- When women see a ''caution'' sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
- Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball ot basebll star.
- When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwhiches, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.
- Women can stand to be wrong, while men make excuses about ''misunderstanding'' and some how it is always the women's fault.
- When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and snorts, while he gobbles down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show while dancing and socializing with friends.
- When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine.
- Women understand about privacy, and don't come in until 2 hours have passed.
- Women understand that babies do not come from a stork.
- When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ''tough'' guys that they are, will ''stay calm'' until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.
- Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes...
![[email]](http://www.toolset.org/files/icons/email.png){kind=icon}
Q: There is a 100 dollar bill lying in the
street. Who would pick it up, an intelligent
man? An intelligent woman? or Santa? and
Why?
A: The intelligent woman (duh!), The other
two don't exist.
*no offense to you "intelligent" guys out
there
1.The female makes the rules.
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))
2.The rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior
notification.
3.No male can possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules
are not permitted.
4.If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules,
she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is never wrong.
6.If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding
which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do,
or did not say.
7.If rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having
been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female
as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
8.The female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason
at all.
9.The male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances
without the express written consent of the female which is given only in
cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no
indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
10.The female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or
imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole
judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of
the root cause of the female's being angry or pset. The female may,
however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying
attention. See rule 13.
11.The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to
be angry or upset.
12.Under no circumstances may the female give the male any clue or
indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
13.The male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times.
Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the
sole discretion of the female.
14.The female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past
incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify,
enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to
the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive,
pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
15.The female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to
illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the
consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has
bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports
teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such
illustrations are non-rebuttable.
16.If the female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is
permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to
logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
17.Any act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought,
opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective
interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding.
Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or
rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject please for mercy
and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances,
especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition. :-))
Today is my 49th birthday, & I wasn't feeling too hot this morning anyway. I
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way
back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't
need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday"
And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!
went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant & say "Happy Birthday," &
probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone
any "Happy Birthday".
I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember" The children
came in to breakfast & didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was
feeling pretty low & despondent.
As I walked into my office,my secretary,Betty said,"Good Morning Boss,Happy
Birthday"
And I felt a little better someone had remembered! I worked until noon. Then,
Betty knocked on my door & said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside &
it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you & me". I said, "By George,
that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go-we went out into the country
to a little private place. We had two martinis & enjoyed lunch tremendously. On
the way
back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful l day. We don't
need to go back to the office, do we?"I said, "No, I guess not." She said,
Let's go to my apartment".
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll
go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable". "Sure," I
excitedly replied. She went
into the bedroom &, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday
cake, followed by my wife, children & dozens of friends. They were singing
"Happy Birthday"
And there I sat, on the couch, naked!!!
1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
What is ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!!!!!!!
But what is GFEDCBA?
The opposite -> Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!!!!!!!
A Boy Can Do Everything For a Girl!!!!!!!
But what is GFEDCBA?
The opposite -> Girl Forgets Everything Done and Catches new Boy Again!!!!!!!
Please note that the bank is installing new
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger
seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due
to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place
card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake
...
"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able
to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To
enable customers to use this new facility the following
procedures have been drawn up. Please read the
procedure that applies to your own circumstances
(i.e.MALE or FEMALE) and remember them when you use the
machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt
* 6 Put window up
* 7 Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car
window to machine
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger
seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine
due
to its excessive distance from the car
* 9 Insert card
* 10 Re-insert card the right way up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN
written on the inside of the back page
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place
cash inside
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook
* 19 Re-check make-up again
* 20 Drive forward 2 feet
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine
* 22 Retrieve card
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and
place
card into the slot provided
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate
male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles
* 27 Release Parking Break
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boys:
1- Drive to the bank, park, go to the Cash Dispenser
2- Insert card
3- Dial code and desired amount
4-Take the cash and the card
Girls:
1-Drive to the bank
2-Check make-up in the mirror
3- Apply perfume
4- Manually check haircut
5- Park car - failure
6- Park car - failure
7- Park car - success
8- Search for the card in the handbag
9- Insert card, rejected by the machine
10- Throw phone card back in handbag
11- look for bank card
12- Insert card
13- Look for piece of paper where secret code is written in handbag
14- Enter code
15-Study instructions for 2 minutes
16- #Cancel#
17- Re-enter code
18- #Cancel#
19- Call boyfriend to get correct code
20- Enter desired amount
21- #Error#
22- Enter bigger amount
23- #Error#
24- Enter maximum amount
25- Cross fingers
26- Take cash
27- Go back to the car
28- Check make-up in rear mirror
29- Look for keys in handbag
30- Start car
31- Drive 50 meters
32- STOP
33- Drive back to bank machine
34- Go out of the car
35- Take card back from machine
36- Go back to the car
37- Throw card on passenger seat
38- Check make-up in rear mirror
39- Manually check haircut
40- Go into roundabout - wrong way
41- BREAK
42- Go into roundabout - right way
43- Drive 5 kilometers
44- Remove hand brake
...
>> >> >A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training
>>session.
>> >> >Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a
>>good trip.
>> >> >
>> >> >The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to
>>bring for
>> >> >you?
>> >> >
>> >> >The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
>> >> >
>> >> >The woman kept quiet and left.
>> >> >
>> >> >Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
>> >> >So, honey, how was the trip?
>> >> >Very good, thank you.
>> >> >And, what happened to my present?
>> >> >Which present?
>> >> >what I asked for: the English girl?!
>> >> >
>> >> >Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
>>months to
>> >> >see if its a girl !!!
>> >> >
>>session.
>> >> >Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a
>>good trip.
>> >> >
>> >> >The wife answers: Thank you honey, what would you like me to
>>bring for
>> >> >you?
>> >> >
>> >> >The husband laughs and says: An English girl !!!
>> >> >
>> >> >The woman kept quiet and left.
>> >> >
>> >> >Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:
>> >> >So, honey, how was the trip?
>> >> >Very good, thank you.
>> >> >And, what happened to my present?
>> >> >Which present?
>> >> >what I asked for: the English girl?!
>> >> >
>> >> >Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait a few
>>months to
>> >> >see if its a girl !!!
>> >> >
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FGender%2FA_Little_Difference_Between_Men_and_Women.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FGender%2FA_Little_Difference_Between_Men_and_Women.html&subject=A Little Difference Between Men and Women)
for your cnsideration
PMS--Punishing Men's Stupidity
PENIS--Protrusion exiting noticeably inferior sex
SHOPPING--Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier, Plus Incredibly Neater Gender
SLAVE=Superior Lady Acquiring Vast Empire
WINNER=Women Inevitably Negotiating New Empowered Roles
BITCH=Bright Individual That Controls Him
MALE=Men Are Losing Everywhere
WOMEN=We Outclass Men Each Night
GIRLS=Gifted Individuals Realizing Large Superiority
FUTURE=Females Understand They Ultimately Rule Everywhere
BABE=Body And Brain Excellence
DAME=Dominant Against Men Everywhere
HIS=Honors In Servitude
SHE=Soon His Emperor
LOVE=Lady Obtains Virtually Everything
WORSHIP=We Obey Ruling Sisters Having Intense Power
SHOPS=Smarter, Healthier, Obviously Prettier Sex
HIM=Held In Mercilessly
HER=His Eternal Ruler
GUY=Gender Under You
GAL=Goddess At Large
BOYS=Babes Obedient Young Slave
SKIRT=She Knows Its Ruling Time
BIKINI=Boys Instantly Kneel In Numerous Instances
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are
cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual are
shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest on us when we take the
initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
have no money.
The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat
heterosexual don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are
cowards.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and
have some money and thank God are heterosexual are
shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest on us when we take the
initiative.
NOW... WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN
HANDLE IT!
An actual ad in the London Times.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to
ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you
the Garden with God.
Adam told God how much the woman meant to him
and how blessed he was to have her.Adam began to
ask
questions about her.
Adam: Lord, Eve is beautiful.
Why did you make her so beautiful?
God: So you will always want to look at her.
Adam: Lord, her skin is so soft.
Why did you make her skin so soft?
God: So you will always want to touch her.
Adam: She always smells so good.
Lord, why did you make her smell so good?
God: So you will always want to be near her.
Adam: That's wonderful Lord, and I don't want
to seem ungrateful,
but why did you make her so stupid?
God: So she would love you
-TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
1) Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing
and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not
used well. Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses
strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
2) Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure
sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as
easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO
any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged
period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly a good methane source. Good samples are able
to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
"No electronic signatures authorized."
Comments
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What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head
What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds
Why can't a man be both good-looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the
living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject!
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
You can enjoy all but the head
What is the similarity between a dolphin and a man?
They are both said to be intelligent, but no one can prove this.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds
Why can't a man be both good-looking and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilise one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do fewer women get married these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge, than a pig in the
living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject!
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men prefer to marry virgins?
They cannot handle the criticism.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumour.
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. Once he is in
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
the bar he tells all the patrons that are present that for a round of
drinks from everyone in the bar he will insert his penis into the
alligator's mouth and remove it unscathed. All the bar goers accepted
the dare and each put up a drink. the man walks up to the alligator,
takes his penis out of his pants and puts into the alligator's mouth.
He then grabs a beer bottle and smashes it over the alligator's head.
The alligator immediately opens his mouth and the man removes his
penis unscathed.
The crowd is left in awe.
The man then says, 'If there is anyone here who is willing do the same
thing, I will give them $500.''
From the back of the bar a woman stands up and says, ''I'll do it, if
you promise not to smash the beer bottle over my head!''
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)
God replied, " I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and
change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)
God replied, " I didn't recognize you."
Why did God give women arms?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
Do you have any idea how long it would take to lick a bathroom clean?
One day Saddam Hussein was walking in the desert and he stubbed his
toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped
out.
"Oh great," Saddam said, "I don't have time for this Genie nonsense."
"Oh wait," said the Genie, "You have to let me grant you three wishes
or I'll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand
years."
"Ok" said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three
American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who
this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya
Harding, Garcella Bevoux, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His
knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health
insurance.
toe on some hard object. He bent over to pick it up and a Genie popped
out.
"Oh great," Saddam said, "I don't have time for this Genie nonsense."
"Oh wait," said the Genie, "You have to let me grant you three wishes
or I'll be trapped in that stupid lamp for another ten thousand
years."
"Ok" said Saddam, so he wished that the Genie would give him three
American women.
So the next morning when he woke up, after the Genie had realized who
this man was and after the Genie had granted the wishes, Tanya
Harding, Garcella Bevoux, and Hillary Clinton layed next to him. His
knee was bashed in, his penis was gone, and he had no health
insurance.
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Barbeque--it's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man
volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are usually put
into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drink in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are usually put
into motion.
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging
beside the grill, drink in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and checks the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu". For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex, racing, or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my Mom too!!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,, and this is, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
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University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each, within 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) became overly emotional
4.) Couldn't drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating !
8.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a
concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains
female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough
beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each, within 1 hour
period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:
1.) Gained weight
2.) Talked excessively without making sense
3.) became overly emotional
4.) Couldn't drive
5.) Failed to think rationally
6.) Argued over nothing
7.) Had to sit down while urinating !
8.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
Q: What's the difference between a beer and a woman?
A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
A: You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Big Busted Women
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely lack for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Small Busted Women
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
-can get a taxi on the worst days
-have a neat place to carry spare change
-have always been the center of the arts (art)
-make jogging a spectator sport
-can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
-have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
-usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
-can always carry a little extra
-always float better
-know where to look first for lost earrings
-rarely lack for a slow dance partner
-have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
Small Busted Women
-don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
-always look younger
-find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
-can always see their toes and shoes
-can sleep on their stomachs
-have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
-know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
-know that everything more than a handful is wasted
-can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
-can take an aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
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> Touring Ireland
>
> A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group
> was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
> uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The
> accommodations are awful.
>
> The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck
> will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he
> guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will
> be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
>
> "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
> "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the
> stupid stone."
>
> "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
> kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."
>
> "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
>
> "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
>
> A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the
group
> was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are
> uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It´s too hot. It´s too cold. The
> accommodations are awful.
>
> The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck
> will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he
> guide said. "Unfortunately, it´s being cleaned today and so no one will
> be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
>
> "We can´t be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
> "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can´t kiss the
> stupid stone."
>
> "Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has
> kissed the stone, you´ll have the same good fortune."
>
> "And I suppose you´ve kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
>
> "No, ma´am," the frustrated guide said, "but I´ve sat on it."
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Bra sizes from a man's point of view!
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, examined
the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the
baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched
her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a
detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
'em. -Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon
Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a
little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want
to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner
4. My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a
child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our
lives. -Rita Rudner
5. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman
6. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck
7. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing
'em. -Sue Grafton
8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr
9. I think, therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead
10. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country. -Elayne Boosler
11. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon
Pearson
12. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner
13. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher
14. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinhem
15. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Glori Steinhem
16. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog
which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli
17. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill
18. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a
little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee
19. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I
keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor
What do Brooklyn and women in tight jeans have in common?
Flatbush.
Flatbush.
Comments
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Q: Why did cavemen drag cave women by the hair instead of by the
legs?
A: So they wouldn't fill up with dirt.
legs?
A: So they wouldn't fill up with dirt.
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing
business and stocks when suddenly a cellular
phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing
in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful
mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000.
Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep
you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes
dealership this morning and saw their new
convertible. It was to die for! I talked to
the salesman and the one in the showroom
is brand new, leather seats, power everything,
gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us
have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the
options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife
could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but
remember our trip we took to Paris?
Remember the Brown's place with the
swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the
market to be sold. I saw it this morning at
the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we
would have a perfect place to stay during
the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's
on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it?
Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's
not listed very high, and It would be perfect
for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead
and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't
wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks,
"So, who's phone is this?"
business and stocks when suddenly a cellular
phone rings.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Yes, dear."
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing
in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful
mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5000.
Can you believe it?"
"But you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep
you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes
dealership this morning and saw their new
convertible. It was to die for! I talked to
the salesman and the one in the showroom
is brand new, leather seats, power everything,
gold coloured. What do you think??"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us
have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the
options!!!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife
could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but
remember our trip we took to Paris?
Remember the Brown's place with the
swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the
market to be sold. I saw it this morning at
the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we
would have a perfect place to stay during
the cold winter months!!!"
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's
on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it?
Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's
not listed very high, and It would be perfect
for our type of lifestyle!!"
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead
and make an offer but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't
wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"
"See you tonight dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks,
"So, who's phone is this?"
This letter was started by a woman, like yourself, in the hopes of
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!
bringing relief to other tired and discontended women. Unlike most
chain letters, this one does not cost anything. Just send a copy of
this letter to five of your friends who are equally frustrated. Then
bundle up your husband or partner, and send him to the woman whose
name appears on the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom
of the list. When your name comes to the top of the list, you will
receive 16,877 men! One of them is bound to be a hell of a lot better
than the one you already have. Do not break the chain. One woman broke
the chain and got the old son-of-a-bitch back again! At this writing,
a friend of mine already received 384 men... They buried her
yesterday, but it took three undertakers to get the smile off her face
and two days to get her legs together so they could close the coffin.
Hurry up and send this letter so my name can move up fast!
"COMMON SIGNS OF A CHEATING SPOUSE"
HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he'll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you'll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It's sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.
WIFE:
Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.
1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she's overweight and has hired a personal trainer named "Antonio."
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She's uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she's visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn't act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, "Lyin Eyes," and she cringes as she changes the station.
If this sounds like your life, you will need some real evidence. Luckily, this is very easy thanks to today's technology.
HUSBAND:
Chances are that if you suspect your husband is cheating on you, he probably is. But before you call your lawyer or if you think you're just being paranoid, check out these signs of infidelity.
1. Your cheating husband tells you he just hired a new assistant and that she's not very pretty. However, when you meet her for the first time, she's absolutely gorgeous. If your husband isn't cheating, or thinking about it, he wouldn't lie to you about her looks.
2. Cheating husband comes home with lipstick on his collar and says a colleague accidentally bumped into him.
3. Suddenly, cheating husband starts coming home later than usual. He makes excuses that he's working late or hanging around with buddies for a couple of drinks after work. Many times he's telling the truth, but if it happens more often then not, you may have a problem.
4. You are getting phone calls from women who claim that they work with your husband and have to ask him something important. When cheating husband picks up the phone he whispers, or tells that person that he'll call later.
5. All of a sudden cheating husband starts exercising and his grooming habits have changed.
6. You find a long blonde hair on the seat of his car.
7. Cheating husband comes home late and you feel like "being romantic" and he tells you he has a headache!
8. He starts bringing you flowers and acts especially nice.
9. The only way to know for sure, is to catch him in the act. If you really believe your husband is cheating, you'll have to catch him yourself or hire a private detective.
10. One especially good trick to try, is to press the re-dial on his phone. It's sneaky, but effective. You never know whom he may be calling.
WIFE:
Some men who suspect their wife are cheating may be in denial and refuse to believe it. Well, for all those other men who are willing to seek the truth, check out these signs of a cheating wife.
1. After 10 years of marriage cheating wife tells you that she's overweight and has hired a personal trainer named "Antonio."
2. You find a charge slip in the waste basket from a nearby motel by mistake.
3. You find a present she says was from her mother. You open the box and find a pair of sexy panties.
4. You come home one day and find a cigarette butt in the ashtray, yet nobody in the house smokes.
5. She's uncharacteristically spending money on new clothes.
6. The phone rings several times within a week and when you pick it up they hang up.
7. Cheating wife starts acting like a teenager who has a crush on the quarterback.
8. Your wife tells you that she's visiting a friend who is sick. This one is a classic, and it works all the time.
9. Cheating wife says that she loves you, but doesn't act like it. Remember, a person is judged on what they do, not what they say.
10. You are driving in the car together and hear the Eagles song, "Lyin Eyes," and she cringes as she changes the station.
If this sounds like your life, you will need some real evidence. Luckily, this is very easy thanks to today's technology.
Comments
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A man suspected his wife was seeing
another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and
report any activities while he was gone.
A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE.
I NOT SEE.
NO FEE,
CHEN LEE.
Q: What's the similarity between women and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a
greasy box to put your bone in.
A: Once you're done with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a
greasy box to put your bone in.
What do condoms and women have in common?
Both spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his cock.
Both spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his cock.
>
>WOMAN: What would you do if I died?
> Would you get married again?
>MAN: Definitely not!
>WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>MAN: Of course I do.
>WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
>WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>MAN: (makes audible groan)
>WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>MAN: Where else would we sleep?
>WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
>them with Pictures of her?
>MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
>WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
>MAN: Shit.
>WOMAN: What would you do if I died?
> Would you get married again?
>MAN: Definitely not!
>WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
>MAN: Of course I do.
>WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
>MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
>WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
>MAN: (makes audible groan)
>WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
>MAN: Where else would we sleep?
>WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace
>them with Pictures of her?
>MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
>WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
>MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
>WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
>MAN: Shit.
One day in Paradise, Eva said to God:
-"GOD, I have got a problem!"
-"What is the problem, Eva?.
-"God, I know you made me and you gave me this wonderful garden, all these amazing animals and also the good serpent, but I am not happy."
-"Why do you feel that?" - said a voice from the sky.
-"God, I am alone, and I can't handle eat more apples."
-"Well, Eva, in that case, I have got a solution for you. I will create the man."
-"What is a man, God?"
-"A man will be an imperfect creature, with many negative attributes: liar, arrogant, conceited person; resuming, he will make your life a hell.
But... he will be bigger, faster, and he will hunt and kill animals for you. He will have a stupid look when excited, but I will make him to satisfy all your physical needs. He will pathetic and he will have pleasure with childish things as kick a ball and be fighting all the time. He won't be very intelligent, so he will need your advice to think properly."
-"It sounds great" said Eva, with an ironic smile.
-"However..." said God.
-"What's the problem, God?"
-"Well... You will have him with a condition."
-"Which is."
-"As I have said, he will be a proud, an arrogant and an egocentric person... so, you will have to leave him believe that he was created first..."
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned him into a woman. She looked at
the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then
walked across the bridge.
came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to
get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
me the strength to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and
he was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
"Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
cross this river."
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to
row across the river in about an hour, after almost
capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the
other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God,
give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence...
to cross this river."
And poof God turned him into a woman. She looked at
the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then
walked across the bridge.
Comments
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*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*
Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."
Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be
attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out,but
it won't amount to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have
lots of dates
Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.
Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.
Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.
Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."
Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?
Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.
Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Send this to 0 people and you will never get a date
Send this to 1 -5 people only dorky people will be
attracted to you
Send this to 5-10 people you will get asked out,but
it won't amount to much
10 + you will live a charmed life, and will have
lots of dates
Woman:
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.
Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.
Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake
kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag
husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make
husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog
again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog's mess. Make
dinner. Call repair man, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat
flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to
stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband.
Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out.
Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep.
Man:
Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch
football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy
object for begging wife. Go to bed. Yell at wife to feed baby.
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a
redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and
the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she
escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and
the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she
escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no,
and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
she: "What are you doing?"
he: "Hunting Flies"
she: "Oh. Killing any?"
he: "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"
she: Intrigued, "How can you tell them apart?"
he: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
she: "What are you doing?"
he: "Hunting Flies"
she: "Oh. Killing any?"
he: "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,"
she: Intrigued, "How can you tell them apart?"
he: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
40-ish...........................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.........................No tits
Average looking............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure........On medication
Feminist.........................Fat
Free spirited......................Junkie
Friendship first...............Former slut
Fun...............................Annoying
Gentle...........................Dull
Good Listener...............Autistic
New-Age......................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................Missionary position only
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet...............................Depressive
Professional............... ...Bi*ch
Romantic.......................Frigid
Social............................Crotch like a clown's pocket
Voluptuous....................Very Fat
Large lady.....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............Stalker
Widow...........................Murderer.
Adventurous.................Slept with all your friends
Athletic.........................No tits
Average looking............Has a face like an arse
Beautiful........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile...........Does a lot of pills
Educated.......................Was screwed to bits at College
Emotionally Secure........On medication
Feminist.........................Fat
Free spirited......................Junkie
Friendship first...............Former slut
Fun...............................Annoying
Gentle...........................Dull
Good Listener...............Autistic
New-Age......................Body hair problems
Old-fashioned................Missionary position only
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet...............................Depressive
Professional............... ...Bi*ch
Romantic.......................Frigid
Social............................Crotch like a clown's pocket
Voluptuous....................Very Fat
Large lady.....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.............Stalker
Widow...........................Murderer.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a
$2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage & after marriage.
$2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a
little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before
marriage & after marriage.
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realized that it
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the
mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, "How much is that
Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph ased, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture
was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the
mall, ran to the toy store, and said to the shop assistant, "How much is that
Barbie in the window?"
In a condescending manner, she said, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie
Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
Ralph ased, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious," the sales lady said. "Divorced Barbie comes with
Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture
A woman is driving on the road &
A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road &
When they pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and shouts
- HORSE
Immediately the man shouts back
- Bitch !
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
The moral:
Men never understand what women say.
A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road &
When they pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and shouts
- HORSE
Immediately the man shouts back
- Bitch !
The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The man is killed by a horse smashing into his front window.
The moral:
Men never understand what women say.
What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and a
woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!
woman yelling on the back porch?
The dog quits barking when you let it in!
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines.
The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long,
and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my
image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my
sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how
did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Three women die together in an accident
and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for
Stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!" The next
day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity! to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to
go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and
muscular.
St. Peter chains them together and leaves
without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."
and go to heaven. When they get there,
St. Peter says, "We only have one rule
here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they entered heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It
is almost impossible not to step on a
duck, and although they try their best
to avoid them, the first woman
accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest
man she ever saw. St.Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for
Stepping on a duck is to spend eternity
chained to this ugly man!" The next
day, the second woman steps accidentally
on a duck, and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing, and with him
is another extremely ugly man. He
chains them together with the same
admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this
and not wanting to be chained for all
eternity! to an ugly man, is very, VERY
careful where she steps. She manages to
go months without stepping on any ducks,
but one day St. Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever
laid eyes on... very tall, tanned and
muscular.
St. Peter chains them together and leaves
without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you,
but I stepped on a duck."
Why don't men trust or understand women?
Who would trust or understand anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die!
Who would trust or understand anything that bleeds for 5 days and
doesn't die!
>On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
>students, pointing out some of the rules.
>"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
>students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
>Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the
>first time."
>
>He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
>time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will
>incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
>
>At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
>"How much for a season pass?"
>students, pointing out some of the rules.
>"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
>students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
>Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the
>first time."
>
>He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
>time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will
>incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"
>
>At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
>"How much for a season pass?"
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed
her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000
words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, ''What?''
her a study which indicated that men use (on the average) only 15,000
words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day.
She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that
women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat
everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, ''What?''
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> A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
> >
> > "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
> > "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
> > "It is not polite."
> >
> > "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
> > "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
> > really none of your business."
> >
> > Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> > "That is enough questions, honestly!"
> >
> > The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
> > "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> > "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
> > license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> > Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
> > you are, you are 32."
> >
> > The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
> >
> > "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> > The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you
> > find that out?"
> >
> > "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
> > a divorce."
> >
> > "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
> > "Because you got an "F" in sex."
> >
> >
> > "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
> >
> > "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother warns.
> > "It is not polite."
> >
> > "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
> >
> > "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are
> > really none of your business."
> >
> > Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
> >
> > "That is enough questions, honestly!"
> >
> > The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
> >
> > "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend.
> >
> > "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers
> > license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."
> >
> > Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old
> > you are, you are 32."
> >
> > The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
> >
> > "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
> >
> > The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you
> > find that out?"
> >
> > "And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got
> > a divorce."
> >
> > "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
> >
> > "Because you got an "F" in sex."
> >
The Eight Qualities Of A Perfect Boyfriend/Husband
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
Brave
Intelligent
Gentle
Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive
And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only!!
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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the
landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife
was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm,
moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked
his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He
wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the
landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his
wife
was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just
barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a
warm,
moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly
whacked
his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
An elderly couple was driving across the country. While the woman was
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he
say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he
say?"
"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman then gave the officer her license.
"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time
there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever
seen."
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"
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I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor's office telling me that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal---some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school while my six-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard, she said, "no, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.
Do you know what is family? Do you really understand
what is behind the word family ? So long I never realize I dont know the
real meaning of family. Here is the answer :
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because : WIFE = (W)ashing (I)roning (F)ood (E)ntertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because : HUSBAND = (H)ousing (U)nderstanding (S)haring (B)uying (A)nd (N)ever (D)emanding
what is behind the word family ? So long I never realize I dont know the
real meaning of family. Here is the answer :
FAMILY = (F)ather (A)nd (M)other (I) (L)ove (Y)ou
Why does a man want to have a WIFE?
Because : WIFE = (W)ashing (I)roning (F)ood (E)ntertainment
Why does a woman want to have a HUSBAND?
Because : HUSBAND = (H)ousing (U)nderstanding (S)haring (B)uying (A)nd (N)ever (D)emanding
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy
"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams
3 fastest ways of communication in the world are:
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
3. Tele-fax
2. Tele-phone
1. Tell-a-woman.
You still want faster? Ask her not to tell anyone!!!!
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On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is Gorgeous! Tall, built , with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt..............................................
one button at a time.............................................................
No one moves....................................................
He removes his shirt............................
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,.....................
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
.........................................................................
..........................and whispers:
............................
...........................
..........................
.......................................................
......................................................
......................................"Here, Iron this."
storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one
wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
"I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells,
"Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.
Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He is Gorgeous! Tall, built , with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his
shirt..............................................
one button at a time.............................................................
No one moves....................................................
He removes his shirt............................
Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,.....................
and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,
.........................................................................
..........................and whispers:
............................
...........................
..........................
.......................................................
......................................................
......................................"Here, Iron this."
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2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES,SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE... WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES
13. AND YOUR POINT IS?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
Keywords and their meanings:
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have one. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
FINE:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with a huffy "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in my getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows):
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
(LOUD SIGH):
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing".
(SOFT SIGH):
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH!:
This exclamation, followed by any statement, is trouble. Example: "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
THAT'S OK:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's OK" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have one. "That's OK" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's OK."
THANKS:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say, "you're welcome."
THANKS A LOT:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A LOT" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh", as she will only say "Nothing".
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."
Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until
they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."
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A teacher asked her class "What do you want out of life"?
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life
is four animals"
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in
my bed and a jackass to pay for it all... "
A little girl in the back raised her hand and said "All I want out of life
is four animals"
The teacher asked "Really? And what four animals would that be"?
The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in
my bed and a jackass to pay for it all... "
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."
Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"
So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
fly watter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone".
fly watter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on
the phone".
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Geography of women:
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran ....... Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia ..... She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan ... completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain .... Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman like France or Argentina ... She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq .... She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada ...
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia ... A glorious
and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan .... Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.
----------------------------------------
Another version:
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half-discovered, half-wild and naturally beautiful, with bushland around the
fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half-destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate
keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all-conquering past, but, alas, no future.
After 70, a woman is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man:
Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape, but
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
Or: Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 15 - 18 a woman is like China or Iran ....... Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18-21 a woman is like Africa or Australia ..... She is
half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan ... completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain .... Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of it's own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman like France or Argentina ... She may have
been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable
place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq .... She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada ...
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia ... A glorious
and all conquering past but alas no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan or Pakistan .... Everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.
----------------------------------------
Another version:
Between the ages of 15 and 18, a woman is like China or Iran. Developing at
a sizzling rate with a lot of potential, but as yet still not free or open.
Between the ages of 18 and 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is
half-discovered, half-wild and naturally beautiful, with bushland around the
fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 and 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely
discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries
with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 and 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed
and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 and 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may
have been half-destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and
desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the
war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 and 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate
keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 and 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a
glorious and all-conquering past, but, alas, no future.
After 70, a woman is like Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography Of A Man:
Between the ages of 15-70 a man is like Germany. A strange landscape, but
filled with beer and thoughts of dodgy porno movies.
Or: Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick.
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>
> > A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey
> > hotel with
> > a sign that reads "For Women Only".
> > Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
> > The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.....
> > "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you
> > are
> > looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, each floor has
> > signs
> > telling you what's inside."
> > So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
> > "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
> > ... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
> > The sign on the Second floor reads
> > "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women
> > badly".
> >
> > This wasn't going to do so the friends move up to the Third floor
> > where the sign reads
> > "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of
> > women."
> > This was good but there were still two more floors, so on to the Fourth
> > floor,
> > the sign was perfect.
> > "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
> > women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
> > The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see
> > what the
> > fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
> > When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
> > "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that you
> > just
> > can't f***ing satisfy women!"
> > A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-storey
> > hotel with
> > a sign that reads "For Women Only".
> > Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
> > The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.....
> > "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you
> > are
> > looking for, you can stay there." "It's easy to decide, each floor has
> > signs
> > telling you what's inside."
> > So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads
> > "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
> > ... the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
> > The sign on the Second floor reads
> > "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women
> > badly".
> >
> > This wasn't going to do so the friends move up to the Third floor
> > where the sign reads
> > "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of
> > women."
> > This was good but there were still two more floors, so on to the Fourth
> > floor,
> > the sign was perfect.
> > "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to
> > women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight"
> > The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see
> > what the
> > fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.
> > When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:
> > "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that you
> > just
> > can't f***ing satisfy women!"
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He
figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe
in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed
there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to
me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God
bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
to
do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her
prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and
good-bye grandma."
Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other
side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her
say
"God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up
at
the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the
clock. He
figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe
in
the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed
there,
drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the
matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day
of my
life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what
happened to
me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
Room doctor.
The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car
accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad
news is she has lost all use of both arms and both
legs, and will need help eating and going to the
bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and barbers don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
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>A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
>going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over
>3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>The mother agrees.
>
>The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
>sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
>"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
>
>"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
>
>"I don't like her."
>going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to
bring
over
>3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>The mother agrees.
>
>The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and
>sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says,
>"Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
>
>She immediately replies, "The one in the middle."
>
>"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
>
>"I don't like her."
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are a tramp.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE & sooo hard to please!!
Yo mama so ugly, she's not bald, it's just her hair runnin' away
from her face.
from her face.
10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
She said...You wear briefs, don't you?
9) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said...Well, you succeeded.
7) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king'
She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen'
6) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere.."
Written just below it: "I do not."
5) He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. "
4) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.'
She said...'Who's gonna look?'
3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror.
2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would, but you're never there.
Her Diary
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and
absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and
to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt
that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried
until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Bulls* lost, but at least I got laid.
*Bulls: American Basketball team.
Sunday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I
thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we
could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was
upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I
love you, too."
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do
with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.; he seemed distant and
absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and
to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt
that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.
I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him
with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried
until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today the Bulls* lost, but at least I got laid.
*Bulls: American Basketball team.
After an exhausting 12-hour drive to our honeymoon destination in Daytona
Beach, Fla., my husband and I decided to refresh ourselves with
a dip in the motel pool.
I must have dropped a few pounds to pre-wedding jitters, because each time I
dived into the pool, I lost either the top or bottom of my skimpy new
bikini.
Having the pool to ourselves, my husband thought it was exciting at
first to keep my swimsuit from me. In the attempt to retrieve my swimsuit I
noticed just how excited he was by his massive erection.
With very little struggle we got his swimsuit off and engaged in a
round of hide the salami before going back to our room to finish.
Later we dressed for dinner and went down to the motel restaurant.
Waiting for a table, we sat in the lounge and ordered drinks.
Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, my
husband asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?"
The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied, "That's not a fish
tank. It's the motel swimming pool."
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instead of saying "he's smart" they'll complain "he demeans my intelligence"
instead of saying "he's hard-working" they'll say "he's obsessed with work"
instead of saying "he's confident" they'll say "he's an ego-monster"
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Just in case you were wondering....
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN....
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her..........................
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN....
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Encourage her,
Believe in her,
Pray with her,
Pray for her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her..........................
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN...
Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be :
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Good sex
2. Make nice food
3. Leave him in peace
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY :
1. Good sex
2. Make nice food
3. Leave him in peace
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How To Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in >a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
-----
Another Version:
How to shower like a woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes.
Fart
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to do
more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in >a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
-----
Another Version:
How to shower like a woman
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according tolights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note - must do more sit-ups.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off the shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend and hour and a half getting dressed.
How to shower like a man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
Fart.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one). Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the "woo-woo" sound again.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Get dressed in under two minutes.
Fart
Hey guys, this is how you
should treat your girlfriend
Ladies, if your boyfriend doesn't
treat you like this,
Then send it to them or print it
out and send it to em'. And if you
dont
got a man, make sure you find one
that will treat you like this!
This is really sweet! Aww!
Put your arms around her waist and
whisper in her ears
Kiss her every chance you get
Hold her close when she's cold
When you are alone hold her close
and kiss her
Kiss her on the tip of her nose
(it will give her the hint that you
want to kiss them)
While in the movie, put your arm
around her
and then she will automatically put
her head on your shoulder,
;then lean in and tilt her chin and
kiss her lightly
When she complains that her neck/
shoulders hurts massage it for her
When people diss her stand up for
her
Look deep into her eyes and tell
her you love you
Lay down under the stars and out
her head on your chest
so she can listen to the steady
beat of your heart,
Link your fingers together while
you whisper to her
as she rests her eyes and listens
to you
Now make a wish about something you
would like to happen
betwwen you and your crush
should treat your girlfriend
Ladies, if your boyfriend doesn't
treat you like this,
Then send it to them or print it
out and send it to em'. And if you
dont
got a man, make sure you find one
that will treat you like this!
This is really sweet! Aww!
Put your arms around her waist and
whisper in her ears
Kiss her every chance you get
Hold her close when she's cold
When you are alone hold her close
and kiss her
Kiss her on the tip of her nose
(it will give her the hint that you
want to kiss them)
While in the movie, put your arm
around her
and then she will automatically put
her head on your shoulder,
;then lean in and tilt her chin and
kiss her lightly
When she complains that her neck/
shoulders hurts massage it for her
When people diss her stand up for
her
Look deep into her eyes and tell
her you love you
Lay down under the stars and out
her head on your chest
so she can listen to the steady
beat of your heart,
Link your fingers together while
you whisper to her
as she rests her eyes and listens
to you
Now make a wish about something you
would like to happen
betwwen you and your crush
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A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"
afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place
where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were
finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock that night.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his
shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked,
thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the
door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I can not tell a lie.
My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the
afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can
see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf
again, haven't you?"
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Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"
Man yells out his window, "BITCH!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.
Woman driving up same road
They pass each other
Woman yells out her window, "PIG!"
Man yells out his window, "BITCH!"
Man rounds next curve
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.
Thought For The Day : If only men would listen.
A man was sitting next to a very attractive woman on an airplane. To
start conversation, he asked her what kind of men she was interested
in. Her first choice was American Indian men, since they're so rugged.
After that she said that Jewish men were pretty attractive too. Not
belonging to either of those categories, the man asked if there were
any other kinds of men she liked to date. She thought for a moment and
then said Southern men, because they're so gentlemanly. At this point,
she realized she didn't know the man's name.
"Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
start conversation, he asked her what kind of men she was interested
in. Her first choice was American Indian men, since they're so rugged.
After that she said that Jewish men were pretty attractive too. Not
belonging to either of those categories, the man asked if there were
any other kinds of men she liked to date. She thought for a moment and
then said Southern men, because they're so gentlemanly. At this point,
she realized she didn't know the man's name.
"Well, my name's Geronimo Bernstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
(which in our society means over 25)
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A
younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade
in a brothel. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of
the night to ask you, 'What are you thinking?' An older woman doesn't
care what you think. An older woman always carries a purse full of
emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every
time there's a natural disaster. An older woman always carries a
condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might
have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman
will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a
cup of a herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick
during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a
jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women
can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. An older
woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another
clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older
woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you're acting like one.
A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break
up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal. If you act
immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just
mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her
house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you. An older woman
will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you
get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will
probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental
plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out
playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of 'using her.'
She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will
wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older woman know how to
cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111. An older woman will
introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid
her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an
affair, because somehow they always know. Older woman often own an
interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from
admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at
all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. An
older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody
that they might possibly burp later. Older women are dignified. They
are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the
night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand
that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger
woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman has lots
of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too. An older
woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an
amusement ride. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the
best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen
them first.
An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A
younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade
in a brothel. An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of
the night to ask you, 'What are you thinking?' An older woman doesn't
care what you think. An older woman always carries a purse full of
emergency supplies. Young women go hungry and bleed to death every
time there's a natural disaster. An older woman always carries a
condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might
have one on him. An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman
will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a
cup of a herbal tea. An older woman can wear bright red lipstick
during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a
jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Older women
can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. An older
woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already
attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another
clingy, whiny, dependent lover! Older women are more honest. An older
woman will tell you that you are an XXXXXXX if you're acting like one.
A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break
up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal. If you act
immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman will just
mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at her
house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you. An older woman
will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you
get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will
probably be the last to know... Older women have jobs with dental
plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out
playing hockey. An older woman will never accuse you of 'using her.'
She's using you. Older women take charge of the situation. An older
woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will
wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... Older woman know how to
cook. Young women know how to dial 967-1111. An older woman will
introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid
her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas...
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an
affair, because somehow they always know. Older woman often own an
interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from
admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at
all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. An
older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody
that they might possibly burp later. Older women are dignified. They
are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the
night in a public park. Older women are experienced. They understand
that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger
woman may need some time to grasp this fact. An older woman has lots
of girlfriends... and most of them will want to boff you too. An older
woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an
amusement ride. An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the
best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen
them first.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out herself. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?", she said.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," replied the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true", she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
"Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?", she said.
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff.
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," replied the irate woman.
"But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true", she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.
A ship sank in high seas and the following people got
stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Iranian men and 1 Iranian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island,
the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the
Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the
endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and
they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other
men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican
woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their
part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and
by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the
Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the
first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the
English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide.
The American woman is bitching about her body being
her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do
everything that they can do, about the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of the household
chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her much better, and how her relationship
with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Iranian men are still waiting for someone
to introduce them to the Iranian woman.
stranded on a beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere:
A. 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
B. 2 French men and 1 French woman
C. 2 German men and 1 German woman
D. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
E. 2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
F. 2 Mexican men and 1 Mexican woman
G. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
H. 2 American men and 1 American woman
I. 2 Iranian men and 1 Iranian woman
One month later, on various parts of the island,
the following was observed:
A. One Italian man killed the other Italian man for
the Italian woman.
B. The two French men and the French woman are
living happily together.
C. The two German men have a strict weekly schedule
of when they alternate with the German woman.
D. The two Greek men are sleeping together, and the
Greek woman is cooking & cleaning for them.
E. The two Polish men took a long look at the
endless ocean and a long look at the Polish woman, and
they started swimming.
F. The two Mexican men are talking to all the other
men on the island trying to sell them the Mexican
woman.
G. The two Irish men began by dividing up their
part of the island into Northern & Southern parts, and
by setting up a distillery. They do not remember the
Irish woman because it gets sort of foggy after the
first few liters of coconut whiskey; but at least the
English are not getting any.
H. The two American men are contemplating suicide.
The American woman is bitching about her body being
her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do
everything that they can do, about the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of the household
chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
and treated her much better, and how her relationship
with her mother is improving.
I. The 2 Iranian men are still waiting for someone
to introduce them to the Iranian woman.
It all makes sense now. I never looked at it this way before:
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist....
And when we have real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist....
And when we have real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
>> > > When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady
>> > > about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near
>> > > J.C.Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out.
>> > > I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>> > > She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
>> > > He makes love to me every morning and then gets up
>> > > and makes me pancakes,sausage, fresh fruit and>> > > freshly
>> > > ground, brewed>> > > coffee."
>> > > I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
>> > > She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and
>> > > my favorite brownies>> > > and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
>> > > I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
>> > > She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
>> > > with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes>> > > love
>> > > to me until 2:00am.">> > > I said: "Well, why in the world would you be
>> > > crying?">> > > She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!
>> > > about 75-80 years old sitting on a park bench near
>> > > J.C.Penney and she was sobbing her eyes out.
>> > > I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
>> > > She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home.
>> > > He makes love to me every morning and then gets up
>> > > and makes me pancakes,sausage, fresh fruit and>> > > freshly
>> > > ground, brewed>> > > coffee."
>> > > I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
>> > > She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and
>> > > my favorite brownies>> > > and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
>> > > I said: "Well so why are you crying?"
>> > > She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal
>> > > with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes>> > > love
>> > > to me until 2:00am.">> > > I said: "Well, why in the world would you be
>> > > crying?">> > > She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!
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The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can
take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can
tell my wife."
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Comments
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TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an verage of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball,playing video games etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.I have succeeded 36 times, which is an verage of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball,playing video games etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
> > > Answers to Life's Questions About Men
> > > =====================================
> > >
> > >
> > > What did God say after creating man?
> > > I must be able to do better than that.
> > >
> > > What did God say after creating Eve?
> > > "Practice makes perfect."
> > >
> > > How are men and parking spots alike?
> > > All the good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped
> > > or extremely small.
> > >
> > > What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
> > > They're married.
> > >
> > > Why are married women heavier than single women?
> > > Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
> > > Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
> > >
> > > What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> > > A widow.
> > >
> > > Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
> > > God says: "So you would love her."
> > > "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
> > > God says: "So she would love you."
> > >
> > > Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
> > > He wouldn't ask for directions.
> > >
>
> > > =====================================
> > >
> > >
> > > What did God say after creating man?
> > > I must be able to do better than that.
> > >
> > > What did God say after creating Eve?
> > > "Practice makes perfect."
> > >
> > > How are men and parking spots alike?
> > > All the good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped
> > > or extremely small.
> > >
> > > What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
> > > They're married.
> > >
> > > Why are married women heavier than single women?
> > > Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
> > > Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
> > >
> > > What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
> > > A widow.
> > >
> > > Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
> > > God says: "So you would love her."
> > > "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
> > > God says: "So she would love you."
> > >
> > > Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
> > > He wouldn't ask for directions.
> > >
>
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
There were three women sitting at a bar, talking about how loose
they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to
his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his
knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.
they were. One woman said that her husband could fit his arm in up to
his elbow. The next woman said her man could fit his leg in up to his
knee. The last woman just slid over the bar stool.
LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
There really is one.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors allaround.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.
LUST- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.
There really is one.
LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.
LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.
LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?
LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.
LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors allaround.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.
LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.
LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.
LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.
LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed.
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady. After
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want...
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether
you're here or not."
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want...
and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner
to be on the table, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozin', and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether
you're here or not."
Comments
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Once there was a Genie. A woman saw him.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie."
So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for.. a good man."
The genie let out a huge sigh and said,
"Let me see the fucking map again."
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie."
So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be
reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for.. a good man."
The genie let out a huge sigh and said,
"Let me see the fucking map again."
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Does my bum look big in this? = Tell me
I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this
later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late,
you're dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just
agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have
flabby thighs
You're so.. manly = You need a shave and
you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for
something expensive
It's your decision = The correct decision
should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is
sex all you ever think
about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your
shoes and find a good
game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something
today that you're
really not going to like
---------- TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH:---------
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is out
of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd
better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually
like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually
like to have sex with
you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd
eventually like to have sex
with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it
illegal for you to have sex with other guys
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by
showing that I am a deep person and then you'd like
to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that
outfit = I am gay
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
:Close the door.
When do you care for a man's company?
:When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
:Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
:So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
:A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
:Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
:So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
:I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
:"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government
bonds?
:Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
:They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
:So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
:Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed
and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his
brainpower?
:A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
:God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
:He wouldn't ask for directions.
:Close the door.
When do you care for a man's company?
:When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
:Three, if you slice them very thinly.
Why do men get married?
:So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.
What are a woman's four favorite animals?
:A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger
in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
:Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
:So men can remember them.
What did God say after creating man?
:I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after she made Eve?
:"Practice makes perfect."
What's the difference between men and government
bonds?
:Bonds mature.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
:They're married.
Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
:So they can find their way back to the house.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
:Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed
and go to the fridge.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his
brainpower?
:A widower.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?"
:God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
:He wouldn't ask for directions.
Man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
Woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got screwed up
Another version:
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES
Woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
Man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT
Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION
Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD
Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE
Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY
Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got screwed up
Another version:
The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.
The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.
The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.
The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.
The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.
The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.
The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES
> >>Man & Woman Story
> >>
> >>ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> >>Smart man + smart woman = romance
> >>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> >>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> >>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >>
> >>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> >>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> >>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> >>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> >>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >>
>>>SHOPPING MATH
> >>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> >>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> >>
> >>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> >>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> >>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> >>spend.
> >>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >>
> >>HAPPINESS
> >>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
> >>him
> >>little.
> >>
> >>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> >>understand
> >>her at all.
> >>
> >>MEMORY
> >>Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in
> >>two
> >>people remembering the same thing.
> >>
> >>APPEARANCE
> >>Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> >>Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >>
> >>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> >>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> >>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
> >>does.
> >>
> >>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> >>A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
> >>after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >>
> >>ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> >>Smart man + smart woman = romance
> >>Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> >>Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> >>Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >>
> >>OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> >>Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> >>Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> >>Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> >>Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >>
>>>SHOPPING MATH
> >>A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> >>A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> >>
> >>GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> >>A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> >>A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >>A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
> >>spend.
> >>A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >>
> >>HAPPINESS
> >>To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
> >>him
> >>little.
> >>
> >>To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
> >>understand
> >>her at all.
> >>
> >>MEMORY
> >>Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in
> >>two
> >>people remembering the same thing.
> >>
> >>APPEARANCE
> >>Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
> >>Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
> >>
> >>PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> >>A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> >>A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
> >>does.
> >>
> >>DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> >>A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
> >>after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first
name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring and suffeRING.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days. "She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your will power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife
Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all!
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cacklin', telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
LIFE'S EQUATIONS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy! with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
name was "Always".
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't
like to interrupt her.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring,
wedding ring and suffeRING.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's
on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then
God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping
on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in
four days. "She looked at him and said, "God, I wish
I had your will power."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two
mothers-in-laws.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he
marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife
Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still
alive."
How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to
get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life thinking they had no faults at all!
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too
late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much
does it cost to get married?" And the father replied,
"I don't know son, I'm still paying."
------
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING
MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking
me in the ribs and cacklin', telling me, "You're next." They stopped
after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
LIFE'S EQUATIONS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a
lot and love him a little.
To be happy! with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but
he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't
change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman
- before marriage and after marriage.
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one
morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his
head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with
the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes
off to do work
around the house. Three days later he is once again
sitting in his
chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
swatting.
MAN: "What was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse phoned."
morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his
head with a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with
the name Marylou written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to
the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the
horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes
off to do work
around the house. Three days later he is once again
sitting in his
chair reading and she repeats the frying pan
swatting.
MAN: "What was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse phoned."
Have you ever read that married men live longer than single men?
What they don't tell you is that married men are much more willing to
die.
What they don't tell you is that married men are much more willing to
die.
MEN ACCORDING TO WOMEN
1. Nice men are ugly.
2. Handsome men are not nice.
3. Men who are both nice and handsome are gay.
4. Men who are handsome, nice, and heterosexual are
married.
5. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men, have no money.
6. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men with money think we are only after their
money.
7. Handsome men without money are after
our money.
8. Handsome men, who are not so nice and
are somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
beautiful enough.
9. Men who think we are beautiful, that
are heterosexual, somewhat nice and somewhat
handsome,
and have money, are cowards.
10. Men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are
heterosexual,are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
11. Men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the
initiative.
AND THEY SAY WOMEN ARE HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!
1. Nice men are ugly.
2. Handsome men are not nice.
3. Men who are both nice and handsome are gay.
4. Men who are handsome, nice, and heterosexual are
married.
5. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men, have no money.
6. Men who are not so handsome, but are
nice men with money think we are only after their
money.
7. Handsome men without money are after
our money.
8. Handsome men, who are not so nice and
are somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are
beautiful enough.
9. Men who think we are beautiful, that
are heterosexual, somewhat nice and somewhat
handsome,
and have money, are cowards.
10. Men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are
heterosexual,are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!!
11. Men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the
initiative.
AND THEY SAY WOMEN ARE HARD TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!
Why did God create man?
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn!
Because vibrators can't mow the lawn!
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with."
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with."
Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
Men are like fine wine: They all start out as grapes, and it is your
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd want to have with dinner
job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something you'd want to have with dinner
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Why are men born with more brains than dogs?
So they won't screw your leg at a cocktail party!
So they won't screw your leg at a cocktail party!
What is a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
A padded headboard.
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No, thanks. I'm just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this!!!
6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it here!
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked anyway!
1. And the thing a man should never, ever under any circumstances say
out loud in Victoria's Secret: Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat
ass into that!
9. No, thanks. I'm just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this!!!
6. Oh, the size won't matter, she's inflatable.
5. That's okay. You don't have to wrap it, I'll eat it here!
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Miracle what? This is better than world peace!
2. 45 bucks?! You're just going to end up naked anyway!
1. And the thing a man should never, ever under any circumstances say
out loud in Victoria's Secret: Oh, honey, you'll never get your fat
ass into that!
Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
A: Opposites attract.
Q: Why do men sit with their legs wide open?
A: So their brains can breathe.
A: So their brains can breathe.
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they?
A: His left hand and his right hand.
A: His left hand and his right hand.
What do you call a man with hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!
Gladiator!
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
On the wall? Art.
On the floor? Matt.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are
able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
_________________________________________________________________
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter
if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong
affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of
shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a
pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.
Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by dousing with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are
able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and
begins to smell.
_________________________________________________________________
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and
may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter
if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong
affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent
when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns
slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Q: What's the difference between men and batteries?
A: Batteries have a positive side.
A: Batteries have a positive side.
Why are men like blenders?
Every woman has one, and doesn't know why!
Every woman has one, and doesn't know why!
What do bungee jumpers and men have in common?
When the rubber breaks they're both in deep trouble.
When the rubber breaks they're both in deep trouble.
Why are men just like carpet?
Once you lay 'em right you can walk all over 'em.
Once you lay 'em right you can walk all over 'em.
Why are men like diapers?
They are always on my ass and full of shit - thank goodness they're
disposable!
They are always on my ass and full of shit - thank goodness they're
disposable!
Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.
A: So he can tell if he's coming or going.
Q: What do a man and a driveway have in common?
A: Lay em' right the first time and they'll stay with you.
A: Lay em' right the first time and they'll stay with you.
Men are like lava lamps.
Fun to look at but not that bright.
Fun to look at but not that bright.
How are men like lightbulbs?
You have to screw both of them to get a response!
You have to screw both of them to get a response!
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they are all pigs.
Because they are all pigs.
Q: What do men and parking spaces have in common?
A: The good ones are always taken and the free ones are either very
small or handicaped.
A: The good ones are always taken and the free ones are either very
small or handicaped.
I'M GLAD I'M A MAN
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt,
diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about
the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south,
east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do
drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to
wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around
checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why
get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit
around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab
them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll
never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out
there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly
think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I
pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun
than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not
going to work; I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to
use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any
measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of
child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my
gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm
thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of
Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my
erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't
get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that
damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your
butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go
around "re-adjusting" my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard
gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman,
I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you
can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave
with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few
hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got far
too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have
these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and
shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't
tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my
pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh
and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old
penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks;
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by
chance and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a
man like you!
I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe; I don't live off of yogurt,
diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about
the size of my breasts; I can get where I want to -- north, south,
east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers; and when I do
drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to
wear; I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around
checking my reflection; in everything shiny from every direction. I
don't whine in public and make us leave early; and when you ask why
get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have to sit
around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab
them in the back; I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll
never go psycho and threaten to kill you; or think every guy out
there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical
too; I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly
think its a privilege for me; to have these two balls and stand when I
pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball; it's more fun
than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not
going to work; I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to
use me for immediate pleasure; I won't assume it's permanent by any
measure.
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see; I'm glad I'm not capable of
child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days; I'm glad that my
gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm
thankful it's true; I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN
I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am; I don't live off of
Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my
erections; I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't
get wasted at parties and act like a clown; and I know how to put that
damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your
butt; my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go
around "re-adjusting" my crotch; or yell like Tarzan when my headboard
gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman,
I'm so glad I could sing; I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back; when I lean over you
can't see three inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave
with my comb; I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few
hairs pulled from over the side; I'm a woman, you know - I've got far
too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me; to have
these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and
shoot basketball; I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't
tell you my wife just does not understand; or stick my hand in my
pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh
and weep; then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see; forget all about that old
penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks;
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by
chance and I'm thankful, it's true; I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a
man like you!
The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women
(i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this
are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may
at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel
ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have
a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't
feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing
laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his
manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for
you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women
(i.e.relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this
are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their
behavior in accordance with the truths established below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may
at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel
ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have
a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't
feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing
laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his
manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for
you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
We don't know because it's never been done!
We don't know because it's never been done!
Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning,
she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife
the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he
stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he
still is there with them !
Conclusion: Men are better friends !!!!
she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends, and none of them confirms that.
Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife
the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends : 5 of them confirm that he
stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he
still is there with them !
Conclusion: Men are better friends !!!!
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total takeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he
....................
....................
.....................
.....................
married the one with the biggest breasts.
Men are Men....!!!!!
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total takeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him
because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he
....................
....................
.....................
.....................
married the one with the biggest breasts.
Men are Men....!!!!!
Why did God invent a man first?
She wanted to start with something simple.
She wanted to start with something simple.
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, men will screw anything.
One, men will screw anything.
WOMAN
The best way of describing a woman is to use a ball.
At 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
At 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men after her.
At 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man after her.
At 48, she is a Ping-Pong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.
What woman think about sex
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!
MAN
The best way of describing a man is to compare him to fruits.
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.
Man's sexual chemistry
At 20s thrice weekly
At 30s tries weekly
At 40s tries weakly
At 50s tries & tries
At 60s tries& cries
At 70s tries & dies!
The best way of describing a woman is to use a ball.
At 18, she is a football - 22 men going after her.
At 28, she is a hockey ball - 8 men after her.
At 38, she is a golf ball - 1 man after her.
At 48, she is a Ping-Pong ball - 2 men pushing to each other.
What woman think about sex
At age 8 ignore it.
At age 18 experience it.
At age 28 look for it.
At age 38 ask for it.
At age 48 beg for it.
At age 58 pay for it.
At age 68 pray for it.
At age 78 forget it!
MAN
The best way of describing a man is to compare him to fruits.
At 20 - A man is like a coconut; so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian; dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a water-melon; big, round & juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange; the season comes once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin; dried out, wrinkled & cheap.
Man's sexual chemistry
At 20s thrice weekly
At 30s tries weekly
At 40s tries weakly
At 50s tries & tries
At 60s tries& cries
At 70s tries & dies!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw
in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call
each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately
refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw
in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"? Well,
here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern
Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
here's a prime example offered by an English professor at Southern
Methodist University:
In-class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting
to his other immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will
then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story
coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been
reached. The following was actually turned in by two of my English
students, Rebecca [last name deleted] and Gary [last name deleted.] "
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he
could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and
blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct
hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree with no
newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Au'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on
course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire
planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference
table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's
blow'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
Why don't men name their penises after women?
Because they don't want a woman running their life.
Because they don't want a woman running their life.
"I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.
and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick
ANY dress and let's go home!
"I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired." = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look
that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys.
and FINALLY... (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Just pick
ANY dress and let's go home!
Q: How do you know when a man's planning for the future?
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.
A: He buys TWO cases of beer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are special days, but not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and golf shots.
5. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. It will never make an Olympic event (although we could be wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling)
7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently.
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Check your oil! Please.
16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Deal with it.
24. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We have no idea what mauve is.
25. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will assume nothing's wrong.
28. I'm in shape. - Round IS a shape.
2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are special days, but not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
3. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
4. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and golf shots.
5. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
6. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. It will never make an Olympic event (although we could be wrong on that, the way they instituted women's hockey & wrestling)
7. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Crying is blackmail.
9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
10. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently.
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
12. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Check your oil! Please.
16. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
17. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
20. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
23. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Deal with it.
24. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ;-) We have no idea what mauve is.
25. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
26. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
27. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will assume nothing's wrong.
28. I'm in shape. - Round IS a shape.
Q: Why don't they let Minnesota women go out with Wisconsin guys?
A: Have you ever seen a gopher hole after a badger has been in it?
A: Have you ever seen a gopher hole after a badger has been in it?
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
___________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
___________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
__________________________________________________
LOL!!!!!
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
______________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn
by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
_____________________________________
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
_______________________________________________
New Sex Study...
It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is
a doggie position.
The husband sits up and begs.
The wife rolls over and plays dead...
___________________________________________
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks,
"How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies,
"Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
___________________________________________
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
__________________________________________________
LOL!!!!!
A woman's perfect breakfast:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
________________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered
buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
______________________________________________________
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped the horn
by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "asshole!" afterwards.
>>The Lovers of the Heart
>>
>>Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
>>
>>1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
>>2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
>>3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
>>4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
>>5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
>>6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
>>7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
>>8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
>>9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
>>
>>Article 2: The Three Steps
>>
>>1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
>>2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
>>3.Guys & Girls:Close your eyes when kissing,it is rude to stare
>>
>>Article 3: The Commandments
>>
>>1.Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
>>2.Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
>>3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.
>>
>>**Remember**
>>
>>A peach is a peach
>>A plum is a plum,
>>A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue ,so open up your mouth
>>close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise!!!
>
>>
>>~*~WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls~*~
>>
>>1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
>>2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
>>3. How cute they look when they sleep
>>4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
>>5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in
>>the >world
>>6. How cute they are when they eat
>>7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes
>>it all worth while
>>8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
>>9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
>>10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know
>>that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
>>11. How cute they are when they argue
>>12. The way her hand always finds yours
>>13. The way they smile
>>14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after
>>you >just had a big fight
>>15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know
>>that an hour later....
>>16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
>>17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
>>18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
>>19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
>>20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that
>>silly
>>21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
>>22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt.
>>(even though we don't admit it)!
>>23. The way they say "I miss you"
>>24. The way you miss them
>>25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that
>>it
>>doesn't hurt her anymore.....
>>
>>Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
>>
>>1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
>>2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
>>3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
>>4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
>>5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
>>6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried away
>>7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
>>8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
>>9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
>>
>>Article 2: The Three Steps
>>
>>1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
>>2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
>>3.Guys & Girls:Close your eyes when kissing,it is rude to stare
>>
>>Article 3: The Commandments
>>
>>1.Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
>>2.Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
>>3. Thou shall kiss at every opportunity.
>>
>>**Remember**
>>
>>A peach is a peach
>>A plum is a plum,
>>A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue ,so open up your mouth
>>close your eyes and give your tongue some exercise!!!
>
>>
>>~*~WELL here's a few reasons why guys like girls~*~
>>
>>1. They will always smell good even if its just shampoo
>>2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder
>>3. How cute they look when they sleep
>>4. The ease in which they fit into our arms
>>5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in
>>the >world
>>6. How cute they are when they eat
>>7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes
>>it all worth while
>>8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside
>>9. The way they look good no matter what they wear
>>10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know
>>that you think she's the most beautiful thing on this earth
>>11. How cute they are when they argue
>>12. The way her hand always finds yours
>>13. The way they smile
>>14. The way you feel when you see their name on the call ID after
>>you >just had a big fight
>>15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" even though you know
>>that an hour later....
>>16. The way they kiss when you do something nice for them
>>17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you"
>>18. Actually ... just the way they kiss you...
>>19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry
>>20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that
>>silly
>>21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt
>>22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt.
>>(even though we don't admit it)!
>>23. The way they say "I miss you"
>>24. The way you miss them
>>25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that
>>it
>>doesn't hurt her anymore.....
A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so
proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go
home,
and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in
spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go
home,
and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
MEN
Murphy's Laws About Men:
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are
married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice
men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our
money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and
somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful
enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, who are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are
cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice
and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the
initiative.
NOW.... WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with.
Murphy's Laws About Men:
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are
married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice
men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome but are nice men
with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our
money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and
somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful
enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, who are
heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are
cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice
and have some money and thank God are heterosexual,
are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first move,
automatically lose interest in us when we take the
initiative.
NOW.... WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like
grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and
keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with.
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office and while there the Doctor asked for a sperm count.
He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
For all of you with the dirty minds, you should be ashamed !!
He gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."
For all of you with the dirty minds, you should be ashamed !!
26 Things That A
Perfect Guy Would Do
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always
notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your
independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be
serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually
hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he
wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it
means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you
depart from each others company, even when his friends
are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.
26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just
because he loves u that much to quit it.
Perfect Guy Would Do
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always
notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your
independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know how to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be
serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually
hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he
wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it
means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you
depart from each others company, even when his friends
are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.
26. Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just
because he loves u that much to quit it.
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based ON what she drinks. Though interviewed separately,
they concurred on almost all counts. The result:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to
approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles. Your
Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with
friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she
has NO clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this
should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally
drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing
to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink: Tequila
No explanations required -- everyone KNOWS what happens here.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to
help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror
pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour
zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife
dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't
you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a
stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour
zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife
dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing
your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't
you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."
Comments
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Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, to understand a man.
Love, to forgive him and;
Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
I pray for:
Wisdom, to understand a man.
Love, to forgive him and;
Patience, for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death.
The Answer Man(Woman) Tackles Pregnancy:
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got
pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as
well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my
feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and
a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans
to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her
breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel
and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers
rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear
anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got
pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and
genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as
well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my
feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during
pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night
without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative.
What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me.
Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes
she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring
on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and
a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for
him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire
throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans
to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a
saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her
breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel
and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Comments
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Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands She returned to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"
"Land mines," said the woman.
Comments
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"Jim Garrigues"
I have a suggestion for the proof that girls = evil.
I believe that when you say:
x = (sqrt(y))^2
that you can only say that
x = |y| (absolute value of y)
therefore,
if girls=(sqrt(evil))^2
then girls=|evil|
or girls are "absolute" evil!
-Jim
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BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
_________________________________________________________
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
_________________________________________________________
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?
I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
_________________________________________________________
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
_________________________________________________________
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
__________________________________________________________
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette
ut of his mouth.
__________________________________________________________
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
__________________________________________________________
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in
both ears and comes out of the mouth.
__________________________________________________________
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
__________________________________________________________
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
__________________________________________________________
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and
consideration to me?
Man : By check, money order or cash.
__________________________________________________________
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when
I'm seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
_________________________________________________________
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
_________________________________________________________
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me?
I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
_________________________________________________________
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
_________________________________________________________
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
_________________________________________________________
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
__________________________________________________________
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette
ut of his mouth.
__________________________________________________________
Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.
__________________________________________________________
Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one
ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in
both ears and comes out of the mouth.
__________________________________________________________
Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.
What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
__________________________________________________________
Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?
Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.
__________________________________________________________
Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and
consideration to me?
Man : By check, money order or cash.
__________________________________________________________
Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when
I'm seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Trustworthy.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook - they eat. We clean - they dirty. We iron - they wrinkle.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
ONE, He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Comments
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Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is
not the only thing in life!!
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older
she gets the more interested he is in her.
* Agatha Christie
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
* Oscar Wilde
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
* Scottish Proverb
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
* Sam Kinison
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers
that your wife will give you for free.
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
they'd be married too.
* H. L. Mencken
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three ring circus:
* engagement ring ---wedding ring ---suffering
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a
ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get
married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature
handcuffs....."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
only seems longer.
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
* U2
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street bald and still think they are beautiful."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's
finished
-------------------------------------------------------------------
not the only thing in life!!
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older
she gets the more interested he is in her.
* Agatha Christie
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men
should be happier than others.
* Oscar Wilde
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper.
* Scottish Proverb
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
* Sam Kinison
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers
that your wife will give you for free.
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't,
they'd be married too.
* H. L. Mencken
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three ring circus:
* engagement ring ---wedding ring ---suffering
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a
ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the
estimate.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to ever get
married. He says "the wedding rings look too much like miniature
handcuffs....."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a
wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she
leaned
over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned
for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After
marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It
only seems longer.
* Anonymous
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle."
* U2
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street bald and still think they are beautiful."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man is single, he's incomplete. When he's married, he's
finished
-------------------------------------------------------------------
10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister
You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him A little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and Not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him A little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and Not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men,
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes,
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
COMPREHENSION
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
The Rules - Finally from a Male point of view!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! And please
note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl.
If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear
us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be
opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . ..again!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been
tricked before!!
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know, it's like camping...
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male
side. if you have already read some of these before it wont hurt to read them again.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect
present yet again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of
the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and
by then you're stuck with her.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your oil!
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is
also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know
you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes and too many shoes.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where
it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't
matter which quiz.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Men like sleeping on the couch, it's like camping.
side. if you have already read some of these before it wont hurt to read them again.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect
present yet again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of
the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and
by then you're stuck with her.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong
hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us
frequently beforehand.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at
choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy
is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Check your oil!
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap
opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or
angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you
already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is
also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not
proof of how little we care about you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know
you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to
hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as
navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
You have enough clothes and too many shoes.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where
it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't
matter which quiz.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.
Men like sleeping on the couch, it's like camping.
Rules that guys wished girls knew..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done- not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!]
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse
to
answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married
women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer
you
do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear
Wonder
bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends
* like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach,
for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and
monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to
like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good
with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know
how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done- not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right
to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like
you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are
airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Note: These are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!]
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse
to
answer.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that
married
women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can
find the perfect present yet again!
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to; expect an answer
you
do not want to hear.
1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster
trucks.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it
that
way.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries
on a
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd
be
any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your
dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
1. Check your oil. Please.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it
done,
not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at. More women should wear
Wonder
bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends
* like THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach,
for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no
idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. What the hell is a doily?
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NewYork.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in NewYork.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a
sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in
love
with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very
much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that
they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.
Men wrote : 'I love sex.' :))
sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'
Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in
love
with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very
much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that
they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.
Men wrote : 'I love sex.' :))
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Q: What did one man's leg say to his other leg?
A: Hey look,shorty is growing a beard!
A: Hey look,shorty is growing a beard!
Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
How To Shower Like A Woman...
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush
to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you
lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half
getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along
the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch
your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use
one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you
checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah,
baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
* Take off clothing and place it in sectional laundry hamper according
to lights and darks.
* Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see your
boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush
to the bathroom.
* Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut
so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting
fat.
* Get in shower. Look for face-cloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long
loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
* Wash you hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.
* Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced
with natural crocus oil. Leave on for 15 minutes.
* Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes
until red and raw.
* Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
* Rinse conditioner off of hair (this takes at least 15 minutes as you
must make sure that it has all come off).
* Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to
get it waxed instead.
* Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you
lose the water pressure.
* Turn off shower.
* Squeegee off all wet surfaces inn the shower. Spray mold spots with
Tilex.
* Get out of the shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African
Country.
* Wrap hair in super-absorbent second towel.
* Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.
* Return to bedroom wearing bathrobe and towel on head.
* If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any
exposed flesh and then rush to the bedroom to spend an hour-and-a-half
getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man...
* Take off clothes while sitting in the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
* Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along
the way, flash her making the ''woo, woo'' sound.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to
see your pecs. Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, stratch
your balls.
* Get in shower. Don't bother looking for a washcloth. You don't use
one.
* Wash your face.
* Wash your armpits.
* Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
* Wash your privates and surronding area.
* Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
* Shampoo your hair. Do not use conditioner.
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee (in the shower).
* Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the
floor bacause you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you
checked your Mohawk.
* Partially dry off.
* Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles .Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet mat on the floor.
* Leave bathroom light and fan on.
* Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your balls, shout ''Oh yeah,
baby!'' and thrust your pelvis at her.
* Throw wet towel on the bed. Take two minutes to get dressed.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two
interact, she started to wonder if there was more between
John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's
thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever
since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to
find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose
she took it, do you?"
John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter
just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my
house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy
ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his
mother which read:
"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm
not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the
fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed,
she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to
the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are
now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If
she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to
the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well, and we are
now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, it is either bad or
terrible!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If
she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs! Ha!
Snowballs! Ha!
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch
any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the
gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
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Male Stages of Life
AGE DRINK
17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox
AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.
AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping
AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."
AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
AGE FAVORITE HOUSE PET
17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbie
AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17
------------------------------------------------
Female Stages of Life
AGE DRINK
17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVORITE SPORT
17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"
FAVORITE FANTASY
17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man
HOUSE PET
17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the
Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff
the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66
IDEAL DATE
17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew his breakfast
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Study Finds Female Beauty Is Male Drug
Brain scans show a man's reaction to seeing beautiful women is similar
to an addict's when he get his fix.
The study seems to be proof feminine beauty affects the male brain at
its most basic level.
Pictures of attractive women activated the same reward circuits in the
brains of heterosexual men as food and cocaine.
The study may help prove we are born knowing what is beautiful and what
is not.
Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a
co-author
of the study, said: "This is hard-core circuitry. Beauty is working
similar to a drug."
In a second, related study, men were shown random pictures of women for
several seconds, but could extend or cut the viewing time by pressing
keys on a keypad.
Attractive women were viewed an average of 8.7 seconds while others
were
viewed for 5.2 seconds.
The men worked frantically to keep the beautiful women on the screen,
each pressing the keyboard an average of more than 6,700 times in 40
minutes.
A researcher said: ''These guys look like rodents bar-pressing for
cocaine."
Researchers at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General
Hospital
have published their work in the journal "Neuron".
Brain scans show a man's reaction to seeing beautiful women is similar
to an addict's when he get his fix.
The study seems to be proof feminine beauty affects the male brain at
its most basic level.
Pictures of attractive women activated the same reward circuits in the
brains of heterosexual men as food and cocaine.
The study may help prove we are born knowing what is beautiful and what
is not.
Dan Ariely, of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and a
co-author
of the study, said: "This is hard-core circuitry. Beauty is working
similar to a drug."
In a second, related study, men were shown random pictures of women for
several seconds, but could extend or cut the viewing time by pressing
keys on a keypad.
Attractive women were viewed an average of 8.7 seconds while others
were
viewed for 5.2 seconds.
The men worked frantically to keep the beautiful women on the screen,
each pressing the keyboard an average of more than 6,700 times in 40
minutes.
A researcher said: ''These guys look like rodents bar-pressing for
cocaine."
Researchers at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General
Hospital
have published their work in the journal "Neuron".
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A bum asked a man on the street for $2.
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.
The bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?"
Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
The bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?"
"Will you buy booze?" the man asks.
The bum replies, "No."
"Will you gamble it away?"
Once again the bum replies, "No."
"Will you make bets at the golf course?"
The bum replies "No, I don't play golf"
Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what
happens to a man who doesn't drink, gamble, or play golf?"
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.........
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She
is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland
around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She
may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost
the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With
a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony
Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She
is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland
around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot,
relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She
may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm
and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost
the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now
necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide,
quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid
climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With
a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony
Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
Finally, the guys side of the story.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
.... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -- to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh!!
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all
numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do
not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say
it!
1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer
you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine
.... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -- to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -- to give them a bigger laugh!!
Joe had lived with his wife Mary in their little home deep in the woods for
fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to the
big city and they checked into an upscale hotel.
Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We refuse to settle for such a small
room. We don't have any windows or fan, or even a bed!"
"But, Madam!"
Mary interrupted the man. "Don't you 'But, Madam' me!" she stormed. "You
can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel
much, and we've never been to the big city, and we've never spent the night
at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"But, Madam," the bellman finally got out, "this isn't your room. It's the
elevator!"
fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to the
big city and they checked into an upscale hotel.
Mary had a complaint for the bellman. "We refuse to settle for such a small
room. We don't have any windows or fan, or even a bed!"
"But, Madam!"
Mary interrupted the man. "Don't you 'But, Madam' me!" she stormed. "You
can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel
much, and we've never been to the big city, and we've never spent the night
at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager!"
"But, Madam," the bellman finally got out, "this isn't your room. It's the
elevator!"
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked
him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of
the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history…
him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a
woman.
He said, "this pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag
you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a
disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of
the night to take care of them.
She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history…
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from
work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her
daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law
answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it
makes me
happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home
from
work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the
way
home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed,
showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally
her
husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.
Q: What have working for the Mafia and fingering a woman got in
common?
A: One wrong move and you're in the shit!
common?
A: One wrong move and you're in the shit!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
Scroll down for the answer...
The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.
Men keep'a scrollin'...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.
There are several men sitting around in the locker
room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for
the 19th hole.
Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches
rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following
conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where
you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it
that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I
really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he
gave me a really good price...and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something
else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was
reconciling your
bank account and..I visited with the real estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with
a pool, English garden, acre of park area."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $850,000 - a magnificent price...and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
up to $820,000.OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I
love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The
other men are looking at him in astonishment and
derision. The husband raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who
this phone belongs to?"
room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for
the 19th hole.
Suddenly, a mobile phone on one of the benches
rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following
conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where
you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's
absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it
that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I
really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he
gave me a really good price...and since we need to
exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the
options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something
else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was
reconciling your
bank account and..I visited with the real estate
agent this morning and saw the house we had looked
at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with
a pool, English garden, acre of park area."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $850,000 - a magnificent price...and I see
that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid
up to $820,000.OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I
love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up and closes the phone's flap. The
other men are looking at him in astonishment and
derision. The husband raises his hand while
holding the phone and asks, "Does anyone know who
this phone belongs to?"
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
From a women:
1.The nice men are ugly.
2.The handsome men are not nice.
3.The handsome and nice men are gay!!!!!!
4.The handsome nice ,and hetrosexual men,are married.
5.The men are not so handsome ,but nice ,have no money .
6.The men who are not so handsome ,but are nice ,with money think we are only about their money .
7.The handsome man without money are after our money .
8.The handsome men ,who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, dont think we are beautiful enough ... 9.The men who are some what handsome somewhat nice,and have some money and thanks God are heterosexual,are shy ...... AND NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
10.The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative..
Comments
![[email]](/mailer.php?attach=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Fdb%2Ffun%2FGender%2FThe_Way_Some_Women_Park.jpg&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.anvari.org%2Ffun%2FGender%2FThe_Way_Some_Women_Park.html&subject=The Way Some Women Park)
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord,
grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they
cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I
can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on
that bridge?"
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord,
grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and
in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant
you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive
over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your
desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and
think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they
cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I
can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on
that bridge?"
There were three pregnant women sitting together. The first woman
said, "I'm going to have a boy."
"How did you know that?" the other two women asked her.
"Because I was on top," she replied.
The second pregnant woman said, "I'm going to have a girl."
"How did you know that?" asked the other two women.
"Because I was on the bottom."
Then the third pregnant woman started to cry.
What's wrong?" the two other women asked her.
"She replied, "I'm going to have a puppy!"
said, "I'm going to have a boy."
"How did you know that?" the other two women asked her.
"Because I was on top," she replied.
The second pregnant woman said, "I'm going to have a girl."
"How did you know that?" asked the other two women.
"Because I was on the bottom."
Then the third pregnant woman started to cry.
What's wrong?" the two other women asked her.
"She replied, "I'm going to have a puppy!"
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's
okay, because I will be the most
beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man
in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The
woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a
trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I
failed to mention the condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world,
an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's
okay, because I will be the most
beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man
in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. "The
woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his
is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!
What are the three biggest lies a woman will tell?
1) You're the best.
2) You're the biggest.
3) I swear... it doesn't always smell like this.
1) You're the best.
2) You're the biggest.
3) I swear... it doesn't always smell like this.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could
offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to
her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always
conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words." (controlling huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a
moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes,
and slowly, and meaningfully, said....
"Clean my house"
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged
man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not
take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive
stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she could
offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to
her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no
matter how kinky, for $20.00.......on one condition." (There are always
conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man
replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just
three words." (controlling huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a
moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes,
and slowly, and meaningfully, said....
"Clean my house"
How do you know if a woman is ticklish? Give her a test tickle.
To make a woman happy..... a man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone!.
..wow it's true!!!
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never worrying about where
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
53. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Leave him alone!.
..wow it's true!!!
>>TOGETHER AGAIN
>>
>> Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and
has 17 children.
Soon
>>after the last child is born her husband dies. A few
weeks later she
>>remarries and over the following years has another
22 children with
her
>>second husband. After the last child is born her
second husband also
dies.
>>Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a
third time.
Unfortunately,
>>she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the
priest looks tenderly
at
>>Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the
heavens and says,
"At
>>least, they're finally together."
>>A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me,
Father, but do
you
>>mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her
second husband?"
>>The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..
Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"
"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"
He lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
10. Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. One day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist's or haircut appointment by himself.
6. Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. If the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that."
Here are the top 10 things that men understand about women:
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
(You guessed it)
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1.
(You guessed it)
1. Cats' facial expressions.
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10. Other women.
2. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
3. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
4. Fat clothes.
5. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
6. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell.
7. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
8. Eyelash curlers.
9. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
10. Other women.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women
(and what they actually mean)
(Thanks to Oneill for sending it to me)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating
you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about
all the other men I meet . It's the male perspective thing.)
In response...The male perspective on the same issue...
Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
(and what they actually mean)
(Thanks to Oneill for sending it to me)
10. I think of you as a brother.
(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone
calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend.
(I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work.
(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the
same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating
you.)
2. I'm celibate.
(I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends.
(I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about
all the other men I meet . It's the male perspective thing.)
In response...The male perspective on the same issue...
Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
(and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister.
(You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
(You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
(You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.
(You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend.
(You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work.
(You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me.
(You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.
(You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate.
(You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends.
(You're sinfully ugly.)
Here are a few ways girls turn "romantic" guys down!!!
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life-in your wildest dreams.
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Where I'll be the rest of your life-in your wildest dreams.
HER SIDE OF THE STORY :
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :
Leafs lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him, and he just put his arm around me! I didn't know what the hell that meant because, you know, he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to break up with me! Why didn't he want to talk about this? So I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Why would he rather watch TV than talk to me? Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep, hoping he would get the hint that I was upset and wanted to talk. I was so hurt that he was out there watching TV while I was in here going through emotional turmoil. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. I thought that maybe he would open up after we shared an intimate experience like that, but he still seemed really distracted. So afterwards I just wanted to leave because I was so upset, but I just cried myself to sleep. He didn't even notice how upset I was! I don't know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm on emotional overload. I'm so confused. I don't think he loves me anymore. Why does he have to play mind games with me? I mean, do you! think he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY :
Leafs lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
Men are of different types...
There is the:
INTERNET man
Man of difficult access
SERVER man
Always busy when you need him
WINDOWS man
Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can
live without him
EXCEL man
They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to
achieve your basic requirements
D.O.S. man
Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more
VIRUS man
Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , install himself and uses all your resources, if you try to
uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't uninstall him
you will lose everything
SCREENSAVER man
he is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun
RAM man
he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him
HARD DISK man
he remembers everything forever
MULTIMEDIA man
he makes horrible things look beautiful
USER man
he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs
CD-ROM man
he is always faster and faster
There is the:
INTERNET man
Man of difficult access
SERVER man
Always busy when you need him
WINDOWS man
Everyone knows that he can't do a thing right, but no one can
live without him
EXCEL man
They say he can do a lot of things, but you mostly use him to
achieve your basic requirements
D.O.S. man
Everyone had him, but no one wants him any more
VIRUS man
Also known as spouse, when you are not expecting him, he comes , install himself and uses all your resources, if you try to
uninstall him you will lose something, if you don't uninstall him
you will lose everything
SCREENSAVER man
he is not worth for anything, but at least he is fun
RAM man
he forgets everything you say when you disconnect him
HARD DISK man
he remembers everything forever
MULTIMEDIA man
he makes horrible things look beautiful
USER man
he messes up everything he does and he ask always more than he needs
CD-ROM man
he is always faster and faster
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy," .... "Is your Mommy near
the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got
an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with
Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put
down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's
car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped
over the rug and went flying out the front window and
now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he
was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
the swimming pool..... but he must have forgot that
last week you took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's
all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy," .... "Is your Mommy near
the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle
Frank,"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got
an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with
Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then......here's what I want you do. Put
down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's
car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the
phone. "Well, I
did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped
over the rug and went flying out the front window and
now she's all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he
was all scared and he jumped out the back window into
the swimming pool..... but he must have forgot that
last week you took out all the water to clean it, so
he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's
all real dead too."
***long pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a
lamp,
rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides
to
grant one wish to the lucky guy.
The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to
Hawaii
because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done
because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of
the
ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for
something
else.
The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would
understand women.
The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"
lamp,
rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides
to
grant one wish to the lucky guy.
The guy thinks about it and says, "I'd like you to build a highway to
Hawaii
because I am afraid to fly. The genie responds that this can't be done
because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of
the
ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for
something
else.
The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would
understand women.
The genie than said, "Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?"
What's the difference between men and women at the ages: 8,18,28,38,48
Answers:
At 8 : You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18: You tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 28: You don't have to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: She tells you a story to take you to bed.
At 48: You tell her a story to avoid going to bed ;-)
Answers:
At 8 : You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18: You tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 28: You don't have to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: She tells you a story to take you to bed.
At 48: You tell her a story to avoid going to bed ;-)
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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Ways to turn men down
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your
wildest dreams.
FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS (and
men who may appreciate good humour!)
-----------------------
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
HE: can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money
HE: I'm a photographer i've been looking for a face likeyours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon .i've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake
twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your
wildest dreams.
FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS (and
men who may appreciate good humour!)
-----------------------
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom
wearing black?"
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of
her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom
wearing black?"
What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?
A full set of teeth.
A full set of teeth.
> What a boyfriend should do. . . . COUGH COUGH (just a little note from da gurlz) COUGH COUGH
>*~*~*~*~*
>Put your arms around her waist
>and whisper in her ears.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Kiss her every chance you get.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Hold her close when she's cold.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When you are alone hold
>her close and kiss her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Kiss her on the tip of her nose
>(it will give her the hint that
>you want to kiss her.)
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>While in the movie, put your
>arm around her and then she
>will automatically put her head
>on your shoulder...... then lean in and tilt her chin and kiss her lightly.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When she complains that her
>neck/shoulders hurts or her
>body language kinda tells you
>they hurt, massage it for her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When people disscuss her stand up for her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Look deep into her eyes and
>tell her you love her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Lay down under the stars and
>put her head on your
>chest so she can listen to
>the steady beat of your heart.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Link your fingers together
>while you whisper to
>her as she rests her eyes
>and listens to you
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
>Now make a wish about something you would like to happen between you and your crush....
>*~*~*~*~*
>
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
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>*~*~*~*~* STOP!! *~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
>*~*~*~*~*
>Put your arms around her waist
>and whisper in her ears.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Kiss her every chance you get.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Hold her close when she's cold.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When you are alone hold
>her close and kiss her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Kiss her on the tip of her nose
>(it will give her the hint that
>you want to kiss her.)
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>While in the movie, put your
>arm around her and then she
>will automatically put her head
>on your shoulder...... then lean in and tilt her chin and kiss her lightly.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When she complains that her
>neck/shoulders hurts or her
>body language kinda tells you
>they hurt, massage it for her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>When people disscuss her stand up for her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Look deep into her eyes and
>tell her you love her.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Lay down under the stars and
>put her head on your
>chest so she can listen to
>the steady beat of your heart.
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>Link your fingers together
>while you whisper to
>her as she rests her eyes
>and listens to you
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
>Now make a wish about something you would like to happen between you and your crush....
>*~*~*~*~*
>
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
>*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*
>
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>
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>*~*~*~*~* STOP!! *~*~*~*~*
>
>
>
>
*What GALS really mean when they type in....*
- Blue -- I'm feeling' HORNY
- Pink -- SEXY!
- Red -- I LOVE YOU!
- Green -- Feelin' a little CRAZY!
- Orange -- I'm HAPPY
- Yellow -- SAD!
- Purple -- Feelin' Girly
- Aqua -- Moody
**What she REALLY means when she says...
- I don't like you. (But she still flirts with you) --
I LOVE YOU!
- Call ya tomorrow. -- I AM NEVER CALLING YOU
AGAIN!
- Like the shirt. -- It would look better on my
boyfriend.
- Don't leave me. -- I WANT YOU!
- I like your new hair-cut. -- YOU ARE TOTALLY
HOTT!
- I like you pants. -- I'd rather be in them
with you.
***What she means when she touches you...
- On the Leg -- I want you bad!
- On the face -- I want to make-out!
- The Arm -- Hold My Hand!
- The Neck -- I want a kiss!
- Blue -- I'm feeling' HORNY
- Pink -- SEXY!
- Red -- I LOVE YOU!
- Green -- Feelin' a little CRAZY!
- Orange -- I'm HAPPY
- Yellow -- SAD!
- Purple -- Feelin' Girly
- Aqua -- Moody
**What she REALLY means when she says...
- I don't like you. (But she still flirts with you) --
I LOVE YOU!
- Call ya tomorrow. -- I AM NEVER CALLING YOU
AGAIN!
- Like the shirt. -- It would look better on my
boyfriend.
- Don't leave me. -- I WANT YOU!
- I like your new hair-cut. -- YOU ARE TOTALLY
HOTT!
- I like you pants. -- I'd rather be in them
with you.
***What she means when she touches you...
- On the Leg -- I want you bad!
- On the face -- I want to make-out!
- The Arm -- Hold My Hand!
- The Neck -- I want a kiss!
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out
occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the
furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on
weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady -- splurges on dinner out
occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the
furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on
weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
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-The nice men are ugly.
-The handsome men are not nice.
-The handsome and nice man are gay.
-The handsome,nice and heterosexual men are married.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
-The handsome men without money are after our money.
-The handsome men,who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexeual don't think we are beautiful enough.
-The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexuel, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
-The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexuel are shy and never make the first move!!
-The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
NOW,WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??!!
-The handsome men are not nice.
-The handsome and nice man are gay.
-The handsome,nice and heterosexual men are married.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men have no money.
-The men who are not so handsome but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
-The handsome men without money are after our money.
-The handsome men,who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexeual don't think we are beautiful enough.
-The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexuel, somewhat nice and have money are cowards.
-The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexuel are shy and never make the first move!!
-The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
NOW,WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??!!
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"
their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband
who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I
can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it.
I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as
his kneecaps.
"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be
until your attitude changes!"
A man and his wife in court are getting a
divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the
child.
The wife jumped up an said: 'Your Honor. I
brought the child into the world with pain an
labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband an says ' What do
you have to say in your defence?
The man sat for a while contemplating..then
slowly rose. 'Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a
vending machine and a Coke comes out..whose Coke
it .. the machine's or mine?
divorce.
The problem was who should get custody of the
child.
The wife jumped up an said: 'Your Honor. I
brought the child into the world with pain an
labor. She should be in my custody.
The judge turns to the husband an says ' What do
you have to say in your defence?
The man sat for a while contemplating..then
slowly rose. 'Your Honor. If I put a dollar in a
vending machine and a Coke comes out..whose Coke
it .. the machine's or mine?
1. You always know if you are the first one to open a beer.
2. A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer.
4. The colder a beer, the better.
5. You can always share a beer with your friends.
6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your
mind, you can pick another one.
2. A beer never gets jealous if you grab another beer.
3. A beer never gets angry if you arrive smelling of beer.
4. The colder a beer, the better.
5. You can always share a beer with your friends.
6. A beer does not get upset if you arrive at 3 a.m.
7. You can choose a beer from a box, and if you change your
mind, you can pick another one.
Why Bicycles Are Better Than Women
1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle"
unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss
politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize
before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get
sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont
get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you
dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without
having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a
decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.
1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.
11. You'll never hear, "Suprise, you're goning to own a new bicycle"
unless you go out and buy one yourself.
12. If your bicycle goes flat, you can fix it.
13. If your bicycle is too loose, you can tighten it.
14. If your bicycle gets misaligned, you don't have to discuss
politics with it.
15. You can have a black bicycle and bring it home to your parents.
16. You don't have to be jealous of the guy who works on your bicycle.
17. If you say bad things to your bicycle, you don't have to apologize
before you ride it again.
18. You can ride your bicycle as long as you want and it wont get
sore.
19. You can stop riding your bicycle as soon as you want and it wont
get frustrated.
20. Your parents wont remain in touch with your old bicycle after you
dump it.
21. Bicycles don't get headaches.
22. Bicycles don't insult you if you're a bad rider.
23. Your bicyle never wants a night out with other bicycles.
24. Bicycles don't care if you're late.
25. You don't have to take a shower before you ride your bicycle.
26. If your bicycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better
parts.
27. You can ride your bicycle the first time you meet it without
having to take it to dinner, see a movie, or meet its mother.
28. The only protection you need to wear when riding your bicycle is a
decent helment.
29. When in mixed company, you can talk about what a great ride you
had the last time you were on your bicycle.
1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
12. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
13. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
14. Coffee smells and tastes good.
15. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
16. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
17. You can always get fresh coffee.
18. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you
get back.
19. They sell coffee at police stations.
20. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
21. Coffee goes down easier.
22. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
23. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
24. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
25. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
26. Coffee smells good in the morning.
27. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
28. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
29. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
30. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
31. Coffee doesn't shed.
32. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
33. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
34. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
35. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
36. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
37. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
38. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back
of your throat.
39. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
40. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a
cup.
41. INSTANT COFFEE!
42. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
43. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
44. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
12. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
13. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
14. Coffee smells and tastes good.
15. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
16. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
17. You can always get fresh coffee.
18. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you
get back.
19. They sell coffee at police stations.
20. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
21. Coffee goes down easier.
22. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
23. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
24. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
25. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
26. Coffee smells good in the morning.
27. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
28. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
29. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
30. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
31. Coffee doesn't shed.
32. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
33. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
34. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
35. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
36. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
37. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
38. When you have a coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back
of your throat.
39. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
40. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a
cup.
41. INSTANT COFFEE!
42. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
43. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
44. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."
departed mother and started back toward his car when
his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at
a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound
intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to
die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't
wish to interfere with your private grief, but this
demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then
replied, "My wife's first husband."
Here are a few reasons
why guys like girls:
1.
They will always smell good
even if its just shampoo
2.
The way their heads always
find the right spot on our shoulder
3.
How cute they look when they sleep
4.
The ease in which they fit into our arms
5.
The way they kiss you and
all of a sudden everything
is right in the world
6.
How cute they are when they eat
7.
The way they take hours
to get dressed
but in the end
it makes it all worth while
8.
Because they are always
warm even when its minus 30 outside
9.
The way they look good
no matter what they wear
10.
The way they fish for compliments
even though you both know that you
think she's the most
beautiful thing on this earth
11.
How cute they are when they argue
12.
The way her hand always finds yours
13.
The way they smile
14.
The way you feel
when you see their name
on the call ID
after you just had a big fight
15.
The way she says
"lets not fight anymore"
even though you know that
an hour later....
16.
The way they kiss when
you do something nice for them
17.
The way they kiss you
when you say
"I love you"
18.
Actually ...
just the way they kiss you...
19.
The way they fall into your arms
when they cry
20.
Then the way they apologize
for crying over something that silly
21.
The way they hit you
and expect it to hurt
22.
Then the way they apologize
when it does hurt.
(even though we don't admit it)!
23.
The way they say
"I miss you"
24.
The way you miss them
25.
The way their tears
make you want to
change the world
so that it
doesn't hurt her anymore.....
Yet regardless
if you love them,
hate them,
wish they would die
or
know that you would die
without them ...
it matters not.
Because once in your life,
whatever they were to the world
they become everything to you.
When you look them in the eyes,
traveling to
the depths of their souls
and
you say a million things
without trace of a sound,
you know that your own life
is inevitable consumed
within the rhythmic beatings
of her very heart.
We love them for a million reasons,
No paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind
but of the heart.
A feeling.
Only felt.
why guys like girls:
1.
They will always smell good
even if its just shampoo
2.
The way their heads always
find the right spot on our shoulder
3.
How cute they look when they sleep
4.
The ease in which they fit into our arms
5.
The way they kiss you and
all of a sudden everything
is right in the world
6.
How cute they are when they eat
7.
The way they take hours
to get dressed
but in the end
it makes it all worth while
8.
Because they are always
warm even when its minus 30 outside
9.
The way they look good
no matter what they wear
10.
The way they fish for compliments
even though you both know that you
think she's the most
beautiful thing on this earth
11.
How cute they are when they argue
12.
The way her hand always finds yours
13.
The way they smile
14.
The way you feel
when you see their name
on the call ID
after you just had a big fight
15.
The way she says
"lets not fight anymore"
even though you know that
an hour later....
16.
The way they kiss when
you do something nice for them
17.
The way they kiss you
when you say
"I love you"
18.
Actually ...
just the way they kiss you...
19.
The way they fall into your arms
when they cry
20.
Then the way they apologize
for crying over something that silly
21.
The way they hit you
and expect it to hurt
22.
Then the way they apologize
when it does hurt.
(even though we don't admit it)!
23.
The way they say
"I miss you"
24.
The way you miss them
25.
The way their tears
make you want to
change the world
so that it
doesn't hurt her anymore.....
Yet regardless
if you love them,
hate them,
wish they would die
or
know that you would die
without them ...
it matters not.
Because once in your life,
whatever they were to the world
they become everything to you.
When you look them in the eyes,
traveling to
the depths of their souls
and
you say a million things
without trace of a sound,
you know that your own life
is inevitable consumed
within the rhythmic beatings
of her very heart.
We love them for a million reasons,
No paper would do it justice.
It is a thing not of the mind
but of the heart.
A feeling.
Only felt.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
haircut.
You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's Just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $1000; Tux rental $100.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours
without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
And last, but not least, You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache
HEY NOW WHO RULES..:)))))))))) just kidding....:p :)
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
haircut.
You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's Just too "yucky".
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $1000; Tux rental $100.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So,
notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours
without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
You can drop by to see a friend without having to
bring a little gift.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all
seasons.
And last, but not least, You have freedom of choice
concerning growing a mustache
HEY NOW WHO RULES..:)))))))))) just kidding....:p :)
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Why don't women need driver's licenses?
Because there are no roads between the laundry room and the kitchen!
Because there are no roads between the laundry room and the kitchen!
Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
All major kitchen appliances come in white.
All major kitchen appliances come in white.
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
Taxi's stop for us.
Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
We know the Truth about whether or not size matters.
If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
Q: Why did God give women more brain cells than cows?
A: So that women don't shit themselves when you play with their tits.
A: So that women don't shit themselves when you play with their tits.
Why don't witches have children?
Because their husbands have Holloweenies.
Because their husbands have Holloweenies.
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Womanhood
Brilliant Woman Author Unknown
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Celebrate Womanhood! Please forward this page to all the brilliant women in your life!
Brilliant Woman Author Unknown
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."
Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
Celebrate Womanhood! Please forward this page to all the brilliant women in your life!
"WOMEN." So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet
so powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an "experience man".
If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect
her.
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard
to wait.
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way."
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a
heel.
If she is visited by another, "Oh! it's natural,
we are girls."
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes
you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are
taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's
tactics.
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they
are just admiring.
If she talks, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
In short,
Oh God!! You created those creatures called
"WOMEN."
So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so
powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O Lord, tell me what to do, A MEN!!!."
so powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman.
If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying.
If you don't, you are good for nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing.
If you don't, you are not understanding.
If you make romance, you are an "experience man".
If you don't, you are half a man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring.
If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy.
If you don't, you are a dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad.
If you don't, she thinks you don't love her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you don't respect
her.
If you don't, she thinks you don't like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard
to wait.
If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way."
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a
heel.
If she is visited by another, "Oh! it's natural,
we are girls."
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes
you are cold.
If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are
taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics.
If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's
tactics.
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting.
If she is stared by others, she says that they
are just admiring.
If she talks, she wants you to listen.
If you listen, she wants you to talk.
In short,
Oh God!! You created those creatures called
"WOMEN."
So simple, yet so complex. So weak, yet so
powerful. So confusing, yet so desirable.
"O Lord, tell me what to do, A MEN!!!."
Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of
estrogen. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't
drive...
estrogen. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and
observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't
drive...
Women do not snore, burp, sweat or pass gas.
Therefore, we must bitch or we will blow up.
Therefore, we must bitch or we will blow up.
Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that dang makeup!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my other ear which fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!
Women think they already know everything, but wait...training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
1. Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9.What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
10. Why does the bride always wear white?
-Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
-Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12. How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
-Made her chain too long.
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
-Marry it!
15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-A battery has a positive side.
16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
-1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
-Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
-They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
-A man to show her how to work it.
20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
-They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
-She knows she's given her last blow job.
22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
-A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
23. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
-After 10 years the job still sucks.
24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
-Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called "waist"?
-Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
-Put a nipple on it.
28. Why did the woman cross the road?
-What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
-'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
30. How is a woman like a condom?
-Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.
3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.
4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.
5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.
7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.
8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
9.What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.
10. Why does the bride always wear white?
-Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
-Nothing, she's been told twice already.
12. How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
-Made her chain too long.
14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
-Marry it!
15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-A battery has a positive side.
16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
-1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman
17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
-Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.
18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
-They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
-A man to show her how to work it.
20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
-They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.
21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
-She knows she's given her last blow job.
22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
-A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.
23. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
-After 10 years the job still sucks.
24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
-Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called "waist"?
-Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.
27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
-Put a nipple on it.
28. Why did the woman cross the road?
-What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!
29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
-'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.
30. How is a woman like a condom?
-Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
Why do women pass less gas than men?
Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up
pressure!
Because women don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up
pressure!
1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because
I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do
anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-
4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-
6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
8. I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-
9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-
12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
14. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem-
15. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that
growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night
-Marie Corelli-
16. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill
17. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-
18. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
19. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
I know I'm not dumb .... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see
a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-
3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends
told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do
anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-
4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-
6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
8. I think-therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-
9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-
12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
14. Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
-Gloria Steinem-
15. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home
which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that
growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night
-Marie Corelli-
16. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith-Summerskill
17. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-
18. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
19. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
What do women and rocks have in common?
You skip the flat ones
You skip the flat ones
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care...
Because they think men care...
Women are like bikes -- the harder you ride them the better they
perform.
perform.
Q: Why do women choose sex over bowling?
A: Because the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your
shoes.
A: Because the balls are lighter and you don't have to change your
shoes.
Why doesn't a woman need a car?
Because you don't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
Because you don't need a car to get from the bedroom to the kitchen.
What do women and condoms have in common?
They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Women are, for the most part, not well suited to accept reality or to think logically.
they will approach a situation with their mind already made up, then they will twist and
manipulate the information to validate what they're already thinking.
So their views on reality are usually messed up. and their process for
arguing/interacting is not based on reality, instead it's based on whatever irrational tools will help them
prove their point (screaming, personal attacks, red herrings, etc).
they will approach a situation with their mind already made up, then they will twist and
manipulate the information to validate what they're already thinking.
So their views on reality are usually messed up. and their process for
arguing/interacting is not based on reality, instead it's based on whatever irrational tools will help them
prove their point (screaming, personal attacks, red herrings, etc).
When is a woman above a man?
When the kitchen is upstairs!
When the kitchen is upstairs!
Q: What is the difference between a woman with PMS and a snarling
Doberman Pincher?
A: Lipstick!
Doberman Pincher?
A: Lipstick!
What is the difference between a woman a pool table?
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays
out.
On the pool table, you put the balls in the hole and the stick stays
out.
What do women and tile floors have in common?
Lay 'em good once and you'll never have any more trouble out of em.
Lay 'em good once and you'll never have any more trouble out of em.
Q: How are toilets different from women?
A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
A: The toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
Why don't women need watches?
Because there's a clock on the stove.
Because there's a clock on the stove.
If a woman could change a man into any mammal, what would it be?
A whale - because it has a thirty foot tongue, and can breathe out of
the top of its head!
A whale - because it has a thirty foot tongue, and can breathe out of
the top of its head!
Okay,Here is what a boy said :
We can agree that A girlfriend is a product of time
and money right?
Girlfriend = Time * Money
Your girlfriend is a woman!
Girfriend = Woman
Woman = Time * Money
We all know that time is money...
time = money
woman = money * money
woman = (money)^2
We also know that money is the root of all evil,
correct?
money = sqrt(evil)
woman = [sqrt(evil)]^2
Hence,
woman = evil
WOMEN ARE EVIL!!!
We can agree that A girlfriend is a product of time
and money right?
Girlfriend = Time * Money
Your girlfriend is a woman!
Girfriend = Woman
Woman = Time * Money
We all know that time is money...
time = money
woman = money * money
woman = (money)^2
We also know that money is the root of all evil,
correct?
money = sqrt(evil)
woman = [sqrt(evil)]^2
Hence,
woman = evil
WOMEN ARE EVIL!!!
What's the difference between women at the ages of
8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?
>8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story....
>18 - You tell her a story then take her to bed...
>28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her
to bed....
>38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed....
>48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....
>58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story...
8, 18, 28, 38, 48 & 58?
>8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story....
>18 - You tell her a story then take her to bed...
>28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her
to bed....
>38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed....
>48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....
>58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story...
How come only forty percent of women go to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell.
Because if they all went it would be hell.
Why ain't women been put on the moon?
Because it don't need cleaning yet.
Because it don't need cleaning yet.
What's the similarity between a woman and dog poop?
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Some men like looking at women's arses. Some men like looking at
women's tits. Me, I like looking at the tops of their heads.
women's tits. Me, I like looking at the tops of their heads.
"Yes" = No
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think
about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
"No" = Yes
"Maybe" = No
"I'm sorry" = You'll be sorry
"We need" = I want
"It's your decision" = The correct decision should be obvious by now
"Sure... go ahead" = I don't want you to
"I'm not upset" = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
"We need to talk" = I need to complain
"You're certainly attentive tonight" = Is sex all you ever think
about?
"Be romantic, turn out the lights" = I have flabby thighs
"This kitchen is so inconvenient" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper...
"I heard a noise" = I noticed you were almost asleep
"Do you love me?" = I'm going to ask for something expensive
"How much do you love me?" = I did something today you're really not
going to like
"I'll be ready in a minute" = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
"Is my butt fat?" = Lie to me
"You have to learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"Are you listening to me!?" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Do what you want." = You'll pay for this later
What are six inches long and irresistable to women?
Dollar bills.
Dollar bills.
Why are women's feet so small?
So they can stand closer to the sink.
So they can stand closer to the sink.
Belts. Women use belts an an accessory, guys use belts to perch
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.
their pants precariously on their crack.
Hats. Same deal. Do women need them? No. Why? Because there is a
choice, when you are having a bad hair day, you can (A) Spend 45
minutes in the bathroom dousing your hair with chemicals and goos, or
(B) Toss on a hat to cover up the nasty hair.
Socks. Guys wear white gymsocks, females have to go and wear pink and
purple frilly puffy socks. Socks thinner than public restroom toilet
paper. I mean c'mon ladies, when you're wearing pants does the color
or the socks really matter?
Bracelets. Who thought up these things? These are worse than
Minesweeper for wasting time. You can jingle them, and you can play
with them, they aren't good for much else!
Creams/Lotions/Oinments. Why do females have 19 different exfoliation
creams? I mean c'mon, it just clutters up the countertop in the
bathroom. A guy's bathroom: soap, razor, shaving cream, deoderant, and
some tough actin' Tinactin. A woman's, oh God. I wont even get into
that.
"You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever
see a smart woman with a dumb guy." -- Erica Jong
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." --
Wendy Liebman
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to." --
Erma Bombeck
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." --
Sue Grafton
"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew
hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky
"I think -- therefore I'm single." -- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda
Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon
Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed
as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want
anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career." -- Gloria Steinem
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness
Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria
Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --
Katharine Hepburn
see a smart woman with a dumb guy." -- Erica Jong
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We
can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives." -- Rita Rudner
"I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm
not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde." -- Dolly Parton
"I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog." --
Wendy Liebman
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to." --
Erma Bombeck
"If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them." --
Sue Grafton
"I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew
hair under my arms instead." -- Sue Kolinsky
"I think -- therefore I'm single." -- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men
invade another country." -- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda
Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." -- Maryon
Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed
as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as
quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, If you want anything said, ask a man; If you want
anything done, ask a woman." -- Margaret Thatcher
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage
and a career." -- Gloria Steinem
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." -- Baroness
Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose
around your neck?" -- Linda Ellerbee
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria
Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other.
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --
Katharine Hepburn
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
