(#1135) Following orders
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy are sitting
in their local kosher deli and when the waitress comes over, ask for two
glasses of water. When the water arrives, they take out homemade sandwiches
from inside their coat pockets and start to eat.
Moshe the deli manager is not happy with
what he sees. So he goes over to them and says, "Look, I'll give you both
one of our snacks free of charge. My customers won’t mind, seeing you are
Rabbis. But please, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
Rabbi Bloom and Rabbi Levy look at each
other with twinkles in their eyes. Without saying a word, they shrug their
shoulders, exchange their homemade sandwiches and carry on eating.
(#1136) Music wins the day
Lionel is a well-educated bachelor who
feels ready to marry and settle down. But he’s shy and finds it difficult
to meet women. So he’s developed a great love of classical music and spends
much of his spare time going to concerts.
Meanwhile, Lionel’s parents have been
searching for a suitable shiddach (arranged marriage partner) for him.
Then one day, to their great relief, two potential candidates come onto
the scene at the same time (just like London buses). After talking to the
two young ladies, his father has a word with Lionel.
"Lionel, I think I may have found you
a wife. I have been in touch with two very acceptable, but quite different
girls for you to choose from and both say they are ready to marry. Let
me show you their photos."
The first photo is of a beautiful woman.
"Rebecca," says his father, "informs me that she has a talent for cooking
great kosher food – her matzo-ball soup is supposed to be superb. She also
keeps fit with aerobics and Israeli dancing. But she left school at 15
and admits to having no talent whatsoever for music."
He then shows Lionel a photo of an ugly
woman. She has what looks like a moustache on her top lip, her neck is
as thick as a wrestler’s neck, she has cross-eyes, her nose is crooked
and her lips are almost non-existent.
"Now Sadie," says his father, "might not
be great looking but she comes from a fine, noble family, has a first class
degree from Oxford University and has a wonderful operatic voice. She’ll
be famous one day - she showed me a Poster of a concert she’s giving soon
at the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden."
Lionel studies the two photos. Although
Rebecca is gorgeous, his keen love of music wins him over and he chooses
Sadie. Within weeks, they marry.
On the first morning of their honeymoon,
Lionel awakes before Sadie. He takes one look at that face staring up at
him from their pillow, shakes Sadie and cries out, "Sadie, for goodness
sake, sing a little something."
(#1137) The synagogue service
Max has been a confirmed atheist ever
since he left University. But now that he is approaching his 60th birthday,
spiritual issues start to become part of his life and he decides to ‘become’
a Jew again. The next shabbes, Max goes to shul for the first time in nearly
40 years.
He enjoys the occasion and even listens
attentively to the Rabbi’s sermon, especially the bit at the end when the
Rabbi announces that his sermon next week would be about the great flood.
At the end of the service, Max goes over
to the Rabbi and says, "Rabbi, I really enjoyed the service. Unfortunately
I won’t be able to attend next week. But please don’t think I will be shirking
my duties – I can be as charitable as the next man. So please put me down
for £20 for the flood victims."
(#1138) The 3 sons
Issy leaves school and decides to open
a small grocery store in Hendon. He’s good to his customers and the store
does well. Soon he meets a beautiful girl and within months they are married.
A year later a boy arrives. Issy calls Dr Myers, a mohel, who performs
the Bris and charges Issy £50.
Over the next 12 months, his business
begins to take off and Issy opens a large supermarket in Hampstead. It
too does well and they buy a nice house near their business. Then a second
boy arrives and once again Issy calls Dr Myers who performs the Bris and
who this time charges him £250.
Over the next two years, Issy opens more
supermarkets and even moves into the catering business. They move home
again, this time to a large 8-bedroom house in Knightsbridge. Then, once
again, his wife presents him with a son and once again Issy requests the
services of Dr Myers who performs the Bris. This time, Dr Myers charges
Issy £1,000.
As Issy hands over the cheque, he says
to Dr Myers, "Over the time we’ve been using you, your charges have increased
by far more than inflation. Why should this be so? Is it because I’m wealthy?"
Dr Myers replies, "No, absolutely not.
My £50 charge was for a Bris, my £250 charge was for a ritual
circumcision and my £1,000 charge was for an extra special shmuckelotomy."
(#1139) Anniversary surprise
It’s Henry and Diane’s second wedding
anniversary and for a surprise, Henry decides to send some flowers to her
office. He even instructs the florist to write on the card: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. Year Number
2"
Diane is thrilled with the flowers, but
not so pleased with the card. It reads: -
"From Henry. Happy Anniversary. You're
Number 2"
(#1140) The beggar
Moshe is strolling down Oxford Street
one afternoon when he sees a beggar sitting on the pavement outside John
Lewis department store with a placard around his neck saying, in Yiddish,
"PLEASE CAN YOU HELP A POOR MAN"
Moshe notices that the beggar is always
smiling and whenever passers-by put money in his hat, the beggar thanks
them personally. So Moshe goes over to the beggar and puts a £5 note
in his hat.
"Why thank you very much sir," says the
beggar, "you are very generous."
"Tell me," asks Moshe, "don’t you have
a family?"
"Oh yes," replies the beggar, "I have
a lovely family."
"Do you have any children?" asks Moshe.
"I have two handsome boys and two beautiful
girls," replies the beggar, "and all four are very happily married."
"Well I think it’s disgraceful that they
won’t support you," says Moshe.
"But they would support me if I let them,"
says the beggar.
"So why don’t you let them?" asks Moshe.
"What, and lose my hard won independence?"
replies the beggar.
(#1141) The home help
Naomi was happily married with two lovely
boys. When she gave birth for the third time, her mother came over to stay
with the family to help out. The two boys were excited that their bubbeh
was coming - they always got on well with her.
The first thing bubbeh did was to go out
and buy some of her own favourite cleaning materials so that, throughout
her stay, Naomi’s house would be spotless. Bubbeh scrubbed the kitchen,
bathrooms and toilets, vacuumed the carpets and polished the silver. Soon,
the smell of bubbeh’s cleansers, polishes and air fresheners was everywhere.
After two months, bubbeh went back to
her own house, her job done. A few days later, Naomi used one of bubbeh’s
cleansers to remove a greasy mark from her kitchen worktop. She had just
put away the cleanser when her youngest son came into the kitchen and said,
"Where's bubbeh, mummy?"
"She’s back at her own house now," said
Naomi, "don't you remember we took her to the station?"
"Then why do I smell her perfume?" he
asked.
(#1142) Bible marketing
Abe is in New York on business. On his
3rd night, he goes back to his hotel room feeling quite miserable. Although
the trip’s going well, business-wise, he’s feeling very lonely - he’s missing
his wife Sarah.
He casually picks up the Gideon bible
from his bedside table and opens it. On the first page, he reads: -
"If you’re sick, read Psalm 18."
"If you’re troubled, read Psalm 45."
"If you’re lonely, read Psalm 92."
"If you’re ………"
That’s it! He stops there, immediately
turns to Psalm 92 and starts to read. How surprised he is, then, when he
gets to the end of the Psalm, to see someone has written: -
"If you’re still lonely, why don’t you
call Fifi on 202-123-1234."
(#1143) Customer service
Joshua worked for "Levine’s Tailors" and
was a successful salesman. He was always polite to his customers and as
a result was nearly always able to sell a suit to anyone who walked into
the shop. So it was a surprise when, after 10 successful years, he resigned
to join the police force.
His father couldn’t understand why his
son should give up a good job to become a policeman. So at the end of Joshua’s
first week, he rang Joshua to ask how he liked his new job.
"Well dad," Joshua replied, "It’s nice
of you to ask. The salary is just about OK, the hours aren't as bad as
I thought they would be and my colleagues are a great bunch. But what I
like best is that the customer is always wrong."
(#1144) A shaky start
Aaron was soon to be married and was feeling
very rough. He was so worried about the commitment he would have to make
that he went to see his Rabbi. As Aaron walked in, Rabbi Bloom couldn’t
help noticing that he was shaking like a leaf.
"So what’s with the shaking, Aaron?” asked
Rabbi Bloom.
"I can't go through with my marriage,"
he answered, "I feel so sick that my stomach is cramping up all the time.
My legs are like rubber bands and I can hardly walk in a straight line.
I don’t know whether I’m coming or going, Rabbi."
Rabbi Bloom smiled, "Don’t worry, Aaron,
yours are common symptoms. I get to see them quite regularly. You’ve got
PMS."
"I’ve got PMS?" said Aaron, puzzled.
"Yes," said Rabbi Bloom, "You’ve got a
dose of Pre-Marriage Syndrome."
(#1145) A cut above the rest
Emanuel the mohel comes home early in
a nervous state. His hands are shaking violently. He has just performed
a circumcision on an elderly man and although it went well he is worried
that one day it just might happen that things could really go wrong. He
now thinks he should take out some professional insurance and calls Monty,
who is an insurance broker.
"Monty," says Emanuel, "I need some malpractice
cover designed for mohels."
"This I've never heard before," says Monty,
"but give me a day to investigate."
Next day, Monty calls back, "Do you want
the good news or the bad news?"
"So give me the good news first," says
Emanuel.
"No regular insurance company will offer
you such insurance. But Lloyds of London will insure you for up to £1M
at a premium of £500 per year."
"Nu, and the bad news?" asks Emanuel.
"There's a two inch deductible."
(#1146) Morning joy
Renee and Daniel have been married for
over 50 years. One morning, they both awake from a good night’s sleep.
As usual, Daniel reaches over and takes her hand in his.
"Don't touch me," says Renee.
"Why not, my dear?" replies a shocked
Daniel.
"Because," says Renee, "I'm dead."
"What on earth are you talking about?"
says Daniel, "We're both lying here in bed together and we’re talking to
one another. How can you be dead?"
"But I am, Daniel," says Renee, "I'm definitely
dead. I’m sure of it."
"So what makes you think you're dead?"
asks Daniel.
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing
hurts."
(#1147) I can’t wait
Naomi is out shopping in Waitrose supermarket
in Brent Cross. As she goes down the aisles putting things into her trolley,
she hums and sings to herself. She is still singing as she reaches the
check out desk.
"My, you seem to be happy today," says
the cashier.
"Yes I am," replies Naomi, "and I have
every reason to be. I've got a beautiful house in Mayfair, I’ve three handsome
sons, all doctors, my bank account is extremely healthy and my husband
Abe's life is insured for £5M."
"I’m glad to hear it," says the cashier.
"Yes, and that’s not all," says Naomi,
"my Abe is not in the best of health."
(#1148) New policy
There’s a new car insurance policy written
especially for Jewish mothers. It’s called the "My Fault" policy.
(#1149) What a day
Harry came home from work one day and
said to his wife, "Kitty, just for once, please, don't start telling me
about all the troubles you encountered today. Instead, why don't you ask
what happened to me today?"
Kitty remained silent.
"So ask already," said Harry, "what kind
of day did I have? Go on,  just ask will you."
Kitty relented. "OK Harry, so what happened?"
At this, Harry buried his head in his
hands, moaned and said, "What happened? Oy Vay, Kitty, better you shouldn't
ask."
(#1150) The pain
Moshe was known to all his friends as
a hypochondriac. One day he awoke with a pain on his left side and was
convinced that his pain was appendicitis. But his wife Sadie told him that
appendices were on the right side of the body.
"Aha," said Moshe, "so that's why it's
hurting me so much. My appendix is obviously on the wrong side."
(#1151) Mistaken identity
[My thanks to Frank R for
the following]
As Abe was crossing Golders Green High
Street, he was hit by a car. Fortunately, it was a glancing blow and the
car wasn't moving very fast.
Suddenly, a young priest ran to him and
began to administer last rites, just in case.
"Thank you," Abe said, as he got his breath
back, "but I'm not Catholic, you know."
"What?" said the priest.  "But I
saw with my own eyes that you made the sign of the cross as you fell."
"No," Abe explained, "I was just checking."
"Checking? Checking what?" said the priest.
"Everything important," replied Abe, "spectacles,
testicles, wallet and watch."
(#1152) The results
[My thanks to Hilary A for
the following]
Lionel takes Freda to their doctor for
a check-up. After the doctor finishes examining Freda, he takes Lionel
aside and says, "I don't like the look of your wife at all."
"I don’t either, doctor," says Lionel,
"but she's really very good with the children and she’s a great cook."
(#1153) Marital problems
[My thanks to Alex S for
the following]
After being married for over 60 years,
Rivkah is filing for divorce against Cyril.
At the court hearing the judge is very
surprised that this seemingly nice elderly couple are experiencing marital
problems. So he turns to Rivkah and asks, "Why do you want a divorce?"
"Vell," replies Rivkah, "Mine husband
is now not alvays very nice to me. And lately it has become unbearable."
"So can you give me an example please?
" asks the judge.
"Yes I can, " replies Rivkah, "Ve both
vear dentures and many times in the last six months, vhen I’m asleep at
night, he steals mine to eat garlic."
(#1154) What the Jewish Buddha says
[My thanks to Hilary A and
Charles K for the following]


The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a single “Oy”


If you wish to know the way, don't ask for
directions, just argue


Take only what is given. Own nothing but your
clothes and a begging bowl - unless, of course, you have wardrobe space.


Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let
your stillness be as a wooded forest. And sit up straight or you'll never
meet the Buddha with a posture like that.


There is no escaping karma. In a previous
life, you never visited, you never called and you never wrote. And whose
fault was that?


Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage,
however, is another story.


Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
But also be aware that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal
illness.


Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe
out. Forget this and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your
problems.


The Tao has no expectations, it demands nothing
of others, it doesn’t speak, it doesn’t blame and doesn’t take sides. The
Tao is not Jewish.


Drink green tea and enhance your life. Experience
joy with the first sip, satisfaction with the second sip and a Danish with
the third sip.


The Buddha teaches us that we should practice
loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it a crime to find
a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?


Be patient and you’ll achieve all things.
Be impatient and you’ll achieve all things faster.


In nature, there is no good or bad, better
or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or
short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"


To find the Buddha, look within yourself.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand
times and each blossom has ten thousand petals. Maybe you should see a
specialist?


Let go of pride, ego and opinions. Admit your
errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and
healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.


Though only your skin, sinews and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate
and not stir until you have attained full enlightenment.   But
first, a little nosh.


Accept misfortune as a blessing. Don’t wish
for perfect health or a life without problems.  What would you talk
about?


The Torah says, "Love thy neighbour as thyself." 
The Buddha says, "there is no self".   So maybe you're off the
hook. If there is no self, whose angina is this?


Wherever you go, there you are.  
Your luggage is another story.


My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves
completely.


Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain
nothingness. And then what do you have? Bubkes (Something trivial, worthless,
insultingly disproportionate to expectations)


go to fifty-third
set