What do you call a guy with no arms or legs...
...in your spicerack? HERB
...in a men's room? JOHN
...in a British restroom? LOU
...in a bank vault? RICH
...in a sound system? MIKE
...trying to swim? BOB
...in a sandwich? REUBEN
...propping up a car? JACK
...being climbed on? JIM
...run over by a train? BART
...in a flowerbed? BUD or PETE
...removed from the White House? COLIN
...put through a meat grinder? CHUCK
...being torched to death? BERNIE
...in your gas tank? PHIL
...under a steamroller? LANE
...in your drums? TOM
...under a train? SPIKE
...in a lettuce farm? MANUEL
...stuffed in a carryall? PACO
...drowning in the lake? GIL
...on your barbecue? FRANK
...starving to death? LES
...being cooked by cannibals? STU
...in a hayloft? BARNEY
...being stoned to death? ROCKY
...in a chicken coop? HENRY
...on a French farm? HECTOR
...dying of cancer? KENT
...in a pile of leaves? RUSSELL
What do you call a girl with no arms or legs...
...on your barbecue? PATTY
...in a sugar vat? CANDY
...when she's your sister's kid? DENISE
...in a sewer? FLO
...eaten by a Gila Monster? LIZ
...being shot out of a cannon? AMY
...stuck on a wall? PEG
...in a backpack? CARRIE
...in a shotgun wedding? MARY
...caught by a trawler? ANNETTE
...ensnared in a lawsuit? SUE
...trying to figure how she got that way? WANDA
In a bar, on St. Pat's day, two Irishmen were having a conversation, First man: So, where ya from? Second man: I'm from Dublin. First man: So am I!! Drinks for everyone!! First man: So, what high school did you go to? Second man: I went to O'Meyer's High School. First man: So did I!! Drinks for everybody!! First man: So, what street did you live on? Second man: Oh, I lived on Mitchell St. First man: So did I!! Drinks for everybody!! Later, the bartender received a call from the manager and it went like this. Manager: So, how's business going? Bartender: Business is going great, but the two O'Malley twins are drunk again.
A man was out driving when he saw a police car in his rear-view mirror, with it's siren wailing. The man pulled over and the police car stopped behind him. The policeman approached the man's car and said to the man: "Do you know that your wife fell out of the car five miles back?"
The man replied: "Oh thank goodness! I thought I had gone deaf!"
A psychiatrist and a proctologist became good friends and agreed to share offices to cut down on expenses. To economize even further, they had just one sign printed:
Dr. Marvin Hornstein, Psychiatrist
Dr. David Slodnick, Proctologist
SPECIALIZING IN ODDS AND ENDS
A famous lawyer died and, unexpectedly, showed up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter came out to welcome him, and as the Gates opened the lawyer saw a banner which welcomed him, the first 457-year old man. The lawyer was confused. He said to St. Peter, "I don't understand. When I died, I was 63 years old, not 457." St. Peter was now confused, and said, "Why, you must be 457 years old! We added up all the hours you billed your clients, so you've got to be 457!"
A couple of old coon-hunters were sitting on the front porch of the post office in Mallmayzon, Arkansas, and as was their custom took to lying about the talents of huntin' dogs they had owned. The winning story for the day: "I had a yeller hound oncet, smarter'n manys a human, used to send him out by hisself to get the coons. Way I'd work it, I'd whittle out a piece of board the shape of a coon-hide stretcher so he'd know the size I wanted him to fetch back. I'd set the board out against that tree in my back yard and that yeller dog he'd look at it and go get me a coon to fit it. Sad to say, I lost that wonderful smart dog. One mornin', two years ago, my old womern spilt some wotter on her arnin' board and took it outdoors to dry and set it against that tree and, 'y God, my yeller dog ain't come back yet."
Hitting on the novel idea that he could end his wife's incessant nagging by giving her a good scare, Hungarian Jake Fen built an elaborate harness to make it look as if he had hanged himself. When his wife came home and saw him she fainted. Hearing a disturbance a neighbor came over and, finding what she thought were two corpses, seized the opportunity to loot the place. As she was leaving the room, her arms laden, the outraged and suspended Mr. Fen kicked her stoutly in the backside. This so surprised the lady that she dropped dead of a heart attack. Happily, Mr. Fen was acquitted of manslaughter and he and his wife were reconciled.
Leroy, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey, lady," yells Leroy, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Leroy, kisses her cat good-bye, and tosses it down to the street. Leroy keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off a awning and Leroy runs into the street to catch it. He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one-handed catch. The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Leroy does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh. Each was guiding his car at a snail's pace near the center of the road. At the moment of impact their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together. Both men were hospitalized with severe head injuries. Their cars weren't scratched.
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so scared, he could hardly speak. After the Mass was over he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor said fine, but next time it might help if you put some gin or vodka in your glass to help relax you. The next Sunday the priest put some vodka in his glass and really talked up a storm. After the Mass he asked the Monsignor how he'd done? The Monsignor says fine but there are a few things we need to get straightened out:
There are 10 commandments not 12.
There are 12 disciples not 10.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
Next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook.
They crucified Jesus, they didn't nail his ass to the cross.
"No wonder you're tired"
There are 200 million Americans, 85 million are over age 65, 76 million are under age 21. That leaves only 38 million to do the work. But, 5 million are in the armed forces. That leaves 32 million to do the work. But, 15 million work for the government and that leaves 11 million to do the work. 10 million are in school. That leaves 1 million to do the work. but, 750,000 are disabled or sick. That leaves 250,000 to do the work. Last week there were 249,998 people in jail. That leaves 2 people to do the work. And since I don't do that much work, it's no wonder you're so tired!
We Should Be So Lucky
More is asked of modern managers, with less future security, than ever before. Yet most managers still fell lucky to be where they are.
Lucky, at least, in the sense of a sign posted on a ranch in Wyoming which proclaims:
NOTICE:LOST DOGLeft ear missingLarge scar on right sideTip of tail goneRecently castratedAnswerers to the name,"Lucky"
At this busy season of the year, in order to make things easier for all of us. Please note this important notice about notices.
You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable! It has further been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable.
This notice is to remind you to notice the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
The guys down at the bowling alley figure the delivery man has seduced every woman on our street except one," Harvy told his wife.She thought for a moment. "I'll bet it's that snooty Mrs. Jenkins."
There was a farm boy pulling a Large wagon down the road. As he passed his nearest neighbors' house the wagon tipped over! The neighbor heard all the commotion and came running out of his house.
Neighbor: What was that?! Are you okay?!
Boy: Yeah, my wagon just tipped over, all of the vegetables I was taking to the market spilled out onto the road!
Neighbor: Tell ya' what; I'll help you pick up all of the vegetables, but you will have to come eat dinner with me; you see, it's almost ready; then we'll come out and pick up this mess!
Boy: I - I - I don't know, my pa'll be awful mad!
Neighbor: Don't worry, we'll be quick.
After dinner. . . .
Boy: Wow, that was a GREAT dinner!
Neighbor: Thanks. Let's have some desert! My wife's the best cook of Apple Pie in the country!
Boy: Well, okay...but my pa's gonna be REAL mad!
After desert. . . .
Boy: I gotta go pick up the wagon now!
Neighbor: Are you sure? Would you like to rest a bit first?
Boy: I really can't my dad would kill me!
Neighbor: Well, where the heck IS your pa, anyway?
Boy: Under the wagon.