Jokes 51 Set

(#1115) Advice for the ladies
Rabbi Levy is addressing the ‘Enlighten
Your Daughter’ meeting of the synagogue women’s guild. "Ladies," he says,
"I’m sure some of you know by now that the unfortunate Jonathan Bloom has
been sent to prison for making love to his wife Sadie’s dead body."
A number of ‘Oy Vays’ are heard from the
ladies present.
"You might also be interested to know,"
the Rabbi goes on to say, "that I spoke to Jonathan yesterday and I now
firmly believe that his actions were entirely innocent and accidental.
So although we are all feeling sorry for Jonathan, there is a lesson to
be learned.  Ladies, go back home to your daughters and tell them
that when making love with a good Jewish husband, they should please make
a little wiggle."
(#1116) Tradition
[My thanks to Leonie L for
the following]
Rabbi Gold is conducting his very first
service at one of London’s oldest synagogues. All is going well until he
gets to the ‘Shema’ prayer - only half his congregation stand up. Those
still seated start yelling ‘sit down’ to those standing and those standing
start yelling ‘stand up’ to those sitting. Although Rabbi Bloom is knowledgeable
about much of the law, he doesn’t know what to do. He thinks it must be
something to do with the synagogue’s tradition.
After the service, Rabbi Bloom consults
Abe, the synagogue’s oldest member. "I need to know, Abe, what the synagogue’s
tradition is with regard to the Shema prayer. Is the tradition to stand
during this prayer?"
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"So the tradition is to sit during Shema?"
says Rabbi Bloom.
Abe replies, "No, that is not the tradition."
"But," says Rabbi Bloom, "my congregation
argue all the time. They yell at each other about whether they should sit
or stand and ..."
Abe interrupts, exclaiming, "Aha, THAT
is the tradition!"
(#1117) Advice from awordinyoureye
Remember, you don't stop laughing because
you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
(#1118) What did you say?
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Sam’s daughter says to him one day, "Dad,
as you’re coming up to 80, why don’t you go see doctor Seigal and get him
to give you a full medical? You haven’t been yourself ever since Mum died."
"OK," says Sam. And sure enough, a week
later, he has a full health check.
Three days afterwards, doctor Seigal is
surprised to see Sam walking towards him in Edgware High Street with a
beautiful, sexy looking lady on his arm. She looks no more than 30. When
they meet, doctor Seigal says, "It’s nice to see you Sam. When you have
a moment, why don’t you call me? I have something I need to discuss with
you."
"OK doctor," says Sam, "I’ll call you
this afternoon."
When Sam rings later that day, doctor
Seigal says to him, "I see that you’ve decided to start seeing other women,
Sam."
"Yes doctor," replies Sam, "I’m doing
what you suggested when you said ‘get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’"
"But that’s not what I said, Sam," says
doctor Seigal, "I told you that ‘you've got a heart murmur... be careful.’"
(#1119) A night out
[My thanks to BMS for the
following]
Issy decides to go out for the evening.
He might be nearly 90 years of age but Issy still thinks of himself as
one of God’s gifts to the ladies. He gets himself ready in the usual manner
and then looks at himself in the mirror. What does he see? He sees a handsome,
mature, smartly dressed gentleman in a great looking modern suit, a carnation
in his lapel, well groomed hair and sparkling eyes. Issy is pleased with
what he sees. He finishes by spraying on his favourite Eau Savage cologne
and then makes his way to the Park Lane Hilton.
Seated at the Hilton bar is Becky, in
her mid eighties. Issy walks over, sits besides her, and orders a drink.
When it arrives, he takes a sip, turns to Becky and says, "So tell me,
do I come here often?"
(#1120) The blind date
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Yitzhak is on his way to pick up his blind
date. Little does he know that he has been paired up with Estelle, who,
if truth be told, is definitely not one of the world’s good looking women
- in fact quite the opposite.
Yitzhak picks her up as arranged outside
Kings Cross station and as soon as she gets into his car, he knows he has
made a big mistake. He is so embarrassed to have Estelle in his car with
him and so afraid that one of his friends might see them together and think
he’s gone blind, that he drives to a dark desolate spot by the Thames and
turns off the engine.
Unfortunately, Estelle jumps to the wrong
conclusion. She thinks Yitzhak wants to make love to her. So she begins
to talk dirty and use all her sexual wiles to try and get Yitzhak in a
ravenous mood for sex. But he just sits staring out of the window, wishing
time would fly.
Finally, after half an hour of trying,
and boy, how she talked and talked, Estelle asks him, "Don't you want it"?
And Yitzhak replies, "I feel like I already
had it."
(#1121) Would a Jewish mother say such
things?


"If you’re good, I’ll buy you a motorbike
for your birthday."


"Of course it’s OK to walk to school. There
are only 3 main roads to cross."


"Get closer to the screen. How can you see
the TV sitting so far back?"


"There’s no need to wear a jacket tonight,
it's not that cold out."


"Could you turn the music up a bit louder,
please, so I can enjoy it too?"


"Run and bring me the scissors darling. And
hurry up."


"I don't have a tissue with me. Why don’t
you just use your sleeve."


"Well, if Sam’s mother says it's OK, then
that's good enough for me."


"If your wife wants you to move overseas to
live near her family, it's OK with me, darling."


"You really don't have to call me every week. 
I know how busy you are."


"Just live with him, you don't have to marry
him."


"Mother's day, Schmother's day, just go to
the cinema and enjoy yourselves."


"You’re really so lucky to have your in-laws.
They’re very nice people."


"Let me smell your shirt - OK, it’s good for
at least another week."


"Could you leave the lights on please - it
makes the house more cheerful."

(#1122) The question
Howard is visiting his prospective in-laws
for the first time. As soon as he arrives, the father asks him, "Young
man, can you support a family?"
Howard is surprised by this question and
replies, "Well sir, to be truthful, I can’t. But I’m only planning to support
your daughter - the rest of you will have to do whatever you can without
my help."
(#1123) Age has no barrier
4 year old David is having tea at his
grandma’s. After he finishes his smoked salmon bagel and almond Danish,
he goes over to her and asks, "Bubbeh how old are you?"
With a smile on her face, his bubbeh replies,
"I’m 42, darling - and holding."
David thinks about this reply for a moment,
then asks, "And how old would you be, bubbeh, if you let go?"
(#1124) Growing old riddle number 1
Q. Can a pea last for 1,000 years?
A. It seems that way sometimes.
(#1125) Growing old riddle number 2
Q. Which of our five senses diminishes
as we get older?
A. Our sense of decency.
(#1126) Growing old riddle number 3
Q. As we grow older, do we tend to gesture
more or less with our hands while talking?
A. Ask me one more growing old riddle
and I'll give you a gesture you won’t forget in a hurry.
(#1127) A pain in the mouth
Maurice wakes up with a terrible pain
in his mouth and books an emergency appointment to see Adrian, his dentist.
When Maurice gets into the chair, Adrian checks his teeth and says, "You’ve
got a badly decayed molar which really needs to be extracted right away.
Are you OK with injections?"
"No, I'm afraid of needles," replies Maurice.
"How about gas?" asks Adrian.
"No, I'm allergic to gas. I come out in
a terrible rash," replies Maurice.
Adrian then says, "I have an idea. Wait
here while I get something."
When he returns, Adrian gives Maurice
a glass of water and two blue pills.
"What kind of pills are these?" Maurice
asks.
"They’re just ordinary Viagra pills,"
replies Adrian.
"What? Will these deaden the pain?"
"No," replies Adrian, "they won't help
your pain at all, but they will give you something to hold onto whilst
I extract your tooth."
(#1128) The singer
Leah walks into a pet shop in Golders
Green and says to Hymie, the owner, "I want to buy a canary."
"We have many types," says Hymie, "is
there any particular one you’re after?"
"Yes," replies Leah, "its got to be a
very good singer. I'm prepared to pay good gelt (money) for a great singing
bird."
"Lady, I’ve got the very one," says Hymie,
"I’ve been in this business for a long time and this bird has the best
singing voice I’ve ever heard. We don’t call it ‘Pavarotti’ for nothing.
I’ll get it for you."
As he begins to climb a ladder to reach
a small cage on the top shelf, Leah says, "I hope you’re not wasting your
time. Just because you're climbing a ladder like a monkey won’t make me
feel obliged to buy this canary if it’s not a real singing canary."
Hymie brings down the cage, places it
on the shop counter and says to Leah, "Just you listen."
With that, the bird begins singing one
beautiful song after another. Pleasantly surprised, Leah murmurs, "What
mazel (luck) - this canary really can sing."
But then, a few seconds later, Leah shouts
out, "Oy Vay, this canary’s only got one leg. Are you trying to cheat me,
or what?"
Hymie calmly looks at Leah and replies,
"Lady, do you want a singer or a dancer?"
(#1129) Clever, or what?
[My thanks to Howard K for
the following]
Moshe, Reilly, Sean and Rowan had been
best of friends for over 10 years when unfortunately, Rowan is killed in
a car crash. The next day, the three remaining friends are looking at Rowan’s
body in his coffin.
Reilly says, "You know, Rowan was such
a great guy and friend to me that I don’t want him to go empty handed.
I’m going to give him £500."
With that, he takes out £500 in
notes and throws them into the coffin.
Then Sean says, "I agree with you. I’ll
match your gift."
And Sean throws £500 in notes into
the coffin.
Moshe says, "I liked him more than you
two, so I’m going to give him £1,000."
With that, Moshe writes out a cheque for
£2,000, throws it into the coffin and takes out £1,000 change.
(#1130) How we interpret words
1. VULNERABLE
Female Fully opening up, emotionally,
to another.
Male  Playing cricket without a cup.
2. COMMUNICATION
Female Sharing thoughts and feelings,
openly, with one's partner.
Male  Leaving a note before going
off to golf with the boys.
3. FLATULENCE
Female An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male  A source of entertainment,
self-expression, male bonding.
4. COMMITMENT
Female A desire to get married to this
one and raise a family.
Male  Trying hard not to look at
other women whilst out with this one.
5. MAKING LOVE
Female The greatest expression of intimacy
a couple can achieve.
Male  Call it anything you want,
as long as we do it.
(#1131) I know everything
Sharon is driving her 6year old daughter
Emma to her friend’s house for tea. On the way, Emma asks, "How old are
you, mummy?"
"Why darling," says Sharon, "you’re not
supposed to ask a woman her age. It’s not polite."
"OK," says Emma, "how much do you weigh,
mummy?"
"Really, Emma," says Sharon, "that’s a
very personal question."
Emma carries on, "Why did you and daddy
get divorced, mummy?"
"OK, that’s enough questions for today
darling. Anyway, we’re here now. Lets take you inside."
Later, Emma and her friend are playing
upstairs whilst their mothers are finishing tea.
"My mummy won’t tell me anything about
her," Emma says to her friend.
"All you need do," says her friend, "is
look at your mum’s driver’s license. It’s just like a report card, it has
everything you need to know about her on it."
Later, soon after they return home, Emma
says, "I know how old you are, mummy, you’re 30."
Sharon is surprised. "How did you know
that, darling?"
"I also know, mummy, that you weigh 10
stone 3 pounds."
Sharon is even more surprised. "How did
you find that out, darling?"
"I know everything, mummy," says Emma,
"I even know why you and daddy got divorced."
"OK," says Sharon, "so tell me why we
got divorced."
"Because you got an F in sex."
(#1132) A chronologically challenged
(i.e. elderly) woman speaks up


"Any woman can have the body of a 21 year
old. All we need do is buy him a few drinks first."


"My memory is not as good as it used to be. 
Also, my memory is not as good as it used to be."


"I found a way to prevent sagging. I eat till
the wrinkles fill out."


"I've still got it, but nobody wants to see
it."


"I'm into swing dancing.  Not on purpose,
some parts of my body are just prone to swinging."


"It's scary when I start making the same noises
as my coffee maker."


"I think I might have reached my sexpiration
date."


"As I age, men still look at my boobs, but
they have to squat down first."


"Half the stuff in my shopping trolley these
days says, ‘For fast relief.’"


"I don't think of it as getting hot flashes.
I think of it as my inner child playing with matches."


"I don’t let aging get me down, it's too hard
to get back up."

(#1133) Scientific fact
[My thanks to Stan for the
following]
Did you know that the human body has a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the toches? It is called the anal optic
nerve. If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your toches and see if
it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.
(#1134) A butcher joke
Shlomo walks into ‘Harry Kosher Butchers’,
goes over to Harry and says, "So, Harry, I hear that you’re something of
a betting man."
"Yes," replies Harry.
"Well," says Shlomo, "You’re a tall man,
so I bet you £50 that you can't reach those pieces of meat hanging
on those hooks up on that wall."
"I'm not taking your bet," says Harry.
"Why not?" says Shlomo, "I thought you
were a betting man."
"I am," says Harry, "but the steaks are
too high!"
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