100+ ways to tell if you're stuck in the80's -

1. Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister.

2. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack.

3. You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."

4. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.

5. Punky Brewster is your hero.

6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore4.

7. You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's.

8. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.

9. You're building your own Clockwork Smurf.

10. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.

11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.

12. You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms.

13. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks.

14. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."

15. Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.

16. You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.

17. You know who Stinky Sullivan is.

18. You work out with "Get in Shape Girl."

19. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.

20. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.

21. You know who Loverboy is.

22. You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion.

23. You think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis."

24. You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.

25. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"

26. You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.

27. You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem.

28. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.

29. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma.

30. You stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story."

31. You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.

32. You still practice your Care Bear Stare.

33. You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.

34. You can name all The Wuzzles.

35. You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.

36. You can do the Safety Dance.

37. In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club".

38. You like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"

39. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"

40. Your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.

41. You know whose number is 867-5309.

42. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.

43. You're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control.

44. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.

45. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century.

46. You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train.

47. You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.

48. You still watch things on Beta.

49. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.

50. You know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show.

51. Your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on."

52. You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house.

53. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.

54. You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.

55. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.

56. You know which Hollywood Square Jm J Bullock was in.

57. You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows.

58. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.

59. You're still wondering who really was the boss.

60. You know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for.

61. You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the Physical Challenge.

62. You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.

63. You still drink New Coke.

64. When you watch "Terminator" you wonder where Vincent is.

65. You know ALF's real name.

66. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs.

67. You can name all of the Thundercats.

68. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.

69. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.

70. Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.

71. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.

72. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.

73. You use your Speak and Spell to phone home.

74. You know the original members of Menudo.

75. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.

76. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back..

77. You remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion."

78. You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.

79. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.

80. Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian."

81. The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes.

82. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.

83. You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.

84. You know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.

85. You have "We Are the World" on 5.

86. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.

87. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.

88. You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure."

89. "Goonies" is your favorite movie of all time! (I added that one! -MDR)

90. You can remember Alanis Morissette's career before Jagged Little Pill.

91. Every day, you take a ride on the Great Space Coaster.

92. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.

93. You can still identify any "My Little Pony" by solely by its magical markings.

94. You know the answer to "Who's that Girl?"

95. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania, its terrain and its main export.

96. You proudly wear your prized collection of jelly bracelets and charm necklaces.

97. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton-John.

98. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!

99. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the Fat Boys.

100. You still wear banana clips.

101. You don't think Boner is an inappropriate nickname for a friend.

102. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.

103. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.

104. You're still asking, "Where's the beef?"

105. You remeber when Belinda still sang with the Go-Go's

106. You ate Reeses Pieces because E.T. did.

107. You remember when nobody believed Snuffy was real.

108. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo meant.

109. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.

110. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs.

100 Ways To Ensure That You Won't Get Laid

1. Say you're from Arkansas.
2. Drool.
3. Show them your gun.
4. Keep talking about your mommy.
5. Lick peoples' faces.
6. Tell people about your Michael Jackson shrine.
7. End each sentence with "so when do we fuck?"
8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I mean?"
9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection.
10. Admit to people that you watch Dawson's Creek. Also works for Felicity, Party of Five, 90210, etc.
11. Ask for spare change.
12. Show everyone your track marks.
13. Complain about those strange sores on your genitals that just won't go away.
14. Tell people that you voted for Ross Perot.
15. Two words: Pope hats.
16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid.
17. Describe your yeast infection in detail.
18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral.
19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys.
20. Recite bad poetry.
21. Grab your genitals.
22. Grab theirs.
23. Yodel in bed.
24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes.
25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back.
26. Bark.
27. Wear overalls.
28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers.
29. Carry a box of Depends.
30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex."
31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt."
32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar.
33. Light your head on fire.
34. Talk Quebec politics.
35. Play the bagpipes.
36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals.
37. Lie about your identity.
38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you."
39. Write love letters in blood.
40. Carry a teddy bear.
41. Show-off your body piercing.
42. Grab their face.
43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared.
44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag.
45. Start masturbating.
46. Never stop screaming.
47. Say "I'm not making love to you. My other personality is."
48. Show them your meat hook.
49. flash your CSU business card.
50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas.
51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian dictator.
52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead.
53. Hump their clothes in public.
54. Ask if you can bring some friends
55. Ask if you can bring your father.
56. Pick, pick, pick your nose.
57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman.
58. Ask them to marry you right away.
59. Blame them for everything.
60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing.
61. Shit in bed.
62. Show off your stigmata.
63. Spend all day chatting online and not actually seeing a single person.
64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love.
65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice."
66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend.
68. Make gurgling noises at the table.
69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had over 100 lovers."
70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board.
71. Scream in pain while urinating.
72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?"
73. Use napalm as lubricant.
74. Tell them you can suck your own member.
75. Gag while kissing.
76. Suck their nose.
77. Shit your pants and sing a song.
78. Eat things you find on the street.
79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting.
80. Tell them O.J. is your hero.
81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get batteries."
82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
83. Get into your Smurf outfit.
84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep."
85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins."
86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your goin' down Goliath!"
87. Tell them you cry everytime you see "Edward Penishands."
88. Demand cash up front.
89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you."
90. Keep yelling "Next!"
91. Never get their name right.
92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner.
93. Show them your tail.
94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
95. Wear a helmet all the time.
96. Start doing "The Safety Dance."
97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..."
98. Put your underwear on your head.
99. Be yourself.
100. Make lists about how not to get laid.

101 FUN THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what
happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid
embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,
anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the
department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
Shnerples here?"

31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

32. Take bets on the battle described above.

33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
"Mission: Impossible."

35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
need some tampons!!"

36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the
restrooms

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
umbrella in it.

51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
possible "sex and candy"

52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
head and walk around the store casually.

53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the
mannequins.

54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.

57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
(Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
as spastic as possible.

59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
various funnels.

62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
the ground screaming and having convulsions.

64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people
out.

65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
boxes and throw it in various aisles.

67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
"hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
carts when they don't realize it!

70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the
perfume!!"

71. Hit on the elderly.

72. Hit on 5 year olds.

73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
don't know you.

78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
wanting to use it, start barking at them until
they run away crying.

79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your
friend.

80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".

81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
"Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
"Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away
mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
like as you can

83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
your friends seem to have a rash too.

84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
"multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
and legs around like your having some kind of massive
seizure.

86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the
store.

87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
as fast as your can.

88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
singing the circus song.

89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

90. Put lingerie in the men's department.

91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn
around.

92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
attention" Then run away crying.

93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
stay mesmerized.

94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
"NO!!! I DON'T WANT TO HURT THE NICE LADY NO
NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
light the zippo, just hold it closed.

95. Light a match under a spinkler.

96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
my shot gun". Then walk away.

97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
paid enough to do this"

99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
my mommy?"

101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

101 Ways To Be Annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
"astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright
warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental
movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.


(c) 1996, WitCity Studios

10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!

1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger
effect)
5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has
more money)
6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in
the middle)

Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students

10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in
a large font.

8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't
want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He
would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-
nighter.

Top 10 Ways To Tell Santa Is A Computer Nerd
----------
10. He's got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls "elves".
8. He's got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
7. He loves getting mail.
6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn't exist.
5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
red suit doesn't hold a pocket protector.

10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during
the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of
the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you
cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces
where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places
where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts
acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in
a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.


Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out, but it won't amount
to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have lots of dates.

122 Pick Up Lines

1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

2. Do you want to see something swell?

3. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

4. Drop 'em!

5. What do you like for breakfast?

6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels......NOW!

18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

25. Bond. James Bond.

26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?

27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

28. Your place or mine?

29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

30. You have some nice jewellry. It would look great on my nightstand.

31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

32. Your face or MINE!?

33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"

34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh?

40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

42. I'd look good on you.

43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

50. NOW, BITCH!

51. Fancy a fuck?

52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?

54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.

58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."

62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?

63. You know what I like about you? My arms.

64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.

65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?

66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?

67. You're ugly, but you interest me.

68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?

69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?

70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.

71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?

72. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?

73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum?

75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed?

76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!

77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.

79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!

81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.

82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.

83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.

86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?

88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?

91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?

92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us

94. You smell wet. Let's Party.

95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.

97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...

100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?

105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

106. What's your sign?

107. You have the ass of a great artist.

108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

109. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.

110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...

113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."

115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."

116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?

117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.

120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?

121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?

122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my
bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their
sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get
your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a
complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Ways to reject pick-up lines

1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
dance and she refused:
Man: "Want to Dance?"
Woman: "No, thank you."
Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been
all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just
walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
good looking, but he was mistaken."

11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
explained how she handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately
blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

12.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
You make me wanna... Zee

1998 Bumper Stickers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* My kid had sex with your honor student.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* Hang up and drive.

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
can find a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Illiterate? Write For Help
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Ax Me About Ebonics
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa
suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way
home.

8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
says, "For Santa."

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and
corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
looked like a bear.

17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
"trampled." Threaten to sue.

19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up
like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

25 Signs You're Getting Older

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not
condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Top 25 Ways To Drive Your Roommate Crazy

1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what
he/she is talking about.

2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever
again.

3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your
turn."

5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here
somewhere."

6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
and moan.

7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
about the poor picture quality.

8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't
belong."

9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
your normally would.

10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
the empty side of the room with concern.

11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
with two players."

13. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer".

14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
complain that your feet hurt.

17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
about the cost of new lightbulbs.

18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
campus. If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
to know!"

19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
had to be done."

20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)

21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the
funeral.

22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
you'd like to have a conversation.

24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later,"
while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
they're talking about.

27 Ways to Relieve Stress

1. Shove 20 marshmellows up your nose and try sneezing them out.

2. Use your Master Card to pay off your Visa.

3. WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO HAVE A NICE DAY, TELL THEM THAT YOU HAVE OTHER
PLANS.

4. Make a TO-DO list of things that you have already done.

5. Put your little sister's clothes on her backwards, and send her to
preschool as though nothing were wrong.

6. Fill your taxes out in Roman numerals as revenge against the government.

7. Draw underwear on the natives in National Geographic.

8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

9. DRIVE TO WORK IN REVERSE.

10. Refresh your self: put your tongue on a cold steel guard-rail.

11. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to
you.

12. READ THE DICTIONARY UPSIDE DOWN AND LOOK FOR SECRET MESSAGES.

13. Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room.

14.write a short story using alphabet soup.

15. STARE AT PEOPLE THROUGH A FORK AND PRETEND THEY ARE IN JAIL.

16. Make up a language and ask people for directions.


WAIT!!!! Why are there only 16 things on this "27 Ways to Relieve Stress,"
you ask? Well, I didn't feel like typing the ones that weren't very funny!!!!

30 Fun Things to do When Driving

1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)


SEND THIS TO:
0 people: your life will be a living hell
1-5 people: someone will get a crush on you
5-10 people: your crush will ask you out
10-15 people: you will go on a date with your crush
15-20 people: you will go to a dance with your crush
20-25 people: you will make out with your crush
25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:

1)A few clowns short of a circus.
2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
5)Dumber than a box of hair.
6)A few peas short of a casserole.
7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
10)One taco short of a combination plate.
11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
12)All foam, no beer.
13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18)As smart as bait.
19)Chimney's clogged.
20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
29)No grain in the silo.
30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
31)Receiver is off the hook.
32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
33)Skylight leaks a little.
34)Slinky's kinked.
35)Surfing in Nebraska.
36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
39)24 cents short of a quarter.

40 MISTAKES MEN MAKE WHILE HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of
foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes
it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few
seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's
necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big
turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup
kitchen.

send this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!

40 THINGS TO PROVE YOU'RE A NEW YORKER

01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a
long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
05. The subway makes sense.
06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the
Metro.
07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big
Apple".
09. Your door has more than three locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
15. You think Central Park is "nature."
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both
times.
19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977,
and when you did, it terrified you.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28
cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
toes.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live in a building with a larger population than most
American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is
Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is
Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner
owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese,
your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about

1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts
with really small fonts.

2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking
them all over the professor's door.

4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of
your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish
Armada.

5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would
have used nunchakus or katanas.

6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking
them on the page, ransom-note style.

7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog
from eating it.

9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do
the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if
it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.
If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the
paper actually exists.

10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper
was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words,
right?

11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the
original.

12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your
bibliography.

13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of
the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain
that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive
military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis.
Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you
were trying to get the feel for the period.

16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the
paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This
is a nifty way to get an extension.)

17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
until the next full moon.

19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that
on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run
over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned
by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did
tell you to include footnotes.

21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
paper and correct all your typos.

22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
opera-style, and hand that in.

23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different
perspectives on your work.

25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and
hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what
you had to say.

27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc
Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King
Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of
trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the
time.

31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a
few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows
on the way to class.

33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
"less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle
would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers'
reactions to Spuds McKensie.

35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other
interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.

37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
picture as a resource.

38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
"There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all
through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the
paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire
collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin
"Sparky".

42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew
you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline
of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in
a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".

Okay, guys, we've been in school for a few weeks now, and in case you find
your classes to be dull, try a few of these things to liven up class a bit.

50 Fun Things to Do In Class
by Alan Meiss

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
overhead projector.
3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
wear it out!"
6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
go if he died tomorrow.
8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
of Starsky and Hutch.
11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
the pages out of your textbook.
12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
to pursue a career in measurements and units.
13. Sing your questions.
14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
Oh, no, sorry."
16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
drinking.
24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
erasers.
31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for one extra copy of each handout.
34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
EYES!"
35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
scream "IMPOSTER!"
40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
at the top, and start passing it around the room.
42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
professor answers.
43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
"stud".
44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.

50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of the People
in the Computer Lab

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before
starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I
forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it
finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
(It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new
friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to
you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you
leave.

28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family
on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is
smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A
Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking
it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.
Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you
do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and
resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole
time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and
leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep
laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get
a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for
the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

71 THINGS TO DO ON AN EXAM YOU KNOW THAT
YOU ARE GOING TO FAIL

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15
min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the
exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if
necessary.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've
been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

Next section submitted by Jeremy Willis

31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.

33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.

34. Bring cheerleaders.

35. Bring pets.

36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to
stay.

38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)

40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.

41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this
drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
bad circulation.

45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."

46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
like they do before concerts start.

48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.

51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
at a 90 degree angle.

52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase "Told you so".

53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx
Sucks"

54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the
person next to you as if he\she did it.

55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something
up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell
you."

56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
that you're someone else.

57. Play loud music.

58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an
exam.

59. Dress like the professor.

60. Cross-Dress.

61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.

62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.

63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?"
It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.

64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.

65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
a show of it.

67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.

68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules
of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
halfway through the test, and should include at least three
waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay,
let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
Number three, E...."

7 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING ON CHRISTMAS

1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back
and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town,
Santa Claus is coming to town..."

2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it.
Collect coal and sharp objects in it.

3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly
complain about how you never get to join in on the
reindeer games.

4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front
teeth..."

5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and
eat the best parts first.

6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a
little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a
picture of a snow man and this poem:

'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
All you get is the snowman's poop!'

Don't call me a Generation X-er

I am a child of the eighties what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy. I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "SpaceGhost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?") On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow. I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas,but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler.substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends'parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut. We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player,Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's. Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The GUMMY BEARS and why did they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who stNancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes; preferably hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties. If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A Case For The FBI
------------------
The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding
marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break
every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom
and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah they did."
"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my
garden plowed."

CHRISTMAS JUST WASN'T THE SAME.

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was
Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver
millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
even back yet! What am I going to do?".

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
stick the Christmas Tree this year???"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . .

A Programmer's guide for Shoot_Self_in_Foot

How To Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to
help programmers in such dilemmas.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops
around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
and saying, "that's me, over there."

Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
language, you shoot yourself in the head.

sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
switch to C.

Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
explain it to you.

Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
comes back deep-fried.

Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the
emergency room.

COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to
HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
entire lower body is waterlogged.

PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples
its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your
foot.

SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet
into yet another foot (a left foot).

lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
in the appendage which holds...

scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

FORTH: begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until

English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

Apple: We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.

IBM: You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in
random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.

Microsoft: Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can
upgrade for $500.

Microsoft: You can shoot yourself in the foot, but the method is buried in
the docs somewhere.

Cray: I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.

Hewlett-Packard: You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot,
but the firing pin is broken.

NeXT: We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.

SCO Open Desktop SCOPaint: You shoot yourself in the foot with a popgun.

Sun: Just as soon as Solaris gets here, you can shoot yourself anywhere you
want.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep
their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and
appeared to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and
true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was
started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out
the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the
amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother
was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil
man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on
like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a
saint."

A Soap Misunderstanding
Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this
to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------




Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

S. Berman


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day
off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3
bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
Relief Maid


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
--

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here
in the hotel for two wee ks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't
need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when
shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
--

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on
the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial
in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for
all new checkins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Your regular maid,

Dotty


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have
assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any
past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I
can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business
at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called
Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anythin g about those little bars of soap. The new
maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she
left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 day s here I have
accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap
in here. All I want is my ba th size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size
Dial.

S. Berman


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you
complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally
returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
supposed to receive daily (s ic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you
got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath
size Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of
today I possess:

On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
will make an excellen t spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I
have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

A THANKSGIVING FORECAST

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon
high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on
plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce
creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of
34 F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be the bone.

A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTS

Skinny people piss me off! Especially when the say things like,
"You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I have forgotten my
address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
forget to eat.

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day
after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock
class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen
bitch. . . do it and die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
nothing (and then they marry him.)

I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
eating too much, smokingtoo much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody
older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
your neck?"



Send this to five bright, cheery women you know and make their
day!

Well, I don't know about cheery, but you'll certainly make their
day.

A TO Z OF EX-BOYFRIENDS

A is for ASSHOLE, you know, that word I shout at him as I
drive by.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things
between them do work out. I can't think of two better
losers to get off the streets.

C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.

C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you
can shovel the walk."

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig. God, does he always have to
know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?

F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it
is, that's why it's on the list.

F is for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.

G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also
who wears perfume like mine.

H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.

I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.

J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight,
because I won't do it for him.

K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering
down his tongue and on my face.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists
somewhere in fantasy land.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.

N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.

O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"

P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard
because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.

Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote.
(See F and O)

R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all
holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget
about.

S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I
remember the previous S.

T is for torture. Where do I start?

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking
asshole is an understatement.

V is for vermin--most of his family.

W stands for whine, need I say more.

X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.

Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.

Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip, that's what I got
from him.

ACTUAL NEWS ITEMS

* Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old
man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two
$16 bills.

* The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
detonating one within city limits.

* A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene,
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun
to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

* A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few
days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial
for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His
girlfriend needed, so she had him paged by the
bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and
arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a
car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

* When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber,
the man threatened to call the police. They still
refused, so the robber called the police and was
arrested.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he
had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided
to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that
one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand
up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found
under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to!
Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so
great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the
animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I
could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me
who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to
pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted
that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of
thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind
if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of
his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he
celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,
laughing with delight all
the while.

And it was good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said,
"Multiple orgasms..."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around
eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and
dirt.

Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes
and drove home.

"Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered
the house.

"Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having
an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying
bastard! You've been playing golf!"

AL GORE I AM

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let
this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Lets count them upside
down this time.
Lets count until the state is mine!
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked; I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun!
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral College vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!
I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE I am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed
And still can't fulfill my counting need.
I'll count the tiles on the floor.
I'll count, and count, and count some more.
And I will not say that I am done
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
What's that?
What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
You're only care should be for me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!

STATE OF ALABAMA DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

Lover's Name: ________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____

Mother's Name: ___________________
Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed

Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable

Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what's a miles?

A parody of Justin.. orginal song is "AllStar" by Smashmouth.
From Flag786

Somebody once told me da world is gonna love me
I'd have da finest girls and a Benz
But she was looking kinda dumb when she posed in Rolling Stone
With less clothes than could cover her forehead

Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
So much baby blue, so much for me
So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
Ya'll musta never seen mah show
Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro

Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis, gets seats sold

Ah'm a rude boy, got a chip on my shoulder
And I got the cute face cuz the rest are all older
Don't even try to step and beg to differ
Judging by the signs chick hold wit mah picture
The hair ah've got is far from bein thin
But choo all like my fro so it's stayin' like it is
Mah world's on fire, how about yours?
Cuz that's the way ah like it when ah'm gettin all the whores

Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis....

Somebody once asked could I spare some change perhaps
They want to get a necklace big as they face
I said NOPE, but what a concept, I could use some tacky jewels myself
Say JRT cause you all know mah name

Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
So much baby blue, so much for me
So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
Ya'll musta never seen mah show
Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro

Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis gets seats sold
Those other four need to be told
Only ass like dis gets seats sold

All in a days work

Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired,
and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the
kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed
out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the
sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started
the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of
clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose
button. She picked upthe newspapers strewn on the floor, picked
up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book
back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a
wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She
stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out
some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from
hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for
the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed
her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.

Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

"I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's
dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were
locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a
bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was
still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm,
laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no
one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.

In celebration of Women's History Month, please send this to 5
phenomenalwomen...

Isn't it amazing how God works in our lives! On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer."

The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story.

"You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'

"At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"

The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!

If you believe that God answers prayers then pass this on.

God bless,

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan
says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of
cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice
as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in
Texas?"

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma



Lesson: Never lie to your Momma

An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

Dormitory Dirty Room

Evangelist Evil's Agent

Desperation A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code Here Come Dots

Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity Is No Amity

Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)

Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness Genuine Class

Semolina Is No Meal

A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

Contradiction Accord not in it

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune. =
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politicians:

George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo
warlord)

Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty


And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
--Neil A. Armstrong
= A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA -- can be arranged into -- TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.

Genesis 1

In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004
B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was
Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
verily, he had a Big Job to do.

And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus
skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux.
And that was that, for the first Work Day.

And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth;
and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too
deep. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And
the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that.
And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in
the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas
put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and
other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them
Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land,called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day;
which he called Wednesday.

And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can
think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or
claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate
species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth
brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without
backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs
and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be
fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.

And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what
it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and
some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took
the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he
them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not
madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created
carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day
which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall
and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and
every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image;
tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the
monkey.

And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon
the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to
every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green
herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But hey shall be for you. And the Lord
God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin
and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.

And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and
God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With
a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening
of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's
Friday. And God made the weekend.

Angels, Once in a While

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry
babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister
was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence
they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel
driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave 15 dollars a week to buy groceries. Now
that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings,
but no food either. If there was welfare system in effect in
southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on
my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51
Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every
factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck. The
kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I
tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to
learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck.

The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an
old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck
stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny
owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to
time to check on all those kids. She needed someone on the
graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid
65 cents an hour and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-
sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on
and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good
arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when me and the little ones knelt to say our prayers
we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started
at the Big Wheel. When I got home in the mornings I woke the
baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip
money - fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my
meager wage. The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of
penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on
the way to work and again every morning before I could go
home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home
and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no
note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels
take up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the
owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting
the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me
a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't
enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no
money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started
repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the
basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on
Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing
patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would
be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in
the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim,
and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging
around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked
through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home
before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on
Christmas morning I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids
wouldn't wake up before I managed to get home and get the
presents from the basement and place them under the tree. (We
had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by
the dump.)

It was still dark and I couldn't see much, but there appeared to be
some dark shadows in the car - or was that just a trick of the
night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to
tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the
side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old
battered Chevy was full - full to the top with boxes of all shapes
and sizes.

I quickly opened the driver's side door, scrambled inside and
kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled
off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue
jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of
shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the
other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned
vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and
cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry
supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and
one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on
the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with
gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little
ones that precious morning. Yes, there were angels in Indiana
that long-ago in December. And they all hung out at the Big
Wheel truck stop.

I BELIEVE IN ANGELS! They live next door, around the
corner, work in your office, patrol your neighborhood, call you
at midnight to hear you laugh and listen to you cry, teach your
children, and you see them everyday without even knowing it!.
Send this to someone you think is an angel!

Answering Machine Messages
Please feel free to try these

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly,
and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello, you are talking to a machine.
I am capable of receiving messages.
My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
and their carpets are clean.
They give to charity through their office and do not need their
icture taken.
If you're still with me,
leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine
this is a telepathic thought recording device.
After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
and a number where I can reach you,
and I'll think about returning your call.


Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George.
I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar,
then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
and can't come to the phone.
Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

Please leave a message.
However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
We can't pick up the phone right now because
we're doing something we really enjoy.
Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
.......real slow.........So leave a message,
and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
not here. So leave a message.

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If
a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on
its feet. With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up,
to a cat's back and toss them both out the window, will the cat land on its feet?
Or will the butter splat on the ground?

In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics
demand that the cat can not land on its furry back. If the combined construct
were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, they
simply do not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
discovered the secret of antigravity!

To expand on this theory, a buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a
height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.

This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive
their space ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. Larger
craft use the Mancoon breed and a long ways sliced sourdough loaf.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you all know, happened in Roswell
50 years ago. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't
do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several
tons of red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.

1. Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________

2. Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________

3. Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________

4. Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________

5. Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____

6. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________ If no, explain answer _________________________________

7. Number of years parents married ________________________

8. Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires?______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______ Do you have a tattoo?_________ (if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________ ____________________________________________________.

10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you? __________________________________________________________.

11. Church you attend _______________ How often do you attend? _______________________

12. When is the best time to interview you father, mother, and bishop? Father ____________ Mother___________ Bishop__________

13. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer all questions freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won't tell anyone ever- -promise) A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the __________________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broke is my ____________ C. A woman's place is in the _________________________ D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________________________________________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________

14. What do you want to be "if" you grow up? ________________

15. Are you willing to wear an electronic tracking device? _______

I swear all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.

Signature ________________________

Thank-you for you interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch you back).

***********************************************
APPLICATION FOR WHITE HOUSE INTERNSHIP...
***********************************************
Greetings prospective White House interns!

This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best
and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We
expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest
city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and
fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in
executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates
and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White
House at president@whitehouse.gov

Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you:
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) an obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) MidEast policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can
start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam (and Uncle
Bill) wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity abuser.

APPLICATION TO BE A COUNTRY MUSICIAN

Name:________ Nickname: Bubba_______ Skeeter_______ Other____

Can you sign and spell your name correctly? Sometimes______ Never_____

Current Addess:________________ Number of Months Behind on Rent:_______

Neck Shade: Light Red_____ Medium Red_____ Dark Red_____ Peeling_____

Number of Teeth in full grin: 1___ 2___ 3___ More?_______

Approximate size and weight of beer belly:___________ Brand of Beer____

Brand of Chewing Tobacco:_________ Brand of Snuff:______________


Make of Pick-up truck:________ Size of Tires:________ 4 Wheel Drive?__

Number of Months Behind on Payments:__________ Does it have doors?_____

Altitude of Running Boards: 3'______ 6'______ 12'______ 16'______

Number of Empty Beer Cans Under the Seat:________ Broken Windows?_______

Is Truck Appropriately Equipped with the following?

-- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: __________
-- Pit bull: __________
-- Air Horns: __________
-- Roll Bar: __________
-- Steer Horns on hood: __________
-- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" __________
-- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker __________
-- "BOCEHPUS" bumper sticker __________
-- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker __________
-- I love grits bumper sticker __________
-- "America, Love it or Leave it" bumper sticker __________
-- Desert Srorm bumper sticker __________
-- 12 foot CB antenna __________
-- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter __________
-- Spitoon __________
-- Mudflaps __________
-- Curb Feelers __________
-- Shot Guns in back window __________


How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not)

-- Gardens made of old tires (tractor or truck) __________
-- Trucks or cars __________
-- Chickens or goats __________
-- Household appliances __________
-- Old Trailers __________
-- Bath Tubs __________
-- TV sets __________

Describe your last Elvis sighting:________________________________

Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull?___ Hog calling contest?___

Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed hat?_______

Shoes?______ Belt buckles that way more than three pounds?_____________

If so: Have you worn them to Funerals_____ Weddings______ Church_______

Job Interviews________ Fancy restaurants like Dennys's?__________

Do you bathe with: Soap_______ Relatives________ Small animals_______

How often? Weekly______ Monthly______ Once a year_____ Twice a year____

Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry Husbands______

Wives_____ Fathers-in-law______ Mothers-in-law________ The Law_______

Does your wife weigh more than or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck__

Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks____ Two months____ Two years__

Have you seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant____ Barefoot____ Mad______

Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend:_____________

If you have had someone read all the above questions to you and you have
completely understood them then place an "X" on the line below.


----------->________________

Witness Signature________________________________

Now you too can be a Spice Girl (I know you've been wanting to apply...)
Name:
Age:
Real Age:

1) How would you best describe yourself?
[ ] An energetic self-starter
[ ] A team player
[ ] A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

2) Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?

3) Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

4) "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a careeer in the music industry."
[ ] Yes [ ] No

5) How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

6) Does nudity bother you? If so, please give three excuses for your portfolio.

7) Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behaviouralist psychology. Just kidding! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

8) Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

9) Choose an appropriate nickname:
[ ] Sexy
[ ] Nasty
[ ] Sweetie
[ ] Lardy
[ ] Sickly
[ ] Sporty
[ ] Slappy

10) Choose an appropriate image:
[ ]Cute blonde appeals to pedophiles
[ ] Tub of lard
[ ] Bloke in a track suit
[ ] Vacant stare, no discernable brain activity
[ ] Terrifying to small children and old men
[ ] All of the above

11) Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

12) If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

13) If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
[ ] Yes [ ] No

14) In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." --Arthur C. Clarke

Are U from OHIO?

See how many of the following you relate to:

You don't think of Florida first when someone
mentions Miami.

You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you
think of the State Hospital.

Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

You've heard of 3.2% beer.

You're proud of your state fair, but would rather
go to Cedar Point.

You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter,
Almost Winter, and Construction.

You live less than 30 miles from some college or
university.

You know what a buckeye really is, and have a
recipe for candy ones.

"Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the
river" means "south."

You know if other Ohioians are from southern or
northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

You root for a college team though you've never
taken a class there.

You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy,
Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta,
and you know which "N" is doubled in "Cincinnati."

You always visit more than two amusement parks in
one summer.

You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by
snakes.

"Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or
King's Island.

You measure distance in minutes.

Down south to you means Kentucky.

You end your sentences with an unnecessary
preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"

You install security lights on your house and
garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what pop is.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the
potholes are filled with snow.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel
nightie.

The local paper covers national and international
headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the
most popular band in the country.

You actually get these jokes!

Forward 'em to all your OHIO friends!!

Are You Having a Bad Day?

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

AND THE WINNER IS.......

5. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.

See... You're not having such a bad day.

By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-
security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area
51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret"
base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the
pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The
Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and
held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where
I was last night!"

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother didn't know who his father was.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He had no permanent address.
3. Nobody would hire him.

THREE ARGUMENTS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.

AND FINALLY, THE PROOF THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
and his mother was sure He was God

Facts about Americans. Did you know that........

-only 30% of us can flare our nostrils

-21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

-Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
husbands to do it correctly.

-40% of women have hurled footwear at a man

-85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear

-67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)

-the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a
34B

-85% of women wear the wrong bra size

-3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
singles leading up to higher denominations

-13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework

-91% of us lie regularly

-27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz

-29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store

-50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
avoid the high prices of snack foods

-90% believe in divine retribution

-10% believe in the 10 Commandments

-82% believe in an afterlife

-45% believe in ghosts

-13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail

-29% of us are virgins when we marry

-58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't

-10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item

-Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years
old

-35% give to charity at least once a month

-How far would you go for $10 million?

-25% would abandon their friends, family, and church

-7% would murder

-69% eat the cake before the frosting

-When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton

-85% of us will eat Spam this year

-70% of us drink orange juice daily

-Snickers is the most popular candy

-22% of us skip lunch daily

-9% of us skip breakfast daily

-66% of us eat cereal regularly

-22% of all restaurant meals include french fries

-14% of us eat the watermelon seeds

-only 13% brush our teeth from side to side

-45% use mouthwash every day

-22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink

-the typical shower is 101 degrees F

-Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair

-9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery

-53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on

-58% of women paint their nails regularly

-62% of us pop our zits

-33% of women lie about their weight

-10% of us claim to have seen a ghost

-57% have had deja vu

-49% believe in ESP

-4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids

-the average girl starts her period at age 12

-44% have broken a bone

-only 30% of us know our cholesterol level

-14% have attended a self-help meeting

-15% regularly go to a shrink

-78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home

-46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up

-30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat

-54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet

-23.5% admit they don't always flush

-45.2% pee in the shower

-44.9% pee in the ocean

-28.1% pee in the pool

-55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
using the toilet

-39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
caught by the host.

-81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants

-29% of us ignore RSVP

-71.6% of us eavesdrop

-22% are functionally illiterate

-less than 10% are trilingual

-37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR

-53% prefer ATM machines over tellers

-56% of women do the bills in a marriage

-2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
for a million bucks

-20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life

-40% of us have had music lessons

-44% reuse tinfoil

-57% save pretty gift paper to reuse

-66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
credit for doing it from scratch

-53% read their horoscopes regularly

-16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly
men)

-59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
as likely to call themselves beautiful

-90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us

-53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers

-28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

-51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
we send 38 Christmas cards every year

-20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends

-2 out of 5 have married their first love

-the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money

-only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand

-1 in 5 men proposed on his knees

-6% propose over the phone

-71% can drive a stick-shift car

-45% of us consistently follow the speed limit

-2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light

-1/3 of us don't wear seat belts

-12% of men never use their car blinkers

ARE YOU NORMAL?

You won't believe what I came across today while I was
searching for clip art. I found a site that has all of the
driver's license photos, old and new, from every Department
of Motor Vehicles database in the United States. It's really
cool.

The company, AsWeSeeIt, won a favorable court ruling in their
battle with the Freedom of Information Commission which gave
them the right to post our pictures on the Internet. TALK
ABOUT BIG BROTHER!

Go to the AsWeSeeIt site, and search for your license photo,
and check it out. It's really neat!

Here's the address:
http://www.asweseeit.com/616LicenseForm.htm

Take a look.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," 
 where:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are 
 represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass 
 icons"? 
 
 Here goes: 
 
 (_!_) a regular ass 
 (__!__) a fat ass 
 (!) a tight ass 
 (_._) a flat ass 
 (_^^^^_) a bubble ass 
 (_*_) a sore ass 
 (_!__) a lop-sided ass 
 {_!_} a swishy ass 
 (_o_) an ass that's been around 
 (_O_) an ass that's been around even more 
 (_x_) kiss my ass 
 (_X_) leave my ass alone 
 (_zzz_) a tired ass 
 (_o^^^^o_) a wise ass 
 (_13_) an unlucky ass 
 (_$_) Money coming out of his butt
 (_?_) Dumb butt

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists,
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room,
you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man
was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in
his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
blanks I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Assorted thoughts

1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just
looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks
it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
"Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you
another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my
life. First, I overslept and late to an important
meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it
was stolen. The police, they said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I
left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when
I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
show up and drink my poison ..."

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma
for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times. When I got
fired, you were there to support me. When my business
failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my
side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Bad Pick-up Lines

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye,
run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I
together.

Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home
when I fell in love

What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you
need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind
ALL day long.

Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from
heaven.

Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars,
and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared
with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you
again?

What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil
tonight?

Can I see that lable? I just wanted to know if you were made in
heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So... How am I doin'?

I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good
on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against
me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me "lover".

(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just
want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you
out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You : "Do you have the energy?"

You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book.
So what's one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your
apartment?

I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a
line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

Do you have a boyfriend?

Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me

Want one?

Why don't you drop the zero and get with the hero [BK: That
sounds like Bluto from Popeye!]

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look
that good.

We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so
why don't you just come along peacefully?

I envy your lipstick.

I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?

You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.

Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm
here after.

If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.

Is it me or am I gorgeous?

I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.

This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately
WITHOUT reading it. This is a very dangerous Email virus -- the most
dangerous Email virus yet.

IMPORTANT: It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It
will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access
code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to
scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new
phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your
beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you
nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and
your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your
back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your
grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it
reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes
will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove
the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk
with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

These are just a few signs.

Be very, very afraid.

Barbie's Letter to Santa
Submitted by iVillagers Deb G., Melissa L., Betty H. & Spidermom

Dear Santa,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to
break it to ya Santa, but it's definitely payback time! There had better be
some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

l. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
skin? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man -- maybe GI Joe. I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out
excuse for a boy toy Ken. And, what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna
have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
get it done.

6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie" with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur
coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie"
sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.

Okay, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
find yourself a new doll next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours Truly,

Barbie

Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

These are a bit more realistic...

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
(half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

by Marion Abbott

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the
dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.

First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:


First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
sometimes not.

Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well
we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado:

Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!!
Walk - Kissing
Bunt - Masturbation
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
Home Run - SEX!
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
Error - Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
Hall of Fame - Marriage
Balk - Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar - KY jelly
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly\
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rookie - Virgin
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues - Under 18
Loaded Bases - manage a trois
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief
pitcher.

BASIC MATH

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
her at all.

Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after,
well, that's the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before and after
marriage.

Bathroom Etiquette

In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a
farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing
and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his
elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
finished. He turned to the other two men and
commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught
us to be sanitary."

The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and
quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one
paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC
Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally
conscious."

The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly
out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they
taught us not to piss on our fingers"

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend,
for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good,
clean, spiritual life."

The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the
bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the
bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said,
"Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in
for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just
want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but
I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he
gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

"Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been pissin' in the refrigerator!"

Battle Hymn of Term Finals
(Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

Mine eyes have seen the horror
Of the ending of the term
It has poisoned all my spirits
Like an apple with a worm
It's infected all my freedom
Like an ugly cancer germ
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

I have listened to the teachers
But the homework leaves me cold
I have never done assignments
Although many times been told
I have even missed my classes
When I was feeling bold
The truth shall soon be known

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

They are adding all my points up
And I haven't earned but few
In fact, I haven't even gotten
More than one or two
Oh, if I could only find an answer
Anything to do
The truth shall soon be known.


Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

On the lines of every gradebook
There is solemn news for me
The worst is yet to come when
Financial Aid ignores my plea
So I guess the only answer is
To drop my books and flee
The truth shall soon be known.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth shall soon be known.

Well, the end has finally come
And I have failed to pass a class
Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
Was really quite a gas
But I won't be in the numbers
Of the capped and gowned mass
The truth was finally shown.

Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
Failure, and humiliation,
Failure, failure, academia,
The truth was finally known.

To be Thankful For.......

....the mess to clean after a party because it
means I have been surrounded by friends.

....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm
employed.

....the clothes that fit a little too snug because
it means I have enough to eat.

....my shadow who watches me work because it means
I am out in the sunshine.

....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need
cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means
I have a home.

....all the complaining I hear about our government
because it means we have freedom of speech.

.....the spot I find at the far end of the parking
lot because it means I am capable of walking.

....my huge heating bill because it means I am
warm.

.....the lady behind me in church who sings off key
because it means that I can hear.

....the piles of laundry and ironing because it
means I have clothes to wear.

.....weariness and aching muscles at the end of the
day because it means I have been productive.

....the alarm that goes off in the early morning
hours because it means that I'm alive.

.....getting too much email bogs me down but at
least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.

Because you're my friend...

When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot
revenge against the scum sucking
bastard/bitch who made you sad.

When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about
it every chance I get.

When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could
be and to quit complaining.

When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to
your dumb ass.

When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to
the porcelain God.

When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend.

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
club and two balls.

2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out.

4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
damage to the hole.

6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play again.

7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time
to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well
formed mounds and bunkers.

8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course
being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
equipment for this reason.

9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the
course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will
find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.
Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
attempting to play the backside.

14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
play the same hole several times in one match.

IMPORTANT NOTICE:

Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. - The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them.

"Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a women has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for "no-strings-attached sex". Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.

Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before -- just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" -- apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims.

For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.

A Tribute to Beer

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
sober.
--William Butler Yeats

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Ross Levy

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.
--Anonymous

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
--Anonymous

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go
to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
-- Brian O'Rourke

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

THE TOP 13 ADDITIONAL WARNINGS THE FDA IS
CONSIDERING FOR BEER AND ALCOHOL BOTTLES

13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
you are whispering when you are not.

12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
dancing like an asshole.

11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends want
to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
telephone them at 4 in the morning.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
name you can't remember).

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
guy named Bubba.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
are invisible.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
are laughing WITH you.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
time may seem to literally disappear."

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
- that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right
through it

- that I would change so much and barely realize it

- that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways

- that college kids throw airplanes, too

- that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up

- that every clock on campus shows a different time

- that if you were smart in highschool - so what?

- that I would go to a party the night before a final

- that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together

- that you can know everything and fail a test

- that you can know nothing and ace a test

- that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie

- that home is a great place to visit

- that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes

- that friendship is more than getting drunk together

- that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about

- that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50

- that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination

- that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is
really physics, and physics is really math

- that it is a really good idea to go places alone

- that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends

- that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

- don't be dismayed at goodbyes

- a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments
or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.

BENEFITS OF BEING A WOMAN

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game. (The writer has obviously never
seen some of the hot Anime guys on Cartoon Central. Rrrrr!)
6. Taxis stop for us.
7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
butt.
14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.
15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.
18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.
19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.
20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

Send this to five bright women you know and make their day

This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just
Can't
Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, the
Bitch Fell Off
15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up
Your Governor
17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a
$25,000 Cover Charge
21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong but Never Uncertain
29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You
Take.
32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What
do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy
fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I
was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and
the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What
did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was
playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.

"What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.

The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, professor! You tell me!"

THE BIRTH OF A CANDYBAR

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
standing behind the Powerhouse On the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when
I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediately went down on my TootsieRoll, and it was pure Almond
Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds Because it was easy to see
that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the
Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream "Oh Henry!"

Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old
Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no
kinky stuff."

I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't
you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit
'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh your
Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding
Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and comlained
of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
popped......Baby Ruth!

You must send this to 10 people. If you don't, you will never have good sex for
the rest of your life! You must send this within 97 hours!

Which tree does your birthday fall under?
OR...which tree did you FALL out of?

December 23 to January 1 ........... Apple Tree
January 2 to January 11 .............Fir Tree
January 12 to January 24 ........... Elm Tree
January 25 to February 3 ........... Cypress Tree
February 4 to February 8 ........... Poplar Tree
February 9 to February 18 .......... Cedar Tree
February 19 to February 28 ......... Pine Tree
March 1 to March 10 ................ Weeping Willow Tree
March 11 to March 20 ............... Lime Tree
March 21 ........................... Oak Tree
March 22 to March 31 ............... Hazelnut Tree
April 1 to April 10 ................ Rowan Tree
April 11 to April 20 ............... Maple Tree
April 21 to April 30 ............... Walnut Tree
May 1 to May 14 .................... Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 ................... Chestnut Tree
May 25 to June 3 ................... Ash Tree
June 4 to June 13 .................. Hornbeam Tree
June 14 to June 23 ................. Fig Tree
June 24 ............................ Birch Tree
June 25 to July 4 .................. Apple Tree
July 5 to July 14 .................. Fir Tree
July 15 to July 25 ................. Elm Tree
July 26 to August 4 ................ Cypress Tree
August 5 to August 13 .............. Poplar Tree
August 14 to August 23 ............. Cedar Tree
August 24 to September 2 ........... Pine Tree
September 3 to September 12 ........ Weeping Willow Tree
September 13 to September 22 ....... Lime Tree
September 23 ....................... Olive Tree
September 24 to October 3 .......... Hazelnut Tree
October 4 to October 13 ............ Rowan Tree
October 14 to October 23 ........... Maple Tree
October 24 to November 11 .......... Walnut Tree
November 12 to November 21 ......... Chestnut Tree
November 22 to December 1 .......... Ash Tree
December 2 to December 11 .......... Hornbeam Tree
December 12 to December 21 ......... Fig Tree
December 22 ........................ Beech Tree

APPLE TREE, THE LOVE
Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura,
flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be
loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree
philosopher with
imagination




FIR TREE, THE MYSTERIOUS
Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful,
moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather
modest, very
ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, many friends, many foes,
very reliable.

ELM TREE, THE NOBLE-MINUTENESS
Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive
mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful
partner, tends to a
know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous,
good sense of humor, practical.

CYPRESS, THE FAITHFULNESS
Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy, content,
optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgement, hates loneliness,
passionate lover
which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and
careless.

POPLAR, THE UNCERTAINTY
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behaviour, only courageous if
necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often
lonely, great
animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in
any situation, takes partnership
serious.

CEDAR, THE CONFIDENCE
Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the
least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined,
impatient, wants
to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for
the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

PINE TREE, THE PARTICULARITY
Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable,
very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in
love but its
passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it
finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

WEEPING WILLOW, THE MELANCHOLY
Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything
beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious,
honest, can be
influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers
in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

LIME TREE, THE DOUBT
Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and
labour, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices
for friends,
many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and
complaining, very jealous, loyal.

HAZELNUT TREE, THE EXTRAORDINARY
Charming, undermining, very understanding, knows how to make an impression,
active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover,honest
and
tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

ROWAN, THE SENSITIVITY
Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention,
loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and
independent, good
taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

MAPLE, THE INDEPENDENCE OF MIND
No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved,
ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes
nervous, many
complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to
impress.

WALNUT, THE PASSION
Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive,
noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition,
no flexibility,
difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious
strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

CHESTNUT TREE, THE HONESTY
Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice,
vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in
company, often
due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not
understood, loves only once, has
difficulties in finding a partner.

ASH TREE, THE AMBITION
Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can
be egoistic, very
reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule
over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

HORNBEAM, THE GOOD TASTE
Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to
egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined
life, looks for
kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, dreams of unusual lovers,
is seldom happy with his/her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure
of its
decisions, very conscious.

FIG TREE, THE SENSIBILITY
Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or
arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a
butterfly, good sense of
humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

OAK, ROBUST NATURE
Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love
changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

BIRCH, THE INSPIRATION
Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm,
not very
passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content
atmosphere.



OLIVE TREE, THE WISDOM
Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression
and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice,
sensitive,
empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated
people.

BEECH, THE CREATIVE
Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization of
life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
reasonable,
splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).

THE MONTH YOU WERE BORN

JANUARY
Ambitious and serious
Loves to teach and be taught
Always looking at people's flaws and
weaknesses
Likes to criticise
Hardworking and productive
Smart, neat and organised
Sensitive and has deep thoughts
Knows how to make others happy
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Rather reserved
Highly attentive
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
Loves children
Homely person
Loyal
Needs to improve social abilities
Easily jealous


FEBRUARY
Abstract thoughts
Loves reality and abstract
Intelligent and clever
Changing personality
Temperamental
Quiet, shy and humble
Low self esteem
Honest and loyal
Determined to reach goals
Loves freedom
Rebellious when restricted
Loves aggressiveness
Too sensitive and easily hurt
Showing anger easily
Dislike unnecessary things
Loves making friends but rarely shows it
Daring and stubborn
Ambitious
Realising dreams and hopes
Sharp
Loves entertainment and leisure
Romantic on the inside not outside
Supersticious and ludicrous
Spendthrift
Learns to show emotions


MARCH
Attractive personality
Affectionate
Shy and reserved
Secretive
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
Loves peace and serenity
Sensitive to others
Loves to serve others
Not easily angered
Trustworthy
Appreciative and returns kindness
Observant and assess others
Revengeful
Loves to dream and fantasize
Loves travelling
Loves attention
Hasty decisions in choosing partners
Loves home decors
Musically talented
Loves special things
Moody

APRIL
Active and dynamic
Desicive and haste but tends to regret
Attractive and affectionate to oneself
Strong mentality
Loves attention
Diplomatic
Consoling
Friendly and solves people's problems
Brave and fearless
Adventurous
Loving and caring
Suave and generous
Emotional
Revengeful
Agressive
Hasty
Good memory
Moving
Motivate oneself and the others
Sickness usually of the head and chest
Easily get too jealous


MAY
Stubborn and hard-hearted
Strong-willed and highly motivated
Sharp thoughts
Easily angered
Attracts others and loves attention
Deep feelings
Beautiful physically and mentally
Firm standpoint
Easily influenced
Needs no motivation
Easily consoled
Systematic (left brain)
Loves to dream
Strong clairvoyance
Understanding
Sickness usually in the ear and neck
Good imagination
Good debating skills
Good physical
Weak breathing
Loves literature and the arts
Loves travelling
Dislike being at home
Restless
Not having many children
Hardworking
High spirited
Spendthrift


JUNE
Thinks far with vision
Easily influenced by kindness
Polite and soft-spoken
Having lots of ideas
Sensitive
Active mind
Hesitating
Tends to delay
Choosy and always wants the best
Temperamental
Funny and humorous
Loves to joke
Good debating skills
Talkative
Daydreamer
Friendly
Knows how to make friends
Abiding
Able to show character
Easily hurt
Prone to getting colds
Loves to dress up
Easily bored
Fussy
Seldom show emotions
Takes time to recover when hurt
Brand conscious
Executive
Stubborn
Those who loves me are enemies
Those who hates me are friends


JULY
Fun to be with
Secretive
Difficult to fathom and to be understood
Quiet unless excited or tensed
Takes pride in oneself
Has reputation
Easily consoled
Honest
Concern about people's feelings
Tactful
Friendly
Approachable
Very emotional
Temperamental and unpredictable
Moody and easily hurt
Witty and sarky
Sentimental
Not revengeful
Forgiving but never forgets
Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
Guides others physically and mentally
Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
Caring and loving
Treats others equally
Strong sense of sympathy
Wary and sharp
Judge people through observations
Hardworking
No difficulties in studying
Loves to be alone
Always broods about the past and the old friends
Likes to be quiet
Homely person
Waits for friends
Never looks for friends
Not aggressive unless provoked
Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
Loves to be loved
Easily hurt but takes long to recover
Overly concerned
Puts in effort in work


AUGUST
Loves to joke
Attractive
Suave and caring
Brave and fearless
Firm and has leadership qualities
Knows how to console others
Too generous and egoistic
Taked high pride of oneself
Thirsty for praises
Extraodinary spirit
Easily angered
Angry when provoked
Easily jealous
Observant
Careful and cautious
Thinks quickly
Independent thoughts
Loves to lead and to be led
Loves to dream
Talented in the arts, music and defence
Sensitive but not petty
Poor resistance against illnesses
Learns to relax
Hasty and rushy
Romantic
Loving and caring
Loves to make friends


SEPTEMBER
Suave and compromising
Careful, cautious and organised
Likes to point out people's mistakes
Quiet but able to talk well
Calm and cool
Kind and sympathetic
Concerned and detailed
Trustworthy, loyal and honest
Does work well
Sensitive
Thinking
Good memory
Clever and knowledgeable
Loves to look for information
Must control oneself when criticising
Able to motivate oneself
Understanding
Secretive
Loves sports, leisure and travelling
Hardly shows emotions
Tends to bottle up feelings
Choosy especially in relationships
Loves wide things
Systematic


OCTOBER
Loves to chat
Loves those who loves him
Loves to takes things at the centre
Attractive and suave
Inner and physical beauty
Does not lie or pretend
Sympathetic
Treats friends importantly
Always making friends
Easily hurt but recovers easily
Bad tempered
Selfish Seldom helps unless asked
Daydreamer
Very opinionated
Does not care of what others think
Emotional
Decisive
Strong clairvoyance
Loves to travel, the arts and literature
Soft-spoken, loving and caring
Romantic
Touchy and easily jealous
Concerned
Loves outdoors
Just and fair
Spendthrift and easily influenced
Easily lose confidence


NOVEMBER
Has a lot of ideas
Difficult to fathom
Thinks forward
Unique and brilliant
Extraodinary ideas
Sharp thinking
Fine and strong clairvoyance
Can become good doctors
Careful and cautious
Dynamic in personality
Secretive
Inquisitive
Knows how to dig secrets
Always thinking
Less talkative but amiable
Brave and generous
Patient
Stubborn and hard-hearted
If there is a will, there is a way
Determined
Never give up
Hardly become angry unless provoked
Loves to be alone
Thinks differently from others
Sharp-minded
Motivates oneself
Does not appreciates praises
High-spirited
Well-built and tough
Deep love and emotions
Romantic
Uncertain in relationships
Homely
Hardworking
High abilities
Trustworhty
Honest and keeps secrets
Not able to control emotions
Unpredictable

DECEMBER
Loyal and generous
Patriotic
Active in games and interactions
Impatient and hasty
Ambitious
Influential in organisations
Fun to be with
Loves to socialise
Loves praises
Loves attention
Loves to be loved
Honest and trustworthy
Not pretending
Short tempered
Changing personality
Not egoistic
Taked high pride in oneself
Hates restrictions
Loves to joke
Good sense of humor
Logical

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear
of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for
not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by
people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor
6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly
believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
"his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I
scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy
model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this
message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll
be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about
90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think
about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!

BITS OF INFORMATION TO HELP YOU THROUGH THE DAY:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Forget the pig! In my next life want to be a lion... )

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.

B i z a r r e +ACE-

Hello, and welcome to Bizarre+ACE-. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally
persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely
with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out
"moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."

When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a heated
argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge into
settling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and
"dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were
arguing over who was the better clamdigger...

Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to assassinate
President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans, revealed last
month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from "chicken
livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then shooting
poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their intended
victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again?

An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13-year-old Mesa girl is
perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that
his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl.
Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches
everywhere a bad name...

When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only
silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were
immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for
a parrot, and a phone off the hook...

A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and
demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou
Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he
was "speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away... down the hall,
to your left...

Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9,
he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of the
Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is
gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig
credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after
receiving 250 million cards and letters, he justwants it to stop... I'm sick
to death of all this mail...

Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany,
is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a
bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a
railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express. And he walked
his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The
new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
nervousness and "do something silly..."

A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside parking
garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a
passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge
before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water
was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet...

When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept
insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that
it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants.
After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had
his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother
for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want
anyone to know she had another baby..."

Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's
Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the girls-- a
16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and
"beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives...

Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape and
robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime
scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they
arrested Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you
must acquit...

After installing a new 917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall of
Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be
confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making
machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..."
and it was set all the way to "mix..."

After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the child
molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted the
man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won 4,400 on Wheel of Fortune,
but it won't cover his 50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue...

A Michigan jury awarded 200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an
automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told
jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and
started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision...

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin Coates
of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22
caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took
the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...

When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at
work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared
overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police
have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads...
let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup...

A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him crash
his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue vision,"
one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while driving,
causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw blue
streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an
audiocassette... cool, do that again...

A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after
attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had
to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District
Attorney Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of
the world, there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and
that this would somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way
further the development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody
who wasn't thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to
college...

In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his
penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the
man was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend.
Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the
severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog
unit..."bad dog...

That's Bizarre, and remember, it's all true...

A True Story...

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from
the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her
room.

"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she
was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...
very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She
couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she
picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the
other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors s they
closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
another. Her fear increased!

The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then ...one
of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what
they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and
spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of
the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor
you're going to, we'll push the button."

The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled
to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said
the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the
floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you
apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't
know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn
quarters and refilled her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At
her door they bid her a good evening.

As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen
roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed:

Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

Contractor

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points
out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like
to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods,
pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window,
leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but
she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like
a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor
nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the
window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more
perplexed but still lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls
out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the
window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The
woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you
write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What
on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying
sod across the street."

Blonde Jokes

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on
the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked,
"What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"



When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her
operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be
before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."



The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is exposed."

"Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"



A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly
notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why
did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new
maxi-pads, with wings..."



Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look
at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and
says, "Where?"

"Blonde Mail Call"
from ScorpioX2X

A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

Blondes On Top

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team
rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a
great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches
the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand
time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a
driver!"

BLOWJOBS: WOMEN vs. MEN

Blow job Etiquette (By a woman)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you, YOU just can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you are that desperate go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're goin' at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough,keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up doesn't mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone younger,prettier, and dirtier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be hankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5 . When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls. We like that.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass. We like that too.

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, because when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I guarentee it'll be "sound asleep!"

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

Bob Knows Everybody

Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the
sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You
know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."

His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"

Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."

Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."

"George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having
dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"

They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush
opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on
in!"

Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob
knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't
know Bruce Springsteen."

"Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in
Jersey!"

"Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."

"No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show
tomorrow night. Lets go."

Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce
Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next
song to my good friend Bob here."

The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to
find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is
once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his
face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the
car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"

"The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"

"You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"

"I'll prove it to you," Bob says.

So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the
front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the
balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in
the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next
to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down
and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the
street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a
sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing
next to Bob?'"

1979,1989 :KOOL KIDS NEVER HAVE THE TIME

We were born in 1979 or 1980. People were still getting over Vietnam and
Disco had swept the country. Dolly Parton had a song called Jolene, and Diana
Ross had records, yes those big black frisbees that were 5 times the size of a CD,
as big as her hair. The Muppets were our heros, and Atari was the game of
choice. Pac Man invaded our heads and our parents pockets. We had those
bouncy balls that had the handle on the top and you could sit on and bounce all
over the place. The Reagan administration came around, but all we cared about
were our mini-wheels. Snack time in Kindergarten was cool and the opposite
sex still had cooties. We liked to play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Tic
tac toe was still fashionable to us. Star Wars, and Ewoks were imiatated all over
the nation, ET made us (or at least me) afraid to go into the bathroom. Girls
fought over My Little Ponies, Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids. Boys were more
into Transformers, He-Man, and GI Joe, not to mention their prized bb guns.
Pretend was always fun too. In second grade we watched as the Challenger lept
from the earth only to float back unexpectedly, devastating the nation, and
plunging them into a state of mourning. Cuba was the enemy, drugs were
becoming big and Iran got on our bad side, as did Oliver North. TV rotted our
brains with "Different Strokes," "Silver Spoons," and "The Cosby Show." Leg
warmers, bandanas and spiked hair, consumed us as we listened to Boy George
and his Culture Club, Bruce Springstein, Rolling Stones, Madonna, George
Michael, Cyndi Lauper, and Micheal Jackson. Pretty soon, hair stopped being
spiked and started getting BIG...chains,and spikes, and jellybracelets were the
rage, and everything was "awesome" or even"rad."

People started getting computers like the Apple 2E. Bubble dresses were cool
and the youth were following the path of rebellion. Drugs and guns were
becoming more and more common, and we watched as the world discovered
HIV and AIDS, and an 18 year old boy from Indiana died from a transfusion...
We also lived through the Bush administration. Our generation watched the Gulf
War come into our living rooms at night with the green night images and the
blazing dots across the screen. We watched older brothers and sisters go off to a
war that we never thought we'd see, but we made up songs about Saddam
Hussein to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.

Bill Clinton became the President taking Al Gore as his VP. Rolling your jeans
and wearing GUESS and ESPRIT clothes made you popular. Skinny people
were beautiful and fat people were funny, but everyone was crazy for
McDonalds.

We started dating more frequently, searching for the love of our life. Girls in the
high schools started getting pregnant and we started getting our licenses. We
lived through all the crazy fashion flashbacks, the hair, and the environmental
crisis. We got to our senior year and we waited for proms and homecoming and
most of all graduation day. We picked up our caps and gowns and all that senior
stuff that's supposed to help us remember the good old days,but some of the
things that you remember most, can't be put on paper...That day finally came,
and you sat there with all of the friends that you had made over the years...you
looked out at your family and deep down you knew that this was a once in a
lifetime moment. It was the last time in your life that all these people would be
together in one place. Yeah there would be reunions but there was always the
chance that one person wouldn't make it there. You looked back on your time
with these people and realized that it was short lived and that it didn't seem as if
there was enough time for everything that you wanted to accomplish...sports,
activities, SAT, ACT, and all that good stuff. They called your name, your tassle
got turned, and you got a piece of paper that said that you were smart. Then you
said good-bye...maybe to your town, and that school and your friends. You
know that you can go back to visit, but there will be strangers in the halls and it's
not the same. It's different, and you're different. But it's not the end. In
fact,everything is just beginning.-Anonymous

Send this on to all the people you know born in "our" year so that they too enjoy
the reflection on what defines us and makes our memories.