(#1295) Reception meeting
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Yossel the Hassid is in London on business.
It’s now one hour to shabbes and he’s all dressed up in his special shabbes
clothes ready to go to a local shul. He takes the lift to the ground floor
and walks towards the exit. As he reaches the reception area, he sees a
stunning British Airways air hostess with blond hair and a face and figure
he could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel,
she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
"Hello," she says to him.
"Hello to you too," he says.
"I have a confession to make," she says.
"What is it?" he asks.
"I have a sexual fantasy," she says.
"Nu, so go on," he says.
"I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic
man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands
over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard, play with his peyess,
eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his puppik, remove his gatkes, play
with his shlong and then shtup. So I want you to join me now. I have a
room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?"
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says,
"And what's in it for me?"
(#1296) After my check-up
[My thanks to Daniel S for
the following]
Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan
meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday.
They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical
check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?"
All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful
doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had.
He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They
agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number.
The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends,
"Nu, how went the medicals?"
"After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor
Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could
expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that."
"After my check-up," says Max, "doctor
Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could
expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was
for an eighty-year old to hear that."
Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t
say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how
his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been
loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly
booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was.
When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming.
Have a nice day.’"
(#1297) Heavenly home
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Yitzhak and Sharon have been eating the
healthiest and most organic of foods for over 10 years – mainly at the
insistence of Sharon. She also ensures that they regularly attend keep
fit classes, so although they are in their 80s, they are both in excellent
health.  But their good health doesn’t help them when their car collides
with a lorry on the M25 motorway and they’re both killed.
When they reach Heaven, a guide takes
them to a beautiful house, furnished in gold and fine silks. All their
favourite clothes are hanging in the bedroom’s wardrobes and the kitchen
is fully stocked. There is even a waterfall in the house’s extensive grounds.
Yitzhak and Sharon are thrilled when the guide says, "Welcome to your new
home."
In their previous life, they were not
very well off and survived by watching their pennies, so Yitzhak asks,
"How much is this going to cost?"
"Nothing," replies the guide, "this is
your reward in Heaven."
Yitzhak looks out the window. To the left
of the waterfall is a golf course, more beautiful than any he’d seen on
Earth. "What are the green fees?" he asks.
"This is heaven," replies the guide, "you
can play for free, every day."
The guide then takes them into to the
clubhouse. "Wow!" says Yitzhak, when he sees the lavish buffet lunch laid
out before them. There is every kind of food, from seafood to steaks to
exotic desserts, and plenty of alcohol.
"Don't even ask," says the guide, "this
is Heaven, it’s all free for you to enjoy."
Yitzhak looks around, glances nervously
at Sharon and asks, "Where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and
the decaffeinated coffee?"
"That's the best part," replies the guide,
"you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you’ll
never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"
Yitzhak says "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," replies the
guide.
"No testing of my sugar, cholesterol or
blood pressure?"
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy
yourself," replies the guide.
On hearing all this, Yitzhak glares at
Sharon and says, "If it wasn’t for your stupid bran cereals, your yucky
unsweetened green teas, your tasteless unsalted crisps, your silly small
portions, your watery alcohol-free Kiddush wine and your mind-numbingly
low fat everything, we could have been here ten years ago!"
(#1298) Biblical riddles - 2
Q:  How did Adam & Eve feel when
expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A:  They were really put out.
Q: What did Adam tell his kids as to why
he no longer lived in Eden?
A:  Your mother ate us out of house
and home.
Q:  The ark was built in 3 stories
and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light
to the bottom 2 stories?
A:  They used flood lights.
Q:  Who was the greatest babysitter
mentioned in the Bible?
A:   David - he rocked Goliath
to sleep.
Q: Why was Goliath so surprised when David
hit him with a slingshot?
A: The thought had never entered his head
before.
Q: If Goliath is resurrected, would you
tell him the joke about David & Goliath?
A: No, he already fell for it once.
Q: Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A: Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments
at once.
(#1299) Another riddle
Q: What brocheh does one say before taking
Viagra?
A: There is a choice of three blessings:
1. Boruch Atah Hashem zokeif k'fuffim
- Staighten those who are bent.
2. Boruch Atah Hashem ya'aleh v'yovo -
Arise and come.
3. Boruch Atah Hashem Mechayei hameitim
- Raise the dead.
(#1300) The fishing trip
Lionel, Benny, Max and Hyman are out fishing
early one Sunday morning. After an hour of fishing, Lionel suddenly breaks
the silence and says, "You three have no idea what I had to do before I
could come out fishing today. I had to promise my Rivkah that I would decorate
our bedroom next Sunday."
"That's nothing," says Benny, "I had to
promise my Leah that I would build her a new terrace by the swimming pool."
"Well," says Max, "you both had it easy.
I had to promise my Sharon that I would completely refit our kitchen with
new mahogany cupboards and the latest state of the art equipment."
But Hyman has not said a word so they
ask him what he did to come out fishing. Hyman replies, "I just set my
alarm for 5.30 am. When it went off, I gave my Faye a firm nudge and said,
‘Fishing or Sex?’ She replied, "Don’t forget your sweater."
(#1301)  Medical disciplines
It’s the funeral of Moshe the cardiologist
and Avrahom and Hymie are there to pay their last respects.  Behind
Moshe’s coffin stands a huge red heart covered in hundreds of flowers.
Following the eulogy, the heart suddenly opens, the coffin moves slowly
inside and the heart shuts, enclosing Moshe inside the beautiful heart
forever. Avrahom immediately bursts out laughing.
"What’s so funny?" asks one of the congregation.
"I'm sorry," replies Avrahom, "but I can’t
help thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynaecologist."
Hymie, the proctologist, then faints.
(#1302) How sad
[My thanks to Henry M for
the following]
Moshe meets his friend in Hendon. 
"Hi Abe, how are things with you?"
"OK, I suppose," replies Abe, rather gloomily.
"So why the long face?" asks Moshe.
“Because I just found a full pay packet
in the gutter, that’s why," answers Abe.
"Well surely that’s no reason to be miserable?"
says Moshe.
"It is -  when you see how much the
Inland Revenue has taxed me," replies Abe
(#1303) Prevention policy
Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a
lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says,
"I've some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. 
I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order."
Nathan is initially shocked. But then,
being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the
doctor's office. His son Max is waiting for him.
"Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate
when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so
good. In my case, Max, things aren't so good - I have cancer. So I suggest
we go to my golf club for a few drinks."
4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two
are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses
of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan's club mates, curious
as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating.
Nathan tells them, "Guys, we’re drinking
to my impending death. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS."
His club mates are shocked. They give
Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says,
"Dad, you tell me you’re dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you’re
dying of AIDS. I don’t understand."
Nathan replies, "I don't want any of them
sleeping with your Mum after I’m gone."
(#1304) Adult hide and seek
[My thanks to Nat A for
the following]
Mary and Naomi arrive at the pearly gates
at the same time and soon start to discuss how they died. Mary says, "I
froze to death."
"Oy veh! What a horrible way to die,"
remarks Naomi.
"It wasn't so bad, really," says Mary,
"After I stopped shaking from the cold, I began to feel warm and sleepy
and not long after, I died quite peacefully. What about you? How did you
die?"
Naomi replies, "I died of a massive heart
attack."
"So how did it happen?" asks Mary.
"I felt sure that mine Bernie was cheating
on me with a shiksa, so I came home early to try to catch them in the act.
But when I crept into the house, I found Bernie alone watching TV."
"So then what happened?" asks Mary.
Naomi replies, "Well, I was sure there
was another woman somewhere in the house so I started running all over
the place looking for her. I ran upstairs and searched every one of my
8 bedrooms and their en-suite bathrooms, checking under every king-sized
bed. I searched the games room and then ran downstairs into the garage
and looked inside our Bentley convertible. I went through every room in
the house checking every cupboard and looking behind every designer curtain.
I even went into our loft. I was running around like a meshuggeneh. Finally,
exhausted and stressed, I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
"Too bad you didn't look in the freezer,"
says Mary. "If you had, we'd both still be alive."
(#1305) Alex’s bubbeh’s favourite sayings
(translated from the Yiddish-Russian slang)
[My thanks to Alex S for
the following]
• The length of ‘a minute’ depends on
which side of the toilet door you are.
• (to her daughter): ‘please lower your
voice to a plain scream.’
• (about results of her facelift): ‘Now
I’ve got only one wrinkle and I sit on it.’
(#1306) The delivery
The new postman is delivering a registered
parcel and needs a signature so he rings the doorbell. Sadie sticks her
head out of the bedroom window and says, "Nu, what is it?"
"I have a registered parcel for Mrs Levy,"
he replies.
"Is it wrapped in fancy gift paper or
just plain brown paper?" Sadie asks.
"Ordinary brown paper, madam," he replies.
"So who is it from?" Sadie asks.
"It’s from John Lewis department store,
madam," he replies.
"Does it say from which branch?" Sadie
asks.
"Yes, madam," he replies, "it’s from Oxford
Street."
"Does it say what’s in it?" Sadie asks.
"It says it’s from their Writing Instruments
department," he replies. "Will you now come down and sign for it, please."
"Sorry," replies Sadie, "I can’t do that."
"Why not?" he asks.
"Because," Sadie replies, "I’m Sadie Cohen.
Mrs Levy lives next door."
(#1307) The rabbi’s sermons
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
The shabbes service finishes and the congregation
is invited to a kiddush in the shul hall. During the kiddush, Mordechai
goes over to Rabbi Bloom, shakes his hand and says, "Rabbi, you gave a
good sermon today - you should have it published."
"Thank you," says Rabbi Bloom, "but just
between you and me, I’m planning to have all my sermons published posthumously."
"That’s good news," says Mordechai, "and
the sooner the better."
(#1308) The handywoman
Rivkah, a beautiful blonde, is fed up
being typecast by men as silly, useless, and starry-eyed. "I’m as good
as most men I meet," she says to herself and makes a decision to prove
it - she will earn some decent money by hiring herself out as a handyman.
First thing next morning, Rivkah begins
canvassing the wealthy Hampstead neighbourhood and starts by ringing the
bell of the first house in the first road she comes to. This happens to
be Moshe and Leah’s house. When Moshe opens his door, Rivkah asks him if
he has any jobs for her to do. "Well, my porch needs painting. How much
will you charge me?"
Rivkah thinks for a while, then replies,
"£40."
"OK," says Moshe, "you’re hired. You’ll
find the paint, paintbrushes, primers, scrapers and other such tools in
my garage. It’s not locked."
When Rivka goes into the garage, Leah
says to Moshe, "Do you think the girl realises that we have a very large
porch?"
"That’s up to her to have found out,"
replies Moshe, "let’s leave her to it."
Thirty minutes later, Rivkah knocks on
the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" asks Moshe.
"Yes," replies Rivkah, "and as I had paint
left over, I gave it an extra coat."
Impressed, Moshe reaches into his pocket
for his wallet. But before he could pull it out, Rivkah says, "And by the
way, it's not a Porch, It's a Ferrari."
(#1309) Furniture moves
Rivkah gets into work late one Monday
morning and goes to see her boss to apologise. "I’m sorry I’m late, but
I had to move some furniture this morning before I came into work. In fact
my back is killing me after my efforts."
"So why didn’t you wait until your husband
gets home tonight?" asks her boss.
"I could have," says Rivkah, "but the
couch is easier to move if he's not on it."
(#1310) The funeral procession
One morning, as Sarah is leaving Starbucks
with her usual take-away coffee, she notices an unusual funeral procession
coming along the road towards her. At the front is a large black hearse
and 20 yards behind this is a second black hearse. A solitary woman is
walking behind the second hearse with an Alsatian on a lead. Behind the
woman are 50 other women walking single file.
Sarah is very curious and goes over to
the woman with the dog and says, "I’m sorry about your loss."
"Thank you," says the woman, "you’re very
kind."
"I know it’s a bad time to ask," says
Sarah, "but whose funeral is this?"
"It’s my husband's funeral," replies the
woman.
"So what happened to him?" asks Sarah.
The woman replies, "My dog attacked and
killed him."
"And who is in the second hearse?" asks
Sarah.
The woman answers, "My mother-in-law.
She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence
passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?" asks Sarah.
"Go to the back of the line," replies
the woman.
(#1311) Women's prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for: -
Wisdom - to understand a man
Love - to forgive him, and
Patience - for his moods
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
just beat him to death
 
(#1312) The hot spot
Unusually for a mid August day in Golders
Green, it’s very, very hot. Sadie has been busy. She’s washed the floor,
made the evening’s roast meal and taken the washing out of the washing
machine and hung them up. Then she leaves the house to go pick up some
dry cleaning. As Sadie walks to the shops, she’s perspiring profusely so
when she comes to a pub, she says to herself, "Gootness, it's hotter dan
hell today, so vy nodt? I must go ged a drink or I’ll pass out."
She enters. When the bartender asks what
she would like to drink, all she can think of is a cold beer, her Nathan’s
favourite drink when he’s hot. So she replies, "Ya know, it is zo hot,
I tink I'll have myself a cold beer."
"Anheuser Busch?" asks the bartender.
Sadie blushes and replies, "Vell fine,
tanks, und how's yu pecker?"
(#1313) The stupid golfer
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
Hymie is an avid golfer (if truth be known,
he's a golf fanatic). Every Sunday morning he gets up at 6am because he
has an early tee time. He then plays golf all day long.
One Sunday morning, Hymie gets up early
as usual, dresses quietly so as not to disturb his Leah, gets his clubs
out of the study and goes to his car. But it’s raining torrentially, there
is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing at 50 mph. So he goes
back into the house, finds the weather channel on the internet and discovers
that it's going to be terrible weather all day long.
He then puts his clubs back into the study,
quietly undresses, slips back into bed, cuddles up to Leah’s back and whispers,
"The weather’s terrible."
Without moving, Leah replies, "Can you
believe my meshugga Hymie is out golfing?"
(#1314) Funeral arrangements
Aaron is over 90 years old and is close
to death. Nevertheless, he is surprised to overhear his two sons discussing
his funeral arrangements. "Let’s order two dozen bottles of whiskey and
kosher red wine, plus ten plates each of smoked salmon bagels, egg and
onion rolls, shmaltz herring, fish balls, mixed olives, rye bread and cakes,
and invite all the mourners back to mum’s house afterwards," says Joshua.
"Are you crazy?" says Mervyn, "That would
cost too much. Better we give everyone just a cup of tea and a piece of
cake."
"OK," says Joshua, "but I think we should
hire ten Rolls Royces to take family and mourners to and from Bushey Cemetery,"
says Joshua.
"Are you meshugga?" says Mervyn, "That’s
much too extravagant. All we need do to save money is hire just one large
Ford for you, me and mum. The rest can find their own means of transport."
Just then, Joshua and Mervyn hear Aaron’s
faint voice from upstairs. "Mervyn, will you please fetch me a nice clean
pair of trousers."
"But dad, you know what the doctor told
you," says Mervyn, "you must stay quietly in bed and not over-exert yourself."
"Yes, I know, Mervyn," says his father,
"but I’ve decided to walk to Bushey cemetery. It will save you having to
hire a hearse."
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