Message From an ISP
These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but
highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service
provider near you...
DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I
tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk...
you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to
DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me,
genius! You want my help, stay on the line and listen. We have
much better things to do than talk to you anyway.
DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to.
Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex
DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood
of "Hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss
us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The
day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic
DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally
screwed. We didn't screw it up. It wasn't us. We're simply
telling it like it is.
DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the
intimate details of every piece o' crap shareware program you
dredge out of the Internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!
We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or
engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call
the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE
INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.
DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your
connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year
old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else
connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just
DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts
on the content of our home page or to request that we send you
flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo
night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages
just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.
DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe
through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested
on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo
DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system
and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and
help you. We aren't technological psychics.
DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is
our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations,
gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away
with the toaster to Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us
who caused it.
DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know
anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me,
we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you
called and announced "help, the Internet is broken!" Something
here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call
DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers
and that you're doing us a favour by gracing us with your call.
This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid
suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous
temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of
destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that
DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the
meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit that you're
completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.
DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem
like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying
when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand
every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be
'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.
DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you
something different than the first one did. If one of us tells
you your system is screwed, it's screwed. The second guy is
going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's
screwed. That is of course unless you really piss him off and
then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality
of a house plant.
DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't
think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's
come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must
call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what