Misc

10 Things That Piss Me Off:

1. People who point at their wrist while
asking for the time. I know where my watch is,
buddy...where the hell is yours? Do I point at
my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??

2. People in the supermarket check out line
who wait until their entire bill is rung up
before they begin writing their check.
Hello...is the store name going to change,
or the date, or your signature before the
clerk finishes? Get a clue!

3. People who are willing to get off their
ass to search the entire room for the damn TV
remote because they refuse to walk to the TV
and change it manually!

4. When people say..."Oh, you just want to
have your cake and eat it, too." Screw that!!!
What good is a damn piece of cake if you can't
eat it? What should I do...eat someone else's
piece of cake instead.

5. When people say..."It's always the last
place you look." No shit!! Why the hell would
you keep looking for it after you've already
found it?? Do people do this?? Who and where
are they??

6. When people say, while watching a movie
.."Did you see that?" No, dumb ass, I paid
$7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the
ceiling up there. What did you come here for??.

7. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did
ya buddy?

8. When something is "New & Improved," Which
is it? If it's new, there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement then there must
have been something before it!

9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks
if you know how fast you were going. "You should
know, asshole. You're the one that pulled me
over!"

Here's the 10TH thing that really bugs
me....

10. Chain letters! Who the hell thinks that
by annoying other people with stupid mail with
no meaning, that they will grant you a wish, or
make your long-lost love fall into your arms.
Bullshit! I'm so sure that by breaking a stupid
chain letter that the computer gods are going to
curse me!! What a crock of shit!!!

By the way, if you send this to 10
people, shit won't happen, and that person you're
in love with won't come crawling to you...so if
you feel this is funny, go on and send it to some
one else, but don't expect one damn thing in return!

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.

Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, One to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.

Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.

Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!

Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)

Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!

Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.

Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.

Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!

Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.

Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.

Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.

Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.

Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!

Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.

Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.

Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?

Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?

Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.

Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.

Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.









Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999

Next time think it over for a day off!!!!

Employee: Boss can I have the day off tomorrow?

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what
you are asking
for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have
2 days off per
week,
leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you
have used up 170
days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which
counts for 23 days
each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46
days, leaving only
22
days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This
leaves you only
20
days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
working time is down
to
15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which
leaves only 1 day
available for work and I'll be damned if you are going
to take that day
off !!

'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.
The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.
Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick
I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three
And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.
A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,
From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,
Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.
His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice
But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.
Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,
And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,
He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order
"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"
And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!"

YEE HAWWWW!

A SECRETARY COMPLAINS ABOUT HER BOSS

She says, "My boss is so sex-crazed.

Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP
position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by
the SPREADSHEET format.

I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK,

so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so
that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, and ENTER
the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage.

Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and Shifted me to

his HOME

where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said "TURNOVER"

Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or
"helmet")

and sometimes as an Alternative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he
looses his CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN...

This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM.

"A WISH........ "

As I sat there in english class, I stared at the girl next to me. She
was my so called 'best friend'. I stared at her long, silky hair, and
wished
she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After
class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had
missed the day before.I handed them to her. She said 'thanks' and gave
me a
kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I dont
want
to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I
dont know why.

11th grade
The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears,
mumbling on
and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come
over
because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on
the
sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours,
one
Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to
sleep.
She looked at me, said 'thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheak. I want
to
tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I
love
her but I'm just too shy, and I dont know why.

Seinor year
The day before prom she walked to my locker. "My date is sick" she
said, hes
not gonna go" well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a
promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together-just as
'best
friends'. So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was
standing
at her front door step. I stared at her as she she
smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be
mine,
but she doesn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said- "I
had
the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell
her,
I want her to know that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but
I'm
just too shy, and I don't know why.

A day passed, then a week, then a month.
Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect
body
floated likean angle up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be
mine- but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before
everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as i
hugged her. Then she lifted her head from myshoulder and said- 'you're
my
best friend, thanks' and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell
her, I
want her to know that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but
I'm
just too shy, and I don't know why.

Now I sit in the pews of the church.
That girl is getting married. That girl is getting married now. I
watched
her say 'i do' and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I
wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it.
But
before she drove gtaway, she came to me and said 'you came!'. She said
'thanks' and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to
know
that I dont want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy,
and I
don't know why.

Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl
who used to be my 'best friend'. At the service, they read a diary
entry she
had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read:

I stare at him wishing he was mine; but he doesn't notice me like that,
and
I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to
be
just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I
wish
he would tell me he loved me!

'I wish I did too...' I thought to my self, and i
cried. Do yourself a favor, tell her/him you love
them. they won't be there forever.
_________________________________________________________________________

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British
Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio
conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations. 10 - 10 - 95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER- MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

An Israeli doctor said,

"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a
kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks".

A German doctor said, "That's nothing!
In Germany we can take a lung out of one person, put
it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks".

A Russian doctor said,
"In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take
half a heart from one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks".

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said,
"You guys are all the way behind. In my country we
have just taken an idiot out of Texas and put him in
the White House and now half the country is looking
for work!!!"

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food.
- Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you,
"Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
- Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
- Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes.
- Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence.
- Robert, 13

6. Don't squat with your spurs on.
- Noronha, 13

7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
- Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let
her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in
the same room as your school assignment.
- Traci, 14

10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the
same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass
of milk.
- Armir, 9

12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
- Lauren, 9

13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding
a baseball bat.
- Joel, 10

14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it
to your mom when she's on the phone.
- Alyesha, 13

15. Never try to baptize a cat.
- Eileen, 8

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
>
How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
>
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. (my favorite)!!

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
>
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
>
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
>
What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
if men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
one who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What is a man's idea of foreplay? half hour of begging.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
>
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
>
Do you know why bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
>
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their brains

Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
>
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
>
Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!"
>
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
>
Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft.
>
>A man makes love like he drives a car...
>Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
>
>What is a husband? It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves
put up.
>
We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
>
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
>
>How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid
of them.
>
What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him.
>
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
>
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
>None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.

>What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
>
>Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
>It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the
>dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we
>would like to have dinner with.
>
Q. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ?
A. Because men always fuck up.

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him
and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but,
I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches
his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and
now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving
faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a
bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"

>
>> It's all in a KISS!!! The body part where you love to kiss most
>>reflects
>> your personality type!
>>
>> Please choose the part you love to kiss most: And be honest!!!!
>>
>> 1) Forehead
>> 2) Eyes
>> 3) Nose
>> 4) Face
>> 5) Ear
>> 6) Lips
>> 7) Neck
>>
>> The following is your personality:
>>
>> Forehead:
>> You have a strong passion for life and at the same time a peaceful
>> nature.Though you are a forgiving person, you demand respect from
>> other people. Your talents are expressed well and you have good
>> interpersonal skills. As such, you have a fulfilling social life and
>> your friends around you will find you to be gentle and
>>understanding.
>>
>> Eyes:
>> You are die-hard Romeo who requires lots of love and you can
>>sacrifice
>> everything for love as well. You express your love in a wild and
>> passionate way. However, you are equally capable of becoming a
>>vicious
>> lover, manipulating your partner to achieve certain selfish goals.
>>
>> Nose:
>> In a relationship, sex is something essential to you! You value
>> friendship,loyalty and you have a strong desire for love and sex.
>>You
>> are playful by nature and you cannot stay long at a place without
>> feeling uneasy. As a result, it is very difficult for you to
>>establish
>> a strong foundation for your career and it is advisable that you do
>> not change your job with no strong reasons.
>>
>> Face:
>> You value peace above all other things and friends are very
>>important
>> to you. You willingly share all your prized possessions with them
>>and
>> you are not easily bothered if you are short-changed. Also, you have
>> a kind heart and you try not to harbor bad thoughts about other
>>people. Maintaining a long lasting and affectionate relationship is
>> your forte.
>>
>> Ear:
>> As a very understanding person, you can accurately guess what is on
>>a
>> person's mind. You posses a disposition to appreciate or share the
>> feelings and thoughts of others. However, you can also be someone
>>who
>> cracks jokes at the expense of others and in wanting to achieve your
>> goals, you can easily sacrifice others. Towards relationships, you
>>are
>> not affected by emotional constraints and is very expressive. Your
>> behavior is 100% congruent with your inner feelings.
>>
>> Lips:
>> You are someone who is governed by a great sense of loyalty. When
>>you
>> kiss someone's lips, you are atcually expressing the hope of having
>> one true love. Always radiating an aura of confidence, you are
>> someone with very strong moral codes.
>>
>> Neck:
>> Flirtatious by nature, you are unlikely to be someone that dreams of
>> everlasting love. Although your passion for things is very strong,
>>it
>> fades away in just a while. Even when you are no longer in love with
>> your partner, you selfishly demand him/her to love you still. You
>>are
>> unlikely to have great ambitions towards your own life and you are
>> not particular about gender roles.
>>
>>
>>
>>

An American is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing gum, sits down
next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who,
nevertheless, starts a conversation.

French man: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

French: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we
only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container,
recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the
states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The American
listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we
put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle
them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to
France."

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the butthole? It is
called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for
giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't
believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it
doesn't bring tears to your eyes.

ption 1 "My lover and I can't come to the phone right now but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished."

Option 2 "A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message."

Option 3 "Hi! This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money."

Option 4 "Hi! Now you say something."

Option 5 "Hi! I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

Option 6 "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

Option 7 "Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!"

Option 8 "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. ?Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

Option 9 "Hello! You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their pictures taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

Option 10 "This is not an answering machine This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call."

Option 11 "Hi! I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message and if I don't call back, it's you."

Option 12 "Hi! This is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

Option 13 "Hi! If you are a burglar, we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message."

Option 14 "Hello! You've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you."

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I've got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape!

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

I'm gone.

You have reached 555-6238. Why?

This is you-know-who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.

You have reached 234-1243. This is an answering machine. This is the nineties. You know what to do.

You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep.

This is a boring answering machine message. Leave a message anyway. [Useful to keep people from calling at odd hours to hear your latest exciting message.]

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice:] Don't you ever wonder what life would be like? ...

So long as phones can ring and eyes can see, So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

This is 234-3249, and no, it's not Pete's Pizzaria. It's not the Credit Union either, and no one named Pam lives here. You can leave a message though.

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.



------------------

>Here are five funny phone answering machine messages:

>a). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone

>right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya

>likes

>doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real

>slowly.

>So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get

>back to you.

>(b). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already

>sent

>the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my

>financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you

>are

>my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I

>have

>plenty of money.

>(c). Hi, I'm probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

>Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

>(d). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain

>silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

>(e). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting).. Hi, you've reached

>555-3456.

>John is in... (Sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in

>again...(ooh)

>No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number

>and

>he'll call you as soon as he... comes.

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions. But just before he re-entered the lunar module, he made the enigmatic remark,"Good luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938, when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex?! You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a building
and she suddenly trips over something and falls down.

On her way falling down, an American man catches her,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."
The man says: "Okay then, sleep with me."
She says: "You PIG!! NEVER!!"
So he says: "FINE!"

and he drops her down....
So she's falling and screaming...

Suddenly, a German man catches her in the air from his balcony,
she says: "Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll do anything that you
ask..."
The guy says: "Fraulein, sleep with me."
She replies: "Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!"
So the man says: "Fine!!!"

...And he also drops her down again. She's falling and thinking that it was
better if she slept with one of those men and now she's going to die.

Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his balcony, she says :
"Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll SLEEP with you!!"
The Muslim man replies "Astakhforillah!"

...And he drops her!

AT THE BEEP..."
>
> Actual Answering Machine Messages Recorded and
> Verified By The World
> Famous
> International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
>
> 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now,
> but if you'll
> leave
> your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
> we're finished.
>
> 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable
> of receiving
> messages.
> My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub,
> and their carpets
> are
> clean. They give to charity at the office and don't
> need their picture
> taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and
> home phone number
> and
> they will get back to you.
>
> 8. This is not an answering machine - this is a
> telepathic
> thought-recording
> device. After the tone, think about your name, your
> number, and your
> reason
> for calling.... and I'll think about returning your
> call.
>
> 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
> refrigerator.
> Please
> speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to
> myself with one of
> these
> magnets.
>
> 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I
> already sent the
> money.
> If you are my parents, please send money. If you are
> my bank, you
> didn't
> lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe
> me money. If you
> are a
> female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
>
> 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those
> reasons is why we're
> not
> here. So, leave a message.
>
> 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon.
> If you leave a
> "sexy"
> message, I'll call sooner.
>
> 3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
>
> 2. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I
> don't like. Leave
> me a
> message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
>
> And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message
> Recorded and Verified
> by
> The World Famous International Institute of Answering
> Machine Messages.
>
> 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick
> up the phone
> right
> now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.
> Sonya likes doing
> it up
> and down, and I like doing it left to right... real
> slowly. So leave a
> message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll
> call you back.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest
stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat
embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too
bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear
another question.
Can I come over to your place after while?
Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end
the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall
who keeps answering all my questions.

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom, Ann, "Your obsession is with money. Again it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

> > Subject: YOU ARE AN IRANIAN, IF ...
>
>
> > * If your mother messes up your marriage.
> > * If you are a car salesman and at the same time a singer.
> > * If you talk behind your wife's back with your mother.
> > * If you dress up to go to grocery store.
> > * If you go to concert, but you never see the singer and stay in the
> > hallways with your drink and check out girls.
> > * If you never wear your wedding ring.
> > * If you smoke 5 packs a day and tell everyone you don't smoke.
> > * If you pronounce "Sure", "SHOOR".
> > * If your favorite drink is Vodka.
> > * If you are about 35 and have no hair on your head.
> > * If you watch Iranian program on TV, but always nag for bad programming.
> > * If you are good in playing backgammon and chess but can't do your taxes.
> > * If you pronounce "gas station", "gas esstation".
> > * If you ask someone to marry and they want to know if you own a house.
> > * If you claim you are Italian.
> > * If you divorce your wife but still don't let her date anyone else.
> > * If your wife divorces you, but still goes shopping with your sister.
> > * If you used to be a brain surgeon in Iran butnow you work in a
> > chelokababy.
> > * If you carry 3 pagers and 2 cellular phone and no one ever calls you.
> > * If you claim your dad was a very good friend of SHAH.
> > * If you don't own a house and have no job, but still can afford a BMW.
> > * If you have to shave more than once a day.
> > * If you were a 4 star general in Iran and now drive a cab in Washington
> > D.C.
> > * If your in-laws come to visit and they never leave.
>
>

1. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

2. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.

3. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

4. You! Off my planet!

5. Therapy is expensive, poppin’ bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.

6. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

7. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.

8. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.

9. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!

10. If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.

11. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

12. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

13. I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

14. If only you’d use your powers for good instead of evil...

15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

16. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

17. Allow me to introduce my selves.

18. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

19. Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

20. Better living through denial.

21. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

22. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

23. Adult child of alien invaders.

24. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

25. I’m just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

26. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

27. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

28. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

29. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

30. I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.

31. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!

32. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

33. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?

34. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I’m wrong.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

37. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

38. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

39. Everyone thinks I’m psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

40. Earth is full. Go home.

41. Is it time for your medication or mine?

42. I plead contemporary insanity.

43. And which dwarf are you?

44. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.

45. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

46. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

47. Meandering to a different drummer.

48. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

49. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Best Country-Western Song Titles of All-Time...


1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing
You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2.
8. Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal

10. Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid
She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite

15. I'm So miserable Without You, It's Like Having You
Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back
While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number
Two On You
18. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By
Now
19. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
20. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love
Jesus
21. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do
Miss Him
22. Please Bypass this Heart
23. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
24. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (My
favorite)


And here are worst titles!

All I Want From You (Is Away)
Written by Bobby Harden (ASCAP)
All My Exes Live In Texas
All the Guys that Turn Me On Turn Me Down
Written by Gene Plott, Harold Powell & Roni Stoneman (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Am I Double Parked by the Curbstone of Your Heart? (courtesy of Michael)
Double Parked Heart by Jim Pollock (BMI) (Could this be the same song?)
Are You Drinkin With Me Jesus? (courtesy of Sylvester)
by Mojo Nixon, Country Dick Montana, Peter & Louise Berryman (BMI)
According to Sylvester, the song contains the truly touching lyrics:
"Does your head pound Jesus as hung over you do rise....how does paradise look Jesus, through holy bloodshot eyes...
Should we take a cab home Jesus...aw man we can hoof it from here...
I know you can walk on the water but can you walk on this much beer?"
Are You on the Top 40 of the Lord? (courtesy of Joel)
At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump (courtesy of Barry)
Apparently this is from a Weird Al Yankovic song, "One More Minute." But it sounds like a country title, so I'll keep it!
Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears (courtesy of Jim)
Bubba Shot The Jukebox

Bubba's Inconvenience Store
by Bett Butler (BMI)
Come out of the Wheatfield Nellie, You're Going Against the Grain (courtesy of Louis)
Apparently heard in Liverpool, 30 years ago. Wasn't there anything better to listen to in Liverpool 30 years ago???
Cow Cow Blues Written by Charles "Cow Cow" Davenport (ACAP), and recorded by Bing Crosby, among others.
Not a country song at all, as it turns out, but I've left it on the list because of the title's similarity to...

Cow Cow Boogie (Moo Moo My Love)
This one's been performed by everyone from The Judds to Mel Torme, according to ASCAP. Also not to be confused with...
Cow Cow Strut
by Barbara Chamberlin (SOCAN)
Did I Shave my Legs for This? by Deana Carter (courtesy of Scott)
Don't Believe My Heart Can Stand Another You.
by Tanya Tucker (BMI)
Don't Chop Any Wood Mother, I'm Comin' in With a Load! (courtesy of Garnet)
Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' on Yo-mind
by Loretta Lynn (BMI) (courtesy of Hamp)
Don't Give Me A Plastic Saddle 'Cuz I Want To Feel That Leather When I Ride (courtesy of Diane)
Don't Squeeze My Sharmon. (Yes, that IS the correct spelling)
Written by Carl Belew & Van Givens (BMI)
Don't Strike A Match (To The Book Of Love)
Written by Pat Alger & Hal Ketchum (BMI)
Drop Kick Me Jesus (Through The Goal Posts Of Life.)
Written by Paul Charles Craft
Four on the Floor and a Fifth Under the Seat
Written by Rex Pearce (BMI) (courtesy of Rick)
Get Off the Table, Mabel (The Two Dollars is for the Beer)
by Bull Moose Jackson
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In The Bed.
Written by Richard Friedman (BMI)
Git Up Off'n the Floor Hannah (a Bitter New Year's Eve)
by Red Ingle and the Natural Seven, Written by Foster Carling & Joe Washburne (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms
by the Austin Lounge Lizards (ASCAP)

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart.
Written by Liz Anderson (BMI)
Hand me the Pool Cue and Call Yourself an Ambulance (courtesy of Tom, who isn't sure it's a real song)
Her Only Bad Habit Is Me
Believe it or not, three songs with this title in the BMI database.
Here's A Quarter (Call Someone Who Cares)
by Travis Tritt - "It's All About to Change" (several folks submitted this one)
High Cost of Low Living
by John Steele & James Sloane (ASCAP)
Hold On To Your Men..Cause she's Single Again (courtesy of Susan)
How Can I Get Over You if You Won't Get Out from Under Me? (courtesy of Dan)
How Can I Get Over You Till You Get Out from Under Him? (alternate title courtesy of Mike)

How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
Written by Leonard Linnehan & Louis Philip Perry (ASCAP) (courtesy of Charles)
But there are a half-dozen songs with this title in the BMI database!
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You, When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?
According to Murphy, this song was written for the film Royal Wedding starring Fred Astaire, and was a novelty dance number.
This is confirmed by Esther, who remembers hearing the song as a little girl in the 1930s and 40s. She thinks it may have originated in Vaudeville.
How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?
by Mel Tillis (BMI)
How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight? (courtesy of Mark, who's not sure it's a real song either)
I Bought the Shoes that Just Walked Out on Me
2 songs with this title in the BMI database (courtesy of Rick)
I Can't Pass the Bar, and There's One on my Way Home (courtesy of Rick)
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life (courtesy of Charles)
I Don't Care if it Rains or Freezes 'Long as I Have My Plastic Jesus Sittin' on the Dashboard of my Car
a.k.a. "Plastic Jesus" by Ernie Marrs (courtesy of Bill)
I Don't Do Floors
by Don Cook & Charles Victor Rains (ASCAP)
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
by Thom Sharpe (courtesy of Gail, who tells me he wrote a number of comedy songs)
I Fell for Her, She Fell for Him, and He Fell for Me (courtesy of "Narkspud")
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me (courtesy of Charles)
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
Written by Jack Clement (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I Gave Her My Heart And A Diamond And She Clubbed Me With A Spade (courtesy of Bruce)
I Gave Her the Ring, and She Gave Me the Finger (courtesy of Maureen)
I Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Bed Crying On My Pillow Over You.
According to ASCAP, the acutal title is simply, "Tears In My Ears"
I Got the Hungries for Your Love, and I'm Waitin In Your Welfare Line (courtesy of John)
I Got Through Everything But The Door
I Guess I Had Your Leavin' Coming
by Vern Gosdin (ASCAP)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
Written by Byron Gallimore, Don Pfrimmer & William Shore (BMI) (courtesy of Charles)
I May Be Used, But Baby I Ain't Used Up
I Only Miss You On The Days That End In " Y " (courtesy of Frank)
I Sat Down On A Beartrap (Just This Morning)
I Sent Her Artifical Flowers For Her Artificial Love
There are 4 songs called "Artificial Flowers" in the BMI database (courtesy of Jerry)

I Still Miss You Baby... But My Aim is Getting Better (courtesy of Eric)
I Want a Beer as Cold as My Ex-Wife's Heart (courtesy of Dan)
I Wanted You To Leave Until You Left Me.
I Wanna Whip Your Cow (courtesy of Charles)
I Was Looking Back to See If You Were Looking Back to See If I Was Looking Back to See if You Were Looking Back at Me
According to Sean, this may be "I Looked Back" by Jimmy Eaton & Larry Wagner, recorded by Perry Como.
If that's the case, I think we can safely move it out of the "country" category!
On the other hand, according to Steve, it was a duet performed by Buck Owens and Susan Raye in the 1960s, called "Looking Back to See,"
which would move it right back into the "country" category.
I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me
by Rev.Billy C. Wirtz (courtesy of Zev)
I Wish I Were A Lesbian
by Loudon Wainwright III (ASCAP)

I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me) (courtesy of Mick)
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! (courtesy of Charles)
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win (courtesy of Charles)
I'd Rather Hear A Fat Girl Fart Than A Pretty Boy Sing (courtesy of Mike)
I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You.
by Freddie Hart (BMI)
If I Ain't Got It, You Don't Need It.
Two songs with this title in the BMI database
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You (courtesy of Charles)
If I'd Killed You When I Wanted To, I'd be Out of Jail By Now (courtesy of Tom)
by Reuben Darnell
If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I'd Do It All Over You
by Dan Hicks and his Hot Licks (courtesy of Peter)
If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen (courtesy of Mike)
If I Were In Your Shoes, I'd Walk Right Back To Me
Five songs in the BMI database caleed "If I Were In Your e for the Roundhouse Nellie (He Can't Corner You There)
by Zeke Masters and his Band, Written by Julian Kay & Zeke Manners (ASCAP) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
Saddle Up the Stove Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight (courtesy of Garnet)
She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw (courtesy of Katrina)
by Rick Stanley.
She Can Put Her Shoes Under My Bed Anytime
by Johnny Duncan (courtesy of Bill)
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight.
Five songs with this title in the BMI database.
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
by Jerry Reed (courtesy of Charles)
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger (courtesy of Charles)
She Looks Good Through the Bottom of My Shot Glass (courtesy of Marc)
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart (courtesy of Charles)
She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and All Through the Night It Was Honor and Offer
by Sligo Studio Band, written by Robert Bivens (BMI) (courtesy of "Narkspud")
She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy
Written by Jim Collins & Paul Overstreet (BMI)
She Walked Across My Heart Like It Was Texas (courtesy of James)
She's Actin' Single..... I'm Drinkin' Doubles
by Gary Stewart (BMI).
She's Got the Rhythm (And I Got the Blues)
Slap 'Er Down Again Paw
by Arthur Godfrey (courtesy of "Narkspud")

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
by Roy Clark (BMI)
Thanks To The Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You
Written by Max Barnes, Frank Saulino & James Valentini (BMI)
The Alcohall of Fame
by Wayne Kemp - from the album of the same name.
The Bridge Washed Out and I Can't Swim and My Baby's On the Other Side
The Last Word in Lonesome is Me
The Man That Came Between Us (Was Me)
The Old Home Fill 'er Up and Keep On Truckin' Cafe"
by C. W. McCall (courtesy of "Narkspud")
The Pint Of No Return.
There Ain't Enough Room in my Fruit Of The Looms to Hold All My Lovin' For You (courtesy of Atley)
There's A Tear In My Beer
by Hank Williams
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out (courtesy of Charles)
This Good Girl's Gonna Go Bad
by Tammy Wynette(courtesy of Bill)
This White Circle on My Finger Means We're Through
by Kitty Wells (courtesy of Bill)
Tight Fittin' Jeans
Two songs in the BMI database with this title.
Timber... I'm Fallin In Love (courtesy of Kathy)
by Patty Loveless. Written by "Kostas" (BMI)
Trainwreck Of Emotion
Written by Allen Kohnhurst & Jonathan Vezner (ASCAP)
Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother
by Jerry Jeff Walker "Great Gonzos" (courtesy of Ed) Also recorded by Willie Nelson, written by Ray Hubbard (ASCAP)

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart (courtesy of Charles)
Did find a song in the BMI database called "Velcro Heart"
Waitin' In Your Welfare Line
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
Four songs in the BMI database called "Walk Out Backwards"
Warm Beer and Cold Kisses
by Stallins & Crowe (BMI)
Warm Beer Cold Women
by Tom Waits (ASCAP) Wouldn'Grass?
by Buck Owens (BMI)
Who's Gonna Take The Garbage Out When I'm Dead And Gone?
Who's Makin' Time with the Time Keeper's Daughter, when the Time Keeper's Keepin' Time? (courtesy of Steve)
Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under?
by Shania Twain & Mutt Lange (ASCAP)
Why Have You Left the One You Left Me For?
by Crystal Gayle, also recorded by Ronnie Milsap (courtesy of the Johnson family)
Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw
by Jimmy Buffett "All the Great Hits" (courtesy of Karen, James & Ed)
Would Jesus Wear A Rolex On His Television Show?
by Ray Stevens, Written by Chet Atkins & Margaret Archer (BMI)
Yard Sale (12 exciting songs share this title in the BMI database)
You Ain't Much Fun Since I Quit Drinkin'
by Toby Keith (BMI) (courtesy of Chili)
You Ain't Woman Enough To Take My Man
by Loretta Lynn (courtesy of Bill)
You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog ('s Leavins') (courtesy of Jim)
You can Lock Me Up in Jail & Throw Away the Key, But You Can't Keep My Face from Breaking Out
by Randy Scruggs (courtesy of Dave )
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too.
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
by Roger Miller (BMI)
You Changed Your Name From Brown to Jones, and Mine From Brown to Blue
Apparently by a British spoof country singer, "Hank Wangford." Courtesy of Jan from Essex.

You Done Stomped On my Heart (and You Mashed That Sucker Flat)
According to multiple emails, this was written by Mason Williams (yes, the "Classical Gas" guy) and recorded by various artists including John Denver.
"You done stomped on my heart and mashed that sucker flat, you just sorta, stomped on my aorta.
You started going out with guys, I felt us drift apart, and every step you took, was a stomp right on my heart."
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Banister Of Life (courtesy of Charles)
You'd think my Bed was a Bus Stop, the Way You Come and Go (several submissions)
Your Negligee Has Turned To Flannel Nightgowns.
You're The Hangnail In My Life, And I Can't Bite You Off
by Hoyt Axton, Written by Woody Bowles (BMI)(courtesy of Eli)
You're a Hard Dog To Keep Under The Porch
by Gail Davies (BMI) (courtesy of Susan)
You're Going To Ruin My Bad Reputation
Could this be "My Bad Reputation" by Woody Guthrie?
You're Out Of Step (With The Beat Of My Heart)
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly (courtesy of Charles, with more info from Ray))
By Lola Jean Dillon & L.E. White (BMI) Apparently also recorded by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty
You're The Ring Around My Bathtub, You're The Hangnail Of My Life
You've Already Put Big Old Tears In My Eyes, Must You Throw Dirt In My Face?
by The Louvin Brothers (courtesy of Art)
You've Got Sawdust On The Floor Of Your Heart
by Sneezy Waters (courtesy of Paul)
80 Proof Bottle of Tear Stopper
800 Pound Jesus
by Sawyer Brown. Written by Billy Maddox & Paul Thorn (BMI)

Top 20 Best Excuses If Your Boss Catches You Visiting Entertainment Web Sites


1. I was trying to establish a link with reality.
-cymbidium6

2. The help desk changed my default home page.
- e-nnoyed

3. I was researching our competition.
- What do we make again?

4. Look at the number of hits these guys have racked up - we have GOT to figure out their marketing strategy!
- Alan in Chicago

5. I'm testing my monitor to make sure it gets all 4 million colors.
- 2 million so far b e r t

6. I need to download all these MP3s to thoroughly test the sound drivers. The user is having intermittent problems with the sound.
- Erika the Red

7. I'm checking out reports of bandwidth problems.
- Our IT guy uses this all the time!

8. I'm testing the new content filters. Here's a list of porn sites try to access them from your office. Come back later to let me know if any of them got through the filter.
- There ain't no filter, and he didn't come back

9. I found this site listed in the web history of a user's browser and was viewing the content to determine if it was appropriate or should be blocked. I'm going to audit your PC next.
- Itbert

10. I don't know HOW my browser got to this site...damn Microsoft.
- Bill Gates is ALWAYS to blame...

11. Mutter, "Dang these pop-up ads."
- GoL

12. Dang viruses... did you know they can change ALL your bookmarks?
- DynBert

13. I was just checking out the nav on this site. We should consider implementing a similar structure.
- what's a nav?

14. Isn't it frustrating how many irrelevant hot links they put into bona-fide news articles?
- Deputy Baron Og

15. I quit smoking, and this takes only half of the time the smokers use daily for that.
- never smoked-bert

16. It was a link on HR's web page, showing the fun the side of our area to prospective employees.
- Also-A-Barn-Sized-Hole-In-The-Firewall-Bert

17. Our firewall is worthless. I need 30K for an upgrade!
- surfin' all day long

18. It's a support site for some software I'm working with. (He has no clue what I'm working with!)
- unix-bert in a windows world

19. Just because Nicolas Cage and Johnny Depp are in the movie doesn't mean that it's not about our product.
- Yes you can watch movies online

20. My boss complained because he "caught" me playing a game. It happened to be the game I was programming! We're a games company!
- p*g* bert

This was in the “Bob Levey’s Washington” column in the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the “Best T-shirts of the Summer”:

1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

2) So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy

4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

5) If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going

6) At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All...
I Just Can’t Remember It All

7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

10)If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?

11)Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

12)Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

13)No, It Doesn’t Hurt (on a “well-tattooed gentleman”)

14)(on the back of a passing motorcyclist)

If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off

15)I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now

16)(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor

17)Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came. I Saw. I Did a Little Shopping.

18)What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About

19)I Didn’t Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

20)(on the Front) Yale Is Just One Big Party (on the back) With a $25,000 Cover Charge

21)Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things Are Just Better Rich

22)Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

23)Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional

24)IRS—Be Audit You Can Be

25)Gravity...It’s Not Just a Good Idea. It’s the Law.

26)If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

27)Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

28)The Old Pro...Often Wrong...Never In Doubt

29)If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You

30)Old Age Comes at a Bad Time

31)In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One of the Risks You Take.

32)First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper.
The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."
"What to write?" he sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer.

Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

ALFA
Always Looking For Another
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DAEWOO
Does Any Engtineer Wanna Own One?
Dangerous And Energy-Wasting Oriental Object
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FERRARI
Fast, Exciting, Racy, Red, And Really Impractical
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards: Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
Flip Over Read Directions (Festiva)
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive...
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
KIA
Kick It Again
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
VW BEETLE
Visually Weird, But Everyone Enjoys The Look, Eh?











Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
Last modified: Fri Jan 07 09:48:57 PDT 2000

AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet
FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill
SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...
SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE : Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

Today's Joke:

1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

2. They rarely listen to you.

3. They're totally unpredictable.

4. They whine when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

8. They're moody.

9. They leave their hair everywhere.

10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in 2003, the following occurred:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with AIDS.

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause
cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes
I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a
stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda,
Singapore and Tokyo.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens they
contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing
other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in
a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get
sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I think I am turning gay because when I go to parties, I don't look at
any babe no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take my kidneys and
leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick girl that
was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. Funny that girl,
she's been 7 since 1993.......

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $150,000
total that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in
their special e-mail program.

* But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I
broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from Satan himself.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in
the next 10 seconds, a bird will crap on you today.

If you didn't get it, this means: don't send me any more chain letters ;)

> > > The following is an actual answer given to a
> > > question in a UCLA chemistry
> > > mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the
> > > professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we
> > > now have the> > >> > > pleasure of enjoying it as well.
> > >> > >> > >
> > > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
> > > or endothermic (absorbs heat)?> > >> > >> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
> > > using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and
> > > heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One
> > > student, however, wrote the following:> > >> > >
> > >> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is
> > > changing in time.> > >> > >> > >
> > > So we need to know the rate that souls are moving
> > > into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think
> > > that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
> > > Hell, it will not leave - therefore, no souls are
> > > leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
> > > lets look at the different religions that exist in
> > > the world today. Some of these religions state that
> > > if you are not a member of their religion, you will
> > > go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
> > > religions and since people do not belong to more
> > > than one religion, we can project that all souls go
> > > to Hell.> > >> > >> > >
> > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can
> > > expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
> > > exponentially.> > >> > >> > >
> > > Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
> > > Hell since Boyle's Law states that in order for the
> > > temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
> > > the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
> > > This gives two possibilities:> > >> > >> > >
> > > 1.. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
> > > rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature
> > > and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
> > > breaks loose.
> > > 2.. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate
> > > faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the
> > > temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> > > freezes over> > >> > >
> > > So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to
> > > me by Ms Andrea Banyan during my Freshman year, that
> > > "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
> > > with you" and take into account the fact that I
> > > still have not had sexual relations with her, then,
> > > #2 cannot be true. Thus I am sure that Hell is
> > > exothermic and will not freeze.> > >> > >> > >
> > >> > >> > > The student received the only "A" given!
> > >> > >> >>

>Child's Play

Shhhh!

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees
about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He
dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a
child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a
youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left
home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with
the person who should be there watching over the child.

"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he is busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered
answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like
a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the
boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!"

That's not right Sum Ting Wong

See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hai Nao

Stupid Man Dum Gai

Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This is a tow away zone. No Pah King

You are not very bright. Yu So Dum

I got this for free. Ai No Pei

Please stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?

Meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?

They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum

Stay out of sight. Lei Lo

Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu

3 Chinese men wanted to become US citizen and
"Americanize" themselves.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu.

Bu named himself "Buck",
Chu name himself "Chuck", and
Fu decided to back to china....

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was
almost
over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to
the
game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Medical studies have proven you can still live with only one lung.
Most forms of cancer are treatable at least for a while.
This is only one of hundreds of products that are slowly killing you.
Smoking does not affect the fetuses of women who aren't pregnant.
Refusing to inhale drastically reduces risk of lung cancer.
Go ahead and drive or operate heavy machinery. It's perfectly fine.
Secondhand smoke only affects those who might breath it.
Cigarettes don't kill, matches do.
Nicotine is not addictive because you know you could quit if you
really wanted to.
There have been no medical tests to conclusively prove smoking is
a teeth-staining, smelly, pukey habit. And we're not all that ready
to concede the tumor-causing part either.

Eleanor Roosevelt wrote:

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others
You can't live long enough to make them all
yourself. Friends, you and me.......You brought another
friend....and we started our group....our circle of
friends.....and like a circle.....there is no
beginning or end......Yesterday is history. Tomorrow
is mystery. Today is a gift.

It's National friendship week. Show your friends
how much. Send this to
everyone you consider a Friend. If it comes back
then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air,
caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot
into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with
surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas!
And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his
word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been
returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender
wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go...
what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

One woman says to another, "how did you die"?

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first woman. "How does it feel
to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second
woman. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all
your fingers and toes. But eventually,it's a very calm
way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off,
as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second
woman.
"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see
I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I
showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to
the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I
ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there
either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I get there, I had a massive heart attack and
died.
The second woman shakes her head. "What a pity ... if
you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be
alive!!!!!!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal
authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send
it to President Clinton.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his
secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little
boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a
thank you note to GOD, which read:Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some
reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks
deducted $95.00..

Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.

Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.

Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.

Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.

Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.

Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in the state of contraction.

Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.

Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.

Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.

Prof. of Statistics : Kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of 36-24-36.

Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.

Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction, it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.

Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable

Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together. Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for another flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told that the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost uncomfortable hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an email, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address. The message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead! Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen. It read:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband,

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

From grebyn!karl@haven.UMD.EDU Wed Dec 14 08:19:29 1988
Flags: 000000000001
Received: from haven.UMD.EDU by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
id AA00456; Wed, 14 Dec 88 08:19:24 CST
Received: by haven.UMD.EDU (5.57/umd.04)
for werner@rascal.ics.utexas.edu id AA20199; Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:20:18 EST
Received: by grebyn.com (5.57/smail2.3/07-01-87)
id AA10296; Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST
Date: Wed, 14 Dec 88 09:06:30 EST
From: karl@grebyn.com (Karl Nyberg)
Message-Id: <8812141406.AA10296@grebyn.com>
Organization: Grebyn Corporation
Phone: 703-281-2194
To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
Subject: add this to your collection of funnies

...

-- Karl --

For your edification and enjoyment, here are a few selected
daffynitions from Ambrose Bierce, " The Devil's Dictionary"
Published 1911, Neale Publishing Co.
=============================================================

Academe: An ancient school where morality and philosophy
were taught.

Academy: A modern school where football is taught.

Accomplice: One associated with another in a crime, having guilty
knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a
criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's
position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the
assent of attorneys, no one having offered them a sufficient
fee for assenting.

Accountability: The mother of caution.

Accuse: To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a
justification of ourselves for having wronged them.

Alderman: An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving
with a pretense of open marauding.

Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted into each others' pockets that
they cannot separately plunder a third.

Back: That part of your friend which it is your privilege to
contemplate in your adversity.

Backbite: To speak of a man as you find him, when he can't
find you.

Bait: A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The
best kind is beauty.

Beauty: That power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies
a husband.

Belldonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady. In English, a deadly
poison. A striking example of the essential identity of
the two tongues.

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain.

Cannon: An instrument used in the rectification of national
boundaries.

Cat: A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be
kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

Childhood: The period of human life intermediate between the
idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes
from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age.

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of
his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in
so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit
without individual responsibility.

Day: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period
is divided into two parts; the day proper, and the night, or
day improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, and
the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of
social activity overlap.

Deluge: A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away
the sins (and sinners) of the world.

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
fool their lack of understanding.

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in themselves
than in me.

Emotion: A prostrating disease caused by the determination of the
heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious
discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

Eulogy: Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth
and power, or the consideration to be dead.

Female: One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.

Fidelity: A vice peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

Forefinger: The finger commonly used in pointing out two malefactors.

Gallows: A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which
the leading actor is transported to heaven. In this country,
the gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons
who escape it.

Guillotine: A machine which makes the Frenchman shrug his
shoulders with good reason.

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another.

Hatred: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.

Helpmate: A wife, or bitter half.

Incompatibility: In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly
the taste for domination.

Influence: In politics, a visionary 'quo' given in return for a
substantial 'quid'.

Intimacy: A relation into which fools are providentially drawn
for their mutual destruction.

Joss-sticks: Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan
tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our
holy religion.

Justice: A commodity which (in a more or less adulterated condition)
the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance,
taxes, and personal service.

Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.

Language: The music with which we charm the serpents guarding
another's treasure.

Lap: One of the most important organs of the female system; an
admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy,
but chiefly used in rural festivities to support plates
of cold chicken and the heads of adult males. The male of
our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and
in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.

Lawyer: One skilled in the circumvention of the law.

Lead: A heavy blue-grey mineral most useful in imparting a sense
of responsibility to those who love not wisely but other
men's wives.

Legacy: A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.

Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious posessions.

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as
a sausage.

Liver: A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be
bilious with.

Love: A temporary insanity curable either by marriage or by
removal of the patient from the influences under which
he incurred the disorder... It is sometimes fatal, but
more frequently to the physician than the patient.

Luminary: One who throws light on a subject; as a reporter, by
not writing about it.

Mace: A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a
heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in
dissuading from dissent.

Machination: The method employed by one's opponents in baffling
one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing.

Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition has suggested to some
that it might be taught to talk.

Maiden: A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clueless
conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has wide
geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and
deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether
unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views)
insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness
distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by
the canary -- which, also, is more portable.

Male: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible, sex. The male
of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as
Mere Man. The genus has 2 varieties: Good Providers and
Bad Providers.

Malefactor: The chief factor in the progress of the human race.

Manicheism: The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare
between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight, the
Persians joined the victorious Opposition.

Marriage: The state or condition of a community consisting of
a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making (in all) two.

Me: The objectional case of "I". The personal pronoun in English
has three cases, the diminutive, the objectional, and the
oppressive. Each is in all three.

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worthwhile.

Mercy: An attribute beloved of detected offenders.

Mine: Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it.

Miracle: An act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable,
as in beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with
four aces and a king.

Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.

Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the ball game.

Mouth: In man, the gateway to the soul; In woman, the outlet of
the heart.

Noise: A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief
product and authenticating sign of civilization.

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe
of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder
and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and
"commerce". These, also, are the principal industries of
the Orient.

Overeat: To dine.

Patience: A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Pedestrian: The variable (and audible) part of a roadway.

Piety: Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His
supposed resemblance to man.

Piracy: Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.

Plebescite: A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign.

Plunder: To take the property of another without the decent and
customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of
ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band.
To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a
missed opportunity.

Pocket: The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In woman,
this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing
the sins of others.

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of
principles. The conduct of public affairs for private
advantage.

Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be nullified on
behalf of a single petitioner, admittedly unworthy.

Price: Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear of conscience in
demanding it.

Non-Combatant: A dead Quaker.

Politeness: The most acceptable hypocrisy.

Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the
situation with least harm to the patient.

Proof: Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of
unliklihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as
opposed to that of only one.

Quorum: A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to
have their own way and their own way of having it. In the
United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the
Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House;
in the House of Representatives, the Speaker and the devil.

Rabble: In a republic, those who hold supreme power tempered by
fraudulent elections.

Rear: In American military affairs, that exposed part of the army
that is nearest to Congress.

Recollect: To recall with additions something not previously known.

Recount: In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded
to the player against whom they are loaded.

Repartee: Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with
a constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong
disposition to offend.

Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels
it with a tempest of words.

Responsibility: A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders
of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck, or one's neighbor. In the days
of astrology, it was customary to unload it upon a star.

Retaliation: The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple
of Law.

Riot: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders.

Rope: An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they
too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in
place one's whole life long.

Russian: (1) A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul.
(2) A Tartar emetic.

Self-Esteem: An erroneous appraisal.

Tariff: A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the
domestic producer from the greed of his customer.

Urbanity: The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to
dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest
expression is heard in the words "I beg your pardon",
and it is not inconsistent with disregard of the
rights of others.

Vote: The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Weaknesses: Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith
she holds dominion over the male of the species,
binding him to the service of her will, and paralyzing
his rebellious energies.

Witch: (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked
league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive
young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.

Yoke: An implement to whose latin name "jugum" we owe one of
the most illuminating words in our language-- a word
that defines the matrimonial situation with precision,
point, and poignancy.

Zeal: A certain nervous disorder afflicing the young and
inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl.

One was searching in the dictionary for the word 'Dictionary'.
He Found This meaning:
(Dictionary is the thing you are holding now,Stupid).

Wondering what the definition of stupid was, he
searched for the word Stupid, he found:
(Is that you again?)

Youngest Son: Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
"potentially" and "in reality"
Dad: I will show you
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars?
Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity!
Then Dad asks his daughter if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter: Waoh! Yes! This is my fantasy!
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars?
Elder Son : Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
dollars! I would never hesitate!
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son,
"potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but "in reality" we
are living with 2 bitches and 1 gay!

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday
afternoon."

Prime Minister Vajpayee, was awoken at 3am by the telephone. "Sir, it's the
Minister of Health Pramod Mahajan here. Sorry to bother you
at this hour but there is a real emergency! I've just received word
through Advani jee that all three Latex and Durex factories in Kerala,
Assam and Haryana have been burnt down and bombed to the ground by
terrorists. It is estimated that the entire Indian supply of condoms will
be gone by the end of the week."

"What a disaster! The economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to have to ship some condoms in from abroad...
"China?..."
"No chance!! The tabloids will have a field day on this one!"
"What about Pakistan?"
"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck. Call the
President General Musharaf - tell him we need one million condoms;
coloured gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick!

That way they'll know how big the Indian guns really are!!"

Vajpayee called President Musharaf, who agreed to help the India out in
their hour of need. Three days later a flight arrived from
Islamabad-full of boxes. A delighted Vajpayee rushed out to open the boxes.
He found condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all coloured green and
gold. He then noticed in small writing on each and every one:-

MADE IN PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN. SIZE : SMALL

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague
on
the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are
three
doctors there already!"

Author: Fido Dalmatian, Professor of Doglish, Dog University

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs. "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush
and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

An Englishman, an Aussie and a South African are in a bar one night, having a
beer. All of a sudden the South African downs his beer, throws his glass in
the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:


"In Sath Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the
same one twice."


The Aussie, obviously impressed by this , drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces and says:


"Well mate, in 'Straaaaailia we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either."


The Englishman, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass into the air, pulls out his gun, shoots the South African and the
Australian and then says:
"In London we have so many ***ing South Africans and Australians that we
don't need to drink with the same ones twice.

* One hand on wheel, one hand out of window : Chicago.


* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn : New York.


* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot
solidly
on accelerator: Boston.


* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake,
quivering in terror : Ohio, but driving in California.


* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on
accelerator,
head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.


* One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on
cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, foot on
accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation
with
someone in next car : Welcome to Iran!

Dave, sadly was born without ears. Although successful in business this problem did annoy him greatly. One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company. He set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply. Dave did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his B.S. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And much to his surprise, the young man answered,"Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked. The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!"

Make sure this does not happen to you ok?

Embarrassing First Date

This just tells you how hard it is to be single nowadays...

This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date
that a woman ever had. When the winner described her worst
first date experience, there was absolutely no question as to why
her tale took the prize.
Marilyn said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold.
The guy had taken her skiing to Lake Arrowhead. It was a day trip (no
overnight).
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed
home late that afternoon. They were driving backdown the mountain
when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that
extra latte.
They were about an hour awayfrom anywhere with a rest room and
in the middle of nowhere.
Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came
a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee
beside the road, or she would go on the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked
down her pants and started.
Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so
she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her
companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and
indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All
she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather
embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another
sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered
her buttocks were firmly glued to the car's fender. Thoughts of
tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as
she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was
quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the
extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor,
she answered her date's concerns about "what was taking so
long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off
and needed some assistance. He came around the car as she tried
to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked
imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the
giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves,
they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation
was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip
of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the
predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there
was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other
way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her
butt off the fender. As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize
hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you
thought your first date was embarrassing... ? A whole new
definition of being "pissed off."




"Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching"

Forwarded to Mohanes Anvari with all respects.
looooooooooooool

Parisa J Holmes!!!


******************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
******************************
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great
bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was
walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
"The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good
choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To
the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*******************************
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been
waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but
I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greenskeeper. Let's have a word
with him." [dramatic pause]
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our club house from
a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will
say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to
contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys
play at night?"

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*******************************
There was an engineer who had an exceptional
gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company
loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years
later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion
dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation,
they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of
their problems in the past.The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.
He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he
marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component
of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*****************************
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
*****************************
Three engineering students were gathered
together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One
said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the
joints," Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run
a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

**********************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
**********************************
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of
the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with
the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work
done."

**************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Nine
**************************************
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned
it
to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and
turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it
back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a
week
and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

I was alone and all was dark
Beneath me and above
My life was full of volts and amps
But not the spark of love

But now that you are here with me
My heart is overjoyed
You've turned the square of my heart
Into a sinusoid

You load things from my memory
Onto my system bus
My life was once assembly code
It's now like C++

I love the way you solder things
My circuits you can fix
The voltage 'cross your diode is
much more than just point six

With your op-amps and resistors
You have built my integrator
I cannot survive without you
You're my function generator

You've changed my world, increased my gain
And made my disceret math
So now I'll end my poem here
Control, Alt, and Delete.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement where by
English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,
which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her
Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known
as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear
up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words
like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the
horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and
they
should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer
kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understandech
ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!

Examples of how English is being used in different
parts of the world:

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel
towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe
inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being
fixed for the next day. During that time we regret
that you will beunbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift
backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin,
push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should
enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your
values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to
complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11
A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear
with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take
advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a
Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit
the cemetery where famous Russian and Sovietcomposers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to
perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in
the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave
you nothing tohope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own
make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in
the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience,
we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a
fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit.
Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a
Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool
is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost
to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is
strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site
that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of
entertainingguests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth
extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A
lot of water has been passed under the bridge since
this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here
and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of
our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would
you like to ride on your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the
drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made
for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive
Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice
cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a
woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

> > I have one
> >
> > You have one
> >
> >
> > Your mother uses your father's one
> >
> > And your auntie uses your uncle's one
> >
> > A married lady would acquire one
> >
> > But a divorced lady would lose her one
> >
> > Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
> >
> > Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
> >
> > Madonna doesn't have one
> >
> > The Chinese usually have short ones
> >
> > While the Indian usually have long ones
> >
> > Do you have one?
> >
> > How long is your one?
> >
> > Which one is your preferred one?
> >
> >
> > (see below for answer)
> >
> > what you are thinking of! go down......
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> >
> > .
> > Answer : its your Surname, what else !!
> >
> > but I like the way you think .........

Three men want to become agents for the FBI. After a day of intensive interviews, they are told there is one more test to prove their dedication to the FBI. The head FBI agent takes the first guy into a private room. He hands him a gun and says, "Go into that room and kill your wife." The guy says, "No way," and leaves FBI headquarters. The second guy goes through the same proceedings. He walks into the second room, but on seeing his wife decides that she is worth more than a good job, and he, too, refuses. Finally the third guy is given the gun and told to kill his wife. He walks into the second room and six shots are heard. A few seconds later, the head FBI agent hears crashing and banging from the room. After a few minutes, the guy comes out of the room. "What happened?" asks the FBI agent. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks... I had to kill her with the chair."

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was
the best:
The first boy said, "my dad is so good he can shoot an
arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in
his bare hand."

The second boy said, "my dad is so good that he can
shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it
and catch it in his bare hand."

The third boy said, "I've got you both beat, my dad so
good because he works for the state of Florida. He
gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm."

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you
would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Son,


I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take
it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten
to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her.
(I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!"

It always cheered me up. When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number
and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company.
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?"
he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had
patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for
the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car
window,
so I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling
the
first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better
call
the BMW asshole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the
black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked
right out front." "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen,"
he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home every evening
after five." "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?" "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I
had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with
an idea:

I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he
screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Don
Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had
better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared,
asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. "Hello Asshole," I said. He
yelled,
"If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" I said. "I'll kick your
ass,"
he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming
over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.

Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes
beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police
helicopter,
and news crew.

Now, I feel better. - Have a great day!

It was the final examination for an introductory English course
at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and
exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and
told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly
two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A
half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the
professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor
stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began
writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,
and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the
late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last
student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk
preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on
the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The
student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air of
superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of
completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of
the room.

First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.
They all gathered around the surgery table with the
body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them,
"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor: The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human
body."

As an example, the Professor pulled back the
sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his
students.



The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead
body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
them and told them: "The second most important
quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now, learn to pay
attention."

nto the proctologist's office for his first exam. The

doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would

be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began

observing the tools. He noticed there were three items on a stand next

to the exam table.



A tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.



When the doctor finally came in the man said, "Look Doc, I'm a little

confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I

know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"



At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the

the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his

nurse......Dammit, Helen! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!

If a fly falls in the cup of coffee of

1.. Englishman: Throws his cup away and walks out.



2.. American: Takes the insect out and drinks the coffee.



3.. Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the coffee away.



4.. Japanese: Drinks the coffee with insect as it is coming free.



5.. Palestinian: Sells the coffee to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new cup of coffee.



6.. Israeli: Accuses the Palestinian for throwing insect into his coffee, relates the issue to violence. Asks the Americans for Military aid, and takes a loan from America to buy one more cup of coffee.

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvin has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly,
lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays
that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those
big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up bitch."

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells
him he owes $4.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.

The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for
it."

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls
when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You
know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were
drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The
next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the
nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

>A simple friend has never seen you cry.
>A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.
>A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names
>A real friend has their phone numbers in their address book.
>A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
>A real friend come early to help you cook and stays late to help you
>clean.
>A simple friend hates it when you call after he/she has gone to bed.
>A real friend ask you why you took so long to call.
>A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
>A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.
>A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
>A real friend could blackmail you with it.
>A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
>A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps their selves.
>A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you HAVE an
argument.
>A real friend knows that it's not a friendship until after you've had
a
>fight.
>A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
>A real friend expects to always be there for you!
>
>Pass this on to anyone you care about.....if you get it back you have
found
>your true friends! A ball is a circle, no beginning no end.
>
>It keeps us together, like our circle of friends. But the treasure
>inside for you to see is the treasure of friendship you've granted to
me.
>Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
>Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you....
>INSTANTLY WHEN YOU RECEIVE THIS LETTER, YOU'RE REQUESTED TO SEND IT TO
AT
>LEAST 10 PEOPLE, INCLUDING THE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU

Question: What is the height of globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death!

Question: How come?

Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was pissed on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you by an Iranian
using Bill Gates' technology
which he stole from the Taiwanese!

[of course, this is NOT Bill Gates technology!
his is GW-Basic and Visual Basic, and now VB.NET ]

----

Another version:

AT ITS BEST! (maybe)

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an American,

using Bill Gate's technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that use Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

> > > > > > >>> >> > > God's Boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I have in my hands two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which God gave me to hold.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black box,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And all your joys in the gold."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I heeded His words, and in the two boxes
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Both my joys and sorrows I stored,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But though the gold became heavier each day
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black was as light as before.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > With curiosity, I opened the black,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I wanted to find out why,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I showed the hole to God, and mused,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "I wonder where my sorrows could be."
> > > > > > >>> >> > > He smiled a gentle smile and said,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, they're all here with me."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > I asked, "God, why give me the boxes,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Why the gold, and the black with the hole?"
> > > > > > >>> >> > > "My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > The black is for you to let go."
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > We should consider all of our friends a blessing.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Send this to a friend today just to let them > > know you are
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Thinking of them and that they are a joy in your life:
> > > > > > >>> >> > > A ball is a circle, no beginning, no end.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > It keeps us together like our Circle of Friends
> > > > > > >>> >> > > But the treasure inside for you to see
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Is the treasure of friendship you've granted to me.
> > > > > > >>> >> > >
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Today I pass the friendship ball to you.
> > > > > > >>> >> > > pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...
> > > > > > >>> >> > > Ok, here goes, instantly when you receive this letter,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > you're requested to send it to at least 10 people,
> > > > > > >>> >> > > including the person who sent it to you.

> 1. Q: What's the difference between Biology and
Sociology?
> A: When the baby look like the father, its Biology.
When the baby looks
like
> the neighbor, its Sociology!
>
>
> 2. A wife one evening drew her husband's attention
to the couple next door
> and said, "Do you see that couple ? How loving they
are ?
> He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do
that ? she asked.
>
> The husband replied " I tried once but she slapped
me."
>
>
> 3. The nervous blonde sat on the dentist's chair to
have her tooth
> extracted. Seeing so many instruments, she got
frightened. "Doc, I would
> rather have a baby than have my tooth pulled out."
>
> The dentist retorted, "Well, make up your mind so
that I can adjust the
chair
> accordingly."
>
>
> 4. Q: What is the difference between a good
secretary & an excellent one?
> A: A good secretary says, "Good morning, sir." & an
excellent secretary
says,
> "It's morning, sir."

An Italian, French and Indian went for a job interview in England.

Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in
English with three main words: green, pink and yellow..

The Italian was first: "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow
sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink
day.."

The French was next: " I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana,
a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panter on TV..

Last was the Indian, : "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone
"green green", I "pink" up the phone and I say "Yellow"

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so
excited just thinking about his future. He gets into a
taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2000 just graduated from Harvard and I
just can't wait to go out there and see what the world
has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says,
"Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1949."

An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing.


So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.


'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."


Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.


So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response.


So he walks up to> the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"


(I just love this!)




"Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"

> > HEAVEN IS WHEN YOU HAVE
> > AMERICAN SALARY
> > BRITISH HOME
> > CHINESE FOOD
> > GERMAN CAR
> > IRANIAN WIFE
> >
> > HELL IS WHEN YOU HAVE
> > AMERICAN CAR
> > BRITISH WIFE
> > CHINESE HOME
> > GERMAN FOOD
> > IRANIAN SALARY

Mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time
period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get
started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon
with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card
said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the
kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom
blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the
card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size." She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her
daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a
week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the
words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for
the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted.

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

How To Cook A Turkey

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch)
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for hours
Step 14: Test the lurkey for numbness
Step 15: Take the oven out of the lurkey
Step 16: Floor the lurkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself nuther scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of
turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

"A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

Get rich quick the Chinese method.

>
>It's not the fault of the student if he fails,
> because the year has ONLY
> 365' days.
>
> Typical academic year for a student.
>
>
> 1. Fridays -52, Fridays in a year, you know
> Fridays are for rest.
> days left 313.
>
>
> 2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot
> and difficult to study.
> days left 263.
>
>
> 3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 30 days. days left
> 141.
>
>
> 4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health)
> means 15 days. days left
> 126.
>
>
> 5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies(chew
> properly & eat)-means
> 30days. days left 96.
>
>
> 6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social
> animal)-means 15 days days left
> 81.
>
>
> 7. Exam days per year atleast 35 days. days left
> 46.
>
>
> 8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival
> (holidays)-40 days.Balance 6 days.
>
>
> 9. For sickness atleast 3 days. remaining days 3.
>
>
> 10. Movies and functions atleast 2 days. 1 day
> left.
>
>
> 11. That 1 day is your birthday. "How can you
> study at that day?" Balance
> days 0
>
>
> "How then can a student pass ?????"

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off."


Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.


"I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says.


"That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?"


"I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs."


The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!"


"One hundred! How?" asks the judge.


"Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before going to prison on drug charges ...'"

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY



1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT

A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.



2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM, DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.



3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT

THAT SUPER SIZED.



4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN."



5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS

GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.



6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SEXUAL FAVORS."



7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."



8. DON'T USE PUNCTUATION



9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.



10. ASK PEOPLE WHAT GENDER THEY ARE.



11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."



12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.



13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.



14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA & PLAY A TAPE OF

JUNGLE SOUNDS ALL DAY.



15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR

PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.



16. HAVE YOUR COWORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK HARD



17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT OF THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON, I WON! 3RD

TIME THIS WEEK!!!!!"



18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT,

YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"



19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER, "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE

GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."



AND THE FINAL WAY TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY.......



20. SEND THIS E-MAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK, EVEN IF THEY

SENT IT TO YOU.

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. So the man said,
"Well,
then here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly
had the
car driven into the bank's underground parking garage for safekeeping,
and
gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to
settle
up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal,
and
$15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check
and
started to walk away.

"Wait, sir," the loan officer said. "While you were gone, I found out
that
you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow
$5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else in Manhattan could I park my Rolls-Royce
for two
weeks and pay only $15.40?"

"An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much
in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never
achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they
decide to ask the rabbi.

The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are
making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the
wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and
she is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi."Okay",says the rabbi, "let's try it
reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the
towel over them."

Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"Now, THAT'S how you wave a towel!"

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of
them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes
are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the
operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it
easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot a duck off a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth"
even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted
by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole
truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just
don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The
father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a
word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day,
when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets
him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman drops
the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your
FATHER a big hug."

>Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>
>This widow had a grown-up daughter
>Who had hair of red.
>My father fell in love with her,
>And soon the two were wed.
>
>This made my dad my son-in-law
>And changed my very life.
>My daughter was my mother,
>For she was my father's wife.
>
>To complicate the matters worse,
>Although it brought me joy,
>I soon became the father
>Of a bouncing baby boy.
>
>My little baby then became
>A brother-in-law to dad.
>And so became my uncle,
>Though it made me very sad.
>
>For if he was my uncle,
>Then that also made him brother
>To the widow's grown-up daughter
>Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>
>Father's wife then had a son,
>Who kept them on the run.
>And he became my grandson,
>For he was my daughter's son.
>
>My wife is now my mother's mother
>And it makes me blue.
>Because, although she is my wife,
>She's my grandmother too.
>
>If my wife is my grandmother,
>Then I am her grandchild.
>And every time I think of it,
>It simply drives me wild.
>
>For now I have become
>The strangest case you ever saw.
>As the husband of my grandmother,
>I am my own grandpa!
>

IDIOTS IN SERVICE: This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact
the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m.
and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the
pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?"
I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email.(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).

IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction
unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was
necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So
I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the
signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would
have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn't want
them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked
if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING #3: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented
cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word
was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that
deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4: I work with an individual who plugged her power
strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

IDIOT SIGHTING #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered
that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To
which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.

-------------------------------------------------------------
Funny Thoughts
"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him."
- Robert Benchley
-------------------------------------------------------------

QUICK WIT:

Teacher: "Well, at least there's one thing I can say about
your son."

Father: "What's that?"

Teacher: "With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating."

***********************************************************************
Interesting Facts

1) In February, the average temperature in the high Arctic is -34 C.
2) Built in 1697, the Frankford Avenue Bridge which crosses Pennypack
Creek
in Philadelphia is the oldest U.S. bridge in continuous use.
3) Flies mate during the first 5 days of life.
4) Each link of the anchor chain on the Titanic was about 80 kg.
5) Polar bears have more problems with overheating than they do with
cold.
Even in very cold weather, they quickly overheat when they try to run.
6) The Great Wall stretches for 6,693 kilometers across North China.
7) The moose is the largest member of the deer family. Its scientific
name
is Alces alces.
8) Gandhi was born in 1869.
9) A new born baby breathes five times faster than an adult man.
10) Johnson & Johnson's "BAND-AID" brand adhesive bandages have been
around
for 75 years.

Interesting Facts

1) Levi Strauss first wanted to sell his denim material to the miners
who
were searching for gold in 1850, in order to make tents and covers for
their
wagons.
2) Noah Ketchup, an American Indian, began selling the tomato sauce
which
his wife used to make. Unfortunately, he made little money from his
invention.
3) John Montague, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, liked gambling but since
he
did not want to stop to eat a meal, he invented sandwiches in the
second
half of the 18th century.
4) Otis P. Walkman's first walkman was rather poor - the device had to
be
pulled behind the wearer on a small wheeled cart.
5) The majority of the men of the 1849 Gold Rush never came back home
and
died in poverty.
6) Thomas Edison, a famous American inventor, was almost deaf, but did
not
want to be operated on because he said his deafness helped him
concentrate
better.
7) The first bicycles were bumpy and had iron rims fitted to wooden
wheels.
8) When bees detect the source of food, they return to the hive and
dance
waving their abdomens to indicate to other bees that they had found
food.
9) If a man is stung by 500 bees, he can die.
10) After eating onion, you should eat two teaspoons of honey in order
to
remove the unpleasant smell of the onion.

1) Jeanne Louise Calment of France, is the oldest fully authenticated
human
that has ever lived. She lived for 122 years and 164 days.
2) Frogs drink and breathe through their skin.
3) Elephants spend approximately 75% of their time feeding. They eat
about
200kg of food per day and produce about 100kg of dung.
4) An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.
5) A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States.
6) It is estimated that only 5-10% of the worlds information has been
digitized.
7) When horses lift their heads up high to look at something, they're
looking far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they
lower
their heads.
8) A typical lightning bolt is four to eight centimetres wide and 3
kilometres long.
9) The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.
10) When honey is swallowed, it enters the blood stream within 20
minutes.


1) Coffee is the world's most popular stimulant.
2) Bees do not have ears.
3) The chocolate chip cookie was invented in 1933.
4) When John Lennon divorced Julian Lennon's mother Cynthia, Paul
McCartney
composed "Hey Jude", to cheer Julian up.
5) The blue whale is the largest animal on earth.
6) The largest known kidney stone weighed 1.36 kilograms.
7) You can keep mice on a table without a cage because mice are afraid
to
jump off high vertical drops.
8) There are about 420 seats on the standard 747 jumbo jet.
9) The number 4 is the only number in the English language that has the
same
number of letters in its name as its meaning.
10) By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds.


1) Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some
50,000 cases per year.2) Lemon sharks grow a new set of teeth every two weeks.
3) There is a course offered at the Univeristy of San Diego, "An
Introduction to Sand Castle Building."4) Belonephobia is the fear of needles.
5) A soccer ball has 32 panels.
6) The city of London was lit by gaslights for the first time in 1807.
7) The fallopian tubes are named for Italian anatomist Gabriel Fallopius.
8) The speed of sound is known as Mach 1.9) The Nile catfish swims upside down.
10) England and Portugal have never had a war with each other.

Interesting Facts
1) The D.C. in Washington D.C. stands for "District of Columbia."
2) Statistics prove that deaf people live longer than hearing people.
3) One third of Canada's population is located within 160 km radius of Toronto.
4)Construction started on the Tower of London in 1078.
5) Elizabeth I of Russia (1762) had over 15,000 dresses.
6) American Samuel F. B. Morse invented the morse code.
7) The world's first iron bridge was built in 1782 at Coalbrookdale, England.
8) Elephants sleep about two hours a day.
9) Queen Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII, practiced her own
execution with an axe and block in her cell.
10) McDonalds uses beef extract to flavor their french fries.
1) Jeanne Louise Calment of France, is the oldest fully authenticated human
that has ever lived. She lived for 122 years and 164 days.
2) Frogs drink and breathe through their skin.
3) Elephants spend approximately 75% of their time feeding. They eat about
200kg of food per day and produce about 100kg of dung.
4) An elephant's trunk contains more than 50,000 muscles.
5) A car is stolen every 30 seconds in the United States.
6) It is estimated that only 5-10% of the worlds information has been digitized.
7) When horses lift their heads up high to look at something, they're
looking far into the distance. To see things that are closer, they lower
their heads.8) A typical lightning bolt is four to eight centimetres wide and 3
kilometres long.9) The wristwatch was invented in 1904 by Louis Cartier.
10) When honey is swallowed, it enters the blood stream within 20 minutes

CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive
dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!

IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

MIDDLE EASTERN WOMAN:
First Date: You fill out the mandatory family questionnaire listing all
your
assets.
Second Date: You go out to the park with her and her whole family comes
along.
Third Date: She claims she's a virgin and refuses to have sex with you.
Fourth Date: She makes up for the past ten years of sexual deprivation
in
one night. You're rushed to a hospital for exhaustion.

KOREAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing
happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already
realized nothing is going to happen.

IRANIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Internet Relay Chat
(Sung to the tune of "Hotel California")

On a dark winter's evening, the web to explore
Warm Domino's Pizza arriving at the door,
Up a ways in the listings, one more channel had been born,
I was curious and my interest peeked, so I quickly typed /join.
There she sat on the channel - I was home, I could tell.
And I was thinking to myself, 'This could be Heaven or this could be Hell'
Then she messaged me a greeting and welcomed me that day
There were no voices on the channel, I thought I heard them say.....

Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat,
Such a lovely place (such a lovely place),
Plenty of room on the Internet Relay Chat,
Any time of year, you can find us here.

Her mind is banter-twisted, the channel she tried to defend,
She's got a lot of witty, witty boys, that she calls friends,
How they fight on the channel, all without regret.
Some come to remember, some come to forget.
So I /queried the operator, 'Please make me an op!'
He said, 'We haven't had that priviledge here since my nick moved to the top',
And still those /queries are calling from far away.
Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say.......

Welcome to the Internet Relay Chat.
Such a lovely Place (such a lovely pace).
They're chattin' it up on the Internet Relay Chat.
What a nice surprise, bring your alibis.

Fights on the channels, bots will never suffice -
And she said 'We are all just prisoners here, of our own device',
And in the private meetings, they gathered for the feast.
They fight it with their battle scripts, but they just can't kill the beast.
Last thing I remember, I was running for the door,
I had to find the passage back to the place I was before.
'K-lined!' said the IRCop, We rule! no reprieve.
You can log off any time you like, but you can never leave.

A concerned patient asked the doctor if masturbation is harmful.

"Not usually," answered the doctor. "Not unless you do it too often."

"How about three times a day?" the patient asked.

"That seems a little excessive. Why don't you get a girlfriend?"

"Oh,... I already have a girlfriend," the patient replied.

"I mean a girl you can live with and have sex with?" asked the doctor.

The patient said, "I've got one just like that!"

So the doctor asked, "Then why do you masturbate three times a day?"

"Because,... she won't have sex during mealtimes!"

> > > >It's so simple...
> > > >
> > > >To make a woman happy, men just have to be:
> > > >
> > > >A friend...
> > > >A partner...
> > > >A lover...
> > > >A brother...
> > > >A father...
> > > >A teacher...
> > > >A cook...
> > > >A carpenter...
> > > >A mechanic...
> > > >A plumber...
> > > >An interior decorator...
> > > >A stylist...
> > > >An electrician...
> > > >A sex therapist...
> > > >A psychologist...
> > > >A psychiatrist...
> > > >A therapist...
> > > >Handsome...
> > > >Athletic...
> > > >Caring...
> > > >Loving...
> > > >Affectionate...
> > > >A gentleman...
> > > >Intelligent...
> > > >Creative...
> > > >Sweet...
> > > >Strong...
> > > >Understanding...
> > > >Tolerant...
> > > >Prudent...
> > > >Ambitious...
> > > >Capable...
> > > >Trustworthy...
> > > >Respectful...
> > > >Romantic...
> > > >And most of all passionate...
> > > >
> > > >And you must pay attention to:
> > > >Make sure you are not jealous...
> > > >Make sure you are interested...
> > > >Get along with your family, but dedicate most of your
> > > time to her...
> > > >Get along with her family...
> > > >Give her space, but show her you care where she
> > > was...
> > > >
> > > >It is very important that:
> > > >You do not forget birthdays and anniversaries (your
> > > first date, your
> > > >first kiss, when you started dating, when you got
> > > engaged, when you got
> > > >married).
> > > >
> > > >You get the idea. It is THAT simple!
> > >
> > >

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments

Comments