Jokes 31 Set

(#715) It’s too high
[My thanks to Diane Minkoff
for the following joke]
Moishe is 75 years old and goes for a
medical. After the examination, his doctor says to him, "You're in remarkable
shape for a man of your age."
"I know it," said Moishe, "but I've got
a problem. My sex drive is too high. Have you got anything you can give
me for it?"
The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your
what?" he gasped.
"My sex drive," repeated Moishe, "is too
high and I'd like you to lower it."
"Lower it?" exclaimed the doctor, still
unable to believe what his 75 year old patient was saying. "Just what do
you consider high?"
"These days it seems like it's all in
my head, doctor," replies Moishe, "and I'd like to have you lower it a
couple of feet if you can."
(#716) Starting all over again
[My thanks to Stanley Cohen
for the following joke]
Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement
home. One day, as they are sitting on a bench under a tree, Yitzhak turns
to Melvyn and says, "Melvyn, I'm 85 years old and I'm full of aches and
pains. You're about my age. How do you feel?"
Melvyn replies, "I feel just like a new-born
baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yes," replies Melvyn, "no hair, no teeth
and I think I just wet myself."
(#717) The train ride
[My thanks to Sylvia Suchall
for the following joke]
Issy had never been on a train in his
life. One day, he decided that as it was a lovely sunny day, he would try
a train ride. Off he went with his yarmulke on his head, a shtick of vusht
under one arm and a blackbread & some herrings in a jar in the other.
He sits down in a plush compartment and gets settled down to fress. Suddenly,
a porter pops his head in and says. “Sir, you will have to leave this compartment.
It’s reserved for the Archbishop of Canterbury.”
Issy replies “Vell, how do you know I’m
not de Archbishop of Canterbury?”
(#718) The Lubavitch rowing team
[My thanks to Malcolm Goodman
for the following joke]
The Lubavitch challenged Oxford University
to a rowing contest but discovered that Oxford were twice as fast as they
were. So the Lubavitch cox sent a spy across to Oxford to find out why
and how. A few hours later the spy returns.
“Nuh,” says the Lubavitch cox, “tell all.”
“Well.” says the spy, “they do everything
the other way round to us.”
“Explain,” says the cox.
“It's simple,” says the spy, “they've
got eight men rowing and one man shouting!”
(#719) Dying wishes
[My thanks to Michael Berglin
for the following joke]
Rivkah is on her death bed and the Rabbi
was there with her.
“Rivkah,“ says the Rabbi, “do you have
any last wishes?”
“Yes,” replied Rivkah, “I want to be cremated.”
“What!” says the Rabbi, “you know that
is forbidden.  But, I suppose...”
“Next, says Rivkah, “I want my ashes spread
out on the roof of Brent Cross Shopping Centre.”
“Rivkah,” says the Rabbi, “I must protest
- why would you want to do that?”
“Well,” says Rivkah, “that way my daughters
would come and visit me once a week.”
(#720) You know you grew up Jewish when......


You spent your entire childhood thinking that
everyone calls roast beef brisket".


Your family dog responds to complaints uttered
in Yiddish.


Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was
spent visiting your grandparents.


You were as tall as your grandmother by the
age of seven.


You never knew anyone who's last name didn't
end in one of 5 standard suffixes.


You can look at gefilte fish and not turn
green.


Your mother smacked you really hard and continues
to make you feel badly for hurting her hand.


You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak
it.


You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish
words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what
they mean. Kenahurra.


You have at least one ancestor who is related
to your spouse's ancestor.


You grew up thinking it's normal for someone
to shout, "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door if you're
in there for longer than 3 minutes.


You have at least six male relatives named
David.


You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Stephen
Spielberg movie.


You thought that speaking loud was normal.

(#721) The proposal
Hannah comes home from her afternoon out
with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy.
"What’s the matter, Hannah?" asks her
mother.
"Arnold has asked me to marry him," she
replies.
"Mazeltov! But why are you looking so
sad?" her mother asks.
"Because he also told me that he was an
atheist. Oh mum, he doesn't even believe in Hell."
Her mother then says, "That’s all right
Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between
the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
(#722) Letter to my son
My dear darling Moshe and that-person-you-married-against-my-wishes,
Happy New Year and well over the fast
to you. Please don’t worry about me – I’m well, considering I am having
trouble breathing and eating. All I want is for you to have a nice holiday
thousands of miles away from your mother.
Please find attached to this letter my
last £20. I am just hoping that you will spend it on my grandchildren,
poor babies - God knows their mother never seems to buy them anything nice.
Maybe you’ll buy some food, as they look so thin in the photos you sent
me.
Thank you Moshe for the flowers you sent
me on my birthday. To save you money, I have put them in the freezer in
the hope that they will last until my funeral. And please don’t think of
sending me any more money. I realise you will need it yourself for your
next who-knows-where-in-the-world expensive holiday.
I lost my walking stick last week beating
off muggers, but don’t worry - when I finish writing this letter, I shall
crawl back to bed. I am even beginning to get used to the cold since the
landlord turned off the heating. The frost helps to numb the constant pain.
Please give my love to my darling grandchildren
and give my regards to ‘her’.
Love from your devoted mother.
(#723) The shnorrer
A shnorrer knocked on the door of a house
in Golders Green.
“What do you want?” said the owner.
“Can you spare some money to help a poor
person?” said the beggar.
But as soon he was given a few coins and
told to go on his way, the beggar complained, “Your son gave me twice as
much when I called here last week.”
“Well, my son can afford to,” said the
owner, “he has a very rich father.”
(#724) A really old joke
There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly
breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in
Egypt.
So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah,
this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first class momzer.”
“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say
such things. We are all one family. Don’t forget we are all children of
God, even Pharaoh.”
“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied
Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”
(#725) The secret
Sadie had worked as an accounts clerk
for the Prague candlesticks company for nearly 30 years when she died.
Everyone remembered how she would arrive at her desk every morning at exactly
8.30 am. She would put on her glasses, unlock her desk, and peer closely
into the centre drawer. Then she would re-lock her desk and get on with
her work. She did this every working day and no one, not even the senior
accountant, knew what was in her centre drawer. Now she was dead, her work
colleagues could find out her secret.
So they unlocked her desk and opened the
centre drawer. Inside they found a small piece of paper with these words
written on it, “THE SIDE TOWARDS THE DOOR IS THE DEBIT SIDE.”
(#726) The request
One day, Moishe goes up to his boss and
says, rather timidly, “Mr Gold, is it OK if I take tomorrow off? It’s my
golden wedding anniversary.”
“What a chutzpah you have,” replied Mr
Gold, “Is this what I have to put up with from you every 50 years?”
(#727) The reporter and the old man
The Jewish Chronicle had heard that Benjy
was coming up to his 108th birthday so they sent one of their reporters
to interview him.
"How do you account for your longevity?"
asked the reporter.
"You could say that I am a health nut,"
Benjy answered. "I have never smoked or drunk alcohol, I am always in bed
by ten o'clock, I’ve been going to Israeli dance classes since I was a
teenager and I've always walked three miles a day, even in rain or snow."
"But," said the reporter, "my uncle Shlomo
followed exactly the same routine and he died when he was 70. So how come
it didn't work for him?"
"All I can say," replied Benjy, "is that
he didn't keep it up long enough."
(#728) He had a hat (alternative version)
Sadie walked into a print lab to have
a photo of her deceased husband Moshe copied and retouched.
She said to the technician, "I have always
hated the hat that my husband Moshe is wearing in the photo. Could you
please retouch the hat out?"
"Of course," said the technician, "what
colour hair did your husband have?"
"When you take the hat off, you'll see,"
she said.
(#729) Let the boss go first
A junior manager, a senior manager and
Moshe their boss, are on their way to a meeting. On their journey through
a park, they come across an oil lamp sticking out of the ground under a
bush. They pick it up, rub it, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Thank you very much.
I normally grant three wishes but as there are three of you, I can only
allow one wish each."
Without waiting for the others, the eager
senior manager shouted, "I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas,
on a fast boat with loads of money and have no worries for the rest of
my life."
POW and he was gone.
The junior manager couldn’t keep quiet
and shouted, "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls all around me,
and plenty of good food and champagne."
KERPOW and he was gone too.
Moshe the boss then calmly said, "Here’s
my wish. I want those two idiots back in my office immediately after lunch."
(#730) Quickies
Son: “How much does it cost to get married,
Dad?”
Father: “I don't know son, I'm still paying
for it.”
Son: “Is it true, Dad? I heard that in
ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.”
Father: “That happens everywhere, son,
EVERYWHERE.”
Q: How can you tell that Maurice is losing
interest in his wife Hette?
A: Because Maurice’s favourite sexual
position is next door.
(#731) The frog
Shlomo, 75 years old, was taking a walk
when he saw a frog in the gutter. He was shocked when the frog began to
speak to him.
The frog said, "Old man, if you kiss me,
I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll be yours forever and we can make
mad passionate love every night."
Shlomo bent down and put the frog into
his pocket and continued walking.
The frog said, "Hey, I don't think you
heard me. I said if you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and
we can make passionate love every night."
Shlomo took the frog out of his pocket
and said, "I heard you, but at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
(#732) Conversation on a bus.
Hette and her baby get on a bus at Golders
Green. The bus driver takes one look and says to her, “That’s the ugliest
baby I’ve ever seen.”
Hette is extremely angry. She sits down
and says to the man next to her, “I don’t believe it - the bus driver just
insulted me.”
The man replies, “You mustn’t let him
get away with it. You should tell him off. Go ahead and do it now - I’ll
hold your monkey for you.”
(#733) What’s wrong with me?
Esther makes an emergency appointment
to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” says Esther, “just look at the
mess I’m in. When I awoke this morning, I looked in the mirror and was
shocked to see my hair all wiry, my skin wrinkled and blotchy, my eyes
bloodshot and bulging out of their sockets and my face so white that I
looked like a corpse. What on earth is wrong with me, doctor?”
The doctor looks at her and calmly says,
“Well, for a start, there’s certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight…”
(#734) Insulting stuff?
Bernie and Abe are having a drink together
in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe’s recent promotion. They had been drinking
for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts, “I slept with
your mother, Abe.”
There was a hush as everyone listens.
Bernie again shouts at Abe, “I slept with
your mother, Abe.”
Abe replies, “I know. Why don’t you go
home now, Dad, you’re drunk.”
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