(#1355) How to get a man
Ruth is Naomi’s only child. Unfortunately
Ruth is a rather plain girl and as a result is still single at 30 - she
doesn’t even have a boyfriend. So naturally, Naomi is getting worried and
sees her chance of becoming a bubbeh fading fast. So one day Naomi decides
to have a heart-to-heart talk with Ruth.
"Darling," she says, "I’m your mother
and I love you, so please don’t get angry with me when you hear what I
have to say.  I’m getting worried about you because you won’t find
a nice man by staying at home, night after night, doing nothing but looking
sad and watching TV.  Believe me, darling, the best thing to do is
to advertise yourself in the Jewish Dating Times."
"Oh mum," says Ruth, embarrassed, "I just
couldn’t do that."
"But you could, darling," says Naomi.
"You don’t give your name, you just put in a box number where suitors send
their details about themselves. And we won’t tell a soul we’re doing it,
not even your dad."
After ten further minutes of serious discussion,
Naomi gets her way and next day they place the following advert in the
paper
CHARMING JEWISH GIRL WITH GSOH,
SLIM BUT SHAPELY, POLITE, EXCELLENT EDUCATION, COOKS GREAT MEALS, LOOKING
TO MEET KIND, EDUCATED, INTELLIGENT JEWISH MAN WITH VIEW TO MARRIAGE.
WRITE TO BOX 13
Then the waiting starts. One week later, a
reply drops through the letter box. Ruth picks it up and shouts, "Mum,
I’ve got a reply."
Ruth opens the letter, starts to read
then suddenly gasps and bursts out crying.
"What’s the matter, darling?" asks Naomi.
"It’s from dad," replies Ruth.
(#1356) You’re a …Jewish boy?
Naomi is in love with Peter and takes
him home to meet her parents, Moshe and Hetty. "Dad," she says, "I’d like
you to meet Peter. We’re in love and we would like to get married."
It soon became obvious to Moshe that Peter
wasn’t Jewish. "Now look Peter," says Moshe, "you seem a great person and
I can see why my Naomi has fallen for you. But you must understand that
we only want Naomi to marry a Jewish boy. Please don’t take it personally
- it’s what my wife and I want."
"I fully understand sir," says Peter.
"Naomi and I realised this would be the situation and so I’ve told her
I’m willing to convert to Judaism. If I did this, would you then give us
your blessing?"
Moshe thinks for a while, then replies,
"Yes, I would."
Over the following 12 months, Peter gets
circumcised (ouch), joins Moshe’s synagogue, goes to Hebrew classes, attends
shabbes services and finally takes a 6 week trip to Israel. But when he
returns to make arrangements for the wedding, he learns that Naomi has
fallen out of love with him. She doesn’t now want to marry him. Peter is
devastated and goes to Moshe to see whether he can help.
"Moshe," he says, "I agreed to convert
and become a real Jew – and I have. I’ve been circumcised, I’ve regularly
attended shabbes services and I can speak Hebrew as well as anyone. I know
all the Jewish customs and I can tell wonderful Jewish jokes.  I’m
a mensh, but Naomi doesn’t want me. What on earth can I do?"
"Marry a shiksa like all the other Jewish
boys," replies Moshe.
(#1357) The alternative solution
Sharon is very despondent about her aging
looks and makes an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. After he examines
her, he recommends she undergo a full face lift.
"Doctor," she says, "what will the operation
to give me a full face lift cost?"
"For you," says the doctor, I would estimate
£25,000."
"Oy veh, that’s far too much, doctor,"
she says. "Isn’t there something less expensive?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "you could
try wearing a veil."
(#1358) Moshe’s 3 inventions
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Moshe is an inventor, or at least he thinks
he is. After spending many months in his study working on his latest ideas,
he rings the Patent Office and books an appointment. When he arrives, the
receptionist greets him, "Good morning Mr. Levy. I see you’re booked to
meet with one of our consultants to discuss your three new inventions.
Before you do so, however, I have to fill in this form. I only need to
ask you some basic questions. Is this OK with you?"
"Yes, it’s fine, thank you," replies Moshe.
After asking Moshe the usual questions
such as name, address, nationality and age, the receptionist goes on to
ask, "And what is your first invention, Mr Levy?"
"I’ve invented a folding bottle," replies
Moshe, proudly.
"And do you have a name for it?" she asks.
"Yes, I call it a FOTTLE," replies Moshe.
"And what’s your second invention?" she
asks, smiling ever so slightly.
"I’ve invented a folding carton," replies
Moshe.
"And what do you call that?" she asks.
"I call it a FARTON," replies Moshe.
At that, she can’t help laughing as she
says, "If I may say so, Mr Levy, those are rather silly names for new products.
And the name of your carton is a bit rude too."
Moshe is not prepared to take any further
ridicule from her and walks out of the office. He doesn’t even tell her
about his third invention, his folding bucket.
(#1359) The car sale
Rivkah drives a big Lexus to her local
Lexus dealer and tells him she wants to sell it. "How much do you want
for it?" he asks her.
"I’ll be happy to accept £100,"
she replies.
The dealer is very suspicious. Well he
would be - the car is almost new and is worth at least £40,000. "I’m
not sure I want to take it," he says to Rivkah.
"Don’t get worried," says Rivkah, "let
me explain. There’s nothing wrong with the car, as well you know, as you
sold it to us only recently. But mine Bernie died two weeks ago and he
was having an affair with his shiksa secretary. I’ve just attended the
reading of his Will and in it he says his secretary should have the proceeds
from selling his car. So here I am."
(#1360) Dangerous liaison
87 years old Nathan is sitting at the
bar of his local Senior Citizens Dance Club when in walks Fay. ‘What a
beauty,’ he says to himself. Then he can’t believe his luck when she walks
over and starts chatting to him. It was love at first site for both of
them. After dating for only a few weeks, they decide to get married. 
On their wedding night, they consummate their marriage with a long and
passionate sexy romp. As soon as it ends, Fay notices that Nathan is very
quiet and still. She then realises that her new husband has died just as
he reached his climax.
At Nathan’s funeral, one of Fay’s friends
comes over to her and says, "I was so shocked to hear the news, Fay. Whatever
happened?"
"Nothing much," Fay replies, "he came
and he went."
(#1361) Satisfaction guaranteed
One day, sixty year old twins Joshua and
Shlomo are having a chat about their sex lives. Joshua says, "I must be
honest with you Shlomo, I just can’t seem to satisfy mine Esther these
days. I try hard, but I don’t succeed."
"I don’t have that problem, Joshua," says
Shlomo. "Every night, just before mine Sadie and I get into bed, I get
totally undressed in front of her and say, ‘Well, take a look. Are you
satisfied?’ Sadie just shrugs and replies, ‘yes’.   And that’s
it."
(#1362) What money can’t buy
During their business lives, Joel, Mordechai
and Emanuel did so well that they became millionaires. Now, in retirement,
they meet up in one of the most expensive hotels in the world, the ‘Mazuma
Mit Mazel’ Hotel, no less. During their conversation, it soon becomes clear
that they all have problems with deteriorating body parts.
"It’s unfair," says Joel. "Now that I
have money and I’m a widower, I could go with any of the beautiful women
who come here looking for a husband. But because of my poor eyesight, I’m
unable to see who’s beautiful and who’s not."
"I know what you mean," says Mordechai.
"Now that I have money, I could order anything from the 7 star Michelin
restaurant here – lobster, caviar, even the most expensive champagne they
sell, Krug's ‘Clos du Mesnil’, but my doctor tells me that I must stick
to things such as sardines, water biscuits, spinach and milk. With me it’s
my bad stomach."
"I too have a problem," says Emanuel.
"Take last night, for example. I’m in bed and feeling frisky so I ask mine
Sarah to roll over onto her back. But she says to me, ‘Oh no, not again,
you can’t be serious - we just made love for the third time only 10 minutes
ago. So you see, guys, with me it’s my memory."
(#1363) Leadership
Abe is sunbathing in his back garden in
Golders Green one Sunday afternoon when a small spaceship appears out of
nowhere and lands near him. A strange looking spaceman gets out, walks
over to Abe and says, "Take me to your leader."
"I can’t," replies Abe, "mine Hetty is
in Bournemouth with the grandchildren."
(#1364) Knowledge is a dangerous thing
Peter is a street trader who has set up
his pitch right outside the Golders Green synagogue. One day Jed, a friend
of Peter and also a trader, happens to walk past the synagogue and sees
Peter. "Hey Peter, I hear you’re doing very well here. What’s your secret
then?"
"It’s easy," replies Peter, "when one
of my clients comes out of the synagogue, I always say something like,
‘good shabbes Mr Levy, how was the kiddush?’ or ‘good yontif Mr Cohen,
how was the service today?’"
"But how do you remember all these words?"
asks Jed.
"It’s easy," says Peter, pointing to his
head, "I keep them right up here in my toches."
(#1365) Lunch appointment
70 year old Sidney opens his eyes and
sees a lovely lady in white staring at him. "Where am I?" he says.
"You’re in the Middlesex hospital, Mr
Green," she replies. "You had a nasty car crash 4 days ago and you’ve been
unconscious ever since you were brought in.  But don’t worry about
anything – you’re in a great hospital and we’ve got the best doctor looking
after you."
"4 days, eh?" says Sidney, "it’s no wonder
I’m so hungry. So bring me a hot salt beef sandwich on rye with mustard
and a new green cucumber and some latkes on the side."
"I’m sorry, your doctor has instructed
me not to feed you with any solids," says the nurse. "You’re being fed
rectally. Do you see that large tube down there? If you follow it, you’ll
find it is stuck up your back passage."
"Well then," says Sidney, "If this really
is the best hospital with the best equipment, please bring me two more
tubes tomorrow. Then I would very much like to invite you and my doctor
to join me for lunch."
(#1366) Someone, somewhere said these
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]


Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't
even get into my own pants.


Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're
in bed with a relative.


I saw a woman wearing a T-shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.


I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just
standing up fast.


I live in my own little world. But it's OK,
they know me here.


If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?


I love being married. It's great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore,
I am perfect.


Everyday I beat my own previous record for
the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.


Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?


Why is it that most nudists are people you
don't want to see naked?


Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

(#1367) The skier (based on a story reported
in a New Orleans paper)
Judith got back from a holiday skiing
trip with this story: -
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no
feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. But I was in distress and
told my husband Phil that I was in dire need of a rest room. He told me
not to worry because he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers. But he was wrong,
of course, and my pain did not go away.
Those in the know understand that a temperature
of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, I was weighing
my options when Phil at last picked up on the intensity of my pain and
suggested that since I was wearing an all-white ski outfit, I should go
off into the woods. He assured me that the white would provide more than
adequate camouflage and no-one would notice. So I headed for the trees,
began lowering my ski pants and proceeded to ‘do my thing’.
If you've ever stopped on the side of
a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis
so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! I had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during the most embarrassing moments.
Suddenly, I started skiing backwards, out-of-control, racing through the
trees (somehow missing all of them) and onto another slope. My toches and
the reverse side were still bare, my pants were down around my knees and
I was picking up speed. I continued skiing backwards, totally out-of-control,
no doubt creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. I skied back under
the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon, breaking my arm and
leaving me unable to pull up my ski pants. After 10 minutes of intense
embarrassment, Phil arrived and put an end to my nudie show. He then summoned
the ski patrol who transported me to a hospital.
While in the emergency room, a man with
an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to mine. "So, how did you
break your leg?" I asked, making small talk.
"It was the stupidest thing you ever saw,"
he replied. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe
my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control, down
the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over
to get a better look and fell out of the lift.   So, how'd you
break your arm?"
(#1368) What an angel
Sadie has been married for five years
and is pleased when her husband Issy starts to call her ‘an angel’. 
She likes compliments as much as the next woman, but after it goes on for
a few weeks, Sadie asks Issy, "Why do you call me an angel, dear?"
"Because," replies Issy, "you’re always
up in the air, you’re continually harping on about something and you never
have a thing to wear."
(#1369) Kind wishes
Henry says to Alan, "You should live,
please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."
"Thank you Henry," says Alan, "but why
the 3 months?"
"Because," replies Henry, "I wouldn’t
want you to die suddenly."
(#1370) Wrong one
Kitty and Anna, two elderly ladies, are
having a bite to eat in Brent Cross shopping centre one day when Anna notices
something odd and takes a long hard look at Kitty’s right ear. "Kitty,"
she says, "do you know that you've got a suppository sticking out of your
right ear?"
"You say I have a suppository in my ear?"
replies Kitty, "so let me see already."
Kitty pulls it out, stares at it for a
while, then says, "Anna, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I
know where my hearing aid is."
(#1371) A question of noodles
Aharon asks his friend Monty, "Tell me,
Monty, you’re a clever guy. This has been puzzling me for years. Why do
we call noodles ‘noodles’?"
"Well," says Monty, "it’s simple, really.
They’re soft like noodles, aren’t they? They’re also long like noodles,
aren’t they? And they certainly taste like noodles, don’t they? So why
shouldn’t we call them noodles?"
(#1372) Why I love children
Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato
ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the
bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it.
"Mummy, it's the rabbi," shouts Faye.
But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
(#1373)  Do you want the good news
or bad news?
Nathan and Hannah are celebrating Nathan’s
50th birthday on a cruise ship. Suddenly, on the evening of the 4th day,
whilst they are standing at the back of the ship watching the moon, a storm
develops from out of nowhere and a wave comes up and washes Hannah over
the side. She can’t swim and although they search for her all day, they
can’t find her. At their next port of call, the captain sends Nathan ashore
and promises that he will call him should they find something.
Three weeks go by when finally Nathan
gets a fax from the captain. It reads: -
FAX from the captain to Nathan:
I’m sorry to have to inform you that when
our deep sea divers went looking for your wife, they found her dead at
the bottom of the ocean. But there’s some good news. When we hauled her
up to the deck, attached to her toches was an oyster and in it was a large
pearl which I have had valued at £30,000.  Please advise.
Immediately, Nathan sends the following fax
back to the captain: -
FAX from Nathan to the captain:
Please send me the pearl and re-bait the
trap.
(#1374)  The best friends
Charlotte and Linda have been friends
for over 50 years and in this time, they have shared all kinds of activities
and visited many parts of the world together. Now, in the latter part of
their lives, their activities are limited to meeting twice a week to play
cards. Today was one of those card days.
Whilst Charlotte is dealing out the cards,
Linda looks at Charlotte and says, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've
been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name. I’ve
tried for five minutes but I just can't remember it. Please, please tell
me your name."
Charlotte stares at Linda for some time
before replying, "How soon do you need to know?"
go to sixtyfourth
set