(#935) The special cookies
[My thanks to my son Paul
for the following joke]
As 80year old Benny lay dying in his bedroom,
he suddenly smells the aroma of freshly cooked chocolate chip cookies wafting
up the stairs. They are his favourite. So he gathers his remaining strength,
lifts himself from his bed and leaning against the wall, slowly makes his
way out of the bedroom. Then, with great effort, he makes his way down
the stairs, gripping the rail with both hands. Finally, breathing hard,
he leans against the kitchen doorframe and stares in.
"I’m already in heaven," he thinks, as
there, spread out in front of him, are hundreds of his favourite chocolate
chip cookies.
"Am I really in heaven," has asks himself,
"or is it an act of devotion from mine darling Rebecca to ensure that I
exit from this world a happy man?"
Then with one final effort, Benny propels
himself towards the cookies, but ends up on his knees near the table. His
aged hand trembles as it makes its way to the cookie nearest the table
edge, his mind already beginning to think about the wondrous taste that
he will soon experience.
All of a sudden, Rebecca smacks his hand
with her wooden spoon.
"Please don't touch them," she says, "they're
for the Shiva."
(#936) Too clever by half
Little 5year old Benjy was practicing
spelling on his fridge using a set of magnetic letters. Freda, his mother,
had watched him put together words such as ‘mum’, ‘dad’, ‘dog’, ‘cat’ and
‘car’ and was very proud of her clever son.
But then Benjy shouted out, "Look what
I spelled, mummy."
Freda looked at the fridge and saw that
he had put up the three magnetic letters, ‘G’ ‘O’ ‘D’.
"Why, that's wonderful, Benjy," she said,
"why don’t you leave them on the fridge until daddy comes home?"
"OK, mummy," he said.
But just as Freda was thinking that the
Jewish school he went to was starting to have an impact, Benjy’s little
voice called out, "Mummy, how do you spell zilla?"
(#937) Kosher PC
My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had
a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse.
He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I
did, he said I would need to know the differences.


The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for
flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games


Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star
of David in the upper right corner


Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte
of this and a little byte of that.”


Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up


The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels


The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown
every Friday


The KPC start button is labelled, “Let's go
already, I'm not getting any younger.”


When disconnecting external devices from the
back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the
tuchus."


KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant
I should fix this?"


When the KPC processor is working hard, it
broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’


After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes
shloffen.


KPC email always opens with "You don't write
and you never call."


The KPC options button is labelled, "But on
the other hand."


When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box
says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you
really want to cancel?"


The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution
from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor.


Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured
with chicken soup.

(#938) Drive-in cash
Hyman received the following letter from
his bank: -
“The President of the Bank of Golders
Green is pleased to announce that two ‘drive-through’ cash dispensers have
now been installed to enable customers to withdraw cash without leaving
their cars.
To help our customers make the most effective
use of this new service, we have come up with the following guidelines.
These were drawn up following intensive behavioural studies of drive-in
services.
PROCEDURES FOR MALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert card into machine
4. Enter PIN number
5. Enter amount of cash required
6. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
7. Wind up window
8. Drive off
PROCEDURES FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS
1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse a bit to align the car window
with the cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down your car window
5. Find handbag, empty contents onto passenger
seat to locate card
6. Turn down the radio
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to access cash machine
due to its distance from car
9. Insert card into machine
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Empty handbag again to find diary
with the PIN number listed
12. Enter PIN number
13. Press ‘cancel’ and re-enter correct
PIN number
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check makeup in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again to locate purse
and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check makeup in rear view mirror
20. Drive away and then stop after 8 feet
21. Reverse car back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Restart stalled engine and drive away
24. Drive for 2-3 miles
25. Release handbrake
(#939) More Quickies
Q: What does a Jewish Princess make for
lunch?
A: Reservations
Benny is in a restaurant, calls over the
waiter and asks, “Oy, do you have matzoh balls?”
“No,” replies the waiter, “I always walk
like this.”
(#940) Identification
Rivkah, an elderly lady travelling to
London by train, is sitting next to a very distinguished young man reading
the Financial Times.
“Excuse me,” she says, “can I ask you
something personal? Are you Jewish?”
“No, I’m not,” replies the man.
A few minutes later, Rivkah asks him,
“Please, are you sure you’re not Jewish?”
The man replies, “No, I’ve told you I’m
not,” and continues to read his paper.
A few minutes later, “Excuse me, are you
absolutely sure you’re not Jewish?”
At that, the man gets quite frustrated
and replies, “All right, yes, if you must know. I am Jewish. Now will you
leave me alone?”
Rivkah looks at him and says, “Funny,
you don’t look Jewish.”
(#941) The search party
Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to
Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go
skiing whilst she unpacked.
“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll
be back within 2 hours.”
Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned
and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross.
After four hours, a search party, with
guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan.
As they climbed the slopes, they began
calling out, “Mr Levy, Mr Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr Levy?”
When they got to the top of the glacier,
they tried one more time, “Mr Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”
And then they heard a faint voice say,
“It’s OK. I’ve given already.”
(#942) The flight home
Moishe was travelling back to London on
an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served.
"Would you like dinner?" an airhostess
asked Moishe.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
(#943) Marriage etiquette
Naomi had only recently got married and
was in Golders Green having a chat with her best friend Becky. Naomi says,
"Tell me, Becky, I've forgotten the procedure. When one first gets married,
how long should one wait before starting to point out to one's husband
what disgusting habits his friends have?"
(#944) Gender Confusion
A Tel Aviv college professor of IT knew
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her." But what gender, he thought,
should computers be addressed? So he decided to ask his class.
He set up two groups of computer experts,
one comprised of women and the other of men. Each group was asked to recommend
whether computers should be referred to in the feminine or masculine gender
and give 4 reasons for the choice.
The women said that computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender.


In order to get their attention, you have
to turn them on.


Although they have a lot of data, they are
still clueless.


They are supposed to help solve problems but
most of the time they are the problem.


As soon as you commit to one, you realise
that had you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, said that computers
should be referred to in the feminine gender.


No one but God understands their internal
logic.


The native language they use to communicate
with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.


Even smallest mistakes are stored in long-term
memory for later retrieval.


As soon as you commit to one, you start spending
money on accessories for it.

(#945) The new member
Rivkah had been trying for some time to
become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband
dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has
her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she
becomes a member.
Unfortunately, at her first golf club
dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her.
Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown,
Rifka jumps up and shouts, “Oy Vay.”
Then, looking around her, she adds, “Whatever
that means.”
(#946) Directions
Avrahom has just been shopping and is
walking home down Golders Green High Road carrying lots of parcels when
a man comes up to him.
“Excuse me. Do you know where I can find
Levy’s bagel bakery?”
Avrahom hands over the parcels he is carrying
to the stranger, spreads his arms out as wide as he can, shrugs and replies,
“How should I know?”
(#947) Philosophical thoughts


I had a shock the other day when I read in
the papers that 1 in 4 Londoners suffers from some kind of mental illness.
I’m fairly certain my 3 best friends are normal, so it must be me. Oy vay.


I’m not into working out because my philosophy
is, “no pain, no pain.”


But I am in shape. Well, round is a shape.


My bubba believed we should all stay in shape.
As soon as she reached 60, she started walking four miles every day. She’s
75 now and we have no idea where she is.


I’m neither for nor against apathy.


I’ve always wanted to be a procrastinator.
However, I never got round to it.


I’ve always wanted to be somebody. Maybe I
should have been more specific.


I suffer from kleptomania. When it gets bad,
I take something for it.


I plan to live forever. So far, so good.


You don’t stop laughing because you’ve grown
old. You’ve grown old because you’ve stopped laughing. [So keep on reading
these jokes]

(#948) The bonding
On her first day in her new job, Christine,
a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with
the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did
for a living.
The first little girl replies, "My name
is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman."
The next little boy replies, "I'm Peter
and my dad is a gardener."
But the next little boy says, "My name
is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works
in a gay club at night."
Christine quickly changes the subject.
Later on, in the school playground, Christine
quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, "Is it really true what you said about
your father, Moshe?"
Moshe blushes and replies, "I'm sorry
teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just
too embarrassed to say so."
(#949) The benefit of Private Medical
Insurance
Benjy is getting chest pains and goes
to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor says, "There are two
different opinions on how best to treat you. I'm convinced that you need
a triple bypass heart operation. However, your private medical policy says
all you need to do is take this £10 tube of chest ointment and rub
it in twice a day."
(#950) Well, I never
Yitzhak and Fay are travelling by car
to Scotland. It is now quite late in the evening and after many hours on
the road they are too tired to continue. So they decide to find somewhere
to sleep for six hours and then get back on the road. They find a nice
hotel and book a room.
Later, when they check out, the receptionist
hands them a bill for £250. Yitzhak is angry because the charge is
so high. He tells the receptionist that the rooms aren't worth anywhere
near £250 and asks to speak the Manager.
The Manager listens to Yitzhak and explains
that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a conference centre that were
available for Yitzhak and Fay to use.
"But we didn't use them," Yitzhak complains.
"Well, they are here and you could have,"
explains the Manager.
The Manager then explains they could have
taken in the variety show for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers
in the UK perform here," he says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"
complains Yitzhak again.
"Well, we have them and you could have,"
the Manager replies.
Yitzhak gives up, writes out a cheque
and gives it to the Manager.
"But sir," the Manager says, "this cheque
is only made out for £75."
"That's right," says Yitzhak. "I charged
you £175 for sleeping with my wife Fay."
"But I didn't," exclaims the Manager.
"Well," Yitzhak replies, "she was here
and you could have."
(#951) Who has enemies?
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
One shabbas morning, Rabbi Landau is giving
a sermon on ‘the mitzvah of forgiving your enemies’. He talks at length
on the subject for nearly 15 minutes and then asks his congregation, “Please
raise your hand if you are willing to forgive your enemies.“
About 50% raise their hand.
This upsets Rabbi Landau so he decides
to lecture for another ten minutes. He then repeats his question.
This time about 80% raise their hand.
But the Rabbi is still not satisfied,
lectures a bit longer and repeats his question.
This time everybody raises their hand,
except an old lady at the back of the shul.
Rabbi Landau asks, “Mrs Levy, aren't you
willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any enemies,” she replies.
“That's very unusual Mrs Levy. How old
are you?”
“I'm 98, Rabbi.”
“Please, Mrs Levy, come to the front and
tell us how you have lived to 98 and don’t have an enemy in the world.”
Mrs Levy hobbles down the aisle, faces
the congregation and says, with a smile, “I outlived the momzers, that’s
how.”
(#952) The promise
Shlomo and his wife Sarah are lying in
bed one night when Shlomo sidles over to her side of the bed and whispers
in her ear, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
Sarah says, "I'll miss you."
(#953) The soldiers
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following joke]
Private Benny and Private Harry are leading
a donkey down a muddy road near their barracks when the animal suddenly
just drops dead.  An officer sees this happen and while Benny and
Harry are standing there wondering what they should do, the officer goes
up to them.  He quickly sizes up the situation and instructs them
to get some shovels from the camp and bury the poor animal.
Later, while they were digging the hole,
Benny says, "Wow, is this one big mule."
Harry says, "It’s not a mule, Benny, it’s
a donkey."
As they continue to argue, "donkey," "mule,"
"donkey," "mule," another officer, this time a Rabbi, stops to ask them
what they are arguing about. They tell him of their disagreement.
The Rabbi looks at the animal and says,
"It’s neither a donkey or a mule.  According to the bible, it is obviously
an ass.  Now get back to work."
As they continue to dig, another officer
arrives on the scene and asks them, "What are you men digging, a fox hole?"
"No Sir," replies Benny, "not according
to the bible."
(#954)
[My thanks to Charles Kohnfelder
for the following joke]
Rebecca and Hyman are silently rocking
on their rocking chairs in front of the fire when Hyman suddenly says,
"Rebecca, we’ve been married now for over 50 years and it's good that the
children are all grown up, living on their own and don’t disturb us much."
They continue to rock silently for a few
more minutes, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, we certainly aren't getting
any younger."
They maintain their silent rocking for
some more minutes, then Hyman continues, "You know Rebecca, I’ve been thinking.
One of these days, one of us is surely going to die."
They maintain their silent rocking a bit
longer, then Hyman says, "You know Rebecca, if one of us does die, I'm
going to take that trip to Israel we promised ourselves."
go to forty-third
set