Jokes 61 Set

(#1315) The promise
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Moshe is driving to Golders Green where
he has an important meeting to attend. But when he gets there, he can’t
find a place to park. He drives around, he waits, he even tries a bit farther
away, but all in vain. So in desperation he looks up at the sky and says,
"Oh Lord, if you will find me a parking place in the next five minutes,
I promise you I will stop gambling, I’ll eat only kosher food, I’ll stop
going with shiksas and I’ll observe shabbes properly."
Almost immediately, he sees a car pulling
out of its parking place and quickly takes its place. Again Moshe looks
up at heaven and says, "Oh Lord, there’s no need for you to find me a parking
place - I've already found one."
(#1316) Not like me
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Max leaves his house to hail a taxi and
almost immediately finds one. As he gets in, the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing, just like Hymie."
"Who’s Hymie?" asks Max.
"Hymie Gold, of course," says the cabbie,
"now there's someone who got what he wanted - like a taxi just when he
needed it. Not like me - I always have to wait ages when I need something."
"No one’s perfect," says Max.
"Except Hymie," says the cabbie. "Hymie
was a great athlete and could have played football for Arsenal. Not like
me - I’m just a couch potato."
"So am I," says Max.
"And," says the cabbie, "Hymie danced
like Astaire. Not like me – I’ve got two left feet."
"Sounds like Hymie was really someone
special," says Max.
"You can say that again," says the cabbie.
"He even remembered everyone’s birthday. Not like me - I always forget
important birthdays and anniversaries. And Hymie could fix anything in
the house. Not like me - if I change a fuse, the whole neighbourhood has
a power failure."
"Wow," says Max, "there aren’t many men
around like Hymie."
The cabbie continues. "And Hymie knew
how to treat a woman. He could always make her feel good and never answered
her back even if she was in the wrong. Not like me - I’m always getting
into arguments with my wife."
"What an amazing person," says Max, "how
did you meet him?"
"Well, I never actually met Hymie," replies
the cabbie.
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
asks Max.
"I married his widow," replies the cabbie.
(#1317) A father’s memory
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Benjy is visiting Brent Cross shopping
centre one day when a beautiful woman comes up to him and with a smile
on her face says, "Hello!"
Benjy looks at her and can’t remember
seeing her before.
Noticing the blank look on his face, she
thinks she must be mistaken and apologizes. "I'm really sorry," she says,
"but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children."
She then walks away.
Benjy at first thinks, "What’s the world
coming to when a woman can't keep track of the fathers of her children?"
Then he panics, thinking, "But just because
I don't remember her, what if she was at one of the wild parties I attended
when I was at University? Maybe I did father her child."
So he catches up with her and asks, "Are
you the girl I met at a party at Oxford University and then we got really
drunk and had wild sex behind the boat house?"
"Oh no", she replies, with a horrified
look on her face, "I'm your son's second grade teacher."
(#1318) What men are like
[My thanks to Henry M for
the following]
• Men are like …Laxatives …They
irritate the sh*t out of you.
• Men are like …Bananas …The older they
get, the less firm they are.
• Men are like …Weather …Nothing can be
done to change them.
• Men are like …Chocolate …Sweet, smooth
& usually head for your hips.
• Men are like …Commercials …You can't
believe a word they say.
• Men are like …Department Stores …Their
clothes are always 1/2 off.
• Men are like …Government Bonds …They
take sooooooo long to mature.
• Men are like …Mascara …They usually
run at the first sign of emotion.
• Men are like …Popcorn …They satisfy
you, but only for a little while.
• Men are like …Snowstorms …You never
know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will
last.
• Men are like …Lava Lamps …Fun to look
at, but not very bright.
• Men are like …Parking Spaces …All the
good ones are taken.
(#1319) Satire
Following the death of Morris Gorski,
a popular and wealthy businessman, it was discovered that a clause in his
will stated that his heirs would only be entitled to get their share of
his money by visiting his grave on a weekly basis. Surprisingly, The Jewish
Board has agreed to put a special cash machine near his grave to allow
his heirs to collect up to £750 a time when they turn up. A special
debit card has been issued to 25 of Morris’s heirs which they can use at
the graveside as well as being able to use elsewhere.
"When Uncle Morris said he was going to
do this, we thought he was joking," said his niece. I would have visited
his grave anyway, but I guess Uncle Morris wanted to ensure that other
family members got an incentive to visit him."
According to the Board, “If the test project
involving Mr Gorski proves popular, other people will get the opportunity
to have cash machines near their graves. As the forward thinking Jewish
group we are, we like to consider all ideas. Before Mr Gorski died, he
asked us if such a special cash machine was something we would consider
for him. We listened and thought it was a wonderful idea especially as
he felt it was a way to encourage family members to visit him. We consulted
with members of the Board who agreed that when the time came to honour
Mr Gorski’s request, we would."
(#1320) Wedding night advice
Joe is talking to his soon-to-be-married
son Abe. "Let me give you some advice, Abe. On my wedding night, I took
off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said, ‘Here try these on.’ 
Your mother did as she was told and said, ‘These are too big - I can't
wear them.’  So I said to her, ‘And don’t you forget it. I wear the
trousers in our house and always will.’ Ever since that night, we have
never had any problems."
Abe thought this was such good advice
that on his honeymoon, he takes off his trousers and says to his bride,
"Here Rifka, try these on."
She does, then says, "But these are too
large - they don't fit me."
Abe says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers
in our house and always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
So Rifka takes off her panties, hands
them to Abe and says, "Here, you try on mine."
Abe tries but has to admit, "I can't get
into your panties."
Rifka responds, "Exactly. And if you don't
change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
(#1321) Regular sex
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Hyman and Sadie, an elderly couple, go
for their annual medical. Hyman goes in first and after examining him,
doctor Cohen says, "You appear to be in good health, Hyman. Do you have
any medical concerns you would like to discuss?"
"Yes I do," says Hyman. "After I have
sex with mine Sadie, I’m usually hot and sweaty and then, after I have
sex with her the second time, I’m usually cold and chilly."
"That’s odd," says doctor Cohen, "I’ll
ask Sadie about it when I check her out."
Soon it was Sadie’s turn. After examining
her, doctor Cohen says, "Everything appears to be fine, Sadie. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"No doctor," she replies.
Doctor Cohen then says, "Hyman has an
unusual problem. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having
sex with you the first time and then cold and chilly after the second time.
Can you think of why this might be?"
"Oh that stupid shmuck of a husband of
mine," Sadie replies, "it's because we have sex only twice a year - once
in the summer and once in the winter."
(#1322) Open-and shut case
Nathan is talking to his solicitor. "Here’s
the deal, Abe. If you’re absolutely sure I’ll win the case, I’ll give you
the business."
"OK," replies Abe, "but before I can give
you my opinion, I obviously need to know the facts."
So Nathan goes into great detail about
his failed partnership and ends up saying, "So now you’ve heard everything,
do you think I can sue my partner and get my money back?"
"Well," replies Abe, "from what I’ve just
heard, it’s clear to me that you will win. It’s rare to have such an open-and-shut
case."
Nathan goes very white when he hears this.
"What’s the matter?" asks Abe.
"I told you my partner’s side of the case,"
replies Nathan.
(#1323) The head strike
Moshe and his friend Issy were half way
through a round of golf when a golf ball arrives out of nowhere and strikes
Moshe on the back of his head. "Gevalt." Moshe cries out, rubbing the back
of his head.
Almost immediately, Hymie arrives to apologise.
But Moshe is having none of it.
"You call yourself a golfer?" yells Moshe.
"If I had my way, I’d ban you from every North London golf club. Do you
see what you’ve done to me? My head is bleeding. I’m going to call my solicitor
as soon as I get to the clubhouse. I’ll sue you for £5,000."
"But … but," says Hymie, "didn’t you hear
me? I shouted FORE."
"OK," says Moshe, "I’ll take it."
(#1324) The flower streaker
[My thanks to Yvonne S for
the following]
Rachel and Fay, two old ladies, are sitting
on a bench outside Hendon Town Hall where a flower show is taking place.
Fay leans over to Rachel and says, "Don’t
you think life has got very boring? I just don’t seem to have fun anymore.
You know what? For £10, I'd take off my clothes and run naked right
through that stupid flower show over the road."
"You're on," says Rachel, holding up a
£10 note.
So Fay fumbles her way out of her clothes
as fast as she can. Then, completely naked, she streaks across the road
and into the front door of the flower show, leaving Rachel wondering what
will happen next. Rachel doesn’t have long to wait. She hears a huge commotion
inside the town hall, followed by loud applause. Then Fay, still naked,
bursts out of the building and, followed by a cheering crowd, runs back
over to her friend.
"Nu, so what happened?" asks Rachel.
"I won the first prize as Best Dried Arrangement,"
replies Fay.
(#1325) What a day
One afternoon Max comes home from work
to find total mayhem. His two young children are in the front garden, naked,
soaking wet and playing with the garden hose. There is food all over the
lawn, rubbish spilled everywhere and some of their plants have been pulled
up and are lying on the path.
The front door to their house is wide
open and there’s no sign of their dog. As Max enters his house, he finds
an even bigger mess. The nest of tables are lying on their sides, all the
vases have been knocked over and wet flowers are on the floor, the armchair
cushions are lying where they were thrown and one of the children has been
sick over the carpet.  The TV is blaring out and the children’s room
is strewn inches deep with toys and various items of clothing.
Max goes into the kitchen and finds the
sink full of unwashed dishes from the morning’s breakfast, none of the
food has been cleared up, the fridge door is wide open and there’s dog
food on the floor.
He’s quite worried by now and heads up
the stairs to look for his wife Fay. He has to step over yet more toys
and piles of clothes. He’s worried Fay might be ill, or even worse.
As Max passes the bathroom, water is trickling
under the door and into the hall. So he peers inside and sees wet towels,
spilt bath oils, his shaver lying on the floor and toothpaste smeared everywhere.
He turns off the bath tap and rushes to his bedroom. There he finds Fay.
She’s curled up in bed, still in her pyjamas
and reading a book. She smiles at him and says, "How did your day go, darling?"
Max looks at her bewildered and asks,
"What happened here today, Fay?"
She again smiles, "You know every day
when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do
today?"
"Yes," he replies.
"Well," says Fay, "today I didn't do it."
(#1326) A holy event
Did you hear about Rivkah who divorced
her bagel maker husband and re-married a poet?
She went from batter to verse.
(#1327) Birthday wishes
Maurice and Hettie are out shopping one
morning when Hettie says, "Darling, it’s my mother's birthday tomorrow.
What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."
Maurice replies, "How about a chair?"
(#1328) Jewish Mothers
• Mothers only offer advice twice,
when you want it and when you don’t.
• A mother’s love is a better cure than
chicken soup, but chicken soup is cheaper.
• Your mother is the only person who knows
more about you than you know about yourself.
• If you can’t remember whether or not
you called your mother, you didn’t.
• The motherly advice you ignore will
always turn out to be the best advice she ever gave you.
• If you forget, your mother will remind
you of all your mistakes so you don’t repeat them.
• Anything you do can be criticized by
your mother - even doing nothing.
• You can’t "out mother" your mother.
Don’t even try.
• Never lie to your mother. And if you
do, never think you got away with it.
• The harder you try to hide something
from your mother, the more she resembles a webcam.
• The older you are, the more you feel
like a child around your mother.
• Mother’s way is best. If you don’t believe
it, ask her.
(#1329) The Jewish Princess Recipe Book
Chapter One . . . . . . . . . . Reservations
(#1330) The barmitzvah space boy
Abe had done very well in business and
had amassed a small fortune. Now he was looking to create the most unique
and spectacular barmitzvah ever for his son David. But what should it be?
He dismissed the Barmitzvah Safari – too many families had already done
it. But then, after much investigation, Abe was sure he had cracked it
– he would rent a spaceship and David would be the first barmitzvah space
boy. He started on the plans immediately.
In due course, the spaceship took off
with his family and friends (and his Rabbi, of course) on board. When they
returned, the media was there to find out how the journey had gone.
The first person off the shuttle was the
bubbeh.
"How was the service, grandma?" asked
the Jewish Chronicle reporter.
"OK," she replied.
"And how was David’s speech?"
"OK."
"So how was the food?"
"OK."
"Everything was just OK? Why aren’t you
more enthusiastic? What went wrong?"
"There was no atmosphere."
(#1331) The miser
Jonathan had worked hard all his life
and had saved most of his earnings. He was a real miser when came to his
money, which he loved more than just about anything.
Just before he died, Jonathan said to
his wife, "Now listen, Sarah, when I die, I want you to take all my money
and place it in the coffin with me. Please do this because I want to take
my money with me to the afterlife. Promise me."
She promised she would.
Finally the day came when Jonathan died.
At his funeral, Sarah was with her best friend Rebecca.  After they
had buried him, Rebecca said to Sarah, "I hope you weren't stupid to put
all that money in there with Jonathan."
Sarah replied, "Well, I promised him -
I'm a good Jew and I can't lie.  I promised him that I would put that
money in with him."
"You mean to tell me," said Rebecca, "you
put every penny of his money in the coffin with him?"
"I sure did," said Sarah, "I got it all
together, put it into my bank account and wrote him out a cheque."
(#1332) The Harrow marathon
[My thanks to Michael W
for the following]
Sadie from Harrow is having a daytime
affair while her husband Cyril is at work. One wet and rainy day she’s
in bed with her boyfriend Morris when to her horror she hears Cyril’s car
pull into the driveway.  She looks out the window and yells to Morris,
"Quick, jump out the window, my husband's home early."
"I can't jump out the window - it's raining,"
says Morris.
"If my Cyril catches us together, he'll
kill us both," she says.  "He's got a jealous temper and a large gun.
The rain is the least of your problems."
So Morris gets out of bed, grabs his clothes
and jumps out the window. As he begins running down the street in the pouring
rain, he discovers he’s run right into the middle of the Harrow Marathon.
There’s not much he can do but continue to run alongside the real runners.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tries to blend in
as best he can. After a while, a group of runners who have been studying
him with some curiosity, jog closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" asks
one of them.
"Oh yes," replies Morris, gasping for
air, "it feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moves alongside. "Do you
always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes," Morris answers, breathlessly,
"that way I can quickly get dressed at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home."
Then a third runner casts his eyes a little
lower down and asks Morris, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Oh no," replies Morris, "only when it's
raining."
(#1333) Early suspicion
Adam stays out very late for a few nights
and Eve becomes upset. "You're running around with other women," she tells
her mate.
"Eve, darling, you're being unreasonable,"
says Adam. "You know you're the only woman on earth for me."
The quarrel continues until Adam falls
asleep, only to be woken up by a strange pain in his chest. It’s Eve poking
him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks
Adam.
"I’m counting your ribs," replies Eve.
(#1334) Shortest fairy tale ever
[My thanks to Simon C for
the following]
Once upon a time a man asked a Jewish
Princess from Golders Green, "Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
And the man lived happily ever after.
THE END
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