Jokes 54 Set

(#1175) The order
Moshe’s business was struggling. So he
was very dismayed to receive this letter from his supplier
Dear Moshe, We regret that we won’t be
able to fill your recent order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits until full
payment has been received for your last order. Please advise.
Moshe wrote back
Dear supplier, Please cancel my recent
order for 3,000 men’s dark brown suits. I cannot wait that long.
(#1176) Kreplachaphobia
Miriam had a problem with her young son
Ben - he went into a total panic every time she served up the family’s
favourite dish of kreplach.  Every effort she and her husband made
to explain to Ben how nice kreplach tasted failed miserably. So she took
Ben to see doctor Lewis, an eminent psychiatrist.
Doctor Lewis listened to the problem,
then said, "I think this situation is easy to resolve. All you have done
so far is talk – you’ve told Ben how nice kreplach are but you haven’t
yet shown him how nice they are. So take him home and let him watch you
prepare the kreplach. First of all, let him see the ingredients that go
inside a kreplach. Then show him how a kreplach is made. Once he sees there’s
nothing to be scared of, he will grow to like them."
When they returned home, Miriam followed
doctor Lewis’s advice. She took Ben into her kitchen and sat him down to
watch her prepare a kreplach. She put in front of him a small mound of
dough and a plate of chopped meat she had prepared earlier. "See Ben,"
she said, "is there anything here to be worried about?"
"No mum," smiled Ben.
Miriam then put some minced meat in the
centre of the dough and folded over one corner. She looked at Ben and saw
he was still smiling. ‘Maybe this will actually work,’ she thought.
She folded over the second corner (Ben
was still smiling) and then the third. All was going better than she had
dared hope. Then she folded over the last corner – and immediately Ben
started to get into a state and shouted, "Oy veh, kreplach."
(#1177) Clever signs


Over a gynaecologist’s office - "Dr. Levy,
at your cervix."


On Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "I repair
what your husband fixed."


Also on Yitzhak the plumber's truck - "Don't
sleep with a drip. Call me."


On Cohen’s Pizza shop - "7 days without pizza
makes one weak."


Also on Cohen’s Pizza shop - "Buy my pizza.
I knead the dough."


In Moshe the plastic surgeon's office - "Hello.
Can I pick your nose?"


On Hyman the electrician's truck - "Let me
remove your shorts."


On a maternity room door at a Jewish hospital
- "Push. Push. Push."


At Benny the optometrist's office - "If you
don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


In Abe the podiatrist's office - "Time wounds
all heels."


In Shlomo the veterinarian's waiting room
- "Back in 5mins. Sit! Stay!"


In Issy’s restaurant window - "Don't stand
there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of Isaac’s funeral home
- "Drive carefully. I'll wait."


On Benjy’s radiator shop - "Best place in
town to take a leak."

(#1178) This is what happens when Yitzhak
decides to do a barbecue


His wife Hannah goes to the store to buy the
food.


Hannah makes the salad, vegetables and dessert.


Hannah prepares the meat for cooking, places
it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to
Yitzhak who is lounging beside the grill.


Yitzhak places the meat on the grill.


Hannah goes inside and sets the table and
checks the vegetables.


Hannah comes out to tell Yitzhak that the
meat is burning.


Yitzhak takes the meat off the grill and hands
it to Hannah.


Hannah prepares the plates and brings them
to the table.


After eating Hannah clears the table and does
the dishes.


Yitzhak asks Hannah how she enjoyed her "night
off." Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no
pleasing some women.

(#1179) The miracle baby
Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained
unmarried, yet she desperately wanted a baby of her own. So with the help
of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has
her miracle baby.
When she gets home, all her friends and
relatives come to see her and meet the newest member of her family.
But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie
says, "not yet."
A little later they again ask to see the
baby and again Sadie says, "not yet."
Finally they ask, "So when can we see
the baby?"
Sadie replies, "When the baby cries."
"Why do we have to wait until the baby
cries?" they say.
Sadie replies, "Because I forgot where
I put it."
(#1180) Keep your eyes open
One day, Moshe is walking past the wooden
fence at the side of the local Mental Care Home for Jewish People when
he hears the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Moshe is quite a curious kind of man and
wonders, "Is there a barmitzvah or batmitzvah going on inside?" So he searches
for a suitable hole in the fence and then he looks in. Immediately, someone
inside the fence pokes him in the eye with their finger.
Then the chanting begins again, "Fourteen!
Fourteen! Fourteen!"
(#1181) Children writing to God


Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?


Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed
right in the synagogue. Is that OK?


Dear God, Thank you for my baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy.


Dear God, It rained during our holiday and
my father is mad. He said some things about you that people are not supposed
to say, but I hope you will not hurt him.


Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked
for anything before. You can look it up.


Dear God, If we come back as something, please
don't let me be Rebecca Levine because I hate her.


Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even
when I'm not praying.


Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to
love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family
and I can never do it.


Dear God, My brothers told me about being
born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?


Dear God, I don't think anybody could be a
better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this
because you are God already.


Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.


Dear God, Who draws the lines around the countries?


Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy
when I grow up but not with so much hair all over.


Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to
look like that or was it an accident?


Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light.
But in Hebrew school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your
idea.

(#1182) The results
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for
a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel
aside and says, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel,
"but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."
(#1183) Easier said than done
Moshe goes to Heathrow Airport to fly
to New York. While he is waiting for his flight, he notices a lady sitting
nearby crying. So he goes over and asks her if anything was wrong.
She says, "My son John moved to New York
some months ago and I haven't heard from him since. I’m so worried. Even
though we’re Jewish, he’s never called or written to me. So I come here
from time to time because he left from this airport and I feel closer to
him here than anywhere else."
As they talk, the lady asks, "Would you
by any chance be going to New York?"
Moshe replies, "Well, as a matter of fact
I am."
She says, "Oh would you please find my
son and ask him to call me? His name is John Dun, spelled with one N."
Moshe replies, "I don't think it’s possible
to find one man in New York."
She says, "Oh, please try. It would mean
so much to me. I miss him so very much."
After much pleading, Moshe finally agrees
to do his best.
All the way to New York, he wonders, "How
can I ever find her son?" When the plane lands, he takes a cab to his hotel.
As the cab nears his hotel, Moshe sees on the side of one of the sky scrapers
‘DUN AND BRADSTREET’ so he says to himself, "This might be easier than
I thought."
Later that day, after unpacking, he goes
into the D&B building, walks up to the receptionist and asks, "Do you
have a John here?"
She replies, "Yes. Down this hall to the
right and it’s the third door on the left."
He thanks her and goes looking for the
door she pointed out. He finds it and goes in. Just as he walks into the
room, there is a man there, drying his hands. Moshe says to him, "Are you
Dun?"
The man replies, "Yes."
Moshe says, "Call your mother."
(#1184) Don’t be so cheap
A man dies and his 3 best friends, Shlomo,
Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.
Patrick says, "He was such a good friend
to me that I don’t want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws
£200 in £20 notes into the coffin.
Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that,"
and he also throws £200 in notes into the coffin.
Shlomo says, "What cheap-skates you both
are. I’m ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him £1,000."
Shlomo then writes out a cheque for £1,400,
throws it in and takes the £400 in change out of the coffin.
(#1185) Visit to a hotel
Sadie was a very successful businesswoman
and loved all the nice things in life money brought her. One day, she decided
that she and her husband Moshe would spend a week’s holiday at the Gelt
Plaza, a 6-star hotel in Bournmouth and she decided to drive there in her
new top-of-the range Aston Martin saloon.
2 hours later, she was pleased to see
the looks of awe on the faces of the staff as she pulled up outside the
hotel’s front door. Three porters went up to greet her as she stepped out
of the car. She immediately said to one of them, in a commanding voice,
“Carry my luggage into the hotel, my good man.”  Then she said to
the two other porters, “And could you two please carry my husband into
the hotel.”
They were surprised by this request but
nevertheless did what was asked, carried Moshe into the lobby and placed
him in an armchair by reception.
Then the hotel manager, who had seen all
of this, came over to Sadie and said, “Mrs Bloom, welcome to our hotel.
I’m sorry to see that your husband is too ill even to walk.”
“What do you mean he can’t walk?” replied
Sadie. “Of course he can walk. But thank God I’m now wealthy enough where
my Moshe doesn’t have to walk.”
(#1186) Jewish saying
If you marry for money, you’ll suffer
– but you’ll suffer in comfort!
(#1187) The famous writer
Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes
to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium.  When he gets to his seat,
he looks around and is very impressed with the architecture and the acoustics.
After the concert is over, Benny asks
one of the officials, "I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium
is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?"
"No," replies the official, "It’s named
after Harry Minkovsky, the writer."
"I’ve never heard of him," says Benny,
"what did he write?"
"A cheque," replies the official.
(#1188) Reconciliation
[My thanks to Hilary for the following]
Abe was very fussy with his money and
always, regular as clockwork, went through his wife Sadie’s chequebook
each month to see where their money was going. He always wanted to see
everything balance to the exact penny. This month, as in previous months,
Sadie’s figures are hard to reconcile and tired of having to spend so much
time on her inaccuracies, Abe makes her agree to spend some time putting
her figures into shape before he devotes any more time on them.
After spending hours poring over her paperwork,
Sadie looks up and says, "Well, Abe, you should be proud of me. I've done
it – I’ve made it balance."
So Abe goes over to take a look. "OK,
let's see what you’ve done."
On her worksheet he sees a long list of
items starting with Mortgage £1,550.00; Electricity £70.50;
Gas £150.75; Telephones £350.22; Private Medical Insurance
£5,900.50; Kosher butcher £350.99; and ending with ESP £109.01.
Puzzled by the last entry, Abe says, "What on earth is ESP, Sadie?"
"That’s easy," replies Sadie, "It stands
for, Error Some Place!"
(#1189) Helping out
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Sidney was never known to help out with
any of the household chores, but after a serious argument with his wife
Hannah on this subject, he agrees to try to get more involved. The next
day, Hannah is shocked - Sidney has decided to wash his favourite sweatshirt!
She watches him put his sweatshirt into
the washing machine and then just stand there with a puzzled look on his
face. After a few minutes, he turns to Hannah and says, "OK, I give in.
So what setting do I use for washing a red, long sleeved, 90% cotton, 10%
polyester sweatshirt?"
"It all depends," replies Hannah. "What
does it say on your sweatshirt?"
"Yeshiva University," he replies.
(#1190) Jewish Movies you may have missed
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]


GONIF WITH THE WIND: A thief is caught hiding.
Noisy flatulence gives him away.


THE PUTZMAN RINGS TWICE: A Mohel murder mystery.


THE GOOD, THE CHABAD, AND THE UGLY: A kosher
noodle western.


MOBY DRECK: Captain Ahab harpoons the wrong
end of the whale.


THE CINCINNATI YID: Steve McQueen uses his
poker winnings to start a reform congregation.


THE SEDER HOUSE RULES: Bubbeh lays down the
law on Pesach.


BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KIBBITZER:
Paul Newman and Robert Redford do standup shtick while they rob their victims.


BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER KVETCH: The extras complain
that whistling the theme song dries out their mouths and hurts their lips.


THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LATKE: An overdone
potato pancake turns into a monster.


THE MATZO CANDIDATE: Frank Sinatra is brainwashed
into thinking that it's always Passover.


DRIEDELS OF THE LOST ARK: Harrison Ford plays
Chanukah games.


ALEPH DOESN'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE: Neither the
waitress nor the old Hebrew school can be found.


THE SIX CENTS: Three Jews each put in their
two-cents worth.


DREYDEL WILL ROCK: Chanukah toy comes alive.


GOYS DON'T CRY: Rabbi explains why only Jews
observe Yom Kippur.


STUART LADLE: Mouse makes chicken soup for
Shabbes.


THE GREEN MOYEL: Young man performs first
circumcision.


GOY STORY II: Jewish man divorces shiksa,
marries another.

(#1191) The herring seller
[My thanks to Yvonne B for
the following]
Daniel is walking down Golders Green High
Road when he sees in the distance his old friend Victor sitting outside
Bank Leumi. Daniel hasn’t seen Victor for many years and so is looking
forward to meeting him again. As Daniel comes up to Victor, he is surprised
to see that Victor is not just sitting there doing nothing – he’s actually
selling shmaltz herrings from a barrel - and he appears to be doing good
business. Daniel goes up to Victor and within seconds they are both hugging
each other.
Daniel asks, "So how are you getting on
in London, Victor?"
"I’m OK," replies Victor, "I’m making
a living."
"Well then," says Daniel, "maybe you could
lend me £20. I’m not doing so well these days."
"I’m sorry," replies Victor, "I just can’t
do that. It’s not allowed."
"What do you mean it’s not allowed?" asks
Daniel.
"Well, in order to get Bank Leumi to allow
me this pitch outside their bank, I made a deal with them. They promised
not to sell shmaltz herring and I promised not to lend money."
(#1192) The rabbi and the bear
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Rabbi Bloom from London is visiting two
friends in America. One is a priest and the other a Pentecostal preacher.
As soon as they meet up, they start to talk shop. Their discussion centres
on whether preaching to people is really that hard. They quickly agree
that a real challenge would be to preach to a bear and they decide to experiment.
Each would go into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to
discuss the experience. Father Carroll, who has his arm in a sling and
is on crutches, speaks first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods,
found a bear and began to read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Unfortunately,
the bear wanted nothing to do with me and begun to slap me about. I quickly
grabbed my holy water and, the saints be praised, he became very subdued.
My bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He is
in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. "Well, brothers, you
know that we don't sprinkle – we dunk. I found a bear and began to read
to him from God's Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. Up and down the hills we
wrestled until we come to a creek where I quickly dunked and baptised him.
He immediately became very subdued and we spent three days in fellowship,
praising God's Holy word."
They both then look down at Rabbi Bloom
who is lying in a hospital bed, is wearing a full body cast, is in traction
and has IVs and monitors running in and out of his torn body. Rabbi Bloom
looks up at his two friends and says, "When I found a bear, I found preaching
to him very easy. But Oy Vay, did he get touchy about the circumcision!"
(#1193) Alternating light and darkness
[My thanks to ML for the
following]
God is talking to one of his angels. He
says, "Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24hour
period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?"
The angel says, "Yes, but what will you
do now?"
God says, "I think I’ll call it a day."
(#1194) The hoax
Sadie sent the following email to all
her women friends.
"Dear All,   I hate hoax warnings,
but this one is important!   Please send this warning to all
the women friends in your email address book: -
If a man comes to your front door saying
he is conducting a survey and asks you to take off your clothes, don’t
do it. It’s a scam. He only wants to see you naked.
PS I wish I had got this yesterday. I
feel so stupid and cheap now.
go to fifty-fifth
set