Jokes 57 Set

(#1235) The wrong one
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Naomi’s husband dies and all of a sudden
she’s on her own to bring up Leah, her 10year old daughter. After some
time has passed, she starts looking for a partner, not an easy task, but
then Mr Shapiro comes onto the scene. He’s much older than Naomi but is
wealthy and presentable, so Naomi accepts his invite for a meal at Bens
Kosher Kitchen. They have a good time and start seeing each other on a
regular basis. She likes him very much and is glad things are getting serious
between them – after all, Leah could do with a new father figure around
the house.
When it’s time to introduce Mr Shapiro
to Leah, she decides to invite him over for a shabbes dinner. He accepts
and at once Naomi begins to worry about the one thing that could ruin her
chances of marriage - Mr Shapiro has a large wart on his nose. She is worried
that Leah will not only stare at it but also laugh at it. No matter how
hard she tries, she can’t get the scene out of her mind.
Friday arrives and she’s in such despair
that she decides to tell Leah what’s troubling her. As they are setting
the table, she says, "Please Leah, I want you be on your very best behaviour
tonight and.….oh yes, one other thing, darling, don’t say a thing about
the wart on Mr Shapiro’s nose. I don’t want him upset."
"OK, mum, I won’t mention it, I promise,"
says Leah.
In the event, the meal is a great success.
Conversation flows easily and Leah behaves impeccably, not a word out of
place. Naomi breathes a massive sigh of relief when Leah asks to be excused
just before dessert. As Leah closes the door behind her, Naomi turns towards
Mr Shapiro and asks, "So Mr Shapiro, would you like cream or custard on
your wart?”
(#1236) Deja vu
[My thanks to Ian S for
the following]
Abe is on holiday in Israel with his wife,
children and mother-in-law. Sadly, while they are visiting Jerusalem, Abe's
mother-in-law dies. Abe goes to the British Embassy with her death certificate
in his hand to make arrangements to send her body back to the UK for burial.
As soon as the Embassy official realises that it’s Abe’s mother-in-law
who has died, he tells Abe that it’s very expensive to send a body back
to the UK.
"It could cost as much as £2,000,"
he says, "so in most cases, the family decide to bury the body here in
Israel because this only costs £100."
But Abe gets agitated, "I don't care how
much it costs to send her body back to the UK, that's what I want to do.
OK?"
"OK," says the official, "calm down. We’ll
do it. You must have loved your mother-in-law a lot, considering the price
difference."
"No, that’s not the reason," says Abe,
"it’s just that I know of a case of someone who was buried here in Jerusalem
many, many years ago and on the 3rd day he arose from the dead. I just
don’t want to take that chance."
(#1237) The honest interview reply
Reporters from the Jewish Chronicle are
interviewing Sadie, who is celebrating her 108th birthday.
"Sadie, dear, can you please tell us what
you think is the best thing about being 108? I’m sure our readers would
love to know," one of the reporters asks.
Sadie replies, "There’s no peer pressure."
(#1238) Things to come
As little Joshua was being given a bath
by his mother, he started closely examining his testicles.
"Are these my brains, mummy?" he asked
"No, darling," she replied, "not yet they’re
not."
(#1239) The flower show
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Freda and Ethel, both in their eighties,
are sitting on a bench outside Edgware town hall where they had just visited
the annual flower show. Freda turns to Ethel and says, "Don’t you agree
that life is getting more and more boring? We don’t seem to be able to
have the fun we used to."
"I agree with you there," says Ethel.
"Do you know," continues Freda, "I’d love
to take off all my clothes and run naked through the flower show. That
would liven things up."
"I bet you £5 you wouldn’t dare,"
says Ethel.
"You're on!" says Freda and 2 minutes
later, completely naked, she ‘streaks’ through the front door of the flower
show.
As Ethel waits outside, she hears a commotion
going on inside the town hall. Then Freda, still naked, runs back out,
followed by a smiling, cheering crowd.
"What happened, Freda?" asks Ethel.
"I just won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement."
(#1240) Start with the easy solution
[My thanks to Hilary for
the following]
Faye and Monty have been married for over
30 years when all of a sudden they decide to separate. It shocks friends
and family alike.
Monty decides to become more ‘orthodox’
and starts to spend much time in the synagogue with Rabbi Bloom. Then,
two years after they split, Monty and Faye decide to get back together.
Monty now wants Faye to join him in becoming
more orthodox and asks that she does out the kitchen and make it ‘glatt
kosher’. But Faye is not at all interested. Monty is very upset with her
attitude and goes to see Rabbi Bloom.
"Rabbi," he asks, "what can I do? How
can I get Faye to become more orthodox? For example, how can I get her
to run a kosher kitchen?"
Rabbi Bloom strokes his beard and nods
sympathetically. "Tell me, Monty, how many Jewish commandments are there
in existence?"
Monty has recently learned this and quickly
gives the correct answer, "613."
Rabbi Bloom replies, "so why don’t you
start with ones that don't annoy her?"
(#1241) Jury service
Did you hear about the typical Jewish
mother?
Once, when she was on jury service, they
sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
(#1242) Big business
Abe is just starting out in business in
Golders Green. But he has to start small and decides to open up a lemonade
stand outside Ben’s Bagels. He puts up a sign which says,   
ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR 25p
It’s a hot day and almost immediately
some children arrive and pay him 25p. One boy quickly drinks the lemonade
he’s given, goes over to Abe with the empty cup and says, "could you please
refill my cup?"
Abe replies, "OK, but that will be another
25p."
"How come?" says the boy, "the sign clearly
says ‘All you can drink for 25p."
"Nu?" says Abe, "you had a glass of lemonade,
didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Well," says Abe, "that's all you can
drink for 25p."
(#1243) It’s obvious
It is Friday and to his surprise, Max
is told that he is being promoted to manager. He is also given the afternoon
off. When he gets home to his 6th floor flat and tells his wife Helen the
good news, they decide to celebrate by making love. But what are they going
to do about their 9year old son Sam?
"I know," says Max, "let’s put Sam out
onto the balcony and get him to report to us on everything he sees happening
in the neighbourhood. That’ll keep him busy."
"Good idea, darling" says Helen and 10
minutes later, Sam begins his reporting at the same time she and Max begin
their lovemaking.
"OK dad," reports Max, "they’re towing
away Mr Shineman’s 4x4 from in front of his flat."
A few moments later, Max says, "A fire
engine has just stopped outside the Himmelfarb’s shop."
Then he shouts out, "Looks like the Levy’s
are going to the synagogue."
Followed quickly by, "My friend David’s
riding his new red 2 wheeler bike across the main road."
And then, "Mr and Mrs Abrahams are having
sex."
At that, Max and Helen sit up in bed and
shout out, "How do you know that, Sam?"
"Because," Sam replies, "their son Paul,
like me, is standing on their balcony reporting what he sees."
(#1244) Prayers of value
"Rabbi, why do we always have to say our
prayers at night?" said little Emma.
"Because, my dear child, it's cheap rate
after 6 o’clock."
(#1245) The sandwich
Every time someone goes into a delicatessen
and orders a pastrami sandwich on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
(#1246) God forbid
The habit of asking God to prevent calamities
is a hard one to break. One Jewish businessman, driven to despair by his
rival’s devious actions, shouted at him, "You should only drop dead - God
forbid."
(#1247) The whole divorce
[My thanks to Ian for the
following]
Rivkah is in court finalising her divorce.
As soon as she signs the final paper and realises her divorce is complete,
she says out loud, "At last, now all I have to do is arrange for a Get."
The judge hears her and asks, "Mrs Gold,
what do you mean by ‘Get’?"
Rivkah replies, "Well your Honor, a Get
is a religious ceremony that’s required under the Jewish religion in order
to receive a divorce."
"You mean like a Brit Milah?" asks the
judge.
"Yes," Rivkah relies, "it’s very similar.
But in a Get, you get rid of the whole schmuck."
(#1248) For the wine lovers amongst
you
[My thanks to Malcolm for
the following]
You will all know that Pinot Noir is one
of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making
wine. It is recognized worldwide as a great wine grape and is grown in
many countries of the world. Now the English have come onto the scene.
They are marketing a new wine developed especially for elderly drinkers
based on a new hybrid anti-diuretic wine grape. They are calling this wine
‘Pinot More’.
(#1249) Naomi’s turn
[My thanks to Anna R for
the following]
It started when Faye and Naomi were friends
at school. Faye seemed to spend her entire time trying to get one over
on Naomi and never missed an opportunity to belittle her. Whatever Naomi
had or did, Faye would better it.
Then they left school to go their own
ways. 30 years later, by chance, Faye and Naomi meet again at Brent Cross
shopping centre. And guess what?  Nothing has changed. Within minutes,
Faye is boasting about her life and whenever Naomi says something, Faye
dismisses it with contempt. After fifteen minutes of this, Faye looks at
her watch and says, "I must go pick up my diamonds. My husband Lou is so
wealthy that once a month he sends them to Hatton Garden for cleaning.
We’re going to the Royal Opera tonight, it’s Madama Butterfly, and we have
the best seats. So I need my diamonds."
"Oh," replies Naomi with a smile on her
face, "do you clean your diamonds? My husband David is so rich that he
throws my diamonds away when they get dirty and buys me new ones."'
(#1250) Shipwrecked
At the end of a hard year’s work, Moshe
decides to take a holiday right away and he books himself on a Caribbean
cruise.  The first few days of the cruise are perfect but then calamity
- the ship sinks and Moshe ends up on a small, uncharted island. He looks
around and sees that there is nothing nearby except bananas and coconuts.
Still, these are better than starving to death.
Ten weeks later, as he is sitting in the
shade, to his surprise a small boat lands on the beach and the most beautiful
woman he has ever seen gets out,  walks over to him and says, "Hi."
He can’t believe his luck. He replies,
"Hi to you too. Where on earth have you come from? How did you get here?
What’s your name?"
"Hold on," she says, "one question at
a time. I landed on the other side of this island about 10 weeks ago when
my cruise liner sank. I’ve just rowed here from the other side. Oh, and
my name is Hannah."
"That’s amazing, Hannah," he says. "My
name is Moshe. You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"Oh, this?" replies Hannah, "I made it
myself out of raw materials I found on the island. The oars are made from
pine tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides
came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But where did you get the tools from?"
he asks.
"Oh, I made the tools myself," replies
Hannah. "I found an unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock which I heated
in my kiln. It melted into a soft iron-like material which I used to make
the tools which in turn I used to make the boat."
Moshe is silent. He can’t believe her
skills.
"If it’s OK with you, why don’t I now
row you to my place?" she says.
Moshe just nods his acceptance.
It takes Hannah just ten minutes to row
to her placed. As they near the shore, Moshe is surprised to see a stone
walkway leading up to a very smart sky blue bungalow. Hannah ties up her
boat at a small jetty using a hand made flaxen rope, and they enter the
bungalow.
"It's not really much," says Hannah, "but
to me, Moshe, it’s home. Please sit down and I’ll get you a drink."
"No thanks," Moshe replies, "I just couldn’t
drink any more coconut juice."
"But you don’t have to have coconut juice,"
says Hannah, "How about a Pina Colada? I’ve made a still."
As they sit down on her hand made couch
drinking their Pina Coladas, Moshe looks around and is amazed at what Hannah
has achieved in such a short time. After a while, Hannah gets up and says,
"I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. While you’re waiting,
why don’t you take a shower and then have a shave? You’ll find a razor
in the bathroom cabinet."
Moshe goes into the bathroom and runs
his bath. It even has hot water from a kind of thermal heating device Hannah
has rigged up. After his bath, he goes to the wooden cabinet and finds
a razor made of shells roped together inside a swivel mechanism. While
he’s having an excellent shave, Moshe thinks, "Hannah is unbelievable,
truly amazing - whatever will I discover next? She can do anything."
When he returns, Hannah greets him wearing
only a few carefully placed vine leaves and smelling of honeysuckle - she
looks utterly fantastic. Hanna beckons Moshe to sit next to her, which
he does. Hannah smiles at Moshe in a seductive manner and slithers up closer
to him.
"Moshe," she says, staring into his eyes,
"we've both been out here for 10 weeks. Now you’ve found me, is there something
you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to
do for all these weeks. You know..."
Moshe can't believe it. "You mean …… I
can check my e-mail from here?"
(#1251) Moshe’s 18 questions
Here is a well known riddle.  
Q: What is a genius? A: An average pupil with a Jewish Mother.
OK, so you’re a genius. But how smart
do you think you are without your mother’s help?
Write down the answers to the following
18 questions, then check your answers with those given at the end of this
jokes set. Will you still be a genius?
1. Moshe asks, "Do they have a 4th of July
in England?"
2. Moshe asks, "How many birthdays does
the average Jewish man have?"
3. Moshe asks, "If some months have 31
days, how many months have 28?"
4. Moshe asks, "Why can’t Jewish men living
in London be buried in Jerusalem?
5. Moshe asks, "Is it legal for a Jewish
man living in Tel Aviv to marry his widow's sister?"
6. Moshe and Abe play five games of tennis.
Each wins the same number of games. There are no ties. How can this be
so?
7. Moshe says, "Divide 30 by 1/2 and add
10. What’s the answer?"
8. Moshe builds a house rectangular in
shape and all sides have a southern exposure. Moshe asks, "If a big bear
walks by the house, what colour is it?"
9. If Moshe has 3 apples and you take
away 2, how many do you have?
10. Moshe has two US coins totalling 55
cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
11. Moshe has only one match and he walks
into a room where there is an unlit gas fire, an oil lamp and a fireplace
with dry wood in it. Which one does Moshe light first?
12. Moshe asks, "How far can my dog run
into the woods?"
13. Moshe’s doctor gives him three pills
and tells him to take one every half hour. How long does Moshe’s pills
last?
14. Moshe has 17 sheep and all but 11
die. How many sheep does Moshe have left?
15. Moshe asks, "How many animals of each
sex did Moses take on the ark?"
16. Moshe works as an assistant in Minkoff
Butchers and is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
17. Moshe asks, "How many 12p stamps are
there in a dozen?"
18. Moshe asks, "What was the prime minister’s
name in 1950?"
(#1252) Horse for sale
[My thanks to Stan C for
the following]
Moshe goes to an outdoor sale. As he is
walking around the grounds, he sees a sign saying   LUIGI HAS
NICE THINGS FOR SALE
He goes up to Luigi’s pitch and immediately
sees that Luigi owns a horse. Moshe has always wanted his own horse, so
he says to Luigi, "Excuse me but do you want to sell me your horse?"
Luigi replies, "I would sell it but it
no looka so good."
Moshe says, "Well he looks fine to me.
How much do you want for it?"
Luigi says, "But as I tella you, I canna
sell him to you - he no looka so good."
Moshe says, "OK, I'll give you £1,000
for your horse. Final offer. What do you say?"
Luigi shrugs his shoulders and agrees.
After writing out a cheque, Moshe gets on the horse and gallops off. But
after no more than one minute of riding, the horse suddenly rides straight
into an oak tree at speed and is killed.
Moshe is lucky to be alive and goes straight
back to Luigi. "You thieving son of a bitch, you sold me a blind horse."
Luigi replies, "I tella you he no looka
so good."
(#1253) Inner peace
Abe is talking to his friend. "If there’s
one piece of simple advice I can give you, Mervyn, it’s this. I read it
in the Times yesterday and it worked immediately for me. I’ve finally found
inner peace. I’m sure it will work for you too."
"So give me this advice, already," says
Mervyn.
"OK, here it is," replies Abe, "the way
to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
"Really?" says Mervyn.
"Yes," replies Abe. "I looked around to
see all the things I had started but hadn’t finished. So, I finished one
bottle of white wine, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Port, my Prozac,
3 bottles of beer and a large box of organic chocolates. You have no idea
how good I felt."
(#1254) The eye test
When Jacob from Poland applies for a driver's
license, he is asked to take an eyesight test.  The optician points
to a card on the wall with the letters   C Z W I X N O S T A
C Z
and says to Jacob, "Can you read this?"
"Read it?" replies Jacob, "the man’s my
best friend."
ANSWERS TO MOSHE’S 18 QUESTIONS
1. Yes, but it’s not celebrated
2. One, all the rest are anniversaries
of his birth day.
3. All 12 of them have at least 28 days
4. They can't be buried if they aren’t
dead.
5. No, because if his wife is a widow,
then he’s dead.
6. They aren't playing each other.
7. 70
8. White. The house is at the North Pole
so it is a polar bear.
9. 2
10. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other
one is a nickel)
11. The match.
12. Half way. Then he is running out of
the woods.
13. 1 Hour
14. 11
15. None - Noah took them on the ark.
16. Meat
17. 12
18. Same as it is now.
go to fifty-eighth
set