100+ ways to tell if you're stuck in the80's -
1. Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister.
2. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack.
3. You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."
4. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.
5. Punky Brewster is your hero.
6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore4.
7. You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's.
8. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.
9. You're building your own Clockwork Smurf.
10. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.
11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.
12. You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms.
13. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks.
14. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."
15. Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.
16. You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.
17. You know who Stinky Sullivan is.
18. You work out with "Get in Shape Girl."
19. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.
20. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.
21. You know who Loverboy is.
22. You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion.
23. You think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis."
24. You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.
25. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"
26. You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.
27. You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem.
28. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.
29. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma.
30. You stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story."
31. You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.
32. You still practice your Care Bear Stare.
33. You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.
34. You can name all The Wuzzles.
35. You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.
36. You can do the Safety Dance.
37. In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club".
38. You like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"
39. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"
40. Your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.
41. You know whose number is 867-5309.
42. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.
43. You're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control.
44. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.
45. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century.
46. You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train.
47. You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.
48. You still watch things on Beta.
49. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.
50. You know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show.
51. Your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on."
52. You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house.
53. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.
54. You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.
55. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.
56. You know which Hollywood Square Jm J Bullock was in.
57. You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows.
58. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.
59. You're still wondering who really was the boss.
60. You know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for.
61. You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the Physical Challenge.
62. You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.
63. You still drink New Coke.
64. When you watch "Terminator" you wonder where Vincent is.
65. You know ALF's real name.
66. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs.
67. You can name all of the Thundercats.
68. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.
69. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.
70. Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.
71. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.
72. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.
73. You use your Speak and Spell to phone home.
74. You know the original members of Menudo.
75. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.
76. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back..
77. You remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion."
78. You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.
80. Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian."
81. The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes.
82. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.
83. You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.
84. You know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.
85. You have "We Are the World" on 5.
86. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.
87. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.
88. You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure."
89. "Goonies" is your favorite movie of all time! (I added that one! -MDR)
90. You can remember Alanis Morissette's career before Jagged Little Pill.
91. Every day, you take a ride on the Great Space Coaster.
92. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.
93. You can still identify any "My Little Pony" by solely by its magical markings.
94. You know the answer to "Who's that Girl?"
95. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania, its terrain and its main export.
96. You proudly wear your prized collection of jelly bracelets and charm necklaces.
97. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton-John.
98. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!
99. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the Fat Boys.
100. You still wear banana clips.
101. You don't think Boner is an inappropriate nickname for a friend.
102. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.
103. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.
104. You're still asking, "Where's the beef?"
105. You remeber when Belinda still sang with the Go-Go's
106. You ate Reeses Pieces because E.T. did.
107. You remember when nobody believed Snuffy was real.
108. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo meant.
109. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.
110. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs.
100 Ways To Ensure That You Won't Get Laid
1. Say you're from Arkansas.
2. Drool.
3. Show them your gun.
4. Keep talking about your mommy.
5. Lick peoples' faces.
6. Tell people about your Michael Jackson shrine.
7. End each sentence with "so when do we fuck?"
8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I mean?"
9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection.
10. Admit to people that you watch Dawson's Creek. Also works for Felicity, Party of Five, 90210, etc.
11. Ask for spare change.
12. Show everyone your track marks.
13. Complain about those strange sores on your genitals that just won't go away.
14. Tell people that you voted for Ross Perot.
15. Two words: Pope hats.
16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid.
17. Describe your yeast infection in detail.
18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral.
19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys.
20. Recite bad poetry.
21. Grab your genitals.
22. Grab theirs.
23. Yodel in bed.
24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes.
25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back.
26. Bark.
27. Wear overalls.
28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers.
29. Carry a box of Depends.
30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex."
31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt."
32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar.
33. Light your head on fire.
34. Talk Quebec politics.
35. Play the bagpipes.
36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals.
37. Lie about your identity.
38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you."
39. Write love letters in blood.
40. Carry a teddy bear.
41. Show-off your body piercing.
42. Grab their face.
43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared.
44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag.
45. Start masturbating.
46. Never stop screaming.
47. Say "I'm not making love to you. My other personality is."
48. Show them your meat hook.
49. flash your CSU business card.
50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas.
51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian dictator.
52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead.
53. Hump their clothes in public.
54. Ask if you can bring some friends
55. Ask if you can bring your father.
56. Pick, pick, pick your nose.
57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman.
58. Ask them to marry you right away.
59. Blame them for everything.
60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing.
61. Shit in bed.
62. Show off your stigmata.
63. Spend all day chatting online and not actually seeing a single person.
64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love.
65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice."
66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend.
68. Make gurgling noises at the table.
69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had over 100 lovers."
70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board.
71. Scream in pain while urinating.
72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?"
73. Use napalm as lubricant.
74. Tell them you can suck your own member.
75. Gag while kissing.
76. Suck their nose.
77. Shit your pants and sing a song.
78. Eat things you find on the street.
79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting.
80. Tell them O.J. is your hero.
81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get batteries."
82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
83. Get into your Smurf outfit.
84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep."
85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins."
86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your goin' down Goliath!"
87. Tell them you cry everytime you see "Edward Penishands."
88. Demand cash up front.
89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you."
90. Keep yelling "Next!"
91. Never get their name right.
92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner.
93. Show them your tail.
94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
95. Wear a helmet all the time.
96. Start doing "The Safety Dance."
97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..."
98. Put your underwear on your head.
99. Be yourself.
100. Make lists about how not to get laid.
101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
Shnerples here?"
31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
32. Take bets on the battle described above.
33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission: Impossible."
35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
need some tampons!!"
36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.
51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible "sex and candy"
52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.
53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.
54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)
58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.
59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.
62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them
63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.
64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.
65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."
66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.
67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don't realize it!
70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!"
71. Hit on the elderly.
72. Hit on 5 year olds.
73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.
74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.
75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.
76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.
77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don't know you.
78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.
79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your
friend.
80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".
81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.
82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.
82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can
83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.
84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.
85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.
86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.
87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
as fast as your can.
88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.
89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department
90. Put lingerie in the men's department.
91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
around.
92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
attention" Then run away crying.
93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
stay mesmerized.
94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
light the zippo, just hold it closed.
95. Light a match under a spinkler.
96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun". Then walk away.
97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.
98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
paid enough to do this"
99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.
100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
my mommy?"
101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.
BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
101 Ways To Be Annoying
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
(c) 1996, WitCity Studios
10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!
1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger
effect)
5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has
more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in
the middle)
Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in
a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't
want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He
would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-
nighter.
Top 10 Ways To Tell Santa Is A Computer Nerd
----------
10. He's got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls "elves".
8. He's got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
7. He loves getting mail.
6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn't exist.
5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
red suit doesn't hold a pocket protector.
10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during
the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you
cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces
where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in
a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out, but it won't amount
to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have lots of dates.
122 Pick Up Lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop 'em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels......NOW!
18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewellry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh?
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I'd look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?
54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?
63. You know what I like about you? My arms.
64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.
65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?
66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?
67. You're ugly, but you interest me.
68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?
69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?
70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.
71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?
72. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?
73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.
74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum?
75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed?
76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!
77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.
79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.
80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!
81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.
82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.
83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.
85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.
86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.
87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?
88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?
91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?
92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
94. You smell wet. Let's Party.
95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...
100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?
105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?
106. What's your sign?
107. You have the ass of a great artist.
108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
109. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.
110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...
113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?
117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.
120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?
121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?
122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get
your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a
complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
Ways to reject pick-up lines
1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."
6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."
8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"
9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just
walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
good looking, but he was mistaken."
11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
12.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
You make me wanna... Zee
1998 Bumper Stickers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock.
* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa
suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up
like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
25 Signs You're Getting Older
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not
condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Top 25 Ways To Drive Your Roommate Crazy
1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.
2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.
3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."
5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."
6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.
7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.
8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."
9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.
10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.
11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."
13. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer".
14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.
17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.
18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
to know!"
19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
had to be done."
20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)
21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.
22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.
24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later,"
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.
27 Ways to Relieve Stress
1. Shove 20 marshmellows up your nose and try sneezing them out.
2. Use your Master Card to pay off your Visa.
3. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO HAVE A NICE DAY, TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE OTHER
PLANS.
4. Make a TO-DO list of things that you have already done.
5. Put your little sister's clothes on her backwards, and send her to
preschool as though nothing were wrong.
6. Fill your taxes out in Roman numerals as revenge against the government.
7. Draw underwear on the natives in National Geographic.
8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
9. DRIVE TO WORK IN REVERSE.
10. Refresh your self: put your tongue on a cold steel guard-rail.
11. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to
you.
12. READ THE DICTIONARY UPSIDE DOWN AND LOOK FOR SECRET MESSAGES.
13. Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room.
14.write a short story using alphabet soup.
15. STARE AT PEOPLE THROUGH A FORK AND PRETEND THEY ARE IN JAIL.
16. Make up a language and ask people for directions.
WAIT!!!! Why are there only 16 things on this "27 Ways to Relieve Stress,"
you ask? Well, I didn't feel like typing the ones that weren't very funny!!!!
30 Fun Things to do When Driving
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)
SEND THIS TO:
0 people: your life will be a living hell
1-5 people: someone will get a crush on you
5-10 people: your crush will ask you out
10-15 people: you will go on a date with your crush
15-20 people: you will go to a dance with your crush
20-25 people: you will make out with your crush
25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:
1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.
40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.
18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask
23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.
39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.
40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.
send this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!
40 THINGS TO PROVE YOU'RE A NEW YORKER
01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a
long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
05. The subway makes sense.
06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the
Metro.
07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big
Apple".
09. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
15. You think Central Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both
times.
19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977,
and when you did, it terrified you.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28
cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live in a building with a larger population than most
American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is
Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner
owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese,
your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.
45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about
1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts
with really small fonts.
2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking
them all over the professor's door.
4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of
your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish
Armada.
5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would
have used nunchakus or katanas.
6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking
them on the page, ransom-note style.
7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog
from eating it.
9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do
the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if
it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.
If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the
paper actually exists.
10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper
was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words,
right?
11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
original.
12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
bibliography.
13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of
the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain
that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive
military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis.
Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you
were trying to get the feel for the period.
16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the
paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This
is a nifty way to get an extension.)
17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
until the next full moon.
19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that
on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run
over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned
by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did
tell you to include footnotes.
21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
paper and correct all your typos.
22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.
23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different
perspectives on your work.
25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and
hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what
you had to say.
27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc
Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King
Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of
trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the
time.
31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a
few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows
on the way to class.
33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
"less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle
would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers'
reactions to Spuds McKensie.
35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other
interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.
37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
picture as a resource.
38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
"There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all
through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the
paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire
collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin
"Sparky".
42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew
you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline
of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in
a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".
Okay, guys, we've been in school for a few weeks now, and in case you find
your classes to be dull, try a few of these things to liven up class a bit.
50 Fun Things to Do In Class
by Alan Meiss
1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of the People
in the Computer Lab
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to
you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.
28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.
Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you
do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and
resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole
time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and
leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep
laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get
a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for
the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
71 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM YOU KNOW THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go