Jokes 29 Set

(#675) The drawing session
[My
thanks to Charles Kohnfelder for the following joke]
Moshe is having a session with his psychiatrist. 
Doctor Cohen draws a picture of a triangle and asks Moshe what it looks
like to him.
Moshe shows some excitement and says,
"It looks like a man & woman in bed."
"Hmmm," says Doctor Cohen, stroking his
beard. He then draws another picture, this time of a square, and again
asks Moshe what it looks like to him.
Moshe gets more excited and says again,
"It looks like a man & woman in bed."
Again Doctor Cohen says "Hmmm", strokes
his beard and then draws another picture, this one a circle. He asks Moshe
what this looks like to him.
Moshe is agitated and replies, "It looks
like a man & woman having intercourse."
Doctor Cohen says, "Young man, I think
you have too much sex on your mind."
Moshe replies, "That’s unfair – it’s you
who's drawing the dirty pictures."
(#676) The Aliyah
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following joke]
A Gabbai approaches a guest in the synagogue
and says, "I want to give you Aliyah. What’s your name?"
The man answers, "Rifka bat Jacov."
The Gabbai says, "No, I need your name."
The man says, "I told you, it’s Rifka
bat Jacov."
The Gabbai asks, "How can that be your
name?"
The man replies, "I've recently been in
some serious financial difficulties and so everything is now in my wife's
name."
(#677) Preparing for the wedding
[My thanks to Peter Scolding
for the following joke]
Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah,
age 89, to marry him and she has accepted. Mazeltov! They are both very
excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding
arrangements. On their walk they pass a large chemist and decide to go
in. Maurice asks to see the owner.
When a young man comes up to them, Maurice
asks, "Are you the owner?"
"Yes I am," says the man, "how can I help?"
"We're about to get married," says Maurice.
"Do you sell heart medication?"
"Of course we do," replies the owner.
"How about medicine for improving circulation?"
asks Maurice.
"We stock all kinds, sir."
"What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?"
asks Sarah.
"Yes, no problem, madam."
Maurice then asks, sheepishly, "Do you
stock that Viagra, then?"
"Of course, sir."
Sarah then asks, "What about vitamins,
sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's, medicine for memory problems,
arthritis and jaundice?"
"Yes, we stock a large variety of all
of these. The works, madam."
Maurice then asks, "Do you sell wheelchairs
and Zimmer frames?"
"Our speciality. We have many sizes and
all speeds."
Maurice finally says to the owner, "OK.
We'd like to set up our wedding gifts list here, please."
(#678) Length matters
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman
for the following joke]
Abe is an old Jewish guy who sells cloth.
He lives next door to Smith, the biggest anti-Semite in town.
One day Smith calls on Abe and says, "Hey
Jew!!!... I need a piece of orange cloth.  Its length must be from
the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered
tomorrow."
Abe says, "OK."
The next morning Smith is awakened at
7am by the sound of running engines.  He runs outside to see a row
of lorries lined up one after the other dumping loads and loads of orange
cloth in his front garden.  Soon his garden is 5 ft deep in orange
cloth. Abe then presents Smith with a bill for £15,000
Smith starts yelling and screaming at
Abe.  "What is this, Jew? This is not what I asked for.  I told
you I needed a piece of cloth from the end of your nose to the tip of your
penis.  Look at this place. What do you have to say for yourself?"
With a straight face, Abe replies, "I'm
very careful when I deal with people like you. That's why I’ve got a few
witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 5%
discount; but...the tip of my penis was left in Poland after my circumcision."
(#679) Bad food
Moishe, an elderly man, was listening
to a dietician addressing a large audience in London.
"Did you know," said the dietician, "that
the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually
kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us,
soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium
Glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most
of us don’t realise the long-term harm being caused by additions to our
drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these
put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell
me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?"
Moishe stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
(#680) The birthday present
Shlomo was driving home one evening when
he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't
bought her a present. So he drove to Brent Cross Shopping Centre and ran
all the way to the toyshop.
"How much is the latest Barbie doll?"
he asked the manager.
The manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the Gym' for £17.99, 'Barbie goes to the Dance' for
£16.99, 'Barbie goes to the Shops' for £15.99, 'Barbie goes
to the Seaside' for £18.99, and 'Barbie goes to the Barmitzvah' for
£19.99. We also have 'Divorced Barbie' for £350.00".
Shlomo is confused and asked the manager,
"Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost £350 when all the others are less
than £20?"
"It’s simple," replied the manager, "divorced
Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's
cat and Ken's furniture."
(#681) Some quotes you might not be
aware of


After all the money we spent on braces, is
that the biggest smile you can give me? [Mona Lisa’s Jewish Mother]


I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you could
have still written. [Columbus’ Jewish Mother]


Of course I’m proud you invented the electric
light bulb. Now be a good boy and turn it off and go to bed. [Thomas Edison’s
Jewish mother]


But it’s your Barmitzvah photo. Couldn’t you
do something about your hair? [Albert Einstein’s Jewish mother]


That’s a nice story. So now tell me where
you’ve really been for the last 40 years.  [Jonah’s Jewish mother]

(#682) Trip to lingerie
Rubin took a trip to John Lewis Brent
Cross. He went straight to the lingerie department, boldly walked up to
an assistant and said, "I want a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.
"What type?" Rubin replied, "Is there
more than one type?"
"Yes sir, there is," she said, "Just look
at these."
And she then showed him bras in every
shape, colour and material imaginable.
"Actually," she said, "even with such
a variety, there are only 4 types of bra."
Rubin was very confused, so he asked her
what the 4 types were.
"There is the Presbyterian type, the Catholic
type, the Salvation Army type and the Jewish type.  Which one do you
think your wife would like?" she replied.
Still confused, Rubin asked, "What’s the
difference between them?"
The assistant replied, "It’s really quite
simple, sir. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, the
Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the
fallen and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."
(#683) Good advice
When Jewish children were asked what advice
they would give to other children, here are some of the answers they gave.


"Never trust a dog to watch your food."


"When your Dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I
look stupid?' don't answer."


"Never tell your Mum her diet's not working."


"Stay away from prunes."


"Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you
to."


"When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let
her brush your hair."


"Don't sneeze in front of Mum when you're
eating crackers."


"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts."


"If you want a kitten, start out by asking
for a horse."


"Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick."


"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding
a cricket bat."


"If you get a bad school report, show it to
Mum when she's on the phone."

(#684) The three bears Levine
It's a lovely hot, sunny morning in the
forest where the bear family Levine live. There was mummy bear Rifka, daddy
bear Shlomo and baby bear Benny.
Benny bear goes downstairs for breakfast
and as usual sits down in his small chair at the end of the table. He looks
at his small plate and guess what? It’s empty.
"Who's been eating my bagel?" he squeaks.
Shlomo bear then makes an appearance and
sits in his big chair. He looks at his big plate and guess what? It too
is empty.
"Who's been eating my bagels?" he roars.
On hearing all this complaining, Rifka
bear puts her head through the serving hatch and shouts at Shlomo and Benny.
"How many times do we have to go through
this? It was mummy bear who got up first. It was mummy bear who woke up
everybody else in the house. It was mummy bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put everything away. It was mummy bear who went out
into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspapers and bagels. It
was mummy bear who set the breakfast table. It was mummy bear who filled
the cat's milk and food dishes, and it was mummy bear who cleaned the litter
box and took the dog for a walk."
"And now that you two have finally decided
to get out of bed and grace me with your presence, listen good because
I'm only going to say this one more time.......
I haven't made the bl**dy bagels yet!!!"
(#685) Moishe Magic
Moshe Magic (a Jewish magician, would
you believe?) was playing to a packed London variety theatre. When he came
to the point in his act where he needed someone to help him, he called
up the biggest, strongest-looking man he could find in the audience.
When the helper came up on stage, Moshe
Magic handed him a rubber mallet and said, "When I put my head on this
wooden block, hit me as hard as you can. And don’t worry about hurting
me - it won't effect me at all. It’s my act."
The man said, "Okay, if you say so."
So Moshe Magic put his head on the block
and said, "OK, you can hit me now."
Ten years later, Moshe Magic woke up in
a hospital bed from a coma and yelled, "Ta-Da!"
(#686) Helping the needy
Hette had just got back home after a trip
to Brent Cross shopping center when she was shocked to find her husband
Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side.
Hette was speechless and ran from the
room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening
the front door to escape.
Bernie said, "Before you leave me, Hette,
please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this
woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in
tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask
whether she needed any help."
"She told me she was hungry so I brought
her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you
said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair
of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave
her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going
to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her
a new skirt from your wardrobe – one that you said didn’t fit you anymore."
"Then just as she was about to leave the
house, she asked me, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use
anymore?' And so, here we are!"
(#687) Should I marry?
Moshe was talking to his friend Issy.
“Issy, I’m nearly 40 years old. Do you think I should marry?”
“By all means get married,” replied Issy.
“If you get a good a wife, you'll be happy. If you don't, you’ll become
a philosopher -- and that’s a good thing for any man.”
(#688) The Rolls Aviv
Rabbi Levy handed in his notice, left
his synagogue and opened up a Jewish bookshop. He worked very hard for
several years and then decided to buy a new car. He put on a dark suit
and white shirt, which looked impressive with his long beard, and went
to see John, the local car dealer.
As soon as John saw him, he said, "Have
I got a car for you, Rabbi!"
Levy looked at John and said, "What do
you mean?"
"I mean a Rolls Aviv," said John, "a British
built car with Israeli designed computerized digital commands for the religious
driver.  Come over here and let me show you. You won’t believe your
eyes. It’s unique."
John opened the door of the Rolls Aviv
and Levy got in.
"Notice that it has no accelerator or
brake pedal," said John.
"So how do you stop and start it?" said
Levy.
"Ah, that's the wonder of the Israeli
computerized technology. It has a digital VMA-box that converts words into
instructions the car understands. All you have to do is to speak the right
words and the car will know what to do."
"I don't believe it," said Levy.
"It’s true. To begin driving the car,
just say, "baruch ha’shem (thank God)."
And as John spoke those words, the car
began to move.
Levy was frightened. "How do you stop
it?"
"That's easy. Just say, 'shema yisroel',
and the car will stop," said John and as he spoke these words, the car
braked to a halt.
"So there it is. Say 'baruch ha’shem'
to start and 'shema yisroel' to stop."
Levy was so impressed, he bought the car
right away. He got in, said the words, 'baruch ha’shem' and soon the Rolls
Aviv was heading out towards the M1 motorway. Unfortunately, Levy failed
to see a sign that said,
"Warning – unfinished bridge ahead. Take
next turning left."
so the car continued to move at speed
towards the bridge.
"Oy Vay! I’m going to crash. How do I
stop it?"
Panicking, he couldn’t remember what John
told him. His mind was a blank and the car was quickly approaching the
end of the unfinished bridge.
"This is the end of me," Levy thought
and preparing for death, he started reciting the shema. Suddenly, the Rolls
Aviv screeched to a halt with half of the car tilting over the bridge.
Levy removed his trembling hand from his forehead, saw how close he had
come to disaster and exclaimed with conviction, 'baruch ha’shem'".
(#689) The lottery winner
Moshe just couldn’t believe it - he had
won a top prize in the lottery. He just had to tell his best friend.
Maurice congratulated Moshe and asked
how he had picked his six numbers.
“I chose my age and the ages of my wife
and 3 children,” replied Moshe.
“But that’s only 5 numbers,” said Maurice.
”What about the sixth number?”
“Well, it was a miracle,” replied Moshe.
“Six sevens appeared to me in a dream and danced before my very eyes. Six
times seven is 49 and so I chose 49.”
“Hey, wait a minute,” said Maurice, “six
times seven is 42 not 49.”
“Huh? . . . All right, so you be the mathematical
genius.”
(#690) The separation
Shlomo and Hette had been living apart
for a number of weeks and decided to visit their Rabbi to see whether he
could help solve their problems and save their marriage. Following some
lengthy counselling with the Rabbi they made a brief attempt to reconcile
their differences, but in the end they failed. They quickly decided to
end their union.
In court to finalize their separation,
the judge asks Shlomo, "So tell me, what has brought you to the point where
you are unable to keep your marriage going?"
Shlomo replies, "In the seven weeks we've
been back together, your honour, we just haven't been able to agree on
one little thing."
Hette interrupts, "He means eight weeks,
your honour!"
(#691) The difficult question
One day, Benjy comes home from school,
goes straight to his father and asks, "What is fornication, Dad?"
And he gets the answer all Jewish fathers
give - "Why don’t you ask your mother, son?"
So Benjy goes into the kitchen and asks
his mother, "What is fornication, Mum? Dad said you would know."
His mother replies, "I’m busy right now,
Benjy, why don’t you go and ask your Bubbe, she will tell you."
So Benjy goes upstairs to his Bubbe’s
room, knocks on her door and shouts, "Please, Bubbe, what is fornication?
No one here seems to know."
Bubbe says, "Come inside tatallah,"
She then takes him to her wardrobe, opens
the door, takes out a beautiful full length pink beaded evening dress and
says, "This, tatellah, is foranoccasion."
(#692) What do they do?
Jewish Women: They carry children, they
carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and
joy. They smile when they want to scream, sing when they want to cry, cry
when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They wait by the phone
for a "I got home safely" call after a friend drives home in a storm. They
are childcare workers, executives, lawyers, and stay-at-home mums. They
fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They
walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools
and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with
a frightened friend. They are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart,
knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer
side to make a point. They want to be the best for their family, their
friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have
sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think
there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to
show how much they care about you. The heart of a Jewish woman is what
makes the world spin! They do more than just give birth. They bring joy
and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their
family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you
to do the same to people you come in contact with.
Jewish Men: They are good at lifting heavy
stuff and killing bugs.
(#693) The two Rabbis
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy always greeted
each other at shul by saying, "Good Shabbos" to each other. One shabbos,
Rabbi Bloom, the younger of the two, asked Rabbi Levy, "What by you is
a good shabbos?"
Rabbi Levy replied, "By me, a good shabbos
is when I wake up, have a good
breakfast, go to shul, the bar mitzvah
boy does a good job, my sermon
goes down well, we have a kiddush, I have
a whisky, go home to lunch,
have a little sleep, a little studying,
and then say Havdalah. That to me is a good
shabbos. And what is a good shabbos by
you?"
Rabbi Bloom replies, "By me a good shabbos
is when I wake up, turn around and my wife and I make mad passionate love.
Get up, shower, get dressed, have breakfast, snuggle a bit with my wife,
walk to shul, do all the things you
mentioned in shul, and come home. My wife
and I make mad passionate love, have lunch, go out for a walk hand in hand,
come home, go to bed and make mad passionate love once more. Then I make
Havdalah. And that by me is a good shabbos."
"That," says Rabbi Levy, "is not a good
shabbos. That is a GREAT
shabbos."
(#694) Come up and see me sometime
Jacob had just returned to Kiev after
visiting London. As soon as he got home, he wrote the following letter
to a friend he had met in London just before he left.
“It was so nice to meet with you. If you
are ever in Kiev, please come and visit me, I would be glad to see you
again. It’s easy to find me. Go to the main street in Kiev and start walking
straight from its beginning at the Station. Take the third turning on the
right and continue down this road until you come to the Kiev Flats. Go
through the archway and you'll find yourself in a big courtyard surrounded
by apartment buildings.
Then shout out as loud as you can, "Rabbinowitz."
You'll immediately see faces looking at
you from all the apartment windows in the courtyard except one! This is
my window, because my name is Rosen."
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