Top Ten Jewish Books Not Yet Published
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List
10.
Talmud - Tractate Chulent
9.
Tire Changing the Jewish Way
8.
100 Synagogue Shmooze Topics
7.
The Tenth Man - Finding the Best Minyanaires
6.
The Art of Kvetching
5.
The Rolling Stone Chumash
4.
The Y'dei Esav Siddur (Take off on "Kol Ya'akov" Siddur)
3.
The Cone Head's Yarmulke Book
2.
Elijah's Problem Stumpers
1.
Kabbalah for Dummies
Comments
Top Ten Reasons To Become an Orthodox Jew
from the
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List
10. You will become an instant topic of conversation
and amusement amongst all former friends
9. You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade
pork rinds
8. Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will
strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology,
philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while
their accomplice steals your wallet)
7. You will never have to decide between chicken and beef
on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no
difference between them anyway)
6. You will become a close friend and confidant of all
the staff at Food City Kosher Department
5. You will have the privilege of donating half your
income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)
4. You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes
3. You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole,
Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes
upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza),
pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye
(with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)
2. Men - your bald spot will always be covered
Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even
have to be on your head
1. For one entire day every week you cannot be reached
by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail
Comments
Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers
Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's
been! (Judges 14:5-8)
David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go
practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for
supper!
Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you
smell like a dirty ol' furnace!
Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!
Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!
Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)
James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?
Comments
Translations
The Israeli Ambassador to Sweden was talking to the head of the
government at a party. The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so
violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not
Kill".
The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou
Shall Not Murder'."
The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill".
Ambassador: "No, it definately says murder."
Swede: "Maybe you have a poor translation."
Comments
The Ten Suggestions
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the
desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but
just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he
delivered them.
The Ten Suggestions
1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods
besides me.
2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.
3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the
express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is
the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy
G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d.
4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.
5. Honor thy single parent.
6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.
7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.
8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Wapner.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.
Comments
Top Ten Ways The White House Will Change With Lieberman as V.P.
Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".
Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."
Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.
Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!
Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift
Gore
in
Chair and Dance Around.
U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to
actually start working Monday - Friday.
Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.
In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie Delhi.
Comments
Minyan Plus
I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for
a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned
that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.
When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."
The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the
room and go to the bathroom!"
Comments
Top 12 New Commandments
Anyone who says Thou Shalt Not one more time gets whacked
Thou shalt continue to read the second part of the Passover
Haggadah after the Seder meal
Ladies' wigs count as hair
Thou shalt have no other gods before breakfast
For the last time, circumcision stays
Thou shalt not colorize Hollywood movies
Endives are acceptable Lulav substitutes
Due to illness, the role of the prophet Elijah in Kings II 15-21
will be played by Ed Asner
To prevent further embarrassment, the name Oral Tradition will be
replaced by Spoken Tradition
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mac
Thou shalt not begin thy jokes with "A priest, a minister and a
rabbi," so that your days will be lengthened on G-d's
earth
It's Hanukkah - not Chanooca, not Chanucca - Hanukkah, always and
everywhere, got it?
Comments
The Top 13 Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal
Arafat must return all $7.6 million of misrouted royalties
intended for Ringo Starr.
In exchange for West Bank, Palestinians must take Fran Drescher
Death threats on authors of those infuriating "Magic Eye" books lifted.
Jewish Homeland relocated to South Florida.
Straight-up trade, Jackie Mason for Casey Kasem.
Israel must make cable space available for new variety show, "Shiite
Tonight!"
Everyone in Israel to get a personally autographed "Chia
Yasser."
No more jokes about the five o'clock shadow on Arafat's mom.
In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at
the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down.
Less rocks, more talk!!
Circumcised Palestinians free to roam Jerusalem.
Center Square: Whoopi's out, Yasser's in.
and Top5's Number 1 Term of the New Mideast Peace Deal...
Main objective in Palestinian charter changed from
"destruction of Israel" to "World Cup champs by 2014."
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Comments
The Top 13 Jewish Country & Western Songs
13> Achy Breaky Hip
12> I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
Notch in My Belt)
11> Take This, "Job," and Shove It
10> I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
9> Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
8> All My Exes Made an Exodus
7> The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
6> This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!
5> Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
4> My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
3> I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
2> Homeland on the Range
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...
1> Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com> ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]
Comments
What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?
Fillet minyan.
Comments
First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean
Hello, nice to see you all again.
As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
Are there any questions?
No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.
Right, let's split you up then.
Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
Off we go...
Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.
Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.
The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.
Sodomites, over there against the wall.
Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
charlies.
Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.
Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.
Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
thing.
Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.
Comments
20th Century Extremely Reform Judaism
by David Bader
From How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
20th Century Milestones in American Extremely Reform Judaism:
1907 First Extremely Reform Jew in Hollywood changes
name for show-biz reasons
1915 First E.R.J. in New York joins the Mafia
1974 First E.R.J. in a trailer park tells The National
Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens
Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?"
Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might
not be tax deductible.
Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations:
The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America
(No camping required)
The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League
(Deals with very mild ethnic slurs)
The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:
This Extremely
Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides
that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and
opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness
for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to
eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital,
you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.
Comments
Top 10 Jewish Songs (but for you, we'll make it 37!)
37] Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond
36] Happiness Is a Warm Bagel
35] Rocky Racoon's Bris
34] Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band
33] With a Little Help from My Cantor
32] Ask Me Why [This Night Is Different from Other Nights]
31] Magical Minyan Tour
30] Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale]
29] Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter
28] I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge
27] I Want to Hold Your Brisket
26] The Long and Winding Services
25] I'm a Loser at Mah-jong
24] Run for Your Life Already
23] She's Leaving Home Sholom
22] Lady the Yenta
21] Luzzamoff {Let it Be}
20] Baby You're a Rich Man [Come and Meet My Daughter]
19] Maybe I'm Aggravated
18] Short Fat Solly
17] When I'm Four Times Chai
16] You Never Give Me Your Discounts
15] Jealous Goy
14] Instant Torah
13] Back in the Shtetl
12] Baby Won't You Light My Menorah
11] You Never Give Me Your Money
10] The Ballad of John, Yoko and Schlomo
9] Give Pesach a Chance
8] Maxwell's Silver Mezuzzah
7] Shekel Lane
6] Do You Want to Know a Secret [I Eat Ham]
5] All You Need Is Gelt
4] Fixing a Hole [No Way, Call Somebody]
3] Why Don't We Do it in the Shul
2] Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and the Rabbi
1] Hey Jules
Comments
Three Generals
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics,
an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach
espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors,
and General Dynamics.
Comments
Three Chairs For the Reform
The Orthodox Rav met three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers began they show up. All the sets are filled.
Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav?"
The Rav repeated his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the minister.
Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give Three cheers for my Reform Friends in the back!'"
Comments
One Day in the Desert
Three men were walking through the desert.
The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty,
I must have wine!"
The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty,
I must have wine!"
The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have ... Diabetes!"
Comments
Exodus of the 3 Stooges
Chapter 1
Israel Multiplies.
Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews
1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.
2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and
became exceedingly mighty.
3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
Nile.
4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, "This
is one of the Hebrews' children."
5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.
6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren
and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting
wih each other, and he said to them "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the
both of yah!"
7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't
scare me!" And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"
8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
several yards by it.
9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
laughed mightily. And Moses smote
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.
11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend
12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.
13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
and Econquered.
14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and
Midian-well.
Chapter 2
The Boining Bush
1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold
their services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.
2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for
him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.
3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"
And he chased them into the field.
4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire
from the midst of a bush.
5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"
6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame- brain!" and smote him on the
head.
7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord
saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, "Hey,
Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!"
8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"
9 And the Lord said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from
your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground."
10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!"
11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.
12 And the Lord said, "I have seen the oppression of my people by the
Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I
will send ... you!"
13 And they were unsure as to who "you" was.
14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
who saw he had no one to to look at - trembled and clicked his teeth
loudly.
15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do You mean?"
16 And the Lord said, "You!"
17 And Moses said, "I?"
18 And Larry said, "Aye!"
19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!" and the three Hebrews began saluting
each other vigorously.
20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!" and they did, and He continued,
"Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them,
`The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt
and into the land of Canaan - a land overflowing with sweets!'"
21 And Curly said, "Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And Moses
smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on
the head.
Chapter 3
Hebrews given powers.
1 And Larry said, "What if they don't listen to us, or vicey-versey?"
2 And the Lord said, "They will. Now, hold out your left hand,"
3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one is my left hand?" And Curly
said, "That one." And Larry said, "So how do I know which one is my
right hand?" and Curly said, "Why, that's easy! The one that's left!
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"
4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.
5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand?"
6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why, nothin'."
7 And the Lord said, "Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!"
8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked and said, "Why a staff!" And the
Lord said, "Throw it on the ground." And Larry threw it on the ground
and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.
9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn't!"
10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head
with the staff.
11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
dropped it and it slithered up Curly's robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo
woo woo woo woo!" And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly
in a circle.
12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to
the ground.
13 And the Lord said, "This wonder shall help you convince the sons of
Israel of the word of the Lord."
14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We
ain't never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it's
ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!"
15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, "Who made man's mouth? Who
makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said,
"Who makes him dumb?
16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"
17 And they saw His anger and they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!" And they
bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.
18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and perform this wonder before the
sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, 'Let my people go, so
they may soive - I mean serve - Me!"
19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of
Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up
Curly's robe, and he danced wildly.
20 And the people believed.
Chapter 4
"Let my people go!"
1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his
court.
2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, "First, shouldn't we
pay homage?" And Curly said, "I don't know. Homage should we pay?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"
3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion
with his hand.
4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, "We got this here
message from the Lord," and they put their fists to their mouths and
made a trumpet sound. And then they sang
"Roses is red,
Violets is yellow;
Now let My people go!
Like a Pharaoh and a
decent phellow."
5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and
snapped their fingers.
6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, "Who is the Lord that I should
obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!"
7 And Moses said, "Wise guy, eh?"
8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he
slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his
fingers, and he approached her, saying, "Rough! Rough! Rough!"
9 And then he said, "How you doin', Toots? Tell me, are you married
or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And then he offered to make her a drink,
and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.
10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, "It seems
the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on,
they will no longer have any straw to make bricks - let them gather it
themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!"
11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid
sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped
his eyes, and said, "Guards! Seize them!"
12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the
fields.
13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered
stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they
smote them on their heads.
Comments
Five Great Yiddish Insults
May you grow like an onion,with your head in the ground.
May your bones be broken as often as the ten commandments.
May you have a son named after you soon.
May the souls of all of king solomon's mother's in law inhabit you.
May G-d mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the
curses you wished on him.
Comments
Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline
Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:
Hebrew == English
Mee == who
Hu == he
Hee == she
Ma == what
Dag == fish
ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.
A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
mean the same thing.
C: Sure, I understand.
A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.
A: Precisely.
C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?
A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.
A: Fine. Let's start with mee.
C: You.
A: No , mee.
C: Fine, we'll start with you.
A: No, we'll start with mee.
C: Okay, have it your way.
A: Now, mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, no, no. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: You don't understand.
C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?
A: Yes I did. Mee is who.
C: You is Abbott.
A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
mee.
C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.
A: No, no. Tell me about mee!
C: Who?
A: Precisely.
C: Precisely what?
A: Precisely who.
C: It's precisely whom!
A: No, mee is who.
C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.
A: All right. Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Yes.
C: I don't know. Who is he?
A: Sure you do. You just said it.
C: I just said what?
A: Hu is he.
C: Who is he?
A: Precisely.
C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?
A: No, precisely hee.
C: Precisely he? Who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: And what about me?
A: Hu.
C : me, me, me!
A : Hu, hu, hu!
C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?
A : No, hu is he!
C: I don't know I maybe he is me!
A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)
C: Do his parents know about this?
A: About what?
C: About her!
A: What about her?
C: That she is he!
A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
C: Then who is he?
A: Precisely!
C: Who?
A: He!
C: Me?
A: Hu!
C: He?
A: She!
C: Who is she?
A: No, hu is he.
C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?
A: No, that's not right.
C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
when I said it, and I know me.
A: Hu.
C: Who?
A: Precisely!
C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!
A: No, hee is she!
C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.
A: Go ahead.
C: Now first You want to know me is who.
A: Correct.
C: And then you say who is he.
A: Absolutely.
C : And then you tell me he is she.
A & C: Precisely!
C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?
A: Who?
C: She!
A: That is he!
C: Who is he?
A & C: Precisely!
C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!
A: What.
C I said Ma.
A: What.
Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!
A: What!
C: Not what, who!
A: He!
C: Not he! Ma is not he!
A: Of course not! Hu is he!
C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.
A: Fish.
C Fish?
A: Dag is fish.
C: That's all, I'm outa here.
Comments
Abraham's Computer
One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.
Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."
Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."
Comments
Are You Okay, Abe
Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet
conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their
business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"
Comments
Religious Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you
completely. This must be a sign from G-d."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The
priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think
I'll wait for the police."
Comments
From Dust to Dust
by Nicholas Biel
On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you
see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me,
me expecting nothing neither.
On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image
too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.
Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd
been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days,
what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes
and makes me into Man.
He could see right away from the expression on my face I
didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in
this garden only I don't butter.
He brings me all the animals I should give them names What
do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything
you want," so I make names up: lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe.
Crazy, but that's what he wants.
I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go
to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting
by a pool of water admiring herself.
"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased
to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.
Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now
rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day
I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.
Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in
the water.
Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there
were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite,
the snake took a bite and quick like a flash, out of the
garden.
Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he
doesn't want anbody eating his apples, that's his business.
What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.
I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me
nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy
little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from
Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for
Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong,
who's to blame?...Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my
kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient,"
Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his
idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."
But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In
six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run
smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a
thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you
wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."
But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.
Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's
careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite
no apple.
All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the
same, he should have known better, or at least he could have
blown on other dust.
Comments
Marrying into a Jewish Family
Disadvantage - Your Christmas tree decorations will gather dust in
their boxes.
Advantage - You won't have to vacuum up dry pine needles and clog
the vacuum cleaner.
Disadvantage - You'll need to keep a straight face when someone
orders a Virgin Margarita.
Advantage - Your spouse won't die of cirrhosis.
Disadvantage - You'll have to sell your archery set.
Advantage - You won't shoot an arrow into your neighbor's cat (or
is that a disadvantage?).
Disadvantage - You'll never have a family member who can fix your
car.
Advantage - You won't have to look at tatoos.
Disadvantage - No one in the family will have 5 beers with you when
the Yankees win the pennant.
Advantage - There will always be plenty of sweaters in the house.
Disadvantage - Used clothing stores will not be the first choice when
seeking birthday presents for your nephews or nieces.
Advantage - No one will give your son or daughter an ant farm.
Disadvantage - Heavy cream will be a thing of the past.
Advantage - You won't have to specify "diet" when you ask for a
soda in a family member's house.
Disadvantage - You won't have to color Easter eggs.
Advantage - After awhile, you will learn how to pronounce "Challah"
without anyone laughing at you.
Comments
Congregation Agudath Israel of Monsey
To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
behavior and fines for violations:
BEHAVIOR ------------------------------------ FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha -------------------------- $36
Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------- 54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur --------------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72
Comments
Air Raid Priorities
The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs
toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not
followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.
"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"
"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're
dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"
Comments
Alligators
Q. Why aren't you allowed to handle alligators on Shabbat?
A. Because they're muktseh me-hamat gader
Comments
American Tourist
There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.
When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.
The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
Protestant?"
The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to
the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will
surely keep him safe.
The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab
in Ireland."
Comments
It's All Relative
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus
and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.
The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses
at him.
He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"
She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."
The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
Comments
Ambitious Quote
"My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
- Herbert Zipper
(from Two
Jews, Three Opinions : A Collection of Twentieth-Century American
Jewish Quotations, page 197)
Comments
Another Flood
A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
in three days the waters will wipe out the world.
The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
in heaven.
The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
late to accept Jesus," he says.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
"We have three days to learn how to live under water."
Comments
Another Look At The Ten Commandments
I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:
I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
and, hence, right out.
You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.
You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.
Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.
You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.
You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
bugs offa Me!
Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).
Go ahead and covet.
Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.
Comments
Anyone Up There?
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and
again he cried out but to no avail.
Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the L-rd"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"
Comments
Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
by Ben K and Daniel Lewkovitz
Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
localizable religion module for their system software. Previous versions
of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support localizable
geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple spokesman, but
no operating system has yet been able to add customisable support for
religion and culture. The module is to modify the system software to
interact with the user's ethnicity as closely as possible, so as to
maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise potential embarrassing
conflicts and to increase its overall intuitiveness and functionality. The
first Religion/Organisation Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to
be released will support the liberal Jewish religion. Others are
expected to follow in the near future.
While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
some weeks from today, several developers have given inside information on
the beta versions of the software, developed under the codename "Tsures".
Some of the more obvious and useful features are said to include:
* The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement
times of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for
prayer;
* The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as
well as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the
figure is for buying or selling;
* The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time,
which is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system
time;
* Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
"Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of
words has been added to the speech recognition software. A new
output voice termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems
with the physical damage it caused some sound output hardware
could not be overcome in time and it will be released in a later
update to the system.
Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with
the Jewish faith include:
* The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;
* The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";
* The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a
yarmulke and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So?
Why has it taken so long to see me again?";
* Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";
* Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes,
the Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will
just sit here frozen...";
* Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";
* The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
error-correction;
* Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI
and PCI buses.
Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to take
advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec and other
anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk scan utilities
to include the ability to scan your system and peripherals in El-Al mode,
which picks up guns, bombs and knives, while un-erase utilities now
display useful information such as "See? I TOLD you a million times...
if you don't back up..."
However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so that
it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will never be
able to find anything again. He also reported unusual messages in
"Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed stuck on the same
thing every day. Another noted that his network probes showed that
AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with short messages being
exchanged between a few selected nearby machines for long periods of time.
Also, machines, and especially older machines, often appeared to send
messages repeatedly just to themselves.
Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by the
hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it near
me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time assuring me
that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to kiss." This
does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as some users
reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill" program developed in
parallel for US users.
Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called "Moses".
Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access any address
inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying images on the
screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim to have caught it
in the act of gathering information about the user's occupation and
forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers to a
shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".
Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from them,
started making strange incantations and caused their memory chips to burst
into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages about giving burnt
RAM offerings to the Lord.
While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism is
reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates.
Comments
Look After the Jews
An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him.
When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave.
When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews".
The son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more
important to say to me at this moment?"
The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for,
it will be our turn."
Comments
Army Boy
Meek and mild-mannered Sammy Ginsberg reported for basic training and the
sergeant immediately complained to his captain. "This guy will never be
a soldier. Just look at him!"
The captain responded, "Is it because he's Jewish? Let's get rid of
those stereotypes. Most of the Jewish guys who come through here do just
fine, and look at the Israeli army. They're the best!"
"OK, OK, sir ", said the sergeant, backing off. " We'll give him a fair
chance."
Sammy did quite well, following instructions, not making trouble, and
learning all the military skills the training required. In fact, being
good at science and math, he earned the highest score on the rifle range
by carefully making all the delicate sighting adjustments called for to
compensate for distance, wind, elevation, and so forth. Even the farm
boys, who had been firing guns most of their lives, were impressed by his
skill. Sammy did will on long hikes, too, having developed strong legs
from having to walk long distances to and from shul on each Sabbath and
on the holidays.
"Didn't I tell you?", said the captain, and the sergeant nodded his
agreement.
A small war broke out, and the unit was hurriedly transferred out to the
field to replace another unit. The sergeant led his platoon into battle,
shouting encouragement to all the scared young soldiers. They marched up
a hill, and ther on the other side was the enemy. A fierce struggle
broke out, bullets flying, shells exploding , smoke and pandemonium
everywhere. Then the sergeant noticed that Sammy was not firing his
rifle. "Shoot, Sammy," he yelled. "What's your problem? Start shooting!"
Sammy looked up unhappily. "but Sarge," he said, "there are PEOPLE out
there!"
Comments
As I Was Saying ...
by Leon Schwarzbaum
As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
put into work camps.
As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.
As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.
As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.
As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
asked,"Jeb who?"
As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.
As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.
As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.
Comments
Ask the Rabbi
Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered
as if you are wearing the plane.
Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been
stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?
Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an
old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.
Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.
Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your
health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.
Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money
on Chol HaMoed.
Comments
The Atheist and the Monster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my G-d! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on G-d, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Comments
Noah Sermon
Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested
but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided
to come back to the faith of his fathers.
One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd
been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He
heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the
question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all
life in the world.
The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was
sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out
of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the
flood victims."
Comments
Kosher Bagel Seeds
The following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing
Cheerios.
WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.
WHEN TO PLANT
Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed
and pumpernickel grow well in summer.
CARE OF PLANTS
Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the
middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for
irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least
four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not
develop properly! Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!
NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to
become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .
While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by
sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a
professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers
will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even
if it does hasten the growth. However those who like egg bagels have
had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.
TO EAT
Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and
cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already
topped). Use when ripe. . While day-old bagels may be toasted and
eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for
missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!
GUARANTEE
If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A
BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.
Comments
The Ballad of Doivd Chochett
To the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"
by Mickey Katz
NOTE FROM LORI: This was sent to me from a visitor to this page,
who couldn't remember it in its entirety. His notes are
in italics. If you know the rest of the song, please email
it to me at
sunybgrad@yahoo.com
Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat
Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
Flecked him a chicken when he was only three
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
??? redskins all over the shteitle,
He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street
He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
(he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
(he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
He's back on Delancy Street.
Comments
Bar Mitzvah Definition
A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization
that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play
for one.
Comments
Bar Mitzvah Extravagance
The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with
beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot
and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing
forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.
Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the
situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil
rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so
worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must
or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.
As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess
greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized
sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked,
"And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"
This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping
with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal
it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"
"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
works only in halvah!"
Comments
The Bar Mitzvah Gift
There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack
of preparation.
When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.
But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your
life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn,
and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I
present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST
I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"
Comments
The High-Tech Bar Mitzvah Gift
from Bubbe's Porch
20 June 1999
I just got back from Zachary Paul-Brock's bar mitzvah. I've known
him since he was 2 days old. Did I kvell! Such wisdom comes out of
his mouth. And poise. Oy, was he poised.
So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.
I'm thinking I want to get him something that will last a little
longer, maybe have a little more personal meaning.
Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.
A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with
that? That's not a good gift. Get him a fountain pen, or an id
bracelet."
So what do you think happens? I tell him, "I got you the ram you
asked for, only it's not made out of silicon chips." Wise yes.
But still a little gullible. So, he's looking at this big box I
hand him, shaking it, no noise, "what kind of ram could this be?"
he asks as his voice cracks on the "be."
But before I can continue my joke, he shreds the wrapping paper,
rips open the box, and puts the shofar to his lips. First time,
he just blows spit all over the place. Next, he takes a big
breath, and lets out a deep, long, resonant shofar blast that
probably woke the neighbors or the dead or somebody.
He puts the shofar up to his nose and takes a big whiff and then
gags. "Now, I get it. The shofar is made from a ram's horn. That
is sooooo cool. I'm gonna hand this to my dad and ask him to
install my new ram in my computer"
You can trust Bubbe. She knows from gifts.
Comments
Bar Mizvah Reception
Herman Greenbaum had suddenly come into a large sum of money when
his small manufacturing company was acquired by a multi-national
conglomerate. This was fortunate, as Herman's son, Izzy, had just
turned 13 and it was time to plan the Bar Mitzvah.
In keeping with his new station in life, Herman calls up the
fanciest catering company on Long Island and asks for their "free
party planning consultation."
The caterer arrives at Herman's palatial new house and beings to
describe a number of possible options. With each suggestion, Herman
shrugs and asks, "But can't you come up with something more
unusual for my little Isadore?"
"Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your
son really likes?"
Herman thinks for a minute and then responds, "Well, he likes animals.
We got him a cocky spaniel and he really love to play with the dog."
"Aha," say the caterer. "I think I have just the thing!" And, with
the authority of a craftsman who truly knows his trade, the caterer
describes his proposal:
"On the eve of the Bar Mitzvah, we will rent an entire floor
at the Plaza in New York to accommodate all of the guests. We
will take them to the synagog by limosine and then return to
the Plaza for an elegant seven course formal dinner.
"Following the dinner, when they return to their rooms, they
will each find a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne and fresh
cut flowers in a sourvenir Steuben crystal vase etched with
a likeness of your son and the date of the Bar Mitzvah.
"The next morning, the limosines will line up in front of the
Plaza and, with an official police escort, will take everyone to
JFK airport where we will have chartered two Concordes to fly the
Bar Mitzvah boy and the entire Bar Mitzvah party to Israel.
"There in the old city of Jerusalem, your rabbi will lead the boy
through his Torah and Haftora portions.
"Following the ceremony, the guests will be chauffeured back to
the airport where they will board the waiting Corncordes for a
champagne reception as the planes break the sound barrier in
close formation.
"The planes will then land in Nairobi where the guests will be
met by an entourage of elephants who will carry them on a safari
throught the great Serengeti preserve while three acclaimed
photographers from the National Geographic snap pictures of your
son and the guests with the exotic wildlife as a cherished momentos
of the occassion."
Herman is duly impressed and agrees that this will be a truly fine
celebration for little Izzy.
Come the night before the Bar Mitzvah, everyone arrives at the Plaza.
The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests
to the synagog. The dinner is more spectactular than even Herman
imagined. Everyone is delighted with their accommodations. The next
morning, the trip to JFK airport is led by a police escort with small
Israeli flags fluttering from the back of the police motorcycles.
The trip to Israel on the Concordes is perfect. Little Izzy gets to
read his Torah and Haftora portions with barely an error. The guests
enjoy the champagne reception at the speed of sound and are delighted
when they see the elephants lined up at the Nairobi airport.
Off they head into the Serengeti nature preserve while the National
Geographic photographers snap photographs of little Izzy and the
guests.
But soon the entourage comes to a complete stop in the middle of the
grasslands. The procession does not move. Ten minutes go by. Then
twenty. Then an hour. The sun is hot and the guests are becoming
restless. Finally, Herman grows concerned enough to instruct the
handler of his elephant to have the elephant kneel down so that Herman
can get off and find out what's happening.
Herman walks up the line of elephants, reassuring the guests. As he
nears the front of the safari, he meets the caterer who is coming in
the opposite direction.
"What's going on??" asks Herman, his voice quivering with dismay.
"Now, now, Mr. Greenbaum," replies the caterer, reassuringly. "You
will just have to be patient. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of
us."
Comments
A Lunar Bar Mitzvah
A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. The
African safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often (that's from another
joke, by the way), so the father arranged to rent the space shuttle from
NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of
attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.
The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters
asked, "How was the service?"
Grandma answered, "OK".
"How was the boy's speech?"
"OK."
"How was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere!"
Comments
Billy Crystal's Response to the Orthodox Rabbis
Credited to Billy Crystal at last year's Oscars (March 1997)-
Upon learning that a group of Orthodox rabbi's are questioning his
Judiasm, Billy quips "You mean, I now have to buy retail!!??"
Comments
The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album
Can`t Buy me Guilt
Roll Over Maimonides
We Can Kvetch it Out
I Am the Bibi
Eleanor Rigby-Cohen
Lucy In The Shul With Derma
Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On
We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball
You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah
Too
Can't Buy Me Kishka
This Goy
Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band
All You Need Is Lev
The Shul on the Hill
Your Mother Should Only Know
If I Kvell
Comments
Informal US-Israeli-Palestinian Talks
As heard on NPR:
During the recent summit, Clinton wanted to make the the meeting
friendly and informal. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu
that they would be calling others by first names. He started by
introducing himself...My name is Bill, and yours is... BeBe replied the
President of Israel. Then Bill said let me introduce you to Arafat.
Cinton then said "Yassir... thats my BEBE!!" :)
Comments
Ben-Gurion's Tie
David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli
fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim
Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.
"David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all
the foreign guests who are here."
Ben-Gurion replies, "But Winston Churchill gave me his permission."
"What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!"
says Weizmann.
Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill
said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in
London!'"
Comments
What Makes Someone a Jew?
"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion
Comments
The Butler's Mistake
This Jewish couple won $20 million on the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.
They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton
and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable.
They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London,
England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back
to the U.S.
The next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining
room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over
for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.
When the couple returned that evening they found the table set
for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they
specifically instructed him to set the table for four?
The butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were
bringing the Bagels and the Biallys."
Comments
Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu
10. Yahu Netanbibi
9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
4. The Unabibi
3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
1. Snoop Bibi Bib
Comments
Bibi Light Bulb Joke
Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.
Comments
Bible in 40 Words
G-d made
Adam bit
None stayed
Noah built
Abraham split
Isaac fooled
Jacob loved
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Solomon judged
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
G-d remained.
Comments
Baseball in the Bible
Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:
In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
Eve stole first
Adam stole second
Gideon rattled the pitchers
Goliath was put out by David
Comments
Bibical Characters' Songs
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"
Comments
Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version
And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.
And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
arose, and didst say:
Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
not another to help him up.
And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
the mighty fallen. And G-d saw the Egg fall.
And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:
I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?
When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
ariseth, and thus did say:
I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.
And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.
But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.
And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
for they knew not whether 'twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
had been in the beginning.
And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
together again.
When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
stilled.
Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
man has rent asunder, let no god join together.
For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
spirit before a fall.
Comments
Open The Bible And Point
There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his
wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't
know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in
ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor
little dog. PLEASE help me."
The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a
sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do."
So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic
and opened up to a page and pointed to a word.
A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog
walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You
changed my life!"
The Rabbi asked, "What did I do that helped so much?"
So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months
ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?"
"Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?"
So the man replied, "Chapter 11."
Comments
Bible Riddles
Q: What is G-d's favorite sport?
A: Baseball because the Torah begins (in English) In the big Inning.
Q: What sport did Moses play?
A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's
courts.
Q: How do we know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible?
A: "And Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."
Q: How do we know that Moses played football?
A: Moshe kibel et haTorah umasra liY'hoshua...etc. Obviously he was
playing football!
Q: How do we know that righteous people do not need a prayerbook on
the High Holy Days?
A: KI EYN MACHSOR LY'REYAV.
Q: How do we know that mashiach will have a beard?
A: AL TASHEV P'NEY M'SHICHEKHA.
Q: How do we know that Yosef was Moshe's mother?
Q: VA-YIKACH MOSHE ET ATZMOT YOSEF IMO. (Ex. 13:19)
Q: How do we know that Vashti was cloned?
A: GAM VASHTI HA-MALKAH ASTAH "MISHTEY" NASHIM. (Esther 1:9)
Q: Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: "Chap. I".
Q: Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: Bildad the Shuhite
Comments
Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
of this story will come out in time, verily."
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
Comments
Blessings vs. Curses
So here is the carefully crafted, classic Jewish curse, as
compared to the classic Jewish blessing:
Blessing:
"You should live a long life, make a good income,
and have naches from the children."
Curse:
"You should live a long life, have good naches, and
an income from the children."
Comments
Blues for Jews
by Benny Gourionne
(aka Stephen D. Gross)
We got Hebrews
They play da Blues
and den they sit a-
round an' Shmooze
Then they eat Latkes
It's like a hot kiss
that burns the heart
mmm-mm-mmm-mm
When Jascha Heifetz
plays the fiddle
it's jes' like I sits
in the middle
of two young chippies
from Mississippi
who sing the Blues
mmm-mm-mm-mmm
If Itzhaak Perlman
played blues with me
we'd get some girls, man
they'd make coffee
we'd pet their poodle
then eat their strudel
baked with the Blues
mm-mmm-mm-mm
Give me some quarters
fire up them jukes
Talmuddy Waters
plays the Five Books
he even says, Ma
that he plays Kelzmer
behind da Shul
mmm-mm-mm-mmm
We got shmaltz herring
and kishke too
Some fat back matzoh
and goulash stew
but stop your honkin'
about that Flanken
It still can't Moo
mm-mm-mmm-mm
Well Benny Goodman played clarinet
and sweet Al Jolson
he sure could sweat
Then Bo and Fats heard
how Mickey Katz purred
They're listenin' yet
mm-mmm-mm-mmm
We love Yom Kippur
dat's when we fast
then we feel chipper
we eat at last!
carry no money
but milk and honey
they chase the blues
Dem guys with hoods
they run at dawn
a big Menorah
burns on my lawn
they'd like to cook us
come kiss my tuchas
til'you turn blue
mm-mm-mmm-mm
Comments
Congregation Board Decision
The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in
the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.
"The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"
Comments
Suit Up, Boychik
It's Every Jewish Boy's Bad Dream:
Going With Mom to Shop For a Bar Mitzvah Outfit
by Suzanne C. Ryan,
As Appeared in "The Boston Globe", Wednesday, March 4, 1998
NEWTON (MA) - It's a weekday afternoon and 12-year-old Ben Lewis
would rather be anywhere else right now.
Standing in front of a mirror at the men's clothing store
Simon & Sons, Ben is dejectedly modeling for his mother the black
suit he'll wear to his bar mitzvah next month.
"Do you like the plain fabric?" prompts his mother, Sherri Lewis.
"Yea," Ben mumbles.
"Do you want to try on the pinstriped suit?" she asks. "No," he says.
"Do you care if it's poly-wool or regular wool?" she asks. Ben
shrugs nonchalantly.
At a time when baggy jeans and hooded sweat shirts are the norm,
it's not easy talking up a tailored business suit to a gum-popping
12-year-old. Just ask some of the Jewish mothers in the Boston
area who are scrambling to prepare their sons for their bar
mitzvahs, one of the most anticipated of childhood events.
"He didn't want to come," says Sherri Lewis. "I had to bribe him
and coax him. I said, 'The bar mitzvah is a few weeks away. We've
got to go.'"
Without question, the suit-buying event is a major part of the
tradition surrounding a Jewish boy's big day, a coming-of-age
religious ceremony in which 13-year-olds are called to read and
interpret the Torah, Judaism's sacred text, in front of their
congregation.
But for many boys, buying a suit is a new and traumatic experience.
For one thing, it's embarrassing and totally uncool to be seen in
a suit. The universal uniform to wear to a friend's bar mitzvah
is khaki pants and blue blazers. (It's so common that parents
complain their kids often grab the wrong blue blazer after the
event.)
Hard, toe-pinching dress shoes are also a foreign concept to boys
who've sported comfy sneakers and trendy ankle boots since they
were old enough to care about clothes.
They don't know how to tie a tie. And -- after years of shopping
at stores like the Gap -- they've never had a salesperson ask
about sartorial preferences like double-breasted jackets or cuffed
pant legs.
"Christian Dior. What's that?" asks 12-year-old Daniel Jaynes, of
Canton.
For many parents, the bar mitzvah shopping spree is an ordeal as
well. It's so much easier dressing daughters for their bat mitzvahs
(the equivalent event for 13-year-old girls.) While preteen girls
can be sullen too, more of them are fond of shopping and most have
worn a fancy dress to an event before.
Not so for many boys. And not only are their suits expensive (they
typically range from $185 to $300), they need all the accessories,
too: dress shoes ($45 to $75), dress socks ($5), dress shirt ($25 to
$30), tie ($15 to $20), and dress belt ($15 to $20).
And for all that expense, the boys may wear the suit only four or
five times before they outgrow it.
'It's going to be very painful to shell out $300 to $400," says Lea
Berkovits, of Brookline, who has seven children, including
12-year-old son Chanan.
Then there's the actual search for the outfit. You'd think that
would be the easy part. But not that many stores sell boys' suits.
Macy's has a few, but Filene's doesn't, nor TJ Maxx, nor Miltons. If
you know about it, there's Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse in
Braintree, and Lebow Brothers Men's & Boy's Clothing in Wellesley.
Part store, part therapist
But the word in the temples is: Simon & Sons. The retailer began
stocking boys' suits in its Newton store five years ago, after
Jewish mothers in the area basically demanded it. Now the men's
store is like bar mitzvah central, offering one of the largest
selections of boys' suits in the area (350 choices), as well as
six styles of boys' dress shoes; 50 patterns of boys' ties (sized
to fit a boy's neck, and with a sheet of instructions on tying);
five styles of boys' belts; and seven styles of boys' shirts ranging
from size 8 to 20.
"We've got everything for boys, from head to toe," says Paul Simon,
owner of the two-store company.
That kind of selection has created a flood of bar mitzvah shoppers.
Indeed, on one wall the store has 250 snapshots of bar mitzvah boys.
Posing in their newly purchased suits, the kids are lined up in rows
with names like Levy, Stern, Siegel, and Bloom. During the recent
school vacation week, more than 100 mothers and their sons visited
the store.
Says shopper Eva Victor Lessin, of Lexington, "In temple, everyone
talks about this store."
To be sure, merchandise alone isn't the only thing that's made
Simon & Sons remarkable. Its real contribution may be that -- during
one of the most important events of its customers' lives -- the store
willingly serves as part clothier, part family therapist, and part
peacemaker. Somehow, its salespeople have mastered how to resolve
family feuds while overcoming boys' indifference to fashion, or their
ignorance of it.
"We've had maternal and paternal grandparents in here arguing over
who's going to pay," says salesman David Duggan. "Meanwhile, we're
like the dentist to some kids," he says.
A parent, too, can be caught up in the emotions of the upcoming
occasion -- acknowledging his or her boy as a young man. Indeed,
while Liliane Schor, of Wayland, joyfully reminisces about her
18-year-old son's bar mitzvah five years ago, Simon listens patiently
while he quickly outfits her twin sons David and Michael in
gray-pinstripe and olive-green suits.
"What style ties do you guys like?" Simon asks them. 'I don't know,"
they both respond. No problem. Simon suggests geometric patterns.
A similar Q&A ensues over the shirts and belts, and in 45 minutes flat,
the 13-year-old twins are suited up and headed out the door. Liliane
Schor is beaming. "They're going to look so handsome," she says.
When kids balk
Of course, some kids don't want a salesperson, or their parents,
telling them how to dress. When Simon recommends a burgundy belt for
an olive green suit, Daniel Jaynes wrinkles up his nose. "I like
black," he says. When Simon suggests a royal blue shirt to match a
blue blazer (for a bar mitzvah after-party), Daniel rejects the idea,
muttering under his breath, "He's just saying that because he's
wearing a blue shirt."
Then Daniel spots another after-party item, a funky printed black vest,
and there's no stopping him. "I'm buying it. It's spiffy," he says.
"It doesn't go with your blazer," says his mother, Lois Jaynes. But
Daniel's ready for her. "Listen, I'll wear it with a white shirt and
khakis," he says. Lois Jaynes sighs, "He's a clotheshorse."
Some kids are embarrassed to tell a salesperson no. After 45 minutes
of poking and prodding, salesman Robert Carney has a bar mitzvah
outfit all laid out for Ben Lewis: a black suit with a cream shirt,
and black and tan tie. Ben gives a nod and his mom is at the cash
register.
Then Ben confides to his 15-year-old sister, Rebecca, that he really
doesn't like the outfit. "Tell her," Rebecca urges. But Ben waits
until Carney walks away. "I want to wear a regular white shirt, and
black and white tie," he whispers to his mom.
Since Sherri Lewis is wearing an ivory-colored dress, she tries to
talk Ben into the cream shirt. "It would be nice if we matched for
the pictures," she says.
Ben is silent. Seconds pass.
"OK. It's your day," says his mom.
Standing at the cash register, Ben smiles for the first time in an
hour. The shopping ordeal is over.
Comments
Brachot
What bracha do you say when you sit down on a piece of gum?
Lei-shev bazooka
What do you call an artificial sacrifice?
A korbon copy
What can you do on Friday night if you've forgotten to buy
anything for lechem mishna?
Turn to the door and say "Bo-i challa, bo-i challa."
What do you say when the challa comes in?
Shalom Ha-Lechem
Comments
Bris or Get?
Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get [Jewish Divorce]?
A: In a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck!
Comments
The Bris
as told by Alan Dershowitz
in The
Vanishing American Jew
For those who believe that the birth of a son is the most
joyous event, the ceremony honoring it has a good news-bad
news quality, at least for the boy.
A week after the birth, the boy is given a party, with herring,
wine, cake.
Then suddenly comes the bad news, as he realizes the purpose of
the party!
Maybe that's why Jews have traditionally had such an aversion to
alcohol. But it doesn't explain our attraction to cake!
Comments
Brisket Recipe
A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner.
Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of
the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.
The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a
moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always
saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "
So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off
the brisket before roasting. "The Grandmother thinks for a moment and
then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY
mother make a brisket."
Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket,"
they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"
"I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan
that was large enough!"
Comments
Brits vs. Jews
The Difference between an British Gentlemen and A Jew is :
A British Gentlemen leaves and doesn't say good bye.
A Jew says good bye and doesn't leave.
Comments
Mohel in the Bronx
On the Lower East Side of N.Y. was a store front with the name
MOISHE THE MOHEL. He was very popular in the neighborhood and made
lots of money. As his prosperity grew he and his wife decided to
upgrade and move to the Grand Concourse in The Bronx. Up there his
store front sign reads, MAURICE THE YANKEE CLIPPER.
Comments
Brooklyn Travel
An out-of-towner driving east in Crown Heights Brooklyn
pulls up his car next to a local Hassid and asks, "How far
is it to Fifth Avenue in Manhattan?"
The Hassid considers it for a moment, then answers "The way
you're going, about twenty-four thousand miles."
Comments
Bubbe
A Jewish grandmother takes her five year-old granchild
for a walk in the park one day. A neighbor sees them,
comes up and says "What a beautiful little girl!"
"That's nothing," says the grandma. "You should see her picture."
Comments
A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses
Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.
Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.
Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.
Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.
Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.
Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.
Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.
Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.
Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.
Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."
Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.
After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.
Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die.
Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.
Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.
Comments
Bubbe's Medicine
In the middle of a grand theatrical performance one of the leading
actors collapses, groaning, on stage. Responding to anxious requests
for help from the manager a concerned huddle soon develops around
him consisting, among others, of not a few eminent physicians who
happen to be present in the auditorium. As they cluster round
discussing possible diagnoses and treatments and the audience looks
on enthralled, a voice rings out from the balcony:
"Give him chicken soup!"
The figures on stage pay no attention and carry on with their
deliberations. For a second time the voice cries out:
"Give him some chicken soup!"
The discussions on stage continue, perhaps becoming somewhat more
heated, and more urgent. For a third time, louder than before, the
voice comes:
"Give the poor man some chicken soup!"
Exasperated, one of the figures on stage turns and addresses the
source of the voice, a small wizened Jewish grandmother:
"My good woman", he says, "This man is gravely ill. What on earth
could possibly be the benefit to him of plying him with chicken soup?"
All eyes turn to hear her response.
"And what harm?"
Comments
Oy Am I Thirsty
It's the 6 am bus and real quiet. All of a sudden, an old
bubbeh yells out "Oy am I thirsty!" "Oy am I thirsty!"
"Oy am I thirsty!" And she goes on and on and on at the top
of her lungs.
The sleepy passengers beg the bus driver to stop at the next
corner and get the kvetch a drink already!
So he does. "Here lady! Drink up! And shut up!"
She drinks the drink. The bus moves on. The passengers nod off
again or peek into their newspapers, happy the old bubbeh is
quiet. All of a sudden they hear....
"Oy WAS I thirsty!" "Oy, was I thirsty!"
Comments
Plot Resolution
Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one
claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their
arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.
After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case.
Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever
dies first will have the right to this burial place".
From then on, they stopped fighting ...
Comments
Jewish Business Secrets
Hymie Cohen and his friend Mick Murphy have adjacent shops on New York's
East Side. After five years Hymie owns the whole block, while Mick only
has a small shop.
"Hymie, I'm fed up. We both work the same. Tell me, what's the secret of
Jewish business success?"
"Easy," replies Hymie. "Gefilte fish."
"Gefilte fish? Well, could you let me have some?"
Hymie sells Mick a pound for $10. On his way home, Mick notices another
shop selling Gefilte fish for only $4 per pound. He returns to Hymie's.
"Listen, Hymie, it's very kind of you to give me the secret of Jewish
business success, but I saw gefilte fish on sale down the road at less
than half the price."
"See," said Hymie, "it's working already!"
Comments
Camp Necessities
Marvin went to Boy Scout camp. During inspection the scoutmaster
found an umbrella in his bedroll.
"What's this doing here", he yelled. "This isn't listed as a
necessary item".
"Maybe not", Marvin replied, "but you don't have a Jewish mother".
Comments
Cantorial Insurance
as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor
"A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing
voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London
for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly,
from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
Comments
Capitalism
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her
students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose
father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish,
I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around
the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'
Comments
Catholic Conversion
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the
Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take
the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
....."Born a Jew
......Raised a Jew
......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells
every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of
barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to
the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing
over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and
saying:
....."Born a cow
......Raised a cow
......Now a fish."
Comments
Chaya and Schmeryl's Wedding Program
Welcome to Chaya and Schmeryl's wedding. We are delighted that all
of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Chaya's parents' expense.
We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and
deep meaning of the Jewish wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a
means to distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect
your neighbors' flatulence.
Kabalat Panim
The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to
offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her
friends and family. Chaya is seated on a large, throne-like chair,
where she receives greetings from guests. At this point, it is
customary for the men to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of
hungry refugees.
It is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the
bride looks, while musing quietly about what she'll look like after
about ten years of childbirth and strudel.
The Ketubah
Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important
role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the
ketubah, an ancient document that details Schmeryl's monetary
responsibilities and Chaya's claim to all of his assets, including the
shirt off his back, as security for those obligations in the event of
death or divorce. It is customary to decorate this document with
pretty flowers and other colorful designs and hang it from the wall
of the couple's new home.
At this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but
largely symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless.
The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their
children should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to
get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?
The Chosson's Tisch
"Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch,"
the men gather around a table and serenade Schmeryl with Hebrew
drinking songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and
tannaim. It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass
of scotch all over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a
scholar, he delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is
customary for the men to discuss the basketball or football game that
they are missing in order to be at the wedding.
Bedekin
An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein the
bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of
separation, and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make
this process as noisy and confusing as possible, Schmeryl is danced in
by a large crowd of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over
Chaya's face, consummating an important part of the marriage process.
Many authorities insist that Chaya's veil remain down from now until
the wedding ceremony. This is because it is funny to watch her bump
into things.
The Procession
During the ceremony, Chaya and Schmeryl will stand under the chuppah,
or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since
most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets.
Schmeryl is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family:
bubbe and zayde; his brothers, Yonkie and Yitzie; sister Huvie and
friends Chaim Mukapuckapucka, Louis Friedsnickman and Dr. Steven
Putzamulla. Schmeryl will then enter, escorted by his mother and
father, who are carrying lit candles in order to keep away the
mosquitoes.
Chaya's family and friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sisters Mali,
Rachel and Latifa; brother Duvie and friends Shani Grezputkinoff and
Dani Rulbuggabug. Chaya, together with her parents, will enter next,
at which point it is customary to stand up and take flash pictures
8 inches from her face.
When Chaya has reached the chuppah, she will walk around Schmeryl
seven times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it
is the smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square
and an odd number greater than one.
Kiddushin
In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the
head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism
sought to bring reverence and sancity to this relationship between
man and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short
Hebrew formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock
or animal bone and dragging her away.
The essence of the wedding ceremony is "kiddushin," wherein Schmeryl
buys Chaya for a nominal sum. Once Schmeryl has bought Chaya, no one
else is allowed to either buy or borrow Chaya and Schmeryl may not sell
Chaya at any point. Any liens, easements or sale-leaseback
arrangements involving Chaya that pre-date Schmeryl's purchase should
not be discussed publicly, except in low tones among cousins and family
friends during the wedding ceremony.
Nesuin
The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first
half; don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act symbolizes the groom's
removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his
own domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this
obligation:
Veiling the bride - performed during the bedekin
Standing under the chupah together
Yichud - Complete seclusion in a private room. This is
where the bride and groom traditionally break their
fast, and it affords Schmeryl his first real
opportunity to practice ignoring his wife while eating.
Sheva Brachot
The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the
Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing
is customarily given out as an honor to a different individual. It is
considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars
with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since few
families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course of
a lifetime, it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to
pretend to be rabbis.
Breaking the Glass
At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing the
verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand
forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Schmeryl will step on a
glass; the broken glass symbolizes the memory of the destroyed Holy
Temple and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of
a wedding incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience
generally breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the
Messiah has not yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in
Teaneck.
Comments
Wake Up Call
In Chelm, the Shammes used to go around waking everyone up for
minyan in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would
complain that although the snow was beautiful, they could not see
it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the
morning, the Shammes had already trekked through the snow to
wake the men up for minyan. The townspeople decided that they
had to find a way to let the Shammes wake everyone up for minyan
without having him make tracks in the snow.
The people of Chelm hit on a solution. They got four men to
volunteer to carry the Shammes around standing on a table every
time there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the Shammes
could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the
snow.....
Comments
Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
(NOTE FROM LORI: At the time this was written, there were no "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books geared for Jewish readers. In 2001, the group finally wrote Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul.)
Browsing the self-help section of my local bookstore this past week,
I couldn't help noticing an entire wall devoted to the inspirational
juggernaut that is "Chicken Soup For the Soul." To the heartwarming
original, the series' editor, Jack Canfield, has since added "A
Second Helping," "A Third Serving," "A Fourth Course," "A Fifth
Portion" and "A Sixth Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul," not to
mention "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul," the "Couple's Soul,"
the "Teenager's Soul," the "Mother's Soul," the "Woman's Soul," the
"Country Soul," and the "Pet Lover's Soul." In all, the Chicken Soup
franchise now comprises more than 100 different volumes, and the
number grows weekly.
Conspicuously absent from this list is "Chicken Soup for the Jewish
Soul." It's an odd omission given the well-known affinity of the
Jewish people for self-improvement and chicken soup. Throughout
history, Jews have been at the vanguard of self-help, beginning
with the publication of our first and most influential work of
self-help, "The Ten Commandments of Highly Effective Israelites"
(Moses [Ed.], et. al.). Other significant self-help books of Jewish
provenance include the Talmud, the "Ethica Ordine Geometrico
Demonstrata" of Spinoza and the collected works of Ruth Westheimer.
(Many scholars believe that the Talmud would have done more
business had it been published under its original title, "The
Rules.")
So "Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" would seem to be a sure bet,
financially speaking, and one can only assume that Mr. Canfield's
got one bubbling away on the stove, to be followed, no doubt, by
"A Matzo Ball for the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul," "Some Rye
Bread for Washing Down the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" and
"A Gigantic Plastic Container of Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
to Take Home for Later." Until it reaches bookstores, though, I'd
like to suggest a few other current works of Jewish self-help,
which, although perhaps not as well known as the Chicken Soup books,
still merit consideration:
"All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Hebrew School": This frankly
erotic work elaborates the author's premise that the skills he's
valued most highly in life were first imparted to him on Tuesday
and Thursday afternoons in a temple supply closet by a slightly
zaftig Brandeis undergraduate named Faye Berkowitz.
"The Grandma of the Gifted Child": A guide to being so proud you
could just burst. Includes techniques for effective kvelling and
explains what to do when you're trumped by the grandson of another
lady in your retirement community.
"The Oy of Sex": A Jewish companion volume to the well-known sex
manual, this book offers lush illustrations of the probable
expressions on your mother's face if she ever caught you doing any
of the things depicted in those disgusting illustrations from
"The Joy of Sex." (Particularly the ones on pages 94-95!)
"14,000 Things for Jews to be Happy About": In a quixotic attempt
to improve the mood of his constitutionally worry-prone people,
author Arnie Plotkin compiled this list of things for Jews to be
happy about. The book, marketed through temple bookstores, was a
commercial failure, but later achieved success under a new title:
"14,000 Things That Could Go Wrong."
"The Seven Habits of Highly Sephardic People": This provocative
book explores the benefits to general well-being that can be gained
from eating legumes on Passover and speaking Ladino.
"Women Who Run with the Wolfs": Sylvia Wolf and her daughter, Lisa,
discuss their trials and tribulations in convincing the ladies of the
local Hadassah chapter to sign up for a 5K charity run.
"Life's Little Reconstructionist Book": 613 suggestions,
observations, and commandments for Jews who have a different belief
in G-d.
"The Stella Stein Prophecy": In the most recent book by the
self-proclaimed "Nostradamus of Nostrand Ave.," Mrs. Stein uses her
psychic powers to foretell the future of people who don't chew their
food well, sit far enough away from the TV or check for ticks after
playing in tall grass by the same author: "I'm Okay, You Look a Bit
Pale").
Of course, it's also possible that we'll never see a "Chicken Soup
for the Jewish Soul." Why? Because, as a Jewish mother knows, the
only real "Chicken Soup for the Soul" is, in fact, a nice, hot bowl
of chicken soup.
Comments
A Child's Interpretation of the Ten Commandments
My nephew, who has just started the first grade,
was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.
Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not
commit adultery," he was asked what this
commandment meant.
With absolute seriousness he replied, "That
means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."
Comments
The Children of Israel
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It
was now time for the usual question period.
"Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."
"What's that?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red
Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Uh--right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you are correct."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel
fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something
important, right?"
"All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"
"Didn't the grown-ups do anything!"
Comments
A Family Tradition
A man's son was about four years old.
The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School.
His father asked him what he'd learned that day.
The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have
any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"
The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised";
but the answer was still "Yes."
Comments
(#C001) Hide and seek
Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were
brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and
the other brother was called TROUBLE.
One day, the two brothers were playing
hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLE’s turn to hide. While MIND
YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and
hid inside a thick hedge.
Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking
for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars
parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldn’t
find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside
dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with
him.
The policeman said, “And what, may I ask,
are you doing little boy?”
And the boy replied, “Playing a game.”
The policeman then asked, “What’s your
name?”
And the boy replied, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”
The Policeman got angry and said loudly,
“Are you looking for trouble?”
And the boy replied, “Yes.”
(#C002) Bees hair
“Mummy,” says little Issy, “Why do bees
have sticky hair?”
”Because they use honeycombs.”
(#C003) The story teller
One day, Emma the teacher is reading out
loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the
bit where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. “So Chicken Little went
over to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling, the sky is falling.”
Emma then asks her class, "What do you
think the farmer then said?"
Little Moshe raises his hand. "I think
he said, ‘Goodness, a talking chicken."
(#C004) The fur coat
Little Abe was talking to his older brother
Isaac.
“Isaac,” asks Abe, “why do bears have
fur coats?”
Isaac replies, “That’s easy. It’s because
they'd look silly in anoraks.”
(#C005) Pet request
“Daddy,” says little Melissa, “Can you
buy me a budgie?”
“Not now, darling,” he replies, “now is
not the right time.”
“So when is the right time to buy a budgie,
Daddy?” Melissa asks.
“When they're going cheap,” replies Daddy
(#C006) Visit to the zoo
Mummy and daddy have taken little Issy
to London Zoo. They were watching the lions.
“Mummy,” says Issy, “what’s a lion's favourite
food?”
”Why, baked beings of course,” she replies.
(#C007) Lions in the park
Little Yitzhak was talking to his best
friend Harry.
“Harry,” he says, “I was surrounded by
lions in the park this afternoon.”
“What,” says Harry, “lions in the park?”
“Yes,” replies Yitzhak, “dandelions.”
(#C008) Shabbos meal
It was Friday night and little Sam was
having his Shabbos meal with his parents. They were, as usual, going to
eat roast chicken.
When it arrived, Sam’s daddy smiled and
said, “Sam, do you know why this roast chicken is like an armchair?”
“No daddy.”
“Because they're both full of stuffing,
that’s why,” said his daddy.
(#C009) Knock Knock
“Knock knock.”
”Who's there?”
”Abe.”
”Abe who?”
”Abe C D E F G H...”
(#C010) Late again
Emma was telling her mummy a story about
a witch who arrived at a hotel without her broom because the broom was
late.
“Why was the broom late, Emma?” asked
her mummy.
“Because it over swept, mummy.
And, mummy, do you know what the witch asked for when she went to reception?”
“What did she ask for, Emma?”
“Broom service.”
(#C011) Soup
Mummy and daddy had taken little Benjy
to Blooms kosher restaurant.
During their first course, Benjy says,
“This soup tastes funny, daddy.”
His daddy replies, “So why aren’t you
laughing?”
(#C012) The bargain
Little Morris was telling his friend Cyril
all about his Chanukah presents.
“My daddy bought me a mouth organ. It’s
the best present I've ever had.”
“Why?”
“Because my mummy gives me extra money
every week if I don’t play it.”
(#C013) Bottom at the top
Little Max was telling his friend Howard
a riddle.
“What has a bottom at the top?”
Howard said, “I don't know, Max. What
does have a bottom at the top?”
“Why it’s your legs, of course.”
(#C014) Fish meal
Little Sidney was watching his mummy prepare
the fish for dinner.
She asks him, “Do you know what part of
a fish weighs the most, darling?”
”No,” he replies.
“It’s the scales.”
(#C015) Angry teacher
Emma was telling her little sister Melissa
all about school.
Emma says, “My teacher shouted at me today
for something I didn't do.”
So what didn't you do?” asks Melissa.
Emma replies, “My homework.”
(#C016) Visit to the butchers
Little Naomi goes to her kosher butchers
and asks, “Mummy wants to know how much is the duck?”
The butcher replies, “£12.”
“OK,” says Naomi, “Could you please send
us the bill.”
”I'm sorry,” says the butcher, “but you'll
have to take the whole bird.”
(#C017) Clock watching
Little David was staring at the clock
on the mantelpiece.
Then he says, “Daddy, what do people do
in clock factories?”
His daddy replies, “They make faces all
day.”
(#C018) Dead Sea
Benjamin was enjoying his trip to the
Red Sea.
During dinner, Benjamin says, “Daddy,
if you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?”
His daddy replies, “Wet, of course.”
(#C019) Hebrew Lesson
During his Hebrew lesson, little Alan
asks his teacher, Where was King Solomon's temple, teacher?
”On his forehead.” Replies the teacher.
(#C020) The cross eyed teacher
Little Sarah was telling her best friend
Naomi that her teacher's eyes are always crossed.
“Why is that?” asked Naomi.
“Because she can’t control her pupils.”
Comments
(#C021) Head wear
Little Moshe’s dad asks him one day, “Do
you know what the hat said to the scarf?”
“No, daddy, I don’t,” replies Moshe.
”You hang around while I go on ahead,”
says his dad.
(#C022) Black and white
The teacher said to her class, “Does anyone
know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?”
Little Sarah put up her hand and said,
“It’s a blackboard, miss.”
(#C023) The eyes
One Sunday, little Benny’s grandpa asks
him a question, “Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?”
”No, Zeida.”
“It said, “Between you and me, something
smells.””
(#C024) Dustbins
One day at school, little Max was talking
to his best friend David.
“David, have you heard the joke about
the dustbin lorry?”
“No I haven’t,” replied David.
”Don't worry,” said Max, “it's only a
load of rubbish.”
(#C025) Monster?
Little Naomi said to her mum, “Mum, what’s
got four legs and one foot?”
”I don’t know,” said her mum.
“A bed.”
(#C026) Music lover
One day, little Rifka went up to her dad
and said, “Dad, I want to play our piano but I can’t open the lid.”
“Of course you can’t,” said her dad, “the
keys are inside.”
(#C027) Letter T
Teacher asks her class, “Does anybody
know what starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?”
Little Benjy puts up his hand and says,
“A teapot, miss.”
(#C028) On the beach
It was August and little Hannah was on
holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, “Did you know that
they don’t allow elephants on this beach?”
”Why, dad?”
“Because they can't keep their trunks
up.”
(#C029) The race
One day at school, little Morris and little
Henry had a race and Henry won.
Morris then says to Henry, “you won, but
I know what you lost.”
“What did I lose, then?”
“Your breath.”
(#C030) The lion
Little Leah asks her dad, “Do you know
what happened when the lion ate the comedian?”
“No, I don’t, darling.”
“He felt funny.”
(#C031) Walking
One day, little Sam is out walking with
his dad.
Sam says, “Do you know what runs but never
walks, dad?”
”I don’t know, Sam.”
“Water.”
(#C032) Night time question
Just before she went to bed, little Ruth’s
mum asks her a question, “Do you know how to make milk shake, darling?”
“No I don’t, mum.”
“You give it a good fright.”
(#C033) Breakfast
One morning, little Avrahom is eating
his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, “Do you know
what cheese is made backwards?”
“No, mum.”
“Edam.”
(#C034) The fool
One day, little Isaac says to his dad,
“Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?”
“No.”
”Oh, so it's you.”
(#C035) Cat food
One breakfast time, little Rivkah’s mum
asks her, “What do cats eat for breakfast, darling?”
”I don’t know, mum.”
“Mice Crispies”
(#C036) On the river
One Sunday, little David is with his parents
on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, “What do you think sea
monsters eat, David?”
“I don’t know, dad.”
“Fish and ships.”
(#C037) Afters
While she was eating her lockshen pudding,
little Judith’s mum says to her, “Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling?”
“No, mum.”
“A jelly baby.”
(#C038) The teeth
Why did little Arnold wear a belt on his
teeth?
Because he couldn't find his braces.
(#C039) At the zoo
Little Freda was at the Zoo with her dad
when he asks her, “What do you call a deer with no eyes, darling?”
“What, dad?”
“No idea.”
(#C040) Can’t eat
One breakfast time, little Rebecca says
to her mum, “What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum?”
“I don’t know?”
“Lunch and dinner, of course.”
Comments
Children's Sh'ma
A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew
teacher quoting Scripture.
"The L-rd our G-d is One," the teacher declared.
"When will He be two?" the youngster asked.
Comments
Deli Waiter
Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively
by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent
impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were
enjoying the holiday.
The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect
Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the
restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn
such fabulous Yiddish?"
The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said,
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Comments
The Chumra of the Week Club
Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present:
The Chumra of the Week Club.
Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!)
better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe
you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by
any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!
Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic
Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our
present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).
Choose from Chumras in:
Fleishigs
Milchigs
Davening
Clothing
Tefillin and Tzitzit
and many more.
(Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam
lamakom.)
After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each
week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can
immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a
Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your
Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is
inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within
7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice.
Reasons for exchange include:
You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency -
unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness
and stringency).
Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid.
You want to be the first one in your community with this
Chumra.
We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We
have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most
obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra
taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique
and to amaze all your friends.)
To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following
form scrupulously:
Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to
supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).
Address: _______
Phone:________
To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____
Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
a) Regular ____
b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details.
All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest
confidence.
Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers,
we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the
"Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."
Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and
change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly
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Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other
guy will say."
Comments
`Chosen Beer' Sales Grow Among Consumers Desiring Kosher Brew
By Debra Nussbaum Cohen
NEW YORK, Oct. 7 (JTA) -- In the beginning there was an idea and it was
good: Jewish beer, named ``He'Brew -- The Chosen Beer.''
The beginning, for beer developer Jeremy Cowan, was last Chanukah, and it
was so good that he sold every bottle of his 100 cases almost as soon as
they hit the shelves of the liquor stores, kosher delis and restaurants
that carried it in the San Francisco area.
Today Cowan, 28, has contracted with a leading micro-brewery and
professional beer distributors in the San Francisco area, and is selling as
many cases of the unconventional beer -- 500 -- in a week as he did during
the past nine months.
The beer, whose theme is "exile never tasted so good," is available in
stores throughout California and in other places by toll-free mail order
through The Wine Club.
The centerpiece of the beer's brightly colored label is a picture of a
Chasidic-looking rabbi looming over a landscape that puts the Golden Gate
Bridge right next to a Jerusalem skyline.
Although no beer is kosher for Passover -- hops are made from forbidden
grain -- the label's side panel answers the question: Why is this beer
different from all other beers?
As the label explains in a Jewish text-referenced way, the answer is
part-Jackie Mason shtick, part-micro-brewing expertise: "Our first
creation is Genesis Ale.
"Barley is one of seven Biblical species that celebrate the bounty of the
Land of Milk and Honey (Deut. 8.8), and He'Brew draws a symbolic link to
our own Garden of Eden in Northern California. A smidgen of Middle East, a
dash of American West."
Cowan shmaltzes it up on the label, which also says, "Like your bubbe's
chicken soup, there's no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold."
T-shirts, posters, pint glasses and other paraphernalia are available
directly through Cowan at his San Francisco-based company, Shmaltz
Enterprises.
The beer is certified by a local kashrut agency.
The label also says that 10 percent of the beer's profits go to tzedakah,
or charity.
Cowan said he has donated beer to Jewish organizations, which have
auctioned it off at their fund raisers.
His customer base has been diverse. Last Purim a Chabad house ordered a
keg, and "skateboard-MTV-type Jewish kids buy it at grocery stores,"
Cowan said.
Cowan first hit on the idea a decade ago while talking with the only other
Jewish student in the high school they attended in Menlo Park, Calif., a
suburb about 30 miles south of San Francisco.
A year ago, Cowan talked a small group of his most faithful friends into
squeezing the juice out of pomegranates -- an early ingredient in the beer
that he had to drop when it made government labelling and kosher
certification requirements too complicated -- in his living room.
In the works is a full line including another beer, to be introduced next
summer, coffee drinks, teas and sodas, Cowan said.
"I want He'Brew to be like Manischewitz for the next generation," Cowan
said, "a high-quality product, but with a lot of funk and humor."
Comments
Afterlife
A rabbi and a priest on a train, in conversation:
Priest: "Last night I had a dream about your Jewish paradise.
I saw dirt and trash everywhere and the place was
absolutely packed with all your people."
Rabbi: "What a coincidence ! I too dreamed about paradise -
the Christian one, though. It was a wonderful land
filled with flowers, fragrant scents and sunshine - but
nowhere at all could I see even one person!"
Comments
Christian Love
British Novelist Israel Zangwell was Jewish. Upon hearing this,
a gentile told him that Jews were suspicious of gentiles,
clannish, and unfriendly.
The author looked at the speaker, sighed, and replied, "Yes.
Two thousand years of Christian Love has made us very nervous."
Comments
Chutzpa
A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father
and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because
he is an orphan.
Comments
Circumcision Joke
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older
than 8-days old?
A: A girl.
Comments
Cliche Come True
"Is a Rabbi rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?"
Comments
Halachos of Coffee
In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was
revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from
hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret
teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd
Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou
shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you
observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of
thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are exempt.)
The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further research
uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this allegedly
"secret teaching."
Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in
the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama
[time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a
mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude
that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R. Chama
bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at all.
What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos
rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the
morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until later
in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling patterns at
greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha shebehol eyt,
erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your goodness at all
times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not coffee with cream one of
G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain that this mitzvah applies
to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos rishon. (Halacha follows this
opinion.) Once again, women and men are both obligated in this mitzvah.
Are Jews, then, commanded to drink coffee? No, but those who do are
considered praiseworthy. What of those who do not drink coffee? They are
obligated to contemplate the coffee of a friend, and to refrain from
stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he).
May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee has
never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may contemplate it.
The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it was prepared and
served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it even in unkosher
vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do not do this, and
Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.
May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet
Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the
convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics.
Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As usual, we follow Bet
Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not drink the coffee, the
coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal tashchit [do not
destroy].
What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is forbidden
in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve ersatz
cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah [beautifying
a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest ingredients we can afford,
and mocha mix is inferior to authentic cream. Hence we do not serve coffee
after meat. (Black coffee does not fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah
notes that those who are especially pious refrain from eating meat at any
time so that they will always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real
cream. So important is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable
(except for those with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur
mitzvah, the Kos Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition
to fine quality coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not
only must the coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but
when one refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a
silver spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon
was available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's
family.
One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused stirring
implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude (erroneously) that
stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may first stir sugar into
coffee and then refrain from stirring after adding cream, those who are
strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the stirrer. Neither may one stir
the coffee first, and then pour in cream while the coffee is still in
motion relying on turbulence to mix the cream. The Torah is explicit that
the purpose is to observe convection currents (which must be generated by
temperature diffential, and not any other motion or current). In recent
years it has become common to use special coffee cups made of glass, so
that one may observe the currents not only from the top, but from the
sides and bottom as well. Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not
invalidate cups made of fine china.
Comments
Combatting Solitude
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the
middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.
Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise,
is a recipe for matzah balls.
When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told,
"Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts
to get to you, you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're
going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're
going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying,
'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls."
Comments
A Conversation Between Moses and G-d
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yeah. I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know. Remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, sir."
"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"
"Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
you sent me."
"You mean the commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
but of course you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
them to some people before I lost them though. "
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did."
"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
Can he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."
"I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
was scamming him?"
"I think that is spamming, Moses."
"Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
through a computer."
"And what he did say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"
"They're called viruses, Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
lost them."
"We'll do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"
Comments
Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I
raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the
Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to
Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason him!"
The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing
happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in
my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he
converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to
tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying:
"Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue.
Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
Comments
The Creation Algorithm
//CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440
//*
/*SETUP DISK=PRIMAL
//*
//JOBLIB DD DSN=UNIVERSE,DISP=(OLD,KEEP)
//*
//* FOR EXTENDED DOCUMENTATION ON THIS JOB REFER TO MEMBER
//* BOOK.ONE, CHAPTER,ONE OF SYSDOC FILE WORD.OF.GOD
//* TAMPER WITH THIS JOB AT YOUR OWN EXTREME RISK!
//*
//DAYONE EXEC PGM=IEBGENER
//VOID DD DSN=CHAOS
//DAY DD DSN=LIGHT
//NIGHT DD DSN=DARKNESS
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE LIGHT, AND LET DARKNESS BE A SEPARATE DATASET!
/*
//DAYTWO EXEC PGM=SORT
//FIRM DD DSN=HEAVEN,DCB=DSORG=PO
//WATERS1 DD DSN=HEAVEN(ABOVE)
//WATERS2 DD DSN=HEAVEN(BELOW)
//SYSIN DD *
LET THE FIRMANENT, CALLED HEAVEN, PARTITION THE WATERS!
/*
//DAYTHREE EXEC PGM=MERGE
//MERGEIN DD DSN=BELOW
//MERGEOUT DD DSN=DRY.LAND
//EARTH DD DSN=DRY.LANE
//BELOW DD DSN=SEAS
//FLORA DD DSN=GRASSES.HERBES
// DD DSN=FRUIT.TREES
//SYSIN DD *
SET THE EARTH CONCATENATE GRASS AND TREES
/*
//DAYFOUR EXEC PGM=IEBUPDTE
//SUN DD DSN=LIGHT
//MOON DD DSN=LIGHT
//STARS DD DSN=LIGHT
//SYSIN DD *
LET THERE BE PANEL LIGHTS TO INDICATE THE STATUS OF
THE UNIVERSE!
/*
//DAYFIVE DD PGM=IEHMOVE
//WHALES DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//FOWL DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
//SYSIN DD *
BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY UNTIL OVERFLOW
/*
//DAYSIX EXEC PGM=IEBCOPY
//MAN DD DSN=GOD.IMAGE
//MALE DD DSN=MAN(ADAM)
//FEMALE DD DSN=MAN(EVE)
//SYSABEND DD DSN=ETERNAL.HELL
//SYSIN DD *
ALL THE DATASETS NOW EXIST. LET MAN TEND THE CONSOLE
AND REPLENISH THE LINE PRINTER AND KEEP HIS MITTS OUT
OF THE MICROCODE!
/*
//DAYSEVEN EXEC PGM=ENTROPHY,COND=((IT IS GOOD,DAYSIX),ONLY)
//TIME DD DSN=ETERNITY
//SYSIND DD *
NOW LET THE SYSTEM RUN, THE PANEL LIGHTS TWINKLE, AND THE DISKS
FILL WITH DATA!
/*
//
Comments
Creation Science
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
come a long way and no longer needed G-d. So they picked one
scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we
no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
G-d listened very patiently to the man. After the scientist was done
talking, G-d said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
But G-d added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem"
and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
G-d looked at him and said, "No, no -- you go get your own dirt."
Comments
The Creation of Woman
Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and
so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual
historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's
ribs.
Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries, last week,
at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea,
archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date
Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's
beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible
"... and G-d created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her
young. And G-d spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit,
but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there
anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"
And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I
do not need but two breasts."
And G-d said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."
There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and
Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.
"Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.
And so it was, G-d created Man."
Comments
Cyber-Bris
Q: What do you call Internet communications sent by one who performs
circumcisions?
A: E-moil
Comments
A Darkened Theater
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
"Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good,
are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a
nice, Jewish girl?"
Comments
Dating Criteria
A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings
him into the living room to meet her parents.
"Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We'll be home early," she says.
Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his
name that he is a Gentile.
When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately,
"Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?
"No Mom, he's not." replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle
is about to begin.
Momentary silence from the mom.
"Well - is he Pre-Med?"
Comments
The Catch
by Anne Silver
"He's into dog s--t," I told Maggie when she asks what my latest date does
for a living.
"Cool."
"Not only that, but Bart has his own airplane so he can go all around the
country selling his pooper scooper. He is the King,"
Typical Jewish date for me, he told me how generous he is but gave
nothing to me while he took everything he could get his hands on, including my
body. He even pretended to be obsessed with my poetry. He was a salesman,
and he told me that he always likes to maneuver his customers by learning
all he can about them while giving them no information about himself. And
I was one dumb customer myself. I did noticed he didn't talk about himself
unless it was to complain about his ex wife not enjoying life like he does,
or that his father stupidly threw his life away by taking care of his
mother when she got sick, or repeatedly telling me his net worth, because I
was too busy being flattered by his attention. And then he disappeared
saying he needed space.
"You know how to select 'em, Miss Anne," my friend says.
"When are you going to fix my picker? You're a shrink, for God's sake.
Help me, Maggie."
Since Maggie is single, she doesn't have any answers either, except she
knows when to come in out of the courtship storm. She had the brains to
get religion and be orthodox, so if she does happen to meet a nice Jewish
guy, at least she'll know he's trying to live a righteous life.
The last guy I dated for a blink, Barry, hosts venting events. He
holds a microphone while standing in the middle of a coffee house while people
puke their complaints against men, traffic, men, Clinton, men, into the air.
He runs around like a stumpy Donahue trying to get everyone to get out their
frustrations, which makes them more and more angry. I told him all the
psychology studies, and all the Buddhist teachers say that anger begets anger.
But Barry says he is spiritual. He knows the score. In fact, he is so
developed and in tune with the cosmos, he refused to thank me for arranging
a dinner at a posh restaurant and getting him a present on his birthday.
Refused!
The guy before him was Don the cartoonist who took $800 from me to
illustrate a book but wouldn't give me the pictures or pay the money back.
Then he complained that I gave him the opportunity to rob me and ruin his
character.
I ask myself, which one is Moe, Larry or Curly and then I realize
I'm the stooge. And I beg Maggie to take and shred my dating card. Really.
I wonder why I would want to keep dating when it's always the same guy.
I suppose I am an optimist. My mother, may she rest in peace, used
to tell me a pessimist is never disappointed. But she was a pessimist, and
she was always disappointed. At least I have intermittent rays of hope.
For instance, just today a guy held the door open for me. And the other
day, I went on a date where the guy actually paid for my dinner. He did
ask to be reimbursed when I told him I wasn't going to go to bed with him.
But for a moment I was happy.
I think my dating life was cursed from the start, because I lied to
my mother. When I was 14, I asked if I could go out with Melvin Honowitz to
see the Association at the Ice House in Pasadena. He was in AZA and I was
a BBG. She said I was too young. I told her she shouldn't have let me
skip a grade if I couldn't be allowed to do what girls in my grade got to
do. I omitted the fact that they weren't allowed to date. Mel is actually
the only nice Jewish guy I ever went out with. I should have quit while I
was ahead, instead of thinking I would meet another one like him.
Maybe I have been dating too long. Or I should have dated non-Jewish
men. But my mother wanted me to marry a Jew. I didn't ever tell her that
with Jewish men, I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, verbally abused,
publically humiliated, beaten up, raped and robbed. And I swear on my
mother's dust, I have not deserved any of it.
Each and every Jewish guy I have dated have expected me to be their
audience, demanded to be served, massaged, held and comforted without
giving one of those things in return, which is how my mother described my
late father. I don't know how she could say that. H hugged me a couple of
times.
If a woman knew what I have experienced with the Jewish men I have
met and dated, she would have to be out of her mind to want to date one.
When I see "Mad About You", I think, poor woman. Poor, poor blond woman.
You have no idea what's going to happen when you ask for something in return
for all the kindness you will show this man. And I also say, you can have him.
But to be honest, I hear the same complaints from my Christian
girlfriends. I've dated a couple of them and my worse complaint was that
one drank too much. Well, a couple of them did.
I've been praying lately, trying to get G-d's ear so I can ask him,
please, take away this rage before I explode and take out the whole
Westside. But I think the loudest complainers, blamers and takers got His
audience first. They are more practiced at getting attention with those
tactics. Maybe I should go to Barry's venting event. And maybe I won't.
After God blessed me by giving me myself. After all, I could have been
born one of these guys I've learned to despise.
When I was young, I used to dream that I'd have a Jewish home when I
grew up. That I'd light the Sabbath candles and have a lovely table set for
my family. But the only Jewish guys I know who would appreciate such a
peaceful life are either very gay, or those who have been my friends for a
long time, or they are married and already have families.
I am seriously considering changing my religion, not to Islam or
Native Americanism. Jainism has always attracted my interest. I'll roam the
streets and dirt paths of India as naked as the girls in any of my
ex-boyfriends' vast porno libraries but not air-brushed. I'll put my hands
out as a plate for food when I am hungry. It won't be difficult. I'll just
pretend I'm one of the Jewish men I have dated. The only difference is that
I will nod a thank you.
Comments
Return From Abroad
A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and
surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the
Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.
The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing
her daughter.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what
you were doing."
Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without
telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"
"He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my
new son-in-law."
The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother
sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a
feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads
and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.
The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on
both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....
I said RICH doctor!"
Comments
Davening Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one
day wishing something wonderful would change his life when he passed
a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a
schlomazel...eh?"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The
proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."
Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
and said: "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his
years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told
him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally,
they both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying
his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when
Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and
hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot
wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and
taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for
the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and
teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time,
Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about
to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to
say, they made quite a sight when they rrived at the Shul, and Meyer
was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who
refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time,
swearing that the parrot could daven.
Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or
Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his
shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on,
everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught
you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring
you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
Kippur!"
Comments
"Collect Call to G-d, Please"
A man realized that he had to stop to daven Mincha,
as it was getting dark. So he stopped by a
telephone booth, picked up the reciever, and made it
look like he was talking on the phone,
while he was actually davvening.
When he finished, he closed the siddur, hung up the
phone, and walked out of the booth,
wondering why everyone was standing around, laughing.
He looked up, to discover a sign on the phone booth
saying: "OUT OF ORDER".
Comments
All In A Day's Work
Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying
"Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying
"Please help a poor Jew".
People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any
of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by,
gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you
change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any
money?" and walks away.
As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would
teach US business..."
Comments
Children of Noah
Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to
be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all,
they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill
because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed
before Noah and said "We is honored to join you in this here
boat" although they weren't really sure what a boat was. In
fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites
joking about "Noah's Folly", saying the wood wasn't any good
for chewing.
Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was
really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded.
Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else,
water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the
ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with
all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet)
accounted for.
It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt.
Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt
and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber.
In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk
in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of
"eau de pew" into the chaos.
Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody
quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had
God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered
his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noah's frantic
prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.
In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of
rope and said, "Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle
securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me
that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink.
Will you help me?"
Deelya looked at Roosevelt. "What gift be dat?" she asked. "Only
things different 'bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is
getting a workout right about now."
But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher
calling, decided "If the Good Lord says it, it must be true."
So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk
stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could
manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.
Noah had life's major constraints in place, and had called all
the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered
mainly on God's providence and the necessity to begin repopulating
the earth.
Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a
little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come
forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their
free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future
anthill full of special noses.
As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud
"Y'know, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!"
Comments
Dear Sir
When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of
the World).
When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu"
(Our Father, Our King).
A Reform Jew addresses G-d as:
"Oh L-rd, Thou art One".
A Reconstructionist says:
"To whom it may concern".
Comments
Definition of a Jewish Joke
A joke that a Gentile won't get,
and
A joke that a Jew has heard and
knows how to tell it better.
Comments
Home, Sweet Home
A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked
his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be
buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem,
put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in
some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He
called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to
the United States."
The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come?
You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in
Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"
Comments
Differences
Q: What's the difference between a Goy, an Ashkenazi Jew, and a
Sephardic Jew?
A: The Goy has a mistress and wife and loves his mistress;
The
Ashkenazi Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his wife;
and the
Sephardic Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his mother.
Comments
The Difference Between Jewish and Italian Mothers
What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son
won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't
eat her cooking?
The Italian mother kills her son; the Jewish mother kills
herself.
Comments
Dinner?
A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul.
He asks his wife, "Nu, what's for dinner?"
She says "Yesterday we had chicken."
Comments
Disney Supports New Solution to Status of Jerusalem
Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked
by reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.
However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let
it slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
solution to the next, most difficult stage, in the implementation of
the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected
offer from the Disney corporation.
Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements will
have to be settled through direct negotiations between the involved
parties, the preliminary details are as follows:
The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length of
time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious theme
park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park will be
subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim Land," with
the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of Old Jerusalem's
present religious "quarters."
Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised, but
the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly enthusiastic
about the potential for a series of mechanical rides and roller
coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already produced outlines
of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on tracks, will retrace
the steps of the High Priest through the ancient Temple, culminating in
a special surprise in the Holy of Holies." A similar ride has been
devised for the Via Dolorosa, following the stations of the cross.
The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
"Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
Al-Aqsa mosque.
Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant about
confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this moment,
more than distant speculations.
When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem than
previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous contributions to a
number of yeshivahs and other religious institutions. "Many
ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the prospect that they can get
paid in dollars just for walking around in their traditional clothing.
In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis were generally less concerned with the
content of the park, which their own people would be unlikely to visit,
than with receiving assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the
inclusion of any "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney
representative did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods
might be included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).
Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose,
and proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined
monorail and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the
capital's traffic congestion.
A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan.
However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism
from fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.
"The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the Aladdin
fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their original
suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in the
Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
(possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California
Disneyland.
Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow for
the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.
The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course, the
security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in the
volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?
"No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this stage,
but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we refer to as
the `Temple Mounties'."
Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions. His
assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."
Comments
Canine Bar Mitzvah
There was once a man who wanted to make a bar mitzvah for his
dog. He decided that he would consult his Orthodox Rabbi and
seek his advice.
The Rabbi said "Are you crazy!!! a Bar Mitzvah for a dog."
The man replied, "Yes, Rabbi. He has been part of my family
for thirteen years"
The rabbi said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this for you"
The man continued and went along to a conservative rabbi and
the rabbi responded in the same way "I can't do a Bar Mitzvah
for a dog".
The man went ahead and asked his local Reform Rabbi if he
would do the Bar Mitzvah for him. The Rabbi said, "Listen,
we do a lot of crazy things around here but a Bar Mitzvah for
a dog is absurd"
The frustrated man responded, "Rabbi, I'll give you $18,000
to do this for me......Please..!!!" The Rabbi quickly shot
his head around and said "You never told me the dog was
Jewish"
Comments
A Dying Wish
An elderly Jew is on his deathbed and, much to his relatives'
surprise, calls for a priest. When the priest arrives, the man
declares, "I want to convert."
Confused, the priest asks, "Sir, why on earth would you want to become
a Catholic when you've lived all your life a Jew?"
"Better one of them should die than one of us!" the man snaps.
Comments
El Al Announcements
An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the
passengers hear:
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are
Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz.
Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."
Comments
The English Paper
To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the
class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science
fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the
professor was grading them and came across this paper:
There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Across the border
from Isaac, Abdul, an Arab border guard, had his post. One night,
Abdul crept over the border and killed Isaac.
When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous
night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a
raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.
This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli
reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and
Israelis were at war.
Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused,
reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in
red ink, and then moved on to the next paper.
The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as
he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached
and asked to speak with the professor.
I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.
"It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to
write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to
do with the assigned subject."
"I must disagree," said the student. . "I think that my paper
examined the very basis of Zion's Friction."
Comments
Everything's Coming Up Moses
(a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song)
By Alan Friedman
(Parady as Sung by Al Gore)
Who'd have guessed? Whoever knew?
Such commotion when I picked a Jew
Starting here, starting now,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses
Joe is wise, and he's deft,
So what if he reads right to left?
He's devout, Clinton's out,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses
There's an aura,
My campaign's energized,
Votes will pour-
Soon we can all dance the hora.
It's an exciting time,
At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve beef, axe the pork,
Now we'll carry New York, And I can take my Saturdays off, too,
Baby, everything's coming up Moses For me and for you!
(c) Southern Discomfort Productions. Used with Permission.
Comments
Exodus - In Computer Command Language
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release
Set ISRAEL;mode=master
Pharaoh already running in master mode,
cannot change ISRAEL
Set Pharaoh;mode=slave
Command ignored
Load Moshe/Moses
Done
Deactivate Pharaoh
Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated
For i=1 to 10 do plagues
Are you sure? Y
Done
Release ISRAEL
error: ISRAEL uninitialized
Set ISRAEL = 600,000
Done
Release ISRAEL
ISRAEL released
Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!
Save ISRAEL
Specify save device
Save ISRAEL with miracle
Done
Move ISRAEL to Sinai
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
active golden calf routine
Destroy calf
Done
For I=1 to 10 do commandments
Done; commandments stored on hard rock device
Move ISRAEL to desert
Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop
Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years
Done
Build Mishkan
Syntax error
Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel
Done
Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL
Warning: operand terms must be unique
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN
set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)
Done
Move ISRAEL to CANAAN
Done
Happy Pesach/Passover
To you too
Comments
Exodus: On the Light Side
(from Lights in Action)
The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...
Previously on
"The Pentateuch (say what?)":
...And Jacob was buried in the Cave of Machpelah like unto his fathers, and
Joseph too grew so long of years as to be near death, and did die, and
furthermore did not live any longer...
...And so ended the Beginning.
And now begins part two of the five-part miniseries, "The Pentateuch (say
what?)":
...Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt:
Who, What, I Don't Know Who, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don't
Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot
and Costello routine and changed them to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah,
Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was
fine for the Lord, though "Issachar's on first?"-"No, Naphtali's on first;
Issachar's on second."-"Zebulun."-"Third base." did not make any sense unto
Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem...
...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing,
considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, did they become
ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with
them and in fact double-teeming, and well, there were really a whole lot of
them is the concept we're trying to get across here...
...And a new king arose upon Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph
for he had read not the history books nor the Bible and did believe that it
was all just so much revisionist camel dung. And the Pharaoh did see that
the Jews were waxing ridiculously large of number and did say to his
cabinet, "Forsooth, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our
enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from out our land." And his
ministers did look favorably upon his knowledge of Proverbs and did agree
with him. And did one of Pharaoh's lackeys further say, "Let us deal
craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic
stimulus plan," and Pharaoh quoth "Make it so," and did further quoth,
"Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it"...
...And the Israelites were forced to build the Pyramids and then to move
them around until they were in the right places and then to construct and
solve a giant Rubik's Triangle. And did they wail one unto the other, "Oy!"
But did the Children of Israel continue to multiply and did Pharaoh become
alarmed and fear that when they had ceased to multiply they would also
divide - and conquer. And so did Pharaoh add to their troubles and did
issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River.
And did the tabloids declare that this was because Pharaoh's horoscope had
told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born
at a certain time...
...But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole
in Pharaoh's decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation
device. And forsooth, she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did
place it upon the Nile. And the baby's sister did look upon him from afar.
And did the baby muse to himself as he floated: "Lo, lo, lo, my boat gently
down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily..." And did the daughter of
Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, overhear the infant and know that it
was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever come up with such an
atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt
the baby as her own and she did call his name Moses, saying, "For I drew
him out of the water and, er, well, it's a better name than basket"...
...And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and
did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Isralite
and was mightily ticked off. And after looking to make sure that there was
no overhead camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And
lo, when he went out the next day, two Isrealites strove together like unto
Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his
fellow, saying, "Why dost thou smite thy fellow?" And the Israelite did
reply, "My, my, aren't we feeling superior today, Mr.
let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?" And did Moses quoth, "Uh
oh," for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore to appear on Hard Copy
that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the
neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending
the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro...
...And it came to pass that the L-rd heard the cries of the Children of
Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
(see Genesis). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the desert in a
burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, "I am the L-rd, thy
G-d." And Moses spake, saying "What?" And the Lord spake, saying, "No,
What's on second. I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake saying, "Oh my
G-d." And G-d spake, saying, "Thou catchest on fast." And G-d did say
further, "I am the G-d of thy father, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,
and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and
unto a land flowing with milk and honey." And Moses said, "Gross," for
stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling
unto the feet...
...And did G-d quoth, "I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and
lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt land. Tell old
Pharaoh to let my People go." And did Moses reply, "Who, me? But I'm, uh,
that is, I don't, uh, I'm not really that great at, uh, public speaking,
see..." And the Lord said, "Go. Thy brother Aaron (Remeber him?) shall
speak in thy stead." And did the Lord give Moses miracles and wonders to
show in Egypt, such as how to win at three card monte...
...And Moses did go and did speak unto Pharaoh, saying, "Thus saith the
Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me." And Pharaoh quoth,
"Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!" And Moses did perform there the
miracles that G-d had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was unimpressed, for his
own magicians could win at three card monte (though he could not). And did
the Pharaoh quoth, "Get this joker out of here," and did order that the
Israelites' toil be made harder...
...And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free
the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance
and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and
there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and
turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh cammanded his magicians to do the
same, whereupon Moses' snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp,
and turn back into a staff. But the Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was
by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger
than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staffs...
...And lo, now did the Lord really get cooking. And it came to pass that
the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses
bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his
chief of staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish
did expire not unlike those of Boston Harbour. And lo, all the water in all
the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the
wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of
the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth,
"Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!"...
...And Pharaoh's heart was
hardened for he was a moron, and Moses caused frogs to overrun the land and
to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians did
in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs
(which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh's court did not require much
in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to
remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when
they had removed the frogs - who, in the manner of their kind, did croak -
Pharaoh's heart was hardened once again...
...And Moses brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians
tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the
magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, "This is the
finger of G-d!" And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate
being given the finger, and his heart remained hard...
..And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and
boils and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, and Pharaoh still did not
heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews
for... they were the Jews...
...And Moses brought darkness unto the land, darkness so dark that man
could not see his fellow man and there was much bumping into one another
until even this was stopped due to it being so dark. And the darkness was
black, even blacker than Spinal Tapp's "Smell the Glove" jacket...
...And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness
and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to the
palace. And the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, "Tell the People to take a
lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it and eat
of the meat and smear the blood on their doors. On this night I shall slay
the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites shall
I pass over." And did Moses quoth, "Hey, what a great name for a holiday!"
And the Lord did sayeth, "What, Passover?" And Moses quoth, "Uh, actually I
was thinking of Bloody Door Day, but Passover does have a nice ring to it"...
...And the Israelites did as Moses bid them. And the Lord quoth, "This
shall be a holiday for generations: all leavened bread - and all food.
Comments
Extremely Reform Craft Project
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
During the week encourage young children to work on a Jewish craft or
project to present on the Sabbath.
Make Your Own Yarmulke (An Extremely Reform Craft Project)
Step 1. Find an old Mickey Mouse hat.
Step 2. Tear off the ears.
* Note: In general, Nintendo is not considered a 'Jewish Craft.'
Comments
Reform Rules
from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader
The mezuzah: Even if you have no idea what it is, by all means
affirm the Extremely Reform Jewishness of your home by
owning religious artifacts that you find puzzling. Each member
of the household, each time they pass it, should touch it gently
with their fingertips and then kiss their fingertips, until everyone
in the household has the same flu symptoms.
Jewish Dietary Laws are not to be confused with Jewish Laws
of Dieting, though both involve widespread rationalizing and
cheating. Making food kosher involves removing unwanted
impurities, such as flavor. This process is described in greater
detail in the Jewish bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to
Good Cuts of Meat.
Comments
Extremely Reform Synagogue Survival Skills
from
How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader
Survival Tip Number 6: No, You Don't Have to Know Hebrew
(Showing Up For Services Is Sufficiently Amazing.) A question commonly
asked by Extremely Reform Jews is, "Must I pray in Hebrew?" No, and wipe
that look of terror off your face. Fluency in Hebrew, of course, is
vital to the proper understanding of Israeli truck driver insults.
On the other hand, a famous Hungarian Rabbi used to conduct his prayer
services entirely in Hungarian. This does not mean you have to learn
either Hebrew or Hungarian. It simply means that you can pray in any
language you can actually speak. . . .
Basic Extremely Reform Hebrew
"Shabbat Shalom!" --
"Good Sabbath!"
"Ha Goldfarberim kanu yachta." --
"The Goldfarbs bought a yacht."
"Hi hishmina me'az hashana she'avra." --
"She's gotten heavier since last year."
"Ani hoshez she'ani mikabel hatkafat podagra." --
"I think I'm having a gout attack."
Comments
Fershtayn Yiddish?
Mrs. Lapidus approached a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugged on the
sleeve of his coat and asked, "Fershtayn Yiddish?"
The man answered, "Ya, ich fershtay."
Says Mrs. Lapidus, "Gut. Vot time is it?"
Comments
Dentistry and Religion
As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
religiously."
"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to synagogue."
Comments
Funny Wife
"If your wife laughs at your jokes, it means that you
either have a good joke or a good wife."
-- Yiddish Saying
Comments
Gabbai Chain Letter
Dear Fellow Gabbai:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been
in many major synagogues. Now it has come to you. It will bring you
good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must
follow these instructions:
include the names below in your next "mi sheberach".
remove the first name from the list and add your own name at the bottom.
make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be blessed 10,000 times! This will
amaze your family, assure your unbounded success and improve your
religious life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
Do not break the loop, but send this letter on today.
The illustrious gabbai Itzik J. of New York received this letter and within
a year after passing it on was picked as chief gabbai of all New York
State! Fred W. threw the letter away and lost all his money on the stock
exchange. Judas H. received the letter and put it aside. That week, he
forgot to give an aliyah to the shul president (!) and by mistake called
only six people to the Torah instead of seven. He found the letter and
passed it on, and later that week was acclaimed gabbai of the year. Rabbi
Adrian B. did not pass the letter on, and he was told that day that his
shul was to be dismantled and he was out of a job! This could happen to you
if you break this chain.
Dina Sara ben Haman (Shushan)
Steven Wendel ben Augustus (Ramallah)
Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo ben Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo (Holy Temple)
Menahem Israel ben Soussa Mahmoud (Jerusalem)
Comments
It's All Relative
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl
and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure
she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very
disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,
and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
black boy you were dating last year?"
Comments
Answering Prayers
"In the synagogue I heard men praying," said the boy. "It must be awfully
hard for G-d."
"Why?" asked the rabbi.
"The woodcutter was praying for cold weather, the fruit-seller for mild
weather, the farmer for rain, and the brickmaker for dry
weather. They are godly men. How does G-d know how to answer all their
prayers?"
"How is the weather now?" asked the rabbi.
"Dry and mild."
"And last week?"
"On Monday and Tuesday it rained. Thursday it was cold."
"See" said the rabbi.
Comments
Messages From Above
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign
(including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different
messages from G-d. This non-denominational campaign started in September
sponsored by an anonymous client.
1. "Need Directions?" - Gd
2. "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids " - Gd
3. "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - Gd
4. "We Need To Talk" - Gd
5. "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - Gd
6. "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - Gd
7. "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - Gd
8. "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - Gd
9. "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - Gd
10. "Follow Me." - Gd
11. "Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available." - Gd
12. "My Way Is The Highway." - Gd
13. "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test." - Gd
14. "You Think It's Hot Here?" - Gd
15. "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - Gd
Comments
A Second in the Life of G-d
by Simon Travaglia
...DoYouThinkICouldBeAllowedToStayUpLateCanYouMakeMeSomeoneElseCanIHaveANewCar
IfYouGetMeOutOfThisI'llBeBetterInFutureWhyWon'tSheNoticeMePLEASEHELPMEFINDMY
HOMEWORKIReallyAmSorrySoCanYouPleaseGetMeOutOfThisMessWhyDoesEveryoneElseGetIt
SoEasyWhileEverythingForMeIsSoDifficultPleaseLetHimNoticeMeCanYouUnbreakDad's
GuitarIfIPassThisExamIPromiseI'llGoToShulEveryDayForTheRestOfMyLifeCanYouMake
ThemStopPickingOnMePleaseLetMeGetOffWithASuspendedSentencePleaseMakeMeABetter
PersonCanIGetAPowerRangerForMyBirthdayAPromotionWouldBeReallyNiceAndIThinkI
DeserveItNotLikeGeorgeWhoNeverWorksForItAndDoesn'tReallyCareAboutTheCompanyPlease
BringHerBackToMeIWishTheyWouldJustDieButIGuessIShouldn'tHopeForThatPleaseHelpMe
SaveMoneyWouldYouJustGiveMeALittleMoreTime-There'sSoMuchIWantToDoWithMyLifeThat
StillIsn'tDoneWHYDOESTHISHAPPENTOME?PleaseLetHimKnowThatWeCareEvenIfWeForgetToTell
HimSometimesCanYouFindMyDog,ItMeansTheWorldToMeCouldYouLetMeWinTheLottery,EvenIf
It'sOnlyAHundredGrandOrSomethingAsItWouldReallyHelpMeThroughThisScrapePleaseDon't
LetAnyoneFindOutThatItWasMePleaseCanYouFindSomeWayForMeToGetANewBikePleaseCanYou
ChangeThePastSoThatItNeverHappenedAndNoOneGotHurtAndWe'reBackTogetherAgainLikeIt
WasPleaseCanYouMakeMeHappyWhyDiDYouTakeHimWhenYouCouldHaveTakenHisBrotherWhoWasNo
GoodToAnyonePleaseHelpMeFindMyChildWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOMEIT'SNOTFAIRPleaseCanYou
HelpThisJustBeOverAndDoneWithAsSoonAsPossiblePleaseHelpMeBeNotSoScaredPleaseMakeMy
BidTheSuccessfulOneCanYouJustFixThisUp,That'sAllIAskOfYouPleaseMakeHerNoticeMeAnd
RealiseThatI'mANicePersonWhereHasAllMyTimeGoneIDon'tFEELOldPleaaseMakeMeYoungAgain
PleaseCanYouMakeMeWinOnThisMachinePleaseCanYouHelpMeFindAWayToGetThroughThisPlease
LookAfterMyFriendNowThatSheNeedsSomeHelpPleaseCanIJustNotHaveSpentAllThatMoneyLast
NightPleaseLetUsBeFriendsAgainPleaseCanIHaveANewPlaceToLiveFixThisUpJustOnceMoreAnd
IWillNeverDoThatAgainCouldYouLetMeGetTheJobAndNotHerCanYouJustMakeAllTheHassleGoAway
CanYouPleaseMakeMomBuyMeANewPairOfNikesCanYouMakeThisYearSpeedUpSoThatIt'sOverWith
RealFastJUSTFIXITSOIDON'THAVETOGOAWAYAGAIN,INEVERMEANTTOHURTANYONECanIJustHaveSome
FoodForMeAndMyFamilyCanYouPleaseJustMakeItNotMalignantPleaseCanIWinThisRaceAfterAll
TheTrainingIPutInPleaseHelpMePleaseGrantMeAReprievePleaseDon'tLetMeHaveCancerPlease
LetHerSayYesCanIGetAllA'sForThisSemesterAndI'llWorkHarderNextTimePleaseDon'tLetMeDie
AloneCanIJustForOnceNotHavetoGoThroughAllThisAgainPleaseProtectMeNowMoreThanEverCanI
WinOneOfTheFreeTickets.....
Oh, Yeah, Thanks for that..
Comments
Brother - Can You Spare a Dime?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"
And G-d said "A minute."
Then the man asked:
"Well, what's a million dollars to you?"
and G-d said: "A penny"
Then the man asked:
"G-d.....can I have a penny?"
And G-d said:
"Sure.....In a minute."
Comments
While Jimmy Carter was in office he took an inter-religious
sebaticle. While in Rome, he had a private sitting with the Pope. While
in the Pope's office Carter noticed a gold phone in the corner. Carter
asked the pope what it was, he answered by saying it is a telephone to
G-d. The Pope asked Carter if he wanted to talk. So Carter picked up the
phone listened for a sec. and then smiled, "That was a truly incredible
experience!," he said, "Now what am I supposed to do? The Pope told him a
donation of $1000 is customary. Carter wrote a check, thanked the Pope
and left.
A few weeks later, Carter was in the Prime Minister of Israel's
office and he noticed a phone, nearly identical to the one in the Pope's
office. Carter asked him if it was a pone to G-d, also. The Prime
Minister told him it was and asked him if he wanted to talk. So Carter
picked up the phone, listened for a sec., and then smiled, "That was a
truly incredible experience!, Should I leave a donation?" "If you want
to," the prime minister said, "Put a couple of dollars in the collection
plate on your way out." Carter was confused. "In Rome I was asked for a
$1000 donateoin." "Ah, but that was long distance, " said the Prime
Minister of Israel.
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Comments
G-d Sues Man -- Claims 'Hurt Feelings'
HEAVEN -- G-d has gone on the offensive, launching a counter suit
against a Pennsylvanian man who sued the deity for ruining his life.
"I may be an omnipotent, all-powerful being, but I have feelings too,"
said G-d in a rare phone interview from Heaven. "And you don't want to
get on my bad side. As Supreme Beings go, I can be pretty vindictive."
G-d was reacting to a suit launched by Donald Drusky, 63, who blames the
all-powerful one for failing to bring him justice in a 30-year battle
against his former employer U.S. Steel. Drusky also wants G-d to return
his youth, give him guitar-playing skills, and resurrect his mother and
his pet pigeon.
"Defendant G-d is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
corrective action against the leaders of his church and his nation for
their extremely serious wrongs, that ruined the life of Donald Drusky,"
the lawsuit says.
"Yeah, well, I want the Red Sox to win the World Series, but it ain't
gonna happen," said an obviously angry G-d, as the sky rumbled. G-d's
suit calls for Drusky to cease and desist from blaming the Lord for his
problems, and keep at least 50 meters away from God at all times.
"And no more late night phone calls," said G-d. "I'm a busy deity. I
need my beauty sleep." Should the suit and counter suits go to trial,
G-d will likely choose to defend himself. "You know how tough it is
finding a lawyer in Heaven?"
Comments
Changes in Judaism through the Generations
by Ben Levi
The grandfather believes
The father doubts
The son denies
The grandfather prays in Hebrew
The father reads the prayers in English
The son doesn't pray at all
The grandfather observes all the festivals
The father observes Yom Kippur
The son does not observe any
The grandfather is still a Jew
The father has become an Israelite
The son is simply a deist
Comments
The G-dliness of Marriage
According to the Talmud, a Roman matron once asked a rabbi, "In how
many days did the Holy One, blessed be He, create the Universe?"
"In six days," he answered
"And what has He been doing since then, up to now?"
"He has been arranging marriages."
"Is that His occupation? I, too, could do it. I possess many male and
female slaves, and in a very short while I can pair them together."
He said to her, "If it is a simple thing in your eyes, it is as
difficult to the Holy One, blessed be He, as dividing the Red Sea."
He then took his departure.
What did she do? She summoned a thousand male slaves and a thousand
female slaves, set them in rows, and announced who should marry whom.
In a single night she arranged marriages for them all.
The next day they appeared before her, one with a cracked forehead,
another with an eye knocked out, and another with a broken leg.
She asked them, "What is the matter with you?"
One female said, "I don't want him."
Another male said, "I don't want her."
She forthwith sent for the rabbi and said to him, "There is no god
like your G-d, and your Torah is true..."
Comments
G-d Will Provide
A religious man lived a good live and always felt G-d had treated him
well. One day the water of a nearby river crested above the banks and a
flood began. While all his neighbors evacuated, he stood fast and told
them he wasn't worried, that G-d would provide.
As the water reached his roof, a man in a raft came by and told him to hop
on. He said no, that G-d would provide.
With the water now halfway up his roof a man in a rowboat came and
implored that the man come with him. He refused saying G-d would provide.
Finally a helicopter came and dropped a rope as the waters rose even
higher. He still stood fast at the top of his roof, insisting that G-d
would provide. The helicopter flew way, and soon the rising water carried
the man to his death.
At the gates of heaven the man asked G-d why he did not save him.
G-d replied, "What do you mean? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"
Comments
G-d May Already Be a Winner!!
GOD MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!
BUSHNELL, Fla. - The other 20 million finalists might as well give up.
One of the gold-sticker-laden sweepstakes entry forms and magazine sales
pitches that show up almost weekly in most Americans' mailboxes has been
sent to God.
American Family Publishers sent its form, whose addresses and letters are
computer-generated, to "God of Bushnell" at the Bushnell Assembly of God,
a church in Central Florida.
"God, were searching for you. You've been positively identified as our
$11,000,000 mystery millionaire," the form read.
The fine print showed the Creator was merely a finalist but a letter with
the entry form lured Him to try his luck. "Imagine the looks you'd get
from your neighbors ... but don't just sit there, God, come forward now
and claim your prize," it read.
Bill Brack, the church's pastor, read some of the letter to his
congregation last Sunday. "I knew He was around here, but this, well, it
was a surprise," Brack told the Tampa Tribune.
He said he had not yet decided whether the church would enter the
sweepstakes. "God has $11 million," he said.
Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.
First Ed McMahon worked with Johnny Carson, and now, Dick Clark. And soon
he gets to present a check for $11 million to God. He's obviously lived
the good life.
Comments
The Gefilte Fish Story
Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish
is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's
creatures. This explains exactly what a gefilte fish is.
Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate
New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the
surface, Frum fishermen set out to 'catch' gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal
fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard
bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe
thousands of years. For all we know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching.
I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing
doctor spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is
it done? Well, you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is
very important! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted.
You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say 'here boy, here boy.'
The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come in mass to the
edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.
Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong
and the weak. The weak are your standard fish, which are in a loose 'broth' (it
is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a
'jell.' These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are
caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that
'jell.'
Last year a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, 'Reb,
shouldn't they be saying `Here Boychic!' I didn't have the heart to tell him,
Boychic is a Yiddish word and gefilte fish don't understand Yiddish! Only
Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether
to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition,
shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still
insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of 'Here Boy' as Reform and
not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of Rabbis (who have to be
present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept 'here boy'!
The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim
is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides the fish know when Pesach
is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time.
I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which
the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a
small price to pay the luxury of eating this delicacy.
Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little
guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect
you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!
Comments
The Generals' Baskets
Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs,
traditions, and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military
in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their
generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their correspondence:
"Sacred", "Top Sacred" and "OY, Don't Ask !"
Comments
The Online Book of Genesis
IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
(To justify G-d's ways to the 21st century.)
In the beginning there was the computer. And G-d said
:Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
:Hashem
#Enter password.
:Omniscient
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Omnipotent
#Password incorrect. Try again.
:Technocrat
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
:Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create light
#Done
:Run heaven and earth
#And G-d created Day and Night. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
:Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
:Create firmament
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
:Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
:Create dry_land
#Done.
:Run firmament
#And G-d divided the waters. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
:Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create sun_moon_stars
#Done
:Run sun_moon_stars
#And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
:Create fish
#Done
:Create fowl
#Done
:Run fish, fowl
#And G-d created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
#And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.
#And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
:Create cattle
#Done
:Create creepy_things
#Done
:Now let us make man in our image
#Unspecified type. Try again.
:Create man
#Done
:Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth
#Too many command operands. Try again.
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.
:Insert breath
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 5 errors.
:Move man to Garden of Eden
#File Garden of Eden does not exist.
:Create Garden.edn
#Done
:Move man to Garden.edn
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 4 errors.
:Copy woman from man
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 3 errors.
:Insert woman into man
#Illegal parameters. Try again.
:Insert man into woman
#Done
:Run multiplication
#Execution terminated. 2 errors.
:Create desire
#Done
:Run multiplication
#And G-d saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create freewill
#Done
:Run freewill
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Undo desire
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Help
#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Create tree_of_knowledge
#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
:Create good, evil
#Done
:Activate evil
#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
1 errors.
:Scan Garden.edn for man, woman
#Search failed.
:Delete shame
#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.
:Destroy freewill
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
:Stop
#Unrecognizable command. Try again
:Break
:Break
:Break
#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
:Create new world
#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.
:Destroy earth
#Destroy earth: Please confirm.
:Destroy earth confirmed
#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.
#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
Comments
Genesis 1
In the beginning G-d created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let there be light; and there was light. And
when there was Light, G-d saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.
And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had
made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
overtime were Tuesday.
And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise
all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land ,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for
instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
called Wednesday.
And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or
feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let
each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like,
whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and
feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.
And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species
competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and
some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d
was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them
to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And
he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters
beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating.
And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which
was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God
created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.
And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I
have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall
Surf be wedded unto Turf.
And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank Me it's Friday. And G-d made the
weekend.
Comments
Genesis: On the Light Side
from Lights in Action
The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...
In the beginning...
Well, let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what happened in the
beginning. So to avoid controversy, let's move on...
...and G-d said, "Let us make man in our image and likeness," And feminists
everywhere took offense at this, saying, "And what of woman?" at which
point G-d responded by creating woman as a "helpmate." And again, the
feminists turned their faces upwards toward the heavens and asked, "But
what of equality?" and G-d replied, "I understand where you're coming from,
but man isn't ready for that yet. Believe Me. I'm half woman."...
...And G-d made man and woman, both male and female made He them for male
and female both made did She, G-d, that is, in His making. (Check out the
text, Genesis 1:27. It really reads like this!) And G-d placed them in the
Garden of Eden. And G-d spake unto them, saying, "All of the bounty of the
Garden ye shall surely consume, save the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
"From the tree of knowledge ye shall not taste, lest my wrath grow large
and, well, it won't be pretty."
But Eve did eat from the tree of knowledge and so too did Adam. And it all
went pretty much down hill from there as one could expect...
...And the Lord spake unto Man and Woman, saying, "The ire of the Lord hast
thine irked." And did the Man and the Woman fall upon their knees and say,
"See, we never know when you're kidding." Still the Lord, being omniscient
and all, was not impressed and continued, saying, "Ye shall be banished
from the Garden of Eden and be forced to work the land in back-breaking
labor, or perhaps telemarketing." And they were banished to the land East
of Eden (later to be inhabited by their descendent James Dean)...
...and the couple bore two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain, being of the
field, was of the field. Abel tended livestock. And Cain madeth a sacrifice
unto the Lord, bringing him produce of the field (and some real
mayonnaise). And Abel too madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord. But G-d
accepted only Abel's offering. And Cain became enraged and stomped around
grumbling, "Good for nothing farshtunkiner Abel," and rose up and hacked
his brother to pieces. And G-d's voice shone down from the heavens, saying,
"Abel, oh Abel, wherefore art thine Abel?" And Cain responded, "Am I my
brother's keeper?" And G-d was irked for this was not Jeopardy and question
form was not acceptable. And the Lord lay down some severe punishments for
Cain, not the least of which was a career in telemarketing...
...And as the generations begat generations and they begat generations,
humankind filled the earth, and many people began to wonder what the word
"begat" really meant. And humankind became an abomination in the eyes of
G-d, for they respected not their fellows and did murder and did steal and
did plunder and did play bad 70's music... But Noah was a man of G-d. And
G-d spoke unto Noah, saying, "Build for thee an ark and take of every
animal and every fowl and every creepy-crawly two, both male and female,
onto the ark, for it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and lo, the
sewers shall back up." And speaking further G-d spake, "Warn the people of
the land and bid that they repent, lest the flood shall surely consume
them." And Noah warned and built, built and warned, and lo the rains came,
and the earth was submerged and the people drowned, save those that were in
the ark. And after 40 days and 40 nights, the rains subsided and Noah sent
out a raven to see whence there was land and
the raven went aflying,
spying for the land
thought lost forevermore
But Noah's patience was he trying,
for the earth was still not drying
for drying was not yet in store.
On the raven Noah stopped relying
And started on implying
that the Raven was not trying
- and you won't get this unless you've
covered Edgar Allen Poe in Lit 101 -
just a friendly warning -
not trying to alert him as he'd
bid him to before
so a dove was sent a flying
and some land-info supplying
supplying an olive branch
to prove there was now both sea and shore
and G-d promised..no floods.
Quoth the raven,
"Nevermore."...
...And yet again man rebelled against G-d and rose up as one to build a
tower to reach the heavens. And G-d said "Verily shall I bring a flood to
destroy the- Wait a minute. I promised not to do that any more, didn't I?
Darn!" And G-d smote the tower and dispersed man to the four corners of the
earth and unto every land bestowed a different language, saying "I shall
create diversity and multiculturalism and it shall be a bane and a plague
on their existence - up until the 20th century, when they will finally get
some use out of it."...
...Many generations later, there was Abraham. And Abraham saw the stars and
the sand and the home-shopping network and said, "Lo forsooth, what for!
All this could not have happened by itself. Thusly, all of the world's
bounty must come from one single source." (According to the Midrash - a
part of the Torah transmitted orally and later written down.) And Abraham
rode for many days on his camel, declaring, "Ho there, I have discovered
monotheism." And the Middle East Enquirer did pick up the story and quoth,
"Man claims: Aliens revealed to me there is but one G-d." And did the
stand-up comics of the day mock Abraham in their monologues and the people
laugh, saying, "One G-d? That idea will never catch on!"...
...And Abraham did many good deeds for the people, and his house was always
open to strangers, and he taught the men of the nature of G-d. And Sarah
did teach the women (for lo, co-education had not yet been invented)...
...And G-d spake unto Abraham, saying, "Go forth from the land of thy
birthplace, from the land of thy ancestors, from the land of thy home, in
which you dwell. Go unto the land which I shall tell you." Quoth Abraham,
"What, Uganda?" Quoth the Lord, "Go to Canaan." And speaking further, G-d
spake, "Behold, ye shall be the father of a nation more numerous than the
stars in the sky and this nation shall enter the land of Canaan and the
whole shebang shall be called Israel, save a portion of the south, which
shall sometimes be called Egypt." And Abraham and Sarah and Lot, his
nephew, packed their bags and moved to the Galilee...
...And Abraham was 99 years old when G-d spoke to him, saying, "I must have
a covenant between you and me, the Lord, your G-d. Take unto thee a knife
and clip thy foreskin as a covenant unto me." And Abraham did so, and spake
unto the Lord saying, "Ouch!" And Abraham wanted to invite men to his house
to show them good hospitality (for lo, the day was hot and none had left on
the air-conditioning). And Abraham was downcast and in pain. And G-d saw
Abraham's downcast visage and sent him three angels to be his guests. And
Abraham was no longer downcast, though still in pain. And the angels said
unto Abraham, "To yourself and Sarah shall be born a son, who shall be next
in the line of the Jewish people." And Sarah overheard this and laughed to
herself, saying, "Yeah, right" for yea, verily she was ancient and thought
it farcical. And Abraham also laughed and thought to himself, "Lo, methinks
childbirth to be more painful than a circumcision at 99 with no
anesthetic!"...
...Meanwhile, in other regions of the Middle East, it was, oh, how shall we
say it?, the best of times and the worst of times. There were these two
cities, Sodom and Gemorah. Whenever there came a visitor to these cities,
if they were short, they would be stretched, and if they were tall, they
would have their legs chopped off (according to Midrash - oral tradition).
And the Lord looked down upon Sodom and Gemorah and was want to smite them.
And the Lord spoke unto Abraham, saying, "I shall toast both Sodom and
Gemorah until they are little crunchy black ashes in the eyes of the Lord."
And Abraham could not bear to see them suffer and pleaded to the lord, "If
there be even 50 righteous men among them, may you spare the cities." But
there were not 50 righteous men. And Abraham did bargain with the Lord but
lo, there were not even 10 righteous men, and the Lord smote Sodom and
Gemorah. And the visiting angels said unto Lot, Abraham's nephew, "G-d
shall smite the city of Sodom in which you live. Quick, you must flee, and
your wife too. But lo, ye are only being saved on the merit of thine uncle,
who is in the G-d business, and the Lord hath forbidden you to witness the
destruction." But Lot's wife was weak and did turn around. And so, she was
turned into a pillar of salt (proving that you didn't want to mess with G-d
in those days 'cause if you did, you sure got some weird punishments)...
...And G-d blessed Abraham and Sarah with a son whom they called Isaac. And
G-d said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." And Abe said, "No way." And G-d said,
"Way." And Abraham's faith in G-d was complete. And he did take his son
Isaac, who was to be the continuation of his beliefs, and did bring him up
onto Mount Moriah, which G-d did command, and did set about to sacrifice
him to the Lord. And Isaac said unto Abraham, his father, "Well dad, you've
just spoken to G-d on High. What are we gonna do next?" And Abraham spake
unto his son, Isaac, saying, "We're going to Disney Land." And when Abraham
had bound his only son Isaac and had made ready the knife, a voice came
down from the heavens, saying, "Have you ever had the feeling that your
sacrifices weren't turning out quite right? Ever had a bunch of deities
over for dinner and had them refuse your offerings? Well, that's probably
because you're not using New and Improved Oscar-Meyer Non-Human sacrifices.
That's right, sacrifice cows, sheep, goats and fowl instead of your sons
and daughters. We've proven through a scientific study that the only G-d
that actually exists prefers Oscar-Meyer Non-Human products over the old
human variety 100 times out of 100. Here, try it now!" And lo, a ram
wandered out of the underbrush, and Abraham did un-bind Isaac his son, and
did sacrifice the ram in his stead...
...And when Sarah heard that Isaac her son, was to be sacrificed - for the
gossip columnists had swooped down on the story like unto a flock of
vultures - she went into shock, and didst die. And Abraham did return with
Isaac from Mt. Moriah and was forced to bury Sarah, his wife, and set his
eyes upon the cave of Machpelah in Hebron to be the burial site. And did
Efron, the Hittite, who owned the cave, quoth unto Abraham, "I shall make
unto thee an offer which thou canst not refuse, for lo, we are friends,
riiiight?" And he did set the price at 400 clams. Quoth Abraham, "Heck,
what's a little extortion between friends?" and he did buy the cave...
...And Isaac had grown long of years yet had not yet found a bride. And he
did put an ad in the "personals" section of the Canaan Jewish week, so
writing, (Single Jewish Male) "Intelligent, attractive, learned man seeks
wife open to new ideas, willing to give up idolatry, mother to be
progenitor of an entire nation." And after much time, Abraham decided that
lo, he must send someone to find Isaac a bride, and spake unto his
manservant, saying, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a
find, catch me a catch." And lo, the servant was indeed clueless as to how
to undertake such a thing and verily did he journey to a distant watering
hole and did speak to the bartender, saying "Rebecca, what fore have I to
do? I need to find for Isaac, the son of my master, Abraham, a bride. And
how might I do that?" And Rebecca said unto him, "Take thee a double, on
the house, and for thy camels too." And with that, he did jump up, saying,
"Rebecca, your small act of kindness has shown me it is you who should wed
Isaac, son of Abraham, my master," and so she did...
...And Isaac did know Rebecca in the biblical sense (as this was the Bible,
after all) and she did bear him twin sons, Jacob and Esau. And Esau was the
first born and was a hunter. And Jacob was a man of the book. And one day,
Esau did return from hunting and was so tired as to be termed "tired" and
did smell Jacob's soup and did say, "Jacob, wouldst thou be so kind as to
let me partake of your soup?" And Jacob said, "I'll trade ya my soup for
yer birthright as the firstborn." And lo, the deal was consume-ted...
...And Isaac was so long in years as to be, well, old, and lo, his eyes
couldst not see too well, and he knew that he would soon pass on. And
thinking that Esau would be the physical leader of the Jews, he called him
in to bless him. And Rebecca knew that Esau was worthy not of being part of
the Jewish people. And she did tell Jacob, "Tricketh thy father and wear
animal skin so he will think you are Esau, for Esau is hairy and your
father is blind as a bat." (Indeed, it was before the time of political
correctness and predated such terms as "visually impaired.") And while Esau
was out hunting, Jacob did tricketh Isaac as he did make himself feel hairy
unto Isaac, and did receive the blessing of the firstborn. And Esau
returned and the hoax was made apparent, and Jacob did flee for his life.
And Esau was verily ticked off, and still hairy...
...And Jacob journeyed toward the house of Laban and as the day drew nigh,
so did Jacob grow tired and was want to sleep. And Jacob put his head down
on a rock and thought, "Ooh, this is not too comfy," and commenced to
sleep. And dreaming a dream, Jacob dreamt, and there was a ladder that
extended to the heavens and angels ascended and descended. And G-d spake,
saying "Jacob, I shall be with you always, and ye shall inherit the land of
Israel, just as I have promised your father Isaac and your father's father
Abraham." And Jacob awoke, and was afraid and said, "I am afraid." And
Jacob placed there stones to mark the holy place, and they stayed for many
years and had many hit records, save the 70's which yea verily was their
bad decade...
...And Jacob journeyed thither (C'mon, we had to use "thither" at least
once.) unto Laban's house. And Jacob met Rachel, who was Laban's youngest
daughter. And Jacob said unto Lavan, "Thy daughter Rachel is fine of figure
and visage, and I wouldst like to wed her in holy matrimony." And Lavan
replied unto Jacob, saying "Ye must work for me seven years, doing many
things like chopping down a whole forest with a butter knife in a snowstorm
wearing only sandals, darning socks, killing livestock with thy bare hands,
knitting, and getting gas at the self-service island." Now Lavan did have
an elder daughter, Leah, and being that she was older, Lavan did decide to
pull a dirty trick on Jacob and put Leah under the veil in Rachel's stead.
And Jacob was mightily pleased, NOT, and did chase after Lavan, wielding a
very large and blunt goat, saying, "You dirty schnook!" And Jacob did work
for seven more years and did finally marry Rachel...
...And Jacob did love Rachel more than Leah, her sister. And Leah bore
Jacob four sons - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. And Rachel was barren,
and did give Bilha, her maidservant, to Jacob as a concubine. And she did
concube with Jacob and did bear two sons, Dan and Naphtali. And so Leah
gave her maidservant, Zilpah, unto Jacob as a concubine. (At this point, we
suggest that you set up a chart to make sense of all the names.) And Jacob
was very happy with all the women. And Zilpah bore two sons, Gad and Asher.
And Leah, bearing further bore Issachar and Zebulun. And Rachel prayed
mightily unto the Lord that she might be with child, saying, "Wouldst I
would be with child, oh Lord!" And the Lord looked favorably upon her use
of the word "wouldst" and she became pregnant and did bear a son, Joseph.
And Jacob and his family took this time to leave Laban, establishing for
posterity the notion that living with one's in-laws, while cheap, is too
annoying...
...And Jacob was worried that Esau still wanted to kill him. And Jacob sent
Esau many presents and several Hallmark cards bearing poems. And Jacob did
pray unto G-d. And an angel did descend from the heavens and did commence
to wrestle with Jacob. And Jacob did clobber the angel, though lo, the
angel did get in one good jab at his thigh. And the angel did change
Jacob's name to Israel for he had striven with both human and divine beings
and had prevailed (which is what Israel means). And dawn did come and
Israel did meet with Esau in peace. And no one is really clear on who this
Dawn character is...
...And Jacob was dwelling in the land of Canaan, in a province whose
mayor's name was Hamor (which, as providence would have it, means donkey in
Hebrew). Hamor's son, Shechem, did rape Jacob's daughter, Dinah and did ask
Hamor to arrange a marriage between himself and Dinah. And so Hamor did
approach Jacob, saying, "Have I got the perfect match for your daughter,"
and, speaking further, "What say all of your progeny wed from the daughters
of the land?" And Simeon and Levi agreed, as long as all the men wouldst
circumcise themselves. And the men didst circumsize themselves and lo, due
to the bad angle, they did horrendous jobs, and from then on it was decided
throughout the land that circumcisions must be performed by someone other
than the party involved. And on the third day, when the men were in more
pain than even giving birth to an elephant while eating molten lead with
chopsticks, Simeon and Levi killed all the males of the city, especially
Shechem and Hamor. (Don't ask how you especially kill someone)...
...And Jacob and his family continued to journey homeward and Jacob stopped
in Beth El and there did G-d speak to him, saying, "All that the angel said
shall be true. Ye shall be called Israel and I shall protect you always, I
am the Lord your G-d. Your descendants shall inherit this land Canaan, and
shall call it Israel, except for the northernmost part, which shall some
day be called Syria." And leaving Beth El, they journeyed to Bethlehem
where Rachel died in labor. But her son, Benjamin, did not die, and he was
the last of Jacob's 12 sons...
...Now of all his sons, Jacob loved Joseph the most. And Jacob made Joseph
an amazing technicolor dreamcoat. And the brothers did become seethingly
jealous. And Joseph did further damage his relationship with them, for lo,
he had dreams at night, and he would tell them to his brothers. And Joseph
dreamt that his brother's were 11 sheaves of corn, which bowed down to a
bigger sheaf. And Joseph dreamt that the sun, the moon and 11 stars did bow
down to him and these too were his family. And it did not take Freud and
Jung to interpret the dreams, which was fortunate as they would not be born
for thousands of years...
...And although the dreams represented truth, this did not deter his
brothers from despising him and hiding his yo-yo and putting ants down his
loincloth. And lo, their jealousy became greater and when they were out in
the field, the brothers did throw Joseph in a pit, where he would languish
until death. And Joseph did shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" but
there was no-one to release him. But lo, there passed a wandering band of
Ishmaelites, and the brothers retrieved him from the pit and sold Joseph to
them to be their drummer, for they were not really a good band and did not
realize that percussion was not Joseph's strong point. And the brothers did
tear Joseph's coat asunder and did taint it with goat's blood, and did
bring it unto Jacob saying, "Look what has become of our grumble mumble
brother Joseph." And Jacob did reply, "Ugh," and did faint...
...And Judah did seg into a subplot and marry the daughter of Shua, a
Canaanite. And Judah had 3 sons, Er, Um and Ahem. And Um and Ahem were
nicknamed Onan and Shelah, for when Judah spoke to them, it was as if he
were merely clearing his throat. And Er married Tamar, a woman. He died.
And Judah said unto Um (Onan) "Go forth and marry Tamar for she should not
be a widow nor should she be childless." And Onan said unto Judah, his
father, "Grumble brumble," and did make plans for the wedding. But Onan
refused to impregnate Tamar and G-d's anger was great against Onan and he
did smite Onan unto death for it was not right to waste human seed. And
Judah said unto Tamar, "Thou knowest what they say, third times the charm,"
and Tamar did consent to wait for Shelah to grow unto manhood and by and
by, Judah's wife did die, and Shelah did grow into manhood. And Judah did
not give him unto Tamar for a husband, fearing that she was a jinx. And G-d
did come unto Tamar in a prophesy, saying, "The Messiah shall come from you
and a member of the house of Judah" (Midrash). And Tamar did take matters
into her own hands. And she did don stiletto heals and a leather skirt and
much mascara and fishnets, and she did stand at a well-travelled fork in
the road. And Judah did come upon the fork in the road and, not recognizing
the woman as his daughter-in-law, did cohabit with Tamar. And Judah gave
Tamar his seal, his chord, and his staff as collateral until he could
return and pay her. And in 3 months time, the widow Tamar was found to be
the size of a small Chevrolet, for she was indeed pregnant. And Judah said,
"She is a depraved sinner, and should receive the most severe punishment;
Let her watch old Howard Cossell footage until she is nigh unto death and
then let her watch some more." And Tamar said, "The man who owns this seal
cord and staff is the father." And Judah realized that he had impregnated
his own daughter-in-law, absolved her, and tooketh the blame on himself...
...Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ishmaelites had taken Joseph unto
Egypt and had traded him unto Potiphar. And Potiphar's wife did draw nigh
unto Joseph, and did drop her hanky, saying, "Oh my, I have dropped my
hanky. Whatever shall I do?" and did make goo goo eyes at Joseph. And
Joseph's visage did commence to turn crimson and he did flee and Potiphar's
wife was frustrated and embarrassed, and spread rumors that it was Joseph
who was coming on to her. And Potiphar did throw Joseph in jail. And Joseph
did meet the baker and the butler of the Pharoah both. And the butler did
dream and did tell Joseph his dream, saying that he had seen himself giving
of wine to Pharaoh. And Joseph predicted that he would - get this - wait on
Pharaoh again. And the baker described a basket of bread perched on his
head, being eaten by swooping birds. And Joseph suggested that he smoke one
last cigarette and call a priest. And lo, Joseph's interpretations were
correct, and as the butler was leaving for his return to palace, Joseph
bade the butler make mention of his case unto Pharaoh. But lo, the butler
didst forget Joseph entirely, sending not so much as a greeting card around
the holidays...
...And Pharoah had two dreams and no one to interpret them. Suffice it to
say that there were seven skinny cows eating seven fat cows - and staying
skinny like unto the Slimfast diet plan, and seven decrepit ears of corn
eating seven lovely ones and also staying
Comments
What's a genius?
An average student with a Jewish mother.
Comments
Gentile Jokes
A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket.
How much is it?"
The salesman says: "It's $500."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you 're expecting me for
dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says: "OK."
Two Gentiles meet on the street.
The first one says, "You own your
own business, don't you? How's it doing?"
The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."
Comments
Gifts for Momma
Three sons of a Yiddishe Momma left their homeland, went abroad
and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give
their old mother.
Avraham, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
David, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys
reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a
remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. Momma just has to
name the chapter and verse."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"Avraham", she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only
in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Moishe", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has
shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas."
"But David", she said, "the chicken was DELICIOUS!"
Comments
JCN's Top 12 Rudolph Giuliani gestures to please Jewish voters
Inducts NYPD policemen on Mount Massada
Changes name to Rudy Golan
Recognizes Likud as the legitimate representative of the Israeli
people
Suspends alternate side of the street parking for Tu Bishvat
Promises job of schools chancellor to Shas, the ultra-Orthodox
Israeli party
Renames Washington Square to Baruch Goldstein Square (corner of
Waverly and Kahane)
Poses nude for Tikkun magazine
Dips the Big Apple in honey in Times Square on New Year's Eve
Institutes mandatory moment of kvetching in Public Schools
Changes name of city to Nu York
Bans Wagner from Lincoln Center concerts
Refuses to shake wife's hand because she's married to a gentile
The JCN Top 12 List is a regular feature of the Jewish Communication
Network, http://www.jcn18.com. Circulating this list without attribution and
our URL deprives your friends of the chance to sample our humor for themselves.
Comments
G'lilah
True story: Yesterday in shul a young mother volunterred for g'lilah.
When it was time, they called for the gollelet to come forward. Embarassed,
she responded from her seat on the floor,"Sorry, I've got a sleeping baby on
my lap. . . Could someone else possibly do the honor?"
To which someone else in the congregation called out, "Do we have a spare
tire [tie-er] here?!"
Comments
Grandpa's Pretzels
We were at the mall the other day, and grandma wanted
a pretzel.
But grandpa was outraged at the price. "When I was a
young, we could get two pretzels for a nickel!"
Grandma told him, "When YOU were young, they hadn't
invented pretzels yet! You must be thinking of matzoh."
Comments
Go Figure
A young man asks the rabbi about who is truly a wise man.
The rabbi says:
"Any dummy can be right 50% of the time. A wise man is right
60% of the time. Rabbi Rosenberg from Bialystok was right 75%
of the time. However, if someone is right 90% of the time,
it is very suspicious, and if someone is right 100% of the
time, he must be a bad, violent criminal man, and you should
avoid him like a plague".
Comments
Golda Meir's Troubles
When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were.
"I have many problems," she replied.
Nixon said, "Why? You are the President of 8 million, while I am the
President of 180 million."
To which she replied,
"You are the President of 180 million people, while I am the President
of 8 million Presidents."
Comments
Golf Club
Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he
orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club
with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door
unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the
driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!
Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."
His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you
out immediately!"
Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he
leaves for the gate.
So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours...
Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by
two body-builder type guardsmen.
The driver asks: "What happened?"
Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number
eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I
shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters
separated and everybody knew..."
Comments
For Whom the Bell Tolls
About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a chapel
with wonderful sounding chimes. These very chimes had called parishoners
to service for many, many years. One wintery night there was a heavy
lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of lightening struck
the bells.
The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells. They
could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he knew of
a smith in a nearbye town. The only problem was that the smith was
Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work. They decided to let
the Jewish smith repair their bell. They lowered the bell into the cart
and had the ox pull the cart to the town. They introduced themselves
and identified the problem.
The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem!" Come back in a week and I
shall have your bell looking like new. A week had passed, the priests
returned and were shown their bell. It was beautiful! It looked as
good as new. The priests paid the man, put the bell back onto the cart,
took it to the church and with some help they hoisted the bell to the top
of the tower. It now joined the other bell that was still there.
The priests waited until Sunday to ring the repaired bell. Early in
the morning, it was time to summon the parishoners to prayers so one of
the priest took up the rope to the bells and began ringing the bells.
It was a beautiful morning and slightly cool in the air and throughout
the country side rang the beautiful sound of the bells ...
Goyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm.
Comments
Goyshe Kopp
After forty years of pious observance, the old man had had it. He told his
wife, "I’m tired of getting up early every morning to put on tefillin and say
the same prayers. I’m not going to do it any more. I’m going to turn
Catholic."
True to his word, he contacted a priest and began taking instruction in the
Catholic faith. After several months, he did indeed become a Catholic.
Next morning, as he always did, he got up early and automatically began to
put on his tefillin. "What are you doing?" asked his wife. "I thought you
turned Catholic so you wouldn’t have to do that any more."
"Oy!" cried the old fellow, smacking himself in the head, "goyshe kopp!"
Comments
G-d Sues Studio Over Movie Adaptation
By Tim
Casady
June 23, 1999. G-d has announced a lawsuit against Diznee Studios.
The lawsuit concerns the movie adaptation of Mr. G-d's seminal work,
"The Holy Bible." Until the case goes to trial, G-d seeks a court
injunction barring the movie from being released.
Samuel Dallas, a lawyer representing Mr. G-d said, "My client's
creative control over the work has been blatantly disregarded. My
client's wishes were that 'not one word may be changed' in the
adaptation from book to movie format."
Sandra Cummings, a spokesperson for Diznee Studios, defends Diznee's
adaptation. "The original manuscript had gratuitous sex scenes that
were unsuitable for family viewing. Diznee Studios makes movies for the
whole family. It is our standard practice therefore to edit out any sex
scenes from our screenplays."
Mr. Dallas charges, "This is censorship, pure and simple! My client's
manuscript has been mangled at the hands of this studio." But Ms.
Cummings replies, "Mr. G-d fails to understand the nature of our
business. Our right to revise the screen play as necessary was clearly
spelled out in our contract."
Michael Meckels, a movie critic who saw an advanced preview, offered
this insight. "Right from the movie's opening scenes, you know
something is wrong. Consider the original book. Adam and Eve started
off naked, then they started playing with fruit, and suddenly they had
to go have sex. Classic risqué humor. But look at the movie. Adam and
Eve are never naked. They eat rye bagels rather than kinky fruit. They
never have sex. They get their children Cain and Abel from an
orphanage."
George Williams, another movie critic, offers a different perspective.
"A must-see movie! I applaud the changes that Diznee made to the
script. In the original book, King Solomon had a bunch of women who
lived in his immoral harem. Filthy. But in the new, improved
screenplay, King Solomon is a wise bachelor who doesn't sleep around.
We need more 'family values' movies like this one!"
Walt Wilks, defense attorney for Diznee says, "Mr. G-d's lawsuit is
baseless. The judge will throw this case out of court." Asked why he
is so confident against a plaintiff as influential as G-d, Wilks
smiles calmly. "If we believe His claims, He is omniscient. Thus, He
knew from the beginning of time how Diznee would handle the screenplay.
The fact that He decided to go with Diznee anyway signifies that He
endorsed Diznee's handling."
G-d could not be reached for comment.
Comments
Guidance From Above
A man prays for guidance:
"Oh G-d -- What should I do with my life?
What do you expect of me?
What will happen to me after I die?
What is the meaning of life?"
For a while, Creation is silent.
Then a booming voice, sounding severely impatient,
shouts from heaven: "READ -- THE -- F A Q !"
Comments
Bush's Burning Question
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white
robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a
staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."
George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, "The last
time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."
Comments
Henry Ford's Compromise
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh
Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry
Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a
remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry. "
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept
his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to
enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please
step inside Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees
in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push
the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air
started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the
automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And
there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air
Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name'
next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and
one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever
emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those
three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: HI --
NORM -- MAX.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drasha, Copyright (c) 1997 by Rabbi M. Kamenetzky and Project Genesis, Inc.
Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky is the Rosh Mesivta at Mesivta Ateres Yaakov,
the High School Division of Yeshiva of South Shore.
This list is part of Project Genesis, the Jewish Learning Network.
Permission is granted to redistribute electronically or on paper,
provided that this notice is included intact.
For information on subscriptions, archives, and other Project Genesis
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Comments
Hadassah in the Afterlife
A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily
dispatched to heaven. On their arival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let
them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would
just have to wait.
At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if
they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the
computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new
temporary quarters.
A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells
him that he must take the Hadassah woman off his hands. "What's the problem?"
G-d asks.
Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down
here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air
conditioning system."
Comments
Haikus for Jews
from Haikus
for Jews by David Bader
Jewish triathlon --
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.
The frost-withered fields
flecked with white chrysanthemums --
Bubbeleh, your scarf.
Shatner and Nimoy
observing Shabbos -- "Scotty,
beam up a minyan."
Shedding its wet skin,
the spritzing seltzer bubble
becomes a Buddha.
SJF seeking
eternal soul mate -- must be
a professional.
Like a bonsai tree,
your terrible posture at
my dinner table.
Lonely mantra of
the Buddhist monk -- "They never
call, they never write."
Sorry I'm not home
to take your call. At the tone
please state your bad news.
In the ice sculpture
reflected bar mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.
The sparkling blue sea
beckons me to wait one hour
after my sandwich.
Cherry blossoms bloom.
Sure, it's beautiful, but is
it good for the Jews?
Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Monarch butterfly,
I know your name used to be
Caterpillarstein.
Five thousand years a
wandering people -- then we
found the cabanas.
Comments
Half Jewish
My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with
a son on the way.
The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday,
during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear,
"Can we go home now?"
"Not yet", replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."
"We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish."
Comments
The Mideast Solution
There is a solution to the mideast terrorism problem.
Somebody has to convince Hamas that the only way to have an
effective suicide bombing is with the full participation
of the membership.
Comments
Hard Times
During the Depression years of the 30's, when unemployment
zoomed out-of-control, the French Premier decided to give
all workers an extra day off to solve the problem, so Monday
was included in the week-end.
The French said: "This is great!
First Moses gave us Saturday.
Then Jesus gave us Sunday.
The Premier has given us Monday.
All we need is four more Jews."
Comments
Hassid in Birmingham
A Hassidic Jew from New York decides to try his luck in Birmingham,
Alabama. When he gets off the bus in Birmingham he notices that
all the kids are staring at him.
Not being used to being stared at,
he find this a bit unnerving so he turns to the kids and says,
"Watsa mattah? You nevah saw a Yhankee before?"
Comments
Wedding Announcement
as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor
When the nineteenth century Hasidic rebbe Levi Yizchak of Berditchev
sent out invitations to his son's wedding, he wrote that it would
take place in Jerusalem on such-and-such a date and time, but
"if, G-d forbid, the Messiah has not yet arrived, then the wedding
will be held on the same date and time here in Berditchev."
Comments
Hawaii or Havaii
A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in
an argument, though...
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.
"Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's
pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband
abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that
we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I.
Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you
never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As the began to walk
away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!!!"
Comments
Q: Why must a hazan (singer of a synagogue) be married?
A: So that his cries are authentic.
Comments
Phone Call for the Rabbi
A congregant calls his synagogue office, the receptionist answers the
phone, and he says "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"
She says "I am sorry but the Rabbi no longer works at this synagogue!"
He says, "Oh! I am sorry, I didn't know" and hangs up.
Next day he calls again, "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"
The receptionist tells him "Didn't I speak with you yesterday, the Rabbi
no longer works at this synagogue".
He again says "oh, ok" and hangs up.
This goes on for another week and he calls again and asks to speak with
the Rabbi. She Responds "Look didn't I tell you yesterday and the day
before, the Rabbi no longer works here, what part of it don't you
understand?"
He says "I know, I just like hearing it"...
Comments
Heavenly Memo
Memo to HaShem
From Gabriel HaMalach
On behalf of the Senior Management Group (SMG) and all the angels
in head office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh
Hashanah preparations as well as to provide you with our annual world
reports as per the SMG's performance contract.
Let me assure you that all preparations have been completed as
per your directions. The tshuvah committee in the Chosen People division
have been working quite hard to make this our best Rosh Hashanah ever.
Numerous improvements have been made since last year. All individual
appointments with you have been scheduled, including both your human and
heavenly subjects. Please do your best to keep to the schedule. To
better assist you, all personal files have been opened, and 5759
forecasts have been drafted for all of your human subjects, although they
may be revised at your discretion, should penitents achieve the
appropriate tshuvah thresholds (see tshuvah manual, policy 0202-04). Two
tanker trucks full of Din and Rachmonis are ready for your use as you see
fit. The Book of Judgment's software has been upgraded and Avraham
Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerable more RAM. We are ready
to assist as you require, subject to the work breaks stipulated in our
Collective Agreement. We have again hired Leviathan Caterers for your
annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, they are under your Kashrut
supervision.
Turning to the state of the world: as you know (of course), things
were extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to
stress that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form,
responsible for the following items this past year: the collapse of the
Russian ruble and banking system; world-wide stock market meltdowns;
delays in the Middle East peace process; the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr
episode; the movie "Spiceworld"; the return of bell-bottoms and the
Volkswagen Beetle; the entire Swiss Bank scandal; the Quebec secession
debate; the falling Canadian dollar; the Asian economic failure; America
OnLine; the Y2K Bug; Cuba; Iraq; North Korea; Bosnia; or Libya. These
are, of course, the sole jurisdiction of Chaos
Incorporated, our offshore competitor. As for the functioning of
your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to report that all divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, your Chosen People division
reports a record number of simchot and conversions, but regrets that
intermarriage is also way up. A special task force has been struck to
investigate.
The mitzvah department reports substantial growth in activity,
while unfortunately, the Aveiros department also reports substantial
growth. The Moshiach preparation department is extremely pleased to
report that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As
in every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval
and fiscal resourcing. Malach Resources division reports that a strike of
the Angels' union was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation
of the collective agreement.
As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work weeks
and 10 more minutes in Olam Habah, plus three weeks vacation, not to be
taken during yamim tovim. Of particular note is the early retirement of
the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long term disability
benefits due to wear and tear, which she attributes to the inflationary
pressure of payments and the conversion of many currencies from paper to
coins. We will be recruiting for her replacement shortly. The business
and accounting division reports a balanced budget, yet again, through the introduction of initiation and building fund fees for our newest members.
This was necessary to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments
for children's teeth.
In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We
seek your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or
proper supervision, and look forward to the coming year in serving you
with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah.
Comments
Hebrew Bugs
Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner
and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers
and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.
The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I
was a wasp."
Comments
Jewish English or "Hebonics
The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are
some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples
of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.
Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:
Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."
The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking"
becomes "valking"
"R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually
impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining" "algheady"
Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics:
Questions are always answered with questions:
e.g. Question: "How do you feel?"
Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun
has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used
for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains", turtle becomes
"shmurtle"
Sample Usage Comparisons:
Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase
"He walks slow" "Like a fly in the ointment he
walks"
"You're sexy" (unknown concept)
"Sorry, i do not know the time" "What do I look like, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out for the best" "You should BE so lucky"
"Anything can happen" "It's never so bad, it can get
worse"
Comments
Israeli Archaeological Discovery
A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came
upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings.
The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a
highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for
companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol
resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help
them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine
that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to
the sea for food.
The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the
President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full
agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is
quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from
left to right, but from right to left......
Now, look again..... It now says :
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A** ON THAT BITCH!"
Comments
It's All In the Bible
Q. Where is an American automobile mentioned in the Bible?
A. Num. 31:1 - vayishb mimmenu Chevy.
Q. Where is a flat tire mentioned in the Bible?
A. Ps. 146:7 - tetze' rucho yashuv le-'admato
Q. Where is the State Lottery mentioned in the Bible?
A. Ps. 91:7-8 - Yippol mitzidkha 'elef urevavah miyminekha,
'elekha lo yiggash.
Raq be-'eynekha tabbit veshilummat resha'im tir'eh.
Comments
The Hebrew Geek Code
Version 2.1
by Robert Kaiser
Amaze your friends and family! Communicate volumes of information
about yourself with just a few letters! Give information to those
in the know, without anyone else being able to understand! All
this and more is possible when you use this list to create your own
Hebrew Geek Code (HGC), which you then put in your .sig file.
Have fun. Permission is granted to spread this everywhere, as
long as credit is given.
Example Hebrew Geek Code:
S+++ K++ TM M H+ T t SY+= & SY+++ M AT++ Te+/Te++ SC
-------------------------------------------------------
Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
A/B Means ranging from A to B
-------------------------------------------------------
Shabbat Observance
S--- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
S-- Of course. Every Sunday!
S- Not at all, or, "Shabbat - What's that?"
S Reform
S+ Conservative, will drive to shul
S++ Traditional, Orthodox
S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat
Family Fa-- Intermarried - I sure do love Xmas!
Fa- Intermarried - but the children will
be raised Jewish
Fa.n/a Not applicable. I'm homosexual.
Fa.gm I'm gay AND I'm married.
Fa1 Not married - Single
Fa+ I married a Jew.
Fa++ I married more than two wives
at once. [Only applicable for
Yemenite Jews. Sorry :) ]
,c=# Where # represents the number of
children you have. Default = 0.
Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5
Tohorot Mishpacha TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't
(Family Purity) apply
TM- I'm a pagan
TM I'm mostly following the rules
TM+ Orthodox
TM++ My wife and I have separate houses
Moshiach M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the
Good Word?
M- Don't believe in it.
M Could be
M+ I believe with perfect faith...
M++ We want Moshiach now!
M+++ Watching the Rebbe's grave.
M++++ I am Moshiach
Kashrut K-- I only eat at McDonald's.
Also: What's kashrut?
K- Jewish in identity, not in practice.
Likely to eat ham and cheese, but
will say a bracha afterwards
K Very liberal kosher. Won't eat any Torah
forbiden species, won't mix milk and
meat. Will eat eat meat of a permitted
animal, even it not proeprly slaughtered.
K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed.
Two sets of dishes, etc. Add appropriate
strictures as necessary. If no codes are
added, lenient options are default for K+
K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative,
but unless codes are added, the stricter
options are assumed for k++
K+++ Satmar or Meshugge kosher.
ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
me Glatt not necessary.
mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
mi Will drink regular milk.
ge+ Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
unless with an Orthodox hechsher.
ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
Considered pareve.
wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
wi Will drink without a hechsher.
Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+
Hebrew Language H- Is 'Jewish' a language?
H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
H+ I even took it in college.
H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me'od, nu?
Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.
Talmud Knowledge T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance.
(Note: This category is especially useful for
apostates like Torquemada.)
T-- I'm a Karaite
T- Is that like Torah?
T Studied in Hebrew school
T+ Studied in college, competent to argue.
T++ Talmud Chochem
T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta.
Tribe: t Israel
t+ Levi
t++ Cohen
t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
t? Not sure (be real - this is most of us!)
How often do I AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
Attend shul? AT- Only for other people's weddings.
AT Regularly! Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom
Kippur, and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three
festivals), and occasional shabbats.
AT++ I go on Shabbat.
AT+++ And I lay Tefillin on weekdays
AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a
restraining order to keep me away!
What type of SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
synagogue do SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
I go to? -SY I don't go to shul
SY0 Reconstructionist
SY Reform
SY+ Conservative (whatever that means)
SY+= Conservative egalitarian
SYCh Chavura
SY++ UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative
SY+++ Orthodox
SY+++M Modern Orthodox
SY+++Y Yeshiva Litvak Right wing
SY+++C Chassidic
You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown below. If you go to
a shul that is different that your background, then just add a
comma after the shul type, and then add the background code. If
you don't put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
Nusach (What type of Jew am I? )
A Ashkenazi
Az Nusach HaAri
(This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is really a
Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.)
SE Sephardic (European)
S Sephardic (North African, Middle East)
SY Sephardic (Yementite)
ET Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
SI B'nai Yisrael (India)
Examples: SY+ SY+/A SY+/A,SE SY+,SE
Tefillin Te- What's that? Is it good to eat?
Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
Te++ Every day, or almost every day.
I'm a mensch! :)
Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them
off soon, they'll have to amputate.
Te.n/a Not applicable, I'm a woman.
Te!a Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for
women! Rashi's daughters wore them!
(For this, add appropriate + or - )
Shabbat Candles SC- I don't use matches. Only you can
prevent forest fires.
SC Been there, done that.
SC+ Every Shabbat.
SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they
will last longer.
SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
Add a 'W' for "My wife does that"
Example: SCW+, SCW ...
Festival Observance:
FO--- Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
FO-- Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
FO- Secular home
FO Somewhat Traditional - add the following
qualifiers as required:
s Go to a seder
m Light the menorah.
p Make noise and drink on Purim.
t Dance on Simchat Torah
su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
sL Can LEAD a Seder :)
co Count the Omer
hh Go to High Holiday services.
FO+ Full Observance - Reform
FO++ Full Observance - Conservative
and Traditional/Non-egalitarian
FO++= Same as above, but egalitarian.
FO+++ Strict Orthodox observance
FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but Israel Independence
Day, since Moshiach is not yet here.
Davening (praying) ability
D-- I daven Gospel.
D- What's davening?
D I know when to stand, sit and bow.
D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart,
and can somehow make it through most of the rest.
D++ I can lead services
D+++ I can also read Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time
Pesach (Passover)
P--- Happy Easter!
P-- Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud!
P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly.
PC Everything except for the part about "Pour out
thy wrath"
P+ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
P++ I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in
with that arson category of Shabbos candles).
Tzedakah
Tz- I'm a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar?
Tz I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
Tz+ I actually notice when I give.
Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, UW, or SPCA, anything
but the PLO.
Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. :)
Tz++++ I'm a Rothschild
Egalitarianism Factor
E-- Don't touch that with your bare hands, it's a female!
E- uh...if a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome
with lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate
on his prayers...
E OK, OK, LET them wear tefillin and have women's prayer
groups, just keep them behind the mechitza! But they
don't count in a minyan.
E+ Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila
Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans.
E++ Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can
count in a minyan.
E+++ I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi /
I married a woman Rabbi.
E++++ I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.
Lashon Hora Factor
L----- I am Ricki Lake; Lashon Hora is my job.
L---- I am a talk show host.
L--- I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
a true weenie in front of millions of people.
L-- I write for check-out counter tabloids.
L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
someone who does!
L If you don't have something nice to say, than
don't say it.
L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard
Your tounge". A true mensch.
L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his
books, his commentaries, and the new interactive
CD-ROM.
L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium
debacle. A tzaddik.
(Note: People who choose this last option are
high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)
E-mail me additions that you think would be good
to kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu.
They might end up in the next version.
By Robert D. Kaiser (kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu)
with contributions from
Michael Turniansky (mt0013@epfl2.epflbalto.org)
Jonathan and Woody Anna Dresner (dresner@ccy.yamaguchi-u.ac.jp)
Wendy Morrison (HMTRAD@aol.com)
Yatzliakh Yisrael Abrahami (Yatz@intxtdoc.demon.co.uk)
Aaron Gross (aaron.g@ix.netcom.com)
Comments
Hebrew Phraseology???
by Alan Stillson
What would happen if one letter were changed in a loosely transliterated
Hebrew phrase? How would it change the meaning?
Slalom aleichem - greetings, all you Jewish skiers.
Am yisrael chat - the nation of Israel is engaged in conversation.
Char gadya - we'll have barbecued goat for Passover dinner.
Maoz tzar - the president of Russia will light candles this Chanukah.
Davis melech yisrael - the new king of Israel is thinking about
reestablishing the Jewish state in Oakland, CA.
Bum gali gali - the farmers are now too lazy to work.
Shea yisrael - the Mets are planning their first exhibition game in
Israel.
Java nagila - they're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.
Lo yissa goo - I thank G-d for not being born a blob.
Pa nishtana - the kids are too young to ask the four questions, so Dad
has to do it.
Tee chamocha - what golfer is like unto Tiger Woods?
LA tovu - how goodly are the tents of Los Angeles?
Shalom rag - peace to all our congregation members in the garment
business.
Key mitzion - the torah has been locked up.
Ham tzfardaya - Pharaoh wished he had a French chef.
Boray prez hagafen - let's toast the chief executive.
Al naharot bagel - we'll see if Babylonian cream cheese and lox is good.
Yerushalayim shed zahav - it's the most expensive storage container in
Jerusalem.
Nes gadol Maya sham - there was another great miracle in ancient Central
America.
Hamotzi lechem fin haaretz - a blessing for a tuna sandwich.
Chanukah lattes - strong coffee to go with strong potato pancakes.
Car mitzvah - if only the legal driving age were 13.
Chug gadol hayehudim - drink your beer fast while reading the Megillah.
Simchat torch - the Israeli Olympics will start after the high holidays.
Vianachnu … modem - we'll download the words to "Aleinu L'shabeach."
Comments
Hebrew School Musical Celebration
The local Hebrew School decided to observe Israel's 50th anniversary with
a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the
neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they
thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some
home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet
wine.
There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical
performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a
tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of
"Hatikvah" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man
seated next to her also had tears running down his face. "Isn't it
wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried
on by the next generation!"
"I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."
"So why the tears?"
"I'm a musician."
Comments
Henny Youngman
1906-1998
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made
chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I
park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He
said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
Comments
IN THE BEGINNING, G-D CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental inpact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, G-d appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the
earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep."
Then G-d said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
Pollution? G-d explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
fire.
Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
from the burning; 2) a seperate burning permit would be required; and
3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
dark half of the time. So G-d agreed to divide the Light and the
Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, G-d said, "Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of
double talk, but the Council tabled action since G-d would have to
first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land
Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits from
the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and G-d
said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed
would be used. About future development G-d also said, "Let the waters
bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action
since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission
coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audobonangelic Society.
It then appeared the everything was in order until G-d stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the
question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and enviromental impact statement, and then there would be
public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would
be granted.
G-d said, "To Hell with it!"
Comments
The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
by Paul Root Wolpe, Ph.D
University of Pennsylvania
At Hanukah or Purim in universities all over the country, academics
are invited to take part in the annual "Latkes vs. Hamantash Debate."
The purpose of the debate is to argue about which is the archtypical
Jewish food, Latkes or Hamantash. When invited to participate a
couple of years ago, I took my mandate very seriously. The job of
the sociologist is, after all, to uncover the hidden, to make
problematic the obvious, to explore the unexamined assumptions
underlying social convention. Therefore, after pondering the question
deeply for ten or fifteen minutes, I determined that a fundamental
flaw has been made in the choices of cuisine offered. Any true
historian of Jewish cuisine knows that neither the latke nor the
hamantash is the true, primordial, undisputed champion of Jewish
cuisine. No, there is a food more basic by far.
At first, foods like latkas, or hamantash, or matzo, for that matter,
come to mind. But why? We only eat these foods on particular holidays,
once a year. How can they be basic?
How about the three Ks -- kreplach, kishka, and knishes? maybe once,
but today we forswear them -- too much cholesterol.
Chulent, tsimmes or schmaltz? Too fatty.
A bagel with a shmear? That is almost as good as its gets, but there
is one better.
No, if we are what we eat, there is only one food that Jews have eaten
throughout time, and which sustained us through our most difficult
periods. The one food to which we owe our very nationhood.
And that food is: herring.
Yes, herring. Jews, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, are from the
Mediterranean basin, and there is not a country that borders on that
great sea -- European, Asian or African -- that does not eat herring.
In Northern Africa, Western Europe, and Eastern Europe it sustained us,
and if the oneg shabbat at my synagogue is any indication, it sustains
us still.
I remember the first time I encountered herring. I was about five years
old, sitting on my Zayde's knee. It was a Shabbat morning in Cambridge,
Mass, and my Zayde was having his usual breakfast before Shul: Some
herring in cream sauce on leftover challah, with a seltzer water chaser
sprayed into his glass from a bottle. He lovingly spread the herring
on the Challah, making sure to get plenty of cream sauce and onion, and
when he put it into his mouth, a little dribbled down his chin, which
he wiped with a finger and licked clean. I'll never forget that moment:
sitting there on Shabbat morning, secure in my Zayde's arms, watching
him eat that herring, I thought to myself: That's disgusting! That's
the most revolting thing I ever saw in my life! I'd sooner eat chopped
liver! Little did I understand at that point the central place of
herring in Jewish history and culture.
Let us turn to the sacred texts. Herring has always been at the center
of great debate among rabbis and scholars in the Talmud. Take, for
example, the eternal herring conflict: Herring in wine sauce, or
herring in cream sauce? Shammai took cream sauce, Hillel wine sauce,
and it was the subject of some of their most passionate debates. In
fact, it was during just such a debate that Hillel pushed some herring
in wine sauce at Shammai, encouraging him to try it. Shammai,
recognizing that the debate would never be settled, cried out the
traditional phrase used in the Talmud to indicate an argument is a
draw: "taku!" he exclaimed. "You're velcome!" replied Hillel.
Herring also was prominently featured at another dramatic debate between
the two men. In the greatest fish story of the Bible, Jonah is
swallowed, as you will recall, not by a whale, but by a dag gadol, a
big fish. Hillel insisted that the fish was a herring. Shammai, on the
other hand, insisted that it was a sturgeon. Hillel made a passionate
plea for the herring, noting for example, that the lowly sardine is in
the herring family, while from sturgeon we get that most expensive of
foods, caviar, and since Jonah was simple man of the people, God would
not have sent a sturgeon to swallow him. Hillel almost had the rabbis
won over, when Shammai produced a fisherman holding a typical, 12 inch
herring. "Could this have swallowed Jonah?" he asked incredulously.
Then, in one of the most dramatic moments in the entire Talmud, Shammai
flung open a curtain, behind which was a 20 foot, 2,000 pound sturgeon.
"This could have swallowed Jonah!" he proclaimed, to the applause of
the Rishonim (the Achronim were late, as usual). It seemed Hillel was
sunk. However, never underestimate Hilllel, the man who said "If I am
not for myself, who will be for me?" and convinced others that this was
profound. He casually plucked a grape from a nearby fruit basket, and,
holding it up for all to see, asked in a meek voice. "You see this
grape? It is a tiny thing. A simple man could carry hundreds of
grapes." His voice began to get louder. "Yet the Torah tells us that
when Joshua sent spies into the land of Canaan, it took two of them to
carry back a single cluster of grapes. How big were those grapes? The
size of an olive? Hardly. The size an etrog, perhaps? No, even more,
even more." Now Hillel was shouting. "They were undoubtedly at least
the size of Shammai's head! And if the Ribbono Shel Olam could make a
grape the size of Shammai's head, he could make a herring the size of a
sturgeon!" Rashi comments that, shaken by this defeat at the hands of
the master, Shammai retired to Natanya and opened a shwarma stand.
The Torah itself often speaks of herring. Note this excerpt from Song
of Songs, the famous passage known as the "Psalm of Psolomon the
Pseaman":
"I cast my net over the waters, and the catch is good.
Yea, my lovers' lips are like twin herrings,
pan-fried and drizzled with lemon butter.
I will serve them on endive leaves;
I will garnish them with goat's cheese and sprigs of parsley.
Verily will I feast upon them,
first carefully removing the bones."
Who can forget how herring saved the entire Jewish population of Albania?
It was over 500 years ago when Zog, the King of Albania, decreed that --
although some of his best friends were Jewish -- all adult Jewish males
in Albania would have to have their foreskins reattached. The head
Rabbi of Albania, knowing the King's claim that he could solve any
riddle, made an offer: he would tell the King a riddle, and if the
King could not answer it, the decree would be revoked. The King agreed.
The Rabbi asked that famous Jewish riddle: "What is purple, hangs on a
wall, and whistles?"
The King retired to his chambers for six days and six nights, but he
could not solve the riddle. Finally, in exasperation, he summoned the
rabbi and admitted: "I cannot answer the question. What IS purple,
hangs on a wall, and whistles?"
The rabbi replied: "A herring, of course."
"A herring?!" shouted the King. "A herring isn't purple!"
"Nu, so this one was painted purple." replied the rabbi.
"But a herring doesn't hang on the wall!" said the King.
"Nu, so someone hung THIS one on a wall."
"But herrings can't whistle!"
"So nu, then it didn't whistle." proclaimed the rabbi.
Unable to defeat the logic, the King revoked the decree.
In his monumental, 28-volume work, "Herring and the Jews," the noted
herring expert, Doug Maluach, develops the idea that herring is a
metaphor for Jewish existence, signifying the unity of the Jewish people.
Maluach tells the following tale about how the Ba'al Shem Tov first
became famed in the Jewish community. A rival rabbi, the "Ba'al
Na'alyim Tovim", as he was known, challenged Shem Tov to explain how
Hashem could create Jews of so many different types. How could Hashem
create Sephardim, he asked, who actually ate rice on Passover and talked
funny, making no difference between the letters "Saph" and "Taph"? The
great Hasidic Master commented: "There is herring in cream sauce, and
there is herring in wine sauce; still, the essence of each is herring.
So, too, there are Sephardic Jews, and there are Ashkenazic Jews, yet
the essence of each is their connection to the Torah. The rest is just
sour cream and onions."
Herring's metaphorical properties go deeper than Hasidic anecdotes,
Maluach points out. Herring is pareve; it fits in with any meal, just
as the Jews scattered throughout the world fit into many different
countries. All around the herring are the dangers of the deep -- the
shark, the barracuda, the jet ski. Still they survive. And, like the
Jew, the herring understands the importance of keeping their children
in schools.
Need I go on? Herring and the Jews, the Jews and herring -- it is part
of our souls, not the food of special occasions, not the latka of
Hanukah or the hamantash of Purim, but the Jewish manna, the food that
has sustained us day-to-day. A famous Jewish man, Mel Brooks (all
right, he intermarried, but who are we to judge?), once commented: "We
mock the thing we are to be." And now I find myself, every Shabbat
morning, spreading my herring in cream sauce on challah, and licking
the dribblings from my fingers. My kids absolutely refuse to watch me
eat it. And that, Haverim, is how it should be.
Comments
The Jewish Origin of High Tech
Q: What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the
Computer Age:
A: Hertz Edition
Q: What is the large print copy called?
A: Mega Hertz Edition
Q: What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
A: Mega-lith Edition Chumash
Q: How are they now distributed?
A: As freeware: the five disks of Moses.
Q: What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge
that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
A: "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.
Q: Why do we blow the shofar on the day of rememberance?
A: To recall the original ram memory.
Q: Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
A: Every keyboard has a scroll key.
Q: Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
A: Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been
talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...
Comments
Hilkhot Oreo
Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S.
troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, in-
creasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the
really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change
the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless
we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The
Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commit-
ment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos,
we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications
of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of
rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.
Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and
outcome- based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune
details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain
order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For
example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on
the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and
finally tie the right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are
beyond the ken of the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists
to divine their significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting
decree seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.
This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic
Oreo-eating. Which should come first? A straightforward bite into
the whole cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves
and concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white
represents purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then
perhaps one should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer
hatov triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best
for last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers,
the Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)?
Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all
it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the
intact cookie, representing the real-world mix of good and bad, light
and dark, moderation versus extremism.
A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the
Hebrew form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated
as "my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos
takes on the Ashkenazic pronounciation, it may also be interpreted
Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to favor
the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to check with
your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes the question
of which blessings to say. 'Borei minay mezonos' seems the obvious
choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume the white creme
center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way to go, followed by a
'mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)
Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a
'shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that the
creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's Oreo,
does the 'shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme center
suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the shaylos it
presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust, by exercising
control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having control over us.
Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union has given Jews the
opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing on kosher Oreos, and
raise it to a whole new level of holiness.
We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of
ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the
permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).
Comments
Da' Jewish Vote
Responding to reports that Hillary Rodham Clinton's quest for
a Senate seat from New York improved after it became known that
her stepgrandfather was Jewish, New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has
acknowledged that his second cousin's third wife once rode in a
cab driven by a Jewish driver.
"Rabbi Rudy!" trumpeted the New York Post the next day. The
mayor's favorite tabloid featured a two-page spread on Hizzoner
wearing various yarmulkes, speaking in shuls, and praying at the
Western Wall during a visit to Israel. An editorial proclaimed
that Giuliani, an Italian Catholic, "is just as Jewish in our
book" as Mrs. Clinton, who is Methodist, and expected rival for
the Senate seat "Anyone who disagrees with us," concluded the
editorial, "we'll personally give a smack in the tuchus and
wouldn't that make the mayor proud."
In Washington, political observers scoffed at the effort by New
York politicians to ingratiate themselves with the city's large
Jewish population. "It's blatant pandering and voters see right
through it," said a spokesman for Vice President Al Gore, who
also dropped the news that the presidential hopeful once roomed
in college with a young man whose aunt briefly dated a Jewish
dentist.
"I mention it only because it happens to be true and people are
interested in this kind of information," said the spokesman,
adding that while visiting in New York in early 1991, Gore had
enjoyed a large piece of Halvah .
"That's got to give Al a huge bounce in the polls in New York,"
exclaimed Martin Peretz, publisher of the New Republic and
longtime supporter of the Tennessee Democrat "These attempts by
politicians to appeal to Jewish voters by eating Jewish food and
using Yiddish words is ludicrous," Peretz said, noting that less
than 3 percent of the U.S. population is Jewish. "But Al was over
the house the other night for dinner, and insisted on a corned
beef sandwich and a seltzer. And when I brought it to him, he
said,"ah gezunt af dein keppel."
Former Sen. Bill Bradley, who is competing with Gore for the
Democratic presidential nomination, said he would not stoop to
target his campaign toward Jewish voters, despite the fact that
they go to the polls in disproportionately high numbers.
"Look, I'm a Rhodes scholar," Bradley explained,"and I know that
Jewish people appreciate and admire intellectual achievement, and
they would kvell if they knew my SAT scores or grades at
Princeton. And I also know that Jewish people are obsessed with
knowing which famous people are Jewish, whether it's movie stars
or famous athletes or politicians, but I'm running a different
kind of campaign, and I'm just not going to get into that stuff.
So I won't even comment on the fact that my campaign treasurer's
economics professor at Columbia once used a Jewish accountant.
And it's irrelevant that the accountant's wife belonged to
Hadassah."
Campaigning in Houston, Gov. George W. Bush, the Republican
presidential front-runner, cut short a speech in Spanish to a
largely Hispanic audience to ask directions to the nearest
synagogue.
When asked why, he said he did not want to look like he was
engaging in the reprehensible practice of catering to Jewish
voters, so he could not explain. But he did note a moment later
that "my wife's manicurist's therapist's uncle died this morning
in Brooklyn, and I thought it would be appropriate to stop in to
a synagogue and recite the traditional kiddush."
Later, when asked if he meant the Kaddish prayer recited for the
dead rather than the blessing over wine, Bush appeared annoyed.
"Hey, I know about Jews and all their sensitivities. I read the
Old Testament, I learned plenty in the Holy Land, I visited the
Wailing Wall and saw where our Lord walked. And I kibbutzed
around with folks on a kibbitz. So don't go there."
In New York, the Anti-Defamation League issued a statement
decrying the "growing hysteria among our political leaders to try
to please Jewish voters who are far too sophisticated to fall for
such crass attempts." The ADL called it "reverse anti-Semitism,"
and said if necessary, American Jews will take to the streets to
insist on a society that is fully democratic. "We won't tolerate
anyone, including powerful politicians, being too nice to us,"
said ADL leader Abe Foxman.
Rabbi Avi Weiss of Riverdale announced immediate plans to chain
himself to the next politician who emphasizes his or her Jewish
ties. "It pains me to take action," said the activist rabbi as he
donned his tallit, "but we simply won't take this standing up."
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton issued a statement chastising the
press for creating such a fuss in the first place over the fact
that her grandmother had been married to a Jew. She said any talk
of her leaking this information to improve her standing in the
Jewish community was "absurd."
She then left for Western Maryland with her husband where they
planned to rename their presidential retreat "Camp Star of
David."
Comments
Hillary's Attempt at the Jewish Vote
Did you hear about Hillary's latest attempt to endear herself to
New York Jews?
She went to a service, lit the candles
on the menorah, blew them out and made a wish.
Comments
Hiring a Cleaning Lady
The Goldfarbs had finally made it through hard work, frugal living,
and sound investments. Mr. Goldfarb always promised his wife that
when they reached such a point in time, he would let his wife enjoy
more leisure by hiring a cleaning lady.
Weeks and weeks went by, but she hadn't hired one. "Irving, it almost
seems that nobody wants to be a cleaning lady anymore! I wish this
were 100 years ago when it was easy to get servants."
"No you don't, Sadie. A hundred years ago, WE wouldn't be hiring
servants, we would BE the servants."
Comments
Room and Board
During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated
herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with
the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.
"Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein,
and I'd like a small room for two weeks."
"I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.
"What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."
"Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
No Jews allowed."
"Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."
"I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the
Son of God?"
"Jesus, Son of Mary."
"Where was he born?"
"In a stable."
"And why was he born in a stable?"
"Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his
hotel!"
Comments
How to Find Your Bashert
by Martin Bodek
Does dating have you in a bog?
Does dating have you in a quagmire?
Does dating have you in a swamp?
Does dating have you repeating sentences that mean the same thing?
Well then, practice my new Bashert-finding method and your
spirits will rise in no time! This fantastic new process is
called the Process of Elimination! Now then, let the process begin!:
There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.
3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels,
seraphim, aliens,
creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves
6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date! See? We've
eliminated 99.9999998157% of the playing field already! Finding
your bashert should be a cinch!
Little known fact: Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the
world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you
can pick from. Now then, of the 13,000,000 Jews available,
I'm going to assume that 50% are not quite the gender you're
looking for, that leaves 6,500,000. Wow! It's narrowing
quickly!
Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already
married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate
2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.
Getting there, getting there.
There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular
order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox,
Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians,
and Young Israelites. That's 9 categories. There are more, but
I'm too lazy to list them all. Since no one should be dating
outside of their category - lest they suffer spite from community
gossips - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves
240,740 people.
4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds,
transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent.
Now we have 48,148 left over.
3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037
people.
2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50
miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.
Half of those are waiting for
love to find them, they can wait. That leaves 2,006 people.
6 Jews are too uh, frugal to pay the ridiculous tolls.
Their loss. Of the 2,000 people left over, you
will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them
to you. 500 people are left over. Let's assume that 500 is the
maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire
lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever
go out with, 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with,
50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told
them not to go out with you, 50 you won't go out with because
some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them, 40 are
too Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black-Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey,
40 aren't Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey
ENOUGH, and 10 simply giveyour mother a "bad vibe."
Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person
will ever date. Of these 200, 9/10ths will reject you, and you'll
never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason.
100 left, we're almost there.
Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what
to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude,
10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to,
10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered,
10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't
approve of.
Only 10 left! Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with,
1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular
reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.
That leaves your bashert, your soulmate, your lifepartner.
He/she's just around the corner! Go get him/her!
Comments
How To Find Me
"It was so nice to meet you! If you are ever in Odessa, please come and
visit me, I'll be glad to see you again!"
"But what's your address?"
"Nothing can be easier! You know the main street in Odessa, De Ribas
Street? So you walk straight from its beginning and make the second
turn to the left. Go ahead and enter the first big ark to your right.
You'll be in a big yard surrounded by apartment buildings. Yell:
'Rabinowitz!!!' You'll see faces looking at you from all the windows
except one! This is my window. Because my name is Shapiro. "
Comments
How to Straighten a Dog's Tail
A step-by-step approach.
Step #1: Straighten Dog's tail using your left hand and hold it like that.
Step #2: Using your right hand, insert the tail into an iron pipe.
Since the tail is inside the pipe now and the iron is not
flexible, the dog's tail lies straight, inside the pipe!
Step #3: Leave the dog like that for 52 long years.
Step #4: After 52 years, release the dogs tail by removing the iron pipe.
Step #5: Now, observe the dogs tail curl right back to its place!!
Moral: Do we still need to hold talks about land for "peace"?
Comments
How Are You Going to Save the Village?
During the Yom Kippur War, five hundred Egyptians besieged a smal village
defended by twenty Israelis armed only with a few revolvers. Somehow radio
contact with the villagers was made.
"How are you going to get out of this?" asked a journalist.
"G-d has always helped us, he will help us here as well."
"And what if He is occupied elsewhere?"
"In that case, only a miracle could save us."
Comments
Owner of Record
It's the yahtzeit (anniversary) of Herman Mendelbaum's
death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to
the cemetary to recite a prayer over his grave and place
a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the
deceased is remembered.
She arrives at the cemetary, but it being a while since
she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor
Herman's grave site.
Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her
to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records
are kept.
Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the
widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman
Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a
Sadie Mendelbaum."
"That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in
my name."
Comments
I am Nothing
Yiskor service, and the Rabbi looking heavenward, passionatly
proclaims "Dear G_d, I but a speck on the ocean of your
countenance, I am nothing!"
The Cantor, seeing the rabbi, and not to be undone chants
"Dearest, omnipitant G_d, among your unworthy flock, *I* am
least worthy. I am nothing."
Finally, the Shamos being devout looks skyward and utters,
"Dear G_d, I am your lowliest servent, unworthy of
consideration. I am nothing."
Whereby the Rabbi looks at the Cantor with a smirk and
whispers, "NOW look who thinks he's nothing!!"
Comments
If Elian Gonzalez Was Jewish
A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being
set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh .
The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt
to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the
S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean
waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly
pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)".
Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to
Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever.. There, he was
turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim
Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg. He moved
into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.
Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in
Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of
a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He
then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was Friday
night, he walked to Miami.
However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in
Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis
lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the
authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away!
Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a
nice girl". Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away
because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played
"Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.
When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who
warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He
responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!".
The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read
"LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.". Talk shows posed questions like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What if an American boy was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami? Guess how much I paid for this? It was ugly.
The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because
she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a
toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been
in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue
operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the
house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the
area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a
Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running
like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors
poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but
they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they
entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had
poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed
only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was
taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his
waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.
Comments
If G-d Had an Answering Machine ...
We have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of modernization. But what if G-d decided to install an answering machine?
Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling Our Father’s House. Please select one of the following four options:
Press # 1 for requests.
Press # 2 for thanks.
Press # 3 for complaints.
For all other inquiries press #4."
What if G-d used the familiar excuse: "All the Matriarchs and Patriarchs are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received."
Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call upon Him in prayer?
"If you would like to speak to Abraham, press 1. For Jacob, press 2. For Rachel, press 3. For Deborah, press 4. For any other Matriarch, press 5. For any other Patriarch, press 6."
"If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 7."
"To find out if a relative or friend is here, press the letters of his/her name , press # ,enter his/her date of Yiskor and listen for the list that follows."
"For reservations at Our Father’s House, simply press the letters M-O-S-E-S, followed by the numbers 6-1-3."
For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, the location of Noah’s Ark, wait until you get here."
"Our computer shows that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."
Comments
Things That Would Be Different If
Israel Bought Microsoft
The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh,
maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to
download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software"
division.
Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
would get "Verklemmt".
No changes in the legal department.
No charges in the medical department
Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
The phone support department would now feel very guilty about
leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be
able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of
high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not
getting any younger] button.
"Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear
that".
Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already"
During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies".
Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
"Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little
bit of that".
When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
Error messages would become a lot funnier.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
loud "Oy!!!"
"Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
"Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in
with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on
your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to
sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
"Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before
desposing of it.
The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or
"The Knish Knetwork".
Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games,
but they would be able to handicap the games better.
There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network
neighborhood" icon.
56,000 bps matzahs.
Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
Windows certified "100% pork free".
"Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
2 words: Virtual Spielberg
Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is
replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and
"Tel Aviv".
Comments
If Jews Were on Star Trek
by Jim Rosenberg, June 14, 1995
Just when I thought it was dry season for column ideas, I found the
following announcement of a new Internet mailing list:
"Trek-cochavim is an unmoderated discussion list for those who
want to discuss the Star Trek world from a Jewish perspective.
Some ideas for discussion include tips and suggestions on roles
Jews would have, and different ways plots could have developed if
Jews had been present in the series."
Well, have no fear because Rabbi Jim is here. It is with great joy that
I proceed to answer the question I had no idea anyone was asking: what
if Star Trek had been created by Gene Rodden*berg*? Let's not waste
another precious column inch wondering.
Star Trek: The Wrath of Cohen
*What roles would Jews have?* A Jewish crew would change old characters
and offer new ones. Scotty would be replaced Morty who would respond to
the Captain's demands for more power with a feisty "Oh, Mr. High and
Mighty Captain wants warp power, does he? Well, perhaps if you'd bought
those overstocked dilithium crystals from my brother-in-law we wouldn't
be in this mess!" I see some new roles: Dr. McCoy's unmarried sister;
Spock's brother who is dead to him for marrying outside the species;
Kirk's agent for endorsement deals back home "When a Starship Captain is
irregular, there's no time to slow down ..."
The Mr. Spock role could be turned on its head. Instead of a perfectly
logical being, it could be a manic depressive, Howie Mandel type.
Imagine turning to your No. 1 for counsel in a time of crisis -- never
knowing if you'd be met with a jittery, flustered ninny or a
tranquilized, depressed corpse. "Mr. Schmuck, the alien ship will have
full weapons capability in 25 seconds. Formulate options." "What's to
formulate? He wants me to formulate? There's no formulate -- we're
dead, dead, dead!"
In the role of the empathic Celestial Shrink, Fran Drescher ("The
Nanny") would play Counselor Oy! I doubt she'd agree to wear one of
those low cut unisex filling station style jump suits, though. She would
definitely replace the communicator badge with a gold broach, which is
just as well, because with an all Jewish crew, everybody would be
yelling at each other and no one would be listening anyway. In
emotional therapy sessions, Counselor Oy! would pull out a tissue and
sob "whenever you talk about your husband being eaten by the five-legged
wolves of Canker 6, I get so verklempt. Your time is up for today."
*What different ways would plots have developed if Jews had been present
in the series?* Well, for one thing, no Jew would have been the lone
Security Officer on a dangerous "away team." Those guys routinely get a
phaser blast to the noggin inside of a minute, and Jews are nothing if
not observant. Upon hearing "Ensign Glickstein, you're with me," the
likely response would be "Captain, I would like nothing better than to
be with you on this important mission. However, I feel I must point out
to you that it was I who just recently swept for mines on Montaldo 4.
Knowing how fair and just you are, I am certain you will wish to take
Ensign Anglo on this mission."
Undoubtedly, the Enterprise would be a more fun place. There would be
mah jongg in Ten Forward for the ladies, and a 24 hour gin rummy game
going in the mess hall ("yes you did -- I *saw* you cheating!"). Even
in the next century, I'm sure the prejudiced and paranoid will still
believe that Jews control the entertainment industry. It will just fuel
that fire when Captain Picard announces "Ladies and Gentlemen of the
Crew, your Captain is proud to present, in cooperation with Don Kirshner
IX, the Senior Officers, the Enterprise Alumni Association, and the
Terran Arts Council ... the celestial magic of Mr. David Copperfield.
If you will activate your stern viewer screens, you will witness Mr.
Copperfield attempt to make Menorah 6 disappear!"
With Jews on board the Enterprise, the job of Communications Officer
would be much more difficult. "Captain, I'm receiving *another*
subspace message from your mother. She wants you to stop at Sourpuss 6
to meet her friend's niece." "Lieutenant, please take us into the
Matzoh Nebulae." "But Captain, the nebulae's magnetic field will
interfere with all radio transmissions." "Take us in, Lieutenant --
take us in!"
Of course, the biggest change would be to the Prime Directive. Up to
now, this guiding principle governing all Star Trek explorers has been:
"do not interfere with alien cultures." This would have to be reworked
slightly to something like the following: "The United Federation of
Planets knows what's best for you. Eat, study hard, eat some more, and
you'll do just fine." End Transmission.
Comments
Impeachment Trial Will Infringe on Sabbath
by Melissa B. Robinson
WASHINGTON (AP) -- It's no fun to work on the weekend, especially when your
job is to sit in silence, listening to lawyers argue for removing the
president from office.
But for Sen. Joseph Lieberman, D-Conn., the Senate's only Orthodox Jew, this
weekend's task is complicated further by the Sabbath, which begins at sundown
Friday and ends at sundown Saturday.
"It's obviously not going to be the kind of Sabbath I normally like to spend,
but I think we can, you know, work it out," said Lieberman, who won't answer
the phone, ride in an elevator or turn on a light during the Sabbath
observance.
Yet, Lieberman says his responsibility as a juror in President Clinton's
impeachment trial comes before his personal preferences, even in matters of
religion.
"In this case, the continuing pursuit of justice takes precedent, and
therefore, without any hesitation, I'll be there," Lieberman told reporters
this week.
House prosecutors began arguing their case against Clinton on Thursday. Their
presentation is to last three days, after which the Senate is to recess until
Tuesday. At that point, Clinton's lawyers are to open their arguments.
For observant Jews, the Sabbath generally means attending services at a temple
and spending time with family. The use of mechanical and technological devices
-- even toasters and pencils -- is shunned, and work is to be avoided.
When he must work on the Sabbath, something that happened less than two dozen
times in his 10 years in the Senate, Lieberman makes allowances.
Sometimes, he takes a hotel room on Capitol Hill; but he's also been known to
walk from his home, several miles away, sometimes accompanied by a Capitol
police officer for security. At work, he takes the stairs. He won't write, but
he'll vote by voice.
"I've found it possible to go and not violate any of the particular
prohibitions that I accept on myself on the Sabbath," he said.
The impeachment trial, actually, could prove more accommodating than other
sessions. Senators are required to sit silently throughout the proceedings.
They've been asked to turn off all beepers and cellular telephones.
Comments
Chinese Jews
There were a group of New York Jews touring several cities in China. One
day in Beijing, they happened down a side street and one spotted a Star of
David hanging in front of what appeared to be a synagogue. With
considerable curiosity, one member of the party stuck his head inside, and
sure enough, it was a synagogue, and a service was in progress. Quietly,
the New Yorkers entered and seated themselves to enjoy the Chinese
service.
When the services came to an end, all the Chinese Jews rose and were filing
out, the Rabbi was out front shaking hands, and thanking members for coming
when he noticed the group of New York Jews.
He smiled and said, "And who might you kind souls be?"
The leader of the New York group explained that they were a group of
American Jews travelling the lovely country of China and were somewhat
surprised to find a synagogue in China, but had thoroughly enjoyed the
service."
At this point, the Chinese Rabbi interrupted and said, "B-b-b-but you don't
rook Jewish!!"
Comments
Sitting Bull
An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs
his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're
getting married.
Naturally the father is upset.
"Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? it's not right for Indians to
marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not
thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".
"Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've
already given their daughter a new Indian name".
"What's that?" says the father.
"Sitting Shiva"
To make both sets of parents happy.....
They promised to name their first born "White Fish"
Comments
Its About Time...
Q: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?
A: Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!
Comments
International Scientists
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular
telephones.
Comments
Interfaith Circumcision Discussion
A Jewish and a Christian child are sitting in the doctor's waiting room.
"Why are you here?" the Jewish child asks.
"I'm here for a circumcision," the Christian replies.
The Jewish child bent over and said in a whisper, "I had one when
I was born and I couldn't walk for an entire year!"
Comments
Intermarriage
Henry Cohen's parents were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30,
and they kept telling him so. He wanted to please his parents, but couldn't
meet a nice girl. In desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.
His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her
regular streetcorner, but one evening she appeared, in new clothing and fancy
jewelry. Naturally, the firends were curious, and she told them how she had
married a nice Jewish boy. "What about his parents?" they asked. She
answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party
every evening for a week. They call it shiva."
Comments
International Anti-Semitism
A Russian asks an Englishman,
"Why isn't there any anti-Aemitism in your country?"
To which, the Englishman replies
"Because we don't think Jews are smarter than we."
Comments
International Needs
Three men were walking through the desert.
The first, a Frenchman,
exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty, I must have wine!"
The second, an
Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty, I must have wine!"
The
third, A Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have...Diabetes!"
Comments
The Internet Bris
An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via
the Internet
The service is to be called ... "E-MOIL"
Comments
Internet Prayer
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging
on to the internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach..."
Comments
Initial Public Offering
on the International Over-the-Counter Marriage Market
Single Jewish Male, LP
100% of outstanding shares are available to the right retail investor
Suggested price: one ketubah (less the underwriter’s 7% cut of proceeds)
After a year in yeshiva, deliberately secluding myself from women, business,
and other time-consuming occupations, I have just launched myself onto the
global marriage market. I am looking for one (1) retail investor.
+ Corporate history
Baal teshuvah, founded 1970. Currently working and living in Jerusalem,
Israel, starting my own internet company. Enjoy: spending time with people
from whom I can learn, public speaking, teaching, writing, politics,
analysis, accomplishing goals. Former investment banker, strategy
consultant, and entrepreneur. Sports: weightlifting, jogging, biking, golf.
Vegetarian. Education: Ivy BA, Ivy MBA, 16 months at several major haredi
baal teshuvah yeshivot. 5'5" tall, black hair, brown eyes. Never married.
I wear a black kipah serugah. This may or may not be indicative of my
politics, preferred neighborhoods, wardrobe, tzizit color, or of which
hechshers I observe.
+ The firm was spun off from the parent companies 29 years ago.
French father, American mother, therefore halachically American. Both
parents non-observant, happily married for 32 years. One sister, dati, who
has outputted three children in three years of marriage. My sister and I
plan to compete to see who will have more children. ;)
+ For this IPO, the investment bank is targeting a special retail investor.
My future wife is, ideally, superior to me in every possible respect.
Fortunately, this is not so hard.
The only question is: will such a wonderful woman spend time with me?
My future wife is, ideally: Jewish, idealistic, of high integrity, committed
to continuous personal improvement, devoted to our family as her top
priority, self-confident, communicates well with a wide range of Jews and
non-Jews, ambitious in the realm in which she focuses her ambition,
intelligent, analytical, articulate, erudite, striving to avoid loshon hara
and vulgarity, non-materialistic, well-educated in Jewish texts,
well-educated in secular subjects, well-read, quantitative, modest in dress,
and athletic. And can leap tall buildings at a single bound.
+ The firm plans to expand rapidly and establish numerous subsidiaries.
I hope to have as many children as we feel we can handle. Between five and
twenty children, but no more than twenty. (Of course, since I've never
raised any children at all, I admit that I don't yet fully comprehend how
much work raising children can be.) Our children will have a strong
education, including all parts of the Torah -- the explicitly religious
(chumash, gemara, etc.) and the less explicitly religious (math, history).
Very strongly prefer single-sex schools for kids.
+ As soon as this IPO is completed, the company will move to new corporate
headquarters.
In our future home, I very strongly prefer to have no TV and few if any
movies, in order to protect the children, as well as the parents, from
pritzut and anti-Torah values. A well-stocked library, with books by
Rambam, N. Lamm, Halivni, C.S. Lewis, Covey, Dickens, Cialdini, Marx, etc.
(books listed in roughly descending order of holiness).
+ The firm has a policy of holding corporate retreats every seven days.
At our Shabbat table, I hope to have many Shabbat guests of diverse
religions and backgrounds. I particularly like hosting non-observant Jews.
A devar Torah by both my wife and me. Good food.
If interested in investing, or if you have suggestions of a potential
investor, please contact me@aish.edu (a shadchan). Finder’s fee happily
paid!
Comments
Isaac's Age
Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to
sacrifice his son?
Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have
been a sacrifice.
Comments
Crime in Israel
A Jewish woman emigrated to Israel. After settling in, she
took a bus ride. On the bus, a man grabbed her purse and ran
off, out into the street. "Oy," she screamed. "I come to Israel,
to get away from crime in America, and they steal my purse!"
The bus driver asked whether the thief was a Jew or an Arab.
"He had a yarmulke on!" she replied.
"Well lady," the bus driver said. "Don't worry about your
purse - it's in Jewish hands!"
Comments
Israeli Economic Planning
The Prime Minister Ben Gurion was having a cabinet meeting,
trying to come up with solutions for the economic hardships
of the infant Jewish state. Floods of immigrants were
straining the national resourses to the limits and something
had to be done to bring in more money.
One minister rushed in all excited, saying, "I found it! The
perfect way out of our economic problems!"
B-G frowned and said, "Nu?"
The other continued, "Listen. Remember World War II? Germany
declared war on America, the Allies came over and whipped the
tar out of them, they surrendered, and then the US came into
Germany and rebuilt the country - and now Germany is on its way
to being an industrial leader in Europe! And then look at Japan -
they declared war on America too, the same thing happened to
them - they're about to take over the Far East economically.
So I figure, all we have to do is declare war on the States, they
come in and beat us, and then they pour all kinds of money into
Israel - and we become rich!"
B-G didn't change his expression. "Won't work," he snapped.
"Why not?" everyone chorused.
"With our luck, we'd probably win the war..."
Comments
Paratrooper in Israel
An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien decided to join the Israeli
Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States. He explained that
he had lots of experience and was raring to go.
The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they
were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the
second chute?" The officer in charge told him only one was
necessary. He asked, "What do I do if it doesn't open?" The
officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about".
He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it
diligently.
Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the
Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and
gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by
the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over
and drops him out.
Comments
The Peace Process
Q: What do you call the Israeli government?
A: The leaning tower of appeasement.
Comments
Personals Which Have Appeared in Israeli Papers
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38.
No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul lastweek? You
excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you
never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the maror
stain on my tie).
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women
should be treated like a piece of meat.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcismof dybbuks,
seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for
American-born woman who speaks English very good.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for
eight days. Who knows?
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virileJewish male, under 35.
Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom
you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest
secrets.Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking
for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and
field. Has slight limp.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take
you out Saturday night. Please write.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish
Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos
candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkahtogether, attend brisses, bar
mitzvahs. Religion not important.
Comments
General Swap
America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals
for three generals.
The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach
tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad
General to teach espionage.
The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General
Motors, and General Dynamics.
Comments
Israeli Cabbie
An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached
a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight
through without even slowing down.
Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and
not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the
next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's
dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to
contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:
"Listen", he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say
anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"
The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:
"Are you meshuggah?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light -- do
you want to get us killed?!"
Comments
Automobile Comparisons
Three guys are chatting about their cars.
"To work I drive a Toyota and on weekends I drive
a Porsche" said the German man.
"Well if you think that's
impressive, on the way to work I drive a Ford and on the weekends I drive a
Ferrari!"
Then the Israeli responds to them "to work I drive a Mercedes, and on the
weekends I drive a tank."
Comments
Last Wish
Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and
an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting
the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the
hunter they can have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks the American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.
"I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.
Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my rear end."
"Be serious," says the top cannibal.
"C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.
"Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.
Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few
other cannibals while the rest run away.
The American and Brit are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had
to go through all this?" they demand.
Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned
me as the aggressor."
Comments
The Israeli Philharmonic
An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann
Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was
admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance,
and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his
escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the
world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."
Comments
Israeli Rhetoric
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the
Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with
my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses
was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and
prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed
water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of
that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the
people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to
cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond,
took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.
Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes
have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians
stole his clothes."
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and
screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no
Palestinians there at the time!!!"
"And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my
speech..."
Comments
Q: What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?
A: A third fewer calories.
Comments
An Israeli X-mas
'Twas the night before X-mas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse
The anti-Bibi posters hung outside on the wall
With the hope that the next day his government would fall
At the base of our chimney we watched with a frown
All night did we wonder - would someone come down?
No, it wasn't Kris Kringle we expected to see
Just a government agent to seize our TV
All the banks had closed early, for many too soon
Not due to X-mas - just a normal afternoon
And down in the street not a carol was heard
Just a kid blasting rap songs, with four-letter words
The Knesset was empty - no debating today
'Cause none of the members of Meretz could stay
They all had to attend an event that was big
Their X-mas day feast, where they dine on roast pig
Santa didn't fly in, as he'd done through the ages
The airport was stiking, to protest their low wages
Which was better than last year, when he came to stuff socks
And got lost in Geulah, where he got pelted with rocks
In the square of old Bethlehem, the crowd stood and cheered
At the site of a visitor - a man with a beard
But the cheers turned to anger, when they realized this man
Was only Rabbi Levenger there to take back their land
While in faraway places, people skate on the ice
Wish each other good tidings and generally act nice
Here there's no X-mas spirit, nor holiday cheer
You get to be rude 365 days a year
There are those who are happy not to have to see
A house full of X-mas lights or a decorated tree
For them it's a reason to live in a Jewish nation
But not me - all I know is I lost a day's vacation!
Comments
The First Day of School
A Jewish mother sent her son off to his first day of
school with the customary pride and precautionary
advice: "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen
to the teacher? And you won't make noise, bubeleh, and
you'll be very polite and play nice with the other
children. And when it's time to come home, you'll
button up warm, so you won't catch cold, bubeleh. And
you'll be careful crossing the street and come straight
home..." etc. etc.
Off the little boy went.
When he returned that afternoon, his mother hugged him
and kissed him and exclaimed, "So did you like school,
bubeleh? You made new friends? you learned something?
Yeah. Said the boy. I learned my name is Irving."
Comments
Jackie Mason
An abridged version of a recent Jackie Mason interview....
Comments
Ancestors
An American, an Englishman an Israeli were indulging in a bit of
boasting.
The American said, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of
Independence."
The Englishman spoke up and said, "That's nothing--one of my
ancestors was present at the signign fo the Magna Carta."
The Israeli just said, "You think that is something? Remember one of
my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."
Comments
Jewish Janitor at Church
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a
job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him
a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.
After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I
just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use
the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your
coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my
name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
Comments
Jews in Japan
On a Jewish holiday in Tokyo, Harry Siegel, far, far from his home in Staten
Island, asked the Japanese hotel clerk, "Excuse me. Would you happen to know
if there is a Jewish synagogue here in Tokyo?
"Synagogue?" replied the clerk. "Ah, so Siegel-san. Ah, yes! Is synagogue!
Leave hotel, walk down street two blocks, turn left - banzai! - is
synagogue!"
So Mr. Siegel left the hotel, followed the clerk's directions, and there - lo
and behold - was a synagogue. He entered. All of the worshipers were
Japanese, as was the rabbi, and the Purim services had begun. Mr.Siegel
happily joined in. When the services were over, he went up to the rabbi and
said,"My name is Siegel. I'm from America. I just want to tell you, Rabbi,
how very happy I was to be with you tonight."
The Japanese rabbi beamed. "Is honor! But excuse, you Jewish?"
"Certainly" replied Mr. Siegel.
"That's funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look Jewish."
Comments
Jaywalking in Jerusalem
From the "Metropolitan Diary" in the NY Times (date unknown)
The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when
my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem.
As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal,
a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly
gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years
he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."
Comments
Sue G-d
by Jonathan
P. Bernick
My column today is about a miscarriage of justice to rival the Academy
Awards' continued snubbing of Pamela Anderson for a "Best Special
Effects" Oscar. It pains me to report that we still live in a country
where a lawsuit can be dismissed just because it names as defendants
Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and God.
As reported in an Associated Press article on CNN's webpage, the lawsuit
in question was filed by one Donald S. Drusky, who was seeking
compensation for his 1968 firing from U.S. Steel. The suit, quoted in
the article, lists as Mr. Drusky's grounds for action against God that
"Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for
their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S.
Drusky." The lawsuit goes on to also name as defendants "former
presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all
50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th
through 105th congresses[.]" (It is left unexplained why Mr. Drusky
failed to name additional agents of misery and suffering, such as Sam
Donaldson's toupee.)
Had Mr. Drusky won, his suit demanded compensation from God including
the restoration of his youth and the resurrection of his pet pigeon. In
any case, the point turned out to be moot; U.S. District Judge Norman
Mordue dismissed Mr. Drusky's lawsuit as frivolous. (The article does
not specify that Judge Mordue then gave Mr. Drusky several sharp whacks
on the head with his gavel, but I believe in my heart of hearts that
this is what happened.)
When I first heard about this lawsuit, my initial reaction was to make
sure that it hadn't been filed in the court system of some foreign
nation, such as the planet Neptune. Upon finding out that this was not
the case, it occurred to me that suing God might be the greatest legal
innovation since rhyming defense summations. I have a few grumbles
about my life, none of which could possibly be my fault or
responsibility. As a former resident of New Mexico (home of the
$3,000,000 spilled cup of coffee) I know that someone must be
responsible for these conditions, and who could be more responsible than
God? Accordingly, rather than attempt to solve these problems on my
own, or dismiss them as superficial blemishes on an excellent life, I
shall forthwith file lawsuits against God on the following complaints:
Loss of Income. Whenever I buy a stock, it drops faster
than Bill Clinton's Yugoslavian poll numbers. This is not
a coincidence. DAMAGES: 10000 preferred shares of
Microsoft, Bill Gates’ personal password, and all
broadcast rights to the phrase "Y2K."
Restraint of Trade. For some reason, I am not a popular
syndicated columnist who could sell a million copies of a
book containing his transcribed gastric rumblings. Since
God has not sent a plague of locusts down on the print
media (the New Yorker excepted), He is obviously being
remiss in His duties. DAMAGES: Dave Barry's job, two dogs
named "Ernest" and "Zippy," and a son named "Rob."
Alienation of Affection. My luck with women somewhat
resembles Lizzie Borden's success with family counseling.
This is obviously due to God not giving me the charisma of
Sean Connery. DAMAGES: A Scottish accent, and a date with
the latest Bond girl. On second thought, just send the
Bond girl.
Unfortunately for my litigious plans, though, I can't file any of these
suits unless Mr. Drusky's case is reinstated. I hope that Neptune has a
speedy appellate process.
Comments
Jewish Blessing
May you live to be a hundred and a day.
Why "and a day"?
You shouldn't have to die on your birthday!
Comments
Jewish Bumper Stickers
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
with a hangover.
After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you
feel better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
Comments
Bumper Sticker
Jesus saves.
Moses invests.
Comments
Who's Most Religious?
A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and
deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I
prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the
storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young
children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my
most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I
saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my
hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had
come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the
Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and
suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday... "
Comments
New Store a Veritable Fantasyland
Just in time for Purim and Passover, Disney plans to open a
store in the Monsey area, which will cater to the needs of
the burgeoning Jewish population. Among the useful items for
purchase will be:
Talis in Wonderland (folds fast if you're late)
Tinkerbell Tefillin (clap if you believe in Hashem!)
Minnie Kippah (also available in mini-Minnie sizes)
Little Mermaid Mezuzah (plays "Kiss the Girl")
Sleeping Beauty Sheytl (blonde only)
Tigger Tichel (orange with black stripes)
Peter Pans (milchig and fleishig cookware)
Bambi Blech (will not burn venison)
Robin Hood Pushka (takes from the rich gives to the poor)
(formerly known as "101 Donations")
Aladdin Kiddush Cup (drink up and you'll be flying)
Pete's Dragon Havdalah Candle (his mouth blows fire!)
Pinocchio Yahrtzeit Candle (his nose grows shorter)
Mary Poppins Spice Box (holds a spoonful of sugar)
Hunchback of Notre Dame Shofar (curved like a real Hunchback)
Old Yeller lulav and etrog set (lulav old, etrog yeller)
Seven Dwarfs Menorah (eighth night not included)
Dumbo Dreidels (they fly!)
Beauty and the Beast Megillah (comes with Goofy gragger)
Cinderella Seder Plate (must be used by midnight)
Jewish Geography Game: "It's a Small World"
Jiminy Cricket's Book of Halacha: "Always Let Your Conscience
Be Your Guide"
Wedding Prints Developed ("Some day my prints will come")
Comments
Was Jesus Jewish?
Religious scholars have recently concluded that Jesus was
definitely not Jewish.
Had he been Jewish, he wouldn't have
wasted time with the Last Supper - he would have gone for the
Early Bird Special.
Comments
Jesus Poem
Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Jesus
You'd all be Jewish
Comments
The Four Food Groups
When my 7 year old son, Paul, was asked if he knew what
the four food groups were, he replied,
"Meat, dairy, pareve, and not kosher."
Comments
Kindergarten Smarts
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who
ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business."
Comments
Jewish Alzheimer's Disease
Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...
Comments
Jewist Atheist
On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant
atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its
denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.
After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad,
do you know what _Trinity_ means? It means the Father, the Son, and
the Holy Ghost."
The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the
shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now
and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d -- and we
don't believe in Him!"
Comments
Categories of Jews
My grandmother has three categories for Jews:
Those less observant than we are, the "regular goyim";
Those more observant than we are, "the crazies";
And that small sliver of Jews who got it exactly right.
Comments
Religion and Viagra
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra.
The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.
Comments
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? -- The Jewish Answers
Abraham
And G-d appeared to me and said, Avraham, Avraham, take the chicken,
thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road...
Yediot Aharonot
Chicken Run Over By Mack Truck!!! Graphic photos, pages 1,2,3,4 and 5;
The Sex Life Of The Chicken, pages 6 and 7; You Too Can Have Sex With
A Chicken, page 8; other news, pages 9 &10.
Woody Allen
I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age. It
wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants
what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)
Shulamit Aloni
I'll eat as many chickens as I like on Yom Kippur, it's nothing to do
with the haredim what I do in my home...
Baal Shem Tov
There was once a chicken in Medzibozh...
David Bar-Illan
This question represents the worst sort of gross antisemitism on the
part of the world's media. Reuters is particularly culpable...
Ben & Jerry
New Launch: Grandma's Funky Chicken Soup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken
for short. 20c per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund.
Elisha Ben Abuye
There is no chicken, there is no road.
Edgar Bronfman
I shall be taking this matter up, on behalf of the WJC, with President
Clinton, the Pope, and whoever's head of Russia this week...
Charles Bronfman
Forget the chicken! Let's get these teenagers to Israel: just think
what will happen if they see an ISRAELI chicken crossing the road...
Buber
I and Thou, Chicken
Shlomo Carlebach
Yannani nini nini; yannani nini nini; yannani nini, yannani nini,
yi nini ini; yini yannani yannani, yi ninininini, yanani yanani yi
ni ni ni ni ni, yanani, yanani yininininini.....
Chief Mashgiah of the Rabbanut of Israel
I thought all chickens in Israel were kosher, aren't they?
Bill Clinton
Chaverim, I'd like to share with you a Dvar Torah on this important
sh'eylah...
Hillary Clinton
I know we had Jewish friends at Yale but this is getting ridiculous!
Clinton's speechwriter
Yo! That's another 50 bucks the guys at the poker game you owe me!
Complete ArtScroll Siddur
Bend once when the chicken goes onto the road (bending first at the
knees, bending fully as it takes its second step); bend again as it
reaches the middle of the road (only a half bow); bend a third time as
it nears the other side. If it gets across without being run over,
say also a shehecheyanu (p. 358); unless the congregation is saying
brochos before and after the shema, in which case no interruption,
even for a brocha, is permitted. No brocha is said on Yomtov, Rosh
Chodesh, or during the entire month of Nisan. On Erev Yom Kippur the
chicken may be used for kapporos.
Discovery Program
If you look at the portion of Tamar and Yehudah, where Tamar is waiting
on the ROAD, and you take every 13th letter of each alternating line,
you AMAZINGLY get the words to "Uf Gozal", proving, once and for all,
that Arik Einstein has ruah ha-kodesh. (Someone should tell Uri Zohar).
G-d
Thou Shalt Cross The Road !!
Ibn Ezra
It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)
Fackenheim
We must all help the chicken across the road, whether the chicken
wants to or not; to fail to do so would be to grant motorized vehicles
a posthumous victory. The responsibility to help the chicken across
the road is holy; it is not negotiable; it is the 615th Commandment...
Viktor Frankl
It was searching for meaning.
Aviv Geffen
A chicken is just a bunch of feathers. Pink Floyd is more important
to me than any chicken.
Arthur Green
A contemporary Jewish theology must incorporate the chicken's need to
cross the road, even if we don't fully understand why it wanted to
cross the road in the first place.
Blu Greenberg
In the first ten years or so of our marriage, Yitz and I didn't really
focus on this question, we lived quite conventional Jewish lives, and
had chicken soup every Friday night. I remember quite clearly the
moment at which I first began seriously to think about this important
question in a radically new light....Nevertheless I want to emphasize
that in my view a synthesis of orthodoxy, feminism and the rights of
the chicken is absolutely possible, difficult though this may
sometimes seem in practice.
Yitz Greenberg
There have been three quite distinct historical Jewish responses to
this question...
Bonna Haberman
What's most important is that chickens be able to daven freely at the
kotel...
David Hartman
As I was saying to Shimon, Yitzhak, Ezer Weizman, Edgar Bronfman and
the Pope, all of whom wanted to know my views on this subject... That
reminds me, Motti, I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!
Hasdai Crescas
Some would say that the chicken was exercising it's free will. But of
course I have already proven that free will doesn't exist, so it must
have had some other purpose in mind. If it was trying to exercise
it's free will, it was guilty of a philosophical error typical of
lower vertebrates.
Hebrew National Co.
So what if we routinely fire our mashgichim, it's kosher.
Herzl
One day, chicken, you WILL reach the other side. You may not believe
it; others may not believe it; but fifty years from now... If you
will it, it is no chicken.
Heschel
If that chicken makes it to the other side I'll be radically amazed!
Hillel
If I am not for the chicken, then who will be? But if I am only for
the chicken, then what am I? And if it doesn't cross now, when?
Avram Infeld
My dear, you are most beautiful! Let's discuss this question over
dinner...
Israeli Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi:
There can be no answer to this or any other question until this
government increases allocations to the yeshivot immediately, fires
Shimon Shetreet, and ends all archeological digs...
Israeli Sephardi Chief Rabbi:
There can be no answer to this question until I consult with Arye
Deri. He's awaiting a jail sentence for fraud? err, let me get back
to you...
Israeli Border Guard
And what is your purpose for crossing over to the other side?
Chicken: Bok
Guard: Is that your only reason?
Chicken: Bok, fock, bok!
Guard: No need for fowl language!
Kafka
I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a
chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can
not say why.
Meir Kahane
The only good chicken is a dead chicken.
Rodger Kamenatz
It was amazing to see how this question united the age old cultures
of Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism. As Yitz Greenberg said to Zalman
Schacter-Shalomi, while the Dalai Lama looked on and several hundred
Buddhist monks waved traditional prayer flags in the hazy Indian
wind..
Mordechai Kaplan
The chicken as civilization! Give the chicken a voice, not a veto.
Kitve ha-Ariza"l
If Rabbi Pinhas had only offered the chicken up as an olah, Mashiah
would have come.
Rav Landau (Bene Brak)
If I didn't shecht it, it's treif.
Levi Lauer
Levinas is the key contemporary thinker on this problem.
Yeshayahu Leibowitz
Judeo-chicken? Disco-chicken? Stupid question. We simply follow the
halacha. The chicken crosses the road. That's it.
Yosef Leibowitz
Why did it cross the road? Creation, revelation, redemption...
Michael Lerner
When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the 60's, I
actively studied the question. In the politics of meaning, no
chickens will have to cross the road if they don't want to...
Levinas
[Answer completely unintelligible]
Judah ha-Levi
My road is the East, but my chicken is in the farthest West.
Uzi Meshullam
The chicken was abducted from it's true Yemenite owners, and it was
crossing the road in an attempt to find it's way home. And I'll kill
anyone (has ve-shalom) who says otherwise.
Moses
And the L-rd said: "Thou shalt cross the road"
Jacob Neusner
The answer to that question will be in footnote 22b to my next book,
"Epistemology of Bava Metzia" (University of South Florida, 1996)
which I am about to start writing. Uh, it was published already?
George!!!!!
Neitzsche
See Elisha ben Abuye
Bibi Netanyahu
Most Israelis on the left mistakenly think that they want the chicken
to cross the road. But not to let them get to the other side. And
that's not really crossing the road. That's why I say it's better to
keep them in the coop.
Sara Netanyahu
You, Chicken, are the WORST %#*@ing housekeeper, EVER!!!! YOU'RE
FIRED!!!!
Orthodox rabbi
A very interesting sh'eyla. There are many different halachic
opinions on this vital question for our time. In my tshuva I shall
review the opinions of the tannaim, amoraim, Rashi, Ralbag, Ramban,
Rambam,the ger, the gor, the grib, the grilbag, the grandpa,
grodzinskis, my grocer, Jerry Garcia, and Heilige Harav Hagaon
Hashlita Rebbe Hamoshiach Menachem Mendel Shneerson...zt'l.
Pinchas Peli
I was privileged to hear the Rav, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, speak
on this subject. His discourses, which lasted several hours, were an
experience which represented an exquisite and unparalleled combination
of erudition, western philosophy, Torah learning and knowledge of
poultry...
Shimon Peres
Yitzhak Rabin, zikhrono livracha, would have wanted the chicken to
cross the road; it is our duty to see that it comes to pass... The
question is not should the chicken cross the road, but should the
chicken remain on the sidewalk. This is the New Middle East. Soon
chickens will be crossing superhighways stretching from Tel Aviv to
Damascus!
Pirkei Avot
Moses heard the answer at Sinai and transmitted it to Joshua...
Judith Plaskow
Where was the chicken in Jewish history? What was its name? Let us
begin now to reclaim its significance, to refashion new rituals, to
allow its voice to speak through the ages ...
Letty Cottin Pogrebin
In the early days on Ms magazine I cared more about women than chickens;
but I see now that this was a sort of false consciousness, an
anti-chickenism within the movement...
Ramban
Really the chicken didn't have to cross the road: this was G-d's
allowance for the weakness of human nature. In the time of the mashiah
chickens will no longer have to cross the road.
Rashi
THE chicken:[ie: without the definite article this might be any
chicken, but THE suggests a particular chicken]; there is a midrash
that this is the first chicken created in gan eden. A second opinion:
poulez [old French].
Reform rabbi
Because it wanted to; in the modern era we all have autonomy,
including chickens. And if any "orthodox" institution attempts to
stop chickens crossing the road we will protest at this outrageous
infringement of religious, civil and poultry freedoms...
Rosenzweig
The chicken hasn't actually crossed yet, but I hope it may one day
do so.
Jonathan Sacks
It is impossible to answer this quesion, (or, for that matter, any
other), without referring to Alasdair MacIntyre's magisterial
"After Virtue" (London: Duckworth, 1981). His argument is taken
further in his "Whose Justice? Which Rationality?"
(London:Duckworth, 1988) and "Three Rival Versions of Moral Enquiry"
(London: Duckworth, 1990). Also of interest are his earlier works,
"A Short History of Ethics" (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1967),
"Against the Self-Images of the Age" (London: Duckworth, 1971)
and especially "Secularization and Moral Change" (London: OUP, 1967).
MacIntyre's ideas are developed in a theological context in Stanley
Hauerwas, "The Peaceable Kingdom" (London: SCM,1983). The Talmud
Bavli and the London Beth Din also hold views on this question.
Sforno
It is desirable that the chicken should cross the road, even in the
time of the coming of the mashiach (cf. Ramban).
Shammai
Typical Hillel! Comes out with complete nonsense, and everybody ends
up quoting him! Life is so unfair! And as for the chicken! - if I
get my hands on that chicken it'll be straight to my talmidim for
Intro Schechting 101...
Danny Siegal
The chicken was doing a mitzvah, and so should we!
Gary Shapiro
Leo Strauss is the key thinker on this question.
Rav Soloveitchik
There were actually two chickens: Chicken One, and Chicken Two...
Steven Spielberg
I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop,
from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which
my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).
Adin Steinsaltz
See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.
Leo Strauss
[Just about comprehensible, but somewhat boring]
Rav. M. Tendler
Of course I could answer this most simple and obvious question, but
this attempt to state the most fundamental belief of Judaism through
the impersonal medium of email is fraught with danger. Can I possibly
prevent your erroneous and illogical deductions in this attempt to
teach the Torah "while standing on one foot." In all likelihood, you
couldn't understand, although I can tell you one thing. Chicken,
kosher; swordfish, treif.
Art Waskow
At Chavurat Shalom we experimented with a chicken-free Judaism; the
beginnings of modern eco-kashrut...
Ezer Weizman
Grunt [expletive deleted]. The chicken-meidele should go home and knit
socks.
Leslie Wexner
I'm happy to announce a new $40 million endowment to help answer this
crucial question.
Rav Ovadiah Yosef
If it was shechted by an Ashkenazi, it's treif.
The Zohar
Rabbi Pinhas was on his way to visit his daughter, the wife of Rabbi
Shimon bar Yochai. On the way, he encountered a chicken crossing the
road, and he heard the sound of a cow. He said: There are no cows
in sight. The chicken answered him: I am a cow, I am crossing the
road to Yerushalayim, so that I can be offered up as an olah. Rabbi
Pinhas responded: Would that I could offer you as an olah, for your
fragrance would rise directly to the ein sof. But, alas, cows don't
have feathers.
Comments
Jewish-Chinese Dialogue
A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man
commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old.
But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinaman was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
"Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"
Comments
Local Jew Feels Left Out of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy
from The Onion
SOUTHFIELD, MI--It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like
their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered
in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery
and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.
"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish
conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it
doesn't hurt."
While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of
international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this
quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed
from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech
Industries.
"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he
said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak
around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the
real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A.
triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."
Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over
the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the
Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.
In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company.
"Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg--those are the Jews who control
Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at
every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But
me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic
comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."
And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years,
Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other
newspaper in the United States.
"As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I
should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased,
liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to
Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow,
that's just not the case."
Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance
into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my
application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for
now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and
powerless Jew."
Comments
A Jewish Conversation
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"Nu?"
"All right. Monday I'll send the check."
Comments
St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to
The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like
building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His
allness. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were
all the Budists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then
the Hindus.
Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the
Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the
Christians," St. Peter told the tour group. "Why is that?" someone asked.
"Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."
Comments
Logic
"Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word 'Yitzhak'?"
"But there is no M in 'Yitzhak'!"
"No, I mean what if we insert it there?"
"But why do we need to insert M in 'Yitzhak'?"
"But that's EXACTLY what I'm asking you: why do we need M
in the word 'Yitzhak'?"
Comments
Jewish Mothers
One Jewish mom tells her freind: I'm so glad my daughter found a good
husband! He loves her so much that he brings her breakfast to bed each
morning!.
Then she sighs and adds: But my Son is married to such a clafte!
Imagine that, she actually makes him every morning to bring her breakfast
to bed!
Comments
The Jewish Olympics
by Stuart Spector
After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was
found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.
Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the
world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the
following:
Decathlon:
Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's
decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the
group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.
Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no
longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva
buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have
promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem
for this particular event.
Oyga Vault:
A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the
bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights
cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be
added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz
mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in
the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
Synchronized Swimming:
Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make
a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has
finished?
Synchronized Tanning:
Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two
rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose.
An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional
points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be
deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
Team Handball:
The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team
will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The
three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the
infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put
competition.
Triathlon:
This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a
serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes
(first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second
part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets
to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be
required to run the marathon.
In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will
feature some experimental, non-medal competition:
Bagel Toss:
A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands
a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.
Balance Beam:
The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in
the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.
Challah Chap:
How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house
before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a
miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.
Dream Team:
This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored
men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of
psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to
analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.
Moyl Marathon:
Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each
kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the
babies of course.
Naches Shlep:
Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have
two minutes to boast about their einiklach.
Rings:
No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to
newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth
fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color,
clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
smile, sophistication, and simchas.
Shochet Slaughter:
Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible. The meat
from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and wrestlers.
Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes. Some events may
require the separation of men and women.
Comments
Religious Perfume Ad Campaigns
Minyan -- when you want to draw a crowd
Rashi -- for comment after comment after comment . . .
Revelation -- They will smell and they will do . . .
Balam -- It will speak to the animal in you.
Shalshelet -- Let the memory linger.
Sodom - Indescribably wicked.
Comments
Election Day
The first Jewish President is elected.
He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to
come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo,just come mama"
"Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on
her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible"
"His brother's a doctor!"
Comments
Quakers
There was once a small Jewish population in an area which was
dominated by Quakers. The Jews there had their own synagogue, and
found their Quaker neighbors to be friendly. All in all, the two
populations got on very well.
One summer, there was a terrible fire and the synagogue was
completely burned to the ground. The Jews were devistated, and began
raising money to build a new synagogue. The Quakers quickly saw their
plight, and also decided to lend a hand. They got together and had a
meeting and decided that until the new synagogue could be built, the
Jews should be able to pray in their church on Friday nights and
Saturdays, since they only needed the church on Sundays. Furthermore,
all funds placed in the charity box would go toward the rebuilding of
the synagogue. The Jews of the community, and their Rabbi, were
overwhelmed by the generous offer - and so it was.
All through the time of the building, the Jews prayed in the Quaker
church on their Sabbath and the Quakers on theirs. As the months
rolled by, the funds rolled in and the synagogue came closer and
closer to completion. Finally, just before Rosh HaShanna, the
synagogue was ready to be reopened. The Rabbi decided that the first
services would take place on Erev Rosh HaShanna, and he announced this
at the services in the Quaker church.
The whole community were outside the new synagogue for the
grand-festive re-opening. Everyone was congratulating each other as
the Rabbi went into the synagogue, and walked up to the pulpit. He
then had the Gabbai open the doors for his congregants to enter.
After a few minutes, the stream of people stopped, and the Gabbai
went up to the pulpit to inform the Rabbi that everyone had been
seated and that the services could begin. The Rabbi looked around and
noticed something strange. He mentioned to the Gabbai that there
seemed to be several, if not many, congregants missing. To this, the
Gabbai replied: . . . "I hate to tell you this, Rabbi, but you should
know that some of your best Jews are Friends!"
Comments
Jewish Quotes
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
been found."
-Calvin Trillin
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took
us forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot
in the Middle East that has no oil."
-Golda Mier
"Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother."
-Peter Malkin
"I was raised in the Jewish radition, taught never to marry a Gentile
woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile
woman on Saturday."
-Woody Allen
Comments
Jewish Red Riding Hood
Little Red Hooding Ride was walking through the Catskills
one day and she came across Mr. Woolfe.
"Where are you going Boobela," asked Mr Woolfe?
"I'm going to see my Bobbeh (grandma) what lives in the
forest," answered Red Hooding Ride..
Mr. Woolfe got in a taxi and went to the Bobbeh's house,
gobbled her up put on her dressing gown and got into her bed
and pulled the sheets up to his chin..
Then there was a knock on the door. "Come in," called
Mr. Woolfe..
Red Hooding Ride opened the door, went in, looked at her
Bobbeh and said, "Oh Bobbeh...What big eyes you have."
"All the better to see you with," said Mr. Woolfe,
"come closer."
"But Bobbeh...what big ears you have," cried Red Hooding
Ride.
"All the better to hear you with," chuckled Mr Woolfe!
"Yes, but Bobbeh...What a big nose you have," whispered
Red Hooding Ride.
"HUH?!" growled the Mr. Woolfe, "Look who's talking!"
Comments
You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If ...
You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but
biblically mandated
Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't
You have a gun rack in your sukkah
your idea of Shalosh Seidos is a six pack of beer and some Redman
Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night.
You think KKK is a kosher symbol
You speak more English than your shul president
You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette
The only plant in your home is your lulav
The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz
Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah
Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"
Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart
Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah
Your local scribe shoots his own parchment
You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha
You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name
Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke
You give Ma'aser from your spittoon
A tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper
You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic question
When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose
You know what Barach to make when you see a UFO
Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon
You think the mechitza is an Italian food
You think a hora is a high priced call girl
You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag
You wear a white hood for Havdallah
You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision
If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row
Comments
Jewish Samurai
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful
emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out
a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who
they knew, and so forth. (An ancient chain letter? - LadyHawke)
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai,
a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate
why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a
matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops
dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very
impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai
opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH.
WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The
emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and
demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai
thinks, "If it works for the other two..."
So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a
little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH.
A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing
around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not
dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see
that the fly has been circumcised."
Comments
"Shit Happens" -- The Jewish Version
There have been several versions of how different religions reinterpret the
phrase "Shit Happens". Well here's the Jewish Breakdown:
Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom His most holy Shit happens.
Orthodox: This is the shit of The Almighty.
Conservative: We have had this shit from generation to generation.
Reform: Got a laxative?
Comments
Jewish Life in Space
This takes place in the old days when the first 3-man space shuttle
came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull
(Jewish ship of course-Segal) picked up the capsule. The first man who
got out of the capsule was Protestant and the clergyman of his faith
asked him; "How was it my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with
a big healthy smile; "It was truly a great experience, etc." The second
man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule the priest blessed
him and asked him; "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost-
How was it?" and the reply was; "It was fabulous Father!" The third man,
of course, was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship and was
huffing and puffing and the Rabbi came up to him and asked him; "How
come-Nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and
refreshed-and you, Nu?" The Jewish astronaut answered-breathing very
heavily; "Every 90 minutes, 'Shacharit, Mincha, Mariv - Shacharit,
Mincha, Mariv'!
Comments
Have you got the time?
An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young
Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.
"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.
"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"
The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I
don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll
have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful
daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
Comments
The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud
The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.
If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
No one looks good in a yarmulke.
Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?
Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.
Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.
Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.
There's nothing like a good belch.
Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
magnesia.
Never pay retail.
It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.
Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a
hangover.
The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
And what's so wrong with dry turkey?
If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.
Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.
Always whisper the names of diseases.
One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
If you don't eat, it will kill me.
Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
The most important word to know in any language is sale.
Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.
Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.
Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.
The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white
shoes for pinochle.
A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.
Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
Before you read the menu, read the prices.
There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his
mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.
According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
Chinese restaurants.
Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't
Jewish.
If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
everyone else to hear.
No meal is complete without leftovers.
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at
the mall.
Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel
better.
Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at
four in the afternoon.
Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.
What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.
Comments
Maid in Heaven: A Jewish Marriage Guide
By Aryeh Kabblan
LOVE
Love, our Sages teach us, is a many splendored thing. It can strike at
any time, on a bus, in synagogue, even (though rarely) on a date. Love is
more precious than gold; in the words of one contemporary tzaddik: "Money
can't buy me love."
But we are taught that G-d created the world as an act of love. We therefore
see that being in love is an imitation of G-d. (Note: While imitating G-d is
fine, doing impersonations of Him is unseemly and irreverent.)
So now you're in love. What do you do next? If you're a Torah-oriented Jew,
not much. You can tell your parents. And you can tell your rebbe. (You don't
have to tell G-d; He already knows.) And you should definitely tell the person
you're in love with. The next step is getting engaged.
GETTING ENGAGED
The engagement period is a critical one for every couple. Among many traditional
Jews, it is after the engagement that the bride and groom actually meet and
learn each other's first names. Among very modern couples, being engaged means
you can now share each other's toothbrush.
This is the time for meeting the parents of your intended. You will want to make
a good impression, so remember to dress modestly (if you're a girl), bring a
small gift (if you're a boy), and shave beforehand (in either case). Very
traditional boys will be too young to shave. Do not forget that you will have to
ask her father's permission to marry her!
It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In
traditional circles, this kind of custom is called yehareg ve-al ya'avor,
i.e., highly recommended. Our Sages have also established a formula to determine
how much one should spend on the ring: 1) take the amount you can afford;
2) multiply by eighteen; 3) that is how much you must spend.
The ring symbolizes many things. First, a ring has the form of a link in a chain.
This symbolizes that marriage chains a man and deprives him of his liberty. As
our Sages teach: "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage" (Avot de-Robbie
Benson 8:4).
The ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage
feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Talmud Torah (Torah study),
which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he
marries.
Of course, a ring is not essential, any piece of jewelry that fits the above
requirements will be fine.
One final note: after being engaged for a few days, you may develop a deep-seated
urge to punch anyone who sings Od Yishama. This is a healthy reaction; don't
fight it.
The time has now come to plan the wedding.
PLANNING THE WEDDING
There are many myths about Jewish weddings, and they must be dispelled. Many people
think that a Jewish wedding must be lavish, with expensive clothes, endless food
and a seven-piece band. This is not a myth; this is TRUE.
The myth is that the wedding is for the bride and groom. In fact, the wedding is
for their parents. This is why three-fourths of the guests are people the bride
and groom do not know. Many of these are relatives neither the bride nor groom
knew existed. In halakhah (Jewish law), these people are called "wedding
relatives." It is forbidden to interact with such relatives except at the wedding
of one's children.
There is a deeper significance to this law. The Hebrew word for relatives,
KeROVIM, has the numerical value of 358. This is also the numerical value of the
word NaCHaSH, meaning serpent. From this we see that some relatives are like the
evil serpent who tempted Adam and Eve to sin, thus blowing things for all future
generations.
SPIRITUAL PURIFICATION
Before the marriage can be consummated, the bride must immerse in a mikveh (ritual
pool). This ritual is neither embarrassing nor demeaning to women. Chasidim do it
every day.
Immersion in the mikveh symbolizes spiritual rebirth. It represents purity and
ritual cleanliness. Nevertheless, the custom is for the mikveh water to be cloudy,
gray, and have little things floating in it. This custom goes back to the time
when women immersed in outdoor rivers, braving frostbite, pneumonia, and the
occasional peeping Tom.
Some point out that the Hebrew word mikveh is related to the word tikvah, meaning
hope. This alludes to the fact that women who use the mikveh hope they won't
contract anything bacterial from the water.
In a deeper sense, the waters of the mikveh represent the waters of Eden. But to
learn more about this, you'll have to buy my book, Waters of Eden, on sale at
quality Jewish bookstores everywhere.
PREPARING FOR THE CEREMONY
One of the most important preparations for the wedding ceremony is the veiling of
the bride. The origins of this custom are unclear. Some relate it to the biblical
story of Jacob, who let his father-in-law veil the bride and wound up with the
wrong woman!
Others trace the custom to the little-known talmudic sage, R. Yosi ben Seymour, a
man blessed with thirty-six daughters. R. Yosi,according to one tradition,
instituted the veiling at the wedding of daughter number thirteen, a girl with the
complexion of an overripe turnip. This idea may be alluded to in the Yiddish name
for the veiling ceremony, _bedekun_, which means "Cover her up!"
THE WEDDING CEREMONY
After the preliminaries, the groom and bride are led to the chupah (canopy). It is
customary that the groom be led first. This is because Judaism regards men as more
important than women. As we shall see, this is an important theme of the Jewish
wedding ceremony.
The groom is then dressed in a kittel, a long, white garment resembling a bathrobe.
The kittel recalls the day of the groom's death, the symbolism of which is pretty
obvious, especially if you've been married for a couple of years. This is also
alluded to by the word kittel, which is rooted in the Hebrew verb katal, meaning
"to slay." A fuller exposition of the similarities between death and marriage may
be found in my article, "Why Moshiach Is a Bachelor."
In some circles, the groom is followed by a procession of relatives and friends.
This is a Gentile custom, however, like drinking gin and playing golf.
Finally, the bride is brought to the side of her groom. She should be finely
dressed in a beautiful, but modest, white gown. The bride must also wear contact
lenses. This is because the Hebrew term for lenses, adashei maga, has the numerical
value of 497, which is only three less than 500, the numerical value of
peru u-revu ("Be fruitful and multiply").
At this point, the bride traditionally walks around her husband seven times. There
are a variety of explanations for this custom, all of them demeaning or patronizing
to women.
THE ERUSIN
The rest of the ceremony is fairly technical from a halakhic point of view, but a
true understanding of its essence reveals how romantic it really is.
Simply put, the man acquires the woman in a financial transaction. He does this
by giving her something of value. Although customarily a gold ring is given, any
object of minimal value, such as a comb or french fry, will do.
At this point, it is necessary to create an intermission between the erusin and
the latter part of the ceremony, the nisuin. Jewish tradition, with its keen sense
of irony, reminds the newlyweds that, until Jerusalem is rebuilt and the Likud
returned to power, our happiness can never be complete. In order to introduce some
unhappiness into the proceedings, the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) is read.
THE KETUBAH
Like all contracts, the ketubah is a dry legal text, somewhat lacking in
entertainment value. Worse, the ketubah's text is very ancient and is written in
a very ancient language, Aramaic, which has not been spoken for about 1500 years.
Historians say that Jesus spoke Aramaic, but unless he's invited to your wedding,
the reading of the ketubah will go largely unappreciated.
Today many people spend hundreds of dollars to have an artistically designed,
beautifully illuminated Ketubah, most of which are possul (not recommended for
use). In halakhah, these people are called hedyotos (airheads).
A SERMON
Instead of reading the ketubah, and sometimes in addition to it, a D'var Torah
(sermon) is delivered. To again commemorate the anguish of the destruction of the
Temple, the sermon is traditionally long and boring. Preferably, it should be
delivered in an incoherent mumble by a scholar who knows neither the bride nor
the groom. Instead, he will refer to them generically as the "chusankalloh." Even
better, he should not refer to them at all, but present a lengthy discourse on
sin and damnation.
THE REST
This is followed by the Seven Blessings, yihud (seclusion), a big meal and lots of
photographs.. Of course, the wedding is only the beginning. The real headache of
marriage does not take hold until long after the centerpieces from the dinner
tables are stolen by the "wedding relatives." Only after the band has gone home will
you greet the future of married life with that immortal prayer: "Dear God! What have
I done?"
Comments
Man and Wife
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site
with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to
the woman.
"What's new, Sara?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns
to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak
for several minutes.
After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to
ask how she knows him.
"Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought
about marrying him."
The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If
I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction
worker!"
The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married
him, he'd now be a mayor!"
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Comments
Those Jews
It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was
trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?"
he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way,
he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:
One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!
Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was
given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper,
he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the
hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.
"Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three
years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."
"How much is it?"
"Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."
Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.
The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of
those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the
money, but I need a little more."
"How much more?"
"Twenty five dollars."
Feldman handed over the money.
"Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the
most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress,
I'll simply die."
"Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"
"Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."
Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and
grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a
little money, you Jews take it away from us!"
Comments
Hamaven Yaven
Masechet (Tractate) Baseball
Recently, there was "Jewish Night" at Shea stadium (NY Mets). My friend and I went, and we decided to send out two trusty virtual reporters, Ella Rina (E.R.) and Ella Tfila (E.T.) down to the field with hidden nanophones (that's 1/1000th of a microphone) to determine the answer to that age old
question:
"What are they discussing on that pitcher's mound?"
Ella Rina has explained to us that there are, basically three types of
conversations:
The chevruta: This is when the catcher alone goes to the mound to
talk to the pitcher.
The shiur: This is when the manager goes to the mound the first time
in an inning.
The mussar: This is when the manager goes a second time to the
mound. Inevitably, this must be some severe punishment, as this is
immediately followed by the pitcher leaving the game. Typically,
pitchers try to avoid the mussar.
Ella Tfila reported on some of the conversations that occurred during
the August 4, 1998 Mets Game vs. The San Francisco Giants. To avoid
"lotion horror" and possibly being ejected from future baseball games
because of slander and playing with the rosin bag, Ella does not mention
any of the players' real names. Of course, Ella doesn't KNOW any of the
players' real names, anyway, but that's beside the point.
In the top of the third, the Mets catcher went to the mound for a
chevruta:
Pitch: So, nu? Vat's de matter now?
Catch: Listen, I just want to tell you that you should pitch no higher
than 1 amah out of the strike zone, because even bedi'eved (by
leniency), the umpire won't call it a strike. And try to speed up your
pitches so we can all get out of here before sof z'man kriyat shema (end
of time for reciting Shema), OK?
Ella Rina explained what goes through a pitcher's head between pitches.
Have you noticed he walks around the mound too much, picks up the rosin
bag, drops it, rubs his hands, chews tobacco, spits, scratches himself,
all before he finally throws a ball to home plate? What is going on all
this time?
E.R. explains that the pitcher is contemplating a tough sugya (section)
of the Talmud. The walking around the mound is to fulfill the precept,
"vehalachta bidrachav". "Thou shalt walk in his path". The pitcher would
rather himself walk in His path than walk the batter to first base!
The use of the rosin bag is an allusion to the children of Israel all
united in one place. The baseball field is partially made of sand thus
resembling Israel as the "sands of the Earth", thus scattered about. The
rosin bag represents the collection of these scattered grains in one
place forming unity and thus, controlling the destiny of the game. After
all, the game cannot continue until the pitcher pitches the ball!
The tobacco chewing and spitting is simply because the pitcher gets
hungry on the mound. Since the mound may be considered a makom (place
of) tum'ah (unclean), the pitcher cannot make a bracha (blessing) prior
to eating. Hence, by chewing tobacco and spitting it out, he is not
really eating, thus he need not make a bracha.
The scratching minhag (custom) originated from a mistranslation of a
Yiddish word. Many years ago, when Sandy Kofax was losing a game, and
things looked bleak, he went off the mound and began to krechtz (sigh),
"Oy vey! Vat a day! How do I make this batter strike away?" From there
came the expression, and rule, "A pitcher who is in trouble should
krechtz to relieve his frustrations." However, as Kofax passed on, and
got into The Hall of Fame, people started to say, "A pitcher who is in
trouble should kratz (scratch) to relieve his frustrations." Thus, came
about the custom to scratch rather than to sigh.
E.T. explains that the reason the pitcher keeps nodding his head "yes"
and "no" is that he is contemplating the result of a makhloket (dispute)
and it takes him some time to decide which Rabbi might be right.
Occasionally, the pitcher really cannot decide, as E.T. discovered the
other night when there was an "expanded" chevruta. The first baseman
joined in together with the catcher on the mound.
1st base: "Hey guys? What's the problem
Catch: Now, I thought I told you what the signals mean. Index finger
means Bet Shamai, Pinkie means Bet Hillel."
Picher: Oh, was that it? I thought the index finger meant Hashem is
watching and the pinkie meant "let's have fleishigs (meat) after the
game!"
1st base: "No, you shmendrik and a half! The index means throw a
fastball and the pinkie means that the catcher has an itch on his index
but can't get his finger out of the glove. Got that?
Meanwhile, the yoompar (umpire) has joined in on the chevruta also.
Yoomp: "Hey! You guys are taking too long! My wife said not to come home
so late because I'll miss tikun chatzot (midnight prayer). Let's get on
with the game, OK?"
Sometimes, E.T. says, it's hard to tell the difference between the
expanded chevruta and a shiur. The difference, of course, is that a
shiur always involves the manager, where the chevruta never does.
Problem is, sometimes the manager TELLS the players to make an expanded
chevruta, in which case, technically, this is a shiur, but not really.
E.T. refers to this as a "syag leshiur" (building a "fence" around the
shiur). I just prefer to call it an excuse!
In the 8th inning, it seems that the Giants pitcher got into some
trouble. They were one run up, but had the Mets fastest runner in
scoring position. A shiur occurred on the mound.
Manager to pitcher: Now, we're taking dinner orders. We decided we're
going for Chinese food tonight.
Pitcher: But I prefer chulent!
Mgr: I'm sorry, but we've had enough chulent the last few nights! Now,
you better tell me now, you want Moo Goo Gribenes (chicken fat, with the
hardened skins) or Sweet and Sour Egg Kichel? (The only "mop" and
"shovel" good enough for pickled herring onions. A necessity when you
run out of toothpicks!)
Pitch: I don't know. Let me get this last guy out, and I'll let you know
in the dugout between innings, OK?
Mgr: OK, but you better finish it soon, 'cause the boychiks ("dem
bums!") here are getting mighty hungry.
Well, it seems that the thought of food made the pitcher lose
concentration. He not only walked the next batter to load the bases, but
he had a wild pitch, and walked the next two after that. This was far
more than the manager and the dug-out-chiks could tolerate.
Mgr: OK, what's the problem. Why did you allow three men to score?
Pitch: I'm sorry, I was hungry. You know, I was thinking about getting
Liver Lomein with an Egg Keichel Roll.
Mgr: Are you meshugah? You were hungry? That's what cost us three
runs??? You were hungry? Get outta here and get the whole team some
food! The whole dugout is hungry! Come on! Give me the ball! (Oy! He was
hungry! Ah nechtigeh tog! ("Why didn't I trade him yesterday?"))
Well, now that you have some idea of why baseball games take so long, I
would suggest that next time you go to the park or stadium you might
want to take a Ramba"m (Maimonedes explanation). I have a feeling he
might explain what the BATTERS do when they step out of the batter's box
between pitches.
Until then, this is Ella Rina and Ella Tfillah saying if you understood
this, then you're a Maven.
Comments
Book Reviews
Eli D. Clark
Rabbi Mordy Ignatzkowitz Explains It All for You (Hassagas Gvul
Publishing, 1999), translated and edited by Suri Horowitz-Margareten, 237
pp.
Throughout our history, there have been Jews who, confounded by the
crossword puzzle of current events, have stared up at the heavens and
asked, -Why?- But Hashem, Who has better things to do, does not send the
answers directly. Instead, in every generation, He blesses us with a
guide who unravels these mysteries for us: The Rambam, the Arizal, the
Besht, the Fonz.
HaRav Mordechai Ignatzkowitz is such a person. A disciple of the
well-known mystic, R. Azarya Eyd Zomem, R. Mordechai is world-famous for
his lectures, which draw overflow crowds to his 1-BD bedroom apartment -
in Bnei Brak. His radio show, -Toch Kedey Dibbur,- attracts countless
listeners. And his tapes are best-sellers from the fast food restaurants
of Flatbush to the basements of Borough Park. Now, for the first time
ever, Rav Mordechai's wisdom is available to the English-speaking world
(provided that the English-speaking world has $24.95 plus tax. Okay, for
you, no tax.). R. Mordechai's daughter-in-law has painstakingly
transcribed hundreds of hours of speeches, shiurim, diatribes and
anecdotes and lovingly presented them in fractured English. The results
are nothing short of wondrous.
War and conflict, evil and wickedness, pain and agony -- synonyms like
these that have plagued man for generations are explained by R.
Mordechai. In surprisingly simple sentences, he describes how our lives
interconnect, how world events are governed by Hashgochoh, and how to
make a fortune investing in soybean futures. With a mixture of wit,
warmth and erudition, R. Mordechai shines a halogen light into the
darkness of life. He illuminates the daily kindnesses of Hashem, the
ever-present touch of the Divine thumb on the deli scale of history. More
importantly, R. Mordechai reminds us what Hashem really wants from us:
dedicating ourselves to Torah living, reaching out to the less fortunate,
wearing felt hats with wide brims.
What makes this work truly memorable is the stories. R. Mordechai has an
endless trove of moving, relatively truthful stories. For example, R.
Mordechai tells the heartbreaking tale of a young girl named Sora Miriam,
who loves to ice skate. When it becomes clear that her skating would
conflict with her responsibilities as a frum girl, she bravely abandons
Yiddishkeit and moves to Utah to train with an Olympic coach. Sora
Miriam, now known as Shana Marie, performs well in her first competition,
only to be bested by a young Asian skater named Mikudesheth Li. After a
brief modeling career, Sora/Shana realizes her error and returns home,
where her loving parents have waited for her, patiently renting out her
bedroom in her absence. Happily, she rejoins her family, marries a young
kollelnik named Feuchtwanger, and develops an incredible recipe for
avocado kugel. As luck would have it, though, Sora's own daughter,
Devoyri, changes her name to Dorothy, marries Steve Hamill, and becomes
the best-known U.S. figure skater of the twentieth century.
Enhancing R. Mordechai's inspiring stories are beautiful color
illustrations and a handsome, faux leather binding. Available with or
without an accompanying CD (featuring Peggy Lee), the book is an ideal
Bar or Bas Mitzvah gift and is sure to please everyone in the family with
a fourth grade reading level or below.
Books Briefly Noted
A Summary of New and Noteworthy Jewish Fiction and Non-Fiction
Problems with Contemporary Halakhists Volume III. A nationally
recognized authority on Jewish law analyzes a host of contemporary
halakhic issues including: employing a gentile to brush one's teeth on
Shabbat, living next door to a house with a television antenna, and the
required height for a mechitzah at one's Shabbat table. Also discussed:
whether someone seen eating broccoli remains kasher le-edut, and the
halakhic considerations that apply to the purchase of a sport utility
vehicle. In a special appendix, the author lucidly describes the process
of pesak, demonstrating the need for objectivity and sensitivity and
explaining why his own rulings are inevitably correct.
The New Jewish Way in Dating and Marriage. A practical guide to the
contemporary search for a shidduch. Features a letter written by a
prominent Gadol on choosing a mate: -The Eternal Question: Yichus or Hard
Assets?- In-depth chapters describe how to build a gold-plated résumé,
manufacture a stellar family tree, and touch up old wedding photos.
Practical sections include nineteen arguments why kollel is essential to
the survival of Am Yisroel, fashion hints, and a comprehensive glossary
of yiddishisms (-Mastering Yeshivonics-). Chapters for parents include
twenty-five intimidating questions on sugyos in Menachos and tips on
accessing the credit and tax records of prospective in-laws.
Shver Jordan. In this futuristic novel, a legendary basketball player
becomes a rosh yeshivah. His charisma quickly wins him a substantial
following, until someone realizes that he cannot read Aramaic and thinks
-Tosfos- is a brand of linoleum. As the yeshivah's fortunes start to
sink, a loyal student suggests a benefit concert. All of the superstars
of Jewish music agree to perform, with their beards. A new song,
-Rappin' with the Rogotchover- is introduced and goes on to become a
wedding and bar mitzvah standard. The successful concert saves the
yeshivah, but Rav Jordan decides to return to sports, moves to Milan and
joins a basketball team sponsored by Ragu.
The Real Halakhic Man. A stunning reevaluation of the life and thought
of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Based on unconfirmed rumors, the author
reveals that the Rav mistakenly wandered into the University of Berlin
while searching for a bakery that sold yoshon bagels. Not wanting to
offend the university personnel, the Rav politely agreed to enroll as a
student for six years and write a dissertation on neo-Kantian philosophy.
This reluctance to offend others was a hallmark of the Rav's patient and
gentle personality. For instance, prior to establishing the Maimonides
School in Boston, a prospective parent asked the Rav if the school would
be co-ed. The Rav (who naturally never considered the option), assumed
the questioner said -ka-ed,- i.e., like a witness testifying to the emes
of Torah, and said, -Yes.- Rather than risk embarrassing a fellow Jew,
the Rav permitted the school to teach boys and girls together.
Another revelation relates to the Rav's involvement with Mizrachi as
honorary president of Religious Zionists of America. The author explains
that the Rav's affiliation did not signify agreement with religious
Zionist ideology, but a subtle strategy to persuade Mizrachi to merge
with Agudath Israel or, at least, change its name to -Rejecters of
Zionism of America.- Indeed, for most of his life the Rav chose not to
travel to Israel in silent protest of the existence of a secular Israeli
government. Interestingly, in the 1970's, the Rav planned a late
November visit to the Holy Land, but missed his flight when his
Thanksgiving dinner ran late.
A Man in Shul. This satirical novel follows the vain attempts of a
Southern Jew to find a shul in which he can daven undisturbed by talk of
sports scores and stock prices. In one memorable episode, he feigns
deafness; but the talkative neighbor, instead of falling silent,
initiates a conversation with another person, in which he loudly comments
on the hero's bad haircut, ugly tie and unattractive wife. A few
chapters later, the protagonist is dragged against his will to a -kiddush
club- by an amiable surgeon who cheerfully insists, -We need a minyan to
drink bourbon.- In the unrealistic conclusion, the hero finds a quiet
Young Israel in Queens.
The Toaster in Jewish Law. A long overdue study of the halakhic issues
relating to the electric toaster, complete with 73 color illustrations.
Written by a respected member of an obscure kollel, the book analyzes the
prohibitions of using a toaster on Shabbos, the procedures for kashering
a toaster and cleaning it for Pesach, and recommendations for using a
toaster to bake matzoh, heat the kitchen or dry wet laundry. Separate
sections discuss the toaster/oven and how to make toast in the wilderness
with a hanger, dental floss, and a can of hairspray.
By the Grace of Hashem. A riveting, true-life story detailing the
miraculous rescue of a middle-aged mother of five from a riot at
Loehmann's. On March 9, 1989, a fight broke out in the petites section
between two women over a marked-down Donna Karan business suit. This
sparked a melee that spread throughout the mall. One hundred twelve
people were taken to the hospital and twenty-four others converted to
Buddhism. In the end, criminal charges were filed, but only against a
nine-year old boy who witnessed the entire riot, videotaped it and
broadcast the film on a cable television channel operated by his older
brother from a high school locker. The author, who had gone shopping for
an engagement dress for her daughter (still single, but very warm and
outgoing!), avoided injury by climbing through an air duct into the
ventilation system of the building. Wedged in by her purse, she was
stuck for four days, subsisting on breath mints and a weeks-old
tangerine. Finally, she was discovered by a well-meaning cat burglar who
drove her back to her home in time to catch a re-run of the evening news
from 1973. Her husband, a Chassidisher rebbe, had despaired of seeing
his beloved wife again, so he moved the family to Sacramento and opened
up a combination kosher pizza shop and shtiebel, called -Fress and
Bless.-
Tzaddik in a Peltz: Exorbitant Wealth as the Path to Shomayim. This
groundbreaking work persuasively argues that Hashem wants all of us to
own a six-bedroom house in Lawrence with a pool. The author, a
well-known stock broker and letz, provides a historical overview
describing a long list of wealthy tzaddikim from Avraham Avinu to the
Reichmans. He notes that the Hebrew word for wealth, osher (with an
ayin) is almost identical to the Hebrew word for happiness, osher (with
an alef) and the Hebrew word for uprightness, yosher. An extensive
halakhic section cites numerous Gedolim who praise material
gratification, self-indulgence and the mindless acquisition of property.
In an innovative passage, he explains that the statement of Chazal,
-Marbeh nechasim, marbeh da'agah -- One who increases possessions,
increases worry,- actually means that when you acquire possessions, it
increases your neighbor's worry, because he now has to go out and buy
something better. Chapters include: -Evading Meshulochim -- Delay,
Denial and Ducking Out of Sight,- -Is the World Ready for Designer
Tefillin?- and -The Six Figure Wedding: Because You're Worth It.-
Fatterstill Halls. A novel set in a girls' seminary in Israel, this
absorbing story follows a diverse group of twenty-nine American girls who
come to Israel with a combined total of 847 pairs of shoes and spend a
year learning about life, Torah and the guilty pleasures of Bamba dipped
in chocolate spread. By striking coincidence, all but two of the girls
are named Aviva. They develop a close relationship with their madrichah,
a twenty-four year old named Chaviva, who keeps telling the girls that,
before making a decision, they should ask themselves, -Think: what would
the Maharal have done?- In the middle of the year, Chaviva gets engaged,
but her parents oppose the match because her fiancé's name is Ido.
During the novel's climax, Aviva, the intellectual of the group, has a
spiritual experience at the Kotel and decides to make aliyah, unless she
first meets a nice guy from Englewood who has been accepted to Columbia
Law School.
Conversations with G-d, Book 3. A long-time confidante of the
Lubavitcher Rebbe looks back on his weekly meetings with the King
Moshiach.
Nu? I'm Tired of Waiting! A well-known Orthodox feminist shares her
hopes, fears and frustrations over a lifetime of struggle to transform
Orthodoxy into Conservative Judaism. Speaking of her ambition to be an
Orthodox rabbi, she writes, -I've always dreamed of standing and begging
the congregation for silence in shul or watching my baal ha-batim fall
asleep during my derashah.- She writes of her reverence for tradition
and her desire to undermine it. In a stirring passage, she speaks of
following in the footsteps of her heroines: Joan of Arc, George Eliot and
Aunt Sadie. (In 1963, Aunt Sadie walked out on Uncle Myron for writing a
poem about her entitled, -Servile Sadie, My Favorite Lady.-) Looking to
the future, the author predicts that the laws of taharat ha-mishpachah
will be updated, such that all married women will be required to make a
monthly visit to the manicurist.
Katz in the Sheitel. The light-hearted story of Elana Katz, a young
corporate lawyer in New York who heaves her briefcase into the Hudson
River and becomes a full-time sheitelmacher. She soon discovers an
untapped market for European virgin human hair sheitlach and popularizes
a new wig design modeled after Marilyn Monroe's hairstyle called the
-Rollin' Rebbitzen.- The style is an instant smash, and Elana opens
salons in Brooklyn, Bnei Brak and Baton Rouge. With the help of her
husband, a computer programmer, they launch the Kimchis Kollel, dedicated
exclusively to the study of Gemara Sotah. Years, but not months, pass.
At the suggestion of a prominent Gadol, the sheitel business is sold to
Merrill Lynch which merges it with a company that sells flavored seltzer
on the Internet. Without a business to run, Elana retires and dedicates
herself full-time to criticizing the housekeeping skills of her
daughter-in-law.
Triumph of Destiny of Survival. A sweeping history of the Jewish people
told from the perspective of a twenty-seven year old accountant named
Kasriel. Skipping back and forth between centuries, weaving midrashim,
limericks and legends into each story, the book spins an entertaining
though fictitious narrative, starting from Adam ha-Rishon and concluding
with the 1974 laying of the cornerstone of Young Israel of Avenue J.
Highlights include a retelling of the Bilam story from the perspective of
the donkey and an eyewitness account of the Golem of Prague tackling an
anti-Semite and removing most of his cardiovascular system. Sadly, the
author does engage in historical revisionism, arguing that R. Shimshon
Raphael Hirsch spoke Mandarin Chinese and claiming that the Mesillas
Yesharim was written by the author's father-in-law. Lavishly
illustrated, the book includes a reproduction of the invitation to the
wedding of R. Saadia Gaon and a photograph of the Vilna Gaon's tefillin
mirror.
Comments
Jewish Candy
Q: What's a Jew's favorite candy?
A: Mazel-toffee
Comments
Jewish Food?
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a
posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat
with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked
salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added,
"I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on
Shabbos!"
Comments
Jewish Football Player
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the
end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into
his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert
you at South Bend?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
Comments
A Jewish Grandmother's 21 Steps To the Proper Preparation of
Gefilte Fish
Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself.
Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.
While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...
...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.
Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.
On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.
Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.
Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.
Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.
Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.
Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.
There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.
Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.
Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.
Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.
Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.
On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.
Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.
Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.
After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.
Comments
A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
By Jordan Max
Last year, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many
hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and
after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that
this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I
researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling
them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their
responses:
Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the
entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of
what anyone else thinks."
Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but
the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in
discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel
only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you
cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait,
don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"
Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the
driveway, since you really do not have any valid
historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will
soon be given back to its rightful owners."
Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz
version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the
proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal.
Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling
of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend
the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the
snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left,
bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit
snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the
Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink,
remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll
Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."
Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take
snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights:
each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have
absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow
decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it
wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."
Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that
clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in
the winter season. (Old French: neige).
Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in
Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will
turn as white as snows"
Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling
is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling
snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision,
will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."
Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel
the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are
running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"
Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world
which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of
religious denomination and belief, and is therefore
instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and
diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining
the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President
Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who
had asked my opinion."
The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a
disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our
efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any
case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let
it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow
will have miraculously disappeared anyway."
Now, if I could just find my boots.
Comments
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar; 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar;
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.
What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
"Is anything all right?"
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
(Sigh) Oh, don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark.
Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking
up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles
back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf! "
Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
"They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name
is Shooting Star."
"How nice," says his mother.
"I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water" and you have to
call me that from now on."
"How nice," says his mother.
"You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
"I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."
A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if
you should call."
You've heard about the big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish
tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from
medical school.
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a
part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking
part."
Jewish telegram:
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
A Jewish Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar and announces
that his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 20 pounds which even
for a Texan is atypical. Congratulations shower him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're
the father of the Texas baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is he doing?
What does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."
The bartender is both puzzled and concerned. "Why? What happened? He
already weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is it he lost so much weight?"
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes
his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
the bris."
One Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little
David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the
synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were
mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at
the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning David."
"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in
the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday morning?"
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on
a night like this?"
Comments
Lost & Found Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul he reads a notice stating that a wealth Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it.
Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet. The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the community rav.
Both men present their case. the poor man first then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, Rabbi, "I trust you believe me.:
The rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi take the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?!" the rich man yells angrily.
The rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet have seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a lair and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred and fifty dollars in it!"
Comments
Not-So-Famous Jewish Movies
Gonif with the Wind: a thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara
through a forged deed.
The Putzman Rings Twice: a mohel murder mystery
Schnorer Rae: a freeloader tries to get in on the union movement
Balaboosta Cockburn: John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger
cookbook
The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly: a kosher noodle western
Moby Dreck: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale
The Cincinnati Yid: Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings
to start a reform congregation
Litvak Big Man: Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an
American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer: Paul Newman and Robert
Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims
Bridge over the River Kvetch: The extras complain that
whistling the theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips
The Creature from the Black Latke: an overdone potato pancake
turns into a monster
Mamza Poppins: a talented nanny has questions about her birth
legitimacy
The Matzo Candidate: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking
it's always Passover
Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington: Jimmy Stewart thinks he's
still filming Harvey
Driedls of the Lost Ark: Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games
Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore: neither the waitress nor the
old Hebrew school can be found
Borscht-time for Bonzo: Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy
monkey
Singing in the Ch'rain: Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his
umbrella
Comments
Jewish Non-Alcoholics
Jews don't drink. it interferes with their suffering.
Comments
Jewish Oscars 5760 (March 2000)
Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings", awarded
for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal
House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.
The following have been nominated:
The Six Cents: 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth
Goy Story 2: Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another
Isn't She Gevaldik: Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann
Supernova: Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox
Snow Falling on Seders: Unexpected storm disrupts Passover
Angela's Kashas: Woman reveals secret recipe
Girls, Interrupted: Women's section of shul shushed during davening
Stuart Ladle: Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos
The Seder House Rules: Zadie lays down the law on Pesach
The Talmudic Mr. Ripley: Believe it or not, he knows gemorah
Comments
Jewish Pokemon Characters
Gefilte
Shmegege
Meshugeneh Zach
Pick-a-Jew
Yahrtzeits
The blech
Plagamincha
Shabbos Guy
Shucklepuff
tziztzisaurus
Comments
A Punny Riddle
This old classic concerns a Jewish religious leader
who has a secret cemetery in his backyard for a
certain portion of his pets' bodies.
[scroll down]
"The Cantor Buries Tails"
Comments
You might be a Jewish Redneck if ...
By Terry Kleger
Your favorite foods are Gefilte Fish and Grits.
You think Dolly Parton should have had the lead role in Yentl.
You can't decide what to do when Yom Kippur and the first day
of hunting season fall on the same day.
You keep writing to the Grand Ol' Opry for Fiddler On The Roof
tickets.
When the Rabbi announces that a pick-up truck is blocking the
driveway, everyone looks towards you.
You wear Cowboy Boots to your son's Bar Mitzvah.
You do all your Chanukah shopping at yard sales and flea markets.
Despite traditional Jewish emphasis on higher education, you never
pursued your G.E.D.
You want to move your work to another station in life - from
Shell to Exxon.
For safekeeping you leave your NRA Membership Card in your
tallis bag.
You look for "Thank G-d I'm A Country Boy" in your synagogue
prayer book.
Your favorite Passover snack is Spam on matzah.
You think a mitzvoh is a Japanese car.
You can't believe the K-Mart 'BlueLight' Specials you got your
daughter for her Bat Mitzvah.
You're still looking for "Hava Nagila" by Elvis.
You're disappointed when your son tells you he wants to be a
doctor or a lawyer and not a NASCAR driver.
Your Chanukah decorations include a Star Of David hanging from a
plastic Pink Flamingo.
You feed your Hound Dogs corned beef scraps.(mw)
You have a Menorah tatooed on your chest.
Your favorite fast food is a BLT- Bacon, Lox, and Tomato sandwich.
You have a SkullCAP And Crossbones insignia on your motorcycle
jacket.
You break Yom Kippur fast at your favorite truck stop.
You invite the Rabbi to give the invocation at the next Mudhop.
You joined a "Conservative" congregation because you like Jerry
Falwell.
You ask your synagogue's Cultural Appreciation Committe to
organize a bus trip to West Virginia.
Your Hebrew vocabulary consists of all the curse worlds used by
Israeli sailors.
You think your synagogue services should conclude with Hatikva and
Dixie.
You're offended when asked to check your gun at the synagogue
office before entering the sanctuary.
Comments
Sailing
If all the midgets came over on shrimp boats then how did the Jews come
over?
Yiddle by Yiddle...
Comments
Jewish Clothing
Q: What's a Jewish sweater?
A: It's what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold.
Comments
Jewish Time
To help their congregation better cope with modern times, one
local synagogue decided to offer a course in time management.
A member telephoned and asked the Rabbi what time it started.
He replied, "Oh... fivish, sixish."
Comments
Jewish or Goyish
I'm Jewish, Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie
Cantor's goyish. B'nai Brith is goyish, Hadassah is Jewish.
If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It
doesn't matter, even if you are Catholic; if you live in New York
City you are Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going
to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
Kool-Aid is goyish. Evaporated milk is goyish even if Jews invented
it. Chocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish. Fruit salad is Jewish.
Lime Jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish.
All Drake's cakes are goyish. Pumpernickle is Jewish and as you know
white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes, goyish. Black cherry
soda's very Jewish, macaroons are very Jewish.
Negroes are all Jew's. Italians are all Jews. Irishmen who have
rejected their religion are Jews. Mouths are very Jewish. And Bosoms.
Baton twirling is very goyish.
Underwear is definately goyish. Celebrate is a goyish word. Observe is
a Jewish word. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are celebrating Christmas with Major
Thomas Moreland, USAF(Ret) while Mr. and Mrs. Bromberg observed Hanukkah
with Goldie and Arthur Schindler from Kiaamesha, New York.
Comments
Optimism?!?!?!?!
Q: How can you tell that Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the
world?
A: They cut it before knowing the final size!
Comments
Smoking and Judaism
The real real difference between the different branches of Judaism
may be seen in the response to a rabbinical ruling outlawing smoking
on the basis of pikuah nefesh. [saving a life]
Reform Jews would ignore the ruling and go on smoking as the ruling
is not binding upon them.
Conservative Jews would stop smoking, but only at home.
Orthodox Jews would sell their lungs to goyim.
Comments
Jewish Grammar Rules
Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks
gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"
Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another
question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"
Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the
other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or
what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About
now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)
Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good
enough for you?"
Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect
object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go
with" (drop "you").
Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that
Esther?"
Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating
that Norman fellow?"
Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the
listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the
Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't
eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?")
Vocabulary:
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for
neurotic.
Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone
mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus
ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started.
"Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac
schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"
Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking
Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the
sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the
same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.
Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a
"sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"
Schmoe--See schmuck.
Schmata--Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that
Esther?"
Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in
conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a
schmaltzy ending?"
Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to
wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not
the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase,
however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)
Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation.
If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're bored.
Practice Question:
You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who
gave that maniac a driver's license?" Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the
United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile
ownership over public transportation to support the automotive
industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since,
most anyone can get a driver's license." Correct answer: "Morons."
Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics.When
shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted
at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the
schmuck who shouldn't feed his children?" The untrained Gentile
simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the
negotiations begin."
Comments
Hilkhot Listserve
(Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings)
Internet Torah:
And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree,
or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall
be great.
Rashi:
Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire
usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few
lines of your own.
Rambam:
It is a precept not to waste bandwidth.This teaches us the value of
brevity. All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well
known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted.
R. Yosef Caro:
One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet
transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the
relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the
right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write. It is
strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines
that are over 80 characters results in herem.
R. Moses Isserles' Mappah:
One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being
an HTML file. It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically
acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in
length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this.
Comments
The Jewish Laws of Television
by Eli D. Clark
Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical Halochoh.
I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even have a
driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a basic
understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting me
in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought to
a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who instilled
in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.
Definition of Television
The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
audio and video signal, with a screen to display the video
transmission and a speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav
Hai Gaon, an electrical supply is part of the definition of
television (a so-called Hai-Definition television).
The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though
it appears to have lacked a remote.
The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
including how to invent a television.
In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.
Owning a Television
It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
authorities. Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that
owning a television involves almost as many Issurim as speaking
Loshon Hora.
Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
have been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is
used as a planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a
television is canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under
the principle of Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on
New Years' Day to a television tuned to the Pros Bowl.
Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
about it.
The Laws of B'rochos
It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say at
the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
time, some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular
program that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying
commercials featuring furry animals, cute children or a talking carton
of milk.
When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond "Omen,"
although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is
recited by a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should
snicker derisively.
The Laws of Kashrus
One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait
six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the
advertisement appears in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is
considered Bottel B'Rov, unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or
Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it is Nosen Tom).
After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
watch an advertisement for Haagen-Daczs, but only if the reception is
fuzzy.
One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for
Bosor B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement
begins, one should immediately cover one's face, turn off the
television and recite some Tehillim.
The Laws of Tefiloh
It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program,
in Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished,
while in Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
It is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman.
In the event the repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite
the B'rocho of She'Osoh Nissim.
Talking During Television Watching
It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is
related to the watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't
Kathie Lee Gifford make you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs.
Nevertheless, it is preferable to refrain from any speech, especially
if the person sitting next to you threatens to "punch your lights
out" if you say another word.
During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during
commercials should do so. The story is told about the mother of a
famous Gadol who was asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah
giant. She said, "I never disturbed my husband during commercials,
and I never paid retail."
The Laws of Shabbos
Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
velvet Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether
it is required that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
(Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing
additional Chilul Shabbos. The following things should be done
(in order of preferability.
If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a
neighbor's house for the duration of Shabbos.
If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes.
Women should tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children
should wrap long strips of cloth over their eyes.
If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and
indirectly ask him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.
The Laws of Pesach
It is very difficult to clean a television for Pesach because of all
the little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities
require that one throw out one's televisions before Pesach and buy
new ones for Pesach.
According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for Pesach
as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing
the screws under the sticker that warns against removing the back of
the television. Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based
cleaner. Finally, to eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the
television gets hot, the entire television set should be immersed
in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R. Blumenkrantz recommends
unplugging the television first.
Comments
The Bank Teller
Q: What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her
customer?
A: You never write. You never call. You only visit
when you need money.
Comments
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by
Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt
Comments
Jewish Mother's Food Definitions
LOX - Salty Smoked Salmon
"If you must smoke let it be fish!"
NOVA - Unsalted Smoked Salmon from Nova Scotia
"I know they must mean Nova Kosher."
BIALY - A Flat Onion Roll
"Eat enough and you get that South Pacific syndrome BIALY HIGH."
BLINTZ - A Jewish Crepe Stuffed with Cheese or Fruit
"Famous in London’s World War II air raids."
SCHMEAR - A Jewish Smear
"So... what else would you do with cream cheese?"
PITAS - Round Flat Bread of Eastern Origin
"Also makes a nice frisbee for grandchildren."
HUMUS - A Vegetable and Chick Pea Puree
"Eat your vegetables or some day they may have to feed you through a tube."
BAKLAVA - A Flaky Nut and Honey Pastry
Mother says, "To me, it’s Greek."
RED ZINGER - A Spicy Tea Made from Herbs, Flowers and Rose Hips
"Rose’s hips - oy vay, already she’s wearing an 8 way stretch girdle."
DR. BROWN’S SODA - A Cream Soda or Black Cherry Soft Drink
"An adult substitute for mother’s milk."
BORSCHT - A Russian Beet Soup Served Cold with a Schmear Sour Cream
"Mother sings as she stirs, "And the beet goes on."
GEMISTE - A Mixture
"A little of this - a schmear of that."
LATKES - Potato Pancakes
"With all that sour cream or applesauce - How bad could it be?"
MATZO BALL - A Delicious Jewish Dumpling Served in Penicillin Soup
Mother says, "Anything is improved by the addition of starch."
PENICILLIN SOUP - Chicken of Course
"Such a cure, we considered serving it with a hypodermic needle rather than
a spoon."
PLOTZ - To Pass Out
"Also where they put you when you do the FINAL pass out."
NOSHES - A Snack or Sliver Between Meals
"Eating should never be restricted to the table, especially where matters of
health are concerned."
"SKIN AND BONES" - Anyone who weighs less than 200 pounds.
"NICE AND HEALTHY" - Anyone who weighs more than 200 pounds.
"JUST A SLIVER" - Any portion of food smaller than a sofa cushion.
"FOR LATER" - A portable nosh - as in "Buy a few JEWISH MOTHER brownies on
your way out for later."
Comments
Jewish Mother's Guilt
A man called his mother in Florida.
He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."
"Why are you so weak?"
"Because I havn't eaten in 38 days."
"Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" the son asked.
His mother paused and answered, "Because i didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
Comments
Jewish Moms and Terrorists
What's a difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist?
With the terrorist, you can negotiate the terms.
Comments
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!
Comments
Jewish Newspapers
As told by Alan Dershowitz
in "The Vanishing American Jew"
There once were two Jews reading their newspapers over a cup of coffee in a
late-nineteenth century Viennese cafe. Kurt is reading the liberal
Yiddish-language newspaper and shaking his head from side to side, uttering
soft moans of "Oy vey" and "Vey is meir." Shmulie is reading the
right-wing anti-Semetic German-language tabloid and smiling.
Kurt, noticing what Shmulie is reading, shouts at his friend, "Why are you
reading that garbage?"
Shmulie responds, "When I used to take your newspaper, all I would ever
read about was Dreyfus beign falsely accused, the Jews of Russia being
subjected to pogroms, anti-Semitic laws being enacted all over Europe, and
the grinding poverty of the Jews in the Holy Land. Now, ever since I take
this paper, I read about how the Jews control the banks, the press, the
arts; how Jews hold all the political power behind the scenes; and how we
will soon take over the world. Wouldn't you rather read such good news
than such bad news?"
Comments
(#1) The dream.
Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist.
"I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed
she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and
couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until
7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight
here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
The psychiatrist kept silent for some
time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
(#2) The beggars.
Two beggars are sitting on the pavement
in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of
David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by,
they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money
in the other guy’s hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat
is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the
men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize
that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in
this country holding a Star of David."
The guy holding the Star of David then
turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying
to teach us Marketing."
(#3) Jewish film titles
Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about
their awful partners.
Girls Interrupted - Women's section
of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the
law on Pesach.
Angela's Kashas - Woman tells all
her secret recipes.
Supernova - Rocket scientists discover
powerful strain of lox.
Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive
during Purim.
Sleepy Halah - It's Friday and dad
fills up on bread then dozes off.
Goys Don't Cry - Rabbi explains
why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa,
then marries another.
Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find
hamentashen filling on the moon
Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken
soup for shabbos.
The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos
finishes at 3am.
(#4) Gourmet food.
Harry was walking down Regent Street and
stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
An impressive salesperson in a smart morning
coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to
buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson,
"You mean smoked salmon."
"OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
"No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then
and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson,
"we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
(#5) The yiddish speaker.
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man
at a bus stop in Golders Green.
She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and
asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"
(#6) Kol Nidre night.
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol
Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals.
Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what
video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape
Kol Nidre"?
(#7) Come & get me!
Isaac and Sarah got married and left on
their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother
Leah.
"Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
"Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon
was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as
soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things
I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into
your car now and come and take me home."
"Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell
your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter
words Isaac used."
"Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell
you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
"But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must
tell me what the 4-letter words were."
Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum,
he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
(#8) Morris, the Samurai.
There once was a powerful emperor who
needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying
he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai
applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed
all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to
demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little
silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly
dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to
demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small
pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and
the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate
why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and
out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh,
whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing
around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and
asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
Morris replied, "A circumcision is never
intended to kill."
(#9) The Inland Revenue.
Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
"It is."
"This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help
us?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know Sam Cohen?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue
rebuilding fund last year?"
"He will!"
(#10) The convert.
Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
He give his first Mass in front of a number
of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new
priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis,"
he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time,
please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
(#11) Jewish Dictionary extracts
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs
as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your
mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on
the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to
eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion
gluttony.
BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives
to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife
at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen
the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly
when.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school,
medical school, or business
school, as seen through the eyes of parents,
grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study
art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient
grounds for diskvellification.)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost
in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one
ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods
during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that
one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence
based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car
pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are
as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo
to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths
to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick
and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's
aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to
Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish
children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity
celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms
salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife
became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when
after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's
lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one
finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner
used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret
is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine
ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John,
Curtis, Davis, or Taylor
(#12) If Microsoft were Jewish:
1. Your PC would shut down automatically
on Friday evenings.
2. Your "Start" button would be replaced
with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant
I should try again?"
4. When disconnecting external devices
from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the
cable ".
5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu,
so play my music already.".
6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during
startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant
I should fix?" message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would
occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its
"monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state,
your PC would go "Schloffen."
11. All computer viruses would be cured
with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would
have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning
"Star of David" in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will
be "Flying Draidles".
15. High capacity DVB's (digital video
bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's
(#13) The school teacher’s prize.
Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final
year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the
Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion,
Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach
some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would
give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever
lived.
Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand,
but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As
she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she
got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the
Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas
Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
Finally, she called on Moishe who still
had his hand in the air.
"I think the greatest man who ever lived
was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the
£50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised
that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe
replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is
business."
(#14) The engagement.
Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon
High Street.
Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may
have a disease called herpes.
Golda says, "Do you have any idea what
this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled
to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as
the herpes goes...who knows?"
"Well," says Golda, "I have a very good
medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls
Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the
gentiles."
(#15) The dog.
Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El
Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in
a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says,
"I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it
and put it in baggage."
Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
During the flight, the stewardess looks
in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot
who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they
will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never
know.
When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to
the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog,
an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
"Why yes it is," the captain tells her.
"See, it has the same markings."
"This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
"How do you know this isn't your dog?"
asks the captain.
"My dog is dead!"
(#16) The thinker.
After months of negotiation, Avraham,
a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and sat down. At
the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at
the young man and thought,
This fellow doesn't look like
a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area.
If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all,
a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only one from our area to be
allowed to travel to Moscow.
Wait - just outside Moscow there is
a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to
go there.
But why would he be going to Samvet?
He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how
many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and
the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting
the Steinbergs.
But why is he going? The Steinbergs
have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which
daughter did he marry?
Sarah married that nice lawyer from
Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be
Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they
have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent
of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special
status.
What could it be? A doctorate from
the University.
At this point Avraham turns to the young man
and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the
startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".
(#17) Seder warning.
Medical experts from London have published
a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped
liver and choroses.
Their research shows that if they do,
it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
(#18) New cheese factory.
Did you hear about the new facility Kraft
Foods is building in Israel?
It’s called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
(#19) Three Jewish Mothers
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a
bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much
their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting
hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th
birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know
the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What
a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know
my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street.
Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
(#20) The Priest And The Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment
on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the
Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork...
but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied,
"I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate.
He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate...
but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what
you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and
there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper
and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
(#21) The old lady.
Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a
crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front
of a seated young girl.
Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says
to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up the seat
to Hetty.
The girl then takes out a fan and starts
to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan."
The girl gives Hetty her fan.
A short while later, Hetty gets up and
says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
The bus driver tells her he has to drop
her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells
the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty
out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that
you have?"
"Chutzpah," Hetty replies.
(#22) The last meal.
Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to
be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which
he is served. He is then executed.
Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which
he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
"Strawberries?"
"Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
"But they are out of season."
"So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
(#23) The package.
Moishe walks into a post office to send
a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is
too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
Moishe replies, "And that should make
it lighter?"
(#24) More riddles.
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite
before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu loch..."
Q: If a doctor carries a black leather
bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
A: A bris kit.
Q: What do you call the steaks ordered
by ten Jewish men?
A: Fillet minyan.
Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece
of matza to make a passover pizza?
A: Matzarello
Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew
who is more than 8 days old?
A: A girl.
Q: What did the waiter ask the group of
Jewish mothers?
A: "Is anything OK?"
Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his
wife Sadie?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take
the change a light bulb?
A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the
dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
(#25) The car driver
Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when
he gets pulled over by a policeman.
Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman
says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles
back."
Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought
I'd gone deaf."
(#26) Are There Jews In China?
Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese
restaurant in London.
"Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any
Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why
don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China.
Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter came by, Moshe asked,
"Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter
replied, and went back to the kitchen.
The waiter returned a few minutes later
and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
"I ask everyone," the waiter replied.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one
ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
(#27) The Jewish advisor.
There once lived a king who had an advisor
called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day
he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel
with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable."
The King accepted their argument and ordered
Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse
and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered
and he grew weak.
Finally Hymie could take it no longer
and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and
a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me."
The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong
about his 'conversion'.
"OK," said the King, "if that's how you
feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with
it. You're too important for me to lose."
On his way back home to tell the news
to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
When he arrived, he called out to his
wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."
Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't
you wait until after Passover?"
(#28) The phone call.
Morris calls his son in New York.
Morris says "Benny, I have something to
tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my
mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
The son is shocked, and asks his father
to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind
is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce
Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I
only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really
don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and
tell her. It will spare me the pain."
"But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything
to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy.
I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision.
I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going
to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything
until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week
is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call
your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear
to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call
from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get
tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the
day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to
talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything
until we both get there."
Morris promises.
After hanging up from his daughter, Morris
turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, they’re coming
for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to
get them here Rosh Hashanah."
(#29) Meeting with the synagogue secretary
Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the
synagogue.
He trudged into the secretary’s office
and sighed, "Shmulik, I’m here."
He sat down. "I have to make arrangements
for my wife’s burial.
"Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Don’t you
remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember.
That was my first wife. I’m here about my second."
"Second wife? Mazel tov! I didn’t know
you remarried."
(#30) Rabbi’s advice
Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
"I need your advice. My wife just gave
birth to a girl"
"Mazeltov."
"Thank you. Can we name the baby after
a relative?"
"According to Jewish custom, you can name
a baby after a departed father, mother, brother …"
"But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
"Oh, I’m terribly sorry to hear that,"
said the Rabbi.
(#31) Make me a Cohen, please
Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform
Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that
it is impossible.
Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000,
but the Rabbi won’t budge. He offers £50,000…then £75,000.
Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches
him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now
you can be a Cohen."
The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for
the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his
face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
But the Rabbi is still troubled and a
little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was
so important to him to be a Cohen.
Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a
Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
(#32) The widow
Becky's husband dies. It was not until
sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful
and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told
some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and
handed me 3 envelopes."
"Becky," he told me, "I have put all my
last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence
and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
"What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends
asked.
"It contained £5,000 with a note,
‘Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin’. So I bought a beautiful
mahogany coffin for him."
"The 2nd envelope contained £10,000
with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I made Sidney a very
dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including
some fine malt whisky."
"And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
"The 3rd envelope contained £25,000
with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. So I did."
Becky then held up her hand and pointed
to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
(#33) Going back to the closet
Howard, a young gay man telephones his
mother.
"Mum, I've decided to go back into the
closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What
do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle
has been very disturbing to you."
She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.
I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish,
mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
"So what's her name?"
"Monica Lewinsky".
There is a pause, then his mother asks,
"What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
(#34) Near to death
Leah had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months.
Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her
bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for
Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me
all through the bad times...
When I got fired from my secretary’s job,
you were there to support me.
When my first hairdressing business failed,
you were there.
When I got knocked down by a car, you
were by my side.
When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed
right here.
When my health started failing, you were
still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling
as his heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
(#35) The garden of Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls
out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided
this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
above.
"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death
of apples."
"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
I shall create a Man for you."
"What's a Man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with
many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all,
he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since
you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things
like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll
also need your advice to think properly."
"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically
raised eyebrow.
"But, what's the catch, Lord?"
"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him
first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."
(#36) The visit to the dentist
One day, Betty goes to her dentist and
asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if I don't
use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
"That's still too expensive," Betty says.
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could
get away with charging you only £20."
"No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
"Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his
head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a
pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose
I could charge you just £10."
"Marvellous," says the woman, "book my
husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
(#37) The genie
Sadie is walking along the beach one day
finds a bottle.
She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped
a genie.
"I will grant you three wishes," said
the genie. "But there is a catch."
"What catch?" Sadie asked.
The genie replied, "Every time you make
a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
"Well, I can live with that! No problem!"
replied the elated Sadie.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
"Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!"
POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Don’t forget, now
your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
my Mercedes," replied the woman.
"Next wish?" "I'd love a million pounds,"
replied the woman.
POOF! One million pounds appeared at her
feet.
"Don’t forget, now your husband Maurice
has TWO million pounds," said the genie.
"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
my million," replied the woman.
"What is your third and final wish?"
The woman thought long and hard, and finally
said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"
(#38) The loan
Issy walks into a central London bank
and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
For collateral, he offers his new Rolls
Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground
garage.
Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns
to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir,
we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned
you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
"Where else in central London could I
park my car for two weeks for £9.41
(#39) The hearing test
Maurice and Sarah were getting old and
Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
He decided to stage a test. One day, as
Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in
a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet
away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
Finally, he moved directly behind her
chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice,
Yes I can!"
(#40) More riddles
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: "I can do better than this."
Q: Who, in history, had the very first
motorcycle?
A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could
be heard all over Israel.
(#41) Adam and Eve
One day, God and Adam were walking in
the Garden of Eden.
God told Adam that it was time to populate
the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
"What’s a kiss?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
a bush and kissed her.
Adam returned with a big smile on his
face and said, "Lord, that was great! What’s next?".
"Now you must caress Eve".
"What’s caress?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
a bush and lovingly caressed her.
Adam returned with a bigger smile and
said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! What’s next?".
"Here is what gets the deed done. Now
I want you to make love to Eve".
"What is make love?", asked Adam.
God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
the bush.
A few seconds later, Adam returned and
asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".
(#42) Five Quickies
Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash
machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you
do with the last £50 I gave you?"
Did you hear about the Jewish family who
kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?
From Israel comes the story of a guide
who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
"That fossil in the glass case over there
is two million and nine years old" he told them.
"How can you date it so precisely?" someone
asked admiringly.
"That’s easy," said the guide. "I’ve been
working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by,
say, "I wish you long life".
(#43) Noah’s ark
"Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood,
I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp,
in glass tanks."
"And this time," says the Lord, "think
big, Eight decks at least."
"I got you," says Noah, "what you want
is a multi-storey carp ark."
(#44) First day
A proud young mother sees off her son
to school on the first day.
"Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful
and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy
loves you very much, baby!
At the end of the day, she’s waiting for
the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his
first day at school?"
"I learned that my name is David."
(#45) Trouble at School
"Hyman, you had better come over here
right away. There has been some trouble with your son."
"Vy, vot’s heppened?"
"I can’t discuss it over the phone, you
had better come."
So Hyman arrives at the school.
"I’m very sorry to tell you but we are
expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
"But vy, vot’s he done?"
"Well, to be quite frank, we found him
playing with his genitals."
"But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some
of my best friends are genitals."
(#46) The accident
Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident
in which Sadie’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't
graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So Maurice
offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on
his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
tuchass.
Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would
tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at Sadie’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she
ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and
on about her youthful beautiful skin!
One day, she was alone with Maurice and
she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice. She said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is
no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling, " he replied, "think nothing
of it. I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss
you on the cheek."
(#47) The schmuck
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck!
You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act
and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And
if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s
second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
(#48) The braggers
Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about
their sons.
Becky says, "My son is very successful.
He is the best lawyer in London."
Sadie says, "My son has done better than
that. He is the best doctor in London."
Hannah says, "My son has not done that
well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these
two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is
the best doctor in London."
(#49) up to (#62) inclusive
Please note that there are no jokes for
these numbers!
Comments
(#63) The car ride
Moshe was at his golf club and went into
the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His
own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift.
My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says,
"Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And
what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts
to ask, "But what's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry,
"I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
(#64) up to (#68)
Please note that there are no jokes for
these numbers!
(#69) The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness
box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years
old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my
question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't
want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question
and only the question."
The defence counsel then got up and said
to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards
Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."
(#70) At the hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair
dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how's that daughter
of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married
a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up
her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because
he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid,
or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in
nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how's your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married
a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out
to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made
him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get
a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get
her a nanny."
(#71) The missing years
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant
and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people
the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise
because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very
wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture
is 5,000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this.
"That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand
years?"
(#72)
No joke allocated
(#73) The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly,
one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and
had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd
waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team
coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards
fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#74) Issy the ventriloquist
Issy had received no work for six months.
So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
His agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists,
but there's plenty of work for psychics."
So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign
outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says,
"I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?"
Issy replies, "If you just talk to him,
£50. If he talks to you, a bit more, £70. But if you talk to
each other while I'm drinking a glass of water, that will be £150."
(#75) Chanukah story
Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks
and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the
dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just
right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a
bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah
gelt.
The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and
rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those
latkes.
To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a
few toys."
With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a
yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus,
kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a
dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his
fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach
gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was
the tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and
salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the
tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply
delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you
later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for
the seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they
came,
as he whistled and shouted and called
them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now
Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a
good night."
(#76) Three wishes
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president
were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked
the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they
replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately
after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to
give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted
to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers
replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to
sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting
two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers
asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."
(#77) The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its
name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a
replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave
lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate
the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their
milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to
mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to
mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all
day.
In desperation, the people asked their
rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our
cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and
vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you
buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise.
We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
(#78) The dry cleaners
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he
takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners.
They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the
tallis and an invoice for £50.
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small
tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to
clean the tallis, fourty five pounds to take out all those knots!"
(#79) The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome.
While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to
talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does
such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well
worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to
see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone.
"I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the
chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked,
"the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From
here it's just a local call."
(#80) and (#81)
No jokes allocated
(#82) The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into
a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly
neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi
Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must
be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with
you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's
another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't
break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and
passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands
it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having
any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police,"
says Rabbi Bloom.
(#83) The wedding
Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
"It's so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela.
Tell me, what's new?"
"I'm getting married, grandma."
"My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful.
Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
"Well, they're not like our people, grandma,
they're native Americans."
"So, they are first generation."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. They
live on a reservation."
"Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn't
cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. We
are getting married in a teepee."
"Oh, that's nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
"But grandma, I have to tell you that
you won't be able to come to the wedding."
"But why Sammela, your grandma has to
be at your wedding?"
"I'm sorry, but only native Americans
and persons with Indian names can attend."
"Well, then, I will be there."
"How grandma, you don't have an Indian
name."
"Yes Sammela, I do."
"What, grandma, what's your Indian name?"
"Sitting Shiva."
(#84) riddle
Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and then
begs the court for mercy - because he's an orphan.
(#85) Memories
Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83,
who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
"Moishe, I'm not the same any more. I
can't remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But
I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something
that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it
called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait!
Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose,
Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?"
(#86) JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to
attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni.
POB 77.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired
senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing.
Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both
Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for
the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.
POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys
Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB
90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to
meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate,
seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
POB 843.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write. POB 74.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB
53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite
frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
POB 655.
(#87)
No joke allocated
(#88) The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next
president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.
He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the
inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been
elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains.
I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train.
Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes.
Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher
food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White
House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take
you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the
front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become
the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and
says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
(#89) A matter of life and death
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers
on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest
grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you
survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about
me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."
(#90) The builder
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific
and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.
Many year's later, when a search party
finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues
on his tiny island.
"Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks
Benny.
Benny points to the nearest one and replies,
"That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside
if you paid me!"
(#91) The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up.
"I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've
only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had
sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have
any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor
his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife,"
said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during
the final illness."
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and
with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked
the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
"It'll seem longer."
(#92) The theft
Did you hear about the thieves that broke
into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars
in pledges!
(#93) How you can tell...
How you can tell that the person next
to you has not been to synagogue too often?
1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the
minister is talking?"
3. "I get the standing and the sitting
bit, but when do we kneel?"
4. "Does your prayer book have writing
in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
5. "Why do people keep coming in even
after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
6. "Do people always get up and walk out
just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
7. "This food after the service is really
good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only
took a little at a time?"
8. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler
on the Roof'."
9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
10. "You there, slow down, you're getting
ahead of the soloist!"
11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress
circle?"
12. "You'd think nobody has ever seen
a mobile phone."
13. "It's show time! They're opening the
curtains."
14. "Pardon me, but you have some string
hanging down from your scarf."
15. "The boy can't be more than 12 or
13 - and they let him read?"
16. "When do they take up the collection?"
(#94) Interview Question
There were four people who were in the
final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian,
one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company
decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the
president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants,
and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough
money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day,
he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that
he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question
the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the
Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the
fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That
would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it
is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank
you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the
Catholic woman.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have
to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a
blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked
her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest
thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied,
"I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and
immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good,"
replied the president.
Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was
asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would
have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why
do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was
lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"
(Bernie got the job....)
(#95) Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday.
As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty
said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn.
'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they
got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, they
asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument
between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See,
didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac
gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."
(#96) A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of
a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street.
He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the
street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns
it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able
to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed
by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop
and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets
£50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees
a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes
in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his
wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's
hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started
winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet
on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau
is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the
winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
(#97) Bernie
While leading the Friday evening services,
the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a
St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the
service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling
around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would
call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog.
The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis
(and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for
a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed
with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
Comments
(#98) Job search
My first job was working in an orange
juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they
gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming
pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I
finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in
it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT
FIT FOR THE JOB!
(#99) My Yiddishe Momma
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB
WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other,
do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come
out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of
OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back
of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach
is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MUM!
(#100) The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe,
a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have
exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet
and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two
sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny,
"but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they
were mine!"
(#101) Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the
earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.
One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they
invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to
go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the
experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile
on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing.
I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely
dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis
was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said,
"Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every
few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin,
off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
(#102) Henry's big problem
Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to
collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry,
but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples
to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we
don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation
is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs
Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you
do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical
insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says
Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor
recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting
next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac
and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might
you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where
did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two
miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school
did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva
University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert.
Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding
up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva
University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar,
sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his
head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg
twins are drunk again."
(#104) Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to
show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into
the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running
and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open,
tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the
couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch
and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the
dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all
the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that
expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's
dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore.
You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't
remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
(#105) A serious chat With Mum
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having
a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've
sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house
is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner
tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy,
"Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house
and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know
who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband
David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this
0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the
wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"
(#106) Riddles
Q. What's the name of a face lotion
developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vay
Q. What is the technical term for
a divorced Jewish woman?
A. "Plaintiff."
Q. What does a Jewish woman do to
keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A. Nothing, nothing at all.
Q. What's a Jewish woman's idea of
natural childbirth?
A. No make up whatsoever.
(#107)
No joke allocated
(#108) The visit
Becky's grandson and his wife are coming
to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to
her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders
Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the
front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button
32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With
your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am
I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
(#109)
No joke allocated
(#110) Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father
to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so
he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers
were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes
and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put
your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I
my brother's kipah?"
(#111) The Tailor
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and
sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical
little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is
that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have
come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You
sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I
mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's
different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's
annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
(#112) Oy Vey!
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge
in a house in Hendon.
Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about
the children already. Let's get back to the game."
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi.
"I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught
him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the
Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so
what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny.
"I make men's clothes."
(#114) Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted
to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him,
"I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God
to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime,
Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy
that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed,
Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase,
says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and
suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right.
You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents
before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect
the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?"
(#115) Watch that door!
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to
England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He
brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted
but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs
on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher
mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't
put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely
to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the
decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the
job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those
little boxes and left them on the table for you."
(#116)
No joke allocated
Comments
(#117) Adam’s payment
After Adam was created, there he was,
all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
Of course it wasn't good for him to be
all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
"Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make
you much, much happier.
I'm going to give you a companion, a help
mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone
who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel
wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
"Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But
it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to
cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," said
Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
(#118) The confessions
Three friends were at the bar talking,
and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit
something they have never admitted to anyone.
Okay," says Peter, "I've never told anybody
I'm a gay!"
John confesses, "I'm having an affair
with my boss's wife."
Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell
you...."
"Don't be shy," said Peter and John.
Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."
(#119) The most famous person
Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants.
One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and
declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and
replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you
can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I
bet you don't know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very
often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are
friends."
Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so
he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna
personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what
a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon
there. But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just
have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!"
said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA.
We always talked by phone."
Martin almost lost his cool and decided
that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as
soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see
a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened
to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!"
and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's
have a talk."
Martin was bewildered – he couldn't believe
it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody
in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The
Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when
he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of
thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his
lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms
and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there,
looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The
Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin
was lying.
When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what
had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and
finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the
Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the
middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed
all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"
(#120) The designer
Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools,
and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation
as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start
his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President
of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company
to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously
excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into
building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific
on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster
struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the
fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned
the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the
wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask
God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked
him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to
do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets
the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall
off."
Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for
his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he
had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do.
On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly
above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next
test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell
the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never
doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes
would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old
man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah
broken on the perforation!"
(#121) The slalom
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible.
Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world,
and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The
crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer
when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which
of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#122) The Indian holiday
Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London,
goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
"Why India? It's filthy, very hot, and
it's filled to the brim with Indians. It's a long journey, and those trains,
how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for
you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables.
You'll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows.
What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why
torture yourself?"
"I want to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and
off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell
and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-
ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells
her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the
guru.
"That's okay."
Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed
portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She
is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready
to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches
the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three
words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not
prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her
arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home."
(#123) The confession
Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts
the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married
for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go
to confession, old man?"
Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man
such as myself go to confession?"
The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish,
why then are you telling me this story?"
Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"
(#124) Jewish Quickies
Q: Why do Jewish men die before their
wives?
A: They want to.
Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
A: Because they are worth it.
Q: Why don’t Jews drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering.
Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst
waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head
and asked, “Are you comfortable?”
Moshe replied, “I make a nice living.”
(#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea,
chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So
where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard,
payos. Seeks same in woman.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.
No personality.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush
after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for
your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again?
(I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome,
virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you
can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain
climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who
got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
(#126) The son-in-law
Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to
be, Benjy.
He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy
my boy, what do you do?"
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Benjy, you are going to marry my
daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
"But you will have children, how will
you educate them?" asks Issy.
"No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
and it says God will provide."
When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously
asks him what Benjy is like.
"Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy.
I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
(#127) Home, sweet home
Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly
Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him
to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
The loving sons did as he asked, brought
him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a
few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly,
take me back to Edgware."
The sons were somehow disappointed and
asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and
be buried in Jerusalem!'
"Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK
but to live here....!?"
(#128) How he got his job
David has done well for himself and is
Mayor of a small town in Israel.
One day, David and his wife Andrea are
walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers
stops and calls out
"What's new, Andrea?"
"Why, it's nice to see you again Avi,"
Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker,
and they speak for several minutes.
After David and Andrea continue on, he
turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
"Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same
high school. I even thought about marrying him."
David began to laugh. "You don't realise
how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife
of a construction worker!"
Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not
really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"
(#129) What's in a name?
Sam is a nice young man who has fallen
in love with a girl he has just met.
When Sam tells his father about her, the
father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the
girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name
and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
Time passes and Sam finds another girl.
Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with
a nice Jewish name.
More time passes and Sam finds another
girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the
girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me
very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established
family."
Then his father asks, "Is her first name
one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
"No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
(#130) The waiter
Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful
Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them
if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin
and Morris are dumbfounded.
"My God, where did he learn such perfect
Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager,
an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter
learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans over
to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching
him English."
(#131) Tickets, anyone?
Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler
on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
Somehow, they've been lucky and manage
to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty
seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat
in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and
asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand,
we were wondering why that seat is empty."
The woman says, "That's my late husband's
seat."
Freda is horrified and apologises for
being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
"Without meaning to be rude or anything,
this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend
or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
The woman nods, but explains, "They're
all at the shiva."
(#132) The Jewish Olympics
If you read through the list of the events
taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah
Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of
particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
(1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault
competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting
the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered
a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy,"
such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or,
the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
(2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place
in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what
do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
(3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the
Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe.
Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application
of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum.
Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher
SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
(4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple:
to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of
matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to
the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will
be used in the shot put competition.
(5)Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will
involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must
cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating
this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If
the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified,
but will still be required to run the marathon.
(6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes,
the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches
of the chanukiah.
(7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper
that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount
of time will be declared winner.
(8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl
must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is
the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
(9)Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics,
this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks
on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three
C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the
"three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
(#133) The Jewish dog
Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
The shammas comes up to him and says,
"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
"What do you mean," says Nathan, "this
is a Jewish dog. Look."
And the shammas looks carefully and sees
that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas,
"absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get
him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
"You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants
to be a marketing manager."
(#134) The big squeeze
The local pub was so sure that its barman
was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000
bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass
and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more
drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came
into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
Hyman went up to the barman and said in
a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the
barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman
clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the barman paid
the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional
strong man, or what?"
Hyman replied, "No. I’m not, I work for
the Jewish National Fund."
(#135) Flying High
Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple,
are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly,
over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning,
and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news
is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate
our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted -
I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never
be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if
not for the rest of our lives."
Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine,
dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies
paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for
the Kol Nidre appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
(#136) Going For A Drive
Sam was driving down the road and gets
pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your
wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank goodness -
I'd thought I'd gone deaf."
(#137) Hello
- Hello, that's you, Abe?
- Yes, dis is Abe...
- It doesn't sount like Abe
- Vell, dis is Abe all right.
- You're positive it's Abe?
- Absolutely.
- Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you
lend me feefty punds?
- Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you
called...
(#138) The rowing crew
Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided
to put together a rowing team.
Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better
than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand
any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University
team.
So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid
in the bullrushes off the river from where he carefully watched the
Oxford team as they practised.
Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
"I have figured out their secret," he
announced.
"They have eight guys rowing and only
one guy shouting."
(#139) Two little boys talking
“I'm getting operated on tomorrow”
“Oh? What are they going to do?”
“Circumcise me!”
“I had that done when I was just a few
days old.”
“Did it hurt?”
“I couldn't walk for a year.”
(#140) Madame Freda
For months, Leah had been nagging her
husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
"Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and
she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to
them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril,
for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
Cyril could not resist and at the next
seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table,
holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance,
was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that
with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat
and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
"Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your
Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
"Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba.
We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
Cyril asks his zaida many questions and
his zaida answers each, until -
"So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels
are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn
to speak English?"
(#141) Sir Chicken Matthews
A Sunday League Jewish football team is
desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced
to play a kosher chicken in their team.
Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a
brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next
its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
At half time all its team-mates are very
pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the
way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
"Great first half mate, you must be really
fit".
"Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to
keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour
in the gym each morning before work".
"What do you do then?" asked the referee.
"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the
chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card
and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref.
and start complaining.
"Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I
had no choice - Professional Fowl"
(#142) The Doctor
Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check
up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some
bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he
replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't
afford to pay your bill."
"Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you
a year to live."
(#143) Giving to charity
Leah gives 50p to her daughter Sarah.
The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin.
Wondering what she had done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 50p
I gave you, darling?"
"I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
"Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow
you will have £1."
The next day, true to her word, Leah gives
Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the
coin.
"What did you do with the £1?"
"Oh, today I saw the same old woman,"
begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
go to fifth set
Comments
(#144) The Headache.
Sadie goes to see
her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and
talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden,
Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache
is gone!"
To which the rabbi
replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
(#145) The rumpus
Maurice has a business
appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points
to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice
settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However,
he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus
coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice
goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's
a partners' meeting."
"But why are they
shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of
wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who
is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
(#146) The flight
Moishe was on a
flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl,
really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing
in NY?"
"I'm finishing my
Ph.D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of
which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the
conclusion?"
"The two groups
are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you,
my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"
(#147) The deal
Joseph had just
passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they
could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and
said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school
grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month
Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of
the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph,
I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph
waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi
replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
(#148) Telling
the future
Bush was very curious
about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called
the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they
came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas.
They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray,
and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'.
When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit
of news."
Bush wanted to see
this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to
read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue
on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh,
don’t talk now, Bush is coming."
(#149) Three sons
Three sons left
England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they
met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built
a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent
her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You
remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very
well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All
mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards,
a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house
you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain
in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
(#150) The operation
The dentist told
Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do
you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his
head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
(#151)
No joke allocated
(#152) The impossible
wish.
Tony Blair was on
holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he
got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving
out one wish. So...what'll it be?"
Tony didn't hesitate.
He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting
with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked
at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war
for years! I'm good, but I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done.
So make another wish."
Tony thought for
a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are
beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone
trust me more. That's my wish."
The Genie thought
for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
(#153) The Rabbi's
Advice.
Abe goes to see
his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked,
"What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My
wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very
surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the
Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says,
"Yes."
"Take the poison,"
says the Rabbi.
(#154) Saved by
the bear?
Solomon is out in
the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon
runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave.
But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave
and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma
Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he
opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his
eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky
am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're
mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's
prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
(#155) Quickies
Q: What's the definition
of chutzpah?
A: A boy who
kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.
Q: What's a Jewish
Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent
Cross Shopping Centre.
(#156) The two
sons
Bette and Freda
were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail
sentences.
Bette says: "Oy,
my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never
speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and
he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well,
mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time
in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
"Oy," says Bette,
"You must get such naches from Jacob."
(#157) The 10
commandments
The Hebrew people
were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among
them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had
been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around
its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling
down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the
waiting mass.
The end of day was
approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came
through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy
load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his
load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work
and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible
argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The
good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is:
Adultery is still in."
(#158) The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish
astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My
mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during
the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must
make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called
and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."
(#159) RSVP.
Avrahom and Betty
were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class
wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son,
the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom
good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the
problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the
shop.
"Darling, I've figured
it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
(#160) Is sex
work?
A priest, a minister
and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
The priest says,
"It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says,
"It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I'm
not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone
to come in and do it for her."
(#161) We want
to get divorced
91-year-old Monty
and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.
Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both
so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We
were just waiting for the children to die."
(#162) The joke
David is telling
a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie
were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi
interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your
jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic
group for once will you David!"
So David starts
again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar
Mitzvah...."
(#163) The visit
to Mars.
Two astronauts make
the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face
with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make
contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"They look pretty
primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into
the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The
Martians look interested.
"I think it's working
- light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut
turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians
turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the
first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the
Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men,
frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"
(#164) The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman
friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is
eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes
time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts
McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the
headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered
in alley."
(#165) Jews in
China
Sid and Al were
sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al,
"Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know,"
Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter
came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir,
let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly
returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?"
Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still
gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people
are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter
returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really
sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone,"
the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato
jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
(#166)
No joke allocated
(#167) Sabbath
Violator.
Morris and Lenny
are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds
past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing
his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny,
"I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at
him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute,"
Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side
of the Story', about the command to judge other people favourably? I'll
bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick
and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was
running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his
wife's having a baby."
"She had one last
week."
"Well, maybe he
needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's
running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he
need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is
a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he
forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows
it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk
Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really
observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not
notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
(#168) A stay
in hospital
Rabbi Levy had to
spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who
was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the
crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly,
"Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled
Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
(#169) A Jewish
Mother's Letter.
Dear Darling Son
and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well.
Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe
or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands
of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds
in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows
their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much
for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll
stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so
Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would
have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never
let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid
surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time
for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last
week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since
they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take
every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
-- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love, Mum
(#170) The Old
Man
Arnold had reached
the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around
and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got
to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten
about me and I don't want to remind him."
(#171) Saving
Money
Abe's son arrived
home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be
so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all
the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10."
(#172) Moishe
Cohen
Walking through
London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the
sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?"
he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop
and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers,
"Is name of owner."
The tourist asks,
"Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here,"
replies the old man.
"You? How did you
ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says
the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand
in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
Poland.
Lady look at him
and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe
Cohen.'
Then she look at
me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
(#173) A Good
Read
Abe is sitting on
a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best
friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing
reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The
Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems
in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about
good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews
control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
Better to read nothing but good news!"
(#174) The plaque
One Saturday morning,
the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that
hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small
British flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi,"
replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is
this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's
a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood
together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely
audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
(#175) Shadchen
1
A shadchen, having
sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect
to see her.
Cyril took one look
at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?"
asked the shadchen.
"You said she was
young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she
was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely,
but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have
to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
(#176) Shadken
2
A shadken goes to
see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies,
"I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds,
"But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken
approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter
is too young to marry."
"But this young
man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken
goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young
man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have
more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young
man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
(#177) God’s Email!
One day God was
looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided
to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned,
he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad
and 5% was good.
God thought a moment
and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of
view.
When the female
angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and
5% was good.
God thought about
what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that
were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them,
something to help keep them going.
Do you know what
the e-mail said?....
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
No???
/
/
/
/
/
/
/...
Oh! YOU didn't get
one either.
(#178) Hagbah!
In their infinite
wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul.
With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints
in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again.
He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course -
push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later,
he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks
up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While
the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just
in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says,
"What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies,
"Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
(#179) Abe and
Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe
one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses
at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money
already."
"How can I get into
it, Moishe?"
"Well, I have a
horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll
let you have it for £120,000."
Abe agreed and gave
Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
Three days later,
Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The
horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe
runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's
new?"
"Umm, things are
well. And with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not
upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe.
In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It
was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle.
I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner
upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so,
I gave him back his £5!"
(#180) Exclusive
Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging
Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only
Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy
for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked,
his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer.
O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him
to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after
playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he
hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My
name is Goldberg."
"What do you do
for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm
a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always
wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant.
Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to
tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
Comments
(#181) Bagels
A German comes to London and stays with
Maurice and his family.
The first morning they all have breakfast
together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels
like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who's
fault is that?"
(#182) Can You Spare A Penny?
A man walked to the top of a hill to talk
to God.
The man asked, "God, what's a million
years to you?"
And God said "A minute."
Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million
pounds to you?"
And God said: "A penny"
Then the man asked: "God.....can I have
a penny?"
And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
(#183) Politics
Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation
is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world.
Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds
a special session to come up with a solution.
After several hours of talk without progress
one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've
got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're
nuts! That's crazy!"
"Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare
war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats
a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports,
schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid.
Our problems would be over.
"Sure," says Benny, another minister,
"that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
(#184) The confession
Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other
Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows
more about things than your rabbi!"
To which David replies, "Of course he
does, you tell him everything."
(#185) Jewish employment
"My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
"My son," says Sadie, "is president of
an insurance company."
"My son," says Becky, "is the head of
a law firm and president of the Law Society."
"My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
"A rabbi? What kind of career is that
for a Jewish boy?"
(#186) All we ever seem to hear is Jewish
jokes so here are two gentile jokes
Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear
department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £500."
Patrick says, "OK, I'll take it."
Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know
you 're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come
up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
(#187) Jewish logic.
Hymie says to Bernie, “Listen, why do
we need this letter M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
Bernie says, “But there is no M in ‘Yitzhak’!”
Hymie replies, “No, I mean what if we
insert it there?”
Bernie says, “But why do we need to insert
M in ‘Yitzhak’?”
And Hymie then says, “But that's exactly
what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word ‘Yitzhak’?”
(#188) Jewish Mothers
Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be
buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
A: To be sure her daughter would visit
her twice a week.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
say to her customer?
A: You never write, you never call and
you only visit me when you need money.
Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when
her daughter told her she was having an affair?
A: Who's doing the catering?
Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers
smoke?
A: Gefiltered.
Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
by Jewish Mothers?
A: Guilt.
Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good
parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
(#189) You Never Listen
Sarah comes home from her long stay in
Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting
the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so
thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
Tell me all about what you were doing."
Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
"Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could
you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where
is he?"
"He's waiting outside while I tell you."
"What are you talking about? Bring him
in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
Sarah brings him in and to her consternation,
Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered
cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall
spear.
Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot.
I said RICH doctor!"
(#190) All In A Days Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging
about their children.
Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first
class honours degree from Oxford and he's now a doctor making £250,000
a year in Harley Street."
Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first
class honours degree from Cambridge and he's now a lawyer making half a
million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school,
never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working
as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "So what's a
sports repairman?"
Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches,
rugby matches, cricket matches....."
(#191) Last Wish
Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe,
are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start
getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can
each have one last wish.
"What's your last request?" he asks Chuck,
an American.
"I'd like a steak," he replies.
So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve
Chuck with his steak.
"What do you want?" the cannibal chief
asks Thomas, a Londoner.
"I'd like to smoke my cigar," which they
let him do.
Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What's
your last wish?"
"I want you to kick my bum."
"Be serious," says the chief.
"Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
"OK," says the chief and delivers the
requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other
cannibals while the rest run away.
Chuck and Thomas are furious.
"Why didn't you do that in the first place
so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they ask Abe.
Abe replies, "Are you mad? If I had done
that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
(#192) Bad Attitude Parrot
David received a parrot for his birthday.
This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the
least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came
to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse.
He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David
put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened
that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you
every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
David was astounded at the bird's change
in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
(#193) The Donations
Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the
Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation
last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year.
The synagogue Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able
to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?"
he asked.
"It is very simple. First you ensure all
windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your
usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on
a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to
the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as
suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage
of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying
mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was
becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the
floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
go to seventh set
Comments
(#194) The dinner date
Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to
go out to dinner.
Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says
to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I
put on the Gucci outfit?”
“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.
Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear
my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”
“Who gives a damn?” says Shlomo.
Yetta then says to Shlomo “Darling, shall
I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?”
To which Shlomo responds “Hey, if you
don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird
Special!”
(#195) The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the
street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see
a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET £20.’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s
going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of
doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo,
I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into
the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your £20?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that
all you people think of?”
(#196) The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking
for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely
disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says,
“You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew
four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”
(#197) Differences between Jewish Men
and Women.
• Women have more imagination than men.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have
only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either
eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2
for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a
£2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs
are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish
women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever
necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first
love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's
last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must
understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a
man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women
marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until
she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory
of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory
of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't
understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a
man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having
her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single
men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes
– it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that
a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good
the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make
great pets.
(#198) Commitment
Most men fantasise in having a relationship
with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a
woman means giving up his fantasy.
Most women fantasise in having a relationship
with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment
to a man means achieving her fantasy.
Conclusion: commitment means
that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
(#199) The Saucer
Roberto is an art connoisseur and one
day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front
of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the
saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into
the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty
and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my
offer to £10."
"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed
the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind
throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's
my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
(#200) Competition
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls
up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles
at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got
a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over
and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got
a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen,
have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says,
"Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got
a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately
drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in
the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb
bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the
Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows
fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo
stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
David stated arrogantly.
"Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me
out of the shower to tell me this?"
(#201) Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters
in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he
wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I
can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the
early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims
"Penis Van Lesbian."
"'S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies
the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have
to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but
steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe.
"Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man
replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis
Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual
medical records from Israeli hospitals...
• Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid
heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better
and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his
pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
• The patient's past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset
of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema
at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of
good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around
the room.
(#203) The Lucky Frog
Abe lives in Tel Aviv. One day, he takes
the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Abe thinks nothing of
it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". Abe looks around
and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." And then Abe realises
that the frog is doing the talking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He
hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow,
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit.
Lucky frog." Abe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" Abe asks. "Ribbit.
3 wood." Abe takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Abe is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say ..
By the end of the day, Abe has golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Abe says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, Abe
asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black
6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
Abe figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. Abe takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
Kiss Me." Abe figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room."
(#204) Men's Guide to Women
* Single women complain that all good
men are married,
* All married women complain about their
lousy husbands.
Conclusion: There is no such thing
as a good man.
(#205) THE JEWISH RULES
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any
time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows
all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to
a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did
or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must
apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an
apology.
• The female may change her mind at any
time.
• The male must never change his mind
at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the
woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry
or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times,
unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances,
let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are
null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman
is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women
will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women's
time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at
all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the
female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her
character.
(#206) The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood
up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;
same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat
on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When
he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife,
Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called -- you left
your wheelchair there again."
(#207) New Career
Moishe came home from work one day to
find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed.
Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, "I'm going to
Las Vegas."
Moishe questioned her as to why she was
going, and Yvonne told him "I just found out that I can make £1,000
a night doing what I give you for free." Moishe pondered that for a while,
went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and
his wife.
Yvonne said, "And just where do you think
you are going?"
Moishe replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" She asked.
Moishe said, "I want to see how you are
going to live on £1,000 a year."
(#208) The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells
his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says
the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish
husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you
want a speaking part!!"
(#209) Riddles
Q: Why is it so important for the groom
at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it's probably the last time
he'll put his foot down.
Q: What do you call a Jewish man who's
lost 80% of his brain?
A: A widower!
(#210) The Jewish husband
Moishe is talking to one of his friends.
“My wife Bettie will never have to work.
All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”
His friend said “That’s nice to hear,
I am sure she appreciates you”.
“Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moishe.
“Bettie thinks I’m too nosy. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary,
anyway.”
(#211) Jewish Marriage advice
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They
may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”
go to eighth set
Comments
(#212) The special award
Maurice had worked most of his life helping
his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his
unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided
to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
But his elation soon turned to dismay
when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night
of Pesach. “What on earth should I do”, thought Maurice, “should I attend
ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest
honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace.
“The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret
it”, they told him.
His next worry was what to say to the
Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to
her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
Come the special day. There was Maurice,
on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with
her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst
out with “Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh”.
The Queen looked at Prince Philip with
a surprised expression on her face and said to him “Why is this knight
different from all other knights?”
(#213) Mind reader
My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest
and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
I convinced him that he needed to take
a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was
still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get
lucky.
As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he
struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian
and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
He took out a pencil and a notebook and
drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for
a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner
he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs,
drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite
late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.
Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day
remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was
in the furniture business.
(#214) The Screams
Three men are discussing their previous
night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all
over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for
five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my
wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's
body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others
say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs.
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
(#215) You can't hide the truth
Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda
over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but
keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship
between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over
the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started
to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.
Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking,
mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Debbie said to Henry
"Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he
sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did"
take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Henry received a letter
from his mother, which read:
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie.
But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mum
Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish
mother.
(#216) Quickies
Q: How do Jewish wives get their children
ready for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium
pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but
she doesn't really care.
Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.
It's one of life's mysteries - how
a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.
Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish
woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
The trouble with some Jewish women is that
they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
(#217) The chosen ones
And Moses said unto the lord, "We are
your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
(#218) The eggs
Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house
when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave
it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got
the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked
her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had
a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time
I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.
(#219) Good advice
Jeremy warned his son against marrying
a 'shiksa.'
The son replied, "But she's converting
to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa
will cause problems."
After the wedding, Jeremy called the son,
who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we
always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the
son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
"See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying
a shiksa would cause problems."
(#220) The caterer
The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his
father's bedside. His father is near death.
Father: "Son."
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is
your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could
just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a
piece?"
Son: "OK, Dad."
(Son leaves and walks toward kitchen.
After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
Father: "Is that you son?"
Son: "Yes Dad."
Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
Son: "No Dad."
Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for
after the funeral."
(#221) The special order
Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a
cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite
in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy
a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to
the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
Abe says "OK."
The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am
by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping
load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of
his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig
with a bill for £12,000.
Craig starts yelling and screaming at
Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from
the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What
do you have to say for yourself?"
Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in
Poland."
(#222) Moishe the Cowboy
In the early 1800's, Moishe had to go
to Omaha on business.
He went to the stagecoach office and asked,
"How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too
much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!".
"Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n,
I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you
could do sumtink for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk.
"We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun."
"Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
"No, No! You don't understand!" said the
clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and
if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
"Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't
never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
"Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian;
you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and
get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
So Moishe climbed up with the driver and
off they rode into the prairie.
About 3 hours into the trip, the driver
asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
"Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far
away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who
then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and
forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should
I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too
far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and
once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still
see 'em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and this
time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks
dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still
too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
Well, this same continued every few hours
for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still
saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading
his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian
now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now
you can shoot 'em!"
Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah,
I couldn' shoot'em." "Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded
the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and held
his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could
I shoot 'em? I've known him ince he was dis big!"
(#223) Quasimodo Levy - 1
Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to
retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new
bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for
the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer,
said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove
he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when
Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and
charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through
the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses
crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring
the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped
and plunged over the parapet to his death.
The townspeople were aghast and one called
out, "who was that man?"
Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don't know
but his face rings a bell."
(#224) Quasimodo Levy - 2
Unfortunately, this still left the church
without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless
man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man's
brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother,
declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position
and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally).
The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother
charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow
tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running
into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato
- hire him, hire him!!”
Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time
to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the
same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was
to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and
asked, "who was that man?"
Replied Quasimodo Levy, "I don't know,
but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
(#225) Jewish Men's Rules
• Anything we said six or eight months
ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after
seven days.
• If we say something that can be interpreted
in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
way.
• Let us ogle. If we don't look at other
women how can we know how pretty you are?
• Don't rub the lamp if you don't want
the genie to come out.
• You can either ask us to do something
OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
• Whenever possible, please say whatever
you have to say during the commercials.
• Christopher Columbus didn't need directions
and neither do we.
• Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut
blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
• When we're turning the wheel and the
car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is
not necessary.
• Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective
than deceived.
(#226) Noah's ark
And the Lord said unto Noah, “Where is
the ark which I have commanded thee to build?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Verily,
I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let
me down – yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon
12 months. What can I do, O Lord?”
And the Lord said unto Noah, “I want that
ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.”
And Noah said, “It will be so.”
And it was not so. And the Lord said unto
Noah, “What seemeth to be the trouble this time?”
And Noah said unto the Lord, “Mine sub-contractor
hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside
and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on
strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath
formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.”
And the Lord grew angry and said, “And
what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have
ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the
earth?”
And Noah said, “They have been delivered
unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.”
And the Lord said, “How about the unicorns,
and the fowls of the air by sevens?”
And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying,
“Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love
nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord,
Thou knowest how it is.”
And the Lord in his wisdom said, “Noah,
my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend
upon the earth?”
(#227) A sign of prosperity
Maurice started his very own business,
which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man.
One day, his bank manager rang him and said, “Maurice, I have a query on
one of your recent cheques. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years,
you've been signing all cheques with two X’s but this one is signed with
three X’s. Is it yours?”
Maurice replied, “Yes, it is. Since I've
become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.”
(#228) Latest inventions from Chelm
· A water-proof towel
· Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
· A solar powered torch
· A book called ‘how to read’
· Water-proof tea bags
· A pedal-powered wheel chair
· A full index for a dictionary
(#229) Short summary of every Jewish
holiday
They tried to kill us.
We won.
Let's eat.
(#230) The Jewish diamond ring
A businessman boarded a plane and sat
next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning
diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
"This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah
said, "it's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr Egoheimer."
(#231) The Arab and the little old Jewish
man
An Arab was walking through the Sahara
desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting
at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst,
can I have some water?".
Hymie replied "I don't have any water,
but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie,
I need water."
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you
what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4
miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water
you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards
the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling
back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles
over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right.
But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
(#232) The Bush
George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby
and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white
beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some
stone tablets under the other arm.
George Bush approached the man and inquired,
"Aren't you Moses."
The man ignored George and stared at the
ceiling.
George Bush positioned himself more directly
in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and
asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
The man finally responded in an irritated
voice, "Yes I am".
George asked him why he was so uppity
and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty
years in the desert".
(#233) The Japanese tourist
A tourist from Japan is walking the streets
of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without
success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me.
Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
"You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"
(#234) At the tavern
Abe walks into the local tavern and sees
his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and
yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
Moishe spun around quickly and whispered,
"Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"
(#235) The Jewish mother
The remarkable thing about my mother is
that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original
meal has never been found.
(#236) Mealtime
It was mealtime during a flight on El
Al.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant
asked Moishe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
(#237) The Israeli archaeologist
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev
Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare
occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe,
the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old
mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check
it out."
A week later, the amazed Abe called the
archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of
death. How in the world did you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his
hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
(#238) The Israeli worker's union
Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing
a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
"Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on
a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd.
"We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
"Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
"We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
"Hooray!"
"We have a 150% pay rise."
"Hooray!"
"We will only work on Wednesdays."
Silence...then a voice from the back asks,
"Every Wednesday?"
(#239) The storm
It was a terrible night, blowing cold
and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the
local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through
the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled
in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to
the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels?
Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered Bernie, "One
for me and one for Bernice."
"Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my
mother would send me out on a night like this?"
(#240) Getting Old
God grant me the senility to forget the
people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that
I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow
up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still
have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and
All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my
body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
It is easier to get older than it is to
get wiser.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could
use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to
your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would
have put them on my knees.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're
everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a
grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
what I'm here after.
go
to nineth set
Comments
(#241) Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day
when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If
you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein
immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry
but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m
happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.” The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the
world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem,
because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for
me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked
to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr
Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what's mine
is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third
wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches.
Don't mess with them.
(#242) A very important question
Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
One day in June, he goes on holiday with
his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore
on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages
and interests between them.
Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah
what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything,
all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love
me, Sarah?”
“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss
you too.”
(#243) An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through
his wife Suzie’s bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000
in cash. He just didn’t know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie
with this evidence. “You don’t even play golf!”
“I know dear.” Suzie said. “We’ve had
some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other
men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer
to remind me of my error.”
“I see,” replied Jack. “That explains
the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?”
“Oh,” beamed Suzie, “every time I collected
a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”
(#244) The book purchase
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually
inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought “How
to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his
latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
(#245) The champion of champions
One day, some builders are renovating
an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through
the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles,
Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is
wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”
(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time.
One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last
and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for
fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat
for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess
which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head
in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How
did you know?"
"I don't like her."
(#247) I’ve lost my appetite
Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda,
were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand
something. I simply have no appetite lately. No matter how much I
try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor,
the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite
I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get
an appetite.
So I tried it and it was true. So
take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and
you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet again in
the park.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now?
Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I took your advice.
First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring.
I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings. But Gertrude,
your advice didn't work for me. Would you believe, when lunch time
came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
(#248) I can’t sleep
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor.
"If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking
your
trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy.
"My wife refuses to sleep alone."
(#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers
to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered. But the next day,
Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment.
It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
One day, while he was dressing, Maurice
reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt
for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which
fortunately was still there.
Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked,
"Are my trousers here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor.
"Be ready next Tuesday."
(#250) The interview
Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job
interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which
was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking
for.
Thinking of his large family and the many
bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he'd needs around
£50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today's market
and with Solly's limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k
per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him "...listen
even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring
home the bacon!!"
(#251) The recovery
Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia
after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting
at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
beautiful."
Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while
he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Kitty
asked Irwin.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
(#252) I can hear you
Maurice Goldblatt was showing off.
He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It
cost me £2,000.
Sam said, "That’s expensive, isn’t it?
"
Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state
of the art."
"What kind is it?" Sam asked.
"A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.
(#253) The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down
the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It's not just one...there
are dozens of them!"
(#254) The obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah,
phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
Sarah said to them, "This is what I want
you to print: ....Bernie is dead."
The JC man said, "But for £25, you
are allowed to print six words."
Sarah answered, "Okay, then print:
.....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
(#255) Who Made You?
Five year old Emma was sitting on her
grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time
to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s
wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again. Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made
me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make
me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God
made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again,
Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
(#256) Questions and Answers
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's
offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
(#257) And God Created Israel
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels
and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will
be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all
kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance
of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich
so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,
and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you
think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and
see the neighbours I am going to give them."
(#258) Survivor
Flush with the success of its latest creation,
CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near
Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is
a final survivor who gets £1 million (but placed into a trust
that does not vest until age 59).
The Rules:
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways
or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus
or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done
in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for
all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women),
or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved
by the Tribe, without any help from any gentile.
11. No consulting with lawyers.
Only problem: We hear there have been
no applicants as yet.
(#259) The question
[My thanks to Roberto Haddon
for the following riddle]
How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Answer: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
(#260) The operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying
on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get
my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you
here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had
that done when! I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
(#261) Eternal Jewish Truths of Your
Grandmother’s Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say
it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not
Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews
say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty
percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey;
North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re
bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry
but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing
to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two
will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating
a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke
salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after
that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s
ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life
when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens
at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork
and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means
your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t
afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure
you tell everybody what you paid.
go to tenth set
Comments
(#262) Puzzle
What’s better than God
More evil than the Devil
Poor people have it
Rich people want it
And if you eat it you die?
ANSWER: See after joke #267 - “the hospital
visitor”
(#263) Pre-wedding conversation
Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance
to the synagogue.
The usher asked, “Are you a friend of
the bride?”
Sadie quickly relied, “No, of course not.
I am the groom’s mother.”
(#264) Post-wedding conversation
Rachel was talking to her best friend
Sadie. Rachel asked, “So, Sadie, how’s the bride?”
Sadie replied, “To tell you the truth,
Rachel, not good. She’s so unhappy, she’s lost two stone already.”
Rachel then asked, “So why doesn’t she
leave him?”
Sadie replied “Because she wants to lose
two and a half stone!”
(#265) The departure
Freda and Kitty had been chatting for
some time.
After a while, Kitty said, “I’ve got to
rush, Freda, I’m off to a stone setting”
Freda replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear
that. Where are you going, Bushey?”
“No”, said Kitty, “Hatton Garden.”
(#266) Jewish Chronicle advertisement
WIFE WANTED.
PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER123
To which 5,000 replies were received “You
can have mine.”
(#267) The hospital visitor
Moishe was in hospital recovering from
an operation when a nun walked into his room.
She said she was there to cheer up the
sick.
They started talking and she soon asked
about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
“Well, well” the nun says, “11 children,
a good and proper Catholic family. I’m sure that G-d is very, very proud
of you.”
“I’m sorry”, says Moishe, “I’m not Catholic,
I’m Jewish.”
“Jewish!”, she screams, “You’re a sex
maniac.”
Answer to #262 puzzle is:
(nothing)
(#268) The dinner guest
Maurice and Sadie invited Nigel, their
gentile neighbour for a Passover dinner. The first course was served and
Sadie said to Nigel, “This is matzoh ball soup.”
When Nigel saw the two large matzoh balls
in the soup, he was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. But Maurice
gently persuaded him to try it. “Just have a taste. If you don’t like it,
you don’t have to finish it, honestly.”
So Nigel has a taste. He digs his spoon
in and picks up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup. He tastes
it gingerly and finds he likes it very much. Quickly he finishes his plate.
“That was delicious”, says Nigel. “Can
you eat any other part of the matzoh?”
(#269) A meeting of boats
A small boat was sailing in Israeli water
when Moishe’s smart boat pulled alongside.
A man on the deck of the sailboat yells,
“Ahoy.”
To which Moishe shouts back “Ahoy, yoi,
yoi!”
(#270) Business always was business
The time is the French Revolution.
Yossi lived in a small village and one
day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to
Paris.
Yossi asked Roberto what was happening
in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
“Yes, you heard right”, said Roberto,
“conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off people’s
heads in their thousands.”
“Oy vay”, moaned Yossi, “whatever will
happen to my hat business?”
(#271) It’s all OK - 1
David and his friend Paul were talking.
David says, “You and I use the same call
girl and I’ve discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much
as she charges me. Aren’t you angry?”
“No”, replies Paul, “I use the double
entry system.”
(#272) It’s all OK - 2
Moishe owned a PC shop in Golders Green.
Unfortunately, the shop was robbed on night and much stock was taken.
Henry, his friend heard of the robbery
and went to visit Moishe.
“I’m very sorry to hear of the robbery”,
says Henry. “Did you lose much?”
“I did lose some big items but it’s all
OK, I’m quite lucky really. I’m glad it didn’t happen one night earlier.”
“Why?” says Henry.
“Well”, replies Moishe, “just on the day
of the theft, I marked everything down by 20% in readiness for my annual
Sale!”
(#273) A visit to his doctor
Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
“Doctor, you’ve got to give me something
to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl
tonight.”
His doctor said, “Hold on a second, you’re
70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you.”
Benjamin replies, “But doctor, my friend
Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.”
“OK”, says the doctor, “so you say it
too!”
(#274) The Party –1
Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv
and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost
his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
“Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve
just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that
finds my wallet, I will give £50.”
A voice from the back of the hall shouted,
“I will give £75.”
(#275) The party – 2
During the party, Becky was introduced
to Dr. Selnick.
“Oh doctor”, says Becky, sidling up to
him, “I’m so glad to meet you. You see I have this problem. Every time
I raise my arm above my head, I get a pain in my right side.”
“I’m sorry”, says Dr. Selnick, “I’m afraid
I can’t help you. I happen to be a doctor of Economics.”
“Well, in that case”, says Becky, “tell
me, should I sell my Marks and Spencer shares now?”
(#276) The reading of the Will
Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing
before the family and reads out Moishe’s last Will and testament.
“To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house,
50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus
and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht
and £250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always
insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.”
(#277) The fight
Moishe had a fight with Sadie, his wife,
and went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone
home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologise.
“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you
making for dinner?”
“What am I making, you bast**d? Poison,
that’s what I’m making, poison.”
Moishe replies, “So make just one portion,
I’m not coming home.”
(#278) The last wish
Beckie was dying and on her deathbed,
she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.
“Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these
years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that
I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want
you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Tony said.
“You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10”
(#279) That’s entertainment
Sharon had lived a good life, having been
married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at
the gates said to her, “I see that you first of all married a banker, then
an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem
appropriate for a Jewish woman.”
“Oh yes it is”, Sharon replied. “It’s
one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”
(#280) At Bushy cemetery
Moishe heard the loud crying of a woman
and went to investigate.
A woman was at a grave and was weeping
“Oh, Joseph, it’s been 4 years since you left me but I still miss you so
much.”
Moishe asked her “Who are you mourning?”
“My husband”, she replied, “I miss him
dearly.”
But Moishe noticed something strange,
and said to her “Your husband? But it says on the headstone IN MEMORY OF
FREDA GOLDBERG”
“Oh yes”, she replied, “he put everything
in my name.”
(#281) The illness
Two friends meet in the street. One says,
“Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?”
“Yes.”
“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was
in hospital.”
“Yes.”
“How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?”
Isaac replies, “In 3 weeks time, please
G-d, it will be a month.”
(#282) A look back in anger
Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating
their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders
Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor,
went over to him.
“What’s the matter, Maurice”, he asked.
“Why do you look so sad.”
“Do you remember on my 5th anniversary
I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?”
“Yes”, answered Michael, “I said you would
get 20 years in jail.”
“Well”, said Maurice, “I would have been
a free man tonight!”
(#283) The big question
Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and accessories.
Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different
things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”
(#284) A quickie
It won’t be long now”, said the rabbi
as he circumcised the little boy.
(#285) Discussion group
A group of elderly Jewish men meet every
Wednesday in Brent Cross for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee
and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion
is very negative.
One day, Moishe surprises his friends
by announcing, loud and clear, “You know what? I’ve now become an optimist.”
Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation
dries up.
But then Sam notices something isn’t quite
right and he says to Moishe, “Hold on a minute, if you’re an optimist,
why are you looking so worried?”
Moishe replies, “Do you think it’s easy
being an optimist?”
(#286) The Value of Children
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time
in fifty years since high school.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her
children. "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids. My daughter
is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me
Esther, how about your kids?"
Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty
and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
Rachel says, "No children? ... and no
grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
(#287) A Flucky
Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by
a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah,
his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
Bernard returns home, and Sarah says –
"Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So?
What did the doctor say?"]
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky."
["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible!
What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know -- he didn't say, and I
forgot to ask."
Well, by this time Sarah is in a state
of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours "My Bernard was hit by
a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country,
when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best
thing for a flucky."
Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking
about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly
agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please
tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him... nothing's wrong.
He got off lucky."
go to eleventh set
Comments
(#288) The end of a good holiday
Manny was out with his best friends, Joe
and Bette, one evening when he suddenly collapsed and died. His friends
were naturally totally shocked.
Joe pointed to Manny and said to Bette,
"How good he looks, how relaxed, how tanned, how healthy!"
"And why not?" replied Bette, "He just
spent three weeks in Eilat."
(#289) The prayer
Moishe goes for a walk in the woods. Suddenly,
a 6-foot-tall grizzly bear appears and
approaches him at quite a fast pace. Moishe
stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then Moishe
notices that the bear has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began
praying. Saved!
But as Moishe approaches the bear with
an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears the bear conclude
his prayer with, "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen".
(#290) More quickies.
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat
belt?
A: A Safer Torah!
Q: You're at a Jewish wedding... how can
you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?
A: In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's
mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal
wedding the Rabbi is pregnant
Q: What do you call a Jewish water bed?
A: The Dead Sea
Q: What do you get when you cross a basset
with a beagle?
A: A bagel
(#291) The examination
Doctor Jacobs finished his examination
and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?"
Herman moaned.
"I'm not at all worried about your headaches,"
Dr. Jacobs replied.
"If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't
worry about them either," said Herman.
(#292) The conversation
Manny goes into a restaurant and orders
fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's
walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny
is deep in conversation with his lunch.
"What on earth are you doing?" says the
waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?” Manny replies, “We're just
schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to
live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home
town.”
"What did he say?" asked the waiter.
"He said, “How should I know? I haven’t
been there in years!”
(#293) The sermon
The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon
when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the
third row is asleep. Wake him up."
The shames replied, "You put him to sleep.
You wake him up.”
(#294) Enduring love - 1
"Moishe, will you still love me when my
hair is grey?" asks Yente.
"Of course,” says Moishe. “I've loved
you through blond, brunette, red and every other colour. Why not grey?”
(#295) Enduring love - 2
Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married.
On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife “Would
you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?”
She replied, “Darling, I would have married
you no matter who had left you a fortune.”
(#296) The principle
A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi,
you’re a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business
when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm
not at work?"
"You have discovered one of the principles
of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
"And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
"People like to discuss things they know
nothing about."
(#297) The complaint
Freda had just finished her fish dinner.
She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
"I've tasted fresher fish," said Freda.
"Not in here," replied the waiter.
(#298) The two farmers
Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel
and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
"I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo.
“I'm also a farmer.”
“So am I. How much land do you have?”
asks Bud.
“Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred
at the back.”
Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a
question.
“You’re from Texas, so what about your
farm?" asks Shlomo.
Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive
from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
"That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once
had a car like that."
(#299) Relax a while
Shlomo and Moishe are stranded on an island
in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Shlomo is trying hard to build a fire,
whilst Moishe sits on a rock and stares out to sea.
"Why don’t you come over here and help
me build this fire or they will never find us!" Moishe replies, "Don’t
worry. I gave £10,000 to the JIA last year. Shlomo, believe me, they'll
find us!"
(#300) The start of it all
A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing
when life begins.
The priest says: "In our religion, life
begins at conception."
The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe
that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong.
In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog
dies."
(#301) The trip
Sarah, a middle aged Jewish woman goes
in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat
up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in
all it takes Sarah months of hardship to track down this guru. When she
finds him, he is in the middle of some kind of ritual, which will last
for days and the guru's followers won't let Sarah see him. Finally the
guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted.
Sarah stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to
come home!"
(#302) It’s obvious
Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders
Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, it’s raining
quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
"Nu," says Jacob. "So when are you going
to open the umbrella?"
"It won't do us any good," says Issy.
"It's full of holes."
"So why then did you bring it?" replies
Jacob.
"Because," Issy says with shrug, "I didn't
think it would rain."
(#303) Life’s problems - 1
Maurice, Sam and Benny always met once
a week in Edgware to discuss the world’s situation. On one occasion, they
tried to solve the problem of life.
"What is the problem of life?" asked Benny.
The more they talked about it, the more
they thought they knew the answer. The problem of life is that everyone
has worries. “If people didn't have any worries,” said Sam, “then life
would be easy.”
But now that they knew, another question
remained, how can we three end our worries?
They thought for a while and then Maurice
said, “Why don’t we hire somebody to do all the worrying for us so that
we can then have it easy?”
Sam said, “Great idea. It wouldn’t be
easy, I know, but between us, we could pay him well to make up for the
difficulty of the role.”
So they all agreed to chip in to pay someone
£600 a month to do all their worrying for them.
They were very happy with this decision
until Sam pointed out the flaw.
"Tell me," he said, “If the man is making
£600 each month, what has he got to worry about?”
(#304) Life’s problems - 2
Two shlemiels are kvetching about life.
One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is,
death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not
to have been born at all."
"True," says his friend. "But how many
men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
(#305) I’ve got it!
Sidney, a Jewish scientist, wanted to
know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists,
but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole of his science
department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time
but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night
thinking about it until finally it dawned on them.
(#306) The conversation
Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying
in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up
to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me,
what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling
G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter
who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular
Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No,
but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
(#307) Egon Ronay, you’re not
Two Jewish students were rooming together
in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
One day, when Sam came home, he did not
find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What's
with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”
Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef
caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with
the chicken soup.”
(#308) Out for a drive
Rifka and Abe had just left Ken Wood and
Rifka was driving them home in their old Ford Cortina. They had just turned
into Winnington Avenue, Hampstead Garden Suburb and were moving down hill
when their brakes fail.
Rifka is pressing the brake pedal as hard
as she can and she's also trying to tear the hand brake out by the roots,
but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.
"Oy Vay," she wails, "Abe, what should
I do, what should I do?"
"For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something
cheap!"
(#309) Honesty
"You're in great shape," says the doctor.
"You're going to live to be 70."
"But I am 70," Issy replies.
"Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
(#310) Announcements in synagogue newsletters
o Join us for our celebration after services.
Prayer and medication to follow.
o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at
the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
o Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our congregation.
o For those of you who have children and
don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
o We are pleased to announce the birth
of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
o The Men’s Club is warmly invited to
the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a
nominal feel.
o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogue’s new
fundraising campaign slogan last week
“I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”
o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking
for you.
o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be
given to his secretary.
o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the
hospital this week for testes.
o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing
of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
o We are taking up a collection to defray
the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something
on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
o Don’t let worry kill you. Let your synagogue
help.
(#311) The two Rabbis
A reform Rabbi was having an argument
with an orthodox Rabbi.
He asked him, “Why don’t you let the men
and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?”
The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous
sense of humour) replied, “If you want to know the truth, I don’t really
mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give
sermons and I can’t have them sleeping together.”
(#312) The put-me-down
One day, a chazan was bragging and boasting
about the quality of his voice.
He told his friend, “Do you know that
I even insured my voice for £750,000?”
His friend replied, “So what have you
done with the money?”
(#313) Look to the future
Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an
elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, “You know, my dear
Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty
that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should
now be thinking more of the hereafter.”
Mrs Gold replied, “Thank you, Rabbi, but
I am always thinking about the hereafter.”
Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with
this response.
“Really?” he said.
“Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs,
I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ and every time I go into my kitchen,
I say to myself, ‘what am I here after?’ I do it all the time now.”
(#314) The Court Hearing
Judge to member of the jury who was about
to be sworn in but who had told the Court that he was deaf in one ear.
“You really can’t serve on the jury”
“Why not?”
“Because you can only hear one side”
(#315) Advance warning – next year’s
Tax Budget
The Government is going to put a tax on
Tallisim. They are being classed as fringe benefits
(#316) We are what we eat
Mrs Herman from London was visiting some
friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on
his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go
over to him.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you
look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.”
“I smoke four packets of cigarettes a
day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of
fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise.”
“Why, that’s absolutely amazing. I’ve
never heard anything like this before. How old are you?”
“I’m twenty six” he replied.
(#317) The announcement
At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv,
Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement “We are now going to
show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover,
but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.”
go to twelfth set
Comments
(#318) The check-up
Rivkah went to her doctor for a check
up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have
a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to
her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told
me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a
mackerel'"
(#319) Jewish Telegram
"Begin worrying. Details to follow."
(#320) The bible
The following statements about the Bible
were written by children.
o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
but a ball of fire by night.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
o The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert.
o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide
to find the ten amendments.
o The first commandment was when Eve told
Adam to eat the apple.
o The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
not admit adultery."
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is
when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300
wives and 700 porcupines
(#321) Preparing for a wedding
Benny Goldman had married off four of
his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had
no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm,
intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks.
Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish
matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon --
Princess Anne’s daughter, Zara."
"Who?"
"Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England,
that’s who."
"A shikseh?"
The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened
times, what's wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family,
with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have
excellent social connections, they're wealthy and the princess is a real
beauty. Look, I'll write the names down together."
Solomon Goldman --- Princess Zara
Phillips.
Benny thought the names looked very good
together, but said, "I also have to consider aunt Bette. She is very religious
and if she found out Solomon was marrying a shikseh, she'd kill herself."
So an appointment was made to see Bette.
For several hours, the matchmaker pleaded,
argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears
in her eyes, Bette said, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so
old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make
Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I won’t object.
I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name
so no one will know my shame."
Even though he was worn out, the matchmaker
left Bette’s house in high spirits. As soon as he got into his car, he
opened his little book to the page where both names had been written and
put a tick after the name ‘Solomon Goldman’.
He then said, with a huge sigh of relief,
"Half done!
(#322) The crime
A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters
riding a motorcycle.
They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke,
payoth, tsittsits, the works.
He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows
them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
After a long ride during which they went
onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find
nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
"I have been following you two for a long
time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking
the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
They replied "HaShem is with us."
"That's it!" exclaimed the policeman,
"Three people on a motorcycle!"
(#323) I’m tired and thirsty
A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost
in the desert, wandering for days.
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty.
I must have some wine."
The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
I must have a beer."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
I must have diabetes."
(#324) Drink up!
I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar
but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to
empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle
and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles
and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
I then pulled the cork from the fourth
sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest
down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork
from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink
and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied
the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks
with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I
drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incahol,
but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool
so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer
I get!!!
(#325) My darling wife
Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good
his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God, "Why did you make her so
kind hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love
her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."
Sidney thought about this. Then he said,
"I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her
so stupid?"
"So she could love you, my son."
(#326) The proposal
Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and
widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided
to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo
couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait,
no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember,
but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
remember her answer to his proposal.
"Oh", Hetty said, "I'm so glad you called.
I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
(#327) The collector
Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy
person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the
door, Issy greets him.
"Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting
for the Loads of Money Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish
person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
"The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and
I am not Jewish."
"Are you sure?" asks Issy.
"I'm positive".
"But", says Issy, "it says here that you're
Jewish and my records are never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly
not Jewish", replies Mr Gold impatiently.
"Look sir, I know that my records are
never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands
Issy.
"For the last time, I am not Jewish, my
father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn't Jewish
either!"
(#328) The daughter
Rifka and Beckie are talking about their
children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.
Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter
just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear
that."
Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her
first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she
is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and
a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!
(#329) The request
Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're
doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife
needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies.
"I just can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could
count on you!"
(#330) Mother’s love
Benny is almost 32 years old. All his
friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend
asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman?
Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
"No I just can’t," Benny replies. "I meet
many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my
mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't
you find a girl who's just like your mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Benny and his
friend get together.
"So, have you found the perfect girl yet?
One that's just like your mother?"
Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found
one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become
good friends."
"So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you
and this girl engaged yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My father can't stand
her!"
(#331) A quicky
Doctor to patient: I have good news and
bad news.
The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
(#332) How did you do it?
Young David asked his rich grandfather,
Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, "Well, David, it was 1955,
and I was down to my last five pence. I went to the local market and invested
that five pence in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten pence."
"The next morning, I invested the ten pence
in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them
at 5pm for twenty pence. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandma’s
father died and left us two million pounds."
(#333) What Women Want in Men
Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals,
makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
(with her, of course !)
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated
in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly
when she asks.
4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically,
not horizontally!)
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange
the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents’
house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's
talking
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many
times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off
couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh
undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call
up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up
by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her :-)
go to thirteenth set
Comments
(#334) That’s the way to do it
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other
side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please
God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big
arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about
two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to
God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross
this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across
the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a
couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked
out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give
me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
(#335) Meyer’s first pet
MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home
along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen
to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting
out in Yiddish:
"Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside,
standing like a putzel...eh?"
Meyer couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the
sleeve. "Come in here and check out this parrot..."
Meyer was soon standing in front of an
African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said: "Vus?
Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
Meyer turned excitedly to the owner.
"He speaks Yiddish?"
"Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer had written
out a cheque for £500 and carried the parrot, still in his cage,
out of the shop and into his car. All night he talked with the parrot in
Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's kosher butcher shop
in Neasden; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride;
about his family in Israel; about his years of working in the City; and
about Birchington, Kent. The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some nuts and raisons. The parrot told Meyer of what
life was like living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends.
They then both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his
tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to
know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to
do likewise. So Meyer went out and bought a hand-made miniature set
of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven and
learned every prayer. He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer
spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.
In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.
He had been saved.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose
and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with
him. Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle
and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor.
At first they refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that
the parrot could daven. Some bets were made with Meyer. Thousands
of pounds were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish
or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during the service.
The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -
Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed,
slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
Nothing.
"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come
on, everybody's looking at you!"
Nothing.
After the Rosh Hashanah service was over,
Meyer worked out that he owed over four thousand pounds. He marched
home, angry, saying nothing. Finally several streets away from the
Shul, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could
be.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
"You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand pounds. Why?
After I bought you your own tfillin and taught you the morning prayers
and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to
bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied.
"The odds will be much better on Yom Kippur."
(#336) Meyer’s second pet
Meyer’s parrot had died and he was lonely
once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another
pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner
that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After
some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a
little white box to use for his house.
Meyer took the box home. He found a good
place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the
local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the
box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his
pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with
me?"
But again, there was no answer from his
new friend and pet. So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking
about the situation. He decided to ask one more time, this time putting
his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there!
Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I
heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
(#337) The Rabbi and his friends - 1
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues,
"I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of
the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back
across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
30minutes later, the minister says, "I
need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across
the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and
gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is
as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something
to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach."
He stands up, puts his feet on the water,
and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister
help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but
he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps
out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again
he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns
to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks
are?"
(#338) The Rabbi and his friends - 2
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were
talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a
snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was
completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk.
He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles
in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
The minister told a similar story. He
had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot
high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while
the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the
sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
The rabbi, too, had such a story. One
Shabos morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad
of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the
rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere,
for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around
him, it was Thursday.
(#339) The Rabbi and his friends - 3
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money
up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever
lands outside the circle, he keeps.
The priest uses a similar method. He draws
the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and
whatever lands inside, he keeps.
The rabbi has a slightly different method
of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever
God wants, he keeps...
(#340) The Rabbi and his friend - 4
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy
a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister
driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash
because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with
the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting
the end off the tailpipe.
(#341) Quickies
A classic example of chutzpa is someone
who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the
court because he is an orphan.
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive
and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
Q: Why do Jewish women enjoy Chinese food
so much?
A: WonTon spelled backwards is “Not Now”.
(#342) Moshe’s mother - 1
Moshe’s mother, Hette, once gave him two
sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made
sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the
expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like
the other one?"
(#343) Moshe’s mother - 2
Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How
are you?"
"Not too good," Hette says. "I'm feeling
very weak."
"Why, mother? "
Hette says, "Because I haven't eaten in
23 days."
Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother.
Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
Hette answers, "because I didn't want
my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
(#344) Serves you right!
Naomi, being still unmarried, was bored
one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time
ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table
the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age.
So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she
fainted.
(#345) Cross talk
Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board
of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for
over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly,
the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First
of all, a chandelier, ... why, we haven’t got anyone who could even spell
it. Second, we haven’t got anyone who could even play it. And lastly,
what we really need in the shul is more light!"
(#346) Vive la differance
Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour.
"Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock
every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn
and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made
my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then,
when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make
dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
The neighbour sighs and asks, "Nu...and
how is your daughter?"
"Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute
gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in
the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he
even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of
dinner!"
(#347) The conversation
[We Jews are not only not allowed to conduct
business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue
one Shabbat morning.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I'm selling my car.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but how much are you asking for it?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but £13,000.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I'll give you £12,000 for it.
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but let me think about it.
They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat
afternoon.
Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but did you think about my offer?
Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
but I already sold it.
(#348) Advancement
Morris Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children.
Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger
brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when
he married and opened a bank account,
he signed his cheques just "XX".
Morris then started his own business,
which soon prospered. He became a very rich man. One day, he got a call
from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We
weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing
your cheques, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
Morris replied, "Since I've become rich,
my wife thought I should have a middle name"
(#349) The dinner party
Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds
in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living
in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves
with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After
much searching, they found the perfect one.
One day, they instructed the butler to
set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the
Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
When they returned that evening, they
found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places
were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four,
the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing
the Bagels."
(#350) The test
The Recording Angel needed two new Executive
Assistants to help him in the admissions office in Heaven. G-d sent him
3 applicants and the Angel began interviewing them immediately.
“I was senior partner in a law firm on
earth,” said the first applicant “and I’m sure I could be very helpful
to you.”
“I’m sure you could,” said the Angel.
“I’ve looked over your CV and you certainly have more than enough credentials
for the job. But I do have a little test I ask all applicants to take.
Would you spell G-d, please?”
“A piece of cake,” said the applicant.
“G - O - D.” “Fine,” said the Angel, extending his hand, “I’ll be in touch.”
The fellow left and the second applicant came in.
“I was Chief Executive of a very successful
business on earth,” he said. “There were 16,000 people on my payroll. I
think I’d make an excellent assistant.”
“Your record is certainly impressive,”
said the Angel. “And I think I’m going to hire you, but first there’s a
little test. Spell G-d.”
“G - O - D” said the second applicant.
“Great!” said the Angel, shaking his hand. “You’ll be hearing from me.”
The man left and the third applicant,
a
woman, approached the Angel’s desk. “Tell me about yourself,” said the
Angel.
“On earth,” she said, “I was secretary
to one of the most powerful men in Europe. You know, because you know everything,
that I did most of the work for which he got credit. I’m certain I could
do whatever is required.”
“Of course,” said the Angel, “but there’s
one little test….”
“Oh, please, not a test” said the woman.
“I’ve had it rough all my life. Because I’m a woman I had to fight for
every promotion I ever got. I had to take lower pay for doing the same
job as the men in the office. I was constantly harassed by male chauvinist
bosses. I thought it would be different up here. Now I get the feeling
that because the job title is Executive Assistant and not Secretary, you
don’t want to give me a chance at it.”
No, no. Not at all!” said the Angel. “This
is just a little test that I give all applicants, regardless of sex.”
“All right,” sighed the woman. “Go ahead.”
“Spell desuetude, parietals, and chiaroscuro,”
said the Angel.
(#351) The lunch
Abbe Cohen goes to a restaurant every
day for lunch. He always orders the soup du jour. One day the manager asks
him how he liked his meal. Abbe replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot,
but you could give a little more bread."
The next day, the manager tells the waitress
to give him four slices of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager
asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
Next day the manager tells the waitress
to give him eight slices of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the
manager asks. "Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread".
The manager is now obsessed with seeing
Abbe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders
a 6ft long French loaf. When Abbe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress
and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each
half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup.
Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the
6ft loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is
looking for. When Abbe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in
the usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
Abbe replies "It wass goot as usual but
I see you are back to giving only 2 slices of bread!"
(#352) The hearing aid
Hyme Goldman was showing off his new acquisition
to his friend. "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me £2,000,
but it is state of the art."
"What kind is it?" his friend asked.
"Half past two," Hyme replied.
(#353) Diamonds are forever
Freda Cohen went down for breakfast in
her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another lady and went to speak to her.
"Hello, my dear, you're not from around here, are you?"
"No," replied the second, "I'm from Mars."
Freda said "Really, do all Martian women
have blue skin like yours?"
"Yes."
"And do all Martian women have 8 fingers
on each hand as you have?"
"Yes."
"And do all Martian women have an eye
on their nose as you have?"
"Yes."
"And do all Martian women have so many
diamonds?"
"No... not the goyim."
(#354) The sad wedding ceremony
Freda and Moishe were getting married
at Edgware synagogue and all was going fine until the Rabbi discovered
that Freda and Moishe and their parents had disappeared. A search was immediately
made throughout the synagogue and finally, the chazzan found them sitting
in the synagogue basement. All six of them were just sitting on the floor
and crying. The Rabbi approached Freda and said, "Why are you all crying
on this most happy and important day of your lives?"
Freda looked up at the Rabbi and replied,
"My parents are alive and Moishe’s parents are alive? Who are we going
to name the baby after?"
(#355) The check up
Max Levy goes to his doctor complaining
of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the
doctor gives him a clean bill of health.
“Max, you're in excellent shape for an
85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger”,
says the doctor.
“Who asked you to make me younger?” says
Max. “ Just make sure I get older!”
(#356) Jewish mothers are wonderful
Abbe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was
dining at a kosher restaurant on New York's Lower East Side, when members
of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abbe managed to stagger
out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his
mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs
and banged on the door of his mother's apartment, screaming, "Mama, Mama!
Help me, Mama!"
His mother opened the door, eyed him up
and down and said: "Bubbeleh, come in. First you eat, then you talk!"
(#357) Maturity
Sarah and Suzy have been married to their
husbands for many years and are the best of friends. Sarah doesn’t think
her husband finds her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't even bother
to look at me!" said Sarah.
"It’s the opposite for me”, replies Suzy.
“As I get older, my husband says I get even more beautiful every day."
"But that’s because your husband is an
antique dealer!"
(#358) Who is to blame?
Rebecca goes to see her Rabbi. He can
see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants
a divorce.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
Rebecca replies, "I have a strong suspicion
that he's not the father of our youngest child!"
(#359) The engagement
Nicki tells his mum that he has got engaged
at last. His mother is happy but a little bit worried as well. She just
has to ask him, "Is she Jewish?"
"Of course she is, mum. I'll bring her
to dinner this evening so you can meet her."
That night Nicki arrives with three beautiful
women - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
"Mother I want you to guess who is my
fiancé." says Nicki smiling.
But his mother is not pleased at all.
All she wanted to do was to speak to her son’s fiancé one to one
first without playing silly games. She doesn't know where to start. She
waits patiently and gives it some thought. When the meal is over, she calls
Nicki into the kitchen.
"I know which one she is." She says.
"Which one, then, mum?" asks Nicki.
"The blonde"
"Yes, you're right. How on earth did you
guess?"
"I knew as soon as I saw her, I couldn't
stand the sight of her!"
(#360) The fast
One Yom Kippur during the break after
shacharis and before mincha, Rabbi Menzies sees a very worried looking
Morry Schwartz walking towards him. His face is white and his eyes are
bloodshot. He stands in front of the Rabbi, sweating and out of breath.
"Please Rabbi," he says, "I must have
a drink of water. I'm so thirsty and dry. I can’t stand it any more."
Rabbi Menzies is astonished and replies,
"Don't you realise what you are asking? Today is Yom Kippur, when we fast
and beg for forgiveness, and you come to me and tell me that want to drink
and break your fast? Be strong and do not give in!"
Morry is in tears, "Please Rabbi, just
a small drink. I can't take it anymore!"
But Rabbi Menzies is not an unkind man,
and is touched by Morry’s suffering. He thinks for a while and says "Alright."
He calls over the shammes, "give Morry a teaspoon of water."
The teaspoon of water is given to Morry
who is now crazy with thirst. "Please, please! I've got to have a
real drink or I’ll die!" he cries.
Although he doesn’t really want to do
it, Rabbi Menzies instructs the shammes to give Morry a full glass of water.
Morry drinks the water, puts down the glass, wipes his mouth with his handkerchief,
looks the Rabbi in the eye and says, "Thank you Rabbi, I'll never eat a
schmaltz herring on Yom Kippur morning ever again!"
(#361) Things I’d like to hear a Jewish
Mother say
"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy
you a motorcycle!"
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting
so far back?"
"Don't bother wearing a coat, it's quite
warm out."
"Let me smell that shirt. Yes, it's good
for another week yet."
"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign
of creativity."
"Yes, I used to skip school, too."
"Just leave all the lights on, it makes
the house more cheery."
"Could you turn the music up louder so
I can enjoy it, too?"
"I don't have a tissue with me--just use
your sleeve."
"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay,
that's good enough for me."
"Of course you should walk to school and
back. What's the big deal about having to cross a few main roads?"
"My meeting won't be over till later tonight.
You children don't mind skipping dinner, do you?"
go to fourteenth set
Comments
(#362) The four questions
The Sunday school lesson had just finished
and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly
raised his hand.
"Yes, David? What question would you like
to ask me?"
"I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi.
Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they
then received the Ten Commandments?"
"Yes, David."
"And the children of Israel also defeated
the Philistines?"
"Yes, David, that's also true."
"And the children of Israel also fought
the Romans and fought the Egyptians and built the Temple?"
"Again you are correct, David."
"So my last question is, Rabbi, what were
the grown-ups doing all this time?"
(#363) Have I?
Moishe, an elderly man, goes to a brothel
and tells the madam that he would like a beautiful, young lady for the
night. The madam gives him a quick look-over and is rather puzzled. So
she asks him, "How old are you?"
"Why," replies Moishe, "I'm 98 years old
today."
"Ninety-eight!" the madam exclaims. "Don't
you realize you've had it?"
"Oh," he says, "in that case, how much
do I owe you?"
(#364) Perfect? The story of Moshe
and Hette Cohen - Mr & Mrs perfect
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a
perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding
at the London Hilton. Their life together in Golders Green was, of course,
perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Lexus) along a winding road in Hendon, when they noticed
someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple,
they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a
huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the
perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were
driving along delivering toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions
deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind-numbing question is: Who was the
survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
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The perfect woman survived. She's the
only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is
no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women: stop reading here. This is the end
of the joke.
Men: keep on scrolling...
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So, if there is no perfect man and no
Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains
why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're
reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
(#365) Riddle
Q: What is Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It’s when you forget everything
but the guilt.
(#366) Surprise, surprise
Rabbi Landau has always been secretly
sad that he's never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote
tropical Island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he
said to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and
orders the ‘roast pork special’. While he’s waiting, he hears someone call
his name. Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking
towards his table. What unbelievably bad luck – the same time to visit
the same restaurant on the same island!
Just at that moment, the waiter puts on
his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your
special, sir.” Rabbi Landau looks up sheepishly at his congregant and says,
"Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant and look
how they serve it!"
(#367) Motherly love
Freda Cohen is having a very torrid time
with her teenage son. They are always screaming at each other and sometimes
even fighting. So Freda takes him to see a psychoanalyst.
After several sessions, the doctor calls
Freda into his office and tells her, "Your son has an Oedipus complex."
"Oedipus Shmedipus," answers Freda, "As
long as he loves his mother."
(#368) Advertisement in the Jewish Chronicle
Mr & Mrs Moshe Levy are pleased to
announce the birth of their beloved son, Doctor David Levy."
(#369) Get up at once
Freda goes into her son's bedroom. "You've
got to get up for school, Yossi."
Yossi pulls the blankets over his head
and replies, "I don't want to go to school, mother."
"But you have to," Freda said.
"I don't want to. The teachers don't like
me and all the kids make fun of me." Freda pulls the blanket back a little,
"Yossi, you don't have any choice. You've got to get up for school."
"OK, OK", says Yossi, "But only if you
give me one very good reason!"
"You're 52 years old and you're the headmaster."
(#370) A step up the ladder
Maurice, a young Jew comes to North London
and applies for a job as caretaker at the Edgware Synagogue. The synagogue
committee were just about to offer him the job when they discover that
he is illiterate. They decide for many reasons that it would be inappropriate
to have an illiterate caretaker. So Maurice leaves and decides to forge
a career in another business. He chooses to sell plastic goods door to
door. He does well and soon is able to buy a car and later, to open a store,
and then a second. Finally he is ready to open 5 more stores and so applies
to the bank for a loan. But when the bank manager asks him to sign the
contract, it was obvious that he could not write. Shocked to discover that
this successful young man had little education, the bank manager says,
"Just think what you could have been if you had learned to read and write."
"Yes," says Maurice, "I would be caretaker
at Edgware synagogue."
(#371) How to get richer
A Hebrew teacher in Chelm declared one
day: "If I was Rothschild I would be richer than Rothschild." "Why?" "Because
I would give Hebrew lessons on the side."
(#372) The dowry
Jacob is talking to his friend Morris.
"A terrible thing," says Jacob. "My daughter
Rifka is getting married tomorrow and I promised a dowry of £25,000.
Now, half the dowry is missing."
"So what?" replies Morris. "One usually
pays only half of the promised dowry at the beginning of the wedding."
"I know, but that's the half which is
missing."
(#373) The fire
Moishe is a member of Hendon synagogue.
One day he calls on Rabbi Goldman of Golders Green synagogue to ask him
for help.
"Everything I had and owned, Rabbi, was
lost when my house burned down recently in a raging fire. I've nothing
left but the clothes I’m wearing."
"Do you have a letter from your own rabbi
attesting to this fire?" Rabbi Goldman asks.
"Yes, I did have such a letter, but unfortunately,
that was also lost in the fire."
(#374) The meal
Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders
potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look
of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished,
he gets up to leave.
"Wait a second," said the manager, "You
haven't paid for your blintzes."
"What are you talking about?" Moishe replies.
"Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for
them."
"Yes, but you didn't pay for them either."
"Why should I pay for the potato latke?
I didn't eat them."
(#375) Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage!
“I married Miss Right. I just didn't
know her first name was Always.”
“I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.”
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since
then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Because
they want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman
shopping in Brent Cross and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-law.
Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?” Dad:
"Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country.
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An
expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men
would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew
what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how
much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know
son, I'm still paying.
(#376) The problem with Jewish Food
Two Chinamen are leaving Blooms restaurant
and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food is that two days
later, you're hungry again"
go to fifteenth set
Comments
(#377) Punishment
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical
students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called
them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately
confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved
some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and
then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the
delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for
a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from
God."
A few days later, the two students met
each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles
under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the
other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that
you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put
the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled
them first."
(#378) The facelift - 1
Hette has a heart attack and is taken
to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience,
during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has
another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured
that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in
the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and
tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even
changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Hette
is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she
left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of God, she
asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
(#379) The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for
his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really
good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought
he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross
shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and
says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Morris says, feeling
really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and
asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel
really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris
meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks
to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my
eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there
was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your
trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact
age."
As there was no one around, Morris thought
why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later,
the lady says, "OK, it's done. I now know that you are 47."
Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was
brilliant. How did you do that? "
She replies, giggling, "We were behind
you in the Fenwick’s queue."
(#380) The homecoming
Hette arrives home. She runs into the
house, slams the front door, and shouts at the top of her voice, “Harry,
quickly pack your bags, I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery.”
Harry says, “Oh my goodness, what fantastic
news. Should I pack for Florida or skiing?”
Hette yells back, “I don’t care where
you go, just get out of my life.”
(#381) Suddenly Single
Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon
adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet,
nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I'm shy.
Why don't you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks
so lonely." Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse
me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering
why you looked so lonely."
"I'm lonely,” he said, "Because I've spent
the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled
her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first
wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend on the other
side of the room, she shouted, "Carol. It’s OK, he's single!"
(#382) If I had my life to live over
by Erma
I would have talked less and listened
more.
I would have invited friends over to
dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.
I would have eaten snacks in the "good"
living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come
in wearing shoes.
I would have taken the time to listen
to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.
I would never have insisted the car
windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just
been styled and sprayed.
I would have burned the pink candle
sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
I would have sat on the lawn with my
children and not worried about grass stains.
I would have cried and laughed less
while watching television and more while watching real life.
I would have gone to bed when I was
sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren't
there for the day.
Instead of wishing away nine months
of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would
never have said, "Later, now go get washed up for dinner."
There would have been more "I love you" ...
more "I'm sorry" ... but mostly, given another shot at life, I would
seize every minute ... look at it and really see it ... live it ... and
never give it back.
I would tell all my friends that I need and
love them and that my life would be empty without them!
(#383) Five stupid jokes
Stupid #1
Freda walks into a wine bar and asks the
barman to give her a double entendre. So he gives her one.
Stupid #2
Two Jewish aerials meet on a roof, fall
in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant!
Stupid #3
Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is
fully mature?
A: He has a bark-mitzvah!
Stupid #4
I came from a very poor family. One Chanukah,
my dad gave me an empty box and told me it was an Action Man deserter kit.
Stupid #5
Morris’s local manufacturing business
was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police
are currently combing the area for clues.
(#384) School Friends
Four old school friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman, says, "My
son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic woman then says, "My
son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic says, "My son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just
sat there and sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give
her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6", has
plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very
well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever
he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
(#385) Two quickies
Q: What is the difference between
a tailor and a psychiatrist?
A: A generation
Q: What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A: A Jew who wanted to be a doctor,
to make their mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
(#386) The eye of the beholder
Mrs Stein a rich tourist goes to Paris
to visit the art galleries. She decides to hire the services of a guide
to show her around the Louvre.
"Oh!" said Mrs Stein looking at a painting,
"That's a Monet isn't it?"
"No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied
the guide.
"And that one, it's a Pissaro?"
"Er... no I'm sorry Madame, that's a Monet."
"Oh, I see. Now that one I’m sure of -
that's a Picasso isn’t it?"
".... no Madame, that's a mirror."
(#387) The visit to the Rabbi
Hette goes to see her Rabbi and she is
very, very angry. She tells him she wants to divorce her husband.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a strong suspicion that he's not
the father of our youngest child!"
(#388) A little bit over the top
Harry and Alf are bragging with each other
about their recent fishing expeditions.
"Harry says, "I caught a fish so huge,
it must have weighed 50 lbs!"
"That's nothing," scoffs Alf, "I caught
an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen
Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!"
Harry stared at his friend incredulously
and then replied, slowly, "Listen Alf, I'll tell you what, we must stop
this boasting – so how's this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed
only 5 lbs and you ... well, you put your light out!"
(#389) A visit to the doctor
Yenta went to see her doctor. "Doctor,
I need your help," she said, " I just can’t help talking to myself."
"Do you suffer any pain?" asked her doctor.
"No."
"In that case," said the doctor, "go home
and don't worry. Millions of people talk to themselves...It’s nothing to
worry about."
"But doctor," cried Yenta, " you don't
know what a boring person I am!"
(#390) It’s obvious
Moshe and his friends had been arguing
for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should
go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled.
"Which is more important, the sun or the
moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi.
"Why the moon, of course," replied the
Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The
sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at
all."
(#391) How are you going to do it?
One summer, Abe Cohen went swimming in
the sea at Margate and almost drowned. Luckily, when he cried out for help,
some swimmers came to his aid. As he was helped out of the water, he took
a solemn oath:
"I swear I shall never to go into the
water again until I learn how to swim!"
(#392) Talk to me, please
Moishe goes up to a beautiful woman he
sees in Waitrose and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would
be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”
She asks, “Why on earth do you want me
to do that?”
Moishe replies, “Because every time I
talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”
(#393) The unhappy woman
One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping
in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her
eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong.
The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old
husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half
the afternoon".
Hette asked again, "Well, why are you
crying?"
The old lady continued, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning.
Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the
world would you be crying?"
The old lady replied, "I can't remember
where I live!"
(#394) The conversation
Two Rabbis were discussing the decline
in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I
was married," said one of them self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other.
"What was her maiden name?"
(#395) A conversation with God
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws
of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: “So you are saying we should never
eat milk and meat together.”
God: “No, what I'm saying is, never cook
a calf in its mother's milk.”
Moses: “Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance!
What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat
to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.”
God: “No, Moses, listen to me. I
am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!”
Moses: “Oh, Lord! Please don't strike
me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set
of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake
we have to bury that dish outside....”
God: “Moses, do whatever you want..........”
(#396) How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant
for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you,
Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant
they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said,
"Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor
flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in a card
table. So you think I'm going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three
of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you're talking!"
(#397) Grown up for his age
Little nine year old Ira was walking home
from Grodzinski’s Bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge
challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his
mum and their local Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, "Hello Ira! How
are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?"
To which Ira replied, "Yeah, and a loaf
of bread, too!"
(#398) The truth, the whole truth and
…
Harry gets stopped by a police car. When
the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in
a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket
for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know
about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that
brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for
not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you
were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat
belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, " Shut
your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam,
does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
(#399) Memories
Freda and Mona, two elderly ladies, were
enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Edgware. They had been meeting
in that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting and enjoying
each other’s friendship.
One day, Freda turns to Mona and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these
years. . . What is your name? I am trying to remember, but
I just can't."
Mona stares at Freda, looking very distressed,
and says nothing for two full minutes. Finally with tearful eyes, says,
"How soon do you have to know?"
go to sixteenth set
Comments
(#400) The prayer
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old
boy, "So, you tell me that your mother says your prayers for you each night.
That’s very commendable. What does she actually say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's
in bed!"
(#401) In the hospital ward
Ben was in a hospital ward with two non-Jews.
On his first morning, Ben puts on his tefillin, but the non-Jews can't
figure out what he is doing. Finally, one says to the other, "Look how
smart those Jews are! He's taking his own blood pressure.
(#402) A visit to the Vet
Solly took his King Charles spaniel dog
to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have
to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
Dr Cohen stepped back in shock, "Solly,
why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow,
and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
(#403) Going to shul
Benjamin woke up one Saturday morning
in a bad mood. When he came down to breakfast, he put on his yarmulke and
sat across the table from his visiting sister, Sarah.
"I'm not going to shul today!" he said
to Sarah emphatically.
"Yes you are." Sarah replied calmly.
"No I'm not . . . I don't think I really
want to ever go again!" Benjamin said with obvious irritation. "The people
down there don't like me, they ignore me sometimes . . . they don't appreciate
me at all . . . and I won't go back."
"Yes, you will go today, and you will
continue", said Sarah with confidence. And, I'll give you two reasons.
Number one, you're 45 years old ... and Number two, you're the Rabbi!"
(#404) The fur coat
David Levy and a beautiful woman walk
into a very posh Hendon furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" David
says.
So the furrier goes into the storeroom
and comes out with an absolutely stunning full-length coat. As the lady
tries it on, the furrier goes over to David and discreetly whispers in
his ear, "Ah, sir, that particular fur coat goes for £20,000."
"No problem! I'll write you out a cheque."
"Very good, sir," says the furrier. "Today
is Friday, you may come by on Tuesday to pick it up after the cheque has
cleared."
So David and the woman leave.
On Tuesday, David returns to the shop,
on his own. The furrier is outraged to see him.
"How dare you show your face in here?
There wasn't a single penny in your bank account."
"I just had to come by," grinned David,
"to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life."
(#405) The colour white
Jeffery Rosenberg, a rather innocent young
man, is getting married. On the eve of his wedding night, he goes to his
mother and asks, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies,
"This shows everyone that your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, Jeffery goes to his father
and asks, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
His father looks at Jeffery in surprise
-- "All domestic appliances are white!"
(#406) Conversation with the Rabbi
Rabbi Bloom asked young Paul what his
favourite bible story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark,
where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied
Paul.
"That was a good story," said Rabbi Bloom,
"and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you
think?"
Paul thought for a moment, then replied,
"I don't think so...they only had two worms."
(#407) On their way
A catholic woman, a protestant woman and
Hette die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The catholic woman says," I've been a
good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to
heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The protestant woman says," I've been
a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family,
and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left.
Hette tells St. Peter," I've been a good
woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays
and took care of my family." St. Peter tells Hette to step to the right.
Hette immediately asks him, " Why did
you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to
the left?"
St. Peter replies, "Don't you want to
go to the beauty salon first?
(#408) The visit
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue
for an inspection. Rabbi Gold is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you
have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send
them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to
us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they
are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and
they make new candles from them and send them to us."
"And what about circumcision?
What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send
them to the city as well."
"To the city? And when you do this, what
do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
(#409) Quick thinking
A minister, a priest and Rabbi Samuels
went for a walk in the country. It was a very hot day. They were sweating
and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded,
they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water naked. When they
came out, they were feeling so refreshed that the trio decided to pick
a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
But as they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to
their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates
and Rabbi Samuels covered his face.
After the ladies had left and the men
had got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked Rabbi
Samuels why he covered his face rather than his privates.
Rabbi Samuels replied, "I don't know about
you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize."
(#410) The accident
One day, Moishe is crossing the street
and gets knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, an ambulance
is called. When it arrives, the attendant puts a blanket over Moishe and
a pillow under his head and asks, "Sir, are you comfortable?"
Moishe looks up and says, "Vell, I make
a living!"
(#411) Groan, groan
Bernie and Yossi were down on their luck
and decided to do some part time external decoration work to earn extra
money. To start off their new venture, they asked their Rabbi if he would
be interested in their painting the outside of his house - for a very keen
price, obviously. The Rabbi said yes and so Bernie and Yossi went out to
buy the paint.
They drove to the local Sainsbury’s Homebase
store and bought some emulsion. It was cheap enough as paint goes and they
planned to mix half paint and half water to further increase their profits.
Then they went back to the Rabbi’s house and started work.
When they had finished painting the Rabbi’s
house, Yossi called the Rabbi and his wife to come out and inspect their
work.
"It looks wonderful," the Rabbi said.
But as he started to hand them their cheque, it started to rain quite heavily.
All at once there was thunder and lightning, the Rabbi’s house was drenched,
and the paint started running down the walls.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there
in disbelief, a voice from heaven roared . . . "Repaint. Repaint and thin
no more."
(#412) Mathematics
A little something I'd thought you'd like
to know . . .
5759 Year according to Jewish calendar
4696 Year according to Chinese calendar
-------
1063 Total number of years that Jews went
without Chinese food
(#413) What a coincidence!
Moishe and Bernie are walking down Regents
Street when Moishe suddenly says to Bernie, "Don't look! Don't
look! Here comes my wife and my mistress."
Bernie sneaks a peak and says, "What a
coincidence, I was going to say the same thing!"
(#414) The last request
Rabbi Cohen was saying his goodbyes to
his congregation after his Sabbath service, as he always does, when Esther
Glickman came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired
Rabbi Cohen.
"Oh, Rabbi, I've got terrible news," replied
Esther.
"Well what is it, Esther?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night,
Rabbi."
"Oh, Esther", said the Rabbi, "That's
terrible. Tell me Esther, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did Rabbi," replied Esther.
"What did he ask, Esther?"
Esther replied, "He said, 'Please, please
Esther, put down the gun...'
(#415) The visitor
A Martian runs into some turbulence over
Earth and makes a rough landing in Golders Green. After he pulls himself
out of his space ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels
is broken. Not far away are some shops, so he starts to walk towards them
to see if he can find a replacement.
By good luck, he comes across a store
with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters
the store, gets the attention of Moishe behind the counter, and says, "Excuse
me, I'd like to buy a wheel."
"Wheel?" says Moishe. "We don't have wheels
here."
"Then what are those things in the window?"
"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."
"Gee, they look just like wheels. What
do you use them for?"
"We eat them," says Moishe and he hands
a bagel to the Martian.
The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully,
and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese
and lox!"
(#416) It’s the way I ask ‘em
Two Yeshiva students are discussing whether
it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any
agreement.
So Yankel says to Moishe, "We will go
and ask the Rebbe."
When they find the Rabbi, Yankel asks
him, "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
The rabbi replies in a severe tone of
voice: "Certainly not!"
Moishe then addresses the Rabbi, "Rebbe,
let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we
smoke?"
The Rabbi immediately replies, with a
warm smile, "Yes, of course!"
(#417) Quickies
Hette had plastic surgery the other day.
Her husband cut up her credit cards.
Show me a Jewish boy who didn't become
a doctor and I'll show you a lawyer.
Q: What do Jewish mothers and 60 minutes
have in common?
A: They both begin with tsk-tsk-tsk-tsk
(#418) The tailor
Yossi goes to a tailor to try on a new
custom-made suit. The first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just
bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now
it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back
up a little . . . no, a little more. . . . that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"
Yossi cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend your knees a little to take
up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror -- the suit
fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossi lurches
out onto the street. Janine and Suzy see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Janine, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Suzy, "but what a beautiful
suit!"
(#419) The holiday
Michael and Hetty, an elderly couple,
are on holiday in Devon when they decide to take a drive into the countryside.
Hette is driving when she gets stopped by a traffic policeman.
The officer comes up to the car and says
to her, “Madam, did you know you were speeding?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says you
were speeding.”
The policeman then says to Hette, “May
I see your driving licence?”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He wants to
see your driving licence.”
So Hette gives the officer her licence.
The policeman looks at the licence and
then says, “Ah. I see you are both from Golders Green in London. I spent
some time there many years ago and I’ll always remember the time that I
went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I have ever seen in my life.”
Hette turns to Michael and asks him, “What
did he say?”
Michael yells back at her, “He says he
thinks he knows you.”
(#420) Honesty
One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting
a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When
he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped
his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared
with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter
said "No".
God again went down and came up with a
silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" God asked. The woodcutter
said "No".
God went down again and came up with an
iron axe. "Is this your axe?", God asked. The woodcutter said, "Yes".
God was so pleased with the man's honesty
that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter
was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When
he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"My wife has fallen into the water and
I can’t swim."
God went down into the water and came
up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?", God asked.
"Yes", he said.
God was furious, "YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now
I am going to punish you."
The woodcutter quickly said, "Please forgive
me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said "No" to Jennifer Lopez,
you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said "No" to her, you
would have finally come up with my wife and I would say "Yes". Then you
would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able
to look after all three of them, so that's why I had to say "Yes"...
(#421) The curse
Shirley sat next to Hette, a middle aged
lady, in shul one Shabbos. She couldn’t help but notice Hette’s wonderful,
huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it
but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hette, “I hope you don’t mind
me saying this but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring
is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”
“Oy vay,” said Hette. “Thank you for saying
that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it
has a curse as well.”
“What do you mean?” said Shirley.
Hette replied, “Don’t you know that this
is the Katz diamond?”
Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”
“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond
has a curse.”
“But what ever is this curse?” asked Shirley.
“Mr Katz.”
(#422) Share and share alike
Moishe was eating in Solly’s restaurant
one day when he saw an elderly couple on another table. They had ordered
one plate of salt beef and chips, one drink and one extra glass.
As he watched, the old man carefully divided
the salt beef into 2 portions, then counted the chips and divided them
equally as well. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and
put it in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat and his wife
just sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap.
Moishe had to ask them whether they would
accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split
theirs.
The old man said, “Oh, no, that’s very
kind. We’ve been married 50 years now, and everything has always been and
will always be shared 50/50.”
Moishe then asks the old lady why she
wasn’t eating. She replied, “it’s his turn with the teeth.”
(#423) The change maker
Freda was looking very sad whilst talking
to her best friend Kitty. "Ever since we got married, Robert has been trying
to change me. That’s all he seems to do. He got me to stop drinking, cut
down significantly on my smoking, and he stopped me going shopping at Brent
Cross at all hours of the day. He taught me how to dress well, how to enjoy
the fine arts, he got me to enjoy gourmet cooking, classical music and
recently how to invest in the stock market. He even sent me to Hebrew Classes."
On hearing this, Kitty said, "Sounds like
are just a little bitter because Robert spends so much time trying to change
you."
"I'm not bitter, " said Freda. "Now that
I'm so improved, I find he just isn't good enough for me any more."
(#424) Rodney Dangerfield lines:
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come
on over, there's nobody home." I went right over... and nobody was home!
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to
talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel!
One day as I came home early from work, I
saw a guy jogging naked. I asked him, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning,
put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the
handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My
bath toys were a radio and a toaster!
I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast-fed
me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror and I feel like throwing up. What's
wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect!"
(#425) The gift
Rebecca was the wealthy wife of a very
successful businessman. One day, she decided to have her portrait painted
as a gift to her husband. When she arrived at the artist’s studio for her
first sitting, Rebecca immediately explained to him exactly what she wanted:
'You should paint me like I am. These
little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes,
the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they
all stay. BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds
and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds.
Do you understand?'
The artist looked at Rebecca in earnest
and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical
appearance, but adorn herself with the phoney jewellery.
Rebecca replied: 'When I die, I know my
husband will quickly re-marry. When he does, his new wife will go crazy
looking for the jewels'.
(#426) The line up
The end of the world has come. God looks
over the millions and millions of people and says to them, "Welcome to
Heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter. Go now and follow him. And
you men, I want you to form two lines. The first line, to the left of me,
is for men who dominated their women on earth. The second line, to the
right of me, is for men who were dominated by their women." OK, now line
up.
There was then much movement for some
length of time, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines
of men. The line of the men that were dominated by their women is 150 miles
long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God is angry and says, "You men should
be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and yet you were all
dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up
and made me proud. Learn from him!"
He turns to the man and says, "Tell them,
my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man says, "I don't know, my wife told
me to stand here."
(#427) Serves you right
Morris was manager of a local estate agents.
One day, he hired a new secretary. She was so good looking and sexy that
he decided he just had to try and go out with her, even though this meant
he would be doing it behind his wife’s back. He was very surprised how
successful he was in his new ‘venture’.
But within a few weeks, he was feeling
very unhappy at the way she was working during the day. Her attitude was
one of not caring, being rude to clients and coming in to work late. After
two more weeks, Morris couldn’t let her behaviour continue and he asked
her to come into his office for a little chat.
"Listen, Marlene, we may have gone to
bed together a few times, but who told you that you could start coming
into work late and slacking off?"
Marlene replies, "My lawyer!"
go to seventeenth
set
Comments
(#428) The large family
Max was talking to Louie. “Did you know
that I’m one of 18 children?”
Louie said, “No, I didn’t. Why do you
think your parents had so many children?”
Max replies, “The problem was that my
mum was hard of hearing. When mum and dad went to bed each night, dad would
ask, “Do you want to go to sleep, or what?”
And mum would say, “What?”
(#429) Life’s little conversations
Beckie: “You’ll be sorry – I’m going to
leave you.
Morris: “Make up your mind – which one
is it going to be?”
Beckie (to Sadie): “Just remember to be
nice to your kids – they’ll be choosing your nursing home!”
Morris (timidly to Beckie): “We’re not
going out tonight and that’s semi-final!”
Morris: “Beckie’s two hours late.
Max: “She’s probably been kidnapped or
she’s been involved in a terrible car crash or she’s shopping.”
Morris: “Oy vay! I hope she’s not shopping!”
(#430) The visit to the Rabbi
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi. “Rabbi, last
week I missed saying grace after meals.”
“Why,” asked the Rabbi.
“Because I forgot to wash my hands before
the meal.”
“That’s twice you’ve broken the law but
you still haven’t told me why.”
“The food wasn’t kosher.”
“You ate non-kosher food?” asked the Rabbi.
“It wasn’t a Jewish restaurant.”
“That makes it even worse,” said the now
angry Rabbi. “Couldn’t you have eaten in a kosher one?”
“What, on Yom Kippur?”
(#431) Holiday email
Moishe left the cold climate of Edgware
and went on holiday to Florida. His wife Becky, who was in a Bridge competition,
was planning to join him in Florida the next day.
When Moishe reached his hotel, he decided
to send Becky a quick email to say he’d arrived and all was well. Unable
to find the scrap of paper on which he had written the email address she
had given him, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately,
he missed one letter and his email was directed instead to an elderly woman
whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving woman
checked her email, she took one look at the screen, let out a piercing
scream, fainted and fell to the floor with a thud. At the sound, her family
rushed into the room and saw this email on the screen:
“Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband
P.S. Sure is hot down here.”
(#432) The Wallet
A poor Jew finds a wallet with £700
in it. At his shul, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy Jew has lost
his wallet and is offering a £50 reward to anyone who returns it.
Quickly he locates the owner and gives him the wallet.
The rich man counts the money and says,
"I see you have already taken your reward."
The poor man responds, "What are you talking
about?"
The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet
had £750 in it when I lost it."
The two men begin arguing, and eventually
they come before the Rabbi.
Both men present their case. The poor
man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, "Rabbi, I trust
you believe me."
The Rabbi says, "Of course." The rich
man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the Rabbi takes the wallet
out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.
"What are you doing?" the rich man yells
angrily.
The Rabbi responds, "You are, of course,
an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had £750 in
it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a liar and
a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet
must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the
money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."
"What about my money?" the rich man asks.
"Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody
finds a wallet with £750 in it!"
(#433) Family of the devil
One Shabbos morning, during prayers, there
was a loud BOOM and a sudden flash of smoke appeared in the front of the
synagogue. When the smoke cleared, the astonished congregation saw this
frightening figure in red, complete with horns, pitchfork and tail and
a Jewish Yarmulke.
Immediately, the congregation panicked.
People rushed to the back of the synagogue trying to get away. The devil
watched the retreat with great glee, but his mood was disturbed by the
sight of one man still relaxing comfortably in the third row right side
in his pew.
Angrily the devil thundered, "Do you not
know who I am?"
Morris replied in a nonchalant way, "Sure
I do."
The devil was extremely puzzled. "Do you
not fear me?"
"Nope! Not at all!" came the reply.
"Why not?"
Morris snorted, "What for? I’ve been married
to your sister for 35 years!"
(#434) Humorous Tale Of Rabbi On The
Run
Rabbi Bloom is walking down the street
one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on
a house across the street. However, the boy is very short and the doorbell
is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some
time, Rabbi Bloom moves closer to the boy's position and calls out to him,
"Would you like some assistance?"
The little boy responds "NO!"
Rabbi Bloom continues to watch as he crosses
the street and walks up behind the little fellow. He places his hand kindly
on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, Rabbi Bloom smiles benevolently and
asks, "Is there anything else I can help you with, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Yes, run like
hell!"
(#435) The heat wave
One hot summer’s day in Golders Green,
Jack Gold steps out of his shower and says to his wife, Hette, “It’s just
too hot to wear any clothes today, honey. What do you think the neighbours
would say if I mowed the lawn without anything on?”
Hette replies, “That I married you for
your money.”
(#436) The lesson
Mr. Henry, the maths teacher, enters the
classroom. The students are playing around after the bell. They are not
in their seats. Mr. Henry decides to teach them a lesson.
He calls, "Ivan, name a two-digit number."
Ivan responds, "56."
Mr. Henry, "Why not 65? Sit down, you
have a D minus. Peter, name a two-digit number."
Peter responds, "18."
Mr. Henry responds, "Why not 81? A D minus
for you, too. Moishe, name a two-digit number."
Moishe responds "33."
Mr. Henry replies, "Why not.... Moishe!
Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"
(#437) The promise
Moishe and Betty were sitting in a romantic
restaurant in Soho. Moishe says, “Betty, I’m going to make you the happiest
woman in the world.”
Betty replies, “I’ll miss you.”
(#438) Two quickies
Q: What's a genius?
A: An average student with a Jewish mother.
Morris walked into a lawyer's office and
inquired about the lawyer's rates. "£150 for three questions," replied
the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked Morris.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was
your third question?"
(#439) Rules of Employment.
Bernie met his friend Alf in the street
one day. As Alf was interested in how Bernie’s new job was going, especially
as he was working for a Jewish firm, he asked. “How’s the new job going?
Is it what you hoped it would be?”
Bernie replied, “Working for a Jewish
firm is not all it’s cracked up to be. I handed in my notice yesterday.”
Alf asked, “Why?”
Bernie replied, “The firm is so keen to
improve its profitability, it wants every part of me to contribute 24 hours
a day, 7 days a week.”
Bernie went on to show Alf a page taken
from his Office Manual. Bernie said, “Read this, this is why I resigned.”
HOLIDAYS. Employee’s holidays
are considered by the directors to be completely unnecessary. All employees
should realise that they are lucky to be employed. Should anyone demand
a holiday entitlement, this will be considered by the directors as being
disloyal, the firm will assume that the employee must be unhappy in his/her
work and will cease to be considered an asset to the firm. Dismissal will
therefore have to be seriously considered by the directors.
SICKNESS. The directors will consider
it a sign of weakness should an employee fall ill. It is the duty of every
employee to look after his/her health and therefore be available for duty
on every working day. A visit to the doctor by an employee is considered
totally unnecessary. If they are well enough to visit the doctor, they
are well enough to come to work.
DEATH – OTHER THAN OF THE EMPLOYEE.
If a relative or friend has died, unfortunate as this may be, there is
obviously nothing more that can be done for them. Therefore, the directors
will not accept such a death as a legitimate excuse for not coming into
work. Funerals, if employees must attend them, will have to be arranged
outside of working hours.
DEATH – OF THE EMPLOYEE. If an employee’s
death should occur prior to the mandatory retirement age, the employee
should have arranged a replacement for himself or herself before inflicting
this inconvenience on the firm.
(#440) The taxi ride
Maurice Bloom had just picked up his first
passenger of the evening. After about 5 minutes of driving, the passenger
suddenly tapped Maurice on his shoulder to ask him a question.
Maurice screamed, lost control of his
taxi, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the pavement and stopped only inches
from a shop window.
For a second, everything went very quiet
in the taxi, then Maurice said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You
scared the living daylights out of me.”
His passenger apologised and said, “I
didn’t realise that a little tap could scare you so much.”
Maurice replied, “Sorry, it’s not really
your fault. Today is only my second day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving
hearses for the past 25 years.”
(#441) The invention
Did you hear about the Israeli doctor
who has invented a pill that is a combination of a tranquilliser and Viagra.
Soon after you take it, you get an urge to make love to a woman - but if
you can’t find one, you just don’t care.
(#442) The complaint
Goldberg wrote this letter of complaint
to the creators of a body building course.
Dear Sir,
Since taking your body building course,
I now have a 44 inch chest, a 32 inch waist, 17 inch biceps and an 18 inch
neck. I feel absolutely marvellous but at the same time, I do feel that
my chances of marriage are spoiled.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Goldberg
(#443) A visit to the doctor - 1
Moishe had been married 4 times. He was
now approaching 80 years old and went to see his doctor. When he was shown
in to see the doctor, he said, “Doctor, I have to let you know that I am
soon to get married for a fifth time – to an 18 year old girl.”
His doctor replied, “This could be fatal,
you know.”
Moishe replied, “Well, if she dies, then
she dies.”
(#444) A visit to the doctor – 2
Two weeks later, Moishe again visits his
doctor. “Doctor, I think I’m going impotent.”
His doctor says, “Oh, and when did you
first notice this?”
Moishe replies, “Last night and again
this morning.”
(#445) The accident
Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit
by a 10 ton lorry and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best
friend Morris came to visit him. Bernie struggles to tell Morris, “My wife
Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she
reads to me at the bedside.”
“What does she read?”
“My life insurance policy.”
(#446) Advice
Morris says to his teenage daughter “There
are two words I’d like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’
and the other is ‘gross’.”
“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”
(#447) The Rolls Royce
Hette was a very successful businesswoman.
In 2001, she had such a good year that she bought herself a Rolls Royce.
But a couple of weeks later, she took it back to the dealer and complained
that there were odd, wheezing noises coming from the front end of the car.
The dealer had the car checked and telephoned Hette. ‘We can’t find anything
wrong with the car, as we expected. There’s only one possible explanation,’
he said. ‘Your chauffeur must have asthma’.
(#448) The operation
Morris was a very uneducated man, but
by ruthless means became very rich. The older Morris got, the richer he
got, the richer he got, the more women he had, the more women he had, the
less use he was to them.
One day, Morris went to the top surgeon
in the business and said, “I want to be castrated.”
“You want to be WHAT?”
“I said castrated, my sexual powers are
failing. I insist you operate at once.”
The surgeon was a bit dubious, but in
view of this last statement, and for a fee of £2,000, he carried
out the operation.
Some weeks later, Morris was drinking
in his local pub, listening to the conversation at the next table.
“I say, Barney,” said one of the group,
do you think there’s any truth to the rumour that if a man gets himself
circumcised, it improves his sexual performance?”
Morris quickly left the pub muttering
to himself “Circumcised, that was the word I’ve been trying to think of.”
(#449) What a meal!
Shlomo went on holiday to Spain. One day,
he sat in a Spanish cafe on Fiesta Day and watched the waiter serve a fragrant
and attractive dish to a party at the next table.
“What is that?” Shlomo asked.
“Senor, those are the bull’s testicles
from today’s bullfights.”
“They look excellent! Bring me some.”
“Senor, there is a wait! People sign up
one year in advance for such a delicacy.”
“Then sign me up! I’ll be here this time
next year.”
A year of anticipation later and Fiesta
Day arrives again. Shlomo is in the cafe anxiously awaiting his meal. Finally,
the waiter appears with two leathery little lumps covered by gravy.
“And what is this?” cried Shlomo. “Look
at them! Do you call this a meal for a Jew? Last year they were fragrant
and big and fluffy! What happened?”
“Senor, the bull does not always lose.”
go to eighteenth set
Comments
(#450) The confessions
The night before their wedding, Alf and
Bette were sharing confidences.
Alf said, “You must know something
before we get married. I am a fanatic golfer. I eat, sleep and drink golf.
Golf is my whole life. After we are married, I’ll try for some balance
but I doubt whether I’ll succeed. Just understand - you’re marrying a golf
addict.”
“I can live with that,” said Bette, “now
I’ll tell you my secret - I’m a hooker.”
“A hooker?” Alf repeated. “I can live
with that. Next time, keep your head down and your left arm straight, then
swing through the ball....”
(#451) The Rabbi and the Parrots
One day, Hette approaches her Rabbi after
the service and says to him, "Rabbi, I have a problem. I have two
female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the Rabbi asks.
"They only know how to say, 'Hello, we're
prostitutes, want to have some fun?'"
"Why, that's terrible!" the Rabbi says,
"but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house tomorrow and I will put them with my two male talking
parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew. My parrots will teach your
parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will
learn to praise and worship."
"Oh thank you, Rabbi," Hette replies.
The next day Hette brings her female parrots
to the Rabbi's house. His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and
praying in their cage. Hette puts her two female parrots in with
the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hello, we're prostitutes,
want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other
male parrot and exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! Our prayers have
been answered!"
(#452) The two sons
Bette and Freda were talking about their
sons, both of whom were serving prison sentences.
Bette says: "Oy, my son Michael has it
so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, he never even speaks to
anyone or sees the light of day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible
life."
Freda says: "Well, my son David is in
minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time in the prison
library, takes some classes, and writes home each week.
"Oy," says Bette, "You must get such naches
from David."
(#453) The boat trip
Paul and Bernard are out enjoying themselves
one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.
Bernard says to Paul, "So listen, Paul,
I have a problem, you know I don't swim at all well."
But luckily, Paul remembered how to carry
another swimmer from his lifeguard class years ago when he was just a youngster
and so he begins pulling Bernard towards safety. After fifteen minutes
of this, however, Paul begins to grow quite tired – all his energy had
left him. And finally, just 100 feet from land, Paul asks Bernard, "So
Bernard, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Bernard replies, " Paul, this is a hell
of a time to be asking about money!"
(#454) The janitor
Bernard is not the brightest of men and
is finding it very difficult to find a job. But one day, he applies for
and gets a job as a janitor at the local Catholic Church. They decide to
give Bernard a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work
in a church. Bernard works very hard indeed.
After a week, he is called into the office.
"Bernard, things are working out fine. I just have a few corrections. First,
when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second,
when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross.
Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
(#455) The marriage ceremony
Four young novice nuns were about to take
their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel where
the Mother Superior was waiting to perform the ceremony to marry them to
Jesus. Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Chassidic Jews with
yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards, carrying siddurs, came in and
sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am
honoured that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you
mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the four Jews replied, "We're from
the groom's side."
(#456) The wise man
One day, Bernie was trying to pull out
of a parking place but to his horror, he hit the bumper of the car parked
in front of him. To make matters worse, the incident was witnessed by a
handful of people waiting for a bus.
So Bernie got out of his car, inspected
the damage carefully, took out a pen and a piece of paper and wrote a note,
which he then left under the wiper blade of the other car.
This is what the note said. “Hello, I
have just hit your car and there are some people here watching me. They
think I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number and car
registration number. But I am not.”
(#457) The visitor
David is visiting his parents for dinner
one Friday night. Whilst she is getting the table ready, his mother asks
him to get the olives from the fridge. He opens the fridge to look for
the olives and notices that taped to the inside of the door is a risqué
photo of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but naked young woman.
David asks, “Mum, what’s the photo for?
She replies, “Oh, I put that there to
remind me not to eat too much.”
David then asks, “So, is it working?”
“Yes and no.” she replies. “I’ve lost
15 pounds but your father has gained 20 pounds!”
(#458) Three wise women
What would have happened if three wise
Jewish women had gone to Bethlehem instead of three wise men? They would
have: -
asked directions.
arrived on time.
helped deliver the baby.
hired someone to clean the stable.
made a brisket.
and brought practical gifts.
And what would they have said to each other
after they left?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing
with that shmatta?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin? I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe they let all of those disgusting
animals in there?"
"I heard that Joseph doesn't have a job."
"And that donkey they are riding has seen
better days!"
"We'll just see how long it will take to get
your brisket dish back.
(#459) The Ten Commandments
Here is why God gave the Jews the Ten
Commandments. God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would
like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT
ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then
said, "No way. That would ruin our weekends."
So then God went to the Syrians and asked
them if they would like a commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "it's like, THOU SHALT
NOT STEAL."
The Syrians immediately replied, "No way.
That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Jews and asked
them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Jews said, "OK. We'll take ten!"
(#460) Dead What?"
Moishe was an elderly man and resided
in a nursing home in Hendon. One day he went into the office and informed
his nurse that his penis had died. Realizing that Moishe was old and forgetful,
she decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that, Moishe,"
she replied.
Two days later, Moishe was walking down
the hall at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants.
His nurse saw him and said, "Moishe, I thought you told me your penis had
died."
"It has," Moishe replied, "today is the
viewing."
(#461) Relationships
Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner
at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead
walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, "Hello Moishe."
Sadie immediately asks, "And who was that
girl who just spoke to you?"
Moishe replies, "Oh her, that's my mistress."
"You have a mistress? I don’t believe
you. How long has this been going on?" says Sadie.
"About ten years, on and off." answers
Moishe.
"Ten years?", says Sadie. "You bastard!
I'll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin
you, you wait and see."
"Now hold on Sadie," responds Moishe,
"just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get
only half of what we have together now. You won't have our big house in
Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from
me each year, you won't be able to play golf all day with your friends,
you won’t …."
But before Moishe can continue, a blonde
walks past and says to him, "Hello, nice to see you again."
Sadie asks, "And who was that, another
of your ‘girls’?"
Moishe replies, "No, that's Hyme’s mistress."
"You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?"
says Sadie, surprised.
Moishe answers, "Of course, she’s been
with him for nearly twelve years."
Sadie then says, proudly, "I like ours
a lot better."
(#462) The calculation
One day, Freda said to her husband Tony
"If we were rich, we'd spend six months a year in Florida, six months a
year in Eilat, and six months a year in Spain."
"But dear, I make that eighteen months
in a year on holiday!" said Tony.
"Absolutely, darling. Isn't is wonderful
what one can do with money these days?"
(#463) The prayers
Sadie was a Reuters journalist. One year,
she was assigned to their Jerusalem office and her apartment overlooked
the Wailing Wall. On her first morning, as she was getting ready to go
to the office, she looked out her window and saw an old man praying vigorously,
his head bobbing up and down rapidly. So Sadie, seeing an interesting story
in the making, went down to talk to him.
Sadie asked him, "How often do you come
here to pray?"
"Every day," he replied. "I have come
here to pray on this spot every day for the last 20 years."
"You come every day to the wall? What
are you praying for?" Sadie asked.
The old man replies," I pray for peace
in this angry world in the morning. Then I go home, have my lunch, and
come back in the afternoon. Then I pray for a world free of illness and
disease."
Sadie is amazed. "How do you feel coming
here every day for 20 years and praying for these things?" she asks.
The old man looks at her sadly. "Like
I'm talking to a wall."
(#464) The costume
Emma was nearly 10 years old. One day,
she comes home from school and says to her father, "Daddy, I need a national
costume. My teacher told all of the class to come to school next Monday
wearing our national costumes."
"Oy vay!" he cries. "She's not even ten,
already, and she wants a mink coat!"
(#465) The test
Just before the class took their O-level
maths exams, their teacher asked them the following problem to test how
well they would do in the real exam: -
"A rich man dies and leaves £240,000,000
in his Will. One-third is to go to his wife; one-fifth is to go to his
son; one-sixth to his chauffeur; one eighth to his secretary; and the rest
to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a long silence in the classroom, Saul
raised his hand.
"Yes, Saul," said the teacher.
"A good solicitor!" he replied.
(#466) The check-up
Moishe was 80 years old and his family
decided he needed a full medical check-up. The doctor listened to his heart
and then said, "Uh uh!"
Moishe did not like what he had heard
and asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doctor, "I can quite
clearly hear a serious heart murmur. Do you drink?"
"No," replied Moishe.
"Do you smoke?
"No." replied Moishe.
"Well then, do you have a sex life?"
"Well, now that you ask me, yes." said
Moishe.
"Well then, Moishe, that’s the problem,"
said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll have to give up half your sex life
if you want your heart to last."
Moishe asked, "Which half should I give
up, the looking or the thinking?"
(#467) The slip
One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped
on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could
not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard
cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they
laughed and just stood their watching him drown.
"Help, I can't swim," shouted Jacob.
"Then you will just have to drown," they
replied.
Suddenly Jacob shouts with his last breath:
"Down with the Tsar!"
The policemen immediately rushed into
the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble making.
(#468) The question
Yankele was watching his father, a Rabbi,
write one of his Shabbos speeches.
"How do you know what to say, Daddy?"
Yankele asked.
"Why, son, God tells me", said the Rabbi.
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things
out?"
(#469) How embarrassing!
Sadie was taking her seven year old daughter
Sarah and her friend Rifka to Hebrew classes one Sunday morning and was
embarrassed to hear this conversation between them.
Sarah said to Rifka, "Our family is kosher"
Rifka asked, "What's kosher?"
Sarah replied, "That's when you can't
have cheese with your ham sandwich!!"
(#470) The early morning call
It's nearly four o’clock in the morning
and Sadie wakes up to see her husband pacing up and down the bedroom floor.
"Moishe, come back to bed, it’s not yet
morning" she tells him.
Moishe replies, "I can’t go to sleep.
You know the £10,000 I borrowed from our next door neighbour, Bernie.
Well, it’s due to be repaid tomorrow and I don't have the money. I just
don't know what I'm going to do."
So Sadie gets out of bed and opens the
bedroom window. "Bernie," she shouts on top of her voice, "Bernie, Bernie."
Finally a very tired looking Bernie opens
his window and shouts, "You’re crazy, Sadie. Don’t you know it’s nearly
4 o’clock in the morning? What the hell do you want?"
Sadie shouts back, "Bernie, you know the
£10,000 my husband owes you? Well, he doesn't have it."
Then she slams the window shut, turns
to Moishe and says, now you can go to sleep and let Bernie pace the floor."
go to nineteenth set
Comments
(#471) Grandpa
& Grandma
Grandpa David &
Grandma Andrea were staying overnight at their grandson Paul’s house when
Grandpa David saw a bottle of Viagra pills in the bathroom cabinet. He
asked Paul whether he could use one of the pills.
Paul said, "I don't
think you should take one, Zeida, they're very potent and expensive."
"How much?" asked
Grandpa David.
"£10 for each
pill," Paul replied.
"I don't care,"
said Grandpa David, "I'd like to try Viagra at least once before I die.
But don’t worry, if I do take one, I'll pay you for it."
The next morning
Paul found a cheque for £110 on the kitchen table. He said to Grandpa
David, "Zeida, I told you each pill was £10, not £110."
"I know," said Grandpa
David, "The extra hundred is from your Bubba."
(#472) Jewish
Marriage?
Moishe was sitting
at the breakfast table one Sunday morning reading the News of the World.
He had just read an article about a beautiful film star who had announced
that she was going to marry a football player who was famous not only for
his aggression on and off the field, but also for his lack of IQ and common
sense. In fact he was ‘thick as two planks’.
Like many men, Moishe
loved hearing his own voice and liked to report aloud stories he read from
the paper. So he turned to his wife Sadie and said, "I’ll never understand
why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
Sadie replied, "Why
thank you, darling!"
(#473) The shopping
trip
It was a terrible
evening in Golders Green. The wind was blowing hard, it was snowing and
it was very, very cold. The streets were almost deserted and ‘Bagels Bakery’
was just about to shut when Sidney entered. He looked absolutely frozen.
He was wearing two jumpers, a thick scarf and an even thicker coat. His
umbrella had blown inside out and he looked thoroughly miserable.
As he unbuttoned
his coat, he said to the baker, "Two bagels, please."
The baker looked
surprised. "Only two? Don’t you want anything else?"
"No. I only want
two," Sidney replied. "One for Esther and one for me."
"Is Esther your
wife?" asked the baker.
"Don’t ask silly
questions," replied Sidney, "Of course she is. Do you think my mother would
send me out on a night like this?"
(#474) The drinker
It is Saturday night
and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation
with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, "I must stop drinking
all this Irish whiskey."
"Why do you want
to do that?" asked his companion.
"Because every Saturday
night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk,
make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to
church."
"What's wrong with
that?" the friend asks. "A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night,
drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to
the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said Sean,
"but I'm Jewish."
(#475) Seder Pickup
Lines
Let's make this night
really different from all others nights.
What will you do to
me for two zuzim?
What's a girl like you
doing at a seder like this?
I like my matzo thin,
like my women.
Maybe when Elijah comes,
we can make it a threesome.
I hear that horseradish
is an aphrodisiac.
After four cups of wine,
you look like Cindy Crawford.
Darling, on this night
we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.
I bet I could make you
sing Dayenu!
Did that just say we
were in bondage?
I could never Pass you
Over.
We were strangers (with
emphasis on "were")
You're a 10 in my hagadah.
I'm going to have to
search you for chometz.
How's about we go re-live
the "Darkness" plague up in my room.
I'm like one of the
four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.
(#476) The shopping
trip
An Israeli marries
an Englishman and they decide to live in London. Although she cannot speak
much English, she manages to communicate with her husband. However, problems
always arise whenever she goes out shopping.
One day, she goes
to the butchers to buy some chicken legs, but she doesn’t know how to ask
for them. In desperation, she lifts up her skirt and shows him her thighs.
The butcher gets the message and she leaves with chicken legs.
The next day she
needs some chicken breasts. Again, she can’t describe in words what she
needs to buy, so she unbuttons her blouse and shows the butcher her breasts.
Again, she gets what she wants.
On the third day
she goes out to buy some sausages. She brings her husband to the butcher
shop and. ................... So what does she do?
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What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English.
(#477) The date
Becky and Sadie
had both lost their husbands and were hoping to find new partners. One
day, Sadie says to Beckie, "That nice Bernie Schwartz asked me out for
a date the other day. I know you went out with him recently so tell me
about him before we meet.
Becky replies, "Well
OK, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment exactly on time, just like
a quartz clock. And like a mench he is dressed - fine jacket, beautiful
shirt and a smart tie. He brings me my favourite chocolates, you know,
the ones I would die for. And he comes in an expensive Lexus car, no less,
with a uniformed chauffeur wearing a peaked cap. So then he takes me out
to dinner in Baker Street, a kosher restaurant even, just as I would have
wanted. Then we go see a West End show. Oh Sadie, I enjoyed that evening
so much. But when we come back to my apartment for a coffee, everything
changes. He suddenly goes completely crazy. He grabs hold of me, tears
off my expensive Cerruti dress like it was made of paper and, and ….he
had his way with me!"
Sadie says, "Oy
vey!...So are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Becky replies, "No.
All I’m saying is if you do go out with him, wear shmutters."
(#478) The accident
Moishe was in a
terrible car accident, which mangled his "manhood" and tore it from his
body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that he would have to go privately to have this done - such
an operation was not available under the National Health. Although Moishe
did not have any private medical cover, he told the doctor that it was
not going to be a problem – it was so important, he would pay for it out
of his savings.
"So how much will
it cost?" asked Moishe.
"£4,500 for
a small one, £7,500 for medium and £12,000 for large."
Moishe said, "Then
I’ll have the large one, please."
But the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before making such an important decision
and left the room to allow Moishe to call his wife on his mobile.
Moishe spent 10
minutes discussing his options with Sadie and when the doctor came back
into the room, he found Moishe looking utterly dejected.
"Well, what have
the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
Moishe answered,
"Sadie said she'd rather have a new kitchen."
(#479) Likewise
When Louis was younger,
he just hated going to Jewish weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used
to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're
next, Louis."
But they stopped
doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
(#480) Confessions
Morris and Becky
were chatting one evening. Morris says, "Becky, it’s our 50th wedding anniversary
soon, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated
for a moment, then said, "Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did
this happen?" Morris asks her.
"Well, Morris, You
remember you lost your job a year after we got married and we had no money
and we thought we might have to sell our house? Do you also remember that
I went to see the bank manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our
overdraft and that’s when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept,"
Morris said, "but as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued,
"And you remember years later when you almost died from your heart problem
because we couldn't afford the operation? Remember that immediately after
I went to see the surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing?
Well, that’s when it happened."
"Yes," Morris said,
"that shocks me too, but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive
you. But tell me, Becky, what was the third time?"
Becky responded,
"Do you remember, Morris, when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue
Chairman... and you needed just 12 more votes?"
(#481) "Old" is
when: -
Your friends compliment
you on your new alligator shoes – but you're barefoot.
Going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where
your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
You are cautioned to
slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
"Getting a little action,"
means you don't need to take any fibre today.
"Getting lucky," means
you find your car in the Brent Cross car park.
Your wife says, "Let's
go upstairs and make love," and you reply, "Darling, I can't do both."
(#482) In The Beginning
In the Beginning,
God created heaven and earth and then he created man.
God said, "Adam,
I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly,
what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down
into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
And God explained
it to him.
Then God said, "Then
go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What
is a hill?"
And God explained
that to him.
Then he told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's
a cave?"
And God explained
that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's
a woman?"
So God explained
that to him too, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How
do I do that?"
So God explained
it to him.
Off went Adam, down
into the valley, over the hill, and into the cave and there he found the
woman. In about ten minutes, Adam was out of the cave, over the hill, through
the valley and back with God.
God patiently asked,
"Yes ... how can I help you, Adam?"
And Adam said, "What's
a headache?"
(#483) Knowledge.
Little Moishe asks
his father, “Dad, where do clouds come from?”
His father replies,
“Good question, son. I wish I knew that myself.”
Moishe then asks,
“Dad, how does rain come out of the clouds?”
His father replies,
“Interesting question, son. I must look that up later on.”
Moishe then asks,
“When lightening happens, Dad, why does it always come before the thunder?”
His father replies,
“I used to know that, son, but I’ve forgotten the answer.”
Then little Moishe
asks, “Do you mind me asking you all these questions, Dad?”
His father replies,
“No, of course not son. If you don’t ask, you don’t learn!”
(#484) It’s question
time
Who are the five
most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain, because
he wasn't Abel.
2) Moses, because
he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because
he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because
neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because
he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.
(#485) Bright
spark
When Albert Einstein
was young, he was regularly invited to speak at various conferences. But
he nearly always found himself wishing that he was back in his laboratory
carrying out further pioneering work.
One day, Einstein
said to his chauffeur, "Issy, I am getting so very tired of making these
speeches, but what on earth can I do? ".
Issy replied, "I
have an idea, sir. I've heard you give your presentation many times before
and I'll bet I could quite easily give your talk for you. Why, I even look
and speak like you." Einstein thought for a while, then laughed and replied,
"What a good idea Issy, why not?
So for the next
conference, they exchanged clothes. Einstein put on Issy’s uniform and
peaked cap and then got behind the wheel of the car. When they arrived
at the conference centre, Einstein went and sat at the back of the theatre
and wondered how Issy would cope. He needn’t have worried. Issy gave an
excellent speech and even answered the first few of the questions that
followed. But then one of the other professors asked Issy an extremely
awkward question about the speed of light in relation to the formation
of anti-matter. Quick as a flash, Issy replied, "The answer to your question
is easy. In fact it is so basic that I will ask my chauffeur, who is sitting
at the back of the hall, to answer it for me."
(#486) The nurse
Bernie was almost
90 years old and found it difficult to keep his balance. After his latest
fall, his daughter thought it was now time for her dad to have a full time
nurse looking after him.
Freda duly arrived
and on her first night, Bernie was as usual sitting on his plastic-covered
couch watching TV. All of a sudden, he started to lean over to the right.
Freda quickly pulled him upright. Then Bernie started slowly to lean over
to the left and Freda once again rushed over and straightened him up. This
rigmarole went on for some time.
Later that evening,
the telephone rang. Bernie picked it up.
"Hello Dad, it's
me, Hette," said his daughter. "Is the new nurse doing her job properly?"
"Oh Hette, I’m so
glad you rang. You must get over here as soon as you can," Bernie answered.
Hette replied, "Why,
Dad, whatever’s wrong?"
Bernie then whispered
into the phone, "The tyrant won't let me fart."
(#487) A visit
to a solicitor
Even though Morris
and Sadie had been married for a very, very long time, they still decided
to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden Town. At the first meeting, the solicitor
asks them, "Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look
well into your nineties. Why now of all times?"
Morris replies,
"Actually, I'm 102 and my wife Sadie is 101."
The solicitor is
totally bemused and asks them again "So why do you want a divorce now?"
Sadie replies this
time, "Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead."
(#488) A visit
home
Deborah had left
home to go to London to work as a secretary. Soon after, she began regularly
sending money to her parents, Moishe and Sadie.
Some years later,
Sadie asked Deborah to come home for a visit, as her father was getting
frail. Deborah said she would come to see them that weekend.
You can imagine
Moishe and Sadie’s surprise when Deborah pulled up outside their house
in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into
the house, Moishe muttered aloud, "It seems that London secretaries get
well paid." Deborah walked over to him, took his hands and said, "Daddy
- I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I just didn't want
to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become
a prostitute."
Moishe gasped, put
his hand over his heart and fell to the floor. The doctor was immediately
called, but could not help - Moishe had clearly lost the will to live.
He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting
Sadie and Deborah, Moishe muttered weakly, "What a way to go – murdered
by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Daddy, please,
please forgive me," Deborah sobbed. "I wanted to have nice things to wear
and to have enough money to be able to send you some. The only way I could
think of doing that was to become a prostitute."
On hearing this,
Moishe sat bolt upright in bed, looking already so much better. Smiling
he said, "Deborah, did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant"
(#489) The lover
Shlomo, 80, marries
Becky, a lovely 25-year-old. Because of the great difference in their ages,
Becky thought it sensible to book separate hotel rooms on their honeymoon
- she was worried that he might overexert himself.
On the first night,
Becky is preparing herself for bed when there is a knock on her door. When
she opens it, there is Shlomo ready for action. They unite in conjugal
union and it was good. Shlomo says goodnight and leaves. Becky once again
prepares to go to bed.
But five minutes
later, there's a knock on her door. It’s Shlomo again, once more ready
for action. Pleasantly surprised, Becky again invites him into her bed
and again they make passionate love. Shlomo kisses her goodnight and leaves.
Becky is now quite
tired but as soon as she puts her head on the pillow, there is a knock
at the door and there, yet again, is Shlomo, looking very sprightly and
once more ready for l-o-v-e. Again they make it.
This time, before
Shlomo leaves, Becky says, "I am really very impressed with you, Shlomo.
I thought you were past making love, but you’ve proved me wrong. I’ve made
a good choice in you - you're a special lover. Most of my other lovers
could only manage it once, yet you were able to do it three times."
On hearing this,
Shlomo was very confused. He then looks her in the eyes and asks, "Do you
mean I’ve been here already?"
(#490) The Catman
It was midnight
and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar
alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive
just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag
full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the
police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known
as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
"Did you have an
accomplice?" the judge asks him.
"What's an accomplice?"
asks Morris.
"A partner," replies
the judge. "In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"Of course, what
else?" says Morris, "Who can get reliable help these days?"
go to twentieth set
Comments
(#491) The Rabbi’s
visit
One Sunday morning,
Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons.
"Shalom, Sam. I’ll
come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our synagogue needs
your help. You’ve been a member for over 20 years and I realise that you’re
always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware,
we are in a financial crisis. I've come here to ask you for a little extra
for the new school building fund."
"How much are you
looking to get from me - how big is little?" asks Sam.
"I’ll be honest.
£10,000 would be a tremendous help to us," replies the Rabbi."
Sam responds, "Rabbi,
my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for £25,000
to help her buy that house she saw in Hampstead. And my son David is just
starting at Manchester University and he wants £25,000 to see him
through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy
and she has asked for £30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient
facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that
to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking £35,000. So
Rabbi, if I can say 'no' to them, I can say 'no' to you."
(#492) Fish bait
Moishe went out
fishing. He had driven by the lake many times before and had seen some
other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first
day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman
near him was scooping in one fish after another. Moishe had to know the
secret.
"Excuse me, would
you mind telling me what sort of bait you’re using?" he asked.
The other man looked
around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident
I found that human tonsil works very well."
Moishe couldn’t
match that. He thanked the man and left.
Next day, Moishe
returned to the lake, tried a different bait but still had no luck. Just
as before, there ahead was another man reeling in fish after fish.
"Excuse me," asked
Moishe, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"
"Well, I can but
I am not sure it will do you any good. I am a doctor and I’m using a bit
of human appendix."
"Hmm," thought Moishe.
“I can’t match that. It seems that the fish in this lake will require a
little more effort than normal.”
He left, willing
to give the lake one more try.
On the third day,
Moishe still had no luck. As usual, there was another man near him bringing
in lots of fish. Moishe had to confirm what he already knew.
"Excuse me sir,
but are you a doctor?"
"No, I am a mohel."
(#493) Some more
Adverts from the Israeli newspapers
(see #86 and #125
for previous Adverts)
"Couch potato latke,
in search of the right apple sauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows?
PO Box 43."
"Female graduate
student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No
weirdos, please. PO Box 56."
"Israeli professor,
41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born
woman who speaks English very good. PO Box 123"
(#494) Pesach
problem
It is not generally
known that a few years ago the Jewish community in Madrid discovered at
the last moment that they had no horseradish for making chrain for Pesach.
All the countries they asked replied in the same way, "Sorry, we have none
left to send you."
So, in desperation,
the Spanish Chief Rabbi called his friend in Israel and begged him to immediately
send him some horseradish by air freight. He agreed and three days before
Pesach, a crate of the best grade of tear-jerking Israeli horseradish was
loaded onto an El Al Flight to Madrid. All seemed to be going OK but when
the Chief Rabbi went to the airport to pick up his desperately needed horseradish,
he was shocked to learn that there was a strike and that no crates of any
kind would be unloaded at the airport for at least four days.
So, as it is said,
“The chrain in Spain stayed mainly on the plane.”
(#495) The haircuts
A priest goes to
a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him
how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man,
a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house."
The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When
the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he
finds 12 gold coins on his doorstep.
Some days later,
a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for a shave and a wax.
When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don’t have to give me any
money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't
charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand
and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning,
almost by magic, he finds 12 rubies on his doorstep.
The following week
a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard
trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn’t
ask you to pay anything, it’s on the house, you are a learned and wise
man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser
goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis
on his doorstep.
(#496) I give
you the answer, you give me the question
A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle
East skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian
Belly Dance?
A: A classroom, a
Passover ceremony, and a latke
Q: What is a cheder,
a seder, and a tater?
A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews
recline on Passover?
A: Babylon
Q: What does the
rabbi do during some sermons?
A: Kishka, succah,
and circumcision
Q: What are a gut,
a hut, and a cut?
(#497) Quickies
(mainly Jewish Mother riddles)
Q: Why are many
Jewish girls still single these days?
A: They have not
yet met Dr. Right.
Q: Why was Moses'
mother so happy?
A: Because she not
only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!
Q: What did the Jewish
mother bank cashier say to her customer?
A: “You never write,
you never call, you only visit when you need money.”
Q: What did the Jewish
mother ask her daughter when she told her she had an affair?
A: "Who did the
catering, darling?"
Q: What kind of cigarettes
do Jewish mothers smoke?
A: Gefiltered.
Q: What is the most
common disease transmitted by Jewish mothers?
A: Guilt
Q: Why do Jewish
mothers make great parole officers?
A: Because they
never let anyone finish a sentence.
Q: Why are Jewish
mothers always excused from jury service?
A: Because they
all insist that they're the guilty ones.
Q: Why are there
so few Jewish mothers who are alcoholics?
A: Because alcohol
dulls the pain.
Q: What is a genius?
A: An average student
with a Jewish mother.
Q: What's the difference
between a Jewish mother and a vulture?
A: A vulture waits
until you're dead to eat your heart out."
(#498) An end
to the medical profession?
Hette was talking
to her best friend Freda. "You know, Freda," said Hette, "Being a doctor
these days isn't as great as it used to be. There are now many kinds of
scientist around with much more prestige than doctors. It therefore follows
that in future, many Jewish boys are going to become scientists instead
of doctors."
"I can’t agree with
you at all on this one," replied Freda.
"Why on earth not?"
said Hette.
"Because, my dear
Hette," replied Freda, "it's much more difficult to say, 'My son, the nuclear
physicist.'"
(#499) Moses,
I supposes
One day, George
W. Bush was in an airport lobby when he couldn’t help but notice a very
tall striking man standing on his own in the departure lounge. The man
was wearing a long flowing white robe, and had a long flowing white beard,
flowing white hair, a staff in one hand and some stone tablets in the other.
GWB was so sure
he knew who he was that he felt he had to say something to him. So GWB
approached him and asked, "You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man just stared
at the ground and totally ignored GWB.
GWB wasn’t going
to give up on this, so he stood right in front of the man and again asked,
this time more loudly, " You’re Moses, aren’t you."
The man continued
to stare at the floor.
GWB was having none
of this. He grabbed hold of the man's arm and asked once again, " You’re
Moses, aren’t you."
At last the man
looked up and answered, "Yes, I am Moses".
GWB then asked,
"Do you know who I am?"
The man replied,
"Yes, I know who you are. That’s why I tried to ignore you. The last time
I spoke to a Bush, I had to spend forty years in the desert".
(#500) Oh happy
day
"Congratulations,
Moishe" said the bridegroom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back on today
and remember it as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting
married until tomorrow." replied Moishe.
"I know, I know."
replied his uncle.
(#501) Religious
instruction?
A young, popular,
but controversial teacher tells her 3rd year class that she is an atheist
and asks if there are any other atheists in the class, they must put up
their hands.
Not really knowing
what an atheist was, but wanting to follow their teacher, all but one of
them immediately put up their hands. The exception was Natalie.
The teacher asks
Natalie why she wants to be different to all the others.
"Because I'm not
an atheist," she replies.
"So what are you
then?" asks the teacher.
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher asks
Natalie why she is Jewish.
"I was brought up
knowing and loving God. My Mother is Jewish and my father is Jewish, so
I am Jewish."
"That's not a good
enough reason," the teacher says loudly. "What if your mum was a moron,
and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
"Then I'd be an
atheist," says Natalie, smiling.
(#502) "Who Needs
Food?"
It’s breakfast time.
Sadie asks her husband Moishe, "Would you like some scrambled eggs, perhaps
a piece of toast and grapefruit and coffee to follow?"
Moishe replies,
"No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, Sadie
asks Moishe if he would like something to eat. "How about a bowl of your
favourite home made vegetable soup, followed by a cheese and tomato sandwich
on rye?" she inquires.
Moishe again declines.
"It's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
Come dinnertime,
Sadie asks Moishe if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the delicatessen
and buy him some food. Would he like a nice juicy lamb chop with a tasty
stir-fry followed by apple pie and cream?
Again, Moishe says,
"No thanks, it's this Viagra, it's really taken the edge off my appetite."
"Well," Sadie says,
"Would you mind getting off me and letting me up? I'm starving."
(#503) Jewish
Santa
Father Christmas
was on duty, working in the Brent Cross Shopping Centre. When a little
girl comes up to his table. Santa asks her, "What’s your name, dear, and
what do you want for Christmas?"
The girl replies,
"My name is Mary and I would like a new Barbie doll for Christmas, please."
Santa tells her,
"I will add your Barbie doll to my list, but for now, please take a present
from my toy sack."
Then a little boy
comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "What’s your name, boy, and what
do you want for Christmas?"
The boy replies,
"My name is Peter and I want a Harry Potter remote control car for Christmas."
Santa tells him,
"I will add your Harry Potter car to my list, but for now, please take
a present from my toy sack."
Then another little
boy comes up to his table. Santa asks him, "What’s your name, handsome,
and what do want for Christmas?"
The boy replies,
"My name is Moishe and I'm Jewish. I’m not allowed to ask for anything
from Santa."
Santa points to
his toy sack and whispers in the boy's ear, "Nem tzvay." (take two)
(#504) Tailor,
Tailor and Tailor
In the middle of
Whitechapel, London, there was a little street with just five shops in
it. Every shop was a tailor's shop, except for one, which was empty.
The first was called
George’s Tailor Shop. On its sign was, "Best tailors in the area."
The second was called
Mick’s Tailor Shop. Its sign read, "Best tailors in London."
Then came "The Tailor
Shop". Its sign read, "Best tailors in the UK."
The fourth was "Baring
& Gilow’s Tailors". On its big sign were the words, "Best tailors in
the world."
So Moishe Cohen
took a lease on the fifth shop, the empty one, and Moishe decided to call
it "Cohen’s – Best tailors in the street!"
(#505) The cure
Moishe and Sadie
were touring the Middle East. As part of the day's itinerary, they took
a trip to the local bazaar. The couple visited many of the shops there
and spoke to numerous vendors who were dotted around the square. One of
the stalls was selling sandals. But not any old sandals, said the owner.
"My sandals will increase the sexual prowess of whoever wears them. I guarantee
this."
Moishe told the
owner that he wasn't interested, but Sadie looked at Moishe and insisted
that he buy a pair. She said it might help him. Seeing that look in her
eyes, he decided it was futile to argue.
Before paying for
them, Moishe wanted to make sure that they fitted him, so he tried them
on. Immediately, Moishe grabbed hold of the owner, threw him on the table,
and started to rip his clothes off.
"Stop, stop", yelled
the owner. "You’ve put them on the wrong feet!"
(#506) The negotiation
Moishe the tailor
felt it was time to get a wife so one day plucked up courage to visit a
marriage broker. The broker immediately offered him a beautiful young lady.
"This girl is quite
gorgeous. She’s a real prize, especially as she wants to settle down with
a husband right away. Yours would be a wedding made in heaven," said the
broker.
But Moishe was a
businessman and he never made decisions quickly.
"Look, I need more
information," Moishe told her. "Whenever I buy any cloth, I always ask
to see some swatches first. So before I decide on a wife, I want to see
a sample also."
The broker said
she would pass on Moishe’s request directly to the lady in question. She
then went to visit the intended bride.
"My client says
he is a good businessman and needs to find out exactly what he's buying.
He insists on a sample."
"OK," replied the
girl, "I understand – I am also good at business. Tell him that I don’t
give samples but I am prepared to give him references."
(#507) The pick
up
Sadie and Bernie
were well into their 80s and were still able to look after themselves.
Until, that is, the day a police car pulled up outside their house and
out stepped Bernie. The policeman who escorted Bernie to the door was kind
and understanding. He explained to Sadie that Bernie told him he was lost
in the park and couldn't find his way home.
"Oh Bernie," said
Sadie, "How on earth could you get yourself lost? You've been going to
that park for over 25 years."
Bernie went up to
Sadie and whispered softly in her ear, "Please don’t tell him but I wasn't
lost, I was just too tired to walk home."
(#508) The slow
learner
Young Bernie Gold
was nearly 12 years old and although he had a lower than average IQ, he
was a dutiful and caring son. One day, he was having a chat with his father.
"Dad, it’s Father's
Day on Sunday and I want to buy you something. Mum said I should ask you
what you wanted."
Mr Gold only needed
to think for a moment. "What do I want? I only want one thing - you are
12 months away from your Barmitzvah and I would be so very happy if you
could learn at last to speak Hebrew."
Bernie groaned aloud,
"You know how hard I’m finding it at school to learn new subjects, Dad.
I’m such a slow learner. I just don’t think I would be able to learn Hebrew."
Mr Gold looked squarely
at his son and said, "Bernie, you’re better than you think you are. I’ll
even help you, just as my father helped me. If you could do this for me,
it would please me so very much!"
"OK, I'll try Dad,
just for you, but please don’t be angry with me if I fail."
So next Sunday,
they went to see the Rabbi and soon after that, Bernie was enrolled in
the synagogue’s Hebrew classes. Over the months that followed, Bernie kept
his promise by attending regularly and trying as hard as he could.
One day, Mr Gold
decided to visit the synagogue and check on Bernie’s progress. He entered
the class in the middle of a lesson and when it came to Bernie’s turn to
read, Mr Gold was soon dismayed to discover how little Hebrew Bernie could
manage after all the months that had gone by. Bernie was very slow and
made many mistakes in his reading.
But even worse,
Mr Gold realized that what he was hearing from Bernie was the beginning
of the Kaddish. He was shocked – the Kaddish is the prayer for the dead,
the words that every son is expected to say after the father's death.
"Rabbi, what on
earth are you teaching my son?" argued Mr Gold after the lesson was over.
"I'm only in my 40s - I’m a young man still in good health. I go jogging
and Israeli dancing every week. Do I really look so ill that you are teaching
Bernie to say the Kaddish now?"
The Rabbi replied,
"Mr Gold, please God you should live so long that Bernie is able to say
the whole of the Kaddish over you!"
(#509) 23rd Psalm
for Jewish Princesses
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He leadeth me to
Brent Cross
He giveth me energy
for shopping
He restoreth my
credit card
He teacheth me to
make restaurant reservations
He leadeth me past
Woolworths for mine own sake
Yea, though I walk
by Next, I shall not go in, for thou art with me.
Thy fashionable
clothes they comfort me
Thou preparest diamond
jewellery for me in the presence of mine enemies
Thou anointest my
face with Chanel cosmetics
My cup overflows
Surely designer
clothes shall follow me to the end of my days
And I will walk
on Golders Green Road forever.
(#510) Match that
Moishe Cohen was
82 years old and had made an appointment with Doctor Michaels who was very
well known for his work in curing impotence. Doctor Michaels examined Moishe
carefully and then said to him, "Mr Cohen, I’ve examined every part of
you and I can honestly say that you're in excellent condition for a man
of your age. So tell me, why are you really here?"
Moishe replied,
"My friend Bernie has told me he makes love to his wife 5 times a week,
and I can’t do that, Doctor."
Doctor Michaels
smiled and said, "Yes you can. You can also say you make love as many times
a week as you like."
(#511) First job
Rabbi Bloom had
just accepted a junior role at a NW London synagogue for his first posting.
The senior Rabbi there, Rabbi Gold, was well loved by his congregation
and considered to be very wise with a wicked sense of humour.
One day, not long
after he joined, Rabbi Bloom said to Rabbi Gold, "You know I told you during
my interview that I had won many prizes in the Yeshiva for my sermons?
Well, I don’t think there is a subject in the world that I could not instantly
find a Biblical text for and then incorporate it into a sermon." Rabbi
Gold couldn’t help but decide to put him to the test.
"Rabbi Bloom," he
said, "I want you to give my sermon next Shabbos. But there will be no
need to prepare it in advance. Instead, when you get into the pulpit, you
will find a sealed envelope and inside the envelope will be a single sheet
of paper on which I will have written a one-word topic. I challenge you
to find any kind of text that will fit." Rabbi Bloom thanked Rabbi Gold
for the opportunity and said he looked forward to the challenge with relish.
The day came. Rabbi
Bloom walked up the stairs to the pulpit, opened the envelope, looked at
the sheet of paper on which was written "constipation", and started his
sermon. "And Moses took the two tablets and went off down the mountain....."
(#512) The cure
Moishe went to see
his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold that wouldn’t
clear up. His doctor prescribed him some pills, but they didn't help. On
his next visit, the doctor gave Moishe an injection, but that didn't do
any good, either.
On his third visit,
the doctor told Moishe to go home and take a hot bath. Then, as soon as
he got out the bath, he must open all the windows and stands in the draft.
"But doctor," protested
Moishe, "I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said his
doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."
(#513) The root
of our troubles
Did you know that
the horseradish root goes back in time as far as the matzoh does? The horseradish
root also crossed the Red Sea with the fleeing Israelites. The Israelites
were slaves at the time and only had access to a few vegetables. The hard
and woody horseradish was one of them and was a household staple.
Nearly all the fleeing
Israelites took horseradish with them. Moishe and Sadie, however, while
gathering up their scant belongings, found to their dismay that they had
run out of horseradish. Sadie immediately sent Moishe into the field to
dig up a large horseradish root to take with them. However, because it
was dark and everyone was running around in panic, Moishe dug up a ginger
root by mistake.
After forty years
in the desert, the Israelites finally entered the Promised Land – all,
that is, except Moishe and Sadie. It took them forty-one years to arrive.
When asked where they had been, Sadie, now grown old, shrugged her shoulders
and replied, "Moishe insisted on taking an alternative root."
(#514) A visit
to her husband
It's the yahtzeit
of Bernie Gold’s death and Sadie, his widow, goes to the cemetery to clean
his grave, read a prayer and then place a small stone on the marble, as
is the tradition, to show that the deceased is remembered.
But because she
hadn’t visited his grave for some years, Sadie cannot find Bernie’s resting
place and has to ask an attendant for help. He escorts her to the cemetery
office where all the records are kept.
He made her a cup
of coffee and then spent time looking at maps and lists. After 30 minutes,
he finally turns to Sadie and says, "I can find no record of a Bernie Gold
buried at this cemetery. Are you sure he is here? All I can find is the
grave of Sadie Gold"
"That's him!" Sadie
shouts out. "Bernie always put everything in my name."
go to twentyfirst
set
Comments
(#515) Pharaoh
in need of counselling?
At Passover, we
read the story of Moses and how God brought 9 plagues onto the Pharaoh
and the Egyptians. And we read that because the Pharaoh was stubborn and
still wouldn’t let the Jews leave Egypt, God had to unleash Plague number
10, despite his previous warning. This was the death of the first-born
of every Egyptian family. Only then, after this greatest of terrors, did
the Pharaoh release the Jews from slavery and let them leave Egypt to journey
to the Promised Land.
But in the face
of such convincing evidence that something really bad would happen, why
didn’t the Pharaoh release the Jews after the first nine plagues? It took
years of research by leading Israeli scholars studying the Dead Sea Scrolls
to find the answer. “The Pharaoh was still in deNile”.
(#516) The engineer
Hette arrives home
quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I
had to come home by train, as I couldn’t get my car to start. But I’m sure
I know why.”
“So what’s the problem
then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?” asks Moishe.
“I think there’s
water in the carburettor,” replies Hette.
“How on earth can
you know that?“ says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the bonnet
or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburettor
is.”
“Maybe so,“ says
Hette, “but I still think there’s water in it.”
Moishe then says,
“OK, I’ll go along with you. Let’s check it out right now. Where did you
leave the car?”
Hette replies, “In
the lake!”
(#517) What your
grandmother told you
If you can't say something
nice, say it in Yiddish.
If you don't eat, it
will kill me.
Never take a front-row
seat at a bris.
Always whisper the names
of diseases.
Without Jewish mothers,
who would need therapy?
If it tastes good, it's
probably not kosher.
Why spoil a good meal
with a big tip?
Twenty percent off is
a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.
Wine needs to breathe
so don't rush through the kiddish.
Never pay retail.
No one leaves a simcha
hungry; but then no one leaves with a hangover.
And what's so wrong
with dry turkey?
Anything worth saying
is worth repeating a thousand times.
Where there's smoke,
there may be smoked salmon.
Next year in Jerusalem.
The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
A shmata is a dress
that your husband's ex is wearing.
(#518) The question
Moishe and Freda
were sitting together one evening watching a DVD movie, as they did every
night. But on this occasion, Moishe suddenly says, "So, darling, whatever
happened to our sexual relations?"
Freda didn’t answer
straight away, but when she did, she replied, "You know, I don't even think
we got a New Year card from them this year."
(#519) Punishment
2002
Bernie was talking
to his friend Jack about his rebellious son Yossi. "When I was a youngster
and did something wrong, my parents punished me by sending me to my bedroom
without supper. I hated it. But our Yossi has his own colour TV, phone,
computer and DVD player in his bedroom so we can’t do that - it wouldn’t
be much of a punishment."
"So what do you
do, then?" asked Jack.
"We send him up
to our bedroom without supper!"
(#520) The arrangements
Although Miriam
Cohen had a good job designing clothes in a top shop in Golders Green,
she wasn’t satisfied with being single. In fact she and her mother, Freda,
shared the same wish – Miriam should marry a wealthy man, please God.
One day, Miriam
came home from work with eyes red and sore from crying and went straight
to Freda. “Mum, I'm pregnant. Please don't get upset - the father is my
boss.” Miriam then began to cry again and Freda had to stay with her most
of the night. The next morning, an angry Freda went with Miriam to see
her boss.
“Nu, she said, so
what's going to happen to Miriam now?“
Miriam’s boss was
a handsome, single, well dressed man of 32. He replied, “Please take a
seat Mrs. Cohen and don’t worry. I'm taking care of all the arrangements.
Before the baby is born, Miriam will have the best doctor money can buy.
Later on, she'll be booked into the best private clinic in London and after
the baby is born, I will set up a trust fund for Miriam. She will receive
£1,000 each week until the baby reaches 21. I can’t do better than
that.”
Freda was initially
taken aback by this news but then responded, “Tell me,” she said, “God
forbid Miriam should have a miscarriage, but if she does, will you give
her a second chance?”
(#521) It’s magic
Moishe goes to Brent
Cross shopping centre with his ten-year-old son, Paul. Paul is flicking
a 20p coin up in the air with his thumb and each time catching it between
his teeth. But then someone bumps into Paul and the 20p coin goes straight
down his throat. Paul starts to choke and soon begins to turn blue. Moishe
starts to panic and shouts and screams for someone to help him.
An ordinary looking
man in a blue suit is sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading his
newspaper. He puts down his cup and paper, gets up and walks towards Paul,
who is now close to collapse. When he gets to him, the man takes hold of
Paul’s testicles and squeezes them gently but firmly. Straight away, Paul
coughs up the 20p coin into the man’s free hand. The man gives the coin
to Moishe and walks back to his bench to finish off his coffee. Not a word
was said during this event.
Moishe is overwhelmed
with gratitude and quickly goes over to the man to thank him. The man looks
embarrassed and tells Moishe he doesn’t have to thank him. But Moishe says,
"You’re a hero. I've never heard of anyone doing what you just did - it
was pure magic. What are you, a doctor?"
"Oh, no, " the man
replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."
(#522) Growing
up
Little Benny and
little Sarah are at Edgware infants’ school. One day during lunch, Sarah
says, “Benny, do you want to play mummies and daddies with me?”
Benny replies, “OK.
What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to communicate
your thoughts,” she says.
“Communicate my
thoughts?“ says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.”
Sarah instantly
smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine then. You can be the
daddy.”
(#523) Advertisement
in the Jewish Gazette
FOR SALE BY
OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF
ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITTANICA
45 VOLUMES
EXCELLENT CONDITION
£500 OR NEAR
OFFER
NO LONGER NEEDED
JUST GOT MARRIED
WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING
(#524) Grandma’s
saying
Harry and his neighbour
Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow
Joe’s ladder. Joe said, “Sorry Harry, I’ve lent it to my son.”
Remembering a saying
that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never
lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don’t
worry, it’s not my ladder. It's my dad's."
(#525) Gay service
One Sabbath, Joseph
discovers a gay shul in Hendon. He's very excited. It is exactly what he
had been looking for. There's a gay cantor and a gay Rabbi, and even the
congregation is mostly gay. So with a happy heart, Joseph sits down and
joins in the service.
Soon, however, he
just can’t help noticing the handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard
as he tries, he can’t stop himself – Joseph puts his hand on the young
man's knee.
Immediately two
large men rush over to Joseph, pick him up, quickly carry him out of the
shul and forcibly throw him out into the street.
As he picks himself
up, Joseph says, "Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this
was a gay synagogue."
"It is," one of
them replied in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."
(#526) JEWISH
QUIZ
If you are Jewish,
or an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or work with Jews,
or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know to survive!
Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function as a Jew: -
There are no Jews
living in: -
a) sin;
b) Cornwall;
c) caravan parks;
In a Jewish household,
the cleaning lady is expected to: -
a) do the windows;
b) make latkes;
c) attend all bar
mitzvahs and weddings;
To make a good pet
for a Jewish child, an animal must be: -
a) gentle;
b) housebroken;
c) stuffed;
Jews spend their
holidays: -
a) sightseeing;
b) sunbathing;
c) discussing where
they spent their last holiday & where they'll go next;
If there's a hairdresser
in your immediate family, you are: -
a) up on the newest
style;
b) entitled to free
haircuts;
c) not Jewish;
Wilderness means:
-
a) no running water;
b) no electricity;
c) no hot and sour
soup;
The most popular
outdoor sport among Jews is: -
a) jogging;
b) tennis;
c) plutzing over
the neighbours swimming pool;
Jews never drive:
-
a) unsafely;
b) on Saturdays;
c) eighteen wheel
lorries;
A Jewish skydiver
is: -
a) careful;
b) insured;
c) an apparition;
No Jewish person
in history has ever been known to: -
a) become a prostitute;
b) deface a synagogue;
c) remove the back
of a TV set;
Jews never sing:
-
a) off-key;
b) "Nel Blu di Pinto
di Blu";
c) around a piano
bar;
Scoring: 1 point
for each "a)" answer, 2 for each "b)" and 3 for each "c)".
30-33 points: Mazeltov!
You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family
carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their
traditions, or else you're from Golders Green or Edgware.
(#527) The cow
One Sabbath afternoon,
Jacob was in the Rabbi’s office and was looking out the window when he
said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted
to save it or should one let it drown?"
The Rabbi looked
up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over
a cow."
"That's a shame,"
says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it’s drowning."
The Rabbi replies,
"Yes, it's too bad."
Jacob continues,
"Its head is now going under and it's certainly going to die. I feel sorry
for the animal."
"Yes," said the
Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"
"And I feel so sorry
for you," Jacob said.
"Why me?" said the
Rabbi looking up.
"It is your cow."
(#528) It’s obvious
Young Morris asked
his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"
His father put down
his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning
and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He replied, "If
we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that
Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish
girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't
listening.)
"Therefore, we can
drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that,
we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say,
'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"
(#529) A lesson
in economics
Issy is walking
down the High Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did
you know, Jacob, that I'm a walking economy."
Jacob answers, "What
do you mean by that?"
"Well it's like
this Jacob," says Issy. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a
victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me
into a deep depression."
(#530) Fantasy
Ask any man and
he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at
once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears
that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy,
one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
(#531) Jumping
to conclusions
Hetty was the local
gossip and self-appointed guardian of the town's morals. One day, she accused
Moishe in front of a number of people of being an alcoholic, because she
saw his car parked in front of the local wine merchant.
Moishe was a wise
man. He just stared at her for a moment, said nothing and walked away.
Later that night,
Moishe parked his car in front of Hetty’s house and left it there until
morning.
(#532) The lesson
Little Sarah was
attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the
lesson, she asks her teacher, "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"
The teacher asks,
"How old is your mother, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "She’s
thirty eight years old, Miss."
The teacher then
says, "Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant."
Sarah then asks,
"Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?"
The teacher asks,
"How old is your sister, Sarah?"
Sarah answers, "She’s
eighteen, Miss".
The teacher says,
"Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
So Sarah then asks,
"Can I get pregnant, Miss?"
The teacher asks,
"How old are you, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "I'm
seven years old, Miss".
The teacher says,
"No, Sarah, you can't get pregnant."
Little Maurice,
who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, "see,
Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
(#533) What to
choose
Becky is out doing
her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by
the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she
goes up to one of the assistants and asks, "Excuse me. Can you explain
the differences between all these toilet rolls, please?"
"Of course," he
replies. He points out one brand, "This is our best because it’s as soft
as a baby's kiss. It's £1.50 per roll." He picks up another roll
and says to her, "This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but
gentle and it's £1.00 a roll." Then, pointing to the bottom shelf
he tells Becky, "We call that roll our No Name brand, and it's 50p per
roll."
"Give me the No
Name," says Becky.
One week later,
Becky goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant.
"I've got a name
for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough,
it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
(#534) Vive la
difference
Maurice and Hetty
were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening,
as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes
her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did
you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's
for 50 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for
a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her
tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams.
"What was that for?"
Maurice looks at
her and replies, "That's for knowing the difference."
(#535) A dilemma
If a married Jewish
man is walking alone in a park, and expresses an opinion, without anybody
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
go to twentysecond
set
Comments
(#536) The conversation
Rabbi Bloom and
Father O’Reilly were arguing one day about religion. They went on for some
time and very soon, things began to get out of hand.
Then Rabbi Bloom
said, “We must not quarrel in this way. It’s not right. We are both doing
God's work, you in your way and I in His.”
(#537) Room 50
Maurice, 53 years
old, thought he was quite fit so he decided to join ‘David’s Place’, the
up market London health club. It seemed all the Jews in North London went
there.
On his first day,
Maurice went to Room 50, the exercise room for over 50s, and tried out
their stair-step machine. He told the instructor what he wanted to do and
the instructor asked, "Shall I set it for five, ten or twenty minutes?"
"Make it ten," Maurice
replied conservatively.
But after only a
few minutes on the machine, his legs felt like lead and he could hardly
breathe. So he got off the machine. As he limped past some of the other
men in Room 50 who were resting from their workouts, Maurice said to them,
"I could only take three minutes on that thing."
"OK, OK, " replied
one of them, "You don’t have to brag about it."
(#538) The third
trip
Did you know that
Moses had to make a third trip up to the top of Mount Sinai?
Well, on this third
trip, Moses arrived at the burning bush after much climbing, removed his
sandals, kneeled and prayed to God.
"Oh mighty God,
King of the Universe, your people have sent me back here to ask you a question
about the Ten Commandments."
"What question do
they have for me?" roared the voice of God.
"They want to know
whether the commandments are listed according to priority."
(#539) Holiday
planning
Sadie, an elderly
lady, is sitting in a restaurant in Brent Cross Shopping Centre sipping
her tea. Next to her, three nuns were discussing where to go on holiday.
The 2nd nun says
to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem."
"No," says Mother
Superior, "there are too many Jews there."
The 3rd nun says
to Mother Superior "Let's go to Philadelphia."
"No," says Mother
Superior again, "also too many Jews there."
The 2nd nun again
speaks and says, "Let's go to Paris."
Yet again Mother
Superior replies, "No, too many Jews there too."
Sadie had heard
enough.
She leans over and
says to them, in a thick, loud Yiddish accent, "Vell, vhy don't you go
to Hell, dere are no Jews dere!!!!"
(#540) I’ve given
it up
Alf arrives home
from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him,
telling him that their friend Michael Bloom has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Alf,"
she says, "someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking
all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you
definitely don’t have."
But Sadie hadn’t
finished.
"And that’s not
all. I hear that Bernard, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving
up drinking – another example of the kind of will power that you don’t
have."
"OK, Sadie," said
Alf, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am
going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you
that I won’t be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Alf keeps to his
word.
One night, when
he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom
door.
Alf shouts out,
"What do you want?"
Sadie replies, "Bloom
has started smoking again."
(#541) Honesty
Maurice and Sarah
were Londoners and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many
months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should
have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty
finding a suitable apartment to live in. Although many were big enough,
the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there.
If only Maurice wasn’t so honest about the size of his family!
After several days
of unsuccessful searching, Maurice had an idea. He told Sarah to take the
four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the
older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the
morning, Maurice found a place that was ideal.
The landlord asked
him, "How many children do you have?"
Maurice answered
with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."
He got the apartment!
(#542) Finals
Rifka told her daughter.
"You should read your Bible, Sarah, just like Grandma does."
Sarah replied, "I
don't have to yet, mummy. Grandma's studying for her final Exams"
(#543) Revenge
It was Benny’s third
birthday party and he was having a lovely time. Soon it was time to open
his presents. One was from his grandma Freda and in it he discovered a
water pistol. He jumped up and down with delight and then ran to the nearest
sink to fill it up.
But his mother was
not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, "I'm surprised at you, Mum.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols when
we were young?"
Grandma Freda smiled
and then replied, "I remember. Of course I remember"
(#544) Death bed
scene
Benny had worked
long and hard all his life and now his end was near. His family had all
gathered around his hospital bed. Through half-closed and watery eyes and
with a very croaky voice, Benny said, "Sadie darling, are you here?"
"Yes, dear, I’m
here."
"Sam, are you here?"
"Yes, dad, I’m here."
"Hannah, are you
here?"
"Yes, daddy."
"Rifka, are you
here?"
"Yes, dad."
"Harry, are you
here?"
"Yes, grandpa."
Then, struggling
to sit up and using his last ounce of strength, Benny shouted, "If you’re
all here, who on earth is looking after the shop?"
(#545) My Yidishe
Momma - part 2
(See also 3rd set
of jokes #99)
My mother taught
me MEDICINE
"If you don't stop
crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My mother taught
me TO THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass
your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My mother taught
me ESP
"Put your sweater
on - don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My mother taught
me TO MEET A CHALLENGE
"What were you thinking?
Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!"
My mother taught
me HUMOUR
"When that lawn
mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught
me RESTRAINT
"Don't eat so fast.
If you don't chew, you don't digest and the doctor will have to remove
your stomach.
My mother taught
me the UNKNOWN
"I gave you £2
last week. Where did it go? "
My mother taught
me RELIGION
"If you don't learn
Hebrew, you won't be barmitzvah’ed and, if you're not barmitzvah’ed, I'll
die of embarrassment!"
(#546) Home return
Moshe had been away
on a lengthy business trip and on the plane back home, he began thinking
of all the romantic things he would do on his return. So when he came home,
he quietly suggested to Becky that they go to bed early that night for
a bit of l-o-v-e. But Becky said, "Oh Moishe, I'm so tired from looking
after the house all the time you were away. Please, another time if you
don’t mind."
The next night Moshe
asked again. Becky said, "Oy vay, Moishe, such a terrible headache I have
got. I won’t be able to do anything and it wouldn't be any good. Please,
wait a bit longer."
On the third night,
Moshe had gotten just a little impatient. "How about it?" he said, a bit
abruptly.
Becky snapped back
at him, "Moishe. This is the third night in a row you've asked me. What
are you? Some kind of sex maniac?"
(#547) The cure
Yenta had to call
in the doctor to check her husband Lionel. He didn’t seem to be at all
well.
After the doctor
had examined Lionel, he said to Yenta, "Your husband is very exhausted
and fatigued and needs a lot of peace and quiet. If you want to help him
recover, please take one tranquilliser, four times per day."
(#548) You’re
in the army now
Isaac Rokenson was
a new recruit in the British Army. On his first day, an officer came up
to him and said, "What is your name?"
"Isaac Rokenson,"
he replied.
The officer shouted
at him, "You must say 'Sir' when you answer an officer of the British Army.
What's your name?"
"Sir Isaac Rokenson,"
came the reply.
(#549) The storytellers
Sidney and Abe,
both in their seventies, met in Edgware High Street one Sunday morning.
Straight away, they started their gossiping and story telling.
"So, Abe, what's
new?" Sidney asked.
Abe, looking very
worried, replied, "I’m sorry to have to say that only this morning I had
a great story to tell you, but I've forgotten it already."
Sidney replied,
"Well, if it's about ‘forgotten stories’, I have a better one to tell you
than that - if only I could remember it!"
(#550) The kitten
One Sunday morning,
Rabbi Bloom’s kitten climbed up a tree in his front garden and wouldn’t
come down. He tried everything. He pleaded with it - “Here kitty kitty,”
he said, many times over. He placed a bowl of milk by the tree and then
placed his pet’s basket by the tree, but the kitten would not budge. So
the Rabbi thought about the problem for a while and came up with a solution.
He tied one end
of a rope to the tree, attached the other end to his car and drove away
slowly. The tree began to bend but every time he got out the car to check,
he found he still couldn’t reach his kitten. He tried one more time and
drove on a little bit farther. But the rope suddenly broke, the tree snapped
upright and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
Rabbi Bloom immediately
went looking for his kitten. He asked everyone he saw if they'd seen a
little kitten, but none had. He was very sad it had gone, it had become
good company.
Some days later,
he met Freda in the Deli and was surprised to see some cat food in her
basket - he knew she hated cats.
" Freda, why are
you buying cat food when you hate cats?" he asked.
"You won’t believe
me, Rabbi," she replied. "My daughter Sarah had been begging me for
weeks to buy her a cat, but I kept on refusing. A few days ago, Sarah nagged
me yet again, and I told her that if God gives her a cat, she could keep
it. I watched Sarah go out into the garden, look up to the sky, and ask
God for a cat. Really, Rabbi, I know you won't believe this, but I saw
it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the empty sky, with
its paws spread out, and landed right in front of Sarah. And that’s why
I’m buying cat food!"
(#551) A debt
repaid
Shlomo and Sidney
are walking home late one night when they see a crowd of drunken yobs coming
towards them.
“Sidney," says Shlomo,
"do you know that £500 you lent me recently?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney.
Well,” said Shlomo,
“here, you can have it back now.”
(#552) The eight
nights of Chanukah
On the first night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the second night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, two matzoh balls and a warm bagel topped
with cream cheese.
On the third night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls,
and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fourth night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, four pounds of salt beef, three golden
latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the fifth night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of
salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped
with cream cheese.
On the sixth night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers,
four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a
warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the seventh night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, seven rabbis dancing, six boobas cooking,
five pickled cucumbers four pounds of salt beef, three golden latkes, two
matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with cream cheese.
On the eighth night
of Chanukah, someone sent to me, eight fiddlers fiddling, seven rabbis
dancing, six boobas cooking, five pickled cucumbers, four pounds of salt
beef, three golden latkes, two matzoh balls, and a warm bagel topped with
cream cheese.
(#553) Two quickies
Moishe and Bernie
were in court and standing before the judge.
"Why can't this
case be settled out of court?" the judge asked.
Moishe looked up
at the judge and said, "That's what we were trying to do, your honour,
when the police interfered."
The little village
was very poor. The people could hardly pay their rabbi. It was lucky that
the rabbi was such a pious man who fasted twice a week, because if he wasn’t,
he would have starved.
(#554) Not a Jewish
joke, but I like it anyway
A dustman goes into
a Chinese takeaway and says to the owner, “Where’s yer bin?”
“I been Hong Kong.”
“No, no, where’s
yer wheelie bin?”
“I weally bin Hong
Kong.”
go to twentythird
set
Comments
(#555) The bacon
tree
Back in the cowboy
days, the westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans
had been seen for days. And then they saw an old Jew sitting beneath a
tree.
The leader rushed
to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace
ahead where we can get food?"
"Vell," the old
Jew said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down de other side. Somevun told
me you'll run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?"
asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree.
Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes
back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find
food on the other side of the next ridge.
"So why did he say
not to go there?" some pioneers asked.
"Oh, you know those
Jews-they don't eat bacon."
So the wagon train
goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and
massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the
old Jew, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man
starts shouting. "You old fool! You sent us to our deaths!
We followed your
instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who
killed everyone."
The old Jew holds
up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute."
He then gets out
an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt,
I made myself ah big mistake."
"It vuz not a bacon
tree. It vuz a ham bush!"
(#556) The visitor
Ruth had just stepped
out of the shower when she heard her doorbell ring.
“Who is it?” she
shouted downstairs.
“It’s the blind
man,” came the reply.
Ruth decided it
didn’t matter if she opened the door without any clothes on because the
man was blind. In fact she thought it would be a rather daring thing to
do.
So she opened the
door wide and he said, “It’s John Lewis Department Store, Brent Cross.
Where do you want me to put these blinds?”
(#557) Quickie
Q: Why are
Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?
A: Because
they’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
(#558) A miracle!
A group of Rabbis
were having lunch in “Isaacs White House” kosher restaurant. Unfortunately,
Isaac served them watermelon spiked with whisky that he had prepared for
another table and he realised his mistake too late to do anything about
it. All Isaac could do was wait in his kitchen and expect the worst.
As soon as the waiter
came back into the kitchen with the empty plates, Isaac grabbed hold of
him and asked, "What did they say, please tell me, what did they say?"
"Nothing at all,
Mr Isaac," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy searching for the
watermelon seeds and putting them into their pockets."
(#559) Fit for
life
Morris had reached
60, so he went to see doctor Myers for a full medical check-up. When he
had finished, doctor Myers said, "Relax, Morris, you’re in very good shape.
I can’t find anything wrong with you. You’ll probably live till you’re
100. So how old was your father when he died?"
Morris replied,
"Did I say he was dead?"
Doctor Myers then
asked, "How old is your father, is he still active?"
"He’s 83 and goes
jogging and Israeli dancing every week." Morris replied.
Doctor Myers was
very surprised. "How old was your grandfather when he died?"
Morris again answered,
"Did I say he was dead, doctor?"
Doctor Myers was
astonished. "You mean to tell me that you are 60 years old and both your
father and grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather active?"
Morris replied,
"He goes swimming twice a week, and plays a full round of golf every Sunday,
weather permitting. Not only that, he is 107 years old and next month he
is getting married again."
Doctor Myers said,
"If he’s 107 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get
married?"
Morris looked Doctor
Myers in the eye and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
(#560) You shouldn’t
ask that
When Jacob was finally
given an exit visa by the Russians and allowed to immigrate to Israel,
he was told he could only take what he could put into one suitcase. At
Moscow airport, he was stopped by customs and an official shouted, "Open
your case at once."
Jacob did what he
was told. The official searched through his case and pulled out something
wrapped in newspaper. He unwrapped it and saw it was a bust of Stalin.
"What is that?"
he shouted at Jacob.
Jacob replied, "You
shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our
glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to remind me of the wonderful things
he did for me and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
The official sneered.
"I always knew you Jews were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived
at Ben Gurion airport, a customs officer said, "Shalom, welcome to Israel,
open your case, please!"
Jacob's case was
once again searched and not surprisingly the bust was found. "What is that?”
asked the officer.
Jacob replied, "You
shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is Stalin
the bastard. I want to spit on it every day to remind me of all the suffering
and misery he caused me."
The official laughed,
"I always knew you Russians were mad. Go, and take the bust with you."
When Jacob arrived
at his new home, his young nephew watched him as he unpacked. Jacob carefully
unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked
his nephew.
Jacob replied, "You
shouldn't ask 'Who is that?' - you should ask 'What is that?' That is five
kilos of gold."
(#561) The miracle
Sadie had passed
away and her funeral service was being held at Bushey cemetery. Morris,
her husband for over 40 years, had tears in his eyes. At the end of the
service, as the coffin was being wheeled out, the trolley accidentally
bumped into the doorframe and jarred the coffin. To everyone’s total shock,
they heard a faint moaning coming from the coffin. They quickly opened
it and found that Sadie was alive. Wonder of wonders – a miracle if ever
there was one.
Sadie and Morris
lived together for 10 more years and then Sadie died. The ceremony was
again held at Bushey. At the end of the service, as the coffin was being
wheeled out on the trolley, Morris shouted out, "Watch out, don’t hit the
doorframe again!"
(#562) A call
to the hospital
A woman telephoned
the Middlesex Hospital.
"Hello, I'd like
to talk to someone who can give me some up-to-date information about one
of your patients."
The operator said,
"Please hold while I find someone who can help."
Soon, an authoritative
voice said, "I’m the hospital manager. Are you the lady who is asking about
one of our patients?"
"Yes," she replied,
"I'd like to know exactly how Rifka Levy in Room 23 is doing." He replied,
"Levy, now let me see…Lewis, Levine, Levy… yes, I have Mrs Levy’s details
here. It says she is doing very well. She's eaten two full meals and her
doctor says if she continues improving, he is going to release her on Tuesday.
Is that the information you need?"
The woman said,
"Yes, it’s wonderful news that she's going home on Tuesday. I'm so happy."
The manager then
asked, "From your excitement, you must be one of Mrs Levy’s close family."
She says, "What
close family? I am Rifka Levy. My doctor won’t tell me anything.”
(#563) The mezuzah
Many years ago,
when I was a young boy, I found a mezuzah on the wall of a deserted house
near my street. As there was still time before I had to get home for my
tea, I pulled it off the wall and opened it. Inside, I found a piece of
old paper on which was written the words that I will never forget: -
"Please help me.
I'm being held prisoner in a mezuzah factory."
(#564) Language
barrier
One Succoth, as
two African Americans are standing on Brooklyn Bridge, Moishe walks past
carrying a Luluv and Estrog.
"Hey man, Jew, where
you goin' with that palm tree and that lemon?" they ask.
"I'm going to shul."
Moishe replied.
"What's ‘shul’?"
they ask.
"Well, come with
me and I'll show you." Moishe said.
So one goes with
Moishe to synagogue and later returns to his friend after services.
"Dem Jews is crazy,"
he says. "First dey says 'oh no,' den dey says 'Ah don' know' and den dey
says 'How sh'Ah know?'"
(#565) False identity
Sadie says to her
husband, "Moishe, I'm fed up with frozen chickens. I don’t want any more
‘gershtinkener’ chickens. Please buy me a live chicken for a change. Then,
when you bring it home, I'll get the Rabbi to ‘gerharget’ it and kosher
it. Then I can make for us a lovely meal."
So Moishe goes to
the market and buys the chicken. On his way back, he sees that Funny Girl
is showing at the Phoenix cinema, Finchley. So he rings Sadie on his mobile.
"Sadie," he says,
"They're showing Funny Girl at the Phoenix. I think I’ll see it before
I come home. I missed it first time round and this is a new digitally enhanced
release."
"OK," replies Sadie,
"but what about the chicken?"
"I'll take it inside
with me." Moishe answers. So he stuffs the chicken down his trousers and
goes in to see the film.
Unfortunately, during
the film, the chicken pokes its head out of Moishe's trousers. Two women
are sitting next to Moishe and one turns to the other and whispers, "There’s
a man next to me with his shmackel sticking out of his trousers."
Her friend says,
"Why be shocked? If you've seen one, you've seen them all."
"But this one's
different. It’s eating my Popcorn."
(#566) The three
questions
Abe went to see
his Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I would be grateful if you could explain
the Talmud to me."
"Very well, Abe,"
said the Rabbi, "First, I need to ask you a simple question."
"If two men climb
inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"
"The dirty one,"
replied Abe.
"No, Abe. They look
at each other. The dirty man thinks he is clean but the clean man thinks
he is dirty and washes."
"Now another question,"
said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb
inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"
Abe smiled, "You
just told me that one, Rabbi. The clean man, because he thinks he is dirty."
"No, Abe." said
the Rabbi. "They each look at themselves. The clean man knows he doesn't
have to wash and the dirty man washes himself."
"Now one final question,"
said the Rabbi.
"If two men climb
inside a chimney and one comes out dirty and the other one comes out clean,
which one washes himself?"
This time Abe frowned,
"I don't know, Rabbi. It could be either one, depending on your point of
view."
"No Abe," said the
Rabbi. "If two men climb inside a chimney, how could either of them come
out clean? They are obviously both dirty and so they both wash."
Abe was now thoroughly
confused, "Rabbi, you asked me exactly the same question three times, yet
you gave me three different answers. Are you playing games with me?"
"No, Abe, I would
never joke with you. This is Talmud."
(#567) In the
lift
As the doors shut
and the crowded lift made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very
angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice
young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be
in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were
about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud,
"I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my bottom!"
Sadie and Morris
didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got
in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, "You know darling, I really
didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't,"
said Sadie smiling, "I did."
(#568) The present
Harry had some shopping
to do at John Lewis department store. He walked into ladies wear, went
up to the lingerie counter and quietly said to the women behind the desk,
"I'd like to buy a bra as a present for my wife."
"Of course, sir,
what type of bra would you like to buy?" she asked.
"What type?" replied
Harry, "do you mean to say there is more than one type?"
"Of course. Let
me explain," she said and began to show Harry bras in a variety of shapes,
sizes, colours and materials. Harry looked bewildered.
"There’s no need
to be confused,“ she said, “there are really only four types of bra."
When Harry asked
her what the four types were, she replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation
Army type, the Presbyterian type and the Jewish type."
Still confused,
Harry asked, "What are the differences between them?"
The saleslady answered,
"The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up
the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the
Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."
(#569) The chase
Shlomo’s business
had done so well that he treated himself to a brand new 5 litre Mercedes
convertible. When he picked up the car from the dealers, he decided to
take it out on a spin on the Motorway. Soon he was driving at 80 mph with
the wind blowing through his hair. "This is brilliant," he said to himself
and increased his speed a bit more. But a quick look in his rear-view mirror
showed him a police car with flashing lights coming up quickly behind him.
Shlomo thought,
"I can easily get away from him," and he started to accelerate away. But
then he had another thought, "What the hell am I doing? This is madness,"
so he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited.
The police car pulled
up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Shlomo and said,
"This just might be your lucky day, sir. Today is Friday the 13th and my
shift ends in 3 minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you off with just a warning."
Shlomo looked at
the policeman and said, "Last week, my wife Sadie ran off with a policeman
and I thought you were bringing her back. That’s why I was trying to get
away from you."
The policeman said,
"Enjoy the rest of your day sir."
(#570) It’s a
steal (female version - see also #574)
The Yom Kippur service
was coming to an end. In the ladies gallery, Esther, an elderly widow,
just couldn’t take her eyes off the young, good looking chazzan who was
blowing the shofar to signify the arrival of another new year, She had
been obsessed with him for some time and believed she was in love with
him.
When the service
ended, the chazzan took off his tallit and turned round to talk to one
of the congregation. This was her chance. Esther immediately grabbed his
tallit and walked away with it – but the Rabbi had seen her. He went over
to her and said, “Esther, why don’t you give back the tallit you just took?”
“What tallit?” said
Esther.
“The one I just
saw you take from our chazzan and hide under your dress, that’s what tallit,”
answered the Rabbi.
Esther could deny
it no longer. As she raised her dress to remove the tallit, which was tucked
into her pantyhose, and because she was so nervous being caught out by
the Rabbi, she couldn’t control herself and let out a loud flatulence.
The Rabbi responded,
“And when you’ve removed the tallit, could you please also give back the
shofar.”
(#571) Two quickies
Q: How can
you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?
A: It’s the
one swimming around with the little carrot on its back.
Don’t ever forget
that your health comes first. You can always kill yourself later.
(#572) A trip
to Israel
Hette was on her
first visit to Israel and was on a special day tour to Jerusalem. First
stop was a big beautiful shul and she said to her guide, "That's really
special. How long did it take to build?"
The guide replied,
"About five years, madam."
Hette replied, "In
my country it would only have taken six months."
They carried on
with the tour and arrived at a small settlement. Hette said to the guide,
"This is really lovely. How long did they take to build it?"
"About 8 years,
madam." he replied.
Hette said (snootily),
"Huh, in my country it would have taken less than a year."
Then they arrived
at the Wailing Wall. Hette gasped at its size and said to the guide, "Just
look at that structure!"
The guide didn’t
wait for her next comment. He immediately said, "My goodness! I just can't
believe it - it wasn't here this morning!"
(#573) The night
out
Moishe telephoned
his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that
Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”
“Yes.”
“Well, I’ve just
bought us two tickets to see it.”
“Oh Moishe, that’s
marvellous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”
“Sadie, that’s just
what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”
(#574) It’s a
steal (male version – see also #570)
Moishe went to shul
regularly but one Sabbath forgot his tallit and had to borrow one from
the "visitors’ spares". It was an expensive looking tallit and he was certainly
not embarrassed to wear it. At the end of the service, he didn’t really
want to hand back this excellent tallit and without thinking, stuffed it
down his trousers.
As he was walking
past the bimah on his way out, the Rabbi stopped him and whispered, "Moishe,
I saw you put the shul tallit down your trousers. I don’t want to know
why you did this, but may I suggest you remove it from your trousers now
and give it to me."
Moishe was so deeply
embarrassed that as he was bending over trying to pull the tallit out of
his trouser leg, where it had slipped, he accidentally let out a loud flatulence.
The Rabbi, shocked, said, "Moishe, you took the shofar as well?"
(#575) The meeting
Shlomo and Issy
had been best friends for a long time, but for one reason or another had
not seen each other for years. Then by chance they meet in Brent Cross
Shopping Centre. They had so much to talk about that after 30 minutes of
chatting, Shlomo invited Issy back to his flat to continue their reminiscences.
"Issy, I’ve a lovely
wife and three kids and we would all love to have you come to us tonight
for dinner."
Issy replied, "That’s
very kind of you, just tell me where you live."
Shlomo wrote it
down. "Here's the address, Issy. It’s a block of flats. When you get to
the main entrance, kick open the door with your foot, then go into the
lobby and call the lift by pressing the button with your elbow. When the
lift arrives, get in and press the 6th floor button with your elbow. When
you reach the sixth floor, get out and go down the hall on the left until
you find room number 607. That’s where we live. Press my bell with your
elbow and I'll let you in."
"OK, Shlomo, but
tell me... what’s all this kicking open of doors and pressing of buttons
with my elbow?"
"Surely, Issy,
you're not coming empty-handed?"
go to twentyfourth
set
Comments
(#575) He had
a hat!
[My
thanks to Michael West for this version of ‘he had a hat’]
Becky and Myron
decided to take their little son from the heat of the city to his first
visit to the beach. Dressed in his little sailor suit and hat and pail
and shovel in hand, the boy happily played at the water's edge as his mother
and father spread their picnic blanket. Then suddenly, to his parents'
horror, a huge wave crashed down on the boy and then dragged him far out
to sea. As neither of his parents could swim, his mother began to wail
and cry, "Dear God, be merciful. Return our son to us!"
Suddenly another
huge wave cast the boy back up on the sand at his parents' feet. His mother
inspected her son and then quickly looked back towards the heavens and
said, "He had a hat!"
(#576) So who’s
kidding who?
Maurice and Rifka
are a lovely elderly couple, both in their eighties. One day, Rifka says
to Maurice, “Do you know what I’d like right now - an ice cream.”
“Then I’ll go get
you one,” says Maurice.
“That’s sweet of
you, dear,” says Rifka. “Go get a piece of paper so you can write down
what I want. You know how bad your memory is these days.”
“Don’t you worry,”
says Maurice, “I won’t forget – just tell me what you want.”
“I’d rather you
wrote it down,” says Rifka.
“Please don’t argue,”
says Maurice, “what do you want?”
“I want a cornet
with one scoop of raspberry ice cream. Please write it down.”
“I don’t need to.
Do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll also
have a scoop of chocolate ice cream,” replies Rifka.
“Anything else?”
says Maurice.
“Yes, I’ll have
some butterscotch sauce on top of the ice cream. But are you sure you won’t
write it down?” says Rifka.
“I don’t need to,
honest. Now do you want anything else?” says Maurice.
“Well now you ask,”
says Rifka, “I’d like a sprinkling of nuts over the sauce and to finish
it off, a glace cherry on top. But will you remember all of that?”
“Yes, dear, stop
nagging,” says Maurice and leaves to get the order.
50 minutes later
Maurice comes back with a parcel. He goes straight to Rifka and proudly
announces, “Darling, here’s the fried fish you asked for!”
Rifka looks in the
parcel, then at him and says, “I knew you would forget something. So where
are the chips?”
(#577) Synagogue
seating request form
Last year, many
of you expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue.
In order for us to place you in a seat that will best suit you, we ask
you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue
secretary’s office as soon as possible.
PLEASE PUT A TICK
AGAINST YOUR CHOICES
1. I would prefer to sit in the: -
___ Talking section
___ Non-talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer? (Indicate order of interest)
___ Stock market
___ Football
___ Medicine
___ Congregants' secret medical tragedies
___ Your recent holidays
___ The rabbi
___ The chazzan's voice
___ Fashion news
___ What others are wearing
___ Why they look awful
___ Your neighbours
___ Your relatives
___ The situation in Israel
___ Who's cheating on/having an affair with whom
___ Other:_______________________________
3. Who of the following would you like to be near for free professional
advice?
___ Doctor
___ Dentist
___ Psychiatrist
___ Child psychiatrist
___ Travel Agent
___ Stockbroker
___ Accountant
___ Solicitor
___ Estate agent
___ Architect
___ Plumber
___ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish one]
___ Other: ____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the exit
___ Near a window
___ Near the toilets
___ Near the bimah
___ Near single men
___ Where no one on the bimah can see me talking during service
___ Where no one will notice me sleeping during service
___ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
5. I would like a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse
___ I cannot see my spouse
___ I can see my friend's spouse
___ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
(Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining
another congregation.)
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
_________________________
7. Your name: __________________________________
8. Building fund pledge: £_________________________
(#578) A Trip
to the Old Country
Benjamin, a young
Talmud student who had left Israel for London some years earlier, returns
to visit his family.
"But Benjamin, where
is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mother," he replies,
"In London, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you
keep the Sabbath?" his mother asks.
"Mother, business
is business. In London, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food
you still eat?" asks his mother.
"Mother, in London,
it is very difficult to keep kosher."
Then silence, whilst
his elderly mother gives thought to what she has just heard. Then she leans
over and whispers in his ear, "Benjamin, tell me, are you still circumcised?"
(#579) A visit
to the doctor
Abe came home one
day and found his wife Esther in tears.
"Darling, what’s
the matter?"
"Oh Abe," cried
Esther, "Doctor Cohen says I have tuberculosis."
"What! A big healthy
woman like you has tuberculosis? Ridiculous," said Abe, "I'll call Doctor
Cohen and get this sorted out right now."
So Abe called his
doctor. "Doctor, Esther says you told her she has tuberculosis."
The doctor said
something to Abe and with that, Abe began laughing.
"So what's so funny
about my having such a dreadful disease?" asked Esther.
"Esther, Doctor
Cohen didn't say 'tuberculosis', he said 'too big a tochus’"
(‘tochus’ is Yiddish
for ‘bottom’).
(#580) The perfect
shot?
Gary stood over
his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. He looked up, looked down,
measured the distance, figured the wind direction and speed. Then he started
over again. All this was driving his partner Benny nuts.
Finally Benny said,
"Oy vey! What's taking you so long? Hit the blasted ball will you already!"
Gary replied, "But
Benny, my wife Suzie is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want
to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, Gary,
you'll never hit her from here!"
(#581) ‘Tired
and thirsty’ from around the world
The Italian says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Mexican says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Scot says, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."
The Swede says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit."
The Japanese says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake."
The Russian says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Greek says,
"I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo."
The Jew says, "I'm
tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
(#582) The prophecy
Moishe, a medieval
Jewish astrologer, prophesied that the king’s favourite mistress would
soon die. Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was
outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about
the woman's death. He summoned Moishe and commanded him, "Prophecy, tell
me when you will die!"
Moishe realized
that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer
he gave. "I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only
know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."
(#583) Shaggy
buffalo story
A family of Schmohawk
Indians were sitting around the fire one night. There was papa Geronowitz,
mama Pocayenta and the beautiful daughter, Minihorowitz.
"So, nu," says Minihorowitz,
"You'll never believe."
"What?" says Pocayenta.
"Today, at high
noon, someone proposed to me."
"So what did you
say?" says Pocayenta."
"I said yes"
"That's wonderful,"
says Pocayenta. "She said yes! Did you hear that Geronowitz? Our little
Minihorowitz is getting married."
"I heard," says
Geronowitz, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?"
says Pocayenta," of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one,"
says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz!
The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them. How can we feed them? How can
we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of
something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz, get
me a buffalo for the wedding. I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat
and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo."
So Geronowitz goes
out to hunt a buffalo. A day and night goes by and Geronowitz has not come
back. Another day and half the night and Geronowitz comes home exhausted,
staggering and empty-handed.
"Geronowitz I've
been worried sick. Where have you been? Where's my buffalo?"
"It's like this,"
he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high and I hunted low and I finally
found a buffalo. But this buffalo was scrawny with no meat on his bones
for buffalo tzimmes and barely enough hide for a rain hat. So I settled
in for the night to try again the next day.
The second day,
I looked high and I looked low, from this way and that way and I finally
found a buffalo. He was big with lots of meat and lots of hide, but I tell
you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. This,
I thought to myself, is not the buffalo for my daughter's wedding. So I
carried on looking. I went up hills and I went down hills and I found a
big buffalo. It was, as buffaloes go, a beautiful buffalo. If I say so
myself, it was the perfect buffalo. This, I said to myself, is the
buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.
So I reach into
my backpack quietly for my tomahawk as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. I
raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck when suddenly, like a
bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says
Pocayenta.
"I've brought the
dairy tomahawk!"
(#584) Well trained
Sam invites Issy
to see how his dog Cindy is getting on with her obedience training. Issy
says, "Why not get Cindy to do a trick for me?"
Sam says, " Cindy,
fetch."
Cindy immediately
starts to whine and says, "Oy! What a terrible day I'm having, you wouldn't
believe it could get any worse. And the food he’s giving me, well, it’s
not even fit for a dog, it’s rubbish. And he wouldn’t even take me out
for my daily exercise this morning."
Issy doesn't understand
why Cindy should behave in this way. So Sam explains, "Cindy hasn’t got
the best of hearing these days. She thought I said kvetch."
(#585) Quickies
Q: What is
a Jewish princess's idea of a dream home?
A: 6,000 sq.
ft; no kitchen and no bedrooms.
Did you hear about
the guy who called his girlfriend MEZZUZZA because she liked to be kissed?
Q: Why were
gentiles invented?
A: Somebody
has to pay retail.
(#586) The joker
Daniel and Hette
are out shopping in London when they come across a smart clothes shop.
Hette goes in.
While Daniel is
waiting outside, a prostitute comes up to him and says, "Would you like
to come back to my place?"
Being a bit of a
joker, Daniel decides to string her along. He replies, "How much do you
charge?"
"One hundred pounds,"
she says.
"I'll give you ten
pounds," Daniel says with a wink.
She gives him the
V sign and walks away.
Hette comes out
the shop and they continue their shopping expedition. But then they pass
the prostitute on the corner of the road. She takes one look at Hette and
says to Daniel, "You see? You see what you get for ten pounds?"
(#587) One over
the minyan
Nine male Jews are
very nice, but as we all know, ten are needed for a minyan. So when the
tenth person arrives, everyone is happy. But did you know that the eleventh
Jew is also very important? Why is this so?
When the eleventh
person enters, someone is always heard to say aloud, "Thank goodness."
The eleventh arrival
always responds, "But you had a minyan already."
To which comes the
reply, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the room and go to the
bathroom!"
(#588) The message
[My
thanks to Debbe of Boston for sending me this one]
Morris was in his
front garden mowing the lawn when his attractive blonde neighbour came
out of her house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened it then slammed
it shut and stormed back into the house.
A little later,
she came out of her house again, went to her mailbox, opened it, slammed
it shut and went angrily back into the house.
A few minutes later,
she came out again, marched to her mailbox, opened it and then slammed
it shut harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions,
Morris had to ask her, "Is something wrong, Sharon?"
"There certainly
is, Morris! My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
(#589) Holiday
of a lifetime
A north London congregation
decides to honour their Rabbi for his 25 years of dedicated service by
giving him tickets and money for a week, all-expenses paid holiday to New
York.
When Rabbi Bloom
arrives and checks into his hotel room, he is surprised to find a naked
girl lying face down on his bed. Without saying a word, Rabbi Bloom picks
up the phone, calls his synagogue long distance and says, "Where is your
respect? As your Rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
On hearing this,
the girl gets up and starts to get dressed.
Rabbi Bloom turns
to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
(#590) And they
lived happily ever after
Shlomo and Ruth
were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their long lasting and
happy marriage was the talk of the Edgware community. So it was no surprise
when a Jewish Chronicle reporter came to see Shlomo to ask him the secret
of their successful marriage.
"Well, it dates
back to our honeymoon," explained Shlomo. "We visited the Grand Canyon
and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon on mules. We hadn't gone
very far when Ruth’s mule stumbled. She looked at the mule and quietly
said 'That's once.'
"We had only proceeded
a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more Ruth looked him
in the eyes and quietly said, 'That's twice.'
"We hadn't gone
more than a half-mile more when the mule stumbled a third time. This time,
Ruth promptly removed a revolver from her rucksack and shot the mule dead.
"I started to protest
over her treatment of the mule when Ruth looked at me and quietly said,
'That's once'."
(#591) The gift
Jeremy asks his
wife Naomi what she wants for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like
a new diamond bracelet?" he asks.
"Not really," says
Naomi.
"Well how about
a Lexus sports car?" says Jeremy.
"No," she replies.
"What about a holiday
home in the south of France?" he suggests.
She again rejects
his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would
you like for your anniversary?" Jeremy asks.
"I'd like a divorce,
Jeremy," answers Naomi.
"Oy, I wasn't planning
to spend that much!" says Jeremy.
(#592) Fathers’
sayings
Don't ask me, ask your
mother.
You didn't beat me.
I let you win.
Don't worry. It's only
blood.
Don't you know any normal
boys?
I told you, keep your
eye on the ball.
Who said life was supposed
to be fair?
If you forget, you'll
be grounded till the end of the world.
This will hurt me a
lot more than it hurts you.
Don't give me any of
your lip, young lady!
You call that noise
"music?"
We're not lost. I'm
just not sure where we are.
When I was your age,
I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live
under my roof, you'll live by my rules.
I'll tell you why. Because
I said so. That's why!
You want something to
do? I'll give you something to do.
This is your last warning!
I'm not sleeping, I
was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans
of yours from falling off?
I'm not just talking
to hear my own voice!
What do you think I
am, a bank?
What part of NO don't
you understand?
I don't care what other
people are doing! I'm not everybody else's father!
Didn't your teacher
learn you anything?
You can marry a rich
guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
It's hard to be good,
and easy to be bad.
You know you're always
going to be Daddy's little girl.
I'm not watching television.
I'm resting my eyes.
Don't use that tone
with me!
Am I talking to a brick
wall?
Don't make me stop the
car!
(#593) The deal
Issy and Howard
were brothers who had lived and worked in Golders Green all their lives.
Unfortunately, nothing good could be said about them - they ran a crooked
business, they womanized, they lied and they cheated the poor. But they
were also very, very wealthy.
When Issy died,
Howard went to Rabbi Bloom and said, "I will donate to the synagogue one
hundred thousand pounds if you will say at the funeral that my brother
Issy was a mensch."
The Rabbi thought
long and hard but eventually agreed.
At the funeral,
the Rabbi told everyone present of Issy’s wrong doings. He then closed
with the sentence "But, compared to his brother, he was a mensch!"
(#594) Yiddish
Rhyming Slang
Hansel & Gretel
-Shtetl
Holiday brochure
-Kosher
Doris Day
-Oi Vey
Bottle of booze
-Schmooze
Monkey wrench
-Mensch
Betty Boop
-Chicken Soup
The Price Is Right
-Gesundheit
Jonny Depp
-Schlepp
Michael Winner
-Shabbes Dinner
Hammer House of Horror
-Schnorrer
The Real Deal
-Shlemiel
Foot Spa
-Chutzpa
Fancy Dress
-Fress
Guy The Gorilla
-Megilla
Soup ladel
-Kneidel
Fillet Of Fish
-Nebbish
London Zoo
-Nu?
Religious Cult
-Oi Gevalt
Poetry Recital
-Sheitel
Kenwood Mixer
-Shiksa
Stir Fried Noodles
-Apple Strudels
(#595) A trip to
the restaurant
Bernie walks into
his local Chinese restaurant and is very surprised to see the owner, Mister
Lee, eating gefillte fish, chopped liver and kishke.
"Mister Lee, what's
this?" says Bernie.
Lee replies, "Me
no eat Chinese CHAZELAI"
(CHAZERAI: garbage).
go to twentyfifth
set
Comments
(#596) The mind
reader
(My thanks to Hilary
from Melbourne, Australia for the following joke)
Sadie, an elderly
lady, is sitting at home one day when her phone rings.
She picks it up
and says, “Hello.”
A male voice says,
“Hello. I can tell from your voice that you would love me to come round
to your house, take off your blouse, bra and panties, throw you onto your
bed and make mad passionate love to you.”
Sadie replies, “From
one ‘hello’ you can tell all this?”
(#597) The operation
"I've had it with
my wife." said Moishe to his friend Sam. "I'm filing for divorce."
"Sorry to hear that
Moishe." said Sam. "May I ask why?"
"I found her supply
of birth control pills." said Moishe.
"So what, Moishe?
How can you leave her just for that? My wife also has her supply of pills."
"It’s not just that,"
said Moishe. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
(#598) Visit to
the chemist
(My thanks to Charles
K. for the following joke)
Moshe, 85 years
old and recently arrived in the UK from Russia, is walking down Golders
Green Road one day when he sees his cousin Max coming towards him.
Max is smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder. As Moshe had never
seen such a thing before, he asks, “Vats duss, Max?”
“Dots a protector,
Moshe,” replies Max. “It protects mine clothing from di eshes and mine
beard from di flame.”
Moshe says, “I gotta
hev one a dem, too. Where you geddit?”
Max replies, “I
got it from a chemist.”
So Moshe shuffles
down the road till he comes to a chemist. He goes up to the assistant and
says, “So gimme a protector.”
The assistant looks
at the little wizened old man and decides to have some fun with him. “So
what size do you want, mister?”
Moshe shrugs his
shoulders and replies, “Size? It should fit a cemel”
(#599) Really?
Sadie takes her
16-year-old daughter to see Doctor Myers. The doctor says, "Okay, what's
the problem?"
Sadie says, "It's
my daughter, Sarah. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on
weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives
Sarah a good examination, then turns to Sadie and says, "Well, I don't
know how to tell you this, but your Sarah is pregnant - about 4 months
would be my guess."
Sadie says, "Pregnant?
She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you,
Sarah?"
"No mother. I've
never even kissed a man."
Doctor Myers walked
over to the window and just stared out of it. 5 minutes pass and finally
Sadie says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
Doctor Myers replies,
"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened,
a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I certainly
don’t want to miss it."
(#600) The visitor
Moishe and Sadie,
hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy
when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working
at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat
sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie
standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except
for a small frilly white apron.
"Do you want to
play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Caron, the French maid."
"Wonderful, wonderful,"
the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat."
He looked Sadie
over and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife.
I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I’m
gone, you're going to start in the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery
and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"
(#601) Very careful
studies
Last year, as some
German scientists were digging 150 feet under the ground, they were surprised
to discover small pieces of copper. They studied the copper pieces very
carefully and came to the conclusion that 25,000 years ago, there was a
nationwide telephone network in ancient Germany. They reported this in
scientific journals, world-wide.
When British scientists
heard the German announcement, they were just not impressed. They immediately
embarked on a project to dig even deeper. When they had dug down to 300
feet, they found small pieces of glass. They studied the glass pieces very
carefully and came to the conclusion that 35,000 years ago, there was a
nationwide fibre optic network in use by the ancient Brits.
Israeli scientists
were enraged when they learned of the German and British claims. They decided
to dig 150 feet, 300 feet and 600 feet under the ground in Jerusalem. But
unfortunately, they found nothing whatsoever. Nevertheless, they came to
the conclusion that 55,000 years ago, the ancient Israelites had cellular
telephones.
(#602) The check-up
Maurice was 70 years
old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few
questions.
"Mr Levy, what about
urination? Do you have any problems?"
Maurice replies,
"No doctor, it’s very regular, every morning at precisely 7am."
"And what about
your bowel movements?"
Maurice replies,
"They’re fine also doctor, every morning at precisely 8am."
The doctor asks,
"So then why did you come to see me, Mr Levy?"
Maurice replies,
"Oy, doctor, I don’t wake up before 10am."
(#603) The argument
Abe, David and Bernard
were not only best of friends but also the top doctors in the neighbourhood.
One day, they were out walking in Golders Green when they saw this little
old Jewish man walking rather strangely. He's hunched over on one side,
he’s dragging his right leg and he has his left hand on his lower back.
Abe says, "It's
peritonitis."
David says, "It's
an orthopaedic problem, with flat arches and a touch of chondromalacia
patellae."
Bernard says, "It's
a nerve irritation at the level of L5."
They argue a bit
and then decide to go over and ask the old man what his problem is. So
they do just that.
The man replies,
"Nein. ICH HOB GEVOLT GEBBEN A FURZT HOB ICH INGEMACHT IN DER HOYSEN"
(You're all wrong.
I thought I was about to fart when I made in my pants instead)
(#604) The visit
to the chemist
One day, the elderly
Moshe decided to go to his local chemist and ask the pharmacist for some
Viagra.
The pharmacist said,
"Certainly sir, how many pills do you want?"
Moshe answered,
"I don’t want many, maybe half a dozen at most. But please, can you cut
each one into 4 pieces?"
The pharmacist said,
"one quarter of a pill won't do you any good, sir."
Moshe replies, "That's
OK. I don't need the pills for sex. I am 75 years old. I just want them
to help me to stop peeing on my shoes."
(#605) Adam &
Eve
Adam and Eve had
an ideal marriage.
He didn't have to
hear about all the men Eve could have married, and she didn't have to hear
about how well Adam’s mother cooked.
(#606) The 7 fridges
It might not be
known by many outside of Israel but new immigrants can bring in normal
household items duty free, but anything that looks like it could be resold
in Israel is supposed to be subject to Israeli import duty.
Moshe Cohen, a new
immigrant, arrived at the Port of Haifa to claim his household goods, which
had just been landed by ship. However, when he turned up, he was immediately
called into the Port offices because the excise officer had noticed on
the manifest that Moshe had brought in seven refrigerators.
"Mr Cohen," said
the officer, "one refrigerator is allowed duty free, but certainly not
seven of them."
Moshe replied, "But
I'm very frum. I need one refrigerator just for meat, one just for dairy,
and one just for parve."
"OK," said the officer,
"that makes three, but what about the other four?"
"It’s obvious,"
replied Moshe, "I need three for most of the year and another three, for
meat, dairy and parve, for Pesach."
"That only makes
six," replied the officer," What's the seventh one for?"
"So nu," replied
Moshe, "What if I want to eat traif once in a while?"
(#607) The tramp
Shlomo was walking
down Hendon High Street one day when a filthy looking and smelly tramp
came up to him and asked, “Could you spare one pound, please mister?”
Shlomo replied,
"Will you buy alcohol with it?"
The tramp answered,
"No, certainly not. I don’t drink."
Shlomo then asked,
"Will you gamble it away?"
The tramp again
replied, "No, I don’t gamble."
So Shlomo said to
the tramp, "OK, I’ll give you your pound, but first of all you have to
come home with me so my wife Becky can see what happens to a man who doesn't
drink or gamble?"
(#608) The message
Jacob was an uneducated
but hard-working immigrant who wanted a better future for his only son,
David. He scrimped and saved for David’s school education. In return, David
worked hard and got accepted at a small school far from home.
Every month, David
received a cheque from his father for his living expenses and every month,
the cheque was attached to a piece of paper with the letters 'FUF' written
on it. It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the cheques anyway and
went about his studies. Finally Passover came and David was able to travel
home.
As he sat with his
father after the Seder, David said, "Dad, I want you to know how much I
love you and how much I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I really
couldn't get by without the cheque you send me every month. But I must
ask, what does it mean when you write 'FUF'?"
His father replied,
"Oy, some scholar you’re not. 'FUF' means 'From U Fadder'."
(#609) A restful
event
Natalie had three
very active sons and they were quite a handful. One summer evening she
was playing cowboys and Indians with them in her front garden when one
of the boys "shot" her and shouted "Bang! You're dead, mum."
So Natalie fell
down.
Her next door neighbour
had been watching all this and when Natalie didn't get up straight away,
he ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour
bent over her, Natalie opened one eye and said to him, "Shhh. Please don't
give me away. It's the only chance I've had to have a rest all day".
(#610) The composer
Once upon a time,
a young Jewish composer was trying desperately to write a hit song. He
had been at it for an entire day, without food or water, but the inspiration
was taking a long time coming.
Then his mother
came into his room and said, “You must eat something. I’ll make you a smoked
salmon sandwich.”
But he pushed her
out of the room, shouting, “Go away.”
Within 15 minutes,
she was back. “Please, you must eat some food or you’ll be ill,” she cried.
Again he shoved
her out of the room, this time shouting, “Will you please leave me alone,
you silly moo. Stop bothering me, will you.”
But she took no
notice. Ten minutes later, she came into the room carrying a tray full
of food and drink. All his favourites were there.
But it had no effect
on him. She was still holding the tray of food when he angrily threw her
out of the room and locked the door. He heard the crash of the tray
hitting the wall and the sound of breaking chinaware. Then he heard his
mother crying. Suddenly, he shouted, “I’ve got it, I know what to write.”
With that he went
to his piano and composed ‘My Yiddishe Mama’.
(#611) Woman
Adam was bored in
the Garden of Eden, so he says to God, “O Lord, I have a problem.”
“So what is your
problem Adam?” replies God.
“O Lord, I know
that you did create me and gave me all this wonderful food and put me in
this beautiful garden, but I'm just not happy.”
“Why is that, Adam?“
“O Lord, even though
I know you created this place for me and you gave me all these beautiful
animals to be with, I am nevertheless still lonely.“
“OK Adam, I have
the perfect solution - I shall create a woman for you.“
“What is a 'woman',
O Lord?“
“A ‘woman' will
be such an intelligent creature that she will know what you want before
you ask for it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know
your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will be the equal
of anything on earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need
and desire. She will be the ideal companion.“ answers the voice from heaven.“
“This woman sounds
great to me, O Lord.“
“She will be, take
my word for it, but she comes at a price, Adam.“
“So how much will
she cost me, O Lord?“ Adam asks.
“She will cost you
your left arm, your right foot, one eye, one ear and your
right testicle.“
Adam thinks about
this for a good 60 minutes, working out all the pros and cons of having
such a woman for company, but especially the cost to him.
Finally Adam says,
“O Lord, what kind of woman can I get for just one rib?“
The rest, as they
say, is history.
(#612) Shlomo
and Rifka – 1 (the honeymoon)
Shlomo and Rifka
had just got married and were on honeymoon. On the first night, as he was
making love to Rifka for the first time, Shlomo looked down at her and
asked, "Am I the first man to make love to you, Rifka?"
Rifka looked up
at him and replied, "No Shlomo. I'm sure I would have recognised you."
(#613) Shlomo
and Rifka – 2 (the golden wedding anniversary)
Shlomo and Rifka
had now been married for 50 years and that night, after the celebrations
were over, they were in bed and in a pretty romantic mood.
Rifka looked at
Shlomo and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you
had."
Shlomo felt a bit
obliged, so he leaned over and gave her a gentle peck on the cheek.
Then Rifka said,
"I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity."
Again feeling obliged,
Shlomo gently placed his hand on hers.
Then Rifka said,
"I also remember, Shlomo, when you used to nibble on my neck and sent chills
up and down my spine. It was lovely."
This time, with
a blank stare on his face, Shlomo got out of the bed and as he began to
walk out of the bedroom, Rifka asked him, "Was it something I said, Shlomo,
where are you going?"
Shlomo looked at
Rifka and replied, "I'm going to the bathroom to get my teeth!"
(#614) Nothing
Louis was talking
to his friend Morris. "There's nothing I wouldn't do for my Becky," he
said, "and there's nothing Becky wouldn't do for me. And that's how we
go through life - doing nothing for each other."
go to twentysixth
set
Comments
(#615) The honeymoon
Maurice and Hannah got married and were
on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed
together for the first time.
As soon as Maurice removed his shoes and
socks, Hanna quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were.
"Whatever happened to your feet?" Hannah
asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio,"
replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes,"
Maurice said.
Maurice then took off his trousers to
reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees.
"What happened to your knees?" Hannah
asked.
"Well, I also had kneasles," replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneasles, it only affects the knees,"
Maurice said.
Finally Maurice removed his pants and
stood there in all his glory.
Hannah gasped and said, "Don't tell me,
you also had smallcox!"
(#616) The last game
Six retired Edgware men were playing poker
one evening in Abe’s house when Shlomo loses £650 on one big hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. The other five continue
playing but this time standing up to show respect for their departed friend.
Later, Abe asks, "Who's going to tell
his wife, Hette?"
They cut cards and Moishe loses. Before
he leaves, he is advised to be discreet and kind and to try hard not to
make a terrible situation any worse.
"Discreet?" says Moishe, "I'm the most
discreet man there is. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me
and don’t worry about a thing."
So Moishe goes over to Shlomo’s house
and rings the doorbell.
Hette opens the door and asks, "Nu, so
what do you want?"
Moishe replies, "Your husband just lost
£650 and is afraid to come home."
On hearing this, Hette yells, "SO TELL
HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD."
"OK I'll go tell him," says Moishe.
(#617) Time will tell
Rifka goes to her son's house and rings
the doorbell. When the maid lets her in, she is surprised to find her daughter-in-law
Sarah lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing and the
aroma of expensive perfume fills the air.
"Sarah, what are you doing?" Rifka asks.
"I'm waiting for David to come home from
work," replies Sarah.
"But you're naked!" says Rifka.
"I know," says Sarah, "this is my love
dress. David loves me to wear this dress. It excites him no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes virile and makes
love to me for hours on end. Why don’t you try it with Benjy?"
Rifka goes home, undresses, has a bath
and puts on her best perfume. Then, still naked, she dims the lights, puts
on a romantic CD and lay on the settee waiting for Benjy to arrive.
Benjy comes home and sees Rifka laying
there, ever so provocatively.
"What on earth are you doing, Rifka?"
he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers,
sensually.
"It needs ironing," he says.
(#618) Visit to the cemetery
Moshe went to Edgware cemetery to visit
his friend Daniel’s grave. When he got there, he was shocked to see that
Daniel’s new headstone was leaning forward by some 45 degrees and could
topple over. So Moshe took some wire from his car, tied one end around
the headstone and fastened the other end onto a nearby telephone pole.
Then he left.
Some days later, two more of Daniel’s
friends, Abe and Issy came to visit him. Abe took one look at the grave
and said to Issy, “That’s just like Daniel. He’s only been here a short
while and already he’s got his own phone.”
(#619) The homework
Little Moishe is busy doing his homework.
As his mother walks past his room, she hears him saying, "One and one,
the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three
and three... "
So she asks him, "Darling, where did you
learn that way of doing sums?"
Moishe replies, "My teacher, Miss Anderson,
taught us that way, mummy."
Next day, Moishe’s mother goes into his
classroom, confronts Miss Anderson and tells her about Moishe’s ‘different’
way of doing arithmetic.
Miss Anderson is shocked. At first she
can’t understand why Moishe would say that she had taught it, but then
suddenly it dawned on her.
"I know why," she says, "in our class,
we say, one and one, the sum of which is two….."
(#620) Conversation with a taxi driver
Abe was visiting Israel for the first
time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel.
The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.
Then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel
a healthy place?"
"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered,
"When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly
any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room
and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."
"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing,"
Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?"
"I was born here."
(#621) Use of hands
Issy and Sam, both elderly gentlemen,
were in deep conversation. Sam said, "So, Issy, you’re the clever one,
how do those so called mobile phones work?"
Issy replied, "Well, in the left hand
you take the phone, and with the right hand you push the buttons. See.
Nothing magic about it is there?"
But Sam was not satisfied with this answer.
"Nu?" he says, "and how can one talk with
the hands so busy?"
(#622) Change of Name
In Golders Green there is a six-star hotel
called the Oy Vay Towers. It offers massage, mud baths, 24 hours a day
kosher eating, wonderful almond Danish and best of all, g-o-s-s-i-p. The
hotel pages its guests via high quality, clear sounding speakers sited
all around the hotel. Listening to messages such as "Telephone call for
Moishe Cohen from his lawyer," or "Could Sadie Levy ring her counsellor,”
or even “Benny Chesnick – could you please call your parole officer," is
a gossiper’s dream.
One day, everyone was surprised to hear
over the speakers, "Telephone call for Shane Ferguson, telephone call for
Shane Ferguson." At once, several people went to reception to get a look
at who this gentile staying at their hotel could be. They were therefore
surprised and very curious when an old man, obviously Jewish, came up to
the desk.
Later, one of the guests asked the old
man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson when he was so obviously Jewish.
This is what he told them.
"When I left my home town to come to London,
my name was Samuel Mincoffski. But my uncle thought it might be best if
I told immigration that my name was Sam Lyons. I practiced saying my new
name over and over for the entire boat trip. I asked the sailors to say
it for me and I learned how to pronounce it. Time passed very quickly and
soon I was standing in line at the immigration office. But while waiting,
I began to worry about everything. Would I say my name properly? What if
they wouldn’t believe me? Would I be able to spell it? Would they arrest
me and send me back? My mind started to spin and I got so confused that
when I reached the front of the queue and the officer asked me my name,
I panicked and said, “schane fergessen” (I forgot already). So that's what
the immigration man wrote down.”
(#623) The house warming
Morris had become a multi-millionaire
during his successful working life. When he retired, he bought himself
the largest and most expensive mansion in London that money could buy.
Then he invited some friends to a house warming party.
The day came and he naturally took them
on a tour around his enormous home.
When they came to the dining room, there
was a gasp of amazement - the room was so large that they could hardly
see the other end clearly. Morris proudly pointed to the exquisitely carved
and polished mahogany table that ran from one end of the room all the way
to the other and said, "In this room, I can entertain as many as a hundred
and twenty-five people -- God forbid."
(#624) Why buy?
It was a hot day. Moshe was sitting in
Brent Cross shopping centre drinking from a bottle of Evian water when
his friend Benny came over and sat next to him.
Benny looked at the bottle in Moshe’s
hand and asked, “Do you ever wonder why people spend almost £1 on
such little bottles of water?”
“No,” replied Moshe.
“Well,” continued Benny, “Try spelling
Evian backwards.”
(#625) My 13 discoveries of old age
1. I started out with nothing and I still
have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes
and bran flakes.
3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately,
now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s easier to get older than to get
wiser.
8. It's hard to make a comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
10. It's not hard to meet expenses--they're
everywhere.
11. The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
12. These days, I spend a lot of time
thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I’m hereafter.
13. I am unable to remember if I emailed
this to you before.
(#626) The Male Rules
In the 7th set of jokes, #205 to be precise,
you read The Jewish Rules from the female side. Now here are the
rules from the male side.
Birthdays and anniversaries should not be
challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.
Sunday is sports day. It's like gravity or
a full moon or gravity. Let it be.
Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear
on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints.
So just simply tell us what you want.
We don't remember dates. So write birthdays
and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big
girl now, so if it's up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and
you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.
Shopping is not a sport and we are never,
ever going to think of it as such.
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to most questions.
Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions
and neither do we.
Only come to us with a problem if you really
want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
do.
Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us. We won’t answer.
Most men own at most three pairs of shoes.
So what makes you think we're any good at helping you decide which pair
of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?
If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea
what mauve is.
We are not mind readers and never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about
you.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go out somewhere, anything
you wear is fine. Really.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I
have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind
that, it's like camping.
(#627) Quickies
Q: Why is it important for the groom to
stamp on a glass?
A: Because it's the last time he'll put
his foot down.
Q: What's the difference between a Bris
and a Get*?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole
schmuck.
(*A "Get" is a divorce)
(#628) Gnilleps
Grandma Anne was babysitting and was playing
junior scrabble with Emma. Emma had just drawn her second letter "O" and
was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. Suddenly, with
a triumphant shout, Emma said, "look grandma, I’ve made a word."
Grandma Anne looked at Emma’s tiles and
saw they had been lined up to spell KOOB. So she asked, "What kind of word
is KOOB, Emma?"
"No grandma," said Emma, "you're not saying
it right. It says BOOK."
Grandma Anne had a sinking feeling. Did
Emma have dyslexia, she wondered? So she said, gently, "But, darling, you've
spelled it backwards."
With a sigh reserved only for dumb adults,
Emma explained, "Of course I have, grandma, I'm Jewish!"
(#629) Mistaken identity
Issy and Hetty, a young orthodox married
couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke
on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to
the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimise
the Shabbos violation, he told the controller that he must send them only
a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy
and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way
radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”
(#630) Don’t be impatient
Arnold and Isaac were residents in a nursing
home. Even though they were best of friends, they were still prone to argue
with each other.
One day, they are queuing up at the canteen
to get their lunch. Because Arnold is taking his time, Isaac says to him,
"Hey you! Hurry up already before I punch you in the teeth."
Arnold turns round, looks at Isaac and
says, "OK. Go ahead. Make my day! My teeth are upstairs in the glass by
my bed."
(#631) The budget
Helen and Issy were having a hard time
financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her
household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress
dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand. When Issy returned from work,
Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money.
She said, "Just think, Issy, we are £3
richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Great," Issy quickly replied. "Wash it
again!"
(#632) Get stuck in
When the air raid siren went off in Tel
Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment
block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs,
"Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute,
Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac,"
Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon
bagels?"
(#633) Telephone messages
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her
first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record
on it?
If you want me to make smoked salmon when
you come round, press 1;
If you want chopped liver press 2;
If you want chicken soup, press 3;
If you want chicken soup with matzoh balls,
press 4;
If you want to know how am I feeling, you
must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am.
Who knows, I could even be dead by now.
(#634) The voyeurs
Becky, Rifka and Estelle are passing by
the half open door to the men's changing rooms at the Mazeltov golf club
when they can’t help noticing a man with his face obscured by the towel
he is using to dry his hair. However, they do get quite a good view of
his nakedness from his waist down.
Later, Becky says, "Well, I didn't see
his face, but he's certainly not my husband!"
Rifka says, "And he isn't mine, either!"
Estelle says, "Hell, he isn't even a member
of the club!"
go to twentyseventh
set
Comments
(#635) Another visit to the doctor
(My thanks to Danny S for the following
joke)
Benjy goes to see his doctor because he
isn't feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples
from Benjy and asks him to come back the following week for the results.
When Benjy returns, his doctor tells him,
"I have some good news and some bad news for you, Benjy. What do you want
to hear first?"
Benjy replies, "Let me have the good news
first."
"OK," says the doctor, "they're going
to name the disease after you."
(#636) Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have
been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise
a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her
husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to
find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more.
She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight
more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it
out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself
passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last
they're finally together."
Sadie’s eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you
mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her
legs."
(#637) The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully
around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbos and he
is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services
explains his predicament to the shammas. Within minutes, Jacob comes over
and invites him to be his shabbos guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels
and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot
bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins
Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom
where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the
next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was
a lovely shabbos. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives
Moshe an invoice for: -
1 hot
bath,
1 bar
of aromatic soap,
2 clean
towels,
1 full
shabbos dinner,
3 glasses
shabbos wine,
2 nights
lodging (bed & breakfast),
Fresh
sheets,
1 shabbos
lunch, and
1 afternoon
tea.
--------------------------------------------------
TOTAL
£75.00
"You're charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you
invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll
go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments,
he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and
on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay
the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made
no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left
the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be meshugah. Keep it. It was a
pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your
invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I
was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of schmuck we
have for a Rabbi."
(#638) Forgetfulness
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through
Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper.
On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon,
Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across
people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week,
however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write
the letter."
(#639) A mother’s lament
“Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for
from a child, after all I've done?”
(#640) The curse
Rifka goes to see a famous Wizard and
asks, "Is it possible to remove a curse I’ve been living with for the last
35 years?"
The Wizard replies, "It’s possible, but
you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you
in the first place."
Rifka says, "I now pronounce you man and
wife".
(#641) The Barmitzvah
Issy wanted something extra special and
memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the
swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a
very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised
him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry.
It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about
it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived.
As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from
Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards
whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended
from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely
out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard
gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had
been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with
the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night
for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get
that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew?
Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the
caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."
(#642) On a tube train
Shlomo is travelling on the London underground
and is sitting opposite a middle aged Jew wearing a kippah. Shlomo says,
"Shalom. Do you have the time?"
The man ignores him.
"Excuse me," Shlomo asks again, "what
time is it please?"
The man still doesn't answer him.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you
again, but I need to know the time. Why won't you answer me?"
At last the man speaks. "Son, the next
stop is Edgware, the last station on this line. I haven’t seen you before
so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, it’s Jewish tradition that
I must invite you to my home. As you're young and good looking and I have
a beautiful daughter named Suzy, you will fall in love with her and will
want to get married. So tell me, why on earth would I want a son-in-law
who can't even afford his own watch?"
(#643) The perfect match?
A matchmaker corners a poor student and
says, "Do I have a girl for you!"
"I’m not interested," replies the student.
"But she's a very beautiful girl," says
the matchmaker.
"Really?" says the student, a bit more
interested now.
"Yes. And she's also very rich."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And
she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family."
"It all sounds great to me," says the
student, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to
be crazy."
Replies the matchmaker, "Well, you can't
have everything in life!"
(#644) Happiness
It was Hetty and Benjy’s Silver Wedding
anniversary.
Hetty says, "Do you remember when you
proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t
talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty.
How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
(#645) Decisions, decisions
It was coming up to Morris’s 80th birthday
and his family didn't know what to buy him - he was a man who really had
everything. After much discussion, they decided to hire a strip-o-gram.
He had a good sense of humour and they thought he would enjoy the joke.
On the morning of his birthday, the doorbell
rang. Morris opened the door and there stood a beautiful redhead wearing
only black gloves and thigh-length boots.
"Happy Birthday Morris," she said. "Do
you know why I’m here?"
"No," said Morris.
"Well, I've come here to give you ‘super
sex’," she said provocatively.
Just for a brief moment, Morris looked
a bit confused, but then said, "You’ve given me a difficult decision to
make - what kind of soup is it?"
(#646) A trip to the garage
Rifka was the original ‘Jewish princess’.
One day, she drives her pink Renault Clio to a garage and asks one of the
mechanics, "Do you charge batteries?"
He replies, "Of course we do, darling."
"Great," says Rifka. "could you change
my battery please and charge it to my daddy."
(#647) The alligator shoes
Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator
shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in
the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it.
They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.
When he gets home, he stands in front
of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"
She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe,
you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"
But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes
into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than
his new shoes.
Once again he stands in front of Sadie
and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"
Once again she looks him up and down,
then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it
was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Moishe says, "Do you know why
it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly
at my new shoes!"
Sadie replies, "Moshe, I wish you had
bought a new hat!"
(#648) Two Jewish curses
1. May you sell candles for a living and
then may the sun never set.
2. May you be like a chandelier, hang
by day and burn by night!
(#649) The fishermen
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic
pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake.
But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around
and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch
an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What
bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils,"
he replies. "You really can't beat them – the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasn’t bought any tonsils with
him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you
using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great
deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman
and can’t help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're
also a doctor."
"Actually I’m not," came the reply. "I'm
a mohel."
(#650) The anniversary
Shlomo asks his wife, "Where shall we
go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"
Sarah replies, "Somewhere I have never
been!"
So Shlomo says, "How about the kitchen,
then?"
(#651) The note
Howard had been a good Jew all his life.
Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with
him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard
's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard
used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket
pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi
was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi
to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of
comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help,
you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
(#652) The brothers
Benjy and Sam were mischievous brothers
aged 8 and 10. They always seemed to be around when things went wrong.
As their parents were unable to control them, they went to the Rabbi for
help.
The Rabbi said he wanted to talk to the
boys and that he would see the younger one first - alone. So they sent
Benjy to see the Rabbi.
The Rabbi sat Benjy down and for the next
five minutes they just sat and stared at each other across the Rabbi’s
large mahogany desk. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Benjy and
said, "Benjy, where is God?"
Benjy glanced around, but said nothing.
The Rabbi pointed at Benjy again and said,
louder, "Where is God, Benjy?"
Again, Benjy glanced around but said nothing.
The Rabbi then leaned across the desk,
put his finger on Benjy’s nose and said, "Benjy, I ask you, where is God?"
At this point, Benjy got scared, got up
and ran home. He dragged Sam upstairs to his room and said, "We're in deep
trouble, Sam."
Sam asked, "What do you mean we’re in
deep trouble, Benjy?"
Benjy replied, "I'm telling you, Sam,
we're in big trouble. God is missing and they are saying we did it."
(#653) Alphabetical order
Many years ago, during a trans-Atlantic
flight, the pilot got on the intercom and said he was experiencing difficulties
and that the weight of the plane would have to be reduced. He suggested
the passengers throw their luggage off the plane. Everyone did.
A short time later, he got back on the
intercom, "The plane is still too heavy, so some passengers will have to
jump off - but we're going to do this alphabetically. Will all African-Americans,
please jump off the plane."
No one stood up.
"Will all blacks, please jump off the
plane."
Still no one stood up.
"Will all coloureds, please jump off the
plane."
Again, no one stood up.
Then a smart, well-mannered little black
boy turned to his prim and proper, well-educated, affluent mother and said,
"Mama, ain't we all those things?"
And the mother answered, "No baby, we're
Schvartzas today."
(#654) Tickets please
Shlomo and Issy were queuing to buy train
tickets to London. Behind them were Mick and Pete. You can imagine Mick
and Pete’s surprise when not only did Shlomo and Issy buy just one ticket,
but also that both of them got on the train.
The train was 15 minutes into its journey
when a ticket inspector came into their carriage. Mick and Pete waited
for Shlomo and Issy to get caught, but before the inspector saw them, Shlomo
and Issy ran into one of the toilets. When the inspector came to the occupied
toilet and knocked on the door shouting, ‘ticket please’, a ticket immediately
appeared under the door. The inspector clipped it and passed it back.
Mick and Pete were astounded by the trick
- and mad because they had bought two tickets. They vowed to do likewise
next time.
A few days later, Shlomo and Issy were
in the queue to buy their ticket back home. But when they saw Mick and
Pete buy just one ticket, they immediately left the queue without buying
any ticket.
15 minutes into the train journey, when
the ticket inspector entered their carriage, Mick and Pete ran into one
of the toilets. Shlomo and Issy followed them and knocked on the toilet
door. As soon as the ticket was passed underneath the door, Shlomo and
Issy grabbed it and dashed into another toilet. (You can guess what then
happened!).
go to twentyeighth
set
Comments
(#655) The sermon
(My thanks to Marcos Sokiransky
from Buenos Aires for the true story on which this joke is based)
One Friday night I was in the synagogue
and the Rabbi was giving his usual sermon. At the end of his speech, he
told the congregation, “Before we continue, I would like to inform you
that our synagogue has decided to collect goods for the most needy people
in our area. It’s for a good cause and we need your help. Please bring
us this Sunday anything you have lying around your house that you can spare
or have no great need for. For example, I’m sure that you can all think
of something that you have excess of.”
Behind me I heard the voice of an old
lady saying to her neighbour seated next to her, “Yes, Tsuris.”
(Tsuris: A word referring to all problems,
trouble, grief, aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant
with child of an unemployed Catholic bartender, adult son loses job and
moves back home. Major tsuris: daughter and baby ‘Bridget’ move back home
too.)
(#656) The flight of the Rabbis
Thirteen Rabbis were on their way to Jerusalem
when their flight ran into a big thunderstorm. One of the Rabbis immediately
called over a stewardess. Wanting to calm her nerves, he said, "Could you
please tell the pilot that everything will be all right because there are
13 very religious men aboard this plane."
A few minutes later, the stewardess returned
from the cockpit.
She told the Rabbi, "Our pilot said that
although he was pleased to learn that we have 13 holy men aboard this flight,
he would still rather have just one good engine."
(#657) Love, hate and heaven
Sam, Abbe and Moishe were waiting in line
to get into Heaven. When Sam gets to the front of the queue, the Angel
Gabriel said, "Heaven is nearly full today and I can only admit those who
have had horrible deaths. What's your story?"
"I suspected my wife was cheating on me,"
says Sam, "so I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I knew
something was wrong as soon as I entered my flat, but I couldn’t find where
the other guy was hiding. However, when I went out onto my balcony, there
was this man hanging onto my railings. I was furious and started kicking
him but he held on so I got a hammer and battered his fingers. He couldn't
take that and had to let go. He fell 20 stories but he somehow landed in
some thick bushes and only stunned himself so I ran into my kitchen, grabbed
the fridge and threw it over the balcony. My aim was perfect – it landed
right on top of him, killing him instantly. Unfortunately, all the raw
anger got to me. I had a massive heart attack and died on my balcony."
"That sounds quite bad to me," said the
Angel Gabriel and let Sam in.
He then explains to Abbe about Heaven
being full and asks for his story.
"It's been a very unusual day for me.
I live on the 21st floor of a Dockland’s tower
and every morning I do exercises on my
balcony. Unfortunately, this morning I slipped on the wet floor and fell
over the edge. Luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below
mine. All of a sudden, a man burst out onto the balcony and just for a
moment I thought I was saved. But he was a madman and started beating me.
I somehow held on but when he started hammering at my hands, I had to let
go. But I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, winded but OK. But
my luck ran out when a fridge fell on me. Now I'm here."
Once again, Angel Gabriel agreed that
that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
Moishe came to the front of the line and
again the whole process was repeated. Angel Gabriel explained that Heaven
was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says Moishe, "I'm hiding
naked inside a refrigerator..."
(#658) The shul visitors
Rabbi Bloom of the United Orthodox Synagogue
was playing golf one Sunday when he meets three members of the Federation
Reform Synagogue on the course. They talk and he invites them to come to
his shul. Next Shabbos they make an appearance, but because they turn up
some time after service began, all the main seats are filled. Several other
latecomers were already seated on folding chairs.
Rabbi Bloom calls over the Shammas. "Moishe,
please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe is a bit deaf so he leans closer
and says, "I beg your pardon, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Bloom again says, "Get three chairs
for my reform friends in the back."
Moishe was puzzled but as there was a
lull in the service, he goes to the front of the shul and loudly announces,
"The Rabbi says, 'Give three cheers for my Reform friends in the back!'"
(#659) The student letter and its reply
Dear Dad
Univer$ity life i$ really great and I’m
beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lot$ of new friend$, I $till
find time to $tudy very hard. I already have $ome $tuff and I $imply can't
think of anything el$e I need, $o if you like, you can ju$t $end me a $imple
card a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
Moi$he
His father replies: -
Dear Moishe
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and
oceaNOgraphy are probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOurs student
busy. But do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and
one can never study eNOugh.
Love your father,
ArNOld
(#660) Will the real mother-in-law please
stand up
Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage
of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby
towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mother-in-laws-to-be
were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the Rabbi
was called to sort it out.
After he heard the facts, he said to the
two women, "If you still both want him, then we'll have to cut him in half
and each one of you can then have half of him."
One kept quiet while the other said, "In
that case, give him to the other woman."
When the Rabbi heard this, he immediately
said, "OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut
him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!"
(#661) Recognition
Moshe wants to buy a parrot and goes to
his local pet shop to see what they have. The assistant shows him a parrot
and explains that this one is really quite special - it can speak most
languages. So Moshe decides to test this out.
"Do you speak English?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"Hablas Espanol?" asks Moshe.
"Si," replied the parrot.
"Parlez vouz Francaise?" asks Moshe.
"Oui," replied the parrot.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?" asks Moshe.
"Jawohl," replied the parrot.
"Falas Portugues?" asks Moshe.
"Sim," replied the parrot.
Moshe pauses for a while, then asks the
parrot, "Do you speak Yiddish?"
The parrot shrugs its shoulders and says,
"Nu? Vis a nose like dis, vot you tink?"
(#662) The relationship
Whenever 4-year old Miriam was asked her
name, she replied, "I'm Mr Levy’s daughter."
So her mother tells her this is wrong
and that she must answer, "I'm Miriam Levy."
Next shabbos, after the service, the Rabbi
asks her, "Aren't you Mr Levy’s daughter, little girl?"
Miriam replies, "I thought I was, but
my mother says I'm not."
(#663) Medical facts
Issy and Rabbi Samuel were sitting next
to each other on the tube train one night. Issy was returning home after
another wild leaving party in the City, where he worked, and Rabbi Samuel
was going to the Yeshiva to study. They often saw each other on the tube
train and not for the first time, Issy smelled of beer, his shirt was stained,
and his face was covered in lipstick.
Issy unfolded his Jewish Chronicle and
began to read. After a few minutes, he turned to the Rabbi and asked, "What
causes arthritis, Rabbi?"
Rabbi Samuel replied, "It's caused by
loose living, being with cheap, uninhibited women, drinking too much alcohol
and contempt for your fellow man."
"Really?" replied Issy, "It says here
in my paper that the well known Rabbi Jacobs has a very bad case of arthritis."
(#664) The gift
One year, Louis didn’t know what to buy
his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a large plot in Bushey
cemetery.
The following year, Louis bought her nothing
for her birthday and his wife was quick to comment loud and long on his
thoughtlessness to her mother.
"So, why didn’t you buy her something?"
she snapped at him.
"Well, she hasn’t used the gift I gave
her last year," he replied.
(#665) A visit to the Rabbi
Even though they were brought up strictly
orthodox, Shlomo, 8 and Isaac, 10 were very naughty brothers. When anything
went wrong in Golders Green, they were nearly always involved.
One day, a friend visited their parents
and mentioned a Rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children.
As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this
Rabbi and asked whether he could help.
He said he could and asked to see the
younger boy first – but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the Rabbi
while Isaac was kept at home.
The Rabbi sat Shlomo down across a huge,
solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For 5 minutes they
just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger
at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Shlomo said nothing. Again, in a louder
tone, the Rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, "Where is God?" Again Shlomo
said nothing. Then the Rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on
Shlomo's nose and shouted, "For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?"
Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran
all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac’s room and said, "We are
in big trouble, Isaac."
"What do you mean, big trouble, little
brother?" said Isaac.
Shlomo replied, "God is missing... and
I’m sure they think we did it."
(#666) The mitzvah
As soon as the shabbos service had ended,
little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, "When I grow up, Rabbi,
I'm going to give you lots of money."
Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, "That's
really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?"
Benjy replies, "Because my Dad says you're
the poorest Rabbi we have ever had!"
(#667) The nibbler
Rabbi Levy was running behind with his
daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His
next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home,
the matron said, "Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day.
She was afraid you had forgotten all about her."
The Rabbi apologized, and went straight
to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after
he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about
her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next
to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a
few of the peanuts.
"No, of course not," she replied and continued
talking at length about her day.
A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted
her again and said, "Mrs. Gold, I'm sorry but I've eaten almost all of
your peanuts."
Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, "Don't
worry about it Rabbi, I can't eat peanuts - I just like to nibble the chocolate
off them."
(#668) The ten things all Jewish men
know about women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
(#669) The operation
Recovering from major heart surgery, Moishe
awoke to find the curtains in his private ward drawn. When his surgeon
arrived, he immediately saw the perplexed look on Moishe’s face. So he
said, "Please don’t be alarmed, Moishe. There’s a large fire in the garden
right outside your window and we didn't want you to wake up and think the
surgery was a failure".
(#670) Forget Something?
Because their memories were getting so
bad with old age, Sadie and Sam had to put things in writing to help them
remember them. One night, Sam got up from watching the usual TV soap and
said to Sadie, "I’m going to the kitchen for something to eat. Do you want
anything while I'm there?"
Sadie said, "Yes, Sam, some ice cream,
please."
Just as Sam set off she added, "And write
it down."
"Don’t worry, I can remember ice cream,"
said Sam.
Then Sadie said, "I also want strawberries
on my ice cream... Write it down."
"No need, I can remember ice cream with
strawberries," he replied.
Sadie added, "But I also want whipped
cream on top of the strawberries."
Sam nodded, but left the room without
writing anything down.
When he returned, Sam was carrying a plate
of cold roast beef with mustard.
"Now see what you've done," she said,
"You’ve forgotten the toast I asked for."
(#671) Creation of Israel
On the sixth day God turned to the angel
Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It
will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It will have rolling hills
and mountains full of goats and eagles, a beautiful, sparkling, clear ocean
full of sea life and high cliffs overlooking white sandy beaches."
God continued, "And I shall make the land
rich in oil to allow the
inhabitants to prosper. I shall call these
inhabitants ‘Jews’ and they shall be known as the most friendly people
on the earth."
"But," asked Gabriel, "don't you think
you’re being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait
and see the neighbours I am going to
give them."
(#672) My heroic Zeida
My Zaida was very religious. He prayed
3 times a day and laid tefillin every morning. One night, he heard a noise
downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what
it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Zaida’s silver cutlery,
wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Zaida very angry
and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when
he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just
about to stab my Zaida when all of a sudden, my Zaida screamed out "nisht
mit the milchidic messer" (not with the dairy knife).
(#673) Business versus pleasure
Issy owned a small deli in Hendon. One
day, a tax inspector knocked on his door and questioned him about his recent
tax return. Issy had reported a net profit of £50,000 for the year
and he wanted to know all about it.
"It’s like this," said Issy. "I work like
a maniac all year round and all of my family help me out whenever they
can. My deli is closed only five times a year. That’s how I made £50,000."
"It's not your income that bothers us,"
said the taxman. "It's the business travel deductions of £80,000
that worries us. You entered on the tax return that you and your wife made
fifteen business trips to Israel."
"Oh," said Issy, smiling. "I forgot to
tell you that we also deliver."
(#674) The meeting
Hannah and Natalie hadn’t seen each other
since they were at school together over 30 years ago. But it’s a small
world and they meet by chance in Brent Cross shopping Centre one Sunday
afternoon. Hannah tells Natalie about her children. "My son is a doctor
and he's got three children of his own. My daughter is married to a lawyer
and they have two fabulous girls. What about you, Natalie?"
Natalie replies, "I’m married to Moishe
and sadly, we don't have any children. So we don’t have any grandchildren."
Hannah says, "If you have no children
and no grandchildren, tell me, what do you do for aggravation?"
go to twentynineth
set
Comments
(#675) The drawing session
[My
thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Moshe is having a session with his psychiatrist.
Doctor Cohen draws a picture of a triangle and asks Moshe what it looks
like to him.
Moshe shows some excitement and says,
"It looks like a man & woman in bed."
"Hmmm," says Doctor Cohen, stroking his
beard. He then draws another picture, this time of a square, and again
asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe gets more excited and says again,
"It looks like a man & woman in bed."
Again Doctor Cohen says "Hmmm", strokes
his beard and then draws another picture, this one a circle. He asks Moshe
what this looks like to him.
Moshe is agitated and replies, "It looks
like a man & woman having intercourse."
Doctor Cohen says, "Young man, I think
you have too much sex on your mind."
Moshe replies, "That’s unfair – it’s you
who's drawing the dirty pictures."
(#676) The Aliyah
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue
and says, "I want to give you Aliyah. What’s your name?"
The man answers, "Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "I told you, it’s Rifka
bat Jacov."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your
name?"
The man replies, "I've recently been in
some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's
name."
(#677) Preparing for the wedding
[My thanks to Peter Scolding
for the following joke]
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah,
age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very
excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding
arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go
in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice
asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice.
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?"
asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?"
asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, "Do you
stock that Viagra, then?"
"Of course, sir."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins,
sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems,
arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all
of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs
and Zimmer frames?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and
all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK.
We'd like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please."
(#678) Length matters
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman
for the following joke]
Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth.
He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey
Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth. Its length must be from
the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered
tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning Smith is awakened at
7am by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row
of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange
cloth in his front garden. Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange
cloth. Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000
Smith starts yelling and screaming at
Abe. "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told
you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your
penis. Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm
very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few
witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5%
discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision."
(#679) Bad food
Moishe, an elderly man, was listening
to a dietician addressing a large audience in London.
"Did you know," said the dietician, "that
the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually
kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us,
soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium
Glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most
of us don’t realise the long-term harm being caused by additions to our
drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these
put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"
Moishe stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
(#680) The birthday present
Shlomo was driving home one evening when
he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't
bought her a present. So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran
all the way to the toyshop.
"How much is the latest Barbie doll?"
he asked the manager.
The manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for
£16.99, 'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes
to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Barmitzvah' for
£19.99. We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00".
Shlomo is confused and asked the manager,
"Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less
than £20?"
"It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's
cat and Ken's furniture."
(#681) Some quotes you might not be
aware of
After all the money we spent on braces, is
that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa’s Jewish Mother]
I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you could
have still written. [Columbus’ Jewish Mother]
Of course I’m proud you invented the electric
light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison’s
Jewish mother]
But it’s your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn’t you
do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother]
That’s a nice story. So now tell me where
you’ve really been for the last 40 years. [Jonah’s Jewish mother]
(#682) Trip to lingerie
Rubin took a trip to John Lewis Brent
Cross. He went straight to the lingerie department, boldly walked up to
an assistant and said, "I want a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.
"What type?" Rubin replied, "Is there
more than one type?"
"Yes sir, there is," she said, "Just look
at these."
And she then showed him bras in every
shape, colour and material imaginable.
"Actually," she said, "even with such
a variety, there are only 4 types of bra."
Rubin was very confused, so he asked her
what the 4 types were.
"There is the Presbyterian type, the Catholic
type, the Salvation Army type and the Jewish type. Which one do you
think your wife would like?" she replied.
Still confused, Rubin asked, "What’s the
difference between them?"
The assistant replied, "It’s really quite
simple, sir. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, the
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the
fallen and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."
(#683) Good advice
When Jewish children were asked what advice
they would give to other children, here are some of the answers they gave.
"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
"When your Dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I
look stupid?' don't answer."
"Never tell your Mum her diet's not working."
"Stay away from prunes."
"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you
to."
"When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let
her brush your hair."
"Don't sneeze in front of Mum when you're
eating crackers."
"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts."
"If you want a kitten, start out by asking
for a horse."
"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."
"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding
a cricket bat."
"If you get a bad school report, show it to
Mum when she's on the phone."
(#684) The three bears Levine
It's a lovely hot, sunny morning in the
forest where the bear family Levine live. There was mummy bear Rifka, daddy
bear Shlomo and baby bear Benny.
Benny bear goes downstairs for breakfast
and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks
at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty.
"Who's been eating my bagel?" he squeaks.
Shlomo bear then makes an appearance and
sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too
is empty.
"Who's been eating my bagels?" he roars.
On hearing all this complaining, Rifka
bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Shlomo and Benny.
"How many times do we have to go through
this? It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who woke up
everybody else in the house. It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put everything away. It was mummy bear who went out
into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspapers and bagels. It
was mummy bear who set the breakfast table. It was mummy bear who filled
the cat's milk and food dishes, and it was mummy bear who cleaned the litter
box and took the dog for a walk."
"And now that you two have finally decided
to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen good because
I'm only going to say this one more time.......
I haven't made the bl**dy bagels yet!!!"
(#685) Moishe Magic
Moshe Magic (a Jewish magician, would
you believe?) was playing to a packed London variety theatre. When he came
to the point in his act where he needed someone to help him, he called
up the biggest, strongest-looking man he could find in the audience.
When the helper came up on stage, Moshe
Magic handed him a rubber mallet and said, "When I put my head on this
wooden block, hit me as hard as you can. And don’t worry about hurting
me - it won't effect me at all. It’s my act."
The man said, "Okay, if you say so."
So Moshe Magic put his head on the block
and said, "OK, you can hit me now."
Ten years later, Moshe Magic woke up in
a hospital bed from a coma and yelled, "Ta-Da!"
(#686) Helping the needy
Hette had just got back home after a trip
to Brent Cross shopping center when she was shocked to find her husband
Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side.
Hette was speechless and ran from the
room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening
the front door to escape.
Bernie said, "Before you leave me, Hette,
please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this
woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in
tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask
whether she needed any help."
"She told me she was hungry so I brought
her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you
said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair
of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave
her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going
to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her
a new skirt from your wardrobe – one that you said didn’t fit you anymore."
"Then just as she was about to leave the
house, she asked me, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use
anymore?' And so, here we are!"
(#687) Should I marry?
Moshe was talking to his friend Issy.
“Issy, I’m nearly 40 years old. Do you think I should marry?”
“By all means get married,” replied Issy.
“If you get a good a wife, you'll be happy. If you don't, you’ll become
a philosopher -- and that’s a good thing for any man.”
(#688) The Rolls Aviv
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left
his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for
several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit
and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went
to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have
I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do
you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv," said John, "a British
built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious
driver. Come over here and let me show you. You won’t believe your
eyes. It’s unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv
and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or
brake pedal," said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said
Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli
computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into
instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right
words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it," said Levy.
"It’s true. To begin driving the car,
just say, "baruch ha’shem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car
began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop
it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel',
and the car will stop," said John and as he spoke these words, the car
braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch ha’shem'
to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car
right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch ha’shem' and soon the Rolls
Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed
to see a sign that said,
"Warning – unfinished bridge ahead. Take
next turning left."
so the car continued to move at speed
towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I’m going to crash. How do I
stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn’t remember what John
told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the
end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me," Levy thought
and preparing for death, he started reciting the shema. Suddenly, the Rolls
Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge.
Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had
come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch ha’shem'".
(#689) The lottery winner
Moshe just couldn’t believe it - he had
won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend.
Maurice congratulated Moshe and asked
how he had picked his six numbers.
“I chose my age and the ages of my wife
and 3 children,” replied Moshe.
“But that’s only 5 numbers,” said Maurice.
”What about the sixth number?”
“Well, it was a miracle,” replied Moshe.
“Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes. Six
times seven is 49 and so I chose 49.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Maurice, “six
times seven is 42 not 49.”
“Huh? . . . All right, so you be the mathematical
genius.”
(#690) The separation
Shlomo and Hette had been living apart
for a number of weeks and decided to visit their Rabbi to see whether he
could help solve their problems and save their marriage. Following some
lengthy counselling with the Rabbi they made a brief attempt to reconcile
their differences, but in the end they failed. They quickly decided to
end their union.
In court to finalize their separation,
the judge asks Shlomo, "So tell me, what has brought you to the point where
you are unable to keep your marriage going?"
Shlomo replies, "In the seven weeks we've
been back together, your honour, we just haven't been able to agree on
one little thing."
Hette interrupts, "He means eight weeks,
your honour!"
(#691) The difficult question
One day, Benjy comes home from school,
goes straight to his father and asks, "What is fornication, Dad?"
And he gets the answer all Jewish fathers
give - "Why don’t you ask your mother, son?"
So Benjy goes into the kitchen and asks
his mother, "What is fornication, Mum? Dad said you would know."
His mother replies, "I’m busy right now,
Benjy, why don’t you go and ask your Bubbe, she will tell you."
So Benjy goes upstairs to his Bubbe’s
room, knocks on her door and shouts, "Please, Bubbe, what is fornication?
No one here seems to know."
Bubbe says, "Come inside tatallah,"
She then takes him to her wardrobe, opens
the door, takes out a beautiful full length pink beaded evening dress and
says, "This, tatellah, is foranoccasion."
(#692) What do they do?
Jewish Women: They carry children, they
carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and
joy. They smile when they want to scream, sing when they want to cry, cry
when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They wait by the phone
for a "I got home safely" call after a friend drives home in a storm. They
are childcare workers, executives, lawyers, and stay-at-home mums. They
fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They
walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools
and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with
a frightened friend. They are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer
side to make a point. They want to be the best for their family, their
friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have
sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think
there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to
show how much they care about you. The heart of a Jewish woman is what
makes the world spin! They do more than just give birth. They bring joy
and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their
family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you
to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Jewish Men: They are good at lifting heavy
stuff and killing bugs.
(#693) The two Rabbis
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted
each other at shul by saying, "Good Shabbos" to each other. One shabbos,
Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, "What by you is
a good shabbos?"
Rabbi Levy replied, "By me, a good shabbos
is when I wake up, have a good
breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah
boy does a good job, my sermon
goes down well, we have a kiddush, I have
a whisky, go home to lunch,
have a little sleep, a little studying,
and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good
shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by
you?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "By me a good shabbos
is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love.
Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife,
walk to shul, do all the things you
mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife
and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand,
come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make
Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos."
"That," says Rabbi Levy, "is not a good
shabbos. That is a GREAT
shabbos."
(#694) Come up and see me sometime
Jacob had just returned to Kiev after
visiting London. As soon as he got home, he wrote the following letter
to a friend he had met in London just before he left.
“It was so nice to meet with you. If you
are ever in Kiev, please come and visit me, I would be glad to see you
again. It’s easy to find me. Go to the main street in Kiev and start walking
straight from its beginning at the Station. Take the third turning on the
right and continue down this road until you come to the Kiev Flats. Go
through the archway and you'll find yourself in a big courtyard surrounded
by apartment buildings.
Then shout out as loud as you can, "Rabbinowitz."
You'll immediately see faces looking at
you from all the apartment windows in the courtyard except one! This is
my window, because my name is Rosen."
go to thirtieth set
Comments
(#695) Sadness at the cemetery
[My thanks to Hilary of
Melbourne, Australia for the following joke]
Isaac was a very successful marketing
director. Sadly, his wife Rifka dies. At the cemetery, Isaac's friends
and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads: -
"Here lies Rifka, wife of Isaac Levy,
MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality
Marketing Services Ltd."
Isaac was standing in front of Rifka's
grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.
His brother says to him, "I'm not at all
surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry,
pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rifka's headstone."
Through his tears, Isaac sobs, "You don't
understand. They left out the phone number."
(#696) It’s quiet upstairs
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Sadie, as she did every Sunday afternoon,
went with her young son Moshe to visit her best friend Rifka and her young
daughter Hannah. When
they arrive, both mothers send their children
upstairs so they can talk about their neighbours. The children are first
given a stern warning they are not to fight. After about an hour, everything
is too quiet upstairs so Sadie hollers out, “Children, you’re not fighting
up there are you?”
Moshe’s voice comes back, “No mum, were
not fighting, we’re schtooping.”
Sadie replies, “That’s good children,
don't fight.”
(#697) The juice bar
[My thanks to Michael Berglin
of Minnesota for the following joke]
Issy and his wife were taking a car trip
and Issy notices that he is getting low on petrol. Up ahead was a combination
fast food outlet and petrol station. So he pulls in. As he is thirsty,
Issy walks up to the juice bar.
The young kid who is wiping down the counter
looks up and says, “Juice?”
Issy replies, “So what if we are, don't
we get no petrol?”
(#698) The helping hand
[My thanks to Malcolm Goodman
for the following joke]
Maurice came home from the Reform synagogue
one Saturday with a black eye.
“Maurice, what ever happened?” asked his
wife Becky.
“Well,” said Maurice, “it was like this.
During the service, we had to stand several times and on one occasion I
noticed that Mrs Levy, who was sitting in front of me, had her dress stuck
in the crease of her bottom, so I leaned forward and pulled it out.
But Mrs Levy didn’t like this at all - she turned around and hit me full
in the face with her prayer book.”
The following week, Maurice comes back
from synagogue with the other eye blackened.
“And what happened this time, Maurice?”
asked Becky.
“Well,” says Maurice, “it was like this.
Once again Mrs Levy had her dress trapped, but this time my friend Issy
saw it. He leaned over and carefully pulled out the dress. But I know that
Mrs Levy doesn't like this - so I tucked it back in again!”
(#699) The Christmas present
Father Christmas was working at Brent
Cross Shopping Centre when he noticed a young lady, about twenty years
old and wearing a large gold Magen Dovid pendent around her neck, walking
towards him. He was surprised, therefore, when she sat on his lap. Now
Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but as she gave him such
a nice smile, he couldn’t refuse.
He said to her, "What’s your name?"
"Hannah," came the reply.
"And what does a nice Jewish woman like
you want for Christmas, Hannah?"
"Actually, I want something for my mother,
please," said Hannah.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's
very thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her?"
Without blinking, Hannah replied, "A son-in-law."
(#700) Nothing left
When Sadie’s husband dies, she has only
£25,000 to her name. After all the expenses are paid, she tells her
closest friend Ruth that she has no money left.
Ruth says, "How can that be, Sadie? You
told me you had £25,000 just a few days before Maurice died. How
can you now be broke?"
Sadie replies, "Well to tell you the truth,
Maurice and I were not paid up members of any synagogue. So the funeral
cost me £5,000, the hospital bill came to £3,000 and of course,
I had to make the obligatory donation to the synagogue, another £3,000.
All the rest went on the memorial stone."
Ruth does some silent calculating and
then says, "£14,000 for the memorial stone? My God, Sadie, how big
was it, what was it made of?"
Extending her left hand, Sadie replies,
"Three and a half carats."
(#701) The funeral ceremony
Moishe meets Arnold at their social club
and asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.
"It went OK, Moishe," replied Arnold,
"but at the end of the Rabbi’s eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from
laughing aloud."
"Why was that?" asks Moishe.
"Well," says Arnold, "throughout his marriage
to Miriam, she was always telling me what a mean man he was. He never had
a steady job and the money he brought home to her wasn't enough for food
and clothing, let alone holidays. Yet he drank heavily and often stayed
out all night gambling. Altogether, a good husband he was not. But at the
funeral, the Rabbi spoke of how wonderful the deceased was - so considerate,
so beloved, so thoughtful to others. Then, when the Rabbi had finished,
I heard Miriam say to one of her children, "Do me a favour, David, go see
whether it’s your father in the coffin."
(#702) Home truth
Shlomo was talking to his friend Moishe,
who had just moved to a house near him in Hampstead Garden Suburb.
"Why don’t you join our local synagogue,
Moishe?" asked Shlomo.
"Why should I?" replied Moishe?"
"So that your children will realise they're
Jewish," said Shlomo.
"But they already realise they're Jewish,"
said Moishe. "They have heartburn."
(#703) Good choice
Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat
for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as
to who should get the first pancake she made.
"Shame on you boys," said Sadie. "If the
wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the
first pancake’."
Nicky looked at Simon and said, "OK, Simon,
you be King Solomon today."
(#704) Quickies
Q: What is worse than a male chauvinistic
pig?
A: A woman that won’t do as she is told.
Bernie says to his wife Sarah, “Let’s go
out tonight, darling and have some fun.”
Sarah replies, “OK, but if you get home
before I do, please leave the light in the hall on.”
Q: What’s the best way to always remember
your wife’s birthday?
A: Forget it just the once.
If God had intended Jewish women to exercise,
he'd have put diamonds on the floor. (Joan Rivers)
(#705) The steal
As soon as Issy got home from work one
evening, his wife Becky came up to him and said, "Issy, our au pair has
stolen two of our towels."
"Oh, really," said Issy, not looking very
interested, "that wasn't a nice thing to do."
"You're damn right it wasn't," said Becky,
"they were the best towels we had, the two we got from the Hilton Eilat
while we were on holiday last Passover."
(#706) The cure?
Moishe goes to see his doctor and says,
"You must help me, doctor. Sadie isn't interested in sex anymore. Do you
have something I can give her?"
"I’m not really allowed to prescribe..."
the doctor starts, but is interrupted.
"Doctor, can we talk off the record please?
In all the years we've known each other, have you ever seen me like this?
I’m desperate. I can't concentrate, my business is failing and I’m going
to pieces. I beg of you – please help me."
The doctor takes a bottle of pills from
his cabinet and says, "I really shouldn’t do this. These pills are still
experimental and the results so far indicate that they're very powerful.
So please don't give Sadie any more than one at a time. I suggest you put
it in her coffee. Do you understand, Moishe?
"Yes. Thanks doctor."
Later that evening, after dinner, when
Sadie goes into the kitchen to fetch the dessert, Moishe drops one pill
into Sadie’s coffee, hesitates, and then drops in a second pill. But Moishe
couldn’t forget the doctor saying they were powerful. What should he do?
In a flash of inspiration, he also drops a pill into his coffee.
Sadie returns with the lochshen pudding,
which they both enjoy with their coffee. Five minutes after they finish,
Sadie takes a deep breath, sighs and starts to shake. A strange look comes
over her and in a sexy tone of voice she says, "Oy vay, Moishe, do I need
a man right now."
Moishe’s hands are now trembling as he
replies, "Me too."
(#707) The interview
Yossi was the manager of an up-market
menswear store in New Bond Street and was interviewing Abe for the recently
advertised salesman role. Yossi looks at Abe’s CV and notices that Abe
has never worked in retail before.
So Yossi says, "What a chutzpah, if you
don’t mind me saying. For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly
asking for a high salary."
"Well I suppose I am," Abe replies, "but
you must realise that the work is so much harder when you don't know what
you're doing."
(#708) A visit to the doctor
Benny is nearly 80 years old and goes
to his doctor for his yearly medical checkup. His wife Becky comes along
with him.
As soon as they enter the doctor’s office,
the doctor says to Benny, "I need a urine sample and a stool sample."
Benny’s hearing was not as good as it
used to be, so he looks at Becky and shouts, "What did the doctor say he
wanted?"
Becky shouts back, "He wants your underwear."
(#709) Holiday booking
Shlomo and Moshe were talking one day
about holidays. Shlomo says, "I think I am just about ready to book my
winter holidays again, but I’m going to do it differently this time. In
the past, I have always taken your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Eilat. I went to Eilat and my wife Ruth got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to Bermuda and Ruth got pregnant
again. Last year you suggested the Canary Isles and as you know, Ruth got
pregnant yet again."
Moishe asks, "So what are you going to
do different this year, Shlomo?"
"This year," replies Shlomo, "I'm taking
Ruth with me."
(#710) Seder song number 1 – There’s
no Seder like our Seder
(sung to the tune of "There's no Business
like Show business")
There's no seder like our seder,
There's no seder I know.
Everything about it is halachic
Nothing that the Torah won't allow.
Listen how we read the whole Haggadah
It's all in Hebrew
'Cause we know how.
There's no Seder like our seder,
We tell a tale that is swell.
Moses took the people out into the heat
They baked the matzah
While on their feet
Now isn't that a story
That just can't be beat?
Let's go on with the show!
(#711) Seder song number 2 - Elijah
(sung to the tune of "Maria")
Elijah!
I just saw the prophet Elijah.
And suddenly that name
Will never sound the same to me.
Elijah!
He came to our seder
Elijah!
He had his cup of wine,
But could not stay to dine
This year--
Elijah!
For your message all Jews are waiting:
That the time's come for peace
and not hating--
Elijah--
Next year we'll be waiting.
Elijah!
(#712) Seder song number 3 - Just a
Tad of Haroset
(sung to the tune of "Just a spoon full
of sugar")
Chorus:
Just a tad of haroset helps the bitter
herbs go down,
The bitter herbs go down, the bitter herbs
go down.
Just a tad of Charoset helps the bitter
herbs go down,
In the most disguising way.
Oh, back in Egypt long ago,
The Jews were slaves under Pharaoh
They sweat and toiled and laboured through
the day.
So when we gather Pesach night,
We do what we think right.
Maror, we chew,
To feel what they went through.
Chorus
So after years of slavery
They saw no chance of being free.
Their suffering was the only life they
knew.
But baby Moses grew up tall,
And said he'd save them all.
He did, and yet,
We swear we won't forget.
That......
Chorus
While the Maror is being passed,
We all refill our water glass,
Preparing for the taste that turns us
red.
Although Maror seems full of minuses,
It sure does clear our sinuses.
But what's to do?
It's hard to be a Jew!!!
Chorus
(#713) Seder song number 4 – These are
a few of our Passover Things
(sung to the tune of "These are a few
of my favourite things")
Cleaning and cooking and so many dishes
Out with the hametz, no pasta, no knishes
Fish that's gefillted, horseradish that
stings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Matzoh and karpas and chopped up haroset
Shankbones and kiddish and yiddish neuroses
Tante who kvetches and uncle who sings
These are a few of our Passover things.
Motzi and maror and trouble with Pharoahs
Famines and locusts and slaves with wheelbarrows
Matzah balls floating and eggshell that
cling
These are a few of our Passover things.
When the plagues strike
When the lice bite
When we're feeling sad
We simply remember our Passover things
And then we don't feel so bad.
(#714) Modern Haggadah selections
We were slaves to our employers, working
seven days a week with no benefits, and then the unions were organized,
and decreed a five-day working week and many days holiday during the year.
Now if the unions had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons,
and even our grandsons, would still have to receive lowly wages. But our
daughters and granddaughters still await their salvation.
Even on Shabbat, one can easily reach 12
different kinds of gefilte fish:
Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, “How can we show
that four different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we
ate four different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and whitefish-pike,)
but we are now able to buy them three different ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat
in jars, frozen in loaves, or ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows
that if there were four different species, then there are 12 different
gefilte fishes.”
Rabbi Eliezer said, “How can we show that
each of the twelve fishes is actually eight dishes? Because they can be
made with or without salt, with or without sugar, and with or without matzo
meal, and there are eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if
there are twelve fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are
a total of 96 dishes!”
Rabbi Akiva said, “How can we show that
each of the twelve fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of Rabbi
Eliezer's eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there
are twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a total
of 192 dishes!”
There are four types of children who ask
questions on Pesach: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the
one who does not know to ask.
What does the wise one ask? I don't know.
I couldn't understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted
children.
What does the bad one ask? He says, "What
is this holiday to you?" Because he excludes himself from the community,
you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer
and get paid double-time and a half for working on Pesach.
What does the simple one ask? He simply
asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."
As for the one who does not know to ask,
you must go to his room, wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come
to the table!"
go to thirtyfirst
set
Comments
(#715) It’s too high
[My thanks to Diane Minkoff
for the following joke]
Moishe is 75 years old and goes for a
medical. After the examination, his doctor says to him, "You're in remarkable
shape for a man of your age."
"I know it," said Moishe, "but I've got
a problem. My sex drive is too high. Have you got anything you can give
me for it?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your
what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," repeated Moishe, "is too
high and I'd like you to lower it."
"Lower it?" exclaimed the doctor, still
unable to believe what his 75 year old patient was saying. "Just what do
you consider high?"
"These days it seems like it's all in
my head, doctor," replies Moishe, "and I'd like to have you lower it a
couple of feet if you can."
(#716) Starting all over again
[My thanks to Stanley Cohen
for the following joke]
Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement
home. One day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Yitzhak turns
to Melvyn and says, "Melvyn, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and
pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
Melvyn replies, "I feel just like a new-born
baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yes," replies Melvyn, "no hair, no teeth
and I think I just wet myself."
(#717) The train ride
[My thanks to Sylvia Suchall
for the following joke]
Issy had never been on a train in his
life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try
a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht
under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other.
He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly,
a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment.
It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m
not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”
(#718) The Lubavitch rowing team
[My thanks to Malcolm Goodman
for the following joke]
The Lubavitch challenged Oxford University
to a rowing contest but discovered that Oxford were twice as fast as they
were. So the Lubavitch cox sent a spy across to Oxford to find out why
and how. A few hours later the spy returns.
“Nuh,” says the Lubavitch cox, “tell all.”
“Well.” says the spy, “they do everything
the other way round to us.”
“Explain,” says the cox.
“It's simple,” says the spy, “they've
got eight men rowing and one man shouting!”
(#719) Dying wishes
[My thanks to Michael Berglin
for the following joke]
Rivkah is on her death bed and the Rabbi
was there with her.
“Rivkah,“ says the Rabbi, “do you have
any last wishes?”
“Yes,” replied Rivkah, “I want to be cremated.”
“What!” says the Rabbi, “you know that
is forbidden. But, I suppose...”
“Next, says Rivkah, “I want my ashes spread
out on the roof of Brent Cross Shopping Centre.”
“Rivkah,” says the Rabbi, “I must protest
- why would you want to do that?”
“Well,” says Rivkah, “that way my daughters
would come and visit me once a week.”
(#720) You know you grew up Jewish when......
You spent your entire childhood thinking that
everyone calls roast beef brisket".
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered
in Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was
spent visiting your grandparents.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the
age of seven.
You never knew anyone who's last name didn't
end in one of 5 standard suffixes.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn
green.
Your mother smacked you really hard and continues
to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak
it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish
words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what
they mean. Kenahurra.
You have at least one ancestor who is related
to your spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone
to shout, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're
in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named
David.
You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen
Spielberg movie.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
(#721) The proposal
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out
with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her
mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she
replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so
sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an
atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in Hell."
Her mother then says, "That’s all right
Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between
the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
(#722) Letter to my son
My dear darling Moshe and that-person-you-married-against-my-wishes,
Happy New Year and well over the fast
to you. Please don’t worry about me – I’m well, considering I am having
trouble breathing and eating. All I want is for you to have a nice holiday
thousands of miles away from your mother.
Please find attached to this letter my
last £20. I am just hoping that you will spend it on my grandchildren,
poor babies - God knows their mother never seems to buy them anything nice.
Maybe you’ll buy some food, as they look so thin in the photos you sent
me.
Thank you Moshe for the flowers you sent
me on my birthday. To save you money, I have put them in the freezer in
the hope that they will last until my funeral. And please don’t think of
sending me any more money. I realise you will need it yourself for your
next who-knows-where-in-the-world expensive holiday.
I lost my walking stick last week beating
off muggers, but don’t worry - when I finish writing this letter, I shall
crawl back to bed. I am even beginning to get used to the cold since the
landlord turned off the heating. The frost helps to numb the constant pain.
Please give my love to my darling grandchildren
and give my regards to ‘her’.
Love from your devoted mother.
(#723) The shnorrer
A shnorrer knocked on the door of a house
in Golders Green.
“What do you want?” said the owner.
“Can you spare some money to help a poor
person?” said the beggar.
But as soon he was given a few coins and
told to go on his way, the beggar complained, “Your son gave me twice as
much when I called here last week.”
“Well, my son can afford to,” said the
owner, “he has a very rich father.”
(#724) A really old joke
There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly
breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in
Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah,
this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say
such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of
God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied
Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”
(#725) The secret
Sadie had worked as an accounts clerk
for the Prague candlesticks company for nearly 30 years when she died.
Everyone remembered how she would arrive at her desk every morning at exactly
8.30 am. She would put on her glasses, unlock her desk, and peer closely
into the centre drawer. Then she would re-lock her desk and get on with
her work. She did this every working day and no one, not even the senior
accountant, knew what was in her centre drawer. Now she was dead, her work
colleagues could find out her secret.
So they unlocked her desk and opened the
centre drawer. Inside they found a small piece of paper with these words
written on it, “THE SIDE TOWARDS THE DOOR IS THE DEBIT SIDE.”
(#726) The request
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and
says, rather timidly, “Mr Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my
golden wedding anniversary.”
“What a chutzpah you have,” replied Mr
Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 50 years?”
(#727) The reporter and the old man
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy
was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters
to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?"
asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut,"
Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed
by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a
teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo
followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come
it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that
he didn't keep it up long enough."
(#728) He had a hat (alternative version)
Sadie walked into a print lab to have
a photo of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched.
She said to the technician, "I have always
hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you
please retouch the hat out?"
"Of course," said the technician, "what
colour hair did your husband have?"
"When you take the hat off, you'll see,"
she said.
(#729) Let the boss go first
A junior manager, a senior manager and
Moshe their boss, are on their way to a meeting. On their journey through
a park, they come across an oil lamp sticking out of the ground under a
bush. They pick it up, rub it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you very much.
I normally grant three wishes but as there are three of you, I can only
allow one wish each."
Without waiting for the others, the eager
senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas,
on a fast boat with loads of money and have no worries for the rest of
my life."
POW and he was gone.
The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet
and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls all around me,
and plenty of good food and champagne."
KERPOW and he was gone too.
Moshe the boss then calmly said, "Here’s
my wish. I want those two idiots back in my office immediately after lunch."
(#730) Quickies
Son: “How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?”
Father: “I don't know son, I'm still paying
for it.”
Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.”
Father: “That happens everywhere, son,
EVERYWHERE.”
Q: How can you tell that Maurice is losing
interest in his wife Hette?
A: Because Maurice’s favourite sexual
position is next door.
(#731) The frog
Shlomo, 75 years old, was taking a walk
when he saw a frog in the gutter. He was shocked when the frog began to
speak to him.
The frog said, "Old man, if you kiss me,
I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll be yours forever and we can make
mad passionate love every night."
Shlomo bent down and put the frog into
his pocket and continued walking.
The frog said, "Hey, I don't think you
heard me. I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and
we can make passionate love every night."
Shlomo took the frog out of his pocket
and said, "I heard you, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
(#732) Conversation on a bus.
Hette and her baby get on a bus at Golders
Green. The bus driver takes one look and says to her, “That’s the ugliest
baby I’ve ever seen.”
Hette is extremely angry. She sits down
and says to the man next to her, “I don’t believe it - the bus driver just
insulted me.”
The man replies, “You mustn’t let him
get away with it. You should tell him off. Go ahead and do it now - I’ll
hold your monkey for you.”
(#733) What’s wrong with me?
Esther makes an emergency appointment
to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” says Esther, “just look at the
mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was
shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes
bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I
looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at her and calmly says,
“Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight…”
(#734) Insulting stuff?
Bernie and Abe are having a drink together
in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe’s recent promotion. They had been drinking
for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, “I slept with
your mother, Abe.”
There was a hush as everyone listens.
Bernie again shouts at Abe, “I slept with
your mother, Abe.”
Abe replies, “I know. Why don’t you go
home now, Dad, you’re drunk.”
go to thirtysecond
set
Comments
(#735) The special banquet
[My
thanks to Neil Loomer for the following joke]
A very distinguished orthodox rabbi dies
and goes to heaven. When he arrives, he’s greeted by an angel.
The angel says, “You’ll be pleased to
hear that in honour of your arrival, a special banquet has been prepared.
You will be served only the finest meats, fish and pastries.”
“Who prepared the banquet?” the rabbi
asks.
“Why, none other than Moshe Rabeinu,”
answers the angel.
”And who is the mashgiach?” the rabbi
asks.
“Why God himself,” replies the angel.
“Thank you very much,” says the Rabbi,
“but I’ll just have the fruit plate, if you don’t mind.”
(#736) The surprise visit
Melvyn was a very likeable person and
his quick wittedness had served him well in business – he was now a financial
director in the City. One day his wife Rebecca was shopping close by his
office and decided to pay him a surprise visit. But when she got there
and opened his door, she was shocked to find him sitting at his desk with
his secretary in his lap. Melvyn looked up at her and without hesitating
dictated: -
”And in conclusion, gentlemen, whether
we have budget cuts or not, there is absolutely no way I can continue to
run my office effectively with just one desk and chair.”
(#737) Isn’t marriage wonderful?
Married life is very frustrating. In the
first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In
the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year,
they both speak and the neighbours listen.
Morris was talking to his friend Sydney.
“Do you know,” he said, “some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings
I just let her sleep.”
Q: Why are single Jewish women skinnier
than married Jewish women?
A: Single women go to the fridge, see
nothing nice and then go to bed. Married women go to bed, see nothing nice
and then go to the fridge.
Definition of a perfect wife: Someone who
helps her husband with the dishes.
(#738) You must try once
Sam had just picked up his wife Becky
and their new baby from hospital and brought them home. It was not long
before Becky suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing a nappy.
"I'm busy," he said. "I promise I'll do
the next one."
The next time soon came around so Becky
asked him again.
Sam looked at Becky and said, innocently,
"I didn't mean the next nappy, I meant the next baby."
(#739) Isaac & Sarah – part 1
Isaac gets home late after attending his
friend’s leaving party in the City. As soon as he walks in, there is his
wife, Sarah, waiting for him.
Sarah looks at Isaac and says angrily,
"Can you explain to me, Isaac, how this large red lipstick mark got onto
your shirt collar?"
"No, I can't," Isaac replies. "I don’t
know how it happened - I distinctly remember taking off my shirt."
(#740) Isaac & Sarah – part 2
The next morning, they are still arguing.
Just before leaving for work, on his way out of the door, Isaac shouts
at Sarah, "You’re not even good in bed."
When Isaac returns home after work that
day, he looks for Sarah. He goes upstairs and notices that the bedroom
door is closed. He goes in and there is Sarah in bed with his best friend.
"What the hell are you doing?" he shouts
at her.
"Getting a second opinion," replies Sarah.
(#741) I want to get married
Little Paul says to his father, "Daddy,
Daddy, I want to get married"
His father says, "For that son, you have
to have a girlfriend."
Paul says, "But I've found a girl."
"Who?" said his father.
"My grandma."
"Let me get this straight." the father
says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that."
"Well, why not?" says Paul. "You married
mine."
(#742) The anniversary wish
Sadie and Benny were both 65 years old
and were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. When all the family
and guests had left their house, a fairy appeared from nowhere and said
to them, “Congratulations, you two. I’m here to grant you both one wish
each.”
Sadie said, “I want to travel around the
world.”
The fairy waved her magic wand and POW
– Sadie had tickets in her hand for a round the world cruise on a Cunard
liner.
Then the fairy asked Benny what he wanted.
Benny replied. “I wish I had a wife 30
years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and POW
– Benny was 95 years old.
(#743) This is what Sadie really means
She says (But she means)
We need (I want)
It's your decision (The correct decision
should be obvious by now)
Do what you want (You'll pay for
this later)
We need to talk (I need to complain)
Sure... go ahead (I don't want you
to)
You're certainly attentive tonight
(Is sex all you ever think about?)
You're ... so manly (You need a shave
and you sweat a lot)
I'm not upset (Of course I'm upset,
you moron!)
I'm not emotional or overreacting
(I'm on my period)
Be romantic, turn out the lights
(I have flabby thighs)
This kitchen is so inconvenient (I
want new curtains, carpets, and furniture)
Hang the picture there (No, I mean
hang it there)
I heard a noise (I noticed you were
almost asleep)
Do you love me? (I'm going to ask
for something expensive)
How much do you love me? (I did something
today you're not going to like)
I'll be ready in a minute (Kick off
your shoes and turn on the TV)
Is my butt fat? (Tell me I'm beautiful)
You must learn to communicate (Just
agree with me)
I'm sorry (You'll be sorry)
Do you like this recipe? (It's easy
to make so you'd better get used to it)
Was that the baby? (Get out of bed
and rock him to sleep)
I'm not yelling! (Yes I’m yelling
because I think this is important)
(#744) Dear Moshe
My dear Moshe,
I am writing to tell you that I have been
unable to sleep ever since I broke off our engagement. Won't you please,
please forgive me? Not being able to hug you any more is breaking my heart.
I admit that I was a fool. Nobody can take your place. I really love you.
All my undying love
Becky
XXXXXXXXXXX
PS Mazeltov on winning the top lottery
prize this week.
(#745) How To Be a Good Wife
This is the text from a 50year old home
economics textbook. Really!
"Have his dinner ready. Plan
the night before to have a delicious meal ready for him on time. This will
let him know that you've been thinking of him and concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the thought of a good meal
is part of the warm welcome he needs.
Make yourself look nice. Take a 15
minutes rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives home. Touch
up your make-up and put a pink ribbon in your hair. Don’t forget he has
just been with a lot of work-weary people, so he will need you to look
fresh. Be gay and interesting, as his boring day will need a lift.
Clear away the clutter around the house.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your
husband arrives home and gather up school books, toys, paper, etc. Run
a duster over the tables. Then, when he arrives home, your husband will
feel he has reached a haven of rest and order. It will give you a lift
too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes
to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair and if necessary, change
their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
playing the part.
Minimise all noise. As soon as he arrives
home, turn off the washer, dryer, dishwasher and vacuum. Encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile
and look glad to see him.
Don't greet him with problems and don't
complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared to what
he might have gone through that day. So make him comfortable. Have him
lean back in his armchair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Have
a cool drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his
shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to
relax and unwind. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him,
but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first. Make
the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or
other pleasant entertainment. Instead try to understand his world of strain
and pressure, his need to unwind and relax. Your goal is to try to make
your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax in body
and spirit."
(#746) The tenth baby
Ruth has just given birth to her tenth
child in Edgware hospital.
"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but
don't you think this is enough of the babies, already?"
Ruth replied, "Are you joking? This is
the only time I get to have a holiday each year."
(#747) The marriage secret
Jacob and Rifka had been married for 65
years. When they were asked whether, in all those years, they had ever
thought of divorce, they replied, "Heavens no, murder yes, but divorce
never."
(#748) What’s that?
Bernard went to his synagogue a few hours
before Yom Kippur to check that his tallit was alright. Whilst there, he
saw the caretaker spraying the inside of the synagogue with an air freshener.
As he liked the smell, Bernard asked,
“That’s got a really nice smell. May I ask what it is?”
Keeping a straight face, the caretaker
replied, “Air of Yom Kippur, of course!”
(#749) The new theatre
Issy was part of a group being shown around
the latest theatre in Tel Aviv by the owner. The theatre was enormous –
the size of at least 2 soccer pitches. But Issy couldn’t help noticing
that it had only four rows of seats right at the front.
So Issy asked the owner, “Why are there
only 4 rows of seats? You could of got thousand of seats in this space.”
The owner replied, “The Jews here only
want to sit in the front four rows. If they can’t, they don’t book to see
the shows.”
(#750) The request
Jacob was listening to ‘Kosher FM’ on
his radio when he heard the announcer say, “We now have a request for a
favourite record from a Mr Weinberg… (pause) .. goodness! ….who is 111
and off work this week.”
Then, almost immediately, Jacob heard
the announcer make this correction, “Sorry, listeners, I got it wrong.
The next request is from Mr Weinberg who is ILL and off work this week.”
(#751) Knowledge
Hette was talking to her friend Sadie.
“My son Moishe,” said Hette proudly, “has
first class degrees in psychology, economics and politics.”
“You must be proud of him,” said Sadie.
“Yes I am,” replied Hette. “He can’t get
a job but at least he knows why.”
(#752) The wedding present
Abe was well known for his meanness and
his ‘eye for a bargain’. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present
for his niece, so he went into a gift shop in Golders Green. As he was
walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal
vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with
the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for £1. He then filled in the
congratulations card, wrote out his niece’s name and address and gave the
owner a further £10 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped
and posted. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself.
He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.
A few days later, he rang his niece to
see if the present had arrived.
“Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it
was in 3 pieces when it was delivered.”
“What terrible luck.” said Abe, “The Royal
mail is getting worse all the time.”
“It’s a shame,” she replied. “It was so
beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately.”
(#753) The artist - 1
When Abe returned home from work, his
wife Ruth said, “So how was your day?”
He replied, “I met an artist and I’ve
never met someone so talented. He said he painted a picture of a cobweb
on his wall and it looked so real, the maid tried for over an hour to get
it off.
Ruth said, “I don’t believe him.”
“Why not?” said Abe, “some artists are
very good indeed.”
“Maybe,” said Ruth, “But maids aren’t.”
(#754) The artist - 2
Becky was very rich. One day she telephoned
a famous young artist and said she wanted to commission him to paint her.
He said his fee would be £5,000, which she immediately accepted.
When she arrived at his studio for the first sitting, she gave him a cheque
for £7,000. The artist was very surprised and asked what the extra
money was for.
“I want you to paint me in the nude,”
she said, “Do you have any objections?”
“Not for £7,000 I don’t. But I would
have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes.”
go to thirtythird
set
Comments
(#755) The birthday present
[My
thanks to Sylvia Suchall for the following joke]
Hyman is a very rich and successful businessman.
As it is coming up to his wife Rivka’s birthday, he decides to buy her
a really special birthday present. So he tells his chauffeur to take him
to the best art shops in New Bond Street in London. He soon finds what
he’s looking for - a beautiful Rembrandt painting and he buys it without
a moment’s hesitation.
As soon as Hyman gets back home, he opens
his front door and shouts, “Rivka, Rivka, have I got a Rembrandt for you!”
To which Rivka replies, “Efsha it will
make a skirt.”
(#756) The handyman
[My thanks to Kenneth Griffiths
for the following joke]
Lionel is out of work and, would you believe,
goes to a nearby building site to see what jobs are going.
He goes up to the foreman and says, “Do
you have any vacancies?”
The foreman replies, “What do you do?”
“I’m a handyman,” says Lionel.
“Can you do bricklaying?”
“No.”
“Can you do plumbing?”
“No.”
“Can you do carpentry?”
“No.”
“So why are you calling yourself a handyman,
then?” says the foreman.
“Because,” replies Lionel, “I live round
the corner.”
(#757) The tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman
for the following joke]
Old Avrahom was a poor tailor whose shop
was next door to an upmarket French restaurant. Every day at lunch time,
Avrahom would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring
while smelling the wonderful odours coming from the restaurant's kitchen.
But one day, Avrahom was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant
for ‘enjoyment of food’. So he went to the restaurant to point out that
he had not bought anything from them.
The manager said, "You’re enjoying our
food, so you should pay us for it."
Avrahom refused to pay and the restaurant
sued him.
At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant
to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man
comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his.
It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve
to be recompensed for it."
The judge turns to Avrahom and said, "What
do you have to say to that?"
Avrahom didn’t say anything but stuck
his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What is the meaning
of that?"
Avrahom replied, "I’m paying for the smell
of his food with the sound of my money."
(#758) Religious conference
[My thanks to Luke Petschauer
for the following joke]
At a conference on religion a priest,
a minister and a rabbi were all asked the same question, "What would you
like people to say about you after you die?"
The priest said, "I hope that people will
say that I was able to rise above the scandals that are plaguing the Catholic
Church at this time. I hope that people would say that I was able to shepherd
my flock through this crisis and help them to understand the absolute love
that God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit have for all of them as
Catholics."
The minister then said, "When I die I
hope that people will say that I saved many souls by bringing them to Christ.
I hope that I will be remembered as a caring, thoughtful man who always
spread the Word, the love of Christ and a faith everlasting in God. I hope
that my preaching and converting will be carried on in my memory and to
the glory of Christ."
Finally, the rabbi was asked, "Rabbi,
what do you hope people will say about you after you have died?"
Without pausing, the rabbi answered, "Look.
He's breathing."
(#759) Death of a dog
[My thanks to Jeffrey Stonefor
the following joke]
Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see
his rabbi. "Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special
blessing at my dog's grave?"
The rabbi replies, "I'm afraid it isn't
possible, Benny. In fact the rules don't really make any allowance for
animals."
Benny says, "But I'm really upset, rabbi."
"So maybe you should go to see the Reform
rabbi over the road," says the rabbi.
As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns
to the rabbi and says, "What a shame. I was willing to donate £1,000
for such a service."
At which point the rabbi shouts, "Come
back, come back."
Benny turns round and says, "I thought
you couldn't help me."
"Ah," says the rabbi, "but you didn't
tell me your dog was Orthodox."
(#760) Quickies – Jewish husbands
Q: How many Jewish husbands does it take
to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know - it's never happened.
Q: What do you instantly know when you
see a well-dressed Jewish husband?
A: His wife is good at choosing
his clothes.
Husband: "I don't know why you bother to
wear a bra - you've got nothing to put in it."
Wife: "So, you wear pants don't you?"
Husband: "What have you been doing with
the housekeeping money I give you?"
Wife: "So, turn sideways and look in the
mirror!"
Q: Why is it so difficult to find men who
are sensitive, caring and handsome?
A: They already have boyfriends.
(#761) Staying in
Howard came home from work one evening
and there was his wife Miriam in the kitchen crying out loud.
“What’s the matter, darling?” he asked
her.
“I just don’t know what to do,” said Miriam.
“Because we were eating in for a change, I cooked us a special dinner –
but the dog has just eaten it.”
“Don’t worry,” said Howard, “I’ll get
us another dog.”
(#762) The easy way out
Lionel and Judith had just returned home
from a party.
Judith said, “Do you realise what you
did tonight, Lionel?”
“No I don’t,” Lionel replied, “but I'll
admit I was wrong. What did I do?”
(#763) The kind man
Benjamin returned home early from an overseas
business trip and quietly let himself into his house. He crept upstairs
– and found his wife in bed with a strange man. The stranger was sprawled
naked on top of the sheets and was looking very pleased with himself.
"Rifka, how could you do this to me?"
Benjamin shouted.
"Wait, darling," said Rifka. "You know
that soft blue leather jacket I’ve been wearing recently? Well this is
the kind man who gave it to me. And that pearl and diamond gold necklace
you always like me wearing? Well this is the generous man who gave it to
me. And do you remember when you couldn't afford to buy me my own car and
I came home with an Audi? Well this is the caring man who gave it to me."
Benjamin thought about this for a few
moments, looked again at the scene before him and then said, "For goodness
sake, Rifka, don’t you know it's freezing in here. Cover him up at once.
We don’t want him to catch a cold."
(#764) The late, late call
Maurice and his wife Sadie were asleep
one night when suddenly, at 2am in the morning, the phone rang. Sadie picked
it up.
She listened to the caller then said,
"How the hell should I know. It’s 95 miles away." She then hung up.
Maurice asked, "Who was that?"
Sadie replied. "Some mad woman wanting
to know if the coast was clear."
(#765) Lost soul
Lionel was wandering around Marks &
Spencer one day looking quite worried. Then he notices a beautiful lady
doing her shopping. As she was on her own, he goes up to her and says,
"Excuse me, but I could do with your help. I've lost my wife Sadie here
in the shop. Could you please talk nicely to me for a few minutes?"
"Why would that help you?" she asks him.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful
woman, Sadie appears out of nowhere."
(#766) From you know who
Moshe goes into his local post office
to buy some stamps. As he walks up to the counter, he sees a middle-aged
man methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He was
also placing ‘I Love You’ heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When
he had finished, the man took out a bottle of French perfume and sprayed
all the envelopes with it.
Moshe had to find out why, so he goes
up to the man and asks.
The man replies, "I'm sending out 100
scented Valentine cards, each one signed, 'From you know who'."
"Why so many?" Moshe asks.
"Because I'm a divorce lawyer and business
is not so good."
(#767) The sleepers
Daniel and Naomi, who had never before
met, are travelling on the same overnight sleeper train from London to
Edinburgh. The train was packed and they end up in the same sleeping carriage.
Daniel has the top bunk and Naomi has the bottom bunk. After some initial
embarrassment, they both get to sleep.
At 1am in the morning, Daniel leans over
and says to Naomi, "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I'm really very cold.
Could you please pass me another blanket?"
Naomi looks up at him and says, sexily,
"I've got a much better idea – why don’t we pretend we're married."
"Why not?" says Daniel, "that’s a marvellous
idea."
"Good," Naomi replies. "Go get your own
blanket, then."
(#768) The recordings
Rabbi Bloom was getting quite a reputation
for his sermons. His synagogue was always packed because his congregation
didn’t want to miss a single one of his words. One Sabbath, one member
had to go to another synagogue to attend a nephew's bar mitzvah. Because
he didn't want to miss the sermon, he asked one of his non-Jewish friends
to go in his place and tape the Rabbi’s sermon. In that way, he could listen
to it when he got back.
When other members of the congregation
saw what was going on, they too decided to ask their non-Jewish friends
to go in their places to record the sermon. They could then do other things,
such as play golf or go to football.
Within a short time, there were 100 gentiles
sitting in the synagogue recording the Rabbi’s sermon.
The Rabbi got wise to this. So the following
Sabbath, he, too, asked a non-Jewish friend to attend on his behalf. His
friend brought a tape recorder and played the Rabbi’s pre-recorded sermon
to the 100 non-Jews in the congregation who then recorded the sermon on
their own machines.
This was believed to be the first incidence
in history of "artificial insermonation."
(#769) The pick up
One afternoon, Maurice, a wealthy solicitor,
was driving his Rolls Royce when he passed two poor looking men by the
side of the road eating grass. Maurice quickly stopped his car, backed
up to the men, wound down his window and asked, "What on earth are you
two doing?"
"I’m starving, I have nowhere to live
and I don't have any money to buy food," said one of them.
"You can come with me to my house, then,"
said Maurice.
"But I’ve got a wife and three kids just
up the road."
"So we’ll bring them along, too," replied
Maurice.
"And what about my friend?"
Maurice turned to the other man and said,
"You can come with us, too."
"But, sir," said the friend, "I’ve got
a wife and six children just up the road."
"OK. So we’ll bring them as well," said
Maurice. "Now get in my car, both of you."
Soon, everyone had been picked up.
They had been travelling for only a few
minutes when one of the men said to Maurice, "You’re very kind. Thank you
for taking all of us with you."
Maurice replied, "I’m happy to be able
to do it. And you'll love my place - the grass is almost a foot tall."
(#770) The bargain
Max was in coats but unfortunately business
was very bad.
One day his partner Benjy said to him,
“What are we going to do with these fifty coats? They’re last year’s style
and even though we’ve knocked them down to £10 each, we still can’t
sell any.”
Max replied, “Use your head, Benjy. Price
them at £20 and send all our best clients five coats each. But here’s
the plan. Put in an invoice for £80 for only four coats. If I know
them, my clients will think we’ve made a mistake. They’ll jump at a bargain
and pay the £80.”
“What a terrific idea,” said Benjy. “I’ll
send them out today.”
Two week’s later, Benjy says to Max, “What
a stupid idea it was. Every one of our clients returned the parcel and
the invoice, but only sent back four coats.”
(#771) Business is business
Hetty and Hannah hadn’t seen each other
for some time when they bumped into each other in Brent Cross shopping
centre.
"So Hetty, how is your grandson, the proctologist,
doing?"
"My grandson is no longer a proctologist,
Hannah. He decided to become a dentist instead."
"A dentist! Why the change in career?"
"Business is business, Hannah," replied
Hetty, "Let's face it, everyone starts off with thirty-two teeth but have
you ever heard of anybody who has more than one tuchas?"
(#772) The conversation
The following was overheard at a recent
‘high society’ party.
"My ancestry goes back all the way to
Alexander the Great," said Christine.
She then turned to Miriam and asked, "How
far back does your family go?"
"I don't know," replied Miriam, "All of
our records were lost in the flood."
(#773) The lesson
Rifka, a young mother, was teaching her
6-year-old daughter Ruth how to unbuckle her seat belt.
Ruth asked, "Do I click the red square,
mummy?"
Rifka said, "Yes, darling."
Ruth then asked, "Single click or double
click?"
(#774) The trip to Rome
Moshe and Abe were partners in a very
successful clothing factory. It had been in operation for many years and
there wasn’t much they didn’t know about the shmatta business. One day,
Moshe decided to take a trip to Rome.
As Abe had many catholic friends, he surprised
Moshe by getting him an audience with none other than the Pope.
On Moshe’s first day back at work after
his Rome trip, Abe asked him, "So, Moshe, what kind of a man is the Pope?"
Moshe replied, "I would say he's a 44
regular."
go to thirtyfourth
set
Comments
NEWS FLASH
End of Marks & Spencer?
[This is a true story, honest!]
You’ve heard the joke about the Jewish
mothers who want to be buried at Brent Cross Shopping Centre – so they
can be sure that their daughters will regularly visit them. Well,
these mothers had better start thinking again about where they want to
be buried because scientists have now discovered a drug to combat the Jewish
vice of shopaholicism. The drug is called Citalopram and trialists who
took it found that their shopping impulses were reduced by at least 50%
- whether they were shopping in malls or via the internet or via
TV shopping channels. The drug is normally used to treat depression.
END OF NEWS FLASH
(#775) I understood!
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street
looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, "So they
have no more beef... And no more lamb... And they don’t even have any pork...
or chicken... or sausage. In fact they have no meat at all. Nor do they
have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour or …..."
Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak
hisses in his ear, "Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti-Soviet
propaganda or I'll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you
understood me?"
"Yes, I understood, I understood you,
comrade," replies Yitzhak and he walks away as fast as he can.
When Yitzhak arrives back at his house,
he says to his wife, "Leah, I really understood. They don't have any bullets
either!"
(#776) Dying wish
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Old Chaim is dying. His entire mishpocha
is sitting around his bed, subdued and not knowing what else they can do.
They ask him, “Chaim, maybe we can fulfil
your last wish?”
“Yes... I'd like ... a cup of tea ...
with two teaspoons ... of sugar.”
“Why?” they ask him.
“I’ve had a long life... and all of that
time... when I drank tea in my own house... I used one spoon of sugar...
When I had tea... in someone else's house... I put three spoons of sugar
in my cup... But really... really... all my life... I loved tea... with
two spoonfuls of sugar.”
(#777) Naked
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Shlomo is standing in his house near an
open window. He is obviously wearing nothing but a tie around his neck.
Jacob is walking past the house, sees
Shlomo and asks, “Why are you standing there all naked?”
“Why can't I be naked?” replies Shlomo,
“this is mine house. There is no one else here.”
“But why are you wearing a tie?” asks
Jacob.
“Well,” replies Shlomo, “what if someone
drops in to visit me?”
(#778) Business is business
[My thanks to Uriah Y for
the following joke]
Moshe was fed up with the life in Mokum
(Amsterdam's Jewish name) so he decided to resettle in a new place. He
moved to northern Brabant (an area without Jews and the heart of the Roman
Catholic part of Holland). He started a small bazaar and sold everything
and at an extremely low price. As he wanted to become one of the hevre,
he went to the local church every Sunday just to hear the sermons but without
getting geshmad/converted.
The local shop owners soon got fed up
with Moshe and decided to ask the priest for his assistance. The priest
listened to their story and asked them to return the next day.
When they returned, the priest told them
of his solution. They were then asked to contribute 100 guilders to the
roof building fund of the church.
Next Sunday, Moshe as usual was sitting
in the front of the church near the pulpit to listen to the sermon. Suddenly
in the middle of the sermon the priest looked straight at Moshe and said,
“I want all Jews to leave this church.”
Moshe wasn’t sure he heard it correctly
so he stayed seated. The priest repeated, “I want all Jews to leave this
church.”
Moshe stood up, went over to the cross,
took Jesus off and said, “Let's go. We’re not wanted here!”
(#779) Alternative Jewish Jokes
[My thanks to Deborah E
for the following joke]
All we ever hear are "Jewish" jokes and
sometimes they grow tiresome. So here are some Gentile jokes.
1. A Gentile goes into a men’s clothes
shop and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £900."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
2. Two Gentiles meet on the street. The
first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks
for asking!"
3. Two Gentile mothers meet on the street
and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My
son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):
"My son is a truck driver!"
4. A man calls his mother and says, "Mum,
I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important
has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
5. A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.
The man says, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato and my wife will
have the Julienne salad with house dressing. And we'll both have coffee."
The waiter says, "How would you like your
steak and salad prepared?"
The man says, "I'd like the steak medium.
The salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
6. A Gentile calls his elderly mother and
asks, " Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need
anything. Thanks for calling."
7. A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile
friend. The friend asks, "How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says, "He's just fine.
He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think
he'll ever get married."
The friend says, "How nice."
(#780) The new gorilla
[My thanks to Roberto H
for the following joke]
Daniel is a Jewish actor who’s so down
and out that he's ready to accept any acting part that comes along. One
day he sees an advert in the Jewish Chronicle, ACTOR NEEDED TO PLAY A GORILLA.
I could do that," says Daniel and he arranges
an interview.
The employer turns out to be the local
zoo who have spent so much renovating the grounds and improving the habitat
that they can’t afford the gorilla they need. Until they can get more funding,
they’ve decided to use an actor in a gorilla suit. Needing the money, Daniel
takes the job.
At first, he feels not only dishonest
by fooling the customers but also undignified in the ape suit, stared at
by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he
begins to be amused by all the attention and starts to put on a show for
the spectators - hanging upside-down from the branches, swinging on vines,
climbing up cage walls and roaring whilst beating his chest. Soon, Daniel
is drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Daniel is swinging on a
vine to show off to some children, his hand slips and he goes flying over
the wall into the lion's den. Terrified, Daniel backs up as far as
he can from the approaching lion, covers his eyes with his paws and starts
to pray aloud, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ado-nai Echad." (Hear O Israel,
the Lord our God, the Lord is one).
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars,
"Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed." (Blessed is the name of His
glorious kingship forever and ever).
"Shut up you two schmucks," mutters a
panda from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired."
(#781) The brave Rabbi
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom
was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard
to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped
in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, “That was
very brave of you. Are you a vet?”
Rabbi Bloom replied, “Of course I’m a
vet? I’m a freezing cold as well.”
(#782) The painless invention
The time had arrived for Moshe to take
his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer
a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial
to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe
felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since
it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually
no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they
got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
(#783) Follow me
Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs
past the synagogue one Saturday morning.
Arnold says, "Lets go in. I hear they
have really nice chopped liver at the kiddish on Shabbat."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with
the dogs."
"Just follow my lead," says Arnold and
goes into the synagogue.
As he thought, the shammas tells him,
"No dogs are allowed."
Arnold says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "Sorry, I didn’t know.
Ok, you can go in."
Abe follows.
Again the shammas says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "This is your seeing
eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Abe looks startled and says, "is that
what they gave me?"
(#784) The thoughtful son
Sidney passes by a pet shop in Oxford
Street and notices a parrot in the window selling for £1,000. He
goes inside and asks why it costs so much. The salesman tells him the parrot
speaks five languages.
"Five languages!" exclaims Sidney. "Does
it speak Yiddish?"
"Sure it does," says the salesman.
As his mother lives by herself in Golders
Green, Sidney decides to send her the parrot as a present - it'll keep
her company. So he pays the £1,000 and arranges for the shop to deliver
the parrot to his mother.
The next day he phones his mother. "Mum,
Did you like the parrot I bought you?"
"Mmm, it was delicious!" she says.
"What do you mean delicious?"
"I made soup out of it, it came out great!"
"But mum, the parrot wasn’t for eating.
It spoke five languages including Yiddish."
"So why didn't it say anything?"
(#785) The old man and the priest
Abe, an elderly gentleman, was sitting
on a bench in Brent Cross Shopping Centre when a priest sat down next to
him. Because he had never had a chance to talk to a priest before, Abe
asked, "Excuse me, but vhy do you hev your shoyt collar on beckvurds?"
The priest replied, "I wear this collar
because I am a Father."
Abe said, "I am also a fadder but I vare
mine collar frontvays. So nu, vhy do you vare your collar differently?"
The priest replied, "Because I’m the Father
for many."
"I am also the fadder for many," said
Abe. "I have five sons, three daughters and many grandchildren, kinahora,
but I still vare my collar like normal. So vhy do you vare it yore vay?"
The priest was getting a bit fed up with
this questioning and replied, "Because I am the Father for over two hundred
people."
Abe was taken aback and was silent for
a while. Then, as he got up to leave, Abe said to the priest, "Mister,
maybe you should vare your pents beckvurds instead."
(#786) The threesome
A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi are
playing a round of golf but are having to play very slowly because there
is a foursome ahead of them. At long last they complete their round and
each of them tramps back to the clubhouse to complain to the golf pro.
The pro tells the priest, "They're blind
- that’s why they were slow."
The priest replies, "That's very inspiring.
I'm so impressed that I’m going to collect some money for them by organizing
a blind golfer's tournament."
The pro then tells the minister, "They're
blind - that’s why they were slow."
The minister replies, "That's so uplifting
that I'm going to use them as my theme for next Sunday's sermon."
The pro then tells the Rabbi, "They're
blind - that’s why they were slow."
The Rabbi replies, "If that’s so, then
why can't they play in the dark?"
(#787) The clairvoyant
Rifka is 80 years old. She is sitting
at home one evening when the phone rings.
"Hello," says Rifka.
"Hello," says a man’s voice at the other
end. "I bet you'd really love it if I came round to your house, took off
your blouse, ripped off your bra and panties, then threw you to the floor
and made mad, passionate love to you."
Rifka replies, "From one 'hello' you can
tell all this?"
(#788) A new diet
Issy is on another of his weight reduction
diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a
bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left
ear.
Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very
well."
The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder -
you're not eating right."
(#789) The missing kippah
Abe asked his eldest son to say the motzi
(blessing over bread). His son realized that he didn't have his head covered,
so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished
the blessing. But after a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and
took off his hand.
Abe said, "What are you doing? Put your
hand back on your brother's head."
The younger son replied, "Am I my brother's
kippah?"
(#790) The tailor
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green
when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’.
He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob,
the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"A suit."
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the
right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go
about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and
we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image.
Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the
silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese
deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit
for a Barmitzvah."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"…You’ll have it."
(#791) The business
Maurice is a successful owner of a kosher
meat-processing factory. His dream is that Louis, his only son, who is
a bit dim-witted, will eventually take over the business.
One day Maurice shows Louis around the
slaughterhouse. "Look son," says Maurice, proudly pointing to one of the
many pieces of advanced machinery on show, "You see that machine? You put
one whole ox into the front end and out the back come some little weenies.
Great piece of British ingenuity, isn’t it?"
He then looks to Louis for some kind of
positive reaction but Louis just stares and says, "Uh, duh. . . do you
have a machine where you put in a weenie and out comes an ox?"
Surprised, Maurice replies, "There is
a machine like that - your mother."
(#792) Locked out
As we have all done at some time, Moishe
locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find
a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try
to open the lock. As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open
window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.
"Moishe, move it more to the right...now
more to the left…Higher! Lower!"
Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you
so long, Moishe?"
Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for
you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"
(#793) Hell no
Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent
‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams,
waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected
hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see
are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables,
lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to
be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated
the hell out of the place!”
(#794) Two by two
Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my
wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your
wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have
you ever heard of a second wife?"
go to thirtyfifth
set
Comments
(#795) Yet another check-up
[My
thanks to Diane Minkoff for the following joke]
Hyman recently had a full medical check
up. When he returned 3 weeks later after the exhaustive lab tests were
complete, his doctor said he was doing "fairly well" for his age.
Hyman was obviously a little concerned
about that comment and so asked his doctor "Do you think I'll live to be
80, doctor?"
He replied, "Well, do you smoke or drink
beer?"
"Oh no", Hyman replied, "I've never done
either."
Then the doctor asked, "Do you eat grilled
steaks or barbequed ribs?
Hyman replied, "No, I've heard that red
meat is very unhealthy."
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun,
like playing golf?" asked the doctor.
"No I don't," Hyman replied.
Then the doctor asked, "Do you gamble,
drive fast cars, or mess with women?"
"No," said Hyman, "I've done none of those
things."
The doctor looked at Hyman and said, "Then
why do you want to live to be 80?"
(#796) The baby on the bus
(This was voted top UK joke
in 2002)
Miriam gets on a bus with her baby. As
she goes to pay her fare, the bus driver says to her, “I’ve seen a lot
of babies in my time but that’s the ugliest one I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Miriam is shocked and very angry at this
insensitive remark. She sits down and starts to cry. The man next to her
asks her what’s the matter.
Miriam replies, “The bus driver just insulted
me.”
The man replies, “I wouldn’t let him get
away with it. You go give him a piece of your mind. Go on – I’ll hold your
monkey for you.”
(#797) The hunters
(This was voted the world’s
funniest joke in 2002)
Shlomo and Moshe are out hunting in the
woods of New Jersey when Moshe suddenly collapses. Shlomo rushes over to
him but he doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are all glazed. Shlomo
is in a panic. He takes out his phone, calls emergency services and shouts,
“Help, please help me. My friend Moshe is dead! What on earth should I
do?”
The operator tells Shlomo, “Sir, please
calm down. I can help you. First of all, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a short silence, the operator hears
a shot. Then Shlomo gets back on the phone, “OK, now what?”
(#798) Lasting impression
Moshe was one of those men who had very
few girlfriends. When, on rare occasions, he was invited to parties, not
only did people forget his name but also they did not take what he said
seriously. Even when he tried to be funny, nobody laughed at his jokes!
So naturally he was very depressed. When his counsellor suggested he should
do something positive to impress his friends and neighbours, Moshe decided
to rent a camel.
He put on his khaki shorts and pith helmet
and got on the camel. He then rode up and down Edgware looking very proud.
Everywhere he and the camel went, there was a buzz of surprise. Passers
by stared, pointed, shouted and talked about him. Moshe repeated this activity
every day for a week. But then someone stole his camel and Moshe had to
go to the police to report the theft.
“I have come to report the theft of a
camel,” said Moshe.
“A camel?” said the sergeant, “OK, let
me have some details. How tall was it?”
“Maybe 6 or 7 feet tall,” replied Moshe.
“What colour was it?”
“Light brown/grey.”
“Was it male or female?” asked the sergeant.
“Male,” replied Moshe.
“Are you sure?” asked the sergeant.
“Definitely,” replied Moshe, “every time
I rode it, I could hear passers by yelling, ‘look at that shmuck on the
camel.’”
(#799) Use of words
Avrahom was reading an article out loud
to his wife. “Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas
men only use 15,000 words?”
Sadie replies, “The reason has to be because
a woman has to say everything twice.”
Avrahom turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
(#800) The hearing aid
Abe was talking to his neighbour. "I’ve
just bought a new hearing aid, Issy. It was very expensive at £2,000
but it's state of the art and worth every penny."
"Really," says Issy, "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
(#801) The shake-up
‘The Kosher Leather Company Ltd’ felt
it was time for a shake-up and advertises for a new Managing Director.
Morris gets the job.
Morris is determined to rid the company
of all slackers. On his first tour of the factory, he sees a young man
leaning against a wall. The area is full of production workers and he thinks
this is a good time to let them all know he means business.
Morris walks up to the man and asks, "How
much money do you make a week then?"
The young man looks at Morris and replies,
"I make £240 a week. Why do you want to know?"
Morris then hands the man £240 in
twenty pound notes and shouts, "Here's a week's pay. Get out of here and
don't let me see you here again."
Feeling pretty good about his first dismissal,
Morris looks around and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that idiot
did here?"
With a smile on his face, one of the workers
replied, "He’s a pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
(#802) Wife problems
Bernard goes to see his Rabbi. "Something
terrible is happening to me, Rabbi. I must talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asks, "So what's wrong, Bernard?"
Bernard replies, "I’m sure that my wife
Sarah is poisoning me."
The Rabbi is surprised by this and says
to Bernard, "I'm sure you can’t be right."
But Bernard pleads, "I'm telling you,
Rabbi, I'm certain Sarah’s poisoning me and I don’t know what to do."
The Rabbi shrugs his shoulders and says,
"OK, if I can talk to Sarah, I might be able to find out what’s happening.
I can then let you know what I’ve discovered."
Bernard says, "Thank you Rabbi. What would
I have done without you?"
A week later, the Rabbi calls Bernard
and says, "Well, I contacted Sarah – in fact I spoke to her on the phone
for over three hours. Do you want my advice now?"
Bernard replies, "Yes, please, Rabbi."
"I think you should take the poison!"
(#803) The Jewish dog
Hymie walks into his synagogue with a
dog. The shammas immediately comes up to him and says, "This is a House
of Worship, Hymie, you know you can't bring a dog in here."
"What do you mean I can’t?" says Hymie,
"Look at him, he’s a Jewish dog."
The shammas then notices that the dog
has a tallis bag round its neck.
Hyme then says to the dog, "Benjamin,
daven for me."
The dog stands on his back legs and says,
"Woof woof, woof," then opens the tallis bag, takes out a kippa and puts
it on his head, exactly in between its ears.
"Woof, woof," says the dog who then pulls
out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
"Woof, woof, woof," says the dog who then
takes out a siddur and starts to pray, rocking from side to side.
"That's brilliant," says the shammas,
"totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could
make millions.”
"You speak to him then," says Hymie, "he
wants to be a doctor."
(#804) Hebrew Class
Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and
was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He
was especially intent when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later that day, Benjy’s mother noticed
him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, "Benjy, darling,
what’s the matter with you?"
Benjy replied, "I have a pain in my side,
mummy. I think I'm going to have a wife."
(#805) Kvell
NB ‘Kvell’ (verb) to gush with pride –
‘I kvelled over my son's accomplishments.’
Sadie is out shopping in Brent Cross shopping
centre when she bumps into Becky, an old friend of hers. Becky is looking
after her two grandchildren whilst their mother does some shopping on her
own.
Sadie says, "Oh Becky, what beautiful
children, how old are they?"
"Well," Becky kvelled, "the lawyer is
6 months and the doctor is 2 years."
(#806) The synagogue course
Edgware Road synagogue wanted to help
their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided
to offer a course in Time Management. Soon after the course was announced,
a member telephoned the Rabbi.
“What time does the course start, Rabbi?”
The Rabbi replied, “Oh... fivish, sixish....”
(#807) The decorator
One day, as soon as she woke up, Hannah
decided that she was sick and tired of all her husband Arnold’s blonde
jokes and how he thought that all blondes were stupid. To show Arnold how
wrong he was and to prove to him that blondes really were smart, Hannah
decided to decorate two rooms while he was at work.
When Arnold returned home that evening,
he immediately smelled the distinctive aroma of wet paint. He went into
the dining room and there he found Hannah lying on the floor in a pool
of sweat. He couldn’t help but notice that she was wearing her fur coat
on top of her ski jacket.
He went over to her and asked, “Are you
OK, darling?”
She replied, “Yes, of course I am.”
“So what on earth are you doing dressed
like that?” he said.
“Darling,” she said, “I wanted to prove
to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting
some rooms in our house.”
“But why are you wearing your fur coat
over your ski jacket?” he asked.
“I was reading the directions on the paint
can, “she replied, “and it said....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.”
(#808) Quickies -1
A Barmitzvah is defined as the day when
a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional
sports team than he is to play for one.
Q. How does a Jewish wife cheat on
her husband?
A. She has a headache with the postman.
Q: What business is a yenta in?
A: Yours.
Divorced? Instead of getting married again,
why not find a woman you don't like and just give her a house.
My wife must be a sex object because every
time I ask for sex, she objects.
There are a number of mechanical devices
that increase sexual arousal in women. Foremost amongst these is the Mercedes
Benz 500S convertible.
(#809) Quickies - 2
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love
her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect
marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about
all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the
way his mother cooked.
(#810) A fair result
"Mr Issy Levy," says the divorce court
judge, "I have reviewed this case very carefully indeed, and as a result
of the facts, I've decided to award your wife Rifka £350 a week."
"That's very fair of you, your honour,"
says Issy, "and every now and then, I'll try to send her some money too."
(#811) I’m better now
Benjamin was talking to his friend Isaac.
“Do you know, Isaac, that I married my Hetty for her looks, but not the
ones she's been giving me lately! Ever since we got married, she has tried
to change me. She got me to exercise daily, improve my diet, and to stop
smoking. She taught me how to dress well and enjoy the fine arts. She introduced
me to gourmet cooking, classical music and she taught me how to invest
in the stock market. But between you and me, Isaac, I am now thinking of
divorcing her. I'm already such a better person that she just isn't good
enough for me any more.
(#812) Conversation on a train
Sadie sits down next to an attractive
man on the train and says, "You look just like my fourth husband".
The man replies, "Your fourth husband?
So how many times have you been married, lady?"
"Three," replies Sadie.
(#813) The mobile phone
Several men are in the locker room of
a golf club when a mobile phone on a bench starts to ring. Sidney picks
it up, engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
"Hello," says Sidney.
"Honey, it's me," says a woman, "are you
at the club?"
"Yes," replies Sidney.
"Well I'm at the shopping centre," she
says, "and I’ve found a beautiful leather coat. It's £450. Can I
buy it?"
"OK, " says Sidney, "go ahead and buy
it if you like it that much."
"Thanks," she replies. "I also stopped
by the Mercedes dealership and had a close look at the 2003 models. I saw
one that I really liked."
"How much was it?" asks Sidney.
"£37,000," she replied.
"For that price," says Sidney, "I want
it with all the options."
"Great," she says. "Just one more thing.
That house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking
£750,000 for it now."
Sidney says, "Well then, go ahead and
buy it, but don’t offer more than £720,000."
"OK," she says, "I'll see you later. I
love you."
"Bye, I love you too." says Sidney and
then hangs up.
The other men in the locker room who heard
all of this conversation are looking at Sidney in astonishment.
Then Sidney shouts out aloud, "Does anyone
know who this mobile phone belongs to?"
(#814) Visit to the doctor
Sadie is in a bad way and goes to see
her doctor. “Doctor Myers, what’s wrong with me? Just look at the state
of my face. When I woke up this morning, I glanced in the mirror and nearly
fainted at what I saw. My hair has gone grey and wiry and is starting to
fall out, my lovely skin has become pasty looking and horribly wrinkled
and both my eyes are bloodshot and bulging from their sockets. I look like
someone who has just died. What on earth is wrong with me?”
Doctor Myers gives Sadie a quick examination,
looks her in the eyes and says to her, “Well, I can say one thing I’ve
discovered, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight!”
go to thirtysixth
set
Comments
(#815) Tell me the truth
Benny had been wondering for some time
why Sam, one of his five sons, was so different to his other children.
So he plucks up courage and asks his wife, “Tell me the truth, Sarah. Who
really is Sam’s father?”
Sarah replies, “You are.”
(#816) Three quickies
There are two theories on how to successfully
argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
Moishe says to his friend, “My Sadie and
I, we are always holding hands.”
“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.
“Because if I let go, she shops.”
Issy was talking to his analyst, “I grew
up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture,
my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father.”
(#817) Reality
Sidney says to his friend, “We were so
poor when I was young that I had to sleep in the same bed as my three brothers.
We slept four-to-a-bed for many years. I didn’t know what it was like to
sleep alone until I grew up and married Sadie.”
(#818) The taxi driver
Hannah is taking her young daughter Judith
shopping. While Hannah is getting them a taxi, Judith notices a group of
scantily dressed, overly made-up women on the street corner. As they get
in the taxi, Judith asks, “Mummy, what are all those women doing over there?”
Hannah replies, “They’re waiting for their
husbands to return from work, darling.”
When the taxi driver hears this, he turns
to Hannah and says, “Now come on, lady, don’t lie to your daughter, why
don’t you tell her the truth? Educate her, for god’s sake.”
Without asking permission, he then turns
to Judith and says, “They’re hookers, that’s who they are.”
Judith then says, “Mummy, do these ladies
have any children?”
Hannah replies, “Of course they do, darling,
where do you think taxi drivers come from?”
(#819) Letter to a synagogue secretary
Dear Sir,
We have a proposition to make. A recent
survey - ‘What makes the perfect Rabbi?’ showed that: -
the perfect Rabbi’s sermons last exactly fifteen
minutes
the perfect Rabbi condemns sin but at same
time never upsets anyone
the perfect Rabbi works from 8am until midnight
and is also synagogue handyman
the perfect Rabbi makes £250pw, wears
good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car and gives about £250pw
to the poor and needy
the perfect Rabbi has a burning desire to
work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens
the perfect Rabbi smiles all the time but
with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously
dedicated to his work
the perfect Rabbi makes 15 calls daily to
congregation families and the hospitalised, and is always in his office
when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up to the above,
simply send this letter to 6 other synagogues that are also tired of their
Rabbi. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top
of your list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them
will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the
chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Yours faithfully
(#820) The rescue attempt
Jacob is a very religious man. One day,
a nearby river floods its banks and rushes into town, forcing Jacob to
climb onto his garage roof. Soon, a man in a boat comes along and tells
Jacob to get in.
Jacob says, "That’s very kind of you,
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
So, the boat leaves.
The water rises and Jacob has to climb
onto the roof of his house. Another man in a boat comes along and tells
Jacob to get in.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The boat leaves.
The water rises further and soon Jacob
is clinging to his chimney. Then a helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder.
The helicopter pilot tells Jacob to climb up the ladder.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The pilot says, "Are you really sure?"
Jacob says, "Yes, I'm sure that God will
take care of me."
Finally, the water rises too high and
Jacob drowns. He goes up to Heaven and is met by God.
Jacob says to God, "You told me you would
take care of me. What happened?"
God replies, "Well, I sent you two boats
and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?"
(#821) The sermon
One Shabbos, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation,
"Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you
understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28
before next week."
The following Shabbos, at the start of
his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read
Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus
has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
(#822) Sir Benjy takes a holiday
Benjy had done very well in business.
He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours.
One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he
decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He
asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.
Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and
asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy
and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are
very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire
hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn’t hesitate. “Yes, I can
move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private
beach?”
“Yes.”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy
always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager.
“There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid
on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy
prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect
next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will
get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.”
The following week, there was Benjy and
Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel.
Benjy looked all around him and said, “Sadie, just look how beautiful everything
is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand
is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud
in sight. Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”
(#823) What an act
Lionel was a ventriloquist, and not a
good one at that. In fact business was so bad that he was trying his luck
as a medium. One day, a widow came into his office and said that she wanted
to contact her dear departed husband and asked Lionel what he charged.
“If you only want to hear him speak,”
said Lionel, “I charge £30. If you want to have a conversation with
him, I charge £50. But I charge £70 if you want a conversation
with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.”
(#824) The wedding present
On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law
Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for
your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business.
All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start
work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I
can’t even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo,
“for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. OK, what about joining
the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea.
How about you buying me out?”
(#825) Investment advice
Moshe was 88 years old and went to see
his financial advisor.
“So what do you think is an appropriate
investment for me?” asked Moshe.
“Well,” replied the advisor, “I have found
a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years.”
“Are you meshugge,” said Moshe, “a five
year investment? Why, at my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
(#826) Speeding?
A police officer pulls Isaac over for
speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver’s
license please?
Isaac: I don't now have one. I had it
confiscated for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for
this vehicle?
Isaac: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Isaac: Yes - but come to think of it,
I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun
in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Isaac: Yes. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Isaac: Yes.
Hearing all of this, the officer immediately
calls for back up. Soon, Isaac’s car is surrounded by police and to handle
the tense situation, a police inspector approaches Isaac.
Inspector: Sir, can I see your
license?
Isaac: Sure. Here it is. [It was valid].
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Isaac: It's mine, inspector. Here's the
registration papers to prove it. [Also valid].
Inspector: Could you open your glove box
so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Isaac: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it. [Sure enough, there wasn’t].
Inspector: Would you mind opening your
boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Isaac: No problem. [Boot is opened - no
body].
Inspector: I don't understand it. The
officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in
the boot.
Isaac: Really? I'll bet the lying son
of a bitch told you I was speeding as well.
(#827) How rich is rich?
The story is told that Lord Rothschild
and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation,
they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they
took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both
fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display.
But there was only one of these cars in the showroom.
The sales manager heard what was going
on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen.
If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other
branch here within 45 minutes.”
“OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In
the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.”
When they returned to the showroom, there
stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir
Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild
waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are
on me – you paid for the coffees.”
(#828) Results count
A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to
enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather
jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to
know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi
driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and
says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright
and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for
forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to
the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom
of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb,
"that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and
golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says
Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people
prayed."
(#829) Ten holiday differences explained
1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same
day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day
off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli
dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev,
whenever that falls. No one is ever sure - until that is, a Christian friend
asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have
the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah
is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays
– ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let's eat already’.
3. There is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah,
Hanukah, Hannukah.
4. Christmas is a time of pressure for
husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish
men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a
diamond ring on Chanukah.
5. Christians get wonderful presents such
as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents
such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas.
6. Christmas end up in high electricity
bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such
high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent
Night, Come O Ye Faithful). Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels
and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and
sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.
8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell
great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive
mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes
and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time.
9. Women have great fun baking Christmas
cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes
and onions making latkes on Chanukah - a reminder of our suffering through
the ages.
10. Many Christians believe in the virgin
birth. Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman
is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here,
take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."
(#830) Some forms of Judaism
Cardiac Judaism “In my heart I am
a Jew.”
Gastronomic Judaism “We eat Jewish foods.”
Chequebook Judaism “I give to Jewish causes.”
Drop-off Judaism “I drop the kids
off at Sunday Hebrew classes.”
Twice a year Judaism “I attend services
on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.”
(#831) Have I got someone for you
A shadchen (matchmaker) goes over to a
yeshiva buchur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you."
"Not interested," replies the buchur.
"She's very beautiful," says the shadchen.
"Really?" says the buchur.
"Yes, and she's rich too."
"Really?"
"And she has great yiches (ancestry).
She’s from a very fine family."
"Sounds great," says the buchur, "but
why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
"Well, you can't have everything," replies
the shadchen.
(#832) Gambling Rabbi
A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played
cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they
lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their
game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff's story, the
judge asked the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered,
"Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then replied aloud, "No, your honour, I was
not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge
then asked the minister.
The minister replied, "No, your honour,
I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge
asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied
"With whom?"
(#833) The accident
Eighty-four year old Morris is hit by
a car and lies bleeding on the pavement. A policeman arrives on the scene
and seeing the state Morris is in, immediately calls for a priest and an
ambulance. The priest arrives first. He bends over Morris and asks, "Do
you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifts his head, opens his eyes
wide, turns to the crowd that had gathered around him, and says, "Here
I am, laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles!"
(#834) The hearing test
Sam was convinced that his wife Betty
was getting deaf. She refused to go to an audiologist, so he asked his
doctor what could be done.
"Why don’t you test Betty without her
knowledge. Start at the door of the room. Tell Betty something in a normal
tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, keep moving nearer, still using
a normal tone of voice. That should tell you just how deaf Betty is."
"Thank you doctor."
Soon after, Sam saw his chance. He noticed
Betty doing the dishes.
He said, "I love you darling."
No response.
He moved a few steps into the room and
repeated, "I love you darling."
Still no response.
He moved closer, until he could almost
touch her and said, "I love you darling."
With this, Betty turned around and said,
"For the third time, I love you too."
go to thirtyseventh
set
Comments
*** STOP PRESS ***
It’s true. Research by Barclaycard has
shown that women have just 72 minutes of shopping with their man before
he starts to loose interest in the exercise. Women will happily
spend 100 minutes roaming around from shop to shop until something catches
their eye. Men, however, treat shopping as a project. They do not look
around to compare prices - they know what they want AND they know where
to get it.
So, for you Moshes and Sadies out there,
it’s a good idea to get your joint shopping expedition finished within
72 minutes of arriving at the shopping centre. Then, to avoid any flaming
rows, please go your own separate ways. That way you’ll stay married longer!
REMEMBER --- 72 minutes and not a minute longer!
*** END OF STOP PRESS ***
(#835) The cruise liner
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
To avoid a catastrophe during a raging
storm, the captain of the Kosher Yenta, the largest and most expensive
cruise ship ever launched, decided to dock at a small port on a Caribbean
island. But it was too far down to the dock below for the ship’s standard
gangplank to reach, so passengers who wanted to leave the ship were asked
to use a makeshift narrow piece of wood as a passageway down to the dock.
All of a sudden Sadie, aged 70, appeared
at the top of the plank. The captain just stood there motionless, wondering
whether she would make it down safely as there was no room for anyone to
assist her. But to his great relief, Sadie edged along very slowly and
eventually made it down to the dock. However, as soon as she got down,
Sadie looked back up to the top of the plank and shouted, "It's OK mummy,
you can come down now."
(#836) The interview
Harry went for a job interview. It seemed
to go well because before he left, he was told, "We would like you to work
for us. We’ll give you £10 an hour starting today and in three months
time we’ll increase it to £15 an hour. So when would you like to
start?"
Harry replies, "In about 3 months from
now."
(#837) Check-up questions
At Hyman’s recent medical check up, his
doctor asked him a few questions. Here’s how Hyman answered these questions:
-
Q. How do you feel? A. How should I feel?
Q. What hurts you? A. What doesn't hurt
me?
Q. When do you feel bad? A. When don't
I feel bad?
Q. When did it start? A. When will it
end, better?
(#838) Reason for divorce
Hymie is telling his friends about his
recent divorce. "Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons.
She worshipped money and I didn't have any."
(#839) The birthday present
Avrahom walks into John Lewis department
store and goes straight to the perfumery department. He says to an
assistant, "Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy
her a nice bottle of French perfume.
The assistant says, "That will be a nice
surprise for her."
Avrahom replies, "It sure will – she’s
expecting a diamond necklace."
(#840) Business failure
Benny was talking to his best friend Harry.
“You know Harry, I can’t understand why you failed in business. You had
such good ideas.”
“Too much advertising was the main reason
for my failure,” replied Harry.
“But I can’t remember you spending a penny
on advertising all your life,” said Benny.
“You’re correct there,“ said Harry, “but
all my competitors did.”
(#841) The dry cleaners
Yitzhak needed his tallis cleaned. Rosh
Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur. So he called his
friend Lionel to ask which dry cleaner to use.
Lionel said, "I always take my tallis
to Moishe’s Dry Cleaners on Golders Green High Road. He only charges £4."
But when Yitzhak went to Moishe’s, he
discovered that the shop had changed ownership and was now called Kelly’s
Dry Cleaners. He asked the new owner, Sean, if he was keeping to the previous
price list. Sean assured him that he was. Three days later, Yitzhak picked
up his tallis and was given a bill for £12.
He was naturally angry and said to Sean,
"I thought you said you met Moishe's prices?"
"I do," said Sean, "£4 for the prayer
shawl and £8 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"
(#842) Dishonour
Two Japanese businessmen are taking their
afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha House.
The first businessman says, "Hirokosan,
I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you."
Hirokosan can't believe what he hears,
and asks for more information.
"Your wife is dishonouring you and she’s
doing it with a foreigner of the Jewish faith."
Shocked, Hirokosan goes home and confronts
his wife. "I’m told that you’re dishonouring me with a foreigner
of the Jewish faith."
She replied, "That’s a lie. Where
did you hear such mishegoss?"
(#843) True prayers?
One night, Nathan overhears his son Benny
saying his prayers. "God bless mummy and daddy and grandma. Goodbye, grandpa."
Nathan thinks this a bit strange. The
next day, the grandfather dies.
About a month or two later, Nathan hears
Benny saying his prayers. Once again, "God bless mummy. God bless daddy.
Goodbye, grandma."
The next day the grandmother dies. Nathan
gets more than a little worried about the whole situation.
Two weeks later, Nathan once again overhears
Benny’s prayers. "God bless mummy. Goodbye, daddy."
This nearly gives Nathan a heart attack.
He doesn't say anything, but gets up early next morning to go to work to
avoid the traffic. He stays out all through lunch and dinner and finally,
after midnight, leaves his office. He's still alive!
When he gets home, he apologizes to his
wife, Sarah. "I’m sorry, darling. I had a very bad day at the office."
"You think you had a bad day?" Sarah says,
"The postman dropped dead on our doorstep this morning."
(#844) My present
As little Rivkah climbed onto Santa's
lap, Santa asked the usual question, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
Rivkah stared at him, open mouthed and
horrified, then gasped, "Didn't you get my email?"
(#845) Out of tune
Moshe and Sadie were getting all snuggled
up in bed one night and passions were heating up nicely. Suddenly, Sadie
stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
Moshe says, "What?"
Sadie says, "You’re obviously not in tune
with my emotional needs as a woman."
Moshe quickly realizes that nothing is
going to happen that night.
The next day, Moshe takes Sadie to John
Lewis department store. He escorts her into Ladies Fashions and makes her
try on three expensive outfits. He then tells her, "Why don’t we take all
three of them?"
He then makes her choose matching shoes
for each outfit at £200 a pair. Then they go into Jewellery
and he helps her choose some diamond earrings. Sadie is so excited.
She thinks Moshe has flipped out, but she doesn’t care. So she also chooses
a lovely alligator bag.
Moshe says, "but you don't even like alligators!
OK, if you like it, then let's get it."
Sadie is jumping up and down with excitement.
She can’t believe what is going on. She says, "I’m ready, Moshe, lets go
and pay for all this stuff."
But Moshe says," No, darling, we're not
going to buy all this stuff."
Sadie’s face drops.
"No darling, I just want you to hold all
of this for a while."
Sadie’s face gets red and she is about
to explode but then Moshe says, "You’re obviously not in tune with my financial
needs as a man".
(#846) His ashes
Melvyn goes to his girlfriend’s house
for the first time. Sharon shows him into the living room and then excuses
herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing
there alone, he notices a colourful little vase on the mantelpiece and
picks it up. As he's looking at it, Sharon walks back in.
Melvyn says, "What's this?"
Sharon says, "Oh, my father's ashes are
in there."
Melvyn is suddenly lost for words. He
says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
Sharon then says, "Yes, he's too lazy
to get up off the couch and go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
(#847) What charge?
It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in
a merry mood as he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied
the defendant.
"But that's not an offence," said Judge
Levy.
"It is if you do it before the shop opens,"
said the defendant.
(#848) Money, money
Maurice and Sadie were having a heated
discussion on family finances. Finally Maurice exploded, "If it weren't
for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Sadie replied, "Darling, if it weren't
for your money, I wouldn't be here."
(#849) Business is business
One morning, the teacher asks her class,
“All those who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand.”
Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin,
so the teacher asks, “Why don’t you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?”
“Because,” he replies, “I heard my father
tell my mother, ‘Business has gone to hell’ and I want to go where the
business went.”
(#850) Bread problems
Did you see the recent story in the Jewish
Chronicle about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a north London warehouse?
Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbos and it forced many
local bakeries to bake their challas with plain, white flour. A leading
rabbi was quoted as saying, "I’m appalled by the rise in white challa crimes."
(#851) Cultivate
Jacob from Russia had just completed a
training course titled, ‘Improve your English’ and was taking an oral exam.
The examiner asked him to spell "cultivate."
Jacob spelled it correctly.
Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the
word ‘cultivate’ in a sentence.
Jacob thought about it for a while, then
replied, "Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but
it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home."
(#852) Who are you helping?
Cyril was 80 years old and was visiting
his psychiatrist. "Doctor, I’m suffering from a lot of anxiety. What's
going to happen to me? I'm very worried about my future."
"Cyril," said the doctor, "don’t worry,
I can help you. All you need do is come and see me twice a week for the
next 3 months. My charges will be £100 a visit and you’ll need to
pay in advance, of course."
"Okay doctor," said Cyril, "now that your
future is assured, what about mine?"
(#853) The helpful waiter
Rachel had not seen her Israeli relatives
for years, so she was very excited when her Aunt Leah and Uncle Yitzhak
came to visit her in London. To celebrate their visit, Rachel took them
to an old-fashioned Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
"I'll have the kreplach," Rachel told
the waiter.
"The kreplach is from last night," explained
the waiter. "Better you should order something made fresh today. How about
stuffed peppers?"
"OK, let it be stuffed peppers."
The waiter turns to Aunt Leah.
"And you?"
"Bring please the pot roast."
"Look, lady, the pot roast is strictly
for goyim. If you want something special, try the flanken."
"All right then, so bring the flanken."
Uncle Yitzhak studied the menu carefully
then said to the waiter, "I can't make up my mind. What do you suggest?"
"Suggest!" cried the waiter. "On a busy
night like this who has time for suggestions?"
(#854) The call-up
Rabbi Bloom ran a Talmud class at Yeshiva.
He was always so involved in the text being studied that he never looked
up from his books. Often, when he called up a student for translation and
explanation, without realizing it, he chose the same student day after
day. But out of respect, the students wouldn't point this out to him.
Hymie had already been called up on three
consecutive days when the Rabbi once again said "Hymie Himmelfarb, come
up here and translate and explain."
Hymie replied, "Himmelfarb is absent today,
Rabbi."
"OK," said the Rabbi, "why don’t you come
up here and translate and explain instead."
go to thirtyeighth
set
Comments
****STOP PRESS*****
Here is a good singles advert which, it
is said, appeared in The Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship,
ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping
and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing
only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and
ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking
to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so gullible.
PS Do you know that the word ‘gullible’
doesn’t appear in every English dictionary? Do you have one of the
rare dictionaries that include this word?
****END OF STOP PRESS*****
(#855) The cats away
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Moshe was recovering in hospital from
prostate surgery. To make matters worse, his surgeon had told him that
it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active again. Peter visited
him to wish him well. Robert visited him to wish him a speedy recovery.
His partner Abe visited his wife.
(#856) Who needs friends?
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Rabbi Bloom was having trouble getting
a minyan together. Several families with strong anti-war views had recently
left his synagogue and taken up the Quaker faith.
"It can't be helped," Rabbi Bloom lamented.
"It seems some of my best Jews are Friends."
(#857) The Queen’s English
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Abe ran a thriving business and was very
wealthy. Many of his customers were gentiles and he was therefore proud
of his success. But he was worried about his teenage son, Issy, the heir
to his business. Issy often used Yiddish words and phrases, some of them
vulgar, in front of customers and greatly upset them. For weeks Abe struggled
with his problem. He was a widower and knew of no classy woman he felt
could help. At last, the answer came to him. It was the perfect solution.
Abe went to see Father Brown, the local
Catholic priest and a highly educated cleric whose command of English was
flawless. As the church was having financial problems, Abe offered Father
Brown £25,000 if the priest would agree to take Issy under his wing
for a week and teach the boy to speak English the way he did. So, protesting
loudly every step of the way, Issy went to board with the eloquent priest.
A day passed, then two, but Abe heard
nothing. Finally, on the third day, he couldn’t stand the suspense
and he called the church. Father Brown answered the phone himself. Hoping
for a miracle, but far from convinced, Abe asked how Issy was getting on.
"Oy," replied the priest, "let me tell
you, the first few days with Issy were hell. He called me 'meshuggeh,'
he said my cassock was an ugly 'shmatta', and he never stopped complaining
about my 'kvetching.'"
Father Brown sighed audibly. "Nu, but
don't despair, Mr Goldberg. I haven't given up. And after all, won't any
improvement be better than 'bupkes'?"
(#858) The fly and the raisin
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
A man stormed into Moishe's Bakery and
confronted Moishe.
"Do you know what happened to me?" he
demanded. "I found a fly in the raisin bread I bought from you yesterday."
Moishe gave a palms-up shrug and replied,
"Nu, so you'll bring me the fly and I'll give you a raisin."
(#859) Shush
[My thanks to Ian Macausland-berg
for the following joke]
Rabbi Landau was, as usual, standing near
the synagogue exit shaking hands as his congregation left. But as Max was
leaving, Rabbi Landau grabbed his hand, pulled him aside and said, "Max,
I think you need to join the Army of God!"
"But I'm already in God’s Army, Rabbi,"
said Max.
"So how come I don't see in shul except
on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?" said Rabbi Landau.
Max whispered, "I'm in the secret service."
(#860) The prisoner
[My thanks to David Levin
for the following joke]
Solly is serving time in Wandsworth prison
for a securities fraud. Even so, he is still loved by his father Maurice.
One day, Maurice writes Solly a letter: -
“My darling Solly,
It looks like I won't be able to plant
anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging
without your help. Looking forward to your early release.
Love from your Dad”
Solly replies: -
“Dearest Dad
Please don't dig up the garden - that's
where I hid the money and the securities. Be patient. Wait until I get
out.
Love as always Solly”
At 4am in the morning, the police show up
at Maurice’s house and dig up the entire garden. Two days later,
Maurice receives another letter from Solly: -
“Dearest Dad,
Now the garden has been dug over, you
can start to plant your garden. It’s the best I could do from here.
Your devoted son Solly”
(#861) They found out
Avrahom has done very well in business
and is now very rich. One day, to show off his new Bentley Continental
car, he tells his driver to take him to the exclusive ‘Neasden Golf Club’.
But when they get there, a sign over the door clearly states that Jews
are not permitted access.
Undeterred, Avrahom says to his driver,
"Wait here for me."
His driver replies, "But sir, the sign
– they’ll kick you out immediately."
"But I don't have to tell them I’m Jewish,"
says Avrahom, as he walks to the gate.
So his driver waits. One hour goes by,
then two and soon three. Then, after three and a half hours, Avrahom is
thrown out by two tough looking security guards.
His driver asks, "So what happened, sir?"
"Everything was OK until we got to the
eighth hole," replies Avrahom. "I sliced my drive and the ball dropped
into the lake. I shouted out, 'Oh, my God, what shall I do now?' and then
the waters separated …….and everybody knew."
(#862) Identity crisis
Isaac was sitting at a table in his favourite
restaurant when he called over his waiter.
"Yes?" asked the busy waiter.
"Are you sure you're the waiter I ordered
from?" asked Isaac.
"Why do you ask?" replied the waiter.
"Because I was expecting a much older
man by now," replied Isaac.
(#863) Enigma
If Mona Lisa's mother were Jewish, she'd
have said, "Mona, bubeleh, after all the money your father and I spent
on your brace, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
(#864) Old Jewish proverb
"A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,
but she'll never forget what she forgave."
(#865) My son the surgeon
Abe was 75 years old and had a medical
problem that needed complicated surgery. Because his son Jacob was a renowned
surgeon, Abe insisted that Jacob perform the operation. On the day of his
operation, as he lay on the operating table waiting for the anaesthetic,
Abe asked to speak to his son.
"Yes dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, Jacob, do your best
and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if God forbid something should
happen to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
(#866) What’s the time?
Benjy was showing off again. He says to
Shlomo, "I’ve just bought the best hearing aid money can buy. It cost me
£3,000, but it’s state of the art so it’s worth every penny."
"What kind is it?" asks Shlomo.
"A quarter to twelve," replied Benjy.
(#867) The visitors
Peter and Patrick are visiting Stamford
Hill for the first time when they come across two Jewish men wearing long
black coats, wide brimmed hats, with long beards and payess (ear locks).
Patrick turns to Peter, who is an educated gentleman, and says, "What are
they?"
Peter replies, "Hassidim."
Patrick responds, "I see them, too, but
what are they?"
(#868) Jewish wish of friendship
May you be granted every wish; and always
have gefilte fish.
May you stay safe from winds and hails;
and always shop at Bloomingdale's.
May you always understand every detail;
and never have to pay retail.
May you regard every man as your brother;
and always remember to call your mother.
(#869) Isn’t faith wonderful
One sunny Sabbath afternoon in Golders
Green, Shlomo and Issy, two old friends, meet for the first time in years.
After exchanging the usual amenities, they sit down on a bench to talk.
Shlomo says, "Issy, people are telling
me you don’t go to shul any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe
in God?"
Issy looks uncomfortable and hurriedly
changes the subject.
The next afternoon, they meet on the bench
again.
"You must tell me, Issy, " Shlomo says,
"Don’t you believe in our God anymore?"
Issy replies, "Here is a straight answer
to a straight question. No, I don’t."
Shlomo asks, "Why didn’t you tell me that
yesterday?"
Issy, deeply shocked, exclaims, "God forbid
- on Sabbath?"
(#870) Personal help
One day, Sadie visits a golf driving range
to practice before an important game. As she is about to drive her first
ball, she notices the man next to her.
"Excuse me," she says, "You’re facing
the wrong direction."
"Oy Vay. Tenks for dat. Vitout you, I
vouldn't have known. I'm blind, you know."
He then turns around and starts hitting
out into the range.
A few minutes later, he says to Sadie,
"How am I doing?"
"Not bad," she replies, "most of your
shots were straight and long, but you sliced a few."
"Tenks again," he replies, "Vitout you
telling me, I vouldn't know dees tings."
A few shots later, he asks, "Do you mind
I should ask a poissonal qvestion?"
"No," Sadie replies, "fire away."
"I don't seem to do vell vit de ladies.
Am I ugly or fett?"
"You're quite presentable," says Sadie,
smiling, "that shouldn’t be a problem."
Smiling, he says, "Vat a relief. I vas
always afraid to ask that qvestion."
As he was about to hit another ball, Sadie
interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks.
"Vit gladness. I vill tek all de help
you hev got," he replies.
"Lose the Jewish accent, " Sadie says,
"you're Chinese."
(#871) One for the women
When Sarah sees an advert in the Jewish
Chronicle,
REBECCA AND CO LTD, HIGH QUALITY DECORATORS
AND GARDENERS
she contacts Rebecca for a quote to repaint
the interior of her house.
Rebecca arrives and Sarah walks her through
her home explaining what colours she wants for each room.
In the first room, Sarah says, "I would
like this room painted in cream."
Rebecca writes it down, walks to the window,
opens it and yells out, "Green side up." She closes the window and follows
Sarah to the second room.
Sarah is confused, but continues, "I would
like an off blue colour for this room."
Again, Rebecca writes it down, opens the
window and yells out, " Green side up."
This baffles Sarah, but she is hesitant
to say anything.
In the third room, Sarah says, "I would
like this room painted a rose colour.
And once more, Rebecca opens the window
and yells, " Green side up."
Sarah musters up courage and asks, "Why
do you keep shouting 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you
the colour I would like the room?"
Rebecca replies, "Because I have a team
of Jewish men laying new turf across the road."
(#872) The arrival
As the plane settled down at Ben Gurion
airport, the voice of the Captain came over the tannoy.
"Please remain seated with your seatbelt
fastened until this plane is at a complete standstill and the seat belt
signs have been turned off. To those of you standing in the aisles, we
wish you a Happy Chanukah. To those who have remained in their seats, we
wish you a Merry Christmas."
(#873) I'm a senior citizen
I’m the life and soul of the party - even
if it lasts until 8 pm.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps -
with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home - before
I get to where I was going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows
me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time - because I can't
hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories - over and
over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren
are not as cute as mine are.
I'm not grouchy - I just don't like traffic,
queuing, crowds, loud music, unruly kids, barking dogs, and a few other
things I can't remember.
I'm sure that everything I can't find is in
a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy - and that's just
my right leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words
like . . .like…
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I’m having
the time of my life. If I could remember who sent this to me, I would send
it to others. Have I already sent this to you?
(#874) Mixed up
Hyman is 25 and leads the most over-examined
life you can imagine. Each day, he spends his time thinking about those
he met that day, worrying about everything said to him, wondering about
every look, gesture and expression made, and hoping he came across OK.
Even when he goes to bed, he has to write at least two pages in his diary
about his conclusions and how he will improve his actions the following
day to make people like him more.
One day, Hyman goes to Max, one of his
few friends, in a very agitated state. “What’s wrong?” asks Max.
“Well,” replied Hyman, “my father and
I never had much of a relationship whilst I was growing up. He’s always
ignored me and he’s never encouraged me to succeed. I’ve been trying to
get him to talk to me for some time now, but without success. Then last
night, out of the blue, he rings me and invites me out to dinner. I was
gob smacked. I tried to work out - why now, why dinner, why ….”
“But did you go?” said Max.
“Yes, but during dinner, I said the wrong
thing. It was just a slip of the tongue really and I didn’t mean it the
way it sounded.”
“Well, so what did you say?” asked Max.
Hyman replies, “I meant to say, ‘please
pass the salt’, but it came out as, ‘you miserable old sod, you’ve ruined
my life’.”
go to thirtynineth
set
Comments
(#875) The bar mitzvah safari
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do
his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his
son Isaac’s bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying
many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate
– a safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed
arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate
all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers.
He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
“I want my entourage to be able to hear
jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of
course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service;
and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing
on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”
The guests were ecstatic when they received
details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure,
they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting
for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading
the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the
rain forest. But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of
elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now
be a delay of 2 hours.”
Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?”
he asked his guide.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide,
“there’s another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
(#876) Benny the psychiatrist - 1
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was coming
home from work on the underground when he saw an elderly gentleman talking
to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up
his hand, stop talking then start all over again. Benny had
to find out more.
“Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but is there anything I can do to help?”
“Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I
tell myself jokes when I’m travelling.”
“But why do you keep raising your hand?”
asked Benny.
“Oh, that’s to stop me telling a joke
I’ve heard before.”
(#877) Benny the psychiatrist - 2
Benny the psychiatrist got a postcard
one morning from one of his patients. It read, “Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were here so you could tell me why.”
(#878) The salesman
Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent
Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that
your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s
now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman?
Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s
brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to
bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her
into buying an extra pair of trousers.”
(#879) Why a divorce?
Issy was playing a round of golf with
Sidney when suddenly, Issy announces, “I want a divorce.”
“Why on earth do you want to do that?”
says Sidney. “Why do you want to divorce your lovely Hetty? She’s beautiful.
And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a great figure
to got with it.”
“Look at it this way Sidney,” replies
Issy, as he removes one of his shoes. “Just look at this shoe. The leather
seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape is very
modern. Don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney, “but I don’t understand
what you’re getting at.”
“Well,” says Issy, “I’m the only one who
knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly.”
(#880) The promise
Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed,
she says, “Shlomo, are you here?”
“Sadie, can’t you see I’m standing right
next to you?” replies Shlomo.
“Well that’s a change,” says Sadie, “I’m
not used to having you at home.”
“Oh now come on darling,” says Shlomo,
“you didn’t really expect me to be out of the house when you’re dying?”
“Well it wouldn’t have surprised me,”
says Sadie.
“Please let’s not argue,” says Shlomo.
“OK,” says Sadie, “but I want you to promise
me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?”
“Four,” replies Shlomo.
“Does that include the hearse?” asks Sadie.
“Yes,” replies Shlomo, “but this is not
the time to talk about it.”
“Shlomo, it’s my funeral, remember,” says
Sadie. “Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their
own way there. Cancel one of the cars.”
“OK,” says Shlomo.
“And I want you to promise me something
else,” says Sadie.
“Anything darling,” says Shlomo.
“I want you and my mother to travel together
in the same car,” says Sadie.
“But darling,” says Shlomo, “you know
we’ve not spoken to one another for at least ten years.”
“I know,” says Sadie, “but I don’t care.
It’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.”
“Well, OK,” replies Shlomo, “I’ll do it,
but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.”
(#881) Who runs our life?
When we are young, it’s our parents who
run our lives, but then, when we get old, it’s our children who run our
lives.
(#882) Silence is golden
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives
his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact
that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and
bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realises
that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit
segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth,
he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start
the day with such bitter tasting food.”
“Simon, bubeleh, you spoke,” cries Hannah,
“you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov, son,” says Maurice.”
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room
in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken
you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already
quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning,
when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I’ve been getting has always
been excellent.”
(#883) The insomniac
Daniel and Naomi go to bed and one hour
later, Naomi is still awake. She is having great difficulty in getting
to sleep so she decides to do what has worked before. She nudges
Daniel and says to him in a soft voice, “Daniel, turn over.”
Daniel replies, “£56,710.65.”
(#884) The present
Moishe was passing by a florist when he
saw a sign in the window saying, "Say It With Flowers."
He went into the shop and said to the
assistant, "Wrap up one rose for me."
"Only one?" the assistant asked.
"Just one," replied Moishe. "I'm a man
of few words."
(#885) The voice in her ear
Freda is walking down Hendon Road one
morning when she hears a voice shout in her ear, “Stop at once. Don’t take
another step.”
She stops at once and a brick smashes
into the pavement just in front of her. She had a narrow escape. A few
minutes later, Freda is at a pedestrian crossing and just as she’s about
to step across the road, the same voice shouts in her ear, “Stay where
you are. Don’t cross the road.”
She stays where she is and a bus goes
across the red light at speed, just where she would have been had she crossed.
Freda is shaking at her second narrow
escape and says aloud, “Who are you? Why are you helping me?”
“I’m your guardian angel,” came the reply,
“and I’m just doing my job looking after you. Is there any other question
you would like to ask me?”
“Yes,” replied Freda, “Where were you
on my wedding day?”
(#886) Couch potatoes
I came across this exercise for those
of us who need to build arm and shoulder muscles and thought I would share
it with you. Doing it twice a week gives good results. The only equipment
you will need are some potato sacks.
IMPORTANT: Please read all of the instructions
right to the end before starting.
INSTRUCTIONS
Stand on a carpet and ensure you have
plenty of room on each side of you. Hold a 5lb potato sack in each hand
and extend your arms sideways, straight out from your sides. Hold this
position for as long as you can, then relax. You'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer as each day goes by.
Do this for 2 weeks then move up to 10lb
potato sacks and repeat the exercise. Repeat this with 50lb potato sacks
and then, finally, with 100lb potato sacks.
When you have reached this level you can
move onto stage 2 - start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks,
but be careful not to overdo it.
(#887) The furniture emporium
There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s
Furniture Warehouse.
SIGN#1 - “There are two very good reasons
why we won't cash your cheque. Either we don't know you, or we DO know
you.”
SIGN#2 - “We have an agreement with all
the local banks. They don't sell furniture and we don't cash cheques.”
SIGN#3 - “We don't blame our competitors
for charging less for their furniture. After all, they should know what
their stuff is worth.”
(#888) Kosher celebration cards that
had to be withdrawn from sale
Congratulations on your wedding day - Sorry
to hear that no one likes your wife
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy
- It’s surprising that 2 beautiful people like you can have such an
ugly baby
I've always wanted someone to love - But
after meeting you, I've changed my mind
You brought religion into my life - I never
believed in hell until I met you
Looking back over the years we've been together
- I can't help but wonder - What the hell was I thinking?
As the days pass by - I think how lucky
I am that you're not here to ruin it for me
If I get only one thing for Chanukah - I
hope it's your sister
As you grow older Mummy - I think of all
the gifts you've given me - like the need for therapy
Congratulations on your promotion - Before
you go, take your knife out of my back - you'll need it again
One day I hope to get married - But not
to you
Sorry things didn't work out between us -
I
can't handle men with bigger breasts than mine
Happy Birthday. You look great for your age
- Almost lifelike
You always said you'd die for me. So now we've
broken up - I think it's time for you to keep your promise
We’ve been friends for a long time - What
say we call it quits?
I'm so miserable without you - It's almost
like you're here with me
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy
- Did you ever find out who the father was?
You’re a good friend. If we were on a sinking
ship with only one life jacket - I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often
Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday - So we're having you put to sleep
(#889) The car dealer
When Moishe and Sadie arrived at their
local dealer to pick up their new car, they were told that there would
be a delay as the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. They went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the door on the driver's side.
Sadie went round to the passenger's side
and as any Jewish woman would do, she instinctively tried the door handle.
To her surprise, the door opened.
"Hey," she shouted to the mechanic, "this
door’s open!"
"I know," he answered, "I’ve already opened
the door on that side."
(#890) How did you do that?
Moishe the farmer had made out a Will
that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on
his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one
third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though
this was fair.
Some years later he died and his sons
knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according
to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.
After much thought, the Rabbi went away
and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave
the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows.
There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home
with him.
(#891) The miser
Shlomo was a miser and his friend Isaac
knew this. One evening, Shlomo and Isaac went out for a meal with their
girlfriends. At the end of the meal, Isaac overheard Shlomo say to his
girl, “Marry me darling and I’ll buy you the sun, the moon and the stars.”
Shlomo immediately called over the waiter
and said, “Separate bills please.”
(#892) The controllers
Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse
talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter
and John are doing all the talking whilst Shlomo remains silent.
After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and
says, "Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What
sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night, my wife Hette
came to me on her hands and knees."
Peter and John were amazed! "What happened
then?"
"Well," replied Shlomo, "Hette then said,
'get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
(#893) The streaker
Two elderly ladies, Hannah and Miriam,
were walking home one afternoon in Hampstead. Suddenly, a very old male
‘streaker’ ran past them.
Hannah says, "What was that, Miriam?"
Miriam replies, "I don't know, Hannah,
but it needed ironing."
(#894) Responses to kosher pickup lines
Abe: "Haven't we met before? In Israel,
maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the
Tel Aviv VD Clinic."
Abe: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
At the Israeli dance class maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, that's why I don't go there
anymore."
Abe: "I just love Jewish affairs - is this
seat empty?"
Hetty: "Yes, and this one will be too
if you sit down."
Abe: "I live in Golders Green - shall we
go to your place or mine?"
Hetty: "Both. You go to yours and I'll
go to mine."
Abe: "I’m an accountant - so what do you
do for a living?"
Hetty: "I'm a female impersonator."
Abe: "How do you like your eggs in the
morning?"
Hetty: "Unfertilized!"
Abe: "I’m very experienced and I know how
to please a woman."
Hetty: "Then please leave me alone."
Abe: "You’re such a beautiful Jewish girl
that I want to give myself to you."
Hetty: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Abe: "I’m a stockbroker in the City and
I can tell that you want me."
Hetty: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want
you...to leave."
Abe: "I’m a connoisseur of beautiful Jewish
women and if I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Hetty: "Yes, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing."
Abe: "My father is big in property and
I'd go through anything for you."
Hetty: "Good! Let's start with your bank
account."
Abe: "I have lots of money which I’d use
to go to the end of the world for you."
Hetty: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
go to fortieth set
Comments
(#895) Diversification
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
Issy and Shlomo have been running a Jewish
goods shop in Kilburn, London for over 40 years but the neighbourhood was
not what it was and the Jewish community was moving out.
One day, Shlomo says, "Issy, our customers
are moving out. Ve haff to move to where they are going - to Golders Green
or Hendon, if ve vant to survive."
"Ve can't do this," replies Issy, "dis
neighbourhood iz our life. Ve've been here for foity-tree years. However,
instead of moving, ve should tink about sellink Katolik articles as vell
as Jewish vuns."
"Vut? Katolik tings?" says Shlomo, "Dat’s
a meshuggeneh idea. Ve Jews can’t sell anytink Katolik."
But in the following week they only manage
to sell one mezuzah and a Barmitzvah tallit and by Friday Shlomo comes
round to Issy’s way of thinking - they will have to stock some Catholic
articles. "OK Issy," he says, "You vin. Call de Katolik supplier
in Cricklevood right now." So Issy rings them.
"Hello, is dis de Katolik Supply House?"
"Yes it is. How can we be of help,
sir?"
"Dis is Issy of Issys and Shlomos in Kilburn.
Ve vant 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, all autographed please,
and 200 of dem beads, vot dey called?"
"Rosaries, sir. Will there be anything
else?"
"Yes, ve also vant some crosses, a gross
will do for starters, and ve vant you to deliver all of dese things to
us tomorrow morning."
"OK sir," comes the reply, "Let me read
the list back to you to check that I’ve got your order right. You require
a delivery tomorrow morning of 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope,
each one to be personally signed by his holiness, 200 sets of Rosaries
and 144 crucifixes. But about dese crucifixes – do you vant dem mit or
mitout de Jesuses? Ve can do either. But tomorrow ve don't deliver.
It's shabbos."
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish
when
She cries at your bris - because you’re not
engaged already.
She shouts “Mazeltov.” - every time she hears
some crockery break.
She does all her Pesach shopping for next
Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items
at sale prices.
She calls you many times a day before 10am
- because she wants to ask you how your day is going.
She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday
– because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos,
bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?
She cries at your Barmitzvah - because
you’re not engaged already.
She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment
– so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.
She won’t let you leave home without a coat
and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’.
She takes restaurant leftovers home with her
- “I should throw away?”
She cries on your 21st birthday - because
you’re not engaged already.
She’s serves you chopped liver every week
- because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped
liver.
She makes an extra shabbos table setting –
because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.
She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery
at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper
in Tel Aviv.
She encourages you to do whatever you want
with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren.
She’s regularly heard muttering - “Is one
grandchild too much to ask for?”
(#897) Benjy the thief
Benjy had been arrested and was now up
before the judge.
The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke
into the same clothes shop 3 times?"
"Yes," replies Benjy.
"Could you please tell the court what
you stole." asks the judge.
"I stole a dress, your honour," replies
Benjy.
"Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking
in 3 times," says the judge.
"Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy,
"but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before."
"Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand,"
says the judge.
"Because my wife Bette didn't like the
design, your honour."
(#898) Sights of London
Yitzhak and Hyman are visiting London
for the first time. One day, whilst out sightseeing in Golders Green, they
come across two Jews with long beards and dreadlocks, wearing long black
coats and wide brimmed hats.
Yitzhak, who’s a bit of a joker, points
to them and says to Hyman, "What are they?"
Hyman replies, "Hassidim."
"I see them too," says Yitzhak smiling,
"but what are they?"
(#899) Plastic surgery
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon.
When asked what they would like done, Max replies, “It’s her tuchus, doctor,
her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around
it.”
“So,” says the doctor, “you would like
me to perform a tuchus reduction?”
“No, no,” replies Max, “I need a hand
enlargement.”
(#900) Life’s lesson
Little Sam was out shopping with his mother,
something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam
came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted.
Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his
mother firmly said, "I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy
you a toy."
Sam angrily said, "I’ve never met a woman
as mean as you."
Holding his hand gently, she replied,
"Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really
will, I promise you."
(#901) Salesmanship
Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes
shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed
Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told
him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous
suit we've had in stock for such a long time."
"Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue
double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom."
"That's the one!" said Moshe.
"Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really
thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever
had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I
sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."
(#902) Flying companion
Lionel is flying back to London. He boards
his plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a heavy, mean-looking,
giant of a man sits next to him and promptly falls asleep.
During the flight, Lionel begins to feel
quite sick and wants to go to the toilet, but he's afraid to wake the giant
and it would be impossible to climb over him. So Lionel has to sit there
trying to decide the best course of action. Suddenly, the plane hits some
air turbulence and lurches around for a few seconds. A wave of nausea overcomes
Lionel and he is sick all over the giant.
Some time later, the giant awakes and
sees the vomit over him.
"So," says Lionel, "are you feeling better
now?"
(#903) The thoughtful juror
When Rivkah was called up for jury service,
she asked the judge whether she could be excused.
"I don’t believe in capital punishment,"
she said, "and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running
its proper course".
The judge liked her thoughtfulness but
had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a
murder trial, it's just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs F is bringing this
case against her husband because he gambled away the entire £15,000
he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a make-over
on her kitchen."
"OK," said Rivkah, "I'll join your jury
- I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
(#904) Five quickies
1. Moshe was talking to his friend. "I
had it all, Hymie - money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful
woman. Then pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked Hymie.
"My wife found out about the beautiful
woman."
2. Sharon says to Leah, "Aren't you wearing
your ring on the wrong finger?"
Leah replies, "Yes - I married the wrong
man."
3. Freda says to her husband, “Let's go
out tonight and have some fun.”
Max replies, “OK, but if you get home
before me, leave the porch light on.”
4. Harry said to his friend, "I married
Miss right, but I just didn't know her first name was Always."
5. Moshe muttered a few words in the synagogue
and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
(#905) Negative views on marriage
Bernie says marriage is not a word, it's
a sentence,
a life sentence.
Sadie says marriage is a three-ring circus,
engagement ring, wedding
ring and suffering.
Bernie and Sadie say that married life
is full of excitement and frustration,
In the first year of marriage the man speaks
and the woman listens
In the second year the woman speaks
and the man listens
In the third year they both speak
and the neighbours listen.
Sadie says that getting married is very much
like going to a restaurant with friends,
you order what you
want but when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered
that instead.
Bernie says a happy marriage is a matter
of giving and taking,
the husband gives and
the wife takes.
Son:
How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't
know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son:
Is it true in ancient China a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?
Father: That's true
everywhere, son.
Sadie says love is one long sweet dream,
and marriage is the
alarm clock.
Bernie says that when a man holds a woman's
hand before marriage, it’s love,
but after marriage,
it’s self-defence.
Bernie told Sadie during their courtship
that he would go through hell for her,
they got married and
now he IS going through hell.
Confucius, he say,
“man who sinks into
woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.”
Bernie says, “when a man steals your wife,
there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.”
Bernie and Sadie say that after marriage,
a husband and wife become two sides of a coin,
they can't face each
other, but still they stay together.
Bernie and Sadie say marriage is when man
and a woman become one,
the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
Bernie says before marriage, a man yearns
for the woman he loves,
after the marriage
the "Y" becomes silent.
Bernie says it's not true that married
men live longer than single men,
it only seems longer.
Bernie says man is incomplete until he
gets married,
then he is finished.
Sadie says it doesn't matter how often
a married man changes his job,
he still ends up with
the same boss.
Bernie inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE
WANTED.
The next day he received a hundred letters
and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
Sadie says when a man opens the door of
his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing,
either the car is new
or the wife is.
(#906) Alternatives
Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their
80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed
by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms
- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had
been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think
it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those
loving pet names."
Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell
you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
(#907) The proud mother
Jewish mothers don't differ from any other
mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah,
trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their
just-graduated sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his
resume is now in its fifth printing."
(#908) Business is business
Fay is sitting at a hotel bar waiting
for her husband to arrive when a man approaches her.
"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks Fay, "do you have one to sell?"
(#909) Unfolding the future
Cyril had just retired and was having
a discussion with his wife Ethel on what the future might hold for them.
"What will you do if I die before you?”
Cyril asks.
After some thought, Ethel replies, "Oh,
I’ll probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed
women. As I’m still quite active, the other three could be a little younger
than me."
Then Ethel asks Cyril, "What will you
do if I die first?"
Cyril replies, "Probably the same thing."
(#910) Facts of life
Benny was fed up with being bossed around
by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told
him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up
his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started
to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished
the book.
Benny strode manfully into the house,
walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards
you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions
in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and
I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of
the bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s
who." replied Leah.
(#911) Love versus marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for two at the Savoy Hotel.
Marriage is Chinese take-away.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding which sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting a break
from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering TV.
(#912) Moshe’s advice
A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and
tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks Moshe.
"Well the left one feels a bit tight,"
replies the man.
Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s
left foot and says, "Try it again, this time with the tongue out."
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
(#913) Queens English
Lionel is walking home one Friday afternoon
feeling quite downcast because he is starting a new job on Monday and desperately
needs a new suit. But he can’t afford to buy one. Just then he passes the
Hendon Menswear Shop and sees a large sign in the window: -
"What d'ya think, my name is Fink and
I sell clothes for nothink."
Lionel goes into the shop and chooses
a new suit. He is very pleased with it – it’s just right for his new job.
He is about to leave the shop, looking good and feeling lucky, when his
joy is cut short. Fink stops him and demands payment for the suit.
Lionel says, "But your sign in the window
says, ‘What d’ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink.’
So how come you want payment?"
"You are reading my sign wrong," replies
Fink. "It actually says, ‘What d'ya think? - My name is Fink? - And I sell
clothes for nothink?’"
(#914) What did you say?
Benny’s hearing has been getting worse
of late and he finally decides to buy a hearing aid. But he doesn’t want
to spend too much money on it. He goes into a hearing aid shop and asks
the salesgirl, "How much do hearing aids cost?"
"That depends on the model," she replies,
"they start from £5 and go up to £2,500."
"So show me the £5 model, already"
says Benny.
The salesgirl puts the £5 device
around Benny's neck and tells him, "All you do is put this stud in your
ear and run this length of wire down to your pocket."
"Nu, so does it work?" asks Benny.
"With respect, sir, for £5, it doesn't
work," she replies, "but when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
go to forty-first
set
Comments
(#915) What’s ethics?
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Issy was the proud co-owner of the local
dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken
soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?"
Issy thought for a while, put down his
spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into
my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean. Then suppose
I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?"
Sam looked expectantly at his father.
"So," Issy said, "to answer your question,
Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money? That's ethics".
(#916) The new solicitors
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Two solicitors, Levy and Cohen, opened
an office in Kilburn. As this was a gentile part of London, they decided
to call their firm Christian and Christian in order to attract non-Jewish
clients. But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their switchboard
operator what to say. When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr Christian,
she answered, "Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"
(#917) The poor tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following
joke]
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next
door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his
black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He
would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's
kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice.
Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "You’re enjoying
my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant
sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their
side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes
and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his.
We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed
for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do
you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in
his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning
of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell
of his food with the sound of my money."
(#918) Shame on you
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green
and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door.
Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the
pouring rain.
"Can I have a push?" says the drunk.
"No you can’t," says Maurice, "it’s three
o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children."
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to
bed.
"Who was that?" asks Golda.
"Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,"
Maurice replies.
"So did you help him?" Golda asks.
"No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring
with rain," replies Maurice.
Golda says, "Shame on you, Maurice. Have
you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth
and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside."
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told.
He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, "Hello,
are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" Maurice shouts.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the
dark.
"So where are you?" asks Maurice.
"Over here on the swing," replies the
drunk.
(#919) Door lock
Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops
in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such
a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.
"Oy vay," says Issy.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
the door," says Hyman.
"No, I don’t think that’ll work," replies
Issy, "because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."
"OK," suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife
to cut the rubber seal around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a
finger and pull out the key."
"No, absolutely not." replies Issy. "Passers-by
will think we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."
"OK," says Hyman, "you’d better think
of something else and quick. It's starting to rain and your sun roof’s
still open."
(#920) Thanks for nothing
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided
to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that
the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns
and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I
don't want the eggs."
"OK," said the waitress, but I will then
have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make
sense.
"Because you will then in effect be ordering
a la carte," the waitress replied.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not
taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.
"Yes, " replied the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special," says
Sadie.
"How do you want your eggs done?" asked
the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.
At the end of the meal, Sadie took the
two eggs home.
(#921) What’s the time, than?
Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat
in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited
Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate.
Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not
show me around?"
So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat
and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom
where his friend couldn’t help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer
on the chest of drawers.
"Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny.
"It's not really a gong, Benny, it’s more
like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A talking clock? Are you serious?" said
Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked
up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood
looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next
door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three
in the morning."
(#922) All change
Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London.
During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack
bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes
into the shop and says, "Make me a hot dog with everything."
Benjy goes to work and soon puts together
a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with
a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.
"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my
change?"
Benjy replies, "Change must come from
within."
(#923) The new companions
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, you do not visit
me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it’s getting hard for me
to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "OK, I will create you a
companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then
know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish
and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you."
And God created a new animal for Adam
and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, I can’t think
of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom
have already been assigned."
And God said, "OK, because I created this
animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a good
companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And
Dog was content and wagged his tail.
Later, it came to pass that Adam's guardian
angel came to the Lord and said, "Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like
a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility."
And the Lord said, "OK, I will create
another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion
will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT. And Cat would not
obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
(#924) Moshe’s favourite London signs
DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER (cemetery)
THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS (department
store)
'BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT
IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME (restaurant)
MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN (launderette)
WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK (repair shop door)
WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT
BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN (office)
MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT (German
restaurant)
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN? (second-hand shop)
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
(toilet)
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL
BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR (beach)
PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE
MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS (petrol station)
AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD (office)
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE
THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF (dry cleaners)
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS (health food shop)
MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF) (farm)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR (safari
park)
(#925) Some more quickies
Fay is wheeling her granddaughter in a
pram when Rivkah stops her and says, "What a beautiful grandchild , Fay."
"Ach, Rivkah, this is nothing," says Fay,
"you should see the photos."
Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly
used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
A: Eateateat
(#926) The examination
Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a
psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie
to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing
I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Sadie replied,
"Bernie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
(#927) Religious test
Moshe, Peter and Ali were discussing who
was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of
the desert," said Ali. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were
being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose faith
in the Almighty. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 100 yards all around
me the storm had stopped. Since that day, I am a devout believer in God."
"One day while fishing," said Peter, "I
was in my little boat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm
appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my boat was tossed
around by the rough waves. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus. I prayed
and prayed and suddenly for 300 yards all around me the storm had stopped.
Since that day I’m a devout Christian and now teach young children about
Him."
"One Saturday, I was walking down the
road to my synagogue in Hendon," explained Moshe. "I was in my most expensive
designer outfit. Suddenly I saw a leather bag drop to the ground in front
of me. It appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that
it was full of money. I truly thought my end had come as we are not allowed
to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my God.
I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 500 yards all around me it was Sunday."
(#928) The good cook
Little Yossi and his family were having
dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served.
As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right
away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer,"
said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother.
"Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained.
"This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."
(#929) School lunch
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery
school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual,
they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one
end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take
ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching." At the other end he noticed
was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah,
"We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
(#930) White hair
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting
at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates,
she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in
with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said,
"Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every
time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one
of her mother’s hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information
for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs
are white?"
(#931) The art class
Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One
day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing
the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk.
Leah was working very diligently at her work.
Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"
Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."
Rebecca paused and then said, "But no
one knows what God looks like. Leah."
Without looking up from her work, Leah
replied, "They will in a minute."
(#932) No hopers
Arnold and Estelle have been engaged for
over 15 years. She won’t marry him while he is shicker and he won't marry
her while he is sober.
(#933) 50th Anniversary
Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement
home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David,
Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting
their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed
to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual,
they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began.
"Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted
David, "I'm sorry I'm late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You
know how it is. So I didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present."
"Don’t worry," said Moshe, "the main thing
is, we're together, aren’t we?"
Henry then came over. "Hi dad, you're
looking great. And wow, mum, don’t you look good also, you're looking just
like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d
been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow
and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?"
"It's nothing," said Moshe, " the main
thing is we're all together"
Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and
dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll
have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing
that I didn't have time to buy you anything."
Moshe sighed and replied, "I don't care
as long as I have my 3 sons together."
Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a
reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something
that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I,
well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate
and in our struggle to survive, I'm sorry to tell you that we never got
around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few
years, it didn't seem so important, so…"
The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean..
do you mean.. we're bastards?"
"Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly
what I do mean and cheap ones, too"
(#934) Home efficiency
Hyman was an efficiency expert and at
the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. "Please
don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked Benny, who was in the
audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast
for years," Hyman explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator,
oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One
day I told her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"
"Did it save time?" Benny asked.
"Actually, yes," replied Hyman. "It used
to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
go to forty-second
set
Comments
(#935) The special cookies
[My thanks to my son Paul
for the following joke]
As 80year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom,
he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting
up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength,
lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his
way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down
the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard,
he leans against the kitchen doorframe and stares in.
"I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as
there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies.
"Am I really in heaven," has asks himself,
"or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I
exit from this world a happy man?"
Then with one final effort, Benny propels
himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His
aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table
edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that
he will soon experience.
All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand
with her wooden spoon.
"Please don't touch them," she says, "they're
for the Shiva."
(#936) Too clever by half
Little 5year old Benjy was practicing
spelling on his fridge using a set of magnetic letters. Freda, his mother,
had watched him put together words such as ‘mum’, ‘dad’, ‘dog’, ‘cat’ and
‘car’ and was very proud of her clever son.
But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what
I spelled, mummy."
Freda looked at the fridge and saw that
he had put up the three magnetic letters, ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’.
"Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said,
"why don’t you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?"
"OK, mummy," he said.
But just as Freda was thinking that the
Jewish school he went to was starting to have an impact, Benjy’s little
voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"
(#937) Kosher PC
My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had
a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse.
He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I
did, he said I would need to know the differences.
The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for
flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games
Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star
of David in the upper right corner
Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte
of this and a little byte of that.”
Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up
The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels
The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown
every Friday
The KPC start button is labelled, “Let's go
already, I'm not getting any younger.”
When disconnecting external devices from the
back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the
tuchus."
KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant
I should fix this?"
When the KPC processor is working hard, it
broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’
After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes
shloffen.
KPC email always opens with "You don't write
and you never call."
The KPC options button is labelled, "But on
the other hand."
When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box
says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you
really want to cancel?"
The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution
from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.
Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured
with chicken soup.
(#938) Drive-in cash
Hyman received the following letter from
his bank: -
“The President of the Bank of Golders
Green is pleased to announce that two ‘drive-through’ cash dispensers have
now been installed to enable customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their cars.
To help our customers make the most effective
use of this new service, we have come up with the following guidelines.
These were drawn up following intensive behavioural studies of drive-in
services.
PROCEDURES FOR MALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine
4. Enter PIN number
5. Enter amount of cash required
6. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
7. Wind up window
8. Drive off
PROCEDURES FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse a bit to align the car window
with the cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down your car window
5. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger
seat to locate card
6. Turn down the radio
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to access cash machine
due to its distance from car
9. Insert card into machine
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Empty handbag again to find diary
with the PIN number listed
12. Enter PIN number
13. Press ‘cancel’ and re-enter correct
PIN number
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse
and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror
20. Drive away and then stop after 8 feet
21. Reverse car back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Restart stalled engine and drive away
24. Drive for 2-3 miles
25. Release handbrake
(#939) More Quickies
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for
lunch?
A: Reservations
Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the
waiter and asks, “Oy, do you have matzoh balls?”
“No,” replies the waiter, “I always walk
like this.”
(#940) Identification
Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to
London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading
the Financial Times.
“Excuse me,” she says, “can I ask you
something personal? Are you Jewish?”
“No, I’m not,” replies the man.
A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him,
“Please, are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
The man replies, “No, I’ve told you I’m
not,” and continues to read his paper.
A few minutes later, “Excuse me, are you
absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
At that, the man gets quite frustrated
and replies, “All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you
leave me alone?”
Rivkah looks at him and says, “Funny,
you don’t look Jewish.”
(#941) The search party
Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to
Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go
skiing whilst she unpacked.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll
be back within 2 hours.”
Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned
and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross.
After four hours, a search party, with
guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.
As they climbed the slopes, they began
calling out, “Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?”
When they got to the top of the glacier,
they tried one more time, “Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”
And then they heard a faint voice say,
“It’s OK. I’ve given already.”
(#942) The flight home
Moishe was travelling back to London on
an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess
asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
(#943) Marriage etiquette
Naomi had only recently got married and
was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says,
"Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married,
how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband
what disgusting habits his friends have?"
(#944) Gender Confusion
A Tel Aviv college professor of IT knew
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." But what gender, he thought,
should computers be addressed? So he decided to ask his class.
He set up two groups of computer experts,
one comprised of women and the other of men. Each group was asked to recommend
whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or masculine gender
and give 4 reasons for the choice.
The women said that computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender.
In order to get their attention, you have
to turn them on.
Although they have a lot of data, they are
still clueless.
They are supposed to help solve problems but
most of the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realise
that had you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, said that computers
should be referred to in the feminine gender.
No one but God understands their internal
logic.
The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you commit to one, you start spending
money on accessories for it.
(#945) The new member
Rivkah had been trying for some time to
become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband
dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has
her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she
becomes a member.
Unfortunately, at her first golf club
dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her.
Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown,
Rifka jumps up and shouts, “Oy Vay.”
Then, looking around her, she adds, “Whatever
that means.”
(#946) Directions
Avrahom has just been shopping and is
walking home down Golders Green High Road carrying lots of parcels when
a man comes up to him.
“Excuse me. Do you know where I can find
Levy’s bagel bakery?”
Avrahom hands over the parcels he is carrying
to the stranger, spreads his arms out as wide as he can, shrugs and replies,
“How should I know?”
(#947) Philosophical thoughts
I had a shock the other day when I read in
the papers that 1 in 4 Londoners suffers from some kind of mental illness.
I’m fairly certain my 3 best friends are normal, so it must be me. Oy vay.
I’m not into working out because my philosophy
is, “no pain, no pain.”
But I am in shape. Well, round is a shape.
My bubba believed we should all stay in shape.
As soon as she reached 60, she started walking four miles every day. She’s
75 now and we have no idea where she is.
I’m neither for nor against apathy.
I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator.
However, I never got round to it.
I’ve always wanted to be somebody. Maybe I
should have been more specific.
I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad,
I take something for it.
I plan to live forever. So far, so good.
You don’t stop laughing because you’ve grown
old. You’ve grown old because you’ve stopped laughing. [So keep on reading
these jokes]
(#948) The bonding
On her first day in her new job, Christine,
a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with
the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did
for a living.
The first little girl replies, "My name
is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman."
The next little boy replies, "I'm Peter
and my dad is a gardener."
But the next little boy says, "My name
is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works
in a gay club at night."
Christine quickly changes the subject.
Later on, in the school playground, Christine
quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about
your father, Moshe?"
Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry
teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just
too embarrassed to say so."
(#949) The benefit of Private Medical
Insurance
Benjy is getting chest pains and goes
to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two
different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need
a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says
all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub
it in twice a day."
(#950) Well, I never
Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car
to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on
the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere
to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice
hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist
hands them a bill for £250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is
so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren't worth anywhere
near £250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were
available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
"But we didn't use them," Yitzhak complains.
"Well, they are here and you could have,"
explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have
taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
in the UK perform here," he says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"
complains Yitzhak again.
"Well, we have them and you could have,"
the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque
and gives it to the Manager.
"But sir," the Manager says, "this cheque
is only made out for £75."
"That's right," says Yitzhak. "I charged
you £175 for sleeping with my wife Fay."
"But I didn't," exclaims the Manager.
"Well," Yitzhak replies, "she was here
and you could have."
(#951) Who has enemies?
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving
a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length
on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, “Please
raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies.“
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides
to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question.
This time about 80% raise their hand.
But the Rabbi is still not satisfied,
lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand,
except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, “Mrs Levy, aren't you
willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any enemies,” she replies.
“That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old
are you?”
“I'm 98, Rabbi.”
“Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and
tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world.”
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces
the congregation and says, with a smile, “I outlived the momzers, that’s
how.”
(#952) The promise
Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in
bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers
in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
Sarah says, "I'll miss you."
(#953) The soldiers
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following joke]
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading
a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly
just drops dead. An officer sees this happen and while Benny and
Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes
up to them. He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them
to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole,
Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s
a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule,"
"donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them
what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The Rabbi looks at the animal and says,
"It’s neither a donkey or a mule. According to the bible, it is obviously
an ass. Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer
arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according
to the bible."
(#954)
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following joke]
Rebecca and Hyman are silently rocking
on their rocking chairs in front of the fire when Hyman suddenly says,
"Rebecca, we’ve been married now for over 50 years and it's good that the
children are all grown up, living on their own and don’t disturb us much."
They continue to rock silently for a few
more minutes, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, we certainly aren't getting
any younger."
They maintain their silent rocking for
some more minutes, then Hyman continues, "You know Rebecca, I’ve been thinking.
One of these days, one of us is surely going to die."
They maintain their silent rocking a bit
longer, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, if one of us does die, I'm
going to take that trip to Israel we promised ourselves."
go to forty-third
set
Comments
(#955) The night out
One night, Moshe and Sadie, both in their
eighties, go to Blooms Restaurant. Moshe orders just one plate of salt
beef, latkes and new green cucumbers. Then, when it arrives, he tucks into
his favourite food. Sadie just sits there watching him enjoy himself.
Shlomo, sitting at a table nearby, notices
that Sadie hasn’t got a meal. He then gets quite upset when, with plenty
of food still left on his plate, Moshe puts down his knife and fork, removes
his napkin and puts it on the table.
“How mean,” thought Shlomo, “the elderly
lady is just sitting there without any food. Maybe they can’t afford two
meals?”
So Shlomo goes over to Sadie and says,
“I hope you won’t be offended but I see you don’t have anything to eat.
Could I please treat you to a meal? It would really make me happy if you
said yes.”
Sadie replies, “That’s very kind of you
but there is no need to worry about me. My husband Moshe and I share everything
50/50 and now that he’s eaten his half, it will soon be my turn.”
“So what are you waiting for?” asks Shlomo.
“The teeth.”
(#956) Dog attack
[My thanks to my Rabbi for
the following joke]
Sidney loved dogs. He thought nothing
of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how vicious a reputation it
had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked
him. So serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained.
If you ever come across Sidney’s grave,
you will find these words inscribed on his headstone, “HE HAD NO MAZEL”
(#957) The greeting
One day, Avrahom meets Hymie at Brent
Cross shopping centre.
“Nice to see you again, Hymie.” he says.
“Nu, is this how my friend greets me?”
says Hymie, “Aren’t you going to ask me how I am?”
“So how are you, Hymie?” Avrahom asks.
“Don’t ask.” replies Hymie.
(#958) Good reading
Max was crossing over Hendon Road one
day when he was hit by a bus. He was immediately rushed to Hendon hospital
and put in intensive care. A few day’s later, Harry, his best friend, visits
him.
“So how are things, Max?” Harry asks.
“Not good. My wife Leah visits me three
times a day.”
“So what’s bad about that?” says Harry.
“Every time she comes,” replies Max, “she
sits at my bedside and reads to me.”
“What does she read?” asks Harry.
”My life insurance policy.”
(#959) Declining morals
Rabbi Levy and Rabbi Landau met one day
and within minutes were discussing how quickly morals in the western world
were declining.
”Well, I certainly didn't sleep with my
wife before I got married.” said Rabbi Levy, “Did you?”
”I can’t be sure,” said Rabbi Landau,
“what was her maiden name?”
(#960) The neighbours
Sharon lives in a block of flats. One
afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn't heard anything for days
from the elderly widow who lives next door.
So Sharon says to her son Paul, "Boobalah,
be a good boy. Go find out how old Mrs Himmelfarb is?"
A few minutes later, Paul returns.
"Nu?" asks Sharon, "Is she OK?"
"She's fine mum, but she's quite angry
with you," replies Paul.
"Angry with me?" says Sharon, "What has
she got to be angry about?"
"Well," says Paul, “she said, ... it's
none of your business how old she is."
(#961) Room service
Jacob is staying at a London hotel and
decides to phone his friend. He calls the operator and in broken English
with a heavy Eastern European/Yiddish accent, he asks for 266418.
Ten minutes later, Jacob hears a knock
on his door. When he opens it, he sees two gorgeous, sexy women standing
there.
One of them says to him, “Was it you who
ordered two shikses for one night?"
(#962) To be a doctor
A doctor needs three things to be successful
1. To have grey hair, to look distinguished;
2. To be moderately overweight, to look
prosperous;
3. To have painful haemorrhoids, to have
a constant look of grave concern.
(#963) A call to the doctor
Sarah had recently given birth to her
first child. Sarah was also a bit of a worrier to say the least and she
hadn’t been home long before she rang her doctor in a state of panic.
“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the
doctor.
“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor.
Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.
The doctor, needing to determine whether
Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere,
said, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but …how are
you taking it?”
Sarah replied, “Oh, I'm holding up pretty
well, doctor.”
(#964) The business competitors
Benjy and Issy were in conversation. Benjy
says, “Did you know our synagogue has not one but two podiatrists as members?”
“Yes,” replies Issy, “and did you know
that they have both just opened new clinics in the same street?”
“Well, that doesn’t really surprise me,”
says Benjy with a gleam in his eye, “after all, they were arch enemies."
(#965) Doctor’s advice
Sam is recovering from a recent heart
attack and goes to visit Dr Myers, his cardiologist. After a full check
up, Dr Myers tells Sam that he will be able to resume his sex life as soon
as he can climb two flights of stairs without getting out of breath.
Sam says, “OK, but what if I only look
for women who live on the ground floor?"
(#966) The wedding ceremony
Maurice and Rachel are sweethearts. Maurice
lives in a small village out in the country and Rachel lives in town. One
day, they go to see the Rabbi and set a date for their wedding. Before
they leave, the Rabbi asks them whether they want a contemporary or traditional
service. After a short discussion, they opt for the contemporary service.
Their day arrives but the weather is rotten
and a storm forces Maurice to take an alternate route to the synagogue.
The village streets are flooded, so he rolls up his trouser legs to keep
his trousers dry. When at last he reaches the shul, his best man immediately
rushes him up the aisle and up to the chuppa. As the ceremony starts, the
Rabbi whispers to Maurice, "Pull down your trousers."
"Rabbi, I've changed my mind," says Maurice,
"I think I prefer the traditional service."
(#967) A really stupid joke (for children)
Shlomo the tomato was out walking one
day with his wife and young son Benjy the tomato. Unfortunately, Benjy
the tomato was not walking fast enough and he kept falling behind his parents.
So Shlomo the tomato turned round and shouted at Benjy, “You meshuggener,
ketch-up.”
(#968) Time off for a happy event
Issy went to see his personnel manager.
“Could I please have this Friday off so that I can have a long weekend?”
“Why?”
“Because my wife is expecting a baby,”
Issy replied.
“But of course you can, Issy,” came the
reply. “Why didn’t you say so in the first place? When is the event due?”
“About nine months after I get home.”
(#969) It’s not my fault
Jacob is in court facing the judge. The
judge says to him, “It has been brought to my attention that you are now
4 months behind with your alimony. Do you realise that this is a serious
omission?”
“Yes, your honour, but let me explain,”
replies Jacob, “It’s all because my second wife Judith isn’t very well
at the moment and she can’t work too hard.”
(#970) Jewish Women’s Shopping Centre
(JWSC)
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Rivkah goes to the new shopping centre
in Hendon. It’s unique because it’s only for Jewish women looking for Jewish
husbands. Potential husbands are the only goods on display. This is why
Rivkah is there.
When she enters the building, there is
a large sign, which says: -
THE HENDON JWSC
This JWSC centre is laid out over 5 floors
The men here have increasingly better attributes
the higher up you go
The rules for entry are simple – you are only
allowed in once
Once you open the door to a floor, you must
choose a man from that floor
If you go up a floor, you can't go back down
except to leave the centre
BEST OF LUCK
Rivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on
the door says
Floor 1: All the men here have
jobs, love children and are certainly not lazy
Rivkah thought, "Well, that's better than
not having a job or not loving children, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up she goes to the next floor. The sign says
Floor 2: All the men on this
floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy and are
extremely good looking.
"That’s better," thought Rivkah, "but
I wonder what's further upstairs?" Up she goes. The sign says
Floor 3: All the men on this
floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework and are not strictly orthodox.
"Wow," thought Rivkah, "almost perfect
and very tempting. But I’ve come this far and there's more further up!"
And so again, up she goes. The sign says
Floor 4: All the men on this
floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, are not strictly orthodox, are very
romantic and know how to satisfy their partner.
"Oy vay, wonderful" she said aloud, "but
just think what could be waiting for me upstairs" So up to the fifth and
top floor she goes. The sign here says
Floor 5: This floor is just to
prove that Jewish women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping.
Have a nice day.
(#971) Reductions
Moshe’s haberdashery business was doing
very badly and he decided he had to reduce his staffing level by two if
he wanted to survive. So two had to go. But it didn’t help for long and
he soon had to let another two go, and then soon after that, another two.
Moshe died not long afterwards. All who knew him said that the terrible
strain of running his business contributed to his death.
Later, as they were carrying Moshe’s body
to his grave, Moshe suddenly pushed off the lid, sat up in his coffin and
asked, “How many men are carrying me?”
“Eight,” came the reply.
“Better lay off two,” said Moshe, lying
down again.
(#972) Silence is not golden
Bernie and Estelle had a big argument,
which ended with neither one speaking to the other. This ‘silence’ went
on for three days. But then Bernie realised he needed Estelle’s help because
he had an early morning flight to catch. However, he still couldn’t bring
himself to talk to her so he wrote a note and left it on her pillow.
It said, "Please wake me at 5 am. I have
to catch an early plane."
Next morning, Bernie woke and found to
his horror that it was 9 am. He heard Estelle busy in the kitchen and there
was a note on his pillow.
It said, "It's 5 am. Wake up."
(#973) Sneaky
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Sam goes into a barber’s shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and replies,
"About 30 minutes."
Sam thanks him and leaves.
Two days later, Sam again enters the shop,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around at the shop full of
customers and says, "About 45 minutes."
Sam again thanks him and leaves.
A week later, Sam sticks his head into
the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
Issy looks around his shop and says, "About
35 minutes."
Sam once again thanks him and leaves.
Issy is bewildered by this strange behaviour
so he says to his assistant, "Could you please follow that man and let
me know where he goes. He keeps asking me how long he would have to wait
for a haircut but doesn't return."
Five minutes later, his assistant comes
back, laughing aloud. Issy asks him, "So where did the guy go when he left
here?"
The assistant looks at Issy and replies,
"Your house."
(#974) The mermaid
It’s Sunday morning, and as usual, Abe,
Issy and Benny are out fishing. Suddenly, Benny catches a mermaid. The
mermaid begs him to set her free. In return, she will grant each of them
a wish.
Abe doesn't believe her and says, "If
you can really grant wishes, double my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Abe starts reciting Shakespeare
flawlessly and analyses what he's recited with great insight.
Issy is amazed and says to the mermaid,
"Triple my IQ."
The mermaid says, "Done."
Shazzam. Issy starts to spout solutions
to problems that have been puzzling the greatest scientists of the world
- the mathematicians, atomic physicists and chemists.
Benny sees the changes in his friends,
so he says to her, "Quintuple my IQ."
The mermaid looks at him with a worried
look and says, "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds
when they make a wish, but in this case, I really think you should reconsider.
You just don't know what you're asking for. It will change your entire
view of life as you now know it. Please, ask for something else. Ask for
£1m and I’ll give it to you. Ask for anything, please."
Benny replies, "I hear what you’re saying
but I’ll take the chance. I want you to increase my IQ to five times its
usual power. If you don't, I won't set you free."
So the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
Shazzam. Benny turns into a woman.
go to forty-fourth
set
Comments
(#975) Far reaching
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Three senior citizens - Sarah, Becky and
Estelle, are sitting on a park bench in Golders Green having a quiet chat
when a flasher approaches. He walks up to the bench, stands right in front
of them and all of a sudden, with a loud shout, “AHA”, he opens his raincoat.
Sarah immediately has a stroke. Becky
also has a stroke. But Estelle, who is much older and feebler than the
other two, couldn't reach that far.
(#976) Family growth
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire.
He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a
single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-received
fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets
Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
"I'm just a standard kind of a nice guy,"
he says to her, "but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected
to die and I'll inherit over £20 million."
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following
day becomes his stepmother.
(#977) Dangerous driver
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Sharon and her friend Kitty, two little
elderly ladies, are out for a drive in a large Mercedes with Kitty driving
and Sharon in the front passenger seat. After a few minutes, they come
to some traffic lights but although the lights are clearly at red, the
car just continues across the intersection.
Sharon says to herself, "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they come to another
set of lights and again they go through red, this time narrowly missing
a car driving across them. Although Sharon is sure the light was at red,
she is still convinced she is losing it. She is now getting very nervous.
At the next intersection, the light is
again showing red and as before, the car goes across without slowing.
So Sharon turns to Kitty and says, "Hey,
did you know that you just passed 3 red lights in a row? What on earth
are you doing – are you trying to kill us?"
Kitty turns to Sharon and replies, "Oy
vay! Am I driving?"
(#978) Customer is always right
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Moshe is in his usual nasty mood as he
goes into a bank and says to the women cashier behind the window, "I want
to open a bloody deposit account."
The astonished woman replies, "I do beg
your pardon, but I must have misheard you. What did you say?"
"So listen carefully this time, you stupid
moo," shouts Moshe, angrily, "I said I want to open a bloody deposit account
and right now."
"I'm very sorry sir, but I won’t tolerate
that kind of language," and with that she leaves her window and goes to
see the bank manager.
The manager agrees with her that she certainly
shouldn’t have to listen to foul language. They both return to her window
and the manager says to Moshe, "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"There is no damn problem," Moshe says,
"I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery and all I want to do is
open a bloody deposit account in this bloody awful bank!"
"Oh, I see, " says the manager, "and is
this bitch giving you a hard time?"
(#979) The helpers
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
One Sabbath, at the end of the service,
Rabbi Cohen announces to his Hendon congregation that he would not be renewing
his contract and that he would be moving on to a larger synagogue in the
West End for more money. There is immediate silence. He is a popular
Rabbi and most of the congregation (but not all - after all he’s a Rabbi)
are unhappy to hear this news.
Suddenly Moshe, who owns several very
successful kosher restaurants, gets up and shouts out, "If Rabbi
Cohen agrees to stay with us, I'll provide him and his family with a free
3 course meal every day for the next 2 years."
Then Abe, a successful property tycoon,
stands up and shouts, "If Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll not only increase his
salary by 50% but I’ll also guarantee the education of his two children."
Then Sadie, aged 75, stands up and shouts,
"And if Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll promise him sex."
Rabbi Cohen, blushing, asks her, "Sadie,
why on earth did you say that?"
Sadie replies, "Because I’ve just asked
my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw him."
(#980) The indiscretion
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Rebecca walks into an up-market car showroom.
As she is browsing around, she spots a special looking car and walks over
to inspect it. Rebecca opens the driver’s door and bends down to feel the
fine leather upholstery. Suddenly, a loud fart escapes her.
Rebecca is very embarrassed and looks
nervously around, hoping that no one had noticed her little ‘indiscretion’.
But as luck would have it, when she turns back to the car, there, standing
next to her is a salesman.
"Good afternoon, madam, can I be of service?"
Very uncomfortably, Rebecca asks, "Yes.
What is the price of this lovely car?"
"If you farted just touching it, madam,"
he replies, "you will sh*t yourself when you hear the price."
(#981) The new golf course
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy.
"Becky, he shouts, "I’m feeling terrible, I’m sore all over, what should
I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers
says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news
for you. You’re very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to
live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and
make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is
over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like
to be buried with his golf clubs. If there’s a golf course in heaven, he
would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of
us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see
Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi,
is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "I’ll speak to God for
you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi,
have you any news?”
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have
spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The
good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you
could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and
you can play golf to your heart’s content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news,
Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning
8 o'clock - you tee off."
(#982) Double trouble
Issy goes with Sarah to his local opticians
in Hendon to buy a new pair of glasses for himself. He chooses a pair ‘off-the
shelf’, pays for them and leaves wearing them. As they are a bit hungry,
they decide to have a coffee and a sandwich at a nearby restaurant.
As he is looking through the menu, Issy
says, "Sarah, you better order for me. I’m seeing everything double with
my new glasses. And while you’re doing that, I’m going to the toilet."
When Issy returns, Sarah notices that
the front of his trousers are wet.
"Oy Vay," says Sarah, "what happened Issy?
Your trousers are all wet?"
"You wouldn’t believe it," Issy replies,
"I was standing in front of the urinal and when I looked down, I saw two.
So I put one back!"
(#983) Life of man
[My thanks to Stanley Cohen
for the following joke]
One day, God created the cow.
God said to the cow, "You must
go to the field with the farmer, suffer under the sun all day, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. For that, I will give you a life span
of 60 years."
The cow replied, "That's a tough life
and you want me to endure it for 60 years. Just give me 20 years and I'll
give you back the other 40."
And God agreed.
Then God created the dog.
God said to the dog, "You must
sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For that, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog replied, "That's too long to be
barking. Just give me 10 years and I'll give back the other 10."
So God agreed (sigh).
Then God created the monkey.
God said to the monkey, "You must
entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. For that, I'll
give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey replied, "How boring having
to do monkey tricks for 20 years. Dog gave you back 10 years and I would
like to do the same, if that’s OK with you?"
And once again God agreed.
Then God created man.
God said to man, "I want you to
eat, sleep, play, have sex and enjoy. I want you to do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. For that, I'll give you 20 years."
Man replied, "What? Only 20 years? It’s
not enough. Why don’t I take my 20 years and the 40 cow gave back and the
10 dog gave back and the 10 monkey gave back. That makes 80. Is that OK?"
"OK," said God, "you've got a deal."
MORAL: That’s why for the first 20 years,
man eats, sleeps, plays, has sex, enjoys and does nothing; for the next
40 years, man slaves in the sun to support his family; for the next 10
years, man does monkey tricks to entertain his grandchildren; and for the
last 10 years, man sits in front of the house and barks at everybody.
(#984) Inflation
Sol and Abe, both elderly, meet one day
in Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
"So, how's by you Abe?" asks Sol.
"It could be worse, Sol. I’m surviving.
And what about you?" asked Abe.
Sol replied, "I've been ill quite a lot
recently and it's costing me a lot of money. I have no private medical
insurance and in the last five months, I've spent over £6,000 on
doctors fees and medicine."
Abe replied, "Ach. In the old days, you
could be ill for at least two years for that kind of money."
(#985) Who was it?
Yitzhak returns from a 4week business
trip to New York and finds out that his wife Sadie has been unfaithful
during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells at Sadie. "Was
it that ba**ard Sam?"
"No," replies Sadie, "no, it wasn't Sam."
"So was it Abe, that degenerate old man?"
"No, it certainly wasn’t him."
"Then it must have been that simpleton
Moshe."
"No, it wasn't Moshe either," replies
Sadie.
Yitzhak is now very angry and his blood
pressure is sky high. "What's the matter?" he cries out, "are none of my
friends good enough for you?"
(#986) Unexpected marketing
Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is
regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
"Can I please try on that dress in the
window?" she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
"Go ahead," Benjamin replies with a shrug,
"maybe it'll attract some business."
(#987) The solution
Melvyn and Max were left quite a large
plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much
grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be
divided between them. The solution just wasn’t that simple, so they took
their problem to Rabbi Landau.
"Rabbi," said Melvyn, "can you please
help us solve our problem?"
As soon as he had heard their case, Rabbi
Landau said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again."
The next day, Melvyn and Max returned
and the rabbi gave them his solution. He gave Max a 50p coin and said,
"You can toss the coin."
"And you," said Rabbi Landau to Melvyn,
"can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land."
"But that won’t work," said Max, "we'll
be right back from where we started."
"But not," said Rabbi Landau, "if the
one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!"
(#988) A little change
On his way back from work one evening,
Benny gets hit by a car as he crosses Threadneedle Street and is knocked
unconscious. To the bystanders, he looks in a bad way. A Priest happens
to be passing and not knowing Benny’s religion, administers last rites.
But immediately, Benny's eyes open and he’s quickly fully awake.
"What were you saying to me?" asks Benny.
The Priest tells him about the last rites.
"I suppose a little bit of a different
religion won’t hurt," says Benny, "thanks."
Benny can’t wait to tell his family about
his experience.
When he gets home, he says to his wife,
"Yetta, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she tells him, "Later, Benny, later.
I don't have time. I’m late for my supervision meeting. I’ve left your
dinner in the oven. See you later."
So Benny goes up to his daughter’s room
and says, "Leah, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she says, "Sorry, Dad, I’m on the
phone planning my weekend. Could you please come back later, and close
the door behind you, will you."
He then goes to look for his son who he
finds driving the car out the garage.
"Maurice, you won't believe what’s just
happened to me."
But his son says, "Dad, I’m late for a
date. I need the car and some money. Can you lend me £100 please?
I’ll talk to you tomorrow."
So Benny goes back into his house, shakes
his head and says, "I’ve only been a gentile for two hours and already
I hate three Jews."
(#989) Conversation with mother
“Can I leave the children with you tonight,
mum?”
“Why, are you going out?”
“Yes I am.”
“So aren’t you going to tell your mother
who you’re going out with?”
“Oh I’m just going out with a friend.”
“I don't know why you left your husband,
he was so good to you.”
“But you know I didn't leave him, mum,
he left me!”
“I think you let him leave you and now
you go out with anybody.”
“I don’t go out with anybody. So, can
I bring the children over or not?”
“I never left you to go out with anybody
except your father.”
“There are many things that you did that
I don't do.”
“So, what are you hinting at?”
“Nothing mum. I just need to know if I
can bring the children over tonight.”
“You're staying the night with him? What
would your husband say if he knew?”
“My ex-husband wouldn’t care. From the
day he left, he never slept alone!”
“So, you're going to sleep over at this
loser's place?”
“He's not a loser.”
“Any man who goes out with a divorcee
with children is a loser.”
”I don't want to argue with you mum. Should
I bring over the children or not?”
“Poor children, with such a mother.”
“A mother such as what?”
“With no stability. No wonder your husband
left you.”
“MUM. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!”
“Please don't scream at me. You probably
scream at this loser too.”
“So now you're worried about the loser?”
“Ah, you admit he's a loser, then. I guessed
he was a loser straight away.”
“Goodbye mother.”
“Wait! Don't hang up. What time are you
bringing them over?”
“I'm not bringing them over because I'm
not going out.”
“But darling, if you don’t go out, how
do you expect to meet anyone?”
(#990) What female Jewish judges might
say
"I have a question for the blonde juror in
the red at the end. Can I ask you if you are married? You’re not – Oy,
do I have a son for you."
"Stop already with this discussion of oral
sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"
"Look at that face! How can a nice boy like
him be guilty?"
"Enough with the objections already! And stand
up straight - your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that
she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet."
"Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA,
come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup tea."
"I’ve just awarded you £1M and you can't
even thank me? I take it back!"
"Fine, go have your little conference with
your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench."
"If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five
days in jail for contempt."
"Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."
"Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't
think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel,
Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart.
No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should
probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes
her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to
remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore,
either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would
it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue?
Overruled."
(#991) What’s your position?
Jacob is out sailing in his expensive
yacht when he gets into difficulties and has to call out the lifeboat.
Because the coastguard needs an accurate fix on the yacht's location, he
calls the yacht on the radio.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is
your position?"
Jacob replies, "My position? It’s very
good. I'm marketing director of a medium sized firm of solicitors in London."
(#992) Moshe in conversation
"What time is it?" Standard
response: "Sorry, I don't know."
Moshe’s response: "What am I, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out OK."
Standard response: "Thank you."
Moshe’s response: "I should be so lucky!"
"Hurry up, dinner is ready."
Standard response: "OK. Be right there."
Moshe’s response: "Alright already, I'm
coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
"Rifka and I just got engaged."
Standard response: "Congratulations!"
Moshe’s response: "She could do with putting
on a few pounds."
"Would you like to go riding with us?"
Standard response: "Just say when."
Moshe’s response: "Riding, shmiding! Do
I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honour at birthday party:
Standard remark: "Happy birthday."
Moshe’s remark: "A year smarter you should
become."
"Isn’t it a beautiful day?"
Standard response: "It sure is."
Moshe’s response: "So the sun is out,
what else is new?"
Answering son’s call: Standard remark:
"It's been ages since you called."
Moshe’s remark: "You didn't wonder if
I'm dead yet?"
(#993) Death in the family
Becky meets her best friend in Brent Cross
shopping centre.
"Rebecca, did you know that Naomi passed
away last week?"
"No, Becky, I didn't know," replies Rebecca,
"How did Abe, that stupid husband of hers, take it?"
"Hard, Rebecca, very hard," says Becky,
"but not as hard as Isaac, their lodger, who everyone knew was having an
affair with Naomi. Rumour has it that when Naomi died, Isaac just went
to pieces. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep and he just sat around the
house crying buckets."
"So then what happened?" asks Rebecca.
"I'll tell you what happened," answers
Becky, "a few days after the funeral, that stupid Abe said to Isaac, "Stop
your crying Isaac. Don’t worry. I'll get married again!"
(#994) Roman salesman
[My thanks to Ian Sarsby
for the following joke]
Marcus Brutus Goldstein earned his living
in the great market of ancient Rome. He was a tailor and made togas which
he would sell from his market stall. His marketing ploy was to shout out
his wares for sale, "Togas! Come buy your togas here - the finest togas
in all of Rome!"
Unfortunately, business was not good.
His friend Moshe suggested that the problem
was due to the cold weather. He should therefore line the garments with
a fine quality wool lining.
Marcus Brutus Goldstein decided to use
the finest quality Kashmir linings. From that day on, he could be heard
plying his trade in the market, shouting to passers-by, "Kashmir
in togas!"
go to forty-fifth
set
Comments
STOP PRESS: The practical joke
(a true story)
A woman decided to give her husband a
laugh for his birthday so she came up with this practical joke – she would
make him believe that he had won top prize in the lottery. (1) She gave
one of her friends her husband’s address, date of birth and lottery numbers
and asked him to ring her husband at work on his birthday and pretend to
be a lottery official. (2) With the help of a printer, she produced a letterhead
containing the official lottery logo. (3) She told all of her husband’s
workmates of her joke and swore them to secrecy.
So on his birthday, her husband got a
phone call telling him of his win, quickly followed by a hand delivered
lottery letter confirming the win. All his work mates rejoiced with him.
Then his wife arrived unannounced at his office and saw the celebrations
taking place.
“Why didn’t you ring me as soon as you
found out you had won?” she teasingly said to him with a smile.
He replied, “You stupid cow. I’ve been
having an affair with your best friend for the last two years and now that
I am worth over £6M, I’m leaving you. Goodbye.”
STOP PRESS 2: Retail therapy or ‘who
needs men?’
(a recent UK survey)
More and more women now head to the shops
to get their ‘excitement’. One in twelve women said they got more pleasure
from finding a sales bargain than making love. In some parts of the UK,
almost one third of women felt ‘deeply satisfied’ after a shopping trip.
A psychologist said the buzz some people
got from shopping was the same as they experienced during sex. ‘A dedicated
female ‘shoppaholic’ will be in a very similar physical state to one who
is kissing and enjoying foreplay – a flushed face, rapid breathing and
flowing perspiration’.
So a new excuse is born? ‘Not now darling,
I’ve been shopping.’
(#995) Late home
Morris and Sadie are having matrimonial
problems. Morris runs a small video rental shop and he regularly comes
home late from work. As a result, Sadie has to throw away his dinner most
nights. Realising her unhappiness, Morris constantly promises her that
he will be home in time for dinner, but somehow something always crops
up to keep him working late. He really loves Sadie but, after all, times
are hard and he has to make a living as well. He just can’t help it.
One morning, Sadie says, "Morris, if you’re
not home by 7pm tonight, then I will never cook for you again and our marriage
will be in jeopardy."
This ultimatum frightens Morris and he
is determined to be home on time for once. So he closes his shop an hour
early and sets off for the station. But before he gets there, he is hit
by a car and is taken to hospital. Fortunately, his injuries are not too
severe and he’s quite quickly released. Nevertheless, a trip to hospital
plus tests, X rays and waiting for a doctor takes time and he doesn’t arrive
home until 9pm.
Sadie was fuming mad. "What time do you
call this?" she shouted, "you said you would be home by 7pm."
"I know I did, darling, " he replied,
"but I have an excuse. I was run over by a car on my way home to you. "
"Nu, so it takes 2 hours to get run over?"
(#996) Career change
Leah meets her friend Hannah in Golders
Green Bagels and asks, "Hannah, so how is your grandson the Proctologist
doing?"
Hannah sighs, "Well Leah, my grandson
Paul is no longer a proctologist. He decided to become a dentist a few
months ago."
"A dentist?" says Leah, "So why has Paul
changed his career?"
"Let's face it," replies Hannah, "everyone
starts off with 32 teeth but have you ever heard of anybody who has more
than one toches?"
(#997) The joker
One evening, Moshe and his partner Abe
were having dinner together to celebrate a recent business deal. They were
having a great time when suddenly Moshe began to find it hard to breathe.
He said, "Abe, help me, I tink I hev svallowed
a bone."
"Are you choking, Moshe?" said Abe.
"No, dem it - I’m being serious."
(#998) The homecoming
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
As usual, Sidney arrives home at 6.30pm,
takes off his coat, turns on the TV and sits down in his favourite chair.
This time, however, he turns to Leah and says, "Make me a cup of tea straight
away before it starts."
Leah is surprised by this but makes him
his cup of tea anyway. Sidney finishes his tea then turns to Leah and says,
" Make me another cup of tea straight away. I think it’s going to start
very soon."
This time Leah is quite angry, but still
makes him another cup of tea. Sidney empties his cup then again turns to
Leah and says, "Quickly, another cup before it starts."
At this, Leah loses her cool. "That's
the last straw, you rude, inconsiderate pig," she shouts, "you come home,
don’t say one word to me, put your fat toches in your armchair and then
expect me to act like your servant. Does it ever occur to you that I might
be tired, with all the cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping and cooking
I do to keep this house of ours spotlessly clean? I don’t think you
ever give me a thought. Selfish, that’s what you are. You don’t need a
wife, you need a slave, you need someone to …….."
Sidney sighs, "Oh dear, its started."
(#999) The tapper
Louis has a bad attack of laryngitis and
completely loses his voice. To help him communicate with his wife Becky,
he devises a system of taps.
One tap means, ‘Kiss me, my darling.’
Two taps means, ‘Yes please.’
And ninety-five taps means, ‘I’ll do the
drying up.’
(#1000) Family help
After a short illness, little Jeremy died.
He was only 9 years old. At his funeral, his family and friends wept at
his grave. Rayne, his mother, was inconsolable and was crying heavily as
the gravediggers started to cover his coffin with earth.
"Oh my poor darling Jeremy. Why did you
leave me at such a young age? You didn’t even get a chance to become a
doctor. So bubbeleh, when you get to heaven, don’t forget to tell God how
terribly miserable all those you left behind are, especially your mother.
And while you’re talking to him, please ask him to help your dear father
find a good job so that he can properly support me and your brothers and
sisters. And Jeremy, bubbeleh, you must tell God about my back problems
and my flatulence and ask him to cure me. And Jeremy, my darling baby,
maybe if you told him also of your uncle’s in-growing toenail, maybe he
could find time to cure him also. And, bubbeleh, don’t forget to tell God
that your elder sister Sarah is already 24 years old and still hasn’t found
a husband – maybe he can make her less fussy and help her find a nice property
developer to marry? Oh, and Jeremy, my sweet child, ask…………"
One of the gravediggers had heard enough.
He turned to Rayne and said, "With all the problems you and your family
have, Mrs Levy, you shouldn’t send a young boy to sort them out, you should
go and sort things out in person."
(#1001) The same person
[My thanks to Uriah for
the following]
Issy and Jacob have finally left Russia
and are on their way to London. On the way, they stop off in Paris for
some sight-seeing. As they near the Arc De Triumph, they see their old
friend Moshe walking towards them. They are keen to talk to him and so
they both shout out his name.
The shouting embarrasses Moshe and his
face goes bright red. When they meet, Moshe quietly asks them, "Please,
my friends, here I am not Moshe but Maurice, and I am not Pisher but De
la Fontaine."
(#1002) Business lesson number 1
Some company executives meet at a school
reunion. One of them, Moshe, arrives in a chauffer-driven Rolls Royce.
Moshe has with him a beautiful young woman and she is dressed in very expensive
clothes.
All evening Moshe donates and spends money
as if there were no tomorrow. His friends quickly realise that he is very
rich and so they ask him how he has managed to become so wealthy.
“Moshe, Don’t be offended but we never
thought you would be successful. How did you do it? Please tell us.”
“I don’t mind telling you,” replies Moshe,
“I’m in manufacturing and I’ve got a successful product which costs me
just £1 to make. I sell all I can produce for £5 and you’d
be surprised how quickly 5% adds up.”
(#1003) Business lesson number 2
Hyman emigrates to England and sets up
Kosher Tailors Ltd. He starts with making alterations and then moves into
bespoke suits. Over time, his 3 sons join him and the company grows and
prospers. Soon, the company is exceedingly profitable and his sons want
to float KTL on the Stock Exchange.
“Dad,” they say, “we need to establish
a financial basis for KTL. How should we determine costs and assets? How
do we establish value?”
Hyman thinks for a while, then replies,
“Go down to the basement and bring me the box behind the old boiler. You
should find some flat irons inside the box. Then go upstairs and bring
down the old tailor’s dummy behind the door. You will also find an old
treadle sewing machine upstairs together with an ironing board. Bring these
also to me.”
The sons do as they were told.
Hyman looks at the old instruments and
says, “These are what I started with. Everything else is profit.”
(#1004) Men from the HJVFC
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following]
One evening, just outside Golders Green,
a fire starts inside Shmatta Ltd, the leading clothing factory in north
London and within minutes becomes a fierce fire.
As soon as the first fire engine arrives
on the scene, Jacob goes over to the firemen and says, "Please. I’m the
chief executive of this factory. All our next season’s designs are in my
office in the centre of the building. They must be saved. I’ll give you
£25,000 if you can save them."
Even though the thought of the money encourages
the men to take risks, the strong, hot flames keep them from going inside.
When two more fire engines arrive, Jacob shouts out that the offer is now
£50,000 to the team who saves the design files.
Then, from the bottom of Golders Green
Road, a single siren is heard and a fourth fire engine comes rushing up
the hill towards the fire. From the initials on the front, HJVFC, everyone
knows it’s from the Hendon Jewish Volunteer Fire Company, whose members
are all over 65. But how can they possibly help? To everyone's amazement,
the old-fashioned HJVFC fire engine doesn’t stop outside the building but
drives straight into the middle of the fire.
As everyone watches, the elderly Jewish
firemen jump down from their engine and begin fighting the fire with unbelievable
energy and commitment. Five minutes later, the men from HJVFC have extinguished
the fire and save the
secret designs. Jacob keeps to his bargain
and writes out a cheque to HJVFC for £50,000. He then personally
thanks each one of the elderly fire fighters and in particular, Moshe,
the 75year old head of the team.
Jacob asks him, "What are you going to
do with all that money?"
"Vell," says Moshe, "the first thing ve
are going to do is fix the brakes on our run down fire engine."
(#1005) The surprise
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following]
Maurice comes home one day to find his
wife Hannah, an English teacher, in bed with his best friend.
"Darling," Maurice cries, "how could you?
After all the years we’ve been together, I come home from work to find
you like this. I am surprised."
"No, no, my dear," says Hannah, "you are
amazed. I am surprised."
(#1006) Snow warnings
Issy is married to Becky, a beautiful
blonde and they live in Golders Green. One very cold winter morning, they
hear the following local radio announcement,
“We’re expecting up to 3 inches
of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your
car on the even numbered side of your street."
Becky goes out and moves her car. The following
morning, they hear another snow warning on the radio,
"We’re expecting another 4 inches
of snow today. To help the gritting lorries get through, please park your
car on the odd numbered side of your street."
Becky goes out and moves her car again. The
next morning, they hear yet another snow warning on the radio,
"We’re expecting a blizzard today
– at least another 6 inches of snow. You must park..."
when suddenly there is a power cut and the
radio goes dead. Becky says to Issy, "Issy darling, now I don't know what
to do. What do you think I should do?"
Issy replies, "Why not just leave your
car in our heated garage this time?"
(#1007) Elderly privileges
Hetty, an elderly lady, has been driving
around the Brent Cross shopping centre’s car park for some time looking
for a place to park when at last she finds one and stops to pull into it.
Suddenly, a youngster drives his car around her and parks his smart silver
Audi in her space.
Hetty is so upset that she gets out of
her car and says to the young driver, "I was going to park there!"
As he walks away, the man just laughs
and says, "That's what you can do when you're young and quick."
Well, this really infuriates Hetty. She
gets back into her car, backs it up and then drives it at speed straight
into his Audi. The youngster runs back to his damaged car and asks, "What
did you do that for?"
Hetty smiles and replies, "That's what
you can do when you're old and rich."
(#1008) Hungry salesman
Benny the salesman had been driving all
day and now it was getting dark, so he stopped for the night at a small
hotel. He went to reception and a lady came to the desk. There didn’t seem
to be anyone at the hotel - the place was deserted.
"Can I help you?" she asked.
"A room please and something to eat,"
Benny said, "I’m dying of hunger."
She looked at him and didn't like what
she saw. He was sweaty, tired looking with bags under his red eyes and
his suit was badly creased. It didn’t look like he could afford a meal.
So she said, "I'm sorry, sir, but we're
right out of food."
Benny looked straight at her and said,
"In that case, I'm going to have to do what my father did."
Immediately she grew frightened. "What
did your father do?" she asked.
"My father," Benny replied, "did what
he had to do."
She became even more frightened when she
heard this. Who knows what kind of father this madman had? Maybe his father
was a thief or a rapist even. And she was alone with him. So maybe I should
keep him happy.
"Hold on sir," she said and returned with
a plate full of roast beef, potatoes, hot peppers and slices of rye bread.
She watched in amazement as Benny ate
it all in quick time. When he had emptied his plate, he said, "That was
great, the best meal I've had in weeks."
Seeing that he was now relaxed, she asked
the question that had been worrying her for the last hour. "Could you please
tell me what it was that your father did?"
"Oh yes, my father," said Benny, "whenever
my father couldn't get anything to eat -- he went to bed hungry."
(#1009) Misunderstanding
David went up to his nursery school teacher
and said, "Teacher, I found a cat yesterday."
The teacher said, "That’s nice David.
Was it dead or alive?"
"Dead," replied David.
"How do you know that?" she asked him.
"Because," said David innocently, "I pissed
in its ear and it didn't move a bit."
"You did WHAT?" said the teacher, very
surprised.
"You know, teacher," explained David,
"I leaned over it and went 'pssst' and it didn't move."
(#1010) Stupid questions asked by cruise
passengers
Moshe: How many feet are we above sea
level?
Hetty: Do all the crew sleep onboard?
Judith: Do you use salt water or fresh
water in the toilets?
Jacob: Does this ship generate its own
electricity?
Issy: Which of the lifts will take
us right to the front of the ship?
Sadie: What time does the ship’s
midnight buffet start?
Hannah: Is this lovely tropical island
completely surrounded by water?
(#1011) Thinking ahead
Little Simon has been naughty and is sent
to bed by his father. He has only been in bed for a few minutes when he
shouts downstairs, "Daddy, oh daddy."
"What do you want?" asks his father.
"I'm thirsty daddy," replies Simon, "can
you bring me up a glass of water?"
"No," says his father, "you had your chance
earlier. Now get to bed and turn off the light."
A few minutes later, "Daddy, oh daddy"
"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" shouts his father.
"I told you, daddy, I'm very thirsty.
Can I please have a drink of water?"
"I’ve already told you the answer. If
you ask again, you’ll be punished."
Again, a few minutes later, "Daddy, oh
daddy"
"WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?" shouts his father.
"When you come upstairs to punish me,
daddy, can you bring a drink of water with you?"
(#1012) The storm
One evening, as Ruth was tucking her son
Sam into bed, a flash of lightening lit up the room and a loud clap of
thunder soon followed. She hoped Sam wouldn’t react to the storm and was
about to turn off the light when Sam asked, in a frightened voice, "Mummy,
can you sleep with me tonight?"
Ruth smiled and gave Sam a big comforting
hug. "I can't bubbeleh," she said, "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
After a few seconds of silence, Sam said,
in a shaky voice, "The big sissy."
(#1013) The shabbes dress
Edgware synagogue was running its usual
popular children’s shabbes service when it was time for the Rabbi to give
them a short sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. Little
Emma was wearing a really pretty dress and as she sat down, the Rabbi leaned
forward and said, "That’s a very pretty dress, Emma. Is it your shabbes
dress?"
Emma replied, "Yes, and my Mummy says
it's a bitch to iron."
(#1014) Straight question
When Suzy was six months pregnant with
her third baby, her three year old son Sam came into her bedroom just as
she was ready to get into the shower.
Sam said, "Mummy, you’re getting fat."
"Yes, darling," said Suzy, "but remember,
mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," Sam replied, "but what's growing
in your butt?"
go to forty-sixth
set
Comments
STOP PRESS:
There was a lovely story in the press
this month. A retired lorry driver and his wife entered a competition where
the first prize was a holiday for two in Hong Kong. They always wanted
to go there. But they got the 2nd prize of “A year of passion.” When they
received the prize, it turned out to be 365 condoms. He told a reporter,
"I couldn’t believe it. I’m 64 and I have a bad back. My wife has just
had her hip replaced. If I was a young chap, still able to do the business,
I suppose I’d be happy. But these days, I’d be lucky if I get a stiff neck."
He is now trying to sell his prize.
(#1015) Well, that’s nice
Rebecca takes her boyfriend Howard to
see her parents to allow them to ‘pass judgement’ on him.
"Hello Howard," says her father, "it’s
nice to meet you. Where do you live?"
"Near Finchley," he replies.
"Near Finchley?" interrupts Rebecca, "He’s
too modest, dad. He owns a 10 bedroom mansion with 5 acres of land in Hampstead
Garden Suburb."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father, "so what do you do for a living?"
"Oh, I own a bit of property," he answers.
"A bit of property?" interrupts Rebecca
again, "why, Howard owns 10% of the Brent Cross shopping centre and much
of the new City Docklands development."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father, "so what are your future prospects?"
"Oh, I’m planning to expand a bit," replies
Howard.
"Expand a bit?" interrupts Rebecca for
the third time, "why, Howard’s just about to purchase the old London Stock
Exchange tower so that he can convert it into the world’s most expensive
hotel."
"Well, that’s nice, Howard," says her
father.
Just then Howard sneezes and reaches into
his pocket for his handkerchief. Rebecca’s mother immediately asks him,
"Have you got a cold, Howard?"
Before he could answer, Rebecca says,
"A cold? Don’t be silly mum, Howard’s got full blown pneumonia."
(#1016) Compared to what?
Issy has six daughters, all married but
one – and she is not very beautiful. So one day Issy visits Rabbi Levine.
"Rabbi, I don’t know what to do about Becky. She seems to be too ugly for
the men around here to want to marry. What do you suggest I do?"
"First of all, can I ask you how ugly
Becky is?" says Rabbi Levine.
"Well, Rabbi, if she was lying on a plate
with some herrings, I don’t think she would stand out from the herrings."
"OK, " says Rabbi Levine, "what kind of
herrings are we talking about?"
Surprised by the question, Issy replies,
"Err….Bismarck herrings Rabbi."
"That’s really bad luck, then," says Rabbi
Levine, "if they were Maatjes herrings, she’d have a much better chance."
(#1017) Good news and bad
Leah phones her husband at work, "Issy,
do you have time for a chat?"
"Sorry, darling, this is not a good time
– I’m about to go into a board meeting."
"But this won’t take long," Leah says,
"I just want to tell you some good news and some bad news."
"I really haven’t the time," says Issy,
"so just quickly tell me the good news."
"Oh all right then. The air bag on your
new Lexus works very well."
(#1018) A year in the life
As Sadie and Manny are leaving Brent Cross
shopping centre, they see their neighbour’s son Paul and his fiancée
Sharon just going in.
"Did you see that? " Sadie says.
"See what?" asks Manny, pretending not
to know what Sadie is referring to.
"Paul’s fiancée, that’s who,” Sadie
says, "She’s dressing all wrong. She’s probably 37-23-35 and with big breasts
like hers, she shouldn’t be wearing such a skimpy see-through top. And
such a tight leather skirt she’s wearing - I don’t know how she can breathe
properly. And it’s so short, it make her legs look too long. I know she’s
got a beautiful face but I don’t think blonde dyed hair suits her. Believe
me, Manny, that marriage won’t last more than 1 year."
With a deep sigh, Manny replies, "Please
God I should have such a year."
(#1019) Barmitzvah present
Avrahom is a 12year old known for his
total lack of religious study, so when his barmitzvah day arrives, Rabbi
Bloom is not about to let this go without comment. Avrahom performs his
barmitzvah as best he can with his minimal preparation and when it comes
time to receive his presents, Avrahom gets what most barmitzvah boys are
given - a daily prayer book; a set of Jewish Festivals prayer books; a
kiddush cup from the congregation’s ladies guild; an encyclopaedia - “The
History of the Jewish People from Bible Times to the Present”; and a bible
(old testament).
Rabbi Bloom then addresses the barmitzvah
boy, "My dear Avrahom. You have received today a number of treasures of
Judaism in book form that will surely enrich your life and make it holy
in the eyes of God. I also have a gift for you."
With that, Rabbi Bloom pulls out an umbrella
from behind the lectern and says to Avrahom, "I present you with this umbrella
because I want to give you something that at least I know for certain you
will open."
(#1020) A story for the chronologically
challenged
It’s Fay’s 80th birthday and she decides
to celebrate it on her own at the Savoy Hotel because they make good drinks
there. As soon as she arrives, Fay goes into the bar and orders a whiskey
with 2 drops of water.
As the barman gives her the drink, Fay
tells him, "I'm 80 years old today, you know."
The barman says, "As it's your birthday,
this drink is on me."
"Thank you," says Fay, and she quickly
finishes her drink.
Then a woman next to her says, "I’d like
to buy you a drink, too."
"Why thanks," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey
with 2 drops of water, please."
"Coming right up," says the barman. Fay
again knocks back her drink.
Then a man next to her says, "Mazeltov,
madam, may I too buy you a drink?"
"Why yes," says Fay, "barman, a whiskey
with 2 drops of water please."
As he hands her the drink, the barman
says, "Excuse me for asking but why the whiskey with only 2 drops of water?
I'm dying to know."
Fay replies, "It’s simple - when you're
my age, you know how to hold your liquor, but take it from me, water is
something altogether different!"
(#1021) The charges
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Sarah and Max get married. On their wedding
night, just when Max is highly aroused, Sarah surprises him by demanding
£25 for their lovemaking. Max readily agrees.
Over the next 30 years, this scenario
is repeated each time they make love - and lovemaking is very frequent
because they are both passionate people. Max always regards the payment
as a cunning way to let Sarah buy new clothes and go regularly to the hairdressers.
One day, Sarah arrives home just after
lunch to find Max at home. He is stressed out and in tears. He tells her,
"My company’s been taken over and I’ve been made redundant. What on earth
will I do? I’m not young anymore and finding another job quickly will be
difficult."
Without saying a word, Sarah opens her
bureau and hands Max her Nationwide Building Society passbook. When he
opens it, he’s surprised to see it showing deposits plus interest over
30 years totalling nearly £1 million. Sarah then hands him
share certificates worth nearly £2 million and says, "Darling Max.
For the last 30 years, I’ve been carefully investing my ‘£25 lovemaking
charges’ and what you see is the result of my investments. So we don’t
need to worry about money."
When he hears this, Max gets even more
distraught and agitated than before, so Sarah asks him, "Why are you so
upset at such good news, Max?"
Max replies, "Oy vay. If I had known what
you were doing, I would have given you all of my business."
(#1022) The £1M essay
The teacher says to her class, "OK, children,
I want you all to write an essay on what you would do if you won £1million
on the lottery."
At the end of the lesson, Isaac hands
in a blank piece of paper.
"Isaac," says the teacher, "why haven’t
you written anything?"
"Because if I had a million pounds, Miss,
that's exactly what I would do - nothing."
(#1023) Canine agent
One day whilst out walking in Golders
Green, Max sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."
He’s curious so he rings the bell. The owner tells Max the dog’s name is
Cindy. He then takes Max into the back garden where a cavalier King Charles
spaniel is just sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" Max asks Cindy.
"Yes, of course I do," Cindy replies.
"So what can you tell me about yourself."
Cindy looks up at Max and says, "I discovered
this special gift of speech when I was young and as I’ve always wanted
to help my country, I told MI5 about it. In next to no time, they had me
flying all over the world, sitting in rooms not only with royalty and world
leaders but also with spies. No one figured a dog could be eavesdropping,
so I was their most valuable spy. But all the jetting around really
tired me out. I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.
So I resigned and signed up for a job at Heathrow airport to do some undercover
security work, mostly wandering near suspicious people and listening in
to their conversations. As a result, I uncovered some incredible plots
and deals and received seven doggie awards. I had a husband and many
puppies. Now, I'm retired."
Max is amazed and asks the owner how much
he wants for Cindy.
The owner says, "£20."
Max says, "This dog is amazing.
Why on earth are you selling her so cheap?"
The owner replies, "Because Cindy is a
liar - she didn't do any of the things she told you."
(#1024) The benefactor
Issy the millionaire goes to Synagogue
one shabbes and at the end of the service stops to shake Rabbi Levy’s hand.
"Rabbi,” says Issy, "that was a God-damned
fine sermon you gave today."
Rabbi Levy replies, "Why thank you Issy,
but I'd rather you didn't use that kind of language in the Lord's House."
But Issy continues, "In fact I was so
God-damned impressed with your sermon that I’ve decided to send you £10,000
for the synagogue rebuilding fund."
Rabbi Levy replies, "No sh*t?"
(#1025) The doctor’s bill
Morris the Edgware tailor is worried because
his wife Hetty is very ill and needs a good doctor. Everyone knows that
Dr Myers is the best doctor in Edgware, so Morris rings him to say that
he would like him to treat Hetty.
Dr Myers says, “OK, but can you afford
me? What if I’m unable to save Hetty and you decide not to pay my bills?”
Morris replies, “I promise to pay you
anything, no matter whether you cure Hetty or kill her.”
So Dr Myers agrees to treat Hetty. Unfortunately,
Hetty dies soon after. When Dr Myers invoice arrives, Morris refuses to
pay, despite his promise. After much arguing, they agree to take the issue
to their Rabbi for a decision.
Dr Myers puts his side of the story to
the Rabbi. “He promised to pay me, ‘no matter whether I cured his wife
or killed her.’”
After a few minutes deliberation, the
Rabbi says, “So did you cure her?”
Dr Myers has to reply, “No.”
The Rabbi then asks, “So did you kill
her?”
“No, I certainly did not,” replied Dr
Myers.
“In that case,” says the Rabbi, “Morris
owes you nothing – you fulfilled neither of the conditions on which you
agreed that your fee should be paid.”
(#1026) The paratrooper
Things were very quiet in the UK so an
English paratrooper named Mike Smith decides to join the Israeli Air Force.
During his interview, he explains that he has lots of experience and is
raring to go. He is given a parachute and told that in a few days time,
he would be jumping out over the Negev desert.
Smith asks, "What do I do if it doesn't
open, sir? Where is the reserve chute?"
The officer tells him only one is necessary,
"If you say the Shema, you’ll have nothing to worry about Smith."
Smith asks, "What is Shema?"
The officer explains and gives him a book
so that he can learn how to say it. And for the next few days, Smith practices
the Shema. On the day of his first jump with the Israeli Air Force, Smith’s
chute doesn't open, Remembering what he’s been taught, he starts to recite
the Shema as he is falling. Suddenly, an enormous hand appears out of nowhere
and catches him. He is so shocked by what is happening that he shouts out,
"Jesus Christ!"
Immediately, the hand turns over and drops
him out.
(#1027) A trip to the bakers - 1
“How much are the bagels?”
“40p for two.”
“How much for one?”
“25p”
“Then I’ll take the other one.”
(#1028) A trip to the bakers - 2
“How do you prevent your bagels being
stolen?”
“I put lox on them.”
(#1029) £35 is £35
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Manny and his wife Ethel go to the Farnborough
Air Display every year. Every year, Manny says, "Ethel, I'd like to take
a ride in a plane," and every year she replies, "I know, but a ride in
a plane is expensive."
At this year’s Air Display, as Manny and
Ethel are walking past the plane ride, Manny says, "Ethel, I'm getting
old. If I don't go up in that plane today, I’ll never get another chance."
Ethel replies, "But Manny, that ride costs
£35 and £35 is £35 you know."
The pilot hears their conversation, "Hey
you two, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take you both up for a ride and
if you can both stay absolutely silent for the entire trip, I won't charge
you a thing. But if I hear just one sound, I’ll charge you £35."
Manny and Ethel talk it over and agree
to the offer. So up they go.
The pilot tries very hard to get them
to shout out in fear - he puts the plane in a series of dives; he twists
and turns the plane at speed; he even rolls the plane on its back, but
he doesn’t hear a sound from his elderly passengers.
When they land, the pilot turns to Manny
and says, "You’re very brave, I tried everything to make you shout out
aloud, but you didn't utter a word."
Manny replies, "Thanks, but to be honest,
I was going to say something when Ethel fell out, but £35 is £35
you know."
(#1030) The job seeker
Stan is nearly 60 and for many years now,
he’s been regularly going to his local job centre every Tuesday. Every
time he goes, he picks up his jobseekers allowance - he’s never been known
to actually look for a job.
It’s Tuesday again. Stan walks up to the
desk and says to the clerk, "Good morning. What job do you have for me?
As you know, I never like claiming any benefits or allowances – I’m not
a sponger. I think it’s far better to look for a good job."
The clerk is surprised to hear this, but
replies, "You’re really in luck today, Stan. We’ve just received instructions
from a very wealthy man who wants a bodyguard / chauffeur for his nymphomaniac
daughter. It says here that the hours are very long, but in return, you'll
get to wear smart suits, shirts, ties and shoes, all of which will be provided
free of charge. Meals will also be provided. You will get to drive a big
Lexus when you’re not working and you’ll have to escort the young lady
on her many overseas trips. The salary package is £100,000 a year
plus expenses."
Stan says, "You're pulling my leg, aren’t
you?"
The clerk replies, "Yes, but you started
it."
(#1031) The helper
Maurice, a motivational consultant, was
just getting into his car when a lovely woman walks up to him and says,
“Can you give me a lift please?”
Maurice replies, “Of course I can. You’re
beautiful, intelligent and there’s nothing in the world you can’t do. Go
for it.”
(#1032) Strongmen
Little Isaac and his friend John were
having an argument about whose father was the strongest. John says, “Do
you know the North Sea? Well my dad’s the one who dug the hole for it.”
Isaac replies, “That’s nothing!
Do you know the Dead Sea? Well my dad’s the one who killed it.”
(#1033) The breadwinner
One day, Becky meets her old friend Rachel
in Hendon. She asks, “So how is your son the solicitor?”
“David’s fine, thanks. Please God every
solicitor should be as busy as he is – he’s even having to turn away new
business.”
“And how’s your daughter Hannah?”
“She’s doing really fine. She’s now playing
her violin in almost every major concert hall around the world and we hardly
see her these days.”
“And what about your youngest son?”
“Oh Issy? He’s doing OK, I suppose. He’s
currently selling cheap clothing to all the street markets in central London.
Mind you, if it wasn’t for Issy, we would all be starving.”
(#1034) Problems, problems
Two doctors are having a conversation
over lunch. Simon says, “Every day, Abe, all I hear from my patients are
stories of suffering and pain. They describe their back problems, their
stomach problems and their headaches. I don’t think I can take much more.
But what about you, Abe? You always seem so calm. So tell me, how do you
cope so well listening to all these problems?”
Abe replies, “So who listens?”
go to forty-seventh
set
Comments
STOP PRESS: (true story)
Figs, as you know, have been the butt
of much lavatorial humour. But figs have positive medical benefits for
us. They have been used for thousands of years to fight ailments such as
constipation, bronchitis, mouth disorders, wounds and gonorrhoea. In traditional
Arabian medicine, figs are also used to treat conjunctivitis, leprosy and
haemorrhoids. And don’t forget there was a fig tree in the Garden of Eden!
Now scientists are saying they can prevent harmful bacteria in food, such
as E-Coli and salmonella. So much so that US researchers are suggesting
fig juice be added to food products to make them safer. So figs are no
laughing matter now.
(#1035) Saved in Bournemouth
Moshe was on holiday in Bournemouth to
celebrate his 70th birthday. It was a nice day so he decided to go for
a swim. But he had only been out for 5 minutes when a huge wave came from
nowhere and swept him out to sea.
"Oy Vay," cried Moshe, "Help! Help me
someone, please. I’m drowning."
Fortunately, a lifeguard heard his cries
and swam out to him. He gripped Moshe tightly and swam back to the shore
with him. As soon as he got Moshe onto dry land, the lifeguard gave him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 5 minutes later, Moshe sat up – he was saved.
The lifeguard helped Moshe to his feet
and said, "If I were you, sir, I’d take it easy for the rest of the day.
Why don’t you go back to your hotel and put your feet up?"
As the lifeguard turned to walk away,
Moshe whispered to a lady next to him, "Excuse me, but could you help me
please. How much does one tip for a thing like that?"
(#1036) Getting back
Issy goes to see Rabbi Levy.
"Rabbi," he says, "you remember Sarah
and I got divorced last year?"
"Yes Issy, I remember."
"Well Rabbi, the thing is, my friends
are telling me that Sarah is feeling very sorry she divorced me. They think
she wants to get back with me. What do you think I should do?"
"Nothing," said Rabbi Levy, "do absolutely
nothing."
"You seem so sure about this, Rabbi. Why?"
"Yes, Issy, I am," replied Rabbi Levy.
"You see, wives are very much like fishermen - complaining about the one
they caught, and bragging about the one that got away."
(#1037) Coffee maker
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Maurice and Becky are arguing over who
should brew the coffee each morning.
Becky says, "As you get up first in the
morning, Maurice, you should make it. Then we won't have to wait too long
for our coffee."
"But you’re in charge of all the cooking,"
replies Maurice, "that’s your job, so you should make it. And if I have
to wait for my coffee in the morning, well, I don't mind."
"But it says in the bible that the man
should make the coffee," says Becky
"OK, responds Maurice, "if you can show
me where it says that, I’ll never question you again."
Next day, Becky borrows a bible from her
neighbour and shows Maurice that on the top of several pages it indeed
says ‘Hebrews’.
(#1038) Hanna’s kosher Christmas
Knock. Knock.
Who's there?
Hanna.
Hanna who?
Hanna partridge in a pear tree.
(#1039) Good dinner dates
Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon.
They are both still single. "After my recent experiences with some of my
dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine."
"Why do you say that?" asks Sharon.
"Well," replies Hannah, "they start out
as grapes and it's up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."
(#1040) He’s missing
Sadie’s husband Bernie didn’t come home
from work one day. She was a bit worried because she had not received any
calls from him to say he’d be late. She rang Bernie’s office, but there
was no reply and she rang Bernie’s mobile, but it was switched off. By
9pm, she was very worried. She rang all the people who might have known
where he was, but nobody knew. At 10pm, she decided to go to the police
station and report him missing.
When she got there, she told the duty
officer, "I don’t know what to do. My husband Bernie didn’t come home from
work today. I can’t live without him. Please help me."
"OK, madam, " he replied, "calm down.
I just need you to answer a few simple questions."
“Ask away, " she replied.
"First of all, can you describe him for
me? I need this so we can put out a search for him."
"Well, officer, he’s 52 with brown eyes
and dark brown hair – what’s left of it. He’s well built – well that’s
not strictly true, he’s quite fat really, and he sweats a lot. He’s also
got what I call an aggressively loud voice. He’s got two missing front
teeth….he wears thick old fashioned glasses….and he’s…wait a minute officer,
I’ve had second thoughts, maybe you shouldn’t bother looking for him."
(#1041) School test
During a maths lesson at school, the teacher
points to little Benny and asks, "Benny, what’s 3 percent?"
Benny sits for a while shaking his head
and then replies, "You’re right Miss, what’s 3 percent?"
(#1042) Entry to heaven
Fay’s son Harry is always getting into
mischief, and she is getting quite exasperated by his antics. One day,
Fay says to him, "Harry, how do you expect to get into Heaven when you’re
always so naughty?"
Harry thinks about this question for a
little while, then replies, "Well, mum, I'll run in and out and in and
out and I’ll keep on slamming the
gates of heaven until the angel at the
gates says, 'For heaven's sake, Harry, come in or stay out.'"
(#1043) Chronologically challenged
At age 4 success is……..not
peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is……..having friends.
At age 16 success is……..having a driver’s
license.
At age 20 success is……..having sex.
At age 35 success is……..having money.
At age 50 success is……..having money.
At age 60 success is……..having sex.
At age 70 success is……..having a driver’s
license.
At age 75 success is……..having friends.
At age 80 success is……..not peeing in
your pants.
(#1044) Alphabet for the aged
A arthritis
B bad back
C chest pains;
cardiac
D dental decay;
decline
E eyesight
F fissures;
fluid retention
G gas; gastrointestinal
glitches
H high blood
pressure
I itches
J joints (stiff)
K knees
L libido
M memory; memory;
memory
N nerve (pinched);
neurosis
O osteo-(anything)
P psoriasis
Q queasiness
R reflux
S sleeplessness
T tinnitus
U urinary
V vertigo
W worry
X X ray
Y years gone
by
Z zeal (undiminished)
(#1045) Gentile jokes
As you know, there are over 1,000 Jewish
jokes on the awordinyoureye website, so to make a change, here are some
Gentile jokes.
Gentile joke No.1: A man goes
into a menswear shop and sees a jacket he likes so he says to the assistant,
"That’s a lovely jacket - how much is it?"
The assistant replies, "It's £300,
sir."
The man says, "OK, I'll take it."
Gentile joke No. 2: Two men meet on the
street. The first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's
it doing?"
The second one replies, "Just great! Thanks
for asking."
Gentile joke No. 3: Two mothers are talking
about their children. The first says, proudly, "My son is a construction
worker!"
The second then says, even more proudly,
"My son is a lorry driver. Isn’t it nice to have such hard working children."
Gentile joke No. 4: A man calls his mother
and says, "Mother, I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something
important has come up - I can't make it."
His mother replies, "OK."
Gentile joke No. 5: A married couple are
in a smart restaurant and the husband says to the waiter, "I'll have the
steak with some green salad and my wife will have the roast pork. And we'll
both have coffee after the meal."
The waiter asks, "How would you like your
steak and salad prepared, sir?"
The man replies, "I'd like the steak medium,
the salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
Gentile joke No. 6: A man calls his elderly
mother and says, "Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She replies, "I feel fine, son, and I
don't need anything. Thanks for calling."
Gentile joke No. 7: A woman meets an old
friend. The friend asks, "How’s your son?"
The woman says, "He's fine, thank you.
He was 40 last week."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"Oh he lives at home with me. I don't
think he'll ever get married."
The friend says, "How nice."
(#1046) Back to front
80-year-old Rachel is very upset indeed
when she calls the police on her mobile phone. She cries, "Help me please.
I’m in Golders Green and my car’s been broken into. The thief has stolen
the CD player, the steering wheel, the gearshift lever and the pedals.
Oy vay, what will I do?"
The dispatcher says to her, "Stay calm,
madam, I’ll ask a police officer to get to you as quickly as possible."
Ten minutes later, the police control
centre gets the following message from the police officer, "Please disregard
the distress call. The lady got in the back-seat of her car by mistake."
(#1047) Forest drive
Avrahom is walking down Edgware High Street
one day when a smart Lexus saloon draws up next to him. Who should be in
it but his friend Yitzhak.
Avrahom asks Yitzhak, "Where did you get
such a nice car, Yitzhak?"
"My girlfriend Sarah gave it to me. "
"Mazeltov. I knew Sarah has been telling
everyone that she’s in love with you, but … to give you such a car?"
"Well, even I admit it was very strange,"
says Yitzhak. "We were out driving in Sarah’s car in Epping Forest when
she suddenly drove into a small covered area hidden from the road. She
then got out the car, took off all her clothes and said to me, ‘Yitzhak,
take whatever you want.’"
"So I took the car."
"Yitzhak," says Avrahom, "you are one
smart cookie. Her clothes would never have fitted you."
(#1048) No help
Mary is woken from her sleep. There’s
a bat in her room, which must have got in through the open window. The
bat swoops around the room and Mary watches in horror as it transforms
itself into …. a vampire.
"Oh my God," she says, as she grips her
pillow tightly.
As the vampire slowly approaches her,
Mary remembers the cross around her neck. She grabs it, points it towards
the vampire and with a trembling cry says, "You can't come any closer.
Look, I have a cross."
The vampire looks Mary in the eye and
says, "Lady, Es vet dir gornisht helfen! (it won’t help you)"
(#1049) No help needed
Issy, a reform Jew, is invited to his
nephew's barmitzvah. The invitation also says that they would like him
to do an aliyah. Not being a regular shul goer, he learns how to do it.
Everyday he practises, "barachu et hashem hamevorach... baruch hashem hamevorach
leolam vaed."
On the day before the barmitzvah, he practises
it one more time and when he went to sleep that night, he was confident
that he knew it well.
The day of the barmitzvah arrives and
soon it was his turn in the shul. He goes up and says, "barachu et hashem
hamevorach."
Everyone behind him then said, "barachu
hashem hamevorach leolam vaed."
"SHUT UP,” he shouts, "I can do it myself!"
(#1050) The fund raisers
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Four ladies from their synagogue’s fund
raising committee are driving home one Sunday afternoon when they are involved
in a terrible car crash. Unfortunately, none of them survive. When they
arrive at the Pearly Gates, they are kept waiting to get into Heaven because
the angel at the gates can’t find them listed in the book of heavenly new
arrivals. "I'm sorry," he says to them, "but I can't find you in the book."
So he has no choice but to send them down
to Hell.
A week later, God visits the Pearly Gates
and says to the angel, "Where are those nice Jewish ladies who were supposed
to be here by now?"
"You mean the fund raisers? I didn't see
them listed, so I sent them to Hell," replies the angel.
"You did what?" God says, "I wanted them
here. If you don’t want to join them, you’d better call Satan and get them
transferred back here right away."
So the angel phones Satan and says, "Satan,
you know those Jewish ladies I sent you last week? Well we really need
them up here. Could you please send them back?
"Sorry, I can’t oblige," Satan replies,
"they've been down here only a week and already they’ve raised £100,000
for an air conditioning system."
(#1051) Sign of the cross
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
75-year-old Hymie was not looking as he
was crossing Golders Green High Street and was hit by a car. It looked
quite a bad accident, but luckily for him, he received only a glancing
blow. As he was lying in the road, a priest who saw the accident ran over
to help. Just in case it was serious, the priest began to administer last
rites.
"No thanks, Father," Hymie said as he
sat up, "I'm not a Catholic."
"What, you’re not Catholic?" said the
priest, "so why did you make the sign of the cross immediately after the
car hit you?"
Hymie replied, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking for what?" said the
priest.
"Everything important to me - spectacles,
testicles, wallet and watch."
(#1052) The threatening letters
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Moshe was a kosher butcher in Hendon.
He was not doing very well and to make matters worse, his wholesaler kept
on writing him threatening letters to pay his outstanding invoices. After
the fifth such letter, Moshe lost his patience and replied to his wholesaler.
This is what he wrote: -
Dear Sir,
I object to your recent threatening
letters and I think I need to explain to you how I do business. Every month,
my accountant calculates how much money I can afford to pay out. Then I
place all my creditors’ invoices in a hat and get my secretary to draw
out as many invoices from the hat as I have money to pay. If you persist
in sending out these threatening letters, I won't even put your invoices
in the hat."
(#1053) What’s in a name?
Benny was talking to his best friend Sam.
"Don’t tell anyone, Sam, but mine Sadie once again had a headache last
night. "
"Really? " said Sam.
"Yes," replied Benny, "it’s been like
this for some weeks now and I’ve been thinking that they must have named
a Jewish holiday after my sex life."
"Which one?" Sam asked.
"Passover."
(#1054) Planning a Will
Issy is seriously ill and decides to write
a Will. He calls his brother Jacob, who is a solicitor, to help him. When
Jacob arrives at Issy’s bedside, Issy says, "Please write this down, Jacob.
I give to my son David, £250,000. I give to each of my three daughters,
Leah, Rose and Freda, £100,000. And I give to my only grandchild
Henry, £50,000."
"Hold on, Issy," says Jacob, "You told
me recently that your entire estate doesn’t come to more than £50,000."
"Nu?" replies Issy, "So let them work
for it like I did."
go to forty-eighth
set
Comments
STOP PRESS: You men out there –
you’d better not upset your partner tonight – you won’t win any battle
of the sexes! In a recent magazine poll, women admitted that they use ‘sex’
as a tactic to control their partners. Even if women were in the mood for
a bit of love, 40% of them said they wouldn’t have sex with their partners
if they were angry with them. A further 20% of women said they would use
the same tactic ‘just to be in control’.
NB But the poll also found that most women
are too tired to have sex anyway, with 50% admitting they ‘couldn’t be
bothered.’
(#1055) Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their
20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject
of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at
least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes,
"I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would
ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly
provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life
insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but
I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands
have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough
for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s
because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have
they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying
for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends
– who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."
(#1056) What a mitzvah
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is
in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he
says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says
Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies
in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made
eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this
for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
(#1057) Insider information
Benny has been suffering with his hearing
for many years and at last decides to see a doctor. After examining Benny,
the doctor tells him, "I’m surprised you’ve put up with this problem for
so long. All you need is a hearing aid."
Within days, Benny is fitted with a state-of-the-art
hearing aid and is asked to return in 4 weeks time for a check up.
Benny returns to the doctor a month later
and after another examination, the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect,
almost 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
Benny replies, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result,
I've changed my Will three times already."
(#1058) I’m not sure
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party
with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy
that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s
surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov
- and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous
for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says,
"Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love
Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not
sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken
soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in
the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve
never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be ….. good in bed.
Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one
tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love
her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether
she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want
to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe.
(#1059) Knowledge is a wonderful thing
Rose has filed for divorce. When she and
Sam finally attend the court hearing, the judge asks her, "So what do you
find wrong with your husband?"
"Well, among other things, your honour,
he lies; he’s aggressive; he steals my money; and he’s poor in bed. In
fact he’s a bit of a shlemazel(*)."
"Those are serious allegations," says
the judge, "can you prove them?"
"Prove them?" replies Rose, "I don’t have
to, your honour, everyone knows what Sam is like."
"If you knew all of this," asks the judge,
"why on earth did you marry him?"
"But I didn't know it before I married
him," replies Rose.
Sam then shouts out, "She did too, your
honour."
(*) An unlucky person /
clumsy oaf
(#1060) Appreciation
Gary, a financial advisor, is talking
to one of his elderly lady clients about her recent purchase of £100,000
worth of Marks and Spencer shares.
"Rivkah, do you remember your recent investment
in Marks and Spencer? Well, I’ve just heard that they are going to split."
"Oy vay, vat a pity," she replies sadly,
"I'm really very upset to hear about it - especially as they’ve been together
for such a long time."
(#1061) A visit to the butcher
Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some
pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So,
Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful
nine pound baby boy."
Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded
kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?"
(#1062) Deja vu
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy,
the synagogue president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "I’ve just heard the
news. I’m really sorry that you’ve decided to leave us."
"Don’t worry," says Rabbi Morris, "you’ll
have nothing to worry about. I’m going to recommend a successor whom I
believe will be better than me."
"But that’s exactly what’s worrying me,"
says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing."
(#1063) Absolutely certain
As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office,
there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering
you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for
one man to make money from another man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies
Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?"
asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive,"
replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this,
Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you please return the £300 I gave
you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"
(#1064) Reasons for divorce
Rose goes to see Max, her solicitor, and
says, "I want to divorce my Harry.”
"Why do you want to do that?" Max asks,
"I thought you said he was a man of rare gifts.
"He is," replies Rose, he’s never given
me a present in twenty years of marriage.”
"Very funny, Rose. Is there another reason
why you want a divorce?" asks Max.
"Yes there is," replies Rose, "I want
a divorce because of his appearance."
"That’s an unusual reason," says Max.
"Not really," says Rose, "Harry hasn’t
put in an appearance at home for four years.
(#1065) House move
Little Esther is talking to her friend
Rebecca. “Have you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last
Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, it’s a much bigger house than
the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my
poor mum – she’s still in with dad."
(#1066) Business advice
Hymie and Sadie are on holiday in Italy
and on one of the duller days decide to go on a coach tour of Rome. They
were having a nice relaxed time when their guide points out the Colosseum
to them.
"Well Sadie," says Hymie, "isn’t that
a perfect example of what I’ve been telling everyone for ages? If you don’t
have sufficient capital, you mustn’t begin to build."
(#1067) Community warning
Watch out!
We have reason to believe that there’s
a one-fingered Jewish pickpocket operating in your area.
He specialises in stealing bagels.
(#1068) Riddle
Q: What's the difference between what
you squeeze out of a lemon and members of a religious Jewish movement?
A: One is acidic juice and the other is
Hassidic Jews.
(#1069) Eagle eyes
Issy comes home from work. As usual, he
just drops his jacket on the chair in their hallway. As usual, his wife
Freda picks it up. Just as she’s about to hang it up in the cloakroom,
she notices something on the jacket.
"Issy," she shrieks at him, "There’s a
long grey hair on your jacket. You been to your mother's to get sympathy
again, haven’t you?"
(#1070) The quick thinker
Ethel and Leah meet at Brent Cross shopping
centre and sit down on a bench to chat. After a few minutes have gone by,
Ethel suddenly says, "Oy vay, Leah, just look at the face of that poor
boy coming towards us. His mouth is so misshapen that it makes his lips
stand out. And his chin – what a double chin it is. His eyes look at each
other and he’s already loosing his hair."
"That boy you’ve been describing, Ethel,
that boy coming towards us, he is none other than mine son Henry," says
Leah, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, is that Henry?" replies Ethel, "on
him it looks good."
(#1071) A synagogue visit
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in
synagogue. It’s probably true to say that they are not the most religious
of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year – and
this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes
Rabbi Rose’s hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service
today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "It’s nice of you
to say so, Abe, so why don’t you and Sadie come here more often?"
"It’s difficult," replies Abe, "but at
least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's really good to hear," says Rabbi
Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps
6 of them and I keep the other 4."
(#1072) Playtime learning
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden
with his friend Mary. They’re splashing around in his paddling pool and
quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes.
Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says,
"Oy, I just didn't realise there was so much difference between Catholics
and Jews."
(#1073) OK for daddy
Little Henry is on the beach with his
parents in Eastbourne when he says to his mother, "Mummy, can I go swimming
in the sea?"
"No, bubbeleh," she replies, "the water
is too deep and too rough for you."
"But daddy has just gone in," says Henry.
"I know, darling, but your daddy’s insured."
(#1074) It’s a bit fishy
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming
pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short
lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "we’ve
checked our records and we can’t find any evidence that you obtained council
approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didn’t know
I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really
required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed
it’s required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before it’s built.
Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front
of you is really an ornamental pond."
"I’m not stupid," says the inspector,
"a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed
it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration
plant at the end of the garden. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "it’s a gefilte
fish pond."
go to forty-ninth
set
Comments
(#1075) Wear it for 3 weeks
[My thanks to Jack L for
the following]
Rivkah wakes up one morning and utters
a loud "Oy Vay." She has a nagging pain in her left shoulder. She immediately
goes to see her doctor.
After examining her, her doctor says,
"Do you own a full length mink coat?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one
for our silver wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, my shoulder has cleared, but I now have a pain in my left
index finger."
After examining her, he says, "Do you
own a 3 or 4 carat diamond ring?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me a 4
carat ring to celebrate the birth of Moshe, our first grandson."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, my finger is OK but I'm now getting terrible headaches behind
my eyes."
After examining her, he says, "Do you
own a platinum and diamond tiara?"
"Yes doctor, mine Hymie bought me one
to wear under the chuppah at our Sarah's wedding."
"Good," he says, "you must wear it for
3 weeks, then book to see me again."
Rivkah returns after three weeks and says,
"Well doctor, it’s a miracle. My shoulder feels great, my finger feels
great and I'm not getting any further headaches. Thank you very, very much.
But I have one question to ask you."
"What is it Rivkah?" asks her doctor.
"Doctor, how do you treat your non Jewish
patients?"
(#1076) The important discussion
[My thanks to Stephen for
the following]
Leah and Rose always meet every week at
Brent Cross shopping centre and always end up having a light lunch at John
Lewis. One day over lunch, Leah says to Rose, "All we ever seem to do is
talk about the unimportant things in life. Today, for example, we’ve talked
about the rudeness of our local kosher butcher, what the weather’s like
in Bournemouth, and our Rabbi’s recent poor sermon. Next time we meet,
why don’t we have a serious discussion on world affairs?"
"A good idea," says Rose.
So the following week, while they are
waiting for their lunch to arrive, Rose says, "So lets talk already."
Leah says, "OK. What do you think about
the situation with Red China?"
Rose replies, "Not much - it won’t go
with your green tablecloth."
(#1077) Life’s little problems
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
One day, as Rachel is cleaning her daughter's
bedroom, she notices a letter on the pillow addressed to her. With a worried
feeling, Rachel reads the letter. This is what it said.
Dear Mum,
I’m sorry to have to tell you this
but I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. He’s so different, Mum. What with
his pierced tongue, his tattoos and his big motorcycle, I’ve found real
passion with him. But that’s not all. I'm pregnant. But don’t worry,
Mick says that we will be very happy living in his caravan. He even shares
my dream of having a big family and he wants to have more children with
me.
He’s very clever as well. He’s taught
me how to grow marijuana and I agree with him that it doesn't hurt anyone.
So we'll be growing it not only for us but also all his friends.
Don't worry about our finances. Mick
has arranged for me to appear in some homemade video films. I can earn
£150 per scene, more if there are three men involved. But don't worry,
I'm 15 years old and know how to take care of myself.
In the meantime, Mum, please pray that
science will soon find a cure for AIDS. Mick deserves to get better.
Love Rebecca
PS This letter is
not true – it’s all make believe. Actually, I'm at our neighbour's house.
I just wanted to prove to you that there are worse things in life than
denting your Lexus car.
(#1078) Chanukah cards
Sadie is holidaying in Israel and goes
to the post office for some stamps for her Chanukah cards. "Can I have
50 Chanukah stamps please?"
"Of course," says the clerk, "what denomination?"
"Oy vay," says Sadie, "has it come to
this already? OK, give me 14 liberal, 28 reform and 8 orthodox stamps
please."
(#1079) Career mapping
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Abe and his young son Sam are in synagogue
one shabbos morning when Sam says, "When I grow up, dad, I want to be a
Rabbi."
"That's OK with me, Sam, but what made
you decide that?"
"Well," says Sam, "as I have to go to
shul on shabbos anyway, I figure it will be more fun to stand up and shout
than to sit down and listen."
(#1080) Man versus machine
On his way to work one morning, Nathan
arrives at Mill Hill station a bit early. While he’s waiting for his train,
he notices a new machine on the platform – the sign on it says it’s a state-of-the-art
talking weighing machine. So Nathan stands on it, puts in a £1 coin
and the machine says, "You weigh 160 pounds and you are Jewish."
Nathan can’t believe what he’s just heard.
So he gets on it again and inserts another £1 coin. "You weigh 160
pounds, you are Jewish and you’re waiting for the 7.35am train to take
you to your job at Rothschild’s Bank."
He is totally shocked, but he’s determined
to beat the machine. He goes into the Gents toilet, ruffles up his hair,
puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, removes his tie, takes off his jacket
and drapes it over his arm, and puts a first aid plaster on his chin.
He then goes back outside, steps on the machine and puts in another £1
coin. The machine instantly says, "You’re still Jewish and weigh 160 pounds.
You’re also a shmuck(*). While you’ve been testing me out, you’ve just
missed your train."
(*) shmuck – stupid ass
(#1081) A round excuse
Benjy the dentist was also a golf fanatic
and would often take time off work for a round of golf. One day, he told
his secretary to cancel all his appointments. She was also to leave the
following voice mail message on his phone: -
‘Dr Benjamin is fully occupied today as
he needs to fill 18 cavities. Please ring tomorrow for an appointment.
Thank you.’
(#1082) Jewish Eskimos?
Issy and Daniel, the well-known anthropologists,
were having a discussion. "Daniel, do you think there are any Jewish Eskimos
about?"
"I don’t know," replies Daniel, "but why
don’t we go see for ourselves?"
Two weeks later they’re in Alaska. As
they ask around, they are consistently directed to one particular, very
ornate igloo. When they go inside, they find a family of four Eskimos sitting
around an ice table munching candles - and they weren’t ordinary candles.
From the cardboard boxes on the table, Issy and Daniel could clearly see
that they were Yahrtzeit candles.
Surprised by this revelation, Issy turns
to the Eskimo father and says, "We’ve noticed the candles - are you Jewish
by any chance?"
"No," came the reply, "we just like Jewish
food."
(#1083) The homecoming surprise
Yitzhak was not the kind of person you
would expect any sympathy from. Whenever something bad happened to anyone,
he would always shrug his shoulders and say, "Well, look on the bright
side - it could have been worse."
One day, something terrible happened to
the married couple living next door to Yitzhak - the husband came home
early from work and caught his wife in bed with another man, so he shot
both his wife and her lover, then killed himself.
Soon, crowds began to gather in the street
and many were in a state of shock. But as usual, Yitzhak shrugged his shoulders
and said, "Well, look on the bright side - it could have been worse."
They all recoiled in horror. "Don’t be
so stupid," they told him, "how on earth could it have been any worse?"
Yitzhak replied, "Well, if the husband
had come home early yesterday instead of today, I would be dead now."
(#1084) Fairy story
Rebecca is nine years old and is doing
her homework. Suddenly, she gets up, goes to her father and says, "Daddy,
could you please tell me what ‘frugal’ means."
"Yes, of course, replies her father, "it
means something like - to save."
Rebecca thanks him and goes back to her
homework. Later, her father goes over to see how she’s getting on. He’s
reading her story when he comes across the following: -
‘The beautiful princess Sarah
slipped on the wet grass and fell into the lake. As she couldn’t swim she
starting shouting out, "Frugal me. Oh please, someone frugal me."
Luckily for princess Sarah, the handsome
prince David was riding by and he quickly frugalled her. They then lived
happily ever after.
The End.’
(#1085) The offer
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following]
Avrahom is a 50 year-old single guy who
owns a successful gift shop in Edgware. He is very rich. One day, he somehow
gets confused about how to pay an invoice he’s just received, so he asks
Sylvia, his secretary, to come into his office.
Avrahom sits her down next to him and
says, "Sylvia, if I were to give you £22,000, minus 17.5%, how much
would you take off?"
Sylvia pauses, looks him up and down and
replies, "Everything but my jewellery."
(#1086) Yes it’s true
Nathan meets his friend Harry in the Edgware
Bagel Factory. "I hear that your mother-in-law has sold her house and moved
in with you. Is this true Harry?"
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"And I also hear that she’s recently become
quite ill," says Nathan.
"Yes it’s true," replies Harry.
"In fact, I hear that she’s so ill that
she’s been taken into hospital," says Nathan.
"Yes its true," replies Harry.
"So how long has she been in hospital?"
asks Nathan.
"In two days time, please God, it will
be 2 weeks," replies Harry.
(#1087) Good advice
Abe is in a terrible state and goes to
see Dr Myers, his psychiatrist.
"Doctor, I need your help in a big way.
I feel very suicidal. What should I do?"
Doctor Myers replies, "You must pay me
in advance."
(#1088) Motherly advice
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away - you
want a nosebleed?"
(#1089) Top Internet acronyms
LOL:
Laugh out loud
BRB:
Be right back
MG:
Oh my god
VBG:
Very big grin
OTOH:
On the other hand
GMTA:
Great minds think alike
A/S/L:
Age, sex, location
SITD:
Still in the dark
IMHO:
In my humble opinion
ROTFLMAO: Rolling on
the floor, laughing my arse off
(#1090) For computer nerds only
There are 10 types of people in the world
- those who understand binary and those who don’t.
(#1091) Sign in butcher’s window
Strictly Kosher
The shochet kills himself every morning
(#1092) Wrong start
Morry was a newly qualified English teacher
and the first job he was given was to teach English to prisoners inside
Wormwood Scrubs jail. His problem was that he had no idea of the prisoners’
level of education. So to get round this, he decided to begin his first
class by asking a basic question, "Okay guys, who can tell me what a sentence
is?"
(#1093) Progressive discussion
Rabbis Levy, Samuel and Kosiner were ‘progressive’
reform rabbis and were talking one day about the recent advances made by
their synagogues. Rabbi Levy said, "we’re very modern – we allow mobile
phones to be used during services - we even have re-charging points all
over the synagogue."
"Well," said Rabbi Samuel," we’ve installed
a snack bar at the back of the synagogue for those who feel hungry or thirsty
during services – we serve falafel in pitta and hot salt beef with latkes
and new green cucumbers."
"That’s nothing to what we do, my friends,"
said Rabbi Kosiner, "we close our synagogue for the Jewish holidays."
(#1094) A woman’s lament
Becky was talking to Shlomo. "Oy vay,
Shlomo."
"What’s wrong, Becky?" he asks.
"I was thinking about myself this morning
and I couldn’t believe just how things have got worse now that I’m chronologically
challenged(*). I'm living with osteoporosis and my kidneys are so bad that
I have to have regular dialysis. I have terrible circulation in my feet
and can’t feel my toes. I’ve survived a triple-heart bypass operation and
had both my hips replaced. I’m loosing the sight in my right eye and my
hearing is terrible. I’ve got a new left knee and the other one is deteriorating."
"And that’s not all, Shlomo. I’m sure
I’m suffering from senile dementia – I can't remember whether I'm 73 or
79. I’m also sure I’m suffering from senile dementia – I can't remember
whether I'm 73 or 79."
"But I continue to survive, Shlomo - at
a price! As a result of the 50 daily medications I take to live from day
to day, I suffer from diarrhoea, wind, dizziness and sometimes even blackouts.
But, my dear Shlomo, thank God I still have my driver's license."
(*) chronologically challenged – old
go to fiftieth set
Comments
(#1095) Up in the air
Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor
Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with
her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can
only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers
has to tell her, "We’re getting nowhere, Sadie. You’re too secretive. I’ll
try just once more – please reply quickly to the questions I’m going to
ask you or I won’t be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abe’s
face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"We’re making progress at last," says
doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe’s face
while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger
on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we’re
nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe’s face while you were
making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly
what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking
at me through the bedroom window."
(#1096) Honest talking
Shlomo, who was regarded as one of the
best paid insurance salesman around, was talking to a prospect. "How much
life insurance do you have?"
"£15,000." came the reply.
"So," said Shlomo, "how long do you think
you can stay dead on that kind of gelt?"
(#1097) The magnificent symphony
God is so disenchanted with all the noisy
earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about
it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he
finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself,
‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony
performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians
of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece.
No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives
and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front
of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then
the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year,
but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even
more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years,
no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is
the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part
- one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony.
And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note?
It’s none other than Moshe. Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such
an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue
- he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments
are hushed. Moshe swings and ….. Oy Gevalt, he misses. There
is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up
from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand
for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”
(#1098) The gold spoon
As the catering staff are clearing up
after Benjy’s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons
is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell
the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe,
"But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? We’ll just have to keep quiet about
it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels
one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi
Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi,
I’ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons
missing from Benjy’s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didn’t you
ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjy’s tefillin bag. He obviously
hasn’t opened it since his barmitzvah day."
(#1099) Jewish sayings
[My thanks to Malcolm S
for the following]
1. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked
salmon.
2. Before you read the menu, read the
prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
3. But if you can afford it, make sure
you tell everybody what you paid.
4. No meal is complete without leftovers.
5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be
eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
7. If it tastes good, it's probably not
kosher.
8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means
your daughter is marrying out.
9. A shmata is a dress that your husband's
ex is wearing.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating
a thousand times.
11. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after
that, how about a nice cruise?
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would
need therapy?
15. The High Holidays have absolutely
nothing to do with marijuana.
(#1100) Progress
Hetty was just about to make herself a
cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there
stood a smartly dressed man.
"Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a
Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him,
"I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join
me?"
Very surprised, he agreed.
After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going
to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time
at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to
eat, we can talk later."
He was shocked at this kind offer. But
again he agreed.
When they had finished eating, Hetty said,
"OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all
about the Jehovah Witness movement?"
He was totally surprised by this and replied,
"I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."
(#1101) A riddle
Q. What is the plural for yenta?
A. Hadassah
(#1102) Spend, spend, spend
Freda comes back from her trip to Brent
Cross shopping centre and tells her Moshe that she’s just bought another
new designer dress.
"What? You must be joking," Moshe shouts
at her. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do
you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"
"I may be many things, darling," Freda
replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."
(#1103) The funeral discussion
Friends and family were at Finchley cemetery
for Moshe’s funeral. Just before the funeral service commenced, Rabbi Zeller
goes over to Ruth, a very elderly widow, and asks, "So how old was Moshe?"
"He was 99, kin-a-hora," replies Ruth,
"two years older than me."
"So you must be 97?" says Rabbi Zeller.
Ruth replies, "Yes, hardly worth going
back home is it?"
(#1104) A fishy story
As Moses and the children of Israel were
crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they
were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the
walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some
fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends
were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from
the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for
the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer
with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of
Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal
that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part
in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the
fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for
he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
(#1105) Mother’s 11th commandment
Of the beasts of the field, and of the
fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight, you
may eat - but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and
of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
colour and unknown provenance you may eat - but not in the living room.
Of frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat - but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea,
even of those in non-spill cups, you may drink - but not in the living
room (and neither may you carry such therein).
Indeed, when you reach the place where
the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not
eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick and are lying down and
watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
(#1106) Try harder
Becky is having lunch with Hannah, the
world’s most perfect ‘Princess’.
Becky says, "My Moshe is just impossible.
Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Hymie hard to
please?"
Hannah shrugs and replies, "I wouldn't
know. I've never tried."
(#1107) Danger – English spoken here
[My thanks to Diane M for
the following]
Fact#1: The Japanese eat very little fat
- and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#2: The Japanese drink very little
red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#3: The Italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#4: The Germans drink lots of beers
and eat lots of sausages and fats – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
Fact#5: The French eat a lot of fat –
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: You can eat and drink
what you like. It’s speaking English that apparently kills you.
Isn’t it a relief to know the truth after
all those conflicting medical studies?
(#1108) The Top Jewish Country &
Western Songs
[My thanks to Ed K for the
following]
Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been
Short With Me
Four Thousand Years of Sufferin' and I Had
to Marry You
Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking
My Heart
I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went
and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now I'm All
Cut Up)
I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose
Somebody Else)
I'm Dancin' the Hora Alone
I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted
the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be
Gentiles
Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow
Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the
Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start
and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything
Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)
My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt
My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight
My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
Stand by Your Mensch
That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like
a Goniff
The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew
She Meant 'Goodbye'
The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!
Why Don't We Get Drunk? - We're Jews
You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin
You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since
that Rabbi Came to Town
Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes
(#1109) Another riddle
Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl being
promiscuous?
A: Marry her!
(#1110) Letters to God written by children
Dear God, Did you mean the giraffe to look
like that or was it a mistake?
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Dear God, Who drew the lines around the countries?
Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed
right in the synagogue. Was that OK?
Dear God, Thanks for my baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God, It rained during our whole holiday
and my father was so mad he said some things about you that he shouldn’t
have. Please don’t hurt him.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked
for anything before. You can look it up.
Dear God, If we come back as something, please
don't let me be Jennifer Levy, because I hate her.
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy
when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even
when I'm not praying.
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to
love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family
and I can never do it.
Dear God, Of all the people who worked for
you, I like Noah and David the best.
Dear God, My brothers told me about being
born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Dear God, I read Thomas Edison made light.
But in Hebrew school, I learned that you did it. I bet he stole your idea.
Dear God, I don't think anybody could be a
better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this
because you are God already.
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
(#1111) My Yiddishe Momma - 3
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following extensions to #99 and #545]
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get
home!"
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll
never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you
think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you!"
(#1112) Princess quickies
Q: There once was a Princess who
wouldn’t allow certain four-letter words to be spoken in her house.
What were those words?
A: "iron," "dust," "cook," "wash,"
...
Q: What is a Princess’s favourite
position?
A: Facing Brent Cross Shopping Centre
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were both Jewish,
do you know what Cheetah would be? A: A fur coat.
Q: Who was it who asked a Princess
seven times to get married?
A: Her mother
(#1113) Walking away from dinner
Yetta and Sarah, both well known braggers,
meet one Sunday at Brent Cross shopping centre. "I held a fantastic dinner
party last night," says Yetta, "my guests had so much good food and wine
available to them that when they left to walk over to their cars, they
were all doubled-over."
Without missing a beat, Sarah replies,
"From your house they could walk?"
(#1114) Yet another riddle
Q: What does Sadie do with her headache
each morning?
A: She sends him to work
go to fifty-first
set
Comments
(#1115) Advice for the ladies
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten
Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says,
"I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has
been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body."
A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the
ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know,"
the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now
firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental.
So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to
be learned. Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them
that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make
a little wiggle."
(#1116) Tradition
[My thanks to Leonie L for
the following]
Rabbi Gold is conducting his very first
service at one of London’s oldest synagogues. All is going well until he
gets to the ‘Shema’ prayer - only half his congregation stand up. Those
still seated start yelling ‘sit down’ to those standing and those standing
start yelling ‘stand up’ to those sitting. Although Rabbi Bloom is knowledgeable
about much of the law, he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks it must be
something to do with the synagogue’s tradition.
After the service, Rabbi Bloom consults
Abe, the synagogue’s oldest member. "I need to know, Abe, what the synagogue’s
tradition is with regard to the Shema prayer. Is the tradition to stand
during this prayer?"
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"So the tradition is to sit during Shema?"
says Rabbi Bloom.
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"But," says Rabbi Bloom, "my congregation
argue all the time. They yell at each other about whether they should sit
or stand and ..."
Abe interrupts, exclaiming, "Aha, THAT
is the tradition!"
(#1117) Advice from awordinyoureye
Remember, you don't stop laughing because
you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
(#1118) What did you say?
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Sam’s daughter says to him one day, "Dad,
as you’re coming up to 80, why don’t you go see doctor Seigal and get him
to give you a full medical? You haven’t been yourself ever since Mum died."
"OK," says Sam. And sure enough, a week
later, he has a full health check.
Three days afterwards, doctor Seigal is
surprised to see Sam walking towards him in Edgware High Street with a
beautiful, sexy looking lady on his arm. She looks no more than 30. When
they meet, doctor Seigal says, "It’s nice to see you Sam. When you have
a moment, why don’t you call me? I have something I need to discuss with
you."
"OK doctor," says Sam, "I’ll call you
this afternoon."
When Sam rings later that day, doctor
Seigal says to him, "I see that you’ve decided to start seeing other women,
Sam."
"Yes doctor," replies Sam, "I’m doing
what you suggested when you said ‘get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’"
"But that’s not what I said, Sam," says
doctor Seigal, "I told you that ‘you've got a heart murmur... be careful.’"
(#1119) A night out
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Issy decides to go out for the evening.
He might be nearly 90 years of age but Issy still thinks of himself as
one of God’s gifts to the ladies. He gets himself ready in the usual manner
and then looks at himself in the mirror. What does he see? He sees a handsome,
mature, smartly dressed gentleman in a great looking modern suit, a carnation
in his lapel, well groomed hair and sparkling eyes. Issy is pleased with
what he sees. He finishes by spraying on his favourite Eau Savage cologne
and then makes his way to the Park Lane Hilton.
Seated at the Hilton bar is Becky, in
her mid eighties. Issy walks over, sits besides her, and orders a drink.
When it arrives, he takes a sip, turns to Becky and says, "So tell me,
do I come here often?"
(#1120) The blind date
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Yitzhak is on his way to pick up his blind
date. Little does he know that he has been paired up with Estelle, who,
if truth be told, is definitely not one of the world’s good looking women
- in fact quite the opposite.
Yitzhak picks her up as arranged outside
Kings Cross station and as soon as she gets into his car, he knows he has
made a big mistake. He is so embarrassed to have Estelle in his car with
him and so afraid that one of his friends might see them together and think
he’s gone blind, that he drives to a dark desolate spot by the Thames and
turns off the engine.
Unfortunately, Estelle jumps to the wrong
conclusion. She thinks Yitzhak wants to make love to her. So she begins
to talk dirty and use all her sexual wiles to try and get Yitzhak in a
ravenous mood for sex. But he just sits staring out of the window, wishing
time would fly.
Finally, after half an hour of trying,
and boy, how she talked and talked, Estelle asks him, "Don't you want it"?
And Yitzhak replies, "I feel like I already
had it."
(#1121) Would a Jewish mother say such
things?
"If you’re good, I’ll buy you a motorbike
for your birthday."
"Of course it’s OK to walk to school. There
are only 3 main roads to cross."
"Get closer to the screen. How can you see
the TV sitting so far back?"
"There’s no need to wear a jacket tonight,
it's not that cold out."
"Could you turn the music up a bit louder,
please, so I can enjoy it too?"
"Run and bring me the scissors darling. And
hurry up."
"I don't have a tissue with me. Why don’t
you just use your sleeve."
"Well, if Sam’s mother says it's OK, then
that's good enough for me."
"If your wife wants you to move overseas to
live near her family, it's OK with me, darling."
"You really don't have to call me every week.
I know how busy you are."
"Just live with him, you don't have to marry
him."
"Mother's day, Schmother's day, just go to
the cinema and enjoy yourselves."
"You’re really so lucky to have your in-laws.
They’re very nice people."
"Let me smell your shirt - OK, it’s good for
at least another week."
"Could you leave the lights on please - it
makes the house more cheerful."
(#1122) The question
Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws
for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young
man, can you support a family?"
Howard is surprised by this question and
replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I can’t. But I’m only planning to support
your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without
my help."
(#1123) Age has no barrier
4 year old David is having tea at his
grandma’s. After he finishes his smoked salmon bagel and almond Danish,
he goes over to her and asks, "Bubbeh how old are you?"
With a smile on her face, his bubbeh replies,
"I’m 42, darling - and holding."
David thinks about this reply for a moment,
then asks, "And how old would you be, bubbeh, if you let go?"
(#1124) Growing old riddle number 1
Q. Can a pea last for 1,000 years?
A. It seems that way sometimes.
(#1125) Growing old riddle number 2
Q. Which of our five senses diminishes
as we get older?
A. Our sense of decency.
(#1126) Growing old riddle number 3
Q. As we grow older, do we tend to gesture
more or less with our hands while talking?
A. Ask me one more growing old riddle
and I'll give you a gesture you won’t forget in a hurry.
(#1127) A pain in the mouth
Maurice wakes up with a terrible pain
in his mouth and books an emergency appointment to see Adrian, his dentist.
When Maurice gets into the chair, Adrian checks his teeth and says, "You’ve
got a badly decayed molar which really needs to be extracted right away.
Are you OK with injections?"
"No, I'm afraid of needles," replies Maurice.
"How about gas?" asks Adrian.
"No, I'm allergic to gas. I come out in
a terrible rash," replies Maurice.
Adrian then says, "I have an idea. Wait
here while I get something."
When he returns, Adrian gives Maurice
a glass of water and two blue pills.
"What kind of pills are these?" Maurice
asks.
"They’re just ordinary Viagra pills,"
replies Adrian.
"What? Will these deaden the pain?"
"No," replies Adrian, "they won't help
your pain at all, but they will give you something to hold onto whilst
I extract your tooth."
(#1128) The singer
Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders
Green and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is
there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a
very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing
bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie,
"I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best
singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing.
I’ll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach
a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, "I hope you’re not wasting your
time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won’t make me
feel obliged to buy this canary if it’s not a real singing canary."
Hymie brings down the cage, places it
on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one
beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What
mazel (luck) - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts
out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me,
or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies,
"Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
(#1129) Clever, or what?
[My thanks to Howard K for
the following]
Moshe, Reilly, Sean and Rowan had been
best of friends for over 10 years when unfortunately, Rowan is killed in
a car crash. The next day, the three remaining friends are looking at Rowan’s
body in his coffin.
Reilly says, "You know, Rowan was such
a great guy and friend to me that I don’t want him to go empty handed.
I’m going to give him £500."
With that, he takes out £500 in
notes and throws them into the coffin.
Then Sean says, "I agree with you. I’ll
match your gift."
And Sean throws £500 in notes into
the coffin.
Moshe says, "I liked him more than you
two, so I’m going to give him £1,000."
With that, Moshe writes out a cheque for
£2,000, throws it into the coffin and takes out £1,000 change.
(#1130) How we interpret words
1. VULNERABLE
Female Fully opening up, emotionally,
to another.
Male Playing cricket without a cup.
2. COMMUNICATION
Female Sharing thoughts and feelings,
openly, with one's partner.
Male Leaving a note before going
off to golf with the boys.
3. FLATULENCE
Female An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male A source of entertainment,
self-expression, male bonding.
4. COMMITMENT
Female A desire to get married to this
one and raise a family.
Male Trying hard not to look at
other women whilst out with this one.
5. MAKING LOVE
Female The greatest expression of intimacy
a couple can achieve.
Male Call it anything you want,
as long as we do it.
(#1131) I know everything
Sharon is driving her 6year old daughter
Emma to her friend’s house for tea. On the way, Emma asks, "How old are
you, mummy?"
"Why darling," says Sharon, "you’re not
supposed to ask a woman her age. It’s not polite."
"OK," says Emma, "how much do you weigh,
mummy?"
"Really, Emma," says Sharon, "that’s a
very personal question."
Emma carries on, "Why did you and daddy
get divorced, mummy?"
"OK, that’s enough questions for today
darling. Anyway, we’re here now. Lets take you inside."
Later, Emma and her friend are playing
upstairs whilst their mothers are finishing tea.
"My mummy won’t tell me anything about
her," Emma says to her friend.
"All you need do," says her friend, "is
look at your mum’s driver’s license. It’s just like a report card, it has
everything you need to know about her on it."
Later, soon after they return home, Emma
says, "I know how old you are, mummy, you’re 30."
Sharon is surprised. "How did you know
that, darling?"
"I also know, mummy, that you weigh 10
stone 3 pounds."
Sharon is even more surprised. "How did
you find that out, darling?"
"I know everything, mummy," says Emma,
"I even know why you and daddy got divorced."
"OK," says Sharon, "so tell me why we
got divorced."
"Because you got an F in sex."
(#1132) A chronologically challenged
(i.e. elderly) woman speaks up
"Any woman can have the body of a 21 year
old. All we need do is buy him a few drinks first."
"My memory is not as good as it used to be.
Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be."
"I found a way to prevent sagging. I eat till
the wrinkles fill out."
"I've still got it, but nobody wants to see
it."
"I'm into swing dancing. Not on purpose,
some parts of my body are just prone to swinging."
"It's scary when I start making the same noises
as my coffee maker."
"I think I might have reached my sexpiration
date."
"As I age, men still look at my boobs, but
they have to squat down first."
"Half the stuff in my shopping trolley these
days says, ‘For fast relief.’"
"I don't think of it as getting hot flashes.
I think of it as my inner child playing with matches."
"I don’t let aging get me down, it's too hard
to get back up."
(#1133) Scientific fact
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Did you know that the human body has a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the toches? It is called the anal optic
nerve. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your toches and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
(#1134) A butcher joke
Shlomo walks into ‘Harry Kosher Butchers’,
goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you’re something of
a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "You’re a tall man,
so I bet you £50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging
on those hooks up on that wall."
"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you
were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are
too high!"
go to fifty-second
set
Comments
(#1135) Following orders
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting
in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, ask for two
glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches
from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with
what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both
one of our snacks free of charge. My customers won’t mind, seeing you are
Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each
other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their
shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches and carry on eating.
(#1136) Music wins the day
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who
feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult
to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends
much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been
searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him.
Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto
the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the
two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you
a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different
girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let
me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman.
"Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking
great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also
keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15
and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly
woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is
as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked
and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not
be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class
degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll
be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon
at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although
Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses
Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon,
Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at
him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness
sake, sing a little something."
(#1137) The synagogue service
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever
since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 60th birthday,
spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to ‘become’
a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly
40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens
attentively to the Rabbi’s sermon, especially the bit at the end when the
Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over
to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately
I won’t be able to attend next week. But please don’t think I will be shirking
my duties – I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down
for £20 for the flood victims."
(#1138) The 3 sons
Issy leaves school and decides to open
a small grocery store in Hendon. He’s good to his customers and the store
does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married.
A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs
the Bris and charges Issy £50.
Over the next 12 months, his business
begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It
too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second
boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and
who this time charges him £250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more
supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home
again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once
again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the
services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges
Issy £1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says
to Dr Myers, "Over the time we’ve been using you, your charges have increased
by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because I’m wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not.
My £50 charge was for a Bris, my £250 charge was for a ritual
circumcision and my £1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."
(#1139) Anniversary surprise
It’s Henry and Diane’s second wedding
anniversary and for a surprise, Henry decides to send some flowers to her
office. He even instructs the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number
2"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but
not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. You're
Number 2"
(#1140) The beggar
Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street
one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John
Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish,
"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"
Moshe notices that the beggar is always
smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks
them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note
in his hat.
"Why thank you very much sir," says the
beggar, "you are very generous."
"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have
a family?"
"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have
a lovely family."
"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.
"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful
girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."
"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they
won’t support you," says Moshe.
"But they would support me if I let them,"
says the beggar.
"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.
"What, and lose my hard won independence?"
replies the beggar.
(#1141) The home help
Naomi was happily married with two lovely
boys. When she gave birth for the third time, her mother came over to stay
with the family to help out. The two boys were excited that their bubbeh
was coming - they always got on well with her.
The first thing bubbeh did was to go out
and buy some of her own favourite cleaning materials so that, throughout
her stay, Naomi’s house would be spotless. Bubbeh scrubbed the kitchen,
bathrooms and toilets, vacuumed the carpets and polished the silver. Soon,
the smell of bubbeh’s cleansers, polishes and air fresheners was everywhere.
After two months, bubbeh went back to
her own house, her job done. A few days later, Naomi used one of bubbeh’s
cleansers to remove a greasy mark from her kitchen worktop. She had just
put away the cleanser when her youngest son came into the kitchen and said,
"Where's bubbeh, mummy?"
"She’s back at her own house now," said
Naomi, "don't you remember we took her to the station?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he
asked.
(#1142) Bible marketing
Abe is in New York on business. On his
3rd night, he goes back to his hotel room feeling quite miserable. Although
the trip’s going well, business-wise, he’s feeling very lonely - he’s missing
his wife Sarah.
He casually picks up the Gideon bible
from his bedside table and opens it. On the first page, he reads: -
"If you’re sick, read Psalm 18."
"If you’re troubled, read Psalm 45."
"If you’re lonely, read Psalm 92."
"If you’re ………"
That’s it! He stops there, immediately
turns to Psalm 92 and starts to read. How surprised he is, then, when he
gets to the end of the Psalm, to see someone has written: -
"If you’re still lonely, why don’t you
call Fifi on 202-123-1234."
(#1143) Customer service
Joshua worked for "Levine’s Tailors" and
was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as
a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into
the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned
to join the police force.
His father couldn’t understand why his
son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshua’s
first week, he rang Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
"Well dad," Joshua replied, "It’s nice
of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours aren't as bad as
I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I
like best is that the customer is always wrong."
(#1144) A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling
very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make
that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldn’t
help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So what’s with the shaking, Aaron?” asked
Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage,"
he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time.
My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Don’t worry, Aaron,
yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. You’ve got
PMS."
"I’ve got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "You’ve got a
dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."
(#1145) A cut above the rest
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in
a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed
a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried
that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He
now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty,
who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice
cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty,
"but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want
the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says
Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer
you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M
at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
(#1146) Morning joy
Renee and Daniel have been married for
over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good night’s sleep.
As usual, Daniel reaches over and takes her hand in his.
"Don't touch me," says Renee.
"Why not, my dear?" replies a shocked
Daniel.
"Because," says Renee, "I'm dead."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
says Daniel, "We're both lying here in bed together and we’re talking to
one another. How can you be dead?"
"But I am, Daniel," says Renee, "I'm definitely
dead. I’m sure of it."
"So what makes you think you're dead?"
asks Daniel.
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing
hurts."
(#1147) I can’t wait
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket
in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley,
she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the
check out desk.
"My, you seem to be happy today," says
the cashier.
"Yes I am," replies Naomi, "and I have
every reason to be. I've got a beautiful house in Mayfair, I’ve three handsome
sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband
Abe's life is insured for £5M."
"I’m glad to hear it," says the cashier.
"Yes, and that’s not all," says Naomi,
"my Abe is not in the best of health."
(#1148) New policy
There’s a new car insurance policy written
especially for Jewish mothers. It’s called the "My Fault" policy.
(#1149) What a day
Harry came home from work one day and
said to his wife, "Kitty, just for once, please, don't start telling me
about all the troubles you encountered today. Instead, why don't you ask
what happened to me today?"
Kitty remained silent.
"So ask already," said Harry, "what kind
of day did I have? Go on, just ask will you."
Kitty relented. "OK Harry, so what happened?"
At this, Harry buried his head in his
hands, moaned and said, "What happened? Oy Vay, Kitty, better you shouldn't
ask."
(#1150) The pain
Moshe was known to all his friends as
a hypochondriac. One day he awoke with a pain on his left side and was
convinced that his pain was appendicitis. But his wife Sadie told him that
appendices were on the right side of the body.
"Aha," said Moshe, "so that's why it's
hurting me so much. My appendix is obviously on the wrong side."
(#1151) Mistaken identity
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
As Abe was crossing Golders Green High
Street, he was hit by a car. Fortunately, it was a glancing blow and the
car wasn't moving very fast.
Suddenly, a young priest ran to him and
began to administer last rites, just in case.
"Thank you," Abe said, as he got his breath
back, "but I'm not Catholic, you know."
"What?" said the priest. "But I
saw with my own eyes that you made the sign of the cross as you fell."
"No," Abe explained, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking what?" said the priest.
"Everything important," replied Abe, "spectacles,
testicles, wallet and watch."
(#1152) The results
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for
a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel
aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel,
"but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."
(#1153) Marital problems
[My thanks to Alex S for
the following]
After being married for over 60 years,
Rivkah is filing for divorce against Cyril.
At the court hearing the judge is very
surprised that this seemingly nice elderly couple are experiencing marital
problems. So he turns to Rivkah and asks, "Why do you want a divorce?"
"Vell," replies Rivkah, "Mine husband
is now not alvays very nice to me. And lately it has become unbearable."
"So can you give me an example please?
" asks the judge.
"Yes I can, " replies Rivkah, "Ve both
vear dentures and many times in the last six months, vhen I’m asleep at
night, he steals mine to eat garlic."
(#1154) What the Jewish Buddha says
[My thanks to Hilary A and
Charles K for the following]
The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a single “Oy”
If you wish to know the way, don't ask for
directions, just argue
Take only what is given. Own nothing but your
clothes and a begging bowl - unless, of course, you have wardrobe space.
Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let
your stillness be as a wooded forest. And sit up straight or you'll never
meet the Buddha with a posture like that.
There is no escaping karma. In a previous
life, you never visited, you never called and you never wrote. And whose
fault was that?
Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage,
however, is another story.
Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
But also be aware that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal
illness.
Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe
out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your
problems.
The Tao has no expectations, it demands nothing
of others, it doesn’t speak, it doesn’t blame and doesn’t take sides. The
Tao is not Jewish.
Drink green tea and enhance your life. Experience
joy with the first sip, satisfaction with the second sip and a Danish with
the third sip.
The Buddha teaches us that we should practice
loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it a crime to find
a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
Be patient and you’ll achieve all things.
Be impatient and you’ll achieve all things faster.
In nature, there is no good or bad, better
or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or
short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"
To find the Buddha, look within yourself.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand
times and each blossom has ten thousand petals. Maybe you should see a
specialist?
Let go of pride, ego and opinions. Admit your
errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and
healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.
Though only your skin, sinews and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate
and not stir until you have attained full enlightenment. But
first, a little nosh.
Accept misfortune as a blessing. Don’t wish
for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk
about?
The Torah says, "Love thy neighbour as thyself."
The Buddha says, "there is no self". So maybe you're off the
hook. If there is no self, whose angina is this?
Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
completely.
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain
nothingness. And then what do you have? Bubkes (Something trivial, worthless,
insultingly disproportionate to expectations)
go to fifty-third
set
Comments
(#1155) The end is near
Maurice is in hospital and knows he is
dying. As he lays in bed in his private room, struggling to breathe, his
family and children around him, he starts to talk very quietly.
"Freda," he whispers.
"Yes dear, what is it?" Freda says.
"I want you should know something before
I die. Harry the butcher owes me £100, Levine the pharmacist owes
me £400, and our next door neighbour Moishe owes me £600 and
the return of my lawnmower. Don’t let them off, will you?"
"Of course I won’t, darling," Freda replies.
Freda turns to her children and says,
"Oy, what a wonderful man your father is. Let this be a lesson to you all
- even though he’s dying, he still knows who owes him money. What a mensh
he is."
Then Maurice then finds some strength
to say a bit more. "Freda, I want you also to know that I still owe Bernard,
my cousin, £1,700 of the £5,000 he lent me 3 years ago."
"Oy veh," cries Freda, "it’s nearly the
end for my Maurice – he’s getting delirious."
(#1156) The fast day
[My thanks to Ian O for
the following]
It’s Yom Kippur and Aaron is in synagogue,
but he’s not feeling too good. So during a short break after the Rabbi’s
sermon, he goes over to the Rabbi.
"I really need your help, Rabbi Levy."
"Yes, Aaron, how can I help," says the
Rabbi.
"I obviously know that I’m meant to fast
today, but I’m so, so thirsty. Please, Rabbi, can I have something to drink?"
Rabbi Levy replies in a firm voice, "I’m
sorry, Aaron, but you know the rules - it has to be a life-threatening
situation before I can allow you to break the fast."
"But Rabbi, it is serious," says Aaron,
"if I don't get something to drink, I’ll faint from thirst. Really I will."
After much to-ing and fro-ing, Rabbi Levy
relents and instructs the Gabbai to give Aaron a small glass of water kept
just for such emergencies. As soon as Aaron has drunk the water, he says,
"Thank you Rabbi, I promise you that it will be the last time I'll eat
salt herring for breakfast on Yom Kippur."
(#1157) The school inspector
[My thanks to Jack L for
the following]
In the 1970's, a Russian school inspector
is questioning the children. He points to one of the boys and says, "Who
is your father?"
The boy replies, "The Soviet Union."
He then asks, "Who is your mother?"
"The communist party," came the reply.
"And what do you want to be when you grow
up?"
"I want to be a Stankhanovite worker for
the glory of the state and the party."
The inspector then points to one of the
girls and asks, "Who is your father?"
The girl answers, "The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow
up?"
"A heroine of the Soviet Union raising
lots of children for the state and party."
The inspector looks round and sees a Jewish
boy tucked away at the back trying to look inconspicuous. He points and
says, "What’s your name?"
The boy replies, "Haim Abramovitch."
"Who is your father?"
"The Soviet Union."
"Who is your mother?"
"The communist party."
"And what do you want to be when you grow
up?"
Haim replies, "An orphan."
(#1158) The watch tower
In the middle of a forest is a small town.
It was built far from the main roads and the Jews living there were afraid
that when the Messiah comes, he would not know they were there and would
pass them by. So they build a tower on the edge of town and appoint the
town beggar as watchman. If the Messiah should come, the watchman would
give him directions to the town.
One day a stranger visits the tower and
as instructed, the watchman comes down to greet him.
"What are you doing here in the middle
of nowhere?" asks the stranger.
"My job is to sit on top of this tower
and wait for the Messiah," answers the watchman.
"So how do you like your job?" the stranger
asks, "it can’t pay you much."
"I know," replies the watchman, "but at
least it’s steady work."
(#1159) Riddle
Q: How do Jewish wives prepare their children
for supper?
A: They put them in the car.
(#1160) The birthday pullover
It was Victor’s birthday in a few days
time and his bubbeh goes out to buy him a present. She finds a menswear
shop that was having a half-price sale and buys a luxurious rollneck pullover
for him. Unfortunately, the pullover was for a size 14 neck and Victor
was a size 18.
When Victor receives his present, he immediately
tries it on. He then writes a thank you note to his bubbeh. This is what
he wrote: -
"Dear Bubbeh, Thanks a lot
for the beautiful pullover. I'd write more but I'm all choked up."
(#1161) Better late than never
Max is having a cup of tea in his best
friend Morris’s house. Morris was commenting on the time and the fact that
his wife had not yet returned home from her shopping.
“Beckie’s two hours late, Max.”
“She’s probably been kidnapped or she’s
been involved in a terrible car crash,” replies Max, “or maybe she’s still
shopping.”
“Oy Vay!” says Morris, “I hope she’s not
shopping!”
(#1162) The visitor
Issy has just had a minor operation at
a private hospital and is having a rest when a young, attractive and smartly
dressed woman knocks on his door.
The door opens a bit and a woman’s voice
from within says, "Yes, vat do you vant?"
"Hello," says the young lady, "I have
come to see how Issy’s doing after his operation."
"He’s doing vell, but he’s asleep," says
the voice from within. "Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm his ….sister," replies the young
lady.
"How very nice. I am pleased to meet you.
So for you, I vill wake him up."
With that, she walks over to the bed,
taps Issy on the shoulder and says, "Issy, vake up. Vake up Issy, you shyster.
Vhy you not tell me? I am your mama! Your shiksa - she's so much better
than your wife?"
(#1163) Business turnaround
Sam meets his friend Moshe in Brent Cross
shopping centre. "Hi Moshe, I haven’t seen you for some months. So nu?
How is the Company doing that you set up with Maurice last year?"
"Well, as I told you then, I put up the
money and Maurice put in his business knowledge. But things have changed
a bit since then."
"What do you mean?" Sam asks.
"Now Maurice has the money and I have
the business experience."
(#1164) So what?
Sadie was in her garden hanging up her
washing when Sharon, her next door neighbour, poked her head over the fence
and said, "I don’t like being the one to have to tell you this Sadie, but
there's a rumour going around that your husband Cyril is chasing the shiksas."
"So what?" said Sadie.
"But at his age!" said Sharon, "He's over
70 isn’t he?"
"Nu, so he's seventy-two, so what?" replied
Sadie, "Let him chase girls. Dogs chase cars, but when they catch one,
can they drive it?"
(#1165) The stock market
One day, little Benny asks his father
Harry question, "Dad, what is the Stock Market?"
"Benny," replies Harry, "you’re too young
to understand. Later."
"I am not that young," says Benny, "I
want to know now."
"Please, wait a few years, then you will
understand better."
"Dad, I don't want to start life poor,
like you did, selling second-hand furniture. That’s why I want to know
now"
"Alright, already," said Harry, "It's
like this. You buy two chickens and the two chickens lay eggs.
So, next year, you have thirty chickens. These thirty chickens then
all lay eggs and these eggs turn into chickens. So you end up having
thousands of chickens and you’re well off. You see, this is the stock
market. You understand, Benny?"
"Yes, Dad."
"And then, one day, the sky opens up and
it rains. It rains like in the days of Noah. The floods come and they wash
away all the chickens until they drown and you then have only two or three
chickens left. You see, this is the stock market - you should have bought
ducks."
(#1166) Use of arms
Hymie is walking along Hendon Avenue carrying
a large, heavy watermelon when he sees his friend Abe coming towards him.
"Hi Abe." says Hymie, "Nu? How are you?"
"Oy vay," says Abe, throwing his arms
up in the air, "Don't ask! But tell me, how are you?"
"Me?" says Hymie, "You ask how I am? You
want I drop my watermelon?"
(#1167) Gold
Benny and Max meet one shabbes whilst
parking their cars down a little road out of site of the synagogue. As
they begin their 5minute walk to the synagogue, Benny says, "I’m glad I’ve
bumped into you Max. It’s my parents' Golden wedding anniversary next week
and I would like you to come to the party."
"It’s nice of you to ask," replies Max,
"Thank you, yes, I will come."
"And if you have some friends you can
bring with you, please do so," says Benny, "It will be nice to have a lot
of people at the party."
"Yes. I can bring Hymie Cohen and Melvyn
Levy."
"Great, but don't forget to remind them
to bring something gold."
"OK."
So Max brought a goldfish, Hymie Cohen
brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Melvyn Levy brought Howard Goldberg.
(#1168) From the masters
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but
I gave up - they have no holidays." (Henny Youngman)
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone
hates me - he said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet."
(Rodney Dangerfield)
"Marriage is a wonderful institution -
but who wants to live in an institution?" (Groucho Marx)
"This is the sixth book I've written -
not bad for a guy who's read only two." (George Burns)
"Tragedy is when I cut my finger - comedy
is if you fall into an sewer and die." (Mel Brooks)
"It's not that I'm afraid to die - I just
don't want to be there when it happens." (Woody Allen)
"The pen is mightier than the sword -
and considerably easier to write with." (Marty Feldman)
(#1169) The affair - 1
Moshe tells Abe one day, “I’m having an
affair with a married woman called Freda.”
Abe replies, “Mazeltov. I’ve been in the
same situation myself so I’m in a good position to give you a piece of
valuable advice.”
”So tell me this advice, already,” says
Moshe.
“Well,” replies Abe, “You must keep your
affair a secret under pain of death. Only you, Freda and every one of her
best friends must know.”
(#1170) The affair - 2
Abe says to Moshe, “Another strange thing
about having affairs with older women is that within minutes of you making
love to them, they feel this compulsion to phone their daughter.”
(#1171) Par for the course
The police are called to Avrahom’s house
in Hampstead Garden Suburb - the neighbours have heard some screaming.
When the police arrive, they find Avrahom’s wife Sadie standing over Avrahom’s
lifeless body holding a 6-iron in her hand. The club is still dripping
blood.
A police constable asks Sadie, "Is that
your husband, madam?"
"Yes it is," replies Sadie.
"And did you hit him with that golf club
you’re holding, madam?"
"Certainly," replies Sadie. She then drops
the golf club, puts her hands over her face and begins to cry. "We only
just got back from playing at a golf tournament," she sobs.
"How many times did you hit your husband,
madam?" asks the constable.
"I don't know," replies Sadie. "Six, seven,
maybe even eight times – but just put me down for a six."
(#1172) Green or red?
Sadie was talking to her best friend Rachel.
“Is that a new ring I see you’re wearing, Rachel?”
“Yes it is, Sadie,” replies Rachel. “My
husband Max bought it for me. It’s special. I call it my mood ring.”
“Why do you call it that?” asks Sadie.
“Well, when I'm in a good mood it
turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
(#1173) Directions
Shlomo goes to see his psychiatrist. "Doctor,
my wife Fay is being unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Palwin’s
Wine Bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her to. I'm
going crazy with worry. What on earth should I do?"
Relax," says the Doctor, "take a couple
of deep breaths and try to calm down. Now, first of all tell me exactly
where Palwin’s Wine Bar is."
(#1174) The last request
Issy was dying. His wife was with him,
standing next to his bed. As he was drawing his last few breaths, he gasped,
"Sadie, I have one last request."
"Of course, Issy, what is it?" Sadie asked
softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I
want you to marry Louis."
"But I thought you hated Louis," Sadie
said.
With his final breath, Issy said, "I do."
go to fifty-fourth
set
Comments
(#1175) The order
Moshe’s business was struggling. So he
was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we won’t be
able to fill your recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits until full
payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent
order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
(#1176) Kreplachaphobia
Miriam had a problem with her young son
Ben - he went into a total panic every time she served up the family’s
favourite dish of kreplach. Every effort she and her husband made
to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took
Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem,
then said, "I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done
so far is talk – you’ve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you haven’t
yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you
prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go
inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees there’s
nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them."
When they returned home, Miriam followed
doctor Lewis’s advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to
watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of
dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. "See Ben,"
she said, "is there anything here to be worried about?"
"No mum," smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the
centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw
he was still smiling. ‘Maybe this will actually work,’ she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben
was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had
dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner – and immediately Ben
started to get into a state and shouted, "Oy veh, kreplach."
(#1177) Clever signs
Over a gynaecologist’s office - "Dr. Levy,
at your cervix."
On Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "I repair
what your husband fixed."
Also on Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "Don't
sleep with a drip. Call me."
On Cohen’s Pizza shop - "7 days without pizza
makes one weak."
Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop - "Buy my pizza.
I knead the dough."
In Moshe the plastic surgeon's office - "Hello.
Can I pick your nose?"
On Hyman the electrician's truck - "Let me
remove your shorts."
On a maternity room door at a Jewish hospital
- "Push. Push. Push."
At Benny the optometrist's office - "If you
don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
In Abe the podiatrist's office - "Time wounds
all heels."
In Shlomo the veterinarian's waiting room
- "Back in 5mins. Sit! Stay!"
In Issy’s restaurant window - "Don't stand
there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home
- "Drive carefully. I'll wait."
On Benjy’s radiator shop - "Best place in
town to take a leak."
(#1178) This is what happens when Yitzhak
decides to do a barbecue
His wife Hannah goes to the store to buy the
food.
Hannah makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
Hannah prepares the meat for cooking, places
it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to
Yitzhak who is lounging beside the grill.
Yitzhak places the meat on the grill.
Hannah goes inside and sets the table and
checks the vegetables.
Hannah comes out to tell Yitzhak that the
meat is burning.
Yitzhak takes the meat off the grill and hands
it to Hannah.
Hannah prepares the plates and brings them
to the table.
After eating Hannah clears the table and does
the dishes.
Yitzhak asks Hannah how she enjoyed her "night
off." Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women.
(#1179) The miracle baby
Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained
unmarried, yet she desperately wanted a baby of her own. So with the help
of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has
her miracle baby.
When she gets home, all her friends and
relatives come to see her and meet the newest member of her family.
But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie
says, "not yet."
A little later they again ask to see the
baby and again Sadie says, "not yet."
Finally they ask, "So when can we see
the baby?"
Sadie replies, "When the baby cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby
cries?" they say.
Sadie replies, "Because I forgot where
I put it."
(#1180) Keep your eyes open
One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden
fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when
he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and
wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?" So he searches
for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone
inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, "Fourteen!
Fourteen! Fourteen!"
(#1181) Children writing to God
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed
right in the synagogue. Is that OK?
Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy.
Dear God, It rained during our holiday and
my father is mad. He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him.
Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked
for anything before. You can look it up.
Dear God, If we come back as something, please
don't let me be Rebecca Levine because I hate her.
Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even
when I'm not praying.
Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to
love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family
and I can never do it.
Dear God, My brothers told me about being
born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?
Dear God, I don't think anybody could be a
better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this
because you are God already.
Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?
Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy
when I grow up but not with so much hair all over.
Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to
look like that or was it an accident?
Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in Hebrew school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your
idea.
(#1182) The results
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for
a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel
aside and says, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel,
"but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."
(#1183) Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly
to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting
nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York
some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even
though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here
from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to
him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you
by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact
I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my
son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible
to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean
so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees
to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How
can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel.
As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers
‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than
I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes
into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you
have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the
right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the
door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the
room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you
Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
(#1184) Don’t be so cheap
A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo,
Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend
to me that I don’t want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws
£200 in £20 notes into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that,"
and he also throws £200 in notes into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both
are. I’m ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him £1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a cheque for £1,400,
throws it in and takes the £400 in change out of the coffin.
(#1185) Visit to a hotel
Sadie was a very successful businesswoman
and loved all the nice things in life money brought her. One day, she decided
that she and her husband Moshe would spend a week’s holiday at the Gelt
Plaza, a 6-star hotel in Bournmouth and she decided to drive there in her
new top-of-the range Aston Martin saloon.
2 hours later, she was pleased to see
the looks of awe on the faces of the staff as she pulled up outside the
hotel’s front door. Three porters went up to greet her as she stepped out
of the car. She immediately said to one of them, in a commanding voice,
“Carry my luggage into the hotel, my good man.” Then she said to
the two other porters, “And could you two please carry my husband into
the hotel.”
They were surprised by this request but
nevertheless did what was asked, carried Moshe into the lobby and placed
him in an armchair by reception.
Then the hotel manager, who had seen all
of this, came over to Sadie and said, “Mrs Bloom, welcome to our hotel.
I’m sorry to see that your husband is too ill even to walk.”
“What do you mean he can’t walk?” replied
Sadie. “Of course he can walk. But thank God I’m now wealthy enough where
my Moshe doesn’t have to walk.”
(#1186) Jewish saying
If you marry for money, you’ll suffer
– but you’ll suffer in comfort!
(#1187) The famous writer
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes
to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. When he gets to his seat,
he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks
one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium
is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named
after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny,
"what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
(#1188) Reconciliation
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Abe was very fussy with his money and
always, regular as clockwork, went through his wife Sadie’s chequebook
each month to see where their money was going. He always wanted to see
everything balance to the exact penny. This month, as in previous months,
Sadie’s figures are hard to reconcile and tired of having to spend so much
time on her inaccuracies, Abe makes her agree to spend some time putting
her figures into shape before he devotes any more time on them.
After spending hours poring over her paperwork,
Sadie looks up and says, "Well, Abe, you should be proud of me. I've done
it – I’ve made it balance."
So Abe goes over to take a look. "OK,
let's see what you’ve done."
On her worksheet he sees a long list of
items starting with Mortgage £1,550.00; Electricity £70.50;
Gas £150.75; Telephones £350.22; Private Medical Insurance
£5,900.50; Kosher butcher £350.99; and ending with ESP £109.01.
Puzzled by the last entry, Abe says, "What on earth is ESP, Sadie?"
"That’s easy," replies Sadie, "It stands
for, Error Some Place!"
(#1189) Helping out
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Sidney was never known to help out with
any of the household chores, but after a serious argument with his wife
Hannah on this subject, he agrees to try to get more involved. The next
day, Hannah is shocked - Sidney has decided to wash his favourite sweatshirt!
She watches him put his sweatshirt into
the washing machine and then just stand there with a puzzled look on his
face. After a few minutes, he turns to Hannah and says, "OK, I give in.
So what setting do I use for washing a red, long sleeved, 90% cotton, 10%
polyester sweatshirt?"
"It all depends," replies Hannah. "What
does it say on your sweatshirt?"
"Yeshiva University," he replies.
(#1190) Jewish Movies you may have missed
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
GONIF WITH THE WIND: A thief is caught hiding.
Noisy flatulence gives him away.
THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE: A Mohel murder mystery.
THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY: A kosher
noodle western.
MOBY DRECK: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong
end of the whale.
THE CINCINNATI YID: Steve McQueen uses his
poker winnings to start a reform congregation.
THE SEDER HOUSE RULES: Bubbeh lays down the
law on Pesach.
BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER:
Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their victims.
BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH: The extras complain
that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.
THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE: An overdone
potato pancake turns into a monster.
THE MATZO CANDIDATE: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed
into thinking that it's always Passover.
DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK: Harrison Ford plays
Chanukah games.
ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE: Neither the
waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.
THE SIX CENTS: Three Jews each put in their
two-cents worth.
DREYDEL WILL ROCK: Chanukah toy comes alive.
GOYS DON'T CRY: Rabbi explains why only Jews
observe Yom Kippur.
STUART LADLE: Mouse makes chicken soup for
Shabbes.
THE GREEN MOYEL: Young man performs first
circumcision.
GOY STORY II: Jewish man divorces shiksa,
marries another.
(#1191) The herring seller
[My thanks to Yvonne B for
the following]
Daniel is walking down Golders Green High
Road when he sees in the distance his old friend Victor sitting outside
Bank Leumi. Daniel hasn’t seen Victor for many years and so is looking
forward to meeting him again. As Daniel comes up to Victor, he is surprised
to see that Victor is not just sitting there doing nothing – he’s actually
selling shmaltz herrings from a barrel - and he appears to be doing good
business. Daniel goes up to Victor and within seconds they are both hugging
each other.
Daniel asks, "So how are you getting on
in London, Victor?"
"I’m OK," replies Victor, "I’m making
a living."
"Well then," says Daniel, "maybe you could
lend me £20. I’m not doing so well these days."
"I’m sorry," replies Victor, "I just can’t
do that. It’s not allowed."
"What do you mean it’s not allowed?" asks
Daniel.
"Well, in order to get Bank Leumi to allow
me this pitch outside their bank, I made a deal with them. They promised
not to sell shmaltz herring and I promised not to lend money."
(#1192) The rabbi and the bear
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Rabbi Bloom from London is visiting two
friends in America. One is a priest and the other a Pentecostal preacher.
As soon as they meet up, they start to talk shop. Their discussion centres
on whether preaching to people is really that hard. They quickly agree
that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear and they decide to experiment.
Each would go into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to
discuss the experience. Father Carroll, who has his arm in a sling and
is on crutches, speaks first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods,
found a bear and began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Unfortunately,
the bear wanted nothing to do with me and begun to slap me about. I quickly
grabbed my holy water and, the saints be praised, he became very subdued.
My bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He is
in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. "Well, brothers, you
know that we don't sprinkle – we dunk. I found a bear and began to read
to him from God's Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. Up and down the hills we
wrestled until we come to a creek where I quickly dunked and baptised him.
He immediately became very subdued and we spent three days in fellowship,
praising God's Holy word."
They both then look down at Rabbi Bloom
who is lying in a hospital bed, is wearing a full body cast, is in traction
and has IVs and monitors running in and out of his torn body. Rabbi Bloom
looks up at his two friends and says, "When I found a bear, I found preaching
to him very easy. But Oy Vay, did he get touchy about the circumcision!"
(#1193) Alternating light and darkness
[My thanks to ML for the
following]
God is talking to one of his angels. He
says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour
period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?"
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you
do now?"
God says, "I think I’ll call it a day."
(#1194) The hoax
Sadie sent the following email to all
her women friends.
"Dear All, I hate hoax warnings,
but this one is important! Please send this warning to all
the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying
he is conducting a survey and asks you to take off your clothes, don’t
do it. It’s a scam. He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I
feel so stupid and cheap now.
go to fifty-fifth
set
Comments
(#1195) The Wig
Lionel is getting quite bald and his elder
daughter’s wedding is coming up. All his friends and family would be there
so, well even men can be vain; he gets fitted with an expensive toupee.
On the wedding day, everything went well.
Nevertheless, Lionel thought that everyone must have seen his toupee. Next
day, his youngest daughter sees his worried look and says, "What’s the
matter, daddy? Why are you so sad?"
"I’m not really sad, darling," he replies,
"it’s just that I’m sure everyone yesterday saw that I was wearing a wig."
"No they didn’t, daddy," she says, "No
one I told knew."
(#1196) Looking for Freda
Isaac arrives home one afternoon and can’t
see his Freda anywhere. So he shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweet honey bun,
I’m home. Where are you?"
He hears Freda reply from somewhere, "I’m
hiding."
So Isaac shouts out, "Oh darling, my sweetheart,
I’ve got a lovely surprise for you. Where are you?"
"Again he hears Freda reply, "I’m hiding."
Isaac then shouts out, "Oh darling, my
loved one, I’ve bought for you that diamond and platinum bracelet you’ve
always wanted from Mappin & Webb. Where are you?"
This time he hears Freda shout back, "I’m
hiding - I’m hiding in the bedroom wardrobe."
(#1197) You’re driving me crazy
Jacob meets his friend Max in the Hendon
delicatessen. "So Max, how’s your wife Kitty?"
Oy veh," replies Max, "she’s driving me
absolutely crazy. Every night she dreams that she’s married to a millionaire."
"That’s nothing," says Jacob," my Sadie
dreams she’s married to a millionaire during the day."
(#1198) The text message
Avrahom’s son Howard was at Cambridge
University and Avrahom was worried that Howard might quickly forget that
he was Jewish. As Yom Kippur was coming, Avrahom sent Howard the following
text message: -
HI HOWARD. YOM KIPPUR STARTS ON
TUESDAY
Howard sent the following reply: -
THANKS FOR THE TIP. PUT ME DOWN
FOR £70 ON IT TO WIN
(#1199) Calculating your age
Sadie was divorcing her husband Moshe.
After two months of waiting, her case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked Sadie, "So how old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour."
The judge replied, "Please answer my question
honestly. How old are you?"
"I’m 40 years old, your Honour," answered
Sadie again.
"Well," said the judge, "you’re not being
truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and
that means you’re over 60."
"But your Honour," replied Sadie, "I’m
not counting the last 20 years with my husband."
"Why not?" asked the judge.
"You call that living?" replied Sadie.
(#1200) Meeting with the tax inspector
[My thanks to Ian and Jackie
for the following]
Abe was due a visit from the Inland Revenue
inspector to go through some discrepancies in his accounts. Should he dress
up or down for the meeting? He just didn’t know what was best so he asked
both his accountant and his lawyer for their views.
His accountant told him, "Wear your worst
clothes, shmattas even, and an old pair of shoes. Make him believe you’re
very poor."
But his lawyer told him, "Wear your smartest
suit with a good shirt, expensive tie and nice cuff-links. That way you
won’t be intimidated."
Abe was confused and went to see his Rabbi
about the conflicting advice he had been given. "Let me answer your dilemma
with a story," said the Rabbi.
A woman, about to marry, asked her mother
what she should wear on her wedding night. Her mother replied, "Put on
a long nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wear woollen socks."
But when the woman asked her best friend,
she got conflicting advice. "Put on your sexiest, most see-through negligee."
"I don’t understand, Rabbi. What does
this have to do with my interview with the Inland Revenue?" asked Abe.
"It means that it doesn't matter what
you wear," replied the Rabbi, "you're going to get screwed anyway."
(#1201)Thought for the day
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and
huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
(#1202) Benefits of television
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Some people believe that regularly watching
television does us no good at all because TV is a destroyer of minds. But
not everyone believes this and certainly not Rabbi Levy. When asked what
his views were on the educational role of television, Rabbi Levy replied,
"TV can actually play a very important educational role. When someone turns
on the TV in my house, I go into my study and read Torah and the commentaries."
(#1203) The request
[My thanks to Anna R for
the following]
Miriam, an elderly lady, is on her way
to Brent Cross shopping centre when she hears some music coming from close
by. She crosses over the road and there standing on the corner is a busker
playing a violin. So she joins the small crowd listening to the music.
Suddenly, a flasher comes up to the crowd, opens his coat and bares his
‘all’. With a totally straight face, Miriam turns to the busker and says,
"How much do you want for playing, 'Button Up Your Overcoat?’"
(#1204) Brotherly love
[My thanks to Michael B,
USA for the following]
It was Sunday morning and as he had been
doing for a number of years, 8year-old Abe was attending Hebrew classes.
His teacher had just finished discussing one of the Ten Commandments, the
one about honouring your mother and father, when the teacher asked the
class, "Now, who can tell me which of the commandments tells us how to
deal with our brothers and sisters?"
Abe put his hand up and, when asked, proudly
said, "Thou shalt not kill."
(#1205) Marriage advice
Melvyn says to Howard, "My father is always
advising me to find a girl who has the same belief as the family, and then
marry her."
"That advice wouldn’t work for me," says
Howard. "Why would I want to marry a girl who thinks I'm a shmuck?"
(#1206) Health forecast
Benny meets his grandfather in the street
one morning. "Hi zaydeh. How are you feeling today?"
"Oy veh, Benny, I've got so many aches
and pains that if I get a new one, it will have to wait at least a week
before I can think of even worrying about it."
(#1207) Hear no evil
It was tea break at their office and Avrahom
and Harry, both deaf, were talking about being out late the night before.
Avrahom said, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I sneaked into bed
and didn’t get into any trouble."
Harry said, "Then you’re very lucky. When
I got back, I realised I was in shtook (in trouble) - my wife was awake
and waiting for me in bed. She was broyges (angry) and started swearing
at me for being out late."
Avrahom asked, "So what did you do, Harry?"
"I just turned out the light," replied
Harry.
(#1208) The Dior dress
One day, just as Rebecca was walking past
‘Yiddishe Mumma Exclusive Fashions’ in Golders Green, she saw them putting
a new dress in their window. It stopped her in her tracks – it was a pale
green Dior evening dress and she was totally entranced by this brilliant
creation. She was convinced that it was bashayrt (destined by fate) – it
was meant for her. But it was priced at £3,500 and she had
to think of a good way to persuade her Hymie to buy it for her. Then she
had an idea. She couldn’t wait to get home.
"Hymie, darling?"
"Yes, what is it Rebecca?"
"Last night I had a lovely dream, Hymie,"
she said.
"So what kind of a dream was it, Rebecca?"
he asked.
"I dreamed that we passed by Yiddishe
Mumma, and in the window was this gorgeous Dior dress at only £3,500.
And do you know what you did, Hymie?"
"Nu, so what did I do?" he asked.
"You went into the shop and bought it
for me, darling."
"Did I really?" Hymie said, "That really
was a wonderful dream. Please God, in all your future dreams, you should
wear it in good health."
(#1209) Memories
Bernie and Shlomo, both in their 80s,
are taking their weekly ZFT (zimmer frame totter) in Hendon Park.
"So, Shlomo, how are you?" asks Bernie.
"Oy veh I’m getting worse and worse,"
replies Shlomo. "All of a sudden, my memory's decided to play me tricks.
I can't even remember whether it was you or my brother who died last month."
(#1210) Follow my leader
Little Emma is watching her mother preparing
their Shabbat dinner – this week it’s Salt Beef. Emma watches her mother
slice off both ends of the joint and place it in a saucepan ready for cooking.
So Emma asks, "Why did you cut both ends off, Mum?"
Her mother pauses for a few seconds, then
replies, "That’s a good question, Emma. It’s what my mother always did
when she made Salt Beef and I just do the same. But I’ve no idea why. Let’s
phone bubbeh and ask her."
So they phone bubbeh and ask why she always
sliced the ends off the Salt Beef before cooking.
Bubbeh replies, "You know, I'm not sure
why – that was the way I always saw my mother make Salt Beef."
Because they are now very curious, they
visit Emma’s great grandmother in the nursing home and say to her, "You
know when we make Salt Beef, why do we always slice off the ends before
cooking it?"
"I don't know why you do it," says the
great grandmother, "but I never had a saucepan that was large enough!"
(#1211) The big sit
Kitty and Freda, both in their 80s, are
returning from their visit to Brent Cross shopping centre. They have been
sitting on a bench for over 30 minutes waiting for their bus when Kitty
turns to Freda and says, "You know, Freda, I've been sitting here so long,
my toches has fallen asleep."
Freda turns to Kitty and says, "I know,
I heard it snoring!"
(#1212) The error in payment
Shlomo the builder has an employment contract
that states he is to be paid weekly for a job that is going to last at
least 12 months. One Friday, after he’s been paid, Shlomo goes to his boss
and shows him the cheque he's been given.
"This is £100 less than I should
have been paid," says Shlomo.
"I know," replies his boss, "last week
I overpaid you £100 and you said nothing."
Embarrassed, Shlomo says, "Well, I don't
mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have
to call it to your attention."
(#1213) In return
On the first day God created Cow. And
God said to the cow, "I would like you to go into the field with the farmer
and suffer in the sun all day long, have calves and give milk to the farmer
to help him survive. In return I will give you a life of 60years."
Cow said, "That's a hard life you’ve mapped
out for me, especially as you want me to live for 60years. Instead, just
give me 20years and I'll give back the other 40."
And God agreed.
On the second day God created Dog. And
God said to the dog, "I would like you to sit all day outside the front
door of your house and bark at everyone who comes in or walks near you.
In return, I will give you a life of 20years."
Dog said, "That's going to be hard work
barking all day, especially as you want me to be doing this for 20years.
Instead, just give me 10years and I'll give back the other 10."
And God agreed.
On the third day God created Monkey. And
God said to the monkey, "I would like you to entertain people by doing
lots of monkey tricks and making them laugh. In return, I'll give you a
life of 20years."
Monkey said, "That’s a very boring life
you want to give me, doing monkey tricks for 20years. I’d rather not, if
you don’t mind. I hear that Dog gave you back 10years so I’d like
to do the same. Is that OK?"
And God agreed.
On the fourth day God created Man. And
God said to the man, "Just for you, I would like you to eat, sleep, play
and enjoy. You’ll need do nothing else - just enjoy, enjoy. And in return,
I will give you a life of 20years."
Man said, "What, only 20years? That’s
not enough. Let me make a suggestion. I'll take my 20years plus the 40years
Cow returned plus the 10years Monkey returned plus the 10years Dog returned.
I make that ….. 80years. Can I have 80years, please?"
"Okay," said God, "I agree."
That’s why: -
for the first 20years, we eat, sleep,
play, enjoy and do nothing,
for the next 40years we slave in the sun
to support our family,
for the next 10years we do monkey tricks
to entertain our grandchildren,
and for the last 10years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody.
(#1214) The orthodox golfer
He plays orthodox golf. He never drives
on the Sabbath
go to fifty-sixth
set
Comments
(#1215) Elephant papers
There is a story told of an Oxford University
professor who decided to ask his students to write a paper on the elephant.
This is what he got back from them.
The British student wrote about, ‘The human
rights of the elephant’
The French student wrote about, ‘The elephant
and his love life’
The Japanese student wrote about, ‘The elephant
and its place in IT’
The American student wrote about, ‘Elephants
and the war machine’
The Israeli student wrote about, ‘The elephant
and the Jewish problem’
(#1216) The coughing fit
Moshe and Sadie are in shul one shabbes
when in the middle of the service Sadie suddenly develops a coughing and
sneezing fit. It lasts nearly two minutes. Later, at the end of the service,
as Moshe is waiting outside for Sadie to come down from the ladies gallery,
a friend comes up to him and says, "I feel really sorry for your Sadie.
That must have been a very embarrassing few minutes for her, the way she
was coughing and sneezing. I noticed most of the congregation was looking
at her."
"Really?" says Moshe, "then she will be
pleased when I tell her – she was wearing a new hat."
(#1217) Love bragging
Victor, Cyril and Abe met up in Brent
Cross shopping centre for a chat and a coffee. Victor says, "Do you two
know that last night I made love to mine Leah three times and this morning,
as soon as I awoke, she told me how much she loved me."
"Mazeltov," says Cyril, "but last night
I made love to mine Sarah four times and this morning, as soon as I awoke,
she told me I must be the world’s greatest lover."
Abe doesn’t say a word and just takes
another sip of his coffee. So his two friends ask him how many times he
had made love last night.
"Vell if you must know," replies Abe,
"I made love to mine Becky vonce."
"Only once?" says Cyril, "And what did
Becky say to you this morning?"
"She said, ‘Don’t stop!’"
(#1218) Keeping the family together
Ethel goes to see Doctor Myers and tells
him that she is feeling constantly tired and exhausted, especially after
making love.
"So how often do you make love, Ethel?"
asks Doctor Myers.
"I make love every Monday, Wednesday and
Friday, doctor," she answers.
"Well," says Doctor Myers, "maybe you
should cut out Wednesdays?"
"No, that’s not really a good idea," says
Ethel, "that’s the only night I’m home with mine Arnold."
(#1219) Feelings
Sharon tells her best friend Ruth, "I’ve
broken off my engagement to Moshe."
"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I’m so sorry.
Why?"
"Because my feelings towards Moshe have
changed – they just aren’t the same anymore," replies Sharon.
"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you
giving him back the engagement ring?"
"No I’m not," replies Sharon, "my feelings
towards the ring haven’t changed."
(#1220) A surprise restaurant visit
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one
shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected
man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi
Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The
Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees
Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food
arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks
and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts
Issy.
"Issy, just what do you think you are
doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif (non kosher food)?
You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws,
but you also seem to be enjoying this food."
"Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter
this establishment?"
"Yes."
"And did you see me order this food?"
"Yes."
"And did you see the waiter bring the
food to me?"
"Yes."
"And did you then see me eat the food?"
"Yes."
"Then I don't see a problem, rabbi. Everything
was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."
(#1221) Help for men - words & phrases
used by women
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
“Fine”: This is the word
she uses to end an argument when she is right and you need to shut up.
“5 minutes”: If she’s getting dressed,
this means 30 minutes. It only means 5 minutes if you have been given just
5 more minutes to stay on the computer before helping her with the housework.
“Nothing”: This is the calm before
the storm. It means "something". So be on your guard because arguments
that begin with “nothing” usually end in "fine".
“Go ahead”: This is a dare, not
a permission to do it. SO DON'T DO IT.
“Loud sigh”: Although not actually
a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks
you are stupid and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "nothing".
“That's OK”: One of the most dangerous
statements that she can make to a man. It means that she wants to think
long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
“Thanks”: This is the least used
word in her vocabulary. If she’s thanking you, don’t question it. Just
say "you're welcome" and back out of the room slowly.
(#1222) She, not me
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
Peter, Chris and Abe had all recently
got married and were bragging about how they had given their new wives
household duties.
Peter said, "I told my wife on our first
day of marriage that she, not me, was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning. It took a couple days but on the third day, I came home to a
clean house with all the dishes washed and put away."
Chris said, "I went a bit further. I told
my wife that not only was she to do all the cleaning and the dishes but
she, not me, was to do the cooking as well. Like Peter, it was on the 3rd
day that I came home to a clean house, dishes were done and I had a huge
dinner on the table."
Abe said, "I married a Jewish girl and
I told her in no uncertain terms that she, not me, had to keep the house
clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table
as soon as I got home. Like you two, it wasn’t until the 3rd day that things
got better. By then, most of the swelling had gone down and I could see
a little out of my left eye, enough to fix myself something to eat, load
the dishwasher with my dirty washing and start mowing the lawn.
(#1223) Let’s go
The regulations at Golders Green Hospital
require a wheelchair to be provided for all patients being discharged.
So when Michelle, a student nurse, was told that the patient in Room 50
was being discharged, she found a wheelchair and took it to the room. When
she entered, there was Moshe, an elderly man, fully dressed and sitting
on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. "OK, lets go," she told him, "just
pop into the wheelchair and I’ll take you downstairs."
Moshe argued with her. "But I don’t need
your help to go downstairs, nurse. I’m not that old. I can do it perfectly
well by myself."
But no matter how hard he insisted that
he didn't need her help to leave the hospital, Michelle was more insistent.
"You just have to leave in the wheelchair, no matter how fit you think
you are – it’s the rules," she said, "You can’t change them."
So very reluctantly, Moshe let Michelle
wheel him to the lift. On their way down, Michelle asked him if his wife
was meeting him.
"I don't know," Moshe said, "she's still
upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
(#1224) Age matters
Avrahom is a lively 75 year old widower.
He is also very rich. One day, he turns up at the Kosher K restaurant in
Hendon to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead
on his arm. She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Avrahom’s every
word with great attention. All his friends think she is as sexy a lady
as they have seen for years.
When she excuses herself to go to the
ladies, Avrahom’s friends rush over to him. "Avrahom, how did you manage
to get such a lovely girlfriend?" they ask.
"Girlfriend?" says Avrahom looking upset,
"what do you mean girlfriend? Naomi is my wife."
They were shocked. "So how did you persuade
Naomi to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Avrahom replies.
"Don’t tell us that you told Naomi that
you were only 50?"
"Of course not," smiles Avrahom, "I told
her I was 90."
(#1225) The 2 questions
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Rabbi Bloom gets on a tube train on its
way to Golders Green. As soon as the doors close, a priest gets up, goes
over to the rabbi and says, "Good morning rabbi. I have a question to ask
you. Why is it that everybody thinks Jews are smarter than Gentiles?"
Rabbi Bloom, who is not up for an argument,
says, "I’m sorry, but I am just a simple rabbi and I’m not really able
to participate in such a discussion."
But the priest insists. "Look, no harm
meant rabbi, but I have a theory and I need to test it out in the form
of a bet. I’ll pay you £100 if you can ask me a question that I can't
answer. But if I can ask you a question that you can't answer, you must
pay me £100."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "But I’m a poor rabbi
- I only have £10 on me."
The priest hesitates then says, "OK, rabbi,
it’s my £100 against your £10."
Rabbi Bloom realises he can't get out
of this so he agrees, but on condition that he asks the first question.
The priest agrees.
"OK," says Rabbi Bloom, "what animal has
scaly skin, the body of a cat, the face of a squirrel, the ears of a mouse,
webbed toes and swims under water?"
Surprised, the priest admits that he doesn't
know and asks the rabbi for a few more minutes to think about it. The rabbi
agrees.
2 minutes later, the priest takes £100
from his wallet and gives it to the rabbi. The priest then asks the rabbi,
"So what animal was it?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "How should I know?"
and gives the priest £10.
(#1226) The advert
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
Bernie has been ill for some months and
then suddenly dies. As is the custom, his wife Sadie puts an advert in
the ‘deaths’ section of the Jewish Chronicle, but this advert is slightly
unusual – it states that Bernie died of gonorrhoea. Immediately, a close
friend of Bernie rings Sadie to complain.
"Sadie," he says, "you know full well
that Bernie died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea. So why did you word the
advert incorrectly?"
"I looked after Bernie day and night for
over 3 months," replies Sadie, "so of course I know he died of diarrhoea.
But I thought it would be best for people to remember Bernie as a great
lover rather than the big sh*t he was."
(#1227) The cure
Faye goes to her doctors’ surgery and
is seen by Dr Myers, a new young doctor who has just joined the practice.
Within five minutes of talking to the doctor, Faye bursts out of his consulting
room and runs crying out loudly down the hall. Fortunately, the receptionist
is able to stop her and makes her take a seat. When Faye has calmed down,
the receptionist asks, "Faye, what’s the matter? Tell me what’s happened."
After listening to her story, the receptionist
says, "Wait her, Faye, I’ll sort this out for you here and now."
The receptionist strides purposely down
the hall to Dr Myers room and enters. "Doctor, what's the matter with you?
Mrs Cohen is nearly 60years old and has two grown up children and four
grandchildren. Yet you just told her that she’s pregnant? How could you
do such a thing?"
Dr Myers replies, without looking up from
making his notes, "Nu? Does she still have the hiccups?"
(#1228) Appearances can be deceptive
It’s Friday and Moshe is in Shanghai on
business. He asks the hotel’s concierge whether there’s a shul nearby.
There is, so he gets instructions on how to get there and arrives just
before the start of evening service. Moshe is amazed. It’s the largest
shul he’s ever seen and not only that, it’s packed with Chinese worshippers.
He is lucky and finds the last available seat.
All through the service, Moshe notices
the rabbi looking over to where he’s sitting and just before the service
ends, the rabbi makes his way over to where Moshe is sitting.
"Where are you from?" the rabbi asks.
"I am from Golders Green in London," replies
Moshe.
"Are you Jewish?" asks the rabbi.
Moshe replies, "But of course I am."
Then the rabbi says, "funny, you no rook
Jewish."
(#1229) Signs of ageing (men)
First you forget names
Then you forget faces
Then you forget to pull up your zip
Then (even worse) you forget to pull it
down.
(#1230) Good answer
Hyman wakes up one morning with a hangover.
He forces his eye open and looks around his bedroom. First thing he sees
is a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on his bedside table.
He sits up and notices everything is so tidy. His clothes are on a chair
next to the bed, cleaned and ironed and the bedroom itself is airy, sweet
smelling and spotlessly clean. He takes two of the aspirins and slowly
walks downstairs. He notices everything is so clean and tidy. Downstairs,
on the kitchen door, is a note which reads,
"Darling, your breakfast is on the hob.
I had to leave early to go shopping. See you soon. Love you. Freda XXXXX."
Hyman goes into the kitchen and finds
his son Paul watching TV whilst eating his cereal. And there, waiting for
him on the hob, as the note said it would be, is his breakfast – scrambled
eggs, tomatoes, baked beans and toast. And there is a clean, folded, unread
Times newspaper on his chair.
Hyman asks, "Paul, what on earth happened
last night? I can’t remember a thing."
"Well dad," Paul replies, "you came home
at one o’clock in the morning very drunk and singing rude songs very loudly.
You were sick in the hallway and then you fell over and went to sleep when
you tripped over the dog."
Hyman is very confused. "Paul, I don’t
understand – why is everything so clean and tidy, including my clothes,
and why is my favourite breakfast waiting for me? From what you’ve just
told me, I don’t deserve any of this."
Paul responds, "Oh that’s easy to explain,
dad. When mum dragged you upstairs to the bedroom and tried to take off
your trousers, you shouted angrily at her, ‘Leave me alone, I'm a married
man.’"
(#1231) Heavenly needs
Rabbi Bloom was testing the children in
his Sunday Hebrew class to see if they understood the concept of going
to heaven. So he asked them, "Boys and girls, if I sold my house and my
car and gave all the money to the shul, would that let me go to heaven?"
"No," the children shouted out.
"OK," said the rabbi, "if I cleaned the
shul every day, washed all our stained glass windows, inside and out and
kept every prayer book neat and tidy on the shelves, would that let me
go to heaven?"
Again, the answer shouted out was, "No."
Rabbi Bloom was beginning to really enjoy
this ‘test’.
"Well then children," he asked, "if I
was the kindest person in the whole world to animals and if I gave pieces
of halva and kosher sweets to every boy and girl in North London and if
I promised never to shout at any of you, would that let me go to heaven?"
Again, all the children shouted out, "No."
"Well," Rabbi Bloom continued, "how then
can I get to heaven?"
With that, Aaron, a six year old, shouted
out, "You’ve got to be dead, rabbi."
(#1232) Shul goer
As Daniel and his wife Naomi are coming
out of shul one shabbes, she says to him, "That Robson girl has put on
a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she’s pregnant. What do you think?"
"The Robson girl? If she was there, I
didn't see her," replies Daniel.
"And did you see that flirty Sharon Kay
winking at the boys? Disgraceful, don’t you think, dear?"
"I must have been looking the other way
when this happened," he replies.
"And what do you think about the short
dress Rivkah Levy was wearing? That can’t be the right thing for a mother
of three children to wear in shul. Don’t you agree, dear?" asks Naomi.
"Sorry darling," replies Daniel, "but
I didn’t notice her dress."
"Well then, you must have seen Kitty Usum
drinking all those glasses of wine during Kiddush," she says.
"I wasn't watching Kitty," says Daniel.
"Oh for goodness sake," shouts Naomi,
"I don’t know why you bother to go to shul these days."
(#1233) Where is a man’s brain?
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
No one knows how it happened but once
upon a time a female brain cell, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's
head. She looked around nervously, but all around her was empty and
quiet.
"Hello?" she cried out, but she got no
answer.
So she cried out a little louder, "Is
there anyone here?" but still she got no answer.
Feeling very much alone and getting quite
scared, she yelled out at the top of her voice, "Hello, hello, is there
anyone here?"
Then, at last, she heard very faint voices
from a long way away ......"Hello, we're all down here."
(#1234) In praise of women over 55
A woman over 55 won’t wake you in the middle
of the night and ask, "So what are you thinking of?" She doesn't care what
you’re thinking of.
A woman over 55 doesn’t care what you might
think of her. She is supremely confident. She knows who she is, what she
is, what she wants and from whom.
A woman over 55 is dignified. She seldom argues
with you loudly when you’re out with friends, or when you’re in an expensive
restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, you’ll cop it when you return
home.
A woman over 55 is generous with her praise,
often undeserved, because she has experience of what it was like to be
unappreciated.
Although women get psychic as they age, you’ll
never need to confess your sins to a woman over 55. She always knows.
A woman over 55 looks good wearing bright
red lipstick. This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a few unimportant wrinkles,
a woman over 55 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
A woman over 55 is forthright and honest.
She’ll tell you straight away when you start to act like a jerk. You won't
ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Most elderly men praise women over 55 for
all the above reasons and more. Unfortunately, it's not always reciprocal.
For every stunning, smartly dressed, well made up woman over 55, there’s
a bald, paunchy, tired-looking man making a fool of himself flirting with
some young waitress.
go to fifty-seventh
set
Comments
(#1235) The wrong one
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Naomi’s husband dies and all of a sudden
she’s on her own to bring up Leah, her 10year old daughter. After some
time has passed, she starts looking for a partner, not an easy task, but
then Mr Shapiro comes onto the scene. He’s much older than Naomi but is
wealthy and presentable, so Naomi accepts his invite for a meal at Bens
Kosher Kitchen. They have a good time and start seeing each other on a
regular basis. She likes him very much and is glad things are getting serious
between them – after all, Leah could do with a new father figure around
the house.
When it’s time to introduce Mr Shapiro
to Leah, she decides to invite him over for a shabbes dinner. He accepts
and at once Naomi begins to worry about the one thing that could ruin her
chances of marriage - Mr Shapiro has a large wart on his nose. She is worried
that Leah will not only stare at it but also laugh at it. No matter how
hard she tries, she can’t get the scene out of her mind.
Friday arrives and she’s in such despair
that she decides to tell Leah what’s troubling her. As they are setting
the table, she says, "Please Leah, I want you be on your very best behaviour
tonight and.….oh yes, one other thing, darling, don’t say a thing about
the wart on Mr Shapiro’s nose. I don’t want him upset."
"OK, mum, I won’t mention it, I promise,"
says Leah.
In the event, the meal is a great success.
Conversation flows easily and Leah behaves impeccably, not a word out of
place. Naomi breathes a massive sigh of relief when Leah asks to be excused
just before dessert. As Leah closes the door behind her, Naomi turns towards
Mr Shapiro and asks, "So Mr Shapiro, would you like cream or custard on
your wart?”
(#1236) Deja vu
[My thanks to Ian S for
the following]
Abe is on holiday in Israel with his wife,
children and mother-in-law. Sadly, while they are visiting Jerusalem, Abe's
mother-in-law dies. Abe goes to the British Embassy with her death certificate
in his hand to make arrangements to send her body back to the UK for burial.
As soon as the Embassy official realises that it’s Abe’s mother-in-law
who has died, he tells Abe that it’s very expensive to send a body back
to the UK.
"It could cost as much as £2,000,"
he says, "so in most cases, the family decide to bury the body here in
Israel because this only costs £100."
But Abe gets agitated, "I don't care how
much it costs to send her body back to the UK, that's what I want to do.
OK?"
"OK," says the official, "calm down. We’ll
do it. You must have loved your mother-in-law a lot, considering the price
difference."
"No, that’s not the reason," says Abe,
"it’s just that I know of a case of someone who was buried here in Jerusalem
many, many years ago and on the 3rd day he arose from the dead. I just
don’t want to take that chance."
(#1237) The honest interview reply
Reporters from the Jewish Chronicle are
interviewing Sadie, who is celebrating her 108th birthday.
"Sadie, dear, can you please tell us what
you think is the best thing about being 108? I’m sure our readers would
love to know," one of the reporters asks.
Sadie replies, "There’s no peer pressure."
(#1238) Things to come
As little Joshua was being given a bath
by his mother, he started closely examining his testicles.
"Are these my brains, mummy?" he asked
"No, darling," she replied, "not yet they’re
not."
(#1239) The flower show
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties,
are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited
the annual flower show. Freda turns to Ethel and says, "Don’t you agree
that life is getting more and more boring? We don’t seem to be able to
have the fun we used to."
"I agree with you there," says Ethel.
"Do you know," continues Freda, "I’d love
to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That
would liven things up."
"I bet you £5 you wouldn’t dare,"
says Ethel.
"You're on!" says Freda and 2 minutes
later, completely naked, she ‘streaks’ through the front door of the flower
show.
As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion
going on inside the town hall. Then Freda, still naked, runs back out,
followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.
"What happened, Freda?" asks Ethel.
"I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
(#1240) Start with the easy solution
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Faye and Monty have been married for over
30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends
and family alike.
Monty decides to become more ‘orthodox’
and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then,
two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming
more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it ‘glatt
kosher’. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her
attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
"Rabbi," he asks, "what can I do? How
can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her
to run a kosher kitchen?"
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods
sympathetically. "Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there
in existence?"
Monty has recently learned this and quickly
gives the correct answer, "613."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "so why don’t you
start with ones that don't annoy her?"
(#1241) Jury service
Did you hear about the typical Jewish
mother?
Once, when she was on jury service, they
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
(#1242) Big business
Abe is just starting out in business in
Golders Green. But he has to start small and decides to open up a lemonade
stand outside Ben’s Bagels. He puts up a sign which says,
ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR 25p
It’s a hot day and almost immediately
some children arrive and pay him 25p. One boy quickly drinks the lemonade
he’s given, goes over to Abe with the empty cup and says, "could you please
refill my cup?"
Abe replies, "OK, but that will be another
25p."
"How come?" says the boy, "the sign clearly
says ‘All you can drink for 25p."
"Nu?" says Abe, "you had a glass of lemonade,
didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Abe, "that's all you can
drink for 25p."
(#1243) It’s obvious
It is Friday and to his surprise, Max
is told that he is being promoted to manager. He is also given the afternoon
off. When he gets home to his 6th floor flat and tells his wife Helen the
good news, they decide to celebrate by making love. But what are they going
to do about their 9year old son Sam?
"I know," says Max, "let’s put Sam out
onto the balcony and get him to report to us on everything he sees happening
in the neighbourhood. That’ll keep him busy."
"Good idea, darling" says Helen and 10
minutes later, Sam begins his reporting at the same time she and Max begin
their lovemaking.
"OK dad," reports Max, "they’re towing
away Mr Shineman’s 4x4 from in front of his flat."
A few moments later, Max says, "A fire
engine has just stopped outside the Himmelfarb’s shop."
Then he shouts out, "Looks like the Levy’s
are going to the synagogue."
Followed quickly by, "My friend David’s
riding his new red 2 wheeler bike across the main road."
And then, "Mr and Mrs Abrahams are having
sex."
At that, Max and Helen sit up in bed and
shout out, "How do you know that, Sam?"
"Because," Sam replies, "their son Paul,
like me, is standing on their balcony reporting what he sees."
(#1244) Prayers of value
"Rabbi, why do we always have to say our
prayers at night?" said little Emma.
"Because, my dear child, it's cheap rate
after 6 o’clock."
(#1245) The sandwich
Every time someone goes into a delicatessen
and orders a pastrami sandwich on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
(#1246) God forbid
The habit of asking God to prevent calamities
is a hard one to break. One Jewish businessman, driven to despair by his
rival’s devious actions, shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God
forbid."
(#1247) The whole divorce
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce.
As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete,
she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold,
what do you mean by ‘Get’?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get
is a religious ceremony that’s required under the Jewish religion in order
to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the
judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "it’s very similar.
But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck."
(#1248) For the wine lovers amongst
you
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
You will all know that Pinot Noir is one
of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making
wine. It is recognized worldwide as a great wine grape and is grown in
many countries of the world. Now the English have come onto the scene.
They are marketing a new wine developed especially for elderly drinkers
based on a new hybrid anti-diuretic wine grape. They are calling this wine
‘Pinot More’.
(#1249) Naomi’s turn
[My thanks to Anna R for
the following]
It started when Faye and Naomi were friends
at school. Faye seemed to spend her entire time trying to get one over
on Naomi and never missed an opportunity to belittle her. Whatever Naomi
had or did, Faye would better it.
Then they left school to go their own
ways. 30 years later, by chance, Faye and Naomi meet again at Brent Cross
shopping centre. And guess what? Nothing has changed. Within minutes,
Faye is boasting about her life and whenever Naomi says something, Faye
dismisses it with contempt. After fifteen minutes of this, Faye looks at
her watch and says, "I must go pick up my diamonds. My husband Lou is so
wealthy that once a month he sends them to Hatton Garden for cleaning.
We’re going to the Royal Opera tonight, it’s Madama Butterfly, and we have
the best seats. So I need my diamonds."
"Oh," replies Naomi with a smile on her
face, "do you clean your diamonds? My husband David is so rich that he
throws my diamonds away when they get dirty and buys me new ones."'
(#1250) Shipwrecked
At the end of a hard year’s work, Moshe
decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean
cruise. The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity
- the ship sinks and Moshe ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks
around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts.
Still, these are better than starving to death.
Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the
shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful
woman he has ever seen gets out, walks over to him and says, "Hi."
He can’t believe his luck. He replies,
"Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here?
What’s your name?"
"Hold on," she says, "one question at
a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when
my cruise liner sank. I’ve just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and
my name is Hannah."
"That’s amazing, Hannah," he says. "My
name is Moshe. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it
myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from
pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides
came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools from?"
he asks.
"Oh, I made the tools myself," replies
Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated
in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make
the tools which in turn I used to make the boat."
Moshe is silent. He can’t believe her
skills.
"If it’s OK with you, why don’t I now
row you to my place?" she says.
Moshe just nods his acceptance.
It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row
to her placed. As they near the shore, Moshe is surprised to see a stone
walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her
boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the
bungalow.
"It's not really much," says Hannah, "but
to me, Moshe, it’s home. Please sit down and I’ll get you a drink."
"No thanks," Moshe replies, "I just couldn’t
drink any more coconut juice."
"But you don’t have to have coconut juice,"
says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? I’ve made a still."
As they sit down on her hand made couch
drinking their Pina Coladas, Moshe looks around and is amazed at what Hannah
has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says,
"I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. While you’re waiting,
why don’t you take a shower and then have a shave? You’ll find a razor
in the bathroom cabinet."
Moshe goes into the bathroom and runs
his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah
has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds
a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While
he’s having an excellent shave, Moshe thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable,
truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything."
When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing
only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she
looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Moshe to sit next to her, which
he does. Hannah smiles at Moshe in a seductive manner and slithers up closer
to him.
"Moshe," she says, staring into his eyes,
"we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you’ve found me, is there something
you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to
do for all these weeks. You know..."
Moshe can't believe it. "You mean …… I
can check my e-mail from here?"
(#1251) Moshe’s 18 questions
Here is a well known riddle.
Q: What is a genius? A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
OK, so you’re a genius. But how smart
do you think you are without your mother’s help?
Write down the answers to the following
18 questions, then check your answers with those given at the end of this
jokes set. Will you still be a genius?
1. Moshe asks, "Do they have a 4th of July
in England?"
2. Moshe asks, "How many birthdays does
the average Jewish man have?"
3. Moshe asks, "If some months have 31
days, how many months have 28?"
4. Moshe asks, "Why can’t Jewish men living
in London be buried in Jerusalem?
5. Moshe asks, "Is it legal for a Jewish
man living in Tel Aviv to marry his widow's sister?"
6. Moshe and Abe play five games of tennis.
Each wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How can this be
so?
7. Moshe says, "Divide 30 by 1/2 and add
10. What’s the answer?"
8. Moshe builds a house rectangular in
shape and all sides have a southern exposure. Moshe asks, "If a big bear
walks by the house, what colour is it?"
9. If Moshe has 3 apples and you take
away 2, how many do you have?
10. Moshe has two US coins totalling 55
cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
11. Moshe has only one match and he walks
into a room where there is an unlit gas fire, an oil lamp and a fireplace
with dry wood in it. Which one does Moshe light first?
12. Moshe asks, "How far can my dog run
into the woods?"
13. Moshe’s doctor gives him three pills
and tells him to take one every half hour. How long does Moshe’s pills
last?
14. Moshe has 17 sheep and all but 11
die. How many sheep does Moshe have left?
15. Moshe asks, "How many animals of each
sex did Moses take on the ark?"
16. Moshe works as an assistant in Minkoff
Butchers and is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
17. Moshe asks, "How many 12p stamps are
there in a dozen?"
18. Moshe asks, "What was the prime minister’s
name in 1950?"
(#1252) Horse for sale
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Moshe goes to an outdoor sale. As he is
walking around the grounds, he sees a sign saying LUIGI HAS
NICE THINGS FOR SALE
He goes up to Luigi’s pitch and immediately
sees that Luigi owns a horse. Moshe has always wanted his own horse, so
he says to Luigi, "Excuse me but do you want to sell me your horse?"
Luigi replies, "I would sell it but it
no looka so good."
Moshe says, "Well he looks fine to me.
How much do you want for it?"
Luigi says, "But as I tella you, I canna
sell him to you - he no looka so good."
Moshe says, "OK, I'll give you £1,000
for your horse. Final offer. What do you say?"
Luigi shrugs his shoulders and agrees.
After writing out a cheque, Moshe gets on the horse and gallops off. But
after no more than one minute of riding, the horse suddenly rides straight
into an oak tree at speed and is killed.
Moshe is lucky to be alive and goes straight
back to Luigi. "You thieving son of a bitch, you sold me a blind horse."
Luigi replies, "I tella you he no looka
so good."
(#1253) Inner peace
Abe is talking to his friend. "If there’s
one piece of simple advice I can give you, Mervyn, it’s this. I read it
in the Times yesterday and it worked immediately for me. I’ve finally found
inner peace. I’m sure it will work for you too."
"So give me this advice, already," says
Mervyn.
"OK, here it is," replies Abe, "the way
to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
"Really?" says Mervyn.
"Yes," replies Abe. "I looked around to
see all the things I had started but hadn’t finished. So, I finished one
bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Port, my Prozac,
3 bottles of beer and a large box of organic chocolates. You have no idea
how good I felt."
(#1254) The eye test
When Jacob from Poland applies for a driver's
license, he is asked to take an eyesight test. The optician points
to a card on the wall with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A
C Z
and says to Jacob, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replies Jacob, "the man’s my
best friend."
ANSWERS TO MOSHE’S 18 QUESTIONS
1. Yes, but it’s not celebrated
2. One, all the rest are anniversaries
of his birth day.
3. All 12 of them have at least 28 days
4. They can't be buried if they aren’t
dead.
5. No, because if his wife is a widow,
then he’s dead.
6. They aren't playing each other.
7. 70
8. White. The house is at the North Pole
so it is a polar bear.
9. 2
10. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other
one is a nickel)
11. The match.
12. Half way. Then he is running out of
the woods.
13. 1 Hour
14. 11
15. None - Noah took them on the ark.
16. Meat
17. 12
18. Same as it is now.
go to fifty-eighth
set
Comments
(#1255) The exercise class
Freda says to her daughter, "Ever since
I reached 65, Lisa, I’d been feeling that my body had gotten totally out
of shape. So I made a big decision - I went to my doctor and got his OK
to start doing some exercise. And yesterday I went to LA Fitness and booked
into their aerobics class for seniors."
"That was brave of you, mum, so how did
you get on?" asks Lisa.
"Well, for thirty minutes I sweated by
bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."
(#1256) A fall off in performance
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes to see her
doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I really believe the romance is going out
of my marriage."
"Why do you say that, Sadie?" asks the
doctor.
"Because mine Moshe is not (if you excuse
me) performing very well in bed these days."
"Sadie," he asks, "how old are you?"
"I’m 80, doctor," she replies.
"And how old is your Moshe, Sadie?" asks
the doctor.
"Kin-a-hora, he’s a healthy 88 years old,"
she replies.
"Well, Sadie," says the doctor, "I don’t
think you need worry. Sexual performance always begins to drop off in men
of advanced years. It’s normal. But tell me, when did you first notice
Moshe’s failing performance?"
Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last
night, doctor and once again this morning."
(#1257) Naomi’s toy
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Little Naomi lives near a fire station.
One day, one of the firemen is surprised to see Naomi glide slowly past
the station in a small red fire engine. It is an expensive toy. It has
little ladders hooked up on either side, an extendable ladder on top and
a garden hose coiled up at the back. Naomi is sitting in the driver’s seat
wearing a yellow fireman’s helmet and the fire engine is being pulled by
both her dog and her cat. The fireman walks over to her.
"Wow," he says, "you’ve got a real nice
fire engine, missy. I wish I had one like this."
"Thank you," says Naomi, "it’s my favourite
toy."
But then the fireman is shocked when he
notices how Naomi has connected her pets to the fire engine – she’s tied
one rope to her dog's collar and a second rope to her cat's testicles.
"I have an idea," he says to her, "if
you were to tie that rope around your cat's collar instead, I think you
would go even faster."
After thinking about this for a little
while, Naomi replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have
a siren."
(#1258) Jewish mother riddle
Q: What are the two most important
things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A: Who is having sex?
Why aren’t they married already?
(#1259) Psychology
Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best
ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian
mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your
meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time."
"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine
Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over
all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time."
(#1260) The procession in Marbella
Benny and Leah are on holiday in Marbella
and decide to go to a bullfight. While they are watching the grand procession
which takes place before the bullfights commences, Leah starts asking a
lot of questions. Fortunately, Benny had been to a bullfight some years
earlier during a business trip and is able to answer them.
"Benny, who’s that leading the procession?"
asks Leah.
"That’s the toreador, Leah."
"So who’s that behind the toreador?"
"That’s the matador, Leah."
"And who’s that man behind the matador,
Benny?"
"That’s the picador, Leah," says Benny,
a little fed up with all the questions.
"And who’s the little man behind the picador?"
asks Leah.
"That’s Isadore, the kosher butcher."
(#1261) The phone calls
One evening, Moshe shows his wife their
latest telephone bill. "Hette, you just have to cut down on your calls.
This bill is for over £700 and that’s a very high cost for just 3
months."
"You’re right, darling," she says, "I
promise to do my best to curtail my calls."
"Thanks," says Moshe.
Moshe starts to monitor the calls on a
daily basis and is pleased to see that Hette is keeping to her promise.
But then gradually, as he thought would happen, he sees the daily elapsed
time start to increase again. Then one evening, as Hette dials a
number and makes another call, Moshe decides to discuss the situation with
her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be. Fifteen minutes
later, Hette puts down the phone.
"What a surprise," says Moshe sarcastically,
"how come such a short call?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number, darling."
she says.
(#1262) Isn’t knowledge wonderful?
Hymie is sitting on a bench in Brent Cross
shopping centre with his friend Monty. Neither has spoken for 10 minutes
when Hymie suddenly says, "Do you know what, Monty?"
"No, what Hymie?"
"Mine Rivka," continues Hymie, "is very
knowledgeable. She reads the Times newspaper every day from front to back;
she watches the news on TV every hour; she reads all kinds of books and
she regularly goes to evening classes. She is so up-to-date about current
affairs that she can talk all night on any subject."
"So what?" says Monty, "Mine Sadie doesn’t
need a subject."
(#1263) Two personal adverts in a Jewish
magazine
Israeli lady age 28. Serves behind the falafel
counter in Moshe’s Deli. Looking for nice Jewish guy with a good sense
of humus.
I’m looking for the girl I met last week at
the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn (horseradish)
for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine
and cholent stains on my tie.
(#1264) Terms of endearment
Shlomo and Hetty are having breakfast
one morning when Hetty suddenly says, "You don’t talk nicely to me any
more Shlomo, not the way you used to when we first got married. I don’t
think you love me."
"Don’t love you?" Shlomo growled, "There
you go again saying, ‘I don’t love you.’ Don’t you know that I love you
more than life itself? So please shut up now and let me get on with reading
the morning papers."
(#1265) Wrong one
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks
– the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong
pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he
can’t wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him,
lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not
brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes
himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues
on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts
to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts
short his walk and goes straight to his doctor. After a brief examination,
doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe you’ve wiped yourself with some poison
ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do?
The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry," replies doctor Myers, "here’s
some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one
teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it
for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away
the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of
the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills
it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor,
takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters
the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her
kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries
to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet,
the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika
toches fun der milchedika tepple."
(#1266) All’s fair in love and war
Kitty and Freda are having lunch together
at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they
order only one dish of ‘fried fish pieces’ which they intend to share.
They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains
one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely
look at each other.
Kitty says, "Please, you choose first."
"No," replies Freda, "you can choose first."
Kitty says, "OK, I'll take first," and
puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate.
Freda is surprised. "Why did you take
the big piece? That's not very polite."
"So which piece would you have taken,
then?" asks Kitty.
"I would have taken the small piece,"
replies Freda.
"So what’s the problem, Freda," says Kitty,
"that's what you’ve got."
(#1267) Another version of The Good
Wife Guide (see also #745 32nd set)
This article (believe it
or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in
the early 1960’s. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious
manner – it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please don’t
blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century
as much as they have!
Challenge. If anyone wants
to prepare, “The Good Husband Guide” as you think it might have been written
in the 1960’s, then send it to me.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the
night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from
work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about
him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest
so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a
ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last
trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over
the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and
light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort
will provide you immense personal satisfaction.
Make the evening his. Never complain if
he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead,
try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need
to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace,
order and tranquillity. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or
even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might
have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back
in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange
the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and
pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will
always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Once he has had a chance to have his evening
meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer
to help decline his offers – he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and
after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies
and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have
any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests
are often rather trivial compared to men’s. at the end of the evening tidy
the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom
prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does
not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.
However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve
a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face
cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to
a man last thing at night.
(#1268) The three Jews
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel,
Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, "When I emigrate to New York,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore,
they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I emigrate to New York,
I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says, "Well I'm not going
anywhere."
(#1269) The court proceedings
[My thanks to Frank for
the following]
Judge Allen enters Court number 1 and
sits down. He feels ready for the day's business. However, the first case
involves Moshe Cohen and as soon as Judge Allen sees this elderly man with
his long white beard, peyess (side curls) and kippot, without even asking
a question, he says to the court clerk, "Get me a translator."
When the translator arrives, Judge Allen
points to Moshe and says to the translator, "Ask him his name, his age
and where he’s from."
The translator says to Moshe, "Die judge
vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
Moshe smiles, looks at Judge Allen and
replies in perfect English, "Your honour, my name is Moshe Cohen, I shall
be 82 tomorrow and I live in Oxford University where I’m professor of Hebrew
Philosophy."
The translator then turns to Judge Allen
and says, "Ehr zukt, ehr is Moshe Cohen, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,
und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
(#1270) Clever answer #1
Hannah worked for El Al and was stationed
at the departure gate to check tickets. A man approached and as she
extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his overcoat and ‘flashed’
her. Without blinking, Hannah said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."
(#1271) Clever answer #2
Moshe, an experienced traffic policeman,
got out of his car, walked over to the youngster he had just stopped for
speeding, asked him to wind down his window and said, "I've been waiting
for you all day."
The youngster replied, "Yes, I know, officer,
I got here as fast as I could."
When Moshe finally stopped laughing, he
sent the youngster on his way without a ticket.
(#1272) Clever answer #3
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class
of the following day’s final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for your not being here tomorrow. I’ll only consider a nuclear attack or
a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing
else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the
class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow
I said I couldn’t come in because I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle
their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically
at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess I’d say you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."
(#1273) Some Jewish Curses
May all your teeth fall out but one - and
may that one ache.
May you win the lottery - and spend it all
on hospital charges.
May you live in a house with a hundred bedrooms
- and may you wander every night from room to room and from bed to bed,
unable to sleep.
May you become very rich – and your widow’s
second husband never has to worry about making a living.
May you sell candles for a living - and then
may the sun never set.
May you be like a chandelier - hang by day
and burn by night.
May you eat chopped egg with onion; haimesher
cucumbers; pickled herring; gefilte fish (boiled fish cakes) with chrayn
(horseradish); lokshen soup (noodles) with knaydlach (matzo balls); salt
beef with latkes; boiled beef with tsimmes (carrots and fruit side dish);
potato pancakes with apple sauce; and tea with lemon every day - and may
you choke on every bite.
May you become world famous - in medical records.
May your mouth never close and your toches
never open.
May your wife eat pieces of matzo in bed -
and may you lie in the crumbs.
(#1274) Duplication not required
Rebecca’s husband has died and the funeral
is almost over. Rabbi Bloom goes up to her and says, "I don't think you'll
ever find another man like your late husband Morris."
Rebecca replies, "So who's looking for
one?"
go to fifty-ninth
set
Comments
STOP PRESS: (This is
a true story, honest). A Spanish designer has invented a washing machine
that encourages (forces, even) men to share the “washing of clothes” duties.
Question: How does the machine do this;
how can any washing machine make lazy Jewish husbands get up and operate
it when their wives are around to do it instead, you might ask?
Answer: Because it can’t be used by the
same person twice in a row. It checks the user’s fingerprints and it won’t
operate if it recognises the same prints twice in succession.
So if husbands want clean shirts, pants,
and socks, they will just have to get off their backsides and learn to
operate the washing machine.
(#1275) How to develop a GSOH (good
sense of humour)
• RULE#1: Never forget how to laugh
• RULE#2: Never forget Rule#1
(#1276) The anniversary cruise
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Bernie and Faye, a wealthy couple, are
coming up to their Ruby wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking
for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.
"Bernie," she says, "I'm going to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I
know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust
me, this one will be perfect for us. It’s called ‘Bubbeh of the Sea,’ an
intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything kosher we could ever want
to eat made available. Let’s give it a go."
Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye’s
decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK
dear."
On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye
drive up to the quay in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on
the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they
are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."
Later, the purser knocks on the door of
the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments
of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with
him this evening."
Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who
is it Faye, is there a problem?"
"This man says that Captain Cohen wants
us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.
"I told you we shouldn't have come," says
Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour
and already we have to eat with the crew."
(#1277) Almost converted
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Christine and Daniel fall in love and
decide to get married - but only on condition that Christine becomes Jewish.
So she goes to see Rabbi Levy for some advice.
Rabbi Levy tells her, "You will have to
learn how to keep a kosher home, light shabbes candles, keep two sets of
crockery and a few other simple things."
"That sounds easy to me, rabbi," says
Christine, "I can easily do that."
Then Rabbi Levy says, "The last thing
is, you must go to a mikva."
"A mikva?" says Christine, "what's that?"
"It's a pool of water," answers Rabbi
Levy, "and you must immerse yourself completely for a few seconds."
"I'm sorry, rabbi, but I have a phobia
about putting my head underwater. I'll go into the water up to my chin
but I won’t put my head under the water. Will that be OK?"
"I suppose it will do," replies Rabbi
Levy, "you’ll be mostly Jewish but you will still have a 'Goyisha kop'."
(#1278) Salty story
[My thanks to Daniel R for
the following]
Aaron is out shopping in Golders Green
when he remembers that he has guests coming over for tea and needs to buy
some tea bags. He goes into ‘Moshe the Grocer’ and starts looking for tea
bags. As he walks down the first aisle, he can’t help but notice
that all the shelves are packed with bags of salt. Shelf after shelf, in
aisle after aisle, all packed with bags of salt. So he calls for the manager.
"Can I help you?" says Moshe.
"Yes you can," replies Aaron, "I’ve come
in here to buy some tea bags and all I can find is salt. What kind of grocer
do you call yourself? It’s a bit pointless, isn’t it, just selling salt?
I just don’t believe you can sell all this salt."
"I couldn’t agree with you more," says
Moshe, "I personally can’t sell much salt, but oy veh, the sales rep who
sold me the salt – can he sell salt!"
(#1279) The lawyer’s lament
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Moshe the lawyer arrived home at 10pm
and opened his front door. He was shattered after a day of trying to get
a stay of execution for William Rite. This client of Moshe’s was due to
be executed for murder at midnight and his last minute plea for clemency
had failed. So as he entered his house, Moshe was understandably feeling
very tired and depressed.
But when Moshe walked in, there was his
Hetty waiting for him. "So what time of night do you call this?" she shouted
at him, "Where have you been?"
Too weary to play his usual role in this
familiar ritual, Moshe walked past her, went into the front room, poured
himself a large whiskey, downed it in one go, then headed upstairs for
a relaxing hot bath – all the time pursued by the predictable sarcastic
remarks.
The phone rang while Moshe was in the
bath and when Hetty answered it, she was told that Moshe’s client had been
granted his stay of execution after all. Quickly realising what a day Moshe
must have had, she felt sorry for him and went upstairs to give him the
good news. As Hetty opened the bathroom door, all she saw of Moshe was
his naked rear view as he was bending over drying his feet. "They're not
hanging Rite tonight," she said to Moshe.
Immediately, Moshe whirled around and
screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Hetty, don't you ever stop?"
(#1280) At the country club
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Aaron and Rivka move to the suburbs and
join the new, very elite, Country Club. But just before their first meal
at the club, Aaron is feeling somewhat anxious about Rivka’s lack of finesse
and so decides to give her some advice.
"Rivka," he says, "ven ve go to dee club
and dee vaiter asks you vaht you vahnt for ah drink, please don't say `ah
glass Manishevitz vine.' At a club like dis, you don't esk for Manishevitz
vine."
"Well, Aaron," she replies, "if I can’t
esk for Manishevitz, vot should I esk for?"
"You should esk for ah Martini," replies
Aaron, "every lady drinks Martini. You'll like it."
That evening at the club, as the smartly
dressed drinks waiter arrives at their table to take their order, Rivka
is ready. "Madam, may I bring you a cocktail?"
Rivka replies, "Yes, I'll have ah Martini."
"Dry?" asks the waiter.
"No," replies Rivka, "tzvei iz genug (two
is enough)."
(#1281) Bits & pieces from the Jewish
vaudeville comics
• I've been in love with the same woman
for 40 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
• What are the three words a woman never
wants to hear when she’s making love? "Darling, I'm home."
• Someone stole all my credit cards, but
I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.
• My wife and I went back to the hotel
where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom
and cried.
• My wife and I went to a hotel where
we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
• She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
• She got a mudpack and looked great for
two days. Then the mud fell off.
• I was just in London - there is an 8-hour
time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
• The doctor says, "You'll live to be
60!" "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
• A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's
chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what
puzzles me!"
• "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
"Don't answer!"
• A drunk was in front of a judge. The
judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay,
let's get started."
• A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who’s
working!"
• There was a girl knocking on my hotel
room door all night. Finally, I let her out.
• I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
• I wish my brother would learn a trade
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
(#1282) At the races
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Jacob goes to the races for the first
time. As soon as he arrives at Ascot, not knowing anything about horse
racing, he goes straight to the paddock to take a closer look. To his surprise,
Jacob sees a rabbi blessing one of the horses. Jacob thinks he must be
onto a good thing so he writes down the number of the horse and places
a £3 bet on it. The horse wins and Jacob wins £21.
Jacob immediately returns to the paddock
and there, as before, he sees the rabbi blessing another horse. He writes
down the number of this horse and bets his £21 winnings on it. It
comes in first and Jacob now has over £100.
This process goes on race after race until
Jacob has won £4,650.
It’s now time for the last race of the
day and Jacob watches the rabbi bless the final horse. So confident is
Jacob that, although the horse is a 20-1 outsider, he bets his entire £4,650
on it. But, Oy Veh, this time the horse struggles in last, a good 20 lengths
behind the field.
Jacob is so upset with this outcome that
he runs over to the rabbi and says angrily, "Why did every horse you bless
win except the last one, rabbi? He came in last."
The rabbi replies, "That's the problem
with you Reform Jews. You don't know the difference between a brocheh and
a kaddish."
(#1283) Breaking the bad news
[My thanks to BRS for the
following]
The time comes for Monty to break the
news to his fiancée Leah. "Darling," he says, "I have some bad news.
I’m breaking off our engagement."
"Oh why?" she sobs.
"Because I’m going to marry another woman."
"Why? Can she cook better than me?" sobs
Leah.
"No, not even on her best days," Monty
replies.
"And will she buy you expensive presents
like I always do? Will she take you on holidays and pay for the trips as
I do?"
"No, she can’t - she's not rich like you,
she’s very poor."
"Well then," sobs Leah, "is it the sex?
Has she done things to you better than I’ve done?"
"Absolutely no," replies Monty, "nobody
makes love better than you."
"Then what on earth can she do that I
can't?" Leah asks.
"Sue me for child support," replies Monty.
(#1284) Philosophical questions
Moshe thought himself to be a clever thinker,
a philosopher, even. How do I know this? Well, he keeps on asking me questions
such as,
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• If I went to a bookshop and asked for
the self-help section, would it be defeating the purpose?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What was the best thing before sliced
bread?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as
adults enjoy adultery?
• Why are haemorrhoids called "haemorrhoids"
instead of "asteroids"?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour
cream?
(#1285) The converts
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Benjamin is offered a high powered job
as Head of Finance at Utah Life Assurance Inc. He and his Sarah sell their
house in New York and move to Utah. But Benjamin is unaware that it had
been a difficult decision for the ULA President to offer him the job.
Even after Benjamin starts work, the ULA
directors continue to put pressure on the President behind Benjamin’s back.
"We’re all Mormons on the board and we’ve never had someone Jewish on the
board before. We find this very difficult to accept." But they also
know that Benjamin is proving to be the best. He’s a financial genius,
a financial guru.
After much careful thought, the President
decides on a course of action and calls Benjamin to his office. "I’m afraid
I’ve run into some opposition to your appointment. If you want to keep
your $400,000 a year position, you’ll have to convert. Please let
me know by tomorrow what you decide."
Benjamin has no choice. However difficult
it might be to convert, it’s easier than losing his great new job. So he
goes home and tells Sarah, "It’s simple, from this Sunday we’ll be going
to church with our children."
Over the months that follow, Sarah doesn’t
stop nagging. "It’s so difficult for me…I miss shul…shabbes….lighting the
candles…kiddush…festivals etc. You know Benjamin, money isn’t everything."
The more she nags him, the worse Benjamin’s
conscience bothers him, until finally he’s had enough. He goes back to
the ULA President. "I can’t go on like this, sir, my troubles are eating
me up inside. Money isn’t everything to me. Neither I nor Sarah can sleep
at night. It’s too much for us. I made the wrong decision. We were
born Jews and we want to die Jews. If you want me to quit, I’ll go without
making a fuss."
The president looks at him in amazement
and says, "Listen Benjamin, I had no idea it was so tough for you. I thought
switching religions would be simple. But you are doing an excellent job
here and I don’t want to loose you. Stay here and you can be as Jewish
as you want - I’ll take care of the directors."
Benjamin goes home to Sarah feeling absolutely
great. "Our troubles are over at last, darling," he says to her, "I’ve
spoken to the President and he’s letting me keep my job and he said we
can go back to being Jewish immediately."
Sarah looks at him with anger in her eyes.
"Tell me, are you stupid or what?"
Benjamin is shocked. "But I thought that
was what you wanted all along, to be Jewish once more. Don’t you want to
go back to being Jewish?"
Sarah looks very upset and replies, "Of
course I do, but now, just 2 weeks before Pesach?"
(#1286) Aren’t children fantastic?
[My thanks to Sue for the
following]
1. I was driving with my three young children
one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked. I was still in shock when I heard my
5 year old daughter Suzy shout from the back, "Mummy, she isn't wearing
a seat belt."
2. My 4 year old son Benjy came running
out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush down the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the bin. Benjy stood there thinking
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this
one out too then mummy, because it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
3. Little Moshe got lost at the Maccabi
club and found himself in the women's changing room. When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running to
hide. Moshe watched in amazement and shouted, "What's wrong, haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?"
4. While working for my shul delivering
lunches to elderly Jewish women living at home, I used to take
my 4 year old daughter Esther with me. She was always intrigued by the
various appliances of old age, such as walking sticks, zimmer frames and
wheelchairs. One day I found Esther staring at a pair of false teeth soaking
in a glass of water. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy
will never believe this."
5. When 4 year old Sam opened the family
bible, something fell out of it. He picked up the object and looked at
it. It was old leaf that had been pressed between the pages. "Mummy, look
what I found," he said. "What have you found, bubbeleh?" I asked. Sam replied,
"I think it's Adam's underwear."
(#1287) The stork brought you
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
One day, 5 year old Arnold asks his father,
"Daddy, how was I born?"
His father replies, "Arnold, my son, I
guess one day you’ll need to find out so I’ll tell you. Well, you see your
mummy and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date
via e-mail to meet her at a cyber-cafe. We then sneaked into a secluded
room where your mummy agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon
as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us had used a firewall
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
little Pop-Up appeared and said, 'You've Got Male!'"
(#1288) The sleeper
Issy is sitting in shul one shabbes morning
when he falls asleep and starts to snore. The shammes quickly comes over
to him, taps him softly on his shoulder and says, "Please stop your snoring,
Issy, you’re disturbing the others in the shul."
"Now look here," says Issy, "I always
pay my shul subscription in full so I feel I have a right to do whatever
I want."
"Yes, I agree," replies the shammes, "but
your snoring is keeping everybody else awake."
(#1289) I’m ashamed
Howard is one of the laziest men around
and refuses to look for a job. One day, as he is lying flat out on the
couch, his wife Becky says to him, "I'm so ashamed of the way we live,
Howard."
"What do you mean by that?" Howard asks.
"Surely I don’t have to remind you," she
replies, "that we are so poor, my mother buys our kosher food, my father
pays our mortgage and your sister buys our clothes. Why, even your aunt
has just bought us a car. Aren’t you just a little bit ashamed?"
Howard sits up on the couch and replies,
"You should be ashamed too. Benjy and Jacob, your two worthless brothers,
have never given us a penny."
(#1290) Signs on Synagogue Notice Boards
• Under the same management for over 5763
years
• Beat the Rosh Hashana rush, come to
shul this shabbes
• Don't give up. Even Moses was
once a basket case!
• Come to shul early for a good seat
• What part of, "Thou shalt not….," don't
you understand?
(#1291) The bris
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
The bris is over. Baby Sam has been circumcised
and the rabbi, family and friends have all left the house. Moshe and Sadie
are quietly sitting in their lounge when their 4 year old son Benny comes
crying into the room. Sadie asks him what is wrong.
Benny sobs, "In his speech, Rabbi Bloom
said he wants us brought up in a Jewish home - and I want to stay with
you guys!"
(#1292) Miracle cure
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Doctor Simon is known throughout London
as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room
full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Hetty,
an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely
bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for
her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.
15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise,
she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding
her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting
room says to Hetty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent
in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell
me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he
just gave me a longer walking stick."
(#1293) Sinai tourist
Peter, a tourist wondering through the
Sinai desert, gets lost and very soon is very tired and desperate for some
water. Then, just when he had given up hope, he sees in the distance
a tiny oasis, consisting of a few palm trees. When he arrives, he
sees a sign saying MOSHE’S TIE WAREHOUSE and there, sitting under one of
the trees in the shade is Moshe himself.
Moshe is reading the Jerusalem Post. Next
to him is a table displaying dozens of different kinds of patterned coloured
ties. So Peter goes over to Moshe and asks for some water.
Moshe says, "I'm sorry, but I don't have
any water. However, since you're here, would you like to buy a tie?"
Peter is angry. "What good is a tie to
me in my condition? Can't you see that all I need is some water? You know
where you can stuff your fancy ties."
Moshe says, "It’s no good being rude to
me. If you don’t want a tie, then don’t buy a tie. Whether you do or not
is up to you. But the fact of the matter is that I still don’t have any
water for you."
As Peter begins to walk away, Moshe calls
him back and pointing, says, "OK, I'll tell you where you can get some
water. If you walk in that direction for about 30 minutes, you’ll come
to a restaurant. It's owned by my brother Max and there you'll be
able to get plenty of food and water. So Peter starts walking and soon
disappears over the sand dunes. Moshe just continues to read his paper.
Two hours later Peter returns to Moshe’s
Tie Warehouse, crawling on his hands and knees. He is now extremely desperate
for water and practically on his last breath. Moshe asks, "So what happened?
Didn't you find Max’s restaurant? "
"Oh, I found the restaurant alright,"
gasped Peter, "but Max wouldn't let me in without a tie."
(#1294) Biblical riddles - 1
Q: Who was the greatest male financier
in the Bible?
A: Noah - he was floating his stock
while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q: Who was the greatest female financier
in the Bible?
A: Pharaoh’s daughter - she went
down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q: What kind of man was Boaz before
he got married?
A: Ruth-less.
Q: What kind of motor vehicle is
mentioned in the Bible?
A: David's Triumph was heard throughout
the land.
Q: Who was the greatest comedian
in the Bible?
A: Samson - he brought the house
down.
go to sixtieth set
Comments
(#1295) Reception meeting
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business.
It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes
clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor
and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a
stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure
he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel,
she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
"Hello," she says to him.
"Hello to you too," he says.
"I have a confession to make," she says.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.
"Nu, so go on," he says.
"I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic
man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands
over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess,
eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play
with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a
room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says,
"And what's in it for me?"
(#1296) After my check-up
[My thanks to Daniel S for
the following]
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan
meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday.
They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical
check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?"
All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful
doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had.
He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They
agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends,
"Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor
Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could
expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor
Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could
expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was
for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t
say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how
his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been
loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly
booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was.
When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming.
Have a nice day.’"
(#1297) Heavenly home
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Yitzhak and Sharon have been eating the
healthiest and most organic of foods for over 10 years – mainly at the
insistence of Sharon. She also ensures that they regularly attend keep
fit classes, so although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent
health. But their good health doesn’t help them when their car collides
with a lorry on the M25 motorway and they’re both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes
them to a beautiful house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their
favourite clothes are hanging in the bedroom’s wardrobes and the kitchen
is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the house’s extensive grounds.
Yitzhak and Sharon are thrilled when the guide says, "Welcome to your new
home."
In their previous life, they were not
very well off and survived by watching their pennies, so Yitzhak asks,
"How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing," replies the guide, "this is
your reward in Heaven."
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left
of the waterfall is a golf course, more beautiful than any he’d seen on
Earth. "What are the green fees?" he asks.
"This is heaven," replies the guide, "you
can play for free, every day."
The guide then takes them into to the
clubhouse. "Wow!" says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid
out before them. There is every kind of food, from seafood to steaks to
exotic desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
"Don't even ask," says the guide, "this
is Heaven, it’s all free for you to enjoy."
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously
at Sharon and asks, "Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and
the decaffeinated coffee?"
"That's the best part," replies the guide,
"you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll
never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Yitzhak says "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," replies the
guide.
"No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or
blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy
yourself," replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at
Sharon and says, "If it wasn’t for your stupid bran cereals, your yucky
unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted crisps, your silly small
portions, your watery alcohol-free Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly
low fat everything, we could have been here ten years ago!"
(#1298) Biblical riddles - 2
Q: How did Adam & Eve feel when
expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A: They were really put out.
Q: What did Adam tell his kids as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
Q: The ark was built in 3 stories
and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light
to the bottom 2 stories?
A: They used flood lights.
Q: Who was the greatest babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A: David - he rocked Goliath
to sleep.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David
hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head
before.
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you
tell him the joke about David & Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.
Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments
at once.
(#1299) Another riddle
Q: What brocheh does one say before taking
Viagra?
A: There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim
- Staighten those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo -
Arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim
- Raise the dead.
(#1300) The fishing trip
Lionel, Benny, Max and Hyman are out fishing
early one Sunday morning. After an hour of fishing, Lionel suddenly breaks
the silence and says, "You three have no idea what I had to do before I
could come out fishing today. I had to promise my Rivkah that I would decorate
our bedroom next Sunday."
"That's nothing," says Benny, "I had to
promise my Leah that I would build her a new terrace by the swimming pool."
"Well," says Max, "you both had it easy.
I had to promise my Sharon that I would completely refit our kitchen with
new mahogany cupboards and the latest state of the art equipment."
But Hyman has not said a word so they
ask him what he did to come out fishing. Hyman replies, "I just set my
alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I gave my Faye a firm nudge and said,
‘Fishing or Sex?’ She replied, "Don’t forget your sweater."
(#1301) Medical disciplines
It’s the funeral of Moshe the cardiologist
and Avrahom and Hymie are there to pay their last respects. Behind
Moshe’s coffin stands a huge red heart covered in hundreds of flowers.
Following the eulogy, the heart suddenly opens, the coffin moves slowly
inside and the heart shuts, enclosing Moshe inside the beautiful heart
forever. Avrahom immediately bursts out laughing.
"What’s so funny?" asks one of the congregation.
"I'm sorry," replies Avrahom, "but I can’t
help thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."
Hymie, the proctologist, then faints.
(#1302) How sad
[My thanks to Henry M for
the following]
Moshe meets his friend in Hendon.
"Hi Abe, how are things with you?"
"OK, I suppose," replies Abe, rather gloomily.
"So why the long face?" asks Moshe.
“Because I just found a full pay packet
in the gutter, that’s why," answers Abe.
"Well surely that’s no reason to be miserable?"
says Moshe.
"It is - when you see how much the
Inland Revenue has taxed me," replies Abe
(#1303) Prevention policy
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a
lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says,
"I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer.
I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."
Nathan is initially shocked. But then,
being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the
doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.
"Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate
when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so
good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer. So I suggest
we go to my golf club for a few drinks."
4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two
are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses
of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious
as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, we’re drinking
to my impending death. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS."
His club mates are shocked. They give
Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says,
"Dad, you tell me you’re dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you’re
dying of AIDS. I don’t understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them
sleeping with your Mum after I’m gone."
(#1304) Adult hide and seek
[My thanks to Nat A for
the following]
Mary and Naomi arrive at the pearly gates
at the same time and soon start to discuss how they died. Mary says, "I
froze to death."
"Oy veh! What a horrible way to die,"
remarks Naomi.
"It wasn't so bad, really," says Mary,
"After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to feel warm and sleepy
and not long after, I died quite peacefully. What about you? How did you
die?"
Naomi replies, "I died of a massive heart
attack."
"So how did it happen?" asks Mary.
"I felt sure that mine Bernie was cheating
on me with a shiksa, so I came home early to try to catch them in the act.
But when I crept into the house, I found Bernie alone watching TV."
"So then what happened?" asks Mary.
Naomi replies, "Well, I was sure there
was another woman somewhere in the house so I started running all over
the place looking for her. I ran upstairs and searched every one of my
8 bedrooms and their en-suite bathrooms, checking under every king-sized
bed. I searched the games room and then ran downstairs into the garage
and looked inside our Bentley convertible. I went through every room in
the house checking every cupboard and looking behind every designer curtain.
I even went into our loft. I was running around like a meshuggeneh. Finally,
exhausted and stressed, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer,"
says Mary. "If you had, we'd both still be alive."
(#1305) Alex’s bubbeh’s favourite sayings
(translated from the Yiddish-Russian slang)
[My thanks to Alex S for
the following]
• The length of ‘a minute’ depends on
which side of the toilet door you are.
• (to her daughter): ‘please lower your
voice to a plain scream.’
• (about results of her facelift): ‘Now
I’ve got only one wrinkle and I sit on it.’
(#1306) The delivery
The new postman is delivering a registered
parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her
head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"
"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy,"
he replies.
"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or
just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.
"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.
"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.
"It’s from John Lewis department store,
madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie
asks.
"Yes, madam," he replies, "it’s from Oxford
Street."
"Does it say what’s in it?" Sadie asks.
"It says it’s from their Writing Instruments
department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."
"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can’t do that."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Sadie replies, "I’m Sadie Cohen.
Mrs Levy lives next door."
(#1307) The rabbi’s sermons
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
The shabbes service finishes and the congregation
is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai
goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a
good sermon today - you should have it published."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just
between you and me, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"That’s good news," says Mordechai, "and
the sooner the better."
(#1308) The handywoman
Rivkah, a beautiful blonde, is fed up
being typecast by men as silly, useless, and starry-eyed. "I’m as good
as most men I meet," she says to herself and makes a decision to prove
it - she will earn some decent money by hiring herself out as a handyman.
First thing next morning, Rivkah begins
canvassing the wealthy Hampstead neighbourhood and starts by ringing the
bell of the first house in the first road she comes to. This happens to
be Moshe and Leah’s house. When Moshe opens his door, Rivkah asks him if
he has any jobs for her to do. "Well, my porch needs painting. How much
will you charge me?"
Rivkah thinks for a while, then replies,
"£40."
"OK," says Moshe, "you’re hired. You’ll
find the paint, paintbrushes, primers, scrapers and other such tools in
my garage. It’s not locked."
When Rivka goes into the garage, Leah
says to Moshe, "Do you think the girl realises that we have a very large
porch?"
"That’s up to her to have found out,"
replies Moshe, "let’s leave her to it."
Thirty minutes later, Rivkah knocks on
the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Rivkah, "and as I had paint
left over, I gave it an extra coat."
Impressed, Moshe reaches into his pocket
for his wallet. But before he could pull it out, Rivkah says, "And by the
way, it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari."
(#1309) Furniture moves
Rivkah gets into work late one Monday
morning and goes to see her boss to apologise. "I’m sorry I’m late, but
I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact
my back is killing me after my efforts."
"So why didn’t you wait until your husband
gets home tonight?" asks her boss.
"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
(#1310) The funeral procession
One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks
with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession
coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse
and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is
walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the
woman are 50 other women walking single file.
Sarah is very curious and goes over to
the woman with the dog and says, "I’m sorry about your loss."
"Thank you," says the woman, "you’re very
kind."
"I know it’s a bad time to ask," says
Sarah, "but whose funeral is this?"
"It’s my husband's funeral," replies the
woman.
"So what happened to him?" asks Sarah.
The woman replies, "My dog attacked and
killed him."
"And who is in the second hearse?" asks
Sarah.
The woman answers, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence
passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?" asks Sarah.
"Go to the back of the line," replies
the woman.
(#1311) Women's prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for: -
Wisdom - to understand a man
Love - to forgive him, and
Patience - for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
just beat him to death
(#1312) The hot spot
Unusually for a mid August day in Golders
Green, it’s very, very hot. Sadie has been busy. She’s washed the floor,
made the evening’s roast meal and taken the washing out of the washing
machine and hung them up. Then she leaves the house to go pick up some
dry cleaning. As Sadie walks to the shops, she’s perspiring profusely so
when she comes to a pub, she says to herself, "Gootness, it's hotter dan
hell today, so vy nodt? I must go ged a drink or I’ll pass out."
She enters. When the bartender asks what
she would like to drink, all she can think of is a cold beer, her Nathan’s
favourite drink when he’s hot. So she replies, "Ya know, it is zo hot,
I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" asks the bartender.
Sadie blushes and replies, "Vell fine,
tanks, und how's yu pecker?"
(#1313) The stupid golfer
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
Hymie is an avid golfer (if truth be known,
he's a golf fanatic). Every Sunday morning he gets up at 6am because he
has an early tee time. He then plays golf all day long.
One Sunday morning, Hymie gets up early
as usual, dresses quietly so as not to disturb his Leah, gets his clubs
out of the study and goes to his car. But it’s raining torrentially, there
is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. So he goes
back into the house, finds the weather channel on the internet and discovers
that it's going to be terrible weather all day long.
He then puts his clubs back into the study,
quietly undresses, slips back into bed, cuddles up to Leah’s back and whispers,
"The weather’s terrible."
Without moving, Leah replies, "Can you
believe my meshugga Hymie is out golfing?"
(#1314) Funeral arrangements
Aaron is over 90 years old and is close
to death. Nevertheless, he is surprised to overhear his two sons discussing
his funeral arrangements. "Let’s order two dozen bottles of whiskey and
kosher red wine, plus ten plates each of smoked salmon bagels, egg and
onion rolls, shmaltz herring, fish balls, mixed olives, rye bread and cakes,
and invite all the mourners back to mum’s house afterwards," says Joshua.
"Are you crazy?" says Mervyn, "That would
cost too much. Better we give everyone just a cup of tea and a piece of
cake."
"OK," says Joshua, "but I think we should
hire ten Rolls Royces to take family and mourners to and from Bushey Cemetery,"
says Joshua.
"Are you meshugga?" says Mervyn, "That’s
much too extravagant. All we need do to save money is hire just one large
Ford for you, me and mum. The rest can find their own means of transport."
Just then, Joshua and Mervyn hear Aaron’s
faint voice from upstairs. "Mervyn, will you please fetch me a nice clean
pair of trousers."
"But dad, you know what the doctor told
you," says Mervyn, "you must stay quietly in bed and not over-exert yourself."
"Yes, I know, Mervyn," says his father,
"but I’ve decided to walk to Bushey cemetery. It will save you having to
hire a hearse."
go to sixtyfirst set
Comments
(#1315) The promise
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Moshe is driving to Golders Green where
he has an important meeting to attend. But when he gets there, he can’t
find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther
away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says,
"Oh Lord, if you will find me a parking place in the next five minutes,
I promise you I will stop gambling, I’ll eat only kosher food, I’ll stop
going with shiksas and I’ll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling
out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Moshe looks
up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there’s no need for you to find me a parking
place - I've already found one."
(#1316) Not like me
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and
almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing, just like Hymie."
"Who’s Hymie?" asks Max.
"Hymie Gold, of course," says the cabbie,
"now there's someone who got what he wanted - like a taxi just when he
needed it. Not like me - I always have to wait ages when I need something."
"No one’s perfect," says Max.
"Except Hymie," says the cabbie. "Hymie
was a great athlete and could have played football for Arsenal. Not like
me - I’m just a couch potato."
"So am I," says Max.
"And," says the cabbie, "Hymie danced
like Astaire. Not like me – I’ve got two left feet."
"Sounds like Hymie was really someone
special," says Max.
"You can say that again," says the cabbie.
"He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me - I always forget
important birthdays and anniversaries. And Hymie could fix anything in
the house. Not like me - if I change a fuse, the whole neighbourhood has
a power failure."
"Wow," says Max, "there aren’t many men
around like Hymie."
The cabbie continues. "And Hymie knew
how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered
her back even if she was in the wrong. Not like me - I’m always getting
into arguments with my wife."
"What an amazing person," says Max, "how
did you meet him?"
"Well, I never actually met Hymie," replies
the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
asks Max.
"I married his widow," replies the cabbie.
(#1317) A father’s memory
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Benjy is visiting Brent Cross shopping
centre one day when a beautiful woman comes up to him and with a smile
on her face says, "Hello!"
Benjy looks at her and can’t remember
seeing her before.
Noticing the blank look on his face, she
thinks she must be mistaken and apologizes. "I'm really sorry," she says,
"but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children."
She then walks away.
Benjy at first thinks, "What’s the world
coming to when a woman can't keep track of the fathers of her children?"
Then he panics, thinking, "But just because
I don't remember her, what if she was at one of the wild parties I attended
when I was at University? Maybe I did father her child."
So he catches up with her and asks, "Are
you the girl I met at a party at Oxford University and then we got really
drunk and had wild sex behind the boat house?"
"Oh no", she replies, with a horrified
look on her face, "I'm your son's second grade teacher."
(#1318) What men are like
[My thanks to Henry M for
the following]
• Men are like …Laxatives …They
irritate the sh*t out of you.
• Men are like …Bananas …The older they
get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like …Weather …Nothing can be
done to change them.
• Men are like …Chocolate …Sweet, smooth
& usually head for your hips.
• Men are like …Commercials …You can't
believe a word they say.
• Men are like …Department Stores …Their
clothes are always 1/2 off.
• Men are like …Government Bonds …They
take sooooooo long to mature.
• Men are like …Mascara …They usually
run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like …Popcorn …They satisfy
you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like …Snowstorms …You never
know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will
last.
• Men are like …Lava Lamps …Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
• Men are like …Parking Spaces …All the
good ones are taken.
(#1319) Satire
Following the death of Morris Gorski,
a popular and wealthy businessman, it was discovered that a clause in his
will stated that his heirs would only be entitled to get their share of
his money by visiting his grave on a weekly basis. Surprisingly, The Jewish
Board has agreed to put a special cash machine near his grave to allow
his heirs to collect up to £750 a time when they turn up. A special
debit card has been issued to 25 of Morris’s heirs which they can use at
the graveside as well as being able to use elsewhere.
"When Uncle Morris said he was going to
do this, we thought he was joking," said his niece. I would have visited
his grave anyway, but I guess Uncle Morris wanted to ensure that other
family members got an incentive to visit him."
According to the Board, “If the test project
involving Mr Gorski proves popular, other people will get the opportunity
to have cash machines near their graves. As the forward thinking Jewish
group we are, we like to consider all ideas. Before Mr Gorski died, he
asked us if such a special cash machine was something we would consider
for him. We listened and thought it was a wonderful idea especially as
he felt it was a way to encourage family members to visit him. We consulted
with members of the Board who agreed that when the time came to honour
Mr Gorski’s request, we would."
(#1320) Wedding night advice
Joe is talking to his soon-to-be-married
son Abe. "Let me give you some advice, Abe. On my wedding night, I took
off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on.’
Your mother did as she was told and said, ‘These are too big - I can't
wear them.’ So I said to her, ‘And don’t you forget it. I wear the
trousers in our house and always will.’ Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems."
Abe thought this was such good advice
that on his honeymoon, he takes off his trousers and says to his bride,
"Here Rifka, try these on."
She does, then says, "But these are too
large - they don't fit me."
Abe says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers
in our house and always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
So Rifka takes off her panties, hands
them to Abe and says, "Here, you try on mine."
Abe tries but has to admit, "I can't get
into your panties."
Rifka responds, "Exactly. And if you don't
change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
(#1321) Regular sex
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Hyman and Sadie, an elderly couple, go
for their annual medical. Hyman goes in first and after examining him,
doctor Cohen says, "You appear to be in good health, Hyman. Do you have
any medical concerns you would like to discuss?"
"Yes I do," says Hyman. "After I have
sex with mine Sadie, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have
sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."
"That’s odd," says doctor Cohen, "I’ll
ask Sadie about it when I check her out."
Soon it was Sadie’s turn. After examining
her, doctor Cohen says, "Everything appears to be fine, Sadie. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"No doctor," she replies.
Doctor Cohen then says, "Hyman has an
unusual problem. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having
sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Can you think of why this might be?"
"Oh that stupid shmuck of a husband of
mine," Sadie replies, "it's because we have sex only twice a year - once
in the summer and once in the winter."
(#1322) Open-and shut case
Nathan is talking to his solicitor. "Here’s
the deal, Abe. If you’re absolutely sure I’ll win the case, I’ll give you
the business."
"OK," replies Abe, "but before I can give
you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."
So Nathan goes into great detail about
his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you’ve heard everything,
do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"
"Well," replies Abe, "from what I’ve just
heard, it’s clear to me that you will win. It’s rare to have such an open-and-shut
case."
Nathan goes very white when he hears this.
"What’s the matter?" asks Abe.
"I told you my partner’s side of the case,"
replies Nathan.
(#1323) The head strike
Moshe and his friend Issy were half way
through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes
Moshe on the back of his head. "Gevalt." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back
of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise.
But Moshe is having none of it.
"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe.
"If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club. Do you
see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor
as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for £5,000."
"But … but," says Hymie, "didn’t you hear
me? I shouted FORE."
"OK," says Moshe, "I’ll take it."
(#1324) The flower streaker
[My thanks to Yvonne S for
the following]
Rachel and Fay, two old ladies, are sitting
on a bench outside Hendon Town Hall where a flower show is taking place.
Fay leans over to Rachel and says, "Don’t
you think life has got very boring? I just don’t seem to have fun anymore.
You know what? For £10, I'd take off my clothes and run naked right
through that stupid flower show over the road."
"You're on," says Rachel, holding up a
£10 note.
So Fay fumbles her way out of her clothes
as fast as she can. Then, completely naked, she streaks across the road
and into the front door of the flower show, leaving Rachel wondering what
will happen next. Rachel doesn’t have long to wait. She hears a huge commotion
inside the town hall, followed by loud applause. Then Fay, still naked,
bursts out of the building and, followed by a cheering crowd, runs back
over to her friend.
"Nu, so what happened?" asks Rachel.
"I won the first prize as Best Dried Arrangement,"
replies Fay.
(#1325) What a day
One afternoon Max comes home from work
to find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, naked,
soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the
lawn, rubbish spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled
up and are lying on the path.
The front door to their house is wide
open and there’s no sign of their dog. As Max enters his house, he finds
an even bigger mess. The nest of tables are lying on their sides, all the
vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair
cushions are lying where they were thrown and one of the children has been
sick over the carpet. The TV is blaring out and the children’s room
is strewn inches deep with toys and various items of clothing.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the
sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the
food has been cleared up, the fridge door is wide open and there’s dog
food on the floor.
He’s quite worried by now and heads up
the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys
and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling
under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels,
spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere.
He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas
and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, "How did your day go, darling?"
Max looks at her bewildered and asks,
"What happened here today, Fay?"
She again smiles, "You know every day
when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do
today?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," says Fay, "today I didn't do it."
(#1326) A holy event
Did you hear about Rivkah who divorced
her bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?
She went from batter to verse.
(#1327) Birthday wishes
Maurice and Hettie are out shopping one
morning when Hettie says, "Darling, it’s my mother's birthday tomorrow.
What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Maurice replies, "How about a chair?"
(#1328) Jewish Mothers
• Mothers only offer advice twice,
when you want it and when you don’t.
• A mother’s love is a better cure than
chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
• Your mother is the only person who knows
more about you than you know about yourself.
• If you can’t remember whether or not
you called your mother, you didn’t.
• The motherly advice you ignore will
always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
• If you forget, your mother will remind
you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
• Anything you do can be criticized by
your mother - even doing nothing.
• You can’t "out mother" your mother.
Don’t even try.
• Never lie to your mother. And if you
do, never think you got away with it.
• The harder you try to hide something
from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
• The older you are, the more you feel
like a child around your mother.
• Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe
it, ask her.
(#1329) The Jewish Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . Reservations
(#1330) The barmitzvah space boy
Abe had done very well in business and
had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique
and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be?
He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done
it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it
– he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space
boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off
with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they
returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the
bubbeh.
"How was the service, grandma?" asked
the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
"OK," she replied.
"And how was David’s speech?"
"OK."
"So how was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you
more enthusiastic? What went wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere."
(#1331) The miser
Jonathan had worked hard all his life
and had saved most of his earnings. He was a real miser when came to his
money, which he loved more than just about anything.
Just before he died, Jonathan said to
his wife, "Now listen, Sarah, when I die, I want you to take all my money
and place it in the coffin with me. Please do this because I want to take
my money with me to the afterlife. Promise me."
She promised she would.
Finally the day came when Jonathan died.
At his funeral, Sarah was with her best friend Rebecca. After they
had buried him, Rebecca said to Sarah, "I hope you weren't stupid to put
all that money in there with Jonathan."
Sarah replied, "Well, I promised him -
I'm a good Jew and I can't lie. I promised him that I would put that
money in with him."
"You mean to tell me," said Rebecca, "you
put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did," said Sarah, "I got it all
together, put it into my bank account and wrote him out a cheque."
(#1332) The Harrow marathon
[My thanks to Michael W
for the following]
Sadie from Harrow is having a daytime
affair while her husband Cyril is at work. One wet and rainy day she’s
in bed with her boyfriend Morris when to her horror she hears Cyril’s car
pull into the driveway. She looks out the window and yells to Morris,
"Quick, jump out the window, my husband's home early."
"I can't jump out the window - it's raining,"
says Morris.
"If my Cyril catches us together, he'll
kill us both," she says. "He's got a jealous temper and a large gun.
The rain is the least of your problems."
So Morris gets out of bed, grabs his clothes
and jumps out the window. As he begins running down the street in the pouring
rain, he discovers he’s run right into the middle of the Harrow Marathon.
There’s not much he can do but continue to run alongside the real runners.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in
as best he can. After a while, a group of runners who have been studying
him with some curiosity, jog closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" asks
one of them.
"Oh yes," replies Morris, gasping for
air, "it feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moves alongside. "Do you
always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," Morris answers, breathlessly,
"that way I can quickly get dressed at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home."
Then a third runner casts his eyes a little
lower down and asks Morris, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Oh no," replies Morris, "only when it's
raining."
(#1333) Early suspicion
Adam stays out very late for a few nights
and Eve becomes upset. "You're running around with other women," she tells
her mate.
"Eve, darling, you're being unreasonable,"
says Adam. "You know you're the only woman on earth for me."
The quarrel continues until Adam falls
asleep, only to be woken up by a strange pain in his chest. It’s Eve poking
him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks
Adam.
"I’m counting your ribs," replies Eve.
(#1334) Shortest fairy tale ever
[My thanks to Simon C for
the following]
Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish
Princess from Golders Green, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
And the man lived happily ever after.
THE END
go to sixtysecond
set
Comments
(#1335) The system
Bernard and Issy are having a serious
chat about women. Bernard says, "Whenever I see a woman, Issy, I give her
a rating of between 1 and 10."
"So what," says Issy, "I do the same."
"But my system is different," says Bernard,
"I score Jewish women differently to non-Jewish women."
"That’s new to me," says Issy. "So in
your system, what’s a Jewish 10?"
"That’s a woman who I would normally rate
a ‘4’ but who has £1,000,000."
(#1336) Protective
Little Sam is bored. So he goes over to
his mother and asks, "Mum, can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"
"OK, bubbeleh," says his mother, "but
don’t go too close."
(#1337) D-I-Y
Did you hear about the famous mohel Rabbi
Bloom who ran his own PR Company? He saved his own clippings.
(#1338) Change over
Abe goes to see Doctor Myers and says,
"I want to become a woman."
"You must be joking," says Doctor Myers.
"No I’m not," says Abe, "I’m serious about
it. Are you willing to perform the necessary operations on me?"
"No, definitely not," replies Doctor Myers.
"So who will do it?" asks Abe.
"Well I shouldn’t tell you this," replies
Doctor Myers, "but I know the name of a doctor in France who can do it."
Six months later, Abe returns to Doctor
Myers and says, "I’m so glad you gave me the name of doctor Jean-Pierre.
I’ve had it done and I feel terrific. My new name is Sadie and I now function
in every way like a woman, emotionally as well as physically."
"But … Sadie," asks Doctor Myers, "don’t
you have any emotions or desires left over from your previous life as a
man?"
"Well now you ask," replies Sadie, "some
mornings I do have this great urge to lay tefillin."
(#1339) Inevitable changes
Little Sam and Melissa are very good friends.
They attend the same school, are in the same class and every day without
fail follow the same lunch time routine - they sit down together, open
their lunch boxes together and both eat their chicken sandwiches (their
favourite) together.
Five years later, they’re still following
the same routine. But then one day, as Sam is eating his chicken sandwich,
he’s shocked to see that Melissa is eating a smoked salmon sandwich. "Missy,"
says Sam, looking upset, "you’re not eating a chicken sandwich. I thought
you said you would only ever eat chicken."
"I still love chicken, Sam," replies Melissa,
"but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" asks Sam.
Melissa points to her lap and replies,"
Because I’m starting to grow feathers down here."
"I don’t believe it," says Sam, "show
me."
"OK," says Melissa and she lifts up her
skirt and lowers her panties.
Sam looks very closely and after a few
seconds says, "I see them too, Missy, I think you’re right to stop eating
chicken."
Their new lunch time routine continues
for another 6 months, with Sam eating chicken and Melissa eating smoked
salmon. Then one day he brings in a peanut butter sandwich.
"Missy," he says, "I’ve given up chicken.
I’m growing feathers down there too."
"Can I see?" asks Melissa.
"OK," says Sam and he pulls down his trousers
and pants.
"You’ve left it very late, Sam," she says,
"you’ve already started to grow the polkeh (drumstick) and also the matzoh
balls for the chicken soup."
(#1340) The wise rabbi
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Sadie has a problem so goes to see the
very wise Rabbi Levy. She asks him, "Two members of our shul, Bernard Himmelfarb
and Jacob Gold, are both in love with me, Rabbi. Who will be the lucky
one?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Jacob will marry
you, Sadie, but Bernard will be the lucky one."
(#1341) Rachel’s warning e-mail
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
"Please forward this e-mail to
all your women friends.
If a man knocks on your front door and
says he’s conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, don’t.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your boobs.
Rachel
PS I wish I'd received this e-mail
yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap"
(#1342) Escorted off the bus
Leah is 8 months pregnant and gets on
a bus to go to Brent Cross shopping centre. Morris is already on the bus
and watches her sit down opposite him. Leah looks up and notices that Morris
is smiling at her, so she immediately moves to another seat. This time
Morris’s smile turns into a grin and she moves seats again. Morris is now
more amused than ever and after Leah moves for the fourth time, he bursts
out laughing and can’t stop.
So Leah goes over to the driver and complains.
One thing leads to another and soon Morris is escorted off the bus by an
inspector.
As the bus moves off, the inspector asks
Morris, "OK sir, what have you got to say for yourself?"
Morris replies, "Well it was like this.
When the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help notice that she was heavily
pregnant. So when she sat under an ice cream advert that said: -
THE PEACH TWINS ARE COMING
I couldn’t help smiling. Then she moved
and sat under an advert that said: -
MINKY’S EMBROCATION WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING
and I had to grin. Then she moved again
and sat under a deodorant advert that said: -
HARRY’S BIG STICK DID THE TRICK
I could hardly contain myself. But when
she moved for the fourth time and sat under an advert that said: -
GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS
ACCIDENT
I just lost it."
(#1343) The Hebrew Lesson
"Hello Cyril," says Fred, "I hear you
know Hebrew?"
"Yes I do," replies Cyril.
"I was wondering what the Hebrew for ‘he'
is?" says Fred.
"Hu," says Cyril.
"No one in particular," says Fred, "I
just wanted to know what is he?"
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I thought you said he is she?" says Fred.
"Yes, that’s correct," says Cyril.
"What is correct?" says Fred.
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"I have no idea what you said. Who is
she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I don’t want to know who he is, now I
want to know what she is in Hebrew?" says Fred.
"Hee," says Cyril.
"He who?" says Fred.
Yes that’s correct, but Hee is she," says
Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"Why do you keep asking me who is he?"
says Fred.
"I thought you were asking me what he
is in Hebrew?" says Cyril.
"Me?" says Fred.
"That’s Hu," says Cyril.
"Who is me?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he, Mee is who," says Cyril.
"I don't want to know who you are, I want
to know who is he?" says Fred.
"That’s correct," says Cyril.
"But I’ve no idea what I‘m saying," says
Fred.
"But you say it so well," says Cyril.
"Who me?" says Fred.
"Why are you asking me who he is?" says
Cyril.
"No, I’m asking you what is he?" says
Fred.
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I’m very lost. Me is who? Who is he?
He is she?" says Fred.
"Very good, you said that very well,"
says Cyril.
"What did I say?" says Fred.
"Mee is who, Hu is he and Hee is she,"
says Cyril.
"Well if you must know, you’re crazy.
I don't know who he is and if
she is a he, I’m sure I don't want to
know her," says Fred.
(#1344) Dying wishes
Hette is dying and her rabbi comes to
visit her. "Do you have any last wishes, Hetty?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Yes rabbi," whispers Hetty, "I know you
won’t like hearing me say this, but I want to be cremated."
"You know that is forbidden to us," says
Rabbi Gold, "but because it’s one of your final wishes – then OK. Is there
anything else?"
"Yes," whispers Hetty, "I want my ashes
spread over the John Lewis department store in Brent Cross."
"Why on earth would you want to do that?"
asks Rabbi Gold.
"Because that way," replies Hetty, "my
two daughters will find it easy to visit me each week."
(#1345) The after-life
Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever
dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their
fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Moshe dies and
true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you
hear me?"
"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back,
just as we agreed."
"So what's it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, it’s like this," replies
Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then
off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon.
After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late.
It likes this every day."
"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really
must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I'm
a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."
(#1346) Jewish haikus
After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias:
Did you wipe your feet?
Her lips near my ear, bubbeh whispers the
name of her friend's disease.
Looking for pink buds to prune, the old mohel
wanders among his flowers.
Scrabble discord: Someone has placed ‘putzhead’
on a triple word score.
Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs
softly. But her son is forty.
Tea ceremony: fragrant steam perfumes the
air. Try the cheese Danish.
Lacking fins or tail, the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty.
My nature journal: Today I saw some trees
and birds. I should know the names?
Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture
at my dinner table.
The same kimono the top geishas are wearing,
got it at John Lewis.
The sparrow brings too many worms for her
young. "Force yourself," she chirps.
Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract
bridge, followed by a nap.
Umbilical cord: "Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks.
The shivah visit: So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.
Our youngest daughter, our most precious jewel.
Hence the name, Tiffany.
Concert of car horns as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.
Sorry I'm not home to take your call. At the
tone please state your bad news.
Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?
Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot you'll
plotz. Five-day forecast: feh.
Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.
Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl.
Tochis. Oy! To be fluent!
A lovely nose ring -- excuse me while I put
my head in the oven.
Hard to tell under the lights--white Yarmulke
or male-pattern baldness?
(#1347) Course change
Max is a student at Manchester University
and rings his mother. "Hi mum," he says, "I thought you should know that
I’ve just switched courses and I’m now taking Psychology."
"Oy veh," says his mother, "I suppose
you’ll now be analyzing everyone in the family."
"Oh no, mum," he replies, "I don't take
abnormal psychology until next term."
(#1348) New knowledge
Five years old Benny comes home from Hebrew
school one day and says to his parents, "I learned something interesting
at school today."
"That’s nice, Benny," says his father,
"What did you learn today?"
Benny thinks for a moment, then replies,
"Daddy, have all the men in our family had their willies criticised?"
His mother laughs out loud. "Oh Benny,
darling, the word is circumcised, not criticised, but either way the answer
is still ‘YES’."
(#1349) Old cars
One day, little Rachel asks her mother,
"Mummy, what happens to old cars when they stop working?"
"Someone sells them to your father," replies
her mother.
(#1350) Conversation in a restaurant
– part 1
Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the
‘Bubbeh-Myseh’ restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and
chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?"
"Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for
my steak to be rare, and it was well done."
"Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we
always aim to please."
(#1351) Conversation in a restaurant
– part 2
"What would you do if I suddenly died,
Maurice?" says Sadie, "Would you marry again?"
"No, Sadie, definitely not," replies Maurice.
"Why ever not?" says Sadie. "Don't you
like being married?"
"You know I do," replies Maurice.
"Then why do you say you wouldn't get
married again?" asks Sadie.
"OK, Sadie, I was wrong," replies Maurice,
trying to end the conversation, "Yes, I would get married again."
Sadie then puts on a sad look and continues
his ‘interrogation’. "You really would re-marry?"
Maurice doesn’t answer this but just groans
very quietly.
"So would you live with her in … our house?"
asks Sadie.
"Why not?" replies Maurice, beginning
to enjoy himself, "it’s paid for, there’s no outstanding mortgage."
"And would you take my photos out of our
silver frames and replace them with her photos?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, why not," replies Maurice, "that
would seem like the correct thing to do."
"And would you sleep with her in our marital
bed, where we conceived our children?" asks Sadie.
"So where else do you think we would sleep?"
replies Maurice.
"And would she use my golf clubs?" asks
Sadie.
"Oh no," replies Maurice, "she's left-handed."
Silence fills the air, then …"Oh, sh*t,"
says Maurice.
(#1352) Search party
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
60year old Yitzhak and 65year old Hyman
are pushing their shopping trolleys around Waitrose supermarket one day
when they collide. Hyman immediately says, "Sorry. I was looking for my
wife Sadie and I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. I
hope I didn’t hurt you."
"No problem," says Yitzhak, "but what
a coincidence. I'm also looking for my wife. I just can't find my Judith
anywhere and I'm getting a little worried."
"So let’s help each other," suggests Hyman,
"what does your Judith look like?"
Yitzhak replies, "Well, she’s a young
35 year old. She’s got long legs, she’s slim and she has.. how shall I
say this?….prominent breasts. She has blonde hair, green eyes and is wearing
blue shorts. What does your Sadie look like?"
"It doesn't matter," replies Hyman, "let's
just look for your Judith."
(#1353) Lost and found
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Nathan goes to shul (synagogue) one shabbes
and Rabbi Bloom almost faints when he sees him - Nathan has never stepped
foot inside a shul since his barmitzvah. At the end of the Service, Rabbi
Bloom goes over to Nathan and says, "I’m very pleased to see you here today,
what made you come?"
Nathan replies, "I'll be honest with you,
rabbi. I lost my favourite hat about 3 months ago and I really miss it.
A friend of mine told me that Kenneth Gold has a hat just like mine. My
friend also told me that Gold comes to shul every shabbes, always takes
off his hat before Service begins, leaves it in the cloakroom at the back
of the shul and replaces it with his yarmulke. So I was going to leave
after the Torah reading and steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom says, "Well Nathan, I notice
that you didn't steal Gold’s hat after all. Whilst I’m very glad,
please tell me why you changed your mind."
"Well rabbi," replies Nathan, "after I
heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need
to steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, "I suppose
you decided against it after you heard me talking about 'Thou Shalt Not
Steal'?"
"Not exactly, rabbi," replies Nathan.
"After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered
where I left my hat."
(#1354) Thanks for nothing
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decide to
go out for breakfast. The waitress at ‘The Walnut Tree’ tells them that
the special that morning is two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns
and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," says Sadie, "but I
don't want any eggs."
"OK," says the waitress, but I will then
have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asks Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense."
"Because you will then in effect be ordering
a la carte," the waitress replies.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not
taking the eggs?" Sadie asks.
"Yes," replies the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replies.
At the end of the meal, Sadie takes the
two eggs home.
Comments
(#1355) How to get a man
Ruth is Naomi’s only child. Unfortunately
Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 - she
doesn’t even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and
sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides
to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
"Darling," she says, "I’m your mother
and I love you, so please don’t get angry with me when you hear what I
have to say. I’m getting worried about you because you won’t find
a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking
sad and watching TV. Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is
to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times."
"Oh mum," says Ruth, embarrassed, "I just
couldn’t do that."
"But you could, darling," says Naomi.
"You don’t give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send
their details about themselves. And we won’t tell a soul we’re doing it,
not even your dad."
After ten further minutes of serious discussion,
Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the
paper
CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH,
SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING
TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.
WRITE TO BOX 13
Then the waiting starts. One week later, a
reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, "Mum,
I’ve got a reply."
Ruth opens the letter, starts to read
then suddenly gasps and bursts out crying.
"What’s the matter, darling?" asks Naomi.
"It’s from dad," replies Ruth.
(#1356) You’re a …Jewish boy?
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes
him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "I’d like
you to meet Peter. We’re in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter
wasn’t Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and
I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that
we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please don’t take it personally
- it’s what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter.
"Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so I’ve told her
I’m willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us
your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies,
"Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets
circumcised (ouch), joins Moshe’s synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends
shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he
returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has
fallen out of love with him. She doesn’t now want to marry him. Peter is
devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert
and become a real Jew – and I have. I’ve been circumcised, I’ve regularly
attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know
all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes. I’m
a mensh, but Naomi doesn’t want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish
boys," replies Moshe.
(#1357) The alternative solution
Sharon is very despondent about her aging
looks and makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. After he examines
her, he recommends she undergo a full face lift.
"Doctor," she says, "what will the operation
to give me a full face lift cost?"
"For you," says the doctor, I would estimate
£25,000."
"Oy veh, that’s far too much, doctor,"
she says. "Isn’t there something less expensive?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "you could
try wearing a veil."
(#1358) Moshe’s 3 inventions
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks
he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas,
he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the
receptionist greets him, "Good morning Mr. Levy. I see you’re booked to
meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions.
Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to
ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?"
"Yes, it’s fine, thank you," replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions
such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to
ask, "And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?"
"I’ve invented a folding bottle," replies
Moshe, proudly.
"And do you have a name for it?" she asks.
"Yes, I call it a FOTTLE," replies Moshe.
"And what’s your second invention?" she
asks, smiling ever so slightly.
"I’ve invented a folding carton," replies
Moshe.
"And what do you call that?" she asks.
"I call it a FARTON," replies Moshe.
At that, she can’t help laughing as she
says, "If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products.
And the name of your carton is a bit rude too."
Moshe is not prepared to take any further
ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesn’t even tell her
about his third invention, his folding bucket.
(#1359) The car sale
Rivkah drives a big Lexus to her local
Lexus dealer and tells him she wants to sell it. "How much do you want
for it?" he asks her.
"I’ll be happy to accept £100,"
she replies.
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he
would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least £40,000. "I’m
not sure I want to take it," he says to Rivkah.
"Don’t get worried," says Rivkah, "let
me explain. There’s nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you
sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and he
was having an affair with his shiksa secretary. I’ve just attended the
reading of his Will and in it he says his secretary should have the proceeds
from selling his car. So here I am."
(#1360) Dangerous liaison
87 years old Nathan is sitting at the
bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Fay. ‘What a
beauty,’ he says to himself. Then he can’t believe his luck when she walks
over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of
them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and
passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Fay notices that Nathan is very
quiet and still. She then realises that her new husband has died just as
he reached his climax.
At Nathan’s funeral, one of Fay’s friends
comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Fay. Whatever
happened?"
"Nothing much," Fay replies, "he came
and he went."
(#1361) Satisfaction guaranteed
One day, sixty year old twins Joshua and
Shlomo are having a chat about their sex lives. Joshua says, "I must be
honest with you Shlomo, I just can’t seem to satisfy mine Esther these
days. I try hard, but I don’t succeed."
"I don’t have that problem, Joshua," says
Shlomo. "Every night, just before mine Sadie and I get into bed, I get
totally undressed in front of her and say, ‘Well, take a look. Are you
satisfied?’ Sadie just shrugs and replies, ‘yes’. And that’s
it."
(#1362) What money can’t buy
During their business lives, Joel, Mordechai
and Emanuel did so well that they became millionaires. Now, in retirement,
they meet up in one of the most expensive hotels in the world, the ‘Mazuma
Mit Mazel’ Hotel, no less. During their conversation, it soon becomes clear
that they all have problems with deteriorating body parts.
"It’s unfair," says Joel. "Now that I
have money and I’m a widower, I could go with any of the beautiful women
who come here looking for a husband. But because of my poor eyesight, I’m
unable to see who’s beautiful and who’s not."
"I know what you mean," says Mordechai.
"Now that I have money, I could order anything from the 7 star Michelin
restaurant here – lobster, caviar, even the most expensive champagne they
sell, Krug's ‘Clos du Mesnil’, but my doctor tells me that I must stick
to things such as sardines, water biscuits, spinach and milk. With me it’s
my bad stomach."
"I too have a problem," says Emanuel.
"Take last night, for example. I’m in bed and feeling frisky so I ask mine
Sarah to roll over onto her back. But she says to me, ‘Oh no, not again,
you can’t be serious - we just made love for the third time only 10 minutes
ago. So you see, guys, with me it’s my memory."
(#1363) Leadership
Abe is sunbathing in his back garden in
Golders Green one Sunday afternoon when a small spaceship appears out of
nowhere and lands near him. A strange looking spaceman gets out, walks
over to Abe and says, "Take me to your leader."
"I can’t," replies Abe, "mine Hetty is
in Bournemouth with the grandchildren."
(#1364) Knowledge is a dangerous thing
Peter is a street trader who has set up
his pitch right outside the Golders Green synagogue. One day Jed, a friend
of Peter and also a trader, happens to walk past the synagogue and sees
Peter. "Hey Peter, I hear you’re doing very well here. What’s your secret
then?"
"It’s easy," replies Peter, "when one
of my clients comes out of the synagogue, I always say something like,
‘good shabbes Mr Levy, how was the kiddush?’ or ‘good yontif Mr Cohen,
how was the service today?’"
"But how do you remember all these words?"
asks Jed.
"It’s easy," says Peter, pointing to his
head, "I keep them right up here in my toches."
(#1365) Lunch appointment
70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and
sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. "Where am I?" he says.
"You’re in the Middlesex hospital, Mr
Green," she replies. "You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and you’ve been
unconscious ever since you were brought in. But don’t worry about
anything – you’re in a great hospital and we’ve got the best doctor looking
after you."
"4 days, eh?" says Sidney, "it’s no wonder
I’m so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard
and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side."
"I’m sorry, your doctor has instructed
me not to feed you with any solids," says the nurse. "You’re being fed
rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, you’ll
find it is stuck up your back passage."
"Well then," says Sidney, "If this really
is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more
tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor
to join me for lunch."
(#1366) Someone, somewhere said these
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't
even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're
in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just
standing up fast.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK,
they know me here.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?
I love being married. It's great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore,
I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for
the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why is it that most nudists are people you
don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
(#1367) The skier (based on a story reported
in a New Orleans paper)
Judith got back from a holiday skiing
trip with this story: -
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no
feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. But I was in distress and
told my husband Phil that I was in dire need of a rest room. He told me
not to worry because he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers. But he was wrong,
of course, and my pain did not go away.
Those in the know understand that a temperature
of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, I was weighing
my options when Phil at last picked up on the intensity of my pain and
suggested that since I was wearing an all-white ski outfit, I should go
off into the woods. He assured me that the white would provide more than
adequate camouflage and no-one would notice. So I headed for the trees,
began lowering my ski pants and proceeded to ‘do my thing’.
If you've ever stopped on the side of
a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis
so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! I had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during the most embarrassing moments.
Suddenly, I started skiing backwards, out-of-control, racing through the
trees (somehow missing all of them) and onto another slope. My toches and
the reverse side were still bare, my pants were down around my knees and
I was picking up speed. I continued skiing backwards, totally out-of-control,
no doubt creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. I skied back under
the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon, breaking my arm and
leaving me unable to pull up my ski pants. After 10 minutes of intense
embarrassment, Phil arrived and put an end to my nudie show. He then summoned
the ski patrol who transported me to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with
an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to mine. "So, how did you
break your leg?" I asked, making small talk.
"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,"
he replied. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe
my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down
the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over
to get a better look and fell out of the lift. So, how'd you
break your arm?"
(#1368) What an angel
Sadie has been married for five years
and is pleased when her husband Issy starts to call her ‘an angel’.
She likes compliments as much as the next woman, but after it goes on for
a few weeks, Sadie asks Issy, "Why do you call me an angel, dear?"
"Because," replies Issy, "you’re always
up in the air, you’re continually harping on about something and you never
have a thing to wear."
(#1369) Kind wishes
Henry says to Alan, "You should live,
please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."
"Thank you Henry," says Alan, "but why
the 3 months?"
"Because," replies Henry, "I wouldn’t
want you to die suddenly."
(#1370) Wrong one
Kitty and Anna, two elderly ladies, are
having a bite to eat in Brent Cross shopping centre one day when Anna notices
something odd and takes a long hard look at Kitty’s right ear. "Kitty,"
she says, "do you know that you've got a suppository sticking out of your
right ear?"
"You say I have a suppository in my ear?"
replies Kitty, "so let me see already."
Kitty pulls it out, stares at it for a
while, then says, "Anna, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where my hearing aid is."
(#1371) A question of noodles
Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me,
Monty, you’re a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do
we call noodles ‘noodles’?"
"Well," says Monty, "it’s simple, really.
They’re soft like noodles, aren’t they? They’re also long like noodles,
aren’t they? And they certainly taste like noodles, don’t they? So why
shouldn’t we call them noodles?"
(#1372) Why I love children
Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato
ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the
bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it's the rabbi," shouts Faye.
But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
(#1373) Do you want the good news
or bad news?
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s
50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day,
whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm
develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over
the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they
can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore
and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan
gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -
FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when
our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at
the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her
up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large
pearl which I have had valued at £30,000. Please advise.
Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax
back to the captain: -
FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the
trap.
(#1374) The best friends
Charlotte and Linda have been friends
for over 50 years and in this time, they have shared all kinds of activities
and visited many parts of the world together. Now, in the latter part of
their lives, their activities are limited to meeting twice a week to play
cards. Today was one of those card days.
Whilst Charlotte is dealing out the cards,
Linda looks at Charlotte and says, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've
been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I’ve
tried for five minutes but I just can't remember it. Please, please tell
me your name."
Charlotte stares at Linda for some time
before replying, "How soon do you need to know?"
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set
Comments
(#1375) The visitor
One evening, Rabbi Levy is visited by
a stranger. "Yes," says the rabbi, "can I help you?"
"Life is very hard for some," says the
man. "I thought you should know about the problems facing one of your congregation."
"So tell me already," says the rabbi.
"Well," says the man, "your Mrs Goldman
owes a moneylender over £1,000 and she hasn’t got the money to pay
him back. She’s being thrown out her house this week, she’s too ill to
work and she can’t feed her children."
"It’s a terrible life, indeed," says Rabbi
Levy. "Thank you for letting me know. I’ll raise some money from the synagogue
straight away – I’ll even donate £100 of my own money. But
tell me, my friend, are you a relative of Mrs Goldman?"
"Don’t be silly, rabbi," says the man,
"I’m the moneylender."
(#1376) Bedtime games
Benjy and Hannah are in bed watching,
‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ when Benjy turns to Hannah and says, "Do
you want to have sex?"
"No," she answers.
"Is that your final answer?" asks Benjy.
"Yes," replies Hannah.
"Then I'd like to phone a friend," says
Benjy.
(#1377) A question of flight
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: If they flew over the bay, they'd be
"bagels"
(#1378) A good sex life
Sadie and Becky are having coffee one
morning whilst discussing life in general. "So how long have you and Harold
been married, Becky?" asks Sadie.
"Next week, please God, it will be twenty-five
years," replies Becky.
"That’s a long time, Becky," says Sadie.
"How’s your sex life been all this time?"
"It’s been OK," replies Becky, "especially
the S&M."
"You’re really into S&M?" asks Sadie
with surprise.
"Oh yes," replies Becky, "Harold and I
have been into S&M for some time now – he snores and I masturbate."
(#1379) The operation results
Immediately following his expensive private
operation, Victor awakes and sees his surgeon standing near his bed. He
says to the surgeon, "Well, how did it go then?"
"Victor," replies the surgeon, "I have
some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that we were
able to save your testicles."
"Good," says Victor, "and what’s the bad
news?"
"They’re under your pillow in a plastic
bag," replies the surgeon.
(#1380) Identity problems
"Hello, have I dialled the right number
for Benjy?"
"Ahah, mit whom you vish to talk?"
"Benjamin. Is Benjamin Levy at home?"
"Vat! At dis time of the day? Mr Levy
is voiking."
"Well OK. Is his daughter Ruth at home
then?"
"Ruth is mit boyfriend."
"OK. OK. How about his son Simon? Can
I speak to him? Is he at home?"
"Simon? In de hospitel is Simon. He is
gute docketor."
"It seems that no one is in. Am I talking
to Mrs Levy?"
"Mrs Levy, she shoppink in de supermakkit."
"Well, who am I talking to, then?"
"Dis is Mildred, de au pair."
(#1381) Long lasting medicine
Sadie is 80 years old and is under the
care of Doctor Myers. One day, she phones Doctor Myers and says, "Is it
true, doctor, the medicine you’ve just prescribed for me must be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Sadie, I'm afraid it is," replies
Doctor Myers.
Sadie thought for a while then continued,
"Well then, doctor, I’m wondering just how serious is my condition."
"Why do you ask?" says Doctor Myers.
Sadie replies, "Because on the prescription
it says, ‘NO REPEAT PRESCRIPTIONS’."
(#1382) The exact present
Sam was out shopping in Brent Cross shopping
centre when he meets his friend Abe outside the jewellers. Sam notices
that Abe has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.
"So what have you just purchased Abe?"
Sam asks.
"Well, now that you’ve asked," replies
Abe, "it’s my Rifka's birthday tomorrow and when I asked her this morning
what she wanted for her birthday she said, ‘Oh, I don't know, dear, just
give me something with a lot of diamonds in it.'"
"So what did you get her?" Sam asks.
Abe replies, smiling, "I bought her a
pack of cards."
(#1383) Its curtains for you
Becky walks into John Lewis department
store's haberdashery department and says to the sales girl, "I'd like a
pink curtain for my computer screen, please."
The sales girl is surprised by this request
and replies, "But madam, computers don't have curtains."
"Becky says, "Maybe most, but mine’s got
Windows!"
(#1384) Groan!
[My thanks to Izzy C for
the following]
Motze is a well respected 70-year-old
Israeli tour guide who still works every day. He does most of his business
with American tourists who have travelled with him before. They all seem
to love him because if you ask any of them, they would reply, ‘Motze's
tour ya sure oughta see.’
(#1385) New drugs being developed for
men
In light of the success of Viagra, chemists
are developing a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance
of men in today's society. Here are a few of them: -
DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug was given to
100 men before they went on a car trip. It caused 72 of them to stop and
ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of just
2 men.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental drug
were far more likely than normal to finish a household repair job before
starting on the next.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 out
of 100 middle-aged men given this drug noticed that their wives had a new
hairstyle. The drug is now being tested to see if its effects extend to
noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - After taking this drug for only
two days, married men reported an urge to buy their wives expensive jewellery
and gifts.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug has the effect
of making men want to turn off SKY Sport and actually converse with other
family members.
FLATULAGRA - This complex drug makes it more
pleasant to take long car trips with certain men.
FLYAGRA - This drug is showing great promise
in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial,
this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the
personal affairs of other people. Note: An accidental overdose turned three
test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA - This drug, which causes men to be
more truthful when being asked about their affairs, will be available in
Regular, Grand Jury and Politician strength versions.
(#1386) Five pieces of advice for women
1. It’s important that a
man helps you around the house and has a job
2. It’s important that a man makes
you laugh
3. It’s important to find a man
you can count on and who doesn't lie to you
4. It’s important that a man loves
you and spoils you
5. It’s important that these four
men don't know each other
(#1387) Bible story
Rebecca is reading a Bible story to her
young daughter Emma. "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and
flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar
of salt."
Emma asks, "What happened to the flea,
mummy?"
(#1388) Mr Grumpy
Moshe and Sadie, both in their seventies,
are driving to Birchington-on-sea when they decide to stop at a nice country
pub for a bite to eat. After finishing their meal, they get back into their
car and continue on their journey. But 15 minutes after leaving, Sadie
suddenly says, "Moshe, you’ve got to turn around and go back to the pub.
I’ve left my glasses on the table there."
"I don’t believe it," Moshe shouts angrily
at her, "you silly moo, you’ll forget your head one day."
Moshe turns the car around and starts
driving back to the pub. All the way there, he’s grumpy and makes many
snide comments like, "Your memory is getting really bad," and "Because
of you, we won’t now be able to get to Birchington in time to see the sunset."
Even though the more he rebukes Sadie, the more agitated he becomes, he
doesn’t let up for the entire 15 minute drive back to the pub.
To Sadie’s relief, they finally arrive
back at the pub. As she gets out of the car and hurries inside to retrieve
her glasses, Moshe yells to her, "And while you're in there, Sadie, you
might as well get my hat. I left it in the cloakroom."
(#1389) Riddle
Q: Why would the average Jewish woman
rather be pretty than smart?
A: Because the average Jewish man can
see better than he can think.
(#1390) The sales pitch
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Emanuel was looking for a new job that
would best make use of his skills. So one day he tries his hand selling
second-hand cars at YINGATSH MOTORS. Although he has no experience
in this field, he is confident that he can succeed. On his first day, he
tries to sell cars using the traditional approach by using phrases such
as, "This car has only been driven by little old Kitty Cohen to go to Brent
Cross shopping centre once a week," and "This car is almost brand new,
just like my mum’s Rosh Hashanah hat."
Emanuel uses this approach on every perspective
buyer but none believes him and he doesn’t sell a car all day. So next
day he changes his sales pitch and sells three cars.
The manager of YINGATSH is so pleased
with Emanuel that he calls him into his office and says, "Well done Manny,
what did you do to make these sales?"
"Well," replies Emanuel, smiling, "the
customers didn't believe my little old lady story so I told them the car
was previously owned by Rebecca Love-Gold, a nymphomaniac who only used
the back seat."
(#1391) Religious Quickies
A good sermon should have a good beginning
and a good ending - and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know
they were Catholic.
I'm convinced that God put me here to accomplish
a certain number of things. Right now, I'm so far behind, I don’t think
I'll ever die.
Adam said to Eve, "I'll wear the plants in
this family."
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks
ever think about?
On the sixth day, God created the platypus.
And God said, "Let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out."
And on the seventh day, God said, "Let there
be Danish."
(#1392) Change of address
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
It’s Christmas 2004 and as Santa Claus
is unloading a very heavy bag of gifts he suddenly mutters, "Oy Oy Oy!"
instead of his usual "Ho Ho Ho!" He is shocked by this uncharacteristic
uttering and takes it as divine inspiration. Soon after Christmas is over,
he does some serious thinking on the matter. "Maybe Judaism is my new path?
What would it actually mean if I converted to Judaism?"
"Well, firstly," he says to himself, "as
there are only 3 million Jewish children to visit instead of 500 million
Christian children, it would lessen my workload and decrease my stress.
I was totally overworked and exhausted after this last Christmas."
"And that’s not all," Santa says to himself,
"I would have eight days of Chanukah to deliver my gifts, instead of completing
the entire lot in one night,"
He continues, "And most importantly, Jewish
homes have delicious food to offer, such as gefilte fish, chicken soup,
blintzes, knishes and the like. Gosh, my mouth is watering just thinking
of them. I’ve been so bored with the traditional milk and cookies which
always await me."
In the end, it’s an easy decision for
Santa to make. Even circumcision isn’t necessary because that was taken
care of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in
a tight chimney many years ago. So Santa shouts aloud, "So let’s convert,
already."
He leaves his North Pole home and opens
up a new place of work in Golders Green. He fires all of those annoying
elves and replaces them with nice Jewish retirees from Hendon, Finchley
and Ilford. Then finally, he decides to legally change his name to something
more in line with his new ethnic surroundings. So beginning Chanukah 2005,
Santa Claus is to be known as The Clausenburger Rebbe.
(#1393) POEM: The night before Chanukah
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
'Twas the night before Chanukah
and all over the place
There was noise, there was kvetching
Soch ah disgrace!
The kinderlach, sleeping,
uneasily felt
The chocolate rush
from the Chanukah gelt.
And me in the easyboy,
so stuffed with latkes,
I stretched the elastic
which held up my gatkes.
When up on the roof
(and it has a steep pitch)
A fat alter kocker
was making a kvitch.
I jumped up real quick
and I ran to the door,
Was it a bandeet,
or only a shnorrer?
He wasn't alone;
he had eight ferdelach,
And called them by name
as he gave a gebrach:
"On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam,
On Mendel, on Shmendrick, on Feivush,
on Ham,
My kidneys are kvelling,
do you give a damn?"
He had a white beard
and payess to boot,
And to keep out the cold,
he had such a nice suit!
A second from Peerless,
I could tell at a glance,
But the cut was okay,
and so were the pants.
He was triple XL,
a real groisser goof,
So I yelled out,
"Meshuggeneh! Get off from mein roof!"
He jumped down and said
as he shook hands with me,
"Max Klaus is the name.
You have maybe some tea?"
So I gave him a gleisel,
while he shook his white mop,
Mutt'ring, "Always the same thing,
They're dreying my kop!"
From Vancouver to Glacer Bay,
Outremont to Reginek,
Every shmo in the world
hakks meir a cheinik!
They're screaming for presents,
and challah with shmaltz,
And from Brooklyn alone,
the back pain, gevaltz!"
So we sat and yenta’d,
and we spun the old dreydels,
(He took all of my money,
and one of my kanidels)
He said, "Business is not bad,
a living I make,
But I'm getting too old
for this Chanukah fake;
And the cell phones, you see
how my pacemaker dings?
For two cents I'd quit,
and move to Palm Springs?"
And he gave a geshrei
as he fled mit a lacht,
"Gut Yontif to all,
Veh is Mir, such a nacht!"
(#1394) Last rites
[My thanks to Catherine
DD for the following]
Sean, a Catholic, is struck by a bus on
a busy street in Hendon. He’s lying near death on the pavement and a crowd
begins to gather. Suddenly, in a painful voice, Sean shouts, "A priest.
Please somebody, get me a priest!"
Minutes drag by but no priest appears.
Then a policeman yells out, "A Priest! Please! Isn't there a priest
here to give this man his last rites?"
Finally, out of the crowd steps 80 year
old Abe. "Mr. policeman," says Abe, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian.
But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Hendon Avenue
and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it
and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."
The policeman agrees and clears the crowd
so Abe can get through to where Sean lay. Abe kneels down, leans over the
prostrate Sean and says in a solemn voice, "B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72
…"
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Comments
(XXX#1) The trip to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice
to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup,
the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering
from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with
a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant
at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his
favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each.
Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises
you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try
to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty
of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he
can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most
importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after
dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to
him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day,
for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie:
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
(XXX#2) The suitcases.
A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly
Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his
two suitcases.
In the first suitcase, the agent found
over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam,
"where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love
Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off
at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York,
I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As
soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing
and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles
vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent
said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his
head, "not everyone likes to give..."
(XXX#3) Seder Charity.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat
outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came
and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, Moishe passed a sheet of
matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes,
looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
(XXX#4) Sabbath sex.
Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath
is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic
priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the
Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive
that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married
man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives
the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then
seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition
and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi,
how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were
work, my wife would have the maid do it.
(XXX#5) The flasher-1
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving
the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards
her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and
flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look
and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
(XXX#6) The brothel visit-1
The madam of a brothel answered the ring
of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold,
an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently
in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said,
"But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--"
"I know what you do here," interrupted
the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring
on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her
professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the
rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie,
a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation
and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary money
and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it
up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the
rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the
rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In
fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards,
relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has
been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing.
Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should
feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige
you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should
be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe
me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed
position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait
one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles
with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving
them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did
as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five
minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready."
And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time
than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was
wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary
to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very
much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in
my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."
(XXX#7) Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next
door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen
and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and
we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each
went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very
lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to
visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with
open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful
food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And
that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell
me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up
to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top
and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you,
Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful
at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So
what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch
and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him
touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you
do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."
(XXX#8) The advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced
6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so
Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man
who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good
in bed.
Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading
a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is
a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your
advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?”
Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have
no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?”
she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang
the doorbell?
(XXX#9) The Chanukah party
Rachel and Moshe Cohen were invited to
a posh masked, fancy dress Chanukah party.
Unfortunately, Rachel got a terrible headache
and told Moshe to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Moshe
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and
go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So Moshe put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.
After sleeping soundly for an hour or
so, Rachel awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go
to the party. She knew that Moshe didn’t know what costume she was going
to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun
by watching him to see how he acts when she was not with him. So Rachel
put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party.
Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling
around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a
little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner
and devoted all his time to her - to the new beauty that had just arrived.
Rachel let him go as far as he wished;
naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition
in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made
mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party
had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume
away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make
for his behaviour.
Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe
came in and she asked what kind of time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I
never even danced one dance. When I got t the party, I bumped into Yossi,
Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played
cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a real good time!”
(XXX#10) The sinner
Rabbi Goldberg stood before the Recording
Angel, who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Rabbi
Goldberg, can it be? Your record shows nothing but mitzvahs! Tell me, in
your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?”
“Mr Angel,” replied the Rabbi, “I tried
to live like a G-d fearing Jew.”
“But in a whole lifetime, not one - single
- sin?”
“No, I’m s-sorry.”
“Well I can’t let you into heaven, Rabbi
Goldberg! You already are an angel. I am going to have to send you back
to earth for 24 hours and if you want to get into heaven, you’ll appear
back here with at least one sin on your record. Goodbye.”
Poor Rabbi Goldberg was scooped back to
earth. He wandered about, desolate, seeking to stray from virtue, not knowing
how. The hours passed and the Rabbi grew uneasy.
Only 12 hours now remained. “Oh, G-d,
blessed be your name, help me. Help me to sin. Just once!”
And then a woman signalled to him from
a doorway. His prayers had been answered. How swiftly Rabbi Goldberg responded.
The voluptuous woman led him to her room …. and to her bed.
Hours later, the Rabbi awoke. “What time
is it?”
“Half past six.”
The Rabbi smiled. “At seven o’clock, someone
is picking me up.”
He started to dress, chuckling.
But the chuckles froze when, from her
bed, he heard the woman sigh, “I’m over 40 year’s old and I was a virgin
- Oh, mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night!”
(XXX#11) A pointed story
Nathan, an elderly Jewish man, was out
shopping in Brent Cross and came upon a pair of crocodile shoes.
He took a fancy to them so much that he
buys them and even decides to wear them to go home in. He walks in the
front door and says “Sylvia. Do you see anything different?”
She replies “No, Nathan”
Nathan says, “Take another look honey.
Don't you see?”
“No”, she says.
So Nathan tells her to wait there. He
then goes into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except the shoes.
He comes back downstairs and says “Now do you see anything different?”
She looks closely and says, “No, it’s
drooping now, it was drooping yesterday, and it will be drooping tomorrow.”
“But honey, it’s looking right at my new
shoes. Don’t you see?”
She says, “I think you should have bought
a new hat instead.”
(XXX#12) Riddle
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms
and fake jewellery.
(XXX#13) The visit to the chemist
Abe walks into a chemist and asks for
some condoms.
“Yes sir, do you want the Catholic pack,
the Protestant pack or the Jewish pack?”
Abe asks, “What’s the difference?”
The chemist replies, “The Catholic pack
has six, one for each day of the week but never on Sunday. The Protestant
pack has eight, one for each day of the week and twice on Sunday. And of
course the Jewish pack has 12”
“Why twelve?” asks Abe.
(The chemist sighs and counts on fingers)
“January, February, March....”
(XXX#14) His 80th Birthday present
Moshe Levy was soon to be 80 years old
and his friends didn’t know what to buy him. His wife had died some years
ago and he did not go out very often, at least, not with the opposite sex.
In the end, they came to the conclusion
that Moshe needed a Hooker, so they hired one.
She knocked on his door. When Moshe answered
she said to him, “Happy birthday to you Mr Levy. I’ve come to offer you
super sex.”
He replied “If it’s all right with you,
I’ll have the soup!”
(XXX#15) Dancing not allowed
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet
with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they
have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women
don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons,
men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what
about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a
mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the
man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That
could lead to dancing!"
(XXX#16) The date
Two elderly Jewish ladies are having a
discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much. I’m just going out
with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg who lives in
Finchley?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose: Oh Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg
only last week. You wouldn't believe what happened! He took me out
to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. As soon as we were in my
living room, he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there and
then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear
a shmatah.
(XXX#17) A medical problem
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's
office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time,
Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact,
since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I
do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg.
Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week’s time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg
marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those
pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're
still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the
doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your
hearing."
(XXX#18) The broken watch
David’s watch was not working. He remembered
passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took
the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind
the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked
David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much
for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
David was getting exasperated. "You don't
sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks
and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would
you put in your window?"
(XXX#19) The honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon
in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there
was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment?
Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old
man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set
up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis
and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into
cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging
his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple
went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender
was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about
how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender
said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old
man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded
to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis
and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into
cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly
dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband
said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but
then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied,
"Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is
20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't
so good now!"
(XXX#20) The mohel
A mohel had been busy all his life collecting
all the little snippets he cut off at each Brit Hamilah.
By the time he retired, he had a huge
plastic bag full of these cut-offs. What to do with them? Someone referred
him to a tradesman down the street and he took his huge bag there, asking
if this could be turned into something. "Sure," said the tradesman, "just
leave it here and come back in four weeks' time."
When the mohel came back, the tradesman
presented him with a tiny little wallet. The mohel could hardly hide his
disappointment and said, "I brought you such an enormous bag full of snippets,
and you make but the tiniest of wallets out of it?" Replies the tradesman:
"Just wait till you stroke it a bit, and it turns into a huge suitcase!"
(XXX#21) The brothel visit-2
The madam opened the brothel door to see
an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive
ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced
to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. The man never blinked
and reached into his pocket and handed her ten £100 notes. The two
went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again at the
door of the brothel, demanding Natalie. Natalie came down and explained
to him that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there
were no discounts...it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out
the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive
night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up
to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old
man:
"No one has ever used my services three
nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister
who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She
gave me £3,000 to give to you."
(XXX#22) The conversation
Two gentlemen are using the facilities
at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are
you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how
did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong
to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah,
how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz,
the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how
did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because
he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
(XXX#23) The tailor
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor
for new suits.
"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last
suits you made for us were sort of grey. We want black suits, the darkest
black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering
a roll of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There
ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking
down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively,
one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits.
Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked
off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked
the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked
at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
(XXX#24) For the girls
20 reasons why chocolate is better then
Jewish sex
1.You can always get chocolate.
2.With chocolate, size doesn’t matter;
it’s always good.
3.Chocolate satisfies, even when it has
gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while
you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long
as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate even in front
of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate
won’t mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have
chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word “commitment” doesn’t scare
off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your
desk without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate
without fear of getting into trouble.
12.You don’t get hairs in your mouth with
chocolate.
13.With chocolate, there’s no need to
fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time
of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate
as you can handle.
18.You are never to young or too old for
chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate, it does not
keep your neighbours awake.
20.“If you love me you’ll swallow that”
has real meaning with chocolate.
(XXX#25) The bachelor boy
Maurice was very distraught at the fact
that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid
he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to seek the medical
expertise of a sex therapist. Maurice’s doctor recommended that he see
a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so Maurice went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr.
Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Maurice did as he was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odder side of room."
Again, Maurice did as he was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery,
reery fass back to me."
So Maurice did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said,
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you no haf sex or dates."
Worried, Maurice asked anxiously, "Oh
my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked Maurice in the eye and
replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your
arse."
(XXX#26) The flasher-2
Did you hear about the Jewish flasher
who was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more
year.
(XXX#27) The headache-1
Moshe was moderately successful in his
career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible
headaches. So he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist
to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Moshe was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. However, he couldn't concentrate long enough
to answer, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, Moshe’s head
was clear for the first time for ages. As he was walking down Golders Green
High Street, he realised that he could make a new beginning and live a
new life. As he walked past a clothes shop, Moshe thought, "That's what
I need - a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see, size 44 long."
Moshe laughed, "That's right, how did
you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.
As Moshe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a new shirt?"
Moshe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe and said, "Let's
see, 34 sleeve and 16½ neck"
Moshe was surprised, "That's right, how
did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shirt. It fitted perfectly.
As Moshe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
new shoes?"
Moshe was on a roll and said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s feet and said,
"Let's see, 9½E fitting."
Moshe was astonished, "That's right, how
did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shoes and they fitted
perfectly. Moshe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Moshe said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s head and said,
"Let's see, 7 5/8."
Moshe was incredulous, "That's right,
how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fitted perfectly. Moshe was feeling
great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Moshe thought for a second and said, "Sure"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Moshe’s
waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Moshe laughed, "No, you're wrong this
time. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't
wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
(XXX#28) Riddle - What does the following
describe?
This useful tool is found in most married
Jewish households. It is commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
Its functioning is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found
hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump
of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use,
it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly,
into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied
by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely
recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated
movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything
has ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax
twice or three times a day, but often much less.
WHAT IS IT? (answer is below... read on!)
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-ANSWER: A Toothbrush (what were you thinking?)
(XXX#29) The devil’s decision
Nicholas and Abe found themselves delivered
together to Hell. One was Christian and the other Jewish.
A little confused at their present situation,
they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door
was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and was covered in
thick black hair. Flies circled her and you could smell her even over the
Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Nicholas,
you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed
with this woman!"
Nicholas groaned as he was whisked through
the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up Abe and so
he jumped when a second door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained
to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Abe jumped up, taking in the
sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying,
"CINDY, you have sinned...."
(XXX#30) Only one wish allowed
Harry Cohen walks into a pub carrying
a small box. He puts the box down on the bar and opens the lid and music
wafts out into the room. The man sitting next to Harry looks into the box
and is amazed to find out that the music is coming from a tiny man playing
a tiny grand piano inside the box. So, he asks Harry about it.
Harry responds, "I found this magic lamp,
read the inscription on it and rubbed it. I've got the lamp right here."
Harry takes the lamp out of his pocket
and reads the inscription aloud "Rub this lamp and it will grant you one
wish."
The other guy asks, "Can I rub the lamp
too?"
Harry shrugs and says, "I must point out
that it doesn’t work as well as it should."
"Never mind." says the other guy, so Harry
hands him the lamp.
After rubbing it for a moment, the bar
starts to fill up with hound dogs. Literally thousands upon thousands of
hound dogs. The 2nd guy looks totally stunned and says to Harry, "I didn't
wish for hounds. I wished for a million pounds."
Harry looks at him and says, "I told you
it didn’t always work. Do you think I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
(XXX#31) DIY
Like most Jewish wives, Rachel could never
get her husband to do anything around the house. Issy would come home from
work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more – and he would
never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated Rachel quite a bit.
One day the toilet overflowed. When Issy
got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is bunged up. Would you
look at it?" Issy snarled, "What do I look like - Mr plumber?" and promptly
sat down on the sofa to watch TV.
The next day, the vacuum cleaner wouldn't
work. When Issy got home, Rachel said, very nicely, "Honey, the vacuum
cleaner won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, Issy growled, "What do I look
like - Mr. Hoover?"
The next day, the washing machine was
on the blink. When Issy got home, Rachel steeled her courage and said,
"Honey, the washing machine isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What
do I look like - Mr Electrolux?"
Finally, Rachel had had enough. The next
morning, she called three repairmen, one to fix the toilet, one, the vacuum
cleaner, and the other the washing machine. When her husband got home,
Rachel said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
Issy frowned, "Well, how much is that
going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay
them by either baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake
them?" he asked.
Rachel smiled. "What do I look like -
Mrs Kipling?"
(XXX#32) The headache-2
Shlomo had been suffering from severe
headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures Shlomo
is referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks Shlomo what his symptoms
are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife
across my scalp and…"
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And
a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear."
"Yes, Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well, I am the world's greatest headache
specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. But I’m
OK now. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.
When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength
around my head and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try
that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and Shlomo is back.
"Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't
had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."
(XXX#33) The return from work
Benny comes home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from his bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife, Sarah,
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart
attack," cries Sarah.
Benny rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Maurice is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes
on!"
Benny slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother Maurice, totally naked, cowering
on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!" says Benny, "Sarah’s having
a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the
kids!"
(XXX#34) The Pope
Jacob was a shy gentleman. One day, he
was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same
flight.
"This is exciting," thought Jacob. "I
know I’m Jewish but I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll
be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat
down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Jacob was too shy to
speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began
a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought Jacob. "I'm
really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me
for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to
Jacob and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring
to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind....a vulgar
one. "My goodness," thought Jacob, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must
be another word."
Jacob thought for a moment, then it hit
him. Turning to the Pope, Jacob said "I think you're looking for the word
'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me,
but do you happen to have an eraser?"
(XXX#35) The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately,
his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the
doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy,
“Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000,
a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for
£30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk
it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room
later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather
have a new kitchen.”
(XXX#36) The Japanese businessmen
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during
their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, “Hirokosan,
I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you.”
His friend can’t believe what he hears
and asks for more information.
“It is as I said, Hirokosan. Your wife
is dishonouring you - she is making love every afternoon with a foreigner
of the Jewish faith.”
Shocked, Hirokosan decides to go home
and confront his wife. He faces her and says, “I am told that you are dishonouring
me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
She replies, “That’s a lie. Where did
you hear such mishegoss?”
Go to 2nd set of 'naughtier' jokes
Comments
(XXX#37) The password
Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant,
was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word
he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told
her to enter "PENIS."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word,
Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained
laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.
(XXX#38) A war story
An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to
unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi. "Rabbi, during
World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy"
and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of
it."
"Self preservation is important and the
fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the
Rabbi.
"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic
and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did and
you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed
her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."
"You were both in great danger and would
have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable
balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your
feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load
off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
(XXX#39) Study
Sonia Levy enrolled in nursing school
and was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was “involuntary
muscles”
The instructor, hoping to perk up the
students a bit, asks Sonia if she knows what her a**hole does when she
has an orgasm.
"Sure!!" Sonia says, "He's at home taking
care of the kids..."
(XXX#40) The six men in a woman's life
who turn her on
The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes
off"
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want
it in the front or the back"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want
it teased or blown"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once
it's in, you'll love it"
The Banker because he says; "If you take it
out too soon, you'll lose interest"
(XXX#41) The old timer
Moishe was getting really quite old and
one of his problems was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. So
one day, he decided to go to an old-timer's dance. He'd been dancing with
all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached
Hette, another grandma, and told her, straight out, "I'm having no luck
finding someone I can sleep with. How about coming back to my place, I'll
give you £100." Hette surprised him saying, "I'm willing, Moishe,
let's go".
They get back to his place and after a
bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. Moishe loves the sex and can't
get over how tight she is for such an old woman. He thinks that she's got
to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, Moishe rolls off of her
and says, "Wow!!! Hette, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have
given you £200".
Surprised, Hette replies, "If I had of
known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken my
pantyhose off!"
(XXX#42) Who is the best?
Moishe is going on holiday to Cyprus.
He arrives at Heathrow, gets into the scheduled Boeing 747 and takes his
seat.
As he looks back down the aisle, he notices
the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane. Moishe is
nervous as he sees her walking down the aisle toward him. But to his delight,
she takes the seat right next to him. He is soon anxious to begin a conversation.
Moishe asks her, "Where are you going?"
She responds, "To the Annual Nymphomaniac
Convention in Cyprus."
Moishe is crazy with excitement. Here
is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and she's going to a meeting of
nymphomaniacs!
"And what will you do at this meeting?"
he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to solve some
of the popular myths about sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" Moishe continues
desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth
is that African men are the most endowed, when in fact, the Native American
man is. Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover,
but actually men of Jewish descent make the best lovers".
"Very interesting..." Moishe responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed
and blushes. "I'm sorry," she says. "I just feel so awkward discussing
this with you when I don't even know you! What is your name?"
Moishe extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.
Tonto Goldstein."
(XXX#43) The Stowaway
Nicola Levy was a depressed young woman.
She was so desperate that one day, she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the River Thames.
When Nicola arrives at the docks, a handsome
young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her when he found out she
was Jewish, He said to her, "Look, I’m Jewish too. You've got a lot to
live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every
day."
Moving closer, he slipped his arm around
her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what
did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought Nicola
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought
her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love
until dawn.
Three weeks later, during a routine ship-wide
search, Nicola was discovered and taken to the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain
asked her.
"I have an arrangement with one of the
sailors," Nicola explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and in return, I’m
making love to him."
"Lady," said the Captain, "You’ve made
a big mistake – this ship never leaves the Thames, this is the Woolwich
Ferry!"
(XXX#44) A cry for help
Barry Joseph telephoned his doctor and
began shouting hysterically down the line. “Help me doctor. What on earth
shall I do? My 5 year old son David has just swallowed a condom.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be right over.”
Just as the doctor was leaving the office,
the phone rang. It was Barry again. He said ”Don’t worry doctor,
I found another one.”
(XXX#45) Professional relationship
Joyce was with her doctor, Dr. Ginsberg.
Suddenly, she asked him “will you kiss
me?”
“Certainly not” Dr. Ginsberg said. “We
must preserve a distance in this sort of relationship.”
“Well,” Joyce said, “will you hold my
hand?”
“Not even that,” Dr. Ginsberg said. “It’s
important that we keep this on a non-emotional basis.”
“Will you tell me that you like me a lot?”
“Try to understand,” Dr. Ginsberg told
Joyce, “I can’t kiss you, I can’t hold your hand, I can’t even tell you
that I like you. Goodness me, we shouldn’t even be in bed together!”
(XXX#46) The retirement present
A mohel retires after 40 years of service
and decides he needs something to remind him of his long career, but what?
It soon becomes clear to him what it must be.
So next day, he goes to a leather factory
and takes with him all the skin he has saved over the 40 years. He says
to the foreman, "I vant you should make me a memento of my years as a mohel."
The foreman assures him that something
can be done and that he should come back next week to pick it up.
When the mohel returns, the foreman presents
him with --- a wallet. The mohel is shocked and incensed. "I vork for 40
years and all you can make for me is a vallet?"
The foreman replies, "But it is a special
kind of wallet. When you rub it, it becomes a suitcase!"
(XXX#47) Sex is good for you
Myron, in his mid 50's, had a relatively
minor heart attack, and while he was in hospital, he complained to his
cardiologist that he thought that his sex life was now once-and-for-all
over and done with. The cardiologist said, "Not true, Myron.
Sex is a wonderful exercise for your heart. After you get home, you
should have sex 3 or 4 times a week. It'll be the best thing you
can do for your recovery."
So after his discharge, Myron tells his
wife what the doctor had said. His wife looked at him and said, "That's
wonderful, Myron! Sign me up for twice."
(XXX#48) Everything is bigger in Texas
Tex Cohen lived in - you guessed it, Texas.
One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his
wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to "a typical Texas baby boy weighing
20 pounds."
Everyone in the pub congratulated him
and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed
in so heavy.
But Tex assured them, "It’s true, it’s
really true."
When Tex came back to the same pub three
weeks later, the barman said to him, "Say, you're the father of the typical
Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how
much does your baby weigh now?"
Tex proudly replied, "Twelve pounds."
The barman could not understand this,
so he asked Tex, "Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at
birth, why has he lost so much weight?"
Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped
his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the barman and proudly
replied, "Had him circumcised."
(XXX#49) Jewish Plumber
A young, religious Jewish couple had only
recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.
Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from
bed, went to the toilet for the morning's relief, and neglected to notice
that the seat was up. She was very skinny, and when she sat down,
she literally fell in! She was just the right size and shape so that she
became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight
up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and
for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they
removed her night gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with
a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed
legs.
Finally, the couple resolved to call a
plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber
arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom,
the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising
and humiliating way.
Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber
and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulka, over his wife's
exposed privates.
The plumber walked into the bathroom,
took one long look, and commented:
"Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy,
but the Rabbi's a goner."
(XXX#50) The healer
Kitty and Harry, a middle aged couple,
are watching TV one evening when an evangelist comes on and promises to
heal the sick. A voice on the TV said, "If you would like to pray
with him, place your right hand in the air and place your left hand on
the afflicted area."
So Harry places his right hand in the
air and his left hand on his crotch.
When she sees Harry do this, Kitty says,
"Gee, honey. He said heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
(XXX#51) The conversation
Two Jewish American princesses were having
lunch. Suzy complained that every time she and her husband Gary had sex,
he hollered and yelled when he climaxed.
Miriam said, "So what's wrong with that?"
Suzy answered, "He wakes me UP!"
(XXX#52) On the beach
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida,
attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading
on the blanket beside hers. "Hello," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned
to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book.
"Yes, I do," he said politely, before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like
pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and
pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As
the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting
position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied,
"How did you know my name was Katz?"
(XXX#53) Mirror, mirror on the wall
Moishe, tired of his wife Hette asking
him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little
to help, as now Hette just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself,
asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, Hette
is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are
too small.
Uncharacteristically, Moishe comes up
with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every
day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a
few seconds."
Willing to try anything, Hette fetches
a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it
between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" Hette asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of
years," Moishe replies.
Hette stops. "Why do you think rubbing
a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts
grow over the years?" she asks.
Moishe shrugs. "It worked for your tush,
didn't it?"
(XXX#54) The decision
A Jewish American Princess's husband was
making love to his wife when suddenly, to his intense surprise, she wiggled
and let out a short cry of delight.
"My God, honey!" he exclaimed. "What happened?"
"It's wonderful," she said.
"I finally decided that those curtains
would look much better in peach."
go to third set
Comments
(XXX#55) Visit to the chemist
Morris goes into his local chemist and
asks the assistant behind the counter, “What’s this Viagra like, then?”
“It’s very good sir,” says the assistant,
“I use it myself.”
“Good,” says Morris. “Can you get it over
the counter?”
To which the assistant answers, “Only
if I take six, sir.”
(XXX#56) The jogger
Morris was out jogging one Sunday afternoon
when he saw a new-looking tennis ball in the road. He stopped to pick it
up and as he had no pockets, he put it down the front of his running shorts.
He then continued with his run.
He soon came up to Sadie, who was also
out jogging. Sadie looked at him and pointed to the bulge in his shorts.
“What’s that?” Sadie asked, smiling.
“Tennis ball,” replied Morris.
“I know how you must feel,” Sadie said,
“I had tennis elbow once and that was bloody painful”
(XXX#57) The request
As his wife was expecting their first
baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the shul committee and asked for a salary increase.
After much consideration, they passed a resolution that when the Rabbi’s
family expanded again, so would his payslip.
6 children later, it began to get expensive
for the shul and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi’s
salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting.
Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so
he got up and said, “Having children is an act of God.”
The chairman replied, “Snow and storms
are also ‘acts of God’, but when we get too much, we wear rubbers.”
(XXX#58) Tit-for-tat
One morning, while she was making their
breakfast, Harold walked up to his wife, Hette, pinched her on the tuchus
and said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of your girdle.”
Although she thought this was a terrible
thing to say, she refrained from responding.
Next morning, Harold woke Hette by squeezing
her breast. He said, “You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your bra.”
Hette thought this was unacceptable and
had to respond this time. So she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.
With a strong grip, she said, “You know, if you firmed this up, we could
get rid of the postman, the gardener and your brother”
(XXX#59) The chicken and the egg
One day, a chicken got to know an egg
in the biblical sense. After they had finished, the chicken was reclining
with a post-coital cigarette in his beak. He rolls over to the egg and
says, “I guess that settles it then”
(XXX#60) The beach surprise
Sadie, a recently widowed lady, was reading
a book whilst sunbathing on the beach in Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed
an elderly gentleman walking past. He placed his blanket on the sand nearby
and began to read a book. Smiling, Sadie attempted to strike up a conversation
with him.
"Hello," she began. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned
back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?"
Sadie asked.
"First time since my wife passed away
last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" Sadie asked.
"Not far," he answered, continuing to
read.
Sadie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw down his book, jumped
onto her blanket, whipped off both their swimsuits and made the most passionate
love to her that she had ever experienced.
As the cloud of sand began to settle,
Sadie gasped and asked the man, "How on earth did you know that I wanted
that to happen?"
The man replied, "How did you know my
name was Katz?"
(XXX#61) The game
Three 4th form schoolboys - an Italian,
a Greek, and Moishe, are in the playground when Paulo suggests that they
play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
Paulo pulls down his zipper and takes
it out.
"That's nothing," says Andreas and takes
his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Not to be outdone, Moishe whips his out.
It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
Paola and Andreas are stunned. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, during dinner, Moishe’s mother
asks him what he did at school that day. "Oh, we worked on a science project,
had a maths test and read out loud from a new book...and during our lunch
hour, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, darling?"
says the mother.
"Well, me, Paulo and Andreas each pulled
out our penises and I had the biggest. They said it must be that big because
I'm Jewish. Is that true, Mum?"
The mother replies: "No, boobalah. It's
because you're twenty-three years old."
(XXX#62) Joining requirements
Three couples, one elderly, one middle-aged
and one newlywed, all wanted to join a synagogue in Hendon. The Rabbi said
to them, "We have special requirements for new members. To be accepted,
you must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples all agreed to the terms and
came back at the end of the two weeks.
The Rabbi turned to the elderly couple
and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all,
Rabbi."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the synagogue!"
said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then asked the middle-aged couple,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
The man replied, "Well, the first week
wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple
of nights; but yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the synagogue!"
said the Rabbi.
The Rabbi then turned to the newlywed
couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Rabbi, we weren't able to go without
sex for the entire two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the Rabbi.
"Well, six days into the two weeks, my
wife was reaching for a book from the top shelf and she dropped it. When
she bent over to pick it up, I was suddenly overcome with lust and I took
advantage of her right there and then."
"You do understand, of course, that this
means you will not be welcome in our synagogue," stated the Rabbi.
"We know that Rabbi," said the young man,
grimly. "We're no longer welcome at the Hendon library either."
(XXX#63) The Rabbi's Wife
A Rabbi dies. After some time has passed,
his congregation decide that his wife Sarah should marry again. Since it
is a small village, the only available candidate is Moishe the butcher.
Although very reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar,
Sarah accepts and they are soon married.
On her first Friday afternoon as a new
wife, just after she had taken a bath, Moishe tells Sarah, "My mother always
said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before
going to the synagogue." They do it.
When they come back from shul, Moishe
tells Sarah, "According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon
as you come back from shul." They do it again.
Later that night, when it was time to
go to sleep, Moishe tells Sarah, "My grandfather told me that one should
always make love late on Shabbos night." So they do. Finally, they go to
sleep.
As soon as they awake the next morning,
Moishe tells Sarah, "My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the
Shabbos day by making love. So lets do it." And once again they do.
Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the
market and meets a friend who asks her, "Nu, Sarah, so how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but Moishe
comes from a wonderful family!"
(XXX#64) The home visit
Frank had just come to terms with his
homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet". His plan was to
tell his mother first. So on his next home visit, he went into the kitchen
where his mother was busying herself stirring her chicken soup. Rather
nervously, Frank explained to her that he had realized he was gay.
Without looking up from her stirring,
his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?"
"Well...yes." he answers.
Still without looking up she asks, "Does
that mean you suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, Frank eventually managed
to stammer an embarrassed affirmative, whereupon his mother turned to him
and brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped,
"Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"
(XXX#65) Sex for sale
Moishe moves into an old age home but
he is just as randy as ever. As he looks over the list of the other people
living in the home, he realises that there are three times as many women
as men. What luck. Moishe decides this is a good time to make some money,
so he posts a sign on his door: "SEX FOR SALE."
On the very first night, someone knocks
on his door. It was Sadie. She says to Moishe, "What does your sign mean?"
"I am selling sex," he replies.
"Well," says Sadie, "How much do you charge?"
Moishe replies, "I haven't thought much
about prices, but I suppose it will be £5 on the floor, £10
on the chair and £20 on the bed."
Sadie reaches into her purse and pulls
out a £20 note.
"Oh, you want it on the bed?"
"No," says Sadie, "Four on the floor please!"
(XXX#66) First date
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Rebecca
loses her husband, Bernie. She soon becomes very depressed and is hardly
ever seen outside her house. A whole year passes.
One day she is out doing her weekly shopping
in Hendon when she meets Moishe in her local delicatessen. Moishe, she
knew, was a recent widower. They get talking and agree to go out for a
meal. Over the weeks that follow, they get on so well with each other that
Moishe suggests a weekend in a five star Brighton hotel.
On their first night in the hotel, Moishe
is lying naked in bed and Rebecca emerges from the bathroom naked except
for a pair of black panties.
"Vos is dus?" asks Moishe. "Vots mit der
underwear?"
Rebecca replies, "You can have mine lips,
mine breasts and mine tummy. But down there, well, I'm still mourning."
The next night the same thing happens.
On the third night, Rebecca comes out
of the bathroom only wearing the pair of black panties. She looks at Moishe
on the bed, sees his erection and black condom and says, "Moishe, I told
you yesterday that down there I'm still in mourning."
"I know," replies Moishe. "I'm planning
to make a Shiva call."
(XXX#67) A quicky
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women won't touch anything
unless it is 20% off.
(XXX#68) Help needed
Issy goes to his doctor to arrange a sperm
count. The doctor gives Issy a small plastic tub and says, "Use this and
bring me a sample tomorrow."
Next day, Issy goes back and gives the
doctor an empty, pristine clean tub.
The doctor asks, "So? Why is it empty?"
Issy explains: "Well, doctor, first I
tried it with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried it with my left
hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife Rifka for help. She tried
it with her right hand, then with her left, but nothing. Rifka even tried
with her mouth - with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, but still
no luck. We then called in our next door neighbour and she tried it with
both hands, and with her mouth too, but with no results, I’m sad to say."
The doctor was shocked. "You mean you
asked your neighbour to try?"
Issy replied, "Yes, doctor, but no matter
what we tried, we just couldn't open the tub"
(XXX#69) The genie
Abe is lost in the desert and is desperately
searching for water. Suddenly, he finds a little brass lamp sticking out
of the sand. As he cleans it with his sleeve, a Genie comes out of the
lamp.
The Genie says, “Thank you Abe for freeing
me from the lamp. I am so grateful that you can make one wish and I’ll
make your dream come true.”
Abe takes a map from his pocket, hands
it to the Genie and says, "This is a map of a little country called Israel.
Only 5 million citizens, surrounded by more than 100 millions Arabs. I
am fed up with all the violence and the wars, and so my wish is for peace
for Israel."
The Genie thought about this for a while
and then said, “It's very complicated. So many people are involved, so
much International influence and serious effects on petrol and water. So
I must ask you to make a different wish.”
“OK,” said Abe, “I have another wish to
ask of you. I have a wife called Yetta. She comes from a Sephardic family
and we have been married now for 10 years. But in all that time, she still
refuses to have oral sex. So please do something for me, Genie, make her
change her mind.”
Again the Genie thinks about Abe’s request
and then says, “Well, could you show me your map again?”
(XXX#70) A visit to grandpa
Reluctantly, the Segal family had to put
their grandfather in a nursing home. As all the Jewish homes were full,
they had to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the home,
they came to visit him.
"How do you like it here, Zeida?" asked
the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful," said Zeida.
"We're so happy for you," said the children
on hearing this. "We were worried that this was the wrong place for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully
they treat the residents here," Zeida said with a big smile.
"There's a musician here - he's 85 years
old. Although he hasn't played the violin in 20 years, everyone still calls
him 'Maestro'."
"And there's a physician here - 90 years
old. Although he hasn't been practising medicine for 25 years, everyone
still calls him 'Doctor'."
"And me, although I haven't had sex for
20 years, they still call me the "F***ing Jew."
(XXX#71) The raffle
There is a raffle at the local Jewish
Community Centre and prizes are being drawn.
"4th prize, which goes to Hymie Himmelfarb,
is a Rolls Royce." Huge applause. Hymie goes up to collect his keys and
shake hands.
"3rd prize, which goes to Frank Myers,
is a Rolls Royce and a cheque for £10,000." Huge applause. Frank
goes up to collect his keys and cheque and shake hands.
"2nd prize, which goes to Abe Epstein,
is a piece of fruit cake!" Ghastly silence. Abe goes up to the stage to
the presenter.
"What do you mean, a piece of fruit cake?
4th prize was a Rolls Royce, 3rd prize was a Rolls Royce plus a cheque
for £10,000, so what the hell do you mean a piece of fruit cake for
the second prize?"
"Ah," says the presenter, "This is special
fruit cake. It's made by the Rabbi's wife"
"F**k the Rabbi's wife" says Abe, hysterically.
"What? You want the 1st prize as well?"
came the reply.
(XXX#72) The visitor
One afternoon, Maurice was walking in
Golders Green Park when to his utter amazement a small space ship landed
in front of him. As he stared at it, a beautiful, shapely female came out
and walked towards him. He couldn’t believe it – she was quite like any
Earth girl. She told him, in perfect English, that she was an ambassador
from Venus and that she had come specifically to learn more about Earth
and its customs.
Being single, Maurice offered at once
to escort her around London and asked her if they had nightclubs on Venus.
She replied, "What are night clubs?"
So Maurice took her to the Café
De Paris where they had an excellent meal. Then the music started. She
was a quick learner and soon was dancing just like the other women there.
They spent the rest of the evening dancing together and talking about the
differences between Earth and Venus. At midnight, Maurice took her back
to his flat for a nightcap.
As they were drinking coffee, Maurice
asked her whether Venusians liked to make love. "Of course we do," she
replied with a cheeky smile. So the two of them went into his bedroom and
began to undress.
Maurice soon noticed that she had emeralds
for nipples, a huge blue diamond instead of a navel and hundreds of small
rubies instead of pubic hair.
"Do all Venusians have jewels on their
bodies?" he asked.
"No, not the Gentiles." she replied.
(XXX#73) The newly weds
A marriage was arranged for a young Hasidic
couple, as has been the tradition for centuries. The wedding takes place
and Yossel and Annie are soon in bed ready to consummate their marriage.
But Yossel is a novice.
"I've never done this before," he tells
Annie.
Annie quickly reassures him. "Don’t worry,
darling, I will guide you through the process. First of all, remove your
garments."
He complies.
"No," she says, "all of them, not just
your tzitzis."
A little embarrassed, Yossel does what
he is told.
She says "OK, Yossel, now you need to
lie right on top of me."
"Naked?" he asks.
"Yes" she says. So Yossel climbs on top
of her, but just lies there.
"Now" she says, put it inside me."
"You mean my...?"
"Yes!"
Yossel again does what he is told but
is still embarrassed and just lies there, rigid, on top of her, doing nothing.
After 5 minutes of just lying there, it
suddenly becomes clear to Annie what must happen next.
"Now," she says to Yossel, "Daavin!!!"
(XXX#74) The cure
Rifka suffered from terrible headaches,
so she went to a doctor in Edgware who was excellent at curing headaches.
The doctor listened to her and said, “Don’t worry. Here’s what you do.
When you feel a headache coming on, sit down for 5 minutes in a private
place. Take deep breaths for 1 minute, massage the middle of your forehead
for another minute and then finish by repeatedly saying aloud for 3 minutes,
“I haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache, I haven't got a headache.
That’s all there is to it.”
Later that week, Rifka soon had to follow
the doctor’s advice and surprisingly, her headache went. Over the months
that followed, this method always worked for her.
One morning, Rifka thought, “If the doctor
was able to help me with my headaches, maybe he could also sort out my
Moishe’s impotence problems - he was not much good to me last night.”
She discussed her idea with Moishe and
to her surprise, he agreed to see the doctor that very day.
That night, as they got into bed, Rifka
said, “Let’s make love Moishe,” and was pleasantly surprised to hear him
say, “OK, but first I’ll need five minutes alone.” Moishe then disappeared
into the bathroom and 5 minutes later came out, got back in bed and then….
Well, Rifka couldn’t believe it. Moishe was making love just like he did
25 years ago.
The same thing happened every night and
Rifka couldn’t believe how good Moishe now was in bed.
But she soon began to wonder what he was
doing in the bathroom to overcome his problem. So one night, she told Moishe
she wanted to make love. As usual, he said, “I need my 5 minutes first,
though.”
This time, as soon as Moishe disappeared
into the bathroom, Rifka went to the door and peeked inside. There was
Moishe sitting on the edge of the bath massaging his forehead and murmuring,
“It's not my wife, it’s not my wife….”
go to fourth set
Comments
(XXX#75) I must have one
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following joke]
Jacob is 85 years old and has just arrived
in London to live with his daughter. One day, he’s taking a walk when he
sees a fellow Russian smoking a cigarette using a cigarette holder.
Jacob had never seen such a thing before,
so he asks, "vats duss?"
The other man says, "Dots a protector.
It protects mine clothing from de eshes and mine beard from de flame."
Jacob says, "I gotta hev one of dem too.
Where do you gedit?"
The other man says, "I godit in de chemist
shop."
Jacob walks all the way to the nearest
chemist, goes up to an assistant and says, "So gimme a protecter."
The assistant looks at the elderly little
man and decides to have some fun.
"So what size you want, mister?"
Jacob shrugs and says, "Size? It should
fit a cemel."
(XXX#76) In the surgery
[My thanks to Peter Scolding
for the following joke]
Morris, 86 years old, walked into a crowded
doctor's surgery. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
"Yes sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis,"
Morris says aloud.
The receptionist was quite shocked at
his reply and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded surgery and talk
that way."
"Why not?" said Morris, "you asked me
what was wrong and I told you."
The receptionist replied, "But you've
caused some embarrassment – this room is full of people. You should have
said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed
the real problem with the doctor in private."
So Morris walked out, waited several minutes
and came in again.
The receptionist smiled and said, "Yes
sir, how can we help you today?"
"There's something wrong with my ear,"
Morris replied.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and
smiled, knowing Morris had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with
your ear, sir?"
"I can't pee out of it," Morris replied.
(XXX#77) Modern dress sense
Rebecca is 15 years old and tonight she
has a date. When she finishes dressing, she comes downstairs and shocks
her Booba because Rebecca is wearing a see-through blouse and she’s clearly
not wearing anything underneath it. Her Booba shouts at her and tells her
she mustn’t go out un-dressed like that. She looks like a tart.
But Rebecca walks out the door anyway,
saying, “Booba, this is the 21st century, everybody lets their rosebuds
show."
The next day, when Rebecca comes home
from school, there is her Booba sitting in the lounge wearing no top. Rebecca
is very embarrassed and says, “Booba, I have friends coming over and it’s
not appropriate for you to...”
Her Booba interrupts and says, “Loosen
up Rebecca, this is the 21st century. If you can display your rosebuds,
then I can certainly display my hanging baskets."
(XXX#78) Visit to a psychiatrist
Sidney goes to see his psychiatrist. As
soon as he lies down on the couch, he says, “I needed to have this appointment
because I’m sure I’m gay.”
Doctor Myers says, “And what, please tell
me, makes you think you’re gay?”
“Well,” says Sidney, “my father Hershel
was gay and so was my grandfather.”
“So what?” says doctor Myers, “that doesn’t
make you gay as well. No one has proven that homosexuality is hereditary.”
“Well what if I told you that my 2 younger
brothers are also gay?” says Sidney.
“Well that would be interesting,” says
doctor Myers. “Is there anyone else in your family who you think is gay?”
“My cousin and uncle are,” replies Sidney.
“I must admit,” says doctor Myers, “that
I’ve never come across this before. Is there anyone in your family who
has sex with women?”
“Yes,” replied Sidney, “my sister.”
(XXX#79) The photo
Rachel goes into a chemist and asks to
see the pharmacist.
“How can I help you, madam?” he says.
“I need some arsenic, please,” Rachel
replies.
“And what, may I ask, are you needing
arsenic for?” the pharmacist says.
“I want to kill my husband.”
“Surely you know,” says the pharmacist,
“that I can’t sell you any for such a use.”
Rachel gives him a photo of a naked man
and naked woman clearly having sex.
Rachel says, “The man is my husband and
the woman is, as I’m sure you have recognised, your wife.”
The pharmacist looks at the photo intently
and says, “Oh, I didn’t know you had a prescription. I’ll go get you some
arsenic.”
(XXX#80) The breakfast
Abe and Freda had been married for 50
years. They were having breakfast one morning when Abe said to Freda, "Just
think, darling, we've now been married for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied. "Just think, fifty
years ago we were sitting here together at this very breakfast table."
"I know," said Abe, "and we were probably
sitting here naked, fifty years ago."
Freda giggled. "So what do you think?
Should we get naked again to see how we feel now?"
So Abe and Freda got up, stripped naked
and then sat down at the table again.
"You know, darling," Freda said breathlessly,
"I think my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I’m not at all surprised," replied Abe,
"one is in your tea and the other is in your porridge."
(XXX#81) The visit to grandpa
Moishe goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa
in hospital.
"How are you Zeida?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better, Moishe. These
young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK
Zeida?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every
night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
Moishe is alarmed at this and rushes off
to question the nurse in charge.
"What on earth are you doing?" he says.
"I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can't be correct?"
"Oh yes," replies the Sister. "Every night
at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep and the Viagra stops him
from rolling out of bed."
(XXX#82) The investigation
Sadie went to see her doctor and when
he asked her about her problem, she replied that she was suffering from
a discharge.
The doctor said, "OK, Undress please and
go lie down on the examination table."
She did what he asked.
The doctor put on his rubber gloves and
began investigating her "private parts".
After a couple of minutes, he asked Sadie,
"How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," replied Sadie, "but the discharge
is from my ear."
(XXX#83) The gambler
Beckie walks into Coutts Bank in the Strand
and opens an account with £500,000 in cash. Because of the amount
of money, the deputy manager goes over to her, gives her his card and says,
“If there’s any service you need in future, please call me directly.”
A few days later Beckie returns and deposits
a further £800,000. This time the manager goes over to her, gives
her his card and says, “If there’s any service you need in future, please
call me directly on my private line.”
A week later Beckie returns and sees the
manager. “You told me that I should just ask if I wanted anything. Well.
I want to meet Lord Coutts in person.”
The manager makes a phone call and then
escorts Beckie to Lord Coutts office. She is welcomed in.
“What do you do for a living?” Lord Coutts
asks Beckie.
“I gamble, your lordship. I bet on almost
everything and with almost anyone.”
“Well," he says, “would you like to make
a bet with me and if so, about what?”
Beckie replies, “OK. I bet your lordship
£100,000 that two weeks from today, your testicles will become cube
shaped.”
Lord Coutts is embarrassed, but figures
she’s an important client and in any case, he can't lose. So he accepts
the bet.
Two weeks later Beckie returns accompanied
by her associate carrying a large bag. She says that they have come to
collect her bet.
Lord Coutts laughs. “But you’ve lost.
My testicles are still perfectly round.”
“Your lordship,” says Beckie, “because
of the size of our bet, I have a right to personally check.”
Reluctantly, Lord Coutts opens his trousers
and pulls down his pants.
Beckie grasps his testicles, at which
point her associate says, “Damn, Beckie, you've won yet again.”
“Won?” says Lord Coutts, “but she hasn't
won.”
“Oh yes she has,” says the associate.
“She bet me £500,000 that by this afternoon, she'd be holding Lord
Coutts by the balls.”
(XXX#84) The choice
Hannah goes to visit her dentist.
When Moshe finishes examining her teeth,
he says, "I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but you need root canal treatment
to one of your molars."
Hannah cries, "Oy vey ist mir. I'd rather
have a baby."
Moshe replies, "Well let me know what
you decide – I’ll have to adjust the chair either way."
(XXX#85) The strong man
Fay and Cyril get married and on their
first night in bed, Cyril puts his arm around Fay and very sweetly whispers,
"Fay darling, please pull up your nightgown."
Very sweetly Fay answers, "Nooo."
Cyril asks again, a little sterner, "Fay
pull up your nightgown."
Fay again says, "No."
Cyril is now angry and says, "Fay, pull
up your nightgown or I'm going out the door and you’ll never see me again."
"No." says Fay.
So Cyril gets up and goes out the front
door, slamming it behind him. Fay immediately gets up and locks the door.
Not too long after, Cyril is back. He
tries the front door but finds it locked. So he taps on the door and says,
"Fay, my darling, open the door, it’s me."
Fay says, "Nooo."
Cyril knocks a little louder, "Fay, sweetness,
please open the door."
"No." says Fay.
Cyril starts kicking the door and shouts,
"Fay, open this door right now or I'll break it down."
Fay says, "Really? A door you can break
down, but a nightgown you can't pull up?"
(XXX#86) I want some silk
Hymie is an elderly yarn merchant who
has the misfortune of living next
door to Fred, a well known anti-Semitic.
One day Fred calls on Hymie and says,
"Hey Jew! I need a piece of orange silk." "OK, says Hymie, "how long?"
Fred looks at Hymie and replies, "The
length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis and I
want it delivered to me tomorrow latest."
Hymie says, "OK."
Fred is awakened early next morning by
loud noises. He looks out his window and sees a row of lorries lined up
outside his house, dumping lorry full after lorry full of orange silk into
his front garden. Soon, the front of Fred’s house is 3 foot deep in orange
silk. Then there is a knock on his door and when he opens it, there’s Hymie
with an invoice for £8,000.
Fred starts screaming at Hymie. "What’s
this, Jew? This is not what I asked for. I told you I wanted a piece of
silk from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at
my front garden. What do you have to say for yourself?"
Hymie replies, "I'm very careful when
I deal with people like you, that's why I’ve got a few witnesses here with
me now. I may be off by a few miles so I gave you a discount, but...the
tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision!"
(XXX#87) The 5 symbols
During some recent excavation work, a
team of Israeli archaeologists discovered a previously undetected cave.
They were very excited because the following five symbols were carved on
one wall of the cave.
a woman;
a donkey; a shovel; a fish;
a Star of David;
The archaeologists declared this a unique
find - the carvings were thought to be at least 3,000 years old. They carefully
cut out the piece of stone holding the symbols and sent it to the Tel Aviv
museum. Soon, archaeologists from all over the world were invited to meet
to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The chairman opened the meeting by pointing
to the first symbol and saying, "We can judge from the first symbol that
this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also
tell that they were smart enough to train donkeys to help them till the
soil. The shovel symbol means they had tools to work with. Their intelligence
is highlighted by the fish, which means that if their crops failed, they
would take to the sea for food. The last symbol means they were evidently
Hebrew."
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Suddenly a little old man stood up in
the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left.
This is what it says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman.'"
(XXX#88) The prescription
Esther goes to her doctor because she
hasn't been "regular" for some time. The doctor examines her, finds nothing
unusual and attributes her problem to her diet. He recommends she take
a laxative.
"Don’t forget I keep kosher," she says,
"whatever you prescribe must be kosher."
"I want you to take Serutan," says the
doctor, "and don't worry, it's kosher."
"You're sure, doctor?" says Esther, "you're
absolutely positive it's kosher? If it's not kosher I can't take it and
I'd be very mad if I were to find out it wasn't kosher."
"Of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled
backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?" replies
the doctor.
Two weeks later, Esther comes storming
back. "Doctor," she shouts, "I'm so angry with you that I'm going to sue
you."
"What's wrong?" the doctor asks, very
concerned.
"That medicine you told me to take - it's
not kosher," replies Esther.
"Of course it's kosher," replies the doctor.
"It's called Serutan, and as I told you, serutan spelled backwards is natures."
"Well doctor," Esther says, "Serutan spelled
backwards may be natures, but taking Serutan gave me such gas! And FART
spelled backwards is TRAF."
(XXX#89) Staff relations
Two chauffeurs are waiting for their bosses
to come out of the synagogue after evening prayers. While they are waiting
by their Rolls Royce and Bentley cars, they hear a trumpet-like sound coming
from the Synagogue.
“Hey, what instrument is that?” said one
of them.
“That’s not a musical instrument,” said
the other, “they’re blowing the shofar.”
“Really,” said the first chauffeur, “they’re
sure good to their staff.”
(XXX#90) The blue suit
Issy has just passed away and his wife
Rifka goes to the mortuary. As soon as she sees him she starts crying.
An attendant tries to comfort her. Through her tears Rifka explains that
Issy is wearing a black suit and he always wanted to be buried in a blue
suit. The attendant explains that they always put the bodies in a black
suit as standard procedure, but he'd see what he could do.
The next day, when Rifka returns to the
mortuary to have one last moment with Issy, she smiles through her tears
- Issy is now wearing a blue suit.
She asks the attendant, "How did you manage
to get hold of that nice blue suit?"
"Well, yesterday, after you left, a man
about your husband's size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit.
His wife was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black
suit," the attendant replied. "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping
the heads around."
(XXX#91) The white towel
Nathan is 75 years old and has just married
Rose, a 35 year old. They are very much in love, but no matter what Nathan
does sexually, Rose can’t achieve an orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled
to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask their rabbi for some advice.
When Rabbi Bloom hears their story, he
says, "Here’s what you can do. Hire a handsome young man and during your
lovemaking, get him to wave a white towel over you both. That will help
Rose let her imagination run wild and should bring on an orgasm."
Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi Bloom's suggestion.
They hire a handsome young man and next time they are making love, he waves
a white towel over them as instructed. But it doesn't help Rose - she is
still left unsatisfied.
So back to Rabbi Bloom they go.
Rabbi Bloom looks at Nathan and says,
"OK. Let's try it another way round. Get your young man to make love to
Rose and you wave the white towel over them."
Once again, Nathan and Rose follow Rabbi
Bloom's advice. That night, as soon as the young man gets into bed with
Rose, Nathan starts waving the white towel. The young man ‘works’ with
great enthusiasm and soon Rose has an enormous, earth shattering orgasm.
Nathan smiles, looks at the young man
and says to him smugly, "See - that’s how to wave a towel."
(XXX#92) Elderly love
As soon as Ruth hears that her 99year
old grandfather has died, she goes to see her 95year old grandmother to
comfort her.
"Oh Booba, I’m so sorry. How did Zeida
die?"
"He had a heart attack on Sunday morning
while we were making love."
"But Booba," says Ruth, "You were both
nearly 100 years old. Didn’t you realise that having sex would be asking
for trouble?"
"Many years ago," replies her grandma,
"realizing our advanced age, we thought the best time to make love was
when the church bells were ringing. It was just the right rhythm for us,
nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply down on the Ding
and up on the Dong. And if that ice cream van hadn't come along, your Zeida
would still be alive today."
(XXX#93) Time for marriage
Victor and Leah were an elderly couple
who had been dating for some time. One day, they decided it was finally
time to get married. But first, they needed to discuss how their marriage
might work. They talked about finances, living arrangements, health and
finally, their conjugal relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" Victor asked
Leah, with a smile on his face.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently,"
replied Leah.
Victor thought about this and then asked,
"Was that one word or two?"
(XXX#94) The survey
Sadie was participating in a family survey.
The interviewer asked her, “How do you feel about condoms?”
Sadie replied, “Depends on what's in it
for me.”
go to fifth set
Comments
(XXX#95) Retired folk
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Whilst walking to the Brent Cross shopping
centre, Moshe passes by an old age home. Sitting on deckchairs outside
the front door of the home are six old ladies and they are as naked as
the day they were born. Moshe thinks this is a bit unusual, but continues
on his way to the shops.
On his return, he passes the same old
age home with the same six old ladies sitting naked on deckchairs. This
time Moshe’s curiosity gets the better of him and he goes inside to talk
to the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies sitting
naked on deckchairs outside your front door?"
"Yes I do," says the manager, "they’re
retired prostitutes and they're having a garage sale."
(XXX#96) Useless
Rifka says to her friend Hetty, “My Moshe
is useless.”
“Why do you say that,” says Hetty.
“Because the way he goes about foreplay
is a total waste of time. All he manages to do is make me feel like a light
switch someone’s trying to find in the dark.”
(XXX#97) So what about it
Moshe was talking to his friend, who was
a Marketing Manager.
“Benny,” says Moshe, “what’s the difference
between marketing and advertising? I’ve always wanted to know.”
“Well,” replies Benny, “suppose you’re
at a party and you see a gorgeous lady across the room. Well, there
are a number of things that could happen.
1. You could go over to her and say, ‘Hi,
I’m great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s DIRECT MARKETING.
2. You could give your best friend £10
so he goes over to her and says, ‘Hello, see my friend over there? He’s
great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s ADVERTISING.
3. She could come over to you and say,
‘Hello, I’ve heard you’re great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s BRAND RECOGNITION.
4. You could go over to her and get her
telephone number. Then next day you could call her and say, ‘Hello, I’m
great in bed, so what about it?’
That’s TELEMARKETING.
5. You could walk over to her, pour her
a drink and say, 'May I?' You could then reach up to straighten her hair,
at the same time brushing your groin against her leg, and say, 'Hello,
I'm great in bed, so what about it?’
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.
6. You could talk her into going home
with your friend.
That's a SALES REP.
7. Your friend might not be able to satisfy
her and so she could then text you.
That's TECH SUPPORT.
8. You could leave the party and on your
way home realize that there are probably many beautiful women in the houses
you're passing. So you could shout out at the top of your voice, 'I'm great
in bed.'
That's JUNK MAIL.
“Thanks, now I understand,” says Moshe.
(XXX#98) Admiration
Hetty is having afternoon tea in a Hendon
cafe. On an adjacent table, Mary is also having tea. Mary leans over towards
Hetty and says, "Excuse me asking, but are you Jewish?"
"Why yes I am," replies Hetty.
"I thought so," says Mary, "you have a
Jewish holiday this week, don’t you?"
"Yes we do, it’s called Rosh Hashanah."
"Is that when you light a different coloured
candle every night?" asks Mary.
"Oh no," says Hetty, "that's Chanukah."
"Then is it the one when you’re not allowed
to eat any bread?" asks Mary.
"No, that's Passover," says Hetty, "Rosh
Hashanah is when we blow the Shofar."
"That's really nice," says Mary, "that's
what I admire about you Jewish people – you’re so good to the staff."
(XXX#99) Quickies
Q: How do you know when a Jewish
woman has an orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file
Q: Why do Jewish women always go for men
who are circumcised?
A: Because they find it hard to refuse
anything with 10% off.
Q: Why does a married Princess close her
eyes whilst she’s making love?
A: Because she can’t stand to see her
husband enjoying himself.
(XXX#100) What’s in a name?
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
In pharmacology, all drugs tend to have
a generic name. For example, Tylenol is called acetamophen, Aleve
is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin and Advil is called ibuprofen.
The Israeli drug agency had been looking
for some time for a generic name for Viagra and after many months, they
settled on the generic name mycoxafloppin.
NOTE: They had also given thought to these
other generic names - mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud,
dixafix and ibepokin.
(XXX#101) All for love
Sadie is visiting her best friend Rose
one afternoon for tea and notices a lovely vase of fresh flowers in the
kitchen.
“Oh Rose,” says Sadie, “what amazing flowers.”
“Yes, they are nice, aren’t they,” said
Rose. “I get sent flowers every week.”
“So where do you get them from? Tell me,
are you having an affair?”
“Don’t be silly Sadie, of course not.
My husband sends them to me.”
“What on earth do you have to do for them?”
“Do for them?” replied Rose, “I have to
spend my life on my back with my legs in the air, that’s what.”
“Why,” asks Sadie, ”don’t you have a vase?”
(XXX#102) End of the affair
Hyman decides to take his secretary Sharon
to dinner one night, so he rings his Beckie and tells her he is going to
an important business dinner. After a good meal, Hyman drives Sharon back
to her flat and she, in turn, offers him some coffee. Soon, one thing leads
to another and they find themselves in bed. But no matter how hard he tries,
poor Hyman can’t get an erection. So shamefaced, he apologises to Sharon
and goes home.
As he quietly gets into bed next to his
snoring Beckie, Hyman’s thigh touches hers and he instantly gets an erection.
He gets back out of bed, goes into the bathroom, looks at his penis and
says, “Now I know why they call you a shmuck.”
(XXX#103) Hallucinations
One day, Moshe the psychiatrist takes
a call from a woman asking for help. She has been having hallucinations
and he makes an appointment to see her.
When Moshe sees her for the first time,
he is so smitten by her beauty that he says to her, “Please undress and
go lie down on my couch. I’ll be with you soon.”
As soon as she does what she was told,
Moshe gets onto the couch and makes love to her. As he gets off the couch,
Moshe says to her, “Well that’s my problems taken care of, now let’s hear
yours.”
(XXX#104) The shlepper
Rivkah meets her friend Leah in Brent
Cross shopping centre. “Leah, you’re looking so radiant. How come?”
Leah replies, “You won’t believe me but
on Tuesday, a handsome young man rings my doorbell and asks whether my
husband Cyril was home. I said no and he immediately shleps me upstairs
and makes love to me for one hour. On Wednesday, he again rings my doorbell
and asks whether my husband was home. I said no and once again he shleps
me upstairs and makes love to me, this time for two hours. Yesterday, he
rings my doorbell and again asks whether my husband was home. I said no
and yet again he shleps me upstairs and makes love to me, this time for
three hours.
“Oy vay,” says Rivkah, “that’s amazing.”
“Yes, it was very satisfying,” replied
Leah, “but there’s just one thing that’s puzzling me. What does this man
want with mine Cyril?”
(XXX#105) Early love
Little Yitzhak and Rivkah are only 10
years old and think they are in love. So they decide to get married. Yitzhak
bravely goes to Rivkah's father and says, "Mr Levy, me and Rivkah are in
love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Keeping a serious face, Mr Levy replies,
"Well Yitzhak, you are 10, I believe. Where will you both live?"
Yitzhak replies, "In Rivkah's room. It's
bigger than mine so we can both fit nicely."
Still trying not to smile, Mr Levy says,
"OK then, where will you get enough money to support Rivkah? You're not
old enough to get a job."
Yitzhak replies, "Rivkah gets £8
a week pocket money and I get £7.50 a week pocket money. That's over
£65 a month and that should be enough."
Mr Levy is surprised that Yitzhak has
put so much thinking into the marriage, so he tries to come up with something
that Yitzhak won't be able to answer. He says, "Well Yitzhak, it seems
like you’ve got everything worked out. I have just one more question for
you. What will you do if you should have little ones of your own?"
Yitzhak shrugs his shoulders and replies,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
(XXX#106) Every so often
[My thanks to my son Paul
for the following joke]
The Inland Revenue sends their auditor
to a synagogue. The auditor is doing every type of check and is driving
everyone potty with his questions. Soon it’s the Rabbi’s turn. The auditor
says to the Rabbi, "I notice you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the
candle drippings?" he asks.
"A good question," says the Rabbi. "We
actually save the drippings. When we have enough, we send them back to
the candle maker and every so often they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed
that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought
he'd go on, in his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about the boxes of matzo
you purchase? What do you do with the matzo crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we
actually collect all the matzo crumbs. When we have enough, we send them
in a box back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free
box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard
how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Yes, here too we do not waste," replied
the Rabbi. "We actually save all the foreskins and when we have enough,
we send them to The Inland Revenue."
"To the Inland Revenue?" asked the auditor
in disbelief.
"Oh yes," replied the Rabbi, "The Inland
Revenue - and once a year they send us a putz like you."
(XXX#107) Man’s best friend
One day, Ethel tells Benjy, “I’ve found
myself another lover and I want a divorce.”
“Never,” says Benjy, “I don’t believe
in divorce. But I’ll tell you what you can do. If your new man is presentable,
why not bring him home to live with us?”
Ethel accepts this arrangement. Her new
lover comes to live with them and soon Ethel is pregnant.
A few years later, the four of them are
out walking when Benjy meets an old friend of his.
“Benjy. You’re looking very well,” says
his friend, “who is that lovely lady?”
“That,” replies Benjy with pride, “is
my wife.”
“And who is the young boy?”
“That’s my son Isaac,” answers Benjy.
“And who is that nice looking young man
with your wife?” asks his friend.
“Ah,” replies Benjy, “that’s my schmuck.”
(XXX#108) Competition
Leah meets Cyril at a dance. They have
a great time and end up leaving together. When they get back to his place,
Cyril shows Leah around his house. Leah notices that Cyril’s bedroom is
full of teddy bears - hundreds of them. There are cute small ones on a
shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on the next
shelf up and huge bears on the top shelf. Leah is surprised that such a
handsome and virile looking man should have such an extensive collection
of teddy bears. Nevertheless, she decides not to mention it to him. As
times goes by, his sensitive side turns her on. Soon they kiss and then
they make love.
Later, as Leah is lying there in the afterglow
of some intense love making, she says to him, smiling, "Well, Cyril, how
was it for you?"
Cyril replies, "Help yourself to any prize
from the bottom shelf."
(XXX#109) Joys of life
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Avrahom and David were such innocent young
men that on their 18th birthdays, they decide to celebrate by getting their
first ‘piece of tuches’. They make arrangements with Becky, the neighbourhood
floozy, for the following Sunday. Over the following days, the forthcoming
event begins to weigh heavily on Avrahom’s mind so he decides to confide
in his father to find out everything he should know.
His father asks him, “Do you have condoms,
Avrahom?”
Avrahom replies, “What’s a condom, dad?”
His father goes to his bedside table and
takes out a pack of three. “Here. You take one of these and unroll
it over your putz before you put it in. Even if you don't like wearing
it, don’t take it off. It not only helps prevent children, but also, most
important of all, it prevents you from getting all those bad venereal diseases
you've heard about.”
So on Sunday morning, Avrahom meets David,
gives him a condom and explains
word for word everything his father had
told him. Then they go to Becky for their first indoctrination into the
joys of life.
A week later Avrahom asks David if he
feels like he’s caught a disease.
David replies, “No.”
Avrahom says, “Neither do I. Let’s take
the damn condom off, I have to pish.”
(XXX#110) The mumbling patient
Hyman is lying in bed in hospital with
an oxygen mask over his face. A young nurse is sponging his chest.
"Nurse," Hyman mumbles from behind his
mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the nurse replies, "I don't
know, I'm only here to sponge you."
Hyman struggles again to ask, "Nurse,
are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell.
I'm only here to sponge you."
Then the matron arrives and sees how distraught
Hyman is getting.
"Matron," Hyman mumbles, "are my testicles
black?"
Matron whips back Hyman’s blankets, pulls
down his pyjama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look
and announces, "There’s nothing wrong with your testicles."
Hyman pulls off his oxygen mask and asks
again, "Are my test results back?"
(XXX#111) Small mercies
Benny was in conversation with his friend
Victor. "So Victor, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special," replied Victor,
"I'm having Social Security Sex."
"Social Security Sex?" says Benny, "What’s
that?"
"You know, Benny, you get a little each
month, but not enough to live on."
(XXX#112) The inventors
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Chaim and Moshe come from a small European
shtetl and both go to America. Although they travel to different cities,
they decide to meet up in New York after a year.
They meet at the agreed date. Moshe comes
in rags but Chaim arrives driving a large Lexus. Moshe tells Chaim how
he spent his year. "It was terrible. I couldn’t find any work and I'm still
starving. But I see you've done really well, Chaim. Good for you."
Chaim replies, "You’re right. I invented
a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells
like banana and is spread over a penis."
When they depart, they decide to meet
again in the same place one year later.
When they meet again, Chaim comes in his
Lexus but this time Moshe arrives in a chauffeured Rolls Royce with three
servants who come in a separate Rolls Royce.
"I see you've made a fortune. Good for
you, Moshe," says Chaim.
Moshe replies, "You’re right. I invented
a cream, but as it’s patented, my invention can’t help you. The cream smells
like penis and is spread over a banana."
(XXX#113) Like this
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
Sarah comes skipping home from school
one day. "Mummy," she says, "we were counting today and all the other children
could only count to four, but I counted to 10. Like this - 1, 2, 3, 4,
5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?" Sarah
asks.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies
her mother.
The next day, Sarah comes skipping home
from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were saying the alphabet today and
all the other children could only say it to D, but I said it to G. Like
this - A, B, C, D, E, F, G."
"Very good, dear," says her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," replies
her mother.
The next day Sarah comes skipping home
from school. "Mummy," she says, "we were in gym class today and when we
showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I don’t. Like this."
And Sarah lifts her tank top to reveal a firm pair of breasts.
"Very good, dear," says her embarrassed
mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"
"No dear, it's because you're 24."
(XXX#114) Secret of life?
Issy and Sadie are celebrating their wedding
anniversary in a small country pub. Issy leans over and says, "Do you remember,
Sadie, the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went
behind this pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Oh yes," Sadie replies, "I remember it
very well."
"So how about you and I taking a stroll
round the back and doing it again for old times sake?" says Issy.
"Oooooooh Issy, that sounds like a good
idea," she answers and off they go.
On the next table, Sam has heard this
and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly people making
love against a fence." So he follows them.
Issy and Sadie walk along together, leaning
on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. When they get to the
fence, Sadie turns around and as she hangs onto the fence, Issy moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into action. They
are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for ages
with Sadie yelling, "Ohhhh God," and Issy hanging on to her for dear life.
Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.
When they recover, Issy and Sadie struggle
to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, I
must ask them what their secret is."
As Issy and Sadie make their way back
past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must have been making
love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" Issy replies,
"Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."
go to sixth set
Comments
(XXX#115) End of an affair?
Yitzhak comes home one day to find his
wife Rivkah crying. "What’s the matter, darling?" asks Yitzhak.
"I’ve just found out that you've been
having an affair with your secretary. How could you do this to me? Haven't
I always been a good wife to you? Haven’t I cooked for you, raised your
children and always been by your side when you needed me? What have I done
to make you unhappy?"
Yitzhak confesses, "It's true, you really
are the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways -
except one."
"What’s that?" asks Rivkah.
"You don't moan when we make love," replies
Yitzhak.
"Do you mean that if I did moan," says
Rivkah, "you'd stop running around? In that case, let’s go to bed now so
I can show you that I can moan during love making."
So they go upstairs, get undressed and
get beneath the sheets.
As they kiss, Rivkah asks, "Now, Yitzhak,
should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Yitzhak begins fondling Rivkah. "What
about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Rivkah and they begin
to make love.
"Is it time for me to moan, Yitzhak?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Then, seconds before reaching climax,
Yitzhak yells, "Now, Rivkah, moan."
"Oy vay! You wouldn't believe what a day
I’ve just had!"
(XXX#116) Sleeping problems
Leah has a problem with her Issy and goes
to see her therapist. "Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem.
Whenever my Issy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream
when he climaxes."
"But that’s quite common, Leah, in fact
it’s completely normal. There really isn’t anything I can do."
"But doctor, my problem is that it wakes
me up."
(XXX#117) Early desires
One day, Rebecca asks her class, "Children,
can anyone tell me what they would like to have when they grow up?
Little Leah puts up her hand and replies,
"Teacher, when I grow older all I want is four animals."
Rebecca asks, "Is that so, Leah, and what
four animals would they be?"
Leah replies, "A mink on my back, a jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in my bed and an ass to pay for it all."
(XXX#118) Decisions, decisions
[My thanks to Alex for the
following]
Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel in
Brent Cross shopping centre. "You’re looking very tired today, Rachel.
Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all
very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so
I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what
were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent,
sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my Issy a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did
you choose?"
"I can’t remember," replies Rachel.
(XXX#119) The special
Hetty was enjoying a good game of bridge
with her friends when she suddenly shouted out, "Oy Vay, look at the time.
I must get home quickly and fix dinner for mine Moshe. He's always so angry
if it's not ready on time."
But when she got home, she quickly realised
that she hadn’t done her weekly shopping and all she had in the fridge
was a hard-boiled egg, some parsley and a tin of Whiskers cat food. But
our Hetty was quite resourceful - she scraped out the cat food onto a plate,
added some slices of egg, put parsley around the food, added a dollop of
tomato sauce and put the plate on the table, just as Moshe arrived home.
She met him at the front door with a kiss,
led him to the table and then watched anxiously as he sat down to eat.
To her great relief, Moshe enjoyed her concoction. "Hetty, this new dish
is the best meal you’ve made in a long, long time. Please make it for me
regularly."
After that, Hetty made Moshe his ‘special’
every bridge night. And then ….she told her bridge group her secret.
"But my dear Hetty, you can’t let him
eat it – apart from not being kosher, it’s likely to kill him in due course,"
said one. And 6 weeks later, he did indeed die.
When her bridge friends came around to
pay their respects, one of them said, "You killed him, Hetty. We told you
he would die if he kept on eating cat food."
But Hetty answered, "For what it’s worth,
I definitely did not kill mine Moshe. He fell off the piano while he was
licking himself."
(XXX#120) Inflation
[My thanks to Alex for the
following]
Hannah has had a tiring day at the office
and is now on her way home to Hendon. She gets on a tube train at Bank
station and, as usual, is dismayed to find it packed. Everyone is squashed
together like sardines. But this time, things get worse.
During the next 10 minutes, she becomes
more and more aware of the man standing behind her - so much so that when
the train reaches Euston, she turns to him and without attracting other
passengers’ attention, says, "I can feel something hard rubbing against
my backside. Please remove it."
The man quietly replies, "There’s no need
to get panicky. I got paid today and what you feel is a roll of £50
notes in my pocket."
"So are you telling me that between Bank
and Euston your salary doubled?" says Hannah.
(XXX#121) Surprise in a lift
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Moshe, just 5 feet tall, is in a lift
on his own when, on the 3rd floor, a giant of a man gets into the lift
with him. He’s so big that Moshe just can’t help staring up at him. The
giant sees Moshe staring at him and says, "Yes, I’m big, aren’t I? I’m
7 feet 3 inches, 330 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 pounds each testicle, Turner
Brown."
Moshe says, "Oy Vay," and immediately
faints to the floor. The giant kneels down and starts to gently slap Moshe’s
face and shake him. When Moshe gains consciousness, the giant asks him,
"Is there anything wrong with you?"
In a croaky voice, Moshe replies, "What
exactly did you say to me just before?"
The giant replies, "I saw the look on
your face when you first saw me and thought I’d give you answers to the
questions going through your mind. So I told you I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall,
weigh 330 pounds, have a 15 inch penis, each of my testicles weigh 2 pounds
and my name is Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Thank goodness, I thought
you said, 'turn around.'"
(XXX#122) Not quite “Weakest Link”
Freda is 75 years old and lives in a retirement
home in Golders Green. One day, she bursts into the games room where a
number of men are playing tiddlywinks and draughts, holds her clenched
left fist in the air and announces, "If anyone here can guess what's in
my hand, they can make love to me tonight in my room."
An elderly gentleman stops what he’s doing
and replies, "Is it a plate of salt beef and latkes?"
Freda thinks for a few seconds and says,
"Yes, that’s close enough."
(XXX#123) The other side
Hyman and his wife Yetta never got on
in their latter years and when Hyman died after a long illness, Yetta put
an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper stating that he died
of gonorrhoea.
As soon as Hyman’s sister read the paper,
she phoned Yetta. "You know perfectly well that Hymie died of diarrhoea,
not gonorrhoea."
Yetta replied, "Of course I know he died
of diarrhoea – after all, who was it who nursed Hyman night and day? Nevertheless,
I thought my announcement would be a better way for people to remember
him - as a great lover rather than the big shit he was."
(XXX#124) The warning
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Issy, Benny and Howard went everywhere
together. They were not only friends but also three very different people.
Issy was an alcoholic, Benny was a heavy smoker and Howard was gay. However,
over the years, all three became desperately ill so one day they decided
to see a doctor to discuss their options.
The doctor examined each one in turn and
when he had written up his notes, he looked up and with a very serious
look on his face, addressed all three of them. He said, "It’s very clear
to me that if you continue to indulge in your abhorrent vices, even just
once, you will die. Please believe, I know what I’m talking about."
Each one left the surgery determined never
again to indulge in his vice. However, on their way home, they passed a
wine bar. Issy heard the loud music, he smelled the drink and without thinking,
led his friends inside and ordered a glass of wine. As soon as he had finished
the drink, he fell dead on the floor.
Benny and Howard were totally shaken when
they left the bar. They now realized more than ever the seriousness of
their doctor’s warning.
As they continued home, Benny saw a cigarette
end lying in the gutter. It was still alight but before Benny could do
anything, Howard put his hand on Benny’s shoulder and said, "You know,
if you bend down to pick up that cigarette end, we're both dead."
(XXX#125) The dust cloud
It’s 6.30am and the alarm clock goes off
in Hymie and Becky’s bedroom. Hymie awakes and starts to get ready for
work. He takes a pair of fresh underpants from his wardrobe and is surprised
to see white powder fall from them. So he shakes them a bit and creates
a mini dust cloud.
"Becky," he says to the figure still in
bed, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
Becky replies, "I didn’t, darling. It's
not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Gro'."
(XXX#126) Yiddish Proverb
When the penis stands, the brains get
buried in the ground.
(XXX#127) Slippery customer
Ruth was having a conversation with her
best friend Sadie. "Do you know what happened last night, Sadie? Mine Abe
walks into our bedroom and gives me a tube of KY Jelly."
"Why did he do that?" asks Sadie.
"Well, he told me he bought it for me
to make me happy. But immediately he gave it to me, he goes downstairs
to watch football on TV. What a chutzpah, and me with my new sheets."
"But did it work?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, Abe was right - it did make me happy.
When he left the room, I squeezed it over the bedroom door handle and mine
Abe couldn't get back in."
(XXX#128) Appearances are deceptive
Cyril was the black sheep of his family
and decided to live in a nudist colony. One day, he was surprised to receive
a letter from his grandma. In her letter, she told him that she was the
only one who still wanted to remain in contact with him and she asked him
to send her a current photo of himself in his new neighbourhood. The only
recent photo he had of himself was one of him in the nude. Too embarrassed
to remind her that he now lived in a nudist colony, Cyril cut the photo
in half but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the photo. When he
realised he’d sent the wrong half, he got quite worried, but then remembered
how bad his grandma's eyesight was and assumed she wouldn’t notice.
Some weeks later, Cyril received a reply
from his grandma. It said: -
"Thank you bubbeleh for the
photo. But please, for your grandma, change your hairstyle - it makes your
nose look short.
Love Grandma"
(XXX#129) Double trouble
Melvyn ordered a new pair of reading glasses
and went to his opticians to collect them. When he got them, he rang Rose
to pick him up. On their way home, they stop off at their local coffee
shop for a bite to eat. As they looked at the menu, Melvyn said,
"Rose, I can only see everything double with these new glasses, so please
order for me - I’m going to the toilet."
When Melvyn came back, the front of his
trousers were soaking wet. "Oy vay," said Rose, "what happened?"
"Well I'll tell you," said Melvyn, "As
I was standing in front of the urinal, I looked down and I saw two, so
I put one back."
(XXX#130) Adam and Eve’s choice
After God completed the world, he found
he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give
one to Adam and one to Eve and he’d let each choose which one they wanted.
When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
So God explained, "One of the items is
a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It's very useful.
The other thing I have is ………"
But Adam was no longer listening. As soon
as he heard about the ‘stand-up-peeing’ device, he started jumping up and
down like an excited little boy. "I’d love one of those," he said. "To
be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it."
God turned to Eve and said, "Nu? So what
do you think?"
Eve just smiled and replied, "As Adam
desperately wants it, let him have it."
Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately
used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand.
God watched Adam for a few minutes, then
turned to Eve and said, "Well, here's the other thing, it’s all yours."
"What's it called?" said Eve.
"A brain," replied God.
(XXX#131) Hold on
Rifka and Sam are Londoners on their first
driving holiday in the USA. Everything is going well until driving through
a remote part of Arizona, their car breaks down. Luckily, an Indian on
horseback sees their predicament, rides up to them and offers to take one
of them to a nearby town to get help.
Sam says to Rifka, "Darling, I think it
best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our
car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the
car. Be careful and I’ll see you soon."
So Rifka climbs up behind the Indian and
off they ride.
They had been going for only a few minutes
when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a,"
and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town.
He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with
one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."
"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did
you get that Indian so excited?"
"I didn’t do anything, honest," replies
Rifka, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, with my arms around
his waist and holding onto the saddle horn to keep me from falling. That’s
all."
"Lady," says the garage owner laughing,
"Indians never use saddles."
(XXX#132) Home comforts
Maurice and Estelle were not having a
good sex life. After yet another listless love making session, Maurice
decided to confront Estelle. "How come you never tell me or indicate when
you have an orgasm?"
Estelle looked at Maurice with contempt
and replied, "You're never home."
(XXX#133) Death wishes
Even though it was Issy and Yetta’s 40th
wedding anniversary, they still had their inevitable, regular quarrel.
Only this time, it was more serious than ever before.
Issy shouted, "When you die, Yetta, I'm
going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replied, "When you die,
Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Issy - Stiff
At Last.'"
(XXX#134) Definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois
Two headaches and a hard-on.
go to seventh set
Comments
(XXX#135) The inexperienced couple
Yitzhak and Leah decide to marry. However,
they are both so inexperienced that neither knows what they have to do
on their wedding night. So they go to Rabbi Bloom for advice.
After hearing their story, Rabbi Bloom
takes them upstairs to his bedroom and says to Leah, "I want you to get
undressed and get on my bed. I’ll get undressed too and then I’ll be able
to show you both exactly what you will have to do on your wedding night."
So Leah gets undressed as she was told
and gets up on the bed. Rabbi Bloom then begins to demonstrate on Leah
the steps and actions involved in making love. From start to finish!
As soon as Rabbi Bloom finishes, he starts
getting dressed, saying to Yitzhak, "Well, that’s what you have to do,
Yitzhak. You can see that it has worked by the lovely glowing look on Leah’s
face. So now I suggest you take her home and practice what I’ve shown you."
But then Leah interrupts and says, "Hold
on Rabbi, could you please show Yitzhak again what to do. He’s a little
forgetful."
(XXX#136) Riddle
Q: What is a Jewish nymphomaniac?
A: A wife who does her hair and sleeps
with her husband on the same day.
(XXX#137) A wise man
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Hymie is talking to Max. "I wish my zaydeh
(grandfather) were still alive today," he says.
"Why’s that, Hymie," asks Max.
"Because he always had pearls of wisdom
to pass onto me," replies Hymie,
"So was he a wise man?" asks Max.
"Wise?" replies Max, "of course he was
wise. I remember once we were sitting on a park bench watching some mothers
and their children playing around and enjoying themselves when he turned
to me and said, ‘Hymie, be sure to marry a Jewish girl with small hands.’
‘Why, zaydeh?’ I asked.
‘Because they’ll make your pecker look
bigger,’ he answered."
(XXX#138) A useful hobby
[My thanks to Stephen for
the following]
Rose is talking to her friend Sharon.
"Did you know, Sharon, that I’ve been married 3 times?"
"No I didn’t," replies Sharon, "did you
love all three of your husbands equally?"
"No I didn’t," replies Rose. "My first
husband Alan was a gynaecologist, but he would only look at it. My second
husband Henry was a psychiatrist, but he would only talk to it. But
I loved my third husband David the best. He was a stamp collector."
(XXX#139) Mine lips you can kiss
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Although Rivkah’s husband Aaron died almost
five years ago, she’s finding it very difficult to come to terms with her
loss and she often acts as if she’s still in mourning. Naomi, her
daughter, is constantly urging her to get back into the living world, but
up to now is having no luck.
But then one day, Naomi is surprised to
hear her mother say to her, "OK, I’ll go out, but I don’t know anyone to
go out with."
Naomi quickly says, "Don’t worry, mum.
I know someone you’ll really like. His name is Cyril."
Cyril and Rivkah became a couple almost
instantly and after dating for nearly two months, Cyril asks Rivkah whether
she would like to spend the coming weekend with him at the Grand Hotel,
Eastbourne. "Of course, Cyril," she replies.
On their first night at the hotel, they
both start to undress. Soon, Rivkah is standing there naked except for
a pair of black lacy panties and Cyril is in his birthday suit. Cyril looks
at her and asks, "Nu? So vy the black panties?"
Rivkah replies, "Mine lips you can kiss,
mine neck you can nuzzle, mine breasts you can fondle and mine body you
can explore. But down… you-know-where, I’m still in mourning."
Cyril realises that this night is not
going to be his night for L-O-V-E. But he’s patient and cunning. The same
thing happens the next night – Rivkah stands there wearing her black panties
and Cyril wears nothing....except this time he’s wearing a black condom.
Rivkah looks at him and asks, "What's
with this black condom?"
"I vant to offer my deepest condolences,"
replies Cyril.
(XXX#140) Yiddish story
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
Fay and Ethel are two alte maidel shvesters
(old sisters), both of whom are virgins. One evening, Fay says to Ethel,
"Ich vilt nish shtarben a virgin (I don't want to die a virgin).
Ich gayen arum and ich nist kimpt ahaim until I've been shtupped." (I'm
going out and I'm not coming home until I've been laid).
Ethel replies, "Vell OK, but make sure
you're home by 10 o’clock so I shouldn't vurry about you."
10 o'clock comes and goes and there's
no sign of Fay, then 11 o'clock and midnight. Finally, just after 1 o’clock
in the morning, the front door opens and in walks Fay. She heads straight
for the bathroom.
Ethel is worried so she knocks on the
bathroom door and shouts, "Do bist goot, Fay?" (Are you OK Fay?)
No answer, so she opens the bathroom door
and sees Fay sitting there with her panties around her ankles, legs ousgashprait
(wide apart) and her head stuck between her legs looking in her "knish"
(you figure it out!).
"Vous is de mair (what's the matter)?"
asks Ethel.
Fay replies, "It vuz ten inches long ven
it vent in and only five inches ven it kimpt oise (came out). Ven I find
the other half, Ethel, you too can have the time of your life."
(XXX#141) Zip problems
Naomi is waiting for a bus to take her
to Brent Cross shopping centre. When it arrives she tries to get on, but
because she’s wearing a very tight mini skirt, she can't get her leg up
onto the first step of the bus. So she reaches behind her, undoes her zipper
a little and tries again to get on the bus. But she can’t - her skirt is
still very tight. So she again reaches behind her and undoes the
zipper a little bit more. But she still can’t lift her leg.
She’s getting a bit flummoxed (anxious)
now because there are people behind her waiting to get on. So she reaches
behind her a 3rd time and yanks the zip all the way down. But she can’t
believe it – she still can’t lift her leg.
Just then, the man directly behind her
picks her up and drops her into the bus. Instead of thanking him, Naomi
turns to him and says angrily, "How dare you? Only a close friend
would dare do such a thing."
The man smiles at her and says, "Please
forgive me. After the expert way you dealt with my zipper, I really thought
we were friends."
(XXX#142) A good check up
Just before her 70th birthday, Kitty says
to her husband, "You know what Harry? I think I'll go see Dr. Besser and
get myself checked over. I haven’t been to see him for ages."
"That’s a good idea, darling," says Harry.
Two days later, Kitty is telling Dr. Besser
why she’s come. "I haven’t had a check-up for over 25years and I think
it wise to have one now," she tells him.
"I agree," he says. "Get undressed, put
on this gown and go sit down on the bed over there. Then I’ll look you
over."
As soon as she’s done what he’s asked,
Dr. Besser goes over to her, puts his hand under the gown, lifts her right
breast and tells her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"Nothing wrong there," says Dr. Besser.
He then lifts her left breast and again says to her, "Say 99."
"99," says Kitty.
"This one’s fine too," says Dr. Besser.
"Now I’ll like to check out your other vitals. Lie down on the bed and
put your feet in the stirrups."
Kitty does what the doctor asked. Dr.
Besser puts on a rubber glove, rubs on some KY jelly and starts to check
out Kitty’s private parts for any problem signs. He once again says to
her, "Say 99."
This time Kitty replies, "One, two three,
four ........"
(XXX#143) It’s wonderful
Whilst out shopping in Hendon with her
grandchildren, Hannah is forced to let her small grandson pee in the gutter.
As she watches him do his thing, Hannah can’t help but praise aloud, in
no uncertain terms, what she sees.
"Oh, how gorgeous, how cute, how wonderful,
and how BIG it is."
Standing on the other side of the road
is Moshe and he’s been watching and hearing the event over the road. Then
Moshe shouts over to Hannah, "Lady, if you’re such a maven, such an expert
in such male things, why don’t you come over here and give me an estimate
also."
(XXX#144) The braggers
Abe is flying home to London on a BA scheduled
flight after attending a business meeting in Paris. A Frenchman and an
Italian are seated next to him. After a while, the three get talking
about their home lives.
"Last night," brags the Frenchman, "I
made love to my wife four times and this morning she made me delicious
crepes and told me how much she adored me."
"That’s nothing," responds the Italian,
"last night I made love to my wife six times and this morning she made
me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love any other man."
Abe remains silent, so the Frenchman asks
him, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night, monsieur?"
"Once," Abe replies.
"Only once?" snorts the Italian, arrogantly,
"and what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop," replies Abe.
(XXX#145) A letter to an Agony Aunt
Dear Naomi
I am getting married next month to a gorgeous
girl called Miriam and our reception is going to be held at the Dorchester
hotel in London.
Because my family’s invitation list totalled
120 people, more than her parents were expecting to pay for, Miriam’s mother
Rachel invited me to her house in Hampstead to see what could be done.
When I got there, Rachel and I went through my list and we managed to trim
it down to 101, including my Rabbi. Rachel said she could accept this number.
She is not only young and attractive but also very understanding.
Then, out of the blue, Rachel shocked
me. She said that she fancied me and that before I became a married man,
she would like to have sex with me. She then turned around and started
walking upstairs to the bedroom. Half way up the stairs, she turned around
and told me that if I wanted to leave, I knew where the front door was.
I stood there for a few minutes and then
made my decision. As I headed out the front door, there was Max, my future
father-in-law, leaning on my Lexus. Smiling, Max said to me, "Mazeltov,
you’ve passed our little test." He then explained that they just wanted
to be sure I was a good Jewish boy and would be faithful to their little
girl. We then shook hands.
So Naomi, the question is, should I tell
Miriam what her parents did and that I thought their test insulted my character?
Or should I keep quiet, knowing that the reason I went to my car was to
get a condom?
Relieved of Edgware
(XXX#146) Money first
Sadie and Becky have been best of friends
for some time. Then one day in Brent Cross shopping centre, Sadie notices
that Becky is not only wearing new gold and diamond jewellery but also
the latest in designer clothes. She’s also had her hair done immaculately
and her nails are well manicured. So she says, "Becky, how come all this
new gear? Where did you find the money?"
"I get my extra money by charging mine
Issy £5.00 every time we have sex," Becky replies.
"Wow," says Sadie.
"And you can do the same with your Benny,"
says Becky. "It really adds up quickly, but you must remain firm, you mustn’t
let him talk you into accepting less and you must never let him coax you
into doing it for nothing."
"OK," says Sadie, "that sounds easy enough.
I’ll start tonight. Benny will certainly be surprised."
That night, when Benny is ready to have
sex, Sadie says to him, "From now on, darling, you’ll always have to give
me £5.00 before we have sex." She then tells him why.
"Oh, I see," he says and gets out of bed
to get the money. But he quickly realises that he has only £4.50
in his wallet.
Sadie refuses to accept it. "Rules are
rules," she says. "If you want sex, you’ll have to give me the full amount
- £5.00."
"Alright," says Benny, "so we can't have
sex. But can I touch you for £4.50? We'll just make-out, OK?"
"OK," says Sadie.
Benny starts to kiss her and fondle her
body. He rubs against her, etc, etc. Quickly, Sadie starts to get hot and
bothered and finally she’s so turned on that she says, "If it's all right
with you, Benny, I'll lend you the 50p until tomorrow."
(XXX#147) Forgotten ticket
Arnold leaves for a 2 day business trip
to Paris. As he’s walking to the station, he realises that he’s left his
British Airways ticket on the bed. So he returns and quietly enters the
house.
There in the kitchen is his Ruth. She’s
wearing her skimpiest negligee and she’s standing at the sink washing the
breakfast dishes. She looks so inviting that Arnold tiptoes up behind her,
reaches out, and squeezes her right breast.
"Leave only one pint of milk," she says
without turning, "Arnold won't be here for breakfast tomorrow."
(XXX#148) The Chasid
A Chasid arranges for a hooker to come
to his room for the evening. They undress, get into bed and make mad passionate
love. Then the Chasid jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath,
runs out the door, returns, jumps back into bed with the hooker and repeats
the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto
of the second encounter. The Chasid then jumps up, runs over to the window,
takes a deep breath, runs through the door, returns, jumps back into bed
with the hooker and starts again.
This sequence is repeated four times.
The hooker is totally amazed. Then after the fifth encore, she decides
to try it herself. So she jumps up, goes to the window, takes a deep breath,
runs through the door ….. and finds the other nine members of the Minyan.
(XXX#149) The wrong solution
Moshe is fed up with his Becky because
she keeps on asking him how she looks. So he decides to buy her a full
length mirror. But this doesn’t give the required result. Becky now continually
stands in front of the mirror, looks at herself and still asks him how
she looks.
One day, Becky has just got out of the
shower and again stands in front of the mirror. This time she starts to
complain that her breasts are too small.
"Oy vay," says Moshe to himself, "here
we go again."
But he suddenly has an idea. "If you want
your breasts to get bigger," he says to Becky, "then I suggest you take
a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds
every day."
Becky is willing to try anything, so she
fetches a piece of toilet paper, stands in front of the mirror and starts
to rub it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of
years," Moshe replies.
Becky stops rubbing and asks, "Why will
rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day make my breasts
grow bigger over the years?"
Moshe just shrugs and replies, "Why not?
It worked for your toches, didn't it?"
STOP PRESS: Moshe lived to tell
the tale and with a great deal of therapy may walk again soon.
(XXX#150) Women’s questionnaire
A recent study was set up for women, asking
them how they felt about their arse.
• 85% of women think their arse
is too big.
• 10% of women think their arse is too
small.
• The other 5% say that they don't care
- they love him and would have married him anyway.
(XXX#151) The bridge club
Sharon runs a local bridge club which
is renowned for the quality of its players. One evening, just before the
players are due to arrive, she gets a last minute call from one of them
saying that she is sick and won’t be coming in. Unable to get a replacement
at such short notice, Sharon persuades her husband Brian, a mediocre player
with a bad attitude, to make up the foursome.
During the evening’s play, Brian gets
up and goes to the toilet, leaving the door ajar. Soon, everyone can hear
him peeing. Embarrassed, Sharon calls out, "Brian, would you please close
the toilet door."
But Brian’s partner says, "Never mind,
Sharon, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what
the man has in his hand."
(XXX#152) Tit for tat
Sadie, an elderly, rather poorly dressed
lady is in a lift in a well known London department store on her way down
to the ground floor. On the 4th floor, a beautiful young woman gets into
the lift wearing what to Sadie is an expensive perfume. The woman turns
to Sadie and says, arrogantly, "Balenciaga, £100 an ounce!"
On the 3rd floor, another beautiful woman
smelling of expensive perfume gets into the lift and very arrogantly turns
to Sadie and says, "Christine Dior, £150 an ounce!"
When the lift reaches the ground floor,
as she leaves the lift, Sadie looks both beautiful women in the eye, bends
over, farts and says, "Broccoli – 75p a pound."
(XXX#153) The photographer
[My thanks to Ray H for
the following]
Shlomo and Sadie have been unable to have
children and in desperation decide to use a proxy father to start their
family. On the day the proxy father is to arrive, Shlomo kisses Sadie and
says, "He should be here soon so I’d better be off."
But just after Shlomo leaves, a door-to-door
baby photographer calls at their house hoping to make a sale. "Good morning
madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"There’s no need to explain," says Sadie,
"I've been expecting you. Do come in."
"Oh, really?" says the photographer. "Well
then, let me say that I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped,"
says Sadie, blushing. "So where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me," says the photographer,
"I usually try two in the bath, one on the armchair and perhaps a couple
on the bed. On the floor is fun too - you can really spread out."
"In the bath, on the floor? No wonder
it didn't work for me," says Sadie.
"Well, madam," says the photographer,
"none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several
different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly,"
gasps Sadie.
"Madam," says the photographer, "in my
line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five
minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Sadie exclaims.
The photographer opens his briefcase and
takes out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of
a bus in Hampstead, London."
"Oh my god," says Sadie.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally
well when you consider their mother was difficult to work with," says the
photographer, as he hands Sadie the picture.
"What do you mean she was difficult?"
asks Sadie.
"Well, I had to take her to Hyde Park
to get the job done right," he replies, "and people were crowding around
us five deep to get a good look."
"Five deep?" says Sadie, with her eyes
wide open in shock.
"Yes," the photographer says, "and it
lasted for 4hours with the mother constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed
up and left."
"Your......equipment?" says Sadie.
"That's right. Well if you're ready, I'll
set up my tripod and we can get to work."
"Tripod?" says Sadie, looking extremely
worried.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest
my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for
action. Madam? Madam? Oh dear, she's fainted!"
(XXX#154) The professionals
Maurice, Isaac and Hannah are sitting
at a bar in the City talking about their professions.
Maurice says, "I'm a yuppie. You know
- young, urban, professional."
Isaac says, "I'm a dink. You know - double
income, no kids."
They then turn to Hannah and say, "And
you?"
She replies, "I'm a wife. You know - wash,
iron, f**k, etc."
go to eighth set
Comments
Jonah Quiz
And the L-rd appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;
and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three
nights. Then Jonah prayed to the L-rd his God from the belly
of the fish, saying 'I called to the L-rd out of my distress
and He answered me' ... and the L-rd spoke to the fish, and
it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land.
(Jonah 1:17;2:1-2,10)
What does this story teach us?
Pick an answer:
That was one finicky whale
Chew before you swallow
The whale could not stomach Jonah
"Lord, I ordered a Jonah medium-rare. This one is raw!"
You can't keep a good man down
Comments
Song Snipet
sung to the tune of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home",
with the beat indicated by capitalized syllables --
The Rabbi came with a BIG sharp knife, oy VEY! oy VEY!
The Rabbi came with a BIG sharp knife, oy VEY! oy VEY!
The Rabbi came with a BIG sharp knife, I thought he
surely would take my life,
but ALL he WANted was a Little bit off the TOP.
Comments
Judaism 1.0
[Query]
Hi, I'm about to install SCO Unix. But I heard that any Unix is full
of daemons or demons. I uninstalled Linux because of that reason and
because I had a lot of trouble since having installed it. As a
Christian user, I don't want to have to do anything with Satan and
his daemons. Is the only alternative for me Windows NT?
[author's reply]
I'm afraid that all platforms have daemons running somewhere. To
see NT's, right click on the task bar, select "Task Manager" and
you'll see all the programs running in the background. The solution
to your problem is not to switch to NT but to upgrade to a new
personal operating system that does not require the fear of
daemons. I recommend Judaism 1.0 which had been offering an
un-advertised competitive upgrade for the last 6,000 years. Check
your phone directory for the address of your nearest authorized
services center for details.
There are many other advantages to an upgrade to Judaism 1.0:
Thousands of local authorized services centers (temples).
Expert consultant at every services center (rabbi).
User group meetings every Saturday.
Advanced Study Centers (Yeshivah).
Annual reboot ceremony (Yom Kippur).
Economical. Does not require a large Vatican MIS department.
Flexible development, arguing and porting environment.
Runs most compatible jobs and careers without modification.
To aid in the upgrade, Judaism 1.0 comes with a complete
Documentation package, including:
Source Code (Torah).
Translation to English (Old Testament).
Annotated release notes (Talmud).
Getting Started guide (Maftir).
There are some details which must be known before upgrading. Due to
reliability considerations, multiple personal operating systems are
not supported. Therefore, the upgrade is actually a total
replacement. Fortunately, the tested in-place-upgrade preserves
everything and does not require unloading assets and starting over.
Although there are no license fees, maintenance charges (tithe) or
Upgrade charges, donations are usually requested at the Saturday
user group meetings, (but not at the orthodox ones) and after the
annual reboot ceremony. There are media charges for printed
documentation. Some minor accessories (yamulkah, tallis, tefillin)
may need to be purchased.
Once the Judaism personal operating system is installed and properly
licensed, you are allowed to make backup copies for all your child
processes. However, they will be running "Judaism Lite" until age
13 when the full personal operating system may be safely installed
(Bar Mitzvah). There are a number of holidays, festivals and events
which may involve some downtime. These are explained in the
documentation in excruciating details. The lunar calendar is
non-standard but conversion utilities are available.
Judaism 1.0 is compatible with both Unix and NT. It involves no
fear Of daemons, numbers (663) or scientific notation. Many
features of the Beta versions of Judaism were cloned by your
existing personal operating system. Reliability is greatly
enhanced by 5,759 years of experience as compared to only 1,999
years for your current installation. This allowed time to do
testing and avoid squabbles over standards as is currently
underway in Ireland.
Judaism 1.0 is an impressively powerful personal operating system,
but with an installed base of only 3% of the US population. This
small but fanatically loyal user base has resulted in extremely
low turnover. This also yields excellent system reliability,
honesty, survivability and high net worth benchmark results.
Having run Judaism 1.0 for the past 50 years, I can testify as to
all the above advantages. I have never experienced a system crash,
hang, purge or pogrom that could be attributed to a bug or glitch
in the personal operating system. I highly recommend installing
the upgrade.
Comments
Kashrut for the Rebbe
The Satmar Rebbe has died. He goes straight up to Gan Eden.
He finds a large table surrounded by a great number of
long-bearded men studying Gemara, shokeling the whole time
On the table is an enormous smorgasbord of delicacies:
kishke, shlishke, kugel, roast chicken, gefilte fish, and lotsa other
goodies. As the men learn, they take food off the table and eat it.
One man approaches the Rebbe.
"Rebbe, at last you have joined us!
All day, we study and, while we study, we have a great banquet.
Please join us. Would you like something to eat?"
The rabbi looks at the man and asks him, sternly,
"Who's the mashgioch ?"
The man looks at the Rebbe incredulously, and replies, almost with
a laugh, "This is Gan Eden! HaKodoysh Bareech...He is the
mashgioch!"
The Rebbe strokes his long, white beard for half an hour and
shokels, pondering the matter. All his students look at him eagerly,
waiting to hear what the Rebbe will say.
Finally, the Rebbe speaks.
"I'll have the fruit," he says, "on a paper plate."
Comments
How Old Are You?
A Jewish patriarch was on the witness stand.
"How old are you?", asked the District Attorney.
"I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one."
"What was that?"
"I said, I am, kayn aynhoreh, eighty-one years old."
"Just answer the question!" yelled the D.A., "How old are you!?"
"Kayn aynhoreh, eightly-one." the old man replied.
The judge said, "The witness will answer the question & only the
question or be held in contempt of court!"
The counsel for the defense rose and asked the judge,
"Your Honor, may I ask?" and turned towards the old man,
"Kayn aynhoreh, how old are you?"
The old man replied, "Eighty-one"
Comments
On the First Day of Creation, the Keebler Elves Gave to Me
by Natalie Overstreet
"In the beginning the Elves created the Tree. And the Tree was empty and
hollow, and cold inside. And the Elves said, Let there be heat: and there was
heat. And the Elves saw the heat, that it was 375 degrees Fahrenheit or
190 degrees Celsius: and the Elves divided the heat from the rest of the
Tree. And the Elves called the heat Fire, and the Tree they called Home. And
there was dough, and there were cookies: the first snack."
"And the Elves said, Let there be an axe, to divide the wood from the wood.
And the Elves made the axe, and divided the wood from the wood: and it was
so. And the Elves called the wood Fuel. And there was dough, and there were
cookies: the second snack."
"And the Elves said: Let the heat within the Tree be kept in one place, and
let floor space appear: and it was so. And the Elves called the floor space
Kitchen; and the gathering of the heat called they Oven: and the Elves saw
that it had preheated. And the Elves said, Let the kitchen bring forth dough,
the workers yielding labor, and the chocolate chips yielding fat after its
kind, whose calories are in itself, upon the hearth: and it was so. And the
kitchen brought forth dough, and workers yielding labor after their kind,
and the chocolate chips yielding fat, whose calories were in itself, after
its kind: and the Elves saw that it was yummy. And there was dough, and there
were cookies: the third snack."
"And the Elves said, Let there be brands in the Tree to divide the crackers
from the cookies; and let them be for marketers, and for wholesalers, and for
retailers, and consumers: and let them be for sweets in the hollowness of the
Tree to give obesity upon the earth: and it was so. And the Elves made two
great brands; the greater brand to rule the cookie market, and the lesser
brand to rule the cracker market: they made other brands also. And the Elves
set them on the supermarket shelves to give obesity upon the earth. And to
rule over the cookie and cracker markets, and to divide the one from the
other: and the Elves saw that it was profitable. And there was dough, and
there were cookies: the fourth snack."
"And the Elves said, Let the oven bring forth abundantly the many items that
hath fat, and cookies that may induce sugar highs in the open forum of the
free market. And the Elves created great pie crusts, and every filling item
that hath fat, which the oven brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and
every sugary cookie after its kind: and the Elves saw that it was dominant.
And the Elves blessed their creation, saying, Be profitable, and fattening,
and fill the airwaves on the television, and let sugar multiply in the
hyperactive. And there was dough, and there were cookies: the fifth snack."
"And the Elves said, Let the earth bring forth the living consumer after his
kind, children, and couch potato, and every thing that muncheth upon the
earth after his kind: and it was so. And the Elves made the munchers of
snacks after his kind, and children after their kind, and every thing that
lieth like a slug in front of the tube after his kind: and the Elves saw that
it had potential. And the Elves said, Let us make cartoons in our image,
after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the wholesaler of the
warehouse, and over the retailer of the supermarket, and over the customers,
and over all the earth, and over every couch potato that vegetateth upon the
earth. So the Elves created cartoons in their own image, in the image of the
Elves created they them; static and animated created they them. And the Elves
blessed them, and the Elves said unto them, Be popular, and multiply, and
saturate the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the wholesaler of
the warehouse, and over the retailer of the supermarket, and over every
couch potato that vegetateth upon the earth. And the Elves said, Behold, we
have given you every kitchen bearing dough, which is upon the screen of all
the earth, and every chocolate chip, in which is the fat of a chip yielding
calories; to you it shall be for profit. And to every consumer of the earth,
and to every retailer of the product, and to every thing that vegetateth upon
the earth, wherein there is a market, I have given all fresh dough for
profit: and it was so. And the Elves saw everything that they had made, and,
behold, it would ensure a secure retirement. And there was dough, and there
were cookies: the sixth snack."
"Thus the Tree and the marketplace were finished, and all the host of them.
And during the seventh snack the Elves ended their work which they had made;
and they rested during the seventh snack from all their work which they had
made. And the Elves blessed the seventh snack, and fortified it: because that
during it they had rested from all their work which the Elves created and
made."
Comments
KGB
Place and time: somewhere in the Soviet Union in 1930s.
The phone rings at KGB headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this KGB?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of
the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinovitz's house. They
search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece
of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Yankel Rabinovitz and
leave.
The phone rings at Rabinovitz's house.
"Hello, Yankel! Did the KGB come?"
"Yes."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yes, they did."
"Okay, now its your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed."
Comments
Children on a Kibbutz
I was reminded this morning of a charming incident that occurred
while I was living on kibbutz and working in a childrens' house with
3-year olds.
The children were asked to describe what growing-up was like on
kibbutz. One by one, each child gave us his input:
You are born and then you go to live in the baby house.
When you get older, you move into the childrens' house.
When you get even older, you go to live and study at the
regional high school.
After finishing high school, you go into the army.
After the army, you return to kibbutz.
You get married.
You have children.
You grow old and start speaking Yiddish.
The reasoning behind #7 was obvious to us. Practically all of the
older members of the kibbutz were from eastern Europe and their
"mama loshen" was Yiddish, which none of the younger members
understood. However, for my 3-year olds, speaking Yiddish was just
part of the natural life cycle on kibbutz - when you grow old, you
start speaking Yiddish!
Comments
Bible Stories Retold
It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they
are retold by young scholars around the world:
Comments
Elijah
The sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of
Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained
how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in
pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the
people of G-d to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the
altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why G-d
would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great
enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
Comments
Learning to Spell
My son, Matt, a kindergartner, practices spelling with magnetic
letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been
proudly displayed for all to see. One morning while getting ready
for the day, Mitchell bounded into the room with his arms
outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: "G"-"O"-"D"
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" Mitch exclaimed, a proud smile on his
face.
"That's wonderful!" I praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge
so Dad can see when he gets home tonight." That religious education
is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you
spell 'zilla?'"
Comments
The Differences Between Catholics and Jews
One family was visiting another in a different state. The little
boy who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided
to go swimming in a near by stream. Not having thier swim suits
with them, they decided to "skinny dip".
After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the
bank. The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference
and said, "Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between
Catholics and Jews!"
Comments
King David's Top 7 List
From our home Temple in Jerusalem. King David's top seven reasons
Jesus was not the Messiah.
Unwritten Messianic rule: Not allowed to have more than 100 million
innocents murdered in your name.
At least David Copperfield reappears.
Required to fulfill minimum of one Messianic prophecy in Tanakh
within first 1,000 years (or first 1,500 years if extended Messiah
warranty coverage is purchased).
Before telling followers to believe based on faith alone, forgot to
say,
"Simon says".
Unlike Maimonides, didn't have enough sense to listen to mother and
become doctor.
Is unquestionably considered Messiah in Poland.
Isaiah warns us not to follow a man-made religion led by a "carpenter"
in Chapter 44.
Comments
Kippah Debate
The debate over the kippah:
The "Scientific" "Rational" Jew insisted that since no verse can
be found in the Torah that a kippah should be worn, it is not
obligatory.
Responded the more observant Jew, "Yes, it is there! In the verse
about Abraham praying to Hashem."
"How can that be?" queries the other?
"Because a good Jew like Abraham would pray with a kippah!"
Comments
Kohanim
A guy goes to his rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I'd like you to make
me a Kohen."
The Rabbi replies, "I'm sorry, I can't do that." The man then
offers the Rabbi a substantial donation to the shul if he could
do this.
The Rabbi replies, "That sure would be a much appreciated donation.
I'd like to accept it. But I still can't make you a Kohen."
So the man increases his offer.
The Rabbi replies, "Wow. The shul could certainly use this large
contribution. I'd really like to accept... but I'm afraid I still
can't make you a Kohain."
So the man says, "Look Rabbi. This is really important to me.
I'm prepared to donate $100,000 to the shul if you just make me a
Kohain."
The Rabbi replies, "$100,000! We could build a new wing for that!
I wish I could accept it, but I still can't make you a Kohain. But,
tell me, please, why are willing to donate so much money to be
a Kohain?"
The man replies, "You see, it is very important to me. My father
was a Kohain, my grandfather was a Kohain..."
Comments
Kohanim Perks
Moishe wants desperately to be a Kohen. After nudging his rav about
it, the rav cannot convince Mosihe that he just cannot MAKE him a
Kohen. But, he tells Moishe to go to a different shul where no one
knows him. When they ask who is a Kohen, Moishe should volunteer
and no one will ever ask or know the difference.
So, the next Monday morning, moishe goes to the other shul. Just
before Torah reading, the shamash asks, "Are there any Kohanim?"
Moishe quickly raises his hand. The shamash replies, "Oh! We
have a chatan and a yahrtzeit for two Yisra'elim today. So, could
you do me a favor and leave the room?"
Comments
A Kosher Kitchen
Perhaps you know the story about Chaim who is emigrating to Israel, and the
customs officer at Haifa points out that you can bring in ordinary household
appliances without duty, but how come he is trying to bring in 7 refrigerators.
Chaim explains: "I'm Orthodox, so I need one for milchig, one for fleischig,
and one for parve." Okay, says the customs officer, that's 3, not 7.
"Well," says Chaim, "the first three are for regular. I need another three
for Pesach, also milchig, fleischig, and parve." Fine, says the officer,
that's 6. Why 7?
"So nu," says Chaim, "if I want to eat a little treyf once in a while?"
Comments
Kosher Response to 'Green Eggs and Ham'
Sam!
Will you never see?
They are not KOSHER,
So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham.
I will not eat them Sam-I-am.
But I’ll eat green eggs with a biscuit.
Or I will try them with some brisket.
I’ll eat green eggs in a box.
If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try
Scrambled up inside some matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,
I’ll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you’re a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,
But troubled by green eggs and ham.
Let your friends in on the scoop:
Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
Comments
Kosher Symbols
A few Kosher symbols you may have overlooked...
K.O. Hashgacha of the World Boxing Federation
DANNY K Supervision of the Vaad HaComedians
K SERA SERA Hashgacha given by liberal branches of Judaism.
K MART Hashgacha given by Rabbis who have decided to
discount their normal fees and make money
through volume.
YUD K, VOV K Under Divine Supervision
I'M OKAY, YOU'RE OKAY Hashgacha given by the local psychiatric
association.
Comments
Kosher Christmas
A Jewish family had settled in the small New England town, and, as
the years went by, they became thoroughly assimilated. In most ways
they could hardly be told apart from their Christian neighbors. At
Yuletide they always had a Christmas tree for their little boy who
was as delighted with it as any other child in town.
One Christmas, when the boy was six, he was invited to a party given
by a Gentile playmate. When he got home from the party he was full of
breathless curiosity.
"Tell me, Dad," he asked, "do Gentiles, too, believe in Christmas?"
Comments
Non-Jew in the JCC
One day, my fraternity was doing the occasional philanthropy event. This
time it was doing some construction work at the local Jewish Community
Center. Lunch time came, we took a break, and we ate what their little
cafeteria was serving: hambugers.
One of my many fraternity brothers didn't know much about kosher.
Needless to say, he didn't get a very positive reaction when he asked the
lunch lady "Do you have any cheese for this burger?"
Comments
The Kronikle's 1999 Oscar Picks
by Simmy Kustanowitz
Kronikle Movie Kritic
YOU'VE GOT MALE:
A Chabad rebbetzin is overcome with joy when the
doctor tells her that, after 12 daughters, she
finally has a son.
THE TRUMAH SHOW:
A man is surreptitiously videotaped every year
at harvest time as he separates heave-offerings
for the kohanim.
OUT OF SIGHT:
Sisterhood members refuse to attend services when
the rabbi raises the mechitza by a foot, and blocks
their view of the goings-on in shul.
THE THIN RED LION:
Orthodox zoologists discover an acceptable
substitute for the elusive Parah Adumah
(Red Heifer).
PRIMARY COLORS:
A Long Island mother sues the caterer who supplied
decorations in pastel hues for her son's Bar Mitzvah.
PLEASANTVILNA:
A nostalgic view of the simple life in a shtetl
in Eastern Europe.
Comments
Jews and Lightbulb Jokes
Jews don't change lightbulbs! We hire someone! In fact, the only
time a Jew ever climbed a ladder, they made a whole production
out of it- - they called it "Fiddler on the Roof"!
- Rodney Dangerfield
Comments
The Little Old Lady
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated
young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you
knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and
gives up the seat.
The girl then takes out a fan and fans herself. The woman looks up and
says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl
gives her the fan.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop,
I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at
the next corner, not in the middle of the block. Her hand across her
chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me
out here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out.
As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "
"Chutzpah," she replies.
Comments
The Large Family
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun
walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame.
They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his
wife and his 13 children.
"My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family.
G-d is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!"
Comments
Last Rites
A old Jewish man is in his death bed. His wife comes in and asks
if she can do anything for him.
"There is one thing. Call a priest."
"Darling, you're delirious. You mean a Rabbi"
"I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late at night?"
Comments
Last Meal
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish
to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then
executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then
executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries. STRAWBERRIES ????
Yes, Strawberries. He is told "But they are out of season !"
"So, nu, I'll wait...."
Comments
What is a Lawyer?
Q: What's a lawyer?
A: A nice Jewish boy who is afraid of blood.
Comments
Learn Yiddish Through Poetry
A NUZ is a nose
A RAZE is a rose
And GRUZZ is grass
That grows and grows.
ESS'n is eat
HITS is the heat
and FLAYSH is every kind of meat.
A bed is a BET
A divorse is a GET
And the thing you wear on your head
Is a HET.
Money is GELT
The world is DEE VELT
And when you get angry and curse
You Shelt.
LICHT is light
And ANEG is tight
And after TUG comes NACHT
Which is night.
Comments
Leftover 1999 Israeli-Election Stickers and Signs
"Bye-Bye, Bibi."
"Israel wants change. But we prefer bills, if you have any."
"Vote Likud: Because we'd all love another four years of anxiety, economic
downturn, bad relations with the U.S., and divisions within our community."
"Vote Likud or we'll have to put Arik Sharon in charge."
"Vote 'One Isreal' (Labor) because Arafat prefers us."
"Vote 'One Israel'. Our guy was Bibi's commander and has more medals."
"Vote 'One Israel'. We've hired the best political consultants the White
House could afford us."
"Vote Merkaz (Center): We have four top guys, none of whom has a clue or a
platform. But at least we're not the other two main parties."
"Vote Merkaz: Hey, if H. Ross Perot can do it, so can we!"
"Meretz: Exit Left. Shas: Exit Right."
"Vote for Shas because our spiritual leader looks like a mobster and our
political leader was convited of corruption."
"Vote for Israel Ba'Aliyah because we don't actually state our position
until we are in a position to bargain."
"Vote for the Ultra-national right wing coalition because living in paranoia
is fun."
"The Pot Party will take you higher."
"The Casino Party ... don't gamble on it, but we might win a few seats!"
"Hadash: We're Israeli-Arabs. So we're probably more like you than the
other 31 parties. Besides, Miss Israel 1999 is an Israeli-Arab."
Comments
Lawsuit, Shmawsuit
Judge Alex Kozinski & Eugene Volokh,
103 Yale Law Journal 463 (1993)
Searching the MEGA file in LEXIS reveals that "chutzpah"
(sometimes also spelled "chutzpa," "hutzpah," or "hutzpa") has
appeared in 112 reported [judicial] cases. Curiously, all but eleven
of them have been filed since 1980. There are two possible
explanations for this. One is that during the last thirteen years
there has been a dramatic increase in the actual amount of chutzpah in
the United States--or at least in the U.S. legal system. This
explanation seems possible, but unlikely.
The more likely explanation is that Yiddish is quickly
supplanting Latin as the spice in American legal argot. As
recently as 1970, the Second Circuit not only felt the need to
define "bagels"; it misdefined them, calling them "hard rolls
shaped like doughnuts." All right-thinking people know good bagels
are rather soft.{fn1} We've come a long way since then.
The first reported use of "chutzpah" was in 1972, in an
opinion of the Georgia Court of Appeals.{fn2} We're happy to say
it was quite apt: breaking into a sheriff's office to steal guns
qualifies as chutzpah in our book. The four times "chutzpah" was
used in published opinions in 1973, the courts didn't even bother
to give a definition. And, as we said, it's been used over a
hundred times since 1980. During the same period, the word
"temerity" (a woefully inadequate substitute) was used only about
two hundred times, and "unmitigated gall" a mere ten.
Other Yiddish words have had tougher sledding. Variations on
"kibitz" have appeared in ten cases,{fn3} "maven" in four, "klutz"
in three.{fn4} "Schlemiel" (also spelled "shlemiel") comes up five
times, but one is in a quote from testimony, which doesn't count,
one is in the name of a book and two are descriptions of Woody
Allen's screen persona.{fn5} The only bona fide use was, believe
it or not, in another Georgia opinion (and not by the same judge,
either).{fn6}
"Schlimazel" is nowhere to be seen, even when spelled as
"schlimazl," "shlimazel," "shlimazl," "schlemazl," "shlemazel,"
"schlemazel," or "shlemazl." "Schmooze" appears only once, in--you
guessed it--a Georgia case. Unfortunately, the judiciary of that
great state stumbled this time, both misusing the word and
misspelling it as "schmoose." We concede that Webster's permits
this spelling, but what do they know from Yiddish?
There is, of course, one obvious question that must be on
every reader's mind at this juncture: what about "schmuck"?
Regrettably, we were stymied in our schmuck search by the fact that
many people are actually named Schmuck.{fn7} This is an
unfortunate circumstance for researchers (and even worse for the
poor Schmucks themselves).
We therefore can't report on the degree to which schmuck has
worked its way into legal English, which is too bad, because
schmucks are even more common in courtrooms than schlemiels,
schmoozing, and chutzpah. We can, however, mention that there's a
U.S. Supreme Court case named Schmuck v. United States. For what
it's worth, the petitioner was a used-car dealer.{fn8} And there's
also People v. Arno, where the first letters of each sentence in a
footnote spell out "schmuck" (apparently referring to the dissent).
Harsh.
Just as we can't get much joy when a court uses "schmuck" to
refer to a person named Schmuck, we also aren't very excited when
it uses "kosher" to describe a deli or a piece of chicken. That
"kosher" appears over 800 times in LEXIS is therefore not
particularly impressive.
But it's clear that "kosher" is used figuratively in quite a
few cases, from United States v. Erwin's insistence that the law
"tell the felon point blank that weapons are not kosher" to Texas
Pig Stands, Inc. v. Hard Rock Cafe International, Inc., which
concludes that "though not entirely kosher, Hard Rock's actions
were not . . . swinish." Pig Stands is somewhat atypical, though, as
its reference to "kosher" is just one in a series of pork jokes.
Yiddish has also begun to appear in defamation cases. A 1972
New York case concluded that calling the food at a restaurant
"ground-up schmutz" wasn't actionable because it was only opinion.
An Arizona court recently held the same about calling a
building development a "cockamamie idea," as did an Illinois court
about calling a business a "schlock operation." The Illinois trial
court consulted as a reference Leo Rosten's The Joys of Yiddish; it
also reviewed the case law of New York, California, Illinois, and
Florida (and why not Georgia?) to see if the word "schlock" had
ever been the subject of a libel action.
Like many other historical inquiries, etymological questions
often have no clear, unambiguous answer. Is "kosher," for
instance, even a Yiddishism at all? Was it borrowed from Hebrew
via Yiddish, or directly from Hebrew? "Put the kibosh on" can be
found in two cases, but while some authorities (including our ears)
claim it's Yiddish, the better view seems to be that it's not.
"Brouhaha" has been used in more than 80 cases, but it's
unclear whether it is in fact Yiddish. "Glitch" appears in over
130 cases, but it might have been borrowed either from Yiddish or
German (a difficult question, since the languages are so similar).
Moreover, perhaps because it's been in general use in engineering
lingo for decades, it may now be no more a Yiddishism than "robot"
is a Czechism. Finally, "cockamamie" is unknown in European
Yiddish, and has developed entirely in America--is it a Yiddishism,
or an Americanism that happened to originate with American Jews?
The spread of legal Yiddish is often inadvertent; for every
case that self-consciously cites Leo Rosten, there are ten where a
word seems to be used just because it's the right word. One of the
authors of this very Essay has--entirely unwittingly--done this:
the dissent from denial of rehearing en banc in White v. Samsung
Electronics America, Inc. contains the only use of the word
"schtick" in a reported case. (As it happens, the law clerk who
put it in was Irish Catholic.) And it was only by accident that
the authors learned of the novelty of this feat; a friend wrote to
say he was surprised to see the word in a published opinion.
What's so surprising? How else would you say it?
Where all this will go from here is hard to say. "Chutzpah"
is firmly ensconced, and, we're happy to say, usually spelled
right. Ch's are always better than mere H's, and the h at the end
gives it just the right touch. "Kosher," "kibitz," and maybe
"maven" and "klutz" are looking good. The "sch" words are iffier,
but we think they've got a future. Others, like "nudnik" and
"meshugge," haven't made a dent, though they deserve better.
We return then to the beginning, to chutzpah. The most famous
definition of "chutzpah" is, of course, itself law-themed: chutzpah
is when a man kills both his parents and begs the court for mercy
because he's an orphan.
But there's another legal chutzpah story.
A man goes to a lawyer and asks: "How much do you charge for legal advice?"
"A thousand dollars for three questions."
"Wow! Isn't that kind of expensive?"
"Yes, it is. What's your third question?"
Chutzpah.
{fn1} Day-old bagels are rather hard, but right-thinking people do
not eat day-olds, even when they are only 10 cents each.
{fn2} The earliest reported case we've found that uses a Yiddish
word (other than in a name or a literal quote) is In re Kladneve's
Estate (N.Y. 1929), which describes Kladneve as "what is called in
Yiddish a 'schmorer.'" This is a puzzle. To the best of our
knowledge, there's no such Yiddish word, and "schnorrer"--the
closest word that might fit--means "moocher," which doesn't make a
lot of sense in context, and also isn't a very nice thing to say
about the recently departed. We know of no other cases before the
1970's except Robison v. Robison (Utah 1964); Zannone v. Polino
(N.Y. 1956); and In re Bodus' Will (Wis. 1949), all involving
kibitzers.
{fn3} Zannone v. Polino (N.Y. 1956), is a case with a moral, a
case of kibitzing at a card game turning into a knife fight and a
lawsuit. Boys and girls, take note!
{fn4} See also Klopp v. Wackenhut Corp. (N.M. 1992) (quoting one
of the parties as contending "it had no duty to design the security
station 'for klutzes and total idiots'").
{fn5} Woody Allen's characters have always struck us more as
nebbishes than schlemiels. "A [schlemiel] is always knocking
things off a table; the [nebbish] always picks them up." LEO
ROSTEN, THE JOYS OF YIDDISH 349 (1968).
{fn6} MCG Dev. Corp. v. Bick Realty Co. (Ga. 1977). The opinion
starts with, "The right to amend is as broad as the Atlantic Ocean
and as saving as the power of salvation," a nifty line, even if
mere English. Georgia also brings us "tsoriss," Banks v. State,
(Ga. 1974) (describing "appellant's tsoriss"), "shammes," State v.
Koon (Ga. 1975), and "gut gezacht" (Ga. 1976). All four of these
come from Judge Clark, the same one who first used "chutzpah." See
also United States v. Cangiano (2d Cir. 1974) ("schlock"); United
States v. Scott (E.D.Wis. 1991) ("no-goodnik"); United States v.
Mayersohn (E.D.N.Y. 1971) ("tzimmes"); Lerner v. Brin, (Fla. 1992)
("rachmones"); State v. Stephens (Neb. 1991) ("Better the majority
should worry about its umfarshtendenish of Rule 404(2), not
Stephens' chutzpah."); cf. David Margolick, At the Bar, N.Y. TIMES,
June 26, 1992, at B8 (motion using the word "dreck" arouses judge's
ire).
{fn7} The same happens to be true of "putz" and of "mensch." We'd
much rather be named "mensch" than "schmuck." Oddly, though, a
search for NAME (SCHMUCK) found 59 cases and NAME (MENSCH) found
only 43 cases. Perhaps this is because there are more schmucks
than mensches in the world; but wouldn't the real schmucks change
their names so as to better fool people, and real mensches change
theirs out of modesty? Besides, the true schmuck-mensch ratio is
much higher than 59 to 43.
{fn8} Another little surprise: searching for "goy" revealed dozens
of people named "Goy." How come? Why would a Jew be named Goy?
And why would a goy call himself a goy? Cf. Gentile v. State Bar
(U.S. Sup. Ct. 1991). Go figure.
-- Eugene Volokh, UCLA Law
Comments
Let's Sing a Lieberman Song
(To the Tune "If You're Happy and You Know It Clap Your Hands")
If you're Hebrew and you know it clap your hands
If you're Hebrew and you know it clap your hands
'Cus the man from Tennessee picked a Jew to be VP
If you're Hebrew and you know it clap your hands
If you're Hebrew and you know it stomp your feet
If you're Hebrew and you know it stomp your feet
'Cus we're getting four more years
Plus a bagel and a schmear
If you're Hebrew and you know it stomp your feet
If you're Hebrew and you know it raise your fists
'Cus Hillary really made us pissed
But we're not angry anymore
Thanks to Lieberman and Gore
If you're Hebrew and you know it raise your fists
Now if Bush and Cheney make you say, "Oy, vey"
Then just remember on Election Day
To get out the vote for Al
and his little Jewish pal
And then maybe we will finally have a say
Comments
Liberal Congregations
Three reform Jews were discussing who had the most liberal
congregation
The first boasts "We just hired a woman Rabbi"
The second responds "That's nothing, our Rabbi is Gay"
The third says "you're not even close, we have an ad in the
classifieds for a black lesbian Rabbi, and we don't even mind
if she's not Jewish!!"
Comments
Lieberman as Vice President??
Now that Senator Joseph Lieberman has been selected as Al Gore's
running mates, we thought it would be interesting to consider the
possible scenarios if an Orthodox Jew should ever make it to the
White House...
State of The Union Address would end with a UJA appeal.
Air Force One grounded on Shabbos and Yom Tovim, and seats reconfigured
to allow space for minyanim.
Young Israel of Pennsylvania Avenue due to open across the street.
Supreme Court justice's robes to be routinely checked for shatnez.
Mohel appointed Surgeon General.
Traditional Easter Egg Hunt on White House lawn replaced by bedikas
chometz.
Israeli diplomats visiting White House for State dinners will have to
pre-order treif meals, or risk having to eat glatt kosher with
everyone else.
First Lady's inaugural gown to be ordered with matching snood.
National Prayer breakfast to conclude with Daf Yomi Shiyur.
Secret Service to confer with local Orthodox Rabbis to discuss
feasibility of enclosing the White House and Capitol in an eruv.
Comments
Jewish View on When Life Begins
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life
begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a
viable human being until after graduation from medical school
Comments
List of the Ten Commandments
A Hebrew School student was asked to list the
Ten Commandments in any order.
He wrote, "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Comments
Jewish Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is a light bulb?
A: One, but it must have The Rebbe's supervision.
A: None. Only goyim do such things.
A: We don't wan't that. We wan't Moshiach's light.
Q: How many Orthodox Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Change?
A: One to do it and two [minimum] to testify that it was properly changed.
A: We are not going to change anything unless the Halacha [jewish law] approves it.
Q: How many Conservative Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, call a committee meeting.
Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, anyone can change it whenever they want to.
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.
Q: How many Reform Jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: We don't wan't to change it! We just wan't to improve it.
Q: How many Reconstructionist Rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Four. One to wish they were doing what the Orthodox rabbi does, one
to wish they were doing what the Reform rabbi does, one to wish
they were doing what the Renewal rabbi does, and one eventually
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Reconstructionist jews does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to formulate a blessing to change the bulb and the other to change
the bulb
Q. How many Lubabavitchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, it never died.
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
the first one.
Q: How many congregants does it take to change a light bulb
in a synagogue?
A: CHANGE? You vant we should CHANGE the light bulb? My
grandmother donated that light bulb!!!
Q: How many Lubavitchers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Rambam teaches that he who does not know from outside the book,
may not know at all. And since we mostly just study in
Yeshiva, we may not know how exactly to change a lightbulb.
Then again, we may, as it is surely written in the Bible.
Surely then, if we spend a week studying the problem, we will
find the answer. Or, Shabbes will come, and the Shabbes Goy
will change it for us. Problem solved.
Q: How many rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a
Talmudic reference to light bulb.
Q: How many Jewish Renewal rabbis does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: It depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to
be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a
man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb.
Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness
practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm
shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Light
Bulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study
the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then
lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
Q:How many Shlomo hassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Gehvalt, it's mamash such a great opportunity to do t'shuvah. So
it takes everyone there to get real close, sing a niggun,
listen to an Ishbitzer teaching, tell a Levi Yitzchak story,
and change the bulb at 2 in the morning.
Q: How many Jews does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 30. One to change the bulb & 29 to discuss it and give
contradictory advice to the person changing the bulb.
Q: How many Messianic "jews" does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They will borrow their neighbor's old bulb, rename it
"yeshuvalit" and try to convince everyone else that it's really a
new bulb.
Q: How many cantors does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One. But the congregation will not like the change.
A: One, but you cannot change it unless it is according to the synagogue's minhag.
A: Don't feel bad, but I feel it's time to change it.
Q: How many religious jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: Maybe none, because Moshiach [the Messiah] may arrive before we change it
and then we will not need to change it.
Q: How many secular jews does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: My grandmother, who lived in a Shtetl changed lightbulbs.
Today, we call electricians to do it.
Q: How many judaica sellers does it take to change a lighbulb?
A: One, but it must be one of our new "Judaic Lightbulbs".
Comments
Look Jewish
A little old Jewish lady gets on a bus and sits next to a young
man. She looks at him for a few minutes and then asks "Young man,
are you Jewish?. He replied "No lady, I am not Jewish."
A while longer after continuing to look at him she again asks "Are
you Jewish?" And again the man replied "No lady, I am not Jewish".
A while longer, she again stared at him and again asked " Are you
sure that you're not Jewish?".
The man was getting frustrated with the lady and this time to appease
her , he said "Yes, lady, I am Jewish!!".
Then she replied "It's funny, you don't look Jewish!!"
Comments
Lost Bubbe
A Bubbe took her grandson shopping.
The department store was very crowded
and the Bubbe and the grandson were separated.
The little boy started to cry.
A saleswomen came over to the child and asked,
"Why are you crying, little boy?"
"I lost my Bubbe," he said.
She took him to the department store office.
"What's your name, little boy?" they asked.
He answered, "Shayna punum, puh puh puh."
Comments
The Lottery
There was this Jew who prayed daily to win the lottery. "G-d," he'd
say, "please let me win the lottery. Please Please let me win the
lottery."
About ten years of this passed, and our Jew, still praying every day,
was getting a mite exasperated.
Finally he said, "G-d, why haven't I won the lottery? I've prayed
every day for ten years and I haven't won the lottery."
"Irving," a voice boomed, "at least meet me half way and purchase a
lottery ticket."
Comments
Tradition???
Every time a new Pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and
ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition.
Well there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly
after the new Pope is enthroned, the Chief Rabbi seeks an audience. He
is shown into the Pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a
silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an
ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The Pope symbolically stretches
out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The Chief Rabbi then retires,
taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next Pope is
elected.
John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to
him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but
they came up with nothing. When the time came and the Chief Rabbi was
shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but,
as the Chief Rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother,"
the Holy Father whispered, "I must confess that we catholics are
ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between
us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you,
what is it all about?" The Chief Rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have
no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the
mists of ancient history." The Pope said: "Let us retire to my private
chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement,
we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The Chief
Rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the
curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the Chief Rabbi
reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper.
As the Pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both
gasped with shock. It was the check for the Last Supper
Comments
Immigrant Success Stories
In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As
so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials
at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official
records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold,
and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them
had done.
Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry
store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there
are Diamond Jewelers all over the country.
Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea.
Gold? So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop
succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread. Now, I'm a
millionaire.
Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started
a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I
started another, but it also failed. My family, they were
starving. So what could I do but pray to Hashem. "Oh, Lord,"
I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise
to give you 50 percent of the profits."
Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work?
Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?
Comments
Lying
The shul Rav told his congregation, "Next Shabbos I plan to speak about
lying. To help everyone better understand my drash please read all
66 verses on the story of Lavon in Genesis chapter 33.
The following Shabbos, as the Rav prepared to give his drash he asked
for a show of hands from his congregation on how many members had read
all 66 verses of Genesis 33. Almost ever hand went up. He smiled and
said, Genesis Chapter 33 has only fifty four verses. Now let us with
the discussion on the sin of lying."
Comments
Martha Stewart Does Jewish Food
Latkes
A pancake-like structure not to be confused with anything the House of
Pancakes would put out. In a latka, the oil is in the pancake. It is made
with potatoes, onions, eggs and matzo meal. Latkas can be eatenwith apple
sauce but NEVER with maple syrup. There is a rumor that in the time of the
Maccabees they lit a latka by mistake and it burned for eight days. What is
certain is you will have heart burn for the same amount of time.
Matzoh
The Egyptians' revenge for leaving slavery. It consists of a simple mix
of flour and water - no eggs or flavor at all. When made well, it could
actually taste like cardboard. Its redeeming value is that it does fill you
up and stays with you for a long time. However, it is recommended that you
eat a few prunes soon after.
Kasha Varnishkes
One of the little-known delicacies which is even more difficult to
pronounce than to cook. It has nothing to do with Varnish, but is basically
a mixture of buckwheat and bow-tie macaroni (noodles). Why a bow-tie? Many
sages discussed this and agreed that some Jewish mother decided that "You
can't come to the table without a tie" or, God forbid "An elbow on my table?"
Blintzes
Not to be confused with the German war machine. Can you imagine the N.J.
Post 1939 headlines: "Germans drop tons of cheese and blueberry blintzes
over Poland - shortage of sour cream expected." Basically this is the
Jewish answer to crepe Suzette.
Kishka
You know from Haggis? Well, this ain't it . In the old days they would
take an intestine and stuff it . Today we use parchment paper or plastic.
And what do you stuff it with? Carrots, celery, onions, flour, and spices.
But the trick is not to cook it alone but to add it to the cholent (see
below) and let it cook for 24 hours until there is no chance whatsoever
that there is any nutritional value left.
Kreplach
It sounds worse than it tastes. There is a Rabbinical debate on its origins:
One Rabbi claims it began when a fortune cookie fell into his chicken soup.
The other claims it started in an Italian restaurant. Either way it can be
soft, hard, or soggy and the amount of meat inside depends on whether it is
your mother or your mother-in-law who cooked it.
Cholent
This combination of noxious gases had been the secret weapon of Jews for
centuries. The unique combination of beans, barley, potatoes, and bones or
meat is meant to stick to your ribs and anything else it comes into contact
with. At a fancy Mexican restaurant (kosher of course) I once heard this
comment from a youngster who had just had his first taste of Mexican fried
beans: "What! Do they serve leftover cholent here too?!" My wife once tried
something unusual for guests: She made cholent burgers for Sunday night
supper. The guests never came back.
Gefilte Fish
A few years ago, I had problems with my filter in my fish pond and a few
of them got rather stuck and mangled. My son (5 years old) looked at them
and commented "Is that why we call it 'Ge Filtered Fish'?" Originally, it
was a carp stuffed with a minced fish and vegetable mixture. Today it
usually comprises of small fish balls eaten with horse radish ("chrain")
which is judged on its relative strength in bringing tears to your eyes at
100 paces.
Bagels
How can we finish without the quintessential Jewish Food, the bagel?
Like most foods, there are legends surrounding the bagel although I don't
know any. There have been persistent rumors that the inventors of the bagel
were the Norwegians who couldn't get anyone to buy smoked lox. Think about
it: Can you picture yourself eating lox on white bread? Rye? A cracker?
Naaa. They looked for something hard and almost indigestible which could
take the spread of cream cheese and which doesn't take up too much room on
the plate. And why the hole? The truth is that many philosophers believe
the hole is the essence and the dough is only there for emphasis.
Comments
The Jewish Macarena
(Or, You Lead, But I Won't Follow)
The Reconstructionist Macarena:
The dance has been completely re-choreographed, but they still
use the music so we know it's the Macarena.
The Reform Macarena:
The traditional dance is on the books, but each row of dancers is
free to interpret the music and determine what steps will be danced
and how (Modern Reform has opted to retain the wiggle, but not the
Classical Reform). Of course, they all start dancing at least four
bars into the song, and usually end the dance early.
The Conservative Macarena:
All aspects of the traditional Macarena are retained, but there
is mixed dancing. Most women cover their heads with their hands, but
some place the hands at the back of the head as a token gesture, just
to show they know the head is supposed to be covered during that step.
In some progressive, egalitarian Conservative circles, the women lead.
The Orthodox Macarena:
All dancers pay strict attention to all details and never miss a
step, but tend to rush through the dance using their own rhythms. They
will not cross themselves by placing their hands across their
stomachs, and so have ruled a heter to replace that step with a few
bars of shuckling. As a "fence" to prevent any step from being missed,
the song is played twice and the dance repeated. Rules of mechitazah
are strictly maintained, so the wiggle has lost some of its "umph".
Comments
The Arrival of Mashiach
To All of 'Us' From One of 'Them'
'Twas the night of the geulah,
and in every single shteibel,
sounds of Torah could be heard
coming from every kind of Yeidel.
This one in English,
some in Hebrew, some in Yiddish,
some saying pshat,
and some saying a chiddush.
And up in shamayim
The Aibishter decreed,
"The time has now come
for My children to be freed.
Rouse the Mashiach
from his Heavenly th,
have him get his chariot
and head down to Earth."
The Mashiach got dressed,
and with a heart full of glee
went down to the Earth, and entered
the first shteibel he did see.
"I'm the Mashiach,
Hashem has heard your plea,
our geulah has come,
it is time to go free!"
They all looked up
from their learning,
this was quite a surprise.
And they looked at him carefully
with piercing sharp eyes.
He's not the Mashiach!"
said one with a grin.
"Just look at his hat,
at the pinches and brim!"
"That's right!" cried another
with a grimace and a frown,
"Whoever heard of Mashiach
with a brim that is down?!"
"Well," thought Mashiach,
"If that is the rule,
I'll turn my brim up
before I got to the next shul!"
So he walked on right over
to the next shul in town,
confident to be accepted
since his brim was no longer down.
"I'm the Mashiach!" he cried
as he began to enter.
But the Jews there wanted to know first,
if he was left, right or center.
"Your clothes are so black!:
they cried out in a fright.
"You can't be Mashiach--
you're much too far right!
If you want to be Mashiach,
you must be properly outfitted."
So they replaced his black hat
with a kipa that was knitted.
Wearing his new kipa,
Mashiach went out and he said,
"No difference to me
what I wear on my head."
So he went to the next shul,
for his mission was dear.
But he was getting a bit frustrated
with the Yidden down here.
"I'm the Mashiach!" he cried,
and they all stopped to stare.
And a completed eerie stillness
filled up the air.
"You're the Mashiach?!"
Just imagine that.
Whoever heard of Mashiach
without a black hat?!"
But I do have a hat!"
the Mashiach then said.
So he pulled it right out
and plunked it down on his head.
Then the shul started laughing,
and one said, "Where's your kop?
You can't have Mashiach
wit a brim that is up!
IF you want to be Mashiach
and be accepted in this town,
put some pinches in your hat,
and turn that brim down!"
Mashiach walked out and said,
"I guess my time hasn't really come,
I'll just have to return
to where I came from."
So he went to his chariot,
but as he began to enter,
all sorts of Jews appeared
from the left, right, and center.
"Please wait, do not leave,
it's all their fault!" they said.
And they pointed to each other,
and to what was on each other's head.
Mashiach just looked sad,
and said, "YOU don't understand."
And then started up his chariot
to get out of this land.
"Yes, it's very wonderful,
that all of you learn Torah.
But you seem to have forgotten,
a crucial part of our mesorah."
"What does he mean?
What's he talking about?"
And they all looked bewildered,
and all began to shout.
Mashiach looked back and answered,
"The first place to start,
is to shut up your mouths,
and open up your heart.
To each of you, certain Yidden
seem too frum or too frei,
but all Yidden are beloved,
in the Aisbishter's eye."
And on his way up he shouted,
"IF you want me to come,
try working a little harder
on some ahavas chinam."
CYZF Toronto 1992. This may be freely reproduced an distributed under
the following conditions:
1) That it is reproduced exactly as it appears here, including the heading,
all 30 stanzas, and this note;
2) it is distributed free of charge;
3) it is not used by any organization for promotional purposes. Any
breach of these conditions shall constitute gezel and a breach of
copyright.
Comments
Magical Rabbi
Three women are bragging about their Rabbis. The first one says: My
Rabbi is so great that G*d listens to him immediately. Last Shabbes, a
small fire broke out in the ark. My Rabbi lifted his arms heavenwards,
and yelled OYSS FIRE!- out with the fire. The flames immediately went
out.
The second lady bragged that her Rabbi was just as great: Last Shabbes
the sprinklers suddenly opened up during services. Everyone would have
gotten soaked, and the sefer Torah ruined. My Rabbi lifted his arms
heavenwards, and yelled OYSS SPRINKLER!- off with the sprinkler. The
sprinklers mmediately shut off.
The third woman laughed: Your Rabbis are nothing compared to mine. Last
Shabbes, during Kedusha, the driver of an armoured car carrying money
from the bank lost control, and crashed through the wall of our shul.
Thank G*d no one was hurt, but bags of money spilled everywhere. My
Rabbi lifted his arms heavenwards, and yelled OYSS SHABBES and it was
Tuesday!!
Comments
Mammeleh Goose
Nursery Rhymes For Jews
Mashie has a little mind
Little mind, little mind
When it comes to Mashie's mind
There's little she need know
Teach her how to cook and clean
Cook and clean, cook and clean
Teach her how to cook and clean
And watch her children grow
Baa, baa, black hat
Have you any gelt
Yessir, yessir
I've a money belt
Some for my family
And some for the poor
But none for the tax man who knocks at my door
Hey-diddle-diddle
There stands a Yid'l
Sanctifying the moon
Tomorrow he'll shiver
Kneel down by the river
And dip in two plates and a spoon
Little Moshe Yoel
Sat in a kollel
Learning his Pe'ah and Demai
His wife works all day
While he shteigs away
And thinks, What a smart boy am I
Halivni-Weissni sat on a wall
Couldn't decide on which side to fall
All the frum soldiers in Tziv'os Hashem
Couldn't convince him to be one of them
Rabbi Plott would eat what's glatt
His wife ate Triangle-K
Their kids did not know what to eat
And so they ran away
Three tiny bugs
Three tiny bugs
See how they run
See how they run
They live in lettuce and broccoli
In cauliflower they hide from me
My microscope makes them clear to see
The three tiny bugs
Three tiny bugs
Sing a song of past tense
Of Jewish days gone by
When we lived in Europe
Nobody was frei
When the ghettoes opened
Off maskilim ran
But the shtetl always stayed
A Torah wonderland
Everyone knew Torah
Loved it more than money
No one had to work in that
Land of Milk and Honey
And though we're now in Golus
In an Age that's Dark
We'll try to rebuild Poland
Here in Borough Park
Little Miss Alpert
Sat in an airport
That was her first shidduch date
She thought the guy wore a very nice tie
The chasenoh is Sunday at eight
Comments
Divine Defendant
[March 15, 1999] Sometimes you wonder exactly how ridiculous a lawsuit
has to be before a judge will throw it out. Here's one that meets that
criteria: A Pennsylvania man brought suit against G-d for having
allowed his life to be ruined. He demanded, among other things, the
ability to play the guitar, and the resurrection of his mother and pet
pigeon. He insisted that if G-d doesn't appear in His own defense, the
judge should rule against Him by default; and he named, as
co-defendants, every American citizen.
Fortunately, the judge declared us all legally off the hook.
Comments
Man!
by Michael Turniansky
[based on Exodus Ch. 16]
(to the tune of "Mame")
NOTE: The Hebrew word for "Manna" is "Man"
What falls down from the heavens at night? Man!
What is this food all shiny and white? Man!
What is this stuff we're eatin'?
Gosh, it can't be beaten for the taste!
If you eat less than your
omerful then it will go to waste.
What rains down twice as much on day six? Man!
So on Shabbat we're not in a fix? Man!
This food's so appetizing,
And what's more surprising, it is fun!
Whatever's left ungathered,
melts away in the midday sun.
What is this truly marvelous stuff? Man!
We just can't seem to gather enough -- Man!
It truly is a great big nes!
It doesn't even make a mess!
The greatest food, we all confess -- Man!
Comments
Marrying into a Jewish Family
from Jewish As a Second Language by Molly Katz
If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there
are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if
you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:
1. There are no Jews living in
a. sin
b. El Paso
c. trailer parks
2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
a. do windows
b. make latkes
c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings
3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
a. gentle
b. housebroken
c. stuffed
4. Jews spend their vacations:
a. sightseeing
b. sunbathing
c. discussing where they spent their last vacation
and where they'll spend the next
5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
a. up on the newest styles
b. entitled to free haircuts
c. not Jewish
6. Wilderness means
a. no running water
b. no electricity
c. no hot and sour soup
7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
a. jogging
b. tennis
c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments
8. Jews never drive
a. unsafely
b. on Saturdays
c. eighteen wheelers
9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
a. Easter lilies
b. a crucifix
c. a Zippo lighter
10. A Jewish skydiver is
a. careful
b. insured
c. an apparition
11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
a. become a prostitute
b. deface a synagogue
c. remove the back of a TV set
12. Jews never sing
a. off-key
b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
c. around a piano bar
13. Jews are ambivalent about
a. vegetarianism
b. Jesse Jackson
c. absolutely nothing
Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer,
2 for each "b",
3 for each"c".
39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied
your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness
plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida
or New York. They'll adore you.
29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to
do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're
used to.
17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce
and buying a Denny's franchise.
Comments
Jews on Mars
In a stunning development, we have learned that there is life on Mars but
not the kind that had been anticipated.
The first indication, based on the current U.S. space mission, came when
the small roving vehicle called Sojourner spotted a sign on the rocky
terrain of Red Planet that read, "Welcome To Chabad House -- Bring Moshiach
Now." The sign, in English, thrilled and confused NASA scientists back in
Houston, who had no idea what it meant.
Only after thorough research did they learn that it revealed the presence
of a dedicated and particularly hearty group of Lubavitch Chasidim, known
for their tireless efforts to reach Jews in the most remote regions,
urging them to perform mitzvot.
"We've been here for some time now doing our work," said a cheerful
Rabbi Lou Steinwalker, captain of the spaceship "Enterprise 770", in an
exclusive phone interview. When asked how long he had been on Mars and how
he got there, he said only, "where there's a will, there's a way." He then
excused himself, explaining that it was time for prayer and he was looking
for a minyan. In a subsequent phone call, the Rabbi noted that in recent
days another synagogue has been formed on Mars -- a reform congregation
that he would not set foot in.
Following up on that information, we contacted Rabbi Uri Negev, a Reform
leader in Israel, who said that when he had met secretly with the chief
rabbis of Israel in Jerusalem recently, they told him that if Reform
Jews wanted to pray in peace, they should go to Mars. "So we did," said
Rabbi Negev, "and no one has bothered us, except the local Conservative
congregation that keeps trying to borrow our membership list."
A Conservative congregation on Mars? Yes, it is true, acknowledged a
leader of the Jewish Theological Seminary. "We discovered that blending
Jewish law and modernity just doesn't work on earth, and we're always
looking for new venues," explained Rabbi Ismore Sources. The rabbi
complained bitterly of financial competition from the United Jewish
Appeal-Interplanetary Division, which has been scouring Mars via satellite
in search of potential donors.
Stephen Solomon, the chief executive of the charity acknowledged that
highly motivated fund-raisers have been active throughout the galaxy for
several light years. "We've determined through a Strategic Planet Plan
that our most compelling marketing strategy is rescue," he said.
"The trouble is we haven't found anyone out there to save!"
That's been a problem, as well, for Abraham Loxsmith of the Anti-Defamation
League. "We are prepared to open a major branch on Mars, and we've already
ordered the press releases and fax papers. But, so far, no one has defamed
us." Loxsmith is considering whether the lack of defamation may be due to a
form of active, even hostile, disinterest in Jews that qualifies as
anti-Semitism.
All this sudden interest among Jews about Mars has motivated Malcolm
Phoneline to form a new umbrella group, the Conference of Presidents of
Major Martian Jewish Organizations (CPMMJO). He said the group has
already received several calls from anonymous rabbis inquiring as to
whether there were any Pell grants available on Mars.
Meanwhile, a number of kosher-for-Passover tours have scouted out the Red
Planet as a unique alternative to places like Palm Srings and Hawaii for
Jaded holiday vacationers. One tour operator noted that Rabbi Orson Vells
has already been hired to conduct and broadcast the communal seders, to be
called "The War Of The Words," and that space stations are under construction
to transport large supplies of oxygen, horseradish and shmura matzah for the
eight-day festival. "It will be out of this world," the travel expert said,
"and, I assure you, very tastefully done."
Tourism might be effected adversely, though, by a late report that
Palestinian authorities are claiming entitlement to 92 percent of Mars,
asserting that Arab ties to the planet can be traced back to the Koran.
Comments
Martians
An old man was digging in his garden when he saw a
strange-looking creature in the dirt. He picked it up on his
shovel so he could see it more clearly. It was a tiny little
man.
Astonished, the old man blurts out, "Who the hell are you?"
"I'm a Martian," said the little guy.
"Oh." The old man thought that over and then he said, "Are
all Martians as small as you."
"Sure," said the Martian, "actually, I'm considered rather
tall."
Then the old man asked, "What's that on your head?"
"Those are my antennae."
"Do all Martians have antennae?"
"Oh, yes," said the Martian, "we all have antennae."
"But what's that on your antennae?"
"That," said the Martian proudly, "is my hat."
Well, that's different. "Do all Martians wear hats?" asked
the old man.
"Oh, no," said the Martian, "only the Orthodox."
Comments
Shrewdie
A very angry math teacher entered class:
"Ivan, name me a two-digit number."
"56."
"Why not 65?! Sit down, you have a D-. Peter, name me a two-digit number."
"18."
"Why not 81? D- for you, too. Abram, name me a two-digit number."
"33."
"Why not.... Abram! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!"
Comments
Yet More Differences Between the "Sects" of Judaism
A priest has no money to pay the cabbie, who is Jewish,
so he gives him his medallion.
Cabbie goes to Orthodox Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a
b'rucha over my medallion"
Orthodox Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Conservative Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a
b'rucha over my medallion"
Conservative Rabbi: "What's a medallion?"
Cabbie to Reform Rabbi: "Rabbi, please make a
b'rucha over my medallion"
Reform Rabbi: "What's a b'rucha?"
(For the non-Jews among us, a b'rucha is a blessing)
Comments
Messiah Greeter
from Joseph Telushkin's Jewish
Humor
"In a small Russian shtetl, the community council decides to pay a poor Jew
a ruble a week to sit at the town's entrance and be
the first to greet the Messiah when he arrives.
The man's brother comes to see him, and is puzzled why he took such a
low-paying job.
"It's truth," the poor man responds, "the pay is low. But it's a steady
job." "
Comments
Mezzuzah Installation
A wealthy, English, Jewish guy buys a fabulous home with over 50 rooms.
He brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted but realizes that
he's forgotten something -- to put mezzuzot on the doors.
He goes out and buys 50 mezzuzot and asks the decorator to place them on
the right hand side of each door apart from bathrooms and kitchens. He's
really worried that the decorator will chip the paintwork or won't put
them up correctly, however, when he comes back a few hours later the job
has been carried out to his entire satisfaction.
He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus. As the decorator is
walking out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy
with the job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were
in the little boxes and left them on the table for you "
Comments
Miami Heat
It was so hot in Miami, Mrs. Goldbaum almost died.
Luckily a life guard opened her mink coat just in
time.
Comments
Miami Jewish Grandparents
An elderly Jewish couple were going out to dinner.
The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband, "Darling,
do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or this St. Johns?"
"Do I care?" he replied.
The woman comes out of the bedroom says to her husband, "Darling,
shall I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?"
"Who gives a damn?" says the husband.
The woman comes out of the bedroom and says to her husband,
"Darling, shall I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 caret round diamond?"
To which her husband responds, "Hey, if you don't get your
act together, and soon, we are going to miss the early bird special.
Comments
Mouse Problem
A Priest , Minister, and Rabbi were having lunch. The
Priest was complaining about a problem he was having
with mice in his Church.
The Minister said he had the same problem and called
professional exterminators to get rid of the mice but
they had no success.
The Rabbi said he once had the same problem but it no
longer is a problem.
"How did you get rid of them?" asked the Priest and the
Minister.
"Simple," said the Rabbi, " I put some cheese on top of
the Dais, and when the mice came to eat the cheese, I
Bar Mitzvah'd them. That was the last time I ever saw them!"
Comments
Mideast Politics and The Western Wall
On the first visit of Mr William Rogers, the US Secretary of State, to
Israel he indicated to Prime Minister Golda Meir that as a religious
man he would like to visit and pray at Judaism's holiest site, the
Western Wall. Recognizing the importance of such a gesture to Israelis,
Golda readily agreed.
As they neared the Wall Mr Rogers asked Golda whether G-d really would
hear his prayers. Golda asked him what he was going to pray for.
Replied Rogers "I will pray for World peace".
"Go ahead" replied Golda pleased at the choice of prayer, "G-d is surely
listening".
After a few minutes of prayer Rogers returned to Golda. "Are you sure G-d
is still listening?" he asked.
"What are you praying for now" asked Golda.
"Now I am praying for peace in the Middle East" replied Rogers.
Obviously pleased with the more focused request, Golda once again
reassured the doubting Mr Rogers that G-d was most definitely hearing
his prayer.
After a few more minutes Rogers again turned to Golda for more reassurance
that his line was still open to Heaven.
"What are you praying for now" asked Golda.
"Now I am praying that the Arabs will soon make peace with Israel" replied
Rogers.
Now, becoming even more enthusiastic with her guest's Heavenly request,
Golda once again convinced Rogers that his prayers were most certainly
reaching straight to their intended destination.
Several more minutes passed and Rogers once again turned to Golda for
further reassurance.
What are you praying for now" asked Golda.
"Now I am praying that Israel will speedily withdraw to the pre-1967
borders in order to placate the Arabs" replied Rogers.
Replied the shocked Golda. "Quit wasting your time, you are just talking
to the wall!"
Comments
Q: What do you call the car pool to the men's mikvah?
A: The Ride of the Baal-keries.
Comments
It's A Miracle!
A certain tzaddik of Lithuania, a chassidic rabbi with a wide reputation
as
a wonder-worker, was in his study when the door burst open and the shammes
rushed in, his eyes alight with holy fervor. "Rabbi! Rabbi!" he shouted,
wildly excited. "A terribly crippled man just came into the synagogue. The
moment he approached the bimah and laid his hand on the Torah he threw his
crutches away! I myself saw the whole thing!"
The rabbi jumped up from his chair and raised his arms heavenward. "It is
indeed a miracle from Heaven!" he cried, his face aglow with spiritual
rapture. "Tell me quickly, where is the man now?"
"He's lying in the aisle," answered the shammes. "The poor man fell on his
tuchus!"
Comments
Religious Positions
A young orthodox couple, about to get married, are consulting with the
Rebbe on the question of marital responsibilities and do's and don'ts. As
they proceed with the discussion, the questions begin to deal with
acceptable positions in which the soon-to-be-newlywed couple may
engage in the ultmate expression of their physical desire for each other.
"Rabbi", asks the young man, "are we allowed to make love in a sitting
position?"
The Rabbi thinks a bit and replies in the affirmative.
"Rabbi" he asks again, "can we make love in the spoon position?"
Again the Rabbi thinks a moment and responds in the affirmative.
The positions are beginning to become more and more complicated, yet in
each case, the Rabbi responds affirmatively. Then, the young man says,
"Rabbi, what about in the standing position. Are we allowed to make love
standing up?"
Without hesitation, the Rabbi says, "Oh no, my children, that is definitely
not allowed!".
"Why?", asks the young man.
"Why? Well, because making love standing up COULD lead to ...
dancing!!"
Comments
We Are the Very Model of A Modern Major Synagogue
by Stan Plunka
(Adapted from Gilbert & Sullivan's THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE)
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue,
Our services are innovative but lean toward the classical,
Our Baal Kriah seldom makes mistakes except for the grammatical,
We are knowledgeable of Maimonides, but rarely get too philosophical
Our dues are very reasonable and are never astronomical.
In fact in matters of the mind (most seriously - not comical)
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We have the finest Tallesim this side of the Galapagos,
Our auditorium so large it can hold a convention of hippopatamos.
We do so many mitzvohs without a hint of contankerous,
We can understand each bit of Rashi & how it can relate to us.
We often sing Adom Olam without trying to be lyrical,
We never say Tehillim at a speed that is incredible.
We have agrounding in Gematria and apply its principals mathematical,
And at Kol Nidre, never failing, we always reach our pinnacle.
In short in Matters unequivocal, ethical and metaphysical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
We can recite the Shulchan Aruch and its chapters catagorial,
We know Judean Kings & their lineage historical,
We plan our renovations without them being so conglomeratus,
And with other shuls consider merging at risking being deleterious.
Our kashrut observance never gets fanatical,
Yet we know the hechshers for eating daily & Sabbatical,
We've kiddushes luxurios and pleasing gastronomical,
With kugels which are potato, lukshen, spinach or vegetable.
No doubt in matters that are animal, vegetable (slash) edible,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our brotherhood's yearly man is never egotistical,
Our sisterhood's noted for dinners delicious and delectable,
And our discussions of Moshiach never reach a realm hysterical
Indeed, in matters which are political, socio and economical,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Our teen minyonim fully comprehends the war of Gog & Magogik,
We have the needed Ganzer Machers none of whom is demagogik.
Undeniably in matters that are mystical, sensible and spiritual,
We are the very model of a modern major synagogue.
Comments
Modern Jewish Wedding
"Now that people are living together before they get
married, the ceremony starts off with 'Mah nishtanah
halilah hazeh.'"
-- Tom Winston
Comments
Noah's Ark - A Modern Tale
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said: "In six months I'm going to make it
rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people
are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind
of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark," said
the Lord.
And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "Six
months, and it starts to rain" thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
And six months passed.
The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah
was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into
the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.
"Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big
problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction
project, and your plans didn't meet Code. So I had to hire an engineer to
redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was
violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was
a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl.
Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before
anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on
the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got
the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without
filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed Flood.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
And the IRS (The tax authorities) has seized all my assets claiming I'm
trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice
from the state about owing some kind of use tax.
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the
sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the
earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.
"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But being Lord of the Universe has its
advantages. I fully intend to smite the Earth, but with something far worse
than a Flood. Something Man invented himself."
"What's that?" asked Noah.
There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke:
"Government."
Comments
The Ten Commandments
by Jim Rosenberg, November 9, 1994
In today's political climate, the formulation of law does not follow a
heavenly model. To illustrate how low we've sunk, here's how the Ten
Commandments might have been developed if the process were governed by
current political rules.
Chief heavenly pollster informs God of alarming findings: His flock
is hungry for moral guidance.
G-d floats a trial balloon, leaking word to key town criers that he is
formulating a comprehensive policy statement on proscribed human
behavior to be called "The Ten Commandments."
Opponents are sharply critical of the plan, asking, "Do you want the
same guy who runs the weather to tell you how to live your life?"
Slipping in the polls, the Deity taps David Gergen, formerly
associated with the Party of Darkness, as "Counsel to the Creator."
Gergen sees "absolutely no problem" with his previous service under
Satan.
"All The Almighty's Men," a scathing insider view of celestial
politics is released, triggering a nose-dive in the Lord's approval
rating.
National Big Heavy Stones Association demands recision of "Thou Shalt
Not Commit Murder" prohibition, claiming it infringes on the protected
Right to Bear Arms and noting that "Rocks Don't Smote People, People
Smote People."
G-d appoints Moses, influential human being person, as his Morality
Spin Doctor. They brainstorm strategy: "What if we chiseled the thing
on a tablet or something, and you come down from a mountain holding it
up above your head looking like Charlton Heston. Would that not be an
awesome Photo Op, or what?"
Pharaoh Cuomo tries to horn into the spotlight, declaring, "The Ten
Commandments do not go far enough." He agonizes publicly over a
possible run at divinity himself, deciding in the end that "the
Pharaohship is where I belong now."
Moses presents the Ten Commandments (now renamed by Gergen "The
Guaranteed Pathway to The Rapture Security Act") as planned in a
dramatic ceremony at the Pearly Gates, featuring a hot "Rock n Roll
Heaven" Band.
Tsenturion Tsongas ridicules the plan, quipping, "I'm not Santa Claus
-- I can't promise you eternal life if you follow ten rules." Tsongas
suggests a $1.00 per grain Sand Tax to pay for the sins of the people.
He is stoned.
The People oppose the plan upon learning of its strict rules,
including a uniform penalty for non-compliance: roasting in the
white-hot flames of hell for eternity. The L-rd backpedals, saying, "I
have never said that all of the Commandments are written in stone. All
I want is righteousness as a whole. If we can approve "No Cussing" this
year, we'll phase in the others over a ten-year period.
"Adulterers of the Euphrates" puts considerable pressure on the King
of Kings through their powerful lobbying group. God agrees to an
amendment stating, "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Unless Thou Art
Bigtime Sorry."
One week before the vote, G-d gets tough, saying to Abraham: "Unless
you vote for the package as proposed, I will take your first-born son."
Abraham responds, "Okay, but you've got to come down to Mesopotamia and
stand next to me on the podium at the Shepherd's of Distinction
luncheon."
A formal vote is held up in Congress, when greedy representatives
saddle the bill with the most useless make-work pork barrel project in
history -- The Pyramids.
Centurion Helms filibusters over failure to add Eleventh Commandment
forbidding man to lie down with man.
G-d goes directly to the people in a "Fireside Chat" -- his head
appears in their fireplaces, surrounded by flames. Ratings are
tremendous.
Gergen advises the L-rd, "You are coming across as too High and
Mighty." The L-rd snaps back at Gergen "I am high and mighty." You
need to loosen up your image. Perhaps you can take up a musical
instrument. See if Gabriel can teach you how to use that horn.
Perot appears on the "King Larry" show to debate. He is humiliated,
causing an upsurge in support for the Ten Commandments, but not
enough to win the votes.
After a flurry of amendments and broad changes in the package as
originally proposed, the bill is passed.
The L-rd signs the bill into law in a ceremony in the Cloud Garden.
As passed, the law contains no commandments, but authorizes new aqueduct
projects in the home districts of five key Centurions.
Comments
Mohel Insurance
Q: You heard about the mohel's liability insurance?
A: A million dollars coverage, with a one inch deductible.
Comments
Honesty in Salesmanship
I'm sure you know the one about the fellow who noticed that his watch had
stopped, just as he passed by a shop window filled with clocks and watches.
So he went inside, introduced himself to the shopkeeper, and asked to have
his watch repaired.
"Sorry," said the shopkeeper, "I don't fix watches."
"Well," said the man, "can you sell me a new one?"
"Sorry,"said the shopkeeper, "I don't sell watches either."
"But your window," said the man. "It's filled with watches. Why do you
display watches if you don't sell or fix them?"
"Listen," said the shopkeeper. "I'm a mohel. What would you have me put in
the window?"
Comments
Truth in Advertising??
A man is walking down the street when he passes a store front with a large
watch in the window. He enters and asks the storekeeper if he could fix his
watch.
"You want I should fix your watch?!" the storekeeper exclaims.
"Yes, aren't you a watchmaker?" asks the man.
"A watchmaker?! No, I'm a mohel!"
"A mohel!" exclaims the man. "If you're a mohel, then why do you have a
watch in your window?"
"What do you want I should put in my window?" says the mohel.
Comments
Jewish Mother Light Bulb Joke
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. "It's okay. I'll sit in the dark"
Comments
The REAL Mother-in-Law
A Jewish town had a shortage of men for wedding purposes, so they had
to import men from other towns. One day a groom-to-be arrived on a
train, and two mother-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him, each
claiming ownership on him.
A rabbi was called to solve the problem. After a few minutes of
thought, he said: "If this is the situation, you both want the groom,
we'll cut him in half and give each one of you half of him."
To this replied one woman: "If that's the case, give him to the other
woman."
The rabbi said: "Do that. The one willing to cut him in half, is the
real mother-in-law!"
Comments
All Planned Out
Mrs. Kaminsky was walking through the mall pushing a stroller with
two little boys in it, when an acquaintance came running over to
see them.
"Oy, how cute!" gushed Mrs. Blum. "How old are they?"
"The doctor is one and the lawyer is two," she replied.
Comments
Like Lot's Wife
The Hebrew school teacher was describing how Lot's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
David interrupted.
"My Mommy looked back once while she was DRIVING," he
announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone
pole!"
Comments
Monika, Oy Monika
(to the tune of "Chanukah, Oh Chanukah")
Monika, Oy Monika (Monica, oh Monica)
A meydl, a sheyne (A pretty girl)
G'arbet in Vashington (Worked in Washington)
Af a shtele, a kleyne (At a minor position (job))
Gelibt zikh mit der prezident (Fell in love with the President)
Fartsaylt ale fraynt (Told all her friends)
Shpringt aroys di sonim (Out sprang the enemies)
Zey plugn im biz haynt (Hounding him, up until today)
Monika. Oy Monika (Monica, oh Monica)
Vos vet zayn der sof (What will be the end?)
Ven djurnalistn, senatorn (When journalists, senators)
Esen der prezident oyf (Are devouring the President)
Zey hobn keyn derekherets (They have no 'derech eretz' (proper
behavior)
Hypocriten tog un nakht (Hypocrites, day and night)
Zey veln nisht uplozn (They will not let go)
Biz zey varfen im arop fun makht (Until they bring him
down from power)
Monika, Oy Monika (Monica, oh Monica)
A yidishe tokhter (A Jewish daughter)
Arayn in geshikhte (Is in the story)
S'is nisht keyn gelakhter (It's not funny)
Efsher kumt ir take 'mazl tov' (Maybe she does deserve a
mazel tov)
Zi iz gevorn aza (She's become such a star)
Ober ven ikh batrakht zikh: (But when I think it over,)
(Close, but no cigar)
Monika, Oy Monika (Monica, oh Monica)
Es shaynt di menoyr (The menorah is lit)
Es dermant mikh ver ikh bin (It reminds me of who I am)
Shtoltz bin ikh mit mayn toyre (I am proud of my Torah)
Ober in dayn shtub (But in your abode)
Ven es shaynt azoy sheyn (When it shines out so beautifully)
Ikh shrek zikh tsu klern (I'm afraid to think)
Vi dos likhtl iz shoyn geveyn (Where that candle has been)
Comments
Getting Through Customs
A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians
and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that
he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.
At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who
glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"
Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre
belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of
Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin.
"What is that" snarled the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?',
You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm
taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that
he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."
"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the
bust into the case. "Go!"
A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was
confronted by an Israeli customs officer.
"Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"
Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer
came upon the bust.
"What is that" said the customs officer.
"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is
that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm
taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering
that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day
for the rest of my life."
"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official,
tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"
At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to
unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and
then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table.
"Who is that?" asked his nephew.
"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is
that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"
Comments
Moses's Chicken
Why did the Moses part the Red Sea
To get to the other side
Comments
Moses's Headache
How do we know that Moses was the first Jew to have a
headache?
What do you really think G-d gave him two tablets for?
Comments
Modern Thoughts on Moses
Salomon, an Israeli teacher, asks Jacob, his student : "Jacob, who
was Moses?"
"Ah! He was a moron!"
"How do you dare talk about a such important prophet that way? "
"Well , if he had turned to the right after Sinai, WE would have
had all the petroleum !!!!"
Comments
Moses's Mom
Why was Moses' Jewish Mother so happy?
She not only had fun in bed, but she made a prophet!
Comments
Moses's Troubles
Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible:
Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the
Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more
irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up.
Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above:
"You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news."
Moses was staggered. The voice continued:
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage.
If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt
with a rain of frogs"
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised
Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a
plague of Locust."
"You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and
safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters
of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land."
Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic.
I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?"
"You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement."
Comments
The Lesson
Then Moshe took the heads of the 12 tribes to his and gathered them
around him, he taught them saying:
These are the Ten Commandments which the Lord taught me on Mt. Sinai:
"I am the Lord your G-d.
Thou shalt have no other gods besides me.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord in vain
Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
Honor your father and your mother
Thou shalt not kill
Thou shalt not steal
Thou shalt not bear false witness.
Thou shalt not covet.
Thou shalt not commit adultery."
And the spokesman for each tribe spoke out promptly:
Then Reuven said, "Do we have to write this down?"
And Shimon said, "Are we supposed to know this?"
And Levi said, "Will this be on the test?"
And Asher said, "Is this for extra credit?"
And Gad said, "I don't have any paper."
And Isachar said, "Do we have to turn this in?"
And Zvulun said, "The Egyptians didn't make us learn this."
And Ephraim said, "Can I go to the boys' room?"
And Menashe said, "What does this have to do with real life?"
(The other heads of the tribes weren't paying attention.)
Then Korach, who was also present asked to see Moshe's Curriculum
Vitae, course syllabus and one of his lesson plans. He then inquired
of Moshe, "Where is your anticipatory set of questions and the
closure?
And that's really why Moshe smashed the Tablet of the Law.
Comments
Messiah Delay Expected - Y2K problem cited
Disappointing news out of Jerusalem today - delay predicted in the coming of
the Messiah. A spokesman for G-d blamed software problems arising from Y2K
bug as the source of the delay.
Recently, Heaven has been preparing for a launch of the Messianic Era. In a
bit of bad luck, the selected time, Tishrei 5761, is also 2000 CE, and
subject to the infamous Y2K problem. "We just didn't realize how pervasive
this problem was" G-d said yesterday. "We thought Y2K was just a Gematriah
thing. Who knew?"
The Y2K bug brought down three of Heaven's main servers and G-d's personal
laptop during a full-up dress rehearsal simulation of the anticipated
Messianic times. Heaven's spokesman would not discuss the servers for
security reasons, but did mention that G-d uses an IBM ThinkPad, running
Microsoft WorldPerfect 7 under Windows NT. Requests for comment from
Microsoft went unanswered. "These computers are really a mixed blessing,"
God said. "I don't like to say it, but you know, 'Darned if you do, darned
if you don't.'"
Heaven is waiting for a software patch from Microsoft to resolve the
problem. The spokesman for Heaven said Microsoft would not promise a date
for the fix. "I can tell you for a fact that Bill Gates is not the
Messiah," G-d commented. "But as of now, he's the only one who can bring
him."
For more continuing coverage of the issue, check out the website:
www.messiah.come
About the Software, WorldPerfect 7: Many people are surprised to hear Heaven
falling prey to the Y2K problem, but far more of them are surprised to hear
that computers are even relevant "upstairs." Years ago Heaven converted from
standard paper-based systems to computers. The following are excepts from a
recent interview with G-d on this topic: "We had our first machine years
ago. The hardware was big and the programs slow, but we could see that World
Processing was the way to go."In the olden days, you only had to track 613
mitzvot per Jew. No big deal. Now with all those Rabbinical decrees,
minhagim, chumrahs,etc., you really need the computer. "Our first piece of
software was the spreadsheet, MitzvaCalc - you know, for the Das operating
system. But now of course we're much more sophisticated. We use the fully
integrated world processor,WorldPerfect 7.
"Before computers, Rosh Hashanah to Yom Kippur was a nightmare around here -
so much to keep track of. Between all the Teshuvah,Tefillah and Tzedakah,
the "I'm sorry for this and that", it was impossible to keep up. It would
take us till Hoshana Rabbah just to count up all the points and close the
books. Nowadays it all happens in real time. By Motzei Yom Kippur we have a
printout in hand how many live, how many die, who by fire, who by water,
etc. Not a bad system...."
Comments
Moskowitz Nails
Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let
his three sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails).
The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious
billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the
country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Jesus
on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained
that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons
agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw
the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty,
with Jesus crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use
Moskowitz Nails."
Comments
Mt. Sinai Negotiations
The Hebrew people were sitting aroung Mt. Sinai. You could hear only
subdued murmur among them, but you could feel the tension in the air: For
hours now, Moses was on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by the
clouds wafting around its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you
could hear a thunder roling down. In spite of the warm weather this always
caused a shudder among the waiting mass.
The end of day was approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when
suddenly a figure came through the clouds and walked down the steep moutain
side carrying a heavy load. Moses.
He set down his load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it
was hard work and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him, I used
every possible argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was
successful. The good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The
bad news is: Adultery is still in."
Comments
Mummies
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon
a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator
of a prestigious natural-history museum.
"I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart
failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were
right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did
you know?"
"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels
on Goliath'."
Comments
Murphy's Laws for Shul
Film projectors always work before the class meeting begins.
The probability of the Rabbi tripping over the mike cord is greater
on open house Friday nights than any other service.
No matter how many bulletins you print, you'll always need one more.
A member living 15 miles aways will be 15 minutes early; Members
living two blocks will be 15 minutes late.
The shorter the agenda, the longer the business meeting.
Business meetings ALWAYS last at least 15 minutes longer than they
should -- So do some sermons.
Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should
be absent at every meeting.
When you answer the Hebrew School teacher's questiom right, nobody
remembers; when you are wrong, nobody forgets.
The longest Torah readings always come with the longest sermons.
The furnace only fails when the outside temperature is less than
20 degrees below zero. The air conditioner only fails when the
outside temperature is 90 degrees or above.
When the Rabbi misspeaks in a speech, at least half of those taking
notes will write the remark down as an important thought from the
sermon.
Comments
A "Must" Jewish Glossary
AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden
Passover matzo.
ASHKESHNOZZIM n. A nose the shape of Florida and the size of medium potato.
BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your
mother-in law's.
BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of
leftovers even though "I won't be able to eat for a week!".
Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.
BRIS AND TELL n. A detailed description given by parents of their child's
circumcision, generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown
child and those people he would least like to hear the story.
BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave
to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 am so she can change the
baby's diaper.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your
mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISCAHKENTUDE n. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the
bathroom on a neighbor's lawn.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school,
as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid.
(In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's
son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for
diskvellification)
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up
a conversation with everyone she passes.
FLEISHADICK n. A Jewish flasher.
FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
GOYFER n. A gentile messenger.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's
Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE n. Israeli aftershave.
HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining
he/she is observant.
ISROYALTY n. Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF.
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of
a tight spot.
KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers,
in a car that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to
complete a minyan.
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face
and collars after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old
neighbors live in the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate
Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Hebrew National salami.
SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a
vasectomy.
SHIKSABOB n. A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt.
SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is
finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
"The PRINCESS" n. "Daddy will buy it for me" principle.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the
Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has
eaten it.
YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key
phrases include, "trust me", "your secret is safe with me" and "if you
can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though
their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
Comments
Israeli Internet Merger
Netscape and Yahoo are merging. What are they calling it?
Netanyahu
Comments
It's Never Too Late
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to
synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of
faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in
excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years
we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. I'll tell you,
Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90 I expected G-d to take me
any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured
that G-d is very busy and must have forgotten about me ..... and I
don't want to remind Him."
Comments
Never Win!
A Jewish boy has married a shiksa (non-Jewish girl). The
mother gives him two ties as a present. When they next see
each other the boy is using the red one (the other was blue),
and his mother asks: "Why are you wearing the red one. Don't
you like the blue one".
A few weeks lather mother and child meet again. To avoid
confrontation this time he puts both ties, the red one and
the blue one. When the mother sees him, she says: "I always
knew this goy girl will turn my boy mad"
Comments
New Category of Jews
The revolving door Jew:
In on Rosh Hashanah - Out on Yom Kippur
Comments
New Gore-Lieberman Slogan
Lieberman - leading us into the 59th centuary!
Comments
The New IDF
A recent Israeli Supreme Court decision ruled that the deferment presently
available to the Charedi community is no longer valid. In response to this
decision, in an unprecedented show of solidarity, three hundred and fifty
thousand members of the Charedi community gathered in Jerusalem.
In what is now being called a minor slip up, one of the leaders of the rally
inadvertently read the part of the court ruling that repeated the Oath used
to induct soldiers into the army. The entire gathering, assuming it was part
of a new Sephardic tefilla, answered Amen and were duly sworn in as members
of the IDF.
THE NATURE OF THE FORCE
In keeping with the harmonious nature of Israeli politics, the IDF agreed
that there will have to be a few accommodations made to incorporate this new
fighting force into the army. The following is a list of proposed changes.
Reveille:
Because some of the new soldiers are used to davening at a later minyan,
wake up time will need to be changed from 5:00 am until 9:00 am on Mondays
and Thursdays and 9:15 on Sundays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays when
there is no laining. Rosh Chodesh and Yom Tov reveille will be left to the
discretion of the division commanders.
Uniforms:
Black velvet steel reinforced yarmulkas will be standard issue. (White
yarmulkas for Yerushalmis are available but without the tassle.) Chasidic
soldiers will be required to wear olive green bekashas for dress conditions
and camouflage bekashas under battle conditions. Kevlar tzizis are presently
under development and will be made available when the engineers have resolved
how many black stripes are required. Payos protectors are obtainable upon
request and all soldiers will be issued the new light weight Borcelino combat
helmet with flak protecting brim.
Rank:
All new inductees will have the rank of captain. Rebbes with less than
10,000 chasidim will be Majors. Rebbes with more than 20,000 chasidim will
be one star generals. Rebbes with 30,000 chasidim will be two star generals.
Rebbes with 40,000 or more chasicism will be three star generals and get
their own mikvah (a specially adapted humvee with a shvitz and a mikvah).
Only live rebbes will be granted any rank.
Weaponry:
Every soldier will be equipped with an M16 rifle with detachable compartments
for both Rashi and Rabbeinu Tam tefillin. The standard issue gun belt with
three hundred rounds of ammunition and two grenades can also double as a
gartel. No soldier will be allowed his own tank until he passes the test,
which consists of driving through Meah Shearim, stopping for a falafel,
parking near Kikar Shabbat, all without hitting a stroller or the #1 bus.
Nuclear weapons will be available on a first come first served basis.
Training:
Traning will begin every midmorning after the Daf Yomi shiur depending on how
hard the blatt is (members of the Chofetz Chaim division will still not be
required to learn more than two lines a day). Training will consist of the
proper use of military equipment and tactics and will be taught in a mixture
of Yiddish, Hebrew, and Aramaic (commonly referred to as Yeshivish). The
instructors will be highly qualified personnel from Hesder Yeshivos who will
attempt by Talmudic logic to teach the soldiers proper military procedures.
Because most of the inductees never had to take any tests, all exams will be
open book and the instructors will encourage the soldiers to discuss the
questions with their chavrusas and come up with a consensus opinion. After
minchah and an afternoon nap, soldiers will be required to perform twenty
minutes of strenuous exercise consisting of precision shukaling, bais medrash
pacing, and minyan hopping. No smoking will be allowed during exercise periods.
Food:
All provisions will be required to have at least six reliable hechsharim and
the star K. There will be separate kitchens for each different chasidish sect
and every chicken will be walked around the camp and then schechted
simultaneously by a minimim of three different schochtim. All the vegetables
will be checked for bugs by an electron microscope, the milk will be yoshon,
and the bread will be baked by a bas yisroel. Arbos and beer will be
available every Shabbos and the division with the poorest performance record
each week will be required to sponsor a cholent kiddush for the entire camp.
Because most of the provisions are acquired from Sheva Mile Makolet, no
chometz will be available from a week before Purim until after Pesach.
Leave Policy:
All non-married personnel will be entitled to the standard yeshiva leave
policy consisting of two days before the date to prepare, one day for the date,
and one day to recover and be debriefed by his parents. All other soldiers will
have regular leave every sixth Shabbos unless there is a tish that Friday night.
Solders will be entitled to switch their weekend passes upon proof of severe
hardship, or if their in-laws are visiting that Shabbos.
Inspections:
The barracks will be inspected every erev Shabbos and showers are required even
if it is not Rosh Chodesh. A very comprehensive inspection will take place on
the thirteenth of Nisan.
New recruits:
New recruits will be allowed to have their mothers assist in cleaning the
barracks and with the laundry, but soldiers will still be required to field
strip and maintain their own weapons.
Military police:
Once the troops have completed their training a special police force will be
established, preferable from the Gur division. It will be their job to protect
the Friday night cholent pot from marauding troops and to deal with rioting
left-wingers who are protesting the charedi takeover of the army and the closing
of theaters on Shabbos.
Tour of duty:
Soldiers will be expected to complete at least eight Mesechtas with Rashi and
Tosefos and to fire six rounds of ammunition without injuring themselves.
Officer training will require a working knowledge of Yoreh Daya, Choshen
Mishpat, and the F16 Split Wing attack fighter. After active duty soldiers
will have the option to report to the reserves for the two weeks prior to
Pesach for refresher courses. In a further concession to the charedi community,
Chief Justice Barak and the other justices have agreed to take up their Jewish
education where they left off and are now attending third grade at a Chinuch
Atzmoi school.
Moshiach will need an army. Come take your place among the few, the proud,
the all Charedi army!
Comments
New Jewish Dictionary
JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the
Torah at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate
Hannukah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BUBBEGUM n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave
to her own children.
CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the
baby's diaper.
DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your
mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up
a conversation with everyone she passes..
GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's
Bar Mitzvah
JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of
a tight spot.
MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's
face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old
neighbors live in the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHANANA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even
though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person
to complete a minyan.
FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med school or business school as
seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In extreme
cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David, is
majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification)
Comments
New Jewish Title
This was from one of the jewish newsgroups:
Coming from a mixed-persuasion background, I've started thinking of
myself as "unobservant Orthodox." My wife, however, says it's more
accurate for me to proclaim allegiance to Reconformodox Judaism.
Comments
The New Midrash
The Familiar Midrash
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of
the same hill. The first had a family - It came to be that, during
the harvest, the first brother said to himself, "I have a wife, sons,
and daughters to help during the harvest while my brother has no one to
help." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's
farm and leave bags of grain.
Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "I
live by myself whereas my brother has so many mouths to feed." So late
at night, he would sneak over the hill to his brother's farm and leave
bags of grain.
One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the
other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and
hugged and kissed each other. And it is on that hill that the Temple
was built.
The Updated Version
Once there were two brothers, each with a farm on the opposite side of
the same hill. The first had a family - wife, sons, daughters. The
second lived by himself.
It came to be that, during the harvest, the first brother said to
himself, "We have so many mouths to feed whereas my brother has only
but himself." So late at night, he would sneak over the hill to his
brother's farm and take bags of grain.
Now, at about the same time, the second brother said to himself, "My
brother has a wife, sons, and daughters to help during the harvest
while I have no one to help." So late at night, he would sneak over
the hill to his brother's farm and take bags of grain.
One night, they happened to run into each other and each saw what the
other was doing. They instantly realized what was happening, and
yelled at each other and beat each other up.
And it is on that hill that the Knesset was built.
Comments
New Outbreaks of
Indoor Forest Growth Reported
by Jonathan Colan
NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Scientists at the Environmental Protection Agency are
warning citizens about an unexplained outbreak of forest growth in many
homes and businesses.
Dr. Morris Schwartz explains, "We started getting
reports just after Thanksgiving that people were spotting fir trees in
office reception areas and employee lounges where none had been before. Take
this report from Benjamin Kass in Miami Beach, 'One afternoon when I got
back from court, suddenly there's this tree in my law firm's reception area.
My mother would plotz if she saw such a thing inside.' We've got similar
reports coming in from orthodontist offices, accounting firms, and
delicatessens all over New York, Hollywood, and Cherry Hill."
Also troubling are reports that houses in residential areas all over the
country are eerily glowing each night, some in various colors. Said David
Rothberg, of Philadelphia, "Each night on my way home, more and more houses
are giving off a strange series of lights. I hope there hasn't been a
radiation leak or something. My mother is gonna worry sick about me." Dr.
Schwartz has consulted with colleagues at Mount Sinai, Cedars, and Brandies,
but no one has been able to explain these strange phenomena. Dr. Schwartz's
mother, however, suggests that chicken soup and a nice Jewish girl can solve
almost any problem.
Comments
The New Rabbi
The synagogue in Springfield, Illinois had hired a new, young Rabbi,
only recently graduated. The congregation liked him except for this
one problem: his sermons were too long.
One Friday night, at services, in the middle of his usual long,
extended sermons, the congregation was startled to hear the Rabbi say:
"It doesn't bother me much when now and then some of you look at your
watches. But it bothers the heck out of me when I see you put your
watches up to your ears to see if the things are still running!"
Comments
Noah Jokes
What did Noah say as he was loading the Ark?
"Now I herd everything"
Why did the people on the ark think the horses were pessimistic?
They kept saying neigh
What animal could Noah not trust?
The cheetah
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?
Flood lights
Who introduced salted meat to the Navy?
Noah--he took Ham with him on the ark
What did G-d say when Noah told him he wanted to build the
ark out of bricks?
"No, No ah -- go for wood"
Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck
Who was the first canning factory run by?
Noah - he had a boat full of preserved pairs
Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?
No, he came fourth out of the ark
Which animal took the most baggage into the arc?
What animal took the least?
The elephant took his trunk.
But the fox and the rooster took only a brush and comb
between them,
Why weren't there any worms on the arc?
Because worms come in apples not in pairs.
What creatures were not on the arc?
Fish
Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the ark hives.
Who was the best financier in the Bible?
Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in
liquidation.
Where was Noah when the lights went out?
In d'ark.
Why couldn't Noah catch many fish?
He only had two worms.
When is paper money first mentioned in the Bible?
When the dove brought the green back to the ark.
Comments
Noah's Theme Song
"Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Comments
FOUND! LOST DIARIES OF NOAH
At least according to South Africa's "People" magazine dated April 11 to May
1. According to the article the diaries were "found in an ancient ship-like
wreck about 32 kms from Mount Ararat" "immediately below the mountain of Al
Judi, named by the Koran as the final resting place of the Ark" by Professor
Horace Ventor (no origin or organization given) and Dr Vito Fontes "a
leading Italian archaeologist and linguistic expert".
425 b.c. Day One
Dear Diary,
First day at sea. Whew! Just made it under the wire. The animals seem
happy, but the lions and tigers are beginning to become restless, and it was
a bad idea to put the rhinos, hippos and elephants on the starboard side,
and the birds, insects, gerbils and hamsters port. Took some work to
'straighten" that one out, har har. Too tired to talk to God tonight. (Get
Him started about the furies of His judgement, and He just goes on and
on...) So, off to bed...
425 b.c. Day Three
Dear Diary,
Rain has stopped, finally, and there's not a whole lot of land left
to see. Saw a whole village's worth of people, all tied together in a
pitiful attempt to save their own lives through common struggle. Sure glad I
read those books about building my own shelter and surviving the Apocalypse;
now if I can figure out what "canned rations" and "ferroconcrete bunkers"
mean, I'll be in business.
Shem lost his left hand to one of the lions yesterday. God provided
food, all right: a thick, mealy white powder that you could almost eat if
you added a little salt water. The budgies didn't like it, though, and the
koala bears kept yelping for fresh eucalyptus leaves.
425 b.c. Day Seven
Dear Diary,
Time to sweep the decks. No time to write.
425 b.c. Day Seventeen
Dear Diary,
G-d decided to "help" by giving my the power to understand the
animals' speech. Imagine over fifteen thousand married couples, forced to
live in cramped and confined conditions, squabbling over how much yummy
white powder mixed with sea water they get to have. They also whine about
how good they used to have it, on the green earth, eating trees and nuts and
berries and each other. Can't sleep at night.
425 b.c. Day Twenty-Two
Dear Diary,
Got so sick of white powder that we skinned and ate the unicorns.
This caused quite a ruckus in the equestrian section, and morale among the
cows and chickens has sunk to a new low. G-d has helped the situation
somewhat by confusing the thoughts of the higher primates, thus keeping them
from undoing the knots on their cages. Only problem is that they know
they're being kept from thinking, and all I hear are anguished cries of
"What are they _doing_ to us?" Meat was stringy anyway, and tasted like
sandal thongs.
425 b.c., Day Thirty
Dear Diary
Can't sleep. Can't eat. Quelled mutiny by executing the centaurs as
an example. Oldest son has developed strange religious beliefs based upon
the frustrated mating cycles of our hyenas. Sight of humpbacked whale off
port bow excited animals into thinking that G-d had sent it to destroy me
and my family. Daughters are tempting me with their wicked ways. The night
has a thousand phantoms that torment my soul.
425 b.c., Day Thirty-Eight
Dear Diary,
I can't be-LEEVE what happened today. You know Bobby Forester,that
rilly cute guy in chemistry class? Get this: he walkd over to where Sondra
and I were talking, and he asked me out to the new James Dean movie with
him! G-d, can you be-LEEVE it? Sondra was _mortified_! (And I know she digs
guys with motorcycles, like, you know she went to see "Wild One" something
like twenty jillion times? She's gonna grow up to be a skag, doncha know...)
So now she's mad a me, but I gotta get some new crinolines because my old
ones got chocolate syrup poured on them last week at the drive-in, so....
425 b.c. Day Thirty-Nine
Dear Diary,
Becoming steadily less connected with day-to-day matters. Read
yesterday's entry: thought someone else had written it. Had vision of
strange birds. Have forgotten what land looks like. See no hope: G-d has
forsaken me. Tomorrow I shall go into the hold and begin putting the animals
out of their misery, and ending this charade once and for all. I shall begin
with the gryphons and dragons.
Comments
Lessons from Noah's Ark
Plan ahead...It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark
Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big
Don't listen to critics- do what has to be done
Build on high ground
For safety's sake, travel in pairs
Two heads are better than one
Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board but....
so were the snails
If you can't fight or flee---float!!
Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth
Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!!!
Stay below deck during the storm.
Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.
If you have to start over, have a friend by your side
Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
than the storm outside.
Don't miss the boat
No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon
Comments
Pooch Snubs The Matzoh Ball, Spring Must Be Near
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Back off Punx a New York pooch is vying for position
as the annual prognosticator of spring.
Bandit, a Jack Russell terrier, turned up his snout Tuesday at a matzoh
ball presented to him at Ben's Kosher Deli in Manhattan, confirming that
spring is near.
If Bandit had eaten the dumpling, New Yorkers would have braced for six
more weeks of winter, organizers of the event said.
Bandit's appearance occurred on Groundhog Day, when a more famous
prognosticator, Punxsutawney Phil, failed to see his shadow in
Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, meaning spring is around the corner.
It was held as an adjunct to the deli's annual matzoh ball-eating contest
to benefit the Interfaith Nutrition Network, which feeds the hungry in New
York and Long Island.
The victor of that event was Russell Machover, a 41-year-old Harvard
educated investment banker from Jericho, Long Island.
In five minutes and 25 seconds, Machover ate more than 11 of the
tennis-ball-sized matzoh meal, egg and chicken-fat dumplings that are
usually in chicken soup. He ate 5-1/2 more in an 85-second runoff after
the first heat resulted in a tie.
The key? "Stay focused," he intoned.
Despite adopting the demeanor of a pro wrestler before the contest,
Machover, pale and wheezing, barely made it to the five-minute mark. After
recovering and going on to victory, he was back in wrestler form.
"We came to conquer and we conquered," he hollered, arms thrust into the
air. A few minutes later he was barking into a cellphone, ready to resume
his role as one of Wall Street's Masters of the Universe.
What about the matzoh balls? "My wife makes 'em better," he said.
Comments
Odd Rabbi Out
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments,
and three were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd
rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that
signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are
wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer,
a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and
dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other
three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I
am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"
This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form
one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby
hill. "I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he
said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a
deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said,
"Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Comments
Old Friends
On a sunny Shabboth afternoon in Miami Beach, two old friends met
for the first time in years. After exchange of the usual amenities,
as they sat on a beachfront bench, Jacob's expression grew somber,
and he said, "Shmuel, people are telling me you don't go to shul
any more. Can it be true that you no longer believe in G-d?"
Shmuel looked uncomfortable, and hurriedly changed the subject.
The next afternoon, the old friends met on the beach again. "You
must tell me, Shmuel," he said, "Don't you believe in our G-d any
more?"
Shmuel replied, "Here is a straight answer to a straight question.
No, I don't."
Jacob asked, "Why didn't you tell me that yesterday?'
Shmuel, deeply shocked, exclaimed, "G-d forbid - on Shabbat?"
Comments
"G-d gave burdens, also shoulders."
-- Old Jewish saying
Comments
Reaping the Fruit of Your Labor
One day, Honi was journeying on the road and he saw an
old man planting a carob tree; he asked him, "How long
does it take for this tree to bear fruit?"
The old man replied, "Seventy years."
Honi then further asked him, "Are you certain that you
will live another seventy years?"
The man replied, "I found ready grown carob trees in the
world; as my forefathers planted these for me, so I too
plant these for my children"
(Ta'anit 23a)
Comments
One of Ours
A concert in Carnegie Hall, many stars of classical music contribute.
The pianist Vladimir Horowitz enters the stage.
A Jewish spectator to his Jewish neighbor: "One of our people!"
Next: The violinist David Oistrach enters the stage.
Again: "Also one of ours!"
The violinist Isaac Stern, again "Also one of ours!"
Finally the non-Jew sitting behind the two Jews becomes nervous and sighs:
"Oh Jesus!"
The Jew again: "Also one of ours!"
Comments
Fundamentalist Aesopians Interpret
Fox-Grapes Parable Literally
from The Onion
MONTGOMERY, AL--A controversial new bill pending before the Alabama Legislature has deeply divided the state along theological lines, sending right-wing fundamentalist Aesopians into an uproar. HR 1604, if passed, would broaden nutritional guidelines used in the state's school-lunch program, permitting a wider variety of fruits and vegetables to be served, including grapes, the consumption of which is a sin according to Aesopian doctrine.
"The state of Alabama is trying to bully us into submission," said Herman Bray, Pastor of the First Universal Church Of Aesop in Huntsville. "They're trying to rob us of our most cherished beliefs and send our children the message that grapes are acceptable for eating."
Clutching a worn, leather-bound copy of Aesop's Parables, Bray explained his congregation's strict opposition to the law.
"The Holy Writ of Aesop makes it plain that the fox, in his anger at the unreachable grapes, cursed the offending fruit and made all grapes sour forever," Bray said. "It is common sense--and a core belief of the Church Of Aesop--that this is a directive from Aesop Himself against grape consumption. Grapes are plainly exposed as a foul, sour-tasting fruit which dirties both body and soul, and this is a strict tenet of our dietary code." Alabama Aesopians are threatening to take their children out of school if the bill becomes law.
"Our beliefs and history have been laughed off by the secular media as fiction, as 'fables,'" Bray continued. "But the fox-and-the-grapes incident is not just some fantasy concocted by the Aesopian Right. Our research has determined that it most likely occurred between 605 and 602 B.C.E. in the province of Phrygia, was witnessed by a young Aesop and ultimately recorded in what became the Holy Book of Aesopians. Our church's archaeological and historical data all confirm the details recorded in the Aesop account."
The Aesopians' claims have provoked strong reaction among academics. "They think what? That this is a directive not to eat grapes?" asked Darrin Schmidt, professor of folklore and mythology at NYU. "The whole point of the story is that the grapes aren't sour at all. I think that's pretty unambiguous." Bray dismissed Schmidt's comments as "heretical anti-Aesopian hate speech."
Curtis Milner, president of the Birmingham-based Aesopian Coalition, said his organization is prepared to go all the way to the Supreme Court if Alabama passes what he calls "an openly hostile, blatantly anti-Aesopian piece of legislation."
"These lawmakers are attacking our most closely held beliefs," Milner said. "Not only is it disrespectful; it is a clear violation of the Constitution of this land."
According to Milner, the beliefs of the Aesopians are simple and direct. "We honor the courage and the noble sacrifice of Aesop, who gave His life to educate the world, not backing down even to the day of His execution by the wicked Athenian despot Peisistratus," Milner said. "That event, though tragic on the surface, was actually a day of exhilarating triumph over evil, for as a result of it, the histories painstakingly recorded by Aesop gained immortality."
"He died for us all," Milner added
Comments
Jewish Elders Lift 6,000-Year Ham Ban
from The Onion
JERUSALEM--Ending a strict, six-millennia prohibition of the consumption of
cloven-hoofed beasts, the World Rabbinical Council announced Tuesday that
Jews worldwide may "dig in to the delicious taste of ham."
"The Jewish people have always had the utmost reverence for the laws of
G-d, as handed down from Abraham to his son Isaac, to his son Jacob. However,
from time to time, it is necessary to make slight revisions and modernizations
to these laws," said council president Rabbi Menachem Saperstein, sucking on
a hambone, his white beard soaked with succulent ham drippings. "As no less
a Talmudic scholar than Moses Maimonides once wrote, 'Change is the way of the
Lord.'"
Added Saperstein, "Mmm... this is some tasty ham."
According to Rabbi David Feinberg, head of the American Congress of
Orthodox Rabbis, the newly approved ham will be incorporated into a number of
Jewish customs.
"During the Passover seder, which commemorates our people's deliverance
from slavery in Egypt, we will remember the day G-d brought us unto the Land of
Milk and Honey by drinking a tall glass of milk with a thick slice of
honey-glazed ham," Feinberg said. "And joining the charoses and maror on the
seder plate will be a ham roll, symbolizing the juicy, mouth-watering taste of
freedom."
Feinberg also noted that an abbreviated version of Passover, to be
called Hamover, will be observed on the third Saturday of every month. The
new holiday, he said, will involve "the eating of tons of ham."
Saperstein will officially announce all the changes to the dietary code
next Friday during a World Rabbinical Council cookout at the Wailing Wall.
Though some of the details have yet to be worked out, most notably those
involving the kosher status of redeye gravy and the Talmudic interpretation of
"all the trimmings," Saperstein said he would stress the important role ham
has played in his people's ancient roots.
"As it is written in Genesis, Noah had a much-beloved son named Ham,
who was the father of all Canaan," Saperstein said. "From this day forth,
we shall honor Noah's greatest son by partaking of the flesh which shares
his name."
Saperstein also noted that the complex genealogies of the Pentateuch
lend credence to the theory that Abraham bore a son named Bakon, and that
one of David's in-laws was known as Zebulon Bar-Sausage.
Shortly following the announcement, Orthodox Jews across the country
stormed grocery stores, feverishly buying up all the ham they could carry.
"Canned ham, smoked ham, sliced ham, potted ham, ham loaf--they were
all flying out of here," said Chris Dinardo, manager of a butcher shop in
Borough Park, a Hasidic neighborhood in Brooklyn. "Just last week, those
same customers would stare longlingly at those hams for hours before slumping
off with a roast turkey."
"Last night, five or six of those fellas with the long beards and black
hats came in here and ran up a $564 bill," said Jack Burkett, owner of Smoky
Jack's BBQ in Rocky Mount, NC. "Every time we'd bring them a plate, they'd
just choke out the words, 'More pig,' between bites."
Though the departure from traditional kosher law may seem like a radical
change, Jewish elders point out precedents such as 1977's experimental Yom
Lobster holiday, and stress that Judaism is not above modification.
"The original codes were set down thousands of years ago by a nomadic
people with no knowledge of refrigeration, preservatives or disease control,"
said Rabbi Eliyahu Baruch of Yeshiva University. "While we retain many of
these traditions to honor our ancestors and our God, we recognize that they
are unnecessary from a practical standpoint. Have you ever smelled bacon
frying? Oy, vey, how my mouth waters."
"For six millennia, the story of the Jewish people has been the story
of survival," Baruch said. "But even the most indestructible race would
lose their will to live after 6,000 years of brisket."
Comments
Origin of Kashruth
A dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai:
G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never
cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and
meat together.
G: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.
M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is
we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so
the two are not in our stomachs.
G: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in it's
mother's milk!!!
M: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What
you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for
milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake
we have to bury that dish outside....
G: Moses, do whatever the heck you want.......
Comments
Orphans in the Bible
Q: Which bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
A: Jonah, because he was brought up by a whale.
Comments
Orthodox in Catholic School
The little Orthodox Jewish boy, David was having trouble at school,
in fact he was kicked out of the school. His parents not knowing
what to do asked a social worker. She said, "for the good of the
child he must go to a public school, you see he needs more freedom
to express himself!" The parents are in shock, our boy in a
public school???!!
In the end, they sent David to the school. The second day this
third grader was expelled. The parents returned to the social
worker asking what to do now. "You see," the social worker says,
"David really needs more structure, and it was my mistake. You
must send him to a military academy." "What our son in the army..."
They send him to the academy and after 2 days he's courtmartiled
and expelled. Not knowing what to do they go back to the social
worker. She says, "There is only one alternative, that's a
Catholic school."
The parents are in shock, "our child David, going to them!!" But
in the end they send him. David becomes the perfect student. At
the end of the year the seniors ask him to speak to the graduating
class.
First, the parents ask him, "nu, David, first our school, then the
public school, then the military school, nothing worked. Why all
of a sudden, with the Catholics you become the model student??
David looks at his father and says "Dad, the first day the Mother
Superior sat me down in the chair and pointed above the chalkboard
and said, 'see that, that's the last Jewish boy that misbehaved
here'".
Comments
Orthodox Shul Decorum
Here is the real reason why it is generally much noisier in an
Orthodox shul than in others.
When you go to a stranger's house for the first time, you are
generally respectful and quit. You sit properly, you don't speak
till spoken to, you focus on the host rather than other company
you're there with. On the other hand, when you go over to your best
friend's house, you raid the refrigerator, you shmooze with other
friends that hang out there, you put your feet up. In short, you are
comfortable and not in awe. This applies even if your friend is a
powerful person in the community.
Something similar happens in synagogues. If you don't go to shul
that often, as with Jews who only go on Shabbat, you are proper and
polite. When you're there several times a week, as do many of the
Orthodox, this must be your friend and you kick back, relax with
friends, talk with them, etc. thus the difference in decorum.
Comments
Palestinians Aim For Better Rocks
JERUSALEM, ISRAEL (DPI) -- "The quality of the debris that the Israelis
leave behind in the streets has gone downhill," said Abdul Linbanjos,
Palestinian riot organizer. "They've taken all the good stuff for
themselves and what's left is substandard. Take this rock. It has no
trajectory! It crumbles in flight! How are we supposed to hurt anybody
when it turns into pea gravel after we throw it? This bottle breaks
into tiny pieces upon impact. Where are the shards of sharp glass meant
to cut our enemies to shreds? And the neck so short, a burning rag
won't stuff into it. How are we going to mount an effective uprising if
all they leave us is inferior materials? This is another example of the
degradations that we must suffer at the hands of the Israelis. We
demand that Israel return to us those quality projectiles that are
rightfully ours!"
Reported by Dave Henry (with parts ripped off from Davejames)
The Daily Probe April 8, 1998
Comments
Palestinians Kidnap Martha Stewart
by C.M. De Recksieck
Jerusalem, Israel -- In a shocking move, West Bank Palestinians have
kidnapped do-it-yourself maven Martha Stewart late Monday evening. It
is unknown exactly who is responsible for the disappearance of the model
turned stock broker turned caterer turned craft guru.
Last year's tentative agreement between Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin
Netanyahu and Palestinian Authority Leader Yassir Arafat has been shaky,
at best, during the past few months. More militant Palestinians have
been contending that the Middle East has been losing international
attention and that something drastic needed to be done to achieve
Israeli troop withdrawals in the West Bank. Opportunity knocked for
these opportunists when Ms. Stewart (divorced for five years) was on a
tour of Jerusalem about to film her planned ABC-TV special, "Ways To
Dress Up The Wailing Wall."
Eyewitnesses say that Stewart was abducted by three young men in a
public marketplace where she was carving a kiwi into a bust of Anwar
Sadat. The unidentified men then quickly shoved her and her longtime
aide-de-camp Larry into a van, denying her strident requests to be
allowed to change into her "good walking shoes." Stewart did have armed
security agents with her, but 20 minutes prior to the incident she had
dispatched them to round up discarded rounds of ammunition which she
planned to use to make into decorative shade pulls..
It is believed that the 48-year-old doily maker and her lawn care
specialist Larry are in good health, though reports are sketchy. She
was allowed by her captors to make a brief statement earlier today,
where she said she was being fed, "and it's a good thing, although some
carrot sticks would have balanced out the undercooked gruel." She also
reassured her cadre of assistants back home, "Please don't worry, but
for the love of G-d, plant the bulbs soon or they won't flower at all
this year."
No Palestinian groups would take responsibility for the abduction.
Palestine Authority and longtime PLO leader Yassir Arafat not only
denied all responsibility for the disappearance of the craft Svengali,
but lamented the fact that their planned "summit" would not take place.
Apparently as a gesture of international goodwill, Stewart was scheduled
to help Arafat convert an old barracks into a sewing room and prepare
"fun sausage balls" for Arafat's advisors.
Speculative reports have come out of the compound where Stewart and
assistant Larry are being held saying that Stewart remains in good
spirits, making a decorative wreath of rocks and pebbles and made a
centerpiece of the Masada monument out of discarded chicken bones.
Her disappearance has been major international news. The New York Post
ran a huge banner headline which read, "Martha Stewart -- Living?"
So far, the kidnapping has not created the international outrage that
her captors were hoping for. In fact, Ms. Stewart's multi-media empire
seems to be intact. Her disappearance will not affect the publication
of her magazine, the publication of her syndicated column or her Today
Show appearances.
Comments
Pasken & Rabbis Ice Cream
Pasken and Rabbis ice creams are available in cohens, frozen on a
shtick, or in a plastic Yid-dish. In addition to their up-to-the-mitzvah
selections of ice cream flavors, P&R's also offers such tasty treats as
Tosefloats, Saturdaes, Madua-lo-diet freezes, the tantalizing Bamid-bar,
as well as traditional ice cream Sotahs in a variety of delicious
flavors- the latter, of course, made with Korban-ated water and, if you
wish, an extra pshat of seltzer.
And while our competitors may offer a multilayered Goyishe Cup,
remember that only Pasken and Rabbi's features a free sample of any
flavor- which we call Bameh Madlickin'.
We are proud to continue our old and sacred tradition of serving a
multitude of flavors, a custom which began with the sainted Ga'on of
V'nila (may his memory be a dressing), who first claimed the mitzvah of
Hachnassat ice cream.
His disciples, known as the Eggnogdim, carried on for generations a
debate with the followers of the Baal Shempaine over which scoop to put
on top. Today, we abide by the decisions of the Ga'on's school, and we
have adopted his famous slogan, "Talmond Tort K'neggnog Coolime."
FLAVORS:
Maccabean
Leviticustard
Olive Hashalom
L'chu Vanillcha
Oy Gemalt
Wailing Walnut
Cherry Bim
Yasher Cocoach
Bubble Gumora
Lemontations
Chocolitvak
Hanava Bananot
Meshuganougat
Soda & Gomorra
Manishta Nut
Rachma Nut
Tishba B'Avarian Cream
Moishmallow
Maimonidi (Rumbomb)
Rhubarbanel
Chazalnut
Pear V'Chavod
Citrus D'Achra
Halava-Chomer
Oy Vey Iz
Mizrachino Cherry
Rashi Road
Balak Berry
Buberry
Lubavitcher Resberre
Shulamit Spumoni
Zalmond Schacter
Abba Ebanana
Bernard Malamint
Molly Pecan
Cin'm'n Toff & Mazel Toffe-ee
Cashew Lepesach
Lehitra Oats
Tzur Marshmalo
Kol HaVodka
Af Al Pecan
Mi Kamocha
Mizrachi Road
Tora Shebe'al Pear
Chuppapaya
M'lo Kol Ha'aretz Avacado
Butter Shkotz
Prune Ur'voon
Brand Ice
Olime Habah
Asseret Yummy Chewvah
Mi Kamarshmallow
Berry Pr'i Hagafen
Britishman Date
Rav Kooconut
Weizman Instituti-Fruiti
Carmel Shake
ChocEilat Chip
S.Y. Agnog.
Comments
A Penny Saved
Abe's son arrives home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling
down his face. "Dad, you'll be so proud of me" he says, "I saved a
dollar by running behind the bus all the way home".
"Oy" says Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20"
Comments
The Perfect Rabbi
The results of a computerized survey indicate the perfect Rabbi preaches
exactly fifteen minutes. He condemns sins but never upsets anyone. He
works from 8:00 AM until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a
week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives
about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years old and has preached 30
years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all of
his time with senior citizens. The perfect Rabbi smiles all the time
with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him
seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on congregation
families, shut-ins and the hospitalized, and is always in his office
when needed.
If your Rabbi does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other
synagogues that are tired of their Rabbi, too. Then bundle up your Rabbi
and send him to the synagogue on the top of the list. In one week, you
will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them will be perfect. Have faith in
this procedure.
One congregation broke the chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than
three weeks.
Your servant,
-------------
Comments
Jewish Personal Ads
Jewish Princess, 28, seeks successful businessman of any major
Jewish denomination: hundreds, fifties, twenties. POB 27.
I was reform as an embryo, conservative as a fetus, orthodox from
birth. Seeking same. POB 46.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with fleishig dishes only.
Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni. POB 77.
Professional Jewish athlete, winner of Davis Cup, America Cup,
Stanley Cup. Seeking non-Jewish woman. Goyishe Cup. POB 58.
Nice Jewish accountant, 31. Looking for a "10", 25-30, 5'-5'6",
95-105 lbs., 36-24-36, area code 212, 718, or 201. I've got your
number. POB 1099.
Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get.
Get it? I'll show you mine if you show me yours. POB 72.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires
female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing. Under
30 is also OK. POB 64.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the blech. Heimishe
balabusta, 39, will cook you such a tzimmes.. Hurry, it's getting
cold. POB 96.
Eh, shalom aleichem... So maybe you want to meet me, although all
right, you probably don't. Nu, so if you change your mind, maybe
epess you'll write me, but if not, it's OK, I understand. My
name is Shaya Bochur. POB 55.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both Shea and Yankee
Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.
Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play
"Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.
Looking for a great husband? "Mr. Dependable," always there for
you. A faithful companion at all times. Your salvation in any
emergency. No Saturday or Holiday calls, please. POB 92.
Agnostic dyslexic insomniac male, seeks similar female to stay up
all night to discuss whether or not there really is a DOG. POB 83.
Can't meet women?
Want to meet women?
Ready to meet women?
Join Amit Women. POB 60.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call
them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av,
Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar
B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.
POB 90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would
like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Single, attractive, successful, self-absorbed woman, 34, seeks to
save money by spending yours. POB 27.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in
woman. POB 43.
Israeli woman, 28, works behind falafel counter in pizza shop,
looking for Jewish man with sense of humus. POB 789.
You're probably wondering why an accomplished PhD, LLB, MBA,
DDS, MD, and Rhodes Scholar like me isn't married yet. I'm a
meeskite. POB 766.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable
esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful
Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB
843.
What's a menorah without it's shammes? Available Jewish woman,
37, seeks man to light her fire. POB 566.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.
I enjoy long walks, candlelight dinners, sailing, travel to
Europe, and I think this ad should be in New York Magazine
instead. Sorry.
Classy carrot seeking sugar daddy to make tzimmes together.
Prunes need not apply. POB 66.
I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and
four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where
are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.
POB 78.
Jewish man, watches TV on Friday night with time clock, eats fish
at non-kosher restaurants, doesn't wear yarmulke at work. Modern
Orthodox. POB 98.
Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last
week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your
gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you
again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.
Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't
believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks
glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.
Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for
honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos,
yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of
dybbuks, seeks mench. No weirdos, please. POB 56.
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will
accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just
forget it. POB 435.
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light
Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah
candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
POB 787.
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind.
Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
POB 555.
SFDJMBA -- Do I have to spell out everything for you? POB 333.
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try
it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.
BT with TB seeks FFB RN with RX of TLC. Initially I'm a nice
guy. POB 676.
80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male,
under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to.
Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in
me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made.
Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.
Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing,
track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out.
Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce. POB 655.
Comments
Does G-d Exist
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about
G-d's existence. The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard G-d?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched G-d?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen G-d?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is
no G-d."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for
permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up
and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded,
"Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our
professor has no brain!"
The student received an "A" in the class.
Comments
Potential Mother-In-Law Syndrome: The Outbreak
When Avi met Sara, it was love at first sight. Their relationship survived High Holy Day services, fasting, and even a trip to the Holy Land, but it didn't survive...Potential Mother-In-Law Syndrome (PMILS).
"The first time I went there," recalls Sara, "Avi's mother kept standing over me waving a fork at my head. 'Eat, eat,!' she kept saying. 'I always said I'd fatten up Avi's bride!'"
Avi shakes his head sadly at the memory. "Sara's mother sent out wedding announcements three weeks after we started dating. The pressure was too much for me."
Avi and Sara parted ways just before Pesach. The thought of spending seder at the other's home was too much for either of them. Avi and Sara are not alone. PMILS is the number one cause of Jewish breakups. How can you avoid becoming another statistic? There are several courses of action which can be taken. The first is to simply refrain from introducing your significant other to your parents. (It should be noted that this method becomes problematic when planning a wedding.)
Jonah and Sharon have been dating for 4 years, a record for both of them. "In the beginning of our relationship, I told my mother that Jonah couldn't come because he has a fear of heights--my parents live in a penthouse on the thirtieth floor of an apartment building. So they moved to a ground floor apartment, and then I told them he was afraid of leaving his apartment. When they asked to come to his place, I told them he was afraid of strangers. My mom doesn't ask about him anymore."
Jonah, too, has found a way to hold his mother at bay. "I told her that Sharon was a shikse, he says proudly. She never mentioned Sharon's name again."
Michael and Rachael opted for a different approach. "I told my mother that I was feeling pressured into marrying Michael, and I was considering moving back home. She backed right off." Michael adds, "I started pointing out how old all the grandmothers you see pushing strollers in the park looked, and my mom stopped buying baby clothes."
PMILS, then, is a treatable disease. There are, however, many couples still suffering from its deadly clutches. If you are among them, please know that you are not alone. Write us, tell us the symptoms, and the antidote (if known to man). Together, we can win the war against PMILS.
Comments
Poor Man's Blintzes
An improverished Jew in an Eastern European village one day asked his
wife to make him blintzes.
Wife: "Only rich people can afford to make blintzes."
Husband: "What can't we afford?"
Wife: "Eggs."
Husband: "I'll have my blintzes without eggs."
Wife: "We can't afford the cottage cheese."
Husband: "Leave out the cottage cheese."
Wife: "We can't afford the raisins."
Husband: "I don't need raisins in my blintzes."
The wife makes the blintzes without eggs, cottage cheese, or raisins.
The husband takes two bites and says, "You know, I don't see what rich
people see in blintzes."
Comments
The Poor
On the street I saw a small girl, cold and shivering in a thin dress,
with little hope of a decent meal.
I became angry and said to G-d:
"Why did you permit this?
Why don't you do something about it?"
For awhile G-d said nothing.
That night he replied, quite suddenly:
"I certainly did do something about it... I made YOU."
Comments
Inter-Religious Debate
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave
the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So
the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the
Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the
Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man
named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate.
To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope
agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other
for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in
a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope
pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope
stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.
The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God
common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that
God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that
God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show
that god absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of
original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?"
they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three
days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he
told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we
were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said
Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Comments
Pretty Fly For a Rabbi
By "Weird Al" Yankovic,
from Running With Scissors Album
To the tune of "Pretty Fly (For a White Guy) By Offspring
Veren zol fun dir blintsa
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi.
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney ho
Our temple's had a fair share of rabbi's in the past
but most of 'em were nudniks and none of them would last.
But our new guy's real kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to die for he really knows his shtick
So how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay iz mir" and he'll kick it in gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
And all the goyim say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi.)
He shops at discount stores, not just any will suffice
He has to find a bargin cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you want to haggle, oy, he'll make you such a deal!
People used to scoff, now they say "Mazel Tov!"
He's such a macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah he keeps his coll and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On high holy days, you know he prays and prays
and he never eats pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
When he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhip
the parents pay the moyl and he gets to keep the tip
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey!
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's doin' well, I've gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shickas think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "Shalom!"
And "have some cake -- you want some cake?"
Yeah, he calls the shots, we love him lots
OY gevalt, I'm so ferklempt that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka --
The one you got for Chanukah --
Let's put on our yarmulkas and --
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
Comments
Probelm with Jewish Food
Two Chinese men are coming out of a Jewish restaurant,
and one says to the other: "The problem with Jewish food
is that two days later, you're hungry again"
Comments
The Programmers of Chelm
A Tale So Good You Could Plotz
by Lincoln Spector
In Yiddish folklore, the village of Chelm is renowned as a town of fools
-- a place where wisdom, learning, and inspiration need never be hampered
by common sense. The people of Chelm can, therefore, be considered the
spiritual ancestors of all software designers.
One day, the programmers of Chelm decided to write a new database for the
synagogue. "It must keep track of every family in Chelm," pointed out
Shmul, who liked to think of himself as the project leader. "We need to
know who's married to who, who are their children, and every first and
second cousin."
"I see," said Mendel. "It must be a relational database."
"But who should we relate to who?" asked Moshe.
"Well, I certainly don't want my son marrying your daughter," objected Avram.
"Gentlemen, gentlemen," called out Shmul, "let's remember what we're here
for. Now I say we need a table for men, a table for women, a table for
families, and a table for children."
"Does the rabbi get his own table?" asked Avram. Everyone agreed that he
should, as he was wise.
"What about the user interface?" asked Moshe.
Everyone looked at Shmul. "There should definitely be one," he said.
"Otherwise, who would use it?"
"Yes, but should it have a speedbar, smart icons, or a floating toolbar?
And what kind of help should it have?"
"Does it need help?" asked Mendel. "Does not the Talmud say that we should
study? Let us write documentation that scholars can pore over and discuss
at length."
But Moshe still wasn't satisfied. "What happens if Yussel and Shandel have
another baby? How does Mordcha, the rabbi's best student, make note of
that?"
"Everyone knows what he does," answered Avram. "He writes it down on a
piece of paper."
"Which he then uses to wrap fish," added Mendel.
"Yes, but what will he do when our system is complete?" Everyone agreed
this was a very good question.
It didn't take Shmul long to come up with an answer. "He'll turn on his
computer, enter our database, and type in the name of the new baby."
"But how will the database know that Yussel and Shandel are the parents?"
"Don't be ridiculous," said Avram. "Chelm is a small village. Everyone
knows everyone else. When there's a new baby, how can someone not know the
parents?"
"How do people know?" asked Mendel.
"That's easy," Avram answered. "Before the baby is born, they can tell by
looking at the father. Why can't our program do the same?"
"Because a computer doesn't have eyes."
"Ah!" cried Shmul. "The computer doesn't have eyes, but Mordcha does, and
Mordcha can tell the computer everything he sees. And if he says `Yussel
looks very happy' one day, and `There's a new baby in town' on the next,
the program will figure it out."
Mendel considered this. "Perhaps, but I don't like depending on Mordcha
telling the computer everything he sees. If he forgets to tell the computer
that he saw the rabbi eat, will the program think it's Yom Kippur? It would
be better if we write a query routine that will help Mordcha find a family.
After all, are we not programmers? Mordcha could run the query from the
main menu, and that will bring him to a view of Yussel and Shandel's
family."
"Will he be able to enter a new baby from this view?" asked Moshe.
"Of course not!" said Mendel. "For that, he'd need to go to the New Baby
form, which he can get to from the main menu. So after he's executed a
query and found Yussel and Shandel, he can click a button to go back to the
main menu. From there, he can go to any part of the database he wants."
Moshe, however, suspected a fatal flaw. "But if he leaves the query and
goes back to the main menu, how will the computer know the new baby belongs
to Yussel and Shandel?"
This question so greatly troubled the programmers of Chelm that Avram was
moved to ask, "Does Maimonides say anything about this?"
"Ach," cried Moshe. "Who cares about Maimonides? He used COBOL!"
Just then Shmul found the solution. "It's simplicity itself! We'll put a
button on the New Baby form that will let Mordcha do a query on the family
table. When he finds Yussel and Shandel, he can press the button that will
bring him back to the main menu and from there, return to the New Baby
form."
"That's brilliant!" cried Moshe. Then he thought about it. "But when he
goes back to the New Baby form, will the computer know that Yussel and
Shandel are the parents?"
"Of course not. But he can always push the query button again."
Moshe wasn't too sure. "What if he doesn't like being part of an infinite loop?"
"Loop, schmoop. He's studying to be a rabbi, isn't he? He needs to learn
about the infinite."
"I have a better idea," interjected Moshe. "We can simply make all the new
babies belong to Yussel and Shandel."
The programmers all agreed this was the best plan yet. They were
congratulating themselves when Avram had a thought. "Oy vey! There's
something we overlooked. What will Mordcha wrap his fish in?"
Moshe laughed. "But that's so simple. We'll add an option for him to print
a special report."
Comments
Puff, The Kosher Dragon
Puff the Kosher Dragon,
lived in Palestine
and frolicked in the Synagogue
and drank Mogen David Wine
Good Rabbi Friedman,
loved that rascal Puff
and fed him lots of matzoh balls
and other Jewish stuff.
Then one day it happened,
Puff went and ate some pork,
so good Rabbi Friedman
took away that dragon's fork.
He told that naughty Puff
that dragons don't each such meat
that come from little piggies
with their dirty little feet.
Oh, Puff etc.
Puff became bar mitzvahed
Put on tefillin every day.
Wrapped up in his tallis, oh
That's the way he'd pray.
He said bracha before eating,
He bentsched after every meal.
Imagine how religious
It made that dragon feel.
Oh, Puff etc.
Comments
Jewish Punishment
Rabbi Finkelstein was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity.
He was so addicted to the game that if he didn't play he would get
withdrawal symptoms.
One Yom Kippur, Rabbi Finkelstein thought to himself, "Who is it going to
get hurt if during the recess I go out and play a few rounds, nobody will
be the wiser and I'll be back in time for services". Sure enough, at the
conclusion of the Ma'ariv service, Rabbi Finkelstein snuck out of the
Synagogue and headed straight for the golf course.
Looking down upon him were Moshe Rabeinu and G-d.
Moshe said, "Look what that man is doing and a Rabbi in Israel at that".
G-d replied, "I'll teach him a lesson"
On the course itself Rabbi Finkelstein teed off and when he hit the ball,
it careened of a tree, struck a rock, flew across a stream and landed in
the hole for a HOLE IN ONE!
Seeing all this Moshe yelled, "G-d, this is how you're going to teach him
a lesson; he got a hole in one.
"Sure", said G-d, "but who is he going to tell?"
Comments
Jewish Answer
A Goy asked Reb Moshe: "Why do Jews always answer with a question?
Reb Moshe: Why not?
Comments
Jewish Querries
Q: Why do Jews always answer a question with another question?
A: Why not?
Comments
Rabbi Phone Line
Hello, you have reached the office of the New York Board of Rabbis.
Our Rabbi is ready to answer any of your questions.
If you are Orthodox, press 6, 1, 3.
If you are Conservative, press 1 or 2.
If you are Reform, press any button you like.
If you are Reconstructionist, press all the buttons.
If you are Lubavitch, please wait a moment for the Moshiach to answer.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Orthodox Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that it is absolutely forbidden by the
Torah. If you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Conservative Rabbi.
The answer to your question is that we have ruled that either answer is
acceptable to some of us and neither answer is acceptable to all of us.
We hope that this has been helpful. If you wish to change your
affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reform Rabbi.
The answer to your question is: If you want to, sure! Why not? Who are we
to say? However, if you wish to change your affiliation, press 1, 8.
(Beep)
Hello, you have reached the Reconstructionist Rabbi.
The answer to your question presumes that there is an answer. We have not
decided that issue yet. However, my role is to empower you to answer your
own question. To answer your own question now, please hang up....if you
are still there.
(Click)
Comments
To Err is Human ...
So the Synagogue got really fed up with its Rabbi. The Executive Committee
met and none-too-reluctantly, concluded that they'd have to let him go.
Trouble was - who'd want to take him - especially if it got out that he'd
been fired?
So the Executive Committee decided to give him a glowing letter of
recommendation. It compared the Rabbi to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d
Himself. The recommendation was so warm that within six weeks the Rabbi
succeeded in securing himself a pulpit in a major upwardly-mobile
Synagogue 500 miles away, at twice his original salary and with three
junior Rabbis working under him.
Needless to say, in a couple of months the Rabbi's new employers began to
observe some of his imperfections. The President of the Rabbi's new pulpit
angrily called the President of the old Synagogue charging "We employed
this man mostly on the basis of your recommendation. How could you
possibly compare him to Shakespeare, Moses and even G-d Himself, when he
can't string together a correct sentence in English, when his knowledge
of Hebrew is worse than mine and that on top of everything else, he's a
liar, a cheat and an all-round low-life ?"
"Simple," answered his colleague. "Like Shakespeare he has no Hebrew or
Jewish knowledge. Like Moses, he can't speak English, and like G-d
Himself - 'Er is nisht kan mentch (He's not a human being!)."
Comments
Rabbinical Engineering
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to
the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long
before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all
the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States
called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the
President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced
jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design
him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect.
The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced
jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they
held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings
couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The
test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.)
Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but
the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask
G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally
asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to
the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his
arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your
problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and
below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely
guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the
more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe
the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi
told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a
row of holes directly above and below where the wings met
the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that
his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it
would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent
the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many,
many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all
those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the
perforation!"
Comments
Job Summaries
A rabbi sat down on an airplane, and the man next to him struck up a conversation.
"So what do you do for a living?" the passenger said.
"I'm a rabbi," the rabbi replied.
"Oh, a clergyman," the man said condescendingly. "Well, rabbi, I really don't
know much about religion, but I always felt you could sum it up in one word: Do
unto others as you would have others do unto you."
The rabbi didn't say anything to that. Instead, he asked the passenger, "So nu --
and what do YOU do for a living?"
"Im an astrophysicist," he said importantly. "I'm working with NASA on a project
using the Hubble telescope to find out how galaxies are made."
Well," said the rabbi, "I don't knowe much about astromony, but I guess you could sum
it all up in one sentence: Twinkle, twinkle, little star -- how I wonder what you are!"
Comments
Second Religious Accident
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident.
It seems the priest was going at a rapid rate and smashed
into the Rabbi. Along comes the cop, looks and says in his
Irish brogue,
"Now father, tell me... How fast was the Rabbi backing up when
he hit you?
Comments
Keeping Up With Rabbi Jones
A priest and a rabbi lived next door to each other.
Whatever one did, the other had to do better.
The priest got a new lawn mower.
The rabbi got a new riding lawn mower.
The priest got a satellite dish.
The rabbi got a motorized one.
The priest bought a Mercedes.
The rabbi bought a Rolls-Royce.
The priest stood in front of his Mercedes, sprinkled
holy water on it, and blessed it.
The rabbi cut six inches off the Rolls' exhaust pipe.
Comments
To Save a Life
It was a Sabbath afternoon and Moshe stood looking out the window of the rabbi's study.
"Rabbi," he said thoughtfully, "If one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted to save her or should one let her drown?"
The rabbi looked up from his studies, "It is not permitted to break the Sabbath
over a cow," he replied.
"That's too bad. A cow has fallen in the lake and she is going under," Moshe
continued.
"Yes, it's too bad," the rabbi muttered this time without looking up from his
studies.
"Her head is going under now," Moshe continued after a pause. "She's certainly
lost now. I feel sorry for the beast."
"Yes," muttered the rabbi, "it's very sad. But what can one do? And I feel
sorry for you," Moshe said.
"Why me?" said the rabbi looking up. "It was your cow."
Comments
Cheating on His Diet
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the
congregation, finally decides to fulfill his lifelong fantasy--to
taste pork. He goes to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season (not
his usual one, mind you), enters the empty dining hall and sits down
at a table far in the corner. The waiter arrives, and the rabbi orders
roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi is waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from
his congregation walks in! They immediately see the rabbi and, since
no one should eat alone, they join him. Shocked, the rabbi begins to
sweat. At last, the waiter arrives with a huge domed platter. He lifts
the lid to reveal--what else?--roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple,
and look what you get!"
Comments
Free Haircut
One day a Catholic priest goes to a barber for a haircut. After the
haircut, he asks the barber how much he owes. The barber says, "For a
man of the cloth, the haircut is free!"
The priest thinks "What a nice man!" The next day the barber finds
a case of wine outside his shop.
Then, a minister comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber tells him that the
haircut is free. The minister thinks "What a nice man!" The next day,
the barber find a box of chocolates outside his shop.
Then, a rabbi comes in for a haircut. Again, the barber gives the haircut
on-the-house. The rabbi thinks "what a nice man!" The next day, the barber
finds a long line of rabbi's outside his shop!
Comments
The Rabbi's Hat
A Rabbi is walking slowly out of a Shul in New York when a gust of wind
blows his hat down the street. He's an old man with a cane and can't walk
fast enough to catch his hat. Across the street a man sees what has
happened and rushes over to grab the hat and returns it to the Rabbi. "I
don't think I would have been able to catch my hat." the Rabbi says. "Thank
you very much." The Rabbi places his hand on his shoulder and says, May G-d
bless you."
The young man thinks to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this
must be my lucky day!" So he goes to the Racetrack and in the first race he
sees there is a horse named Stetson at 20 to 1. He bets $50 and sure enough
the horse comes in first. In the second race he sees a horse named Fedora at
30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes in first also.
Finally at the end of the day he returns home to his wife who asks him
where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbis hat and was blessed by
him and the went to the track and started winning on horses that had a hat
in their names. "So where's the money" she says?
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," he said, "the winner was some Japanese horse named
Yarmulka."
Comments
Rabbi, What is the Meaning of Life?
A much respected rabbi is at death's door. His students crowd around
his bed, and one finally asks, "Rabbi, you have seen so much. Tell us,
what is the meaning of life?" "Life," the rabbi replies haltingly, "is
a fountain."
The students clamor, "A fountain, what does that mean?"
"Alright," the rabbi groans, "so it's not a fountain!"
Comments
New Tallis
The board of the synagogue was having a meeting about the Rabbi's new contract.
The president finally came out and said, "Rabbi, we can give you the new house,
the new car and the $20,000 raise, but we can't give you the new Tallis."
The Rabbi said, "What--you give me all those other things and can't give me a
new Tallis-- why?"
"Because," replied the President, "those fringe benefits will kill us!"
Comments
The Rabbi's Watch
Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.
He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a
sleepless night to go to the rabbi.
'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'
'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it
immediately !'
'What shall I do ?'
'Give it back to the owner.'
'Do you want it ?'
'No, I said return it to its owner.'
'But he doesn't want it.'
'In that case, you can keep it.'
Comments
Punishment
Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in
the company of undesirable characters -- even before the sun set on the
evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day.
Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they
deserved punishment. The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and
brought back two bags of dried peas. "Put these in your shoes," he told
them, "and walk on them for a week, to remiond yourself how hard life can
be when you turn away from the Law."
A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark
circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he
had been the week before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn't
you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes."
"Of course I did," said the other. "How could I disobey the Rabbi?" He
started to walk away, paused and then said "But I boiled them first."
Comments
Rabbinical Supervision
Rabbi Friedman, quite Orthodox did a double-take: there in the restaurant,
clearly visible through the large window, was the president of his
congregation. And yes, that was a bowl of clam chowder the waitress was
setting before him. As the rabbi watched in horror, the main dish, jumbo
shrimp wrapped in bacon was set down next. Oblivious to the rabbi's disgusted
visage, the president ate his way through his dinner. As he left the
restaurant, the rabbi accosted him saying: "you, you of all people, leader of
the congregation, supposed to be an example, how could you eat such traife!?"
The president replied: "you saw me eat the soup? And the shrimp?"
"Yes, and yes" came the reply.
"Then there is no problem - I ate my food under rabbinical supervision!"
Comments
Rabbi Support Group
The other night a rabbi was speaking at the synagogue's annual dinner dance.
After a few kind words about the guests of honor, the rabbi abruptly
interupted himself. "I would like to continue, but the chair of
tonight's festivities recently sponsored me in a new support group for
Rabbis.
It's called On & On Anon."
I promise it is true. I was the rabbi.
Harry A. Manhoff, the SLO RAV
Comments
Rabbinical Psychotherapy
Once upon a time there were no psychoanalysts in this world. In any
case there were the Rabbis. So, when somebody had some problems, he
went to the Rabbis. Today psychoanalysts have replaced the Rabbis,
but sometime the Rabbi is still more skillful than a psychoanalist,
as I'll strive to demonstrate.
Mr Aaron Friedmann had some problems when he wanted to sleep. So he
went to Dr. Freud's studio.
"Oh, herr Doctor, when I want to sleep, a lot of animals, tigers,
elephants, panthers and giraffes go up and down under my bed".
"This is terrible" Dr. Freud said "You have to begin a long, long
therapy".
The time goes by: one, two, three, four months. Mr Friedmann cannot
sleep. When he wants to sleep, millions of animals, panthers,
elephants, etc. go up and down under his bed. Dr Freud is deranged. He
uses every sort of therapy: hypnothism, conversation, but none help
his problem. Mr Friedmann abandons his Doctor.
The time goes by: one, two, three months, till Dr Freud sees
Mr Friedmann. "Mr Friedmann" Freud says "you are crazy! You abandoned
a therapy. This is very dangerous. Where have you gone?"
"Oh Herr Doctor, I'm so happy. I have no more problemes. I have just
got married"
"But your problems...what happened?"
"When I abandoned you, I went to Rabbi's house. I said 'o Rabbi,
I'm deranged. When I want to sleep, elephants, panthers, giraffes and
milions of animals go up and down under my bed'"
"What did the Rabbi do?"
"He touched his white shave and remained silent 'O rabbi' I said
'millions of animals go up and down under my bed when I want to sleep'.
Then the Rabbi said 'Do you know what you can do? Cut the legs of
your bed'
I have had no more problems"
Comments
Rabbinical Tales
Rabbi Akiva Eiger, one of the greatest Torah scholars of his day, would
invite many poor people to his Seder and did everything he could to make
them feel at home. Once, a guest accidentally spilled his cup of wine
all over the new white Pesach tablecloth. The poor man became very
embarrassed.
Thinking quickly, Rabbi Akiva Eiger knocked over his own cup and
exclaimed, "It seems that the table is not very steady...!"
***** ***** *****
Rabbi Israel Salanter would always take charge of the baking of his
Matzot. He supervised the kneading, the rolling of the dough, and the
baking, making sure that everything was done properly.
One year, before Pesach he became ill and couldn't go to the Matzah
bakery. His students went to supervise the Matzah baking for him.
They asked, "Rabbi, instruct us in what we must be most careful so
that the Kashrut of the Matzot will meet your high standards."
"If you want my Matzot to be truly kosher for Passover, you should be
most careful with the woman who kneads the dough. She is a poor widow.
Make sure you don't scream at her and don't get her upset!"
***** ***** *****
Before Pesach, a poor man asked the town Rabbi if he could fulfill his
obligation of the Four Cups by drinking milk instead of wine because he
didn't have the money to buy wine for the Seder.
"The question you asked will need a lot of research", replied the
Rabbi, "and since I don't have the time before Pesach, here is twenty
five rubles to buy your needs for the holiday".
After he left, the Rabbi's students asked. "Why did you give him so
much? Five rubles would have been enough to buy wine."
"From his question, whether he can use milk for the Four Cups, I
realized that he also had no meat for the Seder! for if he had meat how
would he be able to drink milk after meat! Now, if he has no meat for
the Seder, he surely lacks it for the rest of the holiday meals.
What's more, his family must be missing many other necessities as well.
So I gave him twenty five rubles and hope it's enough...!"
***** ***** *****
Before Pesach, a poor man came to the wealthy banker Rothchild and said,
"Mr. Rothchild, I would like to bet you 100 rubles that there is
something which I can get and you cannot! Mr. Rothchild was curious.
He put down a crisp 100 ruble note on the table.
The poor man picked up the 100 ruble note, put it safely in his pocket,
and said, "Mr. Rothchild, I can get from the community secretary a
letter attesting to the fact that I am in need, so that I can beg for
alms. Can you get one?"
Comments
Realizing Judaism
Buddy Hackett told of the time he had moved to a suburb and was beseiged
with suggestions that he join the local temple.
"Why?" he demanded.
"So that your children will realize they're Jewish."
"But they already realize they're Jewish," said Buddy. "They have
heartburn."
Comments
Rebettzin's Hidden Box
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a
box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was
personal.
One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the
box, and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000.
When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked
her to explain the contents to him.
She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in
the box..........
He interrupted, "In twenty years, only three bad seremons, that's not bad."
His wife continued...... and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would
sell them for $1."
Comments
The Red Sea
As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the
children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were
after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from
the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of
salt-water. Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he
and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through
their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out
of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink
from as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But
before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a
demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder
meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a
part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name
which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them,
"Go Filter Fish!"
Comments
Reform Rabbis Meet Their Maker
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One
minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and
joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the creator of all.
Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three.
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end?"
"You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while
the Torah was being read? I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word
is strong!"
Goldblum sighed with relief.
"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: Serving
Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?"
Bauman hung his head in shame.
"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not
Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my
people, but I can accept these indiscresions."
Finally, he turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, on the other hand have
gone to far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at me, even on
the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign
saying "Closed for the Holiday!"
Comments
Religious Fundraising
A Catholic priest, a Protestant reverand and a rabbi were sitting
together on a train. They were discussing how they separate their
own money from what they give to G-d. The Catholic guy said,
"I stand in circle, put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what
lands in the circle I give to G-d." The reverand said,
"I put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what lands back in the
hat I give to G-d."
So the rabbi said,"I put all my money in a hat, throw it up and what
stays in the air I give to G-d."
Comments
Religions View When Life Begins
When does life begin?
According to the Catholics, life begins at conception.
According to the Protestants, life begins at birth.
According to the Jews, life begins when the last kid leaves
the house and the dog dies.
Comments
The Borrowers
A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.
The Jewish man said, "You people have been taking things from us for
thousands of years. The Ten Commandments, for instance."
The Christian replied, "Well, it's true that we took the Ten Commandments
from you, but you can't actually say that we've ever kept them!"
Comments
Religious Underwire
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's. He shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife".
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety,
there are really only four types of bras," continued the sales clerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The sales lady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type the
Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The sales lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes
mountains out of mole hills."
Comments
The Result of Complaining
The more you complain, the longer G-d lets you live.
Comments
The Retired Mohel
Rabbi Meir Leib, a well known and respected Mohel, decided to finally
retire after 50 years of service to the Jewish community. One oddity about
the Rabbi, was that after every circumcision, he saved the pieces of
foreskin he cut off.
After so many years, and thousands of Brises, his collection was enormous.
One day, the Rabbi happened upon a leathersmith's shop. The Rabbi brought
with him, ten shopping bags full of foreskins.
"What can I do for you today Rabbi"? Asked the shopowner
"Vell, I tell you vat you can do for me, I have here a remembrance of my
many years as a Mohel. I vant you to make for me something nice. A
lampshade or something." replied the Rabbi.
"Don't worry Rabbi, I'll make you something special, come back next week"
promised the leathersmith
The following week, the Rabbi returned to the leathersmith's shop, quite
excited to see what was made for him.
"Nu, you make something for me?" asked the Rabbi
"Yes, of course Rabbi, here it is", says the shopowner as he hands the
Rabbi a small, flat, square box.
As the Rabbi opens the box, his small tired eyes suddenly grew large and he
shouted, "VAT IS DIS? TEN BAGS OF FORESKINS I BRING TO YOU, AND ALL I GET
OUT OF IT IS A SMALL VALLET? HOW CAN YOU DO DIS TO ME??", tears began
forming in the Rabbi's eyes.
"Take it easy Rabbi, Please! It may look like a wallet, but if you stroke
it, it turns into a suitcase"
Comments
The Ribbon Salesman
Abraham is an old Jewish guy who is a yarn merchant. He lives next
door to the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew!!!... I
need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your
nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow." Abe
says, "OK".
The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7am by the sound of
running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one
after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his
front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe
then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite.
The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. "What is this, Jew?
This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn
from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this
place! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Straightfaced, Abe replies "I'm very careful when I deal with people
like you, that's why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off
by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis
is in Poland."
Comments
The Atheist and The Almighty
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his
knees in conversation with his L-rd, the atheist never even looked
twice a prayerbook.
However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven
and asked: "Oh G-d, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every
problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't
even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every
happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
And a great voice was heard from above:
"B E C A U S E H E D O E S N ' T B O T H E R M E
A L L T H E T I M E !"
Comments
The Rise & Fall of the Israeli Ski Team
As you may know, in a slalom race the skier must pass through
about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel
had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations
for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French
championsped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7
seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds, the Italian in 38.1 seconds,
and then came the turn of the Israeli...the crowd waited, and waited...
.....SIX MINUTES!!!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally
arrived.
Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those bastards put a mezuzah
on each gate?"
Comments
Roses are Red ...
Roses are reddish
Violets are bluish
If it weren't for Jesus
You all'd be Jewish
Comments
Russian Jews
One colllld winter, a rumor went around that a certain butcher shop
would have meat for sale the next day. By very early the next
morning, a long queue had formed outside of the butcher shop.
At 8 o'clock an official came out briefly and announced, "Well,
comrades, I'm afraid there's not enough meat for everybody here.
Would all of the Jews leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened somewhat.
At 11 o'clock the official came out again and announced, "Well,
comrades, I'm afraid there's still not enough meat for all. Would
all of the non-party members please leave?"
They did, and the line was shortened again.
At 2 o'clock, the official came out again. "There's still not
enough meat for all of you! Would all those who did not defend our
great country from the fascist German intruder leave?"
Once again, the line was considerably shortened.
At 5 o'clock, the official announcement was, "There's still not
enough! Would all those who did not participate in the liberation
of our people from the terrors of the Czar leave!"
This included just about everybody.
Finally, at 8 o'clock in the evening, the official came out again.
The only people left in line were three half-frozen old men. He told
them, "There isn't any meat."
The old men moved slowly away, grumbling among themselves -
"Those Jews get the best of everything!!"
Comments
Jewish Dog
In a train compartment in Russia at the turn of the century a Jew met
a Russian general. The general travels with a dog by the name 'Moshe.'
For the whole ride, the general was commanding the dog: "Moshe, stay!"
"Moshe, roll over!" etc.
Teasingly looking at the Jew, the general said, "It is a very smart
dog, isn't it."
"Oh yes," answered the Jew. "If it was not Jewish it would become a
general!"
Comments
Russian War College
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells
the class of officers that the session will focus on potential
problemsand the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question,
"Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, in all likelihood, you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade
General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion.
Howcan we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "think about it. In modern war, it is not
the quantity, but the quality that is key. For example, in the Middle
East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have
been the winners every time."
"But sir, " asks the panicky officers, "Do we have enough Jews?
Comments
Sadam's Dream
Sadam called President Clinton and said: "Bill, I called you because I
had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and
it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a flag."
Clinton said:"Sadam, what was on the flag?"
Sadam said: "Allah is G-d, G-d is Allah".
Clinton said: "You know, Sadam, I'm really glad you called because last
night I had a dream too. I could see all of Bagdad, and it was even more
beautiful than before the war, it had been completely rebuilt. And on
every building there was a flag."
Sadam said: "Bill, what was on the flag?"
Clinton replied: "I really don't know, I can't read Hebrew!"
Comments
Say Cheese
A mother noticed that it was about time for school
to dismiss and since it looked like it would rain,
she drove toward the school to pick up her eight
year old daughter.
She turned down the street to see her daughter
running towards her down the sidewalk. A lightning
bolt flashed and the little girl looked up towards the
sky, smiled and then began running towards her
mother's van.
Another lightning bolt flashed and again the little girl
looked towards the sky, smiled and resumed running.
This happened several more times until the little girl
finally arrived at where her mother was parked.
Her mom immediately inquired as to the strange
behavior. "Why did you keep stopping and smiling at
the sky," she asked her daughter.
"I had to, Mommy. G-d was taking my picture."
Comments
Schlameil, Schlamazeil ...
What's the difference between a schlameil and a schlamazeil?
A schlameil is the guy who spills a bowl of soup
A schlamazeil is a guy who the soup spills on.
Comments
Schmohawk Indians
A family of Schmohawk Indians was sitting around the shtetl one night.
The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta; and the beautiful young
daughter, Minihorowitz. "So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never
believe."
"Vat?" says the mama.
"Today, at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?" says the mama, "so what did you say?"
"I said Yes."
"You said Yes?"
"I said Yes."
"That's vonderful," says the mama. "She said Yes! Did you hear that
Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"
"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy." "Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe
tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we
feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the vedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!"
"Vat, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the vedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the
meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get me a buffalo!"
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a night and
Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another night, and still
no sign of him. Another day and half the night, and Geronowitz comes
home. Exhausted. Staggering. And empty-handed. "Geronowitz! I've been
worried sick. Where have you been? And where's my buffalo?!"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high, and I
hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo, he made
Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little buffalo, with
no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely enough hide for a
rain hat. So I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that
way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo, with lots of
meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta, this was the ugliest
buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This, 'I thought to myself, 'is not the
buffalo for MY daughter's vedding.' So again, I settled in for the night
to try again the next day.
"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low, from
this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I found a
buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful
buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect buffalo. 'This,' I says
to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.'
"So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over
to the buffalo. Raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when
suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it."
"See what?" says Pocayenta.
"I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"
Comments
The Scholar
After months of negotiation, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted
permission to visit Moscow.
He boarded the train and found an empty seat. At the next stop a young man
got on and sat next to him.
The scholar looked at the young man and thought: This fellow doesn't look
like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this
district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this
is, after all, the Jewish district. On the other hand, if he is a Jew
where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has
permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a
little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go
there. But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit
one of the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish families are there in
Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are
a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he
going? The Steinbergs have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But
if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer
from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be
Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they
have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent
of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special
status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University.
At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do,
Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it
that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".
Comments
The Seance
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the
seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the
voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week I
talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Milty, for twenty dollars you
can talk to your zayde who you miss so much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam
Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table,
holding hands with the person on each side. All were humming, "Oooom, oooom,
tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.
"My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is that with you? Who? Mr.
Pitzel? Milton Pitzel's Zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy in the
other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we sing. We
gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question did his
zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The angels are calling.
Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
Comments
Shalom in Israel
An American visitor to Israel saw the Prime MInister of Israel among the
spectators at a concert. During the intermission, the American approached
him and they had a brief chat.
The PM said, "Since this is your first visit to our country, I'd be
interested in hearing your impression of us."
The American was ecstatic; everything about the country was more wonderful
than he had anticipated.
"But one thing baffles me, Mr. Prime Minister. I notice that everyone says
'shalom' for 'hello' and 'shalom' for 'goodbye!'"
"True," said the PM, "In our tiny democracy, we have so many problems that
half the time, we don't know whether we're coming or going!"
Comments
Shalom! Shalom!
The Jews say Shalom when the meet!!
They also say Shalom when they depart!!
Does this mean that
They don't know
If they are coming or going??
Comments
Congregation Shomrei Emunah
Adult Education Committee
Special Seminar Series on Shadchanus
Shomrei Emunah, baruch Hashem, has reached an important life-
cycle. Many ofthe members are becoming involved in the "shidduch
parsha" for their sons and daughters of marriageable age
(@17.5 +/-10 years). In recognition of the issues that such a
situation raises, the shul will be offering a series of seminars
for parents of prospective chassanim and kallahs. This seminar
will include the following workshops given by noted local
community experts:
Getting your daughter into the "Right" Seminary
Top ten Girls Seminaries in Israel to Avoid
Seminary Directors in Israel Who Died and Made Them Kings?
Application fees to seminaries in Israel: Larceny or an investment
in
Your Future.
How to get your son into the top ten at Lakewood
Yeshivonics: Translating grammatically incorrect speech into
English
Twenty-one and still single: Is she over-the-hill or Just Full of
Shidduch?
Getting top dollar for your Led Zeppelin and Grateful Dead tapes:
A guide to local flea markets
Going back in time: How to Get YU and NCSY to disappear from
your secret files.
The most appropriate sefarim to have on your bookshelf (note: The
first 50 registrants will be entered into a drawing for a $50 gift
certificate at Shabsi's Judaica
How to obtain those Yeshiva Transcripts you never had
How to master Shas in one week
Lomdus 101: Is it Possible to shlug-up the "nice boy", "nice girl"
Gezara Shoveh
Etymology 353: A historical analysis of the word "nice" losing all
meaning
Chumra crash course: A primer to Yoshon, Cholov/Pas Yisrael,
Gebrokhts, and separate seating/standing
Your son-in-law the Doctor?!! How to get to Shappard Pratt in a
hurry.
Understanding the hidden financial value of the "Masters in
Education" degree
Kitchen remodeling: How to give an illusion of the double sink
using mirrors from Home Depot
Post Hoc Yichus Acquisition: Creative and alternative approaches
to tracing and documenting your family tree
Shinui Shem: Legally changing your daughter's last name to
something more desirable
Financial Planning I: Which set of books to show the (prospective)
Mechutanim
Financial Planning II: How to go into Hock with dignity and still
cover your Kol Nidre Pledge
Financial Planning III: Pre-Shidduch financial negotiation tactics
Financial Planning IV: Automatic payroll withdrawal to cross
country manor and the Fountainbleu
Playing Hardball: Calling your future Mechutan's bluff
Appreciating the Kollel work ethic: A sociological analysis of the
9am weekday Minyan at the Agudah
How to hand over your credit cards and car keys with a smile
Progressive stupidity in the Shidduch-Parsha parent: Why have
we lost control of the situation?
Understanding your daughter's fantasy of a $600 piece of fake hair
on her head: A psychiatric case study
Narishkeit Update: A compilation of the New
"That's-Just-the-Way-it's-Done" Laws of the past 10 years
Fashion Update I: A guide to color-coded snoods
Fashion Update II: Wardrobe Rules for Vorts and Sheva Brochos
Your first grandchild next year?: A practical Shidduch Timetable
for your dating child
How to look at a 20-year-old boy in the Black Hat without cracking
up: Behavior modification techniques for the 90's
Understanding Shidduch Love in the current generation: It's not (in)
your father's Oldsmobile
How to break it off with a guy who expresses an interest in earning
a living
Understanding Twenty-First Century Demographics: Everyone's
Mechanech
Biting the Bullet: Our obligation to continue support to schools
with screwed-up-agendas.
Do you want to join?
Comments
Shidduchim Questions
Questions About the Person's Father
What color shirt does he wear on Sundays?
What kind of jacket does he wear on Sundays?
Does he wear brown shoes on Shabbos?
Does he wear loafers or laces or Shabbos?
What kind of hat does he wear on Shabbos in the summer? (Felt or
straw?)
Does he sing 'zmiros' at the Shabbos table?
Does he sit or stand for Kiddush?
If he plays ball, does he wear sweatpants?
Questions About the Person's Mother
How much does she weigh? (Do they want to marry the mother?)
Does she bring home her own groceries, or are they delivered?
If she does it herself, does she walk with a
shopping wagon in public?
What did HER mother (the grandmother) do in Europe?
Does she get dressed up for Friday night or wear a robe?
If she wears a robe, does she wear a snood or shaitel?
Does she use paper tablecloths for Shabbos or cloth?
Is the linen tablecloth covered with plastic?
Does she use china, regular plates, or paper plates on Shabbos?
Does she use china, regular plates, or paper plates in the Succa?
Does she use silver or stainless steel for Shabbos?
Are side dishes on Shabbos made at home or bought?
If they are bought, are they served in the original plastic
containers?
Family Questions
Will they sign a contract for support? (Verbal contract not acceptable)
Where do they daven?
Girl Questions
What size is the girl? (Dress, not IQ)
Does she have red hair?
Comments
Shiksa Troubles
There once was a businessman who warned his son against marrying
a "shiksa".
The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism."
"It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems."
After the wedding, the father called his son, who was in business
with him and asked him why he wasn't at work.
"It's Shabbos," the son replied.
The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our
busiest day."
"I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife
wants us to go to synagogue on Shabbos."
"See," the father said, "I told you marrying a Shiksa would cause
problems."
Comments
Synagogue Sign
from "The
Joys of Yiddish" by Leo Rosten
Sign on the Temple bulletin board:
"Come early if you want to be sure of a seat in the back."
Comments
Shul Customs
A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small
old community in Chicago. On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate
erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading
of the Ten Commandments.
The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing
home. "Mr. Katz, I'm asking you as the oldest member of the community,"
said the rabbi, "What is our synagogue's custom during the reading of
the Ten Commandments?"
"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.
"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people
sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling
them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones
standing, telling them to sit down... "
"That," said the old man, "is our custom."
Comments
A Dog in Shul
A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas runs up to him and says,
"Pardon me, this is a House of Worship! You can't bring your dog in
here."
"What do you mean?" says the man, "This is a Jewish dog. Look!"
And the shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St.
Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck, this dog has a tallis bag
around his.
"Spot," says the man, "daven!".
"Woof!" says the dog, stands up on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag,
takes out a kipa, and puts it on his head. "Woof!" says the dog again,
opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck. "Woof,
woof! says the dog, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely amazing, incredible! You
should take him to Hollywood, get him on television, get him in the movies;
you could make a million dollars off of him!"
"Oy!" says the man, "You talk to him. He wants to be a doctor."
Comments
Shul Honors
"In my shul, we never give hagbah to a noncongregant.
"Why?"
"A number of years ago, a Bar Mitzvah guest attempted to perform the
honor and cried out, "Jesus Christ, this is heavy!""
Comments
Shul Salaries
A market research company was surveying the income and fringe benefits
enjoyed by the clergy and religious officials (on a confidential basis)
and they came to the local large membership synagogue to interview the
Rabbi, the Chazen (cantor) and the Shammes (Beadle).
[I don't know what salary scales for Rabbis etc are like in the USA so you
may have to adjust my figures.]
They asked the Shammes about his remuneration package:
"Well, I've got an apartment on the side of the shul for which I pay no
rent. My telephone account is paid for by the shul. I earn $2000 a
month."
"Is that all?"
"That's all and I'm quite comfortable with it."
They asked the Rabbi:
"I get a free house with a swimming pool and a tennis court. I've got one
car for which the gasoline and maintenance is paid for by the
congregation. Free telephone and electricity account. The education of
my kids is paid for by the congregation and I'm also entitled to one free
overseas trip to Israel every two years. I get paid $7500 a month."
Then they asked the Chazen:
"I've got a free house with a swimming pool. The community pays for
maintenance and gasoline on my car and my wife's car. Free electricity,
water and telephone. Food is paid by the congregation. Kid's education
is paid for. One free overseas trip a year for my whole family. I'm paid
$12000 a month."
The market research person asks:
"But that's more than what the Rabbi earns?"
The Chazen responds : "There's no business like show business."
Comments
Presidential Honors
Jack Rabinowitz was the President of the Beth David Congregation for many
years. As President of the shul, he received Shlishi every Shabbos. After a
long term in office, the shul decided that it was time for fresh blood, and
installed a new President. The new President, as was his right, would receive
Shlishi every Shabbos.
Rabinowitz was furious: "I won't give any more money to this shul," he said.
"Not one red cent."
The shul Board was fit to be tied, for Rabinowitz was one of the shul's
biggest contributors. It was agreed that a delegation would be sent to
speak with him.
"Look, Jack," urged Sam Cohen, "we can give you a different aliya every
Shabbos. You can have Revii or even Shishi. Just not Shlishi." But
Rabinowitz wouldn't budge. After several attempts to persuade him, Cohen
said, "Jack, tell us what's wrong."
Rabinowitz looked Cohen in the eye and said, "Sam, it took me years to learn
the brachos for Shlishi. There's no way I'm going through that again for
Revii or Shishi!"
Comments
The Sick Rabbi
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became
friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came
into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the
crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering
Jew in this room was enough."
Comments
A Sign From G-d
Our Rabbi had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was
afraid to come down. The rabbi pleaded, got warm milk, etc., but the kitty
wouldn't come down.
He decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree
bent down, he could then reach the kitten. He did all this, kept getting out
to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would
be bend sufficiently to reach the kitten.
But as he did so, the rope broke. Of course, the tree went Boing! and the
kitten sailed through the air out of sight.
The rabbi felt very sad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking everyone
if they'd seen a little kitten. "No," was the answer.. So he prayed, "G-d, I
just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and he met a temple member. In
her cart, he was amazed to see cat food, knowing she hated cats.
He asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had
been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before,
the girl had begged again, and she finally told her, "Well, if G-d gives you
a cat, I'll let you keep it."
"You can guess the rest," she told the rabbi, "I watched my little girl go
out in the yard, look up to the heavens above, and ask G-d for a cat. And
really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly
came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed in
front of her!"
Comments
Smart Dog
A guy gets a new dog and he can't wait to show him off to his neighbor
so when the neighbor comes over, the guy calls the dog into the house,
bragging about how smart the critter is. The dog quickly comes running
and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth
openin classic doggie-smile position, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, "Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog sits down, the tail wagging stops, the
doggie-smile disappears; he hangs his head, looks balefully up at his
master and says in a whiney voice, "Oy! My tail hurts from wagging so
much and that dog food you're feeding me tastes absolutely terrible.
Also I can't remember the last time you took me out for a walk..."
The neighbor looks puzzled. "Oh", explains the dog owner, "he thought
I said 'Kvetch!"
Comments
Jewish Sniglets
A Sniglet is a made up word. Richard Hall (Not Necessarily the News,
HBO, Sat. night Live) published several Sniglet books.
Shacharace - The mad dash to finish Shacharis especially on weekdays
Talistless - forgetting to bring your tallis to shul
Tfillines - The marks left on your arm after you take off the tfillin
(I saw this in the Jewish Press Purim issue a while ago)
Musaphering - Waiting for a chazan who drags out kedusha during musaph
The Bein Hashmashot Zone - Jewish equivalent of the twilight zone.
More commonly called "The 18 minute Zone".
Kiddash - the mad rush to get to the Shabat Kiddush
Hagbotch - Someone who flubs hagbah
Havdalust - that yearning you get on the long summer days wishing
Shabbat would be done already
Besamimic - the fake sniffing sounds people make as if they are
smelling besamim even though the're not
Kipunt - any attempt to kick a falling yalmuke before it touches the
floor
Yarmulcult - The current "fad" of other religions to wear colorful
Jewish looking yarmulkes on their heads, beacuse it's fashionable.
Chewlent - The hard tough crust on the top of the chulent
Kishcake - The crust stuck to the kishke wax
Kishcase - the wax that holds the kishke together
Keichalla - Any usage of egg keichel as a sandwhich board such as
placing a piece of herring between two keichels, or using the
keichel to mop up the herring sauce
Esrogaine - What you need after you pay the high price for an esrog.
Aridvos - arovos that have been stripped of their leaves
Asher yatzurres - the bracha you should make if you're constipated
Arbah Kanfostration - The annoyance of getting your tztitzit caught
in your pant's zipper.
Tzitzistics - The act of counting how many tzitzis you have.
Shaboss - The mother who gives her children strict rules about
cleaning up before Shabbat.
Shabbes Stick - Any lipstick that is permissible for use on
Shabbes.
Adon Adon Olam - The boy who sings Adon olam in the shul. Not
to be confused with the "Ani Anim Zemirot" and the "En
K’en K’elokeinu"
Siduream - Assortment of torn siddur pages or clips stuck into a
siddur.
Drashush - Sounds the congregation makes requesting that people be quiet
for the rav’s drasha
Mazal Toffees - The hard candies thrown at a chatan at his aufruf.
Od Yesmash - The act of breaking the glass under the chuppah.
Aidems - The strong men who are called upon to lift the chatan an
dkallah during the dancing.
Badekink - Any flaw the kallah's parents find at the last second
such as smudged lipstick, eye shadow, a broken heel, etc.
Temple Alav Hashalom - Any temple where the weekly Yahrtzeit
list is larger than the number of shul attendants.
Posul trussle - The gartel (rope, string) tied on the outside of an
unusable Sefer Torah
Ducheninkompoop - a Kohen who intentionally decides that during
duchening, he will sing his own unique tune.
Nagel Vassearch - (note: nowadays, less of a problem); The act of
finding a dry clean place to dry your hands on that huge long
"conveyor" towel that came out of a dispenser.
Tachachamun - Someone who figures out a way to avoid saying
Tachanun by finding a shul that has a chatan or a brit, etc.
Shtiebl-bul - The assortment of unstacked, tossed about
chumashim, siddurim and other sefarim found in shtiebls.
Comments
Little-Known Facts About Snow in Jewish Tradition and Lore
Many traditional Jewish congregations
refuse to count
snowmen in the prayer quorum.
Medieval Jewish mystics practiced
rolling in the snow to
purge themselves from evil urges. They
were the first
snow angels.
Moses Maimonides, 10th century
physician to the Egyptian
Khalif, prescribed snow as a cure for
the hot Cairo
summers.
The elders of Safed have 36 different
words for snow --
but none for snow removal.
During 3 particularly cold Sinai winters,
the Israelites
were led by a pillar of snow.
It is forbidden to write in the snow on
the Sabbath.
Following the great Jerusalem blizzard
of 1900, Zionist
visionary Theodor Herzl proposed the
"Uganda option."
According to some rabbinic authorities,
one must wait six
hours between going out in the snow
and in the rain.
On snowy days, the procession of King
Solomon's immediate
family was pulled by 2,800 reindeer and
1,200 huskies.
Israel's national hockey team
participated in the 1992
Winter Games, dominating both the
Olympic village and
concession area.
On January 9, 1896, a snowball from St.
Patrick's
elementary school landed in Mrs.
Manischewitz's kitchen,
inspiring her to invent matzo ball soup.
Comments
How Much Does My Son Love Me???
Three Jewish mothers were talking about how much their sons love them.
The first one says, "My son loves me so much, he spent $100 on flowers he
sent me the other day."
The second one says, "My son loves me so much, he paid for my trip to
Europe last month.
The third one says, "My son loves me most. He goes to a therapist twice a week,
paying $500 a visit, and all he talks about is me!"
Comments
The Ideal Son-in-Law
The father goes to visit his future son-in-law, who he finds
deeply involved in studying Torah. He sits down and asks the
boy, "So...what are you going to do to make a living?"
"I will study Torah and God will provide", was the young man's
response.
"I see...well, how are you going to provide for my daughter?"
"I will study Torah and God will provide", he answered.
"And what about kids. Who's going to support them?!"
"I will study Torah and God will provide".
Upon arriving home that afternoon, the father's wife met him at the
door.
"So, what did you find out?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans. But the good news
is, he thinks I'm God."
Comments
Insatiable Soup Du Jour
An old Jewish man goes to a diner every day for lunch. He always orders
the soup du jour. One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal.
The old man replies (with Yiddish accent) "Wass goot, but you could give
a little more bread."
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices
of bread. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass goot, but
you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices
of bread. "How was your meal today, sir?" the manager asks. "Wass
goot, but you could give a little more bread," comes the reply.
So ... the next day the manager tells the waitress to give him a whole
loaf of bread with his soup. "How was your meal, sir?" the manager
asks, when he comes to pay. "Wass goot, but you could give just a
little more bread," comes the reply once again.
The manager is now obsessed with seeing this customer say that he is
satisfied with his meal, so he goes to the bakery, and orders a
six-foot-long loaf of bread. When the man comes in as usual the next
day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the
entire length of each half, and lay it out along the counter, right next
to his bowl of soup. The old man sits down, and devours both his bowl
of soup, and both halves of the six-foot-long loaf of bread.
The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for, and
when the old man comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the
usual way: "How was your meal TODAY, sir?"
The old Jew replies: "It wass goot as usual, but I see you are back to
giving only two slices of bread!"
Comments
Jewish Spacewalk
The Jewish astronaut was asked why he was packing a tie with
his spacesuit. He replied, "My mother said that when I do a
spacewalk I should look nice."
Comments
Sports Shuls
O'Brian loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course and get
paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to his favorite
course and the pro said, "I'm sorry O'Brian, but the only group I can
put you with is one with three Chassidic rabbis."
O'Brian says, "That's fine with me."
He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and
off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into
the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak's shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov's
is 300, but slightly off center. O'Brian has trouble with getting out of
the rough and four-putts, while the rabbis' approach shots are right on
the pin, they two-putt for par.
The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi's scores either par or
under par, while O'Brian has a 95. He says to them, "You guys must
play and practice all the time."
Reb Yitzchak says, "No, we study all the time and only play once a week.
But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer asking God to
give us one good round of golf each week."
O'Brian is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife that they
are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to services
every Shabbat.
About a year later, O'Brian runs into the threesome at the same course
and they invite him to play with them. The game is exactly like last
year's.
O'Brian is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect. At the end,
O'Brian says to the rabbis, "I don't understand it. I converted, joined
a shul, pray every week."
Reb Moshe says, "You joined a shul? Which one?"
O'Brian says, "Beth El."
Reb Moshe says, "No, no, no! Beth El is for TENNIS!"
Comments
Spouse Selection
If you marry a Jewish man, make sure he is a Reform Jew. That way, you know
he'll bring home the bacon.
Comments
Storytelling
Gold is telling his friend a story: "One day, Cohen and
Levine were going--"
"Cohen and Levine, Cohen and Levine," the friend stops him
angrily. "Why are your jokes always about Jews? Why don't
you tell them about the Chinese for once?"
Gold is taken aback. "You're right," he says. "One day,
Soo Lung Mu and Mao Tsu Nu were going to Soo Lung Mu's
nephew's Bar Mitzvah....."
Comments
The Bible Salesman
Responding to an ad for Bible salesmen, a man arrived for his interview
and said "I w-w-want to s-s-sell B-B-Bibles."
Naturally, the interviewer was doubtful, but hired the man based on his
references.
To everyone's astonishment, the fellow shortly had the best sales record
in the office. A meeting was called of all of the salesmen where he was
to explain his technique.
"It's easy. I just go to the d-d-door and say 'W-w-would you like to
b-b-buy a B-B-B-Bible, or I c-c-could c-c-c-come in and read it t-t-t-to
you."
Comments
The Suit
Yossel goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The first thing
he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow and hold them
out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a little more ...
that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" Yossel cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in
the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, Yossel lurches out onto the street. Reba and
Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
Comments
Jewish Superman
Q: What does the Jewish Superman say?
A: Up, up and oy vey!!"
Comments
Star Wars Does Fiddler on the Roof
Match Maker
Lyrics by Latifa Berry Kropf
CHORUS: Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match
Find me a find. Catch me a catch
Night after night out in space I¹m alone
So make me a perfect match.
I'm a Princess,
I lead the rebels;
I'm fierce and I'll fight till I die
Defeating the evil Emperor,
I just want a man by my side.
CHORUS
Space travelling¹s exciting however I¹m tired of galactic night
Battling Darth Vader and Jaba ,
I just need someone to hold me tight.
CHORUS
R2D2 and C3PO are quite nice,
but you know they are Droids
I¹m really asking, please hear my prayer,
for a tall handsome humanoid.
So, Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match
Find me a find. Catch me a catch
Please not a wookie or an ewok to snuggle
No Yoda type, remember Luke is my brother.
Obee wan knobee¹s too old and he¹s dead
So I¹ll take Hans Solo instead.
Comments
Synagogue Hostages
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul
and takes the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage.
Hours later, the governor stands tough, he won't give them a million
dollars, nor a getaway car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them
that things look bad and they're going to have to shoot them.
Nevertheless, to show that they're not really a bad bunch, they'll
grant each hostage one wish.
"Please," says the rabbi, "for the last two months I've been working
on my Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without
having ever said it before an audience. I'll go happily if you let me
recite my sermon. It's an hour - ninety minutes long, tops."
They promise to grant him the wish. "Please," says the cantor,
"after 50 years I've finally gotten the 'Hinneni' prayer just right.
What a waste to die and not sing it to an audience. It's only about
45 minutes long - then I'll go happily."
The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they
turn to the shul president.
"Please," says the president with tears in his eyes, "Shoot me first!"
Comments
Synagogue Contractor
A certain Baal T'shuvah [newly observant Orthodox Jewish]
contractor decided it would be a great learning opportunity and
mitzvah [good deed, in this context] to build for himself and
his family a "completely Kosher house." By this, he meant a house
designed and built with scrupulous care to meet all standards of
Jewish law and tradition.
He went to talk it over with his Rabbi, and after some discussion,
they thought this would be an excellent project for his spiritual,
and even professional development. The Rabbi found appropriate study
materials and they decided a year would be a good goal for the
time-frame in which to study and prepare. After that year was done,
they would then decide if the project was still feasable considering
local building codes, the man's skill, cost, and available materials
and labor.
The contractor and Rabbi worked hard that year, finding and studying
from the most obvious to the most obscure hallachot [laws and traditions]
and commentaries upon them throughout Jewish history. It is to their
great credit that they were still dicovering new material to study even
into the last month of their allotted year. At the end of the year,
the contractor decided he could probably study for another entire year,
but there was always the risk that at the end of that year he would
still feel there was more to study, and the house would still not be
built. The Rabbi told him he had learned a lesson worthy of a year's
study.
The contractor decided to take a year from his business and leave it
in his brother's hands as he worked on building his house. He had to
do most of the work with his own hands because it was difficult to
find another Jew knowledgable enough in this specialized field to
help him with the work who wouldn't miss some obscure point of law and
possibly render the work invalid. He worked on the house from sunup to
sundown six days per week (except holidays) stopping at appropriate
times for prayer and continuing his studies whenever the weather
prohibited construction work. His devotion to the task was phenomenal,
and he even got written-up in several magazines and newspapers of
Jewish interest (and the religion section of one or two secular
newspapers). From drawing the plans to final paint and detail work,
the house went up in a year of hard work, and it was a "completely
Kosher house."
When the house was finally completed it was a great simcha [joyous
occasion] for the contractor, his family, and indeed, the whole
community, as everyone had taken an interest in the project and its
development. There were even some who had spoken to him about building
a house for them when the construction of his own house was completed.
Toasts were made, brachot [blessings] were said, the mezzuzah
[ornamental box containing a hand-written scroll of excerpts from the
Law] was hung on the doorframe, and leftover food was carried home (it
couldn't be a proper Jewish celebration unless more food than needed
for twice the celebrants was brought). Finally, when all the guests had
left, the contractor and his family entered the house.
As the front door slammed shut, there was a great rumbling noise, and
the house fell down in ruins all around the family. (Nobody was hurt,
thank goodness.) The contractor was heartbroken to see two years of
sweat and study and a great deal of material cost come crashing down
around his ears. He discussed the matter with his Rabbi, and asked why
this should happen to him, and even why should it happen at all. He had
been diligently careful to follow the advice of every scholar and sage he
had read. For that matter, the house met all applicable secular building
codes and should have been solid and standing strong for his great
grandchildren to enjoy. "How could this have happened?" he asked.
"You know," said the Rabbi, "Rashi asked the very same question...."
Backround note: 'Rashi' is an abbreviation for Rabbi Schlomo ben Issac,
whose clearly written commentaries usually serve as the first source beyond
the primary text for any Jewish scholarship. Not all scholars agree with
him on every matter, but all acknowledge the great quality of his work.
Comments
Synagogue Seating Request Form
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed concern over
the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you
in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following
questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible:
1. I would prefer to sit in the
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
2. If talking, which sub-category do you prefer?
___ Stock market ___ My neighbors
___ Sports ___ My relatives
___ Medicine ___ The rabbi
___ General gossip ___ The cantor
___ Specific gossip ___ The gabbai
___ Fashion news ___ The Prime Minister
___ Sex
specify __________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near so that for free
professional advice:
___ Lawyer ___ Accountant
___ Doctor ___ Stockbroker
___ Chiropractor ___ Real estate agent
___ Sexologist ___ Dentist
3. I want a seat located
___ near my in-laws ___ near the pulpit
___ far from my in-laws ___ near the Kiddush table
___ far from my ex-in-laws ___ near the exit
4. I wish to be seated in a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
___ I can sleep during services
___ I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
___________________________
___________________________
___________________________
Your name: __________________________
Phone number: _______________
Comments
Syrian Airlines
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174
announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the
mideast OTHER than Israel."
No answer.
A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We
have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the
mid-East OTHER than Israel."
No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in
need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any
airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have
only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are
going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East,
INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:
"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."
"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."
Comments
Tailor Shop Competition
A sign on David's Tailor Shop in Paris elegantly boasts: "Dave's Tailor Shop:
The finest cuts in all of Paris!"
A sign on Moishe's Tailor Shop, next door to David's Tailor Shop modestly
claims: "Who needs to say we're the finest in Paris? We're just happy to be
the best on the block!"
Comments
Tales of a Huppa Holder
by Allison Kaplan
Jewish wedding tradition, so I’ve been told, considers carrying the huppa
(ritual canopy held over over bride and groom in Jewish weddings) to be a
higher honor than the more social conventions of serving as a bridesmaid
or groomsman.
Having stood up in a wedding for the first time this past weekend -- as a
huppa holder, no less--I can understand why carrying the bridal canopy is
a position held in such high esteem. Much more can go wrong when you’re
balancing a quarter of the bride and groom’s symbolic home than when you’re
just holding a bouquet and looking pretty.
I was very much aware, throughout my appointment as huppa holder, that if
I went down, the very fabric of the bride and groom’s house would collapse.
I didn’t fall. But thank goodness for wedding rehearsals.
It hadn’t crossed my mind, prior to my cousin’s wedding rehearsal, that
weddings don’t just spontaneously come to order, with couples expertly
waltzing two-by-two down the aisle at precisely the right moments.
Enter: the wedding planner.
At once, my cousin’s wedding planner had us quietly lined up single file,
afraid to so much as breathe until she sternly whispered "go".
But more than her orchestrating abilities, I’ve never seen someone so
prepared. I’d like to hire a wedding planner just to follow me around so
I wouldn’t have to carry a purse. If a button pops off my jacket, she’s
got thread to fix it. If I get a little hungry, she brings snacks that
won’t stain (white food, this is apparently called in the wedding world).
And if the snack leaves an aftertaste, no problem. The wedding planner
always carries mints!
No wonder wedding planners don’t come cheap.
The day of the big event, we huppa holders required an extra practice
session. And it’s a good thing, because our whole routine had been disrupted.
The smooth, bare bamboo poles we used in the rehearsal were now covered
with delicate leaves and flowers. I could barely find a place to grab hold.
And the stairs. There hadn’t been any stairs when we practiced. Now there
were two. Having nearly lost my balance when the huppa pole stayed on the
first step as I ascended to the second, I learned the most important rule
in huppa holding: Raise that pole up high.
It must have looked good when the four of us reached the bimah (stage) and
spread out to our appointed corners without ripping the huppa. Now all I had
to do was stand quietly--glancing from time to time to make sure the huppa
wasn’t resting on the over 6-foot-tall groom’s head.
The rabbi offered perhaps the most important piece of wedding advice just
before we went on. I was expecting some philosophical thoughts on love,
commitment and attending Friday night services. But the rabbi came through
with these practical words I contemplated throughout the entire ceremony:
Don’t lock your knees!
Just as I was feeling a little fidgety on stage, worried the muscles in my
hand could very well be permanently locked around that bamboo pole, the
bride addressed me. "Psst," she said. "Move over".
Move over? The stage was all of four feet wide. And hey, the wedding planner
never said the bride was allowed to boss me during the ceremony. So I
evaluated the huppa, certain that my pole was not properly angled, and
therefore causing the fabric to hang askew in a manner bothersome to the
bride.
Not the case. But my cousin told me again to move, this time motioning which
direction with her bouquet. The rabbi, meanwhile, was pouring wine or
something.
Thankfully I got the message without causing her to miss an important
question. My cousin was afraid our seriously petite grandma couldn’t see and
wanted me to scoot out of her sight line. Not the treatment an honorable
huppa holder might expect, but for my grandma, I can let it go.
I’ve attended a lot of weddings in the last couple of years--now that my
friends are approaching their sobering mid-to-late-twenties. But the
experience of being part of the wedding--especially for someone with whom I
used to play pretend fast food restaurant (we took the orders, our brothers
played customers)--is rather extraordinary.
I think my cousin put it best, as we were summoned from the dressing room
to pose for bridal party pictures. Looking like she had stepped out of a
fairy tale, my cousin the bride turned to me and said, "Isn’t this just the
weirdest thing we’ve ever done?"
That, indeed, it was.
Comments
Speak Yiddish!
On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to
her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the
mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!"
An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you
insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?"
Replied the mother, "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."
Comments
Tallis Dry Cleaning
Rosh Hashona was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie
needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask
what dry cleaner to take it to.
Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th.
He only charges $4.00" So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the
ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets
the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does.
Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for
$24.00. He storms at Mr Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?"
"I did, " said Mr Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all '
the knots out of the fringes!"
Comments
The Talmudic Origin of the Web
The Talmudists among you may find this amusing. It comes from Tractate
Kombutra.
Rabbi Tarfon of Bet She'an said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of
Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of
Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the
daughter of Pinchas, who begat Yechezkel, who begat Rabbi Shlomo ben
Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya
performed the mitzvah of web site design.
Rabbi Michal ben Elkanah, who only had one eye, said: But is it not
also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher?
Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: It is true, but as it is written: "A
web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP
protocol."
Rabbi Eliezer asked: Why does it specifically mention that the web
browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written elsewhere
that a web browser may use any protocol? Because the gopher protocol
is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy systems.
One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron
and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi
Shmaryahu of Hevron. Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but
instead gave him a personal web server for his own use. At this point
Rabbi Yehudah ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron: Why did
you refuse this man's request, but instead give him a personal web
server for his own use? Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied: It [the
Mishnah] teaches: "When a poor man comes into your home and asks for
disk space on your web site, first ascertain whether he is going to
use it for his own purpose or for the purpose of idol worship. If he
is going to use it for his own purpose, grant him the space he asks,
unless it exceeds twenty ephraot [one ephrah ~ 213 kilobytes], in
which case you may refer him to a local Internet service provider, for
as it is written: It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither
are you free to desist from it. If he is going to use it for the
purpose of idol worship, then do not give him the space, but instead
rebuke him, that he might see the error of his ways and refrain from
idol worship."
Rabbi Gideon of Sh'chem disagreed, saying: It [the Mishnah] also
teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must
grant it without asking why he is going to use it." Why would the
Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server?
Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said: Rabbi Eliezer said: Why does it
specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher
protocol, when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any
protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious, since
it enables support of legacy systems. Similarly, the FTP protocol is
especially meritorious. Therefore, it is unfair to deny a poor man
access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain from
giving a poor man access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can still
serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put his
files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP are
unreliable.
Comments
Talmudic Coffee
Two Talmud students engage in an argument.
One says, "What sweetens the coffee is the sugar put in it?"
The second says, "Thats wrong. What sweetens the coffee is the
act of stirring.
"Then," inquires the first one. "Why do you put sugar in the
coffee?"
"That's simple," answers the second one, "To know when you have
to stop stirring.
Comments
Talmudic Debate
There once were two rabbis who could not agree, and one of them says,
"If I'm right, let a heavenly voice declare it!"
Sure enough, a voice thunders "He is right!".
But then the second Rabbi says, "It's written "'lo bashamaim hi', the Torah
is not in heaven, but with us. Therefore it our rule to interpret the law
ourselves, and not to look for signs or omens."
And the house of study agrees that is the rule, and decides the law in
accordance with the second Rabbi's viewpoint.
Then another heavenly voice is heard: "My children have defeated me at my
own game!"
Comments
Talmudic Reasoning
A man once asked his Rabbi to Explain the meaning of "Talmudic
Reasoning."
The Rabbi replied: "Well, it's not too easy to explain, but I
think I can demonstrate it to you and you will get the point.
I will ask you a simple question and you give the answer.
Are you ready?"
The man was ready, so the Rabbi continued: "Imagine that two
men come out of a chimney, one is dirty, the other clean.
Which one takes a bath?" The intrigued listener immediately
replied: "That's easy, Rabbi. The dirty one takes the bath."
"Not so," said the Rabbi. "The Talmud would explain that when
the men came out, the dirty one looked at the clean one and saw
a clean face. Meanwhile the clean one looked at the dirty one
and saw a dirty face."
A knowing look, complete with broad smile, flashed onto the
man's face. The Rabbi continued, "Now tell me which one takes
the bath?" The answer was quick and sure. "Now I get it Rabbi,
the clean one takes the bath!"
The Rabbi looked just a bit unhappy, but he answered patiently,
"No. You see, the Talmud would go on to ask: 'How could two men
come out of a chimney and one be clean and the other dirty?"
Comments
Tax Deductions
An Internal Revenue inspector walks into a synagogue
and asks to see the rabbi.
He is shown to the rabbi's office and is offered a seat.
"Rabbi, I believe a member of your syagogue, Mr Klutz,
states on his tax return that he has donated $100,000 to the synagogue.
Tell me, Rabbi, is this correct?"
The Rabbi answers, "Yes, he will."
Comments
Dad, Can I Borrow the Car?
A young boy had just received his drivers license. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took
him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
home good grades, study your bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll
talk about the use of the car."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they
could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your
hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair..." to which his father
replied, "Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!"
Comments
Tel Aviv Apartment
Q: What do you call an 18 story condo in Tel Aviv?
A: A Chai Rise.
Comments
A Jew in Texas
A Jewish man passing thru Texas for a few day stay on business
checked into a rooming house in a very what you would call a
frontier town.
Not to be conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and
went in to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in
cowboy clothes, wearing six shooters and looking very gruff.
He ordered a beer. While sipping his beer and trying to be as
inconspicuous as possible the biggest burliest, scroungiest
looking speciman walks in and proclaims, "Ah hears there is a
Jew in here!"
The Jewish man cringes, says nothing.
"Ah know you're in here and you better speak up," says the
Western man.
The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face
up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish especially
in such a remote place as this.
He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"
The Westerner stares at him angrily, "What the HELL are you hiding
for? Come with me, ah needs you for a minyan."
Comments
How Disgusting!
A woman called her neighbor to say, "Your
son is a pervert and a disgrace to the Jews," she said
to the boy's mother.
The mother was aghast -- her yeshiva bocher (Jewish parochial school
student) a pervert? She waited for him to come home from school
and asked
him why the neighbor was so upset.
He shrugged. "They belong to
the Reform
Temple," he said, "and Sally saw my t'fillin bag and asked me
what it was."
"So?" asked the mother, "what did you do to make Sally's mother
call you a
pervert?"
"I offered to show Sally my phylacteries, and she ran into her house."
Comments
There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00..."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye...I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present:
"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Comments
Theology
A Priest and a Rabbi, who have been the best of friends for years,
were always arguing the finer points of thier respective
theologies, trying to prove the other one was wrong.
One day they were riding in a car, they got cut off by a drunk
driver.
The car flew off the road, rolled five times end-over-end, and
came to rest on it's roof. The Priest and Rabbi crawled from the
wreckage and were amazed they were alive.
As the Priest crossed himself, he noticed the Rabbi doing the
same.
The Priest shouts "Praise Be! You've seen the Light!"
"What?" said the Rabbi.
"You-you've crossed yourself. You have seen the True Way!
This is wonderful."
"Cross myself?!? No no no. I was just checking everything
was OK. 'Spectacles, Testicles, Wallet and Watch.'"
Comments
The Little Thespian
Little Avela comes home from Yeshiva second grade and proudly
announces to Mama Esther, "Ima (Mother), you will be proud of me. I
got a part in the school play as the Aba (Father)!"
Esther was furious and grabbed Avela by the arm and took Avela write
back to the school and demanded to meet with Reb
Blickstein, the principal.
"Come in, Mrs. Cohen. How good it is to see you and what a nice
bright and talented son you have there in Avela," spoke the Reb.
"Well then," replied Mama Esther, " Why didn't he get a speaking part
in the school play?????!!!!!"
Comments
The Golf Match
The Pope met with the Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon
Peres, leader of the Jewish nation.
"Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to
determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging
you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had
never held a golf club in his life. "Not to worry," said the
Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll
make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres....we can't lose!"
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of
course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, "Cardinal Nicklaus" reported to the
Vatican to inform the Pope of the results of the match. "I came in
second, your holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second!?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to
Shimon Peres!!??"
"No," Nicklaus said, "second to Rabbi Tiger Woods."
Comments
Fasting
from A
Treasury of Jewish Folklore
On the fast day of Tisha Ba'Ab a sick Jew went to see the rabbi in
order to get his permission to eat, for he was afraid his health
would suffer if he didn't. But, as he entered the rabbi's house, he
was struck dumb with amazement when he saw the rabbi enjoying a
hearty lunch.
"Rabbi," he faltered, not at all sure of himself, "I'm a sick man--do I
have to fast today?"
"What a question!" replied the rabbi, his mouth full of roast duck.
"Of course you do!"
For a moment the petitioner stood in bewilderment, not knowing
whether he was coming or going. Finally, he scraped up sufficient
courage to ask, "Pardon my impertinence, Rabbi, but how can you order
me to fast when you yourself are eating?"
"I wasn't fool enough to ask the rabbi," replied the rabbi with a
grin and went on with his lunch.
Comments
Titanic Torah
by Rabbi Marc Friedman
THE TWO MOVIES THAT WON THE OSCAR
THIS YEAR 5758
How many of you watched the Oscars this year?
How many of you watched to the very end?
Really? The next time somebody complains that our services were too long, I
will remind you of how long that show was.
What struck me, as I watched a small part of it, was Billy Crystal's line:
How things have changed..last year Washington was complaining that there was too
much sex in Hollywood...this year it is the other way around..
And the other thing that struck me was that two movies won an Academy Award this
year that on the surface seem to have nothing whatsoever in common.
One was a movie that everyone seems to have seen...and the other was a movie that
hardly anybody has seen, and yet, I believe that these two movies, taken together,
represent the flip side of the same coin, and that these two movies, taken together,
have much to say to each other. And to us.
The first movie, the one that everybody but me seems to have seen is "Titanic".
I haven't gone to see it for two reasons..one is that there is no suspense, I
already know how it ends.
And two...any movie that is over 3 hours long...I will have to wait until I retire
before I have time to see it.
The other movie was "The Long Way Home" which won the Oscar as "Best Documentary
of the Year".
It is a movie, produced by the Weisenthal Center in Los Angeles, that tells the
story of those Holocaust survivors, who somehow made their way to Palestine, and
rebuilt their lives after the war.
What is the connection between these two movies?
I think it is: "Titanic" tells the story of a ship, that everyone thought was
indestructable ... that was destroyed,
And "The Long Way Home" tells the story of a people that everyone thought was
destroyed, that turned out to be indestructable.
The question that intruiges me is: Why did the Titanic sink and why did
the Jewish people survive when everyone would have predicted that it would be
the other way around?
My guess is that the reason the Titanic sank...is because those who made it,
and those who sailed it, were overconfident...they were convinced that they
had built something so marvelous, so magnificent, that it could never be
destroyed...
Whereas the Jewish people felt the other way around...they felt that they were
on the very edge of destruction, they felt that they had been almost almost
wiped off the face of the earth, and therefore, if they did not take desperate
measures, they would not survive.
There are now a whole slew of books out, about the Titanic...for some reason,
people seem to be fascinated with the story....
And in one of these books, there is a picture....I didn't buy the book but I
browsed through it in the bookstore, and I saw a remarkable picture. On the day
that the ship set sail, there was a banner on it, and the banner said; in large
letters..."even G-d can't sink this ship". That's arrogance, that is
overconfidence, that is what the Greeks calls hubris, that is what the Jews
call chutspa. The people who built the Titanic, and the people who sailed it,
were so smug, so arrogant, so sure of the invincibility of what they had made,
that they sailed straight into destruction...
Whereas the Jews have learned to sail through the storm waters of history,
carefully, and cautiously, and with full awareness that at any given moment,
the flood waters of hatred or the storms of anti-Semitism may sweep over
them....
There was a great scholar, who taught at Brandeis university, named Shimon
Ravidowitz, who wrote an essay that deserves reading and rereading. The name
of the essay is "The Ever Dying People" and the thesis of the essay is that, in
every generation, the leaders of the Jewish people felt that we are the last
generation...that it is almost over now...that, either because of anti-Semitism
from the outside or because of assimilation and atrophy on the inside, we
Jews are just about finished... and because they felt that way, they did
whatever had to be done, to keep the ship of Jewish destiny afloat...at least for
one more generation.
If the Titanic was sunk, because of the overconfidence of its builders, the
Jewish people have survived because of the determination of its leaders..
That is what "The Long Journey Home" is all about...it is the story of a people
that has been counted out, the shards, the broken people, the wounded and the
maimed, physically and spiritually, who came out of the concentration
camps ... barely alive .... who crawled onto those illegal boats, and filled
them, beyond capacity, and sailed thru the British blockade, and got to Palestine.
And there, began life over again, and rebuilt themselves, and rebuilt the land,
did so, even though everyone else thought they were finished, theirs is one of
the great stories of human resilience in all of history,
If the lesson of the Titanic is: al tivtichu bindivim, biven adam she eyn lo
tishua...do not put your trust in people, for they are only human, the lesson
of "The Long Journey Home is": put your trust in people ... for if they have
courage and determination, they can accomplish the superhuman.
Let me tell you a story, that is so strange, that it is hard to believe ... but
it is true.
There were two brothers in America, who were very famous...Nathan and Isadore
Straus, they were multi millionaires, and they were considered among the
greatest philanthropists in this country,
The two of them, Nathan and Isadore, together with their wives, took a tour of
Europe in l9l2, they enjoyed all the cultural sites of the continent ... the
museums, the operas, the theatres, the palaces ... and then, they got the idea
of going to visit Palestine for a while. They hopped over from Europe to spend
a few days in the Holy Land, and, as happened, wherever they went, these two
philanthropists were given VIP treatment,
They were shown the holy places, and the cities, they were shown the yeshivas
and the artists colonies. They were given the royal tour, as is customary when
distinguished philanthropists visit a country. And then,after a week, Isadore
Straus and his wife said: ok, already, it is enough...how many camels and how
many yeshivas and how many hovels can you see? If you've seen one, you've seen
them all. It is time to go..
But Nathan Straus and his wife refused to leave. Somehow the sight of the Holy
Land, and the sight of so many people living there in abject poverty, took hold
of him ... and he couldn't pull himself away.
The two brothers argued: finally, Isadore said to his brother ... OK you stay
here, if you insist, we're going back to America, where we belong ... and so
they separated.
Nathan Straus stayed in Palestine, and while he was there, he donated money for
the creation of a lovely city, on the shore of the Mediteranean...
And since he was the chief donor, they named the city after him ... his name in
Hebrew was Natan, so they named the city: Natanya.
And his brother, Isadore?? He went back to Europe, and got there just in time to
make the connection....and so, on April l0, l9l2, he and his wife, Ida, boarded
the Titanic in Southhampton ... and five days later, they were amongst the l500
other passengers and crewmen who went down to a watery grave.
Isadore Straus died on the Titanic.
And Nathan Straus missed the boat...
But not really ... unlike his brother, he felt that he had a rendezvous with
history ... and for the rest of his life, he lived with a sense that he had almost
died ... and that he must have been saved for a reason ... and he gave of his
means and gave of his time and gave of his energy to doing good.
I think that the lesson of these two movies is clear: If you live with smugness
and certainty and overconfidence, you end up with disaster, but if you live with
awareness, and conviction and determination, and if you live with the knowledge
that life is tough and life is dangerous, and that you are always on the edge ...
you may win out.
I think of two groups whose lives prove this truth.
I think of that motley mob that left Egypt on this day, some 3200 years ago. If
any reporters had been there to cover the story ... If CNN had been there that
day, and had seen them leave, what would they have said?? That this bedraggled
group ill equipped for desert travel, with no military experience whatsoever, which
had left so quickly that it hadn't even waited for its bread to rise, would never
make it thru the wilderness.
If Jimmy the Greek had been asked to give odds on whether this group would make it
or not, can you imagine the odds he would have given? Smart money would have said:
no way,
And 50 years ago? When those broken people, whose lives are described in "The Long
Way Home", when they swam ashore in Palestine, and defied the British police who
were looking for them, so that they could send them back to Europe....
Would anyone living then have predicted that they would not only be able to
rebuild their lives but that they would build together a state that would be the
strongest in the Middle East, that would have the best hospital between Europe and
the Far East, that would have the most highly developed computer industry East of
Silicon Valley, who would have believed it? But they did.
The Titanic sunk...and these little boats, which were barely seaworthy survived...
gleib nisht in nissim.....how can you not believe in wonders?
and so, when we sit at our seder tonight,
Let us learn from the story of what happened to Isadore Straus, not to be so
arrogant, and so overconfident, and so proud of what human beings can do...
And let us learn from the story of what happened to Nathan Straus to be proud, and
to be confident of what human beings, who have a purpose beyond themselves, and
who believe in a sacred cause, and who have the help of G-d, can do.
Comments
Today I Am a Jew -- Ouch!
Circumcision: A Dialogue
By Sam Apple
It has come to my attention that there is a small but growing number of
Jewish men who resent that the foreskins of their penises were removed
without their consent. According to these disgruntled men, their sexual
pleasure has been impaired for life because their parents chose to
participate in an archaic ritual under the commandment of a God in whom
these men had never sworn their allegiance. Some have chosen to undergo a
delicate surgery to recover the tips of their penises. Others are content
hoping that by raising their voices now, future eight-day-old boys will not
suffer the same injustice. After much consideration, I have decided that I
too am against unconsentual circumcision. And so I have decided that when
my son reaches his eighth day, he will be allowed to make the decision for
himself.
Of course, my son, no matter how precocious, cannot be expected to carry on
a dialogue after the first week of his life. And so I have assumed my
future baby boy to be, like his father, a rational agent and taken the
liberty of carrying out the dialogue on his behalf:
Me: Hello, my son.
Son: Papa.
Me: How are you doing, my son? I heard you screaming. Do you need a diaper
change?
Son: I'm OK, Papa.
Me: Something to drink maybe? Apple juice?
Son: Papa, I'm fine.
Me: You sure?
Son: Yes! Stop nagging me, Papa.
Me: Stop nagging you? Eight days old and look at the way he talks to his
father! You know what you grandpa would have done if I had spoken to him
that way?
Son: I'm sorry, Papa.
Me: You know, if you weren't so tiny, I'd give that soft tush of yours a
slap right now.
Son: Papa, I said I was sorry.
Me: Where in the hell did you learn to talk like that? From that big mouth
of your mother's sister I bet.
Son: Papa, don't say mean things about Aunt Rifka.
Me: Why shouldn't I? That crazy lady tried to convince your mother not to
marry me. And to this day I swear she gave me the evil eye at our wedding.
I had to spit three times in the middle of the service to wipe off the curse.
Son: Please, just drop it, Papa.
Me: Drop it? That's it! One more smart thing out of your mouth, and I'm
going to cut off the foreskin of your penis whether you like it or not.
Son: The what?
Me: You know, the tip of your weewee.
Son: Oh....well....go ahead. You're the one who's going to be up all night
with my screaming.
Me: Then it's agreed. Your foreskin will be removed.
Based on this hypothetical dialogue, I have decided that when the time
comes I will circumcise my son. My hope is that later in life he will be
thankful to be a part of the Jewish people. And if he isn't, I'll cut off
the rest of the little jerk's weewee.
Comments
Top Ten Jewish Olympic Sports
100 yard kid-dash
Shalshelet Slalom
Shacharacing
Synchronized shuckling
Psukei Dezimrah - Shacharit Chazan relay
Hagbah lifting - with the weight on different sides
Shat"z Put
Esrog juggling
Tfillin Winding
20 Meter Mikvah sky dive
Comments
Top Ten Ways to Mispronounce "Ehud Barak"
Internet Stock
Argyle Sock
Barakman Turner Overdrive
Furry Ewok
Ehuddi Wan Kenobi
Chewbaraka
Ehuddi and the Barakfish
Johan Sebastian Barak
Netanyahu Got Rocked
Bob Barker
Comments
Top Ten Names for Shuls
Cong. Rodeph Nashim
Temple Ohev Keseph
Agudat Yeshainim
Anshei Ploni
Ochlei Kishke
Temple Sigh Nigh
Heichal Hashmoozers
Temple Alav Hashalom
Temple Manuel (found in Hispanic neighborhoods)
Shomrei Hadust
Comments
Torah Definitions
The following definition I dedicate to the new breed of idealistic
Torah scholars who are trying too hard to make their mark on the
world, and giving Torah a bad name in the process (no names will be
provided upon request).
Halakha-kaka: noun. The apparently erudite application of Halakha to a
global problem whose complexity enhances the lack of grasp the
pronouncer has upon the real issues, halakhic accumen notwithstanding.
Consolation: Don't be so quick to fix something before understanding
fully how it is broken. Torah isn't going anywhere anytime soon.
(grin)
Comments
What do you call a Torah with a seat belt?
A Safer Torah!
Comments
Torah Troubles
One Shabbos the Gabbai of the shul calls Greenberg up for
Haggba (lifting the Torah). Unfortunately, Greenberg is not
exactly strong. As you can probably guess, he almost dropped
the Torah.
He was so embarrassed, that he vowed never to let
that happen again. So right after Shabbos he joined a health
club. He started pumping iron, taking aerobics, ballet etc.
Well sure enough after six months, the Gabbai calls him up
to the Torah. Greenberg runs up, grabs the Torah, open it
seven columns throws it in the air does a double flip, and
catches it behind his back. He turns to the Gabbai, "Nu, how
was that" The Gabbai responded," great, but you had maftir.
Comments
Torah Honors
A gabbai [person who assigns honors in the synagogue] joke for the New Year.
A man is called up for hagbah [person who lifts the torah scroll after the
reading is completed], and makes a mess of it; he nearly drops the sefer [torah
scroll].
Embarassed by this the man vows that it will never happen again. He
joins a gym, pumps iron, and builds up a great body.
About a year later he is called up again. He unrolls the sefer to 6
columns, executes a perfect hagbah, showing the sefer to all directions,
sits down wit ha straight back and with perfect control. Hold the scroll
proudly, he turns to the gabbai and asks "How's that?"
Gabbai sez - "Not bad for shlishi [The third of seven people called to recite
blessings over the reading of the torah]."
Comments
Tractate Aufruf
The following was published on the HUCALUM List by Dr. Allen Podet:
We've had a rush of Auf-Ruf's recently . In order to properly
deal with the sticky question of the CANDY TOSS, this recently
discovered section from TRACTATE AUFRUF was used as the authority:
(2:1) We distribute the candies when the person for shishi is called
to the Torah. Beis Shammai says: when achron is called up. (from the
Gemara: when do they distribute at shishi? Surely not when the
chosson is called up for shishi! Rather, this describes a case in
which the chosson is called for maftir)
(2:2) Originally they used to throw hard candies, but when they
caused harm to the gabboim, the rabbis enacted that they should only
throw Fruit Chews.(Rambam, in Hilchos Simchat v'Seudot, notes that
many have the custom not to throw red Fruit Chews during Elul "because
of the judgment.")
(2:3) Originally they would bring the candies in baskets of silver and
gold. But when Mrs. Schapiro complained that the wedding was costing
enough already, they brought [the candies] in [baskets of] wicker.
(2:4)We may not violate the Sabbath to bring the candies. But the
following do override [the Sabbath]: the passing, the throwing, the
recovery, the unwrapping and the eating. R' Kasha says: we may unwrap
only if we don't tear letters [on the wrappers]. R' Varnishkes says:
if we don't tear "Sunkist" and [the] OU [symbol].
(3:1) The children pass in the aisles and distribute the candies. How
do they distribute them? They go from row to row, giving a handful of
candies to the person seated on the aisle, saying "Take and throw,
take and throw." The handful of each child is according to his size.
(3:2) It is prohibited to eat the candies before throwing them. But
R' Kreppel permits it. (from the Gemara: But if he eats his candies,
he cannot throw them!) R' Kreppel was discussing a case in which he
was given more than one candy: such a person may eat as long as he keeps
one for the throwing. And what is the brachah for the Fruit Chews?
"Shehakol," the words of the Sages. "Borei p'ri ha-eitz," the words of
R' Ploni. "Are you kidding?," ask the sages. And R' Yankel says, "over
the beige ones, we do not make a brachah, because they are a curse."
But a baraisa says "over the beige ones, we do not make a brachah,
because they are not even food." Why do we worry if they are a curse if
they are not even food [in the first place]? R' Schmaltz says it is
because of the end of the baraisa: "R'Blinchiki says: we make borei
meenay besomim, because they smell." R'Yankel means to say that we do
not make even this brachah, because they smell like a curse.)
(3:3) If he wants throw candies he has brought with him in his tallis
bag, R' Kreppel permits [them to be thrown]. R' Varnishkes prohibits
it. The Sages praised those who added [candies] to the throwing. The
gabboim only praised if they [the candies] were not hard.
(3:4) When do they throw? After he finishes reading from the Torah.
These are the words of R' Kasha. But R' Varnishkes says after he
blesses. (from the Gemara: After which blessing [does R' Varnishkes say we
throw]? Surely not after the blessing of "asher bachar banu," for the
throwing would separate between the blessing and the reading [from
theTorah]. And if you would say after the blessing after the
Prophets, no one would be paying attention any longer and the chazzan
would be pelted when he begins "Yekum purkan" and woke everyone up.
Rather, R' Varnishkes says we throw after the chosson finishes the
berachah of "asher natan lanu.")
(3:5) How do they throw? Overhand, with the right hand, but if he
threw with the left hand, he has fulfilled his obligation. If he
threw underhand, it is as if he hasn't thrown. (there is a lengthy and
unresolved debate in the Gemara (15a - 76b) about whether a
left-handed person should throw with his left, or right, hand.)
(3:6) Originally, they would leave the candies where they were, but
when the janitors complained, they sent the children to pick up the
candies. There are those who say it is a segulah for [finding a good]
shidduch to collect many candies. But Mrs. Shapiro says it is a
segulah for going to the dentist.
Comments
Judaism - Traditional Vs. Reform
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew
Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a
sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.
Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.
Trad'l: Will not combine meat with milk.
Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.
Trad'l: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.
Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.
Trad'l: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the
presence of the divine.
Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page
everyone is on.
Trad'l: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.
Reform: Women and men sit together, dancing suggestively.
Trad'l: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.
Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.
Jewish Year: Current year plus 3760.
Jewish Dog Year: Current year plus 3760, multiplied by 7.
Comments
Translation
What word beginning with "A" means "prince" in Jewish?
A doctor!
Comments
Tzaddik
Chaim was the kindest, gentlest, most generous and faithful man
the shtetl had ever known, despite the fact that he wasn't very
bright. Because of his tzedaka, however, his counsel was often
sought. One day the people asked him, "Which is more
important -- the sun, or the moon?"
He thought for a moment, then replied, "The moon is more important
than the sun."
"Why would you say that?" they asked.
"Because it shines at night when we need it the most."
Comments
You Know You're in Israel When ...
-You cross the street and a car purposely speeds up and honks
only when you have gotten to the sidewalk safely
-When a cab will not take you where you want to go simply because
he is not going that way.
-When every woman is wearing a high skirt, high black boots, and
has dyed red hair. . . at the beach.
-When a cab driver is driving a car nicer than our parents drive
-When an employee yells at you for asking them for help.How
fired would they be at home?SO FIRED!
-When everybody in the restaurant you are eating at has a "pele
phone" but had to take the bus to get there.
-When an old lady will physically harm you to get on the bus and
you find yourself actually fighting back.
-When there are TV's and VCR's on the buses, but no bathrooms.
-When any time you go to the bank or the post office they are
closed..
-When you have to organize your day around going to the bank or
the post office.
-When an Israeli describes a popular place as being "famous".
-When you get a call from an Israeli and they say in an Israeli
accent "You know who is it?"
-When an experienced tour guide gets you lost in the middle of
nowhere in the Golan Heights or in the desert.
-When you are at a bus stop and the bus driver deliberately
drives off without you.
-When there is a free All-You-Can-Eat buffet at the Supersol.
-When you have to figure out how to flush the toilet.
-When your bowel movements are anything but regular.
-When you have to hunt down your waitress to get your bill.
-When you look like shit and then an Israeli still insists that
you are beautiful.
-When you have to scream at the driver to stop long enough for
everyone to get off the bus.
-When people eat at 11:30 p.m., come home at 5 a.m., and go to
work at 7 a.m.
-When the "hafsaka" in the movie is in the middle of the main scene.
-When you go to someone's house and they feed you till your pants
split.
-When you find twenty relatives you never knew you had.
-When nothing is a "problem", but everything is a big "balagan".
Comments
Deserted Island
A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for
the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking
without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Eskin and its steward Benny who managed to swim
to the closest island.
After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying
and very upset that they would never be found. The other man
was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.
"Dr. Eskin, Dr. Eskin, how can you be so calm?" cried the
Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. We'll never
be discovered here."
"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began
the confident Dr. Eskin. "Five years ago I gave the United Way
$500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal.
I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years
ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed
$750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two
charities each got a million dollars."
"So what?" shouted Benny.
"Well, it's time for their annual fund drives, and I know they're
going to find me," smiled Dr. Eskin.
Comments
Ukranian Use for a Jewish Newspaper???
A Ukrainian "pan" (wealthy merchant) and a Jew happen to travel in the
same compartment of a train. And, as always in cases like this, the
Ukrainian is only happy to show his spite to everything Jewish, so this
is how their discussion goes:
Pan: "You know, sir, I have a habit of using three sorts of newspapers
when travelling: one Ukrainian which I read, the other Russian which I
use to wrap my breakfast in, and the Jewish one which I use to wipe myself
when I use a toilet."
Jew: "Aren't you afraid, with all due respect, that this way your behind
is apt to become more clever than your head?"
Comments
Ukranian Parliament
It's the first session of the Ukranian parliament and Kravchuk
is presiding. He's a little nervous because of all the Western
press and he wants to make a good impression:
He thinks: "Who shall I get to give the opening speech?" He
looks across the room: "No, not Kalinev from the Nationalist
Party. He'll say that we should hang all the Westerners." He
looks to the other side: "Hm. I better not call on Korlenko
from the Slavic Union Party. He'll say that we should drown
all the Jews." He looks way in the back: "Ah. I'll call on
Orlovsky from the Green Party."
Orlovsky gets to the front of the room:
"Fellow countrymen and representatives of the Western press,
I'd like to talk to you today about the environmental crisis
that is upon us. The years of Soviet control have left us with
a devastated countryside. Our forests have been destroyed; our
rivers are polluted. This is catastrophe for our new nation,
for if our forests are destroyed, where shall we hang the
Westerners? If our rivers are polluted, where shall we drown
the Jews?..."
Comments
ALL U.S. SYNAGOGUES TO CLOSE IN 1999; TO BE REPLACED BY INTERNET CHAT
Pluralism Conflicts Resolved; Each Individual to Have Own Shul
By "The
Kustanowitz Purim Kronikle"
FAIR LAWN, March 2 -- The Jewish world was stunned today by a National Bored
of Rabbis announcement that all synagogues in the United States would shut
their doors forever, sometime before the end of 1999.
After centuries of conflict among the various forms of Judaism and the
frequent formation of new breakaway synagogues, a combination of technologies
has finally resolved the interdenominational bickering and made it possible
for all Jews to be satisfied by having their very own synagogues located in
an Internet chat room accessed from their home.
Because chatting in shul has become commonplace across the religious spectrum,
there is already a base of experience for the new concept, and most individuals
are not expected to feel any difference. Although many issues divided Orthodox,
Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, Egalitarian, Chabad, Satmar, Young
Israel, Aguda, Ashkenaz, Sfard, and many others, the one point that all agreed
on was the need for the synagogue to reflect their own personal viewpoint and
for all members to follow their mode of observance. As these modes became
increasingly fragmented, even within each movement, the only way to achieve
harmony was to let each Jew run his or her own shul.
Two technological achievements are responsible for making this ancient dream a
reality: the universal availability of the Internet and the perfection of voice
recognition. As a result, beginning in the year 2000, all Jews will be able to
connect to their own chat room on the Internet, and by using voice recognition,
each will be president of his or her virtual shul.
The replacement of the synagogue will solve many problems: the need for a minyan,
separate seating, and the height of a mechitza. Congregants will be spared
membership dues, and without a regular weekly kiddush to attend, fitness is
expected to reach an all-time high.
A few thorny issues remain to be settled, and one is why no firm date was
announced by the Bored. One issue is the use of the computer microphone on
Shabbat.
The Reform have no problem with it. Conservatives are expected to accept it,
arguing that it is no different from leaving the microphone in their synagogue on
before Shabbat. For the Orthodox, it will take some more work, but the need for
individual shuls has become so acute in recent years that, with a few possible
exceptions, the bulk of Orthodoxy is expected to go along.
Another problem is what to do with all the suddenly unemployed rabbis, but with
the expansion of Internet use, there should be plenty of jobs available as technical
support representatives. Still unsolved is how to find an acceptable substitute
for kiddush clubs.
Comments
Jew vs. Antisemite
as told by Alan Dershowitz
in The
Vanishing American Jew
Q: What's the difference between an anti-Semite and a Jew?
A: An anti-Semite will tell you that "the Jewish people are a
dishonest, untrustworthy, and moneygrubbing," but when you
ask him about his neighbor Cohen, he will say, "Cohen's an
exception, as honest as they come"
The Jew will praise the Jewish people as "the best, the most
charitable, and the most honest people in the world," but if
you ask him about his neighbor Levine, he will say, "That
no-good crook, you can't trust him as far as you can throw
him"
Comments
Waiter
A "Classic" Yiddish one ...
A man goes into a restaurant and order a bowl of soup. The waiter brings
the soup and walks away. He comes back in a few minutes. "Sir, how is the
soup."
"Vaiter, taste the soup."
"Sir, is there something wrong with the soup?"
"Vaiter, taste the soup!"
"Sir, I'll be glad to bring you something else."
"Vaiter! Taste the soup!!!"
"Okay, sir. (looking around) "Where's the spoon?"
"Aha!!"
Comments
Very Frum Wedding
Did you hear about the very frum wedding in Boro Park last night?
They had separate yichud rooms!
Comments
A Very Wealthy Person
A meshulach comes knocking on a very wealthy person's door and when the
gentleman of the house answers, the meshulach greets him, "Shalom Aleichem, Mr.
Goldstein, I'm collecting for the Lotsa Gelt Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a
nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little
contribution..."
The homeowner replies, "The name is Gold, not Goldberg, and I am not Jewish."
"Are You sure?" asks the Meshulach.
"Sir, I positive" replies the homeowner.
"But", says the meshulach, "It says here that you're Jewish, and my records are
never wrong."
"I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish" replies the homeowner, getting
more impatient.
"Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong, you must be kidding me, are
you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands the Meshulach.
"For the last time Sir, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my
grandfather Alevah Shalom wasn't Jewish either."
Comments
In the mid-19th century, Goldberg became the first Jew to be knighted
by the British Empire. At the ceremony, however, he refused to kneel
in front of Queen Victoria as is customary. Flustered, she asked a
courtier, "And what makes this knight different from all other
knights?"
Comments
Jewish Musicians
You know very well, that most really great violinists of
the world are and were Jews in our century. There are,
however very few Jews among the greatest pianists. What
do you think, what makes this difference between the two
instruments. What is the reason????
Have you ever tried to make your escape with a piano?
Comments
The Visiting Rabbi
In the middle of his sermon, the visiting rabbi stopped and
called the shammes. He pointed to a man in the 5th row.
"That man is sound asleep, go and wake him."
The shammes shook his head and said "Wake him yourself, you put
him to sleep!"
Comments
Poor Waiter
Q - What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?
A - "Is ANYTHING all right?"
Comments
Was Adam Jewish?
Young Abie Levinson said, "Papa, was Adam Jewish?"
Mr. Levinson put down his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an
expert at Talmudic reasoning and the art of making a point by an
unanswerable question.
He said, "If we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once
see that Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a
Jewish girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure Mrs.
Levinson wasn't listening.) "Therefore, we drop the Adam problem and ask
ourselves instead: "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that we have only to ask the question: Would anyone but a
Jewish girl say, 'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"
Comments
"We Are Jews"
(To the tune of "Be Our Guest")
We are Jews, we are Jews
From our head down to our shoes.
Tie your Tallis round your neck and say your Bar'chus's.
Hamentash, Matza Balls...Can you hear the shofar calls?
Try chopped liver, it's delicious.
Don't believe us? Try Knishes.
We can pray. Sing Hallel. After all, we're Yisrael
And the flag we fly is always white and blue.
Go on unroll the Torah. Come let's dance the hora.
We are Jews, we are Jews, we are Jews.
On Purim, we can yell. At Havdalah, spices smell.
Yom Kippur - No food for sure. The Pesach story we retell.
We are smart, we are strong. The Rabbi's sermon's way too long
No One's gloomy or complaining while the Cantor's entertaining.
Help the poor. Never lie.
Say your prayers to Ad-nai!
Giving Tzedakah you can't refuse
We've got a lot to do, to help the world improve
For we are Jews, we are Jews, we are Jews.
Comments
How to Determine the Branch of Judaism Based on
the Wedding Ceremony
When it is an Orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
When it is a Conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
When it is a reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.
When it is a Reconstructionist wedding, the groom is pregnant.
Comments
What Jews Don't Do
By Anne Beatts
from LOS ANGELES TIMES -- February 8, 1998
My friend Riva is very upset. "Monica Lewinsky crossed a line," she says.
"This oral sex thing--everyone knows Jewish girls don't do that. Now she's
ruined it for the rest of us."
I happen to be Jewish, and I believe Riva might be operating on a false
assumption. But then again, I'm only a convert, so maybe that rule was
something they forgot to let me in on.
I was mulling this issue with my friend David Harris, who cuts my hair.
David is an erstwhile Brit who, even though he now is a naturalized American
citizen, has clung steadfastly through the years to his Doc Martens, his
accent and his slightly warped sense of humor. He's also Jewish. As he
slathered bleach on my roots, we began enumerating other things we're pretty
sure Jews don't do. We came up with quite a list. I plan to share it with
you, but only if you promise not to call up and complain about it. This
column is an equal-opportunity offender. The Italians had their turn a
couple of weeks ago. Fair's fair.
I also hasten to point out that just because one or more Jews may actually
perform any or all of these activities, that doesn't invalidate the first
principle. Remember, the exception proves the rule. Furthermore, I'm not
saying that Jews should or shouldn't do these things. I'm just saying that
for the most part they don't.
They don't:
Dress up in white sheets and burn crosses on people's lawns.
Listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Ride horses and shoot guns at the same time.
Sail around the world single-handedly.
Use leaf blowers.
Let cleaning ladies go without lunch, even if it's only chunk tuna.
Become Olympic figure skaters.
Christen ships.
Leave any floral arrangements on the tables at the end of a wedding.
Give money to Pat Robertson.
Name their children Clint, Rod or Paddy.
Eat grits, greens and ham hocks.
Chew tobacco.
Make quilts.
Shop at Piggly Wiggly.
Get a "farmer's tan."
Become Scientologists.
Become sushi chefs.
Think they're too thin or their hips are too narrow.
Rule out plastic surgery.
Wear short acrylic nails.
Fake orgasm unless absolutely necessary.
Fight bulls.
Cut cane.
Play the tuba in an oompah band.
Become lumberjacks or lobster fishermen.
Sell roses by the side of the freeway.
Dive for pearls.
Get drunk and sing "Danny Boy" at funerals.
Root for Vanessa Redgrave at the Oscars.
Join the bomb squad.
Get into shark cages.
Work as rodeo clowns.
Serve plum pudding.
Refuse to go for Chinese food.
Play mah-jongg with Asians.
Wear crucifixes except as a fashion statement.
Call their parents as often as their parents think they should.
Call jeans "dungarees" or soft drinks "pop."
Let the gray show.
Wear loafers without socks.
Say "some of my best friends are . . . "
Marry into the British royal family.
Ride to hounds.
Lose their sense of humor when people make jokes about them.
Comments
When Do You Need a Jewish Mother?
Jewish mothers are called on for their philosophizing skills on only two
occasions:
When anything bad happens. When anything good
happens.
Comments
Who is the Enemy?
Isaac Bashevis Singer
from The
Fools of Chelm
"My idea," said Groman Ox, "is that only a war can save Chelm."
"A war?" all five sages called out in astonishment.
Until that time, Chelm had never waged war. It had a small police force and
the policemen carried sticks, but there were no soldiers in Chelm.
"Yes, a war," Gronam Ox repeated.
"A war with whom?" asked Dopey Lekisch.
"A war with the people of Gorshkov."
"What have the people of Gorshkov done that we should make war on them?"
asked Zeinvel Ninny.
"How can we make war if we have neither swords nor spears?" asked Tritel
Fool.
"How can a war with Gorshkov help us?" asked Sender Donkey. "Gorshkov is a
tiny village and the people there are even poorer than we are."
"And what guarantee is there that we will win?" put in Shmendrick Numskull.
"And who will do the fighting?"
"These are good questions," Gronam Ox declared. "Here is my answer:
"We will make war on the people of Gorshkov because they call us fools. We
Chlemites know that, of the ten measures of wisdom send town to earth from
heaven, nine went to Chelm. But the conceited people of Gorshkov think they
are the clever ones and we the fools. The only way to convince them that we
are cleverer than they is to beat them at war. It is true that we have
neither swords nor spears. But we have Zalman Blacksmith and he can make
them for us. It is true that we must buy our iron from Lublin and it is
very expensive, but our women have iron pots and pans, and since there isn't
much to cook in any case, they can just as well let their pots be turned
into swords and spears. It is also tru that Gorshkov is small and the
people are poorer than we are, but when we are victorious we will make
slaves of our enemies and they will do our work for us. And we will be able
to devote all our time to clever thoughts, as befits the wise men of Chelm.
As for the outcome of the war, there is no need to worry: for every
Gorshkov fool, there are ten wise men of Chelm. We have many young men who
go around idle; we will recruit them for the army. To be absolutely sure of
victory, we will attack Gorshkov in the dead of night, and before they wake
up to what has happened, they will have been killed or captured and made
slaves."
"Gronam Ox, you are not only the greatest sage of Chelm but of the whole
world," Dopey Lakisch proclaimed.
"When we conquer Groshkov, Chelm will become an empire," added Zeinvel
Ninny.
"Gronam Ox will be King of Chelm and Emperor of Gorshkov," said Treitel
Fool.
"The first thing we will order our slaves to do is build the King and
Emperor a castle consisting of three rooms and a kitchen," said Sender
Donkey. "One of them will be your thinking room; there your wife, Yente
Pasha, the Empress, will not be able to disturb your meditations with her
nagging and scolding."
Shlemiel opened his mouth wide and stuck out his tongue, which meant that he
wanted to speak.
"What do you have to say?" Gronam asked. "You forget that you are only a
secretary and not one of my councilors."
"Please forgive me, Super Sage, future King and Emperor. What I want to say
will benefit Chelm and contribute to the successful outcome of the war as
well."
"What is it? Be brief."
"Gorshkov is quite a distance from here -- about eight miles. There is no
road from Chelm to Gorshkov, and one has to cross a forest and a swamp to
get there. How will our heroic soldiers find their way, especially as the
battle is to take place in the middle of the night? Besides, Gorshkov has a
wall around it and the gate is locked at sundown. How will our heroes
invade Gorshkov if the gate is locked?"
There was a silence. No one had expected Shlemiel to ask such a difficult
question.
Dopey Lakisch was the first to speak. "This malicious question is a
betrayal of the Empire!" he shouted angrily.
"He should be imprisoned and ssentenced to hard labor," said Zeinvel Ninny.
"And never be set free, until the end of the world," added Treitel Fool.
"He should be hanged!" exclaimed Sender Donkey.
"To hang him once is not enough!" shouted Shmendrick Numskull. "He should
be hanged at least three times."
"My devoted councilors," Gronam said, "It is not ncecssary to be so hard on
Shlemiel. Let's not forget he is the only Shlemiel we have, and if he is
hanged even once, we will be without a Shlemiel. In any case, I have an
answer to his question."
"So quickly?" all five councilors asked as if with one voice.
"My brain wastes no time," Gronam replied. "There is a man called Haskel
who happens to have been born in Groshkov but who is married to a woman from
Chelm. He certainly knows the way to Gorshkov and he will lead us. As for
the gate, Feitel Thief is in jail serving a sentence of three hundred years
for breaking into Berel's grocery store and stealing three onions. Since he
was able to break open the lock of Berel's grocery store, he will surely be
able to unlock the one on the Gorshkov gate. I, Gronam, will set him free
and he will get our brave troops into Gorshkov without any trouble."
The councilors were so impressed with Gronam's wisdom that they were
speechless.
Shlemiel again opened his mouth wide and stuck out his tongue, but before he
could utter a word, Gronam Ox said, "Better close your mouth or you'll find
yourself a head shorter. The meeting is adjourned. It is my imperial
command that all that has been discussed at this council remain a state
secret. You are dismissed."
The news spread immediately through Chelm that Gronam Ox was preparing to
wage war against Groshkov and that the plan was a highly guarded secret.
Comments
Who Is An Israeli?
An Israeli is someone who signals left, but turns right.
An Israeli is someone who knows what's better for you than you do.
An Israeli is someone who goes to Cyprus for the weekend and has his
entire family waiting for him at the airport when he gets back.
An Israeli is someone with 1,000 excuses as to why he couldn't do whatever
it was you asked of him.
An Israeli is someone who spits his cigarette out his car window in Israel
and in the next breath complains that the streets abroad are much cleaner
than the ones at home.
An Israeli is someone who'll curse you at a stoplight, cut in front of you
in line, recognize you from the army if you bump into him abroad, and
start up a conversation with you if you're sitting across from him in the
Kupat Cholim waiting room.
An Israeli is someone who sits in his living room and uses his cellular
phone to call his wife in the next room and tell her to bring him some
sunflower seeds.
An Israeli is someone who will drive two and a half hours to save NIS 50
by shopping at the shuk but when he gets back to his car he'll find a
parking ticket for NIS 100.
An Israeli is someone who loves life in Israel, especially when he's
abroad.
An Israeli is someone who isn't embarrassed to ask you how much money you
make.
An Israeli is someone who can bankrupt an "all you can eat" restaurant.
An Israeli is someone who will do anything to get out of reserve duty in
times of peace, and will do anything to be able to serve during times of
war.
An Israeli is someone who hopes for the best and prepares for the worst.
An Israeli is someone who will praise and support you only after you're
dead.
An Israeli is someone who knows the answer before you ask the question.
An Israeli is someone who does not know how to say "please", "excuse me"
or "thank you" but in your hour of need will walk through fire to lend you
a hand, because his prickly exterior hides a heart of gold.
Comments
Who's the Pope
During Israel's early years, the Pope paid a visit to the Galilee area
and was photographed talking with a high Israeli official. When the
photo was published in the Israeli papers, two friends were talking
about the event and the picture in the paper. "Which one is the Pope?"
asked one of the Israelis.
"He's the one with the yarmulke," said the other.
Comments
Why Not Pork?
The main course at the big civic dinner was baked ham with glazed sweet
potatoes. Rabbi Cohen regretfully shook his head when the platter was
passed to him.
"When," scolded Father Kelly playfully, "are you going to forget that
silly rule of yours and eat ham like the rest of us?"
Without skipping a beat, Rabbi Cohen replied "At your wedding reception,
Father Kelly."
Comments
Woody in Egypt
Q: Why didn't Woody Allen leave Egypt with the rest of B'nai Yisrael?
A: Because he wanted to stay behind and date Farrow's daughter.
Comments
Multiple Choice Exodus Test
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.
Comments
Christmas is Weird
Christmas is weird. It's the time of year when our
neighbors love to sit in front of a dead tree and
eat candy out of their socks.
Comments
The Extra 25 Commandments
In 1954 a leading French Archeologist while on a simple tour of Belgium
uncovered an ancient manuscript dating back to BC. After twelve years of
strenuous translation the document was locked away in the vaults of a
Parisian church and forgotten.
Until now...
I can now reveal to you the contents of the document. It turned out to be
an interview...
... So I said to Him, "Listen G-d, each one of those buggers must weigh at
least 60 pounds each!", "I could maybe take one or two but the other five
are just gonna have to stay!".
Interviewer: "five?"
Moses: "Yeah. Like I suggested he could at least put them on parchment but
just made Him sulk! It took me 6 bloody weeks to get up that sodding
mountain! I wasn't gonna carry 400 odd pounds of solid rock tablets all the
way back!"
Int: "So there were more than 10 Commandments then?"
Moses: "Oh Sure! Originally 35 of the beggars! Some really obscure shit
too. I jotted them down but people didn't listen to me. If it wasn't etched
in stone tablets they didn't want to know!"
Int: "And you still have these notes?"
Moses: "Yup! I tried teaching the extra Commandments to people but they
didn't understand them. Can't blame `em really. He said they would come in
useful one day ..."
Int: "Can you tell me the extra Commandments?"
Moses: "Alright. (Rustle, Rustle) Ah, here we are ..."
THE COMMANDMENTS (11 - 35):
11. Thou shalt not buy trainers that cost 4 times your mortgage.
12. Thou shalt not rent out a villa in Malta and call it "TimeShare".
13. Thou shalt not spend millions advertising a service that people can't
do without such as water.
14. Thou shalt not go to poncy French subtitled films just to impress your
girlfriend.
15. Thou shalt not believe that Demi Moore has any talent.
16. Thou shalt "love" thy neighbor, but only if you are married to her!
17. Thou shalt not find Carla Lane sitcoms 'mildly amusing'.
18. Thou shalt always thank your Aunty for her Christmas gift, even those
naff socks and the leaky pen set.
19. Thou shalt not Jeremy Beadle!
20. Thou shalt not read the graffiti when sitting in a public toilet, you
have better things to do!
21. Thou shalt not name your son after yourself just so you can open his
post "by accident".
22. Thou shalt get very embarrassed at having to have to accept 1 cent change
when buying a shirt priced 29.99.
23. Thou shalt not follow false breasts.
24. Thou shalt not remix a past hit and give it a weird name like the
"Lanky Golf Ball" mix.
25. Thou shalt not comb your last remaining strands of hair over your bald
patch.
26. Thou shalt not invent new names for soap powder just so you can say it
cleans much better than last "better ever" version.
27. Thou shalt only buy Puma Disc System trainers if you really want to
garotte your feet!
28. Thou shalt not lie. Politicians exempt...
29. Thou shalt not try to change TV channels when the remote control breaks
by throwing it at the TV.
30. Thou shalt not get annoyed when only anyone over 92 wins the 2 million
lottery.
31. Thou shalt not go on camping holidays saying you love the outdoors just
because you are too cheap to go to a hotel.
32. Thou shalt go to Church on every Sunday - either before or after
getting the weekend shopping in.
33. Thou shalt not buy the WCBS song contest hits compilation CD.
34. Thou shalt not spend 7 hours in a to remove the punched plastic
protection badges.
35. Thou shalt not kill... unless the victim just happens to be the guy who
invented (900) numbers!
Moses: "Deep stuff eh?"
Int: "Er? Yeah... listen, you're not really Moses are you?"
Moses: "Moses, Moses, oh I though you were asking for er, Richard!"
Int: "Richard?"
Moses (Richard): "Yeah, High Lord of Beelzebub, the foul fiend. Lucifer,
Shaitan, Auld Nick, Satan, Apolyon, Enemy of Mankind, Ahriman, Eblis ..."
Int: "You're mad, aren't you!"
Moses (Richard): "Erm, yeah. I'll go away shall I?"
And there you go. Had the pressure of carrying the full commandments around
with him his whole life sent Moses insane? Or was he, as he claimed,
denizen of the Evil One trying to taint the minds of others with false
commandments? Or, as is most probable, did the interview just pick out any
passing psycho he found in the street? You decide...
Comments
Y2K Problem Solved
Starting Monday, everyone adopts the Jewish calendar,
the year will be 5760 and we will have 240 more years to
fix the problem
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The Y6K Bug
It recently occurred to me that the representation of years in the Hebrew
calendar using gematria (aleph=1, bet=2, etc.) will be seriously challenged
by the next Hebrew millennium in 240 years. Using gematria, 5743, for
example, is tav (400) shin (300) mem (40) gimmel (3), forming the acronym
"tashmag." The thousands digit is not included, on the grounds that it
doesn't matter and would take up much more space (thirteen more letters,
since the maximum value in gematria is 400). This year, 5760, is tav shin
samech.
This system breaks down in the year 6000; there is no representation in
gematria for zero (at least, to the best of my knowledge). If we stick to
the convention that the thousands digit is excluded (let's assume that we
know that it's 6000 and not 5000 or 7000), we have no alphabetic
representation for the year at all. Our descendants will be forced to use
"Arabic" numerals (which are of Indian origin, and are not the way in which
numbers are written in traditional Arabic) such as 6000 to describe the
date.
Of course, since there is no year zero, the millennium actually begins in
6001.
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Overweight Guys
Why are so many Jewish men are overweight?
Because every Yom Tov
we literally ask G-d for it. "Hamvareich es amo Yisrael bash-omein!"
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Why did G-d give Jews the 10 Commandments?
The Italians didn't want them because it said that you couldn't
covert your neighbors wife.
The Germans didn't want them because it said that you couldn't
murder.
So G-d went to Moses and said:
"I'd like to give you some commandments"
"How much are they?"
"They're free"
"Good, we'll take ten".
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Yakov's Deathbed
Yakov was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had
gathered around him. Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible
voice he asked, Mama--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Sammy--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Isadore--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
"Rosalie--you here?
"Yes, Papa."
"Rachel--you here?"
"Yes, Papa."
With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old
man shouted,
"Well, who's watching the store?"
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Secrets
There are these four women - in their late 50s or 60s - playing
mahjong one day and one woman stops playing and says, "I have to
tell you all something - I'm a kleptomaniac - but I want you to know,
I've NEVER taken anything from any of you".
The next woman says,
"well, as long as we're being honest - I have to tell you, I'm a
nymphomaniac - but I have my own circle of people - and I've never
hit on any of your family members or friends".
Then the third woman
says, "well, I'm a lesbian - but you have no worries- I've never
been attracted to any of you".
The fourth woman jumps up and says, "well, I'm
a yenta and I have to go make some phone calls!!!"
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Yeshiva Crew Team
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunately,
they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day,
but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The chief rabbi finally decided to send Yankel to spy on
the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in
the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully
watched the Harvard team as they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. "I have figured out their
secret," he announced. "They have eight guys rowing and only one
guy shouting."
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Yiddish Camel
There is a guy who rides around this town all day on this camel,
and then one day he loses his camel and he doesn't know what to
do. He looks all over the entire town for the camel but he still
can't find it so he goes to the police station and says to the
officer "I lost the camel which I always ride on and I don't know what
to do."
The officer looks at him and says, "Sir, can you at least describe
the camel to me?"
"Not really, there isn't much to describe. It was an ordinary camel"
"Well at least can you tell me whether it was male or female?"
The guy thinks for a long time and finally he says, "male"
The officer looks at him and asks what took him so long to tell that
it was male
"Well at first, I honestly didnt know, but then I remembered that
whenever I ride through town everyone always screams out 'hey! look at
the shmuck on that camel', so I assumed my camel must be male."
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Yiddish For Lawyers
"In the heat of litigation, tempers often flare and lawyers sometimes have
difficulty expressing their frustrations. When English fails, Yiddish may
come to the rescue. So it happened that defense attorneys arguing in a
recent summary judgment motion in federal court in Boston wrote, in a
responsive pleading, 'It is unfortunate that this Court must wade through
the dreck of plaintiff's original and supplemental statement of undisputed
facts.' The plaintiffs' attorneys, not to be outdone, responded with a motion
that could double as a primer on practical Yiddish for lawyers....
UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF MASSACHUSETTS
----------------------------------------------------------------
MONICA SANTIAGO, Plaintiff,
v.
SHERWIN-WILLIAMS COMPANY, et al.
Defendants.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Civ. No. 87-2799-T
PLAINTIFF'S MOTION TO STRIKE IMPERTINENT
AND SCANDALOUS MATTER
Plaintiff, by her attorneys, hereby moves this Court pursuant to Rule 12(f)
of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to strike as impertinent and
scandalous the characterization of her factual submission as "dreck" on
page 11 of Defendant's Rule 56.1 Supplemental Statement of Disputed Facts
(a copy of which is attached hereto as Exhibit A). As grounds therefore,
plaintiff states:
1. For almost four years now, plaintiff and her attorneys have been
subjected to the constant kvetching by defendants' counsel, who have made
a big tsimmes about the quantity and quality of plaintiff's responses to
discovery requests. This has been the source of much tsoris among
plaintiff's counsel and a big megillah for the Court.
2. Now that plaintiff's counsel has, after much time and effort, provided
defendants with a specific and comprehensive statement of plaintiff's
claims and the factual basis thereof, defendants' counsel have the chutzpah
to call it "dreck" and to urge the Court to ignore it.
3. Plaintiff moves that this language be stricken for several reasons.
First, we think it is impertinent to refer to the work of a fellow member
of the bar of this Court with the Yiddish term "dreck" as it would be to
use "the sibilant four-letter English word for excrement." Rosten, The
Joys of Yiddish (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY 1968) p. 103.
Second, defendants are in no position to deprecate plaintiff's counsel in
view of the chozzerai which they have filed over the course of this
litigation.
Finally, since not all of plaintiff's lawyers are yeshiva bochurs,
defendants should not have assumed that they would all be conversant in
Yiddish. WHEREFORE, plaintiff prays that the Court put an end to the
mishegoss and strike "dreck."
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Four friends are sitting in a restaurant in Israel. For a long time, nobody says anything. Then, one man groans, "Oy."
"Oy vey," says a second man.
"Nu," says the third.
At this, the fourth man gets up from his chair and says, "If you guys don't stop talking politics, I'm leaving!"
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Yiddish Poem
Don't believe that Yiddish is "dead-- far from it! Here's a sample:
I'm a very smart Mensch with a Yiddisher Kupp,
So I never forget when your birthday comes up!
And because I ain't a Schlemiel or a clown,
I Schleppt myself out to the best shop in town!
To the guy at the register ringing up the gelt
I said: "let me have the best card in der Velt!"
So, he tipped me his Yarmulka,
bowed with great style,
And wrinkled his poonim with a wonderful smile.
Then he gave me his card, very warm and gishmock,
To wish you great Mazel as "Shtark as a Rock."
Plus birthdays that come back again and again,
With Glick and Gezunt, Biz a "Hundert und Tzen!"
So, this card, you'll agree,
is the best I could get,
Not just in der Velt, but the Universe yet!
So, Tutt Mir a Tayva, be nice as can be,
And Ven Ich Hab a Birthday....RETURN IT TO ME!
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It All Depends on How You Pronounce It
My father, aware of my growing interest in science fiction when I was in my
teens, asked me if I had ever read any books by Zhoolvehrn.
I stared at him blankly. "Who?"
"Zhoolvehrn," he repeated.
"Never heard of him," I said emphatically.
"He wrote science fiction," said my father in annoyance. "He wrote about
going to the moon and to the center of the earth and, oh yes, about a man
going around the world in eighty days."
That gave it away. My father had never heard the name pronounced in
anything byt the French fashion (as used in Russia). So I gave it to him
English fashio, as modified by Brooklyn.
I said, "Oh, the author you mean is Joolz Voin."
And my father said, "Who?"
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Yiddish Proverbs
"When a fool is silent, he too is counted among the wise."
-- Yiddish Proverb
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Yiddish Superlatives
by Sholom Aleichem
from A
Treasury of Jewish Humor
strong stronger a tree
clever cleverer a mamzer
strong stronger an iron
stingy stingier a pig
gentle gentler a charlatan
fat fatter a kugel
scrawny scrawnier a dog
broad broader a barrel
black blacker a tomcat
yellow yellower wax
rich richer stuffed
good better without gall
bad worse a Haman
beautiful more beautiful a piece of gold
ugly uglier ugly as death
soft softer butter
wet wetter to wring out
dry drier pepper
hot hotter a bathhouse
hungry hungrier haven't had a thing in my mouth all day
thirsty thirstier fell with my face to the ground
pale paler a handsomer one they bury
naked nakerder just as his mother bore him
innocent more innocent just go and milk him!
foolish more foolish just go and salt him into the pickles!
just go and marinate him in cabbage!
possible more possible what do you mean "not possible"?
certain more certain what a question!
right more right of course!
much more p-s-s-sh
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Why is the Internet Good for Jewish Jokes?
If you tell a Frenchman a joke he laughs three times, once when you tell
it, the second time when you explain in and the third time when he
understands it..
If you tell an Englishman a joke he laughs twice; once when you tell it,
out of politeness and the second time when you explain it, also out of
politeness but he never really understands it.
If you tell a German a joke he laughs only once, when you tell it. His
sense of pride won't allow you explain it and therefore he will never
understand it.
But if you tell a Jew a joke, you get to the third line and he interrupts
you and says 'my father used to tell it much better', and he goes ahead
and tells it, same joke, with a slightly different punchline.
So on the internet all you have to do is reply to posts on
rec.humor.jewish with your father's version of the jokes and that's how
you make a newsgroup.
Michael H.
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Yom Kippur Bears
Didja hear the Yom Kippur story about the frum yid taking a walk in the
deep woods of Maine?
As he was walking along, he stumbled and his kipah fell off. He bent
over to pick it up. As he stood up he noticed a bear standing right in
front of him.
The guy is just shocked. He quickly put the kipah back on his head and,
believing his end near, began reciting the Shema.
The bear saw the kippah and heard the prayer--and lo and behold! -- the
bear put a kipah on his head too! Then the bear began to pray.
Seeing the bear davening, the poor yid breathed a small sigh of relief and
began to bentch gomel.
He finished just in time to hear the bear utter the last words of the
bear's prayer -- hamotzi lekhem min ha-aretz.*
(*the blessing that is said before meals)
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The Phone Call
Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell
you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up
my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after
54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my
son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into
it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will
spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't
told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it
for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an
appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off
seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and
break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells
him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they
and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to
his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to
do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"
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From the Great Beyond
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her
to the seance parlor of Madame Freda. "Milty, she's a real gypsy, and
she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk
to them! Last week I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde who you miss so
much!"
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at
Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the
green table, holding hands with the person on each side. All were
humming, "Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom."
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a
crystal ball. "My medium...Vashtri," she called. "Come in. Who is
that with you? Who? Mr. Pitzel" Milton Pitzel's zayde?"
Milty swallowed the lump in his throad and called, "Grampa? Zayde?"
"Ah, Milteleh?" a thin voice quavered.
"Yes! Yes!" cried Milty. "This is your Milty! Zayde, are you happy
in the other world?"
"Milteleh, I am in bliss. With your bubbie together, we laugh, we
sing. We gaze upon the shining face of the Lord!"
A dozen more questions did Milty ask of his zayde, and each question
did his zayde answer, until "So now, Milteleh, I have to go. The
angels are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
"Zayde," sighed Milty, "when did you learn to speak English?"
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