Jokes 44 Set

(#975) Far reaching
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Three senior citizens - Sarah, Becky and
Estelle, are sitting on a park bench in Golders Green having a quiet chat
when a flasher approaches. He walks up to the bench, stands right in front
of them and all of a sudden, with a loud shout, “AHA”, he opens his raincoat.
Sarah immediately has a stroke. Becky
also has a stroke. But Estelle, who is much older and feebler than the
other two, couldn't reach that far.
(#976) Family growth
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Abe’s father is a widower and a multi-millionaire.
He also has a terminal illness and is likely to pass away soon. Abe, a
single man, decides he needs a woman with whom to enjoy his soon-to-received
fortune and where better to find one than in a single’s bar.
With luck, on his first visit, Abe meets
Rifka, a woman whose beauty literally takes his breath away.
"I'm just a standard kind of a nice guy,"
he says to her, "but in a week or two’s time my dear father is expected
to die and I'll inherit over £20 million."
Rifka goes home with Abe and the following
day becomes his stepmother.
(#977) Dangerous driver
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Sharon and her friend Kitty, two little
elderly ladies, are out for a drive in a large Mercedes with Kitty driving
and Sharon in the front passenger seat. After a few minutes, they come
to some traffic lights but although the lights are clearly at red, the
car just continues across the intersection.
Sharon says to herself, "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
A few minutes later, they come to another
set of lights and again they go through red, this time narrowly missing
a car driving across them. Although Sharon is sure the light was at red,
she is still convinced she is losing it. She is now getting very nervous.
At the next intersection, the light is
again showing red and as before, the car goes across without slowing.
So Sharon turns to Kitty and says, "Hey,
did you know that you just passed 3 red lights in a row? What on earth
are you doing – are you trying to kill us?"
Kitty turns to Sharon and replies, "Oy
vay! Am I driving?"
(#978) Customer is always right
[My thanks to Hilary Ash
for the following joke]
Moshe is in his usual nasty mood as he
goes into a bank and says to the women cashier behind the window, "I want
to open a bloody deposit account."
The astonished woman replies, "I do beg
your pardon, but I must have misheard you. What did you say?"
"So listen carefully this time, you stupid
moo," shouts Moshe, angrily, "I said I want to open a bloody deposit account
and right now."
"I'm very sorry sir, but I won’t tolerate
that kind of language," and with that she leaves her window and goes to
see the bank manager.
The manager agrees with her that she certainly
shouldn’t have to listen to foul language. They both return to her window
and the manager says to Moshe, "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"There is no damn problem," Moshe says,
"I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery and all I want to do is
open a bloody deposit account in this bloody awful bank!"
"Oh, I see, " says the manager, "and is
this bitch giving you a hard time?"
(#979) The helpers
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
One Sabbath, at the end of the service,
Rabbi Cohen announces to his Hendon congregation that he would not be renewing
his contract and that he would be moving on to a larger synagogue in the
West End for more money.  There is immediate silence. He is a popular
Rabbi and most of the congregation (but not all - after all he’s a Rabbi)
are unhappy to hear this news.
Suddenly Moshe, who owns several very
successful kosher restaurants, gets up and shouts out,  "If Rabbi
Cohen agrees to stay with us, I'll provide him and his family with a free
3 course meal every day for the next 2 years."
Then Abe, a successful property tycoon,
stands up and shouts, "If Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll not only increase his
salary by 50% but I’ll also guarantee the education of his two children."
Then Sadie, aged 75, stands up and shouts,
"And if Rabbi Cohen stays, I'll promise him sex."
Rabbi Cohen, blushing, asks her, "Sadie,
why on earth did you say that?"
Sadie replies, "Because I’ve just asked
my husband how we could help and he said, "Screw him."
(#980) The indiscretion
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Rebecca walks into an up-market car showroom. 
As she is browsing around, she spots a special looking car and walks over
to inspect it. Rebecca opens the driver’s door and bends down to feel the
fine leather upholstery. Suddenly, a loud fart escapes her.
Rebecca is very embarrassed and looks
nervously around, hoping that no one had noticed her little ‘indiscretion’.
But as luck would have it, when she turns back to the car, there, standing
next to her is a salesman.
"Good afternoon, madam, can I be of service?"
Very uncomfortably, Rebecca asks, "Yes.
What is the price of this lovely car?"
"If you farted just touching it, madam,"
he replies, "you will sh*t yourself when you hear the price."
(#981) The new golf course
[My thanks to Ian &
Jackie for the following joke]
Maurice wakes up one morning feeling lousy.
"Becky, he shouts, "I’m feeling terrible, I’m sore all over, what should
I do?
"So go see Doctor Myers," she replies.
After a thorough examination Doctor Myers
says, "I am sorry to have to tell you this Maurice, but I have bad news
for you. You’re very ill and in my opinion you don't have very long to
live - anything from a few days to 3 months. I suggest you go home and
make the necessary arrangements."
Maurice is devastated.
Later that evening, after the crying is
over, Maurice tells Becky that as he is a devoted golfer, he would like
to be buried with his golf clubs. If there’s a golf course in heaven, he
would then have his clubs to play with."
But Becky says, "Maurice, as neither of
us knows if there is a golf club up in heaven, I think you should go see
Rabbi Levy and ask for his opinion."
Maurice goes to see Rabbi Levy. "Rabbi,
is there a golf course in heaven?"
Rabbi Levy says, "I’ll speak to God for
you. Come back in a few days time."
Two days later, Maurice returns. "Rabbi,
have you any news?”
Rabbi Levy says, "Yes, Maurice, I have
spoken to God and I have some good news and some bad news for you. The
good news is that God says there is the most wonderful golf course you
could imagine in heaven. The sun shines every day, 365 days a year and
you can play golf to your heart’s content."
Maurice says, "That's wonderful news,
Rabbi, but what's the bad news?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Tomorrow morning
8 o'clock - you tee off."
(#982) Double trouble
Issy goes with Sarah to his local opticians
in Hendon to buy a new pair of glasses for himself. He chooses a pair ‘off-the
shelf’, pays for them and leaves wearing them. As they are a bit hungry,
they decide to have a coffee and a sandwich at a nearby restaurant.
As he is looking through the menu, Issy
says, "Sarah, you better order for me. I’m seeing everything double with
my new glasses. And while you’re doing that, I’m going to the toilet."
When Issy returns, Sarah notices that
the front of his trousers are wet.
"Oy Vay," says Sarah, "what happened Issy? 
Your trousers are all wet?"
"You wouldn’t believe it," Issy replies,
"I was standing in front of the urinal and when I looked down, I saw two.
So I put one back!"
(#983) Life of man
[My thanks to Stanley Cohen
for the following joke]
One day, God created the cow.
God said to the cow, "You must
go to the field with the farmer, suffer under the sun all day, have calves
and give milk to support the farmer. For that, I will give you a life span
of 60 years."
The cow replied, "That's a tough life
and you want me to endure it for 60 years. Just give me 20 years and I'll
give you back the other 40."
And God agreed.
Then God created the dog.
God said to the dog, "You must
sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past. For that, I will give you a life span of 20 years."
The dog replied, "That's too long to be
barking. Just give me 10 years and I'll give back the other 10."
So God agreed (sigh).
Then God created the monkey.
God said to the monkey, "You must
entertain people, do monkey tricks and make them laugh. For that, I'll
give you a 20 year life span."
The monkey replied, "How boring having
to do monkey tricks for 20 years. Dog gave you back 10 years and I would
like to do the same, if that’s OK with you?"
And once again God agreed.
Then God created man.
God said to man, "I want you to
eat, sleep, play, have sex and enjoy. I want you to do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. For that, I'll give you 20 years."
Man replied, "What? Only 20 years? It’s
not enough. Why don’t I take my 20 years and the 40 cow gave back and the
10 dog gave back and the 10 monkey gave back. That makes 80. Is that OK?"
"OK," said God, "you've got a deal."
MORAL: That’s why for the first 20 years,
man eats, sleeps, plays, has sex, enjoys and does nothing; for the next
40 years, man slaves in the sun to support his family; for the next 10
years, man does monkey tricks to entertain his grandchildren; and for the
last 10 years, man sits in front of the house and barks at everybody.
(#984) Inflation
Sol and Abe, both elderly, meet one day
in Brent Cross Shopping Centre.
"So, how's by you Abe?" asks Sol.
"It could be worse, Sol. I’m surviving.
And what about you?" asked Abe.
Sol replied, "I've been ill quite a lot
recently and it's costing me a lot of money. I have no private medical
insurance and in the last five months, I've spent over £6,000 on
doctors fees and medicine."
Abe replied, "Ach. In the old days, you
could be ill for at least two years for that kind of money."
(#985) Who was it?
Yitzhak returns from a 4week business
trip to New York and finds out that his wife Sadie has been unfaithful
during his time away.
"Who was it?" he yells at Sadie. "Was
it that ba**ard Sam?"
"No," replies Sadie, "no, it wasn't Sam."
"So was it Abe, that degenerate old man?"
"No, it certainly wasn’t him."
"Then it must have been that simpleton
Moshe."
"No, it wasn't Moshe either," replies
Sadie.
Yitzhak is now very angry and his blood
pressure is sky high. "What's the matter?" he cries out, "are none of my
friends good enough for you?"
(#986) Unexpected marketing
Sharon has reached the age of 18 and is
regarded by many as, well, a stunner. One day, she goes to buy a new dress.
"Can I please try on that dress in the
window?" she asks Benjamin, the boutique owner.
"Go ahead," Benjamin replies with a shrug,
"maybe it'll attract some business."
(#987) The solution
Melvyn and Max were left quite a large
plot of land by their rich father. However, this caused the two sons much
grief. For months they argued long and hard over how the land should be
divided between them. The solution just wasn’t that simple, so they took
their problem to Rabbi Landau.
"Rabbi," said Melvyn, "can you please
help us solve our problem?"
As soon as he had heard their case, Rabbi
Landau said, "Come back tomorrow and we'll talk again."
The next day, Melvyn and Max returned
and the rabbi gave them his solution. He gave Max a 50p coin and said,
"You can toss the coin."
"And you," said Rabbi Landau to Melvyn,
"can call it, heads or tails. Whoever wins the toss will divide the land."
"But that won’t work," said Max, "we'll
be right back from where we started."
"But not," said Rabbi Landau, "if the
one who wins the toss divides the land and the other one gets first choice!"
(#988) A little change
On his way back from work one evening,
Benny gets hit by a car as he crosses Threadneedle Street and is knocked
unconscious. To the bystanders, he looks in a bad way. A Priest happens
to be passing and not knowing Benny’s religion, administers last rites.
But immediately, Benny's eyes open and he’s quickly fully awake.
"What were you saying to me?" asks Benny.
The Priest tells him about the last rites.
"I suppose a little bit of a different
religion won’t hurt," says Benny, "thanks."
Benny can’t wait to tell his family about
his experience.
When he gets home, he says to his wife,
"Yetta, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she tells him, "Later, Benny, later.
I don't have time. I’m late for my supervision meeting. I’ve left your
dinner in the oven. See you later."
So Benny goes up to his daughter’s room
and says, "Leah, you won't believe what’s just happened to me."
But she says, "Sorry, Dad, I’m on the
phone planning my weekend. Could you please come back later, and close
the door behind you, will you."
He then goes to look for his son who he
finds driving the car out the garage.
"Maurice, you won't believe what’s just
happened to me."
But his son says, "Dad, I’m late for a
date. I need the car and some money. Can you lend me £100 please?
I’ll talk to you tomorrow."
So Benny goes back into his house, shakes
his head and says, "I’ve only been a gentile for two hours and already
I hate three Jews."
(#989) Conversation with mother
“Can I leave the children with you tonight,
mum?”
“Why, are you going out?”
“Yes I am.”
“So aren’t you going to tell your mother
who you’re going out with?”
“Oh I’m just going out with a friend.”
“I don't know why you left your husband,
he was so good to you.”
“But you know I didn't leave him, mum,
he left me!”
“I think you let him leave you and now
you go out with anybody.”
“I don’t go out with anybody. So, can
I bring the children over or not?”
“I never left you to go out with anybody
except your father.”
“There are many things that you did that
I don't do.”
“So, what are you hinting at?”
“Nothing mum. I just need to know if I
can bring the children over tonight.”
“You're staying the night with him? What
would your husband say if he knew?”
“My ex-husband wouldn’t care. From the
day he left, he never slept alone!”
“So, you're going to sleep over at this
loser's place?”
“He's not a loser.”
“Any man who goes out with a divorcee
with children is a loser.”
”I don't want to argue with you mum. Should
I bring over the children or not?”
“Poor children, with such a mother.”
“A mother such as what?”
“With no stability. No wonder your husband
left you.”
“MUM. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!”
“Please don't scream at me. You probably
scream at this loser too.”
“So now you're worried about the loser?”
“Ah, you admit he's a loser, then. I guessed
he was a loser straight away.”
“Goodbye mother.”
“Wait! Don't hang up. What time are you
bringing them over?”
“I'm not bringing them over because I'm
not going out.”
“But darling, if you don’t go out, how
do you expect to meet anyone?”
(#990) What female Jewish judges might
say


"I have a question for the blonde juror in
the red at the end. Can I ask you if you are married? You’re not – Oy,
do I have a son for you."


"Stop already with this discussion of oral
sex. It's dirty, dirty, dirty!"


"Look at that face! How can a nice boy like
him be guilty?"


"Enough with the objections already! And stand
up straight - your mother would die if she saw you like this. Not that
she ever sees much of you anymore, I'll bet."


"Objection, schmobjection. You and the DA,
come back to my chambers and we'll talk this out over a nice hot cup tea."


"I’ve just awarded you £1M and you can't
even thank me? I take it back!"


"Fine, go have your little conference with
your client and leave me here, sitting alone, up on the bench."


"If you don't try the chicken soup, it's five
days in jail for contempt."


"Evidence, shmevidence. He just looks guilty."


"Oh, you want to object, do you? You don't
think I can do my job? Well, how about you come up and take this gavel,
Mr. Smarty Pants? Here, I'll put it on the desk - right next to my heart.
No, go ahead, take it. You're right, I'm just a senile old woman and should
probably be sent off to some sort of home. Your Aunt Myra really likes
her room, why don't you give her a call? But really, I shouldn't have to
remind you to call your Aunt Myra. I guess you just don't love her anymore,
either. I should have expected it, you being a big shot lawyer now. Would
it kill you to just believe me once instead of always having to argue?
Overruled."

(#991) What’s your position?
Jacob is out sailing in his expensive
yacht when he gets into difficulties and has to call out the lifeboat.
Because the coastguard needs an accurate fix on the yacht's location, he
calls the yacht on the radio.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is
your position?"
Jacob replies, "My position? It’s very
good. I'm marketing director of a medium sized firm of solicitors in London."
(#992) Moshe in conversation
"What time is it?"   Standard
response: "Sorry, I don't know."
Moshe’s response: "What am I, a clock?"
"I hope things turn out OK."  
Standard response: "Thank you."
Moshe’s response: "I should be so lucky!"
"Hurry up, dinner is ready."  
Standard response: "OK. Be right there."
Moshe’s response: "Alright already, I'm
coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
"Rifka and I just got engaged."  
Standard response: "Congratulations!"
Moshe’s response: "She could do with putting
on a few pounds."
"Would you like to go riding with us?"
Standard response: "Just say when."
Moshe’s response: "Riding, shmiding! Do
I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honour at birthday party: 
Standard remark: "Happy birthday."
Moshe’s remark: "A year smarter you should
become."
"Isn’t it a beautiful day?"  
Standard response: "It sure is."
Moshe’s response: "So the sun is out,
what else is new?"
Answering son’s call: Standard remark:
"It's been ages since you called."
Moshe’s remark: "You didn't wonder if
I'm dead yet?"
(#993) Death in the family
Becky meets her best friend in Brent Cross
shopping centre.
"Rebecca, did you know that Naomi passed
away last week?"
"No, Becky, I didn't know," replies Rebecca,
"How did Abe, that stupid husband of hers, take it?"
"Hard, Rebecca, very hard," says Becky,
"but not as hard as Isaac, their lodger, who everyone knew was having an
affair with Naomi. Rumour has it that when Naomi died, Isaac just went
to pieces. He couldn't eat, he couldn't sleep and he just sat around the
house crying buckets."
"So then what happened?" asks Rebecca.
"I'll tell you what happened," answers
Becky, "a few days after the funeral, that stupid Abe said to Isaac, "Stop
your crying Isaac. Don’t worry. I'll get married again!"
(#994) Roman salesman
[My thanks to Ian Sarsby
for the following joke]
Marcus Brutus Goldstein earned his living
in the great market of ancient Rome. He was a tailor and made togas which
he would sell from his market stall. His marketing ploy was to shout out
his wares for sale, "Togas! Come buy your togas here - the finest togas
in all of Rome!"
Unfortunately, business was not good.
His friend Moshe suggested that the problem
was due to the cold weather. He should therefore line the garments with
a fine quality wool lining.
Marcus Brutus Goldstein decided to use
the finest quality Kashmir linings. From that day on, he could be heard
plying his trade in the market, shouting to passers-by,  "Kashmir
in togas!"
go to forty-fifth
set