Jokes 34 Set

NEWS FLASH
End of Marks & Spencer?
[This is a true story, honest!]
You’ve heard the joke about the Jewish
mothers who want to be buried at Brent Cross Shopping Centre – so they
can be sure that their daughters will regularly visit them.  Well,
these mothers had better start thinking again about where they want to
be buried because scientists have now discovered a drug to combat the Jewish
vice of shopaholicism. The drug is called Citalopram and trialists who
took it found that their shopping impulses were reduced by at least 50%
-  whether they were shopping in malls or via the internet or via
TV shopping channels. The drug is normally used to treat depression.
END OF NEWS FLASH
 
 
(#775) I understood!
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street
looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, "So they
have no more beef... And no more lamb... And they don’t even have any pork...
or chicken... or sausage. In fact they have no meat at all. Nor do they
have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour or …..."
Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak
hisses in his ear, "Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti-Soviet
propaganda or I'll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you
understood me?"
"Yes, I understood, I understood you,
comrade," replies Yitzhak and he walks away as fast as he can.
When Yitzhak arrives back at his house,
he says to his wife, "Leah, I really understood. They don't have any bullets
either!"
(#776) Dying wish
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Old Chaim is dying. His entire mishpocha
is sitting around his bed, subdued and not knowing what else they can do.
They ask him, “Chaim, maybe we can fulfil
your last wish?”
“Yes... I'd like ... a cup of tea ...
with two teaspoons ... of sugar.”
“Why?” they ask him.
“I’ve had a long life... and all of that
time... when I drank tea in my own house... I used one spoon of sugar...
When I had tea... in someone else's house... I put three spoons of sugar
in my cup... But really... really... all my life... I loved tea... with
two spoonfuls of sugar.”
(#777) Naked
[My thanks to BMS for the
following joke]
Shlomo is standing in his house near an
open window. He is obviously wearing nothing but a tie around his neck.
Jacob is walking past the house, sees
Shlomo and asks, “Why are you standing there all naked?”
“Why can't I be naked?” replies Shlomo,
“this is mine house. There is no one else here.”
“But why are you wearing a tie?” asks
Jacob.
“Well,” replies Shlomo, “what if someone
drops in to visit me?”
(#778) Business is business
[My thanks to Uriah Y for
the following joke]
Moshe was fed up with the life in Mokum
(Amsterdam's Jewish name) so he decided to resettle in a new place. He
moved to northern Brabant (an area without Jews and the heart of the Roman
Catholic part of Holland).  He started a small bazaar and sold everything
and at an extremely low price. As he wanted to become one of the hevre,
he went to the local church every Sunday just to hear the sermons but without
getting geshmad/converted.
The local shop owners soon got fed up
with Moshe and decided to ask the priest for his assistance. The priest
listened to their story and asked them to return the next day.
When they returned, the priest told them
of his solution. They were then asked to contribute 100 guilders to the
roof building fund of the church.
Next Sunday, Moshe as usual was sitting
in the front of the church near the pulpit to listen to the sermon. Suddenly
in the middle of the sermon the priest looked straight at Moshe and said,
“I want all Jews to leave this church.”
Moshe wasn’t sure he heard it correctly
so he stayed seated. The priest repeated, “I want all Jews to leave this
church.”
Moshe stood up, went over to the cross,
took Jesus off and said, “Let's go. We’re not wanted here!”
(#779) Alternative Jewish Jokes
[My thanks to Deborah E
for the following joke]
All we ever hear are "Jewish" jokes and
sometimes they grow tiresome. So here are some Gentile jokes.
1. A Gentile goes into a men’s clothes
shop and says, "This is a very fine jacket. How much is it?"
The salesman says, "It's £900."
The Gentile says, "OK, I'll take it."
2. Two Gentiles meet on the street. The
first one says, "You own your own business, don't you? How's it going?"
The other Gentile says, "Just great! Thanks
for asking!"
3. Two Gentile mothers meet on the street
and start talking about children.
Gentile mother 1 (said with pride): "My
son is a construction worker!"
Gentile mother 2 (said with more pride):
"My son is a truck driver!"
4. A man calls his mother and says, "Mum,
I know you're expecting me for dinner tonight, but something important
has come up and I can't make it."
His mother says, "OK."
5. A Gentile couple goes to a nice restaurant.
The man says, "I'll have the steak and a baked potato and my wife will
have the Julienne salad with house dressing. And we'll both have coffee."
The waiter says, "How would you like your
steak and salad prepared?"
The man says, "I'd like the steak medium.
The salad is fine as is."
The waiter says, "Thank you."
6. A Gentile calls his elderly mother and
asks, " Mum, how are you feeling? Do you need anything?"
She says, "I feel fine, and I don't need
anything. Thanks for calling."
7. A Gentile woman meets an old Gentile
friend. The friend asks, "How is your son getting along?"
The Gentile woman says, "He's just fine.
He just turned 35."
"And where does he live?" asks the friend.
"He lives at home with me. I don't think
he'll ever get married."
The friend says, "How nice."
(#780) The new gorilla
[My thanks to Roberto H
for the following joke]
Daniel is a Jewish actor who’s so down
and out that he's ready to accept any acting part that comes along. One
day he sees an advert in the Jewish Chronicle, ACTOR NEEDED TO PLAY A GORILLA.
I could do that," says Daniel and he arranges
an interview.
The employer turns out to be the local
zoo who have spent so much renovating the grounds and improving the habitat
that they can’t afford the gorilla they need. Until they can get more funding,
they’ve decided to use an actor in a gorilla suit. Needing the money, Daniel
takes the job.
At first, he feels not only dishonest
by fooling the customers but also undignified in the ape suit, stared at
by crowds who watch his every move. But after a few days on the job, he
begins to be amused by all the attention and starts to put on a show for
the spectators - hanging upside-down from the branches, swinging on vines,
climbing up cage walls and roaring whilst beating his chest. Soon, Daniel
is drawing a sizable crowd.
One day, when Daniel is swinging on a
vine to show off to some children, his hand slips and he goes flying over
the wall into the lion's den.  Terrified, Daniel backs up as far as
he can from the approaching lion, covers his eyes with his paws and starts
to pray aloud, "Shma Yisrael Ado-nai Elokeinu Ado-nai Echad." (Hear O Israel,
the Lord our God, the Lord is one).
The lion opens its powerful jaws and roars,
"Baruch shem k'vod malchuto l'olam va'ed." (Blessed is the name of His
glorious kingship forever and ever).
"Shut up you two schmucks," mutters a
panda from a third cage. "You'll get us all fired."
(#781) The brave Rabbi
One early winter morning, Rabbi Bloom
was walking beside the canal when he saw a dog in the water trying hard
to stay afloat. It looked so sad and exhausted that Rabbi Bloom jumped
in and after a struggle managed to bring it out alive.
A passer by saw this and said, “That was
very brave of you. Are you a vet?”
Rabbi Bloom replied, “Of course I’m a
vet? I’m a freezing cold as well.”
(#782) The painless invention
The time had arrived for Moshe to take
his Leah to hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer
a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. He asked if they were
willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour.
The doctor set the pain transfer dial
to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than
Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, Moshe
felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. Moshe was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since
it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor
to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually
no pain.
Leah and Moshe were ecstatic. When they
got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.
(#783) Follow me
Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs
past the synagogue one Saturday morning.
Arnold says, "Lets go in. I hear they
have really nice chopped liver at the kiddish on Shabbat."
Abe says, "they will never let us in with
the dogs."
"Just follow my lead," says Arnold and
goes into the synagogue.
As he thought, the shammas tells him,
"No dogs are allowed."
Arnold says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "Sorry, I didn’t know.
Ok, you can go in."
Abe follows.
Again the shammas says, "no dogs are allowed."
Abe says, "But it's my seeing-eye dog."
The shammas says, "This is your seeing
eye dog? A chihuahua!"
Abe looks startled and says, "is that
what they gave me?"
(#784) The thoughtful son
Sidney passes by a pet shop in Oxford
Street and notices a parrot in the window selling for £1,000. He
goes inside and asks why it costs so much. The salesman tells him the parrot
speaks five languages.
"Five languages!" exclaims Sidney. "Does
it speak Yiddish?"
"Sure it does," says the salesman.
As his mother lives by herself in Golders
Green, Sidney decides to send her the parrot as a present - it'll keep
her company. So he pays the £1,000 and arranges for the shop to deliver
the parrot to his mother.
The next day he phones his mother. "Mum,
Did you like the parrot I bought you?"
"Mmm, it was delicious!" she says.
"What do you mean delicious?"
"I made soup out of it, it came out great!"
"But mum, the parrot wasn’t for eating.
It spoke five languages including Yiddish."
"So why didn't it say anything?"
(#785) The old man and the priest
Abe, an elderly gentleman, was sitting
on a bench in Brent Cross Shopping Centre when a priest sat down next to
him. Because he had never had a chance to talk to a priest before, Abe
asked, "Excuse me, but vhy do you hev your shoyt collar on beckvurds?"
The priest replied, "I wear this collar
because I am a Father."
Abe said, "I am also a fadder but I vare
mine collar frontvays. So nu, vhy do you vare your collar differently?"
The priest replied, "Because I’m the Father
for many."
"I am also the fadder for many," said
Abe. "I have five sons, three daughters and many grandchildren, kinahora,
but I still vare my collar like normal. So vhy do you vare it yore vay?"
The priest was getting a bit fed up with
this questioning and replied, "Because I am the Father for over two hundred
people."
Abe was taken aback and was silent for
a while. Then, as he got up to leave, Abe said to the priest, "Mister,
maybe you should vare your pents beckvurds instead."
(#786) The threesome
A priest, a minister, and a Rabbi are
playing a round of golf but are having to play very slowly because there
is a foursome ahead of them. At long last they complete their round and
each of them tramps back to the clubhouse to complain to the golf pro.
The pro tells the priest, "They're blind
- that’s why they were slow."
The priest replies, "That's very inspiring.
I'm so impressed that I’m going to collect some money for them by organizing
a blind golfer's tournament."
The pro then tells the minister, "They're
blind - that’s why they were slow."
The minister replies, "That's so uplifting
that I'm going to use them as my theme for next Sunday's sermon."
The pro then tells the Rabbi, "They're
blind - that’s why they were slow."
The Rabbi replies, "If that’s so, then
why can't they play in the dark?"
(#787) The clairvoyant
Rifka is 80 years old. She is sitting
at home one evening when the phone rings.
"Hello," says Rifka.
"Hello," says a man’s voice at the other
end. "I bet you'd really love it if I came round to your house, took off
your blouse, ripped off your bra and panties, then threw you to the floor
and made mad, passionate love to you."
Rifka replies, "From one 'hello' you can
tell all this?"
(#788) A new diet
Issy is on another of his weight reduction
diets and goes to see his doctor with a hamishe cucumber up his nose, a
bagel shoved in his right ear and a wine glass sticking out of his left
ear.
Issy says, "Doctor, I'm not feeling very
well."
The doctor replied, "It’s no wonder -
you're not eating right."
(#789) The missing kippah
Abe asked his eldest son to say the motzi
(blessing over bread). His son realized that he didn't have his head covered,
so he asked his little brother to put a hand on his head until he finished
the blessing. But after a few minutes, the younger son grew impatient and
took off his hand.
Abe said, "What are you doing? Put your
hand back on your brother's head."
The younger son replied, "Am I my brother's
kippah?"
(#790) The tailor
Isaac was out shopping in Golders Green
when he sees a sign in a window saying, ‘JACOB’S CUSTOM MADE CLOTHING’.
He’s not sure whether to go in – it looks an expensive shop. But Jacob,
the owner, sees him hesitating and quickly invites him in.
"What are you looking for?"
"A suit."
"Good," said Jacob, "you’ve come to the
right place. When we make a suit here, you’ll be surprised at how we go
about it. First, digital cameras take pictures of your every muscle and
we download the pictures to a special computer to build up your image.
Then we cultivate sheep in Australia to get the very best cloth. For the
silk lining, we contact Japan for their silkworms, and we ask Japanese
deep-sea divers to get the pearl buttons.
"B-b-bbut," said Isaac, "I need the suit
for a Barmitzvah."
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
"…You’ll have it."
(#791) The business
Maurice is a successful owner of a kosher
meat-processing factory. His dream is that Louis, his only son, who is
a bit dim-witted, will eventually take over the business.
One day Maurice shows Louis around the
slaughterhouse. "Look son," says Maurice, proudly pointing to one of the
many pieces of advanced machinery on show, "You see that machine? You put
one whole ox into the front end and out the back come some little weenies.
Great piece of British ingenuity, isn’t it?"
He then looks to Louis for some kind of
positive reaction but Louis just stares and says, "Uh, duh. . . do you
have a machine where you put in a weenie and out comes an ox?"
Surprised, Maurice replies, "There is
a machine like that - your mother."
(#792) Locked out
As we have all done at some time, Moishe
locks himself out of his car on a hot summer day. But he manages to find
a wire coat hanger in a nearby dustbin and goes back to his car to try
to open the lock. As soon as he shoves the wire through the slightly open
window, his wife Sadie starts telling him what to do.
"Moishe, move it more to the right...now
more to the left…Higher! Lower!"
Finally, Sadie says, "What's taking you
so long, Moishe?"
Moishe replies, "Sadie, it's easy for
you to say, sitting inside an air conditioned car!"
(#793) Hell no
Benny from Haifa passed away and was sent
‘below’. He was amazed, however, to discover lush vegetation, running streams,
waterfalls and beautiful lakes everywhere. Everyone seemed happy.
“You look surprised,” said a resident.
“Yes, I am,” replied Benny, “I expected
hell to be very dry and exceedingly hot. Like a desert. But all I can see
are trees full of all kinds of fruit, beautiful flowers, lots of vegetables,
lush grass and water everywhere. This is not hell”
“Well,” said the resident, “it used to
be like you thought, but then the Israelis started to arrive and they irrigated
the hell out of the place!”
(#794) Two by two
Jacob says to his doctor, "Doctor, my
wife needs an appendix operation."
His doctor says, "But I took out your
wife’s appendix only a year ago. I’ve never heard of a second appendix?"
Jacob replies, "Maybe doctor, but have
you ever heard of a second wife?"
 
go to thirtyfifth
set