In the beginning God created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004
B.C.. And God said, let there be light; and there was light. And when there was
Light, God saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got down to work; for
verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus
skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings at Lasceaux.
And that was that, for the first Work Day.
And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And God said, Let the heavens be divided from the earth;
and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but not too
deep. And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that was that. And
the morning and the evening and the overtime were Tuesday.
And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that was that.
And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called he the Sea. And in
the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas
put he thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and
other ligneous matter; and all these called he Resources; and he made them
Abundant. And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles
from the dry land,called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese
nodules, for instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day;
which he called Wednesday.
And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature I can
think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or
claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let each one be of a separate
species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like, whensoever I like. And the earth
brought forth abundantly all creatures, great and small, with and without
backbones, with and without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs
and all, from bugs to brontosauruses. But God blessed them all, saying, Be
fruitful and multiply and Evolve Not.
And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for what
it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and some madeth it and
some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and God was pleased. And God took
the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them to appear mighty old; and cast he
them about the land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that had not
madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and cast he them about likewise.
And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt God created
carbon dating. And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day
which was Thursday, God saw that he had put in another good day's work.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is tall
and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys, which
resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the fowl of the air and
every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God created Man in His own image;
tall and well-formed and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like the
And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon
the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas. And to
every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I have given also every green
herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But hey shall be for you. And the Lord
God your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin
and the claw; thus shall Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good; and
God said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can accomplish. With
a lot of fool regulations this could have taken billions of years. And the evening
of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's
Friday. And God made the weekend.