(#241) Mrs Goldstein’s golfing special
Mrs Goldstein was out golfing one day
when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for
it and found a frog in a trap. The frog looked up at her and said , "If
you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
Not a person to miss a trick, Mrs Goldstein
immediately freed the frog.
The frog thanked her and said "I’m sorry
but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes -- that
whatever you wish for yourself, Mr Goldstein will get ten times more or
better!"
Mrs Goldstein replied, "That’s OK – I’m
happy to accept your condition. For my first wish, I want to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.”  The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make Mr Goldstein the most handsome man in the
world, women will flock to him like bees to honey."
Mrs Goldstein replied, "It’s not a problem,
because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for
me.
So, "KAZAM" -- Mrs Goldstein is the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, Mrs Goldstein asked
to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make Mr
Goldstein the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer
than you." Mrs Goldstein said, " It’s not a problem, because what's mine
is his and what's his is mine."
So, "KAZAM"- Mrs Goldstein is the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third
wish to which Mrs Goldstein answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever B**ches.
Don't mess with them.
(#242) A very important question
Bernie is a very wealthy man indeed.
One day in June, he goes on holiday with
his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore
on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages
and interests between them.
Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah
what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything,
all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love
me, Sarah?”
“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss
you too.”
(#243) An accumulation of wealth
Jack Jacobs was one day poking through
his wife Suzie’s bureau when he came across 2 golf balls and £5,000
in cash. He just didn’t know what to make of these, so he confronted Suzie
with this evidence. “You don’t even play golf!”
“I know dear.” Suzie said. “We’ve had
some difficult times during our marriage and - well - there were other
men. Each time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in that drawer
to remind me of my error.”
 “I see,” replied Jack. “That explains
the 2 golf balls. What about the £5,000?”
“Oh,” beamed Suzie, “every time I collected
a dozen golf balls, I sold them.”
(#244) The book purchase
Did you hear about Moishe, who was sexually
inexperienced? One day, Moishe went into a bookshop and bought  “How
to Hug ”
Later on, when he started to read his
latest purchase, Moishe realised it was Volume 7 of the Encyclopaedia Britannica.
(#245) The champion of champions
One day, some builders are renovating
an old building in Jerusalem when Solly, one of the workers, falls through
the rotten floor into a previously undiscovered cellar. As the dust settles,
Solly sees to his horror a skeleton lying in the corner. The skeleton is
wearing a blue and white sash with these words written on it: -
“ALL ISRAEL HIDE-AND-SEEK CHAMPION 1948”
(#246) Who will it be, then?
Moishe had been single for a long time.
One day, he excitedly tells his mother that he's fallen in love at last
and he is going to get married. She is obviously overjoyed.
Moishe then tells his mother, "Just for
fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one
I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, Moishe brings 3 beautiful
women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they all chat
for a while. Then Moishe turns to his mother and says, "Okay, Mum. Guess
which one I'm going to marry?"
She immediately replies, "The red-head
in the middle."
"That's amazing, Mum. You're right. How
did you know?"
"I don't like her."
(#247) I’ve lost my appetite
Two little old ladies, Gertrude and Zelda,
were sitting on a park bench near Golders Green having a serious conversation.
"Gertrude," said Zelda, "I don't understand
something. I simply have no appetite lately.  No matter how much I
try to eat, I have no appetite."
Gertrude said, "Listen Zelda, my doctor,
the lovely Doctor Myers, once told me that if I didn't have an appetite
I should take a little piece of herring before meals and I would soon get
an appetite.
So I tried it and it was true.  So
take my advice, Zelda and try a little piece of herring before lunch and
you'll see, you'll develop an appetite."
A few days later the two meet again in
the park.
"Nu, Zelda, how do you feel now? 
Did the herring give you an appetite?"
Zelda sighed, "I took your advice. 
First I had a little piece of herring. Then I had a whole herring. 
I really wanted to give it a chance, so I ate six herrings.  But Gertrude,
your advice didn't work for me.  Would you believe, when lunch time
came, I had absolutely no appetite!"
(#248) I can’t sleep
"Listen to me, Mr. Levy," said the doctor. 
"If you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you will have to stop taking
your
trouble to bed with you."
"I know, but I can't," said Herb Levy. 
"My wife refuses to sleep alone."
(#249) As Prompt as the Tailor
Maurice Gold took his new pair of trousers
to a tailor in Stamford Hill to have them altered.  But the next day,
Maurice was called to Manchester on a last-minute job assignment. 
It was over 5 years before he was able to return to his Stamford Hill home.
One day, while he was dressing, Maurice
reached into his jacket pocket and to his surprise found the tailor's receipt
for his trousers. So Maurice went straight away to the tailor's shop, which
fortunately was still there.
Maurice handed him the receipt, and asked,
"Are my trousers here?"
"Yes, of course," said the tailor. 
"Be ready next Tuesday."
(#250) The interview
Solly, an orthodox Jew, goes to a job
interview with a gentile employer.
In the course of the interview, which
was going well, the employer asks Solly what kind of salary he is looking
for.
Thinking of his large family and the many
bills that have to be paid, Solly quickly replies that he'd needs around
£50k per annum.
The employer replies that in today's market
and with Solly's limited skill set, he is only prepared to pay £40k
per annum.
Upon hearing this, Solly tells him "...listen
even though I am an orthodox Jew and keep kosher, I still have to bring
home the bacon!!"
(#251) The recovery
Irwin Meyers was just coming out of anesthesia
after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Kitty, was sitting
at his bedside.  His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're
beautiful."
Flattered, Kitty continued her vigil while
he drifted back to sleep.  Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful'?" Kitty
asked Irwin.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
(#252) I can hear you
Maurice Goldblatt was showing off. 
He said to his friend Sam, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday.  It
cost me £2,000.
Sam said, "That’s expensive, isn’t it?
"
Maurice replied, "Yes, but it is state
of the art."
"What kind is it?" Sam asked.
"A quarter to twelve," said Maurice.
(#253) The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down
the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently
warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there's a car going
the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It's not just one...there
are dozens of them!"
(#254) The obituary
Mandelbaum died and his wife, Sarah, 
phoned the Jewish Chronicle to place an obituary.
Sarah said to them, "This is what I want
you to print: ....Bernie is dead."
The JC man said, "But for £25, you
are allowed to print six words."
Sarah answered, "Okay, then print:  
.....Bernie is dead. Lexus for sale."
(#255) Who Made You?
Five year old Emma was sitting on her
grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.  From time
to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s
wrinkled cheek.  She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then
his again.  Finally Emma spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, darling," he answered, "God made
me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make
me too?"
"Yes, indeed, sweetheart," he said, "God
made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again,
Emma observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"
(#256) Questions and Answers
Q: Hear about the enterprising rabbi that's
offering circumcision via the Internet?
A: The service is called E-MOIL.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
(#257) And God Created Israel
On the sixth day, God turned to the Angels
and said:  "Today I am going to create a land called Israel, it will
be a land of mountains full of snow, sparkly lakes, forests full of all
kind of trees, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance
of sea life."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich
so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Israeli,
and they shall be known to the most people on earth."
"But Lord, asked the Angels, don't you
think you are being too generous to these Israeli's?"
"Not really, God replied, just wait and
see the neighbours I am going to give them."
(#258) Survivor
Flush with the success of its latest creation,
CBS is launching a new version, called Jewish Survivor.
16 Jews are put in a two-bedroom flat near
Brent Cross in London. Each week they vote out one member until there is
a final survivor who gets  £1 million (but placed into a trust
that does not vest until age 59).
The Rules:
1. No maid service, no au-pairs.
2. No use of ATMs or credit cards.
3. No food must be bought in from take-aways
or be delivered. This includes Chinese food.
4. All purchases must be retail.
5. Outside trips must be by foot, bus
or underground. No cars, hire cars or taxis allowed.
6. All workouts/exercise must be done
in regular sweatshirts - no designer labels.
7. There will only be one phone line for
all 16 Tribe members. No call can last more than 3 minutes.
8. No mobile phones allowed.
9. No telephone calls to mother (for women),
or the office (for men).
10. Maintenance problems must be resolved
by the Tribe, without any help from any gentile.
11. No consulting with lawyers.
Only problem: We hear there have been
no applicants as yet.
(#259) The question
[My thanks to Roberto Haddon
for the following riddle]
How does an Israeli man commit suicide?
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Answer: He jumps from his ego to his IQ.
(#260) The operation
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying
on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What
are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get
my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing
to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep,
and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a
breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you
here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had
that done when! I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."
(#261) Eternal Jewish Truths of Your
Grandmother’s Talmud
o The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist
sees the hole.
o If you can’t say something nice, say
it in Yiddish.
o If it tastes good, it’s probably not
Kosher.
o No one looks good in a yarmulke.
o Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
o WASPS leave and never say goodbye, Jews
say goodbye and never leave.
o Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty
percent off is a mitzvah.
o Israel is the land of milk and honey;
North London is the area of milk of Magnesia.
o Never pay retail.
o Its always a bad hair day if you’re
bald.
o No one leaves a Jewish wedding hungry
but then again, no one leaves with a hangover.
o The High Holidays have absolutely nothing
to do with marijuana.
o So what’s so wrong with dry turkey?
o Always whisper the names of diseases.
o One Mitzvah can change the world; two
will just make you tired.
o If you don’t eat, it will kill me.
o Anything worth saying is worth repeating
a thousand times.
o Where there’s smoke, there may be smoke
salmon.
o Never take a front row seat at a bris.
o Next year in Jerusalem, the year after
that, how about a nice cruise?
o Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
o A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
o A schmata is a dress that your husband’s
ex is wearing.
o Without Jewish mothers, who would need
therapy?
o Before you read the menu, read the prices.
o There comes a time in every man’s life
when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens
at around 45.
o According to Jewish dietary law, pork
and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
o Tsouris is a Yiddish word that means
your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.
o If you’re going to whisper at the movies,
make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear
o What business is a yenta in? Yours.
o If you have to ask the price, you can’t
afford it.
o But if you can afford it, make sure
you tell everybody what you paid.
 
go to tenth set