(#1335) The system
Bernard and Issy are having a serious
chat about women. Bernard says, "Whenever I see a woman, Issy, I give her
a rating of between 1 and 10."
"So what," says Issy, "I do the same."
"But my system is different," says Bernard,
"I score Jewish women differently to non-Jewish women."
"That’s new to me," says Issy. "So in
your system, what’s a Jewish 10?"
"That’s a woman who I would normally rate
a ‘4’ but who has £1,000,000."
(#1336) Protective
Little Sam is bored. So he goes over to
his mother and asks, "Mum, can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?"
"OK, bubbeleh," says his mother, "but
don’t go too close."
(#1337) D-I-Y
Did you hear about the famous mohel Rabbi
Bloom who ran his own PR Company? He saved his own clippings.
(#1338) Change over
Abe goes to see Doctor Myers and says,
"I want to become a woman."
"You must be joking," says Doctor Myers.
"No I’m not," says Abe, "I’m serious about
it. Are you willing to perform the necessary operations on me?"
"No, definitely not," replies Doctor Myers.
"So who will do it?" asks Abe.
"Well I shouldn’t tell you this," replies
Doctor Myers, "but I know the name of a doctor in France who can do it."
Six months later, Abe returns to Doctor
Myers and says, "I’m so glad you gave me the name of doctor Jean-Pierre.
I’ve had it done and I feel terrific. My new name is Sadie and I now function
in every way like a woman, emotionally as well as physically."
"But … Sadie," asks Doctor Myers, "don’t
you have any emotions or desires left over from your previous life as a
man?"
"Well now you ask," replies Sadie, "some
mornings I do have this great urge to lay tefillin."
(#1339) Inevitable changes
Little Sam and Melissa are very good friends.
They attend the same school, are in the same class and every day without
fail follow the same lunch time routine - they sit down together, open
their lunch boxes together and both eat their chicken sandwiches (their
favourite) together.
Five years later, they’re still following
the same routine. But then one day, as Sam is eating his chicken sandwich,
he’s shocked to see that Melissa is eating a smoked salmon sandwich. "Missy,"
says Sam, looking upset, "you’re not eating a chicken sandwich. I thought
you said you would only ever eat chicken."
"I still love chicken, Sam," replies Melissa,
"but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" asks Sam.
Melissa points to her lap and replies,"
Because I’m starting to grow feathers down here."
"I don’t believe it," says Sam, "show
me."
"OK," says Melissa and she lifts up her
skirt and lowers her panties.
Sam looks very closely and after a few
seconds says, "I see them too, Missy, I think you’re right to stop eating
chicken."
Their new lunch time routine continues
for another 6 months, with Sam eating chicken and Melissa eating smoked
salmon. Then one day he brings in a peanut butter sandwich.
"Missy," he says, "I’ve given up chicken.
I’m growing feathers down there too."
"Can I see?" asks Melissa.
"OK," says Sam and he pulls down his trousers
and pants.
"You’ve left it very late, Sam," she says,
"you’ve already started to grow the polkeh (drumstick) and also the matzoh
balls for the chicken soup."
(#1340) The wise rabbi
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Sadie has a problem so goes to see the
very wise Rabbi Levy. She asks him, "Two members of our shul, Bernard Himmelfarb
and Jacob Gold, are both in love with me, Rabbi. Who will be the lucky
one?"
Rabbi Levy replies, "Jacob will marry
you, Sadie, but Bernard will be the lucky one."
(#1341) Rachel’s warning e-mail
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
"Please forward this e-mail to
all your women friends.
If a man knocks on your front door and
says he’s conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, don’t.
This is a scam - he only wants to see your boobs.
Rachel
PS  I wish I'd received this e-mail
yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap"
(#1342) Escorted off the bus
Leah is 8 months pregnant and gets on
a bus to go to Brent Cross shopping centre. Morris is already on the bus
and watches her sit down opposite him. Leah looks up and notices that Morris
is smiling at her, so she immediately moves to another seat. This time
Morris’s smile turns into a grin and she moves seats again. Morris is now
more amused than ever and after Leah moves for the fourth time, he bursts
out laughing and can’t stop.
So Leah goes over to the driver and complains.
One thing leads to another and soon Morris is escorted off the bus by an
inspector.
As the bus moves off, the inspector asks
Morris, "OK sir, what have you got to say for yourself?"
Morris replies, "Well it was like this.
When the woman got on the bus, I couldn't help notice that she was heavily
pregnant. So when she sat under an ice cream advert that said: -
THE PEACH TWINS ARE COMING
I couldn’t help smiling. Then she moved
and sat under an advert that said: -
MINKY’S EMBROCATION WILL REDUCE THE SWELLING
and I had to grin. Then she moved again
and sat under a deodorant advert that said: -
HARRY’S BIG STICK DID THE TRICK
I could hardly contain myself. But when
she moved for the fourth time and sat under an advert that said: -
GOODYEAR RUBBER COULD HAVE PREVENTED THIS
ACCIDENT
I just lost it."
(#1343) The Hebrew Lesson
"Hello Cyril," says Fred, "I hear you
know Hebrew?"
"Yes I do," replies Cyril.
"I was wondering what the Hebrew for ‘he'
is?" says Fred.
"Hu," says Cyril.
"No one in particular," says Fred, "I
just wanted to know what is he?"
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I thought you said he is she?" says Fred.
"Yes, that’s correct," says Cyril.
"What is correct?" says Fred.
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"I have no idea what you said. Who is
she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I don’t want to know who he is, now I
want to know what she is in Hebrew?" says Fred.
"Hee," says Cyril.
"He who?" says Fred.
Yes that’s correct, but Hee is she," says
Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"Why do you keep asking me who is he?"
says Fred.
"I thought you were asking me what he
is in Hebrew?" says Cyril.
"Me?" says Fred.
"That’s Hu," says Cyril.
"Who is me?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he, Mee is who," says Cyril.
"I don't want to know who you are, I want
to know who is he?" says Fred.
"That’s correct," says Cyril.
"But I’ve no idea what I‘m saying," says
Fred.
"But you say it so well," says Cyril.
"Who me?" says Fred.
"Why are you asking me who he is?" says
Cyril.
"No, I’m asking you what is he?" says
Fred.
"Hee is she," says Cyril.
"Who is she?" says Fred.
"No, Hu is he," says Cyril.
"I’m very lost. Me is who? Who is he?
He is she?" says Fred.
"Very good, you said that very well,"
says Cyril.
"What did I say?" says Fred.
"Mee is who, Hu is he and Hee is she,"
says Cyril.
"Well if you must know, you’re crazy.
I don't know who he is and if
she is a he, I’m sure I don't want to
know her," says Fred.
(#1344) Dying wishes
Hette is dying and her rabbi comes to
visit her. "Do you have any last wishes, Hetty?" asks Rabbi Gold.
"Yes rabbi," whispers Hetty, "I know you
won’t like hearing me say this, but I want to be cremated."
"You know that is forbidden to us," says
Rabbi Gold, "but because it’s one of your final wishes – then OK. Is there
anything else?"
"Yes," whispers Hetty, "I want my ashes
spread over the John Lewis department store in Brent Cross."
"Why on earth would you want to do that?"
asks Rabbi Gold.
"Because that way," replies Hetty, "my
two daughters will find it easy to visit me each week."
(#1345) The after-life
Moshe and Rebecca make a vow that whoever
dies first would come back and inform the other of the after-life. Their
fear is that there is no after-life.
Many, many years later, Moshe dies and
true to his word, he makes contact.
"Rebecca …. Rebecca," he says, "can you
hear me?"
"Is that you, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Yes, Becky," he replies, "I've come back,
just as we agreed."
"So what's it like, Moshe?" asks Rebecca.
"Well Becky, it’s like this," replies
Moshe. "Every morning, I get up and have sex. I have breakfast and then
off to the golf course where I have sex. I sunbathe and then have sex twice.
I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex all afternoon. 
After dinner, it’s the golf course again, then I have sex until late. 
It likes this every day."
"Oh Moshe," says Rebecca, "you really
must be in heaven."
"Not exactly, Becky," says Moshe, "I'm
a rabbit on the Hampstead Garden Suburb golf course."
(#1346) Jewish haikus


After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias:
Did you wipe your feet?


Her lips near my ear, bubbeh whispers the
name of her friend's disease.


Looking for pink buds to prune, the old mohel
wanders among his flowers.


Scrabble discord: Someone has placed ‘putzhead’
on a triple word score.


Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs
softly. But her son is forty.


Tea ceremony: fragrant steam perfumes the
air. Try the cheese Danish.


Lacking fins or tail, the gefilte fish swims
with great difficulty.


My nature journal: Today I saw some trees
and birds. I should know the names?


Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture
at my dinner table.


The same kimono the top geishas are wearing,
got it at John Lewis.


The sparrow brings too many worms for her
young. "Force yourself," she chirps.


Jewish triathlon: gin rummy, then contract
bridge, followed by a nap.


Umbilical cord: "Can't you just leave it?"
the new Jewish mother asks.


The shivah visit: So sorry about your loss.
Now back to my problems.


Our youngest daughter, our most precious jewel.
Hence the name, Tiffany.


Concert of car horns as we debate the question
of when to change lanes.


Sorry I'm not home to take your call. At the
tone please state your bad news.


Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask from a child
after all I've done?


Today, mild shvitzing. Tomorrow, so hot you'll
plotz. Five-day forecast: feh.


Left the door open for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.


Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt. Shlemiel. Shlimazl.
Tochis. Oy! To be fluent!


A lovely nose ring -- excuse me while I put
my head in the oven.


Hard to tell under the lights--white Yarmulke
or male-pattern baldness?

(#1347) Course change
Max is a student at Manchester University
and rings his mother. "Hi mum," he says, "I thought you should know that
I’ve just switched courses and I’m now taking Psychology."
"Oy veh," says his mother, "I suppose
you’ll now be analyzing everyone in the family."
"Oh no, mum," he replies, "I don't take
abnormal psychology until next term."
(#1348) New knowledge
Five years old Benny comes home from Hebrew
school one day and says to his parents, "I learned something interesting
at school today."
"That’s nice, Benny," says his father,
"What did you learn today?"
Benny thinks for a moment, then replies,
"Daddy, have all the men in our family had their willies criticised?"
His mother laughs out loud. "Oh Benny,
darling, the word is circumcised, not criticised, but either way the answer
is still ‘YES’."
(#1349) Old cars
One day, little Rachel asks her mother,
"Mummy, what happens to old cars when they stop working?"
"Someone sells them to your father," replies
her mother.
(#1350) Conversation in a restaurant
– part 1
Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the
‘Bubbeh-Myseh’ restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and
chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?"
"Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for
my steak to be rare, and it was well done."
"Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we
always aim to please."
(#1351) Conversation in a restaurant
– part 2
"What would you do if I suddenly died,
Maurice?" says Sadie, "Would you marry again?"
"No, Sadie, definitely not," replies Maurice.
"Why ever not?" says Sadie. "Don't you
like being married?"
"You know I do," replies Maurice.
"Then why do you say you wouldn't get
married again?" asks Sadie.
"OK, Sadie, I was wrong," replies Maurice,
trying to end the conversation, "Yes, I would get married again."
Sadie then puts on a sad look and continues
his ‘interrogation’. "You really would re-marry?"
Maurice doesn’t answer this but just groans
very quietly.
"So would you live with her in … our house?"
asks Sadie.
"Why not?" replies Maurice, beginning
to enjoy himself, "it’s paid for, there’s no outstanding mortgage."
"And would you take my photos out of our
silver frames and replace them with her photos?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, why not," replies Maurice, "that
would seem like the correct thing to do."
"And would you sleep with her in our marital
bed, where we conceived our children?" asks Sadie.
"So where else do you think we would sleep?"
replies Maurice.
"And would she use my golf clubs?" asks
Sadie.
"Oh no," replies Maurice, "she's left-handed."
Silence fills the air, then …"Oh, sh*t,"
says Maurice.
(#1352) Search party
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
60year old Yitzhak and 65year old Hyman
are pushing their shopping trolleys around Waitrose supermarket one day
when they collide. Hyman immediately says, "Sorry. I was looking for my
wife Sadie and I wasn't really paying attention to where I was going. I
hope I didn’t hurt you."
"No problem," says Yitzhak, "but what
a coincidence. I'm also looking for my wife. I just can't find my Judith
anywhere and I'm getting a little worried."
"So let’s help each other," suggests Hyman,
"what does your Judith look like?"
Yitzhak replies, "Well, she’s a young
35 year old. She’s got long legs, she’s slim and she has.. how shall I
say this?….prominent breasts. She has blonde hair, green eyes and is wearing
blue shorts. What does your Sadie look like?"
"It doesn't matter," replies Hyman, "let's
just look for your Judith."
(#1353) Lost and found
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
Nathan goes to shul (synagogue) one shabbes
and Rabbi Bloom almost faints when he sees him - Nathan has never stepped
foot inside a shul since his barmitzvah. At the end of the Service, Rabbi
Bloom goes over to Nathan and says, "I’m very pleased to see you here today,
what made you come?"
Nathan replies, "I'll be honest with you,
rabbi. I lost my favourite hat about 3 months ago and I really miss it.
A friend of mine told me that Kenneth Gold has a hat just like mine. My
friend also told me that Gold comes to shul every shabbes, always takes
off his hat before Service begins, leaves it in the cloakroom at the back
of the shul and replaces it with his yarmulke. So I was going to leave
after the Torah reading and steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom says, "Well Nathan, I notice
that you didn't steal Gold’s hat after all.  Whilst I’m very glad,
please tell me why you changed your mind."
"Well rabbi," replies Nathan, "after I
heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need
to steal Gold’s hat."
Rabbi Bloom smiles and says, "I suppose
you decided against it after you heard me talking about 'Thou Shalt Not
Steal'?"
"Not exactly, rabbi," replies Nathan.
"After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered
where I left my hat."
(#1354) Thanks for nothing
One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decide to
go out for breakfast. The waitress at ‘The Walnut Tree’ tells them that
the special that morning is two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns
and toast for £3.99.
"That sounds good," says Sadie, "but I
don't want any eggs."
"OK," says the waitress, but I will then
have to charge you £4.50."
"Why," asks Shlomo, "it doesn’t make sense."
"Because you will then in effect be ordering
a la carte," the waitress replies.
"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not
taking the eggs?" Sadie asks.
"Yes," replies the waitress.
"OK then, I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replies.
At the end of the meal, Sadie takes the
two eggs home.