Jokes 40 Set

(#895) Diversification
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
Issy and Shlomo have been running a Jewish
goods shop in Kilburn, London for over 40 years but the neighbourhood was
not what it was and the Jewish community was moving out.
One day, Shlomo says, "Issy, our customers
are moving out. Ve haff to move to where they are going - to Golders Green
or Hendon, if ve vant to survive."
"Ve can't do this," replies Issy, "dis
neighbourhood iz our life. Ve've been here for foity-tree years. However,
instead of moving, ve should tink about sellink Katolik articles as vell
as Jewish vuns."
"Vut? Katolik tings?" says Shlomo, "Dat’s
a meshuggeneh idea. Ve Jews can’t sell anytink Katolik."
But in the following week they only manage
to sell one mezuzah and a Barmitzvah tallit and by Friday Shlomo comes
round to Issy’s way of thinking - they will have to stock some Catholic
articles.  "OK Issy," he says, "You vin. Call de Katolik supplier
in Cricklevood right now."   So Issy rings them.
"Hello, is dis de Katolik Supply House?"
"Yes it is.  How can we be of help,
sir?"
"Dis is Issy of Issys and Shlomos in Kilburn.
Ve vant 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope, all autographed please,
and 200 of dem beads, vot dey called?"
"Rosaries, sir. Will there be anything
else?"
"Yes, ve also vant some crosses, a gross
will do for starters, and ve vant you to deliver all of dese things to
us tomorrow morning."
"OK sir," comes the reply, "Let me read
the list back to you to check that I’ve got your order right. You require
a delivery tomorrow morning of 200 daily missals, 100 pictures of the Pope,
each one to be personally signed by his holiness, 200 sets of Rosaries
and 144 crucifixes. But about dese crucifixes – do you vant dem mit or
mitout de Jesuses?  Ve can do either. But tomorrow ve don't deliver.
It's shabbos."
(#896) You know your mother is Jewish
when


She cries at your bris - because you’re not
engaged already.


She shouts “Mazeltov.” - every time she hears
some crockery break.


She does all her Pesach shopping for next
Pesach as soon as Passover ends – because she can buy the essential items
at sale prices.


She calls you many times a day before 10am
- because she wants to ask you how your day is going.


She takes an extra suitcase with her on holiday
– because where else can she put the hotel’s face cloths, soaps, shampoos,
bath oils, shower hats and shoe shiners?


She cries at your Barmitzvah  - because
you’re not engaged already.


She goes to her doctor for every minor ailment
– so she can show your photo to the young single doctors.


She won’t let you leave home without a coat
and some advice on dating – because ‘mother knows best’.


She takes restaurant leftovers home with her 
- “I should throw away?”


She cries on your 21st birthday - because
you’re not engaged already.


She’s serves you chopped liver every week
- because just once, when you were young, you told her you loved chopped
liver.


She makes an extra shabbos table setting –
because you just might have met your beshert on the way over.


She gets mad with you if you buy jewellery
at full price – because she knows someone who could have got it cheaper
in Tel Aviv.


She encourages you to do whatever you want
with your life - as long as it includes grandchildren.


She’s regularly heard muttering - “Is one
grandchild too much to ask for?”

(#897) Benjy the thief
Benjy had been arrested and was now up
before the judge.
The judge asks, "Do you admit you broke
into the same clothes shop 3 times?"
"Yes," replies Benjy.
"Could you please tell the court what
you stole." asks the judge.
"I stole a dress, your honour," replies
Benjy.
"Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking
in 3 times," says the judge.
"Yes I did, your honour," says Benjy,
"but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before."
"Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand,"
says the judge.
"Because my wife Bette didn't like the
design, your honour."
(#898) Sights of London
Yitzhak and Hyman are visiting London
for the first time. One day, whilst out sightseeing in Golders Green, they
come across two Jews with long beards and dreadlocks, wearing long black
coats and wide brimmed hats.
Yitzhak, who’s a bit of a joker, points
to them and says to Hyman, "What are they?"
Hyman replies, "Hassidim."
"I see them too," says Yitzhak smiling, 
"but what are they?"
(#899) Plastic surgery
Max and Leah visit a plastic surgeon.
When asked what they would like done, Max replies, “It’s her tuchus, doctor,
her backside is getting so large that I can no longer get my hands around
it.”
“So,” says the doctor, “you would like
me to perform a tuchus reduction?”
“No, no,” replies Max, “I need a hand
enlargement.”
(#900) Life’s lesson
Little Sam was out shopping with his mother,
something he didn’t like very much. But when they passed a toy store, Sam
came to life. He saw a new toy in the window that he didn’t have but wanted.
Sam begged, pleaded and nagged but to no avail. He got so rude that his
mother firmly said, "I’m very sorry Sam, but we didn’t come out to buy
you a toy."
Sam angrily said, "I’ve never met a woman
as mean as you."
Holding his hand gently, she replied,
"Sam, darling, one day you'll get married and then you will ... you really
will, I promise you."
(#901) Salesmanship
Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes
shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed
Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told
him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous
suit we've had in stock for such a long time."
"Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue
double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom."
"That's the one!" said Moshe.
"Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really
thought we'd never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we've ever
had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I
sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."
(#902) Flying companion
Lionel is flying back to London. He boards
his plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a heavy, mean-looking,
giant of a man sits next to him and promptly falls asleep.
During the flight, Lionel begins to feel
quite sick and wants to go to the toilet, but he's afraid to wake the giant
and it would be impossible to climb over him. So Lionel has to sit there
trying to decide the best course of action. Suddenly, the plane hits some
air turbulence and lurches around for a few seconds. A wave of nausea overcomes
Lionel and he is sick all over the giant.
Some time later, the giant awakes and
sees the vomit over him.
"So," says Lionel, "are you feeling better
now?"
(#903) The thoughtful juror
When Rivkah was called up for jury service,
she asked the judge whether she could be excused.
"I don’t believe in capital punishment,"
she said, "and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running
its proper course".
The judge liked her thoughtfulness but
had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury.
"Madam," he explained, "This is not a
murder trial, it's just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs F is bringing this
case against her husband because he gambled away the entire £15,000
he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a make-over
on her kitchen."
"OK," said Rivkah, "I'll join your jury
- I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."
(#904) Five quickies
1. Moshe was talking to his friend. "I
had it all, Hymie - money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful
woman. Then pow! It was all gone."
"What happened?" asked Hymie.
"My wife found out about the beautiful
woman."
2. Sharon says to Leah, "Aren't you wearing
your ring on the wrong finger?"
Leah replies, "Yes - I married the wrong
man."
3. Freda says to her husband, “Let's go
out tonight and have some fun.”
Max replies, “OK, but if you get home
before me, leave the porch light on.”
4. Harry said to his friend, "I married
Miss right, but I just didn't know her first name was Always."
5. Moshe muttered a few words in the synagogue
and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep
and found himself divorced.
(#905) Negative views on marriage
Bernie says marriage is not a word, it's
a sentence,
    a life sentence.
Sadie says marriage is a three-ring circus,
    engagement ring, wedding
ring and suffering.
Bernie and Sadie say that married life
is full of excitement and frustration,


In the first year of marriage the man speaks
and the woman listens


In the second year  the woman speaks
and the man listens


In the third year   they both speak
and the neighbours listen.

Sadie says that getting married is very much
like going to a restaurant with friends,
    you order what you
want but when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered
that instead.
Bernie says a happy marriage is a matter
of giving and taking,
    the husband gives and
the wife takes.
Son:        
How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father:     I don't
know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son:        
Is it true in ancient China a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?
Father:    That's true
everywhere, son.
Sadie says love is one long sweet dream,
    and marriage is the
alarm clock.
Bernie says that when a man holds a woman's
hand before marriage, it’s love,
    but after marriage,
it’s self-defence.
Bernie told Sadie during their courtship
that he would go through hell for her,
    they got married and
now he IS going through hell.
Confucius, he say,
    “man who sinks into
woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.”
Bernie says, “when a man steals your wife,
    there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.”
Bernie and Sadie say that after marriage,
a husband and wife become two sides of a coin,
    they can't face each
other, but still they stay together.
Bernie and Sadie say marriage is when man
and a woman become one,
    the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
Bernie says before marriage, a man yearns
for the woman he loves,
    after the marriage
the "Y" becomes silent.
Bernie says it's not true that married
men live longer than single men,
    it only seems longer.
Bernie says man is incomplete until he
gets married,
    then he is finished.
Sadie says it doesn't matter how often
a married man changes his job,
    he still ends up with
the same boss.
Bernie inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE
WANTED.
The next day he received a hundred letters
and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
Sadie says when a man opens the door of
his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing,
    either the car is new
or the wife is.
(#906) Alternatives
Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their
80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed
by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms
- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had
been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love.
While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think
it's wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those
loving pet names."
Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell
you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
(#907) The proud mother
Jewish mothers don't differ from any other
mothers in the world when it comes to bragging about their sons. Rivkah,
trying to out-do another when it came to opportunities available to their
just-graduated sons said, "My Irving has had so many fine interviews, his
resume is now in its fifth printing."
(#908) Business is business
Fay is sitting at a hotel bar waiting
for her husband to arrive when a man approaches her.
"Hi, honey," he says. "Want a little company?"
"Why?" asks Fay, "do you have one to sell?"
(#909) Unfolding the future
Cyril had just retired and was having
a discussion with his wife Ethel on what the future might hold for them.
"What will you do if I die before you?”
Cyril asks.
After some thought, Ethel replies, "Oh,
I’ll probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed
women. As I’m still quite active, the other three could be a little younger
than me."
Then Ethel asks Cyril, "What will you
do if I die first?"
Cyril replies, "Probably the same thing."
(#910) Facts of life
Benny was fed up with being bossed around
by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told
him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up
his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started
to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished
the book.
Benny strode manfully into the house,
walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, "From now onwards
you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions
in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favourite meal and
I expect a special mouth-watering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner,
you're going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of
the bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s
who." replied Leah.
(#911) Love versus marriage
Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street
Love is dinner for two at the Savoy Hotel.
Marriage is Chinese take-away.
Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is deciding which sofa.
Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting a break
from children.
Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.
Love is a flickering flame.
Marriage is a flickering TV.
(#912) Moshe’s advice
A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and
tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks Moshe.
"Well the left one feels a bit tight,"
replies the man.
Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s
left foot and says, "Try it again, this time with the tongue out."
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
(#913) Queens English
Lionel is walking home one Friday afternoon
feeling quite downcast because he is starting a new job on Monday and desperately
needs a new suit. But he can’t afford to buy one. Just then he passes the
Hendon Menswear Shop and sees a large sign in the window: -
"What d'ya think, my name is Fink and
I sell clothes for nothink."
Lionel goes into the shop and chooses
a new suit. He is very pleased with it – it’s just right for his new job.
He is about to leave the shop, looking good and feeling lucky, when his
joy is cut short. Fink stops him and demands payment for the suit.
Lionel says, "But your sign in the window
says, ‘What d’ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink.’
So how come you want payment?"
"You are reading my sign wrong," replies
Fink. "It actually says, ‘What d'ya think? - My name is Fink? - And I sell
clothes for nothink?’"
(#914) What did you say?
Benny’s hearing has been getting worse
of late and he finally decides to buy a hearing aid. But he doesn’t want
to spend too much money on it. He goes into a hearing aid shop and asks
the salesgirl, "How much do hearing aids cost?"
"That depends on the model," she replies,
"they start from £5 and go up to £2,500."
"So show me the £5 model, already"
says Benny.
The salesgirl puts the £5 device
around Benny's neck and tells him, "All you do is put this stud in your
ear and run this length of wire down to your pocket."
"Nu, so does it work?" asks Benny.
"With respect, sir, for £5, it doesn't
work," she replies, "but when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
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set