1 star hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you
are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You
can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and
a side of gravy fries.
2 star hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only
exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and
fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being
wreaked upon your bowels.
3 star hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the
random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86'd
you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with
a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You've
had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke
yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover (****) Life sucks.
Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke.
Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a
lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the
fact that you missed an oh so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like
you put your make up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like
one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class
picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of '84.
5 star hangover,(*****) AKA "Dante's 4th Circle of Hell." You have a second
heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in
the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you
dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from
brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out.
Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is
suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don't
remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is
a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
6 star hangover (******) Otherwise known as the "Infinite Nut smacker" You
wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the
ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the
bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your
roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you.
You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn Your
head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair.
Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass
handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full
time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to
Rock" faintly atop your forehead......the stamp on the back of your hand
that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have
to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and the only thing you can think of
wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers.