Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and
scream, "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and
look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty
that you can't get the darned thing to work. After he/she's turned it
on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a
good half hour.
Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a
different screen than the one it's set up with.
Write a program that plays the "Pokemon" theme song and play it at
the highest volume possible over and over again.
Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by
something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Use AIM to make passes at people you don't know.
Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it,
say, "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Type on VAX for awhile. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes about
everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if
they're crazy while typing.
Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
Ask around for a spare zip disk. Offer $1. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops. Forgot."
Every time you press return and there is processing time required,
pray, "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!"
when it finishes.
Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you,
whether you know them or not.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type
by hitting the keys with the straw.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Thong
Song" whenever there is processing time required.
Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper and tape it
to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then
complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge in the disk drive. When it doesn't
work, get the supervisor.
When you start up a PC, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was a line or two.
Sit and stare at the screen, chomping on your nails. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next
to you. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person
enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
more effective to let them linger.
If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them, and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British royal family on
your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and
place them on top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and
drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the
aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper
like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad
Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in a great flood" and
Bring some dry ice and make it look like the computer is smoking.
Assign a musical note to every key (ex. the delete key is A flat).
Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper
Attempt to eat your computer mouse.
Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?" unplugging the keyboard, and taking
Bring in a bunch of magnets and have a ball.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes
the old ways are best.
Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until
you see that your neighbor is noticing. Then look at your neighbor's
keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire
word. While you do this, ask: "Does your delete key work?" Shake your
head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing
this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document.
Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the
space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print
out your document and leave.
Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor
and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects,
put some glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
Stare at your neighbor's screen, look really puzzled, burst out
laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.
Point at the screen. Chant in a made-up language while making
elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the
mouse, then leap back and yell, "COVEEEEERRRRR!" Peek up from under
the table, walk back to the computer and say "Oh, good. It worked this
time," and calmly start to type again.
Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a
chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound
effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the
lead doesn't work.
Come into the computer lab wearing several extra-stinky species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily exclaim, "You're such a marvel!" and kiss the screen. Repeat
this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the
keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, the computer assistant, and then
Run into the computer lab, shout, "The Apocalypse is here!" then
calmly sit down and begin to type.
Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev 'er up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next
Two words: Tesla Coil.