Jokes 07 Set

(#194) The dinner date
Shlomo and Yetta were getting ready to
go out to dinner.
Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says
to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I
put on the Gucci outfit?”
“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.
Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear
my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”
“Who gives a damn?” says Shlomo.
Yetta then says to Shlomo “Darling, shall
I wear my 5 carat pear or my 6 carat round diamond?”
To which Shlomo responds “Hey, if you
don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird
Special!”
(#195) The convert
Abe and Shlomo are strolling down the
street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic Church. They see
a big sign posted that says: - ‘CONVERT TO CATHOLICISM AND GET £20.’
Abe stops walking and stares at the sign.
Shlomo turns to him and says, “Abe, what’s
going on?”
“Shlomo,” replies Abe, “I’m thinking of
doing it.”
Shlomo says, “What, are you crazy?”
Abe thinks for a minute and says, “Shlomo,
I’m going to do it.”
With that, Abe strides purposely into
the church and comes out 20 minutes later with his head bowed.
“So,” asks Shlomo, “did you get your £20?”
Abe looks up at him and says, “Is that
all you people think of?”
(#196) The tourist
A Swiss tourist in Tel Aviv is looking
for directions and pulls up at a bus stop where two Israelis are waiting.
Entschuldigung Sie Bitte, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?” he says.
The two Israelis just stare at him.
“Excusey-moi, parlez vous Francais?”
The two continue to stare.
“Parlare Italiano?”
No response.
“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”
Still nothing.
The Swiss tourist drives off, extremely
disgusted and frustrated. The first Israeli turns to his friend and says,
“You know, maybe we should learn a foreign language…”
“Why?” says his friend, “that bloke knew
four languages and that didn’t do him any good!”
(#197) Differences between Jewish Men
and Women.
• Women have more imagination than men.
They need it to tell men how wonderful they are.
• Women have a number of faults. Men have
only two - everything they say and everything they do.
• A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such
a man.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they
went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• When women are depressed they either
eat or go shopping. When men are depressed, they invade another country.
• A man is a person who will pay £2
for a £1 item he wants. A woman, however, will pay £1 for a
£2 item that she doesn't want.
• Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs
are a man's best friend. Now you know which sex is smarter.
• It's not true that men prefer foolish
women. Rather they prefer women who can pretend to be foolish whenever
necessary, which is the very core of intelligence.
• Men always want to be a woman's first
love. Women have a more subtle instinct: What they like is to be a man's
last romance.
• To be happy with a man, a woman must
understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, a
man must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change and she does.
• Men marry because they are tired; women
marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
• A woman worries about the future until
she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
• A woman will always cherish the memory
of the man who wanted to marry her; a man will always cherish the memory
of the woman who he didn't.
• There are two times when a man doesn't
understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
• Only two things are necessary for a
man to do to keep his wife happy. One is to let her think she is having
her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
• Married men live longer than single
men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
• Any married man should forget his mistakes
– it’s no use two people remembering the same thing.
• Some husbands are living proof that
a woman can take a joke.
• Husbands are like cars: all are good
the first year.
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
• Men are like animals, but they make
great pets.
(#198) Commitment
Most men fantasise in having a relationship
with many beautiful women at the same time. For a man, commitment to a
woman means giving up his fantasy.
Most women fantasise in having a relationship
with one man who can provide economic security. For a woman, commitment
to a man means achieving her fantasy.
Conclusion:  commitment means
that a woman achieves her fantasy, while a man gives his up.
(#199) The Saucer
Roberto is an art connoisseur and one
day notices a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer in front
of a delicatessen in Tel Aviv. He quickly realises with a shock that the
saucer was a very rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into
the store and offered £2 for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said Abe, the proprietor.
"Look," said Roberto, "that cat is dirty
and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my
offer to £10."
"It's a deal," said Abe, and pocketed
the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind
throwing in the saucer," said Roberto. "The kitten seems so happy drinking
from it."
"Nothing doing," said Abe firmly. "That's
my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 34 cats."
(#200) Competition
Shlomo, driving a Yugo in Tel Aviv, pulls
up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce, rolls down his window, and smiles
at the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. Have you got
a phone in it? I've got one in my Yugo!"
David, the driver of Rolls looks over
and says simply, "Yes, I have a phone."
"Cool!" continues Shlomo. "Have you got
a fridge in there, too? I got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
David, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I
have a refrigerator."
Shlomo goes on, "That's great! Listen,
have you got a TV in there? I got a one right next to me."
David, looking very annoyed by now, says,
"Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car
in the world!"
"Say," persists Shlomo, "Have you got
a bed in your car? I got one in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he hadn’t, David immediately
drove off straight to his dealer and demanded that a bed be installed in
the back of the car. The next morning David picked up his car, with a superb
bed in it, a bed fit for a Rolls Royce...
David immediately went searching for the
Yugo, and only late in the afternoon he found it parked, with all its windows
fogged up from the inside.
He knocked on the Yugo, and finally Shlomo
stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,"
David stated arrogantly.
"Jesus!" complained Shlomo, "You got me
out of the shower to tell me this?"
(#201) Name change
Abe was one of the best talent spotters
in the USA. One day, a young fellow walks into Abe’s office and says he
wants to break into show-biz, so Abe says "Okay kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe shuffle, sings a bit,
does an acrobatic act and is good enough to impress Abe.
"Great kid! Just great!," says Abe. "I
can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V." (This was the
early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims
"Penis Van Lesbian."
"'S’cuse me?," questions Abe.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies
the young man.
"Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have
to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van
Lesbian."
Well the young man is crestfallen but
steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to Abe.
"Hey kid! Good to see ya again" says Abe, "Are ya still looking for work?
Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man
replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis
Van Lesbian. So I've changed it".
"Great kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
(#202) Jewish Doctors
The following quotes were taken from actual
medical records from Israeli hospitals...
• Between you and me, we ought to be able
to get this lady pregnant.
• She is numb from her toes down.
• By the time he was admitted, his rapid
heart had stopped and he was feeling better.
• Patient has chest pain if she lies on
her left side for over a year.
• On the second day the knee was better
and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills,
but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
• The patient has been depressed ever
since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department
without dressing.
• I have suggested that he loosen his
pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife,
they should fall to the floor.
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
She also appears to be depressed.
• Discharge status: Alive but without
permission.
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old
male, mentally alert but forgetful.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• Patient has left his white blood cells
at another hospital.
• The patient's past medical history has
been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently
her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset
of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema
at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency
room.
• The patient had waffles for breakfast
and anorexia for lunch.
• The patient was in his usual state of
good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed.
• When she fainted, her eyes rolled around
the room.
(#203) The Lucky Frog
Abe lives in Tel Aviv. One day, he takes
the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole
when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. Abe thinks nothing of
it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron". Abe looks around
and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." And then Abe realises
that the frog is doing the talking.
He looks at the frog and decides to prove
the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He
hits it 10 inches from the hole. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow,
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit.
Lucky frog." Abe decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" Abe asks. "Ribbit.
3 wood." Abe takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. Abe is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say ..
By the end of the day, Abe has golfed
the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Abe says,
"OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, Abe
asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black
6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game,
Abe figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. Abe takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit,
Kiss Me." Abe figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he
deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room."
(#204) Men's Guide to Women
* Single women complain that all good
men are married,
* All married women complain about their
lousy husbands.
Conclusion: There is no such thing
as a good man.
(#205) THE JEWISH RULES
• The female always makes the rules.
• The rules are subject to change at any
time without prior notification.
• No male can possibly know all the rules.
• If the female suspects the male knows
all the rules, she must immediately change some or all the rules.
• The female is never wrong.
• If the female is wrong, it is due to
a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did
or said wrong.
• If the above applies, the male must
apologise immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
• An apology without flowers is not an
apology.
• The female may change her mind at any
time.
• The male must never change his mind
at any time without the expressed consent of the female.
• The male may not point out that the
woman has changed her mind.
• The female has every right to be angry
or upset at any time.
• The male must remain calm at all times,
unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female must, under no circumstances,
let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
• The female is ready when she is ready.
• The male must be ready at all times.
• If the female is PMS, all rules are
null & void.
• The male may not inquire if the woman
is angry or upset.
• The male may not inquire when the women
will be ready.
• The male may not inquire about the women's
time of the month.
• The male is expected to mind-read at
all times.
• The male must earn the respect of the
female by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her
character.
(#206) The drinker
Ben Cohen had been drinking at a pub all
night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So Ben stood
up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time;
same result. Ben figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside, Ben stood up but fell flat
on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When
he arrived at the door, Ben stood up and again fell flat on his face. He
crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
Ben tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and fell sound asleep as soon
as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife,
Yente, standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"What makes you say that?" Ben asked, putting on an innocent look.
Yente replied "The pub called -- you left
your wheelchair there again."
(#207) New Career
Moishe came home from work one day to
find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front door step with her bags packed.
Moishe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, "I'm going to
Las Vegas."
Moishe questioned her as to why she was
going, and Yvonne told him "I just found out that I can make £1,000
a night doing what I give you for free." Moishe pondered that for a while,
went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and
his wife.
Yvonne said, "And just where do you think
you are going?"
Moishe replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" She asked.
Moishe said, "I want to see how you are
going to live on £1,000 a year."
(#208) The school play
Yossi comes home from school and tells
his mother he has been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says
the mother, "What part is it?" Yossi says "I play the part of the Jewish
husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you
want a speaking part!!"
(#209) Riddles
Q: Why is it so important for the groom
at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it's probably the last time
he'll put his foot down.
Q: What do you call a Jewish man who's
lost 80% of his brain?
A: A widower!
(#210) The Jewish husband
Moishe is talking to one of his friends.
“My wife Bettie will never have to work.
All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”
His friend said “That’s nice to hear,
I am sure she appreciates you”.
“Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moishe. 
“Bettie thinks I’m too nosy. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary,
anyway.”
(#211) Jewish Marriage advice
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They
may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too, but who cares?”
go to eighth set