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    101 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say.

    ----------------------------

    Uh-oh.....
    Shit!!
    What the hell!?
    Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
    That's SOOOOO bizarre.
    Wow!! Look at this.....
    Hey!! The suns don't do this.
    Terminated??!
    What software license?
    Well, it's doing something.....
    Wow....that seemed fast.....
    I got a better job at Lockheed...
    Management says...
    Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
    What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
    It didn't do that a minute ago...
    Where's the GUI on this thing?
    Damn, and I just bought that pop...
    Where's the DIR command?
    The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
    I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
    What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
    Do you smell something?
    What's that grinding sound?
    I have never seen it do *that* before...
    I think it should not be doing that...
    I remember the last time I saw it do that...
    You might as well all go home early today ...
    My leave starts tomorrow.
    Ooops.
    Hmm, maybe if I do this...
    "Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
    Hmmm, curious...
    Well, my files were backed up.
    What do you mean you needed that directory?
    What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
    Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
    Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
    I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
    Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
    We're standardizing on AIX.
    Wonder what this command does?
    What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
    You did what to the floppy???
    Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
    NO! Not that button!
    Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
    Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
    [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
    Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
    YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
    What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
    What's this switch for anyways...?
    Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
    Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
    If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
    Was that your directory?
    System coming down in 0 min....
    The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
    Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
    OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
    The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
    It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
    I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
    What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
    I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
    Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
    The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
    Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
    Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
    I hate it when that happens.
    And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
    Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
    Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
    You can do this patch with the system up...
    What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
    The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
    Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
    What do mean by "fired"?
    hey, what does mkfs do?
    where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
    ...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
    don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
    what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
    dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
    find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
    now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
    Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
    Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
    SMIT makes it all so much easier......
    Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
    I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
    We don't support that. We won't support that.
    ...and after I patched the microcode...
    You've got TECO. What more do you want?
    We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
    Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...
    Comments

    10 Commandments of Email


    Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

    Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

    Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

    Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

    Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

    Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

    Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

    Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
    Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

    When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
    of the dawn.





    And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

    That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.





    Comments

    1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
    2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
    3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's
    car.
    4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
    5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
    6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start
    howling.
    7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
    8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
    9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
    10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your
    fabulous paperweight collection.
    Comments


    The 10 Types of Users


    El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
    now it doesn't, ya know?"
    Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
    Disadvantages: So do chimps.
    Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
    Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and
    said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned
    back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well,
    ma'am, you've come to the right place."



    Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and
    now it looks all weird."
    Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
    Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
    meaning to.
    Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter
    ratio in WordPerfect
    Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document
    was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found
    that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in
    his document.



    Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
    fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
    Advantages: Will usually fix error.
    Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
    Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of
    fixing them.
    Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but
    didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty
    minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY
    LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could
    get it to compile."



    Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick,
    and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo,
    it did compile."
    Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
    Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
    Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
    Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their
    disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but
    empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it).
    Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
    they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different
    disks for the missing information.



    X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
    impressive, really."
    Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
    Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
    graphics technology.
    Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
    Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at
    DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I
    suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat
    down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly
    what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.



    Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a
    guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.'
    "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it
    yesterday!"
    Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
    Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
    'horse-puckey'.
    Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.
    Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
    Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
    WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.



    Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
    upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there,
    download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and
    put it in three-column format?"
    Advantages: Bold new challanges.
    Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
    Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make
    machines do things they don't want to do.
    Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another
    person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't
    know his target's home system, account name, or real name.



    Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on,
    like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like
    this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and
    after that I went to this line here, like this, and after
    that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
    Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
    Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
    Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay,
    but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the
    phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
    Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
    shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document
    into itself and denied that they did it (the user was
    complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same
    thing).



    Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
    "I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved,
    would you please garrote him and put him in the paper
    recycling bin?"
    Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
    Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
    this planet.
    Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
    Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because
    he (the user) didn't like it.



    Complete Idiot - "Why can't I copy this 25 megabyte text file onto a
    360K floppy disk?"
    Advantages: Believe anything that you tell them, because they don't
    have a clue. Often observed wearing aluminum foil
    under hat or garlic around neck to ward off evil
    computer viruses.
    Disadvantages: Cannot follow directions. Doesn't grasp simple concepts,
    like the meaning of the word "no."
    Symptoms: Holding hands under monitor during power failure,
    hoping to catch letters as they fall off of screen.
    Also observed playing Van Halen tape in Commodore-64
    cassette drive, trying to get a transcript of the lyrics.
    Most likely to have a bottle of white out next to monitor.
    Real Case: User once wrote program for simulations class that
    created 25 megabyte output file of every possible way to
    safely put 8 queens on a chess board, using "*"'s to draw
    board. Insisted that instructor wanted this printed and
    handed in. (Instructor only wanted to know the number.)
    User wouldn't take the hint when her access to all line
    printers was revoked after trying to print this file 4
    times. Decided to slip it by and print to Diablo 630
    daisywheel printer. Result: 14 pages of output and a
    broken "*" on the printwheel before the file and program
    were deleted with the permission of the instructor.
    Fourth year computer science student that couldn't figure
    out that in the best case, this file would take 4965 pages
    (2+ boxes of paper) and 7.6 days to print.
    Career Path: Gets programming job at Microsoft writing next version
    of Windows. Gets PhD in Artificial Intelligence, since
    they lack any natural intelligence. Dies of
    electrocution using hair dryer in pool, despite safety
    labels and tags.

    (The irony of this is that this individual was later hired as the Academic
    Computer Center manager, and she spends her day screaming at students who
    print 2 copies of their resume on a laser printer.)


    Comments

    10 years Ago...

    An application was for employment

    A program was a television show

    Windows were something you hated to clean,

    A keyboard was a piano

    A cursor used profanity

    Memory was something you lost with age

    A CD was a bank account

    And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy you hoped no one found out

    Compress was something you did to garbage

    If you unzipped in public you went to jail

    Log on was adding wood to a fire

    A hard drive was a long trip on the road

    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

    And a backup happened to your toilet

    Cut you did with scissors

    Paste you did with glue

    A web was a spider's home

    And a virus was the flu!!!

    WOW HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!


    Comments

    1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

    2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

    3) I will get dressed before noon.

    4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

    5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

    6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

    7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

    8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

    9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

    10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

    11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

    12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!
    Comments

    1776
    (If they had computers back then... )



    Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
    essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

    Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

    Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
    Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted
    yesterday?

    Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
    replication problems.

    Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
    Mr. Sherman: Thanks... saaaaay, nice font.

    Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
    Online just last week.

    Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear
    our document will soon leak out.

    Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
    circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

    Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

    Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
    It solved that problem for me.

    Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
    Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets
    to air out the text?

    Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
    candle wax on my keyboard again.

    Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd
    buy an active-matrix screen.

    Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!!

    Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My
    spell checker recommends "unassailable".

    Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document,
    please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

    Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't
    compatible.

    Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
    when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

    Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have
    you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
    centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

    Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus!
    I can't save the file.

    Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here,
    borrow my quill pen....


    Comments

    5MB Hard Disk in 1956 - Computer
    5MB Hard Disk in 1956 - Its a hard disk in 1956.... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive!
    Comments

    Diary of an AOL User


    July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
    the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
    better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
    can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

    July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
    modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
    think I am?

    July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
    wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

    July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
    next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

    July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
    Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
    says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
    he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
    who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
    software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
    holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
    have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
    jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
    makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

    July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
    this internet thing. I'm confused.

    July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
    America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
    compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

    July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
    but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

    July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
    connected to America Online not usenet.

    July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
    How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
    Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

    JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
    ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
    THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
    CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
    THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
    DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
    IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
    TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

    AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
    CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
    THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

    AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
    ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
    HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

    AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
    GREW THAT LARGE.

    AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
    I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
    REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
    TIMES.

    AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
    PROFANITY.

    AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
    WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
    HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

    August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
    probably an extra feature that costs more money.

    August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
    I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
    it to every newsgroup I could find.

    August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
    have to work on it some more.

    August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
    posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
    earth. I wonder what an aol is.

    August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
    Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
    but I can't find that group.

    August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
    where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
    kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
    he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
    wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
    don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
    they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
    of the joke and they used bad words.

    August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
    asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
    new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
    to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
    short story I like.

    August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
    told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

    Comments

    A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told
    the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the
    printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face
    the printer--but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.
    Comments

    A computer was something on TV
    From a science fiction show of note
    A window was something you hated to clean
    And ram was the cousin of a goat.

    Meg was the name of my girlfriend
    And gig was a job for the nights
    Now they all mean different things
    And that really mega bytes.

    An application was for employment
    A program was a TV show
    A cursor used profanity
    A keyboard was a piano.

    Memory was something that you lost with age
    A CD was a bank account
    And if you had a 3-inch floppy
    You hoped nobody found out.

    Compress was something you did to the garbage
    Not something you did to a file
    And if you unzipped anything in public
    You'd be in jail for a while.

    Log on was adding wood to the fire
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
    And a backup happened to your commode.

    Cut you did with a pocketknife
    Paste you did with glue
    A web was a spider's home
    And a virus was the flu.

    I'll stick to my pad and paper
    And the memory in my head
    No one's been killed in a computer crash
    But it makes their face turn red!
    Comments





    To avoid any potential Y2K problems, many companies and individuals are
    replacing their computers with Etch-A-Sketches. Other advantages of an
    Etch-A-Sketch over computers include:



    No glitches keeping work from being done.
    No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
    Ease of operation.



    Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical
    Support:

    Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: How do I create a New Document window?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
    A: Pick it up and shake it.


    Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
    A: Don't shake it.

    Comments

    Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95



    Costello: Hey, Abbott!
    Abbott: Yes, Lou?
    Costello: I just got my first computer.
    Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
    Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
    and a 24X CD-ROM.
    Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
    Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
    Abbott: You will in time.
    Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
    Abbott: Oh?
    Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
    Abbott: Well, I don't know-
    Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
    me.
    Abbott: Really?
    Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
    Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
    Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
    should be very careful how you turn it off.
    Abbott: That's true.
    Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
    off. What do I do?
    Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
    Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
    Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
    Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
    it. So tell me what to do.
    Abbott: I did.
    Costello: When?
    Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
    Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
    Abbott: To shut off the computer.
    Costello: I press Start to stop.
    Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
    Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
    Abbott: Start
    Costello: Start what?
    Abbott: Start button.
    Costello: Start button to do what?
    Abbott: Shut down.
    Costello: You don't have to get rude!
    Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
    Costello: Then say what you mean.
    Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
    Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
    Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
    Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the
    Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one
    in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
    Abbott: But that's what you do.
    Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
    Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
    Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
    this conversion.
    Abbott: What are you talking about?
    Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.




    Comments

    Abort, Retry, Ignore?


    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
    spreadsheets.
    Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
    I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
    Only this and nothing more.

    Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
    Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
    But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
    "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
    One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
    Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
    Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
    The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
    Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
    From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
    But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
    Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
    Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
    hard.
    I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
    Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
    Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
    Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
    Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
    Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
    A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
    The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
    Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
    What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
    Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
    But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
    You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
    Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"



    Comments

    Abraham's Computer



    One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
    busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
    son, comes home.



    Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
    What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
    a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
    lots more memory than you have here."

    Abraham
    replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
    of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
    space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
    memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."






    Comments

    Haiku:

    In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
    Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
    poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17
    syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
    the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message,
    often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight
    through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages
    from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has
    performed an illegal operation?"

    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located, but
    Countless more exist.
    --------------------------------------------
    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, and reboot.
    Order shall return.
    --------------------------------------------
    Program aborting
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask far too much.
    --------------------------------------------
    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.
    --------------------------------------------
    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.
    --------------------------------------------
    Your file was so big.
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
    --------------------------------------------
    Stay the patient course.
    Of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.
    --------------------------------------------
    A crash reduces
    Your expensive computer
    To a simple stone.
    --------------------------------------------
    Three things are certain
    Death, taxes and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.
    --------------------------------------------
    You step in the stream,
    But the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.
    --------------------------------------------
    Out of memory.
    We wish to hold the whole sky,
    But we never will.
    --------------------------------------------
    Having been erased,
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.
    --------------------------------------------
    Serious error.
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
    --------------------------------------------

    Comments

    From: chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com (Chuck Musciano)
    Subject:Addicted To Vi
    After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.

    As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.


    Addicted To Vi
    (with apologies to Robert Palmer)
    You press the keys with no effect,
    Your mode is not correct.
    The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
    You forgot to press escape.
    Can't insert, can't delete,
    Cursor keys won't repeat.
    You try to quit, but can't leave,
    An extra "bang" is all you need.

    You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
    Oh yeah?
    You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
    You know you're gonna have to face it;
    You're addicted to vi!

    You edit files one at a time;
    That doesn't seem too out of line?
    You don't think of keys to bind--
    A meta key would blow your mind.
    H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
    Expressions must be a Joy!
    Just press "f", or is it "t"?
    Maybe "n", or just "g"?

    Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
    Oh yeah?
    You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
    You know you're gonna have to face it;
    You're addicted to vi!

    Might as well face it,
    You're addicted to vi!

    You press the keys without effect,
    Your life is now a wreck.
    What a waste! Such a shame!
    And all you have is vi to blame.

    Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
    Oh yeah?
    You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
    You know you're gonna have to face it;
    You're addicted to vi!

    Might as well face it,
    You're addicted to vi!

    Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved.

    :wq
    Comments

    Alien Transmission



    Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from
    outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

    "This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five
    star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the
    list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message
    to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25
    of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in
    return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"



    Comments

    Alphabet - Computer
    Comments

    Always Accessible
    by Joe Lavin


    I was given this new cell phone at work, but I'm starting to think it's
    defective. You see, it tends to ring a lot. Like, for example, I'll be minding
    my own business walking to lunch, and suddenly it'll just start ringing.
    Even worse, when I answer it, it'll often be someone asking me a question
    about work. I'm thinking of calling the manufacturer to see if they can fix
    it. It's really starting to bug me.

    Yes, like many others, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into
    the world of cellular phones. I long vowed I would never own a cell
    phone, and to be honest I still don't. My employer owns it. I'm just the
    one forced to carry it around.

    I suppose it's really not so bad. It is convenient, and the phone can even
    fit into the palm of my hand. It's a nifty little gadget, and part of me (the
    part that forgets how evil cell phones are) likes having it. Yes, I can be
    reached at any time, but I can also turn it off and let the calls go to voice
    mail.

    Of course, it's still tough to have a good excuse for ignoring the phone.

    "I called earlier, Joe, but you didn't answer."

    "Oh, sorry about that. I just went out for a second."

    "So what? You have a cell phone."

    "Um, I mean, I was in. That's it. I was in and couldn't get your call. Oh,
    damn the batteries are running low, and I think I'm walking into a tunnel.
    Let me get back to you."

    While I may look oh-so-important when walking around with my cell
    phone, the only reason that I have it is because I don't have a real phone.
    My new job at Harvard is to go around to different departments and help
    them pay bills with Harvard's new financial system. I'm rarely at my
    desk -- hence, the evil cell phone.

    I still feel squeamish about having it, and I have yet to make a call while
    in public. After all, I just dont like having to subject others to my phone
    calls. On some days, I dont even like subjecting myself to them.

    And whenever it does ring, I feel slightly embarrassed. Well, actually,
    first I look around confused for a second before exclaiming to whoever
    I'm with, "Oh, that's me!" I'm not at all prepared to conduct a business
    call while walking around. God forbid when someone actually gives me a
    number. The other day, if by chance you saw an idiot on a cell phone in
    the middle of Harvard Yard trying to use a tree as a writing surface for a
    piece of scrap paper, that was me. Luckily, I did get the proper
    information, but even then I managed somehow to schedule a meeting
    for my day off.

    To be honest, I really shouldn't feel so self-conscious. I'm certainly not
    alone. I'm simply one of over 70 million Americans with a cell phone. All
    over, cell phones are suddenly pervasive. More and more restaurant
    owners have been forced to ban cell phones so that people will stop
    yakking into them during meals. Many theater owners have complained
    about cell phones ringing in the middle of plays and movies.
    Increasingly, states are even considering laws restricting the use of car
    phones.

    And then there are the people at sporting events. Lately, I've been
    watching the baseball playoffs, and during most every game you will
    now see some loser sitting behind home plate with a cell phone waving
    at someone on the phone. I suppose it's an innocent act, but it still makes
    one yearn for a sudden foul ball.

    "Hi, Mom. It's me. I'm on TV. See me waving. Right where the foul ball is
    about to -- AAAAARGGHH!"

    Not that I should really wish such a thing on anyone, but there's
    something about cell phone users that most people hate. Well, let me
    correct that. Most people would hate them except that most people are
    now starting to own cell phones of their own, and so it becomes more
    difficult to hate the cell phone users.

    Especially for me. After all, if you want to reach my apartment, you can
    now do so with one of four different numbers. My roommate Anna and I
    have separate phone numbers, and each of us has a cell phone too.

    I have a feeling that we might just be a little too connected to the world.
    You think?


    Comments

    1
    2
    3
    4
    1
    2
    3
    4
    Booooooooooo-t!
    {pause}
    {faster}
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!

    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!

    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!

    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
    Fork!


    Process... Kill!

    {slower}


    You can have your VMS,
    You can have your MS-DOS,
    You can even have you Windows NT,
    But don't you fuck with me,
    I've Got BSD,

    And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

    {slightly faster}


    So I'll protect my memory,
    Put my files in a tree,
    And when I'm a server, I'll never crash!

    'Cuz I'm written in C.
    For good Port-a-bility!
    And I'm old, but I keep getting bet-ter!

    Made by ATT,
    GNU keeps me Free!
    I'm the best damn OS on the net! v

    So, you can have your VMS,
    you can have your MS-DOS,
    you can have your Washington Mon-op-oly!
    But don't you fuck with me,
    Yeah, don't you fuck with me,
    Cuz I've Got BSD,
    I've Got BSD,

    And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

    Comments

    Ancient Tech Support


    The tech support problem dates back to long before the
    industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out
    a rhythm on drums to communicate:

    This fire help. Me Groog

    Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

    You have flint and stone?

    Ugh

    You hit them together?

    Ugh

    What happen?

    Fire not work

    (sigh) Make spark?

    No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

    *sigh* You change rock?

    I change nothing

    You sure?

    Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
    not burn Lorto hand.
    Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

    *Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

    *WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*




    Comments

    Antique PC - Computer
    Comments

    If AOL Was a City


    You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
    were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
    spandex.

    You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
    tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

    Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
    by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
    14.4 modems for only $399.99

    The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
    try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
    your yard.

    48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
    special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

    The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
    resident.

    The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


    The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
    of those brutal toe stubs.

    If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
    form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

    The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
    his slack-ass company somewhere else.

    Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
    and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

    Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
    violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
    little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

    Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
    from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
    records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
    will be forced to evict you and your family."

    Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
    bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"


    Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
    tag and laugh behind your back.

    Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
    the town security expert.

    You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
    telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
    it's really the Earth's fault.

    The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
    Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
    investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
    the sign altogether.

    Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
    drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

    Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
    you'd foot the bill.

    Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
    bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
    shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
    ROFLMAO LOL!!"

    You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
    they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
    acronyms.

    You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
    arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
    and vacate before sunup.

    The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
    land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
    funds.

    The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
    allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
    ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
    playing there.

    Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
    can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
    pedophiles are allowed in.

    The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
    city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

    Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
    DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
    voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

    A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
    patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
    PkZip 2.04g

    Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
    speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
    minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

    Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
    land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
    city.

    Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
    telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.




    Comments

    An AOL Dictionary (abridged)
    by Jim Mica JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU


    AOL America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing
    the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if
    they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh,
    fer crying out loud, uses the service.

    AoL America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The
    service is about to crash...

    AOL (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the
    addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some
    icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the
    electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy
    (identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some
    tired old joke as hot new humor.

    AOL (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited
    access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old
    Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that
    electricity would become so cheap there would be no need
    to meter it! Too much of a good thing?

    AOL Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them
    sitting there trying to get online and not being able
    to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the
    service and installed the software without realizing
    that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you
    to get to the INTERNET?

    AOL Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket!
    Finally the masses are revolting.

    Comments

    Bye Bye to America Online
    [To the tune of "American Pie"]


    A long, long, time ago
    I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
    And I knew if I had the chance
    They could make my modem dance
    with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

    But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
    with every busy they'd deliver.
    Bad news on the front page
    A 19-hour outrage.

    I can't remember if I cried
    when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
    But something touched me deep inside
    The day
    the service
    died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    Did you write the book of TOS
    Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
    If an IM tells you so.

    And will you believe the Motley Fool
    When he tells you that the service rules
    And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

    Well I know you sold the service short
    Cause I saw your quarterly report.

    Steve Case sold off his stock
    It fell just like a rock.

    It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
    As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
    And half their users went away
    the day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    Well for two days we've been on our own
    And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
    But that's not how it used to be

    When the mogul came to Virginia court
    With an OS icon and a browser port
    And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

    And while Jim Clark was looking down
    The mogul stole his thorny crown

    The browser war was turned.
    Mozilla...was spurned.

    And while Steve left users out to bond
    With hosts unable to respond
    6 million newbies all were conned
    the day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    Da Chronic ducked their software guards
    And stole a million credit cards
    To use accounts he'd gotten free.

    And so Steve Case went to the FBI
    and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
    That hackers wanted child pornography *

    But while Steve Case was looking down
    The hackers pulled his e-mail down

    They put it on the net.
    He can't be trusted yet!

    And while user cynicism climbs
    At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
    They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
    the day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
    The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
    Eight million in lawyer's fees.

    But it looks like some attorney jibe
    an hour if they resubscribe.
    To a service marketed for free

    Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
    Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

    "Until we bless the suit
    The settlement is moot."

    "If AOL treats you like the Borg
    Then visit aolsucks.org
    Before some router pulls the cord..."
    the day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
    sold off his home in Tennessee
    And headed for a 4-month end.

    Was he sad or just incensed
    when Case offered him his thirty cents.
    Billing is the devil's only friend.

    But as I read him on the page
    My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

    No "Welcome" born in hell
    could ring that chatroom bell.


    And as chat freaks cried into the night
    CompuServe read their last rites.
    I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
    the day the service died.


    So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
    Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
    And good old geeks are cheering users offline
    Saying this'll be the day that they die.
    This'll be the day that they die.


    I met a girl in Lobby 9
    And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
    But she just frowned and looked away.

    And I went back to the Member Lounge
    To see what loyalty I could scrounge
    But Room Host said the members went away...

    And on the net the modems scream
    At faster speeds and data streams.

    And not a tear was spoken.
    The hourly fees were broken.

    And the three men that I hated most
    Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
    They couldn't dial up the host
    The day the service died.

    Comments

    12 Days of Christmas - AOL style


    On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

    12 reasons to cancel,
    11 channels not working,
    10 hours without mail,
    9 frozen chat rooms,
    8 hours of busy signals,
    7 frozen IMs,
    6 disconnections,
    5 web crashes,
    4 idiots at tech help,
    3 error messages,
    2 pieces of junk mail,
    and a jerk cursing in a chat room.




    Comments

    Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken
    place between help desk people and their customers:

    Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
    document, but the computer won't boot properly."
    Tech Support: "What does it say?"
    Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
    Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
    Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
    hours."
    Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
    Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
    Customer: "Ok."
    Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
    Customer: "No."
    Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
    this point?"
    Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
    getting the same error message."
    Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
    Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
    Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
    Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
    Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
    Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
    Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
    Customer: "What?"
    Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
    Customer "No..."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
    Tech Support: ?@#$

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
    see the 'OK' button displayed?"
    Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
    Customer: "A white one."
    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
    Customer: "How do you spell that?"

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
    Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
    Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
    Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
    Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
    Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
    try a few times, and it will let me through."
    Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
    on the phone with me."
    Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
    Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
    Customer: "Pentium."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

    ---------------------------------
    Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
    Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
    Tech Support: "Well?"
    Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

    ---------------------------------
    Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

    Comments

    Modern Automobile Advances



    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

    "Do you need some help?" I asked.

    She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
    remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
    they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
    battery for this?"

    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

    "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and
    the car keys to me.

    As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
    "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ...
    it's a long walk."




    Comments

    The Ballad of Y2K
    (sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")


    Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
    Of the doom that is our fate.
    That started when programmers used
    Two digits for a date
    Two digits for a date

    RAM memory was smaller then;
    Hard drives were tiny, too.
    "Four digits are extravagant,
    So let's get by with two.
    So let's get by with two."

    "This works through 1999,"
    The programmers did say.
    "Unless we write new code by then
    The data goes away.
    The data goes away."

    But management had not a clue;
    "It works fine now, you bet!
    Rewriting code cost money,
    We won't do it just yet.
    We won't do it just yet."

    Now when 2000 rolls around
    It all goes straight to hell,
    For zero less then ninety-nine,
    As anyone can tell.
    As anyone can tell.

    The mail won't bring your pension check;
    It won't be sent to you
    When you're no longer sixty-eight
    But minus thirty-two.
    But minus thirty-two.

    The problems we're about to face
    Are frightening, for sure.
    And reading every line of code's
    The only certain cure.
    The only certain cure

    [[ key change, the big finish coming]]

    There's not much time, there's too much code,
    And COBOL-coders, few.
    When the century is finished,
    We may be finished, too.
    We may be finished, too.




    Comments

    Bart Uses Google - Computer
    Comments

     From the Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, March 1, 1994.
    
    Reprinted without permission

    AUSTIN, Texas - The exasperated help-line caller said she couldn't get
    her new Dell computer to turn on. Jay Ablinger, a Dell Computer Corp.
    technician, made sure the computer was plugged in and then asked the
    woman what happened when she pushed the power button.

    "I've pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," the
    woman replied. "Foot pedal?" the technician asked. "Yes," the woman
    said, "this little white foot pedal with the on switch." The "foot
    pedal," it turned out, was the computer's mouse, a hand-operated device
    that helps to control the computer's operations.

    [boring stuff deleted]

    Only two years ago, most calls to PC help lines came from techies
    needing help on complex problems. But now, with computer sales to homes
    exploding as new "multimedia" functions gain mass appeal, PC makers say
    that as many as 70% of their calls come from rank novices. Partly
    because of the volume of calls, some computer companies have started
    charging help-line users.

    [boring stuff deleted]

    John Wolf: "A frustrated customer called, who said her brand new Contura
    would not work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in,
    opened it up and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
    happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
    asked, 'What power switch?'"

    Seemingly simple computer features baffle some users. So many people have
    called to ask where the "any" key is when "Press Any Key" flashes on the
    screen that Compaq is considering changing the command to "Press Return Key."

    Some people can't figure out the mouse. Tamra Eagle, an AST technical
    support supervisor, says one customer complained that her mouse was hard
    to control with the "dust cover" on. The cover turned out to be the
    plastic bag the mouse was packaged in. Dell technician Wayne Zieschang
    says one of his customers held the mouse and pointed it at the screen,
    all the while clicking madly. The customer got no response because the
    mouse works only if it's moved over a flat surface.

    Disk drives are another bugaboo. Compaq technician Brent Sullivan says
    a customer was having trouble reading word-processing files from his
    old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to
    diagnose the problem, Mr. Sullivan asked what else was being done with
    the diskette. The customer's response: "I put a label on the diskette,
    roll it into the typewriter..."

    At AST, another customer dutifully complied with a technician's request that
    she send in a copy of a defective floppy disk. A letter from the customer
    arrived a few days later, along with a Xerox copy of the floppy. And at
    Dell, a technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in
    the drive and "close the door." Asking the technician to "hold on," the
    customer put the phone down and was heard walking over to shut the
    door to his room. The technician meant the door to his floppy drive.

    The software inside the computer can be equally befuddling. A Dell
    customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything.
    After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man
    was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor
    screen and hitting the "send" key.

    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so Dell
    echnician Gary Rock referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me
    couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
    software store, the man said, "Oh! I thought you meant for me to find a
    couple of geeks."

    Not realizing how fragile computers can be, some people end up damaging
    parts beyond repair. A Dell customer called to complain that his
    keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it, he said, filling up his
    tub with soap and water and soaking his keyboard for a day, and
    then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

    Computers make some people paranoid. A Dell technician, Morgan Vergara, says
    he once calmed a man who became enraged because "his computer had told him he
    was bad and an invalid." Mr. Vergara patiently explained that the computer's
    "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    These days PC-help technicians increasingly find themselves taking on
    the role of amateur psychologists. Mr. Shuler, the Dell technician, who
    once worked as a psychiatric nurse, says he defused a potential domestic
    fight by soothingly talking a man through a computer problem after the
    man had screamed threats at his wife and children in the background.

    There are also the lonely hearts who seek out human contact, even if it
    happens to be a computer techie. One man from New Hampshire calls Dell
    every time he experiences a life crisis. He gets a technician to walk
    him through some contrived problem with his computer, apparently feeling
    uplifted by the process.
    Comments

    Bill Gates Car - Computer
    Comments

    Bill Gates Reception Room - Computer
    Comments

    >If Bill Gates were killed in a car accident. He might
    find himself being sized up by God.

    "...Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm
    not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
    all, you enormously helped society by putting a
    computer in almost every home in the world, and yet
    you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
    something I've never done before. In your case, I'm
    going to let you decide where you want to go!"

    Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
    between the two?"

    God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
    briefly if it will help you make a decision."

    "Fine, but where should I go first?"

    God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

    Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

    So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy
    beach with clear waters.

    There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
    playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

    The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

    Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
    "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

    "Fine," said God, and off they went.

    Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
    drifting about playing harps and singing.

    It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

    Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his
    decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.

    "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

    So Bill Gates went to Hell.

    Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
    billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

    When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
    wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.

    He was being burned and tortured by demons.

    "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

    Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and
    disappointment, "This is awful; this is NOT what I
    expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
    to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
    women playing in the water?"

    God says, "That was the screen saver."

    Comments

    How is a computer like Britney Spears?

    They're both cheap, white, and plastic.
    Comments

    Computer Bumper Stickers




    1. Home is where you hang your @
    2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
    3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
    4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
    5. Great groups from little icons grow.
    6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
    7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
    8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
    9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
    10. The modem is the message.
    11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
    12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
    13. A chat has nine lives.
    14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
    15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
    16. What boots up must come down.
    17. Windows will never cease.
    18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
    19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
    20. Modulation in all things.
    21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
    22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
    23. Know what to expect before you connect.
    24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
    25. Speed thrills.
    26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
    use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.





    Comments

    Can I Have My Spider Back - Computer
    Comments

    Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

    Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is
    stored.

    Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

    Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
    80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

    Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

    Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files
    and deletes them.

    Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

    Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

    Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

    Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

    Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
    it's there.

    Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
    upon contact.

    HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week
    after week.

    Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
    daughter card.

    NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote
    terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

    Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and
    forwards them to the authorities.

    Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for
    information.

    Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

    Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into
    a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links
    between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and
    compiling results.

    Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear
    to really do much of anything.

    Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

    Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

    George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing
    excess data buildup.

    Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

    Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when
    you're really enjoying it.

    David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a
    while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

    Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

    X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

    Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty
    desktop.

    AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you
    are getting.

    Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
    be back.
    Comments

    Chalk Board - Computer
    Comments

    Chat Pinocchio - Computer
    Comments

    This page used to have a funny image on it. Later on, it was converted to a little forum. Please read on and contribute.

    Leave your phone numbers, where you are from, your email address, etc. and have a good time here.

    Comments




    COBOL Cruddy Obsolete Boring Old Language
    BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
    EMACS Escape Meta Alt Control ShiftEight Megs And Continually Swapping
    ISDN It Still Does Nothing
    JPEG Joyful Pictures of Exposed Genitals
    MPEG Motion Prediction by Educated Guessing
    SCSI System Can't See It
    DOS Defunct Operating System
    IBM I Blame Microsoft
    DEC Do Expect Cuts
    CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
    OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
    WWW World Wide Wait
    APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
    MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
    PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
    Comments

    Computer Better Than Everything - Computer
    Comments

    Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
    (o)(o) perfect breasts
    ( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
    (*)(*) high nipple breasts
    (@)(@) big nipple breasts
    o o a cups
    { O }{ O } d cups
    (oYo) wonder bra breasts
    ( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
    (o)(O) lopsided breasts
    (Q)(O) pierced breasts
    (p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
    \o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
    ( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
    |oo| android breasts
    Comments

    What did one computer say to the other?

    010101101010101010101
    Comments

    One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
    His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that
    can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

    ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
    your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
    $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
    urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
    poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
    making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
    pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have
    tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It
    will be better in two weeks."

    Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
    and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
    this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a
    stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
    daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went
    back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and
    deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed
    out the following message:

    "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
    Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
    rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
    aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
    tennis elbow will never get better."
    Comments

    The Computercist
    By Ian Wolff


    Although rare, computer possessions have lately been recorded at an
    increasingly alarming rate. However, to date, the most celebrated case
    of (documented) computer possession took place on the evening of June
    23rd, 1997, in the small upscale town of Menlo Park, CA. For the sake
    of the victim and his family he is referred to in the following case
    file simply as 'Tad.'

    (Case #27-198TAD Monday, Oct 23rd, 1997... 6:42pm)

    "I'm so glad you're here," said the beleaguered looking middle aged
    woman as she ushered the two gentlemen callers into her living room and
    bade them sit, "I'll just be a moment," she continued, hastening into
    the kitchen and returning with three steaming mugs of freshly brewed
    coffee.

    "Tell me what you can, Miss Snyder, I'd like to get started as soon as
    possible." Said Jacob, the more elderly of the two gentlemen.

    "It all started last night," she began, "Tad, that's my son's name,
    Tad. Tad had been locked away in his room for the past three weeks, I
    thought he was just studying hard since his finals were coming up and
    all, so I left him alone. Until last night, that is, that's when I
    entered his room and..." she began to tremble, tears rolled down her
    cheeks and she dropped her coffee mug to the floor with a crash.

    Karrass, the younger of the two gentlemen, leapt to her aid. "There,
    there," he said, holding her tight and patting her on the back,
    "everything will be all right

    Jacob arose from the couch and taking the large black suitcase in hand,
    caught Karrass's gaze and motioned him towards the stairs. "It's time,"
    he whispered, "come along now."

    They climbed the stairs quickly and Karrass reached for the boy's
    bedroom door. "Stop!" hissed Jacob, "there are a few things we have to
    get straight first. Number one, you'll have to keep IT busy while I
    install a surge protector."

    "A surge protector?"

    "Yes, trust me. If the power goes, so goes the boy. It happened to me
    once before and I'm still paying for it. Not the child, the computer.
    "Do you know how much a fully loaded Compaq Impresario costs!" Her
    father kept screaming in my face. Meanwhile his daughter's soul had
    just been sucked into cyberhell. It was very sad, not to mention
    expensive."

    "Gotcha, I'll keep it busy while you install the surge protector.
    Anything else?"

    "Yes, whatever you do, don't listen to it. It will try and make you
    angry. It will lie, twist your words, show you unflattering pictures of
    your loved ones on its monitor and tell you that your mother's in it's
    nudie files. Do NOT believe IT! Well, unless of course..."

    "NO," shrieked Karrass, "she couldn't be!"

    "Fine then, are you ready?" Karrass nodded in the affirmative and the
    two men entered the room. It was worse than Jacob had expected and
    nearly more than Karrass could take in.

    The boy lay prostrate upon the bed, a 56k modem was attached to the left
    side of his abdominal region, while several wires leading from multiple
    outlets looked to have installed themselves throughout every orifice the
    boy owned. It seemed to Karrass as if the boy and the computer had
    become one. The room stank of burnt wires and singed pubic hair. The
    walls were awash with downloaded girlie pictures and more pornography,
    thought Jacob, than a Larry Flynt archive. "I wonder what type of
    finals he was preparing for," whispered Karrass.

    Suddenly the monitor sprang to life and the hiss of the speakers filled
    the room. "Nice day for a computercism," came the deep croaking voice,
    "we've been expecting you."

    Karrass pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down, he took the
    keyboard and placing it on his lap, typed "who are you?"

    "You have mail!" Blasted the speakers, followed by a wicked giggle.
    "Never mind who I am," it continued, "I'm not giving up the boy and
    that's all you need to know, Karrass. That is your name isn't it? And
    stop typing, I can hear you just fine, I'm wired to the little pinhead's
    eardrums."

    "What should we call you?" Asked Jacob, while covertly slipping the
    surge protector from the suitcase. "If I tell you," came the voice and
    this time from the boy's own lips, "I'll have to kill you. But if you
    must know, It's Mort."

    "MORT?" Chimed the two men.

    "Hey, you asked."

    "Do you know why we are here, Mort?" Asked Jacob, while installing the
    surge protector. "I know why you THINK you're here," it responded, "but
    you're terribly mistaken, the NERD IS MINE!!" Came another blast from
    the speakers, this time causing both men to cover their ears. Jacob
    pulled a pair of wire cutters from the bag and snipped the speaker
    wires. "Very sneaky," it said, now from the boy's mouth. "Hey Karrass,
    look what your father's been up to."

    Karrass gazed at the monitor, there, in full color, was his very own
    father, dressed in a white teddy, a flowing pink negligee, and six-inch
    spiked black heels.

    "That's not my father!" Screamed Karrass.

    "Karrass!" Shouted Jacob, "what did I tell you!" Karrass sat
    motionless, unable to peel his gaze from the hideous picture. Jacob
    pulled a shirt from the closet and draped it over the monitor.
    "Karrass," he said, taking the man by the shoulders and shaking him
    violently, "snap out of it."

    Karrass gazed up at Jacob, his face drained of color, "did you see it,
    Jacob?"

    "Yes, it was horrible, but I warned you that might happen. Besides, it
    could have been worse, it could have been MY father. Actually the
    negligee seemed to fit quite well and as for the..."

    "Stop," Karrass interrupted, while placing both hands to his stomach,
    "no more, please."

    Jacob brought Karrass a glass of water from the connecting bathroom and
    delved into his bag, it was time to stop playing, he thought, and get
    down to some serious work. He removed a small vile labeled 'Bill Gate's
    saliva' and popped the cap. "Be gone from this child of the Internet!"
    He shouted, while flicking some of the vile's contents across the boy's
    body, the monitor, keyboard and modem.

    "AHHHHH It burns, it burns!" Screamed the unholy and writhing
    assemblage. "Your mothers on my hard-drive Jacob!" It shrieked,
    spitting a stream of keyboard cleaning solution into Jacob's face.

    Jacob continued, undaunted. "You will leave this nerd now! You will
    return this computer geek now! By the almighty text of HTML, so be it
    written, so be you confused by it, and all things computerized
    accordingly shall confuse you...!"

    "Stop!" Howled the beast, it's wires now sparking and sending a bluish
    smoke into the air. "The monitor turned completely around on it's axis,
    several floppy discs began flying about the room, one hitting Karrass
    squarely in the crotch, causing him to drop to the floor in agony.

    Jacob strove on, "Bill Gates compels you! Steve Wozniak compels you!
    Steve Jobs compels you!" With each incantation he thrust another
    sprinkling of saliva upon the beast. "Henry Ford compels you!"

    "He made cars," moaned a still agonizing Karrass.

    "Oh right, sorry, I've been meaning to delete that. Be gone from this
    boy you demon!" It was working, the wires began detaching themselves
    from the boy. "Jacob!" shouted an excited Karrass, "it's working! Read
    from Genesis, Jacob. Genesis!"

    Jacob flipped to the front of the book and began reading. "In the
    beginning there was a garage, and Steve and Steve saw the garage, and
    they liked it, saying 'this is a good garage. 'DAMN!" He suddenly
    blurted, throwing the vile across the room. "What is it?" Asked
    Karrass. "No more saliva," replied Jacob. "This happens every time he
    continued, while feverishly digging through the suitcase, "that's the
    trouble with billionaires, they can't produce enough saliva because they
    have nothing to salivate for!"

    Suddenly the boy sat up and thrust the mouse in Jacob's face, "click me,
    click me, click me," it repeated in a hideous croak, "click me!" Jacob
    pushed the mouse away and pulling a floppy disk from his bag, held it
    before the boy's eyes. The boy immediately recoiled and began to
    whimper, "please don't," it pleaded. "Not a virus, please. I'll be
    good, I promise, I'll give you fifteen free hours and unlimited access
    to Catholic Nymphos?"

    Jacob handed the disc to Karrass and ordered him to load it. Then
    turning back to the beast, he fixed it with a steely glare and with a
    twinkle in his eye shouted "fax you and the mouse you clicked in on!"

    The two men stepped back as the virus began spreading like poison
    throughout the beast. Random pictures began flashing across the
    monitor, Newt Gingrich, Keith Richards, Cool Whip, The official Vaseline
    page.

    "Oh there's a pretty picture," whispered Jacob, while Karrass clutched
    at his already overtaxed stomach. Suddenly the room fell silent, the
    monitor went black and a thick blue smoke began streaming from the boy's
    ears. "It's over," said Jacob, wiping the sweat from his brow. Karrass
    approached the bed and leaned over the boy, "Tad?" He whispered. The
    boy's eyes opened, "who are you?" He asked, "and where's my mother?"

    Meanwhile....

    Little Kathy dashed through her front door and ran straight away into
    her bedroom. Life in little Ackle, New Zealand, had always been rather
    boring, she thought, that is until her parents had recently given in and
    bought her a brand new computer. She booted up the system and watched
    as the pretty colors and 'way cool' graphics danced before her eyes.
    "You have Mail!" Hissed the speakers. "Wow, cool!" She squealed, while
    leaning forward to read the name upon her screen. "How totally weird,"
    she whispered, while clicking to open the file, "I don't know anyone
    named Mort."

    Comments

    A computer geek loved a girl who studies computer science.

    He sent a letter, saying:

    I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true ...

    You installed the best in me.

    Your picture is always in my background.

    You clicked my heart gently.

    You drive me crazy when I see you.

    Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in me.

    You restored my kindness after I thought it was corrupted.

    I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart beat per second.

    You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.

    You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my
    emotions at the same time.

    I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.

    I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open
    my windows waiting for you to pass.

    You are the only one that can log into my heart and never log out.

    I dream of being your only server as long as I live.

    You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each
    others.

    I see your name everywhere, my front page, my homepage and all my
    software.

    I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you.

    You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do?

    Believe me it is true...

    I love you more than my CPU!!!!
    Comments

    Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine
    gender because:
    1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
    2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
    they are the problem.
    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
    little longer you could have had a better model.
    Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine
    gender because:
    1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
    incomprehensible to everyone else.
    3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
    retrieval.
    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
    half your paycheck on accessories for it.
    Comments

    What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

    A Fucking-Know-It-All.
    Comments

    A computer flashed a message to its user:

    "I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they
    may!"
    Comments

    Computer Keyboard Eraser - Computer
    Comments

    So you think you're computer-illiterate ?



    1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
    "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
    "Any" key is.

    2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
    hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
    be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

    3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
    that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
    diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
    diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the
    diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

    4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

    5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
    back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech
    to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
    crossing the room to close the door to his room.

    6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
    to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
    technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
    by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
    key.

    7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
    Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
    couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
    software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to
    find a couple of geeks."

    8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
    longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
    and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
    keys and washing them individually.

    9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
    because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
    tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
    responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
    her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
    plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
    the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
    pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
    computer's mouse.

    11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
    computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
    in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
    When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
    asked "What power switch?"

    12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

    Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
    warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

    Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

    Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because
    I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
    trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
    trademark on it?"

    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
    promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

    At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
    couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of
    the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.


    Comments

    Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

    A: It says ''byte me'''
    Comments

    You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than
    phone numbers!
    Comments

    Dear God,

    Help me log on without fretting
    Guide me, as I am interneting
    Bless my downloading and uploading
    Keep my browser from exploding
    May my website be protected?
    Let not my password be rejected
    Keep my line always connected
    And all my inputs be accepted
    Please keep my entire program alive
    And to remember to back up my hard drive
    And protect my computer from crashing drive,
    From a virus that would make it nesting hive

    Amen

    Comments

    Computer Terminology - Computer
    # ANALOG: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.
    # BACKUP: Opposite of go forward
    # BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
    # BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
    # BIT: 12-1/2 cents
    # BRANCH: If watered, it will grow into a computer club (see computer club)
    # BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
    # BUG: 1. Programmer's term for a feature. 2. An elusive creature living in a program which
    makes it incorrect. Note: The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends
    when a programmer gets tired of doing it, not when all the bugs are removed
    # CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor
    space
    # COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
    # COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
    # CODING: An addictive drug
    # COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
    # COMPILER: Noah Webster (1758-1843)
    # CONSOLE: What one does to a "down" computer
    # CURSOR: An expert in 4-letter words
    # DUMP: A system programmer's work area
    # FEATURE: Hardware limitation as described by a marketing representative
    # HARDWARE: The parts of a computer which can be kicked
    # KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
    # LANGUAGE: A system of organizing and defining error messages
    # LOOP: See loop
    # MACHINE-INDEPENDENT PROGRAM: A program which will not run on any machine
    # MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
    # NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
    # ONLINE: The idea that a human should always be accessible
    # PASSWORD: The nonsense word taped to your terminal
    Comments

    How is a computer like an air conditioner?

    When you open Windows it won't work!
    Comments

    A Conversation Between Moses and G-d


    "Excuse me, Sir."


    "Is that you again, Moses?"


    "I'm afraid it is, Sir."


    "What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"


    "How did you guess?"


    "I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"


    "Oh, yeah. I forgot."


    "Tell me what you want, Moses."


    "But you already know. Remember?"


    "Moses!"


    "Sorry, sir."


    "Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"


    "Well, I have a question, sir. You know those ten things
    you sent me."


    "You mean the commandments, Moses?"


    "That's it. I was wondering if they were important."


    "What do you mean WERE important, Moses? Of course, they ARE
    important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."


    "Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,
    but of course you would see right through that."


    "What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me
    you didn't save them, Moses?"


    "No, sir. I forgot. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send
    them to some people before I lost them though. "


    "And did you hear back from any of them?"


    "You already know I did."


    "What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.
    Can he change the words a little bit?"


    "Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning."


    "And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little
    harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or
    letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"


    "Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."


    "I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I
    was scamming him?"


    "I think that is spamming, Moses."


    "Oh, yeah. I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat
    that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone
    through a computer."


    "And what he did say?"


    "You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't
    think he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's
    the reason I lost those ten things, do you?"


    "They're called viruses, Moses."


    "Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can
    we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my
    back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never
    lost them."


    "We'll do it the new way, Moses."


    "I was afraid you would say that, sir."


    "Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"


    "You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the
    computer."


    "It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"


    "No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all,
    who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like
    your hours. By the way, sir, did Noah have two of these mice
    on the ark?"


    "No, Moses."


    "One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,
    because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"


    "I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog
    if you want to."


    "Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, sir? I bet some
    woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, wasn't it a woman
    who named one of the computers Apple?"


    "Say good night, Moses."


    "Wait a minute, sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems to
    be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."


    "Which ones are they, Moses?"


    "Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and
    'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'


    "Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of
    stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"




    Comments

    Ctrl Alt Delete - Computer
    Comments



    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
    Comments

    Customers Do The Strangest Things
    From ComputerWorld

    Ontrack Data Recovery in Eden Prairie, Minn., specializes in recovering
    data from hard drives damaged by natural or man-made disasters. Here are
    a few true stories from Ontrack's files:

    - One customer guessed that maybe his hard drive didn't work because it
    had been "sitting in a snowdrift by the barn for a while."

    - Another customer, concerned that he would void the warranty if he
    disassembled the hard drive by removing the screws, used a hack saw
    instead.

    - An Ontrack representative told a customer to pack his hard drive in
    peanuts for protection during shipping. The drive arrived the next day
    packed in salted peanuts - instead of foam peanuts.

    - Another drive arrived smelling fresh & clean, wrapped in Bounce fabric
    softener sheets. The customer had been told to pack it with antistatic
    material before shipping.

    Comments

    Cyber Date - Computer
    Comments

    July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
    the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk!
    I'd better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
    can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

    July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
    modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
    think I am?

    July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
    wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

    July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
    next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

    July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
    Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
    says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
    he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
    who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
    software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
    holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
    have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
    jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are
    modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

    July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
    this internet thing. I'm confused.

    July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
    America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he
    is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

    July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
    but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

    July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
    connected to America Online not usenet.

    July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
    How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
    Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

    JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
    ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
    THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
    CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
    THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
    DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
    IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
    TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

    AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
    CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS
    ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

    AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
    JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
    HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

    AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
    GREW THAT LARGE.

    AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
    RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
    REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
    TIMES.

    AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO
    USE PROFANITY.

    AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
    WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
    HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

    August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it?
    Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

    August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
    I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
    it to every newsgroup I could find.

    August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
    will have to work on it some more.

    August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
    posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
    earth. I wonder what an aol is.

    August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about
    something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
    but I can't find that group.

    August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
    where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask
    the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
    he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
    wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
    don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
    they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
    of the joke and they used bad words.

    August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
    asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include
    my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will
    want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
    short story I like.

    August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing.
    I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.









    Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999



    Comments

    Drag and Drop - Computer
    Comments


    The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

    Dear Mr. Dvorak:

    Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have
    to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me
    try and explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good,
    normal ten-year-old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to
    select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures.
    There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the
    campfire -- you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for
    weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in
    Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's
    where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted
    pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a
    brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP! We should have
    put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three
    weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't explain
    it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.


    Dear Mom,
    The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the
    only good part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the
    best time to program, so they let us stay up.
    Love, Billy.

    Dear Mom,
    Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night.
    We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By
    the way, can you make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta
    go, it's time for the flowchart class.
    Love, Billy.
    P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
    spell-checked too.


    Dear Mom,
    Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by
    the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have
    much of a tan 'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the
    computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last
    year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
    Love, Billy.


    Dear Mom,
    I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best
    camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was
    real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you
    send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank
    diskettes. I've got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that
    you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.
    Love, Billy.


    Dear Mother,
    Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay.
    Sorry I haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at
    getting onto any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into
    the university's in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five,
    he's going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really
    smart. He says that I shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
    Signed, William.


    Dear Mother,
    How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset?
    I haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody
    wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is
    cool. I thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made
    some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway,
    I've paid for the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late
    August.
    Regards, William.


    Mother,
    Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten
    years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again.
    Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau,
    and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again
    and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal
    communication drain me.
    Sincerely, William.



    See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little
    boy. What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to
    save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save
    JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.
    Thank you very much.

    Sally Gates, Concerned Parent

    Comments

    You know you are an e-mail addict when...




    1) You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

    2) You get a tattoo that reads "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 2.0 or higher."

    3) You name your children Eudora, Mozillia and Dotcom.

    4) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    5) You spend half the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

    6) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

    7) You laugh at people with 9600-baud modems.




    8) You start using smilies in snail mail.

    9) Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISP's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem .... and you succeed.

    10) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

    11) You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading."

    12) You start introducing yourself as "JohnDoe at AOL dot com."

    13) Your cat has its own home page.

    14) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

    15) You can't call your mother .... she doesn't have a modem.

    16) You check your e-mail. It says "No new messages." So you check it again.

    17) Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

    18) You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

    19) You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.Madison.ridge/house/brick.html"

    20) You get up at 4:45 am and login so you can use the computer before your husband gets up and hogs it for the rest of the day!

    Comments

    Eating Mouse - Computer
    Comments

    Ebay User with Lowest Feedback Score - Computer
    Comments

    Comments

    Email From Heaven - Computer
    Comments


    Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to
    be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's
    somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an
    engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

    Engineer Identification Test

    You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging
    crooked. You...

    A. Straighten it.
    B. Ignore it.
    C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

    The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to
    anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or
    simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

    Social Skills

    Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social
    interaction.

    "Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic
    things from social interaction:


    Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
    Important social contacts
    A feeling of connectedness with other humans


    In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational
    objectives for social interactions:


    Get it over with as soon as possible.
    Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
    Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.


    Fascination with Gadgets

    To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed
    into one of two categories:


    Things that need to be fixed, and
    Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.


    Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems
    handily available, they will create their own problems.
    Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe
    that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that
    if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

    No engineer looks at a television remote control without
    wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No
    engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of
    Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the
    engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and
    feature-poor toys.

    Fashion and Appearance

    Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming
    the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been
    satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together,
    and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in
    plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.
    Anything else is a waste.

    Dating and Social Life

    Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will
    employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a
    false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable
    of placing appearance above function.

    Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are
    widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent,
    dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house.
    While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to
    date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire
    to mate with them, thus producing engineerlike children who
    will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

    Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness
    later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos
    in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these
    examples of sexually irresistible men in technical
    professions:


    Bill Gates.
    MacGyver.
    Etcetera.


    Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent
    and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their
    clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

    Honesty

    Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and
    human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep
    engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other
    people who can't handle the truth.

    Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say
    things that sound like lies but technically are not because
    nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list
    of engineer lies is listed below.


    "I won't change anything without asking you first."
    "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
    "I have to have new equipment to do my job."
    "I'm not jealous of your new computer."


    Frugality

    Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of
    cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending
    situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How
    can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest
    amount of cash?"

    Powers of Concentration

    If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is
    the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete
    exclusion of everything else in the environment. This
    sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.
    Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking
    resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree
    in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming
    is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he
    or she snaps out of it.

    Risk

    Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they
    can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer
    makes one little mistake the media will treat it like it's a
    big deal or something.

    Examples of Bad Press for Engineers


    Hindenberg.
    Space Shuttle Challenger.
    SPANet(tm)
    Hubble space telescope.
    Apollo 13.
    Titanic.
    Ford Pinto.
    Corvair.


    The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something
    like this:

    RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
    REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

    Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of
    risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing.
    The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity
    is technically impossible for reasons that are far too
    complicated to explain.

    If that approach is not sufficient to halt the project, then
    the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense:
    "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

    Ego

    Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:

    How smart they are.
    How many cool devices they own.


    The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to
    declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk
    away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness
    or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case.
    These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle
    between the engineer and the laws of nature.

    Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve
    a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when
    they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an
    ego rush that is better than sex -- and I'm including the
    kind of sex where other people are involved.

    Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the
    suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal
    people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract
    more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that
    something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not
    fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance
    at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say
    something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out.
    He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

    At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not
    stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer
    will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork
    chop.









    Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999



    Comments

    The Evil Side of Television
    by Joe Lavin


    This is the story of my nineteen inch television and how I tried to
    ship it from California to Massachusetts. Brace yourself. It is not a
    happy story. I tell this story so that others may learn from my
    mistake. Never -- I repeat -- never try to ship a nineteen inch
    television.

    Problem #1 -- I wake up that day and realize I need a box. That's no
    problem at all, I think. I head to the Box Depot, a store that
    features not only many boxes but also a rodent-like dog who insists on
    attacking my friend repeatedly. Suffice it to say that their slogan
    seems to be, "Sparky!!!! No bite!" I eventually get a twenty-four inch
    cube. My friend eventually gets out alive. I also buy packing supplies
    -- $9 worth of little white peanuts or, as they soon will be called,
    little white minions of Satan.

    Problem #2 -- At first, it looks like there won't be a second problem
    and that everyone in the world will live happily ever after. I put
    the television in the box, drop in hundreds of the little minions,
    seal it up, and bring it to my car. All runs smoothly until . . .

    Well, the box doesn't fit in the car. I understand that it doesn't fit
    in the trunk. As I look at the trunk, I realize I could never get away
    with murder because I wouldn't be able to fit the body in the trunk.
    Practically nothing fits in the trunk, but somehow I just can't
    believe that the box won't fit in the back seat. I realize that my
    unscientific measurement of the car door earlier in the day really
    should have been far more scientific.

    Problem #3 -- I call a few shipping companies to see if they'll pick
    it up. However, the shipping fees they want to charge are slightly
    more than the value of the television, which is several years old and
    often has to be unplugged to be turned off.

    Luckily, without the box, the television will fit in the back seat.
    Our new plan is to pack it outside the UPS building. We remove the
    television from the box and put it in the back seat, which of course
    causes millions of the little white minions of Satan to go flying onto
    the ground. It takes about fifteen miserable minutes to pick up the $9
    of white things. Eventually, we collect them all, fold up the box,
    throw it in with the television, and are on the road ready for . . .

    Problem #4 -- UPS is in the ghetto. Well, not exactly. There are worse
    sections of Los Angeles, but there are so many more that are nicer. My
    computer is also in the car, and I grit my teeth as I drive my most
    valuable possessions through this neighborhood. Red lights last for
    eternity.

    Problem #5 -- Can you believe it? I am running out of the god damn
    white things. Initially, I had more than I could comprehend, but
    somehow many have escaped through the time-space continuum into a
    parallel white things universe. After we pack the television in the
    parking lot, there is now a gaping space at the top of the box.

    UPS closes in a few minutes, and I have to leave the next day. I must
    do something. I search frantically through my car for stuff to put in
    the box so that the television won't rattle. I find some towels. I
    find a plastic container of water. I empty what's left of the
    container and throw it in the box along with the towels. I feel like a
    damn fool, but the box really doesn't look that bad. At least, that's
    what I keep telling myself. It almost looks like everything might work
    out until of course I come across . . .

    Problem #6 -- UPS Guy: "I see this isn't the original box."

    Me: "Um."

    UPS Guy: "I have to open it."

    Me: "No!!!"

    UPS Guy: "What?"

    Me: "I mean, you don't really need to do that. I mean, it's fine the
    way it is. Um, right?"

    UPS Guy: "I'm sorry. I have to see if it's packed properly."

    Me: "No, please!"

    That, of course, is the end. The first thing he sees is the empty
    water container. A few drops of water drip out as he picks it up.

    "It has to be in its original box or packed professionally." He says.

    "But it's --" Well, it hasn't been packed professionally, and I know
    it. Frankly, being called a mere amateur in the field of packing
    stings. I explain how I had been told by UPS that I didn't need the
    original box, but he doesn't care. He just shrugs and tells me that
    he can't take the box.

    It would be one thing if I could blame him for being rude or nasty,
    but I can't. He is perfectly nice and listens patiently as I vent my
    anger. He nods frequently and even apologizes occasionally. He seems
    to be a wonderful person. I hate him. I am not thinking rationally.
    Just to be a pain in the ass, I insist that he seal the box up again.
    I return to my car and of course . . .

    Problem #7 -- Well, the box still doesn't fit in my car. So there I am
    with my wonderfully patient friend in this dark, lousy neighborhood,
    looking at a giant box that won't fit in my car. That's when I decide
    just to leave the stupid television in the parking lot and drive away.


    Well, that would be the perfect ending, but I don't have quite enough
    guts to do that. Instead, we unseal the box, take the television out,
    and put it in the back seat. And of course, the white minions of Satan
    go flying all over the UPS parking lot. Somehow, all the ones I lost
    before mysteriously reappear. A few hundred more from that parallel
    universe seem to have joined them. I'd like to leave them there, but a
    security guard is giving me a dirty look. And so we spend the next ten
    minutes again picking up white things off the ground and throwing them
    into my trunk.

    There is a happy ending, sort of. The television eventually made it to
    Massachusetts. On my drive across country, I put it in the back seat
    and drove it through San Francisco, Las Vegas, Denver, Kansas City,
    St. Louis, Chicago, Columbus, Harrisburg, and into New England.

    Here's the strange part. Remember how I said the television wouldn't
    always turn off. Well, now that it's been loaded in and out of my car
    dozens of times, carried up the steps of several hotels, driven across
    the bumps of fourteen states, and cursed at more times than I can
    remember, it no longer has this problem. Yes, now that I hate my
    television and never want to see it ever again, it works just
    perfectly.

    Go figure.

    __________
    Copyright 1998 by Joe Lavin




    Comments

    Evolution of Product Documentation


    Most documentation starts as hastily scrawled notes from
    sleep-deprived developers who weren't necessarily hired for their
    keen communication skills. Those notes are then fleshed out by
    recently graduated English majors who have spent their last four
    years immersed in works of fiction. The results are then passed on
    to the marketing department whose job it is to make sure that no word
    or phrase will reflect unfavorably on the product ("I don't think
    that the word 'Basic' properly communicates the exciting nature of
    the product. Why don't we call it 'Visual Zesty?!'"). It is then
    beset by lawyers who finish the job by making sure that they haven't
    explicitly promised that the product will actually do anything. By
    the time the documentation gets into your hands, it has been so
    sanitized for your protection and generalized beyond recognition that
    you usually have to go out and buy a 3rd-party manual (that was, more
    likely than not, written by the same non-technical technical writer
    who wrote the original documentation) in a vain attempt to get an
    unbiased, unexpurgated, and unfiltered view of just how you're really
    supposed to use the stuff.


    -Introduction
    About The "@ Novell" Series
    November 3, 1998

    Comments

    The Evolution of a Programmer- read to the end ...

    High School/Jr.High

    10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
    20 END


    First year in College

    program Hello(input, output)
    begin
    writeln('Hello World')
    end.


    Senior year in College

    (defun hello
    (print
    (cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


    New professional

    #include
    void main(void)
    {
    char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
    int i;

    for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
    printf("%s", message[i]);
    printf("\n");
    }


    Seasoned professional

    #include
    #include

    class string
    {
    private:
    int size;
    char *ptr;

    public:
    string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}


    string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
    {
    ptr = new char[size + 1];
    strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
    }

    ~string()
    {
    delete [] ptr;
    }

    friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &,
    const string &);
    string &operator=(const char *);
    };

    ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const
    string &s)
    {
    return(stream << s.ptr);
    }

    string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
    {
    if (this != &chrs)
    {
    delete [] ptr;
    size = strlen(chrs);
    ptr = new char[size + 1];
    strcpy(ptr, chrs);
    }
    return(*this);
    }

    int main()
    {
    string str;

    str = "Hello World";
    cout << str << endl;

    return(0);
    }


    Master Programmer

    [
    uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
    ]
    library LHello
    {
    // bring in the master library
    importlib("actimp.tlb");
    importlib("actexp.tlb");

    // bring in my interfaces
    #include "pshlo.idl"

    [

    uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
    ]
    cotype THello
    {
    interface IHello;
    interface IPersistFile;
    };
    };

    [
    exe,
    uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
    ]
    module CHelloLib
    {

    // some code related header files
    importheader();
    importheader();
    importheader();
    importheader("pshlo.h");
    importheader("shlo.hxx");
    importheader("mycls.hxx");

    // needed typelibs
    importlib("actimp.tlb");
    importlib("actexp.tlb");
    importlib("thlo.tlb");

    [
    uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
    aggregatable
    ]
    coclass CHello
    {
    cotype THello;
    };
    };

    #include "ipfix.hxx"

    extern HANDLE hEvent;

    class CHello : public CHelloBase
    {
    public:
    IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

    CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
    ~CHello();

    HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR
    pwszString);

    private:
    static int cObjRef;
    };

    #include
    #include
    #include
    #include
    #include "thlo.h"
    #include "pshlo.h"
    #include "shlo.hxx"
    #include "mycls.hxx"

    int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

    CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) :
    CHelloBase(pUnk)
    {
    cObjRef++;
    return;
    }

    HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR
    pwszString)
    {
    printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
    return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
    }

    CHello::~CHello(void)
    {

    // when the object count goes to zero, stop
    the server
    cObjRef--;
    if( cObjRef == 0 )
    PulseEvent(hEvent);

    return;
    }

    #include
    #include
    #include "pshlo.h"
    #include "shlo.hxx"
    #include "mycls.hxx"

    HANDLE hEvent;

    int _cdecl main(
    int argc,
    char * argv[]
    ) {
    ULONG ulRef;
    DWORD dwRegistration;
    CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

    hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE,
    NULL);

    // Initialize the OLE libraries
    CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

    CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF,
    CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
    REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

    // wait on an event to stop
    WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

    // revoke and release the class object
    CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
    ulRef = pCF->Release();

    // Tell OLE we are going away.
    CoUninitialize();

    return(0);
    }

    extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
    extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

    CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /*
    2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
    0x2573F891,
    0xCFEE,
    0x101A,
    { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34,
    0x28, 0x20 }
    };

    UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /*
    2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
    0x2573F890,
    0xCFEE,
    0x101A,
    { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34,
    0x28, 0x20 }
    };

    #include
    #include
    #include
    #include
    #include
    #include "pshlo.h"
    #include "shlo.hxx"
    #include "clsid.h"

    int _cdecl main(
    int argc,
    char * argv[]
    ) {
    HRESULT hRslt;
    IHello *pHello;
    ULONG ulCnt;
    IMoniker * pmk;
    WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
    WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

    // get object path
    wcsPath[0] = '\0';
    wcsT[0] = '\0';
    if( argc > 1) {
    mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1],
    strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
    wcsupr(wcsPath);
    }
    else {
    fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be
    specified\n");
    return(1);
    }

    // get print string
    if(argc > 2)
    mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2])
    + 1);
    else
    wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

    printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
    printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

    // Initialize the OLE libraries
    hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL,
    COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

    hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath,
    &pmk);
    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
    hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello,
    (void **)&pHello);

    if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

    // print a string out
    pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

    Sleep(2000);
    ulCnt = pHello->Release();
    }
    else
    printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx",
    hRslt);

    // Tell OLE we are going away.
    CoUninitialize();
    }

    return(0);
    }


    Apprentice Hacker

    #!/usr/local/bin/perl
    $msg="Hello, world.\n";
    if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
    while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
    $outfilename = $arg;
    open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die
    "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
    print (FILE $msg);
    close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg:
    $!\n";
    }
    } else {
    print ($msg);
    }
    1;


    Experienced Hacker

    #include
    #define S "Hello, World\n"
    main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 :
    1);}


    Seasoned Hacker

    % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
    % a.out


    Guru Hacker

    % cat
    Hello, world.
    ^D


    New Manager

    10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
    20 END


    Middle Manager

    mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
    Bob, could you please write me a program
    that prints "Hello, world."?
    I need it by tomorrow.
    ^D


    Senior Manager

    % zmail jim
    I need a "Hello, world." program by this
    afternoon.


    Chief Executive

    % letter
    letter: Command not found.
    % mail
    To: ^X ^F ^C
    % help mail
    help: Command not found.
    % damn!
    !: Event unrecognized
    % logout

    Comments

    Extend Deadline - Computer
    Comments

    Why We Should Feel Sorry for Tech Support People



    A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
    The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then
    responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point.
    The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is
    working fine."


    Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
    same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
    type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
    Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
    Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "What do you mean?"
    Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
    Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


    Overheard in a computer shop:
    Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
    Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
    Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


    I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back
    to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


    Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


    I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start
    something like this:
    Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

    Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to
    "The Internet."

    Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
    Tech Support: "Yeah."
    Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
    Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


    Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon."
    Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons --
    I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons."
    Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe
    it was meant to --"
    Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in
    icons."
    Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a
    file cabinet...is 'little picture' OK?"
    Customer: [click]


    Customer: "My computer crashed!"
    Tech Support: "It crashed?"
    Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
    Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
    Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
    Tech Support: "Huh?"
    Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my
    spaceship and now it doesn't work."
    Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
    Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"




    Comments

    First Appointment - Computer
    Comments

    Who invented the first computer in Biblical Times?

    Eve -- she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other!
    Comments

    Flame Response Form


    If you are part of any public listervs - which are public discussion
    group - you are all too aware of the craziness of being part of
    such as group: Threads (Continuing Discussions) which last a lifetime,
    insanely boorish comments and the all too common trite replies
    "I agree"

    Well there is now a standard reply form for FLAMING
    (listed under the government e-mail paperwork reduction act)
    For those unfamiliar with the term, flaming is the immediate
    and often irrational response to emails that annoy you.
    They can be sent to individual on public listervs -
    where people mouth off their opinions.

    PS. If you are new to the web, read carefully to avoid
    being flamed yourself.

    This is a bit long, but you have all weekend

    Enjoy,
    Eric, JokeMaster

    Dear:

    [ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus
    [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] twerp [ ] comrade
    [ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Babe
    [ ] Geek [ ] Boob [ ] Communist
    [ ] Republican [ ] Democrat [ ] Liberal [ ] Conservative
    [ ] Other ( )

    You are being gently flamed because.

    --------------------
    GENERAL
    --------------------
    [ ] you SCREAMED! (used all caps)
    [ ] you posted the inanely stupid 'Make Money Fast' article
    [ ] you posted the inanely stupid '$250 Cookie Recipe' article
    [ ] you posted an inanely stupid magic weight-loss article
    [ ] you posted an inanely stupid cheap s**t at high prices article
    [ ] you posted an inanely stupid 'Fix Your Credit' article
    [ ] you posted an inanely stupid "Good Time Virus" warning.
    [ ] you repeatedly have shown lack of humor
    [ ] you have a SIG with more than 4 lines of ASCII graphics
    [ ] you assumed that AOL/CIS/Prodigy founded the Internet
    [ ] you assumed that the Internet is a U.S. only phenomenon
    [ ] Repeatedly requested info on where to find XXX stuff.
    [ ] Repeatedly harassed people with androgynous names like Chris, Jamie, or
    Rajhatmalhaban, with "Are you a girl?" or "M/F?" questions.

    --------------------
    FOR LISTERVS (Open discussion Groups)
    --------------------
    [ ] you sent a please remove me from the list message to the
    list rather than the list-sever
    [ ] you continued a boring useless stupid thread
    [ ] you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to
    [ ] you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads
    [ ] you posted a piece riddled with profanities
    [ ] you advocated Net censorship
    [ ] you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority
    [ ] you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve
    [ ] you are apparently under compulsion to post to every thread
    [ ] you are posting an anonymous attack
    [ ] you responded to an obvious troll
    [ ] you posted an obvious troll

    [ ] you neglected to do research on the chosen subject
    [ ] you asked a question that was covered in the available FAQ
    [ ] you redundantly covered the same point over and over
    [ ] you crossposted excessively
    [ ] you used long lines, i.e. you didn't break up your lines after
    60-70 characters, thereby making it hard to quote your post.
    [ ] You posted a request to send business/get well cards to a little boy with
    cancer who is trying to break the guiness book record.
    [ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post.
    [ ] Over 90% of your post was quoted from a previous post and your addition
    was "I agree" or "Me too."
    [ ] Barged into a quiet little newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever and
    started stinking up the place just because you read an article about
    the newsgroup/IRC channel/MUD/whatever in some magazine or hads seen it
    on TV etc....


    [ ] you discussed the following in a non-nutcase newsgroup;
    [ ] hollow earth theory [ ] alien President theory
    [ ] orbital mind control frisbees [ ] faith healing
    [ ] government weather control [ ] Russian psychics
    [ ] Squeaky Fromme [ ] the nation of France
    [ ] robot spy bees [ ] sexually promiscuous space aliens
    [ ] "Manos, the Hands of Fate" [ ] Beavis & Butthead anything
    [ ] flat earth theory [ ] government consipiracy theory
    [ ] the veracity of any X-Files plot (see all of the above)
    [ ] Other:

    [ ] you considered the following to be reliable reference sources;
    [ ] Golden Books' "Exploring Science", printed 1955
    [ ] Any program covered by Talk Soup or [ ] SNL News
    [ ] Oliver Stone [ ] Hard Copy [ ] Inside Edition
    [ ] The National Enquirer [ ] The Sun [ ] NY Post
    [ ] The Union Leader [ ] Pravda [ ] OMNI Magazine
    [ ] Company Marketing Hype [ ] Microsoft [ ] The Simpsons
    [ ] An unidentified, but obviously stupid, person or publication
    [ ] Other:

    In the future, you may wish to;

    [ ] do not delete the "welcome to the list" message you recieved
    when you joined
    [ ] allow boring and useless threads to die
    [ ] remember that not all newsreaders are threaded
    [ ] recall that there are academic and commercial users on the net
    [ ] remember that the Internet is multinational
    [ ] consider that others may know more about certain subjects than you
    [ ] exercise some humility
    [ ] be careful of where you are crossposting to
    [ ] 'lurk' without posting for a few days to learn the forum of a group
    [ ] get used to being mocked
    [ ] stop volunteering for Armed Forces pharmaceutical experiments

    I would like like to suggest that, for the common good, you;

    [ ] wait at least two hours before responding to another post
    [ ] read the FAQ (frequently asked questions) list for the group
    [ ] learn to use the 'kill' command to eliminate erroneous posts
    [ ] post only to alt.dev.null
    [ ] selectively respond to threads after reading all new messages in
    that thread
    [ ] voluntarily apologize in a brief post
    [ ] no longer contribute to this newsgroup/mailing list
    [ ] no longer contribute to any newsgroup/mailing list
    [ ] no longer contribute to the gene pool
    [ ] look into the possibility of medication for the above problems
    [ ] familiarize yourself with the history of the Internet
    [ ] familiarize yourself with the concept of:
    [ ] patience [ ] tolerance [ ] caution
    [ ] common courtesy [ ] succinctness
    [ ] vocabulary [ ] higher brain functions
    [ ] Other:
    [ ] Re-install what ever failed mental operating system
    you are currently running on

    Please save this message and review it occasionally to determine
    your progress toward being;

    [ ] a useful member of Internet society
    [ ] a less annoying member of Internet society
    [ ] a human being
    [ ] a fully-functional human being
    [ ] a tolerable poster
    [ ] integrated into humanity
    [ ] re-integrated into the wild
    [ ] Other:

    Thank you for taking the time to read this form flame.



    Comments

    Proper Care of Floppies

    Comments

    FreeBSD Fs Linux - Computer
    Comments

    FreeBSD Kills Linux - Computer
    Comments

    Funniest Gmail Phishing Email with Captcha - Computer
    Comments

    What if People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers


    General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
    drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers

    --but imagine if they did...

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
    turns over the engine."
    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
    all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
    CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
    HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
    markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
    CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
    purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or
    pay the vendor to install it for you."
    CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000.00 for this car! Now you tell me that
    I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes
    with everything built in!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
    HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
    HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
    the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it
    crashed -- and now it won't start!"
    HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do
    you expect us to do about it?"
    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
    crash anymore!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
    it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering,
    power brakes, and power door locks."
    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
    HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my
    car!"


    Comments

    Gates Give Coke Some Pointers


    Bill Gates recently compared the OS market with the soft drink market,
    explaining that Microsoft is hanging on for dear life in the
    ultracompetitive OS market while Coke enjoys a real monopoly,
    since they'll be on top forever, but the DOJ doesn't pick on them.
    Of course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We
    might end up with a scenario like the following:

    Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, i'd like a Big Mac.

    Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke.
    That'll be $3.99.

    J: Uh, i don't want a Coke.

    C: Sorry, they're bundled.

    J: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

    C: You don't; the Coke is free.

    J: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

    C: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
    got integrated Coke!

    J: I already bought a 7-Up across the street - I'm not going
    to drink the Coke.

    C: Then you can't have the burger.

    J: Okay, fine, i'll pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

    C: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally
    inseparable.

    J: How can that be? They're two totally seperate things!

    C: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

    J: Why did you just do that?!?!

    C: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
    two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured
    of a continuous taste across all your foods.

    J: Aaarrgh!




    Comments

    A Short Glossary of Computer Terms

    Analog: Hors d'oeuvre, usually made from cheese and covered with crushed nuts.

    Back-up: Current data errors that have been saved for future use. See Database Back-up or File Back-up.

    Binary: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.

    Bit: 12 1/2 cents ($.125).

    Buffer: Programmer who works in the nude.

    Bug: Any type of insect.

    Byte: Painful wound inflicted by dogs, snakes, children etc.

    Coding: An addictive drug.

    Compile: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter.

    Computer: A device used to speed and automate errors.

    Control Character: Any person who has money to spend for any reason.

    Crash: A Normal Termination.

    Cursor: An Expert in four-letter words.

    Database: A special medium used to store errors, so that they can be processed and printed many times by the computer system. Sometimes called Input File or Data file.

    Debugging: Activities necessary to remove insects from any area where they are not wanted.

    Diskette: A mobile accessory to transsfer and to store errors.

    Downtime: The time in which the computer rests while you sink into the lower depths of depression. (Downtime typically takes place while you are in the middle of your most important work on the computer.).

    Drive: A hardware part were errors are loaded from diskettes. The moment the dirve's led is on can be described as the computer's orgasm.(the noise indicate it too!)

    Errors: The normal result of running a computer system.

    Hardcoded: Computer program code that has been allowed to dry. Hardware: 1. Boots, leather, studs, spikes and such. 2. The parts of a computer which can be kicked.

    Keyboard: An instrument used for entering errors into the system quickly.

    Logic: Orderly path always followed by programs & errors.

    Loop: See Loop.

    Maintenance: Activities necessary to ensure that the system continues to produce errors and delay work efficiently.

    Never-Never Land: 1. Place where no one grows up. 2. Place where programs love to go. - It is also called the Twilight Zone

    Password: The nonsense word taped to your terminal.

    Printer: A device that prints computer errors on paper.

    RAM: A male sheep.

    Reset: A button located on the computer's body,which make easier the "trip" of the programs to the Never-never land. It is conssidered as the only way of avoiding errors.

    ROM: 1. A Ram after a delicate operation. 2. What programs do in Never-Never Land.

    Screen: The part of the computer where the errors are seen for the first time. It is also the part programmers love to break the most.The most inginous and smart feature of the Screen is that it can be turned off.

    Software: 1. Silk nighties, nylons, teddies etc. 2. Parts of computer that can not be kicked.

    Sometime: Those occasions when a computer error message can be interpreted and understood.

    Security: A feature of computer system access which helps prevent the mis-use (or proper use) of the system.

    Table-Lookup: A piece of furniture that has been attached to the ceiling.

    Turbo: A mode in which the computer compiles the errors faster. It sometimes may help the programs to reach the NeverNever land.

    Uptime: The time in which a computer works & produces errors quickly and efficiently.
    Comments

    Dear Tech Support:

    Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began expected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

    In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3,

    Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run,crashing the system whenever selected.

    I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favourite applications.

    I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

    Please help!

    Thanks,

    A Troubled User.



    REPLY:



    Dear Troubled User:

    This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!

    It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.

    Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation.

    I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

    The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

    Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife

    1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds5.0!

    WARNING!!!

    O NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

    Good luck,

    Tech Support


    Comments

    GirlGriend Version 1.0



    I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been
    having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of
    DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the
    GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

    I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in
    background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to
    say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them
    separately, and it works okay.

    GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf
    program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing
    incompatibility.

    I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I
    might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of
    conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had
    experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have
    enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require
    a Token Ring to run properly. He was right--as soon as I purged my
    cache, it uninstalled itself.

    Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs
    were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me
    a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down
    for a while.

    I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a
    SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It
    worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was
    still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with
    GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I
    didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any
    other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some
    way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

    The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some
    problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
    obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I
    think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather
    than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections
    with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
    And I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

    A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to
    GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version
    of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires
    within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but
    soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes
    as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't
    load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go
    with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

    Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0
    sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new
    Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be
    running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
    Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0
    which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn-off.

    I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if
    you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0
    will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then
    Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

    I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system's hardware,
    it's software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful
    about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.



    Comments

    What do you get when you cross a gorilla and a computer?

    A Harry Reasoner!
    Comments

    HTML Tattoo - Computer
    Comments

    Hands Free Cell Phone - Computer
    Comments

    Hidden Settings - Computer
    Comments

    Hitching on the Information Highway
    by Kal Rosenberg




    After Mom passed away we carried home her big TV -- her first and only
    color set. We had bought it for her birthday twelve years before. It
    was bigger than the one in our bedroom so we put hers there instead. It
    had no remote control, so I asked Sandi to please pick up a zapper first
    chance she got. She did.

    The DeLuxe Universal Remote lay inside an impressive bubble pack. It
    claimed the ability to remotatize any TV set in this and nearby
    galaxies. It came with a nice little instruction book. The nice little
    instruction book had forty-eight pages. On page three it proclaimed
    that anyone over the age of six could easily program the zapper.

    Still, I knew we belonged to the electronically challenged generation.
    Despite a solid liberal arts education, we had been unable to play
    recorded music since our eight track went. But now the Universal Remote
    Company was making us a promise. It was my big chance, especially since
    I felt I knew more than most six-year olds. This new link in my golden
    chain might at last connect us with the twentieth century before it
    ended. I fantasized operating CD players -- whatever they are -- and
    pre-setting our VCR (which would no longer mock us with insatiable 12:00
    ... 12:00 ... 12:00 ...). I might even glide across a suddenly
    comprehensible Internet! We could leave our horse-and-buggy days
    behind, appliancewise. A powerful mantra from the DeLuxe Universal
    Remote zapper would empower us, placing us at last in harmony with the
    strange and distant electronic universe in which we now floundered.

    I read each of the forty-eight pages in the nice manual. (Six-year olds
    must be much smarter than in my day!) I scrupulously switched, set,
    held, waited and pushed. All was in place. I hit the final button.
    Nothing. I was dumber than a six-year old. Dumber than his shoes. I
    was Neolithic. Obsolete. A fossil. Frozen in an ice block of time --
    like a lump of pineapple in a Jell-O mold -- somewhere between pin boys
    and the Shirelles. It seemed that God was not about to let us cross
    over into the land of cyber-milk and virtual honey, even after aimless
    wanderings in the vast Computer Desert, lo these many years.

    As I put the remote back in its bubble pack I thought about making an
    excuse for when I returned it. I would say it was not my size. As I
    turned the package over to re-staple it, there in bold red print was
    what seemed to be my last chance to ride on the Information Highway: IF
    YOU FOLLOWED ALL INSTRUCTIONS AND THIS UNIT FAILS TO OPERATE YOUR
    ELECTRONIC APPLIANCE, CALL THE 800 NUMBER BELOW. DOUBLE YOUR MONEY BACK
    IF OUR UNIVERSAL REMOTE FAILS TO PERFORM!!!

    Another promise. With three exclamation points.

    I must have done something wrong, and some kindly phone voice,
    accustomed to assisting primitives, would gently lift me higher, higher,
    until we dazzled with zapper-competence. I phoned the 800 number.

    "Universal Remote customer service. This is Jeffrey. How can I help
    you?"

    "Jeffrey, I have your remote. I can't get it to work."

    "Which model please?"

    "It's the DeLuxe."

    He seemed annoyed. "They're all DeLuxe, sir! Is it the DeLuxe
    Universal Remote One or the DeLuxe Universal remote Two?"

    "I don't know. How do you tell?"

    There was an exasperated pause. "The 'One' has a big 'One' on the
    front, sir." Another pause. "The 'Two' ... "

    " ... has a 'Two.' Okay Jeffrey, it's a Two. I'm with you so far."

    "Okay then. What brand is your set?"

    "Zenith."

    "Super. How old?"

    "Twelve years."

    "That works for me. Now, how about all the steps on page sixteen? You
    do 'em?"

    "Yes."

    "How about the trouble-shooting section, pages forty-four through
    forty-seven?"

    "That too."

    "Not to worry. I'll walk you through it. First, get the original
    remote and turn it over."

    "Original remote?"

    "Yeah. The one that came with the set."

    "Jeffrey, if I had an original remote why would I buy yours?"

    "Whaddaya mean?"

    "What I mean is, Jeffrey, for one TV I only need one remote. Why would
    I have two? If I had the original, I wouldn't have had to buy one."

    "So, you don't have the original then."

    "What original?"

    "Wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me your set never had a remote?"

    "I do."

    "Well," he laughed, "that's bad, because this one won't work."

    "Oh, but that's good, Jeffrey. You can just send me double my money
    back."

    "We can't do that."

    "It says so right here on the package."

    "Yeah, but if your set never came with a remote then no remote will work
    'cause you don't have a sensor."

    "There's no mention of 'sensor' in the nice instructions. If we needed
    one of those things, somewhere in here is should have told us that and
    we would have bought one."

    Another one of those pauses. "Sir," he said softly, as if speaking to a
    child, "let's say you have this car, and you want to take a ride. Now,
    you have the key, but there's no engine. So, you open the door, you get
    in, you turn the key. Now, what do you think happens?"

    "I think I get double my money back for that car!"

    "Sir! Everyone knows you need a sensor in your TV for a remote to
    work. What you are saying is ridiculous. Either this is some kind of a
    joke -- which I really don't appreciate -- or you've been asleep for
    twenty years." Then his tone suddenly changed. "I don't mean to be
    abrupt or rude, sir. And please excuse me for asking, but are you all
    right? Is there someone there with you I can talk to? Someone who
    takes care of you? Do you know your phone number? I'll have a
    supervisor call you right back. Maybe we'll send you double your money
    back. Would you like that! Hello? Sir? Hello?"

    I hung up. It was like I was struck down by a modem (which until
    recently I thought was a feminine hygiene product). This young boy --
    what could he possibly know of life -- who had just spoken to me as if I
    were a six-year old (and not a bright one), became seriously concerned
    because I was out of touch with his reality. And so I was.

    I still would like to surf the Web, watching megs and gigawhatsis scoot
    around us. Patiently we will wait for our high-tech Fairy Godmother,
    our booted up Robin Hood. But slowly I'm learning. A little here. A
    little there. You know what those computerniks say: "Hit any user to
    continue."



    Comments

    Homework - Computer
    Comments

    Do You Know ...How These Names Came About?!?!?

    Adobe - came from name of the river Adobe Creek that ran behind the
    house of founder John Warnock.

    Apache - It got its name because its founders got started by applying
    patches to code written for NCSA's httpd daemon. The result was 'A PAtCHy'
    server -- thus, the name Apache

    Apple Computers - favourite fruit of founder Steve Jobs. He was three
    months late in filing a name for the business, and he threatened to call
    his company Apple Computers if the other colleagues didn't suggest a
    better name by 5 o'clock.

    CISCO - its not an acronymn but the short for San Francisco.

    Google - the name started as a jokey boast about the amount of
    information the search-engine would be able to search. It was originally
    named 'Googol', a word for the number represented by 1 followed by 100
    zeros. After founders - Stanford grad students Sergey Brin and Larry
    Page resented their project to an angel investor, they received a
    cheque made out to 'Google'

    Hotmail - Founder Jack Smith got the idea of accessing e-mail via the
    web from a computer anywhere in the world. When Sabeer Bhatia came up
    with the business plan for the mail service, he tried all kinds of
    names ending in 'mail' and finally settled for hotmail as it included
    the letters "html" - the programming language used to write web pages.
    It was initially referred to as HoTMaiL with selective upper casing.

    HP - Bill Hewlett and Dave Packard tossed a coin to decide whether the
    company they founded would be called Hewlett-Packard or
    Packard-Hewlett.

    Intel - Bob Noyce and Gordon Moore wanted to name their new company
    'Moore Noyce' but that was already trademarked by a hotel chain, so they
    had to settle for an acronym of INTegrated ELectronics.

    Lotus (Notes) - Mitch Kapor got the name for his company from 'The
    Lotus Position' or 'Padmasana'. Kapor used to be a teacher of
    Transcendental Meditation of Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

    Microsoft - coined by Bill Gates to represent the company that was
    devoted to MICROcomputer SOFTware. Originally christened Micro-Soft,
    the '-' was removed later on.

    Motorola - Founder Paul Galvin came up with this name when his company
    started manufacturing radios for cars. The popular radio company at the
    time was called Victrola.

    ORACLE - Larry Ellison and Bob Oats were working on a consulting
    project for the CIA (Central Intelligence Agency). The code name for the
    project was called Oracle(the CIA saw this as the system to give answers
    to all questions or something such).
    Acronym for: One Real Asshole Called Larry Ellison ??

    Red Hat - Company founder Marc Ewing was given the Cornell lacrosse
    team cap (with red and white stripes) while at college by his
    grandfather. He lost it and had to search for it desperately. The
    manual of the beta version of Red Hat Linux had an appeal to readers
    to return his Red Hat if found by anyone !

    SAP - "Systems, Applications, Products in Data Processing", formed by 4
    ex-IBM employees who used to work in the
    'Systems/Applications/Projects' group of IBM.

    Sony - from the Latin word 'sonus' meaning sound, and 'sonny' a slang
    used by Americans to refer to a bright youngster.

    SUN - founded by 4 Stanford University buddies, SUN is the acronym
    for Stanford University Network.

    Xerox - The inventor, Chestor Carlson, named his product trying to say
    dry' (as it was dry copying, markedly different from the then
    prevailing
    wet copying). The Greek root `xer' means dry.

    Yahoo! - the word was invented by Jonathan Swift and used in his book
    'Gulliver's Travels'. It represents a person who is repulsive in
    appearance and action and is barely human. Yahoo! founders Jerry Yang
    and David Filo selected the name because they considered
    themselves yahoos.

    Comments

    The New Birds & the Bees:

    The mystery is gone ... How was I born?

    The little boy asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"

    Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months
    later a blessed little Popup appeared and said, "You've got male!"
    Comments


    In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham
    Com
    did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was
    a
    comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been
    called
    Amazon Dot Com.

    She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town
    to
    town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
    And
    Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
    a
    camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?" And Dot replied, "I will
    place
    drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying
    what you
    have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best
    price. And
    the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony
    Stable
    (UPS)."

    Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
    drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
    all
    the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
    But
    this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself
    inside
    Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man
    did
    take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel
    dung.
    They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or
    NERDS
    for short. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches
    and
    the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches
    were
    going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up
    every
    drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that
    would
    work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

    Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
    others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it
    came to
    be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are,"
    and Dot
    replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO", said
    Abraham.
    And that is how it all began, It wasn't Al Gore after all.

    Comments

    There are several ways you could approach this situation. You could talk to girls in real life, but that is slow and difficult. Because communicating via network is more powerful than communicating via broadcast, we would be losing out on the network effect if we were to approach girls manually. Approaching girls at parties and bars is like Pussy 1.0. I'm here today to introduce you to an entirely new concept, one that I like to call Pussy 2.0. By using Orkut, we can greatly amplify our ability to pick up bitches. Think of it like turning a pussy magnet into a pussy electro-magnet.

    Setting the Scene

    The first step is making yourself look cool. In general, you want to project an image that combines manliness and wealth. No balls, no blue chips. No blue chips, blue balls.

    Now that you know the strategy, let's look at the tactics:

    1. Get as many friends as possible. If you don't have at least 100 friends, you should probably kill yourself.
    2. Write on lots of people's walls. Then they'll be obligated to write back on your wall, and you'll look really cool.
    3. Make sure you're profile picture has alcohol in it. This will make it look like you have lots of friends and get invited to all the cool parties.
    4. Under interests, list things like your favorite clothing brand and where you last went on vacation. This will subtly hint that you have lots of money in a tasteful way.
    5. Say that you're married to another guy. Everyone will think this is really funny. Trust me.
    6. If all your music tastes are really obscure, add at least one trashy pop album. This will make you look like a man of the people. Alternatively, if all your music is generic rock, add at least one album that no one has ever heard of. This will make you look classy.
    7. Join lots of political groups about things like ending discrimination and saving Darfur. This absolves you from real world responsibilities like helping others and voting. If Martin Luther King Jr. were still alive today, this is exactly what he'd be doing.

    Remember, success comes first in the mind, then in your pants, never the other way around.

    The Initial Contact

    The next step is to actually approach the women. Here are some general principles for success:

    1. Poke lots of random girls. If you do this enough, one of them will definitely have sex with you.
    2. Choose girls with no pictures. If the girl has no picture, there's probably a reason. If you want to seal the deal, then deal with the seal. Ask girls out on their wall instead of through private messages. If you can't charm them into saying yes, then publicly embarrass them into not saying no.
    3. Once you ask her out and she says yes, don't sign onto AIM or answer your phone until your date. This will make it harder for her to change her mind.
    4. Similarly to rule three, choose a date that's hard for her to get out of if she gets nervous. For a good first date, I'd suggest a plane ride to Thailand with a twelve year old bottle of wine.

    Getting Her to Have Sex With You

    When trying to figure out whether or not a girl likes you, learn to recognize the holy trinity: She touches you, she lets you touch her, or she touches herself. While there's no way to know for sure whether a girl likes you short of hooking electrodes up to her genitals, these are some good signs. But what do you do if she doesn't seem to like you? The best answer is hypnosis. Here are some tips:

    1. Try to penetrate your vocabulary with sexual words to get her subliminally turned on. Use phrases like, "The sky above us is so beautiful, but so is the ground blow me." This will make her want to have sex with you. It really works!!
    2. Using leading phrases like, "Before we go back to my apartment, would you like another drink?" By hiding a statement inside a question, she is forced to do what you say, as if you had Jedi mind powers. This rare technique is impossible for her to resist.

    If you have followed all of the previously steps correctly, the girl should now be having sex with you. Congratulations!
    Comments

    Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
    scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

    Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and
    look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

    When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
    that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it
    on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a
    good half hour.

    Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
    evilly.

    Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a
    different screen than the one it's set up with.

    Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at
    the highest volume possible over and over again.

    Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
    something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

    Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
    Pentagon files.

    Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.

    Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

    Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
    say, "Just in case..." mysteriously.

    Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about
    everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

    Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
    they're crazy while typing.

    Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

    Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone
    agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."

    Every time you press return and there is processing time required,
    pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
    when it finishes.

    "Disk fight!"

    Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you,
    whether you know them or not.

    Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
    by hitting the keys with the straw.

    If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong
    Song" whenever there is processing time required.

    Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it
    to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
    complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

    Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't
    work, get the supervisor.

    When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.

    Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done
    (two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.

    Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing
    this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

    Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next
    to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
    enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
    more effective to let them linger.

    If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
    them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

    Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on
    your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

    Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
    place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
    drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
    aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

    Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
    like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
    working conditions.

    Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and
    continue working.

    Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.

    Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat).
    Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper
    this way.

    Attempt to eat your computer mouse.

    Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
    mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking
    it.

    Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.

    When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
    the old ways are best.

    Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

    Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
    you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's
    keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
    word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your
    head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing
    this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.
    Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
    space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print
    out your document and leave.

    Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
    and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects,
    put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
    drooling.)

    Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out
    laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
    stuff and leave, howling as you go.

    Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making
    elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
    mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under
    the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this
    time," and calmly start to type again.

    Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

    See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
    like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a
    chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

    Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
    effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

    Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
    lead doesn't work.

    Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of
    flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
    happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat
    this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
    keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then
    walk out.

    Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then
    calmly sit down and begin to type.

    Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
    rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
    that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
    week."

    Two words: Tesla Coil.
    Comments

    Hundreds of Linux Boxes Booting on an Airplane - Computer
    Comments

    A man loved a girl studies computer science/engineer.
    he sent a letter saying :

    I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER
    Believe me it is true...

    You installed the best in me.
    Your picture is always in my background.
    You clicked my heart gently.
    You drive me crazy when I see you.
    Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in
    me.
    You restored my kindness after I thought it was
    corrupted.
    I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart
    beat per second.
    You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.
    You are the only one that could navigate my feelings
    and explore my emotions at the same time.
    I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not
    responding.
    I always feel you close to me when I shut down my
    eyes, or when I open my windows waiting for you to
    pass.
    You are the only one that can log into my heart and
    never log out.
    I dream of being your only serveras long as I live.
    You don't have to search for me,cause we are always
    linked to
    each others.
    I see your name everywhere, my FrontPage, my homepage
    and all my software.
    I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by
    you.
    You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I
    do?.
    You formatted my life and added happiness to view.
    Believe me it is true...
    I love you more than my CPU.
    Comments

    I Love You Virus - Computer
    Comments

    If AOL Made Cars


    1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH
    speedometer.

    2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape
    player{tm}.

    3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this
    and try again later.

    4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from
    seeing better cars.

    5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim its the NEW
    model.

    6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no
    apparent reason.

    7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lotsa
    pretty colors and lights.

    8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for
    family members.

    9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make
    payments for 6 months.

    10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car
    off of them.

    11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to
    other AOL car cell phones.

    12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving
    near other car dealerships.

    13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

    14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars
    stall just for fun.

    15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

    16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave
    worse mileage.

    17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder,
    M/F/age?

    18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another
    AOL car owner.

    19. AOL cars would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

    20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other
    cars have them.

    21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "good-Bye."

    Comments

    If Architects Worked Like Programmers...
    ...Here is How the Request Would Be:


    Dear Architect:

    Please design and build a house for me. I am not quite sure what I need,
    so
    please use your discretion. My house should have between two and 45
    bedrooms. Make sure the plans are such that bedrooms can easily be added
    or
    deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final
    decision on what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each
    configuration so I can arbitrarily pick one.

    Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the
    one
    I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the
    deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen
    vibrates when I walk across it and the walls don't have nearly enough
    insulation).

    As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance
    costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of
    extra-cost
    features like aluminum, vinyl or composite siding. (If you choose not to
    specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

    Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials
    are
    used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the
    most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be aware, however, that the kitchen
    should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson
    refrigerator.

    To ensure you are building the correct house for our entire family, make
    certain you contact each of our children and also our in-laws. My
    mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should
    be
    designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure you weigh
    all
    of these options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however,
    retain the right to overrule any choices you make.

    Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to
    develop
    the overall plans for the house; get the big picture. At this time, for
    example, it is not appropriate to choose the color of the carpet.
    However,
    keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

    Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build
    the
    house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and
    specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the
    house to be under roof within 48 hours.

    While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that
    sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. Therefore, it
    should appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Make sure before you
    finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area
    that they like the features of this house. I suggest you run up and look
    at
    my neighbor's house he built last year. We like it a great deal. It has
    many features we would also like in our new home, particularly the
    75-foot
    swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe you can design this
    into
    our new house without impacting the final cost.

    Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this
    time to do the real design, since these blueprints will be used only for
    construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable
    for any increase in construction costs as a result of later design
    changes.
    You must be thrilled to be working on as interesting a project as this!
    To
    be able to use the latest techniques and materials, and to be given such
    freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often.
    Contact
    me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

    PS: My wife just told me she disagrees with many of the instructions I've
    given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to
    resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable
    to
    accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to
    find another architect.

    PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer.
    Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.



    Comments

    Comments

    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothinghappened!"
    HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
    CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
    HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
    battery and turns over the engine."
    CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
    know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
    ===============================================================
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't goanywhere!"
    HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
    HELPLINE: "There's a little guage on the front panel, with a
    needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needlepointing?"
    CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
    HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
    purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay
    the vendor to install it for you."
    CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
    that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
    comes with everything built in!"
    ===============================================================
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Your car sucks!"HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
    CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"HELPLINE: "What were you
    doing?"
    CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
    pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then
    it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
    HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
    What do you expect us to do about it?"
    CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
    doesn't crash anymore!"
    ===============================================================
    HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
    because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
    steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
    HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
    CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
    CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
    CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go placesin my
    car!"


    Comments

    Image Loading on Internet - Computer
    Comments

    Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready to install it now. What do I do first?
    Tech Support: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART, ma'am?
    Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
    Tech Support: What programs are running, ma'am?
    Customer: Let's see... I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running now.
    Tech Support: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST-HURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?
    Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
    Tech Support: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until it's erased the programs you don't want.
    Customer: Okay, now LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
    Tech Support: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
    Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?
    Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.
    Customer: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do?
    Tech Support: What does the message say?
    Customer: It says "ERROR 412-PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS." What does that mean?
    Tech Support: Don't worry, ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTs but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
    Customer: So what should I do?
    Tech Support: Can you pull down the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
    Customer: Yes, I have it.
    Tech Support: Excellent. You're getting good at this. Now, click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVE-SELF.DOC, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT, and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
    Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal?
    Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. Ah, one more thing.
    Customer: Yes?
    Tech Support: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you.
    Customer: I will! Thanks for your help!
    Comments

    Intelligent Clip - Computer
    Comments

    An International View of Y2K

    Most widely used calendars will not have any problem next year.

    In many countries, next year will be 1420. When the new year starts in each
    of those countries will depend on where that country is relative to the
    International Lunar Date Lines, or on actual observation of the phase of the
    moon.

    In Israel the next year will be 5760.

    In Thailand and many other countries it will be 2543.

    In Ethiopia it will be 1991.

    On Java it will be 1922. (Is your browser Java enabled?)

    In India the number of the next year is manifold. For Jains alone, it will
    be 2057 and 2527.

    On Indonesian wall calendars each day's box has several date numbers and day
    names. In Bali it is very important to know what day it is. There are
    three cycles of weeks that run simultaneously: each day has a name from the
    3 day week, another from the five day week, and one from the seven day week.
    Together, the three names name the day. The year has 210 days.

    Next year will be 89 on Taiwan.

    Though its number will be 2000 on government forms, a recent survey showed
    that almost half of the people in China, when asked, say:

    Next year will be Dragon.


    Comments

    You Know You Are Addicted to the Internet When ...



    * You actually wore a blue ribbon to protest the Communications
    Decency Act.

    * You kiss your girlfriend's home page.

    * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

    * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

    * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

    * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no
    phone lines.

    * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a
    cellular modem and a laptop.

    * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
    lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

    * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster
    connection to the net: 28.8...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3.

    * And even your night dreams are in HTML.

    * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
    word processor.com

    * You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
    you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

    * You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

    * You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au

    * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
    new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never
    had heart problems before.

    * You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved
    and you don't have a clue when it happened.

    * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
    if new e-mail arrives.

    * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
    what she looks like.

    * All of your friends have an @ in their names.

    * When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice all
    of them are already highlighted in purple.

    * Your dog has its own home page.

    * You've already visited all the links at Yahoo and you're halfway
    through Lycos. or [C]ontinue?

    * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

    * You realize there is not a sound in the house and you have no
    idea where your children are.

    * You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts
    illuminated only by a 17" inch svga monitor.

    * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
    again.

    * You refer to your age as 3.x.

    * You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and
    even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

    * Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

    * Even though you died last week, you've managed to retain OPS on
    your favorite IRC channel.

    * You code your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

    * You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are,
    because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to
    ask.

    * You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.

    * You laugh at people with 2400 baud modems.

    * Your husband tells you he's had the beard for 2 months.

    * You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest games
    from Apogee.t, or [C]ontinue?

    * You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

    * You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
    your e-mail on the way back to bed.

    * You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
    landscape.

    * You tell the cab driver you live at
    http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html

    * You actually try that 123.elm.street address.

    * Your virtual girlfriend finds a new net sweetheart with a larger
    bandwidth.

    * You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
    got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

    * Your friends no longer send you e-mail...they just log on to your
    IRC channel.

    * You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

    * Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

    * You are so familiar with the WWW that you find the search engines
    useless.

    * You get a tatoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
    1.1 or higher."

    * You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
    ISP...because you never log off.

    * The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.

    * You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see
    it while you are pretending to catch your breath.

    * You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
    front of your computer with a toilet.

    * You forget what year it is.

    * You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

    * You ask your doctor to implant a gig in your brain.

    * You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you think
    it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for
    "surfing the net".

    * You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed
    to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

    * You turn on your computer and turn off your wife.

    * Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you
    buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you
    can chat.

    * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
    your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.



    Comments

    If Internet Companies Provided Cable Service


    TV stations are starting to provide INTERNET access, but could you imagine
    if INTERNET Service Providers were to provide CABLE?




    All the most popular shows would just 'slow down' just because there were too
    many people watching it at once.

    The nudie channels would make you click your remote saying, "YES, I AM OLD
    ENOUGH, LET ME SEE THE STUFF."

    When you change channels, there'd be a 5 to 10 second wait with an hourglass
    on the screen while the next channel is connected to. The more people watching
    a show, the longer the hourglass stays there.

    There'd be a "back" button on the remote so you can take another look at what
    you just watched.

    Sometimes your TV will complain it cannot "FIND" what you're looking for.

    You'd be able to make your TV store the things you like, until it gets too full,
    then you'd have to delete a few things.

    There'd be an arrow on the screen blocking the view, and you'd have to slide
    your remote control around on the coffee table just to change channels.

    When you complain that you cannot connect your tv and get cable, or that the
    Hourglass is just staying on the screen all the time, they'd say: "Well, were
    busy now, that's the way it goes."

    You'd be able to instantly be able to send messages to anyone else with a TV.
    The downside of that is that ADVERTISERS would be able to instantly send
    messages to everyone for free as well.

    They would advertise, "All the TV you can watch for $20 a month!"

    If you're having poor reception, the technical staff at the station would suggest
    trying to reconnect again, turning your TV OFF and then ON again, Blaming the
    problem on you, Getting you to re-program your TV, and then telling you that
    your TV just isn't good enough and to buy one ten times as fast for about $3000.

    New software for your TV will make it run slower and require hardware upgrades.

    After about 1.5 years, your TV would be completely useless for watching, and
    you'd have to go out and buy another TV for about $2500 dollars.

    You'd have to hire a high school kid to help you set up and connect your TV.

    They'd take one good COAX cable and split it up into 10000 smaller slower cables,
    1 to each customer.

    If you have 2 TV's, you'd be able to connect them and have your own Network.

    The NEWS would be only 5% relevant, full of ads,and messages from people sending,
    "me too" messages.

    You could pay a lot for a TV now, or you could wait a few months for the price
    to go down.




    So I don't think I'll ever get cable from an Internet company... or buy a TV,...




    Comments





    Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet?
    Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure
    to your computer monitor? How do you know if you're addicted to
    the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's
    Reality Test.

    Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your
    score to see if you should be concerned:




    What do you think are good names for children?

    Scott and Jenny.
    Bill Gates IV.
    Mozilla and Dotcom.


    What's a telephone?

    A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
    A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
    Something you plug into a modem.


    Which punctuation is most correct?

    I had a wonderful day!
    I had a **wonderful** day!!!
    I had a wonderful day :-)


    You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:

    Visit the washroom.
    Raid the fridge.
    Check your E-mail.


    What are RAM and ROM?

    A male sheep and a city in Italy.
    Hulking stars of the WWF.
    I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.


    To avoid a virus you should:

    Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
    Never read E-mail titled "Good Times".
    Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.


    When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:

    Ask friends where to purchase it.
    Check out the Yellow Pages.
    Go to Yahoo!


    When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:

    Call the retailer.
    Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
    Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.


    When you want to see all the beautiful people you:

    Visit a club on a Saturday night.
    Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
    Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.


    How do you introduce yourself at a party?

    Hi, I'm Jane!
    Hi, I'm a Taurus on the cusp.
    Hi, I'm a 5'10" hot blonde with a super bod.


    When you're interested in someone at a party you say:

    Tell me more about yourself.
    What's your star sign?
    What's your Profile?


    If you really like the person, you say:

    Could you tell me your phone number?
    What's your E-mail address?
    Let's chat Private.


    When I say spam, you think:

    Ham in a can.
    Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
    I mailbomb all spammers!


    When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:

    I don't need another mug coaster.
    Great! I'll reformat and use it for backups.
    Great! I'll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.


    When you want to research a reference you:

    Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
    Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
    Go to www.altavista.digital.com.


    When you write a letter you:

    Put pencil to paper.
    Open Eudora.
    Ask: What's a letter? Is it like E-mail?


    Different types of text formatting include:

    Writing and printing.
    Underline and double-strike.
    Bold and italic.


    You correct errors using:

    An eraser.
    White-out.
    Backspace or delete.


    You sign your name:

    Best regards, John Smith.
    See you in IRC, John_Smith.
    Check out my home page for the cool links, johnsmith@aol.com.


    To keep a copy of your letter you:

    Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
    Take it to the photocopier.
    Check your Sent Mail folder.




    SCORING: Give yourself zero points for each "a" response, five for each
    "b" and 10 for each "c".

    If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log
    more hours in real life.

    If you scored between 50 and 145, you're living a good mix
    of Net and reality.

    If you scored under 50, you probably didn't read this far.


    Comments

    Internet Reality - Computer
    Comments

    Internet Virus Warning



    ******************************************************************
    WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE!
    Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
    ******************************************************************
    WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
    Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
    becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
    question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
    up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it
    is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
    hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, e-mail viruses, taxes on modems, and
    get-rich-quick schemes.

    "These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
    tickets based on fortune cookie numbers", a spokesman said. "Most are
    otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
    to them by a stranger on a street corner". However, once these same
    people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
    anything they read on the Internet.

    "My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone", reported
    one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
    story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
    anonymous."

    Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first heard about
    Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there
    were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the
    virus must be true". It was a long time, the victim said, before she
    could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, "My name is
    Jane, and I've been hoaxed". Now, however, she is spreading the word.
    "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.

    Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
    virus, which include the following:
    -- The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking.
    -- The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others.
    -- A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story
    is true.

    T.C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
    "I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
    makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo".

    When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
    reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.

    Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
    Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
    users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
    tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
    tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet community.

    Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and
    there is on-line help from many sources, including:

    -- Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability at

    http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

    -- Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at

    http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

    -- McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at

    http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

    -- Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at

    http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

    -- The Urban Legends Web Site at

    http://www.urbanlegends.com

    -- Urban Legends Reference Pages at

    http://www.snopes.com

    -- Datafellows Hoax Warnings at

    http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

    Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
    against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
    evaluating sources, such as:

    -- Evaluating Internet Research Sources at

    http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

    -- Evaluation of Information Sources at

    http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

    -- Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at

    http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

    It *is* possible to design responsible alerts for people to circulate
    on the Internet. Here is a how-to that draws positive conclusions
    from long experience with the evils of badly designed alerts:

    -- Designing Effective Action Alerts for the Internet at

    http://weber.ucsd.edu/~pagre/alerts.html

    Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
    Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
    forwards them a hoax.





    Comments


    No, Windows 95 is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:



    They replicate quickly -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

    Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system
    as they do so -- okay, Windows 95 does that.

    Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk -- okay,
    Windows 95 does that too.

    Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with
    valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows 95 does that, too.

    Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is
    too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with
    Windows 95, too.



    Until now it seems Windows 95 is a virus but there are fundamental
    differences:

    Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most
    systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they
    tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

    So Windows 95 is not a virus.

    Well see about NT-4









    Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:36 PDT 1999



    Comments





    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.
    This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a
    contest, with God as the judge.

    They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type
    furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours
    straight.
    Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
    taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and
    God announces that the contest is over.

    He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset,
    and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

    "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
    Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display,
    the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is
    astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
    program is intact! How did he do it?"

    God chuckles, "Everybody knows... Jesus saves."

    Comments

    .... A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at Microsoft.
    The HR manager interviewed him, then gave him a test, which was to clean the floor.
    After that the HR manager said "You are engaged, give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start".
    The man replied, " I don't have a computer, neither an email" I'm sorry",

    said the HR manager, "if you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job". The man left with no hope at all.
    He didn't know what to do, with only 10US$ in his pocket. The man then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 Kg tomato crate. He sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, He succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with 60 US$.
    The man realized that he could survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled and tripled day by day.
    Shortly later, he bought a car, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.
    5 years later, the man became one of the biggest food retailers in the US.
    He started to plan his family's future, and decided to get life insurance.
    He called an insurance broker, and choose a protection plan.
    When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him for his email.
    The man replied: "I don't have an email". The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire.
    Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"!!
    The man thought for a while, and replied: "an office boy at Microsoft!
    Comments

    Junk Mail 101
    by Andrew Hicks


    Last year, I wrote a column called "Hate Mail 101." It was one of
    my favorites and turned out to be a favorite of most readers as well. So
    in memory of that and respecting the fact that I have nothing else to
    write about right now, I'm doing a spin off. This time I'll reprint and
    grade ten e-mails, from A+ to F, from the other end of the "unwanted
    mail" spectrum. This is a guide to junk mail, all of which I've received
    this past week. For reference purposes, I'm using each e-mail's subject
    line as its title...



    1. Please Help Me


    Ah, the desperation of junk mail. This one reaches new lows,
    declaring, "I don't know what is most important--kids, or the planet our
    kids will live on after we are gone!" So he decides to exploit them both,
    beginning with kids. "FOUR MILLION people will be poisoned this year from
    cleaning products. Over TEN THOUSAND little kids will DIE this year.
    That is HEARTBREAKING!" Then he talks about how his brother died when he
    was ten and asks, "Are you willing to help save a kid's life?" If you
    are, get ready to buy some all-natural cleaning products, which don't
    poison our water or kill our kids. And just look at that shine! "Some
    people may accuse me of being a profiteer," this poor guy says. He
    doesn't know the half of it, but the sad part is, he'll probably make a
    lot of money on this. Then he'll push his sister overboard so he can sell
    the world the Amazing Non-Slick Ship Deck Mop. The lower these junk mails
    sink, the better they get. Grade: A.




    2. Re:


    Yes, "Re:" was the subject line. This is one of the only junk
    mails circulating that doesn't give any details about the product in the
    subject header, but when you read the mail you see why. They're trying to
    sell you two computer programs called "Virtual Girlfriend" and "Virtual
    Boyfriend," both of which simulate relationship activities for those who
    are unable, or perhaps unwilling, to experience them in real life. "You
    can watch them, talk to them, ask them questions, tell them secrets, and
    relate with them. Watch them as you ask them to take off different
    clothes and guide them through many different activities." If you act
    now, you can also get "Club Celebrity X," a program that puts the
    Hollywood elite in a new light. "You have seen these girls on T.V.,
    Magazines and billboard ads. Now they are on your computer begging for
    action." If you're lucky, you might even get one of them to be your
    virtual girlfriend. The order form itself is the best thing about this
    junk mail; that's where you find out you can get Virtual Girlfriend or
    Virtual Boyfriend for $10, or get them both for just $15.95. That's for
    people who somehow think buying only one of these is not pathetic enough.
    Hint to my friends: Christmas is just around the corner. A-.




    3. THIS IS ONLY FOR PEOPLE WHO NEEDS MONEY RIGHT NOW!



    Well, hell, I needs money. So I listened to Dick Hollman when he
    told me his life went from repossessed cars and bill collectors to luxury
    cruises, new cars and "a second home in Virginia," all when "I received a
    letter telling me how to earn $800,000 anytime I wanted to!" How about
    next Tuesday? he asked himself. The scheme is simple. You send the people
    on the list one dollar each and ask them to add your name to their lists.
    Then you send this mail to as many people as you can. Cyrus Huntington
    returned the letter and, three days later, he won the lottery. John
    Hopkins refused to return the letter and, three minutes later, he died.
    The choice is clear, and the sacrifice is little in the long run. As Dick
    writes, "BE HONEST, HAVEN'T YOU 'BLOWN' MONEY IN RESTURANTS OR ON ITEMS
    THAT GIVE ONLY TEMPORARY PLEASURE?" Oh, like, say luxury cruises, new
    cars and a second home in Virginia? Dick's all-caps urgency, his
    insistence that this age-old scam REALLY WORKS, his subject-verb
    disagreement in the subject line and his bringing hope to many pathetic
    individuals actually stupid enough to fall for this e-mail ensure him of
    his place in junk mail history. An instant classic. A+.




    4. I Make $250 to $1000 A Week!!



    When I first saw this subject line, I thought, "So what, a
    janitor makes at least $250 in a week," but then I realized, this guy is
    working for "One Of The Hottest Most Exciting Marketing Groups On The
    Internet," The One That Capitalizes Every Word They Use. Then this
    anonymous writer declares, "I MADE $160 MY FIRST DAY!!!" Having sex with
    who again? This guy works for the Marketing Warriors, which sounds like
    some community business college football team. It was founded by Allen
    Says, brother of Simon, and plugs some "secret site" where you can
    download millions of e-mail addresses for your personal use, presumably
    so you can send people senseless, unsolicited e-mail like this and learn
    how, among other things, "to print your own money....legally!!" This junk
    mail is all over the place, promising lots of money (probably fake money
    they printed "legally") but offering no details other than the secret
    site, and it has its share of widely varying capitalization. Make it work
    for you. C+.




    5. Immediate Release: El Nino update...



    Perhaps the absolute worst junk mail I've come across lately,
    this one offers to educate investment opportunists "how to take advantage
    of the potential effects of El Nino on the agricultural commodities
    markets!!" This year's El Nino "could be the worst one in 150 years," so
    why not make some money from it by investing in soybeans, corn and wheat,
    the foods that will no doubt reach famine levels of shortage when revaged
    by El Nino? The catch is, you have to commit to a minimum investment of
    $6,000. Now, do you think anyone stupid enough to read past the first
    line of this e-mail really has $6,000 at their disposal? From the same
    people who brought you "Cash in on your grandmother's rape!" F.




    6. The Cash Cow is MOOING!!



    That's right. You already know the cash rooster is crowing and
    the cash elephant is stampeding, but now the cash cow is mooing. "Call
    the number below and find out how to make thousands of dollars each week
    simply by getting people to call an 800 number! WE DO EVERYTHING ELSE !!!
    !!! WE CLOSE ALL SALES FOR YOU !!! $$$$ 100.00 FAST START CASH * PAYDAY
    EACH FRIDAY $$$$ WE ADVERTISE * WE RECRUIT * WE CLOSE YOUR SALES ****ALL
    WHILE YOUR AT WORK OR AT PLAY **** $$$$ START MAKING $ 100.00 BILLS
    RIGHT NOW !!!" People, THIS is an excellent junk mail. All caps, a
    groaner of a subject line, confusing repeated punctuation, use of "your"
    for "you're" and, of course, absolutely no details about what kind of
    business you're entering into. Even the jaded head of a student painter
    scam would be proud. A+.




    7. MOUSE PADS WITH YOUR FAVORITE PHOTO! GREAT GIFT!


    This one loses a letter grade for being an actual, tangible
    product and not some kind of pyramid or sales scheme. It also loses a
    letter grade for melding one pathetic product with another. I think we
    all see enough pictures of our friends and family, we don't need to be
    running our mouses across their faces every time we're on the computer.
    Nevetheless, the manufactures think, that for only $14.75 plus shipping,
    "Its time to REPLACE your OLD, DIRTY, FRAYED, BORING mouse pads with
    LOVED ONES, FAMILY, FRIENDS, PETS," and so on, as if to suggest a mouse
    pad with a picture of a loved one would somehow not be boring. Now, if
    someone actually had a pet mouse and wanted to put the mouse's picture on
    the mouse pad, I could see the novelty value, but otherwise, no f'ing
    way. This is no fly-by-night operation, though: "Our Mouse Pads are made
    from the HIGHIEST QUALITY 'NO FRAY' cloth tops and 1/4" deep non-skid
    rubber bottoms." If I'm not mistaken, so are the Virtual Boyfriend and
    Girlfriend accessories. These people do earn a small amount of credit in
    my book for including the line, "We will ship it back to you OR TO ANY
    ADDRESS you prefer!" which opens up endless possibilities for sending
    enemies obscene photos. And since these mouse pads are of the "HIGHIEST
    QUALITY," the enemies would probably end up using them. D+.

    8. Make money From People Watching TV



    I got this one three times in a row. It starts with the line,
    "Just Released," probably describing the author's parole. This e-mail
    describes some kind of vague digital satellite sales job, "setting up
    people with DSS satellite equipment at no charge. As a representative
    with our company, you will get paid between $25 and $100 for 'giving
    away' Digital Direct Satellite Dishes." So they pay you to give away
    their equipment? They don't explain how they make money doing this, but
    rest assured there is illegal activity involved. The fact that "giving
    away" is in quotes suggests something sinister, like perhaps that they've
    "borrowed" the satellite dishes from some electronics store. The closing
    line reads, "If you are ready for the greatest business opportunity to
    come down the pike, don't miss this one, it is only 2 months old!!!"
    Younger is better in junk mail; you have to go with a company that has
    not proven itself at all, whose business strategies don't make any sense
    and who put words in quotes. Overall, very effective. B+!!!




    9. A personal message...


    Shannon Johnson, CEO, writes, "I have to tell you that I am
    really angry and upset about what is going on here on the Internet. We at
    Success Concepts are so angry, in fact, that we decided to do something
    about it." More specifically, they decided to make everyone else angry by
    sending them junk e-mail. This one, like so many others, offers to sell
    you everyone else's e-mail addresses so you can bug the hell out of them
    like they do. This is unremarkable junk mail -- where are the screaming,
    all-caps promises? Where are the missing details of shady business? Where
    are the erotic software offers? D.




    10. I know all about you...



    This subject line was followed by the promise, "Now YOU CAN KNOW
    TOO..." So I'm supposed to pay you so I can know about me? Okay, let me
    get my checkbook... I admit, when you see e-mail with a subject line like
    that, you read it. You want to make sure you're not being blackmailed,
    that no one knows about you and Marv Albert and the three drunken flight
    attendants last May. Then this guy tries to sell you information on how
    to find dirt on everyone. "Check out your spouse, or even your daughter's
    new boyfriend!" And I'm sure he knows what I did last summer, but the
    lack of any personal details to freak me out kept me from falling for the
    scheme. Now, if he would have said anything about May with Marv, I would
    have been sold. C-.




    Comments

    Kill Windows - Computer
    Comments

    Laptop - Computer
    Comments

    Laptops in Recent Movies




    Four of the biggest films of 1996 -- Twister, Eraser, Mission
    Impossible and Independence Day -- have one thing in common besides
    box-office success: in each film, portable computers played a prominent
    role. We decided to put the portable computers in these flims to the
    test and asnwer once and for all the question, "Hey, if I happen to find
    myself in a big-budget Hollywood movie, which portable computer will
    give me the
    best performance?

    TWISTER
    Twister featured a Silicon Graphics laptop, which is intesting
    since Silicon Graphics doens't make laptops. Nevertheless, a label
    reading "Silicon Graphics" was placed conspicuously on the computer,
    because you just never know when you might forget the brand name of your
    computer. Overall, this computer performed more than adequately. For
    one thing, it was robust. While seemingly everything else in the movie
    was sucked into the tornado, the Silicon Graphics laptop was unharmed.
    This is incredible when you think about it. Houses, cows and even an
    18-wheeler were blown away by tornadoes, but this computer remained
    undamaged, even when it was used at one point as an umbrella.
    Aside from personal bad-weather protection, another important
    feature of the Silicon Graphics laptop was its ability not to
    self-destruct due to the complete inanity of the script. My sources tell
    me that many lesser computers were unable to make it through the first
    third of the film without a system error.
    One computer actually exploded in the first 20 mintues after a
    particularly silly scene involving the fiancee of Bill Paxton's
    character. But not the Silicon Graphics laptop. It kept on performing at
    a high level. If the big-budget film you're in happens to have a script
    with all the subtlety of a bad Baywatch episode, then the Silicon
    Graphics laptop is definitely the computer for you, even if it doesn't
    exist.

    ERASER
    Eraser also featured a portable computer. Unfortunately, I do
    not know which portable computer it was. Neither does anyone at Warner
    Brothers, including Steve in Product Placement, who informed me, "I'm
    sorry, this office cannot comment on that."
    It really doesn't matter, though, because the Unknown Laptop is
    a real disappointment. About all that can be said in its favor is that
    it didn't blow up. Admittedly, that's an accomplishment. After all,
    practically everything else in the movie exploded, sometimes more than
    once. If you do find yourself in a flick with lots of exploding
    buildings and houses, you might want to find out what computer this one
    is. Just don't ask Steve in Product Placement, because he can't comment.
    Where the Unknown Laptop comes up really short is in
    performance. For example, early in the film Vanessa William's character
    copies important files onto a CD-ROM(!). When she arrives home and
    attempts to open the files with her laptop, she finds that the CD-ROM
    will not run, thus making the computer completely useless for the film.
    Because of this defect, Williams and Arnold Schwarzenegger must break
    into CIA headquarters and open the classified files from within the
    high-security building.
    Admittedly, this may be more of a software problem than a
    hardware problem. Microsoft is now working on a plug-in for Windows 95
    that will allow users to open classified documents stolen from the CIA,
    but the original release date was set for November 1995. After countless
    delays, Microsoft now refuses to set a new date for the release. The
    truth is that it might be several years before an operating system is
    available that will reliably open classified documents stolen from the
    CIA.
    Furthermore, Herbert Naylor, an imaginary spokesman for
    Microsoft, claims that this defect is really not a problem. "The movie,"
    he rightly says, "was starting to drag at that point, and if not for the
    computer failing, the screenwriters might never have come up with a
    reason for the characters to break into the CIA." This is a salient
    point, and one the serious computer user must consider. Among the
    computers reviewed here, the Unkonwn Laptop was clearly the best at
    moving the plot along.


    MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
    One of the stars of Mission Impossible was a Macintosh PowerBook
    540C. I know this because I called Apple Computer, and they were
    positively giddy to tell me about all the Apple computers used in films
    this summer. They'd probably still be talking to me right now, if I
    hadn't come up with an excuse to end the conversation.
    In this film, the Macintosh advantage is clear. Whereas the
    Unknown Laptop was unable to open classified files, Tom Cruise's
    PowerBook did not have the same problem. It easily handled classified
    information. Nevertheless, the PowerBook 540C did display some flaws.
    For example, many of the most popular lists of classified information
    take several months longer to be released for the Macintosh platform,
    but the PowerBook 540C's superior ability in opening classified files
    makes it well worth the wait. One can only hope this will persuade
    developers to release more lists of classified information for the
    Macintosh.
    Another interesting feature of this PowerBook is its superior
    acting ability. For example, in several scenes the PowerBook managed to
    outact Cruise. True, this is not that difficult an accomplishment. (In
    one scene, the leg of a table in the corner of the screen outacted
    Cruise for several seconds). Nevertheless, it is always impressive when
    a portable computer manges to outperform the lead actor.
    You may have mixed feelings about this. If you're the type of
    actor who likes to be surrounded by superior actors in the hopes that
    this will make the movie that much more successful, then the PowerBook
    540C is for you. However, if you're at all worried about being upstaged,
    you might want to consider another model.

    INDEPENDENCE DAY
    Independence Day (or: How I Saved the World From Destruction
    With a PowerBook) featured a Macintosh PowerBook 5300. This movie is
    where the Macintosh really shines. While the other computers performed
    adequately in their films, no other portable computer was able to save
    the world from alien desruction. Therefore, the PowerBook 5300 is our
    selection as the best portable computer of the group.
    Remember the old days when connecting to alien spaceships by
    modem took hours of confusing configuration, and was sometimes
    impossible because you lacked the proper drivers? With the PowerBook
    5300, that era has come to an end. Everything on it is preinstalled.
    Just point and click, and you are all set. Thanks to Apple's new
    technology, you can even use your modem to play Doom against alien
    lifeforms.
    Equally impressive is the fact that Apple seems to have
    eliminated the problem of screen freezes. Not once in the entire film
    did the computer freeze, forcing Jeff Goldblum to reboot. For me, this
    was even more unbelievable than the concept of aliens rom another planet
    coming down to Earth and trying to destroy the human race.
    If Goldblum had had to use my Macintosh, instead, the scene near
    the end in which he and Will Smith fly to the alien mothership to upload
    a computer virus may have turned out entirely different:
    GOLDBLUM: Okay, all we have to do is wait for it to upload the
    virus into the alien mothership. Oh, damn! It's stopped! The screen
    froze!
    SMITH: Don't be giving me none of that freeze stuff! I told you
    we should have used a PC!
    GOLDBLUM: It'll be okay. We just have to restart the computer.
    SMITH: We got three minutes.
    GOLDBLUM: Three minutes! I can't restart a Mac in three minutes!
    Aaaargh! We're all gonna die!
    At this point, the human race would have been destroyed, the
    movie would have ended, and audiences across the nation wouldn't have
    been as pleased. But the PowerBook 5300 in Independence Day saved the
    day, proving that Apple has again become a serious player. If you find
    yourself in a big-budget film in which the existence of the human race
    is in your hands, you have no choice but to buy the PowerBook 5300.




    Comments

    24 Things You Learn About Computers From the Movies


    1. Word processors never display a cursor.

    2. You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.

    3. All monitors display 2 inch high letters.

    4. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some
    such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical
    interfaces.

    5. Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command
    shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in
    plain English.

    6. Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by
    simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

    7. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by
    simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in
    computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke
    billows out of disk drives and monitors.

    8. All computers are connected. You can access the information on
    the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    9. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the
    screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the
    screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really*
    advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as
    the characters come across the screen.

    10. All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just
    underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
    flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that
    forces you backward. (See #7, above)

    11. People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving
    the data.

    12. A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world
    before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

    13. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

    14. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
    accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit
    data at two gigabytes per second.

    15. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the
    control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

    16. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file,
    it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a
    backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.

    17. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked
    for a password when you try to access it.

    18. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by
    any system you put it into. All application software is usable by
    all computer platforms.

    19. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However,
    everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't
    labelled.

    20. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
    three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics
    capability.

    21. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing
    real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a
    CRAY-MP.

    22. Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that
    it projects itself onto his/her face.

    23. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities.
    Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

    24. Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow
    down users.

    Comments

    Linux Case - Computer
    Comments





    For those of you not blessed/cursed by living on UNH campus, Telecomm
    has offered those of us in the dorms direct PPP lines. They connect
    to our serial ports and run at a nifty (for the dorms anyways) 38400.
    Of course, being the brilliant folks they are, they give you a 16 bit
    version of winsock ('Lose '95 won't do it's built in PPP thing
    through a serial port), so you can't run a lot of software. I
    managed to get the upgraded version for 32 bit connections, so it
    works swell now. The problem comes in when I tried to get my linux
    box hooked up.

    I got the ppp daemon compiled, the script written - everything seemed
    keen. The problem started when I tried running it. It connects - I
    can resolve host names, etc, but for some reason, data transfers
    REALLY slow for some things ... like telnet. You can't even telnet
    TO my machine at all. The weird thing is that ping works fine.

    My next move after playing with it for a while? Call the help desk!

    Here's how it went:



    (after waiting for about 20 minutes on hold)

    Supposed Tech: "Hi - how can I help you?"

    Me: "Hi - I'm trying to hook up my linux box via PPP and I'm running
    into some problems. It works fine under '95, but I can't seem to get
    it to connect right under linux. I can resolve hostnames and even
    ..."

    T: "Um, sir - what kind of computer is it?"

    Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."

    T: "Ok - what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?"

    * Slapping my forehead... *
    Me: "This is linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."

    T: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"

    * sigh *
    Me: "No - it's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under '95."
    (Well, after I upgraded to a 32 bit version on my own, anyways)

    T: "Well, have you tried running this program under '95 then?"

    * aggh!! *
    Me: "No - it IS an operating system. It doesn't run under another
    operating system."

    T: "Oh. Ok - so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?"

    (murdurous thoughts are beginning to go through my head)



    After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands
    that Winsock won't run under linux for some weird reason.



    Me: "So, can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"

    T: "Sure - I just need to get some info from you..."



    She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and
    brand, then we get interesting again.



    T: "Ok - so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows '95?"

    Me: "Neither - it's linux."

    T: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"

    (I'm sharpening my axe now...)

    Me: "Neither! It runs on it's own!"

    T: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only
    support Windows 3.1 and Windows '95."

    Me: "WHAT?!?"

    T: "Sorry - that's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day."

    <Click>



    So, does anybody know where we hire these people? 8)

    Comments



    How to know that you are in 2003:

    1-You accidentally enter your password on the
    microwave.

    2- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in
    years.

    3-. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach
    your family of 3.

    4-You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to
    you.

    5- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends
    is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

    6- When you go home after a long day at work you
    still answer the phone in a business manner.

    7- When you make phone calls from home, you
    accidentally dial "9" to get an
    outside line.

    8- You've sat at the same desk for four years and
    worked for three different companies

    10- You read this entire list, and kept nodding and
    smiling.

    11- As you read this list, you think about
    forwarding it to your "friends"

    12- You got this email from a friend that never
    talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from
    the net.

    13- You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9

    14- You actually scrolled back up to check that
    there wasn't a No.9 (Bet you all did this one!?!?!?)



    Have a nice Day

    Comments

    This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no
    screaming disc drives, just the kind of psychological torture that
    scars a man for life.

    I had a 9:00 meeting with my HP sales rep. I needed to buy an
    entire new series 70--the works. He said it would take about an hour.
    Three hours later, we'd barely gotten the datacomm hardware down on
    paper, so he invited me downstairs for lunch.

    This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service
    counter was a menu which began . . . .


    MMUs (Main Menu Units)

    00010A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
    Must order condiments 00110A separately

    001 Deletes seeds.
    002 Expands burger to two patties.

    00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese, bun and
    condiments.

    001 Add-on bacon.
    002 Delete second patty.
    003 Replaces second patty with extra cheese.

    00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

    001 From Single Burger.
    002 From Double Burger.
    003 Return credit for bun.

    00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

    001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.


    My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The
    waitress looked at me like I was an alien.

    "How would you like to order that, sir?" "Quickly, if possible.
    Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?" "No sir. All our
    service is menu driven. Now what would you like?" I scanned the
    menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?" "The patty is rated at eight
    bites." "Well, how about the rest of it?" "I don't have the specs on
    that, sir, but I think it's a bit more." "Eight bites is too small.
    Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

    My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option
    002 'expands burger to two patties.' The double burger upgrade
    would give you two burgers.

    "But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress
    chimed in, trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

    I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a
    couple in line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who
    nearly mowed me down in the parking lot with his cherry-red '62
    Vette. He was talking to some woman who was waving her arms around
    and looking very excited.

    "What if . . . we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable
    option and without the burger and cheese? It would be a BLT!"

    The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
    steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my
    attention again. "Have you decided, sir?"

    "Yeah, give me the double burger--excuse me, I mean the 00020A with
    the option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the
    Condiment Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and
    pickles with a option to substitute relish.

    "Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too." "That's
    not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted in
    again. "Thats not a supported configuration." "What now?" I kept my
    voice steady. "Too juicy. The bun can't handle it." "Look. Forget
    the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

    The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but
    thats not supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't
    fit in the box. The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first
    release." "It is being beta-tested, sir."

    I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110.
    French, followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English
    Fries?" I turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell
    a lot of them."

    I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
    confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is
    configured only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles.
    "No ma'am, he just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf." I
    wondered how long it had been on the shelf. I didn't ask.

    "Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh of relief. "Your
    meal is now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"
    "Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of
    the menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never
    forget.

    "Implementation assistance?"

    "You get a waiter."

    "Implementation analysis?"

    "You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

    "Response Center Support?"

    "He brings it to your table."

    "Extended materials?"

    "You get refills."

    I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She
    gave me my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it
    on my way to the table, and decided it would pass as an emergency
    napkin.

    Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He
    hadn't been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table
    waiter slouching in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at
    me and said, "Two weeks. But I can get you a stand alone chair by
    the window right away."

    I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups
    of chili and sauerkraut for a hot dog somebody else had ordered.
    The room began to grow dim, my eyesight faded . . . .

    I woke up clutching the water glass at my bedside table. It was
    five AM, four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I
    did what it told me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in
    sick.









    Seth Croston Barber <kn1ght@cyberis.net>
    Last modified: Wed Oct 06 13:29:35 PDT 1999



    Comments

    MSN Messenger Smilies - Computer
    Comments

    MS Word Clip - Computer
    Comments

    MS Word Doggy - Computer
    Comments

    MS Word Menu Tools - Computer
    Comments

    Make a Web Site for Me for Free - Computer
    Comments




    NAPSTER
    No longer A Possible Solution To Escape Record-buying

    TWAIN
    Technology Without Any Important Name

    PCMCIA
    People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

    ISDN
    It Still Does Nothing

    APPLE
    Arrogance Produces Profit Losing Entity

    SCSI
    System Cant See It

    DOS
    Defective Operating System

    BASIC
    Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control

    IBM
    I Blame Microsoft (or conversely "I Build Macs")

    DEC
    Do Expect Cuts

    CD-ROM
    Consumer Device-Rendered Obsolete in Months

    OS/2
    Obsolete Soon Too

    WWW
    World Wide Wait

    MACINTOSH
    Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

    PENTIUM
    Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathmatics

    COBOL
    Completely Obsolete Buisiness Oriented Language

    AMIGA
    A Merely Insignificant Gamers Addiction

    LISP
    Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

    MIPS
    Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

    WINDOWS
    Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

    MICROSOFT
    Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers



    Comments

    How are men like computers?

    They don't work until they're turned on.
    Comments

    Message From an ISP


    These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but
    highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service
    provider near you...


    DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I
    tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk...
    you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to
    answer it?
    DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me,
    genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have
    much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

    DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to.
    Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex
    number???

    DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood
    of "Hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss
    us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The
    day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic
    questions.

    DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally
    screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply
    telling it like it is.

    DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the
    intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you
    dredge out of the Internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

    We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or
    engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call
    the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE
    INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

    DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your
    connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year
    old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else
    connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just
    you.

    DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts
    on the content of our home page or to request that we send you
    flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo
    night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages
    just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

    DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe
    through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested
    on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo
    keepers.


    DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system
    and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and
    help you. We aren't technological psychics.

    DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is
    our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations,
    gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away
    with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us
    who caused it.

    DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know
    anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me,
    we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you
    called and announced "help, the Internet is broken!" Something
    here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call
    us.

    DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers
    and that you're doing us a favour by gracing us with your call.
    This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid
    suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous
    temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of
    destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that
    you'd notice.

    DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the
    meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're
    completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

    DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem
    like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying
    when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand
    every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be
    'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

    DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you
    something different than the first one did. If one of us tells
    you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is
    going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's
    screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and
    then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality
    of a house plant.

    DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't
    think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's
    come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must
    call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what
    you're on.


    Comments

    Mouse Balls


    This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to
    all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious.
    The rest of us may find it rather funny.

    Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

    Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse
    fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a
    ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
    procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by
    properly trained personnel.

    Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining
    the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and
    harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ
    depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be
    replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced
    using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static
    sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden
    discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be
    used immediately.

    It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
    for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any
    customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of
    removing these necessary items.

    To re-order, specify one of the following:

    P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls


    Comments


    There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

    The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

    The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

    Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe..."

    Comments

    Microsoft Hit Wizard - Computer
    Comments

    Microsoft Tech Support Award Winner - Computer
    Comments

    Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

    It has two bytes and no memory.
    Comments

    Modern Life Work Home Play Sleep - Computer
    Comments

    Mom Dad - Computer
    Comments

    Mom and Understanding Computers

    For years I badgered my mother with questions about whether Santa
    Claus is a real person or not. Her answer was always "Well, you asked
    for the presents and they came, didn't they?" I finally understood the
    full meaning of her reply when I heard the definition of a virtual
    device: "A software or hardware entity which responds to commands in
    a manner indistinguishable from the real device." Mother was telling
    me that Santa Claus is a virtual person (simulated by loving parents)
    who responds to requests from children in a manner indistinguishable
    from the real saint.

    Mother also taught the IF ... THEN ... ELSE structure: "If it's
    snowing, then put your boots on before you go to school;
    otherwise just wear your shoes."

    Mother explained the difference between batch and transaction
    processing:

    "We'll wash the white clothes when we get enough of them to make
    a load, but we'll wash these socks out right now by hand because
    you'll need them this afternoon."

    Mother taught me about linked lists. Once, for a birthday party,
    she laid out a treasure hunt of ten hidden clues, with each clue
    telling where to find the next one, and the last one leading to the
    treasure. She then gave us the first clue.

    Mother understood about parity errors. When she counted socks
    after doing the laundry, she expected to find an even number and
    groaned when only one sock of a pair emerged from the washing
    machine. Later she applied the principles of redundancy engineering to
    this problem by buying our socks three identical pairs at a time. This
    greatly increased the odds of being able to come up with at least one
    matching pair.

    Mother had all of the children write letters then mailed in a single
    envelope with a single stamp. This was obviously an instance of
    blocking records in order to save money by reducing the number
    of physical I/O operations.

    Mother used flags to help her manage the housework. Whenever she
    turned on the stove, she put a potholder on top of her purse to
    reminder herself to turn it off again before leaving the house.

    Mother knew about devices which raise an interrupt signal to be
    serviced when they have completed any operation. She had a
    whistling teakettle.

    Mother understood about LIFO ordering. In my lunch bag she put
    the dessert on the bottom, the sandwich in the middle, and the
    napkin on top so that things would come out in the right order
    at lunchtime.

    There is an old story that God knew He couldn't be physically
    present everywhere at once, to show His love for His people, and
    so He created mothers. That is the difference between centralized and
    distributed processing. As any kid who's ever misbehaved at a
    neighbor's house finds out, all the mothers in the neighborhood talk
    to each other. That's a local area network of distributed processors
    that can't be beat.

    Mom, you were the best computer teacher I ever had.



    Comments

    How can you tell if you have a moron computer operator working for
    you?

    Answer: Find the computer operator using white out on the monitor
    trying to erase the mistakes.
    Comments

    Is your computer male or female? As you are aware, ships have long
    been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes", or
    "She's listing to starboard, Captain!"). Recently, a group of computer
    scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
    referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion
    follow:

    1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other
    computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

    3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
    as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
    going totell you".

    4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
    later retrieval.

    5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. However, another
    group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers
    should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasonsfollow:

    1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

    2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
    they are the problem.

    3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
    waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

    4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

    5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
    Comments

    MS Auto


    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
    computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If G.M. had kept up
    with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
    twenty-five dollar cars that got one-thousand miles to the gallon." In
    response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating,
    "If G.M. had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving
    cars with the following characteristics:



    For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a
    new car.

    Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
    would just accept this, restart, and drive on.

    Occasionally, executing a manner such as a left turn, would cause your
    car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
    reinstall the engine.

    Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or
    "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
    times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would but would only run on
    five percent of the roads.

    The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be
    replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
    refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned
    the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    G.M. would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
    McNally road maps (now a G.M. subsidiary), even though they neither need
    them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause
    the car's performance to diminish by fifty percent or more. Moreover, G.M.
    would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

    Every time G.M. introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn
    how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in
    the same manner as the old car.

    You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.



    Comments

    If Microsoft Bought McDonalds


    Super Size 'upgrades' would be mandatory, if customers wanted to actually
    use the food to its fullest potential.

    We'd all have to buy new cars to use the McMicrosoft Drive-Thru.

    Upon hearing about a new burger about to be launched by Netscape King,
    McMicrosoft would 'preannounce' *their* new burger, even though its secret
    sauce is still in alpha.

    They'd steal recipes from Apple's employee cafeteria!

    Once a customer eats McMicrosoft food, trying to remove all traces of it
    from the digestive tract proves impossible.





    Comments

    Microsoft To Sell Ad Space in Error Messages


    Microsoft (Nasdaq: MSFT) announced that it
    is selling advertising space in the error messages
    that appear in Windows. Acknowledging for the
    first time that the average user of their
    operating system encounters error messages at
    least several times a day, Microsoft is trying to
    take financial advantage of the unavoidable
    opportunity to make an ad impression.

    "We estimate that throughout the world at
    any given moment several million people are
    getting a `General Protection Fault' or `Illegal
    Operation' warning. We will be able to generate
    significant revenue by including a short
    advertising message along with it," said Microsoft
    marketing director Nathan Mirror. He also
    mentioned that Microsoft is intended to add banner
    ads into its Blue Screen of Death in the near
    future.

    The Justice Department immediately
    indicated that they intend to investigate whether
    Microsoft is gaining an unfair advantage in
    reaching the public with this advertising by
    virtue of its semi-monopolistic control over error
    messages.



    Comments

    A Microsoft X-mas



    'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
    Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
    The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
    As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

    The stockings were hung by the modem with care
    In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
    The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
    While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

    PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
    And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
    The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
    To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

    Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
    Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
    All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
    To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

    After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
    St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
    With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
    And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
    From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
    In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
    The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
    Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

    No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
    No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
    Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
    With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
    From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

    More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
    And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
    "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
    Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

    It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
    It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
    Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
    And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

    Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
    And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
    To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
    Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

    And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
    Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
    When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
    The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
    As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
    The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
    As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
    My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

    And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
    Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
    And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
    Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.




    Comments

    Murphy's Laws of Computing


    1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to
    happen.

    2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer,
    it's probably obsolete.

    3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the
    manual where you least expect to find it.

    4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

    5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

    6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
    even more human, it is downright natural.

    7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

    8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

    9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
    evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

    10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

    11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely
    what you want to do.



    Comments

    Nazis - Computer
    Comments

    Net Snoop
    by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com


    "As computers and the Internet grow more prevalent, employers
    increasingly are using software to monitor workers' computer use.
    Employers say such surveillance is needed to cut down on-line loafing,
    to protect companies from potentially illegal or improper computer
    activities by workers, and even just to determine whether there is any
    problem of computer misuse." -- The Boston Globe


    To: All Staff
    From: Charles Endicott

    As many of you are aware, we have recently installed a new Net Snoop
    computer monitoring system to help us track employee Internet use. I
    want to assure you that we are using Net Snoop only to increase our
    productivity. While the system does allow me to view what is on your
    computer screen at all times, this in no way should be viewed as an
    invasion of privacy. It is merely an attempt to make our family here at
    Warburton's more successful than ever.

    To: Melissa March
    From: Charles Endicott

    Congratulations on your recent Minesweeper score of 163. That is very
    impressive indeed. However, while conducting a test of our new Net
    Snoop system, I did notice that you might be playing too much
    Minesweeper at work. In fact, yesterday you played all day, with only a
    break for lunch and another break in which to write a short e-mail to
    Raoul in Accounting entitled "Thanks for last night, STUD!!!" An
    occasional game of Minesweeper is fine, but it would be best to play
    only during your break time. Thank you.

    To: Max Travis
    From: Charles Endicott

    It was a delight meeting your son yesterday. However, I did notice that
    while you were at a meeting, he surfed to some very frightening web
    sites. One was for a singer called Marilyn Manson and was, I must say,
    deeply unsettling. I don't mean to accuse you of bad parenting; I just
    thought I should inform you so that you may take the appropriate
    disciplinary action.

    To: George Pedersen
    From: Charles Endicott

    While it is impressive that you have been able to download almost the
    entire Pamela Anderson video collection, I feel that this action is not at
    all appropriate in the workplace. From now on, Pedersen, please refrain
    from using company computers to view pornographic materials. Thank
    you.

    To Raoul Westerburg
    From: Charles Endicott

    It seems that your excessive online chatting may be a problem. Many of
    your messages seem quite racy for the office setting, and I think it is
    important that everyone remains fully clothed at all times during the
    workday. Also, from a review of your e-mail, it is apparent that you are
    involved romantically with at least three women and possibly one man in
    our office. There is no policy against this, but I do think it is important
    that something like this does not get out of hand. We certainly do not
    want this office to turn into a soap opera, and I hope that this can all be
    resolved without a scene.

    To: George Pedersen
    From: Charles Endicott

    Pedersen, I believe I have already warned you against viewing offensive
    materials. This extends to the use of e-mail as well. I must say that your
    latest e-mail joke about the cow was not at all amusing and in fact deeply
    disturbing. As you should know, such an activity can be quite painful
    for a cow, and I do not believe it is right for us to laugh at its misfortune.
    Furthermore, sending this out to a large number of people from a
    Warburton's e-mail address is completely unacceptable. I hope this will
    not happen again.

    To: Melissa March
    From: Charles Endicott

    Through Net Snoop, I was able to read several chapter of the new novel
    you are writing at work. I was very impressed, but I also feel that it would
    be best if you could refrain from writing this during work hours. Chapter
    Three, "Why Raoul is a two timing creep who deserves to die" was
    especially well written, though I am a little hurt by Chapter Six, "My boss
    is a big fat nosy bastard." If you are at all unhappy, I hope you will stop
    by my office so that we can discuss it. My door is always open.

    To: All Staff
    From: Samuel Warburton

    It is with great regret that I have asked for the resignation of Charles
    Endicott. He was in the past a very effective manager, but, since the
    introduction of our Net Snoop system, Charles has been greatly
    neglecting his work. During the last several weeks, he has not been
    performing his normal tasks at all; instead, he has merely been sitting in
    his office all day spying on other employees. I have decided it would be
    best to look for a replacement. I appreciate all your hard work and I know
    that we will be able to continue at our normal level of success
    throughout the coming transition. Thank you.





    Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin




    Comments

    >
    > ---HUSBAND - HAI DEAR,I AM LOGGED IN.
    >
    > ---WIFE - HAVE YOU BROUGHT THE DRESS.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME.
    >
    > ---WIFE - BUT I TOLD YOU ABOUT IT IN MORNING
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - ERRONEOUS SYNTAX, BORT,RETRY,CANCEL.
    >
    > ---WIFE - OH GOD !FORGET IT WHERE'S YOUR SALARY.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - FILE IN USE,READ ONLY,TRY AFTER SOME
    TIME.
    >
    > ---WIFE - ATLEAST GIVE ME YOUR CREDIT CARD,I CAN DO
    >SOME SHOPPING.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - SHARING VIOLATION,ACCESS DENIED.
    >
    > ---WIFE - I MADE A MISTAKE IN MARRING YOU.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - DATA TYPE MISMATCH.
    >
    > ---WIFE - YOU ARE USELESS.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - BY DEFAULT.
    >
    > ---WIFE - WHO WAS THERE WITH YOU IN THE CAR THIS
    MORNING.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - SYSTEM UNSTABLE,PRESS ,, >TO REBOOT.
    >
    > ---WIFE - WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SOME SNACKS
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - HARD DISK FULL.
    >
    > ---WIFE - WHAT IS THE RELATION BETWEEN YOU & YOUR
    RECEPTIONIST.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - THE ONLY USER WITH WRITE PERMISSION.
    >
    > ---WIFE - WHAT IS MY VALUE IN YOUR LIFE.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - UNKNOWN VIRUS DETECTED.
    >
    > ---WIFE - DO YOU LOVE ME OR YOUR COMPUTER.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - TOO MANY PARAMETERS.
    >
    > ---WIFE - I WILL GO TO MY DADS HOUSE.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - PROGRAM PERFORMED ILLEGAL OPERATION,IT
    >WILL CLOSE.
    >
    > ---WIFE - I WILL LEAVE YOU FOR EVER.
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - CLOSE ALL PROGRAMS & LOG OUT FOR
    ANOTHER >USER.
    >
    > ---WIFE - IT IS WORTHLESS TALKING TO YOU
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER.
    >
    > ---WIFE - I AM GOING
    >
    > ---HUSBAND - ITS NOW SAFE TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.
    >
    >

    Comments

    New Chinese MSN Messenger - Computer
    Comments

    New Mouse for Men - Computer
    Comments

    The NEW Microsoft Keyboard


    Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed
    specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the
    works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard,
    Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your
    Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set,
    so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far
    are:

    1) GPF key -- This key will instantly generate a General Protection
    Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose
    of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need
    to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

    2) $$ key -- When this key is pressed, money is transferred
    automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need
    for further action or third party intervention.

    3) ZD key -- This key was developed specifically for reviewers of
    Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative
    adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows
    within the file being edited.

    4) MS key -- This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing
    for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

    5) FUD key -- Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

    6) Chicago key -- Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

    7) IBM key -- Searches your hard disk for operating systems or
    applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is
    very effective at removing Netscape).

    8) MSN Key -- With a single keystroke you will install and setup the
    world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you
    thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

    9) RW95 Key -- Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's
    usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it
    easier?

    10) FDISK Key -- Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100%
    data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all
    know what it really stands for.




    Comments

    New Way to Print - Computer
    Comments

    Newsgroup Etiquette


    Q: How can I choose what groups to post in? ...
    Q: How about an example?

    A: Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from
    the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think
    rec.sport.hockey would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be
    interested. This is a big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it
    belongs in the news.* hierarchy as well. If you are a news admin, or
    there is one on your machine, try news.admin. If not, use news.misc.

    The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. He
    is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are
    also interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post
    to soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to
    news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of
    interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre
    as well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any
    articles there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article
    further.)
    -- Brad Templeton, Emily Postnews Answers Your
    Questions on Netiquette


    Comments

    The Night Before Y2K




    'Twas the night before Y2K,
    And all through the nation
    We awaited The Bug,
    The Millennium sensation.

    The chips were replaced
    In computers with care,
    In hopes that ol' Bugsy
    Wouldn't stop there.

    While some folks could think
    They were snug in their beds
    Others had visions
    Of dread in their heads.

    And Ma with her PC,
    And I with my Mac
    Had just logged on the Net
    And kicked back with a snack.

    When over the server,
    There arose such a clatter
    I called Mister Gates
    To see what was the matter.

    But he was away,
    So I flew like a flash
    Off to my bank
    To withdraw all my cash.

    When what with my wandering eyes
    Should I see?
    My good old Mac
    Looked sick to me.

    The hack of all hackers
    Was looking so smug,
    I knew that it must be
    The Y2K Bug

    His image downloaded
    In no time at all,
    He whistled and shouted,
    Let all systems fall

    Go Intel Go Gateway
    Now HP Big Blue
    Everything Compaq,
    And Pentium too

    All processors big,
    All processors small,
    Crash away Crash away
    Crash away all

    All the controls
    That planes need for their flights
    All microwaves, trains
    And all traffic lights.

    As I drew in my breath
    And was turning around,
    Out through the modem,
    He came with a bound.

    He was covered with fur,
    And slung on his back
    Was a sackful of virus,
    Set for attack.

    His eyes-how they twinkled
    His dimples-how merry
    As midnight approached, though
    Things soon became scary.

    He had a broad little face
    And a round little belly,
    And his sack filled with virus
    Quivered like jelly.

    He was chubby and plump,
    Perpetually grinning,
    And I laughed when I saw him
    Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

    A wink of his eye,
    And a twist of his head,
    Soon gave me to know
    A new feeling of dread.

    He spoke not a word,
    But went straight to his work,
    He changed all the clocks,
    Then turned with a jerk.

    With a twitch of his nose,
    And a quick little wink,
    All things electronic
    Soon went on the blink.

    He zoomed from my system,
    To the next folks on line,
    He caused such a disruption,
    Could this be a sign?

    Then I heard him exclaim,
    With a loud, hearty shout,
    Happy Y2K to you all,
    This is a helluva night




    Comments

    No Parking - Get Your Own Wireless Network - Computer
    Comments

    NOSMOKE.COM


    A guy calls tech support to report that his computer is faulty.
    Tech: What's the problem?
    User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
    Tech: You'll need a new power supply.
    User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.
    Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.
    User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup
    files and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell
    me the command.



    10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that they are right.
    The tech is frustrated and fed up.

    Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there
    is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
    User: I knew it!
    Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.
    Let me know how it goes.



    10 minutes later.

    User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.
    Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
    User: MS-DOS 6.22.
    Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come
    with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that
    will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.



    1 hour later.

    User: I need a new power supply.
    Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?
    User: Well, I called Microsoft and told him about what your said,
    and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
    Tech: Then what did he say?
    User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.







    Comments

    Office 1 - Computer
    Comments

    Office 2 - Computer
    Comments

    Office Assistant Suicide - Computer
    Comments

    Office Suzie - Computer
    Comments

    A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer.
    > >She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
    > >Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without
    > >blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died
    > >laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.
    Comments

    Passwords Tattoo - Computer
    Comments

    Perfume - Computer
    Comments

    Picture of Playstation sold on Ebay - Computer
    Comments


    The Programmers of Chelm
    A Tale So Good You Could Plotz

    by Lincoln Spector


    In Yiddish folklore, the village of Chelm is renowned as a town of fools
    -- a place where wisdom, learning, and inspiration need never be hampered
    by common sense. The people of Chelm can, therefore, be considered the
    spiritual ancestors of all software designers.



    One day, the programmers of Chelm decided to write a new database for the
    synagogue. "It must keep track of every family in Chelm," pointed out
    Shmul, who liked to think of himself as the project leader. "We need to
    know who's married to who, who are their children, and every first and
    second cousin."

    "I see," said Mendel. "It must be a relational database."

    "But who should we relate to who?" asked Moshe.

    "Well, I certainly don't want my son marrying your daughter," objected Avram.

    "Gentlemen, gentlemen," called out Shmul, "let's remember what we're here
    for. Now I say we need a table for men, a table for women, a table for
    families, and a table for children."

    "Does the rabbi get his own table?" asked Avram. Everyone agreed that he
    should, as he was wise.

    "What about the user interface?" asked Moshe.

    Everyone looked at Shmul. "There should definitely be one," he said.
    "Otherwise, who would use it?"

    "Yes, but should it have a speedbar, smart icons, or a floating toolbar?
    And what kind of help should it have?"

    "Does it need help?" asked Mendel. "Does not the Talmud say that we should
    study? Let us write documentation that scholars can pore over and discuss
    at length."

    But Moshe still wasn't satisfied. "What happens if Yussel and Shandel have
    another baby? How does Mordcha, the rabbi's best student, make note of
    that?"

    "Everyone knows what he does," answered Avram. "He writes it down on a
    piece of paper."

    "Which he then uses to wrap fish," added Mendel.

    "Yes, but what will he do when our system is complete?" Everyone agreed
    this was a very good question.

    It didn't take Shmul long to come up with an answer. "He'll turn on his
    computer, enter our database, and type in the name of the new baby."

    "But how will the database know that Yussel and Shandel are the parents?"

    "Don't be ridiculous," said Avram. "Chelm is a small village. Everyone
    knows everyone else. When there's a new baby, how can someone not know the
    parents?"

    "How do people know?" asked Mendel.

    "That's easy," Avram answered. "Before the baby is born, they can tell by
    looking at the father. Why can't our program do the same?"

    "Because a computer doesn't have eyes."

    "Ah!" cried Shmul. "The computer doesn't have eyes, but Mordcha does, and
    Mordcha can tell the computer everything he sees. And if he says `Yussel
    looks very happy' one day, and `There's a new baby in town' on the next,
    the program will figure it out."

    Mendel considered this. "Perhaps, but I don't like depending on Mordcha
    telling the computer everything he sees. If he forgets to tell the computer
    that he saw the rabbi eat, will the program think it's Yom Kippur? It would
    be better if we write a query routine that will help Mordcha find a family.
    After all, are we not programmers? Mordcha could run the query from the
    main menu, and that will bring him to a view of Yussel and Shandel's
    family."

    "Will he be able to enter a new baby from this view?" asked Moshe.

    "Of course not!" said Mendel. "For that, he'd need to go to the New Baby
    form, which he can get to from the main menu. So after he's executed a
    query and found Yussel and Shandel, he can click a button to go back to the
    main menu. From there, he can go to any part of the database he wants."

    Moshe, however, suspected a fatal flaw. "But if he leaves the query and
    goes back to the main menu, how will the computer know the new baby belongs
    to Yussel and Shandel?"

    This question so greatly troubled the programmers of Chelm that Avram was
    moved to ask, "Does Maimonides say anything about this?"

    "Ach," cried Moshe. "Who cares about Maimonides? He used COBOL!"

    Just then Shmul found the solution. "It's simplicity itself! We'll put a
    button on the New Baby form that will let Mordcha do a query on the family
    table. When he finds Yussel and Shandel, he can press the button that will
    bring him back to the main menu and from there, return to the New Baby
    form."

    "That's brilliant!" cried Moshe. Then he thought about it. "But when he
    goes back to the New Baby form, will the computer know that Yussel and
    Shandel are the parents?"

    "Of course not. But he can always push the query button again."

    Moshe wasn't too sure. "What if he doesn't like being part of an infinite loop?"

    "Loop, schmoop. He's studying to be a rabbi, isn't he? He needs to learn
    about the infinite."

    "I have a better idea," interjected Moshe. "We can simply make all the new
    babies belong to Yussel and Shandel."

    The programmers all agreed this was the best plan yet. They were
    congratulating themselves when Avram had a thought. "Oy vey! There's
    something we overlooked. What will Mordcha wrap his fish in?"

    Moshe laughed. "But that's so simple. We'll add an option for him to print
    a special report."

    Comments

    Warning: This list may be offensive to ardent feminists (ducking)

    by: Daniel J. Salomon Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

    There are so many programming languages available that it can be very difficult to get to know them all well enough to pick the right one for you. On the other hand most men know what kind of woman appeals to them. So here is a handy guide for many of the popular programming languages that describes what kind of women they would be if programming languages were women.

    Assembler--A female track star who holds all the world speed records. She is hard and bumpy, and so is not that pleasant to embrace. She can cook up any meal, but needs a complete and detailed recipe. She is not beautiful or educated, and speaks in monosyllables like "MOV, JUMP, INC." She has a fierce and violent temper that make her the choice of last resort.

    FORTRAN--Your grey-haired grandmother. People make fun of her just because she is old, but if you take the time to listen, you can learn from her experiences and her mistakes. During her lifetime she has acquired many useful skills in sewing and cooking (subroutine libraries). That no younger women can match, so be thankful she is still around. She has a notoriously bad temper and when angered will start yelling and throwing dishes. It was mostly her bad temper that made grandad search for another wife.

    COBOL--A plump secretary. She talks far too much, and most of what she says can be ignored. She works hard and long hours, but can't handle really complicated jobs. She has a short and unpredictable temper, so no one really likes working with her. She can cook meals for a huge family, but only knows bland recipes.

    BASIC--The horny divorcee that lives next door. Her specialty is seducing young boys and it seems she is always readily available for them. She teaches them many amazing things, or at least they seem amazing because it is their first experience. She is not that young herself, but because she was their first lover the boys always remember her fondly. Her cooking and sewing skills are mediocre, but largely irrelevant, it's the frolicking that the boys like. The opinion that adults have of Mrs. BASIC is varied. Shockingly, some fathers actually introduce their own sons to this immoral woman! But generally the more righteous adults try to correct the badly influenced young men by introducing them to well behaved women like Miss Pascal.

    PL/I--A bordello madam. She wears silk dresses, diamonds, furs and red high heels. At one time she seemed very attractive, but now she just seems overweight and tacky. Tastes change.

    C--A lady executive. An avid jogger, very healthy, and not too talkative. Is an good cook if you like spicy food. Unless you double check everything you say (through LINT) you can unleash her fierce temper. Her daughter C++ is still quite young and prone to tantrums, but it seems that she will grow up into a fine young woman of milder temper and more sophisticated character.

    ALGOL 60--Your father's wartime sweetheart, petite, well proportioned, and sweet tempered. She disappeared mysteriously during the war, but your dad still talks about her shapely form and their steamy romance. He never actually tasted much of her cooking.

    Pascal--A grammar school teacher, and Algol 60's younger sister. Like her sister she is petite and attractive, but very bossy. She is a good cook but only if the recipe requires no more than one pot (module).

    Modula II--A high-school teacher and Pascal's daughter. Very much like her mother, but she has learned to cook with more than one pot.

    ALGOL 68--Algol 60's niece. A high-society woman, well educated and terse. Few men can fully understand her when she talks, and her former lovers still discuss her mysterious personality. She is very choosy about her romances and won't take just any man as her lover. She hasn't been seen lately, and rumor has it that she died in a fall from an ivory tower.

    LISP--She is an aging beatnik, who lives in a rural commune with her hippie cousins SMALLTALK and FORTH. Many men (mostly college students) who have visited the farmhouse enthusiastically praise the natural food, and perpetual love-ins that take place there. Others criticize the long cooking times, and the abnormal sexual postures (prefix and postfix). Although these women seldom have full-time jobs, when they do work, their employers praise them for their imagination, but usually not for their efficiency.

    APL--A fancy caterer specializing in Greek food. She can cook delicious meals for rows and rows of tables with dozens of people at each table. She doesn't talk much, as that would just slow her work down. Few people can understand her recipes, since they are in a foreign language, and are all recorded in mirror writing.

    LOGO--A grade-school art teacher. She is just the kind of teacher that you wish you had when you were young. She is shapely and patient, but not an interesting conversationalist. She can cook up delicious kiddie snacks, but not full-course meals.

    LUCID & PROLOG--These clever teenagers show a new kind of cooking skill. They can cook-up fine meals without the use of recipes, working solely from a description of the desired meal (declarative cooking). Many men are fascinated by this and have already proposed marriage. Others complain that the girls work very slowly, and that often the description of the meal must be just as long as a recipe would be. It is hard to predict what these girls will be like when they are fully mature.

    Ada--A WAC colonel built like an amazon. She is always setting strict rules, but if you follow them, she keeps her temper. She is quite talkative, always spouting army regulations, and using obscure military talk. You gotta love her though, because the army says so.
    Comments


    Recursive Acronym or Self-Referral!

    elm: Electronic Mail [1982]
    pine: Pine Is Not Elm [1989]
    pico: Pine's Internal Composer [1993]
    nano: Milli Micro Pico Nano Femto [1999]
    femto: Feminist Tool [2003]
    GNU: GNU is Not Unix
    Emacs: Emacs Makes All Computers Slow
    LAME: LAME Ain't an MP3 Encoder
    MINT: MINT Is Not Term
    RPM: RPM Packe Manager

    EINE: EINE Is Not EMACS
    ZWEI: ZWEI Was EINE Initially
    LIAR: Liar Imitates Apply Recursively
    WINE: Wine Is Not an Emulator
    -- Not an emulator because it just re-routes the linux system calls to
    windows dlls :D (Thanks, "Murray Lewis" )
    PHP Hypertext Processor

    Send me yours!
    Comments

    # "Keyboard" - Place to hang your truck keys.
    # "Window" - Place in the truck to hang your guns.
    # "Floppy" - When you run out of Polygrip.
    # "Modem" - How you got rid of your dandelions.
    # "ROM" - Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
    # "Reboot" - What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
    # "Network" - Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
    # "Mouse" - Fuzzy, soft thing you stuffed in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
    # "LAN" - To borrow as in "Hel Delbert! LAN me yore truck."
    # "Cursor" - What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
    # "bit" - A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch longways."
    # "digital control" - What yore fingers do on the TV remote.
    # "packet" - What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.
    # "Hard Drive" - Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with three flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
    Comments

    Remember When ...



    A computer was something on TV
    from a science fiction show,
    A window was something you hated to clean...
    and Ram was the cousin of a goat..
    A byte was something you took when you ate,
    Meg was the name of my honey....
    Hardware was used to lock a door...
    Gig was a muscian's job for money.
    An application was for employment,
    A program was a TV show....
    A cursor used profanity,
    A keyboard was a piano.....
    Compress was something you did to garbage,
    Not something you did to a file...
    And if you unzipped anything in public
    You'd be in jail for a while.
    Log on was adding wood to a fire,
    Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived....
    A backup happened to your commode.
    Cut you did with a pocket knife,
    Paste you did with glue....
    A web was a spider's home
    And a virus was the flu.
    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
    and the memory in my head....
    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash...
    But when it happens they'll wish they were dead....




    Comments

    Restaurant Y2K

    You own a restaurant - a really fancy, big-name restaurant. You make boodles of money, because famous people come eat at your restaurant, the word gets around... besides, you trained at one of those big fancy French schools for cooks, so you've paid your dues. And you're Greek, that helps....

    Now, being a big fancy restaurant, you've got lots of bills to pay; food stocks, payroll, utility bills, and of course insurance. Big bill, that damn insurance, because being a big fancy restaurant, everyone and their mother sues you every time they trip over the edge of a rug, or burn their arm reaching over the candle on the table, or (glub forbid) wind up with food poisoning.

    But your insurance company pays.... they'd rather negotiate on those nuisance
    lawsuits than spend the time, and money, in court. Of course, your bill keeps
    going up and up, and up.... But hey, that's one of the costs of doing business,
    and being a big fancy restaurant, you understand and live with it.

    Now, you receive a letter from your insurance company, explaining a new wrinkle
    in the process. You check around, and all your other friends who own their own
    big fancy restaurants, and even the ones with smaller joints, have received similar letters. The insurance companies are explaining, in advance, about a claim that they will NOT be paying, so don't even bother sending it in. They expect many restaurants, at the end of the year, will be experiencing a problem with their walk-in refrigerator and freezer units, and they will not be responsible for the spoilage due to this problem.

    See where this is going yet?

    That's right folks, the insurance companies have been warning them since summer
    that they will not be responsible when and if the Y2K problem hits the major
    utilities, and power-outages become more common than cockroaches behind the stove.... well, not THIS stove, of course, because this is a big fancy restaurant.....

    Now, I don't really have too much of a problem with this... they gave them over
    6 months to get some kind of backup system on line, i.e. a generator or a couple tons of ice - whatever, your choice, just make sure it works... makes good business sense, for both parties.

    I heard this from a relative who helps out at the big fancy restaurant from
    time-to-time, so I can't really verify the accuracy of his statement.... but he said the insurance companies were declaring the Y2K problem AN ACT OF GOD!!!!




    Comments

    Romeo Juliet - Computer
    Comments

    What is the difference between sex and computers?

    With computers, the software goes into the hardware. With sex, the
    hardware goes into the software.
    Comments

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
    they don't have e-mail addresses.

    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
    anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
    screen.

    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
    first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
    you turn around to go and get it.

    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
    coffee.

    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
    message.

    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
    this list.

    AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


    Comments

    The Unofficial Smilie Dictionary
    (Just tilt your head to the left)


    :-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect
    a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear
    voice inflection over Unix.

    ;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or
    sarcastic remark. More of the "don't" hit me for what
    I just said" smilie.

    :-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement
    or is upset or depressed about something.

    :-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but
    not quite as good as a happy smilie.

    :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse
    than a :-).

    >:-> User just made a really devilish remark.

    >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just
    made




    Those are the basic ones ... Here are some somewhat less common ones:



    (-: User is left handed

    %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours
    straight

    :*) User is drunk

    [:] User is a robot

    8-) User is wearing sunglasses

    B:-) Sunglasses on head

    ::-) User wears normal glasses

    B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses

    8:-) User is a little girl

    :-)-8 User is a big girl

    :-{) User has a mustache

    :-(} User wears lipstick

    {:-) User wears a toupee

    }:-( Toupee in an updraft

    :-[ User is a vampire

    :-E Bucktoothed vampire

    :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing

    :-7 User just made a wry statement

    :-* User just ate something sour

    :-)* User drools

    :-*) User has a cold

    :-( User is crying

    :-) User is so happy, s/he is crying

    :-@ User is screaming

    :-# User wears braces

    :) User has a broken nose

    :V) User has broken nose, but its the other way

    :_) Users nose is sliding of his/her face

    :-& User is tongue tied

    =:-) User is a hosehead

    -:-) User is a punk rocker

    -:-( (real punk rockers dont smile)

    :=) User has two noses

    +-(:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious
    office

    `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning

    ,:-) Same thing ... other side

    |-I User is asleep

    |-O User is yawning

    :-Q User is a smoker

    :-? User smokes a pipe

    O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (Or else user is a scuba diver)

    O:-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)

    :-P Nyahhhh!

    :-S User just made an incoherent statement

    :-D User is laughing (at you!)

    :-X Users lips are sealed

    :-C User is really bummed

    <|-) User is Chinese

    <|=( User is Chinese and doesnt like these kind of jokes

    :-/ User is skeptical

    C=:-) User is a chef

    @= User is pro-nuclear war

    *<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus hat

    :-o Uh Oh!

    (8-O Its Mr. Bill!

    *:o) And Bozo the Clown!

    3:] Pet smile

    3:[ Mean pet smile

    d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat

    E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator

    :-9 User is licking his/her lips

    %-6 User is braindead

    [:-) User is wearing a walkman

    (:I User is an egghead

    <:-I User is a dunce

    K:P User is a little kid wearing a propeller beanie

    @:-) User is wearing a turban

    :-o No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)

    :-: Mutant Smilie

    The invisible smilie

    .-) User only has one eye

    ,-) User only has one eye ... but s/hes winking

    X-( User just died

    8 :-) User is a wizard

    @;^[) Elvis

    *<(:) Frosty the Snowman

    \
    8-] FDR

    7:-) Ronald Reagan

    /:-) Gumby

    @@@@@@@@:) Marge Simpson

    =):-)= Abe Lincoln

    [8-] Frankenstein

    ===:-D Don King

    :-)x Senator Paul Simon


    C=}>;*[)) Mega-Smilie .. A drunk, devilish chef with a
    toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double
    chin



    Note: A lot of these can be typed with out noses to make midget smilies.


    :) Midget smilie

    :] Gleep ... a friendly midget smilie who will gladly be your friend

    Comments

    A Guide to Software Revisions


    1.0:
    Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to
    release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and
    the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.

    1.1:
    We fixed all the killer bugs ...

    1.2:
    Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we
    had to fix them, too.

    2.0:
    We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you,
    it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

    2.1:
    Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes
    so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this
    time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were
    fixing these bugs.

    2.2:
    Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't
    believe how much trouble it caused!

    2.3:
    Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
    wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

    3.0:
    Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are
    really happy with this.

    3.1:
    Of course, we did break a few little things.

    4.0:
    More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need
    to get more memory and a faster processor ...


    Comments

    If Restaurants Functioned Like MICROSOFT


    Patron: Waiter!

    Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter.
    What seems to be the problem?

    Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

    Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

    Patron: No, it's still there.

    Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup;
    try eating it with a fork instead.

    Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

    Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl;
    what kind of bowl are you using?

    Patron: A SOUP bowl!

    Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration
    problem; how was the bowl set up?

    Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to
    do with the fly in my soup?!

    Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you
    noticed the fly in your soup?

    Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

    Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup
    of the Day?

    Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

    Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

    Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

    Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

    Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
    I'm running late now.

    Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and
    the check

    Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

    Patron: This is potato soup.

    Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

    Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

    Waiter leaves.

    Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!


    The check:
    Soup of the Day . ........... . . . $5.00
    Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . $2.50
    Access to support . . . . . . . . . . $10.00

    Comments



    SOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
    or
    DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW


    ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.

    ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.

    BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.

    NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.

    DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.

    EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.

    FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.

    FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.

    FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.

    HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.

    IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.

    MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.

    MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.

    PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.

    REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.

    SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.

    STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.

    UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.

    UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.

    YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.

    Comments

    (or defining computer terms from a "marketing point of view"

    # ALL NEW -- The software is not compatible with previous versions.
    # ADVANCED DESIGN -- Upper management doesn't understand it.
    # BREAKTHROUGH -- It nearly booted on the first try.
    # NEW -- It comes in different colors from the previous version.
    # DESIGN SIMPLICITY -- It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
    # EXCLUSIVE -- We're the only ones who have the documentation.
    # FIELD TESTED -- Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
    # FOOLPROOF OPERATION -- All parameters are hard coded.
    # FUTURISTIC -- It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
    # HIGH ACCURACY -- All the directories compare.
    # IT'S HERE AT LAST -- We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
    # MAINTENANCE FREE -- It's impossible to fix.
    # MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS -- It compiles without errors.
    # OPEN SYSTEMS -- Anything with our logo on it!

    Vendor dependent variations of the above definitions of open systems:

    # USL -- Pay us for the license - & it's open.
    # OSF -- Anything IBM& DEC can agree on must be open
    # Sun -- Give me an `s', give me a `p', give me an `a', give me an `r', give me a `c' - what have you got? OPEN!
    # Microsoft -- Open Systems? Isn't that a laxative?
    # IBM - Open systems? We have 13 of them. Which one do you want?
    # PERFORMANCE PROVEN -- It works through beta test.
    # REVOLUTIONARY -- The disk drives go round and round.
    # SATISFACTION GUARANTEED -- We'll send you another copy if it fails.
    # STOCK ITEM -- We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
    # UNMATCHED -- It's almost as good as the competition.
    # UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE -- Nothing ever ran this slow before.
    # YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT -- We finally got one to work.
    Comments

    What if Data Ran Windows98?

    WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
    PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of
    horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
    PICARD: Data, what's wrong here?
    DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
    memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select
    a lower resolution?
    PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears,
    with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center,
    which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the
    aliens in Space Invaders.]
    PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
    DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him,
    turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He
    punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several
    seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on
    the viewscreen.]
    WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
    PICARD: Shields up!
    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
    last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
    you issue your next command.
    PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want
    those shields up *right now.*
    DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
    last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
    you issue your next command.
    LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data
    removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
    DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to
    cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this
    communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any
    information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
    PICARD: Shields... [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes
    violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower
    of sparks erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing
    Wesley back away from the console.]
    PICARD: Up, Data!
    DATA: Aye, sir.
    RIKER: All decks, damage report!
    WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be
    unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his
    console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then
    puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
    DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
    PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
    Romulan ship.
    WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
    PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
    DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
    installed for that console.
    PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
    DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
    PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
    RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
    LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!
    PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
    memory?
    DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
    nostril.
    PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
    PICARD: Abort!
    DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
    PICARD: Well, fail, then!
    DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm,
    and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the
    Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a
    high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the
    ship.]
    LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
    PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
    RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
    for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person
    wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized
    in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the
    viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so
    on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights
    come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
    PICARD: What's going on?
    LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a
    General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
    PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
    anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears,
    and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A
    seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
    FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
    Captain?
    Comments





    Wed, 4 Sep 1996
    Mountain View, CA -- Sun Microsystems today filed a trademark
    infringement against the island of Java over the use of Sun's
    Java trademark.

    Responding to criticism that the island has been called Java for
    centuries, Sun lawyer Frank Cheatham said "Yeah, and in all that
    time they never filed for a trademark. They deserve to lose the
    name."

    Rather than pay the licensing fee, the island decided to change
    its name. They originally voted to change it to Visu Albasic, but
    an angry telegram from Redmond, Washington convinced them otherwise.
    The country finally settled on a symbol for a name -- a neatly-colored
    coffee cup which still evokes the idea of java. Since most
    newspapers and magazines will not be able to print the name of the
    island, it will hereafter be referred to in print as "The Island
    Formerly Known As Java".

    The Island Formerly Known As Java bills itself as a cross-landmass
    island, but so far has only been implemented in production on the
    Malay Archipelago. Africa is been rumored to have implemented it
    on Madagascar, but it is still in alpha testing.

    Lawyers from Sun would also like to locate the owners of the huge
    fiery ball at the center of the solar system. They have some legal
    papers for them..

    Comments

    System Problem Report


    This is a form to make the reporting of problems consistent, allow
    records of problems to be kept, and a method of discouraging users
    from reporting faults in the first place.

    1. Your Name: __________________________
    2. Your Login Name: ____________________
    3. The date? __/__/__
    4. The date the problem first occurred if different? __/__/__
    5. Problem severity:
    Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___ Minor ___
    6. Which machine?
    7. Which are appears to be at fault?
    Communications ___ Disk ___ Base Unit ___
    Network ___ Keyboard ___ Screen ___
    Mouse ___ Everything ___ Don't Know ___
    7.1 Is it plugged in? Yes___ No ___
    7.2 Is it switched on? Yes___ No ___
    7.3 Has it been stolen? Yes___ No ___
    7.4 Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes___ No ___
    7.4.1 Have you made it worse? Yes___ No ___
    7.5 Have you read the manual? Yes___ No ___
    7.5.1 Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
    7.5.2 Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? Yes___ No ___
    7.6 Did you understand it? Yes___ No ___
    7.6.1 If 'Yes", then why can't you fix it yourself? ________________
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.7 Is the equipment unexpectedly noisy? Yes___ No ___
    7.7.1 If 'Yes", what sort of noise?
    Grinding ___ Rattling ___
    Whirring ___ High Pitched Whine ___
    Sound of disk head scouring disk ___
    Strange, out of tune whistling or humming ___
    7.8 Is there a smell of burning? Yes___ No ___
    7.8.1 If "Yes", is the equipment on fire? Yes___ No ___
    7.9 Is the fault repeatable? Yes___ No ___
    7.10 What were you doing (with the equipment) at the time the fault
    occurred?
    ______________________________________________________________
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.10.1 If 'Nothing', explain why you were logged in.
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.12 Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem?
    Yes___ No ___
    7.13 Describe the problem _________________________________________
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.14 Now, describe the problem accurately _________________________
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.15 Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem ______________
    ______________________________________________________________
    ______________________________________________________________
    7.16 Can't you do something else, rather than bothering me?
    Yes___ No ___

    Comments

    Technical Support Recipe: Butter Your Disk Drive


    Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk,
    and now my A drive won't work."

    Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

    Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
    my drive, now it won't work at all."

    Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error
    messages did you get?"

    Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
    and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
    out and that didn't work either."

    Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

    Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
    wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

    Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

    Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
    turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and
    that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I
    can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

    Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A drive
    and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

    ( At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the
    other techs to listen in.)

    Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
    you just said?"

    Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out,
    then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

    Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
    the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
    button?"

    ( Silence. )

    Tech Support: "Sir?"

    Customer: "Yes."

    Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

    Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going
    to sue you for breaking my computer!"

    Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
    because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the
    instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
    didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer
    properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter into the drive and
    physically rip the disk out?"

    Customer: "Ummmm."

    Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record
    every call and have it on tape?"

    Customer: ( now rather humbled ) "But you're supposed to help!"

    Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
    Have a nice day!"



    Comments





    Austin, Texas,


    An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
    her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
    plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
    the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
    pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
    computer's mouse.


    Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
    brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
    plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something
    to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power
    switch, she asked "What power switch?"


    Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
    "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
    "Any" key is.


    AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
    was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out
    to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.


    Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
    that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
    diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
    diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the
    diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.


    Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.


    A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
    floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked
    the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up
    and crossing the room to close the door to his room.


    Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
    to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
    technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
    by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
    key.


    Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
    Dell tech referred him to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
    couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
    software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a
    couple of geeks."


    Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard
    no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with
    soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all
    the keys and washing them individually.


    A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
    enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an
    invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
    responses shouldn't be taken personally.

    Comments

    Technology Age - Computer
    Comments

    Technology for Country Folks - Computer
    Comments


    In opening the session, NarayanaMurthy(Infosys)
    mentioned a
    hypothetical situation where 20 executives
    board an airplane and are told that the
    flight that they are about to take is the
    first-ever to feature pilotless technology:

    It is an uncrewed aircraft.

    Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately,
    that their company's software is running
    the aircraft's automatic pilot system.

    Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft,
    each offering a different type of excuse.

    One CEO alone remains on board the jet, seeming
    very calm indeed. Asked why he is so confident in this
    first uncrewed flight, he replies: "If it's the
    same software that runs my company's IT systems,
    this plane won't even take off."

    Comments

    One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
    guess I should see a doctor."

    "Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
    anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of
    your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you
    what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

    Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to
    the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and
    deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and
    various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a
    small slip of paper on which was printed:

    "You have tennis elbow.
    Soak your arm in warm water.
    Avoid heavy lifting.
    It will be better in two weeks."

    Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
    was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
    wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
    He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and
    urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he
    masturbated into the concoction.

    He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the
    sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise
    and printed out the following message:

    "Your tap water is too hard.
    Get a water softener.
    Your dog has worms.
    Get him vitamins.
    Your daughter's using cocaine.
    Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
    Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
    They aren't yours.
    Get a lawyer.

    And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
    better."
    Comments

    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want. Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess, that Ill stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?

    The man said, Look, Im a computer programmer. I dont have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.


    Comments

    The Best Anti Virus You May Ever Buy - Computer
    Comments


    THE HACKER TEST - Version 1.0

    Preface: 06.16.89

    This test was conceived and written by Felix Lee, John Hayes and Angela
    Thomas at the end of the spring semester, 1989. It has gone through
    many revisions prior to this initial release, and will undoubtedly go
    through many more.


    (Herewith a compendium of fact and folklore about computer hackerdom,
    cunningly disguised as a test.)


    Scoring - Count 1 for each item that you have done, or each
    question that you can answer correctly.


    If you score is between: You are

    0x000 and 0x010 -> Computer Illiterate
    0x011 and 0x040 -> a User
    0x041 and 0x080 -> an Operator
    0x081 and 0x0C0 -> a Nerd
    0x0C1 and 0x100 -> a Hacker
    0x101 and 0x180 -> a Guru
    0x181 and 0x200 -> a Wizard

    Note: If you don't understand the scoring, stop here.


    And now for the questions...


    0001 Have you ever used a computer?
    0002 ... for more than 4 hours continuously?
    0003 ... more than 8 hours?
    0004 ... more than 16 hours?
    0005 ... more than 32 hours?

    0006 Have you ever patched paper tape?

    0007 Have you ever missed a class while programming?
    0008 ... Missed an examination?
    0009 ... Missed a wedding?
    0010 ... Missed your own wedding?

    0011 Have you ever programmed while intoxicated?
    0012 ... Did it make sense the next day?

    0013 Have you ever written a flight simulator?

    0014 Have you ever voided the warranty on your equipment?

    0015 Ever change the value of 4?
    0016 ... Unintentionally?
    0017 ... In a language other than Fortran?

    0018 Do you use DWIM to make life interesting?

    0019 Have you named a computer?

    0020 Do you complain when a "feature" you use gets fixed?

    0021 Do you eat slime-molds?

    0022 Do you know how many days old you are?

    0023 Have you ever wanted to download pizza?

    0024 Have you ever invented a computer joke?
    0025 ... Did someone not 'get' it?

    0026 Can you recite Jabberwocky?
    0027 ... Backwards?

    0028 Have you seen "Donald Duck in Mathemagic Land"?

    0029 Have you seen "Tron"?

    0030 Have you seen "Wargames"?

    0031 Do you know what ASCII stands for?
    0032 ... EBCDIC?

    0033 Can you read and write ASCII in hex or octal?
    0034 Do you know the names of all the ASCII control codes?

    0035 Can you read and write EBCDIC in hex?

    0036 Can you convert from EBCDIC to ASCII and vice versa?

    0037 Do you know what characters are the same in both ASCII and EBCDIC?

    0038 Do you know maxint on your system?

    0039 Ever define your own numerical type to get better precision?

    0040 Can you name powers of two up to 2**16 in arbitrary order?
    0041 ... up to 2**32?
    0042 ... up to 2**64?

    0043 Can you read a punched card, looking at the holes?
    0044 ... feeling the holes?

    0045 Have you ever patched binary code?
    0046 ... While the program was running?

    0047 Have you ever used program overlays?

    0048 Have you met any IBM vice-president?
    0049 Do you know Dennis, Bill, or Ken?

    0050 Have you ever taken a picture of a CRT?
    0051 Have you ever played a videotape on your CRT?

    0052 Have you ever digitized a picture?

    0053 Did you ever forget to mount a scratch monkey?

    0054 Have you ever optimized an idle loop?

    0055 Did you ever optimize a bubble sort?

    0056 Does your terminal/computer talk to you?

    0057 Have you ever talked into an acoustic modem?
    0058 ... Did it answer?

    0059 Can you whistle 300 baud?
    0060 ... 1200 baud?

    0061 Can you whistle a telephone number?

    0062 Have you witnessed a disk crash?
    0063 Have you made a disk drive "walk"?

    0064 Can you build a puffer train?
    0065 ... Do you know what it is?

    0066 Can you play music on your line printer?
    0067 ... Your disk drive?
    0068 ... Your tape drive?

    0069 Do you have a Snoopy calendar?
    0070 ... Is it out-of-date?

    0071 Do you have a line printer picture of...
    0072 ... the Mona Lisa?
    0073 ... the Enterprise?
    0074 ... Einstein?
    0075 ... Oliver?
    0076 Have you ever made a line printer picture?

    0077 Do you know what the following stand for?
    0078 ... DASD
    0079 ... Emacs
    0080 ... ITS
    0081 ... RSTS/E
    0082 ... SNA
    0083 ... Spool
    0084 ... TCP/IP

    Have you ever used
    0085 ... TPU?
    0086 ... TECO?
    0087 ... Emacs?
    0088 ... ed?
    0089 ... vi?
    0090 ... Xedit (in VM/CMS)?
    0091 ... SOS?
    0092 ... EDT?
    0093 ... Wordstar?

    0094 Have you ever written a CLIST?

    Have you ever programmed in
    0095 ... the X windowing system?
    0096 ... CICS?

    0097 Have you ever received a Fax or a photocopy of a floppy?

    0098 Have you ever shown a novice the "any" key?
    0099 ... Was it the power switch?

    Have you ever attended
    0100 ... Usenix?
    0101 ... DECUS?
    0102 ... SHARE?
    0103 ... SIGGRAPH?
    0104 ... NetCon?

    0105 Have you ever participated in a standards group?

    0106 Have you ever debugged machine code over the telephone?

    0107 Have you ever seen voice mail?
    0108 ... Can you read it?

    0109 Do you solve word puzzles with an on-line dictionary?

    0110 Have you ever taken a Turing test?
    0111 ... Did you fail?

    0112 Ever drop a card deck?
    0113 ... Did you successfully put it back together?
    0114 ... Without looking?

    0115 Have you ever used IPCS?

    0116 Have you ever received a case of beer with your computer?

    0117 Does your computer come in 'designer' colors?

    0118 Ever interrupted a UPS?

    0119 Ever mask an NMI?

    0120 Have you ever set off a Halon system?
    0121 ... Intentionally?
    0122 ... Do you still work there?

    0123 Have you ever hit the emergency power switch?
    0124 ... Intentionally?

    0125 Do you have any defunct documentation?
    0126 ... Do you still read it?

    0127 Ever reverse-engineer or decompile a program?
    0128 ... Did you find bugs in it?

    0129 Ever help the person behind the counter with their terminal/computer?

    0130 Ever tried rack mounting your telephone?

    0131 Ever thrown a computer from more than two stories high?

    0132 Ever patched a bug the vendor does not acknowledge?

    0133 Ever fix a hardware problem in software?
    0134 ... Vice versa?

    0135 Ever belong to a user/support group?

    0136 Ever been mentioned in Computer Recreations?

    0137 Ever had your activities mentioned in the newspaper?
    0138 ... Did you get away with it?

    0139 Ever engage a drum brake while the drum was spinning?

    0140 Ever write comments in a non-native language?

    0141 Ever physically destroy equipment from software?

    0142 Ever tried to improve your score on the Hacker Test?

    0143 Do you take listings with you to lunch?
    0144 ... To bed?

    0145 Ever patch a microcode bug?
    0146 ... around a microcode bug?

    0147 Can you program a Turing machine?

    0148 Can you convert postfix to prefix in your head?

    0149 Can you convert hex to octal in your head?

    0150 Do you know how to use a Kleene star?

    0151 Have you ever starved while dining with philosophers?

    0152 Have you solved the halting problem?
    0153 ... Correctly?

    0154 Ever deadlock trying eating spaghetti?

    0155 Ever written a self-reproducing program?

    0156 Ever swapped out the swapper?

    0157 Can you read a state diagram?
    0158 ... Do you need one?

    0159 Ever create an unkillable program?
    0160 ... Intentionally?

    0161 Ever been asked for a cookie?

    0162 Ever speed up a system by removing a jumper?

    * Do you know...

    0163 Do you know who wrote Rogue?
    0164 ... Rogomatic?

    0165 Do you know Gray code?

    0166 Do you know what HCF means?
    0167 ... Ever use it?
    0168 ... Intentionally?

    0169 Do you know what a lace card is?
    0170 ... Ever make one?

    0171 Do you know the end of the epoch?
    0172 ... Have you celebrated the end of an epoch?
    0173 ... Did you have to rewrite code?

    0174 Do you know the difference between DTE and DCE?

    0175 Do you know the RS-232C pinout?
    0176 ... Can you wire a connector without looking?

    * Do you have...

    0177 Do you have a copy of Dec Wars?
    0178 Do you have the Canonical Collection of Lightbulb Jokes?
    0179 Do you have a copy of the Hacker's dictionary?
    0180 ... Did you contribute to it?

    0181 Do you have a flowchart template?
    0182 ... Is it unused?

    0183 Do you have your own fortune-cookie file?

    0184 Do you have the Anarchist's Cookbook?
    0185 ... Ever make anything from it?

    0186 Do you own a modem?
    0187 ... a terminal?
    0188 ... a toy computer?
    0189 ... a personal computer?
    0190 ... a minicomputer?
    0191 ... a mainframe?
    0192 ... a supercomputer?
    0193 ... a hypercube?
    0194 ... a printer?
    0195 ... a laser printer?
    0196 ... a tape drive?
    0197 ... an outmoded peripheral device?

    0198 Do you have a programmable calculator?
    0199 ... Is it RPN?

    0200 Have you ever owned more than 1 computer?
    0201 ... 4 computers?
    0202 ... 16 computers?

    0203 Do you have a SLIP line?
    0204 ... a T1 line?

    0205 Do you have a separate phone line for your terminal/computer?
    0206 ... Is it legal?

    0207 Do you have core memory?
    0208 ... drum storage?
    0209 ... bubble memory?

    0210 Do you use more than 16 megabytes of disk space?
    0211 ... 256 megabytes?
    0212 ... 1 gigabyte?
    0213 ... 16 gigabytes?
    0214 ... 256 gigabytes?
    0215 ... 1 terabyte?

    0216 Do you have an optical disk/disk drive?

    0217 Do you have a personal magnetic tape library?
    0218 ... Is it unlabelled?

    0219 Do you own more than 16 floppy disks?
    0220 ... 64 floppy disks?
    0221 ... 256 floppy disks?
    0222 ... 1024 floppy disks?

    0223 Do you have any 8-inch disks?

    0224 Do you have an internal stack?

    0225 Do you have a clock interrupt?

    0226 Do you own volumes 1 to 3 of _The Art of Computer Programming_?
    0227 ... Have you done all the exercises?
    0228 ... Do you have a MIX simulator?
    0229 ... Can you name the unwritten volumes?

    0230 Can you quote from _The Mythical Man-month_?
    0231 ... Did you participate in the OS/360 project?

    0232 Do you have a TTL handbook?

    0233 Do you have printouts more than three years old?

    * Career

    0234 Do you have a job?
    0235 ... Have you ever had a job?
    0236 ... Was it computer-related?

    0237 Do you work irregular hours?

    0238 Have you ever been a system administrator?

    0239 Do you have more megabytes than megabucks?

    0240 Have you ever downgraded your job to upgrade your processing power?

    0241 Is your job secure?
    0242 ... Do you have code to prove it?

    0243 Have you ever had a security clearance?

    * Games

    0244 Have you ever played Pong?

    Have you ever played
    0246 ... Spacewar?
    0247 ... Star Trek?
    0248 ... Wumpus?
    0249 ... Lunar Lander?
    0250 ... Empire?

    Have you ever beaten
    0251 ... Moria 4.8?
    0252 ... Rogue 3.6?
    0253 ... Rogue 5.3?
    0254 ... Larn?
    0255 ... Hack 1.0.3?
    0256 ... Nethack 2.4?

    0257 Can you get a better score on Rogue than Rogomatic?

    0258 Have you ever solved Adventure?
    0259 ... Zork?

    0260 Have you ever written any redcode?

    0261 Have you ever written an adventure program?
    0262 ... a real-time game?
    0263 ... a multi-player game?
    0264 ... a networked game?

    0265 Can you out-doctor Eliza?

    * Hardware

    0266 Have you ever used a light pen?
    0267 ... did you build it?

    Have you ever used
    0268 ... a teletype?
    0269 ... a paper tape?
    0270 ... a decwriter?
    0271 ... a card reader/punch?
    0272 ... a SOL?

    Have you ever built
    0273 ... an Altair?
    0274 ... a Heath/Zenith computer?

    Do you know how to use
    0275 ... an oscilliscope?
    0276 ... a voltmeter?
    0277 ... a frequency counter?
    0278 ... a logic probe?
    0279 ... a wirewrap tool?
    0280 ... a soldering iron?
    0281 ... a logic analyzer?

    0282 Have you ever designed an LSI chip?
    0283 ... has it been fabricated?

    0284 Have you ever etched a printed circuit board?

    * Historical

    0285 Have you ever toggled in boot code on the front panel?
    0286 ... from memory?

    0287 Can you program an Eniac?

    0288 Ever seen a 90 column card?

    * IBM

    0289 Do you recite IBM part numbers in your sleep?
    0290 Do you know what IBM part number 7320154 is?

    0291 Do you understand 3270 data streams?

    0292 Do you know what the VM privilege classes are?

    0293 Have you IPLed an IBM off the tape drive?
    0294 ... off a card reader?

    0295 Can you sing something from the IBM Songbook?

    * Languages

    0296 Do you know more than 4 programming languages?
    0297 ... 8 languages?
    0298 ... 16 languages?
    0299 ... 32 languages?

    0300 Have you ever designed a programming language?

    0301 Do you know what Basic stands for?
    0302 ... Pascal?

    0303 Can you program in Basic?
    0304 ... Do you admit it?

    0305 Can you program in Cobol?
    0306 ... Do you deny it?

    0307 Do you know Pascal?
    0308 ... Modula-2?
    0309 ... Oberon?
    0310 ... More that two Wirth languages?
    0311 ... Can you recite a Nicklaus Wirth joke?

    0312 Do you know Algol-60?
    0313 ... Algol-W?
    0314 ... Algol-68?
    0315 ... Do you understand the Algol-68 report?
    0316 ... Do you like two-level grammars?

    0317 Can you program in assembler on 2 different machines?
    0318 ... on 4 different machines?
    0319 ... on 8 different machines?

    Do you know
    0320 ... APL?
    0321 ... Ada?
    0322 ... BCPL?
    0323 ... C++?
    0324 ... C?
    0325 ... Comal?
    0326 ... Eiffel?
    0327 ... Forth?
    0328 ... Fortran?
    0329 ... Hypertalk?
    0330 ... Icon?
    0331 ... Lisp?
    0332 ... Logo?
    0333 ... MIIS?
    0334 ... MUMPS?
    0335 ... PL/I?
    0336 ... Pilot?
    0337 ... Plato?
    0338 ... Prolog?
    0339 ... RPG?
    0340 ... Rexx (or ARexx)?
    0341 ... SETL?
    0342 ... Smalltalk?
    0343 ... Snobol?
    0344 ... VHDL?
    0345 ... any assembly language?

    0346 Can you talk VT-100?
    0347 ... Postscript?
    0348 ... SMTP?
    0349 ... UUCP?
    0350 ... English?

    * Micros

    0351 Ever copy a copy-protected disk?
    0352 Ever create a copy-protection scheme?

    0353 Have you ever made a "flippy" disk?

    0354 Have you ever recovered data from a damaged disk?

    0355 Ever boot a naked floppy?

    * Networking

    0356 Have you ever been logged in to two different timezones at once?

    0357 Have you memorized the UUCP map for your country?
    0358 ... For any country?

    0359 Have you ever found a sendmail bug?
    0360 ... Was it a security hole?

    0361 Have you memorized the HOSTS.TXT table?
    0362 ... Are you up to date?

    0363 Can you name all the top-level nameservers and their addresses?

    0364 Do you know RFC-822 by heart?
    0365 ... Can you recite all the errors in it?

    0366 Have you written a Sendmail configuration file?
    0367 ... Does it work?
    0368 ... Do you mumble "defocus" in your sleep?

    0369 Do you know the max packet lifetime?

    * Operating systems

    Can you use
    0370 ... BSD Unix?
    0371 ... non-BSD Unix?
    0372 ... AIX
    0373 ... VM/CMS?
    0374 ... VMS?
    0375 ... MVS?
    0376 ... VSE?
    0377 ... RSTS/E?
    0378 ... CP/M?
    0379 ... COS?
    0380 ... NOS?
    0381 ... CP-67?
    0382 ... RT-11?
    0383 ... MS-DOS?
    0384 ... Finder?
    0385 ... PRODOS?
    0386 ... more than one OS for the TRS-80?
    0387 ... Tops-10?
    0388 ... Tops-20?
    0389 ... OS-9?
    0390 ... OS/2?
    0391 ... AOS/VS?
    0392 ... Multics?
    0393 ... ITS?
    0394 ... Vulcan?

    0395 Have you ever paged or swapped off a tape drive?
    0396 ... Off a card reader/punch?
    0397 ... Off a teletype?
    0398 ... Off a networked (non-local) disk?

    0399 Have you ever found an operating system bug?
    0400 ... Did you exploit it?
    0401 ... Did you report it?
    0402 ... Was your report ignored?

    0403 Have you ever crashed a machine?
    0404 ... Intentionally?

    * People

    0405 Do you know any people?
    0406 ... more than one?
    0407 ... more than two?

    * Personal

    0408 Are your shoelaces untied?

    0409 Do you interface well with strangers?

    0410 Are you able to recite phone numbers for half-a-dozen computer systems
    but unable to recite your own?

    0411 Do you log in before breakfast?

    0412 Do you consume more than LD-50 caffeine a day?

    0413 Do you answer either-or questions with "yes"?

    0414 Do you own an up-to-date copy of any operating system manual?
    0415 ... *every* operating system manual?

    0416 Do other people have difficulty using your customized environment?

    0417 Do you dream in any programming languages?

    0418 Do you have difficulty focusing on three-dimensional objects?

    0419 Do you ignore mice?

    0420 Do you despise the CAPS LOCK key?

    0421 Do you believe menus belong in restaurants?

    0422 Do you have a Mandelbrot hanging on your wall?

    0423 Have you ever decorated with magnetic tape or punched cards?
    0424 Do you have a disk platter or a naked floppy hanging in your home?

    0425 Have you ever seen the dawn?
    0426 ... Twice in a row?

    0427 Do you use "foobar" in daily conversation?
    0428 ... "bletch"?

    0429 Do you use the "P convention"?

    0430 Do you automatically respond to any user question with RTFM?
    0431 ... Do you know what it means?

    0432 Do you think garbage collection means memory management?

    0433 Do you have problems allocating horizontal space in your room/office?

    0434 Do you read Scientific American in bars to pick up women?

    0435 Is your license plate computer-related?

    0436 Have you ever taken the Purity test?

    0437 Ever have an out-of-CPU experience?

    0438 Have you ever set up a blind date over the computer?

    0439 Do you talk to the person next to you via computer?

    * Programming

    0440 Can you write a Fortran compiler?
    0441 ... In TECO?

    0442 Can you read a machine dump?
    0443 Can you disassemble code in your head?

    Have you ever written
    0444 ... a compiler?
    0445 ... an operating system?
    0446 ... a device driver?
    0447 ... a text processor?
    0448 ... a display hack?
    0449 ... a database system?
    0450 ... an expert system?
    0451 ... an edge detector?
    0452 ... a real-time control system?
    0453 ... an accounting package?
    0454 ... a virus?
    0455 ... a prophylactic?

    0456 Have you ever written a biorhythm program?
    0457 ... Did you sell the output?
    0458 ... Was the output arbitrarily invented?

    0459 Have you ever computed pi to more than a thousand decimal places?
    0460 ... the number e?

    0461 Ever find a prime number of more than a hundred digits?

    0462 Have you ever written self-modifying code?
    0463 ... Are you proud of it?

    0464 Did you ever write a program that ran correctly the first time?
    0465 ... Was it longer than 20 lines?
    0466 ... 100 lines?
    0467 ... Was it in assembly language?
    0468 ... Did it work the second time?

    0469 Can you solve the Towers of Hanoi recursively?
    0470 ... Non-recursively?
    0471 ... Using the Troff text formatter?

    0472 Ever submit an entry to the Obfuscated C code contest?
    0473 ... Did it win?
    0474 ... Did your entry inspire a new rule?

    0475 Do you know Duff's device?

    0476 Do you know Jensen's device?

    0477 Ever spend ten minutes trying to find a single-character error?
    0478 ... More than an hour?
    0479 ... More than a day?
    0480 ... More than a week?
    0481 ... Did the first person you show it to find it immediately?

    * Unix

    0482 Can you use Berkeley Unix?
    0483 .. Non-Berkeley Unix?

    0484 Can you distinguish between sections 4 and 5 of the Unix manual?

    0485 Can you find TERMIO in the System V release 2 documentation?

    0486 Have you ever mounted a tape as a Unix file system?

    0487 Have you ever built Minix?

    0488 Can you answer "quiz function ed-command" correctly?
    0489 ... How about "quiz ed-command function"?

    * Usenet

    0490 Do you read news?
    0491 ... More than 32 newsgroups?
    0492 ... More than 256 newsgroups?
    0493 ... All the newsgroups?

    0494 Have you ever posted an article?
    0495 ... Do you post regularly?

    0496 Have you ever posted a flame?
    0497 ... Ever flame a cross-posting?
    0498 ... Ever flame a flame?
    0499 ... Do you flame regularly?

    0500 Ever have your program posted to a source newsgroup?

    0501 Ever forge a posting?
    0502 Ever form a new newsgroup?
    0503 ... Does it still exist?

    0504 Do you remember
    0505 ... mod.ber?
    0506 ... the Stupid People's Court?
    0507 ... Bandy-grams?

    * Phreaking

    0508 Have you ever built a black box?

    0509 Can you name all of the 'colors' of boxes?
    0510 ... and their associated functions?

    0511 Does your touch tone phone have 16 DTMF buttons on it?

    0512 Did the breakup of MaBell create more opportunities for you?

    Comments

    The Internet Explained
    By Dave Barry


    Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
    A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
    business, and private computer systems.

    Q. Who runs it?
    A. A 13-year-old named Jason.

    Q. How can I get on the Internet?
    A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial
    "on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America
    Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or,
    if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some
    night and install their programs on your computer when you're
    sleeping. They really want your business.

    Q. What are the benefits of these services?
    A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly"
    interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous
    computer experience-to provide the on-line services with the
    information they need to automatically put monthly charges on
    your credit card bill forever.

    Q. What if I die?
    A. They don't care.

    Q. Can't I cancel my account?
    A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.

    Q. How?
    A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying
    for ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter
    what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're
    thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.

    Q. What if I have children?
    A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.

    Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
    A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to
    the on-line service right now.

    Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected
    to an on-line service?
    A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!

    Q. Like what?
    A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.

    Q. Chat?
    A. Chat.

    Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
    A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over
    the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of
    whom are boring and stupid!

    Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
    A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some
    areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific
    interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious
    People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and
    of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any
    given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens
    of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so
    nobody will know their real identities.

    Q. What are their real identities?
    A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in
    all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers,
    from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could
    be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!

    Q. Really?
    A. No. You re almost always talking to losers and hormone-crazed
    13-year-old boys. But they pretend to be writers, wranglers,
    scientists, singers, etc.

    Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives. Also, for a change of pace, every now and then the discussion is interrupted by a hormone-crazed 13-year-old boy wishing to talk dirty to women. To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):

    LilBrisket: Hi everybody
    Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
    Toadster: Hi Bris
    Lungftook: Hi B
    LilBrisket: What's going on?
    Toadster: Not much
    Lungftook: Pretty quiet

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    LilBrisket: No
    Toadster: Nope
    Lungftook: Sorry

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    UvulaBob: Hi everybody
    Toadster: Hi UvulaBob
    Lungftook: Hi Uvula
    LilBrisket: Hi UB
    Wazootyman: Hi U
    UvulaBob: What's happening?
    LilBrisket: Kinda slow
    Toadster: Same old same old
    Lungflook: Pretty quiet
    Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
    LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Wazootyman: UvulaBob, are you from Texas?
    UvulaBob: No.

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
    Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
    LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
    Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
    UvulaBob: So long, L

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    PolypMaster: Hi everybody
    LilBrisket: Hey, PolypMaster
    Toadster: Yo, Polyp
    UvulaBob: Hi, P
    PolypMaster: What's going on?
    LilBrisket: Not much
    Toadster: Pretty quiet
    UvulaBob: Kinda slow ...

    And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the
    ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some
    fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or
    not PolypMaster comes from Texas.

    Q. I've heard that people sometimes use Internet chat areas to have
    "cybersex." What exactly is that?
    A. This is when two people send explicitly steamy messages to each
    other, back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster,
    hotter and hotter, faster and faster and hotter and harder
    and harder until OHHHH GODDDDDDDD they suddenly find that
    they have a bad case of sticky keyboard, if you get my drift.

    Q. That's disgusting!
    A. Yes.

    Q. Could you give an example?
    A. Certainly:

    Born2Bone: I want you NOW
    HunniBunni: I want YOU now
    Born2Bone: I want to take off your clothes
    HunniBunni: Yes! YES!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your clothes
    HunniBunni: OH YESSSS

    (LONGISH PAUSE)

    HunniBunni: Is something wrong?
    Born2Bone: I can't unhook your brassiere
    HunniBunni: I'll do it
    Born2Bone: Thanks. Oh my god! I'm touching your, umm, your...
    HunniBunni: Copious bosoms?
    Born2Bone: Yes! Your copious bosoms! I'm touching them!
    HunniBunni: YES!
    Born2Bone: Both of them!
    HunniBunni: YESSS!!
    Born2Bone: I'm taking off your panties!
    HunniBunni: You already did.
    Born2Bone: Oh, OK. You're naked! I'm touching your entire nakedness!
    HunniBunni: YESSSSSS!!!
    Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
    Born2Bone: No
    HunniBunni: No
    Born2Bone: I am becoming turgid in my manfulness!
    HunniBunni: YES! YES YOU ARE!! YOU ARE A BULL! YOU ARE MY GREAT BIG
    RAGING BULL STALLION!
    Wazootyman: Hey, thanks
    HunniBunni: Not you
    Born2Bone: I AM A STALLION! I AM A RAGING, BULGING BULL STALLION, AND I AM
    THRUSTING MY ... MY ... ummm ...
    HunniBunni: Your love knockwurst?
    Born2Bone: YES! I AM THRUSTING MY LOVE KNOCKWURST INTO YOUR ... YOUR...
    HunniBunni: Promise you won't laugh?
    Born2Bone: Yes
    HunniBunni: My passion persimmon
    Born2Bone: Ha ha!
    HunniBunni: You promised!
    Born2Bone: Sorry. OK, here goes: I AM THRUSTING MY MASSIVE KNOCKWURST
    OF LOVE INTO YOUR PASSION PERSIMMON!
    HunniBunni: YES! YES! YES!
    Born2Bone: OHHH! IT FEELS SO GOOD!! I FEEL POWERFUL!!
    HunniBunni: YOU ARE POWERFUL, BORN2BONE!! I FEEL YOUR POWER INSIDE ME!!!
    Born2Bone: IT FEELS LIKE, LIKE ...
    HunniBunni: Like what?
    Born2Bone: IT FEELS JUST LIKE, OHMIGOD ... OHMIGOD ...
    HunniBunni: TELL ME, BORN2BONE!! TELL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE!!
    Born2Bone: OH LORD IT FEELS LIKE... IT FEELS LIKE WHEN I BREAK A TIE VOTE IN
    THE SENATE!
    HunniBunni: What did you say?
    Born2Bone: Whoops
    HunniBunni: It feels like when you break a tie vote in the Senate?
    Born2Bone: Umm, listen, what I meant was ...
    HunniBunni: This is you, isn't it, Al? ISN'T IT?? YOU JERK!!! YOU TOLD ME YOU
    WERE ATTENDING A STATE FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON!!!
    Born2Bone: Tipper?
    HunniBunni.- Whoops

    Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet?
    A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting
    messages, discuss political topics of the day.

    Q. Like what?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
    A. There's a forum for everything.

    Q. What happens on these forums?
    A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about
    how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting
    messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then
    sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how
    much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry
    countermessages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.

    Q. Just like junior high school!
    A. But even more pointless.

    Q. Are there forums about sex?
    A. Zillions of them.

    Q. What do people talk about on those?
    A. Barry Manilow.

    Q. No, really.
    A. OK, they talk about sex, but it is not all titillating. Often you'll
    find highly scientific discussions that expand the frontiers of human
    understanding.

    Q. It is a beautiful thing, the Internet.
    A. It is.

    Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
    A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you
    can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite
    range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are
    maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special
    software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen
    to all kinds of cool stuff.

    Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
    A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an
    Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and
    specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up
    your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address,
    which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of
    characters like this:

    http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum


    Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
    A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway.

    Q. Ah.
    A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press
    Enter, and there you are!

    Q. Where?
    A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It
    could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in
    the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to
    what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of
    light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles..
    It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at
    the boats in person.

    Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
    A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize
    the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you
    never before dreamed possible.

    Q. For example?
    A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is
    a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions
    of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You
    can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the
    Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.

    Q. That is truly beautiful.
    A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny
    fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of
    stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going
    to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be
    afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail
    address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into
    uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also
    mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave
    the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and
    develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes."

    So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier,
    with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the
    betterment of the human race!

    Wazootyman is waiting for you.


    Comments


    The Life of a Computer Analyst



    Monday
    ------

    8:05am

    User called to say they forgot password. Told them to use
    password retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant,
    they thank me and hang up. God, we let the people vote and
    drive, too?

    8:12am

    Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports
    database. Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it
    works for me." Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my
    coffeemaker from the UPS and plugged their server back in.
    Suggested they try it again. One more happy customer...

    8:14 am

    User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error
    accessing Drive 0." Told them it was an OS problem.
    Transferred them to microsupport.

    11:00 am

    Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support
    phone back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are
    coming into town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred
    her to janitorial closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The
    "Myst" and "Doom" nationals are this weekend!

    11:34 am

    Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL
    changed on HR performance review database so that nobody but HR
    can access database. Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change
    ACL. Add @MailSend so performance reviews are sent to */US.

    12:00 pm

    Lunch

    3:30 pm

    Return from lunch.

    3:55 pm

    Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
    reason. Return to napping.

    4:23 pm

    Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on
    form. Ask them what chip set they're using. Tell them to call
    back when they find out.

    4:55 pm

    Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next
    shift has something to do.

    Tuesday
    -------

    8:30 am

    Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy.
    Terrible time with Save/Replication conflicts.

    9:00 am

    Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
    PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
    calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which
    have (mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.

    9:35 pm

    Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they
    need form J-19R=9C9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a
    form. Tell them it's in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they
    never heard of such a database. Transfer them to janitorial
    closet in basement.

    10:00 am

    Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID.
    Tell her I need employee number, department name, manager name,
    and marital status. Run @DbLookup against state parole board
    database, Centers for Disease Control database, and my Oprah
    Winfrey database. No hits. Tell her ID will be ready tonight.
    Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's "Reengineering
    for Customer Partnership,"

    I offer to personally deliver ID to her apartment.

    10:07 am

    Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in
    basement. Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch
    console while I grab a smoke.

    1:00 pm

    Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
    transferred them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.

    1:05 pm

    Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled
    floor tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not
    running in computer room, even if I do yell "Omigod -- Fire!"

    1:15 pm

    Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
    form names. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will fix
    it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.

    1:20 pm

    Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls
    for "Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't
    hear over industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably
    "Lettuce Nodes." Maybe the food distributor with a new product?
    She thinks about it and hangs up.

    2:00 pm

    Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to
    check in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell
    her it probably fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put
    duct tape over all the airvents she can find on the PC.
    Grudgingly offer to create new ID for her while she does that.

    2:49 pm

    Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.

    Wednesday
    ---------

    8:30 am

    Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on
    form. Tell them Of course, they should have been checking
    "Bitset," not "chipset." Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.

    9:10am

    Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules
    10:00am meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support
    manager about terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about
    to go into meeting. Sometimes life hands you material...

    10:00 am

    Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
    manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
    lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
    countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
    if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
    databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
    in Marketing on the corporate Web page. Meeting is adjourned as he
    reaches for keyboard, Web browser, and Tums.

    10:30 am

    Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe
    corporate PBX system sometime.

    11:00 am

    Lunch.

    4:55 pm

    Return from lunch.

    5:00 pm

    Shift change; Going home.

    Thursday
    --------

    8:00 am

    New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show
    him server room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him
    up with IBM PC-XT. Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in
    both monochrome and color.

    8:45 am

    New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID
    for him. Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.

    9:30 am

    Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie
    comments. Is this guy great or what?!

    11:00 am

    Beat Louie in dominos game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominos
    out of sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says
    Accounting server is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio
    antenna (better reception) and plug back into hub. Tell user to
    try again. Another happy customer!

    11:55 am

    Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new
    employee beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper
    aspects with said corporation, said employee is obligated to
    provide sustenance and relief to senior technical analyst on
    shift." Marvin doubts. I point to "Corporate Policy" database
    (a fine piece of work, if I say so myself!). "Remember, that's
    DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell to Marvin as he steps
    over open floor tile to get to exit door.

    1:00 pm

    Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...

    4:30 pm

    Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.

    5:00 pm

    Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several times (just
    testing the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.

    Friday
    ------

    8:00 am

    Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server.
    Told them it worked fine before I left.

    9:00 am

    Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these
    calls myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.

    9:02 am

    Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and
    the Oiuji board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call
    Telecommunications.

    9:30 am

    Good God, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San
    Diego and can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's
    sunspots, but with a two-hour difference. Suggest he reset the
    time on the server back two hours.

    10:17 am

    Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them
    to set server ahead three hours.

    11:00 am

    E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the
    time on their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it
    to Milwaukee.

    11:20 am

    Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.

    11:23 am

    Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.

    11:25 am

    Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So
    hard to get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has
    appointment with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind
    sitting in on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No
    problem!"

    11:30 am

    Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a
    meeting this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff"
    I tell him.

    12:00 am

    Lunch.

    1:00 pm

    Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
    them fast.

    1:03 pm

    Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!

    2:30 pm

    Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel
    2:45 pm appointment for him. He really should be at home
    resting, you know.

    2:39 pm

    New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection
    document. Tell them to run connection document utility
    CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC rebooted. Tell them to call microsupport.

    2:50 pm

    Support manager calls to say mixup at doctor's office means
    appointment cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him
    if he's seen corporate Web page lately.

    3:00 pm

    Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working.
    Suggest they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send
    them document addendum which says so.

    4:00 pm

    Finish changing foreground color in all documents to white. Also set
    point size to "2" in help databases.

    4:30 pm

    User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell
    them to go to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key,
    and then refresh. Promise to send them document addendum which
    says so.

    4:45 pm

    Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell
    them I'll fix it. Hang up. Change font to Wingdings.

    4:58 pm

    Plug coffee maker into Ethernet hub to see what happens. Not
    (too) much.

    5:00 pm

    Night shift shows up. Tell that the hub is acting funny and to
    have a good weekend.





    Comments

    The Seven Stages of a Usenet Poster
    With Illustrative Examples



    1. Innocence

    HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT THIS
    NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP -- HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. :-) <-- MY
    FIRST SMILEY; DO YOU HAVE INTERESTING ONES? PLEASE POST SOME; I THINK THAT
    THEIR COOL. DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY BIZARRE DEAD BABY JOKES?

    2. Enthusiasm

    Wow! This stuff is great! But one thing I've noticed is that everytime
    someone tries to tell a dead baby jokes, everyone says that they don't want
    to hear them. This really sucks; there are a lot of us who *like* dead
    baby jokes. Therefore, I propose that we create the newsgroup:

    rec.humor.dead.babes

    specifically for those of us who like these jokes. Can anyone tell me how
    to create a newsgroup?

    3. Arrogance

    In message (3.14159@BAR), FOO@BAR.BITNET says:

    > [dead chicken joke deleted]

    This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Can't you read the rules? Gene
    Spafford _a clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

    rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

    Simple enough for you? It's not enough that the creature be dead, it
    *must* be a baby -- capeesh?

    This person is clearly scum -- they're even hiding behind a pseudonym. I
    mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the sysadmin at
    BAR.BITNET requesting that this person's net access be revoked immediately.
    If said sysadmin does not comply, they are obviously in on it -- I will
    urge that their feeds cut them off post-haste, so that they cannot spread
    this kind of $#!T over the net.

    4. Disgust

    In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:

    > Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?
    > ^L
    > A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

    Are you people completely devoid of imagination? We've heard this joke *at
    least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

    When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
    would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
    heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
    Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You people
    are dull as dishwater. I give up; I'm unsubscribing, as of now. You can
    have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

    5. Resignation

    In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

    >In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:
    >
    >> How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?
    >> With a Cuisinart!
    >
    > ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically
    > to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with
    > r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

    Hey, wildman, chill out. When you've been around as long as I have, you'll
    come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net. Look at it
    this way: at least they haven't overwhelmed us yet. Most of the jokes in
    rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and interesting. We can hope that
    people like newby above will go lurk until they understand the subtleties
    of dead baby joke creation, but we should bear with them if they don't.
    Keep your cool, and don't let it bug you.

    6. Ossification

    In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
    > In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
    >> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
    >>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:
    >>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:
    >>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.
    >>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they
    >>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you
    >>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have
    >>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude
    >>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.
    >>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we
    >>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having
    >>> the volume, you TURD?
    >> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply
    >> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,
    >> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens
    >> in r.h.d.b. We haven't heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that
    >> there is no interest in chicken jokes.
    > That doesn't even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

    It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
    There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
    created.

    People like this really burn me. Doesn't he realize that it will just take
    a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down around us?
    First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
    rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, they'll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
    Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the world
    will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want, Cluck? To
    bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

    I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system works,
    and we shouldn't push at it, lest it break.

    7. Nostalgia

    Well, they've just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My, how
    things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I first joined
    this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups under the humorous
    banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. I'm amazed at how things have
    split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups in your sequencer just
    to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the good old days, when we could
    read about it all in one place...




    Comments

    Top 25 Explanations by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work


    1. Strange...

    2. I've never heard about that.

    3. It did work yesterday.

    4. Well, the program needs some fixing.

    5. How is this possible?

    6. The machine seems to be broken.

    7. Has the operating system been updated?

    8. The user has made an error again.

    9. There is something wrong in your test data.

    10. I have not touched that module!

    11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.

    12. You must have the wrong executable.

    13. Oh, it's just a feature.

    14. I'm almost ready.

    15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.

    16. It will be done in no time at all.

    17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.

    18. I can't test everything!

    19. THIS can't do THAT.

    20. Didn't I fix it already?

    21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.

    22. It works, but it's not been tested.

    23. Somebody must have changed my code.

    24. There must be a virus in the application software.

    25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?




    Comments

    Toaster Makers
    Found on the net. Author unknown.

    If IBM made toasters...
    They would want one big toaster where people bring
    bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM
    would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
    toasters.

    If Microsoft made toasters...
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have
    to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
    toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
    Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
    reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity
    to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
    your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
    let's you control how light or dark you want your
    toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other
    appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
    hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
    them since most of the good bread only works with
    their toasters.

    If Apple made toasters...
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
    5 years earlier (and of course, it would do it
    better). When you cut your toast, it bleeds in 6
    colors. .

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless
    black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of
    toast on top of it. Their service department would
    have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
    the box would be highly classified government
    documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.


    If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
    the NSA could access in case they needed to get at
    your toast for reasons of national security.

    If NASA made toasters...
    The toast would burst into flames shortly after
    popping up.

    Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?

    If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
    They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which
    takes in toast and gives you regular bread.

    If Sony made toasters...
    Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
    the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
    conveniently attached to your belt.

    If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely
    hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter
    toaster.

    If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
    any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
    for a couple of years.

    If Thinking Machines made toasters...
    You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of
    bread at the same time.

    If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
    toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

    If Xerox made toasters...
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
    slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster
    would jam your bread for you.

    If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
    anything about it. You would be able to buy all the
    parts to build your own toaster.

    If K-Tel sold toasters...
    They would not be available in stores, and you would
    get a free set of Ginsu knives.

    If ParcPlace made toasters...
    Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

    If Oracle made toasters...
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
    brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home
    you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
    development, the Croissant Extension was three years
    away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just
    blowing smoke.

    If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really
    good cuppa Java.

    If Tandem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece
    got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a
    new one.

    If Fisher Price made toasters...
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that
    you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a
    Jack-in-the-box.

    If CostCo made toasters...
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a
    six-pack of 'em.

    Comments






    If IBM made toasters...
    They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be
    submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide
    market for five, maybe six toasters.

    If Xerox made toasters...
    You could toast one-sided or double-sided.
    Successive slices would get lighter and lighter.
    The toaster would jam your bread for you.

    If Radio Shack made toasters...
    The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about
    it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

    If University of Waterloo made toasters...
    They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.

    If ParcPlace made toasters...
    Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.

    If Oracle made toasters...
    They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and
    styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel
    Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three
    years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing
    smoke.

    If Sun made toasters...
    The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
    Java.

    Does DEC still make toasters?...
    They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

    If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
    They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast
    and gives you regular bread.

    If Tandem made toasters...
    You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the
    toaster would automatically toast you a new one.

    If Thinking Machines made toasters...
    You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

    If Cray made toasters...
    They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
    single-slice toaster in the world.

    If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
    It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
    Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
    service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the
    blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
    documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

    If the NSA made toasters...
    Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could
    access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of
    national security.

    If Sony made toasters...
    The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
    of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
    your belt.

    If Timex made toasters...
    They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
    take a licking and keep on toasting.

    If Fisher Price made toasters...
    "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
    toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.

    If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
    Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece
    of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster.

    If CostCo made toasters...
    They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.

    And, of course:

    If Microsoft made toasters...
    Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
    toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still
    have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
    (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
    electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
    your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
    control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
    secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
    them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless
    would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their
    toasters.

    If Apple made toasters...
    It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
    earlier.


    Comments

    There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

    - Unknown

    My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard.

    - Unknown

    Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

    - Unknown

    If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

    - T-Shirt

    1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

    - tee shirt

    Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

    I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly

    - T-Shirt

    I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code

    - Unknown

    The glass is neither half-full nor half-empty: it's twice as big as it needs to be.

    - Unknown

    A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

    - Unknown
    Comments

    The Top 10 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach




    10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.

    9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.

    8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.

    7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it,
    except the complex math, which you will never use.

    6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.

    5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
    every day for the rest of your life.

    4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?

    3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.

    2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

    1. Dilbert is a documentary.

    Comments

    The Ten Types of Usenet Users



    The Lurker -- Never posts, never replys just observes.

    The Vulture -- Never posts, but ready and waiting to point out any fault in
    your post.

    The Knit Picker -- Never posts but will break down, question and analyze
    your post until it is no longer funny.

    The Poacher -- Never posts, but will reply to another post with a better or
    different punchline, stealing the laugh.

    The Flame Fodder -- Usually a newbie who asked a lame question, usually in
    the wrong group. No mercy is shown.

    The News Cop -- Only ever post to tell people they are in the wrong group
    or to stop spamming etc.

    The Wacko -- Will often post a message or joke which makes no sense. The
    wacko will never post again. Strange.

    The Spammer -- we all HATE the spammer!!!!

    The Stealth Spammer -- Post Spams that need to be read before you can tell
    its a spam.

    The Hero -- This brave person often posts at the mercy of the Vultures,
    Knit pickers and the Poachers.

    Which are you?





    Comments

    Dear Receiver
    You have just received a Turkish computer virus.
    Since we are not so
    technologically advanced in Ardabil, this is a
    MANUAL virus. Please delete
    all the files on your hard disk yourself and send
    this virus to everyone you
    know.
    Thank you very much for helping me.


    Gazanfar the Hacker




    Comments

    Types of Chain Letters



    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chain Letter Type I

    Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving
    little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who as no arms, no legs, no parents,
    and no pecker. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every
    time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Starving Legless
    Armless Parentless Peckerless Little Boys from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.
    Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent. So go on, reach out.

    Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder- if you
    accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly and a mad
    goat will rape your dead body. Thanks again!!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
    Chain Letter Type lI: Make a wish!!!

    (This is where you have to scroll down)







    Really, go on and make one wish!!!









    Oh please, s/he'll never go out with you!!!












    Wish something else!!!










    Not *that* either, you pervert!!










    Is your finger getting tired yet?











    You Can Stop now moron!!!!!!!!

    Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty,
    here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to a certain
    number of people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and
    then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because
    , you now, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!
    Really!!! Here's how it goes.

    Send this to 1 person: One person will be upset with you for sending them a
    stupid chain letter.

    Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be upset with you for sending them
    a stupid chain letter.

    5-10 people: 5-10 people will be upset with at you for sending them a stupid
    chain letter.

    10-20 people: 10-20 people will be upset with at you for sending them a
    stupid chain letter.

    20 to 674,951 1/2 people: 20 to 674,951 1/2 people will be upset with you
    for sending them a stupid chain letter.

    Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Chain Letter Type III

    Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is
    absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as
    many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass
    this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will
    happen to you like:

    Queer Horror Story #1
    Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently
    received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the
    side walk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of
    poop, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty,
    she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

    Queer Horror Story #2
    Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it
    . Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some
    people swing that way, especially at Oklahoma City University). They both
    died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both
    cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To
    You!!!

    Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter
    to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

    Of course, there's the guy in Peoria Illinois who DID forward this on and
    then he married his secret crush, they moved to the suburbs, had 2.3
    children and lived happily ever after.

    Right up until he started working late every night, started an affair with
    his secretary and boozing. Then she started sleeping with the golf pro at
    the local country club, became addicted to sleeping pills and their 2.3
    children got into gangs and drugs. Then everything went to hell, and they
    got divorced. She got the house and the kids, and he got the car and child
    support payment, and got to keep the mortgage payment, lost his job and his
    car and now is working the midnight shift at the local McDonald's.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Chain Letter Type IV

    As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your
    friends.

    Friends
    - A friend is someone who is always at your side,
    - A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
    - A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
    - A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
    - A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
    your loser life,
    - A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
    you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A
    friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
    the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's
    the cleaning lady,

    Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in
    your sleep!!

    There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
    letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity,
    send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
    otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!! If you don't, I don't
    care. Thanks!

    Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.

    TRASH IT!!! If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget
    to delete the chain letter part. But if it's gonna make people feel guilty
    (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.
    Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.

    Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to
    BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!" Thank you.





    Comments

    Type Of Women

    Which type of woman is yours?

    HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything, FOREVER.

    RAM Woman: She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

    WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no
    one can
    live without her.

    EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her
    for
    your four basic needs.

    SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing but at least she is fun to
    look at!

    INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access.

    SERVER Woman: Always busy when you need her.

    MULTIMEDIA Woman: She makes horrible things look beautiful.

    CD-ROM Woman: She is always faster and faster.

    E-MAIL Woman: Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

    VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she
    comes,
    installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall
    her you
    will lose some! thing, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose
    everything ..........


    Comments

    You Might Be an Engineer if ...


    A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna
    on the radio in your work area for better reception
    All your sentences begin with "what if"
    At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find
    the burnt-out bulb in the string
    Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade
    your RAM is a moral dilemma
    Dilbert is your hero
    Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery,
    and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
    In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
    On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages
    faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel
    People groan at the party when you pick out the music
    The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam
    to fix it
    The only jokes you receive are through e-mail
    The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
    The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters
    your mind
    When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson
    talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next
    twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the
    salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head
    You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase
    "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information
    superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses
    hand-drawn pie charts
    You are always late to meetings
    You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
    You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games,
    but are afraid to say so out loud
    You are convinced you can build a phazer from your garage door opener
    and your camera's flash attachment
    You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear
    reactor
    You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that
    the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it
    You are still drinking Mr Pibb
    You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the
    cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay
    You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday
    You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply
    You can name at least six Star Trek episodes
    You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
    You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
    You can understand anything Al Gore says
    You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket
    You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this
    week
    You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical
    lines
    You carry a list for everything except the groceries
    You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test
    that actually takes five minutes to run
    You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel
    You disdain people who use low baud rates
    You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking
    into a spinning fan
    You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker
    You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project
    You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months
    You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage
    handling equipment
    You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to
    see how they do the special effects
    You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
    You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own
    turns bread into charcoal
    You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
    You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard
    You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN
    stands for
    You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
    You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
    You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
    You have introduced your kids by the wrong name
    You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have
    seen most of the shows already
    You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven
    You have more friends on the Internet than in real life
    You have never backed up your hard drive
    You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since
    you got married
    You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than
    hanging coats and taping ducts
    You introduce your wife/husband as "mylady@home.wife/husband"
    You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics
    kit you got for your ninth birthday
    You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size
    screwdriver to use
    You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic
    equipment on commercial flights
    You know the direction the water swirls when you flush
    You know what http:// stands for
    You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
    You need a checklist to turn on the TV
    You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home
    banking software
    You own "Official Star Trek" anything
    You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
    You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor
    You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve
    address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo"
    You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey
    You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile
    tires
    You see a good design and still have to change it
    You spend more time on your home computer than in your car
    You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
    You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
    You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability
    of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl
    You talk about trellis code modulation at parties
    You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
    You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget
    to send your father a birthday card
    You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children
    You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
    get enough sleep
    You think your computer looks better without the cover
    You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid
    You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission
    controllers
    You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
    You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the
    time
    You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas
    You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
    You window shop at Radio Shack
    You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon
    You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the
    moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
    You've already calculated how much you make per second
    You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
    Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4.
    Chocolate
    Your checkbook always balances
    Your dress clothes come from Sears
    Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with
    a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up
    thinking that was normal
    Your favorite actor is R2D2
    Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor"
    Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the
    gadgets
    Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium
    Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop
    Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her
    Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog
    Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the
    decimal point in the right place
    Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest
    sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
    Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges
    Your IQ is a higher number than your weight
    Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy
    Your laptop computer costs more than your car
    Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner
    Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to
    explain atmospheric absorption theory
    Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries
    Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
    Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre
    Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
    Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone




    Comments

    Understanding Computer Technology - Computer
    Comments

    Useful Key - Computer
    Comments

    Useless Man - Computer
    Comments

    Justice Department Suit Against Microsoft


    Justice Department officials have obtained internal Microsoft documents
    that would support a new antitrust case. Man, I hope the federal government
    wins. I like to root for the little guy.



    Comments

    The difference between computers and people?

    With computers, software goes into hardware.
    Comments

    The Positive Side to Y2K



    January 1, 2000

    Dear Valued Employee:
    Re: Vacation Pay

    Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time
    over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees
    are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time
    off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
    Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your
    next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will
    include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

    Sincerely,
    Automated Payroll Processing




    Comments

    The Mystery of the Vanishing Video Tapes
    by Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, April 15, 1992


    First, we solved the puzzle of disappearing socks and the mystery of
    multiplying coat hangers. Today, we solve the strange case of the
    disappearing video tapes.

    I was among the millions who couldn't explain the chronic disappearance
    of socks and the way hangers accumulate in vast numbers in the dark
    recesses of your closet, making you wonder what the male coat hangers
    and the female coat hangers are doing in there.

    But then I realized that socks are the larval stage of coat hangers.
    The socks disappear because they open their wings when we aren't looking
    and become hangers.

    But what is the explanation for constantly running out of video tapes?
    You could buy a carload of tapes for your video recorder, but when you
    suddenly see something on television that you must have, you cannot find
    a blank one.

    My first guess, of course, was that video tapes are sock eggs, which
    become socks, which become coat hangers.

    But there's more to it than that. My relatives get part of the blame.
    In this society, if you get a new car or spouse or cat or house, you
    take video pictures and send them to all the relatives. It's like
    snapshots, only a lot more cumbersome and expensive.

    But that's small potatoes. A friend points out the larger explantion:
    There are members of each family who tend to tape programs and squirrel
    them away without watching them.

    His wife, for instance. Somewhere in their house, she has tucked away
    several hundred tapes, each one containing a program that they really
    ought to watch one day soon.

    I'm not talking about entertainment programs like movies and sit-coms
    and game shows and football games or even half-hour infomercials
    featuring old movie stars paid to tell you they haven't had a wrinkle
    since they started applying buckets of Wonder Goo to their aging
    kissers.

    I'm talking about programs that are so good for you they hurt cultural
    and informational programs that you really ought to watch, but don't.
    I'm talking, for instance, about the sort of public television program
    that people who like public television don't even watch. But they feel
    guilty about not watching those offerings so they tape the shows and
    plan to watch them when they get time.

    But they never get time. These tapes are the equivalent of all the
    magazine articles and special newspaper sections and environmental
    pamphlets and Republican position papers that you stack up and really
    intend to read one of these days.

    In the early days of television, we had only two choices when it came to
    programs that were good for us. If they had a program, for instance, on
    the history of the American vice presidency or on the evolution of the
    flute or on the causes of liberal extremism in Utah, you watched it or
    you didn't watch it.

    Today, there is a third possibility:

    Let your video recorder watch it for you.

    That's all you have to do. That clears your conscience and squares you
    with your fellow do-gooders. You don't have to actually sit through
    that mind rot yourself. You just have to plan to watch it one of these
    days or at least promise to fast-forward through the meaty portions.

    That is the virtue of robots, as opposed to children, servants or
    employees. A robot is just a machine so there is no task so distasteful
    that you can't order the robot to do it.

    Today, we have robots that fight fires, robots that pour molten metal,
    robots that clean up nuclear waste and robots that mix noxious
    chemicals. And now we have robots that watch chemistry lectures, modern
    dance recitals and political debates.

    It takes a lot of tape but it gives a person a certain standing in the
    right circles:

    "Did you watch the city council debate last night?"

    "No, but my video recorder did."





    Comments

    Vision and Perseverance!

    "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
    -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
    "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
    -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
    "I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and walked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
    -- Editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
    "But what ... is it good for?"
    -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
    -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
    "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
    -- Western Union internal memo, 1876
    "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
    -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
    "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
    -- A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.
    "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
    -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
    "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
    -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.
    "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
    -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies
    "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
    -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
    "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
    -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895
    "If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
    -- Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It" Notepads
    "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'"
    -- Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer
    "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
    -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work
    "You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
    -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus
    "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
    -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859
    "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
    -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
    "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
    -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
    "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
    -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899
    "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
    -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
    "The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
    -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873
    "640K ought to be enough for anybody."
    -- Bill Gates, 1981
    Comments

    WP Problems

    Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee:



    "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
    "What sort of trouble?"
    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
    away."
    "Went away?"
    "They disappeared."
    "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
    "Nothing."
    "Nothing?"
    "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
    "How do I tell?"
    "Can you see the C:\prompt on the screen?"
    "What's a sea-prompt?"
    "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
    "What's a monitor?"
    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
    "I don't know."
    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
    cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
    "Yes, I think so."
    "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
    the wall."
    "Yes, it is."
    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
    cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
    "No."
    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
    other cable."
    "Okay, here it is."
    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely in to the back
    of your computer."
    "I can't reach."
    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
    "No."
    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
    dark."
    "Dark?"
    "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
    from the window."
    "Well, turn on the office light then."
    "I can't."
    "No? Why not?"
    "Because there's a power outage."
    "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
    still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer
    came in?"
    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
    "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
    was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought
    it from."
    "Really? Is it that bad?"
    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
    "Tell them, you are too stupid to own a computer".





    Comments

    Ways things would be different if Microsoft was headquartered in
    South Carolina:






    Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders

    Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle

    Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a
    Hefty bag

    Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"

    Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos

    The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse

    Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized
    drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"

    Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
    Achy-Breaky Heart

    PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"

    Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and
    "Vishul C++"

    Winders 95 logo would incorporate Confederate Flag

    Microsoft Word would be just that: one word

    New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"

    Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"

    Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am

    Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse

    Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver

    Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire

    Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead
    cars in your front yard

    Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator

    Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates


    Comments

    Web-Surfing Drinking Game


    With the recent rise of "Geek culture," the long-held misperception that
    computer users are solitary, electronic slaves is slowly receding like a
    ten percent drop shadow. Geeks have asserted for years that they can
    party as hard as any testosterone-filled football player. To prove it, we
    present the TidBITS Web Surfing Party Game (TBWSPG, pronounced "Fred").

    Fred is best experienced in a group setting (say, a rack of office
    cubicles at lunch time), but you can also play at home alone or networked,
    of course. To play, choose your favorite drink, connect to your ISP, and
    start surfing the Web. Remember to be responsible, and hand over the
    mouse when you've drunk too much.

    DRINK ONCE IF ...
    * your modem has to redial when connecting to your ISP (if more
    than five times, stop drinking and cancel that darn AOL
    account already!)
    * you see a "Best Viewed With..." tag (twice if it's animated)
    * you get any error message (bad URL, etc.)
    * you see an under construction sign
    * you view a page with a Web counter (twice if it's a broken
    graphic)
    * you view a blink tag (not necessary to drink for every blink)
    * you come across a Java applet (twice if it doesn't load)
    * you see the phrase "cool links"
    * a background sound loads (you also must dance with drink in hand)
    * your browser crashes
    * you have to resize the browser window
    * a graphic doesn't load

    DRINK TWICE IF ...
    * you hit a JavaScript error
    * you arrive at a password-protected site (if you can guess the
    password in three tries, collect a dollar from everyone in
    the room and chug drink)
    * you find a home page purportedly belonging to someone's pet
    * "cool" is spelled "kewl"
    * you have to download a plug-in and restart your browser
    * the graphics are broken on a Web designer's home pages

    SPECIAL RULE ...
    * If you hit a Shockwave project, you have to wait to drink until
    it's downloaded (This is a good chance to walk to the store
    for more drinks, render 3D images, or write a new operating
    system.)




    Comments

    When Airplanes Run Microsoft Windows - Computer
    Comments

    Where do the Deleted Characters Go?


    QUESTION:
    Where do the character go when I use the backspace or on my PC?

    ANSWER:
    If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending on
    whom you ask:



    1) The Catholics approach to characters:

    The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good. The
    characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles
    are soothed, and theres not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle
    in sight. Most of the nice characters are As and Is, those that
    have never been -- er -- involved with other characters. Often,
    youll see As or Is with Ns or Ts. These are characters in love:
    monogamous on the page, together again after deletion. Youll see
    quite a few Qs too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no
    good reason.

    The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you were
    wondering what is the difference between a nice character and a
    naughty character is, Ill tell you. Naughty characters are those
    involved in the creation of naughty words, such as, "breast," "sex,"
    "objectivity," and depending upon usage, such words as, "feminism,"
    "reproductive freedom," "contraception," and "science." You may ask,
    and rightly so, why the characters are blamed for their own
    configuration. But we feel that a character has an obligation to
    oppose any naughtiness in its own configuration. If it truly felt
    guilty about the word it was forming, it would rebel.

    2) The Buddhist Explanation

    If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
    has been deleted, it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
    character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
    will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
    will become upper-case letters, and the most righteous and good of
    letters will become Cs. Why Cs, you ask? Who knows, but C it is.
    If a characters karma is not so good, then it will move down the
    above scale, ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

    3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

    Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
    meaningless nothingness. It doesnt really matter if theyre on the
    page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. Its all the same. More
    characters should delete themselves. (Nihilist characters are easy
    to identify. Theyre usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot)

    4) The Mac Users Explanation

    All the characters written on a PC and then deleted and go straight to
    PC hell. If youre using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
    characters, because youre in PC hell also.

    5) Stephen Kings Explanation

    Every time you hit the key you unleash a tiny monster inside
    the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds,
    drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, Hah, Hah!

    6) Dave Barrys Explanation

    The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
    theyre made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are
    so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable. Im not
    making any of this up.

    7) IBMs Explanation

    The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they
    are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
    de-conceptualize them. Get a life.

    8) PETAs Explanation

    Youve been DELETING them???? Cant you hear them SCREAMING??? Why
    dont you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!

    Comments


    INTERNET woman: woman of difficult access.

    SERVER woman: always busy when you need her.

    WINDOWS woman: everyone knows that she can't do a
    thing right, but none can live without her.

    POWERPOINT woman: only Bill Gates has the will to use
    her more than half an hour.

    EXCEL woman: they say she can do a lot of things but
    you mostly use her for your four basical needs.

    WORD woman: she has always a surprise reserved for
    you, but none in the world is able to fully understand
    it.

    DOS woman: everyone had her at least once, but none
    wants her anymore.

    BACKUP woman: you have always believed that she had
    everything you need, but when the " X-hour" comes,
    you find out that she has always missed something.

    VIRUS woman: also known as " wife" ; when you are not
    expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all
    your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will
    lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you
    will lose everything.

    SCANDISK woman: you know that she is good and that she
    only wants to help you, but you never know what she is
    really doing for that.

    SCREENSAVER woman: she is not worth for anything, but
    at least she is fun!

    RAM woman: she forgets everything you say when you
    disconnect her.

    HARD-DISK woman: she remembers everythings, FOREVER.

    MULTIMEDIA woman: she makes horrible things look
    beutifull.

    MICROSOFT woman: she wants to have the domination over
    all the men she meets, and she tries to convince them
    that this is the best thing for them. She will do her
    best to make you fight against the other women and
    promises you that you will have everything you want if
    you will give her your address book. Before you will
    find it out, she will be the only one in your life. It
    will come the day you will need her permission to
    open your refrigerator or to start your car.

    PASSWORD woman: you believe to be the only one knowing
    her, but in reality all the world does....

    MP3 woman: everybody wants to take her...

    MONITOR woman: She makes life looks more shining.

    CD-ROM woman: she is always faster and faster.

    DATAWAREHOUSING woman: she keeps you informed of
    everything, except what you really want to know.



    Comments

    11. The percentage that will be complete on the shipping date.
    10. The number floppies it will ship on.
    9. The percentage of people who will have to upgrade their hardware.
    8. The number of megabytes of hard disk space required.
    7. The number of pages in the *EASY-INSTALL* version of the manual.
    6. The percentage of existing windows programs that wont run in the new OS.
    5. The number of minutes to install.
    4. The number of calls to tech support before you can get it to run.
    3. The number of people who will actually PAY for the upgrade.
    2. The number Mhz required for the OS to run.
    And now the #1 thing people think the 95 in Windows95 really stands for..

    (Drum roll please...)
    1. The year it was *DUE* to ship.

    Comments

    WinXP - Computer
    Comments

    Windaz 2000 - Computer
    Comments

    Windows 76?
    By Hans Brakob



    Our founding fathers on PCs:

    1776


    Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is essential
    hat we complete this Declaration of Independence.

    Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.


    Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you. Has
    everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted yesterday?

    Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes replication
    problems.

    Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy


    Mr. Sherman: Thanks, Saaaaay, nice font.


    Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies Online
    just last week.

    Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear our
    document will soon leak out.

    Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg circulating.

    I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.


    Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^^$# General Protection Fault!


    Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75. It solved that
    problem for me.

    Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of Pretended
    Legislation; have you considered using bullets to air out the text?

    Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
    candle wax on my keyboard again.

    Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd buy an
    active-matrix screen.

    Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!


    Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My spell checker
    recommends "unassailable".

    Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document, please?
    Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

    Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't compatible.

    Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean when the
    floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

    Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have you thought
    about blowing that up really big and maybe centering it in
    72-point Helvetica?

    Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus! I can't save the
    file.

    Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here, borrow my
    quill pen....




    Comments

    Windows Copy - Computer
    Comments

    Windows Crash - Computer
    Comments

    Q: What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

    A: Women don't take 3 1/2'' floppies.
    Comments

    This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed
    from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say,
    the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the
    WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." This is the actual
    dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (Now I know why
    they record these conversations)

    "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

    "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

    "What sort of trouble?"

    "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
    "Went away?"

    "They disappeared."

    "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

    "Nothing."

    "Nothing?"

    "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."

    "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

    "How do I tell?"

    "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

    "What's a sea-prompt?"

    "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

    "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

    "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

    "What's a monitor?"

    "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a
    little light that tells you when it's on?"

    "I don't know."

    "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord
    goes into it.

    "Can you see that?"

    "Yes, I think so."

    "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the
    wall."

    "Yes, it is."

    "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables
    plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

    "No."

    "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
    cable."

    "Okay, here it is."

    "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
    your computer."

    "I can't reach."

    "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

    "No."

    "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

    "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."

    "Dark?"

    "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from
    the window."

    "Well, turn on the office light then."

    "I can't."

    "No? Why not?"

    "Because there's a power failure."

    "A power.......a power failure?.... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
    you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
    in?"

    "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

    "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was
    when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

    "Really? Is it that bad?"

    "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

    "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

    "Tell them you're too fucking stupid to own a computer!!"

    Comments

    A Few Words From Tech Support


    Sound at all familiar??

    1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error
    messages from here.

    2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee.
    It's nothing to us to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

    3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
    leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
    pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies
    and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it
    deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

    4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
    what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know
    that you can't get into your mail because your computer
    won't power on at all.

    5. Don't put your phone extension in your emails to the help desk.
    We need to keep an eye on the address book performance.

    6. When tech support sends you an email with high
    importance, delete it at once. We're just testing the
    public groups.

    7. When a tech is eating lunch in his cube, walk right in
    and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

    8. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him a computer
    question. The only reason why we smoke at all is to ferret
    out those clients who don't have email or a telephone line.

    9. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server
    picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

    10. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the
    bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week,
    record your message and wait exactly 24 hours before you
    send an email straight to the director because no one ever
    returned your call. After all, you're entitled to common courtesy.

    11. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
    There's electronics in it.

    12. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
    call computer support. We can fix your line from here.

    13. When you have a dozen CGA monitors to get rid of,
    call computer support. We're collectors.

    14. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on
    a tech's chair with no name, no phone number and no
    description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

    15. If you hate your mouse, get some other pointing device
    and discard the manual. We know all the keyboard accelerators.

    16. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have
    cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

    17. When you get a message about insufficient disk space,
    delete everything in the Windows directory.
    It's nothing but trouble anyway.

    18. When you get a message about a hard disk controller
    failure, and then you reboot and it looks okay, don't call
    tech support. We'd much rather troubleshoot it when it's
    dead as a doornail.

    19. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
    changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually
    mean for you to do anything.
    We just love to hear ourselves talk.

    20. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly,
    reply in a scathing tone of voice:
    "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?"
    That'll get us going.

    21. If you have a 14-inch monitor that says VGA on it, set
    the display to true color, 1024 x 768. You'll never again
    have to worry about people reading confidential files over
    your shoulder.

    22. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
    don't bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it's done.

    23. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.
    Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

    24. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries,
    send the job to all 68 printers in the building.
    One of them is bound to work.

    25. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical.
    We know exactly what you mean by "my thingy's outta whack".

    26. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

    27. If you're taking night classes in computer science,
    feel free to go around and update the network drivers
    for your all your co-workers.
    We're grateful for the overtime money.

    28. When a tech makes popcorn, help yourself while he's
    checking out your access rights. And we keep chocolate
    in the top drawer, too.

    29. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter
    past noon, eat your lunch in his face.
    We function better when slightly dizzy.

    30. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

    31. If you're an intern, feel free to bring in all your
    friends from college and have your Daddy complain to
    our boss when we won't let them use the scanner.
    We had no friends when we were in college; that's why
    we're such a bunch of tight-assed little twerps.

    32. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new
    software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business
    what you've got on your computer.

    33. When a tech finds the AOL shortcuts in your Recycle Bin,
    tell him you've never seen those before.
    We couldn't tell bullshit if it kicked us in the face.

    34. If you have NT, feel free to change the local
    administrator's password to "blowjob" and promptly
    forget it.
    We like installing NT.

    35. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
    picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the
    cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have
    45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

    36. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
    the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with
    half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.

    37. When you receive the new Yanni CD for your birthday,
    shove it into any slot on the front of your computer.
    We like getting physical with 5.25 floppy drives.

    38. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?", click on
    that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't
    sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

    39. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank,
    sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare
    at him until he hangs up.
    We don't have any money to speak of anyway.

    40. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
    nothing about that computer crap". We don't mind at
    all hearing our area of professional expertise referred
    to as crap.

    41. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
    support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely
    complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it
    be performed only by a professional engineer with a
    master's degree in nuclear physics.

    42. When you can't find someone in the government directory,
    call tech support. Due to budget restrictions, we double as 411.

    43. When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet,
    call tech support. We love to hack.

    44. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
    secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge
    of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know
    jack shit about the problem.

    45. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone
    as a mail attachment.
    We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

    46. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
    smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze
    a memo into the queue.

    47. When your eyes fall on the family pictures on a tech's desk,
    exclaim in a flabbergasted tone of voice: "YOU have a child?!?"
    We need to be reminded of how lucky we were to ever have gotten laid.

    48. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing 15,000 kilograms worth
    of computer equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice:
    "Good grief, you take the elevator to go DOWN one floor?!?"
    That's another one that cracks us up no end.


    49. When the Finance folks are printing a 100-page spreadsheet
    on the LaserJet, send your black and white print job to
    the color printer. We get the black toner for free.

    50. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire department.
    People out in Yellowknife like to keep abreast of what's going on.

    51. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday,
    ask a computer question. We don't do weekends.

    52. When you see a tech having a beer with a member of the
    opposite sex on a Friday night, walk right up to them and
    ask a computer question. We don't do dating; the reason
    why we have that horny look on our faces is because we're
    discussing the new Intel processor.

    53. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around
    on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature
    in NT 4.0; they won't be doing anything useful until the
    next major release.

    54. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's
    machine, just tell us that you've lost your X: drive.
    We know all that shit by heart.

    55. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college,
    feel free to pick our brains while we're taking a leak.
    We're good at talking shop with our dicks in our hands.

    56. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
    come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office
    computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of
    Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access 95 database flip out.

    57. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at
    the office, leave the documentation at home. We'll find
    the jumper settings on the Internet.

    58. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting
    there and not doing anything. We're confident that with
    the next service pack they'll be able to dance the jig.

    59. The correct location to store important files is the
    Recycle Bin. It's just like a real office, where you
    keep your tax receipts in the blue can under your desk.

    60. If you curse every morning when you start to type your
    password and the Virus Shield splash screen pops up in
    your face, disable the Virus Shield.
    Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like
    condoms, just don't use them, that's all.

    61. If you hate PCs, get on the Internet and download one of
    those desktop enhancements that make your computer look
    just like a Mac, down to the sad faces replacing verbose
    error messages. We find it refreshing to troubleshoot
    the nuances in that sad little face instead of some cold
    forbidding hexadecimal integer.

    62. When you detect a French accent in a tech's voice, switch
    to French. We don't mind that your level of fluency is
    that of a mildly retarded 4-year-old; you don't make a
    whole lot of sense in your own mother tongue either.

    63. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful
    twits. It hurts our feelings that you could even think
    such a thing. We wish to express our deepest gratitude
    to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed herein,
    without whom none of this would have been remotely possible.

    64. Have you ever wondered what Tech Support does while you are on hold?
    Think about how long it takes to write a 64 point memo!




    Comments

    Y2K and Mickey Mouse

    by Mike and Evan Morton
    (to the tune of "The Mickey Mouse Club Theme Song")



    What's the buzzword for the bug
    That ends the century?
    Y-2-K ! Y-2-K ! P-A-N-I-C!

    Come along, and join the throng
    and raid the grocery
    D-I-S T-U-R B-A-N-C-E

    Beans and rice and spam (and guns!)
    Are all we need to be
    S-U-R V-I-V A-L-I-S-T

    Your box won't boot, so join the suit
    against the industry:
    M-A-L P-R-A C-T-I-C-E

    What will work and what will crash?
    It's all a mystery!
    P-R-E D-I-C A-M-E-N-T

    No more water, gas, or cash
    or electricity
    C-A-T A-S-T R-O-P-H-E

    Life gets nasty, brutish, short
    and poor as it can be
    A-P-O C-A-L Y-P-T-I-C

    Y2K (make a buck!), Y2K (make a buck!),
    Watch how consulting fees are raised up high!
    High! High! High!

    How did this whole mess occur
    and bring such misery?
    P-R-O (oh, sure, two digits is enough)
    G-R-A (airborne at midnight? good luck!)
    M-M-I-N-G !



    Comments

    Y2K Hairspray

    Imagine waking up on January 1, 2000, to find that not only does your
    computer not work, but that your hairdo looks like something out of the
    1900's. This could destroy your ability to work and cause serious personal
    and financial upheaval. In order to avoid this potentially devastating
    scenario, the Fetal Baboon company has developed a Y2K Hair Spray.

    Andrei De'Ber, spokesman for Fetal Baboon, claims that their new Y2K Hair
    Spray will "make sure that your hair is Y2K compliant." Said De'Ber, "Your
    hair is incapable of telling what the date is. That is why there are still
    some men and women who have outdated hairstyles from the late sixties and
    early seventies. This has not been a problem because we are still in the
    20th century. However, when we enter the 21st century men and women who have
    non-Y2K compliant hairstyles could face serious troubles. If they don't do
    something now then their lives could be like Armageddon."

    Fetal Baboon's new Y2K Hair Spray will automatically 'download' a Y2K
    compliant hair style by simply spraying the product on to your existing
    hairdo. There is no mess and no worries. People who use this new Y2K Hair
    Spray will have the ability to enter the millennium with confidence.

    Y2K Hair Spray should be available in your local stores by mid-March.

    Comments

    Y to K Conversion



    Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and under
    budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in
    every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files,
    including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to
    reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed
    the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all
    changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new
    standards:

    January, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September,
    October, November, December

    and...

    Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

    I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this
    Y-to-K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a
    global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
    And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which,
    what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year
    rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.


    Comments

    Y-Zero-K Problem


    Translated from Latin scroll dated 2BC




    Dear Cassius:

    Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to
    AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I
    don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around.
    Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
    thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of
    it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

    I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't
    done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said
    he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he
    simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as
    usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not
    have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrohard will
    make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.

    The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that
    all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to
    take out loans. Its an ill wind ......

    As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing
    upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who
    have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive
    until it's all over.

    I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at
    the turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to
    run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of
    life.

    Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.
    Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K
    problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops.

    If you have any ideas please let me know,

    Plutonius



    Comments

    Day of Atonement E-Mail Prayer
    by Mark Frydenberg


    On Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, we need to search our
    hearts and recognize our wrongs (the hardest part!), then do all we
    can to make amends to those we have wronged, and ask their forgivness.
    We then go to services and communally pray, asking the Higher Power
    for insight, strength, and forgiveness.



    For the sin which we have committed
    by responding too often,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by not posting at all when we have something valuable to say;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by responding angrily in haste,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by posting private email in a public forum;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by misinterpreting others' words,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by not expressing ourselves clearly;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by being sarcastic to other list members,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by not being tolerant of their positions;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by not explaining technical terms,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by assuming others know as much as we do;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by posting announcements directly,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by posting subscription commands to the list;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by forwarding messages without introduction
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by cross-posting our own messages to many other lists;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by not using an appropriate subject line,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by having a long .signature file;

    For the sin which we have committed
    by quoting others' posts in their entirety,
    And for the sin which we have committed
    by not providing context to our replies;

    For all of these, Forgiving One,
    Forgive Us, Pardon Us, and Grant Us Atonement.





    Comments


    Comments