(#615) The honeymoon
Maurice and Hannah got married and were
on their honeymoon. On their first night, they began getting undressed
together for the first time.
As soon as Maurice removed his shoes and
socks, Hanna quickly noticed how twisted and red looking his toes were.
"Whatever happened to your feet?" Hannah
asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio,"
replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes,"
Maurice said.
Maurice then took off his trousers to
reveal badly deformed, lumpy knees.
"What happened to your knees?" Hannah
asked.
"Well, I also had kneasles," replied Maurice.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneasles, it only affects the knees,"
Maurice said.
Finally Maurice removed his pants and
stood there in all his glory.
Hannah gasped and said, "Don't tell me,
you also had smallcox!"
(#616) The last game
Six retired Edgware men were playing poker
one evening in Abe’s house when Shlomo loses £650 on one big hand,
clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. The other five continue
playing but this time standing up to show respect for their departed friend.
Later, Abe asks, "Who's going to tell
his wife, Hette?"
They cut cards and Moishe loses. Before
he leaves, he is advised to be discreet and kind and to try hard not to
make a terrible situation any worse.
"Discreet?" says Moishe, "I'm the most
discreet man there is. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me
and don’t worry about a thing."
So Moishe goes over to Shlomo’s house
and rings the doorbell.
Hette opens the door and asks, "Nu, so
what do you want?"
Moishe replies, "Your husband just lost
£650 and is afraid to come home."
On hearing this, Hette yells, "SO TELL
HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD."
"OK I'll go tell him," says Moishe.
(#617) Time will tell
Rifka goes to her son's house and rings
the doorbell. When the maid lets her in, she is surprised to find her daughter-in-law
Sarah lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music is playing and the
aroma of expensive perfume fills the air.
"Sarah, what are you doing?" Rifka asks.
"I'm waiting for David to come home from
work," replies Sarah.
"But you're naked!" says Rifka.
"I know," says Sarah, "this is my love
dress. David loves me to wear this dress. It excites him no end. 
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes virile and makes
love to me for hours on end. Why don’t you try it with Benjy?"
Rifka goes home, undresses, has a bath
and puts on her best perfume. Then, still naked, she dims the lights, puts
on a romantic CD and lay on the settee waiting for Benjy to arrive.
Benjy comes home and sees Rifka laying
there, ever so provocatively.
"What on earth are you doing, Rifka?"
he asks.
"This is my love dress," she whispers,
sensually.
"It needs ironing," he says.
(#618) Visit to the cemetery
Moshe went to Edgware cemetery to visit
his friend Daniel’s grave. When he got there, he was shocked to see that
Daniel’s new headstone was leaning forward by some 45 degrees and could
topple over. So Moshe took some wire from his car, tied one end around
the headstone and fastened the other end onto a nearby telephone pole.
Then he left.
Some days later, two more of Daniel’s
friends, Abe and Issy came to visit him. Abe took one look at the grave
and said to Issy, “That’s just like Daniel. He’s only been here a short
while and already he’s got his own phone.”
(#619) The homework
Little Moishe is busy doing his homework.
As his mother walks past his room, she hears him saying, "One and one,
the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three
and three... "
So she asks him, "Darling, where did you
learn that way of doing sums?"
Moishe replies, "My teacher, Miss Anderson,
taught us that way, mummy."
Next day, Moishe’s mother goes into his
classroom, confronts Miss Anderson and tells her about Moishe’s ‘different’
way of doing arithmetic.
Miss Anderson is shocked. At first she
can’t understand why Moishe would say that she had taught it, but then
suddenly it dawned on her.
"I know why," she says, "in our class,
we say, one and one, the sum of which is two….."
(#620) Conversation with a taxi driver
Abe was visiting Israel for the first
time. As soon as his plane landed, he got a taxi to take him to his hotel.
The taxi driver was very friendly and told Abe all kinds of useful information.
Then Abe asks the driver, "Say, is Israel
a healthy place?"
"Oh, yes, it really is," the driver answered,
"When I first came here, I couldn't say even one simple word, I had hardly
any hair on my head, I didn't have the energy to walk across a small room
and I even had to be helped out of bed every day."
"That's a remarkable story, truly amazing,"
Abe said, "so how long have you been here in Israel?"
"I was born here."
(#621) Use of hands
Issy and Sam, both elderly gentlemen,
were in deep conversation. Sam said, "So, Issy, you’re the clever one,
how do those so called mobile phones work?"
Issy replied, "Well, in the left hand
you take the phone, and with the right hand you push the buttons. See.
Nothing magic about it is there?"
But Sam was not satisfied with this answer.
"Nu?" he says, "and how can one talk with
the hands so busy?"
(#622) Change of Name
In Golders Green there is a six-star hotel
called the Oy Vay Towers. It offers massage, mud baths, 24 hours a day
kosher eating, wonderful almond Danish and best of all, g-o-s-s-i-p. The
hotel pages its guests via high quality, clear sounding speakers sited
all around the hotel. Listening to messages such as "Telephone call for
Moishe Cohen from his lawyer," or "Could Sadie Levy ring her counsellor,”
or even “Benny Chesnick – could you please call your parole officer," is
a gossiper’s dream.
One day, everyone was surprised to hear
over the speakers, "Telephone call for Shane Ferguson, telephone call for
Shane Ferguson." At once, several people went to reception to get a look
at who this gentile staying at their hotel could be. They were therefore
surprised and very curious when an old man, obviously Jewish, came up to
the desk.
Later, one of the guests asked the old
man how he came to be named Shane Ferguson when he was so obviously Jewish.
This is what he told them.
"When I left my home town to come to London,
my name was Samuel Mincoffski. But my uncle thought it might be best if
I told immigration that my name was Sam Lyons. I practiced saying my new
name over and over for the entire boat trip. I asked the sailors to say
it for me and I learned how to pronounce it. Time passed very quickly and
soon I was standing in line at the immigration office. But while waiting,
I began to worry about everything. Would I say my name properly? What if
they wouldn’t believe me? Would I be able to spell it? Would they arrest
me and send me back? My mind started to spin and I got so confused that
when I reached the front of the queue and the officer asked me my name,
I panicked and said, “schane fergessen” (I forgot already). So that's what
the immigration man wrote down.”
(#623) The house warming
Morris had become a multi-millionaire
during his successful working life. When he retired, he bought himself
the largest and most expensive mansion in London that money could buy.
Then he invited some friends to a house warming party.
The day came and he naturally took them
on a tour around his enormous home.
When they came to the dining room, there
was a gasp of amazement - the room was so large that they could hardly
see the other end clearly. Morris proudly pointed to the exquisitely carved
and polished mahogany table that ran from one end of the room all the way
to the other and said, "In this room, I can entertain as many as a hundred
and twenty-five people -- God forbid."
(#624) Why buy?
It was a hot day. Moshe was sitting in
Brent Cross shopping centre drinking from a bottle of Evian water when
his friend Benny came over and sat next to him.
Benny looked at the bottle in Moshe’s
hand and asked, “Do you ever wonder why people spend almost £1 on
such little bottles of water?”
“No,” replied Moshe.
“Well,” continued Benny, “Try spelling
Evian backwards.”
(#625) My 13 discoveries of old age
1. I started out with nothing and I still
have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes
and bran flakes.
3. I finally got my head together. Unfortunately,
now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It’s easier to get older than to get
wiser.
8. It's hard to make a comeback when you
haven't been anywhere.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
10. It's not hard to meet expenses--they're
everywhere.
11. The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
12. These days, I spend a lot of time
thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then
wonder what I’m hereafter.
13. I am unable to remember if I emailed
this to you before.
(#626) The Male Rules
In the 7th set of jokes, #205 to be precise,
you read The Jewish Rules from the female side.  Now here are the
rules from the male side.


Birthdays and anniversaries should not be
challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.


Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.


Sunday is sports day. It's like gravity or
a full moon or gravity.  Let it be.


Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear
on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints.
So just simply tell us what you want.


We don't remember dates. So write birthdays
and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.


Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big
girl now, so if it's up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and
you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.


Shopping is not a sport and we are never,
ever going to think of it as such.


Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to most questions.


Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions
and neither do we.


Only come to us with a problem if you really
want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends
do.


Anything we said over 3 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


If you think you're fat, you probably are. 
Don't ask us. We won’t answer.


Most men own at most three pairs of shoes.
So what makes you think we're any good at helping you decide which pair
of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?


If something we said can be interpreted two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


Men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour and we have no idea
what mauve is.


We are not mind readers and never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about
you.


If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.


When we have to go out somewhere, anything
you wear is fine. Really.


If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.


Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I
have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind
that, it's like camping.

(#627) Quickies
Q: Why is it important for the groom to
stamp on a glass?
A: Because it's the last time he'll put
his foot down.
Q: What's the difference between a Bris
and a Get*?
A: With a Get, you're rid of the whole
schmuck.
               
(*A "Get" is a divorce)
(#628)  Gnilleps
Grandma Anne was babysitting and was playing
junior scrabble with Emma. Emma had just drawn her second letter "O" and
was trying to make a word with the other letters she had. Suddenly, with
a triumphant shout, Emma said, "look grandma, I’ve made a word."
Grandma Anne looked at Emma’s tiles and
saw they had been lined up to spell KOOB. So she asked, "What kind of word
is KOOB, Emma?"
"No grandma," said Emma, "you're not saying
it right. It says BOOK."
Grandma Anne had a sinking feeling. Did
Emma have dyslexia, she wondered? So she said, gently, "But, darling, you've
spelled it backwards."
With a sigh reserved only for dumb adults,
Emma explained, "Of course I have, grandma, I'm Jewish!"
(#629) Mistaken identity
Issy and Hetty, a young orthodox married
couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Hetty’s water broke
on Shabbos and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to
the hospital’s maternity ward. Because Issy wanted to try and minimise
the Shabbos violation, he told the controller that he must send them only
a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Issy
and Hetty were getting in, they overheard the controller on the two-way
radio ask the driver, “Have you picked up the anti-semites yet?”
(#630) Don’t be impatient
Arnold and Isaac were residents in a nursing
home. Even though they were best of friends, they were still prone to argue
with each other.
One day, they are queuing up at the canteen
to get their lunch. Because Arnold is taking his time, Isaac says to him,
"Hey you! Hurry up already before I punch you in the teeth."
Arnold turns round, looks at Isaac and
says, "OK. Go ahead. Make my day! My teeth are upstairs in the glass by
my bed."
(#631) The budget
Helen and Issy were having a hard time
financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her
household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress
dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand. When Issy returned from work,
Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money.
She said, "Just think, Issy, we are £3
richer because I washed this dress by hand."
"Great," Issy quickly replied. "Wash it
again!"
(#632) Get stuck in
When the air raid siren went off in Tel
Aviv, Hannah rushed down the stairs toward the basement of their apartment
block. Isaac was much slower so she stopped and shouted back up the stairs,
"Come on, Isaac, get moving will you?"
Isaac shouted down to her, "Wait a minute,
Hannah. I’m looking for my teeth."
"Never mind your silly teeth, Isaac,"
Hannah shouted back, "what do you think they’ll drop on us – smoked salmon
bagels?"
(#633) Telephone messages
Kitty, my mother, has just bought her
first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record
on it?


If you want me to make smoked salmon when
you come round, press 1;


If you want chopped liver press 2;


If you want chicken soup, press 3;


If you want chicken soup with matzoh balls,
press 4;


If you want to know how am I feeling, you
must have dialled the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am.
Who knows, I could even be dead by now.

(#634) The voyeurs
Becky, Rifka and Estelle are passing by
the half open door to the men's changing rooms at the Mazeltov golf club
when they can’t help noticing a man with his face obscured by the towel
he is using to dry his hair. However, they do get quite a good view of
his nakedness from his waist down.
Later, Becky says, "Well, I didn't see
his face, but he's certainly not my husband!"
Rifka says, "And he isn't mine, either!"
Estelle says, "Hell, he isn't even a member
of the club!"
go to twentyseventh
set