(#144) The Headache.
Sadie goes to see
her rabbi and complains about her bad headaches. She whines, cries, and
talks about her poor living conditions for hours.
All of a sudden,
Sadie shouts, overjoyed, "Rabbi, your holy presence has cured me! My headache
is gone!"
To which the rabbi
replies, "No Sadie, it is not gone. I have it now."
(#145) The rumpus
Maurice has a business
appointment, and he arrives a little early.  The receptionist points
to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice
settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However,
he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus
coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice
goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?"
She replies, "It's
a partners' meeting."
"But why are they
shouting at each other?" Maurice asks.
"It's a battle of
wits," she replies.
Maurice asks: "Who
is in there?", and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
(#146) The flight
Moishe was on a
flight from New York to Los Angeles. Close to him sat a beautiful girl,
really beautiful. She was hypnotising to him, so he decided to say something.
"Where are you from?"
"I'm from Miami."
"What are you doing
in NY?"
"I'm finishing my
Ph.D."
"What's it about?"
"It's a study of
which group of men gives a woman the most sexual pleasure."
"And what is the
conclusion?"
"The two groups
are Indians and Jews."
"Nice to meet you,
my name is Caramuru Goldstein!"
(#147) The deal
Joseph had just
passed his driving test, so he asked his father, who was a Rabbi, if they
could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and
said to him, "Joseph, I'll make a deal with you. You bring your school
grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month
Joseph came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of
the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Joseph,
I've been real proud of you. You have raised your school grades, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" Joseph
waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that.
You know, Samson had long hair, Abraham had long hair, Noah had long hair,
and even Moses had long hair...."
To which the Rabbi
replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"
(#148) Telling
the future
Bush was very curious
about how the Jewish people knew everything before he did. So he called
the FBI and asked them to figure it out.
One week later they
came back and said, "Mr. President, the Jews have something called shabbas.
They meet each other at the synagogue and use a code. They sit, they pray,
and there is a word that is the key to this secret. This word is 'Nu?'.
When one says to another, 'Nu?' the other tells him everything, every bit
of news."
Bush wanted to see
this for himself. So the FBI dressed him like a Hassid and taught him to
read from the right to the left of the siddur. Bush arrived at a synagogue
on shabbas and sat beside Issy. He waited for a moment, and said, "Nu?"
Issy answered, "Shh,
don’t talk now, Bush is coming."
(#149) Three sons
Three sons left
England and went to live in the USA, where they prospered. One day, they
met and discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
David said, "I built
a big house for mum."
Henry said, "I sent
her a Lexus - with a driver."
Alan said, "You
remember how mum enjoys reading the bible. Because she now can't see very
well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible. All
mum has to do is name the chapter and verse."
Soon afterwards,
a letter of thanks came from their mother.
“David, the house
you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the
whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home, so I rarely use the Lexus. And that driver has shpilkas--he's a pain
in the tuchas. But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”
(#150) The operation
The dentist told
Melvyn that he needed a tooth removed right away. The dentist asked, "Do
you want a local anesthetic?"
Melvyn shook his
head and said, "Let's not pinch pennies, doctor. Get the best--use imported."
(#151)
No joke allocated
(#152) The impossible
wish.
Tony Blair was on
holiday. He was walking along a beach one morning when he stumbled upon
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and a Genie appeared.
Tony asked if he
got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, not these days. I'm only giving
out one wish. So...what'll it be?"
Tony didn't hesitate.
He said, "See this map? I want Israel and the Palestinians to stop fighting
with each other and start loving each other instead."
The Genie looked
at the map and exclaimed, "Are you crazy??? These people have been at war
for years! I'm good, but I'm not that good. I don't think it can be done.
So make another wish."
Tony thought for
a minute and said, "You know, for some minor reason, a lot of people are
beginning not to trust me. It would be terrific if you would make everyone
trust me more. That's my wish."
The Genie thought
for a minute and said, "Hmmmmm. Let me see that map again..."
(#153) The Rabbi's
Advice.
Abe goes to see
his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked,
"What's wrong, Abe?"
Abe replied, "My
wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi was very
surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"
Abe then pleads,
"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll
let you know."
A week later the
Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on
the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
Abe anxiously says,
"Yes."
"Take the poison,"
says the Rabbi.
(#154) Saved by
the bear?
Solomon is out in
the woods when he comes across a bear. Frightened for his life, Solomon
runs as fast as he can to escape the bear and manages to hide in a cave.
But he is horrified to find that the bear has run after him into the cave
and now Solomon is trapped. He closes his eyes and begins to recite "Sh'ma
Yisrael" in anticipation of his final moments. When he is finished, he
opens his eyes and is surprised to see the bear in front of him with his
eyes closed--also praying in Hebrew. Solomon thinks to himself "How lucky
am I to be cornered by what must be the only Jewish bear in the area! We're
mishpocheh--I'm saved!" And then he listens more carefully to the bear's
prayer: "...HAMOTZI LECHEM MIN HA'ARETZ."
(#155) Quickies
Q: What's the definition
of chutzpah?
A: A boy  who
kills his parents and the begs the court for mercy because he's an orphan.
Q: What's a Jewish
Princess's favourite position?
A: lnside Brent
Cross Shopping Centre.
(#156) The two
sons
Bette and Freda
were speaking about their sons, each of whom was currently serving jail
sentences.
Bette says: "Oy,
my Benny has it so hard. He is locked away in maximum security, He never
speaks to anyone nor does he see the light of day. He has no exercise and
he lives a horrible life."
Freda says: "Well,
mine Jacob is in minimum security. He exercises every day, he spends time
in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes home each week."
"Oy," says Bette,
"You must get such naches from Jacob."
(#157) The 10
commandments
The Hebrew people
were sitting around Mt. Sinai. You could hear only a subdued murmur among
them, but you could feel the tension in the air. For hours now, Moses had
been on top of the mountain, hidden from their gaze by clouds wafting around
its top. Sometimes the clouds became dark and you could hear thunder rolling
down. In spite of the warm weather this always caused a shudder among the
waiting mass.
The end of day was
approaching and dusk was beginning to set in when suddenly a figure came
through the clouds and walked down the steep mountainside carrying a heavy
load. It was Moses.
Moses set down his
load and raised his hands. "Friends," he said, "friends, it was hard work
and I have done my best. I have negotiated with Him. I used every possible
argument, every trick I could think of--and I think I was successful. The
good news is: I brought him down from fifteen to ten. The bad news is:
Adultery is still in."
(#158) The astronaut
Morris, the Jewish
astronaut, was asked why he was packing a tie with his spacesuit.
He replied, "My
mother said that when I do a space walk I should look nice."
Later on, during
the flight, Morris became frantic and radioed mission control. "I must
make an emergency landing!"
"Why?"
"My wife called
and she wants to be picked up from the hairdresser."
(#159) RSVP.
Avrahom and Betty
were very worried. They had just received an invitation to a very high-class
wedding but couldn't figure out the meaning of the abbreviation RSVP.
"If only our son,
the graduate, was here, he'd know," sighed Betty, as she kissed Avrahom
good-bye as he left for work.
She pondered the
problem all day and finally in a moment of triumph called Avrahom at the
shop.
"Darling, I've figured
it out," she said, "RSVP means Remember Send Vedding Present."
(#160) Is sex
work?
A priest, a minister
and a rabbi were talking about whether sex was work, God's work, or pleasure.
The priest says,
"It is God's work--to procreate and produce more creatures in his image."
The minister says,
"It is a pleasure that God gave us, so that we could be fruitful and multiply."
The rabbi says "I'm
not really sure, but I do know that if it was work my wife would hire someone
to come in and do it for her."
(#161) We want
to get divorced
91-year-old Monty
and his 89-year-old wife of 66 years go to their lawyer to get a divorce.
Puzzled, the lawyer asks, "Why did you wait all this time if you were both
so miserable for so long?"
Monty replies, "We
were just waiting for the children to die."
(#162) The joke
David is telling
a new joke to Yossi.
"Yitzhak and Hymie
were talking one day..."
Right away, Yossi
interrupts him. "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do your
jokes always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic
group for once will you David!"
So David starts
again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar
Mitzvah...."
(#163) The visit
to Mars.
Two astronauts make
the first manned flight to Mars. Upon landing, they find themselves face-to-face
with a couple of green Martians.
"How do we make
contact?" asks the first astronaut.
"They look pretty
primitive. Let's impress them with some of our technology."
"OK." says the first.
He reaches into
the pocket of his spacesuit and pulls out a shiny cigarette lighter. The
Martians look interested.
"I think it's working
- light it!" says the second.
The first astronaut
turns the wheel and a flame shoots out. Immediately the faces of the Martians
turn from green to red.
"Wow!" says the
first, "they must really be impressed."
Then one of the
Martians reaches out his little green hand, points a finger at the men,
frowns, and says very sternly, "Shabbos!"
(#164) The ventriloquist
Moishe and his Scotsman
friend enter a bar with a group of their friends.
Soon everyone is
eating and drinking like it's going out of style. Eventually, it comes
time to pay the bill.
"I'll Pay!" shouts
McTavish and, with a scowl, pays the bill.
The next day, the
headline in the Times newspaper reads, "Jewish ventriloquist found murdered
in alley."
(#165) Jews in
China
Sid and Al were
sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al,
"Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know,"
Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter
came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir,
let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen. He quickly
returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?"
Al asked.
"I will check again,
sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still
gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people
are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter
returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really
sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone,"
the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato
jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
(#166)
No joke allocated
(#167) Sabbath
Violator.
Morris and Lenny
are strolling home from shul one Saturday morning. Suddenly a cab speeds
past, and their friend, Irving, is running frantically behind it, flailing
his arms wildly.
"Well," said Lenny,
"I never imagined our good friend Irving was a Sabbath violator! Look at
him running for that taxi."
"Wait a minute,"
Morris replied. "Didn't you read that book I lent you, 'The Other Side
of the Story', about the command to judge other people favourably? I'll
bet we can think of hundreds of excuses for Irving's behaviour."
"Yeah, like what?"
"Maybe he's sick
and needs to go to the hospital."
"Come on! He was
running 60 miles an hour after that cab - he's healthier than Arnold Schwartzeneger."
"Well, maybe his
wife's having a baby."
"She had one last
week."
"Well, maybe he
needs to visit her in the hospital."
"She's home."
"Well, maybe he's
running to the hospital to get a doctor."
"He is a doctor."
"Well, maybe he
need supplies from the hospital."
"The hospital is
a three minute walk in the opposite direction."
"Well, maybe he
forgot that it's Shabbos!"
"Of course he knows
it's Shabbos. Didn't you see his tie? It was his paisley beige 100% silk
Gucci tie from Italy. He never wears it during the week."
"Wow, you're a really
observant! I didn't even notice he was wearing a tie."
"How could you not
notice? Didn't you see how it was caught on the back fender of the taxi?"
(#168) A stay
in hospital
Rabbi Levy had to
spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who
was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the
crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly,
"Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled
Rabbi Levy, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
(#169) A Jewish
Mother's Letter.
Dear Darling Son
and That Person You Married,
I hope you are well.
Please don't worry about me. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe
or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands
of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten pounds
in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows
their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their
pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much
for the birthday flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll
stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week.
I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral, so
Aunt Minnie and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would
have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never
let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid
surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time
for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last
week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since
they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs
the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money,
because I know you need it for those expensive family holidays you take
every year. Give my love to my darling grand-babies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is
-- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Love, Mum
(#170) The Old
Man
Arnold had reached
the age of 105 and suddenly stopped going to synagogue.
Worried by Arnold's
absence after so many years of faithful attendance, his Rabbi went to see
him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after
all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
Arnold looked around
and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got
to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then
100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must have forgotten
about me and I don't want to remind him."
(#171) Saving
Money
Abe's son arrived
home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.
"Dad, you'll be
so proud of me," he said, "I saved a pound by running behind the bus all
the way home!"
"Oy Vey!" said Abe,
"You could have run behind a taxi and saved £10."
(#172) Moishe
Cohen
Walking through
London’s Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants,
shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the
sign, "Moishe Cohen's Chinese Laundry."
"Moishe Cohen?"
he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop
and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter. The tourist asks,
"How did this place get a name like "Moishe Cohen 's Chinese Laundry?"
The old man answers,
"Is name of owner."
The tourist asks,
"Well, who and where is the owner?"
"Me, is right here,"
replies the old man.
"You? How did you
ever get a name like Moishe Cohen?"
"Is simple," says
the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand
in line at Documentation Centre. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from
Poland.
Lady look at him
and go, 'What your name?'
He say, 'Moishe
Cohen.'
Then she look at
me and go, 'What your name?'
I say, 'Sem Ting.'"
(#173) A Good
Read
Abe is sitting on
a bench in Green Park reading an anti-Semitic Newsheet. Solomon, his best
friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops --- in shock.
"What are you doing
reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the Jewish Chronicle!"
Abe replies, "The
Jewish Chronicle has stories about inter-marriage, anti-Semitism, problems
in Israel---all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about
good news. This semitic paper says the Jews have all the money...the Jews
control the banks...the Jews control the press... the Jews control Hollywood.
Better to read nothing but good news!"
(#174) The plaque
One Saturday morning,
the rabbi noticed little David was staring up at the large plaque that
hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names and small
British flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had
been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood
beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, David."
"Good morning, Rabbi,"
replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.
"Rabbi, what is
this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's
a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly, they stood
together, staring at the large plaque. Little David's voice was barely
audible when he asked, "Which one, the Friday night or the Saturday service?"
(#175) Shadchen
1
A shadchen, having
sung the praises of a female client, brought his excited male prospect
to see her.
Cyril took one look
at the girl to whom the shadchen elaborately introduced him and recoiled.
"What's the matter?"
asked the shadchen.
"You said she was
young," whispered Cyril, "but she's forty if she's a day! You said she
was beautiful, but she looks like a back of a bus! You said she was shapely,
but she's fat enough for two! You said --"
"You don't have
to whisper," said the shadchen. "She's also hard of hearing."
(#176) Shadken
2
A shadken goes to
see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son."
Martin replies,
"I never interfere in my son's life."
The shadken responds,
"But the girl is Lord Rothschild's daughter."
"Well, in that case..."
Next, the shadken
approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter."
"But my daughter
is too young to marry."
"But this young
man is already a vice president of the World Bank."
"Ah, in that case..."
Finally, the shadken
goes to see the president of the World Bank.
"I have a young
man to recommend to you as a vice president."
"But I already have
more vice presidents than I need."
"But this young
man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law."
"Ah, in that case...."
(#177) God’s Email!
One day God was
looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided
to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
When the angel returned,
he told God that it was indeed bad on Earth. He reported that 95% was bad
and 5% was good.
God thought a moment
and decided He had better send down a female angel to get both points of
view.
When the female
angel returned she confirmed that Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and
5% was good.
God thought about
what He could do about the situation and decided to e-mail the 5% that
were good with a little pep-talk, some praise, something to encourage them,
something to help keep them going.
Do you know what
the e-mail said?....
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
No???
/
/
/
/
/
/
/...
Oh! YOU didn't get
one either.
(#178) Hagbah!
In their infinite
wisdom, the gabbaim gave hagbah to Moshe, the puniest guy in the shul.
With great effort, Moshe manages to complete the act but nearly faints
in doing so. He then vows he will never be embarrassed like that again.
He joins a local gym and commences a six months heavy training course -
push ups, sit ups, chinning, weight lifting, 10Ks - the whole thing.
Six month’s later,
he's back in shul and the Gabbaim call him up again. This time Moshe picks
up the Sefer like it was made of feathers, and flips it in the air. While
the Torah is spinning, Moshe does a somersault and gets on his feet just
in time to catch the falling Torah. He then turns to the Gabbaim and says,
"What do you think of that, then?"
The Gabbai replies,
"Very nice, but we gave you Shishi."
(#179) Abe and
Moshe!
Abe ran into Moishe
one afternoon. "Moishe, nu? What's new?"
"Abe, I'm into racehorses
at the moment. I have a couple of real winners and have won a lot of money
already."
"How can I get into
it, Moishe?"
"Well, I have a
horse I'm looking to sell. It has had 24 starts and won nine of them. I'll
let you have it for £120,000."
Abe agreed and gave
Moishe a cheque for £120,000.
Three days later,
Abe was excitedly waiting at the front gate for his horse to arrive. The
horse van pulled up and inside was a dead racehorse.
A month later, Abe
runs into Moishe, who has been avoiding him the last few weeks.
"Moishe, nu? What's
new?"
"Umm, things are
well. And with you?"
"Things are great!"
"Abe, you're not
upset I sold you a dead racehorse?"
"Not at all Moishe.
In fact, it made me a lot of money."
"How is that? It
was dead!"
"Well, I had a raffle.
I sold 100,000 tickets at £5 a ticket with the horse as the prize."
"Wasn't the winner
upset he won a dead racehorse?"
Abe shrugs, "so,
I gave him back his £5!"
(#180) Exclusive
Clubs!
O'Brien kept nudging
Cohen to let him play at his Jewish Country Club. Cohen told him that only
Jews could play golf there.
He drove him crazy
for months and he finally gave in but warned him that if anyone asked,
his name was Goldberg. If asked what his occupation was, he was a manufacturer.
O'Brien asked what kind of a manufacturer should he be and he told him
to say that he made tallis.
Sure enough, after
playing 18 holes, he's approached by one of the members. He said that he
hadn't seen him before and asked his name.
He replied, "My
name is Goldberg."
"What do you do
for a living, Mr. Goldberg?"
He replies, "I'm
a manufacturer."
"What do you manufacture?"
"I make tallises."
"You know, I always
wanted to know what the Hebrew letters on the neck of the tallis meant.
Can you tell me?"
O'Brien said, "to
tell the truth, I only make the sleeves".