(#1095) Up in the air
Sadie goes to see her psychiatrist, doctor
Myers, to get help on an issue concerning her sexual relationship with
her husband Abe.
Doctor Myers explains, "OK, but I can
only help you if you are open and honest with me. Is that agreed?"
"Yes," says Sadie.
But after just 15 minutes, doctor Myers
has to tell her, "We’re getting nowhere, Sadie. You’re too secretive. I’ll
try just once more – please reply quickly to the questions I’m going to
ask you or I won’t be able to help."
"OK." says Sadie.
"Have you ever looked directly into Abe’s
face while you were making love?" asks doctor Myers.
"Yes," replies Sadie.
"We’re making progress at last," says
doctor Myers, "So tell me, Sadie, when you looked directly into Abe’s face
while you were making love, did you see any emotion there?"
"Yes," replies Sadie, "I saw great anger
on his face."
"Excellent," continues doctor Myers, "we’re
nearly there. So when you looked directly into Abe’s face while you were
making love and saw great anger, could you please explain to me exactly
what Abe was doing at the time?"
Sadie replies, "He was up a ladder looking
at me through the bedroom window."
(#1096) Honest talking
Shlomo, who was regarded as one of the
best paid insurance salesman around, was talking to a prospect. "How much
life insurance do you have?"
"£15,000." came the reply.
"So," said Shlomo, "how long do you think
you can stay dead on that kind of gelt?"
(#1097) The magnificent symphony
God is so disenchanted with all the noisy
earthly music he keeps on hearing that he decides to do something about
it. He sits down to write a Rosh Hashanah (New Year) symphony. When he
finishes, God is very pleased with his effort. It is, he says to himself,
‘a magnificent musical symphony, exactly how real music should sound.’
Now that it’s ready, God wants his symphony
performed as quickly as possible, so he assembles the greatest musicians
of all time and invites everyone who ever lived to hear his masterpiece. 
No one could refuse.
The day of the unique concert arrives
and God himself decides to conduct his own composition. He stands in front
of a music stand made of solid gold, taps his baton for order and then
the music begins.
The first movement lasts a whole year,
but passes so quickly that no one notices. The second movement is even
more beautiful than the first and even though this lasts over 2 years,
no one seems to mind.
Now comes the third movement. This is
the longest and loveliest of all and midway through is a special solo part
- one note struck on a silver triangle. It is the highpoint of the symphony.
And guess who has been personally selected by God to strike that note?
It’s none other than Moshe.  Moshe’s family are so proud – it is such
an honour to be chosen.
Moshe stands patiently waiting his cue
- he doesn’t want to miss it. Then it comes. All the other instruments
are hushed. Moshe swings and ….. Oy Gevalt, he misses.   There
is no sound at all. The orchestra goes deathly quiet and a groan goes up
from the audience of billions.
God taps his baton on the gold music stand
for order and says, “OK everyone, lets start again from the top.”
(#1098) The gold spoon
As the catering staff are clearing up
after Benjy’s barmitzvah party, they notice that one of the gold spoons
is missing – and it’s the one from where Rabbi Bloom sat. So they tell
the hosts, Moshe and Sadie, of the disappearance.
"Can you believe it, Sadie?" says Moshe,
"But how can we call our Rabbi a gonif? We’ll just have to keep quiet about
it."
12 months later, whilst out buying bagels
one Sunday morning, Moshe finds himself next to his Rabbi.
"Moshe, I’m glad we’ve met," says Rabbi
Bloom, "what’s the problem, why have you been avoiding me?"
Moshe replies, "Now that you ask, Rabbi,
I’ve been avoiding you ever since we discovered one of our gold spoons
missing from Benjy’s party."
Rabbi Bloom says, "But why didn’t you
ask me about this. I put the spoon in Benjy’s tefillin bag. He obviously
hasn’t opened it since his barmitzvah day."
(#1099) Jewish sayings
[My thanks to Malcolm S
for the following]
1. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked
salmon.
2. Before you read the menu, read the
prices. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it.
3. But if you can afford it, make sure
you tell everybody what you paid.
4. No meal is complete without leftovers.
5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be
eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
7. If it tastes good, it's probably not
kosher.
8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means
your daughter is marrying out.
9. A shmata is a dress that your husband's
ex is wearing.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating
a thousand times.
11. Never take a front row seat at a bris.
12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after
that, how about a nice cruise?
13. Always whisper the names of diseases.
14. Without Jewish mothers, who would
need therapy?
15. The High Holidays have absolutely
nothing to do with marijuana.
(#1100) Progress
Hetty was just about to make herself a
cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there
stood a smartly dressed man.
"Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a
Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him,
"I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join
me?"
Very surprised, he agreed.
After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going
to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time
at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to
eat, we can talk later."
He was shocked at this kind offer. But
again he agreed.
When they had finished eating, Hetty said,
"OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all
about the Jehovah Witness movement?"
He was totally surprised by this and replied,
"I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."
(#1101) A riddle
Q. What is the plural for yenta?
A. Hadassah
(#1102) Spend, spend, spend
Freda comes back from her trip to Brent
Cross shopping centre and tells her Moshe that she’s just bought another
new designer dress.
"What? You must be joking," Moshe shouts
at her. "That’s the third one you’ve bought this week. Where on earth do
you think I’m going to find the money to pay for them?"
"I may be many things, darling," Freda
replies, "but inquisitive I’m not."
(#1103) The funeral discussion
Friends and family were at Finchley cemetery
for Moshe’s funeral. Just before the funeral service commenced, Rabbi Zeller
goes over to Ruth, a very elderly widow, and asks, "So how old was Moshe?"
"He was 99, kin-a-hora," replies Ruth,
"two years older than me."
"So you must be 97?" says Rabbi Zeller.
Ruth replies, "Yes, hardly worth going
back home is it?"
(#1104) A fishy story
As Moses and the children of Israel were
crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain that they
were very thirsty after walking so far. They couldn’t even drink from the
walls of water on either side of them because they were made up of salt-water.
Whilst Moses was looking around for some
fresh water, a fish from the wall of water told him that he and his friends
were willing to help. They would use their gills to remove the salt from
the water and force it out of their mouths like a freshwater fountain for
the Israelites to drink from as they walked by.
Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer
with gratitude, but the fish said there was a condition. The children of
Israel and their descendants always had to be present at the Seder meal
that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part
in the story.
When Moses agreed to this, he gave the
fish their name, which remains how they are known to this very day, for
he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
(#1105) Mother’s 11th commandment
Of the beasts of the field, and of the
fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight, you
may eat - but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and
of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
colour and unknown provenance you may eat - but not in the living room.
Of frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal
treats you may eat - but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yea,
even of those in non-spill cups, you may drink - but not in the living
room (and neither may you carry such therein).
Indeed, when you reach the place where
the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not
eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick and are lying down and
watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
(#1106) Try harder
Becky is having lunch with Hannah, the
world’s most perfect ‘Princess’.
Becky says, "My Moshe is just impossible.
Absolutely nothing pleases him. Tell me, Hannah, is your Hymie hard to
please?"
Hannah shrugs and replies,  "I wouldn't
know. I've never tried."
(#1107) Danger – English spoken here
[My thanks to Diane M for
the following]
Fact#1: The Japanese eat very little fat
- and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#2: The Japanese drink very little
red wine - and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#3: The Italians drink excessive amounts
of red wine – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Fact#4: The Germans drink lots of beers
and eat lots of sausages and fats – yet suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
Fact#5: The French eat a lot of fat –
yet suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:  You can eat and drink
what you like. It’s speaking English that apparently kills you.
Isn’t it a relief to know the truth after
all those conflicting medical studies?
(#1108) The Top Jewish Country &
Western Songs
[My thanks to Ed K for the
following]


Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been
Short With Me


Four Thousand Years of Sufferin' and I Had
to Marry You


Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights


I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking
My Heart


I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt (I Went
and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)


I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now I'm All
Cut Up)


I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose
Somebody Else)


I'm Dancin' the Hora Alone


I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?


I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted
the Sea, Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me


Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be
Gentiles


Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow
Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have just Taken Over the
Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start
and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything
Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)


My Darlin's a Schmendrick and I'm All Verklempt


My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight


My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher


New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament


Stand by Your Mensch


That Shiksa Done Made Off with My Heart Like
a Goniff


The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew
She Meant 'Goodbye'


The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan


This Bris!  This Bris!!  Unchoppable!


Why Don't We Get Drunk? - We're Jews


You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin


You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since
that Rabbi Came to Town


Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes

(#1109) Another riddle
Q: How do you stop a Jewish girl being
promiscuous?
A: Marry her!
(#1110) Letters to God written by children


Dear God, Did you mean the giraffe to look
like that or was it a mistake?


Dear God, Instead of letting people die and
having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?


Dear God, Who drew the lines around the countries?


Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed
right in the synagogue. Was that OK?


Dear God, Thanks for my baby brother, but
what I prayed for was a puppy.


Dear God, It rained during our whole holiday
and my father was so mad he said some things about you that he shouldn’t
have. Please don’t hurt him.


Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked
for anything before. You can look it up.


Dear God, If we come back as something, please
don't let me be Jennifer Levy, because I hate her.


Dear God, I want to be just like my daddy
when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.


Dear God, I think about you sometimes, even
when I'm not praying.


Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to
love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family
and I can never do it.


Dear God, Of all the people who worked for
you, I like Noah and David the best.


Dear God, My brothers told me about being
born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?


Dear God, I read Thomas Edison made light.
But in Hebrew school, I learned that you did it. I bet he stole your idea.


Dear God, I don't think anybody could be a
better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this
because you are God already.


Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill
each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

(#1111) My Yiddishe Momma - 3
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following extensions to #99 and #545]
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you're not going shopping with me."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get
home!"
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll
never grow up."
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.  Do you
think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you!"
(#1112) Princess quickies
Q:  There once was a Princess who
wouldn’t allow certain four-letter words to be spoken in her house. 
What were those words?
A:  "iron," "dust," "cook," "wash,"
...
Q:  What is a Princess’s  favourite
position?
A:  Facing Brent Cross Shopping Centre
Q:  If Tarzan and Jane were both Jewish,
do you know what Cheetah would be? A:  A fur coat.
Q:  Who was it who asked a Princess
seven times to get married?
A:  Her mother
(#1113) Walking away from dinner
Yetta and Sarah, both well known braggers,
meet one Sunday at Brent Cross shopping centre. "I held a fantastic dinner
party last night," says Yetta, "my guests had so much good food and wine
available to them that when they left to walk over to their cars, they
were all doubled-over."
Without missing a beat, Sarah replies,
"From your house they could walk?"
(#1114) Yet another riddle
Q:  What does Sadie do with her headache
each morning?
A:  She sends him to work
go to fifty-first
set