Ethnic Jewish

Top Ten Jewish Books Not Yet Published

Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List





10.
Talmud - Tractate Chulent

9.
Tire Changing the Jewish Way

8.
100 Synagogue Shmooze Topics

7.
The Tenth Man - Finding the Best Minyanaires

6.
The Art of Kvetching

5.
The Rolling Stone Chumash

4.
The Y'dei Esav Siddur (Take off on "Kol Ya'akov" Siddur)

3.
The Cone Head's Yarmulke Book

2.
Elijah's Problem Stumpers

1.
Kabbalah for Dummies

Top Ten Reasons To Become an Orthodox Jew
from the
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List


10. You will become an instant topic of conversation
and amusement amongst all former friends

9. You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade
pork rinds

8. Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will
strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology,
philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while
their accomplice steals your wallet)

7. You will never have to decide between chicken and beef
on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no
difference between them anyway)

6. You will become a close friend and confidant of all
the staff at Food City Kosher Department

5. You will have the privilege of donating half your
income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)

4. You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes

3. You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole,
Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes
upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza),
pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye
(with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)

2. Men - your bald spot will always be covered
Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even
have to be on your head

1. For one entire day every week you cannot be reached
by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail

Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers



Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's
been! (Judges 14:5-8)

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go
practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for
supper!

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you
smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!

Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)

James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?

Translations


The Israeli Ambassador to Sweden was talking to the head of the
government at a party. The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so
violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not
Kill".

The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou
Shall Not Murder'."

The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill".

Ambassador: "No, it definately says murder."

Swede: "Maybe you have a poor translation."

The Ten Suggestions
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the
desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but
just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he
delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods
besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the
express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is
the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy
G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.

Top Ten Ways The White House Will Change With Lieberman as V.P.


Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".

Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."

Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.

Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!

Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift
Gore
in
Chair and Dance Around.

U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to
actually start working Monday - Friday.

Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.

In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie Delhi.

Minyan Plus



I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for
a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned
that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.

When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness."

The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."

The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the
room and go to the bathroom!"

Top 12 New Commandments


Anyone who says Thou Shalt Not one more time gets whacked


Thou shalt continue to read the second part of the Passover
Haggadah after the Seder meal


Ladies' wigs count as hair


Thou shalt have no other gods before breakfast


For the last time, circumcision stays


Thou shalt not colorize Hollywood movies


Endives are acceptable Lulav substitutes


Due to illness, the role of the prophet Elijah in Kings II 15-21
will be played by Ed Asner


To prevent further embarrassment, the name Oral Tradition will be
replaced by Spoken Tradition


Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mac


Thou shalt not begin thy jokes with "A priest, a minister and a
rabbi," so that your days will be lengthened on G-d's
earth

It's Hanukkah - not Chanooca, not Chanucca - Hanukkah, always and
everywhere, got it?

The Top 13 Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal




Arafat must return all $7.6 million of misrouted royalties
intended for Ringo Starr.

In exchange for West Bank, Palestinians must take Fran Drescher

Death threats on authors of those infuriating "Magic Eye" books lifted.

Jewish Homeland relocated to South Florida.

Straight-up trade, Jackie Mason for Casey Kasem.

Israel must make cable space available for new variety show, "Shiite
Tonight!"

Everyone in Israel to get a personally autographed "Chia
Yasser."

No more jokes about the five o'clock shadow on Arafat's mom.

In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at
the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down.

Less rocks, more talk!!

Circumcised Palestinians free to roam Jerusalem.

Center Square: Whoopi's out, Yasser's in.


and Top5's Number 1 Term of the New Mideast Peace Deal...


Main objective in Palestinian charter changed from
"destruction of Israel" to "World Cup champs by 2014."





[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

The Top 13 Jewish Country & Western Songs




13> Achy Breaky Hip

12> I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
Notch in My Belt)

11> Take This, "Job," and Shove It

10> I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)

9> Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me

8> All My Exes Made an Exodus

7> The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan

6> This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!

5> Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You

4> My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher

3> I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me

2> Homeland on the Range


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...


1> Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!



[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com> ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

Fillet minyan.

First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean



Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.

20th Century Extremely Reform Judaism

by David Bader

From How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


20th Century Milestones in American Extremely Reform Judaism:

1907 First Extremely Reform Jew in Hollywood changes
name for show-biz reasons
1915 First E.R.J. in New York joins the Mafia
1974 First E.R.J. in a trailer park tells The National
Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens



Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?"
Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might
not be tax deductible.




Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations:
The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America
(No camping required)
The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League
(Deals with very mild ethnic slurs)




The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:
This Extremely
Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides
that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and
opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness
for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to
eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital,
you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.

Top 10 Jewish Songs (but for you, we'll make it 37!)


37] Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond
36] Happiness Is a Warm Bagel
35] Rocky Racoon's Bris
34] Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band
33] With a Little Help from My Cantor
32] Ask Me Why [This Night Is Different from Other Nights]
31] Magical Minyan Tour
30] Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale]
29] Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter
28] I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge
27] I Want to Hold Your Brisket
26] The Long and Winding Services
25] I'm a Loser at Mah-jong
24] Run for Your Life Already
23] She's Leaving Home Sholom
22] Lady the Yenta
21] Luzzamoff {Let it Be}
20] Baby You're a Rich Man [Come and Meet My Daughter]
19] Maybe I'm Aggravated
18] Short Fat Solly
17] When I'm Four Times Chai
16] You Never Give Me Your Discounts
15] Jealous Goy
14] Instant Torah
13] Back in the Shtetl
12] Baby Won't You Light My Menorah
11] You Never Give Me Your Money
10] The Ballad of John, Yoko and Schlomo
9] Give Pesach a Chance
8] Maxwell's Silver Mezuzzah
7] Shekel Lane
6] Do You Want to Know a Secret [I Eat Ham]
5] All You Need Is Gelt
4] Fixing a Hole [No Way, Call Somebody]
3] Why Don't We Do it in the Shul
2] Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and the Rabbi
1] Hey Jules

Three Generals


America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals.

The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics,
an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach
espionage.

The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors,
and General Dynamics.

Three Chairs For the Reform


The Orthodox Rav met three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers began they show up. All the sets are filled.

Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."

Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav?"

The Rav repeated his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the minister.

Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give Three cheers for my Reform Friends in the back!'"

One Day in the Desert


Three men were walking through the desert.

The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty,
I must have wine!"

The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty,
I must have wine!"

The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have ... Diabetes!"

Exodus of the 3 Stooges



Chapter 1

Israel Multiplies.
Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews


1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.

2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and
became exceedingly mighty.

3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
Nile.

4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, "This
is one of the Hebrews' children."

5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.

6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren
and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting
wih each other, and he said to them "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the
both of yah!"

7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't
scare me!" And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"

8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
several yards by it.

9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
laughed mightily. And Moses smote
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.

11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend

12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.

13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
and Econquered.

14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and
Midian-well.


Chapter 2

The Boining Bush

1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold
their services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.

2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for
him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.

3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"
And he chased them into the field.

4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire
from the midst of a bush.

5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"

6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame- brain!" and smote him on the
head.

7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord
saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, "Hey,
Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!"

8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"

9 And the Lord said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from
your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground."

10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!"

11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.

12 And the Lord said, "I have seen the oppression of my people by the
Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I
will send ... you!"

13 And they were unsure as to who "you" was.

14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
who saw he had no one to to look at - trembled and clicked his teeth
loudly.

15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do You mean?"

16 And the Lord said, "You!"

17 And Moses said, "I?"

18 And Larry said, "Aye!"

19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!" and the three Hebrews began saluting
each other vigorously.

20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!" and they did, and He continued,
"Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them,
`The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt
and into the land of Canaan - a land overflowing with sweets!'"

21 And Curly said, "Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And Moses
smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on
the head.


Chapter 3

Hebrews given powers.

1 And Larry said, "What if they don't listen to us, or vicey-versey?"

2 And the Lord said, "They will. Now, hold out your left hand,"

3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one is my left hand?" And Curly
said, "That one." And Larry said, "So how do I know which one is my
right hand?" and Curly said, "Why, that's easy! The one that's left!
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.

5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand?"

6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why, nothin'."

7 And the Lord said, "Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!"

8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked and said, "Why a staff!" And the
Lord said, "Throw it on the ground." And Larry threw it on the ground
and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.

9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn't!"

10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head
with the staff.

11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
dropped it and it slithered up Curly's robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo
woo woo woo woo!" And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly
in a circle.

12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to
the ground.

13 And the Lord said, "This wonder shall help you convince the sons of
Israel of the word of the Lord."

14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We
ain't never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it's
ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!"

15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, "Who made man's mouth? Who
makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said,
"Who makes him dumb?

16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"

17 And they saw His anger and they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!" And they
bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.

18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and perform this wonder before the
sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, 'Let my people go, so
they may soive - I mean serve - Me!"

19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of
Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up
Curly's robe, and he danced wildly.

20 And the people believed.


Chapter 4

"Let my people go!"


1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his
court.

2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, "First, shouldn't we
pay homage?" And Curly said, "I don't know. Homage should we pay?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion
with his hand.

4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, "We got this here
message from the Lord," and they put their fists to their mouths and
made a trumpet sound. And then they sang
"Roses is red,
Violets is yellow;
Now let My people go!
Like a Pharaoh and a
decent phellow."

5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and
snapped their fingers.

6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, "Who is the Lord that I should
obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!"

7 And Moses said, "Wise guy, eh?"

8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he
slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his
fingers, and he approached her, saying, "Rough! Rough! Rough!"

9 And then he said, "How you doin', Toots? Tell me, are you married
or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And then he offered to make her a drink,
and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.

10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, "It seems
the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on,
they will no longer have any straw to make bricks - let them gather it
themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!"

11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid
sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped
his eyes, and said, "Guards! Seize them!"

12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the
fields.

13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered
stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they
smote them on their heads.

Five Great Yiddish Insults

May you grow like an onion,with your head in the ground.
May your bones be broken as often as the ten commandments.

May you have a son named after you soon.

May the souls of all of king solomon's mother's in law inhabit you.

May G-d mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the
curses you wished on him.

Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline


Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:

Hebrew == English

Mee == who
Hu == he
Hee == she
Ma == what
Dag == fish


ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
mean the same thing.

C: Sure, I understand.

A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.

A: Precisely.

C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?

A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.

C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.

A: Fine. Let's start with mee.

C: You.

A: No , mee.

C: Fine, we'll start with you.

A: No, we'll start with mee.

C: Okay, have it your way.

A: Now, mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, no, no. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: You don't understand.

C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

A: Yes I did. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
mee.

C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

A: No, no. Tell me about mee!

C: Who?

A: Precisely.

C: Precisely what?

A: Precisely who.

C: It's precisely whom!

A: No, mee is who.

C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

A: All right. Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Yes.

C: I don't know. Who is he?

A: Sure you do. You just said it.

C: I just said what?

A: Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Precisely.

C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

A: No, precisely hee.

C: Precisely he? Who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: And what about me?

A: Hu.

C : me, me, me!

A : Hu, hu, hu!

C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

A : No, hu is he!

C: I don't know I maybe he is me!

A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)

C: Do his parents know about this?

A: About what?

C: About her!

A: What about her?

C: That she is he!

A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!

C: Then who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: Who?

A: He!

C: Me?

A: Hu!

C: He?

A: She!

C: Who is she?

A: No, hu is he.

C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?

A: No, that's not right.

C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
when I said it, and I know me.

A: Hu.

C: Who?

A: Precisely!

C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!


A: No, hee is she!

C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

A: Go ahead.

C: Now first You want to know me is who.

A: Correct.

C: And then you say who is he.

A: Absolutely.

C : And then you tell me he is she.

A & C: Precisely!

C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

A: Who?

C: She!

A: That is he!

C: Who is he?

A & C: Precisely!

C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!

A: What.

C I said Ma.

A: What.

Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

A: What!

C: Not what, who!

A: He!

C: Not he! Ma is not he!

A: Of course not! Hu is he!

C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.

A: Fish.

C Fish?

A: Dag is fish.

C: That's all, I'm outa here.

Abraham's Computer



One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.



Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."

Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."

Are You Okay, Abe


Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet
conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their
business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"

Religious Accident


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you
completely. This must be a sign from G-d."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The
priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think
I'll wait for the police."

From Dust to Dust
by Nicholas Biel


On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you
see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me,
me expecting nothing neither.

On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image
too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.

Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd
been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days,
what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes
and makes me into Man.

He could see right away from the expression on my face I
didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in
this garden only I don't butter.

He brings me all the animals I should give them names What
do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything
you want," so I make names up: lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe.
Crazy, but that's what he wants.

I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go
to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting
by a pool of water admiring herself.

"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased
to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.

Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now
rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day
I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.

Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in
the water.

Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there
were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite,
the snake took a bite and quick like a flash, out of the
garden.

Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he
doesn't want anbody eating his apples, that's his business.

What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.

I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me
nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy
little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from
Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for
Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong,
who's to blame?...Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my
kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient,"
Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his
idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."

But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In
six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run
smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a
thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you
wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."

But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.

Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's
careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite
no apple.

All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the
same, he should have known better, or at least he could have
blown on other dust.

Marrying into a Jewish Family


Disadvantage - Your Christmas tree decorations will gather dust in
their boxes.
Advantage - You won't have to vacuum up dry pine needles and clog
the vacuum cleaner.


Disadvantage - You'll need to keep a straight face when someone
orders a Virgin Margarita.
Advantage - Your spouse won't die of cirrhosis.

Disadvantage - You'll have to sell your archery set.
Advantage - You won't shoot an arrow into your neighbor's cat (or
is that a disadvantage?).

Disadvantage - You'll never have a family member who can fix your
car.
Advantage - You won't have to look at tatoos.

Disadvantage - No one in the family will have 5 beers with you when
the Yankees win the pennant.
Advantage - There will always be plenty of sweaters in the house.

Disadvantage - Used clothing stores will not be the first choice when
seeking birthday presents for your nephews or nieces.
Advantage - No one will give your son or daughter an ant farm.

Disadvantage - Heavy cream will be a thing of the past.
Advantage - You won't have to specify "diet" when you ask for a
soda in a family member's house.

Disadvantage - You won't have to color Easter eggs.
Advantage - After awhile, you will learn how to pronounce "Challah"
without anyone laughing at you.

Congregation Agudath Israel of Monsey

To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
behavior and fines for violations:


BEHAVIOR ------------------------------------ FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha -------------------------- $36
Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------- 54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur --------------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72

Air Raid Priorities

The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs
toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not
followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.

"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"

"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're
dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"

Alligators

Q. Why aren't you allowed to handle alligators on Shabbat?

A. Because they're muktseh me-hamat gader

American Tourist

There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to
the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will
surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab
in Ireland."

It's All Relative
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus
and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses
at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"

She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."

Ambitious Quote



"My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
- Herbert Zipper






(from Two
Jews, Three Opinions : A Collection of Twentieth-Century American
Jewish Quotations, page 197)

Another Flood



A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
in three days the waters will wipe out the world.


The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
in heaven.


The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
late to accept Jesus," he says.


The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
"We have three days to learn how to live under water."

Another Look At The Ten Commandments

I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:



I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
and, hence, right out.

You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.

Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.

You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.

You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
bugs offa Me!

Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

Go ahead and covet.

Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.

Anyone Up There?


A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and
again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the L-rd"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
by Ben K and Daniel Lewkovitz

Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
localizable religion module for their system software. Previous versions
of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support localizable
geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple spokesman, but
no operating system has yet been able to add customisable support for
religion and culture. The module is to modify the system software to
interact with the user's ethnicity as closely as possible, so as to
maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise potential embarrassing
conflicts and to increase its overall intuitiveness and functionality. The
first Religion/Organisation Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to
be released will support the liberal Jewish religion. Others are
expected to follow in the near future.

While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
some weeks from today, several developers have given inside information on
the beta versions of the software, developed under the codename "Tsures".
Some of the more obvious and useful features are said to include:

* The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement
times of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for
prayer;

* The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as
well as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the
figure is for buying or selling;

* The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time,
which is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system
time;

* Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
"Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of
words has been added to the speech recognition software. A new
output voice termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems
with the physical damage it caused some sound output hardware
could not be overcome in time and it will be released in a later
update to the system.

Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with
the Jewish faith include:

* The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;

* The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";

* The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a
yarmulke and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So?
Why has it taken so long to see me again?";

* Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";

* Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes,
the Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will
just sit here frozen...";

* Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";

* The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
error-correction;

* Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI
and PCI buses.

Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to take
advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec and other
anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk scan utilities
to include the ability to scan your system and peripherals in El-Al mode,
which picks up guns, bombs and knives, while un-erase utilities now
display useful information such as "See? I TOLD you a million times...
if you don't back up..."

However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so that
it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will never be
able to find anything again. He also reported unusual messages in
"Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed stuck on the same
thing every day. Another noted that his network probes showed that
AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with short messages being
exchanged between a few selected nearby machines for long periods of time.
Also, machines, and especially older machines, often appeared to send
messages repeatedly just to themselves.

Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by the
hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it near
me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time assuring me
that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to kiss." This
does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as some users
reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill" program developed in
parallel for US users.

Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called "Moses".
Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access any address
inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying images on the
screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim to have caught it
in the act of gathering information about the user's occupation and
forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers to a
shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".

Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from them,
started making strange incantations and caused their memory chips to burst
into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages about giving burnt
RAM offerings to the Lord.

While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism is
reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates.

Look After the Jews


An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him.
When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave.

When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews".

The son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more
important to say to me at this moment?"

The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for,
it will be our turn."

Army Boy

Meek and mild-mannered Sammy Ginsberg reported for basic training and the
sergeant immediately complained to his captain. "This guy will never be
a soldier. Just look at him!"

The captain responded, "Is it because he's Jewish? Let's get rid of
those stereotypes. Most of the Jewish guys who come through here do just
fine, and look at the Israeli army. They're the best!"

"OK, OK, sir ", said the sergeant, backing off. " We'll give him a fair
chance."

Sammy did quite well, following instructions, not making trouble, and
learning all the military skills the training required. In fact, being
good at science and math, he earned the highest score on the rifle range
by carefully making all the delicate sighting adjustments called for to
compensate for distance, wind, elevation, and so forth. Even the farm
boys, who had been firing guns most of their lives, were impressed by his
skill. Sammy did will on long hikes, too, having developed strong legs
from having to walk long distances to and from shul on each Sabbath and
on the holidays.

"Didn't I tell you?", said the captain, and the sergeant nodded his
agreement.

A small war broke out, and the unit was hurriedly transferred out to the
field to replace another unit. The sergeant led his platoon into battle,
shouting encouragement to all the scared young soldiers. They marched up
a hill, and ther on the other side was the enemy. A fierce struggle
broke out, bullets flying, shells exploding , smoke and pandemonium
everywhere. Then the sergeant noticed that Sammy was not firing his
rifle. "Shoot, Sammy," he yelled. "What's your problem? Start shooting!"


Sammy looked up unhappily. "but Sarge," he said, "there are PEOPLE out
there!"

As I Was Saying ...
by Leon Schwarzbaum


As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
put into work camps.

As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.

As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.

As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.

As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
asked,"Jeb who?"

As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.

As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.

As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.

Ask the Rabbi



Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered
as if you are wearing the plane.

Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been
stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?

Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an
old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.

Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.

Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your
health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.

Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money
on Chol HaMoed.

The Atheist and the Monster



An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my G-d! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on G-d, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Noah Sermon


Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested
but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided
to come back to the faith of his fathers.

One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd
been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He
heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the
question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all
life in the world.

The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was
sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out
of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the
flood victims."

Kosher Bagel Seeds


The following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing
Cheerios.

WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.

WHEN TO PLANT
Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed
and pumpernickel grow well in summer.

CARE OF PLANTS
Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the
middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for
irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least
four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not
develop properly! Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!

NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to
become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .

While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by
sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a
professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers
will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even
if it does hasten the growth. However those who like egg bagels have
had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.

TO EAT
Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and
cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already
topped). Use when ripe. . While day-old bagels may be toasted and
eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for
missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!

GUARANTEE
If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A
BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.

The Ballad of Doivd Chochett
To the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"

by Mickey Katz



NOTE FROM LORI: This was sent to me from a visitor to this page,
who couldn't remember it in its entirety. His notes are
in italics. If you know the rest of the song, please email
it to me at
sunybgrad@yahoo.com




Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat

Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
Flecked him a chicken when he was only three

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
??? redskins all over the shteitle,
He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street

He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
(he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
(he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
He's back on Delancy Street.

Bar Mitzvah Definition



A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization
that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play
for one.

Bar Mitzvah Extravagance



The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with
beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot
and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing
forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.

Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the
situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil
rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so
worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must
or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.

As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess
greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized
sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked,
"And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"

This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping
with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal
it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"

"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
works only in halvah!"

The Bar Mitzvah Gift



There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack
of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your
life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn,
and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I
present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST
I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"

The High-Tech Bar Mitzvah Gift
from Bubbe's Porch


20 June 1999
I just got back from Zachary Paul-Brock's bar mitzvah. I've known
him since he was 2 days old. Did I kvell! Such wisdom comes out of
his mouth. And poise. Oy, was he poised.


So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.
I'm thinking I want to get him something that will last a little
longer, maybe have a little more personal meaning.

Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.


A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with
that? That's not a good gift. Get him a fountain pen, or an id
bracelet."


So what do you think happens? I tell him, "I got you the ram you
asked for, only it's not made out of silicon chips." Wise yes.
But still a little gullible. So, he's looking at this big box I
hand him, shaking it, no noise, "what kind of ram could this be?"
he asks as his voice cracks on the "be."


But before I can continue my joke, he shreds the wrapping paper,
rips open the box, and puts the shofar to his lips. First time,
he just blows spit all over the place. Next, he takes a big
breath, and lets out a deep, long, resonant shofar blast that
probably woke the neighbors or the dead or somebody.


He puts the shofar up to his nose and takes a big whiff and then
gags. "Now, I get it. The shofar is made from a ram's horn. That
is sooooo cool. I'm gonna hand this to my dad and ask him to
install my new ram in my computer"


You can trust Bubbe. She knows from gifts.

Bar Mizvah Reception



Herman Greenbaum had suddenly come into a large sum of money when
his small manufacturing company was acquired by a multi-national
conglomerate. This was fortunate, as Herman's son, Izzy, had just
turned 13 and it was time to plan the Bar Mitzvah.

In keeping with his new station in life, Herman calls up the
fanciest catering company on Long Island and asks for their "free
party planning consultation."

The caterer arrives at Herman's palatial new house and beings to
describe a number of possible options. With each suggestion, Herman
shrugs and asks, "But can't you come up with something more
unusual for my little Isadore?"

"Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your
son really likes?"

Herman thinks for a minute and then responds, "Well, he likes animals.
We got him a cocky spaniel and he really love to play with the dog."

"Aha," say the caterer. "I think I have just the thing!" And, with
the authority of a craftsman who truly knows his trade, the caterer
describes his proposal:

"On the eve of the Bar Mitzvah, we will rent an entire floor
at the Plaza in New York to accommodate all of the guests. We
will take them to the synagog by limosine and then return to
the Plaza for an elegant seven course formal dinner.

"Following the dinner, when they return to their rooms, they
will each find a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne and fresh
cut flowers in a sourvenir Steuben crystal vase etched with
a likeness of your son and the date of the Bar Mitzvah.

"The next morning, the limosines will line up in front of the
Plaza and, with an official police escort, will take everyone to
JFK airport where we will have chartered two Concordes to fly the
Bar Mitzvah boy and the entire Bar Mitzvah party to Israel.

"There in the old city of Jerusalem, your rabbi will lead the boy
through his Torah and Haftora portions.

"Following the ceremony, the guests will be chauffeured back to
the airport where they will board the waiting Corncordes for a
champagne reception as the planes break the sound barrier in
close formation.

"The planes will then land in Nairobi where the guests will be
met by an entourage of elephants who will carry them on a safari
throught the great Serengeti preserve while three acclaimed
photographers from the National Geographic snap pictures of your
son and the guests with the exotic wildlife as a cherished momentos
of the occassion."

Herman is duly impressed and agrees that this will be a truly fine
celebration for little Izzy.


Come the night before the Bar Mitzvah, everyone arrives at the Plaza.
The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests
to the synagog. The dinner is more spectactular than even Herman
imagined. Everyone is delighted with their accommodations. The next
morning, the trip to JFK airport is led by a police escort with small
Israeli flags fluttering from the back of the police motorcycles.

The trip to Israel on the Concordes is perfect. Little Izzy gets to
read his Torah and Haftora portions with barely an error. The guests
enjoy the champagne reception at the speed of sound and are delighted
when they see the elephants lined up at the Nairobi airport.

Off they head into the Serengeti nature preserve while the National
Geographic photographers snap photographs of little Izzy and the
guests.

But soon the entourage comes to a complete stop in the middle of the
grasslands. The procession does not move. Ten minutes go by. Then
twenty. Then an hour. The sun is hot and the guests are becoming
restless. Finally, Herman grows concerned enough to instruct the
handler of his elephant to have the elephant kneel down so that Herman
can get off and find out what's happening.

Herman walks up the line of elephants, reassuring the guests. As he
nears the front of the safari, he meets the caterer who is coming in
the opposite direction.

"What's going on??" asks Herman, his voice quivering with dismay.

"Now, now, Mr. Greenbaum," replies the caterer, reassuringly. "You
will just have to be patient. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of
us."

A Lunar Bar Mitzvah

A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. The
African safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often (that's from another
joke, by the way), so the father arranged to rent the space shuttle from
NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of
attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.

The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters
asked, "How was the service?"

Grandma answered, "OK".

"How was the boy's speech?"

"OK."

"How was the food?"

"OK."

"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"

"There was no atmosphere!"

Billy Crystal's Response to the Orthodox Rabbis


Credited to Billy Crystal at last year's Oscars (March 1997)-



Upon learning that a group of Orthodox rabbi's are questioning his
Judiasm, Billy quips "You mean, I now have to buy retail!!??"

The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album



Can`t Buy me Guilt


Roll Over Maimonides


We Can Kvetch it Out


I Am the Bibi

Eleanor Rigby-Cohen

Lucy In The Shul With Derma

Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On

We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball

You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah
Too

Can't Buy Me Kishka

This Goy

Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band

All You Need Is Lev

The Shul on the Hill

Your Mother Should Only Know

If I Kvell

Informal US-Israeli-Palestinian Talks


As heard on NPR:




During the recent summit, Clinton wanted to make the the meeting
friendly and informal. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu
that they would be calling others by first names. He started by
introducing himself...My name is Bill, and yours is... BeBe replied the
President of Israel. Then Bill said let me introduce you to Arafat.
Cinton then said "Yassir... thats my BEBE!!" :)

Ben-Gurion's Tie




David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli
fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim
Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.

"David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all
the foreign guests who are here."

Ben-Gurion replies, "But Winston Churchill gave me his permission."

"What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!"
says Weizmann.

Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill
said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in
London!'"

What Makes Someone a Jew?


"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion

The Butler's Mistake



This Jewish couple won $20 million on the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.
They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton
and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable.

They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London,
England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back
to the U.S.

The next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining
room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over
for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.

When the couple returned that evening they found the table set
for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they
specifically instructed him to set the table for four?

The butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were
bringing the Bagels and the Biallys."

Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu


10. Yahu Netanbibi
9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
4. The Unabibi
3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
1. Snoop Bibi Bib

Bibi Light Bulb Joke


Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.

Bible in 40 Words

G-d made
Adam bit
None stayed
Noah built
Abraham split
Isaac fooled
Jacob loved
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Solomon judged
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
G-d remained.

Baseball in the Bible




Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:


In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
Eve stole first
Adam stole second
Gideon rattled the pitchers
Goliath was put out by David

Bibical Characters' Songs


Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version



And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
arose, and didst say:

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
not another to help him up.

And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
the mighty fallen. And G-d saw the Egg fall.

And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
ariseth, and thus did say:

I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.

And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
for they knew not whether 'twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
had been in the beginning.

And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
together again.

When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
stilled.

Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
spirit before a fall.

Open The Bible And Point



There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his
wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't
know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in
ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor
little dog. PLEASE help me."

The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a
sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do."

So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic
and opened up to a page and pointed to a word.

A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog
walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You
changed my life!"

The Rabbi asked, "What did I do that helped so much?"

So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months
ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?"

"Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?"

So the man replied, "Chapter 11."

Bible Riddles



Q: What is G-d's favorite sport?
A: Baseball because the Torah begins (in English) In the big Inning.


Q: What sport did Moses play?
A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's
courts.


Q: How do we know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible?
A: "And Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."


Q: How do we know that Moses played football?
A: Moshe kibel et haTorah umasra liY'hoshua...etc. Obviously he was
playing football!


Q: How do we know that righteous people do not need a prayerbook on
the High Holy Days?
A: KI EYN MACHSOR LY'REYAV.


Q: How do we know that mashiach will have a beard?
A: AL TASHEV P'NEY M'SHICHEKHA.


Q: How do we know that Yosef was Moshe's mother?
Q: VA-YIKACH MOSHE ET ATZMOT YOSEF IMO. (Ex. 13:19)


Q: How do we know that Vashti was cloned?
A: GAM VASHTI HA-MALKAH ASTAH "MISHTEY" NASHIM. (Esther 1:9)


Q: Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: "Chap. I".


Q: Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: Bildad the Shuhite

Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times


Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Blessings vs. Curses



So here is the carefully crafted, classic Jewish curse, as
compared to the classic Jewish blessing:


Blessing:
"You should live a long life, make a good income,
and have naches from the children."

Curse:
"You should live a long life, have good naches, and
an income from the children."

Blues for Jews
by Benny Gourionne
(aka Stephen D. Gross)



We got Hebrews
They play da Blues
and den they sit a-
round an' Shmooze
Then they eat Latkes
It's like a hot kiss
that burns the heart
mmm-mm-mmm-mm

When Jascha Heifetz
plays the fiddle
it's jes' like I sits
in the middle
of two young chippies
from Mississippi
who sing the Blues
mmm-mm-mm-mmm

If Itzhaak Perlman
played blues with me
we'd get some girls, man
they'd make coffee
we'd pet their poodle
then eat their strudel
baked with the Blues
mm-mmm-mm-mm

Give me some quarters
fire up them jukes
Talmuddy Waters
plays the Five Books
he even says, Ma
that he plays Kelzmer
behind da Shul
mmm-mm-mm-mmm

We got shmaltz herring
and kishke too
Some fat back matzoh
and goulash stew
but stop your honkin'
about that Flanken
It still can't Moo
mm-mm-mmm-mm

Well Benny Goodman played clarinet
and sweet Al Jolson
he sure could sweat
Then Bo and Fats heard
how Mickey Katz purred
They're listenin' yet
mm-mmm-mm-mmm

We love Yom Kippur
dat's when we fast
then we feel chipper
we eat at last!
carry no money
but milk and honey
they chase the blues

Dem guys with hoods
they run at dawn
a big Menorah
burns on my lawn
they'd like to cook us
come kiss my tuchas
til'you turn blue
mm-mm-mmm-mm

Congregation Board Decision


The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in
the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

"The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

Suit Up, Boychik
It's Every Jewish Boy's Bad Dream:
Going With Mom to Shop For a Bar Mitzvah Outfit

by Suzanne C. Ryan,
As Appeared in "The Boston Globe", Wednesday, March 4, 1998


NEWTON (MA) - It's a weekday afternoon and 12-year-old Ben Lewis
would rather be anywhere else right now.

Standing in front of a mirror at the men's clothing store
Simon & Sons, Ben is dejectedly modeling for his mother the black
suit he'll wear to his bar mitzvah next month.

"Do you like the plain fabric?" prompts his mother, Sherri Lewis.
"Yea," Ben mumbles.

"Do you want to try on the pinstriped suit?" she asks. "No," he says.

"Do you care if it's poly-wool or regular wool?" she asks. Ben
shrugs nonchalantly.

At a time when baggy jeans and hooded sweat shirts are the norm,
it's not easy talking up a tailored business suit to a gum-popping
12-year-old. Just ask some of the Jewish mothers in the Boston
area who are scrambling to prepare their sons for their bar
mitzvahs, one of the most anticipated of childhood events.

"He didn't want to come," says Sherri Lewis. "I had to bribe him
and coax him. I said, 'The bar mitzvah is a few weeks away. We've
got to go.'"

Without question, the suit-buying event is a major part of the
tradition surrounding a Jewish boy's big day, a coming-of-age
religious ceremony in which 13-year-olds are called to read and
interpret the Torah, Judaism's sacred text, in front of their
congregation.

But for many boys, buying a suit is a new and traumatic experience.
For one thing, it's embarrassing and totally uncool to be seen in
a suit. The universal uniform to wear to a friend's bar mitzvah
is khaki pants and blue blazers. (It's so common that parents
complain their kids often grab the wrong blue blazer after the
event.)

Hard, toe-pinching dress shoes are also a foreign concept to boys
who've sported comfy sneakers and trendy ankle boots since they
were old enough to care about clothes.

They don't know how to tie a tie. And -- after years of shopping
at stores like the Gap -- they've never had a salesperson ask
about sartorial preferences like double-breasted jackets or cuffed
pant legs.

"Christian Dior. What's that?" asks 12-year-old Daniel Jaynes, of
Canton.

For many parents, the bar mitzvah shopping spree is an ordeal as
well. It's so much easier dressing daughters for their bat mitzvahs
(the equivalent event for 13-year-old girls.) While preteen girls
can be sullen too, more of them are fond of shopping and most have
worn a fancy dress to an event before.

Not so for many boys. And not only are their suits expensive (they
typically range from $185 to $300), they need all the accessories,
too: dress shoes ($45 to $75), dress socks ($5), dress shirt ($25 to
$30), tie ($15 to $20), and dress belt ($15 to $20).

And for all that expense, the boys may wear the suit only four or
five times before they outgrow it.

'It's going to be very painful to shell out $300 to $400," says Lea
Berkovits, of Brookline, who has seven children, including
12-year-old son Chanan.

Then there's the actual search for the outfit. You'd think that
would be the easy part. But not that many stores sell boys' suits.
Macy's has a few, but Filene's doesn't, nor TJ Maxx, nor Miltons. If
you know about it, there's Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse in
Braintree, and Lebow Brothers Men's & Boy's Clothing in Wellesley.



Part store, part therapist

But the word in the temples is: Simon & Sons. The retailer began
stocking boys' suits in its Newton store five years ago, after
Jewish mothers in the area basically demanded it. Now the men's
store is like bar mitzvah central, offering one of the largest
selections of boys' suits in the area (350 choices), as well as
six styles of boys' dress shoes; 50 patterns of boys' ties (sized
to fit a boy's neck, and with a sheet of instructions on tying);
five styles of boys' belts; and seven styles of boys' shirts ranging
from size 8 to 20.

"We've got everything for boys, from head to toe," says Paul Simon,
owner of the two-store company.

That kind of selection has created a flood of bar mitzvah shoppers.
Indeed, on one wall the store has 250 snapshots of bar mitzvah boys.
Posing in their newly purchased suits, the kids are lined up in rows
with names like Levy, Stern, Siegel, and Bloom. During the recent
school vacation week, more than 100 mothers and their sons visited
the store.

Says shopper Eva Victor Lessin, of Lexington, "In temple, everyone
talks about this store."

To be sure, merchandise alone isn't the only thing that's made
Simon & Sons remarkable. Its real contribution may be that -- during
one of the most important events of its customers' lives -- the store
willingly serves as part clothier, part family therapist, and part
peacemaker. Somehow, its salespeople have mastered how to resolve
family feuds while overcoming boys' indifference to fashion, or their
ignorance of it.

"We've had maternal and paternal grandparents in here arguing over
who's going to pay," says salesman David Duggan. "Meanwhile, we're
like the dentist to some kids," he says.

A parent, too, can be caught up in the emotions of the upcoming
occasion -- acknowledging his or her boy as a young man. Indeed,
while Liliane Schor, of Wayland, joyfully reminisces about her
18-year-old son's bar mitzvah five years ago, Simon listens patiently
while he quickly outfits her twin sons David and Michael in
gray-pinstripe and olive-green suits.

"What style ties do you guys like?" Simon asks them. 'I don't know,"
they both respond. No problem. Simon suggests geometric patterns.

A similar Q&A ensues over the shirts and belts, and in 45 minutes flat,
the 13-year-old twins are suited up and headed out the door. Liliane
Schor is beaming. "They're going to look so handsome," she says.



When kids balk

Of course, some kids don't want a salesperson, or their parents,
telling them how to dress. When Simon recommends a burgundy belt for
an olive green suit, Daniel Jaynes wrinkles up his nose. "I like
black," he says. When Simon suggests a royal blue shirt to match a
blue blazer (for a bar mitzvah after-party), Daniel rejects the idea,
muttering under his breath, "He's just saying that because he's
wearing a blue shirt."

Then Daniel spots another after-party item, a funky printed black vest,
and there's no stopping him. "I'm buying it. It's spiffy," he says.
"It doesn't go with your blazer," says his mother, Lois Jaynes. But
Daniel's ready for her. "Listen, I'll wear it with a white shirt and
khakis," he says. Lois Jaynes sighs, "He's a clotheshorse."

Some kids are embarrassed to tell a salesperson no. After 45 minutes
of poking and prodding, salesman Robert Carney has a bar mitzvah
outfit all laid out for Ben Lewis: a black suit with a cream shirt,
and black and tan tie. Ben gives a nod and his mom is at the cash
register.

Then Ben confides to his 15-year-old sister, Rebecca, that he really
doesn't like the outfit. "Tell her," Rebecca urges. But Ben waits
until Carney walks away. "I want to wear a regular white shirt, and
black and white tie," he whispers to his mom.

Since Sherri Lewis is wearing an ivory-colored dress, she tries to
talk Ben into the cream shirt. "It would be nice if we matched for
the pictures," she says.

Ben is silent. Seconds pass.

"OK. It's your day," says his mom.

Standing at the cash register, Ben smiles for the first time in an
hour. The shopping ordeal is over.

Brachot
What bracha do you say when you sit down on a piece of gum?
Lei-shev bazooka

What do you call an artificial sacrifice?
A korbon copy

What can you do on Friday night if you've forgotten to buy
anything for lechem mishna?
Turn to the door and say "Bo-i challa, bo-i challa."

What do you say when the challa comes in?
Shalom Ha-Lechem

Bris or Get?
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get [Jewish Divorce]?

A: In a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck!

The Bris
as told by Alan Dershowitz
in The
Vanishing American Jew




For those who believe that the birth of a son is the most
joyous event, the ceremony honoring it has a good news-bad
news quality, at least for the boy.

A week after the birth, the boy is given a party, with herring,
wine, cake.

Then suddenly comes the bad news, as he realizes the purpose of
the party!

Maybe that's why Jews have traditionally had such an aversion to
alcohol. But it doesn't explain our attraction to cake!

Brisket Recipe



A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner.
Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of
the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.

The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a
moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always
saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "

So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off
the brisket before roasting. "The Grandmother thinks for a moment and
then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY
mother make a brisket."

Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket,"
they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"

"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan
that was large enough!"

Brits vs. Jews

The Difference between an British Gentlemen and A Jew is :


A British Gentlemen leaves and doesn't say good bye.


A Jew says good bye and doesn't leave.

Mohel in the Bronx



On the Lower East Side of N.Y. was a store front with the name
MOISHE THE MOHEL. He was very popular in the neighborhood and made
lots of money. As his prosperity grew he and his wife decided to
upgrade and move to the Grand Concourse in The Bronx. Up there his
store front sign reads, MAURICE THE YANKEE CLIPPER.

Brooklyn Travel

An out-of-towner driving east in Crown Heights Brooklyn
pulls up his car next to a local Hassid and asks, "How far
is it to Fifth Avenue in Manhattan?"

The Hassid considers it for a moment, then answers "The way
you're going, about twenty-four thousand miles."

Bubbe



A Jewish grandmother takes her five year-old granchild
for a walk in the park one day. A neighbor sees them,
comes up and says "What a beautiful little girl!"

"That's nothing," says the grandma. "You should see her picture."

A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses






Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.

Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.

Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.

Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.

Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.

Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.

Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.

Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.

Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.

Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."

Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.

After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.

Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die.

Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.

Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.

Bubbe's Medicine



In the middle of a grand theatrical performance one of the leading
actors collapses, groaning, on stage. Responding to anxious requests
for help from the manager a concerned huddle soon develops around
him consisting, among others, of not a few eminent physicians who
happen to be present in the auditorium. As they cluster round
discussing possible diagnoses and treatments and the audience looks
on enthralled, a voice rings out from the balcony:

"Give him chicken soup!"

The figures on stage pay no attention and carry on with their
deliberations. For a second time the voice cries out:

"Give him some chicken soup!"

The discussions on stage continue, perhaps becoming somewhat more
heated, and more urgent. For a third time, louder than before, the
voice comes:

"Give the poor man some chicken soup!"

Exasperated, one of the figures on stage turns and addresses the
source of the voice, a small wizened Jewish grandmother:

"My good woman", he says, "This man is gravely ill. What on earth
could possibly be the benefit to him of plying him with chicken soup?"

All eyes turn to hear her response.

"And what harm?"

Oy Am I Thirsty


It's the 6 am bus and real quiet. All of a sudden, an old
bubbeh yells out "Oy am I thirsty!" "Oy am I thirsty!"
"Oy am I thirsty!" And she goes on and on and on at the top
of her lungs.

The sleepy passengers beg the bus driver to stop at the next
corner and get the kvetch a drink already!

So he does. "Here lady! Drink up! And shut up!"

She drinks the drink. The bus moves on. The passengers nod off
again or peek into their newspapers, happy the old bubbeh is
quiet. All of a sudden they hear....

"Oy WAS I thirsty!" "Oy, was I thirsty!"

Plot Resolution


Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one
claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their
arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.

After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case.
Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever
dies first will have the right to this burial place".

From then on, they stopped fighting ...

Jewish Business Secrets


Hymie Cohen and his friend Mick Murphy have adjacent shops on New York's
East Side. After five years Hymie owns the whole block, while Mick only
has a small shop.

"Hymie, I'm fed up. We both work the same. Tell me, what's the secret of
Jewish business success?"

"Easy," replies Hymie. "Gefilte fish."

"Gefilte fish? Well, could you let me have some?"

Hymie sells Mick a pound for $10. On his way home, Mick notices another
shop selling Gefilte fish for only $4 per pound. He returns to Hymie's.
"Listen, Hymie, it's very kind of you to give me the secret of Jewish
business success, but I saw gefilte fish on sale down the road at less
than half the price."

"See," said Hymie, "it's working already!"

Camp Necessities


Marvin went to Boy Scout camp. During inspection the scoutmaster
found an umbrella in his bedroll.

"What's this doing here", he yelled. "This isn't listed as a
necessary item".

"Maybe not", Marvin replied, "but you don't have a Jewish mother".

Cantorial Insurance
as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor



"A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing
voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London
for $750,000."

There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly,
from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

Capitalism



After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her
students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose
father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish,
I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."

Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around
the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

Catholic Conversion


A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the
Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him.

Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take
the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic."


The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells
every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to
the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing
over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and
saying:
....."Born a cow
......Raised a cow
......Now a fish."

Chaya and Schmeryl's Wedding Program


Welcome to Chaya and Schmeryl's wedding. We are delighted that all
of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Chaya's parents' expense.
We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and
deep meaning of the Jewish wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a
means to distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect
your neighbors' flatulence.

Kabalat Panim

The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to
offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her
friends and family. Chaya is seated on a large, throne-like chair,
where she receives greetings from guests. At this point, it is
customary for the men to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of
hungry refugees.

It is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the
bride looks, while musing quietly about what she'll look like after
about ten years of childbirth and strudel.

The Ketubah



Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important
role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the
ketubah, an ancient document that details Schmeryl's monetary
responsibilities and Chaya's claim to all of his assets, including the
shirt off his back, as security for those obligations in the event of
death or divorce. It is customary to decorate this document with
pretty flowers and other colorful designs and hang it from the wall
of the couple's new home.

At this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but
largely symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless.
The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their
children should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to
get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?

The Chosson's Tisch

"Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch,"
the men gather around a table and serenade Schmeryl with Hebrew
drinking songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and
tannaim. It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass
of scotch all over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a
scholar, he delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is
customary for the men to discuss the basketball or football game that
they are missing in order to be at the wedding.

Bedekin

An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein the
bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of
separation, and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make
this process as noisy and confusing as possible, Schmeryl is danced in
by a large crowd of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over
Chaya's face, consummating an important part of the marriage process.
Many authorities insist that Chaya's veil remain down from now until
the wedding ceremony. This is because it is funny to watch her bump
into things.

The Procession

During the ceremony, Chaya and Schmeryl will stand under the chuppah,
or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since
most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets.

Schmeryl is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family:
bubbe and zayde; his brothers, Yonkie and Yitzie; sister Huvie and
friends Chaim Mukapuckapucka, Louis Friedsnickman and Dr. Steven
Putzamulla. Schmeryl will then enter, escorted by his mother and
father, who are carrying lit candles in order to keep away the
mosquitoes.

Chaya's family and friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sisters Mali,
Rachel and Latifa; brother Duvie and friends Shani Grezputkinoff and
Dani Rulbuggabug. Chaya, together with her parents, will enter next,
at which point it is customary to stand up and take flash pictures
8 inches from her face.

When Chaya has reached the chuppah, she will walk around Schmeryl
seven times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it
is the smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square
and an odd number greater than one.

Kiddushin

In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the
head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism
sought to bring reverence and sancity to this relationship between
man and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short
Hebrew formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock
or animal bone and dragging her away.

The essence of the wedding ceremony is "kiddushin," wherein Schmeryl
buys Chaya for a nominal sum. Once Schmeryl has bought Chaya, no one
else is allowed to either buy or borrow Chaya and Schmeryl may not sell
Chaya at any point. Any liens, easements or sale-leaseback
arrangements involving Chaya that pre-date Schmeryl's purchase should
not be discussed publicly, except in low tones among cousins and family
friends during the wedding ceremony.

Nesuin

The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first
half; don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act symbolizes the groom's
removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his
own domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this
obligation:
Veiling the bride - performed during the bedekin
Standing under the chupah together
Yichud - Complete seclusion in a private room. This is
where the bride and groom traditionally break their
fast, and it affords Schmeryl his first real
opportunity to practice ignoring his wife while eating.

Sheva Brachot

The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the
Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing
is customarily given out as an honor to a different individual. It is
considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars
with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since few
families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course of
a lifetime, it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to
pretend to be rabbis.

Breaking the Glass

At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing the
verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand
forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Schmeryl will step on a
glass; the broken glass symbolizes the memory of the destroyed Holy
Temple and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of
a wedding incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience
generally breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the
Messiah has not yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in
Teaneck.

Wake Up Call

In Chelm, the Shammes used to go around waking everyone up for
minyan in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would
complain that although the snow was beautiful, they could not see
it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the
morning, the Shammes had already trekked through the snow to
wake the men up for minyan. The townspeople decided that they
had to find a way to let the Shammes wake everyone up for minyan
without having him make tracks in the snow.

The people of Chelm hit on a solution. They got four men to
volunteer to carry the Shammes around standing on a table every
time there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the Shammes
could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the
snow.....

Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul

(NOTE FROM LORI: At the time this was written, there were no "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books geared for Jewish readers. In 2001, the group finally wrote Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul.)


Browsing the self-help section of my local bookstore this past week,
I couldn't help noticing an entire wall devoted to the inspirational
juggernaut that is "Chicken Soup For the Soul." To the heartwarming
original, the series' editor, Jack Canfield, has since added "A
Second Helping," "A Third Serving," "A Fourth Course," "A Fifth
Portion" and "A Sixth Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul," not to
mention "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul," the "Couple's Soul,"
the "Teenager's Soul," the "Mother's Soul," the "Woman's Soul," the
"Country Soul," and the "Pet Lover's Soul." In all, the Chicken Soup
franchise now comprises more than 100 different volumes, and the
number grows weekly.


Conspicuously absent from this list is "Chicken Soup for the Jewish
Soul." It's an odd omission given the well-known affinity of the
Jewish people for self-improvement and chicken soup. Throughout
history, Jews have been at the vanguard of self-help, beginning
with the publication of our first and most influential work of
self-help, "The Ten Commandments of Highly Effective Israelites"
(Moses [Ed.], et. al.). Other significant self-help books of Jewish
provenance include the Talmud, the "Ethica Ordine Geometrico
Demonstrata" of Spinoza and the collected works of Ruth Westheimer.
(Many scholars believe that the Talmud would have done more
business had it been published under its original title, "The
Rules.")


So "Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" would seem to be a sure bet,
financially speaking, and one can only assume that Mr. Canfield's
got one bubbling away on the stove, to be followed, no doubt, by
"A Matzo Ball for the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul," "Some Rye
Bread for Washing Down the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" and
"A Gigantic Plastic Container of Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
to Take Home for Later." Until it reaches bookstores, though, I'd
like to suggest a few other current works of Jewish self-help,
which, although perhaps not as well known as the Chicken Soup books,
still merit consideration:


"All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Hebrew School": This frankly
erotic work elaborates the author's premise that the skills he's
valued most highly in life were first imparted to him on Tuesday
and Thursday afternoons in a temple supply closet by a slightly
zaftig Brandeis undergraduate named Faye Berkowitz.


"The Grandma of the Gifted Child": A guide to being so proud you
could just burst. Includes techniques for effective kvelling and
explains what to do when you're trumped by the grandson of another
lady in your retirement community.


"The Oy of Sex": A Jewish companion volume to the well-known sex
manual, this book offers lush illustrations of the probable
expressions on your mother's face if she ever caught you doing any
of the things depicted in those disgusting illustrations from
"The Joy of Sex." (Particularly the ones on pages 94-95!)


"14,000 Things for Jews to be Happy About": In a quixotic attempt
to improve the mood of his constitutionally worry-prone people,
author Arnie Plotkin compiled this list of things for Jews to be
happy about. The book, marketed through temple bookstores, was a
commercial failure, but later achieved success under a new title:
"14,000 Things That Could Go Wrong."


"The Seven Habits of Highly Sephardic People": This provocative
book explores the benefits to general well-being that can be gained
from eating legumes on Passover and speaking Ladino.


"Women Who Run with the Wolfs": Sylvia Wolf and her daughter, Lisa,
discuss their trials and tribulations in convincing the ladies of the
local Hadassah chapter to sign up for a 5K charity run.


"Life's Little Reconstructionist Book": 613 suggestions,
observations, and commandments for Jews who have a different belief
in G-d.


"The Stella Stein Prophecy": In the most recent book by the
self-proclaimed "Nostradamus of Nostrand Ave.," Mrs. Stein uses her
psychic powers to foretell the future of people who don't chew their
food well, sit far enough away from the TV or check for ticks after
playing in tall grass by the same author: "I'm Okay, You Look a Bit
Pale").


Of course, it's also possible that we'll never see a "Chicken Soup
for the Jewish Soul." Why? Because, as a Jewish mother knows, the
only real "Chicken Soup for the Soul" is, in fact, a nice, hot bowl
of chicken soup.

A Child's Interpretation of the Ten Commandments


My nephew, who has just started the first grade,
was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.
Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not
commit adultery," he was asked what this
commandment meant.


With absolute seriousness he replied, "That
means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."

The Children of Israel


At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It
was now time for the usual question period.

"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

"What's that?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red
Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Uh--right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you are correct."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel
fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something
important, right?"

"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

"Didn't the grown-ups do anything!"

A Family Tradition


A man's son was about four years old.

The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School.
His father asked him what he'd learned that day.

The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have
any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised";
but the answer was still "Yes."

(#C001) Hide and seek
Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were
brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and
the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing
hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLE’s turn to hide. While MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and
hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking
for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars
parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldn’t
find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside
dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with
him.
The policeman said, “And what, may I ask,
are you doing little boy?”
And the boy replied, “Playing a game.”
The policeman then asked, “What’s your
name?”
And the boy replied, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”
The Policeman got angry and said loudly,
“Are you looking for trouble?”
And the boy replied, “Yes.”
(#C002) Bees hair
“Mummy,” says little Issy, “Why do bees
have sticky hair?”
”Because they use honeycombs.”
(#C003) The story teller
One day, Emma the teacher is reading out
loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the
bit where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So Chicken Little went
over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling.”
Emma then asks her class, "What do you
think the farmer then said?"
Little Moshe raises his hand. "I think
he said, ‘Goodness, a talking chicken."
(#C004) The fur coat
Little Abe was talking to his older brother
Isaac.
“Isaac,” asks Abe, “why do bears have
fur coats?”
Isaac replies, “That’s easy. It’s because
they'd look silly in anoraks.”
(#C005) Pet request
“Daddy,” says little Melissa, “Can you
buy me a budgie?”
“Not now, darling,” he replies, “now is
not the right time.”
“So when is the right time to buy a budgie,
Daddy?” Melissa asks.
“When they're going cheap,” replies Daddy
(#C006) Visit to the zoo
Mummy and daddy have taken little Issy
to London Zoo. They were watching the lions.
“Mummy,” says Issy, “what’s a lion's favourite
food?”
”Why, baked beings of course,” she replies.
(#C007) Lions in the park
Little Yitzhak was talking to his best
friend Harry.
“Harry,” he says, “I was surrounded by
lions in the park this afternoon.”
“What,” says Harry, “lions in the park?”
“Yes,” replies Yitzhak, “dandelions.”
(#C008) Shabbos meal
It was Friday night and little Sam was
having his Shabbos meal with his parents. They were, as usual, going to
eat roast chicken.
When it arrived, Sam’s daddy smiled and
said, “Sam, do you know why this roast chicken is like an armchair?”
“No daddy.”
“Because they're both full of stuffing,
that’s why,” said his daddy.
(#C009) Knock Knock
“Knock knock.”
”Who's there?”
”Abe.”
”Abe who?”
”Abe C D E F G H...”
(#C010) Late again
Emma was telling her mummy a story about
a witch who arrived at a hotel without her broom because the broom was
late.
“Why was the broom late, Emma?” asked
her mummy.
“Because it over swept, mummy.  
And, mummy, do you know what the witch asked for when she went to reception?”
“What did she ask for, Emma?”
“Broom service.”
(#C011) Soup
Mummy and daddy had taken little Benjy
to Blooms kosher restaurant.
During their first course, Benjy says,
“This soup tastes funny, daddy.”
His daddy replies, “So why aren’t you
laughing?”
(#C012) The bargain
Little Morris was telling his friend Cyril
all about his Chanukah presents.
“My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It’s
the best present I've ever had.”
“Why?”
“Because my mummy gives me extra money
every week if I don’t play it.”
(#C013) Bottom at the top
Little Max was telling his friend Howard
a riddle.
“What has a bottom at the top?”
Howard said, “I don't know, Max. What
does have a bottom at the top?”
“Why it’s your legs, of course.”
(#C014) Fish meal
Little Sidney was watching his mummy prepare
the fish for dinner.
She asks him, “Do you know what part of
a fish weighs the most, darling?”
”No,” he replies.
“It’s the scales.”
(#C015) Angry teacher
Emma was telling her little sister Melissa
all about school.
Emma says, “My teacher shouted at me today
for something I didn't do.”
So what didn't you do?” asks Melissa.
Emma replies, “My homework.”
(#C016) Visit to the butchers
Little Naomi goes to her kosher butchers
and asks, “Mummy wants to know how much is the duck?”
The butcher replies, “£12.”
“OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send
us the bill.”
”I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll
have to take the whole bird.”
(#C017) Clock watching
Little David was staring at the clock
on the mantelpiece.
Then he says, “Daddy, what do people do
in clock factories?”
His daddy replies, “They make faces all
day.”
(#C018) Dead Sea
Benjamin was enjoying his trip to the
Red Sea.
During dinner, Benjamin says, “Daddy,
if you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?”
His daddy replies, “Wet, of course.”
(#C019) Hebrew Lesson
During his Hebrew lesson, little Alan
asks his teacher, Where was King Solomon's temple, teacher?
”On his forehead.” Replies the teacher.
(#C020) The cross eyed teacher
Little Sarah was telling her best friend
Naomi that her teacher's eyes are always crossed.
“Why is that?” asked Naomi.
“Because she can’t control her pupils.”
 

(#C021) Head wear
Little Moshe’s dad asks him one day, “Do
you know what the hat said to the scarf?”
“No, daddy, I don’t,” replies Moshe.
”You hang around while I go on ahead,”
says his dad.
(#C022) Black and white
The teacher said to her class, “Does anyone
know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?”
Little Sarah put up her hand and said,
“It’s a blackboard, miss.”
(#C023) The eyes
One Sunday, little Benny’s grandpa asks
him a question, “Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?”
”No, Zeida.”
“It said, “Between you and me, something
smells.””
(#C024) Dustbins
One day at school, little Max was talking
to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about
the dustbin lorry?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don't worry,” said Max, “it's only a
load of rubbish.”
(#C025) Monster?
Little Naomi said to her mum, “Mum, what’s
got four legs and one foot?”
”I don’t know,” said her mum.
“A bed.”
(#C026) Music lover
One day, little Rifka went up to her dad
and said, “Dad, I want to play our piano but I can’t open the lid.”
“Of course you can’t,” said her dad, “the
keys are inside.”
(#C027) Letter T
Teacher asks her class, “Does anybody
know what starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?”
Little Benjy puts up his hand and says,
“A teapot, miss.”
(#C028) On the beach
It was August and little Hannah was on
holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, “Did you know that
they don’t allow elephants on this beach?”
”Why, dad?”
“Because they can't keep their trunks
up.”
(#C029) The race
One day at school, little Morris and little
Henry had a race and Henry won.
Morris then says to Henry, “you won, but
I know what you lost.”
“What did I lose, then?”
“Your breath.”
(#C030) The lion
Little Leah asks her dad, “Do you know
what happened when the lion ate the comedian?”
“No, I don’t, darling.”
“He felt funny.”
(#C031) Walking
One day, little Sam is out walking with
his dad.
Sam says, “Do you know what runs but never
walks, dad?”
”I don’t know, Sam.”
“Water.”
(#C032) Night time question
Just before she went to bed, little Ruth’s
mum asks her a question, “Do you know how to make milk shake, darling?”
“No I don’t, mum.”
“You give it a good fright.”
(#C033) Breakfast
One morning, little Avrahom is eating
his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, “Do you know
what cheese is made backwards?”
“No, mum.”
“Edam.”
(#C034) The fool
One day, little Isaac says to his dad,
“Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?”
“No.”
”Oh, so it's you.”
(#C035) Cat food
One breakfast time, little Rivkah’s mum
asks her, “What do cats eat for breakfast, darling?”
”I don’t know, mum.”
“Mice Crispies”
(#C036) On the river
One Sunday, little David is with his parents
on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, “What do you think sea
monsters eat, David?”
“I don’t know, dad.”
“Fish and ships.”
(#C037) Afters
While she was eating her lockshen pudding,
little Judith’s mum says to her, “Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling?”
“No, mum.”
“A jelly baby.”
(#C038) The teeth
Why did little Arnold wear a belt on his
teeth?
Because he couldn't find his braces.
(#C039) At the zoo
Little Freda was at the Zoo with her dad
when he asks her, “What do you call a deer with no eyes, darling?”
“What, dad?”
“No idea.”
(#C040) Can’t eat
One breakfast time, little Rebecca says
to her mum, “What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum?”
“I don’t know?”
“Lunch and dinner, of course.”
 

Children's Sh'ma




A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew
teacher quoting Scripture.

"The L-rd our G-d is One," the teacher declared.

"When will He be two?" the youngster asked.

Deli Waiter


Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively
by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent
impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were
enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect
Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the
restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn
such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said,
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

The Chumra of the Week Club



Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present:

The Chumra of the Week Club.


Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!)
better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe
you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by
any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!

Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic
Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our
present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).

Choose from Chumras in:

Fleishigs
Milchigs
Davening
Clothing
Tefillin and Tzitzit
and many more.
(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam
lamakom.)

After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each
week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can
immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a
Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your
Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is
inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within
7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice.

Reasons for exchange include:
You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency -
unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness
and stringency).
Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid.
You want to be the first one in your community with this
Chumra.


We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We
have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most
obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra
taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique
and to amaze all your friends.)

To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following
form scrupulously:

Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to
supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).
Address: _______
Phone:________
To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____

Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
a) Regular ____
b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details.
All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest
confidence.

Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers,
we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the
"Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."

Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and
change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly
envy for all your friends.

Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other
guy will say."

`Chosen Beer' Sales Grow Among Consumers Desiring Kosher Brew
By Debra Nussbaum Cohen



NEW YORK, Oct. 7 (JTA) -- In the beginning there was an idea and it was
good: Jewish beer, named ``He'Brew -- The Chosen Beer.''

The beginning, for beer developer Jeremy Cowan, was last Chanukah, and it
was so good that he sold every bottle of his 100 cases almost as soon as
they hit the shelves of the liquor stores, kosher delis and restaurants
that carried it in the San Francisco area.

Today Cowan, 28, has contracted with a leading micro-brewery and
professional beer distributors in the San Francisco area, and is selling as
many cases of the unconventional beer -- 500 -- in a week as he did during
the past nine months.

The beer, whose theme is "exile never tasted so good," is available in
stores throughout California and in other places by toll-free mail order
through The Wine Club.

The centerpiece of the beer's brightly colored label is a picture of a
Chasidic-looking rabbi looming over a landscape that puts the Golden Gate
Bridge right next to a Jerusalem skyline.

Although no beer is kosher for Passover -- hops are made from forbidden
grain -- the label's side panel answers the question: Why is this beer
different from all other beers?

As the label explains in a Jewish text-referenced way, the answer is
part-Jackie Mason shtick, part-micro-brewing expertise: "Our first
creation is Genesis Ale.

"Barley is one of seven Biblical species that celebrate the bounty of the
Land of Milk and Honey (Deut. 8.8), and He'Brew draws a symbolic link to
our own Garden of Eden in Northern California. A smidgen of Middle East, a
dash of American West."

Cowan shmaltzes it up on the label, which also says, "Like your bubbe's
chicken soup, there's no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold."

T-shirts, posters, pint glasses and other paraphernalia are available
directly through Cowan at his San Francisco-based company, Shmaltz
Enterprises.

The beer is certified by a local kashrut agency.

The label also says that 10 percent of the beer's profits go to tzedakah,
or charity.

Cowan said he has donated beer to Jewish organizations, which have
auctioned it off at their fund raisers.

His customer base has been diverse. Last Purim a Chabad house ordered a
keg, and "skateboard-MTV-type Jewish kids buy it at grocery stores,"
Cowan said.

Cowan first hit on the idea a decade ago while talking with the only other
Jewish student in the high school they attended in Menlo Park, Calif., a
suburb about 30 miles south of San Francisco.

A year ago, Cowan talked a small group of his most faithful friends into
squeezing the juice out of pomegranates -- an early ingredient in the beer
that he had to drop when it made government labelling and kosher
certification requirements too complicated -- in his living room.

In the works is a full line including another beer, to be introduced next
summer, coffee drinks, teas and sodas, Cowan said.

"I want He'Brew to be like Manischewitz for the next generation," Cowan
said, "a high-quality product, but with a lot of funk and humor."

Afterlife



A rabbi and a priest on a train, in conversation:


Priest: "Last night I had a dream about your Jewish paradise.
I saw dirt and trash everywhere and the place was
absolutely packed with all your people."

Rabbi: "What a coincidence ! I too dreamed about paradise -
the Christian one, though. It was a wonderful land
filled with flowers, fragrant scents and sunshine - but
nowhere at all could I see even one person!"

Christian Love


British Novelist Israel Zangwell was Jewish. Upon hearing this,
a gentile told him that Jews were suspicious of gentiles,
clannish, and unfriendly.

The author looked at the speaker, sighed, and replied, "Yes.
Two thousand years of Christian Love has made us very nervous."

Chutzpa


A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father
and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because
he is an orphan.

Circumcision Joke



Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older
than 8-days old?


A: A girl.

Cliche Come True
"Is a Rabbi rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?"

Halachos of Coffee


In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was
revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from
hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret
teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd
Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou
shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you
observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of
thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are exempt.)
The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further research
uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this allegedly
"secret teaching."

Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in
the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama
[time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a
mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude
that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R. Chama
bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at all.

What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos
rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the
morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until later
in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling patterns at
greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha shebehol eyt,
erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your goodness at all
times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not coffee with cream one of
G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain that this mitzvah applies
to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos rishon. (Halacha follows this
opinion.) Once again, women and men are both obligated in this mitzvah.
Are Jews, then, commanded to drink coffee? No, but those who do are
considered praiseworthy. What of those who do not drink coffee? They are
obligated to contemplate the coffee of a friend, and to refrain from
stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he).

May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee has
never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may contemplate it.
The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it was prepared and
served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it even in unkosher
vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do not do this, and
Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.

May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet
Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the
convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics.
Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As usual, we follow Bet
Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not drink the coffee, the
coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal tashchit [do not
destroy].

What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is forbidden
in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve ersatz
cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah [beautifying
a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest ingredients we can afford,
and mocha mix is inferior to authentic cream. Hence we do not serve coffee
after meat. (Black coffee does not fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah
notes that those who are especially pious refrain from eating meat at any
time so that they will always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real
cream. So important is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable
(except for those with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur
mitzvah, the Kos Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition
to fine quality coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not
only must the coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but
when one refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a
silver spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon
was available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's
family.

One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused stirring
implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude (erroneously) that
stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may first stir sugar into
coffee and then refrain from stirring after adding cream, those who are
strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the stirrer. Neither may one stir
the coffee first, and then pour in cream while the coffee is still in
motion relying on turbulence to mix the cream. The Torah is explicit that
the purpose is to observe convection currents (which must be generated by
temperature diffential, and not any other motion or current). In recent
years it has become common to use special coffee cups made of glass, so
that one may observe the currents not only from the top, but from the
sides and bottom as well. Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not
invalidate cups made of fine china.

Combatting Solitude


A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the
middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise,
is a recipe for matzah balls.

When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told,
"Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts
to get to you, you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're
going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're
going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying,
'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls."

A Conversation Between Moses and G-d


"Excuse me, Sir."


"Is that you again, Moses?"


"I'm afraid it is, Sir."


"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"


"How did you guess?"


"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"


"Oh, yeah. I forgot."


"Tell me what you want, Moses."


"But you already know. Remember?"


"Moses!"


"Sorry, sir."


"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"


"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
you sent me."


"You mean the commandments, Moses?"


"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."


"What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."


"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
but of course you would see right through that."


"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
you didn't save them, Moses?"


"No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
them to some people before I lost them though. "


"And did you hear back from any of them?"


"You already know I did."


"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"


"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."


"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"


"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."


"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
was scamming him?"


"I think that is spamming, Moses."


"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
through a computer."


"And what he did say?"


"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"


"They're called viruses, Moses."


"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
lost them."


"We'll do it the new way, Moses."


"I was afraid you would say that, sir."


"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"


"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."


"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"


"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"


"No, Moses."


"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"


"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."


"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
who named one of the computers Apple?"


"Say good night, Moses."


"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."


"Which ones are they, Moses?"


"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'


"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Conversion Dilemma


A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.

"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I
raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the
Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to
Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason him!"

The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing
happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in
my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he
converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to
tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."

To two men started praying:
"Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue.
Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"

A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"

The Creation Algorithm




//CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440
//*
/*SETUP DISK=PRIMAL
//*
//JOBLIB DD DSN=UNIVERSE,DISP=(OLD,KEEP)
//*
//* FOR EXTENDED DOCUMENTATION ON THIS JOB REFER TO MEMBER
//* BOOK.ONE, CHAPTER,ONE OF SYSDOC FILE WORD.OF.GOD
//* TAMPER WITH THIS JOB AT YOUR OWN EXTREME RISK!
//*
//DAYONE EXEC PGM=IEBGENER
//VOID DD DSN=CHAOS
//DAY DD DSN=LIGHT
//NIGHT DD DSN=DARKNESS
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE LIGHT, AND LET DARKNESS BE A SEPARATE DATASET!
/*
//DAYTWO EXEC PGM=SORT
//FIRM DD DSN=HEAVEN,DCB=DSORG=PO
//WATERS1 DD DSN=HEAVEN(ABOVE)
//WATERS2 DD DSN=HEAVEN(BELOW)
//SYSIN DD *
LET THE FIRMANENT, CALLED HEAVEN, PARTITION THE WATERS!
/*
//DAYTHREE EXEC PGM=MERGE
//MERGEIN DD DSN=BELOW
//MERGEOUT DD DSN=DRY.LAND
//EARTH DD DSN=DRY.LANE
//BELOW DD DSN=SEAS
//FLORA DD DSN=GRASSES.HERBES
// DD DSN=FRUIT.TREES
//SYSIN DD *
SET THE EARTH CONCATENATE GRASS AND TREES
/*
//DAYFOUR EXEC PGM=IEBUPDTE
//SUN DD DSN=LIGHT
//MOON DD DSN=LIGHT
//STARS DD DSN=LIGHT
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE PANEL LIGHTS TO INDICATE THE STATUS OF
THE UNIVERSE!
/*
//DAYFIVE DD PGM=IEHMOVE
//WHALES DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//FOWL DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//SYSIN DD *
BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY UNTIL OVERFLOW
/*
//DAYSIX EXEC PGM=IEBCOPY
//MAN DD DSN=GOD.IMAGE
//MALE DD DSN=MAN(ADAM)
//FEMALE DD DSN=MAN(EVE)
//SYSABEND DD DSN=ETERNAL.HELL
//SYSIN DD *
ALL THE DATASETS NOW EXIST. LET MAN TEND THE CONSOLE
AND REPLENISH THE LINE PRINTER AND KEEP HIS MITTS OUT
OF THE MICROCODE!
/*
//DAYSEVEN EXEC PGM=ENTROPHY,COND=((IT IS GOOD,DAYSIX),ONLY)
//TIME DD DSN=ETERNITY
//SYSIND DD *
NOW LET THE SYSTEM RUN, THE PANEL LIGHTS TWINKLE, AND THE DISKS
FILL WITH DATA!
/*
//

Creation Science


One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed G-d. So they picked one
scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.


The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."


G-d listened very patiently to the man. After the scientist was done
talking, G-d said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But G-d added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem"
and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.


G-d looked at him and said, "No, no -- you go get your own dirt."

The Creation of Woman

Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and
so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual
historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's
ribs.

Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries, last week,
at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea,
archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date
Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's
beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible

"... and G-d created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her
young. And G-d spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit,
but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there
anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I
do not need but two breasts."

And G-d said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."

There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and
Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.

And so it was, G-d created Man."

Cyber-Bris



Q: What do you call Internet communications sent by one who performs
circumcisions?


A: E-moil

A Darkened Theater

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

Several men stood up as the lights came on.

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good,
are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a
nice, Jewish girl?"

Dating Criteria

A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings
him into the living room to meet her parents.

"Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We'll be home early," she says.

Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his
name that he is a Gentile.

When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately,
"Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?

"No Mom, he's not." replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle
is about to begin.

Momentary silence from the mom.

"Well - is he Pre-Med?"

The Catch

by Anne Silver



"He's into dog s--t," I told Maggie when she asks what my latest date does
for a living.

"Cool."

"Not only that, but Bart has his own airplane so he can go all around the
country selling his pooper scooper. He is the King,"

Typical Jewish date for me, he told me how generous he is but gave
nothing to me while he took everything he could get his hands on, including my
body. He even pretended to be obsessed with my poetry. He was a salesman,
and he told me that he always likes to maneuver his customers by learning
all he can about them while giving them no information about himself. And
I was one dumb customer myself. I did noticed he didn't talk about himself
unless it was to complain about his ex wife not enjoying life like he does,
or that his father stupidly threw his life away by taking care of his
mother when she got sick, or repeatedly telling me his net worth, because I
was too busy being flattered by his attention. And then he disappeared
saying he needed space.

"You know how to select 'em, Miss Anne," my friend says.

"When are you going to fix my picker? You're a shrink, for God's sake.
Help me, Maggie."

Since Maggie is single, she doesn't have any answers either, except she
knows when to come in out of the courtship storm. She had the brains to
get religion and be orthodox, so if she does happen to meet a nice Jewish
guy, at least she'll know he's trying to live a righteous life.

The last guy I dated for a blink, Barry, hosts venting events. He
holds a microphone while standing in the middle of a coffee house while people
puke their complaints against men, traffic, men, Clinton, men, into the air.
He runs around like a stumpy Donahue trying to get everyone to get out their
frustrations, which makes them more and more angry. I told him all the
psychology studies, and all the Buddhist teachers say that anger begets anger.
But Barry says he is spiritual. He knows the score. In fact, he is so
developed and in tune with the cosmos, he refused to thank me for arranging
a dinner at a posh restaurant and getting him a present on his birthday.
Refused!

The guy before him was Don the cartoonist who took $800 from me to
illustrate a book but wouldn't give me the pictures or pay the money back.
Then he complained that I gave him the opportunity to rob me and ruin his
character.

I ask myself, which one is Moe, Larry or Curly and then I realize
I'm the stooge. And I beg Maggie to take and shred my dating card. Really.
I wonder why I would want to keep dating when it's always the same guy.

I suppose I am an optimist. My mother, may she rest in peace, used
to tell me a pessimist is never disappointed. But she was a pessimist, and
she was always disappointed. At least I have intermittent rays of hope.
For instance, just today a guy held the door open for me. And the other
day, I went on a date where the guy actually paid for my dinner. He did
ask to be reimbursed when I told him I wasn't going to go to bed with him.
But for a moment I was happy.

I think my dating life was cursed from the start, because I lied to
my mother. When I was 14, I asked if I could go out with Melvin Honowitz to
see the Association at the Ice House in Pasadena. He was in AZA and I was
a BBG. She said I was too young. I told her she shouldn't have let me
skip a grade if I couldn't be allowed to do what girls in my grade got to
do. I omitted the fact that they weren't allowed to date. Mel is actually
the only nice Jewish guy I ever went out with. I should have quit while I
was ahead, instead of thinking I would meet another one like him.

Maybe I have been dating too long. Or I should have dated non-Jewish
men. But my mother wanted me to marry a Jew. I didn't ever tell her that
with Jewish men, I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, verbally abused,
publically humiliated, beaten up, raped and robbed. And I swear on my
mother's dust, I have not deserved any of it.

Each and every Jewish guy I have dated have expected me to be their
audience, demanded to be served, massaged, held and comforted without
giving one of those things in return, which is how my mother described my
late father. I don't know how she could say that. H hugged me a couple of
times.

If a woman knew what I have experienced with the Jewish men I have
met and dated, she would have to be out of her mind to want to date one.
When I see "Mad About You", I think, poor woman. Poor, poor blond woman.
You have no idea what's going to happen when you ask for something in return
for all the kindness you will show this man. And I also say, you can have him.

But to be honest, I hear the same complaints from my Christian
girlfriends. I've dated a couple of them and my worse complaint was that
one drank too much. Well, a couple of them did.

I've been praying lately, trying to get G-d's ear so I can ask him,
please, take away this rage before I explode and take out the whole
Westside. But I think the loudest complainers, blamers and takers got His
audience first. They are more practiced at getting attention with those
tactics. Maybe I should go to Barry's venting event. And maybe I won't.
After God blessed me by giving me myself. After all, I could have been
born one of these guys I've learned to despise.

When I was young, I used to dream that I'd have a Jewish home when I
grew up. That I'd light the Sabbath candles and have a lovely table set for
my family. But the only Jewish guys I know who would appreciate such a
peaceful life are either very gay, or those who have been my friends for a
long time, or they are married and already have families.

I am seriously considering changing my religion, not to Islam or
Native Americanism. Jainism has always attracted my interest. I'll roam the
streets and dirt paths of India as naked as the girls in any of my
ex-boyfriends' vast porno libraries but not air-brushed. I'll put my hands
out as a plate for food when I am hungry. It won't be difficult. I'll just
pretend I'm one of the Jewish men I have dated. The only difference is that
I will nod a thank you.

Return From Abroad


A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and
surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the
Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing
her daughter.

Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what
you were doing."

Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without
telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my
new son-in-law."

The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother
sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a
feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads
and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on
both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....
I said RICH doctor!"

Davening Parrot


Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one
day wishing something wonderful would change his life when he passed
a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a
schlomazel...eh?"


Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."


Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
and said: "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"


Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"


In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his
years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told
him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally,
they both went to sleep.


Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying
his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when
Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and
hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot
wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and
taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for
the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and
teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time,
Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.


On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about
to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to
say, they made quite a sight when they rrived at the Shul, and Meyer
was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time,
swearing that the parrot could daven.


Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or
Hebrew, etc.


All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his
shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


Nothing.


"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on,
everybody's looking at you!"


Nothing.


After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.


"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught
you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring
you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"


"Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Kippur!"

"Collect Call to G-d, Please"

A man realized that he had to stop to daven Mincha,
as it was getting dark. So he stopped by a
telephone booth, picked up the reciever, and made it
look like he was talking on the phone,
while he was actually davvening.

When he finished, he closed the siddur, hung up the
phone, and walked out of the booth,
wondering why everyone was standing around, laughing.

He looked up, to discover a sign on the phone booth
saying: "OUT OF ORDER".

All In A Day's Work


Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying
"Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying
"Please help a poor Jew".

People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any
of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by,
gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you
change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any
money?" and walks away.

As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would
teach US business..."

Children of Noah


Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to
be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all,
they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill
because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed
before Noah and said "We is honored to join you in this here
boat" although they weren't really sure what a boat was. In
fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites
joking about "Noah's Folly", saying the wood wasn't any good
for chewing.

Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was
really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded.
Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else,
water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the
ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with
all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet)
accounted for.

It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt.
Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt
and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber.
In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk
in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of
"eau de pew" into the chaos.

Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody
quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had
God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered
his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noah's frantic
prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.

In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of
rope and said, "Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle
securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me
that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink.
Will you help me?"

Deelya looked at Roosevelt. "What gift be dat?" she asked. "Only
things different 'bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is
getting a workout right about now."

But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher
calling, decided "If the Good Lord says it, it must be true."
So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk
stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could
manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.

Noah had life's major constraints in place, and had called all
the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered
mainly on God's providence and the necessity to begin repopulating
the earth.

Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a
little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come
forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their
free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future
anthill full of special noses.

As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud
"Y'know, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!"

Dear Sir


When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of
the World).

When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu"
(Our Father, Our King).

A Reform Jew addresses G-d as:
"Oh L-rd, Thou art One".

A Reconstructionist says:
"To whom it may concern".

Definition of a Jewish Joke


A joke that a Gentile won't get,
and
A joke that a Jew has heard and
knows how to tell it better.

Home, Sweet Home









A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked
his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be
buried in Jerusalem.


The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem,
put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in
some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He
called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to
the United States."


The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come?
You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in
Jerusalem!'


"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"

Differences


Q: What's the difference between a Goy, an Ashkenazi Jew, and a
Sephardic Jew?

A: The Goy has a mistress and wife and loves his mistress;
The
Ashkenazi Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his wife;

and the
Sephardic Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his mother.

The Difference Between Jewish and Italian Mothers


What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son
won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't
eat her cooking?



The Italian mother kills her son; the Jewish mother kills
herself.

Dinner?


A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul.

He asks his wife, "Nu, what's for dinner?"

She says "Yesterday we had chicken."

Disney Supports New Solution to Status of Jerusalem

Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked
by reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.

However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let
it slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
solution to the next, most difficult stage, in the implementation of
the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected
offer from the Disney corporation.

Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements will
have to be settled through direct negotiations between the involved
parties, the preliminary details are as follows:

The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length of
time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious theme
park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park will be
subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim Land," with
the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of Old Jerusalem's
present religious "quarters."

Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised, but
the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly enthusiastic
about the potential for a series of mechanical rides and roller
coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already produced outlines
of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on tracks, will retrace
the steps of the High Priest through the ancient Temple, culminating in
a special surprise in the Holy of Holies." A similar ride has been
devised for the Via Dolorosa, following the stations of the cross.

The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
"Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
Al-Aqsa mosque.

Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant about
confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this moment,
more than distant speculations.

When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem than
previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous contributions to a
number of yeshivahs and other religious institutions. "Many
ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the prospect that they can get
paid in dollars just for walking around in their traditional clothing.
In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis were generally less concerned with the
content of the park, which their own people would be unlikely to visit,
than with receiving assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the
inclusion of any "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney
representative did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods
might be included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).

Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose,
and proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined
monorail and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the
capital's traffic congestion.

A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan.
However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism
from fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.

"The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the Aladdin
fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their original
suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in the
Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
(possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California
Disneyland.

Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow for
the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.

The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course, the
security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in the
volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?

"No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this stage,
but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we refer to as
the `Temple Mounties'."

Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions. His
assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."

Canine Bar Mitzvah



There was once a man who wanted to make a bar mitzvah for his
dog. He decided that he would consult his Orthodox Rabbi and
seek his advice.

The Rabbi said "Are you crazy!!! a Bar Mitzvah for a dog."

The man replied, "Yes, Rabbi. He has been part of my family
for thirteen years"

The rabbi said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this for you"

The man continued and went along to a conservative rabbi and
the rabbi responded in the same way "I can't do a Bar Mitzvah
for a dog".

The man went ahead and asked his local Reform Rabbi if he
would do the Bar Mitzvah for him. The Rabbi said, "Listen,
we do a lot of crazy things around here but a Bar Mitzvah for
a dog is absurd"

The frustrated man responded, "Rabbi, I'll give you $18,000
to do this for me......Please..!!!" The Rabbi quickly shot
his head around and said "You never told me the dog was
Jewish"

A Dying Wish


An elderly Jew is on his deathbed and, much to his relatives'
surprise, calls for a priest. When the priest arrives, the man
declares, "I want to convert."

Confused, the priest asks, "Sir, why on earth would you want to become
a Catholic when you've lived all your life a Jew?"

"Better one of them should die than one of us!" the man snaps.

El Al Announcements


An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the
passengers hear:

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are
Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz.
Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."

The English Paper


To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the
class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science
fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the
professor was grading them and came across this paper:

There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Across the border
from Isaac, Abdul, an Arab border guard, had his post. One night,
Abdul crept over the border and killed Isaac.

When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous
night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a
raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.

This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli
reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and
Israelis were at war.

Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused,
reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in
red ink, and then moved on to the next paper.

The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as
he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached
and asked to speak with the professor.

I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.

"It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to
write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to
do with the assigned subject."

"I must disagree," said the student. . "I think that my paper
examined the very basis of Zion's Friction."

Everything's Coming Up Moses
(a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song)
By Alan Friedman

(Parady as Sung by Al Gore)

Who'd have guessed? Whoever knew?
Such commotion when I picked a Jew

Starting here, starting now,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses

Joe is wise, and he's deft,
So what if he reads right to left?
He's devout, Clinton's out,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses

There's an aura,
My campaign's energized,
Votes will pour-
Soon we can all dance the hora.
It's an exciting time,

At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve beef, axe the pork,
Now we'll carry New York, And I can take my Saturdays off, too,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses For me and for you!



(c) Southern Discomfort Productions. Used with Permission.

Exodus - In Computer Command Language

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

Set ISRAEL;mode=master

Pharaoh already running in master mode,
cannot change ISRAEL

Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

Command ignored

Load Moshe/Moses

Done

Deactivate Pharaoh

Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

For i=1 to 10 do plagues

Are you sure? Y

Done

Release ISRAEL

error: ISRAEL uninitialized

Set ISRAEL = 600,000

Done

Release ISRAEL

ISRAEL released

Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

Save ISRAEL

Specify save device

Save ISRAEL with miracle

Done

Move ISRAEL to Sinai

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine

Destroy calf

Done

For I=1 to 10 do commandments

Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

Move ISRAEL to desert

Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

Done

Build Mishkan

Syntax error

Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel

Done

Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

Warning: operand terms must be unique

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

Done

Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

Done

Happy Pesach/Passover

To you too

Exodus: On the Light Side
(from Lights in Action)



The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...



Previously on
"The Pentateuch (say what?)":

...And Jacob was buried in the Cave of Machpelah like unto his fathers, and
Joseph too grew so long of years as to be near death, and did die, and
furthermore did not live any longer...
...And so ended the Beginning.

And now begins part two of the five-part miniseries, "The Pentateuch (say
what?)":

...Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt:
Who, What, I Don't Know Who, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don't
Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot
and Costello routine and changed them to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah,
Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was
fine for the Lord, though "Issachar's on first?"-"No, Naphtali's on first;
Issachar's on second."-"Zebulun."-"Third base." did not make any sense unto
Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem...

...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing,
considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, did they become
ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with
them and in fact double-teeming, and well, there were really a whole lot of
them is the concept we're trying to get across here...

...And a new king arose upon Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph
for he had read not the history books nor the Bible and did believe that it
was all just so much revisionist camel dung. And the Pharaoh did see that
the Jews were waxing ridiculously large of number and did say to his
cabinet, "Forsooth, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our
enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from out our land." And his
ministers did look favorably upon his knowledge of Proverbs and did agree
with him. And did one of Pharaoh's lackeys further say, "Let us deal
craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic
stimulus plan," and Pharaoh quoth "Make it so," and did further quoth,
"Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it"...

...And the Israelites were forced to build the Pyramids and then to move
them around until they were in the right places and then to construct and
solve a giant Rubik's Triangle. And did they wail one unto the other, "Oy!"
But did the Children of Israel continue to multiply and did Pharaoh become
alarmed and fear that when they had ceased to multiply they would also
divide - and conquer. And so did Pharaoh add to their troubles and did
issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River.
And did the tabloids declare that this was because Pharaoh's horoscope had
told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born
at a certain time...



...But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole
in Pharaoh's decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation
device. And forsooth, she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did
place it upon the Nile. And the baby's sister did look upon him from afar.
And did the baby muse to himself as he floated: "Lo, lo, lo, my boat gently
down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily..." And did the daughter of
Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, overhear the infant and know that it
was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever come up with such an
atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt
the baby as her own and she did call his name Moses, saying, "For I drew
him out of the water and, er, well, it's a better name than basket"...

...And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and
did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Isralite
and was mightily ticked off. And after looking to make sure that there was
no overhead camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And
lo, when he went out the next day, two Isrealites strove together like unto
Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his
fellow, saying, "Why dost thou smite thy fellow?" And the Israelite did
reply, "My, my, aren't we feeling superior today, Mr.
let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?" And did Moses quoth, "Uh
oh," for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore to appear on Hard Copy
that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the
neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending
the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro...

...And it came to pass that the L-rd heard the cries of the Children of
Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
(see Genesis). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the desert in a
burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, "I am the L-rd, thy
G-d." And Moses spake, saying "What?" And the Lord spake, saying, "No,
What's on second. I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake saying, "Oh my
G-d." And G-d spake, saying, "Thou catchest on fast." And G-d did say
further, "I am the G-d of thy father, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,
and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and
unto a land flowing with milk and honey." And Moses said, "Gross," for
stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling
unto the feet...




...And did G-d quoth, "I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and
lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt land. Tell old
Pharaoh to let my People go." And did Moses reply, "Who, me? But I'm, uh,
that is, I don't, uh, I'm not really that great at, uh, public speaking,
see..." And the Lord said, "Go. Thy brother Aaron (Remeber him?) shall
speak in thy stead." And did the Lord give Moses miracles and wonders to
show in Egypt, such as how to win at three card monte...

...And Moses did go and did speak unto Pharaoh, saying, "Thus saith the
Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me." And Pharaoh quoth,
"Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!" And Moses did perform there the
miracles that G-d had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was unimpressed, for his
own magicians could win at three card monte (though he could not). And did
the Pharaoh quoth, "Get this joker out of here," and did order that the
Israelites' toil be made harder...

...And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free
the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance
and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and
there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and
turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh cammanded his magicians to do the
same, whereupon Moses' snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp,
and turn back into a staff. But the Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was
by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger
than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staffs...

...And lo, now did the Lord really get cooking. And it came to pass that
the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses
bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his
chief of staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish
did expire not unlike those of Boston Harbour. And lo, all the water in all
the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the
wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of
the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth,
"Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!"...




...And Pharaoh's heart was
hardened for he was a moron, and Moses caused frogs to overrun the land and
to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians did
in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs
(which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh's court did not require much
in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to
remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when
they had removed the frogs - who, in the manner of their kind, did croak -
Pharaoh's heart was hardened once again...

...And Moses brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians
tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the
magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, "This is the
finger of G-d!" And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate
being given the finger, and his heart remained hard...

..And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and
boils and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, and Pharaoh still did not
heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews
for... they were the Jews...

...And Moses brought darkness unto the land, darkness so dark that man
could not see his fellow man and there was much bumping into one another
until even this was stopped due to it being so dark. And the darkness was
black, even blacker than Spinal Tapp's "Smell the Glove" jacket...

...And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness
and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to the
palace. And the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, "Tell the People to take a
lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it and eat
of the meat and smear the blood on their doors. On this night I shall slay
the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites shall
I pass over." And did Moses quoth, "Hey, what a great name for a holiday!"
And the Lord did sayeth, "What, Passover?" And Moses quoth, "Uh, actually I
was thinking of Bloody Door Day, but Passover does have a nice ring to it"...

...And the Israelites did as Moses bid them. And the Lord quoth, "This
shall be a holiday for generations: all leavened bread - and all food.

Extremely Reform Craft Project
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew




During the week encourage young children to work on a Jewish craft or
project to present on the Sabbath.

Make Your Own Yarmulke (An Extremely Reform Craft Project)
Step 1. Find an old Mickey Mouse hat.
Step 2. Tear off the ears.


* Note: In general, Nintendo is not considered a 'Jewish Craft.'

Reform Rules


from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader




The mezuzah: Even if you have no idea what it is, by all means
affirm the Extremely Reform Jewishness of your home by
owning religious artifacts that you find puzzling. Each member
of the household, each time they pass it, should touch it gently
with their fingertips and then kiss their fingertips, until everyone
in the household has the same flu symptoms.

Jewish Dietary Laws are not to be confused with Jewish Laws
of Dieting, though both involve widespread rationalizing and
cheating. Making food kosher involves removing unwanted
impurities, such as flavor. This process is described in greater
detail in the Jewish bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to
Good Cuts of Meat.

Extremely Reform Synagogue Survival Skills
from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader



Survival Tip Number 6: No, You Don't Have to Know Hebrew

(Showing Up For Services Is Sufficiently Amazing.) A question commonly
asked by Extremely Reform Jews is, "Must I pray in Hebrew?" No, and wipe
that look of terror off your face. Fluency in Hebrew, of course, is
vital to the proper understanding of Israeli truck driver insults.
On the other hand, a famous Hungarian Rabbi used to conduct his prayer
services entirely in Hungarian. This does not mean you have to learn
either Hebrew or Hungarian. It simply means that you can pray in any
language you can actually speak. . . .



Basic Extremely Reform Hebrew

"Shabbat Shalom!" --
"Good Sabbath!"

"Ha Goldfarberim kanu yachta." --
"The Goldfarbs bought a yacht."

"Hi hishmina me'az hashana she'avra." --
"She's gotten heavier since last year."

"Ani hoshez she'ani mikabel hatkafat podagra." --
"I think I'm having a gout attack."