IN THE BEGINNING, G-D CREATED HEAVEN AND EARTH...
He was then faced with a class action lawsuit for failing to file an
environmental inpact statement from HEPA (Heavenly Environmental
Protection Agency), an angelically staffed agency dedicated to keeping
the universe pollution free.
G-d was granted a temporary permit for the heavenly portion of the
project, but was issued a cease and desist order on the earthly
portion of the project, pending further investigation by HEPA. Upon
completion of His construction permit and environmental impact
statement, G-d appeared before HEPA council to answer some questions.
When asked why He began these projects in the first place, He simply
replied that He liked to be creative. This was not considered an
adequate reason and He was required to substantiate this further.
HEPA was unable to see any practical use for earth anyway, since "the
earth was void and empty and darkness was on the face of the deep."
Then G-d said, "Let there be Light."
He should never have brought up this point, since one member of the
Council was active in the Sierrangel Club and immediately protested,
asking how the Light was to be made. Would there be strip mining? Air
Pollution? G-d explained that the Light would come from a huge ball of
Nobody on the council really understood this, but it was provisionally
accepted, assuming 1) that there would be no smog or smoke resulting
from the burning; 2) a seperate burning permit would be required; and
3) since continuous light would be a waste of energy, it should be
dark half of the time. So G-d agreed to divide the Light and the
Darkness and He would call the Light Day and the Darkness Night. (The
Council expressed no interest in in-house semantics.)
When asked how the earth would be covered, G-d said, "Let there be
firmament made amidst the waters; and let it divide the waters from
the waters." One ecologically radical Council member accused Him of
double talk, but the Council tabled action since G-d would have to
first file for a permit from the ABLM (Angelic Bureau of Land
Management) and further would be required to obtain water permits from
the appropriate agencies involved.
The council asked if there would only be water and firmament, and G-d
said, "Let the earth bring forth the green herb, and such as may seed,
and the fruit tree yielding after its own kind, which may have seen
itself upon the earth." The Council agreed as long as native seed
would be used. About future development G-d also said, "Let the waters
bring forth the creeping creature having life, and the fowl that may
fly over the earth." Here again, the Council took no formal action
since this would require approval of the Fish and Game Commission
coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
It then appeared the everything was in order until G-d stated that He
wanted to complete the project in six days. At this time He was
advised by the Council that his timing was was completely out of the
question...HEPA would require a minimum of 180 days to review the
application and enviromental impact statement, and then there would be
public hearings. It would take 10 to 12 months before a permit would
G-d said, "To Hell with it!"