Top Ten Jewish Books Not Yet Published
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List
10.
Talmud - Tractate Chulent
9.
Tire Changing the Jewish Way
8.
100 Synagogue Shmooze Topics
7.
The Tenth Man - Finding the Best Minyanaires
6.
The Art of Kvetching
5.
The Rolling Stone Chumash
4.
The Y'dei Esav Siddur (Take off on "Kol Ya'akov" Siddur)
3.
The Cone Head's Yarmulke Book
2.
Elijah's Problem Stumpers
1.
Kabbalah for Dummies
Comments
Top Ten Reasons To Become an Orthodox Jew
from the
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List
10. You will become an instant topic of conversation
and amusement amongst all former friends
9. You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade
pork rinds
8. Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will
strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology,
philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while
their accomplice steals your wallet)
7. You will never have to decide between chicken and beef
on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no
difference between them anyway)
6. You will become a close friend and confidant of all
the staff at Food City Kosher Department
5. You will have the privilege of donating half your
income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)
4. You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes
3. You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole,
Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes
upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza),
pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye
(with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)
2. Men - your bald spot will always be covered
Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even
have to be on your head
1. For one entire day every week you cannot be reached
by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail
Comments
Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers
Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's
been! (Judges 14:5-8)
David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go
practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for
supper!
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you
smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!
Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)
James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
Comments
Translations
The Israeli Ambassador to Sweden was talking to the head of the
government at a party. The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so
violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not
Kill".
The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou
Shall Not Murder'."
The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill".
Ambassador: "No, it definately says murder."
Swede: "Maybe you have a poor translation."
Comments
The Ten Suggestions
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the
desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but
just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he
delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods
besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the
express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is
the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy
G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.
Comments
Top Ten Ways The White House Will Change With Lieberman as V.P.
Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift
Gore
in
Chair and Dance Around.
U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to
actually start working Monday - Friday.
Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie Delhi.
Comments
Minyan Plus
I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for
a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned
that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.
When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."
The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the
room and go to the bathroom!"
Comments
Top 12 New Commandments
Anyone who says Thou Shalt Not one more time gets whacked
Thou shalt continue to read the second part of the Passover
Haggadah after the Seder meal
Ladies' wigs count as hair
Thou shalt have no other gods before breakfast
For the last time, circumcision stays
Thou shalt not colorize Hollywood movies
Endives are acceptable Lulav substitutes
Due to illness, the role of the prophet Elijah in Kings II 15-21
will be played by Ed Asner
To prevent further embarrassment, the name Oral Tradition will be
replaced by Spoken Tradition
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mac
Thou shalt not begin thy jokes with "A priest, a minister and a
rabbi," so that your days will be lengthened on G-d's
earth
It's Hanukkah - not Chanooca, not Chanucca - Hanukkah, always and
everywhere, got it?
Comments
The Top 13 Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal
Arafat must return all $7.6 million of misrouted royalties
intended for Ringo Starr.
In exchange for West Bank, Palestinians must take Fran Drescher
Death threats on authors of those infuriating "Magic Eye" books lifted.
Jewish Homeland relocated to South Florida.
Straight-up trade, Jackie Mason for Casey Kasem.
Israel must make cable space available for new variety show, "Shiite
Tonight!"
Everyone in Israel to get a personally autographed "Chia
Yasser."
No more jokes about the five o'clock shadow on Arafat's mom.
In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at
the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down.
Less rocks, more talk!!
Circumcised Palestinians free to roam Jerusalem.
Center Square: Whoopi's out, Yasser's in.
and Top5's Number 1 Term of the New Mideast Peace Deal...
Main objective in Palestinian charter changed from
"destruction of Israel" to "World Cup champs by 2014."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Comments
The Top 13 Jewish Country & Western Songs
13> Achy Breaky Hip
12> I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
Notch in My Belt)
11> Take This, "Job," and Shove It
10> I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
9> Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
8> All My Exes Made an Exodus
7> The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
6> This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!
5> Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
4> My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
3> I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
2> Homeland on the Range
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...
1> Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com> ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Comments
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Fillet minyan.
Comments
First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean
Hello, nice to see you all again.
As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions?
No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.
Right, let's split you up then.
Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
Off we go...
Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.
Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.
The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.
Sodomites, over there against the wall.
Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
charlies.
Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.
Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.
Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
thing.
Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.
Comments
20th Century Extremely Reform Judaism
by David Bader
From How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
20th Century Milestones in American Extremely Reform Judaism:
1907 First Extremely Reform Jew in Hollywood changes
name for show-biz reasons
1915 First E.R.J. in New York joins the Mafia
1974 First E.R.J. in a trailer park tells The National
Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens
Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?"
Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might
not be tax deductible.
Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations:
The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America
(No camping required)
The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League
(Deals with very mild ethnic slurs)
The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:
This Extremely
Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides
that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and
opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness
for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to
eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital,
you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.
Comments
Top 10 Jewish Songs (but for you, we'll make it 37!)
37] Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond
36] Happiness Is a Warm Bagel
35] Rocky Racoon's Bris
34] Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band
33] With a Little Help from My Cantor
32] Ask Me Why [This Night Is Different from Other Nights]
31] Magical Minyan Tour
30] Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale]
29] Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter
28] I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge
27] I Want to Hold Your Brisket
26] The Long and Winding Services
25] I'm a Loser at Mah-jong
24] Run for Your Life Already
23] She's Leaving Home Sholom
22] Lady the Yenta
21] Luzzamoff {Let it Be}
20] Baby You're a Rich Man [Come and Meet My Daughter]
19] Maybe I'm Aggravated
18] Short Fat Solly
17] When I'm Four Times Chai
16] You Never Give Me Your Discounts
15] Jealous Goy
14] Instant Torah
13] Back in the Shtetl
12] Baby Won't You Light My Menorah
11] You Never Give Me Your Money
10] The Ballad of John, Yoko and Schlomo
9] Give Pesach a Chance
8] Maxwell's Silver Mezuzzah
7] Shekel Lane
6] Do You Want to Know a Secret [I Eat Ham]
5] All You Need Is Gelt
4] Fixing a Hole [No Way, Call Somebody]
3] Why Don't We Do it in the Shul
2] Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and the Rabbi
1] Hey Jules
Comments
Three Generals
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics,
an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach
espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors,
and General Dynamics.
Comments
Three Chairs For the Reform
The Orthodox Rav met three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers began they show up. All the sets are filled.
Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav?"
The Rav repeated his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the minister.
Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give Three cheers for my Reform Friends in the back!'"
Comments
One Day in the Desert
Three men were walking through the desert.
The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty,
I must have wine!"
The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty,
I must have wine!"
The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have ... Diabetes!"
Comments
Exodus of the 3 Stooges
Chapter 1
Israel Multiplies.
Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews
1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.
2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and
became exceedingly mighty.
3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
Nile.
4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, "This
is one of the Hebrews' children."
5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.
6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren
and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting
wih each other, and he said to them "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the
both of yah!"
7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't
scare me!" And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"
8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
several yards by it.
9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
laughed mightily. And Moses smote
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.
11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend
12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.
13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
and Econquered.
14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and
Midian-well.
Chapter 2
The Boining Bush
1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold
their services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.
2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for
him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.
3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"
And he chased them into the field.
4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire
from the midst of a bush.
5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"
6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame- brain!" and smote him on the
head.
7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord
saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, "Hey,
Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!"
8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"
9 And the Lord said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from
your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground."
10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!"
11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.
12 And the Lord said, "I have seen the oppression of my people by the
Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I
will send ... you!"
13 And they were unsure as to who "you" was.
14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
who saw he had no one to to look at - trembled and clicked his teeth
loudly.
15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do You mean?"
16 And the Lord said, "You!"
17 And Moses said, "I?"
18 And Larry said, "Aye!"
19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!" and the three Hebrews began saluting
each other vigorously.
20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!" and they did, and He continued,
"Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them,
`The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt
and into the land of Canaan - a land overflowing with sweets!'"
21 And Curly said, "Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And Moses
smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on
the head.
Chapter 3
Hebrews given powers.
1 And Larry said, "What if they don't listen to us, or vicey-versey?"
2 And the Lord said, "They will. Now, hold out your left hand,"
3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one is my left hand?" And Curly
said, "That one." And Larry said, "So how do I know which one is my
right hand?" and Curly said, "Why, that's easy! The one that's left!
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"
4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.
5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand?"
6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why, nothin'."
7 And the Lord said, "Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!"
8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked and said, "Why a staff!" And the
Lord said, "Throw it on the ground." And Larry threw it on the ground
and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.
9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn't!"
10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head
with the staff.
11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
dropped it and it slithered up Curly's robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo
woo woo woo woo!" And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly
in a circle.
12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to
the ground.
13 And the Lord said, "This wonder shall help you convince the sons of
Israel of the word of the Lord."
14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We
ain't never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it's
ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!"
15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, "Who made man's mouth? Who
makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said,
"Who makes him dumb?
16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"
17 And they saw His anger and they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!" And they
bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.
18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and perform this wonder before the
sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, 'Let my people go, so
they may soive - I mean serve - Me!"
19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of
Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up
Curly's robe, and he danced wildly.
20 And the people believed.
Chapter 4
"Let my people go!"
1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his
court.
2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, "First, shouldn't we
pay homage?" And Curly said, "I don't know. Homage should we pay?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"
3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion
with his hand.
4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, "We got this here
message from the Lord," and they put their fists to their mouths and
made a trumpet sound. And then they sang
"Roses is red,
Violets is yellow;
Now let My people go!
Like a Pharaoh and a
decent phellow."
5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and
snapped their fingers.
6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, "Who is the Lord that I should
obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!"
7 And Moses said, "Wise guy, eh?"
8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he
slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his
fingers, and he approached her, saying, "Rough! Rough! Rough!"
9 And then he said, "How you doin', Toots? Tell me, are you married
or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And then he offered to make her a drink,
and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.
10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, "It seems
the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on,
they will no longer have any straw to make bricks - let them gather it
themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!"
11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid
sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped
his eyes, and said, "Guards! Seize them!"
12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the
fields.
13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered
stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they
smote them on their heads.
Comments
Five Great Yiddish Insults
May you grow like an onion,with your head in the ground.
May your bones be broken as often as the ten commandments.
May you have a son named after you soon.
May the souls of all of king solomon's mother's in law inhabit you.
May G-d mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the
curses you wished on him.
Comments
Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline
Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:
Hebrew == English
Mee == who
Hu == he
Hee == she
Ma == what
Dag == fish
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C : me, me, me!
A : Hu, hu, hu!
C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A : No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
when I said it, and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C : And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Comments
Abraham's Computer
One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.
Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."
Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."
Comments
Are You Okay, Abe
Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet
conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their
business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"
Comments
Religious Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you
completely. This must be a sign from G-d."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The
priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think
I'll wait for the police."
Comments
From Dust to Dust
by Nicholas Biel
On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you
see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me,
me expecting nothing neither.
On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image
too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.
Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd
been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days,
what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes
and makes me into Man.
He could see right away from the expression on my face I
didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in
this garden only I don't butter.
He brings me all the animals I should give them names What
do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything
you want," so I make names up: lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe.
Crazy, but that's what he wants.
I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go
to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting
by a pool of water admiring herself.
"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased
to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.
Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now
rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day
I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.
Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in
the water.
Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there
were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite,
the snake took a bite and quick like a flash, out of the
garden.
Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he
doesn't want anbody eating his apples, that's his business.
What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.
I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me
nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy
little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from
Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for
Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong,
who's to blame?...Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my
kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient,"
Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his
idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."
But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In
six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run
smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a
thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you
wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."
But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.
Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's
careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite
no apple.
All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the
same, he should have known better, or at least he could have
blown on other dust.
Comments
Marrying into a Jewish Family
Disadvantage - Your Christmas tree decorations will gather dust in
their boxes.
Advantage - You won't have to vacuum up dry pine needles and clog
the vacuum cleaner.
Disadvantage - You'll need to keep a straight face when someone
orders a Virgin Margarita.
Advantage - Your spouse won't die of cirrhosis.
Disadvantage - You'll have to sell your archery set.
Advantage - You won't shoot an arrow into your neighbor's cat (or
is that a disadvantage?).
Disadvantage - You'll never have a family member who can fix your
car.
Advantage - You won't have to look at tatoos.
Disadvantage - No one in the family will have 5 beers with you when
the Yankees win the pennant.
Advantage - There will always be plenty of sweaters in the house.
Disadvantage - Used clothing stores will not be the first choice when
seeking birthday presents for your nephews or nieces.
Advantage - No one will give your son or daughter an ant farm.
Disadvantage - Heavy cream will be a thing of the past.
Advantage - You won't have to specify "diet" when you ask for a
soda in a family member's house.
Disadvantage - You won't have to color Easter eggs.
Advantage - After awhile, you will learn how to pronounce "Challah"
without anyone laughing at you.
Comments
Congregation Agudath Israel of Monsey
To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
behavior and fines for violations:
BEHAVIOR ------------------------------------ FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha -------------------------- $36
Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------- 54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur --------------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72
Comments
Air Raid Priorities
The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs
toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not
followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"
"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're
dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"
Comments
Alligators
Q. Why aren't you allowed to handle alligators on Shabbat?
A. Because they're muktseh me-hamat gader
Comments
American Tourist
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to
the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will
surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab
in Ireland."
Comments
It's All Relative
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus
and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses
at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
Comments
Ambitious Quote
"My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
- Herbert Zipper
(from Two
Jews, Three Opinions : A Collection of Twentieth-Century American
Jewish Quotations, page 197)
Comments
Another Flood
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
in three days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
"We have three days to learn how to live under water."
Comments
Another Look At The Ten Commandments
I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:
I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
and, hence, right out.
You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.
Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.
You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.
You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
bugs offa Me!
Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).
Go ahead and covet.
Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.
Comments
Anyone Up There?
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and
again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the L-rd"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
Comments
Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
by Ben K and Daniel Lewkovitz
Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
localizable religion module for their system software. Previous versions
of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support localizable
geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple spokesman, but
no operating system has yet been able to add customisable support for
religion and culture. The module is to modify the system software to
interact with the user's ethnicity as closely as possible, so as to
maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise potential embarrassing
conflicts and to increase its overall intuitiveness and functionality. The
first Religion/Organisation Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to
be released will support the liberal Jewish religion. Others are
expected to follow in the near future.
While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
some weeks from today, several developers have given inside information on
the beta versions of the software, developed under the codename "Tsures".
Some of the more obvious and useful features are said to include:
* The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement
times of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for
prayer;
* The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as
well as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the
figure is for buying or selling;
* The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time,
which is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system
time;
* Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
"Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of
words has been added to the speech recognition software. A new
output voice termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems
with the physical damage it caused some sound output hardware
could not be overcome in time and it will be released in a later
update to the system.
Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with
the Jewish faith include:
* The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;
* The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";
* The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a
yarmulke and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So?
Why has it taken so long to see me again?";
* Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";
* Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes,
the Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will
just sit here frozen...";
* Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";
* The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
error-correction;
* Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI
and PCI buses.
Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to take
advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec and other
anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk scan utilities
to include the ability to scan your system and peripherals in El-Al mode,
which picks up guns, bombs and knives, while un-erase utilities now
display useful information such as "See? I TOLD you a million times...
if you don't back up..."
However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so that
it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will never be
able to find anything again. He also reported unusual messages in
"Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed stuck on the same
thing every day. Another noted that his network probes showed that
AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with short messages being
exchanged between a few selected nearby machines for long periods of time.
Also, machines, and especially older machines, often appeared to send
messages repeatedly just to themselves.
Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by the
hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it near
me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time assuring me
that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to kiss." This
does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as some users
reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill" program developed in
parallel for US users.
Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called "Moses".
Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access any address
inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying images on the
screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim to have caught it
in the act of gathering information about the user's occupation and
forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers to a
shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".
Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from them,
started making strange incantations and caused their memory chips to burst
into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages about giving burnt
RAM offerings to the Lord.
While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism is
reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates.
Comments
Look After the Jews
An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him.
When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave.
When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews".
The son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more
important to say to me at this moment?"
The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for,
it will be our turn."
Comments
Army Boy
Meek and mild-mannered Sammy Ginsberg reported for basic training and the
sergeant immediately complained to his captain. "This guy will never be
a soldier. Just look at him!"
The captain responded, "Is it because he's Jewish? Let's get rid of
those stereotypes. Most of the Jewish guys who come through here do just
fine, and look at the Israeli army. They're the best!"
"OK, OK, sir ", said the sergeant, backing off. " We'll give him a fair
chance."
Sammy did quite well, following instructions, not making trouble, and
learning all the military skills the training required. In fact, being
good at science and math, he earned the highest score on the rifle range
by carefully making all the delicate sighting adjustments called for to
compensate for distance, wind, elevation, and so forth. Even the farm
boys, who had been firing guns most of their lives, were impressed by his
skill. Sammy did will on long hikes, too, having developed strong legs
from having to walk long distances to and from shul on each Sabbath and
on the holidays.
"Didn't I tell you?", said the captain, and the sergeant nodded his
agreement.
A small war broke out, and the unit was hurriedly transferred out to the
field to replace another unit. The sergeant led his platoon into battle,
shouting encouragement to all the scared young soldiers. They marched up
a hill, and ther on the other side was the enemy. A fierce struggle
broke out, bullets flying, shells exploding , smoke and pandemonium
everywhere. Then the sergeant noticed that Sammy was not firing his
rifle. "Shoot, Sammy," he yelled. "What's your problem? Start shooting!"
Sammy looked up unhappily. "but Sarge," he said, "there are PEOPLE out
there!"
Comments
As I Was Saying ...
by Leon Schwarzbaum
As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
put into work camps.
As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.
As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.
As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.
As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
asked,"Jeb who?"
As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.
As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.
As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.
Comments
Ask the Rabbi
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered
as if you are wearing the plane.
Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been
stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?
Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an
old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.
Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.
Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your
health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.
Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money
on Chol HaMoed.
Comments
The Atheist and the Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my G-d! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on G-d, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Comments
Noah Sermon
Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested
but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided
to come back to the faith of his fathers.
One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd
been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He
heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the
question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all
life in the world.
The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was
sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out
of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the
flood victims."
Comments
Kosher Bagel Seeds
The following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing
Cheerios.
WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.
WHEN TO PLANT
Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed
and pumpernickel grow well in summer.
CARE OF PLANTS
Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the
middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for
irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least
four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not
develop properly! Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!
NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to
become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .
While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by
sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a
professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers
will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even
if it does hasten the growth. However those who like egg bagels have
had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.
TO EAT
Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and
cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already
topped). Use when ripe. . While day-old bagels may be toasted and
eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for
missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!
GUARANTEE
If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A
BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.
Comments
The Ballad of Doivd Chochett
To the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"
by Mickey Katz
NOTE FROM LORI: This was sent to me from a visitor to this page,
who couldn't remember it in its entirety. His notes are
in italics. If you know the rest of the song, please email
it to me at
sunybgrad@yahoo.com
Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat
Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
Flecked him a chicken when he was only three
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
??? redskins all over the shteitle,
He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street
He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
(he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
(he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
He's back on Delancy Street.
Comments
Bar Mitzvah Definition
A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization
that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play
for one.
Comments
Bar Mitzvah Extravagance
The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with
beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot
and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing
forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.
Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the
situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil
rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so
worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must
or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.
As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess
greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized
sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked,
"And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"
This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping
with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal
it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"
"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
works only in halvah!"
Comments
The Bar Mitzvah Gift
There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack
of preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your
life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn,
and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I
present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST
I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
Comments
The High-Tech Bar Mitzvah Gift
from Bubbe's Porch
20 June 1999
I just got back from Zachary Paul-Brock's bar mitzvah. I've known
him since he was 2 days old. Did I kvell! Such wisdom comes out of
his mouth. And poise. Oy, was he poised.
So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.
I'm thinking I want to get him something that will last a little
longer, maybe have a little more personal meaning.
Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.
A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with
that? That's not a good gift. Get him a fountain pen, or an id
bracelet."
So what do you think happens? I tell him, "I got you the ram you
asked for, only it's not made out of silicon chips." Wise yes.
But still a little gullible. So, he's looking at this big box I
hand him, shaking it, no noise, "what kind of ram could this be?"
he asks as his voice cracks on the "be."
But before I can continue my joke, he shreds the wrapping paper,
rips open the box, and puts the shofar to his lips. First time,
he just blows spit all over the place. Next, he takes a big
breath, and lets out a deep, long, resonant shofar blast that
probably woke the neighbors or the dead or somebody.
He puts the shofar up to his nose and takes a big whiff and then
gags. "Now, I get it. The shofar is made from a ram's horn. That
is sooooo cool. I'm gonna hand this to my dad and ask him to
install my new ram in my computer"
You can trust Bubbe. She knows from gifts.
Comments
Bar Mizvah Reception
Herman Greenbaum had suddenly come into a large sum of money when
his small manufacturing company was acquired by a multi-national
conglomerate. This was fortunate, as Herman's son, Izzy, had just
turned 13 and it was time to plan the Bar Mitzvah.
In keeping with his new station in life, Herman calls up the
fanciest catering company on Long Island and asks for their "free
party planning consultation."
The caterer arrives at Herman's palatial new house and beings to
describe a number of possible options. With each suggestion, Herman
shrugs and asks, "But can't you come up with something more
unusual for my little Isadore?"
"Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your
son really likes?"
Herman thinks for a minute and then responds, "Well, he likes animals.
We got him a cocky spaniel and he really love to play with the dog."
"Aha," say the caterer. "I think I have just the thing!" And, with
the authority of a craftsman who truly knows his trade, the caterer
describes his proposal:
"On the eve of the Bar Mitzvah, we will rent an entire floor
at the Plaza in New York to accommodate all of the guests. We
will take them to the synagog by limosine and then return to
the Plaza for an elegant seven course formal dinner.
"Following the dinner, when they return to their rooms, they
will each find a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne and fresh
cut flowers in a sourvenir Steuben crystal vase etched with
a likeness of your son and the date of the Bar Mitzvah.
"The next morning, the limosines will line up in front of the
Plaza and, with an official police escort, will take everyone to
JFK airport where we will have chartered two Concordes to fly the
Bar Mitzvah boy and the entire Bar Mitzvah party to Israel.
"There in the old city of Jerusalem, your rabbi will lead the boy
through his Torah and Haftora portions.
"Following the ceremony, the guests will be chauffeured back to
the airport where they will board the waiting Corncordes for a
champagne reception as the planes break the sound barrier in
close formation.
"The planes will then land in Nairobi where the guests will be
met by an entourage of elephants who will carry them on a safari
throught the great Serengeti preserve while three acclaimed
photographers from the National Geographic snap pictures of your
son and the guests with the exotic wildlife as a cherished momentos
of the occassion."
Herman is duly impressed and agrees that this will be a truly fine
celebration for little Izzy.
Come the night before the Bar Mitzvah, everyone arrives at the Plaza.
The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests
to the synagog. The dinner is more spectactular than even Herman
imagined. Everyone is delighted with their accommodations. The next
morning, the trip to JFK airport is led by a police escort with small
Israeli flags fluttering from the back of the police motorcycles.
The trip to Israel on the Concordes is perfect. Little Izzy gets to
read his Torah and Haftora portions with barely an error. The guests
enjoy the champagne reception at the speed of sound and are delighted
when they see the elephants lined up at the Nairobi airport.
Off they head into the Serengeti nature preserve while the National
Geographic photographers snap photographs of little Izzy and the
guests.
But soon the entourage comes to a complete stop in the middle of the
grasslands. The procession does not move. Ten minutes go by. Then
twenty. Then an hour. The sun is hot and the guests are becoming
restless. Finally, Herman grows concerned enough to instruct the
handler of his elephant to have the elephant kneel down so that Herman
can get off and find out what's happening.
Herman walks up the line of elephants, reassuring the guests. As he
nears the front of the safari, he meets the caterer who is coming in
the opposite direction.
"What's going on??" asks Herman, his voice quivering with dismay.
"Now, now, Mr. Greenbaum," replies the caterer, reassuringly. "You
will just have to be patient. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of
us."
Comments
A Lunar Bar Mitzvah
A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. The
African safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often (that's from another
joke, by the way), so the father arranged to rent the space shuttle from
NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of
attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters
asked, "How was the service?"
Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
Comments
Billy Crystal's Response to the Orthodox Rabbis
Credited to Billy Crystal at last year's Oscars (March 1997)-
Upon learning that a group of Orthodox rabbi's are questioning his
Judiasm, Billy quips "You mean, I now have to buy retail!!??"
Comments
The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album
Can`t Buy me Guilt
Roll Over Maimonides
We Can Kvetch it Out
I Am the Bibi
Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
Lucy In The Shul With Derma
Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah
Too
Can't Buy Me Kishka
This Goy
Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band
All You Need Is Lev
The Shul on the Hill
Your Mother Should Only Know
If I Kvell
Comments
Informal US-Israeli-Palestinian Talks
As heard on NPR:
During the recent summit, Clinton wanted to make the the meeting
friendly and informal. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu
that they would be calling others by first names. He started by
introducing himself...My name is Bill, and yours is... BeBe replied the
President of Israel. Then Bill said let me introduce you to Arafat.
Cinton then said "Yassir... thats my BEBE!!" :)
Comments
Ben-Gurion's Tie
David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli
fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim
Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.
"David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all
the foreign guests who are here."
Ben-Gurion replies, "But Winston Churchill gave me his permission."
"What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!"
says Weizmann.
Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill
said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in
London!'"
Comments
What Makes Someone a Jew?
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion
Comments
The Butler's Mistake
This Jewish couple won $20 million on the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.
They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton
and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London,
England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back
to the U.S.
The next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining
room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over
for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set
for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they
specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were
bringing the Bagels and the Biallys."
Comments
Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu
10. Yahu Netanbibi
9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
4. The Unabibi
3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
1. Snoop Bibi Bib
Comments
Bibi Light Bulb Joke
Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.
Comments
Bible in 40 Words
G-d made
Adam bit
None stayed
Noah built
Abraham split
Isaac fooled
Jacob loved
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Solomon judged
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
G-d remained.
Comments
Baseball in the Bible
Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:
In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
Eve stole first
Adam stole second
Gideon rattled the pitchers
Goliath was put out by David
Comments
Bibical Characters' Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Comments
Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version
And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.
And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
arose, and didst say:
Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
not another to help him up.
And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
the mighty fallen. And G-d saw the Egg fall.
And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:
I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?
When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
ariseth, and thus did say:
I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.
And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.
But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.
And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
for they knew not whether 'twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
had been in the beginning.
And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
together again.
When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
stilled.
Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
man has rent asunder, let no god join together.
For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
spirit before a fall.
Comments
Open The Bible And Point
There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his
wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't
know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in
ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor
little dog. PLEASE help me."
The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a
sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do."
So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic
and opened up to a page and pointed to a word.
A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog
walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You
changed my life!"
The Rabbi asked, "What did I do that helped so much?"
So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months
ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?"
"Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?"
So the man replied, "Chapter 11."
Comments
Bible Riddles
Q: What is G-d's favorite sport?
A: Baseball because the Torah begins (in English) In the big Inning.
Q: What sport did Moses play?
A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's
courts.
Q: How do we know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible?
A: "And Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."
Q: How do we know that Moses played football?
A: Moshe kibel et haTorah umasra liY'hoshua...etc. Obviously he was
playing football!
Q: How do we know that righteous people do not need a prayerbook on
the High Holy Days?
A: KI EYN MACHSOR LY'REYAV.
Q: How do we know that mashiach will have a beard?
A: AL TASHEV P'NEY M'SHICHEKHA.
Q: How do we know that Yosef was Moshe's mother?
Q: VA-YIKACH MOSHE ET ATZMOT YOSEF IMO. (Ex. 13:19)
Q: How do we know that Vashti was cloned?
A: GAM VASHTI HA-MALKAH ASTAH "MISHTEY" NASHIM. (Esther 1:9)
Q: Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: "Chap. I".
Q: Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: Bildad the Shuhite
Comments
Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Comments
Blessings vs. Curses
So here is the carefully crafted, classic Jewish curse, as
compared to the classic Jewish blessing:
Blessing:
"You should live a long life, make a good income,
and have naches from the children."
Curse:
"You should live a long life, have good naches, and
an income from the children."
Comments
Blues for Jews
by Benny Gourionne
(aka Stephen D. Gross)
We got Hebrews
They play da Blues
and den they sit a-
round an' Shmooze
Then they eat Latkes
It's like a hot kiss
that burns the heart
mmm-mm-mmm-mm
When Jascha Heifetz
plays the fiddle
it's jes' like I sits
in the middle
of two young chippies
from Mississippi
who sing the Blues
mmm-mm-mm-mmm
If Itzhaak Perlman
played blues with me
we'd get some girls, man
they'd make coffee
we'd pet their poodle
then eat their strudel
baked with the Blues
mm-mmm-mm-mm
Give me some quarters
fire up them jukes
Talmuddy Waters
plays the Five Books
he even says, Ma
that he plays Kelzmer
behind da Shul
mmm-mm-mm-mmm
We got shmaltz herring
and kishke too
Some fat back matzoh
and goulash stew
but stop your honkin'
about that Flanken
It still can't Moo
mm-mm-mmm-mm
Well Benny Goodman played clarinet
and sweet Al Jolson
he sure could sweat
Then Bo and Fats heard
how Mickey Katz purred
They're listenin' yet
mm-mmm-mm-mmm
We love Yom Kippur
dat's when we fast
then we feel chipper
we eat at last!
carry no money
but milk and honey
they chase the blues
Dem guys with hoods
they run at dawn
a big Menorah
burns on my lawn
they'd like to cook us
come kiss my tuchas
til'you turn blue
mm-mm-mmm-mm
Comments
Congregation Board Decision
The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in
the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.
"The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"
Comments
Suit Up, Boychik
It's Every Jewish Boy's Bad Dream:
Going With Mom to Shop For a Bar Mitzvah Outfit
by Suzanne C. Ryan,
As Appeared in "The Boston Globe", Wednesday, March 4, 1998
NEWTON (MA) - It's a weekday afternoon and 12-year-old Ben Lewis
would rather be anywhere else right now.
Standing in front of a mirror at the men's clothing store
Simon & Sons, Ben is dejectedly modeling for his mother the black
suit he'll wear to his bar mitzvah next month.
"Do you like the plain fabric?" prompts his mother, Sherri Lewis.
"Yea," Ben mumbles.
"Do you want to try on the pinstriped suit?" she asks. "No," he says.
"Do you care if it's poly-wool or regular wool?" she asks. Ben
shrugs nonchalantly.
At a time when baggy jeans and hooded sweat shirts are the norm,
it's not easy talking up a tailored business suit to a gum-popping
12-year-old. Just ask some of the Jewish mothers in the Boston
area who are scrambling to prepare their sons for their bar
mitzvahs, one of the most anticipated of childhood events.
"He didn't want to come," says Sherri Lewis. "I had to bribe him
and coax him. I said, 'The bar mitzvah is a few weeks away. We've
got to go.'"
Without question, the suit-buying event is a major part of the
tradition surrounding a Jewish boy's big day, a coming-of-age
religious ceremony in which 13-year-olds are called to read and
interpret the Torah, Judaism's sacred text, in front of their
congregation.
But for many boys, buying a suit is a new and traumatic experience.
For one thing, it's embarrassing and totally uncool to be seen in
a suit. The universal uniform to wear to a friend's bar mitzvah
is khaki pants and blue blazers. (It's so common that parents
complain their kids often grab the wrong blue blazer after the
event.)
Hard, toe-pinching dress shoes are also a foreign concept to boys
who've sported comfy sneakers and trendy ankle boots since they
were old enough to care about clothes.
They don't know how to tie a tie. And -- after years of shopping
at stores like the Gap -- they've never had a salesperson ask
about sartorial preferences like double-breasted jackets or cuffed
pant legs.
"Christian Dior. What's that?" asks 12-year-old Daniel Jaynes, of
Canton.
For many parents, the bar mitzvah shopping spree is an ordeal as
well. It's so much easier dressing daughters for their bat mitzvahs
(the equivalent event for 13-year-old girls.) While preteen girls
can be sullen too, more of them are fond of shopping and most have
worn a fancy dress to an event before.
Not so for many boys. And not only are their suits expensive (they
typically range from $185 to $300), they need all the accessories,
too: dress shoes ($45 to $75), dress socks ($5), dress shirt ($25 to
$30), tie ($15 to $20), and dress belt ($15 to $20).
And for all that expense, the boys may wear the suit only four or
five times before they outgrow it.
'It's going to be very painful to shell out $300 to $400," says Lea
Berkovits, of Brookline, who has seven children, including
12-year-old son Chanan.
Then there's the actual search for the outfit. You'd think that
would be the easy part. But not that many stores sell boys' suits.
Macy's has a few, but Filene's doesn't, nor TJ Maxx, nor Miltons. If
you know about it, there's Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse in
Braintree, and Lebow Brothers Men's & Boy's Clothing in Wellesley.
Part store, part therapist
But the word in the temples is: Simon & Sons. The retailer began
stocking boys' suits in its Newton store five years ago, after
Jewish mothers in the area basically demanded it. Now the men's
store is like bar mitzvah central, offering one of the largest
selections of boys' suits in the area (350 choices), as well as
six styles of boys' dress shoes; 50 patterns of boys' ties (sized
to fit a boy's neck, and with a sheet of instructions on tying);
five styles of boys' belts; and seven styles of boys' shirts ranging
from size 8 to 20.
"We've got everything for boys, from head to toe," says Paul Simon,
owner of the two-store company.
That kind of selection has created a flood of bar mitzvah shoppers.
Indeed, on one wall the store has 250 snapshots of bar mitzvah boys.
Posing in their newly purchased suits, the kids are lined up in rows
with names like Levy, Stern, Siegel, and Bloom. During the recent
school vacation week, more than 100 mothers and their sons visited
the store.
Says shopper Eva Victor Lessin, of Lexington, "In temple, everyone
talks about this store."
To be sure, merchandise alone isn't the only thing that's made
Simon & Sons remarkable. Its real contribution may be that -- during
one of the most important events of its customers' lives -- the store
willingly serves as part clothier, part family therapist, and part
peacemaker. Somehow, its salespeople have mastered how to resolve
family feuds while overcoming boys' indifference to fashion, or their
ignorance of it.
"We've had maternal and paternal grandparents in here arguing over
who's going to pay," says salesman David Duggan. "Meanwhile, we're
like the dentist to some kids," he says.
A parent, too, can be caught up in the emotions of the upcoming
occasion -- acknowledging his or her boy as a young man. Indeed,
while Liliane Schor, of Wayland, joyfully reminisces about her
18-year-old son's bar mitzvah five years ago, Simon listens patiently
while he quickly outfits her twin sons David and Michael in
gray-pinstripe and olive-green suits.
"What style ties do you guys like?" Simon asks them. 'I don't know,"
they both respond. No problem. Simon suggests geometric patterns.
A similar Q&A ensues over the shirts and belts, and in 45 minutes flat,
the 13-year-old twins are suited up and headed out the door. Liliane
Schor is beaming. "They're going to look so handsome," she says.
When kids balk
Of course, some kids don't want a salesperson, or their parents,
telling them how to dress. When Simon recommends a burgundy belt for
an olive green suit, Daniel Jaynes wrinkles up his nose. "I like
black," he says. When Simon suggests a royal blue shirt to match a
blue blazer (for a bar mitzvah after-party), Daniel rejects the idea,
muttering under his breath, "He's just saying that because he's
wearing a blue shirt."
Then Daniel spots another after-party item, a funky printed black vest,
and there's no stopping him. "I'm buying it. It's spiffy," he says.
"It doesn't go with your blazer," says his mother, Lois Jaynes. But
Daniel's ready for her. "Listen, I'll wear it with a white shirt and
khakis," he says. Lois Jaynes sighs, "He's a clotheshorse."
Some kids are embarrassed to tell a salesperson no. After 45 minutes
of poking and prodding, salesman Robert Carney has a bar mitzvah
outfit all laid out for Ben Lewis: a black suit with a cream shirt,
and black and tan tie. Ben gives a nod and his mom is at the cash
register.
Then Ben confides to his 15-year-old sister, Rebecca, that he really
doesn't like the outfit. "Tell her," Rebecca urges. But Ben waits
until Carney walks away. "I want to wear a regular white shirt, and
black and white tie," he whispers to his mom.
Since Sherri Lewis is wearing an ivory-colored dress, she tries to
talk Ben into the cream shirt. "It would be nice if we matched for
the pictures," she says.
Ben is silent. Seconds pass.
"OK. It's your day," says his mom.
Standing at the cash register, Ben smiles for the first time in an
hour. The shopping ordeal is over.
Comments
Brachot
What bracha do you say when you sit down on a piece of gum?
Lei-shev bazooka
What do you call an artificial sacrifice?
A korbon copy
What can you do on Friday night if you've forgotten to buy
anything for lechem mishna?
Turn to the door and say "Bo-i challa, bo-i challa."
What do you say when the challa comes in?
Shalom Ha-Lechem
Comments
Bris or Get?
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get [Jewish Divorce]?
A: In a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck!
Comments
The Bris
as told by Alan Dershowitz
in The
Vanishing American Jew
For those who believe that the birth of a son is the most
joyous event, the ceremony honoring it has a good news-bad
news quality, at least for the boy.
A week after the birth, the boy is given a party, with herring,
wine, cake.
Then suddenly comes the bad news, as he realizes the purpose of
the party!
Maybe that's why Jews have traditionally had such an aversion to
alcohol. But it doesn't explain our attraction to cake!
Comments
Brisket Recipe
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner.
Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of
the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a
moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always
saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off
the brisket before roasting. "The Grandmother thinks for a moment and
then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY
mother make a brisket."
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket,"
they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan
that was large enough!"
Comments
Brits vs. Jews
The Difference between an British Gentlemen and A Jew is :
A British Gentlemen leaves and doesn't say good bye.
A Jew says good bye and doesn't leave.
Comments
Mohel in the Bronx
On the Lower East Side of N.Y. was a store front with the name
MOISHE THE MOHEL. He was very popular in the neighborhood and made
lots of money. As his prosperity grew he and his wife decided to
upgrade and move to the Grand Concourse in The Bronx. Up there his
store front sign reads, MAURICE THE YANKEE CLIPPER.
Comments
Brooklyn Travel
An out-of-towner driving east in Crown Heights Brooklyn
pulls up his car next to a local Hassid and asks, "How far
is it to Fifth Avenue in Manhattan?"
The Hassid considers it for a moment, then answers "The way
you're going, about twenty-four thousand miles."
Comments
Bubbe
A Jewish grandmother takes her five year-old granchild
for a walk in the park one day. A neighbor sees them,
comes up and says "What a beautiful little girl!"
"That's nothing," says the grandma. "You should see her picture."
Comments
A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses
Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.
Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.
Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.
Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.
Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.
Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.
Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.
Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.
Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.
Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."
Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.
After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.
Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die.
Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.
Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.
Comments
Bubbe's Medicine
In the middle of a grand theatrical performance one of the leading
actors collapses, groaning, on stage. Responding to anxious requests
for help from the manager a concerned huddle soon develops around
him consisting, among others, of not a few eminent physicians who
happen to be present in the auditorium. As they cluster round
discussing possible diagnoses and treatments and the audience looks
on enthralled, a voice rings out from the balcony:
"Give him chicken soup!"
The figures on stage pay no attention and carry on with their
deliberations. For a second time the voice cries out:
"Give him some chicken soup!"
The discussions on stage continue, perhaps becoming somewhat more
heated, and more urgent. For a third time, louder than before, the
voice comes:
"Give the poor man some chicken soup!"
Exasperated, one of the figures on stage turns and addresses the
source of the voice, a small wizened Jewish grandmother:
"My good woman", he says, "This man is gravely ill. What on earth
could possibly be the benefit to him of plying him with chicken soup?"
All eyes turn to hear her response.
"And what harm?"
Comments
Oy Am I Thirsty
It's the 6 am bus and real quiet. All of a sudden, an old
bubbeh yells out "Oy am I thirsty!" "Oy am I thirsty!"
"Oy am I thirsty!" And she goes on and on and on at the top
of her lungs.
The sleepy passengers beg the bus driver to stop at the next
corner and get the kvetch a drink already!
So he does. "Here lady! Drink up! And shut up!"
She drinks the drink. The bus moves on. The passengers nod off
again or peek into their newspapers, happy the old bubbeh is
quiet. All of a sudden they hear....
"Oy WAS I thirsty!" "Oy, was I thirsty!"
Comments
Plot Resolution
Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one
claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their
arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case.
Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever
dies first will have the right to this burial place".
From then on, they stopped fighting ...
Comments
Jewish Business Secrets
Hymie Cohen and his friend Mick Murphy have adjacent shops on New York's
East Side. After five years Hymie owns the whole block, while Mick only
has a small shop.
"Hymie, I'm fed up. We both work the same. Tell me, what's the secret of
Jewish business success?"
"Easy," replies Hymie. "Gefilte fish."
"Gefilte fish? Well, could you let me have some?"
Hymie sells Mick a pound for $10. On his way home, Mick notices another
shop selling Gefilte fish for only $4 per pound. He returns to Hymie's.
"Listen, Hymie, it's very kind of you to give me the secret of Jewish
business success, but I saw gefilte fish on sale down the road at less
than half the price."
"See," said Hymie, "it's working already!"
Comments
Camp Necessities
Marvin went to Boy Scout camp. During inspection the scoutmaster
found an umbrella in his bedroll.
"What's this doing here", he yelled. "This isn't listed as a
necessary item".
"Maybe not", Marvin replied, "but you don't have a Jewish mother".
Comments
Cantorial Insurance
as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor
"A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing
voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London
for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly,
from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
Comments
Capitalism
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her
students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose
father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish,
I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around
the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'
Comments
Catholic Conversion
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the
Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take
the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells
every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to
the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing
over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and
saying:
....."Born a cow
......Raised a cow
......Now a fish."
Comments
Chaya and Schmeryl's Wedding Program
Welcome to Chaya and Schmeryl's wedding. We are delighted that all
of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Chaya's parents' expense.
We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and
deep meaning of the Jewish wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a
means to distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect
your neighbors' flatulence.
Kabalat Panim
The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to
offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her
friends and family. Chaya is seated on a large, throne-like chair,
where she receives greetings from guests. At this point, it is
customary for the men to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of
hungry refugees.
It is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the
bride looks, while musing quietly about what she'll look like after
about ten years of childbirth and strudel.
The Ketubah
Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important
role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the
ketubah, an ancient document that details Schmeryl's monetary
responsibilities and Chaya's claim to all of his assets, including the
shirt off his back, as security for those obligations in the event of
death or divorce. It is customary to decorate this document with
pretty flowers and other colorful designs and hang it from the wall
of the couple's new home.
At this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but
largely symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless.
The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their
children should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to
get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?
The Chosson's Tisch
"Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch,"
the men gather around a table and serenade Schmeryl with Hebrew
drinking songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and
tannaim. It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass
of scotch all over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a
scholar, he delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is
customary for the men to discuss the basketball or football game that
they are missing in order to be at the wedding.
Bedekin
An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein the
bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of
separation, and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make
this process as noisy and confusing as possible, Schmeryl is danced in
by a large crowd of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over
Chaya's face, consummating an important part of the marriage process.
Many authorities insist that Chaya's veil remain down from now until
the wedding ceremony. This is because it is funny to watch her bump
into things.
The Procession
During the ceremony, Chaya and Schmeryl will stand under the chuppah,
or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since
most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets.
Schmeryl is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family:
bubbe and zayde; his brothers, Yonkie and Yitzie; sister Huvie and
friends Chaim Mukapuckapucka, Louis Friedsnickman and Dr. Steven
Putzamulla. Schmeryl will then enter, escorted by his mother and
father, who are carrying lit candles in order to keep away the
mosquitoes.
Chaya's family and friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sisters Mali,
Rachel and Latifa; brother Duvie and friends Shani Grezputkinoff and
Dani Rulbuggabug. Chaya, together with her parents, will enter next,
at which point it is customary to stand up and take flash pictures
8 inches from her face.
When Chaya has reached the chuppah, she will walk around Schmeryl
seven times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it
is the smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square
and an odd number greater than one.
Kiddushin
In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the
head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism
sought to bring reverence and sancity to this relationship between
man and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short
Hebrew formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock
or animal bone and dragging her away.
The essence of the wedding ceremony is "kiddushin," wherein Schmeryl
buys Chaya for a nominal sum. Once Schmeryl has bought Chaya, no one
else is allowed to either buy or borrow Chaya and Schmeryl may not sell
Chaya at any point. Any liens, easements or sale-leaseback
arrangements involving Chaya that pre-date Schmeryl's purchase should
not be discussed publicly, except in low tones among cousins and family
friends during the wedding ceremony.
Nesuin
The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first
half; don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act symbolizes the groom's
removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his
own domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this
obligation:
Veiling the bride - performed during the bedekin
Standing under the chupah together
Yichud - Complete seclusion in a private room. This is
where the bride and groom traditionally break their
fast, and it affords Schmeryl his first real
opportunity to practice ignoring his wife while eating.
Sheva Brachot
The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the
Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing
is customarily given out as an honor to a different individual. It is
considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars
with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since few
families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course of
a lifetime, it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to
pretend to be rabbis.
Breaking the Glass
At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing the
verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand
forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Schmeryl will step on a
glass; the broken glass symbolizes the memory of the destroyed Holy
Temple and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of
a wedding incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience
generally breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the
Messiah has not yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in
Teaneck.
Comments
Wake Up Call
In Chelm, the Shammes used to go around waking everyone up for
minyan in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would
complain that although the snow was beautiful, they could not see
it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the
morning, the Shammes had already trekked through the snow to
wake the men up for minyan. The townspeople decided that they
had to find a way to let the Shammes wake everyone up for minyan
without having him make tracks in the snow.
The people of Chelm hit on a solution. They got four men to
volunteer to carry the Shammes around standing on a table every
time there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the Shammes
could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the
snow.....
Comments
Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
(NOTE FROM LORI: At the time this was written, there were no "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books geared for Jewish readers. In 2001, the group finally wrote Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul.)
Browsing the self-help section of my local bookstore this past week,
I couldn't help noticing an entire wall devoted to the inspirational
juggernaut that is "Chicken Soup For the Soul." To the heartwarming
original, the series' editor, Jack Canfield, has since added "A
Second Helping," "A Third Serving," "A Fourth Course," "A Fifth
Portion" and "A Sixth Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul," not to
mention "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul," the "Couple's Soul,"
the "Teenager's Soul," the "Mother's Soul," the "Woman's Soul," the
"Country Soul," and the "Pet Lover's Soul." In all, the Chicken Soup
franchise now comprises more than 100 different volumes, and the
number grows weekly.
Conspicuously absent from this list is "Chicken Soup for the Jewish
Soul." It's an odd omission given the well-known affinity of the
Jewish people for self-improvement and chicken soup. Throughout
history, Jews have been at the vanguard of self-help, beginning
with the publication of our first and most influential work of
self-help, "The Ten Commandments of Highly Effective Israelites"
(Moses [Ed.], et. al.). Other significant self-help books of Jewish
provenance include the Talmud, the "Ethica Ordine Geometrico
Demonstrata" of Spinoza and the collected works of Ruth Westheimer.
(Many scholars believe that the Talmud would have done more
business had it been published under its original title, "The
Rules.")
So "Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" would seem to be a sure bet,
financially speaking, and one can only assume that Mr. Canfield's
got one bubbling away on the stove, to be followed, no doubt, by
"A Matzo Ball for the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul," "Some Rye
Bread for Washing Down the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" and
"A Gigantic Plastic Container of Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
to Take Home for Later." Until it reaches bookstores, though, I'd
like to suggest a few other current works of Jewish self-help,
which, although perhaps not as well known as the Chicken Soup books,
still merit consideration:
"All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Hebrew School": This frankly
erotic work elaborates the author's premise that the skills he's
valued most highly in life were first imparted to him on Tuesday
and Thursday afternoons in a temple supply closet by a slightly
zaftig Brandeis undergraduate named Faye Berkowitz.
"The Grandma of the Gifted Child": A guide to being so proud you
could just burst. Includes techniques for effective kvelling and
explains what to do when you're trumped by the grandson of another
lady in your retirement community.
"The Oy of Sex": A Jewish companion volume to the well-known sex
manual, this book offers lush illustrations of the probable
expressions on your mother's face if she ever caught you doing any
of the things depicted in those disgusting illustrations from
"The Joy of Sex." (Particularly the ones on pages 94-95!)
"14,000 Things for Jews to be Happy About": In a quixotic attempt
to improve the mood of his constitutionally worry-prone people,
author Arnie Plotkin compiled this list of things for Jews to be
happy about. The book, marketed through temple bookstores, was a
commercial failure, but later achieved success under a new title:
"14,000 Things That Could Go Wrong."
"The Seven Habits of Highly Sephardic People": This provocative
book explores the benefits to general well-being that can be gained
from eating legumes on Passover and speaking Ladino.
"Women Who Run with the Wolfs": Sylvia Wolf and her daughter, Lisa,
discuss their trials and tribulations in convincing the ladies of the
local Hadassah chapter to sign up for a 5K charity run.
"Life's Little Reconstructionist Book": 613 suggestions,
observations, and commandments for Jews who have a different belief
in G-d.
"The Stella Stein Prophecy": In the most recent book by the
self-proclaimed "Nostradamus of Nostrand Ave.," Mrs. Stein uses her
psychic powers to foretell the future of people who don't chew their
food well, sit far enough away from the TV or check for ticks after
playing in tall grass by the same author: "I'm Okay, You Look a Bit
Pale").
Of course, it's also possible that we'll never see a "Chicken Soup
for the Jewish Soul." Why? Because, as a Jewish mother knows, the
only real "Chicken Soup for the Soul" is, in fact, a nice, hot bowl
of chicken soup.
Comments
A Child's Interpretation of the Ten Commandments
My nephew, who has just started the first grade,
was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.
Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not
commit adultery," he was asked what this
commandment meant.
With absolute seriousness he replied, "That
means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
Comments
The Children of Israel
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It
was now time for the usual question period.
"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."
"What's that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red
Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Uh--right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you are correct."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel
fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something
important, right?"
"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"
"Didn't the grown-ups do anything!"
Comments
A Family Tradition
A man's son was about four years old.
The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School.
His father asked him what he'd learned that day.
The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have
any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"
The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised";
but the answer was still "Yes."
Comments
(#C001) Hide and seek
Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were
brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and
the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing
hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLE’s turn to hide. While MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and
hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking
for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars
parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldn’t
find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside
dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with
him.
The policeman said, “And what, may I ask,
are you doing little boy?”
And the boy replied, “Playing a game.”
The policeman then asked, “What’s your
name?”
And the boy replied, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”
The Policeman got angry and said loudly,
“Are you looking for trouble?”
And the boy replied, “Yes.”
(#C002) Bees hair
“Mummy,” says little Issy, “Why do bees
have sticky hair?”
”Because they use honeycombs.”
(#C003) The story teller
One day, Emma the teacher is reading out
loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the
bit where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So Chicken Little went
over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling.”
Emma then asks her class, "What do you
think the farmer then said?"
Little Moshe raises his hand. "I think
he said, ‘Goodness, a talking chicken."
(#C004) The fur coat
Little Abe was talking to his older brother
Isaac.
“Isaac,” asks Abe, “why do bears have
fur coats?”
Isaac replies, “That’s easy. It’s because
they'd look silly in anoraks.”
(#C005) Pet request
“Daddy,” says little Melissa, “Can you
buy me a budgie?”
“Not now, darling,” he replies, “now is
not the right time.”
“So when is the right time to buy a budgie,
Daddy?” Melissa asks.
“When they're going cheap,” replies Daddy
(#C006) Visit to the zoo
Mummy and daddy have taken little Issy
to London Zoo. They were watching the lions.
“Mummy,” says Issy, “what’s a lion's favourite
food?”
”Why, baked beings of course,” she replies.
(#C007) Lions in the park
Little Yitzhak was talking to his best
friend Harry.
“Harry,” he says, “I was surrounded by
lions in the park this afternoon.”
“What,” says Harry, “lions in the park?”
“Yes,” replies Yitzhak, “dandelions.”
(#C008) Shabbos meal
It was Friday night and little Sam was
having his Shabbos meal with his parents. They were, as usual, going to
eat roast chicken.
When it arrived, Sam’s daddy smiled and
said, “Sam, do you know why this roast chicken is like an armchair?”
“No daddy.”
“Because they're both full of stuffing,
that’s why,” said his daddy.
(#C009) Knock Knock
“Knock knock.”
”Who's there?”
”Abe.”
”Abe who?”
”Abe C D E F G H...”
(#C010) Late again
Emma was telling her mummy a story about
a witch who arrived at a hotel without her broom because the broom was
late.
“Why was the broom late, Emma?” asked
her mummy.
“Because it over swept, mummy.
And, mummy, do you know what the witch asked for when she went to reception?”
“What did she ask for, Emma?”
“Broom service.”
(#C011) Soup
Mummy and daddy had taken little Benjy
to Blooms kosher restaurant.
During their first course, Benjy says,
“This soup tastes funny, daddy.”
His daddy replies, “So why aren’t you
laughing?”
(#C012) The bargain
Little Morris was telling his friend Cyril
all about his Chanukah presents.
“My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It’s
the best present I've ever had.”
“Why?”
“Because my mummy gives me extra money
every week if I don’t play it.”
(#C013) Bottom at the top
Little Max was telling his friend Howard
a riddle.
“What has a bottom at the top?”
Howard said, “I don't know, Max. What
does have a bottom at the top?”
“Why it’s your legs, of course.”
(#C014) Fish meal
Little Sidney was watching his mummy prepare
the fish for dinner.
She asks him, “Do you know what part of
a fish weighs the most, darling?”
”No,” he replies.
“It’s the scales.”
(#C015) Angry teacher
Emma was telling her little sister Melissa
all about school.
Emma says, “My teacher shouted at me today
for something I didn't do.”
So what didn't you do?” asks Melissa.
Emma replies, “My homework.”
(#C016) Visit to the butchers
Little Naomi goes to her kosher butchers
and asks, “Mummy wants to know how much is the duck?”
The butcher replies, “£12.”
“OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send
us the bill.”
”I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll
have to take the whole bird.”
(#C017) Clock watching
Little David was staring at the clock
on the mantelpiece.
Then he says, “Daddy, what do people do
in clock factories?”
His daddy replies, “They make faces all
day.”
(#C018) Dead Sea
Benjamin was enjoying his trip to the
Red Sea.
During dinner, Benjamin says, “Daddy,
if you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?”
His daddy replies, “Wet, of course.”
(#C019) Hebrew Lesson
During his Hebrew lesson, little Alan
asks his teacher, Where was King Solomon's temple, teacher?
”On his forehead.” Replies the teacher.
(#C020) The cross eyed teacher
Little Sarah was telling her best friend
Naomi that her teacher's eyes are always crossed.
“Why is that?” asked Naomi.
“Because she can’t control her pupils.”
Comments
(#C021) Head wear
Little Moshe’s dad asks him one day, “Do
you know what the hat said to the scarf?”
“No, daddy, I don’t,” replies Moshe.
”You hang around while I go on ahead,”
says his dad.
(#C022) Black and white
The teacher said to her class, “Does anyone
know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?”
Little Sarah put up her hand and said,
“It’s a blackboard, miss.”
(#C023) The eyes
One Sunday, little Benny’s grandpa asks
him a question, “Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?”
”No, Zeida.”
“It said, “Between you and me, something
smells.””
(#C024) Dustbins
One day at school, little Max was talking
to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about
the dustbin lorry?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don't worry,” said Max, “it's only a
load of rubbish.”
(#C025) Monster?
Little Naomi said to her mum, “Mum, what’s
got four legs and one foot?”
”I don’t know,” said her mum.
“A bed.”
(#C026) Music lover
One day, little Rifka went up to her dad
and said, “Dad, I want to play our piano but I can’t open the lid.”
“Of course you can’t,” said her dad, “the
keys are inside.”
(#C027) Letter T
Teacher asks her class, “Does anybody
know what starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?”
Little Benjy puts up his hand and says,
“A teapot, miss.”
(#C028) On the beach
It was August and little Hannah was on
holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, “Did you know that
they don’t allow elephants on this beach?”
”Why, dad?”
“Because they can't keep their trunks
up.”
(#C029) The race
One day at school, little Morris and little
Henry had a race and Henry won.
Morris then says to Henry, “you won, but
I know what you lost.”
“What did I lose, then?”
“Your breath.”
(#C030) The lion
Little Leah asks her dad, “Do you know
what happened when the lion ate the comedian?”
“No, I don’t, darling.”
“He felt funny.”
(#C031) Walking
One day, little Sam is out walking with
his dad.
Sam says, “Do you know what runs but never
walks, dad?”
”I don’t know, Sam.”
“Water.”
(#C032) Night time question
Just before she went to bed, little Ruth’s
mum asks her a question, “Do you know how to make milk shake, darling?”
“No I don’t, mum.”
“You give it a good fright.”
(#C033) Breakfast
One morning, little Avrahom is eating
his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, “Do you know
what cheese is made backwards?”
“No, mum.”
“Edam.”
(#C034) The fool
One day, little Isaac says to his dad,
“Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?”
“No.”
”Oh, so it's you.”
(#C035) Cat food
One breakfast time, little Rivkah’s mum
asks her, “What do cats eat for breakfast, darling?”
”I don’t know, mum.”
“Mice Crispies”
(#C036) On the river
One Sunday, little David is with his parents
on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, “What do you think sea
monsters eat, David?”
“I don’t know, dad.”
“Fish and ships.”
(#C037) Afters
While she was eating her lockshen pudding,
little Judith’s mum says to her, “Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling?”
“No, mum.”
“A jelly baby.”
(#C038) The teeth
Why did little Arnold wear a belt on his
teeth?
Because he couldn't find his braces.
(#C039) At the zoo
Little Freda was at the Zoo with her dad
when he asks her, “What do you call a deer with no eyes, darling?”
“What, dad?”
“No idea.”
(#C040) Can’t eat
One breakfast time, little Rebecca says
to her mum, “What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum?”
“I don’t know?”
“Lunch and dinner, of course.”
Comments
Children's Sh'ma
A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew
teacher quoting Scripture.
"The L-rd our G-d is One," the teacher declared.
"When will He be two?" the youngster asked.
Comments
Deli Waiter
Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively
by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent
impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were
enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect
Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the
restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn
such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said,
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Comments
The Chumra of the Week Club
Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present:
The Chumra of the Week Club.
Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!)
better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe
you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by
any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!
Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic
Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our
present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).
Choose from Chumras in:
Fleishigs
Milchigs
Davening
Clothing
Tefillin and Tzitzit
and many more.
(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam
lamakom.)
After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each
week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can
immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a
Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your
Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is
inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within
7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice.
Reasons for exchange include:
You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency -
unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness
and stringency).
Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid.
You want to be the first one in your community with this
Chumra.
We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We
have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most
obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra
taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique
and to amaze all your friends.)
To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following
form scrupulously:
Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to
supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).
Address: _______
Phone:________
To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____
Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
a) Regular ____
b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details.
All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest
confidence.
Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers,
we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the
"Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."
Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and
change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly
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Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other
guy will say."
Comments
`Chosen Beer' Sales Grow Among Consumers Desiring Kosher Brew
By Debra Nussbaum Cohen
NEW YORK, Oct. 7 (JTA) -- In the beginning there was an idea and it was
good: Jewish beer, named ``He'Brew -- The Chosen Beer.''
The beginning, for beer developer Jeremy Cowan, was last Chanukah, and it
was so good that he sold every bottle of his 100 cases almost as soon as
they hit the shelves of the liquor stores, kosher delis and restaurants
that carried it in the San Francisco area.
Today Cowan, 28, has contracted with a leading micro-brewery and
professional beer distributors in the San Francisco area, and is selling as
many cases of the unconventional beer -- 500 -- in a week as he did during
the past nine months.
The beer, whose theme is "exile never tasted so good," is available in
stores throughout California and in other places by toll-free mail order
through The Wine Club.
The centerpiece of the beer's brightly colored label is a picture of a
Chasidic-looking rabbi looming over a landscape that puts the Golden Gate
Bridge right next to a Jerusalem skyline.
Although no beer is kosher for Passover -- hops are made from forbidden
grain -- the label's side panel answers the question: Why is this beer
different from all other beers?
As the label explains in a Jewish text-referenced way, the answer is
part-Jackie Mason shtick, part-micro-brewing expertise: "Our first
creation is Genesis Ale.
"Barley is one of seven Biblical species that celebrate the bounty of the
Land of Milk and Honey (Deut. 8.8), and He'Brew draws a symbolic link to
our own Garden of Eden in Northern California. A smidgen of Middle East, a
dash of American West."
Cowan shmaltzes it up on the label, which also says, "Like your bubbe's
chicken soup, there's no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold."
T-shirts, posters, pint glasses and other paraphernalia are available
directly through Cowan at his San Francisco-based company, Shmaltz
Enterprises.
The beer is certified by a local kashrut agency.
The label also says that 10 percent of the beer's profits go to tzedakah,
or charity.
Cowan said he has donated beer to Jewish organizations, which have
auctioned it off at their fund raisers.
His customer base has been diverse. Last Purim a Chabad house ordered a
keg, and "skateboard-MTV-type Jewish kids buy it at grocery stores,"
Cowan said.
Cowan first hit on the idea a decade ago while talking with the only other
Jewish student in the high school they attended in Menlo Park, Calif., a
suburb about 30 miles south of San Francisco.
A year ago, Cowan talked a small group of his most faithful friends into
squeezing the juice out of pomegranates -- an early ingredient in the beer
that he had to drop when it made government labelling and kosher
certification requirements too complicated -- in his living room.
In the works is a full line including another beer, to be introduced next
summer, coffee drinks, teas and sodas, Cowan said.
"I want He'Brew to be like Manischewitz for the next generation," Cowan
said, "a high-quality product, but with a lot of funk and humor."
Comments
Afterlife
A rabbi and a priest on a train, in conversation:
Priest: "Last night I had a dream about your Jewish paradise.
I saw dirt and trash everywhere and the place was
absolutely packed with all your people."
Rabbi: "What a coincidence ! I too dreamed about paradise -
the Christian one, though. It was a wonderful land
filled with flowers, fragrant scents and sunshine - but
nowhere at all could I see even one person!"
Comments
Christian Love
British Novelist Israel Zangwell was Jewish. Upon hearing this,
a gentile told him that Jews were suspicious of gentiles,
clannish, and unfriendly.
The author looked at the speaker, sighed, and replied, "Yes.
Two thousand years of Christian Love has made us very nervous."
Comments
Chutzpa
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father
and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because
he is an orphan.
Comments
Circumcision Joke
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older
than 8-days old?
A: A girl.
Comments
Cliche Come True
"Is a Rabbi rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?"
Comments
Halachos of Coffee
In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was
revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from
hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret
teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd
Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou
shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you
observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of
thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are exempt.)
The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further research
uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this allegedly
"secret teaching."
Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in
the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama
[time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a
mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude
that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R. Chama
bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at all.
What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos
rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the
morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until later
in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling patterns at
greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha shebehol eyt,
erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your goodness at all
times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not coffee with cream one of
G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain that this mitzvah applies
to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos rishon. (Halacha follows this
opinion.) Once again, women and men are both obligated in this mitzvah.
Are Jews, then, commanded to drink coffee? No, but those who do are
considered praiseworthy. What of those who do not drink coffee? They are
obligated to contemplate the coffee of a friend, and to refrain from
stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he).
May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee has
never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may contemplate it.
The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it was prepared and
served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it even in unkosher
vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do not do this, and
Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.
May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet
Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the
convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics.
Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As usual, we follow Bet
Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not drink the coffee, the
coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal tashchit [do not
destroy].
What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is forbidden
in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve ersatz
cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah [beautifying
a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest ingredients we can afford,
and mocha mix is inferior to authentic cream. Hence we do not serve coffee
after meat. (Black coffee does not fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah
notes that those who are especially pious refrain from eating meat at any
time so that they will always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real
cream. So important is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable
(except for those with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur
mitzvah, the Kos Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition
to fine quality coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not
only must the coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but
when one refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a
silver spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon
was available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's
family.
One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused stirring
implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude (erroneously) that
stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may first stir sugar into
coffee and then refrain from stirring after adding cream, those who are
strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the stirrer. Neither may one stir
the coffee first, and then pour in cream while the coffee is still in
motion relying on turbulence to mix the cream. The Torah is explicit that
the purpose is to observe convection currents (which must be generated by
temperature diffential, and not any other motion or current). In recent
years it has become common to use special coffee cups made of glass, so
that one may observe the currents not only from the top, but from the
sides and bottom as well. Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not
invalidate cups made of fine china.
Comments
Combatting Solitude
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the
middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise,
is a recipe for matzah balls.
When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told,
"Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts
to get to you, you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're
going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're
going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying,
'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls."
Comments
A Conversation Between Moses and G-d
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
Comments
Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I
raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the
Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to
Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason him!"
The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing
happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in
my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he
converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to
tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying:
"Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue.
Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
Comments
The Creation Algorithm
//CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440
//*
/*SETUP DISK=PRIMAL
//*
//JOBLIB DD DSN=UNIVERSE,DISP=(OLD,KEEP)
//*
//* FOR EXTENDED DOCUMENTATION ON THIS JOB REFER TO MEMBER
//* BOOK.ONE, CHAPTER,ONE OF SYSDOC FILE WORD.OF.GOD
//* TAMPER WITH THIS JOB AT YOUR OWN EXTREME RISK!
//*
//DAYONE EXEC PGM=IEBGENER
//VOID DD DSN=CHAOS
//DAY DD DSN=LIGHT
//NIGHT DD DSN=DARKNESS
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE LIGHT, AND LET DARKNESS BE A SEPARATE DATASET!
/*
//DAYTWO EXEC PGM=SORT
//FIRM DD DSN=HEAVEN,DCB=DSORG=PO
//WATERS1 DD DSN=HEAVEN(ABOVE)
//WATERS2 DD DSN=HEAVEN(BELOW)
//SYSIN DD *
LET THE FIRMANENT, CALLED HEAVEN, PARTITION THE WATERS!
/*
//DAYTHREE EXEC PGM=MERGE
//MERGEIN DD DSN=BELOW
//MERGEOUT DD DSN=DRY.LAND
//EARTH DD DSN=DRY.LANE
//BELOW DD DSN=SEAS
//FLORA DD DSN=GRASSES.HERBES
// DD DSN=FRUIT.TREES
//SYSIN DD *
SET THE EARTH CONCATENATE GRASS AND TREES
/*
//DAYFOUR EXEC PGM=IEBUPDTE
//SUN DD DSN=LIGHT
//MOON DD DSN=LIGHT
//STARS DD DSN=LIGHT
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE PANEL LIGHTS TO INDICATE THE STATUS OF
THE UNIVERSE!
/*
//DAYFIVE DD PGM=IEHMOVE
//WHALES DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//FOWL DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//SYSIN DD *
BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY UNTIL OVERFLOW
/*
//DAYSIX EXEC PGM=IEBCOPY
//MAN DD DSN=GOD.IMAGE
//MALE DD DSN=MAN(ADAM)
//FEMALE DD DSN=MAN(EVE)
//SYSABEND DD DSN=ETERNAL.HELL
//SYSIN DD *
ALL THE DATASETS NOW EXIST. LET MAN TEND THE CONSOLE
AND REPLENISH THE LINE PRINTER AND KEEP HIS MITTS OUT
OF THE MICROCODE!
/*
//DAYSEVEN EXEC PGM=ENTROPHY,COND=((IT IS GOOD,DAYSIX),ONLY)
//TIME DD DSN=ETERNITY
//SYSIND DD *
NOW LET THE SYSTEM RUN, THE PANEL LIGHTS TWINKLE, AND THE DISKS
FILL WITH DATA!
/*
//
Comments
Creation Science
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed G-d. So they picked one
scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
G-d listened very patiently to the man. After the scientist was done
talking, G-d said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But G-d added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem"
and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
G-d looked at him and said, "No, no -- you go get your own dirt."
Comments
The Creation of Woman
Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and
so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual
historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's
ribs.
Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries, last week,
at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea,
archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date
Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's
beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible
"... and G-d created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her
young. And G-d spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit,
but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there
anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I
do not need but two breasts."
And G-d said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."
There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and
Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.
And so it was, G-d created Man."
Comments
Cyber-Bris
Q: What do you call Internet communications sent by one who performs
circumcisions?
A: E-moil
Comments
A Darkened Theater
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good,
are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a
nice, Jewish girl?"
Comments
Dating Criteria
A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings
him into the living room to meet her parents.
"Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We'll be home early," she says.
Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his
name that he is a Gentile.
When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately,
"Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?
"No Mom, he's not." replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle
is about to begin.
Momentary silence from the mom.
"Well - is he Pre-Med?"
Comments
The Catch
by Anne Silver
"He's into dog s--t," I told Maggie when she asks what my latest date does
for a living.
"Cool."
"Not only that, but Bart has his own airplane so he can go all around the
country selling his pooper scooper. He is the King,"
Typical Jewish date for me, he told me how generous he is but gave
nothing to me while he took everything he could get his hands on, including my
body. He even pretended to be obsessed with my poetry. He was a salesman,
and he told me that he always likes to maneuver his customers by learning
all he can about them while giving them no information about himself. And
I was one dumb customer myself. I did noticed he didn't talk about himself
unless it was to complain about his ex wife not enjoying life like he does,
or that his father stupidly threw his life away by taking care of his
mother when she got sick, or repeatedly telling me his net worth, because I
was too busy being flattered by his attention. And then he disappeared
saying he needed space.
"You know how to select 'em, Miss Anne," my friend says.
"When are you going to fix my picker? You're a shrink, for God's sake.
Help me, Maggie."
Since Maggie is single, she doesn't have any answers either, except she
knows when to come in out of the courtship storm. She had the brains to
get religion and be orthodox, so if she does happen to meet a nice Jewish
guy, at least she'll know he's trying to live a righteous life.
The last guy I dated for a blink, Barry, hosts venting events. He
holds a microphone while standing in the middle of a coffee house while people
puke their complaints against men, traffic, men, Clinton, men, into the air.
He runs around like a stumpy Donahue trying to get everyone to get out their
frustrations, which makes them more and more angry. I told him all the
psychology studies, and all the Buddhist teachers say that anger begets anger.
But Barry says he is spiritual. He knows the score. In fact, he is so
developed and in tune with the cosmos, he refused to thank me for arranging
a dinner at a posh restaurant and getting him a present on his birthday.
Refused!
The guy before him was Don the cartoonist who took $800 from me to
illustrate a book but wouldn't give me the pictures or pay the money back.
Then he complained that I gave him the opportunity to rob me and ruin his
character.
I ask myself, which one is Moe, Larry or Curly and then I realize
I'm the stooge. And I beg Maggie to take and shred my dating card. Really.
I wonder why I would want to keep dating when it's always the same guy.
I suppose I am an optimist. My mother, may she rest in peace, used
to tell me a pessimist is never disappointed. But she was a pessimist, and
she was always disappointed. At least I have intermittent rays of hope.
For instance, just today a guy held the door open for me. And the other
day, I went on a date where the guy actually paid for my dinner. He did
ask to be reimbursed when I told him I wasn't going to go to bed with him.
But for a moment I was happy.
I think my dating life was cursed from the start, because I lied to
my mother. When I was 14, I asked if I could go out with Melvin Honowitz to
see the Association at the Ice House in Pasadena. He was in AZA and I was
a BBG. She said I was too young. I told her she shouldn't have let me
skip a grade if I couldn't be allowed to do what girls in my grade got to
do. I omitted the fact that they weren't allowed to date. Mel is actually
the only nice Jewish guy I ever went out with. I should have quit while I
was ahead, instead of thinking I would meet another one like him.
Maybe I have been dating too long. Or I should have dated non-Jewish
men. But my mother wanted me to marry a Jew. I didn't ever tell her that
with Jewish men, I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, verbally abused,
publically humiliated, beaten up, raped and robbed. And I swear on my
mother's dust, I have not deserved any of it.
Each and every Jewish guy I have dated have expected me to be their
audience, demanded to be served, massaged, held and comforted without
giving one of those things in return, which is how my mother described my
late father. I don't know how she could say that. H hugged me a couple of
times.
If a woman knew what I have experienced with the Jewish men I have
met and dated, she would have to be out of her mind to want to date one.
When I see "Mad About You", I think, poor woman. Poor, poor blond woman.
You have no idea what's going to happen when you ask for something in return
for all the kindness you will show this man. And I also say, you can have him.
But to be honest, I hear the same complaints from my Christian
girlfriends. I've dated a couple of them and my worse complaint was that
one drank too much. Well, a couple of them did.
I've been praying lately, trying to get G-d's ear so I can ask him,
please, take away this rage before I explode and take out the whole
Westside. But I think the loudest complainers, blamers and takers got His
audience first. They are more practiced at getting attention with those
tactics. Maybe I should go to Barry's venting event. And maybe I won't.
After God blessed me by giving me myself. After all, I could have been
born one of these guys I've learned to despise.
When I was young, I used to dream that I'd have a Jewish home when I
grew up. That I'd light the Sabbath candles and have a lovely table set for
my family. But the only Jewish guys I know who would appreciate such a
peaceful life are either very gay, or those who have been my friends for a
long time, or they are married and already have families.
I am seriously considering changing my religion, not to Islam or
Native Americanism. Jainism has always attracted my interest. I'll roam the
streets and dirt paths of India as naked as the girls in any of my
ex-boyfriends' vast porno libraries but not air-brushed. I'll put my hands
out as a plate for food when I am hungry. It won't be difficult. I'll just
pretend I'm one of the Jewish men I have dated. The only difference is that
I will nod a thank you.
Comments
Return From Abroad
A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and
surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the
Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing
her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what
you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without
telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my
new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother
sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a
feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads
and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on
both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....
I said RICH doctor!"
Comments
Davening Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one
day wishing something wonderful would change his life when he passed
a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a
schlomazel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
and said: "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his
years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told
him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally,
they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying
his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when
Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and
hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot
wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and
taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for
the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and
teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time,
Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about
to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to
say, they made quite a sight when they rrived at the Shul, and Meyer
was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time,
swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or
Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his
shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on,
everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught
you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring
you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Kippur!"
Comments
"Collect Call to G-d, Please"
A man realized that he had to stop to daven Mincha,
as it was getting dark. So he stopped by a
telephone booth, picked up the reciever, and made it
look like he was talking on the phone,
while he was actually davvening.
When he finished, he closed the siddur, hung up the
phone, and walked out of the booth,
wondering why everyone was standing around, laughing.
He looked up, to discover a sign on the phone booth
saying: "OUT OF ORDER".
Comments
All In A Day's Work
Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying
"Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying
"Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any
of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by,
gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you
change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any
money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would
teach US business..."
Comments
Children of Noah
Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to
be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all,
they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill
because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed
before Noah and said "We is honored to join you in this here
boat" although they weren't really sure what a boat was. In
fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites
joking about "Noah's Folly", saying the wood wasn't any good
for chewing.
Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was
really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded.
Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else,
water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the
ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with
all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet)
accounted for.
It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt.
Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt
and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber.
In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk
in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of
"eau de pew" into the chaos.
Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody
quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had
God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered
his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noah's frantic
prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.
In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of
rope and said, "Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle
securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me
that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink.
Will you help me?"
Deelya looked at Roosevelt. "What gift be dat?" she asked. "Only
things different 'bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is
getting a workout right about now."
But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher
calling, decided "If the Good Lord says it, it must be true."
So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk
stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could
manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.
Noah had life's major constraints in place, and had called all
the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered
mainly on God's providence and the necessity to begin repopulating
the earth.
Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a
little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come
forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their
free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future
anthill full of special noses.
As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud
"Y'know, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!"
Comments
Dear Sir
When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of
the World).
When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu"
(Our Father, Our King).
A Reform Jew addresses G-d as:
"Oh L-rd, Thou art One".
A Reconstructionist says:
"To whom it may concern".
Comments
Definition of a Jewish Joke
A joke that a Gentile won't get,
and
A joke that a Jew has heard and
knows how to tell it better.
Comments
Home, Sweet Home
A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked
his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be
buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem,
put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in
some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He
called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to
the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come?
You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in
Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
Comments
Differences
Q: What's the difference between a Goy, an Ashkenazi Jew, and a
Sephardic Jew?
A: The Goy has a mistress and wife and loves his mistress;
The
Ashkenazi Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his wife;
and the
Sephardic Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his mother.
Comments
The Difference Between Jewish and Italian Mothers
What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son
won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't
eat her cooking?
The Italian mother kills her son; the Jewish mother kills
herself.
Comments
Dinner?
A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul.
He asks his wife, "Nu, what's for dinner?"
She says "Yesterday we had chicken."
Comments
Disney Supports New Solution to Status of Jerusalem
Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked
by reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.
However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let
it slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
solution to the next, most difficult stage, in the implementation of
the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected
offer from the Disney corporation.
Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements will
have to be settled through direct negotiations between the involved
parties, the preliminary details are as follows:
The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length of
time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious theme
park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park will be
subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim Land," with
the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of Old Jerusalem's
present religious "quarters."
Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised, but
the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly enthusiastic
about the potential for a series of mechanical rides and roller
coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already produced outlines
of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on tracks, will retrace
the steps of the High Priest through the ancient Temple, culminating in
a special surprise in the Holy of Holies." A similar ride has been
devised for the Via Dolorosa, following the stations of the cross.
The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
"Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
Al-Aqsa mosque.
Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant about
confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this moment,
more than distant speculations.
When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem than
previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous contributions to a
number of yeshivahs and other religious institutions. "Many
ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the prospect that they can get
paid in dollars just for walking around in their traditional clothing.
In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis were generally less concerned with the
content of the park, which their own people would be unlikely to visit,
than with receiving assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the
inclusion of any "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney
representative did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods
might be included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).
Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose,
and proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined
monorail and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the
capital's traffic congestion.
A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan.
However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism
from fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.
"The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the Aladdin
fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their original
suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in the
Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
(possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California
Disneyland.
Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow for
the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.
The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course, the
security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in the
volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?
"No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this stage,
but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we refer to as
the `Temple Mounties'."
Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions. His
assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."
Comments
Canine Bar Mitzvah
There was once a man who wanted to make a bar mitzvah for his
dog. He decided that he would consult his Orthodox Rabbi and
seek his advice.
The Rabbi said "Are you crazy!!! a Bar Mitzvah for a dog."
The man replied, "Yes, Rabbi. He has been part of my family
for thirteen years"
The rabbi said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this for you"
The man continued and went along to a conservative rabbi and
the rabbi responded in the same way "I can't do a Bar Mitzvah
for a dog".
The man went ahead and asked his local Reform Rabbi if he
would do the Bar Mitzvah for him. The Rabbi said, "Listen,
we do a lot of crazy things around here but a Bar Mitzvah for
a dog is absurd"
The frustrated man responded, "Rabbi, I'll give you $18,000
to do this for me......Please..!!!" The Rabbi quickly shot
his head around and said "You never told me the dog was
Jewish"
Comments
A Dying Wish
An elderly Jew is on his deathbed and, much to his relatives'
surprise, calls for a priest. When the priest arrives, the man
declares, "I want to convert."
Confused, the priest asks, "Sir, why on earth would you want to become
a Catholic when you've lived all your life a Jew?"
"Better one of them should die than one of us!" the man snaps.
Comments
El Al Announcements
An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the
passengers hear:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are
Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz.
Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."
Comments
The English Paper
To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the
class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science
fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the
professor was grading them and came across this paper:
There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Across the border
from Isaac, Abdul, an Arab border guard, had his post. One night,
Abdul crept over the border and killed Isaac.
When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous
night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a
raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.
This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli
reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and
Israelis were at war.
Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused,
reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in
red ink, and then moved on to the next paper.
The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as
he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached
and asked to speak with the professor.
I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.
"It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to
write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to
do with the assigned subject."
"I must disagree," said the student. . "I think that my paper
examined the very basis of Zion's Friction."
Comments
Everything's Coming Up Moses
(a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song)
By Alan Friedman
(Parady as Sung by Al Gore)
Who'd have guessed? Whoever knew?
Such commotion when I picked a Jew
Starting here, starting now,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses
Joe is wise, and he's deft,
So what if he reads right to left?
He's devout, Clinton's out,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses
There's an aura,
My campaign's energized,
Votes will pour-
Soon we can all dance the hora.
It's an exciting time,
At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve beef, axe the pork,
Now we'll carry New York, And I can take my Saturdays off, too,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses For me and for you!
(c) Southern Discomfort Productions. Used with Permission.
Comments
Exodus - In Computer Command Language
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode,
cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe/Moses
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done
Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released
Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device
Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done
Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done
Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done
Happy Pesach/Passover
To you too
Comments
Exodus: On the Light Side
(from Lights in Action)
The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...
Previously on
"The Pentateuch (say what?)":
...And Jacob was buried in the Cave of Machpelah like unto his fathers, and
Joseph too grew so long of years as to be near death, and did die, and
furthermore did not live any longer...
...And so ended the Beginning.
And now begins part two of the five-part miniseries, "The Pentateuch (say
what?)":
...Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt:
Who, What, I Don't Know Who, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don't
Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot
and Costello routine and changed them to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah,
Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was
fine for the Lord, though "Issachar's on first?"-"No, Naphtali's on first;
Issachar's on second."-"Zebulun."-"Third base." did not make any sense unto
Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem...
...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing,
considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, did they become
ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with
them and in fact double-teeming, and well, there were really a whole lot of
them is the concept we're trying to get across here...
...And a new king arose upon Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph
for he had read not the history books nor the Bible and did believe that it
was all just so much revisionist camel dung. And the Pharaoh did see that
the Jews were waxing ridiculously large of number and did say to his
cabinet, "Forsooth, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our
enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from out our land." And his
ministers did look favorably upon his knowledge of Proverbs and did agree
with him. And did one of Pharaoh's lackeys further say, "Let us deal
craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic
stimulus plan," and Pharaoh quoth "Make it so," and did further quoth,
"Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it"...
...And the Israelites were forced to build the Pyramids and then to move
them around until they were in the right places and then to construct and
solve a giant Rubik's Triangle. And did they wail one unto the other, "Oy!"
But did the Children of Israel continue to multiply and did Pharaoh become
alarmed and fear that when they had ceased to multiply they would also
divide - and conquer. And so did Pharaoh add to their troubles and did
issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River.
And did the tabloids declare that this was because Pharaoh's horoscope had
told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born
at a certain time...
...But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole
in Pharaoh's decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation
device. And forsooth, she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did
place it upon the Nile. And the baby's sister did look upon him from afar.
And did the baby muse to himself as he floated: "Lo, lo, lo, my boat gently
down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily..." And did the daughter of
Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, overhear the infant and know that it
was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever come up with such an
atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt
the baby as her own and she did call his name Moses, saying, "For I drew
him out of the water and, er, well, it's a better name than basket"...
...And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and
did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Isralite
and was mightily ticked off. And after looking to make sure that there was
no overhead camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And
lo, when he went out the next day, two Isrealites strove together like unto
Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his
fellow, saying, "Why dost thou smite thy fellow?" And the Israelite did
reply, "My, my, aren't we feeling superior today, Mr.
let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?" And did Moses quoth, "Uh
oh," for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore to appear on Hard Copy
that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the
neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending
the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro...
...And it came to pass that the L-rd heard the cries of the Children of
Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
(see Genesis). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the desert in a
burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, "I am the L-rd, thy
G-d." And Moses spake, saying "What?" And the Lord spake, saying, "No,
What's on second. I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake saying, "Oh my
G-d." And G-d spake, saying, "Thou catchest on fast." And G-d did say
further, "I am the G-d of thy father, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,
and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and
unto a land flowing with milk and honey." And Moses said, "Gross," for
stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling
unto the feet...
...And did G-d quoth, "I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and
lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt land. Tell old
Pharaoh to let my People go." And did Moses reply, "Who, me? But I'm, uh,
that is, I don't, uh, I'm not really that great at, uh, public speaking,
see..." And the Lord said, "Go. Thy brother Aaron (Remeber him?) shall
speak in thy stead." And did the Lord give Moses miracles and wonders to
show in Egypt, such as how to win at three card monte...
...And Moses did go and did speak unto Pharaoh, saying, "Thus saith the
Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me." And Pharaoh quoth,
"Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!" And Moses did perform there the
miracles that G-d had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was unimpressed, for his
own magicians could win at three card monte (though he could not). And did
the Pharaoh quoth, "Get this joker out of here," and did order that the
Israelites' toil be made harder...
...And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free
the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance
and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and
there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and
turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh cammanded his magicians to do the
same, whereupon Moses' snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp,
and turn back into a staff. But the Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was
by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger
than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staffs...
...And lo, now did the Lord really get cooking. And it came to pass that
the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses
bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his
chief of staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish
did expire not unlike those of Boston Harbour. And lo, all the water in all
the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the
wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of
the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth,
"Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!"...
...And Pharaoh's heart was
hardened for he was a moron, and Moses caused frogs to overrun the land and
to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians did
in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs
(which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh's court did not require much
in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to
remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when
they had removed the frogs - who, in the manner of their kind, did croak -
Pharaoh's heart was hardened once again...
...And Moses brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians
tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the
magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, "This is the
finger of G-d!" And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate
being given the finger, and his heart remained hard...
..And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and
boils and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, and Pharaoh still did not
heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews
for... they were the Jews...
...And Moses brought darkness unto the land, darkness so dark that man
could not see his fellow man and there was much bumping into one another
until even this was stopped due to it being so dark. And the darkness was
black, even blacker than Spinal Tapp's "Smell the Glove" jacket...
...And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness
and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to the
palace. And the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, "Tell the People to take a
lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it and eat
of the meat and smear the blood on their doors. On this night I shall slay
the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites shall
I pass over." And did Moses quoth, "Hey, what a great name for a holiday!"
And the Lord did sayeth, "What, Passover?" And Moses quoth, "Uh, actually I
was thinking of Bloody Door Day, but Passover does have a nice ring to it"...
...And the Israelites did as Moses bid them. And the Lord quoth, "This
shall be a holiday for generations: all leavened bread - and all food.
Comments
Extremely Reform Craft Project
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
During the week encourage young children to work on a Jewish craft or
project to present on the Sabbath.
Make Your Own Yarmulke (An Extremely Reform Craft Project)
Step 1. Find an old Mickey Mouse hat.
Step 2. Tear off the ears.
* Note: In general, Nintendo is not considered a 'Jewish Craft.'
Comments
Reform Rules
from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader
The mezuzah: Even if you have no idea what it is, by all means
affirm the Extremely Reform Jewishness of your home by
owning religious artifacts that you find puzzling. Each member
of the household, each time they pass it, should touch it gently
with their fingertips and then kiss their fingertips, until everyone
in the household has the same flu symptoms.
Jewish Dietary Laws are not to be confused with Jewish Laws
of Dieting, though both involve widespread rationalizing and
cheating. Making food kosher involves removing unwanted
impurities, such as flavor. This process is described in greater
detail in the Jewish bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to
Good Cuts of Meat.
Comments
Extremely Reform Synagogue Survival Skills
from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader
Survival Tip Number 6: No, You Don't Have to Know Hebrew
(Showing Up For Services Is Sufficiently Amazing.) A question commonly
asked by Extremely Reform Jews is, "Must I pray in Hebrew?" No, and wipe
that look of terror off your face. Fluency in Hebrew, of course, is
vital to the proper understanding of Israeli truck driver insults.
On the other hand, a famous Hungarian Rabbi used to conduct his prayer
services entirely in Hungarian. This does not mean you have to learn
either Hebrew or Hungarian. It simply means that you can pray in any
language you can actually speak. . . .
Basic Extremely Reform Hebrew
"Shabbat Shalom!" --
"Good Sabbath!"
"Ha Goldfarberim kanu yachta." --
"The Goldfarbs bought a yacht."
"Hi hishmina me'az hashana she'avra." --
"She's gotten heavier since last year."
"Ani hoshez she'ani mikabel hatkafat podagra." --
"I think I'm having a gout attack."
Comments
Fershtayn Yiddish?
Mrs. Lapidus approached a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugged on the
sleeve of his coat and asked, "Fershtayn Yiddish?"
The man answered, "Ya, ich fershtay."
Says Mrs. Lapidus, "Gut. Vot time is it?"
Comments
Dentistry and Religion
As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
religiously."
"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to synagogue."
Comments
Funny Wife
"If your wife laughs at your jokes, it means that you
either have a good joke or a good wife."
-- Yiddish Saying
Comments
Gabbai Chain Letter
Dear Fellow Gabbai:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been
in many major synagogues. Now it has come to you. It will bring you
good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must
follow these instructions:
include the names below in your next "mi sheberach".
remove the first name from the list and add your own name at the bottom.
make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be blessed 10,000 times! This will
amaze your family, assure your unbounded success and improve your
religious life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
Do not break the loop, but send this letter on today.
The illustrious gabbai Itzik J. of New York received this letter and within
a year after passing it on was picked as chief gabbai of all New York
State! Fred W. threw the letter away and lost all his money on the stock
exchange. Judas H. received the letter and put it aside. That week, he
forgot to give an aliyah to the shul president (!) and by mistake called
only six people to the Torah instead of seven. He found the letter and
passed it on, and later that week was acclaimed gabbai of the year. Rabbi
Adrian B. did not pass the letter on, and he was told that day that his
shul was to be dismantled and he was out of a job! This could happen to you
if you break this chain.
Dina Sara ben Haman (Shushan)
Steven Wendel ben Augustus (Ramallah)
Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo ben Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo (Holy Temple)
Menahem Israel ben Soussa Mahmoud (Jerusalem)
Comments
It's All Relative
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl
and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure
she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very
disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,
and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
black boy you were dating last year?"
Comments
Answering Prayers
"In the synagogue I heard men praying," said the boy. "It must be awfully
hard for G-d."
"Why?" asked the rabbi.
"The woodcutter was praying for cold weather, the fruit-seller for mild
weather, the farmer for rain, and the brickmaker for dry
weather. They are godly men. How does G-d know how to answer all their
prayers?"
"How is the weather now?" asked the rabbi.
"Dry and mild."
"And last week?"
"On Monday and Tuesday it rained. Thursday it was cold."
"See" said the rabbi.
Comments
Messages From Above
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign
(including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different
messages from G-d. This non-denominational campaign started in September
sponsored by an anonymous client.
1. "Need Directions?" - Gd
2. "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids " - Gd
3. "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - Gd
4. "We Need To Talk" - Gd
5. "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - Gd
6. "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - Gd
7. "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - Gd
8. "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - Gd
9. "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - Gd
10. "Follow Me." - Gd
11. "Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available." - Gd
12. "My Way Is The Highway." - Gd
13. "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test." - Gd
14. "You Think It's Hot Here?" - Gd
15. "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - Gd
Comments
A Second in the Life of G-d
by Simon Travaglia
...DoYouThinkICouldBeAllowedToStayUpLateCanYouMakeMeSomeoneElseCanIHaveANewCar
IfYouGetMeOutOfThisI'llBeBetterInFutureWhyWon'tSheNoticeMePLEASEHELPMEFINDMY
HOMEWORKIReallyAmSorrySoCanYouPleaseGetMeOutOfThisMessWhyDoesEveryoneElseGetIt
SoEasyWhileEverythingForMeIsSoDifficultPleaseLetHimNoticeMeCanYouUnbreakDad's
GuitarIfIPassThisExamIPromiseI'llGoToShulEveryDayForTheRestOfMyLifeCanYouMake
ThemStopPickingOnMePleaseLetMeGetOffWithASuspendedSentencePleaseMakeMeABetter
PersonCanIGetAPowerRangerForMyBirthdayAPromotionWouldBeReallyNiceAndIThinkI
DeserveItNotLikeGeorgeWhoNeverWorksForItAndDoesn'tReallyCareAboutTheCompanyPlease
BringHerBackToMeIWishTheyWouldJustDieButIGuessIShouldn'tHopeForThatPleaseHelpMe
SaveMoneyWouldYouJustGiveMeALittleMoreTime-There'sSoMuchIWantToDoWithMyLifeThat
StillIsn'tDoneWHYDOESTHISHAPPENTOME?PleaseLetHimKnowThatWeCareEvenIfWeForgetToTell
HimSometimesCanYouFindMyDog,ItMeansTheWorldToMeCouldYouLetMeWinTheLottery,EvenIf
It'sOnlyAHundredGrandOrSomethingAsItWouldReallyHelpMeThroughThisScrapePleaseDon't
LetAnyoneFindOutThatItWasMePleaseCanYouFindSomeWayForMeToGetANewBikePleaseCanYou
ChangeThePastSoThatItNeverHappenedAndNoOneGotHurtAndWe'reBackTogetherAgainLikeIt
WasPleaseCanYouMakeMeHappyWhyDiDYouTakeHimWhenYouCouldHaveTakenHisBrotherWhoWasNo
GoodToAnyonePleaseHelpMeFindMyChildWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOMEIT'SNOTFAIRPleaseCanYou
HelpThisJustBeOverAndDoneWithAsSoonAsPossiblePleaseHelpMeBeNotSoScaredPleaseMakeMy
BidTheSuccessfulOneCanYouJustFixThisUp,That'sAllIAskOfYouPleaseMakeHerNoticeMeAnd
RealiseThatI'mANicePersonWhereHasAllMyTimeGoneIDon'tFEELOldPleaaseMakeMeYoungAgain
PleaseCanYouMakeMeWinOnThisMachinePleaseCanYouHelpMeFindAWayToGetThroughThisPlease
LookAfterMyFriendNowThatSheNeedsSomeHelpPleaseCanIJustNotHaveSpentAllThatMoneyLast
NightPleaseLetUsBeFriendsAgainPleaseCanIHaveANewPlaceToLiveFixThisUpJustOnceMoreAnd
IWillNeverDoThatAgainCouldYouLetMeGetTheJobAndNotHerCanYouJustMakeAllTheHassleGoAway
CanYouPleaseMakeMomBuyMeANewPairOfNikesCanYouMakeThisYearSpeedUpSoThatIt'sOverWith
RealFastJUSTFIXITSOIDON'THAVETOGOAWAYAGAIN,INEVERMEANTTOHURTANYONECanIJustHaveSome
FoodForMeAndMyFamilyCanYouPleaseJustMakeItNotMalignantPleaseCanIWinThisRaceAfterAll
TheTrainingIPutInPleaseHelpMePleaseGrantMeAReprievePleaseDon'tLetMeHaveCancerPlease
LetHerSayYesCanIGetAllA'sForThisSemesterAndI'llWorkHarderNextTimePleaseDon'tLetMeDie
AloneCanIJustForOnceNotHavetoGoThroughAllThisAgainPleaseProtectMeNowMoreThanEverCanI
WinOneOfTheFreeTickets.....
Oh, Yeah, Thanks for that..
Comments
Brother - Can You Spare a Dime?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
Comments
While Jimmy Carter was in office he took an inter-religious
sebaticle. While in Rome, he had a private sitting with the Pope. While
in the Pope's office Carter noticed a gold phone in the corner. Carter
asked the pope what it was, he answered by saying it is a telephone to
G-d. The Pope asked Carter if he wanted to talk. So Carter picked up the
phone listened for a sec. and then smiled, "That was a truly incredible
experience!," he said, "Now what am I supposed to do? The Pope told him a
donation of $1000 is customary. Carter wrote a check, thanked the Pope
and left.
A few weeks later, Carter was in the Prime Minister of Israel's
office and he noticed a phone, nearly identical to the one in the Pope's
office. Carter asked him if it was a pone to G-d, also. The Prime
Minister told him it was and asked him if he wanted to talk. So Carter
picked up the phone, listened for a sec., and then smiled, "That was a
truly incredible experience!, Should I leave a donation?" "If you want
to," the prime minister said, "Put a couple of dollars in the collection
plate on your way out." Carter was confused. "In Rome I was asked for a
$1000 donateoin." "Ah, but that was long distance, " said the Prime
Minister of Israel.
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Comments
G-d Sues Man -- Claims 'Hurt Feelings'
HEAVEN -- G-d has gone on the offensive, launching a counter suit
against a Pennsylvanian man who sued the deity for ruining his life.
"I may be an omnipotent, all-powerful being, but I have feelings too,"
said G-d in a rare phone interview from Heaven. "And you don't want to
get on my bad side. As Supreme Beings go, I can be pretty vindictive."
G-d was reacting to a suit launched by Donald Drusky, 63, who blames the
all-powerful one for failing to bring him justice in a 30-year battle
against his former employer U.S. Steel. Drusky also wants G-d to return
his youth, give him guitar-playing skills, and resurrect his mother and
his pet pigeon.
"Defendant G-d is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
corrective action against the leaders of his church and his nation for
their extremely serious wrongs, that ruined the life of Donald Drusky,"
the lawsuit says.
"Yeah, well, I want the Red Sox to win the World Series, but it ain't
gonna happen," said an obviously angry G-d, as the sky rumbled. G-d's
suit calls for Drusky to cease and desist from blaming the Lord for his
problems, and keep at least 50 meters away from God at all times.
"And no more late night phone calls," said G-d. "I'm a busy deity. I
need my beauty sleep." Should the suit and counter suits go to trial,
G-d will likely choose to defend himself. "You know how tough it is
finding a lawyer in Heaven?"
Comments
Changes in Judaism through the Generations
by Ben Levi
The grandfather believes
The father doubts
The son denies
The grandfather prays in Hebrew
The father reads the prayers in English
The son doesn't pray at all
The grandfather observes all the festivals
The father observes Yom Kippur
The son does not observe any
The grandfather is still a Jew
The father has become an Israelite
The son is simply a deist
Comments
The G-dliness of Marriage
According to the Talmud, a Roman matron once asked a rabbi, "In how
many days did the Holy One, blessed be He, create the Universe?"
"In six days," he answered
"And what has He been doing since then, up to now?"
"He has been arranging marriages."
"Is that His occupation? I, too, could do it. I possess many male and
female slaves, and in a very short while I can pair them together."
He said to her, "If it is a simple thing in your eyes, it is as
difficult to the Holy One, blessed be He, as dividing the Red Sea."
He then took his departure.
What did she do? She summoned a thousand male slaves and a thousand
female slaves, set them in rows, and announced who should marry whom.
In a single night she arranged marriages for them all.
The next day they appeared before her, one with a cracked forehead,
another with an eye knocked out, and another with a broken leg.
She asked them, "What is the matter with you?"
One female said, "I don't want him."
Another male said, "I don't want her."
She forthwith sent for the rabbi and said to him, "There is no god
like your G-d, and your Torah is true..."
Comments
G-d Will Provide
A religious man lived a good live and always felt G-d had treated him
well. One day the water of a nearby river crested above the banks and a
flood began. While all his neighbors evacuated, he stood fast and told
them he wasn't worried, that G-d would provide.
As the water reached his roof, a man in a raft came by and told him to hop
on. He said no, that G-d would provide.
With the water now halfway up his roof a man in a rowboat came and
implored that the man come with him. He refused saying G-d would provide.
Finally a helicopter came and dropped a rope as the waters rose even
higher. He still stood fast at the top of his roof, insisting that G-d
would provide. The helicopter flew way, and soon the rising water carried
the man to his death.
At the gates of heaven the man asked G-d why he did not save him.
G-d replied, "What do you mean? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
Comments
G-d May Already Be a Winner!!
GOD MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!
BUSHNELL, Fla. - The other 20 million finalists might as well give up.
One of the gold-sticker-laden sweepstakes entry forms and magazine sales
pitches that show up almost weekly in most Americans' mailboxes has been
sent to God.
American Family Publishers sent its form, whose addresses and letters are
computer-generated, to "God of Bushnell" at the Bushnell Assembly of God,
a church in Central Florida.
"God, were searching for you. You've been positively identified as our
$11,000,000 mystery millionaire," the form read.
The fine print showed the Creator was merely a finalist but a letter with
the entry form lured Him to try his luck. "Imagine the looks you'd get
from your neighbors ... but don't just sit there, God, come forward now
and claim your prize," it read.
Bill Brack, the church's pastor, read some of the letter to his
congregation last Sunday. "I knew He was around here, but this, well, it
was a surprise," Brack told the Tampa Tribune.
He said he had not yet decided whether the church would enter the
sweepstakes. "God has $11 million," he said.
Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.
First Ed McMahon worked with Johnny Carson, and now, Dick Clark. And soon
he gets to present a check for $11 million to God. He's obviously lived
the good life.
Comments
The Gefilte Fish Story
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish
is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's
creatures. This explains exactly what a gefilte fish is.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate
New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the
surface, Frum fishermen set out to 'catch' gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal
fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard
bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe
thousands of years. For all we know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching.
I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing
doctor spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is
it done? Well, you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is
very important! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted.
You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say 'here boy, here boy.'
The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come in mass to the
edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong
and the weak. The weak are your standard fish, which are in a loose 'broth' (it
is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a
'jell.' These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are
caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that
'jell.'
Last year a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, 'Reb,
shouldn't they be saying `Here Boychic!' I didn't have the heart to tell him,
Boychic is a Yiddish word and gefilte fish don't understand Yiddish! Only
Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether
to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition,
shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still
insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of 'Here Boy' as Reform and
not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of Rabbis (who have to be
present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept 'here boy'!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim
is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides the fish know when Pesach
is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time.
I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which
the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a
small price to pay the luxury of eating this delicacy.
Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little
guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect
you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
Comments
The Generals' Baskets
Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs,
traditions, and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military
in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their
generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their correspondence:
"Sacred", "Top Sacred" and "OY, Don't Ask !"
Comments
The Online Book of Genesis
IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify G-d's ways to the 21st century.)
In the beginning there was the computer. And G-d said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:Hashem
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And G-d created Day and Night. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And G-d divided the waters. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And G-d created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And G-d saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Comments
Genesis 1
In the beginning G-d created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let there be light; and there was light. And
when there was Light, G-d saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had
made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
overtime were Tuesday.
And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise
all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land ,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for
instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
called Wednesday.
And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or
feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let
each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like,
whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and
feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.
And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species
competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and
some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d
was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them
to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And
he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters
beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating.
And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which
was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God
created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.
And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I
have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall
Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank Me it's Friday. And G-d made the
weekend.
Comments
Genesis: On the Light Side
from Lights in Action
The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...
In the beginning...
Well, let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what happened in the
beginning. So to avoid controversy, let's move on...
...and G-d said, "Let us make man in our image and likeness," And feminists
everywhere took offense at this, saying, "And what of woman?" at which
point G-d responded by creating woman as a "helpmate." And again, the
feminists turned their faces upwards toward the heavens and asked, "But
what of equality?" and G-d replied, "I understand where you're coming from,
but man isn't ready for that yet. Believe Me. I'm half woman."...
...And G-d made man and woman, both male and female made He them for male
and female both made did She, G-d, that is, in His making. (Check out the
text, Genesis 1:27. It really reads like this!) And G-d placed them in the
Garden of Eden. And G-d spake unto them, saying, "All of the bounty of the
Garden ye shall surely consume, save the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
"From the tree of knowledge ye shall not taste, lest my wrath grow large
and, well, it won't be pretty."
But Eve did eat from the tree of knowledge and so too did Adam. And it all
went pretty much down hill from there as one could expect...
...And the Lord spake unto Man and Woman, saying, "The ire of the Lord hast
thine irked." And did the Man and the Woman fall upon their knees and say,
"See, we never know when you're kidding." Still the Lord, being omniscient
and all, was not impressed and continued, saying, "Ye shall be banished
from the Garden of Eden and be forced to work the land in back-breaking
labor, or perhaps telemarketing." And they were banished to the land East
of Eden (later to be inhabited by their descendent James Dean)...
...and the couple bore two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain, being of the
field, was of the field. Abel tended livestock. And Cain madeth a sacrifice
unto the Lord, bringing him produce of the field (and some real
mayonnaise). And Abel too madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord. But G-d
accepted only Abel's offering. And Cain became enraged and stomped around
grumbling, "Good for nothing farshtunkiner Abel," and rose up and hacked
his brother to pieces. And G-d's voice shone down from the heavens, saying,
"Abel, oh Abel, wherefore art thine Abel?" And Cain responded, "Am I my
brother's keeper?" And G-d was irked for this was not Jeopardy and question
form was not acceptable. And the Lord lay down some severe punishments for
Cain, not the least of which was a career in telemarketing...
...And as the generations begat generations and they begat generations,
humankind filled the earth, and many people began to wonder what the word
"begat" really meant. And humankind became an abomination in the eyes of
G-d, for they respected not their fellows and did murder and did steal and
did plunder and did play bad 70's music... But Noah was a man of G-d. And
G-d spoke unto Noah, saying, "Build for thee an ark and take of every
animal and every fowl and every creepy-crawly two, both male and female,
onto the ark, for it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and lo, the
sewers shall back up." And speaking further G-d spake, "Warn the people of
the land and bid that they repent, lest the flood shall surely consume
them." And Noah warned and built, built and warned, and lo the rains came,
and the earth was submerged and the people drowned, save those that were in
the ark. And after 40 days and 40 nights, the rains subsided and Noah sent
out a raven to see whence there was land and
the raven went aflying,
spying for the land
thought lost forevermore
But Noah's patience was he trying,
for the earth was still not drying
for drying was not yet in store.
On the raven Noah stopped relying
And started on implying
that the Raven was not trying
- and you won't get this unless you've
covered Edgar Allen Poe in Lit 101 -
just a friendly warning -
not trying to alert him as he'd
bid him to before
so a dove was sent a flying
and some land-info supplying
supplying an olive branch
to prove there was now both sea and shore
and G-d promised..no floods.
Quoth the raven,
"Nevermore."...
...And yet again man rebelled against G-d and rose up as one to build a
tower to reach the heavens. And G-d said "Verily shall I bring a flood to
destroy the- Wait a minute. I promised not to do that any more, didn't I?
Darn!" And G-d smote the tower and dispersed man to the four corners of the
earth and unto every land bestowed a different language, saying "I shall
create diversity and multiculturalism and it shall be a bane and a plague
on their existence - up until the 20th century, when they will finally get
some use out of it."...
...Many generations later, there was Abraham. And Abraham saw the stars and
the sand and the home-shopping network and said, "Lo forsooth, what for!
All this could not have happened by itself. Thusly, all of the world's
bounty must come from one single source." (According to the Midrash - a
part of the Torah transmitted orally and later written down.) And Abraham
rode for many days on his camel, declaring, "Ho there, I have discovered
monotheism." And the Middle East Enquirer did pick up the story and quoth,
"Man claims: Aliens revealed to me there is but one G-d." And did the
stand-up comics of the day mock Abraham in their monologues and the people
laugh, saying, "One G-d? That idea will never catch on!"...
...And Abraham did many good deeds for the people, and his house was always
open to strangers, and he taught the men of the nature of G-d. And Sarah
did teach the women (for lo, co-education had not yet been invented)...
...And G-d spake unto Abraham, saying, "Go forth from the land of thy
birthplace, from the land of thy ancestors, from the land of thy home, in
which you dwell. Go unto the land which I shall tell you." Quoth Abraham,
"What, Uganda?" Quoth the Lord, "Go to Canaan." And speaking further, G-d
spake, "Behold, ye shall be the father of a nation more numerous than the
stars in the sky and this nation shall enter the land of Canaan and the
whole shebang shall be called Israel, save a portion of the south, which
shall sometimes be called Egypt." And Abraham and Sarah and Lot, his
nephew, packed their bags and moved to the Galilee...
...And Abraham was 99 years old when G-d spoke to him, saying, "I must have
a covenant between you and me, the Lord, your G-d. Take unto thee a knife
and clip thy foreskin as a covenant unto me." And Abraham did so, and spake
unto the Lord saying, "Ouch!" And Abraham wanted to invite men to his house
to show them good hospitality (for lo, the day was hot and none had left on
the air-conditioning). And Abraham was downcast and in pain. And G-d saw
Abraham's downcast visage and sent him three angels to be his guests. And
Abraham was no longer downcast, though still in pain. And the angels said
unto Abraham, "To yourself and Sarah shall be born a son, who shall be next
in the line of the Jewish people." And Sarah overheard this and laughed to
herself, saying, "Yeah, right" for yea, verily she was ancient and thought
it farcical. And Abraham also laughed and thought to himself, "Lo, methinks
childbirth to be more painful than a circumcision at 99 with no
anesthetic!"...
...Meanwhile, in other regions of the Middle East, it was, oh, how shall we
say it?, the best of times and the worst of times. There were these two
cities, Sodom and Gemorah. Whenever there came a visitor to these cities,
if they were short, they would be stretched, and if they were tall, they
would have their legs chopped off (according to Midrash - oral tradition).
And the Lord looked down upon Sodom and Gemorah and was want to smite them.
And the Lord spoke unto Abraham, saying, "I shall toast both Sodom and
Gemorah until they are little crunchy black ashes in the eyes of the Lord."
And Abraham could not bear to see them suffer and pleaded to the lord, "If
there be even 50 righteous men among them, may you spare the cities." But
there were not 50 righteous men. And Abraham did bargain with the Lord but
lo, there were not even 10 righteous men, and the Lord smote Sodom and
Gemorah. And the visiting angels said unto Lot, Abraham's nephew, "G-d
shall smite the city of Sodom in which you live. Quick, you must flee, and
your wife too. But lo, ye are only being saved on the merit of thine uncle,
who is in the G-d business, and the Lord hath forbidden you to witness the
destruction." But Lot's wife was weak and did turn around. And so, she was
turned into a pillar of salt (proving that you didn't want to mess with G-d
in those days 'cause if you did, you sure got some weird punishments)...
...And G-d blessed Abraham and Sarah with a son whom they called Isaac. And
G-d said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." And Abe said, "No way." And G-d said,
"Way." And Abraham's faith in G-d was complete. And he did take his son
Isaac, who was to be the continuation of his beliefs, and did bring him up
onto Mount Moriah, which G-d did command, and did set about to sacrifice
him to the Lord. And Isaac said unto Abraham, his father, "Well dad, you've
just spoken to G-d on High. What are we gonna do next?" And Abraham spake
unto his son, Isaac, saying, "We're going to Disney Land." And when Abraham
had bound his only son Isaac and had made ready the knife, a voice came
down from the heavens, saying, "Have you ever had the feeling that your
sacrifices weren't turning out quite right? Ever had a bunch of deities
over for dinner and had them refuse your offerings? Well, that's probably
because you're not using New and Improved Oscar-Meyer Non-Human sacrifices.
That's right, sacrifice cows, sheep, goats and fowl instead of your sons
and daughters. We've proven through a scientific study that the only G-d
that actually exists prefers Oscar-Meyer Non-Human products over the old
human variety 100 times out of 100. Here, try it now!" And lo, a ram
wandered out of the underbrush, and Abraham did un-bind Isaac his son, and
did sacrifice the ram in his stead...
...And when Sarah heard that Isaac her son, was to be sacrificed - for the
gossip columnists had swooped down on the story like unto a flock of
vultures - she went into shock, and didst die. And Abraham did return with
Isaac from Mt. Moriah and was forced to bury Sarah, his wife, and set his
eyes upon the cave of Machpelah in Hebron to be the burial site. And did
Efron, the Hittite, who owned the cave, quoth unto Abraham, "I shall make
unto thee an offer which thou canst not refuse, for lo, we are friends,
riiiight?" And he did set the price at 400 clams. Quoth Abraham, "Heck,
what's a little extortion between friends?" and he did buy the cave...
...And Isaac had grown long of years yet had not yet found a bride. And he
did put an ad in the "personals" section of the Canaan Jewish week, so
writing, (Single Jewish Male) "Intelligent, attractive, learned man seeks
wife open to new ideas, willing to give up idolatry, mother to be
progenitor of an entire nation." And after much time, Abraham decided that
lo, he must send someone to find Isaac a bride, and spake unto his
manservant, saying, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a
find, catch me a catch." And lo, the servant was indeed clueless as to how
to undertake such a thing and verily did he journey to a distant watering
hole and did speak to the bartender, saying "Rebecca, what fore have I to
do? I need to find for Isaac, the son of my master, Abraham, a bride. And
how might I do that?" And Rebecca said unto him, "Take thee a double, on
the house, and for thy camels too." And with that, he did jump up, saying,
"Rebecca, your small act of kindness has shown me it is you who should wed
Isaac, son of Abraham, my master," and so she did...
...And Isaac did know Rebecca in the biblical sense (as this was the Bible,
after all) and she did bear him twin sons, Jacob and Esau. And Esau was the
first born and was a hunter. And Jacob was a man of the book. And one day,
Esau did return from hunting and was so tired as to be termed "tired" and
did smell Jacob's soup and did say, "Jacob, wouldst thou be so kind as to
let me partake of your soup?" And Jacob said, "I'll trade ya my soup for
yer birthright as the firstborn." And lo, the deal was consume-ted...
...And Isaac was so long in years as to be, well, old, and lo, his eyes
couldst not see too well, and he knew that he would soon pass on. And
thinking that Esau would be the physical leader of the Jews, he called him
in to bless him. And Rebecca knew that Esau was worthy not of being part of
the Jewish people. And she did tell Jacob, "Tricketh thy father and wear
animal skin so he will think you are Esau, for Esau is hairy and your
father is blind as a bat." (Indeed, it was before the time of political
correctness and predated such terms as "visually impaired.") And while Esau
was out hunting, Jacob did tricketh Isaac as he did make himself feel hairy
unto Isaac, and did receive the blessing of the firstborn. And Esau
returned and the hoax was made apparent, and Jacob did flee for his life.
And Esau was verily ticked off, and still hairy...
...And Jacob journeyed toward the house of Laban and as the day drew nigh,
so did Jacob grow tired and was want to sleep. And Jacob put his head down
on a rock and thought, "Ooh, this is not too comfy," and commenced to
sleep. And dreaming a dream, Jacob dreamt, and there was a ladder that
extended to the heavens and angels ascended and descended. And G-d spake,
saying "Jacob, I shall be with you always, and ye shall inherit the land of
Israel, just as I have promised your father Isaac and your father's father
Abraham." And Jacob awoke, and was afraid and said, "I am afraid." And
Jacob placed there stones to mark the holy place, and they stayed for many
years and had many hit records, save the 70's which yea verily was their
bad decade...
...And Jacob journeyed thither (C'mon, we had to use "thither" at least
once.) unto Laban's house. And Jacob met Rachel, who was Laban's youngest
daughter. And Jacob said unto Lavan, "Thy daughter Rachel is fine of figure
and visage, and I wouldst like to wed her in holy matrimony." And Lavan
replied unto Jacob, saying "Ye must work for me seven years, doing many
things like chopping down a whole forest with a butter knife in a snowstorm
wearing only sandals, darning socks, killing livestock with thy bare hands,
knitting, and getting gas at the self-service island." Now Lavan did have
an elder daughter, Leah, and being that she was older, Lavan did decide to
pull a dirty trick on Jacob and put Leah under the veil in Rachel's stead.
And Jacob was mightily pleased, NOT, and did chase after Lavan, wielding a
very large and blunt goat, saying, "You dirty schnook!" And Jacob did work
for seven more years and did finally marry Rachel...
...And Jacob did love Rachel more than Leah, her sister. And Leah bore
Jacob four sons - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. And Rachel was barren,
and did give Bilha, her maidservant, to Jacob as a concubine. And she did
concube with Jacob and did bear two sons, Dan and Naphtali. And so Leah
gave her maidservant, Zilpah, unto Jacob as a concubine. (At this point, we
suggest that you set up a chart to make sense of all the names.) And Jacob
was very happy with all the women. And Zilpah bore two sons, Gad and Asher.
And Leah, bearing further bore Issachar and Zebulun. And Rachel prayed
mightily unto the Lord that she might be with child, saying, "Wouldst I
would be with child, oh Lord!" And the Lord looked favorably upon her use
of the word "wouldst" and she became pregnant and did bear a son, Joseph.
And Jacob and his family took this time to leave Laban, establishing for
posterity the notion that living with one's in-laws, while cheap, is too
annoying...
...And Jacob was worried that Esau still wanted to kill him. And Jacob sent
Esau many presents and several Hallmark cards bearing poems. And Jacob did
pray unto G-d. And an angel did descend from the heavens and did commence
to wrestle with Jacob. And Jacob did clobber the angel, though lo, the
angel did get in one good jab at his thigh. And the angel did change
Jacob's name to Israel for he had striven with both human and divine beings
and had prevailed (which is what Israel means). And dawn did come and
Israel did meet with Esau in peace. And no one is really clear on who this
Dawn character is...
...And Jacob was dwelling in the land of Canaan, in a province whose
mayor's name was Hamor (which, as providence would have it, means donkey in
Hebrew). Hamor's son, Shechem, did rape Jacob's daughter, Dinah and did ask
Hamor to arrange a marriage between himself and Dinah. And so Hamor did
approach Jacob, saying, "Have I got the perfect match for your daughter,"
and, speaking further, "What say all of your progeny wed from the daughters
of the land?" And Simeon and Levi agreed, as long as all the men wouldst
circumcise themselves. And the men didst circumsize themselves and lo, due
to the bad angle, they did horrendous jobs, and from then on it was decided
throughout the land that circumcisions must be performed by someone other
than the party involved. And on the third day, when the men were in more
pain than even giving birth to an elephant while eating molten lead with
chopsticks, Simeon and Levi killed all the males of the city, especially
Shechem and Hamor. (Don't ask how you especially kill someone)...
...And Jacob and his family continued to journey homeward and Jacob stopped
in Beth El and there did G-d speak to him, saying, "All that the angel said
shall be true. Ye shall be called Israel and I shall protect you always, I
am the Lord your G-d. Your descendants shall inherit this land Canaan, and
shall call it Israel, except for the northernmost part, which shall some
day be called Syria." And leaving Beth El, they journeyed to Bethlehem
where Rachel died in labor. But her son, Benjamin, did not die, and he was
the last of Jacob's 12 sons...
...Now of all his sons, Jacob loved Joseph the most. And Jacob made Joseph
an amazing technicolor dreamcoat. And the brothers did become seethingly
jealous. And Joseph did further damage his relationship with them, for lo,
he had dreams at night, and he would tell them to his brothers. And Joseph
dreamt that his brother's were 11 sheaves of corn, which bowed down to a
bigger sheaf. And Joseph dreamt that the sun, the moon and 11 stars did bow
down to him and these too were his family. And it did not take Freud and
Jung to interpret the dreams, which was fortunate as they would not be born
for thousands of years...
...And although the dreams represented truth, this did not deter his
brothers from despising him and hiding his yo-yo and putting ants down his
loincloth. And lo, their jealousy became greater and when they were out in
the field, the brothers did throw Joseph in a pit, where he would languish
until death. And Joseph did shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" but
there was no-one to release him. But lo, there passed a wandering band of
Ishmaelites, and the brothers retrieved him from the pit and sold Joseph to
them to be their drummer, for they were not really a good band and did not
realize that percussion was not Joseph's strong point. And the brothers did
tear Joseph's coat asunder and did taint it with goat's blood, and did
bring it unto Jacob saying, "Look what has become of our grumble mumble
brother Joseph." And Jacob did reply, "Ugh," and did faint...
...And Judah did seg into a subplot and marry the daughter of Shua, a
Canaanite. And Judah had 3 sons, Er, Um and Ahem. And Um and Ahem were
nicknamed Onan and Shelah, for when Judah spoke to them, it was as if he
were merely clearing his throat. And Er married Tamar, a woman. He died.
And Judah said unto Um (Onan) "Go forth and marry Tamar for she should not
be a widow nor should she be childless." And Onan said unto Judah, his
father, "Grumble brumble," and did make plans for the wedding. But Onan
refused to impregnate Tamar and G-d's anger was great against Onan and he
did smite Onan unto death for it was not right to waste human seed. And
Judah said unto Tamar, "Thou knowest what they say, third times the charm,"
and Tamar did consent to wait for Shelah to grow unto manhood and by and
by, Judah's wife did die, and Shelah did grow into manhood. And Judah did
not give him unto Tamar for a husband, fearing that she was a jinx. And G-d
did come unto Tamar in a prophesy, saying, "The Messiah shall come from you
and a member of the house of Judah" (Midrash). And Tamar did take matters
into her own hands. And she did don stiletto heals and a leather skirt and
much mascara and fishnets, and she did stand at a well-travelled fork in
the road. And Judah did come upon the fork in the road and, not recognizing
the woman as his daughter-in-law, did cohabit with Tamar. And Judah gave
Tamar his seal, his chord, and his staff as collateral until he could
return and pay her. And in 3 months time, the widow Tamar was found to be
the size of a small Chevrolet, for she was indeed pregnant. And Judah said,
"She is a depraved sinner, and should receive the most severe punishment;
Let her watch old Howard Cossell footage until she is nigh unto death and
then let her watch some more." And Tamar said, "The man who owns this seal
cord and staff is the father." And Judah realized that he had impregnated
his own daughter-in-law, absolved her, and tooketh the blame on himself...
...Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ishmaelites had taken Joseph unto
Egypt and had traded him unto Potiphar. And Potiphar's wife did draw nigh
unto Joseph, and did drop her hanky, saying, "Oh my, I have dropped my
hanky. Whatever shall I do?" and did make goo goo eyes at Joseph. And
Joseph's visage did commence to turn crimson and he did flee and Potiphar's
wife was frustrated and embarrassed, and spread rumors that it was Joseph
who was coming on to her. And Potiphar did throw Joseph in jail. And Joseph
did meet the baker and the butler of the Pharoah both. And the butler did
dream and did tell Joseph his dream, saying that he had seen himself giving
of wine to Pharaoh. And Joseph predicted that he would - get this - wait on
Pharaoh again. And the baker described a basket of bread perched on his
head, being eaten by swooping birds. And Joseph suggested that he smoke one
last cigarette and call a priest. And lo, Joseph's interpretations were
correct, and as the butler was leaving for his return to palace, Joseph
bade the butler make mention of his case unto Pharaoh. But lo, the butler
didst forget Joseph entirely, sending not so much as a greeting card around
the holidays...
...And Pharoah had two dreams and no one to interpret them. Suffice it to
say that there were seven skinny cows eating seven fat cows - and staying
skinny like unto the Slimfast diet plan, and seven decrepit ears of corn
eating seven lovely ones and also staying
Comments
What's a genius?
An average student with a Jewish mother.
Comments
Gentile Jokes
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket.
How much is it?"
The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you 're expecting me for
dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says: "OK."
Two Gentiles meet on the street.
The first one says, "You own your
own business, don't you? How's it doing?"
The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."
Comments
Gifts for Momma
Three sons of a Yiddishe Momma left their homeland, went abroad
and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give
their old mother.
Avraham, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
David, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys
reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. Momma just has to
name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"Avraham", she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only
in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Moishe", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has
shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas."
"But David", she said, "the chicken was DELICIOUS!"
Comments
JCN's Top 12 Rudolph Giuliani gestures to please Jewish voters
Inducts NYPD policemen on Mount Massada
Changes name to Rudy Golan
Recognizes Likud as the legitimate representative of the Israeli
people
Suspends alternate side of the street parking for Tu Bishvat
Promises job of schools chancellor to Shas, the ultra-Orthodox
Israeli party
Renames Washington Square to Baruch Goldstein Square (corner of
Waverly and Kahane)
Poses nude for Tikkun magazine
Dips the Big Apple in honey in Times Square on New Year's Eve
Institutes mandatory moment of kvetching in Public Schools
Changes name of city to Nu York
Bans Wagner from Lincoln Center concerts
Refuses to shake wife's hand because she's married to a gentile
The JCN Top 12 List is a regular feature of the Jewish Communication
Network, http://www.jcn18.com. Circulating this list without attribution and
our URL deprives your friends of the chance to sample our humor for themselves.
Comments
G'lilah
True story: Yesterday in shul a young mother volunterred for g'lilah.
When it was time, they called for the gollelet to come forward. Embarassed,
she responded from her seat on the floor,"Sorry, I've got a sleeping baby on
my lap. . . Could someone else possibly do the honor?"
To which someone else in the congregation called out, "Do we have a spare
tire [tie-er] here?!"
Comments
Grandpa's Pretzels
We were at the mall the other day, and grandma wanted
a pretzel.
But grandpa was outraged at the price. "When I was a
young, we could get two pretzels for a nickel!"
Grandma told him, "When YOU were young, they hadn't
invented pretzels yet! You must be thinking of matzoh."
Comments
Go Figure
A young man asks the rabbi about who is truly a wise man.
The rabbi says:
"Any dummy can be right 50% of the time. A wise man is right
60% of the time. Rabbi Rosenberg from Bialystok was right 75%
of the time. However, if someone is right 90% of the time,
it is very suspicious, and if someone is right 100% of the
time, he must be a bad, violent criminal man, and you should
avoid him like a plague".
Comments
Golda Meir's Troubles
When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were.
"I have many problems," she replied.
Nixon said, "Why? You are the President of 8 million, while I am the
President of 180 million."
To which she replied,
"You are the President of 180 million people, while I am the President
of 8 million Presidents."
Comments
Golf Club
Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he
orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club
with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door
unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the
driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you
out immediately!"
Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he
leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours...
Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by
two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number
eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I
shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters
separated and everybody knew..."
Comments
For Whom the Bell Tolls
About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a chapel
with wonderful sounding chimes. These very chimes had called parishoners
to service for many, many years. One wintery night there was a heavy
lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of lightening struck
the bells.
The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells. They
could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he knew of
a smith in a nearbye town. The only problem was that the smith was
Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work. They decided to let
the Jewish smith repair their bell. They lowered the bell into the cart
and had the ox pull the cart to the town. They introduced themselves
and identified the problem.
The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem!" Come back in a week and I
shall have your bell looking like new. A week had passed, the priests
returned and were shown their bell. It was beautiful! It looked as
good as new. The priests paid the man, put the bell back onto the cart,
took it to the church and with some help they hoisted the bell to the top
of the tower. It now joined the other bell that was still there.
The priests waited until Sunday to ring the repaired bell. Early in
the morning, it was time to summon the parishoners to prayers so one of
the priest took up the rope to the bells and began ringing the bells.
It was a beautiful morning and slightly cool in the air and throughout
the country side rang the beautiful sound of the bells ...
Goyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm.
Comments
Goyshe Kopp
After forty years of pious observance, the old man had had it. He told his
wife, "I’m tired of getting up early every morning to put on tefillin and say
the same prayers. I’m not going to do it any more. I’m going to turn
Catholic."
True to his word, he contacted a priest and began taking instruction in the
Catholic faith. After several months, he did indeed become a Catholic.
Next morning, as he always did, he got up early and automatically began to
put on his tefillin. "What are you doing?" asked his wife. "I thought you
turned Catholic so you wouldn’t have to do that any more."
"Oy!" cried the old fellow, smacking himself in the head, "goyshe kopp!"
Comments
G-d Sues Studio Over Movie Adaptation
By Tim
Casady
June 23, 1999. G-d has announced a lawsuit against Diznee Studios.
The lawsuit concerns the movie adaptation of Mr. G-d's seminal work,
"The Holy Bible." Until the case goes to trial, G-d seeks a court
injunction barring the movie from being released.
Samuel Dallas, a lawyer representing Mr. G-d said, "My client's
creative control over the work has been blatantly disregarded. My
client's wishes were that 'not one word may be changed' in the
adaptation from book to movie format."
Sandra Cummings, a spokesperson for Diznee Studios, defends Diznee's
adaptation. "The original manuscript had gratuitous sex scenes that
were unsuitable for family viewing. Diznee Studios makes movies for the
whole family. It is our standard practice therefore to edit out any sex
scenes from our screenplays."
Mr. Dallas charges, "This is censorship, pure and simple! My client's
manuscript has been mangled at the hands of this studio." But Ms.
Cummings replies, "Mr. G-d fails to understand the nature of our
business. Our right to revise the screen play as necessary was clearly
spelled out in our contract."
Michael Meckels, a movie critic who saw an advanced preview, offered
this insight. "Right from the movie's opening scenes, you know
something is wrong. Consider the original book. Adam and Eve started
off naked, then they started playing with fruit, and suddenly they had
to go have sex. Classic risqué humor. But look at the movie. Adam and
Eve are never naked. They eat rye bagels rather than kinky fruit. They
never have sex. They get their children Cain and Abel from an
orphanage."
George Williams, another movie critic, offers a different perspective.
"A must-see movie! I applaud the changes that Diznee made to the
script. In the original book, King Solomon had a bunch of women who
lived in his immoral harem. Filthy. But in the new, improved
screenplay, King Solomon is a wise bachelor who doesn't sleep around.
We need more 'family values' movies like this one!"
Walt Wilks, defense attorney for Diznee says, "Mr. G-d's lawsuit is
baseless. The judge will throw this case out of court." Asked why he
is so confident against a plaintiff as influential as G-d, Wilks
smiles calmly. "If we believe His claims, He is omniscient. Thus, He
knew from the beginning of time how Diznee would handle the screenplay.
The fact that He decided to go with Diznee anyway signifies that He
endorsed Diznee's handling."
G-d could not be reached for comment.
Comments
Guidance From Above
A man prays for guidance:
"Oh G-d -- What should I do with my life?
What do you expect of me?
What will happen to me after I die?
What is the meaning of life?"
For a while, Creation is silent.
Then a booming voice, sounding severely impatient,
shouts from heaven: "READ -- THE -- F A Q !"
Comments
Bush's Burning Question
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white
robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a
staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, "The last
time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
Comments
Henry Ford's Compromise
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh
Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry
Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a
remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry. "
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept
his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to
enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please
step inside Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees
in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push
the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air
started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the
automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And
there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air
Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name'
next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and
one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever
emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those
three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: HI --
NORM -- MAX.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drasha, Copyright (c) 1997 by Rabbi M. Kamenetzky and Project Genesis, Inc.
Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky is the Rosh Mesivta at Mesivta Ateres Yaakov,
the High School Division of Yeshiva of South Shore.
This list is part of Project Genesis, the Jewish Learning Network.
Permission is granted to redistribute electronically or on paper,
provided that this notice is included intact.
For information on subscriptions, archives, and other Project Genesis
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Comments
Hadassah in the Afterlife
A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily
dispatched to heaven. On their arival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let
them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would
just have to wait.
At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if
they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the
computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new
temporary quarters.
A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells
him that he must take the Hadassah woman off his hands. "What's the problem?"
G-d asks.
Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down
here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air
conditioning system."
Comments
Haikus for Jews
from Haikus
for Jews by David Bader
Jewish triathlon --
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.
The frost-withered fields
flecked with white chrysanthemums --
Bubbeleh, your scarf.
Shatner and Nimoy
observing Shabbos -- "Scotty,
beam up a minyan."
Shedding its wet skin,
the spritzing seltzer bubble
becomes a Buddha.
SJF seeking
eternal soul mate -- must be
a professional.
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.
Lonely mantra of
the Buddhist monk -- "They never
call, they never write."
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
In the ice sculpture
reflected bar mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.
The sparkling blue sea
beckons me to wait one hour
after my sandwich.
Cherry blossoms bloom.
Sure, it's beautiful, but is
it good for the Jews?
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Monarch butterfly,
I know your name used to be
Caterpillarstein.
Five thousand years a
wandering people -- then we
found the cabanas.
Comments
Half Jewish
My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with
a son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday,
during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear,
"Can we go home now?"
"Not yet", replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish."
Comments
The Mideast Solution
There is a solution to the mideast terrorism problem.
Somebody has to convince Hamas that the only way to have an
effective suicide bombing is with the full participation
of the membership.
Comments
Hard Times
During the Depression years of the 30's, when unemployment
zoomed out-of-control, the French Premier decided to give
all workers an extra day off to solve the problem, so Monday
was included in the week-end.
The French said: "This is great!
First Moses gave us Saturday.
Then Jesus gave us Sunday.
The Premier has given us Monday.
All we need is four more Jews."
Comments
Hassid in Birmingham
A Hassidic Jew from New York decides to try his luck in Birmingham,
Alabama. When he gets off the bus in Birmingham he notices that
all the kids are staring at him.
Not being used to being stared at,
he find this a bit unnerving so he turns to the kids and says,
"Watsa mattah? You nevah saw a Yhankee before?"
Comments
Wedding Announcement
as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor
When the nineteenth century Hasidic rebbe Levi Yizchak of Berditchev
sent out invitations to his son's wedding, he wrote that it would
take place in Jerusalem on such-and-such a date and time, but
"if, G-d forbid, the Messiah has not yet arrived, then the wedding
will be held on the same date and time here in Berditchev."
Comments
Hawaii or Havaii
A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in
an argument, though...
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's
pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband
abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that
we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I.
Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you
never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As the began to walk
away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"
Comments
Q: Why must a hazan (singer of a synagogue) be married?
A: So that his cries are authentic.
Comments
Phone Call for the Rabbi
A congregant calls his synagogue office, the receptionist answers the
phone, and he says "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"
She says "I am sorry but the Rabbi no longer works at this synagogue!"
He says, "Oh! I am sorry, I didn't know" and hangs up.
Next day he calls again, "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"
The receptionist tells him "Didn't I speak with you yesterday, the Rabbi
no longer works at this synagogue".
He again says "oh, ok" and hangs up.
This goes on for another week and he calls again and asks to speak with
the Rabbi. She Responds "Look didn't I tell you yesterday and the day
before, the Rabbi no longer works here, what part of it don't you
understand?"
He says "I know, I just like hearing it"...
Comments
Heavenly Memo
Memo to HaShem
From Gabriel HaMalach
On behalf of the Senior Management Group (SMG) and all the angels
in head office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh
Hashanah preparations as well as to provide you with our annual world
reports as per the SMG's performance contract.
Let me assure you that all preparations have been completed as
per your directions. The tshuvah committee in the Chosen People division
have been working quite hard to make this our best Rosh Hashanah ever.
Numerous improvements have been made since last year. All individual
appointments with you have been scheduled, including both your human and
heavenly subjects. Please do your best to keep to the schedule. To
better assist you, all personal files have been opened, and 5759
forecasts have been drafted for all of your human subjects, although they
may be revised at your discretion, should penitents achieve the
appropriate tshuvah thresholds (see tshuvah manual, policy 0202-04). Two
tanker trucks full of Din and Rachmonis are ready for your use as you see
fit. The Book of Judgment's software has been upgraded and Avraham
Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerable more RAM. We are ready
to assist as you require, subject to the work breaks stipulated in our
Collective Agreement. We have again hired Leviathan Caterers for your
annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, they are under your Kashrut
supervision.
Turning to the state of the world: as you know (of course), things
were extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to
stress that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form,
responsible for the following items this past year: the collapse of the
Russian ruble and banking system; world-wide stock market meltdowns;
delays in the Middle East peace process; the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr
episode; the movie "Spiceworld"; the return of bell-bottoms and the
Volkswagen Beetle; the entire Swiss Bank scandal; the Quebec secession
debate; the falling Canadian dollar; the Asian economic failure; America
OnLine; the Y2K Bug; Cuba; Iraq; North Korea; Bosnia; or Libya. These
are, of course, the sole jurisdiction of Chaos
Incorporated, our offshore competitor. As for the functioning of
your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to report that all divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, your Chosen People division
reports a record number of simchot and conversions, but regrets that
intermarriage is also way up. A special task force has been struck to
investigate.
The mitzvah department reports substantial growth in activity,
while unfortunately, the Aveiros department also reports substantial
growth. The Moshiach preparation department is extremely pleased to
report that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As
in every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval
and fiscal resourcing. Malach Resources division reports that a strike of
the Angels' union was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation
of the collective agreement.
As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work weeks
and 10 more minutes in Olam Habah, plus three weeks vacation, not to be
taken during yamim tovim. Of particular note is the early retirement of
the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long term disability
benefits due to wear and tear, which she attributes to the inflationary
pressure of payments and the conversion of many currencies from paper to
coins. We will be recruiting for her replacement shortly. The business
and accounting division reports a balanced budget, yet again, through the introduction of initiation and building fund fees for our newest members.
This was necessary to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments
for children's teeth.
In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We
seek your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or
proper supervision, and look forward to the coming year in serving you
with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah.
Comments
Hebrew Bugs
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner
and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers
and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I
was a wasp."
Comments
Jewish English or "Hebonics
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are
some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples
of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking"
becomes "valking"
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually
impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining" "algheady"
Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics:
Questions are always answered with questions:
e.g. Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun
has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used
for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains", turtle becomes
"shmurtle"
Sample Usage Comparisons:
Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase
"He walks slow" "Like a fly in the ointment he
walks"
"You're sexy" (unknown concept)
"Sorry, i do not know the time" "What do I look like, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out for the best" "You should BE so lucky"
"Anything can happen" "It's never so bad, it can get
worse"
Comments
Israeli Archaeological Discovery
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a
highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for
companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol
resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help
them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine
that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to
the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the
President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full
agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is
quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from
left to right, but from right to left......
Now, look again..... It now says :
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A** ON THAT BITCH!"
Comments
It's All In the Bible
Q. Where is an American automobile mentioned in the Bible?
A. Num. 31:1 - vayishb mimmenu Chevy.
Q. Where is a flat tire mentioned in the Bible?
A. Ps. 146:7 - tetze' rucho yashuv le-'admato
Q. Where is the State Lottery mentioned in the Bible?
A. Ps. 91:7-8 - Yippol mitzidkha 'elef urevavah miyminekha,
'elekha lo yiggash.
Raq be-'eynekha tabbit veshilummat resha'im tir'eh.
Comments
The Hebrew Geek Code
Version 2.1
by Robert Kaiser
Amaze your friends and family! Communicate volumes of information
about yourself with just a few letters! Give information to those
in the know, without anyone else being able to understand! All
this and more is possible when you use this list to create your own
Hebrew Geek Code (HGC), which you then put in your .sig file.
Have fun. Permission is granted to spread this everywhere, as
long as credit is given.
Example Hebrew Geek Code:
S+++ K++ TM M H+ T t SY+= & SY+++ M AT++ Te+/Te++ SC
-------------------------------------------------------
Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
A/B Means ranging from A to B
-------------------------------------------------------
Shabbat Observance
S--- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
S-- Of course. Every Sunday!
S- Not at all, or, "Shabbat - What's that?"
S Reform
S+ Conservative, will drive to shul
S++ Traditional, Orthodox
S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
Family Fa-- Intermarried - I sure do love Xmas!
Fa- Intermarried - but the children will
be raised Jewish
Fa.n/a Not applicable. I'm homosexual.
Fa.gm I'm gay AND I'm married.
Fa1 Not married - Single
Fa+ I married a Jew.
Fa++ I married more than two wives
at once. [Only applicable for
Yemenite Jews. Sorry :) ]
,c=# Where # represents the number of
children you have. Default = 0.
Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5
Tohorot Mishpacha TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't
(Family Purity) apply
TM- I'm a pagan
TM I'm mostly following the rules
TM+ Orthodox
TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
Moshiach M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the
Good Word?
M- Don't believe in it.
M Could be
M+ I believe with perfect faith...
M++ We want Moshiach now!
M+++ Watching the Rebbe's grave.
M++++ I am Moshiach
Kashrut K-- I only eat at McDonald's.
Also: What's kashrut?
K- Jewish in identity, not in practice.
Likely to eat ham and cheese, but
will say a bracha afterwards
K Very liberal kosher. Won't eat any Torah
forbiden species, won't mix milk and
meat. Will eat eat meat of a permitted
animal, even it not proeprly slaughtered.
K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed.
Two sets of dishes, etc. Add appropriate
strictures as necessary. If no codes are
added, lenient options are default for K+
K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative,
but unless codes are added, the stricter
options are assumed for k++
K+++ Satmar or Meshugge kosher.
ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
me Glatt not necessary.
mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
mi Will drink regular milk.
ge+ Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
unless with an Orthodox hechsher.
ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
Considered pareve.
wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
wi Will drink without a hechsher.
Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+
Hebrew Language H- Is 'Jewish' a language?
H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
H+ I even took it in college.
H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me'od, nu?
Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.
Talmud Knowledge T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance.
(Note: This category is especially useful for
apostates like Torquemada.)
T-- I'm a Karaite
T- Is that like Torah?
T Studied in Hebrew school
T+ Studied in college, competent to argue.
T++ Talmud Chochem
T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta.
Tribe: t Israel
t+ Levi
t++ Cohen
t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
t? Not sure (be real - this is most of us!)
How often do I AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
Attend shul? AT- Only for other people's weddings.
AT Regularly! Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom
Kippur, and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three
festivals), and occasional shabbats.
AT++ I go on Shabbat.
AT+++ And I lay Tefillin on weekdays
AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a
restraining order to keep me away!
What type of SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
synagogue do SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
I go to? -SY I don't go to shul
SY0 Reconstructionist
SY Reform
SY+ Conservative (whatever that means)
SY+= Conservative egalitarian
SYCh Chavura
SY++ UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative
SY+++ Orthodox
SY+++M Modern Orthodox
SY+++Y Yeshiva Litvak Right wing
SY+++C Chassidic
You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown below. If you go to
a shul that is different that your background, then just add a
comma after the shul type, and then add the background code. If
you don't put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
Nusach (What type of Jew am I? )
A Ashkenazi
Az Nusach HaAri
(This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is really a
Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.)
SE Sephardic (European)
S Sephardic (North African, Middle East)
SY Sephardic (Yementite)
ET Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
SI B'nai Yisrael (India)
Examples: SY+ SY+/A SY+/A,SE SY+,SE
Tefillin Te- What's that? Is it good to eat?
Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
Te++ Every day, or almost every day.
I'm a mensch! :)
Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them
off soon, they'll have to amputate.
Te.n/a Not applicable, I'm a woman.
Te!a Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for
women! Rashi's daughters wore them!
(For this, add appropriate + or - )
Shabbat Candles SC- I don't use matches. Only you can
prevent forest fires.
SC Been there, done that.
SC+ Every Shabbat.
SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they
will last longer.
SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
Add a 'W' for "My wife does that"
Example: SCW+, SCW ...
Festival Observance:
FO--- Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
FO-- Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
FO- Secular home
FO Somewhat Traditional - add the following
qualifiers as required:
s Go to a seder
m Light the menorah.
p Make noise and drink on Purim.
t Dance on Simchat Torah
su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
sL Can LEAD a Seder :)
co Count the Omer
hh Go to High Holiday services.
FO+ Full Observance - Reform
FO++ Full Observance - Conservative
and Traditional/Non-egalitarian
FO++= Same as above, but egalitarian.
FO+++ Strict Orthodox observance
FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but Israel Independence
Day, since Moshiach is not yet here.
Davening (praying) ability
D-- I daven Gospel.
D- What's davening?
D I know when to stand, sit and bow.
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart,
and can somehow make it through most of the rest.
D++ I can lead services
D+++ I can also read Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time
Pesach (Passover)
P--- Happy Easter!
P-- Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud!
P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly.
PC Everything except for the part about "Pour out
thy wrath"
P+ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
P++ I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in
with that arson category of Shabbos candles).
Tzedakah
Tz- I'm a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar?
Tz I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
Tz+ I actually notice when I give.
Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, UW, or SPCA, anything
but the PLO.
Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. :)
Tz++++ I'm a Rothschild
Egalitarianism Factor
E-- Don't touch that with your bare hands, it's a female!
E- uh...if a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome
with lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate
on his prayers...
E OK, OK, LET them wear tefillin and have women's prayer
groups, just keep them behind the mechitza! But they
don't count in a minyan.
E+ Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila
Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans.
E++ Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can
count in a minyan.
E+++ I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi /
I married a woman Rabbi.
E++++ I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.
Lashon Hora Factor
L----- I am Ricki Lake; Lashon Hora is my job.
L---- I am a talk show host.
L--- I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
a true weenie in front of millions of people.
L-- I write for check-out counter tabloids.
L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
L If you don't have something nice to say, than
don't say it.
L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard
Your tounge". A true mensch.
L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his
books, his commentaries, and the new interactive
CD-ROM.
L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium
debacle. A tzaddik.
(Note: People who choose this last option are
high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)
E-mail me additions that you think would be good
to kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu.
They might end up in the next version.
By Robert D. Kaiser (kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu)
with contributions from
Michael Turniansky (mt0013@epfl2.epflbalto.org)
Jonathan and Woody Anna Dresner (dresner@ccy.yamaguchi-u.ac.jp)
Wendy Morrison (HMTRAD@aol.com)
Yatzliakh Yisrael Abrahami (Yatz@intxtdoc.demon.co.uk)
Aaron Gross (aaron.g@ix.netcom.com)
Comments
Hebrew Phraseology???
by Alan Stillson
What would happen if one letter were changed in a loosely transliterated
Hebrew phrase? How would it change the meaning?
Slalom aleichem - greetings, all you Jewish skiers.
Am yisrael chat - the nation of Israel is engaged in conversation.
Char gadya - we'll have barbecued goat for Passover dinner.
Maoz tzar - the president of Russia will light candles this Chanukah.
Davis melech yisrael - the new king of Israel is thinking about
reestablishing the Jewish state in Oakland, CA.
Bum gali gali - the farmers are now too lazy to work.
Shea yisrael - the Mets are planning their first exhibition game in
Israel.
Java nagila - they're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.
Lo yissa goo - I thank G-d for not being born a blob.
Pa nishtana - the kids are too young to ask the four questions, so Dad
has to do it.
Tee chamocha - what golfer is like unto Tiger Woods?
LA tovu - how goodly are the tents of Los Angeles?
Shalom rag - peace to all our congregation members in the garment
business.
Key mitzion - the torah has been locked up.
Ham tzfardaya - Pharaoh wished he had a French chef.
Boray prez hagafen - let's toast the chief executive.
Al naharot bagel - we'll see if Babylonian cream cheese and lox is good.
Yerushalayim shed zahav - it's the most expensive storage container in
Jerusalem.
Nes gadol Maya sham - there was another great miracle in ancient Central
America.
Hamotzi lechem fin haaretz - a blessing for a tuna sandwich.
Chanukah lattes - strong coffee to go with strong potato pancakes.
Car mitzvah - if only the legal driving age were 13.
Chug gadol hayehudim - drink your beer fast while reading the Megillah.
Simchat torch - the Israeli Olympics will start after the high holidays.
Vianachnu … modem - we'll download the words to "Aleinu L'shabeach."
Comments
Hebrew School Musical Celebration
The local Hebrew School decided to observe Israel's 50th anniversary with
a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the
neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they
thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some
home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet
wine.
There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical
performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a
tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of
"Hatikvah" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man
seated next to her also had tears running down his face. "Isn't it
wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried
on by the next generation!"
"I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."
"So why the tears?"
"I'm a musician."
Comments
Henny Youngman
1906-1998
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made
chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I
park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He
said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
Comments
IN THE BEGINNING, G-D CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental inpact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, G-d appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the
earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep."
Then G-d said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
Pollution? G-d explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
fire.
Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
from the burning; 2) a seperate burning permit would be required; and
3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
dark half of the time. So G-d agreed to divide the Light and the
Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, G-d said, "Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of
double talk, but the Council tabled action since G-d would have to
first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land
Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits from
the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and G-d
said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed
would be used. About future development G-d also said, "Let the waters
bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action
since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission
coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audobonangelic Society.
It then appeared the everything was in order until G-d stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the
question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and enviromental impact statement, and then there would be
public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would
be granted.
G-d said, "To Hell with it!"
Comments
The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
by Paul Root Wolpe, Ph.D
University of Pennsylvania
At Hanukah or Purim in universities all over the country, academics
are invited to take part in the annual "Latkes vs. Hamantash Debate."
The purpose of the debate is to argue about which is the archtypical
Jewish food, Latkes or Hamantash. When invited to participate a
couple of years ago, I took my mandate very seriously. The job of
the sociologist is, after all, to uncover the hidden, to make
problematic the obvious, to explore the unexamined assumptions
underlying social convention. Therefore, after pondering the question
deeply for ten or fifteen minutes, I determined that a fundamental
flaw has been made in the choices of cuisine offered. Any true
historian of Jewish cuisine knows that neither the latke nor the
hamantash is the true, primordial, undisputed champion of Jewish
cuisine. No, there is a food more basic by far.
At first, foods like latkas, or hamantash, or matzo, for that matter,
come to mind. But why? We only eat these foods on particular holidays,
once a year. How can they be basic?
How about the three Ks -- kreplach, kishka, and knishes? maybe once,
but today we forswear them -- too much cholesterol.
Chulent, tsimmes or schmaltz? Too fatty.
A bagel with a shmear? That is almost as good as its gets, but there
is one better.
No, if we are what we eat, there is only one food that Jews have eaten
throughout time, and which sustained us through our most difficult
periods. The one food to which we owe our very nationhood.
And that food is: herring.
Yes, herring. Jews, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, are from the
Mediterranean basin, and there is not a country that borders on that
great sea -- European, Asian or African -- that does not eat herring.
In Northern Africa, Western Europe, and Eastern Europe it sustained us,
and if the oneg shabbat at my synagogue is any indication, it sustains
us still.
I remember the first time I encountered herring. I was about five years
old, sitting on my Zayde's knee. It was a Shabbat morning in Cambridge,
Mass, and my Zayde was having his usual breakfast before Shul: Some
herring in cream sauce on leftover challah, with a seltzer water chaser
sprayed into his glass from a bottle. He lovingly spread the herring
on the Challah, making sure to get plenty of cream sauce and onion, and
when he put it into his mouth, a little dribbled down his chin, which
he wiped with a finger and licked clean. I'll never forget that moment:
sitting there on Shabbat morning, secure in my Zayde's arms, watching
him eat that herring, I thought to myself: That's disgusting! That's
the most revolting thing I ever saw in my life! I'd sooner eat chopped
liver! Little did I understand at that point the central place of
herring in Jewish history and culture.
Let us turn to the sacred texts. Herring has always been at the center
of great debate among rabbis and scholars in the Talmud. Take, for
example, the eternal herring conflict: Herring in wine sauce, or
herring in cream sauce? Shammai took cream sauce, Hillel wine sauce,
and it was the subject of some of their most passionate debates. In
fact, it was during just such a debate that Hillel pushed some herring
in wine sauce at Shammai, encouraging him to try it. Shammai,
recognizing that the debate would never be settled, cried out the
traditional phrase used in the Talmud to indicate an argument is a
draw: "taku!" he exclaimed. "You're velcome!" replied Hillel.
Herring also was prominently featured at another dramatic debate between
the two men. In the greatest fish story of the Bible, Jonah is
swallowed, as you will recall, not by a whale, but by a dag gadol, a
big fish. Hillel insisted that the fish was a herring. Shammai, on the
other hand, insisted that it was a sturgeon. Hillel made a passionate
plea for the herring, noting for example, that the lowly sardine is in
the herring family, while from sturgeon we get that most expensive of
foods, caviar, and since Jonah was simple man of the people, God would
not have sent a sturgeon to swallow him. Hillel almost had the rabbis
won over, when Shammai produced a fisherman holding a typical, 12 inch
herring. "Could this have swallowed Jonah?" he asked incredulously.
Then, in one of the most dramatic moments in the entire Talmud, Shammai
flung open a curtain, behind which was a 20 foot, 2,000 pound sturgeon.
"This could have swallowed Jonah!" he proclaimed, to the applause of
the Rishonim (the Achronim were late, as usual). It seemed Hillel was
sunk. However, never underestimate Hilllel, the man who said "If I am
not for myself, who will be for me?" and convinced others that this was
profound. He casually plucked a grape from a nearby fruit basket, and,
holding it up for all to see, asked in a meek voice. "You see this
grape? It is a tiny thing. A simple man could carry hundreds of
grapes." His voice began to get louder. "Yet the Torah tells us that
when Joshua sent spies into the land of Canaan, it took two of them to
carry back a single cluster of grapes. How big were those grapes? The
size of an olive? Hardly. The size an etrog, perhaps? No, even more,
even more." Now Hillel was shouting. "They were undoubtedly at least
the size of Shammai's head! And if the Ribbono Shel Olam could make a
grape the size of Shammai's head, he could make a herring the size of a
sturgeon!" Rashi comments that, shaken by this defeat at the hands of
the master, Shammai retired to Natanya and opened a shwarma stand.
The Torah itself often speaks of herring. Note this excerpt from Song
of Songs, the famous passage known as the "Psalm of Psolomon the
Pseaman":
"I cast my net over the waters, and the catch is good.
Yea, my lovers' lips are like twin herrings,
pan-fried and drizzled with lemon butter.
I will serve them on endive leaves;
I will garnish them with goat's cheese and sprigs of parsley.
Verily will I feast upon them,
first carefully removing the bones."
Who can forget how herring saved the entire Jewish population of Albania?
It was over 500 years ago when Zog, the King of Albania, decreed that --
although some of his best friends were Jewish -- all adult Jewish males
in Albania would have to have their foreskins reattached. The head
Rabbi of Albania, knowing the King's claim that he could solve any
riddle, made an offer: he would tell the King a riddle, and if the
King could not answer it, the decree would be revoked. The King agreed.
The Rabbi asked that famous Jewish riddle: "What is purple, hangs on a
wall, and whistles?"
The King retired to his chambers for six days and six nights, but he
could not solve the riddle. Finally, in exasperation, he summoned the
rabbi and admitted: "I cannot answer the question. What IS purple,
hangs on a wall, and whistles?"
The rabbi replied: "A herring, of course."
"A herring?!" shouted the King. "A herring isn't purple!"
"Nu, so this one was painted purple." replied the rabbi.
"But a herring doesn't hang on the wall!" said the King.
"Nu, so someone hung THIS one on a wall."
"But herrings can't whistle!"
"So nu, then it didn't whistle." proclaimed the rabbi.
Unable to defeat the logic, the King revoked the decree.
In his monumental, 28-volume work, "Herring and the Jews," the noted
herring expert, Doug Maluach, develops the idea that herring is a
metaphor for Jewish existence, signifying the unity of the Jewish people.
Maluach tells the following tale about how the Ba'al Shem Tov first
became famed in the Jewish community. A rival rabbi, the "Ba'al
Na'alyim Tovim", as he was known, challenged Shem Tov to explain how
Hashem could create Jews of so many different types. How could Hashem
create Sephardim, he asked, who actually ate rice on Passover and talked
funny, making no difference between the letters "Saph" and "Taph"? The
great Hasidic Master commented: "There is herring in cream sauce, and
there is herring in wine sauce; still, the essence of each is herring.
So, too, there are Sephardic Jews, and there are Ashkenazic Jews, yet
the essence of each is their connection to the Torah. The rest is just
sour cream and onions."
Herring's metaphorical properties go deeper than Hasidic anecdotes,
Maluach points out. Herring is pareve; it fits in with any meal, just
as the Jews scattered throughout the world fit into many different
countries. All around the herring are the dangers of the deep -- the
shark, the barracuda, the jet ski. Still they survive. And, like the
Jew, the herring understands the importance of keeping their children
in schools.
Need I go on? Herring and the Jews, the Jews and herring -- it is part
of our souls, not the food of special occasions, not the latka of
Hanukah or the hamantash of Purim, but the Jewish manna, the food that
has sustained us day-to-day. A famous Jewish man, Mel Brooks (all
right, he intermarried, but who are we to judge?), once commented: "We
mock the thing we are to be." And now I find myself, every Shabbat
morning, spreading my herring in cream sauce on challah, and licking
the dribblings from my fingers. My kids absolutely refuse to watch me
eat it. And that, Haverim, is how it should be.
Comments
The Jewish Origin of High Tech
Q: What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the
Computer Age:
A: Hertz Edition
Q: What is the large print copy called?
A: Mega Hertz Edition
Q: What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A: Mega-lith Edition Chumash
Q: How are they now distributed?
A: As freeware: the five disks of Moses.
Q: What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge
that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
A: "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.
Q: Why do we blow the shofar on the day of rememberance?
A: To recall the original ram memory.
Q: Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A: Every keyboard has a scroll key.
Q: Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A: Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been
talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...
Comments
Hilkhot Oreo
Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S.
troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, in-
creasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the
really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change
the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless
we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The
Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commit-
ment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos,
we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications
of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of
rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and
outcome- based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune
details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain
order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For
example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on
the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and
finally tie the right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are
beyond the ken of the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists
to divine their significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting
decree seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.
This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic
Oreo-eating. Which should come first? A straightforward bite into
the whole cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves
and concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white
represents purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then
perhaps one should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer
hatov triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best
for last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers,
the Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)?
Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all
it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the
intact cookie, representing the real-world mix of good and bad, light
and dark, moderation versus extremism.
A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the
Hebrew form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated
as "my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos
takes on the Ashkenazic pronounciation, it may also be interpreted
Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to favor
the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to check with
your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes the question
of which blessings to say. 'Borei minay mezonos' seems the obvious
choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume the white creme
center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way to go, followed by a
'mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)
Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a
'shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that the
creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's Oreo,
does the 'shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme center
suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the shaylos it
presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust, by exercising
control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having control over us.
Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union has given Jews the
opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing on kosher Oreos, and
raise it to a whole new level of holiness.
We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of
ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the
permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).
Comments
Da' Jewish Vote
Responding to reports that Hillary Rodham Clinton's quest for
a Senate seat from New York improved after it became known that
her stepgrandfather was Jewish, New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has
acknowledged that his second cousin's third wife once rode in a
cab driven by a Jewish driver.
"Rabbi Rudy!" trumpeted the New York Post the next day. The
mayor's favorite tabloid featured a two-page spread on Hizzoner
wearing various yarmulkes, speaking in shuls, and praying at the
Western Wall during a visit to Israel. An editorial proclaimed
that Giuliani, an Italian Catholic, "is just as Jewish in our
book" as Mrs. Clinton, who is Methodist, and expected rival for
the Senate seat "Anyone who disagrees with us," concluded the
editorial, "we'll personally give a smack in the tuchus and
wouldn't that make the mayor proud."
In Washington, political observers scoffed at the effort by New
York politicians to ingratiate themselves with the city's large
Jewish population. "It's blatant pandering and voters see right
through it," said a spokesman for Vice President Al Gore, who
also dropped the news that the presidential hopeful once roomed
in college with a young man whose aunt briefly dated a Jewish
dentist.
"I mention it only because it happens to be true and people are
interested in this kind of information," said the spokesman,
adding that while visiting in New York in early 1991, Gore had
enjoyed a large piece of Halvah .
"That's got to give Al a huge bounce in the polls in New York,"
exclaimed Martin Peretz, publisher of the New Republic and
longtime supporter of the Tennessee Democrat "These attempts by
politicians to appeal to Jewish voters by eating Jewish food and
using Yiddish words is ludicrous," Peretz said, noting that less
than 3 percent of the U.S. population is Jewish. "But Al was over
the house the other night for dinner, and insisted on a corned
beef sandwich and a seltzer. And when I brought it to him, he
said,"ah gezunt af dein keppel."
Former Sen. Bill Bradley, who is competing with Gore for the
Democratic presidential nomination, said he would not stoop to
target his campaign toward Jewish voters, despite the fact that
they go to the polls in disproportionately high numbers.
"Look, I'm a Rhodes scholar," Bradley explained,"and I know that
Jewish people appreciate and admire intellectual achievement, and
they would kvell if they knew my SAT scores or grades at
Princeton. And I also know that Jewish people are obsessed with
knowing which famous people are Jewish, whether it's movie stars
or famous athletes or politicians, but I'm running a different
kind of campaign, and I'm just not going to get into that stuff.
So I won't even comment on the fact that my campaign treasurer's
economics professor at Columbia once used a Jewish accountant.
And it's irrelevant that the accountant's wife belonged to
Hadassah."
Campaigning in Houston, Gov. George W. Bush, the Republican
presidential front-runner, cut short a speech in Spanish to a
largely Hispanic audience to ask directions to the nearest
synagogue.
When asked why, he said he did not want to look like he was
engaging in the reprehensible practice of catering to Jewish
voters, so he could not explain. But he did note a moment later
that "my wife's manicurist's therapist's uncle died this morning
in Brooklyn, and I thought it would be appropriate to stop in to
a synagogue and recite the traditional kiddush."
Later, when asked if he meant the Kaddish prayer recited for the
dead rather than the blessing over wine, Bush appeared annoyed.
"Hey, I know about Jews and all their sensitivities. I read the
Old Testament, I learned plenty in the Holy Land, I visited the
Wailing Wall and saw where our Lord walked. And I kibbutzed
around with folks on a kibbitz. So don't go there."
In New York, the Anti-Defamation League issued a statement
decrying the "growing hysteria among our political leaders to try
to please Jewish voters who are far too sophisticated to fall for
such crass attempts." The ADL called it "reverse anti-Semitism,"
and said if necessary, American Jews will take to the streets to
insist on a society that is fully democratic. "We won't tolerate
anyone, including powerful politicians, being too nice to us,"
said ADL leader Abe Foxman.
Rabbi Avi Weiss of Riverdale announced immediate plans to chain
himself to the next politician who emphasizes his or her Jewish
ties. "It pains me to take action," said the activist rabbi as he
donned his tallit, "but we simply won't take this standing up."
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton issued a statement chastising the
press for creating such a fuss in the first place over the fact
that her grandmother had been married to a Jew. She said any talk
of her leaking this information to improve her standing in the
Jewish community was "absurd."
She then left for Western Maryland with her husband where they
planned to rename their presidential retreat "Camp Star of
David."
Comments
Hillary's Attempt at the Jewish Vote
Did you hear about Hillary's latest attempt to endear herself to
New York Jews?
She went to a service, lit the candles
on the menorah, blew them out and made a wish.
Comments
Hiring a Cleaning Lady
The Goldfarbs had finally made it through hard work, frugal living,
and sound investments. Mr. Goldfarb always promised his wife that
when they reached such a point in time, he would let his wife enjoy
more leisure by hiring a cleaning lady.
Weeks and weeks went by, but she hadn't hired one. "Irving, it almost
seems that nobody wants to be a cleaning lady anymore! I wish this
were 100 years ago when it was easy to get servants."
"No you don't, Sadie. A hundred years ago, WE wouldn't be hiring
servants, we would BE the servants."
Comments
Room and Board
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated
herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with
the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein,
and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the
Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his
hotel!"
Comments
How to Find Your Bashert
by Martin Bodek
Does dating have you in a bog?
Does dating have you in a quagmire?
Does dating have you in a swamp?
Does dating have you repeating sentences that mean the same thing?
Well then, practice my new Bashert-finding method and your
spirits will rise in no time! This fantastic new process is
called the Process of Elimination! Now then, let the process begin!:
There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.
3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels,
seraphim, aliens,
creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves
6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date! See? We've
eliminated 99.9999998157% of the playing field already! Finding
your bashert should be a cinch!
Little known fact: Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the
world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you
can pick from. Now then, of the 13,000,000 Jews available,
I'm going to assume that 50% are not quite the gender you're
looking for, that leaves 6,500,000. Wow! It's narrowing
quickly!
Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already
married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate
2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.
Getting there, getting there.
There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular
order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox,
Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians,
and Young Israelites. That's 9 categories. There are more, but
I'm too lazy to list them all. Since no one should be dating
outside of their category - lest they suffer spite from community
gossips - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves
240,740 people.
4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds,
transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent.
Now we have 48,148 left over.
3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037
people.
2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50
miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.
Half of those are waiting for
love to find them, they can wait. That leaves 2,006 people.
6 Jews are too uh, frugal to pay the ridiculous tolls.
Their loss. Of the 2,000 people left over, you
will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them
to you. 500 people are left over. Let's assume that 500 is the
maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire
lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever
go out with, 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with,
50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told
them not to go out with you, 50 you won't go out with because
some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them, 40 are
too Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black-Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey,
40 aren't Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey
ENOUGH, and 10 simply giveyour mother a "bad vibe."
Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person
will ever date. Of these 200, 9/10ths will reject you, and you'll
never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason.
100 left, we're almost there.
Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what
to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude,
10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to,
10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered,
10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't
approve of.
Only 10 left! Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with,
1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular
reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.
That leaves your bashert, your soulmate, your lifepartner.
He/she's just around the corner! Go get him/her!
Comments
How To Find Me
"It was so nice to meet you! If you are ever in Odessa, please come and
visit me, I'll be glad to see you again!"
"But what's your address?"
"Nothing can be easier! You know the main street in Odessa, De Ribas
Street? So you walk straight from its beginning and make the second
turn to the left. Go ahead and enter the first big ark to your right.
You'll be in a big yard surrounded by apartment buildings. Yell:
'Rabinowitz!!!' You'll see faces looking at you from all the windows
except one! This is my window. Because my name is Shapiro. "
Comments
How to Straighten a Dog's Tail
A step-by-step approach.
Step #1: Straighten Dog's tail using your left hand and hold it like that.
Step #2: Using your right hand, insert the tail into an iron pipe.
Since the tail is inside the pipe now and the iron is not
flexible, the dog's tail lies straight, inside the pipe!
Step #3: Leave the dog like that for 52 long years.
Step #4: After 52 years, release the dogs tail by removing the iron pipe.
Step #5: Now, observe the dogs tail curl right back to its place!!
Moral: Do we still need to hold talks about land for "peace"?
Comments
How Are You Going to Save the Village?
During the Yom Kippur War, five hundred Egyptians besieged a smal village
defended by twenty Israelis armed only with a few revolvers. Somehow radio
contact with the villagers was made.
"How are you going to get out of this?" asked a journalist.
"G-d has always helped us, he will help us here as well."
"And what if He is occupied elsewhere?"
"In that case, only a miracle could save us."
Comments
Owner of Record
It's the yahtzeit (anniversary) of Herman Mendelbaum's
death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to
the cemetary to recite a prayer over his grave and place
a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the
deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetary, but it being a while since
she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor
Herman's grave site.
Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her
to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records
are kept.
Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the
widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman
Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a
Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in
my name."
Comments
I am Nothing
Yiskor service, and the Rabbi looking heavenward, passionatly
proclaims "Dear G_d, I but a speck on the ocean of your
countenance, I am nothing!"
The Cantor, seeing the rabbi, and not to be undone chants
"Dearest, omnipitant G_d, among your unworthy flock, *I* am
least worthy. I am nothing."
Finally, the Shamos being devout looks skyward and utters,
"Dear G_d, I am your lowliest servent, unworthy of
consideration. I am nothing."
Whereby the Rabbi looks at the Cantor with a smirk and
whispers, "NOW look who thinks he's nothing!!"
Comments
If Elian Gonzalez Was Jewish
A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being
set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh .
The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt
to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the
S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean
waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly
pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)".
Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to
Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever.. There, he was
turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim
Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg. He moved
into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.
Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in
Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of
a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He
then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was Friday
night, he walked to Miami.
However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in
Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis
lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the
authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away!
Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a
nice girl". Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away
because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played
"Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.
When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who
warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He
responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!".
The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read
"LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.". Talk shows posed questions like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What if an American boy was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami? Guess how much I paid for this? It was ugly.
The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because
she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a
toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been
in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue
operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the
house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the
area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a
Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running
like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors
poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but
they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they
entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had
poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed
only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was
taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his
waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.
Comments
If G-d Had an Answering Machine ...
We have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of modernization. But what if G-d decided to install an answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling Our Father’s House. Please select one of the following four options:
Press # 1 for requests.
Press # 2 for thanks.
Press # 3 for complaints.
For all other inquiries press #4."
What if G-d used the familiar excuse: "All the Matriarchs and Patriarchs are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call upon Him in prayer?
"If you would like to speak to Abraham, press 1. For Jacob, press 2. For Rachel, press 3. For Deborah, press 4. For any other Matriarch, press 5. For any other Patriarch, press 6."
"If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 7."
"To find out if a relative or friend is here, press the letters of his/her name , press # ,enter his/her date of Yiskor and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at Our Father’s House, simply press the letters M-O-S-E-S, followed by the numbers 6-1-3."
For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, the location of Noah’s Ark, wait until you get here."
"Our computer shows that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."
Comments
Things That Would Be Different If
Israel Bought Microsoft
The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh,
maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to
download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software"
division.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Verklemmt".
No changes in the legal department.
No charges in the medical department
Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
The phone support department would now feel very guilty about
leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be
able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of
high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not
getting any younger] button.
"Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear
that".
Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already"
During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies".
Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
"Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little
bit of that".
When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
Error messages would become a lot funnier.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
loud "Oy!!!"
"Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
"Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in
with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on
your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to
sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
"Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before
desposing of it.
The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or
"The Knish Knetwork".
Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games,
but they would be able to handicap the games better.
There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network
neighborhood" icon.
56,000 bps matzahs.
Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
Windows certified "100% pork free".
"Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
2 words: Virtual Spielberg
Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is
replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and
"Tel Aviv".
Comments
If Jews Were on Star Trek
by Jim Rosenberg, June 14, 1995
Just when I thought it was dry season for column ideas, I found the
following announcement of a new Internet mailing list:
"Trek-cochavim is an unmoderated discussion list for those who
want to discuss the Star Trek world from a Jewish perspective.
Some ideas for discussion include tips and suggestions on roles
Jews would have, and different ways plots could have developed if
Jews had been present in the series."
Well, have no fear because Rabbi Jim is here. It is with great joy that
I proceed to answer the question I had no idea anyone was asking: what
if Star Trek had been created by Gene Rodden*berg*? Let's not waste
another precious column inch wondering.
Star Trek: The Wrath of Cohen
*What roles would Jews have?* A Jewish crew would change old characters
and offer new ones. Scotty would be replaced Morty who would respond to
the Captain's demands for more power with a feisty "Oh, Mr. High and
Mighty Captain wants warp power, does he? Well, perhaps if you'd bought
those overstocked dilithium crystals from my brother-in-law we wouldn't
be in this mess!" I see some new roles: Dr. McCoy's unmarried sister;
Spock's brother who is dead to him for marrying outside the species;
Kirk's agent for endorsement deals back home "When a Starship Captain is
irregular, there's no time to slow down ..."
The Mr. Spock role could be turned on its head. Instead of a perfectly
logical being, it could be a manic depressive, Howie Mandel type.
Imagine turning to your No. 1 for counsel in a time of crisis -- never
knowing if you'd be met with a jittery, flustered ninny or a
tranquilized, depressed corpse. "Mr. Schmuck, the alien ship will have
full weapons capability in 25 seconds. Formulate options." "What's to
formulate? He wants me to formulate? There's no formulate -- we're
dead, dead, dead!"
In the role of the empathic Celestial Shrink, Fran Drescher ("The
Nanny") would play Counselor Oy! I doubt she'd agree to wear one of
those low cut unisex filling station style jump suits, though. She would
definitely replace the communicator badge with a gold broach, which is
just as well, because with an all Jewish crew, everybody would be
yelling at each other and no one would be listening anyway. In
emotional therapy sessions, Counselor Oy! would pull out a tissue and
sob "whenever you talk about your husband being eaten by the five-legged
wolves of Canker 6, I get so verklempt. Your time is up for today."
*What different ways would plots have developed if Jews had been present
in the series?* Well, for one thing, no Jew would have been the lone
Security Officer on a dangerous "away team." Those guys routinely get a
phaser blast to the noggin inside of a minute, and Jews are nothing if
not observant. Upon hearing "Ensign Glickstein, you're with me," the
likely response would be "Captain, I would like nothing better than to
be with you on this important mission. However, I feel I must point out
to you that it was I who just recently swept for mines on Montaldo 4.
Knowing how fair and just you are, I am certain you will wish to take
Ensign Anglo on this mission."
Undoubtedly, the Enterprise would be a more fun place. There would be
mah jongg in Ten Forward for the ladies, and a 24 hour gin rummy game
going in the mess hall ("yes you did -- I *saw* you cheating!"). Even
in the next century, I'm sure the prejudiced and paranoid will still
believe that Jews control the entertainment industry. It will just fuel
that fire when Captain Picard announces "Ladies and Gentlemen of the
Crew, your Captain is proud to present, in cooperation with Don Kirshner
IX, the Senior Officers, the Enterprise Alumni Association, and the
Terran Arts Council ... the celestial magic of Mr. David Copperfield.
If you will activate your stern viewer screens, you will witness Mr.
Copperfield attempt to make Menorah 6 disappear!"
With Jews on board the Enterprise, the job of Communications Officer
would be much more difficult. "Captain, I'm receiving *another*
subspace message from your mother. She wants you to stop at Sourpuss 6
to meet her friend's niece." "Lieutenant, please take us into the
Matzoh Nebulae." "But Captain, the nebulae's magnetic field will
interfere with all radio transmissions." "Take us in, Lieutenant --
take us in!"
Of course, the biggest change would be to the Prime Directive. Up to
now, this guiding principle governing all Star Trek explorers has been:
"do not interfere with alien cultures." This would have to be reworked
slightly to something like the following: "The United Federation of
Planets knows what's best for you. Eat, study hard, eat some more, and
you'll do just fine." End Transmission.
Comments
Impeachment Trial Will Infringe on Sabbath
by Melissa B. Robinson
WASHINGTON (AP) -- It's no fun to work on the weekend, especially when your
job is to sit in silence, listening to lawyers argue for removing the
president from office.
But for Sen. Joseph Lieberman, D-Conn., the Senate's only Orthodox Jew, this
weekend's task is complicated further by the Sabbath, which begins at sundown
Friday and ends at sundown Saturday.
"It's obviously not going to be the kind of Sabbath I normally like to spend,
but I think we can, you know, work it out," said Lieberman, who won't answer
the phone, ride in an elevator or turn on a light during the Sabbath
observance.
Yet, Lieberman says his responsibility as a juror in President Clinton's
impeachment trial comes before his personal preferences, even in matters of
religion.
"In this case, the continuing pursuit of justice takes precedent, and
therefore, without any hesitation, I'll be there," Lieberman told reporters
this week.
House prosecutors began arguing their case against Clinton on Thursday. Their
presentation is to last three days, after which the Senate is to recess until
Tuesday. At that point, Clinton's lawyers are to open their arguments.
For observant Jews, the Sabbath generally means attending services at a temple
and spending time with family. The use of mechanical and technological devices
-- even toasters and pencils -- is shunned, and work is to be avoided.
When he must work on the Sabbath, something that happened less than two dozen
times in his 10 years in the Senate, Lieberman makes allowances.
Sometimes, he takes a hotel room on Capitol Hill; but he's also been known to
walk from his home, several miles away, sometimes accompanied by a Capitol
police officer for security. At work, he takes the stairs. He won't write, but
he'll vote by voice.
"I've found it possible to go and not violate any of the particular
prohibitions that I accept on myself on the Sabbath," he said.
The impeachment trial, actually, could prove more accommodating than other
sessions. Senators are required to sit silently throughout the proceedings.
They've been asked to turn off all beepers and cellular telephones.
Comments
Chinese Jews
There were a group of New York Jews touring several cities in China. One
day in Beijing, they happened down a side street and one spotted a Star of
David hanging in front of what appeared to be a synagogue. With
considerable curiosity, one member of the party stuck his head inside, and
sure enough, it was a synagogue, and a service was in progress. Quietly,
the New Yorkers entered and seated themselves to enjoy the Chinese
service.
When the services came to an end, all the Chinese Jews rose and were filing
out, the Rabbi was out front shaking hands, and thanking members for coming
when he noticed the group of New York Jews.
He smiled and said, "And who might you kind souls be?"
The leader of the New York group explained that they were a group of
American Jews travelling the lovely country of China and were somewhat
surprised to find a synagogue in China, but had thoroughly enjoyed the
service."
At this point, the Chinese Rabbi interrupted and said, "B-b-b-but you don't
rook Jewish!!"
Comments
Sitting Bull
An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs
his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're
getting married.
Naturally the father is upset.
"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? it's not right for Indians to
marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not
thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".
"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've
already given their daughter a new Indian name".
"What's that?" says the father.
"Sitting Shiva"
To make both sets of parents happy.....
They promised to name their first born "White Fish"
Comments
Its About Time...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?
A: Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!
Comments
International Scientists
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
Comments
Interfaith Circumcision Discussion
A Jewish and a Christian child are sitting in the doctor's waiting room.
"Why are you here?" the Jewish child asks.
"I'm here for a circumcision," the Christian replies.
The Jewish child bent over and said in a whisper, "I had one when
I was born and I couldn't walk for an entire year!"
Comments
Intermarriage
Henry Cohen's parents were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30,
and they kept telling him so. He wanted to please his parents, but couldn't
meet a nice girl. In desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.
His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her
regular streetcorner, but one evening she appeared, in new clothing and fancy
jewelry. Naturally, the firends were curious, and she told them how she had
married a nice Jewish boy. "What about his parents?" they asked. She
answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party
every evening for a week. They call it shiva."
Comments
International Anti-Semitism
A Russian asks an Englishman,
"Why isn't there any anti-Aemitism in your country?"
To which, the Englishman replies
"Because we don't think Jews are smarter than we."
Comments
International Needs
Three men were walking through the desert.
The first, a Frenchman,
exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty, I must have wine!"
The second, an
Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty, I must have wine!"
The
third, A Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have...Diabetes!"
Comments
The Internet Bris
An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via
the Internet
The service is to be called ... "E-MOIL"
Comments
Internet Prayer
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging
on to the internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach..."
Comments
Initial Public Offering
on the International Over-the-Counter Marriage Market
Single Jewish Male, LP
100% of outstanding shares are available to the right retail investor
Suggested price: one ketubah (less the underwriter’s 7% cut of proceeds)
After a year in yeshiva, deliberately secluding myself from women, business,
and other time-consuming occupations, I have just launched myself onto the
global marriage market. I am looking for one (1) retail investor.
+ Corporate history
Baal teshuvah, founded 1970. Currently working and living in Jerusalem,
Israel, starting my own internet company. Enjoy: spending time with people
from whom I can learn, public speaking, teaching, writing, politics,
analysis, accomplishing goals. Former investment banker, strategy
consultant, and entrepreneur. Sports: weightlifting, jogging, biking, golf.
Vegetarian. Education: Ivy BA, Ivy MBA, 16 months at several major haredi
baal teshuvah yeshivot. 5'5" tall, black hair, brown eyes. Never married.
I wear a black kipah serugah. This may or may not be indicative of my
politics, preferred neighborhoods, wardrobe, tzizit color, or of which
hechshers I observe.
+ The firm was spun off from the parent companies 29 years ago.
French father, American mother, therefore halachically American. Both
parents non-observant, happily married for 32 years. One sister, dati, who
has outputted three children in three years of marriage. My sister and I
plan to compete to see who will have more children. ;)
+ For this IPO, the investment bank is targeting a special retail investor.
My future wife is, ideally, superior to me in every possible respect.
Fortunately, this is not so hard.
The only question is: will such a wonderful woman spend time with me?
My future wife is, ideally: Jewish, idealistic, of high integrity, committed
to continuous personal improvement, devoted to our family as her top
priority, self-confident, communicates well with a wide range of Jews and
non-Jews, ambitious in the realm in which she focuses her ambition,
intelligent, analytical, articulate, erudite, striving to avoid loshon hara
and vulgarity, non-materialistic, well-educated in Jewish texts,
well-educated in secular subjects, well-read, quantitative, modest in dress,
and athletic. And can leap tall buildings at a single bound.
+ The firm plans to expand rapidly and establish numerous subsidiaries.
I hope to have as many children as we feel we can handle. Between five and
twenty children, but no more than twenty. (Of course, since I've never
raised any children at all, I admit that I don't yet fully comprehend how
much work raising children can be.) Our children will have a strong
education, including all parts of the Torah -- the explicitly religious
(chumash, gemara, etc.) and the less explicitly religious (math, history).
Very strongly prefer single-sex schools for kids.
+ As soon as this IPO is completed, the company will move to new corporate
headquarters.
In our future home, I very strongly prefer to have no TV and few if any
movies, in order to protect the children, as well as the parents, from
pritzut and anti-Torah values. A well-stocked library, with books by
Rambam, N. Lamm, Halivni, C.S. Lewis, Covey, Dickens, Cialdini, Marx, etc.
(books listed in roughly descending order of holiness).
+ The firm has a policy of holding corporate retreats every seven days.
At our Shabbat table, I hope to have many Shabbat guests of diverse
religions and backgrounds. I particularly like hosting non-observant Jews.
A devar Torah by both my wife and me. Good food.
If interested in investing, or if you have suggestions of a potential
investor, please contact me@aish.edu (a shadchan). Finder’s fee happily
paid!
Comments
Isaac's Age
Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to
sacrifice his son?
Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have
been a sacrifice.
Comments
Crime in Israel
A Jewish woman emigrated to Israel. After settling in, she
took a bus ride. On the bus, a man grabbed her purse and ran
off, out into the street. "Oy," she screamed. "I come to Israel,
to get away from crime in America, and they steal my purse!"
The bus driver asked whether the thief was a Jew or an Arab.
"He had a yarmulke on!" she replied.
"Well lady," the bus driver said. "Don't worry about your
purse - it's in Jewish hands!"
Comments
Israeli Economic Planning
The Prime Minister Ben Gurion was having a cabinet meeting,
trying to come up with solutions for the economic hardships
of the infant Jewish state. Floods of immigrants were
straining the national resourses to the limits and something
had to be done to bring in more money.
One minister rushed in all excited, saying, "I found it! The
perfect way out of our economic problems!"
B-G frowned and said, "Nu?"
The other continued, "Listen. Remember World War II? Germany
declared war on America, the Allies came over and whipped the
tar out of them, they surrendered, and then the US came into
Germany and rebuilt the country - and now Germany is on its way
to being an industrial leader in Europe! And then look at Japan -
they declared war on America too, the same thing happened to
them - they're about to take over the Far East economically.
So I figure, all we have to do is declare war on the States, they
come in and beat us, and then they pour all kinds of money into
Israel - and we become rich!"
B-G didn't change his expression. "Won't work," he snapped.
"Why not?" everyone chorused.
"With our luck, we'd probably win the war..."
Comments
Paratrooper in Israel
An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien decided to join the Israeli
Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States. He explained that
he had lots of experience and was raring to go.
The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they
were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the
second chute?" The officer in charge told him only one was
necessary. He asked, "What do I do if it doesn't open?" The
officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about".
He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it
diligently.
Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the
Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and
gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by
the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over
and drops him out.
Comments
The Peace Process
Q: What do you call the Israeli government?
A: The leaning tower of appeasement.
Comments
Personals Which Have Appeared in Israeli Papers
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul lastweek? You
excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you
never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the maror
stain on my tie).
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women
should be treated like a piece of meat.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcismof dybbuks,
seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for
American-born woman who speaks English very good.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for
eight days. Who knows?
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virileJewish male, under 35.
Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom
you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest
secrets.Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking
for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and
field. Has slight limp.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take
you out Saturday night. Please write.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish
Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos
candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkahtogether, attend brisses, bar
mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Comments
General Swap
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals
for three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach
tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad
General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General
Motors, and General Dynamics.
Comments
Israeli Cabbie
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached
a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight
through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and
not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the
next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's
dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to
contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen", he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say
anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:
"Are you meshuggah?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light -- do
you want to get us killed?!"
Comments
Automobile Comparisons
Three guys are chatting about their cars.
"To work I drive a Toyota and on weekends I drive
a Porsche" said the German man.
"Well if you think that's
impressive, on the way to work I drive a Ford and on the weekends I drive a
Ferrari!"
Then the Israeli responds to them "to work I drive a Mercedes, and on the
weekends I drive a tank."
Comments
Last Wish
Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and
an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting
the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the
hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.
Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few
other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had
to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned
me as the aggressor."
Comments
The Israeli Philharmonic
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann
Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was
admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance,
and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his
escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Comments
Israeli Rhetoric
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the
Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with
my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses
was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and
prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed
water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of
that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the
people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to
cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond,
took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.
Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes
have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians
stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and
screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no
Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my
speech..."
Comments
Q: What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
A: A third fewer calories.
Comments
An Israeli X-mas
'Twas the night before X-mas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse
The anti-Bibi posters hung outside on the wall
With the hope that the next day his government would fall
At the base of our chimney we watched with a frown
All night did we wonder - would someone come down?
No, it wasn't Kris Kringle we expected to see
Just a government agent to seize our TV
All the banks had closed early, for many too soon
Not due to X-mas - just a normal afternoon
And down in the street not a carol was heard
Just a kid blasting rap songs, with four-letter words
The Knesset was empty - no debating today
'Cause none of the members of Meretz could stay
They all had to attend an event that was big
Their X-mas day feast, where they dine on roast pig
Santa didn't fly in, as he'd done through the ages
The airport was stiking, to protest their low wages
Which was better than last year, when he came to stuff socks
And got lost in Geulah, where he got pelted with rocks
In the square of old Bethlehem, the crowd stood and cheered
At the site of a visitor - a man with a beard
But the cheers turned to anger, when they realized this man
Was only Rabbi Levenger there to take back their land
While in faraway places, people skate on the ice
Wish each other good tidings and generally act nice
Here there's no X-mas spirit, nor holiday cheer
You get to be rude 365 days a year
There are those who are happy not to have to see
A house full of X-mas lights or a decorated tree
For them it's a reason to live in a Jewish nation
But not me - all I know is I lost a day's vacation!
Comments
The First Day of School
A Jewish mother sent her son off to his first day of
school with the customary pride and precautionary
advice: "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen
to the teacher? And you won't make noise, bubeleh, and
you'll be very polite and play nice with the other
children. And when it's time to come home, you'll
button up warm, so you won't catch cold, bubeleh. And
you'll be careful crossing the street and come straight
home..." etc. etc.
Off the little boy went.
When he returned that afternoon, his mother hugged him
and kissed him and exclaimed, "So did you like school,
bubeleh? You made new friends? you learned something?
Yeah. Said the boy. I learned my name is Irving."
Comments
Jackie Mason
An abridged version of a recent Jackie Mason interview....
Comments
Ancestors
An American, an Englishman an Israeli were indulging in a bit of
boasting.
The American said, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of
Independence."
The Englishman spoke up and said, "That's nothing--one of my
ancestors was present at the signign fo the Magna Carta."
The Israeli just said, "You think that is something? Remember one of
my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."
Comments
Jewish Janitor at Church
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a
job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him
a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I
just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use
the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your
coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my
name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
Comments
Jews in Japan
On a Jewish holiday in Tokyo, Harry Siegel, far, far from his home in Staten
Island, asked the Japanese hotel clerk, "Excuse me. Would you happen to know
if there is a Jewish synagogue here in Tokyo?
"Synagogue?" replied the clerk. "Ah, so Siegel-san. Ah, yes! Is synagogue!
Leave hotel, walk down street two blocks, turn left - banzai! - is
synagogue!"
So Mr. Siegel left the hotel, followed the clerk's directions, and there - lo
and behold - was a synagogue. He entered. All of the worshipers were
Japanese, as was the rabbi, and the Purim services had begun. Mr.Siegel
happily joined in. When the services were over, he went up to the rabbi and
said,"My name is Siegel. I'm from America. I just want to tell you, Rabbi,
how very happy I was to be with you tonight."
The Japanese rabbi beamed. "Is honor! But excuse, you Jewish?"
"Certainly" replied Mr. Siegel.
"That's funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look Jewish."
Comments
Jaywalking in Jerusalem
From the "Metropolitan Diary" in the NY Times (date unknown)
The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when
my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem.
As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal,
a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly
gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years
he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."
Comments
Sue G-d
by Jonathan
P. Bernick
My column today is about a miscarriage of justice to rival the Academy
Awards' continued snubbing of Pamela Anderson for a "Best Special
Effects" Oscar. It pains me to report that we still live in a country
where a lawsuit can be dismissed just because it names as defendants
Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and God.
As reported in an Associated Press article on CNN's webpage, the lawsuit
in question was filed by one Donald S. Drusky, who was seeking
compensation for his 1968 firing from U.S. Steel. The suit, quoted in
the article, lists as Mr. Drusky's grounds for action against God that
"Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for
their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S.
Drusky." The lawsuit goes on to also name as defendants "former
presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all
50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th
through 105th congresses[.]" (It is left unexplained why Mr. Drusky
failed to name additional agents of misery and suffering, such as Sam
Donaldson's toupee.)
Had Mr. Drusky won, his suit demanded compensation from God including
the restoration of his youth and the resurrection of his pet pigeon. In
any case, the point turned out to be moot; U.S. District Judge Norman
Mordue dismissed Mr. Drusky's lawsuit as frivolous. (The article does
not specify that Judge Mordue then gave Mr. Drusky several sharp whacks
on the head with his gavel, but I believe in my heart of hearts that
this is what happened.)
When I first heard about this lawsuit, my initial reaction was to make
sure that it hadn't been filed in the court system of some foreign
nation, such as the planet Neptune. Upon finding out that this was not
the case, it occurred to me that suing God might be the greatest legal
innovation since rhyming defense summations. I have a few grumbles
about my life, none of which could possibly be my fault or
responsibility. As a former resident of New Mexico (home of the
$3,000,000 spilled cup of coffee) I know that someone must be
responsible for these conditions, and who could be more responsible than
God? Accordingly, rather than attempt to solve these problems on my
own, or dismiss them as superficial blemishes on an excellent life, I
shall forthwith file lawsuits against God on the following complaints:
Loss of Income. Whenever I buy a stock, it drops faster
than Bill Clinton's Yugoslavian poll numbers. This is not
a coincidence. DAMAGES: 10000 preferred shares of
Microsoft, Bill Gates’ personal password, and all
broadcast rights to the phrase "Y2K."
Restraint of Trade. For some reason, I am not a popular
syndicated columnist who could sell a million copies of a
book containing his transcribed gastric rumblings. Since
God has not sent a plague of locusts down on the print
media (the New Yorker excepted), He is obviously being
remiss in His duties. DAMAGES: Dave Barry's job, two dogs
named "Ernest" and "Zippy," and a son named "Rob."
Alienation of Affection. My luck with women somewhat
resembles Lizzie Borden's success with family counseling.
This is obviously due to God not giving me the charisma of
Sean Connery. DAMAGES: A Scottish accent, and a date with
the latest Bond girl. On second thought, just send the
Bond girl.
Unfortunately for my litigious plans, though, I can't file any of these
suits unless Mr. Drusky's case is reinstated. I hope that Neptune has a
speedy appellate process.
Comments
Jewish Blessing
May you live to be a hundred and a day.
Why "and a day"?
You shouldn't have to die on your birthday!
Comments
Jewish Bumper Stickers
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you
feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
Comments
Bumper Sticker
Jesus saves.
Moses invests.
Comments
Who's Most Religious?
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and
deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the
storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young
children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my
most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I
saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my
hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had
come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the
Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and
suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday... "
Comments
New Store a Veritable Fantasyland
Just in time for Purim and Passover, Disney plans to open a
store in the Monsey area, which will cater to the needs of
the burgeoning Jewish population. Among the useful items for
purchase will be:
Talis in Wonderland (folds fast if you're late)
Tinkerbell Tefillin (clap if you believe in Hashem!)
Minnie Kippah (also available in mini-Minnie sizes)
Little Mermaid Mezuzah (plays "Kiss the Girl")
Sleeping Beauty Sheytl (blonde only)
Tigger Tichel (orange with black stripes)
Peter Pans (milchig and fleishig cookware)
Bambi Blech (will not burn venison)
Robin Hood Pushka (takes from the rich gives to the poor)
(formerly known as "101 Donations")
Aladdin Kiddush Cup (drink up and you'll be flying)
Pete's Dragon Havdalah Candle (his mouth blows fire!)
Pinocchio Yahrtzeit Candle (his nose grows shorter)
Mary Poppins Spice Box (holds a spoonful of sugar)
Hunchback of Notre Dame Shofar (curved like a real Hunchback)
Old Yeller lulav and etrog set (lulav old, etrog yeller)
Seven Dwarfs Menorah (eighth night not included)
Dumbo Dreidels (they fly!)
Beauty and the Beast Megillah (comes with Goofy gragger)
Cinderella Seder Plate (must be used by midnight)
Jewish Geography Game: "It's a Small World"
Jiminy Cricket's Book of Halacha: "Always Let Your Conscience
Be Your Guide"
Wedding Prints Developed ("Some day my prints will come")
Comments
Was Jesus Jewish?
Religious scholars have recently concluded that Jesus was
definitely not Jewish.
Had he been Jewish, he wouldn't have
wasted time with the Last Supper - he would have gone for the
Early Bird Special.
Comments
Jesus Poem
Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Jesus
You'd all be Jewish
Comments
The Four Food Groups
When my 7 year old son, Paul, was asked if he knew what
the four food groups were, he replied,
"Meat, dairy, pareve, and not kosher."
Comments
Kindergarten Smarts
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who
ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business."
Comments
Jewish Alzheimer's Disease
Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...
Comments
Jewist Atheist
On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant
atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad,
do you know what _Trinity_ means? It means the Father, the Son, and
the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now
and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d -- and we
don't believe in Him!"
Comments
Categories of Jews
My grandmother has three categories for Jews:
Those less observant than we are, the "regular goyim";
Those more observant than we are, "the crazies";
And that small sliver of Jews who got it exactly right.
Comments
Religion and Viagra
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra.
The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.
Comments
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? -- The Jewish Answers
Abraham
And G-d appeared to me and said, Avraham, Avraham, take the chicken,
thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road...
Yediot Aharonot
Chicken Run Over By Mack Truck!!! Graphic photos, pages 1,2,3,4 and 5;
The Sex Life Of The Chicken, pages 6 and 7; You Too Can Have Sex With
A Chicken, page 8; other news, pages 9 &10.
Woody Allen
I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age. It
wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants
what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)
Shulamit Aloni
I'll eat as many chickens as I like on Yom Kippur, it's nothing to do
with the haredim what I do in my home...
Baal Shem Tov
There was once a chicken in Medzibozh...
David Bar-Illan
This question represents the worst sort of gross antisemitism on the
part of the world's media. Reuters is particularly culpable...
Ben & Jerry
New Launch: Grandma's Funky Chicken Soup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken
for short. 20c per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund.
Elisha Ben Abuye
There is no chicken, there is no road.
Edgar Bronfman
I shall be taking this matter up, on behalf of the WJC, with President
Clinton, the Pope, and whoever's head of Russia this week...
Charles Bronfman
Forget the chicken! Let's get these teenagers to Israel: just think
what will happen if they see an ISRAELI chicken crossing the road...
Buber
I and Thou, Chicken
Shlomo Carlebach
Yannani nini nini; yannani nini nini; yannani nini, yannani nini,
yi nini ini; yini yannani yannani, yi ninininini, yanani yanani yi
ni ni ni ni ni, yanani, yanani yininininini.....
Chief Mashgiah of the Rabbanut of Israel
I thought all chickens in Israel were kosher, aren't they?
Bill Clinton
Chaverim, I'd like to share with you a Dvar Torah on this important
sh'eylah...
Hillary Clinton
I know we had Jewish friends at Yale but this is getting ridiculous!
Clinton's speechwriter
Yo! That's another 50 bucks the guys at the poker game you owe me!
Complete ArtScroll Siddur
Bend once when the chicken goes onto the road (bending first at the
knees, bending fully as it takes its second step); bend again as it
reaches the middle of the road (only a half bow); bend a third time as
it nears the other side. If it gets across without being run over,
say also a shehecheyanu (p. 358); unless the congregation is saying
brochos before and after the shema, in which case no interruption,
even for a brocha, is permitted. No brocha is said on Yomtov, Rosh
Chodesh, or during the entire month of Nisan. On Erev Yom Kippur the
chicken may be used for kapporos.
Discovery Program
If you look at the portion of Tamar and Yehudah, where Tamar is waiting
on the ROAD, and you take every 13th letter of each alternating line,
you AMAZINGLY get the words to "Uf Gozal", proving, once and for all,
that Arik Einstein has ruah ha-kodesh. (Someone should tell Uri Zohar).
G-d
Thou Shalt Cross The Road !!
Ibn Ezra
It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)
Fackenheim
We must all help the chicken across the road, whether the chicken
wants to or not; to fail to do so would be to grant motorized vehicles
a posthumous victory. The responsibility to help the chicken across
the road is holy; it is not negotiable; it is the 615th Commandment...
Viktor Frankl
It was searching for meaning.
Aviv Geffen
A chicken is just a bunch of feathers. Pink Floyd is more important
to me than any chicken.
Arthur Green
A contemporary Jewish theology must incorporate the chicken's need to
cross the road, even if we don't fully understand why it wanted to
cross the road in the first place.
Blu Greenberg
In the first ten years or so of our marriage, Yitz and I didn't really
focus on this question, we lived quite conventional Jewish lives, and
had chicken soup every Friday night. I remember quite clearly the
moment at which I first began seriously to think about this important
question in a radically new light....Nevertheless I want to emphasize
that in my view a synthesis of orthodoxy, feminism and the rights of
the chicken is absolutely possible, difficult though this may
sometimes seem in practice.
Yitz Greenberg
There have been three quite distinct historical Jewish responses to
this question...
Bonna Haberman
What's most important is that chickens be able to daven freely at the
kotel...
David Hartman
As I was saying to Shimon, Yitzhak, Ezer Weizman, Edgar Bronfman and
the Pope, all of whom wanted to know my views on this subject... That
reminds me, Motti, I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!
Hasdai Crescas
Some would say that the chicken was exercising it's free will. But of
course I have already proven that free will doesn't exist, so it must
have had some other purpose in mind. If it was trying to exercise
it's free will, it was guilty of a philosophical error typical of
lower vertebrates.
Hebrew National Co.
So what if we routinely fire our mashgichim, it's kosher.
Herzl
One day, chicken, you WILL reach the other side. You may not believe
it; others may not believe it; but fifty years from now... If you
will it, it is no chicken.
Heschel
If that chicken makes it to the other side I'll be radically amazed!
Hillel
If I am not for the chicken, then who will be? But if I am only for
the chicken, then what am I? And if it doesn't cross now, when?
Avram Infeld
My dear, you are most beautiful! Let's discuss this question over
dinner...
Israeli Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi:
There can be no answer to this or any other question until this
government increases allocations to the yeshivot immediately, fires
Shimon Shetreet, and ends all archeological digs...
Israeli Sephardi Chief Rabbi:
There can be no answer to this question until I consult with Arye
Deri. He's awaiting a jail sentence for fraud? err, let me get back
to you...
Israeli Border Guard
And what is your purpose for crossing over to the other side?
Chicken: Bok
Guard: Is that your only reason?
Chicken: Bok, fock, bok!
Guard: No need for fowl language!
Kafka
I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a
chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can
not say why.
Meir Kahane
The only good chicken is a dead chicken.
Rodger Kamenatz
It was amazing to see how this question united the age old cultures
of Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism. As Yitz Greenberg said to Zalman
Schacter-Shalomi, while the Dalai Lama looked on and several hundred
Buddhist monks waved traditional prayer flags in the hazy Indian
wind..
Mordechai Kaplan
The chicken as civilization! Give the chicken a voice, not a veto.
Kitve ha-Ariza"l
If Rabbi Pinhas had only offered the chicken up as an olah, Mashiah
would have come.
Rav Landau (Bene Brak)
If I didn't shecht it, it's treif.
Levi Lauer
Levinas is the key contemporary thinker on this problem.
Yeshayahu Leibowitz
Judeo-chicken? Disco-chicken? Stupid question. We simply follow the
halacha. The chicken crosses the road. That's it.
Yosef Leibowitz
Why did it cross the road? Creation, revelation, redemption...
Michael Lerner
When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the 60's, I
actively studied the question. In the politics of meaning, no
chickens will have to cross the road if they don't want to...
Levinas
[Answer completely unintelligible]
Judah ha-Levi
My road is the East, but my chicken is in the farthest West.
Uzi Meshullam
The chicken was abducted from it's true Yemenite owners, and it was
crossing the road in an attempt to find it's way home. And I'll kill
anyone (has ve-shalom) who says otherwise.
Moses
And the L-rd said: "Thou shalt cross the road"
Jacob Neusner
The answer to that question will be in footnote 22b to my next book,
"Epistemology of Bava Metzia" (University of South Florida, 1996)
which I am about to start writing. Uh, it was published already?
George!!!!!
Neitzsche
See Elisha ben Abuye
Bibi Netanyahu
Most Israelis on the left mistakenly think that they want the chicken
to cross the road. But not to let them get to the other side. And
that's not really crossing the road. That's why I say it's better to
keep them in the coop.
Sara Netanyahu
You, Chicken, are the WORST %#*@ing housekeeper, EVER!!!! YOU'RE
FIRED!!!!
Orthodox rabbi
A very interesting sh'eyla. There are many different halachic
opinions on this vital question for our time. In my tshuva I shall
review the opinions of the tannaim, amoraim, Rashi, Ralbag, Ramban,
Rambam,the ger, the gor, the grib, the grilbag, the grandpa,
grodzinskis, my grocer, Jerry Garcia, and Heilige Harav Hagaon
Hashlita Rebbe Hamoshiach Menachem Mendel Shneerson...zt'l.
Pinchas Peli
I was privileged to hear the Rav, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, speak
on this subject. His discourses, which lasted several hours, were an
experience which represented an exquisite and unparalleled combination
of erudition, western philosophy, Torah learning and knowledge of
poultry...
Shimon Peres
Yitzhak Rabin, zikhrono livracha, would have wanted the chicken to
cross the road; it is our duty to see that it comes to pass... The
question is not should the chicken cross the road, but should the
chicken remain on the sidewalk. This is the New Middle East. Soon
chickens will be crossing superhighways stretching from Tel Aviv to
Damascus!
Pirkei Avot
Moses heard the answer at Sinai and transmitted it to Joshua...
Judith Plaskow
Where was the chicken in Jewish history? What was its name? Let us
begin now to reclaim its significance, to refashion new rituals, to
allow its voice to speak through the ages ...
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
In the early days on Ms magazine I cared more about women than chickens;
but I see now that this was a sort of false consciousness, an
anti-chickenism within the movement...
Ramban
Really the chicken didn't have to cross the road: this was G-d's
allowance for the weakness of human nature. In the time of the mashiah
chickens will no longer have to cross the road.
Rashi
THE chicken:[ie: without the definite article this might be any
chicken, but THE suggests a particular chicken]; there is a midrash
that this is the first chicken created in gan eden. A second opinion:
poulez [old French].
Reform rabbi
Because it wanted to; in the modern era we all have autonomy,
including chickens. And if any "orthodox" institution attempts to
stop chickens crossing the road we will protest at this outrageous
infringement of religious, civil and poultry freedoms...
Rosenzweig
The chicken hasn't actually crossed yet, but I hope it may one day
do so.
Jonathan Sacks
It is impossible to answer this quesion, (or, for that matter, any
other), without referring to Alasdair MacIntyre's magisterial
"After Virtue" (London: Duckworth, 1981). His argument is taken
further in his "Whose Justice? Which Rationality?"
(London:Duckworth, 1988) and "Three Rival Versions of Moral Enquiry"
(London: Duckworth, 1990). Also of interest are his earlier works,
"A Short History of Ethics" (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1967),
"Against the Self-Images of the Age" (London: Duckworth, 1971)
and especially "Secularization and Moral Change" (London: OUP, 1967).
MacIntyre's ideas are developed in a theological context in Stanley
Hauerwas, "The Peaceable Kingdom" (London: SCM,1983). The Talmud
Bavli and the London Beth Din also hold views on this question.
Sforno
It is desirable that the chicken should cross the road, even in the
time of the coming of the mashiach (cf. Ramban).
Shammai
Typical Hillel! Comes out with complete nonsense, and everybody ends
up quoting him! Life is so unfair! And as for the chicken! - if I
get my hands on that chicken it'll be straight to my talmidim for
Intro Schechting 101...
Danny Siegal
The chicken was doing a mitzvah, and so should we!
Gary Shapiro
Leo Strauss is the key thinker on this question.
Rav Soloveitchik
There were actually two chickens: Chicken One, and Chicken Two...
Steven Spielberg
I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop,
from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which
my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).
Adin Steinsaltz
See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.
Leo Strauss
[Just about comprehensible, but somewhat boring]
Rav. M. Tendler
Of course I could answer this most simple and obvious question, but
this attempt to state the most fundamental belief of Judaism through
the impersonal medium of email is fraught with danger. Can I possibly
prevent your erroneous and illogical deductions in this attempt to
teach the Torah "while standing on one foot." In all likelihood, you
couldn't understand, although I can tell you one thing. Chicken,
kosher; swordfish, treif.
Art Waskow
At Chavurat Shalom we experimented with a chicken-free Judaism; the
beginnings of modern eco-kashrut...
Ezer Weizman
Grunt [expletive deleted]. The chicken-meidele should go home and knit
socks.
Leslie Wexner
I'm happy to announce a new $40 million endowment to help answer this
crucial question.
Rav Ovadiah Yosef
If it was shechted by an Ashkenazi, it's treif.
The Zohar
Rabbi Pinhas was on his way to visit his daughter, the wife of Rabbi
Shimon bar Yochai. On the way, he encountered a chicken crossing the
road, and he heard the sound of a cow. He said: There are no cows
in sight. The chicken answered him: I am a cow, I am crossing the
road to Yerushalayim, so that I can be offered up as an olah. Rabbi
Pinhas responded: Would that I could offer you as an olah, for your
fragrance would rise directly to the ein sof. But, alas, cows don't
have feathers.
Comments
Jewish-Chinese Dialogue
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man
commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old.
But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinaman was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
Comments
Local Jew Feels Left Out of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy
from The Onion
SOUTHFIELD, MI--It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like
their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered
in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery
and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.
"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish
conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it
doesn't hurt."
While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of
international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this
quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed
from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech
Industries.
"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he
said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak
around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the
real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A.
triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."
Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over
the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the
Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.
In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company.
"Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg--those are the Jews who control
Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at
every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But
me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic
comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."
And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years,
Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other
newspaper in the United States.
"As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I
should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased,
liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to
Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow,
that's just not the case."
Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance
into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my
application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for
now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and
powerless Jew."
Comments
A Jewish Conversation
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"All right. Monday I'll send the check."
Comments
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to
The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like
building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His
allness. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were
all the Budists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then
the Hindus.
Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the
Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the
Christians," St. Peter told the tour group. "Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."
Comments
Logic
"Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word 'Yitzhak'?"
"But there is no M in 'Yitzhak'!"
"No, I mean what if we insert it there?"
"But why do we need to insert M in 'Yitzhak'?"
"But that's EXACTLY what I'm asking you: why do we need M
in the word 'Yitzhak'?"
Comments
Jewish Mothers
One Jewish mom tells her freind: I'm so glad my daughter found a good
husband! He loves her so much that he brings her breakfast to bed each
morning!.
Then she sighs and adds: But my Son is married to such a clafte!
Imagine that, she actually makes him every morning to bring her breakfast
to bed!
Comments
The Jewish Olympics
by Stuart Spector
After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was
found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.
Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the
world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the
following:
Decathlon:
Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's
decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the
group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.
Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no
longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva
buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have
promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem
for this particular event.
Oyga Vault:
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the
bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights
cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be
added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz
mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in
the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
Synchronized Swimming:
Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make
a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has
finished?
Synchronized Tanning:
Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two
rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose.
An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional
points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be
deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
Team Handball:
The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team
will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The
three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the
infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put
competition.
Triathlon:
This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a
serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes
(first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second
part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets
to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be
required to run the marathon.
In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will
feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands
a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
Balance Beam:
The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in
the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
Challah Chap:
How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house
before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a
miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.
Dream Team:
This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored
men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of
psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to
analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Moyl Marathon:
Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each
kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the
babies of course.
Naches Shlep:
Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have
two minutes to boast about their einiklach.
Rings:
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to
newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth
fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color,
clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
smile, sophistication, and simchas.
Shochet Slaughter:
Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible. The meat
from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and wrestlers.
Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes. Some events may
require the separation of men and women.
Comments
Religious Perfume Ad Campaigns
Minyan -- when you want to draw a crowd
Rashi -- for comment after comment after comment . . .
Revelation -- They will smell and they will do . . .
Balam -- It will speak to the animal in you.
Shalshelet -- Let the memory linger.
Sodom - Indescribably wicked.
Comments
Election Day
The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to
come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo,just come mama"
"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on
her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible"
"His brother's a doctor!"
Comments
Quakers
There was once a small Jewish population in an area which was
dominated by Quakers. The Jews there had their own synagogue, and
found their Quaker neighbors to be friendly. All in all, the two
populations got on very well.
One summer, there was a terrible fire and the synagogue was
completely burned to the ground. The Jews were devistated, and began
raising money to build a new synagogue. The Quakers quickly saw their
plight, and also decided to lend a hand. They got together and had a
meeting and decided that until the new synagogue could be built, the
Jews should be able to pray in their church on Friday nights and
Saturdays, since they only needed the church on Sundays. Furthermore,
all funds placed in the charity box would go toward the rebuilding of
the synagogue. The Jews of the community, and their Rabbi, were
overwhelmed by the generous offer - and so it was.
All through the time of the building, the Jews prayed in the Quaker
church on their Sabbath and the Quakers on theirs. As the months
rolled by, the funds rolled in and the synagogue came closer and
closer to completion. Finally, just before Rosh HaShanna, the
synagogue was ready to be reopened. The Rabbi decided that the first
services would take place on Erev Rosh HaShanna, and he announced this
at the services in the Quaker church.
The whole community were outside the new synagogue for the
grand-festive re-opening. Everyone was congratulating each other as
the Rabbi went into the synagogue, and walked up to the pulpit. He
then had the Gabbai open the doors for his congregants to enter.
After a few minutes, the stream of people stopped, and the Gabbai
went up to the pulpit to inform the Rabbi that everyone had been
seated and that the services could begin. The Rabbi looked around and
noticed something strange. He mentioned to the Gabbai that there
seemed to be several, if not many, congregants missing. To this, the
Gabbai replied: . . . "I hate to tell you this, Rabbi, but you should
know that some of your best Jews are Friends!"
Comments
Jewish Quotes
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found."
-Calvin Trillin
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took
us forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot
in the Middle East that has no oil."
-Golda Mier
"Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother."
-Peter Malkin
"I was raised in the Jewish radition, taught never to marry a Gentile
woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile
woman on Saturday."
-Woody Allen
Comments
Jewish Red Riding Hood
Little Red Hooding Ride was walking through the Catskills
one day and she came across Mr. Woolfe.
"Where are you going Boobela," asked Mr Woolfe?
"I'm going to see my Bobbeh (grandma) what lives in the
forest," answered Red Hooding Ride..
Mr. Woolfe got in a taxi and went to the Bobbeh's house,
gobbled her up put on her dressing gown and got into her bed
and pulled the sheets up to his chin..
Then there was a knock on the door. "Come in," called
Mr. Woolfe..
Red Hooding Ride opened the door, went in, looked at her
Bobbeh and said, "Oh Bobbeh...What big eyes you have."
"All the better to see you with," said Mr. Woolfe,
"come closer."
"But Bobbeh...what big ears you have," cried Red Hooding
Ride.
"All the better to hear you with," chuckled Mr Woolfe!
"Yes, but Bobbeh...What a big nose you have," whispered
Red Hooding Ride.
"HUH?!" growled the Mr. Woolfe, "Look who's talking!"
Comments
You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If ...
You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but
biblically mandated
Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't
You have a gun rack in your sukkah
your idea of Shalosh Seidos is a six pack of beer and some Redman
Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night.
You think KKK is a kosher symbol
You speak more English than your shul president
You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette
The only plant in your home is your lulav
The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz
Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah
Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"
Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart
Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Your local scribe shoots his own parchment
You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha
You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke
You give Ma'aser from your spittoon
A tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper
You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic question
When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
You know what Barach to make when you see a UFO
Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon
You think the mechitza is an Italian food
You think a hora is a high priced call girl
You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag
You wear a white hood for Havdallah
You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision
If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row
Comments
Jewish Samurai
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful
emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out
a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who
they knew, and so forth. (An ancient chain letter? - LadyHawke)
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai,
a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a
matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops
dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very
impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai
opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH.
WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The
emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai
thinks, "If it works for the other two..."
So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a
little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing
around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not
dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see
that the fly has been circumcised."
Comments
"Shit Happens" -- The Jewish Version
There have been several versions of how different religions reinterpret the
phrase "Shit Happens". Well here's the Jewish Breakdown:
Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom His most holy Shit happens.
Orthodox: This is the shit of The Almighty.
Conservative: We have had this shit from generation to generation.
Reform: Got a laxative?
Comments
Jewish Life in Space
This takes place in the old days when the first 3-man space shuttle
came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull
(Jewish ship of course-Segal) picked up the capsule. The first man who
got out of the capsule was Protestant and the clergyman of his faith
asked him; "How was it my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with
a big healthy smile; "It was truly a great experience, etc." The second
man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule the priest blessed
him and asked him; "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost-
How was it?" and the reply was; "It was fabulous Father!" The third man,
of course, was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship and was
huffing and puffing and the Rabbi came up to him and asked him; "How
come-Nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and
refreshed-and you, Nu?" The Jewish astronaut answered-breathing very
heavily; "Every 90 minutes, 'Shacharit, Mincha, Mariv - Shacharit,
Mincha, Mariv'!
Comments
Have you got the time?
An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young
Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I
don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll
have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful
daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Comments
The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a
hangover.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white
shoes for pinochle.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his
mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't
Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel
better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at
four in the afternoon.
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.
Comments
Maid in Heaven: A Jewish Marriage Guide
By Aryeh Kabblan
LOVE
Love, our Sages teach us, is a many splendored thing. It can strike at
any time, on a bus, in synagogue, even (though rarely) on a date. Love is
more precious than gold; in the words of one contemporary tzaddik: "Money
can't buy me love."
But we are taught that G-d created the world as an act of love. We therefore
see that being in love is an imitation of G-d. (Note: While imitating G-d is
fine, doing impersonations of Him is unseemly and irreverent.)
So now you're in love. What do you do next? If you're a Torah-oriented Jew,
not much. You can tell your parents. And you can tell your rebbe. (You don't
have to tell G-d; He already knows.) And you should definitely tell the person
you're in love with. The next step is getting engaged.
GETTING ENGAGED
The engagement period is a critical one for every couple. Among many traditional
Jews, it is after the engagement that the bride and groom actually meet and
learn each other's first names. Among very modern couples, being engaged means
you can now share each other's toothbrush.
This is the time for meeting the parents of your intended. You will want to make
a good impression, so remember to dress modestly (if you're a girl), bring a
small gift (if you're a boy), and shave beforehand (in either case). Very
traditional boys will be too young to shave. Do not forget that you will have to
ask her father's permission to marry her!
It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In
traditional circles, this kind of custom is called yehareg ve-al ya'avor,
i.e., highly recommended. Our Sages have also established a formula to determine
how much one should spend on the ring: 1) take the amount you can afford;
2) multiply by eighteen; 3) that is how much you must spend.
The ring symbolizes many things. First, a ring has the form of a link in a chain.
This symbolizes that marriage chains a man and deprives him of his liberty. As
our Sages teach: "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage" (Avot de-Robbie
Benson 8:4).
The ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage
feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Talmud Torah (Torah study),
which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he
marries.
Of course, a ring is not essential, any piece of jewelry that fits the above
requirements will be fine.
One final note: after being engaged for a few days, you may develop a deep-seated
urge to punch anyone who sings Od Yishama. This is a healthy reaction; don't
fight it.
The time has now come to plan the wedding.
PLANNING THE WEDDING
There are many myths about Jewish weddings, and they must be dispelled. Many people
think that a Jewish wedding must be lavish, with expensive clothes, endless food
and a seven-piece band. This is not a myth; this is TRUE.
The myth is that the wedding is for the bride and groom. In fact, the wedding is
for their parents. This is why three-fourths of the guests are people the bride
and groom do not know. Many of these are relatives neither the bride nor groom
knew existed. In halakhah (Jewish law), these people are called "wedding
relatives." It is forbidden to interact with such relatives except at the wedding
of one's children.
There is a deeper significance to this law. The Hebrew word for relatives,
KeROVIM, has the numerical value of 358. This is also the numerical value of the
word NaCHaSH, meaning serpent. From this we see that some relatives are like the
evil serpent who tempted Adam and Eve to sin, thus blowing things for all future
generations.
SPIRITUAL PURIFICATION
Before the marriage can be consummated, the bride must immerse in a mikveh (ritual
pool). This ritual is neither embarrassing nor demeaning to women. Chasidim do it
every day.
Immersion in the mikveh symbolizes spiritual rebirth. It represents purity and
ritual cleanliness. Nevertheless, the custom is for the mikveh water to be cloudy,
gray, and have little things floating in it. This custom goes back to the time
when women immersed in outdoor rivers, braving frostbite, pneumonia, and the
occasional peeping Tom.
Some point out that the Hebrew word mikveh is related to the word tikvah, meaning
hope. This alludes to the fact that women who use the mikveh hope they won't
contract anything bacterial from the water.
In a deeper sense, the waters of the mikveh represent the waters of Eden. But to
learn more about this, you'll have to buy my book, Waters of Eden, on sale at
quality Jewish bookstores everywhere.
PREPARING FOR THE CEREMONY
One of the most important preparations for the wedding ceremony is the veiling of
the bride. The origins of this custom are unclear. Some relate it to the biblical
story of Jacob, who let his father-in-law veil the bride and wound up with the
wrong woman!
Others trace the custom to the little-known talmudic sage, R. Yosi ben Seymour, a
man blessed with thirty-six daughters. R. Yosi,according to one tradition,
instituted the veiling at the wedding of daughter number thirteen, a girl with the
complexion of an overripe turnip. This idea may be alluded to in the Yiddish name
for the veiling ceremony, _bedekun_, which means "Cover her up!"
THE WEDDING CEREMONY
After the preliminaries, the groom and bride are led to the chupah (canopy). It is
customary that the groom be led first. This is because Judaism regards men as more
important than women. As we shall see, this is an important theme of the Jewish
wedding ceremony.
The groom is then dressed in a kittel, a long, white garment resembling a bathrobe.
The kittel recalls the day of the groom's death, the symbolism of which is pretty
obvious, especially if you've been married for a couple of years. This is also
alluded to by the word kittel, which is rooted in the Hebrew verb katal, meaning
"to slay." A fuller exposition of the similarities between death and marriage may
be found in my article, "Why Moshiach Is a Bachelor."
In some circles, the groom is followed by a procession of relatives and friends.
This is a Gentile custom, however, like drinking gin and playing golf.
Finally, the bride is brought to the side of her groom. She should be finely
dressed in a beautiful, but modest, white gown. The bride must also wear contact
lenses. This is because the Hebrew term for lenses, adashei maga, has the numerical
value of 497, which is only three less than 500, the numerical value of
peru u-revu ("Be fruitful and multiply").
At this point, the bride traditionally walks around her husband seven times. There
are a variety of explanations for this custom, all of them demeaning or patronizing
to women.
THE ERUSIN
The rest of the ceremony is fairly technical from a halakhic point of view, but a
true understanding of its essence reveals how romantic it really is.
Simply put, the man acquires the woman in a financial transaction. He does this
by giving her something of value. Although customarily a gold ring is given, any
object of minimal value, such as a comb or french fry, will do.
At this point, it is necessary to create an intermission between the erusin and
the latter part of the ceremony, the nisuin. Jewish tradition, with its keen sense
of irony, reminds the newlyweds that, until Jerusalem is rebuilt and the Likud
returned to power, our happiness can never be complete. In order to introduce some
unhappiness into the proceedings, the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) is read.
THE KETUBAH
Like all contracts, the ketubah is a dry legal text, somewhat lacking in
entertainment value. Worse, the ketubah's text is very ancient and is written in
a very ancient language, Aramaic, which has not been spoken for about 1500 years.
Historians say that Jesus spoke Aramaic, but unless he's invited to your wedding,
the reading of the ketubah will go largely unappreciated.
Today many people spend hundreds of dollars to have an artistically designed,
beautifully illuminated Ketubah, most of which are possul (not recommended for
use). In halakhah, these people are called hedyotos (airheads).
A SERMON
Instead of reading the ketubah, and sometimes in addition to it, a D'var Torah
(sermon) is delivered. To again commemorate the anguish of the destruction of the
Temple, the sermon is traditionally long and boring. Preferably, it should be
delivered in an incoherent mumble by a scholar who knows neither the bride nor
the groom. Instead, he will refer to them generically as the "chusankalloh." Even
better, he should not refer to them at all, but present a lengthy discourse on
sin and damnation.
THE REST
This is followed by the Seven Blessings, yihud (seclusion), a big meal and lots of
photographs.. Of course, the wedding is only the beginning. The real headache of
marriage does not take hold until long after the centerpieces from the dinner
tables are stolen by the "wedding relatives." Only after the band has gone home will
you greet the future of married life with that immortal prayer: "Dear God! What have
I done?"
Comments
Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site
with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to
the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns
to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak
for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to
ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought
about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If
I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction
worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married
him, he'd now be a mayor!"
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Comments
Those Jews
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was
trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?"
he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way,
he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was
given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper,
he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the
hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three
years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of
those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the
money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the
most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress,
I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and
grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a
little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
Comments
Hamaven Yaven
Masechet (Tractate) Baseball
Recently, there was "Jewish Night" at Shea stadium (NY Mets). My friend and I went, and we decided to send out two trusty virtual reporters, Ella Rina (E.R.) and Ella Tfila (E.T.) down to the field with hidden nanophones (that's 1/1000th of a microphone) to determine the answer to that age old
question:
"What are they discussing on that pitcher's mound?"
Ella Rina has explained to us that there are, basically three types of
conversations:
The chevruta: This is when the catcher alone goes to the mound to
talk to the pitcher.
The shiur: This is when the manager goes to the mound the first time
in an inning.
The mussar: This is when the manager goes a second time to the
mound. Inevitably, this must be some severe punishment, as this is
immediately followed by the pitcher leaving the game. Typically,
pitchers try to avoid the mussar.
Ella Tfila reported on some of the conversations that occurred during
the August 4, 1998 Mets Game vs. The San Francisco Giants. To avoid
"lotion horror" and possibly being ejected from future baseball games
because of slander and playing with the rosin bag, Ella does not mention
any of the players' real names. Of course, Ella doesn't KNOW any of the
players' real names, anyway, but that's beside the point.
In the top of the third, the Mets catcher went to the mound for a
chevruta:
Pitch: So, nu? Vat's de matter now?
Catch: Listen, I just want to tell you that you should pitch no higher
than 1 amah out of the strike zone, because even bedi'eved (by
leniency), the umpire won't call it a strike. And try to speed up your
pitches so we can all get out of here before sof z'man kriyat shema (end
of time for reciting Shema), OK?
Ella Rina explained what goes through a pitcher's head between pitches.
Have you noticed he walks around the mound too much, picks up the rosin
bag, drops it, rubs his hands, chews tobacco, spits, scratches himself,
all before he finally throws a ball to home plate? What is going on all
this time?
E.R. explains that the pitcher is contemplating a tough sugya (section)
of the Talmud. The walking around the mound is to fulfill the precept,
"vehalachta bidrachav". "Thou shalt walk in his path". The pitcher would
rather himself walk in His path than walk the batter to first base!
The use of the rosin bag is an allusion to the children of Israel all
united in one place. The baseball field is partially made of sand thus
resembling Israel as the "sands of the Earth", thus scattered about. The
rosin bag represents the collection of these scattered grains in one
place forming unity and thus, controlling the destiny of the game. After
all, the game cannot continue until the pitcher pitches the ball!
The tobacco chewing and spitting is simply because the pitcher gets
hungry on the mound. Since the mound may be considered a makom (place
of) tum'ah (unclean), the pitcher cannot make a bracha (blessing) prior
to eating. Hence, by chewing tobacco and spitting it out, he is not
really eating, thus he need not make a bracha.
The scratching minhag (custom) originated from a mistranslation of a
Yiddish word. Many years ago, when Sandy Kofax was losing a game, and
things looked bleak, he went off the mound and began to krechtz (sigh),
"Oy vey! Vat a day! How do I make this batter strike away?" From there
came the expression, and rule, "A pitcher who is in trouble should
krechtz to relieve his frustrations." However, as Kofax passed on, and
got into The Hall of Fame, people started to say, "A pitcher who is in
trouble should kratz (scratch) to relieve his frustrations." Thus, came
about the custom to scratch rather than to sigh.
E.T. explains that the reason the pitcher keeps nodding his head "yes"
and "no" is that he is contemplating the result of a makhloket (dispute)
and it takes him some time to decide which Rabbi might be right.
Occasionally, the pitcher really cannot decide, as E.T. discovered the
other night when there was an "expanded" chevruta. The first baseman
joined in together with the catcher on the mound.
1st base: "Hey guys? What's the problem
Catch: Now, I thought I told you what the signals mean. Index finger
means Bet Shamai, Pinkie means Bet Hillel."
Picher: Oh, was that it? I thought the index finger meant Hashem is
watching and the pinkie meant "let's have fleishigs (meat) after the
game!"
1st base: "No, you shmendrik and a half! The index means throw a
fastball and the pinkie means that the catcher has an itch on his index
but can't get his finger out of the glove. Got that?
Meanwhile, the yoompar (umpire) has joined in on the chevruta also.
Yoomp: "Hey! You guys are taking too long! My wife said not to come home
so late because I'll miss tikun chatzot (midnight prayer). Let's get on
with the game, OK?"
Sometimes, E.T. says, it's hard to tell the difference between the
expanded chevruta and a shiur. The difference, of course, is that a
shiur always involves the manager, where the chevruta never does.
Problem is, sometimes the manager TELLS the players to make an expanded
chevruta, in which case, technically, this is a shiur, but not really.
E.T. refers to this as a "syag leshiur" (building a "fence" around the
shiur). I just prefer to call it an excuse!
In the 8th inning, it seems that the Giants pitcher got into some
trouble. They were one run up, but had the Mets fastest runner in
scoring position. A shiur occurred on the mound.
Manager to pitcher: Now, we're taking dinner orders. We decided we're
going for Chinese food tonight.
Pitcher: But I prefer chulent!
Mgr: I'm sorry, but we've had enough chulent the last few nights! Now,
you better tell me now, you want Moo Goo Gribenes (chicken fat, with the
hardened skins) or Sweet and Sour Egg Kichel? (The only "mop" and
"shovel" good enough for pickled herring onions. A necessity when you
run out of toothpicks!)
Pitch: I don't know. Let me get this last guy out, and I'll let you know
in the dugout between innings, OK?
Mgr: OK, but you better finish it soon, 'cause the boychiks ("dem
bums!") here are getting mighty hungry.
Well, it seems that the thought of food made the pitcher lose
concentration. He not only walked the next batter to load the bases, but
he had a wild pitch, and walked the next two after that. This was far
more than the manager and the dug-out-chiks could tolerate.
Mgr: OK, what's the problem. Why did you allow three men to score?
Pitch: I'm sorry, I was hungry. You know, I was thinking about getting
Liver Lomein with an Egg Keichel Roll.
Mgr: Are you meshugah? You were hungry? That's what cost us three
runs??? You were hungry? Get outta here and get the whole team some
food! The whole dugout is hungry! Come on! Give me the ball! (Oy! He was
hungry! Ah nechtigeh tog! ("Why didn't I trade him yesterday?"))
Well, now that you have some idea of why baseball games take so long, I
would suggest that next time you go to the park or stadium you might
want to take a Ramba"m (Maimonedes explanation). I have a feeling he
might explain what the BATTERS do when they step out of the batter's box
between pitches.
Until then, this is Ella Rina and Ella Tfillah saying if you understood
this, then you're a Maven.
Comments
Book Reviews
Eli D. Clark
Rabbi Mordy Ignatzkowitz Explains It All for You (Hassagas Gvul
Publishing, 1999), translated and edited by Suri Horowitz-Margareten, 237
pp.
Throughout our history, there have been Jews who, confounded by the
crossword puzzle of current events, have stared up at the heavens and
asked, -Why?- But Hashem, Who has better things to do, does not send the
answers directly. Instead, in every generation, He blesses us with a
guide who unravels these mysteries for us: The Rambam, the Arizal, the
Besht, the Fonz.
HaRav Mordechai Ignatzkowitz is such a person. A disciple of the
well-known mystic, R. Azarya Eyd Zomem, R. Mordechai is world-famous for
his lectures, which draw overflow crowds to his 1-BD bedroom apartment -
in Bnei Brak. His radio show, -Toch Kedey Dibbur,- attracts countless
listeners. And his tapes are best-sellers from the fast food restaurants
of Flatbush to the basements of Borough Park. Now, for the first time
ever, Rav Mordechai's wisdom is available to the English-speaking world
(provided that the English-speaking world has $24.95 plus tax. Okay, for
you, no tax.). R. Mordechai's daughter-in-law has painstakingly
transcribed hundreds of hours of speeches, shiurim, diatribes and
anecdotes and lovingly presented them in fractured English. The results
are nothing short of wondrous.
War and conflict, evil and wickedness, pain and agony -- synonyms like
these that have plagued man for generations are explained by R.
Mordechai. In surprisingly simple sentences, he describes how our lives
interconnect, how world events are governed by Hashgochoh, and how to
make a fortune investing in soybean futures. With a mixture of wit,
warmth and erudition, R. Mordechai shines a halogen light into the
darkness of life. He illuminates the daily kindnesses of Hashem, the
ever-present touch of the Divine thumb on the deli scale of history. More
importantly, R. Mordechai reminds us what Hashem really wants from us:
dedicating ourselves to Torah living, reaching out to the less fortunate,
wearing felt hats with wide brims.
What makes this work truly memorable is the stories. R. Mordechai has an
endless trove of moving, relatively truthful stories. For example, R.
Mordechai tells the heartbreaking tale of a young girl named Sora Miriam,
who loves to ice skate. When it becomes clear that her skating would
conflict with her responsibilities as a frum girl, she bravely abandons
Yiddishkeit and moves to Utah to train with an Olympic coach. Sora
Miriam, now known as Shana Marie, performs well in her first competition,
only to be bested by a young Asian skater named Mikudesheth Li. After a
brief modeling career, Sora/Shana realizes her error and returns home,
where her loving parents have waited for her, patiently renting out her
bedroom in her absence. Happily, she rejoins her family, marries a young
kollelnik named Feuchtwanger, and develops an incredible recipe for
avocado kugel. As luck would have it, though, Sora's own daughter,
Devoyri, changes her name to Dorothy, marries Steve Hamill, and becomes
the best-known U.S. figure skater of the twentieth century.
Enhancing R. Mordechai's inspiring stories are beautiful color
illustrations and a handsome, faux leather binding. Available with or
without an accompanying CD (featuring Peggy Lee), the book is an ideal
Bar or Bas Mitzvah gift and is sure to please everyone in the family with
a fourth grade reading level or below.
Books Briefly Noted
A Summary of New and Noteworthy Jewish Fiction and Non-Fiction
Problems with Contemporary Halakhists Volume III. A nationally
recognized authority on Jewish law analyzes a host of contemporary
halakhic issues including: employing a gentile to brush one's teeth on
Shabbat, living next door to a house with a television antenna, and the
required height for a mechitzah at one's Shabbat table. Also discussed:
whether someone seen eating broccoli remains kasher le-edut, and the
halakhic considerations that apply to the purchase of a sport utility
vehicle. In a special appendix, the author lucidly describes the process
of pesak, demonstrating the need for objectivity and sensitivity and
explaining why his own rulings are inevitably correct.
The New Jewish Way in Dating and Marriage. A practical guide to the
contemporary search for a shidduch. Features a letter written by a
prominent Gadol on choosing a mate: -The Eternal Question: Yichus or Hard
Assets?- In-depth chapters describe how to build a gold-plated résumé,
manufacture a stellar family tree, and touch up old wedding photos.
Practical sections include nineteen arguments why kollel is essential to
the survival of Am Yisroel, fashion hints, and a comprehensive glossary
of yiddishisms (-Mastering Yeshivonics-). Chapters for parents include
twenty-five intimidating questions on sugyos in Menachos and tips on
accessing the credit and tax records of prospective in-laws.
Shver Jordan. In this futuristic novel, a legendary basketball player
becomes a rosh yeshivah. His charisma quickly wins him a substantial
following, until someone realizes that he cannot read Aramaic and thinks
-Tosfos- is a brand of linoleum. As the yeshivah's fortunes start to
sink, a loyal student suggests a benefit concert. All of the superstars
of Jewish music agree to perform, with their beards. A new song,
-Rappin' with the Rogotchover- is introduced and goes on to become a
wedding and bar mitzvah standard. The successful concert saves the
yeshivah, but Rav Jordan decides to return to sports, moves to Milan and
joins a basketball team sponsored by Ragu.
The Real Halakhic Man. A stunning reevaluation of the life and thought
of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Based on unconfirmed rumors, the author
reveals that the Rav mistakenly wandered into the University of Berlin
while searching for a bakery that sold yoshon bagels. Not wanting to
offend the university personnel, the Rav politely agreed to enroll as a
student for six years and write a dissertation on neo-Kantian philosophy.
This reluctance to offend others was a hallmark of the Rav's patient and
gentle personality. For instance, prior to establishing the Maimonides
School in Boston, a prospective parent asked the Rav if the school would
be co-ed. The Rav (who naturally never considered the option), assumed
the questioner said -ka-ed,- i.e., like a witness testifying to the emes
of Torah, and said, -Yes.- Rather than risk embarrassing a fellow Jew,
the Rav permitted the school to teach boys and girls together.
Another revelation relates to the Rav's involvement with Mizrachi as
honorary president of Religious Zionists of America. The author explains
that the Rav's affiliation did not signify agreement with religious
Zionist ideology, but a subtle strategy to persuade Mizrachi to merge
with Agudath Israel or, at least, change its name to -Rejecters of
Zionism of America.- Indeed, for most of his life the Rav chose not to
travel to Israel in silent protest of the existence of a secular Israeli
government. Interestingly, in the 1970's, the Rav planned a late
November visit to the Holy Land, but missed his flight when his
Thanksgiving dinner ran late.
A Man in Shul. This satirical novel follows the vain attempts of a
Southern Jew to find a shul in which he can daven undisturbed by talk of
sports scores and stock prices. In one memorable episode, he feigns
deafness; but the talkative neighbor, instead of falling silent,
initiates a conversation with another person, in which he loudly comments
on the hero's bad haircut, ugly tie and unattractive wife. A few
chapters later, the protagonist is dragged against his will to a -kiddush
club- by an amiable surgeon who cheerfully insists, -We need a minyan to
drink bourbon.- In the unrealistic conclusion, the hero finds a quiet
Young Israel in Queens.
The Toaster in Jewish Law. A long overdue study of the halakhic issues
relating to the electric toaster, complete with 73 color illustrations.
Written by a respected member of an obscure kollel, the book analyzes the
prohibitions of using a toaster on Shabbos, the procedures for kashering
a toaster and cleaning it for Pesach, and recommendations for using a
toaster to bake matzoh, heat the kitchen or dry wet laundry. Separate
sections discuss the toaster/oven and how to make toast in the wilderness
with a hanger, dental floss, and a can of hairspray.
By the Grace of Hashem. A riveting, true-life story detailing the
miraculous rescue of a middle-aged mother of five from a riot at
Loehmann's. On March 9, 1989, a fight broke out in the petites section
between two women over a marked-down Donna Karan business suit. This
sparked a melee that spread throughout the mall. One hundred twelve
people were taken to the hospital and twenty-four others converted to
Buddhism. In the end, criminal charges were filed, but only against a
nine-year old boy who witnessed the entire riot, videotaped it and
broadcast the film on a cable television channel operated by his older
brother from a high school locker. The author, who had gone shopping for
an engagement dress for her daughter (still single, but very warm and
outgoing!), avoided injury by climbing through an air duct into the
ventilation system of the building. Wedged in by her purse, she was
stuck for four days, subsisting on breath mints and a weeks-old
tangerine. Finally, she was discovered by a well-meaning cat burglar who
drove her back to her home in time to catch a re-run of the evening news
from 1973. Her husband, a Chassidisher rebbe, had despaired of seeing
his beloved wife again, so he moved the family to Sacramento and opened
up a combination kosher pizza shop and shtiebel, called -Fress and
Bless.-
Tzaddik in a Peltz: Exorbitant Wealth as the Path to Shomayim. This
groundbreaking work persuasively argues that Hashem wants all of us to
own a six-bedroom house in Lawrence with a pool. The author, a
well-known stock broker and letz, provides a historical overview
describing a long list of wealthy tzaddikim from Avraham Avinu to the
Reichmans. He notes that the Hebrew word for wealth, osher (with an
ayin) is almost identical to the Hebrew word for happiness, osher (with
an alef) and the Hebrew word for uprightness, yosher. An extensive
halakhic section cites numerous Gedolim who praise material
gratification, self-indulgence and the mindless acquisition of property.
In an innovative passage, he explains that the statement of Chazal,
-Marbeh nechasim, marbeh da'agah -- One who increases possessions,
increases worry,- actually means that when you acquire possessions, it
increases your neighbor's worry, because he now has to go out and buy
something better. Chapters include: -Evading Meshulochim -- Delay,
Denial and Ducking Out of Sight,- -Is the World Ready for Designer
Tefillin?- and -The Six Figure Wedding: Because You're Worth It.-
Fatterstill Halls. A novel set in a girls' seminary in Israel, this
absorbing story follows a diverse group of twenty-nine American girls who
come to Israel with a combined total of 847 pairs of shoes and spend a
year learning about life, Torah and the guilty pleasures of Bamba dipped
in chocolate spread. By striking coincidence, all but two of the girls
are named Aviva. They develop a close relationship with their madrichah,
a twenty-four year old named Chaviva, who keeps telling the girls that,
before making a decision, they should ask themselves, -Think: what would
the Maharal have done?- In the middle of the year, Chaviva gets engaged,
but her parents oppose the match because her fiancé's name is Ido.
During the novel's climax, Aviva, the intellectual of the group, has a
spiritual experience at the Kotel and decides to make aliyah, unless she
first meets a nice guy from Englewood who has been accepted to Columbia
Law School.
Conversations with G-d, Book 3. A long-time confidante of the
Lubavitcher Rebbe looks back on his weekly meetings with the King
Moshiach.
Nu? I'm Tired of Waiting! A well-known Orthodox feminist shares her
hopes, fears and frustrations over a lifetime of struggle to transform
Orthodoxy into Conservative Judaism. Speaking of her ambition to be an
Orthodox rabbi, she writes, -I've always dreamed of standing and begging
the congregation for silence in shul or watching my baal ha-batim fall
asleep during my derashah.- She writes of her reverence for tradition
and her desire to undermine it. In a stirring passage, she speaks of
following in the footsteps of her heroines: Joan of Arc, George Eliot and
Aunt Sadie. (In 1963, Aunt Sadie walked out on Uncle Myron for writing a
poem about her entitled, -Servile Sadie, My Favorite Lady.-) Looking to
the future, the author predicts that the laws of taharat ha-mishpachah
will be updated, such that all married women will be required to make a
monthly visit to the manicurist.
Katz in the Sheitel. The light-hearted story of Elana Katz, a young
corporate lawyer in New York who heaves her briefcase into the Hudson
River and becomes a full-time sheitelmacher. She soon discovers an
untapped market for European virgin human hair sheitlach and popularizes
a new wig design modeled after Marilyn Monroe's hairstyle called the
-Rollin' Rebbitzen.- The style is an instant smash, and Elana opens
salons in Brooklyn, Bnei Brak and Baton Rouge. With the help of her
husband, a computer programmer, they launch the Kimchis Kollel, dedicated
exclusively to the study of Gemara Sotah. Years, but not months, pass.
At the suggestion of a prominent Gadol, the sheitel business is sold to
Merrill Lynch which merges it with a company that sells flavored seltzer
on the Internet. Without a business to run, Elana retires and dedicates
herself full-time to criticizing the housekeeping skills of her
daughter-in-law.
Triumph of Destiny of Survival. A sweeping history of the Jewish people
told from the perspective of a twenty-seven year old accountant named
Kasriel. Skipping back and forth between centuries, weaving midrashim,
limericks and legends into each story, the book spins an entertaining
though fictitious narrative, starting from Adam ha-Rishon and concluding
with the 1974 laying of the cornerstone of Young Israel of Avenue J.
Highlights include a retelling of the Bilam story from the perspective of
the donkey and an eyewitness account of the Golem of Prague tackling an
anti-Semite and removing most of his cardiovascular system. Sadly, the
author does engage in historical revisionism, arguing that R. Shimshon
Raphael Hirsch spoke Mandarin Chinese and claiming that the Mesillas
Yesharim was written by the author's father-in-law. Lavishly
illustrated, the book includes a reproduction of the invitation to the
wedding of R. Saadia Gaon and a photograph of the Vilna Gaon's tefillin
mirror.
Comments
Jewish Candy
Q: What's a Jew's favorite candy?
A: Mazel-toffee
Comments
Jewish Food?
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a
posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat
with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked
salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added,
"I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on
Shabbos!"
Comments
Jewish Football Player
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the
end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into
his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert
you at South Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Comments
A Jewish Grandmother's 21 Steps To the Proper Preparation of
Gefilte Fish
Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself.
Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.
While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...
...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.
Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.
On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.
Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.
Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.
Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.
Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.
Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.
There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.
Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.
Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.
Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.
Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.
On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.
Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.
Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.
After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
Comments
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
Last year, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many
hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and
after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that
this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I
researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling
them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their
responses:
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the
entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of
what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but
the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in
discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel
only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you
cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait,
don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the
driveway, since you really do not have any valid
historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will
soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz
version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the
proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal.
Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling
of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend
the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the
snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left,
bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit
snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the
Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink,
remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll
Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take
snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights:
each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have
absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow
decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it
wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that
clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in
the winter season. (Old French: neige).
Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in
Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will
turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling
is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling
snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision,
will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel
the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are
running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world
which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of
religious denomination and belief, and is therefore
instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and
diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining
the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President
Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who
had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a
disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our
efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any
case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let
it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow
will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots.
Comments
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar; 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar;
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
"Is anything all right?"
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Oh, don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking
up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles
back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf! "
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name
is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water" and you have to
call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
"I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."
You've heard about the big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish
tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."
Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
A Jewish Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar and announces
that his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 20 pounds which even
for a Texan is atypical. Congratulations shower him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of the Texas baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is he doing?
What does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender is both puzzled and concerned. "Why? What happened? He
already weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is it he lost so much weight?"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes
his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
the bris."
One Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little
David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at
the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday morning?"
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on
a night like this?"
Comments
Lost & Found Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul he reads a notice stating that a wealth Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it.
Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet. The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the community rav.
Both men present their case. the poor man first then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, Rabbi, "I trust you believe me.:
The rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi take the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?!" the rich man yells angrily.
The rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet have seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a lair and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred and fifty dollars in it!"
Comments
Not-So-Famous Jewish Movies
Gonif with the Wind: a thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara
through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice: a mohel murder mystery
Schnorer Rae: a freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
Balaboosta Cockburn: John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger
cookbook
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly: a kosher noodle western
Moby Dreck: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
The Cincinnati Yid: Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings
to start a reform congregation
Litvak Big Man: Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an
American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer: Paul Newman and Robert
Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims
Bridge over the River Kvetch: The extras complain that
whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
The Creature from the Black Latke: an overdone potato pancake
turns into a monster
Mamza Poppins: a talented nanny has questions about her birth
legitimacy
The Matzo Candidate: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking
it's always Passover
Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington: Jimmy Stewart thinks he's
still filming Harvey
Driedls of the Lost Ark: Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games
Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore: neither the waitress nor the
old Hebrew school can be found
Borscht-time for Bonzo: Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy
monkey
Singing in the Ch'rain: Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his
umbrella
Comments
Jewish Non-Alcoholics
Jews don't drink. it interferes with their suffering.
Comments
Jewish Oscars 5760 (March 2000)
Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings", awarded
for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal
House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.
The following have been nominated:
The Six Cents: 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
Goy Story 2: Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another
Isn't She Gevaldik: Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann
Supernova: Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox
Snow Falling on Seders: Unexpected storm disrupts Passover
Angela's Kashas: Woman reveals secret recipe
Girls, Interrupted: Women's section of shul shushed during davening
Stuart Ladle: Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
The Seder House Rules: Zadie lays down the law on Pesach
The Talmudic Mr. Ripley: Believe it or not, he knows gemorah
Comments
Jewish Pokemon Characters
Gefilte
Shmegege
Meshugeneh Zach
Pick-a-Jew
Yahrtzeits
The blech
Plagamincha
Shabbos Guy
Shucklepuff
tziztzisaurus
Comments
A Punny Riddle
This old classic concerns a Jewish religious leader
who has a secret cemetery in his backyard for a
certain portion of his pets' bodies.
[scroll down]
"The Cantor Buries Tails"
Comments
You might be a Jewish Redneck if ...
By Terry Kleger
Your favorite foods are Gefilte Fish and Grits.
You think Dolly Parton should have had the lead role in Yentl.
You can't decide what to do when Yom Kippur and the first day
of hunting season fall on the same day.
You keep writing to the Grand Ol' Opry for Fiddler On The Roof
tickets.
When the Rabbi announces that a pick-up truck is blocking the
driveway, everyone looks towards you.
You wear Cowboy Boots to your son's Bar Mitzvah.
You do all your Chanukah shopping at yard sales and flea markets.
Despite traditional Jewish emphasis on higher education, you never
pursued your G.E.D.
You want to move your work to another station in life - from
Shell to Exxon.
For safekeeping you leave your NRA Membership Card in your
tallis bag.
You look for "Thank G-d I'm A Country Boy" in your synagogue
prayer book.
Your favorite Passover snack is Spam on matzah.
You think a mitzvoh is a Japanese car.
You can't believe the K-Mart 'BlueLight' Specials you got your
daughter for her Bat Mitzvah.
You're still looking for "Hava Nagila" by Elvis.
You're disappointed when your son tells you he wants to be a
doctor or a lawyer and not a NASCAR driver.
Your Chanukah decorations include a Star Of David hanging from a
plastic Pink Flamingo.
You feed your Hound Dogs corned beef scraps.(mw)
You have a Menorah tatooed on your chest.
Your favorite fast food is a BLT- Bacon, Lox, and Tomato sandwich.
You have a SkullCAP And Crossbones insignia on your motorcycle
jacket.
You break Yom Kippur fast at your favorite truck stop.
You invite the Rabbi to give the invocation at the next Mudhop.
You joined a "Conservative" congregation because you like Jerry
Falwell.
You ask your synagogue's Cultural Appreciation Committe to
organize a bus trip to West Virginia.
Your Hebrew vocabulary consists of all the curse worlds used by
Israeli sailors.
You think your synagogue services should conclude with Hatikva and
Dixie.
You're offended when asked to check your gun at the synagogue
office before entering the sanctuary.
Comments
Sailing
If all the midgets came over on shrimp boats then how did the Jews come
over?
Yiddle by Yiddle...
Comments
Jewish Clothing
Q: What's a Jewish sweater?
A: It's what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold.
Comments
Jewish Time
To help their congregation better cope with modern times, one
local synagogue decided to offer a course in time management.
A member telephoned and asked the Rabbi what time it started.
He replied, "Oh... fivish, sixish."
Comments
Jewish or Goyish
I'm Jewish, Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie
Cantor's goyish. B'nai Brith is goyish, Hadassah is Jewish.
If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It
doesn't matter, even if you are Catholic; if you live in New York
City you are Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going
to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
Kool-Aid is goyish. Evaporated milk is goyish even if Jews invented
it. Chocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish. Fruit salad is Jewish.
Lime Jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish.
All Drake's cakes are goyish. Pumpernickle is Jewish and as you know
white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes, goyish. Black cherry
soda's very Jewish, macaroons are very Jewish.
Negroes are all Jew's. Italians are all Jews. Irishmen who have
rejected their religion are Jews. Mouths are very Jewish. And Bosoms.
Baton twirling is very goyish.
Underwear is definately goyish. Celebrate is a goyish word. Observe is
a Jewish word. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are celebrating Christmas with Major
Thomas Moreland, USAF(Ret) while Mr. and Mrs. Bromberg observed Hanukkah
with Goldie and Arthur Schindler from Kiaamesha, New York.
Comments
Optimism?!?!?!?!
Q: How can you tell that Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the
world?
A: They cut it before knowing the final size!
Comments
Smoking and Judaism
The real real difference between the different branches of Judaism
may be seen in the response to a rabbinical ruling outlawing smoking
on the basis of pikuah nefesh. [saving a life]
Reform Jews would ignore the ruling and go on smoking as the ruling
is not binding upon them.
Conservative Jews would stop smoking, but only at home.
Orthodox Jews would sell their lungs to goyim.
Comments
Jewish Grammar Rules
Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks
gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another
question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the
other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or
what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About
now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good
enough for you?"
Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect
object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go
with" (drop "you").
Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that
Esther?"
Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating
that Norman fellow?"
Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the
listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the
Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't
eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?")
Vocabulary:
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for
neurotic.
Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone
mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus
ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started.
"Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac
schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking
Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the
sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the
same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a
"sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
Schmoe--See schmuck.
Schmata--Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that
Esther?"
Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in
conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a
schmaltzy ending?"
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to
wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not
the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase,
however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation.
If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're bored.
Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who
gave that maniac a driver's license?" Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the
United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile
ownership over public transportation to support the automotive
industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since,
most anyone can get a driver's license." Correct answer: "Morons."
Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics.When
shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted
at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the
schmuck who shouldn't feed his children?" The untrained Gentile
simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the
negotiations begin."
Comments
Hilkhot Listserve
(Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings)
Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree,
or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall
be great.
Rashi:
Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire
usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few
lines of your own.
Rambam:
It is a precept not to waste bandwidth.This teaches us the value of
brevity. All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well
known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted.
R. Yosef Caro:
One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet
transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the
relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the
right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write. It is
strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines
that are over 80 characters results in herem.
R. Moses Isserles' Mappah:
One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being
an HTML file. It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically
acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in
length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this.
Comments
The Jewish Laws of Television
by Eli D. Clark
Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical Halochoh.
I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even have a
driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a basic
understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting me
in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought to
a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who instilled
in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.
Definition of Television
The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
audio and video signal, with a screen to display the video
transmission and a speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav
Hai Gaon, an electrical supply is part of the definition of
television (a so-called Hai-Definition television).
The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though
it appears to have lacked a remote.
The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
including how to invent a television.
In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.
Owning a Television
It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
authorities. Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that
owning a television involves almost as many Issurim as speaking
Loshon Hora.
Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
have been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is
used as a planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a
television is canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under
the principle of Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on
New Years' Day to a television tuned to the Pros Bowl.
Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
about it.
The Laws of B'rochos
It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say at
the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
time, some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular
program that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying
commercials featuring furry animals, cute children or a talking carton
of milk.
When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond "Omen,"
although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is
recited by a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should
snicker derisively.
The Laws of Kashrus
One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait
six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the
advertisement appears in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is
considered Bottel B'Rov, unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or
Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it is Nosen Tom).
After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
watch an advertisement for Haagen-Daczs, but only if the reception is
fuzzy.
One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for
Bosor B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement
begins, one should immediately cover one's face, turn off the
television and recite some Tehillim.
The Laws of Tefiloh
It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program,
in Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished,
while in Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
It is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman.
In the event the repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite
the B'rocho of She'Osoh Nissim.
Talking During Television Watching
It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is
related to the watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't
Kathie Lee Gifford make you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs.
Nevertheless, it is preferable to refrain from any speech, especially
if the person sitting next to you threatens to "punch your lights
out" if you say another word.
During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during
commercials should do so. The story is told about the mother of a
famous Gadol who was asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah
giant. She said, "I never disturbed my husband during commercials,
and I never paid retail."
The Laws of Shabbos
Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
velvet Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether
it is required that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
(Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing
additional Chilul Shabbos. The following things should be done
(in order of preferability.
If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a
neighbor's house for the duration of Shabbos.
If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes.
Women should tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children
should wrap long strips of cloth over their eyes.
If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and
indirectly ask him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
The Laws of Pesach
It is very difficult to clean a television for Pesach because of all
the little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities
require that one throw out one's televisions before Pesach and buy
new ones for Pesach.
According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for Pesach
as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing
the screws under the sticker that warns against removing the back of
the television. Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based
cleaner. Finally, to eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the
television gets hot, the entire television set should be immersed
in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R. Blumenkrantz recommends
unplugging the television first.
Comments
The Bank Teller
Q: What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her
customer?
A: You never write. You never call. You only visit
when you need money.
Comments
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by
Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt
Comments
Jewish Mother's Food Definitions
LOX - Salty Smoked Salmon
"If you must smoke let it be fish!"
NOVA - Unsalted Smoked Salmon from Nova Scotia
"I know they must mean Nova Kosher."
BIALY - A Flat Onion Roll
"Eat enough and you get that South Pacific syndrome BIALY HIGH."
BLINTZ - A Jewish Crepe Stuffed with Cheese or Fruit
"Famous in London’s World War II air raids."
SCHMEAR - A Jewish Smear
"So... what else would you do with cream cheese?"
PITAS - Round Flat Bread of Eastern Origin
"Also makes a nice frisbee for grandchildren."
HUMUS - A Vegetable and Chick Pea Puree
"Eat your vegetables or some day they may have to feed you through a tube."
BAKLAVA - A Flaky Nut and Honey Pastry
Mother says, "To me, it’s Greek."
RED ZINGER - A Spicy Tea Made from Herbs, Flowers and Rose Hips
"Rose’s hips - oy vay, already she’s wearing an 8 way stretch girdle."
DR. BROWN’S SODA - A Cream Soda or Black Cherry Soft Drink
"An adult substitute for mother’s milk."
BORSCHT - A Russian Beet Soup Served Cold with a Schmear Sour Cream
"Mother sings as she stirs, "And the beet goes on."
GEMISTE - A Mixture
"A little of this - a schmear of that."
LATKES - Potato Pancakes
"With all that sour cream or applesauce - How bad could it be?"
MATZO BALL - A Delicious Jewish Dumpling Served in Penicillin Soup
Mother says, "Anything is improved by the addition of starch."
PENICILLIN SOUP - Chicken of Course
"Such a cure, we considered serving it with a hypodermic needle rather than
a spoon."
PLOTZ - To Pass Out
"Also where they put you when you do the FINAL pass out."
NOSHES - A Snack or Sliver Between Meals
"Eating should never be restricted to the table, especially where matters of
health are concerned."
"SKIN AND BONES" - Anyone who weighs less than 200 pounds.
"NICE AND HEALTHY" - Anyone who weighs more than 200 pounds.
"JUST A SLIVER" - Any portion of food smaller than a sofa cushion.
"FOR LATER" - A portable nosh - as in "Buy a few JEWISH MOTHER brownies on
your way out for later."
Comments
Jewish Mother's Guilt
A man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."
"Why are you so weak?"
"Because I havn't eaten in 38 days."
"Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" the son asked.
His mother paused and answered, "Because i didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
Comments
Jewish Moms and Terrorists
What's a difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist?
With the terrorist, you can negotiate the terms.
Comments
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!
Comments
Jewish Newspapers
As told by Alan Dershowitz
in "The Vanishing American Jew"
There once were two Jews reading their newspapers over a cup of coffee in a
late-nineteenth century Viennese cafe. Kurt is reading the liberal
Yiddish-language newspaper and shaking his head from side to side, uttering
soft moans of "Oy vey" and "Vey is meir." Shmulie is reading the
right-wing anti-Semetic German-language tabloid and smiling.
Kurt, noticing what Shmulie is reading, shouts at his friend, "Why are you
reading that garbage?"
Shmulie responds, "When I used to take your newspaper, all I would ever
read about was Dreyfus beign falsely accused, the Jews of Russia being
subjected to pogroms, anti-Semitic laws being enacted all over Europe, and
the grinding poverty of the Jews in the Holy Land. Now, ever since I take
this paper, I read about how the Jews control the banks, the press, the
arts; how Jews hold all the political power behind the scenes; and how we
will soon take over the world. Wouldn't you rather read such good news
than such bad news?"
Comments
(#1) The dream.
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist.
"I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed
she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and
couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until
7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight
here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some
time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
(#2) The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement
in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of
David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by,
they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money
in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat
is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the
men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize
that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in
this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then
turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying
to teach us Marketing."
(#3) Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about
their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section
of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the
law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all
her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover
powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive
during Purim.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad
fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains
why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa,
then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find
hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken
soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos
finishes at 3am.
(#4) Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and
stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning
coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to
buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson,
"You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then
and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson,
"we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
(#5) The yiddish speaker.
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man
at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and
asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"
(#6) Kol Nidre night.
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol
Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals.
Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what
video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape
Kol Nidre"?
(#7) Come & get me!
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on
their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother
Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon
was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as
soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things
I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into
your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell
your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter
words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell
you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must
tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum,
he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
(#8) Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who
needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying
he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai
applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed
all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to
demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little
silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly
dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to
demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small
pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and
the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate
why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and
out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh,
whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing
around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and
asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never
intended to kill."
(#9) The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help
us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue
rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"
(#10) The convert.
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number
of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new
priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis,"
he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time,
please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
(#11) Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs
as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your
mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on
the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to
eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion
gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives
to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife
at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen
the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly
when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school,
medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents,
grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study
art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient
grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost
in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one
ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods
during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that
one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence
based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car
pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are
as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo
to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths
to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick
and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's
aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to
Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish
children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity
celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms
salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife
became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when
after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's
lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one
finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner
used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret
is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine
ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John,
Curtis, Davis, or Taylor
(#12) If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically
on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced
with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant
I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices
from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the
cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu,
so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during
startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant
I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would
occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its
"monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state,
your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured
with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would
have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning
"Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will
be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB's (digital video
bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's
(#13) The school teacher’s prize.
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final
year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the
Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion,
Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach
some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would
give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever
lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand,
but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As
she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she
got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the
Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas
Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still
had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived
was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the
£50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised
that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe
replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is
business."
(#14) The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon
High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may
have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what
this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled
to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as
the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good
medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls
Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the
gentiles."
(#15) The dog.
Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El
Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in
a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says,
"I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it
and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks
in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot
who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they
will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never
know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to
the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog,
an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her.
"See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?"
asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"
(#16) The thinker.
After months of negotiation, Avraham,
a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At
the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at
the young man and thought,
This fellow doesn't look like
a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area.
If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all,
a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only one from our area to be
allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is
a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to
go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how
many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and
the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting
the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs
have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which
daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from
Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be
Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they
have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent
of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special
status.
What could it be? A doctorate from
the University.
At this point Avraham turns to the young man
and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the
startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".
(#17) Seder warning.
Medical experts from London have published
a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped
liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do,
it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
(#18) New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft
Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
(#19) Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a
bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much
their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting
hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th
birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know
the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What
a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know
my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street.
Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
(#20) The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment
on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the
Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork...
but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied,
"I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate.
He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate...
but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what
you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and
there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper
and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
(#21) The old lady.
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a
crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front
of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says
to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat
to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts
to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and
says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop
her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells
the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty
out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that
you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies.
(#22) The last meal.
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to
be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which
he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which
he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
(#23) The package.
Moishe walks into a post office to send
a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is
too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make
it lighter?"
(#24) More riddles.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite
before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..."
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather
bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered
by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece
of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew
who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of
Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his
wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take
the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the
dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
(#25) The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when
he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman
says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles
back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
(#26) Are There Jews In China?
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese
restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any
Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why
don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked,
"Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter
replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later
and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one
ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
(#27) The Jewish advisor.
There once lived a king who had an advisor
called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day
he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel
with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable."
The King accepted their argument and ordered
Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse
and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered
and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer
and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and
a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me."
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong
about his 'conversion'.
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you
feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with
it. You're too important for me to lose."
On his way back home to tell the news
to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his
wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't
you wait until after Passover?"
(#28) The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to
tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my
mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father
to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind
is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce
Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I
only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really
don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and
tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything
to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy.
I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision.
I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going
to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything
until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week
is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call
your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear
to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call
from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get
tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the
day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to
talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything
until we both get there."
Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris
turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they’re coming
for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to
get them here Rosh Hashanah."
(#29) Meeting with the synagogue secretary
Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the
synagogue.
He trudged into the secretary’s office
and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."
He sat down. "I have to make arrangements
for my wife’s burial.
"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you
remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember.
That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."
"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know
you remarried."
(#30) Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave
birth to a girl"
"Mazeltov."
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after
a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name
a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that,"
said the Rabbi.
(#31) Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform
Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that
it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000,
but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000.
Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches
him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now
you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for
the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his
face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a
little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was
so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a
Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
(#32) The widow
Becky's husband dies. It was not until
sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful
and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told
some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and
handed me 3 envelopes."
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my
last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence
and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends
asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note,
‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful
mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000
with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very
dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including
some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000
with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed
to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
(#33) Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his
mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the
closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What
do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle
has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.
I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish,
mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks,
"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
(#34) Near to death
Leah had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months.
Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her
bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for
Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job,
you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed,
you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you
were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed
right here.
When my health started failing, you were
still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling
as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
(#35) The garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls
out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death
of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with
many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since
you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things
like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll
also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically
raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him
first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."
(#36) The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and
asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't
use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could
get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his
head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a
pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose
I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my
husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
(#37) The genie
Sadie is walking along the beach one day
finds a bottle.
She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped
a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said
the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" Sadie asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make
a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!"
replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!"
POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Don’t forget, now
your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
my Mercedes," replied the woman.
"Next wish?" "I'd love a million pounds,"
replied the woman.
POOF! One million pounds appeared at her
feet.
"Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice
has TWO million pounds," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
my million," replied the woman.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The woman thought long and hard, and finally
said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"
(#38) The loan
Issy walks into a central London bank
and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls
Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground
garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns
to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir,
we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned
you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I
park my car for two weeks for £9.41
(#39) The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and
Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as
Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in
a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet
away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her
chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice,
Yes I can!"
(#40) More riddles
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this."
Q: Who, in history, had the very first
motorcycle?
A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could
be heard all over Israel.
(#41) Adam and Eve
One day, God and Adam were walking in
the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate
the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What’s a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
a bush and kissed her.
Adam returned with a big smile on his
face and said, "Lord, that was great! What’s next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What’s caress?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
a bush and lovingly caressed her.
Adam returned with a bigger smile and
said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now
I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and
asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".
(#42) Five Quickies
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash
machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you
do with the last £50 I gave you?"
Did you hear about the Jewish family who
kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?
From Israel comes the story of a guide
who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there
is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone
asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been
working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by,
say, "I wish you long life".
(#43) Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood,
I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp,
in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think
big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want
is a multi-storey carp ark."
(#44) First day
A proud young mother sees off her son
to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful
and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy
loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for
the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his
first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."
(#45) Trouble at School
"Hyman, you had better come over here
right away. There has been some trouble with your son."
"Vy, vot’s heppened?"
"I can’t discuss it over the phone, you
had better come."
So Hyman arrives at the school.
"I’m very sorry to tell you but we are
expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
"But vy, vot’s he done?"
"Well, to be quite frank, we found him
playing with his genitals."
"But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some
of my best friends are genitals."
(#46) The accident
Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident
in which Sadie’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Maurice
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
tuchass.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at Sadie’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and
on about her youthful beautiful skin!
One day, she was alone with Maurice and
she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss
you on the cheek."
(#47) The schmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck!
You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act
and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And
if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s
second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
(#48) The braggers
Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about
their sons.
Becky says, "My son is very successful.
He is the best lawyer in London."
Sadie says, "My son has done better than
that. He is the best doctor in London."
Hannah says, "My son has not done that
well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these
two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is
the best doctor in London."
(#49) up to (#62) inclusive
Please note that there are no jokes for
these numbers!
Comments
(#63) The car ride
Moshe was at his golf club and went into
the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His
own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift.
My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says,
"Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And
what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts
to ask, "But what's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry,
"I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
(#64) up to (#68)
Please note that there are no jokes for
these numbers!
(#69) The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness
box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years
old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my
question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't
want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question
and only the question."
The defence counsel then got up and said
to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards
Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."
(#70) At the hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair
dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how's that daughter
of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married
a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up
her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because
he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid,
or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in
nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how's your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married
a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out
to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made
him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get
a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get
her a nanny."
(#71) The missing years
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant
and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people
the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise
because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very
wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture
is 5,000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this.
"That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand
years?"
(#72)
No joke allocated
(#73) The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly,
one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and
had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd
waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team
coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards
fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#74) Issy the ventriloquist
Issy had received no work for six months.
So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
His agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists,
but there's plenty of work for psychics."
So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign
outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says,
"I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?"
Issy replies, "If you just talk to him,
£50. If he talks to you, a bit more, £70. But if you talk to
each other while I'm drinking a glass of water, that will be £150."
(#75) Chanukah story
Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks
and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the
dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just
right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a
bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah
gelt.
The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and
rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those
latkes.
To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a
few toys."
With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a
yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus,
kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a
dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his
fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach
gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was
the tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and
salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the
tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply
delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you
later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for
the seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they
came,
as he whistled and shouted and called
them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now
Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a
good night."
(#76) Three wishes
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president
were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked
the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they
replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately
after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to
give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted
to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers
replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to
sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting
two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers
asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."
(#77) The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its
name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a
replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave
lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate
the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their
milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to
mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to
mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all
day.
In desperation, the people asked their
rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our
cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and
vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you
buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise.
We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
(#78) The dry cleaners
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he
takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners.
They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the
tallis and an invoice for £50.
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small
tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to
clean the tallis, fourty five pounds to take out all those knots!"
(#79) The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome.
While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to
talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does
such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well
worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to
see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone.
"I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the
chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked,
"the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From
here it's just a local call."
(#80) and (#81)
No jokes allocated
(#82) The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into
a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly
neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi
Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must
be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with
you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's
another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't
break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and
passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands
it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having
any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police,"
says Rabbi Bloom.
(#83) The wedding
Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
"It's so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela.
Tell me, what's new?"
"I'm getting married, grandma."
"My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful.
Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
"Well, they're not like our people, grandma,
they're native Americans."
"So, they are first generation."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. They
live on a reservation."
"Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn't
cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. We
are getting married in a teepee."
"Oh, that's nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
"But grandma, I have to tell you that
you won't be able to come to the wedding."
"But why Sammela, your grandma has to
be at your wedding?"
"I'm sorry, but only native Americans
and persons with Indian names can attend."
"Well, then, I will be there."
"How grandma, you don't have an Indian
name."
"Yes Sammela, I do."
"What, grandma, what's your Indian name?"
"Sitting Shiva."
(#84) riddle
Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and then
begs the court for mercy - because he's an orphan.
(#85) Memories
Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83,
who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
"Moishe, I'm not the same any more. I
can't remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But
I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something
that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it
called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait!
Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose,
Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?"
(#86) JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to
attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni.
POB 77.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired
senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing.
Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both
Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for
the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.
POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys
Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB
90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to
meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate,
seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
POB 843.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write. POB 74.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB
53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite
frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
POB 655.
(#87)
No joke allocated
(#88) The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next
president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.
He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the
inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been
elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains.
I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train.
Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes.
Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher
food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White
House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take
you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the
front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become
the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and
says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
(#89) A matter of life and death
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers
on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest
grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you
survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about
me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."
(#90) The builder
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific
and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.
Many year's later, when a search party
finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues
on his tiny island.
"Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks
Benny.
Benny points to the nearest one and replies,
"That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside
if you paid me!"
(#91) The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up.
"I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've
only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had
sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have
any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor
his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife,"
said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during
the final illness."
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and
with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked
the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
"It'll seem longer."
(#92) The theft
Did you hear about the thieves that broke
into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars
in pledges!
(#93) How you can tell...
How you can tell that the person next
to you has not been to synagogue too often?
1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the
minister is talking?"
3. "I get the standing and the sitting
bit, but when do we kneel?"
4. "Does your prayer book have writing
in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
5. "Why do people keep coming in even
after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
6. "Do people always get up and walk out
just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
7. "This food after the service is really
good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only
took a little at a time?"
8. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler
on the Roof'."
9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
10. "You there, slow down, you're getting
ahead of the soloist!"
11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress
circle?"
12. "You'd think nobody has ever seen
a mobile phone."
13. "It's show time! They're opening the
curtains."
14. "Pardon me, but you have some string
hanging down from your scarf."
15. "The boy can't be more than 12 or
13 - and they let him read?"
16. "When do they take up the collection?"
(#94) Interview Question
There were four people who were in the
final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian,
one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company
decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the
president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants,
and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough
money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day,
he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that
he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question
the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the
Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the
fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That
would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it
is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank
you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the
Catholic woman.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have
to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a
blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked
her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest
thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied,
"I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and
immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good,"
replied the president.
Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was
asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would
have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why
do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was
lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"
(Bernie got the job....)
(#95) Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday.
As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty
said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn.
'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they
got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, they
asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument
between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See,
didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac
gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."
(#96) A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of
a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street.
He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the
street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns
it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able
to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed
by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop
and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets
£50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees
a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes
in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his
wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's
hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started
winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet
on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau
is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the
winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
(#97) Bernie
While leading the Friday evening services,
the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a
St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the
service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling
around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would
call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog.
The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis
(and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for
a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed
with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
Comments
(#98) Job search
My first job was working in an orange
juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they
gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming
pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I
finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in
it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT
FIT FOR THE JOB!
(#99) My Yiddishe Momma
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB
WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other,
do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come
out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of
OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back
of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach
is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MUM!
(#100) The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe,
a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have
exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet
and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two
sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny,
"but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they
were mine!"
(#101) Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the
earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.
One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they
invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to
go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the
experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile
on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing.
I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely
dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis
was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said,
"Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every
few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin,
off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
(#102) Henry's big problem
Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to
collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry,
but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples
to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we
don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation
is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs
Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you
do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical
insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says
Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor
recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting
next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac
and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might
you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where
did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two
miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school
did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva
University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert.
Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding
up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva
University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar,
sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his
head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg
twins are drunk again."
(#104) Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to
show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into
the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running
and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open,
tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the
couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch
and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the
dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all
the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that
expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's
dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore.
You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't
remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
(#105) A serious chat With Mum
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having
a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've
sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house
is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner
tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy,
"Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house
and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know
who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband
David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this
0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the
wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"
(#106) Riddles
Q. What's the name of a face lotion
developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vay
Q. What is the technical term for
a divorced Jewish woman?
A. "Plaintiff."
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to
keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.
Q. What's a Jewish woman's idea of
natural childbirth?
A. No make up whatsoever.
(#107)
No joke allocated
(#108) The visit
Becky's grandson and his wife are coming
to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to
her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders
Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the
front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button
32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With
your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am
I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
(#109)
No joke allocated
(#110) Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father
to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so
he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers
were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes
and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put
your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I
my brother's kipah?"
(#111) The Tailor
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and
sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical
little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is
that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have
come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You
sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I
mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's
different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's
annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
(#112) Oy Vey!
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge
in a house in Hendon.
Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about
the children already. Let's get back to the game."
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi.
"I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught
him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the
Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so
what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny.
"I make men's clothes."
(#114) Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted
to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him,
"I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God
to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime,
Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy
that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed,
Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase,
says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and
suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right.
You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents
before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect
the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?"
(#115) Watch that door!
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to
England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He
brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted
but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs
on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher
mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't
put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely
to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the
decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the
job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those
little boxes and left them on the table for you."
(#116)
No joke allocated
Comments
(#117) Adam’s payment
After Adam was created, there he was,
all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be
all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make
you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help
mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone
who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel
wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But
it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to
cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said
Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
(#118) The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking,
and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit
something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I've never told anybody
I'm a gay!"
John confesses, "I'm having an affair
with my boss's wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell
you...."
"Don't be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."
(#119) The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants.
One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and
declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and
replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you
can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I
bet you don't know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very
often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are
friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so
he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna
personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what
a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon
there. But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just
have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!"
said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA.
We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided
that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as
soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see
a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened
to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!"
and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's
have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn't believe
it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody
in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The
Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when
he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of
thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his
lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms
and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there,
looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The
Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin
was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what
had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and
finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the
Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the
middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed
all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools,
and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation
as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start
his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President
of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company
to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously
excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into
building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific
on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster
struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the
fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned
the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the
wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask
God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked
him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to
do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets
the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall
off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for
his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he
had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do.
On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly
above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next
test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell
the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never
doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes
would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old
man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah
broken on the perforation!"
(#121) The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible.
Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world,
and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The
crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer
when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which
of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#122) The Indian holiday
Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London,
goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
"Why India? It's filthy, very hot, and
it's filled to the brim with Indians. It's a long journey, and those trains,
how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for
you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables.
You'll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows.
What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why
torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and
off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell
and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-
ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells
her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the
guru.
"That's okay."
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed
portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She
is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready
to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches
the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three
words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not
prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her
arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home."
(#123) The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts
the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married
for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go
to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man
such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish,
why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"
(#124) Jewish Quickies
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their
wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
A: Because they are worth it.
Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering.
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst
waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head
and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”
(#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea,
chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So
where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard,
payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.
No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush
after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for
your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again?
(I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome,
virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you
can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain
climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who
got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
(#126) The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to
be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy
my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my
daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will
you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously
asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy.
I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
(#127) Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly
Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him
to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought
him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a
few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly,
take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and
asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and
be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK
but to live here....!?"
(#128) How he got his job
David has done well for himself and is
Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are
walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers
stops and calls out
"What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi,"
Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker,
and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he
turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same
high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to laugh. "You don't realise
how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife
of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not
really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"
(#129) What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen
in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the
father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the
girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name
and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl.
Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with
a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another
girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the
girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me
very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established
family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name
one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
(#130) The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful
Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them
if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin
and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager,
an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter
learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over
to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching
him English."
(#131) Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler
on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
Somehow, they've been lucky and manage
to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty
seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat
in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and
asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand,
we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's
seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for
being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything,
this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend
or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're
all at the shiva."
(#132) The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events
taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah
Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of
particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
(1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault
competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting
the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered
a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy,"
such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or,
the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
(2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place
in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what
do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
(3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the
Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe.
Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application
of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum.
Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher
SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
(4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple:
to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of
matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to
the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will
be used in the shot put competition.
(5)Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will
involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must
cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating
this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If
the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified,
but will still be required to run the marathon.
(6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes,
the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches
of the chanukiah.
(7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper
that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount
of time will be declared winner.
(8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl
must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is
the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(9)Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics,
this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks
on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three
C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the
"three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
(#133) The Jewish dog
Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
The shammas comes up to him and says,
"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says Nathan, "this
is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees
that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get
him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
"You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants
to be a marketing manager."
(#134) The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman
was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000
bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass
and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came
into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in
a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the
barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman
clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid
the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional
strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for
the Jewish National Fund."
(#135) Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple,
are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly,
over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news
is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate
our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted -
I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never
be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if
not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine,
dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies
paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for
the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
(#136) Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets
pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your
wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness -
I'd thought I'd gone deaf."
(#137) Hello
- Hello, that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you
lend me feefty punds?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you
called...
(#138) The rowing crew
Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided
to put together a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better
than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand
any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University
team.
So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid
in the bullrushes off the river from where he carefully watched the
Oxford team as they practised.
Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he
announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only
one guy shouting."
(#139) Two little boys talking
“I'm getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I had that done when I was just a few
days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn't walk for a year.”
(#140) Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her
husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and
she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to
them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril,
for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next
seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table,
holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance,
was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that
with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat
and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your
Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba.
We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and
his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels
are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn
to speak English?"
(#141) Sir Chicken Matthews
A Sunday League Jewish football team is
desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced
to play a kosher chicken in their team.
Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a
brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next
its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very
pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the
way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really
fit".
"Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to
keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour
in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the referee.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the
chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card
and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref.
and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I
had no choice - Professional Fowl"
(#142) The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check
up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some
bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he
replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't
afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you
a year to live."
(#143) Giving to charity
Leah gives 50p to her daughter Sarah.
The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin.
Wondering what she had done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 50p
I gave you, darling?"
"I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
"Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow
you will have £1."
The next day, true to her word, Leah gives
Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the
coin.
"What did you do with the £1?"
"Oh, today I saw the same old woman,"
begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
go to fifth set
Comments
(#144) The Headache.
Sadie goes to see
her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and
talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden,
Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache
is gone!"
To which the rabbi
replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
(#145) The rumpus
Maurice has a business
appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points
to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice
settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However,
he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus
coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice
goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's
a partners' meeting."
"But why are they
shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of
wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who
is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
(#146) The flight
Moishe was on a
flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl,
really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing
in NY?"
"I'm finishing my
Ph.D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of
which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the
conclusion?"
"The two groups
are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you,
my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"
(#147) The deal
Joseph had just
passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they
could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and
said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school
grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month
Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of
the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph,
I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph
waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi
replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
(#148) Telling
the future
Bush was very curious
about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called
the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they
came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas.
They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray,
and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'.
When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit
of news."
Bush wanted to see
this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to
read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue
on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh,
don’t talk now, Bush is coming."
(#149) Three sons
Three sons left
England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they
met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built
a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent
her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You
remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very
well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All
mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards,
a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house
you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain
in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
(#150) The operation
The dentist told
Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do
you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his
head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
(#151)
No joke allocated
(#152) The impossible
wish.
Tony Blair was on
holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he
got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving
out one wish. So...what'll it be?"
Tony didn't hesitate.
He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting
with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked
at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war
for years! I'm good, but I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done.
So make another wish."
Tony thought for
a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are
beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone
trust me more. That's my wish."
The Genie thought
for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
(#153) The Rabbi's
Advice.
Abe goes to see
his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked,
"What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My
wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very
surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the
Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says,
"Yes."
"Take the poison,"
says the Rabbi.
(#154) Saved by
the bear?
Solomon is out in
the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon
runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave.
But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave
and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma
Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he
opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his
eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky
am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're
mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's
prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
(#155) Quickies
Q: What's the definition
of chutzpah?
A: A boy who
kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.
Q: What's a Jewish
Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent
Cross Shopping Centre.
(#156) The two
sons
Bette and Freda
were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail
sentences.
Bette says: "Oy,
my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never
speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and
he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well,
mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time
in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
"Oy," says Bette,
"You must get such naches from Jacob."
(#157) The 10
commandments
The Hebrew people
were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among
them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had
been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around
its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling
down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the
waiting mass.
The end of day was
approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came
through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy
load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his
load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work
and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible
argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The
good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is:
Adultery is still in."
(#158) The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish
astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My
mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during
the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must
make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called
and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."
(#159) RSVP.
Avrahom and Betty
were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class
wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son,
the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom
good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the
problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the
shop.
"Darling, I've figured
it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
(#160) Is sex
work?
A priest, a minister
and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
The priest says,
"It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says,
"It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I'm
not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone
to come in and do it for her."
(#161) We want
to get divorced
91-year-old Monty
and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.
Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both
so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We
were just waiting for the children to die."
(#162) The joke
David is telling
a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie
were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi
interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your
jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic
group for once will you David!"
So David starts
again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar
Mitzvah...."
(#163) The visit
to Mars.
Two astronauts make
the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face
with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make
contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"They look pretty
primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into
the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The
Martians look interested.
"I think it's working
- light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut
turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians
turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the
first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the
Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men,
frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"
(#164) The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman
friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is
eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes
time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts
McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the
headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered
in alley."
(#165) Jews in
China
Sid and Al were
sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al,
"Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know,"
Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter
came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir,
let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly
returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?"
Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still
gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people
are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter
returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really
sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone,"
the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato
jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
(#166)
No joke allocated
(#167) Sabbath
Violator.
Morris and Lenny
are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds
past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing
his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny,
"I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at
him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute,"
Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side
of the Story', about the command to judge other people favourably? I'll
bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick
and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was
running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his
wife's having a baby."
"She had one last
week."
"Well, maybe he
needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's
running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he
need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is
a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he
forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows
it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk
Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really
observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not
notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
(#168) A stay
in hospital
Rabbi Levy had to
spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who
was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the
crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly,
"Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled
Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
(#169) A Jewish
Mother's Letter.
Dear Darling Son
and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well.
Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe
or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands
of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds
in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows
their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much
for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll
stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so
Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would
have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never
let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid
surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time
for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last
week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since
they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take
every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
-- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love, Mum
(#170) The Old
Man
Arnold had reached
the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around
and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got
to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten
about me and I don't want to remind him."
(#171) Saving
Money
Abe's son arrived
home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be
so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all
the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10."
(#172) Moishe
Cohen
Walking through
London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the
sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?"
he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop
and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers,
"Is name of owner."
The tourist asks,
"Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here,"
replies the old man.
"You? How did you
ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says
the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand
in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
Poland.
Lady look at him
and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe
Cohen.'
Then she look at
me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
(#173) A Good
Read
Abe is sitting on
a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best
friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing
reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The
Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems
in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about
good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews
control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
Better to read nothing but good news!"
(#174) The plaque
One Saturday morning,
the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that
hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small
British flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi,"
replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is
this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's
a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood
together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely
audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
(#175) Shadchen
1
A shadchen, having
sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect
to see her.
Cyril took one look
at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?"
asked the shadchen.
"You said she was
young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she
was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely,
but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have
to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
(#176) Shadken
2
A shadken goes to
see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies,
"I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds,
"But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken
approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter
is too young to marry."
"But this young
man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken
goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young
man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have
more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young
man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
(#177) God’s Email!
One day God was
looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided
to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned,
he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad
and 5% was good.
God thought a moment
and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of
view.
When the female
angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and
5% was good.
God thought about
what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that
were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them,
something to help keep them going.
Do you know what
the e-mail said?....
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
No???
/
/
/
/
/
/
/...
Oh! YOU didn't get
one either.
(#178) Hagbah!
In their infinite
wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul.
With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints
in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again.
He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course -
push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later,
he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks
up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While
the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just
in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says,
"What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies,
"Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
(#179) Abe and
Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe
one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses
at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money
already."
"How can I get into
it, Moishe?"
"Well, I have a
horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll
let you have it for £120,000."
Abe agreed and gave
Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
Three days later,
Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The
horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe
runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's
new?"
"Umm, things are
well. And with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not
upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe.
In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It
was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle.
I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner
upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so,
I gave him back his £5!"
(#180) Exclusive
Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging
Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only
Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy
for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked,
his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer.
O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him
to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after
playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he
hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My
name is Goldberg."
"What do you do
for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm
a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always
wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant.
Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to
tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
Comments
(#181) Bagels
A German comes to London and stays with
Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast
together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels
like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who's
fault is that?"
(#182) Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk
to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million
years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million
pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have
a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
(#183) Politics
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation
is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world.
Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds
a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress
one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've
got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're
nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare
war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats
a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports,
schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid.
Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister,
"that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
(#184) The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other
Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows
more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he
does, you tell him everything."
(#185) Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of
an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of
a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that
for a Jewish boy?"
(#186) All we ever seem to hear is Jewish
jokes so here are two gentile jokes
Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear
department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £500."
Patrick says, "OK, I'll take it."
Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know
you 're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come
up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
(#187) Jewish logic.
Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do
we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!”
Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we
insert it there?”
Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert
M in ‘Yitzhak’?”
And Hymie then says, “But that's exactly
what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
(#188) Jewish Mothers
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be
buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit
her twice a week.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and
you only visit me when you need money.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when
her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: Who's doing the catering?
Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers
smoke?
A: Gefiltered.
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good
parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
(#189) You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in
Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting
the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so
thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could
you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where
is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him
in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation,
Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered
cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall
spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot.
I said RICH doctor!"
(#190) All In A Days Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging
about their children.
Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first
class honours degree from Oxford and he's now a doctor making £250,000
a year in Harley Street."
Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first
class honours degree from Cambridge and he's now a lawyer making half a
million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school,
never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working
as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "So what's a
sports repairman?"
Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches,
rugby matches, cricket matches....."
(#191) Last Wish
Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe,
are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start
getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can
each have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks Chuck,
an American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve
Chuck with his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief
asks Thomas, a Londoner.
"I'd like to smoke my cigar," which they
let him do.
Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What's
your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my bum."
"Be serious," says the chief.
"Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
"OK," says the chief and delivers the
requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other
cannibals while the rest run away.
Chuck and Thomas are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place
so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they ask Abe.
Abe replies, "Are you mad? If I had done
that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
(#192) Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the
least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came
to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David
put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you
every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change
in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
(#193) The Donations
Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the
Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation
last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year.
The synagogue Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able
to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?"
he asked.
"It is very simple. First you ensure all
windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your
usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on
a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to
the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as
suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage
of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying
mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was
becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the
floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
go to seventh set
Comments
(#194) The dinner date
Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to
go out to dinner.
Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says
to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I
put on the Gucci outfit?”
“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.
Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear
my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”
“Who gives a damn?” says Shlomo.
Yetta then says to Shlomo “Darling, shall
I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?”
To which Shlomo responds “Hey, if you
don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird
Special!”
(#195) The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the
street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see
a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET £20.’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s
going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of
doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo,
I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into
the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your £20?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that
all you people think of?”
(#196) The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking
for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely
disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says,
“You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew
four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”
(#197) Differences between Jewish Men
and Women.
• Women have more imagination than men.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have
only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either
eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2
for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a
£2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs
are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish
women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever
necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first
love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's
last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must
understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a
man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women
marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until
she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory
of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory
of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't
understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a
man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having
her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single
men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes
– it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that
a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good
the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make
great pets.
(#198) Commitment
Most men fantasise in having a relationship
with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a
woman means giving up his fantasy.
Most women fantasise in having a relationship
with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment
to a man means achieving her fantasy.
Conclusion: commitment means
that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
(#199) The Saucer
Roberto is an art connoisseur and one
day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front
of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the
saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into
the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty
and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my
offer to £10."
"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed
the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind
throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's
my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
(#200) Competition
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls
up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles
at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got
a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over
and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got
a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen,
have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says,
"Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got
a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately
drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in
the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb
bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the
Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows
fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo
stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
David stated arrogantly.
"Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me
out of the shower to tell me this?"
(#201) Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters
in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he
wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I
can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the
early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims
"Penis Van Lesbian."
"'S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies
the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have
to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but
steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe.
"Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man
replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis
Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual
medical records from Israeli hospitals...
• Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid
heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better
and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his
pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
• The patient's past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset
of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema
at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of
good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around
the room.
(#203) The Lucky Frog
Abe lives in Tel Aviv. One day, he takes
the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Abe thinks nothing of
it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". Abe looks around
and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." And then Abe realises
that the frog is doing the talking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He
hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow,
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit.
Lucky frog." Abe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" Abe asks. "Ribbit.
3 wood." Abe takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Abe is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say ..
By the end of the day, Abe has golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Abe says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, Abe
asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black
6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
Abe figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. Abe takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
Kiss Me." Abe figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room."
(#204) Men's Guide to Women
* Single women complain that all good
men are married,
* All married women complain about their
lousy husbands.
Conclusion: There is no such thing
as a good man.
(#205) THE JEWISH RULES
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any
time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows
all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to
a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did
or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must
apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an
apology.
• The female may change her mind at any
time.
• The male must never change his mind
at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the
woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry
or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times,
unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances,
let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are
null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman
is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women
will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women's
time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at
all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the
female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her
character.
(#206) The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood
up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;
same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat
on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When
he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife,
Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called -- you left
your wheelchair there again."
(#207) New Career
Moishe came home from work one day to
find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed.
Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, "I'm going to
Las Vegas."
Moishe questioned her as to why she was
going, and Yvonne told him "I just found out that I can make £1,000
a night doing what I give you for free." Moishe pondered that for a while,
went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and
his wife.
Yvonne said, "And just where do you think
you are going?"
Moishe replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" She asked.
Moishe said, "I want to see how you are
going to live on £1,000 a year."
(#208) The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells
his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says
the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish
husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you
want a speaking part!!"
(#209) Riddles
Q: Why is it so important for the groom
at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it's probably the last time
he'll put his foot down.
Q: What do you call a Jewish man who's
lost 80% of his brain?
A: A widower!
(#210) The Jewish husband
Moishe is talking to one of his friends.
“My wife Bettie will never have to work.
All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”
His friend said “That’s nice to hear,
I am sure she appreciates you”.
“Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moishe.
“Bettie thinks I’m too nosy. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary,
anyway.”
(#211) Jewish Marriage advice
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They
may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”
go to eighth set
Comments
(#212) The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping
his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his
unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided
to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay
when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night
of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend
ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest
honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace.
“The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret
it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the
Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to
her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice,
on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with
her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst
out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with
a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight
different from all other knights?”
(#213) Mind reader
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest
and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take
a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was
still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get
lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he
struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian
and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and
drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for
a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner
he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs,
drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite
late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day
remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was
in the furniture business.
(#214) The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous
night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all
over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for
five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my
wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's
body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others
say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs.
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
(#215) You can't hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda
over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started
to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking,
mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did"
take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter
from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish
mother.
(#216) Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children
ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium
pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but
she doesn't really care.
Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.
It's one of life's mysteries - how
a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.
Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish
woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
The trouble with some Jewish women is that
they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
(#217) The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are
your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
(#218) The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house
when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave
it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got
the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked
her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had
a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time
I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.
(#219) Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying
a 'shiksa.'
The son replied, "But she's converting
to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa
will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we
always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the
son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying
a shiksa would cause problems."
(#220) The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his
father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is
your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could
just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a
piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen.
After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for
after the funeral."
(#221) The special order
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a
cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite
in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy
a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to
the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am
by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping
load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of
his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig
with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at
Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from
the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What
do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in
Poland."
(#222) Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800's, Moishe had to go
to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked,
"How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too
much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!".
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n,
I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you
could do sumtink for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk.
"We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the
clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and
if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't
never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian;
you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and
get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and
off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver
asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far
away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who
then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and
forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should
I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too
far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and
once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still
see 'em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and this
time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks
dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still
too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours
for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still
saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading
his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian
now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now
you can shoot 'em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah,
I couldn' shoot'em." "Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded
the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and held
his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could
I shoot 'em? I've known him ince he was dis big!"
(#223) Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to
retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new
bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for
the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer,
said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove
he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when
Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and
charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through
the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses
crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring
the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped
and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called
out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don't know
but his face rings a bell."
(#224) Quasimodo Levy - 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church
without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless
man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man's
brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother,
declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position
and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally).
The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother
charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow
tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running
into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato
- hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time
to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the
same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was
to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and
asked, "who was that man?"
Replied Quasimodo Levy, "I don't know,
but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
(#225) Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months
ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after
seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted
in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other
women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want
the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something
OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions
and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut
blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the
car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is
not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective
than deceived.
(#226) Noah's ark
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is
the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily,
I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let
me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon
12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that
ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto
Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor
hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside
and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on
strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath
formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”
And the Lord grew angry and said, “And
what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have
ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the
earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered
unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”
And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns,
and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying,
“Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love
nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord,
Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah,
my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend
upon the earth?”
(#227) A sign of prosperity
Maurice started his very own business,
which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man.
One day, his bank manager rang him and said, “Maurice, I have a query on
one of your recent cheques. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years,
you've been signing all cheques with two X’s but this one is signed with
three X’s. Is it yours?”
Maurice replied, “Yes, it is. Since I've
become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”
(#228) Latest inventions from Chelm
· A water-proof towel
· Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
· A solar powered torch
· A book called ‘how to read’
· Water-proof tea bags
· A pedal-powered wheel chair
· A full index for a dictionary
(#229) Short summary of every Jewish
holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.
(#230) The Jewish diamond ring
A businessman boarded a plane and sat
next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning
diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah
said, "it's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."
(#231) The Arab and the little old Jewish
man
An Arab was walking through the Sahara
desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting
at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst,
can I have some water?".
Hymie replied "I don't have any water,
but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie,
I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you
what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4
miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water
you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards
the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling
back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles
over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right.
But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
(#232) The Bush
George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby
and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white
beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some
stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired,
"Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George and stared at the
ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly
in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and
asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated
voice, "Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity
and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty
years in the desert".
(#233) The Japanese tourist
A tourist from Japan is walking the streets
of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without
success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me.
Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"
(#234) At the tavern
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees
his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and
yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered,
"Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"
(#235) The Jewish mother
The remarkable thing about my mother is
that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original
meal has never been found.
(#236) Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El
Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant
asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
(#237) The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev
Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare
occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe,
the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old
mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check
it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the
archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of
death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his
hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
(#238) The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing
a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on
a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks,
"Every Wednesday?"
(#239) The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold
and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the
local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through
the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled
in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to
the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels?
Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One
for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my
mother would send me out on a night like this?"
(#240) Getting Old
God grant me the senility to forget the
people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow
up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still
have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and
All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my
body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to
get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could
use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to
your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would
have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're
everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
what I'm here after.
go
to nineth set
Comments
(#241) Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day
when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If
you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein
immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry
but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m
happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.” The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the
world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem,
because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for
me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked
to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr
Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what's mine
is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third
wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches.
Don't mess with them.
(#242) A very important question
Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
One day in June, he goes on holiday with
his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore
on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages
and interests between them.
Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah
what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything,
all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love
me, Sarah?”
“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss
you too.”
(#243) An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through
his wife Suzie’s bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000
in cash. He just didn’t know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie
with this evidence. “You don’t even play golf!”
“I know dear.” Suzie said. “We’ve had
some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other
men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer
to remind me of my error.”
“I see,” replied Jack. “That explains
the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?”
“Oh,” beamed Suzie, “every time I collected
a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”
(#244) The book purchase
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually
inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How
to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his
latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
(#245) The champion of champions
One day, some builders are renovating
an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through
the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles,
Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is
wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”
(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time.
One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last
and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for
fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat
for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess
which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head
in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How
did you know?"
"I don't like her."
(#247) I’ve lost my appetite
Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda,
were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand
something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I
try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor,
the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite
I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get
an appetite.
So I tried it and it was true. So
take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and
you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet again in
the park.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now?
Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I took your advice.
First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring.
I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings. But Gertrude,
your advice didn't work for me. Would you believe, when lunch time
came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
(#248) I can’t sleep
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor.
"If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking
your
trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy.
"My wife refuses to sleep alone."
(#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers
to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered. But the next day,
Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment.
It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
One day, while he was dressing, Maurice
reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt
for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which
fortunately was still there.
Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked,
"Are my trousers here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor.
"Be ready next Tuesday."
(#250) The interview
Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job
interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which
was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking
for.
Thinking of his large family and the many
bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he'd needs around
£50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today's market
and with Solly's limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k
per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him "...listen
even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring
home the bacon!!"
(#251) The recovery
Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia
after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting
at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
beautiful."
Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while
he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Kitty
asked Irwin.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
(#252) I can hear you
Maurice Goldblatt was showing off.
He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It
cost me £2,000.
Sam said, "That’s expensive, isn’t it?
"
Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state
of the art."
"What kind is it?" Sam asked.
"A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.
(#253) The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down
the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It's not just one...there
are dozens of them!"
(#254) The obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah,
phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
Sarah said to them, "This is what I want
you to print: ....Bernie is dead."
The JC man said, "But for £25, you
are allowed to print six words."
Sarah answered, "Okay, then print:
.....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
(#255) Who Made You?
Five year old Emma was sitting on her
grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time
to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s
wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again. Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made
me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make
me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God
made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again,
Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
(#256) Questions and Answers
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's
offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
(#257) And God Created Israel
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels
and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will
be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all
kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance
of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich
so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,
and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you
think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and
see the neighbours I am going to give them."
(#258) Survivor
Flush with the success of its latest creation,
CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near
Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is
a final survivor who gets £1 million (but placed into a trust
that does not vest until age 59).
The Rules:
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways
or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus
or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done
in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for
all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women),
or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved
by the Tribe, without any help from any gentile.
11. No consulting with lawyers.
Only problem: We hear there have been
no applicants as yet.
(#259) The question
[My thanks to Roberto Haddon
for the following riddle]
How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Answer: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
(#260) The operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying
on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get
my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you
here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had
that done when! I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
(#261) Eternal Jewish Truths of Your
Grandmother’s Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say
it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not
Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews
say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty
percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey;
North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re
bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry
but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing
to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two
will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating
a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke
salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after
that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s
ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life
when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens
at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork
and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means
your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t
afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure
you tell everybody what you paid.
go to tenth set
Comments
(#262) Puzzle
What’s better than God
More evil than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people want it
And if you eat it you die?
ANSWER: See after joke #267 - “the hospital
visitor”
(#263) Pre-wedding conversation
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance
to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of
the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not.
I am the groom’s mother.”
(#264) Post-wedding conversation
Rachel was talking to her best friend
Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth,
Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she
leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose
two and a half stone!”
(#265) The departure
Freda and Kitty had been chatting for
some time.
After a while, Kitty said, “I’ve got to
rush, Freda, I’m off to a stone setting”
Freda replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear
that. Where are you going, Bushey?”
“No”, said Kitty, “Hatton Garden.”
(#266) Jewish Chronicle advertisement
WIFE WANTED.
PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER123
To which 5,000 replies were received “You
can have mine.”
(#267) The hospital visitor
Moishe was in hospital recovering from
an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She said she was there to cheer up the
sick.
They started talking and she soon asked
about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
“Well, well” the nun says, “11 children,
a good and proper Catholic family. I’m sure that G-d is very, very proud
of you.”
“I’m sorry”, says Moishe, “I’m not Catholic,
I’m Jewish.”
“Jewish!”, she screams, “You’re a sex
maniac.”
Answer to #262 puzzle is:
(nothing)
(#268) The dinner guest
Maurice and Sadie invited Nigel, their
gentile neighbour for a Passover dinner. The first course was served and
Sadie said to Nigel, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
When Nigel saw the two large matzoh balls
in the soup, he was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. But Maurice
gently persuaded him to try it. “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it,
you don’t have to finish it, honestly.”
So Nigel has a taste. He digs his spoon
in and picks up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup. He tastes
it gingerly and finds he likes it very much. Quickly he finishes his plate.
“That was delicious”, says Nigel. “Can
you eat any other part of the matzoh?”
(#269) A meeting of boats
A small boat was sailing in Israeli water
when Moishe’s smart boat pulled alongside.
A man on the deck of the sailboat yells,
“Ahoy.”
To which Moishe shouts back “Ahoy, yoi,
yoi!”
(#270) Business always was business
The time is the French Revolution.
Yossi lived in a small village and one
day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to
Paris.
Yossi asked Roberto what was happening
in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
“Yes, you heard right”, said Roberto,
“conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s
heads in their thousands.”
“Oy vay”, moaned Yossi, “whatever will
happen to my hat business?”
(#271) It’s all OK - 1
David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, “You and I use the same call
girl and I’ve discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much
as she charges me. Aren’t you angry?”
“No”, replies Paul, “I use the double
entry system.”
(#272) It’s all OK - 2
Moishe owned a PC shop in Golders Green.
Unfortunately, the shop was robbed on night and much stock was taken.
Henry, his friend heard of the robbery
and went to visit Moishe.
“I’m very sorry to hear of the robbery”,
says Henry. “Did you lose much?”
“I did lose some big items but it’s all
OK, I’m quite lucky really. I’m glad it didn’t happen one night earlier.”
“Why?” says Henry.
“Well”, replies Moishe, “just on the day
of the theft, I marked everything down by 20% in readiness for my annual
Sale!”
(#273) A visit to his doctor
Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to give me something
to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl
tonight.”
His doctor said, “Hold on a second, you’re
70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”
Benjamin replies, “But doctor, my friend
Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.”
“OK”, says the doctor, “so you say it
too!”
(#274) The Party –1
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv
and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost
his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve
just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that
finds my wallet, I will give £50.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted,
“I will give £75.”
(#275) The party – 2
During the party, Becky was introduced
to Dr. Selnick.
“Oh doctor”, says Becky, sidling up to
him, “I’m so glad to meet you. You see I have this problem. Every time
I raise my arm above my head, I get a pain in my right side.”
“I’m sorry”, says Dr. Selnick, “I’m afraid
I can’t help you. I happen to be a doctor of Economics.”
“Well, in that case”, says Becky, “tell
me, should I sell my Marks and Spencer shares now?”
(#276) The reading of the Will
Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing
before the family and reads out Moishe’s last Will and testament.
“To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus
and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht
and £250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always
insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”
(#277) The fight
Moishe had a fight with Sadie, his wife,
and went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone
home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologise.
“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you
making for dinner?”
“What am I making, you bast**d? Poison,
that’s what I’m making, poison.”
Moishe replies, “So make just one portion,
I’m not coming home.”
(#278) The last wish
Beckie was dying and on her deathbed,
she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.
“Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these
years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that
I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want
you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Tony said.
“You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10”
(#279) That’s entertainment
Sharon had lived a good life, having been
married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at
the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then
an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem
appropriate for a Jewish woman.”
“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s
one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”
(#280) At Bushy cemetery
Moishe heard the loud crying of a woman
and went to investigate.
A woman was at a grave and was weeping
“Oh, Joseph, it’s been 4 years since you left me but I still miss you so
much.”
Moishe asked her “Who are you mourning?”
“My husband”, she replied, “I miss him
dearly.”
But Moishe noticed something strange,
and said to her “Your husband? But it says on the headstone IN MEMORY OF
FREDA GOLDBERG”
“Oh yes”, she replied, “he put everything
in my name.”
(#281) The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says,
“Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?”
“Yes.”
“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was
in hospital.”
“Yes.”
“How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?”
Isaac replies, “In 3 weeks time, please
G-d, it will be a month.”
(#282) A look back in anger
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating
their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders
Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor,
went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked.
“Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 5th anniversary
I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would
get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been
a free man tonight!”
(#283) The big question
Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and accessories.
Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different
things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”
(#284) A quickie
It won’t be long now”, said the rabbi
as he circumcised the little boy.
(#285) Discussion group
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every
Wednesday in Brent Cross for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee
and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion
is very negative.
One day, Moishe surprises his friends
by announcing, loud and clear, “You know what? I’ve now become an optimist.”
Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation
dries up.
But then Sam notices something isn’t quite
right and he says to Moishe, “Hold on a minute, if you’re an optimist,
why are you looking so worried?”
Moishe replies, “Do you think it’s easy
being an optimist?”
(#286) The Value of Children
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time
in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her
children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter
is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me
Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty
and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no
grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
(#287) A Flucky
Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by
a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah,
his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So?
What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky."
["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible!
What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I
forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state
of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours "My Bernard was hit by
a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country,
when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best
thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking
about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly
agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong.
He got off lucky."
go to eleventh set
Comments
(#288) The end of a good holiday
Manny was out with his best friends, Joe
and Bette, one evening when he suddenly collapsed and died. His friends
were naturally totally shocked.
Joe pointed to Manny and said to Bette,
"How good he looks, how relaxed, how tanned, how healthy!"
"And why not?" replied Bette, "He just
spent three weeks in Eilat."
(#289) The prayer
Moishe goes for a walk in the woods. Suddenly,
a 6-foot-tall grizzly bear appears and
approaches him at quite a fast pace. Moishe
stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then Moishe
notices that the bear has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began
praying. Saved!
But as Moishe approaches the bear with
an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears the bear conclude
his prayer with, "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen".
(#290) More quickies.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat
belt?
A: A Safer Torah!
Q: You're at a Jewish wedding... how can
you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?
A: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's
mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal
wedding the Rabbi is pregnant
Q: What do you call a Jewish water bed?
A: The Dead Sea
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset
with a beagle?
A: A bagel
(#291) The examination
Doctor Jacobs finished his examination
and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?"
Herman moaned.
"I'm not at all worried about your headaches,"
Dr. Jacobs replied.
"If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't
worry about them either," said Herman.
(#292) The conversation
Manny goes into a restaurant and orders
fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's
walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny
is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the
waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just
schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to
live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home
town.”
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, “How should I know? I haven’t
been there in years!”
(#293) The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon
when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the
third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shames replied, "You put him to sleep.
You wake him up.”
(#294) Enduring love - 1
"Moishe, will you still love me when my
hair is grey?" asks Yente.
"Of course,” says Moishe. “I've loved
you through blond, brunette, red and every other colour. Why not grey?”
(#295) Enduring love - 2
Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married.
On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would
you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married
you no matter who had left you a fortune.”
(#296) The principle
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi,
you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business
when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm
not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles
of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know
nothing about."
(#297) The complaint
Freda had just finished her fish dinner.
She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
"I've tasted fresher fish," said Freda.
"Not in here," replied the waiter.
(#298) The two farmers
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel
and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo.
“I'm also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?”
asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred
at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a
question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your
farm?" asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive
from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once
had a car like that."
(#299) Relax a while
Shlomo and Moishe are stranded on an island
in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Shlomo is trying hard to build a fire,
whilst Moishe sits on a rock and stares out to sea.
"Why don’t you come over here and help
me build this fire or they will never find us!" Moishe replies, "Don’t
worry. I gave £10,000 to the JIA last year. Shlomo, believe me, they'll
find us!"
(#300) The start of it all
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing
when life begins.
The priest says: "In our religion, life
begins at conception."
The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe
that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong.
In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog
dies."
(#301) The trip
Sarah, a middle aged Jewish woman goes
in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat
up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in
all it takes Sarah months of hardship to track down this guru. When she
finds him, he is in the middle of some kind of ritual, which will last
for days and the guru's followers won't let Sarah see him. Finally the
guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted.
Sarah stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to
come home!"
(#302) It’s obvious
Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders
Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining
quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
"Nu," says Jacob. "So when are you going
to open the umbrella?"
"It won't do us any good," says Issy.
"It's full of holes."
"So why then did you bring it?" replies
Jacob.
"Because," Issy says with shrug, "I didn't
think it would rain."
(#303) Life’s problems - 1
Maurice, Sam and Benny always met once
a week in Edgware to discuss the world’s situation. On one occasion, they
tried to solve the problem of life.
"What is the problem of life?" asked Benny.
The more they talked about it, the more
they thought they knew the answer. The problem of life is that everyone
has worries. “If people didn't have any worries,” said Sam, “then life
would be easy.”
But now that they knew, another question
remained, how can we three end our worries?
They thought for a while and then Maurice
said, “Why don’t we hire somebody to do all the worrying for us so that
we can then have it easy?”
Sam said, “Great idea. It wouldn’t be
easy, I know, but between us, we could pay him well to make up for the
difficulty of the role.”
So they all agreed to chip in to pay someone
£600 a month to do all their worrying for them.
They were very happy with this decision
until Sam pointed out the flaw.
"Tell me," he said, “If the man is making
£600 each month, what has he got to worry about?”
(#304) Life’s problems - 2
Two shlemiels are kvetching about life.
One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is,
death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not
to have been born at all."
"True," says his friend. "But how many
men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
(#305) I’ve got it!
Sidney, a Jewish scientist, wanted to
know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists,
but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole of his science
department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time
but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night
thinking about it until finally it dawned on them.
(#306) The conversation
Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying
in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up
to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me,
what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling
G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter
who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular
Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No,
but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
(#307) Egon Ronay, you’re not
Two Jewish students were rooming together
in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
One day, when Sam came home, he did not
find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What's
with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”
Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef
caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with
the chicken soup.”
(#308) Out for a drive
Rifka and Abe had just left Ken Wood and
Rifka was driving them home in their old Ford Cortina. They had just turned
into Winnington Avenue, Hampstead Garden Suburb and were moving down hill
when their brakes fail.
Rifka is pressing the brake pedal as hard
as she can and she's also trying to tear the hand brake out by the roots,
but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.
"Oy Vay," she wails, "Abe, what should
I do, what should I do?"
"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something
cheap!"
(#309) Honesty
"You're in great shape," says the doctor.
"You're going to live to be 70."
"But I am 70," Issy replies.
"Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
(#310) Announcements in synagogue newsletters
o Join us for our celebration after services.
Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at
the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and
don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth
of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men’s Club is warmly invited to
the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a
nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new
fundraising campaign slogan last week
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking
for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be
given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the
hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing
of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
o We are taking up a collection to defray
the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
o Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue
help.
(#311) The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument
with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men
and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous
sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really
mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give
sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”
(#312) The put-me-down
One day, a chazan was bragging and boasting
about the quality of his voice.
He told his friend, “Do you know that
I even insured my voice for £750,000?”
His friend replied, “So what have you
done with the money?”
(#313) Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an
elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear
Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty
that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should
now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but
I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with
this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs,
I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen,
I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”
(#314) The Court Hearing
Judge to member of the jury who was about
to be sworn in but who had told the Court that he was deaf in one ear.
“You really can’t serve on the jury”
“Why not?”
“Because you can only hear one side”
(#315) Advance warning – next year’s
Tax Budget
The Government is going to put a tax on
Tallisim. They are being classed as fringe benefits
(#316) We are what we eat
Mrs Herman from London was visiting some
friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on
his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go
over to him.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you
look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.”
“I smoke four packets of cigarettes a
day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of
fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise.”
“Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve
never heard anything like this before. How old are you?”
“I’m twenty six” he replied.
(#317) The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv,
Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to
show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover,
but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”
go to twelfth set
Comments
(#318) The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check
up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have
a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to
her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told
me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a
mackerel'"
(#319) Jewish Telegram
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
(#320) The bible
The following statements about the Bible
were written by children.
o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
o The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.
o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide
to find the ten amendments.
o The first commandment was when Eve told
Adam to eat the apple.
o The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery."
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is
when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300
wives and 700 porcupines
(#321) Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of
his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had
no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm,
intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks.
Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish
matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon --
Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara."
"Who?"
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England,
that’s who."
"A shikseh?"
The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened
times, what's wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family,
with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have
excellent social connections, they're wealthy and the princess is a real
beauty. Look, I'll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman --- Princess Zara
Phillips.
Benny thought the names looked very good
together, but said, "I also have to consider aunt Bette. She is very religious
and if she found out Solomon was marrying a shikseh, she'd kill herself."
So an appointment was made to see Bette.
For several hours, the matchmaker pleaded,
argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears
in her eyes, Bette said, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so
old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make
Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I won’t object.
I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name
so no one will know my shame."
Even though he was worn out, the matchmaker
left Bette’s house in high spirits. As soon as he got into his car, he
opened his little book to the page where both names had been written and
put a tick after the name ‘Solomon Goldman’.
He then said, with a huge sigh of relief,
"Half done!
(#322) The crime
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters
riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke,
payoth, tsittsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows
them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went
onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find
nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long
time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking
the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman,
"Three people on a motorcycle!"
(#323) I’m tired and thirsty
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost
in the desert, wandering for days.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
I must have diabetes."
(#324) Drink up!
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar
but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to
empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle
and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles
and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth
sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest
down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork
from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink
and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks
with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I
drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incahol,
but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer
I get!!!
(#325) My darling wife
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good
his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so
kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love
her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said,
"I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her
so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
(#326) The proposal
Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and
widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided
to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo
couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait,
no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember,
but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh", Hetty said, "I'm so glad you called.
I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
(#327) The collector
Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy
person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the
door, Issy greets him.
"Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting
for the Loads of Money Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish
person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
"The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and
I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?" asks Issy.
"I'm positive".
"But", says Issy, "it says here that you're
Jewish and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly
not Jewish", replies Mr Gold impatiently.
"Look sir, I know that my records are
never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands
Issy.
"For the last time, I am not Jewish, my
father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn't Jewish
either!"
(#328) The daughter
Rifka and Beckie are talking about their
children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.
Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter
just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear
that."
Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her
first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she
is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and
a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!
(#329) The request
Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're
doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies.
"I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could
count on you!"
(#330) Mother’s love
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his
friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend
asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman?
Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
"No I just can’t," Benny replies. "I meet
many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my
mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't
you find a girl who's just like your mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his
friend get together.
"So, have you found the perfect girl yet?
One that's just like your mother?"
Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found
one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become
good friends."
"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you
and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand
her!"
(#331) A quicky
Doctor to patient: I have good news and
bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
(#332) How did you do it?
Young David asked his rich grandfather,
Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, "Well, David, it was 1955,
and I was down to my last five pence. I went to the local market and invested
that five pence in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten pence."
"The next morning, I invested the ten pence
in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them
at 5pm for twenty pence. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandma’s
father died and left us two million pounds."
(#333) What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals,
makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
(with her, of course !)
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated
in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly
when she asks.
4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically,
not horizontally!)
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange
the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents’
house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's
talking
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many
times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off
couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh
undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call
up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up
by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her :-)
go to thirteenth set
Comments
(#334) That’s the way to do it
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other
side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please
God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big
arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about
two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to
God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across
the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a
couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked
out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give
me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
(#335) Meyer’s first pet
MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home
along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen
to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting
out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside,
standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the
sleeve. "Come in here and check out this parrot..."
Meyer was soon standing in front of an
African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said: "Vus?
Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the owner.
"He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had written
out a cheque for £500 and carried the parrot, still in his cage,
out of the shop and into his car. All night he talked with the parrot in
Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's kosher butcher shop
in Neasden; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride;
about his family in Israel; about his years of working in the City; and
about Birchington, Kent. The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some nuts and raisons. The parrot told Meyer of what
life was like living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends.
They then both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his
tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to
know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to
do likewise. So Meyer went out and bought a hand-made miniature set
of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and
learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer
spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.
In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose
and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with
him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle
and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor.
At first they refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that
the parrot could daven. Some bets were made with Meyer. Thousands
of pounds were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish
or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during the service.
The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -
Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed,
slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come
on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After the Rosh Hashanah service was over,
Meyer worked out that he owed over four thousand pounds. He marched
home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several streets away from the
Shul, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could
be.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand pounds. Why?
After I bought you your own tfillin and taught you the morning prayers
and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to
bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied.
"The odds will be much better on Yom Kippur."
(#336) Meyer’s second pet
Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely
once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another
pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After
some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a
little white box to use for his house.
Meyer took the box home. He found a good
place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the
local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the
box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his
pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with
me?"
But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there!
Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I
heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
(#337) The Rabbi and his friends - 1
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues,
"I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of
the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back
across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I
need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across
the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and
gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is
as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something
to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water,
and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister
help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but
he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps
out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again
he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns
to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks
are?"
(#338) The Rabbi and his friends - 2
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were
talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a
snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was
completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk.
He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles
in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He
had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot
high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while
the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the
sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One
Shabos morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad
of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the
rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere,
for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around
him, it was Thursday.
(#339) The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money
up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever
lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws
the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and
whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method
of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever
God wants, he keeps...
(#340) The Rabbi and his friend - 4
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy
a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister
driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash
because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with
the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting
the end off the tailpipe.
(#341) Quickies
A classic example of chutzpa is someone
who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the
court because he is an orphan.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive
and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Q: Why do Jewish women enjoy Chinese food
so much?
A: WonTon spelled backwards is “Not Now”.
(#342) Moshe’s mother - 1
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two
sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made
sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the
expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like
the other one?"
(#343) Moshe’s mother - 2
Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How
are you?"
"Not too good," Hette says. "I'm feeling
very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, "Because I haven't eaten in
23 days."
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother.
Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
Hette answers, "because I didn't want
my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
(#344) Serves you right!
Naomi, being still unmarried, was bored
one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time
ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table
the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age.
So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she
fainted.
(#345) Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board
of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for
over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly,
the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First
of all, a chandelier, ... why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell
it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly,
what we really need in the shul is more light!"
(#346) Vive la differance
Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour.
"Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock
every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn
and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made
my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then,
when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make
dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
The neighbour sighs and asks, "Nu...and
how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute
gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in
the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he
even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of
dinner!"
(#347) The conversation
[We Jews are not only not allowed to conduct
business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue
one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but £13,000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I'll give you £12,000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat
afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I already sold it.
(#348) Advancement
Morris Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children.
Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger
brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when
he married and opened a bank account,
he signed his cheques just "XX".
Morris then started his own business,
which soon prospered. He became a very rich man. One day, he got a call
from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We
weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing
your cheques, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Morris replied, "Since I've become rich,
my wife thought I should have a middle name"
(#349) The dinner party
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds
in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living
in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves
with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After
much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to
set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the
Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they
found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places
were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four,
the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing
the Bagels."
(#350) The test
The Recording Angel needed two new Executive
Assistants to help him in the admissions office in Heaven. G-d sent him
3 applicants and the Angel began interviewing them immediately.
“I was senior partner in a law firm on
earth,” said the first applicant “and I’m sure I could be very helpful
to you.”
“I’m sure you could,” said the Angel.
“I’ve looked over your CV and you certainly have more than enough credentials
for the job. But I do have a little test I ask all applicants to take.
Would you spell G-d, please?”
“A piece of cake,” said the applicant.
“G - O - D.” “Fine,” said the Angel, extending his hand, “I’ll be in touch.”
The fellow left and the second applicant came in.
“I was Chief Executive of a very successful
business on earth,” he said. “There were 16,000 people on my payroll. I
think I’d make an excellent assistant.”
“Your record is certainly impressive,”
said the Angel. “And I think I’m going to hire you, but first there’s a
little test. Spell G-d.”
“G - O - D” said the second applicant.
“Great!” said the Angel, shaking his hand. “You’ll be hearing from me.”
The man left and the third applicant,
a
woman, approached the Angel’s desk. “Tell me about yourself,” said the
Angel.
“On earth,” she said, “I was secretary
to one of the most powerful men in Europe. You know, because you know everything,
that I did most of the work for which he got credit. I’m certain I could
do whatever is required.”
“Of course,” said the Angel, “but there’s
one little test….”
“Oh, please, not a test” said the woman.
“I’ve had it rough all my life. Because I’m a woman I had to fight for
every promotion I ever got. I had to take lower pay for doing the same
job as the men in the office. I was constantly harassed by male chauvinist
bosses. I thought it would be different up here. Now I get the feeling
that because the job title is Executive Assistant and not Secretary, you
don’t want to gi