These are taken from real resumes and cover letters, and were
printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Forbes magazine.
1. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet
2. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial
5. Reason for leaving last job: "Maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "I was was working for my mom until she decided to
10. Marital Status: "Single. Unmarried. Unengaged.
Uninvolved. No commitments."
11. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a
12. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . Please feel free
to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
13. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no
training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock
14. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
15. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest
16. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-
hopping.' I have never quit a job."
17. Marital Status: "Often." Children: "Various"
18. Personal Interests: "Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so
19. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three
20. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
21. References: "None. I've left a path of destruction behind
These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations.
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock
bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be."
4. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered
like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to
change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."
8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an
9. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the
These are actual lines from military performance appraisals.
1. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full sixpack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. Bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
8. He so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
10. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.