Net Snoop

Net Snoop
by Joe Lavin -- http://joelavin.com


"As computers and the Internet grow more prevalent, employers
increasingly are using software to monitor workers' computer use.
Employers say such surveillance is needed to cut down on-line loafing,
to protect companies from potentially illegal or improper computer
activities by workers, and even just to determine whether there is any
problem of computer misuse." -- The Boston Globe


To: All Staff
From: Charles Endicott

As many of you are aware, we have recently installed a new Net Snoop
computer monitoring system to help us track employee Internet use. I
want to assure you that we are using Net Snoop only to increase our
productivity. While the system does allow me to view what is on your
computer screen at all times, this in no way should be viewed as an
invasion of privacy. It is merely an attempt to make our family here at
Warburton's more successful than ever.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Congratulations on your recent Minesweeper score of 163. That is very
impressive indeed. However, while conducting a test of our new Net
Snoop system, I did notice that you might be playing too much
Minesweeper at work. In fact, yesterday you played all day, with only a
break for lunch and another break in which to write a short e-mail to
Raoul in Accounting entitled "Thanks for last night, STUD!!!" An
occasional game of Minesweeper is fine, but it would be best to play
only during your break time. Thank you.

To: Max Travis
From: Charles Endicott

It was a delight meeting your son yesterday. However, I did notice that
while you were at a meeting, he surfed to some very frightening web
sites. One was for a singer called Marilyn Manson and was, I must say,
deeply unsettling. I don't mean to accuse you of bad parenting; I just
thought I should inform you so that you may take the appropriate
disciplinary action.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

While it is impressive that you have been able to download almost the
entire Pamela Anderson video collection, I feel that this action is not at
all appropriate in the workplace. From now on, Pedersen, please refrain
from using company computers to view pornographic materials. Thank
you.

To Raoul Westerburg
From: Charles Endicott

It seems that your excessive online chatting may be a problem. Many of
your messages seem quite racy for the office setting, and I think it is
important that everyone remains fully clothed at all times during the
workday. Also, from a review of your e-mail, it is apparent that you are
involved romantically with at least three women and possibly one man in
our office. There is no policy against this, but I do think it is important
that something like this does not get out of hand. We certainly do not
want this office to turn into a soap opera, and I hope that this can all be
resolved without a scene.

To: George Pedersen
From: Charles Endicott

Pedersen, I believe I have already warned you against viewing offensive
materials. This extends to the use of e-mail as well. I must say that your
latest e-mail joke about the cow was not at all amusing and in fact deeply
disturbing. As you should know, such an activity can be quite painful
for a cow, and I do not believe it is right for us to laugh at its misfortune.
Furthermore, sending this out to a large number of people from a
Warburton's e-mail address is completely unacceptable. I hope this will
not happen again.

To: Melissa March
From: Charles Endicott

Through Net Snoop, I was able to read several chapter of the new novel
you are writing at work. I was very impressed, but I also feel that it would
be best if you could refrain from writing this during work hours. Chapter
Three, "Why Raoul is a two timing creep who deserves to die" was
especially well written, though I am a little hurt by Chapter Six, "My boss
is a big fat nosy bastard." If you are at all unhappy, I hope you will stop
by my office so that we can discuss it. My door is always open.

To: All Staff
From: Samuel Warburton

It is with great regret that I have asked for the resignation of Charles
Endicott. He was in the past a very effective manager, but, since the
introduction of our Net Snoop system, Charles has been greatly
neglecting his work. During the last several weeks, he has not been
performing his normal tasks at all; instead, he has merely been sitting in
his office all day spying on other employees. I have decided it would be
best to look for a replacement. I appreciate all your hard work and I know
that we will be able to continue at our normal level of success
throughout the coming transition. Thank you.





Copyright 1999 by Joe Lavin