Eight Jokes

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Preacher & Peanuts

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
As he is sitting there talking with her, he
notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
front of him.

'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks
the lady.

'Help yourself,' she replies.

After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up
to leave and notices that he has eated almost all
of the peanuts in the bowl.

'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
only meant to eat a few.'

'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my
teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the
chocolate off of them.'

------------------------------

Dumb Faith

A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come
up. The water starts rising, and before you know
it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered.
Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.
Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to
save you. Get in the boat.'

Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that
God will save me.'

The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy
is forced up the second floor of his house by the
flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in
the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If
you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.'

From the second floor window the guy says,
'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll
save me.'

The boat leaves. Water's rising. The
guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead
and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last
chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come
now you're going to drown.'

The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will
save me.'

The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The
water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly
gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've
been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he
would save me. Why did he let me down?'

And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you
want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'

----------------------------------

A cop pulls a man over. The driver asks the cop why you pull me over.
"because you were speeding!"

"no I wasnt"

"yes you were"

"no i wasnt"

etc. etc. etc. back and forth. Finally the cop is really pissed and asks
the mans wife, "o.k. Ma'me you settle this, was your husband speeding or
not?

"Officer I have been married to this man for 30 years and the one
thing Ive learned is never to argue with him when hes drunk!""

-----------------------------------

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young
man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
pharmacist."

------------------------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my
husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.

-------------------------------------------

The was a man who was exploring parts of Tibet when he came upon a ship
with all sorts af strange antiques. He found a strange statue of a
bronze mouse that he had to have. The old storekeeper told him "$10,000
for the mouse and $10,000 for the story behind it."

The man told him that he would just take the mouse. As he left out of
the shop, he noticed several mice following him. He nervously picked up
his pace and started to walk faster. Each block he walked more and more
mice came out of the woodwork to follow him. By the time he started to
run there were thousands of mice running after him. He came to the river
and heaved the bronze mouse into the river - all the mice that were
following him also jumped into the river.

When the man returned to the shop where he bought the bronze mouse, the
storekeeper said "Ahh, so I see you have some to hear the story after
all."

The man replied, "Actually, I came to see if you have a bronze lawyer"

-------------------------------------

6 reasons computers must be female

1) No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.
2) As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
4) The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to every one else.
5) The message, "bad command or file name", is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you"
6) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

------------------------------------

Spare Parts

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let
it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."

On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just
smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well,
good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."

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  461. [page] The 80 S
  462. [page] The Balloonist
  463. [page] The Bank Account
  464. [page] The Beer Song
  465. [page] The Best Things About Being A Girl
  466. [page] The Bible In 50 Words
  467. [page] The Birdies
  468. [page] The Doll And A White Rose
  469. [page] The Eighties
  470. [page] The English Language
  471. [page] The Fence
  472. [page] The Finger
  473. [page] The History Of The World AP Style
  474. [page] The Homosexual Agenda
  475. [page] The Ideal Resume
  476. [page] The Last 10 Things A Man And A Woman Would Say
  477. [page] The Living Dead
  478. [page] The Man Who Loved Beans
  479. [page] The Mathematics Of Relationships
  480. [page] The Movies
  481. [page] The New Priest
  482. [page] The Old Lady Bet
  483. [page] The Perfect Joke
  484. [page] The Perfect Worker
  485. [page] The Six Basic Types Of Chain Letters
  486. [page] The South
  487. [page] The Stock Market
  488. [page] The Taco Bell Chihuahua
  489. [page] The Top 14 Special Powers Of The Young Darth Vader
  490. [page] The Ugly Duckling
  491. [page] The World S Thinnest Books
  492. [page] Things Guys Think Girls Should Know
  493. [page] Things I Must Remember - By A Puppy
  494. [page] Things You Don T Want To Hear Over An Airline PA System
  495. [page] Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
  496. [page] Things That Bother Me
  497. [page] Things To Do At A Boring Movie
  498. [page] Things To Do At The Mall
  499. [page] Things To Say At Thanksgiving
  500. [page] This Year S Freshmen
  501. [page] Three Jokes
  502. [page] Three Strong Mice
  503. [page] Tickle-Me Elmo Factory
  504. [page] Time For God
  505. [page] Tips For A Lifetime
  506. [page] Tipsey Fruit Cake Recipe (Alternate)
  507. [page] Tipsy Fruit Cake Recipe
  508. [page] Titanic (the Short Sarcastic Version)
  509. [page] Titanic S Last Mystery Revealed
  510. [page] To My Dear Girlfriend
  511. [page] To Women Everywhere From A Man Who S Had Enough
  512. [page] Tom Swifties
  513. [page] Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created
  514. [page] Top 10 Slogans Rejected By Motel 6
  515. [page] Top 10 Summer Camps You Should Not Send Your Kids To
  516. [page] Top 10 Signs That You Know It S Time To Join E-mailers Anonymous
  517. [page] Top 11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked
  518. [page] Top 12 Pick Up Lines And Comebacks
  519. [page] Top 21 Things Not To Say When Pulled Over
  520. [page] Top 25 Signs That You Have Already Grown Up
  521. [page] Top 33 Sexually Suggestive Lines In Star Wars
  522. [page] Top 36 Seminars For Males
  523. [page] Top 50 Things To Say When You Catch Your Roomate Having Sex
  524. [page] Top Seven Fears Of The Fabric Softener Bear
  525. [page] Top Ten Elf Pick-Up Lines
  526. [page] Top Ten Reasons Trick Or Treating Is Better Than Sex
  527. [page] Top Ten Reasons It Sucks To Be A Dick
  528. [page] Top Ten Rejected Slogans For Firestone Tires
  529. [page] Top Ten Rejection Lines Given By Men And Women
  530. [page] Top Ten Sex Jokes
  531. [page] Top Ten Signs You Re At A Redneck Wedding
  532. [page] Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women
  533. [page] Top Ten Things Only Women Understand
  534. [page] Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World
  535. [page] Trojan Horse Warning
  536. [page] Trouble In Heaven
  537. [page] True Ending To The Empire Strikes Back
  538. [page] Truisms
  539. [page] Truth About Reindeer
  540. [page] Twas The Month After X-Mas (Dieters Version)
  541. [page] Twas The Night Before X-Mas (Computer Version)
  542. [page] Twas The Week After X-Mas (Y2K Poem)
  543. [page] Twelve Gay Days Of X-Mas
  544. [page] Two Assholes
  545. [page] Two Blonde Jokes
  546. [page] Two Indians And A Polack
  547. [page] Two Italian Men
  548. [page] Two Things To Worry About
  549. [page] Universal Grade Change Form
  550. [page] Urban Legends All In One Letter
  551. [page] Vacuum Salesman
  552. [page] Van Gough S Relatives
  553. [page] Versailles
  554. [page] Veterinarian
  555. [page] Vibrator
  556. [page] Vincentian Vs American
  557. [page] Vulgarity Test
  558. [page] WORK Virus
  559. [page] Ways To Tell You Re Too Drunk
  560. [page] Wedgewood Shooting
  561. [page] Weird Job Interviews
  562. [page] Weird Local Sex Laws
  563. [page] What Day Is Your Birthday?
  564. [page] What Do You Call Your Dick?
  565. [page] What Does Your Name Mean? (Mean Version)
  566. [page] What Guys Names Mean
  567. [page] What Guys And Girls Are Really Saying
  568. [page] What Men Really Mean
  569. [page] What Are Dogs And Cats Really?
  570. [page] What Do You Want In A Woman?
  571. [page] What S Your Screen Name Mean?
  572. [page] When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac
  573. [page] Where Is God?
  574. [page] Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel
  575. [page] Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
  576. [page] Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats
  577. [page] Why Girls Like Guys And Vice Versa
  578. [page] Why God Never Got Tenure
  579. [page] Why I Fired My Secretary
  580. [page] Why Jesus Is Better Than Santa Claus
  581. [page] Why Nagging A Man Doesn T Work
  582. [page] Why We Should Feel Sorry For Tech Support
  583. [page] Wilbur And Martha
  584. [page] Windows 98 Southern Edition
  585. [page] Windows Errors In Haiku
  586. [page] Winter Wonderland Computer Parodies
  587. [page] Wisdom From The Bathroom Walls
  588. [page] Woman S Guide To Male Bashing
  589. [page] Women Rule
  590. [page] Women Are Bright Because
  591. [page] WordPerfect Helpline
  592. [page] Work Phrases
  593. [page] World S Shortest Books
  594. [page] Worms And Alcohol
  595. [page] Worst Analogies
  596. [page] Worst Country Songs
  597. [page] Y0K And Y1K Problems
  598. [page] Yo Mama So Stupid (and Ugly)
  599. [page] You Know You Re Getting Old When
  600. [page] You Know You Re An Idiot When
  601. [page] You Might Be A Yankee If
  602. [page] You Might Be From Lousiville If
  603. [page] You Might Have A Redneck Yard If
  604. [page] You Might Be A Redneck If
  605. [page] You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If
  606. [page] You Re Lost In The Generation Gap Between Baby Boomers And Generation X If
  607. [page] Yummy Fingers