Jokes 41 Set

(#915) What’s ethics?
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Issy was the proud co-owner of the local
dry cleaners. One day, during dinner, whilst he was finishing his chicken
soup, his 9year old son Sam asked, "Dad, what’s ethics?"
Issy thought for a while, put down his
spoon, looked at Sam and replied, "Okay, let's suppose someone comes into
my shop and gives me his business suit to dry clean.  Then suppose
I find a £20 note in his trouser pocket?"
Sam looked expectantly at his father.
"So," Issy said, "to answer your question,
Sam, do I tell my partner I found the money?  That's ethics".
(#916) The new solicitors
[My thanks to Jean Reed
for the following joke]
Two solicitors, Levy and Cohen, opened
an office in Kilburn. As this was a gentile part of London, they decided
to call their firm Christian and Christian in order to attract non-Jewish
clients.  But on their opening day, they forgot to tell their switchboard
operator what to say. When anyone phoned in and asked for Mr Christian,
she answered, "Which Christian do you want, Levy or Cohen?"
(#917) The poor tailor
[My thanks to Ronda Hegeman for the following
joke]
Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next
door a 2star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his
black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He
would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's
kitchen.
One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice.
Abe went to see the manager to ask why.
The manager replied, "You’re enjoying
my food, so you should pay for it."
Abe refused to pay and the restaurant
sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their
side of the story.
They said, "Every day, this man comes
and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his.
We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed
for it."
The judge then asked Abe, "And what do
you have to say about that?"
Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in
his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.
The judge asked him, "What’s the meaning
of that?"
Abe replied, "I am paying for the smell
of his food with the sound of my money."
(#918) Shame on you
[My thanks to Stan Cohen
for the following joke]
It’s 3am in the morning in Golders Green
and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door.
Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the
pouring rain.
"Can I have a push?" says the drunk.
"No you can’t," says Maurice, "it’s three
o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children."
Maurice shuts the door and goes back to
bed.
"Who was that?" asks Golda.
"Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,"
Maurice replies.
"So did you help him?" Golda asks.
"No I didn’t. It’s 3am and it’s pouring
with rain," replies Maurice.
Golda says, "Shame on you, Maurice. Have
you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago in Bournemouth
and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside."
So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told.
He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, "Hello,
are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" Maurice shouts.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the
dark.
"So where are you?" asks Maurice.
"Over here on the swing," replies the
drunk.
(#919) Door lock
Issy drives his friend Hyman to the shops
in Golders Green. As they get out of the car, Issy locks the doors in such
a hurry that he forgets to remove the ignition key first.
"Oy vay," says Issy.
"Why don't we get a coat hanger to open
the door," says Hyman.
"No, I don’t think that’ll work," replies
Issy, "because passers-by will think we're breaking into the car."
"OK," suggests Hyman. We can use a penknife
to cut the rubber seal around the driver’s door, then I can stick in a
finger and pull out the key."
"No, absolutely not." replies Issy. "Passers-by
will think we're stupid for not using a coat hanger,."
"OK," says Hyman, "you’d better think
of something else and quick. It's starting to rain and your sun roof’s
still open."
(#920) Thanks for nothing
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided
to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that
the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns
and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I
don't want the eggs."
"OK," said the waitress, but I will then
have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asked Shlomo, "it doesn’t make
sense.
"Because you will then in effect be ordering
a la carte," the waitress replied.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not
taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.
"Yes, " replied the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special," says
Sadie.
"How do you want your eggs done?" asked
the waitress.
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.
At the end of the meal, Sadie took the
two eggs home.
(#921) What’s the time, than?
Yitzhak had just moved into a new flat
in Hendon and was out celebrating with his friend Benny. At 2am, he invited
Benny back to his flat where they continued to celebrate.
Then Benny said, "Before I go, why not
show me around?"
So Yitzhak proudly showed Benny his flat
and all the high tech it contained. Then he took Benny into his bedroom
where his friend couldn’t help but notice a very large brass gong and hammer
on the chest of drawers.
"Is that a dinner gong?" asked Benny.
"It's not really a gong, Benny, it’s more
like a talking clock," Yitzhak replied.
"A talking clock? Are you serious?" said
Benny.
"Of course," replied Yitzhak.
"So how does it work?" said Benny.
"Watch this," replied Yitzhak, as he picked
up the hammer and gave the gong an ear shattering pounding. They stood
looking at each other for a moment when suddenly, someone in the flat next
door screamed, "Stop that, you inconsiderate oaf. It's quarter to three
in the morning."
(#922) All change
Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London.
During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack
bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes
into the shop and says, "Make me a hot dog with everything."
Benjy goes to work and soon puts together
a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with
a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket.
"So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where's my
change?"
Benjy replies, "Change must come from
within."
(#923) The new companions
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, you do not visit
me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it’s getting hard for me
to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "OK, I will create you a
companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then
know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish
and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you."
And God created a new animal for Adam
and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and
wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Oh Lord, I can’t think
of a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom
have already been assigned."
And God said, "OK, because I created this
animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a good
companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And
Dog was content and wagged his tail.
Later, it came to pass that Adam's guardian
angel came to the Lord and said, "Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like
a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught
him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility."
And the Lord said, "OK, I will create
another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion
will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not
worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT. And Cat would not
obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.
(#924) Moshe’s favourite London signs


DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER (cemetery)


THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS (department
store)


'BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT
IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME (restaurant)


MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR
CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN (launderette)


WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS
THE BELL DOESN'T WORK (repair shop door)


WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT
BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN (office)


MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT (German
restaurant)


WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING (BIKES, HI-FI ETC). SO
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN? (second-hand shop)


TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
(toilet)


QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL
BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR (beach)


PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE
MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS (petrol station)


AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD (office)


ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE
THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF (dry cleaners)


CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS (health food shop)


MANURE.  50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK 
(20p DO-IT-YOURSELF)  (farm)


ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR (safari
park)

(#925) Some more quickies
Fay is wheeling her granddaughter in a
pram when Rivkah stops her and says, "What a beautiful grandchild , Fay."
"Ach, Rivkah, this is nothing," says Fay,
"you should see the photos."
Q: What favourite nine-letter word is regularly
used by Jewish grandmas when they have their grandchildren round for tea?
A:  Eateateat
(#926) The examination
Sadie took her husband Bernie to see a
psychiatrist for a check up. After examining him, the doctor took Sadie
to one side and said, "I have some very bad news for you. There is nothing
I can do to help your husband. His mind has completely gone."
"I’m not really surprised," Sadie replied,
"Bernie’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 50 years."
(#927)  Religious test
Moshe, Peter and Ali were discussing who
was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of
the desert," said Ali. Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we were
being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose faith
in the Almighty. I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 100 yards all around
me the storm had stopped. Since that day, I am a devout believer in God."
"One day while fishing," said Peter, "I
was in my little boat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm
appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my boat was tossed
around by the rough waves. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus. I prayed
and prayed and suddenly for 300 yards all around me the storm had stopped.
Since that day I’m a devout Christian and now teach young children about
Him."
"One Saturday, I was walking down the
road to my synagogue in Hendon," explained Moshe. "I was in my most expensive
designer outfit. Suddenly I saw a leather bag drop to the ground in front
of me. It appeared out of nowhere. I put my hand inside and found that
it was full of money. I truly thought my end had come as we are not allowed
to handle money on the Sabbath. But I did not lose my faith in my God.
I prayed and prayed and suddenly for 500 yards all around me it was Sunday."
(#928) The good cook
Little Yossi and his family were having
dinner at his bubbe's house. When everyone was seated, the food was served.
As soon as little Yossi got his plate, he started eating from it right
away.
"Yossi, please wait until we say our prayer,"
said his father.
"I don't have to," Yossi replied.
"Of course you have to," said his mother.
"Don’t we always say a prayer before eating at our house?"
"Yes, but that's our house," Yossi explained.
"This is bubbe's house and she knows how to cook."
(#929) School lunch
It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery
school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual,
they were led into the canteen. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one
end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message, "Take
ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching."  At the other end he noticed
was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies.
Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah,
"We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples."
(#930) White hair
One morning, as little Hannah was sitting
at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates,
she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in
with her dark hair.
Hannah looked at her mother and said,
"Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?"
Her mother replied, "Well darling, every
time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one
of her mother’s hairs turns white."
Hannah thought about this information
for a few moments then said, "Mummy, so how come all of grandma's hairs
are white?"
(#931) The art class
Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One
day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing
the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk.
Leah was working very diligently at her work.
Rebecca said, "What are you drawing, Leah?"
Leah replied, "I'm drawing God, teacher."
Rebecca paused and then said, "But no
one knows what God looks like. Leah."
Without looking up from her work, Leah
replied,  "They will in a minute."
(#932) No hopers
Arnold and Estelle have been engaged for
over 15 years. She won’t marry him while he is shicker and he won't marry
her while he is sober.
(#933) 50th Anniversary
Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement
home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David,
Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting
their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed
to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual,
they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began.
"Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted
David, "I'm sorry I'm late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You
know how it is. So I didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present."
"Don’t worry," said Moshe, "the main thing
is, we're together, aren’t we?"
Henry then came over.  "Hi dad, you're
looking great. And wow, mum, don’t you look good also, you're looking just
like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d
been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow
and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?"
"It's nothing," said Moshe, " the main
thing is we're all together"
Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and
dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll
have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing
that I didn't have time to buy you anything."
Moshe sighed and replied, "I don't care
as long as I have my 3 sons together."
Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a
reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something
that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I,
well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate
and in our struggle to survive, I'm sorry to tell you that we never got
around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few
years, it didn't seem so important, so…"
The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean..
do you mean.. we're bastards?"
"Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly
what I do mean and cheap ones, too"
(#934) Home efficiency
Hyman was an efficiency expert and at
the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. "Please
don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked Benny, who was in the
audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast
for years," Hyman explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator,
oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One
day I told her, 'Darling, why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"
"Did it save time?" Benny asked.
"Actually, yes," replied Hyman. "It used
to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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