Jokes 36 Set

(#815) Tell me the truth
Benny had been wondering for some time
why Sam, one of his five sons, was so different to his other children.
So he plucks up courage and asks his wife, “Tell me the truth, Sarah. Who
really is Sam’s father?”
Sarah replies, “You are.”
(#816) Three quickies
There are two theories on how to successfully
argue with a Jewish mother. Unfortunately, neither works.
Moishe says to his friend, “My Sadie and
I, we are always holding hands.”
“Why do you do this?” asks his friend.
“Because if I let go, she shops.”
Issy was talking to his analyst, “I grew
up to have my father's looks, my father's speech patterns, my fathers posture,
my father's opinions and my mother's contempt for my father.”
(#817) Reality
Sidney says to his friend, “We were so
poor when I was young that I had to sleep in the same bed as my three brothers.
We slept four-to-a-bed for many years. I didn’t know what it was like to
sleep alone until I grew up and married Sadie.”
(#818) The taxi driver
Hannah is taking her young daughter Judith
shopping. While Hannah is getting them a taxi, Judith notices a group of
scantily dressed, overly made-up women on the street corner. As they get
in the taxi, Judith asks, “Mummy, what are all those women doing over there?”
Hannah replies, “They’re waiting for their
husbands to return from work, darling.”
When the taxi driver hears this, he turns
to Hannah and says, “Now come on, lady, don’t lie to your daughter, why
don’t you tell her the truth? Educate her, for god’s sake.”
Without asking permission, he then turns
to Judith and says, “They’re hookers, that’s who they are.”
Judith then says, “Mummy, do these ladies
have any children?”
Hannah replies, “Of course they do, darling,
where do you think taxi drivers come from?”
(#819) Letter to a synagogue secretary
Dear Sir,
We have a proposition to make. A recent
survey - ‘What makes the perfect Rabbi?’ showed that: -


the perfect Rabbi’s sermons last exactly fifteen
minutes


the perfect Rabbi condemns sin but at same
time never upsets anyone


the perfect Rabbi works from 8am until midnight
and is also synagogue handyman


the perfect Rabbi makes £250pw, wears
good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car and gives about £250pw
to the poor and needy


the perfect Rabbi has a burning desire to
work with teenagers and spends all of his time with senior citizens


the perfect Rabbi smiles all the time but
with a straight face because he has a sense of humour that keeps him seriously
dedicated to his work


the perfect Rabbi makes 15 calls daily to
congregation families and the hospitalised, and is always in his office
when needed.

If your Rabbi does not measure up to the above,
simply send this letter to 6 other synagogues that are also tired of their
Rabbi. Then bundle up your Rabbi and send him to the synagogue on the top
of your list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 Rabbis and one of them
will be perfect. Have faith in this procedure. One congregation broke the
chain and got its old Rabbi back in less than three weeks.
Yours faithfully
(#820) The rescue attempt
Jacob is a very religious man. One day,
a nearby river floods its banks and rushes into town, forcing Jacob to
climb onto his garage roof. Soon, a man in a boat comes along and tells
Jacob to get in.
Jacob says, "That’s very kind of you,
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
So, the boat leaves.
The water rises and Jacob has to climb
onto the roof of his house. Another man in a boat comes along and tells
Jacob to get in.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The boat leaves.
The water rises further and soon Jacob
is clinging to his chimney. Then a helicopter arrives and lowers a ladder.
The helicopter pilot tells Jacob to climb up the ladder.
Jacob replies, "That’s very kind of you
but no thanks. God will take care of me."
The pilot says, "Are you really sure?"
Jacob says, "Yes, I'm sure that God will
take care of me."
Finally, the water rises too high and
Jacob drowns. He goes up to Heaven and is met by God.
Jacob says to God, "You told me you would
take care of me. What happened?"
God replies, "Well, I sent you two boats
and a helicopter. What else did you want me to do?"
(#821) The sermon
One Shabbos, Rabbi Bloom told his congregation,
"Next week, my sermon will be all about the sin of lying and to help you
understand it better I would like you all to read Leviticus chapter 28
before next week."
The following Shabbos, at the start of
his sermon, Rabbi Bloom asked his congregation, "How many of you have read
Leviticus 28?"
Every hand went up.
Rabbi Bloom smiled and said, "Leviticus
has only 27 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
(#822) Sir Benjy takes a holiday
Benjy had done very well in business.
He was a multi-millionaire and had been knighted by the Queen for his endeavours.
One day, after completing yet another very successful business deal, he
decided on the spur-of-the-moment to take his wife Sadie to Israel. He
asked his secretary Carol to make the arrangements.
Carol rang the Tel Aviv Dan hotel and
asked to speak to the manager.
“I am happy to inform you that Sir Benjy
and his wife have chosen to stay at the Dan next week. But as they are
very wealthy and require total privacy, they would need to book the entire
hotel for their stay. Money is not a problem. Can you set this up?”
The manager didn’t hesitate. “Yes, I can
move all guests to a sister hotel.”
Carol then asked, “Is there a private
beach?”
“Yes.”
“What colour is the sand?” asked Carol.
“Silver,” came the reply.
“Well that will be a problem as Sir Benjy
always insists on golden sand.”
“OK. I can get round it,” said the manager.
“There’s a quarry nearby and I will arrange for golden sand to be laid
on the beach.”
“And finally,” said Carol, “Sir Benjy
prefers a blue sky without a cloud in it. Is the weather going to be perfect
next week?”
“No problem,” said the manager, “I will
get the Israeli Air Force to seed the clouds and so disperse them.”
The following week, there was Benjy and
Sadie sunbathing on the wide expanse of the private beach of the Dan hotel.
Benjy looked all around him and said, “Sadie, just look how beautiful everything
is. We have privacy, there is not a sound coming from the hotel, the sand
is beautifully clean and golden and the sky is so blue without a cloud
in sight.  Sadie, with all of this, who needs money?”
(#823) What an act
Lionel was a ventriloquist, and not a
good one at that. In fact business was so bad that he was trying his luck
as a medium. One day, a widow came into his office and said that she wanted
to contact her dear departed husband and asked Lionel what he charged.
“If you only want to hear him speak,”
said Lionel, “I charge £30. If you want to have a conversation with
him, I charge £50. But I charge £70 if you want a conversation
with him while I’m drinking a glass of water.”
(#824) The wedding present
On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law
Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for
your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business.
All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start
work in. What about Accounts?”
“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I
can’t even add 2 figures together.”
“All right then, what about IT?”
“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo,
“for years I thought PC stood for police constable.”
Louis was confused. OK, what about joining
the sales team?”
“Look dad, I have a much better idea.
How about you buying me out?”
(#825) Investment advice
Moshe was 88 years old and went to see
his financial advisor.
“So what do you think is an appropriate
investment for me?” asked Moshe.
“Well,” replied the advisor, “I have found
a terrific investment that will double your money in 5 years.”
“Are you meshugge,” said Moshe, “a five
year investment? Why, at my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
(#826) Speeding?
A police officer pulls Isaac over for
speeding.
Officer: May I see your driver’s
license please?
Isaac: I don't now have one. I had it
confiscated for speeding.
Officer: May I see the registration for
this vehicle?
Isaac: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Isaac: Yes - but come to think of it,
I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun
in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Isaac: Yes. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot.
Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?
Isaac: Yes.
Hearing all of this, the officer immediately
calls for back up. Soon, Isaac’s car is surrounded by police and to handle
the tense situation, a police inspector approaches Isaac.
Inspector: Sir, can I see your
license?
Isaac: Sure. Here it is. [It was valid].
Inspector: Who's car is this?
Isaac: It's mine, inspector. Here's the
registration papers to prove it. [Also valid].
Inspector: Could you open your glove box
so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Isaac: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in
it. [Sure enough, there wasn’t].
Inspector: Would you mind opening your
boot? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Isaac: No problem. [Boot is opened - no
body].
Inspector: I don't understand it. The
officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole
the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in
the boot.
Isaac: Really? I'll bet the lying son
of a bitch told you I was speeding as well.
(#827) How rich is rich?
The story is told that Lord Rothschild
and Sir Isaac Wolfson met one day in the City. During a pleasant conversation,
they decided to treat themselves each to a new Rolls Royce and so they
took a taxi to the nearest RR showroom. When they got there, they both
fell in love with the same pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy on display. 
But there was only one of these cars in the showroom.
The sales manager heard what was going
on and said to the two famous millionaires, “It’s not a problem, gentlemen.
If you both want one, I can get another pale blue Ecstasy from our other
branch here within 45 minutes.”
“OK,” said Lord Rothschild, “get it. In
the meantime, we’re going for a coffee.”
When they returned to the showroom, there
stood two beautiful, gleaming, pale blue Rolls Royce Ecstasy saloons. Sir
Isaac took out his chequebook but before he could open it, Lord Rothschild
waved it away and said, “I wouldn’t hear of it, my dear fellow. These are
on me – you paid for the coffees.”
(#828) Results count
A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to
enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather
jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to
know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi
driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and
says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and
enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright
and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for
forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to
the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom
of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb,
"that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and
golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says
Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people
prayed."
(#829) Ten holiday differences explained
1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same
day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day
off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli
dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev,
whenever that falls. No one is ever sure - until that is, a Christian friend
asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have
the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah
is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays
– ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let's eat already’.
3. There is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah,
Hanukah, Hannukah.
4. Christmas is a time of pressure for
husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish
men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a
diamond ring on Chanukah.
5. Christians get wonderful presents such
as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents
such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas.
6. Christmas end up in high electricity
bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such
high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent
Night, Come O Ye Faithful).  Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels
and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and
sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond.
8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell
great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive
mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes
and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time.
9. Women have great fun baking Christmas
cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes
and onions making latkes on Chanukah - a reminder of our suffering through
the ages.
10. Many Christians believe in the virgin
birth. Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman
is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here,
take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."
(#830) Some forms of Judaism
Cardiac Judaism  “In my heart I am
a Jew.”
Gastronomic Judaism “We eat Jewish foods.”
Chequebook Judaism “I give to Jewish causes.”
Drop-off Judaism  “I drop the kids
off at Sunday Hebrew classes.”
Twice a year Judaism “I attend services
on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.”
(#831) Have I got someone for you
A shadchen (matchmaker) goes over to a
yeshiva buchur (student) and says, "Do I have a girl for you."
"Not interested," replies the buchur.
"She's very beautiful," says the shadchen.
"Really?" says the buchur.
"Yes, and she's rich too."
"Really?"
"And she has great yiches (ancestry).
She’s from a very fine family."
"Sounds great," says the buchur, "but
why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to be crazy."
"Well, you can't have everything," replies
the shadchen.
(#832) Gambling Rabbi
A Rabbi, a minister and a priest, played
cards every Wednesday for small stakes, but their problem was that they
lived in a ‘no gambling allowed’ town. One day, the sheriff raided their
game and took them before the judge.
After hearing the sheriff's story, the
judge asked the priest, "Were you gambling, Father?"
The priest looked toward heaven, whispered,
"Oh, Lord, forgive me," and then replied aloud, "No, your honour, I was
not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge
then asked the minister.
The minister replied, "No, your honour,
I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge
asked, "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied
"With whom?"
(#833) The accident
Eighty-four year old Morris is hit by
a car and lies bleeding on the pavement. A policeman arrives on the scene
and seeing the state Morris is in, immediately calls for a priest and an
ambulance. The priest arrives first. He bends over Morris and asks, "Do
you believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost?"
Morris lifts his head, opens his eyes
wide, turns to the crowd that had gathered around him, and says, "Here
I am, laying here dying and this schmendrick is asking me riddles!"
(#834) The hearing test
Sam was convinced that his wife Betty
was getting deaf. She refused to go to an audiologist, so he asked his
doctor what could be done.
"Why don’t you test Betty without her
knowledge. Start at the door of the room. Tell Betty something in a normal
tone of voice. If she doesn't respond, keep moving nearer, still using
a normal tone of voice. That should tell you just how deaf Betty is."
"Thank you doctor."
Soon after, Sam saw his chance. He noticed
Betty doing the dishes.
He said, "I love you darling."
No response.
He moved a few steps into the room and
repeated, "I love you darling."
Still no response.
He moved closer, until he could almost
touch her and said, "I love you darling."
With this, Betty turned around and said,
"For the third time, I love you too."
 
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