Ethnic Jewish

Top Ten Jewish Books Not Yet Published

Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List





10.
Talmud - Tractate Chulent

9.
Tire Changing the Jewish Way

8.
100 Synagogue Shmooze Topics

7.
The Tenth Man - Finding the Best Minyanaires

6.
The Art of Kvetching

5.
The Rolling Stone Chumash

4.
The Y'dei Esav Siddur (Take off on "Kol Ya'akov" Siddur)

3.
The Cone Head's Yarmulke Book

2.
Elijah's Problem Stumpers

1.
Kabbalah for Dummies

Top Ten Reasons To Become an Orthodox Jew
from the
Ohr
Somayach Top Ten List


10. You will become an instant topic of conversation
and amusement amongst all former friends

9. You will no longer have to eat your Aunt Harriet's homemade
pork rinds

8. Bums, vagrants, total strangers and missionaries will
strike up conversations with you on the subway about theology,
philosophy and the meaning of life (if in New York add - while
their accomplice steals your wallet)

7. You will never have to decide between chicken and beef
on airline flights (except on El Al where there is no
difference between them anyway)

6. You will become a close friend and confidant of all
the staff at Food City Kosher Department

5. You will have the privilege of donating half your
income to a Jewish day school (and your firstborn)

4. You will understand all of Jackie Mason's jokes

3. You will no longer have to agonize over French, Creole,
Thai, Sushi, Italian or Indian cuisine. Your choice becomes
upholstered cardboard (also known as kosher pizza),
pseudo-Chinese, or triple-bypass deli sandwiches on rye
(with added cholesterol and a pickle on the side)

2. Men - your bald spot will always be covered
Women - you can have your hair done and it doesn't even
have to be on your head

1. For one entire day every week you cannot be reached
by phone, cellular, pager or E-mail

Top Ten Sayings of Biblical Mothers



Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don't know where it's
been! (Judges 14:5-8)

David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go
practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!

Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for
supper!

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you
smell like a dirty ol' furnace!

Cain! Get off your brother! You're going to kill him some day!

Noah! No, you can't keep them! I told you, don't bring home any more
strays!

Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your
clothes! (Judges 6:11)

James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please.
People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)

Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!

Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?

Translations


The Israeli Ambassador to Sweden was talking to the head of the
government at a party. The Swede asks him how the Israeli's can be so
violent and aggressive when the Ten Commandments say "Thou Shall Not
Kill".

The Israeli Ambassador replies, "Sir the Ten Commandments say 'Thou
Shall Not Murder'."

The Swede responds "I am sure it is kill".

Ambassador: "No, it definately says murder."

Swede: "Maybe you have a poor translation."

The Ten Suggestions
by David Bader
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


. . .It was Moses who led the Jews out of slavery in Egypt and into the
desert where he gave them the Ten Commandments. (The Eleventh
Commandment -- "Find water!" -- is no longer in effect.) Extremely
Reform Jews maintain that they were not really "Commandments" at all but
just "Suggestions," and that Moses looked very dehydrated when he
delivered them.

The Ten Suggestions

1. I am the L-rd thy G-d and thou shalt have not too many other gods
besides me.

2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a
shop class.

3. Thou shalt not take the name of Ad-nai thy G-d in vain without the
express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d. The name "Ad-nai thy G-d" is
the sole property of Ad-nai thy G-d. Any use of the name of Ad-nai thy
G-d without the express written consent of Ad-nai thy G-d is
unauthorized and illegal and shall be punished by Ad-nai thy G-d.

4. Remember the Sabbath, thy squash game and thy other appointments.

5. Honor thy single parent.

6. Thou shalt not kill a man just to watch him die.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery and then run for office.

8. Thou shalt not steal. (Note: Not really applicable to car radios.)

9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor when appearing
before Judge Wapner.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, his servants, his flocks,
or his power tools.

Top Ten Ways The White House Will Change With Lieberman as V.P.


Air Force One to be renamed - "El Al Gore.".

Tipper to be referred to as "The First Shiksa."

Saturday Night State Dinners to be replaced by Sunday Night Chinese.
Inauguration to be completed with Breaking of Glass.

Problem: Presidential Baldness Solution: Presidential Yarmulke!

Every time "Hail to the Chief" is played, Secret Servicemen Lift
Gore
in
Chair and Dance Around.

U.S. Never to pay retail again for Nuclear Warheads.
Federal Employees To Have Saturdays off for Shabbat - but will have to
actually start working Monday - Friday.

Camp David relocated to Palm Beach.

In First Major Trade Agreement with India, New Delhi to be renamed
Carnegie Delhi.

Minyan Plus



I always knew that while nine Jews are very nice, ten are needed for
a minyan, and when the tenth arrives everyone beams. I just learned
that the eleventh is just as vital. This really happened.

When the eleventh entered, someone said, "Thank goodness."

The eleventh arrival responded, "You had a minyan already."

The other speaker said, "You make the 'pisher' and now I can leave the
room and go to the bathroom!"

Top 12 New Commandments


Anyone who says Thou Shalt Not one more time gets whacked


Thou shalt continue to read the second part of the Passover
Haggadah after the Seder meal


Ladies' wigs count as hair


Thou shalt have no other gods before breakfast


For the last time, circumcision stays


Thou shalt not colorize Hollywood movies


Endives are acceptable Lulav substitutes


Due to illness, the role of the prophet Elijah in Kings II 15-21
will be played by Ed Asner


To prevent further embarrassment, the name Oral Tradition will be
replaced by Spoken Tradition


Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Mac


Thou shalt not begin thy jokes with "A priest, a minister and a
rabbi," so that your days will be lengthened on G-d's
earth

It's Hanukkah - not Chanooca, not Chanucca - Hanukkah, always and
everywhere, got it?

The Top 13 Terms of the New Mideast Peace Deal




Arafat must return all $7.6 million of misrouted royalties
intended for Ringo Starr.

In exchange for West Bank, Palestinians must take Fran Drescher

Death threats on authors of those infuriating "Magic Eye" books lifted.

Jewish Homeland relocated to South Florida.

Straight-up trade, Jackie Mason for Casey Kasem.

Israel must make cable space available for new variety show, "Shiite
Tonight!"

Everyone in Israel to get a personally autographed "Chia
Yasser."

No more jokes about the five o'clock shadow on Arafat's mom.

In case of renewed fighting, Clinton guaranteed a room at
the Gaza Hilton until Hillary cools down.

Less rocks, more talk!!

Circumcised Palestinians free to roam Jerusalem.

Center Square: Whoopi's out, Yasser's in.


and Top5's Number 1 Term of the New Mideast Peace Deal...


Main objective in Palestinian charter changed from
"destruction of Israel" to "World Cup champs by 2014."





[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

The Top 13 Jewish Country & Western Songs




13> Achy Breaky Hip

12> I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went and Cut Another
Notch in My Belt)

11> Take This, "Job," and Shove It

10> I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)

9> Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me

8> All My Exes Made an Exodus

7> The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan

6> This Bris! This Bris!! Unchoppable!!!

5> Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You

4> My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher

3> I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me

2> Homeland on the Range


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Jewish Country & Western Song...


1> Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!



[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com> ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]
[ You like to receive credit for your work, and so do we. ]

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

Fillet minyan.

First Day In Hell
by Mr. Bean



Hello, nice to see you all again.

As the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now - this is
hell, and I am the Devil. Good evening. You can call me Toby, if you
like. We try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.

Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a
sod of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the
end, but for now I'll have to split you up into groups.

Are there any questions?

No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you
would have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid
if you didn't go before you came then you're not going to enjoy
yourself very much, but then, I believe that's the general idea.

Right, let's split you up then.

Can you all hear me? CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?

Off we go...

Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please,
thieves if you could join them, and Estate Agents.

Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of
you. Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if
you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.

AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into
perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to the Mormons who He
realizes put in a lot of work.

The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been holding
them in purgatory for the last 9 months.

Sodomites, over there against the wall.

Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of
charlies.

Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.

Moonies, maniacs, marite eaters, male models, masochists, mass
murderers and masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the
Methodists that is.

Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I
must remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.

Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't
take a joke after all.

Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of
exchange scheme with the God, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here.
Now, I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an
exemplary manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off
their wings, use their haloes for frisbee practice, that sort of
thing.

Well, I have to go now, but Jezzlebeth here will show you the ropes,
chains, and electrodes.

20th Century Extremely Reform Judaism

by David Bader

From How
to Be an Extremely Reform Jew


20th Century Milestones in American Extremely Reform Judaism:

1907 First Extremely Reform Jew in Hollywood changes
name for show-biz reasons
1915 First E.R.J. in New York joins the Mafia
1974 First E.R.J. in a trailer park tells The National
Enquirer that he was abducted by aliens



Extremely Reform Jews ask, "Do I really have to believe in G-d?"
Yes, and for good reason. Without G-d, your donations might
not be tax deductible.




Extremely Reform Charitable Organizations:
The Extremely Reform Boy Scouts of America
(No camping required)
The Extremely Reform Anti-Defamation League
(Deals with very mild ethnic slurs)




The Law of Conservation of Jewish Behavior:
This Extremely
Reform principle, adapted from Newtonian physics, provides
that "for each and every Jewish act, there is an equal and
opposite non-Jewish act." Thus, if you do a small kindness
for someone less fortunate than you, you are permitted to
eat a shrimp cocktail. If you visit a sick person in the hospital,
you may spend the Sabbath at a restricted country club.

Top 10 Jewish Songs (but for you, we'll make it 37!)


37] Lucy on El Al with Abe Diamond
36] Happiness Is a Warm Bagel
35] Rocky Racoon's Bris
34] Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Oy Vey Band
33] With a Little Help from My Cantor
32] Ask Me Why [This Night Is Different from Other Nights]
31] Magical Minyan Tour
30] Can't Buy Me Love [Wholesale]
29] Helter Skelter, Shmelter Felter
28] I'll Follow the Sun to Get Your Pledge
27] I Want to Hold Your Brisket
26] The Long and Winding Services
25] I'm a Loser at Mah-jong
24] Run for Your Life Already
23] She's Leaving Home Sholom
22] Lady the Yenta
21] Luzzamoff {Let it Be}
20] Baby You're a Rich Man [Come and Meet My Daughter]
19] Maybe I'm Aggravated
18] Short Fat Solly
17] When I'm Four Times Chai
16] You Never Give Me Your Discounts
15] Jealous Goy
14] Instant Torah
13] Back in the Shtetl
12] Baby Won't You Light My Menorah
11] You Never Give Me Your Money
10] The Ballad of John, Yoko and Schlomo
9] Give Pesach a Chance
8] Maxwell's Silver Mezuzzah
7] Shekel Lane
6] Do You Want to Know a Secret [I Eat Ham]
5] All You Need Is Gelt
4] Fixing a Hole [No Way, Call Somebody]
3] Why Don't We Do it in the Shul
2] Everybody's Got Something to Hide Except Me and the Rabbi
1] Hey Jules

Three Generals


America and Israel struck a deal to bolster each others Armies.
The Israelis said they would like to exchange three generals for three
generals.

The Americans agreed, stating they wanted an IDF General to teach tactics,
an armor General to teach desert warfare, and a Mossad General to teach
espionage.

The Israelis replied and said they wanted General Electric, General Motors,
and General Dynamics.

Three Chairs For the Reform


The Orthodox Rav met three members on a Reform congregation on the golf course and invites them to come to his shul on Shabbos. One hour after morning prayers began they show up. All the sets are filled.

Already several men were seated on folding chairs. The Rav whispers to the nearest man Yaakov, "Please get three chairs for my reform friends in the back."

Yaakov is hard of hearing so he leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon Rav?"

The Rav repeated his request, "Get three chairs for my reform friends in the back." repeated the minister.

Yaakov was still puzzled but the service was just finishing so he went to the front of the shul and loudly announced, "The Rav says, 'Give Three cheers for my Reform Friends in the back!'"

One Day in the Desert


Three men were walking through the desert.

The first, a Frenchman, exclaimed, "I'm so hot, I'm so thirsty,
I must have wine!"

The second, an Italian, shouted, "I am very hot, I am very thirsty,
I must have wine!"

The third, a Jew, cried out, "I am so hot, I am so thirsty, I must
have ... Diabetes!"

Exodus of the 3 Stooges



Chapter 1

Israel Multiplies.
Moses born; he befriends two Hebrews


1 And the Egyptians compelled the sons of Israel to labor rigorously.

2 And the sons of Israel were fruitful, and increased greatly, and
became exceedingly mighty.

3 So Pharaoh commanded his people to throw every newborn son into the
Nile.

4 And one day Pharaoh's daughter found a basket containing a child
among the reeds of the river. And she had pity on him and said, "This
is one of the Hebrews' children."

5 And she took the child, and raise him, and called him Moses.

6 And one day, when Moses had grown up, he went out to his brethren
and looked on their hard labors. And he beheld two Hebrews fighting
wih each other, and he said to them "Cut the rumpus or I'll moida the
both of yah!"

7 And the offender, a squat man with a high voice, said, "You don't
scare me!" And he stuck out his tongue and said, "Nyaaaaa!"

8 And Moses grabbed his tongue, and he twisted it, and he pulled him
several yards by it.

9 And the other Hebrew - a man with a raspy voice and strange hair -
laughed mightily. And Moses smote
10 Then Moses poked their eyes and knocked their heads together.

11 Now these are the names of the Hebrews whom Moses did befriend

12 Curly, son of Asher and Prancer, brother of Punch and Judah, first
cousin to E. Gad, and distant descendant of Ramses of Los Angeles.

13 Larry, son of Hirah and Hooray, Pokus, and cousin of Esau, Ecame,
and Econquered.

14 And both had come from the districts of Midian, Midian-rare, and
Midian-well.


Chapter 2

The Boining Bush

1 Now Moses, Larry, and Curly set up a business wherein they sold
their services for pasturing other Hebrew's flocks.

2 And one day when they were shearing sheep, when Curly by accident
sheared off some of Larry's hair, Larry grew angry, and lunged for
him, but Moses bade them stop, and smote them both on the head.

3 And Moses sat down, but upon the shears that Curly had left beneath
him, and Moses screamed, and he said, "Why, I'll break your heads!"
And he chased them into the field.

4 And there the angel of the Lord appeared to them in a blazing fire
from the midst of a bush.

5 And Curly said, "Ooh, look! A boining bush! Nyuk-nyuk!"

6 And Moses said, "Quiet, you lame- brain!" and smote him on the
head.

7 And then them became frightened, and turned to run, and the Lord
saw, and he called to them from the midst of the bush, saying, "Hey,
Moses! Hey Larry! Hey, Curly!"

8 And they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!"

9 And the Lord said, "Do not come near here; remove your sandals from
your feet, for the place on which you stand is holy ground."

10 And Larry said, "I'll say it is! And look at all them rocks, too!"

11 And Curly laughed, and Moses smote them on the head.

12 And the Lord said, "I have seen the oppression of my people by the
Egyptians. Therefore, to bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt, I
will send ... you!"

13 And they were unsure as to who "you" was.

14 And Moses looked at Larry, and Larry looked at Curly, and Curly -
who saw he had no one to to look at - trembled and clicked his teeth
loudly.

15 And Moses said, "Which `you' do You mean?"

16 And the Lord said, "You!"

17 And Moses said, "I?"

18 And Larry said, "Aye!"

19 And Curly said, "Aye-aye!" and the three Hebrews began saluting
each other vigorously.

20 And the Lord said, "Cut it out!" and they did, and He continued,
"Now go and gather the elders of Israel together, and say to them,
`The Lord has appeared to us, saying He will bring you out of Egypt
and into the land of Canaan - a land overflowing with sweets!'"

21 And Curly said, "Ooh! A candy Canaan! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And Moses
smote him in the stomach, and Curly bent over and Moses smote him on
the head.


Chapter 3

Hebrews given powers.

1 And Larry said, "What if they don't listen to us, or vicey-versey?"

2 And the Lord said, "They will. Now, hold out your left hand,"

3 And Larry said to Curly, "Which one is my left hand?" And Curly
said, "That one." And Larry said, "So how do I know which one is my
right hand?" and Curly said, "Why, that's easy! The one that's left!
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

4 And Moses poked them both in the eyes.

5 And the Lord said to Larry, "Now, what is that in your hand?"

6 And Larry looked, and said, "Why, nothin'."

7 And the Lord said, "Not that one, you nitwit! The other one!"

8 And Larry said, "Oh!" and looked and said, "Why a staff!" And the
Lord said, "Throw it on the ground." And Larry threw it on the ground
and it bounced up and hit Moses on the head and stuck in his nose.

9 And Moses pulled the staff from his nose, and Larry said, "I didn't
mean it, Moses! Honest, I didn't!"

10 And Moses said, "Of course you didn't", and hit him on the head
with the staff.

11 And the staff became a serpent and Moses said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah! and
dropped it and it slithered up Curly's robe, and Curly said, "Wooo woo
woo woo woo woo!" And he fell to the ground and spun his body wildly
in a circle.

12 And Moses and Larry lifted him and shook him and the staff fell to
the ground.

13 And the Lord said, "This wonder shall help you convince the sons of
Israel of the word of the Lord."

14 But Moses pleaded and said, "Please, Your Majestic High-upness! We
ain't never been eloquential. Every time it comes to woids, it's
ixnay on the voibage, if you know what I mean!"

15 Then the Lord became angry, and said, "Who made man's mouth? Who
makes him blind? Who makes him deaf? And, indicating Curly, He said,
"Who makes him dumb?

16 "Is it not I, the Lord?!"

17 And they saw His anger and they said, "Nyah-ah-ah-ah!" And they
bowed down, bumping their heads together loudly.

18 And the Lord said, "Go, then, and perform this wonder before the
sons of Israel. Then go to Pharaoh, and say, 'Let my people go, so
they may soive - I mean serve - Me!"

19 So Moses, Larry, and Curly assembled all the elders and the sons of
Israel, and in their sight the staff became a serpent, and crawled up
Curly's robe, and he danced wildly.

20 And the people believed.


Chapter 4

"Let my people go!"


1 And afterward Moses, Larry, and Curly stood before Pharaoh and his
court.

2 And the three Hebrews huddled, and Larry said, "First, shouldn't we
pay homage?" And Curly said, "I don't know. Homage should we pay?
Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!"

3 And Moses smote them both on the head, and Curly made a wavy motion
with his hand.

4 And they broke huddle and they said to the king, "We got this here
message from the Lord," and they put their fists to their mouths and
made a trumpet sound. And then they sang
"Roses is red,
Violets is yellow;
Now let My people go!
Like a Pharaoh and a
decent phellow."

5 And Curly danced while Moses and Larry clapped their hands and
snapped their fingers.

6 And Pharaoh bade them stop, and said, "Who is the Lord that I should
obey His voice? I will not let Israel go!"

7 And Moses said, "Wise guy, eh?"

8 And meanwhile Curly caught the eye of a young woman servant, and he
slowly backed from the crowd, and he winked at her, and waved his
fingers, and he approached her, saying, "Rough! Rough! Rough!"

9 And then he said, "How you doin', Toots? Tell me, are you married
or happy? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!" And then he offered to make her a drink,
and he reached for a bottle of seltzer.

10 And Pharaoh, not noticing this, grew very angry and said, "It seems
the Hebrews are too lazy to do their work these days! From now on,
they will no longer have any straw to make bricks - let them gather it
themselves! But their quota of bricks will not be reduced!"

11 And meanwhile Curly squeezed the seltzer handle, and the fluid
sprayed across the room and struck Pharaoh in the face, and he wiped
his eyes, and said, "Guards! Seize them!"

12 And the palace troops chased Moses, Larry, and Curly into the
fields.

13 So the people of Israel scattered throughout the land and gathered
stubble for straw, and when they saw Moses, Larry, and Curly, they
smote them on their heads.

Five Great Yiddish Insults

May you grow like an onion,with your head in the ground.
May your bones be broken as often as the ten commandments.

May you have a son named after you soon.

May the souls of all of king solomon's mother's in law inhabit you.

May G-d mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the
curses you wished on him.

Abbott and Costelle Learn Hebrew
by Rabbi Jack Moline


Lori's Hebrew cheat sheet:

Hebrew == English

Mee == who
Hu == he
Hee == she
Ma == what
Dag == fish


ABBOTT: I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.

COSTELLO: I'm ready to learn.

A: Now, the first thing you must understand. is
that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not
mean the same thing.

C: Sure, I understand.

A: Now, don't be too quick to say that.

C: How stupid do you think I am -don't answer that. It's
simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean
the same.

A: Precisely.

C: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in
Hebrew?

A: No, no. Precisely is an English word.

C: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn
Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.

A: Fine. Let's start with mee.

C: You.

A: No , mee.

C: Fine, we'll start with you.

A: No, we'll start with mee.

C: Okay, have it your way.

A: Now, mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, no, no. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: You don't understand.

C: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

A: Yes I did. Mee is who.

C: You is Abbott.

A: No, You Misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about
mee.

C: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

A: No, no. Tell me about mee!

C: Who?

A: Precisely.

C: Precisely what?

A: Precisely who.

C: It's precisely whom!

A: No, mee is who.

C: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

A: All right. Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Yes.

C: I don't know. Who is he?

A: Sure you do. You just said it.

C: I just said what?

A: Hu is he.

C: Who is he?

A: Precisely.

C: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

A: No, precisely hee.

C: Precisely he? Who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: And what about me?

A: Hu.

C : me, me, me!

A : Hu, hu, hu!

C : What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

A : No, hu is he!

C: I don't know I maybe he is me!

A: No, hee is she! (STARE AT ABBOTT)

C: Do his parents know about this?

A: About what?

C: About her!

A: What about her?

C: That she is he!

A No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!

C: Then who is he?

A: Precisely!

C: Who?

A: He!

C: Me?

A: Hu!

C: He?

A: She!

C: Who is she?

A: No, hu is he.

C: I don't care who is he, I want to know who is she?

A: No, that's not right.

C: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here
when I said it, and I know me.

A: Hu.

C: Who?

A: Precisely!

C: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!


A: No, hee is she!

C: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a
little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

A: Go ahead.

C: Now first You want to know me is who.

A: Correct.

C: And then you say who is he.

A: Absolutely.

C : And then you tell me he is she.

A & C: Precisely!

C : Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he.
And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

A: Who?

C: She!

A: That is he!

C: Who is he?

A & C: Precisely!

C: I have just about had it. You have me confused I
want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!

A: What.

C I said Ma.

A: What.

Q: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

A: What!

C: Not what, who!

A: He!

C: Not he! Ma is not he!

A: Of course not! Hu is he!

C I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care
who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.

A: Fish.

C Fish?

A: Dag is fish.

C: That's all, I'm outa here.

Abraham's Computer



One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.



Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."

Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."

Are You Okay, Abe


Abraham's family notices that Abe is having a quiet
conversation with the Almighty, so they go about their
business. All of a sudden, Abe shouts upward,
"You want me to cut off a piece of my WHAT?"

Religious Accident


A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.
Both cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of the
clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi
sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a
rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that
we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you
completely. This must be a sign from G-d."

The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Kedem wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The
priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back
to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the
cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks,
"Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think
I'll wait for the police."

From Dust to Dust
by Nicholas Biel


On the third day I was dust, ordinary common dust like you
see on a country road in a dry spell, nothing expected of me,
me expecting nothing neither.

On the sixth day he comes along and blows. "In my own image
too", he says, like he was doing me a favor.

Sometimes I think if he'd waited a million years by then I'd
been tired maybe being dust but after only two, three days,
what can you expect? I wasn't used to being dust and he goes
and makes me into Man.

He could see right away from the expression on my face I
didn't like it so he's going to butter me up. He puts me in
this garden only I don't butter.

He brings me all the animals I should give them names What
do I know of names? "Call it something," he says, "anything
you want," so I make names up: lion, tiger, elephant, giraffe.
Crazy, but that's what he wants.

I'm naming animals since 5 AM, in the evening I'm tired I go
to bed early, in the morning I wake up, there she is sitting
by a pool of water admiring herself.

"Hello, Adam," she says, "I'm your mate, I'm Eve." "Pleased
to meet you," I tell her and we shake hands.

Actually I'm not pleased from time immemorial nothing, now
rush, rush, rush; two days ago I'm dust, yesterday all day
I'm naming animals, today I got a mate already.

Also I didn't like the way she looked at me or at herself in
the water.

Well, you know what happened, I don't have to tell you, there
were all those fruit trees she took a bite, I took a bite,
the snake took a bite and quick like a flash, out of the
garden.

Now I'm not complaining; After all, it's his garden, he
doesn't want anbody eating his apples, that's his business.

What irritates me is the nerve of the guy.

I didn't ask him to make me even dust; he could have left me
nothing like I was before and such a fuss for one lousy
little apple not even ripe (there wasn't much time from
Creation, it was still Spring), I didn't ask for Cain, for
Abel, I didn't ask for nothing, but anything goes wrong,
who's to blame?...Sodom, Gomorrah, Babel, Ararat... me or my
kids catch it,....fire, flood, pillar of salt. "Be patient,"
Eve said, "a little understanding. Look, he made it was his
idea, it breaks down, so he'll fix it."

But I told him one day. "You're in too much of a hurry. In
six days you make everything there is, you expect it to run
smoothly? Something's always going to happen. If you'd a
thought first, conceived a plan, consulted a specialist, you
wouldn't have so much trouble all the time."

But you can't tell him nothing. He knows it all.

Like I say, he means well but he's a meddler and he's
careless. He could have made that woman so she wouldn't bite
no apple.

All right, all right, so what's done is done, but all the
same, he should have known better, or at least he could have
blown on other dust.

Marrying into a Jewish Family


Disadvantage - Your Christmas tree decorations will gather dust in
their boxes.
Advantage - You won't have to vacuum up dry pine needles and clog
the vacuum cleaner.


Disadvantage - You'll need to keep a straight face when someone
orders a Virgin Margarita.
Advantage - Your spouse won't die of cirrhosis.

Disadvantage - You'll have to sell your archery set.
Advantage - You won't shoot an arrow into your neighbor's cat (or
is that a disadvantage?).

Disadvantage - You'll never have a family member who can fix your
car.
Advantage - You won't have to look at tatoos.

Disadvantage - No one in the family will have 5 beers with you when
the Yankees win the pennant.
Advantage - There will always be plenty of sweaters in the house.

Disadvantage - Used clothing stores will not be the first choice when
seeking birthday presents for your nephews or nieces.
Advantage - No one will give your son or daughter an ant farm.

Disadvantage - Heavy cream will be a thing of the past.
Advantage - You won't have to specify "diet" when you ask for a
soda in a family member's house.

Disadvantage - You won't have to color Easter eggs.
Advantage - After awhile, you will learn how to pronounce "Challah"
without anyone laughing at you.

Congregation Agudath Israel of Monsey

To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the orthodox
community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue
is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable
behavior and fines for violations:


BEHAVIOR ------------------------------------ FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha -------------------------- $36
Surcharge for snoring ----------------------------------- 54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction ---- 72
Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha ---------- 180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet ----------------------------- 18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached ------- 54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------ 72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag -------- 36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key ----------------------- 36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody ----------------- 54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------ 72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
(Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah ------- 36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------ 90
Surcharge if evictee uses cane -------------------------- 90
Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf ----------------- 90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------ 36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------ 54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear -------- 90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
First minute --------------------------------------------- 54
Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------ 72
Kol Nidre surcharge -------------------------------------- 36
Communicating with spouce across the mechitza
Hand signals --------------------------------------------- 18
Shouting ------------------------------------------------- 36
Smoke signals (Shabbos) ---------------------------------- 54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening ----------------- 36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag -------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur --------------------------- 54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur, men's section ------------ 108
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
2-4 coats ------------------------------------------------- 36
Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------ 54
Wrong child ----------------------------------------------- 72

Air Raid Priorities

The air-raid siren went off in Haifa. A woman rushed down the stairs
toward the basement. Suddenly she noticed that her husband had not
followed her down. "Come on, Sidney," she yelled.

"Just a minute!" answered the husband. "I gotta get my teeth!"

"Never mind your teeth!" the wife shouted back. "What do you think they're
dropping - pastrami sandwiches?"

Alligators

Q. Why aren't you allowed to handle alligators on Shabbat?

A. Because they're muktseh me-hamat gader

American Tourist

There is this American tourist on a trip around Ireland.

When the tour arrives at Belfast he decides to go for a stroll with
the aim of taking in this new culture. After he's been walking for a
while someone rushes up behind him and sticks a gun in his back.

The person says to the tourist, "What are you, Catholic or
Protestant?"

The American thinks to himself "Great--if I say I'm Catholic, this guy
is sure to be Protestant. If I say I'm Protestant, he's sure to be
Catholic. Either way I'm dead." Then he has a brain wave and says to
the Guy, "actually I'm Jewish." This, he thinks to himself, will
surely keep him safe.

The guy behind him then replies "Gee, I must be the luckiest Arab
in Ireland."

It's All Relative
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus
and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black
coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses
at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?"

She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off
your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name."

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish.
I'm Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs."

Ambitious Quote



"My ambition is to be a good ancestor."
- Herbert Zipper






(from Two
Jews, Three Opinions : A Collection of Twentieth-Century American
Jewish Quotations, page 197)

Another Flood



A new flood is foretold and nothing can be done to prevent it;
in three days the waters will wipe out the world.


The leader of Buddhism appears on TV and pleads with everyone
to become a Buddhist; that way, they will at least find salvation
in heaven.


The Pope goes on TV with a similar message: "It is still not too
late to accept Jesus," he says.


The Chief Rabbi of Israel takes a slightly different approach:
"We have three days to learn how to live under water."

Another Look At The Ten Commandments

I am the L-RD thy G-d and I give you these Ten Commandments:



I am He that brought you out of Egypt (like in the movie), You shall
not returneth to Egypt, nor shall you think that the Pyramids are
"cool," "nifty," or "symbolic." That would be putting other gods before
Me, and claiming that they are better architects, which is a sore spot
and, hence, right out.

You shall not take the name of the L-RD your G-d in vein. Drugs are
fine, but mainlining ANYTHING is a bad scene.

You shall keep the Sabbath day holy, as well as Columbus Day
Thanksgiving. Make sure to look for the bargains for these,
though, but don't let it stop you from spending. Remember: The more
thou spendest, the holier thou art.

Honor they father and thy mother, even if thy father
molests thee. For abortions shall not be legal, so thou art stuck with thy
affliction... naneenaneebooboo.

You shall not murder, except in the name of Me, or the Pope or
any diocese, or to convert heathens, or to defend democracy or to hunt
queers, women, commies or sissies.

You shall not commit adultery. This applies only to married women.
Sex is a bad thing as it promotes fun, which is right out, and must be
stopped. I put all those nerves in thy sexual regions to fulfill My
quota (damn union labor laws), but that doesn't mean you can use them
just for the sake of pleasure, which is unholy and against Me. Why this
is, I don't know, but I don't need to, being G-d. Someone get these
bugs offa Me!

Thou shalt not steal, unless thou art the Pope, any diocese or
government leader, or really wealthy, or if thou canst somehow work it
in to the state or national charter.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, unless thy
neighbor is a commie, heathen or queer, which I despiseth, or unless
thou art a Good Christian(tm), in which case thou canst do anything, so
long as thou sayest that it is in My name (which thou wilt anyway).

Go ahead and covet.

Thou shalt not think. Thought is bad and may lead to Questioning,
which is a mortal sin. Go to sleep. Feel comfortable in thy confusion
and kill anyone who questions thou.

Anyone Up There?


A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery
when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and
started to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a
limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff.
Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet
down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full
of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer. Again and
again he cried out but to no avail.

Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there?"

A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."

"Who is it?"

"It's the L-rd"

"Can you help me?"

"Yes, I can help."

"Help me!"

"Let go."

Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"

"Let go. I will catch you."

"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

Apple Releases Jewish System Software v1.0
by Ben K and Daniel Lewkovitz

Cupertino: Apple Computer has announced today the release of the first
localizable religion module for their system software. Previous versions
of Macintosh (MacOS) software have been able to support localizable
geographical regions and languages, according to an Apple spokesman, but
no operating system has yet been able to add customisable support for
religion and culture. The module is to modify the system software to
interact with the user's ethnicity as closely as possible, so as to
maximise enjoyment of the religion, to minimise potential embarrassing
conflicts and to increase its overall intuitiveness and functionality. The
first Religion/Organisation Tolerance and Functionality Layer (ROTFL) to
be released will support the liberal Jewish religion. Others are
expected to follow in the near future.

While Apple has declined to allow demonstrations until an embargo date
some weeks from today, several developers have given inside information on
the beta versions of the software, developed under the codename "Tsures".
Some of the more obvious and useful features are said to include:

* The Dates and Times control panel and the Calender desk accessory
have been extended to include all major religious holidays.
Notifications can be arranged for these and for the commencement
times of the Sabbath to allow the user to finish in time for
prayer;

* The Numbers control panel now has different currency options as
well as interest and exchange rates depending on whether the
figure is for buying or selling;

* The clock menu in the menubar will be set to Jewish mean-time,
which is approximately 0.5 hours later than the default system
time;

* Extensions to the Speech Manager include addition of the voices
"Brooklyn" and "Queens" to the dialects in which the computer can
talk, while support for extra nasality and running-together of
words has been added to the speech recognition software. A new
output voice termed "Drescher" was to have been added but problems
with the physical damage it caused some sound output hardware
could not be overcome in time and it will be released in a later
update to the system.

Other changes designed to allow better cosmetic integration with
the Jewish faith include:

* The addition of a 'Nag' feature to the On-Line Help Menu;

* The "OK" button in system dialog boxes is changed to "Nu?";

* The "Welcome to Mac" icon and the dialog alert icons get a
yarmulke and the "Welcome to Mac" message on startup becomes: "So?
Why has it taken so long to see me again?";

* Instead of saying "Are you sure you want to do this?" the system
asks: "Why do you want to do this? You don't want to do this. You
shouldn't do it this way, there's a better way...";

* Instead of offering the restart button when the System crashes,
the Sytem displays a modal dialog saying "That's okay... I will
just sit here frozen...";

* Hypercard is now to be on Prozac and thus will be only "card";

* The GeoPort modem achitecture is extended to offer the
VolvoModem(tm) which has a maximum speed of 300bps with extra
error-correction;

* Extra support is added for the EGED bus, in addition to the SCSI
and PCI buses.

Some other software vendors are reportedly modifying applications to take
advantage of the new features and needs of the ROTFLs. Symantec and other
anti-virus vendors are reportedly updating their hard disk scan utilities
to include the ability to scan your system and peripherals in El-Al mode,
which picks up guns, bombs and knives, while un-erase utilities now
display useful information such as "See? I TOLD you a million times...
if you don't back up..."

However, prospective users should be advised that some developers have
reported problems. One said that the Finder(tm) had been changed so that
it cleans up your desktop whether you like it or not and you will never be
able to find anything again. He also reported unusual messages in
"Tip-for-the-day" startup dialogs, which often seemed stuck on the same
thing every day. Another noted that his network probes showed that
AppleTalk(tm) was much more active than usual, with short messages being
exchanged between a few selected nearby machines for long periods of time.
Also, machines, and especially older machines, often appeared to send
messages repeatedly just to themselves.

Another reported problems with the 'guide' program designed to aid new
users. Called "Ben" or "Bibi", it is based on the well-known and
widely-used Microsoft(r) "Bob" program. "It's supposed to take me by the
hand and guide me through the intricacies of using the computer",
complained one user. "Instead, its security guards wouldn't let it near
me. When I finally got to talk to it, it spent the whole time assuring me
that everything was fine and asking if I had any babies to kiss." This
does not appear confined to the Jewish ROTFL, however, as some users
reported the same problem with the now-defunct "Bill" program developed in
parallel for US users.

Other complaints concerned the packaged internet explorer, called "Moses".
Some users claimed that it seemed to take forever to access any address
inside Israel, usually crashing just after displaying images on the
screen. More worryingly, computer security experts claim to have caught it
in the act of gathering information about the user's occupation and
forwarding details of doctors, lawyers, stockbrokers and bankers to a
shadowy company called "Shadchan Inc.".

Lastly, some users reported that their computer seized control from them,
started making strange incantations and caused their memory chips to burst
into smoky flames, displaying cryptic error messages about giving burnt
RAM offerings to the Lord.

While Apple will not comment on the release of other ROTFLs, it is
believed that the ROTFL for fundamental Judaism has been held up until
Kashrut certificates can be obtained for the 603e and 604 PowerPC
processors. ROTFLs are also expected to be relased soon to support the
Islamic and Buddhist religions, but the module to support Catholicism is
reportedly being delayed due to negotiations associated with the
acquisition of the Church by Mr Bill Gates.

Look After the Jews


An old Armenian is dying; his entire family is gathered around him.
When he comes to, he asks everybody but his eldest son to leave.

When they are alone, he says: "Look after the Jews".

The son, taken aback, says: "Father, don't you have anything more
important to say to me at this moment?"

The father repeats: "Look after the Jews: when they are done for,
it will be our turn."

Army Boy

Meek and mild-mannered Sammy Ginsberg reported for basic training and the
sergeant immediately complained to his captain. "This guy will never be
a soldier. Just look at him!"

The captain responded, "Is it because he's Jewish? Let's get rid of
those stereotypes. Most of the Jewish guys who come through here do just
fine, and look at the Israeli army. They're the best!"

"OK, OK, sir ", said the sergeant, backing off. " We'll give him a fair
chance."

Sammy did quite well, following instructions, not making trouble, and
learning all the military skills the training required. In fact, being
good at science and math, he earned the highest score on the rifle range
by carefully making all the delicate sighting adjustments called for to
compensate for distance, wind, elevation, and so forth. Even the farm
boys, who had been firing guns most of their lives, were impressed by his
skill. Sammy did will on long hikes, too, having developed strong legs
from having to walk long distances to and from shul on each Sabbath and
on the holidays.

"Didn't I tell you?", said the captain, and the sergeant nodded his
agreement.

A small war broke out, and the unit was hurriedly transferred out to the
field to replace another unit. The sergeant led his platoon into battle,
shouting encouragement to all the scared young soldiers. They marched up
a hill, and ther on the other side was the enemy. A fierce struggle
broke out, bullets flying, shells exploding , smoke and pandemonium
everywhere. Then the sergeant noticed that Sammy was not firing his
rifle. "Shoot, Sammy," he yelled. "What's your problem? Start shooting!"


Sammy looked up unhappily. "but Sarge," he said, "there are PEOPLE out
there!"

As I Was Saying ...
by Leon Schwarzbaum


As I was saying to Pat Buchanan, it's not the Jews who are ruining this
country, it's the people who don't think the Jews should be rounded up and
put into work camps.

As I was saying to Yassir Arafat, as long as he talks about Jihad in Arabic,
it doesn't count when tallying up anti-Israel activity.

As I was saying to Pat Robertson, not believing Jesus is the Messiah is such
a mortal sin there should be no ban on killing those who don't.

As I was saying to Jerry Falwell, any choir with full-breasted sopranos who
wear low-cut vee-neck blouses is OK with me.

As I was saying to George W. Bush, it serves his brother right for marrying
a Puerto Rican. No wonder Jeb can't buy a nice condo in Florida. George
asked,"Jeb who?"

As I was saying to Avi Weiss, another cross, more or less, isn't going to
make the Poles less anti-Semitic, so get 'em all knocked down.

As I was saying to Mendele, the matchmaker, the girl he wants me to meet is
a polyandrist. She says she'll marry me but I'll have to lay Tfillin.

As I was saying to the rabbi of a new shul in Florida, he's lucky to be
starting a new congregation, because every new member will claim to be a
Kohan, former president of his shul up North and unable to contribute
because he's still paying off the UJA pledge he made in Teaneck, NJ in 1967.

Ask the Rabbi



Q: Is one permitted to ride in an airplane on Shabbos?
A: Yes, as long as your seat belt remains fastened. Then it is considered
as if you are wearing the plane.

Q: On Sukkos, is one allowed to use hoshanas if he knows they have been
stolen?
A: What's the matter, you never heard of a Hoshana Robber?

Q: Does the Talmudic tractate Bubbe Metzia refer to a young bubbe or to an
old bubbe?
A: A young bubbe. If she were an old bubbe, she wouldn't be a metzia.

Q: Are women in shul allowed to be given hagbah?
A: Only those willing to take the Law into their own hands.

Q: According to halacha, is smoking permissible, even if it endangers your
health?
A: Yes, as long as you sell your lungs to a non-Jew.

Next week, the Rabbi will deal with whether you are allowed to launder money
on Chol HaMoed.

The Atheist and the Monster



An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my G-d! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist
hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought
you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on G-d, give me a break!!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I
didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Noah Sermon


Another fellow, an atheist since his youth, became not only interested
but devout in his late years. At the age of seventy-five, he decided
to come back to the faith of his fathers.

One evening, he attended services at Temple Israel, the first time he'd
been in a temple since his Bar Mitzvah days at the age of thirteen. He
heard the Rabbi announce that the next week's sermon would address the
question of the great and terrible biblical flood that destroyed all
life in the world.

The old man approached the Rabbi after services and said that he was
sorry not to be able to attend services next week, that he'd be out
of town. "But don't worry, Rabbi, put me down for $20 to aid the
flood victims."

Kosher Bagel Seeds


The following should be attached to a plastic zip lock bag containing
Cheerios.

WHERE TO PLANT BAGEL SEEDS
Any bright sunny location, preferably close to a delicatessen.

WHEN TO PLANT
Year around, but onion bagels grow best in winter, while poppy seed
and pumpernickel grow well in summer.

CARE OF PLANTS
Plant in seven equal rows, running north and south. You may make the
middle row longer. Join all rows with one long east-west row, for
irrigation and to form a menorah. All seeds must be planted at least
four feet deep. Any less depth and the hole in the bagel will not
develop properly! Irrigate sparsely, with boiling water only!!

NOTE: Over-irrigation or cold water will cause your growing bagel to
become soggy. Soggy bagels are not good for anything. . .

While it is possible to grow bagels topped with cream cheese by
sprinkling the blossoms with fresh dairy cream, you should contact a
professional bagel grower for expert advice. Some unkosher growers
will use fertilizer, but that does affect the taste and texture, even
if it does hasten the growth. However those who like egg bagels have
had success using fresh eggs as fertilizer.

TO EAT
Cut cross-wise. Never, never cut a bagel vertically. Ladle on lox and
cream cheese (you were warned only experts could raise bagels already
topped). Use when ripe. . While day-old bagels may be toasted and
eaten, any older and they tend to fossilize and are only good for
missiles. Beware of over-ripe bagels!

GUARANTEE
If you are not 100% satisfied, dig up your bagel seeds and return. A
BRAND NEW package of seeds will be sent to you.

The Ballad of Doivd Chochett
To the tune of "The Ballad of Davy Crockett"

by Mickey Katz



NOTE FROM LORI: This was sent to me from a visitor to this page,
who couldn't remember it in its entirety. His notes are
in italics. If you know the rest of the song, please email
it to me at
sunybgrad@yahoo.com




Born in the wilds of Delancy Street
Lived on gilfilte fish and kosher meat

Lived in the wilds so he knew not a tree
Flecked him a chicken when he was only three

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

In eighteen-toiteen, he fought "Indianes,"
Den came the "Litvaks" and the "Galitzianes,"
??? redskins all over the shteitle,
He never lost his head...he never lost his sheitle.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.
He went down south, lookin' for a meidle.
Met a little tsatskele named DaisyFreidle.
From near und far, dey came to the "chippie,"
I think that's coloquial for "chuppah?"
Elected him president of the B'nai Mississippi.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street

He went out west on his small horse, Schloim Sam?,
Took along Daisile, his wife, alles schoen,
Schloim hat g'fliet--like and air-a-plane,
He got to Las Wegas ahead of the train.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett;
(he vent up to the crap table with a full pocket)
Dovid, Dovid Crockett; King of Delancy Street.

He shot like a gembler, owner of die veld,
Up came two sixes...und drer d'geld.
He felt very sad, dat's my opinion,
He vould of said kaddish...but he couldn't find a minyan.

Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
(he lost his pants an' he vent home nahkid),
Dovid, Dovid Crockett,
He's back on Delancy Street.

Bar Mitzvah Definition



A Bar Mizvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to the realization
that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play
for one.

Bar Mitzvah Extravagance



The Bar Mitzvah was being held in the Royal Box at the Fountainbleu
Catering Hall in the Bronx. The room was decorated lavishly with
beautiful flowers. The smorgasbord table was overflowing with hot
and cold delicacies to tempt any appetite. Statues of ice, spewing
forth pink punch, were at either end of the long table.

Mr & Mrs Harry Teitlebaum arrive a little late. They surveyed the
situation and were annoyed by the ostentation. They were civil
rights workers and it bothered them to see so much money spent on so
worthless a cause. But their cousin Bruce's Bar Mitzvah was a must
or Mama Teitlebaum would never forgive them.

As they walked to one of the three bars for a drink, the hostess
greeted them warmly and gushed, "Isn't this a beautiful affair?"
And pointing to a small round table topped with a life-sized
sculpture of the Bar Mitzvah boy made of chopped liver, she asked,
"And what do you think of the gorgeous statue of my Bruce?"

This was just too much for Harry Teitlebaum. In a voice dripping
with sarcasm, he snarled, "Why, I've never seen anything to equal
it. Who did it? Lipschitz or Epstein?"

"Lipschitz, of course, darling!" boasted the proud mama, "Epstein
works only in halvah!"

The Bar Mitzvah Gift



There was a young man, who was known for his lack of study and the rabbi of
the congregation, was not about to let this go unnoticed. He performed his
Bar Mitzvah, and rose to the occasion as best he could, with the minimal lack
of preparation.

When it came time to hand out the gifts, to the young lad, he received the
usual Kiddush Cup, and Bible, from the congregation.

But then the rabbi, added a special gift. He said, "You have received many
gifts today, many treasures of judiasm in book form, that will enrich your
life, and make it, holy, in the eyes of Hashem...and now for my own special
gift to you", with that he pulled out an UMBRELLA, from behind the lecturn,
and told the boy, who had become a man, in the previous half hour, "I
present you this umbrella, because, I WANT TO GIVE YOU A GIFT THAT AT LEAST
I KNOW YOU WILL OPEN!"

The High-Tech Bar Mitzvah Gift
from Bubbe's Porch


20 June 1999
I just got back from Zachary Paul-Brock's bar mitzvah. I've known
him since he was 2 days old. Did I kvell! Such wisdom comes out of
his mouth. And poise. Oy, was he poised.


So, his mother tells me he wants RAM for his computer as a gift.
I'm thinking I want to get him something that will last a little
longer, maybe have a little more personal meaning.

Keeping somewhat with the ram theme, I decide to get him a shofar.


A friend of mine says, "a shofar, what will a 13 year-old do with
that? That's not a good gift. Get him a fountain pen, or an id
bracelet."


So what do you think happens? I tell him, "I got you the ram you
asked for, only it's not made out of silicon chips." Wise yes.
But still a little gullible. So, he's looking at this big box I
hand him, shaking it, no noise, "what kind of ram could this be?"
he asks as his voice cracks on the "be."


But before I can continue my joke, he shreds the wrapping paper,
rips open the box, and puts the shofar to his lips. First time,
he just blows spit all over the place. Next, he takes a big
breath, and lets out a deep, long, resonant shofar blast that
probably woke the neighbors or the dead or somebody.


He puts the shofar up to his nose and takes a big whiff and then
gags. "Now, I get it. The shofar is made from a ram's horn. That
is sooooo cool. I'm gonna hand this to my dad and ask him to
install my new ram in my computer"


You can trust Bubbe. She knows from gifts.

Bar Mizvah Reception



Herman Greenbaum had suddenly come into a large sum of money when
his small manufacturing company was acquired by a multi-national
conglomerate. This was fortunate, as Herman's son, Izzy, had just
turned 13 and it was time to plan the Bar Mitzvah.

In keeping with his new station in life, Herman calls up the
fanciest catering company on Long Island and asks for their "free
party planning consultation."

The caterer arrives at Herman's palatial new house and beings to
describe a number of possible options. With each suggestion, Herman
shrugs and asks, "But can't you come up with something more
unusual for my little Isadore?"

"Well," asks the caterer, "is there anything in particular that your
son really likes?"

Herman thinks for a minute and then responds, "Well, he likes animals.
We got him a cocky spaniel and he really love to play with the dog."

"Aha," say the caterer. "I think I have just the thing!" And, with
the authority of a craftsman who truly knows his trade, the caterer
describes his proposal:

"On the eve of the Bar Mitzvah, we will rent an entire floor
at the Plaza in New York to accommodate all of the guests. We
will take them to the synagog by limosine and then return to
the Plaza for an elegant seven course formal dinner.

"Following the dinner, when they return to their rooms, they
will each find a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne and fresh
cut flowers in a sourvenir Steuben crystal vase etched with
a likeness of your son and the date of the Bar Mitzvah.

"The next morning, the limosines will line up in front of the
Plaza and, with an official police escort, will take everyone to
JFK airport where we will have chartered two Concordes to fly the
Bar Mitzvah boy and the entire Bar Mitzvah party to Israel.

"There in the old city of Jerusalem, your rabbi will lead the boy
through his Torah and Haftora portions.

"Following the ceremony, the guests will be chauffeured back to
the airport where they will board the waiting Corncordes for a
champagne reception as the planes break the sound barrier in
close formation.

"The planes will then land in Nairobi where the guests will be
met by an entourage of elephants who will carry them on a safari
throught the great Serengeti preserve while three acclaimed
photographers from the National Geographic snap pictures of your
son and the guests with the exotic wildlife as a cherished momentos
of the occassion."

Herman is duly impressed and agrees that this will be a truly fine
celebration for little Izzy.


Come the night before the Bar Mitzvah, everyone arrives at the Plaza.
The freshly polished limosines are all lined up to take the guests
to the synagog. The dinner is more spectactular than even Herman
imagined. Everyone is delighted with their accommodations. The next
morning, the trip to JFK airport is led by a police escort with small
Israeli flags fluttering from the back of the police motorcycles.

The trip to Israel on the Concordes is perfect. Little Izzy gets to
read his Torah and Haftora portions with barely an error. The guests
enjoy the champagne reception at the speed of sound and are delighted
when they see the elephants lined up at the Nairobi airport.

Off they head into the Serengeti nature preserve while the National
Geographic photographers snap photographs of little Izzy and the
guests.

But soon the entourage comes to a complete stop in the middle of the
grasslands. The procession does not move. Ten minutes go by. Then
twenty. Then an hour. The sun is hot and the guests are becoming
restless. Finally, Herman grows concerned enough to instruct the
handler of his elephant to have the elephant kneel down so that Herman
can get off and find out what's happening.

Herman walks up the line of elephants, reassuring the guests. As he
nears the front of the safari, he meets the caterer who is coming in
the opposite direction.

"What's going on??" asks Herman, his voice quivering with dismay.

"Now, now, Mr. Greenbaum," replies the caterer, reassuringly. "You
will just have to be patient. There is another Bar Mitzvah ahead of
us."

A Lunar Bar Mitzvah

A rich man wanted the most spectacular Bar Mitzvah ever for his son. The
African safari Bar Mitvah was being done too often (that's from another
joke, by the way), so the father arranged to rent the space shuttle from
NASA and take the Rabbi and family into space. That created a lot of
attention, and all the press was there to find out how it went.

The first person off the shuttle was the grandma, and the reporters
asked, "How was the service?"

Grandma answered, "OK".

"How was the boy's speech?"

"OK."

"How was the food?"

"OK."

"Everything was just OK? You don't seem to have liked it? What was wrong?"

"There was no atmosphere!"

Billy Crystal's Response to the Orthodox Rabbis


Credited to Billy Crystal at last year's Oscars (March 1997)-



Upon learning that a group of Orthodox rabbi's are questioning his
Judiasm, Billy quips "You mean, I now have to buy retail!!??"

The Beatles New Release: The Jewish Album



Can`t Buy me Guilt


Roll Over Maimonides


We Can Kvetch it Out


I Am the Bibi

Eleanor Rigby-Cohen

Lucy In The Shul With Derma

Obla Oy, Obla Vey, Life Goes On

We All Live in a Yellow Matzaball

You Say It`s Your Bar-Mitzva, It`s My Bar Mitzvah
Too

Can't Buy Me Kishka

This Goy

Sgt. Pilpul's Lonely Klezmer Band

All You Need Is Lev

The Shul on the Hill

Your Mother Should Only Know

If I Kvell

Informal US-Israeli-Palestinian Talks


As heard on NPR:




During the recent summit, Clinton wanted to make the the meeting
friendly and informal. So he started by informing Arafat & Nitanyahu
that they would be calling others by first names. He started by
introducing himself...My name is Bill, and yours is... BeBe replied the
President of Israel. Then Bill said let me introduce you to Arafat.
Cinton then said "Yassir... thats my BEBE!!" :)

Ben-Gurion's Tie




David Ben Gurion shows up for the state dinner in Jerusalem in typical Israeli
fashion, with an unbuttoned collar and no tie or jacket. President Chaim
Weizmann is shocked and goes over to Ben-Gurion to chastise him.

"David, how can you show up dressed like this at a state dinner. Think of all
the foreign guests who are here."

Ben-Gurion replies, "But Winston Churchill gave me his permission."

"What do you mean Winston Churchill gave you permission, he's not even here!"
says Weizmann.

Ben-Gurion answers with a smile, "Well, when I last visited London, Churchill
said to me, 'Mr. Prime Minister, in Israel you may dress that way, but not in
London!'"

What Makes Someone a Jew?


"Anyone meshugge enough to call himself a Jew, IS a Jew."
- Ben-Gurion

The Butler's Mistake



This Jewish couple won $20 million on the lottery. They
immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury.
They bought a luxurious mansion estate in South Hampton
and surrounded themselves with all the material wealth
imaginable.

They then decided to hire a butler and they went to London,
England. They found the perfect butler and brought him back
to the U.S.

The next day, they instructed the butler to set up the dining
room table for four, that they were inviting the Cohens over
for dinner, and they will be going out for the day.

When the couple returned that evening they found the table set
for eight. They asked the butler why eight when they
specifically instructed him to set the table for four?

The butler replied: "The Cohen's called and said that they were
bringing the Bagels and the Biallys."

Ten Ways to Mispronounce Bibi Netanyahu


10. Yahu Netanbibi
9. Bibi Netan Yo Yo Ma
8. Betty Needs a Yoo-Hoo
7. "Weird Bibi" Netanyankovic
6. Yahootie and the Bibi-Fish
5. To Bibi or Not to Bibi
4. The Unabibi
3. Baby, I'm-a Want You
2. Boutros Boutros Yahu
1. Snoop Bibi Bib

Bibi Light Bulb Joke


Q: How many Netanyahus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Irrelevant. He only screws the state of Israel.

Bible in 40 Words

G-d made
Adam bit
None stayed
Noah built
Abraham split
Isaac fooled
Jacob loved
Joseph ruled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Solomon judged
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
G-d remained.

Baseball in the Bible




Baseball is talked about a great deal in the Bible:


In the big inning G-d created the Heavens and the Earth.
Eve stole first
Adam stole second
Gideon rattled the pitchers
Goliath was put out by David

Bibical Characters' Songs


Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"

Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"

Esther: "I Feel Pretty"

Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"

Moses: "The Wanderer"

Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"

Samson: "Hair"

Humpty Dumpty: The King James Version



And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even]
upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his
arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man
arose, and didst say:

Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I
will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up
his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath]
not another to help him up.

And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are
the mighty fallen. And G-d saw the Egg fall.

And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as
the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the
heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken
me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces.
Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore
troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king
ariseth, and thus did say:

I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy
remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock
in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.

And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength
and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command,
that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the
base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even
unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence
thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the
wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to
where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid,
for they knew not whether 'twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it
had been in the beginning.

And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the
fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought
together again.

When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with
great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was
stilled.

Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What
man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty
spirit before a fall.

Open The Bible And Point



There was once a man. He was very poor and his life was in shambles -- his
wife left him, took all the money, kids, car, and even his dog. He didn't
know what to do. So, he went to his Rabbi, and asked, "Rabbi, my life is in
ruins. My wife left me, took all the money, kids, car, and even my poor
little dog. PLEASE help me."

The wise Rabbi replied, "open up the Bible to any page and point to a
sentence on that page. Whatever it says, you do."

So, skeptically, the man went home, took out his dusty Bible from the attic
and opened up to a page and pointed to a word.

A few months later, the same man, now rich with a new wife, and new dog
walks into the Rabbi's study and says, "Rabbi, thanks for the advice. You
changed my life!"

The Rabbi asked, "What did I do that helped so much?"

So, the man answered, "Well, remember when you told me a couple of months
ago to take my Bible, open up to any page, and point?"

"Yes," replied the Rabbi, "what did you point to?"

So the man replied, "Chapter 11."

Bible Riddles



Q: What is G-d's favorite sport?
A: Baseball because the Torah begins (in English) In the big Inning.


Q: What sport did Moses play?
A: Tennis or basketball because we know that Moses played in Pharoah's
courts.


Q: How do we know that tennis is mentioned in the Bible?
A: "And Joseph served in Pharaoh's court."


Q: How do we know that Moses played football?
A: Moshe kibel et haTorah umasra liY'hoshua...etc. Obviously he was
playing football!


Q: How do we know that righteous people do not need a prayerbook on
the High Holy Days?
A: KI EYN MACHSOR LY'REYAV.


Q: How do we know that mashiach will have a beard?
A: AL TASHEV P'NEY M'SHICHEKHA.


Q: How do we know that Yosef was Moshe's mother?
Q: VA-YIKACH MOSHE ET ATZMOT YOSEF IMO. (Ex. 13:19)


Q: How do we know that Vashti was cloned?
A: GAM VASHTI HA-MALKAH ASTAH "MISHTEY" NASHIM. (Esther 1:9)


Q: Who is the first man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: "Chap. I".


Q: Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible ?
A: Bildad the Shuhite

Bill vs. Monica in Biblical Times


Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God
had had an affair with a former worshipper.

The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as
Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last
week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary
claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was
constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."

In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial,
saying that "No sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts
of this story will come out in time, verily."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzubub immediately filed a brief
with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover
questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and
whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his
illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known only as
the "Wise Men." Beelzubub has issued subpoenas to several angels
who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do
with the charges that Beelzubub was originally appointed to
investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order
to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months,
Beelzubub's investigation has already been expanded to cover
questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued
God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to
claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah
was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the
giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish
special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge
blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for
stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of
a series of 10 "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress
in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that
it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and
lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain"
Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Blessings vs. Curses



So here is the carefully crafted, classic Jewish curse, as
compared to the classic Jewish blessing:


Blessing:
"You should live a long life, make a good income,
and have naches from the children."

Curse:
"You should live a long life, have good naches, and
an income from the children."

Blues for Jews
by Benny Gourionne
(aka Stephen D. Gross)



We got Hebrews
They play da Blues
and den they sit a-
round an' Shmooze
Then they eat Latkes
It's like a hot kiss
that burns the heart
mmm-mm-mmm-mm

When Jascha Heifetz
plays the fiddle
it's jes' like I sits
in the middle
of two young chippies
from Mississippi
who sing the Blues
mmm-mm-mm-mmm

If Itzhaak Perlman
played blues with me
we'd get some girls, man
they'd make coffee
we'd pet their poodle
then eat their strudel
baked with the Blues
mm-mmm-mm-mm

Give me some quarters
fire up them jukes
Talmuddy Waters
plays the Five Books
he even says, Ma
that he plays Kelzmer
behind da Shul
mmm-mm-mm-mmm

We got shmaltz herring
and kishke too
Some fat back matzoh
and goulash stew
but stop your honkin'
about that Flanken
It still can't Moo
mm-mm-mmm-mm

Well Benny Goodman played clarinet
and sweet Al Jolson
he sure could sweat
Then Bo and Fats heard
how Mickey Katz purred
They're listenin' yet
mm-mmm-mm-mmm

We love Yom Kippur
dat's when we fast
then we feel chipper
we eat at last!
carry no money
but milk and honey
they chase the blues

Dem guys with hoods
they run at dawn
a big Menorah
burns on my lawn
they'd like to cook us
come kiss my tuchas
til'you turn blue
mm-mm-mmm-mm

Congregation Board Decision


The President of the congregation went to visit the Rabbi in
the hospital, who had just suffered a mild heart-attack.

"The board voted 12 to 8 to wish you a speedy recovery!"

Suit Up, Boychik
It's Every Jewish Boy's Bad Dream:
Going With Mom to Shop For a Bar Mitzvah Outfit

by Suzanne C. Ryan,
As Appeared in "The Boston Globe", Wednesday, March 4, 1998


NEWTON (MA) - It's a weekday afternoon and 12-year-old Ben Lewis
would rather be anywhere else right now.

Standing in front of a mirror at the men's clothing store
Simon & Sons, Ben is dejectedly modeling for his mother the black
suit he'll wear to his bar mitzvah next month.

"Do you like the plain fabric?" prompts his mother, Sherri Lewis.
"Yea," Ben mumbles.

"Do you want to try on the pinstriped suit?" she asks. "No," he says.

"Do you care if it's poly-wool or regular wool?" she asks. Ben
shrugs nonchalantly.

At a time when baggy jeans and hooded sweat shirts are the norm,
it's not easy talking up a tailored business suit to a gum-popping
12-year-old. Just ask some of the Jewish mothers in the Boston
area who are scrambling to prepare their sons for their bar
mitzvahs, one of the most anticipated of childhood events.

"He didn't want to come," says Sherri Lewis. "I had to bribe him
and coax him. I said, 'The bar mitzvah is a few weeks away. We've
got to go.'"

Without question, the suit-buying event is a major part of the
tradition surrounding a Jewish boy's big day, a coming-of-age
religious ceremony in which 13-year-olds are called to read and
interpret the Torah, Judaism's sacred text, in front of their
congregation.

But for many boys, buying a suit is a new and traumatic experience.
For one thing, it's embarrassing and totally uncool to be seen in
a suit. The universal uniform to wear to a friend's bar mitzvah
is khaki pants and blue blazers. (It's so common that parents
complain their kids often grab the wrong blue blazer after the
event.)

Hard, toe-pinching dress shoes are also a foreign concept to boys
who've sported comfy sneakers and trendy ankle boots since they
were old enough to care about clothes.

They don't know how to tie a tie. And -- after years of shopping
at stores like the Gap -- they've never had a salesperson ask
about sartorial preferences like double-breasted jackets or cuffed
pant legs.

"Christian Dior. What's that?" asks 12-year-old Daniel Jaynes, of
Canton.

For many parents, the bar mitzvah shopping spree is an ordeal as
well. It's so much easier dressing daughters for their bat mitzvahs
(the equivalent event for 13-year-old girls.) While preteen girls
can be sullen too, more of them are fond of shopping and most have
worn a fancy dress to an event before.

Not so for many boys. And not only are their suits expensive (they
typically range from $185 to $300), they need all the accessories,
too: dress shoes ($45 to $75), dress socks ($5), dress shirt ($25 to
$30), tie ($15 to $20), and dress belt ($15 to $20).

And for all that expense, the boys may wear the suit only four or
five times before they outgrow it.

'It's going to be very painful to shell out $300 to $400," says Lea
Berkovits, of Brookline, who has seven children, including
12-year-old son Chanan.

Then there's the actual search for the outfit. You'd think that
would be the easy part. But not that many stores sell boys' suits.
Macy's has a few, but Filene's doesn't, nor TJ Maxx, nor Miltons. If
you know about it, there's Burlington Coat Factory Warehouse in
Braintree, and Lebow Brothers Men's & Boy's Clothing in Wellesley.



Part store, part therapist

But the word in the temples is: Simon & Sons. The retailer began
stocking boys' suits in its Newton store five years ago, after
Jewish mothers in the area basically demanded it. Now the men's
store is like bar mitzvah central, offering one of the largest
selections of boys' suits in the area (350 choices), as well as
six styles of boys' dress shoes; 50 patterns of boys' ties (sized
to fit a boy's neck, and with a sheet of instructions on tying);
five styles of boys' belts; and seven styles of boys' shirts ranging
from size 8 to 20.

"We've got everything for boys, from head to toe," says Paul Simon,
owner of the two-store company.

That kind of selection has created a flood of bar mitzvah shoppers.
Indeed, on one wall the store has 250 snapshots of bar mitzvah boys.
Posing in their newly purchased suits, the kids are lined up in rows
with names like Levy, Stern, Siegel, and Bloom. During the recent
school vacation week, more than 100 mothers and their sons visited
the store.

Says shopper Eva Victor Lessin, of Lexington, "In temple, everyone
talks about this store."

To be sure, merchandise alone isn't the only thing that's made
Simon & Sons remarkable. Its real contribution may be that -- during
one of the most important events of its customers' lives -- the store
willingly serves as part clothier, part family therapist, and part
peacemaker. Somehow, its salespeople have mastered how to resolve
family feuds while overcoming boys' indifference to fashion, or their
ignorance of it.

"We've had maternal and paternal grandparents in here arguing over
who's going to pay," says salesman David Duggan. "Meanwhile, we're
like the dentist to some kids," he says.