(#515) Pharaoh
in need of counselling?
At Passover, we
read the story of Moses and how God brought 9 plagues onto the Pharaoh
and the Egyptians. And we read that because the Pharaoh was stubborn and
still wouldn’t let the Jews leave Egypt, God had to unleash Plague number
10, despite his previous warning. This was the death of the first-born
of every Egyptian family. Only then, after this greatest of terrors, did
the Pharaoh release the Jews from slavery and let them leave Egypt to journey
to the Promised Land.
But in the face
of such convincing evidence that something really bad would happen, why
didn’t the Pharaoh release the Jews after the first nine plagues? It took
years of research by leading Israeli scholars studying the Dead Sea Scrolls
to find the answer. “The Pharaoh was still in deNile”.
(#516) The engineer
Hette arrives home
quite late one night and says to her worried Moishe, “Sorry I’m late. I
had to come home by train, as I couldn’t get my car to start. But I’m sure
I know why.”
“So what’s the problem
then, my mechanical engineer of a wife?” asks Moishe.
“I think there’s
water in the carburettor,” replies Hette.
“How on earth can
you know that?“ says Moishe. “You don’t even know how to open the bonnet
or to change the time on the car’s clock yet alone know where the carburettor
is.”
“Maybe so,“ says
Hette, “but I still think there’s water in it.”
Moishe then says,
“OK, I’ll go along with you. Let’s check it out right now. Where did you
leave the car?”
Hette replies, “In
the lake!”
(#517) What your
grandmother told you


If you can't say something
nice, say it in Yiddish.


If you don't eat, it
will kill me.


Never take a front-row
seat at a bris.


Always whisper the names
of diseases.


Without Jewish mothers,
who would need therapy?


If it tastes good, it's
probably not kosher.


Why spoil a good meal
with a big tip?


Twenty percent off is
a bargain; fifty percent off is a mitzvah.


Wine needs to breathe
so don't rush through the kiddish.


Never pay retail.


No one leaves a simcha
hungry; but then no one leaves with a hangover.


And what's so wrong
with dry turkey?


Anything worth saying
is worth repeating a thousand times.


Where there's smoke,
there may be smoked salmon.


Next year in Jerusalem.
The year after that, how about a nice cruise?


A shmata is a dress
that your husband's ex is wearing.

(#518) The question
Moishe and Freda
were sitting together one evening watching a DVD movie, as they did every
night. But on this occasion, Moishe suddenly says, "So, darling, whatever
happened to our sexual relations?"
Freda didn’t answer
straight away, but when she did, she replied, "You know, I don't even think
we got a New Year card from them this year."
(#519) Punishment
2002
Bernie was talking
to his friend Jack about his rebellious son Yossi. "When I was a youngster
and did something wrong, my parents punished me by sending me to my bedroom
without supper. I hated it. But our Yossi has his own colour TV, phone,
computer and DVD player in his bedroom so we can’t do that - it wouldn’t
be much of a punishment."
"So what do you
do, then?" asked Jack.
"We send him up
to our bedroom without supper!"
(#520) The arrangements
Although Miriam
Cohen had a good job designing clothes in a top shop in Golders Green,
she wasn’t satisfied with being single. In fact she and her mother, Freda,
shared the same wish – Miriam should marry a wealthy man, please God.
One day, Miriam
came home from work with eyes red and sore from crying and went straight
to Freda. “Mum, I'm pregnant. Please don't get upset - the father is my
boss.” Miriam then began to cry again and Freda had to stay with her most
of the night. The next morning, an angry Freda went with Miriam to see
her boss.
“Nu, she said, so
what's going to happen to Miriam now?“
Miriam’s boss was
a handsome, single, well dressed man of 32. He replied, “Please take a
seat Mrs. Cohen and don’t worry. I'm taking care of all the arrangements.
Before the baby is born, Miriam will have the best doctor money can buy.
Later on, she'll be booked into the best private clinic in London and after
the baby is born, I will set up a trust fund for Miriam. She will receive
£1,000 each week until the baby reaches 21. I can’t do better than
that.”
Freda was initially
taken aback by this news but then responded, “Tell me,” she said, “God
forbid Miriam should have a miscarriage, but if she does, will you give
her a second chance?”
(#521) It’s magic
Moishe goes to Brent
Cross shopping centre with his ten-year-old son, Paul. Paul is flicking
a 20p coin up in the air with his thumb and each time catching it between
his teeth. But then someone bumps into Paul and the 20p coin goes straight
down his throat. Paul starts to choke and soon begins to turn blue. Moishe
starts to panic and shouts and screams for someone to help him.
An ordinary looking
man in a blue suit is sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading his
newspaper. He puts down his cup and paper, gets up and walks towards Paul,
who is now close to collapse. When he gets to him, the man takes hold of
Paul’s testicles and squeezes them gently but firmly. Straight away, Paul
coughs up the 20p coin into the man’s free hand. The man gives the coin
to Moishe and walks back to his bench to finish off his coffee. Not a word
was said during this event.
Moishe is overwhelmed
with gratitude and quickly goes over to the man to thank him. The man looks
embarrassed and tells Moishe he doesn’t have to thank him. But Moishe says,
"You’re a hero. I've never heard of anyone doing what you just did - it
was pure magic. What are you, a doctor?"
"Oh, no, " the man
replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."
(#522) Growing
up
Little Benny and
little Sarah are at Edgware infants’ school. One day during lunch, Sarah
says, “Benny, do you want to play mummies and daddies with me?”
Benny replies, “OK.
What do you want me to do?”
“I want you to communicate
your thoughts,” she says.
“Communicate my
thoughts?“ says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.”
Sarah instantly
smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine then. You can be the
daddy.”
(#523) Advertisement
in the Jewish Gazette
FOR SALE BY
OWNER
COMPLETE SET OF
ENCYCLOPAEDIA BRITTANICA
45 VOLUMES
EXCELLENT CONDITION
£500 OR NEAR
OFFER
NO LONGER NEEDED
JUST GOT MARRIED
WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING

(#524) Grandma’s
saying
Harry and his neighbour
Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow
Joe’s ladder. Joe said, “Sorry Harry, I’ve lent it to my son.”
Remembering a saying
that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, "Joe, you should never
lend anything to your children because you'll never get it back."
Joe replied, "Don’t
worry, it’s not my ladder. It's my dad's."
(#525) Gay service
One Sabbath, Joseph
discovers a gay shul in Hendon. He's very excited. It is exactly what he
had been looking for. There's a gay cantor and a gay Rabbi, and even the
congregation is mostly gay. So with a happy heart, Joseph sits down and
joins in the service.
Soon, however, he
just can’t help noticing the handsome young man sitting next to him. Hard
as he tries, he can’t stop himself – Joseph puts his hand on the young
man's knee.
Immediately two
large men rush over to Joseph, pick him up, quickly carry him out of the
shul and forcibly throw him out into the street.
As he picks himself
up, Joseph says, "Why on earth did you have to do that? I thought this
was a gay synagogue."
"It is," one of
them replied in a deep voice. "But nobody messes with the rebbetzin."
(#526) JEWISH
QUIZ
If you are Jewish,
or an aspiring Jew, or married into a Jewish family, or work with Jews,
or dating someone Jewish, there are certain things you must know to survive!  
Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function as a Jew: -
There are no Jews
living in: -
a) sin;
b) Cornwall;
c) caravan parks;
In a Jewish household,
the cleaning lady is expected to: -
a) do the windows;
b) make latkes;
c) attend all bar
mitzvahs and weddings;
To make a good pet
for a Jewish child, an animal must be: -
a) gentle;
b) housebroken;
c) stuffed;
Jews spend their
holidays: -
a) sightseeing;
b) sunbathing;
c) discussing where
they spent their last holiday & where they'll go next;
If there's a hairdresser
in your immediate family, you are: -
a) up on the newest
style;
b) entitled to free
haircuts;
c) not Jewish;
Wilderness means:
-
a) no running water;
b) no electricity;
c) no hot and sour
soup;
The most popular
outdoor sport among Jews is: -
a) jogging;
b) tennis;
c) plutzing over
the neighbours swimming pool;
Jews never drive:
-
a) unsafely;
b) on Saturdays;
c) eighteen wheel
lorries;
A Jewish skydiver
is: -
a) careful;
b) insured;
c) an apparition;
No Jewish person
in history has ever been known to: -
a) become a prostitute;
b) deface a synagogue;
c) remove the back
of a TV set;
Jews never sing:
-
a) off-key;
b) "Nel Blu di Pinto
di Blu";
c) around a piano
bar;
Scoring: 1 point
for each "a)" answer, 2 for each "b)" and 3 for each "c)".
30-33 points: Mazeltov!
You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family
carefully out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their
traditions, or else you're from Golders Green or Edgware.
(#527) The cow
One Sabbath afternoon,
Jacob was in the Rabbi’s office and was looking out the window when he
said, "Rabbi, if one sees a cow drowning on the Sabbath, is it permitted
to save it or should one let it drown?"
The Rabbi looked
up and said, "No, my son, it is not permitted to break the Sabbath over
a cow."
"That's a shame,"
says Jacob. "A cow has fallen into the lake and it’s drowning."
The Rabbi replies,
"Yes, it's too bad."
Jacob continues,
"Its head is now going under and it's certainly going to die. I feel sorry
for the animal."
"Yes," said the
Rabbi, "it is not a nice thing to happen, but what can one do on the Sabbath?"
"And I feel so sorry
for you," Jacob said.
"Why me?" said the
Rabbi looking up.
"It is your cow."
(#528) It’s obvious
Young Morris asked
his father, "Dad, was Adam Jewish?"
His father put down
his newspaper and thought for a moment. He was an expert at Talmudic reasoning
and in the art of making a point by an unanswerable question.
He replied, "If
we can determine that Eve was Jewish, my son, we would at once see that
Adam was Jewish, for who but a Jew could bring himself to marry a Jewish
girl?" (Here he turned his head a bit nervously to make sure his wife wasn't
listening.)
"Therefore, we can
drop the Adam problem and instead ask ourselves, "Was Eve Jewish?"
"To answer that,
we have only to ask the question, "Would anyone but a Jewish girl say,
'Here, have a piece of fruit'?"
(#529) A lesson
in economics
Issy is walking
down the High Street with his friend, Jacob, when he suddenly says, "Did
you know, Jacob, that I'm a walking economy."
Jacob answers, "What
do you mean by that?"
"Well it's like
this Jacob," says Issy. "My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a
victim of inflation and the combination of these factors is putting me
into a deep depression."
(#530) Fantasy
Ask any man and
he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at
once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears
that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy,
one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.
(#531) Jumping
to conclusions
Hetty was the local
gossip and self-appointed guardian of the town's morals. One day, she accused
Moishe in front of a number of people of being an alcoholic, because she
saw his car parked in front of the local wine merchant.
Moishe was a wise
man. He just stared at her for a moment, said nothing and walked away.
Later that night,
Moishe parked his car in front of Hetty’s house and left it there until
morning.
(#532) The lesson
Little Sarah was
attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the
lesson, she asks her teacher, "Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"
The teacher asks,
"How old is your mother, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "She’s
thirty eight years old, Miss."
The teacher then
says, "Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant."
Sarah then asks,
"Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?"
The teacher asks,
"How old is your sister, Sarah?"
Sarah answers, "She’s
eighteen, Miss".
The teacher says,
"Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."
So Sarah then asks,
"Can I get pregnant, Miss?"
The teacher asks,
"How old are you, Sarah?"
Sarah replies, "I'm
seven years old, Miss".
The teacher says,
"No, Sarah, you can't get pregnant."
Little Maurice,
who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, "see,
Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about."
(#533) What to
choose
Becky is out doing
her shopping. She goes into a supermarket and gets totally confused by
the large selection of toilet paper they have on their shelves. So she
goes up to one of the assistants and asks, "Excuse me. Can you explain
the differences between all these toilet rolls, please?"
"Of course," he
replies. He points out one brand, "This is our best because it’s as soft
as a baby's kiss. It's £1.50 per roll." He picks up another roll
and says to her, "This one is also good. It’s nice and soft, strong but
gentle and it's £1.00 a roll." Then, pointing to the bottom shelf
he tells Becky, "We call that roll our No Name brand, and it's 50p per
roll."
"Give me the No
Name," says Becky.
One week later,
Becky goes back to the shop and seeks out the assistant.
"I've got a name
for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne."
"Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough,
it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
(#534) Vive la
difference
Maurice and Hetty
were approaching their Golden wedding anniversary. One summer evening,
as they were taking a slow walk in their local park, Hetty suddenly takes
her walking stick and hits Maurice hard across his back with it.
"What on earth did
you do that for? It really hurts." he shouts at her.
Hetty replies, "That's
for 50 years of poor sex."
Maurice thinks for
a while and then takes his walking stick and hits Hetty hard across her
tuchus with it.
"Ouch," she screams.
"What was that for?"
Maurice looks at
her and replies, "That's for knowing the difference."
(#535) A dilemma
If a married Jewish
man is walking alone in a park, and expresses an opinion, without anybody
around to hear him, is he still wrong?
 
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