STOP PRESS: You men out there –
you’d better not upset your partner tonight – you won’t win any battle
of the sexes! In a recent magazine poll, women admitted that they use ‘sex’
as a tactic to control their partners. Even if women were in the mood for
a bit of love, 40% of them said they wouldn’t have sex with their partners
if they were angry with them. A further 20% of women said they would use
the same tactic ‘just to be in control’.
NB But the poll also found that most women
are too tired to have sex anyway, with 50% admitting they ‘couldn’t be
bothered.’
(#1055) Who knows?
Sarah and Issy are out celebrating their
20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject
of life insurance (his) – an issue she has been raising with him for at
least 10 years, without success.
"Issy," she says, with tears in her eyes,
"I don’t think you love me."
"Why do you think that?" he asks.
"Because if you really love me, you would
ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly
provided for."
"Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life
insurance like I need a hole in the head."
"I know your views," says Sarah, "but
I’ve spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands
have life insurance - and they’re not as rich as you. If it’s good enough
for them, why isn’t it good enough for you?"
"I’ll tell you why," replies Issy, "it’s
because they’ve been paying high premiums month after month and what have
they got so far in return? Nothing, gornisht."
"So what if their husbands have been paying
for nothing?" says Sarah, "You’ve always told me I’m luckier than my friends
– who knows, maybe this time I’ll strike it rich."
(#1056) What a mitzvah
It’s Sunday evening and Rabbi Levy is
in deep conversation with his friend.
"I must tell you something, Moshe," he
says, "I made nine people very, very happy today."
"A mitzvah, Rabbi, a true mitzvah," says
Moshe, "but tell me – how did you manage to achieve this?"
"I performed four marriage ceremonies
in my synagogue this afternoon," replies Rabbi Levy.
Moshe is puzzled. "I can see how you made
eight people happy, Rabbi, but what about the ninth?"
"Do you really believe I did all this
for free?" replies Rabbi Levy.
(#1057) Insider information
Benny has been suffering with his hearing
for many years and at last decides to see a doctor. After examining Benny,
the doctor tells him, "I’m surprised you’ve put up with this problem for
so long. All you need is a hearing aid."
Within days, Benny is fitted with a state-of-the-art
hearing aid and is asked to return in 4 weeks time for a check up.
Benny returns to the doctor a month later
and after another examination, the doctor says, "Your hearing is perfect,
almost 100%. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
Benny replies, "Oh, I haven't told my
family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. As a result,
I've changed my Will three times already."
(#1058) I’m not sure
Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party
with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy
that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s
surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty.
Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov
- and to exchange all the old jokes
"Abe, where will you both live?"
"We’ll be looking for a house near a school.”
"Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous
for the elderly?"
"Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it."
Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says,
"Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love
Hetty?"
"To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not
sure," Abe replies.
"Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken
soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in
the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies.
"Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve
never discussed money," replies Abe.
"So, she must be  ….. good in bed.
Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly.
"I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one
tell before marriage?" answers Abe.
"But if you don’t know whether you love
her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether
she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want
to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau.
"She can drive at night," replies Abe.
(#1059) Knowledge is a wonderful thing
Rose has filed for divorce. When she and
Sam finally attend the court hearing, the judge asks her, "So what do you
find wrong with your husband?"
"Well, among other things, your honour,
he lies; he’s aggressive; he steals my money; and he’s poor in bed. In
fact he’s a bit of a shlemazel(*)."
"Those are serious allegations," says
the judge, "can you prove them?"
"Prove them?" replies Rose, "I don’t have
to, your honour, everyone knows what Sam is like."
"If you knew all of this," asks the judge,
"why on earth did you marry him?"
"But I didn't know it before I married
him," replies Rose.
Sam then shouts out, "She did too, your
honour."
(*) An unlucky person /
clumsy oaf
(#1060) Appreciation
Gary, a financial advisor, is talking
to one of his elderly lady clients about her recent purchase of £100,000
worth of Marks and Spencer shares.
"Rivkah, do you remember your recent investment
in Marks and Spencer? Well, I’ve just heard that they are going to split."
"Oy vay, vat a pity," she replies sadly,
"I'm really very upset to hear about it - especially as they’ve been together
for such a long time."
(#1061) A visit to the butcher
Gary goes to Jacobs Butchers for some
pickled brisket. As Jacob is wrapping his order, Gary says to him, "So,
Jacob, you can congratulate me. Mine Suzy has just given birth to a beautiful
nine pound baby boy."
Jacob nods his approval in an absent minded
kind of way and says, "Nine pounds, eh? With or without bones?"
(#1062) Deja vu
Rabbi Morris has just resigned and Issy,
the synagogue president, goes to visit him.
"Rabbi," Issy says, "I’ve just heard the
news. I’m really sorry that you’ve decided to leave us."
"Don’t worry," says Rabbi Morris, "you’ll
have nothing to worry about. I’m going to recommend a successor whom I
believe will be better than me."
"But that’s exactly what’s worrying me,"
says Issy, "your predecessor told me exactly the same thing."
(#1063) Absolutely certain
As soon as Rabbi Levy entered his office,
there was Arnold waiting for him.
"I need your advice, Rabbi," says Arnold.
"OK Arnold, how can I help, what’s bothering
you?" asks Rabbi Levy
"Rabbi," asks Arnold, "is it right for
one man to make money from another man's errors?"
"No Arnold, it certainly isn’t," replies
Rabbi Levy.
"Are you absolutely sure about that?"
asks Arnold.
"About that, Arnold, I’m absolutely positive,"
replies Rabbi Levy.
"I’m so pleased to hear you say this,
Rabbi," says Arnold, "so could you please return the £300 I gave
you to marry me to my wife Sadie?"
(#1064) Reasons for divorce
Rose goes to see Max, her solicitor, and
says, "I want to divorce my Harry.”
"Why do you want to do that?" Max asks,
"I thought you said he was a man of rare gifts.
"He is," replies Rose, he’s never given
me a present in twenty years of marriage.”
"Very funny, Rose. Is there another reason
why you want a divorce?" asks Max.
"Yes there is," replies Rose, "I want
a divorce because of his appearance."
"That’s an unusual reason," says Max.
"Not really," says Rose, "Harry hasn’t
put in an appearance at home for four years.
(#1065) House move
Little Esther is talking to her friend
Rebecca. “Have you moved into your new house, Rebecca?"
"Yes," replies Rebecca, we moved in last
Sunday."
"Do you like it?"
"Oh yes, it’s a much bigger house than
the one we had before. We all now have our own bedrooms. All except my
poor mum – she’s still in with dad."
(#1066) Business advice
Hymie and Sadie are on holiday in Italy
and on one of the duller days decide to go on a coach tour of Rome. They
were having a nice relaxed time when their guide points out the Colosseum
to them.
"Well Sadie," says Hymie, "isn’t that
a perfect example of what I’ve been telling everyone for ages? If you don’t
have sufficient capital, you mustn’t begin to build."
(#1067) Community warning
Watch out!
We have reason to believe that there’s
a one-fingered Jewish pickpocket operating in your area.
He specialises in stealing bagels.

(#1068) Riddle
Q: What's the difference between what
you squeeze out of a lemon and members of a religious Jewish movement?
A: One is acidic juice and the other is
Hassidic Jews.
(#1069) Eagle eyes
Issy comes home from work. As usual, he
just drops his jacket on the chair in their hallway. As usual, his wife
Freda picks it up. Just as she’s about to hang it up in the cloakroom,
she notices something on the jacket.
"Issy," she shrieks at him, "There’s a
long grey hair on your jacket. You been to your mother's to get sympathy
again, haven’t you?"
(#1070) The quick thinker
Ethel and Leah meet at Brent Cross shopping
centre and sit down on a bench to chat. After a few minutes have gone by,
Ethel suddenly says, "Oy vay, Leah, just look at the face of that poor
boy coming towards us. His mouth is so misshapen that it makes his lips
stand out. And his chin – what a double chin it is. His eyes look at each
other and he’s already loosing his hair."
"That boy you’ve been describing, Ethel,
that boy coming towards us, he is none other than mine son Henry," says
Leah, with tears in her eyes.
"Oh, is that Henry?" replies Ethel, "on
him it looks good."
(#1071) A synagogue visit
Abe and Sadie make a rare appearance in
synagogue. It’s probably true to say that they are not the most religious
of Jews. In fact they only go to shul two or three times every year – and
this is one of those days.
At the end of the service, Abe shakes
Rabbi Rose’s hand and says, "Sadie and I both thoroughly enjoyed your service
today, Rabbi."
Rabbi Rose replies, "It’s nice of you
to say so, Abe, so why don’t you and Sadie come here more often?"
"It’s difficult," replies Abe, "but at
least we keep the Ten Commandments."
"That's really good to hear," says Rabbi
Rose.
"Yes," says Abe proudly, "Sadie keeps
6 of them and I keep the other 4."
(#1072) Playtime learning
4-year-old Moshe is playing in his garden
with his friend Mary. They’re splashing around in his paddling pool and
quickly get thoroughly soaked, so they decide to take off their wet clothes.
Moshe looks at little Mary, then looks down at himself, and then says,
"Oy, I just didn't realise there was so much difference between Catholics
and Jews."
(#1073) OK for daddy
Little Henry is on the beach with his
parents in Eastbourne when he says to his mother, "Mummy, can I go swimming
in the sea?"
"No, bubbeleh," she replies, "the water
is too deep and too rough for you."
"But daddy has just gone in," says Henry.
"I know, darling, but your daddy’s insured."
(#1074) It’s a bit fishy
Isaac has just had a beautiful swimming
pool built in his garden in Hampstead Garden Suburb. But his joy is short
lived when a council inspector knocks on his door and asks to see the pool.
"Mr. Levy," says the inspector, "we’ve
checked our records and we can’t find any evidence that you obtained council
approval to build this pool. Is this correct?"
"Yes," answers Isaac, "but I didn’t know
I needed permission to build in my own back garden. Is permission really
required?"
"Oh yes," replies the inspector, "indeed
it’s required. A swimming pool must get official sanction before it’s built.
Only if it were an ornamental fish pond, say, would permission not be necessary."
"OK," says Isaac, "what you see in front
of you is really an ornamental pond."
"I’m not stupid," says the inspector,
"a 40metre long pool such as yours cannot be described as a pond, Mr. Levy."
"But it is a pond," argues Isaac, "indeed
it is."
Then the inspector spots a filtration
plant at the end of the garden. "So why is there a filter?"
"Because," replies Isaac, "it’s a gefilte
fish pond."
 
go to forty-ninth
set