You Might Be A Redneck If

You know you're a "Redneck" if...

You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market is a place to get beer and pretzels.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship
came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor
to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her
language.
Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with
the kids."
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
You clean your fingernails with a stick.
You refer to the last weeks TV Guide as a classic.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look
nice.
You use hubcaps as frisbees
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.
The Home Shopping operator recognized your voice.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You're considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
You've ever bought a used cap.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever got a tattoo, on layaway.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling, the
state trooper to
kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in
the car.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You use a Hefty Bag as a passenger-side window.
You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance
restrictions.
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because WWF wrestling is on while you're at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer
bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
You've ever heard a sheep baa and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You wonder how truck stops keep their restrooms so clean.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You have grease under your toenails.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
Your father walks you to school because you're both in the same grade.
The directions to your house say "Turn off the paved road."
Your wife has more children than teeth.