(#635) Another visit to the doctor
(My thanks to Danny S for the following
joke)
Benjy goes to see his doctor because he
isn't feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples
from Benjy and asks him to come back the following week for the results.
When Benjy returns, his doctor tells him,
"I have some good news and some bad news for you, Benjy. What do you want
to hear first?"
Benjy replies, "Let me have the good news
first."
"OK," says the doctor, "they're going
to name the disease after you."
(#636) Finally Together
Sadie is a beautiful girl. She could have
been an actress but instead she decides to get married young and raise
a large family. In no time at all she has ten children. Then suddenly her
husband passes away - and Sadie is still only 42.
But it doesn’t take our Sadie long to
find a new husband. She quickly remarries and finds happiness once more.
She could have decided that ten children was enough, but instead has eight
more by her new husband. He dies when Sadie is still only 64 years old.
Maybe having so many children took it
out on Sadie’s poor body because only a few months later, Sadie herself
passes away. At her funeral, the Rabbi looks skyward and says, "At last
they're finally together."
Sadie’s eldest son says, "Rabbi, do you
mean mum and my father, or mum and my stepfather?"
The Rabbi replies, "Neither. I mean her
legs."
(#637) The special guest
Moshe spent the week looking unsuccessfully
around north London for a place to live. Now it was erev shabbos and he
is alone in a strange town. He finds the local shul and after services
explains his predicament to the shammas. Within minutes, Jacob comes over
and invites him to be his shabbos guest.
At Jacob’s house, Moshe is given towels
and aromatic soap and then shown to the bathroom. After a soothing hot
bath, he dries himself on the soft fluffy towel, gets dressed and joins
Jacob and his wife for a delicious meal. He is then shown to his bedroom
where he immediately falls asleep.
The same kindness is shown to Moshe the
next day. On Sunday it’s time to leave and Moshe tells Jacob, "This was
a lovely shabbos. How can I ever repay you?"
"By paying me," replies Jacob and gives
Moshe an invoice for: -
    1 hot
bath,
    1 bar
of aromatic soap,
    2 clean
towels,
    1 full
shabbos dinner,
    3 glasses
shabbos wine,
    2 nights
lodging (bed & breakfast),
    Fresh
sheets,
    1 shabbos
lunch, and
    1 afternoon
tea.
    --------------------------------------------------
    TOTAL
£75.00
"You're charging me?" asks Moshe.
"I certainly am."
"I didn’t ask you to take me in – you
invited me. It’s outrageous."
"Even so, please pay the bill."
" But this is wrong!"
"OK," sighs Jacob, "let's not argue. We’ll
go to my Rabbi and let him decide."
"That’s OK with me," says Moshe.
As the Rabbi listens to their arguments,
he strokes his beard and says, "Based on numerous Talmudic precedents and
on my opinion of the situation, it’s my decision that Moshe should pay
the bill."
Moshe couldn’t believe his ears. It made
no sense at all. But a decision had been made and so, as soon as they left
the Rabbi, Moshe hands Jacob the money he owes.
"What’s this for?" asks Jacob.
"It’s what I owe you."
"Don't be meshugah. Keep it. It was a
pleasure to have you with us. Please come again."
Moshe is confused. "But you gave me your
invoice, we argued, we went to the Rabbi, he made a decision!"
"My dear Moshe," says Jacob smiling, "I
was pulling your leg. I just wanted you to see what kind of schmuck we
have for a Rabbi."
(#638) Forgetfulness
One Friday morning, a letter dropped through
Rabbi Bloom’s letterbox. He opened it and took out a single sheet of paper.
On it was written just one word: "SCHMUCK"
Next day, at the end of his shabbos sermon,
Rabbi Bloom announced to his congregation, "I have previously come across
people who have written to me but forgot to sign the letter. This week,
however, I received a letter from someone who signed it but forgot to write
the letter."
(#639) A mother’s lament
“Is one Nobel Prize so much to ask for
from a child, after all I've done?”
(#640) The curse
Rifka goes to see a famous Wizard and
asks, "Is it possible to remove a curse I’ve been living with for the last
35 years?"
The Wizard replies, "It’s possible, but
you must tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you
in the first place."
Rifka says, "I now pronounce you man and
wife".
(#641) The Barmitzvah
Issy wanted something extra special and
memorable for his son Paul’s Barmitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the
swankiest venues and the best caterers in London and then settled on a
very plush banqueting hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised
him a great surprise on the night.
“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry.
It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about
it for years to come.”
“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.
The night of Paul’s Barmitzvah party arrived.
As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from
Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, 12 powerful searchlights shone upwards
whilst at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended
from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely
out of chopped liver.
From all over the hall could be heard
gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had
been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered.
At the end of the affair, Issy met with
the caterer to settle the bill.
"This was indeed a very special night
for me," Issy said, "but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get
that gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew?
Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," said the
caterer, "I did ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion."
(#642) On a tube train
Shlomo is travelling on the London underground
and is sitting opposite a middle aged Jew wearing a kippah. Shlomo says,
"Shalom. Do you have the time?"
The man ignores him.
"Excuse me," Shlomo asks again, "what
time is it please?"
The man still doesn't answer him.
"Sir, forgive me for interrupting you
again, but I need to know the time. Why won't you answer me?"
At last the man speaks. "Son, the next
stop is Edgware, the last station on this line. I haven’t seen you before
so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, it’s Jewish tradition that
I must invite you to my home. As you're young and good looking and I have
a beautiful daughter named Suzy, you will fall in love with her and will
want to get married. So tell me, why on earth would I want a son-in-law
who can't even afford his own watch?"
(#643) The perfect match?
A matchmaker corners a poor student and
says, "Do I have a girl for you!"
"I’m not interested," replies the student.
"But she's a very beautiful girl," says
the matchmaker.
"Really?" says the student, a bit more
interested now.
"Yes. And she's also very rich."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am. Would I lie to you? And
she has a long line of ancestry. She comes from a very noble family."
"It all sounds great to me," says the
student, "but why would a girl like that want to marry me? She'd have to
be crazy."
Replies the matchmaker, "Well, you can't
have everything in life!"
(#644) Happiness
It was Hetty and Benjy’s Silver Wedding
anniversary.
Hetty says, "Do you remember when you
proposed to me, Benjy? I was so overwhelmed and taken aback that I couldn’t
talk for an hour."
Benjy replies, "Yes, of course I do, Hetty.
How could I ever forget? It was the happiest hour of my life."
(#645) Decisions, decisions
It was coming up to Morris’s 80th birthday
and his family didn't know what to buy him - he was a man who really had
everything. After much discussion, they decided to hire a strip-o-gram.
He had a good sense of humour and they thought he would enjoy the joke.
On the morning of his birthday, the doorbell
rang. Morris opened the door and there stood a beautiful redhead wearing
only black gloves and thigh-length boots.
"Happy Birthday Morris," she said. "Do
you know why I’m here?"
"No," said Morris.
"Well, I've come here to give you ‘super
sex’," she said provocatively.
Just for a brief moment, Morris looked
a bit confused, but then said, "You’ve given me a difficult decision to
make - what kind of soup is it?"
(#646) A trip to the garage
Rifka was the original ‘Jewish princess’.
One day, she drives her pink Renault Clio to a garage and asks one of the
mechanics, "Do you charge batteries?"
He replies, "Of course we do, darling."
"Great," says Rifka. "could you change
my battery please and charge it to my daddy."
(#647) The alligator shoes
Moshe had always wanted a pair of alligator
shoes but had never been able to afford them. One day he sees a pair in
the Selfridges Sale priced at only £39.99. He couldn’t believe it.
They even had his size. So he buys them and proudly wears them to go home.
When he gets home, he stands in front
of his wife and says, "Sadie, do you notice anything different about me?"
She looks him up and down and says, "Moshe,
you look the same to me. You’re wearing the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same trousers. So you tell me, what’s different?"
But Moshe won’t give up easily. He goes
into the bedroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, other than
his new shoes.
Once again he stands in front of Sadie
and says, "Sadie, now do you notice anything different about me?"
Once again she looks him up and down,
then says, "Moshe, it looks the same to me. It's hanging down just as it
was hanging down yesterday. No doubt it will be still hanging down tomorrow."
Angrily, Moishe says, "Do you know why
it’s hanging down, Sadie? It’s hanging down because it’s looking directly
at my new shoes!"
Sadie replies, "Moshe, I wish you had
bought a new hat!"
(#648) Two Jewish curses
1. May you sell candles for a living and
then may the sun never set.
2. May you be like a chandelier, hang
by day and burn by night!
(#649) The fishermen
Issy had read that fishing was a therapeutic
pastime. So he buys the necessary equipment and goes to his local lake.
But as it's his first time, he has no idea what bait to use. He looks around
and sees 3 men casting their lines. Almost immediately, they began to catch
an awful lot of fish. So Issy goes up to them.
"Excuse me," he asks the first man, "What
bait are you using?"
"Well, I'm a doctor and I use tonsils,"
he replies. "You really can't beat them – the fish here love tonsils."
Well Issy hasn’t bought any tonsils with
him, so he goes to the second fisherman.
"Excuse me," he asks, "What bait are you
using?"
"I'm also a doctor and I have a great
deal of success using bits of appendix."
Issy then turns to the third fisherman
and can’t help but notice that he too is very successful at catching fish.
"Let me guess," Issy says to him. "You're
also a doctor."
"Actually I’m not," came the reply. "I'm
a mohel."
(#650) The anniversary
Shlomo asks his wife, "Where shall we
go to celebrate our anniversary, darling?"
Sarah replies, "Somewhere I have never
been!"
So Shlomo says, "How about the kitchen,
then?"
(#651) The note
Howard had been a good Jew all his life.
Now, 90 years old, he was very ill and in hospital. His family were with
him. Then his Rabbi arrived.
As the Rabbi walked up to the bed, Howard
's condition began to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something
to write on. When the Rabbi gave him a pencil and a piece of paper, Howard
used his last ounce of energy to write a short note. Then he died.
The Rabbi placed the note in his jacket
pocket and said prayers.
Later, at Howard’s funeral, as the Rabbi
was finishing the eulogy, he suddenly remembered the note.
"I’ve just remembered," said the Rabbi
to those present, "that Howard handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it yet, but knowing Howard, I'm sure there's a word of
comfort in it for all of us."
The Rabbi opened the note and read, "Help,
you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
(#652) The brothers
Benjy and Sam were mischievous brothers
aged 8 and 10. They always seemed to be around when things went wrong.
As their parents were unable to control them, they went to the Rabbi for
help.
The Rabbi said he wanted to talk to the
boys and that he would see the younger one first - alone. So they sent
Benjy to see the Rabbi.
The Rabbi sat Benjy down and for the next
five minutes they just sat and stared at each other across the Rabbi’s
large mahogany desk. Finally, the Rabbi pointed his finger at Benjy and
said, "Benjy, where is God?"
Benjy glanced around, but said nothing.
The Rabbi pointed at Benjy again and said,
louder, "Where is God, Benjy?"
Again, Benjy glanced around but said nothing.
The Rabbi then leaned across the desk,
put his finger on Benjy’s nose and said, "Benjy, I ask you, where is God?"
At this point, Benjy got scared, got up
and ran home. He dragged Sam upstairs to his room and said, "We're in deep
trouble, Sam."
Sam asked, "What do you mean we’re in
deep trouble, Benjy?"
Benjy replied, "I'm telling you, Sam,
we're in big trouble. God is missing and they are saying we did it."
(#653)  Alphabetical order
Many years ago, during a trans-Atlantic
flight, the pilot got on the intercom and said he was experiencing difficulties
and that the weight of the plane would have to be reduced. He suggested
the passengers throw their luggage off the plane. Everyone did.
A short time later, he got back on the
intercom, "The plane is still too heavy, so some passengers will have to
jump off - but we're going to do this alphabetically. Will all African-Americans,
please jump off the plane."
No one stood up.
"Will all blacks, please jump off the
plane."
Still no one stood up.
"Will all coloureds, please jump off the
plane."
Again, no one stood up.
Then a smart, well-mannered little black
boy turned to his prim and proper, well-educated, affluent mother and said,
"Mama, ain't we all those things?"
And the mother answered, "No baby, we're
Schvartzas today."
(#654) Tickets please
Shlomo and Issy were queuing to buy train
tickets to London. Behind them were Mick and Pete. You can imagine Mick
and Pete’s surprise when not only did Shlomo and Issy buy just one ticket,
but also that both of them got on the train.
The train was 15 minutes into its journey
when a ticket inspector came into their carriage. Mick and Pete waited
for Shlomo and Issy to get caught, but before the inspector saw them, Shlomo
and Issy ran into one of the toilets. When the inspector came to the occupied
toilet and knocked on the door shouting, ‘ticket please’, a ticket immediately
appeared under the door. The inspector clipped it and passed it back.
Mick and Pete were astounded by the trick
- and mad because they had bought two tickets. They vowed to do likewise
next time.
A few days later, Shlomo and Issy were
in the queue to buy their ticket back home. But when they saw Mick and
Pete buy just one ticket, they immediately left the queue without buying
any ticket.
15 minutes into the train journey, when
the ticket inspector entered their carriage, Mick and Pete ran into one
of the toilets. Shlomo and Issy followed them and knocked on the toilet
door. As soon as the ticket was passed underneath the door, Shlomo and
Issy grabbed it and dashed into another toilet. (You can guess what then
happened!).
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