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    Top Ten Jewish Books Not Yet Published

    Ohr
    Somayach Top Ten List





    10.
    Talmud - Tractate Chulent

    9.
    Tire Changing the Jewish Way

    8.
    100 Synagogue Shmooze Topics

    7.
    The Tenth Man - Finding the Best Minyanaires

    6.
    The Art of Kvetching

    5.
    The Rolling Stone Chumash

    4.
    The Y'dei Esav Siddur (Take off on "Kol Ya'akov" Siddur)

    3.
    The Cone Head's Yarmulke Book

    2.
    Elijah's Problem Stumpers

    1.
    Kabbalah for Dummies





    Comments

    Top Ten Reasons To Become an Orthodox Jew
    from the
    Ohr
    Somayach Top Ten List


    10. You will become an instant topic of conversation
    and amusement amongst all former friends

    9. You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade
    pork rinds

    8. Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will
    strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology,
    philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while
    their accomplice steals your wallet)

    7. You will never have to decide between chicken and beef
    on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no
    difference between them anyway)

    6. You will become a close friend and confidant of all
    the staff at Food City Kosher Department

    5. You will have the privilege of donating half your
    income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)

    4. You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes

    3. You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole,
    Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes
    upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza),
    pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye
    (with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)

    2. Men - your bald spot will always be covered
    Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even
    have to be on your head

    1. For one entire day every week you cannot be reached
    by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail





    Comments

    Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers



    Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's
    been! (Judges 14:5-8)

    David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go
    practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

    Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for
    supper!

    Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you
    smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

    Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

    Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
    strays!

    Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
    clothes! (Judges 6:11)

    James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
    People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

    Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

    Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?











    Comments

    Translations


    The Israeli Ambassador to Sweden was talking to the head of the
    government at a party. The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so
    violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not
    Kill".

    The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou
    Shall Not Murder'."

    The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill".

    Ambassador: "No, it definately says murder."

    Swede: "Maybe you have a poor translation."





    Comments

    The Ten Suggestions
    by David Bader
    from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


    . . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the
    desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
    Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
    Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but
    just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he
    delivered them.

    The Ten Suggestions

    1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods
    besides me.

    2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
    shop class.

    3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the
    express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is
    the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy
    G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is
    unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d.

    4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

    5. Honor thy single parent.

    6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

    7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

    8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

    9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
    before Judge Wapner.

    10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
    or his power tools.



    Comments

    Top Ten Ways The White House Will Change With Lieberman as V.P.


    Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".

    Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."

    Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
    Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.

    Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!

    Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift
    Gore
    in
    Chair and Dance Around.

    U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
    Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to
    actually start working Monday - Friday.

    Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.

    In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
    Carnegie Delhi.







    Comments

    Minyan Plus



    I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for
    a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned
    that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.

    When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness."

    The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."

    The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the
    room and go to the bathroom!"




    Comments

    Top 12 New Commandments


    Anyone who says Thou Shalt Not one more time gets whacked


    Thou shalt continue to read the second part of the Passover
    Haggadah after the Seder meal


    Ladies' wigs count as hair


    Thou shalt have no other gods before breakfast


    For the last time, circumcision stays


    Thou shalt not colorize Hollywood movies


    Endives are acceptable Lulav substitutes


    Due to illness, the role of the prophet Elijah in Kings II 15-21
    will be played by Ed Asner


    To prevent further embarrassment, the name Oral Tradition will be
    replaced by Spoken Tradition


    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mac


    Thou shalt not begin thy jokes with "A priest, a minister and a
    rabbi," so that your days will be lengthened on G-d's
    earth

    It's Hanukkah - not Chanooca, not Chanucca - Hanukkah, always and
    everywhere, got it?


    Comments

    The Top 13 Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal




    Arafat must return all $7.6 million of misrouted royalties
    intended for Ringo Starr.

    In exchange for West Bank, Palestinians must take Fran Drescher

    Death threats on authors of those infuriating "Magic Eye" books lifted.

    Jewish Homeland relocated to South Florida.

    Straight-up trade, Jackie Mason for Casey Kasem.

    Israel must make cable space available for new variety show, "Shiite
    Tonight!"

    Everyone in Israel to get a personally autographed "Chia
    Yasser."

    No more jokes about the five o'clock shadow on Arafat's mom.

    In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at
    the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down.

    Less rocks, more talk!!

    Circumcised Palestinians free to roam Jerusalem.

    Center Square: Whoopi's out, Yasser's in.


    and Top5's Number 1 Term of the New Mideast Peace Deal...


    Main objective in Palestinian charter changed from
    "destruction of Israel" to "World Cup champs by 2014."





    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
    [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
    [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]





    Comments

    The Top 13 Jewish Country & Western Songs




    13> Achy Breaky Hip

    12> I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
    Notch in My Belt)

    11> Take This, "Job," and Shove It

    10> I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)

    9> Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me

    8> All My Exes Made an Exodus

    7> The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan

    6> This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!

    5> Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You

    4> My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher

    3> I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
    Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me

    2> Homeland on the Range


    and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...


    1> Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!



    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com> ]
    [ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
    [ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]





    Comments









    What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

    Fillet minyan.




    Comments

    First Day In Hell
    by Mr. Bean



    Hello, nice to see you all again.

    As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
    hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
    like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

    Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
    sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
    end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

    Are there any questions?

    No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
    would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
    if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
    yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

    Right, let's split you up then.

    Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

    Off we go...

    Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
    thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.

    Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
    you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
    you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

    AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
    fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
    perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
    realizes put in a lot of work.

    The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
    them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

    Sodomites, over there against the wall.

    Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
    charlies.

    Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

    Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
    murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
    Methodists that is.

    Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
    must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

    Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
    take a joke after all.

    Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
    exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
    will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
    Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
    exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
    their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
    thing.

    Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
    chains, and electrodes.




    Comments

    20th Century Extremely Reform Judaism

    by David Bader

    From How
    to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


    20th Century Milestones in American Extremely Reform Judaism:

    1907 First Extremely Reform Jew in Hollywood changes
    name for show-biz reasons
    1915 First E.R.J. in New York joins the Mafia
    1974 First E.R.J. in a trailer park tells The National
    Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens



    Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?"
    Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might
    not be tax deductible.




    Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations:
    The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America
    (No camping required)
    The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League
    (Deals with very mild ethnic slurs)




    The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:
    This Extremely
    Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides
    that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and
    opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness
    for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to
    eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital,
    you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.







    Comments

    Top 10 Jewish Songs (but for you, we'll make it 37!)


    37] Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond
    36] Happiness Is a Warm Bagel
    35] Rocky Racoon's Bris
    34] Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band
    33] With a Little Help from My Cantor
    32] Ask Me Why [This Night Is Different from Other Nights]
    31] Magical Minyan Tour
    30] Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale]
    29] Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter
    28] I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge
    27] I Want to Hold Your Brisket
    26] The Long and Winding Services
    25] I'm a Loser at Mah-jong
    24] Run for Your Life Already
    23] She's Leaving Home Sholom
    22] Lady the Yenta
    21] Luzzamoff {Let it Be}
    20] Baby You're a Rich Man [Come and Meet My Daughter]
    19] Maybe I'm Aggravated
    18] Short Fat Solly
    17] When I'm Four Times Chai
    16] You Never Give Me Your Discounts
    15] Jealous Goy
    14] Instant Torah
    13] Back in the Shtetl
    12] Baby Won't You Light My Menorah
    11] You Never Give Me Your Money
    10] The Ballad of John, Yoko and Schlomo
    9] Give Pesach a Chance
    8] Maxwell's Silver Mezuzzah
    7] Shekel Lane
    6] Do You Want to Know a Secret [I Eat Ham]
    5] All You Need Is Gelt
    4] Fixing a Hole [No Way, Call Somebody]
    3] Why Don't We Do it in the Shul
    2] Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and the Rabbi
    1] Hey Jules




    Comments

    Three Generals


    America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
    The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
    generals.

    The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics,
    an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach
    espionage.

    The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors,
    and General Dynamics.



    Comments

    Three Chairs For the Reform


    The Orthodox Rav met three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers began they show up. All the sets are filled.

    Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."

    Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav?"

    The Rav repeated his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the minister.

    Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give Three cheers for my Reform Friends in the back!'"




    Comments

    One Day in the Desert


    Three men were walking through the desert.

    The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty,
    I must have wine!"

    The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty,
    I must have wine!"

    The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
    have ... Diabetes!"



    Comments


    Exodus of the 3 Stooges



    Chapter 1

    Israel Multiplies.
    Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews


    1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.

    2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and
    became exceedingly mighty.

    3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
    Nile.

    4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
    among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, "This
    is one of the Hebrews' children."

    5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.

    6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren
    and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting
    wih each other, and he said to them "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the
    both of yah!"

    7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't
    scare me!" And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"

    8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
    several yards by it.

    9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
    laughed mightily. And Moses smote
    10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.

    11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend

    12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
    cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.

    13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
    and Econquered.

    14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and
    Midian-well.


    Chapter 2

    The Boining Bush

    1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold
    their services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.

    2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
    sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for
    him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.

    3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
    him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"
    And he chased them into the field.

    4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire
    from the midst of a bush.

    5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"

    6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame- brain!" and smote him on the
    head.

    7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord
    saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, "Hey,
    Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!"

    8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"

    9 And the Lord said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from
    your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground."

    10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!"

    11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.

    12 And the Lord said, "I have seen the oppression of my people by the
    Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I
    will send ... you!"

    13 And they were unsure as to who "you" was.

    14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
    who saw he had no one to to look at - trembled and clicked his teeth
    loudly.

    15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do You mean?"

    16 And the Lord said, "You!"

    17 And Moses said, "I?"

    18 And Larry said, "Aye!"

    19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!" and the three Hebrews began saluting
    each other vigorously.

    20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!" and they did, and He continued,
    "Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them,
    `The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt
    and into the land of Canaan - a land overflowing with sweets!'"

    21 And Curly said, "Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And Moses
    smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on
    the head.


    Chapter 3

    Hebrews given powers.

    1 And Larry said, "What if they don't listen to us, or vicey-versey?"

    2 And the Lord said, "They will. Now, hold out your left hand,"

    3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one is my left hand?" And Curly
    said, "That one." And Larry said, "So how do I know which one is my
    right hand?" and Curly said, "Why, that's easy! The one that's left!
    Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

    4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.

    5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand?"

    6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why, nothin'."

    7 And the Lord said, "Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!"

    8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked and said, "Why a staff!" And the
    Lord said, "Throw it on the ground." And Larry threw it on the ground
    and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.

    9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
    mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn't!"

    10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head
    with the staff.

    11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
    dropped it and it slithered up Curly's robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo
    woo woo woo woo!" And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly
    in a circle.

    12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to
    the ground.

    13 And the Lord said, "This wonder shall help you convince the sons of
    Israel of the word of the Lord."

    14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We
    ain't never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it's
    ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!"

    15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, "Who made man's mouth? Who
    makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said,
    "Who makes him dumb?

    16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"

    17 And they saw His anger and they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!" And they
    bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.

    18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and perform this wonder before the
    sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, 'Let my people go, so
    they may soive - I mean serve - Me!"

    19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of
    Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up
    Curly's robe, and he danced wildly.

    20 And the people believed.


    Chapter 4

    "Let my people go!"


    1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his
    court.

    2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, "First, shouldn't we
    pay homage?" And Curly said, "I don't know. Homage should we pay?
    Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

    3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion
    with his hand.

    4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, "We got this here
    message from the Lord," and they put their fists to their mouths and
    made a trumpet sound. And then they sang
    "Roses is red,
    Violets is yellow;
    Now let My people go!
    Like a Pharaoh and a
    decent phellow."

    5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and
    snapped their fingers.

    6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, "Who is the Lord that I should
    obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!"

    7 And Moses said, "Wise guy, eh?"

    8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he
    slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his
    fingers, and he approached her, saying, "Rough! Rough! Rough!"

    9 And then he said, "How you doin', Toots? Tell me, are you married
    or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And then he offered to make her a drink,
    and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.

    10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, "It seems
    the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on,
    they will no longer have any straw to make bricks - let them gather it
    themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!"

    11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid
    sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped
    his eyes, and said, "Guards! Seize them!"

    12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the
    fields.

    13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered
    stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they
    smote them on their heads.






    Comments

    Five Great Yiddish Insults

    May you grow like an onion,with your head in the ground.
    May your bones be broken as often as the ten commandments.

    May you have a son named after you soon.

    May the souls of all of king solomon's mother's in law inhabit you.

    May G-d mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the
    curses you wished on him.






    Comments

    Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
    by Rabbi Jack Moline


    Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:

    Hebrew == English

    Mee == who
    Hu == he
    Hee == she
    Ma == what
    Dag == fish


    ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

    COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

    A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
    that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
    mean the same thing.

    C: Sure, I understand.

    A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

    C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
    simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
    the same.

    A: Precisely.

    C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
    Hebrew?

    A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.

    C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
    Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.

    A: Fine. Let's start with mee.

    C: You.

    A: No , mee.

    C: Fine, we'll start with you.

    A: No, we'll start with mee.

    C: Okay, have it your way.

    A: Now, mee is who.

    C: You is Abbott.

    A: No, no, no. Mee is who.

    C: You is Abbott.

    A: You don't understand.

    C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

    A: Yes I did. Mee is who.

    C: You is Abbott.

    A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
    mee.

    C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

    A: No, no. Tell me about mee!

    C: Who?

    A: Precisely.

    C: Precisely what?

    A: Precisely who.

    C: It's precisely whom!

    A: No, mee is who.

    C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

    A: All right. Hu is he.

    C: Who is he?

    A: Yes.

    C: I don't know. Who is he?

    A: Sure you do. You just said it.

    C: I just said what?

    A: Hu is he.

    C: Who is he?

    A: Precisely.

    C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

    A: No, precisely hee.

    C: Precisely he? Who is he?

    A: Precisely!

    C: And what about me?

    A: Hu.

    C : me, me, me!

    A : Hu, hu, hu!

    C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

    A : No, hu is he!

    C: I don't know I maybe he is me!

    A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)

    C: Do his parents know about this?

    A: About what?

    C: About her!

    A: What about her?

    C: That she is he!

    A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!

    C: Then who is he?

    A: Precisely!

    C: Who?

    A: He!

    C: Me?

    A: Hu!

    C: He?

    A: She!

    C: Who is she?

    A: No, hu is he.

    C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?

    A: No, that's not right.

    C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
    when I said it, and I know me.

    A: Hu.

    C: Who?

    A: Precisely!

    C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!


    A: No, hee is she!

    C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
    little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

    A: Go ahead.

    C: Now first You want to know me is who.

    A: Correct.

    C: And then you say who is he.

    A: Absolutely.

    C : And then you tell me he is she.

    A & C: Precisely!

    C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
    And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

    A: Who?

    C: She!

    A: That is he!

    C: Who is he?

    A & C: Precisely!

    C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
    want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!

    A: What.

    C I said Ma.

    A: What.

    Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

    A: What!

    C: Not what, who!

    A: He!

    C: Not he! Ma is not he!

    A: Of course not! Hu is he!

    C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
    who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
    play with my dog.

    A: Fish.

    C Fish?

    A: Dag is fish.

    C: That's all, I'm outa here.







    Comments

    Abraham's Computer



    One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
    busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
    son, comes home.



    Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
    What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
    a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
    lots more memory than you have here."

    Abraham
    replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
    of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
    space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
    memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."











    Comments

    Are You Okay, Abe


    Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet
    conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their
    business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
    "You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"







    Comments

    Religious Accident


    A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
    Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the
    clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
    sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
    rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
    unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
    we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
    rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you
    completely. This must be a sign from G-d."

    The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
    My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine
    didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
    our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The
    priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
    to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
    cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
    "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think
    I'll wait for the police."










    Comments

    From Dust to Dust
    by Nicholas Biel


    On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you
    see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me,
    me expecting nothing neither.

    On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image
    too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.

    Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd
    been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days,
    what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes
    and makes me into Man.

    He could see right away from the expression on my face I
    didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in
    this garden only I don't butter.

    He brings me all the animals I should give them names What
    do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything
    you want," so I make names up: lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe.
    Crazy, but that's what he wants.

    I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go
    to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting
    by a pool of water admiring herself.

    "Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased
    to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.

    Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now
    rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day
    I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.

    Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in
    the water.

    Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there
    were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite,
    the snake took a bite and quick like a flash, out of the
    garden.

    Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he
    doesn't want anbody eating his apples, that's his business.

    What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.

    I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me
    nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy
    little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from
    Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for
    Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong,
    who's to blame?...Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my
    kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient,"
    Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his
    idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."

    But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In
    six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run
    smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a
    thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you
    wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."

    But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.

    Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's
    careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite
    no apple.

    All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the
    same, he should have known better, or at least he could have
    blown on other dust.



    Comments

    Marrying into a Jewish Family


    Disadvantage - Your Christmas tree decorations will gather dust in
    their boxes.
    Advantage - You won't have to vacuum up dry pine needles and clog
    the vacuum cleaner.


    Disadvantage - You'll need to keep a straight face when someone
    orders a Virgin Margarita.
    Advantage - Your spouse won't die of cirrhosis.

    Disadvantage - You'll have to sell your archery set.
    Advantage - You won't shoot an arrow into your neighbor's cat (or
    is that a disadvantage?).

    Disadvantage - You'll never have a family member who can fix your
    car.
    Advantage - You won't have to look at tatoos.

    Disadvantage - No one in the family will have 5 beers with you when
    the Yankees win the pennant.
    Advantage - There will always be plenty of sweaters in the house.

    Disadvantage - Used clothing stores will not be the first choice when
    seeking birthday presents for your nephews or nieces.
    Advantage - No one will give your son or daughter an ant farm.

    Disadvantage - Heavy cream will be a thing of the past.
    Advantage - You won't have to specify "diet" when you ask for a
    soda in a family member's house.

    Disadvantage - You won't have to color Easter eggs.
    Advantage - After awhile, you will learn how to pronounce "Challah"
    without anyone laughing at you.











    Comments


    Congregation Agudath Israel of Monsey

    To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
    community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
    is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
    behavior and fines for violations:


    BEHAVIOR ------------------------------------ FINES
    Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha -------------------------- $36
    Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------- 54
    Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
    Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
    Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
    Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
    Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
    Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
    Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
    Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
    Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
    Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
    Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
    Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
    Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
    Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
    Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
    Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
    (Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
    Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
    Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
    Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
    Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
    Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
    Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
    Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
    Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
    Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
    Remaining in Shul with crying baby
    First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
    Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
    Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
    Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
    Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
    Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
    Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
    Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
    Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
    Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur --------------------------- 54
    Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
    Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
    1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
    2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
    Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
    Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72






    Comments

    Air Raid Priorities

    The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs
    toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not
    followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.

    "Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"

    "Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're
    dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"







    Comments

    Alligators

    Q. Why aren't you allowed to handle alligators on Shabbat?

    A. Because they're muktseh me-hamat gader








    Comments

    American Tourist

    There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

    When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
    the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a
    while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

    The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
    Protestant?"

    The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
    is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
    Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to
    the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will
    surely keep him safe.

    The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab
    in Ireland."







    Comments

    It's All Relative
    A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus
    and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
    coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

    The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses
    at him.

    He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"

    She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
    your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

    He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
    I'm Amish."

    The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."
    Comments

    Ambitious Quote



    "My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
    - Herbert Zipper






    (from Two
    Jews, Three Opinions : A Collection of Twentieth-Century American
    Jewish Quotations, page 197)









    Comments

    Another Flood



    A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
    in three days the waters will wipe out the world.


    The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
    to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
    in heaven.


    The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
    late to accept Jesus," he says.


    The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
    "We have three days to learn how to live under water."









    Comments

    Another Look At The Ten Commandments

    I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:



    I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
    not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
    "cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
    Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
    and, hence, right out.

    You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
    fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

    You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
    Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
    though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
    thou spendest, the holier thou art.

    Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
    molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
    affliction... naneenaneebooboo.

    You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
    any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
    queers, women, commies or sissies.

    You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
    Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
    stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
    quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
    just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
    is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
    bugs offa Me!

    Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
    government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
    in to the state or national charter.

    Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
    neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
    thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
    long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

    Go ahead and covet.

    Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
    which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
    and kill anyone who questions thou.






    Comments

    Anyone Up There?


    A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
    when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
    started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
    limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
    Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
    down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
    canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
    of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and
    again he cried out but to no avail.

    Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

    A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

    "Who is it?"

    "It's the L-rd"

    "Can you help me?"

    "Yes, I can help."

    "Help me!"

    "Let go."

    Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

    "Let go. I will catch you."

    "Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"







    Comments

    Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
    by Ben K and Daniel Lewkovitz

    Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
    localizable religion module for their system software. Previous versions
    of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support localizable
    geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple spokesman, but
    no operating system has yet been able to add customisable support for
    religion and culture. The module is to modify the system software to
    interact with the user's ethnicity as closely as possible, so as to
    maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise potential embarrassing
    conflicts and to increase its overall intuitiveness and functionality. The
    first Religion/Organisation Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to
    be released will support the liberal Jewish religion. Others are
    expected to follow in the near future.

    While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
    some weeks from today, several developers have given inside information on
    the beta versions of the software, developed under the codename "Tsures".
    Some of the more obvious and useful features are said to include:

    * The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
    have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
    Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement
    times of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for
    prayer;

    * The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as
    well as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the
    figure is for buying or selling;

    * The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time,
    which is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system
    time;

    * Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
    "Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
    talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of
    words has been added to the speech recognition software. A new
    output voice termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems
    with the physical damage it caused some sound output hardware
    could not be overcome in time and it will be released in a later
    update to the system.

    Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with
    the Jewish faith include:

    * The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;

    * The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";

    * The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a
    yarmulke and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So?
    Why has it taken so long to see me again?";

    * Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
    asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
    shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";

    * Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes,
    the Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will
    just sit here frozen...";

    * Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";

    * The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
    VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
    error-correction;

    * Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI
    and PCI buses.

    Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to take
    advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec and other
    anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk scan utilities
    to include the ability to scan your system and peripherals in El-Al mode,
    which picks up guns, bombs and knives, while un-erase utilities now
    display useful information such as "See? I TOLD you a million times...
    if you don't back up..."

    However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
    reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so that
    it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will never be
    able to find anything again. He also reported unusual messages in
    "Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed stuck on the same
    thing every day. Another noted that his network probes showed that
    AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with short messages being
    exchanged between a few selected nearby machines for long periods of time.
    Also, machines, and especially older machines, often appeared to send
    messages repeatedly just to themselves.

    Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
    users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
    widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by the
    hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
    complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it near
    me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time assuring me
    that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to kiss." This
    does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as some users
    reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill" program developed in
    parallel for US users.

    Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called "Moses".
    Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access any address
    inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying images on the
    screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim to have caught it
    in the act of gathering information about the user's occupation and
    forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers to a
    shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".

    Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from them,
    started making strange incantations and caused their memory chips to burst
    into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages about giving burnt
    RAM offerings to the Lord.

    While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
    believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
    Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
    processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
    Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism is
    reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
    acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates.









    Comments

    Look After the Jews


    An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him.
    When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave.

    When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews".

    The son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more
    important to say to me at this moment?"

    The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for,
    it will be our turn."






    Comments

    Army Boy

    Meek and mild-mannered Sammy Ginsberg reported for basic training and the
    sergeant immediately complained to his captain. "This guy will never be
    a soldier. Just look at him!"

    The captain responded, "Is it because he's Jewish? Let's get rid of
    those stereotypes. Most of the Jewish guys who come through here do just
    fine, and look at the Israeli army. They're the best!"

    "OK, OK, sir ", said the sergeant, backing off. " We'll give him a fair
    chance."

    Sammy did quite well, following instructions, not making trouble, and
    learning all the military skills the training required. In fact, being
    good at science and math, he earned the highest score on the rifle range
    by carefully making all the delicate sighting adjustments called for to
    compensate for distance, wind, elevation, and so forth. Even the farm
    boys, who had been firing guns most of their lives, were impressed by his
    skill. Sammy did will on long hikes, too, having developed strong legs
    from having to walk long distances to and from shul on each Sabbath and
    on the holidays.

    "Didn't I tell you?", said the captain, and the sergeant nodded his
    agreement.

    A small war broke out, and the unit was hurriedly transferred out to the
    field to replace another unit. The sergeant led his platoon into battle,
    shouting encouragement to all the scared young soldiers. They marched up
    a hill, and ther on the other side was the enemy. A fierce struggle
    broke out, bullets flying, shells exploding , smoke and pandemonium
    everywhere. Then the sergeant noticed that Sammy was not firing his
    rifle. "Shoot, Sammy," he yelled. "What's your problem? Start shooting!"


    Sammy looked up unhappily. "but Sarge," he said, "there are PEOPLE out
    there!"










    Comments

    As I Was Saying ...
    by Leon Schwarzbaum


    As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
    country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
    put into work camps.

    As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
    it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.

    As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
    a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.

    As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
    wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.

    As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
    a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
    asked,"Jeb who?"

    As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
    make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.

    As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
    a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.

    As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
    starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
    Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
    because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.






    Comments

    Ask the Rabbi



    Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
    A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered
    as if you are wearing the plane.

    Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been
    stolen?
    A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?

    Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an
    old bubbe?
    A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.

    Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
    A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.

    Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your
    health?
    A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.

    Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money
    on Chol HaMoed.







    Comments

    The Atheist and the Monster



    An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
    attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
    him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
    both.

    As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my G-d! Help me!"

    At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
    hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
    you didn't believe in Me!"

    "Come on G-d, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
    didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"





    Comments

    Noah Sermon


    Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested
    but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided
    to come back to the faith of his fathers.

    One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd
    been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He
    heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the
    question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all
    life in the world.

    The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was
    sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out
    of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the
    flood victims."










    Comments

    Kosher Bagel Seeds


    The following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing
    Cheerios.

    WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
    Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.

    WHEN TO PLANT
    Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed
    and pumpernickel grow well in summer.

    CARE OF PLANTS
    Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the
    middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for
    irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least
    four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not
    develop properly! Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!

    NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to
    become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .

    While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by
    sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a
    professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers
    will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even
    if it does hasten the growth. However those who like egg bagels have
    had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.

    TO EAT
    Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and
    cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already
    topped). Use when ripe. . While day-old bagels may be toasted and
    eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for
    missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!

    GUARANTEE
    If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A
    BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.









    Comments

    The Ballad of Doivd Chochett
    To the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"

    by Mickey Katz



    NOTE FROM LORI: This was sent to me from a visitor to this page,
    who couldn't remember it in its entirety. His notes are
    in italics. If you know the rest of the song, please email
    it to me at
    sunybgrad@yahoo.com




    Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
    Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat

    Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
    Flecked him a chicken when he was only three

    Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

    In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
    Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
    ??? redskins all over the shteitle,
    He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.

    Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
    He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
    Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
    From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
    I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
    Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.

    Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street

    He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
    Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
    Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
    He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.

    Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
    (he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
    Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

    He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
    Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
    He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
    He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.

    Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
    (he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
    Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
    He's back on Delancy Street.










    Comments

    Bar Mitzvah Definition



    A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization
    that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play
    for one.













    Comments

    Bar Mitzvah Extravagance



    The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
    Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with
    beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot
    and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing
    forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.

    Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the
    situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil
    rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so
    worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must
    or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.

    As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess
    greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
    And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized
    sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked,
    "And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"

    This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping
    with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal
    it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"

    "Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
    works only in halvah!"












    Comments

    The Bar Mitzvah Gift



    There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
    the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
    Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack
    of preparation.

    When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
    usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

    But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
    gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your
    life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
    gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn,
    and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I
    present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST
    I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"












    Comments

    The High-Tech Bar Mitzvah Gift
    from Bubbe's Porch


    20 June 1999
    I just got back from Zachary Paul-Brock's bar mitzvah. I've known
    him since he was 2 days old. Did I kvell! Such wisdom comes out of
    his mouth. And poise. Oy, was he poised.


    So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.
    I'm thinking I want to get him something that will last a little
    longer, maybe have a little more personal meaning.

    Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.


    A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with
    that? That's not a good gift. Get him a fountain pen, or an id
    bracelet."


    So what do you think happens? I tell him, "I got you the ram you
    asked for, only it's not made out of silicon chips." Wise yes.
    But still a little gullible. So, he's looking at this big box I
    hand him, shaking it, no noise, "what kind of ram could this be?"
    he asks as his voice cracks on the "be."


    But before I can continue my joke, he shreds the wrapping paper,
    rips open the box, and puts the shofar to his lips. First time,
    he just blows spit all over the place. Next, he takes a big
    breath, and lets out a deep, long, resonant shofar blast that
    probably woke the neighbors or the dead or somebody.


    He puts the shofar up to his nose and takes a big whiff and then
    gags. "Now, I get it. The shofar is made from a ram's horn. That
    is sooooo cool. I'm gonna hand this to my dad and ask him to
    install my new ram in my computer"


    You can trust Bubbe. She knows from gifts.











    Comments

    Bar Mizvah Reception



    Herman Greenbaum had suddenly come into a large sum of money when
    his small manufacturing company was acquired by a multi-national
    conglomerate. This was fortunate, as Herman's son, Izzy, had just
    turned 13 and it was time to plan the Bar Mitzvah.

    In keeping with his new station in life, Herman calls up the
    fanciest catering company on Long Island and asks for their "free
    party planning consultation."

    The caterer arrives at Herman's palatial new house and beings to
    describe a number of possible options. With each suggestion, Herman
    shrugs and asks, "But can't you come up with something more
    unusual for my little Isadore?"

    "Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your
    son really likes?"

    Herman thinks for a minute and then responds, "Well, he likes animals.
    We got him a cocky spaniel and he really love to play with the dog."

    "Aha," say the caterer. "I think I have just the thing!" And, with
    the authority of a craftsman who truly knows his trade, the caterer
    describes his proposal:

    "On the eve of the Bar Mitzvah, we will rent an entire floor
    at the Plaza in New York to accommodate all of the guests. We
    will take them to the synagog by limosine and then return to
    the Plaza for an elegant seven course formal dinner.

    "Following the dinner, when they return to their rooms, they
    will each find a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne and fresh
    cut flowers in a sourvenir Steuben crystal vase etched with
    a likeness of your son and the date of the Bar Mitzvah.

    "The next morning, the limosines will line up in front of the
    Plaza and, with an official police escort, will take everyone to
    JFK airport where we will have chartered two Concordes to fly the
    Bar Mitzvah boy and the entire Bar Mitzvah party to Israel.

    "There in the old city of Jerusalem, your rabbi will lead the boy
    through his Torah and Haftora portions.

    "Following the ceremony, the guests will be chauffeured back to
    the airport where they will board the waiting Corncordes for a
    champagne reception as the planes break the sound barrier in
    close formation.

    "The planes will then land in Nairobi where the guests will be
    met by an entourage of elephants who will carry them on a safari
    throught the great Serengeti preserve while three acclaimed
    photographers from the National Geographic snap pictures of your
    son and the guests with the exotic wildlife as a cherished momentos
    of the occassion."

    Herman is duly impressed and agrees that this will be a truly fine
    celebration for little Izzy.


    Come the night before the Bar Mitzvah, everyone arrives at the Plaza.
    The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests
    to the synagog. The dinner is more spectactular than even Herman
    imagined. Everyone is delighted with their accommodations. The next
    morning, the trip to JFK airport is led by a police escort with small
    Israeli flags fluttering from the back of the police motorcycles.

    The trip to Israel on the Concordes is perfect. Little Izzy gets to
    read his Torah and Haftora portions with barely an error. The guests
    enjoy the champagne reception at the speed of sound and are delighted
    when they see the elephants lined up at the Nairobi airport.

    Off they head into the Serengeti nature preserve while the National
    Geographic photographers snap photographs of little Izzy and the
    guests.

    But soon the entourage comes to a complete stop in the middle of the
    grasslands. The procession does not move. Ten minutes go by. Then
    twenty. Then an hour. The sun is hot and the guests are becoming
    restless. Finally, Herman grows concerned enough to instruct the
    handler of his elephant to have the elephant kneel down so that Herman
    can get off and find out what's happening.

    Herman walks up the line of elephants, reassuring the guests. As he
    nears the front of the safari, he meets the caterer who is coming in
    the opposite direction.

    "What's going on??" asks Herman, his voice quivering with dismay.

    "Now, now, Mr. Greenbaum," replies the caterer, reassuringly. "You
    will just have to be patient. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of
    us."












    Comments

    A Lunar Bar Mitzvah

    A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. The
    African safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often (that's from another
    joke, by the way), so the father arranged to rent the space shuttle from
    NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of
    attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.

    The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters
    asked, "How was the service?"

    Grandma answered, "OK".

    "How was the boy's speech?"

    "OK."

    "How was the food?"

    "OK."

    "Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"

    "There was no atmosphere!"











    Comments

    Billy Crystal's Response to the Orthodox Rabbis


    Credited to Billy Crystal at last year's Oscars (March 1997)-



    Upon learning that a group of Orthodox rabbi's are questioning his
    Judiasm, Billy quips "You mean, I now have to buy retail!!??"











    Comments

    The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album



    Can`t Buy me Guilt


    Roll Over Maimonides


    We Can Kvetch it Out


    I Am the Bibi

    Eleanor Rigby-Cohen

    Lucy In The Shul With Derma

    Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On

    We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball

    You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah
    Too

    Can't Buy Me Kishka

    This Goy

    Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band

    All You Need Is Lev

    The Shul on the Hill

    Your Mother Should Only Know

    If I Kvell










    Comments

    Informal US-Israeli-Palestinian Talks


    As heard on NPR:




    During the recent summit, Clinton wanted to make the the meeting
    friendly and informal. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu
    that they would be calling others by first names. He started by
    introducing himself...My name is Bill, and yours is... BeBe replied the
    President of Israel. Then Bill said let me introduce you to Arafat.
    Cinton then said "Yassir... thats my BEBE!!" :)




    Comments

    Ben-Gurion's Tie




    David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli
    fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim
    Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.

    "David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all
    the foreign guests who are here."

    Ben-Gurion replies, "But Winston Churchill gave me his permission."

    "What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!"
    says Weizmann.

    Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill
    said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in
    London!'"










    Comments

    What Makes Someone a Jew?


    "Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
    - Ben-Gurion













    Comments

    The Butler's Mistake



    This Jewish couple won $20 million on the lottery. They
    immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.
    They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton
    and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
    imaginable.

    They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London,
    England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back
    to the U.S.

    The next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining
    room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over
    for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.

    When the couple returned that evening they found the table set
    for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they
    specifically instructed him to set the table for four?

    The butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were
    bringing the Bagels and the Biallys."











    Comments

    Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu


    10. Yahu Netanbibi
    9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
    8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
    7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
    6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
    5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
    4. The Unabibi
    3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
    2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
    1. Snoop Bibi Bib

    Comments

    Bibi Light Bulb Joke


    Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.


    Comments

    Bible in 40 Words

    G-d made
    Adam bit
    None stayed
    Noah built
    Abraham split
    Isaac fooled
    Jacob loved
    Joseph ruled
    Bush talked
    Moses balked
    Pharaoh plagued
    People walked
    Sea divided
    Tablets guided
    Promise landed
    Solomon judged
    Saul freaked
    David peeked
    Prophets warned
    G-d remained.












    Comments

    Baseball in the Bible




    Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:


    In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
    Eve stole first
    Adam stole second
    Gideon rattled the pitchers
    Goliath was put out by David











    Comments

    Bibical Characters' Songs


    Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

    Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

    Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

    Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

    Moses: "The Wanderer"

    Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

    Samson: "Hair"










    Comments

    Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version



    And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

    And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
    upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
    arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
    arose, and didst say:

    Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
    will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
    his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
    not another to help him up.

    And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
    the mighty fallen. And G-d saw the Egg fall.

    And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
    the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
    heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

    I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
    me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
    Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

    When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
    troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
    ariseth, and thus did say:

    I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
    remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
    in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
    multitude of] my men.

    And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
    and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
    that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
    base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

    But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
    unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
    thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
    wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

    And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
    where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
    for they knew not whether 'twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
    had been in the beginning.

    And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
    fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
    together again.

    When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
    great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
    stilled.

    Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
    man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

    For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
    spirit before a fall.


    Comments

    Open The Bible And Point



    There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his
    wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't
    know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in
    ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor
    little dog. PLEASE help me."

    The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a
    sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do."

    So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic
    and opened up to a page and pointed to a word.

    A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog
    walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You
    changed my life!"

    The Rabbi asked, "What did I do that helped so much?"

    So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months
    ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?"

    "Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?"

    So the man replied, "Chapter 11."











    Comments

    Bible Riddles



    Q: What is G-d's favorite sport?
    A: Baseball because the Torah begins (in English) In the big Inning.


    Q: What sport did Moses play?
    A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's
    courts.


    Q: How do we know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible?
    A: "And Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."


    Q: How do we know that Moses played football?
    A: Moshe kibel et haTorah umasra liY'hoshua...etc. Obviously he was
    playing football!


    Q: How do we know that righteous people do not need a prayerbook on
    the High Holy Days?
    A: KI EYN MACHSOR LY'REYAV.


    Q: How do we know that mashiach will have a beard?
    A: AL TASHEV P'NEY M'SHICHEKHA.


    Q: How do we know that Yosef was Moshe's mother?
    Q: VA-YIKACH MOSHE ET ATZMOT YOSEF IMO. (Ex. 13:19)


    Q: How do we know that Vashti was cloned?
    A: GAM VASHTI HA-MALKAH ASTAH "MISHTEY" NASHIM. (Esther 1:9)


    Q: Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible ?
    A: "Chap. I".


    Q: Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible ?
    A: Bildad the Shuhite




    Comments

    Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times


    Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
    had had an affair with a former worshipper.

    The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
    Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
    week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
    claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
    constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
    was "thrilled to have had his child."

    In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
    saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
    of this story will come out in time, verily."

    Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
    with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
    questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
    whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
    illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
    the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
    who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

    Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
    with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
    investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
    to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
    Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
    questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
    God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
    claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
    was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
    giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
    special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

    If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
    blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
    stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
    Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
    a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
    in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
    it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
    lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
    Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.




    Comments

    Blessings vs. Curses



    So here is the carefully crafted, classic Jewish curse, as
    compared to the classic Jewish blessing:


    Blessing:
    "You should live a long life, make a good income,
    and have naches from the children."

    Curse:
    "You should live a long life, have good naches, and
    an income from the children."










    Comments

    Blues for Jews
    by Benny Gourionne
    (aka Stephen D. Gross)



    We got Hebrews
    They play da Blues
    and den they sit a-
    round an' Shmooze
    Then they eat Latkes
    It's like a hot kiss
    that burns the heart
    mmm-mm-mmm-mm

    When Jascha Heifetz
    plays the fiddle
    it's jes' like I sits
    in the middle
    of two young chippies
    from Mississippi
    who sing the Blues
    mmm-mm-mm-mmm

    If Itzhaak Perlman
    played blues with me
    we'd get some girls, man
    they'd make coffee
    we'd pet their poodle
    then eat their strudel
    baked with the Blues
    mm-mmm-mm-mm

    Give me some quarters
    fire up them jukes
    Talmuddy Waters
    plays the Five Books
    he even says, Ma
    that he plays Kelzmer
    behind da Shul
    mmm-mm-mm-mmm

    We got shmaltz herring
    and kishke too
    Some fat back matzoh
    and goulash stew
    but stop your honkin'
    about that Flanken
    It still can't Moo
    mm-mm-mmm-mm

    Well Benny Goodman played clarinet
    and sweet Al Jolson
    he sure could sweat
    Then Bo and Fats heard
    how Mickey Katz purred
    They're listenin' yet
    mm-mmm-mm-mmm

    We love Yom Kippur
    dat's when we fast
    then we feel chipper
    we eat at last!
    carry no money
    but milk and honey
    they chase the blues

    Dem guys with hoods
    they run at dawn
    a big Menorah
    burns on my lawn
    they'd like to cook us
    come kiss my tuchas
    til'you turn blue
    mm-mm-mmm-mm












    Comments

    Congregation Board Decision


    The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in
    the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

    "The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"












    Comments

    Suit Up, Boychik
    It's Every Jewish Boy's Bad Dream:
    Going With Mom to Shop For a Bar Mitzvah Outfit

    by Suzanne C. Ryan,
    As Appeared in "The Boston Globe", Wednesday, March 4, 1998


    NEWTON (MA) - It's a weekday afternoon and 12-year-old Ben Lewis
    would rather be anywhere else right now.

    Standing in front of a mirror at the men's clothing store
    Simon & Sons, Ben is dejectedly modeling for his mother the black
    suit he'll wear to his bar mitzvah next month.

    "Do you like the plain fabric?" prompts his mother, Sherri Lewis.
    "Yea," Ben mumbles.

    "Do you want to try on the pinstriped suit?" she asks. "No," he says.

    "Do you care if it's poly-wool or regular wool?" she asks. Ben
    shrugs nonchalantly.

    At a time when baggy jeans and hooded sweat shirts are the norm,
    it's not easy talking up a tailored business suit to a gum-popping
    12-year-old. Just ask some of the Jewish mothers in the Boston
    area who are scrambling to prepare their sons for their bar
    mitzvahs, one of the most anticipated of childhood events.

    "He didn't want to come," says Sherri Lewis. "I had to bribe him
    and coax him. I said, 'The bar mitzvah is a few weeks away. We've
    got to go.'"

    Without question, the suit-buying event is a major part of the
    tradition surrounding a Jewish boy's big day, a coming-of-age
    religious ceremony in which 13-year-olds are called to read and
    interpret the Torah, Judaism's sacred text, in front of their
    congregation.

    But for many boys, buying a suit is a new and traumatic experience.
    For one thing, it's embarrassing and totally uncool to be seen in
    a suit. The universal uniform to wear to a friend's bar mitzvah
    is khaki pants and blue blazers. (It's so common that parents
    complain their kids often grab the wrong blue blazer after the
    event.)

    Hard, toe-pinching dress shoes are also a foreign concept to boys
    who've sported comfy sneakers and trendy ankle boots since they
    were old enough to care about clothes.

    They don't know how to tie a tie. And -- after years of shopping
    at stores like the Gap -- they've never had a salesperson ask
    about sartorial preferences like double-breasted jackets or cuffed
    pant legs.

    "Christian Dior. What's that?" asks 12-year-old Daniel Jaynes, of
    Canton.

    For many parents, the bar mitzvah shopping spree is an ordeal as
    well. It's so much easier dressing daughters for their bat mitzvahs
    (the equivalent event for 13-year-old girls.) While preteen girls
    can be sullen too, more of them are fond of shopping and most have
    worn a fancy dress to an event before.

    Not so for many boys. And not only are their suits expensive (they
    typically range from $185 to $300), they need all the accessories,
    too: dress shoes ($45 to $75), dress socks ($5), dress shirt ($25 to
    $30), tie ($15 to $20), and dress belt ($15 to $20).

    And for all that expense, the boys may wear the suit only four or
    five times before they outgrow it.

    'It's going to be very painful to shell out $300 to $400," says Lea
    Berkovits, of Brookline, who has seven children, including
    12-year-old son Chanan.

    Then there's the actual search for the outfit. You'd think that
    would be the easy part. But not that many stores sell boys' suits.
    Macy's has a few, but Filene's doesn't, nor TJ Maxx, nor Miltons. If
    you know about it, there's Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse in
    Braintree, and Lebow Brothers Men's & Boy's Clothing in Wellesley.



    Part store, part therapist

    But the word in the temples is: Simon & Sons. The retailer began
    stocking boys' suits in its Newton store five years ago, after
    Jewish mothers in the area basically demanded it. Now the men's
    store is like bar mitzvah central, offering one of the largest
    selections of boys' suits in the area (350 choices), as well as
    six styles of boys' dress shoes; 50 patterns of boys' ties (sized
    to fit a boy's neck, and with a sheet of instructions on tying);
    five styles of boys' belts; and seven styles of boys' shirts ranging
    from size 8 to 20.

    "We've got everything for boys, from head to toe," says Paul Simon,
    owner of the two-store company.

    That kind of selection has created a flood of bar mitzvah shoppers.
    Indeed, on one wall the store has 250 snapshots of bar mitzvah boys.
    Posing in their newly purchased suits, the kids are lined up in rows
    with names like Levy, Stern, Siegel, and Bloom. During the recent
    school vacation week, more than 100 mothers and their sons visited
    the store.

    Says shopper Eva Victor Lessin, of Lexington, "In temple, everyone
    talks about this store."

    To be sure, merchandise alone isn't the only thing that's made
    Simon & Sons remarkable. Its real contribution may be that -- during
    one of the most important events of its customers' lives -- the store
    willingly serves as part clothier, part family therapist, and part
    peacemaker. Somehow, its salespeople have mastered how to resolve
    family feuds while overcoming boys' indifference to fashion, or their
    ignorance of it.

    "We've had maternal and paternal grandparents in here arguing over
    who's going to pay," says salesman David Duggan. "Meanwhile, we're
    like the dentist to some kids," he says.

    A parent, too, can be caught up in the emotions of the upcoming
    occasion -- acknowledging his or her boy as a young man. Indeed,
    while Liliane Schor, of Wayland, joyfully reminisces about her
    18-year-old son's bar mitzvah five years ago, Simon listens patiently
    while he quickly outfits her twin sons David and Michael in
    gray-pinstripe and olive-green suits.

    "What style ties do you guys like?" Simon asks them. 'I don't know,"
    they both respond. No problem. Simon suggests geometric patterns.

    A similar Q&A ensues over the shirts and belts, and in 45 minutes flat,
    the 13-year-old twins are suited up and headed out the door. Liliane
    Schor is beaming. "They're going to look so handsome," she says.



    When kids balk

    Of course, some kids don't want a salesperson, or their parents,
    telling them how to dress. When Simon recommends a burgundy belt for
    an olive green suit, Daniel Jaynes wrinkles up his nose. "I like
    black," he says. When Simon suggests a royal blue shirt to match a
    blue blazer (for a bar mitzvah after-party), Daniel rejects the idea,
    muttering under his breath, "He's just saying that because he's
    wearing a blue shirt."

    Then Daniel spots another after-party item, a funky printed black vest,
    and there's no stopping him. "I'm buying it. It's spiffy," he says.
    "It doesn't go with your blazer," says his mother, Lois Jaynes. But
    Daniel's ready for her. "Listen, I'll wear it with a white shirt and
    khakis," he says. Lois Jaynes sighs, "He's a clotheshorse."

    Some kids are embarrassed to tell a salesperson no. After 45 minutes
    of poking and prodding, salesman Robert Carney has a bar mitzvah
    outfit all laid out for Ben Lewis: a black suit with a cream shirt,
    and black and tan tie. Ben gives a nod and his mom is at the cash
    register.

    Then Ben confides to his 15-year-old sister, Rebecca, that he really
    doesn't like the outfit. "Tell her," Rebecca urges. But Ben waits
    until Carney walks away. "I want to wear a regular white shirt, and
    black and white tie," he whispers to his mom.

    Since Sherri Lewis is wearing an ivory-colored dress, she tries to
    talk Ben into the cream shirt. "It would be nice if we matched for
    the pictures," she says.

    Ben is silent. Seconds pass.

    "OK. It's your day," says his mom.

    Standing at the cash register, Ben smiles for the first time in an
    hour. The shopping ordeal is over.





    Comments

    Brachot
    What bracha do you say when you sit down on a piece of gum?
    Lei-shev bazooka

    What do you call an artificial sacrifice?
    A korbon copy

    What can you do on Friday night if you've forgotten to buy
    anything for lechem mishna?
    Turn to the door and say "Bo-i challa, bo-i challa."

    What do you say when the challa comes in?
    Shalom Ha-Lechem










    Comments

    Bris or Get?
    Q: What's the difference between a Bris and a Get [Jewish Divorce]?

    A: In a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck!











    Comments

    The Bris
    as told by Alan Dershowitz
    in The
    Vanishing American Jew




    For those who believe that the birth of a son is the most
    joyous event, the ceremony honoring it has a good news-bad
    news quality, at least for the boy.

    A week after the birth, the boy is given a party, with herring,
    wine, cake.

    Then suddenly comes the bad news, as he realizes the purpose of
    the party!

    Maybe that's why Jews have traditionally had such an aversion to
    alcohol. But it doesn't explain our attraction to cake!












    Comments

    Brisket Recipe



    A young Jewish mother is preparing a Brisket one Friday for Shabbat dinner.
    Her daughter watches with interest as the mother slices off the ends of
    the Brisket before placing it in the roasting pan.

    The young girl asks her mother why she did this. The mother pauses for a
    moment and then says, "You know, I am not sure.....this is the way I always
    saw my mother make a brisket. Let's call Grandma and ask her. "

    So, she phones the grandmother and asks why they always slice the ends off
    the brisket before roasting. "The Grandmother thinks for a moment and
    then says. "You know, I am not sure why, this is the way I always saw MY
    mother make a brisket."

    Now the two women are very curious, so they pay a visit to the
    great-grandmother in the nursing home. "You know when we make a brisket,"
    they explain, "we always slice off the ends before roasting. Why is that?"

    "I don't know why you do it" says the old woman, "but I never had a pan
    that was large enough!"











    Comments

    Brits vs. Jews

    The Difference between an British Gentlemen and A Jew is :


    A British Gentlemen leaves and doesn't say good bye.


    A Jew says good bye and doesn't leave.











    Comments

    Mohel in the Bronx



    On the Lower East Side of N.Y. was a store front with the name
    MOISHE THE MOHEL. He was very popular in the neighborhood and made
    lots of money. As his prosperity grew he and his wife decided to
    upgrade and move to the Grand Concourse in The Bronx. Up there his
    store front sign reads, MAURICE THE YANKEE CLIPPER.




    Comments

    Brooklyn Travel

    An out-of-towner driving east in Crown Heights Brooklyn
    pulls up his car next to a local Hassid and asks, "How far
    is it to Fifth Avenue in Manhattan?"

    The Hassid considers it for a moment, then answers "The way
    you're going, about twenty-four thousand miles."










    Comments

    Bubbe



    A Jewish grandmother takes her five year-old granchild
    for a walk in the park one day. A neighbor sees them,
    comes up and says "What a beautiful little girl!"

    "That's nothing," says the grandma. "You should see her picture."














    Comments

    A Bubbe's Guide to Impeachable Offenses






    Checking out with more than 10 Items in the Supermarket Express Lane.

    Getting caught hiding in the basement on Yom Kippur, eating a ham sandwich on white bread and washing it down with a glass of milk.

    Hiding winning Mah Jongg tiles in your brassiere.

    Grabbing the last four cans of the tuna that's on sale off the supermarket shelf *after* you've seen Mrs. Nussbaum from Apt. 2-B being dropped off at the store by her daughter.

    Giving the cat Mrs. Nussbaum's can of tuna just for the sheer joy of it.

    Deciding to go for the "Christie Brinkley" look right before your grandson's wedding, complete with blond hair and blue eyeshadow.

    Throwing out four boxes of post-WWII seamed stockings just because modern pantyhose get fewer runs.

    Having two glasses of Manischewitz instead of one at your grandnephews Bar Mitzvah, falling off your folding chair and having to be helped out to the car.

    Melting your free collection of rain bonnets by placing them too close to the Shabbos candles.

    Telling your expecting granddaughter that she has to name her baby Irving because "It's been 20 years, and no one is named after Grandpop."

    Running out of Shabbos candles and rather than getting out to the store, borrowing a 10-inch one in a container with a soulful-eyed New Testament figure on it, from Mrs. Velasquez down the hall.

    After your grandson's wedding, entertaining the guests at Table #20 with tales of your recent colonoscopy just as dinner is served.

    Recycling last year's received Chanukah cards with a wallet-sized x-ray of your colonoscopy on the front and the greeting: "It's a REAL MIRACLE I didn't die.

    Getting to the Early Bird Special twenty minutes late and insisting you were there on time.

    Getting an 'OU-Glatt Kosher' stamp and using it on 'Jimmy Dean Li'l Frozen Sausages' whenever your Orthodox relatives come for brunch.












    Comments

    Bubbe's Medicine



    In the middle of a grand theatrical performance one of the leading
    actors collapses, groaning, on stage. Responding to anxious requests
    for help from the manager a concerned huddle soon develops around
    him consisting, among others, of not a few eminent physicians who
    happen to be present in the auditorium. As they cluster round
    discussing possible diagnoses and treatments and the audience looks
    on enthralled, a voice rings out from the balcony:

    "Give him chicken soup!"

    The figures on stage pay no attention and carry on with their
    deliberations. For a second time the voice cries out:

    "Give him some chicken soup!"

    The discussions on stage continue, perhaps becoming somewhat more
    heated, and more urgent. For a third time, louder than before, the
    voice comes:

    "Give the poor man some chicken soup!"

    Exasperated, one of the figures on stage turns and addresses the
    source of the voice, a small wizened Jewish grandmother:

    "My good woman", he says, "This man is gravely ill. What on earth
    could possibly be the benefit to him of plying him with chicken soup?"

    All eyes turn to hear her response.

    "And what harm?"











    Comments

    Oy Am I Thirsty


    It's the 6 am bus and real quiet. All of a sudden, an old
    bubbeh yells out "Oy am I thirsty!" "Oy am I thirsty!"
    "Oy am I thirsty!" And she goes on and on and on at the top
    of her lungs.

    The sleepy passengers beg the bus driver to stop at the next
    corner and get the kvetch a drink already!

    So he does. "Here lady! Drink up! And shut up!"

    She drinks the drink. The bus moves on. The passengers nod off
    again or peek into their newspapers, happy the old bubbeh is
    quiet. All of a sudden they hear....

    "Oy WAS I thirsty!" "Oy, was I thirsty!"














    Comments

    Plot Resolution


    Two people had a dispute over a particular burial plot. Each one
    claimed the piece of land for himself. The men presented their
    arguments to the rabbi, and left the final decision up to him.

    After a while, the rabbi said to them, "It is a very difficult case.
    Each one of you has very good arguments. Thus, I decree that whoever
    dies first will have the right to this burial place".

    From then on, they stopped fighting ...




    Comments

    Jewish Business Secrets


    Hymie Cohen and his friend Mick Murphy have adjacent shops on New York's
    East Side. After five years Hymie owns the whole block, while Mick only
    has a small shop.

    "Hymie, I'm fed up. We both work the same. Tell me, what's the secret of
    Jewish business success?"

    "Easy," replies Hymie. "Gefilte fish."

    "Gefilte fish? Well, could you let me have some?"

    Hymie sells Mick a pound for $10. On his way home, Mick notices another
    shop selling Gefilte fish for only $4 per pound. He returns to Hymie's.
    "Listen, Hymie, it's very kind of you to give me the secret of Jewish
    business success, but I saw gefilte fish on sale down the road at less
    than half the price."

    "See," said Hymie, "it's working already!"










    Comments

    Camp Necessities


    Marvin went to Boy Scout camp. During inspection the scoutmaster
    found an umbrella in his bedroll.

    "What's this doing here", he yelled. "This isn't listed as a
    necessary item".

    "Maybe not", Marvin replied, "but you don't have a Jewish mother".











    Comments

    Cantorial Insurance
    as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor



    "A cantor brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing
    voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London
    for $750,000."

    There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room. Suddenly,
    from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
    woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"











    Comments

    Capitalism



    After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her
    students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose
    father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish,
    I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."

    Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around
    the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'











    Comments

    Catholic Conversion


    A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the
    Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the
    Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew
    to convert him.

    Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take
    the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones:
    ....."Born a Jew
    ......Raised a Jew
    ......Now a Catholic."


    The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells
    every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of
    barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to
    the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing
    over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and
    saying:
    ....."Born a cow
    ......Raised a cow
    ......Now a fish."














    Comments

    Chaya and Schmeryl's Wedding Program


    Welcome to Chaya and Schmeryl's wedding. We are delighted that all
    of you could be here to gorge yourselves at Chaya's parents' expense.
    We have prepared this booklet in order to illustrate the beauty and
    deep meaning of the Jewish wedding ceremony, as well as to provide a
    means to distract you during the rabbi's endless dreying and deflect
    your neighbors' flatulence.

    Kabalat Panim

    The day's festivities begin with kabbalat panim, an opportunity to
    offer a joyous greeting to the bride, who is escorted in by her
    friends and family. Chaya is seated on a large, throne-like chair,
    where she receives greetings from guests. At this point, it is
    customary for the men to attack the smorgasbord like a pack of
    hungry refugees.

    It is customary for women to comment aloud about how beautiful the
    bride looks, while musing quietly about what she'll look like after
    about ten years of childbirth and strudel.

    The Ketubah



    Archaic and incomprehensible legal documents play a very important
    role in Judaism. One of the most important such documents is the
    ketubah, an ancient document that details Schmeryl's monetary
    responsibilities and Chaya's claim to all of his assets, including the
    shirt off his back, as security for those obligations in the event of
    death or divorce. It is customary to decorate this document with
    pretty flowers and other colorful designs and hang it from the wall
    of the couple's new home.

    At this point in history, the role of the ketubah is important, but
    largely symbolic, unlike the shtar tannaim, which is completely useless.
    The shtar tannaim is an agreement between the two families that their
    children should get married. Duh. Like, if they didn't want them to
    get married, why am I, like, wearing a gown?

    The Chosson's Tisch

    "Tisch" literally means table in Yiddish. At the "chosson's tisch,"
    the men gather around a table and serenade Schmeryl with Hebrew
    drinking songs. The same table is also used to sign the ketubah and
    tannaim. It is considered a fortuitous sign to spill an entire glass
    of scotch all over a $1,200 illuminated ketubah. If the groom is a
    scholar, he delivers a torah lecture. While he is speaking, it is
    customary for the men to discuss the basketball or football game that
    they are missing in order to be at the wedding.

    Bedekin

    An important part of the marriage ceremony is the bedekin, wherein the
    bride and groom see each other for the first time after a week of
    separation, and prepare for the marriage ceremony. In order to make
    this process as noisy and confusing as possible, Schmeryl is danced in
    by a large crowd of smelly men. He then lowers the veil down over
    Chaya's face, consummating an important part of the marriage process.
    Many authorities insist that Chaya's veil remain down from now until
    the wedding ceremony. This is because it is funny to watch her bump
    into things.

    The Procession

    During the ceremony, Chaya and Schmeryl will stand under the chuppah,
    or wedding canopy. The chuppah is a symbol of the Jewish home, since
    most Jewish homes are built to look like large white bedsheets.

    Schmeryl is preceded by a procession of his close friends and family:
    bubbe and zayde; his brothers, Yonkie and Yitzie; sister Huvie and
    friends Chaim Mukapuckapucka, Louis Friedsnickman and Dr. Steven
    Putzamulla. Schmeryl will then enter, escorted by his mother and
    father, who are carrying lit candles in order to keep away the
    mosquitoes.

    Chaya's family and friends are next: bubbe and zayde; sisters Mali,
    Rachel and Latifa; brother Duvie and friends Shani Grezputkinoff and
    Dani Rulbuggabug. Chaya, together with her parents, will enter next,
    at which point it is customary to stand up and take flash pictures
    8 inches from her face.

    When Chaya has reached the chuppah, she will walk around Schmeryl
    seven times. Seven is a very significant number in Judaism, as it
    is the smallest positive number that is the sum of a perfect square
    and an odd number greater than one.

    Kiddushin

    In ancient times, a man would betroth a woman by hitting her over the
    head with a large rock or animal bone and dragging her away. Judaism
    sought to bring reverence and sancity to this relationship between
    man and woman. We were therefore commanded at Sinai to recite a short
    Hebrew formula before hitting the woman on the head with a large rock
    or animal bone and dragging her away.

    The essence of the wedding ceremony is "kiddushin," wherein Schmeryl
    buys Chaya for a nominal sum. Once Schmeryl has bought Chaya, no one
    else is allowed to either buy or borrow Chaya and Schmeryl may not sell
    Chaya at any point. Any liens, easements or sale-leaseback
    arrangements involving Chaya that pre-date Schmeryl's purchase should
    not be discussed publicly, except in low tones among cousins and family
    friends during the wedding ceremony.

    Nesuin

    The second half of the wedding ceremony (which is actually the first
    half; don't ask) is known as nesuin. This act symbolizes the groom's
    removal of the bride from her father's house and her placement in his
    own domicile. There are several rituals that are used to fulfill this
    obligation:
    Veiling the bride - performed during the bedekin
    Standing under the chupah together
    Yichud - Complete seclusion in a private room. This is
    where the bride and groom traditionally break their
    fast, and it affords Schmeryl his first real
    opportunity to practice ignoring his wife while eating.

    Sheva Brachot

    The marriage ceremony is accompanied by seven blessings, praising the
    Almighty for creating the joyous institution of marriage. Each blessing
    is customarily given out as an honor to a different individual. It is
    considered admirable to allocate blessings to rabbis and Torah scholars
    with whom the families enjoy close relationships. However, since few
    families say more than three words to their rabbis over the course of
    a lifetime, it is customary to hire bearded men off the street to
    pretend to be rabbis.

    Breaking the Glass

    At the conclusion of the wedding ceremony, it is customary to sing the
    verse from Psalms - "If I forget thee, Jerusalem, may my right hand
    forget its cunning." Shortly afterwards, Schmeryl will step on a
    glass; the broken glass symbolizes the memory of the destroyed Holy
    Temple and our people's exile from Zion, which makes even the joy of
    a wedding incomplete. After the glass has been broken, the audience
    generally breaks out into applause to demonstrate our joy that the
    Messiah has not yet come, and we may therefore continue to live in
    Teaneck.











    Comments

    Wake Up Call

    In Chelm, the Shammes used to go around waking everyone up for
    minyan in the morning. Every time it snowed, the people would
    complain that although the snow was beautiful, they could not see
    it in its pristine state because by the time they got up in the
    morning, the Shammes had already trekked through the snow to
    wake the men up for minyan. The townspeople decided that they
    had to find a way to let the Shammes wake everyone up for minyan
    without having him make tracks in the snow.

    The people of Chelm hit on a solution. They got four men to
    volunteer to carry the Shammes around standing on a table every
    time there was fresh snow in the morning. That way, the Shammes
    could make his wake up calls, but he would not leave tracks in the
    snow.....











    Comments

    Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul

    (NOTE FROM LORI: At the time this was written, there were no "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books geared for Jewish readers. In 2001, the group finally wrote Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul.)


    Browsing the self-help section of my local bookstore this past week,
    I couldn't help noticing an entire wall devoted to the inspirational
    juggernaut that is "Chicken Soup For the Soul." To the heartwarming
    original, the series' editor, Jack Canfield, has since added "A
    Second Helping," "A Third Serving," "A Fourth Course," "A Fifth
    Portion" and "A Sixth Bowl of Chicken Soup for the Soul," not to
    mention "Chicken Soup for the Kid's Soul," the "Couple's Soul,"
    the "Teenager's Soul," the "Mother's Soul," the "Woman's Soul," the
    "Country Soul," and the "Pet Lover's Soul." In all, the Chicken Soup
    franchise now comprises more than 100 different volumes, and the
    number grows weekly.


    Conspicuously absent from this list is "Chicken Soup for the Jewish
    Soul." It's an odd omission given the well-known affinity of the
    Jewish people for self-improvement and chicken soup. Throughout
    history, Jews have been at the vanguard of self-help, beginning
    with the publication of our first and most influential work of
    self-help, "The Ten Commandments of Highly Effective Israelites"
    (Moses [Ed.], et. al.). Other significant self-help books of Jewish
    provenance include the Talmud, the "Ethica Ordine Geometrico
    Demonstrata" of Spinoza and the collected works of Ruth Westheimer.
    (Many scholars believe that the Talmud would have done more
    business had it been published under its original title, "The
    Rules.")


    So "Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" would seem to be a sure bet,
    financially speaking, and one can only assume that Mr. Canfield's
    got one bubbling away on the stove, to be followed, no doubt, by
    "A Matzo Ball for the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul," "Some Rye
    Bread for Washing Down the Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul" and
    "A Gigantic Plastic Container of Chicken Soup for the Jewish Soul
    to Take Home for Later." Until it reaches bookstores, though, I'd
    like to suggest a few other current works of Jewish self-help,
    which, although perhaps not as well known as the Chicken Soup books,
    still merit consideration:


    "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Hebrew School": This frankly
    erotic work elaborates the author's premise that the skills he's
    valued most highly in life were first imparted to him on Tuesday
    and Thursday afternoons in a temple supply closet by a slightly
    zaftig Brandeis undergraduate named Faye Berkowitz.


    "The Grandma of the Gifted Child": A guide to being so proud you
    could just burst. Includes techniques for effective kvelling and
    explains what to do when you're trumped by the grandson of another
    lady in your retirement community.


    "The Oy of Sex": A Jewish companion volume to the well-known sex
    manual, this book offers lush illustrations of the probable
    expressions on your mother's face if she ever caught you doing any
    of the things depicted in those disgusting illustrations from
    "The Joy of Sex." (Particularly the ones on pages 94-95!)


    "14,000 Things for Jews to be Happy About": In a quixotic attempt
    to improve the mood of his constitutionally worry-prone people,
    author Arnie Plotkin compiled this list of things for Jews to be
    happy about. The book, marketed through temple bookstores, was a
    commercial failure, but later achieved success under a new title:
    "14,000 Things That Could Go Wrong."


    "The Seven Habits of Highly Sephardic People": This provocative
    book explores the benefits to general well-being that can be gained
    from eating legumes on Passover and speaking Ladino.


    "Women Who Run with the Wolfs": Sylvia Wolf and her daughter, Lisa,
    discuss their trials and tribulations in convincing the ladies of the
    local Hadassah chapter to sign up for a 5K charity run.


    "Life's Little Reconstructionist Book": 613 suggestions,
    observations, and commandments for Jews who have a different belief
    in G-d.


    "The Stella Stein Prophecy": In the most recent book by the
    self-proclaimed "Nostradamus of Nostrand Ave.," Mrs. Stein uses her
    psychic powers to foretell the future of people who don't chew their
    food well, sit far enough away from the TV or check for ticks after
    playing in tall grass by the same author: "I'm Okay, You Look a Bit
    Pale").


    Of course, it's also possible that we'll never see a "Chicken Soup
    for the Jewish Soul." Why? Because, as a Jewish mother knows, the
    only real "Chicken Soup for the Soul" is, in fact, a nice, hot bowl
    of chicken soup.










    Comments

    A Child's Interpretation of the Ten Commandments


    My nephew, who has just started the first grade,
    was asked to memorize the Ten Commandments.
    Upon reciting the commandment, "Thou shalt not
    commit adultery," he was asked what this
    commandment meant.


    With absolute seriousness he replied, "That
    means that you shouldn't want to become an adult."












    Comments

    The Children of Israel


    At the Henry Street Hebrew School, the Rabbi finished the day's lesson. It
    was now time for the usual question period.

    "Rabbi?" asked little Melvin "there's something I need to know."

    "What's that?" asked the Rabbi.

    "Well according to the Scriptures, the Children of Israel crossed the Red
    Sea, right?"

    "Right."

    "And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

    "Uh--right."

    "And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

    "Again you are correct."

    "And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel
    fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something
    important, right?"

    "All that is correct," agreed the Rabbi. "So what's your question?"

    "Didn't the grown-ups do anything!"











    Comments

    A Family Tradition


    A man's son was about four years old.

    The young boy had just come home from Hebrew School.
    His father asked him what he'd learned that day.

    The boy was quiet for a moment and then said, "Dad, have
    any of the men in our family had their penises criticized?"

    The wife cracked up and told him the term was "circumcised";
    but the answer was still "Yes."












    Comments

    (#C001) Hide and seek
    Mr & Mrs Levy had two sons. They were
    brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and
    the other brother was called TROUBLE.
    One day, the two brothers were playing
    hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLEs turn to hide. While MIND
    YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and
    hid inside a thick hedge.
    Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking
    for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars
    parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldnt
    find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside
    dustbins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with
    him.
    The policeman said, And what, may I ask,
    are you doing little boy?
    And the boy replied, Playing a game.
    The policeman then asked, Whats your
    name?
    And the boy replied, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.
    The Policeman got angry and said loudly,
    Are you looking for trouble?
    And the boy replied, Yes.
    (#C002) Bees hair
    Mummy, says little Issy, Why do bees
    have sticky hair?
    Because they use honeycombs.
    (#C003) The story teller
    One day, Emma the teacher is reading out
    loud to her class the story of Chicken Little. Emma soon reads out the
    bit where Chicken Little tries to warn the farmer. So Chicken Little went
    over to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling.
    Emma then asks her class, "What do you
    think the farmer then said?"
    Little Moshe raises his hand. "I think
    he said, Goodness, a talking chicken."
    (#C004) The fur coat
    Little Abe was talking to his older brother
    Isaac.
    Isaac, asks Abe, why do bears have
    fur coats?
    Isaac replies, Thats easy. Its because
    they'd look silly in anoraks.
    (#C005) Pet request
    Daddy, says little Melissa, Can you
    buy me a budgie?
    Not now, darling, he replies, now is
    not the right time.
    So when is the right time to buy a budgie,
    Daddy? Melissa asks.
    When they're going cheap, replies Daddy
    (#C006) Visit to the zoo
    Mummy and daddy have taken little Issy
    to London Zoo. They were watching the lions.
    Mummy, says Issy, whats a lion's favourite
    food?
    Why, baked beings of course, she replies.
    (#C007) Lions in the park
    Little Yitzhak was talking to his best
    friend Harry.
    Harry, he says, I was surrounded by
    lions in the park this afternoon.
    What, says Harry, lions in the park?
    Yes, replies Yitzhak, dandelions.
    (#C008) Shabbos meal
    It was Friday night and little Sam was
    having his Shabbos meal with his parents. They were, as usual, going to
    eat roast chicken.
    When it arrived, Sams daddy smiled and
    said, Sam, do you know why this roast chicken is like an armchair?
    No daddy.
    Because they're both full of stuffing,
    thats why, said his daddy.
    (#C009) Knock Knock
    Knock knock.
    Who's there?
    Abe.
    Abe who?
    Abe C D E F G H...
    (#C010) Late again
    Emma was telling her mummy a story about
    a witch who arrived at a hotel without her broom because the broom was
    late.
    Why was the broom late, Emma? asked
    her mummy.
    Because it over swept, mummy.  
    And, mummy, do you know what the witch asked for when she went to reception?
    What did she ask for, Emma?
    Broom service.
    (#C011) Soup
    Mummy and daddy had taken little Benjy
    to Blooms kosher restaurant.
    During their first course, Benjy says,
    This soup tastes funny, daddy.
    His daddy replies, So why arent you
    laughing?
    (#C012) The bargain
    Little Morris was telling his friend Cyril
    all about his Chanukah presents.
    My daddy bought me a mouth organ. Its
    the best present I've ever had.
    Why?
    Because my mummy gives me extra money
    every week if I dont play it.
    (#C013) Bottom at the top
    Little Max was telling his friend Howard
    a riddle.
    What has a bottom at the top?
    Howard said, I don't know, Max. What
    does have a bottom at the top?
    Why its your legs, of course.
    (#C014) Fish meal
    Little Sidney was watching his mummy prepare
    the fish for dinner.
    She asks him, Do you know what part of
    a fish weighs the most, darling?
    No, he replies.
    Its the scales.
    (#C015) Angry teacher
    Emma was telling her little sister Melissa
    all about school.
    Emma says, My teacher shouted at me today
    for something I didn't do.
    So what didn't you do? asks Melissa.
    Emma replies, My homework.
    (#C016) Visit to the butchers
    Little Naomi goes to her kosher butchers
    and asks, Mummy wants to know how much is the duck?
    The butcher replies, £12.
    OK, says Naomi, Could you please send
    us the bill.
    I'm sorry, says the butcher, but you'll
    have to take the whole bird.
    (#C017) Clock watching
    Little David was staring at the clock
    on the mantelpiece.
    Then he says, Daddy, what do people do
    in clock factories?
    His daddy replies, They make faces all
    day.
    (#C018) Dead Sea
    Benjamin was enjoying his trip to the
    Red Sea.
    During dinner, Benjamin says, Daddy,
    if you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
    His daddy replies, Wet, of course.
    (#C019) Hebrew Lesson
    During his Hebrew lesson, little Alan
    asks his teacher, Where was King Solomon's temple, teacher?
    On his forehead. Replies the teacher.
    (#C020) The cross eyed teacher
    Little Sarah was telling her best friend
    Naomi that her teacher's eyes are always crossed.
    Why is that? asked Naomi.
    Because she cant control her pupils.
     
    Comments


    (#C021) Head wear
    Little Moshes dad asks him one day, Do
    you know what the hat said to the scarf?
    No, daddy, I dont, replies Moshe.
    You hang around while I go on ahead,
    says his dad.
    (#C022) Black and white
    The teacher said to her class, Does anyone
    know what is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
    Little Sarah put up her hand and said,
    Its a blackboard, miss.
    (#C023) The eyes
    One Sunday, little Bennys grandpa asks
    him a question, Do you know what one eye said to the other eye?
    No, Zeida.
    It said, Between you and me, something
    smells.
    (#C024) Dustbins
    One day at school, little Max was talking
    to his best friend David.
    David, have you heard the joke about
    the dustbin lorry?
    No I havent, replied David.
    Don't worry, said Max, it's only a
    load of rubbish.
    (#C025) Monster?
    Little Naomi said to her mum, Mum, whats
    got four legs and one foot?
    I dont know, said her mum.
    A bed.
    (#C026) Music lover
    One day, little Rifka went up to her dad
    and said, Dad, I want to play our piano but I cant open the lid.
    Of course you cant, said her dad, the
    keys are inside.
    (#C027) Letter T
    Teacher asks her class, Does anybody
    know what starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
    Little Benjy puts up his hand and says,
    A teapot, miss.
    (#C028) On the beach
    It was August and little Hannah was on
    holiday with her parents. One day, her dad says to her, Did you know that
    they dont allow elephants on this beach?
    Why, dad?
    Because they can't keep their trunks
    up.
    (#C029) The race
    One day at school, little Morris and little
    Henry had a race and Henry won.
    Morris then says to Henry, you won, but
    I know what you lost.
    What did I lose, then?
    Your breath.
    (#C030) The lion
    Little Leah asks her dad, Do you know
    what happened when the lion ate the comedian?
    No, I dont, darling.
    He felt funny.
    (#C031) Walking
    One day, little Sam is out walking with
    his dad.
    Sam says, Do you know what runs but never
    walks, dad?
    I dont know, Sam.
    Water.
    (#C032) Night time question
    Just before she went to bed, little Ruths
    mum asks her a question, Do you know how to make milk shake, darling?
    No I dont, mum.
    You give it a good fright.
    (#C033) Breakfast
    One morning, little Avrahom is eating
    his cheese and tomato sandwich when his mother says to him, Do you know
    what cheese is made backwards?
    No, mum.
    Edam.
    (#C034) The fool
    One day, little Isaac says to his dad,
    Did you hear about the stupid fool who keeps going around saying "no"?
    No.
    Oh, so it's you.
    (#C035) Cat food
    One breakfast time, little Rivkahs mum
    asks her, What do cats eat for breakfast, darling?
    I dont know, mum.
    Mice Crispies
    (#C036) On the river
    One Sunday, little David is with his parents
    on a boat on the river Thames. His dad asks him, What do you think sea
    monsters eat, David?
    I dont know, dad.
    Fish and ships.
    (#C037) Afters
    While she was eating her lockshen pudding,
    little Judiths mum says to her, Do you know what cries and wobbles, darling?
    No, mum.
    A jelly baby.
    (#C038) The teeth
    Why did little Arnold wear a belt on his
    teeth?
    Because he couldn't find his braces.
    (#C039) At the zoo
    Little Freda was at the Zoo with her dad
    when he asks her, What do you call a deer with no eyes, darling?
    What, dad?
    No idea.
    (#C040) Cant eat
    One breakfast time, little Rebecca says
    to her mum, What two things can't you have for breakfast, mum?
    I dont know?
    Lunch and dinner, of course.
     
    Comments

    Children's Sh'ma




    A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew
    teacher quoting Scripture.

    "The L-rd our G-d is One," the teacher declared.

    "When will He be two?" the youngster asked.











    Comments

    Deli Waiter


    Two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a deli frequented almost exclusively
    by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.

    A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent
    impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were
    enjoying the holiday.

    The Jewish men were dumbfounded. Where did he ever learn such perfect
    Yiddish, they both thought. After they paid the bill they asked the
    restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn
    such fabulous Yiddish?"

    The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else will hear and said,
    "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."











    Comments

    The Chumra of the Week Club



    Mehadrin Min Hamehadrin Min Hamehadrin is pleased to present:

    The Chumra of the Week Club.


    Are you jealous of Yankel's Chumras? Do you want to go one (or more!)
    better than Shmerl? Have you ever been tongue-tied when asked: "Maybe
    you have a new little Chumraleh for me?" If you have been faced by
    any of these dreadful scenarios, join up now!

    Chumrah of the Week Club is a new concept in real, authentic
    Yiddishkeit. Upon joining, we will immediately send you - as your
    introductory selection - the choice of three Chumras in any of our
    present-day Chumra fields (more to be added later).

    Choose from Chumras in:

    Fleishigs
    Milchigs
    Davening
    Clothing
    Tefillin and Tzitzit
    and many more.
    (Sorry, due to market economics, we must limit ourselves to Bain adam
    lamakom.)

    After receiving your three introductory Chumras, you will receive, each
    week by mail, a new, exciting additional Chumra which you can
    immediately put into use. Within a short time you will have amassed a
    Chumra list that will amaze your friends and make you the envy of your
    Kollel or Shul. Our guarantee: if the Chumra we send you is
    inappropriate for any reason, you are entitled to exchange it within
    7 days of receipt for a new Chumrah of your choice.

    Reasons for exchange include:
    You are already observing a Chumra of equal or greater stringency -
    unlikely - our Chumras are pre-selected for their uniqueness
    and stringency).
    Your neighbor is already observing a similar Chumrah, heaven forbid.
    You want to be the first one in your community with this
    Chumra.


    We can assure you that all our Chumras are of the highest quality. We
    have a full-time staff busy combing the Bar Ilan CD ROM for the most
    obscure Chumros. (For an added fee, we can guarantee a personal Chumra
    taken from a source other than the CD ROM - guaranteed to be unique
    and to amaze all your friends.)

    To apply for Chumra of the Month Club, please fill out the following
    form scrupulously:

    Name________ ben ______ ben ______ ben _____ (Sorry, anyone unable to
    supply genealogical data for the past four generations is not eligible).
    Address: _______
    Phone:________
    To custom-tailor your Chumra selection, please fill in the following:
    Litvak? ____ Chassid? _____ FBB? (Frum Before Birth?)____
    Nusach: Ashkenaz ____ Sefarad ____

    Check the type of Chumras you wish to receive:
    a) Regular ____
    b) Super-frum ____ (add 50%)
    Even greater uniqueness available - check with us for full details.
    All correspondence in this regard will be kept in the strictest
    confidence.

    Among the obscure Chumras we have found for our many overjoyed customers,
    we have used the following literary sources: the "Pi Ha'ason," the
    "Al Tagidu Be'gas," and the "Shtus Vehevel."

    Don't Wait Another Minute: Join the Chumra of the Week Club now, and
    change your entire life style, while serving as a source of heavenly
    envy for all your friends.

    Remember our motto: "'Yiras Shamoyaim' means fear of what the other
    guy will say."











    Comments

    `Chosen Beer' Sales Grow Among Consumers Desiring Kosher Brew
    By Debra Nussbaum Cohen



    NEW YORK, Oct. 7 (JTA) -- In the beginning there was an idea and it was
    good: Jewish beer, named ``He'Brew -- The Chosen Beer.''

    The beginning, for beer developer Jeremy Cowan, was last Chanukah, and it
    was so good that he sold every bottle of his 100 cases almost as soon as
    they hit the shelves of the liquor stores, kosher delis and restaurants
    that carried it in the San Francisco area.

    Today Cowan, 28, has contracted with a leading micro-brewery and
    professional beer distributors in the San Francisco area, and is selling as
    many cases of the unconventional beer -- 500 -- in a week as he did during
    the past nine months.

    The beer, whose theme is "exile never tasted so good," is available in
    stores throughout California and in other places by toll-free mail order
    through The Wine Club.

    The centerpiece of the beer's brightly colored label is a picture of a
    Chasidic-looking rabbi looming over a landscape that puts the Golden Gate
    Bridge right next to a Jerusalem skyline.

    Although no beer is kosher for Passover -- hops are made from forbidden
    grain -- the label's side panel answers the question: Why is this beer
    different from all other beers?

    As the label explains in a Jewish text-referenced way, the answer is
    part-Jackie Mason shtick, part-micro-brewing expertise: "Our first
    creation is Genesis Ale.

    "Barley is one of seven Biblical species that celebrate the bounty of the
    Land of Milk and Honey (Deut. 8.8), and He'Brew draws a symbolic link to
    our own Garden of Eden in Northern California. A smidgen of Middle East, a
    dash of American West."

    Cowan shmaltzes it up on the label, which also says, "Like your bubbe's
    chicken soup, there's no preservatives (or gefilte fish) added, store cold."

    T-shirts, posters, pint glasses and other paraphernalia are available
    directly through Cowan at his San Francisco-based company, Shmaltz
    Enterprises.

    The beer is certified by a local kashrut agency.

    The label also says that 10 percent of the beer's profits go to tzedakah,
    or charity.

    Cowan said he has donated beer to Jewish organizations, which have
    auctioned it off at their fund raisers.

    His customer base has been diverse. Last Purim a Chabad house ordered a
    keg, and "skateboard-MTV-type Jewish kids buy it at grocery stores,"
    Cowan said.

    Cowan first hit on the idea a decade ago while talking with the only other
    Jewish student in the high school they attended in Menlo Park, Calif., a
    suburb about 30 miles south of San Francisco.

    A year ago, Cowan talked a small group of his most faithful friends into
    squeezing the juice out of pomegranates -- an early ingredient in the beer
    that he had to drop when it made government labelling and kosher
    certification requirements too complicated -- in his living room.

    In the works is a full line including another beer, to be introduced next
    summer, coffee drinks, teas and sodas, Cowan said.

    "I want He'Brew to be like Manischewitz for the next generation," Cowan
    said, "a high-quality product, but with a lot of funk and humor."













    Comments

    Afterlife



    A rabbi and a priest on a train, in conversation:


    Priest: "Last night I had a dream about your Jewish paradise.
    I saw dirt and trash everywhere and the place was
    absolutely packed with all your people."

    Rabbi: "What a coincidence ! I too dreamed about paradise -
    the Christian one, though. It was a wonderful land
    filled with flowers, fragrant scents and sunshine - but
    nowhere at all could I see even one person!"












    Comments

    Christian Love


    British Novelist Israel Zangwell was Jewish. Upon hearing this,
    a gentile told him that Jews were suspicious of gentiles,
    clannish, and unfriendly.

    The author looked at the speaker, sighed, and replied, "Yes.
    Two thousand years of Christian Love has made us very nervous."











    Comments

    Chutzpa


    A classic example of chutzpa is someone who kills his father
    and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the court because
    he is an orphan.










    Comments

    Circumcision Joke



    Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older
    than 8-days old?


    A: A girl.













    Comments

    Cliche Come True
    "Is a Rabbi rehearsing his sermon practicing what he preaches?"











    Comments

    Halachos of Coffee


    In his treatise, HaKafe v'haMitzvot, R. Aaron Schuman writes: It was
    revealed at Mount Sinai that Hashem ordained that heat shall flow from
    hotter regions to colder. This revelation was preserved as a secret
    teaching until R Josiah Gibbowitz (z"l) inscribed it as Hashem's 2nd
    Commandment of Thermodynamics. There is a little known mitzvah, "Thou
    shalt never stir the cream into thy morning coffee; thereby shall you
    observe convection currents and remember My second commandment of
    thermodynamics." (Since this is a time-bound mitzvah, women are exempt.)
    The parenthetical remark seemed incorrect, a little further research
    uncovers a rich tradition of Jewish law brewing around this allegedly
    "secret teaching."

    Even if we understand that this mitzvah only applies to coffee drunk in
    the morning, women are only exempt from mitzvot aseh shehazman grama
    [time-bound commandments phrased as "thou shalt"], whereas this is a
    mitzvat lo taaseh [phrased as "thou shalt not"]. Therefore we conclude
    that women are equally bound to contemplate convection currents. R. Chama
    bar Karkar argues that this mitzvah is not really time-bound at all.

    What if one only drinks coffee after supper? The mitzvah applies to kos
    rishon (the first cup of coffee in each day), whether drunk in the
    morning, afternoon or evening. Some delay drinking kos rishon until later
    in the day, when they have more time to observe the swirling patterns at
    greater length. Do we not pray in the Amida: "v tovotecha shebehol eyt,
    erev vavoker vatzohoraim" [(we thank you...) for your goodness at all
    times evening, morning and afternoon]? And is not coffee with cream one of
    G-d's goodnesses? Therefore our sages maintain that this mitzvah applies
    to coffee drunk at any time, not only kos rishon. (Halacha follows this
    opinion.) Once again, women and men are both obligated in this mitzvah.
    Are Jews, then, commanded to drink coffee? No, but those who do are
    considered praiseworthy. What of those who do not drink coffee? They are
    obligated to contemplate the coffee of a friend, and to refrain from
    stirring it (masechet Shotah, perek Shtayim Shotim B'kos, mishnah kaf-he).

    May one contemplate the coffee of a non-Jew? Rambam notes that coffee has
    never been used in avodah zarah [idol worship], so one may contemplate it.
    The RiTzPa notes that one may not drink it unless it was prepared and
    served in kosher vessels, but one may contemplate it even in unkosher
    vessels. Later commentators note that Ashkenazim do not do this, and
    Sephardim only do it when it will annoy Ashkenazim.

    May one prepare the coffee, refrain from stirring, yet not drink? Bet
    Hillel say that such a person is yotze, as long as one observes the
    convection currents and remembers the 2nd Commandment of Thermodynamics.
    Bet Shammai say that one must drink as well. (As usual, we follow Bet
    Hillel.) Rashi comments that although one need not drink the coffee, the
    coffee must not be wasted, lest we transgress bal tashchit [do not
    destroy].

    What of coffee drunk following a meat meal? Since real cream is forbidden
    in this circumstance, may one observe the mitzvah with pareve ersatz
    cream? Rambam says no, since the principle of hiddur mitzvah [beautifying
    a commandment] demands that we use the tastiest ingredients we can afford,
    and mocha mix is inferior to authentic cream. Hence we do not serve coffee
    after meat. (Black coffee does not fulfill the mizvah.) Mishnah Brewrah
    notes that those who are especially pious refrain from eating meat at any
    time so that they will always be ready to observe this mitzvah with real
    cream. So important is real cream that even skim milk is unacceptable
    (except for those with certain medical conditions). Concerning hiddur
    mitzvah, the Kos Tam (R. Yuban Chockfullanussen) argues that in addition
    to fine quality coffee and cream, one must also use fine implements. Not
    only must the coffee be served in a delicate cup (with a saucer!), but
    when one refrains from stirring, one must refrain from stirring with a
    silver spoon. To refrain with a wooden or plastic stick, when a fine spoon
    was available, shows disrespect for the Torah and brings disgrace on one's
    family.

    One should take care to avoid spilling any coffee on the unused stirring
    implement, so that nobody will see it and conclude (erroneously) that
    stirring is permissible. Likewise, although one may first stir sugar into
    coffee and then refrain from stirring after adding cream, those who are
    strict do not do this, to avoid wetting the stirrer. Neither may one stir
    the coffee first, and then pour in cream while the coffee is still in
    motion relying on turbulence to mix the cream. The Torah is explicit that
    the purpose is to observe convection currents (which must be generated by
    temperature diffential, and not any other motion or current). In recent
    years it has become common to use special coffee cups made of glass, so
    that one may observe the currents not only from the top, but from the
    sides and bottom as well. Harei zeh mishubach, although we do not
    invalidate cups made of fine china.










    Comments

    Combatting Solitude


    A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the
    middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles.

    Included in the survival gear that they give him, much to his surprise,
    is a recipe for matzah balls.

    When he asks why he's receiving a matzah ball recipe, he is told,
    "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts
    to get to you, you're going to remember your matzah ball recipe. You're
    going to get it out and start making some and before you know it you're
    going to have ten Jewish women looking over your shoulder saying,
    'That's not the correct way to make matzah balls."









    Comments

    A Conversation Between Moses and G-d


    "Excuse me, Sir."


    "Is that you again, Moses?"


    "I'm afraid it is, Sir."


    "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"


    "How did you guess?"


    "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"


    "Oh, yeah. I forgot."


    "Tell me what you want, Moses."


    "But you already know. Remember?"


    "Moses!"


    "Sorry, sir."


    "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"


    "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
    you sent me."


    "You mean the commandments, Moses?"


    "That's it. I was wondering if they were important."


    "What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
    important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."


    "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
    but of course you would see right through that."


    "What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
    you didn't save them, Moses?"


    "No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
    them to some people before I lost them though. "


    "And did you hear back from any of them?"


    "You already know I did."


    "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
    Can he change the words a little bit?"


    "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."


    "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
    harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
    letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"


    "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."


    "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
    was scamming him?"


    "I think that is spamming, Moses."


    "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
    that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
    through a computer."


    "And what he did say?"


    "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
    think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
    the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"


    "They're called viruses, Moses."


    "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
    we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
    back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
    lost them."


    "We'll do it the new way, Moses."


    "I was afraid you would say that, sir."


    "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"


    "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
    computer."


    "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"


    "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
    who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
    your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
    on the ark?"


    "No, Moses."


    "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
    because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"


    "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
    if you want to."


    "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
    woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
    who named one of the computers Apple?"


    "Say good night, Moses."


    "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
    be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."


    "Which ones are they, Moses?"


    "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
    'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'


    "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
    stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"











    Comments

    Conversion Dilemma


    A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.

    "Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I
    raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the
    Sabbath. Well, I just learned at this last Passover that he converted to
    Catholicism. Please tell me what I should do to reason him!"

    The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this. The exact same thing
    happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make him follow in
    my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I know, he
    converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to
    tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."

    To two men started praying:
    "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please come to our rescue.
    Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should we do?"

    A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"











    Comments

    The Creation Algorithm




    //CREATION JOB (0000,EARTH),'GOD',PRTY=13,RESTART=EDEN,TIME=1440
    //*
    /*SETUP DISK=PRIMAL
    //*
    //JOBLIB DD DSN=UNIVERSE,DISP=(OLD,KEEP)
    //*
    //* FOR EXTENDED DOCUMENTATION ON THIS JOB REFER TO MEMBER
    //* BOOK.ONE, CHAPTER,ONE OF SYSDOC FILE WORD.OF.GOD
    //* TAMPER WITH THIS JOB AT YOUR OWN EXTREME RISK!
    //*
    //DAYONE EXEC PGM=IEBGENER
    //VOID DD DSN=CHAOS
    //DAY DD DSN=LIGHT
    //NIGHT DD DSN=DARKNESS
    //SYSIN DD *
    LET THERE BE LIGHT, AND LET DARKNESS BE A SEPARATE DATASET!
    /*
    //DAYTWO EXEC PGM=SORT
    //FIRM DD DSN=HEAVEN,DCB=DSORG=PO
    //WATERS1 DD DSN=HEAVEN(ABOVE)
    //WATERS2 DD DSN=HEAVEN(BELOW)
    //SYSIN DD *
    LET THE FIRMANENT, CALLED HEAVEN, PARTITION THE WATERS!
    /*
    //DAYTHREE EXEC PGM=MERGE
    //MERGEIN DD DSN=BELOW
    //MERGEOUT DD DSN=DRY.LAND
    //EARTH DD DSN=DRY.LANE
    //BELOW DD DSN=SEAS
    //FLORA DD DSN=GRASSES.HERBES
    // DD DSN=FRUIT.TREES
    //SYSIN DD *
    SET THE EARTH CONCATENATE GRASS AND TREES
    /*
    //DAYFOUR EXEC PGM=IEBUPDTE
    //SUN DD DSN=LIGHT
    //MOON DD DSN=LIGHT
    //STARS DD DSN=LIGHT
    //SYSIN DD *
    LET THERE BE PANEL LIGHTS TO INDICATE THE STATUS OF
    THE UNIVERSE!
    /*
    //DAYFIVE DD PGM=IEHMOVE
    //WHALES DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
    //FOWL DD DSN=MOVING.CREATURE
    //SYSIN DD *
    BE FRUITFUL AND MULTIPLY UNTIL OVERFLOW
    /*
    //DAYSIX EXEC PGM=IEBCOPY
    //MAN DD DSN=GOD.IMAGE
    //MALE DD DSN=MAN(ADAM)
    //FEMALE DD DSN=MAN(EVE)
    //SYSABEND DD DSN=ETERNAL.HELL
    //SYSIN DD *
    ALL THE DATASETS NOW EXIST. LET MAN TEND THE CONSOLE
    AND REPLENISH THE LINE PRINTER AND KEEP HIS MITTS OUT
    OF THE MICROCODE!
    /*
    //DAYSEVEN EXEC PGM=ENTROPHY,COND=((IT IS GOOD,DAYSIX),ONLY)
    //TIME DD DSN=ETERNITY
    //SYSIND DD *
    NOW LET THE SYSTEM RUN, THE PANEL LIGHTS TWINKLE, AND THE DISKS
    FILL WITH DATA!
    /*
    //










    Comments

    Creation Science


    One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had
    come a long way and no longer needed G-d. So they picked one
    scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.


    The scientist walked up to G-d and said, "G-d, we've decided that we
    no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and
    do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."


    G-d listened very patiently to the man. After the scientist was done
    talking, G-d said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a
    man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"
    But G-d added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in
    the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem"
    and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.


    G-d looked at him and said, "No, no -- you go get your own dirt."











    Comments

    The Creation of Woman

    Moses' account of the creation in the book of Genesis is so familiar and
    so entrenched in our cultural heritage that many accept as actual
    historic fact the assertion that Woman was created from one of Adam's
    ribs.

    Science has railed against such simple beliefs for centuries, last week,
    at a dig in the escarpments along the western shore of the Dead Sea,
    archeologists have uncovered ancient, original texts that pre-date
    Moses' writings by 1,300 years. Translated, their account of life's
    beginnings on earth are much more scientifically plausible

    "... and G-d created Woman, giving her three breasts to succor her
    young. And G-d spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit,
    but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe (sigh). Is there
    anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?"

    And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters; I
    do not need but two breasts."

    And G-d said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."

    There was a crack and a lingering odor of ozone, and it was done, and
    Woman stood holding her third breast in her hand.

    "Now just what am I gonna do with this useless boob?" Woman exclaimed.

    And so it was, G-d created Man."










    Comments

    Cyber-Bris



    Q: What do you call Internet communications sent by one who performs
    circumcisions?


    A: E-moil












    Comments

    A Darkened Theater

    A strained voice called out through the darkened theater,
    "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

    Several men stood up as the lights came on.

    An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good,
    are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a
    nice, Jewish girl?"










    Comments

    Dating Criteria

    A young Jewish college girl answers the door for her date. She brings
    him into the living room to meet her parents.

    "Mom, Dad, this is Angelo. We'll be home early," she says.

    Her mother looks at the young man disapprovingly, discerning from his
    name that he is a Gentile.

    When the girl finally returns home, her mom quizzes her immediately,
    "Tell me, Anna, was that boy Jewish?

    "No Mom, he's not." replies the girl cautiously, sensing that a battle
    is about to begin.

    Momentary silence from the mom.

    "Well - is he Pre-Med?"










    Comments

    The Catch

    by Anne Silver



    "He's into dog s--t," I told Maggie when she asks what my latest date does
    for a living.

    "Cool."

    "Not only that, but Bart has his own airplane so he can go all around the
    country selling his pooper scooper. He is the King,"

    Typical Jewish date for me, he told me how generous he is but gave
    nothing to me while he took everything he could get his hands on, including my
    body. He even pretended to be obsessed with my poetry. He was a salesman,
    and he told me that he always likes to maneuver his customers by learning
    all he can about them while giving them no information about himself. And
    I was one dumb customer myself. I did noticed he didn't talk about himself
    unless it was to complain about his ex wife not enjoying life like he does,
    or that his father stupidly threw his life away by taking care of his
    mother when she got sick, or repeatedly telling me his net worth, because I
    was too busy being flattered by his attention. And then he disappeared
    saying he needed space.

    "You know how to select 'em, Miss Anne," my friend says.

    "When are you going to fix my picker? You're a shrink, for God's sake.
    Help me, Maggie."

    Since Maggie is single, she doesn't have any answers either, except she
    knows when to come in out of the courtship storm. She had the brains to
    get religion and be orthodox, so if she does happen to meet a nice Jewish
    guy, at least she'll know he's trying to live a righteous life.

    The last guy I dated for a blink, Barry, hosts venting events. He
    holds a microphone while standing in the middle of a coffee house while people
    puke their complaints against men, traffic, men, Clinton, men, into the air.
    He runs around like a stumpy Donahue trying to get everyone to get out their
    frustrations, which makes them more and more angry. I told him all the
    psychology studies, and all the Buddhist teachers say that anger begets anger.
    But Barry says he is spiritual. He knows the score. In fact, he is so
    developed and in tune with the cosmos, he refused to thank me for arranging
    a dinner at a posh restaurant and getting him a present on his birthday.
    Refused!

    The guy before him was Don the cartoonist who took $800 from me to
    illustrate a book but wouldn't give me the pictures or pay the money back.
    Then he complained that I gave him the opportunity to rob me and ruin his
    character.

    I ask myself, which one is Moe, Larry or Curly and then I realize
    I'm the stooge. And I beg Maggie to take and shred my dating card. Really.
    I wonder why I would want to keep dating when it's always the same guy.

    I suppose I am an optimist. My mother, may she rest in peace, used
    to tell me a pessimist is never disappointed. But she was a pessimist, and
    she was always disappointed. At least I have intermittent rays of hope.
    For instance, just today a guy held the door open for me. And the other
    day, I went on a date where the guy actually paid for my dinner. He did
    ask to be reimbursed when I told him I wasn't going to go to bed with him.
    But for a moment I was happy.

    I think my dating life was cursed from the start, because I lied to
    my mother. When I was 14, I asked if I could go out with Melvin Honowitz to
    see the Association at the Ice House in Pasadena. He was in AZA and I was
    a BBG. She said I was too young. I told her she shouldn't have let me
    skip a grade if I couldn't be allowed to do what girls in my grade got to
    do. I omitted the fact that they weren't allowed to date. Mel is actually
    the only nice Jewish guy I ever went out with. I should have quit while I
    was ahead, instead of thinking I would meet another one like him.

    Maybe I have been dating too long. Or I should have dated non-Jewish
    men. But my mother wanted me to marry a Jew. I didn't ever tell her that
    with Jewish men, I've been cheated, betrayed, lied to, verbally abused,
    publically humiliated, beaten up, raped and robbed. And I swear on my
    mother's dust, I have not deserved any of it.

    Each and every Jewish guy I have dated have expected me to be their
    audience, demanded to be served, massaged, held and comforted without
    giving one of those things in return, which is how my mother described my
    late father. I don't know how she could say that. H hugged me a couple of
    times.

    If a woman knew what I have experienced with the Jewish men I have
    met and dated, she would have to be out of her mind to want to date one.
    When I see "Mad About You", I think, poor woman. Poor, poor blond woman.
    You have no idea what's going to happen when you ask for something in return
    for all the kindness you will show this man. And I also say, you can have him.

    But to be honest, I hear the same complaints from my Christian
    girlfriends. I've dated a couple of them and my worse complaint was that
    one drank too much. Well, a couple of them did.

    I've been praying lately, trying to get G-d's ear so I can ask him,
    please, take away this rage before I explode and take out the whole
    Westside. But I think the loudest complainers, blamers and takers got His
    audience first. They are more practiced at getting attention with those
    tactics. Maybe I should go to Barry's venting event. And maybe I won't.
    After God blessed me by giving me myself. After all, I could have been
    born one of these guys I've learned to despise.

    When I was young, I used to dream that I'd have a Jewish home when I
    grew up. That I'd light the Sabbath candles and have a lovely table set for
    my family. But the only Jewish guys I know who would appreciate such a
    peaceful life are either very gay, or those who have been my friends for a
    long time, or they are married and already have families.

    I am seriously considering changing my religion, not to Islam or
    Native Americanism. Jainism has always attracted my interest. I'll roam the
    streets and dirt paths of India as naked as the girls in any of my
    ex-boyfriends' vast porno libraries but not air-brushed. I'll put my hands
    out as a plate for food when I am hungry. It won't be difficult. I'll just
    pretend I'm one of the Jewish men I have dated. The only difference is that
    I will nod a thank you.










    Comments

    Return From Abroad


    A daughter comes home from the peace corps in Uganda and
    surprises her mother who is in the process of lighting the
    Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup.

    The mother is so thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing
    her daughter.

    Finally she says, "Sit down, darling. Tell me all about what
    you were doing."

    Her daughter says, "Mom, I got married."

    "Oy, mazeltov," says the mother. "How could you do that without
    telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where is he?"

    "He's waiting outside on the porch while I tell you."

    "What are you talking about? Bring him in. I want to meet my
    new son-in-law."

    The daughter brings him in and to her consternation the mother
    sees a black man standing before her wearing a big grin, a
    feathered cod piece, an enormous head dress, animal tooth beads
    and he is holding a very tall spear in an upright position.

    The mother grabs her daughter, slaps her back and forth on
    both cheeks and screams, "Dummy, Stupid, Idiot.....
    I said RICH doctor!"



    Comments

    Davening Parrot


    Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancey Street one
    day wishing something wonderful would change his life when he passed
    a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish:
    "Quawwwwk...vus machst du...yeah, du...outside, standing like a
    schlomazel...eh?"


    Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it. The
    proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Meyer by the sleeve.
    "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..."


    Meyer stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head
    and said: "Vus? Ir kent reddin Yiddish?"


    Meyer turned excitedly to the store owner. "He speaks Yiddish?"
    "Vuh den? Chinese maybe?"


    In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on
    the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All
    night he talked with the parrot in Yiddish. He told the parrot about
    his father's adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his
    mother was when she was a young bride. About his family. About his
    years of working in the garment center. About Florida. The parrot
    listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The parrot told
    him of living in the pet store, how he hated the weekends. Finally,
    they both went to sleep.


    Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while, saying
    his prayers. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing, and when
    Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do it too. Meyer went out and
    hand-made a miniature set of tfillin for the parrot. The parrot
    wanted to learn to daven, so Meyer taught him how read Hebrew, and
    taught him every prayer in the Siddur with the appropriate nussach for
    the daily services. Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and
    teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah, Mishnah and Gemara. In time,
    Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew.


    On the morning of Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed and was about
    to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained
    that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot made a terrific
    argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder. Needless to
    say, they made quite a sight when they rrived at the Shul, and Meyer
    was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor, who
    refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
    Days. However, Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time,
    swearing that the parrot could daven.


    Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet (even
    money) that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or
    Hebrew, etc.


    All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched
    on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed - Meyer heard not a
    peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his
    shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"


    Nothing.


    "Daven...feigelleh, please! You can daven, so daven...come on,
    everybody's looking at you!"


    Nothing.


    After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed
    his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars. He marched
    home quite upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the
    Shul, the bird, happy as a lark, began to sing an old Yiddish song.
    Meyer stopped and looked at him.


    "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why?
    After I made your tfillin, taught you the morning prayers, and taught
    you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring
    you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"


    "Don't be a schlomiel," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds on Yom
    Kippur!"











    Comments

    "Collect Call to G-d, Please"

    A man realized that he had to stop to daven Mincha,
    as it was getting dark. So he stopped by a
    telephone booth, picked up the reciever, and made it
    look like he was talking on the phone,
    while he was actually davvening.

    When he finished, he closed the siddur, hung up the
    phone, and walked out of the booth,
    wondering why everyone was standing around, laughing.

    He looked up, to discover a sign on the phone booth
    saying: "OUT OF ORDER".











    Comments

    All In A Day's Work


    Two beggars were sitting next to each other. One holds a sign saying
    "Please help the war veteran", and the other holds a sign saying
    "Please help a poor Jew".

    People pass by and even those who didn't intend to give money to any
    of them, give to the first to upset the Jew. One good man passes by,
    gives money equally to both, and then says to the Jew: "Why don't you
    change your sign? Don't you understand that nobody will give you any
    money?" and walks away.

    As he goes, the Jews turns to the other one and says: "Haim, he would
    teach US business..."










    Comments

    Children of Noah


    Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to
    be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all,
    they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill
    because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed
    before Noah and said "We is honored to join you in this here
    boat" although they weren't really sure what a boat was. In
    fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites
    joking about "Noah's Folly", saying the wood wasn't any good
    for chewing.

    Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was
    really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded.
    Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else,
    water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the
    ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with
    all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet)
    accounted for.

    It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt.
    Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt
    and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber.
    In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk
    in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of
    "eau de pew" into the chaos.

    Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody
    quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had
    God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered
    his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noah's frantic
    prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.

    In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of
    rope and said, "Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle
    securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me
    that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink.
    Will you help me?"

    Deelya looked at Roosevelt. "What gift be dat?" she asked. "Only
    things different 'bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is
    getting a workout right about now."

    But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher
    calling, decided "If the Good Lord says it, it must be true."
    So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk
    stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could
    manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.

    Noah had life's major constraints in place, and had called all
    the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered
    mainly on God's providence and the necessity to begin repopulating
    the earth.

    Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a
    little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come
    forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their
    free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future
    anthill full of special noses.

    As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud
    "Y'know, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!"










    Comments

    Dear Sir


    When an Orthodox Jew talks to G-d he says: "Ribono Shel Olam" (Master of
    the World).

    When a Conservative Jew is in touch with G-d he says: "Avinu Malkeinu"
    (Our Father, Our King).

    A Reform Jew addresses G-d as:
    "Oh L-rd, Thou art One".

    A Reconstructionist says:
    "To whom it may concern".



    Comments

    Definition of a Jewish Joke


    A joke that a Gentile won't get,
    and
    A joke that a Jew has heard and
    knows how to tell it better.


    Comments

    Home, Sweet Home









    A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked
    his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be
    buried in Jerusalem.


    The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem,
    put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
    once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in
    some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He
    called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to
    the United States."


    The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come?
    You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in
    Jerusalem!'


    "Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?"










    Comments

    Differences


    Q: What's the difference between a Goy, an Ashkenazi Jew, and a
    Sephardic Jew?

    A: The Goy has a mistress and wife and loves his mistress;
    The
    Ashkenazi Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his wife;

    and the
    Sephardic Jew has a mistress and a wife and loves his mother.













    Comments

    The Difference Between Jewish and Italian Mothers


    What is the difference between an Italian mother whose son
    won't eat her cooking and a Jewish mother whose son won't
    eat her cooking?



    The Italian mother kills her son; the Jewish mother kills
    herself.












    Comments

    Dinner?


    A rabbi comes home from a hard day's work at the shul.

    He asks his wife, "Nu, what's for dinner?"

    She says "Yesterday we had chicken."










    Comments

    Disney Supports New Solution to Status of Jerusalem

    Jerusalem (JFP)--When U.S. peace negotiator Dennis Ross was asked
    by reporters, immediately following the conclusion of the grueling
    Hebron accord, where his next destination would be, the weary
    diplomat answered "I want to go to Disneyland." Most observers
    understood this to be nothing more than a wish for well-deserved
    relaxation from the exhausting demands of Middle East diplomacy.

    However, sources close to the Netanyahu government have now let
    it slip that Ross's words were actually a veiled hint at a possible
    solution to the next, most difficult stage, in the implementation of
    the peace process, the formidable discussions regarding the final
    status of Jerusalem. A potential breakthrough in the anticipated
    impasse may now have been reached as a result of an unexpected
    offer from the Disney corporation.

    Although all parties concerned insist that the final arrangements will
    have to be settled through direct negotiations between the involved
    parties, the preliminary details are as follows:

    The Old City of Jerusalem will be leased for an undetermined length of
    time to the Disney corporation, who will turn it into a religious theme
    park that will tentatively be called "Holy Land." The park will be
    subdivided into "Jewish Land," "Christian Land" and "Muslim Land," with
    the area of each coinciding roughly with the extent of Old Jerusalem's
    present religious "quarters."

    Precise blueprints for the park have of course not been finalised, but
    the Disney planners, speaking off the record, were visibly enthusiastic
    about the potential for a series of mechanical rides and roller
    coasters based on appropriate themes. "We have already produced outlines
    of a simulation in which visitors, drive along on tracks, will retrace
    the steps of the High Priest through the ancient Temple, culminating in
    a special surprise in the Holy of Holies." A similar ride has been
    devised for the Via Dolorosa, following the stations of the cross.

    The greatest excitement is being generated by the projected
    "Muhammad's Night Journey" ride which will be based on the Muslim
    prophet's ascent on the steed Buraq through the heavens from the
    Al-Aqsa mosque.

    Officials of the Israeli government were understandably reluctant about
    confirming the above plans. However one spokesman, Michael
    Ma'oz of the Foreign Ministry, agreed to discuss some of the issues
    involved, stressing that none of these statements were, at this moment,
    more than distant speculations.

    When asked about likely opposition from Israel's powerful Orthodox
    parties, Ma'oz replied that this appears to be less of a problem than
    previously feared. Disney has agreed to make generous contributions to a
    number of yeshivahs and other religious institutions. "Many
    ultra-Orthodox seem quite pleased by the prospect that they can get
    paid in dollars just for walking around in their traditional clothing.
    In fact," said Ma'oz, "the rabbis were generally less concerned with the
    content of the park, which their own people would be unlikely to visit,
    than with receiving assurances that the Disney folks will not allow the
    inclusion of any "Reform Street" or "Conservative Square" (A Disney
    representative did however suggest that non-Orthodox neighbourhoods
    might be included in prospective satellite parks outside of Israel).

    Asked whether this would contradict Prime Minister Netanyahu's
    pre-election commitment to an eternally united Israeli Jerusalem,
    Mr. Ma'oz muttered an obscure comment about Pinocchio's nose,
    and proceeded to point out how "Egged"'s proposed new combined
    monorail and roller-coaster would provide welcome relief from the
    capital's traffic congestion.

    A representative of the Jerusalem Waqf, `Adan al-Duq, was visibly
    upset when approached with questions about the alleged plan.
    However, he too acknowledged that the anticipated antagonism
    from fundamentalist circles would probably not materialise.

    "The Disney people appear to have learned their lesson from the Aladdin
    fiasco. They were very reasonable about withdrawing their original
    suggestion about attaching mouse-ears to the Dome of the
    Rock, and will definitely not be opening any new tunnels. Also, a
    private agreement may have been reached with President Arafat." Mr.
    al-Duq was reluctant to go into detail, but rumours circulating in the
    Jericho marketplace speak of a Disney commitment to allow Mr.
    Arafat to fulfill a childhood dream involving wearing a costume
    (possibly of a character from "Snow White") at the California
    Disneyland.

    Sources in the Holy See hinted at a package deal that would allow for
    the eventual establishment of a "Vatican Land" in Rome.

    The issue that troubles most people about the plan, is of course, the
    security question: Can the Disney crew maintain law and order in the
    volatile environment of Jerusalem's Old City?

    "No problem!" a spokesperson assured us. Remember that the
    Disney family has official links with at least one world-famous
    law-enforcement agency. "I can't reveal anything official at this stage,
    but we expect the area to be policed by an agency that we refer to as
    the `Temple Mounties'."

    Standing at the foot of the Temple Mount, the Disney representative
    assured us that every effort would be made not to alter or interfere
    with the city's traditional religious life-styles and traditions. His
    assurance was symbolically underscored as the ancient chant of
    the muezzin filled the air with the proclamation "Allah hu `Achbar."











    Comments

    Canine Bar Mitzvah



    There was once a man who wanted to make a bar mitzvah for his
    dog. He decided that he would consult his Orthodox Rabbi and
    seek his advice.

    The Rabbi said "Are you crazy!!! a Bar Mitzvah for a dog."

    The man replied, "Yes, Rabbi. He has been part of my family
    for thirteen years"

    The rabbi said, "I'm sorry. I can't do this for you"

    The man continued and went along to a conservative rabbi and
    the rabbi responded in the same way "I can't do a Bar Mitzvah
    for a dog".

    The man went ahead and asked his local Reform Rabbi if he
    would do the Bar Mitzvah for him. The Rabbi said, "Listen,
    we do a lot of crazy things around here but a Bar Mitzvah for
    a dog is absurd"

    The frustrated man responded, "Rabbi, I'll give you $18,000
    to do this for me......Please..!!!" The Rabbi quickly shot
    his head around and said "You never told me the dog was
    Jewish"










    Comments

    A Dying Wish


    An elderly Jew is on his deathbed and, much to his relatives'
    surprise, calls for a priest. When the priest arrives, the man
    declares, "I want to convert."

    Confused, the priest asks, "Sir, why on earth would you want to become
    a Catholic when you've lived all your life a Jew?"

    "Better one of them should die than one of us!" the man snaps.










    Comments

    El Al Announcements


    An El Al flight is about to take off. Over the intercom the
    passengers hear:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard. Your hostesses are
    Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz.
    Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."













    Comments

    The English Paper


    To conclude the course's segment on science fiction he assigned the
    class a paper, on any topic they wished having to do with science
    fiction. The next week, after the papers had been turned in, the
    professor was grading them and came across this paper:

    There once was an Israeli border guard named Isaac. Across the border
    from Isaac, Abdul, an Arab border guard, had his post. One night,
    Abdul crept over the border and killed Isaac.

    When Isaac's commander found out what had transpired the previous
    night, he was furious, and the next night, he and his squad staged a
    raid in which several Arab border guards, including Abdul, were killed.

    This, of course lead to Arab reprisals, which in turn lead to Israeli
    reprisals, which in turn...ad infinitum. Eventually, the Arabs and
    Israelis were at war.

    Well, the professor read this paper, and being utterly confused,
    reread it, shook his head in disgust, and wrote a large "F" on it, in
    red ink, and then moved on to the next paper.

    The next day, at the end of class, he handed back the papers, and as
    he was preparing to leave, the student who received the "F" approached
    and asked to speak with the professor.

    I don't understand why you didn't like my paper," the student said.

    "It's very simple," the professor replied. "You were assigned to
    write a paper on science fiction. This paper has nothing whatsoever to
    do with the assigned subject."

    "I must disagree," said the student. . "I think that my paper
    examined the very basis of Zion's Friction."




    Comments

    Everything's Coming Up Moses
    (a.k.a. The Joe Lieberman Song)
    By Alan Friedman

    (Parady as Sung by Al Gore)

    Who'd have guessed? Whoever knew?
    Such commotion when I picked a Jew

    Starting here, starting now,
    Baby, everything's coming up Moses

    Joe is wise, and he's deft,
    So what if he reads right to left?
    He's devout, Clinton's out,
    Baby, everything's coming up Moses

    There's an aura,
    My campaign's energized,
    Votes will pour-
    Soon we can all dance the hora.
    It's an exciting time,

    At state dinners we'll all say L'Chaim, We'll serve beef, axe the pork,
    Now we'll carry New York, And I can take my Saturdays off, too,
    Baby, everything's coming up Moses For me and for you!



    (c) Southern Discomfort Productions. Used with Permission.
    Comments

    Exodus - In Computer Command Language

    Release ISRAEL

    ISRAEL running in slave mode, cannot release

    Set ISRAEL;mode=master

    Pharaoh already running in master mode,
    cannot change ISRAEL

    Set Pharaoh;mode=slave

    Command ignored

    Load Moshe/Moses

    Done

    Deactivate Pharaoh

    Pharaoh account hard locked;cannot be deactivated

    For i=1 to 10 do plagues

    Are you sure? Y

    Done

    Release ISRAEL

    error: ISRAEL uninitialized

    Set ISRAEL = 600,000

    Done

    Release ISRAEL

    ISRAEL released

    Declare Matza;array(width=20,length=20,height=0)

    Done

    Move ISRAEL to Sinai

    OPERATOR WARNING! SYSTEM ABOUT TO CRASH! PHARAOH AND RED SEA
    HAVE LIMITED YOUR MEMORY SPACE! SAVE YOUR WORK!

    Save ISRAEL

    Specify save device

    Save ISRAEL with miracle

    Done

    Move ISRAEL to Sinai

    Done

    For I=1 to 10 do commandments

    Allocation conflict:Commandments cannot be operated with
    active golden calf routine

    Destroy calf

    Done

    For I=1 to 10 do commandments

    Done; commandments stored on hard rock device

    Move ISRAEL to desert

    Warning! Command could lead to infinite loop

    Move ISRAEL to desert;limit=40 years

    Done

    Build Mishkan

    Syntax error

    Build Mishkan;owner=Betzalel

    Done

    Move ISRAEL to ISRAEL

    Warning: operand terms must be unique

    Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

    Overload: cannot move all of ISRAEL to CANAAN

    set ISRAEL = ISRAEL - (SPIES * 10)

    Done

    Move ISRAEL to CANAAN

    Done

    Happy Pesach/Passover

    To you too

    Comments

    Exodus: On the Light Side
    (from Lights in Action)



    The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
    with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
    it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
    For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
    no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...



    Previously on
    "The Pentateuch (say what?)":

    ...And Jacob was buried in the Cave of Machpelah like unto his fathers, and
    Joseph too grew so long of years as to be near death, and did die, and
    furthermore did not live any longer...
    ...And so ended the Beginning.

    And now begins part two of the five-part miniseries, "The Pentateuch (say
    what?)":

    ...Now these are the names of the children of Israel who came into Egypt:
    Who, What, I Don't Know Who, Tomorrow, Today, Why, Because, and I Don't
    Give a Darn. And the Lord noticed that this was the Bible and not an Abbot
    and Costello routine and changed them to Reuben, Simon, Levi, Judah,
    Issachar, Zebulun, Benjamin, Dan, Naphtali, Gad, and Asher. And this was
    fine for the Lord, though "Issachar's on first?"-"No, Naphtali's on first;
    Issachar's on second."-"Zebulun."-"Third base." did not make any sense unto
    Abbot and Costello. But then that was their problem...

    ...And lo, the Israelites did multiply exponentially (which was amazing,
    considering that all they had was the abacus). And behold, did they become
    ever mighty and numerous and filled the land and the land was teeming with
    them and in fact double-teeming, and well, there were really a whole lot of
    them is the concept we're trying to get across here...

    ...And a new king arose upon Egypt who knew not of the noble acts of Joseph
    for he had read not the history books nor the Bible and did believe that it
    was all just so much revisionist camel dung. And the Pharaoh did see that
    the Jews were waxing ridiculously large of number and did say to his
    cabinet, "Forsooth, they shall become mightier than we and ally with our
    enemies and give us the proverbial heave-ho from out our land." And his
    ministers did look favorably upon his knowledge of Proverbs and did agree
    with him. And did one of Pharaoh's lackeys further say, "Let us deal
    craftily with them and enslave them under the pretext of an economic
    stimulus plan," and Pharaoh quoth "Make it so," and did further quoth,
    "Wonderful idea. Glad I thought of it"...

    ...And the Israelites were forced to build the Pyramids and then to move
    them around until they were in the right places and then to construct and
    solve a giant Rubik's Triangle. And did they wail one unto the other, "Oy!"
    But did the Children of Israel continue to multiply and did Pharaoh become
    alarmed and fear that when they had ceased to multiply they would also
    divide - and conquer. And so did Pharaoh add to their troubles and did
    issue a royal decree that all male babies be thrown into the Nile River.
    And did the tabloids declare that this was because Pharaoh's horoscope had
    told him that the savior of the People of Israel would be a boy baby born
    at a certain time...



    ...But there was a woman among the Israelites who did discover a loophole
    in Pharaoh's decree, for verily it did not forbid the use of any flotation
    device. And forsooth, she did place her son in a basket of reeds and did
    place it upon the Nile. And the baby's sister did look upon him from afar.
    And did the baby muse to himself as he floated: "Lo, lo, lo, my boat gently
    down the stream. Verily, verily, verily, verily..." And did the daughter of
    Pharaoh, who was bathing in the river, overhear the infant and know that it
    was a Hebrew child, for no Egyptian would ever come up with such an
    atrocious pun. And she did draw the basket out of the water and did adopt
    the baby as her own and she did call his name Moses, saying, "For I drew
    him out of the water and, er, well, it's a better name than basket"...

    ...And when Moses was grown he did go out among the other Israelites and
    did see their troubles. And he did notice an Egyptian beating an Isralite
    and was mightily ticked off. And after looking to make sure that there was
    no overhead camera, he did slay the Egyptian and hide him in the sand. And
    lo, when he went out the next day, two Isrealites strove together like unto
    Holyfield and Bowe, and Moses did rebuke the one who was smiting his
    fellow, saying, "Why dost thou smite thy fellow?" And the Israelite did
    reply, "My, my, aren't we feeling superior today, Mr.
    let-me-just-go-over-and-knock-off-that-Egyptian?" And did Moses quoth, "Uh
    oh," for lo, his deed was known and was furthermore to appear on Hard Copy
    that evening. And Moses did fear for his hide and did flee Egypt for the
    neighboring country, Midian, and did end up married with two kids, tending
    the flock of his father-in-law, Jethro...

    ...And it came to pass that the L-rd heard the cries of the Children of
    Israel and did remember the covenant made with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob
    (see Genesis). And the Lord did appear to Moses one day in the desert in a
    burning bush and did speak from its midst, saying, "I am the L-rd, thy
    G-d." And Moses spake, saying "What?" And the Lord spake, saying, "No,
    What's on second. I am the L-rd, thy G-d." And Moses spake saying, "Oh my
    G-d." And G-d spake, saying, "Thou catchest on fast." And G-d did say
    further, "I am the G-d of thy father, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob,
    and I am come down to deliver the Jews out of the hand of the Egyptians and
    unto a land flowing with milk and honey." And Moses said, "Gross," for
    stepping into milk and honey wearing only sandals is not a pleasant feeling
    unto the feet...




    ...And did G-d quoth, "I have seen the sufferings of my People in Egypt and
    lo, it is payback time. Go down, Moses, way down in Egypt land. Tell old
    Pharaoh to let my People go." And did Moses reply, "Who, me? But I'm, uh,
    that is, I don't, uh, I'm not really that great at, uh, public speaking,
    see..." And the Lord said, "Go. Thy brother Aaron (Remeber him?) shall
    speak in thy stead." And did the Lord give Moses miracles and wonders to
    show in Egypt, such as how to win at three card monte...

    ...And Moses did go and did speak unto Pharaoh, saying, "Thus saith the
    Lord: Let my People go, that they may worship me." And Pharaoh quoth,
    "Okay, fine, go ahead, take them... NOT!" And Moses did perform there the
    miracles that G-d had shown him. But lo, Pharaoh was unimpressed, for his
    own magicians could win at three card monte (though he could not). And did
    the Pharaoh quoth, "Get this joker out of here," and did order that the
    Israelites' toil be made harder...

    ...And the Lord did command Moses to demand once again that Pharaoh free
    the Israelites to worship their God in the interests of religious tolerance
    and multiculturalism. And Moses and Aaron did return to the palace and
    there did again perform a miracle before Pharaoh, throwing down a staff and
    turning it into a snake. And Pharaoh cammanded his magicians to do the
    same, whereupon Moses' snake did swallow up all of the other snakes, burp,
    and turn back into a staff. But the Pharaoh remained unimpressed, and was
    by now verily irked, for lo, not only had Moses and Aaron proved stronger
    than his magicians; he would also have to pay for a bunch of new staffs...

    ...And lo, now did the Lord really get cooking. And it came to pass that
    the next morning, Pharaoh was walking on the banks of the Nile. And Moses
    bid Aaron stretch his staff over the water (for lo, he had made him his
    chief of staff) and behold, the water was turned to blood and all the fish
    did expire not unlike those of Boston Harbour. And lo, all the water in all
    the land of Egypt was turned to blood, the water in the streams and in the
    wells and even in the Evian bottles, save only the water in the places of
    the Israelites, which remained fresh. And the Egyptians did quoth,
    "Eeeeeeuwwwww, yuck!"...




    ...And Pharaoh's heart was
    hardened for he was a moron, and Moses caused frogs to overrun the land and
    to get down the shorts of all the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians did
    in like manner and, with their secret arts did bring up yet more frogs
    (which proves that being a magician in Pharaoh's court did not require much
    in the brains department). And Pharaoh did entreat Moses and Aaron to
    remove the plague of frogs and did promise to let the people go. But when
    they had removed the frogs - who, in the manner of their kind, did croak -
    Pharaoh's heart was hardened once again...

    ...And Moses brought lice upon the land of Egypt and Pharaoh's magicians
    tried to bring forth lice with their own arts but could not. And the
    magicians did say unto Pharaoh regarding this plague of lice, "This is the
    finger of G-d!" And verily was Pharaoh angered, for he did not appreciate
    being given the finger, and his heart remained hard...

    ..And this went on for some time. And wild beasts and animal sickness and
    boils and hail were all harsh unto the Egyptians, and Pharaoh still did not
    heed as he was a real blockhead. But all these plagues plagued not the Jews
    for... they were the Jews...

    ...And Moses brought darkness unto the land, darkness so dark that man
    could not see his fellow man and there was much bumping into one another
    until even this was stopped due to it being so dark. And the darkness was
    black, even blacker than Spinal Tapp's "Smell the Glove" jacket...

    ...And lo, Pharaoh did blow his top completely after the plague of darkness
    and did threaten to kill Moses and Aaron if they ever returned to the
    palace. And the Lord did speak to Moses, saying, "Tell the People to take a
    lamb, one to each family, on this day, that they shall sacrifice it and eat
    of the meat and smear the blood on their doors. On this night I shall slay
    the firstborn of all the Egyptians, but the houses of the Israelites shall
    I pass over." And did Moses quoth, "Hey, what a great name for a holiday!"
    And the Lord did sayeth, "What, Passover?" And Moses quoth, "Uh, actually I
    was thinking of Bloody Door Day, but Passover does have a nice ring to it"...

    ...And the Israelites did as Moses bid them. And the Lord quoth, "This
    shall be a holiday for generations: all leavened bread - and all food.










    Comments

    Extremely Reform Craft Project
    by David Bader
    from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew




    During the week encourage young children to work on a Jewish craft or
    project to present on the Sabbath.

    Make Your Own Yarmulke (An Extremely Reform Craft Project)
    Step 1. Find an old Mickey Mouse hat.
    Step 2. Tear off the ears.


    * Note: In general, Nintendo is not considered a 'Jewish Craft.'









    Comments

    Reform Rules


    from
    How
    to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader




    The mezuzah: Even if you have no idea what it is, by all means
    affirm the Extremely Reform Jewishness of your home by
    owning religious artifacts that you find puzzling. Each member
    of the household, each time they pass it, should touch it gently
    with their fingertips and then kiss their fingertips, until everyone
    in the household has the same flu symptoms.

    Jewish Dietary Laws are not to be confused with Jewish Laws
    of Dieting, though both involve widespread rationalizing and
    cheating. Making food kosher involves removing unwanted
    impurities, such as flavor. This process is described in greater
    detail in the Jewish bestseller, When Bad Things Happen to
    Good Cuts of Meat.











    Comments

    Extremely Reform Synagogue Survival Skills
    from
    How
    to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader



    Survival Tip Number 6: No, You Don't Have to Know Hebrew

    (Showing Up For Services Is Sufficiently Amazing.) A question commonly
    asked by Extremely Reform Jews is, "Must I pray in Hebrew?" No, and wipe
    that look of terror off your face. Fluency in Hebrew, of course, is
    vital to the proper understanding of Israeli truck driver insults.
    On the other hand, a famous Hungarian Rabbi used to conduct his prayer
    services entirely in Hungarian. This does not mean you have to learn
    either Hebrew or Hungarian. It simply means that you can pray in any
    language you can actually speak. . . .



    Basic Extremely Reform Hebrew

    "Shabbat Shalom!" --
    "Good Sabbath!"

    "Ha Goldfarberim kanu yachta." --
    "The Goldfarbs bought a yacht."

    "Hi hishmina me'az hashana she'avra." --
    "She's gotten heavier since last year."

    "Ani hoshez she'ani mikabel hatkafat podagra." --
    "I think I'm having a gout attack."










    Comments

    Fershtayn Yiddish?



    Mrs. Lapidus approached a man at a bus stop in Brooklyn. She tugged on the
    sleeve of his coat and asked, "Fershtayn Yiddish?"

    The man answered, "Ya, ich fershtay."

    Says Mrs. Lapidus, "Gut. Vot time is it?"











    Comments

    Dentistry and Religion

    As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one
    cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing
    religiously."

    "Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to synagogue."










    Comments

    Funny Wife

    "If your wife laughs at your jokes, it means that you
    either have a good joke or a good wife."
    -- Yiddish Saying












    Comments

    Gabbai Chain Letter


    Dear Fellow Gabbai:

    This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been
    in many major synagogues. Now it has come to you. It will bring you
    good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must
    follow these instructions:


    include the names below in your next "mi sheberach".
    remove the first name from the list and add your own name at the bottom.
    make ten copies and send them to colleagues.


    Within one year, you will be blessed 10,000 times! This will
    amaze your family, assure your unbounded success and improve your
    religious life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues.
    Do not break the loop, but send this letter on today.

    The illustrious gabbai Itzik J. of New York received this letter and within
    a year after passing it on was picked as chief gabbai of all New York
    State! Fred W. threw the letter away and lost all his money on the stock
    exchange. Judas H. received the letter and put it aside. That week, he
    forgot to give an aliyah to the shul president (!) and by mistake called
    only six people to the Torah instead of seven. He found the letter and
    passed it on, and later that week was acclaimed gabbai of the year. Rabbi
    Adrian B. did not pass the letter on, and he was told that day that his
    shul was to be dismantled and he was out of a job! This could happen to you
    if you break this chain.

    Dina Sara ben Haman (Shushan)

    Steven Wendel ben Augustus (Ramallah)

    Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo ben Shlomo Shlomo Shlomo (Holy Temple)

    Menahem Israel ben Soussa Mahmoud (Jerusalem)











    Comments

    It's All Relative

    A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has
    decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl
    and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure
    she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very
    disturbing to her.

    She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I
    suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

    He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy
    Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news,
    and asks, "What is her name?"

    He answers, "Monica Lewinsky".

    There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice
    black boy you were dating last year?"


    Comments

    Answering Prayers

    "In the synagogue I heard men praying," said the boy. "It must be awfully
    hard for G-d."

    "Why?" asked the rabbi.

    "The woodcutter was praying for cold weather, the fruit-seller for mild
    weather, the farmer for rain, and the brickmaker for dry
    weather. They are godly men. How does G-d know how to answer all their
    prayers?"

    "How is the weather now?" asked the rabbi.

    "Dry and mild."

    "And last week?"

    "On Monday and Tuesday it rained. Thursday it was cold."

    "See" said the rabbi.











    Comments

    Messages From Above



    Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign
    (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different
    messages from G-d. This non-denominational campaign started in September
    sponsored by an anonymous client.


    1. "Need Directions?" - Gd
    2. "C'mon Over And Bring The Kids " - Gd
    3. "What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand?" - Gd
    4. "We Need To Talk" - Gd
    5. "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer" - Gd
    6. "Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage" - Gd
    7. "That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It." - Gd
    8. "I Love You...I Love You...I Love You..." - Gd
    9. "Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?" - Gd
    10. "Follow Me." - Gd
    11. "Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available." - Gd
    12. "My Way Is The Highway." - Gd
    13. "Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test." - Gd
    14. "You Think It's Hot Here?" - Gd
    15. "Tell The Kids I Love Them." - Gd






    Comments

    A Second in the Life of G-d
    by Simon Travaglia





    ...DoYouThinkICouldBeAllowedToStayUpLateCanYouMakeMeSomeoneElseCanIHaveANewCar
    IfYouGetMeOutOfThisI'llBeBetterInFutureWhyWon'tSheNoticeMePLEASEHELPMEFINDMY
    HOMEWORKIReallyAmSorrySoCanYouPleaseGetMeOutOfThisMessWhyDoesEveryoneElseGetIt
    SoEasyWhileEverythingForMeIsSoDifficultPleaseLetHimNoticeMeCanYouUnbreakDad's
    GuitarIfIPassThisExamIPromiseI'llGoToShulEveryDayForTheRestOfMyLifeCanYouMake
    ThemStopPickingOnMePleaseLetMeGetOffWithASuspendedSentencePleaseMakeMeABetter
    PersonCanIGetAPowerRangerForMyBirthdayAPromotionWouldBeReallyNiceAndIThinkI
    DeserveItNotLikeGeorgeWhoNeverWorksForItAndDoesn'tReallyCareAboutTheCompanyPlease
    BringHerBackToMeIWishTheyWouldJustDieButIGuessIShouldn'tHopeForThatPleaseHelpMe
    SaveMoneyWouldYouJustGiveMeALittleMoreTime-There'sSoMuchIWantToDoWithMyLifeThat
    StillIsn'tDoneWHYDOESTHISHAPPENTOME?PleaseLetHimKnowThatWeCareEvenIfWeForgetToTell
    HimSometimesCanYouFindMyDog,ItMeansTheWorldToMeCouldYouLetMeWinTheLottery,EvenIf
    It'sOnlyAHundredGrandOrSomethingAsItWouldReallyHelpMeThroughThisScrapePleaseDon't
    LetAnyoneFindOutThatItWasMePleaseCanYouFindSomeWayForMeToGetANewBikePleaseCanYou
    ChangeThePastSoThatItNeverHappenedAndNoOneGotHurtAndWe'reBackTogetherAgainLikeIt
    WasPleaseCanYouMakeMeHappyWhyDiDYouTakeHimWhenYouCouldHaveTakenHisBrotherWhoWasNo
    GoodToAnyonePleaseHelpMeFindMyChildWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOMEIT'SNOTFAIRPleaseCanYou
    HelpThisJustBeOverAndDoneWithAsSoonAsPossiblePleaseHelpMeBeNotSoScaredPleaseMakeMy
    BidTheSuccessfulOneCanYouJustFixThisUp,That'sAllIAskOfYouPleaseMakeHerNoticeMeAnd
    RealiseThatI'mANicePersonWhereHasAllMyTimeGoneIDon'tFEELOldPleaaseMakeMeYoungAgain
    PleaseCanYouMakeMeWinOnThisMachinePleaseCanYouHelpMeFindAWayToGetThroughThisPlease
    LookAfterMyFriendNowThatSheNeedsSomeHelpPleaseCanIJustNotHaveSpentAllThatMoneyLast
    NightPleaseLetUsBeFriendsAgainPleaseCanIHaveANewPlaceToLiveFixThisUpJustOnceMoreAnd
    IWillNeverDoThatAgainCouldYouLetMeGetTheJobAndNotHerCanYouJustMakeAllTheHassleGoAway
    CanYouPleaseMakeMomBuyMeANewPairOfNikesCanYouMakeThisYearSpeedUpSoThatIt'sOverWith
    RealFastJUSTFIXITSOIDON'THAVETOGOAWAYAGAIN,INEVERMEANTTOHURTANYONECanIJustHaveSome
    FoodForMeAndMyFamilyCanYouPleaseJustMakeItNotMalignantPleaseCanIWinThisRaceAfterAll
    TheTrainingIPutInPleaseHelpMePleaseGrantMeAReprievePleaseDon'tLetMeHaveCancerPlease
    LetHerSayYesCanIGetAllA'sForThisSemesterAndI'llWorkHarderNextTimePleaseDon'tLetMeDie
    AloneCanIJustForOnceNotHavetoGoThroughAllThisAgainPleaseProtectMeNowMoreThanEverCanI
    WinOneOfTheFreeTickets.....

    Oh, Yeah, Thanks for that..










    Comments

    Brother - Can You Spare a Dime?


    A man walked to the top of a hill to talk to G-d.
    The man asked, "G-d, what's a million years to you?"

    And G-d said "A minute."

    Then the man asked:
    "Well, what's a million dollars to you?"

    and G-d said: "A penny"

    Then the man asked:
    "G-d.....can I have a penny?"

    And G-d said:
    "Sure.....In a minute."

    Comments



    While Jimmy Carter was in office he took an inter-religious
    sebaticle. While in Rome, he had a private sitting with the Pope. While
    in the Pope's office Carter noticed a gold phone in the corner. Carter
    asked the pope what it was, he answered by saying it is a telephone to
    G-d. The Pope asked Carter if he wanted to talk. So Carter picked up the
    phone listened for a sec. and then smiled, "That was a truly incredible
    experience!," he said, "Now what am I supposed to do? The Pope told him a
    donation of $1000 is customary. Carter wrote a check, thanked the Pope
    and left.

    A few weeks later, Carter was in the Prime Minister of Israel's
    office and he noticed a phone, nearly identical to the one in the Pope's
    office. Carter asked him if it was a pone to G-d, also. The Prime
    Minister told him it was and asked him if he wanted to talk. So Carter
    picked up the phone, listened for a sec., and then smiled, "That was a
    truly incredible experience!, Should I leave a donation?" "If you want
    to," the prime minister said, "Put a couple of dollars in the collection
    plate on your way out." Carter was confused. "In Rome I was asked for a
    $1000 donateoin." "Ah, but that was long distance, " said the Prime
    Minister of Israel.






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    Comments

    G-d Sues Man -- Claims 'Hurt Feelings'

    HEAVEN -- G-d has gone on the offensive, launching a counter suit
    against a Pennsylvanian man who sued the deity for ruining his life.

    "I may be an omnipotent, all-powerful being, but I have feelings too,"
    said G-d in a rare phone interview from Heaven. "And you don't want to
    get on my bad side. As Supreme Beings go, I can be pretty vindictive."

    G-d was reacting to a suit launched by Donald Drusky, 63, who blames the
    all-powerful one for failing to bring him justice in a 30-year battle
    against his former employer U.S. Steel. Drusky also wants G-d to return
    his youth, give him guitar-playing skills, and resurrect his mother and
    his pet pigeon.

    "Defendant G-d is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
    corrective action against the leaders of his church and his nation for
    their extremely serious wrongs, that ruined the life of Donald Drusky,"
    the lawsuit says.

    "Yeah, well, I want the Red Sox to win the World Series, but it ain't
    gonna happen," said an obviously angry G-d, as the sky rumbled. G-d's
    suit calls for Drusky to cease and desist from blaming the Lord for his
    problems, and keep at least 50 meters away from God at all times.

    "And no more late night phone calls," said G-d. "I'm a busy deity. I
    need my beauty sleep." Should the suit and counter suits go to trial,
    G-d will likely choose to defend himself. "You know how tough it is
    finding a lawyer in Heaven?"


    Comments

    Changes in Judaism through the Generations
    by Ben Levi




    The grandfather believes
    The father doubts
    The son denies

    The grandfather prays in Hebrew
    The father reads the prayers in English
    The son doesn't pray at all

    The grandfather observes all the festivals
    The father observes Yom Kippur
    The son does not observe any

    The grandfather is still a Jew
    The father has become an Israelite
    The son is simply a deist









    Comments

    The G-dliness of Marriage


    According to the Talmud, a Roman matron once asked a rabbi, "In how
    many days did the Holy One, blessed be He, create the Universe?"

    "In six days," he answered

    "And what has He been doing since then, up to now?"

    "He has been arranging marriages."

    "Is that His occupation? I, too, could do it. I possess many male and
    female slaves, and in a very short while I can pair them together."

    He said to her, "If it is a simple thing in your eyes, it is as
    difficult to the Holy One, blessed be He, as dividing the Red Sea."

    He then took his departure.

    What did she do? She summoned a thousand male slaves and a thousand
    female slaves, set them in rows, and announced who should marry whom.
    In a single night she arranged marriages for them all.

    The next day they appeared before her, one with a cracked forehead,
    another with an eye knocked out, and another with a broken leg.

    She asked them, "What is the matter with you?"

    One female said, "I don't want him."

    Another male said, "I don't want her."

    She forthwith sent for the rabbi and said to him, "There is no god
    like your G-d, and your Torah is true..."











    Comments

    G-d Will Provide


    A religious man lived a good live and always felt G-d had treated him
    well. One day the water of a nearby river crested above the banks and a
    flood began. While all his neighbors evacuated, he stood fast and told
    them he wasn't worried, that G-d would provide.

    As the water reached his roof, a man in a raft came by and told him to hop
    on. He said no, that G-d would provide.

    With the water now halfway up his roof a man in a rowboat came and
    implored that the man come with him. He refused saying G-d would provide.

    Finally a helicopter came and dropped a rope as the waters rose even
    higher. He still stood fast at the top of his roof, insisting that G-d
    would provide. The helicopter flew way, and soon the rising water carried
    the man to his death.

    At the gates of heaven the man asked G-d why he did not save him.

    G-d replied, "What do you mean? I sent two boats and a helicopter!"

    Comments

    G-d May Already Be a Winner!!


    GOD MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!

    BUSHNELL, Fla. - The other 20 million finalists might as well give up.
    One of the gold-sticker-laden sweepstakes entry forms and magazine sales
    pitches that show up almost weekly in most Americans' mailboxes has been
    sent to God.

    American Family Publishers sent its form, whose addresses and letters are
    computer-generated, to "God of Bushnell" at the Bushnell Assembly of God,
    a church in Central Florida.

    "God, were searching for you. You've been positively identified as our
    $11,000,000 mystery millionaire," the form read.

    The fine print showed the Creator was merely a finalist but a letter with
    the entry form lured Him to try his luck. "Imagine the looks you'd get
    from your neighbors ... but don't just sit there, God, come forward now
    and claim your prize," it read.

    Bill Brack, the church's pastor, read some of the letter to his
    congregation last Sunday. "I knew He was around here, but this, well, it
    was a surprise," Brack told the Tampa Tribune.

    He said he had not yet decided whether the church would enter the
    sweepstakes. "God has $11 million," he said.

    Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.

    First Ed McMahon worked with Johnny Carson, and now, Dick Clark. And soon
    he gets to present a check for $11 million to God. He's obviously lived
    the good life.

    Comments

    The Gefilte Fish Story


    Many times I have been upset by people who seem to think that gefilte fish
    is some kind of mixture you make in the kitchen rather than one of Hashem's
    creatures. This explains exactly what a gefilte fish is.

    Each year as soon as the frost on the Great Gefilte Lakes (located Upstate
    New York somewhere in the Catskill Mountains) is thin enough to break the
    surface, Frum fishermen set out to 'catch' gefilte fish. Now unlike your normal
    fish, gefilte fish cannot be caught with a rod and a reel or your standard
    bait. The art of catching gefilte fish was handed down for hundreds, maybe
    thousands of years. For all we know Moses used to go gefilte fish catching.
    I'm sure that the Great Rambam (Maimonides) when he wasn't busy playing
    doctor spent his leisure time G/F fishing. Enough already, you say, so how is
    it done? Well, you go up to the edge of lake with some Matzoh. Now this is
    very important! It has to be Shmurah Matzoh or the fish will not be attracted.
    You stand at the edge of the lake and whistle and say 'here boy, here boy.'
    The fish just can't resist the smell of the Matzoh. They come in mass to the
    edge of the lake where they jump into the jars and are bottled on the spot.

    Again you must remember that there are two kinds of gefilte fish. The strong
    and the weak. The weak are your standard fish, which are in a loose 'broth' (it
    is actually the lake water). Now the strong are special. They seem to be in a
    'jell.' These fish are actually imported from the Middle East where they are
    caught in the Dead Sea. They have to be strong to be able to swim through that
    'jell.'

    Last year a well meaning gentleman tried to correct me by stating, 'Reb,
    shouldn't they be saying `Here Boychic!' I didn't have the heart to tell him,
    Boychic is a Yiddish word and gefilte fish don't understand Yiddish! Only
    Hebrew and surprisingly, English! There has been a big debate as to whether
    to use the Hebrew or English in the US. With a big break from tradition,
    shockingly the English is accepted by almost all G/F fishermen. Some still
    insist on using the Hebrew and consider the use of 'Here Boy' as Reform and
    not Halachicly acceptable. However the Congress of Rabbis (who have to be
    present at the lakes when the fish are bottled) uniformly accept 'here boy'!

    The time of the catch is very important! The fish cannot be caught before Purim
    is over or the fish are considered Chametz! Besides the fish know when Pesach
    is coming and will not respond to the Matzoh before the proper time.

    I am still a little bothered by which end of the fish is the head and which
    the tail (not to mention that I am not sure where their eyes are). This is a
    small price to pay the luxury of eating this delicacy.

    Have you ever had the baby G/F? Oy, they are so cute that I feel a little
    guilty eating them! Have a great Pesach and hope that the Matzoh doesn't affect
    you like Pepto Bismol or worse yet, prunes!











    Comments

    The Generals' Baskets


    Like a lot of religions, the Jews attempt to carry their beliefs,
    traditions, and laws into their every-day lives. Even the military
    in Israel is operated under strict religious laws. All of their
    generals have 3 baskets on their desks for their correspondence:
    "Sacred", "Top Sacred" and "OY, Don't Ask !"




    Comments

    The Online Book of Genesis


    IN THE BEGINNING [author unknown]
    (To justify G-d's ways to the 21st century.)


    In the beginning there was the computer. And G-d said

    :Let there be light!

    #Enter user id.

    :Hashem

    #Enter password.

    :Omniscient

    #Password incorrect. Try again.

    :Omnipotent

    #Password incorrect. Try again.

    :Technocrat

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

    :Let there be light!

    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.

    :Create light

    #Done

    :Run heaven and earth

    #And G-d created Day and Night. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
    #And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

    :Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

    #Unrecognizable command. Try again.

    :Create firmament

    #Done.

    :Run firmament

    #And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

    :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
    the dry land appear and

    #Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

    :Create dry_land

    #Done.

    :Run firmament

    #And G-d divided the waters. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.
    #And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

    :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

    #Unspecified type. Try again.

    :Create sun_moon_stars

    #Done

    :Run sun_moon_stars

    #And G-d divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
    #And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

    :Create fish

    #Done

    :Create fowl

    #Done

    :Run fish, fowl

    #And G-d created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
    creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
    after its kind. And G-d saw there were 0 errors.

    #And G-d logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

    #And G-d logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

    :Create cattle

    #Done

    :Create creepy_things

    #Done

    :Now let us make man in our image

    #Unspecified type. Try again.

    :Create man

    #Done

    :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
    dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
    every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

    #Too many command operands. Try again.

    :Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 6 errors.

    :Insert breath

    #Done

    :Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 5 errors.

    :Move man to Garden of Eden

    #File Garden of Eden does not exist.

    :Create Garden.edn

    #Done

    :Move man to Garden.edn

    #Done

    :Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 4 errors.

    :Copy woman from man

    #Done

    :Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 3 errors.

    :Insert woman into man

    #Illegal parameters. Try again.

    :Insert man into woman

    #Done

    :Run multiplication

    #Execution terminated. 2 errors.

    :Create desire

    #Done

    :Run multiplication

    #And G-d saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    :Create freewill

    #Done

    :Run freewill

    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    :Undo desire

    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

    :Destroy freewill

    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    :Help

    #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    :Create tree_of_knowledge

    #And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
    #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

    :Create good, evil

    #Done

    :Activate evil

    #And God saw he had created shame.
    #Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
    1 errors.

    :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

    #Search failed.

    :Delete shame

    #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has en activated.

    :Destroy freewill

    #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
    #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

    :Stop

    #Unrecognizable command. Try again

    :Break
    :Break
    :Break

    #ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR
    REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

    :Create new world

    #You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
    before new ones can be created.

    :Destroy earth

    #Destroy earth: Please confirm.

    :Destroy earth confirmed

    #COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
    6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

    #And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
    #Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.


    Comments

    Genesis 1


    In the beginning G-d created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
    4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let there be light; and there was light. And
    when there was Light, G-d saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
    down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

    And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
    limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
    erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
    paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

    And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
    wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the
    earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
    earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had
    made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
    overtime were Tuesday.

    And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
    was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
    he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
    through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
    carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
    all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise
    all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land ,
    called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for
    instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
    called Wednesday.

    And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
    I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or
    feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let
    each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like,
    whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
    great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and
    feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
    brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
    multiply and Evolve Not.

    And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
    exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
    what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species
    competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and
    some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d
    was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them
    to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And
    he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
    become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters
    beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating.
    And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which
    was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work.

    And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
    tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
    which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
    hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
    fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God
    created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
    created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.

    And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
    upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
    you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I
    have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
    they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the
    flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall
    Surf be wedded unto Turf.

    And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
    and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
    accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
    billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
    roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank Me it's Friday. And G-d made the
    weekend.












    Comments

    Genesis: On the Light Side
    from Lights in Action

    The following is meant to amuse. For those of you who will dive into this
    with reckless abandon, please be aware: THIS IS NOT THE REAL STORY. Rather,
    it is, to those of us with a satirical bent, how the story could have read.
    For those of you whose sensibilities maintain that any parody of the Bible,
    no matter how careful, constitutes sacrilege, we apologize...


    In the beginning...

    Well, let's face it, nobody really knows exactly what happened in the
    beginning. So to avoid controversy, let's move on...

    ...and G-d said, "Let us make man in our image and likeness," And feminists
    everywhere took offense at this, saying, "And what of woman?" at which
    point G-d responded by creating woman as a "helpmate." And again, the
    feminists turned their faces upwards toward the heavens and asked, "But
    what of equality?" and G-d replied, "I understand where you're coming from,
    but man isn't ready for that yet. Believe Me. I'm half woman."...

    ...And G-d made man and woman, both male and female made He them for male
    and female both made did She, G-d, that is, in His making. (Check out the
    text, Genesis 1:27. It really reads like this!) And G-d placed them in the
    Garden of Eden. And G-d spake unto them, saying, "All of the bounty of the
    Garden ye shall surely consume, save the fruit of the tree of knowledge.
    "From the tree of knowledge ye shall not taste, lest my wrath grow large
    and, well, it won't be pretty."
    But Eve did eat from the tree of knowledge and so too did Adam. And it all
    went pretty much down hill from there as one could expect...

    ...And the Lord spake unto Man and Woman, saying, "The ire of the Lord hast
    thine irked." And did the Man and the Woman fall upon their knees and say,
    "See, we never know when you're kidding." Still the Lord, being omniscient
    and all, was not impressed and continued, saying, "Ye shall be banished
    from the Garden of Eden and be forced to work the land in back-breaking
    labor, or perhaps telemarketing." And they were banished to the land East
    of Eden (later to be inhabited by their descendent James Dean)...

    ...and the couple bore two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain, being of the
    field, was of the field. Abel tended livestock. And Cain madeth a sacrifice
    unto the Lord, bringing him produce of the field (and some real
    mayonnaise). And Abel too madeth a sacrifice unto the Lord. But G-d
    accepted only Abel's offering. And Cain became enraged and stomped around
    grumbling, "Good for nothing farshtunkiner Abel," and rose up and hacked
    his brother to pieces. And G-d's voice shone down from the heavens, saying,
    "Abel, oh Abel, wherefore art thine Abel?" And Cain responded, "Am I my
    brother's keeper?" And G-d was irked for this was not Jeopardy and question
    form was not acceptable. And the Lord lay down some severe punishments for
    Cain, not the least of which was a career in telemarketing...

    ...And as the generations begat generations and they begat generations,
    humankind filled the earth, and many people began to wonder what the word
    "begat" really meant. And humankind became an abomination in the eyes of
    G-d, for they respected not their fellows and did murder and did steal and
    did plunder and did play bad 70's music... But Noah was a man of G-d. And
    G-d spoke unto Noah, saying, "Build for thee an ark and take of every
    animal and every fowl and every creepy-crawly two, both male and female,
    onto the ark, for it will rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and lo, the
    sewers shall back up." And speaking further G-d spake, "Warn the people of
    the land and bid that they repent, lest the flood shall surely consume
    them." And Noah warned and built, built and warned, and lo the rains came,
    and the earth was submerged and the people drowned, save those that were in
    the ark. And after 40 days and 40 nights, the rains subsided and Noah sent
    out a raven to see whence there was land and
    the raven went aflying,
    spying for the land
    thought lost forevermore
    But Noah's patience was he trying,
    for the earth was still not drying
    for drying was not yet in store.
    On the raven Noah stopped relying
    And started on implying
    that the Raven was not trying
    - and you won't get this unless you've
    covered Edgar Allen Poe in Lit 101 -
    just a friendly warning -
    not trying to alert him as he'd
    bid him to before
    so a dove was sent a flying
    and some land-info supplying
    supplying an olive branch
    to prove there was now both sea and shore
    and G-d promised..no floods.
    Quoth the raven,
    "Nevermore."...

    ...And yet again man rebelled against G-d and rose up as one to build a
    tower to reach the heavens. And G-d said "Verily shall I bring a flood to
    destroy the- Wait a minute. I promised not to do that any more, didn't I?
    Darn!" And G-d smote the tower and dispersed man to the four corners of the
    earth and unto every land bestowed a different language, saying "I shall
    create diversity and multiculturalism and it shall be a bane and a plague
    on their existence - up until the 20th century, when they will finally get
    some use out of it."...

    ...Many generations later, there was Abraham. And Abraham saw the stars and
    the sand and the home-shopping network and said, "Lo forsooth, what for!
    All this could not have happened by itself. Thusly, all of the world's
    bounty must come from one single source." (According to the Midrash - a
    part of the Torah transmitted orally and later written down.) And Abraham
    rode for many days on his camel, declaring, "Ho there, I have discovered
    monotheism." And the Middle East Enquirer did pick up the story and quoth,
    "Man claims: Aliens revealed to me there is but one G-d." And did the
    stand-up comics of the day mock Abraham in their monologues and the people
    laugh, saying, "One G-d? That idea will never catch on!"...

    ...And Abraham did many good deeds for the people, and his house was always
    open to strangers, and he taught the men of the nature of G-d. And Sarah
    did teach the women (for lo, co-education had not yet been invented)...

    ...And G-d spake unto Abraham, saying, "Go forth from the land of thy
    birthplace, from the land of thy ancestors, from the land of thy home, in
    which you dwell. Go unto the land which I shall tell you." Quoth Abraham,
    "What, Uganda?" Quoth the Lord, "Go to Canaan." And speaking further, G-d
    spake, "Behold, ye shall be the father of a nation more numerous than the
    stars in the sky and this nation shall enter the land of Canaan and the
    whole shebang shall be called Israel, save a portion of the south, which
    shall sometimes be called Egypt." And Abraham and Sarah and Lot, his
    nephew, packed their bags and moved to the Galilee...

    ...And Abraham was 99 years old when G-d spoke to him, saying, "I must have
    a covenant between you and me, the Lord, your G-d. Take unto thee a knife
    and clip thy foreskin as a covenant unto me." And Abraham did so, and spake
    unto the Lord saying, "Ouch!" And Abraham wanted to invite men to his house
    to show them good hospitality (for lo, the day was hot and none had left on
    the air-conditioning). And Abraham was downcast and in pain. And G-d saw
    Abraham's downcast visage and sent him three angels to be his guests. And
    Abraham was no longer downcast, though still in pain. And the angels said
    unto Abraham, "To yourself and Sarah shall be born a son, who shall be next
    in the line of the Jewish people." And Sarah overheard this and laughed to
    herself, saying, "Yeah, right" for yea, verily she was ancient and thought
    it farcical. And Abraham also laughed and thought to himself, "Lo, methinks
    childbirth to be more painful than a circumcision at 99 with no
    anesthetic!"...

    ...Meanwhile, in other regions of the Middle East, it was, oh, how shall we
    say it?, the best of times and the worst of times. There were these two
    cities, Sodom and Gemorah. Whenever there came a visitor to these cities,
    if they were short, they would be stretched, and if they were tall, they
    would have their legs chopped off (according to Midrash - oral tradition).
    And the Lord looked down upon Sodom and Gemorah and was want to smite them.
    And the Lord spoke unto Abraham, saying, "I shall toast both Sodom and
    Gemorah until they are little crunchy black ashes in the eyes of the Lord."
    And Abraham could not bear to see them suffer and pleaded to the lord, "If
    there be even 50 righteous men among them, may you spare the cities." But
    there were not 50 righteous men. And Abraham did bargain with the Lord but
    lo, there were not even 10 righteous men, and the Lord smote Sodom and
    Gemorah. And the visiting angels said unto Lot, Abraham's nephew, "G-d
    shall smite the city of Sodom in which you live. Quick, you must flee, and
    your wife too. But lo, ye are only being saved on the merit of thine uncle,
    who is in the G-d business, and the Lord hath forbidden you to witness the
    destruction." But Lot's wife was weak and did turn around. And so, she was
    turned into a pillar of salt (proving that you didn't want to mess with G-d
    in those days 'cause if you did, you sure got some weird punishments)...

    ...And G-d blessed Abraham and Sarah with a son whom they called Isaac. And
    G-d said to Abraham, "Kill me a son." And Abe said, "No way." And G-d said,
    "Way." And Abraham's faith in G-d was complete. And he did take his son
    Isaac, who was to be the continuation of his beliefs, and did bring him up
    onto Mount Moriah, which G-d did command, and did set about to sacrifice
    him to the Lord. And Isaac said unto Abraham, his father, "Well dad, you've
    just spoken to G-d on High. What are we gonna do next?" And Abraham spake
    unto his son, Isaac, saying, "We're going to Disney Land." And when Abraham
    had bound his only son Isaac and had made ready the knife, a voice came
    down from the heavens, saying, "Have you ever had the feeling that your
    sacrifices weren't turning out quite right? Ever had a bunch of deities
    over for dinner and had them refuse your offerings? Well, that's probably
    because you're not using New and Improved Oscar-Meyer Non-Human sacrifices.
    That's right, sacrifice cows, sheep, goats and fowl instead of your sons
    and daughters. We've proven through a scientific study that the only G-d
    that actually exists prefers Oscar-Meyer Non-Human products over the old
    human variety 100 times out of 100. Here, try it now!" And lo, a ram
    wandered out of the underbrush, and Abraham did un-bind Isaac his son, and
    did sacrifice the ram in his stead...

    ...And when Sarah heard that Isaac her son, was to be sacrificed - for the
    gossip columnists had swooped down on the story like unto a flock of
    vultures - she went into shock, and didst die. And Abraham did return with
    Isaac from Mt. Moriah and was forced to bury Sarah, his wife, and set his
    eyes upon the cave of Machpelah in Hebron to be the burial site. And did
    Efron, the Hittite, who owned the cave, quoth unto Abraham, "I shall make
    unto thee an offer which thou canst not refuse, for lo, we are friends,
    riiiight?" And he did set the price at 400 clams. Quoth Abraham, "Heck,
    what's a little extortion between friends?" and he did buy the cave...

    ...And Isaac had grown long of years yet had not yet found a bride. And he
    did put an ad in the "personals" section of the Canaan Jewish week, so
    writing, (Single Jewish Male) "Intelligent, attractive, learned man seeks
    wife open to new ideas, willing to give up idolatry, mother to be
    progenitor of an entire nation." And after much time, Abraham decided that
    lo, he must send someone to find Isaac a bride, and spake unto his
    manservant, saying, "Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match, find me a
    find, catch me a catch." And lo, the servant was indeed clueless as to how
    to undertake such a thing and verily did he journey to a distant watering
    hole and did speak to the bartender, saying "Rebecca, what fore have I to
    do? I need to find for Isaac, the son of my master, Abraham, a bride. And
    how might I do that?" And Rebecca said unto him, "Take thee a double, on
    the house, and for thy camels too." And with that, he did jump up, saying,
    "Rebecca, your small act of kindness has shown me it is you who should wed
    Isaac, son of Abraham, my master," and so she did...

    ...And Isaac did know Rebecca in the biblical sense (as this was the Bible,
    after all) and she did bear him twin sons, Jacob and Esau. And Esau was the
    first born and was a hunter. And Jacob was a man of the book. And one day,
    Esau did return from hunting and was so tired as to be termed "tired" and
    did smell Jacob's soup and did say, "Jacob, wouldst thou be so kind as to
    let me partake of your soup?" And Jacob said, "I'll trade ya my soup for
    yer birthright as the firstborn." And lo, the deal was consume-ted...

    ...And Isaac was so long in years as to be, well, old, and lo, his eyes
    couldst not see too well, and he knew that he would soon pass on. And
    thinking that Esau would be the physical leader of the Jews, he called him
    in to bless him. And Rebecca knew that Esau was worthy not of being part of
    the Jewish people. And she did tell Jacob, "Tricketh thy father and wear
    animal skin so he will think you are Esau, for Esau is hairy and your
    father is blind as a bat." (Indeed, it was before the time of political
    correctness and predated such terms as "visually impaired.") And while Esau
    was out hunting, Jacob did tricketh Isaac as he did make himself feel hairy
    unto Isaac, and did receive the blessing of the firstborn. And Esau
    returned and the hoax was made apparent, and Jacob did flee for his life.
    And Esau was verily ticked off, and still hairy...

    ...And Jacob journeyed toward the house of Laban and as the day drew nigh,
    so did Jacob grow tired and was want to sleep. And Jacob put his head down
    on a rock and thought, "Ooh, this is not too comfy," and commenced to
    sleep. And dreaming a dream, Jacob dreamt, and there was a ladder that
    extended to the heavens and angels ascended and descended. And G-d spake,
    saying "Jacob, I shall be with you always, and ye shall inherit the land of
    Israel, just as I have promised your father Isaac and your father's father
    Abraham." And Jacob awoke, and was afraid and said, "I am afraid." And
    Jacob placed there stones to mark the holy place, and they stayed for many
    years and had many hit records, save the 70's which yea verily was their
    bad decade...

    ...And Jacob journeyed thither (C'mon, we had to use "thither" at least
    once.) unto Laban's house. And Jacob met Rachel, who was Laban's youngest
    daughter. And Jacob said unto Lavan, "Thy daughter Rachel is fine of figure
    and visage, and I wouldst like to wed her in holy matrimony." And Lavan
    replied unto Jacob, saying "Ye must work for me seven years, doing many
    things like chopping down a whole forest with a butter knife in a snowstorm
    wearing only sandals, darning socks, killing livestock with thy bare hands,
    knitting, and getting gas at the self-service island." Now Lavan did have
    an elder daughter, Leah, and being that she was older, Lavan did decide to
    pull a dirty trick on Jacob and put Leah under the veil in Rachel's stead.
    And Jacob was mightily pleased, NOT, and did chase after Lavan, wielding a
    very large and blunt goat, saying, "You dirty schnook!" And Jacob did work
    for seven more years and did finally marry Rachel...

    ...And Jacob did love Rachel more than Leah, her sister. And Leah bore
    Jacob four sons - Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah. And Rachel was barren,
    and did give Bilha, her maidservant, to Jacob as a concubine. And she did
    concube with Jacob and did bear two sons, Dan and Naphtali. And so Leah
    gave her maidservant, Zilpah, unto Jacob as a concubine. (At this point, we
    suggest that you set up a chart to make sense of all the names.) And Jacob
    was very happy with all the women. And Zilpah bore two sons, Gad and Asher.
    And Leah, bearing further bore Issachar and Zebulun. And Rachel prayed
    mightily unto the Lord that she might be with child, saying, "Wouldst I
    would be with child, oh Lord!" And the Lord looked favorably upon her use
    of the word "wouldst" and she became pregnant and did bear a son, Joseph.
    And Jacob and his family took this time to leave Laban, establishing for
    posterity the notion that living with one's in-laws, while cheap, is too
    annoying...

    ...And Jacob was worried that Esau still wanted to kill him. And Jacob sent
    Esau many presents and several Hallmark cards bearing poems. And Jacob did
    pray unto G-d. And an angel did descend from the heavens and did commence
    to wrestle with Jacob. And Jacob did clobber the angel, though lo, the
    angel did get in one good jab at his thigh. And the angel did change
    Jacob's name to Israel for he had striven with both human and divine beings
    and had prevailed (which is what Israel means). And dawn did come and
    Israel did meet with Esau in peace. And no one is really clear on who this
    Dawn character is...

    ...And Jacob was dwelling in the land of Canaan, in a province whose
    mayor's name was Hamor (which, as providence would have it, means donkey in
    Hebrew). Hamor's son, Shechem, did rape Jacob's daughter, Dinah and did ask
    Hamor to arrange a marriage between himself and Dinah. And so Hamor did
    approach Jacob, saying, "Have I got the perfect match for your daughter,"
    and, speaking further, "What say all of your progeny wed from the daughters
    of the land?" And Simeon and Levi agreed, as long as all the men wouldst
    circumcise themselves. And the men didst circumsize themselves and lo, due
    to the bad angle, they did horrendous jobs, and from then on it was decided
    throughout the land that circumcisions must be performed by someone other
    than the party involved. And on the third day, when the men were in more
    pain than even giving birth to an elephant while eating molten lead with
    chopsticks, Simeon and Levi killed all the males of the city, especially
    Shechem and Hamor. (Don't ask how you especially kill someone)...

    ...And Jacob and his family continued to journey homeward and Jacob stopped
    in Beth El and there did G-d speak to him, saying, "All that the angel said
    shall be true. Ye shall be called Israel and I shall protect you always, I
    am the Lord your G-d. Your descendants shall inherit this land Canaan, and
    shall call it Israel, except for the northernmost part, which shall some
    day be called Syria." And leaving Beth El, they journeyed to Bethlehem
    where Rachel died in labor. But her son, Benjamin, did not die, and he was
    the last of Jacob's 12 sons...

    ...Now of all his sons, Jacob loved Joseph the most. And Jacob made Joseph
    an amazing technicolor dreamcoat. And the brothers did become seethingly
    jealous. And Joseph did further damage his relationship with them, for lo,
    he had dreams at night, and he would tell them to his brothers. And Joseph
    dreamt that his brother's were 11 sheaves of corn, which bowed down to a
    bigger sheaf. And Joseph dreamt that the sun, the moon and 11 stars did bow
    down to him and these too were his family. And it did not take Freud and
    Jung to interpret the dreams, which was fortunate as they would not be born
    for thousands of years...

    ...And although the dreams represented truth, this did not deter his
    brothers from despising him and hiding his yo-yo and putting ants down his
    loincloth. And lo, their jealousy became greater and when they were out in
    the field, the brothers did throw Joseph in a pit, where he would languish
    until death. And Joseph did shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up!" but
    there was no-one to release him. But lo, there passed a wandering band of
    Ishmaelites, and the brothers retrieved him from the pit and sold Joseph to
    them to be their drummer, for they were not really a good band and did not
    realize that percussion was not Joseph's strong point. And the brothers did
    tear Joseph's coat asunder and did taint it with goat's blood, and did
    bring it unto Jacob saying, "Look what has become of our grumble mumble
    brother Joseph." And Jacob did reply, "Ugh," and did faint...

    ...And Judah did seg into a subplot and marry the daughter of Shua, a
    Canaanite. And Judah had 3 sons, Er, Um and Ahem. And Um and Ahem were
    nicknamed Onan and Shelah, for when Judah spoke to them, it was as if he
    were merely clearing his throat. And Er married Tamar, a woman. He died.
    And Judah said unto Um (Onan) "Go forth and marry Tamar for she should not
    be a widow nor should she be childless." And Onan said unto Judah, his
    father, "Grumble brumble," and did make plans for the wedding. But Onan
    refused to impregnate Tamar and G-d's anger was great against Onan and he
    did smite Onan unto death for it was not right to waste human seed. And
    Judah said unto Tamar, "Thou knowest what they say, third times the charm,"
    and Tamar did consent to wait for Shelah to grow unto manhood and by and
    by, Judah's wife did die, and Shelah did grow into manhood. And Judah did
    not give him unto Tamar for a husband, fearing that she was a jinx. And G-d
    did come unto Tamar in a prophesy, saying, "The Messiah shall come from you
    and a member of the house of Judah" (Midrash). And Tamar did take matters
    into her own hands. And she did don stiletto heals and a leather skirt and
    much mascara and fishnets, and she did stand at a well-travelled fork in
    the road. And Judah did come upon the fork in the road and, not recognizing
    the woman as his daughter-in-law, did cohabit with Tamar. And Judah gave
    Tamar his seal, his chord, and his staff as collateral until he could
    return and pay her. And in 3 months time, the widow Tamar was found to be
    the size of a small Chevrolet, for she was indeed pregnant. And Judah said,
    "She is a depraved sinner, and should receive the most severe punishment;
    Let her watch old Howard Cossell footage until she is nigh unto death and
    then let her watch some more." And Tamar said, "The man who owns this seal
    cord and staff is the father." And Judah realized that he had impregnated
    his own daughter-in-law, absolved her, and tooketh the blame on himself...

    ...Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the Ishmaelites had taken Joseph unto
    Egypt and had traded him unto Potiphar. And Potiphar's wife did draw nigh
    unto Joseph, and did drop her hanky, saying, "Oh my, I have dropped my
    hanky. Whatever shall I do?" and did make goo goo eyes at Joseph. And
    Joseph's visage did commence to turn crimson and he did flee and Potiphar's
    wife was frustrated and embarrassed, and spread rumors that it was Joseph
    who was coming on to her. And Potiphar did throw Joseph in jail. And Joseph
    did meet the baker and the butler of the Pharoah both. And the butler did
    dream and did tell Joseph his dream, saying that he had seen himself giving
    of wine to Pharaoh. And Joseph predicted that he would - get this - wait on
    Pharaoh again. And the baker described a basket of bread perched on his
    head, being eaten by swooping birds. And Joseph suggested that he smoke one
    last cigarette and call a priest. And lo, Joseph's interpretations were
    correct, and as the butler was leaving for his return to palace, Joseph
    bade the butler make mention of his case unto Pharaoh. But lo, the butler
    didst forget Joseph entirely, sending not so much as a greeting card around
    the holidays...

    ...And Pharoah had two dreams and no one to interpret them. Suffice it to
    say that there were seven skinny cows eating seven fat cows - and staying
    skinny like unto the Slimfast diet plan, and seven decrepit ears of corn
    eating seven lovely ones and also staying









    Comments




    What's a genius?

    An average student with a Jewish mother.




    Comments

    Gentile Jokes



    A Gentile goes into a clothing store and says: "This is a very fine jacket.

    How much is it?"

    The salesman says: "It's $500."

    The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."



    A man calls his mother and says, "Mother, I know you 're expecting me for
    dinner this evening, but something important has come up and I can't make it."

    His mother says: "OK."




    Two Gentiles meet on the street.

    The first one says, "You own your
    own business, don't you? How's it doing?"

    The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks for asking."










    Comments

    Gifts for Momma


    Three sons of a Yiddishe Momma left their homeland, went abroad
    and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give
    their old mother.

    Avraham, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

    Moishe, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

    David, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys
    reading the Bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a
    remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. Momma just has to
    name the chapter and verse."

    Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

    "Avraham", she said, "the house you built is so huge. I live only
    in one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

    "Moishe", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
    time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has
    shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas."

    "But David", she said, "the chicken was DELICIOUS!"










    Comments

    JCN's Top 12 Rudolph Giuliani gestures to please Jewish voters



    Inducts NYPD policemen on Mount Massada

    Changes name to Rudy Golan

    Recognizes Likud as the legitimate representative of the Israeli
    people

    Suspends alternate side of the street parking for Tu Bishvat

    Promises job of schools chancellor to Shas, the ultra-Orthodox
    Israeli party

    Renames Washington Square to Baruch Goldstein Square (corner of
    Waverly and Kahane)

    Poses nude for Tikkun magazine

    Dips the Big Apple in honey in Times Square on New Year's Eve

    Institutes mandatory moment of kvetching in Public Schools

    Changes name of city to Nu York

    Bans Wagner from Lincoln Center concerts

    Refuses to shake wife's hand because she's married to a gentile



    The JCN Top 12 List is a regular feature of the Jewish Communication
    Network, http://www.jcn18.com. Circulating this list without attribution and
    our URL deprives your friends of the chance to sample our humor for themselves.











    Comments

    G'lilah



    True story: Yesterday in shul a young mother volunterred for g'lilah.

    When it was time, they called for the gollelet to come forward. Embarassed,
    she responded from her seat on the floor,"Sorry, I've got a sleeping baby on
    my lap. . . Could someone else possibly do the honor?"

    To which someone else in the congregation called out, "Do we have a spare
    tire [tie-er] here?!"


    Comments

    Grandpa's Pretzels


    We were at the mall the other day, and grandma wanted
    a pretzel.

    But grandpa was outraged at the price. "When I was a
    young, we could get two pretzels for a nickel!"

    Grandma told him, "When YOU were young, they hadn't
    invented pretzels yet! You must be thinking of matzoh."


    Comments

    Go Figure


    A young man asks the rabbi about who is truly a wise man.

    The rabbi says:
    "Any dummy can be right 50% of the time. A wise man is right
    60% of the time. Rabbi Rosenberg from Bialystok was right 75%
    of the time. However, if someone is right 90% of the time,
    it is very suspicious, and if someone is right 100% of the
    time, he must be a bad, violent criminal man, and you should
    avoid him like a plague".











    Comments

    Golda Meir's Troubles


    When Golda Meir visited President Nixon, he asked how things were.

    "I have many problems," she replied.

    Nixon said, "Why? You are the President of 8 million, while I am the
    President of 180 million."

    To which she replied,
    "You are the President of 180 million people, while I am the President
    of 8 million Presidents."










    Comments

    Golf Club



    Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off. So he
    orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club
    with his new Cadillac. But unfortunately a sign at the door
    unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access. So the
    driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!

    Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."

    His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you
    out immediately!"

    Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish." And he
    leaves for the gate.

    So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours...
    Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by
    two body-builder type guardsmen.

    The driver asks: "What happened?"

    Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number
    eight! Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I
    shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters
    separated and everybody knew..."











    Comments

    For Whom the Bell Tolls


    About a century ago, in a small European rural town there was a chapel
    with wonderful sounding chimes. These very chimes had called parishoners
    to service for many, many years. One wintery night there was a heavy
    lightening storm; and, as luck would have it a bolt of lightening struck
    the bells.

    The next morning the monks saw a large crack in one of the bells. They
    could not afford a new bell but one of the priests said that he knew of
    a smith in a nearbye town. The only problem was that the smith was
    Jewish, but he had a good reputation for his work. They decided to let
    the Jewish smith repair their bell. They lowered the bell into the cart
    and had the ox pull the cart to the town. They introduced themselves
    and identified the problem.

    The Jewish bell maker said, "Nooo Problem!" Come back in a week and I
    shall have your bell looking like new. A week had passed, the priests
    returned and were shown their bell. It was beautiful! It looked as
    good as new. The priests paid the man, put the bell back onto the cart,
    took it to the church and with some help they hoisted the bell to the top
    of the tower. It now joined the other bell that was still there.

    The priests waited until Sunday to ring the repaired bell. Early in
    the morning, it was time to summon the parishoners to prayers so one of
    the priest took up the rope to the bells and began ringing the bells.
    It was a beautiful morning and slightly cool in the air and throughout
    the country side rang the beautiful sound of the bells ...
    Goyemmmmmmmm, Goyemmmmmm, Goyemmmmm.









    Comments

    Goyshe Kopp


    After forty years of pious observance, the old man had had it. He told his
    wife, "Im tired of getting up early every morning to put on tefillin and say
    the same prayers. Im not going to do it any more. Im going to turn
    Catholic."

    True to his word, he contacted a priest and began taking instruction in the
    Catholic faith. After several months, he did indeed become a Catholic.

    Next morning, as he always did, he got up early and automatically began to
    put on his tefillin. "What are you doing?" asked his wife. "I thought you
    turned Catholic so you wouldnt have to do that any more."

    "Oy!" cried the old fellow, smacking himself in the head, "goyshe kopp!"










    Comments

    G-d Sues Studio Over Movie Adaptation
    By Tim
    Casady


    June 23, 1999. G-d has announced a lawsuit against Diznee Studios.
    The lawsuit concerns the movie adaptation of Mr. G-d's seminal work,
    "The Holy Bible." Until the case goes to trial, G-d seeks a court
    injunction barring the movie from being released.

    Samuel Dallas, a lawyer representing Mr. G-d said, "My client's
    creative control over the work has been blatantly disregarded. My
    client's wishes were that 'not one word may be changed' in the
    adaptation from book to movie format."

    Sandra Cummings, a spokesperson for Diznee Studios, defends Diznee's
    adaptation. "The original manuscript had gratuitous sex scenes that
    were unsuitable for family viewing. Diznee Studios makes movies for the
    whole family. It is our standard practice therefore to edit out any sex
    scenes from our screenplays."

    Mr. Dallas charges, "This is censorship, pure and simple! My client's
    manuscript has been mangled at the hands of this studio." But Ms.
    Cummings replies, "Mr. G-d fails to understand the nature of our
    business. Our right to revise the screen play as necessary was clearly
    spelled out in our contract."

    Michael Meckels, a movie critic who saw an advanced preview, offered
    this insight. "Right from the movie's opening scenes, you know
    something is wrong. Consider the original book. Adam and Eve started
    off naked, then they started playing with fruit, and suddenly they had
    to go have sex. Classic risqu humor. But look at the movie. Adam and
    Eve are never naked. They eat rye bagels rather than kinky fruit. They
    never have sex. They get their children Cain and Abel from an
    orphanage."

    George Williams, another movie critic, offers a different perspective.
    "A must-see movie! I applaud the changes that Diznee made to the
    script. In the original book, King Solomon had a bunch of women who
    lived in his immoral harem. Filthy. But in the new, improved
    screenplay, King Solomon is a wise bachelor who doesn't sleep around.
    We need more 'family values' movies like this one!"

    Walt Wilks, defense attorney for Diznee says, "Mr. G-d's lawsuit is
    baseless. The judge will throw this case out of court." Asked why he
    is so confident against a plaintiff as influential as G-d, Wilks
    smiles calmly. "If we believe His claims, He is omniscient. Thus, He
    knew from the beginning of time how Diznee would handle the screenplay.
    The fact that He decided to go with Diznee anyway signifies that He
    endorsed Diznee's handling."

    G-d could not be reached for comment.










    Comments

    Guidance From Above

    A man prays for guidance:
    "Oh G-d -- What should I do with my life?
    What do you expect of me?
    What will happen to me after I die?
    What is the meaning of life?"

    For a while, Creation is silent.
    Then a booming voice, sounding severely impatient,
    shouts from heaven: "READ -- THE -- F A Q !"










    Comments

    Bush's Burning Question

    George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white
    robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a
    staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

    George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

    George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked
    again, "Aren't you Moses?"

    The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

    George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you
    Moses?"

    The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

    George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, "The last
    time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."












    Comments

    Henry Ford's Compromise


    It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh
    Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry
    Ford.

    "Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, "we have a
    remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry. "
    Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept
    his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
    After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to
    enter a black Edsel that was parked in front of the building.

    Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please
    step inside Mr. Ford."

    "What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees
    in that car!"

    "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push
    the white button."

    Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air
    started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the
    automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
    "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"

    Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And
    there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air
    Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."

    "Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a 'Jew-name'
    next to my logo on my cars!"

    They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and
    one half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
    However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever
    emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.

    And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle you will see those
    three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: HI --
    NORM -- MAX.


    -------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Drasha, Copyright (c) 1997 by Rabbi M. Kamenetzky and Project Genesis, Inc.
    Rabbi Mordechai Kamenetzky is the Rosh Mesivta at Mesivta Ateres Yaakov,
    the High School Division of Yeshiva of South Shore.

    This list is part of Project Genesis, the Jewish Learning Network.
    Permission is granted to redistribute electronically or on paper,
    provided that this notice is included intact.

    For information on subscriptions, archives, and other Project Genesis
    classes, send mail to learn@torah.org for an automated reply. For
    subscription assistance, send mail to gabbai@torah.org
    -------------------------------------------------------------------------









    Comments

    Hadassah in the Afterlife



    A tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were speedily
    dispatched to heaven. On their arival one of the admitting angels wouldn't let
    them in. He told them that the admitting computers were down so they would
    just have to wait.

    At that moment G-D intervened and said that he would speak to Satan to see if
    they could be temporarily housed in his domain until they could correct the
    computer error. Sure enough room was found and they all went down to their new
    temporary quarters.

    A few hours later G-d receives an urgent telephone call from Satan who tells
    him that he must take the Hadassah woman off his hands. "What's the problem?"
    G-d asks.

    Satan replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been down
    here only a few hours and already they have raised $100,000 for a new air
    conditioning system."


    Comments

    Haikus for Jews

    from Haikus
    for Jews by David Bader



    Jewish triathlon --
    gin rummy, then contract bridge,
    followed by a nap.


    The frost-withered fields
    flecked with white chrysanthemums --
    Bubbeleh, your scarf.


    Shatner and Nimoy
    observing Shabbos -- "Scotty,
    beam up a minyan."


    Shedding its wet skin,
    the spritzing seltzer bubble
    becomes a Buddha.


    SJF seeking
    eternal soul mate -- must be
    a professional.


    Like a bonsai tree,
    your terrible posture at
    my dinner table.


    Lonely mantra of
    the Buddhist monk -- "They never
    call, they never write."


    Sorry I'm not home
    to take your call. At the tone
    please state your bad news.


    In the ice sculpture
    reflected bar mitzvah guests
    nosh on chopped liver.


    The sparkling blue sea
    beckons me to wait one hour
    after my sandwich.


    Cherry blossoms bloom.
    Sure, it's beautiful, but is
    it good for the Jews?


    Is one Nobel Prize
    so much to ask from a child
    after all I've done?


    Monarch butterfly,
    I know your name used to be
    Caterpillarstein.


    Five thousand years a
    wandering people -- then we
    found the cabanas.











    Comments

    Half Jewish


    My Jewish brother married a Catholic wife. They have two daughters, with
    a son on the way.

    The wife has been taking the daughters to Church every Sunday. One Sunday,
    during high mass, the older daughter (age 5) whispers in her mother's ear,
    "Can we go home now?"

    "Not yet", replies her mother, "the mass is only half over."

    "We can go now, Mommy. I'm half-Jewish."











    Comments

    The Mideast Solution



    There is a solution to the mideast terrorism problem.
    Somebody has to convince Hamas that the only way to have an
    effective suicide bombing is with the full participation
    of the membership.











    Comments

    Hard Times


    During the Depression years of the 30's, when unemployment
    zoomed out-of-control, the French Premier decided to give
    all workers an extra day off to solve the problem, so Monday
    was included in the week-end.

    The French said: "This is great!
    First Moses gave us Saturday.
    Then Jesus gave us Sunday.
    The Premier has given us Monday.
    All we need is four more Jews."




    Comments

    Hassid in Birmingham


    A Hassidic Jew from New York decides to try his luck in Birmingham,
    Alabama. When he gets off the bus in Birmingham he notices that
    all the kids are staring at him.


    Not being used to being stared at,
    he find this a bit unnerving so he turns to the kids and says,
    "Watsa mattah? You nevah saw a Yhankee before?"











    Comments

    Wedding Announcement
    as told by Joseph Telushkin in Jewish Humor




    When the nineteenth century Hasidic rebbe Levi Yizchak of Berditchev
    sent out invitations to his son's wedding, he wrote that it would
    take place in Jerusalem on such-and-such a date and time, but
    "if, G-d forbid, the Messiah has not yet arrived, then the wedding
    will be held on the same date and time here in Berditchev."


    Comments

    Hawaii or Havaii


    A Jewish man and his wife were planning a vacation. They ended up in
    an argument, though...

    "It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you!" she said.

    "Oy! I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's
    pronounced!" he replied. And so it went all the way to the vacation...

    As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. The husband
    abruptly stopped the wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that
    we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and I.
    Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

    "This is Havaii," the man replied.

    "Ha!" the husband said, turning to his wife, "See, didn't I tell you
    never to argue with me? I'm always right!" As the began to walk
    away, he turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

    "You're Velcome!!!"










    Comments




    Q: Why must a hazan (singer of a synagogue) be married?

    A: So that his cries are authentic.










    Comments

    Phone Call for the Rabbi


    A congregant calls his synagogue office, the receptionist answers the
    phone, and he says "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"

    She says "I am sorry but the Rabbi no longer works at this synagogue!"

    He says, "Oh! I am sorry, I didn't know" and hangs up.

    Next day he calls again, "Can I talk to the Rabbi?"

    The receptionist tells him "Didn't I speak with you yesterday, the Rabbi
    no longer works at this synagogue".

    He again says "oh, ok" and hangs up.

    This goes on for another week and he calls again and asks to speak with
    the Rabbi. She Responds "Look didn't I tell you yesterday and the day
    before, the Rabbi no longer works here, what part of it don't you
    understand?"

    He says "I know, I just like hearing it"...











    Comments

    Heavenly Memo


    Memo to HaShem
    From Gabriel HaMalach


    On behalf of the Senior Management Group (SMG) and all the angels
    in head office, I am pleased to be reporting once again on our Rosh
    Hashanah preparations as well as to provide you with our annual world
    reports as per the SMG's performance contract.

    Let me assure you that all preparations have been completed as
    per your directions. The tshuvah committee in the Chosen People division
    have been working quite hard to make this our best Rosh Hashanah ever.
    Numerous improvements have been made since last year. All individual
    appointments with you have been scheduled, including both your human and
    heavenly subjects. Please do your best to keep to the schedule. To
    better assist you, all personal files have been opened, and 5759
    forecasts have been drafted for all of your human subjects, although they
    may be revised at your discretion, should penitents achieve the
    appropriate tshuvah thresholds (see tshuvah manual, policy 0202-04). Two
    tanker trucks full of Din and Rachmonis are ready for your use as you see
    fit. The Book of Judgment's software has been upgraded and Avraham
    Avinu (#114) has been able to install considerable more RAM. We are ready
    to assist as you require, subject to the work breaks stipulated in our
    Collective Agreement. We have again hired Leviathan Caterers for your
    annual sponsored kiddush. Naturally, they are under your Kashrut
    supervision.

    Turning to the state of the world: as you know (of course), things
    were extremely challenging and busy for us this past year. I wish to
    stress that as a bureaucracy, we were in no way, shape or form,
    responsible for the following items this past year: the collapse of the
    Russian ruble and banking system; world-wide stock market meltdowns;
    delays in the Middle East peace process; the Lewinsky/Clinton/Starr
    episode; the movie "Spiceworld"; the return of bell-bottoms and the
    Volkswagen Beetle; the entire Swiss Bank scandal; the Quebec secession
    debate; the falling Canadian dollar; the Asian economic failure; America
    OnLine; the Y2K Bug; Cuba; Iraq; North Korea; Bosnia; or Libya. These
    are, of course, the sole jurisdiction of Chaos

    Incorporated, our offshore competitor. As for the functioning of
    your faithful bureaucracy, I am pleased to report that all divisions are functioning at full capacity. Briefly, your Chosen People division
    reports a record number of simchot and conversions, but regrets that
    intermarriage is also way up. A special task force has been struck to
    investigate.

    The mitzvah department reports substantial growth in activity,
    while unfortunately, the Aveiros department also reports substantial
    growth. The Moshiach preparation department is extremely pleased to
    report that after considerable effort, Oreos went kosher this year. As
    in every other year, Operation Moshiach is ready, awaiting your approval
    and fiscal resourcing. Malach Resources division reports that a strike of
    the Angels' union was narrowly averted due to successful re-negotiation
    of the collective agreement.

    As a result, angels (levels 1-3) will receive shorter work weeks
    and 10 more minutes in Olam Habah, plus three weeks vacation, not to be
    taken during yamim tovim. Of particular note is the early retirement of
    the Tooth Fairy. You will recall she filed for long term disability
    benefits due to wear and tear, which she attributes to the inflationary
    pressure of payments and the conversion of many currencies from paper to
    coins. We will be recruiting for her replacement shortly. The business
    and accounting division reports a balanced budget, yet again, through the introduction of initiation and building fund fees for our newest members.
    This was necessary to offset the Tooth Fairy claim and increased payments
    for children's teeth.

    In closing, overall, it was a very busy and challenging year. We
    seek your forgiveness for our errors not due to lack of training or
    proper supervision, and look forward to the coming year in serving you
    with professionalism and ceaseless devotion. Amen. Selah.










    Comments

    Hebrew Bugs



    Two bees buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your
    summer?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," sez bee two. "Lotta
    rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."

    The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner
    and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers
    and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.

    An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar
    mitzvah?" asks the info-bee. "Great!" sez buddy-bee.

    The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your
    head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I
    was a wasp."









    Comments

    Jewish English or "Hebonics

    The Encino School Board has declared Jewish English a second language.
    Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to
    recognize Hebonics as the language of many of America's Jews. Here are
    some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples
    of phrases in standard English and Jewish English.

    Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics:

    Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words.
    Thus, "hand" becomes "handt."

    The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking"
    becomes "valking"

    "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually
    impossible to spell in English. It's "ghraining" "algheady"


    Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics:

    Questions are always answered with questions:
    e.g. Question: "How do you feel?"
    Hebonics response: "How should I feel?"

    The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun
    has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."

    The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used
    for emphasis" mountains becomes "shmountains", turtle becomes
    "shmurtle"

    Sample Usage Comparisons:

    Standard English Phrase Hebonics Phrase
    "He walks slow" "Like a fly in the ointment he
    walks"
    "You're sexy" (unknown concept)
    "Sorry, i do not know the time" "What do I look like, a clock?"
    "I hope things turn out for the best" "You should BE so lucky"
    "Anything can happen" "It's never so bad, it can get
    worse"

    Comments


    Israeli Archaeological Discovery


    A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came
    upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following
    symbols in order of appearance.

    1. A dog
    2. A donkey
    3. A shovel
    4. A fish
    5. A Star of David

    They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
    Least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
    of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
    all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.

    They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
    they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

    The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first
    drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a
    highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for
    companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol
    resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help
    them till the soil.

    The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
    even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
    intelligence is the fish which means that that they had a famine
    that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to
    the sea for food.

    The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were
    evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically and the
    President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full
    agreement with our interpretations."

    Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
    said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is
    quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from
    left to right, but from right to left......

    Now, look again..... It now says :

    "HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE A** ON THAT BITCH!"











    Comments

    It's All In the Bible


    Q. Where is an American automobile mentioned in the Bible?
    A. Num. 31:1 - vayishb mimmenu Chevy.

    Q. Where is a flat tire mentioned in the Bible?
    A. Ps. 146:7 - tetze' rucho yashuv le-'admato

    Q. Where is the State Lottery mentioned in the Bible?
    A. Ps. 91:7-8 - Yippol mitzidkha 'elef urevavah miyminekha,
    'elekha lo yiggash.
    Raq be-'eynekha tabbit veshilummat resha'im tir'eh.










    Comments

    The Hebrew Geek Code
    Version 2.1
    by Robert Kaiser


    Amaze your friends and family! Communicate volumes of information
    about yourself with just a few letters! Give information to those
    in the know, without anyone else being able to understand! All
    this and more is possible when you use this list to create your own
    Hebrew Geek Code (HGC), which you then put in your .sig file.

    Have fun. Permission is granted to spread this everywhere, as
    long as credit is given.



    Example Hebrew Geek Code:

    S+++ K++ TM M H+ T t SY+= & SY+++ M AT++ Te+/Te++ SC

    -------------------------------------------------------
    Qualifiers: A&B Means A and B
    A/B Means ranging from A to B
    -------------------------------------------------------



    Shabbat Observance
    S--- I stone people walking to shul on Shabbat
    S-- Of course. Every Sunday!
    S- Not at all, or, "Shabbat - What's that?"
    S Reform
    S+ Conservative, will drive to shul
    S++ Traditional, Orthodox
    S+++ I stone cars on Shabbat


    Family Fa-- Intermarried - I sure do love Xmas!
    Fa- Intermarried - but the children will
    be raised Jewish
    Fa.n/a Not applicable. I'm homosexual.
    Fa.gm I'm gay AND I'm married.
    Fa1 Not married - Single
    Fa+ I married a Jew.
    Fa++ I married more than two wives
    at once. [Only applicable for
    Yemenite Jews. Sorry :) ]

    ,c=# Where # represents the number of
    children you have. Default = 0.

    Examples: Fa1 Fa+ Fa+,c=1 Fa++,c=5


    Tohorot Mishpacha TM-- I married a non-Jew, so this doesn't
    (Family Purity) apply
    TM- I'm a pagan
    TM I'm mostly following the rules
    TM+ Orthodox
    TM++ My wife and I have separate houses


    Moshiach M-- He's already come. Haven't you heard the
    Good Word?
    M- Don't believe in it.
    M Could be
    M+ I believe with perfect faith...
    M++ We want Moshiach now!
    M+++ Watching the Rebbe's grave.
    M++++ I am Moshiach



    Kashrut K-- I only eat at McDonald's.
    Also: What's kashrut?
    K- Jewish in identity, not in practice.
    Likely to eat ham and cheese, but
    will say a bracha afterwards
    K Very liberal kosher. Won't eat any Torah
    forbiden species, won't mix milk and
    meat. Will eat eat meat of a permitted
    animal, even it not proeprly slaughtered.
    K+ Conservative. Kashrut fully observed.
    Two sets of dishes, etc. Add appropriate
    strictures as necessary. If no codes are
    added, lenient options are default for K+
    K++ Orthodox kashrut. Same as Conservative,
    but unless codes are added, the stricter
    options are assumed for k++

    K+++ Satmar or Meshugge kosher.

    ch+ Will only eat Kosher cheese.
    ch Will eat cheese without a hechsher.
    me+ Will only eat Glatt meat.
    me Glatt not necessary.
    mi+ Will only drink Chalav Yisrael milk.
    mi Will drink regular milk.
    ge+ Won't eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
    unless with an Orthodox hechsher.
    ge Will eat gelatin, diglycerides, etc.
    Considered pareve.
    wi+ Will only drink kosher wine.
    wi Will drink without a hechsher.

    Examples: K+ K++ K++,mi k+,ch+



    Hebrew Language H- Is 'Jewish' a language?
    H I went to Hebrew school. Shalom!
    H+ I even took it in college.
    H++ I'm not made fun of too badly by Israelis.
    H+++ Ani midaberet Ivrit tov Me'od, nu?

    Substitute Yid for H to denote Yiddish familiarity.
    Substitue Lad for H to denote Ladino familiarity.


    Talmud Knowledge T--- I burn them whenever I get the chance.
    (Note: This category is especially useful for
    apostates like Torquemada.)
    T-- I'm a Karaite
    T- Is that like Torah?
    T Studied in Hebrew school
    T+ Studied in college, competent to argue.
    T++ Talmud Chochem
    T+++ Adin Steinsaltz's chevruta.


    Tribe: t Israel
    t+ Levi
    t++ Cohen
    t+++ Next in line to be the Cohen Gadol
    t? Not sure (be real - this is most of us!)


    How often do I AT-- Religion is for dweebs!
    Attend shul? AT- Only for other people's weddings.
    AT Regularly! Every Rosh Hashanah and Yom
    Kippur, and I also had a Bar/Bat Mitzvah!
    AT+ High holidays, Shalosh Regalim (Three
    festivals), and occasional shabbats.
    AT++ I go on Shabbat.
    AT+++ And I lay Tefillin on weekdays
    AT++++ The Rabbi wants to institute a
    restraining order to keep me away!

    What type of SY-- Jesus loves me, yes he does...
    synagogue do SY- Allah'hu Akbar!
    I go to? -SY I don't go to shul
    SY0 Reconstructionist
    SY Reform
    SY+ Conservative (whatever that means)
    SY+= Conservative egalitarian
    SYCh Chavura
    SY++ UTJ/Traditional/Right wing Conservative
    SY+++ Orthodox
    SY+++M Modern Orthodox
    SY+++Y Yeshiva Litvak Right wing
    SY+++C Chassidic


    You can add the appropriate Nusach code shown below. If you go to
    a shul that is different that your background, then just add a
    comma after the shul type, and then add the background code. If
    you don't put a code after the shul type, the default is Ashkenazi.
    Nusach (What type of Jew am I? )

    A Ashkenazi
    Az Nusach HaAri
    (This is a Ashkenazi Chassidic nusach, which is really a
    Sephardi nusach as modifed by Rav Shneur Zalman.)
    SE Sephardic (European)
    S Sephardic (North African, Middle East)
    SY Sephardic (Yementite)
    ET Beta Yisrael (Ethiopian)
    SI B'nai Yisrael (India)

    Examples: SY+ SY+/A SY+/A,SE SY+,SE



    Tefillin Te- What's that? Is it good to eat?
    Te I don't wear animal products, dude.
    Te+ Sure, sometimes. Irregularly.
    Te++ Every day, or almost every day.
    I'm a mensch! :)
    Te+++ The doctors say if I don't taken them
    off soon, they'll have to amputate.
    Te.n/a Not applicable, I'm a woman.
    Te!a Of COURSE Teffilin is applicable for
    women! Rashi's daughters wore them!
    (For this, add appropriate + or - )

    Shabbat Candles SC- I don't use matches. Only you can
    prevent forest fires.
    SC Been there, done that.
    SC+ Every Shabbat.
    SC:( I blow them out afterwards so that they
    will last longer.
    SC++ I have been arrested for arson.
    SC+++ I have been convicted for arson.
    Add a 'W' for "My wife does that"
    Example: SCW+, SCW ...


    Festival Observance:
    FO--- Christmas Tree and Easter Eggs
    FO-- Chanukka Bush and Passover Candy Basket
    FO- Secular home
    FO Somewhat Traditional - add the following
    qualifiers as required:
    s Go to a seder
    m Light the menorah.
    p Make noise and drink on Purim.
    t Dance on Simchat Torah
    su Eat in a Sukka on Sukkot.
    sL Can LEAD a Seder :)
    co Count the Omer
    hh Go to High Holiday services.

    FO+ Full Observance - Reform
    FO++ Full Observance - Conservative
    and Traditional/Non-egalitarian
    FO++= Same as above, but egalitarian.
    FO+++ Strict Orthodox observance
    FO+++:( Celebrate all festivals but Israel Independence
    Day, since Moshiach is not yet here.

    Davening (praying) ability
    D-- I daven Gospel.
    D- What's davening?
    D I know when to stand, sit and bow.
    D+ I also know the Sh'ma and Kaddish by heart,
    and can somehow make it through most of the rest.
    D++ I can lead services
    D+++ I can also read Torah, Haftarah and Megillot
    D++++ and they'll invite me back a second time


    Pesach (Passover)
    P--- Happy Easter!
    P-- Mohammed says to celebrate Moses's birthday !
    P- I refrain from bacon double cheeseburgers on Pesach.
    No bread at all! My parents are sooo proud!
    P Yeah, I think I follow most of the rules. Mostly.
    PC Everything except for the part about "Pour out
    thy wrath"
    P+ Even the pet eats tuna and matzah-brei for a week
    P++ I start cleaning right after Hanukkah !
    P+++ Blowtorch the kitchen, buy new dishes every Spring
    P++++ Blowtorch the house, move every Spring (This ties in
    with that arson category of Shabbos candles).

    Tzedakah
    Tz- I'm a professional shnorrer. Got a dollar?
    Tz I give a few bucks - but not if it hurts! :(
    Tz+ I actually notice when I give.
    Tz++ Repeat donor to UJA, JNF, UW, or SPCA, anything
    but the PLO.
    Tz+++ Give till it hurts. A mensch. :)
    Tz++++ I'm a Rothschild



    Egalitarianism Factor
    E-- Don't touch that with your bare hands, it's a female!
    E- uh...if a man heard a woman's voice, he'd be so overcome
    with lustful thoughts he wouldn't be able to concentrate
    on his prayers...
    E OK, OK, LET them wear tefillin and have women's prayer
    groups, just keep them behind the mechitza! But they
    don't count in a minyan.
    E+ Women (who REALLY have taken on the obligations of tefila
    Tallit and Tefillin) can read Torah and count in minyans.
    E++ Any women (even without taking on the obligations) can
    count in a minyan.
    E+++ I only like women rabbis/ I AM a woman Rabbi /
    I married a woman Rabbi.
    E++++ I'm an ultraliberal lesbian Reconstructionist Rabbi.



    Lashon Hora Factor
    L----- I am Ricki Lake; Lashon Hora is my job.
    L---- I am a talk show host.
    L--- I have appeared on a talk show and acted like
    a true weenie in front of millions of people.
    L-- I write for check-out counter tabloids.
    L- I never speak Lashon Hora, but I'll tell you
    someone who does!
    L If you don't have something nice to say, than
    don't say it.
    L+ I can recite parts of Rabbi Pliskin's "Guard
    Your tounge". A true mensch.
    L++ The Chofetz Chaim is my inspiration. I have his
    books, his commentaries, and the new interactive
    CD-ROM.
    L+++ I even refrained from criticising Intel's Pentium
    debacle. A tzaddik.
    (Note: People who choose this last option are
    high on morals, but possibly low on modesty)




    E-mail me additions that you think would be good
    to kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu.
    They might end up in the next version.



    By Robert D. Kaiser (kaiser@pofvax.pnb.sunysb.edu)
    with contributions from

    Michael Turniansky (mt0013@epfl2.epflbalto.org)

    Jonathan and Woody Anna Dresner (dresner@ccy.yamaguchi-u.ac.jp)

    Wendy Morrison (HMTRAD@aol.com)

    Yatzliakh Yisrael Abrahami (Yatz@intxtdoc.demon.co.uk)

    Aaron Gross (aaron.g@ix.netcom.com)










    Comments

    Hebrew Phraseology???
    by Alan Stillson


    What would happen if one letter were changed in a loosely transliterated
    Hebrew phrase? How would it change the meaning?

    Slalom aleichem - greetings, all you Jewish skiers.

    Am yisrael chat - the nation of Israel is engaged in conversation.

    Char gadya - we'll have barbecued goat for Passover dinner.

    Maoz tzar - the president of Russia will light candles this Chanukah.

    Davis melech yisrael - the new king of Israel is thinking about
    reestablishing the Jewish state in Oakland, CA.

    Bum gali gali - the farmers are now too lazy to work.

    Shea yisrael - the Mets are planning their first exhibition game in
    Israel.

    Java nagila - they're dancing the hora at the coffeehouse.

    Lo yissa goo - I thank G-d for not being born a blob.

    Pa nishtana - the kids are too young to ask the four questions, so Dad
    has to do it.

    Tee chamocha - what golfer is like unto Tiger Woods?

    LA tovu - how goodly are the tents of Los Angeles?

    Shalom rag - peace to all our congregation members in the garment
    business.

    Key mitzion - the torah has been locked up.

    Ham tzfardaya - Pharaoh wished he had a French chef.

    Boray prez hagafen - let's toast the chief executive.

    Al naharot bagel - we'll see if Babylonian cream cheese and lox is good.

    Yerushalayim shed zahav - it's the most expensive storage container in
    Jerusalem.

    Nes gadol Maya sham - there was another great miracle in ancient Central
    America.

    Hamotzi lechem fin haaretz - a blessing for a tuna sandwich.

    Chanukah lattes - strong coffee to go with strong potato pancakes.

    Car mitzvah - if only the legal driving age were 13.

    Chug gadol hayehudim - drink your beer fast while reading the Megillah.

    Simchat torch - the Israeli Olympics will start after the high holidays.

    Vianachnu … modem - we'll download the words to "Aleinu L'shabeach."











    Comments

    Hebrew School Musical Celebration



    The local Hebrew School decided to observe Israel's 50th anniversary with
    a special ecumenical celebration, and invited everyone in the
    neighborhood, of whatever background, to participate in any way they
    thought appropriate, or to just come and observe, and have some
    home-baked cookies washed down with grape juice or heavy super-sweet
    wine.

    There were speeches, dramatizations, and miscellaneous musical
    performances. At one point Mrs. Goldberg, in the third row, wiped away a
    tear as her little Miriam scratched out a hesitant rendition of
    "Hatikvah" on a shiny new violin. Mrs. Goldberg noticed that a man
    seated next to her also had tears running down his face. "Isn't it
    wonderful", she said to him, "to know that our heritage will be carried
    on by the next generation!"

    "I suppose so," he said, "but I'm not Jewish."

    "So why the tears?"

    "I'm a musician."










    Comments


    Henny Youngman
    1906-1998



    A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made
    chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

    A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I
    park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?"
    "They didn't ask!"

    Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

    Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

    Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

    I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He
    said "Yes", and walked away.

    A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
    The man says, "I make a good living."




    Comments




    IN THE BEGINNING, G-D CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...


    He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
    environmental inpact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
    Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
    the universe pollution free.

    G-d was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
    project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly
    portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
    completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
    statement, G-d appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
    When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
    replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
    adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.

    HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the
    earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep."
    Then G-d said, "Let there be Light."

    He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
    Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
    asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
    Pollution? G-d explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
    fire.

    Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
    accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
    from the burning; 2) a seperate burning permit would be required; and
    3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
    dark half of the time. So G-d agreed to divide the Light and the
    Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
    Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)

    When asked how the earth would be covered, G-d said, "Let there be
    firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
    the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of
    double talk, but the Council tabled action since G-d would have to
    first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land
    Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits from
    the appropriate agencies involved.

    The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and G-d
    said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
    and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
    itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed
    would be used. About future development G-d also said, "Let the waters
    bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may
    fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action
    since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission
    coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
    Audobonangelic Society.

    It then appeared the everything was in order until G-d stated that He
    wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
    advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the
    question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
    application and enviromental impact statement, and then there would be
    public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would
    be granted.

    G-d said, "To Hell with it!"

    Comments

    The Fundamental Jewish Cuisine
    by Paul Root Wolpe, Ph.D
    University of Pennsylvania


    At Hanukah or Purim in universities all over the country, academics
    are invited to take part in the annual "Latkes vs. Hamantash Debate."
    The purpose of the debate is to argue about which is the archtypical
    Jewish food, Latkes or Hamantash. When invited to participate a
    couple of years ago, I took my mandate very seriously. The job of
    the sociologist is, after all, to uncover the hidden, to make
    problematic the obvious, to explore the unexamined assumptions
    underlying social convention. Therefore, after pondering the question
    deeply for ten or fifteen minutes, I determined that a fundamental
    flaw has been made in the choices of cuisine offered. Any true
    historian of Jewish cuisine knows that neither the latke nor the
    hamantash is the true, primordial, undisputed champion of Jewish
    cuisine. No, there is a food more basic by far.

    At first, foods like latkas, or hamantash, or matzo, for that matter,
    come to mind. But why? We only eat these foods on particular holidays,
    once a year. How can they be basic?

    How about the three Ks -- kreplach, kishka, and knishes? maybe once,
    but today we forswear them -- too much cholesterol.

    Chulent, tsimmes or schmaltz? Too fatty.

    A bagel with a shmear? That is almost as good as its gets, but there
    is one better.

    No, if we are what we eat, there is only one food that Jews have eaten
    throughout time, and which sustained us through our most difficult
    periods. The one food to which we owe our very nationhood.

    And that food is: herring.

    Yes, herring. Jews, both Ashkenazic and Sephardic, are from the
    Mediterranean basin, and there is not a country that borders on that
    great sea -- European, Asian or African -- that does not eat herring.
    In Northern Africa, Western Europe, and Eastern Europe it sustained us,
    and if the oneg shabbat at my synagogue is any indication, it sustains
    us still.

    I remember the first time I encountered herring. I was about five years
    old, sitting on my Zayde's knee. It was a Shabbat morning in Cambridge,
    Mass, and my Zayde was having his usual breakfast before Shul: Some
    herring in cream sauce on leftover challah, with a seltzer water chaser
    sprayed into his glass from a bottle. He lovingly spread the herring
    on the Challah, making sure to get plenty of cream sauce and onion, and
    when he put it into his mouth, a little dribbled down his chin, which
    he wiped with a finger and licked clean. I'll never forget that moment:
    sitting there on Shabbat morning, secure in my Zayde's arms, watching
    him eat that herring, I thought to myself: That's disgusting! That's
    the most revolting thing I ever saw in my life! I'd sooner eat chopped
    liver! Little did I understand at that point the central place of
    herring in Jewish history and culture.

    Let us turn to the sacred texts. Herring has always been at the center
    of great debate among rabbis and scholars in the Talmud. Take, for
    example, the eternal herring conflict: Herring in wine sauce, or
    herring in cream sauce? Shammai took cream sauce, Hillel wine sauce,
    and it was the subject of some of their most passionate debates. In
    fact, it was during just such a debate that Hillel pushed some herring
    in wine sauce at Shammai, encouraging him to try it. Shammai,
    recognizing that the debate would never be settled, cried out the
    traditional phrase used in the Talmud to indicate an argument is a
    draw: "taku!" he exclaimed. "You're velcome!" replied Hillel.

    Herring also was prominently featured at another dramatic debate between
    the two men. In the greatest fish story of the Bible, Jonah is
    swallowed, as you will recall, not by a whale, but by a dag gadol, a
    big fish. Hillel insisted that the fish was a herring. Shammai, on the
    other hand, insisted that it was a sturgeon. Hillel made a passionate
    plea for the herring, noting for example, that the lowly sardine is in
    the herring family, while from sturgeon we get that most expensive of
    foods, caviar, and since Jonah was simple man of the people, God would
    not have sent a sturgeon to swallow him. Hillel almost had the rabbis
    won over, when Shammai produced a fisherman holding a typical, 12 inch
    herring. "Could this have swallowed Jonah?" he asked incredulously.
    Then, in one of the most dramatic moments in the entire Talmud, Shammai
    flung open a curtain, behind which was a 20 foot, 2,000 pound sturgeon.
    "This could have swallowed Jonah!" he proclaimed, to the applause of
    the Rishonim (the Achronim were late, as usual). It seemed Hillel was
    sunk. However, never underestimate Hilllel, the man who said "If I am
    not for myself, who will be for me?" and convinced others that this was
    profound. He casually plucked a grape from a nearby fruit basket, and,
    holding it up for all to see, asked in a meek voice. "You see this
    grape? It is a tiny thing. A simple man could carry hundreds of
    grapes." His voice began to get louder. "Yet the Torah tells us that
    when Joshua sent spies into the land of Canaan, it took two of them to
    carry back a single cluster of grapes. How big were those grapes? The
    size of an olive? Hardly. The size an etrog, perhaps? No, even more,
    even more." Now Hillel was shouting. "They were undoubtedly at least
    the size of Shammai's head! And if the Ribbono Shel Olam could make a
    grape the size of Shammai's head, he could make a herring the size of a
    sturgeon!" Rashi comments that, shaken by this defeat at the hands of
    the master, Shammai retired to Natanya and opened a shwarma stand.

    The Torah itself often speaks of herring. Note this excerpt from Song
    of Songs, the famous passage known as the "Psalm of Psolomon the
    Pseaman":

    "I cast my net over the waters, and the catch is good.
    Yea, my lovers' lips are like twin herrings,
    pan-fried and drizzled with lemon butter.
    I will serve them on endive leaves;
    I will garnish them with goat's cheese and sprigs of parsley.
    Verily will I feast upon them,
    first carefully removing the bones."

    Who can forget how herring saved the entire Jewish population of Albania?
    It was over 500 years ago when Zog, the King of Albania, decreed that --
    although some of his best friends were Jewish -- all adult Jewish males
    in Albania would have to have their foreskins reattached. The head
    Rabbi of Albania, knowing the King's claim that he could solve any
    riddle, made an offer: he would tell the King a riddle, and if the
    King could not answer it, the decree would be revoked. The King agreed.
    The Rabbi asked that famous Jewish riddle: "What is purple, hangs on a
    wall, and whistles?"

    The King retired to his chambers for six days and six nights, but he
    could not solve the riddle. Finally, in exasperation, he summoned the
    rabbi and admitted: "I cannot answer the question. What IS purple,
    hangs on a wall, and whistles?"

    The rabbi replied: "A herring, of course."

    "A herring?!" shouted the King. "A herring isn't purple!"

    "Nu, so this one was painted purple." replied the rabbi.

    "But a herring doesn't hang on the wall!" said the King.

    "Nu, so someone hung THIS one on a wall."

    "But herrings can't whistle!"

    "So nu, then it didn't whistle." proclaimed the rabbi.

    Unable to defeat the logic, the King revoked the decree.

    In his monumental, 28-volume work, "Herring and the Jews," the noted
    herring expert, Doug Maluach, develops the idea that herring is a
    metaphor for Jewish existence, signifying the unity of the Jewish people.
    Maluach tells the following tale about how the Ba'al Shem Tov first
    became famed in the Jewish community. A rival rabbi, the "Ba'al
    Na'alyim Tovim", as he was known, challenged Shem Tov to explain how
    Hashem could create Jews of so many different types. How could Hashem
    create Sephardim, he asked, who actually ate rice on Passover and talked
    funny, making no difference between the letters "Saph" and "Taph"? The
    great Hasidic Master commented: "There is herring in cream sauce, and
    there is herring in wine sauce; still, the essence of each is herring.
    So, too, there are Sephardic Jews, and there are Ashkenazic Jews, yet
    the essence of each is their connection to the Torah. The rest is just
    sour cream and onions."

    Herring's metaphorical properties go deeper than Hasidic anecdotes,
    Maluach points out. Herring is pareve; it fits in with any meal, just
    as the Jews scattered throughout the world fit into many different
    countries. All around the herring are the dangers of the deep -- the
    shark, the barracuda, the jet ski. Still they survive. And, like the
    Jew, the herring understands the importance of keeping their children
    in schools.

    Need I go on? Herring and the Jews, the Jews and herring -- it is part
    of our souls, not the food of special occasions, not the latka of
    Hanukah or the hamantash of Purim, but the Jewish manna, the food that
    has sustained us day-to-day. A famous Jewish man, Mel Brooks (all
    right, he intermarried, but who are we to judge?), once commented: "We
    mock the thing we are to be." And now I find myself, every Shabbat
    morning, spreading my herring in cream sauce on challah, and licking
    the dribblings from my fingers. My kids absolutely refuse to watch me
    eat it. And that, Haverim, is how it should be.










    Comments

    The Jewish Origin of High Tech


    Q: What English language edition of Chumash is ideal for the
    Computer Age:
    A: Hertz Edition

    Q: What is the large print copy called?
    A: Mega Hertz Edition

    Q: What is the large print edition of the Stone Chumash called?
    A: Mega-lith Edition Chumash

    Q: How are they now distributed?
    A: As freeware: the five disks of Moses.

    Q: What is the most recently compiled edition of the Jewish Knowledge
    that help reconcile revelation at Sinia with the computer age?
    A: "Torah for Dummies" available on CD-Rambam.

    Q: Why do we blow the shofar on the day of rememberance?
    A: To recall the original ram memory.

    Q: Why are we sure the computer was a Jewish invention?
    A: Every keyboard has a scroll key.

    Q: Why are we sure the Internet was a Jewish Invention?
    A: Because Jews are known of their large nodes and we have been
    talking about the promised LAN for over 3000 years...









    Comments

    Hilkhot Oreo


    Although many significant events have shaped 5758 so far (U.S.
    troops in Bosnia, an erratic stock market, septuplets in Iowa, in-
    creasing tension the Middle East) certainly none can compare to the
    really big story this year, a genuine blockbuster that will change
    the lives of American Jews dramatically and cataclysmically. Unless
    we merit the coming of Mashiach, 5758 will go down in history as The
    Year That Oreos Became Kosher. Now that Nabisco has made the commit-
    ment to providing Jews (and the world at large) with kosher Oreos,
    we Jews have a responsibility to consider the halachic implications
    of this remarkable coup. I am not referring to the reliability of
    rabbinical hashgacha within Nabisco's factories, chas v'shalom.

    Rather, my concern is income-based (how it's ingested) and
    outcome- based (digested). Halacha covers even the most picayune
    details of a Jew's everyday life. The reliance on seder, a certain
    order as part of the process, is integral to implementation. For
    example, the way we put on our shoes and tie them: we first put on
    the right shoe, then the left shoe, then we tie the left shoe and
    finally tie the right shoe. The reasons behind these halachos are
    beyond the ken of the average Jew. It may be best left to kabbalists
    to divine their significance. Nevertheless, we take this shoe-fitting
    decree seriously, a case of na'al v'nishma.

    This concept of seder is no different for kabbalistic
    Oreo-eating. Which should come first? A straightforward bite into
    the whole cookie? Should one first break apart the two sandwich halves
    and concentrate on the creme? One can postulate that if white
    represents purity and goodness, and black evil and darkness, then
    perhaps one should eat the white first, as an example of the yetzer
    hatov triumphing over the yetzer hora? Or should one save the best
    for last, so to speak, by first destroying, via consumptive powers,
    the Darkness (the cookie part) and be left only with Light (the creme)?
    Or perhaps, this sort of binary weltanschauung is not healthy at all
    it may be preferable to take the centrist position and bite into the
    intact cookie, representing the real-world mix of good and bad, light
    and dark, moderation versus extremism.

    A fresh insight and hint may be garnered when analyzing the
    Hebrew form of Oreos, Ori-oz (aleph-vav-resh-yud-ayin-zayin), translated
    as "my light is the source of strength." Assuming that the "s" in Oreos
    takes on the Ashkenazic pronounciation, it may also be interpreted
    Ori-os, or my light shall be a sign. Thus the Hebrew appears to favor
    the creme-first eating process, although it's advisable to check with
    your local rabbi for a p'sak. And then, of course, comes the question
    of which blessings to say. 'Borei minay mezonos' seems the obvious
    choice, unless one first chooses to excise and consume the white creme
    center (in which case, a shehakol would be the way to go, followed by a
    'mezonos' when the cookie part is tasted.)

    Or, since the creme is subjectively the mehudar, perhaps a
    'shehakol' is sufficient for both creme and cookie, provided that the
    creme is eaten first? And if one has a glass of milk with one's Oreo,
    does the 'shehakol' that one first said over the Oreo's creme center
    suffice? Clearly the introduction of Oreos and all the shaylos it
    presents allows us the opportunity to triumph over lust, by exercising
    control over the Oreo, versus the Oreo having control over us.
    Cooperation between Nabisco and the Orthodox Union has given Jews the
    opportunity to take the everyday act of noshing on kosher Oreos, and
    raise it to a whole new level of holiness.

    We see that Oreos enrich our bodies with a perfect blend of
    ruchniyus and gashmiyus, the transitory (a taste of Heaven) and the
    permanent (a waistline that holds no secrets).











    Comments

    Da' Jewish Vote


    Responding to reports that Hillary Rodham Clinton's quest for
    a Senate seat from New York improved after it became known that
    her stepgrandfather was Jewish, New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani has
    acknowledged that his second cousin's third wife once rode in a
    cab driven by a Jewish driver.


    "Rabbi Rudy!" trumpeted the New York Post the next day. The
    mayor's favorite tabloid featured a two-page spread on Hizzoner
    wearing various yarmulkes, speaking in shuls, and praying at the
    Western Wall during a visit to Israel. An editorial proclaimed
    that Giuliani, an Italian Catholic, "is just as Jewish in our
    book" as Mrs. Clinton, who is Methodist, and expected rival for
    the Senate seat "Anyone who disagrees with us," concluded the
    editorial, "we'll personally give a smack in the tuchus and
    wouldn't that make the mayor proud."


    In Washington, political observers scoffed at the effort by New
    York politicians to ingratiate themselves with the city's large
    Jewish population. "It's blatant pandering and voters see right
    through it," said a spokesman for Vice President Al Gore, who
    also dropped the news that the presidential hopeful once roomed
    in college with a young man whose aunt briefly dated a Jewish
    dentist.


    "I mention it only because it happens to be true and people are
    interested in this kind of information," said the spokesman,
    adding that while visiting in New York in early 1991, Gore had
    enjoyed a large piece of Halvah .


    "That's got to give Al a huge bounce in the polls in New York,"
    exclaimed Martin Peretz, publisher of the New Republic and
    longtime supporter of the Tennessee Democrat "These attempts by
    politicians to appeal to Jewish voters by eating Jewish food and
    using Yiddish words is ludicrous," Peretz said, noting that less
    than 3 percent of the U.S. population is Jewish. "But Al was over
    the house the other night for dinner, and insisted on a corned
    beef sandwich and a seltzer. And when I brought it to him, he
    said,"ah gezunt af dein keppel."


    Former Sen. Bill Bradley, who is competing with Gore for the
    Democratic presidential nomination, said he would not stoop to
    target his campaign toward Jewish voters, despite the fact that
    they go to the polls in disproportionately high numbers.


    "Look, I'm a Rhodes scholar," Bradley explained,"and I know that
    Jewish people appreciate and admire intellectual achievement, and
    they would kvell if they knew my SAT scores or grades at
    Princeton. And I also know that Jewish people are obsessed with
    knowing which famous people are Jewish, whether it's movie stars
    or famous athletes or politicians, but I'm running a different
    kind of campaign, and I'm just not going to get into that stuff.
    So I won't even comment on the fact that my campaign treasurer's
    economics professor at Columbia once used a Jewish accountant.
    And it's irrelevant that the accountant's wife belonged to
    Hadassah."


    Campaigning in Houston, Gov. George W. Bush, the Republican
    presidential front-runner, cut short a speech in Spanish to a
    largely Hispanic audience to ask directions to the nearest
    synagogue.


    When asked why, he said he did not want to look like he was
    engaging in the reprehensible practice of catering to Jewish
    voters, so he could not explain. But he did note a moment later
    that "my wife's manicurist's therapist's uncle died this morning
    in Brooklyn, and I thought it would be appropriate to stop in to
    a synagogue and recite the traditional kiddush."


    Later, when asked if he meant the Kaddish prayer recited for the
    dead rather than the blessing over wine, Bush appeared annoyed.
    "Hey, I know about Jews and all their sensitivities. I read the
    Old Testament, I learned plenty in the Holy Land, I visited the
    Wailing Wall and saw where our Lord walked. And I kibbutzed
    around with folks on a kibbitz. So don't go there."


    In New York, the Anti-Defamation League issued a statement
    decrying the "growing hysteria among our political leaders to try
    to please Jewish voters who are far too sophisticated to fall for
    such crass attempts." The ADL called it "reverse anti-Semitism,"
    and said if necessary, American Jews will take to the streets to
    insist on a society that is fully democratic. "We won't tolerate
    anyone, including powerful politicians, being too nice to us,"
    said ADL leader Abe Foxman.


    Rabbi Avi Weiss of Riverdale announced immediate plans to chain
    himself to the next politician who emphasizes his or her Jewish
    ties. "It pains me to take action," said the activist rabbi as he
    donned his tallit, "but we simply won't take this standing up."


    Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton issued a statement chastising the
    press for creating such a fuss in the first place over the fact
    that her grandmother had been married to a Jew. She said any talk
    of her leaking this information to improve her standing in the
    Jewish community was "absurd."


    She then left for Western Maryland with her husband where they
    planned to rename their presidential retreat "Camp Star of
    David."










    Comments

    Hillary's Attempt at the Jewish Vote


    Did you hear about Hillary's latest attempt to endear herself to
    New York Jews?

    She went to a service, lit the candles
    on the menorah, blew them out and made a wish.











    Comments

    Hiring a Cleaning Lady


    The Goldfarbs had finally made it through hard work, frugal living,
    and sound investments. Mr. Goldfarb always promised his wife that
    when they reached such a point in time, he would let his wife enjoy
    more leisure by hiring a cleaning lady.

    Weeks and weeks went by, but she hadn't hired one. "Irving, it almost
    seems that nobody wants to be a cleaning lady anymore! I wish this
    were 100 years ago when it was easy to get servants."

    "No you don't, Sadie. A hundred years ago, WE wouldn't be hiring
    servants, we would BE the servants."












    Comments

    Room and Board


    During the winter of 1926, Thelma Goldstein from Chicago treated
    herself to her first real vacation in Florida. Being unfamiliar with
    the area, she wandered into a restricted hotel in North Miami.

    "Excuse me," she said to the manager. "My name is Mrs. Goldstein,
    and I'd like a small room for two weeks."

    "I'm awfully sorry," he replied, "but all of our rooms are occupied."
    Just as he said that, a man came down and checked out.

    "What luck," said Mrs. Goldstein. "Now there's a room."

    "Not so fast, Madam. I'm sorry, but this hotel is restricted.
    No Jews allowed."

    "Jewish? Who's Jewish? I happen to be Catholic."

    "I find that hard to believe. Let me ask you, who was the
    Son of God?"

    "Jesus, Son of Mary."

    "Where was he born?"

    "In a stable."

    "And why was he born in a stable?"

    "Because a schmuck like you wouldn't let a Jew rent a room in his
    hotel!"


    Comments

    How to Find Your Bashert
    by Martin Bodek

    Does dating have you in a bog?
    Does dating have you in a quagmire?
    Does dating have you in a swamp?
    Does dating have you repeating sentences that mean the same thing?

    Well then, practice my new Bashert-finding method and your
    spirits will rise in no time! This fantastic new process is
    called the Process of Elimination! Now then, let the process begin!:

    There are 3,292,393,161,375,414,113 beings in this universe.
    3,292,393,155,307,785,103 of those include G-d, angels,
    seraphim, aliens,
    creatures, cartoon characters, and imaginary friends. That leaves
    6,067,692,010 available human earthlings you can date! See? We've
    eliminated 99.9999998157% of the playing field already! Finding
    your bashert should be a cinch!

    Little known fact: Jews currently represent 1/5 of 1% of the
    world's population. That leaves about 13,000,000 people you
    can pick from. Now then, of the 13,000,000 Jews available,

    I'm going to assume that 50% are not quite the gender you're
    looking for, that leaves 6,500,000. Wow! It's narrowing
    quickly!

    Plenty of Jews are currently dating, plenty of Jews are already
    married, plenty others aren't dating yet. So we can eliminate
    2/3rds of what's available. That leaves about 2,166,666 people.
    Getting there, getting there.

    There are several categories of Judaic practice, in no particular
    order whatsoever, they are: Reform, Conservative, Orthodox,
    Yeshivish, Litvish, Chasidish, Black Hatters, Kipa Srugarians,
    and Young Israelites. That's 9 categories. There are more, but
    I'm too lazy to list them all. Since no one should be dating
    outside of their category - lest they suffer spite from community
    gossips - we can eliminate 8/9ths of what's left. That leaves
    240,740 people.

    4/5ths of what's left don't have the funds,
    transportation, or desire to date anyone not from their continent.
    Now we have 48,148 left over.

    3/4ths of what's left are nowhere near your age. That leaves 12,037
    people.

    2/3rds of those are too lazy to date anyone located more than 50
    miles away. That leaves 4,012 people.

    Half of those are waiting for
    love to find them, they can wait. That leaves 2,006 people.

    6 Jews are too uh, frugal to pay the ridiculous tolls.
    Their loss. Of the 2,000 people left over, you
    will never hear of nor will anyone ever mention 3/4ths of them
    to you. 500 people are left over. Let's assume that 500 is the
    maximum amount you'll ever get "ret" to you in your entire
    lifetime. Of these 500, 50 will be too tall for you to ever
    go out with, 50 will be too short for you to ever go out with,
    50 you won't go out with because some friend of theirs told
    them not to go out with you, 50 you won't go out with because
    some friend of YOURS told you not to go out with them, 40 are
    too Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black-Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey,
    40 aren't Reform/Conservative/Orthodox/Yeshivish/Litvish/Chasidish/Black Hatty/Kipa-Srugy/Young Israelitey
    ENOUGH, and 10 simply giveyour mother a "bad vibe."

    Now let's assume that 200 people is the maximum that a person
    will ever date. Of these 200, 9/10ths will reject you, and you'll
    never know why, 1/10th will dump you with a pretty good reason.
    100 left, we're almost there.

    Let's assume that with what's left over, YOU get to decide what
    to do. 10 are too dumb, 10 are too smart, 10 have an attitude,
    10 you have hashkafa problems with, 10 you're not attracted to,
    10 you have nothing in common with, 10 are too self-centered,
    10 are selfish, 10 did weird stuff on your date that you didn't
    approve of.

    Only 10 left! Of the remaining 10, 5 you share no chemistry with,
    1 is a fruitcake, 1 is nutty, 1 scares you for no particular
    reason, 1 should be locked up, and 1 belongs in Bellevue.

    That leaves your bashert, your soulmate, your lifepartner.
    He/she's just around the corner! Go get him/her!












    Comments

    How To Find Me



    "It was so nice to meet you! If you are ever in Odessa, please come and
    visit me, I'll be glad to see you again!"

    "But what's your address?"

    "Nothing can be easier! You know the main street in Odessa, De Ribas
    Street? So you walk straight from its beginning and make the second
    turn to the left. Go ahead and enter the first big ark to your right.
    You'll be in a big yard surrounded by apartment buildings. Yell:
    'Rabinowitz!!!' You'll see faces looking at you from all the windows
    except one! This is my window. Because my name is Shapiro. "









    Comments

    How to Straighten a Dog's Tail
    A step-by-step approach.


    Step #1: Straighten Dog's tail using your left hand and hold it like that.


    Step #2: Using your right hand, insert the tail into an iron pipe.
    Since the tail is inside the pipe now and the iron is not
    flexible, the dog's tail lies straight, inside the pipe!

    Step #3: Leave the dog like that for 52 long years.

    Step #4: After 52 years, release the dogs tail by removing the iron pipe.

    Step #5: Now, observe the dogs tail curl right back to its place!!

    Moral: Do we still need to hold talks about land for "peace"?











    Comments

    How Are You Going to Save the Village?


    During the Yom Kippur War, five hundred Egyptians besieged a smal village
    defended by twenty Israelis armed only with a few revolvers. Somehow radio
    contact with the villagers was made.

    "How are you going to get out of this?" asked a journalist.

    "G-d has always helped us, he will help us here as well."

    "And what if He is occupied elsewhere?"

    "In that case, only a miracle could save us."











    Comments

    Owner of Record


    It's the yahtzeit (anniversary) of Herman Mendelbaum's
    death and his widow decides to make a pilgrimage to
    the cemetary to recite a prayer over his grave and place
    a small stone, as is the tradition, to show that the
    deceased is remembered.

    She arrives at the cemetary, but it being a while since
    she had been there, she is confused and cannot find poor
    Herman's grave site.

    Finally, she comes across a grounds-keeper who escorts her
    to a small chapel on the cemetary grounds where the records
    are kept.

    Pouring over large maps and lists, he finally turns to the
    widow and says, "I can find no record of a Herman
    Mendelbaum buried here. The closest I can find is a
    Sadie Mendelbaum."

    "That's him!" she exclaims. "He always put everything in
    my name."



    Comments

    I am Nothing




    Yiskor service, and the Rabbi looking heavenward, passionatly
    proclaims "Dear G_d, I but a speck on the ocean of your
    countenance, I am nothing!"

    The Cantor, seeing the rabbi, and not to be undone chants
    "Dearest, omnipitant G_d, among your unworthy flock, *I* am
    least worthy. I am nothing."

    Finally, the Shamos being devout looks skyward and utters,
    "Dear G_d, I am your lowliest servent, unworthy of
    consideration. I am nothing."

    Whereby the Rabbi looks at the Cantor with a smirk and
    whispers, "NOW look who thinks he's nothing!!"










    Comments

    If Elian Gonzalez Was Jewish


    A 6 year old boy was found floating in the Atlantic Ocean today after being
    set adrift from Israel on a giant matzoh .

    The boy, Eliat Ginsburg, and his mother, set out from Israel in an attempt
    to reach the Jewish Homeland, Miami. They started out in a small boat, the
    S.S. Shanapunim, which capsized when the American captain forgot that ocean
    waves near Israel go from right to left. Eliat's heroic mother quickly
    pieced together the matzoh-raft and put him on it, then drowned under the weight of her gold jewelry. Her last words to her son were reported to be "Don't marry a Shiksa. She'll eat your HEART out.(glug) (glug)".

    Eliat was soon picked up by a passing Gefilte fishing boat, and taken to
    Miami, after a quick nosh, a nice piece cake, whatever.. There, he was
    turned over to the custody of his closest relatives, his great uncle, L'Chaim
    Ginsburg, and his 21 year old female cousin, M'shugena Ginsburg. He moved
    into their home in a Retirement Community on a golf course.

    Shortly thereafter, his father, Jacob Moses Ginsburg, who was still in
    Israel, was notified. He almost plotzed, and was taken to the Plotz Unit of
    a nearby hospital, where he was given a chicken soup capsule and released. He
    then demanded to come to the U.S. to bring his son back. Since it was Friday
    night, he walked to Miami.

    However, Eliat's Miami relatives opposed the way he was being raised in
    Israel. They claimed that in Israel, he had no freedom, no rights, no tennis
    lessons. Neighbors gathered around the Miami relatives' house to prevent the
    authorities for taking him away. They held up signs that read "Stay away!
    Every one of our sons are lawyers and they're single, too if you know a
    nice girl". Meanwhile, they plied the boy with gifts to show him how wonderful it was in America. He was given a Video game which was promptly taken away
    because it could take an eye out. He was then given a dreydl and played
    "Find the Afikomen" with his little cousins.

    When the father arrived in Miami, he was greeted by federal officials who
    warned him not to go to the Miami house, because it was dangerous. He
    responded, "What danger? There's no danger in Miami!".

    The Jewish media pounced on this story with all it's power. Headlines read
    "LITTLE BOY PLAYS OUTSIDE WITHOUT A SWEATER.". Talk shows posed questions like: What's more important, parenthood or politics? What if an American boy was held in Israel? Where can you get a nice sandwich in Miami? Guess how much I paid for this? It was ugly.

    The boy's cousin, M'Shugena, became his primary caretaker, because
    she had no job , no kids, no husband and no skills. The situation took a
    toll on her. Neiman Marcus and Loehmans's called to see why she hadn't been
    in. Unbeknownst to her, the federal government was planning a secret rescue
    operation, known as "Operation Circumcise", to remove the boy from the
    house and cut him off from his family. Just then, it happened. To get into the
    area unnoticed, they arrived in a van cleverly disguised to look like a
    Chinese food delivery truck, and stormed the house. Neighbors came running
    like a vance when they heard the code word "trafe". Hundreds of neighbors
    poured into the house in an attempt to prevent the boy from being taken, but
    they were slowed down by their need to kiss the mezuzah each time they
    entered. But a trap was set for the agents. To slow them down, M'Shugena had
    poured slippery chicken fat all over the floor. But the neighbors, armed
    only with menorahs, were no match for the agents and their weapons. The boy was
    taken to the waiting van, which would speed off to re-unite him with his
    waiting father, after making a few more deliveries.










    Comments

    If G-d Had an Answering Machine ...


    We have learned to live with answering machines as a necessary part of modernization. But what if G-d decided to install an answering machine?

    Imagine praying and hearing this: "Thank you for calling Our Fathers House. Please select one of the following four options:

    Press # 1 for requests.

    Press # 2 for thanks.

    Press # 3 for complaints.

    For all other inquiries press #4."

    What if G-d used the familiar excuse: "All the Matriarchs and Patriarchs are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order in which it was received."

    Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call upon Him in prayer?

    "If you would like to speak to Abraham, press 1. For Jacob, press 2. For Rachel, press 3. For Deborah, press 4. For any other Matriarch, press 5. For any other Patriarch, press 6."

    "If you would like King David to sing a psalm for you, press 7."

    "To find out if a relative or friend is here, press the letters of his/her name , press # ,enter his/her date of Yiskor and listen for the list that follows."

    "For reservations at Our Fathers House, simply press the letters M-O-S-E-S, followed by the numbers 6-1-3."

    For nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, the location of Noahs Ark, wait until you get here."

    "Our computer shows that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."

    Comments

    Things That Would Be Different If
    Israel Bought Microsoft



    The next version of Windows would be named Windows 99; Eh,
    maybe 2000; Would you settle for Windows 2001?
    Every mouse would need to be stamped with the Kosher symbol.
    All monitors running Windows would have long curly side-burns.
    The Microsoft web site would be backlogged from people trying to
    download the "Golda Meir Centerfold" theme pack.
    Woody Allen would be made Vice President of the "Children's Software"
    division.
    Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC
    would get "Verklemmt".
    No changes in the legal department.
    No charges in the medical department
    Hannukah screen savers with "Flying Draydles".
    Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
    Jerry Seinfeld-CEO
    The phone support department would now feel very guilty about
    leaving you "on hold" for 20 minutes.
    Internet Explorer would still "browse" the internet, but would be
    able to negotiate faster bandwidth.
    CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of
    high compression DVB's (digital video bagels).
    Your [Start] button would be replaced with a [Let's go, I'm not
    getting any younger] button.
    "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
    you're killing me, You want I should try it again, I didn't hear
    that".
    Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
    already"
    During passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
    floppies".
    Bill Gates official theme song would be "If I were a Rich Man".
    "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz".
    Microsoft Office would include "A little bit of this, and a little
    bit of that".
    When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
    should fix this?" message.
    Error messages would become a lot funnier.
    When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a
    loud "Oy!!!"
    "Third Party Drivers" would now be referred to as "Gentile Drivers".
    "Monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would be included in
    with all video games. This would get rid of the "schmootz" on
    your monitor.
    After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloofy" ("to
    sleep", for all you non-Yiddish speaking people).
    Your spell checker will now accept "Shiksa" as word.
    "Windows 98 Plus" to be renamed "Windows with the Whole Schmeer".
    Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
    Solitaire would be replaced with online "Bingo".
    Having Dr. Watson will make your "motherboard" proud.
    Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
    upper right corner.
    After your computer dies, you would need to wait 3 days before
    desposing of it.
    The "Microsoft Network" would be renamed to "Mahshuguna Net" or
    "The Knish Knetwork".
    Browser "cookies" would become "macaroons".
    Microsoft wouldn't become any better at programming "sports" games,
    but they would be able to handicap the games better.
    There would always be a "synagogue" icon near the "network
    neighborhood" icon.
    56,000 bps matzahs.
    Dr. Watson would become a certified Rabbi.
    You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
    Java scripts with some real Schmaltz.
    Windows certified "100% pork free".
    "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
    2 words: Virtual Spielberg
    Programs that "Hava na 'run' na 'run'".
    Headquarters moved from Seattle to Jerusalem. (Overpriced coffee is
    replaced by "kugel" as the company snack.)
    The Vatican counters with a hostile takeover of Netscape.
    New beta versions of Windows dubbed "Brooklyn", "Miami", and
    "Tel Aviv".














    Comments

    If Jews Were on Star Trek
    by Jim Rosenberg, June 14, 1995


    Just when I thought it was dry season for column ideas, I found the
    following announcement of a new Internet mailing list:

    "Trek-cochavim is an unmoderated discussion list for those who
    want to discuss the Star Trek world from a Jewish perspective.
    Some ideas for discussion include tips and suggestions on roles
    Jews would have, and different ways plots could have developed if
    Jews had been present in the series."

    Well, have no fear because Rabbi Jim is here. It is with great joy that
    I proceed to answer the question I had no idea anyone was asking: what
    if Star Trek had been created by Gene Rodden*berg*? Let's not waste
    another precious column inch wondering.

    Star Trek: The Wrath of Cohen

    *What roles would Jews have?* A Jewish crew would change old characters
    and offer new ones. Scotty would be replaced Morty who would respond to
    the Captain's demands for more power with a feisty "Oh, Mr. High and
    Mighty Captain wants warp power, does he? Well, perhaps if you'd bought
    those overstocked dilithium crystals from my brother-in-law we wouldn't
    be in this mess!" I see some new roles: Dr. McCoy's unmarried sister;
    Spock's brother who is dead to him for marrying outside the species;
    Kirk's agent for endorsement deals back home "When a Starship Captain is
    irregular, there's no time to slow down ..."

    The Mr. Spock role could be turned on its head. Instead of a perfectly
    logical being, it could be a manic depressive, Howie Mandel type.
    Imagine turning to your No. 1 for counsel in a time of crisis -- never
    knowing if you'd be met with a jittery, flustered ninny or a
    tranquilized, depressed corpse. "Mr. Schmuck, the alien ship will have
    full weapons capability in 25 seconds. Formulate options." "What's to
    formulate? He wants me to formulate? There's no formulate -- we're
    dead, dead, dead!"

    In the role of the empathic Celestial Shrink, Fran Drescher ("The
    Nanny") would play Counselor Oy! I doubt she'd agree to wear one of
    those low cut unisex filling station style jump suits, though. She would
    definitely replace the communicator badge with a gold broach, which is
    just as well, because with an all Jewish crew, everybody would be
    yelling at each other and no one would be listening anyway. In
    emotional therapy sessions, Counselor Oy! would pull out a tissue and
    sob "whenever you talk about your husband being eaten by the five-legged
    wolves of Canker 6, I get so verklempt. Your time is up for today."

    *What different ways would plots have developed if Jews had been present
    in the series?* Well, for one thing, no Jew would have been the lone
    Security Officer on a dangerous "away team." Those guys routinely get a
    phaser blast to the noggin inside of a minute, and Jews are nothing if
    not observant. Upon hearing "Ensign Glickstein, you're with me," the
    likely response would be "Captain, I would like nothing better than to
    be with you on this important mission. However, I feel I must point out
    to you that it was I who just recently swept for mines on Montaldo 4.
    Knowing how fair and just you are, I am certain you will wish to take
    Ensign Anglo on this mission."

    Undoubtedly, the Enterprise would be a more fun place. There would be
    mah jongg in Ten Forward for the ladies, and a 24 hour gin rummy game
    going in the mess hall ("yes you did -- I *saw* you cheating!"). Even
    in the next century, I'm sure the prejudiced and paranoid will still
    believe that Jews control the entertainment industry. It will just fuel
    that fire when Captain Picard announces "Ladies and Gentlemen of the
    Crew, your Captain is proud to present, in cooperation with Don Kirshner
    IX, the Senior Officers, the Enterprise Alumni Association, and the
    Terran Arts Council ... the celestial magic of Mr. David Copperfield.
    If you will activate your stern viewer screens, you will witness Mr.
    Copperfield attempt to make Menorah 6 disappear!"

    With Jews on board the Enterprise, the job of Communications Officer
    would be much more difficult. "Captain, I'm receiving *another*
    subspace message from your mother. She wants you to stop at Sourpuss 6
    to meet her friend's niece." "Lieutenant, please take us into the
    Matzoh Nebulae." "But Captain, the nebulae's magnetic field will
    interfere with all radio transmissions." "Take us in, Lieutenant --
    take us in!"

    Of course, the biggest change would be to the Prime Directive. Up to
    now, this guiding principle governing all Star Trek explorers has been:
    "do not interfere with alien cultures." This would have to be reworked
    slightly to something like the following: "The United Federation of
    Planets knows what's best for you. Eat, study hard, eat some more, and
    you'll do just fine." End Transmission.










    Comments

    Impeachment Trial Will Infringe on Sabbath
    by Melissa B. Robinson


    WASHINGTON (AP) -- It's no fun to work on the weekend, especially when your
    job is to sit in silence, listening to lawyers argue for removing the
    president from office.

    But for Sen. Joseph Lieberman, D-Conn., the Senate's only Orthodox Jew, this
    weekend's task is complicated further by the Sabbath, which begins at sundown
    Friday and ends at sundown Saturday.

    "It's obviously not going to be the kind of Sabbath I normally like to spend,
    but I think we can, you know, work it out," said Lieberman, who won't answer
    the phone, ride in an elevator or turn on a light during the Sabbath
    observance.

    Yet, Lieberman says his responsibility as a juror in President Clinton's
    impeachment trial comes before his personal preferences, even in matters of
    religion.

    "In this case, the continuing pursuit of justice takes precedent, and
    therefore, without any hesitation, I'll be there," Lieberman told reporters
    this week.

    House prosecutors began arguing their case against Clinton on Thursday. Their
    presentation is to last three days, after which the Senate is to recess until
    Tuesday. At that point, Clinton's lawyers are to open their arguments.

    For observant Jews, the Sabbath generally means attending services at a temple
    and spending time with family. The use of mechanical and technological devices
    -- even toasters and pencils -- is shunned, and work is to be avoided.

    When he must work on the Sabbath, something that happened less than two dozen
    times in his 10 years in the Senate, Lieberman makes allowances.

    Sometimes, he takes a hotel room on Capitol Hill; but he's also been known to
    walk from his home, several miles away, sometimes accompanied by a Capitol
    police officer for security. At work, he takes the stairs. He won't write, but
    he'll vote by voice.

    "I've found it possible to go and not violate any of the particular
    prohibitions that I accept on myself on the Sabbath," he said.

    The impeachment trial, actually, could prove more accommodating than other
    sessions. Senators are required to sit silently throughout the proceedings.
    They've been asked to turn off all beepers and cellular telephones.












    Comments

    Chinese Jews



    There were a group of New York Jews touring several cities in China. One
    day in Beijing, they happened down a side street and one spotted a Star of
    David hanging in front of what appeared to be a synagogue. With
    considerable curiosity, one member of the party stuck his head inside, and
    sure enough, it was a synagogue, and a service was in progress. Quietly,
    the New Yorkers entered and seated themselves to enjoy the Chinese
    service.

    When the services came to an end, all the Chinese Jews rose and were filing
    out, the Rabbi was out front shaking hands, and thanking members for coming
    when he noticed the group of New York Jews.

    He smiled and said, "And who might you kind souls be?"

    The leader of the New York group explained that they were a group of
    American Jews travelling the lovely country of China and were somewhat
    surprised to find a synagogue in China, but had thoroughly enjoyed the
    service."

    At this point, the Chinese Rabbi interrupted and said, "B-b-b-but you don't
    rook Jewish!!"












    Comments

    Sitting Bull



    An Indian brave named Sitting Bull comes home to the wigwam and informs
    his father that he's found a wonderful new, Jewish, girlfriend and they're
    getting married.
    Naturally the father is upset.
    "Why don't you find a nice Indian girl? it's not right for Indians to
    marry out. Anyway, I'm sure that Jews feel the same way. Surely they're not
    thrilled with having an Indian son-in-law".
    "Not true!", replies the brave. "They like me so much that they've
    already given their daughter a new Indian name".
    "What's that?" says the father.
    "Sitting Shiva"


    To make both sets of parents happy.....

    They promised to name their first born "White Fish"



    Comments

    Its About Time...




    Q: What do you get when you cross a Russian Jew with a German Jew?

    A: Children who are EXACTLY ten minutes late!












    Comments

    International Scientists



    German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of
    copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that
    the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.

    Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They
    ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they
    found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits
    35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.

    Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters
    underground, but found absolutely nothing...

    They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular
    telephones.










    Comments

    Interfaith Circumcision Discussion

    A Jewish and a Christian child are sitting in the doctor's waiting room.

    "Why are you here?" the Jewish child asks.

    "I'm here for a circumcision," the Christian replies.

    The Jewish child bent over and said in a whisper, "I had one when
    I was born and I couldn't walk for an entire year!"











    Comments

    Intermarriage

    Henry Cohen's parents were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30,
    and they kept telling him so. He wanted to please his parents, but couldn't
    meet a nice girl. In desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.

    His new wife's friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her
    regular streetcorner, but one evening she appeared, in new clothing and fancy
    jewelry. Naturally, the firends were curious, and she told them how she had
    married a nice Jewish boy. "What about his parents?" they asked. She
    answered, "They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party
    every evening for a week. They call it shiva."



    Comments

    International Anti-Semitism


    A Russian asks an Englishman,
    "Why isn't there any anti-Aemitism in your country?"

    To which, the Englishman replies
    "Because we don't think Jews are smarter than we."












    Comments

    International Needs



    Three men were walking through the desert.

    The first, a Frenchman,
    exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty, I must have wine!"

    The second, an
    Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty, I must have wine!"


    The
    third, A Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
    have...Diabetes!"










    Comments

    The Internet Bris


    An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via
    the Internet



    The service is to be called ... "E-MOIL"










    Comments

    Internet Prayer



    Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging
    on to the internet?


    A: "Modem anachnu lach..."













    Comments

    Initial Public Offering
    on the International Over-the-Counter Marriage Market
    Single Jewish Male, LP



    100% of outstanding shares are available to the right retail investor
    Suggested price: one ketubah (less the underwriters 7% cut of proceeds)

    After a year in yeshiva, deliberately secluding myself from women, business,
    and other time-consuming occupations, I have just launched myself onto the
    global marriage market. I am looking for one (1) retail investor.

    + Corporate history

    Baal teshuvah, founded 1970. Currently working and living in Jerusalem,
    Israel, starting my own internet company. Enjoy: spending time with people
    from whom I can learn, public speaking, teaching, writing, politics,
    analysis, accomplishing goals. Former investment banker, strategy
    consultant, and entrepreneur. Sports: weightlifting, jogging, biking, golf.
    Vegetarian. Education: Ivy BA, Ivy MBA, 16 months at several major haredi
    baal teshuvah yeshivot. 5'5" tall, black hair, brown eyes. Never married.
    I wear a black kipah serugah. This may or may not be indicative of my
    politics, preferred neighborhoods, wardrobe, tzizit color, or of which
    hechshers I observe.

    + The firm was spun off from the parent companies 29 years ago.

    French father, American mother, therefore halachically American. Both
    parents non-observant, happily married for 32 years. One sister, dati, who
    has outputted three children in three years of marriage. My sister and I
    plan to compete to see who will have more children. ;)

    + For this IPO, the investment bank is targeting a special retail investor.

    My future wife is, ideally, superior to me in every possible respect.
    Fortunately, this is not so hard.

    The only question is: will such a wonderful woman spend time with me?

    My future wife is, ideally: Jewish, idealistic, of high integrity, committed
    to continuous personal improvement, devoted to our family as her top
    priority, self-confident, communicates well with a wide range of Jews and
    non-Jews, ambitious in the realm in which she focuses her ambition,
    intelligent, analytical, articulate, erudite, striving to avoid loshon hara
    and vulgarity, non-materialistic, well-educated in Jewish texts,
    well-educated in secular subjects, well-read, quantitative, modest in dress,
    and athletic. And can leap tall buildings at a single bound.

    + The firm plans to expand rapidly and establish numerous subsidiaries.

    I hope to have as many children as we feel we can handle. Between five and
    twenty children, but no more than twenty. (Of course, since I've never
    raised any children at all, I admit that I don't yet fully comprehend how
    much work raising children can be.) Our children will have a strong
    education, including all parts of the Torah -- the explicitly religious
    (chumash, gemara, etc.) and the less explicitly religious (math, history).
    Very strongly prefer single-sex schools for kids.

    + As soon as this IPO is completed, the company will move to new corporate
    headquarters.

    In our future home, I very strongly prefer to have no TV and few if any
    movies, in order to protect the children, as well as the parents, from
    pritzut and anti-Torah values. A well-stocked library, with books by
    Rambam, N. Lamm, Halivni, C.S. Lewis, Covey, Dickens, Cialdini, Marx, etc.
    (books listed in roughly descending order of holiness).

    + The firm has a policy of holding corporate retreats every seven days.

    At our Shabbat table, I hope to have many Shabbat guests of diverse
    religions and backgrounds. I particularly like hosting non-observant Jews.
    A devar Torah by both my wife and me. Good food.


    If interested in investing, or if you have suggestions of a potential
    investor, please contact me@aish.edu (a shadchan). Finders fee happily
    paid!











    Comments

    Isaac's Age



    Why was Isaac 12 years old when God called Abraham to
    sacrifice his son?


    Because if he had been a teenager, it wouldn't have
    been a sacrifice.












    Comments

    Crime in Israel



    A Jewish woman emigrated to Israel. After settling in, she
    took a bus ride. On the bus, a man grabbed her purse and ran
    off, out into the street. "Oy," she screamed. "I come to Israel,
    to get away from crime in America, and they steal my purse!"

    The bus driver asked whether the thief was a Jew or an Arab.
    "He had a yarmulke on!" she replied.

    "Well lady," the bus driver said. "Don't worry about your
    purse - it's in Jewish hands!"












    Comments

    Israeli Economic Planning


    The Prime Minister Ben Gurion was having a cabinet meeting,
    trying to come up with solutions for the economic hardships
    of the infant Jewish state. Floods of immigrants were
    straining the national resourses to the limits and something
    had to be done to bring in more money.

    One minister rushed in all excited, saying, "I found it! The
    perfect way out of our economic problems!"

    B-G frowned and said, "Nu?"

    The other continued, "Listen. Remember World War II? Germany
    declared war on America, the Allies came over and whipped the
    tar out of them, they surrendered, and then the US came into
    Germany and rebuilt the country - and now Germany is on its way
    to being an industrial leader in Europe! And then look at Japan -
    they declared war on America too, the same thing happened to
    them - they're about to take over the Far East economically.
    So I figure, all we have to do is declare war on the States, they
    come in and beat us, and then they pour all kinds of money into
    Israel - and we become rich!"

    B-G didn't change his expression. "Won't work," he snapped.

    "Why not?" everyone chorused.

    "With our luck, we'd probably win the war..."










    Comments

    Paratrooper in Israel


    An American Paratrooper named Mike O'Brien decided to join the Israeli
    Air Force. Things were just too quiet in the States. He explained that
    he had lots of experience and was raring to go.

    The following Thursday he is outfitted with a parachute and told they
    were going to jump over th Golan Heights. He asked, "Where is the
    second chute?" The officer in charge told him only one was
    necessary. He asked, "What do I do if it doesn't open?" The
    officer said "you say the Shema and you have nothing to worry about".
    He asked the officer how to say the Shema, and he practiced it
    diligently.

    Sure enough his first time out the chute doesn't open. He says the
    Shema and an enormous hand suddenly appears and catches him and
    gently lowers him to the ground. On his way down he is so stunned by
    the enormity of it all he says, "Jesus Christ!" The hand turns over
    and drops him out.












    Comments

    The Peace Process



    Q: What do you call the Israeli government?

    A: The leaning tower of appeasement.










    Comments


    Personals Which Have Appeared in Israeli Papers


    Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman

    Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. Nice Jewish guy, 38.
    No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

    Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul lastweek? You
    excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you
    never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the maror
    stain on my tie).

    Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women
    should be treated like a piece of meat.

    Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcismof dybbuks,
    seeks mensch. No weirdos, please.

    Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles,
    havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

    Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for
    American-born woman who speaks English very good.

    Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for
    eight days. Who knows?

    80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virileJewish male, under 35.
    Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I?I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom
    you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest
    secrets.Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties,
    please.

    Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking
    for girl whose father will hire me.

    Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and
    field. Has slight limp.

    Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take
    you out Saturday night. Please write.

    Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish
    Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.

    Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shule with, light Shabbos
    candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkahtogether, attend brisses, bar
    mitzvahs. Religion not important.









    Comments

    General Swap


    America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.

    The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals
    for three generals.

    The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach
    tactics, an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad
    General to teach espionage.

    The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General
    Motors, and General Dynamics.







    Comments

    Israeli Cabbie


    An American tourist was riding in a taxi in Israel. As the taxi approached
    a red light, the tourist was shocked to see the driver drive straight
    through without even slowing down.

    Surprised as he was, he didn't say anything feeling himself a "guest" and
    not wanting to make waves. The trip continued without event until the
    next intersection. This time the light was green and, to the American's
    dismay, the cab driver brought the vehicle to a grinding halt. Unable to
    contain his astonishment, he turns to the driver:

    "Listen", he says, "when you went through the red light, I didn't say
    anything. But, why, in heaven's name, are you stopping at a green light?!"

    The Israeli driver looks at him as if the American was deranged:

    "Are you meshuggah?!", he shouts. "The other guy has a red light -- do
    you want to get us killed?!"










    Comments

    Automobile Comparisons



    Three guys are chatting about their cars.

    "To work I drive a Toyota and on weekends I drive
    a Porsche" said the German man.

    "Well if you think that's
    impressive, on the way to work I drive a Ford and on the weekends I drive a
    Ferrari!"

    Then the Israeli responds to them "to work I drive a Mercedes, and on the
    weekends I drive a tank."











    Comments

    Last Wish

    Three hunters are out on safari -- an American, a Britisher and
    an Israeli. They are captured by cannibals who start getting
    the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells the hunters the
    hunter they can have one last wish.

    "What's your last request?" he asks the American.

    "I'd like a steak," he replies.

    So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve the American his steak.

    "What do you want?" the cannibal chief asks the Brit.

    "I'd like a have smoke on my pipe," which they let him do.

    Then the chief asks the Israeli: "What's your last wish?"

    "I want you to kick my rear end."

    "Be serious," says the top cannibal.

    "C'mon, you promised," says the Israeli.

    "Oh, all right," says the chief, who delivers the requested kick.

    Whereupon, the Israeli pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few
    other cannibals while the rest run away.

    The American and Brit are furious.

    "Why didn't you do that in the first place, so we wouldn't have had
    to go through all this?" they demand.

    Replies the Israeli: "What? Are you mad? The UN would have condemned
    me as the aggressor."










    Comments

    The Israeli Philharmonic

    An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann
    Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was
    admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance,
    and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his
    escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the
    world-famous author.

    "No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."

    "Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"

    "A check."










    Comments

    Israeli Rhetoric


    At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the
    Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.

    The Israeli Consul began, "Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with
    my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you... When Moses
    was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and
    prairies, and even more deserts... The people became thirsty and needed
    water.

    So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of
    that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the
    people rejoiced and drank to their hearts' content. Moses wished to
    cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond,
    took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters of the pond.

    Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes
    have been stolen... And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians
    stole his clothes."

    Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and
    screams, "This is a travesty. It is widely known that there were no
    Palestinians there at the time!!!"

    "And with that in mind", said the Israeli Consul, "let me begin my
    speech..."












    Comments




    Q: What's the difference between an Israeli and an Israelite?

    A: A third fewer calories.











    Comments

    An Israeli X-mas



    'Twas the night before X-mas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, not even a louse
    The anti-Bibi posters hung outside on the wall
    With the hope that the next day his government would fall

    At the base of our chimney we watched with a frown
    All night did we wonder - would someone come down?
    No, it wasn't Kris Kringle we expected to see
    Just a government agent to seize our TV

    All the banks had closed early, for many too soon
    Not due to X-mas - just a normal afternoon
    And down in the street not a carol was heard
    Just a kid blasting rap songs, with four-letter words

    The Knesset was empty - no debating today
    'Cause none of the members of Meretz could stay
    They all had to attend an event that was big
    Their X-mas day feast, where they dine on roast pig

    Santa didn't fly in, as he'd done through the ages
    The airport was stiking, to protest their low wages
    Which was better than last year, when he came to stuff socks
    And got lost in Geulah, where he got pelted with rocks

    In the square of old Bethlehem, the crowd stood and cheered
    At the site of a visitor - a man with a beard
    But the cheers turned to anger, when they realized this man
    Was only Rabbi Levenger there to take back their land

    While in faraway places, people skate on the ice
    Wish each other good tidings and generally act nice
    Here there's no X-mas spirit, nor holiday cheer
    You get to be rude 365 days a year

    There are those who are happy not to have to see
    A house full of X-mas lights or a decorated tree
    For them it's a reason to live in a Jewish nation
    But not me - all I know is I lost a day's vacation!










    Comments

    The First Day of School


    A Jewish mother sent her son off to his first day of
    school with the customary pride and precautionary
    advice: "So bubeleh, you'll be a good boy and listen
    to the teacher? And you won't make noise, bubeleh, and
    you'll be very polite and play nice with the other
    children. And when it's time to come home, you'll
    button up warm, so you won't catch cold, bubeleh. And
    you'll be careful crossing the street and come straight
    home..." etc. etc.

    Off the little boy went.

    When he returned that afternoon, his mother hugged him
    and kissed him and exclaimed, "So did you like school,
    bubeleh? You made new friends? you learned something?

    Yeah. Said the boy. I learned my name is Irving."





    Comments

    Jackie Mason

    An abridged version of a recent Jackie Mason interview....


    Comments

    Ancestors



    An American, an Englishman an Israeli were indulging in a bit of
    boasting.

    The American said, "One of my ancestors signed the Declaration of
    Independence."

    The Englishman spoke up and said, "That's nothing--one of my
    ancestors was present at the signign fo the Magna Carta."

    The Israeli just said, "You think that is something? Remember one of
    my ancestors drew up the Ten Commandments."










    Comments

    Jewish Janitor at Church




    Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a
    job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him
    a trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.


    After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I
    just have a few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use
    the bathroom, don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your
    coat up, use the cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my
    name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"











    Comments

    Jews in Japan

    On a Jewish holiday in Tokyo, Harry Siegel, far, far from his home in Staten
    Island, asked the Japanese hotel clerk, "Excuse me. Would you happen to know
    if there is a Jewish synagogue here in Tokyo?

    "Synagogue?" replied the clerk. "Ah, so Siegel-san. Ah, yes! Is synagogue!
    Leave hotel, walk down street two blocks, turn left - banzai! - is
    synagogue!"

    So Mr. Siegel left the hotel, followed the clerk's directions, and there - lo
    and behold - was a synagogue. He entered. All of the worshipers were
    Japanese, as was the rabbi, and the Purim services had begun. Mr.Siegel
    happily joined in. When the services were over, he went up to the rabbi and
    said,"My name is Siegel. I'm from America. I just want to tell you, Rabbi,
    how very happy I was to be with you tonight."

    The Japanese rabbi beamed. "Is honor! But excuse, you Jewish?"

    "Certainly" replied Mr. Siegel.

    "That's funny," said the rabbi. "You don't look Jewish."










    Comments

    Jaywalking in Jerusalem
    From the "Metropolitan Diary" in the NY Times (date unknown)


    The jaywalking problem in New York City reminded me of a time when
    my husband and I were on a visit to Jerusalem.

    As we waited patiently at a busy intersection for the "walk" signal,
    a young man sped across the street against the light. An elderly
    gentleman waiting with us turned and said sadly, "Two thousand years
    he's waiting for the Messiah, and he can't wait for a light."










    Comments

    Sue G-d
    by Jonathan
    P. Bernick



    My column today is about a miscarriage of justice to rival the Academy
    Awards' continued snubbing of Pamela Anderson for a "Best Special
    Effects" Oscar. It pains me to report that we still live in a country
    where a lawsuit can be dismissed just because it names as defendants
    Ronald Reagan, George Bush, and God.

    As reported in an Associated Press article on CNN's webpage, the lawsuit
    in question was filed by one Donald S. Drusky, who was seeking
    compensation for his 1968 firing from U.S. Steel. The suit, quoted in
    the article, lists as Mr. Drusky's grounds for action against God that
    "Defendant God is the sovereign ruler of the universe and took no
    corrective action against the leaders of his Church and his Nation for
    their extremely serious wrongs, which ruined the life of Donald S.
    Drusky." The lawsuit goes on to also name as defendants "former
    presidents Ronald Reagan and George Bush, the television networks, all
    50 states, every single American, all federal judges, and the 100th
    through 105th congresses[.]" (It is left unexplained why Mr. Drusky
    failed to name additional agents of misery and suffering, such as Sam
    Donaldson's toupee.)

    Had Mr. Drusky won, his suit demanded compensation from God including
    the restoration of his youth and the resurrection of his pet pigeon. In
    any case, the point turned out to be moot; U.S. District Judge Norman
    Mordue dismissed Mr. Drusky's lawsuit as frivolous. (The article does
    not specify that Judge Mordue then gave Mr. Drusky several sharp whacks
    on the head with his gavel, but I believe in my heart of hearts that
    this is what happened.)

    When I first heard about this lawsuit, my initial reaction was to make
    sure that it hadn't been filed in the court system of some foreign
    nation, such as the planet Neptune. Upon finding out that this was not
    the case, it occurred to me that suing God might be the greatest legal
    innovation since rhyming defense summations. I have a few grumbles
    about my life, none of which could possibly be my fault or
    responsibility. As a former resident of New Mexico (home of the
    $3,000,000 spilled cup of coffee) I know that someone must be
    responsible for these conditions, and who could be more responsible than
    God? Accordingly, rather than attempt to solve these problems on my
    own, or dismiss them as superficial blemishes on an excellent life, I
    shall forthwith file lawsuits against God on the following complaints:


    Loss of Income. Whenever I buy a stock, it drops faster
    than Bill Clinton's Yugoslavian poll numbers. This is not
    a coincidence. DAMAGES: 10000 preferred shares of
    Microsoft, Bill Gates personal password, and all
    broadcast rights to the phrase "Y2K."


    Restraint of Trade. For some reason, I am not a popular
    syndicated columnist who could sell a million copies of a
    book containing his transcribed gastric rumblings. Since
    God has not sent a plague of locusts down on the print
    media (the New Yorker excepted), He is obviously being
    remiss in His duties. DAMAGES: Dave Barry's job, two dogs
    named "Ernest" and "Zippy," and a son named "Rob."


    Alienation of Affection. My luck with women somewhat
    resembles Lizzie Borden's success with family counseling.
    This is obviously due to God not giving me the charisma of
    Sean Connery. DAMAGES: A Scottish accent, and a date with
    the latest Bond girl. On second thought, just send the
    Bond girl.

    Unfortunately for my litigious plans, though, I can't file any of these
    suits unless Mr. Drusky's case is reinstated. I hope that Neptune has a
    speedy appellate process.










    Comments

    Jewish Blessing



    May you live to be a hundred and a day.

    Why "and a day"?

    You shouldn't have to die on your birthday!





    Comments

    Jewish Bumper Stickers


    If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

    If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

    No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves
    with a hangover.

    After the sixth day, God created Loehmann's.

    Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

    Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

    Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
    magnesia.

    The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

    Always whisper the names of diseases.

    If you don't eat, it will kill me.

    Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

    Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

    Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

    Prune danish is an acquired taste.

    Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

    Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

    Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

    Before you read the menu, read the prices.

    According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
    Chinese restaurants.

    If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
    everyone else to hear.

    No meal is complete without leftovers.

    What business is a yenta in? Yours.

    If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford
    it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

    Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you
    feel better.

    Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
    dinner at four in the afternoon.




    Comments

    Bumper Sticker



    Jesus saves.
    Moses invests.





    Comments

    Who's Most Religious?


    A Jew, a Christian, and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
    most religious.

    "I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
    Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
    had come as I lay next to my camel while we were being buried deeper and
    deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah. I
    prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the
    storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning
    to recite the Quran by memory."

    "One day while fishing," started the Christian, " I was in my little dinghy
    in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
    I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
    in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ. I prayed
    and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had
    stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young
    children about Him."

    "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, " I was in my
    most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I
    saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my
    hand inside and found that it was full of cash. I truly thought my end had
    come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on the
    Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my G-D! I prayed and prayed and
    suddenly, for 500 meters all around me, it was Tuesday... "




    Comments

    New Store a Veritable Fantasyland


    Just in time for Purim and Passover, Disney plans to open a
    store in the Monsey area, which will cater to the needs of
    the burgeoning Jewish population. Among the useful items for
    purchase will be:


    Talis in Wonderland (folds fast if you're late)
    Tinkerbell Tefillin (clap if you believe in Hashem!)
    Minnie Kippah (also available in mini-Minnie sizes)
    Little Mermaid Mezuzah (plays "Kiss the Girl")
    Sleeping Beauty Sheytl (blonde only)
    Tigger Tichel (orange with black stripes)
    Peter Pans (milchig and fleishig cookware)
    Bambi Blech (will not burn venison)
    Robin Hood Pushka (takes from the rich gives to the poor)
    (formerly known as "101 Donations")
    Aladdin Kiddush Cup (drink up and you'll be flying)
    Pete's Dragon Havdalah Candle (his mouth blows fire!)
    Pinocchio Yahrtzeit Candle (his nose grows shorter)
    Mary Poppins Spice Box (holds a spoonful of sugar)
    Hunchback of Notre Dame Shofar (curved like a real Hunchback)
    Old Yeller lulav and etrog set (lulav old, etrog yeller)
    Seven Dwarfs Menorah (eighth night not included)
    Dumbo Dreidels (they fly!)
    Beauty and the Beast Megillah (comes with Goofy gragger)
    Cinderella Seder Plate (must be used by midnight)
    Jewish Geography Game: "It's a Small World"
    Jiminy Cricket's Book of Halacha: "Always Let Your Conscience
    Be Your Guide"
    Wedding Prints Developed ("Some day my prints will come")











    Comments

    Was Jesus Jewish?


    Religious scholars have recently concluded that Jesus was
    definitely not Jewish.

    Had he been Jewish, he wouldn't have
    wasted time with the Last Supper - he would have gone for the
    Early Bird Special.











    Comments

    Jesus Poem



    Roses are reddish
    Violets are bluish
    If it weren't for Jesus
    You'd all be Jewish












    Comments

    The Four Food Groups


    When my 7 year old son, Paul, was asked if he knew what
    the four food groups were, he replied,

    "Meat, dairy, pareve, and not kosher."










    Comments

    Kindergarten Smarts

    One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds,
    "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who
    ever lived."

    An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St. Patrick."
    The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
    Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
    Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
    Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
    Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
    I'll give you your $2."

    As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said "You know Hymie, you
    being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ," to which Hymie
    replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
    business."










    Comments

    Jewish Alzheimer's Disease


    Q: What's Jewish Alszheimer's Disease?

    A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt...










    Comments

    Jewist Atheist




    On the Upper West Side lived an assimilated Jew who was a militant
    atheist. But he sent his son to Trinity School because, despite its
    denominational roots, it's a great school, and completely secular.

    After a month, the boy comes home and says casually, "By the way Dad,
    do you know what _Trinity_ means? It means the Father, the Son, and
    the Holy Ghost."

    The father can barely control his rage. He seizes his son by the
    shoulders and declares, "Danny, I'm going to tell you something now
    and I want you never to forget it. There is only one G-d -- and we
    don't believe in Him!"











    Comments


    Categories of Jews



    My grandmother has three categories for Jews:


    Those less observant than we are, the "regular goyim";
    Those more observant than we are, "the crazies";
    And that small sliver of Jews who got it exactly right.











    Comments

    Religion and Viagra


    What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?


    The Catholic wife tells her husband to buy Viagra.
    The Jewish wife tells her husband to buy Pfizer.











    Comments

    Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? -- The Jewish Answers


    Abraham
    And G-d appeared to me and said, Avraham, Avraham, take the chicken,
    thy only chicken, that thou lovest, and take it across the road...

    Yediot Aharonot
    Chicken Run Over By Mack Truck!!! Graphic photos, pages 1,2,3,4 and 5;
    The Sex Life Of The Chicken, pages 6 and 7; You Too Can Have Sex With
    A Chicken, page 8; other news, pages 9 &10.

    Woody Allen

    I mean, it was, it was... a chicken... of legal consenting age. It
    wasn't like it was my REAL daughter or anything. The heart wants
    what it wants. (And don't believe anything that Mia says about me.)

    Shulamit Aloni
    I'll eat as many chickens as I like on Yom Kippur, it's nothing to do
    with the haredim what I do in my home...

    Baal Shem Tov
    There was once a chicken in Medzibozh...

    David Bar-Illan
    This question represents the worst sort of gross antisemitism on the
    part of the world's media. Reuters is particularly culpable...

    Ben & Jerry
    New Launch: Grandma's Funky Chicken Soup Ice Cream, or Funky Chicken
    for short. 20c per tub to the Environmental Chicken Fund.

    Elisha Ben Abuye
    There is no chicken, there is no road.

    Edgar Bronfman
    I shall be taking this matter up, on behalf of the WJC, with President
    Clinton, the Pope, and whoever's head of Russia this week...

    Charles Bronfman
    Forget the chicken! Let's get these teenagers to Israel: just think
    what will happen if they see an ISRAELI chicken crossing the road...

    Buber
    I and Thou, Chicken

    Shlomo Carlebach
    Yannani nini nini; yannani nini nini; yannani nini, yannani nini,
    yi nini ini; yini yannani yannani, yi ninininini, yanani yanani yi
    ni ni ni ni ni, yanani, yanani yininininini.....

    Chief Mashgiah of the Rabbanut of Israel
    I thought all chickens in Israel were kosher, aren't they?

    Bill Clinton
    Chaverim, I'd like to share with you a Dvar Torah on this important
    sh'eylah...

    Hillary Clinton
    I know we had Jewish friends at Yale but this is getting ridiculous!

    Clinton's speechwriter
    Yo! That's another 50 bucks the guys at the poker game you owe me!

    Complete ArtScroll Siddur
    Bend once when the chicken goes onto the road (bending first at the
    knees, bending fully as it takes its second step); bend again as it
    reaches the middle of the road (only a half bow); bend a third time as
    it nears the other side. If it gets across without being run over,
    say also a shehecheyanu (p. 358); unless the congregation is saying
    brochos before and after the shema, in which case no interruption,
    even for a brocha, is permitted. No brocha is said on Yomtov, Rosh
    Chodesh, or during the entire month of Nisan. On Erev Yom Kippur the
    chicken may be used for kapporos.

    Discovery Program
    If you look at the portion of Tamar and Yehudah, where Tamar is waiting
    on the ROAD, and you take every 13th letter of each alternating line,
    you AMAZINGLY get the words to "Uf Gozal", proving, once and for all,
    that Arik Einstein has ruah ha-kodesh. (Someone should tell Uri Zohar).

    G-d
    Thou Shalt Cross The Road !!

    Ibn Ezra
    It was not a specific chicken, it was any chicken (cf. Rashi)

    Fackenheim
    We must all help the chicken across the road, whether the chicken
    wants to or not; to fail to do so would be to grant motorized vehicles
    a posthumous victory. The responsibility to help the chicken across
    the road is holy; it is not negotiable; it is the 615th Commandment...

    Viktor Frankl
    It was searching for meaning.

    Aviv Geffen
    A chicken is just a bunch of feathers. Pink Floyd is more important
    to me than any chicken.

    Arthur Green
    A contemporary Jewish theology must incorporate the chicken's need to
    cross the road, even if we don't fully understand why it wanted to
    cross the road in the first place.

    Blu Greenberg
    In the first ten years or so of our marriage, Yitz and I didn't really
    focus on this question, we lived quite conventional Jewish lives, and
    had chicken soup every Friday night. I remember quite clearly the
    moment at which I first began seriously to think about this important
    question in a radically new light....Nevertheless I want to emphasize
    that in my view a synthesis of orthodoxy, feminism and the rights of
    the chicken is absolutely possible, difficult though this may
    sometimes seem in practice.

    Yitz Greenberg
    There have been three quite distinct historical Jewish responses to
    this question...

    Bonna Haberman
    What's most important is that chickens be able to daven freely at the
    kotel...

    David Hartman
    As I was saying to Shimon, Yitzhak, Ezer Weizman, Edgar Bronfman and
    the Pope, all of whom wanted to know my views on this subject... That
    reminds me, Motti, I want two chickens! And three bottles of wine!!

    Hasdai Crescas
    Some would say that the chicken was exercising it's free will. But of
    course I have already proven that free will doesn't exist, so it must
    have had some other purpose in mind. If it was trying to exercise
    it's free will, it was guilty of a philosophical error typical of
    lower vertebrates.

    Hebrew National Co.
    So what if we routinely fire our mashgichim, it's kosher.

    Herzl
    One day, chicken, you WILL reach the other side. You may not believe
    it; others may not believe it; but fifty years from now... If you
    will it, it is no chicken.

    Heschel
    If that chicken makes it to the other side I'll be radically amazed!

    Hillel
    If I am not for the chicken, then who will be? But if I am only for
    the chicken, then what am I? And if it doesn't cross now, when?

    Avram Infeld
    My dear, you are most beautiful! Let's discuss this question over
    dinner...

    Israeli Ashkenazi Chief Rabbi:
    There can be no answer to this or any other question until this
    government increases allocations to the yeshivot immediately, fires
    Shimon Shetreet, and ends all archeological digs...

    Israeli Sephardi Chief Rabbi:
    There can be no answer to this question until I consult with Arye
    Deri. He's awaiting a jail sentence for fraud? err, let me get back
    to you...

    Israeli Border Guard
    And what is your purpose for crossing over to the other side?
    Chicken: Bok
    Guard: Is that your only reason?
    Chicken: Bok, fock, bok!
    Guard: No need for fowl language!

    Kafka
    I woke up one morning to discover that I had been turned into a
    chicken. I immediately felt a compulsion to cross the road. I can
    not say why.

    Meir Kahane
    The only good chicken is a dead chicken.

    Rodger Kamenatz
    It was amazing to see how this question united the age old cultures
    of Judaism and Tibetan Buddhism. As Yitz Greenberg said to Zalman
    Schacter-Shalomi, while the Dalai Lama looked on and several hundred
    Buddhist monks waved traditional prayer flags in the hazy Indian
    wind..

    Mordechai Kaplan
    The chicken as civilization! Give the chicken a voice, not a veto.

    Kitve ha-Ariza"l
    If Rabbi Pinhas had only offered the chicken up as an olah, Mashiah
    would have come.

    Rav Landau (Bene Brak)
    If I didn't shecht it, it's treif.

    Levi Lauer
    Levinas is the key contemporary thinker on this problem.

    Yeshayahu Leibowitz
    Judeo-chicken? Disco-chicken? Stupid question. We simply follow the
    halacha. The chicken crosses the road. That's it.

    Yosef Leibowitz
    Why did it cross the road? Creation, revelation, redemption...

    Michael Lerner
    When I was the leading chicken's rights activist in the 60's, I
    actively studied the question. In the politics of meaning, no
    chickens will have to cross the road if they don't want to...

    Levinas
    [Answer completely unintelligible]

    Judah ha-Levi
    My road is the East, but my chicken is in the farthest West.

    Uzi Meshullam
    The chicken was abducted from it's true Yemenite owners, and it was
    crossing the road in an attempt to find it's way home. And I'll kill
    anyone (has ve-shalom) who says otherwise.

    Moses
    And the L-rd said: "Thou shalt cross the road"

    Jacob Neusner
    The answer to that question will be in footnote 22b to my next book,
    "Epistemology of Bava Metzia" (University of South Florida, 1996)
    which I am about to start writing. Uh, it was published already?
    George!!!!!

    Neitzsche
    See Elisha ben Abuye

    Bibi Netanyahu
    Most Israelis on the left mistakenly think that they want the chicken
    to cross the road. But not to let them get to the other side. And
    that's not really crossing the road. That's why I say it's better to
    keep them in the coop.

    Sara Netanyahu
    You, Chicken, are the WORST %#*@ing housekeeper, EVER!!!! YOU'RE
    FIRED!!!!

    Orthodox rabbi
    A very interesting sh'eyla. There are many different halachic
    opinions on this vital question for our time. In my tshuva I shall
    review the opinions of the tannaim, amoraim, Rashi, Ralbag, Ramban,
    Rambam,the ger, the gor, the grib, the grilbag, the grandpa,
    grodzinskis, my grocer, Jerry Garcia, and Heilige Harav Hagaon
    Hashlita Rebbe Hamoshiach Menachem Mendel Shneerson...zt'l.

    Pinchas Peli
    I was privileged to hear the Rav, Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik, speak
    on this subject. His discourses, which lasted several hours, were an
    experience which represented an exquisite and unparalleled combination
    of erudition, western philosophy, Torah learning and knowledge of
    poultry...

    Shimon Peres
    Yitzhak Rabin, zikhrono livracha, would have wanted the chicken to
    cross the road; it is our duty to see that it comes to pass... The
    question is not should the chicken cross the road, but should the
    chicken remain on the sidewalk. This is the New Middle East. Soon
    chickens will be crossing superhighways stretching from Tel Aviv to
    Damascus!

    Pirkei Avot
    Moses heard the answer at Sinai and transmitted it to Joshua...

    Judith Plaskow
    Where was the chicken in Jewish history? What was its name? Let us
    begin now to reclaim its significance, to refashion new rituals, to
    allow its voice to speak through the ages ...

    Letty Cottin Pogrebin
    In the early days on Ms magazine I cared more about women than chickens;
    but I see now that this was a sort of false consciousness, an
    anti-chickenism within the movement...

    Ramban
    Really the chicken didn't have to cross the road: this was G-d's
    allowance for the weakness of human nature. In the time of the mashiah
    chickens will no longer have to cross the road.

    Rashi
    THE chicken:[ie: without the definite article this might be any
    chicken, but THE suggests a particular chicken]; there is a midrash
    that this is the first chicken created in gan eden. A second opinion:
    poulez [old French].

    Reform rabbi
    Because it wanted to; in the modern era we all have autonomy,
    including chickens. And if any "orthodox" institution attempts to
    stop chickens crossing the road we will protest at this outrageous
    infringement of religious, civil and poultry freedoms...

    Rosenzweig
    The chicken hasn't actually crossed yet, but I hope it may one day
    do so.

    Jonathan Sacks
    It is impossible to answer this quesion, (or, for that matter, any
    other), without referring to Alasdair MacIntyre's magisterial
    "After Virtue" (London: Duckworth, 1981). His argument is taken
    further in his "Whose Justice? Which Rationality?"
    (London:Duckworth, 1988) and "Three Rival Versions of Moral Enquiry"
    (London: Duckworth, 1990). Also of interest are his earlier works,
    "A Short History of Ethics" (London: Routledge & Kegan Paul, 1967),
    "Against the Self-Images of the Age" (London: Duckworth, 1971)
    and especially "Secularization and Moral Change" (London: OUP, 1967).
    MacIntyre's ideas are developed in a theological context in Stanley
    Hauerwas, "The Peaceable Kingdom" (London: SCM,1983). The Talmud
    Bavli and the London Beth Din also hold views on this question.

    Sforno
    It is desirable that the chicken should cross the road, even in the
    time of the coming of the mashiach (cf. Ramban).

    Shammai
    Typical Hillel! Comes out with complete nonsense, and everybody ends
    up quoting him! Life is so unfair! And as for the chicken! - if I
    get my hands on that chicken it'll be straight to my talmidim for
    Intro Schechting 101...

    Danny Siegal
    The chicken was doing a mitzvah, and so should we!

    Gary Shapiro
    Leo Strauss is the key thinker on this question.

    Rav Soloveitchik
    There were actually two chickens: Chicken One, and Chicken Two...

    Steven Spielberg
    I'm covering this in my new movie, Raiders of the Lost Chicken-Coop,
    from which all profits will go to my new Chicken Foundation (which
    my mother, who has experience in these things, is going to head).

    Adin Steinsaltz
    See my book, The Many Petalled Chicken.

    Leo Strauss
    [Just about comprehensible, but somewhat boring]

    Rav. M. Tendler
    Of course I could answer this most simple and obvious question, but
    this attempt to state the most fundamental belief of Judaism through
    the impersonal medium of email is fraught with danger. Can I possibly
    prevent your erroneous and illogical deductions in this attempt to
    teach the Torah "while standing on one foot." In all likelihood, you
    couldn't understand, although I can tell you one thing. Chicken,
    kosher; swordfish, treif.

    Art Waskow
    At Chavurat Shalom we experimented with a chicken-free Judaism; the
    beginnings of modern eco-kashrut...

    Ezer Weizman
    Grunt [expletive deleted]. The chicken-meidele should go home and knit
    socks.

    Leslie Wexner
    I'm happy to announce a new $40 million endowment to help answer this
    crucial question.

    Rav Ovadiah Yosef
    If it was shechted by an Ashkenazi, it's treif.

    The Zohar
    Rabbi Pinhas was on his way to visit his daughter, the wife of Rabbi
    Shimon bar Yochai. On the way, he encountered a chicken crossing the
    road, and he heard the sound of a cow. He said: There are no cows
    in sight. The chicken answered him: I am a cow, I am crossing the
    road to Yerushalayim, so that I can be offered up as an olah. Rabbi
    Pinhas responded: Would that I could offer you as an olah, for your
    fragrance would rise directly to the ein sof. But, alas, cows don't
    have feathers.











    Comments

    Jewish-Chinese Dialogue



    A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man
    commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

    "Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old.
    But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."

    The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."

    The Chinaman was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied.
    "Where did your people eat for a thousand years?"










    Comments

    Local Jew Feels Left Out of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy
    from The Onion


    SOUTHFIELD, MI--It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like
    their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered
    in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery
    and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.


    "For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish
    conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it
    doesn't hurt."


    While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of
    international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this
    quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed
    from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech
    Industries.


    "Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he
    said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak
    around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the
    real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A.
    triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."


    Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over
    the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the
    Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.


    In fact, Nussbaum doesn't even own so much as his own production company.
    "Spielberg, Geffen, Ovitz, Eisner, Katzenberg--those are the Jews who control
    Hollywood," Nussbaum said. "And there's countless other Jews calling the shots at
    every level of the entertainment industry, from agents to producers to directors. But
    me? I probably couldn't even get the studio backing for a $15 to $20 million romantic
    comedy with a mid-level star like Matthew Broderick."



    And despite being a regular subscriber to The New York Times for seven years,
    Nussbaum has no powerful connections among the Jews who own that and every other
    newspaper in the United States.


    "As a left-leaning Jew, I should enjoy vast influence over the press. I
    should be able use the papers and television stations I own to forward my biased,
    liberal Jewish agenda and get Israel-supporting Democratic candidates elected to
    Congress," said Nussbaum, sitting on the old futon he uses as a couch. "But somehow,
    that's just not the case."


    Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance
    into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons. "They turned down my
    application," he said, sighing deeply, "when they found out I was Jewish. I guess for
    now I'll just have to resign myself to being Seth Nussbaum, computer programmer and
    powerless Jew."









    Comments

    A Jewish Conversation


    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "Nu?"

    "All right. Monday I'll send the check."










    Comments



    St. Peter was walking a group of new souls through Heaven on their "Intro to
    The Pearly Gates" orientation tour. They first came to a huge mosque-like
    building where all the Moslem souls in Heaven were worshiping Allah in His
    allness. The next building they visited was like the first, only here were
    all the Budists. Then the tour dropped in on the Jews in temple, and then
    the Hindus.

    Finally St. Peter brought the group outside the Church were all the
    Christian souls were worshiping. "Please be very quiet looking in on the
    Christians," St. Peter told the tour group. "Why is that?" someone asked.
    "Well," he replied, "they think they're the only ones up here."

    Comments

    Logic



    "Listen, why do we need this letter M in the word 'Yitzhak'?"

    "But there is no M in 'Yitzhak'!"

    "No, I mean what if we insert it there?"

    "But why do we need to insert M in 'Yitzhak'?"

    "But that's EXACTLY what I'm asking you: why do we need M
    in the word 'Yitzhak'?"











    Comments

    Jewish Mothers


    One Jewish mom tells her freind: I'm so glad my daughter found a good
    husband! He loves her so much that he brings her breakfast to bed each
    morning!.

    Then she sighs and adds: But my Son is married to such a clafte!
    Imagine that, she actually makes him every morning to bring her breakfast
    to bed!



    Comments

    The Jewish Olympics
    by Stuart Spector



    After reading through the list of this year's Olympic events, it was
    found that the Olympic Committee has made some significant changes.
    Some of the less-publicized events of particular interest to the
    world's Jewish communities, that you may have missed, may be the
    following:

    Decathlon:
    Commonly referred to as the world's greatest athlete, this year's
    decathlete is actually a minyan of ten daveners. Each member of the
    group will begin davening with ten volumes of Mishnah on his back.
    Every minute, another volume will be added until a team member can no
    longer angle the body enough for a complete daven. While yeshiva
    buchers in Jerusalem are favored to win this event, other teams have
    promised not to bow down to the opposition - which could be a problem
    for this particular event.

    Oyga Vault:
    A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition, the vaulter must clear the
    bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights
    cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be
    added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz
    mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in
    the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"

    Synchronized Swimming:
    Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make
    a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has
    finished?

    Synchronized Tanning:
    Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten
    minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two
    rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose.
    An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional
    points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be
    deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.

    Team Handball:
    The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team
    will cook a two liter bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The
    three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the
    infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put
    competition.

    Triathlon:
    This year's Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a
    serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes
    (first part), say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal (second
    part), and then run a marathon (third part). If the contender forgets
    to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be
    required to run the marathon.

    In addition to the aforementioned events, this year's Games will
    feature some experimental, non-medal competition:

    Bagel Toss:
    A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands
    a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah.

    Balance Beam:
    The accountant or bookkeeper that balances my mother's checkbook in
    the shortest amount of time will be declared winner.

    Challah Chap:
    How long does it take you to remove all the chometz from your house
    before Pesach? In this competition, each participant must rid a
    miniature shul of all of its challot, and replace them with matzot.

    Dream Team:
    This year's Dream Team will not consist of the USA's highly favored
    men's basketball team, but rather, an overpriced team of
    psychoanalysts that will have three, one hour office visits to
    analyze and interpret the dreams of this year's Olympic hopefuls.

    Moyl Marathon:
    Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each
    kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the
    babies of course.

    Naches Shlep:
    Designed for bubbies and zaydehs, the proud grandparents will have
    two minutes to boast about their einiklach.

    Rings:
    No longer part of men's gymnastics, this event now caters to
    newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth
    fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three c's," color,
    clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three s's":
    smile, sophistication, and simchas.

    Shochet Slaughter:
    Not for the weak of stomach or for animal rights activists, the shochet has
    twenty minutes to bless and slaughter as many cows as possible. The meat
    from the slaughter will be fed to the weight lifters and wrestlers.


    Enjoy the Olympics in Atlanta. Remember, none of these events, (with the
    exception of the Torah reading), will be held on Shabbes. Some events may
    require the separation of men and women.

    Comments

    Religious Perfume Ad Campaigns


    Minyan -- when you want to draw a crowd

    Rashi -- for comment after comment after comment . . .

    Revelation -- They will smell and they will do . . .

    Balam -- It will speak to the animal in you.

    Shalshelet -- Let the memory linger.

    Sodom - Indescribably wicked.











    Comments


    Election Day

    The first Jewish President is elected.

    He calls his Mother: "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to
    come to the swearing-in ceremony."

    "I don't know, what would I wear?"

    "Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"

    "But I only eat kosher food"

    "Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"

    "But how will I get there?"

    "I'll send a limo,just come mama"

    "Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.

    The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court
    Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on
    her right. "You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible"
    "His brother's a doctor!"


    Comments

    Quakers


    There was once a small Jewish population in an area which was
    dominated by Quakers. The Jews there had their own synagogue, and
    found their Quaker neighbors to be friendly. All in all, the two
    populations got on very well.

    One summer, there was a terrible fire and the synagogue was
    completely burned to the ground. The Jews were devistated, and began
    raising money to build a new synagogue. The Quakers quickly saw their
    plight, and also decided to lend a hand. They got together and had a
    meeting and decided that until the new synagogue could be built, the
    Jews should be able to pray in their church on Friday nights and
    Saturdays, since they only needed the church on Sundays. Furthermore,
    all funds placed in the charity box would go toward the rebuilding of
    the synagogue. The Jews of the community, and their Rabbi, were
    overwhelmed by the generous offer - and so it was.

    All through the time of the building, the Jews prayed in the Quaker
    church on their Sabbath and the Quakers on theirs. As the months
    rolled by, the funds rolled in and the synagogue came closer and
    closer to completion. Finally, just before Rosh HaShanna, the
    synagogue was ready to be reopened. The Rabbi decided that the first
    services would take place on Erev Rosh HaShanna, and he announced this
    at the services in the Quaker church.

    The whole community were outside the new synagogue for the
    grand-festive re-opening. Everyone was congratulating each other as
    the Rabbi went into the synagogue, and walked up to the pulpit. He
    then had the Gabbai open the doors for his congregants to enter.

    After a few minutes, the stream of people stopped, and the Gabbai
    went up to the pulpit to inform the Rabbi that everyone had been
    seated and that the services could begin. The Rabbi looked around and
    noticed something strange. He mentioned to the Gabbai that there
    seemed to be several, if not many, congregants missing. To this, the
    Gabbai replied: . . . "I hate to tell you this, Rabbi, but you should
    know that some of your best Jews are Friends!"











    Comments

    Jewish Quotes



    "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
    served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never
    been found."
    -Calvin Trillin

    "Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took
    us forty years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot
    in the Middle East that has no oil."
    -Golda Mier

    "Even a secret agent can't lie to a Jewish Mother."
    -Peter Malkin

    "I was raised in the Jewish radition, taught never to marry a Gentile
    woman, shave on Saturday and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile
    woman on Saturday."
    -Woody Allen



    Comments

    Jewish Red Riding Hood

    Little Red Hooding Ride was walking through the Catskills
    one day and she came across Mr. Woolfe.

    "Where are you going Boobela," asked Mr Woolfe?

    "I'm going to see my Bobbeh (grandma) what lives in the
    forest," answered Red Hooding Ride..

    Mr. Woolfe got in a taxi and went to the Bobbeh's house,
    gobbled her up put on her dressing gown and got into her bed
    and pulled the sheets up to his chin..

    Then there was a knock on the door. "Come in," called
    Mr. Woolfe..

    Red Hooding Ride opened the door, went in, looked at her
    Bobbeh and said, "Oh Bobbeh...What big eyes you have."

    "All the better to see you with," said Mr. Woolfe,
    "come closer."

    "But Bobbeh...what big ears you have," cried Red Hooding
    Ride.

    "All the better to hear you with," chuckled Mr Woolfe!

    "Yes, but Bobbeh...What a big nose you have," whispered
    Red Hooding Ride.

    "HUH?!" growled the Mr. Woolfe, "Look who's talking!"











    Comments


    You Might Be a Jewish Redneck If ...

    You think that marrying your first cousin is not only permitted, but
    biblically mandated

    Your home is mobile and your sukkah ain't

    You have a gun rack in your sukkah

    your idea of Shalosh Seidos is a six pack of beer and some Redman

    Ad Lo Yoda applies just about every night.

    You think KKK is a kosher symbol

    You speak more English than your shul president

    You light Shabbat candles from your cigarette

    The only plant in your home is your lulav

    The only area on your lawn that is mowed is the spot where you burn your Chametz

    Your idea of bathing is using the mikvah

    Your siddur lists the Sabbath greeting as : "Shabbot Shalom Y'all"

    Your Shabbat suit was a blue light special at K-mart

    Willie Nelson sang at your Bar/Bat Mitzvah

    Your local scribe shoots his own parchment

    You've ever used the theme to "Rawhide" as a tune for the Kedusha

    You've ever fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name

    Your belt buckle is bigger than your Yarmulke

    You give Ma'aser from your spittoon

    A tish just ain't a tish without a bugzapper

    You've ever called the "Psychic Friends Network" to answer a halachic question

    When you hear the shofar on Rosh Hashanah, you let your hunting dogs loose

    You know what Barach to make when you see a UFO

    Your Rabbi ever yelled "Yee-Haw" during his sermon

    You think the mechitza is an Italian food

    You think a hora is a high priced call girl

    You keep a can of spray paint in your Tallis bag

    You wear a white hood for Havdallah

    You know which brand of grits have an acceptable Kashrut supervision

    If your Omer counting calendar has ever come up with three cherries in a row













    Comments

    Jewish Samurai


    Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful
    emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out
    a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who
    they knew, and so forth. (An ancient chain letter? - LadyHawke)

    A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai,
    a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

    The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate
    why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a
    matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops
    dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very
    impressive!"

    Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and
    demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai
    opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH.
    WOOOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The
    emperor says, "That is really impressive!"

    Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and
    demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai
    thinks, "If it works for the other two..."
    So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a
    little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH.
    A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing
    around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not
    dead?"

    And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look closely, you'll see
    that the fly has been circumcised."











    Comments

    "Shit Happens" -- The Jewish Version

    There have been several versions of how different religions reinterpret the
    phrase "Shit Happens". Well here's the Jewish Breakdown:




    Hassidism: Blessed are they upon whom His most holy Shit happens.

    Orthodox: This is the shit of The Almighty.

    Conservative: We have had this shit from generation to generation.

    Reform: Got a laxative?













    Comments

    Jewish Life in Space


    This takes place in the old days when the first 3-man space shuttle
    came splashing down from the moon and the ship the U.S.S. Seagull
    (Jewish ship of course-Segal) picked up the capsule. The first man who
    got out of the capsule was Protestant and the clergyman of his faith
    asked him; "How was it my son?" The Protestant astronaut answered with
    a big healthy smile; "It was truly a great experience, etc." The second
    man was Catholic and when he emerged from the capsule the priest blessed
    him and asked him; "In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost-
    How was it?" and the reply was; "It was fabulous Father!" The third man,
    of course, was Jewish and with great effort left the space ship and was
    huffing and puffing and the Rabbi came up to him and asked him; "How
    come-Nu, what happened? The other two astronauts came out composed and
    refreshed-and you, Nu?" The Jewish astronaut answered-breathing very
    heavily; "Every 90 minutes, 'Shacharit, Mincha, Mariv - Shacharit,
    Mincha, Mariv'!

    Comments

    Have you got the time?


    An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train. The young
    Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old Jew does not answer.

    "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew keeps silent.

    "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!"

    The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I
    don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll
    have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful
    daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married.
    Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

    Comments


    The Eternal Jewish Truths or Your Grandmother's Talmud


    The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

    If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

    It's not who you know, it's who you know had a nose job.

    If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

    After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.

    No one looks good in a yarmulke.

    Who else could have invented the 50 minute hour?

    Never pick your nose in shul; it's the one place you know He's watching.

    Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

    WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never leave.

    Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.

    Wine needs to breathe, so don't rush through the kiddish.

    Remember, even Sandy Koufax didn't play ball on Yom Kippur.

    There's nothing like a good belch.

    Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk of
    magnesia.

    Never pay retail.

    It's always a bad hair day if you're bald.

    Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.

    No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry; but then again, no one leaves with a
    hangover.

    The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

    And what's so wrong with dry turkey?

    If your name was Lipschitz, you'd change it, too.

    Always leave a little room for the Viennese table.

    Always whisper the names of diseases.

    One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

    If you don't eat, it will kill me.

    Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

    The most important word to know in any language is sale.

    Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

    Never take a front-row seat at a bris.

    Prune danish is definitely an acquired taste.

    Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

    Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

    Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami Beach.

    The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
    alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

    You need ten men for a minyan, but only four in polyester pants and white
    shoes for pinochle.

    A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.

    A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

    Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

    Before you read the menu, read the prices.

    There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and tell his
    mother he's an adult. This usually happens at around age 45.

    According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in
    Chinese restaurants.

    Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn't
    Jewish.

    If you're going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud enough for
    everyone else to hear.

    No meal is complete without leftovers.

    What business is a yenta in? Yours.

    If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it,
    make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

    The only thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at
    the mall.

    Prozac is like chicken soup: it doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel
    better.

    Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating dinner at
    four in the afternoon.

    Schmeer today, gone tomorrow.

    What is chutzpah? Reading this entire book in the store and not buying it.












    Comments

    Maid in Heaven: A Jewish Marriage Guide
    By Aryeh Kabblan

    LOVE


    Love, our Sages teach us, is a many splendored thing. It can strike at
    any time, on a bus, in synagogue, even (though rarely) on a date. Love is
    more precious than gold; in the words of one contemporary tzaddik: "Money
    can't buy me love."

    But we are taught that G-d created the world as an act of love. We therefore
    see that being in love is an imitation of G-d. (Note: While imitating G-d is
    fine, doing impersonations of Him is unseemly and irreverent.)

    So now you're in love. What do you do next? If you're a Torah-oriented Jew,
    not much. You can tell your parents. And you can tell your rebbe. (You don't
    have to tell G-d; He already knows.) And you should definitely tell the person
    you're in love with. The next step is getting engaged.

    GETTING ENGAGED


    The engagement period is a critical one for every couple. Among many traditional
    Jews, it is after the engagement that the bride and groom actually meet and
    learn each other's first names. Among very modern couples, being engaged means
    you can now share each other's toothbrush.

    This is the time for meeting the parents of your intended. You will want to make
    a good impression, so remember to dress modestly (if you're a girl), bring a
    small gift (if you're a boy), and shave beforehand (in either case). Very
    traditional boys will be too young to shave. Do not forget that you will have to
    ask her father's permission to marry her!

    It is customary for the groom to buy his bride a diamond engagement ring. In
    traditional circles, this kind of custom is called yehareg ve-al ya'avor,
    i.e., highly recommended. Our Sages have also established a formula to determine
    how much one should spend on the ring: 1) take the amount you can afford;
    2) multiply by eighteen; 3) that is how much you must spend.

    The ring symbolizes many things. First, a ring has the form of a link in a chain.
    This symbolizes that marriage chains a man and deprives him of his liberty. As
    our Sages teach: "Who is a free man? One who eludes marriage" (Avot de-Robbie
    Benson 8:4).

    The ring is a circle that has no beginning and no end, which is how marriage
    feels after a couple of years. This also alludes to Talmud Torah (Torah study),
    which is also endless, all the more so because a man won't learn much once he
    marries.

    Of course, a ring is not essential, any piece of jewelry that fits the above
    requirements will be fine.

    One final note: after being engaged for a few days, you may develop a deep-seated
    urge to punch anyone who sings Od Yishama. This is a healthy reaction; don't
    fight it.

    The time has now come to plan the wedding.



    PLANNING THE WEDDING


    There are many myths about Jewish weddings, and they must be dispelled. Many people
    think that a Jewish wedding must be lavish, with expensive clothes, endless food
    and a seven-piece band. This is not a myth; this is TRUE.

    The myth is that the wedding is for the bride and groom. In fact, the wedding is
    for their parents. This is why three-fourths of the guests are people the bride
    and groom do not know. Many of these are relatives neither the bride nor groom
    knew existed. In halakhah (Jewish law), these people are called "wedding
    relatives." It is forbidden to interact with such relatives except at the wedding
    of one's children.

    There is a deeper significance to this law. The Hebrew word for relatives,
    KeROVIM, has the numerical value of 358. This is also the numerical value of the
    word NaCHaSH, meaning serpent. From this we see that some relatives are like the
    evil serpent who tempted Adam and Eve to sin, thus blowing things for all future
    generations.



    SPIRITUAL PURIFICATION


    Before the marriage can be consummated, the bride must immerse in a mikveh (ritual
    pool). This ritual is neither embarrassing nor demeaning to women. Chasidim do it
    every day.

    Immersion in the mikveh symbolizes spiritual rebirth. It represents purity and
    ritual cleanliness. Nevertheless, the custom is for the mikveh water to be cloudy,
    gray, and have little things floating in it. This custom goes back to the time
    when women immersed in outdoor rivers, braving frostbite, pneumonia, and the
    occasional peeping Tom.

    Some point out that the Hebrew word mikveh is related to the word tikvah, meaning
    hope. This alludes to the fact that women who use the mikveh hope they won't
    contract anything bacterial from the water.

    In a deeper sense, the waters of the mikveh represent the waters of Eden. But to
    learn more about this, you'll have to buy my book, Waters of Eden, on sale at
    quality Jewish bookstores everywhere.



    PREPARING FOR THE CEREMONY


    One of the most important preparations for the wedding ceremony is the veiling of
    the bride. The origins of this custom are unclear. Some relate it to the biblical
    story of Jacob, who let his father-in-law veil the bride and wound up with the
    wrong woman!

    Others trace the custom to the little-known talmudic sage, R. Yosi ben Seymour, a
    man blessed with thirty-six daughters. R. Yosi,according to one tradition,
    instituted the veiling at the wedding of daughter number thirteen, a girl with the
    complexion of an overripe turnip. This idea may be alluded to in the Yiddish name
    for the veiling ceremony, _bedekun_, which means "Cover her up!"



    THE WEDDING CEREMONY



    After the preliminaries, the groom and bride are led to the chupah (canopy). It is
    customary that the groom be led first. This is because Judaism regards men as more
    important than women. As we shall see, this is an important theme of the Jewish
    wedding ceremony.

    The groom is then dressed in a kittel, a long, white garment resembling a bathrobe.
    The kittel recalls the day of the groom's death, the symbolism of which is pretty
    obvious, especially if you've been married for a couple of years. This is also
    alluded to by the word kittel, which is rooted in the Hebrew verb katal, meaning
    "to slay." A fuller exposition of the similarities between death and marriage may
    be found in my article, "Why Moshiach Is a Bachelor."

    In some circles, the groom is followed by a procession of relatives and friends.
    This is a Gentile custom, however, like drinking gin and playing golf.

    Finally, the bride is brought to the side of her groom. She should be finely
    dressed in a beautiful, but modest, white gown. The bride must also wear contact
    lenses. This is because the Hebrew term for lenses, adashei maga, has the numerical
    value of 497, which is only three less than 500, the numerical value of
    peru u-revu ("Be fruitful and multiply").

    At this point, the bride traditionally walks around her husband seven times. There
    are a variety of explanations for this custom, all of them demeaning or patronizing
    to women.


    THE ERUSIN


    The rest of the ceremony is fairly technical from a halakhic point of view, but a
    true understanding of its essence reveals how romantic it really is.

    Simply put, the man acquires the woman in a financial transaction. He does this
    by giving her something of value. Although customarily a gold ring is given, any
    object of minimal value, such as a comb or french fry, will do.

    At this point, it is necessary to create an intermission between the erusin and
    the latter part of the ceremony, the nisuin. Jewish tradition, with its keen sense
    of irony, reminds the newlyweds that, until Jerusalem is rebuilt and the Likud
    returned to power, our happiness can never be complete. In order to introduce some
    unhappiness into the proceedings, the ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) is read.



    THE KETUBAH


    Like all contracts, the ketubah is a dry legal text, somewhat lacking in
    entertainment value. Worse, the ketubah's text is very ancient and is written in
    a very ancient language, Aramaic, which has not been spoken for about 1500 years.
    Historians say that Jesus spoke Aramaic, but unless he's invited to your wedding,
    the reading of the ketubah will go largely unappreciated.

    Today many people spend hundreds of dollars to have an artistically designed,
    beautifully illuminated Ketubah, most of which are possul (not recommended for
    use). In halakhah, these people are called hedyotos (airheads).



    A SERMON


    Instead of reading the ketubah, and sometimes in addition to it, a D'var Torah
    (sermon) is delivered. To again commemorate the anguish of the destruction of the
    Temple, the sermon is traditionally long and boring. Preferably, it should be
    delivered in an incoherent mumble by a scholar who knows neither the bride nor
    the groom. Instead, he will refer to them generically as the "chusankalloh." Even
    better, he should not refer to them at all, but present a lengthy discourse on
    sin and damnation.



    THE REST


    This is followed by the Seven Blessings, yihud (seclusion), a big meal and lots of
    photographs.. Of course, the wedding is only the beginning. The real headache of
    marriage does not take hold until long after the centerpieces from the dinner
    tables are stolen by the "wedding relatives." Only after the band has gone home will
    you greet the future of married life with that immortal prayer: "Dear God! What have
    I done?"












    Comments

    Man and Wife


    An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site
    with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to
    the woman.

    "What's new, Sara?"

    "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns
    to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak
    for several minutes.

    After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to
    ask how she knows him.

    "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought
    about marrying him."

    The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If
    I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction
    worker!"

    The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married
    him, he'd now be a mayor!"




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    Comments

    Those Jews


    It was two days before Chanukah and Mr. Feldman, quite downcast, was
    trudging home. "Where will I get money to buy presents for the holiday?"
    he asked himself sadly, thinking of his wife and children. On the way,
    he passed a church, in front of which was a sign:

    One Hundred Dollars Cash To Anyone Who Joins This Church Today!

    Here was the solution to Feldman's problem! He went in, joined, and was
    given the hundred dollars as the sign promised. That evening, at supper,
    he told his family how he had come by his sudden wealth. "And here's the
    hundred," he announced grandly, waving the money before them.

    "Darling," said his wife, "you remember that coat you promised me three
    years ago? Well it's on sale at Macy's."

    "How much is it?"

    "Only fifty dollars, and it's worth at least eighty five."

    Feldman peeled off five tens and gave them to her.

    The son spoke up. "Pop, for a long time I've been saving up to buy one of
    those English bikes with ten gear shifts. I already have most of the
    money, but I need a little more."

    "How much more?"

    "Twenty five dollars."

    Feldman handed over the money.

    "Daddy," said his teen age daughter, "next week our school is having the
    most important dance of the whole year. If I don't have a new dress,
    I'll simply die."

    "Don't die Sweetheart. How much is the dress?"

    "Only twenty five dollars, Daddy dear."

    Feldman handed over the remaining twenty five dollars, leaned back and
    grinned. "It never fails," he announced. "The minute we Gentiles have a
    little money, you Jews take it away from us!"

    Comments

    Hamaven Yaven
    Masechet (Tractate) Baseball



    Recently, there was "Jewish Night" at Shea stadium (NY Mets). My friend and I went, and we decided to send out two trusty virtual reporters, Ella Rina (E.R.) and Ella Tfila (E.T.) down to the field with hidden nanophones (that's 1/1000th of a microphone) to determine the answer to that age old
    question:

    "What are they discussing on that pitcher's mound?"

    Ella Rina has explained to us that there are, basically three types of
    conversations:


    The chevruta: This is when the catcher alone goes to the mound to
    talk to the pitcher.
    The shiur: This is when the manager goes to the mound the first time
    in an inning.
    The mussar: This is when the manager goes a second time to the
    mound. Inevitably, this must be some severe punishment, as this is
    immediately followed by the pitcher leaving the game. Typically,
    pitchers try to avoid the mussar.


    Ella Tfila reported on some of the conversations that occurred during
    the August 4, 1998 Mets Game vs. The San Francisco Giants. To avoid
    "lotion horror" and possibly being ejected from future baseball games
    because of slander and playing with the rosin bag, Ella does not mention
    any of the players' real names. Of course, Ella doesn't KNOW any of the
    players' real names, anyway, but that's beside the point.

    In the top of the third, the Mets catcher went to the mound for a
    chevruta:

    Pitch: So, nu? Vat's de matter now?
    Catch: Listen, I just want to tell you that you should pitch no higher
    than 1 amah out of the strike zone, because even bedi'eved (by
    leniency), the umpire won't call it a strike. And try to speed up your
    pitches so we can all get out of here before sof z'man kriyat shema (end
    of time for reciting Shema), OK?

    Ella Rina explained what goes through a pitcher's head between pitches.
    Have you noticed he walks around the mound too much, picks up the rosin
    bag, drops it, rubs his hands, chews tobacco, spits, scratches himself,
    all before he finally throws a ball to home plate? What is going on all
    this time?

    E.R. explains that the pitcher is contemplating a tough sugya (section)
    of the Talmud. The walking around the mound is to fulfill the precept,
    "vehalachta bidrachav". "Thou shalt walk in his path". The pitcher would
    rather himself walk in His path than walk the batter to first base!

    The use of the rosin bag is an allusion to the children of Israel all
    united in one place. The baseball field is partially made of sand thus
    resembling Israel as the "sands of the Earth", thus scattered about. The
    rosin bag represents the collection of these scattered grains in one
    place forming unity and thus, controlling the destiny of the game. After
    all, the game cannot continue until the pitcher pitches the ball!

    The tobacco chewing and spitting is simply because the pitcher gets
    hungry on the mound. Since the mound may be considered a makom (place
    of) tum'ah (unclean), the pitcher cannot make a bracha (blessing) prior
    to eating. Hence, by chewing tobacco and spitting it out, he is not
    really eating, thus he need not make a bracha.

    The scratching minhag (custom) originated from a mistranslation of a
    Yiddish word. Many years ago, when Sandy Kofax was losing a game, and
    things looked bleak, he went off the mound and began to krechtz (sigh),
    "Oy vey! Vat a day! How do I make this batter strike away?" From there
    came the expression, and rule, "A pitcher who is in trouble should
    krechtz to relieve his frustrations." However, as Kofax passed on, and
    got into The Hall of Fame, people started to say, "A pitcher who is in
    trouble should kratz (scratch) to relieve his frustrations." Thus, came
    about the custom to scratch rather than to sigh.

    E.T. explains that the reason the pitcher keeps nodding his head "yes"
    and "no" is that he is contemplating the result of a makhloket (dispute)
    and it takes him some time to decide which Rabbi might be right.
    Occasionally, the pitcher really cannot decide, as E.T. discovered the
    other night when there was an "expanded" chevruta. The first baseman
    joined in together with the catcher on the mound.

    1st base: "Hey guys? What's the problem
    Catch: Now, I thought I told you what the signals mean. Index finger
    means Bet Shamai, Pinkie means Bet Hillel."
    Picher: Oh, was that it? I thought the index finger meant Hashem is
    watching and the pinkie meant "let's have fleishigs (meat) after the
    game!"
    1st base: "No, you shmendrik and a half! The index means throw a
    fastball and the pinkie means that the catcher has an itch on his index
    but can't get his finger out of the glove. Got that?

    Meanwhile, the yoompar (umpire) has joined in on the chevruta also.

    Yoomp: "Hey! You guys are taking too long! My wife said not to come home
    so late because I'll miss tikun chatzot (midnight prayer). Let's get on
    with the game, OK?"

    Sometimes, E.T. says, it's hard to tell the difference between the
    expanded chevruta and a shiur. The difference, of course, is that a
    shiur always involves the manager, where the chevruta never does.
    Problem is, sometimes the manager TELLS the players to make an expanded
    chevruta, in which case, technically, this is a shiur, but not really.
    E.T. refers to this as a "syag leshiur" (building a "fence" around the
    shiur). I just prefer to call it an excuse!

    In the 8th inning, it seems that the Giants pitcher got into some
    trouble. They were one run up, but had the Mets fastest runner in
    scoring position. A shiur occurred on the mound.

    Manager to pitcher: Now, we're taking dinner orders. We decided we're
    going for Chinese food tonight.
    Pitcher: But I prefer chulent!
    Mgr: I'm sorry, but we've had enough chulent the last few nights! Now,
    you better tell me now, you want Moo Goo Gribenes (chicken fat, with the
    hardened skins) or Sweet and Sour Egg Kichel? (The only "mop" and
    "shovel" good enough for pickled herring onions. A necessity when you
    run out of toothpicks!)
    Pitch: I don't know. Let me get this last guy out, and I'll let you know
    in the dugout between innings, OK?
    Mgr: OK, but you better finish it soon, 'cause the boychiks ("dem
    bums!") here are getting mighty hungry.

    Well, it seems that the thought of food made the pitcher lose
    concentration. He not only walked the next batter to load the bases, but
    he had a wild pitch, and walked the next two after that. This was far
    more than the manager and the dug-out-chiks could tolerate.

    Mgr: OK, what's the problem. Why did you allow three men to score?

    Pitch: I'm sorry, I was hungry. You know, I was thinking about getting
    Liver Lomein with an Egg Keichel Roll.

    Mgr: Are you meshugah? You were hungry? That's what cost us three
    runs??? You were hungry? Get outta here and get the whole team some
    food! The whole dugout is hungry! Come on! Give me the ball! (Oy! He was
    hungry! Ah nechtigeh tog! ("Why didn't I trade him yesterday?"))

    Well, now that you have some idea of why baseball games take so long, I
    would suggest that next time you go to the park or stadium you might
    want to take a Ramba"m (Maimonedes explanation). I have a feeling he
    might explain what the BATTERS do when they step out of the batter's box
    between pitches.

    Until then, this is Ella Rina and Ella Tfillah saying if you understood
    this, then you're a Maven.










    Comments

    Book Reviews
    Eli D. Clark


    Rabbi Mordy Ignatzkowitz Explains It All for You (Hassagas Gvul
    Publishing, 1999), translated and edited by Suri Horowitz-Margareten, 237
    pp.

    Throughout our history, there have been Jews who, confounded by the
    crossword puzzle of current events, have stared up at the heavens and
    asked, -Why?- But Hashem, Who has better things to do, does not send the
    answers directly. Instead, in every generation, He blesses us with a
    guide who unravels these mysteries for us: The Rambam, the Arizal, the
    Besht, the Fonz.

    HaRav Mordechai Ignatzkowitz is such a person. A disciple of the
    well-known mystic, R. Azarya Eyd Zomem, R. Mordechai is world-famous for
    his lectures, which draw overflow crowds to his 1-BD bedroom apartment -
    in Bnei Brak. His radio show, -Toch Kedey Dibbur,- attracts countless
    listeners. And his tapes are best-sellers from the fast food restaurants
    of Flatbush to the basements of Borough Park. Now, for the first time
    ever, Rav Mordechai's wisdom is available to the English-speaking world
    (provided that the English-speaking world has $24.95 plus tax. Okay, for
    you, no tax.). R. Mordechai's daughter-in-law has painstakingly
    transcribed hundreds of hours of speeches, shiurim, diatribes and
    anecdotes and lovingly presented them in fractured English. The results
    are nothing short of wondrous.

    War and conflict, evil and wickedness, pain and agony -- synonyms like
    these that have plagued man for generations are explained by R.
    Mordechai. In surprisingly simple sentences, he describes how our lives
    interconnect, how world events are governed by Hashgochoh, and how to
    make a fortune investing in soybean futures. With a mixture of wit,
    warmth and erudition, R. Mordechai shines a halogen light into the
    darkness of life. He illuminates the daily kindnesses of Hashem, the
    ever-present touch of the Divine thumb on the deli scale of history. More
    importantly, R. Mordechai reminds us what Hashem really wants from us:
    dedicating ourselves to Torah living, reaching out to the less fortunate,
    wearing felt hats with wide brims.

    What makes this work truly memorable is the stories. R. Mordechai has an
    endless trove of moving, relatively truthful stories. For example, R.
    Mordechai tells the heartbreaking tale of a young girl named Sora Miriam,
    who loves to ice skate. When it becomes clear that her skating would
    conflict with her responsibilities as a frum girl, she bravely abandons
    Yiddishkeit and moves to Utah to train with an Olympic coach. Sora
    Miriam, now known as Shana Marie, performs well in her first competition,
    only to be bested by a young Asian skater named Mikudesheth Li. After a
    brief modeling career, Sora/Shana realizes her error and returns home,
    where her loving parents have waited for her, patiently renting out her
    bedroom in her absence. Happily, she rejoins her family, marries a young
    kollelnik named Feuchtwanger, and develops an incredible recipe for
    avocado kugel. As luck would have it, though, Sora's own daughter,
    Devoyri, changes her name to Dorothy, marries Steve Hamill, and becomes
    the best-known U.S. figure skater of the twentieth century.

    Enhancing R. Mordechai's inspiring stories are beautiful color
    illustrations and a handsome, faux leather binding. Available with or
    without an accompanying CD (featuring Peggy Lee), the book is an ideal
    Bar or Bas Mitzvah gift and is sure to please everyone in the family with
    a fourth grade reading level or below.

    Books Briefly Noted


    A Summary of New and Noteworthy Jewish Fiction and Non-Fiction

    Problems with Contemporary Halakhists Volume III. A nationally
    recognized authority on Jewish law analyzes a host of contemporary
    halakhic issues including: employing a gentile to brush one's teeth on
    Shabbat, living next door to a house with a television antenna, and the
    required height for a mechitzah at one's Shabbat table. Also discussed:
    whether someone seen eating broccoli remains kasher le-edut, and the
    halakhic considerations that apply to the purchase of a sport utility
    vehicle. In a special appendix, the author lucidly describes the process
    of pesak, demonstrating the need for objectivity and sensitivity and
    explaining why his own rulings are inevitably correct.

    The New Jewish Way in Dating and Marriage. A practical guide to the
    contemporary search for a shidduch. Features a letter written by a
    prominent Gadol on choosing a mate: -The Eternal Question: Yichus or Hard
    Assets?- In-depth chapters describe how to build a gold-plated rsum,
    manufacture a stellar family tree, and touch up old wedding photos.
    Practical sections include nineteen arguments why kollel is essential to
    the survival of Am Yisroel, fashion hints, and a comprehensive glossary
    of yiddishisms (-Mastering Yeshivonics-). Chapters for parents include
    twenty-five intimidating questions on sugyos in Menachos and tips on
    accessing the credit and tax records of prospective in-laws.

    Shver Jordan. In this futuristic novel, a legendary basketball player
    becomes a rosh yeshivah. His charisma quickly wins him a substantial
    following, until someone realizes that he cannot read Aramaic and thinks
    -Tosfos- is a brand of linoleum. As the yeshivah's fortunes start to
    sink, a loyal student suggests a benefit concert. All of the superstars
    of Jewish music agree to perform, with their beards. A new song,
    -Rappin' with the Rogotchover- is introduced and goes on to become a
    wedding and bar mitzvah standard. The successful concert saves the
    yeshivah, but Rav Jordan decides to return to sports, moves to Milan and
    joins a basketball team sponsored by Ragu.

    The Real Halakhic Man. A stunning reevaluation of the life and thought
    of Rabbi Joseph B. Soloveitchik. Based on unconfirmed rumors, the author
    reveals that the Rav mistakenly wandered into the University of Berlin
    while searching for a bakery that sold yoshon bagels. Not wanting to
    offend the university personnel, the Rav politely agreed to enroll as a
    student for six years and write a dissertation on neo-Kantian philosophy.
    This reluctance to offend others was a hallmark of the Rav's patient and
    gentle personality. For instance, prior to establishing the Maimonides
    School in Boston, a prospective parent asked the Rav if the school would
    be co-ed. The Rav (who naturally never considered the option), assumed
    the questioner said -ka-ed,- i.e., like a witness testifying to the emes
    of Torah, and said, -Yes.- Rather than risk embarrassing a fellow Jew,
    the Rav permitted the school to teach boys and girls together.

    Another revelation relates to the Rav's involvement with Mizrachi as
    honorary president of Religious Zionists of America. The author explains
    that the Rav's affiliation did not signify agreement with religious
    Zionist ideology, but a subtle strategy to persuade Mizrachi to merge
    with Agudath Israel or, at least, change its name to -Rejecters of
    Zionism of America.- Indeed, for most of his life the Rav chose not to
    travel to Israel in silent protest of the existence of a secular Israeli
    government. Interestingly, in the 1970's, the Rav planned a late
    November visit to the Holy Land, but missed his flight when his
    Thanksgiving dinner ran late.

    A Man in Shul. This satirical novel follows the vain attempts of a
    Southern Jew to find a shul in which he can daven undisturbed by talk of
    sports scores and stock prices. In one memorable episode, he feigns
    deafness; but the talkative neighbor, instead of falling silent,
    initiates a conversation with another person, in which he loudly comments
    on the hero's bad haircut, ugly tie and unattractive wife. A few
    chapters later, the protagonist is dragged against his will to a -kiddush
    club- by an amiable surgeon who cheerfully insists, -We need a minyan to
    drink bourbon.- In the unrealistic conclusion, the hero finds a quiet
    Young Israel in Queens.

    The Toaster in Jewish Law. A long overdue study of the halakhic issues
    relating to the electric toaster, complete with 73 color illustrations.
    Written by a respected member of an obscure kollel, the book analyzes the
    prohibitions of using a toaster on Shabbos, the procedures for kashering
    a toaster and cleaning it for Pesach, and recommendations for using a
    toaster to bake matzoh, heat the kitchen or dry wet laundry. Separate
    sections discuss the toaster/oven and how to make toast in the wilderness
    with a hanger, dental floss, and a can of hairspray.

    By the Grace of Hashem. A riveting, true-life story detailing the
    miraculous rescue of a middle-aged mother of five from a riot at
    Loehmann's. On March 9, 1989, a fight broke out in the petites section
    between two women over a marked-down Donna Karan business suit. This
    sparked a melee that spread throughout the mall. One hundred twelve
    people were taken to the hospital and twenty-four others converted to
    Buddhism. In the end, criminal charges were filed, but only against a
    nine-year old boy who witnessed the entire riot, videotaped it and
    broadcast the film on a cable television channel operated by his older
    brother from a high school locker. The author, who had gone shopping for
    an engagement dress for her daughter (still single, but very warm and
    outgoing!), avoided injury by climbing through an air duct into the
    ventilation system of the building. Wedged in by her purse, she was
    stuck for four days, subsisting on breath mints and a weeks-old
    tangerine. Finally, she was discovered by a well-meaning cat burglar who
    drove her back to her home in time to catch a re-run of the evening news
    from 1973. Her husband, a Chassidisher rebbe, had despaired of seeing
    his beloved wife again, so he moved the family to Sacramento and opened
    up a combination kosher pizza shop and shtiebel, called -Fress and
    Bless.-

    Tzaddik in a Peltz: Exorbitant Wealth as the Path to Shomayim. This
    groundbreaking work persuasively argues that Hashem wants all of us to
    own a six-bedroom house in Lawrence with a pool. The author, a
    well-known stock broker and letz, provides a historical overview
    describing a long list of wealthy tzaddikim from Avraham Avinu to the
    Reichmans. He notes that the Hebrew word for wealth, osher (with an
    ayin) is almost identical to the Hebrew word for happiness, osher (with
    an alef) and the Hebrew word for uprightness, yosher. An extensive
    halakhic section cites numerous Gedolim who praise material
    gratification, self-indulgence and the mindless acquisition of property.
    In an innovative passage, he explains that the statement of Chazal,
    -Marbeh nechasim, marbeh da'agah -- One who increases possessions,
    increases worry,- actually means that when you acquire possessions, it
    increases your neighbor's worry, because he now has to go out and buy
    something better. Chapters include: -Evading Meshulochim -- Delay,
    Denial and Ducking Out of Sight,- -Is the World Ready for Designer
    Tefillin?- and -The Six Figure Wedding: Because You're Worth It.-

    Fatterstill Halls. A novel set in a girls' seminary in Israel, this
    absorbing story follows a diverse group of twenty-nine American girls who
    come to Israel with a combined total of 847 pairs of shoes and spend a
    year learning about life, Torah and the guilty pleasures of Bamba dipped
    in chocolate spread. By striking coincidence, all but two of the girls
    are named Aviva. They develop a close relationship with their madrichah,
    a twenty-four year old named Chaviva, who keeps telling the girls that,
    before making a decision, they should ask themselves, -Think: what would
    the Maharal have done?- In the middle of the year, Chaviva gets engaged,
    but her parents oppose the match because her fianc's name is Ido.
    During the novel's climax, Aviva, the intellectual of the group, has a
    spiritual experience at the Kotel and decides to make aliyah, unless she
    first meets a nice guy from Englewood who has been accepted to Columbia
    Law School.

    Conversations with G-d, Book 3. A long-time confidante of the
    Lubavitcher Rebbe looks back on his weekly meetings with the King
    Moshiach.

    Nu? I'm Tired of Waiting! A well-known Orthodox feminist shares her
    hopes, fears and frustrations over a lifetime of struggle to transform
    Orthodoxy into Conservative Judaism. Speaking of her ambition to be an
    Orthodox rabbi, she writes, -I've always dreamed of standing and begging
    the congregation for silence in shul or watching my baal ha-batim fall
    asleep during my derashah.- She writes of her reverence for tradition
    and her desire to undermine it. In a stirring passage, she speaks of
    following in the footsteps of her heroines: Joan of Arc, George Eliot and
    Aunt Sadie. (In 1963, Aunt Sadie walked out on Uncle Myron for writing a
    poem about her entitled, -Servile Sadie, My Favorite Lady.-) Looking to
    the future, the author predicts that the laws of taharat ha-mishpachah
    will be updated, such that all married women will be required to make a
    monthly visit to the manicurist.


    Katz in the Sheitel. The light-hearted story of Elana Katz, a young
    corporate lawyer in New York who heaves her briefcase into the Hudson
    River and becomes a full-time sheitelmacher. She soon discovers an
    untapped market for European virgin human hair sheitlach and popularizes
    a new wig design modeled after Marilyn Monroe's hairstyle called the
    -Rollin' Rebbitzen.- The style is an instant smash, and Elana opens
    salons in Brooklyn, Bnei Brak and Baton Rouge. With the help of her
    husband, a computer programmer, they launch the Kimchis Kollel, dedicated
    exclusively to the study of Gemara Sotah. Years, but not months, pass.
    At the suggestion of a prominent Gadol, the sheitel business is sold to
    Merrill Lynch which merges it with a company that sells flavored seltzer
    on the Internet. Without a business to run, Elana retires and dedicates
    herself full-time to criticizing the housekeeping skills of her
    daughter-in-law.


    Triumph of Destiny of Survival. A sweeping history of the Jewish people
    told from the perspective of a twenty-seven year old accountant named
    Kasriel. Skipping back and forth between centuries, weaving midrashim,
    limericks and legends into each story, the book spins an entertaining
    though fictitious narrative, starting from Adam ha-Rishon and concluding
    with the 1974 laying of the cornerstone of Young Israel of Avenue J.
    Highlights include a retelling of the Bilam story from the perspective of
    the donkey and an eyewitness account of the Golem of Prague tackling an
    anti-Semite and removing most of his cardiovascular system. Sadly, the
    author does engage in historical revisionism, arguing that R. Shimshon
    Raphael Hirsch spoke Mandarin Chinese and claiming that the Mesillas
    Yesharim was written by the author's father-in-law. Lavishly
    illustrated, the book includes a reproduction of the invitation to the
    wedding of R. Saadia Gaon and a photograph of the Vilna Gaon's tefillin
    mirror.










    Comments

    Jewish Candy


    Q: What's a Jew's favorite candy?




    A: Mazel-toffee










    Comments

    Jewish Food?

    A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a
    posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat
    with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"

    "Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."

    "No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked
    salmon."

    "Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."

    "Anything else?"

    "Yes, a dozen blintzes."

    "No. No. You mean crepes."

    "Okay, a dozen crepes."

    "Anything else?"

    "Yes. A pound of chopped liver."

    "No. No. You mean pate."

    "Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added,
    "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."

    "Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on
    Shabbos!"









    Comments


    Jewish Football Player

    A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the
    end of the season, he returned home. As luck would have it, he ran into
    his Rabbi at the airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert
    you at South Bend?"

    The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"









    Comments

    A Jewish Grandmother's 21 Steps To the Proper Preparation of
    Gefilte Fish


    Two weeks before a major Jewish holiday, call your daughter and ask her what she plans to serve at the festive meal. Express your outrage when she suggests serving doctored up canned gefilte fish. Offer to make the fish yourself.

    Suggest that your daughter take a day off from work so that she can watch you make the fish, so she'll know how to do it for her kids after she has put you in The Home. Two days before the holiday, call your daughter and tell her that you hate to disappoint her but you simply don't have the strength to make gefilte fish.

    While your daughter is racing all over looking for a substitute appetizer, get all dressed up and take a bus...and a subway...and another bus...

    ...to an obscure fish store in a slum where they still sell LIVE CARP.

    Examine the carp swimming in the fish tank. Ask the owner if any fresher carp will be arriving soon.

    On principle, reject the first two fish that he offers you.

    Accept the third or fourth. Allow him to fillet and skin the carp but NEVER let him put your fish near his electric grinder. Far be it from you to accuse someone unjustly, but you know he has ground dead carp in it.

    Lugging three heavy shopping bags filled with fish, take three buses home, unless someone has told you about a way of taking four.

    Call your daughter and tell her that you felt a little bit better and decided to go to your special fish store to pick up the carp. You know how busy she is right before the holidays so you didn't want to ask her to drive all the way out there.

    Tell her how exhausted you are and describe in detail the assassin who tried to steal your pocketbook as you were boarding the second bus. Inquire whether your daughter would mind picking you up. You normally wouldn't ask but it's much easier to make the gefilte fish in her kitchen because she has all the latest electric gadgets.

    Remove several washed mixing bowls from your daughter's dishwasher and then rinse them to make sure they are clean.

    There should be a separate bowl for each ingredient so that dirt from the carrots will not get on the celery. Put the diced carrots in one bowl, the sliced celery in the second, the chopped onions in the third and then combine them all in a fourth bowl. Ask your daughter to stop whatever she is doing and come and watch you.

    Eye your daughter's food processor with suspicion. Ask her to help you operate it. Chop the carp in it for 15 seconds, then move all the ingredients into your ancient wooden chopping bowl.

    Rev up those Hadassah arms and attack the ingredients with a dull bladed hockmesser for 90 minutes. Demand that your daughter acknowledge the superiority of your withered arm over a horsepower motor.

    Place your hand on your chest and moan. Accept your daughter's offer to help. Give her the bowl and the hockmesser.

    Twelve seconds later, snatch the bowl and chopper out of your daughter's hands. Tell her to watch carefully so she'll be more of a help next year. Pulverize the fish with your chopper for another 52 minutes.

    On the bottom of a cast-iron pot with a non-matching lid (rescued by your mother during a pogrom and brought in steerage to America), arrange slices of carrots, onions, celery, fish heads, skin and bones.

    Form the chopped fish mush into oval patties and lay them gently on top of the ingredients in the pot.

    Add liquid and seasonings, bring the pot to a boil, lower to simmer, cover the pot and let the fish cook until they're ready and taste good...but not as good as last year's.

    After the patties cool, arrange them on a beautiful serving platter for your daughter and her guests. Dump the heads, skin and bones in a chipped bowl for yourself. Practice saying that the heads and the bones are the tastiest portions until you sound convincing.











    Comments

    A Jewish Guide to Shoveling Snow
    By Jordan Max



    Last year, in Toronto, we had a lot of snow. I spent many
    hours shoveling snow. Shoveling snow is boring work, and
    after a while a mind tends to wander. So I resolved that
    this year I would be prepared with lots to think about. I
    researched and sent letters to key Jewish figures, polling
    them for their keen insight on shoveling snow. Their
    responses:

    Ariel Sharon - "The important thing is to shovel the
    entire width and breadth of the driveway, regardless of
    what anyone else thinks."

    Ehud Barak - "You must shovel most of the driveway, but
    the exact dimensions of shoveling will be determined in
    discussions with our neighbors. No wait, you can shovel
    only in places where snow had previously fallen, but you
    cannot shovel in places where no snow had fallen - wait,
    don't do any shoveling until you hear from me!"

    Yossi Sarid - "You should not shovel any part of the
    driveway, since you really do not have any valid
    historical or legal claim to the driveway, and it will
    soon be given back to its rightful owners."

    Artscroll Hilchos Sheleg ("Laws Regarding Snow; Ashkenaz
    version, chapter 5) - "First approach the snow with the
    proper kavanah, meditating on the concept of snow removal.
    Recite the "...Who commanded us concerning the shoveling
    of snow" benediction," then take three steps back, bend
    the knees slightly with feet together, then look at the
    snow, lift shovel and dig, turning right and then left,
    bend knees fully, take three steps forward and deposit
    snow deliberately. Repeat until done, then recite the
    Sheheheyanu benediction, go indoors and have a hot drink,
    remembering to say the Shehakol brocha (see Artscroll
    Hilchos on Drinking Hot Liquids)..."

    Tikkun Magazine - "What right do we have to violently take
    snow from its rightful resting place? Snow has rights:
    each snowflake is a unique individual, and we have
    absolutely no right to do anything with it. Let the snow
    decide for itself what it wishes to do, and then if it
    wishes to be shoveled, do so humanely."

    Rashi - "Snow, this is a form of solid precipitation that
    clings to one's beard if you remain outside too long in
    the winter season. (Old French: neige).
    Shoveling is a Rabbinic precept, based on the verse in
    Isaiah 1:18 - "If your sins be like scarlet, they will
    turn as white as snows"

    Birthright Israel - "It does not matter how the shoveling
    is done, but the very act of Jewish teenagers shoveling
    snow for ten consecutive days, under proper supervision,
    will have a lifelong impact on Jewish identity."

    Meir Ben-Meir (Israeli Water Commissioner) - "Just shovel
    the snow as fast as you can, and ship it here. We are
    running out of water fast! Is anyone listening to me?"

    Rabbi David Hartman - "Snow is a potent force in the world
    which unites all Jews. It falls on us all,regardless of
    religious denomination and belief, and is therefore
    instrumental in our understanding of Jewish unity and
    diversity. In fact, just this week, I was explaining
    the significance of snow to the Prime Minister, President
    Weizman, President Clinton, and His Holiness the Pope, who
    had asked my opinion."

    The Late Lubavitcher Rebbe (from an epistle to a
    disciple) - "Shoveling snow is a distraction from our
    efforts to bring Moshiach, may He come soon, when in any
    case there will be no snow to shovel. So leave it and let
    it melt. If the Messiah does not come by Shavuos, the snow
    will have miraculously disappeared anyway."

    Now, if I could just find my boots.










    Comments

    5759 Year according to Jewish calendar; 4696 Year according to Chinese calendar;
    1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food.
    What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?
    "Is anything all right?"
    How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    (Sigh) Oh, don't bother. I'll just sit here in the dark.
    Sam Levy was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back." Sam replies, "Thank god for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf! "
    Short summary of every Jewish Holiday:
    "They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat."
    Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself", she replied.
    What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish Mother?
    Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
    A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, "Mom, I'm bringing home a wonderful woman I want to marry. She's a Native American and her name is Shooting Star."
    "How nice," says his mother.
    "I have an Indian name too," he says. "It's Running Water" and you have to call me that from now on."
    "How nice," says his mother.
    "You have to have an Indian name too, Mom," he says.
    "I already do," says the mother. "Just call me Sitting Shiva."
    A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
    "Not too good," says the mother. "I've been very weak."
    The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
    She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
    The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
    The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
    You've heard about the big controversy on when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.
    A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.
    "Wonderful. What part is it?"
    The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
    The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
    Jewish telegram:
    "Begin worrying. Details to follow."

    A Jewish Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar and announces that his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 20 pounds which even for a Texan is atypical. Congratulations shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the Texas baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is he doing? What does he weigh now?"
    The proud father answers, "Fifteen pounds."
    The bartender is both puzzled and concerned. "Why? What happened? He already weighed 20 pounds at birth. How is it he lost so much weight?"
    The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had the bris."
    One Saturday morning on Memorial Day weekend, the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning David."
    "Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young boy, still focused on the plaque. "Rabbi, what is this?"
    "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday morning?"
    It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled. As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
    The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
    "That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."
    "Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.
    "What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
    Comments

    Lost & Found Wallet


    A poor Jew finds a wallet with seven hundred dollars. At his shul he reads a notice stating that a wealth Jew has lost his wallet and is offering a fifty dollar reward to anyone who returns it.

    Quickly he locates the owner giving him the wallet. The rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward."

    The poor man responds, "What are you talking about?"

    The wealthy Jew continues, "This wallet had seven hundred and fifty dollars in it when I lost it."

    The two men begin arguing, and eventually they come before the community rav.

    Both men present their case. the poor man first then the wealthy man who concludes by saying, Rabbi, "I trust you believe me.:

    The rabbi says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated. Then the rabbi take the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it.

    "What are you doing?!" the rich man yells angrily.

    The rabbi responds, "You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet have seven hundred and fifty dollars in it, I'm sure it did. But if the man who found this wallet is a lair and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all. Which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money. Otherwise, it stays with the man who found it."

    "What about my money?" the rich man asks.

    "Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds a wallet with seven hundred and fifty dollars in it!"










    Comments

    Not-So-Famous Jewish Movies



    Gonif with the Wind: a thief tries to acquire ownership of Tara
    through a forged deed.

    The Putzman Rings Twice: a mohel murder mystery

    Schnorer Rae: a freeloader tries to get in on the union movement

    Balaboosta Cockburn: John Wayne's wife memorizes Grossinger
    cookbook

    The Good, the Chabbad, and the Ugly: a kosher noodle western

    Moby Dreck: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong end of the whale

    The Cincinnati Yid: Steve McQueen uses some of his poker winnings
    to start a reform congregation

    Litvak Big Man: Dustin Hoffman learns that his parents are an
    American Indian and a Lithuanian immigrant

    Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kibbitzer: Paul Newman and Robert
    Redford do some standup shtick while they rob their victims

    Bridge over the River Kvetch: The extras complain that
    whistlingthe theme song dries out their mouth and hurts their lips

    The Creature from the Black Latke: an overdone potato pancake
    turns into a monster

    Mamza Poppins: a talented nanny has questions about her birth
    legitimacy

    The Matzo Candidate: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed into thinking
    it's always Passover

    Mister Schnapps Goes to Washington: Jimmy Stewart thinks he's
    stillfilming Harvey

    Driedls of the Lost Ark: Harrison Ford plays Chanukah games

    Aleph Doesn't Live Here Anymore: neither the waitress nor the
    old Hebrew school can be found

    Borscht-time for Bonzo: Ronald Regan tries to train an Ashkenazy
    monkey

    Singing in the Ch'rain: Gene Kelly gets horseradish on his
    umbrella











    Comments

    Jewish Non-Alcoholics


    Jews don't drink. it interferes with their suffering.











    Comments

    Jewish Oscars 5760 (March 2000)

    Getting the jump on the Oscars this weekend are the "Irvings", awarded
    for excellence in Jewish movies this week in Miami Beach at the Rascal
    House. The Early Bird will be canceled that night.

    The following have been nominated:

    The Six Cents: 3 Jews each put in their 2 cents worth

    Goy Story 2: Jewish man divorces a shiksa, marries another

    Isn't She Gevaldik: Yeshiva boys read Jacqueline Susann
    Supernova: Space scientists discover powerful strains of lox

    Snow Falling on Seders: Unexpected storm disrupts Passover

    Angela's Kashas: Woman reveals secret recipe

    Girls, Interrupted: Women's section of shul shushed during davening

    Stuart Ladle: Mouse makes chicken soup on Shabbos

    The Seder House Rules: Zadie lays down the law on Pesach

    The Talmudic Mr. Ripley: Believe it or not, he knows gemorah











    Comments

    Jewish Pokemon Characters


    Gefilte

    Shmegege
    Meshugeneh Zach
    Pick-a-Jew
    Yahrtzeits
    The blech
    Plagamincha
    Shabbos Guy
    Shucklepuff
    tziztzisaurus










    Comments

    A Punny Riddle

    This old classic concerns a Jewish religious leader
    who has a secret cemetery in his backyard for a
    certain portion of his pets' bodies.












    [scroll down]
























    "The Cantor Buries Tails"













    Comments

    You might be a Jewish Redneck if ...
    By Terry Kleger

    Your favorite foods are Gefilte Fish and Grits.

    You think Dolly Parton should have had the lead role in Yentl.

    You can't decide what to do when Yom Kippur and the first day
    of hunting season fall on the same day.

    You keep writing to the Grand Ol' Opry for Fiddler On The Roof
    tickets.

    When the Rabbi announces that a pick-up truck is blocking the
    driveway, everyone looks towards you.

    You wear Cowboy Boots to your son's Bar Mitzvah.

    You do all your Chanukah shopping at yard sales and flea markets.

    Despite traditional Jewish emphasis on higher education, you never
    pursued your G.E.D.

    You want to move your work to another station in life - from
    Shell to Exxon.

    For safekeeping you leave your NRA Membership Card in your
    tallis bag.

    You look for "Thank G-d I'm A Country Boy" in your synagogue
    prayer book.

    Your favorite Passover snack is Spam on matzah.

    You think a mitzvoh is a Japanese car.

    You can't believe the K-Mart 'BlueLight' Specials you got your
    daughter for her Bat Mitzvah.

    You're still looking for "Hava Nagila" by Elvis.

    You're disappointed when your son tells you he wants to be a
    doctor or a lawyer and not a NASCAR driver.

    Your Chanukah decorations include a Star Of David hanging from a
    plastic Pink Flamingo.

    You feed your Hound Dogs corned beef scraps.(mw)

    You have a Menorah tatooed on your chest.

    Your favorite fast food is a BLT- Bacon, Lox, and Tomato sandwich.

    You have a SkullCAP And Crossbones insignia on your motorcycle
    jacket.

    You break Yom Kippur fast at your favorite truck stop.

    You invite the Rabbi to give the invocation at the next Mudhop.

    You joined a "Conservative" congregation because you like Jerry
    Falwell.

    You ask your synagogue's Cultural Appreciation Committe to
    organize a bus trip to West Virginia.

    Your Hebrew vocabulary consists of all the curse worlds used by
    Israeli sailors.

    You think your synagogue services should conclude with Hatikva and
    Dixie.

    You're offended when asked to check your gun at the synagogue
    office before entering the sanctuary.











    Comments

    Sailing


    If all the midgets came over on shrimp boats then how did the Jews come
    over?

    Yiddle by Yiddle...













    Comments

    Jewish Clothing


    Q: What's a Jewish sweater?
    A: It's what a Jewish child wears when his mother is cold.












    Comments

    Jewish Time



    To help their congregation better cope with modern times, one
    local synagogue decided to offer a course in time management.

    A member telephoned and asked the Rabbi what time it started.

    He replied, "Oh... fivish, sixish."











    Comments

    Jewish or Goyish


    I'm Jewish, Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie
    Cantor's goyish. B'nai Brith is goyish, Hadassah is Jewish.

    If you live in New York or any other big city, you are Jewish. It
    doesn't matter, even if you are Catholic; if you live in New York
    City you are Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going
    to be goyish even if you are Jewish.

    Kool-Aid is goyish. Evaporated milk is goyish even if Jews invented
    it. Chocolate is Jewish and fudge is goyish. Fruit salad is Jewish.
    Lime Jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish.

    All Drake's cakes are goyish. Pumpernickle is Jewish and as you know
    white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes, goyish. Black cherry
    soda's very Jewish, macaroons are very Jewish.

    Negroes are all Jew's. Italians are all Jews. Irishmen who have
    rejected their religion are Jews. Mouths are very Jewish. And Bosoms.
    Baton twirling is very goyish.

    Underwear is definately goyish. Celebrate is a goyish word. Observe is
    a Jewish word. Mr. and Mrs. Walsh are celebrating Christmas with Major
    Thomas Moreland, USAF(Ret) while Mr. and Mrs. Bromberg observed Hanukkah
    with Goldie and Arthur Schindler from Kiaamesha, New York.











    Comments

    Optimism?!?!?!?!
    Q: How can you tell that Jewish people are the most optimistic people in the
    world?
    A: They cut it before knowing the final size!











    Comments

    Smoking and Judaism



    The real real difference between the different branches of Judaism
    may be seen in the response to a rabbinical ruling outlawing smoking
    on the basis of pikuah nefesh. [saving a life]

    Reform Jews would ignore the ruling and go on smoking as the ruling
    is not binding upon them.

    Conservative Jews would stop smoking, but only at home.

    Orthodox Jews would sell their lungs to goyim.












    Comments

    Jewish Grammar Rules


    Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks
    gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"

    Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another
    question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"

    Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the
    other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or
    what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?" (About
    now, a spontaneous rendition of "Sunrise, Sunset" should be expected.)

    Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good
    enough for you?"

    Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect
    object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go
    with" (drop "you").

    Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that
    Esther?"

    Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating
    that Norman fellow?"

    Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the
    listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the
    Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't
    eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?")


    Vocabulary:


    Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for
    neurotic.

    Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone
    mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus
    ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started.

    "Sch--", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac
    schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"

    Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking
    Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the
    sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the
    same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.

    Schmuck--Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a
    "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"

    Schmoe--See schmuck.

    Schmata--Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that
    Esther?"

    Schmaltz--Literally means chicken fat, but when used in
    conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a
    schmaltzy ending?"

    Just because Jews are asking questions, doesn't mean they're going to
    wait around for an answer. If you've got something to say, speak up.
    Jump right in there with a hearty, "What, are you crazed? That's not
    the way to fix a leaky faucet!" (You will never use this phrase,
    however, since Jews do not do home or car repairs.)

    Interrupt often. It shows that you are interested in the conversation.
    If you're talking and Jews don't interrupt, they're bored.

    Practice Question:
    You're on the freeway, when a sports car speeds past you, weaves
    between cars and drives recklessly. Your Jewish passenger asks, "Who
    gave that maniac a driver's license?" Wrong answer: "In the 1950s, the
    United States made an economic decision to encourage automobile
    ownership over public transportation to support the automotive
    industry which created jobs and stimulated the economy. Ever since,
    most anyone can get a driver's license." Correct answer: "Morons."

    Gentiles can also profit from learning the nuances of Hebonics.When
    shopping in the garment district, a Jewish shop owner may seem insulted
    at your low ball offer on merchandise. He may shout, "What, I'm the
    schmuck who shouldn't feed his children?" The untrained Gentile
    simply cannot translate this phrase to its true meaning, "Let the
    negotiations begin."












    Comments

    Hilkhot Listserve
    (Jewish Laws of E-mail Postings)




    Internet Torah:
    And thou shall never repeat all that you heard just to concur or disagree,
    or my wrath will be severe unto the third generation, yea, my wrath shall
    be great.

    Rashi:
    Kema shene'emar, 'all that you heard' - This means never quote an entire
    usenet newsgroup message, including headers. Rather, just add a few
    lines of your own.

    Rambam:
    It is a precept not to waste bandwidth.This teaches us the value of
    brevity. All those who know this, yet waste bandwidth despite this well
    known fact, are ignoramuses and are not to be trusted.

    R. Yosef Caro:
    One must quote the name and date, but must never quote the Internet
    transmission path, except on HoShannah Rabbah. One must always quote the
    relevant part of the message, and have it spaced five characters to the
    right. It is strictly forbidden to quote more than you write. It is
    strictly forbidden to write less than 60 character lines. Writing lines
    that are over 80 characters results in herem.

    R. Moses Isserles' Mappah:
    One can be lenient on line character length if it is denoted as being
    an HTML file. It is well known that German Jews have the halakhically
    acceptable custom of never writing lines _under_ 80 characters in
    length, but other Ashkenazim should avoid this.










    Comments


    The Jewish Laws of Television
    by Eli D. Clark



    Author's Preface: This book must not be used as a guide to practical Halochoh.
    I am not a qualified posek. I failed my CPA exam. I do not even have a
    driver's license. The sole purpose of this work is to provide a basic
    understanding of the halochic issues relating to owning and using the
    television, and to convince my father-in-law that it was worth supporting me
    in kollel for the last 23 years. All halochic questions should be brought to
    a reader's local, qualified machmir. I want to acknowledge my gratitude to
    Hashem Yisborach, to my wife Chashie, to my children Bini, Pini, Minnie,
    Mashie, Bashie, Rashie, Ushi, Chushi and Harold. And to the one who instilled
    in me the love of television, Captain Kangaroo.


    Definition of Television
    The Halochoh defines television as any instrument which receives an
    audio and video signal, with a screen to display the video
    transmission and a speaker to amplify the sound. According to Rav
    Hai Gaon, an electrical supply is part of the definition of
    television (a so-called Hai-Definition television).
    The Urim V'Tumim is believed to have resembled a television, though
    it appears to have lacked a remote.
    The Medrash says that Odom Harishon knew everything, obviously
    including how to invent a television.
    In the days of Moshiach, everyone who wants a television will own one,
    there will be no commercials, and all weather forecasts will be accurate.


    Owning a Television
    It is an Issur D'Oraisa to own a television according to most
    authorities. Some say it is an Issur D'Rabbonon. All agree that
    owning a television involves almost as many Issurim as speaking
    Loshon Hora.
    Owning a television that is broken is permitted, provided the insides
    have been removed, replaced with potting soil, and the television is
    used as a planter. A Ba'al Nefesh will refrain from this practice.
    One who borrows a television for more than thirty days is considered as
    one who owns it, even if it is later returned. Any loan of a
    television is canceled at the Yovel, along with magical objects, under
    the principle of Shemitos Keshafim. This principle will not apply on
    New Years' Day to a television tuned to the Pros Bowl.

    Getting Benefit (Hano'oh) from Television
    It is prohibited to derive benefit from television. Don't even think
    about it.

    The Laws of B'rochos
    It is required to recite a Shehechiyonu on a new television, some say at
    the time of purchase, some say at the time of watching it for the first
    time, some say at the first time of watching an entertaining and popular
    program that is not interrupted every five minutes by annoying
    commercials featuring furry animals, cute children or a talking carton
    of milk.
    When hearing a B'rocho recited on television, one should respond "Omen,"
    although this does not fulfill an obligation. When the B'rocho is
    recited by a Goyische actor with a lousy Hebrew accent, one should
    snicker derisively.


    The Laws of Kashrus
    One should not eat meat while dairy products are being advertised on
    television, lest one come to mix the two. It is preferable to wait
    six hours before watching a dairy advertisement. However, if the
    advertisement appears in between two non-dairy advertisements, it is
    considered Bottel B'Rov, unless the ad includes Tommy Lasorda or
    Tommy Lee Jones (in which case it is Nosen Tom).
    After eating meat, a pregnant woman with a craving for ice cream may
    watch an advertisement for Haagen-Daczs, but only if the reception is
    fuzzy.
    One should not eat dairy while meat products are being advertised on
    television, unless one has just brushed one's teeth. An intervening
    toothpaste or mouthwash ad is also acceptable.
    It is forbidden to derive Hano'oh from an advertisement for
    Bosor B'Cholov, such as a ch-seburger. When such an advertisement
    begins, one should immediately cover one's face, turn off the
    television and recite some Tehillim.

    The Laws of Tefiloh
    It is forbidden to postpone prayer in order to watch a program on
    television. However, if one is already engaged in watching a program,
    in Eretz Yisroel you may delay prayer until the program is finished,
    while in Chutz Lo'Oretz you may delay until the first commercial.
    It is permitted to Daven B'Yechidus in order to catch one's favorite
    sitcom, but only on Thursday nights.
    When one's television is broken, one should pray for its speedy repair.
    It is permissible to engage in Hishtadlus and call a repairman.
    In the event the repairman actually shows up, it is proper to recite
    the B'rocho of She'Osoh Nissim.

    Talking During Television Watching
    It is forbidden to engage in idle talk during a television program,
    because it would be a Hefsaik (interruption). If the speech is
    related to the watching (e.g. "Please pass the remote," or "Doesn't
    Kathie Lee Gifford make you nauseous?"), no Hefsaik occurs.
    Nevertheless, it is preferable to refrain from any speech, especially
    if the person sitting next to you threatens to "punch your lights
    out" if you say another word.
    During commercials, conversation is not considered a Hefsaik.
    Nevertheless, one who is able to refrain from talking during
    commercials should do so. The story is told about the mother of a
    famous Gadol who was asked why she merited to give birth to a Torah
    giant. She said, "I never disturbed my husband during commercials,
    and I never paid retail."

    The Laws of Shabbos
    Before Shabbos one should unplug the television and cover it with a
    velvet Challoh cover, Li'Kovod Shabbos. There is a dispute whether
    it is required that the Challoh cover be encased in plastic.
    If a young child accidentally turns on a television during Shabbos
    (Rochmonoh Lotzlon), it is vital to respond without causing
    additional Chilul Shabbos. The following things should be done
    (in order of preferability.
    If there is an Eruv, move yourself and your family into a
    neighbor's house for the duration of Shabbos.
    If there is no Eruv, one must avoid looking at the television, even
    unintentionally. Men should tip their hat brim over their eyes.
    Women should tip their sheitel forward over their eyes. Children
    should wrap long strips of cloth over their eyes.
    If this is not possible, one should seek out a Gentile and
    indirectly ask him if there is anything good to watch on Friday nights.

    The Laws of Pesach
    It is very difficult to clean a television for Pesach because of all
    the little holes in the back of the set. Therefore, many authorities
    require that one throw out one's televisions before Pesach and buy
    new ones for Pesach.
    According to R. Blumenkrantz, a television should be cleaned for Pesach
    as follows. First, remove the back of the television by unscrewing
    the screws under the sticker that warns against removing the back of
    the television. Then clean each instrument with an ammonia-based
    cleaner. Finally, to eliminate the Chometz absorbed when the
    television gets hot, the entire television set should be immersed
    in boiling hot water (Hagoloh). R. Blumenkrantz recommends
    unplugging the television first.










    Comments

    The Bank Teller



    Q: What did the Jewish Mother bank teller say to her
    customer?

    A: You never write. You never call. You only visit
    when you need money.











    Comments




    Q: What is the most common disease transmitted by
    Jewish Mothers?


    A: Guilt












    Comments

    Jewish Mother's Food Definitions


    LOX - Salty Smoked Salmon
    "If you must smoke let it be fish!"

    NOVA - Unsalted Smoked Salmon from Nova Scotia
    "I know they must mean Nova Kosher."

    BIALY - A Flat Onion Roll
    "Eat enough and you get that South Pacific syndrome BIALY HIGH."

    BLINTZ - A Jewish Crepe Stuffed with Cheese or Fruit
    "Famous in Londons World War II air raids."

    SCHMEAR - A Jewish Smear
    "So... what else would you do with cream cheese?"

    PITAS - Round Flat Bread of Eastern Origin
    "Also makes a nice frisbee for grandchildren."

    HUMUS - A Vegetable and Chick Pea Puree
    "Eat your vegetables or some day they may have to feed you through a tube."

    BAKLAVA - A Flaky Nut and Honey Pastry
    Mother says, "To me, its Greek."

    RED ZINGER - A Spicy Tea Made from Herbs, Flowers and Rose Hips
    "Roses hips - oy vay, already shes wearing an 8 way stretch girdle."

    DR. BROWNS SODA - A Cream Soda or Black Cherry Soft Drink
    "An adult substitute for mothers milk."

    BORSCHT - A Russian Beet Soup Served Cold with a Schmear Sour Cream
    "Mother sings as she stirs, "And the beet goes on."

    GEMISTE - A Mixture
    "A little of this - a schmear of that."

    LATKES - Potato Pancakes
    "With all that sour cream or applesauce - How bad could it be?"

    MATZO BALL - A Delicious Jewish Dumpling Served in Penicillin Soup
    Mother says, "Anything is improved by the addition of starch."

    PENICILLIN SOUP - Chicken of Course
    "Such a cure, we considered serving it with a hypodermic needle rather than
    a spoon."

    PLOTZ - To Pass Out
    "Also where they put you when you do the FINAL pass out."

    NOSHES - A Snack or Sliver Between Meals
    "Eating should never be restricted to the table, especially where matters of
    health are concerned."

    "SKIN AND BONES" - Anyone who weighs less than 200 pounds.

    "NICE AND HEALTHY" - Anyone who weighs more than 200 pounds.

    "JUST A SLIVER" - Any portion of food smaller than a sofa cushion.

    "FOR LATER" - A portable nosh - as in "Buy a few JEWISH MOTHER brownies on
    your way out for later."


    Comments

    Jewish Mother's Guilt



    A man called his mother in Florida.

    He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"

    She said, "Not to good. I've been very weak."

    "Why are you so weak?"

    "Because I havn't eaten in 38 days."

    "Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?" the son asked.

    His mother paused and answered, "Because i didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


    Comments

    Jewish Moms and Terrorists



    What's a difference between a Jewish mother and a terrorist?


    With the terrorist, you can negotiate the terms.












    Comments






    Q: What's the difference between a Jewish Mother and a vulture?

    A: A vulture waits until you're dead to eat your heart out!












    Comments

    Jewish Newspapers
    As told by Alan Dershowitz
    in "The Vanishing American Jew"


    There once were two Jews reading their newspapers over a cup of coffee in a
    late-nineteenth century Viennese cafe. Kurt is reading the liberal
    Yiddish-language newspaper and shaking his head from side to side, uttering
    soft moans of "Oy vey" and "Vey is meir." Shmulie is reading the
    right-wing anti-Semetic German-language tabloid and smiling.

    Kurt, noticing what Shmulie is reading, shouts at his friend, "Why are you
    reading that garbage?"

    Shmulie responds, "When I used to take your newspaper, all I would ever
    read about was Dreyfus beign falsely accused, the Jews of Russia being
    subjected to pogroms, anti-Semitic laws being enacted all over Europe, and
    the grinding poverty of the Jews in the Holy Land. Now, ever since I take
    this paper, I read about how the Jews control the banks, the press, the
    arts; how Jews hold all the political power behind the scenes; and how we
    will soon take over the world. Wouldn't you rather read such good news
    than such bad news?"











    Comments


    (#1) The dream.
    Moshe was taking to his psychiatrist.
    "I had a weird dream recently," he says. "I saw my mother but then I noticed
    she had your face. I found this so worrying that I immediately awoke and
    couldn't get back to sleep. I just stayed there thinking about it until
    7am. I got up, made myself a slice of toast and some coffee and came straight
    here. Can you please help me explain the meaning of my dream?"
    The psychiatrist kept silent for some
    time, then said, "One slice of toast and coffee? Do you call that a breakfast?"
    (#2) The beggars.
    Two beggars are sitting on the pavement
    in Ireland. One is holding a large Cross and the other a large Star of
    David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. As people walk by,
    they lift their noses at the guy holding the Star of David but drop money
    in the other guys hat. Soon one hat is nearly full whilst the other hat
    is empty.
    A priest watches and then approaches the
    men. He turns to the guy with the Star of David and says, "Don't you realize
    that this is a Christian country? You'll never get any contributions in
    this country holding a Star of David."
    The guy holding the Star of David then
    turns to the guy holding the Cross and says, "Hymie, look who's trying
    to teach us Marketing."
    (#3) Jewish film titles
    Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about
    their awful partners.
    Girls Interrupted  - Women's section
    of shul are told to be quiet during davening.
    Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the
    law on Pesach.
    Angela's Kashas  - Woman tells all
    her secret recipes.
    Supernova  - Rocket scientists discover
    powerful strain of lox.
    Dredel Will Rock  - Toy comes alive
    during Purim.
    Sleepy Halah  - It's Friday and dad
    fills up on bread then dozes off.
    Goys Don't Cry  - Rabbi explains
    why only Jews celebrate Tisha B'Av.
    Goy Story 2  - Issy divorces shiksa,
    then marries another.
    Mun on the Moon -  Astronauts find
    hamentashen filling on the moon
    Stuart Ladle -  Mouse makes chicken
    soup for shabbos.
    The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos
    finishes at 3am.
    (#4) Gourmet food.
    Harry was walking down Regent Street and
    stepped into a posh gourmet food shop.
    An impressive salesperson in a smart morning
    coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
    "Yes," replied Harry, "I would like to
    buy a pound of lox."
    "No. No," responded the dignified salesperson,
    "You mean smoked salmon."
    "OK, a pound of smoked salmon, then."
    "Anything else?"
    "Yes, a dozen blintzes."
    "No. No. You mean crepes."
    "Okay, a dozen crepes."
    "Anything else?"
    "Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
    "No. No. You mean pate."
    "Okay," said Harry, "A pound of pate then
    and I'd like you to deliver all of this to my house on Saturday."
    "Look," retorted the indignant salesperson,
    "we don't schlep on Shabbos!"
    (#5) The yiddish speaker.
    Sadie, an elderly lady, goes up to a man
    at a bus stop in Golders Green.
    She tugs on the sleeve of his coat and
    asks, "Farshtayn Yiddish?"
    The man answers, "Yes, Ich Farshtay."
    Sadie then says, "Vot Time is It?"
    (#6) Kol Nidre night.
    Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
    He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Kol
    Nidre night, but tonight Spurs are in the European Cup quarter finals.
    Rabbi, I'm a life long Spurs fan. I've got to watch the Spurs game on TV."
    Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what
    video recorders are for."
    Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape
    Kol Nidre"?
    (#7) Come & get me!
    Isaac and Sarah got married and left on
    their honeymoon. When they got back, Sarah immediately telephoned her mother
    Leah.
    "Well," said Leah, "how was the honeymoon,darling?"
    "Oh mum," Sarah replied, "the honeymoon
    was fantastic. It was so romantic, and ..and..."
    Then Sarah started to cry. "Oh mum, as
    soon as we got back, Isaac started using terrible language. He said things
    I'd never hoped to hear, all those 4-letter words. Please mum, get into
    your car now and come and take me home."
    "Calm down, darling," said Leah, "tell
    your mother what could be that awful. Don't be shy, tell me what 4-letter
    words Isaac used."
    "Please mum, I'm too embarrassed to tell
    you, they're terrible words. Just come and take me away." said Sarah.
    "But bubeleh, you must tell me, you must
    tell me what the 4-letter words were."
    Still crying, Sarah replies, "Oh mum,
    he used words like WASH, COOK, IRON, DUST, ..."
    (#8) Morris, the Samurai.
    There once was a powerful emperor who
    needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying
    he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai
    applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed
    all three.
    The emperor first asked the Japanese to
    demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little
    silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly
    dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
    The emperor then asked the Chinese to
    demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small
    pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and
    the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
    Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate
    why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and
    out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh,
    whoooooossshhh went Morris's sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing
    around the emperor.
    The emperor was very disappointed and
    asked Morris, "After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?"
    Morris replied, "A circumcision is never
    intended to kill."
    (#9) The Inland Revenue.
    Rabbi Rabinovitz  answers his phone.
    "Hello?"
    "Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?"
    "It is."
    "This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help
    us?"
    "I'll try."
    "Do you know Sam Cohen?"
    "I do."
    "Is he a member of your congregation?"
    "He is."
    "Did he donate £10,000 to the synagogue
    rebuilding fund last year?"
    "He will!"
    (#10) The convert.
    Martin Lewis converts and becomes a priest.
    He give his first Mass in front of a number
    of high ranking priests who came for the occasion. At the end of the new
    priest's sermon, a cardinal goes up to congratulate him. "Pastor Lewis,"
    he said, "That was very well done, you were just perfect. But next time,
    please don't start your sermon with, "Fellow Goyim..."
    (#11) Jewish Dictionary extracts
    AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs
    as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
    BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker.
    BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your
    mother's and dinner at your mother-in-law's.
    BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on
    the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won't be able to
    eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion
    gluttony.
    BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one's mother gives
    to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
    CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife
    at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's nappy.
    DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen
    the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly
    when.
    DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school,
    medical school, or business
    school, as seen through the eyes of parents,
    grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study
    art history when Irvine's son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient
    grounds for diskvellification.)
    DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost
    in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
    HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one
    ever learned immediately after one's Bar Mitzvah.
    HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave.
    HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass.
    IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods
    during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant.
    JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that
    one's favourite celebrity is Jewish.
    JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence
    based on talking one's way out of a tight spot.
    KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car
    pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan.
    MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are
    as good as mother used to make.
    MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo
    to bits while trying to butter it.
    MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius."
    MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths
    to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
    MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick
    and makeup stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's
    aunts and cousins at a reception.
    RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to
    Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you.
    SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish
    children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity
    celebrates Christmas.
    SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms
    salami.
    SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one's wife
    became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
    SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when
    after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
    TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one's
    lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
    TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one
    finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
    YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner
    used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret
    is safe with me," and "If you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
    YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine
    ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John,
    Curtis, Davis, or Taylor
    (#12) If Microsoft were Jewish:
    1. Your PC would shut down automatically
    on Friday evenings.
    2. Your "Start" button would be replaced
    with a "Let's go. I'm not getting any younger." button.
    3. RETRY would be replaced with "You vant
    I should try again?"
    4. When disconnecting external devices
    from your PC, instructions would say "Remove from your PC's tuchis the
    cable ".
    5. Your CD player would be labelled "Nu,
    so play my music already.".
    6. You would hear "Hava Nagila" during
    startup.
    7. SCANDISK prompts you with, "You vant
    I should fix?" message.
    8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would
    occasionally hear an "Oy Gevult."
    9. Manischewitz would advertise that its 
    "monitor cleaning solution" gets rid of the "schmutz" on your screen.
    10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, 
    your PC would go "Schloffen."
    11. All computer viruses would be cured
    with chicken soup.
    12. After your computer dies, you would
    have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
    13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning
    "Star of David" in the upper right corner.
    14. A screen saver for channukah will
    be "Flying Draidles".
    15. High capacity DVB's (digital video
    bagels) would supercede CD-ROM's
    (#13) The school teachers prize.
    Angela was nearing 60 and was in her final
    year of teaching. She was a devout Christian who missed teaching from the
    Bible. Because she was worried at how little her class knew about religion,
    Angela decided she was going to disregard the new regulations and teach
    some religion. She told her class that she would run a contest. She would
    give £50 to whoever could tell her who was the greatest man who ever
    lived.
    Immediately Moishe began to wave his hand,
    but Angela ignored him in favour of those in her Sunday school class. As
    she went around the room, Angela was disappointed with the answers she
    got. Jane, her best scholar, picked Noah because he saved all the animals.
    Others said, "I think the greatest man who ever lived was Alexander the
    Great because he conquered the whole world." and "I think it was Thomas
    Edison, because he invented the light bulb."
    Finally, she called on Moishe who still
    had his hand in the air.
    "I think the greatest man who ever lived
    was Jesus Christ." said Moishe. Angela was shocked but still gave him the
    £50 reward. As she did so, she said, "Well, Moishe, I'm very surprised
    that you should be the only one with the right answer. How come?"
    "Well, to tell you the truth," Moishe
    replied as he pocketed the money, "I think it was Moses, but business is
    business."
    (#14) The engagement.
    Ruth and Golda were walking along Hendon
    High Street.
    Ruth says, "My son Irving is getting married.
    He tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may
    have a disease called herpes.
    Golda says, "Do you have any idea what
    this herpes is, and can he catch it?"
    Ruth replies, "No, but I am just so thrilled
    to hear about Irving's engagement - it's time he settled down. As far as
    the herpes goes...who knows?"
    "Well," says Golda, "I have a very good
    medical dictionary at home. I'll look it up and call you."
    So Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls
    Ruth. "Ruth, I found it. Not to worry. It says herpes is a disease of the
    gentiles."
    (#15) The dog.
    Rivkah, a little old lady get on an El
    Al flight to Israel. She's carrying a bag, a purse and a little dog in
    a box. She sits down and puts the box on the seat next to her.
    A stewardess approaches Rivkah and says,
    "I'm sorry Madam, but you can't keep the dog here. I'll have to take it
    and put it in baggage."
    Rivkah agrees. What else can she do?
    During the flight, the stewardess looks
    in on the little dog, and Oy Gevult, the dog is dead. She informs the pilot
    who notifies Tel Aviv airport who tells the director who decides that they
    will get an other dog to replace this one. The little old lady will never
    know.
    When the plane lands and Rivkah goes to
    the baggage hall to claim her box, they bring her a box with a new dog,
    an exact replica of her old dog. "This is not my dog", Rivkah exclaims.
    "Why yes it is," the captain tells her.
    "See, it has the same markings."
    "This is not my dog", Rivkah insists.
    "How do you know this isn't your dog?"
    asks the captain.
    "My dog is dead!"
    (#16) The thinker.
    After months of negotiation, Avraham,
    a Jewish scholar from Odessa, was granted permission to visit Moscow.
    He boarded the train and sat down. At
    the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. Avraham looked at
    the young man and thought,
    This fellow doesn't look like
    a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this area.
    If he comes from this area, he must be Jewish because this is, after all,
    a Jewish area. On the other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
    I'm the only one from our area to be
    allowed to travel to Moscow.
    Wait - just outside Moscow there is
    a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to
    go there.
    But why would he be going to Samvet?
    He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there, but how
    many Jewish families are there in Samvet? Only two - the Bernsteins and
    the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting
    the Steinbergs.
    But why is he going? The Steinbergs
    have only girls, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which
    daughter did he marry?
    Sarah married that nice lawyer from
    Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be
    Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
    mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they
    have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent
    of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special
    status.
    What could it be? A doctorate from
    the University.
    At this point Avraham turns to the young man
    and said, "How do you do, Dr Kovacs?"
    "Very well, thank you, sir" answered the
    startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"
    "Oh," replied Avraham, "it was obvious".
    (#17) Seder warning.
    Medical experts from London have published
    a paper that concludes that Seder participants should not eat both chopped
    liver and choroses.
    Their research shows that if they do,
    it can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
    (#18) New cheese factory.
    Did you hear about the new facility Kraft
    Foods is building in Israel?
    Its called "Cheeses of Nazareth".
    (#19) Three Jewish Mothers
    Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a
    bench in Brent Cross shopping centre talking about (what else?) how much
    their sons love them.
    Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting
    hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th
    birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
    Minnie says,"You call that love? You know
    the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What
    a doll."
    Shirley says "That's nothing. You know
    my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst in Harley Street.
    Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
    (#20) The Priest And The Rabbi
    A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment
    on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the
    Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork...
    but have you really never ever tasted it?"
    The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied,
    "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
    The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate.
    He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate...
    but..."
    The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what
    you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
    The two continued with their reading and
    there was silence for a while.
    Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper
    and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
    (#21) The old lady.
    Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a
    crowded bus in Hendon in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front
    of a seated young girl.
    Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says
    to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
    The girl gets up and gives up the seat
    to Hetty.
    The girl then takes out a fan and starts
    to fan herself. Hetty looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
    would give me that fan."
    The girl gives Hetty her fan.
    A short while later, Hetty gets up and
    says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."
    The bus driver tells her he has to drop
    her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road.
    Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells
    the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me out here."
    The bus driver pulls over and lets Hetty
    out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it that
    you have?"
    "Chutzpah," Hetty replies.
    (#22) The last meal.
    Fabritzi, Jacques, and Abe are about to
    be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
    Fabritzi asks for a Pepperoni Pizza which
    he is served. He is then executed.
    Jacques asks for a Filet Mignon which
    he is served. He too is then promptly executed.
    Abe requests a plate of strawberries.
    "Strawberries?"
    "Yes," replies Abe, "strawberries."
    "But they are out of season."
    "So, nu, I'll wait . . . ."
    (#23) The package.
    Moishe walks into a post office to send
    a package to his wife.
    The postmaster says, "This package is
    too heavy, you'll need another stamp."
    Moishe replies, "And that should make
    it lighter?"
    (#24) More riddles.
    Q: What is the proper blessing to recite
    before logging on to the Internet?
    A: "Modem anachnu loch..."
    Q: If a doctor carries a black leather
    bag and a plumber carries a box of tools, what does a mohel carry?
    A: A bris kit.
    Q: What do you call the steaks ordered
    by ten Jewish men?
    A: Fillet minyan.
    Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece
    of matza to make a passover pizza?
    A: Matzarello
    Q: What do you call an uncircumcised Jew
    who is more than 8 days old?
    A: A girl.
    Q: What did the waiter ask the group of
    Jewish mothers?
    A: "Is anything OK?"
    Q: Where does Moshe hide money from his
    wife Sadie?
    A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take
    the change a light bulb?
    A: (Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the
    dark, I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.
    (#25) The car driver
    Cyril was driving down Hendon Road when
    he gets pulled over by a policeman.
    Walking up to Cyril's car, the policeman
    says, "I've come to tell you that your wife fell out your car some 2 miles
    back."
    Cyril replies, "Thank goodness, I thought
    I'd gone deaf."
    (#26) Are There Jews In China?
    Yitzhak and Moshe were eating in a Chinese
    restaurant in London.
    "Yitzhak," asked Moshe, "Are there any
    Jews in China?"
    "I don't know," Yitzhak replied. "Why
    don't you ask the waiter? I'd be surprised if there were no Jews in China.
    Our people are scattered everywhere."
    When the waiter came by, Moshe asked,
    "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter
    replied, and went back to the kitchen.
    The waiter returned a few minutes later
    and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
    "Are you sure?" Moshe asked.
    "I ask everyone," the waiter replied.
    "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one
    ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
    (#27) The Jewish advisor.
    There once lived a king who had an advisor
    called Hymie. The king relied so much on the wisdom of Hymie that one day
    he decided to promote him to chief advisor. But the other advisors objected.
    They said, "It's OK sitting in counsel
    with a Jew, but to allow him to boss us about would be unacceptable."
    The King accepted their argument and ordered
    Hymie to convert. Hymie had to obey the King.
    But soon after, Hymie felt great remorse
    and over the months that followed he became despondent, his health suffered
    and he grew weak.
    Finally Hymie could take it no longer
    and made a decision. He went to the king and said, "I was born a Jew and
    a Jew I will always be. So do whatever you want with me."
    The King had no idea Hymie felt so strong
    about his 'conversion'.
    "OK," said the King, "if that's how you
    feel, go be a Jew again. The other advisors will just have to live with
    it. You're too important for me to lose."
    On his way back home to tell the news
    to his family, Hymie felt the strength surge back into his body.
    When he arrived, he called out to his
    wife, "Sarah, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."
    Sarah glared at him and said, "Couldn't
    you wait until after Passover?"
    (#28) The phone call.
    Morris calls his son in New York.
    Morris says "Benny, I have something to
    tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
    you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my
    mind, I'm divorcing your mother."
    The son is shocked, and asks his father
    to tell him what happened.
    "I don't want to get into it. My mind
    is made up."
    "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce
    Mum just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"
    "It's too painful to talk about it. I
    only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really
    don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and
    tell her. It will spare me the pain."
    "But where's Mum? Can I talk to her?"
    "No, I don't want you to say anything
    to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy.
    I've agonised over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision.
    I have an appointment with my Edgware lawyer the day after tomorrow."
    "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going
    to take the first flight to London. Promise me that you won't do anything
    until I get there."
    "Well, all right, I promise. Next week
    is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call
    your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can't bear
    to talk about it anymore."
    A half hour later, Morris receives a call
    from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get
    tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at Heathrow the
    day after tomorrow.
    "Benny told me that you don't want to
    talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything
    until we both get there."
    Morris promises.
    After hanging up from his daughter, Morris
    turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, theyre coming
    for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to
    get them here Rosh Hashanah."
    (#29) Meeting with the synagogue secretary
    Sadly, slowly, Michael Cohen entered the
    synagogue.
    He trudged into the secretarys office
    and sighed, "Shmulik, Im here."
    He sat down. "I have to make arrangements
    for my wifes burial.
    "Cohen!" exclaimed Shmulik. "Dont you
    remember?" We buried your darling wife two years ago!"
    Mr Cohen nodded. "I remember, I remember.
    That was my first wife. Im here about my second."
    "Second wife? Mazel tov! I didnt know
    you remarried."
    (#30) Rabbis advice
    Moishe goes to see his Rabbi.
    "I need your advice. My wife just gave
    birth to a girl"
    "Mazeltov."
    "Thank you. Can we name the baby after
    a relative?"
    "According to Jewish custom, you can name
    a baby after a departed father, mother, brother "
    "But they are all still alive," says Moishe.
    "Oh, Im terribly sorry to hear that,"
    said the Rabbi.
    (#31) Make me a Cohen, please
    Manny approached the Rabbi of his Reform
    Synagogue and said "Rabbi, please make me a Cohen."
    The Rabbi, taken aback, tells Manny that
    it is impossible.
    Manny offers the Rabbi £10,000,
    but the Rabbi wont budge. He offers £50,000then £75,000.
    Finally, the Rabbi, reluctantly, gives in. He teaches Manny Torah. He teaches
    him Talmud. After 6 months of classes, the Rabbi tells Manny, "OK, now
    you can be a Cohen."
    The next Shabbat, Manny is called up for
    the first aliya in the Torah reading. He goes up, with a big smile on his
    face, says the brachot and afterwards returns to his seat.
    But the Rabbi is still troubled and a
    little curious. He approaches Manny the next day and asks him why it was
    so important to him to be a Cohen.
    Manny answers, "Rabbi, my father was a
    Cohen; my grandfather was a Cohen. I wanted to be a Cohen too!"
    (#32) The widow
    Becky's husband dies. It was not until
    sometime after that Becky was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful
    and wonderful man her late husband had been.
    "Sidney thought of everything," she told
    some friends. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside and
    handed me 3 envelopes."
    "Becky," he told me, "I have put all my
    last wishes in these 3 envelopes. After I am gone, open them in sequence
    and do exactly as I have written. Only then can I rest in peace."
    "What was in the 1st envelope?" her friends
    asked.
    "It contained £5,000 with a note,
    Please use this money to buy me a nice coffin. So I bought a beautiful
    mahogany coffin for him."
    "The 2nd envelope contained £10,000
    with a note, Please use this for a nice funeral. I made Sidney a very
    dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for the shiva, including
    some fine malt whisky."
    "And the 3rd envelope?" asked her friends.
    "The 3rd envelope contained £25,000
    with a note, Please use this to buy a nice stone. So I did."
    Becky then held up her hand and pointed
    to her 5 carat diamond ring. "So," said Becky, "You like my stone?"
    (#33) Going back to the closet
    Howard, a young gay man telephones his
    mother.
    "Mum, I've decided to go back into the
    closet. I've met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What
    do you think of this news? You'll be happier now - I know that my gay lifestyle
    has been very disturbing to you."
    She responds, "I'm very glad, Howard.
    I suppose it would be too much to hope that she's a Jewish girl?"
    Howard replies, "Not only is she Jewish,
    mum, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family."
    "So what's her name?"
    "Monica Lewinsky".
    There is a pause, then his mother asks,
    "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"
    (#34) Near to death
    Leah had been slipping in and out of a
    coma for several months.
    Yet Tony, her husband, had stayed by her
    bedside every single day. One day, when Leah came to, she motioned for
    Tony to come nearer. As he sat by her, she whispered, eyes full of tears,
    "You know what? You have been with me
    all through the bad times...
    When I got fired from my secretarys job,
    you were there to support me.
    When my first hairdressing business failed,
    you were there.
    When I got knocked down by a car, you
    were by my side.
    When we lost our dear Jonathan, you stayed
    right here.
    When my health started failing, you were
    still by my side...
    You know what?"
    "What dear?" Tony gently asked, smiling
    as his heart began to fill with warmth.
    "I think you bring me bad luck."
    (#35) The garden of Eden
    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls
    out to God.
    "Lord, I have a problem!"
    "What's the problem, Eve?"
    "Lord, I know you created me and provided
    this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
    not happy."
    "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from
    above.
    "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death
    of apples."
    "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution.
    I shall create a Man for you."
    "What's a Man, Lord?"
    "This man will be a flawed creature, with
    many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be very competitive; all in all,
    he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
    to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since
    you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy
    your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things
    like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll
    also need your advice to think properly."
    "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically
    raised eyebrow.
    "But, what's the catch, Lord?"
    "Well... you can have him on one condition."
    "What's that, Lord?"
    "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant,
    and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him
    first... Just remember, it's our little secret---You know, Woman to Woman."
    (#36) The visit to the dentist
    One day, Betty goes to her dentist and
    asks him how much it will cost to extract a wisdom tooth.
    "Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
    "That's a ridiculous amount," Betty says.
    "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
    "Well," the dentist says, "if I don't
    use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to £60."
    "That's still too expensive," Betty says.
    "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on
    anaesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could
    get away with charging you only £20."
    "No," moans Betty, "it's still too much."
    "Hmm," says the dentist, scratching his
    head. "If I let one of my students do it without anaesthetic and use a
    pair of old pliers - just for the experience, you understand, I suppose
    I could charge you just £10."
    "Marvellous," says the woman, "book my
    husband Moishe for next Tuesday!"
    (#37) The genie
    Sadie is walking along the beach one day
    finds a bottle.
    She rubs it and, sure enough, out popped
    a genie.
    "I will grant you three wishes," said
    the genie. "But there is a catch."
    "What catch?" Sadie asked.
    The genie replied, "Every time you make
    a wish, your husband Maurice will receive double the wish you were granted."
    "Well, I can live with that! No problem!"
    replied the elated Sadie.
    "What is your first wish?" asked the genie.
    "Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes Benz!"
    POOF! A Mercedes Benz appeared in front of the woman. "Dont forget, now
    your husband Maurice has TWO Mercedes Benz," said the genie.
    "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
    my Mercedes," replied the woman.
    "Next wish?" "I'd love a million pounds,"
    replied the woman.
    POOF! One million pounds appeared at her
    feet.
    "Dont forget, now your husband Maurice
    has TWO million pounds," said the genie.
    "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got
    my million," replied the woman.
    "What is your third and final wish?"
    The woman thought long and hard, and finally
    said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate one of my kidneys!"
    (#38) The loan
    Issy walks into a central London bank
    and says he's going to America for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
    For collateral, he offers his new Rolls
    Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground
    garage.
    Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns
    to the bank and repays the £5,000 plus interest of £9.41
    The loan officer says inquiringly, "Sir,
    we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned
    you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow £5,000?"
    "Where else in central London could I
    park my car for two weeks for £9.41
    (#39) The hearing test
    Maurice and Sarah were getting old and
    Maurice felt his wife was losing her hearing.
    He decided to stage a test. One day, as
    Sarah read the paper, he stood a distance behind her chair and said, in
    a conversational voice, "Can you hear me?" Silence.
    He moved towards her. He was now 6 feet
    away. "Can you hear me?" Still silence.
    Finally, he moved directly behind her
    chair and bent over, just inches from her ear "Can you hear me?"
    Sarah replied "For the third time, Maurice,
    Yes I can!"
    (#40) More riddles
    Q: What did God say after he created man?
    A: "I can do better than this."
    Q: Who, in history, had the very first
    motorcycle?
    A: Moses - the roar of his triumph could
    be heard all over Israel.
    (#41) Adam and Eve
    One day, God and Adam were walking in
    the Garden of Eden.
    God told Adam that it was time to populate
    the world. "Adam", he said, "you can start by kissing Eve".
    "Whats a kiss?", asked Adam.
    God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
    a bush and kissed her.
    Adam returned with a big smile on his
    face and said, "Lord, that was great! Whats next?".
    "Now you must caress Eve".
    "Whats caress?", asked Adam.
    God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
    a bush and lovingly caressed her.
    Adam returned with a bigger smile and
    said, "Lord, that was even better than a kiss! Whats next?".
    "Here is what gets the deed done. Now
    I want you to make love to Eve".
    "What is make love?", asked Adam.
    God explained and then Adam took Eve behind
    the bush.
    A few seconds later, Adam returned and
    asked, "Lord, what is a headache?".
    (#42) Five Quickies
    Did you hear about the Jewish Mother cash
    machine? When you take out some money, it says to you "Nu, what did you
    do with the last £50 I gave you?"
    Did you hear about the Jewish family who
    kept such a kosher home that they had two smoke detectors in their kitchen?
    From Israel comes the story of a guide
    who was showing some visitors around a small local museum.
    "That fossil in the glass case over there
    is two million and nine years old" he told them.
    "How can you date it so precisely?" someone
    asked admiringly.
    "Thats easy," said the guide. "Ive been
    working here nine years and it was two million years old when I came."
    WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING
    A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory.
    His job is to stand on the production line and as the batteries go by,
    say, "I wish you long life".
    (#43) Noahs ark
    "Noah," says the Lord, "for the next flood,
    I want no animals on board, just fish. And not any old fish, but only carp,
    in glass tanks."
    "And this time," says the Lord, "think
    big, Eight decks at least."
    "I got you," says Noah, "what you want
    is a multi-storey carp ark."
    (#44) First day
    A proud young mother sees off her son
    to school on the first day.
    "Be a good boy, my boobaleh! Be careful
    and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy
    loves you very much, baby!
    At the end of the day, shes waiting for
    the bus and sweeps him into her arms. "And what did my love learn on his
    first day at school?"
    "I learned that my name is David."
    (#45) Trouble at School
    "Hyman, you had better come over here
    right away. There has been some trouble with your son."
    "Vy, vots heppened?"
    "I cant discuss it over the phone, you
    had better come."
    So Hyman arrives at the school.
    "Im very sorry to tell you but we are
    expelling your son; we cant tolerate his sort of behaviour here."
    "But vy, vots he done?"
    "Well, to be quite frank, we found him
    playing with his genitals."
    "But dats not such a terrible ting, some
    of my best friends are genitals."
    (#46) The accident
    Maurice and Sadie were in a terrible accident
    in which Sadies face was severely burned.
    The doctor told Maurice that they couldn't
    graft any skin from her body because she was too thin.  So Maurice
    offered to donate some of his own skin.  However, the only skin on
    his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his
    tuchass.
    Maurice and Sadie agreed that they would
    tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor
    also honour their secret. After the surgery was completed, everyone was
    astounded at Sadies new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she
    ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and 
    on about her youthful beautiful skin!
    One day, she was alone with Maurice and
    she was overcome with emotion at this sacrifice.  She said, "Dear,
    I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is
    no way I could ever repay you."
    "My darling, " he replied, "think nothing
    of it.  I get all the nachas I need every time I see your mother kiss
    you on the cheek."
    (#47) The schmuck
    Sadie tells Maurice, "Youre a schmuck!
    You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act
    and dress like a schmuck! Youll be a schmuck until the day you die! And
    if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the worlds
    second biggest schmuck!"
    "Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
    "Because youre a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
    (#48) The braggers
    Becky, Sadie and Hannah are bragging about
    their sons.
    Becky says, "My son is very successful.
    He is the best lawyer in London."
    Sadie says, "My son has done better than
    that. He is the best doctor in London."
    Hannah says, "My son has not done that
    well. He does not have a very good job and he is gay. But he has these
    two great boyfriends - one is the best lawyer in London and the other is
    the best doctor in London."
    (#49) up to (#62) inclusive
    Please note that there are no jokes for
    these numbers!
    Comments


    (#63) The car ride
    Moshe was at his golf club and went into
    the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His
    own car was off the road being serviced.
    "Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift.
    My Rolls Royce is just outside."
    As they're driving along, Moshe says,
    "Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
    "That's my digital clock."
    A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And
    what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
    "That's my tachometer," says Morry.
    Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts
    to ask, "But what's that...."
    "Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry,
    "I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
    "Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
    (#64) up to (#68)
    Please note that there are no jokes for
    these numbers!
    (#69) The witness
    Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness
    box.
    "How old are you?", asked the attorney.
    "I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
    "What did you say?"
    "I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years
    old."
    "Please just give a simple answer to my
    question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
    "Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
    The judge then intervened, "If you don't
    want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question
    and only the question."
    The defence counsel then got up and said
    to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards
    Abe.
    "Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
    Abe replied, "Eightytwo."
    (#70) At the hairdressers
    Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair
    dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
    Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how's that daughter
    of yours?"
    Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married
    a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up
    her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because
    he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid,
    or worry about my 2 lovely  grandchildren, because he got her a live-in
    nanny."
    Sadie then asks, "And how's your son?"
    Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married
    a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out
    to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made
    him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get
    a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get
    her a nanny."
    (#71) The missing years
    Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant
    and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
    Moshe commented upon what a wise people
    the Chinese were.
    "Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise
    because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very
    wise, are they not?"
    Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture
    is 5,000 years old."
    The waiter was surprised to hear this.
    "That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand
    years?"
    (#72)
    No joke allocated
    (#73) The best slalom skier in the world
    As you may know, in a slalom race the
    skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly,
    one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and
    had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
    The day of the final came, and the crowd
    waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58
    seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds,
    and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
    Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd
    waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
    "What happened to you?" asked the team
    coach when Avrahom finally got back.
    Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards
    fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
    (#74) Issy the ventriloquist
    Issy had received no work for six months.
    So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
    His agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists,
    but there's plenty of work for psychics."
    So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign
    outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says,
    "I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?"
    Issy replies, "If you just talk to him,
    £50. If he talks to you, a bit more, £70. But if you talk to
    each other while I'm drinking a glass of water, that will be £150."
    (#75) Chanukah story
    Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks
    and maidels,
    Not a sound could be heard, not even the
    dreidels.
    The menorah was set on the chimney, just
    right,
    In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a
    bite.
    Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
    and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
    Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
    while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah
    gelt.
    The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
    and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
    A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
    Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
    I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
    while Bubba was now on the herring and
    rye.
    I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
    While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those
    latkes.
    To the window I ran and to my surprise,
    A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
    When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
    "Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
    I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
    but as long as I am here, I'll leave a
    few toys."
    With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a
    yid?"
    "Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus,
    kid."
    "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a
    dish,
    A guppell, a schtickla fish."
    With smacks of delight, he started his
    fressen,
    Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach
    gegessen.
    Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
    For when it came to eating, this boy was
    the tops!
    He asked for some knishes with pepper and
    salt,
    but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
    Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the
    tisch,
    and said, "Your kosher essen is simply
    delish."
    As he went to the door, he said "See you
    later.
    I'll be back next Pesach, in time for
    the seder."
    More rapid than eagles his prancers they
    came,
    as he whistled and shouted and called
    them by name:
    "Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now
    Sammy,
    now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
    He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
    "A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a
    good night."
    (#76) Three wishes
    A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president
    were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked
    the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they
    replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately
    after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
    "My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to
    give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted
    to but never been allowed to give."
    "We will grant your wish," the hijackers
    replied.
    "My last wish," said the cantor, "is to
    sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting
    two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
    "We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
    "What is your last wish," the hijackers
    asked the shul president.
    "Please, please shoot me now."
    (#77) The cow
    A Polish town had just one cow to its
    name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a
    replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave
    lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
    Then the people decided they would mate
    the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their
    milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
    But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to
    mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to
    mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all
    day.
    In desperation, the people asked their
    rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
    "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our
    cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and
    vice versa. What shall we do?"
    The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you
    buy a Minsk cow?"
    "Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise.
    We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
    The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
    (#78) The dry cleaners
    Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he
    takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners.
    They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the
    tallis and an invoice for £50.
    "Fifty pounds to clean just one small
    tallis?" Jacob says.
    "No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to
    clean the tallis, fourty five pounds to take out all those knots!"
    (#79) The phone call to God
    Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome.
    While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to
    talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
    "That's to talk to God," came the reply.
    "Really," Billy gasped, "how much does
    such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
    "£10,000 a minute, but it's well
    worth it." answered the Pope.
    Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to
    see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone.
    "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
    "Yes it is." came the reply.
    "And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
    "Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the
    chief rabbi.
    "How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked,
    "the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
    "Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From
    here it's just a local call."
    (#80) and (#81)
    No jokes allocated
    (#82) The car crash
    Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into
    a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly
    neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi
    Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's
    nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must
    be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends
    and live together in peace the rest of our days."
    Father Michael replies, "I agree with
    you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
    Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's
    another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't
    break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
    He hands the bottle to the priest.
    Father Michael takes a few big swigs and
    passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands
    it back to the priest.
    Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having
    any wine?"
    "No. I think I'll just wait for the police,"
    says Rabbi Bloom.
    (#83) The wedding
    Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
    "It's so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela.
    Tell me, what's new?"
    "I'm getting married, grandma."
    "My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful.
    Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
    "Well, they're not like our people, grandma,
    they're native Americans."
    "So, they are first generation."
    "No, grandma, you don't understand. They
    live on a reservation."
    "Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn't
    cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
    "No, grandma, you don't understand. We
    are getting married in a teepee."
    "Oh, that's nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
    "But grandma, I have to tell you that
    you won't be able to come to the wedding."
    "But why Sammela, your grandma has to
    be at your wedding?"
    "I'm sorry, but only native Americans
    and persons with Indian names can attend."
    "Well, then, I will be there."
    "How grandma, you don't have an Indian
    name."
    "Yes Sammela, I do."
    "What, grandma, what's your Indian name?"
    "Sitting Shiva."
    (#84) riddle
    Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
    A: A boy who kills his parents and then
    begs the court for mercy - because he's an orphan.
    (#85) Memories
    Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83,
    who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
    "Moishe, I'm not the same any more. I
    can't remember so many things!"
    "It vas the same thing mit myselve! But
    I took a memory course."
    "Vos? Does this help?"
    "Sure it does."
    "So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
    "This is called mnemonics. You take something
    that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
    "I vant to take this course! Vat is it
    called?"
    "It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait!
    Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
    "A rose, right?"
    Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose,
    Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?"
    (#86) JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
    Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to
    attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
    attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
    Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
    fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni.
    POB 77.
    Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired
    senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing.
    Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
    Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both
    Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
    Seeking wife. POB 41.
    Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for
    the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.
    POB 50.
    Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys
    Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
    Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB
    90.
    Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
    morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
    Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to
    meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
    POB 677.
    Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate,
    seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
    POB 843.
    Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
    Write. POB 74.
    Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
    independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB
    53.
    All my friends are doing it, and quite
    frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
    POB 655.
    (#87)
    No joke allocated
    (#88) The proud mother
    Harry Goldberg has been elected the next
    president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.
    He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the
    inauguration.
    Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been
    elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
    Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains.
    I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
    Harry: Momma! You will take no train.
    Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes.
    Come to my inauguration, please...
    Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher
    food! Nahh, maybe next time.
    Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White
    House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
    Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
    Harry: I have someone on his way to take
    you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
    Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
    Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the
    front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become
    the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and
    says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
    (#89) A matter of life and death
    A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers
    on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest
    grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
    The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you
    survive?"
    The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about
    me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."
    (#90) The builder
    A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific
    and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.
    Many year's later, when a search party
    finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues
    on his tiny island.
    "Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks
    Benny.
    Benny points to the nearest one and replies,
    "That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside
    if you paid me!"
    (#91) The end
    Moishe had just had a medical check up.
    "I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've
    only got about 6 months to live."
    "Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
    A few minutes later, after the news had
    sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have
    any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
    "Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
    Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor
    his whole life.
    "You might think about taking a wife,"
    said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during
    the final illness."
    "That's a good point," said Moishe, "and
    with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
    "May I make one more suggestion?" asked
    the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
    "A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
    "It'll seem longer."
    (#92) The theft
    Did you hear about the thieves that broke
    into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
    They got away with over a million dollars
    in pledges!
    (#93) How you can tell...
    How you can tell that the person next
    to you has not been to synagogue too often?
    1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
    2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the
    minister is talking?"
    3. "I get the standing and the sitting
    bit, but when do we kneel?"
    4. "Does your prayer book have writing
    in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
    5. "Why do people keep coming in even
    after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
    6. "Do people always get up and walk out
    just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
    7. "This food after the service is really
    good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only
    took a little at a time?"
    8. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler
    on the Roof'."
    9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
    10. "You there, slow down, you're getting
    ahead of the soloist!"
    11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress
    circle?"
    12. "You'd think nobody has ever seen
    a mobile phone."
    13. "It's show time! They're opening the
    curtains."
    14. "Pardon me, but you have some string
    hanging down from your scarf."
    15. "The boy can't be more than 12 or
    13 - and they let him read?"
    16. "When do they take up the collection?"
    (#94) Interview Question
    There were four people who were in the
    final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian,
    one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company
    decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
    Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the
    president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants,
    and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough
    money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day,
    he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that
    he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question
    the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
    The next day the first applicant, the
    Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the
    fastest thing in the world?"
    He thought for a moment and replied, "That
    would have to be a thought."
    "Why do you say that?" asked the president.
    "Well, a thought takes no time at all...it
    is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank
    you," replied the president.
    Next the same question was posed to the
    Catholic woman.
    "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
    She paused and replied, "That would have
    to be a blink."
    "Why?" asked the president.
    "Because you don't even think about a
    blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked
    her, then called in the next person.
    The Buddhist was asked what the fastest
    thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied,
    "I would have to say electricity."
    "Why?"
    "Because a man can flip a switch, and
    immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good,"
    replied the president.
    Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was
    asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
    "That's easy..." he replied, "that would
    have to be diarrhoea!"
    Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why
    do you say that?"
    "Well, last night after dinner, I was
    lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could
    THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"
    (Bernie got the job....)
    (#95) Havaii.
    Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday.
    As usual, they ended up arguing.
    "It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty
    said.
    "Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn.
    'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
    And so it went on all the way till they
    got there.
    As soon as they got off the plane, they
    asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument
    between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
    "This is Havaii," replied the porter.
    "Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See,
    didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
    Just before they began to walk away, Isaac
    gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
    "You're Velcome."
    (#96) A Rabbi
    Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of
    a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street.
    He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the
    street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns
    it to Rabbi Levine.
    "I don't think I would have been able
    to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder
    and says, "May God bless you."
    Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed
    by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop
    and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets
    £50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees
    a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes
    in first also.
    When Bernie finally returns home to his
    wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's
    hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started
    winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
    "So where's the money?" she asks.
    "I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet
    on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
    "You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau
    is a hat."
    "It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the
    winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
    (#97) Bernie
    While leading the Friday evening services,
    the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a
    St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the
    service and went to talk to Bernie.
    "What are doing here with a dog?"
    "The dog came here to pray."
    "Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
    "It's true," says Bernie.
    "I don't believe you. You are just fooling
    around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
    "Its really true," says Bernie.
    "OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would
    call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
    "OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog.
    The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis
    (and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
    The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for
    a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed
    with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
    would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
    Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
    says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"
     
    Comments


    (#98) Job search
    My first job was working in an orange
    juice factory,
    but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
    Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
    but I just couldn't hack it so they
    gave me the axe.
    After that I tried to be a tailor,
    but I just wasn't suited for it mainly
    because it was a so-so job.
    Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
    but that was exhausting.
    I wanted to be a barber,
    but I just couldn't cut it.
    Then I tried to be a chef,
    figured it would add spice to my life,
    but I just didn't have the thyme.
    Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
    but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
    the mustard.
    My best job was being a musician,
    but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
    I studied a long time to become a doctor,
    but I didn't have any patients.
    Next was a job in a shoe factory,
    I tried but I just didn't fit in.
    I became a professional fisherman,
    but discovered that I couldn't live on
    my net income.
    Thought about becoming a witch,
    so I tried that for a spell.
    I managed to get a job working for a swimming
    pool maintenance company,
    but the work was just too draining.
    I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
    but I was fired because I wasn't up to
    it.
    So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
    but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
    Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
    but the work was shocking.
    After years of trying to find work, I
    finally got a job as an historian,
    until I realised there was no future in
    it.
    My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
    but I had to quit because it was always
    the same old grind.
    SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT
    FIT FOR THE JOB!
    (#99) My Yiddishe Momma
    My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB
    WELL DONE
    "If you two are going to kill each other,
    do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
    My mother taught me RELIGION
    "You better pray that stain will come
    out of the carpet."
    My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
    "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock
    you into the middle of next week!"
    My mother taught me LOGIC
    "Because I said so, that's why."
    My mother taught me FORESIGHT
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
    case you're in an accident."
    My mother taught me IRONY
    "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
    to cry about."
    My mother taught me about the science of
    OSMOSIS
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
    My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
    "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back
    of your neck!"
    My mother taught me about STAMINA
    "You'll sit there 'till all your spinach
    is finished."
    My mother taught me about WEATHER
    "It looks as if a tornado swept through
    your room."
    My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
    "If I've told you once, I've told you
    a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
    My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
    "I brought you into this world, and I
    can take you out."
    My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
    "Stop acting like your father!"
    My mother taught me about ENVY
    "There are millions of less fortunate
    children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
    THANKS, MUM!
    (#100) The matchmaker
    Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe,
    a confirmed bachelor for many years.
    "Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have
    exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet
    and be married in no time!" says Benny.
    "Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two
    sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
    "That's all well and good," said Benny,
    "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
    "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they
    were mine!"
    (#101) Spaceman Rabbi
    NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the
    earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.
    One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they
    invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
    Upon their return, they were asked to
    go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the
    experience.
    The priest came into the room with a smile
    on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing.
    I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
    But the rabbi came into the room completely
    dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis
    was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
    He threw his hands in the air and said,
    "Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every
    few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin,
    off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
    (#102) Henry's big problem
    Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to
    collect his wife Sarahs test results.
    The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry,
    but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples
    to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we
    don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation
    is either bad or terrible."
    "What do you mean?" says Henry.
    "Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs
    Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.
    We can't tell which is which."
    "That's terrible," says Henry, "can you
    do the test again?"
    "Normally, yes. But your private medical
    insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
    "Well, what am I supposed to do?" says
    Henry.
    The receptionist replies, "The doctor
    recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street.
    If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
    (#103) What a coincidence!
    Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting
    next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac
    and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
    Israel."
    Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
    Maurice says, "So am I! And where might
    you be from?"
    Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
    Maurice responds, "So am I! And where
    did you live?"
    Isaac says, "A lovely little area two
    miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
    Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school
    did you attend?"
    Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva
    University."
    Maurice gets really excited, and says,
    "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
    Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
    Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert.
    Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding
    up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva
    University in 1984 also."
    About this time, Moishe enters the bar,
    sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his
    head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg
    twins are drunk again."
    (#104) Morris gets a dog
    Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to
    show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into
    the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running
    and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open,
    tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
    Morris points to the newspaper on the
    couch and commands, "FETCH!"
    Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch
    and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
    Looking balefully up at his master, the
    dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all
    the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that
    expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's
    dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore.
    You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't
    remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
    Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that?
    Your dog is sitting there talking."
    "Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young
    and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
    (#105) A serious chat With Mum
    Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
    "Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
    "Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having
    a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've
    sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house
    is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner
    tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
    The voice on the other end said in sympathy,
    "Darling, let Mummy handle it.  Sit down, relax and close your eyes.
    I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house
    and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know
    who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband
    David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
    "David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
    "Why, David 's your husband....Is this
    0208 123 3749?"
    "No, this is 0208 123 3747."
    "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the
    wrong number."
    There was a short pause, then Rivkah said,
    "Does this mean you're not coming over?"
    (#106) Riddles
    Q.  What's the name of a face lotion
    developed for Jewish women?
    A.   Oil of Oy Vay
    Q.  What is the technical term for
    a divorced Jewish woman?
    A.  "Plaintiff."
    Q.  What does a Jewish woman do to
    keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
    A.  Nothing, nothing at all.
    Q.  What's a Jewish woman's idea of
    natural childbirth?
    A.  No make up whatsoever.
    (#107)
    No joke allocated
    (#108) The visit
    Becky's grandson and his wife are coming
    to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to
    her flat.
    "You come to the front door of the Golders
    Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the
    front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button
    32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in,
    and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left.  With
    your elbow, hit my doorbell".
    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am
    I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
    "You're coming empty handed"?
    (#109)
    No joke allocated
    (#110) Evening Prayers
    When young David was asked by his father
    to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so
    he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers
    were over.
    Henry grew impatient after a few minutes
    and removed his hand.
    The father said, "This is important...put
    your hand back on his head!"
    -to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I
    my brother's kipah?"
    (#111) The Tailor
    Moshe is walking along Bond Street and
    sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
    Moshe goes in and talks to the typical
    little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is
    that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one anothers throats, have
    come together like this...
    The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You
    sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
    'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I
    mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's
    different! It's heartwarming!'
    'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's
    annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
    (#112) Oy Vey!
    Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge
    in a house in Hendon.
    Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
    Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
    Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
    Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about
    the children already. Let's get back to the game."
    (#113) A Model Son
    "I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi.
    "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught
    him kissing one of the models!"
    "Have a little patience!" advised the
    Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so
    what, it's not that terrible."
    "But you don't understand," said Benny.
    "I make men's clothes."
    (#114) Taking it all with you
    Issy was a rich man who was near death.
    He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted
    to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
    An angel hears his plea and says to him,
    "I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
    Issy implores the angel to speak to God
    to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime,
    Issy continues to pray.
    When the angel reappears, he informs Issy
    that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed,
    Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
    places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates
    of Heaven.
    The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase,
    says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
    Issy explains that he has permission and
    suggests he verify his story with God.
    Gabriel checks and says, "You're right.
    You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents
    before letting it through."
    So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect
    the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
    "You brought pavement?"
    (#115) Watch that door!
    Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to
    England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He
    brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
    When the job is finished Hymie is delighted
    but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs
    on the doors.
    He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher
    mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of
    each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't
    put them up correctly.
    However, the job is carried out entirely
    to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the
    decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the
    job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those
    little boxes and left them on the table for you."
    (#116)
    No joke allocated
    Comments


    (#117) Adams payment
    After Adam was created, there he was,
    all alone, in the Garden of Eden.
    Of course it wasn't good for him to be
    all by himself, so the Lord came down to visit.
    "Adam," He said, "I have a plan to make
    you much, much happier.
    I'm going to give you a companion, a help
    mate for you -- someone who will fulfil your every need and desire. Someone
    who will be faithful, loving and obedient. Someone who will make you feel
    wonderful every day of your life."
    Adam was stunned. "That's sounds incredible!"
    "Well, it is," replied the Lord. "But
    it doesn't come for free. This is someone so special that it's going to
    cost you an arm and a leg."
    "That's a pretty high price to pay," said
    Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
    (#118) The confessions
    Three friends were at the bar talking,
    and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admit
    something they have never admitted to anyone.
    Okay," says Peter, "I've never told anybody
    I'm a gay!"
    John confesses, "I'm having an affair
    with my boss's wife."
    Moishe, begins, "I don't know how to tell
    you...."
    "Don't be shy," said Peter and John.
    Well," says Moishe, "I can't keep secrets."
    (#119) The most famous person
    Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants.
    One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewiss office and
    declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world."
    Obviously, Martin didn't believe him and
    replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you
    can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I
    bet you don't know Madonna."   Moishe said, "I talk to her very
    often by e-mail, and what's more we've had dinner together. Now we are
    friends."
    Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so
    he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna's house. Madonna
    personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what
    a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon
    there.  But Martin wasn't convinced. He thought that it could just
    have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!"
    said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA.
    We always talked by phone."
    Martin almost lost his cool and decided
    that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as
    soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see
    a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened
    to take a look in Moishe's direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!"
    and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let's
    have a talk."
    Martin was bewildered he couldn't believe
    it. But his mind didn't stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody
    in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The
    Pope. Moishe couldn't know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when
    he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of
    thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his
    lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms
    and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there,
    looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The
    Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope's staff and ran to where Martin
    was lying.
    When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what
    had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and
    finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the
    Pope I have accepted! But I couldn't stand it anymore when here, in the
    middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed
    all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"
    (#120) The designer
    Bernie decided he wanted to be an aeronautical
    engineer and build airplanes. He studied hard, went to the best schools,
    and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation
    as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start
    his own company to build jets.
    His company was such a hit that the President
    of Israel called Bernie into his office. "I want to commission your company
    to build an advanced Israeli jet fighter.
    Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously
    excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into
    building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific
    on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster
    struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the
    fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank God.)
    Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned
    the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the
    wings broke off. Very worried, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask
    God where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and asked
    him what was wrong. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
    After hearing the problem, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder
    and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to
    do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets
    the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall
    off."
    Bernie smiled and thanked the rabbi for
    his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realised he
    had nothing to lose. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do.
    On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly
    above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next
    test flight went perfectly!
    Brimming with joy, Bernie went to tell
    the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never
    doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes
    would prevent the wings from falling off?"
    "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old
    man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
    many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzah
    broken on the perforation!"
    (#121) The slalom
    As you may know, in a slalom race the
    skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in as little time as possible.
    Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom-skier in the world,
    and the country had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
    The day of the final came, and the crowd
    waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38
    seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 38.7 seconds, the German at 37.8 seconds,
    and the Italian at 38.1 seconds. Then came the turn of the Israeli. The
    crowd waited, and waited...SIX MINUTES!
    "What happened to you?" screamed his trainer
    when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which
    of those bastards fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
    (#122) The Indian holiday
    Becky, an elderly Jewish lady from London,
    goes to her travel agent and says, "I want to go to India."
    "Why India? It's filthy, very hot, and
    it's filled to the brim with Indians. It's a long journey, and those trains,
    how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for
    you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables.
    You'll get sick - hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows.
    What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why
    torture yourself?"
    "I want to go to India."
    The necessary arrangements are made, and
    off she goes. Becky arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell
    and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-
    ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells
    her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the
    guru.
    "That's okay."
    Eventually Becky reaches the hallowed
    portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words. She
    is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready
    to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches
    the holy of holies, Becky is once again reminded, "Remember, just three
    words."
    Unlike the other devotees, she does not
    prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her
    arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: "Sidney, come home."
    (#123) The confession
    Hymie enters a Catholic church and confronts
    the priest. "I am 93 years old. My wife is 91. We have been happily married
    for 64 years. Last week I had crazy, joyous sex with a 27-year-old super-model."
    The priest is aghast. "Why don't you go
    to confession, old man?"
    Hymie replies, "Why should a Jewish man
    such as myself go to confession?"
    The priest is confused. "If you're Jewish,
    why then are you telling me this story?"
    Hymie replies, "I'm telling everyone!"
    (#124) Jewish Quickies
    Q: Why do Jewish men die before their
    wives?
    A: They want to.
    Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much.
    A: Because they are worth it.
    Q: Why dont Jews drink?
    A: It interferes with their suffering.
    Moshe, an old man, was hit by a car. Whilst
    waiting for an ambulance, a policeman tucked a blanket under Moshe's head
    and asked, Are you comfortable?
    Moshe replied, I make a nice living.
    (#125) Actual ads from the Israeli Press
    Ive had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea,
    chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now Im ready to settle down. So
    where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?
    Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard,
    payos. Seeks same in woman.
    Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
    Write.
    Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage.
    No personality.
    Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush
    after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for
    your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again?
    (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie).
    Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath
    candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.
    80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome,
    virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, cant I?
    I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you
    can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets.
    Confide in me. Ill understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
    Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
    independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
    Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain
    climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
    Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who
    got get, or can get get. Get it? Ill show you mine, if you show me yours.
    Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend
    shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
    attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.
    (#126) The son-in-law
    Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to
    be, Benjy.
    He says to Benjy, "So nu, tell me Benjy
    my boy, what do you do?"
    "I study the Torah," he replies.
    "But Benjy, you are going to marry my
    daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
    "No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
    and it says God will provide."
    "But you will have children, how will
    you educate them?" asks Issy.
    "No problem," says Benjy, "I study Torah
    and it says God will provide."
    When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously
    asks him what Benjy is like.
    "Well," says Issy, "he's a lovely boy.
    I only just met him and he already thinks I'm God."
    (#127) Home, sweet home
    Maurice was a good, well-respected elderly
    Edgware man. He felt that death was close and asked his sons to take him
    to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.
    The loving sons did as he asked, brought
    him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However,
    once in Jerusalem Maurice started to feel better and better and after a
    few weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life.
    He called upon his sons and said: "Quickly,
    take me back to Edgware."
    The sons were somehow disappointed and
    asked: "Father, how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and
    be buried in Jerusalem!'
    "Yes," answered Maurice, to die it's OK
    but to live here....!?"
    (#128) How he got his job
    David has done well for himself and is
    Mayor of a small town in Israel.
    One day, David and his wife Andrea are
    walking past a construction site. Suddenly, one of the construction workers
    stops and calls out
    "What's new, Andrea?"
    "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi,"
    Andrea replies. She turns to introduce David to the construction worker,
    and they speak for several minutes.
    After David and Andrea continue on, he
    turns to her and asks how she knows Avi.
    "Oh," Andrea said. "We went to the same
    high school. I even thought about marrying him."
    David began to laugh. "You don't realise
    how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife
    of a construction worker!"
    Andrea replied without hesitation, "Not
    really. If I had married him, he'd now be a Mayor!"
    (#129) What's in a name?
    Sam is a nice young man who has fallen
    in love with a girl he has just met.
    When Sam tells his father about her, the
    father just wants to know her family name. When Sam tells him that the
    girl's name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name
    and he must forget her and go find a Jewish girl.
    Time passes and Sam finds another girl.
    Her name is Smith so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with
    a nice Jewish name.
    More time passes and Sam finds another
    girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the
    girl's name is Goldberg. "Goldberg," exclaims his father, "this makes me
    very happy because it's a real good Jewish name, and from a good established
    family."
    Then his father asks, "Is her first name
    one of my favourite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?"
    "No Father," replies Sam, "It's Whoopi."
    (#130) The waiter
    Benjamin and Morris are sitting in a wonderful
    Kosher restaurant in Hendon.
    They are talking among themselves in Yiddish.
    A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them
    if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. Benjamin
    and Morris are dumbfounded.
    "My God, where did he learn such perfect
    Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager,
    an old friend of theirs, also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter
    learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
    The owner looks around and leans over
    to them so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching
    him English."
    (#131) Tickets, anyone?
    Yitzhak and Freda go out to see Fiddler
    on the Roof on stage. This is the most sold out show of the year.
    Somehow, they've been lucky and manage
    to get best seats in the front row. But they notice that there's an empty
    seat in the row behind them. When intermission comes and no one has sat
    in that seat, Freda turns to the woman sitting next to the empty seat and
    asks, "Pardon me, but as this is such a sold out show and in such demand,
    we were wondering why that seat is empty."
    The woman says, "That's my late husband's
    seat."
    Freda is horrified and apologises for
    being so insensitive. But a few minutes later, she turns around again.
    "Without meaning to be rude or anything,
    this is an incredibly hard show to get into. Surely you must have a friend
    or a relative who would have wanted to come and see the show?"
    The woman nods, but explains, "They're
    all at the shiva."
    (#132) The Jewish Olympics
    If you read through the list of the events
    taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah
    Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of
    particular interest to the world's Jewish communities, include: -
    (1)Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault
    competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting
    the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered
    a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy,"
    such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I've just landed on my shana punim!" or,
    the winner in the Olympic trials', "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!"
    (2)Synchronized Swimming: Taking place
    in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what
    do these young ladies do once their act has finished?
    (3)Synchronized Tanning: Following the
    Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe.
    Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application
    of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum.
    Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher
    SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis.
    (4)Team Handball: The goal here is simple:
    to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of
    matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to
    the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will
    be used in the shot put competition.
    (5)Triathlon: This year's Triathlon will
    involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must
    cook the shnitzel and tsimmes (first part), say a bruchah before eating
    this kosher meal (second part), and then run a marathon (third part). If
    the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified,
    but will still be required to run the marathon.
    (6)Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes,
    the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches
    of the chanukiah.
    (7)Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper
    that balances the Chairmans wifes bank account in the shortest amount
    of time will be declared winner.
    (8)Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl
    must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is
    the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course.
    (9)Rings: No longer part of men's gymnastics,
    this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks
    on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three
    C's," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the
    "three S's," smile, sophistication, and simchas.
    (#133) The Jewish dog
    Nathan walks into his shul with a dog.
    The shammas comes up to him and says,
    "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here."
    "What do you mean," says Nathan, "this
    is a Jewish dog. Look."
    And the shammas looks carefully and sees
    that this dog has a tallis bag round its neck.
    Sammy," says the man, "daven!".
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
    legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipa and puts it on his head.
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
    legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it round his neck.
    "Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind
    legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a siddur and starts to daven.
    "That's fantastic," says the shammas,
    "absolutely amazing, incredible! You should take him to Hollywood, get
    him on television, get him in the movies, he could make a million pounds!!"
    "You speak to him," says Nathan, "he wants
    to be a marketing manager."
    (#134) The big squeeze
    The local pub was so sure that its barman
    was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1,000
    bet. The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass
    and then hand the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more
    drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
    (weight lifters, rowers, wrestlers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
    One day Hyman, a scrawny little man, came
    into the bar wearing thick glasses and a cheap jacket.
    Hyman went up to the barman and said in
    a squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
    After the laughter had died down, the
    barman said OK, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled
    remains of the rind to Hyman. But the laughter turned to silence as Hyman
    clenched his fist around the lemon and four more drops fell into the glass.
    As the crowd cheered, the barman paid
    the £1,000 and asked, "What do you do for a living? Are you a professional
    strong man, or what?"
    Hyman replied, "No. Im not, I work for
    the Jewish National Fund."
    (#135) Flying High
    Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple,
    are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly,
    over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
    I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning,
    and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news
    is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate
    our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted -
    I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never
    be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if
    not for the rest of our lives."
    Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine,
    dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
    "Janine, are our life insurance policies
    paid up?"
    "Of course."
    "Janine, did we pay our pledge  for
    the Kol Nidre appeal?"
    "Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
    "Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!!"
    (#136) Going For A Drive
    Sam was driving down the road and gets
    pulled over by a police car. Walking up to his car, an officer says, "Your
    wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
    Sam replies, "Thank goodness  - 
    I'd thought I'd gone deaf."
    (#137) Hello
    - Hello, that's you, Abe?
    - Yes, dis is Abe...
    - It doesn't sount like Abe
    - Vell, dis is Abe all right.
    - You're positive it's Abe?
    - Absolutely.
    - Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you
    lend me feefty punds?
    - Ven Abe comes in, I'll tell him you
    called...
    (#138) The rowing crew
    Yeshiva University in Golders Green decided
    to put together a rowing team.
    Unfortunately, they lost race after race.
    They practised for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better
    than dead last. The Head of the Yeshiva finally decided he couldn't stand
    any more embarrassment so he sent Yankel to spy on the Oxford University
    team.
    So Yankel shlepped off to Oxford and hid
    in the bullrushes off the river  from where he carefully watched the
    Oxford team as they practised.
    Yankel finally returned to the Yeshiva.
    "I have figured out their secret," he
    announced.
    "They have eight guys rowing and only
    one guy shouting."
    (#139) Two little boys talking
    I'm getting operated on tomorrow
    Oh? What are they going to do?
    Circumcise me!
    I had that done when I was just a few
    days old.
    Did it hurt?
    I couldn't walk for a year.
    (#140) Madame Freda
    For months, Leah had been nagging her
    husband to go with her to the seance parlour of Madame Sadie.
    "Cyril, Madame Sadie is a real gypsy and
    she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to
    them. Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace. Cyril,
    for only £30 you can talk to your zaida who you miss so much."
    Cyril could not resist and at the next
    seance, there was Cyril sitting under the coloured light at the green table,
    holding hands with the person on each side of him. All were humming.
    Madame Sadie, her eyes lost in trance,
    was making passes over a crystal ball. "My medium Vashtri, who is that
    with you? Mr Himmelfarb? Cyril's zaida?"
    Cyril swallowed the lump in his throat
    and called, "Grandpa? zaida?"
    "Ah, Cyril?" a thin voice quavered.
    "Yes, yes," cried Cyril, "this is your
    Cyril, zaida, are you happy in the other world?"
    "Cyril, I am in bliss. I'm with your bubba.
    We laugh, we sing, we gaze upon the shining face of the Lord."
    Cyril asks his zaida many questions and
    his zaida answers each, until -
    "So now, Cyril, I have to go. The angels
    are calling. Just one more question I can answer. Ask. Ask."
    "Zaida," sighed Cyril, "when did you learn
    to speak English?"
    (#141) Sir Chicken Matthews
    A Sunday League Jewish football team is
    desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced
    to play a kosher chicken in their team.
    Rather surprisingly, the chicken has a
    brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next
    its threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.
    At half time all its team-mates are very
    pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half. On the
    way back, the referee starts chatting with the chicken.
    "Great first half mate, you must be really
    fit".
    "Thanks," said the chicken, "I try to
    keep myself fit but its difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour
    in the gym each morning before work".
    "What do you do then?" asked the referee.
    "I'm a chartered accountant" replies the
    chicken. At which point the referee immediately brandishes the red card
    and sends the chicken off. The concerned team-mates gather round the ref.
    and start complaining.
    "Sorry lads", says the ref.,...... "I
    had no choice - Professional Fowl"
    (#142) The Doctor
    Shlomo goes to Doctor Lewis for a check
    up. After extensive tests Doctor Lewis tells him, "I'm afraid I have some
    bad news for you. You only have six months to live."
    Shlomo is dumbstruck. After a while he
    replies, "That's terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can't
    afford to pay your bill."
    "Ok," says Doctor Lewis, "I'll give you
    a year to live."
    (#143) Giving to charity
    Leah gives 50p to her daughter Sarah.
    The little girl goes outside and returns 10 minutes later without the coin.
    Wondering what she had done with the money, Leah asks, "Where is the 50p
    I gave you, darling?"
    "I gave it to an old lady." says Sarah.
    "Oh you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow
    you will have £1."
    The next day, true to her word, Leah gives
    Sarah a whole pound. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the
    coin.
    "What did you do with the £1?"
    "Oh, today I saw the same old woman,"
    begins Sarah as her mother beemed at her, "and I bought a bigger ice cream."
     
    go to fifth set
    Comments


    (#144) The Headache.
    Sadie goes to see
    her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and
    talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
    All of a sudden,
    Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache
    is gone!"
    To which the rabbi
    replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
    (#145) The rumpus
    Maurice has a business
    appointment, and he arrives a little early.  The receptionist points
    to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice
    settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However,
    he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus
    coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice
    goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
    She replies, "It's
    a partners' meeting."
    "But why are they
    shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
    "It's a battle of
    wits," she replies.
    Maurice asks: "Who
    is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
    (#146) The flight
    Moishe was on a
    flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl,
    really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
    "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Miami."
    "What are you doing
    in NY?"
    "I'm finishing my
    Ph.D."
    "What's it about?"
    "It's a study of
    which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
    "And what is the
    conclusion?"
    "The two groups
    are Indians and Jews."
    "Nice to meet you,
    my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"
    (#147) The deal
    Joseph had just
    passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they
    could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and
    said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school
    grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
    about it."
    After about a month
    Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of
    the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph,
    I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've
    studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph
    waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
    You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair,
    and even Moses had long hair...."
    To which the Rabbi
    replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
    (#148) Telling
    the future
    Bush was very curious
    about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called
    the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
    One week later they
    came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas.
    They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray,
    and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'.
    When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit
    of news."
    Bush wanted to see
    this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to
    read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue
    on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
    Issy answered, "Shh,
    dont talk now, Bush is coming."
    (#149) Three sons
    Three sons left
    England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they
    met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
    David said, "I built
    a big house for mum."
    Henry said, "I sent
    her a Lexus - with a driver."
    Alan said, "You
    remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very
    well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All
    mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
    Soon afterwards,
    a letter of thanks came from their mother.
    David, the house
    you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the
    whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
    home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain
    in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.
    (#150) The operation
    The dentist told
    Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do
    you want a local anesthetic?"
    Melvyn shook his
    head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
    (#151)
    No joke allocated
    (#152) The impossible
    wish.
    Tony Blair was on
    holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon
    an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
    Tony asked if he
    got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving
    out one wish. So...what'll it be?"
    Tony didn't hesitate.
    He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting
    with each other and start loving each other instead."
    The Genie looked
    at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war
    for years! I'm good, but I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done.
    So make another wish."
    Tony thought for
    a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are
    beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone
    trust me more. That's my wish."
    The Genie thought
    for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
    (#153) The Rabbi's
    Advice.
    Abe goes to see
    his Rabbi.
    "Rabbi, something
    terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
    The Rabbi asked,
    "What's wrong, Abe?"
    Abe replied, "My
    wife is poisoning me."
    The Rabbi was very
    surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
    Abe then pleads,
    "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
    The Rabbi then offers,
    "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
    let you know."
    A week later the
    Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
    the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
    Abe anxiously says,
    "Yes."
    "Take the poison,"
    says the Rabbi.
    (#154) Saved by
    the bear?
    Solomon is out in
    the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon
    runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave.
    But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave
    and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma
    Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he
    opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his
    eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky
    am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're
    mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's
    prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
    (#155) Quickies
    Q: What's the definition
    of chutzpah?
    A: A boy  who
    kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.
    Q: What's a Jewish
    Princess's favourite position?
    A: lnside Brent
    Cross Shopping Centre.
    (#156) The two
    sons
    Bette and Freda
    were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail
    sentences.
    Bette says: "Oy,
    my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never
    speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and
    he lives a horrible life."
    Freda says: "Well,
    mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time
    in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
    "Oy," says Bette,
    "You must get such naches from Jacob."
    (#157) The 10
    commandments
    The Hebrew people
    were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among
    them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had
    been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around
    its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling
    down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the
    waiting mass.
    The end of day was
    approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came
    through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy
    load. It was Moses.
    Moses set down his
    load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work
    and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible
    argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The
    good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is:
    Adultery is still in."
    (#158) The astronaut
    Morris, the Jewish
    astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
    He replied, "My
    mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
    Later on, during
    the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must
    make an emergency landing!"
    "Why?"
    "My wife called
    and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."
    (#159) RSVP.
    Avrahom and Betty
    were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class
    wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
    "If only our son,
    the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom
    good-bye as he left for work.
    She pondered the
    problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the
    shop.
    "Darling, I've figured
    it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
    (#160) Is sex
    work?
    A priest, a minister
    and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
    The priest says,
    "It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
    The minister says,
    "It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
    The rabbi says "I'm
    not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone
    to come in and do it for her."
    (#161) We want
    to get divorced
    91-year-old Monty
    and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.
    Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both
    so miserable for so long?"
    Monty replies, "We
    were just waiting for the children to die."
    (#162) The joke
    David is telling
    a new joke to Yossi.
    "Yitzhak and Hymie
    were talking one day..."
    Right away, Yossi
    interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your
    jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic
    group for once will you David!"
    So David starts
    again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar
    Mitzvah...."
    (#163) The visit
    to Mars.
    Two astronauts make
    the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face
    with a couple of green Martians.
    "How do we make
    contact?" asks the first astronaut.
    "They look pretty
    primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
    "OK." says the first.
    He reaches into
    the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The
    Martians look interested.
    "I think it's working
    - light it!" says the second.
    The first astronaut
    turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians
    turn from green to red.
    "Wow!" says the
    first, "they must really be impressed."
    Then one of the
    Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men,
    frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"
    (#164) The ventriloquist
    Moishe and his Scotsman
    friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
    Soon everyone is
    eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes
    time to pay the bill.
    "I'll Pay!" shouts
    McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
    The next day, the
    headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered
    in alley."
    (#165) Jews in
    China
    Sid and Al were
    sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
    "Sid," asked Al,
    "Are there any Jews in China?"
    "I don't know,"
    Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
    When the waiter
    came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
    "I don't know sir,
    let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly
    returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
    "Are you sure?"
    Al asked.
    "I will check again,
    sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
    While he was still
    gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people
    are scattered everywhere."
    When the waiter
    returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
    "Are you really
    sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
    "Sir, I ask everyone,"
    the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato
    jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
    (#166)
    No joke allocated
    (#167) Sabbath
    Violator.
    Morris and Lenny
    are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds
    past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing
    his arms wildly.
    "Well," said Lenny,
    "I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at
    him running for that taxi."
    "Wait a minute,"
    Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side
    of the Story', about the command to judge other people favourably? I'll
    bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behaviour."
    "Yeah, like what?"
    "Maybe he's sick
    and needs to go to the hospital."
    "Come on! He was
    running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
    "Well, maybe his
    wife's having a baby."
    "She had one last
    week."
    "Well, maybe he
    needs to visit her in the hospital."
    "She's home."
    "Well, maybe he's
    running to the hospital to get a doctor."
    "He is a doctor."
    "Well, maybe he
    need supplies from the hospital."
    "The hospital is
    a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
    "Well, maybe he
    forgot that it's Shabbos!"
    "Of course he knows
    it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk
    Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
    "Wow, you're a really
    observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
    "How could you not
    notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
    (#168) A stay
    in hospital
    Rabbi Levy had to
    spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who
    was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the
    crucifix on the wall was missing.
    She asked him good-naturedly,
    "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
    "Oh, sister," chuckled
    Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
    (#169) A Jewish
    Mother's Letter.
    Dear Darling Son
    and That Person You Married,
    I hope you are well.
    Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe
    or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands
    of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds
    in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows
    their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
    pictures, poor babies.
    Thank you so much
    for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll
    stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
    I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so
    Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would
    have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never
    let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid
    surgery, has she?
    Well son, it's time
    for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last
    week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since
    they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
    the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
    because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take
    every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
    -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
    Love, Mum
    (#170) The Old
    Man
    Arnold had reached
    the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
    Worried by Arnold's
    absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see
    him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
    all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
    Arnold looked around
    and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got
    to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
    100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten
    about me and I don't want to remind him."
    (#171) Saving
    Money
    Abe's son arrived
    home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
    "Dad, you'll be
    so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all
    the way home!"
    "Oy Vey!" said Abe,
    "You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10."
    (#172) Moishe
    Cohen
    Walking through
    Londons Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
    shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the
    sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
    "Moishe Cohen?"
    he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop
    and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks,
    "How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
    The old man answers,
    "Is name of owner."
    The tourist asks,
    "Well, who and where is the owner?"
    "Me, is right here,"
    replies the old man.
    "You? How did you
    ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
    "Is simple," says
    the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand
    in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
    Poland.
    Lady look at him
    and go, 'What your name?'
    He say, 'Moishe
    Cohen.'
    Then she look at
    me and go, 'What your name?'
    I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
    (#173) A Good
    Read
    Abe is sitting on
    a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best
    friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
    "What are you doing
    reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
    Abe replies, "The
    Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems
    in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about
    good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews
    control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
    Better to read nothing but good news!"
    (#174) The plaque
    One Saturday morning,
    the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that
    hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small
    British flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had
    been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood
    beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
    "Good morning, Rabbi,"
    replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
    "Rabbi, what is
    this?" Alex asked.
    "Well, son, it's
    a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
    Soberly, they stood
    together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely
    audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
    (#175) Shadchen
    1
    A shadchen, having
    sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect
    to see her.
    Cyril took one look
    at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
    "What's the matter?"
    asked the shadchen.
    "You said she was
    young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she
    was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely,
    but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
    "You don't have
    to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
    (#176) Shadken
    2
    A shadken goes to
    see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
    Martin replies,
    "I never interfere in my son's life."
    The shadken responds,
    "But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
    "Well, in that case..."
    Next, the shadken
    approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
    "But my daughter
    is too young to marry."
    "But this young
    man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
    "Ah, in that case..."
    Finally, the shadken
    goes to see the president of the World Bank.
    "I have a young
    man to recommend to you as a vice president."
    "But I already have
    more vice presidents than I need."
    "But this young
    man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
    "Ah, in that case...."
    (#177) Gods Email!
    One day God was
    looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided
    to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
    When the angel returned,
    he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad
    and 5% was good.
    God thought a moment
    and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of
    view.
    When the female
    angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and
    5% was good.
    God thought about
    what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that
    were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them,
    something to help keep them going.
    Do you know what
    the e-mail said?....
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    No???
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /...
    Oh! YOU didn't get
    one either.
    (#178) Hagbah!
    In their infinite
    wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul.
    With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints
    in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again.
    He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course -
    push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
    Six months later,
    he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks
    up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While
    the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just
    in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says,
    "What do you think of that, then?"
    The Gabbai replies,
    "Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
    (#179) Abe and
    Moshe!
    Abe ran into Moishe
    one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
    "Abe, I'm into racehorses
    at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money
    already."
    "How can I get into
    it, Moishe?"
    "Well, I have a
    horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll
    let you have it for £120,000."
    Abe agreed and gave
    Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
    Three days later,
    Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The
    horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
    A month later, Abe
    runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
    "Moishe, nu? What's
    new?"
    "Umm, things are
    well. And with you?"
    "Things are great!"
    "Abe, you're not
    upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
    "Not at all Moishe.
    In fact, it made me a lot of money."
    "How is that? It
    was dead!"
    "Well, I had a raffle.
    I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
    "Wasn't the winner
    upset he won a dead racehorse?"
    Abe shrugs, "so,
    I gave him back his £5!"
    (#180) Exclusive
    Clubs!
    O'Brien kept nudging
    Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only
    Jews could play golf there.
    He drove him crazy
    for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked,
    his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer.
    O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him
    to say that he made tallis.
    Sure enough, after
    playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he
    hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
    He replied, "My
    name is Goldberg."
    "What do you do
    for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
    He replies, "I'm
    a manufacturer."
    "What do you manufacture?"
    "I make tallises."
    "You know, I always
    wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant.
    Can you tell me?"
    O'Brien said, "to
    tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".
    Comments


    (#181) Bagels
    A German comes to London and stays with
    Maurice and his family.
    The first morning they all have breakfast
    together and have bagels. The German exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels
    like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And who's
    fault is that?"
    (#182) Can You Spare A Penny?
    A man walked to the top of a hill to talk
    to God.
    The man asked, "God, what's a million
    years to you?"
    And God said "A minute."
    Then the man asked: "Well, what's a million
    pounds to you?"
    And God said: "A penny"
    Then the man asked: "God.....can I have
    a penny?"
    And God said: "Sure.....in a minute."
    (#183) Politics
    Israel's economy is in a bad way, inflation
    is getting higher and immigrants are flooding in from all over the world.
    Problems, problems, problems, but what should they do? So the Knesset holds
    a special session to come up with a solution.
    After several hours of talk without progress
    one member, Yitzhak, stands up and says "Quiet everyone, I've got it, I've
    got the solution to all our problems. We'll declare war on the United States."
    Everyone starts shouting at once. "You're
    nuts! That's crazy!"
    "Hear me out!" says Yitzhak. "We declare
    war. We lose. The United States does what she always does when she defeats
    a country. She rebuilds everything; our highways, airports, shipping ports,
    schools, hospitals, factories, and loans us money, and sends us food aid.
    Our problems would be over.
    "Sure," says Benny, another minister,
    "that's if we lose. But what if we win?"
    (#184) The confession
    Two five year-olds, one Jewish, the other
    Catholic, are playing in a sandpit. Sean says to David, "Our priest knows
    more about things than your rabbi!"
    To which David replies, "Of course he
    does, you tell him everything."
    (#185) Jewish employment
    "My son," says Yetta, "is a physicist."
    "My son," says Sadie, "is president of
    an insurance company."
    "My son," says Becky, "is the head of
    a law firm and president of the Law Society."
    "My son," says Hannah, "is a rabbi."
    "A rabbi? What kind of career is that
    for a Jewish boy?"
    (#186) All we ever seem to hear is Jewish
    jokes so here are two gentile jokes
    Patrick goes into the John Lewis Menswear
    department and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
    The salesman says, "It's £500."
    Patrick says, "OK, I'll take it."
    Sean calls his mother. "Mother, I know
    you 're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important has come
    up and I can't make it."
    His mother says, "OK."
    (#187) Jewish logic.
    Hymie says to Bernie, Listen, why do
    we need this letter M in the word Yitzhak?
    Bernie says, But there is no M in Yitzhak!
    Hymie replies, No, I mean what if we
    insert it there?
    Bernie says, But why do we need to insert
    M in Yitzhak?
    And Hymie then says, But that's exactly
    what I'm asking you. Why do we need M in the word Yitzhak?
    (#188) Jewish Mothers
    Q: Why did the Jewish Mother want to be
    buried near Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
    A: To be sure her daughter would visit
    her twice a week.
    Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser
    say to her customer?
    A: You never write, you never call and
    you only visit me when you need money.
    Q: What did the Jewish Mother say when
    her daughter told her she was having an affair?
    A: Who's doing the catering?
    Q: What kind of cigarettes do Jewish Mothers
    smoke?
    A: Gefiltered.
    Q: What is the most common disease transmitted
    by Jewish Mothers?
    A: Guilt.
    Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make such good
    parole officers?
    A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.
    Q: What is a genius?
    A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
    (#189) You Never Listen
    Sarah comes home from her long stay in
    Uganda and surprises her mother Bette, who is in the process of lighting
    the Friday night candles and serving the matzoh ball soup. Bette is so
    thrilled she can't stop hugging and kissing Sarah.
    Finally she says, "Sit down, darling.
    Tell me all about what you were doing."
    Sarah says, "Mum, I got married."
    "Oy, mazeltov," says Bette, "But how could
    you do that without telling me? What's he like? What does he do? Where
    is he?"
    "He's waiting outside while I tell you."
    "What are you talking about? Bring him
    in. I want to meet my new son-in-law."
    Sarah brings him in and to her consternation,
    Bette sees a black man standing before her wearing an evil grin, a feathered
    cod piece, an ornate head dress, animal tooth beads and holding a tall
    spear.
    Bette says to Sarah, "You stupid idiot. 
    I said RICH doctor!"
    (#190) All In A Days Work
    Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging
    about their children.
    Freda says, "Benny graduated with a first
    class honours degree from Oxford and he's now a doctor making £250,000
    a year in Harley Street."
    Kitty says, "Sidney graduated with a first
    class honours degree from Cambridge and he's now a lawyer making half a
    million pounds a year and he lives in the City."
    Ethel says, "Abe never did well in school,
    never went to university but he now makes one million pounds a year working
    as a sports repairman."
    The other two women ask, "So what's a
    sports repairman?"
    Ethel replies, "He fixes football matches,
    rugby matches, cricket matches....."
    (#191) Last Wish
    Three hunters, Chuck, Thomas and Abe,
    are on safari. Unfortunately they are captured by cannibals, who start
    getting the cooking pots ready. The cannibal chief tells them they can
    each have one last wish.
    "What's your last request?" he asks Chuck,
    an American.
    "I'd like a steak," he replies.
    So the cannibals kill a zebra and serve
    Chuck with his steak.
    "What do you want?" the cannibal chief
    asks Thomas, a Londoner.
    "I'd like to smoke my cigar," which they
    let him do.
    Then the chief asks Abe, an Israeli, "What's
    your last wish?"
    "I want you to kick my bum."
    "Be serious," says the chief.
    "Please do it - you promised," says Abe.
    "OK," says the chief and delivers the
    requested kick. Abe then pulls out a gun, shoots the chief and a few other
    cannibals while the rest run away.
    Chuck and Thomas are furious.
    "Why didn't you do that in the first place
    so we wouldn't have had to go through all this?" they ask Abe.
    Abe replies, "Are you mad? If I had done
    that, the UN would have condemned me as the aggressor."
    (#192) Bad Attitude Parrot
    David received a parrot for his birthday.
    This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
    Every other word was a swear word. Those that weren't were, to say the
    least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
    saying polite words, playing soft Israeli dance music, anything that came
    to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, but the bird got worse.
    He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
    Finally, in a moment of desperation, David
    put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking,
    kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet. David was frightened
    that he might have actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer
    door.
    The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's
    extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
    and actions. I ask for your forgiveness. I will go to synagogue with you
    every week to pray and I will try to modify my behaviour."
    David was astounded at the bird's change
    in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,
    "May I ask what the chicken did?"
    (#193) The Donations
    Kol Nidre was fast approaching and the
    Rabbi remembered his dissatisfaction with the donations given by his congregation
    last year. He wasn't confident that he could get more from them this year.
    The synagogue Treasurer suggested to him that perhaps he might be able
    to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
    "And just how would I go about doing that?"
    he asked.
    "It is very simple. First you ensure all
    windows are shut so that the shul is warmer than usual. Then you give your
    usual sermon, but in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on
    a chain and swing it in a slow arc backwards and forwards and suggest to
    the congregation that they pledge 10 times more than they did last year."
    So on Kol Nidre night, the Rabbi did as
    suggested, and lo and behold, they pledged 10 times more than normal.
    Now, the Rabbi did not want to take advantage
    of this technique each and every year so he waited 2 years before trying
    mass hypnosis again.
    Just as the last of the congregation was
    becoming mesmerised, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the
    floor with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
    "Crap!" exclaimed the Rabbi.
    It took them a week to clean up the synagogue.
    go to seventh set
    Comments


    (#194) The dinner date
    Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to
    go out to dinner.
    Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says
    to Shlomo, Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I
    put on the Gucci outfit?
    What do I care? Shlomo replies.
    Yetta then asks, Darling, shall I wear
    my Rolex or my Cartier watch?
    Who gives a damn? says Shlomo.
    Yetta then says to Shlomo Darling, shall
    I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?
    To which Shlomo responds Hey, if you
    dont get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird
    Special!
    (#195) The convert
    Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the
    street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see
    a big sign posted that says: - CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET £20.
    Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
    Shlomo turns to him and says, Abe, whats
    going on?
    Shlomo, replies Abe, Im thinking of
    doing it.
    Shlomo says, What, are you crazy?
    Abe thinks for a minute and says, Shlomo,
    Im going to do it.
    With that, Abe strides purposely into
    the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
    So, asks Shlomo, did you get your £20?
    Abe looks up at him and says, Is that
    all you people think of?
    (#196) The tourist
    A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking
    for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
    Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie
    Deutsch sprechen? he says.
    The two Israelis just stare at him.
    Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?
    The two continue to stare.
    Parlare Italiano?
    No response.
    Hablan ustedes Espanol?
    Still nothing.
    The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely
    disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says,
    You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language
    Why? says his friend, that bloke knew
    four languages and that didnt do him any good!
    (#197) Differences between Jewish Men
    and Women.
    Women have more imagination than men.
    They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
    Women have a number of faults. Men have
    only two - everything they say and everything they do.
    A successful man is one who makes more
    money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
    a man.
    Men wake up as good-looking as they
    went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
    When women are depressed they either
    eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
    A man is a person who will pay £2
    for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a
    £2 item that she doesn't want.
    Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs
    are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
    It's not true that men prefer foolish
    women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever
    necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
    Men always want to be a woman's first
    love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's
    last romance.
    To be happy with a man, a woman must
    understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a
    man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
    A woman marries a man expecting he will
    change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
    change and she does.
    Men marry because they are tired; women
    marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
    A woman worries about the future until
    she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he
    gets a wife.
    A woman will always cherish the memory
    of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory
    of the woman who he didn't.
    There are two times when a man doesn't
    understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
    Only two things are necessary for a
    man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having
    her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
    Married men live longer than single
    men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
    Any married man should forget his mistakes
    its no use two people remembering the same thing.
    Some husbands are living proof that
    a woman can take a joke.
    Husbands are like cars: all are good
    the first year.
    A woman has the last word in any argument.
    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
    Men are like animals, but they make
    great pets.
    (#198) Commitment
    Most men fantasise in having a relationship
    with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a
    woman means giving up his fantasy.
    Most women fantasise in having a relationship
    with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment
    to a man means achieving her fantasy.
    Conclusion:  commitment means
    that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
    (#199) The Saucer
    Roberto is an art connoisseur and one
    day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front
    of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the
    saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into
    the store and offered £2 for the cat.
    "It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
    "Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty
    and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my
    offer to £10."
    "It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed
    the money.
    "For that sum I'm sure you won't mind
    throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
    from it."
    "Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's
    my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
    (#200) Competition
    Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls
    up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles
    at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got
    a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
    David, the driver of Rolls looks over
    and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
    "Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got
    a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
    David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I
    have a refrigerator."
    Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen,
    have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
    David, looking very annoyed by now, says,
    "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
    in the world!"
    "Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got
    a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
    Upset that he hadnt, David immediately
    drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in
    the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb
    bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
    David immediately went searching for the
    Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows
    fogged up from the inside.
    He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo
    stuck his head out, soaking wet.
    "I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
    David stated arrogantly.
    "Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me
    out of the shower to tell me this?"
    (#201) Name change
    Abe was one of the best talent spotters
    in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abes office and says he
    wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
    The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit,
    does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
    "Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I
    can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the
    early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
    The young man, proud and excited, exclaims
    "Penis Van Lesbian."
    "'Scuse me?," questions Abe.
    "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies
    the young man.
    "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have
    to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
    Lesbian."
    Well the young man is crestfallen but
    steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
    A few months later he returns to Abe.
    "Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work?
    Have ya changed your name?"
    With his head hanging low the young man
    replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis
    Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
    "Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
    "Dick Van Dyke."
    (#202) Jewish Doctors
    The following quotes were taken from actual
    medical records from Israeli hospitals...
    Between you and me, we ought to be able
    to get this lady pregnant.
    She is numb from her toes down.
    By the time he was admitted, his rapid
    heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
    Patient has chest pain if she lies on
    her left side for over a year.
    On the second day the knee was better
    and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
    She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
    but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
    The patient has been depressed ever
    since she began seeing me in 1983.
    Patient was released to outpatient department
    without dressing.
    I have suggested that he loosen his
    pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
    they should fall to the floor.
    The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
    She also appears to be depressed.
    Discharge status: Alive but without
    permission.
    Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
    male, mentally alert but forgetful.
    The patient refused an autopsy.
    The patient has no past history of suicides.
    Patient has left his white blood cells
    at another hospital.
    The patient's past medical history has
    been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
    three days.
    She slipped on the ice and apparently
    her legs went in separate directions in early December.
    The patient experienced sudden onset
    of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema
    at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
    room.
    The patient had waffles for breakfast
    and anorexia for lunch.
    The patient was in his usual state of
    good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
    When she fainted, her eyes rolled around
    the room.
    (#203) The Lucky Frog
    Abe lives in Tel Aviv. One day, he takes
    the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
    when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Abe thinks nothing of
    it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". Abe looks around
    and doesn't see anyone.
    "Ribbit. 9 Iron." And then Abe realises
    that the frog is doing the talking.
    He looks at the frog and decides to prove
    the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He
    hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow,
    that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit.
    Lucky frog." Abe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
    "What do you think, frog?" Abe asks. "Ribbit.
    3 wood." Abe takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Abe is befuddled
    and doesn't know what to say ..
    By the end of the day, Abe has golfed
    the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
    The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Abe says,
    "OK frog, now what?"
    The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
    Upon approaching the roulette table, Abe
    asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black
    6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
    Abe figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
    the table. Abe takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
    He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
    won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
    Kiss Me." Abe figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
    deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
    "And that, your honor, is how the girl
    ended up in my room."
    (#204) Men's Guide to Women
    * Single women complain that all good
    men are married,
    * All married women complain about their
    lousy husbands.
    Conclusion: There is no such thing
    as a good man.
    (#205) THE JEWISH RULES
    The female always makes the rules.
    The rules are subject to change at any
    time without prior notification.
    No male can possibly know all the rules.
    If the female suspects the male knows
    all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
    The female is never wrong.
    If the female is wrong, it is due to
    a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did
    or said wrong.
    If the above applies, the male must
    apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
    An apology without flowers is not an
    apology.
    The female may change her mind at any
    time.
    The male must never change his mind
    at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
    The male may not point out that the
    woman has changed her mind.
    The female has every right to be angry
    or upset at any time.
    The male must remain calm at all times,
    unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
    The female must, under no circumstances,
    let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
    The female is ready when she is ready.
    The male must be ready at all times.
    If the female is PMS, all rules are
    null & void.
    The male may not inquire if the woman
    is angry or upset.
    The male may not inquire when the women
    will be ready.
    The male may not inquire about the women's
    time of the month.
    The male is expected to mind-read at
    all times.
    The male must earn the respect of the
    female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her
    character.
    (#206) The drinker
    Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all
    night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood
    up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;
    same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
    maybe that would sober him up.
    Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat
    on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When
    he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
    crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
    Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
    upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon
    as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife,
    Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
    "What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
    Yente replied "The pub called -- you left
    your wheelchair there again."
    (#207) New Career
    Moishe came home from work one day to
    find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed.
    Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, "I'm going to
    Las Vegas."
    Moishe questioned her as to why she was
    going, and Yvonne told him "I just found out that I can make £1,000
    a night doing what I give you for free." Moishe pondered that for a while,
    went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and
    his wife.
    Yvonne said, "And just where do you think
    you are going?"
    Moishe replied, "I'm going, too."
    "Why?" She asked.
    Moishe said, "I want to see how you are
    going to live on £1,000 a year."
    (#208) The school play
    Yossi comes home from school and tells
    his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says
    the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish
    husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you
    want a speaking part!!"
    (#209) Riddles
    Q: Why is it so important for the groom
    at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
    A: Because it's probably the last time
    he'll put his foot down.
    Q: What do you call a Jewish man who's
    lost 80% of his brain?
    A: A widower!
    (#210) The Jewish husband
    Moishe is talking to one of his friends.
    My wife Bettie will never have to work.
    All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.
    His friend said Thats nice to hear,
    I am sure she appreciates you.
    Well, I am not so sure, replies Moishe. 
    Bettie thinks Im too nosy. Well, thats what she wrote in her diary,
    anyway.
    (#211) Jewish Marriage advice
    Dont marry a beautiful person. They
    may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?
    go to eighth set
    Comments


    (#212) The special award
    Maurice had worked most of his life helping
    his community and he was therefore thrilled one morning to hear that his
    unselfish work had been recognised by the Queen, no less. She had decided
    to bestow on Maurice a knighthood.
    But his elation soon turned to dismay
    when he realised that his ceremony would take place on the first night
    of Pesach. What on earth should I do, thought Maurice, should I attend
    ceder night with my loving family or should I accept one of the highest
    honours in the land? His family soon talked him into going to the Palace.
    The award is too special to turn down and you would always live to regret
    it, they told him.
    His next worry was what to say to the
    Queen. He just couldn't think of anything that would be of interest to
    her. He just hoped that he would come up with something on the day.
    Come the special day. There was Maurice,
    on his knees, being knighted, with the Queen touching his shoulders with
    her sword and Maurice shaking with excitement. All of a sudden, he burst
    out with Ma Nishtona haleila hazeh.
    The Queen looked at Prince Philip with
    a surprised expression on her face and said to him Why is this knight
    different from all other knights?
    (#213) Mind reader
    My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest
    and fastest-growing businesses in North West London, a furniture store.
    I convinced him that he needed to take
    a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was
    still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get
    lucky.
    As Moishe was checking into a hotel, he
    struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian
    and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.
    He took out a pencil and a notebook and
    drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for
    a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
    with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner
    he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs,
    drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite
    late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
    bed.
    Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day
    remarks to me that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was
    in the furniture business.
    (#214) The Screams
    Three men are discussing their previous
    night's lovemaking. Alberto the Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all
    over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for
    five minutes. "Marcel the Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my
    wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
    Maurice Cohen says, "I covered my wife's
    body with schmaltz. We made love and she screamed for six hours. "The others
    say, "Six hours? How did you make her scream for six hours?" Maurice shrugs.
    "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
    (#215) You can't hide the truth
    Henry Goldberg invited his mother Freda
    over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn't help but
    keep noticing how beautiful Henry 's roommate, Debbie, was.
    Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship
    between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over
    the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started
    to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.
    Reading his mum's thoughts, Henry said, "I know what you must be thinking,
    mum, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates."
    About a week later, Debbie said to Henry
    "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful
    silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Henry replied
    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he
    sat down and wrote:
    Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did"
    take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you "did not"
    take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever
    since you were here for dinner.
    Several days later, Henry received a letter
    from his mother, which read:
    Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do"
    sleep with Debbie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Debbie.
    But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
    have found the gravy ladle by now.
    Love Mum
    Lesson of the day - don't lie to a Jewish
    mother.
    (#216) Quickies
    Q: How do Jewish wives get their children
    ready for supper?
    A: They put them in the car.
    Yetta, a friend of mine, confused her Valium
    pills with her birth control pills. As a result, she had ten children but
    she doesn't really care.
    Q: What does a Jewish husband call a waterbed?
    A: The Dead Sea.
    It's one of life's mysteries  - how
    a 2Ib box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5lb.
    Another of life's mysteries is when a Jewish
    woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
    The trouble with some Jewish women is that
    they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
     
    (#217) The chosen ones
    And Moses said unto the lord, "We are
    your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
    (#218) The eggs
    Rabbi Josephs was cleaning up the house
    when he came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave
    it alone as it was personal. One day, when she was out, his curiosity got
    the best of him. He opened the box and inside found 3 eggs and £2,000.
    When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box and he asked
    her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had
    a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box..........
    He interrupted, "In twenty years, only
    three bad sermons, that's not bad."
    His wife continued...... and every time
    I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for £1.
    (#219) Good advice
    Jeremy warned his son against marrying
    a 'shiksa.'
    The son replied, "But she's converting
    to Judaism."
    "It doesn't matter," Jeremy said, "a shiksa
    will cause problems."
    After the wedding, Jeremy called the son,
    who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work.
    "It's Shabbos," the son replied.
    Jeremy was surprised and said, "But we
    always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day."
    "I won't work anymore on Saturday," the
    son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos."
    "See," Jeremy said, "I told you marrying
    a shiksa would cause problems."
    (#220) The caterer
    The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his
    father's bedside. His father is near death.
    Father: "Son."
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: (weakly) "Son. That smell. Is
    your mother making my favourite cheese cake?"
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: (even weaker) "Ah, if I could
    just have one more piece of your mum's cheese cake. Would you get me a
    piece?"
    Son: "OK, Dad."
    (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen.
    After a while the son returns and sits down next to his father again.)
    Father: "Is that you son?"
    Son: "Yes Dad."
    Father: "Did you bring the cheese cake?"
    Son: "No Dad."
    Father: "Why? It's my dying wish!"
    Son: "Well Dad. Mom says the cake is for
    after the funeral."
    (#221) The special order
    Abraham, an old Jewish immigrant, is a
    cloth merchant. He lives in London next door to Craig, the biggest Anti-Semite
    in town. One day Craig calls up Abraham and says, "Hey Jew. I want to buy
    a piece of orange cloth. The length must be from the tip of your nose to
    the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow."
    Abe says "OK."
    The next morning Craig is awoken at 7am
    by the sound of lorries. He runs outside to see dozens of lorries dumping
    load after load of orange cloth in his front garden. Soon the front of
    his house is a sea of orange cloth 5 feet deep. Abe then presents Craig
    with a bill for £12,000.
    Craig starts yelling and screaming at
    Abe. "Jew, what are you doing to me? I asked you for a piece of cloth from
    the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place. What
    do you have to say for yourself?"
    Abe replies, "The tip of my penis is in
    Poland."
    (#222) Moishe the Cowboy
    In the early 1800's, Moishe had to go
    to Omaha on business.
    He went to the stagecoach office and asked,
    "How much ah teeket to Omaha?" The clerk responded, "five dollars". "Too
    much!" he complained. "Anyvay, I ain't got $5, I only got $2, so dere!".
    "Well you ain't goin ta Omaha for $2, so forget it!" said the clerk. "Liss'n,
    I got ta get ta Omaha. I got vely imput'n buiness dere. Pliess! Maybe you
    could do sumtink for me?" "I'll tell you what I can do," said the clerk.
    "We need somebody to ride shotgun. Gimme the $2 and you could ride shotgun."
    "Vutaya talkin' ride shotgun? I need ta ride on da stegecoych!" said Moishe.
    "No, No! You don't understand!" said the
    clerk. "You ride up on the top with the driver. You hold this rifle and
    if you see any Indians, you shoot 'em."
    "Vut you talkin' shoot Indians? I ain't
    never shot no Indians," replied Moishe.
    "Listen to me! It's easy. You see an Indian;
    you point the gun at him and pull this trigger. Just give me the $2 and
    get up there with the driver," demanded the clerk.
    So Moishe climbed up with the driver and
    off they rode into the prairie.
    About 3 hours into the trip, the driver
    asked, "Ya see any Injuns?"
    "Yep, I see vone." said Moishe. "How far
    away is he?" asked the driver. "How could I know dis?" asked Moishe, who
    then put his hand in front of the driver's face and held his thumb and
    forefinger about a half inch apart and said, "He looks dis big; should
    I shoot 'em?" "Not yet," said the driver. "You'll never hit him he's too
    far away. Wait 'til he gets closer." Another couple of hours passed and
    once again the driver asked, "Do ya still see the Injun?""Yep, I still
    see 'em." Again Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and this
    time held his thumb and forefinger about an inch apart and said, "He looks
    dis big, should I shoot 'em yet?" "Not yet," said the driver. "He's still
    too far away. Wait until he gets closer. I'll tell you when to shoot 'em."
    Well, this same continued every few hours
    for several days. On the third day of their journey when asked if he still
    saw the Indian, Moishe demonstrated the size of the Indian by spreading
    his arms as far as he could from top to bottom, indicating that the Indian
    now looked very big. The driver said, "Okay, Now he's close enough. Now
    you can shoot 'em!"
    Moishe hesitated and then said, "Nah,
    I couldn' shoot'em." "Whadya mean you cain't shoot 'em? Why not?" demanded
    the driver. Moishe put his hand in front of the driver's face and held
    his thumb and forefinger about a half inch apart, and said, "How could
    I shoot 'em? I've known him ince he was dis big!"
    (#223) Quasimodo Levy - 1
    Quasimodo Levy had finally decided to
    retire and the Abbott placed an advert in the Church gazette for a new
    bell ringer. One day a man with no arms came to the church to apply for
    the bell ringer's position. The Abbott, being an equal opportunity employer,
    said he would consider the armless man for the position if he could prove
    he could do the job. The armless man was led to the bell tower and when
    Quasimodo Levy asked him to do his stuff, the man got a running start and
    charged face-first into the bell. A beautiful melodious tone sang through
    the valley. So beautiful that all the townspeople came out of their houses
    crying, "who rang that bell - such a sound - hire him, hire him!"
    Quasimodo Levy promptly asked him to ring
    the bell again. The man again took a running start but unfortunately slipped
    and plunged over the parapet to his death.
    The townspeople were aghast and one called
    out, "who was that man?"
    Quasimodo Levy replied, "I don't know
    but his face rings a bell."
    (#224) Quasimodo Levy - 2
    Unfortunately, this still left the church
    without a bell ringer. So the Abbott re-advertised the job. Another armless
    man showed up to apply for the position, claiming he was the dead man's
    brother and, having learned all he knew about bell ringing from his brother,
    declared that it was only right that he take over the bell ringer's position
    and succeed where his brother could not (due to his untimely death, naturally).
    The Abbott gave the brother the same chance to prove his ability. The brother
    charged at the bell smacking it with his face and eliciting a lovely mellow
    tone which was heard all throughout the valley. The townspeople came running
    into the square calling out "who rang that bell? Such tone, such vibrato
    - hire him, hire him!!
    Noting that it was nearing 3pm and time
    to ring the bell for real, Quasimodo Levy instructed the man to do the
    same. The man backed up to start his run and misjudged how close he was
    to the edge of the bell tower. He stepped backward and fell to his death.
    The Abbott turned to Quasimodo Levy and
    asked, "who was that man?"
    Replied Quasimodo Levy, "I don't know,
    but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
    (#225) Jewish Men's Rules
    Anything we said six or eight months
    ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after
    seven days.
    If we say something that can be interpreted
    in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other
    way.
    Let us ogle. If we don't look at other
    women how can we know how pretty you are?
    Don't rub the lamp if you don't want
    the genie to come out.
    You can either ask us to do something
    OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
    Whenever possible, please say whatever
    you have to say during the commercials.
    Christopher Columbus didn't need directions
    and neither do we.
    Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut
    blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
    When we're turning the wheel and the
    car is nosing onto the motorway exit, your saying "This is our exit" is
    not necessary.
    Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective
    than deceived.
    (#226) Noah's ark
    And the Lord said unto Noah, Where is
    the ark which I have commanded thee to build?
    And Noah said unto the Lord, Verily,
    I have had three carpenters off ill. The gopher wood supplier hath let
    me down yea, even though the gopher wood hath been on order nigh upon
    12 months. What can I do, O Lord?
    And the Lord said unto Noah, I want that
    ark finished even after 7 days and 7 nights.
    And Noah said, It will be so.
    And it was not so. And the Lord said unto
    Noah, What seemeth to be the trouble this time?
    And Noah said unto the Lord, Mine sub-contractor
    hath gone bankrupt. The pitch, which Thou commandest me to put on the outside
    and on the inside of the ark, hath not arrived. The plumber hath gone on
    strike. Shem, my son who helpeth me on the ark side of the business, hath
    formed a rock group with his brothers Ham and Japheth. Lord, I am undone.
    And the Lord grew angry and said, And
    what about the animals, the male and the female of every sort that I have
    ordered to come unto thee to keep their seed alive upon the face of the
    earth?
    And Noah said, They have been delivered
    unto the wrong address but should arrive on Friday.
    And the Lord said, How about the unicorns,
    and the fowls of the air by sevens?
    And Noah wrung his hands and wept, saying,
    Lord, unicorns are a discontinued line; thou canst not get them for love
    nor money. And fowls of the air are sold only in half-dozens. Lord, Lord,
    Thou knowest how it is.
    And the Lord in his wisdom said, Noah,
    my son, I know. Why else dost thou think I have caused a flood to descend
    upon the earth?
    (#227) A sign of prosperity
    Maurice started his very own business,
    which almost immediately began to prosper. He was soon a very rich man.
    One day, his bank manager rang him and said, Maurice, I have a query on
    one of your recent cheques. Could you confirm it is one of yours? For years,
    you've been signing all cheques with two Xs but this one is signed with
    three Xs. Is it yours?
    Maurice replied, Yes, it is. Since I've
    become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name.
    (#228) Latest inventions from Chelm
    · A water-proof towel
    · Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses
    · A solar powered torch
    · A book called how to read
    · Water-proof tea bags
    · A pedal-powered wheel chair
    · A full index for a dictionary
    (#229) Short summary of every Jewish
    holiday
    They tried to kill us.
    We won.
    Let's eat.
    (#230) The Jewish diamond ring
    A businessman boarded a plane and sat
    next to Hannah, an elegant woman wearing the largest and most stunning
    diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it.
    "This is the Egoheimer diamond," Hannah
    said, "it's beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
    "What's the curse?" the man asked.
    "Mr Egoheimer."
    (#231) The Arab and the little old Jewish
    man
    An Arab was walking through the Sahara
    desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.
    Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find Hymie sitting
    at a card table with a bunch of ties laid out on it.
    The Arab asked "Please, I'm dying of thirst,
    can I have some water?".
    Hymie replied "I don't have any water,
    but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
    The Arab replied, "I don't want a tie,
    I need water."
    "OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you
    what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4
    miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water
    you want."
    The Arab thanked him and walked away towards
    the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling
    back to where Hymie was sitting behind his card table.
    Hymie said "I told you, about 4 miles
    over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
    The Arab rasped, "I found it all right.
    But they wouldn't let me in without a tie."
    (#232) The Bush
    George W. Bush Jr was in an airport lobby
    and noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white
    beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some
    stone tablets under the other arm.
    George Bush approached the man and inquired,
    "Aren't you Moses."
    The man ignored George and stared at the
    ceiling.
    George Bush positioned himself more directly
    in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses".
    The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
    George tugged at the man's sleeve and
    asked once again, "Aren't you Moses".
    The man finally responded in an irritated
    voice, "Yes I am".
    George asked him why he was so uppity
    and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty
    years in the desert".
    (#233) The Japanese tourist
    A tourist from Japan is walking the streets
    of Manhattan. He is trying to find Bloomingdales Department Store, without
    success. He stops an elderly Jewish-Polish woman, and asks: "Excuse me.
    Can you tell me how to find Bloomingdales?"
    "You found Pearl Harbour. Find Bloomingdales!"
    (#234) At the tavern
    Abe walks into the local tavern and sees
    his friend Moishe sitting at the bar. He puts his hand to his heart and
    yells: "Oy vey, Moishe! I'm so sorry to hear about your shop burning down."
    Moishe spun around quickly and whispered,
    "Shhhh..... it's tomorrow!!!"
    (#235) The Jewish mother
    The remarkable thing about my mother is
    that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original
    meal has never been found.
    (#236) Mealtime
    It was mealtime during a flight on El
    Al.
    "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant
    asked Moishe, seated in front.
    "What are my choices?" Moishe asked.
    "Yes or no," she replied.
    (#237) The Israeli archaeologist
    An archaeologist was digging in the Negev
    Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare
    occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe,
    the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
    "I've just discovered a 3,000 year old
    mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
    Abe replied, "Bring him in. We'll check
    it out."
    A week later, the amazed Abe called the
    archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of
    death. How in the world did you know?"
    "Easy. There was a piece of paper in his
    hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
    (#238) The Israeli worker's union
    Max, a Vaadnik (union head) is addressing
    a union meeting at a certain unnamed Israeli government-owned company.
    "Comrades - Haverim. We have agreed on
    a new deal with the management. We will no longer work five days a week."
    "Hooray!", goes the crowd.
    "We will finish work at 3 PM, not 4 PM."
    "Hooray!", goes the crowd, again.
    "We will start work at 9 AM, not 7 AM."
    "Hooray!"
    "We have a 150% pay rise."
    "Hooray!"
    "We will only work on Wednesdays."
    Silence...then a voice from the back asks,
    "Every Wednesday?"
    (#239) The storm
    It was a terrible night, blowing cold
    and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the
    local baker was just about to close up shop when Bernie slipped through
    the door.  He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled
    in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.
    As Bernie unwound his scarf he said to
    the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"
    The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? 
    Nothing more?"
    "That's right," answered Bernie, "One
    for me and one for Bernice."
    "Bernice is your wife?" asked the baker.
    "What do you think," snapped Bernie, "my
    mother would send me out on a night like this?"
    (#240) Getting Old
    God grant me the senility to forget the
    people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that
    I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
    Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow
    up), here's what I've discovered: I started out with nothing, and I still
    have most of it.
    My wild oats have turned into prunes and
    All Bran.
    I finally got my head together; now my
    body is falling apart.
    Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
    It is easier to get older than it is to
    get wiser.
    I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could
    use a few...
    Kids in the back seat cause accidents.  
    Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't
    been anywhere.
    The only time the world beats a path to
    your door is when you're in the bathroom.
    If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would
    have put them on my knees.
    It's not hard to meet expenses...they're
    everywhere.
    The only difference between a rut and a
    grave is the depth.
    These days, I spend a lot of time thinking
    about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder
    what I'm here after.
     
    go
    to nineth set
    Comments


    (#241) Mrs Goldsteins golfing special
    Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day
    when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
    it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If
    you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
    Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein
    immediately freed the frog.
    The frog thanked her and said "Im sorry
    but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
    whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
    better!"
    Mrs Goldstein replied, "Thats OK Im
    happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most
    beautiful woman in the world.  The frog warned her, "You do realise
    that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the
    world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
    Mrs Goldstein replied, "Its not a problem,
    because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for
    me.
    So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
    beautiful woman in the world!
    For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked
    to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr
    Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
    than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " Its not a problem, because what's mine
    is his and what's his is mine."
    So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
    woman in the world!
    The frog then inquired about her third
    wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
    Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches.
    Don't mess with them.
    (#242) A very important question
    Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
    One day in June, he goes on holiday with
    his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore
    on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages
    and interests between them.
    Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah
    what was, to him, an important question. He asked, If I lost everything,
    all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love
    me, Sarah?
    Yes, darling, said Sarah, and Id miss
    you too.
    (#243) An accumulation of wealth
    Jack Jacobs was one day poking through
    his wife Suzies bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000
    in cash. He just didnt know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie
    with this evidence. You dont even play golf!
    I know dear. Suzie said. Weve had
    some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other
    men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer
    to remind me of my error.
     I see, replied Jack. That explains
    the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?
    Oh, beamed Suzie, every time I collected
    a dozen golf balls, I sold them.
    (#244) The book purchase
    Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually
    inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought  How
    to Hug
    Later on, when he started to read his
    latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
    (#245) The champion of champions
    One day, some builders are renovating
    an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through
    the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles,
    Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is
    wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
    ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948
    (#246) Who will it be, then?
    Moishe had been single for a long time.
    One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last
    and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
    Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for
    fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
    I'm going to marry."
    His mother agrees.
    The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful
    women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat
    for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess
    which one I'm going to marry?"
    She immediately replies, "The red-head
    in the middle."
    "That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How
    did you know?"
    "I don't like her."
    (#247) Ive lost my appetite
    Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda,
    were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation.
    "Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand
    something. I simply have no appetite lately.  No matter how much I
    try to eat, I have no appetite."
    Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor,
    the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite
    I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get
    an appetite.
    So I tried it and it was true.  So
    take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and
    you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
    A few days later the two meet again in
    the park.
    "Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? 
    Did the herring give you an appetite?"
    Zelda sighed, "I took your advice. 
    First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. 
    I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings.  But Gertrude,
    your advice didn't work for me.  Would you believe, when lunch time
    came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
    (#248) I cant sleep
    "Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. 
    "If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking
    your
    trouble to bed with you."
    "I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. 
    "My wife refuses to sleep alone."
    (#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
    Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers
    to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered.  But the next day,
    Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. 
    It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
    One day, while he was dressing, Maurice
    reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt
    for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which
    fortunately was still there.
    Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked,
    "Are my trousers here?"
    "Yes, of course," said the tailor. 
    "Be ready next Tuesday."
    (#250) The interview
    Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job
    interview with a gentile employer.
    In the course of the interview, which
    was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking
    for.
    Thinking of his large family and the many
    bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he'd needs around
    £50k per annum.
    The employer replies that in today's market
    and with Solly's limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k
    per annum.
    Upon hearing this, Solly tells him "...listen
    even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring
    home the bacon!!"
    (#251) The recovery
    Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia
    after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting
    at his bedside.  His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
    beautiful."
    Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while
    he drifted back to sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
    "What happened to 'beautiful'?" Kitty
    asked Irwin.
    "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
    (#252) I can hear you
    Maurice Goldblatt was showing off. 
    He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday.  It
    cost me £2,000.
    Sam said, "Thats expensive, isnt it?
    "
    Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state
    of the art."
    "What kind is it?" Sam asked.
    "A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.
    (#253) The warning
    David, a senior citizen, was driving down
    the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
    Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
    warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
    the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
    "Hell," said David, "It's not just one...there
    are dozens of them!"
    (#254) The obituary
    Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah, 
    phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
    Sarah said to them, "This is what I want
    you to print: ....Bernie is dead."
    The JC man said, "But for £25, you
    are allowed to print six words."
    Sarah answered, "Okay, then print:  
    .....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
    (#255) Who Made You?
    Five year old Emma was sitting on her
    grandfather Davids lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time
    to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch Davids
    wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
    his again.  Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
    "Yes, darling," he answered, "God made
    me a long time ago."
    "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make
    me too?"
    "Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God
    made you just a little while ago."
    Feeling their respective faces again,
    Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
    (#256) Questions and Answers
    Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's
    offering circumcision via the Internet?
    A: The service is called E-MOIL.
    Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
    A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
    (#257) And God Created Israel
    On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels
    and said:  "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will
    be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all
    kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance
    of sea life."
    God continued, "I shall make the land rich
    so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,
    and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
    "But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you
    think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
    "Not really, God replied, just wait and
    see the neighbours I am going to give them."
    (#258) Survivor
    Flush with the success of its latest creation,
    CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
    16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near
    Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is
    a final survivor who gets  £1 million (but placed into a trust
    that does not vest until age 59).
    The Rules:
    1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
    2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
    3. No food must be bought in from take-aways
    or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
    4. All purchases must be retail.
    5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus
    or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
    6. All workouts/exercise must be done
    in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
    7. There will only be one phone line for
    all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
    8. No mobile phones allowed.
    9. No telephone calls to mother (for women),
    or the office (for men).
    10. Maintenance problems must be resolved
    by the Tribe, without any help from any gentile.
    11. No consulting with lawyers.
    Only problem: We hear there have been
    no applicants as yet.
    (#259) The question
    [My thanks to Roberto Haddon
    for the following riddle]
    How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    /
    Answer: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
    (#260) The operation
    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying
    on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
    The first kid leans over and asks, "What
    are you in here for?"
    The second kid says, "I'm in here to get
    my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
    The first kid says, "You've got nothing
    to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
    and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
    breeze."
    The second kid then asks, "What are you
    here for?"
    The first kid says, "A circumcision."
    And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had
    that done when! I was born.
    Couldn't walk for a year."
    (#261) Eternal Jewish Truths of Your
    Grandmothers Talmud
    o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
    sees the hole.
    o If you cant say something nice, say
    it in Yiddish.
    o If it tastes good, its probably not
    Kosher.
    o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
    o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
    o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews
    say goodbye and never leave.
    o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty
    percent off is a mitzvah.
    o Israel is the land of milk and honey;
    North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
    o Never pay retail.
    o Its always a bad hair day if youre
    bald.
    o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry
    but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
    o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing
    to do with marijuana.
    o So whats so wrong with dry turkey?
    o Always whisper the names of diseases.
    o One Mitzvah can change the world; two
    will just make you tired.
    o If you dont eat, it will kill me.
    o Anything worth saying is worth repeating
    a thousand times.
    o Where theres smoke, there may be smoke
    salmon.
    o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
    o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after
    that, how about a nice cruise?
    o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
    o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
    o A schmata is a dress that your husbands
    ex is wearing.
    o Without Jewish mothers, who would need
    therapy?
    o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
    o There comes a time in every mans life
    when he must stand up and tell his mother hes an adult. This usually happens
    at around 45.
    o According to Jewish dietary law, pork
    and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
    o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means
    your child is marrying someone who isnt Jewish.
    o If youre going to whisper at the movies,
    make sure its loud enough for everyone to hear
    o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
    o If you have to ask the price, you cant
    afford it.
    o But if you can afford it, make sure
    you tell everybody what you paid.
     
    go to tenth set
    Comments


    (#262) Puzzle
    Whats better than God
    More evil than the Devil
    Poor people have it
    Rich people want it
    And if you eat it you die?
    ANSWER: See after joke #267 - the hospital
    visitor
    (#263) Pre-wedding conversation
    Sadie stopped by an usher at the entrance
    to the synagogue.
    The usher asked, Are you a friend of
    the bride?
    Sadie quickly relied, No, of course not.
    I am the grooms mother.
    (#264) Post-wedding conversation
    Rachel was talking to her best friend
    Sadie. Rachel asked, So, Sadie, hows the bride?
    Sadie replied, To tell you the truth,
    Rachel, not good. Shes so unhappy, shes lost two stone already.
    Rachel then asked, So why doesnt she
    leave him?
    Sadie replied Because she wants to lose
    two and a half stone!
    (#265) The departure
    Freda and Kitty had been chatting for
    some time.
    After a while, Kitty said, Ive got to
    rush, Freda, Im off to a stone setting
    Freda replied, Oh, Im sorry to hear
    that. Where are you going, Bushey?
    No, said Kitty, Hatton Garden.
    (#266) Jewish Chronicle advertisement
    WIFE WANTED.
    PLEASE REPLY TO BOX NUMBER123
    To which 5,000 replies were received You
    can have mine.
    (#267) The hospital visitor
    Moishe was in hospital recovering from
    an operation when a nun walked into his room.
    She said she was there to cheer up the
    sick.
    They started talking and she soon asked
    about his life. Moishe talks about his wife, Freda and his 11 children.
    Well, well the nun says, 11 children,
    a good and proper Catholic family. Im sure that G-d is very, very proud
    of you.
    Im sorry, says Moishe, Im not Catholic,
    Im Jewish.
    Jewish!, she screams, Youre a sex
    maniac.
    Answer to #262 puzzle is:                                                     
    (nothing)
    (#268) The dinner guest
    Maurice and Sadie invited Nigel, their
    gentile neighbour for a Passover dinner. The first course was served and
    Sadie said to Nigel, This is matzoh ball soup.
    When Nigel saw the two large matzoh balls
    in the soup, he was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. But Maurice
    gently persuaded him to try it. Just have a taste. If you dont like it,
    you dont have to finish it, honestly.
    So Nigel has a taste. He digs his spoon
    in and picks up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup. He tastes
    it gingerly and finds he likes it very much. Quickly he finishes his plate.
    That was delicious, says Nigel. Can
    you eat any other part of the matzoh?
    (#269) A meeting of boats
    A small boat was sailing in Israeli water
    when Moishes smart boat pulled alongside.
    A man on the deck of the sailboat yells,
    Ahoy.
    To which Moishe shouts back Ahoy, yoi,
    yoi!
    (#270) Business always was business
    The time is the French Revolution.
    Yossi lived in a small village and one
    day, his friend Roberto came to see him after returning from a trip to
    Paris.
    Yossi asked Roberto what was happening
    in Paris as he had heard they were regularly using the Guillotine.
    Yes, you heard right, said Roberto,
    conditions there are as bad as can be. They are chopping off peoples
    heads in their thousands.
    Oy vay, moaned Yossi, whatever will
    happen to my hat business?
    (#271) Its all OK - 1
    David and his friend Paul were talking.
    David says, You and I use the same call
    girl and Ive discovered she is charging you, an accountant, twice as much
    as she charges me. Arent you angry?
    No, replies Paul, I use the double
    entry system.
    (#272) Its all OK - 2
    Moishe owned a PC shop in Golders Green.
    Unfortunately, the shop was robbed on night and much stock was taken.
    Henry, his friend heard of the robbery
    and went to visit Moishe.
    Im very sorry to hear of the robbery,
    says Henry. Did you lose much?
    I did lose some big items but its all
    OK, Im quite lucky really. Im glad it didnt happen one night earlier.
    Why? says Henry.
    Well, replies Moishe, just on the day
    of the theft, I marked everything down by 20% in readiness for my annual
    Sale!
    (#273) A visit to his doctor
    Benjamin rushes to his doctor.
    Doctor, youve got to give me something
    to make me young again. Ive got a date with this beautiful young girl
    tonight.
    His doctor said, Hold on a second, youre
    70 years old, theres really not a lot I can do for you.
    Benjamin replies, But doctor, my friend
    Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week.
    OK, says the doctor, so you say it
    too!
    (#274) The Party 1
    Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv
    and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost
    his wallet. So Gary, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted,
    Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, Ive
    just lost my wallet with over £500 in cash in it. To the person that
    finds my wallet, I will give £50.
    A voice from the back of the hall shouted,
    I will give £75.
    (#275) The party 2
    During the party, Becky was introduced
    to Dr. Selnick.
    Oh doctor, says Becky, sidling up to
    him, Im so glad to meet you. You see I have this problem. Every time
    I raise my arm above my head, I get a pain in my right side.
    Im sorry, says Dr. Selnick, Im afraid
    I cant help you. I happen to be a doctor of Economics.
    Well, in that case, says Becky, tell
    me, should I sell my Marks and Spencer shares now?
    (#276) The reading of the Will
    Moishe has died. His solicitor is standing
    before the family and reads out Moishes last Will and testament.
    To my dear wife Sadie, I leave the house,
    50 acres of land, and 1 million pounds.
    To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus
    and the Jaguar.
    To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht
    and £250,000.
    And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always
    insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.
    (#277) The fight
    Moishe had a fight with Sadie, his wife,
    and went to the cinema to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone
    home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologise.
    Hello, darling, he said, what are you
    making for dinner?
    What am I making, you bast**d? Poison,
    thats what Im making, poison.
    Moishe replies, So make just one portion,
    Im not coming home.
    (#278) The last wish
    Beckie was dying and on her deathbed,
    she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.
    Tony, youve been so good to me all these
    years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that
    Im going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want
    you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes,
    I cant do that, darling, Tony said.
    Youre a size 16 and shes only a 10
    (#279) Thats entertainment
    Sharon had lived a good life, having been
    married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at
    the gates said to her, I see that you first of all married a banker, then
    an actor, next a rabbi and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem
    appropriate for a Jewish woman.
    Oh yes it is, Sharon replied. Its
    one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.
    (#280) At Bushy cemetery
    Moishe heard the loud crying of a woman
    and went to investigate.
    A woman was at a grave and was weeping
    Oh, Joseph, its been 4 years since you left me but I still miss you so
    much.
    Moishe asked her Who are you mourning?
    My husband, she replied, I miss him
    dearly.
    But Moishe noticed something strange,
    and said to her Your husband? But it says on the headstone IN MEMORY OF
    FREDA GOLDBERG
    Oh yes, she replied, he put everything
    in my name.
    (#281) The illness
    Two friends meet in the street. One says,
    Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in law is ill?
    Yes.
    In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was
    in hospital.
    Yes.
    How long has she been in hospital, Isaac?
    Isaac replies, In 3 weeks time, please
    G-d, it will be a month.
    (#282) A look back in anger
    Sadie and Maurice Goldberg were celebrating
    their 25th wedding anniversary with a group of friends at Blooms in Golders
    Green. But Maurice looked unhappy so his best friend Michael, a solicitor,
    went over to him.
    Whats the matter, Maurice, he asked.
    Why do you look so sad.
    Do you remember on my 5th anniversary
    I asked you what would happen if I murdered Sadie?
    Yes, answered Michael, I said you would
    get 20 years in jail.
    Well, said Maurice, I would have been
    a free man tonight!
    (#283) The big question
    Moishe is shouting at his wife, Becky.
    Oh no, not another new dress and accessories.
    Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?
    Becky replies, I may be a lot of different
    things to many people, but Im certainly not inquisitive!
    (#284) A quickie
    It wont be long now, said the rabbi
    as he circumcised the little boy.
    (#285) Discussion group
    A group of elderly Jewish men meet every
    Wednesday in Brent Cross for a coffee and a chat. They drink their coffee
    and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion
    is very negative.
    One day, Moishe surprises his friends
    by announcing, loud and clear, You know what? Ive now become an optimist.
    Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation
    dries up.
    But then Sam notices something isnt quite
    right and he says to Moishe, Hold on a minute, if youre an optimist,
    why are you looking so worried?
    Moishe replies, Do you think its easy
    being an optimist?
    (#286) The Value of Children
    Rachel and Esther meet for the first time
    in fifty years since high school.
    Rachel begins to tell Esther about her
    children.  "My son is a doctor and he's got four kids.  My daughter
    is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids.  So tell me
    Esther, how about your kids?"
    Esther replies, "Unfortunately, Morty
    and I don't have any children and so we have no grandchildren either."
    Rachel says, "No children? ... and no
    grandkids?  So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?"
    (#287) A Flucky
    Bernard, an elderly Jew, is bumped by
    a car while crossing the street.  He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah,
    his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.
    Bernard returns home, and Sarah says
    "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?"  ["So? 
    What did the doctor say?"]
    "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." 
    ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]
    "Oy, gevalt!  A flucky!  Terrible! 
    What do you do for a flucky?"
    "I don't know -- he didn't say, and I
    forgot to ask."
    Well, by this time Sarah is in a state
    of high anxiety.  She tells her neighbours "My Bernard was hit by
    a car, and now he has a flucky!  I don't know what to do!"
    Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country,
    when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold.  Cold is the best
    thing for a flucky."
    Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking
    about?  Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky!
    We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
    Cold, heat!  Oy!  Now thoroughly
    agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself.  "Doctor, please
    tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
    "I told him... nothing's wrong. 
    He got off lucky."
     
    go to eleventh set
    Comments


    (#288) The end of a good holiday
    Manny was out with his best friends, Joe
    and Bette, one evening when he suddenly collapsed and died. His friends
    were naturally totally shocked.
    Joe pointed to Manny and said to Bette,
    "How good he looks, how relaxed, how tanned, how healthy!"
    "And why not?" replied Bette, "He just
    spent three weeks in Eilat."
    (#289) The prayer
    Moishe goes for a walk in the woods. Suddenly,
    a 6-foot-tall grizzly bear appears and
    approaches him at quite a fast pace. Moishe
    stands there petrified and begins praying for his safety. But then Moishe
    notices that the bear has stopped, has put on a kippah, and has also began
    praying. Saved!
    But as Moishe approaches the bear with
    an outstretched hand to greet a fellow Jew, he hears the bear conclude
    his prayer with, "Hamotze lechem min haaretz. Amen".
    (#290) More quickies.
    Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
    A: He went around saying "Yo Yav!"
    Q: What do you call a Torah with a seat
    belt?
    A: A Safer Torah!
    Q: You're at a Jewish wedding... how can
    you tell if it's Orthodox, Reform, or Liberal?
    A:  In an Orthodox wedding, the bride's
    mother is pregnant. In a Reform wedding, the bride is pregnant. In a Liberal
    wedding the Rabbi is pregnant
    Q: What do you call a Jewish water bed?
    A: The Dead Sea
    Q: What do you get when you cross a basset
    with a beagle?
    A: A bagel
    (#291) The examination
    Doctor Jacobs finished his examination
    and informed Herman that he was in perfect health. "But what about my headaches?"
    Herman moaned.
    "I'm not at all worried about your headaches,"
    Dr. Jacobs replied.
    "If you had my headaches, doctor, I wouldn't
    worry about them either," said Herman.
    (#292) The conversation
    Manny goes into a restaurant and orders
    fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice sized piece of fish. As he's
    walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny
    is deep in conversation with his lunch.
    "What on earth are you doing?" says the
    waiter. Do you want to eat it or marry it? Manny replies, We're just
    schmoozing. It seems that the fish is from Herne Bay in Kent. I used to
    live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home
    town.
    "What did he say?" asked the waiter.
    "He said, How should I know? I havent
    been there in years!
    (#293) The sermon
    The new Rabbi was in the middle of a sermon
    when he suddenly beckoned to the shames to come over.
    The Rabbi said to him, "That man in the
    third row is asleep. Wake him up."
    The shames replied, "You put him to sleep.
    You wake him up.
    (#294) Enduring love - 1
    "Moishe, will you still love me when my
    hair is grey?" asks Yente.
    "Of course, says Moishe. I've loved
    you through blond, brunette, red and every other colour. Why not grey?
    (#295) Enduring love - 2
    Mr & Mrs Goldberg had just got married.
    On their way to their honeymoon, Mr Goldberg said to his new wife Would
    you have married me if my father hadnt left me a fortune?
    She replied, Darling, I would have married
    you no matter who had left you a fortune.
    (#296) The principle
    A congregant asked his Rabbi, "Rabbi,
    youre a man of God. So why is it that you are always talking business
    when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters when I'm
    not at work?"
    "You have discovered one of the principles
    of human nature," the Rabbi replied.
    "And what principle is that, Rabbi?"
    "People like to discuss things they know
    nothing about."
    (#297) The complaint
    Freda had just finished her fish dinner.
    She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter.
    "I've tasted fresher fish," said Freda.
    "Not in here," replied the waiter.
    (#298) The two farmers
    Bud, from Texas, is on holiday in Israel
    and meets farmer Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does.
    "I raise a few chickens," says Shlomo.
    I'm also a farmer.
    So am I. How much land do you have?
    asks Bud.
    Fifty meters in front, and almost a hundred
    at the back.
    Now it was the turn of Shlomo to ask a
    question.
    Youre from Texas, so what about your
    farm?" asks Shlomo.
    Bud tells him, "On my farm, I can drive
    from morning until sundown and not reach the end of my property."
    "That's too bad," says Shlomo. "I once
    had a car like that."
    (#299) Relax a while
    Shlomo and Moishe are stranded on an island
    in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Shlomo is trying hard to build a fire,
    whilst Moishe sits on a rock and stares out to sea.
    "Why dont you come over here and help
    me build this fire or they will never find us!" Moishe replies, "Dont
    worry. I gave £10,000 to the JIA last year. Shlomo, believe me, they'll
    find us!"
    (#300) The start of it all
    A Rabbi, a priest and a minister are discussing
    when life begins.
    The priest says: "In our religion, life
    begins at conception."
    The Minister says: "We disagree. We believe
    that life begins when the foetus is viable away from the mother's womb."
    The Rabbi responds: "You both are wrong.
    In our religion, life begins when the kids graduate college and the dog
    dies."
    (#301) The trip
    Sarah, a middle aged Jewish woman goes
    in search of a famous guru. She takes a plane to India and then a boat
    up a river, and then hikes into the mountains with local guides. All in
    all it takes Sarah months of hardship to track down this guru. When she
    finds him, he is in the middle of some kind of ritual, which will last
    for days and the guru's followers won't let Sarah see him. Finally the
    guru is ready to receive visitors and calls for the woman to be admitted.
    Sarah stands before the famous guru. "Harvey," she says. "It's time to
    come home!"
    (#302) Its obvious
    Issy and Jacob are walking down Golders
    Green High Street when it starts to rain, and in no time at all, its raining
    quite hard. Luckily, Issy is carrying an umbrella.
    "Nu," says Jacob. "So when are you going
    to open the umbrella?"
    "It won't do us any good," says Issy.
    "It's full of holes."
    "So why then did you bring it?" replies
    Jacob.
    "Because," Issy says with shrug, "I didn't
    think it would rain."
    (#303) Lifes problems - 1
    Maurice, Sam and Benny always met once
    a week in Edgware to discuss the worlds situation. On one occasion, they
    tried to solve the problem of life.
    "What is the problem of life?" asked Benny.
    The more they talked about it, the more
    they thought they knew the answer. The problem of life is that everyone
    has worries. If people didn't have any worries, said Sam, then life
    would be easy.
    But now that they knew, another question
    remained, how can we three end our worries?
    They thought for a while and then Maurice
    said, Why dont we hire somebody to do all the worrying for us so that
    we can then have it easy?
    Sam said, Great idea. It wouldnt be
    easy, I know, but between us, we could pay him well to make up for the
    difficulty of the role.
    So they all agreed to chip in to pay someone
    £600 a month to do all their worrying for them.
    They were very happy with this decision
    until Sam pointed out the flaw.
    "Tell me," he said, If the man is making
    £600 each month, what has he got to worry about?
    (#304) Lifes problems - 2
    Two shlemiels are kvetching about life.
    One of them sighs and says to the other, "Considering how hard life is,
    death isn't such a bad thing. In fact, I think sometimes it's better not
    to have been born at all."
    "True," says his friend. "But how many
    men are that lucky? Maybe one in ten thousand!"
    (#305) Ive got it!
    Sidney, a Jewish scientist, wanted to
    know where the sun went after it set. He went around asking the other scientists,
    but they didn't know either. Pretty soon he had the whole of his science
    department trying to figure it out. They puzzled over it for a long time
    but they couldn't come up with an answer. In fact they sat up all night
    thinking about it until finally it dawned on them.
    (#306) The conversation
    Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying
    in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up
    to him and said, "I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me,
    what are you praying to G-d for?" To this, the man replied, "I am telling
    G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter
    who can't find a husband, and asking him to help me." "Well," the secular
    Jew asked, "does He send you help?" The man turned to him and said, "No,
    but what do you expect? It's like talking to a wall."
    (#307) Egon Ronay, youre not
    Two Jewish students were rooming together
    in Manchester and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal.
    One day, when Sam came home, he did not
    find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, What's
    with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.
    Moshe replies, I did! But the roast beef
    caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with
    the chicken soup.
    (#308) Out for a drive
    Rifka and Abe had just left Ken Wood and
    Rifka was driving them home in their old Ford Cortina. They had just turned
    into Winnington Avenue, Hampstead Garden Suburb and were moving down hill
    when their brakes fail.
    Rifka is pressing the brake pedal as hard
    as she can and she's also trying to tear the hand brake out by the roots,
    but to no avail. The car continues to gather speed.
    "Oy Vay," she wails, "Abe, what should
    I do, what should I do?"
    "For God's sake," Abe screams. "Hit something
    cheap!"
    (#309) Honesty
    "You're in great shape," says the doctor.
    "You're going to live to be 70."
    "But I am 70," Issy replies.
    "Nu," says the doctor, "did I lie?"
    (#310) Announcements in synagogue newsletters
    o Join us for our celebration after services.
    Prayer and medication to follow.
    o Weight Watchers will meet at 8pm at
    the Beck Hall. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
    o Remember in prayer the many who are
    sick of our congregation.
    o For those of you who have children and
    dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
    o We are pleased to announce the birth
    of David Bloom, the sin of Rabbi and Mrs Shlomo Bloom.
    o The Mens Club is warmly invited to
    the celebrations hosted by Hadassah. Refreshments will be served for a
    nominal feel.
    o Our Rabbi unveiled the synagogues new
    fundraising campaign slogan last week
    I Upped My Pledge Up Yours
    o If you enjoy sinning, the choir is looking
    for you.
    o Rabbi is on holiday. Massages can be
    given to his secretary.
    o Mrs Himmelfarb will be entering the
    hospital this week for testes.
    o The Ladies Guild have cast off clothing
    of every kind and they may be seen in the basement on Thursdays.
    o We are taking up a collection to defray
    the cost of the new carpet in the Beck Hall. All those wishing to do something
    on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper.
    o Dont let worry kill you. Let your synagogue
    help.
    (#311) The two Rabbis
    A reform Rabbi was having an argument
    with an orthodox Rabbi.
    He asked him, Why dont you let the men
    and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?
    The orthodox Rabbi (who had a mischievous
    sense of humour) replied, If you want to know the truth, I dont really
    mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give
    sermons and I cant have them sleeping together.
    (#312) The put-me-down
    One day, a chazan was bragging and boasting
    about the quality of his voice.
    He told his friend, Do you know that
    I even insured my voice for £750,000?
    His friend replied, So what have you
    done with the money?
    (#313) Look to the future
    Rabbi Herzl was visiting Mrs Gold, an
    elderly member of his congregation. Rabbi Herzl said, You know, my dear
    Mrs Gold, that you are getting on in years and although I pray to the almighty
    that he will grant you many more years in good health, you really should
    now be thinking more of the hereafter.
    Mrs Gold replied, Thank you, Rabbi, but
    I am always thinking about the hereafter.
    Rabbi Herzl was rather surprised with
    this response.
    Really? he said.
    Oh yes, Rabbi, every time I go upstairs,
    I say to myself, what am I here after? and every time I go into my kitchen,
    I say to myself, what am I here after? I do it all the time now.
    (#314) The Court Hearing
    Judge to member of the jury who was about
    to be sworn in but who had told the Court that he was deaf in one ear.
    You really cant serve on the jury
    Why not?
    Because you can only hear one side
    (#315) Advance warning next years
    Tax Budget
    The Government is going to put a tax on
    Tallisim. They are being classed as fringe benefits
    (#316) We are what we eat
    Mrs Herman from London was visiting some
    friends in Florida when she saw a little old man rocking merrily away on
    his front porch. He had a lovely smile on his face. She just had to go
    over to him.
    I couldnt help noticing how happy you
    look. I would love to know your secret for a long and happy life.
    I smoke four packets of cigarettes a
    day, drink five bottles of scotch whiskey a week, eat lots and lots of
    fatty food and I never, I mean never exercise.
    Why, thats absolutely amazing. Ive
    never heard anything like this before. How old are you?
    Im twenty six he replied.
    (#317) The announcement
    At the start of his flight to Tel Aviv,
    Michael Lebovitz heard the following announcement We are now going to
    show you a safety video. There may well be fifty ways to leave your lover,
    but there are only five ways to leave your aircraft. So please pay attention.
    go to twelfth set
    Comments


    (#318) The check-up
    Rivkah went to her doctor for a check
    up. Afterwards, the doctor said to her, "I must inform you that you have
    a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle."
    As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to
    her husband, "You vouldn't belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told
    me - 'You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a
    mackerel'"
    (#319) Jewish Telegram
    "Begin worrying. Details to follow."
    (#320) The bible
    The following statements about the Bible
    were written by children.
    o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses,
    G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
    o Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day,
    but a ball of fire by night.
    o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea,
    where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
    o The Egyptians were all drowned in the
    dessert.
    o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide
    to find the ten amendments.
    o The first commandment was when Eve told
    Adam to eat the apple.
    o The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt
    not admit adultery."
    o The greatest miracle in the Bible is
    when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
    o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing
    the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in
    Biblical times.
    o Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300
    wives and 700 porcupines
    (#321) Preparing for a wedding
    Benny Goldman had married off four of
    his children but the fifth was becoming a challenge. Young Solomon had
    no visible virtues that would make him a desirable husband. He had no charm,
    intelligence, manners, nor conversation to make up for his poor looks.
    Yet, to Benny, it was unthinkable that Solomon remained single.
    In desperation, Benny met with a Jewish
    matchmaker who listened and said, "I have just the girl for Solomon --
    Princess Annes daughter, Zara."
    "Who?"
    "Zara, granddaughter of the Queen of England,
    thats who."
    "A shikseh?"
    The matchmaker sighed. "In these enlightened
    times, what's wrong with a nice Gentile girl? She comes from a good family,
    with very little anti-Semitism - they fought Hitler, remember. They have
    excellent social connections, they're wealthy and the princess is a real
    beauty. Look, I'll write the names down together."
    Solomon Goldman  --- Princess Zara
    Phillips.
    Benny thought the names looked very good
    together, but said, "I also have to consider aunt Bette. She is very religious
    and if she found out Solomon was marrying a shikseh, she'd kill herself."
    So an appointment was made to see Bette.
    For several hours, the matchmaker pleaded,
    argued, persuaded and slowly Bette began to change her mind. With tears
    in her eyes, Bette said, "Well, maybe you're right and I shouldn't be so
    old-fashioned. If the girl really is a fine girl, and if she will make
    Solomon happy, and if the children will be brought up Jewish, I wont object.
    I can always move away from Edgware after the wedding and change my name
    so no one will know my shame."
    Even though he was worn out, the matchmaker
    left Bettes house in high spirits. As soon as he got into his car, he
    opened his little book to the page where both names had been written and
    put a tick after the name Solomon Goldman.
    He then said, with a huge sigh of relief,
    "Half done!
    (#322) The crime
    A Stamford Hill policeman spots two youngsters
    riding a motorcycle.
    They are unmistakably hassidic: yarmulke,
    payoth, tsittsits, the works.
    He is unmistakably a bigot, so he follows
    them intending to catch them doing some kind of wrong.
    After a long ride during which they went
    onto the North Circular Road and then onto many side roads, he could find
    nothing wrong with their driving. Frustrated, he stops them anyway.
    "I have been following you two for a long
    time now, watching every move you made and hoping to catch you breaking
    the law, but you two seem to be perfect. How do you do it?"
    They replied "HaShem is with us."
    "That's it!" exclaimed the policeman,
    "Three people on a motorcycle!"
    (#323) Im tired and thirsty
    A Frenchman, a German and a Jew are lost
    in the desert, wandering for days.
    The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty.
    I must have some wine."
    The German says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
    I must have a beer."
    The Jew says, "I'm tired and I'm thirsty.
    I must have diabetes."
    (#324) Drink up!
    I had 12 bottles of whiskey in my cellar
    but I got into an argument with my wife and lost. She instructed me to
    empty each and every bottle down the drain, so I proceeded with the task.
    I withdrew the cork from the first bottle
    and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
    which I drank. I extracted the corks from the second and third bottles
    and did likewise, with the exception of one glass from each, which I drank.
    I then pulled the cork from the fourth
    sink, poured the bottles down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle
    from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest
    down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the glass and poured the cork
    from the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink
    and drank the pour.
    When I had everything emptied, I steadied
    the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks
    with the other, which were 29 and put the house in the bottle, which I
    drank.
    I'm not under the affluence of incahol,
    but thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool
    so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer
    I get!!!
    (#325) My darling wife
    Sidney Cohen was thinking about how good
    his wife had been to him, and how fortunate he was to have her.
    He asked God, "Why did you make her so
    kind hearted?"
    The Lord responded, "So you could love
    her, my son."
    "Why did you make her so good looking?"
    "So you could love her, my son."
    "Why did you make her such a good cook?"
    "So you could love her, my son."
    Sidney thought about this. Then he said,
    "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but why did you make her
    so stupid?"
    "So she could love you, my son."
    (#326) The proposal
    Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and
    widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided
    to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said "yes".
    The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo
    couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so. Wait,
    no, she looked at me funny..."
    After about an hour of trying to remember,
    but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call.
    Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't
    remember her answer to his proposal.
    "Oh", Hetty said, "I'm so glad you called.
    I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
    (#327) The collector
    Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy
    person's house in Hampstead Garden Suburb and when the owner comes to the
    door, Issy greets him.
    "Sholom Aleichem, Mr. Goldstein. I'm collecting
    for the Loads of Money Yeshivah, and I'm wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish
    person like yourself wouldn't want to make a little contribution."
    "The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and
    I am not Jewish."
    "Are you sure?" asks Issy.
    "I'm positive".
    "But", says Issy, "it says here that you're
    Jewish and my records are never wrong."
    "I can assure you that I am certainly
    not Jewish", replies Mr Gold impatiently.
    "Look sir, I know that my records are
    never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren't Jewish?" demands
    Issy.
    "For the last time, I am not Jewish, my
    father is not Jewish, and my grandfather, alav hashalom, wasn't Jewish
    either!"
    (#328) The daughter
    Rifka and Beckie are talking about their
    children. Rifka asks Beckie how her daughter is.
    Beckie says, "Not too good. My daughter
    just divorced her husband. He was a doctor."
    Rifka replies "Oh, I am so sorry to hear
    that."
    Beckie continues, "Yes, it is sad. Her
    first husband, whom she divorced three years ago, was a dentist. But she
    is OK now, she is dating a handsome lawyer."
    Rifka replies, "A dentist, a doctor and
    a lawyer. Oy Vey! All this naches (good fortune) from just one daughter!
    (#329) The request
    Abe goes to see his boss and says, "we're
    doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife
    needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
    "We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies.
    "I just can't give you the day off."
    "Thanks, boss." says Abe, "I knew I could
    count on you!"
    (#330) Mothers love
    Benny is almost 32 years old. All his
    friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend
    asks him, "What's the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman?
    Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"
    "No I just cant," Benny replies. "I meet
    many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my
    mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
    "Listen," his friend suggests, "why don't
    you find a girl who's just like your mother?"
    Many weeks go by and again Benny and his
    friend get together.
    "So, have you found the perfect girl yet?
    One that's just like your mother?"
    Benny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found
    one just like mum. Mum loved her right from the start and they have become
    good friends."
    "So, do I owe you a Mazel Tov? Are you
    and this girl engaged yet?"
    "I'm afraid not. My father can't stand
    her!"
    (#331) A quicky
    Doctor to patient: I have good news and
    bad news.
    The good news is that you're not a hypochondriac.
    (#332) How did you do it?
    Young David asked his rich grandfather,
    Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, "Well, David, it was 1955,
    and I was down to my last five pence. I went to the local market and invested
    that five pence in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the
    apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten pence."
    "The next morning, I invested the ten pence
    in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them
    at 5pm for twenty pence. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandmas
    father died and left us two million pounds."
    (#333) What Women Want in Men
    Original List (age 22):
    1. Handsome
    2. Charming
    3. Financially successful
    4. A caring listener
    5. Witty
    6. In good shape
    7. Dresses smartly.
    8. Appreciates finer things
    9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    10. An imaginative, romantic lover
    Revised List (age 32):
    1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
    2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
    3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
    4. Listens more than talks
    5. Laughs at her jokes
    6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
    7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
    8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals,
    makes tea for her
    9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
    10. Seeks romance at least once a week
    (with her, of course !)
    Revised List (age 42):
    1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
    2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated
    in the car
    3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly
    when she asks.
    4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically,
    not horizontally!)
    5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
    6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange
    the furniture
    7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
    8. Still agrees to visit her parents
    house.
    9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
    10. Shaves most weekends
    Revised List (age 52):
    1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
    2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
    3. Doesn't borrow money too often
    4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's
    talking
    5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many
    times
    6. Is in good enough shape to get off
    couch on weekends
    7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh
    undergarments
    8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
    9. Talks to her relatives when they call
    up on phone
    10. Shaves some weekends
    Revised List (age 62):
    1. Remembers where the bathroom is
    2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
    3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
    4. Only snores lightly when asleep
    5. Remembers why he's laughing
    6. Is in good enough shape to stand up
    by himself
    7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
    8. Likes soft foods
    9. Remembers where he left his teeth
    10. Remembers that it's the weekend
    Revised List (age 72):
    1. Breathing
    2. Doesn't miss the toilet
    3. Still Loves her :-)
    go to thirteenth set
    Comments


    (#334) Thats the way to do it
    One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
    came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other
    side, but had no idea of how to do so.
    The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please
    God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big
    arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about
    two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.
    Seeing this, the second man prayed to
    God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength ... and the tools to cross
    this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across
    the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a
    couple of times.
    The third man had seen how this worked
    out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give
    me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river."
    And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream
    a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
    (#335) Meyers first pet
    MEYER, a lonely widower, was walking home
    along Golders Green Road one day, wishing something wonderful would happen
    to his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting
    out in Yiddish:
    "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...yeah, du...outside,
    standing like a putzel...eh?"
    Meyer couldn't believe what he was hearing. 
    Suddenly, the proprietor came out of the shop and grabbed Meyer by the
    sleeve.  "Come in here and check out this parrot..."
    Meyer was soon standing in front of an
    African Grey. The parrot cocked his little head and said:  "Vus? 
    Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
    Meyer turned excitedly to the owner. 
    "He speaks Yiddish?"
    "Vuh den?  Chinese maybe?"
    In a matter of moments, Meyer had written
    out a cheque for £500 and carried the parrot, still in his cage,
    out of the shop and into his car. All night he talked with the parrot in
    Yiddish.  He told the parrot about his father's kosher butcher shop
    in Neasden; about how beautiful his mother was when she was a young bride;
    about his family in Israel; about his years of working in the City; and
    about Birchington, Kent.  The parrot listened and commented. 
    They shared some nuts and raisons.  The parrot told Meyer of what
    life was like living in the pet store and how he hated the weekends. 
    They then both went to sleep.
    Next morning, Meyer began to put on his
    tfillin, all the while, saying his prayers.  The parrot demanded to
    know what he was doing, and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to
    do likewise.  So Meyer went out and bought a hand-made miniature set
    of tfillin for the parrot.  The parrot wanted to learn to daven and
    learned every prayer.  He wanted to learn to read Hebrew so Meyer
    spent weeks and months sitting and teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah.
    In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a Jew. 
    He had been saved.
    One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose
    and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with
    him.  Meyer explained that Shul was not place for a bird but the parrot
    made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.
    Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle
    and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. 
    At first they refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy
    Days, but Meyer convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that
    the parrot could daven. Some bets were made with Meyer.  Thousands
    of pounds were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could NOT speak Yiddish
    or Hebrew, etc. All eyes were on the African Grey during the service. 
    The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -
    Meyer heard not a peep from the bird.  He began to become annoyed,
    slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"
    Nothing.
    "Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come
    on, everybody's looking at you!"
    Nothing.
    After the Rosh Hashanah service was over,
    Meyer worked out that he owed over four thousand pounds.  He marched
    home, angry, saying nothing.  Finally several streets away from the
    Shul, the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as could
    be.
    Meyer stopped and looked at him. 
    "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand pounds.  Why? 
    After I bought you your own tfillin and taught you the morning prayers
    and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to
    bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashanah, why? Why did you do this to me?"
    "Don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied.
    "The odds will be much better on Yom Kippur."
    (#336) Meyers second pet
    Meyers parrot had died and he was lonely
    once again. He quickly decided that life would be more fun if he had another
    pet. So Meyer went back to the Golders Green pet store and told the owner
    that he wanted to buy another pet, but this time a bit more unusual. After
    some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a
    little white box to use for his house.
    Meyer took the box home. He found a good
    place to put it and decided he would immediately take his new pet to the
    local pub to have a drink and show it off. He asked the centipede in the
    box, "Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle with me and have a beer?"
    But there was no answer from his new pet. 
    This bothered Meyer a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked his
    pet again, "How about going to The Leather Bottle and having a drink with
    me?"
    But again, there was no answer from his
    new friend and pet.  So Meyer waited a few minutes more, thinking
    about the situation.  He decided to ask one more time, this time putting
    his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, you in there! 
    Would you like to go to The Leather Bottle and have a drink with me?"
    A little voice came out of the box: "I
    heard you the first time!  I'm putting on my shoes."
    (#337) The Rabbi and his friends - 1
    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
    out fishing in the middle of a lake. The priest tells his two colleagues,
    "I left my fishing rod in the car; I'll be right back." He gets out of
    the boat, walks across the water to the beach, goes to the car, walks back
    across the lake, and gets into the boat. The rabbi stares at this in amazement.
    30minutes later, the minister says, "I
    need to go to the toilet." He, too, gets out of the boat, walks across
    the water, finds the nearest men's room, walks back across the water and
    gets into the boat. The rabbi is absolutely dumbfounded!
    The rabbi keeps thinking, "My faith is
    as great as theirs!" So he speaks up and says, "I need to get something
    to drink; there's a refreshment stand on the beach."
    He stands up, puts his feet on the water,
    and SPLASH, he goes straight down under the water. The priest and minister
    help him back into the boat. He is embarrassed, not to mention wet, but
    he knows he can do it if the other two can. So, he stands up again, steps
    out onto the water, and again, SPLASH!! Again, he is dragged out and again
    he decides to try. As he is going down for the third time, the priest turns
    to the minister and asks, "Do you think we should show him where the rocks
    are?"
    (#338) The Rabbi and his friends - 2
    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister were
    talking one day. The priest told of an occasion when he was caught in a
    snowstorm so terrible that he couldn't see a foot in front of him. He was
    completely confused, unsure even of which direction he needed to walk.
    He prayed to God, and miraculously, while the storm continued for miles
    in every direction, he could clearly see his home 20 feet away.
    The minister told a similar story. He
    had been out on a small boat when a heavy storm struck. There were 20-foot
    high waves, and the boat was sure to capsize. He prayed to God, and, while
    the storm continued all around, for several feet in each direction, the
    sea calmed, and the minister was able to return safely to port.
    The rabbi, too, had such a story. One
    Shabos morning, on the way home from his Shul, he saw a very thick wad
    of £20 notes in the gutter. Of course, since it was Shabbat, the
    rabbi wasn't able to touch the money. So he prayed to God, and everywhere,
    for miles in every direction, it was still Shabbat, but for 10 feet around
    him, it was Thursday.
    (#339) The Rabbi and his friends - 3
    A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are
    discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.
    The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money
    up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever
    lands outside the circle, he keeps.
    The priest uses a similar method. He draws
    the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and
    whatever lands inside, he keeps.
    The rabbi has a slightly different method
    of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever
    God wants, he keeps...
    (#340) The Rabbi and his friend - 4
    A rabbi and a minister decided to buy
    a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister
    driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the carwash
    because, in his religion, it is customary to welcome a new member with
    the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the Rabbi cutting
    the end off the tailpipe.
    (#341) Quickies
    A classic example of chutzpa is someone
    who kills his father and mother, then throws himself on the mercy of the
    court because he is an orphan.
    Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive
    and forget, but she'll never forget what she forgave."
    Q: Why do Jewish women enjoy Chinese food
    so much?
    A: WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.
    (#342) Moshes mother - 1
    Moshes mother, Hette, once gave him two
    sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made
    sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the
    expected smile, Hette said, "What's the matter, Moshe? You didn't like
    the other one?"
    (#343) Moshes mother - 2
    Moshe calls his mother and asks, "How
    are you?"
    "Not too good," Hette says. "I'm feeling
    very weak."
    "Why, mother? "
    Hette says, "Because I haven't eaten in
    23 days."
    Moshe replies, "That's terrible, mother.
    Why haven't you eaten in 23 days?"
    Hette answers, "because I didn't want
    my mouth should be filled with food if you should call!"
    (#344) Serves you right!
    Naomi, being still unmarried, was bored
    one evening. So she decided to go to a London casino for the first time
    ever and was persuaded to play roulette. She asked someone at the table
    the best way to pick a number. He suggested putting her money on her age.
    So, she put ten chips on the number 28. When the number 34 came up, she
    fainted.
    (#345) Cross talk
    Rabbi Rabinovitz went in to beg his board
    of directors to buy a new synagogue chandelier. Arguing and pleading for
    over an hour, he eventually sat down believing he had failed. Suddenly,
    the president of the board said, "Why are we wasting time talking'? "First
    of all, a chandelier, ... why, we havent got anyone who could even spell
    it. Second, we havent got anyone who could even play it.  And lastly,
    what we really need in the shul is more light!"
    (#346) Vive la differance
    Mrs. Levy was talking to her neighbour.
    "Oy, my daughter-in-law is just so lazy! She sleeps until after ten o'clock
    every single morning! My poor son, Solomon, wakes up at the crack of dawn
    and has to make his own breakfast. The house she won't clean; she made
    my Solomon get her a maid so she wouldn't have to lift a finger. Then,
    when he comes home after a long, hard day at work, Solomon has to make
    dinner because she can't be bothered even with that!"
    The neighbour sighs and asks, "Nu...and
    how is your daughter?"
    "Oh, now my daughter Rivka has an absolute
    gem of a husband. He insists my Rivka pamper herself by sleeping late in
    the morning; he hired help so she shouldn't have to work so hard, and he
    even comes home from work and tells her to relax while he takes care of
    dinner!"
    (#347) The conversation
    [We Jews are not only not allowed to conduct
    business on Shabbat, we are not even supposed to talk about it...]
    Yosef and Gidon meet in the synagogue
    one Shabbat morning.
    Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but I'm selling my car.
    Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but how much are you asking for it?
    Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but £13,000.
    Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but I'll give you £12,000 for it.
    Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but let me think about it.
    They meet again in the synagogue Shabbat
    afternoon.
    Gidon: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but did you think about my offer?
    Yosef: Not to talk about it on Shabbat,
    but I already sold it.
    (#348) Advancement
    Morris Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children.
    Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger
    brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when
    he married and opened a bank account,
    he signed his cheques just "XX".
    Morris then started his own business,
    which soon prospered. He became a very rich man. One day, he got a call
    from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this cheque. We
    weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years, you've been signing
    your cheques, 'XX'; this one is signed with three X's..."
    Morris replied, "Since I've become rich,
    my wife thought I should have a middle name"
    (#349) The dinner party
    Freda and Moshe Levy won 8 million pounds
    in the National Lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living
    in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Northwood, surrounded themselves
    with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After
    much searching, they found the perfect one.
    One day, they instructed the butler to
    set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the
    Cohens, over for dinner and they will be going out for the day.
    When they returned that evening, they
    found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places
    were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four,
    the butler replied: "The Cohens called and said that they were bringing
    the Bagels."
    (#350) The test
    The Recording Angel needed two new Executive