(#377) Punishment
Rabbi Bloom caught two of his rabbinical
students gambling and drinking on Sabbath. Next day, Rabbi Bloom called
them into his office and asked them what was going on. They immediately
confessed to having given in to weakness and agreed that they deserved
some form of punishment for their sin.
Rabbi Bloom thought a lot about this and
then came up with the answer. He bought two bags of dried peas from the
delicatessen and told them, "Put these in your shoes and walk on them for
a week to remind yourselves how hard life can be when you turn away from
God."
A few days later, the two students met
each other in the street. One had a pronounced limp and had dark circles
under his eyes. He looked very tired and weary. On the other hand, the
other was the same as he had been before.
"Hey," said the first. "How is it that
you are walking so easily? Why didn't you do as the Rabbi asked and put
the peas in your shoes?"
"I did," said the other. "But I boiled
them first."
(#378) The facelift - 1
Hette has a heart attack and is taken
to hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience,
during which she sees God and asks if this is the end for her.
God says no and explains that she has
another 30-40 years to live.
As soon as she had recovered, Hette figured
that since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well stay in
the hospital and have the face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation and
tummy tuck that she had always promised herself. So she did and she even
changed the colour of her hair!
But tragedy - some weeks later, as Hette
is leaving hospital, she is knocked over and killed by a car just as she
left the hospital.
When Hette arrives in front of God, she
asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?".
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
(#379) The facelift - 2
Morris decides to have a facelift for
his birthday. He spends £5,000 at Bushey hospital and feels really
good about the result. But would others see how good he looked? So he thought
he would put this to the test. On his way home, he stops off at Brent Cross
shopping centre. He first of all goes into Smiths, buys a newspaper and
says to the girl behind the cash desk, "I hope you don't mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," came the reply.
"I'm actually 47," Morris says, feeling
really happy.
Then he goes into Fenwicks for lunch and
asks the waitress the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look
about 29 ".
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel
really good.
In the car park on the way out, Morris
meets two elderly ladies and asks them the same question. One of them winks
to the other and replies, "I can’t really tell. I am 70 years old and my
eyesight is not as good as it used to be. But when I was younger, there
was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If you let me put my hand down your
trousers for a few minutes, I will certainly be able to tell your exact
age."
As there was no one around, Morris thought
why not and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Five minutes later,
the lady says, "OK, it's done. I now know that you are 47."
Stunned, Morris says to her, "That was
brilliant. How did you do that? "
She replies, giggling, "We were behind
you in the Fenwick’s queue."
(#380) The homecoming
Hette arrives home. She runs into the
house, slams the front door, and shouts at the top of her voice, “Harry,
quickly pack your bags, I’ve just won £10 million on the lottery.”
Harry says, “Oh my goodness, what fantastic
news. Should I pack for Florida or skiing?”
Hette yells back, “I don’t care where
you go, just get out of my life.”
(#381) Suddenly Single
Suzie and Carol, two widows in a Hendon
adult community centre, were curious about the latest arrival - a quiet,
nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself.
Carol said to Suzie, "You know I'm shy.
Why don't you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks
so lonely."  Suzie agreed.
So she walked up to him and said, "Excuse
me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering
why you looked so lonely."
"I'm lonely,” he said, "Because I've spent
the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding me! What ever for?"
"For killing my third wife. I strangled
her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I poisoned her."
"And, if I may ask, what about your first
wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell out the window."
"Oh my goodness," said Suzie.
Then turning to her friend on the other
side of the room, she shouted, "Carol. It’s OK, he's single!"
(#382) If I had my life to live over
by Erma


 I would have talked less and listened
more.


 I would have invited friends over to
dinner even if the carpet was stained and the sofa faded.


 I would have eaten snacks in the "good"
living room and worried less about the dirt when someone wanted to come
in wearing  shoes.


 I would have taken the time to listen
to my grandfather ramble on about his youth.


 I would never have insisted the car
windows be rolled up on a hot summer day just because my hair had just
been styled and sprayed.


 I would have burned the pink candle
sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.


 I would have sat on the lawn with my
children and not worried about grass stains.


 I would have cried and laughed less
while watching television and more while watching real life.


 I would have gone to bed when I was
sick instead of pretending the earth would stop revolving if I weren't
there for the day.


 Instead of wishing away nine months
of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment, realizing that the wonderment
growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.


When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would
never have said, "Later, now go get washed up for dinner."


There would have been more "I love you" ...
more "I'm sorry" ...  but mostly, given another shot at life, I would
seize every minute ... look at it and really see it ... live it ... and
never give it back.


I would tell all my friends that I need and
love them and that my life would be empty without them!

(#383) Five stupid jokes
Stupid #1
Freda walks into a wine bar and asks the
barman to give her a double entendre. So he gives her one.
Stupid #2
Two Jewish aerials meet on a roof, fall
in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was
brilliant!
Stupid #3
Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is
fully mature?
A: He has a bark-mitzvah!
Stupid #4
I came from a very poor family. One Chanukah,
my dad gave me an empty box and told me it was an Action Man deserter kit.
Stupid #5
Morris’s local manufacturing business
was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police
are currently combing the area for clues.
(#384) School Friends
Four old school friends were having coffee.
The first, a Catholic woman, says, "My
son is now a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’."
The second Catholic woman then says, "My
son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic says, "My son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth woman, a Jewish lady, just
sat there and sipped her coffee in silence. So the first three women give
her this subtle "Well...?"
So she replies, "My son is 6' 6", has
plenty of money, broad square shoulders, terribly handsome, dresses very
well, tight muscular body, tight hard buns and a very nice bulge. Whenever
he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
(#385) Two quickies
Q:  What is the difference between
a tailor and a psychiatrist?
A:  A generation
Q:  What is the definition of a psychiatrist?
A:  A Jew who wanted to be a doctor,
to make their mother happy, but faints at the sight of blood
(#386) The eye of the beholder
Mrs Stein a rich tourist goes to Paris
to visit the art galleries. She decides to hire the services of a guide
to show her around the Louvre.
"Oh!" said Mrs Stein looking at a painting,
"That's a Monet isn't it?"
"No Madame, almost, it's a Manet." replied
the guide.
"And that one, it's a Pissaro?"
"Er... no I'm sorry Madame, that's a Monet."
"Oh, I see. Now that one I’m sure of -
that's a Picasso isn’t it?"
".... no Madame, that's a mirror."
(#387) The visit to the Rabbi
Hette goes to see her Rabbi and she is
very, very angry. She tells him she wants to divorce her husband.
"Why, what's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a strong suspicion that he's not
the father of our youngest child!"
(#388) A little bit over the top
Harry and Alf are bragging with each other
about their recent fishing expeditions.
"Harry says, "I caught a fish so huge,
it must have weighed 50 lbs!"
"That's nothing," scoffs Alf, "I caught
an antique lamp. It had a date of 1837 engraved on it: the date when Queen
Victoria came to the throne. And you know what? The lamp was still lit!"
Harry stared at his friend incredulously
and then replied, slowly, "Listen Alf, I'll tell you what, we must stop
this boasting – so how's this for a compromise? I will say my fish weighed
only 5 lbs and you ... well, you put your light out!"
(#389) A visit to the doctor
Yenta went to see her doctor. "Doctor,
I need your help," she said, " I just can’t help talking to myself."
"Do you suffer any pain?" asked her doctor.
"No."
"In that case," said the doctor, "go home
and don't worry. Millions of people talk to themselves...It’s nothing to
worry about."
"But doctor," cried Yenta, " you don't
know what a boring person I am!"
(#390) It’s obvious
Moshe and his friends had been arguing
for some days and eventually, in desperation, they all agreed that he should
go to the Rabbi and get his verdict on the question that had them all baffled.
"Which is more important, the sun or the
moon?" Moshe asked the Rabbi.
"Why the moon, of course," replied the
Rabbi after some pondering. "It shines at night, when it is needed. The
sun, however, shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at
all."
(#391) How are you going to do it?
One summer, Abe Cohen went swimming in
the sea at Margate and almost drowned. Luckily, when he cried out for help,
some swimmers came to his aid. As he was helped out of the water, he took
a solemn oath:
"I swear I shall never to go into the
water again until I learn how to swim!"
(#392) Talk to me, please
Moishe goes up to a beautiful woman he
sees in Waitrose and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would
be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”
She asks, “Why on earth do you want me
to do that?”
Moishe replies, “Because every time I
talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”
(#393) The unhappy woman
One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping
in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her
eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong.
The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old
husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?"
The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade
soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half
the afternoon".
Hette asked again, "Well, why are you
crying?"
The old lady continued, "For dinner he
makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes
love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning.
Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the
world would you be crying?"
The old lady replied, "I can't remember
where I live!"
(#394) The conversation
Two Rabbis were discussing the decline
in morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I
was married," said one of them self-righteously. "Did you?"
 "I don't know," said the other.
"What was her maiden name?"
(#395) A conversation with God
God: And remember, Moses, in the laws
of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel.
Moses: “So you are saying we should never
eat milk and meat together.”
God: “No, what I'm saying is, never cook
a calf in its mother's milk.”
Moses: “Oh Lord, forgive my ignorance!
What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat
to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.”
God: “No, Moses, listen to me.  I
am saying, don't cook a calf in its mother's milk!!!”
Moses: “Oh, Lord! Please don't strike
me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set
of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake
we have to bury that dish outside....”
God: “Moses, do whatever you want..........”
(#396) How to reach a deal
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant
for a business lunch.
Morris said, "I have a good deal for you,
Bernard. When I was in London Zoo recently, I happened to pick up an elephant
they didn’t need any more. I could let you have it for three thousand pounds."
Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said,
"Morris, what am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a third floor
flat. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in a card
table. So you think I'm going to buy an elephant?"
Morris said, "I could let you have three
of them for two grand."
"Aha," said Bernard, "now you're talking!"
(#397) Grown up for his age
Little nine year old Ira was walking home
from Grodzinski’s Bakery with one hand in his pocket and carrying a huge
challah with the other hand. As he strolled up the walk to his house, his
mum and their local Rabbi came to meet him at the door.
The Rabbi said to Ira, "Hello Ira! How
are you today? What do you have there, the staff of life?"
To which Ira replied, "Yeah, and a loaf
of bread, too!"
(#398) The truth, the whole truth and
…
Harry gets stopped by a police car. When
the police officer gets to his car, Harry says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 65 in
a 50mph zone.
Harry: No sir, I was going 50.
Wife: Oh Harry, You were going 70.
Harry gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: I will also give you a ticket
for your broken brake light.
Harry: Broken brake light? I didn't know
about a broken brake light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that
brake light for months.
Harry gives his wife a really dirty look.
Officer: I am also going to book you for
not wearing your seat belt.
Harry: Oh, I just took it off when you
were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat
belt.
Harry turns to his wife and yells, " Shut
your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and says, "Madam,
does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
(#399) Memories
Freda and Mona, two elderly ladies, were
enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Edgware.  They had been meeting
in that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting and enjoying
each other’s friendship.
One day, Freda turns to Mona and says,
"Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these
years. . . What is your name?   I am trying to remember, but
I just can't."
Mona stares at Freda, looking very distressed,
and says nothing for two full minutes. Finally with tearful eyes, says,
"How soon do you have to know?"
go to sixteenth set