All About Men

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
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How do you know if a man is lying? His lips are moving!
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

How does a man show he's planning for the Future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. (my favorite)!!

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
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Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
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What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
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What did God say after creating man? I can do better.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention.

How is a man like a snowstorm? Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it'll stay.

What do you call an intelligent man in America? A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
if men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.

Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the
one who makes all their decisions.
Why do men like masturbation? Its sex with someone they love.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
Why did God create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

What is a man's idea of foreplay? half hour of begging.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares?

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
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How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly
handicapped or extremely small.
What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

What is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
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Do you know why bankers are good lovers? They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
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Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the shit out of you.
Do you know why men have holes in the end of their penises? So oxygen can get into their brains

Why is it good that there are women astronauts? So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
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Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
What are the words women hate to hear when they are enjoying great sex? "Honey! I'm home!"
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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
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Why do men need instant replays on TV-sports? Because they have forgotten what happened after 30 seconds.
Why did God create man first? Easy, He needed a rough draft.
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>A man makes love like he drives a car...
>Never checks to see if you come before he pulls out.
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>What is a husband? It's an attachment you screw to the bed to get shelves
put up.
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We don't know, we never met a man who cares.
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
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>How are boyfriends like cockroaches? They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid
of them.
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What do you do if your bank account stops working? Divorce him.
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Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
a) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
b) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
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How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
>None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.

>What's the best way to kill a man? Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
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>Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes.
>It's our job to stomp them, and then keep them in the
>dark until they mature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we
>would like to have dinner with.
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Q. Why do men prefer the woman to be on top ?
A. Because men always fuck up.