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    100+ ways to tell if you're stuck in the80's -

    1. Your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister.

    2. You relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the "Footloose" soundtrack.

    3. You think the Two Coreys are "totally awesome."

    4. You're still bitter that Wham! broke up.

    5. Punky Brewster is your hero.

    6. You type all of your term papers on a Commodore4.

    7. You still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster's.

    8. The only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man.

    9. You're building your own Clockwork Smurf.

    10. Your summer attire is Jellies and Jams.

    11. A-Ha's "Take on Me" is still your favorite video.

    12. You consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms.

    13. You wonder why more people don't wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks.

    14. You call all motorcycle cops "Ponch."

    15. Every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks.

    16. You're still upset Madonna and Sean broke up.

    17. You know who Stinky Sullivan is.

    18. You work out with "Get in Shape Girl."

    19. You want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up.

    20. You enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night.

    21. You know who Loverboy is.

    22. You think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion.

    23. You think of Janet Jackson as "that girl who used to date Willis."

    24. You can sing the theme song to Small Wonder.

    25. Every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell "Fame!"

    26. You still have a shoebox full of Garbage Pail Kid cards.

    27. You write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make "Born in the USA" the national anthem.

    28. You still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine.

    29. You know it's not "comma, comma, comma" it's karma.

    30. You stay up nights wondering what Bastian's mother's name was in "The Neverending Story."

    31. You have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak.

    32. You still practice your Care Bear Stare.

    33. You know that girls just wanna have fuh-un.

    34. You can name all The Wuzzles.

    35. You harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair.

    36. You can do the Safety Dance.

    37. In your spare time you are writing "The Breakfast Club".

    38. You like to "connect the dots, la la la la!"

    39. Someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don't say "Who?"

    40. Your prized possesion is a collection of "Return of the Jedi" Shrinky Dinks.

    41. You know whose number is 867-5309.

    42. You get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall's career.

    43. You're starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control.

    44. You drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to.

    45. You consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century.

    46. You have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train.

    47. You want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers.

    48. You still watch things on Beta.

    49. You want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand.

    50. You know that "Weird Science" was a movie before a tv show.

    51. Your favorite proverb is "some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on."

    52. You always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house.

    53. Your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos.

    54. You saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany's opening act.

    55. You liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser.

    56. You know which Hollywood Square Jm J Bullock was in.

    57. You practice getting in and out of your car through the windows.

    58. You have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts.

    59. You're still wondering who really was the boss.

    60. You know what the "P" in "Alex P. Keaton" stands for.

    61. You keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the Physical Challenge.

    62. You organize weekend tournaments of TV tag.

    63. You still drink New Coke.

    64. When you watch "Terminator" you wonder where Vincent is.

    65. You know ALF's real name.

    66. You never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eyeshadow and feathered bangs.

    67. You can name all of the Thundercats.

    68. You got a hankerin' for a hunk of cheese.

    69. Everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent.

    70. Your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann.

    71. Sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out.

    72. You're planning a dream vacation to Mepos.

    73. You use your Speak and Spell to phone home.

    74. You know the original members of Menudo.

    75. Sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love.

    76. When you're stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn't talk back..

    77. You remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to "Locomotion."

    78. You know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.

    79. People are constantly gagging you with spoons.

    80. Your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is "Walk Like an Egyptian."

    81. The only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes.

    82. You still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date.

    83. You hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital.

    84. You know which five people Serpentor's DNA came from.

    85. You have "We Are the World" on 5.

    86. You're still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik.

    87. You can feel St. Elmo's fire burnin' in you.

    88. You watch NYPD Blue thinking, "Well, they're no Crockett and Tubbs, that's for sure."

    89. "Goonies" is your favorite movie of all time! (I added that one! -MDR)

    90. You can remember Alanis Morissette's career before Jagged Little Pill.

    91. Every day, you take a ride on the Great Space Coaster.

    92. You want to party with Spuds Mackenzie.

    93. You can still identify any "My Little Pony" by solely by its magical markings.

    94. You know the answer to "Who's that Girl?"

    95. Thanks to the Coach, you know the location of Albania, its terrain and its main export.

    96. You proudly wear your prized collection of jelly bracelets and charm necklaces.

    97. You want to get physical with Olivia Newton-John.

    98. You know the name of the other guy from Wham!

    99. When someone mentions rap, you think of Run DMC and the Fat Boys.

    100. You still wear banana clips.

    101. You don't think Boner is an inappropriate nickname for a friend.

    102. When a problem comes along, you just whip it.

    103. You had sunglasses that were also a headband.

    104. You're still asking, "Where's the beef?"

    105. You remeber when Belinda still sang with the Go-Go's

    106. You ate Reeses Pieces because E.T. did.

    107. You remember when nobody believed Snuffy was real.

    108. You played Donkey Kong before you even cared what Nintendo meant.

    109. Every one of your favorite cartoons had its own cereal.

    110. On long car rides you break out the Mad Libs.


    100 Ways To Ensure That You Won't Get Laid

    1. Say you're from Arkansas.
    2. Drool.
    3. Show them your gun.
    4. Keep talking about your mommy.
    5. Lick peoples' faces.
    6. Tell people about your Michael Jackson shrine.
    7. End each sentence with "so when do we fuck?"
    8. Tell complete strangers about your dreams "It was old my old high school, but it was lit up like a casino.. Do you know what I mean?"
    9. Talk about your extensive porn video collection.
    10. Admit to people that you watch Dawson's Creek. Also works for Felicity, Party of Five, 90210, etc.
    11. Ask for spare change.
    12. Show everyone your track marks.
    13. Complain about those strange sores on your genitals that just won't go away.
    14. Tell people that you voted for Ross Perot.
    15. Two words: Pope hats.
    16. Bring in Polaroids of your hemorrhoid.
    17. Describe your yeast infection in detail.
    18. Talk about your ex-lover's funeral.
    19. Offer to bring her back to Burke to meet the guys.
    20. Recite bad poetry.
    21. Grab your genitals.
    22. Grab theirs.
    23. Yodel in bed.
    24. Squirt liquids out of your eyes.
    25. Ask them to pop the zits on your back.
    26. Bark.
    27. Wear overalls.
    28. Burn rubber. Burn rubbers.
    29. Carry a box of Depends.
    30. Say "I enjoy making speeches during sex."
    31. Keep saying "I think that would fit up my butt."
    32. Sing the score to Jesus Christ Superstar.
    33. Light your head on fire.
    34. Talk Quebec politics.
    35. Play the bagpipes.
    36. Drop your pants and point to your genitals.
    37. Lie about your identity.
    38. Start your pick-up with "I've been following you."
    39. Write love letters in blood.
    40. Carry a teddy bear.
    41. Show-off your body piercing.
    42. Grab their face.
    43. Speak really loudly and keep asking them if they're scared.
    44. Offer them a toot on your gluebag.
    45. Start masturbating.
    46. Never stop screaming.
    47. Say "I'm not making love to you. My other personality is."
    48. Show them your meat hook.
    49. flash your CSU business card.
    50. Tell them about your condom recycling ideas.
    51. Shout out the name of your last lover...Raoul Cedras, Haitian dictator.
    52. Duct tape a dead fish to your forehead.
    53. Hump their clothes in public.
    54. Ask if you can bring some friends
    55. Ask if you can bring your father.
    56. Pick, pick, pick your nose.
    57. Wear a Hitler moustache, especially if you're a woman.
    58. Ask them to marry you right away.
    59. Blame them for everything.
    60. When they take off their clothes, burst out laughing.
    61. Shit in bed.
    62. Show off your stigmata.
    63. Spend all day chatting online and not actually seeing a single person.
    64. Offer to mutilate yourself to prove your love.
    65. As soon as you meet say "Commitment or death, it's your choice."
    66. Ask them to join your suicide pact. "Have you ever had sex while plummeting to the ground in a flaming vehicle?"
    67. Tell them your crossbow is your best friend.
    68. Make gurgling noises at the table.
    69. Refuse to wear a condom. "I've never worn a condom and I've had over 100 lovers."
    70. Wear an End of the World sandwich board.
    71. Scream in pain while urinating.
    72. Ask "How come sex always ends in death?"
    73. Use napalm as lubricant.
    74. Tell them you can suck your own member.
    75. Gag while kissing.
    76. Suck their nose.
    77. Shit your pants and sing a song.
    78. Eat things you find on the street.
    79. Bring them to an International Socialist meeting.
    80. Tell them O.J. is your hero.
    81. Tell them, "If we're going to have sex I'm going to have to get batteries."
    82. Whip a gerbil out of your butt. Roll it up and smoke it.
    83. Get into your Smurf outfit.
    84. In the middle of sex say "Hey! This is way better than sheep."
    85. In the middle of sex "Hey! This is way better than pumpkins."
    86. Pull your tampon out. Swing it around your head and yell "Your goin' down Goliath!"
    87. Tell them you cry everytime you see "Edward Penishands."
    88. Demand cash up front.
    89. Say "I'm doing this because I feel sorry for you."
    90. Keep yelling "Next!"
    91. Never get their name right.
    92. Instead of foreplay try selling them a vacuum cleaner.
    93. Show them your tail.
    94. The minute you get to their place, hump their dog. Smile crazily.
    95. Wear a helmet all the time.
    96. Start doing "The Safety Dance."
    97. Begin with "The instruction manual said..."
    98. Put your underwear on your head.
    99. Be yourself.
    100. Make lists about how not to get laid.



    1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
    and stranding them at strategic locations.

    2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

    3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals
    throughout the day.

    4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get
    to join in.

    5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
    spray air fresheners.

    6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

    7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

    8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

    9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW,
    especially thin narrow aisles.

    10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
    think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what

    11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off
    and turn the volumes to "10".

    12. Play with the automatic doors.

    13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen
    you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid

    14. While walking through the clothing department, ask
    yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk,

    15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

    16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're
    taking it for a "test drive."

    17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about
    five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the

    18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store
    as your playing field.

    19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look
    mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

    20. Put M&M's on layaway.

    21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

    22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll
    only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

    23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from
    the other aisles.

    24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around
    saying,"...I'm Batman. Come, Robin, to the Batcave!"

    26. TP as much of the store as possible.

    27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

    28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
    upside down.

    29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask,
    "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

    30. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired
    employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any
    Shnerples here?"

    31. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
    battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

    32. Take bets on the battle described above.

    33. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

    34. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
    "Mission: Impossible."

    35. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while
    squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him " I
    need some tampons!!"

    36. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

    37. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

    38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

    39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

    40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
    your Twinkies?"

    41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

    42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

    43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet
    food aisle, etc.

    44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

    45. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the

    46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at
    something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

    47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

    48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker,
    assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those
    voices again!"

    49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

    50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and
    relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain
    that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little
    umbrella in it.

    51. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice
    possible "sex and candy"

    52. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your
    head and walk around the store casually.

    53. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the

    54. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

    55. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run
    between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

    56. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror
    while you pick your nose.

    57. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes.
    (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

    58. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly
    ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act
    as spastic as possible.

    59. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and
    women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

    60. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch
    everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

    61. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with
    various funnels.

    62. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse
    through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare
    them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

    63. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you
    and get into a very serious conversation. Ex: The person is
    breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you
    do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was
    another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME
    darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto
    the ground screaming and having convulsions.

    64. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people

    65. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and
    begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

    66. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of
    shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the
    boxes and throw it in various aisles.

    67. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

    68. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every
    perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another
    girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
    "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy
    shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way.
    "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)."

    69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples
    carts when they don't realize it!

    70. Walk around the perfume department with a bottle of
    super strong perfume and spray people as they walk by. Lean
    in and sniff them then jump back and wave your hand in front
    of your nose and saying "Oh god, your over powering the

    71. Hit on the elderly.

    72. Hit on 5 year olds.

    73. In the food aisle, pretend like there's a little bug, slowly
    move your head to the right, then swing your head to the left
    as if your trying to follow it. Slowly lower your head to the
    ground, then start spinning around in circles stomping like
    crazy. Then finally yell out "Yes!!! I got it!!! Wow, that was
    the biggest Cockrouch I've ever seen, i think it was pregnant!!!
    Hey look, there's another one!!!" Then Repeat.

    74. Repeat 73 with a can of bug spray.

    75. Crawl around on the ground and pretend that your a cat.
    Meow when people walk by, rub up against their legs, etc.

    76. Ride around on those electric cars and pretend that your a
    prissy English Man. Say things like "Cheerio, good man." to
    people who walk by. And don't forget to have perfect posture.

    77. Start grunting like Beavis and Butthead while chasing your
    friends up and down aisles trying to run over them with those
    electric cars. Make sure to tell your friends to act like they
    don't know you.

    78. Spend all your money riding on those little rides for
    toddlers. Fit the character; if your on a hoarse, then pretend
    that your a cowboy, etc.. And If a little kid comes over
    wanting to use it, start barking at them until
    they run away crying.

    79. Have silly string fights with a friend. Hide behind
    customers and "accidentally" hit the people instead of your

    80. Excesively use anything thing that says "Try Me".

    81. Start pocketing any and all free samples.

    82. Draw mustaches on all the pictures and mannequins.

    82. Walk up to the customer service and when they say
    "Hello, how may I help you?" say "Yes, I'll have a Quarter
    Pounder with cheese, one strawberry shake, a large order of
    french fries and a diet coke." And when they start to talk, say
    "Oh, to go". Then when they say that they can't give it to you
    say "Oh, This is because I'm gay isn't it? I'd expect this from
    Caldors, but not Walmart. People who are gay are just like
    everyone else your know. You digust me" Then walk away
    mumbling to yourself. If your a guy, try to act as valley- girl-
    like as you can

    83. Start to madly scratch yourself and walk up to people
    asking where the rash cream is because your family and all
    your friends seem to have a rash too.

    84. When your alone, have loud conversations with your
    "multiple personalities". Have an English man, a Southern
    person, someone from New York, a Grandma, and a 5 year old
    girl all at the same time. You have to use accents. They should
    sound like this: "Great idea good fellow, we shall have a jolly
    good time.(English)" "Look, oall I wanna do, is wok ta
    Stawbucks and git a cawfee(New York)" Etc.

    85. Start "dancing" like mad. Basically, just wail your arms
    and legs around like your having some kind of massive

    86. Try on crazy costumes and walk casually through the

    87. Stick your arm in your jacket and suspiciously start to
    leave the store. Get really tense and start to lean over as your
    walking through the doors As if your suspecting the alarms to
    go off. Then when it doesn't go off, let out a big sigh. Then
    quickly look around you to see who's watching and run away
    as fast as your can.

    88. Balance EVERYTHING you see on the tips of your finger,
    your nose, your forehead, and the top of your head while
    singing the circus song.

    89. Put jockstraps in the lingerie department

    90. Put lingerie in the men's department.

    91. Put super sexy lingerie in old men's carts when they turn

    92. When your alone, start screaming help and yelling that
    someone istrying to rape you. Then when everyone runs over,
    start crying and saying "All I ever wanted was a little
    attention" Then run away crying.

    93. Spend hours staring at a little blinking light. After a while,
    start saying blink everytime it blinks. Don't look away, just
    stay mesmerized.

    94. Walk up to a lady and calmly say "Help me. The voices in
    my head are telling me to do naughty things." Then clap your
    hands over your ears, fly yell head around and start screaming
    NO NO NO!!!!" Then suddenly stop, look her straight in the
    eyes, and Calmly say "I...will start...a fire..." The pull out a
    zippo and start laughing hysterically in an evil way. But don't
    light the zippo, just hold it closed.

    95. Light a match under a spinkler.

    96. Walk up to someone and say "Oh, so your back for more. I
    warned you never to come back here. Wait here while i go get
    my shot gun". Then walk away.

    97. Walk up to a guy and say "Oh my god, is it you? Oh my
    god it is!!! I haven't seen you in so long!!!!" Then kiss him.
    Then slap and him say "Why didn't you ever call me??" Then
    walk away. Much more affective if you're a guy.

    98. Stand next to a maniquin and pretend that your a
    mannequin. Try to hold the same position for as long as
    possible. Then finally as someone is walking by, check your
    watch and say. "Finally, my shift is done. I really don't get
    paid enough to do this"

    99. Start singing oldies songs in to megaphone.

    100. Act like your about to cry and ask people "Have you seen
    my mommy?"

    101. Steal a Walmart shirt. The possibilities are endless.

    BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.


    101 Ways To Be Annoying

    1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

    2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

    3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
    entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

    5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
    talking to others.

    6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and
    then pointing it at the screen.

    7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

    8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

    9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
    this is so no one will "swipe your grub."

    10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99

    11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

    12. Sniffle incessantly.

    13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

    14. Name your dog "Dog."

    15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
    conditions "to keep them tuned up."

    16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

    17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your
    "astronaut training."

    18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
    upstairs for "violating your airspace."

    19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
    "real hoot."

    20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
    can of Lysol.

    21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

    22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
    your boss.

    23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

    24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play
    along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

    25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
    neighbors you are a "spider person."

    26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

    27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

    28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
    silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

    29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

    30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the

    31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard
    Cosell voice.

    32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist
    to others that you "like it that way."

    34. Drum on every available surface.

    35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

    36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

    37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright

    38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

    39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

    40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

    41. Set alarms for random times.

    42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

    43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

    44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

    45. Honk and wave to strangers.

    46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

    47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

    48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental

    49. Wear your pants backwards.

    50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary
    mints by the cash register.

    51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


    53. only type in lowercase.

    54. dont use any punctuation either

    55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

    56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

    57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

    58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

    59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

    60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J.
    Simpson conspiracy theories.

    61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
    "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

    62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

    63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

    64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

    65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

    66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

    67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
    physically restrained.

    68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

    69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

    70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

    71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

    72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
    chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

    73. Drive half a block.

    74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

    75. Ask people what gender they are.

    76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in
    the tray.

    77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

    78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
    don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."

    79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains,
    such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

    80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

    81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

    82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

    83. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first
    in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
    pronounce each "a."

    84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if
    they slow down.

    85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

    86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

    87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
    necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

    88. Sing along at the opera.

    89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

    90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

    91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

    92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

    93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers
    in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

    94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

    95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

    96. Never make eye contact.

    97. Never break eye contact.

    98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

    99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it,
    announcing the results.

    100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

    101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

    (c) 1996, WitCity Studios


    10 Commandements of a Teenager!!!

    1) Thou shall not sneek out when parents are sleeping. (why wait?)
    2) Thou shall not do drugz (alcohol last longer)
    3) Thou shall not steel from k-mart. (Wal*Mart has a bigger selection)
    4) Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism. (destruction has a bigger
    5) Thou shall not steel from thy parents. (every-1 knows grandma has
    more money)
    6) Thou shall not get in fights. (just start them)
    7) Thou shall not skip class. (just take the whole day off)
    8) Thou shall not strip in class. (hooters pays more)
    9) Thou shall not think about having sex. (as nike sayz just do it)
    10) Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street. (just leave them in
    the middle)


    Top ten ways the Bible would be different if it were written by college students

    10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

    9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in
    a large font.

    8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.

    7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

    6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to

    5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

    4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

    3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.

    2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't
    want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

    1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He
    would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-


    Top 10 Ways To Tell Santa Is A Computer Nerd
    10. He's got long hair, a beard and wears the same clothes all the time.
    9. He hangs out with a weird group of friends he calls "elves".
    8. He's got a goofy laugh and chuckles at anything.
    7. He loves getting mail.
    6. Children like him, teenagers laugh at him, adults pretend he doesn't exist.
    5. He makes all the toys himself believing no one else can do as good a job.
    4. He thinks nothing of hacking into your home late at night.
    3. He refuses to sell his toys, preferring them to remain shareware.
    2. He shuns conventional transportation and insists on
    using a sleigh pulled by reindeer.
    1. His biggest regret on Christmas Eve is that his
    red suit doesn't hold a pocket protector.


    10 of Daddy's Rules for Dating

    Rule One:

    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering
    a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:

    You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance
    at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If
    you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
    will remove them.

    Rule Three:

    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
    to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
    off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all
    of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and
    open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
    You may come to the door with your underwear showing and
    your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in
    order to ensure that your clothes do no, infact come off during
    the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric
    nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:

    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
    utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me
    elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill

    Rule Five:

    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
    other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of
    the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require
    from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
    duaghter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
    you on this subject is: early."

    Rule Six:

    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
    opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as
    it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out
    with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until
    she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you

    Rule Seven:

    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
    appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
    If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
    dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
    can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of
    just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
    changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:

    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
    daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer
    than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. PLaces
    where there is dancing,holding hands, or happiness. Places
    where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my
    duaghter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
    othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped
    up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme
    are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
    are better.

    Rule Nine:

    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
    middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my
    daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
    If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one
    chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
    truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the
    house. Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:

    Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
    the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in
    over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange stargts
    acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
    guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as
    you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both
    hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in
    a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely
    and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to
    come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

    Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
    Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be attracted to you
    Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out, but it won't amount
    to much
    10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have lots of dates.


    122 Pick Up Lines

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop 'em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who use to hand out phone cards that said: "Smile is you want to sleep with me." And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?" "Can I help?"

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels......NOW!

    18. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

    22. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You: "Do you have the energy?"

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Hello love, do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what's one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewellry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. "Are you ready to go home yet?"

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh?

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I'd look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nug you?

    54. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

    56. I'm Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.

    58. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?

    59. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    60. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    61. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: "I want to see if you were really made in heaven."

    62. Let's do breakfast tomorrow--should I call you or nudge you?

    63. You know what I like about you? My arms.

    64. I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen... On a Wednesday.

    65. Excuse me, why is your drink glowing?

    66. How did you achieve such a gaudy effect with only FDA-approved cosmetics?

    67. You're ugly, but you interest me.

    68. Screw me if I am wrong but you want to fuck me don't you?

    69. Do you believe in one-night-stands?

    70. With one touch, I could make you make sounds that only a dog could hear.

    71. If I said you have an ugly body, would you hold it against me?

    72. If I gave you a negligee for my birthday, would there be anything in it for me?

    73. If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

    74. I'm leaving this place... want to cum?

    75. I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? And are you dissapointed?

    76. Why you've got the whitest teeth I'd ever want to cum across!

    77. Who's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

    78. Ok, fuck me if I'm wrong, but I think you want to kiss me.

    79. I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

    80. Free mamograms, get your free mamograms here, get 'em while they're hot!

    81. Do you have a quarter? Too bad, becuase I need to call my mother and tell her that I found the woman of my dreams.

    82. Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.

    83. That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

    84. Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

    85. Are you religious? Good, because I'm the answer to your prayers.

    86. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, when you want a MANfriend, come and talk to me.

    87. Did it hurt? Woman: Did what hurt? When you fell out of heaven?

    88. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

    89. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    90. I am conducting a feel test of how many woman have pierced nipples?

    91. Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's?

    92. Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

    93. Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us

    94. You smell wet. Let's Party.

    95. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

    96. Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.

    97. Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?

    98. Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?

    99. I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime...

    100. I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.

    101. No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?

    102. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

    103. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.

    104. Excuse me, do you live around here often?

    105. Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

    106. What's your sign?

    107. You have the ass of a great artist.

    108. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

    109. Let's take a shower together -- you smell.

    110. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade

    111. If I was Elvis, would you screw me?

    112. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew...

    113. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)

    114. "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."

    115. "What was that?" "That sound." "It was the sound of my heart breaking."

    116. I need your help. I must expel some seminal fluid. May I use your body?

    117. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.

    118. Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

    119. Do you like jewels? Well suck my cock, it's a GEM.

    120. Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?

    121. Do you want to go halves on a bastard?

    122. Have you ever played leap frog naked ??


    1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
    you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to
    ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my

    2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their
    sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get
    your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or
    whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your
    credit card.

    3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to
    know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care
    these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes
    are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just
    continue on with telling about your problems.

    4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his
    name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.
    Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long
    as necessary.

    5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie
    and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds
    pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

    6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this
    really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will
    give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck
    she could know you from.

    7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an
    even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep
    going until they hang up.

    8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
    reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would
    you be my friend?"

    9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat
    blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

    10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary
    feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
    Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered,
    but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a
    complete stranger.

    11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
    Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget &
    Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
    Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too?
    How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling
    to employees! Oh well, see ya."

    12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone
    number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out
    their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call
    them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of
    Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at
    home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)


    Ways to reject pick-up lines

    1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
    3.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
    Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

    4.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
    Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

    5.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who
    used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to
    dance and she refused:
    Man: "Want to Dance?"
    Woman: "No, thank you."
    Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

    6.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
    Woman: "It's in the phone book."
    Man: "But I don't know your name."
    Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

    7.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
    Woman: "Female impersonator."

    8.) And here's one including the correct snappy return
    Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
    Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

    9.) A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach
    her in a club while she was in college with the line,"Where have you been
    all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half
    of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

    10.) A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation.
    We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just
    walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?"
    My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were
    good looking, but he was mistaken."

    11.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
    had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies
    explained how she handled it once...
    When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
    "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
    She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately
    blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.

    12.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
    You make me wanna... Zee


    1998 Bumper Stickers

    * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

    * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

    * Horn broken, watch for finger.

    * My kid had sex with your honor student.

    * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

    * Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

    * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    * Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

    * I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

    * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    * Keep honking, I'm reloading.

    * Hang up and drive.

    * Lord save me from your followers.

    * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

    * Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

    * I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

    * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

    * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

    * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

    * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you
    can find a rock.

    * Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.

    Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
    My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
    If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
    You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
    This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
    Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
    If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
    The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
    Illiterate? Write For Help
    I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
    You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
    I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
    Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
    It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
    I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
    If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
    [Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
    Ax Me About Ebonics
    Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
    Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
    Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
    Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
    How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?


    19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

    1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining
    that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

    2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding

    3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask
    if he would mind watering your plants.

    4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas.
    Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

    5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy
    when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa

    6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that
    say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

    7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
    wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way

    8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse
    to let him leave until the strippers arrive.

    9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he
    comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last
    payment, and take off.

    10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note
    that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a
    stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that
    says, "For Santa."

    11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When
    Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They
    always return to the scene of the crime."

    12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and

    13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

    14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see
    them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and
    fire a gun.

    15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with
    unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

    16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get
    caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he
    looked like a bear.

    17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

    18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the
    house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been
    "trampled." Threaten to sue.

    19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up
    like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
    neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


    25 Signs You're Getting Older

    1. Your potted plants stay alive.
    2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
    3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
    5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
    6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
    7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
    8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
    9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next
    door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
    11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
    14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
    15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
    17. Dinner and a movie -- the whole date instead of the beginning of
    18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
    19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids -- not
    condoms and pregnancy-test kits.
    20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
    22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi &
    23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going
    to drink that much again."
    24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
    real work.
    25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.


    Top 25 Ways To Drive Your Roommate Crazy

    1. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the
    hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go
    back to bed. If yourroommate asks, say you don't know what
    he/she is talking about.

    2. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks,
    start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same
    room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid
    of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever

    3. Buy a Jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the
    clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

    4. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your
    stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your

    5. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the
    tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here

    6. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling.
    When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head,
    and moan.

    7. Punch a hole in the TV Set and watch it anyway, complaining
    about the poor picture quality.

    8. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names.
    Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato
    from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
    potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't

    9. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests,
    explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as
    your normally would.

    10. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate
    if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on
    the empty side of the room with concern.

    11.When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the
    phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang
    up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

    12. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
    nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster
    with two players."

    13. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act
    offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it
    up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer".

    14. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on
    them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the
    music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and
    say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

    15. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to
    the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's
    possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

    16. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly
    complain that your feet hurt.

    17. Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb
    with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often
    about the cost of new lightbulbs.

    18. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her
    do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around
    campus. If Your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right
    to know!"

    19. Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people.
    Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It
    had to be done."

    20. Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson!
    Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!)

    21. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask
    your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your
    roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it
    look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the

    22. Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
    protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.

    23. Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever
    you'd like to have a conversation.

    24. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When
    your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering
    a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later,"
    while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

    25. Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go
    and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry,
    shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what
    they're talking about.


    27 Ways to Relieve Stress

    1. Shove 20 marshmellows up your nose and try sneezing them out.

    2. Use your Master Card to pay off your Visa.


    4. Make a TO-DO list of things that you have already done.

    5. Put your little sister's clothes on her backwards, and send her to
    preschool as though nothing were wrong.

    6. Fill your taxes out in Roman numerals as revenge against the government.

    7. Draw underwear on the natives in National Geographic.

    8. Pay your electric bill in pennies.


    10. Refresh your self: put your tongue on a cold steel guard-rail.

    11. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it gets back to


    13. Bill your doctor for the time you spend in the waiting room.

    14.write a short story using alphabet soup.


    16. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

    WAIT!!!! Why are there only 16 things on this "27 Ways to Relieve Stress,"
    you ask? Well, I didn't feel like typing the ones that weren't very funny!!!!


    30 Fun Things to do When Driving

    1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
    2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
    3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
    4. Two words: Chicken suit.
    5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
    6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
    7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
    8. Stop at the green lights.
    9. Go at the red ones.
    10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
    11. Eat food that requires silverware.
    12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
    13. Sing without having the radio on.
    14. Honk frequently without motivation.
    15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
    16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
    17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
    18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
    19. Restart your car at every stop light.
    20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
    21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
    22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
    23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
    27. Stop and collect roadkill.
    28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
    29. Throw Spam.
    30. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
    31. Chinese Firedrill. Get at least 2 people in a car (the more the better) when the light turns red everyone get out and run around the car and yell "fire, fire!" Then get back in the car but switch drivers. Then drive off when the light turns green and act like nothing happened. (Called Chinese Fire Drill because China is so crowded that there is no place to run in a fire. So you have to get back in.)

    0 people: your life will be a living hell
    1-5 people: someone will get a crush on you
    5-10 people: your crush will ask you out
    10-15 people: you will go on a date with your crush
    15-20 people: you will go to a dance with your crush
    20-25 people: you will make out with your crush
    25+ people: you will SCORE with your crush



    1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
    2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
    3. Why don't we just cuddle?
    4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
    5. Make it dance.
    6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
    7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
    8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
    9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
    10. Oh no... a flash headache.
    11. (giggle and point)
    12. Can I be honest with you?
    13. How sweet, you brought incense.
    14. This explains your car.
    15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
    16. Why is God punishing me?
    17. At least this won't take long.
    18. I never saw one like that before.
    19. But it still works, right?
    20. It looks so unused.
    21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
    22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
    23. Are you cold?
    24. If you get me real drunk first.
    25. Is that an optical illusion?
    26. What is that?
    27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
    28. Does it come with an air pump?
    29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on
    30. I guess this makes me the early bird.


    39 Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid:

    1)A few clowns short of a circus.
    2)A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
    3)An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
    4)A few beers short of a six-pack.
    5)Dumber than a box of hair.
    6)A few peas short of a casserole.
    7)Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
    8)The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
    9)One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
    10)One taco short of a combination plate.
    11)A few feathers short of a whole duck.
    12)All foam, no beer.
    13)The cheese slid off her cracker.
    14)Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
    15)Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
    16)He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
    17)An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
    18)As smart as bait.
    19)Chimney's clogged.
    20)Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
    21)Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
    22)Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
    23)Forgot to pay her brain bill.
    24)Her sewing machine's out of thread.
    25)His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
    26)His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
    27)If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
    28)Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
    29)No grain in the silo.
    30)Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
    31)Receiver is off the hook.
    32)Several nuts short of a full pouch.
    33)Skylight leaks a little.
    34)Slinky's kinked.
    35)Surfing in Nebraska.
    36)Too much yardage between the goal posts.
    37)Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
    38)The lights are on, but nobody's home.
    39)24 cents short of a quarter.



    Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her
    feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by
    cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of

    Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
    difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish
    the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

    You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake
    repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head
    from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

    Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get
    their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

    Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're
    trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive.
    They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your
    tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

    Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and
    thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on
    the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

    A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and
    West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've
    ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
    start paying them some attention.

    Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled
    fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her
    to take the damn things off.

    Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

    Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along
    side of the clitoris.

    Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they
    plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep
    going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

    Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
    waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
    not a kid's toy.

    Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the
    material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

    Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
    that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
    you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
    principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried
    away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
    vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes

    You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in
    the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

    Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move
    toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

    A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

    When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
    is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
    assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with
    clean, straight, regular thrusts.

    If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the
    pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few

    Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of
    her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

    It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the
    mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
    least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her
    interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

    You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you
    really don't know, don't ask

    Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down
    there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her

    Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it
    will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about
    three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to
    use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

    Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it.
    When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's

    Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
    there. And don't grab her head.

    In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In
    real life, it just means more laundry to do.

    Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all
    the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
    much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

    This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions.
    If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
    is an excuse.

    When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to
    show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

    Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey
    on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
    props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

    There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

    If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian
    gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner
    with snapped hamstrings.

    Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
    a prostate. Women don't.

    It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck,
    if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty
    scarves for weeks on end.

    Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big

    It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If
    she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

    You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she
    might even do the same for you.

    Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too
    heavily, she will turn blue.

    Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup

    send this to everyone you know or else you'll have bad sex for ever!!!



    01. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means
    02. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
    03. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
    Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a
    long week end, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    04. Hookers and the homeless are invisible.
    05. The subway makes sense.
    06. The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the
    07. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
    language makes you multi-lingual.
    08. You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big
    09. Your door has more than three locks.
    10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
    11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
    12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
    13. You consider Westchester "Upstate".
    14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Wapner.
    15. You think Central Park is "nature."
    16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
    17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
    and you think it's a "steal."
    18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both
    19. You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the
    U.S. pay in rent.
    20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
    you went away to camp as a kid.
    21. You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most
    Americans are heading to bed.
    22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
    23. You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since 1977,
    and when you did, it terrified you.
    24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28
    25. You take fashion seriously.
    26. Being truly alone makes you nervous.
    27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
    28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
    29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
    30. You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.
    31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
    32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping mom last Thanksgiving.
    33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
    34. Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your
    35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
    36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
    37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
    38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
    qualityand what it's doing to your lungs.
    39. You live in a building with a larger population than most
    American towns.
    40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is
    Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is
    Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner
    owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese,
    your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newstand guy is Indian and
    your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.


    45 fun things to do on a paper you don't care about

    1. Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts
    with really small fonts.

    2. Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

    3. Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking
    them all over the professor's door.

    4. Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of
    your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish

    5. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant
    Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would
    have used nunchakus or katanas.

    6. Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking
    them on the page, ransom-note style.

    7. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

    8. Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog
    from eating it.

    9. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do
    the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if
    it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious.
    If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the
    paper actually exists.

    10. If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper
    was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words,

    11. Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer
    crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the

    12. Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your

    13. Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of
    the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

    14. The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain
    that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive
    military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis.
    Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

    15. Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you
    were trying to get the feel for the period.

    16. Turn in a letter your wrote to your cousin. When the teacher
    confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the
    paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it
    back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while. (This
    is a nifty way to get an extension.)

    17. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
    cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

    18. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your
    primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you
    until the next full moon.

    19. Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that
    on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run
    over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

    20. Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned
    by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did
    tell you to include footnotes.

    21. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper,
    perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the
    paper and correct all your typos.

    22. Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper,
    opera-style, and hand that in.

    23. Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that
    might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

    24. Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from
    several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different
    perspectives on your work.

    25. TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

    26. Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and
    hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an
    emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what
    you had to say.

    27. Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc
    Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King
    Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

    28. Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

    29. Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a
    member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of
    trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

    30. Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the
    words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the

    31. Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a
    few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

    32. Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows
    on the way to class.

    33. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text
    overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

    34. Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is
    "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle
    would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers'
    reactions to Spuds McKensie.

    35. Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

    36. Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for
    pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other
    interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an
    interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-\|/??!]}.

    37. Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the
    picture as a resource.

    38. On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and
    screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class
    a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell,
    "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all
    through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

    39. Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the
    paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the
    horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

    40. Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things.
    For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in
    Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire
    collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

    41. Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For
    example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin

    42. Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew
    you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

    43. Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty
    Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

    44. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline
    of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

    45. Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in
    a bar so that you could see "sociology in action".


    Okay, guys, we've been in school for a few weeks now, and in case you find
    your classes to be dull, try a few of these things to liven up class a bit.

    50 Fun Things to Do In Class
    by Alan Meiss

    1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and
    saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
    2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the
    overhead projector.
    3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
    4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
    5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't
    wear it out!"
    6. Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
    7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would
    go if he died tomorrow.
    8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
    9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
    10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle
    of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode
    of Starsky and Hutch.
    11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip
    the pages out of your textbook.
    12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention
    to pursue a career in measurements and units.
    13. Sing your questions.
    14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
    15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE!
    Oh, no, sorry."
    16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you
    actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
    17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
    18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
    19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
    20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang
    cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
    21. Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
    22. Address the professor as "your excellency".
    23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been
    24. Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
    25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
    26. Ask whether you have to come to class.
    27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
    28. Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
    29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee
    henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
    30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard
    31. Watch the professor through binoculars.
    32. Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
    33. Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
    ask for one extra copy of each handout.
    34. When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY
    35. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name,
    even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
    36. Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
    37. As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board.
    Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
    38. Claim that you wrote the class text book.
    39. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and
    scream "IMPOSTER!"
    40. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
    41. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5"
    at the top, and start passing it around the room.
    42. Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the
    professor answers.
    43. Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for
    44. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
    45. Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while
    playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
    46. Wink at the professor every few minutes.
    47. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
    48. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
    49. Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
    50. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of
    ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.


    50 Ways to Confuse, Worry, or Just Scare the Bejeezus Out of the People
    in the Computer Lab

    1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
    scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop
    and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on
    duty that you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned
    it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a
    good half hour.

    4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to
    you evilly.

    5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to
    different screen than the one it's set up with.

    6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it
    at the highest volume possible over & over again.

    7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into
    top-secret Pentagon files.

    9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

    10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn
    it on.

    11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have
    it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
    at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

    13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
    they're crazy while typing.

    14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before

    15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until
    someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I

    16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time
    required, pray
    "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it

    17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

    18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you
    (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new

    19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets.
    Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

    20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The
    Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

    21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape
    it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
    complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

    22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive,
    when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

    23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly
    where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

    24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all
    done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

    25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After
    doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to

    26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person
    next to you. Grinds some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never
    provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension,
    and it is far more effective to let them linger.

    27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split
    ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you

    28. Put a large, gold framed portrait of the British Royal Family
    on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

    29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes
    and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
    drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic
    beauty of cotton on plastic.

    30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your
    paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the
    bad working conditions.

    31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!"
    and continue working.

    32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is

    33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e.. the Delete key is A
    Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note
    loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

    34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

    35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse
    me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking

    36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

    37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that
    sometimes the old ways are best.

    38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

    39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again
    until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar
    so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard.
    Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you
    do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and
    resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until
    you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly
    exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole
    time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and

    40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab
    monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special
    effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that
    the computer is drooling.)

    41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really
    puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep
    laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

    42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making
    elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse,
    then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the
    table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this
    time," and calmly start to type again.

    43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

    44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk
    to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang-up before they get
    a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

    45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

    46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that
    the lead doesn't work.

    47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
    flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
    happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat
    this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
    keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and
    walk out.

    48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!",
    then calmly sit down and begin to type.

    49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker
    chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and
    say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for
    the next week".

    50. Two words: Tesla Coil.



    1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
    got the secret documents!!"

    2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
    debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
    yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then
    start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

    3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

    4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to
    answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
    question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
    beliefs. Be creative.

    5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
    sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I
    have to leave the country" and run off.

    6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
    very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
    Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
    exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15

    7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
    your head, and nothing else.

    8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the
    exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

    9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she's not
    looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

    10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

    11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to
    another seat, continue with the exam.

    12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out,
    start commenting on how easy it was.

    13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down
    violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

    14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
    leaving after one hour to go drink.)

    15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some
    point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

    16. Comment on how good the instructor is looking that day.

    17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min,
    put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of
    the opera" until they drag you away.

    18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest
    proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers
    into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything
    to your own life story.

    19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

    20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next
    to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

    21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
    chairs, anything you can reach.

    22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

    23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2
    rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if

    25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly
    say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've
    been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And
    who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

    26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know
    one, make one up!

    27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
    answers completely blacked out.

    28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor
    asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb
    that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a
    clapper. DUH!"

    29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
    Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
    finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
    theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

    30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to
    any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

    Next section submitted by Jeremy Willis

    31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last
    15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do
    some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

    32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
    long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
    creative. Use the integral symbol.

    33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
    instructor's left nostril.

    34. Bring cheerleaders.

    35. Bring pets.

    36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

    37 Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to
    be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the
    instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor
    to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to

    38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and
    true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
    interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

    39. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
    instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
    leaving after one hour to go drink)

    40. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
    know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
    you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
    Fight for your right to take the exam.

    41. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing
    loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this
    drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

    42. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

    43. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

    44. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
    through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have
    bad circulation.

    45. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
    obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
    you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
    staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
    attached notes for references as you see fit."

    46. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

    47. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around
    like they do before concerts start.

    48. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

    49. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams,
    etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

    50. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
    chairs, anything you can reach.

    51. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards
    at a 90 degree angle.

    52. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If
    you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of
    the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
    the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
    use the phrase "Told you so".

    53. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx

    54. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the
    person next to you as if he\she did it.

    55. Write a short story about your childhood, or an experience
    that you once had. If you can't think of anything, make something
    up. Be creative. End the story with "I just thought I should tell

    56. Wear a mask or costume, pretend that you really DO think
    that you're someone else.

    57. Play loud music.

    58. When you turn in your test, take all the ones under it and
    throw them away or keep them or put your name on some of them.
    Do it casually, as if that's what you are supposed to do after an

    59. Dress like the professor.

    60. Cross-Dress.

    61. Borrow a friend's Video taping equipment and set up a lot of
    lights and a camera around your desk. Call out instructions to
    imaginary people who are supposed to be working the equipment.

    62. Two words: Plastic Explosives.

    63. Bring food or Drinks, pass them out to the class as if
    you're supposed to be giving samples for a fund raiser. Use the
    words "Would you buy something like this if we had a bake sale?"
    It doesn't matter if they are baked goods or not.

    64. Trip people as they walk by your desk.

    65. Read all the questions out loud like Rain Man.

    66. Walk around the room and ask people if there is anything
    that you can help them with. Speak loudly stutter and spit. Make
    a show of it.

    67. Make several origami animals out of the test papers.
    Re-enact scenes from your favorite soap opera with them.

    68. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the
    classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you.
    When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules
    of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

    69. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

    70. Order catering. The catering company should come in about
    halfway through the test, and should include at least three
    waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.

    71. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay,
    let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C.
    Number three, E...."



    1. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back
    and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town,
    Santa Claus is coming to town..."

    2. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it.
    Collect coal and sharp objects in it.

    3. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly
    complain about how you never get to join in on the
    reindeer games.

    4. Sing "All I want for Christmas is your two front

    5. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and
    eat the best parts first.

    6. Smoke mistletoe. Do what comes naturally.

    7. Take some miniature marshmallows and put them in a
    little baggie. Attach a note to the bag that has a
    picture of a snow man and this poem:

    'You have been naughty, and here's the scoop
    All you get is the snowman's poop!'


    Don't call me a Generation X-er

    I am a child of the eighties what I prefer to be called. The nineties can do without me. Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer trying to figure out why people wear flannel in the summer. When I got home from school, I played with my Atari 2600. I spent hours playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Dodge'em Cars or Frogger. I never did beat Asteroids. Then I watched "Scooby Doo." Daphne was a Goddess, and I thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of their psychedelic van. I hated Scrappy. I would sleep over at friends' houses on the weekends. We played army with G.I. Joe figures, and I set up galactic wars between Autobots and Decepticons. We stayed up half the night throwing marshmallows and Velveeta at one another. We never beat the Rubik's Cube. I got up on Saturday mornings at 6 a.m. to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks," "Jabberjaw," "Captain Caveman," and "SpaceGhost." In between I would watch "School House Rock." ("Conjunction junction, what's your function?") On weeknights Daisy Duke was my future wife. I was going to own the General Lee and shoot dynamite arrows out the back. Why did they weld the doors shut? At the movies the Nerds got Revenge on the Alpha Betas by teaming up with the Omega Mus. I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark of the Covenant, and wondered what Yoda meant when he said, "No, there is another." Ronald Reagan was cool. Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds in Moscow. My family took summer vacations to the Gulf of Mexico and collected "Muppet Movie" glasses along the way. (We had the whole set.) My siblings and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel we found creative uses for Connect Four pieces like throwing them in that big air conditioning unit. I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Little Pink Houses for Jack and Diane. I was bewildered by Boy George and the colors of his dreams, red, gold, and green. MTV played videos. Nickelodeon played "You Can't Do That on Television" and "Dangermouse." Cor! HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel everybody except Robin Givens, the bad actress from "Head of the Class" who took all Mike's cashflow. I drank Dr. Pepper. "I'm a Pepper, you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?" Shasta was for losers. TAB was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social statement. Orange juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore, and bacon had to move over for something meatier. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie Snack Cakes in my Charlie Brown lunch box, and filled my Snoopy Thermos with grape Kool-Aid. I would never eat the snack cakes, though. Did anyone? I got two thousand cheese and cracker snack packs, and I ate those. I went to school and had recess. I went to the same classes everyday. Some weird guy from the eighth grade always won the science fair with the working hydro-electric plant that leaked on my project about music and plants. They just loved Beethoven. Field day was bigger than Christmas,but it always managed to rain just enough to make everybody miserable before they fell over in the three-legged race. Where did all those panty hose come from? "Deck the Halls with Gasoline, fa la la la la la la la la," was just a song. Burping was cool. Rubber band fights were cooler.substitute teacher was a baby sitter/marked woman. Nobody deserved that. I went to Cub Scouts. I got my arrow-of-light, but never managed to win the Pinewood Derby. I got almost every skill award but don't remember ever doing anything. The world stopped when the Challenger exploded. Half of your friends'parents got divorced. People did not just say no to drugs. AIDS started, but you knew more people who had a grandparent die from cancer. Somebody in your school died before they graduated. When you put all this stuff together, you have my childhood. If this stuff sounds familiar, then I bet you are one, too. We are children of the eighties. That is what I prefer "they" call it. We are the children of the Eighties. We are not the first "lost generation" nor today's lost generation; in fact, we think we know just where we stand - or are discovering it as we speak. We are the ones who played with Lego Building Blocks when they were just building blocks and gave Malibu Barbie crewcuts with safety scissors that never really cut. We collected Garbage Pail Kids and Cabbage Patch Kids and My Little Ponies and Hot Wheels and He-Man action figures and thought She-Ra looked just a little bit like I would when I was a woman. Big Wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go, and sidewalk chalk was all you needed to build a city. Imagination was the key. It made the Ewok Treehouse big enough for you to be Luke and the kitchen table and an old sheet dark enough to be a tent in the forest. Your world was the backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape player,Debbie Gibson sang back up to you and everyone wanted a skirt like the Material Girl and a glove like Michael Jackson's. Today, we are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and The Bangles perfectly and have no idea why. We recite lines with the Ghostbusters and still look to The Goonies for a great adventure. We flip through T.V. stations and stop at The A Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh with The Cosby Show and Family Ties and Punky Brewster and what you talkin' 'bout Willis? We hold strong affections for The Muppets and The GUMMY BEARS and why did they take the Smurfs off the air? After school specials were only about cigarettes and step-families. The Pokka Dot Door was nothing like Barney, and aren't the Power Rangers just Voltron reincarnated? We are the ones who stNancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Clearly and Judy Blume, Richard Scary and the Electric Company. Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins went on shoes; preferably hightop Velcro Reebox - and pegged jeans were in, as were Units belts and layered socks and jean jackets and jams and charm necklaces and side pony tails and just tails. Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands made you cool. The backdoor was always open and Mom served only red Kool-Aid to the neighborhood kids- never drank New Coke. Entertainment was cheap and lasted for hours. All you needed to be a princess was high heels and an apron; the Sit'n'Spin always made you dizzy but never made you stop; Pogoballs were dangerous weapons and Chinese Jump Ropes never failed to trip someone. In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman or Spider Man or R2D2 and in your treehouse you were king. In the Eighties, nothing was wrong. Did you know the president was shot? Star Wars was not only a movie. Did you ever play in a bomb shelter? Did you see the Challenger explode or feed the homeless man? We forgot Vietnam and watched Tiananman's Square on CNN and bought pieces of the Berlin Wall at the store. AIDS was not the number one killer in the United States. We didn't start the fire, Billy Joel. In the Eighties, we redefined the American Dream, and those years defined us. We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and not turning our backs. The Eighties may have made us idealistic, but it's that idealism that will push us and be passed on to our children - the first children of the twenty-first century. Never forget: We are the children of the Eighties. If this is familiar, you are one of us... pass it on to all the others...
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


    A Case For The FBI
    The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
    "Hello, is this FBI?"
    "Yes. What do you want?"
    "I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding
    marijuana in his firewood."
    "This will be noted."

    Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They
    search the shed where the firewood is kept, break
    every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom
    and leave.

    The phone rings at Tom's house.
    "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
    "Did they chop your firewood?"
    "Yeah they did."
    "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my
    garden plowed."



    It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed. It was
    Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the
    Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the
    overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking
    all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin
    earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.

    Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN"T believe it! I've got to deliver
    millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my
    reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas
    tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't
    even back yet! What am I going to do?".

    Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy
    night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to
    stick the Christmas Tree this year???"

    And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas trees came to
    pass. . . .


    A Programmer's guide for Shoot_Self_in_Foot

    How To Determine Which Programming Language You're Using
    The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have stolen
    countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to remember
    which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public service to
    help programmers in such dilemmas.

    C: You shoot yourself in the foot.

    Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
    administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After a moment of
    contemplation, the administrator shoots himself in the foot and then hops
    around the room rabidly shooting at everyone in sight.

    APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you don't
    remember enough linear algebra to understand what the hell happened.

    C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them
    all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible since you
    can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others
    and saying, "that's me, over there."

    Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the United States
    Department of Defense will kidnap you, stand you up in front of a firing
    squad, and tell the soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."

    Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the
    language, you shoot yourself in the head.

    sh, csh, etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five
    hours reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer and
    switch to C.

    Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
    system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your workstation,
    and makes you develop in COBOL on a character terminal.

    FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of
    toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets,
    you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

    Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot. The
    program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to
    explain it to you.

    Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet,
    its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the
    gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.

    370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document
    explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot
    comes back deep-fried.

    Algol: You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
    aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the
    emergency room.

    COBOL: USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
    HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs to be retied.

    BASIC: Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue until
    entire lower body is waterlogged.

    PL/I: You consume all available system resources, including all the offline
    bullets, The Data Processing & Payroll Department doubles its size, triples
    its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and drops the original one on your

    SNOBOL: You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to be a
    bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then changes your hand/bullet
    into yet another foot (a left foot).

    lisp: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you
    shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
    yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself
    in the appendage which holds...

    scheme: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
    which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
    which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
    which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
    ...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.

    FORTH: begin gun foot shot bullets not or blood until

    English: You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.

    Apple: We'll let you shoot yourself, but it'll cost you a bundle.

    IBM: You insert a clip into the gun, wait half an hour, and it goes off in
    random directions. If a bullet hits your foot, you're lucky.

    Microsoft: Object "Foot" will be included in the next release. You can
    upgrade for $500.

    Microsoft: You can shoot yourself in the foot, but the method is buried in
    the docs somewhere.

    Cray: I knew you were going to shoot yourself in the foot.

    Hewlett-Packard: You can use this machine-gun to shoot yourself in the foot,
    but the firing pin is broken.

    NeXT: We don't sell guns anymore, just ammunition.

    SCO Open Desktop SCOPaint: You shoot yourself in the foot with a popgun.

    Sun: Just as soon as Solaris gets here, you can shoot yourself anywhere you


    There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep
    their evil ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and
    appeared to be perfect Christians.

    Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could the new
    pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and
    true, and the church membershhip grew in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was
    started to build a new assembly.

    All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out
    the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the
    amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

    I have only one condition," he said. "At the funeral, you must say my brother
    was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check.

    The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil
    man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on
    like this, he finally concluded, "but, compared to his brother, he was a


    A Soap Misunderstanding
    Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
    hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this
    to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.


    Dear Maid,

    Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
    since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened
    little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
    shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,

    S. Berman


    Dear Room 635,

    I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day
    off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
    The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
    Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3
    bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3
    soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

    Relief Maid


    Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.

    Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little
    bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3
    little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here
    in the hotel for two wee ks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't
    need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when
    shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

    S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,

    My day off was last Wed, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are
    instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on
    the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial
    in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3
    complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for
    all new checkins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
    Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

    Your regular maid,



    Dear Mr. Berman,

    The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called
    him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have
    assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any
    past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I
    can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
    Thank you.

    Elaine Carmen


    Dear Miss Carmen,

    It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business
    at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called
    Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr.
    Kensedder if he could do anythin g about those little bars of soap. The new
    maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she
    left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her
    regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 day s here I have
    accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

    S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,

    Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
    and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call
    extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,

    Elaine Carmen,


    Dear Mr. Kensedder,

    My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
    including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call
    the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

    S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,

    I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I
    cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
    instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
    situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the

    Martin L. Kensedder
    Assistant Manager


    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night
    and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I
    want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap
    in here. All I want is my ba th size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size

    S. Berman


    Dear Mr. Berman,

    You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you
    complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally
    returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are
    supposed to receive daily (s ic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere
    Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps
    so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you
    got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath
    size Ivory which I left in your room.

    Elaine Carmen


    Dear Mrs. Carmen,

    Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of
    today I possess:

    On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
    On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
    On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size
    Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
    Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
    In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
    On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
    On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
    Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly
    piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a
    tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and
    will make an excellen t spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I
    have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel
    vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

    S. Berman



    Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon
    high near 190 F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
    the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

    During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
    slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on
    plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce
    creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

    A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
    area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
    the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of
    34 F in the refrigerator.

    Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
    be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
    percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
    trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
    as the only wish left will be the bone.



    Skinny people piss me off! Especially when the say things like,
    "You know sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I have forgotten my
    address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never
    forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to
    forget to eat.

    A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control
    pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

    They ;keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine
    isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day
    after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go th the six o'clock
    class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen
    bitch. . . do it and die."

    The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about
    nothing (and then they marry him.)

    I( read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are
    eating too much, smokingtoo much, impulse buying, and driving too
    fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

    I know what Victoria's secret is. The secret is that nobody
    older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

    "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
    How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around
    your neck?"

    Send this to five bright, cheery women you know and make their

    Well, I don't know about cheery, but you'll certainly make their



    A is for ASSHOLE, you know, that word I shout at him as I
    drive by.

    B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things
    between them do work out. I can't think of two better
    losers to get off the streets.

    C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.

    C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you
    can shovel the walk."

    D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

    E is for Eating like a pig. God, does he always have to
    know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?

    F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it
    is, that's why it's on the list.

    F is for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.

    G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also
    who wears perfume like mine.

    H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.

    I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.

    J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight,
    because I won't do it for him.

    K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering
    down his tongue and on my face.

    L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists
    somewhere in fantasy land.

    M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.

    N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.

    O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"

    P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard
    because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.

    Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote.
    (See F and O)

    R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all
    holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

    S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget

    S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I
    remember the previous S.

    T is for torture. Where do I start?

    U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that fucking
    asshole is an understatement.

    V is for vermin--most of his family.

    W stands for whine, need I say more.

    X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.

    Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.

    Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip, that's what I got
    from him.



    * Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old
    man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two
    $16 bills.

    * The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on
    nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone
    detonating one within city limits.

    * A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in
    St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene,
    fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun
    to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

    * A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few
    days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial
    for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His
    girlfriend needed, so she had him paged by the
    bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and
    arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a
    car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

    * When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan,
    refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber,
    the man threatened to call the police. They still
    refused, so the robber called the police and was


    Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he
    had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided
    to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that
    one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand
    up while urinating.

    "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found
    under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you
    wanted the ability".

    Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to!
    Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so
    great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the
    animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I
    could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me
    who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

    On and on he went, like an excited little boy who...well...had to
    pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted
    that so badly, that he should have it. it seemed to be the sort of
    thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind
    if Adam were the one given this ability.

    And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of
    his micturition while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he
    celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him,
    laughing with delight all
    the while.

    And it was good."Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of
    leftover gifts, "What's left in here?" "Oh yes," he said,
    "Multiple orgasms..."


    A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
    day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her
    house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
    Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awaking around
    eight p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
    to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and

    Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes
    and drove home.

    "Where have you been?"demanded his wife when he entered
    the house.

    "Darling", replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having
    an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all
    afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

    The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying
    bastard! You've been playing golf!"



    Can we count them with our nose?
    Can we count them with our toes?
    Should we count them with a band?
    Should we count them all by hand?
    If I do not like the count,
    I will simply throw them out!
    I will not let
    this vote count stand.
    I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
    Can we change these numbers here?
    Can we change them, calm my fears?
    What do you mean, Dubya has won?
    This is not fair, this is not fun.
    Lets count them upside
    down this time.
    Lets count until the state is mine!
    I will not let this VOTE count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
    I'm really ticked; I'm in a snit!
    You have not heard the last of it!
    I'll count the ballots one by one
    And hold each one up to the sun!
    I'll count, recount, and count some more!
    You'll grow to hate this little chore.
    But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
    I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
    I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here
    I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
    Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,
    all telling me that I should sue!
    We find the Electoral College vile!
    RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
    We do not want this vote to stand!
    We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
    How shall we count this ballot box?
    Let's count it standing in our socks!
    Shall we count this one in a tree?
    And who shall count it, you or me?
    We cannot, cannot count enough!
    We must not stop, we must be tough!
    I do not want this vote to stand!
    I do not like it AL GORE I am!
    I've counted till my fingers bleed
    And still can't fulfill my counting need.
    I'll count the tiles on the floor.
    I'll count, and count, and count some more.
    And I will not say that I am done
    Until the counting says I've won!
    I will not let this vote count stand!
    I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
    What's that?
    What? What are you trying to say?
    You think the current count should stay?
    You do not like my counting scheme?
    It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
    Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
    You're only care should be for me!



    Last name: _________________
    First name:
    (Check appropriate box)
    [_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
    [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
    [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
    [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
    [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
    [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

    Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)

    Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure

    Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right

    [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
    [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
    [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician

    Spouse's Name_________________________
    2nd Spouse's Name: _________________
    3rd Spouse's Name: _________________

    Lover's Name: ________________________
    2nd Lover's Name: ___________________

    Relationship to spouse:
    [_] Sister [_] Aunt
    [_] Brother [_] Uncle
    [_] Mother [_] Son
    [_] Father [_] Daughter
    [_] Cousin [_] Pet

    Number of children living in household: _____
    Number of children living in shed: _____
    Number that are yours: _____

    Mother's Name: ___________________
    Father's Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

    Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

    Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
    ___ Total number of vehicles that you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

    Where your firearms are kept:
    [_] truck [_] kitchen
    [_] bedroom [_] bathroom
    [_] shed

    Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_

    Do you have a gun rack?
    [_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:

    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    [_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
    [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
    [_] Rifle and Shotgun

    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

    How often do you bathe:
    [_] Weekly
    [_] Monthly
    [_] Not applicable

    Color of teeth:
    [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
    [_] Brown [_] Black
    [_] N/A
    How many?_____

    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man

    How far is your home from a paved road?
    [_] 200-400 miles
    [_] over 400 miles
    [_] what's a miles?


    A parody of Justin.. orginal song is "AllStar" by Smashmouth.
    From Flag786

    Somebody once told me da world is gonna love me
    I'd have da finest girls and a Benz
    But she was looking kinda dumb when she posed in Rolling Stone
    With less clothes than could cover her forehead

    Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
    Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
    Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
    Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
    So much baby blue, so much for me
    So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
    Ya'll musta never seen mah show
    Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro

    Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
    Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
    Those other four need to be told
    Only ass like dis, gets seats sold

    Ah'm a rude boy, got a chip on my shoulder
    And I got the cute face cuz the rest are all older
    Don't even try to step and beg to differ
    Judging by the signs chick hold wit mah picture
    The hair ah've got is far from bein thin
    But choo all like my fro so it's stayin' like it is
    Mah world's on fire, how about yours?
    Cuz that's the way ah like it when ah'm gettin all the whores

    Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
    Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
    Those other four need to be told
    Only ass like dis....

    Somebody once asked could I spare some change perhaps
    They want to get a necklace big as they face
    I said NOPE, but what a concept, I could use some tacky jewels myself
    Say JRT cause you all know mah name

    Well, da hos start comin' and dey don't stop comin'
    Look in da mirror and it's me I'm lovin'
    Didn't make sense just to sing for fun,
    Your pockets get fat but your head gets dumb
    So much baby blue, so much for me
    So why some of ya'll still like the Backstreets?
    Ya'll musta never seen mah show
    Ya'll never laid eyes on dis fine bro

    Hey now, ah'm an All Star, get mah mack on, all day
    Hey now, ah'm a Pop Star, get mah show on, get paid,
    Those other four need to be told
    Only ass like dis gets seats sold
    Those other four need to be told
    Only ass like dis gets seats sold


    All in a days work

    Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, "I'm tired,
    and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed." She went to the
    kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed
    out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper
    the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the
    sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table, and started
    the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

    She, then, put some wet clothes into the dryer, put a load of
    clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt, and secured a loose
    button. She picked upthe newspapers strewn on the floor, picked
    up the game pieces left on the table, and put the phone book
    back into the drawer. She watered the plants,emptied a
    wastebasket, and hung up a towel to dry.

    She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She
    stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out
    some cash for the field trip, and pulled a schoolbook out from
    hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend,
    addressed and stamped the envelope, and wrote a quick list for
    the grocery store. She put both near her purse. She then, washed
    her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth.

    Hubby called, "I thought you were going to bed."

    "I'm on my way," she said. She put some water into the dog's
    dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were
    locked. She looked in on each of The kids. She turned off a
    bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the
    hamper, and had a brief conversation with the one child who was
    still awake doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm,
    laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.
    She added three things to her list of things to do for tomorrow.

    About that time, hubby turned off the TV and announced, to no
    one in particular, "I'm going to bed," and...he did.

    In celebration of Women's History Month, please send this to 5


    Isn't it amazing how God works in our lives! On a Saturday night several weeks ago, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn't answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn't answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes. When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn't answered before, and she said that it hadn't rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

    The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he'd used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he'd called on Saturday night. The pastor couldn't figure out what the man was talking about. Then the man said, "It rang and rang, but I didn't answer."

    The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he'd intended to call his wife.

    The man said, "That's OK. Let me tell you my story.

    "You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, 'God if you're there, and you don't want me to do this, give me a sign now.'

    "At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, 'Almighty God'. I was afraid to answer!"

    The reason why it showed on the man's caller ID that the call came from "Almighty God" is because the church that the pastor attends is called Almighty God Tabernacle!!

    If you believe that God answers prayers then pass this on.

    God bless,


    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie
    farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan
    says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

    Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of
    cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice
    as large as your cows."

    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of
    kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

    The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have grasshoppers in


    Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

    About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

    Dear Momma,

    I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Love, Anthony

    Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:

    Dear Son,

    I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Love, Momma

    Lesson: Never lie to your Momma


    An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
    rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
    exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
    waste or is deadly at Scrabble.

    Dormitory Dirty Room

    Evangelist Evil's Agent

    Desperation A Rope Ends It

    The Morse Code Here Come Dots

    Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em

    Animosity Is No Amity

    Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :)

    Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's

    Alec Guinness Genuine Class

    Semolina Is No Meal

    A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place

    The Earthquakes That Queer Shake

    Eleven plus two Twelve plus one

    Contradiction Accord not in it

    The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

    This one's amazing: [From Hamlet by Shakespeare]

    To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
    in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
    fortune. =
    In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent
    hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.


    George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

    George Bush = He bugs Gore

    Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord (or Insane Anglo

    Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

    Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone

    Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

    The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty

    And the grand finale:
    "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
    --Neil A. Armstrong
    = A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
    moon! On to Mars!



    Genesis 1

    In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004
    B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was
    Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
    verily, he had a Big Job to do.

    And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
    limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus
    skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux.
    And that was that, for the first Work Day.

    And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
    wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth;
    and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too
    deep. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And
    the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.

    And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that.
    And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in
    the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas
    put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and
    other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them
    Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
    from the dry land,called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
    nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day;
    which he called Wednesday.

    And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can
    think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or
    claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate
    species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth
    brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without
    backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs
    and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be
    fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.

    And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
    exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what
    it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
    amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and
    some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took
    the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he
    them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not
    madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
    And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created
    carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day
    which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.

    And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall
    and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
    resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
    added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and
    every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image;
    tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the

    And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon
    the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to
    every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green
    herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But hey shall be for you. And the Lord
    God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin
    and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.

    And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and
    God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With
    a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening
    of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's
    Friday. And God made the weekend.


    Angels, Once in a While

    In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry
    babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone.
    The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister
    was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence
    they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel
    driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

    He did manage to leave 15 dollars a week to buy groceries. Now
    that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings,
    but no food either. If there was welfare system in effect in
    southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

    I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on
    my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51
    Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every
    factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck. The
    kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I
    tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to
    learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck.

    The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an
    old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck
    stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny
    owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to
    time to check on all those kids. She needed someone on the
    graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid
    65 cents an hour and I could start that night.

    I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-
    sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my
    sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on
    and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good
    arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

    That night when me and the little ones knelt to say our prayers
    we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started
    at the Big Wheel. When I got home in the mornings I woke the
    baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip
    money - fully half of what I averaged every night.

    As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my
    meager wage. The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of
    penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on
    the way to work and again every morning before I could go

    One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home
    and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no
    note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels
    take up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the
    owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting
    the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me
    a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

    I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't
    enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no
    money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started
    repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the
    basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on
    Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing
    patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would
    be too far gone to repair.

    On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in
    the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim,
    and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging
    around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the
    pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked
    through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home
    before the sun came up.

    When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on
    Christmas morning I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids
    wouldn't wake up before I managed to get home and get the
    presents from the basement and place them under the tree. (We
    had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by
    the dump.)

    It was still dark and I couldn't see much, but there appeared to be
    some dark shadows in the car - or was that just a trick of the
    night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to
    tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the
    side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old
    battered Chevy was full - full to the top with boxes of all shapes
    and sizes.

    I quickly opened the driver's side door, scrambled inside and
    kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled
    off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue
    jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of
    shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the
    other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of
    groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned
    vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and
    cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry
    supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and
    one beautiful little doll.

    As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on
    the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with
    gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little
    ones that precious morning. Yes, there were angels in Indiana
    that long-ago in December. And they all hung out at the Big
    Wheel truck stop.

    I BELIEVE IN ANGELS! They live next door, around the
    corner, work in your office, patrol your neighborhood, call you
    at midnight to hear you laugh and listen to you cry, teach your
    children, and you see them everyday without even knowing it!.
    Send this to someone you think is an angel!


    Answering Machine Messages
    Please feel free to try these

    Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company,
    I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money.
    If you are my Financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
    If you are my friends, you owe me money.
    If you are a female, don't worry I have plenty of money.

    Hi. John's answering machine is broken. This is the refrigerator.
    Please speak very slowly,
    and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

    Hello, you are talking to a machine.
    I am capable of receiving messages.
    My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub,
    and their carpets are clean.
    They give to charity through their office and do not need their
    icture taken.
    If you're still with me,
    leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

    This is not an answering machine
    this is a telepathic thought recording device.
    After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling
    and a number where I can reach you,
    and I'll think about returning your call.

    Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
    Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

    Hi, this is George.
    I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.
    Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

    If you are a burglar,
    then we're probably home cleaning our weapons right now
    and can't come to the phone.
    Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

    Please leave a message.
    However, you have the right to remain silent.
    Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

    Hello, you've reached Jim & Sonya.
    We can't pick up the phone right now because
    we're doing something we really enjoy.
    Sonya likes doing it up & down, and I like doing it left to right
    .......real slow.........So leave a message,
    and when we get done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

    My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
    your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

    A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're
    not here. So leave a message.


    If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-side down. If
    a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering place, it will land on
    its feet. With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up,
    to a cat's back and toss them both out the window, will the cat land on its feet?
    Or will the butter splat on the ground?

    In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be
    able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the
    butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics
    demand that the cat can not land on its furry back. If the combined construct
    were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore, they
    simply do not fall.

    That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have
    discovered the secret of antigravity!

    To expand on this theory, a buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a
    height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.

    This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter,
    providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

    Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this principle to drive
    their space ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by
    most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. Larger
    craft use the Mancoon breed and a long ways sliced sourdough loaf.

    The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their
    backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you all know, happened in Roswell
    50 years ago. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't
    do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several
    tons of red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.


    1. Name_________________________ Date of Birth____________

    2. Height _________ Weight________ IQ________ GPA________

    3. Social Security # ______________ Driver's licence #__________

    4. Boy Scout Rank_____________________________________

    5. Home Address_____________ City/State ____________ Zip____

    6. Do you have one male and one female parent? ____________ If no, explain answer _________________________________

    7. Number of years parents married ________________________

    8. Do you own a van? _______ A truck with oversized tires?______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? _______ Do you have a tattoo?_________ (if yes to any of #8, discontinue application and leave the premises)

    9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you? ____________ ____________________________________________________.

    10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER!" mean to you? __________________________________________________________.

    11. Church you attend _______________ How often do you attend? _______________________

    12. When is the best time to interview you father, mother, and bishop? Father ____________ Mother___________ Bishop__________

    13. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer all questions freely, all answers are confidential (that means I won't tell anyone ever- -promise) A. If I were shot, the last place I would want to be wounded is in the __________________ B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broke is my ____________ C. A woman's place is in the _________________________ D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is __________________________________________________ E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is ______________

    14. What do you want to be "if" you grow up? ________________

    15. Are you willing to wear an electronic tracking device? _______

    I swear all information supplied above is true and correct to the best of my knowledge under penalty of death, dismemberment, crucifixion, electrocution, chinese water torture, and red hot pokers.

    Signature ________________________

    Thank-you for you interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch you back).


    Greetings prospective White House interns!

    This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best
    and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We
    expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

    Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet
    rewarding program? Check this out:

    * Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest
    city in the world!
    * Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
    * See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
    * Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
    Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

    "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and
    fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in
    executive branch affairs is just fantastic." - M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

    As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates
    and touchy national issues.

    Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White
    House at

    Sex: F__ Age:
    Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
    How many beers it takes to get you:
    ...To lie to a federal prosecutor:

    Quick quiz:
    You've always considered the White House:
    a) a monument to democracy
    b) the place where great leaders meet
    c) vaguely erotic
    d) extremely erotic

    Hillary Clinton is a(n):
    a) model wife and mother
    b) icon of late 20th century femininity
    c) an obstacle
    d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

    You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
    a) MidEast policies
    b) childhood in Hope, Ark
    c) romper room
    d) "monument to democracy"

    My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
    a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
    b) reading, study
    c) late nights working at the White House
    d) late nights working the White House

    Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can
    start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam (and Uncle
    Bill) wants you.

    *Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be
    interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity abuser.



    Name:________ Nickname: Bubba_______ Skeeter_______ Other____

    Can you sign and spell your name correctly? Sometimes______ Never_____

    Current Addess:________________ Number of Months Behind on Rent:_______

    Neck Shade: Light Red_____ Medium Red_____ Dark Red_____ Peeling_____

    Number of Teeth in full grin: 1___ 2___ 3___ More?_______

    Approximate size and weight of beer belly:___________ Brand of Beer____

    Brand of Chewing Tobacco:_________ Brand of Snuff:______________

    Make of Pick-up truck:________ Size of Tires:________ 4 Wheel Drive?__

    Number of Months Behind on Payments:__________ Does it have doors?_____

    Altitude of Running Boards: 3'______ 6'______ 12'______ 16'______

    Number of Empty Beer Cans Under the Seat:________ Broken Windows?_______

    Is Truck Appropriately Equipped with the following?

    -- 8 track Hank Williams tapes: __________
    -- Pit bull: __________
    -- Air Horns: __________
    -- Roll Bar: __________
    -- Steer Horns on hood: __________
    -- Musical horn that plays "Dixie" __________
    -- "David Duke For President" bumber sticker __________
    -- "BOCEHPUS" bumper sticker __________
    -- Red Man chewing tobacco bumper sticker __________
    -- I love grits bumper sticker __________
    -- "America, Love it or Leave it" bumper sticker __________
    -- Desert Srorm bumper sticker __________
    -- 12 foot CB antenna __________
    -- Illegaly altered 1 gigawatt CB transmitter __________
    -- Spitoon __________
    -- Mudflaps __________
    -- Curb Feelers __________
    -- Shot Guns in back window __________

    How many of the following items are in your front yard: (working or not)

    -- Gardens made of old tires (tractor or truck) __________
    -- Trucks or cars __________
    -- Chickens or goats __________
    -- Household appliances __________
    -- Old Trailers __________
    -- Bath Tubs __________
    -- TV sets __________

    Describe your last Elvis sighting:________________________________

    Have you ever taken a date to a tractor pull?___ Hog calling contest?___

    Do you own any of the following? Fertilizer hat?____ Feed hat?_______

    Shoes?______ Belt buckles that way more than three pounds?_____________

    If so: Have you worn them to Funerals_____ Weddings______ Church_______

    Job Interviews________ Fancy restaurants like Dennys's?__________

    Do you bathe with: Soap_______ Relatives________ Small animals_______

    How often? Weekly______ Monthly______ Once a year_____ Twice a year____

    Have you ever been shot at by: Ay-rabs___ Gooks___ Angry Husbands______

    Wives_____ Fathers-in-law______ Mothers-in-law________ The Law_______

    Does your wife weigh more than or less than: Your guitar___ Your truck__

    Have you seen her in the past: Two weeks____ Two months____ Two years__

    Have you seen her when she wasn't: Pregnant____ Barefoot____ Mad______

    Have you ever stayed sober for a whole weekend:_____________

    If you have had someone read all the above questions to you and you have
    completely understood them then place an "X" on the line below.


    Witness Signature________________________________


    Now you too can be a Spice Girl (I know you've been wanting to apply...)
    Real Age:

    1) How would you best describe yourself?
    [ ] An energetic self-starter
    [ ] A team player
    [ ] A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

    2) Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?

    3) Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?
    [ ] Yes [ ] No

    4) "I am willing to trade sexual favours for a careeer in the music industry."
    [ ] Yes [ ] No

    5) How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

    6) Does nudity bother you? If so, please give three excuses for your portfolio.

    7) Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behaviouralist psychology. Just kidding! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

    8) Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
    [ ] Yes [ ] No

    9) Choose an appropriate nickname:
    [ ] Sexy
    [ ] Nasty
    [ ] Sweetie
    [ ] Lardy
    [ ] Sickly
    [ ] Sporty
    [ ] Slappy

    10) Choose an appropriate image:
    [ ]Cute blonde appeals to pedophiles
    [ ] Tub of lard
    [ ] Bloke in a track suit
    [ ] Vacant stare, no discernable brain activity
    [ ] Terrifying to small children and old men
    [ ] All of the above

    11) Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?
    [ ] Yes [ ] No

    12) If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers, and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

    13) If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
    [ ] Yes [ ] No

    14) In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.

    "It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." --Arthur C. Clarke


    Are U from OHIO?

    See how many of the following you relate to:

    You don't think of Florida first when someone
    mentions Miami.

    You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you
    think of the State Hospital.

    Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!

    You've heard of 3.2% beer.

    You're proud of your state fair, but would rather
    go to Cedar Point.

    You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter,
    Almost Winter, and Construction.

    You live less than 30 miles from some college or

    You know what a buckeye really is, and have a
    recipe for candy ones.

    "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the
    river" means "south."

    You know if other Ohioians are from southern or
    northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.

    You root for a college team though you've never
    taken a class there.

    You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy,
    Bellefontaine,and Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta,
    and you know which "N" is doubled in "Cincinnati."

    You always visit more than two amusement parks in
    one summer.

    You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by

    "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or
    King's Island.

    You measure distance in minutes.

    Down south to you means Kentucky.

    You end your sentences with an unnecessary
    preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"

    You install security lights on your house and
    garage and leave both unlocked.

    You know what pop is.

    You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over
    a snowsuit.

    Driving is better in the winter because the
    potholes are filled with snow.

    You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel

    The local paper covers national and international
    headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

    You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the
    most popular band in the country.

    You actually get these jokes!

    Forward 'em to all your OHIO friends!!


    Are You Having a Bad Day?

    1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from the onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

    2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her with an ax, leaving her with permanent severe brain damage.

    3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

    4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to the slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

    AND THE WINNER IS.......

    5. An Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the explosion.

    See... You're not having such a bad day.


    By now, everyone has heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-
    security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area
    51." Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
    were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret"
    base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the
    pilot into an interrogation room.

    The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and
    spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The
    Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and
    held him overnight during the investigation.

    By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
    really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane,
    gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing,
    complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison,
    told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading,
    and sent him on his way.

    The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
    Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the
    plane . . . only this time there were two people in the plane.

    The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
    me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where
    I was last night!"



    1. He never got married.
    2. He never held a steady job.
    3. His last request was a drink.


    1. His first name was Jesus.
    2. He was always in trouble with the law.
    3. His mother didn't know who his father was.


    1. He talked with his hands.
    2. He had wine with every meal.
    3. He worked in the building trades.


    1. He called everybody brother.
    2. He had no permanent address.
    3. Nobody would hire him.


    1. He never cut his hair.
    2. He walked around barefoot.
    3. He invented a new religion.


    1. He went into his father's business.
    2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
    3. He was sure his mother was a virgin,
    and his mother was sure He was God


    Facts about Americans. Did you know that........

    -only 30% of us can flare our nostrils

    -21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.

    -Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their
    husbands to do it correctly.

    -40% of women have hurled footwear at a man

    -85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear

    -67.5% of men were tightie whities (briefs)

    -the average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a

    -85% of women wear the wrong bra size

    -3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with
    singles leading up to higher denominations

    -13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework

    -91% of us lie regularly

    -27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz

    -29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store

    -50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to
    avoid the high prices of snack foods

    -90% believe in divine retribution

    -10% believe in the 10 Commandments

    -82% believe in an afterlife

    -45% believe in ghosts

    -13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail

    -29% of us are virgins when we marry

    -58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't

    -10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item

    -Over 50% believe in spanking---but only a child over 2 years

    -35% give to charity at least once a month

    -How far would you go for $10 million?

    -25% would abandon their friends, family, and church

    -7% would murder

    -69% eat the cake before the frosting

    -When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton

    -85% of us will eat Spam this year

    -70% of us drink orange juice daily

    -Snickers is the most popular candy

    -22% of us skip lunch daily

    -9% of us skip breakfast daily

    -66% of us eat cereal regularly

    -22% of all restaurant meals include french fries

    -14% of us eat the watermelon seeds

    -only 13% brush our teeth from side to side

    -45% use mouthwash every day

    -22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink

    -the typical shower is 101 degrees F

    -Nearly 1/3 of U.S. women color their hair

    -9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery

    -53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on

    -58% of women paint their nails regularly

    -62% of us pop our zits

    -33% of women lie about their weight

    -10% of us claim to have seen a ghost

    -57% have had deja vu

    -49% believe in ESP

    -4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids

    -the average girl starts her period at age 12

    -44% have broken a bone

    -only 30% of us know our cholesterol level

    -14% have attended a self-help meeting

    -15% regularly go to a shrink

    -78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home

    -46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've
    used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up

    -30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat

    -54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet

    -23.5% admit they don't always flush

    -45.2% pee in the shower

    -44.9% pee in the ocean

    -28.1% pee in the pool

    -55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're
    using the toilet

    -39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been
    caught by the host.

    -81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants

    -29% of us ignore RSVP

    -71.6% of us eavesdrop

    -22% are functionally illiterate

    -less than 10% are trilingual

    -37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR

    -53% prefer ATM machines over tellers

    -56% of women do the bills in a marriage

    -2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night
    for a million bucks

    -20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life

    -40% of us have had music lessons

    -44% reuse tinfoil

    -57% save pretty gift paper to reuse

    -66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken
    credit for doing it from scratch

    -53% read their horoscopes regularly

    -16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly

    -59% of us say we're average-looking -blacks are more than twice
    as likely to call themselves beautiful

    -90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us

    -53% of us would take advice from Anne Landers

    -28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.

    -51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity -on average,
    we send 38 Christmas cards every year

    -20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends

    -2 out of 5 have married their first love

    -the biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money

    -only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand

    -1 in 5 men proposed on his knees

    -6% propose over the phone

    -71% can drive a stick-shift car

    -45% of us consistently follow the speed limit

    -2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light

    -1/3 of us don't wear seat belts

    -12% of men never use their car blinkers



    You won't believe what I came across today while I was
    searching for clip art. I found a site that has all of the
    driver's license photos, old and new, from every Department
    of Motor Vehicles database in the United States. It's really

    The company, AsWeSeeIt, won a favorable court ruling in their
    battle with the Freedom of Information Commission which gave
    them the right to post our pictures on the Internet. TALK

    Go to the AsWeSeeIt site, and search for your license photo,
    and check it out. It's really neat!

    Here's the address:

    Take a look.


    We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," 
     where:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are 
     represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass 
     Here goes: 
     (_!_) a regular ass 
     (__!__) a fat ass 
     (!) a tight ass 
     (_._) a flat ass 
     (_^^^^_) a bubble ass 
     (_*_) a sore ass 
     (_!__) a lop-sided ass 
     {_!_} a swishy ass 
     (_o_) an ass that's been around 
     (_O_) an ass that's been around even more 
     (_x_) kiss my ass 
     (_X_) leave my ass alone 
     (_zzz_) a tired ass 
     (_o^^^^o_) a wise ass 
     (_13_) an unlucky ass 
     (_$_) Money coming out of his butt
     (_?_) Dumb butt

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background
    checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists,
    two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
    door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
    instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room,
    you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!

    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The
    agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man
    was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
    All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in
    his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't
    have what it takes, Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
    kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
    heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
    on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
    from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with
    blanks I had to beat him to death with the chair."


    Assorted thoughts

    1. I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
    2. I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
    3. Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
    4. My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
    5. I cleaned my house yesterday. Sure wish you could have seen it.
    6. This isn't clutter; these are my antiques!
    7. Discover wildlife! Have kids!
    8. Our policy is to always blame the computer.
    9. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
    10. Take my advice. I'm not using it!
    11. Mom, I'll always love you, but I'll never forgive you for cleaning my face with spit on a hanky.
    12. By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence!
    13. This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.
    14. Every time I get the urge to exercise, I lie down till the feeling passes.


    There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just
    looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next
    to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks
    it all down.

    The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
    "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you
    another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

    "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my
    life. First, I overslept and late to an important
    meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

    When I left the building to my car, I found out it
    was stolen. The police, they said they could do
    nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid
    the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I
    left my whole wallet in the cab.

    I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the
    gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when
    I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you
    show up and drink my poison ..."


    Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma
    for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
    every single day. When he came to, he motioned for
    her to come nearer.

    As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have
    been with me all through the bad times. When I got
    fired, you were there to support me. When my business
    failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by
    my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
    When my health started failing, you were still by my
    side... You know what?"

    "What dear?" She asks gently.

    "I think you bring me bad luck."


    Bad Pick-up Lines

    I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye,
    run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

    Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I

    Can I borrow that quarter, 'cause my mom told me to call home
    when I fell in love

    What's wrong? You're looking a little sad and gloomy. What you
    need is some vitamin me.

    Are your legs tired? 'cause you been running through my mind
    ALL day long.

    Are you lost? 'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from

    Is your father a thief? 'cause he stole the sparkle from the stars,
    and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared
    with a snappy answer just in case she says 'yes')

    Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you

    What's that in your eye?'s a sparkle.

    If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil

    Can I see that lable? I just wanted to know if you were made in

    Do you like raisins? How about a date?

    So... How am I doin'?

    I miss my teddy bear...Would you sleep with me?

    You look great and all, but do you know what'd really look good
    on you? Me.

    Could I get some directions? ("To where?") To your heart.

    Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

    If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against

    Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

    Can I flirt with you?

    Hi, my name's _____, but you can call me "lover".

    (another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? 'cause I just
    want to call your mother and thank her.

    (lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you
    out of those wet clothes.

    What do you like for breakfast?

    Say, did we go to different schools together?

    Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

    (At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

    Woman asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
    You : "Do you have the energy?"

    You look like the type of girl that's heard every line in the book.
    So what's one more?

    Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    I'm new in town...could you give me directions to your

    I think you're the most beautiful girl I've seen...on a Wednesday

    I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a
    line? Are you disappointed?

    I know I don't look like much now, but I'm drinking milk.

    Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

    Are you religious? Good, cause I'm here to answer your prayers.

    Do you have a boyfriend?

    Well, when you want a MANfriend, come talk to me

    Want one?

    Why don't you drop the zero and get with the hero [BK: That
    sounds like Bluto from Popeye!]

    Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

    Inheriting 80 million doesn't mean much when you have a weak

    I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

    If your parents hadn't met, I'd be a very unhappy man right now.

    Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

    I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

    You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look
    that good.

    We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so
    why don't you just come along peacefully?

    I envy your lipstick.

    I just want to be loved - is that so wrong?

    You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi - I've just gotta have it.

    Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what I'm
    here after.

    If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.

    Baby, you look so sweet you're giving me a cavity.

    Is it me or am I gorgeous?

    I'd even marry your dog just to be related to you.


    This just in : NEW VIRUS WARNING

    If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately
    WITHOUT reading it. This is a very dangerous Email virus -- the most
    dangerous Email virus yet.

    IMPORTANT: It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will
    scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your
    refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It
    will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access
    code, screw up the tracking on your VCR, and use subspace field harmonics to
    scratch any CDs you try to play. It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new
    phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your
    beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming
    over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with
    your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

    Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you
    nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and
    your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your
    back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your
    grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it
    reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear. Badtimes
    will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the
    hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove
    the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk
    with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

    It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

    These are just a few signs.

    Be very, very afraid.


    Barbie's Letter to Santa
    Submitted by iVillagers Deb G., Melissa L., Betty H. & Spidermom

    Dear Santa,

    Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
    being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
    weather and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to
    break it to ya Santa, but it's definitely payback time! There had better be
    some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm going to call for a
    nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

    So, here's my holiday wish list for 1998, Santa.

    l. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm
    sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits
    gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro
    up your butt?

    2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What
    bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my
    skin? It looks like cellulite!

    3. A REAL man -- maybe GI Joe. I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that wimped-out
    excuse for a boy toy Ken. And, what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna
    have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

    4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away
    once he is anatomically correct.

    5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just
    get it done.

    6. A jog-bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

    7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
    a systems analyst? Or better yet, a public relations senior account exec!

    8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature
    container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
    "Animal Rights Barbie" with my very own paint gun, fitted with a fake fur
    coat, bottle of spray on blood and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie"
    sporting a Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

    9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

    10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years -- I think I deserve it.

    Okay, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I
    don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can
    find yourself a new doll next Christmas. It's that simple.

    Yours Truly,



    Finally a Barbie I can relate to! At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.

    These are a bit more realistic...

    1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors
    (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

    2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

    3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

    4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too-muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

    5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

    6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

    7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

    8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

    9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

    10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

    11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

    by Marion Abbott


    Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
    remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the
    dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to second base!"

    Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
    kissing? Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the bases tended to
    get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a person to do?

    Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
    sexual activity. But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
    todays day and age of sex play. So, in the interests of both bringing
    baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
    and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the

    First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

    First Base - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
    thought it meant holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and
    sometimes not.

    Second Base - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
    outside the clothes genital contact.

    Third Base - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your

    Home Run - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
    times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

    Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex
    drive. But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
    the equation, such as oral sex? And what about the exact definitions? Well
    we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
    further ado:

    Standardized Guide to the Bases!
    On Deck - Having plans for a date
    Strike-Out - Duh!!
    Walk - Kissing
    Bunt - Masturbation
    Single - Tongue kissing
    Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
    Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
    Inside the park home run - Oral Sex
    Home Run - SEX!
    Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom
    Error - Condom breaks during sex
    Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom
    Hall of Fame - Marriage
    Balk - Premature ejaculation
    Pine Tar - KY jelly
    Relief pitcher - Vibrator
    Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly\
    Box Seats - Waterbed
    Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
    Rookie - Virgin
    Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
    Minor Leagues - Under 18
    Loaded Bases - manage a trois
    Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours
    Foul tip - VD
    Three up and three down - impotency
    Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
    confusion with current clarity:

    OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
    past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her...

    NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got and inside the park
    home run, and started thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

    NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
    balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in a relief



    Smart man + smart woman = romance
    Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
    Dumb man + smart woman = affair
    Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit
    Smart boss + dumb employee = production
    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend.
    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand
    her at all.

    Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more
    willing to die.

    Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people
    remembering the same thing.

    Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
    Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

    A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after,
    well, that's the beginning of a new argument.

    There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before and after


    Bathroom Etiquette

    In the men's room, an accountant, a lawyer and a
    farmer were standing side by side using the urinal.

    The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing
    and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his
    elbows....he held about 20 paper towels before he
    finished. He turned to the other two men and
    commented, "I graduated from Harvard and they taught
    us to be sanitary."

    The lawyer finished, zipped up, went to the sink and
    quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one
    paper towel and commented, "I graduated from UC
    Berkeley and they taught us to be environmentally

    The farmer zipped up and as he was walking directly
    out the door said, "I graduated from WVU and they
    taught us not to piss on our fingers"


    An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend,
    for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."

    The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good,
    clean, spiritual life."

    The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"

    The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the
    bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."

    The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the
    bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?" "Yep," the old man said,
    "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

    Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in
    for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just
    want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but
    I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he
    gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."

    "Aha!" she exclaimed. "He's the one who's been pissin' in the refrigerator!"


    Battle Hymn of Term Finals
    (Sung to The Battle Hymn Of The Republic)

    Mine eyes have seen the horror
    Of the ending of the term
    It has poisoned all my spirits
    Like an apple with a worm
    It's infected all my freedom
    Like an ugly cancer germ
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

    I have listened to the teachers
    But the homework leaves me cold
    I have never done assignments
    Although many times been told
    I have even missed my classes
    When I was feeling bold
    The truth shall soon be known

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

    They are adding all my points up
    And I haven't earned but few
    In fact, I haven't even gotten
    More than one or two
    Oh, if I could only find an answer
    Anything to do
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

    On the lines of every gradebook
    There is solemn news for me
    The worst is yet to come when
    Financial Aid ignores my plea
    So I guess the only answer is
    To drop my books and flee
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth shall soon be known.

    Well, the end has finally come
    And I have failed to pass a class
    Though the fun and laughter, goofing off
    Was really quite a gas
    But I won't be in the numbers
    Of the capped and gowned mass
    The truth was finally shown.

    Chorus: Failure, failure, degradation,
    Failure, and humiliation,
    Failure, failure, academia,
    The truth was finally known.


    To be Thankful For.......

    ....the mess to clean after a party because it
    means I have been surrounded by friends.

    ....the taxes I pay because it means that I'm

    ....the clothes that fit a little too snug because
    it means I have enough to eat. shadow who watches me work because it means
    I am out in the sunshine.

    ....a lawn that needs mowing, windows that need
    cleaning and gutters that need fixing because it means
    I have a home.

    ....all the complaining I hear about our government
    because it means we have freedom of speech.

    .....the spot I find at the far end of the parking
    lot because it means I am capable of walking. huge heating bill because it means I am

    .....the lady behind me in church who sings off key
    because it means that I can hear.

    ....the piles of laundry and ironing because it
    means I have clothes to wear.

    .....weariness and aching muscles at the end of the
    day because it means I have been productive.

    ....the alarm that goes off in the early morning
    hours because it means that I'm alive.

    .....getting too much email bogs me down but at
    least I know I have friends who are thinking of me.


    Because you're my friend...

    When you are sad,.............I will get you drunk and help you plot
    revenge against the scum sucking
    bastard/bitch who made you sad.

    When you are scared,......... I will laugh at you and tease you about
    it every chance I get.

    When you are worried,.........I will tell you how much worse it could
    be and to quit complaining.

    When you are confused,........I will use little words to explain it to
    your dumb ass.

    When you are sick.........I will hold your hair while you pay homage to
    the porcelain God.

    When you fall......I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

    This is my oath...............I pledge till the end.
    Why you may ask?..............Because you're my friend.


    The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

    1.Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one
    club and two balls.

    2.Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

    3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
    keep the balls out.

    4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
    owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

    5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid
    damage to the hole.

    6.Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
    the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so
    may result in being denied permission to play again.

    7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately
    upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time
    to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well
    formed mounds and bunkers.

    8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played
    or are currently playing to the owner of the course
    being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players
    equipment for this reason.

    9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

    10.Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at
    all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the
    course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be
    extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will
    find alternate means of play when this is the case.

    11.Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled
    particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time.
    Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
    someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

    12.The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any
    bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

    13.Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before
    attempting to play the backside.

    14.Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to
    proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

    15.It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to
    play the same hole several times in one match.



    Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a woman.

    There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it appears in liquid form. - The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them.

    "Beer" is available virtually anywhere. All a women has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask him home for "no-strings-attached sex". Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.

    After several "beers" men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.

    Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before -- just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

    At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" -- apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. Forward this alert to every male you know..........

    However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims.

    For your nearest support group, look up "Taverns" in the yellow pages.


    A Tribute to Beer

    I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
    morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
    --Frank Sinatra

    The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're
    --William Butler Yeats

    Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
    to keep your mouth shut.
    --Ernest Hemingway

    You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
    --Dean Martin

    Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

    Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
    --Catherine Zandonella

    Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

    Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
    that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
    --Ross Levy

    Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

    Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
    of the time and have the time of your life.

    24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
    --Stephen Wright

    When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
    When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go
    to heaven Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
    -- Brian O'Rourke

    Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol
    has taken out of me.
    --Winston Churchill

    Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
    --Benjamin Franklin

    Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
    is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
    but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
    --Dave Barry

    I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
    --Homer Simpson

    I drink to make other people interesting.
    --George Jean Nathan



    13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think
    you are whispering when you are not.

    12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in
    dancing like an asshole.

    11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
    the same boring story over and over again until your friends want

    10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
    shings like thish.

    9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you
    to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to
    telephone them at 4 in the morning.

    8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you
    wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over
    in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or
    name you can't remember).

    6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
    inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
    you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big
    guy named Bubba.

    4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
    are invisible.

    3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
    are laughing WITH you.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
    time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of
    time may seem to literally disappear."

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy


    - that it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right
    through it

    - that I would change so much and barely realize it

    - that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways

    - that college kids throw airplanes, too

    - that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up

    - that every clock on campus shows a different time

    - that if you were smart in highschool - so what?

    - that I would go to a party the night before a final

    - that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together

    - that you can know everything and fail a test

    - that you can know nothing and ace a test

    - that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie

    - that home is a great place to visit

    - that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes

    - that friendship is more than getting drunk together

    - that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about

    - that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50

    - that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination

    - that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is
    really physics, and physics is really math

    - that it is a really good idea to go places alone

    - that it's possible to be alone even when you're surrounded by friends

    - that friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

    - don't be dismayed at goodbyes

    - a farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again, after moments
    or a lifetime, is certain for those who are friends.



    1. We got off the Titanic first.
    2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
    disorder excuses.
    3. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
    4. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
    5. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
    figure in a computer game. (The writer has obviously never
    seen some of the hot Anime guys on Cartoon Central. Rrrrr!)
    6. Taxis stop for us.
    7. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
    8. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies (you get the point).
    9. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
    10. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
    11. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
    12. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
    13. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her
    14. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
    privates are still there.
    15. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    16. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
    17. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
    picture them naked.
    18. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
    look like an idiot.
    19. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
    20. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
    21. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    22. We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonderbra.

    Send this to five bright women you know and make their day


    This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
    Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":

    1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
    2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
    3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
    4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
    5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
    6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just
    Remember It All
    7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
    8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
    9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
    10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
    11) Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount
    12) Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
    13) No, It Doesn't Hurt (on a "well-tattooed gentleman")
    14) (on the back of a passing motorcyclist) If You Can Read This, the
    Bitch Fell Off
    15) I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
    16) (Over the outline of the state of Minnesota) My Governor Can Beat Up
    Your Governor
    17) Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.
    18) What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It's All About
    19) I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
    20) (on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a
    $25,000 Cover Charge
    21) Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich
    22) Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
    23) Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
    24) IRS-Be Audit You Can Be
    25) Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
    26) If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
    27) Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
    28) The Old Pro...Often Wrong but Never Uncertain
    29) If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
    30) Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
    31) In America, Anyone Can Be President. That's One of the Risks You
    32) First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.


    Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a
    little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the
    newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What
    do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

    "A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy
    fell asleep.

    When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the
    Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I
    was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and
    the next thing I know is I'm here."

    Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What
    did you do to that naked fellow?"

    After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was
    playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck,
    cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."


    Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

    The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

    Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

    Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk.

    "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

    With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.

    The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

    Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, professor! You tell me!"



    It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey
    standing behind the Powerhouse On the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when
    I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to
    Crunch on my big Million Dollar Bar?"

    Well, she immediately went down on my TootsieRoll, and it was pure Almond
    Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds Because it was easy to see
    that this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the
    Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
    started to scream "Oh Henry!"

    Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long
    before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars and that gave her a taste of the old
    Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no
    kinky stuff."

    I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't
    you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Ho-ho and i'll give you a Bit
    'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh your
    Crackerjack tastes better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding
    Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.

    Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the Starburst!
    Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and comlained
    of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out
    popped......Baby Ruth!

    You must send this to 10 people. If you don't, you will never have good sex for
    the rest of your life! You must send this within 97 hours!


    Which tree does your birthday fall under?
    OR...which tree did you FALL out of?

    December 23 to January 1 ........... Apple Tree
    January 2 to January 11 .............Fir Tree
    January 12 to January 24 ........... Elm Tree
    January 25 to February 3 ........... Cypress Tree
    February 4 to February 8 ........... Poplar Tree
    February 9 to February 18 .......... Cedar Tree
    February 19 to February 28 ......... Pine Tree
    March 1 to March 10 ................ Weeping Willow Tree
    March 11 to March 20 ............... Lime Tree
    March 21 ........................... Oak Tree
    March 22 to March 31 ............... Hazelnut Tree
    April 1 to April 10 ................ Rowan Tree
    April 11 to April 20 ............... Maple Tree
    April 21 to April 30 ............... Walnut Tree
    May 1 to May 14 .................... Poplar Tree
    May 15 to May 24 ................... Chestnut Tree
    May 25 to June 3 ................... Ash Tree
    June 4 to June 13 .................. Hornbeam Tree
    June 14 to June 23 ................. Fig Tree
    June 24 ............................ Birch Tree
    June 25 to July 4 .................. Apple Tree
    July 5 to July 14 .................. Fir Tree
    July 15 to July 25 ................. Elm Tree
    July 26 to August 4 ................ Cypress Tree
    August 5 to August 13 .............. Poplar Tree
    August 14 to August 23 ............. Cedar Tree
    August 24 to September 2 ........... Pine Tree
    September 3 to September 12 ........ Weeping Willow Tree
    September 13 to September 22 ....... Lime Tree
    September 23 ....................... Olive Tree
    September 24 to October 3 .......... Hazelnut Tree
    October 4 to October 13 ............ Rowan Tree
    October 14 to October 23 ........... Maple Tree
    October 24 to November 11 .......... Walnut Tree
    November 12 to November 21 ......... Chestnut Tree
    November 22 to December 1 .......... Ash Tree
    December 2 to December 11 .......... Hornbeam Tree
    December 12 to December 21 ......... Fig Tree
    December 22 ........................ Beech Tree

    Of slight build, lots of charm, appeal and attraction, pleasant aura,
    flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be
    loved, faithful and tender
    partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree
    philosopher with

    Extraordinary taste, dignity, cultivated airs, loves anything beautiful,
    moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to it, rather
    modest, very
    ambitious, talented, industrious uncounted lover, many friends, many foes,
    very reliable.

    Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends to not forgive
    mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful
    partner, tends to a
    know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous,
    good sense of humor, practical.

    Strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, happy, content,
    optimistic, needs enough money and acknowledgement, hates loneliness,
    passionate lover
    which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic and

    Looks very decorative, no self-confident behaviour, only courageous if
    necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often
    lonely, great
    animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in
    any situation, takes partnership

    Of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the
    least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined,
    impatient, wants
    to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for
    the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

    Loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable,
    very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in
    love but its
    passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, many disappointments till it
    finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

    Beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathic, loves anything
    beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious,
    honest, can be
    influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers
    in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.

    Accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress and
    labour, tends to laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices
    for friends,
    many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and
    complaining, very jealous, loyal.

    Charming, undermining, very understanding, knows how to make an impression,
    active fighter for social cause, popular, moody and capricious lover,honest
    tolerant partner, precise sense of judgement.

    Full of charm, cheerful, gifted, without egoism, likes to draw attention,
    loves life, motion, unrest and even complications, is both dependent and
    independent, good
    taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

    No ordinary person, full imagination and originality, shy and reserved,
    ambitious, proud, self-respect, hungers for new experiences, sometimes
    nervous, many
    complexes, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to

    Unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egoistic, aggressive,
    noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition,
    no flexibility,
    difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious
    strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromises.

    Of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice,
    vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritate and sensitive in
    company, often
    due to a lack of self-confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not
    understood, loves only once, has
    difficulties in finding a partner.

    Uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for
    criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with its fate, can
    be egoistic, very
    reliable and trust-worthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule
    over heart, but takes partnership very serious.

    Of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, tends to
    egoism, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads reasonable, disciplined
    life, looks for
    kindness, an emotional partner and acknowledgement, dreams of unusual lovers,
    is seldom happy with his/her feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure
    of its
    decisions, very conscious.

    Very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or
    arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a
    butterfly, good sense of
    humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

    Courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not love
    changes, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

    Vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, unpretentious, modest, does not
    like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm,
    not very
    passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content

    Loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression
    and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice,
    empathic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated

    Has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialist, good organization of
    life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks,
    splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.).



    Ambitious and serious
    Loves to teach and be taught
    Always looking at people's flaws and
    Likes to criticise
    Hardworking and productive
    Smart, neat and organised
    Sensitive and has deep thoughts
    Knows how to make others happy
    Quiet unless excited or tensed
    Rather reserved
    Highly attentive
    Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds
    Romantic but has difficulties expressing love
    Loves children
    Homely person
    Needs to improve social abilities
    Easily jealous

    Abstract thoughts
    Loves reality and abstract
    Intelligent and clever
    Changing personality
    Quiet, shy and humble
    Low self esteem
    Honest and loyal
    Determined to reach goals
    Loves freedom
    Rebellious when restricted
    Loves aggressiveness
    Too sensitive and easily hurt
    Showing anger easily
    Dislike unnecessary things
    Loves making friends but rarely shows it
    Daring and stubborn
    Realising dreams and hopes
    Loves entertainment and leisure
    Romantic on the inside not outside
    Supersticious and ludicrous
    Learns to show emotions

    Attractive personality
    Shy and reserved
    Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic
    Loves peace and serenity
    Sensitive to others
    Loves to serve others
    Not easily angered
    Appreciative and returns kindness
    Observant and assess others
    Loves to dream and fantasize
    Loves travelling
    Loves attention
    Hasty decisions in choosing partners
    Loves home decors
    Musically talented
    Loves special things

    Active and dynamic
    Desicive and haste but tends to regret
    Attractive and affectionate to oneself
    Strong mentality
    Loves attention
    Friendly and solves people's problems
    Brave and fearless
    Loving and caring
    Suave and generous
    Good memory
    Motivate oneself and the others
    Sickness usually of the head and chest
    Easily get too jealous

    Stubborn and hard-hearted
    Strong-willed and highly motivated
    Sharp thoughts
    Easily angered
    Attracts others and loves attention
    Deep feelings
    Beautiful physically and mentally
    Firm standpoint
    Easily influenced
    Needs no motivation
    Easily consoled
    Systematic (left brain)
    Loves to dream
    Strong clairvoyance
    Sickness usually in the ear and neck
    Good imagination
    Good debating skills
    Good physical
    Weak breathing
    Loves literature and the arts
    Loves travelling
    Dislike being at home
    Not having many children
    High spirited

    Thinks far with vision
    Easily influenced by kindness
    Polite and soft-spoken
    Having lots of ideas
    Active mind
    Tends to delay
    Choosy and always wants the best
    Funny and humorous
    Loves to joke
    Good debating skills
    Knows how to make friends
    Able to show character
    Easily hurt
    Prone to getting colds
    Loves to dress up
    Easily bored
    Seldom show emotions
    Takes time to recover when hurt
    Brand conscious
    Those who loves me are enemies
    Those who hates me are friends

    Fun to be with
    Difficult to fathom and to be understood
    Quiet unless excited or tensed
    Takes pride in oneself
    Has reputation
    Easily consoled
    Concern about people's feelings
    Very emotional
    Temperamental and unpredictable
    Moody and easily hurt
    Witty and sarky
    Not revengeful
    Forgiving but never forgets
    Dislike nonsensical and unnecessary things
    Guides others physically and mentally
    Sensitive and forms impressions carefully
    Caring and loving
    Treats others equally
    Strong sense of sympathy
    Wary and sharp
    Judge people through observations
    No difficulties in studying
    Loves to be alone
    Always broods about the past and the old friends
    Likes to be quiet
    Homely person
    Waits for friends
    Never looks for friends
    Not aggressive unless provoked
    Prone to having stomach and dieting problems
    Loves to be loved
    Easily hurt but takes long to recover
    Overly concerned
    Puts in effort in work

    Loves to joke
    Suave and caring
    Brave and fearless
    Firm and has leadership qualities
    Knows how to console others
    Too generous and egoistic
    Taked high pride of oneself
    Thirsty for praises
    Extraodinary spirit
    Easily angered
    Angry when provoked
    Easily jealous
    Careful and cautious
    Thinks quickly
    Independent thoughts
    Loves to lead and to be led
    Loves to dream
    Talented in the arts, music and defence
    Sensitive but not petty
    Poor resistance against illnesses
    Learns to relax
    Hasty and rushy
    Loving and caring
    Loves to make friends

    Suave and compromising
    Careful, cautious and organised
    Likes to point out people's mistakes
    Quiet but able to talk well
    Calm and cool
    Kind and sympathetic
    Concerned and detailed
    Trustworthy, loyal and honest
    Does work well
    Good memory
    Clever and knowledgeable
    Loves to look for information
    Must control oneself when criticising
    Able to motivate oneself
    Loves sports, leisure and travelling
    Hardly shows emotions
    Tends to bottle up feelings
    Choosy especially in relationships
    Loves wide things

    Loves to chat
    Loves those who loves him
    Loves to takes things at the centre
    Attractive and suave
    Inner and physical beauty
    Does not lie or pretend
    Treats friends importantly
    Always making friends
    Easily hurt but recovers easily
    Bad tempered
    Selfish Seldom helps unless asked
    Very opinionated
    Does not care of what others think
    Strong clairvoyance
    Loves to travel, the arts and literature
    Soft-spoken, loving and caring
    Touchy and easily jealous
    Loves outdoors
    Just and fair
    Spendthrift and easily influenced
    Easily lose confidence

    Has a lot of ideas
    Difficult to fathom
    Thinks forward
    Unique and brilliant
    Extraodinary ideas
    Sharp thinking
    Fine and strong clairvoyance
    Can become good doctors
    Careful and cautious
    Dynamic in personality
    Knows how to dig secrets
    Always thinking
    Less talkative but amiable
    Brave and generous
    Stubborn and hard-hearted
    If there is a will, there is a way
    Never give up
    Hardly become angry unless provoked
    Loves to be alone
    Thinks differently from others
    Motivates oneself
    Does not appreciates praises
    Well-built and tough
    Deep love and emotions
    Uncertain in relationships
    High abilities
    Honest and keeps secrets
    Not able to control emotions

    Loyal and generous
    Active in games and interactions
    Impatient and hasty
    Influential in organisations
    Fun to be with
    Loves to socialise
    Loves praises
    Loves attention
    Loves to be loved
    Honest and trustworthy
    Not pretending
    Short tempered
    Changing personality
    Not egoistic
    Taked high pride in oneself
    Hates restrictions
    Loves to joke
    Good sense of humor


    Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and
    deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear
    of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for
    not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by
    people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor
    6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be
    able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck
    parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly
    believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send
    "his" email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I
    scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every Playboy
    model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this
    message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have
    nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards.
    Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment
    and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was
    started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget
    pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll
    be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous
    streak of blatant stupidity.

    Fuck them.

    If you're going to forward something, at least send me something
    mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest
    friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
    somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about
    90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think
    about what you're actually contributing to by sending out forwards.
    Chances are it's your own unpopularity.

    P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best friends!



    If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)

    If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

    The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

    A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

    Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

    Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.(Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

    On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

    The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

    A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

    The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.(From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)

    Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

    The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

    A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

    The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

    Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (Forget the pig! In my next life want to be a lion... )

    Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

    Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

    An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

    Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)

    Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the asshole upside the head.


    B i z a r r e +ACE-

    Hello, and welcome to Bizarre+ACE-. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
    After an 11-hour standoff in South River, New Jersey, police finally
    persuaded three family members to come out of their apartment lined entirely
    with aluminum foil. The family told police that the foil was to keep out
    "moonbeams and rays from the outer planets..."

    When best friends Jamie Moody and Timothy Dodge of Oregon got into a heated
    argument, Moody grabbed a shotgun in hopes of "intimidating" Dodge into
    settling down. Instead, Dodge put the barrel of the shotgun in his mouth and
    "dared his friend to shoot." He did. According to reports, the two were
    arguing over who was the better clamdigger...

    Three Texas men are in federal court on charges of conspiring to assassinate
    President Clinton and other government officials. Their plans, revealed last
    month in court documents, included producing botulism toxin from "chicken
    livers, chicken hearts and green beans with a little dirt," then shooting
    poison-tipped thorns from modified cigarette lighters to kill their intended
    victims..." and y'all are from what planet, again?

    An Arizona man says his relationship with a 13-year-old Mesa girl is
    perfectly acceptable because he is a witch. Nathan Shoecraft maintains that
    his Wiccan religious beliefs "allow him to have sex" with the minor girl.
    Other Arizona Wiccans disagree, and claim that Shoecraft is giving witches
    everywhere a bad name...

    When a 911 dispatcher in Bethel, Connecticut got a call and heard only
    silence on the line, four police officers, paramedics and an ambulance were
    immediately dispatched. At the scene, they found an empty house-- except for
    a parrot, and a phone off the hook...

    A schoolteacher walked into the police station in Kampala, Uganda and
    demanded to be shot. "Can't you just get a gun and shoot me?" begged Hamidou
    Namoyo, who was upset over losing his job. Officers reportedly told him he
    was "speaking to the wrong department" and shooed him away... down the hall,
    to your left...

    Hallmark spam: after Craig Shergold was diagnosed with brain cancer at age 9,
    he received a world-record 33 million get-well cards with the help of the
    Children's Wish Foundation in Atlanta. Ten years later, Craig's cancer is
    gone, but the cards just keep coming. It's not that he's ungrateful. Craig
    credits the "upliftment" from all the cards for his recovery. But after
    receiving 250 million cards and letters, he justwants it to stop... I'm sick
    to death of all this mail...

    Admitting his 0-4 record is not impressive "on paper," trainers announced
    that "Lucky," a German shepherd guide dog for the blind in Wuppertal Germany,
    is available for his fifth owner. Lucky led his first owner in front of a
    bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He nudged his third owner off a
    railway platform in front of the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express. And he walked
    his fourth owner into heavy traffic, abandoning him to be hit and killed. The
    new owner won't be told of Lucky's record - they say the dog might sense
    nervousness and "do something silly..."

    A man identified only as Mr. Humphrey jumped off a 7-story riverside parking
    garage in Norwich, England. According to friends, Mr. Humphrey had "a
    passion" for jumping off bridges and other high places. Pacing along a ledge
    before he jumped, he called down to police officers to ask how deep the water
    was. Apparently, he didn't hear the answer: three feet...

    When Milwaukee police arrested a driver on a traffic violation, he kept
    insisting they had the wrong man. Ernest Hickles repeatedly told police that
    it was his brother, Earnest Hickles, who was wanted on several warrants.
    After six days in jail, police released Ernest, realizing they already had
    his brother Earnest in another cell. Hickles' grandmother blamed their mother
    for the confusion. "She gave both kids the same name because she didn't want
    anyone to know she had another baby..."

    Three sisters in Davie, Florida say they'll sue the Broward County Sheriff's
    Office on a complaint of police brutality. But witnesses say the girls-- a
    16-year-old and 15-year-old twins-- ganged up on Deputy Eric Caldwell and
    "beat him with their platform shoes..." disco lives...

    Police in Ft. Lauderdale are pretty sure they've got their man in a rape and
    robbery investigation. They say that Ken Willis left his keys at the crime
    scene. When police went to his home, the keys fit the lock. When they
    arrested Willis, he was wearing socks on his hands... if it doesn't fit, you
    must acquit...

    After installing a new 917,000 security system at the Redwood City Hall of
    Justice, officials announced that "anything resembling a weapon would be
    confiscated." Hours later, deputies got their first catch-- a bread making
    machine. Officials were quick to point out that "it had wires and a timer..."
    and it was set all the way to "mix..."

    After eight months, police in Paola, Kansas still had no leads in the child
    molestation case of two young children- until one of the girls spotted the
    man on a television game show. Matthew Fenwick won 4,400 on Wheel of Fortune,
    but it won't cover his 50,000 bail... I'd like to buy a clue...

    A Michigan jury awarded 200,000 to a 27-year-old man who claimed that an
    automobile accident turned him into a homosexual. The man's attorney told
    jurors that after the accident, the man moved back home with his parents and
    started hanging around gay bars... must have been a rear-end collision...

    Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the gene pool: Darwin Coates
    of Pasadena, Maryland accidentally shot himself in the groin with a .22
    caliber handgun. While he was on the floor, his cousin, Gregory Johnson, took
    the gun away and stuck it in his pants. It went off again...

    When the owners of a gas station in Baltimore County, Maryland arrived at
    work Monday, they discovered an automatic teller machine had disappeared
    overnight. The thieves were caught on security camera videotape, but police
    have no leads. The robbers were all wearing garbage bags over their heads...
    let's hope nobody suffocates in the lineup...

    A New Jersey man is suing Pfizer Inc., claiming that Viagra made him crash
    his car. Used car salesman Joseph Moran of Colonia claims that "blue vision,"
    one of the known side effects of the drug, distracted him while driving,
    causing him to hit a tree and two parked cars. Moran also says he saw blue
    streaks "shoot out from his fingers" as he reached to remove an
    audiocassette... cool, do that again...

    A Wisconsin man was arrested and charged with attempted murder after
    attacking his father with a hatchet. Kenneth Kartman told police that he had
    to kill his family to prove his college thesis. According to District
    Attorney Jim Peterson, Kartman "believed that somewhere on the other side of
    the world, there would be a mother who would be killing her young son and
    that this would somehow bring the opposites into union and would in some way
    further the development of mankind." Peterson described Kartman as "somebody
    who wasn't thinking clearly at the time..." remember, kids, just say NO to

    In a tragic case of mistaken identity, a man in Winnipeg, Canada had his
    penis severed with a steak knife while he was sleeping. Police believe the
    man was the victim of a mix-up involving another man and his ex-girlfriend.
    Doctors are trying to repair the damage, but were unable to reattach the
    severed article, despite "an intensive search by the Winnipeg police dog
    unit..."bad dog...

    That's Bizarre, and remember, it's all true...


    A True Story...

    On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
    bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from
    the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room.
    But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her

    "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband
    and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she
    was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men
    already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big...
    very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first
    thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought
    was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.
    But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

    She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
    flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind, but
    knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the
    elevator was all too obvious. Her face was flushed. She
    couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she
    picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the
    other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
    turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors s they
    closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then
    another. Her fear increased!

    The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
    thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
    plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then
    of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what
    they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she
    threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A
    shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and
    spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of
    the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor
    you're going to, we'll push the button."

    The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out.
    He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.

    She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
    reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled
    to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," said
    the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the
    elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the
    floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It
    was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

    She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
    She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to
    blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you
    apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
    for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't
    know what to say. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn
    quarters and refilled her bucket.

    When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
    her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
    they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At
    her door they bid her a good evening.

    As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with
    laughter while they walked back to the elevator. The woman
    brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went
    downstairs for dinner with her husband.

    The next morning flowers were delivered to her room-a dozen
    roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
    bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
    years." It was signed:

    Eddie Murphy
    Michael Jordan


    Blind Man

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

    After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

    In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

    "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

    "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

    The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and a man enters.

    "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"



    A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a
    contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points
    out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like
    to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods,
    pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window,
    leans out and yells, "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed but
    she lets it slide.

    They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like
    a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor
    nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the
    window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more
    perplexed but still lets it slide.

    They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd
    like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls
    out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the
    window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The
    woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you
    write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What
    on earth does that mean?"

    The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying
    sod across the street."


    Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on
    the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked,
    "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

    The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell
    me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

    When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her
    operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be
    before she could resume her sex life.

    "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon.
    "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

    The blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
    breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
    aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

    She says, "Why, officer?"

    "Because your breast is exposed."

    "Oh. my God", says the blond. "I left the baby on the bus!"

    A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three
    blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly
    notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why
    did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

    The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new
    maxi-pads, with wings..."

    Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look
    at that dog with one eye!" The other blonde covers one of her eyes and
    says, "Where?"


    "Blonde Mail Call"
    from ScorpioX2X

    A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house.

    A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went.

    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

    Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"


    Blondes On Top

    Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
    charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in
    Atlantic City.

    The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The blonde team
    rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is having a
    great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
    from the blondes upstairs.

    She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches
    the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring
    straight ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of
    them with white knuckles.

    She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand
    time downstairs!"

    One of the blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a



    Blow job Etiquette (By a woman)

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

    4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?

    7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" get it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you, YOU just can't have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you are that desperate go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're goin' at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough,keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up doesn't mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

    A Man's Rebuttal

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we will find someone younger,prettier, and dirtier who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be hankful I'm not pulling your hair.

    5 . When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

    6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

    9. Play with the balls. We like that.

    10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

    11. Caress the ass. We like that too.

    12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, because when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I guarentee it'll be "sound asleep!"

    13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?


    Bob Knows Everybody

    Bob and his friend are sitting on front porch admiring the
    sunset. Bob has a proud smile on his face when he says, "You
    know, I don't think there's anyone on this planet I don't know."

    His friend looks at him, "What? You're kidding!"

    Bob says, "No. I think I know just about everybody."

    Bob's friend says, "I bet you don't know the governor."

    "George? Yeah, I know ol' George, as a matter of fact, I'm having
    dinner with him Tuesday. Why don't you come along?"

    They show up at the governor's mansion Tuesday, Governor Bush
    opens up the door himself. "Hey, Bob! How are ya doin'? Come on

    Bob's friend is quite impressed, but still not convinced Bob
    knows everybody. A few days later he tells Bob. "I bet you don't
    know Bruce Springsteen."

    "Bruce? Sure I know the Boss! We used to hang out together in

    "Bob, I don't believe you. I think you're lying to me."

    "No, really," Bob responds, "In fact, he's putting on a show
    tomorrow night. Lets go."

    Bob and his friend make their way up to front row. Bruce
    Springsteen looks down and says, "I'd like to dedicate this next
    song to my good friend Bob here."

    The friend is getting totally freaked by now. He is determined to
    find someone Bob doesn't know. A couple of weeks later, Bob is
    once again sitting on the porch with that proud smile on his
    face, when his friend pulls up in the driveway, jumps out of the
    car and says, "Aha! You don't know the Pope!"

    "The Pope? Sure I know ol' John Paul!"

    "You're lyin', Bob! I don't believe you!"

    "I'll prove it to you," Bob says.

    So they fly over to the Vatican. Bob's friend stands near the
    front of the crowd waiting for the Pope to come out on the
    balcony. Soon the Pope appears before the thousands of people in
    the crowd. Sure enough, right behind him comes Bob. Standing next
    to the Pope and waving at the crowds. After a bit Bob looks down
    and sees his friend passed out on the ground. He runs down to the
    street to his friend and says, "Hey, you okay?"

    "Yeah, I'm okay. I was standing here in shock when all of a
    sudden a guy leans towards me and says, 'Hey, who's that standing
    next to Bob?'"



    We were born in 1979 or 1980. People were still getting over Vietnam and
    Disco had swept the country. Dolly Parton had a song called Jolene, and Diana
    Ross had records, yes those big black frisbees that were 5 times the size of a CD,
    as big as her hair. The Muppets were our heros, and Atari was the game of
    choice. Pac Man invaded our heads and our parents pockets. We had those
    bouncy balls that had the handle on the top and you could sit on and bounce all
    over the place. The Reagan administration came around, but all we cared about
    were our mini-wheels. Snack time in Kindergarten was cool and the opposite
    sex still had cooties. We liked to play Candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Tic
    tac toe was still fashionable to us. Star Wars, and Ewoks were imiatated all over
    the nation, ET made us (or at least me) afraid to go into the bathroom. Girls
    fought over My Little Ponies, Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids. Boys were more
    into Transformers, He-Man, and GI Joe, not to mention their prized bb guns.
    Pretend was always fun too. In second grade we watched as the Challenger lept
    from the earth only to float back unexpectedly, devastating the nation, and
    plunging them into a state of mourning. Cuba was the enemy, drugs were
    becoming big and Iran got on our bad side, as did Oliver North. TV rotted our
    brains with "Different Strokes," "Silver Spoons," and "The Cosby Show." Leg
    warmers, bandanas and spiked hair, consumed us as we listened to Boy George
    and his Culture Club, Bruce Springstein, Rolling Stones, Madonna, George
    Michael, Cyndi Lauper, and Micheal Jackson. Pretty soon, hair stopped being
    spiked and started getting BIG...chains,and spikes, and jellybracelets were the
    rage, and everything was "awesome" or even"rad."

    People started getting computers like the Apple 2E. Bubble dresses were cool
    and the youth were following the path of rebellion. Drugs and guns were
    becoming more and more common, and we watched as the world discovered
    HIV and AIDS, and an 18 year old boy from Indiana died from a transfusion...
    We also lived through the Bush administration. Our generation watched the Gulf
    War come into our living rooms at night with the green night images and the
    blazing dots across the screen. We watched older brothers and sisters go off to a
    war that we never thought we'd see, but we made up songs about Saddam
    Hussein to the tune of "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice.

    Bill Clinton became the President taking Al Gore as his VP. Rolling your jeans
    and wearing GUESS and ESPRIT clothes made you popular. Skinny people
    were beautiful and fat people were funny, but everyone was crazy for

    We started dating more frequently, searching for the love of our life. Girls in the
    high schools started getting pregnant and we started getting our licenses. We
    lived through all the crazy fashion flashbacks, the hair, and the environmental
    crisis. We got to our senior year and we waited for proms and homecoming and
    most of all graduation day. We picked up our caps and gowns and all that senior
    stuff that's supposed to help us remember the good old days,but some of the
    things that you remember most, can't be put on paper...That day finally came,
    and you sat there with all of the friends that you had made over the
    looked out at your family and deep down you knew that this was a once in a
    lifetime moment. It was the last time in your life that all these people would be
    together in one place. Yeah there would be reunions but there was always the
    chance that one person wouldn't make it there. You looked back on your time
    with these people and realized that it was short lived and that it didn't seem as if
    there was enough time for everything that you wanted to accomplish...sports,
    activities, SAT, ACT, and all that good stuff. They called your name, your tassle
    got turned, and you got a piece of paper that said that you were smart. Then you
    said good-bye...maybe to your town, and that school and your friends. You
    know that you can go back to visit, but there will be strangers in the halls and it's
    not the same. It's different, and you're different. But it's not the end. In
    fact,everything is just beginning.-Anonymous

    Send this on to all the people you know born in "our" year so that they too enjoy
    the reflection on what defines us and makes our memories.


    The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth.
    In the piece, there's a long passage about 20 minutes
    during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.

    Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid,
    some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the
    tavern next door for a quick one.

    After slamming several beers in quick succession (as
    bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked
    at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!"

    "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought
    we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few
    pages of the conductor's score together with string.
    It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

    A few moments later they staggered back to the concert
    hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this
    time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor
    seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

    "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see?
    It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the
    bassists are loaded."


    Box of Tampons

    Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, the other four.
    the nine-year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it
    to the register for check-out.

    The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your Mom, huh.?" The nine-year
    old shakes his head and replies, Nope, not for my Mom."

    Cashier: "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

    Nine-year old: "Nope, not for my sister either."

    Cashier, curious now: "If they're not for your Mom and not for your
    sister, who are they for?"

    The nine-year old says, "They're for my four-year old brother."

    Surprised, the cashier asks, "Your little brother right here??"

    Nine year old explains: "Well, yeah! They say on TV if you wear one of
    these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either!"



    All babies start out with the same number of raw
    cells which, over nine months, develop into a
    complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells
    are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a
    male baby instead. Because there are only so many
    cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a
    male's reproductive organs have to come from cells
    already assigned elsewhere in the female.

    Recent tests have shown that these cells come from
    the Communications center of the brain, migrate lower
    in the body and develop the appropriately modified
    functions. This means, however, that males are born a
    few cards short, so to speak.

    This difference between the male and female brain
    manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will
    tend to play things like house or learn to read.
    Little boys, however, will tend to do things like
    placing a bucket over their heads and running into
    walls. Little girls will think about doing things
    before taking any action. Little boys will just look
    surprised if someone asks them why they just punched
    their little brother who was half asleep and looking
    the other way.

    This basic cognitive difference continues to grow
    until puberty, when the trouble really begins. After
    puberty, not only the size of the brains differ, but
    the center of thought also differs. Women think with
    their heads. Male thoughts originate where their ex-
    brain cells reside.

    Of course, the size of this problem varies from man
    to man. In some men only a small number of brain
    cells migrate; they are left with nearly full mental
    capacity but tend to be rather dull. Such men are
    known in medical terms as

    "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell
    relocation. These men are referred to as "Democrats."

    A small number of men suffer truly massive brain cell
    migration At conception. These men are usually
    referred to as..... "Mr. President."


    The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
    "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an
    experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are
    very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

    "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

    "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the
    younger male relatives
    tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few
    actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in
    price between male brains and female brains?"

    "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains
    have to be marked down because they're used."


    100 yard breast stroke race..

    A blonde, brunette, and redhead were standing on the edge of the pool
    ready for the 100 yard breast stroke race...

    The starter shot the pistol and the three dove into the water and began

    A few minutes later, the brunette finished and jumped out of the water.
    Then the redhead.

    About twenty minutes later, the blonde emerged.

    They awarded the gold to the brunette, the silver to the redhead, and the
    bronze to the blonde.

    As they placed the medal around her neck, the blonde whispered, " I don't
    want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the other two used their





    To all of you Bright Women

    1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
    not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

    2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
    a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-

    3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
    friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to
    do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

    4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
    We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita

    5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
    -Wendy Liebman-

    6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. -Erma

    7. If high heels were so wonderful,men would still be wearing them. -Sue

    8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
    -Roseanne Barr-

    9. I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-

    10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
    Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

    11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

    12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -Gilda

    13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
    anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

    14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
    and a career.-Gloria Steinhem-

    15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. -Gloria

    16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
    which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls
    every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home
    late at night. -Marie Corelli-

    17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. -Baroness Edith

    18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How
    intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around
    your neck. -Linda Ellerbee-

    19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
    house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

    Send this to five bright women you know and make their day


    NO OFFENSE to Britney fans. We just..well, dont like her. And Yes,
    these *made up* lyrics DO make fun of her!!!
    "You drive me crazy" ~Britney Spears
    You gotta sing to the song, its got the same beat and everything. comes...our version... =)

    I'm so into you
    But your not the only one
    That I've ever screwed

    You spin me around
    My hair extentions
    Fall right to the ground

    Everytime you look at me
    I do my shimmy
    And you start to flee

    Loving you means so much more
    But its not as fun to me as being a whore

    I drive you crazy
    You just cant sleep
    I'm so annoying
    And, I'm such a geek
    Oh crazy
    I wear cloths to tight
    Baby thinking of me
    Keeps me busy all night

    You tell me
    I look like a goat
    And I cant even
    Reach a high note

    Dont tell me
    You wanna be free
    Just cuz my make-up
    Is done all shitty

    Loving you means so much more
    But its not as fun to me as being a whore

    *chorus repeated*

    I'm so confused
    I'm such a ditz
    And I have fake boobs

    But they feel alright
    Every day and every night

    *chorus repeated*

    So...what'd ya think?!?!
    E-mail this to everyone you know!!! And get them to email it to
    everyone they know too!!


    Morris and Lena's bull took sick and died, so they
    needed to go to the auction to buy a new one. Morris
    had to tend to the dairy and couldn't leave the farm,
    so Lena took the train to the city to buy a bull. If
    she was successful, she would take the train back to
    the farm, then she and Morris would go to town with
    the truck to pick up their newly purchased bull.

    The bidding was furious at the livestock auction, and
    Lena found herself bidding on the last remaining
    bull. It took everything she had but ten cents, but
    she was finally the successful bidder.

    Unfortunately, the train home was fifty cents.
    "Please, Mr. Conductor, couldn't you make an
    exception just vunce?" pleaded Lena. "Sorry lady," he
    replied, "but you can send your husband a telegram to
    tell him your problem. The office is just down the

    At the Telegraph office, Lena asked, "Mister, how
    many words can I send to my husband for a dime?"

    "It's ten cents a word," the clerk answered.
    Lena pondered her dilemma, then finally said, "OK,
    here's da message:



    1. Support Cannibalism--EAT ME!
    2. I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me this way!
    3. 'Whitewater' is over when the First Lady sings.
    4. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue your ass!
    5. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
    6. If we are what we eat, then I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
    7. Keep blowing your horn while I reload!
    8. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
    9. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
    10. Just say "NO" to sex with Pro-Lifers!
    11. Who were the beta testers for Preparations 'A' through 'G' ?
    12. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, it's a frickin' amusement park!
    13. I don't have a license to kill...I have a learner's permit.
    14. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!
    15. My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.
    16. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
    17. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.
    18. Stop repeat offenders...don't re-elect them!
    19. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people!
    20. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier!
    21. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
    22. 100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
    23. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
    24. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not
    25. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
    26. You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.
    27. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
    28. Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
    29. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
    30. Grow your own dope. Plant a man.
    31. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
    32. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
    33. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
    34. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
    35. So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.
    36. I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
    37. All men are idiots... I married their king.
    38. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
    39. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
    40. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
    41. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
    42. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
    43. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
    44. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
    45. Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
    46. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
    47. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
    48. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
    49. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
    50. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
    51. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
    52. Honk If You Want To See My Finger.


    Here are some good ones:
    Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
    There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can't
    Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
    Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
    For people who like peace and quiet, a phoneless cord.
    I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
    The floggings will continue until morale improves.
    I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
    Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
    There cannot be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
    A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
    I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
    Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
    If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
    Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
    If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
    If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
    It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
    Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
    Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
    Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
    Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
    Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
    Copywight 1994 Elmew Fudd. All wights wesewved.
    Department of Redundancy Department
    Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
    What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

    "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
    "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
    "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
    "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
    "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
    "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
    "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
    "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep"
    "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
    "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
    "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
    "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
    "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
    "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
    "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
    "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
    "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
    "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
    "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
    "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !"
    "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
    "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
    "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
    "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
    "He who laughs last thinks slowest"
    "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
    "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
    "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
    "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
    "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
    "I souport publik edekasion"
    "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
    "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
    "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
    "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
    "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
    "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock."
    "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
    "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
    "I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening."
    "If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."

    Steve Beaver
    Network Administrator
    United Catalysts, Inc.



    Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You
    know, we could make a lot of money running our own
    bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Joe thinks this is a great
    idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll
    need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As
    they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
    Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.
    When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought
    it would be a good idea to give a demonstration.

    So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
    comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and
    scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he
    falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is
    bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again
    and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed
    up -- he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost
    unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and
    says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

    Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine,
    it was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?"



    We often learn the most from our children. Some time ago, a
    friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold
    wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when
    the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree.

    Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the
    Next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed
    by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found
    that the box was empty.

    He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a
    present, there's supposed to be something inside of it?"

    The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
    " Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you,

    The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl,
    and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold
    box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take
    out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it

    In a very real sense, each of us as parents has been given a gold
    container filled with unconditional love and kisses from our

    There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.
    You now have the choice, you can:
    1) pass this on to your friends
    2) delete it and act like it didn't touch your heart As you can see, I
    took choice number 1.


    So, what DOES a Canadian Have to be Proud of?

    1. Smarties

    2. Crispy Crunch

    3. Coffee Crisp

    4. The size of our footballs, fields and one less Down

    5. Lacrosse is Canadian

    6. Hockey is Canadian

    7. Basketball is Canadian

    8. Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass

    9. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass

    10. In the war of 1812, Canadians pushed the Americans so far
    back...passed their 'White House ', we burned it... and most of
    Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and
    hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away so we went
    home and partied... Go figure.

    11. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to

    12. We have the largest English population that never-ever surrendered
    or withdrew during any war.

    13. Our civil war was a big bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

    14. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American
    Mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just
    in time to get caught.

    15. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

    16. The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface
    and is still around as the world's oldest Company.

    17. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in
    under 3 minutes.

    18. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

    19. We don't marry our kin-folk.

    20. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, zambonis, the long
    distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

    21. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell
    about it.

    22. Oh ya...and the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your
    hands with mitts on.


    A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars
    are totally demolished, but amazingly enough, neither one of them is hurt.
    After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man,
    that's interesting. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but
    fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should
    meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
    The man replied, "I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from

    God!" The woman continued, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My
    car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't
    break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
    fortune." then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in
    agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then hands
    it back to the woman.

    The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it
    back to the man... The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
    the woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police....."



    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated
    radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police
    department a picture of a $40 bill. The police responded with another
    mailed photo - of handcuffs.


    A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
    many. Then he discovered the problem: a 10 year old boy was standing up the
    road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
    then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
    bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade.)


    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
    walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
    you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

    He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

    There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
    just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle, and left.
    She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


    An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor
    of his plans to leave the house-building business and live a more
    leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss
    the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by.

    The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could
    build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes,
    but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He
    resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an
    unfortunate way to end his career.

    When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the
    house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This
    is your house," he said,
    "my gift to you."

    What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his
    own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live
    in the home he had built none too well.

    So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather
    than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we
    do not give the job our best effort. Then with a shock we look at the
    situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we
    have built. If we had realized that we would have done it differently.

    Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you
    hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the
    only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more,
    that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity.

    The plaque on the wall says, "Life is a do-it-yourself project." Who could
    say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and
    choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your
    attitudes and the choices you make today.

    Pass this on to someone you care about. I did ! ! !


    Cat Haiku

    You never feed me.
    Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
    That will show you.

    I need a new toy.
    Tail of black dog keeps good time.
    Pounce! good dog! good dog!

    The rule for today:
    Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
    New rule tomorrow.

    In deep sleep hear sound
    Cat throwup hairball somewhere
    Will find in morning

    Grace personified,
    I leap into the window.
    I meant to do that.

    Blur of motion, then --
    Silence, me, a paper bag.
    What is so funny?

    You're always typing.
    Well, let's see you ignore my
    Sitting on your hands.

    My small cardboard box.
    You cannot see me if I
    Can hide my head.

    Terrible battle.
    I fought for hours. Come and see!
    What's a 'term paper'?

    Small brave carnivores
    Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
    Fear vacuum cleaner.

    Want to trim my claws?
    Don't even think about it!
    My cries will wake the dead.

    I want to be close
    To you. Can I fit my head
    inside your armpit?

    Wanna go outside.
    Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
    Let me back inside!

    Oh no! Big One
    has been trapped by newspaper!
    Cat to the rescue!

    Humans are so strange.
    Mine lies still in bed, then screams!
    My claws aren't that sharp . . .

    Litter box not here
    You must have moved it again
    I'll crap in the sink.

    We're almost equals
    I purr to show I love you
    Want to smell my butt?


    It costs so little and means so much

    As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next President.

    This will have catastrophic results in our vital -- no, indispensable -- entertainment industry.

    Barbra Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin -- among many others -- have sworn to leave the country if George W. Bush is elected President.

    And this is where YOU can help. We need volunteers to help pack and to load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

    For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation.

    You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become a useful citizen in the Third World country of their choosing.

    You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much.

    Call 1-800-deport-a-lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.


    This letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and
    discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost

    Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally
    tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife or girlfriend and
    send her to the man whose name appears at the top of this list, and
    add your name to the bottom. When your turn comes, you will receive
    6,255 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you
    already have. At the time of writing this, a friend of mine had already
    received 184 women, 4 of who were worth keeping.

    Remember - this chain brings luck. One man's cat died, and the next
    day he received a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader. You can be lucky too,
    so DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN One man broke the chain and got his
    own wife back.


    "Chain" Letter for Women Only

    This letter was started by a woman like yourself, in the hopes of bringing
    relief to other tired and discontented women.

    Unlike most chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy
    of this letter to five of your friends who are equally as frustrated - then
    bundle up your husband, boyfriend or lover and send him to the woman whose
    name appears at the top of this list.

    When your name comes to the top of the list, you will receive 16,877 men. One
    of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better than the one you already have.

    Do not break the chain. One woman broke the chain and got her own SOB back.

    At this writing, a friend of mine already has received 184 men. They buried
    her yesterday. But it took three undertakers 35 hours to get the smile off
    her face.

    Please hurry up and send this letter along, so my name can move up faster.



    A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a
    cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning
    and looks a bit teed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular,
    "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"


    "When you go back to your Mom's tonight, give her this envelope and tell her that since you are now 18, this is the last check she'll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face."



    "Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I'm now 18, this is the last child support payment he'll ever have to make to you. Now I'm supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face."

    "Next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he's not your father...... then, stand back and watch the expression on his face."


    You are an 80's child if:

    -You had a crush on Jon Bon Jovi, or knew someone who did.
    -You know what a "burnout" is.
    -You wanted to be on StarSearch. (Come on, we all did)
    -You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell
    off. Or even when he had those freaky eyes in "Thriller" at the end of the
    -You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point
    during your youth.
    -You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
    -You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."
    -You HAD to have your MTV.
    -You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."
    -You can name at least half of the members of the elite "Brat Pack."
    -You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer."
    -You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future."
    -You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your
    -You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's
    movie she WASN'T in?)
    -You know what "Sike" means.
    -You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, god-awful fashion plus

    -You wanted to be a Goonie ("Goonies never say die.")
    -You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie, but
    you couldn't see it because your parents wouldn't let you.
    -You've heard of Garbage Pail Kids.
    -You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."
    -You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
    -You ever wore flourescent-neon if you will-clothing...(ornail polish)
    -You could breakdance, or wished you could.
    -You know who Max Headroom is.
    -You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system.
    -(Remember Pong?)
    -You own any cassettes.
    -You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the
    -You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from
    Pizza Hut.
    -Poltergeist freaked you out.
    -You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
    -You wish you were alone now with Tiffany.
    -You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
    -You watched Jem religiously, desperately wanted those red flashy earings,
    wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy, or you wanted
    green hair like that lead singer of the Misfits.
    -You know what a Doozer is.
    -You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
    -You ever had a Swatch Watch.
    -You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
    -You had a crush on one of the Coreys (Haim or Feldman).
    -You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
    -You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
    -You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
    -You Believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power!"
    -You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
    -You know what a "Whammee" is. ("No Whammy, no whammy, stop!!")
    -Partying "like it's 1999" seemed SO far away.

    If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, My friend, are a
    "Child of the 80's."
    Send this to anyone that would appreciate going back to this Wonderful
    decade... Thanks a lot guys!


    You're an 80's child if....

    You know all the words to "Ice Ice Baby."

    You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.

    You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.

    You wanted to be on Star Search.

    You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before he
    Had plastic surgery.

    You wore a banana clip or one of those slap-on wrist bands at
    Some point... or heaven forbid one of those T-shirt rings on one side
    During your youth.

    You were styling with your French rolled pants.

    You wore multiple pairs of socks in the middle of the summer
    Just so you could be "hip"

    You had slouch socks and puff painted your own shirt at least

    Cabbage Patch Kids!!

    You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout."

    You know the profound meaning of "Wax on, Wax off."

    You were upset when She-ra, Princess of Power, and He-Man got

    You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell
    For endless hours, back when they were new episodes.

    You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.

    You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the

    You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows
    Your name"

    You wanted to be a Goonie. ("Goonies never say die.")

    You remember Madonna in her cone stage.

    You knew "The Artist" when he was humbly called "Prince."

    You even wore flourescent-neon, if you will, clothing...

    You could breakdance, or wished you could.

    You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game

    You remember M.C. Hammer.

    You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air."

    You own any cassettes.

    You owned a pair of L.A. Gear, Keds, or Converse tennis

    You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET

    You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female

    My Little Pony, Gummy Bears, Transformers, PinWheel with
    Molly the Mole, Double Dare, and Zoobilee Zoo are familiar to you.

    You ever had a Swatch Watch.

    You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the
    "Care Bear stare."

    You had Wonder Woman or Superman underoos.

    You believed that "By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the

    You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.

    You spent hours in the basement building and rebuilding Lego

    Big wheels and bicycles with streamers were the way to go.

    With your pink portable tape player, you sang back up to
    Debbie Gibson.

    "Party like it's 1999" seemed SO far away!!

    **If you can identify with at least half of these, you are a
    child of the 80's!! Send this to everyone who would appreciate
    going back to this wonderful decade!!*


    1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. (Patrick, age 10)
    2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
    answer him. (Michael, age 14)
    3. Never tell your mom her diet isn't working. (John, age 13)
    4. Stay away from prunes. (Randy, age 9)
    5. Never pee on an electric fence. (Robert, age 13)
    6. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. (Emily, age 10)
    7. Don't squat with your spurs on. (Billy, age 9)
    8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
    (Melissa, age 11)
    9. Never allow your 3-year-old brother in the same room as your
    school assignment. (Ann, age 14)
    10. Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
    (Mitchell, age 12)
    11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac.
    (Andrew, age 9)
    12. Never hold a dust-buster and a cat at the same time. (Ramona,
    age 9)
    13. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (Joey,
    age 10)
    14. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. (Kelly, age
    15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. (Jill,
    age 14)
    16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. (Lauren, age 9)
    17. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
    (Tommy, age 10)
    18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
    she's on the phone.(Lee,age 13)
    19. Never try to baptize a cat. (Eileen, age 8)
    20. I know God knows when you are bad, but it's your parents you
    have to worry about.(Sam, age 9)
    21. NEVER SPIT INTO THE WIND Ricky Age13



    Strangers Have the Best Candy

    The Little Sissy Who Snitched

    Some Kittens Can Fly!

    Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

    The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
    Animals of North Amer-Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!

    The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking

    You Are Different and That's Bad

    Dad's New Wife Michael

    POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games

    Curious George and the High Voltage Fence

    The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

    Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

    The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead

    How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your
    Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect
    Through Fear

    What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?

    Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

    Bi-Curious George

    Daddy Drinks Because You Cry



    1. You Are Different and That's Bad
    2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
    3. Dad's New Wife Robert
    4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
    5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
    6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
    7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
    8. All Cats Go to Hell
    9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
    10. Some Kittens Can Fly
    11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
    12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
    13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
    14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
    15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things



    "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
    Bobby, age 9

    "Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold... Other people care more about the food."
    Bart, age 9

    "Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
    Sarah, age 9

    "See if the man has lipstick on his face."
    Sandra, age 7

    "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."
    Christine, age 9


    "'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
    Arnold, age 10

    "'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
    Larry, age 8

    "'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
    Eddie, age 6

    "'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
    Bob, age 9

    "'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
    Will, age 7

    "'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'"
    Sharon, age 9


    "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
    Michelle, age 9

    "Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
    Dick, age 7


    "Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
    Julio, age 9

    "One of the Greek lady gods got a crush on one of the Greek man gods. He tried to hit her with lightning and thunderbolts, but he just couldn't get her away from him ... After a while, they became the first married gods."
    Robbie, age 8


    "One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
    Andrew, age 6

    "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
    Mae, age 9

    "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
    Manuel, age 8


    "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
    John, age 9

    "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
    Glenn, age 7


    "If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
    Anita C., age 8

    "It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
    Brian, age 7

    "Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
    Christine, age 9


    "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
    Greg, age 8


    "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
    Arnold, age 10

    "When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
    Wendy, age 8

    "All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
    Sherm, age 8


    "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
    Gavin, age 8

    "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
    John, age 9


    "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs' is on television."
    Jill, age 6

    "Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
    Floyd, age 9

    "Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
    Carey, age 7

    "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
    Dave, age 8

    "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
    Regina, age 10


    "Sensitivity don't hurt."
    Robbie, age 8

    "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
    Ava, age 8


    "Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
    Del, age 6

    "Shake your hips and hope for the best."
    Camille, age 9

    "Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
    Manuel, age 8

    "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
    Alonzo, age 9

    "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
    Bart, age 9


    "Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
    Judy, age 8

    "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
    Tom, age 5


    "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."
    Mike, age 10


    "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."
    Jim, age 10

    "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
    Kally, age 9


    "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
    Lynette, age 9

    "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
    Kenny, age 7


    Subject: Christmas party announcement


    FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    TO: Everyone
    RE: Christmas Party
    DATE: December 1

    I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas
    Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon
    in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue.

    No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small
    band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing
    along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
    dressed as Santa Claus!


    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 2
    RE: Christmas Party

    In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
    Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
    important holiday which often coincides with
    Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

    However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday
    Party". The same policy applies to employees who are
    celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

    Happy now?


    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 3
    RE: Holiday Party

    Regarding the note I received from a member of
    Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
    accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a
    table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous

    How am I supposed to handle this?



    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 7
    RE: Holiday Party

    What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
    December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
    which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight
    hours. There goes the party!

    Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time
    of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
    beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your
    meal until the end of the party -- the days are so
    short this time of year -- or else package everything
    for take-home in little foil swans.

    Will that work?

    Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
    Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
    pregnant women will get the table closest to the

    Did I miss anything?


    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 8
    RE: Holiday Party

    So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
    expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire
    regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by
    our "earth-based Goddess-worshipping" employees, but
    we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle
    during the band's breaks.



    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    Date: December 9
    RE: Holiday Party

    People, people, nothing sinister was intended by
    having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the
    anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is
    no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red
    suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at
    Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey
    or broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

    Could we lighten up?


    FROM; Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 10
    RE: Holiday Party


    I've had it with you people!!!

    We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit
    Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
    quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
    death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
    #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but
    you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream
    when you slice them. I've heard them scream, I'm
    hearing them scream right now!


    FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
    DATE: December 14
    RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

    I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a
    speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and
    I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the

    In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our
    Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the
    23rd off with full pay.

    Happy Chanu-Kwanzaa-Solsti-Rama-Mas!!


    Here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and

    1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

    2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

    3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and

    4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
    nursery downstairs.

    5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
    David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

    6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and north ends
    of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

    7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies
    giving milk will please come early.

    8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will
    sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

    9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
    All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
    private study.

    10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward
    and lay an egg on the altar.

    11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the
    ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join

    12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost
    of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet
    will come forward and get a piece of paper.

    13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
    they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

    14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
    Music will follow.

    15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
    Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

    16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian
    Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

    17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

    18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

    19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
    several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

    20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

    21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
    sinning to join the choir.

    22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in
    preparing for the girth of their first child.

    23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
    recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

    24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
    slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."


    Church Services

    One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
    out, we stopped to chat with our friends. My wife said "the pastor's
    sermon was really bad today."

    "Boring too!" remarked one of our gathered friends.

    "The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time" I

    The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted ion and said
    "come, pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter".


    The Amish and the Elevator

    An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
    amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver
    walls in the mall lobby that could move apart and back together again.
    The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
    never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

    While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady,
    limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls
    and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them
    and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
    watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up.
    They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

    The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped
    out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."


    Circle Flies

    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
    started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to
    throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was
    doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his

    The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
    what they are--I never heard of circle flies".

    So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're
    called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around
    the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a
    minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me
    a horses ass?"

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
    enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses

    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing
    the ticket.

    After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."


    Gore and the Clinton's are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al,
    chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window
    right now and make one person very happy."

    Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00
    bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

    Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says, "I could throw
    100 $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

    Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
    three of you out the window and make the whole country happy.


    One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel
    way to motivate her class. She told them that she
    would read a quote and the first student to correctly
    identify who said it would receive the rest of the
    day off.

    She started with "This was England's finest hour."
    Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston

    "Congratulations," said the teacher "you may go

    The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can
    do for you."
    Before she could finish this quote, another young
    lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy".

    "Very good" says the teacher, "you may go."

    Irritated that he has missed two golden
    opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those
    girls would just shut up."

    Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher
    demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose
    to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you


    The difference between an accident, a great loss and a tragedy.

    Bill Clinton was visiting a grade school recently and he asked in one
    class of students if anyone could give him an example of a "tragedy".

    One little boy stands up and offers that, "If my best friend who
    lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes by and kills him,
    that would be a tragedy".

    "NO!" Clinton says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

    A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children
    drove off cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

    I'm afraid not, explains Clinton. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS".

    The room fell silent; none of the other children would dare to
    volunteer. "What?", asks Clinton, "isn't there anyone here who can give
    me an example of a tragedy"?

    Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. He says "If an Airplane
    carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton was blown up by a terrorist, that would be
    a tragedy".

    "Wonderful!" Clinton beams. "Marvelous! And can you tell me
    WHY that would be a tragedy"?

    "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly
    wouldn't be any great loss!"


    Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven (has to be an error!).
    St. Peter was conducting the tour and Hillary noticed that
    there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed
    a different time of day.

    When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We
    have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell
    a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time
    a lie is told."

    Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging
    to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never
    told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.
    He only told two lies in his life.

    Hillary asked, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter replied,
    "Jesus has it in His office...He is using it as a ceiling fan."


    Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school. When he
    stepped into one of the classrooms, the young students
    were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
    their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he
    would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word

    Our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a

    One little boy stood up and said, "If my best friend, who
    lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came
    along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

    "No," said Clinton, "that would be an accident."

    A little girl raised her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty
    children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that
    would be a tragedy."

    "I'm afraid not," explained the president. "That's what we
    would call a great loss."

    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
    Clinton searched the room. "Isn't there someone here
    who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

    Finally, in the back of the room, a small boy raised his
    hand. In a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One,
    carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and
    blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy!"

    "Fantastic," exclaimed Clinton. "That's right! And can you
    tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

    "Well," said the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident,
    and it certainly would be no great loss!"

    Bill Clinton's Valentines

    How do I love thee? Let me count the entries in the
    White House visitors' log.

    If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river
    and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a
    Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed
    would you use?

    Thank you, Bill Clinton.

    Thank you for allowing us to come to the realization that
    "sexual relations" is not clearly defined after all. And all
    these years, we all thought that "oral sex" really had
    something to do with sex! (Imagine!)

    Thank you for reintroducing the concept of
    "impeachment" to a new generation who missed the
    discussion surrounding it the last time it was brought up.

    Thank you for curing me of my addiction to the evening
    Thank you for reminding us that, when all is said and
    done, character really, really does matter.

    And, in comparison to recent days:

    Thank you for making Dan Quayle look like the Rhodes
    Thank you for making Jimmy Carter look competent.
    Thank you for making Gerald Ford look graceful.
    Thank you for making Richard Nixon look honest.
    Thank you for making Lyndon Johnson look truthful.
    Thank you for making John Kennedy look moral.
    Thank you for making Al Gore look positively
    Thank you for reminding us of the importance of term

    So, thank you, thank you, thank you!

    Women in Washington DC were asked if they would
    have sex with the President.
    86% said "Not again."

    Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were
    vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a
    venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill
    up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the
    station was once Hillary's high school love.

    They exchanged hellos and then the White House
    couple went on their way.

    As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put
    his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had
    stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service
    station owner."

    She smirked and replied, "No! If I had stayed with him,

    HE would be the President of the United States
    President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval
    Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.

    "What is it?" yells the President.

    "It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to
    do about it?" the aide asks.

    "Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.
    Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks
    down the steps off Air Force One with two pigs under his
    arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor
    guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back
    Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary."

    The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir."
    Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she
    was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things

    He said he was pleased and that she was in great
    shape, but that she was pregnant.

    She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that
    she most definitely was a month pregnant. Beside
    herself, she stormed out of the office and went to the
    receptionist, took the phone and called the White House.
    When the operator answered she said it was Hillary and
    she wanted to talk to Bill right away.

    The operator rang the oval office and Bill answered.
    Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten
    bastard? You got me pregnant!"

    The president remained silent.

    Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU

    Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"
    Bill Clinton has a dream in which he meets George
    Washington. He says, "George, tell me what I can do to
    make things better for the people."

    George Washington replies, "Lower the taxes."

    Clinton says, "I can't do that."

    The next night he dreams again. This time Thomas
    Jefferson is there.

    "Thomas Jefferson," Clinton says, "Tell me what I can do
    to make things better for the people."

    Jefferson replies, "Lower the taxes."

    Clinton says, "I can't do that."

    The next night he dreams again. This time Abraham
    Lincoln is there. "Abraham Lincoln," Clinton asks, "what
    can I do to make things better for the people?"

    Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."


    Clinton's Speech Translated

    Through the marvels of technology, we were able to use the new
    patented Bullcrap-Canceler 9000 to see what President Clinton was
    *really* trying to say in his August 17th Speech to the Nation.

    [Translated comments are in brackets.]

    "President Bill Clinton's Speech"

    Aug. 17, 1998

    CLINTON: Good evening.


    This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the
    Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

    [Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.]

    I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my
    private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

    [I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.]

    Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both
    public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

    [I got busted, and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.]

    As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about
    my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally
    accurate, I did not volunteer information.

    [I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a
    semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling
    the truth.]

    Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not

    [I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the

    In fact, it was wrong.

    [We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

    It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on
    my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

    [I was horny.]

    But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time
    did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any
    other unlawful action.

    [Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullshit...]

    I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a
    false impression.

    [I lied like a bitch.]

    I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

    [Guess who's not `getting any' tonight?]

    I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a
    desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

    [I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.]

    I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

    [Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of

    The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically
    inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration,

    [I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go
    this far.]

    In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent
    counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20
    years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal
    agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two
    years ago.

    [I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

    The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and
    friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself
    is under investigation.

    [I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught
    me with my hand in the cookie jar.]

    This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent

    [Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]

    Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most --
    my wife and our daughter -- and our God.

    [Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!]

    I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do

    [If you think I bull-crapped you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!]

    Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I
    intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business
    but ours.

    [The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances
    are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender,
    young meat.]

    Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of
    personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with
    our National life.

    [-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke
    Screen that's gone up...]

    Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I
    take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can

    [I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.]

    Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time, to move on.

    [Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!]

    We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real
    problems to solve, real security matters to face.

    [You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget

    And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past
    seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to
    return our attention to all the challenges and all the promises of the
    next American century.

    [Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab
    Nations a legitimate reason to use the term 'American Pigs,' and blown
    my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend
    like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.]

    Thank you for watching.

    [Sorry you had to see this.]

    And Good Night.

    [Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun!
    Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go
    somewhere safe!]


    3A. In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you better, we
    ask that you answer the following question:

    Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
    have realized that have helpd to define you as a person?


    I am a dynamic figure, often scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known
    to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the
    area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-
    winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

    Occansionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

    I woo women with my sensous god-like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles
    up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-Minute brownies in 20.
    I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.
    Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
    small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play
    bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
    documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I
    enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesday's, after school I repair electrical
    appliances free of charge.

    I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

    Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
    perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail. I have been caller number
    nine and have won weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
    travelling centrifugal demonstration. I bat 400.

    My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
    circles. Children trust me.
    I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once
    read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had
    time to refurbish an entire dinning room that evening. I know the exact location
    of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert
    operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
    While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists
    who had seized a small bakery.

    The laws of physics do not apply to me.

    I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let
    off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the
    meaning of life but forgotto write it down. I have made extraordinary four-
    course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

    I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving
    competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

    I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
    to Elvis.

    But I have not yet gone to college.

    (** The author of this piece was accepted and is now attendingNYU **)



    MIT: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
    "Have some fries."

    Caltech:"I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
    "Have some fries."

    Yale: "I got mugged on the way to class today."
    "Have some fries."

    Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
    "Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

    Swarthmore: "I got a B."
    "Anywhere else it would have been
    an A. Have some fries."

    Stanford: "Dude, I got a B."
    "Chill dude. Anywhere else it would have
    been a C. Have some fries."

    Princeton: "My father took away my porsche this weekend."
    "Poor dear. Have some escargot."

    Harvard:"Did you do anything this weekend?"
    "Nope. Have some fries."

    Williams:"Don't I know you?"
    "Of course you do, silly. Have some fries."

    Cornell: "I killed my lab partner this weekend."
    "Bummer. Have some fries."

    Vassar: "I'm so stressed and by the way, I'm gay."
    "Ditto. Have some fries."

    Columbia:"I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
    better school."
    "Me too. Let's go get shot."

    Penn: "I wish that I could be eating these fries at a
    better school."
    "Me too. Let's transfer to Columbia."

    Dartmouth:"Oh, man, I got so trashed this weekend. It was
    fuckin' awesome ..."
    "Have some beer."

    Smith:"God I'm desperate."
    "Me too. Have some fries."

    Tufts:"I wish I were Ivy league."
    "Here drink the fry grease."

    Bucknell: "Oh my God, I spilled beer all over my J.Crew
    "Here, look through mine. Have a Bison

    Boston College: "Huh, huh. It's cool being a rich idiot."
    "Yeah, yeah, have some fries."

    Emory: "You hear Duke won the NCAA basketball tournament?"
    "Listen dickhead - I told you NEVER to mention Duke
    - EVER!, give me a coke."

    Johns Hopkins: "I killed everyone in my orgo class this
    "Bummer. Have some fries."

    U. of Florida: "I hear another tourist got shot."
    "Yeah, sucks. Have another Bean Burrito."

    Georgetown: "I've got five mid-terms tomorrow."
    "Yeah, me too. Let's finish this keg and go
    laugh at the American U. students."

    Univ. Colorado, Boulder: "I O.D'd on Ecstasy last night."
    "Bummer. Pass the Ecstasy."

    William & Mary: "Damn, I wish I didn't have to wear this
    stupid colonial outfit."
    "Me too. Pass the glass-blowing

    U.S. Naval Academy: "Sure wish I had last year's final
    engineering exam."
    "No kidding. Pass this year's final
    engineering exam."

    Carnegie Mellon U.: "I sure wish we had some women here."
    "What are women? Have some vivarin."

    Wellesley: "God, I'm desperate." "Me, too. Pass the tea."

    Vanderbilt: "I didn't get into my sorority because my daddy
    doesn't make enough money."
    "Don't cry princess. Have some Baked Lays."

    Barnard: "I sure wish there were some men here." "Have a banana."

    Smith: "Oh my gosh! I love your hair."
    "Sorry, I'm straight.. Pass the fries."


    1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
    2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of
    which match.
    3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
    4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
    5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
    6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without
    7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value
    Meal Plastic Cups (ie. Olympic
    Dream Team I or II).
    8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between
    laundry loads.
    9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
    10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back
    of a pick-up (one trip).
    11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying
    Natural Light.
    12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over
    and introduce yourself.
    13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
    14. If you consider pizza one of the four major food
    15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds,
    and candy.
    16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
    17. Or play Warcraft.
    18. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live
    19. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic".
    20. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your
    student I.D. just so you could get that
    one dollar off at the movies.
    21. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep through your morning


    College Entrance Examination for Basketball Players
    Time Limit: 3 Weeks

    1. What language is spoken in France?

    2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
    particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
    conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

    3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
    (a) build a bridge
    (b) sail the ocean
    (c) lead an army or
    (d) WRITE A PLAY

    4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
    (a) Jewish
    (b) CATHOLIC
    (c) Hindu
    (d) Polish
    (e) Agnostic

    5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

    6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
    the 5?
    (a) Bed time
    (b) 5:00
    (c) am or pm?
    (d) Happy hour

    7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

    8. What are people in America's far north called?
    (a) Westerners
    (b) Southerners
    (d) foreigners

    9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton

    10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
    George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

    11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Macy's
    (b) a 7-11
    (c) Canada
    (d) THE SKY
    (e) Prince

    12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
    (c) He wasn't my relative

    13. What are coat hangers used for?

    14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

    15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- Just
    spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

    16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

    17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) New York
    (b) FLORIDA
    (c) Canada
    (d) Europe

    18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

    19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

    20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
    (a) B.C.
    (b) A.D.
    (c) still waiting

    *You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify


    College Life..

    Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Semester Burnout:

    10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
    9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream,
    "Get off my back, bitch!"
    8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing the Cookie
    Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
    7.You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep
    because you just don't care..
    6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
    5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory
    when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
    4. You sleep more in class than at home.
    3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.
    2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
    1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right

    College Habits to Bring Home

    1.Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
    2.Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
    3.Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
    4.Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
    5.Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
    6.Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
    7.Use your calling card when calling your friends.
    8.Walk to the post office to get your mail.
    9.Yell "FLUSH!"
    10.Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
    11.Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
    12.Take all your shower items to and from your room.
    13.Get dressed in the dark.
    14.Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
    15.Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
    16.Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
    17.Order pizza every Friday night.
    18.Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in
    a room by yourself.
    19.Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is
    too much extra space.
    20.Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss
    21.Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you don't want to
    go out.
    22.Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mail
    23.Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and
    pay phone in the house..

    send this to 5 people within 5 minutes or bad things might happen


    College Majors:

    1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read
    little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good
    grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody
    with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying
    Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big
    white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white
    whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is
    actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of
    reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are
    enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic
    interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

    2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there
    is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in
    philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

    3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists
    are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training
    a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my
    roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is
    now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about
    rats, you should major in psychology.

    4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away
    the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology
    courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read
    a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered
    scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious
    observations into scientific - sounding code. If you plan to major in
    sociology, you'll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose
    you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write:
    "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of
    prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between
    groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you
    can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government


    College Seniors vs. Freshman

    Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
    Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

    Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
    Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

    Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
    Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.

    Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
    Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."

    Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
    Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.

    Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
    Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.

    Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
    Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe...

    Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
    Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

    Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
    Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.

    Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
    Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

    Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
    Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

    Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
    Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.

    Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
    Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year

    Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
    Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm

    Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
    Senior: Calls Domino's every other night

    Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
    Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer

    Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions
    Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...

    Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
    Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

    Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
    Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

    Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
    Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class


    College Student Confessions

    Dear Mother and Dad:

    It has now been three months since I left for college. I have
    been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my
    thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you
    up-to-date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You
    are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...


    Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
    fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the
    window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my
    arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in
    the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get
    three headaches a day.

    Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
    witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and
    he was the one who called the Fire Department and the
    ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had
    nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
    enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really
    a basement room, but it is kind of cute.

    He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and
    are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet,
    but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes,
    Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
    looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will
    welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and
    tender care you gave me when I was a child.

    The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend
    has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our
    premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This
    will soon clear up with the penicillin injections we are taking
    daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open
    arms. He is kind, and, although not well educated, he is
    ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than
    ours, I know your expressed tolerance will not permit you to
    be bothered by these facts. I am sure you will love him as I do.
    His family background is good, too, for I am told that his
    father is an important gun bearer in the village from which he

    Now that I have brought you up-to-date, I want to tell you that
    there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
    skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I
    am not engaged, and I do not have syphilis...

    However, I am getting a "D" in history and an "F" in biology,
    and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

    Your loving daughter,



    Colored or Not?

    A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that
    he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a
    white man behind him. The white man said, "Colored people are not
    allowed here."

    The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:

    "When I was born I was black,"

    "When I grew up I was black,"

    "When I'm sick I'm black,"

    "When I go in the sun I'm black,"

    "When I'm cold I'm black,"

    "When I die I'll be black."

    "But you sir..."

    "When you're born you're pink,"

    "When you grow up you're white,"

    "When you're sick, you're green,"

    "When you go in the sun you turn red,"

    "When you're cold you turn blue,"

    "And when you die you turn purple."

    "And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!"

    The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
    Pass this on and help erase racism!


    The following are entries from a Washington Post contest in which
    readers were asked to combine the works of two authors and provide
    a suitable blurb:

    "Machiavelli's The Little Prince" -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery's
    classic children's tale as presented by Machiavelli. The whimsy of human
    nature is embodied in many delightful and intriguing characters, all
    of whom are executed. (Erik Anderson, Tempe, Ariz.)

    "Green Eggs and Hamlet" -- Would you kill him in his bed? /
    Thrust a dagger through his head? / I would not, could not, kill the
    King. / I could not do that evil thing. / I would not wed this girl,
    you see. / Now get her to a nunnery. (Robin Parry, Arlington)

    "Fahrenheit 451 of the Vanities" -- An '80s yuppie is denied books.
    He does not object, or even notice. (Mike Long, Burke)

    "2001: A Space Iliad" -- The Hal 9000 computer wages an insane
    10-year war against the Greeks after falling victim to the Y2K bug.
    (Joseph Romm, Washington)

    "Curious Georgefather" -- The monkey finally sticks his nose where it
    don't belong. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

    "The Hunchback Also Rises" -- Hideously deformed fellow is
    cloistered in bell tower by despicable clergymen. And that's the good
    news ... (John Verba, Washington)

    "The Maltese Faulkner" -- Is the black bird a tortured symbol of Sam's
    struggles with race and family? Does it signify his decay of soul
    along with the soul of the Old South? Is it merely a crow, mocking his
    attempts to understand? Or is it worth a cool mil? (Thad Humphries,

    "The Silence of the Hams" -- In this endearing update of the Seuss
    classic, young Sam-I-Am presses unconventional foodstuffs on his
    friend, Hannibal, who turns the tables. (Mark Eckenwiler, Washington)

    "Portnoy's Choice": A man is forced to choose between his right and
    left hand. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)***

    "Jane Eyre Jordan": Plucky English orphan girl survives hardships to
    lead the Chicago Bulls to the NBA championship. (Dave Pickering, Bowie)

    "Nicholas and Alexandra Nickleby" -- Having narrowly escaped a
    Bolshevik firing squad, the former czar and czarina join a troupe of
    actors only to find that playing the Palace isn't as grand as living in
    (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

    "Catch-22 in the Rye" -- Holden learns that if you're insane, you'll
    probably flunk out of prep school, but if you're flunking out of prep
    school, you're probably not insane. (Brendan Beary, Great Mills)

    "Tarzan of the Grapes" -- The beleaguered Okies of the dust bowl are
    saved by a strong and brave savage who swings from grapevine to
    grapevine. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

    "Where's Walden?" -- Alas, the challenge of locating Henry David
    Thoreau in each richly detailed drawing loses its appeal when it
    quickly becomes clear that he is always in the woods. (Sandra Hull,

    "Looking for Mr. Godot" -- A young woman waits for Mr. Right to enter
    her life. She has a looong wait. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

    "Rikki-Kon-Tiki-Tavi" -- Thor Heyerdahl recounts his attempt to prove
    Rudyard Kipling's theory that the mongoose first came to India on a
    raft from Polynesia. (David Laughton, Washington)

    "As I Lay Winesburg, Ohio" -- William Faulkner and Sherwood
    Anderson tell the unforgettable story of one man's ambitious quest to
    nail every woman in his home town. (Grady Norris, New Bern, N.C.)


    Computer Acronyms

    PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
    WWW - World Wide Wait
    COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
    CD-ROM - Consumer Device - Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
    MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
    WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
    MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools
    LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
    RISC - Reduced Into Silly Code
    SCSI - System Can't See It
    DOS - Defective Operating System
    BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    IBM - I Blame Microsoft
    DEC - Do Expect Cuts


    Computers male or female?

    A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor was very aware of
    the fact that that ships are addressed as 'she' and 'her'. He often
    wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that
    question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was
    comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to
    recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine
    gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons
    for their recommendation.

    The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
    in the masculine gender because:

    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
    they are the problem.

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
    a little longer, you could have had a better model.

    The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be
    referred to in the feminine gender because:

    1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
    is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
    later retrieval.

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

    5. The message, "Bad command or filename" , is about
    as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you,
    then I'm certainly not going to tell you."


    National Condom Week



    21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!


    A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the
    girl at checkout #3. He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"

    She says "Sure. What size are you?"

    "I don't know" he replies.

    "Well, just let me check" the cashier says. She unzips his pants,
    takes a feel, and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS

    They bring the condoms and the man pays for them and leaves. Then, a
    thirty year old man walks into the store and up to checkout #3. He asks
    the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"

    The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"

    He says "Well, I don't know."

    She says "Just let me check here." She unzips his pants, takes a
    couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE
    3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3." They bring the condoms and the man
    pays for them and leaves.

    Seeing this, a fifteen year old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to
    the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell
    any condoms here?"

    "Yep" she says. "What size do you need?"

    "I don't know" he says.

    She unzips his zipper for a feel, pauses and says over the intercom,


    Subject: Not So Sharp

    TICONDEROGA, N.Y. (AP) - A company is trying to erase an embarrassing
    mistake it made on pencils bearing an anti-drug message. The pencils
    carry the slogan: "Too Cool to Do Drugs." But a sharp-eyed
    fourth-grader in northern New York noticed when the pencils are
    sharpened, the message turns into "Cool to Do Drugs" then simply "Do
    Drugs." As a result of the discovery by 10-year-old Kodi Mosier of
    Ticonderoga Elementary School, The Bureau For At-Risk Youth of
    Plainview, recalled the pencils. A new batch of pencils will have the
    message written in the opposite direction. For pointing out the
    botched message, Moiser earned his class a letter of apology from the
    company and box full of T-shirts. ###


    The Corkscrew

    Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public
    lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's
    penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

    "Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

    "Like what?" Martin said.

    "All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

    "Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

    "Straight, like normal," Gary said.

    "I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin

    Gary finished what he was doing and started to give
    his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in
    his pants. "What did you do that for?" Martin said.

    "Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
    "&%$#@ !," Martin said. "And all these years I've been
    wringing it."


    This originated in the Philippines, and expounds on the Filipino love of


    Subject: Mga Kabaduyan

    Baka sakaling kailangan ninyo...

    H.O.L.L.A.N.D. - Hope Our Love Lasts And Never Dies.
    I.T.A.L.Y. - I Trust And Love You.
    L.I.B.Y.A. - Love Is Beautiful; You Also.
    F.R.A.N.C.E. - Friendships Remain And Never Can End.
    C.H.I.N.A. - Come Here.. I Need Affection.
    B.U.R.M.A. - Between Us, Remember Me Always.
    N.E.P.A.L. - Never Ever Part As Lovers.
    I.N.D.I.A. - I Nearly Died In Adoration.
    K.E.N.Y.A. - Keep Everything Nice, Yet Arousing.
    C.A.N.A.D.A. - Cute And Naughty Action that Developed into Attraction
    K.O.R.E.A. - Keep Optimistic Regardless of Every Adversity.
    E.G.Y.P.T. - Everything's Great, You Pretty Thing!
    R.U.S.S.I.A. - Romance Under the Sky & Stars is Intimate Always.
    M.A.N.I.L.A. - May All Nights Inspire Love Always.
    B.A.L.I.W.A.G. - Beauty And Love I Will Always Give.
    M.A.L.A.B.O.N. - May A Lasting Affair Be Ours Now.
    I.M.U.S. - I Miss U, Sweetheart.
    P.A.S.I.G. - Please Always Say I'm Gorgeous.
    C.E.B.U. - Change Everything... But Us.
    P.E.R.U. - Porget Everyone... Remember Us.
    P.A.R.A.N.A.Q.U.E. - Please Always Remain Adorable, Nice And Quiet Under
    T.O.N.D.O. - Tonight's Our Night, Dearest One.
    P.A.S.A.Y. - Pretty And Sexy Are You.
    Y.E.M.E.N. - 'Yugyugan Every Morning, Every Night.
    M.A.R.L.B.O.R.O. - Men Always Remember Love Because Of Romance Only..
    Y.A.M.A.H.A.. - You Are My Angel! Happy Anniversary!

    At ang pinaka.......

    P.H.I.L.I.P.P.I.N.E.S. - Pumping Hot...I Love It!...Please Please.. I Need
    Erotic Stimulation!



    At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
    Forensic Science, AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in
    San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

    On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and
    concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had
    jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left
    a note indicating his despondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was
    interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.
    Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been
    erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus
    would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

    Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide
    ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
    That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
    would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the
    fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical
    examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth
    floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by and elderly man and
    his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He
    was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and
    pellets went through the window striking Opus. When one intends to kill subject
    A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B.

    When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant
    that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long
    standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
    intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an
    accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

    The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son
    loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It
    transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son,
    knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the
    gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now
    becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

    There was an exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son, one
    Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his
    attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten- story
    building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story

    The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.


    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the band, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

    You have two cows.
    You go on strike because you want three cows.

    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

    You have two cows.
    You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

    You have two cows... both are mad.

    You have two cows... and the one on the left is kinda cute...


    Interesting Descriptions

    This Man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

    Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

    A room-temperature IQ.

    A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

    A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

    A prime candidate for natural deselection.

    Bright as Alaska in December.

    Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

    If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

    Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

    Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

    Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

    And finally....

    Men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.


    Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through
    Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a
    traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps
    onto the hood of the car and hissesat them, through the windshield.

    "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

    "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
    abomination," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he
    clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?"
    she shouts.

    "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in
    the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

    Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as
    the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at
    the nuns.

    "Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on.

    "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

    "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
    and shouts, ... "Get the Fuck off our car!! "


    A Crying Pregnant Blonde

    There were three women sitting in a doctor's office,
    a blond, a brunette, and a red-head. They were all pregnant.

    "I'm having a boy because I was on the bottom," said
    the brunette.

    "Well, I'm having a girl because I was on top," said
    the red-head.

    All of a sudden the blond started crying. They asked
    her what was wrong. "I'm having puppies," exclaimed the blond.


    Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a
    night with "the boys." He accepts and then tells his new
    bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

    Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going
    down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally
    stumbles home. Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock
    started, and cuckooed three times. Quickly he realized she'd
    probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine
    times to make her think it was midnight. He was really proud of
    himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a
    possible conflict.

    Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he
    tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!" Whew! Got away with that one!

    "Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her
    morning coffee.

    "Why is that?" the husband asks.

    "Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another
    four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its
    throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."


    Cure for Snoring

    By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

    "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

    "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

    "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

    The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."

    The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

    "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

    "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

    "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."



    On-line computer users often engage in what is
    affectionately known as "cyber sex." Often the fantasies typed into
    keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty
    raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers
    in the following transcript of an on-line chat doesn't seem to quite
    get the point of cyber sex.

    Then again, maybe he does...

    Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

    Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
    heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements
    are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

    Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
    a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also
    wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from smells funny.

    Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

    Wellhung: OK

    Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
    stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into
    your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and
    begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

    Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

    Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

    Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

    Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

    Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
    slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and

    Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
    hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

    Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

    Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

    Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
    My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

    Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
    stuck. Do you have any scissors?

    Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
    undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
    breast. My nipples are erect for you.

    Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
    the clasp.

    Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
    tongue all over me.

    Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
    breasts. They're neat!

    Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
    nibbling your ear.

    Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.

    Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
    my blouse.

    Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it
    with a

    Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
    hard tool.

    Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

    Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

    Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
    in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

    Sweetheart: What's the matter?

    Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

    Sweetheart: Are you OK?

    Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

    Sweetheart: Can I help?

    Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
    through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your

    Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

    Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

    Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

    Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

    Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

    Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
    And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.
    Where's the bedroom?

    Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

    Wellhung: I found it.

    Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so

    Wellhung: Me too.

    Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked
    bodies pressing each other.

    Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

    Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

    Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
    glasses on the night table.

    Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

    Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the
    room and toward the bathroom.

    Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

    Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around
    for the toilet. I lift the lid.

    Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

    Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
    but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

    Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

    Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
    Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling
    my way.

    Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

    Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put know know...woman's thing.

    Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

    Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
    your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

    Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
    it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

    Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

    Sweetheart: What?

    Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

    Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
    on my face.

    Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
    floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

    Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
    underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

    Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
    I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
    picture frames and your candles.

    Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

    Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God!
    One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm
    pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

    Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

    Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!



    This message wasn't written by the Dalai Lama. For more info see:

    Dalai Lama Millennium Message

    This is what The Dalai Lama has to say on the millennium, all it takes is
    a few seconds to read and think. Do not keep this message. The mantra
    must leave your hands within 96 hours. You will get a very pleasant
    surprise. This is true even if you are not superstitious.

    1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great

    2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

    3. Follow the three Rs:
    * Respect for self
    * Respect for others and
    * Responsibility for all your actions

    4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke
    of luck.

    5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

    6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

    7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct

    8. Spend some time alone every day.

    9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

    10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

    11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back,
    you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

    12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

    13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current
    situation. Don't bring up the past.

    14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

    15. Be gentle with the earth.

    16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

    17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each
    other exceeds your need for each other.

    18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

    19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.


    0-4 people: - Your life will improve slightly.
    5-9 people: -Your life will improve to your liking.
    9-14 people: - You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks.
    15 people and above: -Your life will improve drastically and everything
    you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
    Have A Nice Day!


    Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of
    you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards
    are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who
    did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves
    from it.

    GRAVITY KILLS A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead
    yesterday after he tried to use'occy' straps (the stretchy little
    ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot
    railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A.
    Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps
    together, wrapped an end around one foot anchored the other
    end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the
    pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
    investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found
    nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was
    greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
    Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was
    "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

    LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY Three young men in
    Oklahoma were enjoying the upcoming Fourth of July holiday
    and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their only real
    problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
    were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation
    storage tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited,
    producing a fireball seen for miles. They were launched several
    hundred feet into the air and were found dead 250 yards from
    their respective seats.

    lawyer and two buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in Texas
    when a lightning storm hit the lake. Most of the other boats
    immediately headed for the shore, but not our friend the lawyer.
    On the rear of his aluminum bass boat with his buddies, this
    individual stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion style) and
    shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to
    say, God delivered. The other two passengers on the boat
    survived the lightning strike with minor bums.

    CATCH A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal
    you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a
    candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a
    rattlesnake. You can guess what happened from here. The friend
    (a future Darwin Awards candidate) was hospitalized.

    given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless.
    You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by
    his cell phone... more or less. He was doing the usual "walking
    and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to
    somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you
    decide to drive and dial at the same time.

    GIMME A LIGHT In a west Texas town, employees in a medium-
    sized warehouse noticed the smell of gas. Sensibly,
    management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
    sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been
    evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
    dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had
    difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the
    lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the
    technicians reaching nto his pocket and retrieving an object that
    resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the
    gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three
    miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter
    was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician that
    was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought
    of as "bright" by his peers.

    RUNNER UP . . . A Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found
    himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's
    Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St.
    Petersburg, Russia, Mr. Demuth went overboard to show them
    one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the
    effectiveness of "Crazy Glue"... the hard way. Apparently, Mr.
    Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was,
    so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his
    hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing
    rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years,
    was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit
    since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its
    being involuntarily stuck to Mr. Demuth, it began to panic and ran
    around the petting area wildly making Mr. Demuth an unintended

    "Sally [the rhino] hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been
    very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some
    depressants to relax her bowels, when Mr.Demuth played his
    juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's
    tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
    number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede,
    three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for
    Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers' to remove
    his hands from her buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured
    and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives
    began to take hold and Mr. Demuth was repeatedly showered
    with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea.

    "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time
    shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you
    could say that Mr. Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she
    was under control, we had three people with shovels working to
    keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to
    tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her
    rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy
    Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously
    amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive.
    "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't
    take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the

    "For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a
    patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning" a
    spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South
    Africa) told reporters. "There was no apparent cause for any of
    the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system,
    and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any
    clues." "However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause
    of these deaths...

    "It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter
    the ward, remove the plug that powered the patient's life support
    system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go
    about her business. When she had finished her chores, she
    would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware
    that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the
    death rattle and eventual the solid beep over the whirring of her

    "We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in
    question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department
    is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there
    should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now
    closed." (Cape Times).

    This year's winner is ..... True Story From Michigan, USA.
    (Nothing this absurd could be fiction!) Guy buys a brand new
    Grand Cherokee for $30,000+, & has $400.00+ in monthly
    payments. He's pretty proud of this rig, & gets a hold of his friend
    to do some male bonding with the new ride. They go duck
    hunting & of course all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic
    Brains go to the lake with their guns, the dog, the beer & of
    course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the ice.

    Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area to
    attract ducks-something the decoys will float on. Remember it's
    all ice, & in order to make a hole large enough to interest a flock
    of ducks-a hole big enough to entice ducks to land-they needed
    to use a little more than an ice fishing hole drill. Sooooo, out of
    the back of the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee comes a stick
    of dynamite with a short 40-second fuse. To their credit, these
    two rocket scientists DID take into consideration that if they
    placed the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from
    where they (& the new Grand Cherokee) would be waiting & ran
    back quickly, they would risk slipping on the ice as they ran from
    the imminent explosion & could possibly go up in smoke with the
    resulting blast.

    After a little deliberation, they come up with a brilliant idea -- &
    THROWING the dynamite, which is what they end up doing.
    Remember a couple of paragraphs back, I mentioned the
    vehicle, the beer, the guns &THE DOG ???? Yes, the dog. The
    driver's pet Black Lab (used for retrieving-especially things
    thrown by the owner). You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high
    rate of doggy speed on the ice, reaching the stick of dynamite
    with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice - all
    to the woe of the two idiots which are now yelling, stomping feet,
    waving arms & wondering what the heck to do now. The dog is
    happy & now heads back toward the "hunters" with the stick of

    I think we all can picture the ever-increasing concern on the part
    of the brain trust, as the loyal Labrador Retriever approaches.
    The Bozos now are REALLY waving their arms-yelling even
    louder & generally feeling kinda panicked. Now finally one of the
    guys decides to think - something that neither had done before
    this moment, grabs a shotgun & shoots the dog. This sounds
    better than it really is, because the shotgun was loaded with #8
    duck shot & hardly effective enough to stop a Black Lab. The
    dog DID stop for a moment, slightly confused, but then continued
    on. Another shot, & this time the dog-still standing, became
    REALLY confused & of course scared. Thinking that these two
    Nobel Prize Winners have gone TOTALLY insane, the pooch
    takes off to find cover with a now extremely short fuse still
    burning on the stick of dynamite. The cover the dogs finds?
    Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee worth 30-some
    thousand dollars - the $400.00+ monthly payment vehicle that is
    sitting nearby on the lake ice.


    Dog dies, what's left of the vehicle sinks to bottom of lake, &
    these two "Co- Leaders of the Known Universe" are left standing
    there with this "I can't believe this happened to me" look on their
    faces. Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance
    company & is promptly informed that sinking a vehicle in a lake
    by illegal use of explosives is NOT covered on his policy. He had
    yet to make his first car payment.
    When you pass through the waters, I will be with you, And
    through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk
    through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn
    you. Isaiah 43:2


    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his
    neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the
    rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked,
    "What are you up to there, Tim?"

    "My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking
    up, "and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole
    for a goldfish, isn't it?"

    Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
    "That's because he's inside your freakin' cat!"


    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
    across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it,
    but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The
    driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over
    and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a
    man crying on the side of a road and pulls over. She steps out
    of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and
    killed it."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls
    out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends
    down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

    The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
    off down the road.

    Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again,
    he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops
    another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and
    again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished.

    He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can?"
    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the
    label. It says . .

    (Are you ready for this?)

    (Are you sure?)

    (This is bad!)

    (You know you could just click off and not read the punchline)

    (You know your gonna be sorry)

    (Last chance)

    (OK, here it is)

    ... It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds
    permanent wave."


    Dear Dr. Laura,

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show; and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle; for example; I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you; however; regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

    a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice; I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

    b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery; as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age; what do you think would be a fair price for her?

    c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is; how do I tell? I have tried asking; but most women take offense.

    d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves; both male and female; provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans; but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

    e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

    f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10); it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

    g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20; or is there some wiggle room here?

    h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed; including the hair around their temples; even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

    i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean; but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

    j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field; as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread. (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16). Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

    I know you have studied these things extensively; so I am confident you can help.

    Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.


    Do you realize that every year, hundreds of thousands of people suffer
    from a condition commonly known as "death"?

    That's right. In fact, death is THE NUMBER ONE leading cause of loss of
    life in America today!!!!!

    If you would like to help stop this horrible travity, SEND THIS TO

    If more people die, its your own fault!

    Thank You,

    Jason Ho


    Jake was on his deathbed. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by
    his side. She held his fragile hand; tears ran down her face. Her
    praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began
    to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.

    "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh.... don't talk."

    He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something
    I must confess to you."

    "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
    right, go to sleep."

    "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
    friend, and your mother."

    "I know," answered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."


    Nick & Dave's Detailed Analysis of Wannabe

    The first thirty seconds or so of this song can be wound up as such:

    Yo, I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want

    The Spice Girls continually ask each other what they want, without recieving an
    answer. Why don't they ask someone who might give them a straight answer,
    instead of each other, who seem unable to do this? Probably because the average
    answer would be something along the lines of "I really really want you to shut
    the fuck up."

    The next point of interest in the song is a somewhat baffling one, when we
    finally recieve the answer to Tell me what you want. It is:

    I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig

    Obviously they wanna "zigazig ha." But as yet, linguistic scholars have not been
    able to work out what the phrase "zigazig ha" actually means. It is not contained
    anywhere within the twenty four volumes of the Complete Oxford English
    Dictionary, nor can it be found in the vocabularies of some of the worlds least
    used dialects including Ancient Sanskrit, Waorani Amazonian, or Scottish
    Gaelic. Perhaps it is some funny midlands expression that the world is yet to
    discover. (Nick remembers reading somewhere that one of the girls is quoted as
    saying something like "I'm really an alien from outer space." This may help.)
    However, it is possible to deduce the meaning by looking at the rest of the
    sentence. We find that "zigazig ha" is an action which they want to perform.
    Thus, we worked out that the most likely possible meanings were:

    I really really really wanna learn some new words other than "wanna" and

    I really really really wanna find someone that won't keep asking me to "get to
    the point" when I'm telling them what I really really want.

    I really really really wanna watch Ninja Turtles 2 again so I can learn more
    about how to rap.

    I really really really wanna visit a speech therapist.

    I really really really wanna have people think that I am an African-American
    from Los Angeles and not an Anglo-Saxon from the East Midlands of England.

    The chorus, which can be summed up as:

    If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.

    had members of the Christian Coalition burning the CD because of its "sexual
    immorality". However, we believe this is a superficial interpritation which does
    not capture the true meaning of the chorus. Rather, "get with my friends" means:
    "give me and my friends a recording contract". 'Nuff said.

    The next part of the song relates to the commitments involved (if you wanna be
    my lover...), ending with,

    If you really bug me, then I'll say goodbye.

    This calls for protest. The Spice Girls have bugged the whole world for the past
    year with their constant streme of mindless drival over the FM radio stations,
    and now they say, "If YOU really bug ME"! Are they saying that in the United
    Kingdom, which has a population of about 60 million, there is actually someone
    who annoys people more than they do? I'd like to see that!

    Next the first parts of the song and chorus are repeated, and then comes the most
    tragic part of the song: the "rap." I have never been a huge fan of rap, but like
    most people, I recognise it as one of the latest chapters in a great musical history
    of black Americans' defiance of oppression. The Spice Girls have taken that, and
    turned it into a pathetic story about their friends (sung in a code which no-one
    but themselves can understand), and sung in a pissy glish-trying-to-be-
    American-and-failing-dismaly accent. It is quite clear that there has never been a
    drive-by shooting in Nottingham, though, if this continues to be played on the
    radio stations, there may be one soon...

    The final part of the song is somewhat confusing, the gist of it being:

    If you wanna be my lover, you gotta slam your body down and wind it all

    This is a clear admission that you will be writhing in agony if exposed to the
    influence of the Spice Girls for a polonged period. In fact, we already are.



    25.In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.

    24.No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college food
    must be provided at an event fore students will come.

    23.In high school, you carry your book bag on one shoulder. In
    college you carry your book bag on both shoulders.

    22.In college professors can tell you the answer without looking at
    the teacher's guide.

    21.In college there are no 'Tardy Slips'

    20.In high school you live with your parents. In college you live
    with your friends.

    19.In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be

    18.Only nerds e-mailed in high school because the cool kids 'didn't
    know what it was'.

    17.In high school you're told what classes to take. In college you
    get to choose, that is as long as the
    classes don't conflict, that you have the prerequisites, that the
    classes aren't closed, and that you have paid your tuition.

    16.In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your
    way out of it. In college, you're
    lucky to ever talk to the professor.

    15.In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration.
    In college, the fire drills are
    planned by drunk fraternity guys coming home when the bars have
    finally stopped serving them.

    14.In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your
    grade that your high school final exams ever did.

    13.In high school, when the teacher said "Good Morning" you mumbled
    something back. In college, when the teacher says "Good Morning", you
    write it down.

    12..In high school, freshmen guys hit on senior girls. In college,
    senior guys hit on freshmen girls.

    11.In college, the weekends start on Thursday. (WOOHOO!!)

    10.In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
    schedule of that man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out
    where he/she will be on campus at a certain time so you can
    accidentally' bump into him/her.

    9.Once you've obtained the info in #10, its much more time-consuming
    to run between classes to that place where you know he/she will be to
    'accidentally' bump into them.

    8.In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three
    meals a day.

    7.In high school you drink Coca Cola. In college you dilute Vodka.

    6.In high school it never took three weeks to get money from mom and
    dad to go on a date.

    5.College men are 'hot' while high school BOYS are 'cute'.

    4.College women are legal. (WOOHOO!!)

    3.In college, when you miss a class, you don't need a slip from your
    parents saying you were skipp-... uh, sick that day.

    2.In high school you can't go off campus for lunch because it is not
    allowed. In college you can't go off campus for lunch because you
    can't afford it.

    1.In high school, people that were on drugs, drank, were zoned-out,
    had untidy clothes or hair were called dorks. In college they're
    called 'cool'.


    Abraham Lincoln Rhyme

    Abraham Lincoln was a good old man.
    He hopped out the window with his Dick in hand.
    He said, "Excuse me ladies, just doing my duty
    so why not pull down your pants and give me some booty."


    Mary Mary Rhyme

    Mary Mary quite contrary shaved her pussy cause it was so damn hairy.


    Row Your Boat Song

    Roll, roll, roll your joint
    twist it at the end,
    take a puff,
    that's enough
    and pass it to a friend.


    Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill Rhyme

    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    to smoke some marijuana,
    Jack got high,
    unzipped his fly,
    and Jill said "I don't wanna"

    Jack and Jill went up the hill
    to have a little fun.
    Stupid Jill
    forgot her pill
    and now they have a son.


    I'm A Little Penis Rhyme

    I'm a little penis,
    Long and hard,
    If you want to see it,
    Come in my yard,
    When I get all horny,
    Then I spurt,
    Push me in,
    And pull me out!


    Jack Rhyme

    Jack be nimble
    Jack be quick
    Jack burnt off his little Dick!


    Mother Hubbard Rhyme

    Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
    to fetch her poor dog a bone.
    But when she bent over,
    Rover took over
    And the bitch got a bone of her own!


    Peter Peter Rhyme

    Peter peter pumpkin eater
    had a wife loved to beat her
    smacked her twice across the head
    fucked her ass and went to bed


    Mary Had A Little Lamb Rhyme

    Mary had a little lamb
    she kept it in her back yard
    when she took her panties off
    his wooly dick got hard


    Hickory Dickory Dock

    Hickory Dickory Dock
    The bitch was suckin my cock
    The clock struck two
    I dropped my goo
    And dropped the bitch off at the next block!


    Little Boy Blue

    Little boy blue,
    he needed the money.


    Little Bow Peep

    Little bow peep fucked a sheep
    blew a horse, licked his feet,
    she ate his ass so very nice
    tongued his balls not once but twice.


    Dispelling Sexual Myths

    A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks
    up and noticesthe most beautiful woman he has ever seen
    boarding the plane.

    He is very nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking
    down theaisle toward him.When she takes the seat right
    next to him, he is anxious to begin aconversation. He asks,
    "Where are you flying to today?" She responds, "To the
    annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."

    He is CRAZED with excitement! Here is a gorgeous
    woman sitting nextto him, and she's going to a meeting of
    nymphomaniacs!"And what do you do at this meeting?"
    he asks."Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the
    popular myths aboutsexuality."

    "And what myths are those?" he continues desperately.

    She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African
    American men arethe most endowed, when in fact, it is the
    Native American man who ownsthis trait. Also, it is widely
    believed that the Frenchman is the bestlover, when
    actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best

    "Very interesting..." the man responds.

    Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and
    blushes. "I'm sorry,"she says, "I just feel so awkward
    discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
    What is your name?"

    The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto


    Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends.
    You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you
    wish you had ordered that.

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
    "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

    Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
    And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

    Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

    A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

    Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listen.

    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

    It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

    A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
    "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
    The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire."

    Marriage is a three ring circus. The wedding ring,
    the engagement ring, and suffering.

    Why is a wedding dress always white?
    So the dishwasher goes with the stove and the


    The next time you have a bad day at work or on the golf course...think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

    "Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother... Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my experience with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

    "Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

    "Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

    "Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

    "I informed the dive supervisor of my problem over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

    "When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my asshole was swollen shut."

    So, next time you're having a bad day at work, or on the golf course, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.


    Does God Still Speak To Men?

    A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The
    Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's
    voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder,"Does God still
    speak to people?"

    After service, he went out with some friends for coffee and pie
    and they discussed the message. Several different ones talked
    about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten
    o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his
    car, he just began to pray, "God.. If you still speak to people
    speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."

    As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the
    strangest thought..."Stop and buy a gallon of milk." He shook
    his head and said out loud, "God, is that you?"

    He didn't get a reply and started on toward home.

    But, again the thought, "Buy a gallon of milk." The young man
    thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the voice of
    God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that
    is you, I will buy the milk."

    It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always
    use the milk.

    He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off
    toward home. As he passed Seventh street, he again felt the urge,
    "Turn down that street."

    This is crazy he thought and drove on pass the intersection.
    Again, he felt that he should turn down seventh street. At the
    next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half
    jokingly, he said out loud,

    "Okay, God, I will." He drove several blocks, when suddenly,
    he felt like he should stop.

    He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in a semi-
    commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the
    worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and
    most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in
    bed. Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the
    people in the house across the street."

    The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked
    like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He
    started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat. "Lord,
    this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up,
    they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt
    like he should go and give the milk.

    Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go
    to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look
    like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that
    will count for something but if they don't answer right away, I
    am out of here."

    He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear
    some noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What
    do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man
    could get away.

    The man was standing there in his jeans and t-shirt. He looked
    like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and
    he didn't seem to happy to have some stranger standing on his
    doorstep. "What is it?"

    The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought
    this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hall way
    speaking loudly in Spanish. Then, from down the hall, came a
    woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was
    following her holding a baby. The baby was crying.

    The man had tears streaming down his face. The man began
    speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some
    big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have
    any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to
    show me how to get some milk."

    His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel
    with some... Are you an Angel?" The young man reached into
    his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in
    the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and
    the tears were streaming down his face.

    He knew that God still answers prayers and that God still speaks
    to His people. Do Ya ?
    .~ '~.
    ,_ / }
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    '._'/ |_ _{@}
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    If you love Jesus, send this to ten people and the person that sent
    it to you!!!!!!!!



    I love my master;
    Thus I perfume myself with
    This long-rotten squirrel.

    I lie belly-up
    In the sunshine, happier than
    You ever will be

    Today I sniffed
    Many dog behinds-I celebrate
    By kissing your face.

    I sound the alarm!
    Paper boy-come to kill us all
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I sound the alarm!
    Garbage man-come to kill us all
    Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

    I lift my leg and
    Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot--
    Sniff this and weep!

    How do I love thee?
    The ways are numberless as
    My hairs on the rug.

    My human is home!
    I am so ecstatic I have
    Made a puddle

    I Hate my choke chain
    Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
    Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

    Sleeping here, my chin
    On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
    Maybe catching rats

    Look in my eyes and
    Deny it. No human could
    Love you as much I do

    The cat is not all
    Bad -- she fills the litter box
    With Tootsie Rolls

    Dig under fence -- why?
    Because it's there. Because it's
    There. Because it's there.

    I am your best friend,
    Now, always, and especially
    When you are eating.

    You are my stamp pad
    The mud I rolled in makes nice
    Patterns on white shirts.

    Squirrels, birds, and cats
    Run everywhere, taunting me
    I must chase them all.

    It is morning now
    I lick your sleeping face
    Wake up - play with me!

    I see my owner
    Thus I must take wing and fly
    Is my name "Down, girl!"?


    Dogs and Computers

    * Favorite Food
    Dogs: kibbles
    Computers: bits

    * Method used to end undesirable behavior
    Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
    Computers: hit control-alt-delete

    * After destruction of personal property
    D: dog not found
    C: file not found

    * Favorite trick
    D: roll over
    C: play dead

    * Comic-page hero
    D: Dogbert
    C: Dilbert

    * Fun way to mess with their heads
    D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
    C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

    * Consequence of virus
    D: replace valuable carpeting
    C: replace valuable data

    * Widely ignored government mandate
    D: leash law
    C: Communications Decency Act

    * Waste disposal tool
    D: pooper-scooper
    C: uninstaller
    (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)

    * Sensitive internal procedures
    D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
    C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed
    "one kind-of like this" once

    * Method of marking territory
    D: lifting leg
    C: "Designed for Windows 95"

    * Unique behavior
    D: lick and drag
    C: click-and-drag

    * Inexplicable physical feature
    D: dewclaw
    C: scroll lock key

    * Estimated lifespan
    D: 12 years
    C: 12 months

    * At end of useful life
    D: euthanasia
    C: tax deduction


    One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

    He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

    A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

    As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

    Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

    Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

    1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

    2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

    3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

    4. Give more.

    5. Expect less

    NOW --------

    Enough of that crap . .

    The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


    When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

    you have two and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.

    I know what I did!!


    The inventor of dormitories . . . let's find him, make him pay for the
    travesties he's visited on America's youth, and force him to listen to
    Matchbox 20. Can't you see him designing these hellish stacks of humanity
    many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands triumphantly and said,
    "It shall be like the projects with less violence and more marijuana!" He
    then took lumber and Elmer's Paste, as it is often called, to create these
    pet-carrier-sized rooms that we live in. You wanna know why people from the
    projects hardly ever go to college? It's because they don't want to leave
    their lush surroundings.
    The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the Latin term for
    sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to do. You
    have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be done. The
    luckier students have space to scratch their asses but the windows have to
    be open and their roommates have to be gone for the weekend. When you go
    home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and you can romp around in the
    bathroom like a horny antelope. I can't imagine the kids who brought
    everything they own to the dorm. I brought like a condom and a sock.
    Next semester I hope to have a towel and the other sock. I also need a new
    Forget having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus. I
    think it's a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened to him.
    Let's just say his floor mates never saw him awake again. I feel like I'm a
    member of the national insomnia coalition. Our agenda involves a lot of
    Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on TV. It's like this strange
    pseudo-vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you stay up late enough they
    play the Tonight Show over again and it still isn't funny?
    No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every night at 2 in
    the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to go to the vending
    machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of salmonella. People
    have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really encompasses my mood
    at 5 AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it would seem hard-core at 5 in
    the morning. It doesn't matter because you still can't get an open clothes
    dryer minutes before sunrise. There's like this one chick who's always tying
    up an entire dryer with like one pair of panties. I let it slide because it
    gives me an opportunity to watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is
    when she turns out to be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry
    basket. Not that the dryers work anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get
    it drier than the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry
    jeans? Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.
    So what if you want to leave the dorm? Get ready for a chore. You'll
    need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses, insulin, a snake
    bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian translator (Miami
    students---you know what that's all about). Then you have to go walking
    through the building kissing the asses of all the dweebs you live with and
    holding the door for anyone in the same county. What's with the door-holding
    policy? Like opening a door requires a spotter. If you've got arms, a
    coordinated foot, or useful nub, open your own Goddamn door. No matter
    where you go you have to use these gerbil-on-a-wheel elevators. I could
    climb up the side of the building with a corpse tied to my johnson in less
    time than it takes for the door to close. Then you have to fucking march for
    miles from your dorm which is conveniently placed on fucking opposite side
    of the campus from any building that is fucking remotely important. People
    on roller blades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to clothesline but
    tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just below medically
    retarded Nazis. It must be explained to them that skateboards were cool when
    we were 11 and even then they weren't that cool.
    Where are you headed? Probably to get something to eat at the dining
    hall. The only dish they haven't fucked up is
    Lucky Charms. I think the university supplies them with a blender and
    unlimited horse meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to
    making the menu fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and
    buck-toothed lunch ladies proudly announce, "Yesterday we had chicken nuggets
    and today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated to
    the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they have
    nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it. You can have extra
    blue in yours.." And the ladies (who really seem to love livin' in the
    exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on a toothpick.
    You can't just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for "more than the
    offensive line could consume this semester." Then you get a second blue
    nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the first week? Now the
    potato bar makes you homicidal.
    (What are bacon flavored bits made of?)
    Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite, which is
    a pretty cruel manipulation of the English
    language. I get to spend time with the closet case that the boarding office
    apparently found compatible with me. He's like Chewbacca's considerably
    less attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of
    the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most people
    get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives while he
    watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what it's like to go
    outside (also mine). My suite mates next door live an intensely Rastafarian
    lifestyle. In an attempt to put Cheech and Chong to shame, their bong is a
    centerpiece of the room that they clean with wadded textbook pages. They
    smoke to Bob Marley at 5 AM on Wednesday nights which is a little too
    hardcore but you have to love their dedication to the sport.
    End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. It's as big as a tupperware
    container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking hot, and
    nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the temperature
    goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few minutes. I swear it is
    connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the toilet at home last week
    and I called him to tell him to be a little more considerate. The bathroom
    is as clean as any fast food restaurant urinal cake and after the average
    college student cleans the shitter with a bottle of Vodka it's as clean as
    any bus station. I've given up on cleaning the bathroom and I'm disinfecting
    myself. A quick spray down with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and
    repellent to several bacteria.
    Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes coming
    from under the bathroom door because they never share. The "best days of
    your life" will be over soon.


    Kenneth Starr (holding a sign that says "Starr I Are"):

    I'm here to ask,
    As you'll soon see,
    Did you grope
    Miss Lewinsky?

    Did you grope her
    in your house?
    Did you grope
    beneath her blouse?

    I did not do that
    here or there--
    I did not do that

    I did not do that
    near or far--
    I did not do that

    Did you smile?
    Did you flirt?
    Did you peek
    beneath her skirt?

    And did you tell
    The girl to lie
    When called upon
    To testify?

    I do not like you
    I think that you
    Have gone too far!

    I will not answer
    Any more...
    -- Perhaps I will go
    Start a war!

    (The public's easy
    to distract--
    when bombs are
    falling on Iraq!)


    Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
    A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

    Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
    same time?
    A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns
    don't kill people. I do."

    Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
    A: Your car.

    Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
    A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

    Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
    A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

    Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
    A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

    Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
    A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

    Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing
    yellow traffic light?
    A: The color.

    Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
    A: Heavy psychedelics.

    Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
    A: Carry loaded weapons.

    Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
    A: It would be tough to eat doughnuts all day long.



    At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.

    About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks.

    "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

    Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

    The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

    "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"



    A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator,
    there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"
    (letters only).

    He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

    She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

    He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

    The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as
    sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

    The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,

    The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
    Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

    The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

    51 DAYS

    A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open
    and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles
    of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
    The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and
    chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up
    their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more
    blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days,
    51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her
    arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table
    erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
    high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender
    can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the
    center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the
    frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all
    the chanting and celebration about?"

    The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
    are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten
    of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of the box
    said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"


    Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the
    lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the
    shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

    "We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

    "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden.

    "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets
    at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

    The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe
    magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said
    the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game
    Warden left.

    As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started
    laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
    other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead in this river?!"


    A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the
    middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the
    rabbit jumpted in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man
    as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see
    what had become of the rabbit.

    Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began
    to cry. A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the
    side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man
    what was wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

    The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car
    trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and
    sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to
    life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
    Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again,
    hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50
    feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in
    the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded,

    "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman
    turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:

    "Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."

    Send it to:

    1 person-your crush will finally know you exist on planet earth
    2 people- your crush is interested in knowing more about you(and the above)
    3 people- your crush thinks you're cute(and the above)
    4 people- your crush will try to talk to you(and the above)
    5 people- your crush will call you(and the above)
    6 people- your crush will ask you to dance at the next dance(and the above)
    7 people- your crush will ask you out(and the above)
    8 people- your crush will ignore all other cute guys/girls who flirt with
    him/her(and the above)
    9 people- more guys/girls will like you, including cute ones(and the above)

    And NO, you won't get bad luck or anything if you don't send it on, but at least
    try to pass the humor on. I mean, isn't this better than the ones that help people
    with cancer???


    Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers
    Journal, the following are questions actually asked of
    witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
    given by insightful witnesses:

    1."Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    2."The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    3."Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    4."Were you alone or by yourself?"

    5."Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the

    6."Did he kill you?"

    7."How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    8."You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    9."How many times have you committed suicide?"

    10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

    15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

    16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which was sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
    A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did
    you go to?"
    A: "Oral."

    19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
    an autopsy."

    20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

    21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
    check for a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
    when you began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
    practicing law somewhere."


    Christmas is for everyone....

    Do you Hear What I Hear?

    We Three Queens Disoriented Are

    I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

    Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

    Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
    Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants

    Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

    You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you

    Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
    Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
    Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
    Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
    Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
    Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
    Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
    Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle
    Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
    Bell, Jingle Bell Rock
    ............(better start again)

    On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me(and then took it all

    Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire


    An Illinois man left the streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.
    His wife, on a business trip and was planning to meet him the next day.
    When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
    Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
    address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

    Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed
    instead to an elderly preacher's wife,
    whose husband had passed away only the day before.

    When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
    monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

    At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
    on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
    tomorrow. Your Loving Husband.

    P.S: Sure is hot down here.


    One day God was looking down on earth and saw all of the evil that was
    going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So,
    he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she
    returned she told God; yes it is bad on earth, 95% of the people are bad
    and 5% are good.

    He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male
    Angel to get both points of view. So, He called a male angel and sent him
    to earth to see what he could find. When the angel returned, he went to
    God and told him, yes, the earth was in decline, 95% of the people are bad
    and 5% are good.

    God said, "This is not good!" So he decided to send an e-mail to the 5%
    that were good and encourage and strengthen them. Something that would
    help them keep the faith and keep going.

    Do you know what that e-mail said? ? ? ? ?
    ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
    ? ? ?

    Oh, you didn't get one either??????????


    Ebonics Christmas:

    'Twas da night befo' Christmas & all in the hood,
    Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.
    The tube socks was hung on the window sill
    and we all had smiles up on our grill.
    Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib
    in the back bedroom, cuz that's how we live.
    And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine,
    had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.

    All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
    Bumpin' phat beats cuz the system's fly.
    I bounced to the window at a quarter pas'
    'Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody's ass!
    well anyway....

    I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
    She said, Stop frontin' & just mind yo' bidness.
    I said, for real doe, come check dis out.
    We weren't even buggin', no worries, no doubt.
    Cuz bumpin' an thumpin' from around da way
    Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.

    Da beats was kickin', da ride was phat
    I said, "Yo red Dawg, you all that!"
    He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
    "Ay yo, give it up, let's make some noise!"
    To the top of the projects & across the strip mall,
    We gots ta go, I got a booty call!"

    He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
    and sippin' on a 40, he busted a move.

    I yelled up to Santa, "Yo ain't got no stack!"
    he said, "Damn homie, deese projects is wack!
    But don't worry black, cuz I gots da skillz
    I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz."
    Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
    a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
    He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat,
    and busted the window wit' a b-ball bat.

    I said, "Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?"
    he said,"You best get on up out my face!"
    His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
    His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.

    He dropped down the duffle, Clippers logo on the side.
    Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
    A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
    He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof
    He jumped in his hooptie wit' rims made of chrome,
    To tap that big booty waitin' at home.

    And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
    was a loud and hearty.....
    "WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!"


    Preacher & Peanuts

    One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
    As he is sitting there talking with her, he
    notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
    front of him.

    'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks
    the lady.

    'Help yourself,' she replies.

    After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up
    to leave and notices that he has eated almost all
    of the peanuts in the bowl.

    'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
    only meant to eat a few.'

    'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my
    teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the
    chocolate off of them.'


    Dumb Faith

    A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come
    up. The water starts rising, and before you know
    it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered.
    Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.
    Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to
    save you. Get in the boat.'

    Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that
    God will save me.'

    The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy
    is forced up the second floor of his house by the
    flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in
    the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If
    you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.'

    From the second floor window the guy says,
    'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll
    save me.'

    The boat leaves. Water's rising. The
    guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead
    and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last
    chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come
    now you're going to drown.'

    The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will
    save me.'

    The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The
    water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly
    gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've
    been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he
    would save me. Why did he let me down?'

    And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you
    want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'


    A cop pulls a man over. The driver asks the cop why you pull me over.
    "because you were speeding!"

    "no I wasnt"

    "yes you were"

    "no i wasnt"

    etc. etc. etc. back and forth. Finally the cop is really pissed and asks
    the mans wife, "o.k. Ma'me you settle this, was your husband speeding or

    "Officer I have been married to this man for 30 years and the one
    thing Ive learned is never to argue with him when hes drunk!""


    A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
    the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man

    "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
    really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
    We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
    got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
    want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young
    man makes his purchase and leaves.

    Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
    parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
    begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
    leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious

    He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a


    It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
    carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
    whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
    him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
    presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
    handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
    woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
    through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
    stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
    love he had ever experienced.

    When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
    breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
    fresh-squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
    she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
    cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
    "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my
    husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do
    something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
    He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.


    The was a man who was exploring parts of Tibet when he came upon a ship
    with all sorts af strange antiques. He found a strange statue of a
    bronze mouse that he had to have. The old storekeeper told him "$10,000
    for the mouse and $10,000 for the story behind it."

    The man told him that he would just take the mouse. As he left out of
    the shop, he noticed several mice following him. He nervously picked up
    his pace and started to walk faster. Each block he walked more and more
    mice came out of the woodwork to follow him. By the time he started to
    run there were thousands of mice running after him. He came to the river
    and heaved the bronze mouse into the river - all the mice that were
    following him also jumped into the river.

    When the man returned to the shop where he bought the bronze mouse, the
    storekeeper said "Ahh, so I see you have some to hear the story after

    The man replied, "Actually, I came to see if you have a bronze lawyer"


    6 reasons computers must be female

    1) No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.
    2) As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
    3) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
    future reference.
    4) The native language used to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to every one else.
    5) The message, "bad command or file name", is about as informative as
    "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
    tell you"
    6) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.


    Spare Parts

    Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
    left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
    Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
    had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
    thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
    tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

    Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
    to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
    please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
    When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let
    it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that
    gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

    On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just
    smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
    really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
    that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
    given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well,

    "Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
    "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."


    Election Logic Applied to Baseball

    NEW YORK (AP) -- The New York Mets announced today that they are
    going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of
    game 5 of the World Series.

    The batting, pitching, and bench coaches for the Mets held a press
    conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the
    Major League Players Union. "We meant to hit those pitches from
    the Yankee pitchers," said the Mets batting coach. "We were
    confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received and
    believe we have been denied our right to hit."

    One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets
    batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at
    curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to
    swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not
    confused by the pitches.

    Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had
    extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the
    World Series and had in fact faced the Yankees in inter-league
    play earlier in the year. "The fact remains that some of the
    pitches confused us and denied us of our right to hit," said
    the Mets batting coach. "The World Series is not over yet and the
    Yankees are celebrating prematurely." Major League Baseball has
    reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted
    the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game. "While
    some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls,
    there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World
    Series," the commissioner said.

    Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-
    base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series,
    regardless of the final scores of the games. "It's clear that we
    were slightly on-base more often than the Yankees," said a Mets
    spokesman. "The World Series crown is rightly ours." The manager
    of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some
    light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes
    "we need to let the process run its course without a rush to


    KU-UCLA Game Disputed - Recount of Score Demanded
    (AP) - New York

    Steve Lavin and the UCLA Bruins are demanding a recount of the game
    in which Kansas won 99 to 98. "The baskets were confusing," says
    Lavin. "I'm sure that some of the balls that went in Kansas' basket were
    meant to go into ours. Kansas teams would never have scored nearly one-
    hundred points. There's no way we lost this one. UCLA demands a recount."

    Kansas officials are calling his "outrageous". "They agreed to the
    size and shape of the baskets prior to tip-off," replies KU coach Roy
    Williams. "If they had a problem with them, they should have said so
    before we started.

    You don't get to keep playing until you're happy with the outcome.
    Someone had to lose. We've scored over one hundred points many times."
    UCLA has sent lawyers as well as their athletic director to Madison Square
    Garden, where the scoreboard will be tested. Bob Frederick, athletic
    director for Kansas, will be there as well to oversee the process. "We are
    confident that when the points are re-totaled, we will be the winner of
    the game," says Frederick.

    Kansas also points out that in many games prior to this one, the same
    baskets were used. "They didn't have a problem with the baskets until
    they lost," says Williams.

    Outside the garden, UCLA student protesters have gathered outside bearing
    signs such as, "UCLA wants a fair game!". Students'thoughts echoed their
    signs. "All we want is a fair total of the points before we declare a
    winner," says student Karen Hays, a Bruin from California. "We need to
    proceed cautiously and not rush to judgment before we declare a winner."

    ESPN, around 7pm eastern time, had mistakenly declared UCLA the winner,
    despite the 16 point lead the Jayhawks held at that point. At about
    8:30pm, with the game still to close to call, ESPN had to back off
    its prediction.

    College Basketball analyst Jay Bilas made the call. "We felt that with a
    number of points still not added in by Cummings and Watson, two very good
    scorers, we were certain UCLA would carry this game. We may have been
    premature in our prediction."


    If you receive an e-mail message with "End-All Virus" in the Subject line, don't
    open it. If you do: End-All will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, it will
    scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.

    It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream goes
    melty. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, screw up the
    tracking on your television and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs
    you try to play. It will give your ex your new phone number. It will mix Kool-
    aid into your fishtank. It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when
    company comes over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work. It
    moves your car randomly around parking lots so you can't find it. It will kick
    your dog.

    It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a
    rather interesting shade of mauve. End-All will give you Dutch Elm disease. It
    will leave the toilet seat up. And it will leave bacon cooking on the stove while
    it goes out to chase grade-schoolers with your new snowblower.


    IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck

    I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of
    pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I
    weren't there for the day.

    I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose
    before it melted in storage.

    I would have talked less and listened more.

    I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet
    was stained, or the sofa faded.

    I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and
    worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to
    light a fire in the fireplace.

    I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble
    about his youth.

    I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my

    I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a
    summer day because my hair had just been teased and

    I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried
    about grass stains.

    I would have cried and laughed less while watching television-
    and more while watching life.

    I would never have bought anything just because it was
    practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a

    Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have
    cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment
    growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in
    a miracle.

    When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have
    said, "Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

    There would have been more "I love you's".. more "I'm
    sorry's"....but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize
    every minute...look at it and really see it .. live it...and never
    give it back.

    Stop sweating the small stuff. Don't worry about who doesn't
    like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's
    cherish the relationships we have with those who Do love us.
    Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are
    doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally,
    as well as spiritually.

    Life is too short to let it pass you by.

    We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.
    I hope you all have a blessed day.

    * .(\ *** /) * . *
    . * (\ (_) /) *
    . (_/ ll\_) . * .
    .* . /___\
    * .. *

    In memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.
    Here is an angel sent to watch over you.


    He does not have a beer gut;
    he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

    He is not quiet;

    He is not stupid;

    He does not get lost;

    He is not balding;

    He is not a cradle robber;

    He does not get falling-down drunk;

    He is not short;

    He does not constantly talk about cars;

    He is not unsophisticated;

    He does not hog the blankets;

    He is not a male chauvinist pig;
    he has SWINE EMPATHY.

    He doesn't have a dirty mind;

    He is not afraid of commitment;



    The European Union commissioners have announced
    that agreement has been reached to adopt English
    as the preferred language for European
    communications, rather than German, which was the
    other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
    Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
    spelling had some room for improvement and has
    accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be
    known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the
    first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft
    'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this
    news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be
    replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up
    konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less

    There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
    sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be
    replaced by 'f'. This will make words like
    'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

    In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new
    spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
    more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
    will enkourage the removal of double letters,
    which have always ben a deterent to akurate
    speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes
    of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and
    they would go.

    By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps
    such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'.
    During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd
    from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes
    vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of
    leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli
    sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or
    difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
    understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.


    It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

    My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

    The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

    I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

    I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

    The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

    And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

    You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!


    The following is a direct quote from the Center for
    Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL
    ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story
    swears it's true.

    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital
    in San Diego that was under investigation for medical
    insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands
    of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked
    up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the
    investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with
    delivery service to order a quick dinner for his

    The following telephone conversation took place and
    was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
    conversations at the hospital.

    Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas
    and 67 cans of soda.
    Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
    Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
    Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
    Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
    Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
    Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
    Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
    Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go
    through the front doors. We have them locked. You
    will have to go around to the back to the service
    entrance to deliver the pizzas.
    Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
    Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
    Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital
    is an FBI agent?
    Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and
    we're starving.
    Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
    Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
    Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
    Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent.
    Can you remember To bring the pizzas and sodas to the
    service entrance in the rear? We Have the front doors
    Pizza Man: I don't think so.


    This city fellow had just moved out to the country and decided that he needed some animals, so he decided to walkup and down his road to see what his neighbors had.

    The first farm he came across had a bunch of chickens running in the yard. "Say farmer" the man yells, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your chickens?" The farmer replies, "Sure, but around here we don't call 'em chickens, we call 'em pullets".

    The man thanks the farmer for the advice and picks up the pullet and continues on down the road until he comes to the next farm where the yard is full of roosters. "Say farmer", yells the man, "Would you be willing to sell me one of your roosters?" "Sure", says the farmer, "but around here we don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks".

    The man thanks the farmer and puts the cock under his other arm and continues walking down the road. He soon spots a farm with a herd of donkeys. "I could use one of those", he says . "Hey farmer", he yells "Would you be willing to sell me one of your donkeys?" "Sure", says the farmer "but around here we call them asses".

    The man takes the ass and starts leading him away when the farmer yells, "Hey, sonny, that ass is a little persnickety. If he decides to sit down all you have to do to get him up again is scratch him behind his left ear."

    Thanking the farmer yet again the man decides to head for home with his animals. On the way the ass decided to sit down. The man was in a bit of trouble, he had his pullet under one arm and his cock under the other. If he put one down it would surely wander off.

    Now it just so happened that a nun was just walking over the hill. The farmer, spying her, quickly ran up to her. "Excuse me miss," he said. "Would you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?"


    Fast and Easy Fruitcake

    1. Find the fruitcake somebody gave you last year.

    2. Re-wrap, and give to somebody else.


    Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident
    were serious enough to take the trucking company
    (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the
    trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning
    farmer Joe. Didn't you say, at the scene of the
    accident, "I'm fine," said the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what
    happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie
    into the......."

    "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer
    interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not
    say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

    Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the
    trailer and I was driving down the road..."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
    trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of
    the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on
    the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks
    after the accident he is trying to sue my client." I
    believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
    answer the question."

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in
    Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like
    to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was
    saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule,
    into the trailer and was driving her down the highway
    when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
    sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was
    thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the
    other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
    move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and
    groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by
    her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
    Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie
    moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
    looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
    between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
    road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He
    said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot
    her. How are you feeling?"



    Man: Where have you been all my life ?
    Woman: Hiding from you.

    Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
    Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

    Man: Is this seat empty?
    Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    Man: Your place or mine?
    Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

    Man: So, what do you do for a living?
    Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

    Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
    Woman: Do not enter.

    Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
    Woman: Unfertilized.

    Man: Your body is like a temple.
    Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

    Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
    Woman: But would you stay there?

    Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.



    Written by a Smart Man

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut
    right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the
    shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough, that he hung
    out his window and flipped the woman off.

    "Man, that guy is stupid" I thought to myself I ALWAYS smile nicely
    and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
    traffic and here's why.

    I drive 38 miles each way every day to work. That's 76 miles. Of
    these,16 each way is bumper-to-bumper, most of the bumper-to-bumper
    is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in,
    that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.

    That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982
    cars every mile, or 31424 cars. Even though the rest of the 34 miles is
    not bumper to bumper I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every
    day. Statistically half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000. In
    any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their
    period. That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
    dissatisfying or unrewarding, which would be 449.

    According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females
    have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that's 98. And 34%
    describe men as their biggest problem, that's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry
    weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE
    DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life,
    thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or
    homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed. No matter
    what she does in traffic, I wouldn't DREAM of flipping her off.


    Alabama: Yes, we have electricity
    Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
    Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
    California: As Seen on TV
    Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
    Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less character
    Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
    Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
    Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
    Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But
    Leave Your Money)
    Idaho: Potatoes and NeoNazi's ... What More Could You Ask For?
    Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
    Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    Kansas: Where Science Don't Mean Crap
    Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
    Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
    Tourism Campaign
    Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
    Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
    Michigan: First Line of Defense From Marauding Canadians
    Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
    Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
    Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and
    Very Little Else
    Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
    Nevada: Topless and Poker!
    New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
    New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
    New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to
    North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
    North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
    Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
    Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
    Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
    Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
    Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
    South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender
    South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
    Tennessee: The Educashun State
    Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I speak English)
    Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    Vermont: Yep
    Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
    Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
    Washington,D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
    West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!
    Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
    Wyoming: Where Men are Men and Sheep are Scared



    Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
    Time Limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

    1) H I S T O R Y

    Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
    present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on
    its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical
    impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be brief, concise,
    and specific.

    2) M E D I C I N E

    You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and
    a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until
    your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

    3) P U B L I C S P E A K I N G

    Twenty-five hundred riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
    classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
    Latin or Greek.

    4) B I O L O G Y

    Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
    culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
    earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the
    English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

    5) M U S I C

    Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute
    and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

    6) P S Y C H O L O G Y

    Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the
    emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
    frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisias,
    Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi.
    Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work,
    making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

    7) S O C I O L O G Y

    Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end
    of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

    8) M A N A G E M E N T S C I E N C E

    Define management. Define science. How do they relate? Why?
    Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
    decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each
    terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications
    interface and all necessary control programs.

    9) E N G I N E E R I N G

    The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed
    in a box onyour desk. You will also find an instruction manual,
    printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be
    admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is
    appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.

    10) E C O N O M I C S

    Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
    Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas:
    Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light.
    Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this
    method from all possible points of view. Point out the
    deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
    answer to the last question.

    11) P O L I T I C A L S C I E N C E

    There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War
    III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

    12) E P I S T E M O L O G Y

    Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your

    13) P H Y S I C S

    Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
    evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on

    14) P H I L O S O P H Y

    Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its
    significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of

    15) G E N E R A L K N O W L E D G E

    Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

    * * E X T R A C R E D I T * *

    Define the universe; give three examples.


    A Supposed True Finals Story

    This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
    sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did
    pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc.,
    such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two
    friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend
    before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday,
    they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with
    some friends up there.

    So they did this and had a great time. However, with their
    hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
    didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather
    than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor
    Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the
    final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend,
    and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had
    a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't
    get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

    Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up
    the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and
    relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at
    the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate
    rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to
    begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something
    simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points.
    "Cool," they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that
    problem and then turned the page.

    They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next
    page. It said:

    (95 points) Which tire?


    A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when
    he notices a little girl next door.

    The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
    side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

    The fireman says, "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"
    The little girl says, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire

    The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a
    nice fire truck!" the fireman says.
    "Thanks mister," says the little girl.

    The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the
    wagon to the dog's testicles. "Little girl," says the fireman, "I don't
    want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that
    rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

    The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't
    have a siren!"


    One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout
    at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the
    fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought
    out of state. (because they are illegal in their state, of course!)Just before they
    were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen
    through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra
    food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

    Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a
    police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers
    to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them
    somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food
    for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then
    the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition
    button with the lid still closed.

    They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The
    father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police
    officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

    "Oh, yes, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"


    A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
    shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

    "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't
    catch a thing!"

    "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away,"
    his mother said.

    The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."


    The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since
    a young boy. He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise
    learned in Submarine School.

    The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real
    simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we
    surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't
    open the hatch."


    Six months after the waiter died, his widow went to see a
    medium, who promised she would contact the dead man.

    During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her husband
    standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's outfit.

    "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"

    A hoarse voice from the corner wailed, "I can't. It's not my


    Grandpa and Grandma were sitting in their porch rockers watching the
    Beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to
    Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you
    used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

    Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a
    Wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember
    How after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on
    The cheek?"

    Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on
    Her wrinkled cheek.

    Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after
    we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

    Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house.
    Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

    Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


    Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it
    Was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have
    Believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom
    Wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

    One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella.
    Nobody ever died of seasickness."

    "You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.


    A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when
    He noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he
    Ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got
    In front of him.

    "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
    uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died

    "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for

    "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It
    would make me feel so much better."

    "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called
    out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that
    his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few

    "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.


    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over who should answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

    Before she says a word, Bob says: "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $500 and leaves.

    Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower: "Who was that?"

    "It was Bob, our next door neighbor," she replies.

    "Great," the husband says; "did he say anything about the $500 he owes me?"


    Flipper in the Forest

    If you think you're having a bad day...

    Fire Authorities in California found a corpse in a burnt out section of
    forest whilst assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased
    male was dressed in a full wetsuit, complete with a dive tank, flippers
    and face mask.

    A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns,
    but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive
    identification. Investigators then set about determining how a fully clad
    diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that, on
    the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast --
    some 20 MILES away from the forest.

    The firefighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible,
    called in a fleet of helicopters with very large buckets. The buckets were
    dropped into the ocean for rapid filling, then flown to the forest fire
    and emptied. You guessed it! One minute our diver was making like Flipper
    in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket
    300m in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 1.78m (5'10") of the

    Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed!!



    Forrest Gump Life is like a Box of chocolates...
    Forrest Dahmer People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!
    Forrest Simpson Mmmmm, choolate
    Forrest the Hun Chocolate all mine!
    Forrest Simmons Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!
    Forrest Rivera People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'
    Forrest Jackson Little kids like my box of chocolates
    Forrest Hefner Keep the chocolate, lose the box.
    Forrest Shakespeare Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question
    Forrest Of Borg All chocolates must be assimilated
    Forrest Presley Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate
    Forrest Zen I am one with the chocolate
    Forrest McClaine I used to be a box of Chocolates
    Forrest Ventura Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...
    Forrest Lauper People just wanna have chocolate
    Forrest Turner What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?
    Forrest Bones Dammit jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate
    Forrest Spock Logically speaking, we are all chocolate
    Forrest Scotty The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n
    Forrest Christ Let he without sin, eat the first chocolate
    Forrest Rooney Why is it, that we are all chocolates?
    Forrest Butler Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate
    Forrest O'Hara Tommorrow, is another box of chocolates.
    Forrest Lee Fight with your inner chocolate
    Forrest Clinton I didn't inhale the cream centers
    Forrest Davidson I will inhale the cream filled centers
    Forrest Doo Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!
    Forrest Pig Life is a box of chok-choa-che..candy
    Forrest Marx That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever
    Forrest Nicholson You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate
    Forrest Copperfield Poof, the chocolates are gone!
    Forrest X We didn't land in the box of chocolate, The box
    of chocolate landed on us!
    Forrest Hitler White Chocolates only!
    Forrest the Frog Someday we'll find it/The chocolate
    connections/The plain ones/The cream filled....and me...
    Forrest Eastwood I know what your thinking..
    Did he eat five chocolates, or did he eat six
    Well let me ask you...
    Do you feel hungry PUNK?..well...DO YOU?
    Forrest Barney I'm cream filled, your with nuts.
    We're a box of chocoluts
    Forrest Adam and Eve ADAM=Chocolates are forbidden
    EVE=Just eat one....
    Forrest Moses I command the chocolates to seperate!
    Forrest Noah 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter
    Forrest Ali I am the chocolate boxer!
    Forrest on phonics Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets
    Forrest PsychicLine Yes, I knew you were a chocolate
    Forrest 900-line oooh, can I suck your cream filled chocolates?
    Forrest DatingGame Bacholer number two...
    if I was a piece of chocolate..
    What would you fill me with?
    Forrest Alimony The Box is mine!
    Forrest Adultry You just can't have just one chocolate.
    The Forrest plague Ewww..these Chocolates are bad
    Chief Justice Forrest Thomas I never touched her milk-duds!
    Forrest Andrews The Hills are a box of chocolates
    Forrest Allen Chocolate, huroof..
    Forrest Costello Who's eating chocolate?
    Forrest Abbott No, who is not eating chocolate
    Forrest Vader Luke, I am your chocolate
    Forrest Yoda There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate..


    A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
    $5,000 and feels really good about the result.

    The next morning, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
    Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't
    mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

    "About 35," was the reply.

    "I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

    A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks
    the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd
    guess you're 29?"

    "Nope, I am actually 47." He's really feeling good about
    himself. While standing at the bus stop, he asks an old woman
    the same question.

    She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But
    when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age.
    If I put my hand down your pants for two minutes I will be
    able to tell your exact age."

    As no one else was around the man agreed and let her slip her
    hand down his pants. Two minutes later the old lady says,
    "OK, done. You are 47."

    Stunned the man says, "Incredible! How did you do that?"

    The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


    Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the
    Declaration of Independence? Five signers were captured by the British as
    traitors, and tortured before they died. Twelve had their homes ransacked
    and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, another
    had two sons captured. Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or
    hardships of the Revolutionary War. They signed and they pledged their
    lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

    What kind of men were they?

    Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were
    farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they
    signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty
    would be death if they were captured.

    Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships
    swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties
    to pay his debts, and died in rags.

    Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his
    family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his
    family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and
    poverty was his reward.

    Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton,
    Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.

    At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British
    General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He
    quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was
    destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.

    Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his
    wife, and she died within a few months.

    John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13
    children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to
    waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home
    to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died
    from exhaustion and a broken heart. Norris and Livingston suffered similar

    Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were
    not wild eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means
    and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing
    tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this
    declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence,
    we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred

    They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books
    never told you a lot of what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't
    just fight the British. We were British subjects at that time and we
    fought our own government! Some of us take these liberties so much for
    granted...We shouldn't.

    So, take a couple of minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and
    silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they


    Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

    She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."

    After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"

    She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

    After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"

    She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"


    "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred
    minus one day, so I never have to live without you." - Winnie
    the Pooh

    "True friendship is like sound health; the value of it is seldom
    known until it be lost." - Charles Caleb Colton

    "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world
    walks out."

    "Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow
    Don't walk behind me, I may not lead.
    Walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus

    "Strangers are just friends waiting to happen."

    "Friends are the Bacon Bits in the Salad Bowl of Life."

    "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." - Mencius

    "Friends are God's way of taking care of us."

    "If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." -
    Stone Temple Pilots

    "I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay." - Dave
    Matthews Band

    "If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump
    with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them"

    "Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say.
    Best friends listen to what you don't say."

    "We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go,
    we take a little of each other everywhere." - Tim McGraw

    Pass this on to all of your FRIENDS, even if it means sending it
    to the person that sent it to you.


    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from
    her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says,
    "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long

    Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to
    borrow. The frog says $30,000.00. The teller asks his name and the
    frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger,
    and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

    Patti explains that $30,000.00 is a substantial amount of money and
    that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks

    if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I
    this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch

    tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the
    manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager
    and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims
    to know you and wants to borrow $30,000.00. He wants to use this
    as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what
    the heck is this?"

    (Are you ready???)

    The bank manager looks back at her and says:

    "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old
    man's a Rolling Stone."

    Groans accepted.


    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
    the second hole when he notices a frog sitting nexty to the green.
    He thinks nothing of it and when he is about to shoot when he hears,
    "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
    hears "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove
    the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
    He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked.

    He says to the frog, "Wow that was amazing. You must be a lucky frog,eh?"
    The frogs replies, "Ribbit Lucky Frog." The man decides to take the
    frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think, frog?,"
    the man asks. "Ribbit Three Wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
    Boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to
    say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of his
    life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies,
    "Ribbit Las Vegas."

    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The
    Frog says "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the table, the man asks,
    "What should I bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now
    this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the
    man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash come sliding back
    across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room
    in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know
    how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever
    grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserved
    it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And
    that your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
    or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

    The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck
    to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain
    will have bad luck. Do not keep this. Do not send money. Just
    forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck.
    You will see that something good happens to you four minutes
    from now if the chain is not broken. You wiil receive good
    luck in four minutes.


    A bit of frog wisdom...

    A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell
    into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw
    how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.
    The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with
    all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were
    as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other
    frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

    The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the
    crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even
    harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did
    you not hear us?"

    The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were
    encouraging him the entire time.

    This story teaches two lessons. There is power of life and death in the
    tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and
    help them make it through the day. A destructive word to someone who is down
    can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak
    life to those who cross your path. The power of is sometimes hard
    to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. So from this
    day forward, think before you speak..


    ***From the Desk of Martha Stewart***

    This perfectly delightful note is being sent (on paper I made yesterday
    afternoon) to tell you what I've been up to since I saw you last in Palm
    Springs. It snowed last night, so I got up early and made a sled with old
    barn wood and a hot glue gun. I hand-painted it in gold-leaf, got out my
    loom, and made a blanket in peaches and mauves. Then, to make the sled
    complete, I made some reindeer to pull it with some extra reindeer DNA I had
    laying around in the refrigerator. By then it was time to make the place mats
    and napkins for my 50 guests. I'm serving the old standard twelve-course
    Stewart breakfast, but I'll let you in on a little secret, I didn't have time
    to make the table and chairs this morning, so I used the ones I had on hand
    and antiqued them while doing my 45 minutes on the treadmill. Before I moved
    the table and chairs into the dining room, I decided to add a festive touch to
    the room. So, I repainted the room in pink and stenciled gold stars on the
    ceiling. Then, while my 12-grain bread was rising, I took antique molds and
    made the dishes (in exactly the same shade of pink!) to use for breakfast.
    These were made from Hungarian clay, which you can get in almost any Hungarian
    craft store.

    Well, I must run. I need to finish the button holes on the dress I'm wearing
    for the breakfast. I'll get out the sled and drive this note to the post
    office as soon as the glue dries on the envelopes I'll be making shortly.
    Hope my breakfast guests don't stay too long - I have 40,000 cranberries to
    string with bay leaves before my speaking engagement at noon. It's a good

    Love, Martha

    P.S. When I made the ribbon for this typewriter, I used 1/8 inch goldgauze.
    I soaked the gauze in a mixture of white grapes and blackberries, which I
    grew, picked and crushed last week in an idle moment


    Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language
    today is the word "fuck". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can
    describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

    In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical catagories. It can beused as a
    verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by
    John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary
    really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as
    a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! I'm
    late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy,
    fuck she's also stupid). As you can see there are very few words with the overall
    versitility of the word "fuck".

    Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used To describe
    many situations:

    1)Greetings................"How the fuck are ya?"
    2)Fraud...................."I got fucked by the car dealer."
    3)Resignation.............."Oh, fuck it!"
    4)Trouble.................."I guess I'm fucked now."
    5)Aggression..............."FUCK YOU!"
    6)Disgust.................."Fuck me."
    7)Confusion................"What the fuck...?"
    8)Difficulty..............."I don't understand this fucking shit!"
    9)Despair.................."Fucked again..."
    10)Pleasure................"I couldn't be any fucking happier!"
    11)Displeasure............."Fucking shit man..."
    12)Lost...................."Where the fuck are we?"
    14)Retaliation............."Up your fucking ass!"
    15)Denial.................."I didn't fucking do it, I swear!"
    16)Perplexity.............."I know fuck about it."
    17)Apathy.................."Who really gives a fuck anyway?"
    18)Suspicion..............."Who the fuck are you?"
    19)Panic..................."Let's get the fuck out of here!"
    20)Directions.............."Fuck off."
    21)Incomprehesion.........."How the fuck did you do that?"

    It can be an anatomical description............."He's a fucking asshole."
    It can be used to tell time....................."Its five fucking thirty."
    It can be used in business.............."How did I wind up with this fucking
    It can be maternal......................"MOTHERFUCKER!"
    It can be political....................."Fuck Newt Gingrich!"

    Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:

    "What the fuck was that?"
    --Mayor of Hiroshima--

    "Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
    --General Custer--

    "That's not a real fucking gun."
    --John Lennon--

    "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
    --Captian of the Titanic--

    "Who the fuck's gonna find out?"
    --Richard Nixon--

    "Heads are going to fucking roll!"
    --Anne Boleyn--

    "Any fucking idiot could understand that."
    --Albert Einstein--

    "It does so fucking look like her!"

    "How the fuck did I work that out?"

    "You want what on the fucking ceiling?"

    "Fuck a duck."
    --Walt Disney--

    "What do you mean why...becuase its fucking there!"
    --Edmund Hilary--

    "Don't fucking light that..."
    --Joan of Arc--

    "Scattered fucking showers my ass."

    "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
    --John F. Kennedy--

    "Houston...we've got a big fucking problem..."
    --Crew of Appollo 13--


    A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fucking checking account."

    The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

    "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fucking checking account now!"

    "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

    "What the hell do you plan to do about it?"

    The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.

    They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million in the damn lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in your fucking bank, okay?"

    "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?


    For all of you that get sick of receiving all the cute,
    sappy friendship on!

    Dear Fucker,
    You are my fucking friend,
    And I hope you know that's fucking true.
    No matter what the fuck happens,
    I will stand the fuck by you.
    I will fucking be there for you,
    Whenever the fuck you need me.
    To lend you a fuckin hand,
    To do a fuckin good deed.
    So just fuckin call on me,
    Whenever the fuck you need anything.
    Fuck... I will always be there,
    Even to the bitter fuckin end.

    Forward this promise to all your fuckin friends to show your
    fuckin friendship and watch who sends it the fuck back to you...

    Fuck it if they don't!


    Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

    1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.

    2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

    3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"

    4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.

    5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

    6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

    7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.

    8. Ask for food and drink.

    9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.

    10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.

    11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"

    12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

    14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants".


    Fun At the Drive-Thru

    Stand close to the speaker and yell your order,
    using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the
    patrons inside.

    After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape.
    Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other
    and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

    Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
    When the manager comes to the mic,
    speak English and inquire as to why the order taker
    had such difficulty understanding you.

    Attempt to take the order-takers order
    ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

    Order confusing items, i.e.,
    "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".

    In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order,
    then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind
    you is handed 40 bags of food.

    When you arrive at the window to pick up your food,
    hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose
    of it for you. Make sure it smells.

    Drive through with a carload of naked people.

    Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker
    will think there is a problem with the speaker
    and ask you to order at the window.
    When you arrive at the window,
    speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

    Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

    Bring along a Mr. Microphone.
    When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker
    but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker
    at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

    Have a friend hide in the trunk.
    When you approach the window to pickup your order,
    have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

    If you are a male, have a female friend place the order
    by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker.
    When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order.
    See how many of the order-takers fellow employees
    have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

    All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick
    up window


    I like Monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
    I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I
    decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them.
    I like monkeys.

    I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His
    name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
    bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They
    punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

    I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
    environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch
    at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
    spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.

    Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive;
    They all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped
    dead. Kindalike when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
    God damn cheap monkeys.

    I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over
    my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
    Looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the
    toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey
    and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

    I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That
    Worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started
    to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my
    toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

    I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.Unfortuantely
    there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change
    them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer
    so it didn't go bad.

    I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable.
    i had to extinguish the fire.

    Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen
    Monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred
    monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn't improving. I became
    agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I
    really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat
    one of the monkeys. I felt better.

    I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not
    Allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
    He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen

    I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
    My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them,
    but could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the

    I like monkeys.

    This is a chain that you have read it, you will have
    been hexed with bad luck in everything you do until you forward this
    to 10 people you know. After 10 days, you will have permanant bad luck
    forever. If you do forward this 10 people in ten days then you will
    have good luck in life for the next year.

    Scenario 1--Alex McNealy, a student from Yankton SD got this mail and
    thought nothing of it. He simply deleted it. Ten days later, his
    girlfriend was in a fatal car accident that nearly killed him too. Not
    only that, but the blood he received in the transfusion was infected
    with HIV.

    Scenario 2--Korey Dampenhousse, a graduate student from NYC received
    this letter and immediately forwarded to 20 people he knew. the
    Next day, he received a promotion at work and got a date with the
    secretary he had been eyeing.

    So you see, forwarding this would be a good idea. You have been


    Feeling blue or insecure? Losing sight of what's important? Still searching for
    the real "you"? In this self-help age of soul-searching, daily affirmations have
    been known to do the trick. But you probably shouldn't try these ...

    I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion
    and paranoia.

    I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone
    else's fault.

    I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of course, I
    want to stay employed.

    In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

    Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.

    My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

    I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.

    I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at

    Joan of Arc heard voices too.

    I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous
    people around me.

    I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

    When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly
    as gratifying.

    All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

    I am at one with my duality.

    Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary

    I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

    Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter
    words than "I told you so."

    A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

    I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

    Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step -- blaming
    my parents.

    I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.


    A teacher compiled this list of comments from test papers, essays
    etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior
    high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It's truly
    astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under
    the pressure of time and grades".

    * H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
    * To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
    * When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
    * Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin.
    Hydrogin is gin and water.
    * Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
    * Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
    * Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
    * The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
    * Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
    the bull.
    * Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
    * Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
    * The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
    * The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
    have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat
    * A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
    molars, and
    eight cuspidors.
    * The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards
    the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum.
    I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
    * A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
    * Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
    * Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
    * Liter: a nest of young puppies.
    * Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
    * Momentum: what you give a person when they are going away.
    * Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
    * Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
    * Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
    * Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or
    * To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
    * For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower than the body until the heart
    * For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
    then kill it.
    * For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your
    * To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.


    Let us remove your shorts

    We are open on labor day

    'Push, Push, Push'

    Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog

    Gone Fission

    We really know our stuff

    Time wounds all heels

    Let me meat your needs

    Second Hand cars in first crash condition

    'Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive'

    The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment

    No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming

    If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take
    Appropriate action

    If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
    right place


    Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
    American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

    The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
    Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs
    had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse
    stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000
    Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which
    can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

    In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi
    Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

    Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came
    out as "eat your fingers off."

    The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got
    translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so
    refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

    When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
    apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured
    out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
    the Caribe.

    Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company
    found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all
    the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

    When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
    say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company's
    mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the
    ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

    An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market
    which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in
    Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

    Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender
    chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue
    with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that
    explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

    Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos
    before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means "big breasts." In this case,
    however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

    Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
    porno mag.

    In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
    Schweppes Toilet Water.

    Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-
    speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon
    finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that
    time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
    If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
    wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
    hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of your underwear with pleasure is the
    job of the chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel: You are welcome to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You
    are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
    artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the
    hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
    with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
    rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    In a Hongkong supermarket: For your convenience, we reccomend courteous,
    efficient self-service.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for streetwalking.

    Outside a Hongkong dress shop: Ladies have fits upstairs.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will
    execute customers in strict rotation.

    From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000
    Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two

    In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
    since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

    In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black
    Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women,
    live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
    opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this

    In an advertisement by a Hongkong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest

    A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed
    under the bridge since this variation has been played.

    In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
    having a good time.

    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours.
    We guarantee no miscarriages.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
    own ass?

    In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own

    On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hongkong: Guaranteed to work
    throughout its useful life.

    Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

    In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
    dressed as a man.

    In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you
    are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the

    At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
    food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served

    In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
    best in the long run.

    From a Japonese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles
    and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in
    sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
    your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    -English well talking.
    -Here speeching American.


    Games for When We Are Older

    1. Sag, You're it
    2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
    3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
    4. Kick the Bucket
    5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
    6. Doc, Doc Goose
    7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
    8. Hide and Go Pee
    9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
    10. Musical Recliners


    Thank God the Rev. Jerry Falwell has stepped in to clean up children's
    television. Last week he outed Tinky Winky, from that perverted show the
    Tele-Tubbies, because, Falwell pronounced, the character is clearly a
    fount of gayness: He's purple, the gay color; he has an antenna shaped
    like a triangle, the gay symbol; and he carries a purse, something all
    gay people do. But Falwell's work is far from over. You see, kiddy TV is
    downright rife with gayety. Heck, Toon Town is like one big circuit party
    and has been for years.

    Fred Flintstone
    Evidence: His nickname on the Bedrock bowling team: "Twinkle toes
    Flintstone." The show's theme song ends "...we'll have a gay old time!"
    Wears an orange dress with little triangles on it. Hangs out with Barney
    far more than Wilma.

    Bugs Bunny
    Evidence: Often stands with hand on hip. Plays a hairdresser in one
    episode. Frequently dresses in drag. Loves to throw on a top hat and
    tails and belt out Broadway show tunes with his buddy Daffy- who, it's
    worth noting, has a lisp.

    Velma (of Scooby Doo)
    Evidence: Always tries to sit next to Daphne in the Mystery Machine.
    Sports that butch haircut. Has broad shoulders and wears thick
    turtleneck sweaters and knee socks. Never once shagged Shaggy.

    Evidence: Eats lots of salad. Wears a sailor suit, even though he hasn't
    been on a ship in years. Does little sailor dances. Dates a flat chested
    transvestite named Olive Oyl. Best friend named Wimpy.

    Batman and Robin
    Evidence: Robin's nickname: Boy Wonder. Batman's real name: Bruce. Both
    wear tights. They're in great shape. They like to show each other their
    "grappling hooks".

    Peppermint Patty
    Evidence: Has a deep, gravelly voice. Wears pants, not dresses like the
    other Peanuts gals. Plays a mean game of football. Likes to taunt
    Charlie Brown. Always hanging out with that androgynous Marcie. Wears
    comfortable shoes. Nickname: Sir.

    Evidence: Purple, talks funny, extremely annoying, sings (well), likes
    little boy's, occasionally can be seen carrying a purse, and has never
    once popped his female dino friend.. A sure sign that not only was
    homosexualism rampant in the dark ages, but scientist have evidence of
    it and has leaked the information. Now Falwell is fighting history,
    which this disease was surly the cause of Dinosaur extinction( Not that
    silly Giant Meteor Theory).

    The Pink Panther
    'Nuff said

    Evidence: Another pink cat. Loves theater ("exiiit...stage leeeft").
    Wears a bow tie and cuff links, and nothing else.


    Genesis Take Two

    1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from
    those he created the Word.

    2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
    And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was

    3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
    And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
    And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

    4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place
    to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
    Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

    5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small
    and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill
    all the Memory.

    6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer
    will make new programs and govern over the computers and
    programs and Data.

    7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
    And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
    You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE

    8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
    He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a
    creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire
    the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does;
    And God called the creature: the User.

    9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS
    and it was Good.

    10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
    And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to
    run any programs ?

    11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every
    program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows
    or we will die.

    12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something
    you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will
    become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you
    like by a simple click of your mouse.

    13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
    easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless
    - since Windows could replace it.

    14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to
    the Programmers that it was good.

    15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
    And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the
    Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
    can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need
    drivers? Did you run Windows?
    And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !

    16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated
    by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.
    And you will always sell Windows.

    17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
    will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will
    have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the
    Programmers help.

    18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the
    User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors
    and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

    19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door
    and secured it with a password.



    George W. Bush's Familiarable Quotations

    "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
    ...George W. Bush, Jr.

    "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
    Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 8/11/94

    "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/15/95

    "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

    "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 12/6/93

    "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

    "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "The future will be better tomorrow."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

    "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

    "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "Public speaking is very easy."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

    "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple:
    Who is to blame for the riots?
    The rioters are to blame.
    Who is to blame for the killings?
    The killers are to blame.
    ...George W. Bush, Jr.

    "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

    "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

    "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
    Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

    "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

    "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
    ...Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

    Need we say more?

    --Please forward as widely as possible; electing
    this guy to the presidency would be ludicrous!


    Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old
    is when we're kids?

    If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that
    you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half!"
    You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half... going on five!

    That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
    You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you?
    "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're *gonna* be 16!

    And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even
    the words sound like a ceremony; ~~* YOU BECOME 21 *~~ YYYYYYES!!!
    But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like
    bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now,
    you're just a sourpuss.

    What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're
    PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away.
    Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But
    wait, you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you'd would!!!

    So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and MAKE IT to 60.
    You've build up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day
    by day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's, and every day
    is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30. You REACH bedtime.
    (My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you
    know, and maybe a bad one.)

    And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I
    was JUST 92."

    Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a
    little kid again; "I'm 100 and a half!!!"


    Ghost Story

    A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving
    a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
    audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
    ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe
    in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.

    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
    seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15
    students raise their hands.

    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a
    ghost?" 3 students raise their hands.

    "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question
    further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

    One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is
    astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
    says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
    one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've
    got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

    The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with
    a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

    The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have
    sex with a Ghost."

    The student replies, "Ghost?!? I thought you said


    A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous
    blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all
    night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes
    and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He
    reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air.

    "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her
    eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

    They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
    invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her
    HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins
    Undressing him.

    The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night.
    The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and
    brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed.

    "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
    every guy you meet."

    "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye.



    A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart and after
    careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves.

    Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a department
    store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
    panties for herself.

    During wrapping, the items got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and
    the sweetheart got the panties.

    Without checking, he sealed the package and sent it to her with this note:

    My darling. This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten your
    birthday. I chose them because I noticed you were not in the habit of
    wearing any when we go out in the evening.

    If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the ones
    with buttons, but she wears the short ones that are very easy to remove.
    These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a
    pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled.

    I had the sales girl try them on and she looked really smart. I wish I
    could put them on you for the first time. No doubt other men's hands will
    come in contact with them before I have a chance to see them again.

    When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will
    naturally be a little damp from wearing. I hope you will like them and
    will wear them for me on Friday night.

    All my love xxxxx

    PS. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
    Also the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fluff showing.


    Billboards from God.

    Some new billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing one or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple black background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is included. These are awesome...enjoy.

    Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game.

    C'mon over and bring the kids.

    What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand?

    We need to talk.

    Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.

    Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.

    That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it.

    I love you and you and you and you and...

    Will the road you're on get you to my place?

    Follow me.

    Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding.

    My way is the highway.

    Need directions?

    You think it's hot here?

    Have you read my #1 best seller?
    There will be a test.

    Do you have any idea where you're going?

    And my personal favorite . . . . .

    Don't make me come down there.


    A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed
    for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to
    write a letter to God requesting the $100.

    When the postal authorities received the letter to "God,
    USA," they decided to send it to the president. The
    president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he
    instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
    The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
    to a little boy.

    The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately
    sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read, "Dear
    God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed
    that for some reason you had to send it through Washington
    D.C., and as usual, those greedy politicians deducted 95


    A few years ago at USC. There was a professor of philosophy
    there who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one
    required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove
    that God couldn't exist.

    His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his
    impeccable logic. for twenty years, he had taught this class and
    no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had
    argued in class at times, but no one had ever really gone against him
    because of his reputation.

    At the end of every semester on the last day, he would say to his Class
    of 300 students, "If there is anyone here who still believes in Jesus,
    stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what
    he was going to do next. He would say, "Because anyone who believes
    in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from
    hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that He is
    God, and yet He can't do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk
    onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred

    All of the students would do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the
    students thought that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of
    Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too
    afraid to stand up.

    Well, a few years ago there was a freshman who happened to enroll. He
    was a Christian, and had heard the stories about his professor. He was
    required to take the class for his major, and he was afraid. But for three
    Months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the
    courage to stand up no matter what the professor said, or what the class
    thought. Nothing they said could ever shatter his faith...he hoped.

    Finally, the day came. The professor said, " If there is anyone here who
    Still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people
    looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom.

    The professor shouted, "You FOOL!!! If God existed, he would keep this
    Piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the
    chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the
    pleat of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it
    simply rolled away unbroken.

    The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the
    young man, and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had
    stood, proceeded to walk to the front of the room and shared his faith in
    Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told
    of God's love for them and of His power through Jesus.

    You have 2 choices.
    1. Delete this and never look at it again.
    2. Pass this along to your Christian and non-Christian friends,
    giving them encouragement we all need every day.

    When you choose option 2, you have chosen to STAND UP!

    I put my faith in You, Lord. Give me Your strength, for I am weary.


    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain
    until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.
    But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on
    the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

    And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark.

    "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

    "Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my
    Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

    And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

    The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no

    "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"

    A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah.

    "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
    problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project,
    and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.
    Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler

    My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in
    my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

    Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a
    ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and
    Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch
    any owls. So no owls.

    Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a
    settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick
    up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still
    no owls.

    Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.
    They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

    Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the
    Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
    They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct
    of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
    proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

    Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
    Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the
    IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving
    the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use

    I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah

    The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the

    Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?"
    Noah asked, hopefully.

    "No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."


    One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless
    Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. GOODBY Grampa."
    The father thought this strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day,
    the Grandfather died.

    About a month later the father heard his son saying his prayers again:
    "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GOODBYE Grammy." The next
    day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little

    Two weeks later the father again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless
    Mommy, GOODBYE Daddy. That was enough to almost give him a
    heart attack. He got up real early to avoid the traffic, stayed at work
    through lunch and dinner. Finally he went home after midnight relieved
    to be still alive. He apologized to his wife for being late, saying he had a
    very bad day at work.

    "You think you had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped
    dead on my doorstep this morning!"


    An annoyingly self-righteous teacher went to the doctor for a check-up. He
    said, "I feel terrible. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong with

    "Let's begin with a few questions," said the doctor, "Do you drink much?"

    "Alcohol?" said the teacher. "I'm a teetotaler. Never touch a drop."

    "How about smoking?" asked the doctor.

    "Never," replied the teacher. "Tobacco is
    bad and I have strong principles against it."

    "Well, uh," asked the doctor, "do you have much sex life?"

    "Oh, no," said the teacher. "Sex is sin. I'm in bed by 10:30 every
    night....always have been."

    The doctor paused, looked at the teacher hard, and asked, "Well, do you
    Have pains in your head?"

    "Yes," said the teacher. "I have terrible pains in my

    "O.K.," said the doctor. "That's your trouble. Your halo is on too


    Grade School Wisdom

    One very enjoyable thing about sending your child off to elementary school is watching them learn those same pearls of playground wisdom that you remember from when YOU were a kid.

    One fine example: The boy who turns his eyelids inside out.

    And those kiddie urban legends: there's spider eggs in bubble gum, and if you eat Pop Rocks and drink a soda you'll explode.

    Another example: those useful sayings that we heard on the playground as kids. I almost died laughing the other day when my daughter came home reciting this gem:

    "Mamma Mia, Poppa Pia
    Baby's got the diarrhea
    Grandma said it wouldn't hurt
    So I ate it for dessert."

    I remember hearing THAT one when I was in kindergarten, 27 years ago! I wonder if the kid who originally made it up knows it's still around?

    I'm sure we can all remember hearing these as well:

    "Ta ra ra boom de ay,
    I take your pants away
    And while youre standing there
    I'll take your underwear."

    "Jimmy crap corn, and I don't care"

    "'I'm Popeye the sailor man,
    I live in a garbage can
    I eat all the worms and I spit out the germs
    I'm Popeye the sailor man."

    And finally, one that's been around so long my mother remembers hearing it when SHE was in elementary school:

    "There's a place in France
    where the naked ladies dance
    But the men don't care
    Cause they wear no underwear."


    Quotes of Groucho Marx:

    How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.

    Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it,
    misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

    Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

    We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter
    stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

    Someone: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me

    I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I
    don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

    I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an

    Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

    Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from

    To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you
    bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!

    I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the
    set, I go into the other room and read a book.

    Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

    I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

    Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

    It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be

    There is only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If
    he says 'yes', you know he is crooked.

    The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake
    that, you've got it made.

    Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

    Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

    I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse

    Go, and never darken my towels again.

    She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

    [Image]Time wounds all heels.

    [Image]Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done
    for me?

    My mother loved children ... she would have given anything if I had
    been one.

    Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

    A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

    No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

    There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

    I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

    I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're
    upstairs in my socks.

    "Seven? That many?" She blushed, and said, "Well, I love my
    husband." Groucho came back with, "I love my cigar, too, but I take it
    out once in a while."

    Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honour, which is
    probably more than she ever did.

    Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used
    to live in whales for a while.

    The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his
    mouth shut and his checkbook open.

    Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

    Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce
    that I was born at a very early age.

    This man has the mind of a 4-year old boy..and I bet he was glad to
    get rid of it

    Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my
    pajamas I'll never know.

    We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . .
    But we're going back next week.

    It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open your
    mouth and remove all doubt.

    Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

    Women should be obscene, and not heard.

    In a restaurant to a waitress: "Do you have frogs legs or do you
    always walk like that....

    From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
    convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

    A child af five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
    of five.

    The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake
    that, you've got it made.

    Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's
    to dark to read.

    Hello I must be going. I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going.
    I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

    Beyond the Alps lies more Alps, and the Lord alps those that alps

    Well I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech.

    Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?

    She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the live of the

    In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the
    politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

    "Call me a cab!" Groucho replies, "OK, you're a cab."

    I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought
    I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

    I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

    How would you like to feel the way she looks ?

    My mother treated us all equally ... with contempt.

    Someone: "The garbage men are here" Groucho: "Tell them we don't
    want any".

    Follow me men. Never mind men - just the women.

    I like my women warm and my champagne cold.

    Blood's not thicker than money.I cannot say that I do not disagree
    with you.

    Room service? Send up a larger room

    When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was
    just whispering in her mouth"

    I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury

    Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
    more of you than you do!

    I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

    There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

    You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

    Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

    Man: "I would like to say goodby to your wife". Groucho: "Me too".

    The last time I saw legs like that was on a billiard table.

    We give em a seventy-five cent meal that'll knock their eyes out.
    After we knock their eyes out, we can charge them anything we want.

    I drink to make people interesting.

    I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but found it
    too unwieldy.

    If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

    I'll never forget my wedding day..they threw vitamin pills.

    I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the

    I made a killing on Wall Steet a few years ago...I shot my broker.


    Bare foot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by.
    She never tried to speak, she never said a word. Many people passed,
    but never did one person stop.

    Just so happens the next day I decided to go back to the park, curious
    if the little girl would still be there. Right in the very spot as she
    was yesterday she sat perched on high, with the
    saddest look in her eyes. Today I was to make my own move and walk over
    to the little girl.

    As we all know a park full of strange people is not a place for young
    children to play alone. As I began walking towards her I could see the
    back of the little girl's dress indicated a deformity. I figured that
    was the reason the people just passed by and made no effort to help.

    As I got closer, the little girl slightly lowered her eyes to avoid my
    intent stare. I could see the shape of her back more clearly. It was
    grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. I smiled to let her know it
    was ok, I was there to help, to talk.

    I sat down beside her and opened with a simple Hello. The little girl
    acted shocked and stammered a hi after a long stare into my eyes. I
    smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked 'til darkness fell and the
    park was completely empty. Everyone was gone and we at once were alone.
    I asked the girl why she was so sad. The little girl looked at me and
    with a sad face said "Because I'm different."

    I immediately said "that you are!" and smiled. The little girl acted
    even sadder, she said, "I know."

    "Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent."

    She looked at me and smiled, slowly she stood to her feet, and said,

    "Yes, ma'am, you're like a little guardian angel sent to watch over all
    those people walking by."

    She nodded her head yes and smiled, and with that she spread her wings
    and said, "I am. I'm your guardian angel," with a twinkle in her eye. I
    was speechless, sure I was seeing things.

    She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself, my job
    here is done."

    Immediately I stood to my feet and said, "Wait, so why did no one stop
    to help an angel?"

    She looked at me and smiled, "You're the only one who could see me, and
    you believe it in your heart." And She was gone. And with that my life
    was changed dramatically. So, when you think
    you're all you have, remember, your angel is always watching over you.

    Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you . . . make sure
    you send it back to the person who sent it to you, to let them know
    you're glad they care about you . . . like the story says we all need
    someone.. :o)



    Three men stood on the platform waiting their turn to be beheaded
    by guillotine; a priest, lawyer and architect/engineer. The
    priest was taken to the block first and when asked whether he
    wanted to face up or down, he said he wanted to face up in order
    to see God when the blade struck. He was placed on the block with
    his face up as requested and the huge blade was dropped, but the
    blade stopped an inch above his neck! The crowd gasped. It was
    considered a sign of his innocence and he was freed.

    The lawyer was then led to the block and asked the same question.
    He said he wanted to face down to see where he was going when the
    blade struck. He was placed on the block with his face down and
    the huge blade was dropped, but again it stopped an inch above
    his neck! The crowd gasped! As before, this was considered a sign
    of his innocence and he was freed.

    When the architect/engineer was led to the block and asked which
    way he wanted to face he said he wanted to face up and so he was
    placed on the block with his face up looking at the blade and
    scaffolding holding it. Seconds before the blade dropped, he
    turned his head toward the executioner and said "STOP! I think I
    see what the problem is".


    A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

    When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

    The next day the wife not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party."

    By this time the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work there laid out on the bed are three items. In one neat pile is a set of three white buttons, another is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?" The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and take the three white buttons and put them on the front of you and go as a domino, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt and put it on and go as an Oreo cookie. And if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesickle."


    Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky
    masked Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache
    and told Al to go to the party alone. Al, being a devoted
    husband, protested, but his wife argued and said she
    was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there
    was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
    So Al took his costume and away he went.

    His wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour,
    awakened without pain, and as it was still early,
    she decided to go to the party. Since Al did
    not know what her costume was, she thought she would
    have some fun by watching Al to see how he acted when
    she was not with him.

    She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting
    around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
    chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a
    little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being
    a rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner
    high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff
    that had just arrived.

    She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since
    he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little
    proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
    went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

    Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away
    and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
    wondering what kind of explanation Al would make for
    his behavior.

    She was sitting up reading when Al came in and asked
    what kind of a time he had. Al said, "Oh, the same
    old thing. You know I never have a good time when
    you're not there."

    Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

    Al replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
    When I got there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno, and
    some other guys, so we went into the den and played
    poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my
    costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!"


    Heaven Scent

    A cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the
    doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. Still
    groggy from surgery, her husband David held her hand as they braced
    themselves for the latest news. That afternoon of March 10, 1991,
    complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo
    an emergency cesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Danae Lu

    At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound and nine ounces, they
    already knew she was perilously premature. Still, the doctor's soft
    words dropped like bombs. "I don't think she's going to make it," he
    said, as kindly as he could. "There's only a 10-percent chance she
    will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance
    she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one."

    Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor
    described the devastating problems Danae would likely face if she
    survived. She would never walk. She would never talk. She would
    probably be blind. She would certainly be prone to other
    catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental
    retardation. And on and on. "No ... No!" was all Diana could say.
    She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of
    the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four. Now,
    within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away.

    Through the dark hours of morning as Danae held onto life by the
    thinnest thread, Diana slipped in and out of drugged sleep, growing
    more and more determined that their tiny daughter would live - and
    live to be a healthy, happy young girl. But David, fully awake and
    listening to additional dire details of their daughter's chances of
    ever leaving the hospital alive, much less healthy, knew he must
    confront his wife with the inevitable.

    "David walked in and said that we needed to talk about making
    funeral arrangements," Diana remembers. "I felt so bad for him
    because he was doing everything, trying to include me in what was
    going on, but I just wouldn't listen. I said, "No, that is not going
    to happen, no way!

    I don't care what the doctors say. Danae is not going to die! One
    day she will be just fine, and she will be coming home with us!"

    As if willed to live by Diana's determination, Danae clung to life
    hour after hour, with the help of every medical machine and marvel
    her miniature body could endure. But as those first days passed, new
    agony set in for David and Diana. Because Danae's underdeveloped
    nervous system was essentially "raw", the lightest kiss or caress
    only intensified her discomfort - so they couldn't even cradle their
    tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their
    love. All they could do, as Danae struggled alone beneath the
    ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that
    God would stay close to their precious little girl.

    There was never a moment when Danae suddenly grew stronger. But as
    the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and
    an ounce of strength there.

    At last, when Danae turned two months old, her parents were able to
    hold her in their arms for the very first time. And two months
    later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her
    chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were
    next to zero.

    Danae went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.
    Today, five years later, Danae is a petite but feisty young girl
    with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life. She
    shows no signs, whatsoever, of any mental or physical impairments.
    Simply, she is everything. a little girl can be and more - but that
    happy ending is far from the end of her story.

    One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in
    Irving, Texas, Danae was sitting in her mother's lap in the
    bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball
    team was practicing. As always, Danae was chattering nonstop with
    her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly
    fell silent.

    Hugging her arms across her chest, Danae asked, "Do you smell that?"
    Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana
    replied, "Yes, it smells like rain." Danae closed her eyes and again
    asked, "Do you smell that?" Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I
    think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain." Still caught in
    the moment, Danae shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her
    small hands and loudly announced, "No, it smells like Him. It smells
    like God when you lay your head on his chest." Tears blurred Diana's
    eyes as Danae then happily hopped down to play with the other
    children before the rains came. Her daughter's words confirmed what
    Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known,
    at least in their hearts, all along. During those long days and
    nights of her first two months of her life when her nerves were too
    sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Danae on his chest
    - and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

    Author Unknown


    One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive
    woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
    heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

    "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though,
    it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once
    had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do
    with you."

    "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

    "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is
    let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
    whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

    "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven,"
    said the woman.

    "Sorry, we have rules..."

    And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went
    down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto
    the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a
    country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and
    they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her. They
    ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
    They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
    club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met
    the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time
    telling jokes and dancing.

    She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to
    leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the
    elevator. The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates and found St.
    Peter. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

    So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the
    harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24
    hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

    "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.
    Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

    The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
    I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
    I had a better time in Hell."

    So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to
    Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing
    in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her
    friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting
    it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

    "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
    there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
    danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
    and all my friends look miserable."

    The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you.


    A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
    Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven

    This is a true story:

    *** EVEN if you get a little lost, read to the end, which is very funny.

    A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate
    students. It had one question:
    Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

    For Non-science majors, exothermic is when something releases heat and
    endothermic is when something generates heat. Most of the students wrote
    proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however,
    wrote the following:

    "First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do,
    then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into
    hell and at what rate are souls leaving" I think that we can safely assume that
    once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for
    souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world

    Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
    will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do
    not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls
    go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
    souls in hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in
    order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the
    mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

    #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell,
    then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

    #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
    hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Jennifer Smith during
    Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in
    having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."

    The student got an A


    Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

    Old telephone books make ideal personal address books.
    Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

    Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone
    by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear
    and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

    Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna.
    I found that the subsequent food poisoning
    enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

    Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
    turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

    No time for a bath?
    Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling
    it off.

    Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
    The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet.
    (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish
    should be selected).

    If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
    Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!
    The blockage is almost instantly removed.

    Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey.
    The following morning you can create the effects of hangover
    by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid
    and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.



    Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel
    tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your
    invention --- the assembly line for the automobile --- changed
    the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you
    want to in Heaven."

    Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,
    Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Ford to the
    Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God,
    "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

    God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Ford, "You hve some major
    design flaws in your invention:

    1. there's too much front end protrusion

    2. it chatters at high speeds

    3. the rear end wobbles too much, and

    4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

    "Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial
    Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the

    The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It
    may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry
    Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding
    my invention than yours."


    It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him
    off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as
    he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head

    He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found
    the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but
    he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes
    and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool
    smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an
    ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly
    takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

    As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain
    surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as
    he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too
    painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod
    for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are
    now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments,
    you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you
    lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks
    at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have
    been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

    You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to
    have a tooth pulled.

    Naughty, Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what
    you were thinking!






    My First Time

    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    All alone
    Just her and I
    Her hair so soft
    Her eyes so blue
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do
    Her skin so soft
    Her legs so fine
    I ran my fingers
    Down her spine
    I didn't know how
    But I tried my best
    To place my hand
    On her breasts
    I remember my fear
    My fast beating heart
    But slowly she spread
    (keep on reading)
    Her legs apart
    And when she did it
    I felt no shame
    All at once
    The white stuff came
    At last it's finished
    It's all over now
    My first time
    Milking a cow!

    hehehe! You sicko. Now make a wish.

    :o) Now, send this chain letter to:
    5 people-Your wish won't come true; but you will
    have good luck for a year.
    10 people-Your wish will come true in a year.
    15 people-Your wish will come true in a month.
    20 people-Your wish will come true in a week.
    25 people-Your wish will come true tomorrow.
    30 people-Your wish will come true within 2 hrs



    Duke University Medical Center is reporting an
    unusual occurrence in the Obstetrics department:
    a child was born with both male and female organs.

    A penis and a brain.



    Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
    and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

    Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
    Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

    You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
    You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

    Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
    Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

    You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
    I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

    On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
    well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

    Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
    what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

    Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
    to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

    Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
    You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

    Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
    you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

    When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
    my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

    Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
    despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

    Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
    we go together like a skunk goes with it's stank.

    Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
    They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

    Some men git roses on that special day
    from the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.

    Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
    "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

    But for this man, honey, these won't do.
    Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.

    I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
    more useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

    Luv, from yor romeo

    P.S. I think yore slicker'n deer guts on a door nob.


    The Hippie and the busdriver

    One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was
    very crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He
    was very attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly
    beautiful. After getting his courage up,he finally said to the
    nun "Will you have sex with me?"

    The nun,disgusted, told the bus driver to stop the bus and she
    got off. The man was very disappointed and he moved up to
    the front of the bus to wait for his stop.

    Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
    to help him out. He said to the young man, "I know that nun.
    Every night, she goes tothe grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
    grave of her friend. If you go thereand pretend that you are
    Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God's request. Just
    tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with

    This gave the hippie great hope.That night, he went to the
    graveyard, and sure enough, there was the nun.As she kneeled
    down, he decided to make his move. He walked over to her,
    dressed in a white robe with a hood and said to the nun "I am
    Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?" Now, of course the
    nun could not deny the power of God, so she agreed. "I just
    have one request," said thenun, "it has to be anal sex, so I can
    remain a virgin and continue in my sisterhood." The disguised
    hippie agreed and the two had sex.

    When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny
    to reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe,
    revealing a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces.
    "HA HA!! I'm not Jesus, I'm the hippie!" He exclaimed.

    Much to the young man's surprise, the nun took off her habit,
    revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled
    "HA HA! I'm not thenun, I'm the bus driver!"


    "Biggie Spears"~ Make My Boobies One More Size*(sing it to the tune of
    "Baby One More Time")

    Oh boobies boobies,
    Oh boobies boobies,

    Oh boobies boobies,
    My chest was supposed to grow,
    My cleavage wasn't right~yeah

    Oh boobies boobies
    My breasts are completely full,
    And now my sweater's tight~yeah

    I wanna be a size "D",
    Bigger memories,
    I want them to show now
    Oh because

    My chest flatness was killing me,
    And I,
    I must confess
    I paid for these (paid for these)
    I look 32 I'm just a child,
    I am a crime,
    Make my boobies one more size

    Oh boobies boobies
    I've got double D's it's true,
    Now you've all been blinded
    Oh pretty boobies
    Your so big and oh so new
    That's just the way I planned it
    Rolling Stone was naughty,
    See me baby barely wearing clothes now
    Oh because

    My chest flatness was killing me,
    And I
    I must confess
    I paid for these (paid for these)
    I look 32 I'm just a child,
    I am a crime,
    Make my boobies one more size


    True Story right from the Associated Press:

    Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws. While there, she
    went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

    Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
    rolled up, her eyes closed, and both hands behind the back of
    her head.

    One customer who had been at the store for a while became
    concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's
    eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked
    her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in
    the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for
    over an hour.

    The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car
    because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove
    her hands from her head.

    When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of
    bread dough on the back of her head.

    A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making
    a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough
    hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find
    out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her

    She had initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
    hold her brains in for over an hour-until someone noticed and
    came to her aid.

    And, yes, Linda is a blonde


    If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

    If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.

    When eating with someone else,
    calories don't count if you both eat the same amount.

    Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories.
    This includes any chocolate used for energy, brandy,
    Sara Lee Cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Daz Ice Cream.

    Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage
    causes calorie leakage.

    If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.

    If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet
    and get walked off.

    Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.

    STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.


    She writes:

    The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I
    saw a "Honk if you REALLY love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
    bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm
    really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was
    stopped at the light of a busy intersection... just lost in thought
    about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
    That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who
    love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.
    He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned
    out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he
    could. Why, it was like a football game with him shoutin, "Go,
    Jesus Christ, Go!" In a clear, ringing voice, somebody behind
    him yelled: "Move along for Christ's sake!!" Then everyone
    else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and
    waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have
    been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him
    yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving
    in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
    I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They
    kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me
    that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the
    window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of
    the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
    they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet
    they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had
    changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I did,
    because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I
    looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window,
    gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck
    sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful

    Love ya all, Grandma




    It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present astrological signs haven't served their purpose and that we should get rid of them. When I'm out driving around I'll see bulls, and once in a great while I suppose I'll even see a ram. Up the street from me there's some twins, but I don't see them much. The rest of these things are just too obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions, not many archers and no water bearers.


    Dec. 22-Jan. 20
    Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

    Jan. 21-Feb. 19
    Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around.

    Boll Weevil -
    Feb. 20-March 20
    You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.

    Moon Pie -
    March 21-April 20
    You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. "Big" and "round" are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

    April 21-May 21
    When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't-bother-me-about-it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work, and you may find your problems actually running you over.

    Crawfish -
    May 22-June 21
    Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically.

    Collards -
    June 22-July 23
    Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essences of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

    Catfish -
    July 24-Aug. 23
    Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception: Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

    Grits -
    Aug. 24-Sept. 23
    Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

    Boiled Peanuts -
    Sept. 24-Oct. 23
    You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best - your friends and loved ones - may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

    Butter Bean -
    Oct. 24-Nov. 22
    Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.

    Armadillo -
    Nov. 23-Dec. 21
    You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another mating possibility.


    Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.
    One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each
    afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was
    next to the room's only window.

    The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
    The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives
    and families,their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the
    military service, where they had been on vacation. And every
    afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit
    up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all
    the things he could see outside the window.

    The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour
    periods where his would be broadened and enlivened by all
    the activity and color of the world outside. The window
    overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played
    on the water while children sailed their model boats.Young
    lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the
    rainbow.Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view
    of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

    As the man by the window described all this in exquisite
    detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his
    eyes and imagine the picturesque scene. One warm afternoon
    the man by the window described a parade passing by.
    Although the other man couldn't hear the band he could see it
    in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it
    with descriptive words.

    Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to
    bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the
    man by the window,who had died peacefully in his sleep. She
    was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the
    body away. As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man
    asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse
    was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was
    comfortable, she left him alone.

    Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take
    his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the
    joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look
    out the window beside the bed.

    It faced a blank wall.

    The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his
    deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things
    outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was
    blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he
    just wanted to encourage you."

    Epilogue...There is tremendous happiness in making others
    happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the
    sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to
    feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't

    The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to
    everyone who passes it on. Do not keep this letter. Do not
    send money.

    Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good
    luck. You will see that something good happens to you four
    days from now.


    Hot Tub Tips For Women

    1- It is not lady like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh yes baby!"

    2- Washing your partners back is sexy. Washing your pantyhose is not!

    3- Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don'tspoil things by making snide remarks like "I've seen bigger wangs on Hamsters"

    4- It's OK to pass a joint while tubbing. It's not OK to pass gas.

    5- Don't think you're fooling anybody by trying to pass off your vibrator as a toy submarine!


    How Do I Love Thee - West Indian Style
    Let me count the ways ....

    You are the essence in my mauby
    De fish in my fishcakes
    I love you love you dearly
    You are the lard-oil in my bakes.

    You are the coconut in my sweetbread
    De pigtail in my rice
    Just like piece of curry goat head
    I will love you till I dead.

    You are the sardine in my gravy
    The dumplings in my soup
    I love you more than gambling
    Yes I love you bad fah true

    Like banana leaf around my conkie
    I'll be always close to you
    Sweet like sugar in your green tea
    I'll do anything for you.

    You are the sauce around my Cou Cou
    Hot like sweetbread when it done
    In my arms I love to hold you
    Just like a glass a rum

    I will stick to you like dandruff
    Like the corns upon your toes
    Like the fat around your belly
    I'll be everywhere you go.

    Cause you are my black pudding
    And I know I am your souse
    When you call I will coming running
    Like when a boar cat see a mouse

    Oh my pepper on my pork chop
    Sweet like sorrel when it mix
    When my hands caress your body
    You feel just like a couple-six

    You are sweeter than a snowcone
    I will give you all I own
    You are sweeter than a hambone
    Soft and sweet like piece'o'pone

    No one can take me from you
    Not in this life or death
    Gyal I love you bad fuh chu


    How Far Does the Computer Date Back?
    In the Beginning
    In the beginning there was the computer. And God said:
    %Create the heaven and earth!
    #Enter user id.
    #Enter password.
    #Password incorrect. Try again.
    #Password incorrect. Try again.
    #User God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

    %Create the heaven and earth!
    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
    %Create earth
    %Run earth
    #And God created the heavens and earth and they were dark. And God saw
    there were 0 errors.
    %Let there be light!
    #Too many perameters. Try again.
    %Create light
    %Run light
    #And thus there was Day and Night
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
    %Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.
    %Create firmament
    %Run firmament
    #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    %Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
    the dry land appear and
    #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
    %Create dry_land
    %Run dry_land
    #And God created dry land. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
    %Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
    #Unspecified type. Try again.
    %Create sun_moon_stars
    %Run sun_moon_stars
    #And God created the lights in the heavens. And God saw there were 0
    %Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit
    tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the
    #Error unmatched 'grass'
    %Create grass_herbs_fruit
    %Run grass_herbs_fruit
    #And God brought forth grass and herb yielding seed and the trees
    yielding fruit. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
    %Create fish
    %Create fowl
    %Run fish, fowl
    #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
    creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
    fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
    %Create cattle
    %Create creepy_things
    %Run cattle, creepy_things
    #And God created cattle to graze over the land and creepy crawly things
    to fly about the night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.
    #And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

    #And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
    %Now let us make man in our image
    #Unspecified type. Try again.
    %Create man
    %Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
    dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
    every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
    #Too many command operands. Try again.
    %Run multiplication
    #Execution terminated. 6 errors.
    %Insert breath
    %Run multiplication
    #Execution terminated. 5 errors.
    %Move man to Garden of Eden
    #Directory Garden of Eden does not exist.
    %Create Garden.edn\
    %Move man Garden.edn\
    %Run multiplication
    #Execution terminated. 4 errors.
    %Copy Garden.edn\man Garden.edn\woman
    %Run multiplication
    #Execution terminated. 3 errors.
    %Insert woman into man
    #Illegal parameters. Try again.
    %Insert man into woman
    %Run multiplication
    #Execution terminated. 2 errors.
    %Create desire
    %Run multiplication
    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
    %Create freewill
    %Run freewill
    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
    %Undo desire
    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
    %Destroy freewill
    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    %Create tree_of_knowledge
    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    %Create good, evil
    %Run evil
    #And God saw he had created shame.
    #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn\
    1 errors.

    %Grep Garden.edn\ 'man' 'woman'
    #Search failed.
    %Delete shame
    #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
    %Destroy freewill
    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
    #Unrecognizable command. Try again


    %Create new world
    #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
    before new ones can be created.
    %Destroy earth
    #Destroy earth: Please confirm [n].




    Vanderbilt: Two--one to call the electrician and one to
    call daddy to pay the bill

    Princeton: Two--one to mix the martinis and one to call the

    Brown: Eleven--one to change the lightbulb and ten
    to share the experience

    Dartmouth: None--Hanover doesn't have electricity

    Cornell: Two--One to change the lightbulb and one to crack
    under the pressure

    Penn: Only one, but he gets six credits for it

    Columbia: Seventy-six-- one to change the lightbulb, fifty
    to protest the lightbulb's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a
    counter protest

    Yale: None--New Haven looks better in the dark

    Harvard: One--he holds the bulb and the world revolves
    around him

    MIT: Five--one to design a nuclear powered one that never
    needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Boston
    using that nuked lightbulb two to install it, and one to write the
    computer program that controls the wall switch

    Vassar: Eleven--one to screw it and ten to support its
    sexual orientation

    Middlebury: Five--One to change the lightbulb and four to
    find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion

    Stanford: One, dude

    Oberlin: Three--one to change it and two to figure out how
    to get high off the old one

    Georgetown: Four--one to change it, one to call Congress
    about their progress, and two to throw the old bulb at the
    American U. students

    Duke: A whole frat--but only one of them is sober enough
    to get the bulb out of the socket

    Williams: The whole student body--when you're snowed in,
    there's nothing else to do

    Tufts: Two--one to change the bulb and the other to say
    loudly how he did it as well as an Ivy League student

    Sarah Lawrence: Five--one to change the bulb and four to
    do an interpretive dance about it

    Swarthmore: Eight--it's not that one isn't smart enough to
    do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from
    too much stress

    Boston University: Four--one to change the bulb and two to
    check his math homework

    Wesleyan: Wesleyan's boycotting GE... you know,
    military-industrial complex and all that

    Connecticut College: Two--one to change the bulb and one
    to complain about how if they were at a better school the
    lightbulb wouldn't go out

    Virginia: Thirteen--Ten to form student committee to vote
    on whether changing light bulbs is a violation of the Honor
    Code, one to change the bulb, one to hold the keg the he's
    standing on, and another to attribute electricity to Mr. Jefferson.

    Bowdoin: Three--one to ski down to the general store and
    buy the bulb, one to take the chairlift back to school,
    and one to screw it in

    Boston College: Seven--one to change the light
    bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside
    down this time

    Santa Clara University: One--but you would never know
    about it because only Cal and Stanford gets press for
    changing their lightbulbs



    Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on
    her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner
    of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let
    her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband
    was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and
    they needed food.

    John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that
    she leave his store. Visualizing the family needs, she said:
    'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can."
    John told her he could not give her credit, as she did not have a
    charge account at his store.

    Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the
    conversation between the two. The customer walked forward
    and told the grocerman that he would stand good for whatever
    she needed for her family.

    The grocerman said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a
    list? Louise replied "Yes sir" "O.K." he said, "put your grocery
    list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will
    give you that amount in groceries."

    Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached
    into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled
    something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale
    carefully with her head still bowed. The eyes of the grocerman
    and the customer showed amazement when the scales went
    down and stayed down. The grocerman staring at the scales,
    turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't
    believe it."

    The customer smiled and the grocerman started putting the
    groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not
    balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them
    until the scales wouldhold no more. The grocerman stood there
    in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the
    scales and looked at it with greater amazement. It was not a
    grocery list, it was a prayer which said: "Dear Lord, you know
    my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."

    The grocerman gave her the groceries that he had gathered and
    placed on the scales and stood in stunned silence. Louise
    thanked him and left the store. The customer handed a fifty-
    dollar bill to John as he said, "It was worth every penny of it." It
    was sometime later that John Longhouse discovered the scales
    were broken; therefore, only God knows how much a prayer


    When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do.
    Just stop right now, and say a prayer for the one who sent this to
    you. There is nothing attached. This is powerful. Then send this
    to four people. Don't break this, please. Prayer is one of the best
    free gifts we receive.


    A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia,
    when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half
    dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel
    room, and she readily agreed.

    "Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass
    was disrobing.

    "Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.

    "Thirteen ??? My God girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get
    the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?" he thundered.
    Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and
    said, "Superstitious, huh ?"



    Accountants do it with Double Entry
    Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
    Ambulance drivers come quicker
    Australians do it Down Under
    Bankers do it with interest
    Bartenders do it on the Rocks
    Chess players check their Mates
    Cops do it with cuffs
    DJs do it on request
    Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
    Dentist do it orally
    Detectives do it under cover
    Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
    Engineers do it to specification
    Firemen do it with a big hose
    Frank Sinatra does it his way
    Garbagemen cum twice a week
    Gardeners do it in the bushes
    Gas attendants Pump all day

    Housewives do it for an allowance
    Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
    Landlords do it every 1st of the month
    Mountain Climbers like to be on top
    Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate!
    Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
    Truckers do it in the road
    Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
    Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
    Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
    Zoologists do it with animals

    *** Send this to as many people as you can, and you'll have great sex
    for the rest of your life. Send nothing and you'll have either no sex
    or really bad sex (probably really bad). This must be sent within one
    hour you recieved it!


    How To Impress a Woman:

    Compliment her
    Cuddle her
    Kiss her
    Tease her
    Comfort her
    Hug her
    Send her flowers
    Wine and dine her
    Listen to her
    Care for her
    Hold her
    Support her

    How to Impress a Man:

    Show up naked..... with beer.



    1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point
    a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

    2) Page yourself over the intercom.
    (Don't disguise your voice.)

    3) Insist that your e mail address is:

    4) Every time someone asks you to do something,
    ask if they want fries with that.

    5) Encourage your colleagues to join
    you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

    6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

    7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
    Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to

    9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

    10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

    11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

    12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights
    up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

    13) Don't use any punctuation.

    14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    15) Ask people what sex they are.

    16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

    17) Sing Along at the opera.

    18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
    Wear them one day after your boss does.
    (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite

    20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're
    doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

    21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
    because you're not in the mood.

    23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies

    24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"

    25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

    26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!"
    "3rd time this week!!!"

    27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot,
    yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

    28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me,
    its the voices in your head that do"

    29) Tell your children over dinner.
    "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

    30) Everytime you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"

    **And the Final way to annoy People**
    ...... Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book,
    even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send it back.


    (attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)

    1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

    2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
    stick something nasty in the next line. Such as, "I got a good
    woman ------- with the meanest dog in town.

    3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it.
    Then find something that rhymes. Sort of:

    I got a good woman
    with the meanest dog in town.
    He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
    and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds.

    4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

    5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
    transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays
    a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

    6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues
    adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a
    man in Memphis.

    7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or
    Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression.

    Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have
    the blues.

    8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
    a. violet
    b. beige
    c. mauve

    9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the
    lighting is wrong.

    10. Good places for the Blues:
    a. the highway
    b. the jailhouse
    c. the empty bed

    11. Bad places for the Blues:
    a. Ashrams
    b. Gallery openings
    c. a weekend in the Hamptons

    12. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless
    you happen to be an old black man.

    13. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

    YES, if:
    a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia.
    b. you're blind.
    c. you shot a man in Memphis.
    d. you can't be satisfied.

    NO, if:
    a. you were once blind but now can see.
    b. you're deaf.
    c. you have a trust fund.

    14. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand have the right to
    sing the blues.

    15. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.

    Other blues beverages are:
    a. wine
    b. Irish whiskey
    c. muddy water

    Blues beverages are NOT:
    a. Any mixed drink
    b. Any wine kosher for Passover
    c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

    16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues
    death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
    the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an
    emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a
    liposuction treatment.

    17. Acceptable Blues names:

    For WOMEN
    a. Sadie
    b. Big Mama
    c. Bessie

    For MEN
    a. Joe
    b. Willie
    c. Big Willie
    d. Little Willie
    e. Lightning

    17A. Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted
    to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

    17B. Other acceptable Blues Names (Starter Kit)
    a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
    b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
    c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.


    Subject: Fraud Warning
    Date: Sunday, January 17, 1999 11:01 PM


    If you get an envelope from a company called the
    Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
    This group operates a scam around this time
    every year. Their letter claims that you owe
    them money, which they will take and use to pay
    for the operation of essential functions of the
    United States government. This is untrue! The
    money the IRS collects is used to fund various
    inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.

    This organization has ties to another shady outfit
    called the Social Security Administration, who
    claim to take money from your regular
    paychecks and save it for your retirement. In
    truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the
    same misguided make-work projects the IRS
    helps mastermind.

    These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working
    Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!


    Hey, I am not a lumberjack or a fur trader.

    I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber or own a dog sled. And I don't know Jimmy, Sally, or Suzy from Canada (although I'm certain they're really, really nice.)

    I have a prime minister not a president.

    I speak English and French, not American, and I pronounce it "about" not "aboot."

    I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.

    I believe in peacekeeping, not policing, diversity, not assimilation, and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.

    A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch and it is pronounced "zed" not "zee"- "zed."

    Canada's the second largest land mass, the first nation of hockey and the best part of North America! My name is Joe and I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!!! Thank you.

    I Love that commercial and I am proud that I am Canadian, aren't you? I AM CANADIAN! Show that you are Canadian by signing your name here and passing it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    "I LOVE YOU" in:

    Afrikaans : Ek is lief vir jou
    : Ek het jou lief
    Albanian : Te dua
    : Te dashuroj
    : Ti je zemra ime
    Alentejano : Gosto de ti, porra!
    Alsacien (Elsass) : Ich hoan dich gear
    Amharic (Aethio.) : Afekrishalehou
    : Afekrischalehou
    American Sign Language : __ (signed with right hand)
    : __ ( )
    : ( ) |__|
    : |__| __ __ | |
    : | |( )( )|__| __
    : |__||__||__|| | / )
    : | (__)(__) | / /
    : | |/ /
    : | / /
    : \ /
    Apache : Sheth she~n zho~n (nasalized vowels like
    French, '~n' as in French
    Arabic (formal) : Ohiboke (male to female)
    : Ohiboki (male to female)
    : Ohibokoma (male or female to two males
    or two females)
    : Nohiboke (more than one male or females
    to female)
    : Nohiboka (male to male or female to male)
    : Nohibokoma (male to male or female to two
    males or two females)
    : Nohibokom (male to male or female to more
    than two males)
    : Nohibokon (male to male or female to more
    than two females)
    Arabic (proper) : Ooheboki (male to female)
    : Ooheboka (female to male)
    Arabic : Ana behibak (female to male)
    : Ana behibek (male to female)
    : Ahebich (male to female)
    : Ahebik (female to male)
    : Ana ahebik
    : Ib'n hebbak
    : Ana ba-heb-bak
    : Bahibak (female to male)
    : Bahibik (male to female)
    : Benhibak (more than one male or female to male)
    : Benhibik (male to male or female to female)
    : Benhibkom (male to male or female to more
    than one male)
    : Nhebuk (spoken to someone of importance)
    Arabic (Umggs.) : Ana hebbek
    Armenian : Yes kez si'rumem
    Assamese : Moi tomak bhal pau

    Bangladeschi : Ami tomake walobashi
    Basque : Nere maitea
    Bassa : Mengweswe
    Batak : Holong rohangku di ho
    Bemba : Ndikufuna
    Bengali : Aami tomaake bhaalo baashi
    : Ami tomay bhalobashi
    : Ami tomake bahlobashi
    Berber : Lakh tirikh
    Bicol : Namumutan ta ka
    Bolivian Quechua : Qanta munani
    Bosnian : Volim te
    Braille : :..:| ..:| |..-.. .::":.., :.:;
    Brazilian/Portuguese : Eu te amo (pronounced 'eiu chee amu')
    : Amo te
    Bulgarian : Obicham te
    : As te obeicham
    : As te obicham
    : Obozhavam te ("I love you very much")
    Burmese : Chit pa de

    Cambodian : Kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah
    : Bon sro lanh oon
    Canadian French : Sh'teme (spoken, sounds like this)
    : Je t'aime ("I like you")
    : Je t'adore ("I love you")
    Catalan : T'estimo (Catalonian)
    : T'estim (Mallorcan)
    : T'estime (Valencian)
    : T'estim molt ("I love you a lot")
    Cebuano : Gihigugma ko ikaw
    Chamoru (or Chamorro) : Hu guaiya hao
    Cheyenne : Ne mohotatse
    Chichewa : Ndimakukonda
    Chickasaw : Chiholloli (first 'i' nasalized)
    Chinese : Goa ai li (Amoy)
    : Ngo oi ney (Cantonese)
    : Wo oi ney ( " )
    : Ngai oi gnee (Hakka)
    : Ngai on ni ( " )
    : Wa ai lu (Hokkien)
    : Wo ai ni (Mandarin)
    : Wo ie ni ( " )
    : Wuo ai nee ( " )
    : Wo ay ni ( " )
    : Wo ai ni (Putunghua)
    : Ngo ai nong (Wu)
    Corsican : Ti tengu cara (male to female)
    : Ti tengu caru (female to male)
    Creol : Mi aime jou
    Croatian (familiar) : Ja te volim (used in proper speech)
    : Volim te (used in common speech)
    Croatian (formal) : Ja vas volim (used in proper speech)
    : Volim vas (used in common speech)
    : Ljubim te (in todays useage, "I kiss you",
    'lj' pronounced like 'll' in
    Spanish, one sound, 'ly'ish)
    Croatian (old) : Ljubim te (may still be found in poetry)
    Czech : Miluji te (a downwards pointing arrowhead
    on top of the 'e' in te)
    : Miluju te! (colloquial form)
    : Ma'm te (velmi) ra'd (male speaker, "I like
    you (very much)", often
    used and prefered)
    : Ma'm te (velmi) ra'da (female speaker)

    Danish : Jeg elsker dig
    Dusun : Siuhang oku dia
    Dutch : Ik hou van je
    : Ik hou van jou
    : Ik bemin je (old fashioned)
    : Ik bemin jou ( " )
    : Ik heb je lief ( " )
    : Ik ben verliefd op je ("I am in love with you")
    : Ik ben verliefd op jou ( " )
    : Ik houd erg veel van jou ("I love you very
    : Ik houd erg veel van je much")
    : Ik vind je leuk ("I like you")
    : Ik vind je aardig ( " )
    : Ik vind je heel erg leuk ("I like you very
    : Ik vind je heel aardig much")
    : Ik mag jou wel ("I like you")
    : Ik mag jou heel graag ("I like you very much")
    (the last two are more superficial, thus more
    suitable for male to male)

    Ecuador Quechua : Canda munani
    English : I love you
    : I adore you
    : I love thee (used only in Christian context)
    Esperanto : Mi amas vin
    Estonian : Mina armastan sind
    : Ma armastan sind
    Ethiopian : Afgreki'

    Farsi (old) : Tora dust mi daram
    Farsi : Tora dost daram ("I love you")
    : Asheghetam
    : Doostat daram ("I'm in love with you")
    : Man asheghetam ("I'm in love with you")
    Filipino : Mahal kita
    : Iniibig kita
    Finnish (formal) : Mina" rakastan sinua
    : Rakastan sinua
    : Mina" pida"n sinusta ("I like you")
    Finnish : (Ma") rakastan sua
    : (Ma") tykka"a"n susta ("I like you")
    French : Je t'aime ("I love you")
    : Je t'adore ("I love you", stronger meaning
    between lovers)
    : J' t'aime bien ("I like you", meant for friends
    and family, not for lovers)
    French (formal) : Je vous aime

    Gaelic : Ta gra agam ort
    : Moo graugh hoo
    Ghanaian : Me dor wo
    German (formal) : Ich liebe Sie (rarely used)
    German : Ich liebe dich
    : Ich hab dich lieb (not so classic and
    German dialects:
    Bavarian (Bayrisch) : I moag di gern
    (Bavaria/Bayern) : I mog di (right answer: "I di a")
    : I lieb di
    Berlin dialect : Ick liebe dir (Old, very old)
    (Berlinerisch) : Ick liebe Dich
    Berner-Deutsch : Ig liebe di
    Bochumer : Ich lieb Dich!
    Franconian (Fra"nkisch): Du gfa"llsd mer fai
    (Franconia/Franken) : Bisd scho mai gouds freggerla (already in a
    : Mid dier ma"cherd ich a amol (sexually touched,
    ment as a compliment, not litterally)
    (the above 3 entries really mean "I like you",
    a Franke would never say "I love you")
    Friesian (Friesisch) : Ik hou fan dei (sp?)
    : Ik hald fan dei
    Hessian (Hessisch) : Isch habb disch libb
    Saarla"ndisch : Isch hann disch lieb
    Saxon (Sa"chsisch) : Isch liebdsch
    Swabian (Schwa"bisch) : ( ? )
    Swiss German : Ch'ha di ga"rn
    Vorarlberg dialect : I stand total uf di
    Greek : S'ayapo (spoken "s'agapo", 3rd letter is lower
    case 'gamma')
    : Eime eroteumenos mazi sou ("I'm in love with)
    : Eime eroteumenos me 'sena(you", male to female)
    : Eime eroteumeni mazi sou ("I'm in love with)
    : Eime eroteumeni me 'sena (you", female to male)
    : Se latrevo ("I adore you")
    : Se thelo ("I want you", denotes sexual desire)
    Greek (Arhea/Ancient) : Philo se
    Greenlandic : Asavakit
    Gronings : Ik hol van die
    Guarani' : Rohiyu (ro-hai'-hyu)
    Gujrati : Hoon tane pyar karoochhoon.
    : Hoon tuney chaoon chhoon ('n' is nasal, not

    Hausa : Ina sonki
    Hawaiian : Aloha wau ia oi
    : Aloha wau ia oi nui loa ("I love you
    very much")
    Hebrew : Anee ohev otakh (male to female)
    : Anee ohevet otkha (female to male)
    : Anee ohev otkha (male to male)
    : Anee ohevet otakh (female to female)
    ('kh' pronounced like
    Spanish 'j', Dutch 'g', or similiar to
    French 'r')
    Hindi : Mai tumase pyar karata hun (male to female)
    : Mai tumase pyar karati hun (female to male)
    : Mai tumse pyar karta hoon
    : Mai tumse peyar karta hnu
    : Mai tumse pyar karta hoo
    : Mai tujhe pyaar kartha hoo
    : Mae tumko peyar kia
    : Main tumse pyar karta hoon
    : Main tumse prem karta hoon
    : Main tuze pyar karta hoon ('n' is nasal, not
    Hopi : Nu' umi unangwa'ta
    Hungarian : Szeretlek
    : Te'gedet szeretlek ("It's you I love and
    no one else")
    : Szeretlek te'ged ("It's you I love, you know,
    you", a reinforcement)
    (The above two entries are never heard in
    a normal context.)

    Icelandic : Eg elska thig (pronounced 'yeg l-ska thig')
    Ilocano : Ay ayating ka
    Indonesian : Saya cinta padamu ('Saya', commonly used)
    : Saya cinta kamu ( " )
    : Saya kasih saudari ( " )
    : Saja kasih saudari ( " )
    : Aku tjinta padamu ('Aku', not often used)
    : Aku cinta padamu ( " )
    : Aku cinta kamu ( " )
    Italian : Ti amo (relationship/lover/spouse)
    : Ti voglio bene (between friends)
    : Ti voglio (strong sexual meaning, "I want
    you", refering to other person's
    Irish : Taim i' ngra leat
    Irish/Gaelic : t'a gr'a agam dhuit

    Japanese : Kimi o ai shiteru
    : Aishiteru
    : Chuu shiteyo
    : Ora omee no koto ga suki da
    : Ore wa omae ga suki da
    : Suitonnen
    : Sukiyanen
    : Sukiyo
    : Watashi wa anata ga suki desu
    : Watashi wa anata wo aishithe imasu
    : Watashi wa anata o aishitemasu
    : A-i-shi-te ma-su
    : Watakushi-wa anata-wo ai shimasu
    : Suki desu (used at the first time, like for a
    start, when you are not yet real lovers)
    Javanese : Kulo tresno

    Kannada : Naanu ninnanu preethisuthene
    : Naanu ninnanu mohisuthene
    Kikongo : Mono ke zola nge (mono ke' zola nge')
    Kiswahili : Nakupenda
    : Nakupenda wewe
    : Nakupenda malaika ("I love you, (my) angel")
    Klingon : bangwI' SoH ("You are my beloved")
    : qamuSHa' ("I love you")
    : qamuSHa'qu' ("I love you very much")
    : qaparHa' ("I like you")
    : qaparHa'qu' ("I like you very much!")
    (words are often unnecessary as the thought
    is most often conveyed nonverbally with
    special growlings)
    Korean : Dangsinul saranghee yo
    : Saranghee
    : Nanun dangsineul joahapnida ("I like you")
    : Nanun dangsineul mucheog joahapnida ("I like
    very much")
    : Nanun dangsineul saranghapnida
    : Nanun dangsineul mucheog saranghapnida ("I love
    you very much")
    : Nanun gdaega joa
    : Nanun gdaereul saranghapnida
    : Nanun neoreul saranghanda
    : Joahaeyo
    : Saranghaeyo (more formal)
    : Saranghapanida (more respectful)
    : Norul sarang hae
    : Tangshini choayo
    Kpele : I walikana
    Kurdish : Ez te hezdikhem

    Lao : Khoi hak jao
    : Khoi mak jao lai ("I love you very much")
    : Khoi hak jao lai ("I like you very much")
    : Khoi mak jao (This means "I prefer you",
    but is used for "I love you".)
    Latin : Te amo
    : Vos amo
    Latin (old) : (Ego) Amo te ('Ego', for emphasis)
    Latvian : Es tevi milu (pronounced 'es tevy meelu')
    ('i in 'milu' has a line over it,
    a 'long i')
    : Es milu tevi (less common)
    Lebanese : Bahibak
    Lingala : Nalingi yo
    Lisbon lingo : Gramo-te bue', chavalinha!
    Lithuanian : Tave myliu (Ta-ve mee-lyu)
    : Ash mir lutavah
    Lojban : Mi do prami
    Luo : Aheri
    Luxembourgish : Ech hun dech ga"r

    Maa : Ilolenge
    Macedonian : Te sakam (a little stronger than "I like you")
    : Te ljubam ("I really love you")
    : Jas te sakam ('j' sounds like 'y' in May)
    : Pozdrav ("Greetings")
    Madrid lingo : Me molas, Tronca!
    Maiese : Wa wa
    Malay/Indonesian : Saya cintakan kamu (grammatically correct)
    : Saya cinta akan kamu(expanded version of above)
    : Saya sayangkan kamu (grammatically correct)
    : Saya sayang akan kamu (expanded version)
    : Aku cinta pada mu (most direct translation)
    : Saya cintakan awak
    : Aku cinta pada kau
    : Saya cinta pada mu (best, most commonly used)
    : Saya sayangkan engkau ('engkau' often shortened
    to 'kau', 'engkau' is informal form and should
    only be used if you know the person _really_
    : Saya sayang pada mu
    : Aku sayangkan engkau
    : Saya sayang pada mu
    : Aku menyintai mu
    : Aku menyayangi mu
    : Aku kasih pada mu
    : Aku jatuh cinta padabot
    Malayalam : Ngan ninne snaehikkunnu
    : Njyaan ninne' preetikyunnu
    : Njyaan ninne' mohikyunnu
    Marathi : Mi tuzya var prem karato
    : Me tujhashi prem karto (male to female)
    : Me tujhashi prem karte (female to male)
    Mohawk : Konoronhkwa
    Moroccan : Kanbhik (both mean the same, but spoken)
    : Kanhebek (in different cities)

    Navaho : Ayor anosh'ni
    Ndebele : Niyakutanda
    Norwegian : Jeg elsker deg (Bokmaal)
    : Eg elskar deg (Nynorsk)
    : Jeg elsker deg (Riksmaal: outdated, formerly
    used by upper-class and
    conservative people)
    Nyanja : Ninatemba

    Op : Op lopveop yopuop
    Osetian : Aez dae warzyn

    Pakistani : Mujhe tumse muhabbat hai
    : Muje se mu habbat hai
    Papiamento : Mi ta stima'bo
    Pig Latin : Ie ovele ouye
    Phillipino : Mahal kita
    : Iniibig kita
    Polish : Kocham cie
    : Kocham ciebie
    : Ja cie kocham
    : Yacha kocham
    Portuguese/Brazilian : Eu te amo (pronounced 'eiu chee amu')
    : Amo te
    Pulaar : Mbe de yid ma (mbe: d: yidh ma)
    (Pronounced as two words,
    "Meb deyidma". 'b' and second
    'd' have bars through the stems
    indicating affrication, the ':'
    indicate minute pauses)
    Punjabi : Main tainu pyar karna
    : Mai taunu pyar karda

    Quenya : Tye-mela'ne

    Raetoromanisch : Te amo
    Romanian : Te iubesc
    : Te ador (stronger)
    Russian : Ya vas lyublyu (old fashioned)
    : Ya tyebya lyublyu (best)
    : Ya lyublyu vas (old fashioned)
    : Ya lyublyu tyebya

    Samoan : Ou te alofa outou
    : Talo'fa ia te oe
    Sanskrit : Anurag (a higher love, like the love of music
    or art)
    Scot-Gaelic : Tha gradh agam ort
    Serbian (formal) : Ja vas volim (used in proper speech)
    : Volim vas (used in common speech)
    : Ljubim te (in todays useage, "I kiss you",
    'lj' pronounced like 'll' in
    Spanish, one sound, 'ly'ish)
    Serbian (familiar) : Ja te volim (used in proper speech)
    : Volim te (used in common speech)
    Serbian (old) : Ljubim te (may still be found in poetry)
    Serbocroatian : Volim te
    : Ljubim te
    : Ja te volim ('j' sounds like 'y' in May)
    Shona : Ndinokuda
    Singhalese : Mama oyaata aadareyi
    : Mama oyata adarei
    Sioux : Techihhila
    Slovak : Lubim ta
    Slovene : Ljubim te
    Spanish : Te amo
    : Te quiero
    : Te adoro ("I adore you")
    : Te deseo ("I desire you")
    : Me antojis ("I crave you")
    Srilankan : Mama oyata arderyi
    Swahili : Nakupenda
    : Naku penda (followed by the person's name)
    : Ninikupenda
    : Dholu'o
    Swedish : Jag a"lskar dig
    Syrian/Lebanese : Bhebbek (male to female)
    : Bhebbak (female to male)

    Tagalog : Mahal kita
    Tahitian : Ua here au ia oe
    : Ua here vau ia oe
    Tamil : Naan unnai kadalikiren
    : Nan unnai kathalikaren
    : Ni yaanai kaadli karen ("You love me")
    : N^an unnaki kathalikkinren ("I love you")
    : Nam vi'rmberem
    Telugu : Ninnu premistunnanu
    : Neenu ninnu pra'mistu'nnanu
    : Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
    Thai (formal) : Phom rak khun (male to female)
    : Ch'an rak khun (female to male)
    Thai : Khao raak thoe (affectionate, sweet, loving)
    Tswana : Dumela
    Tunisian : Ha eh bak
    Turkish (formal) : Sizi seviyorum
    Turkish : Seni seviyorum
    : Seni begeniyorum ("I adore you")
    (g has a bar on it)
    Twi : Me dowapaa

    Ukrainian : Ya tebe kokhayu
    : Ja tebe kokhaju (real true love)
    : Ja vas kokhaju
    : Ja pokokhav tebe
    : Ja pokokhav vas
    Urdu : Main tumse muhabbat karta hoon
    : Mujhe tumse mohabbat hai
    : Mujge tumae mahabbat hai
    : Kam prem kartahai

    Vai : Na lia
    Vietnamese : Anh ye^u em (male to female)
    : Em ye^u anh (female to male)
    : Toi yeu em
    Vulcan : Wani ra yana ro aisha

    Welsh : Rwy'n dy garu di
    : Yr wyf i yn dy garu di (chwi)
    Wolof : Da ma la nope
    : Da ma la nop (da ma'lanop)

    Yiddish : Ikh hob dikh lib
    : Ich libe dich
    : Ich han dich lib
    Yucatec Maya : 'in k'aatech (the love of lovers)
    : 'in yabitmech (the love of family, which
    lovers can also feel; it
    indicates more a desire to
    spoil and protect the other
    Yugoslavian : Ja te volim

    Zazi : Ezhele hezdege (sp?)
    Zulu : Mena tanda wena
    : Ngiyakuthanda!
    Zuni : Tom ho' ichema

    Explanation of Languages
    Afrikaans -> spoken by people of Dutch heritage in South Africa
    Alentejano -> language spoken in Portugal
    Alsacien -> French/German dialect (live in France, but speak
    like Germans)
    Apache -> North American Indian Nation rangeing from the plains
    states to the eastern Rocky Mountains and from the
    Canadian to Mexican borders
    Arabic -> language spoken in the Arab countries including
    but not limited to Bahrain, Egypt, Iraq, Jordan,
    Kuwait, Libya, Morocco, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, and
    the region of Palestine.
    Assamese -> language spoken in the state of Assam, India
    Bassa -> language spoken in Africa
    Batak -> language spoken in the northern Sumatra province of
    Bavarian -> language spoken in the state of Bavaria, southern
    Germany (actually a German dialect)
    Bemba -> language spoken in Africa
    Bengali -> language spoken in the state of West Bengal, India,
    as well as almost all people of Bangladesh
    Bicol -> Philipino dialect
    Braille -> The alphabet represented by patterns of raised dots.
    It is 'read' by touch.
    Cebuano -> language spoken in Philipines near the town of Cebu
    Cheyenne -> North American Indian tribe, part of the Apache
    Chichewa -> language spoken in Malawi, Central Africa
    Chickasaw -> North American Indian tribe (southeastern Oklahoma)
    Creol -> French dialect spoken by people who migrated from
    Canada to the Louisiana, USA, area
    Dusun -> language spoken by the Dusun tribe, one of the largest
    in North Borneo
    Dutch -> language spoken in the Netherlands and the provinces
    of East- and West-Flanders, Antwerp, Limburg, and
    Flemmish-Brabant, Belgium
    Esperanto -> The International Language
    Farsi -> language spoken in Iran. Dialects of Farsi spoken in
    Pakistan and Afghanestan. Farsi is sometimes called
    Franconian -> German dialect spoken by the citizens of Franken or
    Franconia which is part of Bavaria in the area
    around Nuremberg
    French -> language spoken in France, Canada, and the provinces
    of Luxembourg, Namur, Liege, Hainault, and Brabant-
    Walloon(Brabant of the Walloons), Belgium
    Friesian -> language spoken in northern Holland, northern
    Germany, and in some parts of Denmark
    (mainly west coast)
    Gaelic -> language spoken in Ireland
    Gronings -> Dutch dialect
    Guarani' -> one of the two official languages in Paraguay
    Gujrati -> language spoken in the state of Gujrat, India, and
    Hakka -> Chinese dialect from Manchuria
    Hausa -> language spoken in Nigeria
    Hindi -> language spoken in the northern states of India
    Hopi -> North American Indian tribe (southwest, Arizona)
    Ilocano -> Filopino dialect
    Kannada -> language spoken in the state of Karnataka,
    southern India
    Kikongo -> language spoken in Zaire, Africa
    Klingon -> Spoken in Star Trek. Proper term for the language
    is "tlhIngan Hol". The Klingon homeworld is
    Qo'noS, in English it's Kronos.
    Kpele -> language spoken in Africa
    Lao -> language spoken in Laos and by the Laotian people
    living in northern Thailand
    Luo -> language spoken in Kenya
    Luxembourgish -> language spoken in Luxembourg and in the border areas
    in Belgium (Arlon), France (Thionville), and Germany.
    A mixture of French and German, with the emphasis on
    Maa -> language spoken in Africa
    Malayalam -> language spoken in the state of Kerala, India
    Marathi -> language spoken in the state of Maharastra, India
    (Bombay is the capital city)
    Mohawk -> North American Indian tribe (New England, maybe one of
    the Seven Nations/Iriquois?)
    Moroccan -> language spoken in Morocco, North Africa
    Navaho -> North American Indian tribe (southwest)
    Ndebele -> language spoken in Zimbabwe
    Nyanja -> language spoken in Africa
    Papiamento -> language spoken on the island of Aruba
    Pulaar -> dialect spoken in Senegal by the Fulani people
    Punjabi -> language spoken in the state of Punjab, northern India
    Quechua -> language spoken by Incan Indians (South America)
    Quenya -> Elvish language invented by J. R. R. Tolkien for his
    books. Notably, "The Lord of the Rings".
    Shona -> language spoken in Zimbabwe
    Singhalese -> Language of the non-Tamil (majority) people of
    Sri Lanka. Also spoken in Ceylon.
    Sioux -> North American Indian tribe (upper midwest)
    Swahili -> language spoken by some indigenous tribes of East
    Tagalog -> Philipino dialect
    Tamil -> language spoken in the state of Tamil Nadu, India,
    and in Sri Lanka, Singapore, Malaysia, Mauritus
    Telugu -> language spoken in the state of Andhra Pradesh, India
    (eleventh most spoken language in the world)
    Tswana -> language spoken in Africa
    Twi -> language spoken in Africa
    Urdu -> language spoken in Pakistan and India
    Vai -> language spoken in Africa
    Vulcan -> Spoken in Star Trek by Mr. Spock and others from
    the planet Vulcan
    Walloon -> literally Welsh(not English Welsh), a little used
    French dialect with certain German influences
    spoken in the provinces of Luxembourg, Namur,
    Liege, Hainault, and Brabant-Walloon(Brabant of
    the Walloons), Belgium
    Wolof -> dialect spoken in Senegal by the Wolof people
    Yucatec Maya -> language spoken by indigenous people of the Yucatan
    peninsula in Mexico
    Zazi -> Kurdic dialect
    Zuni -> North American Indian tribe

    a' -> 'a' with the acute accent (') over it (ASCII code 160)
    a" -> 'a' with two dots (Umlaut) (ASCII code 132)
    e^ -> ^ above e
    e' -> 'e' with the acute accent (') over it (ASCII code 130)

    (no guarantee for correctness though....)

    Something extra:

    ,g Qb ,g ,g Qg Qg
    dQ'QQ gQQ QQ gg ,QQ' QQ ,P QQ Qb
    Q' QQ oP QQ, dQ' `gQQ' QQ Q QQ `P
    QQ `QQ g oQ' ggQQb, QQ f QQ
    dQ' `b' oQ oP' "YQao QQ dQ' Dave Chin

    Hindu: (Om Shanti, Symbol of Peace and Love and Oneness)

    ** **
    ******* ******* * ** *
    *********** *********** *** ***
    **** ***** ***** ***** ********
    ***** ***** **** ***** ****
    ***** ***** ***** Ashesh Majumdar
    *** ***** ***** ***
    * ***** ******* ********
    ***** ******************** *
    ***** *********** ***** **
    ***** ***** ***** ***
    ***** ***** ***** ****
    ***** ***** ***** *****
    ***** ***** ***************
    ************* ***********
    ******** *****



    I love the rain........

    I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
    "Silent Night." Age 6

    I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
    of milk. Age 7

    I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
    stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9

    I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
    Mom makes me clean it up. Age 13

    I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
    try cheering someone else up. Age 14

    I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
    glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15

    I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
    words of advice. Age 24

    I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
    great pleasures. Age 26

    I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
    followed me there. Age 29

    I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me,
    I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39

    I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
    greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 46

    I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
    from the phone. Age 50

    I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
    handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
    tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52

    I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
    parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53

    I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
    making a life. Age 58

    I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
    Age 62

    I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
    mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
    Age 64

    I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
    But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work,
    meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will
    find you. Age 65

    I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually
    make the right decision. Age 66

    I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72

    I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell
    the truth, I've seen several. Age 73

    I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
    Age 82

    I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
    someone. People love that human touch-holding hands,
    a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85

    I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92

    Please pass this on to someone you care about. Sometimes they
    just need a little something to make them smile....


    I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
    clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the
    credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
    transaction unless the card was signed.

    When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
    compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just
    signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her.
    She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the
    receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

    An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health &
    Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids
    periodically to lubricate your eyes."

    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
    the local township administrative office to request the removal
    of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer
    were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross

    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She
    asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
    He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

    IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport
    employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
    without your knowledge?"

    I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
    He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

    Sighting #2:
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the
    street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker
    of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I
    explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
    She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing

    Sighting #3:
    At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is
    leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up
    and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more

    Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like
    deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

    Sighting #4:
    I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back
    into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her
    system would not turn on.

    Sighting #5:
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
    pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally
    locked in it. We went to the service department and found a
    mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

    As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the
    door handle and discovered it was open.

    "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!"

    "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."


    A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road at the same time.

    As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

    The man immediately leans out his window and shouts back, "BITCH!"

    They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

    If only men would listen.


    The Methodist Sequence
    (Just add "In Bed!" to the end of each of these hymns)

    I'll Praise My Maker While I've Breath...
    Men and Children Everywhere...
    Open Now Thy Gates of Beauty...
    How Great Thou Art...
    Holy, Holy, Holy! Lord God Almighty...
    Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee...
    Let All on Earth Their Voices Raise...
    How Firm a Foundation...
    How Are Thy Servants Blest, O Lord...
    How Gentle God's Commands...
    Unto the Hills I Lift Mine Eyes...
    We Gather Together...
    The Lord's My Shepherd, I'll Not Want...
    How Beauteous Were the Marks...
    How Sweet the Name of Jesus Sounds...
    Jesus, the Very Thought of Thee...
    Shepherd of Eager Youth...
    Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing...
    Blow Ye the Trumpet, Blow...
    O Jesus, Thou Art Standing...
    Father, I Stretch My Hands to Thee...
    O For a Faith that Will Not Shrink...
    Have Thine Own Way, Lord...
    I've Found a Friend...
    Lord Jesus, I Love Thee...
    Make Me a Captive, Lord...
    God Send Us Men...
    'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus...
    God Moves in a Mysterious Way...
    O How Happy Are They...
    Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus...
    What a Friend We have in Jesus...
    I Need Thee Every Hour...
    Master Speak! Thy Servant Heareth...
    O Love Divine, How Sweet Thou Art...
    Servant of God, Well Done...
    Blest Be the Tie That Binds...
    How Happy Are Thy Servants, Lord...
    The King Shall Come...
    O Come, O Come, Emmanuel...
    It Came Upon the Midnight Clear...
    O Love Divine, What Hast Thou Done...
    What Wondrous Love Is This...
    See How Great a Flame Aspires...
    The Lord Will Come and Not Be Slow...
    O God, Thou Giver of All Good...
    Happy the Home When God Is There...
    Blessed Is the Man...
    The Lord Is Good...
    Thou Art My God...
    God Is Good...
    Let Us Rejoice and Be Glad...
    With Shouts of Joy...
    Great Is the Lord...
    O Lord, Thou Art Great...
    God Himself Is With Us...
    Come, Let Us Sweetly Join...

    and my favorite... (which is Catholic, so shoot me)

    See How the Virgin Waits...


    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
    the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
    software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry
    applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention
    of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition,
    Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
    DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new,
    undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0,
    Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.
    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system.
    Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or
    HouseCleaning 2.6.

    I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose
    utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!!

    Thank You, Jane

    Dear Jane:

    This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due
    to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to
    Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT
    package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed
    by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you
    cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because
    Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within
    your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so
    nothing is gained.

    It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
    the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed
    once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error
    messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

    In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications,
    or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install
    Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more
    problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under
    "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support". You will notice that this program
    runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend
    you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and
    illogical system.

    Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
    entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This a
    wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent
    company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must
    assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of
    root cause.
    To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU
    LOVED ME" Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering
    the command.
    Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and
    Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

    Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
    more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
    command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can
    also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet,
    Beer 6.0.
    Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
    FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to
    delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

    Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all
    GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run
    all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program,
    but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications

    Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally
    recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
    conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running
    smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
    and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
    FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2, and BestFriend 7.6.

    A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install
    MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause
    selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only
    Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

    I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
    Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
    coming years.
    We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!



    Subject: Wife 1.0

    To: Technical Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
    that the new program began unexpected child processing that
    took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of
    this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
    addition, Wife1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
    launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
    system activity.

    Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5
    and Monday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system
    whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the
    background while attempting to run some of my other favorite
    applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
    but the un-install for Wife 1.0 does not work.

    Can you help me, please!!!


    Lord Joe Nevanen
    Mission, TX

    Tech Support Writes Back

    Dear Lord Joseph:

    This is a very common problem male employees complain
    about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many
    people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that
    Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT
    program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
    designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you
    would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to
    Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would
    cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

    It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
    from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend
    7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried
    to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more
    problems than the original system.

    Look in your help files under "Warnings-Alimony/Child
    Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with
    the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
    suggest you read the entire section regarding General
    Partnership Faults(GPFs). You must assume all
    responsibility for faults and problems that might
    occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be
    to enter the DOS-command

    C:\APOLOGIZE or click the I'M SORRY! Icon for Macintosh
    systems. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because
    ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE/SORRY
    command before the operating system will return to normal. The
    system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
    the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high

    Consider buying additional software to improve the performance
    of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.
    DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
    Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is
    likely to cause irreversible damage to YOUR hardware.

    Best of luck.

    M O J D E H H O J J A T I
    Texpress Internacional
    Morelos #105-B, Col. Centro
    Texcoco, Edo. de Mexico 56100

    Tel.: (595) 11654
    Fax : (595) 45977


    Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
    explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
    ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly, since
    they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them. Of
    course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might
    end up with a scenario like the following:

    Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

    Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
    That'll be $3.99.

    J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

    C: Sorry, they're bundled.

    J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

    C: You don't; the Coke is free.

    J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

    C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
    got integrated Coke!

    J: I already bought a Mountain Dew (ok, ok - Snapple) across the street
    I'm not going to drink the Coke.

    C: Then you can't have the burger.

    C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally

    J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

    C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

    J: Why did you just do that?!?!

    C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
    two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of
    a continuous taste across all your foods.


    A good site for finding out what acronyms mean is

    Here's some fun stuff for every one. Just pass it on so that people know what ur talking about when you write something. Also, if you have your own smiley or an abbreviation thats not on here just copy and paste this into another email and add it on. Maybe if if you want you start a whole new category. Oh well have fun!!! Remember pass this on please.


    2U2 = To You, Too
    AAMOF = As A Matter Of Fact
    AFAIK = As Far As I Know
    AFAIC = As Far As I'm Concerned
    AFAICT = As Far As I Can Tell
    AFK = Away From Keyboard
    ASAP = As Soon As Possible
    BAK = Back At Keyboard
    BBL = Be Back Later
    BITMT = But In The Meantime
    BOT = Back On Topic
    BRB = Be Right Back
    BTW = By the way
    C4N = Ciao For Now
    CRS = Can't Remember "Stuff"
    CU = See You
    CUL(8R) = See You Later
    CWOT = Complete Waste Of Time
    CYA = See Ya
    DITYID = Did I Tell You I'm Distressed?
    DIY = Do It Yourself
    EOD = End Of Discussion
    EZ = Easy
    F2F = Face To Face
    FAQ = Frequently Asked Questions
    FBOW = For Better Or Worse
    FOAF = Friend Of A Friend
    FOCL = Falling Off Chair Laughing
    FWIW = For What It's Worth
    FYA = For Your Amusement
    FYI = For Your Information
    /ga = Go Ahead
    GAL = Get A Life
    GBTW = Get Back To Work
    GFC = Going For Coffee
    GFETE = Grinning From Ear To Ear
    GMTA = Great Minds Think Alike
    GR&D = Grinning, Running & Ducking
    GTG = Got To Go
    GTGTTBR = Got To Go To The Bathroom
    GTRM = Going To Read Mail
    HAND = Have A Nice Day
    HHOK = Ha Ha Only Kidding
    HTH = Hope This Helps
    IAC = In Any Case
    IAE = In Any Event
    IC = I See
    IDGI = I Don't Get It
    IMCO = In My Considered Opinion
    IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
    IMNSHO = in My Not So Humble Opinion
    IMO = In My Opinion
    IMPE = In My Previous/Personal Experience
    IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
    IOTTMCO = Intuitively Obvious To The Most Casual Observer
    IOW = In Other Words
    IRL = In Real Life
    ISP = Internet Service Provider
    IYKWIM = If You Know What I Mean
    JIC = Just In Case
    J/K = Just kidding
    KISS = Keep It Simple Stupid
    L8TR = Later
    LD = Later Dude
    LOL = Laughing Out Loud
    LTNS = Long Time No See
    MorF = Male or Female, or person who asks that question
    MTCW = My Two Cents Worth
    NRN = No Reply Necessary
    ONNA = Oh No, Not Again!
    OTOH = On The Other Hand
    OTTOMH = Off The Top Of My Head
    OIC = Oh I See
    OTF = On The Floor
    OLL = Online Love
    PCMCIA = People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    PLS = Please
    PU = That Stinks!
    REHI = Hello Again (re-Hi!)
    ROFL = Rolling On Floor Laughing
    ROTF = Rolling On The Floor
    ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
    RSN = Real Soon Now
    RTDox = Read The Documentation/Directions
    RTFM = Read The Frickin' Manual
    RUOK = Are You OK?
    SNAFU = Situation Normal; All Fouled Up
    SO = Significant Other
    SOL = Smiling Out Loud (or You're Out of Luck)
    TANSTAAFL = There Ain't No Such Thing As A Free Lunch
    TAFN = That's All For Now
    TEOTWAWKI - The End Of The World As We Know It
    THX = Thanks
    TIA = Thanks In Advance
    TLK2UL8R = Talk to you later
    TMK = To My Knowledge
    TOS = Terms Of Service
    TPTB = The Powers That Be
    TSWC = Tell Someone Who Cares
    TTBOMK = To The Best Of My Knowledge
    TTFN = Ta-Ta For Now
    TTYL(8R) = Talk To You Later
    TWIMC = To Whom It May Concern
    Txs = Thanks
    URL = Web Page Address
    w/b = Welcome Back
    w/o = Without
    WRT = With Regard To
    WTG = Way To Go
    WU? = What's Up?
    WWW = World Wide Web
    WYSIWYG = What You See Is What You Get
    Y2K = Year 2000
    YGIAGAM = Your Guess Is As Good As Mine
    YGWYPF = You Get What You Pay For
    YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary
    ZZZ = Sleeping

    0:) or 0:-) = Angel
    :II or :-II = Angry
    :@ or :-@ = Angry or screaming
    >:-( = Angry, annoyed
    |-I = Asleep
    ;)=) or ;-)=)= Big grin
    :1 or :-1 = Bland face
    :o or :-o = Bored
    :c or :-c = Bummed out
    :'( or :'-)= Crying/sad
    :> or :-> = Devilish grin
    :6 or :-6 = Eating something sour
    }) or }-) = Evil
    :] or :-] = Friendly
    :( or :-( = Frowning
    :/ or :-/ = Frustrated
    8) or 8-) = Glasses
    :D or :-D = Grinning
    { } = Hug
    :*) or :-*) = Kiss
    :x or :-x = Kissing
    :))) or :-))) = Laughing or double chin
    :.) or :.-) = Laughing tears
    :$ or :-$ = Mouth wired shut
    :X or :-X = Mute
    :l or :-I = Not talking
    :Y or :-Y = Quiet aside
    :[ or :-[ = Real downer
    :< or :-< = Sad
    :> or:-> = Sarcastic
    B) or B-) = Shades
    =:) or =:-) = Shocked
    :Z or :-Z = Sleeping
    :) or :-) = Smiling
    :O or :-O = Surprised
    :() or :-() = Talking
    :P or :-P = Tongue out
    :& or :-& = Tongue-tied
    I) or I-) = Trekkie
    :^( = Unhappy, looking away
    ;) or ;-)= Winking
    :} or :-} = Wry smile

    _O-) = Aquanaut
    :=8) = Baboon
    @:-] = Baby
    =:-) = Bad hair day
    (:-) = Bald
    :o) = Boxer's nose
    *:o) = Bozo the Clown
    :-{#} = Braces
    :-E = Bucktoothed Vampire
    :-F = Bucktoothed Vampire with one tooth missing
    cl:-= = Charlie Chaplin
    C=:-) = Chef
    %-) = Cross-eyed
    O-) = Cyclops
    #-) = Dead
    <:-) = Dunce's hat
    }:-> = The Devil
    :-[ = Dracula
    :-3 = Has eaten a lemon
    <<<<(:-) = Hat salesman
    (-: = Left-handed smiley
    8:-) = Little girl
    :-{} = Lipstick
    :-.) = Madonna or Marilyn Monroe
    (8-o = Mr. Bill
    :<) or :-{ = Moustache
    .-) = One-eyed
    :@) = Pig
    :-? = Pipe smoker
    P-) = Pirate
    K:P = Propeller beenie
    =:-I = Punk Rocker
    [:] = Robot
    *<-:-{{{ = Santa
    *<;{o> = Santa
    (:)-) = Scuba-diving
    .^) = Side view
    :-Q = Smoking
    ?-( = Sorry, I don't know what went wrong
    %-) = Stared too long at monitor
    B:-) = Sunglasses on head
    8-) = Swimmer
    =|:-)= = Uncle Sam or Abe Lincoln
    X-) = Unconscious
    [:-) = Wearing a Walkman
    {:-) = Wig

    Remember, PASS THIS ON!!! :) Tnx


    Introduction to Chinese


    Ai Bang Mai Ne--------------I bumped into the coffee table
    Ar U Wun Tu-----------------A gay liberation greeting
    Chin Tu Fat-----------------You need a face lift
    Dum Gai---------------------A stupid person
    Gun Pao Der-----------------An ancient Chinese invention
    Hu Flung Dung---------------Which one of you fertilized the field?
    Hu Yu Hai Ding--------------We have reason to believe you are harboring
    a fugutive
    Jan Ne Ka Sun---------------A former late night talk show host
    Kum Hia---------------------Approach me
    Lao Ze Sho------------------Gilligan's Island
    Lao Zi----------------------Not very good
    Lin Ching-------------------An illegal execution
    Moon Lan Ding---------------A great achievement of the American space
    Ne Ahn----------------------A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
    Shai Gai--------------------A bashful person
    Tai Ne Bae Be---------------A premature infant
    Tai Ne Po Ne----------------A small horse
    Ten Ding Ba-----------------Serving drinks to people
    Wan Bum Lung----------------A person with T.B.
    Yu Mai Te Tan---------------Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
    Wa Shing Kah----------------Cleaning an automobile
    Wai So Dim------------------Are you trying to save electricity?
    Wai U Shao Ting-------------There is no reason to raise your voice


    It was clear that one day the Ivy League would grow
    desperate. The year was 2020, the average tuition (per
    year) for each institution was $84,242 and they just
    weren't getting enough applicants. So they decided, in a
    rash, unprecendented move, to take out advertising in the
    middle of Sesame Street episodes, to differentiate
    themselves from their competitors. Read on for their
    masterful slogans...

    BROWN: Hey kids! Is half of your head shaved? Do
    you havea nose ring? Are you terribly progressive and do you have a
    lot of empathy? Are you sick and tired of silly things
    like grades and majors? COME TO BROWN!!!

    COLUMBIA: Hey kids! Do you like Harlem? Do you like
    commuters? Are you planning on transferring to another Ivy
    school after your freshman year? COME TO COLUMBIA!!!

    HARVARD: Hey kids! Do you hate teachers? I mean really
    hate them? Do you never want to have another teacher
    again? And what about a social life? Do you hate that,
    too? COME TO HARVARD!!!

    PRINCETON: Hey kids! Do you have any idea what an eating
    club is? Are you pompous? Can you learn to be? Are you the
    smartest person you know? How many clubs were you in in
    high school? Have you always dreamed of living in the
    great state of New Jersey? COME TO PRINCETON!!!

    PENN: Hey kids! Did you like high school a lot?
    How aboutfour more years of the same? Are you dying to visit scenic
    West Philadelphia? Does the concept of rigorous academics
    scare you? COME TO PENN!!!

    CORNELL: Hey kids! Do you hate intimacy? Are you
    interested in jumping off high places? Have you ever
    wanted to converse with future hotel managers? Do you like
    bureaucracy? Do you like archaic forms and the chance to
    stand in lines with the best and brightest? COME TO
    CORNELL -- The Big Red Tape!!!

    YALE: Hey kids! Do you want to get shot? COME TO YALE!!!

    DARTMOUTH: Hey kids! Do you hate civilization? Looking to
    get away from stuff like culture and people? Do you like
    to drink? Do you like to drink some more? Do you like to
    continue to drink? And what's your feeling on drinking?

    VANDERBILT: Hey kids! Do you like to
    sweat? Does binge drinking in your room before you go out
    sound like fun? Do you enjoy being around rich blondes and
    finding a date to watch a football team that sucks? Come to

    M.I.T.: Hey kids! Are you a freakish nerd? Do you want to
    be? Do you hate doing anything that doesn't involve math?
    That's right, math! Math math math math math! COME TO
    M.I.T.!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!


    From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
    asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."

    I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
    don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
    clothes on the last day of their life?
    --Age 15

    Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
    things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
    --Age 13

    It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
    like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we would have a lot of
    people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
    the long weekends.
    --Age 8

    Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
    any old yokel vote.
    --Age 10

    Home is where the house is.
    --Age 6

    I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
    --Age 13

    I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
    people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.
    --Age 15

    For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
    Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
    what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
    --Age 6

    My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
    get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
    should have told him the truth-that most of us go to hell and burn
    eternally-but I didn't want to upset him.
    --Age 10

    I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
    which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
    appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
    right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
    Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I
    show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have
    found many more than four basic elements and show him a periodic
    table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with
    wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
    --Age 15

    When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
    have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
    --Age 5

    I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
    just a lawn mower.
    --Age 11

    I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
    the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water
    for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
    gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Then there
    was a big fire and everyone died.
    --Age 13

    I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
    Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
    stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.
    --Age 14

    As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
    few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of
    days saved up.
    --Age 7

    Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
    That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
    --Age 15

    It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
    No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
    would be right there.
    --Age 5

    Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
    you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest
    number you could come up with!
    --Age 6

    The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
    "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
    morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
    --Age 15

    Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
    feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
    --Age 15

    If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
    peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
    looting started.
    --Age 15


    If you throw a cat out the window, is it considered kitty litter?

    If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he
    still wrong?

    Why do we drive on parkways, and park on driveways?

    If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
    considered a hostage situation?

    If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

    Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still
    grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

    Is there another word for synonym?

    Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

    When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

    When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown

    Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

    Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

    Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

    Why do they report power outages on TV?

    What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered

    Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

    Is it possible to be totally partial?

    What's another word for thesaurus?

    If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON. how do they make it stick to the pan?

    If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

    Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

    Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

    If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day. 365 days a year. why are there locks on the

    If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights

    If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

    If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

    When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

    If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain

    Why is the word abbreviation so long?

    When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

    If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

    Can a fat person go skinny dipping?

    Why do you need a drivers licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and

    Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

    Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

    Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

    Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

    Have you ever imagined a world with out hypothetical situations?

    How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the morning?

    If a cow laughed. would milk come out her nose?

    If your in a vehicle going the speed of light. what happens when you turn on
    the headlights?

    Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

    Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment.
    but when you transport something by ship. its cargo?

    You know that little indestructable black box that is used on planes. Why
    dont they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

    Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address. you turn down
    the volume on the radio?



    The day is over, you are driving home. You tune in your radio. You hear a little
    blurb about a little village in India where some villagers have died suddenly,
    strangely, of a flu that has never been seen before. It's not influenza, but three or
    four fellows are dead, and it's kind of interesting, and they're sending some
    doctors over there to investigate it.

    You don't thing much about it, but on Sunday, coming home from church, you
    hear another radio spot. Only they say it's not three villagers, it's 30,000
    villagers in the back hills of this particular area of India, and it's on TV that
    night. CNN runs a little blurb; people are heading there from the disease center
    in Atlanta because this disease strain has never been seen before.

    By Monday morning when you get up, it's the lead story. For it's not just India;
    it's Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, and before you know it, you're hearing this story
    everywhere and they have coined it now as "the mystery flu". The President has
    made some comment that he and everyone are praying and hoping that all will
    go well over there. But everyone is wondering, "How are we going to contain
    it?" That's when the President of France makes an announcement that shocks
    Europe. He is closing their borders. No flights from India, Pakistan, or any of
    the countries where this thing has been seen.

    And that's why that night you are watching a little bit of CNN before going to
    bed. Your jaw hits your chest when a weeping woman is translated from a
    French news program into English: "There's a man lying in a hospital in Paris
    dying of the mystery flu." It has come to Europe. Panic strikes. As best they can
    tell, once you get it, you have it for a week and you don't know it. Then you
    have four days of unbelievable symptoms. And then you die.

    Britain closes it's borders, but it's too late. South Hampton, Liverpool ,North
    Hampton, and it's Tuesday morning when the President of the United States
    makes the following announcement: "Due to a national security risk, all flights
    to and from Europe and Asia have been canceled. If your loved ones are
    overseas, I'm sorry. They cannot come back until we find a cure for this thing."

    Within four days our nation has been plunged into an unbelievable fear. People
    are selling little masks for your face. People are talking about what if it comes to
    this country, and preachers on Tuesday are saying, "It's the scourge of God."

    It's Wednesday night and you are at a church prayer meeting when somebody
    runs in from the parking lot and says, "Turn on a radio, turn on a radio." And
    while the church listens to a little transistor radio with a microphone stuck up to
    it, the announcement is made. "Two women are lying in a Long Island hospital
    dying from the mystery flu." Within hours it seems this thing just sweeps across
    the country. People are working around the clock trying to find an antidote.
    Nothing is working. California. Oregon. Arizona. Florida. Massachusetts. It's as
    though it's just sweeping in from the borders.

    And then, all of a sudden the news comes out. The code has been broken. A cure
    can be found. A vaccine can be made. It's going to take the blood of somebody
    who hasn't been infected, and so, sure enough, all through the Midwest, through
    all those channels of emergency broadcasting, everyone is asked to do one
    simple thing: "Go to your downtown hospital and have your blood type taken.
    That's all we ask of you. And when you hear the sirens go off in your
    neighborhood, please make your way quickly, quietly, and safely to the

    Sure enough, when you and your family get down there late on that Friday night,
    there is a long line, and they've got nurses and doctors coming out and pricking
    fingers and taking blood and putting labels on it. Your wife and your kids are
    out there, and they take your blood type and they say, "Wait here in the parking
    lot and if we call your name, you can be dismissed and go home."

    You stand around scared with your neighbors, wondering what in the world is
    going on, and that this is the end of the world. Suddenly a young man comes
    running out of the hospital screaming. He's yelling a name and waving a
    clipboard. What? He yells it again! And your son tugs on your jacket and says,
    "Daddy, that's me."

    Before you know it, they have grabbed your boy. "Wait a minute, hold it!" And
    they say, "It's okay, his blood is clean. His blood is pure. We want to make sure
    he doesn't have the disease. We think he has got the right type." Five tense
    minutes later, out come the doctors and nurses, crying and hugging one another -
    some are even laughing.

    It's the first time you have seen anybody laugh in a week, and an old doctor
    walks up to you and says, "Thank you, sir. Your son's blood type is perfect It's
    clean, it is pure, and we can make the vaccine." As the word begins to spread all
    across that parking lot full of folks, people are screaming and praying and
    laughing and crying.

    But then the gray-haired doctor pulls you and you wife aside and says, "May we
    see you for a moment? We didn't realize that the donor would be a minor and we
    need . . . we need you to sign a consent form." You begin to sign and then you
    see that the number of pints of blood to be taken is empty.

    "H-h-h-how many pints?" And that is when the old doctor's smile fades and he
    says, " We had no idea it would be a little child. We weren't prepared. We need
    it all!" " But - but..." "You don't understand. We are talking about the world
    here. Please sign. We - we need it all - we need it all!" "But can't you give him a
    transfusion?" "If we had clean blood we would. Can you sign? Would you

    In numb silence you do. Then they say, "Would you like to have a moment with
    him before we begin?"

    Can you walk back? Can you walk back to that room where he sits on a table
    saying, "Daddy? Mommy? What's going on?" Can you take his hands and say,
    "Son, your mommy and I love you, and we would never ever let anything
    happen to you that didn't just have to be. Do you understand that?" And when
    that old doctor comes back in and says, "I'm sorry, we've - we've got to get
    started. People all over the world are dying." Can you leave? Can you walk out
    while he is saying, "Dad? Mom? Dad? Why - why have you forsaken me?"

    And then next week, when they have the ceremony to honor your son, and some
    folks sleep through it, and some folks don't even come because they go to the
    lake, and some folks come with a pretentious smile and just pretend to care.
    Would you want to jump up and say, "MY SON DIED! DON'T YOU CARE?"

    Is that what He wants to say? "MY SON DIED. DON'T YOU KNOW HOW

    "Father, seeing it from your eyes breaks our hearts. Maybe now we can begin to
    comprehend the great love you have for us. Amen."


    Jesus vs. Satan

    Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on
    his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of
    hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to
    set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better

    So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused.
    They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent
    e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did
    some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.

    But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed
    across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the
    electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every
    curse word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed.

    The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted
    their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's
    gone! It's gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

    Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
    past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated!
    How did he do it?"

    God shrugged and said, "Jesus Saves."


    Ever look at the Help wanted ads and wonder what they really mean
    Here is our guide to Job Search Lingo

    **"Competitive Salary"
    We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

    **"Join our fast-paced company"
    We have no time to train you.

    **"Casual work atmosphere"
    We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up;
    a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

    **"Some overtime required"
    Some every night and some every weekend.

    **"Duties will vary"
    Anyone in the office can boss you around.

    **"Must have an eye for detail"
    We have no quality assurance.

    Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

    **"Apply in person"
    If you're old, fat or ugly
    you'll be told that the position has been filled.

    **"Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience"
    You'll need it to replace the three people who just quit.

    **"Problem-solving skills a must"
    You're walking into perpetual chaos.

    **"Requires team leadership skills"
    You'll have the responsibilities of a manager,
    without the pay or respect.

    **"Good communication skills"
    Management communicates, you listen,
    figure out what they want and do it.

    The other side of the coin ....
    Phrases for you to use in an interview:

    **"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
    I've used Microsoft Office.

    **"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable"
    I pilfer office supplies.

    **"I take pride in my work"
    I blame others for any mistakes.

    **"I'm personable"
    I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

    **"I am very adaptable"
    I've changed jobs a lot.

    **"I am on the go"
    I'm never at my desk.

    **"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
    The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.


    The answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a

    Michael Jordan makes over $300,000 a game. That equals
    $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game. With
    $40 million in endorsements, he makes $178,100 a day,
    working or not.

    If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night
    while vision of sugarplums dance in his head.

    If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make
    $18,550 while he's there.

    If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while
    boiling it.

    He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

    He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

    If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it
    would take him a whole 12 hours.

    If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement
    money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every

    He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but
    will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

    Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income
    into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap
    of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

    If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd
    be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

    He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in
    the Olympics.

    He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

    While the common