Jokes 02 Set

(#63) The car ride
Moshe was at his golf club and went into
the clubhouse to see whether anyone could offer him a lift to Hendon. His
own car was off the road being serviced.
"Sure," said Morry, "I'll give you a lift.
My Rolls Royce is just outside."
As they're driving along, Moshe says,
"Morry, what's that thing on the dashboard ticking all the time?"
"That's my digital clock."
A few minutes later, Moshe asks, "And
what's that thing on the dashboard moving up and down?"
"That's my tachometer," says Morry.
Then a few minutes after that, Moshe starts
to ask, "But what's that...."
"Hold on a minute, Moshe," says Morry,
"I can see you've never been in a Rolls Royce before."
"Never in the front seat." says Moshe.
(#64) up to (#68)
Please note that there are no jokes for
these numbers!
(#69) The witness
Abe, an elderly man, was in the witness
box.
"How old are you?", asked the attorney.
"I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo."
"What did you say?"
"I said I am, kayn ahoreh, eightytwo years
old."
"Please just give a simple answer to my
question," said the attorney, "How old are you!?"
"Kayn ahoreh, eightytwo." replied Abe.
The judge then intervened, "If you don't
want to be held in contempt of court, the witness will answer the question
and only the question."
The defence counsel then got up and said
to the judge, "Your Honour, may I ask the witness?" and turned towards
Abe.
"Kayn ahoreh, how old are you?"
Abe replied, "Eightytwo."
(#70) At the hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair
dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how's that daughter
of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married
a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up
her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because
he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid,
or worry about my 2 lovely  grandchildren, because he got her a live-in
nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how's your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married
a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out
to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made
him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get
a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get
her a nanny."
(#71) The missing years
Moshe was eating in a Chinese restaurant
and was chatting to his Chinese waiter.
Moshe commented upon what a wise people
the Chinese were.
"Yes," replied the waiter, "we're wise
because our culture is 4,000 years old. But Jewish people are also very
wise, are they not?"
Moshe replied, "Yes, we are. Our culture
is 5,000 years old."
The waiter was surprised to hear this.
"That can't be true," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand
years?"
(#72)
No joke allocated
(#73) The best slalom skier in the world
As you may know, in a slalom race the
skier must pass through about 20 gates as quickly as possible. Surprisingly,
one year Israel had Avrahom, the fastest slalom-skier in the world, and
had great expectations for a Winter Olympics gold medal.
The day of the final came, and the crowd
waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 58
seconds. The Swiss was clocked at 58.7 seconds, the German at 61.8 seconds,
and the Italian at 61.1 seconds.
Then came the turn of Avrahom. The crowd
waited, and waited...and then Avrahom crossed the line in .....three minutes!
"What happened to you?" asked the team
coach when Avrahom finally got back.
Avrahom replied, "Which one of those bastards
fixed a mezuzah to each gate?"
(#74) Issy the ventriloquist
Issy had received no work for six months.
So he went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.
His agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists,
but there's plenty of work for psychics."
So Issy went home and hung a psychic sign
outside his house. Within an hour, a woman knocks on the door and says,
"I want to talk to my deceased Bernie. How much will it cost me?"
Issy replies, "If you just talk to him,
£50. If he talks to you, a bit more, £70. But if you talk to
each other while I'm drinking a glass of water, that will be £150."
(#75) Chanukah story
Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks
and maidels,
Not a sound could be heard, not even the
dreidels.
The menorah was set on the chimney, just
right,
In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a
bite.
Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay
and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay!
Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt,
while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah
gelt.
The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin,
and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken.
A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas,
Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas.
I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei,
while Bubba was now on the herring and
rye.
I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes,
While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those
latkes.
To the window I ran and to my surprise,
A little red yamulke greeted my eyes.
When he got to the door and saw our menorah,
"Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Kenehora.
I thought I was in a goyisha hoise,
but as long as I am here, I'll leave a
few toys."
With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a
yid?"
"Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus,
kid."
"Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a
dish,
A guppell, a schtickla fish."
With smacks of delight, he started his
fressen,
Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach
gegessen.
Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps,
For when it came to eating, this boy was
the tops!
He asked for some knishes with pepper and
salt,
but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!"
Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the
tisch,
and said, "Your kosher essen is simply
delish."
As he went to the door, he said "See you
later.
I'll be back next Pesach, in time for
the seder."
More rapid than eagles his prancers they
came,
as he whistled and shouted and called
them by name:
"Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now
Sammy,
now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny."
He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight,
"A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a
good night."
(#76) Three wishes
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president
were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked
the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they
replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately
after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to
give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted
to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers
replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to
sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting
two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers
asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."
(#77) The cow
A Polish town had just one cow to its
name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a
replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave
lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.
Then the people decided they would mate
the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their
milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.
But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to
mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to
mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all
day.
In desperation, the people asked their
rabbi what to do - he was very wise.
"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our
cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and
vice versa. What shall we do?"
The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you
buy a Minsk cow?"
"Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise.
We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?"
The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk."
(#78) The dry cleaners
Jacob needs his tallis cleaned, so he
takes it to the best dry-cleaners in Golders Green, Yu Feng Zo Cleaners.
They tell him to come back in a week. When he returns, they give him the
tallis and an invoice for £50.
"Fifty pounds to clean just one small
tallis?" Jacob says.
"No," replies Yu Feng, "Five pounds to
clean the tallis, fourty five pounds to take out all those knots!"
(#79) The phone call to God
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome.
While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to
talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does
such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well
worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to
see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone.
"I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"Twenty pence a minute," shrugged the
chief rabbi.
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked,
"the Pope has a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the Chief Rabbi, "From
here it's just a local call."
(#80) and (#81)
No jokes allocated
(#82) The car crash
Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into
a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly
neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi
Bloom sees the priest's collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. You're a priest and I'm a rabbi so it must
be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace the rest of our days."
Father Michael replies, "I agree with
you completely. This truly must be a sign from God."
Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here's
another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn't
break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
He hands the bottle to the priest.
Father Michael takes a few big swigs and
passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands
it back to the priest.
Father Michael asks, "Aren't you having
any wine?"
"No. I think I'll just wait for the police,"
says Rabbi Bloom.
(#83) The wedding
Sam calls his grandma from New Mexico.
"It's so nice to hear your voice, my Sammela.
Tell me, what's new?"
"I'm getting married, grandma."
"My Sammela is getting married, how wonderful.
Tell me all about her, tell me about her family."
"Well, they're not like our people, grandma,
they're native Americans."
"So, they are first generation."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. They
live on a reservation."
"Sammela, so what. Your own mother couldn't
cook at all until I taught her, and she was always making reservations."
"No, grandma, you don't understand. We
are getting married in a teepee."
"Oh, that's nice. Nu, so when is the wedding?"
"But grandma, I have to tell you that
you won't be able to come to the wedding."
"But why Sammela, your grandma has to
be at your wedding?"
"I'm sorry, but only native Americans
and persons with Indian names can attend."
"Well, then, I will be there."
"How grandma, you don't have an Indian
name."
"Yes Sammela, I do."
"What, grandma, what's your Indian name?"
"Sitting Shiva."
(#84) riddle
Q: What's the definition of chutzpah?
A: A boy who kills his parents and then
begs the court for mercy - because he's an orphan.
(#85) Memories
Moishe, 79, was talking to Yankel, 83,
who had just dropped in for a chat and a moan.
"Moishe, I'm not the same any more. I
can't remember so many things!"
"It vas the same thing mit myselve! But
I took a memory course."
"Vos? Does this help?"
"Sure it does."
"So Moishe, tell me how this vorks."
"This is called mnemonics. You take something
that reminds you of other things and so it goes."
"I vant to take this course! Vat is it
called?"
"It is called...hum...the name...oy vay...Vait!
Vat do you call that flower which people in love give to their girlfriends?"
"A rose, right?"
Moishe immediately shouts upstairs, "Rose,
Rose my darling, what is the name of that memory course we took?"
(#86) JEWISH PERSONAL ADS
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to
attend shule, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together,
attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.
Your place or mine? Divorced man, 42, with
fleishig dishes only. Seeking woman with nice milchig set. Object macaroni.
POB 77.
Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired
senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, krechtzing.
Under 30 is also OK. POB 64.
Successful orthodox diamond cutter. Both
Shea and Yankee Stadium. No Shabbos games. Will not mow lawn during s'firah.
Seeking wife. POB 41.
Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for
the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah.
POB 50.
Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys
Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva
Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB
90.
Shul gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday
morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.
Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to
meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must.
POB 677.
Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate,
seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house.
POB 843.
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!
Write. POB 74.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart,
independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB
53.
All my friends are doing it, and quite
frankly, I feel left out. Jewish woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
POB 655.
(#87)
No joke allocated
(#88) The proud mother
Harry Goldberg has been elected the next
president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse.
He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the
inauguration.
Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been
elected president, won't you come to my inauguration?
Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains.
I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time.
Harry: Momma! You will take no train.
Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes.
Come to my inauguration, please...
Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher
food! Nahh, maybe next time.
Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White
House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come.
Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear!
Harry: I have someone on his way to take
you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!!
Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come.
Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the
front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become
the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and
says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother is a very successful doctor!"
(#89) A matter of life and death
A rabbi and a priest are the lone passengers
on a plane. Suddenly, the plane's engines conk out. Immediately, the priest
grabs the only parachute and jumps out.
The pilot asks the rabbi, "How will you
survive?"
The rabbi answers, "Don't worry about
me, the priest took my tallis bag by mistake."
(#90) The builder
A cruise liner goes down in the Pacific
and Benny is the only survivor. He manages to swim to an uninhabited island.
Many year's later, when a search party
finally comes to rescue him, they see that he has constructed two synagogues
on his tiny island.
"Why the two synagogues?" the leader asks
Benny.
Benny points to the nearest one and replies,
"That's the one I go to every Saturday. The other one, I wouldn't go inside
if you paid me!"
(#91) The end
Moishe had just had a medical check up.
"I hate to be the one to break it to you," said the doctor, "but you've
only got about 6 months to live."
"Oh my God" gasped Moishe, turning white.
A few minutes later, after the news had
sunk in, Moishe said, "Doctor, you've known me a long time. Do you have
any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"
"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.
Moishe replied that he had been a bachelor
his whole life.
"You might think about taking a wife,"
said the doctor, "after all, you'll need someone to look after you during
the final illness."
"That's a good point," said Moishe, "and
with only 6 months to live I better make the most of my remaining time."
"May I make one more suggestion?" asked
the doctor, "marry a Jewish girl."
"A Jewish girl? Why?" asked Moishe.
"It'll seem longer."
(#92) The theft
Did you hear about the thieves that broke
into the United Jewish Appeal offices?
They got away with over a million dollars
in pledges!
(#93) How you can tell...
How you can tell that the person next
to you has not been to synagogue too often?
1. "Hey, my book is back to front."
2. "Isn't it impolite to talk when the
minister is talking?"
3. "I get the standing and the sitting
bit, but when do we kneel?"
4. "Does your prayer book have writing
in a funny looking alphabet, too?"
5. "Why do people keep coming in even
after the service starts? Didn't they know what time it starts?"
6. "Do people always get up and walk out
just before the rabbi gives his sermon?"
7. "This food after the service is really
good, but wouldn't it be better if people waited in line and then only
took a little at a time?"
8. "Hey, I remember this part from 'Fiddler
on the Roof'."
9. "Who brings kids to a place like this?"
10. "You there, slow down, you're getting
ahead of the soloist!"
11. "Why am I the only guy in the dress
circle?"
12. "You'd think nobody has ever seen
a mobile phone."
13. "It's show time! They're opening the
curtains."
14. "Pardon me, but you have some string
hanging down from your scarf."
15. "The boy can't be more than 12 or
13 - and they let him read?"
16. "When do they take up the collection?"
(#94) Interview Question
There were four people who were in the
final stages of interviewing for a prestigious job. One was Christian,
one was Catholic, one was a Buddhist and the fourth was Bernie. The Company
decided to fly them all in for dinner and a final interview.
Over dinner at a fine restaurant, the
president of the company told them that all were very worthy applicants,
and that he wished he could hire them all, but that they only had enough
money budgeted to hire one person. He told them that the following day,
he would call each of them in one at a time for a final interview and that
he would ask each one of them the same question. Whoever answered the question
the best would be the one hired. All applicants agreed that this was fair.
The next day the first applicant, the
Christian, was called in. The president posed the question, "What is the
fastest thing in the world?"
He thought for a moment and replied, "That
would have to be a thought."
"Why do you say that?" asked the president.
"Well, a thought takes no time at all...it
is in your mind in an instant, then gone again." "Ahh, very good. Thank
you," replied the president.
Next the same question was posed to the
Catholic woman.
"What is the fastest thing in the world?"
She paused and replied, "That would have
to be a blink."
"Why?" asked the president.
"Because you don't even think about a
blink, it's just a reflex. You do it in an instant." The president thanked
her, then called in the next person.
The Buddhist was asked what the fastest
thing in the world was, and after hesitating for a brief moment, he replied,
"I would have to say electricity."
"Why?"
"Because a man can flip a switch, and
immediately, three miles away a light will go on." "I see, very good,"
replied the president.
Then, Bernie was called in. He, too, was
asked, "What is the fastest thing in the world?"
"That's easy..." he replied, "that would
have to be diarrhoea!"
Rather stunned, the president asked, "Why
do you say that?"
"Well, last night after dinner, I was
lying in my bed and I got the worst stomach cramps..... and before I could
THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHTS......"
(Bernie got the job....)
(#95) Havaii.
Isaac and Hetty were planning a holiday.
As usual, they ended up arguing.
"It's 'Hawaii' I'm telling you." Hetty
said.
"Oy Vay, I never knew someone so stubborn.
'Havaii' is how it's pronounced." Isaac says.
And so it went on all the way till they
got there.
As soon as they got off the plane, they
asked a porter, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument
between my wife and I. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," replied the porter.
"Ha!" Isaac said, turning to Hetty, "See,
didn't I tell you never to argue with me? I'm always right."
Just before they began to walk away, Isaac
gave the porter a hearty "Thank you."
"You're Velcome."
(#96) A Rabbi
Rabbi Levine is walking slowly out of
a Shul in Golders Green when a gust of wind blows his hat down the street.
He's an old man and can't walk fast enough to catch his hat. Across the
street, Bernie sees what's happening, rushes over, grabs the hat and returns
it to Rabbi Levine.
"I don't think I would have been able
to catch my hat." Rabbi Levine says. He places his hand on Bernie's shoulder
and says, "May God bless you."
Bernie thinks, "I've just been blessed
by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day." So he goes into a betting shop
and sees in the first race a horse named 'Top Hat' at 20 to 1. He bets
£50 and the horse comes in first. In the second race, Bernie sees
a horse named Fedora at 30 to 1 so he bets it all and this horse comes
in first also.
When Bernie finally returns home to his
wife, she asks him where he's been. He explains how he caught the Rabbi's
hat and was blessed by him and then went to a betting office and started
winning on horses that had a hat in their names.
"So where's the money?" she asks.
"I lost it all in the ninth race. I bet
on a horse named Chateau and it lost."
"You fool, Chateau is a house, Chapeau
is a hat."
"It doesn't matter," Bernie said, "the
winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulka."
(#97) Bernie
While leading the Friday evening services,
the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a
St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to take over the
service and went to talk to Bernie.
"What are doing here with a dog?"
"The dog came here to pray."
"Oh, come on." says the Rabbi.
"It's true," says Bernie.
"I don't believe you. You are just fooling
around and that's not a proper thing to do in a synagogue."
"Its really true," says Bernie.
"OK," says the Rabbi (thinking he would
call Bernie's bluff), "then show me what the dog can do."
"OK," says Bernie nodding to the dog.
The dog opens up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis
(and puts them on) and prayer book and then starts saying prayers in Hebrew!
The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for
a full 15 minutes. When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed
with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. "Do you think your dog
would consider going to Rabbinical school?"
Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust
says, "You talk to him, he wants to be a doctor!"