1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ
14) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
21) CAT ~ The Other White Meat!
22) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
23) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Buttheads!
24) "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam" - seen on Cape Cod
25) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
26) "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
27) "Procrastinate Now"
28) "Rehab Is for Quitters"
29) "My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
30) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
31) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
32) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do What I've Been Doing Since 15"
33) "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING"
34) "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names"
35) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
36) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
37) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
38) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
39) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
40) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
41)"They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken"
42) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
43) "Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog"
44) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
45) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
46) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
47) "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS But it uses up a thousand times the memory."
48) "The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it."
49) "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
50) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig."
51) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
52) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
53) "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"
54) "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"
55) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
56) "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT"
57) "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."
58) "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."
59) "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
60) "NyQuil - The stuffy, Sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room spinning-medicine."
61) "Quoting one is plagiarism; Quoting many is research."
62) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!"