Who Enemy Chelm

Who is the Enemy?
Isaac Bashevis Singer
from The
Fools of Chelm



"My idea," said Groman Ox, "is that only a war can save Chelm."

"A war?" all five sages called out in astonishment.

Until that time, Chelm had never waged war. It had a small police force and
the policemen carried sticks, but there were no soldiers in Chelm.

"Yes, a war," Gronam Ox repeated.

"A war with whom?" asked Dopey Lekisch.

"A war with the people of Gorshkov."

"What have the people of Gorshkov done that we should make war on them?"
asked Zeinvel Ninny.

"How can we make war if we have neither swords nor spears?" asked Tritel
Fool.

"How can a war with Gorshkov help us?" asked Sender Donkey. "Gorshkov is a
tiny village and the people there are even poorer than we are."

"And what guarantee is there that we will win?" put in Shmendrick Numskull.
"And who will do the fighting?"

"These are good questions," Gronam Ox declared. "Here is my answer:

"We will make war on the people of Gorshkov because they call us fools. We
Chlemites know that, of the ten measures of wisdom send town to earth from
heaven, nine went to Chelm. But the conceited people of Gorshkov think they
are the clever ones and we the fools. The only way to convince them that we
are cleverer than they is to beat them at war. It is true that we have
neither swords nor spears. But we have Zalman Blacksmith and he can make
them for us. It is true that we must buy our iron from Lublin and it is
very expensive, but our women have iron pots and pans, and since there isn't
much to cook in any case, they can just as well let their pots be turned
into swords and spears. It is also tru that Gorshkov is small and the
people are poorer than we are, but when we are victorious we will make
slaves of our enemies and they will do our work for us. And we will be able
to devote all our time to clever thoughts, as befits the wise men of Chelm.
As for the outcome of the war, there is no need to worry: for every
Gorshkov fool, there are ten wise men of Chelm. We have many young men who
go around idle; we will recruit them for the army. To be absolutely sure of
victory, we will attack Gorshkov in the dead of night, and before they wake
up to what has happened, they will have been killed or captured and made
slaves."

"Gronam Ox, you are not only the greatest sage of Chelm but of the whole
world," Dopey Lakisch proclaimed.

"When we conquer Groshkov, Chelm will become an empire," added Zeinvel
Ninny.

"Gronam Ox will be King of Chelm and Emperor of Gorshkov," said Treitel
Fool.

"The first thing we will order our slaves to do is build the King and
Emperor a castle consisting of three rooms and a kitchen," said Sender
Donkey. "One of them will be your thinking room; there your wife, Yente
Pasha, the Empress, will not be able to disturb your meditations with her
nagging and scolding."

Shlemiel opened his mouth wide and stuck out his tongue, which meant that he
wanted to speak.

"What do you have to say?" Gronam asked. "You forget that you are only a
secretary and not one of my councilors."

"Please forgive me, Super Sage, future King and Emperor. What I want to say
will benefit Chelm and contribute to the successful outcome of the war as
well."

"What is it? Be brief."

"Gorshkov is quite a distance from here -- about eight miles. There is no
road from Chelm to Gorshkov, and one has to cross a forest and a swamp to
get there. How will our heroic soldiers find their way, especially as the
battle is to take place in the middle of the night? Besides, Gorshkov has a
wall around it and the gate is locked at sundown. How will our heroes
invade Gorshkov if the gate is locked?"

There was a silence. No one had expected Shlemiel to ask such a difficult
question.

Dopey Lakisch was the first to speak. "This malicious question is a
betrayal of the Empire!" he shouted angrily.

"He should be imprisoned and ssentenced to hard labor," said Zeinvel Ninny.

"And never be set free, until the end of the world," added Treitel Fool.

"He should be hanged!" exclaimed Sender Donkey.

"To hang him once is not enough!" shouted Shmendrick Numskull. "He should
be hanged at least three times."

"My devoted councilors," Gronam said, "It is not ncecssary to be so hard on
Shlemiel. Let's not forget he is the only Shlemiel we have, and if he is
hanged even once, we will be without a Shlemiel. In any case, I have an
answer to his question."

"So quickly?" all five councilors asked as if with one voice.

"My brain wastes no time," Gronam replied. "There is a man called Haskel
who happens to have been born in Groshkov but who is married to a woman from
Chelm. He certainly knows the way to Gorshkov and he will lead us. As for
the gate, Feitel Thief is in jail serving a sentence of three hundred years
for breaking into Berel's grocery store and stealing three onions. Since he
was able to break open the lock of Berel's grocery store, he will surely be
able to unlock the one on the Gorshkov gate. I, Gronam, will set him free
and he will get our brave troops into Gorshkov without any trouble."

The councilors were so impressed with Gronam's wisdom that they were
speechless.

Shlemiel again opened his mouth wide and stuck out his tongue, but before he
could utter a word, Gronam Ox said, "Better close your mouth or you'll find
yourself a head shorter. The meeting is adjourned. It is my imperial
command that all that has been discussed at this council remain a state
secret. You are dismissed."

The news spread immediately through Chelm that Gronam Ox was preparing to
wage war against Groshkov and that the plan was a highly guarded secret.