(#98) Job search
My first job was working in an orange
juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they
gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly
because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut
the mustard.
My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on
my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a job working for a swimming
pool maintenance company,
but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to
it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.
After years of trying to find work, I
finally got a job as an historian,
until I realised there was no future in
it.
My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always
the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT
FIT FOR THE JOB!
(#99) My Yiddishe Momma
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB
WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other,
do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come
out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock
you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something
to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of
OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back
of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach
is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through
your room."
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you
a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I
can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
THANKS, MUM!
(#100) The matchmaker
Benny, the shadkhan, goes to see Abe,
a confirmed bachelor for many years.
"Abe, you mustn't wait too long. I have
exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet
and be married in no time!" says Benny.
"Don't bother," replies Abe, "I've two
sisters at home, who look after all my needs."
"That's all well and good," said Benny,
"but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."
"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they
were mine!"
(#101) Spaceman Rabbi
NASA had sent many shuttles to orbit the
earth and attempted to include passengers of all races, colour and creed.
One day, they realised they hadn't invited anyone from the clergy so they
invited a priest and a rabbi to orbit the earth.
Upon their return, they were asked to
go straight to the Media room to give the world their impressions of the
experience.
The priest came into the room with a smile
on his face. His statement was full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing.
I saw the sun rise and set. I saw the beautiful oceans. I'm truly in awe."
But the rabbi came into the room completely
dishevelled. His beard was tangled, his kippot was askew and his tallis
was creased. The reporters asked him whether he enjoyed the experience.
He threw his hands in the air and said,
"Enjoy? Oy vay, you must be joking. How could I find time to enjoy? Every
few minutes the sun was rising and setting! So it was on with the tefillin,
off with the tefillin, mincha, maariv, mincha, maariv.... Oy Gevalt."
(#102) Henry's big problem
Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to
collect his wife Sarah’s test results.
The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry,
but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples
to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we
don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation
is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" says Henry.
"Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs
Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS.
We can't tell which is which."
"That's terrible," says Henry, "can you
do the test again?"
"Normally, yes. But your private medical
insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" says
Henry.
The receptionist replies, "The doctor
recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street.
If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
(#103) What a coincidence!
Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting
next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac
and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from
Israel."
Isaac responds proudly, "I am!"
Maurice says, "So am I! And where might
you be from?"
Isaac answers, "I'm from Jerusalem."
Maurice responds, "So am I! And where
did you live?"
Isaac says, "A lovely little area two
miles east of King David's Hotel. Not too far from the old city"
Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school
did you attend?"
Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva
University."
Maurice gets really excited, and says,
"And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984."
Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert.
Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding
up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva
University in 1984 also."
About this time, Moishe enters the bar,
sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his
head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg
twins are drunk again."
(#104) Morris gets a dog
Morris gets a new dog and can't wait to
show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into
the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running
and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open,
tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
Morris points to the newspaper on the
couch and commands, "FETCH!"
Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch
and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears.
Looking balefully up at his master, the
dog says in a whiny voice, "You think this is easy wagging my tail all
the time? Oy vay. It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that
expensive organic dog food you're feeding me is tasty? You try it. It's
dreck - much too salty. And you just don't seem to care about me anymore.
You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can't
remember the last time you took me out for a walk."
Shlomo is amazed. "What the hell is that?
Your dog is sitting there talking."
"Oh, I know", explains Morris, "He's young
and I'm still training him. He thought I said KVETCH."
(#105) A serious chat With Mum
Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone.
"Darling, How are you? This is Mummy."
"Oh Mummy," Rivkah said crying, "I'm having
a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine won't work. I've
sprained my ankle and I'm hobbling around. On top of all this, the house
is a mess and I'm supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner
tonight. I haven't even had a chance to go shopping."
The voice on the other end said in sympathy,
"Darling, let Mummy handle it.  Sit down, relax and close your eyes.
I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, tidy up the house
and cook your dinner. I'll feed the baby and I'll call an engineer I know
who'll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I'll even call your husband
David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once."
"David?" said Rivkah. "Who's David?"
"Why, David 's your husband....Is this
0208 123 3749?"
"No, this is 0208 123 3747."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I dialled the
wrong number."
There was a short pause, then Rivkah said,
"Does this mean you're not coming over?"
(#106) Riddles
Q.  What's the name of a face lotion
developed for Jewish women?
A.   Oil of Oy Vay
Q.  What is the technical term for
a divorced Jewish woman?
A.  "Plaintiff."
Q.  What does a Jewish woman do to
keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?
A.  Nothing, nothing at all.
Q.  What's a Jewish woman's idea of
natural childbirth?
A.  No make up whatsoever.
(#107)
No joke allocated
(#108) The visit
Becky's grandson and his wife are coming
to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to
her flat.
"You come to the front door of the Golders
Green block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the 14th floor. At the
front door, you'll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button
32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in,
and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left.  With
your elbow, hit my doorbell".
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am
I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You're coming empty handed"?
(#109)
No joke allocated
(#110) Evening Prayers
When young David was asked by his father
to say the evening prayer, he realised he didn't have his head covered...so
he asked his little brother Henry to rest a hand on his head until prayers
were over.
Henry grew impatient after a few minutes
and removed his hand.
The father said, "This is important...put
your hand back on his head!"
-to which Henry exclaimed, "What, am I
my brother's kipah?"
(#111) The Tailor
Moshe is walking along Bond Street and
sees a little tailor's shop named COHEN and O'REILLY.
Moshe goes in and talks to the typical
little Jewish tailor behind the counter, telling him how impressed he is
that for once the Irish and the Jews, often at one another’s throats, have
come together like this...
The little Jewish man seems unmoved...'You
sopprized by dis!?' he asks....
'Well, yes' says Moshe, still oozing enthusiasm...'I
mean...COHEN and O'REILLY working together in the same shop. I mean...It's
different! It's heartwarming!'
'Vell' says the little Jewish tailor 'Here's
annuder soprize for you, I'm O'Reilly!'
(#112) Oy Vey!
Four Jewish ladies are playing Bridge
in a house in Hendon.
Bette sighs and says, "Oy..."
Freda nods, sighs, and says, "Oy vey!"
Kitty says, "Oy veys meer!"
Charlotte chimes in: "Enough talk about
the children already. Let's get back to the game."
(#113) A Model Son
"I'm so upset," said Benny to his Rabbi.
"I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught
him kissing one of the models!"
"Have a little patience!" advised the
Rabbi. "After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so
what, it's not that terrible."
"But you don't understand," said Benny.
"I make men's clothes."
(#114) Taking it all with you
Issy was a rich man who was near death.
He was very grieved because he had worked very hard for his money and wanted
to be able to take it with him to heaven. So Issy begins to pray.
An angel hears his plea and says to him,
"I'm sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
Issy implores the angel to speak to God
to see if he might bend the rules. He said he would try. In the meantime,
Issy continues to pray.
When the angel reappears, he informs Issy
that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed,
Issy gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
places it beside his bed. Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates
of Heaven.
The angel Gabriel, seeing the suitcase,
says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here."
Issy explains that he has permission and
suggests he verify his story with God.
Gabriel checks and says, "You're right.
You're allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents
before letting it through."
So Gabriel opens the suitcase to inspect
the worldly goods that Issy found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?"
(#115) Watch that door!
Hymie, a wealthy American, retires to
England and buys a fabulous English country home with over 50 rooms. He
brings in a local workman to decorate the place.
When the job is finished Hymie is delighted
but soon after realises that he's forgotten something. There are no mezuzahs
on the doors.
He immediately goes out and buys 50 kosher
mezuzot and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side of
each door except on the bathrooms. He's worried that the decorator won't
put them up correctly.
However, the job is carried out entirely
to his satisfaction and so he gives the workman an extra bonus. As the
decorator is walking out of the door he says "Glad you're happy with the
job mate. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in those
little boxes and left them on the table for you."
(#116)
No joke allocated