(XXX#115) End of an affair?
Yitzhak comes home one day to find his
wife Rivkah crying. "What’s the matter, darling?" asks Yitzhak.
"I’ve just found out that you've been
having an affair with your secretary. How could you do this to me? Haven't
I always been a good wife to you? Haven’t I cooked for you, raised your
children and always been by your side when you needed me? What have I done
to make you unhappy?"
Yitzhak confesses, "It's true, you really
are the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways -
except one."
"What’s that?" asks Rivkah.
"You don't moan when we make love," replies
Yitzhak.
"Do you mean that if I did moan," says
Rivkah, "you'd stop running around? In that case, let’s go to bed now so
I can show you that I can moan during love making."
So they go upstairs, get undressed and
get beneath the sheets.
As they kiss, Rivkah asks, "Now, Yitzhak,
should I moan now?"
"No not yet."
Yitzhak begins fondling Rivkah. "What
about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when."
He climbs on top of Rivkah and they begin
to make love.
"Is it time for me to moan, Yitzhak?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Then, seconds before reaching climax,
Yitzhak yells, "Now, Rivkah, moan."
"Oy vay! You wouldn't believe what a day
I’ve just had!"
(XXX#116) Sleeping problems
Leah has a problem with her Issy and goes
to see her therapist. "Doctor, I need your help with a serious problem.
Whenever my Issy and I are in bed together, he always lets out a loud scream
when he climaxes."
"But that’s quite common, Leah, in fact
it’s completely normal. There really isn’t anything I can do."
"But doctor, my problem is that it wakes
me up."
(XXX#117) Early desires
One day, Rebecca asks her class, "Children,
can anyone tell me what they would like to have when they grow up?
Little Leah puts up her hand and replies,
"Teacher, when I grow older all I want is four animals."
Rebecca asks, "Is that so, Leah, and what
four animals would they be?"
Leah replies, "A mink on my back, a jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in my bed and an ass to pay for it all."
(XXX#118) Decisions, decisions
[My thanks to Alex for the
following]
Sadie bumps into her friend Rachel in
Brent Cross shopping centre. "You’re looking very tired today, Rachel.
Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Rachel, "but it was all
very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so
I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow, fantastic," says Sadie, "so what
were the choices he gave you, Rachel?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent,
sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my Issy a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Rachel, what did
you choose?"
"I can’t remember," replies Rachel.
(XXX#119) The special
Hetty was enjoying a good game of bridge
with her friends when she suddenly shouted out, "Oy Vay, look at the time.
I must get home quickly and fix dinner for mine Moshe. He's always so angry
if it's not ready on time."
But when she got home, she quickly realised
that she hadn’t done her weekly shopping and all she had in the fridge
was a hard-boiled egg, some parsley and a tin of Whiskers cat food. But
our Hetty was quite resourceful - she scraped out the cat food onto a plate,
added some slices of egg, put parsley around the food, added a dollop of
tomato sauce and put the plate on the table, just as Moshe arrived home.
She met him at the front door with a kiss,
led him to the table and then watched anxiously as he sat down to eat.
To her great relief, Moshe enjoyed her concoction. "Hetty, this new dish
is the best meal you’ve made in a long, long time. Please make it for me
regularly."
After that, Hetty made Moshe his ‘special’
every bridge night. And then ….she told her bridge group her secret.
"But my dear Hetty, you can’t let him
eat it – apart from not being kosher, it’s likely to kill him in due course,"
said one. And 6 weeks later, he did indeed die.
When her bridge friends came around to
pay their respects, one of them said, "You killed him, Hetty. We told you
he would die if he kept on eating cat food."
But Hetty answered, "For what it’s worth,
I definitely did not kill mine Moshe. He fell off the piano while he was
licking himself."
(XXX#120) Inflation
[My thanks to Alex for the
following]
Hannah has had a tiring day at the office
and is now on her way home to Hendon. She gets on a tube train at Bank
station and, as usual, is dismayed to find it packed. Everyone is squashed
together like sardines.  But this time, things get worse.
During the next 10 minutes, she becomes
more and more aware of the man standing behind her - so much so that when
the train reaches Euston, she turns to him and without attracting other
passengers’ attention, says, "I can feel something hard rubbing against
my backside. Please remove it."
The man quietly replies, "There’s no need
to get panicky. I got paid today and what you feel is a roll of £50
notes in my pocket."
"So are you telling me that between Bank
and Euston your salary doubled?" says Hannah.
(XXX#121) Surprise in a lift
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Moshe, just 5 feet tall, is in a lift
on his own when, on the 3rd floor, a giant of a man gets into the lift
with him. He’s so big that Moshe just can’t help staring up at him. The
giant sees Moshe staring at him and says, "Yes, I’m big, aren’t I? I’m
7 feet 3 inches, 330 pounds, 15 inch penis, 2 pounds each testicle, Turner
Brown."
Moshe says, "Oy Vay," and immediately
faints to the floor. The giant kneels down and starts to gently slap Moshe’s
face and shake him. When Moshe gains consciousness, the giant asks him,
"Is there anything wrong with you?"
In a croaky voice, Moshe replies, "What
exactly did you say to me just before?"
The giant replies, "I saw the look on
your face when you first saw me and thought I’d give you answers to the
questions going through your mind. So I told you I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall,
weigh 330 pounds, have a 15 inch penis, each of my testicles weigh 2 pounds
and my name is Turner Brown."
Moshe says, "Thank goodness, I thought
you said, 'turn around.'"
(XXX#122) Not quite “Weakest Link”
Freda is 75 years old and lives in a retirement
home in Golders Green. One day, she bursts into the games room where a
number of men are playing tiddlywinks and draughts, holds her clenched
left fist in the air and announces, "If anyone here can guess what's in
my hand, they can make love to me tonight in my room."
An elderly gentleman stops what he’s doing
and replies, "Is it a plate of salt beef and latkes?"
Freda thinks for a few seconds and says,
"Yes, that’s close enough."
(XXX#123) The other side
Hyman and his wife Yetta never got on
in their latter years and when Hyman died after a long illness, Yetta put
an announcement in the Jewish Chronicle newspaper stating that he died
of gonorrhoea.
As soon as Hyman’s sister read the paper,
she phoned Yetta. "You know perfectly well that Hymie died of diarrhoea,
not gonorrhoea."
Yetta replied, "Of course I know he died
of diarrhoea – after all, who was it who nursed Hyman night and day? Nevertheless,
I thought my announcement would be a better way for people to remember
him  - as a great lover rather than the big shit he was."
(XXX#124) The warning
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Issy, Benny and Howard went everywhere
together. They were not only friends but also three very different people.
Issy was an alcoholic, Benny was a heavy smoker and Howard was gay. However,
over the years, all three became desperately ill so one day they decided
to see a doctor to discuss their options.
The doctor examined each one in turn and
when he had written up his notes, he looked up and with a very serious
look on his face, addressed all three of them. He said, "It’s very clear
to me that if you continue to indulge in your abhorrent vices, even just
once, you will die. Please believe, I know what I’m talking about."
Each one left the surgery determined never
again to indulge in his vice. However, on their way home, they passed a
wine bar. Issy heard the loud music, he smelled the drink and without thinking,
led his friends inside and ordered a glass of wine. As soon as he had finished
the drink, he fell dead on the floor.
Benny and Howard were totally shaken when
they left the bar. They now realized more than ever the seriousness of
their doctor’s warning.
As they continued home, Benny saw a cigarette
end lying in the gutter. It was still alight but before Benny could do
anything, Howard put his hand on Benny’s shoulder and said, "You know,
if you bend down to pick up that cigarette end, we're both dead."
(XXX#125) The dust cloud
It’s 6.30am and the alarm clock goes off
in Hymie and Becky’s bedroom. Hymie awakes and starts to get ready for
work. He takes a pair of fresh underpants from his wardrobe and is surprised
to see white powder fall from them. So he shakes them a bit and creates
a mini dust cloud.
"Becky," he says to the figure still in
bed, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
Becky replies, "I didn’t, darling. It's
not talcum powder, it's 'Miracle Gro'."
(XXX#126) Yiddish Proverb
When the penis stands, the brains get
buried in the ground.
(XXX#127) Slippery customer
Ruth was having a conversation with her
best friend Sadie. "Do you know what happened last night, Sadie? Mine Abe
walks into our bedroom and gives me a tube of KY Jelly."
"Why did he do that?" asks Sadie.
"Well, he told me he bought it for me
to make me happy. But immediately he gave it to me, he goes downstairs
to watch football on TV. What a chutzpah, and me with my new sheets."
"But did it work?" asks Sadie.
"Yes, Abe was right - it did make me happy.
When he left the room, I squeezed it over the bedroom door handle and mine
Abe couldn't get back in."
(XXX#128) Appearances are deceptive
Cyril was the black sheep of his family
and decided to live in a nudist colony. One day, he was surprised to receive
a letter from his grandma. In her letter, she told him that she was the
only one who still wanted to remain in contact with him and she asked him
to send her a current photo of himself in his new neighbourhood. The only
recent photo he had of himself was one of him in the nude. Too embarrassed
to remind her that he now lived in a nudist colony, Cyril cut the photo
in half but accidentally sent her the bottom half of the photo. When he
realised he’d sent the wrong half, he got quite worried, but then remembered
how bad his grandma's eyesight was and assumed she wouldn’t notice.
Some weeks later, Cyril received a reply
from his grandma. It said: -
"Thank you bubbeleh for the
photo. But please, for your grandma, change your hairstyle - it makes your
nose look short.
Love Grandma"
(XXX#129) Double trouble
Melvyn ordered a new pair of reading glasses
and went to his opticians to collect them. When he got them, he rang Rose
to pick him up. On their way home, they stop off at their local coffee
shop for a bite to eat.  As they looked at the menu, Melvyn said,
"Rose, I can only see everything double with these new glasses, so please
order for me - I’m going to the toilet."
When Melvyn came back, the front of his
trousers were soaking wet. "Oy vay," said Rose, "what happened?"
"Well I'll tell you," said Melvyn, "As
I was standing in front of the urinal, I looked down and I saw two, so
I put one back."
(XXX#130) Adam and Eve’s choice
After God completed the world, he found
he still had two things remaining to give out. He quickly decided to give
one to Adam and one to Eve and he’d let each choose which one they wanted.
When he told them what he aimed to do, they asked what his give-aways were.
So God explained, "One of the items is
a thingy that allows its owner to pee while standing up. It's very useful.
The other thing I have is ………"
But Adam was no longer listening. As soon
as he heard about the ‘stand-up-peeing’ device, he started jumping up and
down like an excited little boy. "I’d love one of those," he said. "To
be able to do that would be just brilliant. Please God, let me have it."
God turned to Eve and said, "Nu? So what
do you think?"
Eve just smiled and replied, "As Adam
desperately wants it, let him have it."
Adam was thrilled to receive it and immediately
used it on the flowers. He then ran off to write his name in the sand.
God watched Adam for a few minutes, then
turned to Eve and said, "Well, here's the other thing, it’s all yours."
"What's it called?" said Eve.
"A brain," replied God.
(XXX#131) Hold on
Rifka and Sam are Londoners on their first
driving holiday in the USA. Everything is going well until driving through
a remote part of Arizona, their car breaks down. Luckily, an Indian on
horseback sees their predicament, rides up to them and offers to take one
of them to a nearby town to get help.
Sam says to Rifka, "Darling, I think it
best that you go with him to this town while I stay here to protect our
car and its contents. When you get there, find someone who can fix the
car. Be careful and I’ll see you soon."
So Rifka climbs up behind the Indian and
off they ride.
They had been going for only a few minutes
when the Indian suddenly lets out an ear piercing, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a,"
and he repeats this scream every 5 minutes or so until they arrive in town.
He rides over to the local garage, helps her down, and then rides off with
one final screeching, "Y-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-H-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a."
"Wow," says the garage owner, "how did
you get that Indian so excited?"
"I didn’t do anything, honest," replies
Rifka, "All I did was sit behind him on his horse, with my arms around
his waist and holding onto the saddle horn to keep me from falling. That’s
all."
"Lady," says the garage owner laughing,
"Indians never use saddles."
(XXX#132) Home comforts
Maurice and Estelle were not having a
good sex life. After yet another listless love making session, Maurice
decided to confront Estelle. "How come you never tell me or indicate when
you have an orgasm?"
Estelle looked at Maurice with contempt
and replied, "You're never home."
(XXX#133) Death wishes
Even though it was Issy and Yetta’s 40th
wedding anniversary, they still had their inevitable, regular quarrel.
Only this time, it was more serious than ever before.
Issy shouted, "When you die, Yetta, I'm
going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Yetta - Cold As Ever.'"
"Oh yes?" she replied, "When you die,
Issy, I'm going to get you a headstone which says, 'Here Lies Issy - Stiff
At Last.'"
(XXX#134) Definition of a Jewish ménage-a-trois
Two headaches and a hard-on.
 
go to seventh set