Genesis1retold

Genesis 1


In the beginning G-d created Dates. And the date was Monday, July 4,
4004 B.C.. And G-d said, let there be light; and there was light. And
when there was Light, G-d saw the Date, that it was Monday, and he got
down to work; for verily, he had a Big Job to do.

And G-d made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and pre-Cambrian
limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus
erectus skulls and Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave
paintings at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.

And G-d saw that he had made many wondrous things, but that he had not
wherein to put it all. And G-d said, Let the heavens be divided from the
earth; and let us bury all of these Things which we have made in the
earth; but not too deep. And G-d buried all the Things which he had
made, and that was that. And the morning and the evening and the
overtime were Tuesday.

And G-d said, Let there be water; and let the dry land appear; and that
was that. And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water called
he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he crude oil, grades one
through six; and natural gas put he thereunder, and prehistoric
carboniferous forests yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and
all these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant. And likewise
all that was in the sea, even unto two hundred miles from the dry land ,
called he resources; all that was therein, like manganese nodules, for
instance. And the morning unto the evening had been a long day; which he
called Wednesday.

And G-d said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every moving creature
I can think of, with or without backbones, with or without wings or
feet, or fins or claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now ; and let
each one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make whatsoever I like,
whensoever I like. And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
great and small, with and without backbones, with and without wings and
feet and fins and claws, vestigial limbs and all, from bugs to
brontosauruses. But G-d blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.

And G-d looked upon the species he hath made, and saw that the earth was
exceedingly crowded, and he said unto them, Let each species compete for
what it needed; for Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species
competeth amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things; and
some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the dinosaurs and G-d
was pleased. And G-d took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused them
to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the land and the sea. And
he took every tiny creature that had not madeth it, and caused them to
become fossils; and cast he them about likewise. And just to put matters
beyond the valley of the shadow of a doubt G-d created carbon dating.
And this is the origin of species. And in the Evening of the day which
was Thursday, G-d saw that he had put in another good day's work.

And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness, which is
tall and well-formed and pale of hue: and let us also make monkeys,
which resembleth us not in any wise, but are short and ill-formed and
hairy. And God added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
fowl of the air and every speices, endangered or otherwise. So God
created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed and pale of hue
created He him, and nothing at all like the monkey.

And G-d said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is
upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt not smoketh it, lest it giveth
you ideas. And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air I
have given also every green herb, and to them it shall be for meat. But
they shall be for you. And the Lord G-d your Host suggesteth that the
flesh of cattle goeth well with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall
Surf be wedded unto Turf.

And G-d saw everything he had made, and he saw that it was very good;
and G-d said, It just goes to show Me what the private sector can
accomplish. With a lot of fool regulations this could have taken
billions of years. And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, G-d said, Thank Me it's Friday. And G-d made the
weekend.