Q: There is a 100 dollar bill lying in the
street. Who would pick it up, an intelligent
man? An intelligent woman? or Santa? and
Why?
A: The intelligent woman (duh!), The other
two don't exist.
*no offense to you "intelligent" guys out
there
1.The female makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))
Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way
back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't
need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday"
And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way
back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't
need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday"
And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
What is ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!!!!!!!
But what is GFEDCBA?
The opposite -> Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!!!!!!!
A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!!!!!!!
But what is GFEDCBA?
The opposite -> Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!!!!!!!
Please note that the bank is installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger
seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due
to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place
card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake
...
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger
seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due
to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place
card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake
...
>> >> >A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training
>>session.
>> >> >Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a
>>good trip.
>> >> >
>> >> >The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to
>>bring for
>> >> >you?
>> >> >
>> >> >The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
>> >> >
>> >> >The woman kept quiet and left.
>> >> >
>> >> >Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
>> >> >So, honey, how was the trip?
>> >> >Very good, thank you.
>> >> >And, what happened to my present?
>> >> >Which present?
>> >> >what I asked for: the English girl?!
>> >> >
>> >> >Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
>>months to
>> >> >see if its a girl !!!
>> >> >
>>session.
>> >> >Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a
>>good trip.
>> >> >
>> >> >The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to
>>bring for
>> >> >you?
>> >> >
>> >> >The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
>> >> >
>> >> >The woman kept quiet and left.
>> >> >
>> >> >Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
>> >> >So, honey, how was the trip?
>> >> >Very good, thank you.
>> >> >And, what happened to my present?
>> >> >Which present?
>> >> >what I asked for: the English girl?!
>> >> >
>> >> >Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
>>months to
>> >> >see if its a girl !!!
>> >> >
for your cnsideration
PMS--Punishing Men's Stupidity
PENIS--Protrusion exiting noticeably inferior sex
SHOPPING--Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier, Plus Incredibly Neater Gender
SLAVE=Superior Lady Acquiring Vast Empire
WINNER=Women Inevitably Negotiating New Empowered Roles
BITCH=Bright Individual That Controls Him
MALE=Men Are Losing Everywhere
WOMEN=We Outclass Men Each Night
GIRLS=Gifted Individuals Realizing Large Superiority
FUTURE=Females Understand They Ultimately Rule Everywhere
BABE=Body And Brain Excellence
DAME=Dominant Against Men Everywhere
HIS=Honors In Servitude
SHE=Soon His Emperor
LOVE=Lady Obtains Virtually Everything
WORSHIP=We Obey Ruling Sisters Having Intense Power
SHOPS=Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier Sex
HIM=Held In Mercilessly
HER=His Eternal Ruler
GUY=Gender Under You
GAL=Goddess At Large
BOYS=Babes Obedient Young Slave
SKIRT=She Knows Its Ruling Time
BIKINI=Boys Instantly Kneel In Numerous Instances
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are
cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual are
shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest on us when we take the
initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are
cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual are
shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest on us when we take the
initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
An actual ad in the London Times.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to
ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to
ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you
-TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
1) Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
2) Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly a good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
"No electronic signatures authorized."
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head
What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds
Why can't a man be both good-looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the
living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject!
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
You can enjoy all but the head
What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds
Why can't a man be both good-looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the
living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject!
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)
God replied, " I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)
God replied, " I didn't recognize you."
Why did God give women arms?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert and he stubbed his
toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped
out.
"Oh great," Saddam said, "I don't have time for this Genie nonsense."
"Oh wait," said the Genie, "You have to let me grant you three wishes
or I'll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand
years."
"Ok" said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three
American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who
this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya
Harding, Garcella Bevoux, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His
knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health
insurance.
toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped
out.
"Oh great," Saddam said, "I don't have time for this Genie nonsense."
"Oh wait," said the Genie, "You have to let me grant you three wishes
or I'll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand
years."
"Ok" said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three
American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who
this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya
Harding, Garcella Bevoux, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His
knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health
insurance.
Barbeque--it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are usually put
into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drink in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are usually put
into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drink in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each, within 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) became overly emotional
4.) Couldn't drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating !
8.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each, within 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) became overly emotional
4.) Couldn't drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating !
8.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman?
A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Big Busted Women
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely lack for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Small Busted Women
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely lack for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Small Busted Women
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
> Touring Ireland
>
> A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group
> was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
> uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The
> accommodations are awful.
>
> The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck
> will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he
> guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will
> be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
>
> "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
> "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the
> stupid stone."
>
> "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
> kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."
>
> "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
>
> "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
>
> A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group
> was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
> uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The
> accommodations are awful.
>
> The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck
> will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he
> guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will
> be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
>
> "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
> "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the
> stupid stone."
>
> "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
> kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."
>
> "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
>
> "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
Bra sizes from a man's point of view!
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
'em. -Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon
Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a
little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
'em. -Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon
Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a
little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do Brooklyn and women in tight jeans have in common?
Flatbush.
Flatbush.
Q: Why did cavemen drag cave women by the hair instead of by the
legs?
A: So they wouldn't fill up with dirt.
legs?
A: So they wouldn't fill up with dirt.
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing
business and stocks when suddenly a cellular
phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing
in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful
mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000.
Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep
you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes
dealership this morning and saw their new
convertible. It was to die for! I talked to
the salesman and the one in the showroom
is brand new, leather seats, power everything,
gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us
have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the
options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife
could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but
remember our trip we took to Paris?
Remember the Brown's place with the
swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the
market to be sold. I saw it this morning at
the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we
would have a perfect place to stay during
the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's
on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it?
Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's
not listed very high, and It would be perfect
for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead
and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't
wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks,
"So, who's phone is this?"
business and stocks when suddenly a cellular
phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing
in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful
mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000.
Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep
you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes
dealership this morning and saw their new
convertible. It was to die for! I talked to
the salesman and the one in the showroom
is brand new, leather seats, power everything,
gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us
have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the
options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife
could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but
remember our trip we took to Paris?
Remember the Brown's place with the
swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the
market to be sold. I saw it this morning at
the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we
would have a perfect place to stay during
the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's
on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it?
Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's
not listed very high, and It would be perfect
for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead
and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't
wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks,
"So, who's phone is this?"
This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!
"COMMON SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE"
HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he'll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you'll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It's sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.
WIFE:
Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.
1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she's overweight and has hired a personal trainer named "Antonio."
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She's uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she's visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn't act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, "Lyin Eyes," and she cringes as she changes the station.
If this sounds like your life, you will need some real evidence. Luckily, this is very easy thanks to today's technology.
HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he'll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you'll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It's sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.
WIFE:
Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.
1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she's overweight and has hired a personal trainer named "Antonio."
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She's uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she's visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn't act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, "Lyin Eyes," and she cringes as she changes the station.
If this sounds like your life, you will need some real evidence. Luckily, this is very easy thanks to today's technology.
A man suspected his wife was seeing
another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
Q: What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a
greasy box to put your bone in.
A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a
greasy box to put your bone in.
What do condoms and women have in common?
Both spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his cock.
Both spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his cock.
>
>WOMAN: What would you do if I died?
> Would you get married again?
>MAN: Definitely not!
>WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>MAN: Of course I do.
>WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
>WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>MAN: (makes audible groan)
>WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>MAN: Where else would we sleep?
>WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
>them with Pictures of her?
>MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
>WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
>MAN: Shit.
>WOMAN: What would you do if I died?
> Would you get married again?
>MAN: Definitely not!
>WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>MAN: Of course I do.
>WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
>WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>MAN: (makes audible groan)
>WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>MAN: Where else would we sleep?
>WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
>them with Pictures of her?
>MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
>WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
>MAN: Shit.
One day in Paradise, Eva said to God:
-"GOD, I have got a problem!"
-"What is the problem, Eva?.
-"God, I know you made me and you gave me this wonderful garden, all these amazing animals and also the good serpent, but I am not happy."
-"Why do you feel that?" - said a voice from the sky.
-"God, I am alone, and I can't handle eat more apples."
-"Well, Eva, in that case, I have got a solution for you. I will create the man."
-"What is a man, God?"
-"A man will be an imperfect creature, with many negative attributes: liar, arrogant, conceited person; resuming, he will make your life a hell.
But... he will be bigger, faster, and he will hunt and kill animals for you. He will have a stupid look when excited, but I will make him to satisfy all your physical needs. He will pathetic and he will have pleasure with childish things as kick a ball and be fighting all the time. He won't be very intelligent, so he will need your advice to think properly."
-"It sounds great" said Eva, with an ironic smile.
-"However..." said God.
-"What's the problem, God?"
-"Well... You will have him with a condition."
-"Which is."
-"As I have said, he will be a proud, an arrogant and an egocentric person... so, you will have to leave him believe that he was created first..."
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned him into a woman. She looked at
the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then
walked across the bridge.
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned him into a woman. She looked at
the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then
walked across the bridge.
*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."
Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be
attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out,but
it won't amount to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have
lots of dates
Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."
Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be
attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out,but
it won't amount to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have
lots of dates
Woman:
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.
Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.
Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and
the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she
escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and
the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she
escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
she: "What are you doing?"
he: "Hunting Flies"
she: "Oh. Killing any?"
he: "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"
she: Intrigued, "How can you tell them apart?"
he: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
she: "What are you doing?"
he: "Hunting Flies"
she: "Oh. Killing any?"
he: "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"
she: Intrigued, "How can you tell them apart?"
he: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.........................No tits
Average looking............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure........On medication
Feminist.........................Fat
Free spirited......................Junkie
Friendship first...............Former slut
Fun...............................Annoying
Gentle...........................Dull
Good Listener...............Autistic
New-Age......................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................Missionary position only
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet...............................Depressive
Professional............... ...Bi*ch
Romantic.......................Frigid
Social............................Crotch like a clown's pocket
Voluptuous....................Very Fat
Large lady.....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............Stalker
Widow...........................Murderer.
Adventurous.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.........................No tits
Average looking............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure........On medication
Feminist.........................Fat
Free spirited......................Junkie
Friendship first...............Former slut
Fun...............................Annoying
Gentle...........................Dull
Good Listener...............Autistic
New-Age......................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................Missionary position only
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet...............................Depressive
Professional............... ...Bi*ch
Romantic.......................Frigid
Social............................Crotch like a clown's pocket
Voluptuous....................Very Fat
Large lady.....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............Stalker
Widow...........................Murderer.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage & after marriage.
$2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage & after marriage.
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the
mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, "How much is that
Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph ased, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the
mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, "How much is that
Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph ased, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture
A woman is driving on the road &
A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road &
When they pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and shouts
- HORSE
Immediately the man shouts back
- Bitch !
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
The moral:
Men never understand what women say.
A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road &
When they pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and shouts
- HORSE
Immediately the man shouts back
- Bitch !
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
The moral:
Men never understand what women say.
What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a
woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!
woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for
Stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!" The next
day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity! to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to
go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and
muscular.
St. Peter chains them together and leaves
without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."
and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for
Stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!" The next
day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity! to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to
go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and
muscular.
St. Peter chains them together and leaves
without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."
Why don't men trust or understand women?
Who would trust or understand anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die!
Who would trust or understand anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die!
>On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
>students, pointing out some of the rules.
>"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
>students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
>Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the
>first time."
>
>He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
>time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will
>incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
>
>At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
>"How much for a season pass?"
>students, pointing out some of the rules.
>"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
>students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
>Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the
>first time."
>
>He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
>time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will
>incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
>
>At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
>"How much for a season pass?"
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000
words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, ''What?''
her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000
words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, ''What?''
> A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
> >
> > "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
> > "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
> > "It is not polite."
> >
> > "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
> > "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
> > really none of your business."
> >
> > Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> > "That is enough questions, honestly!"
> >
> > The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
> > "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> > "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
> > license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> > Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
> > you are, you are 32."
> >
> > The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
> >
> > "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> > The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you
> > find that out?"
> >
> > "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
> > a divorce."
> >
> > "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
> > "Because you got an "F" in sex."
> >
> >
> > "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
> > "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
> > "It is not polite."
> >
> > "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
> > "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
> > really none of your business."
> >
> > Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> > "That is enough questions, honestly!"
> >
> > The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
> > "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> > "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
> > license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> > Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
> > you are, you are 32."
> >
> > The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
> >
> > "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> > The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you
> > find that out?"
> >
> > "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
> > a divorce."
> >
> > "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
> > "Because you got an "F" in sex."
> >
The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Boyfriend/Husband
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the
landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife
was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm,
moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked
his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the
landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife
was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm,
moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked
his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he
say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he
say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office telling me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal---some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school while my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard, she said, "no, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.
Do you know what is family? Do you really understand
what is behind the word family ? So long I never realize I dont know the
real meaning of family. Here is the answer :
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because : WIFE = (W)ashing (I)roning (F)ood (E)ntertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because : HUSBAND = (H)ousing (U)nderstanding (S)haring (B)uying (A)nd (N)ever (D)emanding
what is behind the word family ? So long I never realize I dont know the
real meaning of family. Here is the answer :
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because : WIFE = (W)ashing (I)roning (F)ood (E)ntertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because : HUSBAND = (H)ousing (U)nderstanding (S)haring (B)uying (A)nd (N)ever (D)emanding
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is Gorgeous! Tall, built , with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt..............................................
one button at a time.............................................................
No one moves....................................................
He removes his shirt............................
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,.....................
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
.........................................................................
..........................and whispers:
............................
...........................
..........................
.......................................................
......................................................
......................................"Here, Iron this."
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is Gorgeous! Tall, built , with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt..............................................
one button at a time.............................................................
No one moves....................................................
He removes his shirt............................
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,.....................
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
.........................................................................
..........................and whispers:
............................
...........................
..........................
.......................................................
......................................................
......................................"Here, Iron this."
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Keywords and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have one. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have one. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life
is four animals"
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in
my bed and a jackass to pay for it all... "
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life
is four animals"
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in
my bed and a jackass to pay for it all... "
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly watter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone".
fly watter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone".
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Geography of women:
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran ....... Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia ..... She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan ... completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain .... Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman like France or Argentina ... She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq .... She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada ...
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia ... A glorious
and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan .... Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.
----------------------------------------
Another version:
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half-discovered, half-wild and naturally beautiful, with bushland around the
fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half-destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate
keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all-conquering past, but, alas, no future.
After 70, a woman is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man:
Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape, but
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
Or: Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran ....... Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia ..... She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan ... completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain .... Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman like France or Argentina ... She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq .... She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada ...
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia ... A glorious
and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan .... Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.
----------------------------------------
Another version:
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half-discovered, half-wild and naturally beautiful, with bushland around the
fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half-destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate
keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all-conquering past, but, alas, no future.
After 70, a woman is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man:
Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape, but
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
Or: Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick.
>
> > A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey
> > hotel with
> > a sign that reads "For Women Only".
> > Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
> > The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.....
> > "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you
> > are
> > looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, each floor has
> > signs
> > telling you what's inside."
> > So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
> > "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
> > ... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
> > The sign on the Second floor reads
> > "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women
> > badly".
> >
> > This wasn't going to do so the friends move up to the Third floor
> > where the sign reads
> > "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of
> > women."
> > This was good but there were still two more floors, so on to the Fourth
> > floor,
> > the sign was perfect.
> > "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
> > women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
> > The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see
> > what the
> > fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
> > When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
> > "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that you
> > just
> > can't f***ing satisfy women!"
> > A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey
> > hotel with
> > a sign that reads "For Women Only".
> > Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
> > The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.....
> > "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you
> > are
> > looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, each floor has
> > signs
> > telling you what's inside."
> > So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
> > "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
> > ... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
> > The sign on the Second floor reads
> > "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women
> > badly".
> >
> > This wasn't going to do so the friends move up to the Third floor
> > where the sign reads
> > "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of
> > women."
> > This was good but there were still two more floors, so on to the Fourth
> > floor,
> > the sign was perfect.
> > "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
> > women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
> > The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see
> > what the
> > fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
> > When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
> > "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that you
> > just
> > can't f***ing satisfy women!"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He
figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe
in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed
there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to
me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He
figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe
in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed
there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to
me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
>A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
>going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over
>3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>The mother agrees.
>
>The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
>sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
>"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
>
>"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
>
>"I don't like her."
>going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over
>3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>The mother agrees.
>
>The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
>sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
>"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
>
>"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
>
>"I don't like her."
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are a tramp.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE & sooo hard to please!!
Yo mama so ugly, she's not bald, it's just her hair runnin' away
from her face.
from her face.
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Her Diary
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if