(#1255) The exercise class
Freda says to her daughter, "Ever since
I reached 65, Lisa, I’d been feeling that my body had gotten totally out
of shape. So I made a big decision - I went to my doctor and got his OK
to start doing some exercise. And yesterday I went to LA Fitness and booked
into their aerobics class for seniors."
"That was brave of you, mum, so how did
you get on?" asks Lisa.
"Well, for thirty minutes I sweated by
bending, twisting, pulling, pushing and hopping up and down. But then,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over."
(#1256) A fall off in performance
Sadie, an elderly lady, goes to see her
doctor. "Doctor," she says, "I really believe the romance is going out
of my marriage."
"Why do you say that, Sadie?" asks the
doctor.
"Because mine Moshe is not (if you excuse
me) performing very well in bed these days."
"Sadie," he asks, "how old are you?"
"I’m 80, doctor," she replies.
"And how old is your Moshe, Sadie?" asks
the doctor.
"Kin-a-hora, he’s a healthy 88 years old,"
she replies.
"Well, Sadie," says the doctor, "I don’t
think you need worry. Sexual performance always begins to drop off in men
of advanced years. It’s normal. But tell me, when did you first notice
Moshe’s failing performance?"
Sadie replies, "I noticed it twice last
night, doctor and once again this morning."
(#1257) Naomi’s toy
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Little Naomi lives near a fire station.
One day, one of the firemen is surprised to see Naomi glide slowly past
the station in a small red fire engine. It is an expensive toy. It has
little ladders hooked up on either side, an extendable ladder on top and
a garden hose coiled up at the back. Naomi is sitting in the driver’s seat
wearing a yellow fireman’s helmet and the fire engine is being pulled by
both her dog and her cat. The fireman walks over to her.
"Wow," he says, "you’ve got a real nice
fire engine, missy. I wish I had one like this."
"Thank you," says Naomi, "it’s my favourite
toy."
But then the fireman is shocked when he
notices how Naomi has connected her pets to the fire engine – she’s tied
one rope to her dog's collar and a second rope to her cat's testicles.
"I have an idea," he says to her, "if
you were to tie that rope around your cat's collar instead, I think you
would go even faster."
After thinking about this for a little
while, Naomi replies, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have
a siren."
(#1258) Jewish mother riddle
Q:  What are the two most important
things a Jewish mother needs to know about sex and marriage?
A:  Who is having sex?     
Why aren’t they married already?
(#1259) Psychology
Sophia and Hannah are discussing the best
ways to make their young sons finish their meals. Sophia says, "As an Italian
mother, I put on a fierce look and say to Primo, ‘if you don’t finish your
meal, I’m going to kill you.’ It works most of the time."
"Well, as a Jewish mother, I look mine
Isaac in his eyes and say, ‘if you don’t eat the meal I’ve slaved over
all day, I’m going to kill myself.’ It works every time."
(#1260) The procession in Marbella
Benny and Leah are on holiday in Marbella
and decide to go to a bullfight. While they are watching the grand procession
which takes place before the bullfights commences, Leah starts asking a
lot of questions. Fortunately, Benny had been to a bullfight some years
earlier during a business trip and is able to answer them.
"Benny, who’s that leading the procession?"
asks Leah.
"That’s the toreador, Leah."
"So who’s that behind the toreador?"
"That’s the matador, Leah."
"And who’s that man behind the matador,
Benny?"
"That’s the picador, Leah," says Benny,
a little fed up with all the questions.
"And who’s the little man behind the picador?"
asks Leah.
"That’s Isadore, the kosher butcher."
(#1261) The phone calls
One evening, Moshe shows his wife their
latest telephone bill. "Hette, you just have to cut down on your calls.
This bill is for over £700 and that’s a very high cost for just 3
months."
"You’re right, darling," she says, "I
promise to do my best to curtail my calls."
"Thanks," says Moshe.
Moshe starts to monitor the calls on a
daily basis and is pleased to see that Hette is keeping to her promise.
But then gradually, as he thought would happen, he sees the daily elapsed
time start to increase again.  Then one evening, as Hette dials a
number and makes another call, Moshe decides to discuss the situation with
her when she puts down the phone, whenever that will be. Fifteen minutes
later, Hette puts down the phone.
"What a surprise," says Moshe sarcastically,
"how come such a short call?"
"Oh, it was a wrong number, darling."
she says.
(#1262) Isn’t knowledge wonderful?
Hymie is sitting on a bench in Brent Cross
shopping centre with his friend Monty. Neither has spoken for 10 minutes
when Hymie suddenly says, "Do you know what, Monty?"
"No, what Hymie?"
"Mine Rivka," continues Hymie, "is very
knowledgeable. She reads the Times newspaper every day from front to back;
she watches the news on TV every hour; she reads all kinds of books and
she regularly goes to evening classes. She is so up-to-date about current
affairs that she can talk all night on any subject."
"So what?" says Monty, "Mine Sadie doesn’t
need a subject."
(#1263) Two personal adverts in a Jewish
magazine


Israeli lady age 28. Serves behind the falafel
counter in Moshe’s Deli. Looking for nice Jewish guy with a good sense
of humus.


I’m looking for the girl I met last week at
the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn (horseradish)
for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine
and cholent stains on my tie.

(#1264) Terms of endearment
Shlomo and Hetty are having breakfast
one morning when Hetty suddenly says, "You don’t talk nicely to me any
more Shlomo, not the way you used to when we first got married. I don’t
think you love me."
"Don’t love you?" Shlomo growled, "There
you go again saying, ‘I don’t love you.’ Don’t you know that I love you
more than life itself? So please shut up now and let me get on with reading
the morning papers."
(#1265) Wrong one
[My thanks to Ian $ Oz for
the following]
Monty is out on one of his favourite walks
– the one through Hampstead Heath, when all of a sudden he gets a strong
pain in his stomach and has a desperate need to go to the toilet. As he
can’t wait, he goes deep into some thick bushes so no one can see him,
lowers his trousers and pants and squats down. Naturally, Monty has not
brought any toilet paper with him, so (you should excuse him) he wipes
himself with some leaves from a nearby bush, gets dressed and continues
on his walk.
But after 5 minutes, his toches starts
to itch and after 10 minutes, the itch is almost unbearable. Monty cuts
short his walk and goes straight to his doctor.  After a brief examination,
doctor Myers says, "Monty, I believe you’ve wiped yourself with some poison
ivy."
"Oy veh," cries Monty, "what can I do?
The itching is driving me crazy."
"Don't worry," replies doctor Myers, "here’s
some powder developed just for this purpose. Go home right away, put one
teaspoon of powder in a gallon of warm water and soak your toches in it
for 20-30 minutes. If you repeat this every three hours, it will take away
the itching."
So Monty goes home, puts a teaspoon of
the powder into a large pot he finds in the bottom kitchen cupboard, fills
it with warm water, puts the pot down in the middle of the kitchen floor,
takes off all his clothes and sits in the pot. What bliss!
But then his Sarah comes home. She enters
the kitchen, sees him sitting naked in her new pot in the middle of her
kitchen floor and shouts out, "Monty, bist meshugga?"
Monty replies, "Vos tist du?" and tries
to tell her about his walk in the woods, his need to go to the toilet,
the poison ivy, the doctor and the powder.
But Sarah screams, "Nem aroyse dien flayshedika
toches fun der milchedika tepple."
(#1266) All’s fair in love and war
Kitty and Freda are having lunch together
at Brent Cross shopping centre. They know how big the portions are so they
order only one dish of ‘fried fish pieces’ which they intend to share.
They also ask for an extra plate. When the order arrives, the plate contains
one big piece of fish and one little piece of fish. Kitty and Freda politely
look at each other.
Kitty says, "Please, you choose first."
"No," replies Freda, "you can choose first."
Kitty says, "OK, I'll take first," and
puts the big piece of fish on the empty plate.
Freda is surprised. "Why did you take
the big piece? That's not very polite."
"So which piece would you have taken,
then?" asks Kitty.
"I would have taken the small piece,"
replies Freda.
"So what’s the problem, Freda," says Kitty,
"that's what you’ve got."
(#1267) Another version of The Good
Wife Guide (see also #745 32nd set)
This article (believe it
or not) is an actual extract from a Home Economics textbook printed in
the early 1960’s. It is absolutely true and it was written in a serious
manner – it was not written as a joke. So you women out there, please don’t
blame me. In fact I for one am glad things have changed in the 21st century
as much as they have!
Challenge. If anyone wants
to prepare, “The Good Husband Guide” as you think it might have been written
in the 1960’s, then send it to me.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead even the
night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return from
work. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about
him and are concerned about his needs.
Prepare yourself. Take 15minutes to rest
so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a
ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him.
His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last
trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers etc and then run a dust cloth over
the tables. During the colder months of the year you should prepare and
light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort
will provide you immense personal satisfaction.
Make the evening his. Never complain if
he goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead,
try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need
to be at home and relax. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace,
order and tranquillity. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or
even stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might
have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back
in a comfortable chair. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange
the pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and
pleasant voice. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will
always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.
Once he has had a chance to have his evening
meal, clear the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer
to help decline his offers – he may feel obliged to repeat this offer and
after a long working day he does not need the extra work.
Encourage your husband to pursue his hobbies
and interests and be supportive without seeming to encroach. If you have
any little hobbies try not to bore him speaking of these, as women’s interests
are often rather trivial compared to men’s. at the end of the evening tidy
the home ready for the morning and again think ahead to his breakfast needs.
Once you have both retired to the bedroom
prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Your tired husband does
not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train.
However, try to remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve
a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face
cream or hair rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to
a man last thing at night.
(#1268) The three Jews
Three Eastern European Jews named Berel,
Cherel and Shmerel are talking about moving to the USA.
Berel says, "When I emigrate to New York,
I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore,
they'll call me Buck."
Cherel says, "When I emigrate to New York,
I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."
Then Shmerel says, "Well I'm not going
anywhere."
(#1269) The court proceedings
[My thanks to Frank for
the following]
Judge Allen enters Court number 1 and
sits down. He feels ready for the day's business. However, the first case
involves Moshe Cohen and as soon as Judge Allen sees this elderly man with
his long white beard, peyess (side curls) and kippot, without even asking
a question, he says to the court clerk, "Get me a translator."
When the translator arrives, Judge Allen
points to Moshe and says to the translator, "Ask him his name, his age
and where he’s from."
The translator says to Moshe, "Die judge
vilt vissen, vos is dein namen, vie alt bist du, and fun vie kumst du?"
Moshe smiles, looks at Judge Allen and
replies in perfect English, "Your honour, my name is Moshe Cohen, I shall
be 82 tomorrow and I live in Oxford University where I’m professor of Hebrew
Philosophy."
The translator then turns to Judge Allen
and says, "Ehr zukt, ehr is Moshe Cohen, ehr is tzwei und achtzig yur alt,
und ehr is, mit sach Yiddish philisoph, areingekummen fun Oxford."
(#1270) Clever answer #1
Hannah worked for El Al and was stationed
at the departure gate to check tickets.  A man approached and as she
extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his overcoat and ‘flashed’
her. Without blinking, Hannah said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
your stub."
(#1271) Clever answer #2
Moshe, an experienced traffic policeman,
got out of his car, walked over to the youngster he had just stopped for
speeding, asked him to wind down his window and said, "I've been waiting
for you all day."
The youngster replied, "Yes, I know, officer,
I got here as fast as I could."
When Moshe finally stopped laughing, he
sent the youngster on his way without a ticket.
(#1272) Clever answer #3
Rivkah, a teacher, reminded her class
of the following day’s final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for your not being here tomorrow. I’ll only consider a nuclear attack or
a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but nothing
else, no other excuses whatsoever."
A smart-arse sitting at the back of the
class raised his hand and asked, "What would you say, teacher, if tomorrow
I said I couldn’t come in because I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle
their laughter. When silence was restored, Rivkah smiled sympathetically
at the student, shook her head, and replied, "Well, I guess I’d say you'd
have to write the exam with your other hand."
(#1273) Some Jewish Curses


May all your teeth fall out but one - and
may that one ache.


May you win the lottery - and spend it all
on hospital charges.


May you live in a house with a hundred bedrooms
- and may you wander every night from room to room and from bed to bed,
unable to sleep.


May you become very rich – and your widow’s
second husband never has to worry about making a living.


May you sell candles for a living - and then
may the sun never set.


May you be like a chandelier - hang by day
and burn by night.


May you eat chopped egg with onion; haimesher
cucumbers; pickled herring; gefilte fish (boiled fish cakes) with chrayn
(horseradish); lokshen soup (noodles) with knaydlach (matzo balls); salt
beef with latkes; boiled beef with tsimmes (carrots and fruit side dish);
potato pancakes with apple sauce; and tea with lemon every day - and may
you choke on every bite.


May you become world famous - in medical records.


May your mouth never close and your toches
never open.


May your wife eat pieces of matzo in bed -
and may you lie in the crumbs.

(#1274) Duplication not required
Rebecca’s husband has died and the funeral
is almost over. Rabbi Bloom goes up to her and says, "I don't think you'll
ever find another man like your late husband Morris."
Rebecca replies, "So who's looking for
one?"
go to fifty-ninth
set