Computer

101 Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say.

----------------------------

Uh-oh.....
Shit!!
What the hell!?
Go get your backup tape. (You do have a backup tape?)
That's SOOOOO bizarre.
Wow!! Look at this.....
Hey!! The suns don't do this.
Terminated??!
What software license?
Well, it's doing something.....
Wow....that seemed fast.....
I got a better job at Lockheed...
Management says...
Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgetted.
What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
It didn't do that a minute ago...
Where's the GUI on this thing?
Damn, and I just bought that pop...
Where's the DIR command?
The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
I cleaned up the root partition and now there's lots of free space.
What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
Do you smell something?
What's that grinding sound?
I have never seen it do *that* before...
I think it should not be doing that...
I remember the last time I saw it do that...
You might as well all go home early today ...
My leave starts tomorrow.
Ooops.
Hmm, maybe if I do this...
"Why is my "rm *.o" taking so long?"
Hmmm, curious...
Well, my files were backed up.
What do you mean you needed that directory?
What do you mean /home was on that disk? I umounted it!
Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
Oracle will be down until 8pm, but you can come back in and finish your work when it comes up tonight.
I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed your job.
Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs. Is that a problem to you?
We're standardizing on AIX.
Wonder what this command does?
What did you say your (l)user name was...? ;-)
You did what to the floppy???
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
NO! Not that button!
Uh huh......"nu -k $USER".. no problem....sure thing...
Sorry, we deleted that package last week...
[looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this running?"
Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
YEEEHA!!! What a CRASH!!!
What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
What's this switch for anyways...?
Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does
Say, What does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
If I knew it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
Was that your directory?
System coming down in 0 min....
The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with vi and a toothpick? More importantly, did you print it out?
OH, SH*T! (as they scrabble at the keyboard for ^c).
The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few hours. (This is said on a monday afternoon.)
I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip with out triping the breaker.
What is all this I here about static charges destroying computers?
I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system performance and I have it running now.
Ummm... Didn't you say you turned it off?
The network's down, but we're working on it. Come back after diner. (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline...)
Ooops. Save your work, everyone. FAST!
Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
I hate it when that happens.
And what does it mean 'rm: .o: No such file or directory'?
Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
Nobody was using that file /vmunix, were they?
You can do this patch with the system up...
What happens to a Hard Disk when you drop it?
The only copy of Norton Utilities was on THAT disk???
Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was on THAT disk....
What do mean by "fired"?
hey, what does mkfs do?
where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
...and if we just swap these two disc controllers like this...
don't do that, it'll crash the sys........ SHIT
what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
dd if=/dev/null of=/vmunix
find /usr2 -name nethack -exec rm -f {};
now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either
Any more trouble from you and your account gets moved to the 750
Ooohh, lovely, it runs SVR4
SMIT makes it all so much easier......
Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
I don't care what he says, I'm not having it on my network
We don't support that. We won't support that.
...and after I patched the microcode...
You've got TECO. What more do you want?
We prefer not to change the root password, it's an nice easy one
Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...

10 Commandments of Email


Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light
of the dawn.





And, here's the "Golden Rule" of E-Mail:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

1. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
2. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
3. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's
car.
4. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
5. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
6. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start
howling.
7. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
8. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
9. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
10. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your
fabulous paperweight collection.

The 10 Types of Users


El Explicito - "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but
now it doesn't, ya know?"
Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.
Disadvantages: So do chimps.
Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns
Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and
said, "I can't get what I want!" The pod manager leaned
back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, "Well,
ma'am, you've come to the right place."



Mad Bomber - "Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and
now it looks all weird."
Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.
Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without
meaning to.
Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter
ratio in WordPerfect
Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document
was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found
that he'd set and unset underline more than fifty times in
his document.



Frying Pan/Fire Tactician - "It didn't work with the data set we had, so I
fed in my aunt's recipe for key lime pie."
Advantages: Will usually fix error.
Disadvantages: 'Fix' is defined VERY loosely here.
Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of
fixing them.
Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but
didn't do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty
minutes before realizing that they'd commented out EVERY
LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could
get it to compile."



Shaman - "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick,
and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo,
it did compile."
Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.
Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.
Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.
Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their
disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but
empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it).
Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*,
they wouldn't shut up until the scon checked four different
disks for the missing information.



X-user - "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite
impressive, really."
Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.
Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in
graphics technology.
Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness
Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at
DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I
suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat
down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly
what they wanted to do, even though they couldn't log in.



Miracle Worker - "But it read a file from it yesterday!" 'Sir, at a
guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.'
"But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it
yesterday!"
Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren't around.
Disadvantages: People complain when scons actually use the word
'horse-puckey'.
Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you're around.
Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.
Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they've loaded IBM
WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.



Taskmaster - "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can
upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there,
download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and
put it in three-column format?"
Advantages: Bold new challanges.
Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.
Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make
machines do things they don't want to do.
Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another
person's E-mail address was even though the user didn't
know his target's home system, account name, or real name.



Maestro - "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on,
like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like
this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and
after that I went to this line here, like this, and after
that I picked my nose, like this. . ."
Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.
Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.
Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay,
but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the
phrase, "Well, I'm getting to that."
Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user's
shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document
into itself and denied that they did it (the user was
complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same
thing).



Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) -
"I need a Mac, and someone's got the one I like reserved,
would you please garrote him and put him in the paper
recycling bin?"
Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.
Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on
this planet.
Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.
Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because
he (the user) didn't like it.



Complete Idiot - "Why can't I copy this 25 megabyte text file onto a
360K floppy disk?"
Advantages: Believe anything that you tell them, because they don't
have a clue. Often observed wearing aluminum foil
under hat or garlic around neck to ward off evil
computer viruses.
Disadvantages: Cannot follow directions. Doesn't grasp simple concepts,
like the meaning of the word "no."
Symptoms: Holding hands under monitor during power failure,
hoping to catch letters as they fall off of screen.
Also observed playing Van Halen tape in Commodore-64
cassette drive, trying to get a transcript of the lyrics.
Most likely to have a bottle of white out next to monitor.
Real Case: User once wrote program for simulations class that
created 25 megabyte output file of every possible way to
safely put 8 queens on a chess board, using "*"'s to draw
board. Insisted that instructor wanted this printed and
handed in. (Instructor only wanted to know the number.)
User wouldn't take the hint when her access to all line
printers was revoked after trying to print this file 4
times. Decided to slip it by and print to Diablo 630
daisywheel printer. Result: 14 pages of output and a
broken "*" on the printwheel before the file and program
were deleted with the permission of the instructor.
Fourth year computer science student that couldn't figure
out that in the best case, this file would take 4965 pages
(2+ boxes of paper) and 7.6 days to print.
Career Path: Gets programming job at Microsoft writing next version
of Windows. Gets PhD in Artificial Intelligence, since
they lack any natural intelligence. Dies of
electrocution using hair dryer in pool, despite safety
labels and tags.

(The irony of this is that this individual was later hired as the Academic
Computer Center manager, and she spends her day screaming at students who
print 2 copies of their resume on a laser printer.)

10 years Ago...





An application was for employment












A program was a television show














Windows were something
you hated to clean,












A keyboard was a piano













A cursor used profanity












Memory was something you lost with age












A CD was a bank account















And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped no one found out











Compress was something you did to garbage











If you unzipped in public you went to jail

















Log on was adding wood to a fire














A hard drive was a long trip on the road















A mouse pad was where a mouse lived















And a backup happened to your toilet














Cut you did with scissors













Paste you did with glue












A web was a spider's home













And a virus was the flu!!!






WOW HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime...and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

1776
(If they had computers back then... )



Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen, the summer grows hot, and it is
essential that we complete this Declaration of Independence.

Mr. Franklin: Wait a minute, Thomas. I have to reboot here.

Mr. Jefferson: That's all right, Ben. We'll go on without you.
Has everyone had a chance to look at the draft I posted
yesterday?

Mr. Sherman: Not yet, Thomas, I've been having Notes
replication problems.

Mr. Adams: Here, Roger, I brought a hard copy.
Mr. Sherman: Thanks... saaaaay, nice font.

Mr. Adams: Do you like it? I downloaded it off Colonies
Online just last week.

Mr. Jefferson: Gentlemen! There is work to be done. I fear
our document will soon leak out.

Mr. Livingston: Too late, Thomas. There's already a bootleg
circulating. I saw it posted on alt.georgeIII.sucks last night.

Mr. Franklin: @#$$%^$# General Protection Fault!

Mr. Adams: Ben, you might try upgrading to Windows 75.
It solved that problem for me.

Mr. Sherman: Thomas, the part here about the Acts of
Pretended Legislation; have you considered using bullets
to air out the text?

Mr. Jefferson: I can fix that easily enough. Drat! I've spilled
candle wax on my keyboard again.

Mr. Adams: You know, Thomas, that wouldn't happen if you'd
buy an active-matrix screen.

Mr. Franklin: Hard-disk failure?!? Aw, criminy!!

Mr. Livingston: Are you sure it's "unalienable rights"? My
spell checker recommends "unassailable".

Mr. Jefferson: Can we stick to the substance of the document,
please? Shoot. Low battery. Anyone got a spare power cable?

Mr. Sherman: What have you got, a Toshiba? No, mine isn't
compatible.

Mr. Franklin: Hello, PCs Philadelphia? What does it mean
when the floppy drive buzzes? OK, I'll hold.....

Mr. Livingston: The "In Congress" part here at the top; have
you thought about blowing that up really big and maybe
centering it in 72 point Helvetica?

Mr. Jefferson: Not a bad idea. Aw, nuts! Word macro virus!
I can't save the file.

Mr. Franklin: That's all right, Thomas. We can manage. Here,
borrow my quill pen....

5MB Hard Disk in 1956 - Its a hard disk in 1956.... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive!

Diary of an AOL User


July 18 - I just tried to connect to America Online. I've heard it is
the best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! I'd
better hold onto it incase they don't ever send me anther one! I
can't connect. I don't know what is wrong.

July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he
think I am?

July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It
wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.

July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old
next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.

July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he
says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and
he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks
who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications
software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack
holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they
have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone
jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem
makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.

July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not
this internet thing. I'm confused.

July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is
compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.

July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer
but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm
connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS
THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A
CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT
THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN
IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS
TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT
CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT
THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA!
HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS
GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE.
I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO
REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE
TIMES.

AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE
PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING!
HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its
probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited.
I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted
it to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will
have to work on it some more.

August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked
but I can't find that group.

August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the
kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house
he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they
wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I
don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe
they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts
of the joke and they used bad words.

August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my
new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want
to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that
short story I like.

August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I
told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.

A confused caller was having troubles printing documents. He told
the technician that the computer had said that it ''could not find the
printer.'' The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face
the printer--but his computer still could not 'see' the printer.

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocketknife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.

I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
No one's been killed in a computer crash
But it makes their face turn red!

To avoid any potential Y2K problems, many companies and individuals are
replacing their computers with Etch-A-Sketches. Other advantages of an
Etch-A-Sketch over computers include:



No glitches keeping work from being done.
No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
Ease of operation.



Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical
Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.


Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Abbott and Costello Meet Windows 95



Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it
off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then -
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I'm willing to press the
Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one
in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started
this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Abort, Retry, Ignore?


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing
spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as
hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Abraham's Computer



One fine evening, Abraham the patriarch (you remember him) was
busy in his tent loading Windows-95 on his PC when Isaac, his
son, comes home.



Isaac takes one look and exclaims, "Hey, Pop!
What you're doing won't work. For Windows-95 you need at least
a fast 486, at least 60 megabytes free on your hard drive, and
lots more memory than you have here."

Abraham
replies, "Isaac, Isaac my son. I'm an old man and not in much
of a hurry so my 386 will be just fine. I've got plenty of
space on my hard drive. And, you shouldn't worry about the
memory. I'm sure G-d will provide the RAM."

Haiku:

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku
poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17
syllables; 5 syllables in the first, 7 in the second, 5 in
the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message,
often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight
through extreme brevity. Here are some actual error messages
from Japan. Aren't these better than "your computer has
performed an illegal operation?"

The Web site you seek
Cannot be located, but
Countless more exist.
--------------------------------------------
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
--------------------------------------------
Program aborting
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
--------------------------------------------
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
--------------------------------------------
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
--------------------------------------------
Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
--------------------------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
--------------------------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
--------------------------------------------
Three things are certain
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
--------------------------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
--------------------------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
--------------------------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
--------------------------------------------
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
--------------------------------------------

From: chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com (Chuck Musciano)
Subject:Addicted To Vi
After reading about a poor wretch who had become addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert Palmer.

As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in black and dancing sinuously.


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)
You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

Copyright 1989, by Chuck Musciano. All Rights Reserved.

:wq

Alien Transmission



Scientists this week decoded the first confirmed alien transmission from
outer space. Here is the text of the message that they decoded:

"This really works! Just send 5*10^50 atoms of hydrogen to each of the five
star systems listed below. Then, add your own system to the top of the
list, delete the system at the bottom, and send out copies of this message
to 100 other solar systems. If you follow these instructions, within 0.25
of a galactic rotation you are guaranteed to receive enough hydrogen in
return to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum!"

Always Accessible
by Joe Lavin


I was given this new cell phone at work, but I'm starting to think it's
defective. You see, it tends to ring a lot. Like, for example, I'll be minding
my own business walking to lunch, and suddenly it'll just start ringing.
Even worse, when I answer it, it'll often be someone asking me a question
about work. I'm thinking of calling the manufacturer to see if they can fix
it. It's really starting to bug me.

Yes, like many others, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into
the world of cellular phones. I long vowed I would never own a cell
phone, and to be honest I still don't. My employer owns it. I'm just the
one forced to carry it around.

I suppose it's really not so bad. It is convenient, and the phone can even
fit into the palm of my hand. It's a nifty little gadget, and part of me (the
part that forgets how evil cell phones are) likes having it. Yes, I can be
reached at any time, but I can also turn it off and let the calls go to voice
mail.

Of course, it's still tough to have a good excuse for ignoring the phone.

"I called earlier, Joe, but you didn't answer."

"Oh, sorry about that. I just went out for a second."

"So what? You have a cell phone."

"Um, I mean, I was in. That's it. I was in and couldn't get your call. Oh,
damn the batteries are running low, and I think I'm walking into a tunnel.
Let me get back to you."

While I may look oh-so-important when walking around with my cell
phone, the only reason that I have it is because I don't have a real phone.
My new job at Harvard is to go around to different departments and help
them pay bills with Harvard's new financial system. I'm rarely at my
desk -- hence, the evil cell phone.

I still feel squeamish about having it, and I have yet to make a call while
in public. After all, I just don’t like having to subject others to my phone
calls. On some days, I don’t even like subjecting myself to them.

And whenever it does ring, I feel slightly embarrassed. Well, actually,
first I look around confused for a second before exclaiming to whoever
I'm with, "Oh, that's me!" I'm not at all prepared to conduct a business
call while walking around. God forbid when someone actually gives me a
number. The other day, if by chance you saw an idiot on a cell phone in
the middle of Harvard Yard trying to use a tree as a writing surface for a
piece of scrap paper, that was me. Luckily, I did get the proper
information, but even then I managed somehow to schedule a meeting
for my day off.

To be honest, I really shouldn't feel so self-conscious. I'm certainly not
alone. I'm simply one of over 70 million Americans with a cell phone. All
over, cell phones are suddenly pervasive. More and more restaurant
owners have been forced to ban cell phones so that people will stop
yakking into them during meals. Many theater owners have complained
about cell phones ringing in the middle of plays and movies.
Increasingly, states are even considering laws restricting the use of car
phones.

And then there are the people at sporting events. Lately, I've been
watching the baseball playoffs, and during most every game you will
now see some loser sitting behind home plate with a cell phone waving
at someone on the phone. I suppose it's an innocent act, but it still makes
one yearn for a sudden foul ball.

"Hi, Mom. It's me. I'm on TV. See me waving. Right where the foul ball is
about to -- AAAAARGGHH!"

Not that I should really wish such a thing on anyone, but there's
something about cell phone users that most people hate. Well, let me
correct that. Most people would hate them except that most people are
now starting to own cell phones of their own, and so it becomes more
difficult to hate the cell phone users.

Especially for me. After all, if you want to reach my apartment, you can
now do so with one of four different numbers. My roommate Anna and I
have separate phone numbers, and each of us has a cell phone too.

I have a feeling that we might just be a little too connected to the world.
You think?

1
2
3
4
1
2
3
4
Booooooooooo-t!
{pause}
{faster}
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!

Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Process Process Process Process Process Process Process Process
Fork!


Process... Kill!

{slower}


You can have your VMS,
You can have your MS-DOS,
You can even have you Windows NT,
But don't you fuck with me,
I've Got BSD,

And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

{slightly faster}


So I'll protect my memory,
Put my files in a tree,
And when I'm a server, I'll never crash!

'Cuz I'm written in C.
For good Port-a-bility!
And I'm old, but I keep getting bet-ter!

Made by ATT,
GNU keeps me Free!
I'm the best damn OS on the net! v

So, you can have your VMS,
you can have your MS-DOS,
you can have your Washington Mon-op-oly!
But don't you fuck with me,
Yeah, don't you fuck with me,
Cuz I've Got BSD,
I've Got BSD,

And I'll go preemptive, when I fork...

Ancient Tech Support


The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out
a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
not burn Lorto hand.
Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

If AOL Was a City


You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name, and all
were h0t 17/f cheerleaders with a fetish for pierced gay Dobermans in
spandex.

You'd only pay $19.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted
by slimy little door-to-door salescreeps offering you great AOL
14.4 modems for only $399.99

The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you
try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic knocks you back into
your yard.

48 hours after moving in, your mailbox would be overflowing with
special offers, promotions and discounts from www.cuntsmack.com

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.


The administration would kick you out of town for cursing after one
of those brutal toe stubs.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important you are to us".

The administration would tell your boss to either pay up, or move
his slack-ass company somewhere else.

Everyone on the street would have something to do with kiddy porn,
and this business would account for 75% of all city revenue.

Every time you went to the mall, people would run up to you and
violently scream M/F??!!, AGE/SEX?!?! or g0t PH1SH d3wd?!11 while
little kids called your cell phone saying "Wanna FUCK?"

Those that didn't do that would call you and say " Hi, I'm j0e hax0r
from the town council. We had a database crash and lost your tax
records. Please give us your address and the key to your house or we
will be forced to evict you and your family."

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming 'WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE"


Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh behind your back.

Even your 3 year old son would know the intimate personal details of
the town security expert.

You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer
telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation, but that
it's really the Earth's fault.

The local McDonalds sign would be realistically changed to "McHax0r
Wuz H3r3" and "Gr33tz 2 K}It0sawruz" almost daily. Police don't
investigate, but do show up with little scrubby tools, or just remove
the sign altogether.

Half the kids in the daycare you use are thinly disguised fat, hairy,
drooling, diapered men holding sacks of candy.

Your daughter would disappear to the No-Tell Motel every night, and
you'd foot the bill.

Putting up controversial art in your home would result in the police
bashing in your door, throwing your ass on the floor, and kicking the
shit out of you while saying "Ya got two chances left, jerk.
ROFLMAO LOL!!"

You'd send your kids to school for history, math and science, but
they'd wind up studying ph1shing, one-handed typing, and annoying
acronyms.

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new
arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with crap,
and vacate before sunup.

The administration would secretly sell off chunks of their personal
land in the city, while buying up neighboring cities with imaginary
funds.

The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and
allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly demanding money while
ripping down the swings and beating the fuck out of kids currently
playing there.

Don't forget the AOL playground, which is locked so that the kiddies
can not get out "for safety reasons", and then hordes of perverts &
pedophiles are allowed in.

The police would work for free out of some sort of "duty" to the
city, but would secretly only be doing it for the free food stamps.

Upon waking every morning, a voice from above would shout "HEY! YOU
DO WANT A STINKIN' AOL VISA, DON'T YOU?" To which you say "no". The
voice then replies "OK, I'LL ASK YOU TOMORROW".

A trip to the local library would find you a few ancient doom 2
patches, commercial pix of Pamela Anderson Lee, and a viral copy of
PkZip 2.04g

Community events would be periodically interrupted because of the
speaker randomly flying out of the meeting hall and appearing several
minutes later with some stupid comment about a Punt Monster.

Your neighbors would be called to leave on pilgrimages to a mystical
land called USENET, where they would bleat the virtues of your fair
city.

Somewhere in another city, David Cassel would be sitting with a
telescope trained on City Hall, smiling contentedly.

An AOL Dictionary (abridged)
by Jim Mica JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU


AOL America On Line (TM) A grand scheme for democratizing
the INTERNET. Let all the rabble participate, if
they've got the money. Rumor has it that Rush Limbaugh,
fer crying out loud, uses the service.

AoL America Off Line (SM) Opps, too many to handle. The
service is about to crash...

AOL (as in AOL.COM) Cryptic address which marks the
addressee as {probably} a bumptious newby who, like some
icky younger sibling, will breathlessly proffer the
electronic equivalent of a 5th generation photo-copy
(identified by all them >>>>>>s in the text) of some
tired old joke as hot new humor.

AOL (ca. 12/96) America On Line (TM) now with unlimited
access for a set fee. Kinda reminds one of those old
Nuclear Energy commercials where they said that
electricity would become so cheap there would be no need
to meter it! Too much of a good thing?

AOL Americans Outta Luck Thousands, nay millions, of them
sitting there trying to get online and not being able
to. Still, ya gotta wonder, just how many bought the
service and installed the software without realizing
that your computer needs to have a modem on it for you
to get to the INTERNET?

AOL Americans Organizing Law Suits. That's the ticket!
Finally the masses are revolting.

Bye Bye to America Online
[To the tune of "American Pie"]


A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day
the service
died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch* a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography *

But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.


And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.


So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.


I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.

12 Days of Christmas - AOL style


On the twelfth day of AOL those buttheads gave to me,

12 reasons to cancel,
11 channels not working,
10 hours without mail,
9 frozen chat rooms,
8 hours of busy signals,
7 frozen IMs,
6 disconnections,
5 web crashes,
4 idiots at tech help,
3 error messages,
2 pieces of junk mail,
and a jerk cursing in a chat room.

Here are some conversations, from Microsoft, which had actually taken
place between help desk people and their customers:

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a
document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24
hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, now click your left mouse button."
Customer: (silence) "But I only have one mouse."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote'click'."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I received the software update you sent,but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer "No..."

---------------------------------
Customer: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support: ?@#$

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer: "How do you spell that?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support: "Well then we can't-"
Customer: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to
try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're
on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

---------------------------------
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

---------------------------------
Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

---------------------------------
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

---------------------------------
Customer: "I have a long distance modem."

---------------------------------
Customer: "I don't have a space bar."

Modern Automobile Advances



I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

"Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this
remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and
the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries ...
it's a long walk."

The Ballad of Y2K
(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")


Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date

RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
"Four digits are extravagant,
So let's get by with two.
So let's get by with two."

"This works through 1999,"
The programmers did say.
"Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away."

But management had not a clue;
"It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We won't do it just yet.
We won't do it just yet."

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won't bring your pension check;
It won't be sent to you
When you're no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we're about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of code's
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure

[[ key change, the big finish coming]]

There's not much time, there's too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
We may be finished, too.

>If Bill Gates were killed in a car accident. He might
find himself being sized up by God.

"...Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in the world, and yet
you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do
something I've never done before. In your case, I'm
going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference
between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy
beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.

The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God.
"If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels
drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his
decision. "Hmm, I think prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave.

He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and
disappointment, "This is awful; this is NOT what I
expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver."

How is a computer like Britney Spears?

They're both cheap, white, and plastic.

Computer Bumper Stickers




1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is
stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files
and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget
it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive
upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week
after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a
daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote
terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and
forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Won't let you query the system for
information.

Rush Limbaugh virus: Biases everything to the right.

Ken Starr virus: Expands a focused search of a specific file into
a global interregation of every existing file. Creates links
between unrelated data. Works extremely slow while searching and
compiling results.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear
to really do much of anything.

Saddam Hussein virus: Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michael virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing
excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when
you're really enjoying it.

David Caruso NYPD Blue virus: After running successfully for a
while, it exits the program it was in and never works again.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

X-files virus: All your Icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll
be back.

This page used to have a funny image on it. Later on, it was converted to a little forum. Please read on and contribute.

Leave your phone numbers, where you are from, your email address, etc. and have a good time here.

COBOL Cruddy Obsolete Boring Old Language
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
EMACS Escape Meta Alt Control ShiftEight Megs And Continually Swapping
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
JPEG Joyful Pictures of Exposed Genitals
MPEG Motion Prediction by Educated Guessing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts with tassled pasties
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
|oo| android breasts

What did one computer say to the other?

010101101010101010101

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that
can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs
$10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief
pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It
will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was
and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if
this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went
back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and
deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed
out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a
rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They
aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better."

The Computercist
By Ian Wolff


Although rare, computer possessions have lately been recorded at an
increasingly alarming rate. However, to date, the most celebrated case
of (documented) computer possession took place on the evening of June
23rd, 1997, in the small upscale town of Menlo Park, CA. For the sake
of the victim and his family he is referred to in the following case
file simply as 'Tad.'

(Case #27-198TAD Monday, Oct 23rd, 1997... 6:42pm)

"I'm so glad you're here," said the beleaguered looking middle aged
woman as she ushered the two gentlemen callers into her living room and
bade them sit, "I'll just be a moment," she continued, hastening into
the kitchen and returning with three steaming mugs of freshly brewed
coffee.

"Tell me what you can, Miss Snyder, I'd like to get started as soon as
possible." Said Jacob, the more elderly of the two gentlemen.

"It all started last night," she began, "Tad, that's my son's name,
Tad. Tad had been locked away in his room for the past three weeks, I
thought he was just studying hard since his finals were coming up and
all, so I left him alone. Until last night, that is, that's when I
entered his room and..." she began to tremble, tears rolled down her
cheeks and she dropped her coffee mug to the floor with a crash.

Karrass, the younger of the two gentlemen, leapt to her aid. "There,
there," he said, holding her tight and patting her on the back,
"everything will be all right

Jacob arose from the couch and taking the large black suitcase in hand,
caught Karrass's gaze and motioned him towards the stairs. "It's time,"
he whispered, "come along now."

They climbed the stairs quickly and Karrass reached for the boy's
bedroom door. "Stop!" hissed Jacob, "there are a few things we have to
get straight first. Number one, you'll have to keep IT busy while I
install a surge protector."

"A surge protector?"

"Yes, trust me. If the power goes, so goes the boy. It happened to me
once before and I'm still paying for it. Not the child, the computer.
"Do you know how much a fully loaded Compaq Impresario costs!" Her
father kept screaming in my face. Meanwhile his daughter's soul had
just been sucked into cyberhell. It was very sad, not to mention
expensive."

"Gotcha, I'll keep it busy while you install the surge protector.
Anything else?"

"Yes, whatever you do, don't listen to it. It will try and make you
angry. It will lie, twist your words, show you unflattering pictures of
your loved ones on its monitor and tell you that your mother's in it's
nudie files. Do NOT believe IT! Well, unless of course..."

"NO," shrieked Karrass, "she couldn't be!"

"Fine then, are you ready?" Karrass nodded in the affirmative and the
two men entered the room. It was worse than Jacob had expected and
nearly more than Karrass could take in.

The boy lay prostrate upon the bed, a 56k modem was attached to the left
side of his abdominal region, while several wires leading from multiple
outlets looked to have installed themselves throughout every orifice the
boy owned. It seemed to Karrass as if the boy and the computer had
become one. The room stank of burnt wires and singed pubic hair. The
walls were awash with downloaded girlie pictures and more pornography,
thought Jacob, than a Larry Flynt archive. "I wonder what type of
finals he was preparing for," whispered Karrass.

Suddenly the monitor sprang to life and the hiss of the speakers filled
the room. "Nice day for a computercism," came the deep croaking voice,
"we've been expecting you."

Karrass pulled a chair next to the bed and sat down, he took the
keyboard and placing it on his lap, typed "who are you?"

"You have mail!" Blasted the speakers, followed by a wicked giggle.
"Never mind who I am," it continued, "I'm not giving up the boy and
that's all you need to know, Karrass. That is your name isn't it? And
stop typing, I can hear you just fine, I'm wired to the little pinhead's
eardrums."

"What should we call you?" Asked Jacob, while covertly slipping the
surge protector from the suitcase. "If I tell you," came the voice and
this time from the boy's own lips, "I'll have to kill you. But if you
must know, It's Mort."

"MORT?" Chimed the two men.

"Hey, you asked."

"Do you know why we are here, Mort?" Asked Jacob, while installing the
surge protector. "I know why you THINK you're here," it responded, "but
you're terribly mistaken, the NERD IS MINE!!" Came another blast from
the speakers, this time causing both men to cover their ears. Jacob
pulled a pair of wire cutters from the bag and snipped the speaker
wires. "Very sneaky," it said, now from the boy's mouth. "Hey Karrass,
look what your father's been up to."

Karrass gazed at the monitor, there, in full color, was his very own
father, dressed in a white teddy, a flowing pink negligee, and six-inch
spiked black heels.

"That's not my father!" Screamed Karrass.

"Karrass!" Shouted Jacob, "what did I tell you!" Karrass sat
motionless, unable to peel his gaze from the hideous picture. Jacob
pulled a shirt from the closet and draped it over the monitor.
"Karrass," he said, taking the man by the shoulders and shaking him
violently, "snap out of it."

Karrass gazed up at Jacob, his face drained of color, "did you see it,
Jacob?"

"Yes, it was horrible, but I warned you that might happen. Besides, it
could have been worse, it could have been MY father. Actually the
negligee seemed to fit quite well and as for the..."

"Stop," Karrass interrupted, while placing both hands to his stomach,
"no more, please."

Jacob brought Karrass a glass of water from the connecting bathroom and
delved into his bag, it was time to stop playing, he thought, and get
down to some serious work. He removed a small vile labeled 'Bill Gate's
saliva' and popped the cap. "Be gone from this child of the Internet!"
He shouted, while flicking some of the vile's contents across the boy's
body, the monitor, keyboard and modem.

"AHHHHH It burns, it burns!" Screamed the unholy and writhing
assemblage. "Your mothers on my hard-drive Jacob!" It shrieked,
spitting a stream of keyboard cleaning solution into Jacob's face.

Jacob continued, undaunted. "You will leave this nerd now! You will
return this computer geek now! By the almighty text of HTML, so be it
written, so be you confused by it, and all things computerized
accordingly shall confuse you...!"

"Stop!" Howled the beast, it's wires now sparking and sending a bluish
smoke into the air. "The monitor turned completely around on it's axis,
several floppy discs began flying about the room, one hitting Karrass
squarely in the crotch, causing him to drop to the floor in agony.

Jacob strove on, "Bill Gates compels you! Steve Wozniak compels you!
Steve Jobs compels you!" With each incantation he thrust another
sprinkling of saliva upon the beast. "Henry Ford compels you!"

"He made cars," moaned a still agonizing Karrass.

"Oh right, sorry, I've been meaning to delete that. Be gone from this
boy you demon!" It was working, the wires began detaching themselves
from the boy. "Jacob!" shouted an excited Karrass, "it's working! Read
from Genesis, Jacob. Genesis!"

Jacob flipped to the front of the book and began reading. "In the
beginning there was a garage, and Steve and Steve saw the garage, and
they liked it, saying 'this is a good garage. 'DAMN!" He suddenly
blurted, throwing the vile across the room. "What is it?" Asked
Karrass. "No more saliva," replied Jacob. "This happens every time he
continued, while feverishly digging through the suitcase, "that's the
trouble with billionaires, they can't produce enough saliva because they
have nothing to salivate for!"

Suddenly the boy sat up and thrust the mouse in Jacob's face, "click me,
click me, click me," it repeated in a hideous croak, "click me!" Jacob
pushed the mouse away and pulling a floppy disk from his bag, held it
before the boy's eyes. The boy immediately recoiled and began to
whimper, "please don't," it pleaded. "Not a virus, please. I'll be
good, I promise, I'll give you fifteen free hours and unlimited access
to Catholic Nymphos?"

Jacob handed the disc to Karrass and ordered him to load it. Then
turning back to the beast, he fixed it with a steely glare and with a
twinkle in his eye shouted "fax you and the mouse you clicked in on!"

The two men stepped back as the virus began spreading like poison
throughout the beast. Random pictures began flashing across the
monitor, Newt Gingrich, Keith Richards, Cool Whip, The official Vaseline
page.

"Oh there's a pretty picture," whispered Jacob, while Karrass clutched
at his already overtaxed stomach. Suddenly the room fell silent, the
monitor went black and a thick blue smoke began streaming from the boy's
ears. "It's over," said Jacob, wiping the sweat from his brow. Karrass
approached the bed and leaned over the boy, "Tad?" He whispered. The
boy's eyes opened, "who are you?" He asked, "and where's my mother?"

Meanwhile....

Little Kathy dashed through her front door and ran straight away into
her bedroom. Life in little Ackle, New Zealand, had always been rather
boring, she thought, that is until her parents had recently given in and
bought her a brand new computer. She booted up the system and watched
as the pretty colors and 'way cool' graphics danced before her eyes.
"You have Mail!" Hissed the speakers. "Wow, cool!" She squealed, while
leaning forward to read the name upon her screen. "How totally weird,"
she whispered, while clicking to open the file, "I don't know anyone
named Mort."

A computer geek loved a girl who studies computer science.

He sent a letter, saying:

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN MY COMPUTER Believe me it is true ...

You installed the best in me.

Your picture is always in my background.

You clicked my heart gently.

You drive me crazy when I see you.

Your love reset my life and deleted all the sadness in me.

You restored my kindness after I thought it was corrupted.

I'm always connected to you with more than 56 heart beat per second.

You hacked my brain and registered your name in it.

You are the only one that could navigate my feelings and explore my
emotions at the same time.

I feel lost when I try to call you and you are not responding.

I always feel you close to me when I shut down my eyes, or when I open
my windows waiting for you to pass.

You are the only one that can log into my heart and never log out.

I dream of being your only server as long as I live.

You don't have to search for me, cause we are always linked to each
others.

I see your name everywhere, my front page, my homepage and all my
software.

I scanned my life and found that I'm only infected by you.

You are the virus I'd never remove, and why should I do?

Believe me it is true...

I love you more than my CPU!!!!

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

A Fucking-Know-It-All.

A computer flashed a message to its user:

"I give up! I can't handle it anymore! Let the chips fall where they
may!"

So you think you're computer-illiterate ?



1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
"Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
"Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the
diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech
to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and
crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the
technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper
by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send"
key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a
Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a
couple of friends, "the customer replied. When told Egghead was a
software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to
find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because
I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a
trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of
the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Q: How does a computer tell you it needs more memory?

A: It says ''byte me'''

You know you're a computer nerd when you know more IP addresses than
phone numbers!

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me, as I am interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding
May my website be protected?
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line always connected
And all my inputs be accepted
Please keep my entire pr