(From "The Daily Universe", the BYU daily newspaper, February 9, 1998)
(Snide Remarks, by Eric Snyder)
Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big boat that
sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is just now getting
worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the women here - have seen
this movie several times. And I would like to know why. Have the principles of
film-making not been adequately explained to you, so you think there's a chance
the movie will end differently if you see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose
Your Own Adventure" movie? Because it's not. No matter how many times you
see it, the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die, including
the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the way down.
I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the Titanic took
only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note to reader: From
the following choices, select the "this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and
go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this
movie. Many marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice
during this movie. Three Eastern European nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and
Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while I was watching this movie.
As a public service, then, I am offering my much-shortened screenplay which
some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the script for a shorter version
of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot of money.
1) Titanic Summarized
Scene 1 -
KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount
KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they
know these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
KATE: Thank you. So are you.
LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least
a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so
therefore we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo
who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than
you, even though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
Scene 2 -
LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact
that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
course you have to take off your clothes.
KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand
for that sort of thing?
LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the
film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo
will sell out.
NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)
Scene 3 -
FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of
ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)
FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?
Scene 4 -
LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.
KATE: That is terrible.
LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to
Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow
less annoying than you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the
fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned
LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway...
AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
Scene 5 -
150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil
fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it
hadn't been for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey!
Don't you walk away from me! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
(Fade to black. Roll credits and play annoyingly overplayed Celine