Preacher & Peanuts
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady.
As he is sitting there talking with her, he
notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in
front of him.
'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks
'Help yourself,' she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up
to leave and notices that he has eated almost all
of the peanuts in the bowl.
'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I
only meant to eat a few.'
'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my
teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the
chocolate off of them.'
A guy's in his house when horrendous rains come
up. The water starts rising, and before you know
it, we're talking major flood. Roads are covered.
Nothing's moving. Pretty soon, a boat comes along.
Guy in the boat yells, 'Come on - we're here to
save you. Get in the boat.'
Guy in the house says, 'No...I've got faith that
God will save me.'
The boat leaves. The water keeps rising. The guy
is forced up the second floor of his house by the
flood waters. Another boat comes along. The guy in
the boat yells, 'Come on! It's getting worse. If
you don't get in the boat, you're going to drown.'
From the second floor window the guy says,
'No...I'll be ok. I've got faith in God that he'll
The boat leaves. Water's rising. The
guy's on the roof. A helicopter hovers overhead
and the pilot shouts out, 'This is your last
chance. Climb up the ladder. If you don't come
now you're going to drown.'
The guy says from the roof, 'No, thanks. God will
The pilot shrugs his shoulders and splits. The
water rises. The guy drowns. Ascends to the pearly
gates. He asks St. Peter, 'What happened? I've
been devoted to God and had absolute faith that he
would save me. Why did he let me down?'
And St. Peter tells him, 'What the heck do you
want? God sent ya two boats and a helicopter!?'
A cop pulls a man over. The driver asks the cop why you pull me over.
"because you were speeding!"
"no I wasnt"
"yes you were"
"no i wasnt"
etc. etc. etc. back and forth. Finally the cop is really pissed and asks
the mans wife, "o.k. Ma'me you settle this, was your husband speeding or
"Officer I have been married to this man for 30 years and the one
thing Ive learned is never to argue with him when hes drunk!""
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says
the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's
really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've
got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young
man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl
leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house
handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the
stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate
love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As
she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my
husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do
something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.
The was a man who was exploring parts of Tibet when he came upon a ship
with all sorts af strange antiques. He found a strange statue of a
bronze mouse that he had to have. The old storekeeper told him "$10,000
for the mouse and $10,000 for the story behind it."
The man told him that he would just take the mouse. As he left out of
the shop, he noticed several mice following him. He nervously picked up
his pace and started to walk faster. Each block he walked more and more
mice came out of the woodwork to follow him. By the time he started to
run there were thousands of mice running after him. He came to the river
and heaved the bronze mouse into the river - all the mice that were
following him also jumped into the river.
When the man returned to the shop where he bought the bronze mouse, the
storekeeper said "Ahh, so I see you have some to hear the story after
The man replied, "Actually, I came to see if you have a bronze lawyer"
6 reasons computers must be female
1) No one but their Creator understands their internal logic.
2) As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
4) The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to every one else.
5) The message, "bad command or file name", is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
6) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of
left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit
Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he
had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy
thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple
tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. Jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh
please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great!
When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let
it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please God let it be me who you give that
gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..."
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee). Eve just
smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing
that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one
given the ability to stand up and pee. And so it was. And it was...well,
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts.
"What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."