(#471) Grandpa
& Grandma
Grandpa David &
Grandma Andrea were staying overnight at their grandson Paul’s house when
Grandpa David saw a bottle of Viagra pills in the bathroom cabinet. He
asked Paul whether he could use one of the pills.
Paul said, "I don't
think you should take one, Zeida, they're very potent and expensive."
"How much?" asked
Grandpa David.
"£10 for each
pill," Paul replied.
"I don't care,"
said Grandpa David, "I'd like to try Viagra at least once before I die.
But don’t worry, if I do take one, I'll pay you for it."
The next morning
Paul found a cheque for £110 on the kitchen table. He said to Grandpa
David, "Zeida, I told you each pill was £10, not £110."
"I know," said Grandpa
David, "The extra hundred is from your Bubba."
(#472) Jewish
Marriage?
Moishe was sitting
at the breakfast table one Sunday morning reading the News of the World.
He had just read an article about a beautiful film star who had announced
that she was going to marry a football player who was famous not only for
his aggression on and off the field, but also for his lack of IQ and common
sense. In fact he was ‘thick as two planks’.
Like many men, Moishe
loved hearing his own voice and liked to report aloud stories he read from
the paper. So he turned to his wife Sadie and said, "I’ll never understand
why the biggest schmucks get the most attractive wives."
Sadie replied, "Why
thank you, darling!"
(#473) The shopping
trip
It was a terrible
evening in Golders Green. The wind was blowing hard, it was snowing and
it was very, very cold. The streets were almost deserted and ‘Bagels Bakery’
was just about to shut when Sidney entered. He looked absolutely frozen.
He was wearing two jumpers, a thick scarf and an even thicker coat. His
umbrella had blown inside out and he looked thoroughly miserable.
As he unbuttoned
his coat, he said to the baker, "Two bagels, please."
The baker looked
surprised. "Only two? Don’t you want anything else?"
"No. I only want
two," Sidney replied. "One for Esther and one for me."
"Is Esther your
wife?" asked the baker.
"Don’t ask silly
questions," replied Sidney, "Of course she is. Do you think my mother would
send me out on a night like this?"
(#474) The drinker
It is Saturday night
and Sean is in an Irish pub in Cricklewood. He soon strikes up a conversation
with the fellow next to him at the bar. Sean says, "I must stop drinking
all this Irish whiskey."
"Why do you want
to do that?" asked his companion.
"Because every Saturday
night I go out and drink a half a bottle of the stuff, come home drunk,
make mad passionate love to my wife, wake up Sunday morning, and go to
church."
"What's wrong with
that?" the friend asks. "A lot of good Irishmen go out on Saturday night,
drink a half bottle of good Irish whiskey, come home drunk, make love to
the wife, and go to mass on Sunday."
"I know," said Sean,
"but I'm Jewish."
(#475) Seder Pickup
Lines


Let's make this night
really different from all others nights.


What will you do to
me for two zuzim?


What's a girl like you
doing at a seder like this?


I like my matzo thin,
like my women.


Maybe when Elijah comes,
we can make it a threesome.


I hear that horseradish
is an aphrodisiac.


After four cups of wine,
you look like Cindy Crawford.


Darling, on this night
we are supposed to recline, so let's get to it.


I bet I could make you
sing Dayenu!


Did that just say we
were in bondage?


I could never Pass you
Over.


We were strangers (with
emphasis on "were")


You're a 10 in my hagadah.


I'm going to have to
search you for chometz.


How's about we go re-live
the "Darkness" plague up in my room.


I'm like one of the
four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.

(#476) The shopping
trip
An Israeli marries
an Englishman and they decide to live in London. Although she cannot speak
much English, she manages to communicate with her husband. However, problems
always arise whenever she goes out shopping.
One day, she goes
to the butchers to buy some chicken legs, but she doesn’t know how to ask
for them. In desperation, she lifts up her skirt and shows him her thighs.
The butcher gets the message and she leaves with chicken legs.
The next day she
needs some chicken breasts. Again, she can’t describe in words what she
needs to buy, so she unbuttons her blouse and shows the butcher her breasts.
Again, she gets what she wants.
On the third day
she goes out to buy some sausages. She brings her husband to the butcher
shop and. ................... So what does she do?
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What were you thinking?
Her husband speaks English.
(#477) The date
Becky and Sadie
had both lost their husbands and were hoping to find new partners. One
day, Sadie says to Beckie, "That nice Bernie Schwartz asked me out for
a date the other day. I know you went out with him recently so tell me
about him before we meet.
Becky replies, "Well
OK, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment exactly on time, just like
a quartz clock. And like a mench he is dressed - fine jacket, beautiful
shirt and a smart tie. He brings me my favourite chocolates, you know,
the ones I would die for. And he comes in an expensive Lexus car, no less,
with a uniformed chauffeur wearing a peaked cap. So then he takes me out
to dinner in Baker Street, a kosher restaurant even, just as I would have
wanted. Then we go see a West End show. Oh Sadie, I enjoyed that evening
so much. But when we come back to my apartment for a coffee, everything
changes. He suddenly goes completely crazy. He grabs hold of me, tears
off my expensive Cerruti dress like it was made of paper and, and ….he
had his way with me!"
Sadie says, "Oy
vey!...So are you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Becky replies, "No.
All I’m saying is if you do go out with him, wear shmutters."
(#478) The accident
Moishe was in a
terrible car accident, which mangled his "manhood" and tore it from his
body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that he would have to go privately to have this done - such
an operation was not available under the National Health. Although Moishe
did not have any private medical cover, he told the doctor that it was
not going to be a problem – it was so important, he would pay for it out
of his savings.
"So how much will
it cost?" asked Moishe.
"£4,500 for
a small one, £7,500 for medium and £12,000 for large."
Moishe said, "Then
I’ll have the large one, please."
But the doctor urged
him to talk it over with his wife before making such an important decision
and left the room to allow Moishe to call his wife on his mobile.
Moishe spent 10
minutes discussing his options with Sadie and when the doctor came back
into the room, he found Moishe looking utterly dejected.
"Well, what have
the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
Moishe answered,
"Sadie said she'd rather have a new kitchen."
(#479) Likewise
When Louis was younger,
he just hated going to Jewish weddings. All of his uncles and aunts used
to come up to him, poke him in the ribs, giggle, and say to him, "You're
next, Louis."
But they stopped
doing that after Louis started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
(#480) Confessions
Morris and Becky
were chatting one evening. Morris says, "Becky, it’s our 50th wedding anniversary
soon, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Becky hesitated
for a moment, then said, "Yes, darling, 3 times."
"3 times? How did
this happen?" Morris asks her.
"Well, Morris, You
remember you lost your job a year after we got married and we had no money
and we thought we might have to sell our house? Do you also remember that
I went to see the bank manager to ask for an overdraft? Well, we got our
overdraft and that’s when it happened."
"It’s hard to accept,"
Morris said, "but as you did this for us, I can forgive you."
Becky continued,
"And you remember years later when you almost died from your heart problem
because we couldn't afford the operation? Remember that immediately after
I went to see the surgeon at his house, he did your operation for nothing?
Well, that’s when it happened."
"Yes," Morris said,
"that shocks me too, but as you did it because you loved me, I forgive
you. But tell me, Becky, what was the third time?"
Becky responded,
"Do you remember, Morris, when you were trying to get elected as the synagogue
Chairman... and you needed just 12 more votes?"
(#481) "Old" is
when: -


Your friends compliment
you on your new alligator shoes – but you're barefoot.


Going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of your face.


You don't care where
your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


You are cautioned to
slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.


"Getting a little action,"
means you don't need to take any fibre today.


"Getting lucky," means
you find your car in the Brent Cross car park.


Your wife says, "Let's
go upstairs and make love," and you reply, "Darling, I can't do both."

(#482) In The Beginning
In the Beginning,
God created heaven and earth and then he created man.
God said, "Adam,
I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly,
what do you want me to do?"
God said, "Go down
into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's
a valley?"
And God explained
it to him.
Then God said, "Then
go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What
is a hill?"
And God explained
that to him.
Then he told Adam,
"On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's
a cave?"
And God explained
that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's
a woman?"
So God explained
that to him too, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How
do I do that?"
So God explained
it to him.
Off went Adam, down
into the valley, over the hill, and into the cave and there he found the
woman. In about ten minutes, Adam was out of the cave, over the hill, through
the valley and back with God.
God patiently asked,
"Yes ... how can I help you, Adam?"
And Adam said, "What's
a headache?"
(#483) Knowledge.
Little Moishe asks
his father, “Dad, where do clouds come from?”
His father replies,
“Good question, son. I wish I knew that myself.”
Moishe then asks,
“Dad, how does rain come out of the clouds?”
His father replies,
“Interesting question, son. I must look that up later on.”
Moishe then asks,
“When lightening happens, Dad, why does it always come before the thunder?”
His father replies,
“I used to know that, son, but I’ve forgotten the answer.”
Then little Moishe
asks, “Do you mind me asking you all these questions, Dad?”
His father replies,
“No, of course not son. If you don’t ask, you don’t learn!”
(#484) It’s question
time
Who are the five
most constipated men in the Old Testament?
1) Cain, because
he wasn't Abel.
2) Moses, because
he went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
3) King David, because
he sat on the throne for forty years.
4) Solomon, because
neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
5) Noah, because
he was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all he passed was water.
(#485) Bright
spark
When Albert Einstein
was young, he was regularly invited to speak at various conferences. But
he nearly always found himself wishing that he was back in his laboratory
carrying out further pioneering work.
One day, Einstein
said to his chauffeur, "Issy, I am getting so very tired of making these
speeches, but what on earth can I do? ".
Issy replied, "I
have an idea, sir. I've heard you give your presentation many times before
and I'll bet I could quite easily give your talk for you. Why, I even look
and speak like you." Einstein thought for a while, then laughed and replied,
"What a good idea Issy, why not?
So for the next
conference, they exchanged clothes. Einstein put on Issy’s uniform and
peaked cap and then got behind the wheel of the car. When they arrived
at the conference centre, Einstein went and sat at the back of the theatre
and wondered how Issy would cope. He needn’t have worried. Issy gave an
excellent speech and even answered the first few of the questions that
followed. But then one of the other professors asked Issy an extremely
awkward question about the speed of light in relation to the formation
of anti-matter. Quick as a flash, Issy replied, "The answer to your question
is easy. In fact it is so basic that I will ask my chauffeur, who is sitting
at the back of the hall, to answer it for me."
(#486) The nurse
Bernie was almost
90 years old and found it difficult to keep his balance. After his latest
fall, his daughter thought it was now time for her dad to have a full time
nurse looking after him.
Freda duly arrived
and on her first night, Bernie was as usual sitting on his plastic-covered
couch watching TV. All of a sudden, he started to lean over to the right.
Freda quickly pulled him upright. Then Bernie started slowly to lean over
to the left and Freda once again rushed over and straightened him up. This
rigmarole went on for some time.
Later that evening,
the telephone rang. Bernie picked it up.
"Hello Dad, it's
me, Hette," said his daughter. "Is the new nurse doing her job properly?"
"Oh Hette, I’m so
glad you rang. You must get over here as soon as you can," Bernie answered.
Hette replied, "Why,
Dad, whatever’s wrong?"
Bernie then whispered
into the phone, "The tyrant won't let me fart."
(#487) A visit
to a solicitor
Even though Morris
and Sadie had been married for a very, very long time, they still decided
to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden Town. At the first meeting, the solicitor
asks them, "Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look
well into your nineties. Why now of all times?"
Morris replies,
"Actually, I'm 102 and my wife Sadie is 101."
The solicitor is
totally bemused and asks them again "So why do you want a divorce now?"
Sadie replies this
time, "Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead."
(#488) A visit
home
Deborah had left
home to go to London to work as a secretary. Soon after, she began regularly
sending money to her parents, Moishe and Sadie.
Some years later,
Sadie asked Deborah to come home for a visit, as her father was getting
frail. Deborah said she would come to see them that weekend.
You can imagine
Moishe and Sadie’s surprise when Deborah pulled up outside their house
in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds.
As she walked into
the house, Moishe muttered aloud, "It seems that London secretaries get
well paid." Deborah walked over to him, took his hands and said, "Daddy
- I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I just didn't want
to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become
a prostitute."
Moishe gasped, put
his hand over his heart and fell to the floor. The doctor was immediately
called, but could not help - Moishe had clearly lost the will to live.
He was put to bed and the Rabbi was called. As the Rabbi was comforting
Sadie and Deborah, Moishe muttered weakly, "What a way to go – murdered
by my own daughter, killed by the shame of what you've become!"
"Daddy, please,
please forgive me," Deborah sobbed. "I wanted to have nice things to wear
and to have enough money to be able to send you some. The only way I could
think of doing that was to become a prostitute."
On hearing this,
Moishe sat bolt upright in bed, looking already so much better. Smiling
he said, "Deborah, did you say prostitute? I thought you said Protestant"
(#489) The lover
Shlomo, 80, marries
Becky, a lovely 25-year-old. Because of the great difference in their ages,
Becky thought it sensible to book separate hotel rooms on their honeymoon
- she was worried that he might overexert himself.
On the first night,
Becky is preparing herself for bed when there is a knock on her door. When
she opens it, there is Shlomo ready for action. They unite in conjugal
union and it was good. Shlomo says goodnight and leaves. Becky once again
prepares to go to bed.
But five minutes
later, there's a knock on her door. It’s Shlomo again, once more ready
for action. Pleasantly surprised, Becky again invites him into her bed
and again they make passionate love. Shlomo kisses her goodnight and leaves.
Becky is now quite
tired but as soon as she puts her head on the pillow, there is a knock
at the door and there, yet again, is Shlomo, looking very sprightly and
once more ready for l-o-v-e. Again they make it.
This time, before
Shlomo leaves, Becky says, "I am really very impressed with you, Shlomo.
I thought you were past making love, but you’ve proved me wrong. I’ve made
a good choice in you - you're a special lover. Most of my other lovers
could only manage it once, yet you were able to do it three times."
On hearing this,
Shlomo was very confused. He then looks her in the eyes and asks, "Do you
mean I’ve been here already?"
(#490) The Catman
It was midnight
and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar
alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive
just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag
full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the
police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known
as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
"Did you have an
accomplice?" the judge asks him.
"What's an accomplice?"
asks Morris.
"A partner," replies
the judge. "In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?"
"Of course, what
else?" says Morris, "Who can get reliable help these days?"
 
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